#literally because it was wednesday and this is my personal bday gift

[rainbowinbeigeboots]

oh besties i’m 100% LOSING it rn because i got to give jodie my crochet tessa doll i made her 😭😭😭

[talesofaprettygirl]

Some of the things I’ve consciously manifested over the years!

✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨

✨$3,000 🤑

-Used the (5x55) technique and a month later received 3k out of the blue.

✨$15,000 💰

-Funny story, I entered a competition for 10k that I was positive I would win. I did not win but weeks later received 10k all at once from elsewhere. When I got the 10k, I was like god this is amazing wish I could get an extra 5k and the very next day I DID.

✨Being in a music video and $100+ 🎶 💵

-This a manifestation within a manifestation. I’ve always wanted to be in a music video in general. Anyway this one time I was so broke I asked the out loud to the universe for $100. I swear an hour later I got an email from my agent that I got picked to be in a music video and they were paying $100 per person but he request I get paid $150.

✨My ideal bestie 👭🏾

-I wrote a list of qualities for my ideal type of friend(s). A month later I met this wonderful, wonderful woman who literally checked off everything I wanted in a friend! Also I’ve never had a bff that I loved more!

✨My soulmate aka my dog 🐕

-I always thought I wanted a male labradoodle. I even asked to be gifted one for my bday. Two months before my bday I’m cruising and this adorable dog came running pass my car out of nowhere. She was a little brown/black Yorkie Terrier mix and I ending keeping her! Turns out not only do I love little dogs way more but when I was younger all I ever wanted was a yorkie anyway. Also I love that she’s a girl because tbh I’m a girls girl.

✨My EX 👎🏾

-I saw a list for “best gifts for your boyfriend” and saved it. At the time I did NOT have a bf lol. A year later I have a bf and when it was time for his birthday I checked my notes for this list, turns out I saved this list EXACTLY on his birthday. Also he checked off most of things on my list but I learned there are just certain qualities in a man that I don’t actually want lol.

✨My dream apartment 🏠

-I was hastily looking for a place to stay in Paris a while back and I took the first place that told me yes. I barely toured the place and all because I was running out of time. Well it turns out that this place had EVERYTHING I wanted. A private courtyard, loft style, a big tub, and in the center of the city for the exact amount I wanted to pay per month. Not only that but it was a mere 10 mins walk from the place I was previously staying at, thus making my move a breeze. Didn’t even notice all of this till I actually moved in.

✨Cute model from Instagram 😍

-I was crushing on this model on Instagram who lived in NY for a long time. For my birthday I would always go to NY and while on the subway I was like “Wouldn’t it be funny if I saw him?” I kid you not I step off with my friends and boom there he is. I was shook. We made eye contact and everything, my friend even ran up to him was like “Are you blank?” And he goes, “Uh yeah?!” Then I pulled her away and told him we’ve just seen him on insta and quickly walked away. 😂

✨Weightloss 💪🏾

-This one is the one I have trouble wrapping my head around because it was so crazy. I remember the exact moment so vividly. I was looking in the library mirror and DECIDED I was going to be fit no matter what. I swear on Chanel in that instant my pants got looser on me. Idk if I was already loosing weight and didn’t notice or what but I instantaneously felt/became thinner.

✨My friend’s ex coming back ❤️

-My friend was heart broken that her bf would not speak to her anymore. She knew I was all about manifesting and I tried to get her into it but she was skeptical. So I told her “He will come back, watch it be a Wednesday night and he will text you out of the blue”. Guess what? A week later on Wednesday night she finally got a text from him.

✨My dad winning $300 🎰

-My dad likes going to the casino for fun and he is quite lucky but was having a bad streak. So I told him, “I bet you’ll win $300 tonight!” That night he won $278.

✨Blueberry jam 🫐

-This one is silly. I was making a sandwich and wanted jam on it. I rarely eat jelly and I know that my family only likes and buys pineapple jam. There would be no reason for us to have any other type of jelly. As soon as I open the cabinet I immediately see a jar of jelly turned away and as I grab it I think “I want blueberry” and that’s exactly what it was.

✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨✨

[dem-khuya]

041321

i admit i’m being kind of a whiny baby bitch but i peeked into the discord server of the writing site i’m on and i noticed that yet another white person (really weird yellow fever freak ass person btw. she’s like 40 and she acts like that. raised by wolves i swear to god. i ran into her on a different site before and she was the most condescending pro-america peace love hugs kind of bitch...) joined and while last night i slept believing that i’d be able to communicate a bit in the server just so that ppl recognize i haven’t abandoned the place i can’t do it LOL i can’t. and maybe this is too mean, but i don’t think i can be tight with poc who are totally ok with being around all these white ppl. YES this applies to asians who marry white. no offense but what is wrong with you! omg... i don’t get it. last night i was chilling with sydney and her cousins and everyone was brown and radical and it was so warm and comforting like...anything less than that and i am wearing a mask, and now i realize wearing a mask is EXHAUSTING for me! ok i think i’m just never talking to anyone in there again and i’m going to post replies hopefully by the weekend and keep to myself so that at least i can remain here and write with my best friend in the future. 

i’m really glad that certain facts about myself have become clearer over the past few weeks or so, and i’m able to express exactly what i’m feeling (at least in these journal entries) instead of exploding and becoming a mass of indecipherable emotions...my goal in writing these entries is that i’ll come to terms with something about myself at the end of them. some thoughts i had last night while i was trying to sleep was that i’ve become a lot more secure in who i am because of all the time i’ve devoted to drawing and creating art solely for myself. most of my unfinished sketches have just been exploring who i am as a wlw and as a vietnamese buddhist. i remember there was a point where all my ocs were MEN...like sad men and nothing else. i think that was when i was in high school, and the whole sad dad trope was so novel and perfect to me lmfao. but i’m sooo happy i’ve moved on and focused more on writing and drawing bi women n lesbians of my own creation and how secure they’ve made me feel. it’s fun to see the concepts i felt so attached to when i was in high school + university change into what they are now. that is, my own content is now solely just my personal expressions of self-love and my hopes for the future. i love this for me! i love loving women, i love that my preference as a bisexual is women, and i love that i’ve dedicated so much time to learning that and exploring that about myself and i’m excited to continue doing so.

it brings me back to that writing site i was a part of too. the characters i write there feel like a mirror of some past self that i don’t feel like i am anymore. writing is a really vulnerable activity for me too, and i don’t feel like the ppl i write with on that site deserve to see me at my most vulnerable. like for one, i’m not going to write the characters and explore the concepts i’ve studied alone on there. not right now anyway and hopefully, if i know what’s good for myself, not ever. i hate feeling exposed to ppl who don’t care (not blaming them for not caring--why would they? i just mean to say that it’s not the right place for me to do this) and to ppl who won’t understand me. you are not my lover so i’m not going to teach you or tell you how to understand me, either. that’s just how it’s going to be. but i need to keep my place on there though because i don’t want to leave sas behind, so i have to learn how to balance my energy right for that place. i’m getting better at it, and i know i’ll keep getting better!

some stuff to end with: sas got her bday gift last night!! we talked for the first time in about a month since her episode flared up. i’m really glad she seems like she likes it. it was the mossery journaling kit. i highly recommend mossery for gifts. i think alice will get theirs between today and tomorrow (also mossery, though not a kit as i assumed sas was gonna get her hobonichi techo), and jasmine will get her gifts wednesday (a little skincare kit as per the idea i threw at her sister jillian and she basically said yes please get jasmine skincare PLEASE and i was like this is a cry for help). buying gifts for friends is so much fun. i wish i could MAKE gifts! but i’m so fucking lazy! i literally need to overcome being lazy it’s my deadly sin.

[silver--storms]

50 Questions

Thanks for the tag my lovely girls! @satans-helper @shes-outta-sight

1. what is the color of your hairbrush?

Pink, unfortunately they were out of purple. :/

2. a food you never eat?

Uhh...I’m sooo not picky with food, I’ll pretty much eat anything. I guess fish sticks?? 

3. are you typically too warm or too cold?

I fluctuate rapidly between the two at all times and it’s super annoying. 

4. what were you doing 45 minutes ago?

I was at walmart getting cat litter, lol ~exciting~

5. what is your favourite candy bar?

I love Heath bars and York Peppermint Patties. 

6. have you ever been to a professional sports event?

Five? Four baseball, one NBA. 

7. what is the last thing you said out loud?

“Fuck, idk what to get Shelby.” lol @cantbehandled-ever

8. what is your favourite ice cream?

Birthday cake!!

9. what was the last thing you had to drink?

Unfortunately Pepsi, I really wanted a gingerale but walmart was out and I was dying of thirst. First time I’ve had a pepsi in about ten years lol.

10. do you like your wallet?

I looove my wallet, however I need a bigger purse tbh. I have a GVF wallet that the lovely @shes-outta-sight gifted me for my bday :)

11. what was the last thing you ate?

A ham and cheese sandwhich :)

12. did you buy any new clothes last weekend?

I bought new scrubs, does that count? lol

13. the last sporting event you watched?

Oh god, probably a bears game back in October? 

14. what is your favourite flavour of popcorn?

Kettlecorn and actual movie theater popcorn!

15. who is to last person you sent a text message to?

@shes-outta-sight lol about to video chat

16. ever go camping?

Yes! I used to go all the time when I was younger, would love to sometime this summer, it’s been too long. 

17. do you take vitamins?

I take a multi-vitamin and I am going to start taking vitamin D as well as Iron supplement, because apparently I’m “dangerously deficient” according to my doc.  

18. do you go to church every sunday?

I went to church every sunday, wednesday, thursday and friday for 18yrs of my life, no, i’m good on that. 

19. do you have a tan?

I’m so white, I’m practically translucent. 

20. do you prefer chinese food or pizza?

Fuck me, those are my two facs... I...Chinese. 

21. do you drink your soda with a straw?

Yup! Unless I don’t have on me, then I don’t use one. 

22. what colour socks do you usually wear

Black, always lol.

23. do you ever drive above the speed limit?

I try to stay within 5mph over, but sometimes I catch myself with my new car, baby has a fast engine. 

24. what terrifies you?

The dark and spiders.

25. look to your left, what do you see?

My kitty Eris is asleep on my lap. 

26. what chore do you hate?

Dishes, the worst. Oh laundry too.

27. what do you think of when you hear an Australian accent?

The beach.

28. what’s your favourite soda?

I don’t drink soda, but if I had no other options, I’d choose a sprite or some sort of clear soda. 

29. do you go in a fast food place or just hit the drive-thru?

I prefer the drive-thru, the less social interaction, the better!

30. who’s the last person you talked to?

@satans-helper :)

31. favourite cut of beef?

Flank steak or ribeye. 

32. last song you listened to?

“Goodnight Chicago” - Rainbow Kitten Surprise :) HIGHLY REC THE BAND

33. last book you read?

I’m still currently reading The Help!

34. favourite day of the week?

Saturday :)

35. can you say the alphabet backwards?

Yes! 

36. how do you like your coffee?

Black like my soul

37. favourite pair of shoes?

I’m a total slut for boots, any combat or chelsea boots will do. 

38. at what time do you normally go to bed?

If I work, I’m asleep by 11:30/12am, if I am off...2am??

39. at what time do you normally get up?

If I work, 5am, if I’m off, 8:30am. 

40. what do you prefer, sunrise or sunsets?

Sunsets 

41. how many blankets are on your bed?

3

42. describe your kitchen plates?

Correle ( think that’s how it’s spelled?) set white, with little red dots all over them. 

43. do you have a favourite alcoholic beverage?

Whiskey and Tequila, literally anything with those included, I’m cool. 

44. do you play cards?

Yes, I love cards! I love any card or board game tbh

45. what colour is your car?

“Lunar silver” which basically means that if you look at it in the light, it’s iridescent/rainbow shine.

46. can you change a tire?

Yes, but I haven’t in a long time!

47. what is your favourite state/province?

I really liked Wyoming, but Wisconsin is pretty amazing. 

48. favourite job you’ve ever had?

My current job! Ophthalmology Technician. 

49. how did you get your biggest scar?

I cracked my skull and had to have brain surgery. 

50. what did you do today that made someone else happy?

Hmm. I think I made @satingrass-maidensfair feel a little better about recent bs? Maybe???? 

Tagging: 

@mountainofthesunn @1800endmeplease @cantbehandled-ever @karrotkate @michaalien @woman-ina-dream

[shellsan]

Here: Have a life update in case anyone on this hellsite cared. Warning: Way longer than anticipated.

So, unlike my original plan of going home in December for an entire month to work while being there for all the important things that are happening (My sisters showcase, then her 21st, then Christmas, then my Bday which I didn't care to be home for but, I guess I will be anyway), I'm also going home for a month again now.

I had literally just gotten to my house after the 8 hour drive from a weekend home for my youngest sisters first musical when my old manager sent me a text and asked me if I wanted to come home and work for a month or so. For context: My older sister is currently on placement for her final year of paramedical science for 7 weeks, and she was covering 30 hours worth of the daytime shifts, and one of the few competent workers they had. With her away and her not being able to be there because she's working on something important for the next 4 months, she's a little desperate.

Long story short, I agreed to go and sort it out with my current workplace (which is the same company but a different location) and decided to head home for those 4 weeks. The main motivator for this is money, since I'm literally going from $250 a week and 15/16 hours to around $500 a week and 30/32 hours (which is the max before overtime) which means I'm doubling my money and lowering my living costs because when i'm home I don't have to pay for food, and the workplace is closer so it's less fuel per week.

It also takes care of the one thing that I stress over the most these days, which is money. After all my expenses, I've been struggling to be able to put money aside for savings, which has been a huge issue that's become almost obsessive? Any time someone suggests doing something, I just kinda want to scream because, yes, I'd love to go and see that movie, or go out op-shopping, or do something fun, maybe get lunch, but I also know that I'll beat myself up for it for weeks afterwards, regretting the spend of money I didn't need to make, to the point where it's unhealthy? And every time I think that I'm good, manage to pick up some extra hours and have some extra money there to cover things, another bill comes in that's higher than I expected and I freak out all over again because now the extra money I thought I was going to have is gone, and I have the same as I would have had any other weeks.

So that means that going home and doubling my income for a month should be great, all positives, and I shouldn’t stress further right?

Here are several other things I've realised since agreeing that are stressing me out.

I now only have less than a week to get my things organised for while I'm away, namely cleaning my room so that it's spotless, and the adjoining bathroom that I have.

It's going to once more disrupt my writing schedule. I'm going to be working way more than I have for most of the year, and that means that I'm going to be more tired, and it's going to put me behind again. Not only am I still in the middle of a major edit/rewrite over two of my stories, but I have so many other projects that I've had the urge to work on and it's stressing me out a lot because I spent half of this year on a strict schedule, and every moment I’m off of it, I feel like I’m letting everyone who reads, and myself, down.

I have to cart any of my hobbies things, and writing things, home for a month, because otherwise I'm not going to be able to work on anything.

I'm not going to have the same personal space as I have previously.

I'm going to have to deal with my father for an entire month. I could barely last two weeks, so this is probably my biggest worry. The reason I moved out so early on, despite not starting uni until next year (and that wasn't even planned just yet), was because he stresses me out. I love him, but we've never seen eye-to-eye and I can't hold a conversation with him to save my life. Usually I just avoid him like the plague, but in a month, there's going to be some moments where that isn't the case.

Japanese Class. I currently go to Japanese every wednesday night for two hours. It's not mandatory for me to be there every week, but if I'm not there for at least 75% of the classes, then I'm not able to take the exam which grants be a certificate of proficiency, which is a piece of paper I'd really like to have (and spent good money for the chance to get). I won't know for sure how things are going to work until I speak with said teacher of Wednesday, but I can't help but imagine the worst case scenario, which is being told that I can't go for that certificate.

I have to make the drive on my own again. It’s only been a month since the last time this happened, and I’m not too concerned about it per-say, since when I’m driving, the likelihood of getting car sick lessens, but in general, long drives suck, and there’s a ton of roadworks on the highway right now that I don’t want to deal with.

I had plans for August, namely my friend circle was doing Christmas in August, since one of our friends is going to be here then, and it’s the best time for gift exchange since later in the year we’re all split, but now I won’t be here, and I might not have time to get her gift done, because I leave on Saturday, and it’s already Monday night, and I have work tomorrow, wednesday, an inspection on thursday, work friday, and then I head home.

If anyone has made it to the bottom of this update turned rant and has any advice for me, that'd be great right about now because for the first time since I've turned 18, I'm really feeling out of my depth with the adulting that needs to happen and I'm not sure what I can do other than try my best to push through everything?

[hobbitunderthemountain]

quick poll....

does it feel weird to open gifts when you already know what they all are 

i literally gave my bday list (a few movies and a book) to my mom on wednesday and then she went out yesterday bought them and wrapped them and put out for me to unwrap which i get fun birthday tradition and stuff and it is more exciting than her just handing me a target bag with the two movies i wanted in it

BUT DOES IT NOT FEEL WEIRD AND SO AWKWARD???

maybe it’s cause every time i open a gift (esp from family) i’ve been conditioned to show such enthusiasm and excitement (years of doing large family christmas get togethers and birthdays) and generally i am because i usually make lists a month or more beforehand so i do generally forget what i’ve asked for unless it’s something i’m specifically looking forward to 

BUT SHE FLIPPED OUT ABOUT ME BEING UNGRATEFUL and i had to explain 3 times that it personally feels awkward to me and this isn’t because i care so little for her attempts at birthday celebrations or anything to do with her it’s just feels so unnecessary and weird to wrap them when you know exactly what two movies and a book are in the packages??

on the other hand the cats had fun w the wrapping as they usually do so that was good but it still felt weirdddddd 

[bcydbeaulieu]

for @kahlilravishans, my wife’s, bday || part 8 of 8

ok so this is it… the end. this was going to be second but i thought why not end with this. this is where it is going to get a bit emotional… so if you don’t want to hear all the gay that i am about to say then just look at the pretty edit. emily you are not allowed to skip this so buckle up babe… because you know how i can get when i decide i want to gift you some words… ok here we go!

ok so funny story… i wasn’t gonna start out this way but i was going through the early days of our tag and well i wished you a happy bday a year ago.. specifically while you were trying to get through interludes. so can you believe its been a fucking year since icos and our 12 hours skype sessions. those were the days were our relationship grew from “still had some chill” to “are you sure you two aren’t dating” so damn that book series. but seriously just needed to point that out. now here comes my incoherent babbling about how much i love you and how much you really mean to me. 

so, i’m pretty sure everyone knows the story of how me and emily met. god knows we talk about it enough. but it wouldn’t be an emotional emily and laura post if i don’t mention it so lol. i remember it, that february day, oh god. so she idk follows me or finds my blog and at the time i had a neil url and she just starts yelling at me on the chat. that stupid fucking messaging system. and of course i just start screaming back. and in the back of my mind i’m thinking how do i get this nerd girl to keep talking to me about our foxes and really i didn’t have to do much bc we exchanged numbers (she made me get a whatsapp) the next hour. and guys look.. i didn’t do this type of stuff before. i randomly talked to people and the only person i kept in contact with was my irlbff. so emily was not a normal occurrence. but anyways she asked if she could call and my heart was like beating out of my chest cause omfg what the fuck but of course i said yes and that’s how i find myself outside mid day on a february in texas walking around my front yard, my backyard, and yelling about literally everything we had in common at the time. 

now, i thought this girl is awesome and every part of me wanted to keep talking to her but i just knew that we’d talk for a month a few at max and then you know that thing would happen where you just lost connection, even tho i felt like i had just found like part of my soul. 

not what happened. the next week or couple of weeks we had our first skype session.. it lasted 6 hours yall. like who does that with someone they just met. fast forward to late august of 2016 and there we are getting into icos against our better judgement and there its kind of history. with our 12 hour skype sessions. and us eating dinner and breakfast together on opposite ends of the world and in complete different timezones. and i don’t know if something just clicked then cause we were already too close for our situation. but after that it was like i knew that this wasn’t some fluke this was real. and i HAD found a part of my soul. and god that’s cheesy but it’s fucking true. i’d run to the end of the world for this girl. and i’d do it multiple times. 

so that’s part of the story i guess. but i’m not done talking and emily i’m sorry babe but you know how i get i’m gonna write some more here so really buckle up. 

when i say i love you emily, i truly mean it with every part of me. i’ve never had a relationship like i have with you and the ones i had that came close don’t even touch to what we have. you’re so much more than my best friend and i don’t have a word for it and i don’t think words could justify it. but you keep my world spinning sometimes and then others you can make it stop. you are my rock when i need someone to ground me. you are the light in my life when i can’t seem to even get one positive thought in my mind. you support me through everything that i do and truly believe that i can be great at my career and in life in general. and i don’t know where i would be without you. 

you’re a good listener. you give great advice. and sometimes you just help me to stop thinking. you do so much for me and i hope that on the flipside i’m doing everything that i can for you. our relationship isn’t perfect and i’m glad it isn’t im glad that we can talk as honestly as we do and that we don’t keep anything from each other. and sometimes i’m amazed at how honest we can be bc so much of our relationship is over text or phone and its so easy to not say things when you’re not in person. but i would never let myself not be fully myself with you and that comes down to even the parts of me that i don’t want anyone to see. 

i’m also so happy that i’m the person that you talk to even when you don’t want to talk to anyone. i can’t believe i’m that person for someone, that person that even when the world is too much i’m not. that you trust me enough to be that person… it means… literally everything to me. 

you are always the highlight of my day, your snaps, texts, stupid messages, emojis, the fact that we’re each others screensavers. god that is freakin gay wow. i wanted to go through posts and like remember our relationship for the PAST YEAR AND A HALF CAN YOU BELIEVE LOL. but haa its like 55 pages and i don’t think i could summarize the best points cause they’re all just so good. we’re fucking legendary sometimes, you know. god this is a mess. this girl knew there was a hurricane happening in texas before i could tell her and has been the most dramatic about it. so if that says anything. 

“Perhaps it is true that we do not really exist until there is someone there to see us existing, we cannot properly speak until there is someone who can understand what we are saying in essence, we are not wholly alive until we are loved.”

This quote, this fucking quote ok wow. like ya do shit for yourself and you can create your own happiness blah blah like cool but babe sometimes you are the thing that makes me feel alive. and knowing that there is someone out there that loves me as much as i’m 100% you do keeps me going day to day. i’d swim across the damn fucking ocean for you. and one day we’ll get to see each other in person and it’ll probably be the best damn time of our lives and i can’t fucking wait for it bc it’s gonna happen. and we’re gonna road trip with son and yell at each other about music and scream in person about our favorite characters and spend hours reading together and probably some times on our computers not talking, bc honestly half our skype sessions are us just silently soaking in each other’s company and i wouldn’t change that for the world. 

you are without a doubt one of the most important people in my life, if not the most important and i can’t explain how it feels to have someone that knows me as well as you do and to have that in return with you. i love that as our relationship has grown it’s gone from we have all these things in common in fandom to we have certain fandom things in common but our lives are intertwined and even if we had nothing like that in common it wouldn’t matter. i know you have class on wednesday, i know you can’t skype in the early hours of morning but you will take my call. i know you live in the middle of nowhere and it takes like an hour to get to the city. i know your dad is australian but 50% of the time i hear him speak it’s with that terrible american accent. and well here…

The things i know about emily: she hates coffee but she will try every concoction she can to stay awake while reading, she loves her new puppy even though she said she wasn’t that attached, she has way too many comics (this girl set up a store on ebay ok), she is the most indecisive person to ever grace the earth, her books are arranged in alphabetic order correctly but only after i made sure they were correct, she loves rock music and can’t stand pop, she’s one of the most gorgeous people in the world but doesn’t believe it (uhm she should tho), she…. ok i could go on forever and i can never do those questions on tumblr bc i know everything about her. 

omg this should prob end soon, but like ok emily this is just a mess and i’m sorry but just if you didn’t know i love you more than anything and i hope you have a wonderful day and that we have many more bdays of yours to celebrate even when you don’t want to celebrate them. i’m so glad that you messaged me that day bc there would be a hole in my life without you. you’re amazing, incredible, outstanding, kind, hilarious, an asshole, and like my soulmate. also i’m listening to stand by me while writing this (the power rangers version) so just… i’m about to cry with how much you mean. 

to emily: i love you i love you i love you. and i will love you until the stars i’m looking at now and the ones you will see when you’re reading this can be looked at while we sit with each other outside one of our houses. and i will keep loving you through the distance and the ocean and the fights and the tears and the stubbornness of the world for not letting us be closer in the first place. you have undoubtedly changed my life for the better. you have made me a better person. more confident, happier, and somehow calm. there are days when you make my heart race (gay) and days when you make me still. (raven cycle much). you are my person (lol grey’s) and you are the first person i think of in any situation (laura no we don’t want to hear about this emily girl in australia). so baby girl, again i hope you have the best day and obviously the best life and i’m just so glad that i get to be a part of it even from so far away. i love you (to the moon and back and all that shit) <3

Oh, won’t you take me from this valley To that mountain high above? I will pray, pray, pray Until I see your smiling face. I will pray, pray, pray To the one I love.

[mybravesong]

Week 6

Hey Guys! I’m switching the way I post. I’ll focus on posting about the highlights of the week from now on! :)

DAY 38 Monday (13 August) We started the day with morning exercise - walked round nib stadium, played scarecrow. 

For Quiet time, God said you are good. And I said I am good because you are good. And I got the song, let the king of my heart. I ask God what his mission was for me today? It was to look after a friend who was recently heartbroken. How? To love and care for her. We had worship with the whole ywam.. it was all about the goodness of God which was exactly what I had during quiet time!! The Lord is good, a strong refuge when trouble comes. He is close to those who trust in him. Nahum 1:7 NLT. We had a very productive band practice and started tweaking things here and there! :D Also we started on our weekly topic, “Holy Spirit” by Rachel Mcgirr. 

We also did rehearsals at night as usual for dance numbers! Also I saw that Abby from priceless had left me a note <3 So much loveeeeee! miss her

DAY 39 Tuesday (14 August) During Qt.. God was reminding me to move away from slave mentality to child of God mentality. It occurred to me during lecture the day before that I still retained aspects of a “slave mentality” instead of relying on God and pursuing a more purposeful relationship with God. Today was also my turn to do a “God Talk”. It’s basically you teaching your small group about an aspect of God. I was really thinking of what to talk about even to the day. That morning, God wanted me to repent of greed of money. I had thoughts of wanting to keep donations for myself so that I didn’t have to pay more for outreach but God said it’s not for me. So I repented and made sure all went to David and Abigail. He reminded me that He is the God of the plentiful. God our provider. And that was what I decided to talk about in small group. The bunch of us went to Emma’s.

The Gist was... When we say let’s keep it for ourselves you are telling God, God u are not enough for me. When we aren't generous - we withhold the blessings that another person could receive, we aren’t being channels of blessings. And I ask them to spend some time and ask God to reveal to you areas of your life that is stuck in this slave mentality.. It was pretty cool because God talked to through of them from this God talk. They also had that mindset. 

I sang with Caleb and Gyu which I had not ever done before after dinner! That was fun! Also spent some time updating the team newsletter. We ended the day with song rehearsals and the learning of a new dance for greatest showman.

DAY 40 Wednesday (15 August) During Quiet time: God said I am enough so you are enough. I said You are enough but I am not and He said you are enough for me. Your everything is enough for me. I felt a hug from the back with one arm across my shoulders and the other across the top of my head.

See how very much our Father loves us, for he calls us his children, and that is what we are! But the people who belong to this world don’t recognize that we are God’s children because they don’t know him. 1 John 3:1 NLT

Brought to mind, my dad and I our relationship. He doesn't want anything else accept to receive my love in return. God doesn't ask for anymore than who we are. Children of God. Like when I heard them from God, I had an image of my own father squatting down with arms wide open and with a huge smile just waiting for me to run into his arms. It might be tear a lot! <3 During worship, we did something different, there was a part where if God was asking you to lay something down, you lay it in front of the cross. God told me to lay Unworthyness down. My greed, my not enoughness - The root was unworthyness and I needed to proclaim the truth of God's word in my life. During lecture Rachel said this - The only sin you're not forgiven for is the sin u don't want forgiveness for. Forgiveness is for us. Unforgivenness is like drinking poison and wishing for the other to die. Things to really think about.  I had one on one with Abigail that day and as we reflected, I came to the conclusion that I want to know Holy spirit as a person instead of just His function. How to tell him apart from Jesus, spiritual authority and father or some sort of energy. 

DAY 41 Thursday (16 August) During quiet time, I was asking Holy Spirit... Can I separate holy spirit from the trinity in my mind? He said No, we are one in the same. I reflected and realise that Holy Spirit is wise .. He reminds me of the book of proverbs. He doesn't give the whole picture but he gives nuggets of wisdom to prompt u in the right direction. It was also Sarah’s bday the following day but her birthday table was set up today! So after dinner, we went down to IGA and I bought her fudge!! - Her favourite! :D

DAY 42 Friday (17 August) During Quiet Time, Holy Spirit convicted me to apologise to David and Abigail about being pushy for the newsletter to get out. David was under the pump to get ready to Camp and I wasn’t a little fustrated that I was trying so hard to get the newsletter out earlier in hopes, to get our info out to send to others and see if we could finish our funding! I had no time to edit the night before so I went to the base early this morning. After I ate breakfast, I went back to the dorm and felt that I needed to kneel and thank God for David, Abigail - they sacrifice so much to staff the DTS and all I was doing was a newsletter. I apologised to them as well and thanked them for their hard work! :) Today was also application day, we repented and made right with people. It was like repentance week all over again. We also had a choice to go up to Randy (Trust Fall), Cristine(Breaking Generational Curses) and Rachel(Receiving of gifts of the holy spirit - tongues etc). I prayed and felt like I needed to do the trust fall. I feel that I trust God but still not completely. You’d have to climb up this stack of chairs and shout God I trust you (as a public declaration) and fall backwards. Randy would catch you. It was hard for me because I am afraid of heights and when I got on, the stack of chairs almost toppled. But I did it anyway and I felt like a burden lift. I also got to pray for Karmen and Emma for healing so that was cool! They got healed by the Holy Spirit. It was also Evangelism day, so Alex and I paired up. She asked me if I just wanted to stand along the street and shout out my testimony. I must say fear really gripped me. I didn’t feel prepared for it. So we walked on, I was praying all along the way. God was saying.. Do you trust me? I said yes. Then do you know I have good thoughts towards these people? I said Yes I do. Then He said, all I want you to do is share My love for them. And I said ok. We did talk to a couple of people. Prayed for some. I was prompted by this lady so was a little disorientated. But I beckon her to come to me after she had walked away and I asked her if I could pray for God’s love on her and she said yes. And I prayed. We also talked to this chatty lady along the street and we talked with her for a good 1 hr 30mins. She was very concerned about her friend and the Holy Spirit prompted her to ask us about the friend in question. Surprisingly, the answers we gave her were based on what we had learnt during the week. About, how choosing sin is saying no to God. and if she is a follower of Christ, she must choose. In the end, we had dinner together and went back to base. I had time to finish my journal and went for friday service. The dude, Mark talked about the Hebrew education system and greek education system. That was interesting!

DAY 43-44 Saturday & Sunday (18-19 August) CAMPING TRIP!!! We brought our stuff to the auditorium at 9am and had breakfast. Packed and left, reached about 11ish? Just before Lunch, Emma Leonie and I went for a walk - we found money on the floor, saw some horses and made friends with the doggie who lives in the opposite house. Little did we know, the dog followed us back to the campsite. Ben had to bring him back to the neighbour hahaa! We had a quick lunch and went down the childow town centre - hung there til about 4ish. Came back for dinner and played capture the flag. It was very fun but at the same time, Tim got a broken collarbone, Kate scrapped her knee, Jonathan split his toenail, Kevin scrapped his knee and so did Noemi. After that, we sat by the campfire which was so good because it was literally freezing that night. After that, showered and slept like a log.

Woke up really early at 7am the next morning, freshen up and walked around the campsite, smelling the fresh air and admiring God’s creation. I was a little concerned about our finances for outreach and God says to lean on me for the finances. So I said okay I will. We had breakfast and I was on  breakfast clean up duty. After that, Leonie and I walked to the Lake! It was beautiful, on the way we saw these little duckies and also got to pat some horses. That was fun. After that, we came for lunch and started to pack away our stuff. We also had to clean up the campsite. I was on toilet cleaning duty. Unfortunately for me, someone had taken a huge dung and it clogged the toilet... so guess who had to unclog it? Yes, yours truly. We packed and left. The heat was crazy though and throughout the whole trip I sat on the sunny side. After coming back to the 228, I literally put on my sheets back and changed and took a one hr nap. It was sooooo gooood.. then I came back to base for dinner and finished up this online journal! :D

Highlights from the Weekend below!!

[againjack]

Once upon a dream

Colby ended up back in town Wednesday due to the car drama. We had chatted about seeing a movie, and had feared it would be leaving theaters soon. So while neither of us HAD to see the other that evening, and I had confirmed the movie would be around at least another week or so, he really wanted to get together. I was supposed to be in a meeting, but figured I wasn’t necessary and skipped it. 

He met me at the door with a big hug and lovely kiss. Oh how I had missed him, and he clearly missed me. At that point it was two weeks and a day since we had last seen each other. 

We chilled and talked for a bit after I put some groceries away that I had picked up on the way to his place away. (More nesting on my part - ensuring I have breakfast as well as salty and sweet snacks at his place. I also picked up a few things he had asked me to, since he literally had gotten back two hours before hand and I had offered.) He was clearly exhausted and sorta surprised when I snuggled up to him like a cat, conforming to how he was sitting. I was surprised that he didn’t share his dramas, since he had alluded to them at various points either via text/chat/phone conversations. 

When he decided we should head to the theater he asked me to drive, since after 5 hours he was done.:P I complied. He was amused at how I cleaned out the front seat from dog and random other stuff. Even being tired he was a good navigator, since he wanted me to go a specific way. This bodes well for whenever we do a road trip together. (Note: aka checklist item for long term potential.) 

While in line for popcorn, because he insists on it and was shocked I avoid it, we had some interesting discussions. I mentioned how I had told my parents about him based upon our discussions at the french restaurant. He wasn’t sure what I was referring to. I was all awkward and said that I must be one of those women who reads into things too much, but standing in line with people all around us was not the time or place to have that discussion. 

We had some very interesting discussions about the movie afterwards. It was nice to have such a varied and in depth analysis with so many references that we both understood. It was nice to have such an intellectual discussion with a hint of silliness. It was... awesome. An item on my long term potential checklist I didn’t know I had and needed. An item that was placed there from my exhusband who set a high bar there. :P

Back at his place we had dinner. We sat and chatted for a bit, he putzed at something while I nuked the casserole. It felt lopsided and very traditional gender roles. Dinner wasn’t anything that stood out from our conversation. After dinner he just sat there and chatted at me while I began to clean up. I started to feel resentful that it felt like more gender stereotype roles. He did eventually bring his own dishes in and took care of them. This is definitely a point to discuss in the (near) future. 

We walked his dog and I commented about an email I had sent earlier. I am trying to “manage” him, like one would with your boss at work - present options or situations ahead of time to give them time to think things through and be ready to make a plan/decision/action when the time comes. This email was about my birthday in two weeks. The email was that I wasn’t sure if he had made note of it when it was brought up off hand months ago. That I wasn’t expecting anything from him (except maybe a card.) That I know he has a lot on his plate and unknowns (like he has to go back to SC to pick up his car if it is repaired.) But I wanted to make plans and wanted to know IF he had any ideas or wanted me to be available for him to do something with. That way if he couldn’t/didn’t it was ok and I could make other plans. He said he had scanned it and was thinking about it. He said he appreciated my ‘managing’ him.

He was putzing some more after walking the dog, so I pulled out the book I am studying to make notecards as part of my study process. After a few minutes he noticed and seemed taken aback. I told him that I expected he would focus on things, so I brought something to do in the mean time. He knows my test is coming up (exactly a month from today!) and that I’ve got a lot of responsibility with work and my synagogue in the next few weeks as well. I told him that I understand how present he is when with me, and I want to give him the same. That I only wanted to do the cards while he was busy with something else. He said he understood but gave an air of being disappointed and maybe hurt.  He went upstairs to get ready for bed. 

I finished the card I was on, then grabbed a different book and notebook for notes so I could read while he got ready. He was unpacking his bag while I read, and he tossed something at me while he walked to the bathroom. I looked up confused. He said that it was sort of an early birthday present. I blinked and asked him if he wanted me to open it then or to wait - he said it was up to me. (At this point I was wondering if this was my only gift from him or if it was a prelude. I also wonder if it was meant to be something else but due to the bday talk earlier he decided to call it that. :\ ) 

I decided to open it right then, since I feel it is important to open a gift from someone in front of them and I wasn’t sure if we would be together on my bday or not. It was a beautiful scarf. Hand dyed indigo cotton scarf. So soft and beautiful. He had left the price tag on it, and it was way more than I would have paid - even being artisan and expensive materials.:P But that is the definition of a gift, right? Something you want but wouldn’t buy for yourself. 

It was funny how after that we discussed why he chose that one over other patterns - like one too polkadoty, another being very tallis like... He was obviously pleased with my reaction. 

Part of why I wonder about if it was intended as a bday gift or for that evening was he seemed miffed that I was studying/reading rather than puppy dog following him around with him as my sole attention. Part of our conversation after I thanked him and was playing with the scarf he said some very interesting things. He thanked me for sticking by him the past few months that his life was way more crazy than normal. He showed in his voice, face, and mannerisms that it meant a lot to him and he felt it was special and rare. That he didn’t expect it and was surprised and values that. I joked how I have the patience of a saint, and told him how awesome and special he is and what I think we have together is. I focused more on him than us. I feel like he is getting closer to saying he loves me, and I’m not sure if what I say/do encourages or pushes that away. 

On the radio the other day was a discussion about a study about when in a relationship people say I love you for the first time. Most people it is an even split between the first week or at the 3 month mark. Only 5% took longer than three months. It really made me think about how I am and when I say it, as well as when my previous partners have said it. The whole world (that reads this or talks to me) knows how I fell in love instantly with Colby and it has only deepened and become more real over time. (The radio personalities reacted like most people that if someone says I love you in the first week it is a huge red flag and to run! So I am glad that while I have felt that way I haven’t said it.) It has been over three months since we met, and we are 10 days from the three months after our first date. I’m really curious when he will say it and it is getting harder for me to wait. I’ve been alluding to it, but occasionally saying things like, “good morning, luv.” 

A part of me is wondering with his being a self proclaimed romantic if he is saving his declaration of love - or sex - for my birthday. Being a romantic myself, and being that the first time is special, I think we are on the same wavelength. Of course, I could just be building castles in the clouds. 

When he laid down he said the light didn’t bother him, but it clearly did. So I gave up on reading and snuggled up with him. It was clear he missed that, even though he didn’t say anything.  While snuggled up before he fell asleep I joked that he is off the hook for cake and flowers (that I had mentioned in the email as suggestions for my bday.) More of how I think he missed me, when I rolled over to my side of the (king sized bed) because he kept moving (while sound asleep) to be closer to me or to touch me (his foot to my leg, his back to my side/back...) He hasn’t moved to the middle of the bed like that before. 

In the morning he noticed and seemed to like that I was wearing the scarf. He also was clearly having trouble with the idea of us parting ways for work. He was still on island time and thinking he was on vacation, wanting to just take his time and chill with me. :)

We have chatted a lot more through the days. Probably both because I gave him a stern but lightish poke about going days without contact again, as well as now that he was back to normal and not on vacation and with family I reached out more. I found myself wrapping the scarf around my shoulders, like a pashmina/shawl, and pulling it tight, imagining it was him hugging/holding me. I decided to be a romantic dork and told him that, his response was a smile. Since he is such a romantic I know he really appreciated that thought and that I told him too. 

We don’t have plans of when to see each other next, but I feel no worries right now. I am still on the Colby-high though. :P 

Today while chatting he sent me a link about Harry Potter erotica. (An article about a guy who thought he bought the series to read when instead he bought erotic fanfic and had no clue until talking to a friend about book 5. Hilarious article and I really want to read that fanfic series. lol) I told him I wanted to read it, and told him that he isn’t helping with my keeping at his pace - that I was turned on and really wanted him. I took it a bit further, saying how was naturally extra horny due to being midcycle, though it would be hard for him to know since I have a consistently high appetite. lol (Sorta to explain why I playfully bit his ear Wednesday night. >><<) 

I feel like we have slipped a wee bit deeper into being a couple and being comfortable with each other. I feel a bit more solid about how he feels and what I mean to him.