#literally my mom would get sick from the anxiety of being around her

[devildomwriter]

Asmodeus is described as being a narcissist but I believe he just has some narcissistic tendencies because as someone who grew up with a narcissist aunt, I can tell you it’s so much different and more toxic.

[raging-feminism]

Hello, I am a 13 year old girl living in 2023, I’ve always been passionate about feminism and equality. I honestly just want everyone to get along, but I know that’s not happening, so I’d just like to use this blog as a way sexism has affected me as a girl in society now, thank you.

Ever since I was little gender norms have been pushed down my throat, I’ve been bullied all my life, and sometimes it would end in violence towards me. If a boy were to hit me, shove me, grope me, harass me, constantly call me slurs, online bully me, etc, I was told it was just boys being boys, and that they liked me. Whenever I would say anything to anyone I would be called a snitch, or a prude. A nagger. Love that for me! I’ve always wondered how boys harassing me every day of my life, calling my the r slur and a lesbo, telling me I should slit my wrists, saying I deserved to be raped for the way I dressed or the way I talked, was just boys being boys.

I remember when I was 8 years old, there was this one kid that would not leave me alone, I was in 3rd grade at the time. Everytime we had partner work it would be “Boys, pick a girl to work with.” He always chose me, it was 3rd grade, we all were and still are young, there were a bunch of blocks in a bin in the back of the classroom. He would sit me behind a table and throw blocks at me while I did his work. I didn’t tell the teacher for 4 months, when I told her the response I got was “He must like you! Isn’t that adorable?” I still remember the way she looked at me in awe, after I literally came to her crying with bruises all over my legs and arms.

2 nights ago, my parents had a Christmas party. They wouldn’t let me stay in my room, but I have severe anxiety and panic disorder, and find it hard to be around people. I was kinda just sitting on my couch the whole time. My neighbors son is 10 years old. He kept sitting down on the couch with me, which was awkward and scary for me, but I didn’t do anything because it was just a normal human interaction I can barely handle. He kept getting closer, eventually he just kept groping my tits. I kept asking him to stop but he wouldn’t so I just got up and hung out with my friends and some other random kids and neighbors, everyone got really energetic and it made me anxious, so I left again. At this point my neighbor had groped me about 7 times that night, he came up to me on the couch and started humping my leg, I kept moving but he just kept getting up on my knee and humping me. I get he’s 10, but it’s nasty. I told my dad, his response? He laughed and said “isn’t he a fucking rizzler? Gonna get all the girls when he’s older, lighten up. He doesn’t mean anything by it.” When I get really anxious I get physically sick, I threw up in the bathroom and stayed there until our neighbors left. I love my neighbors, the mom and two daughters are so sweet, and I don’t want to hate the son, but I do. The dad is a genuine criminal and is on the run from the police at the moment, I’ll probably get into that and what he’s done to me in another post. This is all im writing for now. If you read this, thank you. Please be honest, am I overreacting?

[ao719]

Vancross

Vancross - They Never Showed You Love (Chapter 12)

Most of the characters belong to Pixelberry.

Summary: A group of friends embark on their final year at Vancross Institute with the hopes of making it their best year yet. When a new face with a complicated family plagued by secrets and rumors arrives on campus, new friendships are formed, a new relationship blossoms, and threatening challenges arise.

Title inspiration: Matilda - Harry Styles

Main Pairing: Liam x F!OC

A/N: Multiple crossover series. There will be random sprinkles of canon throughout this story, but for the most part, it’s pretty much out the window.Not beta’d. Please excuse any errors.

Rating: M • Warnings: This series will contain nsfw material, language, some alcohol and drug use, and is not suitable for minors. If you read, you acknowledge you are 18+

Catch up here

“Mom …” 

Inside her room, Liam’s eyes snapped open when he heard Croía’s voice. He slowly lifted his head from the pillow. Did I just hear her right? Surely not, he thought. Croía’s mother couldn’t even bother returning a phone call to her daughter. Why the hell would she just show up on campus?

“Stop being rude and invite your mother in. I know I raised you better than that.” 

Holy fuck. Liam scrambled up in the bed, looking around for his shirt; he got up and grabbed it from the floor, quickly pulling it on over his head before creeping towards the doorway. He discreetly peered around the door just as Croía stepped aside to allow someone in. 

Standing as straight as a statue with her nose in the air — literally and figuratively — Viktoria Thorne came striding into Liam’s line of vision. She was tall and slightly aged with long brown hair and was dressed impeccably in an all-black ensemble. She looked … frigid. Her heels clicked on the wooden floor as she slowly walked further inside, glancing around the room with what seemed to be a very critical eye. 

Liam’s gaze shifted to Croía when she shut the door; when she turned to face her mother, the look on her face could only be described as panic-stricken. She stood slightly slouched yet she was tense at the same time. He then noticed her hands; she gripped her thumb with one hand, pressing her other thumb over the knuckle, brushing it back and forth, back and forth, over and over. It was a telltale sign of her anxiety. 

“Wh-What … what are you doing here?” Croía asked.

“Pit stop,” Viktoria replied coldly. 

Croía’s brows furrowed. “For what?”

Viktoria turned to look at her; the uneasiness and trepidation were rolling off Croía in waves. It brought her some gratification knowing she still had that effect on her; that was the entire purpose of this godforsaken visit after all. “I was on my way back from a trip and decided to drop in.”

“Oh …” Croía slowly nodded. She felt sick to her stomach with nerves. Her mother didn’t make pit stops, especially not on her behalf. “Where … where were you coming from?” she asked.

“Nowhere that concerns you,” Viktoria spat. “Where is your suitemate?”

“She’s, uh … Alia isn’t here. She went home for the weekend for her sister’s—”

“Birthday, yes,” Viktoria hummed as she looked her over; Croía was dressed in a pair of shorts and a t-shirt and her long hair was tousled. “Were you just getting out of bed?”

“Uh, I … yes,” Croia answered. Liam watched her run her fingers through her hair, swaying self-consciously. “Classes this week were … they were kind of busy, and I had papers and … I just … I slept in …” 

“Hm.” Viktoria eyed her coolly. “And you expect me to believe that you didn’t have some late night with this apparent boyfriend of yours and that’s why you slept in?”

Croía stiffened at her words, and Liam noticed from his spot behind the door. They didn’t have a late night … at least not for the exact reason Viktoria was assuming. And it wasn’t that late in the morning anyway. It’s barely 9 am, he scoffed to himself. He took a step back, thinking for a moment, wondering if he should just go out there. What was the worst that could happen? They were both adults and it wasn’t as though they were doing anything wrong; anything they were doing was none of her business anyway. And he hated the thought of leaving Croía out there while he skulked in her room; she had only told him bits and pieces about her family, but one thing he knew for certain was that her relationship with her mother was rocky at best. 

Taking in a breath, Liam slowly let it out before pulling open the door and stepping out of Croía’s room; both women glanced over at the same time. Croía’s eyes were a mixture of surprise, worry, and relief. Viktoria’s expression was inscrutable as she stared at him. 

Croía’s eyes darted between Liam and her mother, feeling her heart start to race faster than it already was; when he came to stand beside her, she swallowed thickly as she looked up at her mother. “Uh, this … Mom, this is Liam. Liam, this is my mother … Queen Viktoria …”

Without hesitation, Liam bowed before meeting her gaze with a polite smile. “It’s a pleasure to meet you, Your Majesty.” No, he technically didn’t have to bow or use her title there on neutral stomping ground, but his parents always told him to respect other monarchs no matter where he was. 

“Charmed, I’m sure …” Viktoria eyed him up and down with a steely glare.

“Liam was, uh, he was just — he was — he was here — I mean, he stayed here last night, but he … he’s getting ready to leave,” Croía said, and her voice slightly cracked. 

Viktoria snapped her eyes back to Croía. “Stop stuttering,” she admonished. “How many times have I told you how utterly obnoxious and unbecoming that is?”

Liam fought the urge not to react to her insult as he slid his eyes from her to Croía, watching her cast her gaze downward as her cheeks tinged with embarrassment. “Sorry,” she said just above a whisper. He then watched her hand grip her thumb again, doing the same pattern as before, just slightly harder this time.

Viktoria looked back at Liam at the same moment he looked at her and the two locked eyes. The fact that there was a Rys standing in front of her was irritating. The fact that one of her children was having a dalliance with one made her blood boil. She needed to keep her cool, however, remembering the task at hand. “So you’re the one who’s been splashed across the tabloids with my daughter for the last couple of months?”

“I don’t usually have stunt doubles, so I guess so,” Liam joked with a quiet chuckle. When Viktoria didn’t so much as crack a smile, his expression fell; he puffed out his lips with a small breath. Tough crowd. “Uh … yes, ma’am,” he nodded. “That’s me.” 

Viktoria continued to stare at him as her lip slightly curled; she was unimpressed. “Don’t let me keep you from running along on your way.” 

Croía let out a quiet breath at her mother’s words; why she felt the need to be so rude was beyond her, but at the same time, she wasn’t surprised. Not at all. When Liam nodded and turned, walking back toward Croía’s room to grab his bag, she glanced up at her. “I … I’m going to shower once he leaves …” 

“I’ll wait.” Viktoria walked to the living area of the suite and lowered herself down on the edge of the sofa, scrunching her nose as she looked around.

Croía turned and hurried toward her room; when she stepped inside, Liam looked up from his bag, raising his brows as she met his gaze. “I take it you didn’t know she was coming …” he whispered. She shook her head in silent response. He stood upright, studying her for a moment; she was gripping her thumb again as her eyes darted around, clearly on edge. He walked up to her and reached out, gently grabbing her hands to stop them from fidgeting. “Hey …” She looked up at him and he could see the consternation in her eyes. “Are you ok?” 

Croía shook her head. “I don’t know why she’s here,” she whispered, but he could still hear a hint of worry in her voice. Liam pulled her to him, wrapping his arms around her; she closed her eyes, relishing in the comfort his embrace gave her, even if it was fleeting. 

“Do you want me to stay?” Liam asked. 

“No.” Croía stepped back. 

Liam nodded. “If you’re sure …” He turned back to the bed, zipped up his bag, and slung it over his shoulder before turning back to her, cupping her face in his hands. “It’s gonna be ok …” He leaned down, pressing his lips to hers in a lingering kiss before drawing back. “If you need me, just shoot me a text.” 

At his words, a thought came to her. “Wait …” Croía rushed over to her purse, digging through it for a moment before pulling out her phone that was for Trystan. “Can you take this? She can’t see it …” 

“Yeah,” Liam nodded, taking it from her and slipping it into his bag. He looked at her once more. “You sure you don’t want me to stay?”

Croia nodded, “I’m sure.” She wasn’t going to subject him to her mother. 

Liam kissed her once more before slipping out of her room. When he stepped back into the living area, Viktoria was eyeing him from her place on the sofa. “It was nice meeting you,” he nodded. When she didn’t respond, Liam pursed his lips with a small wave before heading for the door. 

****

After taking a shower, Croía stepped out of her room, dressed in a pair of jeans and a cream-colored sweater; her mother was still seated on the sofa when she entered the living area. “Took you long enough.”

“Sorry …” Croía finished the braid in her hair, securing it with a small elastic as she stared at her. “How, uh … how long are you staying?”

“In a hurry to get rid of me?” Viktoria asked derisively. 

Yes. “No,” Croía shook her head. “I was only curious. Dad didn’t go on this trip with you?”

“No,” Viktoria scoffed. “He and Lydea stayed behind … handling some things for me.” An uncomfortable silence settled between them — uncomfortable for Croía, anyway. Knowing her mother, she was probably relishing in it. Viktoria stood from the sofa. “I hope you have something to drink in this place …” 

“Uh, yeah …” Croía turned and hurried to the kitchen as her mother followed; she opened the refrigerator, pulling out two bottles of water. When she turned and handed her one, she noticed her mother eyeing the sink and the dishes from last night. “I … didn’t get a chance to clean up from dinner last night.” 

“You cooked?” Viktoria asked before taking a sip of her water.

“No … Liam … he cooked me dinner …” 

Viktoria slowly lowered the bottle from her lips. “What you could possibly see in him is beyond me.” 

Croía looked at her. “He’s kind and sweet. And he makes me laugh. And he … he cares about me …” 

“Please, Croía,” Viktoria scoffed with a dry laugh. “You sound like a puppy, clinging to the first person that shows you any sort of attention. It’s rather pathetic.” Croía dropped her gaze, chewing the inside of her cheek. “And the attention this is drawing from the press is not something I wanted to deal with.”

Croía sighed. “I called … to ask you how to handle the press because I-I’m not … I wasn’t sure … but you never answered or returned those calls.” 

“I’ve got more important things to do than to tell you which side of your face looks better for the cameras,” Viktoria snapped. “And the last thing you should be focused on right now is finding someone to hold your damn hand. You should be focused on your lessons.”

“I am focused,” Croía said. “I have high remarks in all my classes.” 

“Well, hopefully, they’ll be of some kind of use to you when you leave this place.” 

The tone of her voice caused Croía’s brows to furrow. “What do you mean?”

Viktoria shook her head, clearly vexed over what she was about to say. “Out of your siblings, you’re the only one left who hasn’t destroyed their own reputation. At least not yet.” 

“Lydea didn’t …” 

“Lydea is weak,” Viktoria spat. “She gave up her entitlement to the throne to play dress-up as a guard, which was only agreed to so she didn’t turn out to be a complete embarrassment. Had I known all of what was to come, I never would have allowed it. Your other siblings are nothing but sorry excuses, especially your older brother.” Croía imperceptibly tensed her jaw at her dig at Trystan. “And then there’s you.” She looked at Croía disapprovingly. “While still a sorry excuse and bordering on being a complete lost cause … there’s room for potential … very little room, but it’s there.” 

Croía dropped her gaze, not wanting her to see the flash of hurt in her eyes that would be sure to bring her joy. The words were nothing new, but it didn’t make them sting any less. It felt like reopening a wound that had only just begun to heal. She’d gone the last few months without having to hear her mother disparage her daily, and then she showed up out of the blue and had done nothing but degrade her since she opened the door.

“Who would have thought that out of all of you, the mistake would end up being one of my last hopes for keeping my bloodline on the throne? But you have a long way to go and much to prove to me first …” 

Croía lifted her gaze to her again, unable to hide both the surprise and uneasiness in her eyes at what she was hinting.

****

After a hot shower, Liam stepped out of the bathroom with a towel wrapped around his waist. His mind was still on Croía; it had only been an hour since he left her suite, but he wondered how she was faring with her mother. 

As he made his way to his dresser, the phone Croía had given him started to ring on his desk. There was only one person who would be calling. Liam glanced at it, hesitating, unsure if he should answer; from what he knew, if it went unanswered, he would just call again. 

Not knowing how long he’d have the phone in his possession, Liam turned, grabbing it from his desk to answer it. “Uh … hey, Trystan.”

“Liam?” Trystan questioned on the other end. 

“Yeah …”

“Why are you answering Croía’s phone?”

Liam cleared his throat. “She, um … asked me to hold onto it.”

“Why?”

“Your mom showed up at her suite this morning …” 

“Wait, what?”

“Yeah,” Liam sighed, running his hand through his damp hair. “She was banging on the door bright and early.”

“Shit,” Trystan grumbled, trying to ignore the fact that he was pretty certain Liam had just inadvertently admitted to sleeping at Croía’s place considering he was with her ‘bright and early.’ There were more pressing matters at hand and he really didn’t want to think about that at the moment. “Did she say why she was there?”

“No,” Liam answered. “And she didn’t look … pleasant.” 

“She never does,” Trystan scoffed.

“Croía gave me the phone before I left and asked me to keep it so your mom didn’t see it.” 

He definitely stayed the night. Trystan shook his head, forcing himself to focus. “That was a smart move on her end.” He sighed. “How did Croía seem when you left?”

“Honestly? She looked … terrified.” Liam rubbed his hand over his mouth. “I don’t mean any disrespect, but is, uh … is your mom as mean as she looks?”

“No disrespect taken. And no, she’s not as mean as she looks,” Trystan answered, falling quiet for a moment. “She’s worse.” 

Liam’s brows knitted at his answer. “What?” 

“You think I’m kidding …” 

“No,” Liam said. “Not based on Croía’s reaction to seeing her. She looked like she wanted to be anywhere else.” 

“Look …” Trystan sighed. “I can tell since being there at Vancross that probably for the first time in her life, Croía is genuinely happy. But if our mom senses that, she’s going to do anything she can to strip it away from her.”

“Why? Why would she do that?”

“Because she takes joy in making others just as miserable as she is,” Trystan scoffed. “Myself and my other siblings, while we certainly took our fair share from her, knew how to stand our ground. Croía doesn’t. And because of that, our mom has the ability to very easily get inside her head.” 

“Inside her head, how?”

“By making her feel as unworthy and useless as possible.” 

Liam sighed as he thought back to when he first met Croía; she was extremely shy and quiet, she didn’t speak unless spoken to, and she was unsure of herself even when it came to making the most basic of decisions. And while she was still a little shy and quiet, she had started to come out of that shell she hid inside when she first arrived. She smiled and laughed more, she was a little more outgoing, and every day Liam felt like he was seeing more and more of the person she really was. He didn’t want to see that disappear. 

“What … what can I do?”

“Unfortunately … nothing.”

“What do you mean?” Liam scoffed. 

“I mean that it would probably be best for both your sakes if you just kept your distance until she leaves,” Trystan answered. “Trust me when I tell you that my mother’s bad side is not one you want to get on, Liam. You have no idea what she’s capable of …” 

****

In the living area of her suite, Croía stared in a daze as she sat across from her mother on the sofa. This is how it had been all day; bouts of uncomfortable silence in between harsh and critical words. 

Pulled from her thoughts by a ring, Croía’s eyes subtly shifted up to watch her mother glance at her phone. “I need to take this,” she said before standing; she walked to the door, stepping out of the suite into the hallway for privacy.

Croía took the welcomed moment alone to head to her room; she shut the door and leaned against it, looking up at the ceiling as her eyes began to blur with tears. Her anxiety had spiked. She attempted to take in a deep breath, but it hitched in her throat instead; she squeezed her eyes shut, shaking her head as the tears began to fall. 

Having a break from the barrage of criticism and insults, while good at the time, had somehow made this time feel even worse for Croía than it ever had before. She was still unsure why her mother was even there but was informed that she planned to stay the remainder of the weekend. If the sole purpose of her visit was to drag Croía down, she’d already succeeded, and there was no need for the extra two-day stay. She didn’t know if she would be able to take two more days of it. 

Croía lifted her trembling hand to her cheek, wiping the tears only for them to be replaced by more. She knew she needed to calm down, however. Her mother took joy in seeing her that way and she didn’t want to give her that satisfaction. She took in a few shuddered breaths, letting each one out slowly as she attempted to compose herself. 

Pushing herself off the door, Croía walked into her bathroom; she splashed some cool water on her face and patted it dry before covering up the redness with some powder. She glanced at her watch; it was almost 4 pm, and she supposed she should find out exactly what her mother wanted to do for dinner so they had time to make arrangements. 

When Croía opened her bedroom door, she paused in the doorway when she saw her mother standing in the living area. “Who was on the phone?” she asked.

“None of your business,” Viktoria chided. 

Croía let out a quiet breath. “It seemed urgent,” she said, earning a look from her. “Sorry, I … I was just making sure everything was ok. I thought perhaps you were needed back at home.”

“You’d like that, wouldn’t you?” Viktoria smirked.

You have no idea. “No, I … I was just …” Croía trailed off with a sigh. “Actually, I was wondering what you wanted to do for dinner …” 

“If lunch was any indication, I doubt they have anything halfway decent around here, but I should eat …” 

“Whatever you’re in the mood for is fine with me,” Croía said. “If you want fine dining … there’s a place I’ve heard others say great things about, but I haven’t personally been there myself.”

“Oh? I guess that means Liam doesn’t think he can take you anywhere nice,” Viktoria scoffed. “Not that I can say that I blame him.” 

Croía bit down on the inside of her cheek hard to keep her expression neutral and not show the sting her words caused as she gripped her thumb with her hand. “I’ll call … and make a reservation.” She turned and walked toward the kitchen to grab her phone from the counter. 

“Speaking of Liam,” Viktoria smiled sinisterly as Croía looked back at her. “Why don’t you give him a call and invite him to join us …” 

****

Sitting in the back of the SUV, Liam drummed his fingers against his thigh as his guard drove him to Blue Chandelier, a swanky restaurant just off campus where he was meeting Croía and her mother for dinner. 

When Croía called him a couple of hours ago, Liam was surprised by the invitation to join them, but he wasn’t going to turn it down. Despite Trystan’s earlier warning to keep his distance, when he spoke to her, Croía didn’t seem like herself; he both needed and wanted to see her to make sure she was ok. 

The SUV pulled up along the curb outside of the restaurant; Liam shot Croía a quick text to see if they were there yet, and she responded, saying they were about to pull up. He slipped out of the vehicle onto the sidewalk, standing away from the doors, waiting. 

When another SUV pulled up behind his, Liam watched Croía’s guard get out of the driver’s side and open the back door. Viktoria slipped out first; she traded her earlier black ensemble for a black knee-length dress. Croía followed behind her, and he smiled when she looked up and met his gaze, but that smile slightly fell when he realized hers wasn’t as genuine as she was trying to make it appear. 

When they approached, Liam nodded in acknowledgment to Viktoria. “Ma’am …” 

“Hm,” Viktoria hummed before brushing by him and walking inside. 

Liam watched her for a moment; her response made him question why she even invited him along. He then looked at Croía, who still had her gaze down. “Hey,” he said before leaning down to kiss her cheek. 

“Hi …” 

“Are you alright?” Liam asked.

Croía finally looked at him; her eyes were heavy, and he didn’t need to guess why. “Yeah …” 

“You don’t have to save face for me,” Liam said quietly, reaching out and taking her hand in his. 

“Croía!” Viktoria barked from the entrance. 

Liam watched her stiffen. “I’m ok,” Croía nodded. “Let’s go …” She went to walk by him, but Liam’s hand remained wrapped around hers; she glanced over her shoulder at him, feeling him give it a squeeze before they walked inside together. 

****

Liam’s jaw imperceptibly ticked as he stared across the table at Viktoria, watching as she casually sipped her glass of wine while waiting for her dessert. His exasperation was at an all-time high, simmering just below the surface as he struggled to keep himself from saying something he might regret … though he doubted he would truly regret it. 

The entire dinner Liam had listened to Viktoria do nothing but condemn Croía, making one snide remark after the next. When Viktoria wasn’t nitpicking everything Croía did from the way she was sitting to how she was holding her fork, she made personal attacks about how inept she thought she was. Everything Croía had told him about her mother and their relationship was clearly dumbed down; she was far worse than he could have imagined. 

What shocked Liam even more is how Croía just sat there and took it. She didn’t speak up about any of what Viktoria was saying to her. In fact, she hadn’t spoken at all unless asked a question.

“So, Liam … how are your parents?” Viktoria questioned. 

Liam stared at her, keeping his expression inscrutable. “They’re fine … why do you ask?”

“Just curious,” Viktoria shrugged. “It’s been quite some time since I’ve seen them.”

“I didn’t realize you knew them …” 

Viktoria offered a smile, one that made him feel wary. “We have a bit of history. Nothing you need to concern yourself with, however.” She took another sip of her wine, holding his gaze over the rim of the glass. “And what do they think of … whatever this is between you and her?” she asked, gesturing between him and Croía. 

“Of our relationship?” Liam asked, emphasizing the last word with a small bite in his tone before his eyes shifted to Croía next to him. He noticed her hands fidgeting in her lap as she gripped her thumb, rubbing her knuckle like she had been earlier. He reached out, resting his hand on top of hers to get her to stop, offering reassurance and a genuine smile when she met his gaze. “They think she’s wonderful.” 

“They clearly don’t know her very well then,” Viktoria scoffed. “But then again, they did always strike me as a bit charitable.” Liam snapped his gaze back to her, biting his tongue as he narrowed his eyes. “You know, I’d have thought someone like you, especially considering you’re now the future King, would have gone for someone a little more … polished,” Viktoria added. Liam furrowed his brows at her words before his gaze shifted to Croía; she remained silent, staring down at her plate with a dejected look in her eyes. “Someone a little more poised, smarter, perhaps more experienced in life and capable of standing on their own. None of those things describe Croía.” 

“Enough is enough,” Liam said calmly yet with a thundering command in his tone as he looked back at Viktoria. He couldn’t take it anymore, unable to bite his tongue any longer. Croía’s eyes widened when she looked at him, and his expression was full of indignation. “I listened to you belittle her this morning, and now, the entire dinner you’ve done the same. You’ve done nothing since you’ve been here but tear her down and go out of your way to purposely demoralize her. What the hell is wrong with you?” 

Croía’s heart was racing as she stared at him, stunned. “Liam, please—”

“Let’s not interrupt his little rant, Croía,” Viktoria admonished. Now she’d be able to truly see exactly how far gone from under her control Croía was, so she wanted him to keep going. She needed to ensure Croía was in thrall to her still, knowing that any future plans she had depended on it. 

“It’s not a rant,” Liam spit back. “It’s the truth. You’ve treated her like garbage, and I’m sick of listening to it.” 

“I allowed you out to dinner with us only as a courtesy—” 

“A courtesy for who, exactly?” Liam bit back.

“You will not sit here and tell me how to speak to my daughter. If you don’t like it, then leave,” Victoria chided. “And may I remind you of our difference in rank—”

“Someone needs to tell you how to speak to her,” Liam interrupted, “because everything that has come out of your mouth has been one malicious comment after the next, each one solely intended to cut her down and humiliate her! And as far as your rank versus mine, we’re not in Drakovia, Viktoria. We’re here on neutral ground. And me treating you with respect to your title earlier? That was a courtesy.”

“Liam,” Croía ground out, finally pulling his attention to her. “Stop, please.” Her words earned an unseen smirk from her mother.

“No, I’m not going to sit here and listen to her lambasting you anymore, Croía. And you shouldn’t either.” She let out a breath as she stared at him, her expression pleading, and his brows knitted in confusion. “Can I talk to you for a minute?” He watched her glance in her mother’s direction, almost as if she were seeking permission. 

Croía looked back at him when she heard the sound of his chair against the floor as he pushed himself away from the table. He stood, looking down as he waited, and she could feel her mother’s eyes boring into her from her other side; they were both staring at her expectantly. She turned to her mother, but wouldn’t meet her stone-cold gaze. “I-I’ll be … I’ll be right back.” 

Liam walked away from the table, and Croía followed him. They stepped outside and he moved away from the door before he turned to look at her. 

“What was that?” Croía asked.

Liam shook his head. “I’m sorry, but I don’t know how you can sit there and listen to that!”

“Liam, you—”

“And then you tell me to stop when I’m trying to defend you?”

“Because you’re only making it worse!” Croía retorted. 

“I’m making it worse? Me? Not her and the constant barrage of insults she’s been slinging at you all damn evening? You don’t deserve to be treated that way, Croía! By anyone! Least of all, your own mother!” 

“Liam, please … just let me handle my mom.”

“But you’re not handling her! You’re just sitting there taking it when you don’t need to!” When he saw her wince at the raise in his voice, Liam stepped forward, cupping her face in his hands. “I’m sorry, but you’re a human being, Croía. No one deserves to be treated the way she has treated you.” 

Liam didn’t get it; he never would, but Croía understood that. He didn’t grow up the way she did, so he couldn’t possibly understand why she would just sit there and take it. She bore the brunt of her mother’s vitriol for as long as she could remember. Unfortunately, this was nothing new, and she was very much used to it. And simply taking it is what Croía did; she sat quietly and let her mother say whatever it was she needed or wanted while trying — and usually failing — to not let her words get to her. It was easier that way; if she rebuked anything, the onslaught would only worsen until Croía was reduced to tears in front of her because that was the only thing that brought her mother enough gratification to stop. There was no sense in trying to reason with the woman about anything. 

“I know you were trying to help me, but it … it’s not helping. I just … need to get through the rest of her visit, and then she’ll be gone.”

Liam’s brows furrowed as his hands fell away from her face. “You’re really just going to take more of her … abuse?”

“Liam, you don’t get it. And that’s ok. I just … please, let me handle this on my own … by myself …” 

“Croía—”

“I have to go back in.”

“No, you don’t!” Liam threw his hands up in frustration. “Why are you so afraid of standing up to her?”

Croía took a step back, casting her gaze downward, and Liam’s brows raised in surprise. He couldn’t help but notice that her mother’s arrival had done nothing but pull her back into that shell she’d spent the last few months breaking out of. She was despondent, her confidence shaken, standing before him like some scolded child. 

“I’ll talk to you later,” Croía said just above a whisper, not looking at him. Without another word, she turned and headed back inside.

****

Liam was still seething as he stepped through the gates and back on campus; he opted to walk back, needing to clear his head. He still couldn’t wrap his mind around the way Viktoria spoke to Croía. No, perhaps he should have just kept his mouth shut, but he couldn’t sit there and listen to Viktoria anymore, and it was clear Croía wasn’t going to say anything. 

Thinking back on his talk with Croía caused a flood of even more irritation to course through Liam as he walked down the pathway back toward his building; he never expected them to end up in a tiff over him speaking up, on her behalf nonetheless. 

As his temper flared, Liam let out a loud growl and flung his leg out, kicking a metal garbage can that sat underneath the lamppost before continuing down the path. When he glanced over his shoulder upon hearing the clunk it made when it hit the ground, he watched wads of garbage roll out of it onto the grass. He looked straight ahead again, but slowed his pace with a heavy sigh; he looked up at the night sky when he came to a stop and shook his head, mumbling obscenities under his breath before turning back. 

Liam bent down, picking up the garbage and tossing it into the can before pulling it upright and shifting it back into its position under the lamppost. As he started back down the path, his phone rang; he quickly pulled it from his pocket, hoping to see Croía’s name on the screen … but it wasn’t her. He wasn’t in the mood to talk at the moment, but he hadn’t spoken to them all week and knew they’d just try again. He slid his thumb across the screen before lifting it to his ear.

“Yeah,” Liam answered, not pleasantly.

“Hello to you too,” Eleanor replied, glancing at Constantine beside her, who furrowed his brows at his son’s more than unusual greeting. 

Liam let out a breath. “Hi, Mom …” 

“That’s better,” Eleanor quipped. “What are you up to?”

“Walking.”

“To?”

“Back to my building.”

“From?” 

“Dinner.”  

Eleanor took note of the way Liam not only sounded upset but how short he was being with her as well; that wasn’t like him. “What’s the matter?” 

“Nothing.”

“Liam …” 

With a sigh, Liam closed his eyes; his mother always knew when something was bothering him, no matter how big or small or how hard he tried to hide it, not that he was trying to hide it now. “I just … had a little disagreement with Croía … it’s nothing.” 

Eleanor hesitated for a moment, not wanting him to feel like she was trying to pry, but her curiosity got the better of her. “What about?” 

“Her mom is here …”

Eleanor stiffened, meeting Constanine’s gaze as he sat forward with a tense look in his eyes. “Oh?”

“Yeah …” 

“And … why would her mother being there cause you and Croía to have a disagreement?” Eleanor asked, trying to keep her voice as casual as possible.

“I know I shouldn’t be speaking ill of anyone, but, Mom, she is … she’s awful,” Liam said. “I have never met someone so cold-hearted in my entire damn life.” 

“What happened?” 

“She showed up at Croía’s suite this morning, completely out of the blue, and as soon as she arrived, she started in on Croía, making these snide comments,” Liam explained. “She didn’t seem to like me at all, though I was nothing but polite to her. I asked Croía if she wanted me to stay because she seemed really on edge by her being there, but she said no, so I left. She called later on, though, and said her mom invited me to join them for dinner …” Eleanor and Constantine shared a look. “So I met up with them at the restaurant. And the whole damn time, she did nothing but berate and belittle Croía, saying the most awful things to her … and I just … Mom, I snapped …” 

Eleanor let out a quiet breath. “What do you mean? What did you do?”

Liam sighed, running his fingers through his hair. “She made a comment, basically saying that she figured someone like me would want someone better than Croía, and she says it like Croía isn’t sitting right there!” He started to get worked up again just thinking about it. “And I just said enough was enough, that I was sick of listening to her humiliate Croía. She said that I didn’t get to tell her how to talk to her daughter and that if I didn’t like it then I could leave, and then reminded me of our difference in rank, to which I politely reminded her that her rank didn’t matter here. Croía finally jumped in, but she told me to stop … so I asked if I could talk to her. We went outside and she said that I wasn’t helping by sticking up for her, but that I was making it worse. Which makes no sense! How is my trying to defend her against her mom’s barrage of damn insults making it worse?” He tensed his jaw, shaking his head. “She told me that I didn’t ‘get it’ and I just needed to let her handle her mom … by herself … and then she walked away and went back inside …” 

“Liam …” Eleanor sighed, sharing another look with Constantine. “You need to be careful. You can’t just lose your temper with people … especially people like Viktoria Thorne …” 

“She doesn’t scare me,” Liam scoffed. “She’s a piss poor excuse for a human being. The things she said were completely out of line and—”

“Liam,” Eleanor admonished. “I’m just saying that …” She trailed off, trying to make sure she worded what she wanted to say properly without saying too much. “I’m saying that you will someday be sitting upon the throne, and if you let your emotions get the better of you the way you did tonight, that’s something others are going to remember. You’re the future King and you need to act as such. And as far as Croía … I understand, as I’m sure she does, that your heart was in the right place … but she’s right. You don’t get it. You were lucky enough to not grow up being treated the way she obviously has, so you don’t know what it’s like. You don’t know how to handle something like that because you’ve never been through it.”

“But she’s not handling it, Mom! And that’s exactly what I told her! She just sits there and lets her talk to her that way, and I can see how much it was hurting her, but she didn’t say anything to stop it!”

“You don’t get to judge how she chooses to handle it, Liam,” Eleanor chided. She let out a breath, softening her tone. “That is not your place. And you certainly don’t get to tell her how she should handle it or that she’s doing it wrong because it’s not the way you would do it because, again, you don’t know what it’s like. The last thing she needs is you criticizing her on top of what she’s already getting from her mother. What she needs from you is for you to just be understanding … and to be there when she needs that shoulder to lean on.” 

Liam’s irritation slowly ebbed away as his mother’s words sunk in. She was right, of course, like always. He let his emotions get the better of him and didn’t think about how he could be adding to what Croía was already feeling and going through. “Well, great,” he dropped his head back. “Now I just feel like an asshole …”

“I doubt she thinks that way about you,” Eleanor replied. “As I said, I’m sure she knows you meant well and she’s not going to hold it against you. Maybe you can reach out to her in a little bit …”

“She said she would talk to me later before she went back inside the restaurant …”

“And when she does, you need to apologize,” Eleanor said.

Liam sighed. “I know … I just … I hated seeing her sitting there looking so dejected. She just … she’s come so far out of her shell only to be sucked right back into it by Viktoria.” 

“Again, I’m sure she knows your heart was in the right place. And just … remember what I said about being careful, Liam. We don’t know much about Drakovia or the Thornes … only that they’re not exactly the friendliest bunch …”

Liam’s brows furrowed, remembering what Croía’s mom had mentioned at dinner. “Well, Viktoria made it sound like you guys have some kind of history …” 

Eleanor and Constantine looked at one another. “Not so much history, just … correlating affairs, so to speak …” Liam found the answer odd, but he didn’t question it further. “So … are you calmer now?”

“For the most part … I guess,” Liam replied. “I still think her mom is a fuc—”

“Liam,” Constantine warned before he could finish. 

Liam’s eyes slightly widened. “Oh, uh … hey, Dad …” 

Eleanor tittered as Constantine shook his head. “Well … tell us how your week went …”

****

That night, after her mother had gone to her hotel, Croía lay in bed inside her suite, staring out the window. Her breath hitched as a tear rolled from the corner of her eye, down over the bridge of her nose. 

Just last night, Croía had been on cloud nine, but one day with her mother had made that cloud dissipate. 

When she had gone back inside after speaking to Liam, her mother had laid into her about what she called his “disrespect” to her. Croía didn’t see it that way, but she couldn’t tell her that; she wouldn’t take lightly to disagreement. 

Croía knew Liam’s intentions were good, and despite asking him to stop so she could avoid any further revilement from her mother, she did appreciate what he was trying to do, more than he knew. Standing up for her was something no one had ever done before. 

After their conversation, however, and seeing how worked up and angry with her Liam had gotten over her inability to defend not only herself but him as well, Croía wasn’t sure he’d even want to talk to her. It’s why she didn’t reach out when she returned to her suite. She wouldn’t blame him. Seeing how her mother was, she fully expected Liam to run in the other direction, as far away from her as possible. 

*******

Late the following morning, Liam’s feet thudded against the pavement as he ran along the pathways across campus grounds, still trying to clear his head. He had waited up the night before to see if Croía was going to call or send a message, but he hadn’t heard from her. He figured she was still upset with him and decided not to reach out himself in order to give her some space. 

As he rounded the corner on the pathway that bordered the entrance gates of the university, Liam spotted Croía; she was coming up the path from the opposite direction. 

“Croía!” Liam called out.

Glancing over when she heard her name, Croía slowed to a stop in front of the gates as Liam jogged towards her. He stopped in front of her, catching his breath as the two stared at one another. “Hi,” she finally said.

“Hi …” As they continued to stare, Liam couldn’t help but notice how downhearted she appeared. He glanced down at her hands, seeing them start to fidget the same way they were yesterday as she gripped her thumb with her hand. His brows furrowed when he noticed the red mark on the knuckle of her one thumb; she had been so anxious, she had rubbed the spot raw. He sighed, glancing up to meet her gaze again as he reached out and took her hands in his. “Croía, I’m sorry about last night.” 

“You don’t have—”

“I do have to apologize,” Liam interrupted, knowing what she was going to say. “You were right … I don’t get it. I never meant to pile on to what you were already going through and I didn’t mean to make things worse.” He watched her eyes begin to glisten as she stared up at him. “I just … I hated seeing you hurt …” Her lip began to tremble and her breath hitched before she dropped his gaze. “Hey …” Liam sighed, pulling her to him and wrapping his arms around her as she cried. 

“I’m sorry,” Croía choked out. 

Liam drew back enough to cup her face in his hands; he tilted her head so her eyes met his, brushing his thumbs gently across her cheeks to wipe her tears away. “You don’t have to be sorry … and you also don’t have to allow someone to make you feel this way. I’m not trying to tell you how to handle it,” he shook his head. “All I’m saying is that you’re here now. You’ve been away from that … and you’ve been better for it. Everything she is saying to you and filling your head with is wrong. And I just want you to see how amazing you are, Croía. Because you are.”

Croía’s brows furrowed as more tears began to fall, and he pulled her back to him as she allowed his words to sink in. And then, Trystan’s words started to mingle with his. “You got away, Croía. And you can stay away … if you choose.” And Liam was right … she had been better since being there, away from her mother and her constant degradation. She’d been more relaxed and carefree. She’d made friends. She’d been happier than she had ever been before. 

“Croía!” At the sound of her mother’s voice, Croía stiffened; she was supposed to be heading to breakfast with her. “Let’s go!” she barked. 

Croía slowly drew back away from Liam’s embrace and looked up at him; he looked at her with understanding and encouragement in his eyes. And suddenly, both his and Trystan’s words became louder in her mind. 

They were right. 

Perhaps it was being away from it and surrounded by people who treated her with kindness and empathy for the first time in her life. Maybe it was the strength that Liam gave her and the solace she found with him. Whatever the reason, something finally clicked inside. Croía realized at that moment that the way she had been treated wasn’t something she deserved or had to put up with, regardless of who it was coming from. 

Turning to see her mother standing near the SUV on the other side of the gates with her usual scowl, Croía shook her head. “No …” 

Viktoria’s brow arched as she approached the gates. “Excuse me?”

“Why did you even come here?” Croía’s voice trembled as she wiped her cheeks. “Because it wasn’t for me …”

“Croía, get out here and in the car.” Viktoria’s gaze flickered up to Liam behind her. “We can talk about whatever this is alone.” 

“No,” Croía said, standing her ground. “I-I’m not … I’m not going with you. I don’t want to be your verbal punching bag anymore. I won’t be,” her breath hitched. “I just want you to leave.” 

Viktoria’s jaw visibly tensed as her eyes narrowed. “Croía—”

“Go home, Mom.” 

Croía stared at her mother for a tense moment before, for the first time, she turned her back to her. Without hesitation, Liam slipped his hand into hers, and the two walked down the pathway, away from the gates. He couldn’t help but throw one last glance over his shoulder, seeing Viktoria rooted in place with her arms crossed, clearly seething as she watched them. He turned back, shifting his eyes to Croía; a small smile played on his lips as a swell of pride filled his chest. 

When they rounded a bend in the pathway, finally out of view from the gates, what just happened hit Croía. “Oh my god …” She slowed her steps as her hands palmed her temples. “What did I just do?” 

Liam looked at her, seeing the panic in her eyes. “Hey,” he said, gently pulling her hands away from her head. “You did what you needed to do for yourself. There’s nothing wrong with that.” 

“She’s going to be furious, Liam. And she-she’s—”

“Croía,” Liam said, and she looked up at him. “It’s going to be ok. She’s going to go home and you’re going to be here, and you’re not going to have to deal with it.” 

Croía dropped his gaze as she took in a few breaths, slowly nodding. He was right. “Ok …” 

“And, hey …” Liam said, and she looked back up at him. “I’m proud of you,” he smiled. “I know that wasn’t easy for you … but you did it.” His words earned a small smile from her, and he leaned down pressing his lips to hers in a lingering kiss. “Come on,” he said as he drew back and slung his arm over her shoulders. “I’ll make you breakfast, and then we can spend the rest of the day doing whatever you want.”

****

Viktoria slammed the door of the SUV shut when she slipped out, stepping onto the tarmac of the airport where her jet was waiting. She pulled up a name in the contact list of her phone and tapped her finger to the screen before lifting it to her ear as she made her way toward the aircraft. 

“How’s the visit?” a voice answered a moment later.

“I’m getting on the jet. Does that tell you anything?”

“I take it that it didn’t produce the results you were hoping …”

“No,” Viktoria spat. “I told you her being around him was going to be a problem, but you didn’t listen.”

“Around him, yes, perhaps, but how was she when she was alone with you?”

“The same piddling girl she’s always been,” Viktoria grumbled. “But we’re never going to be able to use her for our bidding. Any hope that you had that the two of them being together would be a way in for us, you can forget it.”

“Well,” the person scoffed. “I guess we don’t have a choice but to go the other route then …” 

Viktoria smirked triumphantly. “I was hoping you’d say that.” 

***************************************

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[finniestoncrane]

Can I ask for your opinion? Is it creepy for an older adult to write about a younger character, particularly a reader insert?

I'm 30 and I do struggle so much with insecurity and anxiety about my age (I feel sick in my stomach when I have to type out my age).

And for years I would see so much hate for "30 year old fandom moms". I don't see that as much as I used to on here, and I've tried very hard to keep to myself and not do anything that could be bothersome or creepy or problematic, but I still worry about it.

So to get to the actual point, I have a story idea but it depends on the reader insert character being in their early 20s. I try to only write for characters my age and older and I always keep reader inserts around my age as well, but it would be an age gap ship with a canon character. (I know age gap ships are a whole other thing too...)

Do you think this would be ok, or would be too problematic?

hello my fellow 30 year old beloved!! i literally got up from my lying down position to answer this that's how much i want to be literally holding your face in my hands when i tell you this:

the internet is filled with worst cunts. you are literally talking about writing a fic (a fictional piece of work where you can safely explore a theme that you might be uncomfortable with) where both of the characters are GROWN ADULTS you are doing/thinking/writing nothing wrong

you can literally do whatever you want forever!! i don't usually specify reader age because there are people who are 18 and up following me. they can project themselves onto whatever character x reader pairing i'm writing (although everyone should know that in my head the reader is me and the characters are always like over 50 regardless)

there's always going to be someone who thinks it's probematic! there are no doubt people who have unfollowed me or blocked me because i write dubcon/cnc/hypno or even just piss stuff! but that's FINE because you know what they did? they left quietly of their own volition like adults should. anyone who kicks up a stink needs to get a little grip on reality 💚

but please do bear in mind that this might be a biased response because you have sent this ask to me, a bean who has never wanted fictional hole from a man less than 20 years her senior the only thing i think is problematic about your premise is that i'm jealous of your reader because they got a head start on fuckin old men and my dumb ass married a man a year younger than me lmao

[thisiskitta]

Ask Game: List 5 things that make you happy, then put this in the askbox for the last 10 people who liked or reblogged something from you! get to know your mutuals and followers :)

Sorry, I didn't get to answer this til now. Thank you for sending this over to me! 1. My boyfriend. We've been together since January 2019. We knew eachother before that but we got closer in the fall of 2018 when I went through a really bad dental issue that made me sick for days unable to sleep and all that. He comforted me and was there for me that whole time. We are long distance, met online through a MMO and we're going as strong as ever. He's a fun guy and we can talk about anything, very open to eachother. We are very opposite but come together so well ^-^ He is so precious to me, treats me like no one ever has before and can make anything better. He is the sweetest man alive and I love him to pieces.

2. My cat Luna. My #1 companion. I've raised her since birth as she is the sole kitten my dad's cat had. I lived with my dad at the time and Zara (luna's mom) would bring Luna under my bed covers when she was like 3 days old. I had struggles trying to keep her in a safe space that she wouldn't just bring the kitten back in my bed. I even put the box with blankets in my bed and it didn't stop it lol. Luna is VERY attached to me due to this. A very clingy & affectionate cat. She always is near me and she sleeps on top of my butt/legs when I go to bed lol. She has a great fun personality and is so pretty. 3. Playing games. I mean a bit of a duh. I am definitely a gamer™ from MMO to single player RPG, narrative focus, to survival building to cozy games. I go with obsessive phases where all I want to play, do and consume is related around the game I am into at the moment. I've recently come back to The Sims franchise which I played for thousands upon thousands of hours where I was a kid/teenager (the sims 2 and the sims 3 being my big ones) but quit on the launch of Sims 4 because I hated what had been done by EA. I love the way the game is now and I am having a lot of fun with it. 4. Rain. I am a huge pluviophile. It will literally soothe my brain. I listen to soft rain videos when I have bad anxiety or unable to sleep (ADHD being a huge issue for my sleeping and rain sounds help focus my brain and relax instead of wandering in the highspeed rail train of thoughts I get lol) I even spent some time trying to figure out why it has such an effect on me and I think I cracked the code. I think it's the subconsciousness feeling of safety being inside while it's "not good" outside. That feeling of coziness the rain instantly gives. But I can't explain why I love it so much lol the sound, even the visuals. Gifs of rain give me instant good vibes. 5. Watching a bad movie with my online friends. Like a so bad it's good type of movie. Think The Room and... the Twilight saga (I'm sorry girls/boys/nbs) We laugh so freaking hard and it is such a good time.

[thereconstructinggirl]

The Reconstruction After the Deconstruction: The Tower Falls

I remember the day that my faith finally crumbled around me. It was June 19, 2020, and it started like a pretty normal day working at K-Kountry in Branson, Missouri. I remember going about my day in the kitchen, visiting my kids during free time, reminding other campers to keep their face coverings on because COVID-19 was wreaking havoc on society around us, and feeling all of the joy that came with my summers at Kanakuk Kamps.

I remember being pulled aside by the head women’s director and told that my mom had called to let me know my great-grandfather, my last living blood-related great-grandparent, had passed away.

No.

I knew he was old and sick but no. Pop was the strongest man alive he couldn’t die yet. Not while I’m trapped in a place states away from my family and leaving means I can’t come back.

I can’t imagine what I looked like trying to walk calmly to the front office to retrieve my phone and call my dad. I can’t imagine what the poor girl who asked me if I had permission to get my phone as I burst into tears was thinking while I used what little strength I had left to not jump the desk and get it myself. She was just doing her job, and I was simply experiencing grief like I hadn’t known in a long time.

A girl I knew pulled me into a hug and attempted what every evangelical Christian uses to comfort someone who just lost a loved one.

“He’s with our Lord. He’s not suffering anymore.”

And while that would usually bring me a lot of comfort, my Pop was an atheist. According to his beliefs, his existence ended the moment he took his last breath. His body would be lowered into the ground, and that was it. According to my belief, the kindest man I ever knew and who never let the horrors of war he experienced color his view of people who were different than him was in Hell.

Nobody knew what to do after that. Pop was stubborn. We didn’t call him an ironhead for nothing. I knew that there was no way that he would have some eleventh-hour spiritual awakening and suddenly accept Jesus as a savior or belief in God.

They let me take the evening off. I brought my dinner, my Bible, and the tarot deck I had snuck in my backpack down to the dock. Eventually, kids would file into the lower field because of course tonight was a party night. And as a hundred or so 7-11-year-old boys and girls from around the country (but mainly Missouri, Texas, Arkansas, and Tennessee) played a summer camp-friendly spy-themed scavenger hunt, I was asking God why. Why did my incredible great-grandfather who I knew was such a good person deserve to be in Hell forever for simply not believing?

I pulled The Tower.

If you know anything about tarot and about how to read and interpret the cards, you know that it’s one of the most feared cards by novice readers. In simple terms, it symbolizes chaos, sudden change, and destruction.

This card was the final straw in what I felt was my already dissolving faith. I had just figured out I was queer, I was discovering “witchtok” and finding comfort in divination through tarot cards, and there was no more ignoring that the world around me was burning. If there was a God, He was cruel and unforgiving. He let young black men be murdered by the very police officers who had sworn to protect them. He let a deadly virus bring the world to a screeching halt (and my study-abroad ventures be ripped from my hands). He let a man who meant the world to me go to Hell just for being an atheist.

I went from being an active member of the Religious Life Leadership Team at my college to literally never stepping foot into the office again for my last two years of school. A place where I had felt nothing but acceptance despite not being Methodist or being pre-ministry, suddenly brought me anxiety. The Wesley ministry group I was an active member of that welcomed queer people and questioners sent me into fight or flight mode.

Because I had experienced such a sudden change in attitude at the summer camp I had given 13 years of my life to, who’s to say that these people who have barely known me for two years wouldn’t treat me the same?

Not only did I start the grueling and mentally taxing process of deconstruction alone, but I searched for liberation in the ancient traditions of my long-dead ancestors. So I started calling myself pagan. It brought me comfort and confidence, but I was still angry and scared. I began calling myself a practitioner, because "witch" never felt quite right. I reclaimed my personal power that I was often led to believe was sinful.

When I moved across the country from my family and friends after graduating college, I found myself falling out of my practice. I found myself sobbing watching Midnight Mass on Netflix and sitting in the parking lots of a local Episcopal or Unitarian Universalist church near my apartment in Tucson. Never going in, but simply sitting and listening to the ringing bells. I found myself driving up to my favorite lookout on Mt. Lemmon to feel as close as I could to anything divine.

I didn't want to admit that I didn't know who I was or what I believed any more.

Now I sit here, almost done with my first year of graduate school, and a kind of regular at an Episcopal cathedral where I live now. I contemplate confirmation (since I was never confirmed as a child) and even contemplate going to seminary.

I still can't call myself a Christian. That term comes with baggage that I'm not ready to tote around again quite yet, but maybe I will get there again.

I still read tarot and still pray to and work with Brigid, but she's morphing into St. Brigid now.

I find myself praying again and opening up my Bible app to read the verse of the day.

I read my favorite book of the Bible regularly to remind myself that the theology that does not include justice for the disenfranchised is not the theology for me.

My hope is that this blog will document my thoughts as I begin to formally reconstruct the faith that shattered right before my eyes.

~ The Reconstructing Girl

[crazedmetalhead]

Eddie Head cannons/ character analysis

Is this gonna be me projecting onto a fictional character; yes, yes it is. This is just my opinion of what I think Eddie would be like as someone who grew up in a trailer park, with a lot of the conditions that the fandom assumes Eddie went through in his childhood. For context, there will be dark themes, don't like, don't read. THIS IS MY OPPINION (sorry if it makes no sense)

Okay so there has been some discourse in the community about whether Eddie would be a softie or a hard-ass, and I raise a middle ground. I feel like Eddie would seem like a hard-ass, hell, he'd act rough and shit around his friends, and he's loud, he wears leather and chains, I can see where you're coming from, and I also see where people get that he's a softie, from his interactions with Chrissy. I think you're both right, let me explain. "Eddie's always amped up," to me, this means that he's always on guard, he's been hurt before, this man grew up between truck stops and tin cans. The way I see it is he was always, poor, never knew any luxury. He probably grew up in a trailer with his sick mom and abusive dad, he was probably moved around a lot after his mom died, maybe his dad was a part of organized crime or something, which is why he knows how to hotwire a car. He's terrified of getting hurt again, yet expects it so he puts up a tough guy act, but deep down he wants to be good, he wants to protect those he loves. There's also the discourse about Lucas and as a Dungeon Master, I can tell you, if one of my party members last minute cancelled on us, the day of the session, especially a big one, to hang out with people who are known bullies.... I'd also be pissed off, I'd think, "Fuck he's really fraternizing with the enemy," and I would also get a substitute player. Campaigns take months to plan, that session for cult of Vecna alone probably took at least two weeks of planning and Eddie had to buy everything for it, D&D figures are not cheap either so if he planned it down to the player, which many of us do, that'd be infuriating. I think that all the supplies for that game today would run at over $120.00 which for a super senior living in his uncle's trailer and dealing drugs to get by, is a hell of a lot of money. Also, every single other person in the party agreed that that day was okay, and so did Lucas at the time, postponing would screw everyone over, it's literally how every D&D group runs, at the end of the session you all work out the next time you can meet. It's a really high-pressure hobby to be a Dungeon Master because it's not just making the game and improv, it's also managing everyone else's schedules. It can be stressful as hell. Especially with a party of that size. I feel his reaction was pretty valid as someone who has had that happen.

With Chrissy he was soft, yes, that's because he saw how scared she was, Eddie isn't the sort to kick somebody when they're down and wouldn't try and freak her out when she's already practically shaking with anxiety, and sure, he may have had a little crush on her- he has eyes. I think when she says she thought he'd be mean and scary it's not only because he's loud and wears mean looking clothes, I think there is valid reasons, as some of you say, but I think he has his reasons to act that way. He probably got into a lot of fist fights, that's just how the highschool hierarchy works, but I don't think he'd have started it. I believe Eddie is a firm believer of, "I don't start shit, but I will finish it," as well as, "Fuck around and find out," and I feel like a lot of people fucked around and had their asses handed to them. Also, being called the freak all your life is eventually grating on you and eventually you put yourself in that box before other people can, which usually includes wild hair, loud rants, hissing at people you don't like and a mean case of resting bitch face. Also, I raise to you, when I went to a new school, before I even dressed alt, people thought I'd be mean and scary simply because of my resting bitch face, so even without fist fights people would find Eddie intimidating. That being said, I feel like Eddie Munson is an onion of many layers, and if you break through those walls, he is a major softy, malleable butter in your hands. He'd at first be confused by the love you give him, suspicious that it's a prank, but when he trusts you, he trusts you with his life and it's hard to get it back if you shatter it. He definitely holds the doors for strangers, especially girls, he opens the car door and walks on the outside of the sidewalk, Wayne taught him how to treat a lady and he follows those rules. That's all, this is just my oppinion.

[bloodcorpceo]

today i am feeling pretty blackpilled. it's the first of the month...

i wanted to feel renewed, refreshed but instead I'm feeling pretty hopeless. i am having one of my many body dysmorphia outbursts. i saw this ugly picture of myself in bad lighting last night at a party and immediately began having negative thought loops and an anxiety attack. i know that sounds really silly to people who don't have issues like this but for me... this just made me feel defeated and hideous. i was already feeling down and ugly because no one talked to me at the bar or club last night again... people almost never approach me and my friends tell me it's because im "unapproachable" but sometimes i wonder if this is just cope not to hurt my feelings. what if the only time i look decent is when i am extremely curated but im actually ugly? i see all my flaws intensely and i often think im hideous or mid at best, no this isn't fishing for compliments either I've never been mentally sound with my appearance and spent too much of my life actually being a 4 to the point where i have permanent damage to my self image and general mental state.

i think the people around me irl are awful at dealing with and helping me with my mental health issues. this morning when i was seeking some kind of solid answer my friend just would silently nod or just say something like "don't seek approval from others". my mother and i got into an argument and she raised her voice at me calling me shallow and saying my primary focus is my appearance but she chooses to live in lala land and refuses to recognize that your appearance determines your entire quality of life, especially when you are as poor as me. i literally have no escape out of poverty besides my appearance because in reality I'm not that bright. my mom doesn't understand my mental health state despite having a psychology degree. she doesn't have pcos like me and never struggled with her weight as a young woman, always had tons of friends and boyfriends, was voted prom queen and even had a modeling contract. how could she ever possibly understand how i feel or relate to me? i have quite literally lived most of my life as a femcel. i can count on one hand how many friends i have even now and didn't even kiss a guy until i was over 20.

just last year i started to get sort of attractive by losing weight, changing my makeup and hair and finally felt a little comfortable putting myself out there but I'm still terrified. i still don't go out much and i feel like i repel people. I've built a wall to protect myself from being hurt again. i might be prettier than before but i still feel the same inside and I'm still socially inept, so i still don't attract people. i really need therapy but i cant afford it. i have been intensely struggling financially this year and i could barely scrounge up a dollar today to pay for my change difference at Starbucks because i desperately needed to get out of the house. i feel intensely upset about the fact that i thought i had found the perfect job to work from home just for the guy to scam me and never pay me even though i worked in bed editing a book for him while i was sick with COVID so i could get it in on time.

i was working my ass off expecting some compensation i desperately need. i feel at a dead end, I've been applying many places but my nail school schedule fucks me and it seems no one really wants to hire me. i can't go until the spring like this, I'm drowning in debt. i am also not looking forward to going back to nail school because i don't like the other girls and i had some issues and the vibe is dead, it won't be fun anymore, it won't be the same. i get upset thinking about it because i feel unwanted. i tried to talk to my friend about this too and she still gave me no reassurance, just the same generic responses. i don't feel relieved or comforted. i suppose i should stop dumping my feelings on my friends but i feel hopeless and really depressed. i don't want to do anything, right now i don't even want to exist.

i just want a decent job and a good man next to me and a home of my own and to get the fuck out of Detroit and to get the surgeries i want and to be thinner and prettier and i want a therapist

[3-lavender]

Tw a lot of stuff like a lot. Sui ideation, anxiety, depression, illness anxiety, ed, and probably more idk

If I were to actually go through with it, who would care and how would people react? I remember when my sister was in high school, a kid who she sat next to but never talked to went through with it. She was sad. She never talked to him but it still affected her. I never saw him and I don’t think I ever knew his name but it made me feel so so sad. Will people I never even talked to care? I’ve thought about it a lot. Nobody knows the extent. How will it affect my family? I know it would change things, a lot. Whenever I think about it, I compare my life to George baileys in its a wonderful life. Looking at the difference he made is amazing. I know I didn’t make nearly anything close to the difference he made but I know I’ve had an effect on people. I have friends and people who I love and who love me. I have family, family who’s already been through losing someone because of it. I have friends who they themselves struggle or have struggled with thoughts of it. My best friend. When we were in middle school, she showed me her journal. In it said, “if I had a gun right now I would kill myself”. I don’t remember the exact words but I remember the feeling. I felt sick and scared for her. I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t want to betray her by telling my mom. So I just told her that I love her and that it’s brave of her to keep living because she said she only hasn’t done it because she’s a coward. She’s still alive and I know she’s still sad in the way she has been, but I love her. I make sure to let her know how much I love her, to let all my friends know.

I smile a lot. And laugh. I am so myself so that others feel comfortable being themselves. I don’t understand. I smile and laugh and get excited and feel so in love with music or my friends but I still want to go through with it. I still think about it daily. I don’t understand how I can genuinely be happy but still want to die. I think it’s because I’m not happy with myself. I’ve hated myself for as long as I can remember. Everything. I’ve hated everything about myself. I remember feeling responsible for everyone’s feelings my entire life. I would think about my dad all alone and I’d cry and I’d spend more time with him. I remember never feeling comfortable talking about my feelings. I don’t know why. I never told my family about my elementary school crushes because I felt ashamed having them and vulnerable. I never cried in front of anyone. Ever. When I was around 3rd grade, I remember being in church and seeing my friend crying out of joy and the strong feeling of jealousy I felt. The jealousy that she was brave enough to express her emotions. I remember 6ish years ago, when I was 11, my dad got a lady pregnant. Adults are bad at hiding things because I found out the gender and that they were giving her up for adoption before he even told me. He told me and my little sister at the same time. I thought, “I can’t make him sad”, so I acted happy, even though in reality, I felt nothing.

Something that weighed down on me my entire life is intrusive thoughts. I’ve had them my whole life I think. I’d scream and run from knives and my brother thought it was bc I was scared of him but it was really because I thought one day I’d grab it and stab somebody. I had awful awful thoughts. I thought it was who I really was. I remember not being able to sleep because of how crowded my mind was with everything. I was terrified of dying in my sleep, I’d becoming evil and hurting someone. So, I’d play sleep music and lay on the couch and make up stories in my head until I fell asleep. Eventually, I learned what intrusive thoughts and learned how to ignore them. I still struggle occasionally but not nearly to the extent I struggled when I was too young to understand. I also thought I had cancer from literally the ages of like 8 to 15. I’m lowkey a hypochondriac. That was a big reason I couldn’t sleep as well.

So, I hated myself because I thought I was evil and responsible for everyone’s feelings, but I also hated how I looked. I saw my third grade yearbook photo and cried bc I thought I was fat. I refused to Look at pictures of myself bc they just made me blank out and cry. As I got older I just hated myself more and more.

Looking back, it suprises me how suicidal I am when back when I was a kid, the pain was so much sharper. Now, I just feel tired.

I’m so so tired. I sleep constantly. I don’t really like doing anything anymore. At work, if I make a single mistake, I tear myself down and I try to stop the spiraling but it goes out of my control very quickly. When I’m home, I have no motivation, when I’m anywhere even. I feel numb and confused. I think about death a lot

I have ways I’d do it. I know I’d play a certain song and drive out in the country roads. I’d go at night. I’d write letters. I’d call the cops so that nobody unsuspecting could find me and my family wouldn’t think I was missing. I don’t have a specific way of actually doing it.

[troglobite]

trying to not feel bad abt deliberately spraying febreze in front of the hvac intake so that my room stops fucking smelling like nausea-, headache-inducing scentsy candle

i literally can't think straight rn bc this day has been so fucking horrible with all of the smells and having to recover from Extremely High Anxiety and chores and a bad autoimmune flareup

and now today was just [DUMPS ON THE EXHAUSTION WITH THE NUMBER ONE WORST SENSORY TRIGGER]

i literally turned the hvac OFF earlier so that it would STOP PUMPING INTO MY ROOM

and it worked! i have a space heater and my mom's room is always hot/stuffy, it was FINE.

but she walked out and saw that it was 61 in the great room (lol tinyass thing) and turned it back on and it IMMEDIATELY started smelling in my room. so i sprayed febreze.

bc at least it takes me a long time to get really tired of that smell, it fades faster, and it's not as horrible.

i'm in fucking hell

i'm just so fucking annoyed bc the REASON she has the candle thing on is bc her room smells awful and musty, which i imagine is making HER feel sick

but bc our house is SUCH A FUCKING PIECE OF FUCKING SHIT it just pumps that HORRIBLE SMELL directly into MY ROOM. and i can't live like that.

she only has it on to get rid of a bad smell

but the way she does that is by using A WORSE SMELL

and now she's on the phone talking as loud as humanly possible in the kitchen making dinner which she's ALSO doing as loud as humanly possible

i'm in hell i'm in hell i'm in hell

i missed her and instead of being able to enjoy being around her she's making it AS AWFUL AS FUCKING POSSIBLE AS QUICKLY AND AS INTENSELY AS FUCKING POSSIBLE

[crashingwavesinmyworld]

It’s my mom, she’s the problem, it’s her. It’s not a coincidence that when she decides to stay in a hotel (to get away from me because my anxiety that’s 90% because of her is too much for her lol) this is the first day I’ve felt calm and not on the verge of a panic attack in I have no idea how long, but as soon as I get on the phone with her I feel like shit again. I literally told her “I’m allowed to be upset and call out the things you’ve said and done that have hurt me but it doesn’t mean I’m calling you a terrible person. I’m allowed to be upset about one thing but also understand your point of view (not wanting to drive back here cuz she wants to rest even though yesterday said she would take me to visit someone who works over near the hotel she’s staying at) I’m allowed to be upset because I miss the fuck out of them and haven’t seen them in months but also understand that she’s not up for it right now. When I asked if she understood any of that and if she would be able to repeat it back to me she said “no because I wasn’t listening” (after she got mad at me because I supposedly never listen to her?”) she then accused me of trying to boss her around when she’s the one who offered to do it yesterday without me even asking!!!! This is the first time I’ve brought it up since yesterday and I have no idea what else I said that was “bossy”. She also hung up on me 🙃 it’s funny cuz I just had a phone call right before that with my psychiatrist about this exact thing I wish she could have heard how my mom talks to me. Yes I was eventually shouting because I was upset and she kept interrupting me but that doesn’t mean I’m the irrational one in the situation. I suppose I should just enjoy my mom not being here for the time being but she literally made me feel so worthless and like shit and I just know when she eventually comes back it’s just gonna start all over again I can’t handle it!!!!! Oh, for some context I guess she basically has a chronic cough now (a big source of my anxiety the sound of it literally makes me sick) this has been going on sinbe last month when she was hospitalized. She’s not contagious or anything but the sound of anyone coughing triggers me so badly do that on top of everything else yeah I’ve been in hell and I know she can’t control it I don’t blame her but anyway She mostly starts coughing when she over works herself, talks for too long, or is stressed out. Well she told me earlier that she hadn’t coughed since getting to the hotel but while on the phone with me she starts coughing and made it clear that she blamed me because I stressed her out. It’s clear that my existence just makes my moms life miserable and I can’t do or say anything right. Part of me hates her for making me feel so awful pretty much every day and constantly making herself the victim but the other part of me can’t blame her because I know I’m also the problem when everyone in my life leaves me eventually because I’m too much no matter how hard I try not to be. I’m just so tired and I don’t know what to do. I feel trapped and have no options.

[h3artbrok3nn]

i already hate this year dude and its only been 3 days into it i have been stuck with the devil, lost my best friend, been getting horrible pain since december, my insomnia has drastically gotten worse, i realize how i cant open up to literally anyone anymore (besides my bf), my dad has been extremely sick, my self harm cuts are starting to show all around my body, my mom yelled at me for having no irl friends, im getting called emo every day now (i hate when people call me emo dude), im too scared to talk to people, my stepmom is slowly starting to realize shit, my 21st attempt of suicide didnt work, my stepbrother is in prison and hes the only one i really talked too, my brother wants me dead, my mom couldnt care less about me (as usual), im getting sicker and sicker everyday, my body became more weak, my anxiety has also increased, my teacher is back and hes gonna see right through me, my boyfriend might start to get annoyed by me, my hallucinations are much worse, i keep seeing demons idk- literally losing my bestfriend was like the icing on my fucked up cake- i was literally gonna bring him his late Christmas gift tomorrow today too- idk wtf im supposed to do with it now. I only have 2 irl friends now and my boyfriend. Thats all I talk to. I dont even see juanny (one of my irl best friends) much anymore. I barley talk to him and hes the one who told me that my other best friend wanted to drop me. The only reason why I see my second and last best friend now is because i have 2 classes with her but besides that, i dont see her at all

and the best friend i lost i saw everyday in the morning and during his lunch when im on my way to choir speaking of best friends, my old bff adri keeps making me do her fucking bidding and idk dude and dani's birthday is now in 10 days- shes gonna be 14 dude ive known her since she was 10 and it breaks my heart we arent friends anymore and evan is gonna be 18 next month which is crazy- ive known him since he was 14. this is already a really hard year. with everything going on with my father, and him always yelling about him killing himself and gonna die soon, it only makes me think i'll lose him. I love my dad so fucking much dude- i cannot lose him but i see only the worst coming because of all this. If my dad dies when im still in these conditons im ggonna be with my mom for the rest of my highschool years, my stepmom will be gone, i'll never see my older brothers again, nor my cousin, or my stepmoms family. I'll be stuck with that fucking thing for the next 3 years all alone in this room where it feels like im always being chained to a wall. idk whats happening anymore- nothing makes sense i wanna give up- life isnt worth living- im about to lose all my online friends too dude im gonna go back to 2019- when i was gone from the internet for like 2 years and when i came back, everything and everyone was gone im gonna be all alone again and just trapped in my mind with my hallucinations and my nightmares my mom only encourages me to kill myself, shes the worst. My stepmom is more of a mom than her and I hate her a lot of the time too but I still love her just because she was here for me when my mom wasnt. My mom doesnt know my first words, she doesnt know what things i like, she doesnt know anything much about me. She has to go through my phone and look at my conversations when Im alseep. She doesnt even give me privacy. Meanwhile my stepmom knows me, but she doesnt know my first words cause she wasnt around when i was that young since i started talking at like 9 months old but like the point is shes there to help me with school, do everything for me, be there for me, and literally everything my mom has never ever in her pathetic little preppy pick me girl life. my dad told me that my mom made him almost killl himself- if he did, i would have been an orphan. my mom only takes care of me because of the childsupport money my dad is forced to give her every month. and she tried doubling it like a little bitch because i started calling my stepmom "mom". if my dad were to have killed himself, idk what the fuck my life would have been like but it might be better without her tbh and yeah like sure my dad used to be abusive as shit but my stepmom saved me from that and everything

so hes fine now i mean he had one slip back in march, but besides that hes been okay. i'll never like new years. not only do i have to think about my grandma who was murdered when my dad was only 9, but i have to worry for my father because its like the day he wants to die the most. This was the first year not being with him on new years to cheer him up- i was so worried, and it turned out i was right for being worried. Not getting into that. This year is so rough already within the first 3 days, I hate it I HATE IT SO MUCH DUDE. im sorry idk anymore. I fucking hate this

[sleepygamerotaku]

long ass vent i don't now what tws to tag it with so read at your risk

sorry for not posting literally all day i over slept this morning and was late to school. In 5th hour i almost strangled a guy and had a panic attack because of him. i have barely eaten all day and i feel overwhelmed by everything at this point my anxiety has been through the roof lately and I have a shit ton of school work that i don't have finished and i have two F's in my classes (math and geography/social studies who would've thought) i genuinely can't remember the last time i decent night of sleep and i feel tired all day but have so much energy when it's nighttime and i could be using this energy to do my school work bUT IT'S NIGHT TIME RIGHT NOW- it's midnight I can't exactly do my school work now it's dark and i can't have my Chromebook on because it's too late i would get in trouble and there isn't enough light to do my paper assignments without using a light and waking everyone up. i have an assignment due TODAY TECHNICALLY AND I CAN'T WORK ON IT DURING CLASS AND IT WILL BE COUNTED MISSING AFTER 9 PM I PROBABLY WON'T BE ABLE TO FINISH IT IN TIME BECAUSE MY BROTHER NEEDS TO HELP ME WITH IT OR I WON'T EVEN GET ANYTHING DONE-

and if that wasn't stressful enough all of the assignments i try to complete end up being half-assed and don't have any effort and because it isn't good enough i have an existential crisis over it because it isn't exactly how i envisioned it. nothing i ever do is sufficient by anyone's standards and nowhere close to my own. i want to shut myself out from everyone and just wallow in my self pity. i feel undeserving of any and all form of attention and at this point i feel like everything would be better off if i burst into flames and never existed to begin with

i hate myself and everything i do and say and think this world is stupid and i only ever find comfort in characters who aren't real and wouldn't even care about me if they where. it's almost the second semester and i'm probably going have three f's because i'm slowly failing science too

it's not just my school work either. i used to love writing for people i have so many fanfics that aren't anywhere close to being done i haven't been able to complete my drawings in months my mom is constantly wanting me to draw her things but i never get to them and i just never have the energy to do anything anymore

my mod and dad fought so much and now their getting a divorce soon so I'll be stuck with my mom who I don't feel entirely safe with but it wouldn't be any better with my dad because hed been getting physically and verbally violent not only to my mom but me and my brother too. my brother pisses me off and i wish i could run away i'm tired of witnessing my familys constent bickering i haven't spoke with my dad in months either and i'm scared he's just going to suddenly show up again

i've been struggling to be active and i feel like i'm only gaining weight that i'm trying to lose. i don't want to eat anymore and at this point my stretch marks are mocking me. my thighs are fat and ugly and my chest is too big. my cheeks are too chubby my freckles look stupid and i'm sick of seeing nothing but eyebags and acne and ugliness when i look in the mirror i'm just so tired of everything

i don't want to admit it but i need help with everything but i just can't seem to find the strength to ask for it. it just seems like everything is falling apart all around me and i don't know what to do anymore

[rubyeditsandstuff]

this is a vent post with tw’s for abuse, child abuse, medical neglect, csa, mental health including a mention of self-harm and suicide.  it’s just me getting a lot of things off my chest. it’s gonna be long, rough to read, but i need to get this all out of me. 

I can remember getting abused from the time i was around 6-ish. Parents were, and still are, religious nutcases who firmly believed in  “spare the rod, spoil the child”  to the extreme. I would get spanked over the tiniest infraction, even at 6 years old.  If I forgot to do something, if I asked too many questions, if I was “disrespectful”, etc., I would be instructed to lean over a stool in the living room, and my dad would take either a wooden spoon or, usually, the metal handle of a flyswatter, and spank me with it all up and down my buttocks and thighs until they went stinging. I would also be told to go bring it to them, adding another element to the abuse. 

As I got older, I realized I could make the beatings hurt less by padding underwear, wearing multiple pairs if I was told that I was going to get abused. Unfortunately, my parents caught onto this. And I started being told to pull my pants and underwear down before the punishment started. These spankings happened clear up until I was about 14-15. After they stopped, the slapping started. 

My mom would slap me for just about anything. She once slapped me so hard my glasses flew off my face and hit the wall behind me. Another time, we were on the way into town to see my friends and I said something she didn’t like... so, she reached across and backhanded me across the face, then had the nerve to tell me to clean myself up and stop crying before we got there. 

My mom has depression and would bring it up a lot, and use it as an excuse for shitty behavior. But, when I started exhibiting depression/ptsd symptoms, she acted as though I was faking them, or that I didn’t deserve to be taken seriously. My symptoms got so bad, I started failing my homeschool lessons and was unable to do any school work. My mom told me that they “just didn’t know what to do with (me) anymore, “  and dropped me into a public school. I’d been homeschooled my entire life. That huge change, without any ability to adjust, worsened my depression. I couldn’t make myself get out of bed to go to school in the morning. And, instead of realizing I needed help and bringing me to a therapist, or finding a more gentle way of coaxing me... my parents took a different route. They started waking me up in the morning by ripping the blankets off of me suddenly, and hitting up and down my legs with a long, wooden rod, full force. I’d be woken up from a dead sleep like this. And it went on for a month and a half, every single school morning, until I finally threatened to kill myself if they did it, again. 

Somehow, that made them realize, and they brought me to a doctor. I was officially diagnosed with depression and anxiety. I was prescribed antidepressants... and the pills made me violently sick every time i took them. I tried to tell my mom that, and tried to explain to her that I couldn’t take them. She didn’t believe me. And, when I’d refuse to take them willingly, she would literally force them down my throat... she’d grab my hair, jerk my head back, force the pills into my mouth, then hold my mouth closed until I swallowed. I’d always end up throwing them up within an hour of taking them, which just made her angrier. 

I started self-harming as a way to cope. And I’d be guilted for it. My mom would tell me how upset it made her, and how she’d wished I’d stop. She’d shame me for it. Once, when I was heading back to my bedroom with fresh bandages on my arm, my younger brother saw them and asked what they were for. Before I could answer, my mom told him, “ignore it. She’s just doing it for the attention.” 

I was medically neglected all throughout my childhood. My older brother was extremely, violently, physically abusive, often beating me to the point I should have been taken to the hospital. There was one time he threw me up against the basement door and beat me so badly I coughed up blood. When I went to my mom and told her, she told me I must’ve done something to deserve it and sent me to bed. I remember not being able to sleep because the pain in my ribs was so bad. 

With mention of my older brother, he also sexually assaulted me from the time I was 8 years old to 14. I’m not going to go into details on this, but it was repeated and has contributed to my difficult and complicated feelings toward intimacy, now.  I finally, earlier this year, told my mom about what he’d done... she’s been pretending I never said anything since, and siding with him. 

When I was full on raped by someone just after my 18th birthday, my mom was more concerned with the fact that I wasn’t a virgin anymore than she was with the fact I’d been raped. After I started dating my now husband, I had a pregnancy scare and was exhibiting signs of an ectopic pregnancy, which is life-threatening. And my mom reacted to that news by telling me she would slap me if it turned out I was pregnant. Thankfully, it was a false alarm. 

I ended up having to live with him in my adult life, too. Our grandparents passed away and I volunteered to move into their home and look after it, at request of the rest of the family, to make sure no one broke in and that it basically stayed standing. My older brother got dumped on me there. MY parents wanted him out of their house, so they sent him to live with me there.  He proceeded to maliciously trash the home every single day. For a year and a half. I would pull all-nighters, frantically cleaning up he messes he made. For added stress, our extremely passive aggressive aunt, who apparently wanted the house to be a shrine to our grandparents --- her parents --- stopped by weekly for a visit (read: inspection). If there was a single dish out of place, she would threaten to kick us out. I worked myself into the Emergency Room on multiple occasions, overworking myself to the point of hospitalization with the amount of cleaning I had to do just to maintain a standard of livable clean. If I was away from home for more than a day at a time, it would be in such a bad state (dirty dishes, garbage, dirty laundry everywhere) that I would have to clean for hours just to get the worst of it cleaned up. All this severely worsened my physical disabilities. 

I developed severe asthma in my teen years, bad enough that I would stop being able to breathe entirely, would hyperventilate, and even pass out cold on the floor. I remember one particular instance where this happened and, as I was on the floor, curled up, fighting to get a breath in, I heard my mom coming. And she proceeded to step directly over me and walk to the bathroom.  I got severely ill in my late teen years and was bedridden for a month. I barely remember anyone checking on me. I lost 60 ibs in the span of that month. I was so skinny, my dad could put his hands around my waist and just about have his fingers touch. I was too weak to walk. I had to crawl from my bed to the kitchen or bathroom just to keep myself alive. I should’ve been admitted to the hospital. I almost starved to death in my own bed due to neglect. My body still hasn’t fully recovered from this. 

I would get weight shamed constantly. I was never large. In fact, I’d always been a standard weight for my age, but not according to my mom. She would frequently call me into her bedroom, hold up a pair of my pants, stretch it as far as it would go, then tell me “you see this? This is unacceptable. No one is going to love you unless you lose weight”.  She would comment on what I was eating, how much I was eating, too. Hearing all that constantly has resulted in a serious eating disorder, one that almost killed me. 

My dad would force me to eat bad, molding food. He took “waste not, want not” to the level of ridiculous. Once, one of my siblings left a bagel in the toaster for days, forgotten. and my dad blamed me for it, and forced me to eat it despite it being stale and starting to mold. I was then beaten for “lying” about it not being mine, even though it wasn’t. He would dig through the garbage and pull out any food that got thrown away, then read us all the riot act for it, no matter what shape the food was in when it was tossed. He would arbitrarily decide that certain foods were banned from the house on a whim... aka, he once found a piece of a poptart uneaten and went on a rant about us “always wasting food”, then forbade any of us (even my mom) from buying or eating poptarts. 

Once, when I was washing dishes, my dad poured boiling water over my hands for the crime of not listening to him. Another time I was washing them, my dad roughly grabbed my arm and jerked my away from the sink to yell at me about how I wasn’t rinsing the dishes the “right way”

A handful of years ago, I worked up the courage to ask my mom, to her face, why she thought everything she did to me growing up was acceptable. Her response was,  “well, you were a bad-difficult child, so you deserved it. You gave us no choice”. 

When I had a trauma-induced break from reality at 17 and started hallucinating and having delusions, my parents seek mental health help for me. Instead, they brought me to church to be exorcised. I’ll bet you can guess how much that helped... 

My mom actually used mental healthcare as a threat during my teen years. Anytime I started “acting up”  (aka, exhibiting signs of emerging depression, anxiety, and ptsd/cptsd), she would threaten to bring me to the local mental healthcare facility and “leave (me) there. Let them deal with (me)”. She used a similar tactic with CPS, turning the idea of help into a weapon. I was repeatedly told, all throughout my childhood, that if I ever told anyone what was happening at home, or anything about the abuse I was enduring the big, mean scary government would  “take (me) away and put you in a family that doesn’t love you. And you’ll never be able to see your friends, or (insert activity here) ever again! And they’ll take us away and punish us!! You don’t want us to get in trouble, do you?” 

[beforenightfalls]

I had zero interest in sex or dating when I lived with my parents, it also had big to do that I wasn't allowed to do anything other than going straight to school and all the way home. No in between, no weekends, no phones etc. I grew up pre social media so I wasn't having sex anyway, but everyone was like I was a slut...cause I was somehow sneaking. I'm like how....cause "like a hawk" was an understatement. But I knew better rhwn cause I read and researched not because my parents or school taught me. If I was having sex I wouldn't of told my parents/anyone or let on. Cause the like a hawk, was gonna get worse. Pretty sure mom thought I'd figure it out to do it. She died and I was still "pure" I promised myself that if I ever had kids, I'd educate them about sex and protection etc and not make them feel like imma best their ass if I find out they're having sex. Brianna Simone Jr.: @--BeforeNightFalls thats extremely toxic because you're only going to cause your kids to be secretive and sneaky. They won't feel like you're a safe place and heaven forbid they get or get someone else pregnant. You would want to know right away. A lot of us have unresolved trauma for not having a safe place with our parents. Its within our best interest to talk to our kids rather than assault them autocorrect wont let me be great. LOL.But that's how my parents were with everything, not just sex. at some point i didnt even bother making friends cause i knew i couldnt hang with them over even talk on the phone, she'd get mad when myspace came around and i lived on there but that was literally the only interaction i had with other kids my age/fun i had. It got to the point that people stopped inviting me to birthday parties or to chill cause they knew mom wouldnt let me. I have ZERO happy memories from middle school and highschool and I wanted nothing more than HS to end so I can GTFO of there But even now at almost 33 I still reel from it.I was out at 1am leaving from my Middle school's friend's house in Queens and I lived in a different borough (3 buses to get back home,  i havent seen my friend since 7th grade cause she moved outta state) recently and the later it got the more i started internally freaking out that it was gonna start an arguement with my dad, Im not outgoing and i have severe anxiety so this was a big deal for me and i was having a nice time, reconnected with another friend who knows her from HS and made a new friend, and i kept getting calls from him cussing me out and yelling at me and calling me names and blah blah because i was out so late,  i know he was concerned but he wouldnt let me talk, and i left and then my phone died so he thought i was ignoring his calls, so he left me an obscene amount of VMs and I got home and he did the same and wouldnt let it go for 2 wks. my other friend invited me to a BBQ and i didnt even go, just to avoid this happening again cause when i told him about it, he turned hard and said ''O0HHHHHH AGAIN ANTOHER ONE!? YOURE NOT GOING ANY WHERE!!'' and blah blah.I understand being considerate of him but im 32. and i have zero social skills. ok im sorry. rant. he then proceeded to tell me i was a bad daughter and a disappointment and embarrassment for about a week , which he did after the 1st party in queens and then, used the old ''im sick, when i die, youre gonna kill nme'' type of shit my mom did for the 1st 24 ys of m life that everything i do or say ''will kill her'' and whatever, meaningful not dramatic. to get me to behave.

[taestefully-in-luv]

The Island | KTH (Ten)

Summary: You’re just two strangers waking up in a room on a lonely island where a company in the business of love has placed you. They believe that thanks to their in depth research you two are destined soulmates. What happens when your ‘soulmate’ and you want nothing to do with each other but falling in love is the only way to leave?

Pairing: Taehyung x Female reader

Genre: strangers to lovers, very slight enemies to lovers, soulmates au, roommate au, slow burn, fluff, smut, angst, slight crack, and drama.

Word Count: 10k

Warnings: swearing, sexual tension (?) mentions of sex, public fingering, slow sex in the form of a flashback, making out, dirty talk, oral (male rec.)

Notes: Here’s chapter 10:) Next chapter is the chapter most of you are really anticipating hahah sorry it isn’t this one! But I hope you enjoy nonetheless. Let me know if you want to be added to the taglist, or send an ask if just want to chat about the stories!:)

Taglist: @ggukkieland @707sblog @peacedreamer14 @dopedreamfireparty @taebae19 @typicalgenzworld @mooniyooni @helenazbmrskai @justinetingball @jpeachytaev @marplest @calling-dips-on-j-hope @lecavivien @fancycollectormoon @mawwnsterr @siredsong

© taestefully-in-luv

Previous---Next

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Being really fucking nervous is actually the understatement of the century. You wish there was a better word to describe how you feel. Afraid, concerned, on edge, hesitant, jittery, jumpy, shy, tense, uneasy…you get the point. Meeting Taehyung’s parents is already a nerve wracking experience but in this situation it is even worse—you are the reason their son went into a major fucking depression for 6 months.

Taehyung has a big smile on his face though…he looks genuinely excited and not the least bit concerned. You on the other hand feel sick to your stomach, you feel like you have to gulp down literal puke every five minutes…or maybe every five seconds. Your hands are pooling with a gross amount of sweat and your stomach keeps twisting and turning.

“And my mom makes little sandwiches for us, like all the time.” Taehyung grins, he squeezes your hand in his as you two approach his parents’ house. “You ready?”

You feel the anxiety build, making you nauseas all over again.

“Sure.” You swallow down your nerves, looking up at Taehyung with worried eyes. His smile begins to fade as he observes you, he exhales a deep breath and lets go of your hand.

“Try to relax.” His hand goes to your hair, his fingers playing with it. “I wouldn’t bring you here if I thought it was going to go all wrong.” He says softly. “You have to trust me, remember?”

“Right…” you nod your head slowly. “You wouldn’t bring me to a place that people would hate me, right…” you wipe your hands on your jeans.

“y/n…” Taehyung reaches for your hand again, he intertwines his fingers with yours. “They don’t blame you.” He says under his breath. “I’m a grown ass man, I let myself go. Not you.”

“You can’t really be that naïve, Taehyung?” You breathe out, “At least one person blames me, that knows that I didn’t reach out to you—”

“I said to trust me, didn’t I?” Taehyung snaps, but he keeps his voice low. “I talked to my parents about bringing you over and they want to meet the girl from the photos. They rooted for us the entire time.” He tries to offer you a smile but you keep the frown that pulls down your lips.

“Why would they root for us…they don’t even know me.” You say quietly and Taehyung suddenly pulls you close, hugging you.

“Because they saw how happy we looked together. You saw the photos, right? You have to admit we make a cute couple.” He teases, holding you close.

“C-Couple…are we a couple?” you pull away from him slightly, you look into his dark eyes and give him a look that urges him to answer you.

“You’re asking if I’m like, your boyfriend?” he tilts his head, then he is pulling you back in, hugging you tightly. “I guess we really haven’t had that discussion yet.”

“Taehyung—”

“I want you to be my girlfriend. Will you?” He speaks lowly, his baritone voice vibrating his chest as your head is pushed up against it. “Can I introduce you as my girlfriend?” he sort of repeats and you feel your heart skip a beat—several in fact.

“You…you want me to be your girlfriend? But you won’t even kiss me?” you mumble into his chest.

Taehyung sighs out, he’s tired. Really tired of this same conversation. But he tries to be understanding of you and holds you even tighter.

“Remember we are taking it slow,” he reminds you. “But I’m yours. And you’re mine. So of course we are a couple. I’m your boyfriend…you’re my girlfriend.” He spells it out for you, “And that’s how we will introduce the other.”

You pull back from Taehyung and look into his eyes, his dark, beautiful eyes. You take a moment to let your eyes linger on his. They’re brown. But so much prettier than any other brown you’ve seen, they’re deeper. Like they hold so much mystery. You see the season of Autumn in his eyes. Like summer just ended, like the warmth of the sun still lingers. They’re the kind of eyes you can get lost in. Like you are doing right now.

“I’ll be your girlfriend.” You mumble shyly and Taehyung’s hands find your waist.

“You’re cute.” He states, “Too cute for me.” He squeezes your waist and you slowly close your eyes at how good it feels to have his hands on you.

“Don’t do that.” Taehyung warns. “I know that look.”

“I don’t know what you are talking about.” You say with your eyes still closed, his hands now lowering themselves to your hips.

“I know what you look like when you want to get fucked y/n.” he starts to massage your hips and you can’t help but let a small, small moan leave your lips.

“Fuck…” Taehyung releases a shaky breath as he watches you get worked up. “Will this relax you?” he asks, his voice low. “If I get you off?”

“W-What do you mean?” your eyes shoot open, “We’re outside your parents’ house.”

“And?” he raises a brow, his hand going to the button of your jeans, he unbuttons it with one hand. “There’s hardly anyone around here.” He slides down the zipper and you begin to frantically shake your head, trying to stop him. But you fail miserably. Apparently shaking your head wasn’t enough.

“Tae…there’s people walking.”

“Barely.” He looks around his surroundings. “You’re going to come all over my fingers, okay?”

Your eyes dart all around you but he’s right, the people are kind of far and not paying attention to you.

“Okay…” you agree breathlessly. Taehyung slips his long fingers into your pants, sliding beneath your panties and going straight for where your needy ass self wants him most. With his free hand, Taehyung pushes you against the gate of his parents’ house and covers you with his body. His fingers find your clit and he starts to rub slowly, trying to get you wetter. This goes on a for a minute or two before you are soaking his fingers in your juices then he is rubbing a bit faster, making your knees buckle.

“Ah, Taehyung…” you moan out quietly. “Stay on my clit, I can come like this.” You let him know softly, your words coming out broken as you try to breathe normally.

“Okay babe.” He circles his fingers around your clit, rubbing over and over until you’re whimpering. Your eyes shoot open though when you remember you’re in public, your eyes scan the area and when you see you are alone you slam them shut and let out a longer moan.

“Be a little quieter.” Taehyung chuckles, “Don’t want my parents to come out wondering what’s going on, now do we?” he teases you, his fingers working on your bundle of nerves faster now, with added pressure making your orgasm announce its arrival.

“I’m going to—I’m going to come.” Your head falls onto his chest, and with his other hand he reaches up for the back of your head and begins massaging your scalp.

“Come for me baby. Want you nice and relaxed.”

You’re so, so close when you notice a couple of women walking past, you try so hard to keep your orgasm at bay until they leave but being in this situation somehow pushes you over the edge. You bite down on Taehyung’s shoulder as you try to stay quiet as you come all over his fingers.

“Good, good.” He rubs your back, “Relax, relax.”

You try to calm your unsteady breaths as you recover from your high, his sticky fingers leaving your heat as he pulls them out of your pants. He immediately pushes his fingers past your panting lips and orders you to lick him clean.

“Now.” He says, waiting to feel your tongue clean him up.

Then you are buttoning your jeans back up and smoothing down your clothes and your hair. You look up at Taehyung and he grins down at you.

“Feeling better?” he asks, “By the way, the answer better be yes.” His fingers tilt your head up by the jaw, urging you to look at him more properly.

“Yes.” You say truthfully. “I just need a moment to catch my breath then we can go inside.”

“Of course.”

~

Taehyung’s parent’s house is really, really nice. Well, as far as you can tell from the outside…you two are standing outside the front door waiting to get let in. You feel your nerves come back to haunt you, making you feel nauseas all over again. Before you can get too into your head, the front door is swinging open and a beautiful woman is widening her eyes at you, then she is yelling behind her in Korean and man is rushing to the door. Taehyung’s parents.

“Ummmm…” You start gathering your courage to speak to them. “Hello. My name is y/n. Nice to meet you.” You say in your broken Korean. Taehyung whips his head in your direction and looks pleasantly shocked. A wide smile makes its way on his face as he watches you trying to communicate with his parents.

“She even speaks Korean!” Taehyung’s mother claps her hands excitedly, but you literally have no idea what she said. You only know a few things, like asking where the bathroom is, random animals and colors and saying hello and goodbye. You awkwardly nod your head though and Taehyung begins explaining to them that you in fact, do not know Korean.

“Oh, it’s okay, it’s okay.” Mrs. Kim brings her hand to her mouth as she tries to hide her growing smile. “We speak a little English…but we understand more than we speak…” she admits shyly and you can’t help but nod with a small smile.

“It’s nice to meet you.” You say, holding out your hand but she walks closer and pulls you in for a hug instead. “Thank you.” Mrs. Kim mumbles in your shoulder. “Just…thank you. Thank you for coming here…”

“Mom…” Taehyung drags out in a whine.

You feel a pang in your chest once you realize what his mother means…she’s not mad at you? But rather grateful that you finally came? This makes the guilt you previously felt worsen.

“Come in, come in!” Mr. Kim chimes, “Dinner should be ready soon.”

“y/n can help me?” His mom pulls away from you, her hands still on your arms. “Right?” She asks with a sweet smile. You nod your head and follow her inside. Taehyung grins as he watches you two walk away towards the kitchen, his dad smiles knowingly towards him and pats him on the back.

“We’re making bulgogi.” She says happily, “Have you had before?” she takes the marinated meat and starts placing pieces of meat inside the pan.

“Yes, but probably not as good at yours.” You smile. Mrs. Kim nods her head like she agrees with you then hands you the tongs to place the meat in the pan yourself.

“I am really happy…” Mrs. Kim watches you cook the meat, “And very grateful. Taehyung missed you so much…it was hard seeing him so sad.”

You take a deep breath…you probably should have guessed this conversation was coming.

“But he had the courage to go find you!” She claps her hands, “We raised him nicely, didn’t we?”

“I’m sorry…” you gulp, “I—”

“No, no. Taehyung explained everything. You had the courage to come here in the end, didn’t you? Your parents must have raised you nicely as well.” She says, her hand gesturing you to flip the meat.

“I guess so…” you turn the meat over in the pan. “Taehyung is hard to say no to.”

“He is…how do you say? Charming?” She gathers the side dishes and starts placing them on the table.

“He is.” You feel a blush creep on your cheeks. “He really is.”

Suddenly, you feel her hand on your arm. You turn your head to face Mrs. Kim and she’s looking at you with pleading eyes.

“……….” She says slowly, but you have no idea what she said. You scrunch your brows and look at her with a puzzled expression.

“You’ll learn Korean, won’t you? When you do, you will remember what I said.” She then smiles for you, letting go of your arm.

“I’ll try my best.” You say honestly. “Thank you for having me here by the way.”

“Of course, we watched the two of you through photos for 8 months…you feel like family.”

~

“She’s very pretty.” Mr. Kim tells Taehyung, “But I’m worried….no….it’s fine. This will all be fine.”

“She’s beautiful.” Taehyung smiles, “And don’t be worried…everything is going to turn out the way it’s meant to.”

“The way it’s meant to, huh?” His dad grins at him, pulling him in for a side hug. “I know you will make sure of that.”

“I don’t want anyone else.” Taehyung admits between soft breaths, “She is the one for me, I know it.”

“I remember being that sure about your mom.” Mr. Kim begins to reminisce, “I still feel that way.”

“I know.” Taehyung finally hugs his father back, both of them letting go. “You will love her too, you will get to know her and realize I have every right to be in love.”

“Oh son…we already know you are in love. We saw it even through those photos.” Mr. Kim begins walking to the kitchen, “And she’s a woman in love if I’ve ever seen it.” He chuckles, “You two will be okay.”

“You think so?” Taehyung follows his dad towards the kitchen where you and his mom are.

They walk through and see the two of you setting up the table, you both look happy and Taehyung couldn’t be more pleased.

“Smells good.” Taehyung sniffs the air around him dramatically, “Did she help mom?” Taehyung winks at you and you roll your eyes playfully.

“She cooked all the meat! Next time I will get her to make the marinate.”

“I would love to learn.”

“She would love to learn! You hear that?” Taehyung comes up to you and hugs you tightly. “I will learn with you.” He whispers in your ear and places a quick kiss to your cheek. You immediately feel yourself heat up, feeling slightly embarrassed that he would show affection in front of his parents. But they don’t seem to mind, they instead smile at one another before taking a seat at the table.

“So, we want to know all about your time on the island! Happy memories.” Mrs. Kim requests sweetly. “The photos weren’t enough for storytelling.”

“Hmm.” Taehyung stuffs his face with meat, “I was so mean to her at first.” He laughs and you hit his shoulder.

“Yeah, he didn’t even want to talk to me!” you whine.

“We said happy memories!” Mr. Kim chuckles, patting his mouth with a napkin. “What was your first kiss like?”

“Oh yes! It was probably sweet and pure. I can just see it!” Mrs. Kim chirps making you blush hella hard. Your first kiss was anything but pure.

“I don’t want to stop, Tae.” You blurt out quickly. “I want to keep going.” You flutter your eyelashes at him, “Please.” His eyes widen.

Taehyung’s hands grip at your waist and leans in again, kissing you once more. His lips find yours in desperation this time, he moves his lips against yours messily yet perfectly. His hands slide down just a bit until they’re gripping your hips, he gives them a squeeze and you squeal. So he squeezes your hips again until you’re whimpering in his mouth. He takes advantage of your parted lips, taking this opportunity to lick past them and feel your tongue with his. He presses his mouth against yours harder as your hands run down his broad chest.

You begin exploring his front side, your hands gliding from his chest to his stomach. He groans when you slide your hands down with added pressure to his lower stomach, he feels himself tense as he continues to kiss you. His tongue swirls against yours as your kissing becomes more heated and more sloppy. He wants to explore your front too, god, he wants to feel your tits in his hands so bad. So he slides his hands up until he’s groping you, your breasts being squeezed passionately by his large hands. You groan when his thumb finds your nipple through the material of your shirt and thin bra, he’s rubbing it over and over and you roll your eyes back.

“It was very sweet. Very pure.” Taehyung comments nonchalantly, sticking another piece of meat in his mouth.

“Yes, very.” You repeat with a giggle. “The island holds some very precious memories for me.” You begin, “Taehyung really became someone special, someone precious. He felt like the first real friend I had in a long, long time.”

“What are you friends like at home?” Mr. Kim asks and you feel yourself grow a little smaller, but it isn’t as bad as it used to be, you can admit.

“I don’t really have many…most of my friends were from my old job but that place was…toxic. I’m glad it’s behind me.” You say honestly. “I work a new job now and everyone seems really nice, I look forward to making new friends.”

“We hear you have an older sister! That must be nice!” Mrs. Kim reaches for a side dish, piles some on her plate. “And your parents must be so happy to have you home.”

“Ah, Ellie. She’s great.” You take a sip of your water, “She really takes care of me. And my parents were a little sad I finally moved back out and back to the city. But they’re also happy I am moving forward with my life.”

“How do they feel about you coming to Korea?”

“My mom isn’t the most supportive…but dad and Ellie are.”

“Why isn’t your mom—”

“Anyway,” Taehyung cuts off his mother, “y/n is excited about her new job and making new friends.

“Well, she can always make new friends here.” Taehyung’s mother gives both of you a knowing look. “The boys will surely like her.”

“Well, yeah…” Taehyung gets out awkwardly. “But she’s only here for a few weeks.”

“But eventually she will—”

“Mom.” Taehyung warns. “Not now.”

“Fine, fine! Anyway I prepared your photos from the island, should we show you our favorites?” She says excitedly. “There is one in particular that really just…oh my, let me just show you!” She stands from her chair and walks towards one of the counters, picking up a pile of photos.

“This one. This one is my favorite.”

It’s of you and Taehyung on the couch, you’re both laughing, leaning into one another spaces. Taehyung has got his hand on your upper thigh and your head is leaning into his chest. It looks like you two are so happy. Like you two never want to leave the island. And at the point you’re sure you never did.

“I like it too.” You say quietly. “We look so happy.”

“Yeah.” You can hear the smile in Taehyung’s voice. “Show us more.”

~

“Okay, it was nice to meet you both.” You bow your head towards his parents and they smile at one another before they look over at Taehyung.

“Taehyung…”

Then his parents are pulling him to the side and speaking to him in Korean, so you have no idea what’s being said. But Taehyung looks flushed, then he is waving them off.

“Ready to go?” he asks with a blush.

~

“Did you have a nice time?” Taehyung asks you, his hand in your hand as you two walk to the bus stop. “My parents like you.”

“Yes.” You smile shyly, “But also why wouldn’t they? I’m amazing.” You tease, trying to act more confident than you are. Maybe to trick yourself to be nicer to yourself.

“That’s right baby.” Taehyung grins down at you, “You are.”

Although things went really well…you still can’t help but feel anxious over everything. Like you are undeserving of kindness. They were so nice to you even though you’re the reason Taehyung went through a sad phase. But you are trying to accept their love even if it’s really hard.

The bus ride to the stop near his apartment only takes around 20 minutes, you feel yourself nodding off on the bus. You had a long day and the jet lag is definitely starting to take a toll on you.

“Sleepy babe?” Taehyung takes your head in his hand and guides it on his shoulder. “Sleep a little.” He kisses the top of your head and you feel yourself grow more and more sleepy.

Eventually, Taehyung is gently shaking you awake letting you know you two made it to your stop near his apartment. You both walk to his place, the night time air making you feel nice. It’s easier to breathe out here, it’s easier to trick yourself into breathing freely and feeling like you aren’t being totally suffocated.

You walk into the apartment and Taehyung decides to put on a movie. You change into some fresh panties and one of his long t shirts before you’re settling on the couch. Taehyung makes some hot chocolate for the both of you before he is pressing play on the movie.

You aren’t sure what movie this is, what it’s about or anything because you are so god damn tired. You lay down in Taehyung’s lap and eventually fall asleep.

Taehyung looks down at you and feels himself falling more and more in love. Just watching you sleep, he feels himself growing with affection for you. But it’s on his mind. What his parents said to him before you two left.

“She isn’t ready Taehyung…” His mom states plainly, “She will need a lot of time.”

“She does seem like a very good girl.” His dad adds in, “But we can tell how overwhelmed she is.”

Taehyung feels his entire face flush as he tries to gather his words.

“We are going to take it slow.” Taehyung says, “Really slow.”

“Don’t push her too much. We know how badly you want to be with her but it seems like she has some things to figure out before she can commit to you. Just remember that.”

Taehyung huffs out as he recalls their words because they’re right and he knows they are right. You aren’t ready and that’s just the truth. But he can’t give up. But he also can’t pressure you. Where is the balance? What is the balance?

He knows you are probably feeling very pressured right now, even just being in Korea. Did he make a mistake? No, he can’t think that way. He knows everything will turn out the way it’s supposed to.

Taehyung watches you sleep more than he watches the movie. He just wants you to be happy, to be comfortable. He lifts you off his body so he can lay down too, spooning you on the sofa. He decides to sleep with you tonight.

~~~~~

It’s Tuesday. Taehyung takes you around Seoul, you visit popular sites, eat good food, even do some shopping. It’s the evening now and you two are at some nice restaurant, you even have your own little room.

“Is this not a date?” You playfully ask. “Because it sure feels like one.”

Taehyung takes a moment to think before he is pouting, his bottom lip jut out so far you want to kiss it.

“It is.” He finally says, “But it’s not the first official first date like how Friday will be.”

“Jeez,” You sigh out, a small laugh leaving your lips. “How many unofficial first dates will we have?”

“A million, if we have to.” He teases, reaching over the table for a side dish. “Do you kiss on the first date, y/n?” he suddenly asks, making you blush.

“With you? I just might.” You respond back. “Do you?”

“With you? I definitely will.” He says cooly, “Just an innocent kiss though.” He looks up at you and smirks.

“Oh? Sweet and pure? Like what your parents think—”

“It was sweet and pure!” Taehyung whines, “The sweetest, purest kiss of my life.”

“Oh?” You raise a brow at him. “What the hell other kind of kisses you been having?”

“Nothing like yours baby.” He winks at you.

You playfully scoff at him, your eyes rolling to the back of your head.

“You like kissing me?” Your eyes find his again, “Tell me.”

“I love kissing you. One of my favorite activities.”

“What are your other favorite activities?” you lick your lips, his eyes fall down to them.

“They all include you but I don’t think that’s appropriate dinner conversation.”

“At least tell me one. Or maybe I can guess?” You scoot to his side of the table, your body getting closer and closer to his.

“You can guess.” He gulps as your hand lands on his thigh. “Guess.”

“I think you like when…” your hand slide up and down his upper thigh. “When I touch you.”

“You guess right.” Taehyung stares straight ahead as your hand travels up his thigh higher and higher.

“My hand is one thing, but I bet you like my lips the most?” You lean up and kiss the side of his neck.

“Y/n…” Taehyung says breathlessly. “Not here.”

“Why not?” you continue to kiss his neck, making Taehyung grow weaker with every kiss.

“I don’t deserve to be touched by you.” Taehyung whispers.

“Baby…” You kiss his neck again, “I forgive you.” You say in his ear. Taehyung slowly closes his eyes and starts to shake his head.

“You don’t. You can be upset with me however long it takes.” He says quietly but you aren’t having it. You lean back and grip his arm, urging him to look at you.

“Tae…I said I forgive you. You…I thought a lot about it and yeah, it doesn’t make me happy but also we weren’t in a place that I can actually be upset over it. I’m trying my hardest to be understanding. And I think in the end, it’s no one’s fault that you did what you did. And you said it means nothing to you—”

“Nothing! It really didn’t mean anything…” Taehyung cuts you off, his expression is troubled. He looks at you with wide, panicked eyes. “y/n…I really wish I could take it back. I regretted it so much.” His eyes begin to bubble over. “That night especially…I wasn’t myself, I was in a dark place, I missed you so much, I—”

“It’s okay, it’s okay.” Your hand reaches up to rub his shoulder. “I know, baby.” You continue to rub his shoulder as soothingly as possible, getting him to calm down.

“You really forgive me?” he asks, his voice small.

“Yes Tae.” You lean into him, wrapping an arm around his waist. “I might still be a little bitter about it but I will try my best not to be. But overall, I forgive you. I know you regret it. I know the one you love is me…”

“Yes!” Taehyung basically shouts, “You’re the only one I love, I promise you.”

“I believe you.” You say, hugging him close. “This can be one thing we cross off our problems list.” You laugh. “I don’t want this to be a problem anymore.”

“Really baby?” He slips his arm over your shoulder, hugging you back.

“You deserve to be touched by me, Tae. Me and me only though.” You can’t help but chuckle.

“When we get home,” he breathes out, “I will let you touch me.”

“Okay.” You lean your head on his shoulder. “I can’t wait.”

~

“Fuck.” Taehyung groans. His hands go to your hair, he pulls at it making you moan all around his dick.

“You are art.” He grits out. Your tongue swirls over his tip before you take his cock further and further in your mouth. You have drool escaping the corner of your lips, your eyes are fogged up with lust and your cheeks are painted a lovely shade of pink. You truly do look like art.

“Take your time baby.” Taehyung moans, “We have all night.” You slowly lick up his length, getting it nice and wet. He moans for you, the low guttural sounds going straight to your pussy. You’ve missed this, missed him, missed his cock. Having him squirming beneath you feels so good as you make him feel amazing.

“I love your mouth…feels so good.” He watches as you bob your head up and down rather slowly. You suck his cock so well it makes him dizzy.

“You know how to make me feel good.” He finally closes his eyes as he just focuses on the feeling you give him. He focuses on your hands on his member, on his balls, he focuses on your tongue and how it licks him over and over. He focuses on your sounds, how you choke on his cock, how you moan for him.

Taehyung hates how close he is. But he hasn’t felt this amazing in months and months. He wishes he could have your lips wrapped around his cock for hours and hours, but he is losing control. He starts thrusting his hips upwards, desperate for more.

“Can I come down your throat? Will you swallow for me?” He pants.

You only moan around his length, the vibrations sending him over the edge. He feels himself go tense as he shoots his cum down your throat. You continue to fondle his balls, and suck on his tip as he finishes.

Taehyung whines out, throwing his head back as he comes down from his high. You swallow all his cum like you agreed to, the flavor lingering in your mouth. Tastes like him, tastes so good.

“Fuck, fuck, fuck.” Taehyung moans, “How are you this good?”

“Let’s just say I was made for you.” You crawl up his body, Taehyung pulls you up by the arms and lays you down on his chest.

“You are, you definitely are.” He whispers, kissing the top of your head. “No one has ever made me feel like the way you do.”

“No one?”

“Just you my love.”

Explosions. Like, maybe something like fireworks go off in your chest. His new pet name for you makes you feel warm as fuck, and giddy too.

“I’m your love?” You try to pull your lips down, hiding this obvious smile.

“Of course, you are. Love of my life.” He states in a whisper. “I can’t see myself with anyone but you.”

“The feeling is mutual.” You respond sweetly. “The feeling is mutual.”

~~~~~

It’s Wednesday. You and Taehyung are just relaxing in his apartment today…you two plan on ordering take out for dinner and watching shows, playing games and just enjoying one another’s company.

“This feels a lot like one of our days on the island.” You say, leaning your head against Taehyung’s shoulder.

“Yeah, it does.”

For the first time, things feel like they never changed. You feel at home with Taehyung, you feel like everything is right, everything is perfect.

“Even being here on this sofa reminds me…”

The slow drag of Taehyung’s cock is enough for your vision to become blurry, almost like you are drunk. The couch isn’t the most comfortable place to have sex but you both were so fucking needy for the other…you don’t even care about being watched. Not even for a moment as intimate as this.

Taehyung brings his hands to either side of you and starts rolling his hips into you deeper and deeper, your eyes roll so far back into your head that all you can see is the whites. His cock reaches places you didn’t even know about, you never knew cock alone would make you feel this fucking good.

Dreamy. That’s you would describe this moment. His length brushes against you in ways that make “seeing stars” like a child’s phrase. You’re beyond seeing stars, you are seeing whole galaxies. The universe is in your eyes with the way he makes you feel.

Taehyung’s chest falls to your chest, his lips on your lips as he continues to grind his hips into yours in the most slow, sensual fucking of your life. Can this even be called fucking? This might be called making love.

You shake your head, trying to rid yourself of your steamy thoughts. Your whole face is red as you push back that memory. Taehyung knows though. He sees right through you.

“You’re thinking about the slow fuck, aren’t you?” He winks down at you. “When I fuck you again, it’ll be like that. But even better.”

“When?”

“When I just can’t take it.” He admits, “I have very little control left though.”

“I know it will be amazing.” You sigh out, “I can’t wait to feel that close with you again.” You murmur shyly, “Whenever you’re ready.”

“The more I look at you, the more I feel ready.” He says softly, making your heart skip a few beats.

~~~~

Thursday. You had a few days to gather courage but today you are feeling anxious all over again. You have already thrown up twice.

“Baby we can cancel.”

Today you are meeting Taehyung’s friends. Tonight, technically. But it’s only an hour before your meeting time and you are so overly anxious that you are physically sick.

“No, no.” You wave him off, “I’m just being a baby.”

“They’re the ones who said I should bring you back to Korea. No one is going to be mean to you, no one is going to make you feel unwelcome…well…no, no it’ll be fine.” Taehyung rubs your back.

“I know, I know.”

You were once not like this. But after everything that happened with your ex, with your old job and so on, you have become a nervous person. You know this is something you have to work through…

“But if it’s too much, we can cancel.” Taehyung offers again, you just shake your head and smile. He’s so loving, so supportive. What did you do to deserve someone as amazing as him? “No, I need to finish getting ready though.” You rise from the couch, “Will you help me pick something to wear?”

“You packed that green, flowy dress right?” Taehyung grins, “I love that dress on you. Wear that.”

“I was going to wear that tomorrow…for our date…”

“What about that new dress you bought on Tuesday? The red one?”

“Oh that’ll be a better date dress. Hm, okay. Green one tonight then.”

You walk into Taehyung’s bedroom, and take out the green dress. You slip it on over your body and examine yourself in the mirror, you look nice, you will admit.

“Beautiful.” Taehyung comes up behind you, circling his arms around your waist, pulling you into his chest. “So beautiful.” He then kisses the side of your neck, his eyes never leaving yours in the mirror. “I can’t wait to show you off tonight.”

His hands begin massaging your hips, you slowly close your eyes from how good it feels. You grind yourself into Taehyung’s crotch and he immediately groans out.

“We have to leave soon.” Taehyung warns. “Don’t make me get you off.”

“Why can’t we both get off?” You whine, “Just fuck me already.” You continue throwing your ass back into his crotch.

“I think soon but not right now.” He smiles. His hands continue to massage you, he rolls your hips with the guidance of his hands. “Are you almost ready?”

“Hm. Yes.” You open your eyes and make contact with him in the mirror, “I’m really nervous, to be honest.”

“What can I do or say to make you feel comfortable?” Taehyung hugs you close.

“I don’t know…”

“I’ll try anyway.” He laughs, shoving his face in the crook of your neck. “You are amazing, you are funny, you’re fun to be around, you’re adorable, you’re sexy, my friends are going to love you! They are all so excited, I promise.”

“Okay, okay.” You giggle. “I’ll just have to believe you.”

“That’s all I ask.”

You both stare at one another in the mirror for a while, you feel like every moment that passes with his eyes on yours you are falling in love all over again. The time on the island counts but this is real life, this is reality. You have to learn to live with the fact that the island was just one part of your relationship. That this new phase is something worth working on.

“I love you Taehyung.”

Taehyung blinks at you in the reflection, he looks genuinely surprised by your words. He turns you around in his grasp, your face now facing him, just inches away.

“Tell me again.” He says softly. “Tell me you love me again.”

“I love you.” You repeat in a daze, your mind starting to fog up with affection for Taehyung.

“How much do you love me?”

“Enough that I will do anything if it means we will be happy together.”

“I love you too.” Taehyung whispers, pulling you closer to him. He tilts his head to the side as he leans into your space. His words hit your lips softly and you feel yourself melting, melting so much that Taehyung has to basically hold you up.

“How much do you love me?” You ask, a slight teasing tone. Your eyes half lidded as you stare up at him.

“Enough that I can’t wait until our first date.”

“Can’t wait for wh—”

Suddenly, Taehyung’s lips crash into your lips. He kisses you long and deep. His lips staying on yours for a life time, you feel your knees give out on you. Taehyung holds your body up as you finally start to kiss him back. Your lips move against his slowly, tenderly, with so much feeling, so much passion.

Your arms wrap around his neck as you push yourself closer to him, your chest coming flush against his. He starts to move his lips against yours a little harder now, a little more desperately, a little more with fire. Taehyung surprises you with the long, dragged out moan that leaves him as he kisses you. Like, this is the first time he has ever kissed you. Like, he has been waiting a life time to kiss you.

His lips part for you and you take the hint to slide your tongue between his lips, finding his tongue tangling with yours immediately. His hands explore your body frantically, they grip you in every place you could want him. Your lips, your tongue, everything tastes so sweet. He can die a happy man after finally kissing you.

You aren’t sure how much time has passed but Taehyung’s ringing phone indicates that maybe you two are late. Taehyung pulls away from you, his erratic breathing hard to calm. He reaches for his phone and answers it.

“Hello? Uh huh…okay….sorry, sorry. We will be there in a bit.’

You smooth down your hair in the mirror and fix your make up a little bit, then you turn around to face Taehyung again.

“Who was that?” you ask.

“It was Jimin, him and Namjoon are already there. We should get going.” He pulls you in and places a quick peck to your lips. “You ready?”

“Yes. How do I look?”

~~~~

“Gorgeous! You look so gorgeous!” Jimin gushes, he holds you at arm’s length and you look at Taehyung with confused eyes.

“Umm, thank you. You look…gorgeous too.” You admit shyly…well, he does. You didn’t think Jimin would be this beautiful!

“Oh my god, me? Thank you!” Jimin goes in to hug you again, “I thought you were so pretty but pictures do not do you justice girl.”

“Oh my god…thank you…” You laugh, “I knew I looked bad in some of those pics.” You joke.

“Wait that’s not what I meant!” Jimin can’t help but pout…”I meant—”

“Okay, okay,” Namjoon steps between you two, “I’m Namjoon, by the way. I’m not sure Jimin here was ever going to give me the opportunity to introduce myself.” He chuckles. You shake his hand and he grins at you.

“It’s so nice to meet y—”

“y/n!” You hear your name being called but you don’t recognize the voice, you glance over your shoulder to see two new bodies walking towards you.

“Hi—” But before you can continue talking you are being engulfed in a hug by one of the men.

“I’m Hobi!” he laughs into your shoulder, “I’m so happy to meet you!”

“Oooh.” You nod your head in understanding, you glance at the other man who just give you a small wave of the hand.

“I’m Yoongi.” He says with a smile. “We are uh, your new friends.” He looks down at the floor, his gummy smile not going unnoticed by you.

“Hi, nice to meet you both.” You feel yourself smiling, you feel your heart glowing. Everyone is being so nice, it’s refreshing.

“Okay, stop hugging her Hobi…” Taehyung deadpans. “Where’s Jin and Jungkook?”

“They were right behind us…” Yoongi comments, “They probably got caught up talking to someone on the way in.”

“Well, you know Jungkook. Probably a girl.” Jimin teases, “So should we grab a table?”

You all search for two tables and put them together, so you all have a place to sit. It’s around 9pm. So the bar is starting to get crowded, but it feels fun.

“What are you drinking baby?” Taehyung leans into you, “Want a mixed drink?”

“Yeah, surprise me.” You nod, “Something strong though.” You wink up at Taehyung and he grins down at you.

“Okay.” He leans in and finds your lips. You kiss him back quickly, feeling slightly embarrassed.

“You guys are so cute.” Jimin practically drools, “This is the first time we are seeing Taehyungie happy again.”

Guilt. But you’re trying, you are desperately trying to move past that feeling.

“It’s the first time since the island that I am this happy too.” You admit to Jimin. He leans into your space and smiles at you.

“You’re going to make Taehyung so happy, aren’t you?”

“I’ll try my best.” You giggle.

Taehyung comes back with two drinks, he hands one to you and you immediately gulp it back.

“Well, hello there friends.” A new voice. You look up to see who you assume is Jin and Jungkook.

“I am Jin, your new best friend.” He shakes your hand and you laugh. “This is Jungkook…” he gestures towards the other boy. Jin looks very happy to see you while….Jungkook does not, to put it simply.

“Hi Jungkook.” You wave at him and he only narrows his eyes at you, scoffs and looks away.

“Oh?” You raise a brow…finally, someone who is treating you the way you feel you deserve. Somehow this amuses you.

“Jungkook doesn’t want to be my new best friend?” You tease. You glance at Taehyung who looks tense but he immediately relaxes when he notices you taking this …rather well.

“Why?” Jungkook spits out, “So you can ghost me for 6 months?”

Ouch. But a well-deserved sting.

“Okay,” Taehyung stands to his feet and takes Jungkook by the arm and drags him off to the side so they can talk.

You watch, still amused. You don’t feel hurt by this…Jungkook is just being a good friend. Not that the others aren’t good friends but to be honest you expected this from at least one of them.

“If he doesn’t behave, just report to me and I’ll scold him.” Jin says playfully, “And if Taehyung does anything weird, you let me know and I will set him straight too.”

“I don’t like scolding Taehyungie…” Yoongi begins, “But I’ll do it.”

“Don’t count on me, everything Taehyung does is perfect in my eyes.” Jimin laughs, “I’m joking, I’m joking—”

“We aren’t so sure you are.” Namjoon cuts in. “But really y/n…this is the most we have seen Taehyung smile. It’s thanks to you.”

“It’s also my fault he….” Your eyes go to Taehyung who is still scolding Jungkook. “He—”

“It’s no ones fault!” Jimin claps his hands together. “Everything happened the way it did and now we can all move forward. Especially you y/n.” Jimin gives you a sweet smile, “Guilt is an ugly feeling. I would hate for you to be eaten alive by it when you don’t have to be.”

You feel your eyes sting with tears…you didn’t realize you needed an almost stranger tell you something like that…he’s a new friend right? You can call him a friend?

“Jimin…” You sniffle and he starts laughing loudly.

“Oh! Don’t get sad!” He leans in to hug you. “Let’s only make happy memories, okay?”

“The happiest.” Jin chimes in, “We’re all your friends now…and Jungkook will give in eventually.”

“Don’t worry too much about Jungkook…” Yoongi smiles, “He’s sort of the brat around here. You’ll get used to it.”

At this you laugh, you have heard stories. He is the youngest, after all.

“I’m not too concerned.” You admit under a few soft breaths, “It kind of feels good…getting what I deserve.”

“What are you? A Masochist?” Jimin frowns, “You deserve to be happy.”

“And I am…or, I will be. I’m getting there.”

“Okay, we are back!” Taehyung announces his and Jungkook’s presence. “And we are happy to be here, aren’t we Jungkook?” He says with his hand on the back of Jungkook’s neck.

“Totally.” Jungkook rolls his eyes. “Super happy to be here. Hi y/n.” he mutters underneath his breath. It’s cute actually.

“Hi Jungkook.” You giggle. “Want to take a shot with me?” you offer, standing up. Jungkook pinches his brows together then points to himself.

“With me?” he asks, clearly shocked.

“Yes, you.” You nod your head in the direction of the bar, “Coming?”

Taehyung looks over at you, also confused. But you just give him a smile that lets him know it’s okay.

“Sure…” Jungkook shrugs Taehyung off him, “If you’re buying.”

“What a brat.” Jimin laughs. “You should be buying her the drink, not the other way around.”

“No, no. I offered, I’ll buy.” You wink. You start walking towards the bar and Jungkook follows behind you.

You both walk up to the bar and you ask him to order for you, which he does. You both get handed two shots of some liquor and you raise your glass to clink it with his.

He eyes you curiously, wondering what your aim is here.

“Were you ever going to talk to him?” Jungkook finally says something.

“Taehyung believes I was going to…so yes. If he believes it then so do I.” you take your shot and Jungkook follows.

“I don’t like you.” Jungkook states plainly, “You made Taehyung really sad…”

“I know. I don’t think I like myself much either right now. But Jimin made me feel a little better…”

“Jimin will do that.” Jungkook sighs out. “But I still don’t like you.”

“You’re very cute Jungkook.” You reach up and ruffle his hair, you laugh out loud when you notice how red he has become. “You’re a good friend.”

“I-I-I…” He stutters out, feeling his blush hit him hard. “Whatever.” He looks off to the side. “Are you ready to go back or what?” he grumbles shyly.

You nod your head and you both walk back to your tables, Taehyung gives you a look of concern before you are smiling at him. A real life smile. And he relaxes.

“Hey baby.” He says, pulling out your chair for you to sit. “You didn’t grab another drink while you are up?” he asks, “I’ll go.” He stands, placing a kiss on your cheek and you nod gratefully.

“So what are we talking about?” You glance around the boys, “Anything interesting?”

“y/n! This is perfect, we can get a girls perspective.” Hobi smiles at you, “Yoongi has this girl he likes, right?” At this Yoongi groans, throwing his head back in annoyance. “But he won’t ask her out!”

“And how can I help?” You laugh.

“Well,” Jimin joins in, “We don’t know how this girl feels. So listen, listen.” Jimin puts a hand on your shoulder as he speaks, “She kissed him one time but hasn’t initiated anything since!”

“Oh…” you give Yoongi a look of pity and he starts laughing.

“I knew it.” Yoongi slaps his knee, “She isn’t into me guys.”

“Didn’t I say that?” Jin asks and Namjoon swats his arm. “What? It’s true. She is kissing on random guys all the time, I think you just happened to be one of them.”

“No!” Hobi cuts in, “Listen to this though! She asked for him last weekend, wondering where he was at…like, she missed his attention or whatever.”

“His attention or him?” you ask with a pointed look.

“Exactly.” Namjoon says, “We have to be sure if its him she wants and not his lips.” He starts making kissy faces and you all start laughing.

“Well, if she out tonight?” you ask, “Maybe I need to watch your interactions with her to be sure.”

“Wow, you can be a wing woman.” Hobi says with stars in his eyes.

“Oh my god yes a wing woman.” Jimin says with stars in his eyes as well.

“I’m not saying I will be much help!” You giggle, but the boys wave you off, still excited about having a wing woman.

“You’ll really help y/n?” Yoongi asks quietly. “You don’t have to.”

“Of course I’ll help…well, to the best of my abilities.”

“What did I miss?” Taehyung comes to the table, setting your drinks down. He takes a seat next to you.

“y/n is apparently all of our wing woman now.” Jungkook says nonchalantly.

“Psshh, like you need a wing woman.” Jimin teases, “You get girls just by being in the same room as them.”

“Stop trying to make my girlfriend do work when she just got here.” Taehyung pouts, “Don’t overwhelm her.”

“No, it’s nice.” You admit with a blush. “Feels like I have friends.” You say as quietly as possible to where only Taehyung can catch what you are saying. “We are your friends.” You hear Jimin whisper to you as he leans into your space. “Don’t ever doubt that.” Oh. You guess with Jimin next to you he was bound to hear.

“Thanks Jimin…”

Hours and hours pass, drinks are going down like crazy. Everyone is having so much fun it is ridiculous. You haven’t laughed this much probably ever in your life!

You feel yourself growing closer and closer with the boys, especially now that you are all drunk.

“Oh my god, I fucking love you!” Jimin laughs with his whole body, he practically falls out of his chair. “You told him his painting of you looked like a frog!” he snorts.

“Someone had to be honest about his human portraits, I suppose.” Namjoon laughs as well. “But a frog? You’re savage.”

“I thought his painting of the 7 of us was really….special.” Yoongi adds, “But I wouldn’t say we looked like frogs.”

“Oh, he made me look like a god damn frog.” You giggle. “I told him to burn it.”

“And did he?” Hobi asks.

“No, we kept it for the memories…” Then your face lights up. “By the way Tae…”

“Hm?” Taehyung smiles for you, “What is it?”

“Do you have the painting? They left us with a box of stuff right? Things from the island but I didn’t have the painting,”

“Yeah, I have it.” He nibbles on his bottom lip, “Maybe one day when we live together we can put it up…and then one you did of me as well.” He slurs.

“One day.” You grin.

“Oh my god, y/n.” Jimin whines, “You have to move here!”

The rest of the boys start clapping and agreeing, nodding their heads along.

“Wouldn’t that be a culture shock?” Jungkook speaks up, “She doesn’t even speak Korean.”

“Yeah, it would be.” You admit shyly. “But there’s time to think about all of that.”

Taehyung reaches for your hand and squeezes it.

“Yeah.” He agrees.

Jimin slumps his shoulders but smiles for you both anyway. Hobi stands up and offers his hand to you, you look at him quizzically.

“Want to dance?” He asks, “All of us of course, but you’re the lady. So I asked formerly. I don’t know I’m drunk.”

You can’t help but chuckle.

“Yes, let’s all dance!”

You all head to the dance floor, the music is loud and drowning out any and all worries you had about tonight.

“Having fun?” Taehyung brings you in, your back against his chest as he whispers in your ear.

“Time of my life.” You slur out honestly. “I can’t thank you enough for…”

“For what baby?”

“For showing me your world.”

“It can be our world…” He places a kiss on your neck. “One day.”

“I want any world as long as you are in it.” You say breathlessly. “I like your friends a lot.” You tell him and he grins into your neck.

“They’re the best and they will treat you right.” He breathes you in, “I trust them with my life, they’re like brothers.”

“I can tell. They’re a good group of dudes.”

“I can tell they like you too.” He sighs into your hair, “But I like you the most.”

You grind your ass into his crotch in beat with the music, his hands travel all over the front of your body. You two dance like this for a while when a feminine voice cuts through the sound of the music. You and Taehyung both snap your heads in the direction of the voice when you see a girl standing here, her hands on her hips and a look of disappointment on her face.

“Taehyung?” She says, his name sounds wrong on her tongue. This can only be who you think it is.

“Oh hey.” Taehyung awkwardly smiles, “What’s up?”

“Who’s this?” she asks, looking in your direction but she doesn’t look at you directly.

You don’t want to feel intimidated but it’s her. It’s Hana. She is even prettier in person. She’s got two friends with her, but they are talking to the boys.

“This is—”

“I’m y/n.” you say as confidently as possible.

“My girlfriend.” Taehyung says, he reaches for your hand and squeezes it. “y/n this is Hana.”

“Oh, nice to meet you.” You smile, and she scoffs. Fucking scoffs.

“………..” she says in Taehyung’s direction but you have no idea what she said since it was in Korean.

You stand here awkwardly, swaying from side to side as Taehyung talks to her…you wish you knew what they were saying. But you’re almost too drunk to care.

“Excuse us!” you smile, with Taehyung’s hand in yours you drag him to the bar leaving Hana behind.

“y/n.” Taehyung sighs out, “She was just—”

“Huh? It’s fine, Tae. I just wanted a drink and to be spending less time with her and more time with you.”

Taehyung can’t help the smirk that his lips curve into. He grabs you by the hips, pulls you in for a hug then leans away to look at you.

“You’re so fucking sexy.” He says before leaning in to kiss you. His tongue prodding its way into your mouth, you moan out loud and swirl your tongue with his. Your kisses are rushed, sloppy and messy. And drunken as fuck.

“You guys are so hot.” Jimin whines as he walk up to you two, ordering his own drink.

You pull away from Taehyung and start laughing.

“Get two more of what you just got.” Taehyung smiles, “On me.”

“Oh hell yeah.” Jimin cheers. Then he is ordering two more drinks as Taehyung slides his card over the bar top.

“I saw you guys talking to Hana…” Jimin whispers to you, “How was that?”

“Don’t care.” You shrug, “She didn’t look very happy to see me though.”

“She was hopeful…” Jimin admits, “That she could get Taehyung to fall in love with her. She had been trying for a long time…then he disappears for 8 months and is in love with someone else. She tried to be understanding but it was still hard on her.”

“But it doesn’t matter,” Taehyung butts in with the drinks, “Because I told her you’re my girlfriend and the one I love so…”

“I know, Tae.” You smile, “I may not understand Korean but I got that much.” You laugh.

Jimin joins you in your giggles as he chugs the entire drink in one go.

“y/n!!” Yoongi stumbles over, “She’s here! She’s here! I need you my wing woman!”

Your eyes crinkle from how hard you are cheesing. You lean up to kiss Taehyung on the lips before walking towards Yoongi and following him to wherever he’s hanging out.

It’s a perfect night so far.

~

“Hold my hand.” Taehyung slurs with a pout on his lips. “Want to feel you, want to touch you, want to fu—”

“Want to what now?” You laugh into your palm, as you reach for Taehyung’s hand. He holds you close to him as you two walk back to his apartment, his body swaying into yours and yours into his.

“Fuck…I want to fuck you.” He whispers in your ear before he bursts out laughing for no drunken reason.

“I’d let you baby. But sober you would be mad at drunk you.” You slur out yourself, “I know how important waiting is for you.”

“You don’t get it…I don’t want to wait anymore.”

“You’re just drunk.”

“I am drunk but babe, I’m serious.” He tries to give you a straight face. “I feel overwhelmed with love for you.”

You feel your heart doing flips in your chest, you feel butterflies in your stomach and you feel your head going dizzy with affection.

“Really?”

“It went really well tonight.” Taehyung says, “So well that I have decided you are definitely my perfect match and that company did me the biggest favor because how else would I have met you?”

Usually the mention of the company would make you sad or anxious but somehow you feel grateful too.

“Tae…” you squeeze his hand, “My soulmate.” You bump your shoulder into his side.

“We are fucking soulmates.” He says, then he yells it out for the whole street to hear then he’s laughing deeply.

“Fucking soulmates.” He repeats just loud enough for only you to hear.

You two finally get to his apartment, you stumble in and plop yourselves down on the couch. Taehyung pulls you into his lap and starts kissing your neck, your collarbone, you shoulder. His lips devouring every free piece of skin he can find.

“Taehyung…” you moan, “Let’s wait until we are sober.” You breathe out roughly.

Taehyung continues kissing your skin and hums an ‘okay’. He lifts himself off you and gazes into your eyes.

“I will stay awake until I sober up. Until you sober up. Then I am going to make love to you. I am going to fuck you with so much fucking love you will be coming all around my cock time after time. You ready for that baby? You ready to have my cock coming inside you?”

You can’t help but gulp as you blink at him, then you are slowly nodding your head.

“Then let’s drink some water and make out until this room is no longer spinning. We aren’t sleeping tonight.” Taehyung warns in a deep, deep voice.

“We’re really staying awake until we sober up?” you laugh. “Aren’t you afraid we will fall asleep?”

“Baby, knowing that I get to fuck you in a few hours is all the motivation I need to stay awake. I believe you are the same. I know you are desperate for my cock. Desperate for me.”

And you are, you fucking are.