[continued from here] [first post for October 18th]
Akhiko can’t remember a single time when the silence between them felt so awkward.
Tense, sure– especially recently. But never like this.
Akihiko wonders if Shinji can tell just how frustrated he’s getting. Probably; they’ve always been able to read each other pretty well, Shinji especially– with the uncanny talent of getting even better at it whenever Akihiko particularly doesn’t want to be read.
Dammit, this is not how he’d wanted this to go. This isn’t how he wants to feel while talking to Shinji after facing the uncertainty of whether he’d ever get the chance to again. Why the hell is it happening this way? Why can’t things just make sense?
With all the knowledge Akihiko has now, things feel too different. The fact that Shinji had kept quiet about all of it just makes it even worse, and he doesn’t even have the decency to be apologetic about it. It’s like he doesn’t even care that he could still drop dead at any given moment, despite all they’ve been through. Like it doesn’t matter to him at all what that would do to the rest of the team, to Mitsuru, to Akihiko–
It’s ridiculous. It’s infuriating.
Akihiko takes a deep breath in and out through his nose in a way he hopes is subtle enough to go unnoticed. He needs to change the topic again.
Akihiko groans. Of course. Of course that’s the first thing Shinji remembers. Why on earth should he have expected his luck to be any less terrible than that? As if he didn’t feel shitty enough.
He doesn’t sound sorry in the least. Fresh, caustic heat flares in Akihiko’s chest. The last thread of his self-control is getting more and more taut and frayed, and one stray spark really will make it snap. He can’t hide how high his temper is rising anymore, even if he could still be bothered to.
One stray spark. Akihiko surges up to stand, fists clenched at his sides and shaking with fury.
Shinji blinks at him, slack-jawed and stunned, and Akihiko is torn between an ugly sort of satisfaction and feeling even more infuriated, because how the hell could any of this come as a shock to him? Isn’t this exactly what Shinji’s been goading him on to since the moment Akihiko walked through the door this morning?
Since long, long before then– Shinji’s been pushing and prodding and herding him towards this cliff since the moment he walked out of the dorm with no intention of ever coming back, and now he has the audacity to act surprised that Akihiko’s gone over the edge?
“What do you think would’ve happened if Amada had actually killed you, huh? Did you really think he’d be just fine after that? Did you think that would’ve solved anything? That it would be anything other than taking the easy way out?
“I never would have thought you could be that much of a coward,” Akihiko sneers, venomous. Poison for poison, repaying what Shinji had spat out like a cobra a month ago. Shinji winces and looks away, but he remains silent.
Good, because Akihiko isn’t nearly finished. “And did you even stop to think for one second about the people who give a shit about you? About what it would do to us if you just went off and died without saying a word?!”
“Aki–” Something odd has crept into Shinji’s expression, but Akihiko steamrolls over it, too caught up in his own vehement momentum to spare a thought for curious inconsistencies. Blood roars in his ears and his throat singes and stings.
“What would I have told Miki if you went out like that? Were you fine with breaking your promise to her too? Is that it?!”
“Aki.”
“Because you’ve gotten so good at that, haven’t you? Going back on your word, leaving people behind–”
“Aki.”
Shinji barely raises his voice, but it still cuts right through Akihiko’s even though he’s practically shouting at this point. It’s only now that it dawns on Akihiko how loud he was being. Just like that, all of his anger snuffs out, so suddenly that it leaves him dizzy and cold.
Dizzy, and cold, and ill– every malignant word of his tirade echoes punishingly around his skull. The blood drains from his face.
“I– Shinji, I’m–” His voice has gone thin and shivery. “I’m sorry. I didn’t–”
“Don’t be sorry,” Shinji replies quietly, not looking at him. “The only reason I stopped you was ‘cause I don’t want them to kick you out.”
Akihiko can hardly wrap his head around what Shinji’s saying. He has every right to want to get rid of Akihiko by any means necessary after all of that. He should want to, why wouldn’t he want to–
God, and for him to bring Miki into it? Akihiko’s never felt so ashamed in his life. Using her memory as a weapon– what kind of person does that?
Akihiko wants to tear into his hair in frustration– at Shinji, at himself, at everything. He wants to climb right out of his skin. “I shouldn’t have said any of–”
“Yeah, you should have.” Shinji locks his gaze pointedly to Akihiko’s. “You needed to say it, and–” His eyes slide away again. “...and I think I needed to hear it.”
Akihiko collapses back into the chair, slumping forward over his knees. “Why aren’t you angry?” The question is pleading, almost desperate.” I– I was awful to you just now.”
“You weren’t wrong, though. Not like I didn’t earn pretty much all of it.” Shinji laughs– laughs– and Akihiko feels like he’s going to be sick. “‘Sides, it…sounded like that’s been building up for a while.”
What is he supposed to say? What can he say?
Nothing. That’d be best.
He’s already said enough.
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