#louise gives me life on levels i NEVER thought existed

[hardly-an-escape]

sola fide | Buck/Tommy | 1170 words | rated T

tags: Evan Buckley character study, sick fic, mentions of religion, dirty jokes, established relationship, lgbtq identity

“Hey, uh, Tommy?”

“Yeah?”

“Can I ask you kind of a dumb question?”

“Of course.”

They’re posted up on Tommy’s couch, both with a weekend off at the same time for once. They’d planned to get out of the city, go for a long hike, maybe hit a winery somewhere. But Tommy’s been nursing a cold, so they’re taking it easy instead, and Buck likes that just as much as their adventures. So he’d made chicken noodle soup from scratch and brought over ginger ale and some of the violently red popsicles Tommy kept secretly stashed in the back of the freezer.

Buck’s quiet for another moment, gathering his thoughts.

“When did you know? That you were gay?” he says eventually.

Tommy looks up from the monster truck magazine he’s been leafing through.

“I don’t know that I can point to one particular moment,” he says, thoughtful. “On some level it was something I always knew about myself, even if I didn’t have the language to describe it yet. I guess… hitting puberty was kind of an awakening. Hearing other guys talk about girls we knew, or women in magazines, and realizing I just didn’t connect with what they were saying, like, at all. I guess there’s the fact that the first wet dream I had was about Brad Pitt in Thelma and Louise.” He snorts. “That was a pretty big clue.”

Buck smiles, but it doesn’t quite reach his eyes. He realizes he’s twisting his fingers together in his lap and untangles them, rubs self-consciously at the tops of his thighs.

Tommy tosses his magazine onto the coffee table and takes one of Buck’s hands in his own, rubbing gently at the muscle between his thumb and forefinger. “What makes you ask?” he says gently.

“I dunno. I just.” Buck sighs. “I guess I’ve been feeling weird about it lately. Not – not this,” he adds hastily, “not us, not even a little. This is seriously one of the best things that has ever happened to me – you are one of the best things that’s ever happened to me, Tommy, I mean that.”

Tommy gives him a sweet little smile, one of the ones that’s just for him, and squeezes his hand.

“I just mean… this feels like such a big thing t-to not know about myself. You know, how did I make it into my thirties before it ever occurred to me, oh, you like guys, you might fall in love with a guy.” His voice rises in pitch a little as he picks up speed. “It makes me feel stupid, and – and out of touch with my own self. Like, what else is really obvious about myself that I haven’t realized yet, you know? Am I actually left handed? Am I secretly an Olympic gymnast? Am I some kind of Russian sleeper agent?”

Tommy squeezes his hand again. “I don't think it's that absurd to come to an important realization about yourself in your thirties, sweetheart,” he says. “I think that's a pretty normal thing, actually.”

Buck deflates a little. “Yeah. I know. I just... I've told you about my brother. That whole situation. Not knowing why I was born, never knowing that he even existed. I think all of this –” he gestures between them “– in a way it kind of reminds me of that? Like, here you go, Buck, here’s another big hole in your life that you didn’t know was there until someone tried to fill it.”

He catches Tommy’s smirk out of the corner of his eye and untangles their hands so he can give him a shove. “I know what joke you’re about to make, dumbass. Don’t even go there.”

“Okay, I’ll ask about filling your hole later,” says Tommy, deadpan, and Buck shoves him again, and for a minute their serious conversation devolves into the kind of ridiculous, juvenile wrestling match that Buck secretly loves, that he knows Tommy knows he loves. That reminds him they’re both strong and okay and in tune with one another.

They settle, eventually, with Tommy lying back against the arm of the couch, and Buck cradled against him, grateful that Tommy’s couch is wide and deep enough for them to press together, side by side.

Buck sighs again. Can’t help it.

“I knew a guy in the army. Jake,” says Tommy out of nowhere. “Very nice guy, not one of the assholes who joined up because he thought the uniform would make his dick bigger, you know? When we were in Afghanistan, he made friends with one of our interpreters, guy named Irshad. Mostly we didn’t get close with the locals, but those two – they really hit it off. Stayed in touch after we got shipped home and everything.” He shifts Buck slightly and absently kisses his temple. “When I saw Jake again, maybe a year after we were discharged, he’d converted to Islam. He said his friendship with Irshad had opened his eyes to something. To this faith. He said he felt like that something had always been there – like on some level, he’d always had that faith – it had just taken a while for it to be revealed to him.”

“Huh,” Buck says. He thinks about this idea for a while, petting randomly over Tommy’s chest and belly with one hand while Tommy’s thumb rubs gentle, firm circles in the meat of his upper arm. He likes it, he decides. He’s not a religious person himself, but faith feels like something… important. Fundamental. Feels like a Big Thing, the way sexuality is. It does feel better, he thinks, just to know there are other people who’ve discovered one of those Big Things as a whole ass grownup. He’s not sure how to phrase it. But it does make it feel better.

“So what I hear you saying… is that realizing I like dudes and getting into your pants could be considered comparable to finding God,” is what comes out of his mouth.

He can feel Tommy try to maintain his composure and suppress the snort that wants to escape. He does his best, abdominal muscles contracting under Buck’s hand, but the laughter wins out and explodes in a kind of barking cough that sounds, frankly, a little alarming. Buck sits them up and thumps Tommy on the back a few times, handing him the mug of honeyed tea that’s been cooling on the coffee table.

“Evan,” Tommy wheezes eventually, “I’m going to need you to never say anything like that again.”

“Sure, babe,” Buck says. “But just to be clear, does that mean you don’t want me to get on my knees for you?”

And Tommy is laughing again, and Buck feels so much better. Feels warm inside, because somehow, Tommy always knows how to make him feel better. How to take the disparate anxious puzzle pieces of him and turn the picture right side up so he knows how to solve himself.

(“Oh, my God,” Tommy gasps between coughs.

“That’s my line,” Buck says.)

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[louisearabella]

Mourning Ivy: Reflection Paper on the Anthology, “Lockdown Litanies:Countless Untold Stories” an Essay by Arabella Louise Abad

I want to start this reflective essay with a quote that says ‘ You cannot prevent yourself from sadness without preventing yourself from happiness’. Cliche but every joyful moment doesn’t last forever, You’ll have to battle sorrows to protect your happiness.

Be thankful for it, it will serve as your shield from everything that can happen in the future. A firm foundation no one will try to ruin ever again.

As I read the first poem, It proves that everything is temporary and us people tend to try to control that which in reality, it only makes things worse. Pain, trials and suffering is something we can’t command not to come. Something that is attached to us no matter how hard we try to live simpler and stressless. Which reminded me of that song “ Six Degrees Of Separation'' by The script. From its title,it discusses the pains of a person wherein as it gets longer and farther it gets worse. I also came to the realization that everything you go through wouldn’t always go as planned and the way you will live in the situation is what matters and will matter in the future. You cannot change the past but can still do something about what will happen in the future.

We can give everything to someone. We can sacrifice our lives for the people we love. We can do those things just like how the person we love can do it for another person. How the person we want can sacrifice their life for the ones they love. We can give but it's not always, we get. A situation wherein I'll jump for you but would you do the same?,

There’s a jar-like shape in your heart but can I fit in? According to Bruno Mars’ “ Grenade” ‘ You know i’d catch a grenade for you, but you wouldn’t do the same '' It was like living in a parasocial relationship, it was like pining for someone deeply and being with them at the same time.Imagine a marathon where I’ll try to run as fast as I can and win but you’ll still wait for the one who already lost

Many people find their purpose in life in many things and ways. Unexpected or expected. For this poem, A Wonderwall, a lot of fighting and trial and error just like the song “Wonderwall' by Oasis that says “ And maybe, you’re gonna be the one that saves me cause after all, you’re my wonderwall. The feeling of being included and treated right was emphasized in the poem. Contentment and the love that was so pure that turned the butterflies in the stomach into tiny feet. The freedom that was felt was indescribable though behind those were broken pieces of a woman who tried to seek it from other men. A deeper level of intimate love was expressed through this poem. A deeper meaning to everything, a crystal clear proof to show real affection towards your loved one.

Life can be an unfunny joke sometimes, it prevents us from using shortcuts and pain free ways of living. It will promise us happiness and cut through our souls and body as badly as possible. It will let us experience unbearable pain and have our happy ending. Like the poem Umbilical. The nature of women was to experience pain after pain like an Ivy. It never gets detached, every human being that exists is a product of pain for women. which connects to the song that I picked , “Happiness is a butterfly”by Lana Del Rey. Where it says ‘happiness is a butterfly, try to catch it like every night”. Like a butterfly that is hard to catch is similar to happiness, we don’t get to be very happy with a very little amount of effort.

We make decisions in our life according to what we think is right or what we feel is right but not all the time we get to decide for ourselves. The poem RE: Paper (I’m Red, IMRaD)* is an example of lack of empath. I am sure that those decisions were thought through but there were so many students and family that had burdens regarding that proclamation. There is nothing wrong with aiming for a higher state of education but the lack of capabilities can destroy dreams of young people that had high hopes of finishing their studies early to enable them to bring food for their family, to help the father who has to work double to provide for tuition fees. But still, paying more just for an additional two years that’s not even worth it, imagine the pain. Putting so much effort just to be brought down by group mates that doesn;t take the research seriously, is this reasonable?Which is related to the song The Rare Occasions - Notion .

Everything has an end and that’s for sure, Death. It’s a big deal,how,where you’ll die but the question that matters the most is when. Everyday at least once a day we try to think about that. And being in this cruel world, it's hard to not get that out of our mind. What I thought is more often people ask this question “if i die, do I get to have peace or if I die do I restrict myself from peace?” Not all of us experience the same problems. The weight that we carry in our everyday lives may be light or too much that we can’t handle it anymore. Our mind poisons us if we don't use it properly. It develops scenarios and movies that may live inside of us. Never ever let it get into you. You control it and only you can, which reminded me of the song Demi Lovato - Sober .that states that she’s been thinking about killing herself every time she gets drunk and when alone.

Upon reading the next poem I initially noticed that it’s about a lady that’s going through a tough time alone. All by herself, isolating, couldn’t express herself. With every little inch of her body is detached from freedom. And it's a poem that many people can relate to. For sure, we once tried to solve all of our problems by isolating ourselves and trying to get rid of our emotions. In short, we wanted to give up from everything that’s going around. And the worst part is where we couldn’t explain to other people how we really felt. We couldn’t word out the things that are messing with our mind so we suffer in silence, a deafening silence that hurts every second. And when we free ourselves from that, in a little amount of time and freedom that we try to figure everything out. It feels so overwhelming how mournings turn to laughing and how loneliness turns to solitudity.

Which relates to the song Shawn Mendes - It'll Be Okay - YouTube.

A very common problem among people nowadays is being uncertain of what will happen in the future. The thoughts that kept chasing us like ‘ Am I on the right track?, ‘Will I be okay?’. For this last poem. This is the one that I relate to so much. Having an undesirable past triggers the decision I make everyday. The fear of repeating the same mistakes and experiencing the pain from the past all over again. It explains how we can control our life and as long as there’s tomorrow, there is hope. Another day is a chance to be better. It’s okay not to figure things out right now. Think it through. Everything will be fine. It takes a lot of courage to do those things but in the end it’s still you vs. you. If it feels like you’re being left out by the people around you,It’s fine. We all have the time of our lives and patiently waiting for it will feel 10x better. The last poem feels like the song NEVER Too LATE To START AGAIN - Fearless Soul.

[sarahwroteathing]

Just One Kiss (14)

Word Count: 3328

Summary: The silence is finally broken

Warnings: Language, some talk about war

A/N: Alright. Here we go. Second to last chapter, and I’m really nervous about it. I’m either gonna cry, scream, or both. Probably both.

Catch up here!

After over a month of nothing at all, you suddenly found yourself receiving four letters at once. The sight of the handwriting alone had your knees giving out, and you sat hard on the stairs, clutching the envelopes to your chest as tears of relief ran hot and fast down your cheeks, breaths tearing in and out of you in ragged gasps. When you thought you had regained some of your composure, you pulled them away to look at them again, and a loose, giddy laugh escaping you as you traced your fingers over the shaky penmanship. As you scrambled back up to your room you pressed one, two, three kisses in quick succession to the letters in your hands.

“I knew it. I knew it. You’d never break a promise.”

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I’m alright. More soon, I promise.

-Your Bucky

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Dear Y/N,

I don’t know how much Bucky is planning on telling you about what’s happened, but I think it’s important you know. I have to be careful about what I say, so I’m sorry I won’t be able to tell you everything. Hell, I don’t even know everything, but here it goes…

Bucky’s unit ran into serious trouble. Some escaped. Most were either captured or killed. Colonel Phillips sent the condolence letters before I had a chance to fix things, and I can’t even imagine the pain it must have caused. But Bucky is alive. He was being held along with almost 400 other prisoners, and with some help I managed to set them free. Bucky’s alive. He’s safe now. He’s sitting right next to me, and I’m willing to bet he’s writing you a letter too. 

There’s something else. The place I found him…. I don’t know what they were doing to him, but he wasn’t just sitting in a cell with everyone else. He hasn’t said anything about it, and I’m not sure he’s going to. But I thought you should know.

I’m keeping an eye on him here, and I swear I won’t let anything happen to him. I’ll bring him home safe. In the meantime, please keep sending him letters. On the walk back to the base, they’re all he would talk about. They help more than you could ever know. Just watching him read them gave me hope that he can recover from all this, that he’ll be okay. Because he’s not okay yet. He’s trying to hide it, but it’s the truth. 

But I’m not giving up on him. Please, please don’t give up on him either. I know we can get through all of this together.

Best,

Steve 

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Babydoll,

I know we promised to always tease and make jokes and never for a minute go soft, but God help me, I can’t do that now. I’m so sorry, but I can’t.  I love you. I love you with everything that I have, everything that I am, and any moment might be too late to tell you, so it has to be now. 

I love you, and I’ve never needed you so badly in my entire life. It tears me to pieces to not have you here, but then I know that wouldn’t solve anything. I’d rather die than have you here and in danger. Especially when I don’t think I could protect you anymore. 

The more I see of the world, the less I understand it. That doesn’t seem fair, does it? It was one of the only perks of going I could think of, understanding. I guess that was a bit childish. Because I don’t understand a damn thing. Some of it is what you’d expect. How can things like this happen. How can so much hatred and ugliness exist in a world while the sun still rises every morning, fresh and pink as a newborn. 

Sometimes it’s something more bitter. Like how can they sell this as glory. I guess that’s always how war has been sold. Glory. Well, with all due respect, there’s not a bit of glory to be found here. If it ever lived here, it’s long gone. It’s not in the notches on the barrel of a rifle. Because the man beside me cries at night and whispers a Hail Mary for every notch he traces with frozen fingertips. It’s not in the hidden hip flask. That’s just medicine. A way to fall asleep when you’re too scared to close your eyes. And it’s not in the “justice of the cause” either. Whatever the hell that means. We do what we have to. We know the stakes. And we suffocate under the consequences every day. There’s no glory here.  

It feels like everything has changed, and I don’t understand where or who I am anymore or what I’m supposed to do. Steve is different. Everything is different. Our orders, the uniforms, the missions, the danger. And I don’t know how to catch up. 

Almost every second of every day I think about how I just want to be home. But then I was given the chance to leave all this behind, to head back to Brooklyn, and I said no. Steve is staying, so how can I leave? He may have put on a few pounds, but that scrawny little punk from the alley is still in there somewhere, and it’s still my job to protect him. It’s all I’ve got left. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. Please don’t think this decision has anything to do with you. I promise, it doesn’t. 

I love you. So much. And I think about you all the time. I think about an apartment I’ve never seen before. It’s small, but it’s enough. And the lights are off, but there are blue curtains open to let the moon in. And we stand in the middle of the living room just dancing, and we take turns humming songs. I can hold you just as close as I like. And when you get tired you let me know with a sweet little kiss. And you don’t hide from me when you put on your nightgown, and I don’t get embarrassed after I’ve washed my hair.

And just like the apartment, our bed is small, but we don’t mind it. We don’t want there to be space between us anyway. And we lie there in the dark and whisper for a little while until I’ve told one too many bad jokes and you threaten to kick me out. I pretend to be properly scolded so you’ll be sweet on me again, and we fall asleep that way. Holding each other. Not an inch of breathing space and perfectly happy without it.

It’s the only way I can sleep now. Thinking of you keeps my dreams sweet.

Love always,

Bucky

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I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to say any of those things, and I know they upset you. I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have sent it, and if I could take it back, I would. I know it’s not fair of me to ask you for this, but please, please ignore it. Shred it, throw it in the river, burn it like you threatened to when I first offered to write you love letters. I had no right sending you a letter like that, and I am very deeply sorry. I wasn’t thinking straight. Can we pretend it never happened? Please? 

-Bucky

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James Buchanan Barnes,

Don’t you dare apologize to me, not for that. Do you understand what it was like? To be told over and over again that you were gone, and I needed to start moving on? To keep having my letters returned, to see the one they sent your mother? To keep Rebecca attached to me because neither one of us could stand on our own? 

There is nothing. Nothing. That you could have written that would have upset me after all of that. You could have said that you hated me. That you didn’t want to see me again. That you were staying there even after the war ends. It wouldn’t have mattered. The sight of your handwriting alone has made these letters sacred to me. I’m sorry to disappoint you, but I will keep every letter until the day I die, and there’s nothing you can do to convince me to do otherwise. But if you don’t want to talk about it anymore, then we won’t.

I’ll take whatever you feel you can give me. Please, please take care of yourself. And let others take care of you too. If nothing else, then do that for me. 

I ran to your mother and sister today and to Betty while she was at work, and I think we’ve shed enough happy tears between the four of us to raise the river level a bit. The relief of it… I can’t properly express how it feels to know that you’re alive, that you’re okay. 

I don’t know what happened, and you don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to. But you don’t have to apologize for being upset either, for feeling different. Now Steve is there you can lean on each other the way you always have. And before you know it,  the day will come when you can come home to me, and you can lean on me too, just as much as you’d like. 

In the meantime, I’d like to reassure you that I the mark on the bottom of the page certainly wasn’t intentional. I didn’t do it for you. I simply needed to blot my lipstick. Think nothing of it. 

And don’t you dare every scare me like that again. 

Yours,

Y/N

P.S. Your eyes aren’t blue, Louise never smiles, and I don’t love you too.

Halfway around the world, Bucky pressed his lips to the red stain you had left, closing his eyes and letting himself pretend for just a moment that you were there on the other side of the page.

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My girl,

I’m sorry to say that I think letters will come farther between now. We move around a lot, and it’s important that people don’t know where we are until we’re already gone. There’s a different way they want you to address your letters from now on. I wrote it on the back. Just know that even when I can’t respond right away,  I’m still okay. We’ve proven by now that nothing will keep me from coming home to you. Remember that.

I don’t know if this is good news or not, but when we’re in between missions, we get thrown into a lot of press. So at least you’ll know that I’m still okay even if you can’t hear it from me. I’ll see if I can sneak a secret message for you. Keep an eye on the news reels. 

Now all we need is for you to suddenly get famous so I can see you too. Maybe you should go after Clarke Gable after all. That ought to do it. Just make sure you tell him to keep his hands to himself. 

You should also know that you’ve got yourself a new crowd of admirers over here in the Howling Commandos. They can roll their eyes and make fun of me all they like, but I see them smile when I tell stories about you. 

They’ve taken to calling you Mrs. Barnes, and there doesn’t seem to be anything I can do to make them stop. There’s a reason Dugan earned his nickname. Speaking of which, I think Dum Dum is somehow already sweet on Betty. Think you could get her to write him a note? Could be fun, although I think we’d both suffer from that connection.

And did you get new lipstick or does it just color different on paper than it does on you? I’m not joking. I need to know. It’s vital information. 

Tell Louise I saw her Benjamin a few weeks back. He’s doing alright and just as in love with her as ever. He showed me a better way to wrap up letters to keep them safe from rain. Turns out we’ve got a lot in common.

Yours, 

Bucky

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Dear Bucky,

It’s not as if I spend my time between letters pining for you, so I’m sure it makes no difference to me how often they come. It just means I’ll have more time to not reread your other letters several dozen times. 

The news reels! And the papers! I don’t know which are my favorite. With the papers, I can cut out the pictures to hang up and the articles to show off to anyone who looks at me with too much pity. And the news reels! Poor Steve looks so uncomfortable when they shove the camera in his face. But it’s so good to see you both together again. 

And your new friends look very tough, but they have humor lines in their faces that makes me think they don’t take themselves too seriously. I’m glad you have them. You look very handsome and serious in your new coat. I know you’re not really in the right place for it, but I hope you still get to laugh sometimes. 

And I’m sure this is silly but there was a moment when you looked directly at the camera and tapped your lips. It was just a second, but I almost thought that might have been for me. That secret message you mentioned. But you wouldn’t do that, would you? Make me think about that moment on the docks when you told me to save those words we don’t say? Hmm. I bet Clark Gable would let me say them. 

James Buchanan Barnes, why on Earth are you telling stories about me? How embarrassing. What have you been telling them? And I’m certainly not a Mrs. Barnes, nor have either of us ever considered I could be, of course. I hope they know that. Absurd. 

Sweet on Betty! She adored the news! Though judging by the look in her eyes, he’s in for quite a letter. I do hope he’s prepared. And if you’ll tell me the rest of their information, I will write to each and every one of them. If they’re looking out for you, they certainly deserve it. And there are some things I’m sure they’ll need to know when it comes to handling James Buchanan Barnes.

I don’t know if I changed my lipstick. You’ll have to come back and find out for yourself if you want that very vital piece of information. 

Thank you for the news about Benjamin! Louise was so grateful to know that you’d seen him with your own eyes, and that he seemed to be doing okay. You never can tell these days, especially when men write letters the way that you do. A lot in common, indeed. When did you fall in love with Louise?

Not Mrs. Barnes,

Y/N

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Things went on like this for over a year. Sometimes you’d get a letter each month, sometimes several months would pass before an envelope stuffed to bursting would arrive for you. Bucky took to writing every day, compiling notes until he was able to send them all back home to you at once. 

True to your word, you kept up a cheerful and supportive correspondence with each member of Captain America’s new team, including of course the man himself. From them you collected stories that made you laugh interspersed with the occasional moment of sincerity. 

Steve sent you the shortest letters, but there was always a sketch at the bottom. Bucky rolling his eyes at Dum Dum. Bucky fixing his hair. Bucky with a letter pressed to his lips. 

Eventually the wall by your bed began to resemble the one you’d seen in Bucky’s bedroom, though with a decidedly different focus. You eventually opted to just leave the loose floorboard off and propped against the wall for easier access to your growing collection of letters after one desperate late-night search had yielded two splinters and a few frustrated tears.

Eventually, a tradition arose. You spread the word each time you received a letter, and Betty, Louise, Rebecca, and even Winifred  would gather that evening in your kitchen to write notes together. Bucky had his team, and you had yours. 

Betty kept the night lighthearted by verbally brainstorming all the jokes and terrible teasing she could include in her own letters, and Winifred surprised you all by suggesting clever barbs of her own while maintaining her perfectly innocent expression. Louise was good at identifying when her skill for emotional expression was needed and discreetly providing assistance. Rebecca generally kept you from slipping too far into sentiment, but she had kindly created a diversion on one memorable occasion when Bucky attempted poetry and you’d found yourself in desperate need of privacy.

And one day in April of 1945, you received a letter you would remember for the rest of your life.

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Doll,

I’m sorry it’s been so long since I last had a chance to write. I hope you weren’t too worried. But I promise it was worth the wait. 

We’ve been covering ground quickly and making a lot of progress, and I think we’ve finally finished what we came together to do. It’s over, honey. I think it’s finally over. We’re coming home soon. By the time you get this, I might already be on my way, thinking how if the boat doesn’t start going faster I might jump out and swim. If I’m too tired for that, I might have a word with the captain and say “I’m sorry sir, but you’re going to need to speed things up. I’ve got a gal back home waiting on me to kiss her, and I’d like to arrive before she changes her mind.” 

I’m coming home for you, sweetheart. Like I always promised. Go ahead and brief Mrs. Tanner on the situation so she can start practicing her eavesdropping again. Not to sound arrogant, but I think I was always her favorite subject. She’ll finally get her entertainment back when I spend every night sleeping on the stairs so I can be close to you again. Maybe set out those blue curtains for me so I can have them as a blanket until we find a place to hang them. I hope you’ve missed me as much as I’ve missed you because I have a feeling I’ll be sticking to you so close you might as well carry me around in your handbag.

And hug Lady Liza as tight as she can for me. I know it might sound ridiculous, but there was a moment during a mission about a month ago when it seemed like everything was about to go very wrong. And I was about to pick up Steve’s shield when I remembered what Betty said to me. Do you remember? About the bad penny that catches your eye in the middle of the street? So I left the shield and went for Steve instead. And it’s probably nothing, but that night I felt like I had escaped something. Like something big was supposed to happen that day. I know it’s nothing serious, but give her a hug for me just in case.

Tell Louise that the war is almost over, so she’ll have her Benjamin home soon too. And ask her to schedule a girl’s night for after I get home. I’ve missed too many of them. I need a new ribbon for my hair. 

Life won’t go back to how it was before, I know that. I know that I’ve changed, and I’m sure you have too. But the way I feel never has. And if you’re still willing to give me a chance, I know we can build something for ourselves that’s even better than what we had before. One panel of curtains at a time.

I’ll be seeing you real soon, doll.  

Love always,

Your Bucky

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Oooooh god. Oh god. How are we feeling? Sound off! Who’s not dead? Come scream with me because there’s only one part left, and I’m EMOTIONAL ABOUT IT!

Chapter 15 

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[rachelsheart]

What is Self Love ?

What is the Secret of Happiness?

It All Starts With You.

How you feel about yourself.

What you silently and boldly affirm.

No matter what’s happening, give yourself that extra Love and Care .

You’re Transforming ,

Growing ,

Releasing ,

and becoming more aware.

You’re realizing your worth and what you deserve.

You’re awakening to your own mental powers that

it all starts within you.

This realization brings so much potential, hope, and possibilities, but at the same time a rebirth.

You’re shedding so much of your past self and coming out on top.

Step by step.

Moment by moment.

It’s all happening in such a divine way.

Don’t judge yourself for your current situation, experience, or circumstance.

Learn from it.

Grow from it.

Evolve from it.

Decide right now that you are ready to move forward into your blessings.

Loving yourself is the highest frequency.

Nurture your mind, body, emotions, and spirit.

Take some time for yourself to get your inner world in order.

Everything external you have already created.

Something new must now emerge.

It’s time for new thoughts, new visions, and new goals.

The old habits or things that haven’t worked aren’t surviving your personal growth.

It’s getting easier to let go of what doesn’t work because you love yourself.

It’s all good to because you’re making peace with it.

You are forgiving yourself.

You are forgiving ever situation.

You are free and feeling light allowing the excess to go.

Your mind and heart is feeling lighter.

It’s all okay.

You are such a gift for this planet.

Your existence makes an impact on everything.

Love yourself.

Feel good about who you are.

This is the start of your magical journey.

Everything will begin to seem unreal.

You’ll be so glad you decided.

There’s a whole world and many possibilities waiting for you to make that choice.

It’s time.~

If you wait until you become "perfect" before you love yourself, then you will waste your whole entire life. You're already perfect right here and right now. You're perfect exactly as you are now. You might not fully understand this idea yet. That's okay. You might not be ready to fully understand it at this moment. Therefore: You're perfect as you are now.

~ Louise L. Hay + Buddha

A flower is not "better" when it blooms, than when it's merely a bud or a seedling. At each stage, it's the exact same thing – a flower in the process of expressing its full potential.

~ Paulo Coelho

Love opens us up to all that life has to offer.

But first, we must Learn to Love YOURSELVES with all Your Flaws and imperfections.

You are your Soul Mate Find Yourself.

When we arrive at this level of Self Love,

What a gift we have been given.

We will never again be truly alone, or afraid.

We will never again feel incomplete, or feel unloved.

We have discovered the everlasting loving well within....xo

You deserve to be Loved. (◠‿◠)

I am selfish because i came to realization

That in order to Help and Better the people around me,

I have to take care of myself first.

You can't pour from an Empty Cup.

Take Care of Yourself First..

The life lived in each moment

will not be a life of regret.

May we stay well, balanced,

and forgive ourselves.

May this day bring us

closer to our hearts.

Rachel's Heart

[ohpoeisyou]

Pressure Point Chapter 01 MycroftXdaughter

Mycroft was in his private office when he took the call. It was from a blocked number, which wasn’t completely unusual in his line of work. What was unusual was the voice on the other end. American male, aged 18-24, stressed… really stressed, and crying. “I need to speak to Mr. Mycroft Holmes right away.” the man practically sobbed. Mycroft took an annoyed breath, “speaking” he said as he leaned back in his chair moving his eyes lazily to the ceiling. Don’t I have secretaries for this kind of thing, he thought to himself. “Sir, they are going to kill her, she can’t take much more of this, she’s going to die.” Still staring at the ceiling, “I think you may have the wrong Holmes, can I give you his number?” “NO, forgive me sir, but you don’t understand, It’s Katie, they keep running these tests on her and they are going to kill her.” Mycroft froze. “Who?” he asked even though he saw her face clear as day. The man on the other side of the phone dropped his head and sighed, Mycroft could hear the side of his face rub the receiver. The disappointment and regret were clear in his voice, “You know she said she was worse than dead to you –that she never existed, said you wouldn’t save her if she was poisoned and you had the antidote in your palm. I didn’t believe her, I’ve heard of your reputation of course even all the way over here.” Mycroft closed his eyes, a look of pain resting on his usual bored face, “I asked you a question, who is Katie” Mycroft braced for what he knew was coming. “Kathleen Louise Holmes, Iceman, your daughter.”

It was a relatively quiet morning in 221B, quiet for Sherlock anyway. It has been 8 months since his harrowing experience with his sister and her final problem. John is in the process of moving back in, with Rosie of course. Sherlock had been asking, near to begging for months. The flat was too quiet without him, and he had only successfully won John over by moving his makeshift lab out of the kitchen and to the room downstairs and cleaning and baby-proofing the rest of the flat. “I don’t know Sherlock, she’s still just a baby, she makes a mess and a lot of noise, I don’t know how you will feel about this when we are all up at 3am with her screaming bloody murder, there’s no off switch you know.” John had the blonde-headed toddler on his hip walking around the clean flat. “All the more reason for you to not do it yourself,” Sherlock said from the doorframe. Hearing a quiet giggle Sherlock shook the memory of the conversation from his head and focused his eyes on the source of the noise. Sitting on the carpet in front of him was the baby without an off switch. Not that she was much of a baby anymore. Rosie smiled at Sherlock, happy to have gained his attention and crawled toward him, babbling she reached a chubby little hand towards his leg and pulled herself to her knees in front of his chair. Gripping onto a pant leg she grunted and squinted her eyebrows together looking oh so much like her father until she managed to pull herself to her feet. “Well, hello there little one. When did you learn how to do that?” He smiled at the child standing between his knees. Sherlock was on babysitting duty while John packed the home. John had only agreed to move back in if Sherlock consented to watch her while he went through the house and sorted what to keep and what to get rid of. Sherlock felt like it was a test to see if he could handle being around a baby for extended periods of time. Normally he would have nothing to do with this, but this wasn’t any baby, this was Rosie. She smiled again and reached both hands towards Sherlock, grunting, and opening and closing her fist. Sherlock snickered and reached down, lifting the toddler into his lap and rubbing her back gently. She settled into the crook of his chest, he moved his hand to brush the blonde curls out of her eyes. “What do you want to do today, hmm? Surely there is some trouble that we can get into while daddy is gone.” She squirmed on his lap pushing against his chest until she was far enough back to be eye to eye. Sherlock couldn’t help but admire the beautiful child in front of him. Had you told him a year ago that he would be in his flat with a giggling toddler in his lap and there was not a gun at his head he would have probably insulted you in a varying number of ways and had Myrcroft ruin your credit score. But here he was watching the light from the window dance across her cheeks and rest in her eyelashes, he knew that there was not anything he wouldn’t do for her. Sherlock was a fairly protective man when it came to his friends and family, though he didn’t really know that until John came into his life. But this was different. This wasn’t ‘hurt my friend and I will hurt you’ love, this was ‘hurt her and I will set the world on fire’ love. Sherlock had never felt anything like it and wasn’t sure he would ever feel it again. “Well, Watson?” he bounced his legs slightly, “what do we want to do today?” She giggled, pulling her fingers from her mouth, and threw her body into his chest with a surprising amount of force for such a little thing, hugging her arms around his neck. Rosie was a very affectionate child to those she was comfortable with. She seemed to have a new level of affection when Sherlock was around though. It was much to everyone’s amusement that the one person who didn’t want to be touched was wrapped around the finger of a baby that was happiest when reaching or clinging to him. “Take her to the park, Sherlock!” Mrs. Hudson’s voice traveled up the stairs and over the baby gate. “It’s a beautiful day and both of you could use some fresh air.” Sherlock thought about it a moment, coming up with nothing better. He stood up, scooping Rosie up with him and walked to John’s room to fetch her shoes. “Park it is Watson!” Passing Mrs. Hudson in the hall she gave Rosie a kiss on the cheek and Sherlock a pat on the arm. “The best thing you did was convince him to move back home you know, even Rosie has been in higher spirits.” Sherlock smiled and shifted her in his arms. “I’m happy they are here too.” Stepping out of the door and turning towards the park that was only a few mins away Sherlock took a deep breath and felt his muscles relax slightly in the warmth of the sun on his shoulders. A sunny summer day in London was to be treasured indeed.

John sighed as he opened their closet… his closet. Running a hand over his tired face he mentally contemplated putting this off another day. He had been productive today, sorted the Kitchen and the Den called the local donation center and arranged for the items and furniture he no longer had a use for to be picked up the following afternoon, but those rooms had been shared spaces –not as intimate, not only hers. I’ll just grab mine, take it back to the flat and sort the rest tomorrow he decided. He knew he would regret not doing it when he laid down tonight but he couldn’t force himself to do it. Not right now. Grabbing an armful of his hanging clothes he stuffed them, hanger and all, into the box on the mattress. He had just grabbed the last armful when he felt his phone vibrate in his pocket. Folding the flaps of the box in he reached for his phone, it was a text from Mrs. Hudson. Swiping the message open he saw she had sent him a picture of Sherlock and Rosie. They were in the hall, Rosie in his arms and holding onto his shoulder, her head was thrown back in laughter and a warm smile on Sherlock’s face. John couldn’t help but grin at the sight. Who would have known that the great Sherlock Holmes would have gone soft for a child? Just when he was about to put the phone back in his pocket another msg popped up under the photo. “I suggested they go to the park and enjoy this weather, you’ll find them there if you were coming back anytime soon.” John moved his eyes back to the picture. Happiness. He could see it shining in both of their eyes. He couldn’t find himself to join, not today, not surrounded by his dead wife’s things. He typed a quick reply “I would hate to ruin their fun. I’ll check in later.” Send. Tossing his phone to the empty dresser top next to him he bent to the bottom of the closet to start grabbing his shoes. Mycroft rolled down the window of the car as Sherlock and the Watson child approached the sidewalk to cross to the park on the other side of the car. “Get in Sherlock.” He watched his brother roll his eyes. “Go away, I am busy.” He moved past the car. Mycroft sighed, opening the door and stepping out. “This is important, brother mine, we need to talk.” Mycroft didn’t have to see Sherlock’s face to know he rolled his eyes again. “I implore you to look up the difference between need and want, Mycroft.” walking towards the entrance of the park. “Sherlock please.” the slight wobble in Mycroft’s voice forced Sherlock to a halt and with a sigh, he turned on his heel. “Fine, but Rosie wants to swing so you’ll have to talk there.” Mycroft shut the door of the car and walked toward the pair “Then swing she shall.” Sherlock carefully put the child in the baby swing and snapped the belt around her waist. Her chunky legs stuck out the bottom and she kicked her feet in excitement. Mycroft observed the gentle smile that crossed his brother’s face as he talked to the cooing baby. How much he had changed in the last year. How much a child changes things. He couldn’t help but feel the irony of the situation. He was about to tell his brother of the child he abandoned in front of the child his brother had adopted. Sherlock cleared his throat. “Well, whatever it is, it has you more raddled than Eurus did, so spit it out. Might as well get it over with”, he gave the Watson child a small push. Mycroft adjusted his grip on his cane and locked eyes with his brother. “Her name is Kathleen.”

[helenbeligirl]

Back home, these dark thoughts are quickly forgotten. In the living room, Louise has arranged a bouquet of dahlias. Dinner is ready, the sheets smell clean. After a week in freezing beds, eating chaotic meals at the kitchen table, they are happy to return to their family comforts. It would be impossible, they think, to manage without her. They react like spoiled children, like purring cats.

Lullaby, by Leïla Slimani (2018) (translation by Sam Taylor. Also published as ‘The Perfect Nanny’)

Rating: ★★★★☆

This review contains mild spoilers.

I read the English version of this book, originally written in French, and I have a very strong suspicion that something fundamental about the novel was lost in translation. I could be wrong of course, but I have no way of knowing since my French is nowhere near up to par to be able to grapple with a work of fiction on this level. If I’m right though, it’s a real pity.

The book begins with the murder of the children under Louise’s care, and the novel peels back every layer in a methodical, almost meticulous way to take us to the motive. Given the reviews, I expected a thriller, but the book delivers us a character study, mostly of Louise (the nanny), but also of Paul and Myriam, her employers. It digs uncomfortably deep into their lives, letting the ugly bubble to the surface without giving the glitter a chance to shine. 

In many ways, this novel unravels class-related complexities along with issues of race and gender. As the father, Paul remains relatively unaffected by his children’s existence in his world, maintaining his old life almost exactly as he’s always done, but Myriam finds herself shoehorned into motherhood at the expense of her sense of self. Louise then, is the solution, allowing Myriam to return to work and become a person again, inevitably passing the burden of the invisible caretaker onto another woman. Paul and Myriam's avoidance of hiring non-white nannies have somewhat racist justifications, allowing the book to lay the issue bare in a completely unapologetic way, which I appreciated. 

The thing about the book is that it’s very honest, very straightforward. It tells you what the matter is and shows you the ugly bottom of people’s lives. When Paul, Myriam, and Louise begin to coexist in the singular apartment (the site of most of the book’s scenes), an innocuous arrangement slowly builds into something obsessive, codependent, and sinister. 

The climax of the book for me wasn’t actually the end - it was a scene towards the last third. It was so visceral and messed up in a totally unexpected way, and the juxtaposition of the image that one of the characters comes across is extremely unnerving. That’s where the tension really began to ramp up, but the ending was almost exquisitely disappointing. It felt like everything that was built up in the story was left to drain out with the bathwater, so to speak. Louise’s motive is never truly explained, but we aren’t given nearly enough pieces to even make concrete assumptions, the way stories with ‘unanswered’ endings do.

Still recommend it though. It’s worth experiencing.

[totalvibration]

55 Albums Released in 2019 That Splash Oat Milk In My Earl Grey

This year felt like slo-mo, a holding pattern and a fast-forward button stumbling towards unknown ends. I spent the early months in paternal bliss and sleep deprivation, caring for my newborn daughter, then spent the rest of the year running to slow down… to make the most of small moments with my family, to juggle that thing every lifestyle magazine calls the work-life balance, to know when I need help and being willing to ask for it, to making priorities with loved ones. 

Also, after years of oolongs and a staunch no-milk-in-tea-except-milk-teas policy, I started putting honey and oat milk in my Earl Grey, an old tea standby that's felt warmly familiar in colder months. Similarly, I dug my heels into familiar-to-me gnarly metal, deep drone and abrasive punk this year, uninterested in poptimist takes on indie-rock. In an effort to maximize more time with new family and less with bulls***, I leaned hard into my Viking's Choice column at NPR Music (which went weekly!) to shout out underground debauchery and beauty to anyone who would listen. 

Below are 55 albums (and a few reissues and archival releases) that hit me in different ways over 2019. No ranking, just links out to Bandcamp where available. They come paired with emoji because that's a thing I do on Twitter. 

See also:

Viking's Choice: The Year In The Loud And The Weird (my annual year-end episode of All Songs Considered)

20 Punk Albums Released In 2019 That Flip Eggs, Pick Up Chains

20 Metal Albums Released In 2019 That Bluurgh Over Sick Riffs

A nine-hour playlist of 2019 jamz 

But first, some stray thoughts:

Ta-Nehisi Coates' still-ongoing Captain America run has been extremely rewarding. A beloved superhero comes to terms with the line between patriotism and nationalism as Coates underlines that American progress often comes from reluctance. 

Daniel Warren Johnson's Murder Falcon spoke to me not only as a metalhead who loves cartoonishly kick-ass violence, but also as a dude with a tender heart… that final issue still gets me in the feels. 

Krzysztof Kieślowski's Three Colours is secretly a trilogy of movies about the loving, painstaking process of creation, specifically music. I'd never seen any of them until paternity leave (and a sleeping baby) gave me hours to binge long-neglected to-watch lists. In 1993's Blue, in particular, a composition mirrors the grief of Juliette Binoche in an exquisite performance. 

Tiny Desk concerts I produced for NPR Music in 2019: American Football (with a children’s choir!), Thou, Erin Rae, Carly Rae Jepsen (sort of), Jimmy Eat World and Mount Eerie (videos coming in 2020). 

There’s a gallery at Glenstone, a truly stunning museum experience, that’s literally just a room full of books, a sculpted wooden bench and a large window that looks out on the rolling hills of Maryland. I could spend hours there. 

The second season of KCRW's Lost Notes, hosted by Jessica Hopper, built episodes like albums, sequenced with eureka moments throughout. See: the story of a teenage Farsi New Wave sibling duo and a difficult and necessary reassessment of John Fahey through the women in his life.  

High Spirits (May 7, Atlas Brew Works) is such a force for good. Heavy metal singalongs about love, friendship and positivity. I feel like this band needs to tour with Sheer Mag to be fully appreciated by an unknowing audience. 

Has your baseball team ever won the pennant with the sleeping baby on your chest? So many silent screams of joy in our household as the Nats not only won the National League, but the whole dang World Series. I haven't lived in a city/state with a baseball team that's gone to the World Series since 1995. 

Circuit Des Yeux's Haley Fohr (Dec. 5, Hirshhorn) tuned her voice to feedback hum and the rest that followed felt like a wordless eulogy for 2019. I felt renewed by it. 

I can't think of a prettier song released in 2019 than "This Time Around" by Jessica Pratt. It is saudade whispered into the wind.

This was my Linda Ronstadt year. Heart Like a Wheel, Canciones de mi Padre, her records with the Stone Poneys — the Queen of LA, with a voice that both bursts out of and melts into dusk, softened the edges of long days with an equally adventurous and easygoing spirit.

🚙 Petrol Girls, Cut & Stitch: In 2019, it was crucial — life-affirming and -saving, even — to make your own noise. "This is the sound / It moves in our bodies / It passes through time / Brings what came before us," Petrol Girls' Ren Aldridge screamed at the top of a turbulent punk record filled with compassion. That boundless philosophy resonated with me this year — to listen and absorb more deeply, to excavate the traces of memory in music.

👽 Blood Incantation, Hidden History of the Human Race: Simultaneously exists in the gaping maw of death-metal tradition and the galaxy brain of its future. 

💾 Kali Malone, The Sacrificial Code: Seeks the solemnity of the drone in the pipe organ, but leans into the vulnerability pushed through the air.

🕹️ billy woods & Kenny Segal, Hiding Places:  An album-length self-excavation that crawls through moldy memories in a brutal poetry that is at times darkly funny but mostly wrestles with personal and societal truths that'll leave you touched, shook. 

📟 Holly Herndon, PROTO: One of our deepest thinkers went to the past to make music from the future. 

🚨 Rakta, Falha Comum: Creepazoid emanations from a subterranean plane.

🐣 Sunwatchers, Illegal Moves: Ecstatic protest music summoning the beauty and rage of Alice Coltrane, Sonny Sharrock, Rhys Chatham and Hawkwind. 

🏞 Bill Orcutt, Odds Against Tomorrow: The most engaging, radical, but surprisingly accessible solo guitar album of the year. Bill Orcutt's ragged-yet-tender guitar skronk gives shaggy texture to rapturous melodies.

🍕 Control Top, Covert Contracts: This hits some dance-punky Erase Errata sweet spots for me, but with the technical finesse of a power trio. 

🚟 Real Life Rock & Roll Band, Hollerin' the Spirit: Applies minimalist techniques to rumbling, dueling guitar histrionics with a reckless, but locked-in energy. Never woulda thunk American Football and Henry Flynt could hoedown together. 

🐠 Caroline Shaw & Attacca Quartet, Orange: Balances austere beauty with rumbling earth. Riveting music for string quartet. 

💥 Mdou Moctor, Ilana (The Creator): Where ZZ Top bombast, Black Sabbath riffs and Tuareg trance rhythms swirl into an acid-rock stomp. 

👑 Vagabon, Vagabon: Goes so many places, yet always returns home. 

🎭 JPEGMAFIA, All My Heroes Are Cornballs: A neon-freaked feast blasted in slow mo and fast forward all at once.

🌆 Denzel Curry, ZUU: Dude's a metal rapper without a metal band, but if he ever started one, I'm down 100 percent. 

💨 Whistling Arrow, Whistling Arrow: An avant UK supergroup of prepared guitar, violin, electronics and hypnotic percussion drinks deep of dark lagers and mossy earth.

🐸 101 Notes on Jazz: Things are getting hard around the boloney hole...

🐳 M. Sage, Catch a Blessing: Warm, fuzzy world-building from blocks of sound stretched and warped into a new nostalgia.

🚇 Mizmor, Cairn: Deliberate and patient in its annihilating pace; lumbering, yet regally melodic riffs echo into a chasm of feedback.

🌅 Takafumi Matsubara, Strange, Beautiful And Fast: Next-level grind from the Gridlink mastermind and friends. While No One Knows What the Dead Think picked up where Discordance Axis left off, Takafumi Matsubara shreds into the future.

🐎 American Football, LP3: A reunion that keeps on giving and growing. Impressionistic in its quietly bursting arrangements and attuned to the individual talents of its vocal guests, especially that stunning duet with Hayley Williams. 

🔋 v/a, Seitō: In the Beginning, Woman Was the Sun: This compilation does for modern Japanese women in experimental music what P.S.F.’s Tokyo Flashback comps did for the Japanese psychedelic scenes of yore. 

👗 Carly Rae Jepsen, Dedicated: Didn't hold together as much as I wanted, or play like E•MO•TION's late-night mixtape, but every time one of its singles popped up on a friend's playlist -- "Julien," "Want You in My Room," "The Sound" and especially the slow-burn synth-pop exhaustion of "Too Much" -- I'd think, "Carly Rae Jepsen is the Queen of the Song I Needed Right Now."

🌕 Rong, wormhat: Just bonkers. Boston's Rong channels the joyous chaos of Japanese punks Melt-Banana and the aggro skronk of Brainiac with a tad of Deerhoof's weirdo-pop hooks.

✊🏿 Sounds of Liberation, Sounds of Liberation / Unreleased Columbia University 1973: Free jazz and funk band deep in spiritual grooves. Killer performances all around, but such a trip to hear more from young vibraphonist Khan Jamal during his Drum Dance to the Motherland era. 

🐬 Great Grandpa, Four of Arrows: If Sixpence None the Richer made an emo record, but only had Return of the Frog Queen on the mood board. 

📳 Sarah Louise, Nighttime Birds and Morning Stars: One of my favorite guitarists right now. Digitally processes melodies and single notes in an electronic elation landing somewhere between Robert Fripp, Alice Coltrane and Terry Riley.

📮 Sarah Hennies, Reservoir 1: An immersive sound cycle in constant motion, a quiet rumble that slowly transforms in and out of a glorious clatter. 

👣 Psychedelic Speed Freaks, Psychedelic Speed Freaks: Munehiro Narita essentially picks up where High Rise left off, still plays the guitar like it's about to blow up. 

🍩 Town Portal, Of Violence: Most instrumental post/prog-rock puts me to sleep, but this Danish trio illustrates just how dynamic and sound-rich this music can be. 

🛀 Jim O'Rourke, steamroom 45: An electronic excavation from the deep abyss. The 37-minute "Sigaretstraat" is a master class in patience, dynamics and sublime dissonance.

🎀 Cristina Quesada, I Think I Heard a Rumor: Multi-lingual, ultra-chic dance-pop with super-smart synth arrangements. Think: Tiki drinks and mod dresses. 

⏹ John Luther Adams, Become Desert: Truly time-less music; as in, music without time. 

⏏ Julia Reidy, brace, brace: Late night, longform excursions that offer an alternate Blade Runner soundtrack with frenzied 12-string, fuzzy synth glossolalia and an Auto-Tuned bummer haze.

🚞 A Million Dollars, I Love Your Voice and I Love You: Weird and warped twee-pop that woulda headlined Silent Barn. 

📠 Priests, The Seduction of Kansas: Truth-telling and truth-seeking through a mangled disco haze and bleak New Wave romanticism. 

🏭 Werner Durand with Amelia Cuni and Victor Meertens, processions: Majestic drones capture an undulating wonder with enveloping somnolence.

🎳 Sheer Mag, A Distant Call: The denim-and-leather-jacket-wearing standard bearers of truly independent rock and roll double-downed on their sound, but opened their hearts a bit more. 

📒 Susan Alcorn / Joe McPhee / Ken Vandermark, Invitation to a Dream: Illuminates the flickering motions of exploration. 

😱 Serpent Column, Mirror in Darkness: Pitch-black metal chaos with forceful melodies twisted into the tableau. Honestly? Deathspell Omega but skramz.

🏅 Pernice Brothers, Spread the Feeling: Joe Pernice digs into his '80s record collection to return with some of his most delicately written, winsome guitar-pop in years and tons of one-liners: "Love is a shoeless charlatan, a silver-tongued huckster with a sadist’s lipless grin."

🍓 Kalie Schorr, Open Book: Whip-smart, hook-twanged country-pop raised on MTV2 pop-punk and Sheryl Crow. 

📀 Angel Olsen, All Mirrors: In a year where we lost Scott Walker, this felt like a torch passed from 1969. 

😪 Mount Eerie, Lost Wisdom pt. 2: Phil Elverum draws us in evermore, revisiting a beloved album, mode and collaborator (the remarkable Julie Doiron), and molding them into his ever-changing songwriting and circumstance. Contains the most tender couplet of the year, which I'll carry with me always: "If ever the bonfire that I carry around could warm you again / I will be out here in the weather for you glowing."

🙉 75 Dollar Bill, I Was Real: Serious hypno-grooves from these drone excavators. 

👢 Karen Marks, Cold Cafe: The early '80s artist behind the Sky Girl comp's broodiest track gets a few more songs of existential synth-pop and jangly post-punk. Just wanna put them on mixtapes for friends. 

🍻 Haunt, If Icarus Could Fly: Synthesizes an earnest, studied love for '80s heavy metal with tons of guitar harmonies and can-crushing anthems, yes, but also a ton of heart.

🍖 Bob Dylan, The Rolling Thunder Revue: The strangest, most mystical and wild Dylan persona in all of its face-painted glory. 

🌹 A Pregnant Light, Broken Play: Damian Master's endless creativity and shameless bravado coalesce into a rugged beauty. As always, riffs for days. 

🦄 Fire-Toolz, Field Whispers (Into the Crystal Palace): Clashes New Age synthscapes, clubby raves, jazz fusion and metal shrieks into an idiosyncratic master's pure creation.

🌇 Maria W Horn, Epistasis: Quiet, yet forceful acoustic elements are wrapped in the sinews of technology to blur composition. A stirring mix of icy string drones and minimalist piano. 

🐲 Soul Glo, The N**** in Me Is Me: Distills the rage and terror of living in America while being black with blunt force.

🍢 Mára, Here Behold Your Own: Snapshots of a time before parenthood rendered in garbled organ, ambient guitar loops and echoing lullabies. Felt this one deeply. 

🚙 The Go-Betweens, G Stands for Go-Betweens: The Go-Betweens Anthology - Volume 2: There's a live KCRW version of "Quiet Heart" that just absolutely destroys me. Deeply thankful for the presentation and preservation that's gone into these box sets. 

😈 Bat for Lashes, Lost Girls: A coming-of-age concept album about a teenage vampire gang that was somehow severely overlooked. Some of Natasha's most tender songwriting and a rich synth-pop world that'd make M83 jealous.

[martykirkby]

Any holby or casualty episodes you’d recommend rewatching? Idm how old, thanks :)

(i’m gonna put this under a read more bc it got way longer than i intended it too and you didn’t even ask for descriptions i’m just incapable of being concise ever sorry! i bolded the titles so you don’t have to read it all)

okay so it depends what characters you care about, bc my answers would be different based on who your faves are, so these are my faves to rewatch (but will probs be super biased towards my fave characters)! obvs i’m not saying watch all of them (unless you want to) but i’ve included reasons why i like them so you can decide based on what you enjoy.

holby (i’ve only watched from s16 with a little of s15 and s6 so it’s gonna start there):

intuition (16x11)- dom’s first episode back after his guest stint, and adele’s first ep! this is the first episode i watched when i started watching holby properly bc i was impatient and wanted to get to the dom scenes so i haven’t watched most of the s16 episodes before it but i would probably say watch 16x10 as well bc that’s when jac gives birth and this ep has a lot of scenes about her and emma.

prince among men (16x16)- raf’s first ep in which he’s v v iconic and also i love dom, zosia and arthur and frustrated mentor sacha and there’s that woman who’s like in love with a mummy until she finds out it was a female mummy. also jac and emma!!

one small step (16x42)- again i LOVE the keller trio, this is the first ep where they really bond even if it’s over a super traumatic experience w zosia. and connie crosses over for the first time since she joined casualty, which i rlly liked.

star of wonder (17x10)- a really important episode for zosia’s character and her bipolar sl! also i like christmas episodes

the ides of march (17x32)- another big ep for zosia and the one where she decides to move to darwin

beautiful (17x45)- dom taking a level students on a tour of the hospital and bonding w one of them and quoting that christina aguilera song... i love him

at first i was afraid (17x50)- dom and arthur roadtrip! the karaoke scene! frieda as a patient! elliot’s exit ft some really nice scenes w him and jac!

left behind (18x05)- i just really like all three storylines, i’ve rewatched the mo and wiliam sl a few times just bc i like mo and this ep is the last one of that sl and it’s my fave of them, and you can watch it as a standalone if you already know what’s happened in the eps beforehand.

blue christmas (18x11)- the only one i’ve seen where jac’s past is rlly talked about bc it’s the one where fran reveals they know each other. apart from that it is just a nice christmas ep and i really like all the other storylines going on.

young hearts, run free (18x13)- the ep where dom arthur and morven have to do some scavenger hunt thing in the woods!! and dom has a chicken called henriketta!! that’s reason enough to watch it 500 times tbh

one under (18x21)- for some reason arthur’s patient sl haunts me, but i think it is a rlly good (but sad) ep for arthur as he comes to terms with his cancer test

it tolls for thee (18x31)- arthur and morven’s wedding and i love them

i’ll walk you home (18x35)- arthur’s last ep (as not a figment of someone’s imagination) and it’s devastating but the episode is so so well done and i watch it whenever i need to cry

another day in paradise, parts one and two (18x38 and 18x39)- i just really like all the different storylines in these eps, the patient sl is like. wild and there’s focus on jac being a mother and dom’s grief and sacha and essie i just rlly like them

protect and serve (18x47)- this is the one after the helicopter crash in casualty so i always watch it after watching that one. it’s a good episode that focuses more on the characters than the storylines and i love the crossovers too.

i do, i do, i do (19x13)- an episode in which a main character’s daughter dies has absolutely no right being as funny as this, but the derwood/inga wedding is so so funny and also rlly sweet at the end and the contrast with the elinor storyline is wild (and also something i wish holby would do more often bc recently they’ve done like three depressing storylines in one ep)

the hard way home (19x35)- tbh the main reason i’ve rewatched this ep so much is for dofty which obvs i don’t care about anymore, but it’s also a really good ep just for dom w his steroid addiction and the anniversary of arthur’s death. and it’s damon’s first ep and i miss him

group animal, parts one and two (19x61 and 19x62)- the shooting eps which i also watch when i wanna feel sad, but also they are just really good episodes in general

also the last two eps of s19 after the shooting bc i’m incapable of not watching the aftermath

i haven’t rewatched any s20 or s21 eps except when giffing so i can’t rlly recommend any there

casualty (for some of these just pretend that lofty never existed on holby and his character was never destroyed):

next of kin, parts one and two (26x15 and 26x16)- the second ep is more exciting but you need the first one for context, it’s just classic high stakes drama, the entire ed was on fire bc they stopped filming in bristol so they were like yeah let’s completely destroy the set! and it’s ruth and jay’s last episodes.

duty of care (26x17)- also high stakes drama, tom’s first episode and the first ep filmed in cardiff. there’s a poisonous gas leak AND an explosion.

love is (26x23)- danny dyer did more acting in this one (1) episode than he has his entire career on eastenders i swear. i didn’t expect to get so emo about it.

the ‘ricochet’ eps (26x25, 26x26, 26x27)- casualty didn’t hold back with these eps. they’re v good eps (s26 has some of casualty’s best episodes imo) but a LOT about gang violence and a trigger warning for rape in the second one.

zero sum game (26x39)- fletch’s first episode! i mainly like it bc of that but it’s also fun to see how much lloyd hates him at first.

the #holbyriot eps (26x41 and 26x42)- definitely some of the most tense episodes casualty’s ever done, back when they cared about social issues like police brutality.

rabbits in headlights (27x17)-  the first episode for robyn, jamie and aoife (and ally but she leaves the next ep). i love seeing how far robyn in particular has come, and i loved jamie and aoife as well and seeing them as tiny dumbass students is fun.

unsilenced (27x31)- the fgm storyline, again when casualty used to care about social issues. it’s really well-written, i think.

once there was a way home, parts one and two (28x01 and 28x02)- this is ramin’s first appearance and i love him and jamie and the way jamie basically risked his entire job to help him. the first one is also rita’s first ep!

carrot not stick (28x35)- this one has a patient from 28x33 in, but you don’t need to have rewatched that one to get the gist. lofty and dixie take said patient to visit his dying mother and they go to the beach. they sing dolly parton. lofty steals a puppy. it’s just a really nice episode imo

born lucky (29x05)- this is a sad one, but i really like the relationships between the staff in this one, and i think it was a good final episode for jeff.

entrenched (29x09)- casualty said football fans don’t deserve rights and also lofty makes some points about the futility of war. michael spence is in this episode!

deadfall (29x10), the road not taken (29x26), holby sin city (29x39)- i’m grouping these together bc they’re all the ‘holby noir’ standalone episodes and if you wanna watch one ep and not have to worry about the long running storylines, they work. they’re also completely insane and v fun imo. the road not taken is my fave.

a child’s heart, parts one and two (30x01 and 30x02)- i’m not a fan of it focusing so much on charlie’s life story, but i love episodes just after a crisis and especially when one of the team is in danger bc you really see how much the staff all care about each other. these eps also have the start of louise’s storyline where she switches from a receptionist to a nurse.

high tide (30x27)- lofty’s last episode, jez’s first, and it’s also a really good episode for cal and ethan. and although i don’t really care about any of them except jez anymore, i still think this is a good episode to rewatch just to see like. them as characters.

too old for this shift (31x01)- this is the feature length episode so like. it might not be ideal to rewatch but again it’s the helicopter crash episode, so you really see the staff pull together which i love, and there are appearances from jac and fletch, and video calls from people who have left the show. like i said, it goes with protect and serve on holby so i usually rewatch those together.

mobile (31x27)- i literally just rewatched this episode last night which is why i’m thinking about it, but it’s a really good ep and it’s the one where robyn gives birth and her scenes with david are so well acted. they also link all three stories in some way to mobile phones which i thought was cool.

5 days (31x28)- i love robyn so i really love this episode. there’s a lot of character development imo, from being in denial and optimistic to realising how bad charlotte’s situation is and struggling to cope, to accepting how it is and being there for her as a mother.

one (31x44)- the plot is okay, it’s not something i’d be particularly interested to rewatch apart from the fact it’s filmed in one shot which makes it fun to rewatch.

32x19- max’s last episode and we find out a lot about him! and ofc there’s the zoe and max reunion and i just really like max in this episode.

32x21- bea’s first ep and i love her, also really shows how much a real ed has to cope with and has alicia start the anonymous blog which is v iconic of her.

i haven’t really rewatched any eps that aired after this specifically for one ep (i’ve rewatched every episode jade and marty and archie have been in but i don’t always care about the eps themselves)

[writing-prompts-for-friends]

Notes on Robert McKee’s “Story” 17: Essential Qualities of a Protagonist (and Other Characters)

Today we cover McKee’s rundown of the essential qualities of the protagonist, a.k.a. The Main Character who does The Thing. That’s the dictionary definition; trust me I have a Bachelor’s in English. Because Thor is the best my favorite superhero, I’m going to see if he (in the Marvel Cinematic Universe) ticks all the boxes of McKee’s qualities of a protagonist. Warning: all the spoilers. Additional Warning: Long post.

The Protagonist

Usually, the protagonist is one person. However, sometimes stories are driven by a duo, such as THELMA AND LOUISE, or a trio or more. These are called Plural-Protagonists. 

For two or more characters to form a Plural-Protagonist, two conditions must be met:

All individuals in the group share the same desire

In the struggle to achieve this desire, they mutually suffer and benefit. 

So we can say that THE AVENGERS has the Plural-Protagonists of all the Avengers. They seek to defeat Loki, regain the Tesseract, and save the world from the Chitauri invasion. 

A story can also be Mutliprotagonist. Here, characters pursue separate and individual desires, suffering and benefiting independently. We could use the unfortunate film Thor 2: The Dark World as an example. (Do you remember it lol?) Loki and Thor are forced to work together to defeat the Dark Elves, but each for very different desires and benefits. 

Other examples of Multiprotagonist works would be PULP FICTION and THE BREAKFAST CLUB, just to name a couple more examples. 

Multiprotagonist works often result in Multiplot stories. Rather than driving the telling through the focused desire of a protagonist, either single or plural, these works weave a number of smaller stories, each with its own protagonist, to create a dynamic portrait of a specific society. PULP FICTION certainly displays the Multiplot at work well. 

Also, as I’m sure you’re aware, the protagonist doesn’t need to be human. Bugs Bunny is the protagonist in Looney Tunes. Hamtaro is the protagonist in Hamtaro. Thomas the Tank Engine is a sentient train. 

“Anything that can be given a free will and the capacity to desire, take action, and suffer the consequences can be a protagonist. It’s even possible, in rare cases, to switch protagonists halfway through a story. PSYCHO does this, making the shower murder both an emotional and formal jolt.”

Now let’s dive into the hallmark qualities necessary of all protagonists.

1. A Protagonist Is a Willful Character

“Other characters may be dogged, even inflexible, but the protagonist in particular is a willful being. The exact quantity of this willpower, however, may not be measurable. Quality of willpower is as important as quantity.”

Thor is perhaps one of the most willful characters of the Avengers, second only to Captain America. His sense of justice and responsibility as protector of realms demands that he make bold decisions and act for the greater good. His desires are always clear because he is transparent, the polar opposite of his brother. 

However, not all protagonists display their willpower. Take the character Groot, who may appear to be passive particularly in Endgame when he is going through his rebellious teen years. Yet when he offers a piece of himself to become the hilt of Thor’s new weapon Stormbreaker. It is clear that despite his outward apathy, he has not lost the desire to assist his friends and stop Thanos.

McKee cautions us that:

“The truly passive protagonist is a regrettably common mistake. A story cannot be told about a protagonist who doesn’t want anything, who cannot make decisions, whose actions effect no change at any level.”

 2. A Protagonist Has a Conscious Desire

In each of the Marvel films, Thor’s outward desires have been somewhere along the lines of “Protecting the Nine Realms.” The protagonist’s will impels a known desire. The protagonist has a need or goal, an object of desire, and knows it. For many characters, a simple, clear, conscious desire is sufficient.

3. The Protagonist May Also Have a Self-Contradictory Unconscious Desire

Thor’s outward desires have always been the altruistic “Protecting the Nine Realms,” but in his deep character, from the very first Thor film to Endgame, Thor has struggled to find himself worthy in the eyes of his father, of his people, and, at his very core, in the eyes of himself. In contrast to his outward desires that are self-sacrificial, deep down he has always felt the uncontrollable wish to be deemed “worthy,” not only by Mjolnir, but by his father, Loki, Jane, the people of the Nine that he wishes to serve, and ultimately by himself. Having grown up as the first son of the Allfather, the throne is his by default and everything in life has been handed to him. Yet he has always sought to prove his worthiness is not from birthright.

McKee states:

“The most memorable, fascinating characters tend to have not only a conscious but an unconscious desire. Although these complex protagonists are unaware of their subconscious need, the audience senses it, perceiving in them an inner contradiction. The conscious and unconscious desires of a multidimensional protagonist contradict each other. What he believes he wants is the antithesis of what he actually but unwittingly wants. What would be the point of giving a character a subconscious desire if it happens to be the very thing he knowingly seeks?”

Excluding his battle with the frost giants in Jotunheim at the beginning of the first Thor film when he was brash and immature, Thor has never gone against an enemy in order to prove his worthiness. When he fails to stop Thanos, he comes to the conclusion that he is worthless, and it is only thanks to Frigga that he realizes that not only is he still worthy; he has always been worthy.

4. The Protagonist Has the Capabilities to Pursue the Object of Desire Convincingly

“The protagonist’s characterization must be appropriate. He needs a believable combination of qualities in the right balance to pursue his desires. This doesn’t mean that he’ll get what he wants. He may fail. But the character’s desires must be realistic enough in relationship to his will and capacities for the audience to believe that he could be doing what they see him doing and that he has a chance for fulfillment.”

In the first Thor movie, Odin exiles his son to Earth until he has proved himself worthy as his successor to the throne. Thor, as brash and confident as he was at the start of the movie, convinces Jane and the audience that he will be able to retrieve Mjolnir immediately. This is proven not only by his unshakable confidence, but also by the way he destroys any and all opponents who stand in his way. The audience feels the same confidence as Thor, that it is just a simple matter of walking in and taking back what is rightfully his. 

Yet to our dismay we see that he is not yet worthy when he is unable to regain Mjolnir.

5. The Protagonist Must Have at Least a Chance to Attain His Desire

“An audience has no patience for a protagonist who lacks all possibility of realizing his desire. The reason is simple: No one believes this of his own life. No one believes he doesn’t have even the smallest chance of fulfilling his wishes. But if we were to pull the camera back on life, the grand overview might lead us to conclude that, in the words of Henry David Thoreau, “The mass of men lead lives of quiet desperation,” that most people waste their precious time and die with the feeling they’ve fallen short of their dreams. As honest as this painful insight may be, we cannot allow ourselves to believe it. Instead, we carry hope to the end.

Hope, after all, is not unreasonable. It’s simply hypothetical. ... We all carry hope in our hearts, no matter the odds against us. A protagonist, therefore, who’s literally hopeless, who hasn’t even the minimal capacity to achieve his desire, cannot interest us.”

When Thor is unable to retrieve Mjolnir and Loki tells him that his return to Asgard has been forbidden, he truly hits rock bottom and becomes hopeless. Both he and the audience feel that there is no way to realize his desire of returning home and taking the throne. 

But then minutes later, both Jane and Dr. Selvig show up to rescue him from detention, and from there hope is found in his newfound friends.

6. The Protagonist Has the Will and Capacity to Pursue the Object of his Conscious and/or Unconscious Desire to the End of the Line, to the Human Limit Established by Setting and Genre.

“The art of story is not about the middle ground, but about the pendulum of existence swinging to the limits, about life lived in its most intense states. We explore the middle ranges of experience, but only as a path to the end of the line. The audience senses that limit and wants it reached. For no matter how intimate or epic the setting, instinctively the audience draws a circle around the characters and their world, a circumference of experience that’s defined by the nature of the fictional reality. This line may reach inward to the soul, outward into the universe, or in both directions at once. The audience, therefore, expects the storyteller to be an artist of vision who can take his story to those distant depths and ranges.”

Just look at the character development we see in Thor from the first movie to Endgame. An immature, hot-headed, entitled boy has matured into a man willing to make any sacrifice, to expend every last drop of sweat, blood, and power not to prove his strength, not even to prove his worth, but to restore balance and justice to the world. 

7. A Story Must Build to a Final Action Beyond Which the Audience Cannot Imagine Another

“In other words, a film cannot send its audience to the street rewriting it. If people exist imagining scenes they thought they should have seen before or after the ending we give them, they will be less than happy moviegoers. We’re supposed to be better writers than they. The audience wants to be taken to the limit, to where all questions are answered, all emotions satisfied--the end of the line. 

The protagonist takes us to this limit. He must have it within himself to pursue his desire to the boundaries of human experience in depth, breadth, or both, to reach absolute and irreversible change. This, by the way, doesn’t mean that your film can’t have sequel; your protagonist may have more tales to tell. It means that each story must find closure for itself.”

It’s 2020 and fanfiction is now mainstream. But not all fanfics are born from dissatisfactory endings. Rather, many of them are born because we yearn to fill in all of the little in-between moments and what-ifs that arise unbidden in our minds because of our love of the work and its characters. 

While I wonder how Thor will continue his life without Asgard, without his people, and most of all, without Loki, a sojourn seems like the best way for a man who has grown up within the confines of court decorum and lofty expectations to find out who he wants to be. And most importantly, Thor has come to terms with the fact that he is not meant to be a leader, and that he is worthy--not necessarily of the throne or of anyone else’s respect/love/loyalty--but that he is worthy of self-respect. To me, this is a satisfactory ending for his character in MCU.

8. The Protagonist Must Be Empathetic; He May or May Not Be Sympathetic

“Sympathetic means likable. Tom Hanks, for example, in his typical role: The moment he steps on screen, we like him. We’d want him as a friend, family member, or lover. He has an innate likability and evoke sympathy. Empathy, however, is a more profound response.

Empathetic means “like me.” Deep within the protagonist the audience recognizes a certain shared humanity. ... There’s something about the character that strikes a chord. In that moment of recognition, the audience suddenly and instinctively wants the protagonist to achieve whatever it is that he desires.”

To be honest, as a MASSIVE Thor fan, the first two movies stayed pretty true to the traditional comic Thor, who was serious, spoke in Ye Olde Englishe, and was such a lofty, justice-driven hero that he was hard to relate to. The Thor of the first two movies wasn’t exactly for everyone. 

However, his complex relationship with Loki is what, in my opinion, managed to make him and Loki in particular empathetic to the audience. To love someone while knowing they are poison, to continue giving them chances when you know full well that it will likely end up harming you, and yet still refusing to give up hope on them, is a bitter battle that many of us face. 

Ragnarok in particular is what cemented Thor’s empathy, but also his sympathy more than anything else. They dropped all of the old-timey speak, got downright silly, and let Hemsworth’s comedic talents shine through to brilliant effect. 

Not only did Ragnarok make Thor one of the most beloved characters in MCU, it also shows Thor’s acceptance of Loki for the trickster that he is. He no longer desires to “fix” Loki, and Loki, who desires acceptance more than anything, finds a new respect for his brother. This makes Loki’s death all the more poignant later, when it seems that the two brothers have finally become able to coexist. 

On Audience Bond

“The audience's emotional involvement is held by the glue of empathy. If the writer fails to fuse a bond between filmgoer and protagonist, we sit outside feeling nothing. Involvement has nothing to do with evoking altruism or compassion. We empathize for very personal, if not egocentric, reasons. When we identify with a protagonist and his desires in life, we are in fact rooting for our own desires in life. ... The gift of story is the opportunity to live lives beyond our own, to desire and struggle in a myriad of worlds and times, at all the various depths of our being. 

...Empathy, therefore, is absolute, while sympathy is optional. ... Likability is no guarantee of audience involvement; it’s merely an aspect of characterization. The audience identifies with deep character, with innate qualities revealed through choice under pressure.”

Thor had a weak audience bond in the first two Thor films, but Ragnarok changed everything. While I’m sad that we veered away from Ye Olde Speche version of him because I have a thing for that, and i will never ever forgive them for cutting his hair because I also have a thing for that, Ragnarok is one of the best Marvel films yet in my opinion because of how much it managed to make Thor empathetic to the audience. 

Anyways, thanks for letting me use this post as an excuse to rant about Thor haha. I hope that using an example like him make these points clearer.

Source: McKee, Robert. Story: Substance, Structure, Style, and the Principles of Screenwriting. York: Methuen, 1998. Print

[brkfstfordinner]

words by Fred

[Au] 

In its most refined form, in function and currency, music is no less valuable gold. 

Growing up, I had pals but my best friends all either held mics and played instruments, or could be completely wiped from existence with a pencil eraser. I wasn’t their friend but they were certainly mine. Blink 182, Pepper Ann, Em, System of a Down, Missy Elliot, Doug, Nas, the Recess gang. And later along the way Kid Cudi, BoJack Horseman, Morty, Lincoln Park, Frank, Mac, Chano, Ye, Tyler, Gene and Louise Belcher. These guys all seemed to ‘get it’ more than most people I actually interacted with every day. They were with me in my room for hours starring at the ceiling after moms would hit the light switch, they were waiting for me every day when I got back home from school and they even occasionally provided a wide range of advice on how to approach not dying a virgin.    

The mic holders, in particular, I think speak to us all in two main ways. When a song is relatable, it means listening to Bryson Tiller’s ‘Don’t Get Too High’ after a breakup and ugly-crying because your estranged girlfriend of 5 years is now a Veuve Clicquot savant and stores every nuance of the French champagne in the part of her brain where she used to house the memories you made together. This is the kind of music you don’t just listen to, you hear it. The songwriting, composition and delivery feel like the artist twisted the lid off your head open, reached into your brain, and used your thoughts to decorate their lyrics.

A song can also be aspirational. This means when Jay-Z boasts, “I have cars I haven’t seen in months… Niggas thought Hova was over, such dummies/ Even if I fell I’d land on a bunch of money,” you can’t quite relate because that isn’t your reality… But, you’re empowered because it makes you feel like it could be. It’s a transfer of energy that makes the dream of wealth, of beauty, of notoriety and abundance, depending on what you’re listening to, feel tangible, even if that feeling is only momentary. It keeps the hope of better days alive.  

There is a third, less cerebral, more visceral level that music connects. You don’t just listen or hear it, you feel it; like a painting or photograph you see and are completely enamoured with but can’t explain why. When it hits, it feels something like Mr. T punching you repeatedly in the stomach, with all his finger-rings on and all of his might. It hurts sometimes but when it gets going, you don’t want it to stop. You can’t explain why you are compelled by it – it’s not always the subject matter, may not quite be the lyrics (if there are any at all), not specifically the melody – you just are. It is its own, almost spiritual language, manifesting itself through any sonic means you are willing to receive it; able to penetrate through all the barriers that separate us from one another. It consoles the inconsolable, it comforts the comfortless.

I happen to believe that the force that makes these fourth-dimension connections possible through art, exists as a raw element floating in the universe, almost in the same way a precious metal occurs in nature. Sure, it’s valuable and has the potential to spark a revolution but it is too unassuming in its natural state to reach most of us. It often needs a vessel that will translate its value before it can be consumed. In the case of a valuable metal like gold, that vessel is a process called extraction; while in the case of music, I believe, it is the sonically inclined who are connected to the universe, that become that vessel.

Bar Macedelic, which is sentimental to me for many reasons, Mac Miller’s Faces mixtape is my favourite of all his projects. From the beginning of his career, Mac always had drug references sprinkled across his music, in the “causal” way we’d known suburban white kids to dabble in the forbidden fruits. This might sound weird but it never occurred to me that he had a real problem until he was on his GO:OD AM media run over a year after the release of Faces and he spoke openly about his mental and physical condition during its recording, and eventually overdosing. Probably because even when Mac candidly and very specifically rapped things like “I've been to hell and back trying to get attached to my better half/ Never that, the smile’s so gone, so bring the coke on”, the delivery and attention to detail that carried these words were always so masterful that it didn’t seem consistent with the image you have in your head of an addict. Also, you never ever got the sense that Mac was glorifying the use of the stuff. It was always more like he was speaking openly about himself in the sometimes quirky, sometimes dark candour that he always did and drugs just happened to be a part of that reality. Insomnia, nostalgia, melancholy, space, Bill Murray, and euphoria were also parts of that microcosm. The bluntness never shocked me. If anything, it was consoling that here was this guy who was at the top of the world with access to everything and anything he could possibly fathom and yet, the degree of separation between us and him seemed minimal. He had the same questions about life than I did. But, he was processing all of it and fashioning it into something beautiful.

Here he was, essentially taking the universe’s proverbial ore and through the painstaking, emotionally and mentally exhausting process of creating (not unlike gold extraction), turning pain, love, uncertainty and all the raw materials he was interacting with in the universe into pure gold. For him, quite literally because it made him a fortune, but for me (and others) it was gold because it felt at times like it was necessary for my sanity. More than something nice to hear or look at, the product of this alchemy became a tool.

There is a high cost to those who allow themselves to be vessels for this kind of transcendent communication though. As human beings, we each have the profound capacity to feel intensely; love, regret, ecstasy, shame, sorrow. These emotions are often reactions to our experiences and need to be felt in order to emerge from them into a place of relative peace. In practice, many of us don’t exhaust our capacity to be present in our feelings because the cost is too high. It’s why we stop ourselves from loving as hard as we could. It’s why we’d rather front than confront that we’ve deeply hurt or been hurt by someone. It’s why we’d rather get dumb-wasted than deal with personal traits that make us feel shitty about ourselves. Being completely vulnerable is not only painfully crippling but also actively requires a lot of work.  

Music that accesses this dimension is almost always the result of an artist aggressively exploring their full capacity to feel. They give themselves completely to their emotions, often at a personal expense, and let the results of that process bleed onto pieces of paper, through instrumentation and into microphones. It’s harrowing and traumatic and exhilarating and once the piece of art is complete, we are ecstatic to receive it and that’s where it ends for us (the consumer). Except, that’s not actually where it ends. Because after the lengthy, complex process that is the extraction of gold from rock ore, there is an industrial vessel that is left filled with all the impurities and by-products of the process. The muck and dirt that had to be gathered somewhere so that this timeless, valuable metal that literally builds (and destroys) economies and will be used for fashioning jewelry and shaping the electronic and aerospace industries, can exist. Whose job is it to attend to that vessel? To make sure that the wear and tear of the strenuous process is not causing it to corrode internally with each cycle? Who makes the call to maintenance to find out if the vessel has been serviced after the gold has been dispatched to buyers and we’ve moved on to focusing on the Pateks and satellites it’s been for? Or, as Kendrick so poignantly put it on ‘Feel’:

“I feel like the whole world wants me to pray for ‘em

But who the fuck praying for me?”

There isn’t much I could have personally done to help Mac. Even though one day he got on the piano and played a beautiful ballad for me in my living that got me to call mother when I was being a shitty son, or that he talked me into reminding myself who the fuck I was one afternoon when I almost abandoned a project I was passionate about, the reality is I didn’t know him. And he certainly had no idea who I was. But there are people around me who I can call or go see. There are people who I interact with every other day who are vessels for gold. And we should all make it our collective responsibility to not just admire shiny stuff but also really try to take care of each other holistically. Put a call in. Get a hug in. Be kinder to one another. Listen more.

Because we rob the world and ourselves of our gold when we don’t take care of each other.  

Rest in Peace, Mac. Rest in Peace,   Pro.  Rest in Peace ,Sharpa.  Rest in Peace, Sammy. Forever with us.

[drunklander]

Drunj!Der Yells About Outlander

Thoughts on Ep. 305

That’s it. That’s my thought. I have nothing more to say about this episode.

Obvi kidding. BUT SERIOUSLY, THE END OF THIS EPISODE!

This episode, for me, is like last year’s finale in that I liked it, but it made me dislike the Claire stuff in the prior episodes even more by comparison. Like from now on my own personal headcanon is that Claire’s story goes from ep. 213 straight to ep. 305 and I feel like I wouldn’t really be missing out on anything super important. Except I *do* feel like I’m missing out on super important stuff, but what I feel like I’m missing can’t be found by watching the previous episodes.

Everything in this episode feels like the culmination of things the show chose not to go into. So like we get the destination, but without the depth and meaning that would have come from seeing the journey.

Like Claire and Joe are obviously awesome friends. But we know literally nothing about Joe except that he’s Claire’s friend. We can infer a bunch of stuff about him and their friendship just based on the fact that he’s a black man becoming a surgeon and she’s a woman doing the same, but that’s not the same thing as actually investing in and building that relationship, and showing how they’ve become so close that he’s the only person Claire will talk to about Jamie. Geillis and Mary and Louise all got to be more fully formed characters in prior seasons in addition to being Claire’s friend. And I’m really bummed we didn’t get the same with Joe.

We see Claire being badass as a surgeon, but like none of what it took to get her there. Healing is at the core of who Claire is. To jump over her reaching the peak of her calling seems like a wasted opportunity to really get into how fully embracing that part of herself gave her purpose in her 20th century life when she didn’t feel like she had any.

Bree and Claire have some really intense conversations and we see them bond and Bree manages to not make me hate her. But we are missing 20 years of their relationship. What was it like between them when Claire was in med school? What was it like between them after Frank died but before they went to Scotland? Bree has said she noticed that Claire had walls up or was distant, but we don’t see that as Bree is growing up because we really don’t see Bree growing up.

So yeah. Overall I liked the episode (seriously, the end of it is basically perfect!), but I feel like all the pieces leading up to this episode are missing. And that makes me a bit sad. But what’s aired has aired and fanfic exists so I guess that’s what I’ll be diving into during the week off before ep. 306.

Rambling and nonsense under the cut...

I am so here for crafty!Claire. Like this woman makes ornaments for her daughter’s first Christmas! She makes Halloween and pageant costumes! Claire is not someone who has been into crafts before, but it’s clearly something she does for her daughter because she loves her. It’s adorable and shows just how great a mom she is. *side eyes a certain other parent who implies otherwise and is wrong*

I know there’s more to being a parent than making ornaments and costumes but shoosh, let me love that Claire made all these things for Bree.

The surgery scene is great not just because it’s awesome to see Claire in her element, but because it shows so much about her as a character. She’s meant for this shit. This is who she is. And she’s damn good at it and knows what needs to be done and is confident enough in her abilities to do just that even if it’s risky and others wouldn’t make the same call. Fuck yeah Dr. Claire!

The history lecture could probably be shorter, but I’m a Masshole who loves history and lives along Dawes’ route, so I’m here for on the nose story time.

Bree’s professor is literally the one dude in this whole season (excepting Joe and Roger, of course) who isn’t a complete piece of shit. Like he’s literally doing the bare minimum in caring about Bree as a student and the daughter of a friend, but comparatively it makes him seem awesome. Like high fives for recognizing and validating Bree having earned her spot at the school and knowing there’s clearly something going on rather than just being like oh hey, a lady student is failing. Because lady brain.

Bree remembering Frank when she gets back to the house and is smelling the pipe and looking at the pictures and stuff is like the perfect amount of Frank. In that Frank’s not even there and yet we get everything we need, haha. Like look how much comes across with no dialogue. It’s clear she loves and misses him, and that they had a close relationship. And since he’s dead now and doesn’t matter anymore, that’s really all we need to know about the two of them. And Claire’s side of that marriage is also pretty clear from what we’d already seen outside of eps 301-303. So like yeah, Frank should have been in some of the earlier episodes, but it was kind of a waste to spend as much time on him as they did at the expense of the relationships with people and things who aren’t dead and irrelevant by a quarter of the way through the season.

So even though we don’t know anything really about Joe, he *is* basically what Claire needs in this episode. Claire until this point has been like doing nothing but trying to please other people for the past two decades and she’s going to be making a huge decision that’s something *she* wants to do and kind of needs that validation that this doesn’t make her a selfish or bad person. So yeah, I wish we had more of their relationship, but I’m always and forever going to be #TeamJoe.

The change in Claire’s face in between “as Scottish as they come” and “as serious as it comes” kills me. Like she’s openly talking about Jamie! And smiling about his memory! And then look how sad she gets because of what she lost and what she might never have again! *throws awards at Balfe*

*debates getting fuck fate tattooed somewhere*

But yeah. The three convos with Joe throughout the episode are almost like therapy for Claire. (Which like, don’t treat your friends like your therapist. Get an actual therapist.) But show!Joe doesn’t seem to mind, so I’m still here for any screen time they’ll give him. But as he keeps asking Claire questions, it’s clear he’s asking because he cares, not because he feels like he’s owed an answer. Unlike some other character we’re acquainted with. *side eyes Frank’s ghost*

And Claire opens up a bit more each time as she gets more and more committed to going back. Because like it’s becoming more real and talking about Jamie is no longer something that she can’t do like it has been for so long. Like how fucked up must it have been for her to be friends with this dude for 15 years and never be able to share such a massive part of her life with him? I want that story. I want to see them becoming friends and Joe sharing about his life and the toll it takes on Claire to really like this person but never fully be able to open up.

Hey, it’s Roger! Oh man, $2.50 won’t get out out of the Logan taxi pick up zone, haha. I swear it’s like almost a $50 cab ride from Logan to my apt so I am jeals of Roger’s fare. (Not that I really take cabs over the T, but still...) Moving on...

I get Roger not wanting to tell Claire or Bree what he found before he came, but like, dude. A small heads up probs would have been a good idea. Just sayin’.

I feel like the fight over Harvard would work better if they were fighting over Bree *wanting* to withdraw and move out. Because she’s already done it and found a new place to live when Roger shows up. But the fight itself seems like something that would have happened earlier in the process? Unless finding an apartment in Boston is infinitely easier in 1968 than 2017? I get Claire’s reaction though. Like Bree, you’re clearly struggling. That’s ok. But dropping out of school and moving away is maybe not the most healthy way to deal with it? Like maybe just take a semester off to figure some stuff out?

Although bonus points to Roger for suiting up for the occasion. Barney Stinson would be proud.

I love Roger’s scenes with Claire, although compared to his scenes with Bree it defintely feels like he’s much more on Claire’s level than Bree’s. As much as I love show!Roger, they still haven’t sold me him and Bree together.

Basically I just ship Roger and whisky. A ship which is basically canon, tbh.

Excited puppy!Roger is adorable. Like look how his face lights up when he’s telling Claire about Jamie. You’re a good pupper, Roger.

Ok but then look at Claire’s face when she’s absorbing this news. Like holy shit. She goes from like omg this is real, I could see Jamie again, I can allow myself to hope, this could be my life again to holy shit that would make me the worst mother on the planet how could I possibly do that to Bree in like 2 seconds. *throws awards at Balfe*

And when she does speak, I just want to hug her. Because like there are two super powerful things going on. She’s obviously not actually being harsh *at Roger.* (I mean, she is, but that’s not the point of the scene.) She’s basically admonishing herself for ever having been open to trying to find Jamie because that means she was also open to leaving Bree. And if that didn’t give her pause, then she’s not the good mother and good person she is. (Not perfect by any stretch, but good.)

And even looking past just having to leave Bree, with the exception of med school, every choice Claire has made in the past 20 years has basically been about trying to make other people happy. Frank. Frank’s boss. Frank’s coworkers. Bree. And all the while she’s been told that she’s a bad mother and a selfish person and that she isn’t doing enough. And that’ll fuck a person up a bit. So like when presented with this choice, she sees that going back to Jamie is the best choice for *her,* but with all of her baggage, she also sees choosing Jamie as selfish and she feels guilty for considering it.

And then there’s the “I could have lived the rest of my life not knowing.” stuff and saying she wouldn’t be able to go through losing Jamie again. This is the reasoning why I eventually bought into her initially calling off the search. Because she knows what a precarious position she’s in emotionally. And if she takes that leap and it doesn’t work out, then the half-life she’s built for herself, that she’s convinced herself is good enough, will be shattered.

Seriously, Claire bear, you need a hug and some whisky and for it to be the end of the episode already. Because girl, you’ve had it *rough.*

Roger also needs a hug when he says “How can I help? What can I do?”. His face. Look at it. Hugs for everyone. And more whisky.

I like the shot with the pearls and I’m headcanoning it that that’s when she actually makes up her mind that she’s going to go back and the rest of the episode is like her trying to find validation in that choice. Like she knows it’s what she wants to do but she needs to know that she’s not a terrible person for doing it. And that’s very human.

Not gonna lie, I wasn’t really a fan of the bit with the bones in the book, and I’m still not really a fan of it in the show. Like yes, it’s Geillis. And we’ll see it play out at the end of the season. But like, I don’t really care? The mystical healing powers stuff isn’t really my jam so setting that up kind of is meh to me? The reveal at the end of the seaon isn’t cool or exciting or important enough, in my opinion, to merit funtimes with skeletons? Idk.

But points to Joe’s for not judging Claire *at all* for Bree not being Frank’s. Like he’s just like oh, yeah, this makes so much sense. Of course this is how things are. Zero judgment. All support. You know, how friends should behave. You go, Glen Coco.

“Do you still love him?” “I never stopped.” HE NEVER STOPPED LOVING YOU EITHER AND YOU’LL SEE HIM AGAIN SOOOOOOON!!!

The Dark Shadows thing is a bit too on the nose, show. Like I’m rolling my eyes at you a little bit. Although as a fan of garbage TV, I’m here for Roger being into garbage TV.

“Look at these cloister things! They’re an iconic Harvard thing except for, you know, not existing at Harvard!” (Seriously, they couldn’t have found a location that vaguely looked like Harvard? I mean, it still doesn’t really bug me and I’m just being a dick for the sake of being a dick, but it’s just *so off*.)

“But hey! Fun fact: I never actually liked history! Luckily I hear there’s a different school a few T stops away where I can do this architecture or engineering thing I seem to be so into and measure things in smoots!” (And yes, I did hit the googs to make sure smoots would already be a thing in 1968. And the original smoot’ing was in 1958 so we’re all good. The bad joke stays in.)

For real though, it’s good to see Bree actually excited about something. Like Bree! Instead of dropping out of college because you don’t know who you are, you just switch majors or transfer and start doing the thing you seem to actually love. I feel like that could help you find your own identity. Just a thought.

Ok. I hate this scene at the ceremony. Fucking. Hate. It. With the passion of 1,000 fiery suns. Seriously. What the actual fuck. Why is this bullshit in here. Just fucking let Frank stay dead. Why the fuck are you wasting time in the one episode that’s actually about Claire by having her go to a thing for Frank. Is the production team’s Frank-boner really this big? Of course it fucking is. Uh, guys? If your Frank-boner lasts this long, you’re supposed to seek medical attention BECAUSE WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU SO OBSESSED WITH AN INCONSEQUENTIAL CHARACTER WHO IS AN EMOTIONALLY ABUSIVE JACKASS.

Seriously. This scene is just a giant fuck you to Claire as a character. Like we already got three fucking episodes of Frank and his bullshit and this is supposed to be about her and her choices and her emotional journey but no. Frank needs to make a fucking appearance even though he’s fucking dead. THIS IS THE FUCKING WORST.

And also fuck Frank’s girlfriend. She sucks too. She gets zero sympathy from me. (And this is probs going to get me some angry anons, but whatever.)

First of all, Frank would absolutely have *loved* seeing a room full of people jizzing themselves over how great he is. That’s like his fucking recurring wet dream. And if you don’t know that, you’re a fucking idiot.

And you’re seriously going pull this shit with his wife in public like this? Super mature, lady. Go fuck yourself.

And all this bullshit you’re spewing? NONE OF THIS IS ON CLAIRE. THE ONLY PERSON RESPONSIBLE FOR FRANK NOT LEAVING CLAIRE TO BE WITH YOU IS FRANK, YOU COMPLETE WASTE OF SEVERAL MINUTES OF EPISODE RUN TIME. If you had these issues with your relationship with Frank, you should have fucking TAKEN THEM UP WITH FRANK WHILE HE WAS ALIVE.

Like I don’t care how much “poor me, look how much of a martyr I am” bullshit Frank fed this woman or what parallels the production team was trying to force or what “people perceive things differently” nonsense they thought they were going for. Whatever her name is went into the relationship knowing Frank was married. Knowing that he wasn’t going to leave his wife, or at least not until like years and years later. Like, you went into that situation with your eyes wide open, honey. Just like Frank doesn’t get to be a piece of shit to Claire when Bree finally turns 18, you don’t get to be a piece of shit to Claire here.

Frank was the love of your life? Congratulations, you have tremendously shitty taste in men. Seriously though, this fucker didn’t leave him after the bullshit at the graduation party? Because most women would have been like bye, Felicia for being so fucking disrespectful to everyone involved.

My Frank-hate aside, the *only* thing this scene even accomplishes is to have Bree ask about Frank’s girlfriend so she and Claire can have the talk about loving Bree. Like you could have easily figured out a less fucking obnoxious way to pull that off, show. Fuuuuuuuck it’s the fucking worst.

This had better be the last time you make me rage about Frank, show. Because I thought I’d already ranted my last Frank rant and then you pull this shit.

Ok. Deep breaths. Moving on...

Claire’s really good in the convo with Bree though. Like the difference in parenting between her and Frank is so striking. Claire’s like reassuring her daughter that no matter what was going on between her and Frank, Frank loved Bree more than anything. Meanwhile Frank went out of his way to undermine Claire as a parent. Ugh, fuck that guy.

Also between the plaid skirt in the scene at the beginning of the episode and this pirate shirt and plaid cloak thingy, it seems like part of Bree’s method of processing her identity crisis is to cosplay her mom with that Hot Topic line of Outlander clothes, haha.

Slash thanks for not sucking here, Bree. Because Claire wouldn’t go unless she was *sure* Bree would be ok.

“How do you take a trip like that, and come back to life as you knew it?” Well that *is* the question, Joe... I really do like this bit with the moon/astronauts though.

For real though, the music and her staring up at the moon made me feel things.

Oh Claire, don’t worry, you’ll get to see Bree’s wedding and kids and all that jazz. Super duper up close and personal. But I do like her just letting it all out there.

And I think Bree really knows that she needs to explicitly tell Claire she wants her to go. Which makes me warm slightly to Bree. Like way to be receptive of what your mom is clearly feeling.

Slash fuck yeah Bree finally appreciating how awesome Claire is. I am always here for people who appreciate Claire.

“What if he’s forgotten me? What if he doesn’t love me anymore?” Ok so like Claire *knows* that Jamie loved her as much as she loved him. And she *knows* how she still feels. And she *knows* that if she were to find him, he’d probably feel the same way. But 20 years is a long time, and those little insecurities don’t listen to rational thought. So for me it played like a really vulnerable, human moment.

“I need a second opinion.” “What’s the case?” “I need to know if I’m still hot.” (Sorry.) I like this convo for a couple reasons. Like it’s cool that Claire is apparently such good friends with Joe that she can ask this and he can answer and it doesn’t make it weird for either of them. And then there’s the fact that it shows just how different this Claire is from the Claire we left at the stones at Culloden. Claire has spent 20 years basically putting on a mask for people with the right hair and the right make up and “looking pretty when she meets the boss” and with Frank’s added bullshit about not being a good enough actress, she has had it ingrained into her that she’s not good enough. And now that she has the chance to be back with the one person who loved her for who she truly was, she doesn’t think that she’ll be good enough for him. Which is heartbreaking.

Seriously, I will never understand people who don’t realize how badly Frank fucked Claire up.

Casual jokes about witch trials when the show has committed to just calling her a witch on the reg... Made me chuckle for the wrong reason.

I love that Claire immediately knows that the necklace is Bree’s birthstone. It’s probs the least clunky way to drop the gemstones tidbit in? Still clunky but at least they brought up the ring?

Claire getting sassy about her sewing skills is my everything.

Also, the Batman music is cheesy af but I kind of like it?

Well played in that one interview though, Balfe. Well. Played.

Ok so Claire looking at herself in the mirror is like such a nice inversion of her looking at herself in ep. 301. In the premiere she was trying so hard to look like someone else. The someone she was “supposed” to be. And here all she wants is to look like herself. Specifically the version of herself she was when she could be most fully herself. 

Although with the hair dying thing, are we going to be blessed with Claire’s roots slowly growing out over the course of the rest of the season? Somehow I doubt it, haha.

Fuck yeah dresses with pockets. Dresses with pockets are the best ever. Everyone should have a dress with pockets. #TeamPockets

Slash I’m so glad they changed it to have Claire like actually put thought into her outfit. It kind of bugged me that in the book she was like yep, this chintzy off the rack dress is totally the best thing to go back in. Like I actually yaaas’ed at Bree’s line about Claire making it out of rain coats. Because in the book there’s definitely a line about how Claire wishes she’d had her cloak or something made with a waterproof layer and I was always like uh, Claire? How did you *not* do that? So good job, show.

And I kind of love that she’s taking Bree’s pirate shirt back with her.

Smooth exit, Roger, lol. But so sweet.

The line about her experiences going through the stones is beautiful.

It makes me feel things that Bree referred to Jamie as her father when she tells Claire to give him a kiss from her. Because her “my father”-s had usually been about Frank.

Ok I really have nothing but flaily fangirling left to say from here on out, lol.

The pearls bit was lovely.

Roger seriously needs to quit his job and just run a whisky bar. You know you want to, Roger. Embrace your true calling.

Gah, Claire touching her lips to say goodbye to Bree just like she did at Lallybroch when she was trying to start saying goodbye to Jamie. Kill me, show. Kill me why don’t you.

I’m still not that invested in Bree and Roger as a couple. But this was Bree’s strongest episode and I love that Roger bought her a copy of A Christmas Carol because he remembered what Claire said about their old traditions.

(Slash lobster rolls are such a summer food in my head that it’s so weird to see Roger eating one at Christmas.)

I usually don’t like the prologues to the books, but I do really like the use of this one as the transition.

Everything about the end of this episode is perfect. Fucking perfect.

Like the second Claire steps out of that carriage and looks around at the bustling 18th century street, you can see the weight of the past 20 years lift. Like look at the change in her face compared to how she was in Boston. She’s finally home and it’s fucking beautiful.

Carfax Clooooooooose. It’s so clooooooose. You’re almost there, Claire!

For real though *throws awards at Balfe* again for the scene of her walking up the stairs. The excitement and nerves and relief and anticipation and joy and all the emotions. How the fuck does she do that. It’s fucking amazing.

And her checking her hair before she goes in is just such a perfect, small detail.

Seriously, everything about this is perfect.

OMFG HER FACE WHEN SHE HEARS JAMIE’S VOICE. LOOK AT IT. OMGGGGG.

AND HER EMOTIONS AS SHE WALKS OVER AND SHE SEES HIM AND OMG HER FACE IS MADE OF MAGIC AND FEELINGS AND *THROWS AWARDS AT BALFE*

AND JAMIE STRAIGHTENING UP JUST A LITTLE WHEN HE HEARS HER. BUT NOT TURNING AROUND UNTIL HE HEARS HER SAY CLAIRE. BECAUSE HE’S AFRAID IT MIGHT BE A VISION AGAIN.

AND THEN IT’S HER AND HER FACE AND HIS FACE AND JUST FUCKING LOOK AT THEIR FACES OMFG I’M DYING. I AM DECEASED.

And I’m glad they had him faint now. Because in the book it kind of like interrupts the flow of things because they talk and then he faints and idk, I never cared for the fainting. Like I would have been fine if they cut it all together. But at least by having him faint here before they actually get into things, in the next episode we can just dive in and be murdered by feelings in the best way possible.

AAAHHHHHHHHHH THEY’RE FINALLY BACK TOGETHERRRRRRRRR

[superrichlads]

about Niall: the solo era

HITS DAILY DOUBLE, SEPTEMBER 2016: ″Niall Horan is indeed inking with Steve Barnett's Capitol following another fierce signing derby… The word from people who’ve heard Niall’s record is that it’s outstanding.”

HITS DAILY DOUBLE, SEPTEMBER 2016: “Coming just after UMG’s A&R meetings in Hampshire, UK, Horan’s release is the first offering from a very important worldwide signing for the company and one of the top records of the meetings, according to many of the attendees.”

AMY WADGE, NOVEMBER 2016: “Niall’s a cracking writer, he’s got a great voice, he’s kind of got a Paul Simon thing going on, so I think there’ll be elements of country within [his album], because that’s what he likes, but at the moment he’s recording, and he’s smashing it, he’s doing so well.”

DON WAS, BLUE NOTE PRESIDENT & RECORD PRODUCER, DECEMBER 2016: "He showed up with a bunch of really great songs he wrote, he sings really well… He was thoroughly professional, humble and sweet. He spent time talking with all the musicians, hung out -- everybody loved him… He's the real deal, man. I'm so impressed with this guy."

CHRIS MARTIN, (COLDPLAY), DECEMBER 2016: “I really honestly feel that everything is a touchstone. Whether it’s Chopin or Niall from One Direction, if it’s good I’ll listen to it, and I’ll love it.”

JOE RAINEY, CAPITOL RECORDS VP PROMOTION, MARCH 2017: “I’m excited for what he’s gonna be creating, because in the few times I’ve met with him, that’s a remarkably talented man.”

GARY TRUST, BILLBOARD CO-DIRECTOR OF CHARTS, MARCH 2017: “Even if This Town is not a number one record at Top 40, it sound like to me, because it’s so intimate, I have a feeling that it’s a lot of people’s favourite song… it seems like it could really hit people on a really deep level.”

GOLF DIGEST, MARCH 2017: “One of the music industry's biggest stars—the first artist to debut at No. 1 on Billboard's Social 50 Chart with his single This Town late last year.”

LINE OF BEST FIT, MAY 2017:  “Niall Horan's new track ‘Slow Hands’ wipes the floor with all the other solo sounds that have emerged since the demise of One Direction. It's one of the year's first proper Song Of The Summer contenders and sees Horan ditch balladeering for slinky riffs and proper raunch. He's shed his squeaky clean onesie and donned a crooner coat, giving us one of the coolest, catchiest choruses of 2017 in the process.”

BILLBOARD, MAY 2017: “Slow Hands doesn’t just put his voice in a bit of a new light, the grittier, funkier tune also presents Horan’s versatility as a solo artist."

ELVIS DURAN, Z100 MORNING SHOW, MAY 2017: “When we saw you, way back at - was it Jingle Ball, in New York City? And of all the people I talked to that night and interviewed, you were the nicest, you were the nicest guy. And I just wanted - I’ve been waiting all these months to say thank you.”

RYAN SEACREST, MAY 2017: “Niall, when he comes in, to me he has the most charisma of all of them… he’s got that, he’s super-nice, and super-normal for being in One Direction and having the solo thing.”

DON HENLEY, MAY 2017: “Niall is a solid guy whose focus is right where it ought to be: on songwriting. He’s got the Irish charm and a healthy, self-effacing sense of humor, which is an essential ­survival tool in this business. I think that Niall will evolve into a resonant, thoughtful voice for his generation.”

DON WAS, MAY 2017: “Niall’s got the stuff… He drove himself to the studio, carried his own guitar, stepped up to the microphone and was great every take. If they do the Desert Trip festival in 50 years, he’ll be headlining.”

STEVE BARNETT, CAPITOL RECORDS CHAIRMAN & CEO, MAY 2017: “The absolute top in terms of professionalism, thoughtfulness, work ethic and appreciating what he’s got. You’d be proud if he was your son.”

SHAWN MENDES, MAY 2017: “I’m pretty nervous in front of other celebrities still, but he’s so calm and chill… We just started jamming out, and it didn’t feel like, ‘Oh, I’ve got to be good in front of him.’ It was complete fun, no ego, like the reason you play music in the first place.”

ELVIS DURAN, MAY 2017: “I’ll never forget this moment, when This Town - when you first released This Town… this was the first time I’d seen you perform solo, and you came out on stage - Madison Square Garden, not a bad room… you came out on stage by yourself, you and your guitar, it was just you, your guitar, and one little light shining on you, in this huge, huge arena, and you sang that song, and I was thinking: this is probably the most pure, wonderful performance we’re going to hear in a long time. I still, I still - look, I get goosebumps. When you sung the song earlier today, it took me back to that performance… you came out and sang that song and I was thinking: this guy is it, that was it, and that was the perfect song to launch with… that song, it speaks volumes about you, because it’s such a gentle, wonderful song.”

ELVIS DURAN, MAY 2017: “You sound so fantastic that no one believes that it’s live, they think we’re playing a track.”

CLARA AMFO, BBC RADIO 1, JUNE 2017: “I’ve been saying to the listeners, I do appreciate the approach you’ve taken with your solo stuff. No shade to the other guys, but you didn’t really make a big fuss, there wasn’t like these big teasers, you just kind of slyly did it, just casual, you were just chilled with it, I rate that.”

TMRW, JUNE 2017: “For a man so adored and so blindingly good at what he does, he’s modest as anything. Except for golf, he knows he’s good at golf.”

TANYA KIM, ENTERTAINMENT NOW, JUNE 2017: “This Town is one of my favourite songs of all time. Ever. In the existence of music. I have to say it’s so beautiful.”

NOTION, JUNE 2017: “Having travelled around Asia and relocated to LA, Niall is more than ready to re-enter the world of pop, and he’s doing it with surprising finesse. When he released his second single, ‘Slow Hands’, at the beginning of May, the world was taken aback. It wasn’t some radical departure from his work in 1D, it was a more mature, nuanced version of that same guitar music meets pop sound they’d come to specialise in, and more importantly it was great.”

SHANIA TWAIN, JULY 2017: “He's really wonderful. He's very organic and natural... He's a sweetheart and we get along really well. We need to write together. I think that would be a really successful, creative time.”

JULIA MICHAELS, JULY 2017:  “He actually told me he was going to cover [Issues] when we did a show together in Minneapolis and I was so flattered, and then when I heard his kind of organic approach to it I was like: oh, this is so magical. Plus, his voice is everything.”

STEVE BRAUNIAS, SPINOFF, JULY 2017: “Is Niall the best solo artist to come out of One Direction? Yes, yes he is... Life after 1D has seen Harry playing Jesus to the lepers in his head, walking on water in that endless video to his endless ballad, looking all profound and troubled and beautiful. ZZZZZZZZZZ! But good old Niall packed up his 1D bag containing a bottle of peroxide remover and got on with the business of making simple, awesome pop. ‘This Town’ was Niall as the sensitive singer-songwriter picking on his guitar. Follow-up ‘Slow Hands’ is Niall laying down a sexy falsetto to a sexy lyric, although it does include the weird line, “like sweat dripping down our dirty laundry”. There’s a raunchy version on Ellen featuring a cat on wah-wah guitar, and the one on One Love Manchester is even better – it shows Niall in his element, a  relaxed cat in a hat, in total control of his art. If it wasn’t for ‘Bad Liar’, this would have been the best song of 2017 so far.”

RAISA BRUNER, TIME MAGAZINE, SEPTEMBER 2017: “For a small country, Ireland is on a roll lately bringing out talented, moody male solo artists. First there was Hozier. Then there was the grown-up Niall Horan.”

DAVE FAWBERT, SHORTLIST, OCTOBER 2017:  “Niall, all round top lad who, in every single interview that I’ve read, has never failed to come across as anything other than a nice bloke. Having somewhat been in the shadow of Harry and Zayn in the band, his solo career has seen him move from unfancied outsider to the man most likely to be the biggest of all of them. ‘This Town’? Delicate, beautiful track. ‘Slow Hands’? Legit brilliant song. And the rest of Flicker, his debut album? Genuinely really really good.”

ZOE GILLESPIE, CAPITOL RECORDS SENIOR MANAGER, DIGITAL MARKETING, OCTOBER 2017: “talent hard work integrity respect patience hard work talent.”

CHARLES KELLEY, (LADY ANTEBELLUM), NOVEMBER 2017: “I think I may have to head up the Niall Horan fan club after tonight! Killed it at the Ryman... One of the best concerts I’ve seen in a long time, Niall Horan. Thank god for good musicians in this world.”

DAVE FAWBERT, SHORTLIST, DECEMBER 2017: “[Slow Hands] is an absolutely bloody brilliant song. Great groove, great chorus, an absolute giant earworm and no mistaking. And the rest of the album’s great too.”

KATIE LOUISE SMITH, POPBUZZ, DECEMBER 2017: [Flicker] is fucking brilliant and dare I say it, the BEST One Direction solo album so far... it was a bold move to dive head first into this ‘not-quite-pop, not-quite-rock, little-bit-country, little-bit-folk’ genre and many wondered if his fans would follow along with him. (Spoiler alert: They did. In their millions.) While you can clearly hear the influences on the album, it doesn’t sound like a who’s who of Niall paying tribute to his favourite bands… it sounds like a Niall Horan album. He’s not trying too hard. It’s cohesive. It feels genuine. It feels authentic. And you know what, it just feels right. ‘Slow Hands’ is without a doubt one of the best songs the year, he puts Ed Sheeran’s penchant for an Irish folk bop to shame on ‘On My Own’. Even his foray into country music with Maren Morris on ‘Seeing Blind’ had the entire population of Nashville inviting the Irish Prince round for Thanksgiving.”

CHRISTOPHER BUSCHER, ARTMAG, DECEMBER 2017: “[Niall] doesn’t waste time trying to be so edgy and so raunchy and just concentrates on making properly good folk-pop music.”

ANDY CUSH, SPIN, DECEMBER 2017:  “No one expected the blonde and boyish Niall Horan to emerge as the breakout artist after the breakup of One Direction last year, not from a band that also included two ridiculously good-looking born stars in Zayn Malik and Harry Styles... but neither has released anything quite as good as “Slow Hands,” Horan’s sexy and soulful second single. He brings convincing grit to a track that bends the industry’s current fetish for the sounds of the ‘70s a little further from Studio 54 and closer to Muscle Shoals, with a simple but swaggering rhythm section and infectious blues guitar line.”

DAN JACKSON, THRILLIST, DECEMBER 2017:  “Who will be the biggest star to emerge from One Direction? It's still too early to say -- post-break-up careers are a marathon, not a race -- but Niall Horan makes a convincing play for the grownup John Mayer zone on "Slow Hands," an acoustic guitar-driven R&B track about his skills as a lover.”

TAYLOR WEATHERBY, BILLBOARD, DECEMBER 2017:  “Bringing out his sexy side with daring lyrics, sultry vocals and a thumping, bluesy guitar hook was definitely worth the risk, as [Slow Hands] landed Horan his first No. 1 Pop Songs hit as a solo artist, and set the scene for his debut LP Flicker to arrive atop the Billboard 200 in October.”

STEVE BARNETT, CAPITOL RECORDS CHAIRMAN & CEO, JANUARY 2018: “We had the support of [Niall’s manager] Richard Griffiths in buying into the idea that we’re going to be three singles deep before we release the album, and he’s going to go around the world three times and try to touch those fans. Niall is really a unique young man, who’s developed a great relationship with the whole company. He’s beloved at this label. There’s a vulnerability and an authenticity about [Niall’s music]. The band’s fans could relate to that. Those transitions [from boy band to solo star] aren’t easy.”

JOHN BIRD, FEBRUARY 2018: “[One Direction] was obviously an incredible experience for him, he got to see the world… I think he really embraced it, you know, his personality allowed him to enjoy it, and yeah, he just seems very, very happy that it all happened. I don’t feel any negativity towards it at all, and like I said, we’re just lucky to get a little part of that experience, you know.”

RON HART, BILLBOARD, APRIL 2018:  "There’s no denying the Knopfler-isms of ‘On the Loose’, perhaps the strongest single off Niall Horan’s thoroughly impressive and organic solo debut Flicker."

LEWIS CAPALDI, JULY 2018:  "I say this in a few interviews, but Niall Horan is the nicest guy I’ve met in music, just the way that he carries himself is ridiculous. He’s just so nice."

JOSEPH BRYANT, OUT & ABOUT NASHVILLE, JULY 2018: “Heartfelt and honest, Horan shows a soft, sentimental side. His maturity as a musician really comes through [on So Long]. Reminiscent of those best parts of John Mayer, Horan is making his mark as the smooth charmer the soft rock/pop genre this generation is lacking. He has a fantastic career ahead of him.”

GERRY MORGAN, 180 DRUMS PODCAST, SEPTEMBER 2018: “The first time I heard one of his tracks I was driving – a car, believe it or not, and it came on the radio – it was called This Town, and I pulled over on the side of the road and I remember listening to it and I went – that is a beautiful song. And I kept on listening and at the end the DJ went, in usual DJ fashion, ‘and that was a little song by Niall Horan’, and I just texted him and said, ’This Town, I didn’t realise that was you, that’s a beautiful song and singing’. And yeah, it was a very innocent – not innocent, that’s the wrong word, there was a very pure and authentic style of writing there that I really loved from a songwriter that kind of really ticked all of the boxes for me. So yeah, I met him, we did a lot of stuff just the two of us, went out and did a lot of shows, a lot of promo runs and such, some studio stuff, and we had a really great time I’d jump at doing [anything with him again…] I was just really super-excited to represent him – I was excited because he was coming from such a pop background, like boy band vocal group pop to becoming a legit singer-songwriter, standing up there fronting his own band, with a guitar and a great voice, and he’s Irish as well, and I was just really proud and excited for people to hear what he was going to come out with – because I knew what he was going to come out with, and it was legit, and I just thought that people – other musicians and friends of mine were dubious because of maybe where he had come from, but I was like – nah, wait until you hear this. And the record has done so well, and I’m super proud of him.”

MUST MUSIC, DECEMBER 2018:  “At the start of this year, Irish singer Niall Horan scored another success with Too Much To Ask, third single from his album Flicker. A remix of this ballad topped the dance club chart, and Niall also charted on Pop & AC radio. Many doubted Niall as a solo artist, but in the end he has proven to be the strongest – commercially speaking – of the members of boy band One Direction.”

RUTHANNE CUNNINGHAM, DEEP DIVING WITH EOGHAN MCDERMOTT PODCAST, MAY 2019:  “I remember when they played me what they had started [Slow Hands], I was like: this is different from the rest of the record, not too far away. I knew it was something good, but I don't think any of us thought it would be number 1 on American radio or anything like that. But Julian was smart, he was like: OK, we have all these songs, but we need that one. And a lot of people have asked me about the production, about the way the vocals sound, and the way the instruments sound, and I really feel like Niall nailed it in the way of just taking that risk, knowing that it was a great sound for him, and not being afraid of that edgier sound, because he had done a lot of more acoustic-folksy stuff for the album. For me, whenever now I see it live and everyone's singing it, I'm like: oh, that's his song. And it's so hard, when you've been in One Direction, you know, you're like, are the fans going to be wanting to hear Best Song Ever or Story of My Life, but they're not, they want to hear Slow Hands. That's what you aim to do when you work with an artist, is to have that moment.”

JULIA MICHAELS, AMERICAN EXPRESS 5 DAY WEEKEND SHOWCASE, MAY 2019:  “This next song [What A Time] I did with an incredibly talented human being from Ireland. He's the most amazing dreamboat of a person and I love him to death."

RUTHANNE CUNNINGHAM, MAY 2019: “I wrote with Niall in February, can I just say the new music is sounding amazing, I got to hear what he’s been doing with Julian and Tobias and stuff, it sounds amazing, and I think we wrote two really great songs... I love the songs that we did.”

THOMAS RHETT, IHEARTRADIO, MAY 2019: “We’ve written a couple of songs together, I wrote with him about a month ago when he was in Nashville. Niall is such a sweet dude. I met Niall through my producer, Julian, I got to meet Niall through him, and it’s such a cool friendship.” 

MAREN MORRIS, ET, JUNE 2019: “Niall and I became such great friends. Our bands became friends on the road last year. I would love to write with him and do something in the future. He's such a great guy. He's a badass."

RUTHANNE CUNNINGHAM, SONGWRITER UNIVERSE, JUNE 2019:  "Niall had such a vision for his album—he knew what he wanted the album to sound like, and he had this book of ideas. So as a writer, it was a dream collaboration because it was so easy for me to fill in the blanks for him. And we’ve been writing together for his next album.”

JULIA MICHAELS, UMUSIC, JUNE 2019: "The first time I heard Niall sing 'we didn't end it like we were supposed to' I remember just breaking down in the studio and he coming out and giving me a hug, the minute he sung it I knew he was perfect for [What A Time] and it had to be him."

CARA CROKE, THE WHISP, JULY 2019:  “We appreciate Niall Horan for more reasons than one. He was the dark horse of One Direction, his solo album was a banger, he’s Irish (duh), and he’s absolutely hilarious on Twitter. Niall isn’t afraid to speak his mind online."

RUTHANNE CUNNINGHAM, JULY 2019: “Niall is one of my faves to write with because he’s very involved; he knows who he is as an artist – and he’s Irish, so we always have a laugh as well. It never feels like work when I’m writing with him."

JULIA MICHAELS, LADY GANG PODCAST, JULY 2019: “Niall's one of my best friends... we have such similar personalities, we're super stupid and goofy. If I had to be stranded on a desert island with someone, I'd want it to be someone I could be super silly with.”

BEATA MURPHY (KIIS FM ASSISTANT PROGRAMMING DIRECTOR & MUISCDIRECTOR) & CONNOR HATCHEY (IHEARTRADIO LA DIGITAL PRODUCER), ADD THIS PODCAST, JULY 2019: “'You know who might be in the studio that we'll hear stuff from soon? Niall.' 'Really? Oh, awesome! He was the 1D member that I— it wasn't that I didn't think he was going to put out music, but he seemed perfectly fine golfing & just chillin after they split. But then he ended up putting out This Town which was an amazing song and following it up with Flicker —and he's been like the most successful— ahaha yes! out of all of them. It's not that no one expected it— it's just that everyone put all their eggs into the Harry basket.’” 

[ghoultyrant]

FoZ Notes 7

Aaand we’re back.

--------------------

Louise says a bunch of stuff about glorious honorable deaths. Saito thinks she doesn't mean it. She claims that no, she doesn't really mean it, but "it has to be this way" because they're at war and anyway she's more bothered by Saito being depressed. So she's still more comfortable with death than a lot of people. The narrator goes on to confirm that okay yes she feels bad for the dead but not THAT bad because yes they did at least die with honor.

"Hugging a familiar isn't done due to status difference". Horseshit.

Oh wait those guys aren't dead. Pretty blatant that Cromwell revived them. Magic checks are done just in case Albion is laying a trap, but apparently Void Andvari zombies don't register to such checks? [Future note: We never ever get a proper explanation of what happened here. I think the intent is that Tiffania found them, nursed them back to health somehow, and then neuralized them, which makes no sense as Tiffania could not possibly have addressed the injuries these jackasses suffered, but FoZ is not exactly the height of consistency or logic so I suspect this nonsensical explanation really is the intent]

Oh my god the zombies think Saito is strange for mourning them I love these guys.

Aaaaand now we're contradicting the idea that dragon riders are people with dragon familiars. And asserting that they're all Wind affinity and flying familiars are normal for that.

Introduced to Julio Cesar, a Romalian priest with eyes of two colors who makes moves on Louise. Unprecedentedly good dragon rider, supposedly no magic. [Future note: My vibe from the word go was “way too Mary Sue”. Initially I thought he would be a temporary character and thus was tolerant of his presence. Nope. And he gets far, far worse]

Tristain intends to give Germania some of Albion's territory once they win, and intends to find someone of royal blood to reinstate the Albionese monarchy. The former seems... impractical. [Future note: Once this war is over, Albion’s situation drops off the face of the planet. The fact that Albion ought to resent being split down the middle like this, the tendency for real countries to resent leadership installed by outsiders, and all the other problems with this situation? Irrelevant! Ugh]

Romalia is helping against Albion because Reconquistador's agenda basically threatens the legitimacy of the Pope's authority.

The illusion spell can be used for scouting utility. [Reader note: In the sense that Louise can reconstruct what she remembers looking at to provide a high level of detailed information to people more quickly than words would provide]

Albion is defending at least Saxe-Gothe with orcs, trolls, "demi-humans". One line in Baka-Tsuki's translation calls orcs demons, so possibly the demons to the east are just monsters. [Future note: No]

Cromwell is perfectly happy to take food from Saxe-Gotha's citizens to deny the invaders food, on the expectation they will end up feeding the citizens instead. He intends to blame the non-human forces, is fine with losing the city to revolt, and also intends to poison the water supply with Void magic somehow.

Cromwell can mass-revive the dead with his ring. He stole the ring from the Water Spirits with the help of Sheffield and Gallian "mage knights". Also, Cromwell has no magic himself. [See?]

We get introduced to Wind Stones properly, at last. [Reader note: We heard about them in regard to airships before, but “they exist” and “they are relevant to flight” was the extent of our information] The Ring of Andvari is a Water magic artifact, not a Void magic one. Something about concentrated magic like this being Void's enemy. [Future note: Wait, what? Ugh, another thing that never gets properly explained or brought up again] Ominous foreshadowing that the Ring of Andvari does more than just raise the dead. Also, it's used up a little bit with each casting.

Still not clear what non-Wind dragons have over Wind Dragons. I thought it was fire breath, but nope. [Reader note: That is, Wind Dragons can breathe fire, too]

Implication that Gandalfr power comes from feelings aimed at the master.

"Medal of White Hair Soul". What the fuck? [Reader note: A medal being awarded to people for valor in combat et al. I really hope Baka-Tsuki is badly botching the translation here]

Louise being jealous of Guiche because he's getting praised for his accomplishments by family.

Detailed images of Brimir are considered disrespectful... oh, and nobody really knows what he looked like anyway.

Founder's Festival AKA Not Christmas, in which even war gets put on hold. It's a new year festival. 10 days long. [Future note: We never hear about this ever again, even though it’s a major event and the story goes on for years]

No wine in Albion. Just beer and tea. Where do they get the tea from?...

Siesta is related to Scarron. Goddammit. Jessica -Scarron's daughter- is also of Japanese descent, apparently from her mother. (So a daughter of Siesta's grandfather)Straight black hair is rare in Halkeginia.

Claim from Louise, backed by the narrator, that Henrietta's goal is revenge for Wales' death.

Louise being about Honor And Duty again. Don't insult honor around her. "No honor->not a noble->not me" Says she would gladly die for her country if it was called for.

The rings are clear for Wind, blue for Water, brown for Earth. Supposedly made from Brimir's blood. All called rubies. Gallia has Earth. Supposedly Romalia had Fire, but they lost it, purportedly because of Tristain. [Future note: We eventually discover Colbert has the Fire one. We also eventually discover that Romalia has another one because, yes, there’s actually 4]

Julio Cesar isn't jerkface's real name. He calls himself it after a great Romalian leader, Totally Not Julius Caesar. [Future note: The author seems to forget this, as we never find out what his real name is or anything] Julio is an orphan.

Gallia has the highest population in Halkeginia. Capitol is named Lutece. Palace is called Versailles. Has a big garden. Royal family's blue hair is super-unusual, making everyone at the Academy a Moron. [Reader note: Well, actually, it makes the author a moron, but in-universe you have to assume the Academy students are all idiots, as they genuinely had no idea, even while guessing she must be a bastard because she wouldn’t talk about her history!] Current Gallian king is shit at magic, named Joseph. [Future note: This is a semi-decent foreshadowing that he’s a Void user] Chess lover. Lover of miniatures in general. Is either out of touch with reality or pretending very effectively. [Future note: This out-of-touch aspect of his character goes away fairly soon, replaced by Some Men Just Want To See The World Burn. No, it’s not character development, nor is he throwing off pretensions of craziness. He just changes for no reason]

ANOTHER goddamn Ring of Andvari in the mountains of Saxe-Gotha. [Reader note: No explanation of how Sheffield knew it was there. No, we never get one. No, it doesn’t make sense in context of later information. This is literally the plot happening because fuck you the author said so] And hints Sheffield is a Void user. [Future note: Close, past me! She’s a familiar to a Void user] She does some kind of mass mind control by melting this Ring into the water supply. [Future note: This is never properly explained, on any level]

An idiot covering his retreat by sacrificing Louise. Ugh. The retreat is caused by the bullshit mass mind control.

Julio knows Saito is Gandalfr somehow. [Future note: This actually does make sense, kind of, eventually]

Gandalfr is a load of anime horseshit. [Reader note: In the ‘I swing so fast nobody saw the sword move’ and ‘I can jump superhigh and run superfast and so on’ school of anime horseshit. Saito is operating well beyond plausible peak human potential]

Derflinger has some vague upper limit on his ability to absorb magic. With absorbed magical power he can take control of his master because shut up. [Future note: Say it with me, children. This never crops up again]

Haha Gallia fucks over Albion instead, unceremoniously killing Cromwell.

Infodump:

"The left hand of God is Gandálfr, the ferocious shield of the lord. His left hand wields a large sword and his right hand wields a long spear, protecting me with endless vigilance. The right hand of God is Vindalfr, the kind-hearted flute of the lord. He dominates all beasts of life, leading me through earth, sky, and water. The mind of God is Myoznitnirn, the book that carries the crystallization of thought. It carries all knowledge and provides advice whenever I am in need. There is one more person, but remembering its name gives me trouble… Taking the four disciples, I came to this land"

[Reader note: The above is something Tiffania sings. It’s foreshadowing, I guess. I quoted it mostly because it gives of three out of four familiar personal names. And now that I think about it -writing this having completed volume 18- the story still hasn’t gotten to that fourth one]

Tiffania is introduced. Some kind of half-elf who takes care of orphans and Deus Ex Machinas Saito because shut up. [Reader note: Again, she has no extranormal capacity for medical care. Saito is good as new in fairly short order in the following volume, having gotten pretty badly injured here. The author just employs The Power Of Ambiguity And Off-Screen Happenings to let you think this makes sense even though it most certainly does not]

End volume 7.

---------- 

In which the author seems to grow bored of this Albion plotline and summarily end it. Oh and Saito ends up separated from Louise, with her led to believe he’s dead.

[Future note: This is not the first time Saito and Louise end up separated. It keeps happening, artificially and nonsensically, and is very much repeating a plot of having Saito and/or Louise conclude that, for some reason, they should be separated, and then concluding that no! They will be together Forever because Love! You know, until the next time the author wants to have relationship drama between the two of them, because quite clearly he has no idea how actual relationships actually work

I’m not exaggerating for comedic effect here. The author does not understand human relationships. This would be a niggling annoyance if the story remained focused on its ‘epic’ plotline, but increasingly Saito and Louise’s relationship is made central to the plot, among other relationships increasingly brought to the fore, so this utter failure is something you can’t just ignore while you enjoy the meat of the story. It’s already been causing problems, and it’s going to get truly awful from hereon]

[peckhampeculiar]

11 GREAT REASONS TO ADVERTISE IN THE PECKHAM PECULIAR AND THE DULWICH DIVERTER

The Peckham Peculiar and The Dulwich Diverter rely solely on advertising revenue to stay in print, and it’s entirely down to the brilliant businesses who support us that we still exist. 

However, while we hope to be publishing community newspapers in Peckham, Nunhead and Dulwich for many years to come, a competitive marketplace means we don’t take local support for granted.

To keep printing, we need residents, businesses and organisations to continue backing us as they have done (and overwhelmingly so) for the last four years. So, if you’re reading this and are thinking about placing an ad, here are 11 very good reasons to choose our two newspapers…

1. Community matters

When you advertise with us, you’re not just choosing a great platform through which to promote your business (more on that below). You’re also keeping Peckham, Nunhead and Dulwich’s only dedicated newspaper titles in print, making a real difference to the community by giving people a voice and helping them forge invaluable local links.  

For example, professional boxer and Peckham man Richard Riakporhe, who mentors young people through his social enterprise Enhancing Minds, said of his recent feature in the PP: “The reaction I’ve had to the article has been amazing. I’ve received lots of emails, including from an advertising company who might want to offer me a part-time role in their company.

“It’s crazy, the article has only been out a week or so and I’ve had a lot of feedback. The paper’s readership is very diverse so I’ve been able to connect with new people. It’s been amazing and I thank The Peckham Peculiar for the opportunity to tell my story.”

2. Helping hands

Through reading our newspapers, people have become involved with local charities and good causes they may otherwise never have known about.

A piece we ran on a Nunhead cafe for the homeless had this outcome: “I am pleased to report that from your story we had a number of enquiries for volunteering to help us run our weekly programme”; while Peckham charity the Menders’ Club said: “As a direct response we had two tool donations from local residents and a new member has joined us.”

3. Online promotion

Our unrivalled social media presence means we can promote your business online in a way that no other free south-east London title can. Our combined followings include almost 30,000 people on our highly interactive Twitter feeds – thousands more than any other local publication.

We have over 12,700 followers on our two Instagram accounts (please see photograph above for the number of impressions on just some of our shared images) and over 4,000 likes on Facebook. Our blogs are followed by over 3,800 people and receive 1,000-plus daily hits; while each online issue receives an average of 11,000 views.

4. Top tweets

Editor-in-chief of The Guardian, Katharine Viner, tweeted this about us to her 160,000 followers: “Since I’ve been away my old neighbourhood has acquired a community paper, The Peckham Peculiar. It’s really good, full of fascinating things.

“I really like the way it’s in a range of places in Peckham, and the content felt like it reflects the breadth of Peckham life. Also I learnt a few new things even though I’ve lived here for 20 plus years. Bravo!”

A few months later she tweeted: “Latest edition of @peckhampeculiar is excellent again… Lively, upbeat, thoughtful community paper; good reporting, great pictures.” She added: “It’s fantastic! Report on the Blenheim Grove hair salons a standout.”

5. A quality read

We rely solely on advertising sales to keep us in print. But the revenue also helps us pay our contributors and fund the professional journalism and high quality photography, illustration and design that are the hallmarks of both titles we produce.

Our sub-editing also sets us apart, which hasn’t gone unnoticed by readers. One said: “I do like the paper as it stands – readable, relevant and above all literate. Thanks to your sub.” Another said: “I’ve been meaning to say that I’m really impressed by PP – it’s very well written with a great mix of articles, and it’s especially well subbed.”

6. BBC Breakfast

When we launched the first newspaper we filmed a clip about hyperlocal publishing with BBC Breakfast, which receives an average audience of 1.5 million people per episode. Presenters Bill Turnbull and Louise Minchin agreed The Peckham Peculiar is a “great name”.

Since then we’ve also been interviewed by the Financial Times and have appeared on BBC Radio London several times. We have been mentioned in Time Out and the Independent and exclusive stories we’ve broken in The Peckham Peculiar and The Dulwich Diverter have been picked up by local and national press.

7. The personal touch

We personally hand deliver every single copy of the two newspapers to around 300 stockists across Peckham, Nunhead, Camberwell and North, West, East Dulwich and Dulwich Village. We also give out 1,000 copies to commuters during morning rush hour at Peckham Rye Station and are the only south-east London title to do so.

We have a diverse range of stockists to ensure we reach the whole of the community, not just one part of it. You can find us in all sorts of places, from laundrettes, libraries and hair salons to shops, pubs and cafes. We’re the only local publication with our own stand in Tesco (Queen’s Road branch), M&S on Lordship Lane, Peckhamplex, Peckham Levels and Bold Tendencies/Frank’s Cafe in the summer.

8. Reader response

Testimonials from advertisers include a Nunhead-based architect who said: “It looks like I have a great new project [in Peckham] on the back of advertising with you, so thank you, and keep up the great work!”

A local florist said: “I have had some great responses – two people signed up, which is just brilliant.” Another advertiser said: “I’ve had five enquiries so far from the current ad so very happy.”

An East Dulwich-based fitness company said: “Yes reserve me a space for the next issue. I’ve had a good response already.”

9. Unique editorial

We believe local publications should truly reflect the areas they cover and we strive to represent the incredible diversity of south-east London on our pages. We invest a huge amount of time and effort in seeking out stories that no one else has written about and sharing them with our readers.

We aim to appeal to everyone in the area; those who have lived here their whole lives and those who have just arrived. As far as we know our youngest reader is nine years old and our oldest is 97. The more adverts we sell, the more stories we can publish and with over 100 ideas on our potential features list, so far we’ve only just scratched the surface.

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“No one reading the Metro at Peckham Rye Station today: they’re all reading @peckhampeculiar!” @ruthkennedy

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11. More for your money

Our rates are competitively priced compared with other local monthly, bi-monthly and quarterly titles and our tabloid size means you get a lot of ad space for your money. The relatively low number of pages ensures your advert will stand out and won’t get lost among a vast number of pages and other ads.

Every single page of advertising is thoughtfully matched with a page of high quality and engaging editorial  (“all killer, no filler” to quote one reader), which increases reader “dwell time” and ensures that people linger on each spread for longer.

Last but not least, advertising in the print edition comes with free (yes, free!) promotion to our huge online audience, meaning that in south-east London, there’s no better place to spread the word about your business.

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To find out more about advertising in The Peckham Peculiar and The Dulwich Diverter, please email peckhampeculiar@gmail.com &/or dulwichdiverter@gmail.com.

[itsshadowcube-blog]

Character Analysis: Bob’s Burgers; Bob and Linda Belcher

While watching the show, Bob’s Burgers for the up-teenth time, I realized in a whirl of excitement, that the majority of the characters enveloped or personified certain mental illnesses.  Now, you might say that I am grasping at straws; the show is full of laughs and relatable characters.  How could mental illness come into play?  Let me explain. Bob’s Burgers is, on the surface, a “slice of life” comedy that follows a family and their restaurant in quirky adventures and relatable hardships of lower-middle-class families.  We watch as the three Belcher children find themselves in everyday activities, at school, in social constructs and we can not help but find ourselves relating to them when we were younger.  Bob and Linda Belcher, the parents and owners of Bob’s Burgers, run their restaurant from below their small apartment and most often showcase “relationship goals” in the way that they seem to completely go together and flow effortlessly with each other. 

They support their children in all avenues of their personality and encourage them to be the best of themselves.  This is brought to light with the eldest daughter, Tina, openly writes about her erotic friend fiction. She has no problem with writing in her diary, only to have her family go behind her back (and in some cases, sit in for a reading) and look through her thoughts and feelings.  Their son, Gene, is a young lad that has a great affinity with music, food, and his own bodily functions.  This seems to get somewhat annoying to the family, but being the Belchers, they still accept their son for who he is.  Louise, the youngest of the three, is a mastermind.  She looks as if she takes enjoyment from causing havoc, relishing in the adrenalin rush that comes with it.  Often times, we can hear her talking in the background as she encourages others to act on their impulses.

From this brief synopsis of the show and it’s main characters, it seems obvious that each of the children exhibits some kind of mental illness.  But, what of the parents?  The power couple made up of Bob and Linda, are the personification of bipolar disorder. This is showcased by their interactions together and when alone.

Please note that all this information is based on my own personal experiences and small research into bipolar disorder.

Bob: The particarch of the family, has it all; a loving family, a caring wife, and his own business that he built from the ground up.  He experiences the hardships of being his own boss, as well as taking in great joy in his work; making burgers. In many episodes, we see him interact with his landlord, Mr. Fischoeder (I’m going to be doing an anylsis of Calvin and Felix at another time), telling him that the rent will either late, or short.  From a business perspective, Mr. Fischoeder could easily evict the Belcher family, but chooses not to. (Again, this will be explained in his anylasis).  Across the street, Bob works against his mortal enemy, JImmy Pesto; he running a far more successful italian resturant.

Bob has a great passion for cooking, that dispite his poor resturant sales, never fails to get him noterity from celeberty chefs and even his landlord.  During the holidays, he takes his time to prepare the best meal, breaking down cooking a turkey in a cheap oven a complex science.  While cooking burgers, or a holday feast, we can see him talking to the food and giving it a personality as he carries on a conversation with himself.  On the surface, we can see this as a thing that he does, and just like the rest of his families quirks, is accepted, and take enjoyment in it.  However, watching the 8 seasons over and over, it starts to become a sad reality, and begs me to question why he does so.

It is pointed out multiple times in the series, that Bob does not have anyone that he really considers a friend (with the exception of a single friend who is a weathly entrepreneur).  Even taking muliple seasons to accept that Teddy, a regular customer and repairman, is in fact one of his best friends.  But, why is this?  We can chalk it up to the fact that making and keeping friends, quality friends, is a hard thing to do.  Made harder by working and owning a business and being a family man. 

Or, it could be his personality.  He has a rough sense of humor that often fails to make it’s mark.  Even at times, his own family does not understand it.  Or, it could be a completely different reason altogether; he is clinically, chronically depressed.  In the show, he remarks to his children about how great it was growing up in his father’s resturant, and working there.  But, upon closer inspection and an “oh shit” moment, it becomes clear that he did not infact have the wonderful childhood he thought he had.

His depression is made apparent in how he speaks in a monotone, though part of that could be because of his voice actor, H. Jon Benjamin.  But, I do not believe that that is not the case, since Benjamin also voices many other characters, including the voice of international superspy Archer, in the show, Archer, who is has an animated personality. Everything seems to be a chore, even if cooking is his life’s passion.  He moves slowly, is not often impressed (or sees things as lack luster) or too often exciteable, and seems to constantly portray the world and a horrible place.

Linda: A wife and mother to three children, Linda is the shoulders that holds the family together.  She supports her husnband in his buisness, being the waitress, wating on the far and few between customers, outside the regulars.  She is smart, beautiful, and talented; all compontents that Bob finds vaulable.

She sings and dances, often times chorographing her own songs during business hours.  Linda is a dreamer, in the simplist sense.  She constantly projects an unearthly positivity, keeping the family Belcher up more often than down.  She encourages her children to do activities that make them happy, supporting them when they question their hobbies.

For all intents and purposes, Linda Belcher seems to be the glue that holds the family together.  We watch her as she fights along side her children and her husband when they get in trouble, being the mothely lion that we would love to see in everday society, and personally, someone who I strive to be. 

From her interactions on the phone, and when they come into Bob’s Burgers, we can see that Linda is not short on friends.  And, at times, tells theatrical stories of the racoons that live behind her apartment.  She acts on impulse, becoming uncontraollably exciteable at inappropriate times.  Not only this, but she acts financially impulsive.  This is made evident through out the show, when she sells an esppresso machine in order to put her son, Gene, into baseball camp, though he does not enjoy the sport and shows no interest in it.

With this basis, I have concluded that Linda, is the manic part of bipolar.  And, looking into her family, it is not a far off thought. Her sister, Gayle who appears to have some kind of mental illness all her own as she struggles to live in her tiny studio apartment, hold a job, or a romantic partner.  Growing up, it becomes apparent that there was some kind of contest between the two sisters, and though they love each other, part of them resents the other.

Taking both of these characters together, it seems overwhelmingly possible that they could, together, be the personification of bipolar; Bob being the depressive episodes and Linda being manic. Alone, we can see that they fully encompass these two extremes.  It would look that if the two had never met, their world and their power together would be non-existent.  In an episode when Bob begins to lose his famous mustache, which we learn, Linda loves profusely, Tina makes up a scenario where the two had not met, with some role reversal with other characters, and they are not the Bob and Linda that we have come to know and love.

But, how does this make them a power couple?  When hearing the term bipolar, most people tend to shy away, thinking that there is something incredibly wrong.  While this can be true in most instances, it is not the case in the Belchers.  I believe that these two extremes that they exhibit actually make them strong as individuals and as a couple.  In a sense, they balance each other out. Similar to the concept of Ying and Yang.

Bob is level-headed, mostly, in his business.  He takes into account all the odds and ins of running a business and in doing so, is able to lean on his wife when he needs to.  When he becomes discouraged by events that could make or break his families way of life, Linda is there beside him, bringing him from the ashes. 

Linda is a romantic free spirit, that often forgets to land.  She fails to see the forest for the trees, and this tends to crush her momentum.  When this happens, Bob is there to calm her down, which in turn, ignites her passionate flame.  When she rises once more, instead of flying alone, she takes the hand of her husband, that had just reminded her with his own positivity (which he takes from Linda).

Together, they are able to overcome many obstacles in their life.  In doing so, they laugh and learn, once more cherishing every moment they have built up to that point.  It is my theory and taking part of my own experiences, that though they are two extremes of a complete whole, they even each other out.  Much like the instances of when I become manic, I know I am going to crash.  However, in preparation for that, my depression begins to take the manic energy, to keep a slower, more methodical approach to achieving the goal.

This personal correlation, the highs, and lows working together to create an even working space are why I believe that Bob and Linda work so well together.  It can be argued that this is just a healthy relationship at work. And you would be right.  Though they have their own personalities, wants and dreams, they still continue to support each other in a loving environment.  And, they could just be that.  A realistic and optimist that have found a rhythm in which they create a beautiful world.

Next, we will be looking into the children.  What do they seem to possess?

[dopecreationgiver-blog]

modafinil

Treatment with light and color

Our body consists of constantly moving particles, the characteristics of which have long been studied using computed tomography, positron emission tomography and other diagnostic equipment. Electromagnetic waves emitted by the human body are indicated on the tomograms by multicolored strips. What is surprising is that people have not forgotten about the healing properties of light as such. In clinics, they gradually begin to practice color treatment again. So, the light of blue fluorescent lamps is already used to treat jaundice of newborns. And, as evidenced by the results of a recent study in Italy, turquoise lamps in this sense are even more effective. It is remarkable that in addition to real physical light and color, one can use his mental image: not to see the color, but to think about it or feel it. As already mentioned in the previous chapter, the aura of each archangel has a certain color, only its own; to use the color of the archangel, to imagine it in his mind means to call the archangel himself. For example, mentally shroud yourself or another person with iridescent radiance, and you will come close to freeing the energy blocked in past lives and balancing karma (blocked energy and imbalance of karma were precisely the main causes of all your troubles). If you call all the colors of the rainbow, the powerful healing energy will spread not to one, but to several levels of your being. An iridescent glow is a symbol of the archangel Raziel, also known as the "Arcangel Archangel." In Raziel, great wisdom is combined with a huge magical power - remember Gandalf from The Lord of the Rings. Behind him, Raziel has large angel wings. People with high spiritual aspirations - spiritual guides and healers - help to stop worrying about their gift of healing. Especially Raziel is attentive to those who in this or the previous life had to suffer because of their extrasensory or healing abilities. Australian Meredith did not really believe in angels until the medium told her that she had two guardian angels. He described them in detail; one of them was endowed with female energy, the other - male. Meredith did not attach much importance to the words of the medium, but two days later her friend told her that during meditation saw two angels next to her. And described them exactly as a medium. Meredith was amazed: she did not say a word to her friend about her meeting with the medium. And then modalert  the woman thought: maybe angels really exist! Soon, in the hands of Meredith came my deck of angelic fortune-telling cards. Learning to use them, Meredith gained the ability to feel that people are surrounded by angels - she even learned to see them. The daughter of Meredith had attacks of epilepsy, the baby was almost unable to learn. She is already five years old, she was soon to go to school, and Meredith was very worried about this. "I put her on her knees and began telling her how her angel would protect her," Meredith recalls the first day of school for her daughter. - And suddenly felt near the presence of some powerful energy. I turned around. Behind stood a beautiful angel, she was pacified. She said her name was Mary and that she would take care of my girl. As if my mountain fell from my shoulders: I accompanied my daughter to school and knew that she was in good hands. Three years have passed since that day, and at school she has never had an attack! However at home at the girl there were on three-four attacks in a month. Of course, Meredith was very worried. And one night, when her daughter was fast asleep, she plunged into deep meditation. She called her angels, the angels of her daughter and in general all the angels who could respond to her call. Meredith imagined that the daughter was lying on the table, and around the table were angels and nourished her with healing energy. Meredith asked the angels what color the energy that the girl needed so much. Intuition immediately prompted: this energy is "the color of the rainbow." Then the woman presented how from her hands and palms the rainbow energy flowed and poured into the baby. After a while, she again received a message from the angels. - I was so afraid for my daughter; I felt that I was powerless to help her, "Meredith recalls. "But the angels told me that my daughter herself chose this fate - she wanted to do something in life. They also said that everything that is required of me is to love her. And once again stressed that she herself must dispose of their health. It was not easy for a loving mother to listen, but the words of the angels helped her to deliver the girl's destiny to God. In the morning, Meredith told her daughter about the circle of healing angels. And then she asked: "What color do you think we sent you?" In response, Meredith expected to hear "Pink!" - her daughter's favorite color, - but the baby said: "The color of the rainbow!" "My heart skipped a beat!" Says Meredith. - I realized that at some level the daughter understands everything that happens to her. After a treatment session with iridescent energy, Meredith followed the advice of the angels Emerald green color

Emerald green color is associated with the archangel Raphael - the main healer among the archangels. When you call on Raphael, he sends an emerald green light to the sick man. The body absorbs this light, like a balm or a quick-acting medicine. You can also imagine emerald light around yourself or someone else - the effect will be the same. Calling light is the same as calling the archangel, for light is the very essence of angels. Before meeting with the doctor, Shannon asked the archangel Raphael to attend this meeting. She asked him to watch what was happening and to make the healer really cure her body, soul and mind. The session lasted two hours, and all this time, before Shannon's inner gaze, emerald green light shone. "I see emerald shine around you," said the healer, although the woman did not tell him anything. About a week later Shannon bought the book "Archangels & Ascended Masters", from which she learned that the emerald green is the color of Raphael's aura. Surprise Shannon was no limit: - I witnessed one of the brightest and most beautiful healings. When Raphael is near you, you can see with an inner gaze an emerald green light, and green sparkles flash before your eyes. Above the mutilated or diseased person, the emerald glow remains until the person becomes better. Often I noticed such a glow above the kneecap or other part of my client's body. When I asked the patient about this, she answered that she had recently prayed for healing, because she had damaged the knee cap. The emerald color indicates that the prayers of a person are heard and that they have not remained without attention. Sending colored light to a mutilated or diseased organ is a very effective method. It is especially good when you need to cure a child or an animal: children and beasts believe you unreservedly, and this faith contributes to a speedy recovery. I will give two examples, of which it is clear that one must believe and trust as children and animals modafinil believe and trust. Kathleen, the eleven-month-old daughter of Louise Ring O'Hanley, had a strange growth in her mouth. Four doctors failed to diagnose and sent the girl to a specialist in oral surgery. The surgeon has appointed or nominated operation with anesthesia. Louise was horrified by the very thought of having her little one do the operation. Fortunately, at that time she read a book about angels; the weekend before the operation, Louise spent in prayer. Mother asked Raphael to send a stream of emerald color into Kathleen's mouth and completely cure her. By Monday morning, there was no outgrowth in his mouth: he disappeared once and for all. The operation was canceled. "I believe in the power of prayer!" Louise says now. Like most other children, Kathleen trustingly perceived the light of love coming from her mother and Raphael. If you want to heal yourself, ask the angels to help you become open and trustful. Remember: angels are capable of any help, including they can instill faith in you and make you more receptive to treatment.

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Donna Mead from New Zealand helped her best friend, who had just moved to England. The fact that the girlfriend had a dog - fox terrier Daisy, which, in accordance with the new rules, could not go to England together with the hostess. Within six months, the animal had to undergo a "quarantine" - that's Donna and took Daisy to herself. The dog recently suffered a stroke, and now it was hard to move its hind legs; she had many clots in her blood. Besides, Daisy suffered a skin disease. Donna very responsibly went to her duties: she bathed Daisy in a special shampoo, drove to the vet and walked regularly. For three months everything went fine, but then Daisy fell into a terrible sleepiness: even a favorite delicacy could not make her go up. Donna took the dog to the vet so that he could determine where the energy and cheerfulness of the poor animal had gone. The diagnosis was very serious: Daisy developed blood cancer. The veterinarian advised to put the dog to sleep, especially if it becomes worse. But Donna could not surrender; she took Daisy home. Donna decided to turn to the angels. Here's what she says: - I asked the archangel Raphael to wrap the dog in white and green light - I myself agreed to become an intermediary. Before my eyes there was a wonderful sight: through the whole body of Daisy passed a green and white light, forming a color cycle. First large rings of light covered the entire body of the animal, then they became smaller. Intuitively, I realized that light drives out the disease from Daisy; the rings all diminished until they disappeared altogether. I opened my eyes and looked at the dog - she looked at me. I thanked Archangel Raphael and started my own business. The next morning, Donna again took the dog to the vet.