#make that my personal brand! I just think she's got some wonderfully made songs for what they are objectively

[nerianasims]

Billboard #1s 1988

Under the cut.

"So Emotional" -- Whitney Houston -- January 9, 1988

It's either a song about cheating or about being hung up on an ex. She's got a love of her own, but she's "so emotional" with this other guy, and keeps a picture of him by her bed. Um, does the other guy know this? Maybe she needs to have sex with the other guy so she stops being obsessed with the touch of the previous one. It's a dance song, and I like the beat, but it's painfully repetitive in the second half. Also, while I've known the chorus to this song very well since it came out, I thought it was a normal love song until I looked up the lyrics just now. Houston doesn't sing it like she's in any pain -- well, except I bet her throat hurt from the oversinging.

"Got My Mind Set on You" -- George Harrison -- January 16, 1988

Super repetitive lyrics. But the music's really fun, and I love what lyrics there are. I wish there weren't so few, though. "It's gonna take a whole lot of money" harks back to the many Beatles songs where they sang proudly about spending money on women they loved. Still, this is an example of how George was the best solo Beatle eventually. The video's cute, too, and obviously lampshades the idea of George Harrison doing backflips and dancing.

"The Way You Make Me Feel" -- Michael Jackson -- January 23, 1988

Michael Jackson was no Janelle Monáe. On so many levels. In this case, he wasn't anywhere near her artistic standard. This song does have the lyrics "Oh I'll be workin' from nine to five/ To buy you things to keep you by my side," but it sounds more like a Beatles rip-off than a tribute. I actually didn't remember this song at all, and the video is one of those annoying 80s ones that takes an entire minute to start the song. Then Jackson does a whole bunch of "woos" and "ows" and all that stuff he did that worked in moderation. But "moderation" was not what he was doing in 1988. In any way. He actually oversings in this. I turned it off halfway through. And immediately turned to Janelle Monáe's "The Way You Make Me Feel," which I adore.

"Need You Tonight" -- INXS -- January 30, 1988

This is one of my favorite songs. It's incredibly sexy, obviously. I didn't really notice it until I was around 15, and then I NOTICED it. As I got older, the song got better. The lines "You can care all you want/ Everybody does yeah that's okay" have meant so much to me ever since I started dating seriously. Because caring was not what you were supposed to do.

Anyway, this song is phenomenal and I love it.

"Could've Been" -- Tiffany -- February 6, 1988

This song was #1 for two weeks, and all the previous ones from 1988 have been one week. How? It's a heartbreak song that starts with the lyrics "The flowers you gave me/ Are just about to die," which is painfully on-the-nose. They'd probably work in a country song, but this is lite pop, not country. Tiffany occasionally seems to be trying to do some country stuff with her voice, which is smart. But that's not enough. It's not a terrible song, but it does nothing for me. I don't remember ever having heard it before.

"Seasons Change" -- Exposé  -- February 20, 1988

Speaking of songs I haven't heard before. I like this one though. The music's pretty interesting, especially the melody. The singing's excellent. And the music behind "seasons change/people change" sounds exactly like some of the music from Persona 4, so I wonder if Atlus' composer was influenced by it, unconsciously or not. It's just a couple notes, though. Lyrically, the song is about being in love now but realizing it might not last. It's good. I'm gonna look up more of their music.

"Father Figure" -- George Michael -- February 27, 1988

The music for this song is great, and George Michael as usual sings wonderfully. But um. There are some kinks that make me run screaming even when they're really mild. "I will be your father figure/ Put your tiny hand in mine" are two of them. So if you enjoy this song, I'm happy for you, it's musically lovely. I will be going to take a shower now.

"Never Gonna Give You Up" -- Rick Astley -- March 12, 1988

There was a time when I would have easily been able to have an opinion on this song. That time was long ago. It's hard to hear as a song now, rather than an internet meme. But I will not give up. (The video has almost 9 million views, sheesh.)

Okay so they're friends and now he wants a relationship. He says "You wouldn't get this from any other guy," which is a total jerkass line. Other than that, the lyrics are -- oh who am I kidding, I can't do this.

"Man in the Mirror" -- Michael Jackson -- March 26, 1988

I try to separate the art from the artist. That's in both positive and negative directions. If I love someone's art, that doesn't mean they're a good person. If I hate it, that doesn't mean they're a bad person.

This song, though -- "I'm starting with the man in the mirror/ I'm asking him to change his ways" -- uh yeah. Liar. And it's wedged in with all this "oh you should care about all the starving kids and homeless people" self-sanctification that Michael Jackson always protected himself with. This song disgusts me.

"Get Outta My Dreams, Get Into My Car" -- Billy Ocean -- April 9, 1988

Speaking of disgust. Yay street harassment!  I've never heard anything bad about Billy Ocean as a human being though. But I'm not listening to more than 5 seconds of this song. Gross.

"Where Do Broken Hearts Go" -- Whitney Houston -- April 23, 1988

She's singing to a man she wants to get back together with after they decided they needed some "space." There's a lot of naivete in the song -- "And if somebody loves you/ Won't they always love you?" No. Even if they do still love you, that doesn't mean it will work. But maybe it will. I've never gotten back together with someone after a breakup, though I've been asked to many times (percentage-wise.) I've always had an allergy to it, both because my parents got back together after divorcing and should not have, and because I had a friend who broke up with her boyfriend and got back together with him at least 8 times in the space of a year and I had to keep hearing about it.

So this song doesn't really speak to me. But it's pretty good. Houston sings it well too, reigning in the oversinging until near the end.

"Wishing Well" -- Terence Trent D'Arby -- May 7, 1988

That's an awesome name. The writer of this song said he wrote it when he was half-asleep, which makes sense. "Butterfly tears", okay, just poetry, but you want to fall in love near a well of crocodile tears too? Doesn't that mean you're faking? I like the song though. It's sort of funk, but softer than full-on funk. I like the way D'Arby sings it. The whistling part (keyboard whistling) is very enjoyable. It's a fun song, and one I do remember from the time.

"Anything for You" -- Gloria Estefan and the Miami Sound Machine -- May 14, 1988

A pretty breakup song. But, of course, I have an issue. "I can pretend each time I see you/ That I don't care and I don't need you/ And though you'll never see me cryin'/ You know inside I feel like dying." Well that makes his life a lot easier, doesn't it. The whole song is about how she'll do anything to make him happy. Urgh. She needs to tell him to get out of her life so she can make a brand new start.

"One More Try" -- George Michael -- May 28, 1988

Yet another heartbreak song. It's not surprising that I remember so few songs from this year. I feel like I'm back in the 60s before The Beatles again. Though this year is musically better, I'm still bored. Anyway, in this one, the narrator doesn't want to try again, and he keeps addressing the person he doesn't want to try again with as "teacher," which is... a thing. The only time he seems willing to try again is the very last line, which is "Maybe just one more try."

It's slow, it's pretty enough, it would be unbearably boring if George Michael weren't such a good singer. I'm bored anyway. No wonder we ran screaming from anything smacking of this kind of thing in the early 90s. I feel stupid and contagious.

"Together Forever" -- Rick Astley -- June 18, 1988

He certainly had a brand, didn't he? The song title tells you everything you need to know about the lyrics. The song sounds a lot like "Never Gonna Give You Up," but much more boring. A massive drum machine intro can't carry this. I do recognize the chorus, but that's it. The song is fine, really. But that's it. It sounds like a lesser knockoff of "Never Gonna Give You Up."

"Foolish Beat" -- Debbie Gibson -- June 25, 1988

Heartbreak song. Sigh. There's a nice cheesy saxophone that I like, at least. She left him and she regrets it and thinks "I could never love again/ The way that I loved you." Nope, it's never the same. That doesn't mean it's worse. It's often better. I'm not listening to the whole thing, not even in case the sax comes back. The song's too dull.

"Dirty Diana" -- Michael Jackson -- July 2, 1988

It's about some groupie trying to seduce poor widdle helpless Michael. I don't remember ever hearing this song, and it's musically whiny too. Yuck. So much yuck.

"The Flame" -- Cheap Trick -- July 9, 1988

Heartbreak. Song. Again. "You were the first, you'll be the last" oh no they won't. I entirely approve of being honest about heartbreak, but this year is just crushing with the monotony of it. At least there's a beat to this one.

By the way, in the video, the lead singer's hair appears to be made of straw. Ah, the late 80s, when people thought cooking their hair was the way to go.

"Hold on to the Nights" -- Richard Marx -- July 23, 1988

A heartbreak song in disguise. He's in love with this woman but they can't be together. Are they cheating? I don't know. I don't care. It's so boring, words and music both. Even the piano is blah.

Speaking of late 80s hair, it looks like Richard Marx used an entire can of Aqua Velva on his in the video.

"Roll With It" -- Steve Winwood -- July 30, 1988

This was a #1 hit for four weeks, and I know why. It's not boring! Or depressing! It's got kind of an old-fashioned soul sound: Horns, groove, lyrics. When life is too much, roll with it baby. Not profound, but this is a really good song. One I've heard quite a lot, too, on purpose and everything.

Also, Steve Winwood's hair would work fine today. Coincidence?

"Monkey" -- George Michael -- August 27, 1988

This is actually kind of a heartbreak song, but not really. The one he loves has a "monkey" on their back and he wonders if they love it more than they love him. Addiction is my guess. It's a high-energy dance song, though -- it sounds a little angry, not sad at all. I find the melody sort of dull, but at least there's a beat. But I'm sorry, "Why can't you set your monkey free" is an absolutely hilarious lyric, and I can't take this song seriously in any way.

I think I had the hat George Michael's wearing in the video.

"Sweet Child O' Mine" -- Guns N' Roses -- September 10, 1988

Okay, yeah, sort of a heartbreak song, the relationship sounds like it's a mess with "where do we go now?" sung a zillion times. But it's so good. SO good. And it's rock. It's no wonder that it's one of the few songs that have stayed around from this list. It's not some kind of mass-produced pap without personality. Only Guns N'Roses could do this. Great song, I love it, and I love it more knowing what came before it. Man, Slash can play.

"Don't Worry, Be Happy" -- Bobby McFerrin -- September 24, 1988

Yeah, I'm guessing people were horribly sick of all the overproduced depression on the charts this year. A lot of music critics, and other critics, were really nasty about it because of the simplicity of its lyrics and its earworm-ness. And we made fun of the phrase plenty as young teens in the 90s. But now? I think it's pretty good. Philosophically, it's a mess, but the music isn't serious so I don't think we're supposed to take it seriously. And I like a-cappella. It was played way too much back in the day, though.

(Robin Williams is in the video, which made me tear up. Oof.)

"Love Bites" -- Def Leppard -- October 8, 1988

Technically about heartbreak I guess, but I feel like they're lampshading all the songs from this year which may as well have had the same title. Probably not intentionally. I can't take this song the tiniest bit seriously. It's rock, but not with a lot of personality. Any hair metal band from the time with interchangeable bleached blond frontmen could have done it.

I think this guy used an air fryer on his hair.

"Red Red Wine" -- UB40 -- October 15, 1988

One is supposed to hate this song, or was I don't hate it. I was a kid when it came out, the pop reggae appealed to me, and I still find it fun. Neil Diamond, the original singer, likes it. I certainly find it more interesting than anything with Neil Diamond singing on it.

"A Groovy Kind of Love" -- Phil Collins -- October 22, 1988

It's a cover of a 60s song. "Baby, you and me/ Got a groovy kind of love." This version is incredibly slow, and doesn't have any interesting drum work from Phil. It doesn't make me angry, but it doesn't make me anything. It's there. My brain wandered off and I started looking at stuff on the internet while trying to listen to it.

"Kokomo" -- The Beach Boys -- November 5, 1988

I loved this song as a kid and no one is prying it from me. It makes me happy when I feel down. I got the Cocktail soundtrack this is on for Christmas in my stocking 1988 -- me and seemingly every other kid, I think the tape was massively on sale. I loved the soundtrack, and I especially loved this song. I will never see the movie. I always felt that the song was a middle-aged man singing to his middle-aged wife ("pretty mama".) Which I thought was sweet. I figured that's what middle-aged people did, went off on vacations to tropical islands sometimes, even though my parents never did. I want to though.

"Wild, Wild West" -- The Escape Club -- November 12, 1988

"Heading for the nineties," hm? Well one of the lines is "give me, give me safe sex," and safe sex messaging being absolutely everywhere was an early to mid 90s thing. It's always funny to hear someone with an English accent sing about something extremely American. This song does sound like it's heading for the nineties musically, which is good. Only heading toward though. It's okay, but not very interesting. The music is repetitive. I got bored halfway though.

"Bad Medicine" -- Bon Jovi -- November 19, 1988

Your love is like "bad medicine" and he's addicted. Like a monkey on his back. What's with that phrase this year? I don't recognize this song. It's overproduced, it's shouty, there's too much going on, and it feels like it's trying too hard. Nope.

"Baby, I Love Your Way/ Freebird Medley" -- Will to Power -- December 3, 1988

I'm used to the 90s cover of "Baby, I Love Your Way" by Big Mountain. And I don't think I'm being biased when I say the Big Mountain version is significantly better. The lead singer of this one, a woman, is way too breathy and mannered.

The "Freebird" portion is bad. Just plain bad. The man singing is also breathy and there's absolutely no oomph. Also a lite, bouncy pop song in which the woman is singing how much she loves the man and the man's like "no I gotta be free" is blech. It does not work.

"Look Away" -- Chicago -- December 10, 1988

This was Chicago's biggest single. The narrator's ex called him to tell him she's with someone new, and he pretends to be happy for her, but wants her to look away so she doesn't see the tears of a clown -- er, no, that's a better song. Same idea though.

A heartbreak song, but I don't mind it, because it's got some blood to it. It's not slow and there's a real beat. Also Peter Cetera wasn't with Chicago any more, so Bill Champlin's the lead singer here, and he's so much better than Cetera it's ridiculous. Champlin brings some guts to the song, he doesn't sing through his nose, and he sounds truly heartbroken. Worlds better than Cetera. So it's a good enough song, if you're in the mood for that kind of thing.

"Every Rose Has Its Thorn" -- Poison -- December 24, 1988

I never minded this song before at all, but I am so sick of this kind of song at this point. Whine whine whine every cowboy sings a sad sad song. You're no Johnny Cash, dude. He said something wrong, he doesn't know what it was, they broke up and he still doesn't know why -- okay, who does this? Actually wait, I know one person who did this, and he keeps saying he has no idea why either of his wives broke up with him and I do because I was there and they told him they would break up with him if he didn't change. Over and over and over and over. And now he's like "poor me, I don't know why this happened. " He probably doesn't, either. He cannot admit fault.

Anyway, projections of my own personal trauma onto a hair metal band aside, the narrator’s ex is now with someone new and he thinks "I never meant that much to you." Maybe, maybe not. Cowboy, change your ways today.

BEST OF 1988 -- "Need You Tonight" by INXS and "Sweet Child O' Mine" by Guns N' Roses. WORST OF 1988 -- "Get Outta My Dreams, Get Into My Car" by Billy Ocean

[troutfishinginmusic]

The story of Grass Records: From Brainiac to Wind-Up and Creed

                                                              Images via Grass of ’96 compilation 

Everything isn’t available in the streaming era. There are notable gaps in the seemingly bottomless amount of music currently available. Some of the most noticeable exclusions are albums released on Grass Records.

If you’re a fan of ’90s indie music, this short-lived New York label mattered. Though sometimes dismissed as a sibling label to Homestead Records, Grass released over 60 full-length albums ranging from pop to punk to noise to experimental music. It raised the profile of influential bands like Brainiac, Toadies and the Wrens. 

The amazing thing about the label is how consistent it is. Every time I thought I was done with this article, I would listen to a band like Baboon and be completely blown away. These are all fascinating, idiosyncratic bands. This is more incredible considering the label was only around for about four years.

Much of this music is hard to find. The odd song might be lingering on YouTube, but you’re almost better off looking at your local record store or ordering from Discogs.

Why are the albums in this weird limbo? Mostly because the monied interest who bought the label in 1996 thought it wasn’t yielding a big enough return on the investment. Grass was gutted and rebranded into post-grunge/nu metal giant Wind-Up. Money poured in and these wonderfully weird records were swept to the side.

The following interviews were conducted via email, Facebook messenger and phone over the last few months. Quotes from the interviews have been edited for style/clarity. I’m eternally grateful to everyone who got back to me. I am also willing to expand this story if more former Grass artists want to reach out. If you’re one of these artists, my email is at the bottom of this story.

Seedlings

“I started in the music business purely by chance,” said Camille Sciara, who founded Grass Records.

Sciara got her start working at Record World in New York as a second job and became friendly with the store’s buyer. After attending a manager training program, she moved on to become a manager of the store. Her second job became her first.

“Then, after two years there, I became bored managing a record store and my friend Mike, the buyer, told me about Dutch East India,” Sciara said. “I started there as a salesperson and, after a year of sales, became the buyer when that position opened up. I never envisioned starting a label.”

While working as a buyer at Dutch East India Trading a friend sent her a Toadies cassette. She “loved it” and started Grass in 1993 to release it.

Grass released the Toadies EP Pleather soon after, which contained an early version of the band’s inescapable alternative hit “Possum Kingdom.” After Pleather, the band scored a major label deal with Interscope. The platinum-selling Rubberneck arrived in 1994.

“They did really well on their first major release,” Sciara said in an email interview. “But then it appeared that Interscope just dropped the ball or lost interest. They were such a great band live, I never understood how they weren't huge stars. And super cool people.”

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Tall grass

Sciara would go on to sign unique and influential bands like Brainiac and The Wrens.

“Since I had never run a label before, I was going purely on how much I liked what they submitted,” Sciara said. “Obviously not the best business model for running a label, but for the money we offered it worked to some respect. The longer I ran the label, the more I understood what was needed from them [the bands] regarding can they tour etc.”

There were few bands of the 90s that radiated weirdo energy as brightly and brilliantly as Brainiac. The documentary Transmissions from Zero chronicles the significant impact the band had on the music scene at the time. It also shows a band on the brink of mainstream success. Brainiac released two albums on Grass, Smack Bunny Baby and Bonsai Superstar, before departing for Touch & Go. The band’s forward motion was sadly cut short by Tim Taylor’s death in 1997. Prior to this, Interscope was expressing interest in the band.

“If Tim hadn't passed I'm pretty sure they'd have been the biggest [band on the label],” Sciara said.

Original Brainiac guitarist Michelle Bodine said Grass’ association with Dutch East India made the label initially attractive.

“[Camille] was super excited about us and we had total creative freedom,” Bodine said. “We also liked the 2-record deal with the option of 3 contract.”

After leaving Brainiac, Bodine would go on to play guitar and sing in O-Matic. The band released its lone album Dog Years in 1996. The album is one of the overlooked gems of the ’90s.

The Wrens’ influence reverberated in more subtle ways. The band’s first two albums, Silver (1994) and Secaucus (1996), provided a blueprint for much of the post-Pixies landscape of ’90s indie rock. They could’ve been much bigger, but still made a significant impression.

“The depth of realization in this record is unparalleled: every angle is perfected,” Pitchfork founder Ryan Schreiber said about Secaucus. The band’s third long awaited album, Meadowlands, dropped in 2001 and received a “Best New Music” tag from the same publication.

Rumblings of a follow-up to Meadowlands have been thrown around for the last 10 years, but a record has yet to materialize.

The level of talent the label had was staggering. A few groups Sciara thought would be bigger ranged from the Irish dream-pop band Chimera to Georgia punk band Sunbrain. “There's more, it would be long list,” Sciara said.

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New shoots

Baltimore

Baltimore punk band Liquor Bike had released one album before signing a two-record deal with Grass. The band’s first release on the label was Neon Hoop Ride in 1993. Liquor Bike was excited to be on the label because of the Homestead Records connection.

“We loved being on Grass, we toured like crazy,” singer/guitarist David Koslowski said. “We had great booking with Creature Booking.”

Between the booking agency, which had done work with Nirvana, Helmet, the Lunachicks and Jesus Lizard; and the new label things were looking up for the band. The band would have posters up in whatever towns they were playing in and mentions in the local paper. The label would keep them up to date if they had to do things like impromptu radio interviews. When they got off the road, they entered the studio to record The Beauty of Falling Apart. During this time Alan Meltzer, who bought the label from Sciara in 1996, entered the picture.

“At the onset we were pretty psyched because this guy’s got major label distribution,” Koslowski said.

It also helped that Sciara stayed on after the transition.

“We could still work with Camille, who we love,” Koslowski said. “We slept at Camille’s house when we would play up in New York. She’s an amazingly nice, sweet person and very giving.”

Koslowski said the band was given significantly more to record the follow-up based on buzz the band was getting at the time. J Robbins, of Jawbox and Burning Airlines fame, did the cover art and Drew Mazurek produced the album. The band even hired John Lay, who had previously worked with Squeeze, to manage the band.

“By that point we were having decent guarantees,” Koslowski said. “Those two years when I was on Grass I barely worked a real job. I wasn’t making a rockstar living or anything, but I was certainly able to pay my rent and utilities.”

Liquor Bike went on tour with Gas Huffer to promote the forthcoming record. On the tour Koslowski noticed there weren’t posters out and the band didn’t receive write-ups in the local press. To make matters worse, they never received CDs of The Beauty of Falling Apart to sell at shows. Koslowski said Grass had promised this.

“We were pretty confused," Koslowski said. “I mean our record had been mastered already, everything had been sent to the factory.”

Lay soon informed the band Sciara had been fired and the band had been dropped. Koslowski said the band decided to stay on the tour even after being kicked off the label. The band had old records and T-shirts to sell. They had put a lot of work into the tour and didn’t want to waste it.

Liquor Bike eventually released its third album on Merkin after failed meetings with Amphetamine Reptile, Columbia and Interscope. It was the band’s last before the members went their separate ways.

Seade was another band on on Grass that was unfortunately overlooked. Their lone album (Perf) is an underrated ’90s classic.

Prior to Meltzer, Koslowski said that he didn’t think there was any favoritism toward any one band despite the label being so prolific.

“I just think the woman loved music and wanted to spread that out to people,” Koslowski said of Sciara. “I think she legitimately wanted to help people, you know, help these bands out. She was nothing but giving.”

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Omaha

Mousetrap, an Omaha-based punk band, hoped to initially get a deal with Homestead when it sent in two 7” singles.

“Camille really liked our singles and got in touch with us.” Patrick Buchanan, Mousetrap’s singer/guitarist said in an email interview. “We developed a great relationship with her, and eventually she offered to sign us — we were given the opportunity to sign either with Homestead OR with Grass, which was a brand-new label at the time.”

Buchanan said the band thought it would possibly get overlooked in Homestead’s large stable of well-established bands and decided to sign with Grass.  He also said Sciara made a large difference.

“Camille was one of the coolest people we had ever met in ‘the business’ – she just seemed really genuine, straightforward and honest,” he said. “Those are the types of people we wanted to work with. So our relationship with Camille was probably the main thing that made us sign with Grass.”

Mousetrap would go on to release three albums on the label, starting with Cerebral Revolver in 1993. The band was a big influence on Commander Venus, an Omaha band featuring a young Connor Oberst.

“They were definitely a big deal in Omaha and everybody loved them,” Oberst said of Mousetrap in an episode of the Turned Out a Punk podcast earlier this year.

Commander Venus came in contact with Grass through Mousetrap. The band signed to the label when Oberst was only 14. The band also featured Rob Nansel, who would go on to co-found Saddle Creek Records. Oberst said the band recorded its first album, Do You Feel At Home, in 1995.

“That was a good experience and a learning experience,” Oberst said. “I also think it kind of made it more apparent that even if you do get an opportunity like that, you know, you’re a little fish in a big pond. And maybe people aren’t going to work as hard or care about it.”

He said that this was mitigated by having the support system of a local scene in Omaha. The band ended up releasing its 1995 debut on Lumberjack, which later became Saddle Creek. The band released one more album, The Uneventful Vacation, before Oberst formed Bright Eyes.

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Promoting growth

Alan Meltzer came into the picture with a retail background. He had previously owned Titus Oaks Records in Long Island. He went on to found CD One Stop in 1985, which was purchased by Alliance in 1993. Meltzer became Alliance’s president during this time but left the company in 1995. Meltzer acquired Grass in 1995 from Dutch East India Trading (the label’s owner/distributor), finalizing major label distribution through BMG in 1996.

“When I heard the Grass repertoire, I almost fell down,” Meltzer said in a 1996 Billboard Magazine article. “I heard so much good material.”

“Alan was shopping around looking to purchase an established label with an extensive catalog that he could pour endless money into,” Sciara said. “He originally wanted Homestead Records. A great label owned by Dutch East as well. But once he saw the contracts and issues with some of the ‘grey’ areas in them, he then moved on to Grass.”

Meltzer did have some legitimate interest in the label as an artistic venture.

“He absolutely was obsessed with the Wrens once he heard them and Commander Venus,” Sciara said. “He was sure with all his resources, money and big ass staff he could make them huge stars. He failed. Not the bands’ fault.”

Grass would have the name (and credibility) of an indie, but the corporate reach of a major. Meltzer looked at the new situation as the best of both worlds.

“We’re not a major label, but we’re not an undercapitalized, disorganized independent that’s out there on a wing and prayer,” Meltzer said. “We’re somewhere in the middle. We’re staffed, we have the organization, and we’ve got the know-how. I opted for major distribution because the majors are better at it.”

Grass kept Sciara on as a VP of A&R (artists and repertoire) and expanded Grass’ workforce to 20 in-house employees, according to the Billboard article. The label’s future looked bright. Bodine left Brainiac and formed O-Matic (also signed to Grass) when the change happened.

“…It seemed better – they had a nice office in Manhattan with an open stairwell area and glass walls,” Bodine said. “It was very modern and cool. The budget was much bigger. They hired more people and we felt like we had a good support system.”

“When we went there it felt like money,” Koslowski said.

Koslowski only met Meltzer once at a Grass Christmas party.

“He was a typical New York money guy when I met him,” Koslowski said. “I didn’t get a good vibe. He didn’t have that indie spirit that Camille had unfortunately.”

The meeting didn’t go well.

“I remember drinking a bit and messing with him,” Koslowski said. “I said ‘hey Alan I wanted to see if I could run this by you. You know that new Liquor Bike record we’re working on? We got the artwork but we just wanted to run the title by you and make sure it’s cool. We want to call it Eat My Fuck Asshole.’”

Meltzer and his wife were horrified, according to Koslowski.

Yellowing, patchy

In an oral history with Stereogum, Wrens bassist and singer Kevin Whelan said the band was picking up steam.

“So Secaucus came out and it started to do somewhat well and “Surprise Honeycomb” was starting to get recognized and played on different shows, and we thought that international fame was around the corner,” Whelan said.

And then the call came in.

“He [Meltzer] said, ‘Well, boys, I’m not going to give you any more money. If you don’t sign with me today, it’s over.’ So, I remember, we sat in the van, we looked at the empty gas tank and we were like, ‘Well, I guess we’re not signing, let’s get the credit cards out and see how we can get home.’”

According to the Wrens’ website bio, Meltzer wasn’t pleased.

“[Meltzer], infuriated, commences layoffs of involved record company personnel and vows that ‘the next band to walk through that door will be made famous – at any cost,’” the bio states. “The next band through the door is Creed. Grass Records becomes Wind-Up Records. Creed becomes famous at any cost.”

By the time of the Wind-Up transition, Moustrap had already fulfilled its contract when it released its third album The Dead Air Sound System.

“At that time, Mousetrap was not very active,” Buchanan said. “I think we had become rather disheartened by how much time and love we put into the band, while getting very little recognition on any type of national level. At that point we were physically and mentally exhausted by constant touring and recording, with very little in the way of tangible success to show for it. So we didn’t really have any relationship with the label by the time it became Wind-Up.”

When the label wasn’t as successful as Meltzer thought, he brought in Steve Lerner. This was effectively the end of Grass Records.

“I was let go along with 8 to 10 others when Meltzer brought in Steve Lerner to run the company,” Sciara said. “The new staff felt Grass was too much related to me so hence a name change.”

“With Lerner serving as his right-hand man, the duo transformed Wind-up into a $100 million-plus sales operation with multi-platinum acts like Evanescence and Creed,” a 2007 Billboard article said.

Death, new high-yield crops

Grass was rebranded as Wind-Up, a key player in the nu metal and post-grunge universe, in 1997. Many of the Grass bands were dropped to make room for the likes of Finger Eleven, Creed and Evanescence. Meltzer, who ran the label with his wife at the time Diana, finally found his cash machine.

“I was extremely happy because, although Creed was a mega-seller and saved his label, I wanted nothing to do with that and the direction the label was taking,” Sciara said. “Not knocking it. You need artists like that to sustain a label that had an enormous payroll and nice offices. I totally get it, it’s a business. But I was happy running a small label with smaller contacts and cooler bands that didn't have to compromise their sound to write a ‘hit.’ That’s what he was always looking for.”

The transition to Wind-Up in 1997 did have some overlap with former Grass artists. The second Commander Venus album was released by Wind-Up and Thick (with a later release on Saddle Creek). Pollen, a rough-edged pop-punk act that had released two albums on Grass, dropped Peach Tree on Wind-Up. Baboon’s sophomore album Secret Robot Control was also released in 1997 on the new label.

Slowpoke’s Virgin Stripes, the final vestige of Grass Records, was a co-release with DGC in 1998. The album didn’t break the band, but it’s not a stretch to imagine it could have (especially since it boasted a song as infectious as “Belladonna”). The album retains some of band’s outsider noisy energy, but delivers it in a package palatable enough for the post-grunge crowd. Past this point, Wind-Up focused mostly on its new sound.

Koslowski didn’t initially know Wind-Up was the successor to Grass. One day someone mentioned to him that he was labelmates with Creed.

“I was like ‘wow, OK I guess he got his hit,’” Koslowski said.  

Meltzer died in 2011 at 67. He made headlines by leaving $1 to his chauffeur and $500,000 to his doorman. Bodine saw this as frustrating because of how he left things with other Grass bands.

“He owed lots of bands money so it’s just really fucked up that he didn’t pay them/us. Liquor Bike did get theirs before he died only because they were persistent,” said Bodine.

In 2013 Wind-Up was purchased by Bicycle Music Company with distribution by Concord Music Group. In 2015 the two companies merged to form Concord Bicycle Music. Craft Recordings manages the label’s reissues.

https://www.youtube.com/embed/wZBpr1tDktI

Rare strain

Aside from Brainiac and The Wrens, many of the bands on the label aren’t on streaming platforms. The physical releases on Grass are mostly out of print. A sea of fantastic experimental indie music remains in this gray area. This doesn’t seem to be changing.

“Unfortunately, I haven’t a clue about if there are plans of Wind-Up re-releasing any back catalog,” Sciara said. “It’s sad really. Holding peoples’ artistic work hostage or just ignoring it seems cruel. Hopefully Wind-Up did the right thing and gave them back their masters, rights etc. Or at least license it to someone else to release.”

The three Mousetrap albums are stuck in this place.

“I wish more people had the chance to hear our music, so yeah I wish it was easily available,” said Buchanan. “Sure, we wanted to be popular — but the most important thing for us was that we made the music we wanted to make. We always did things our way — for ourselves, with no regrets. So even if the albums are harder to get, we’ll always have the memories — and those who were there to witness it will, too.”

Liquor Bike’s lawyer was able to secure the master tapes and artwork for The Beauty of Falling Apart with no questions asked. The band also has the master tapes for Neon Hoop Ride.  

“Crazily enough, Grass did not make us buy Beauty of Falling Apart from them,” Koslowski said. “I have heard from some of my fellow Grass artists that they wanted to charge an incredible amount of money.”

Neon Hoop Ride was remastered and briefly available on streaming services. The album was only available digitally and did not get a physical rerelease.

Greener pastures

Following her departure from Grass, Sciara started Ten23 (Oct. 23, 1996 was the day she was fired from Grass). The label released The Wren’s EP 1135 before folding.

“It seemed like a great idea,” she said. “Didn't put out anything else after that release. It was an expensive endeavor starting a label from scratch, so to speak, and at the time I was unemployed.”

From there she went on to work at the Knitting Factory label group and eventually Narnack Records. She uprooted from N.Y. to move to L.A. to work at the latter. She eventually ended up back in N.Y. where she was a manager at Petland Discounts for 12 years until it closed in 2019.

Buchanan has gone on to release music as Vicious Lovers. Mousetrap has plans to release new music for the first time in 20 years according to Buchanan. Some of Mousetrap’s music can be streamed here:

Michelle Bodine went on to play guitar in Shesus, which was signed to Narnack. The band released an album and an EP before splitting up. Bodine has since been participating in Brainiac reunion shows and was featured in the Brainiac documentary Transmissions from Zero.

David Koslowski went on to play in the post-rock band Vivid Low Sky and the power-pop band Gerty. He currently owns a coffee shop/record store in Baltimore called Baby’s on Fire.

“I loved every aspect of being on Grass, except for the very end,” Koslowski said. “I also loved how diverse Camille had the label. A lot of friends from that time from those bands, I’m still friends with them. It was like a really cool little group of people that all got to share in something for as brief of a time period as it was.”

If you have questions, information or concerns I can be reached at powers3317@gmail.com.

CORRECTION: A previous version of this article spelled David’s last name as Kozlowski. It’s actually Koslowski. Also, J. Robbins just did the cover art for the band’s third album. Drew Mazurek actually produced it. Godplow is a great band but they’re from Minneapolis, not Baltimore.

[masked-buffoon]

Chapter 12: Curtain call (Part 6)

Warnings: none

Author notes: and this is the last part... I hope you liked the chapter...! Do tell me what you think about it in the comments...! I’ll take a moment to write the next chapter, then I’ll come back...!

"Eh? Not yet…?"

I felt disheartened when Dazai told me I was still unable to obtain my detective license.

It had been a couple of days since the case had ended. Sakunosuke-kun had gone back to his mother, who had immediately taken fate in her own hands. She was a brave woman and, despite how mentally weak she had been described to us, she had not dwelled too much on the past events, determined to give her son the best life possible. After thanking us for everything, she had left to a hotel, pending to find a proper home. Ever since, I had rested and taken care of a few minor cases with either Dazai or Kunikida. But I was still not a detective…

"There are things that need to be done before~ That's all I can tell you~" My friend answered as vaguely as ever.

"Thanks for your wonderfully useful advice." I rolled my eyes.

So, the entrance exam was not over… Even if the case was completed…

The Agency was unexpectedly calm in the afternoon, so I decided to go out and have a walk. I had bought a brand new computer for the Fox and wanted to deliver it to him myself. What kind of face would he make, I wondered… He would most certainly be surprised… Or shocked? Messing with him was terribly fun and I was terrified to realise I was getting used to it… Why, it was true that he had interesting reactions…

I had had the large package delivered to a shop near the abandoned building, so I would not have to carry it for too long. At this hour, he was either looking for clients in the old underground casino or working at his place. I tried my luck, without trying to be discreet, this time.

"Fox…!" I exclaimed upon seeing him.

He calmly turned towards me, and grinned, visibly happy.

"Ogawa…! You came back…! Well, I did see you on the surveillance cameras I installed after the panicked attack you gave me last time… But still, I'm glad to see you…!"

"I'm happy to know you enjoy my company so much." I chuckled "I also heard you set your bomber friend free?"

"Indeed." He confirmed "Thanks~ What's that thing you're carrying around by the way?"

"Oh that? It's for you. As an apology for the one I broke, and a thank you gift, too."

"I thought you had no more money…?" He accepted the present.

"I officially am ruined." I smirked "But, you know, I still have one or two offshore accounts from my days in the Port Mafia…~"

"Oh… I see. That's a valuable information you're giving me there~"

His eyes widened when he opened the package.

"Seriously…?!"

"... Is it not to your taste…?"

"You have to be kidding, that computer is…" He paused "It's awesome…! One of the best currently on the market…!"

"Well, I figured, since you'll work for me in the future, I need you to be more efficient than you are now." I declared, satisfied.

"So you officially got accepted into the Agency?"

"Not yet…" I sighed "There is still something left to be done, but I don't know what…"

"Only you can find that out. Except if you can read their mind…"

"That'd be cheating…"

"Didn't you already cheat to solve your case by coming to me?"

"That was… Another type of cheating." I crossed my arms.

"If you say so… Well, I hope for you that you'll get that job. I have something that might interest you about that, if you want, by the way."

"About the Agency…?"

"Its director. He has an ability which allows his subordinates to control theirs. Isn't that something you'd be after…?"

I looked down.

"It's true that, a week ago, I would have tried everything to get my hands on such an ability… Controlling The Sweet Appeals… That's something I've yearned for since… Since my birth, I guess. But if I don't meet the criteria to become a detective, I don't care anymore… I did my best, and I spent wonderful moments by their side… With that memory, I feel I don't even mind dying." I admitted.

"Is that so…?"

"Yes…! I think I am happy now, Fox. When you're happy, it doesn't matter whether you die or not."

"... Shouldn't it be the opposite…?"

"When you're miserable, you want to die, of course, but it'll leave a bitter taste when it's time to go… I know that feeling, I've experienced it, once. But when you're happy, you can leave without regrets. That's the most important to me." I smiled.

"I see… Well, I'm not here to discuss philosophy with you."

"I'm sorry, you were surely in the middle of an important work…"

"Obviously…! I finally found my neighbour's cat and I got another client… I was just talking to them when you came in."

"Oh, my apologies, then…! Please don't mind me, I'll leave…!"

"It's not a big deal." He snickered "Actually, that client wants to talk to you, too."

"Don't tell me…"

He turned on the screen of his computer. Sitting with his back turned towards us, Dazai was swinging on his chair, humming a song only he knew of.

"Dazai…" I groaned "I should have doubted it…"

"Oh, Ogawa…! Here you are, finally…!" He turned towards me.

"You heard everything?" I deduced.

"I, and, in fact, the entire Agency did."

I blushed, embarrassed. All these sweet and naive words… They had heard them…? What about my image of a stern young woman…?!

"Goddammit… You set me up…!"

"Kind of." He laughed "I asked the Fox a favour. We still needed to see what you would do with the information about Fukuzawa-san, after all. To see if you weren't going to threaten him, for example~"

"Who are you taking me for…?" I raised an eyebrow "Really, you…"

"Give me some space…" Yosano-sensei groaned, pushing Dazai aside to sit in front of the screen.

"Sensei…"

"That's me…! You remember our last talk?"

My heart thumped in my chest, painfully.

"Vividly…" I said.

"I understand. I'd like to discuss it with you again, if you'd like. I have something you may want…"

"I'm coming."

I immediately made my way back to the Armed Detective Agency, where the doctor was waiting for me. She offered me a drink in the cafe beneath the offices. I did not dare talk, afraid of what she would tell me. I had had to reflect on my relationship with my deceased mother and admit I had been loved… The only person I had talked to about this matter was Dazai, but that was because he knew the identity of the real murderer. I looked down, barely touching my black tea, as she took a look at a file. She pushed it in front of me.

"First of all, I want you to know that you really are your father's daughter."

I blinked at her.

"What…?"

"I had a paternity test done to see whether Taikin-san was your father or not. He had a suspicious behaviour, mostly regarding the picture you found..." She told me "The results are negative. I'm sorry, but you truly are an Ogawa…"

"It doesn't matter… Being a Taikin would have been as disgusting, anyway…" I mumbled "And they're all dead now..."

"So… What answer have you come up with?"

"Regarding my mother…?"

Her eyes were enough to answer me. I thought for a moment.

"Before I tell you, sensei… There is something you must know." I raised my eyes at her "The massacre I have told you about… I am the one who committed it. With my own hands, I murdered the ones who had given life to me, and spared my sister on purpose."

Her look was one of horror. I was expecting just as much. Sitting in front of a disgusting person like me, who had sinned and gone against the world itself by killing her parents. There was no redemption possible for a parricide like me. There was not even a chance, for no one would ever be willing to give it to me. No human on this Earth was able to smile and say I was forgiven.

"I thought so…" She simply sighed "Your behaviour… You were not appeased the least, as though you blamed yourself… I understand better why you reacted so strongly when I told you that your mother loved you… You felt guilty because, deeply, you already knew so… Am I right?"

"In fact… You can't be righter…" I chuckled bitterly "I killed someone I shouldn't have… But killing isn't like hurting; you can't go back on your deeds. So, indeed… My mother loved me, dearly, and, to thank her, I took her life. Am I not loathsome? Am I not someone you won't ever want to see again?"

I had not noticed that, as I was pronouncing these words, I had gradually stood up from my chair. I was oddly panting, distressed, and barely containing my tears. Yosano-sensei did not say a thing. Instead, she brought a hand to my head, and patted it gently. Why…?

"I am sure that, from where she is, she is happy that you finally understood her feelings, even if you cannot tell her directly anymore…"

I sat back, astonished. Did she not… Hate me…?

"I… Are you not… Grossed out, by me…?"

"Why would I be?" She put a reassuring hand on top of mine "I'd rather try and empathise, instead of judging you. You are Ogawa, don't let your past define you. I know the you now. Perhaps I would have detested the previous Ogawa, but I like the present you and it is all that matters to me. The only thing I wanted, truly, was for you to recognise your mother's love, not to be unfair to her… Had I known that the burden was this heavy, surely I would have asked you to take more time, but… You should know you don't have to live with that guilt forever."

Her opinion differed completely from Dazai's and mine. How could I not feel eternally guilty for an unrepairable crime…? Was it not my punishment for being so blind…? I asked her.

"It is true that guilt will haunt you, but…" Her face darkened a second "You'll learn to live with it. Your mother wouldn't have wanted you to carry that weight forever… Eventually, you will have to let go. You said you were happy… Please, look forward to tomorrow instead of remembering that terrible past. Let ghosts be what they are; ghosts. You can only move on…"

"So I… I should focus on what I should do next… Shouldn't I…?"

"That's exactly it. You're a detective of our Agency. Be proud of it, and don't lower your eyes."

"Well…" I attempted a poor joke "I'm not yet a detective…"

"That's because I forgot something…"

Hidden under the paternity test she had shown me earlier was an official card from the government. My name was written on it and it was signed by the director himself. My detective license…

"Yosano-sensei… Truly, I —"

Dizziness got the better of me without any apparent reason. The world turned around me and I fell from my chair, only to be caught before hitting the cold floor.

"A predicted reaction…~" Dazai's voice echoed in my ear.

"That weird sensation…" I muttered "As though I can actually… Control these voices… That's the directory ability, isn't it…?"

"Mmh… You worked well, Ogawa." He put a hand on my head "Just rest for now… Kunikida-kun will forgive you that much~"

"... I guess he will… Can I decide to… Sleep…?"

"You're in control now." He assured me, before adding, lower "You're really going to live, now…"

I closed my eyes. Yes, I would live, day after day. I had been reborn as a new person, as a detective. These years of torments were finally over…

A single tear rolled on my cheek as I lost consciousness.

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #337

“if i showed you my soul, would you cover your eyes?”

What's your favorite brand of chips? I like Lays best. Are you a good painter? My Painting teacher when I was in college last said I did wonderfully, but I definitely beg to differ. Before buying a car, do you usually test drive it? N/A Have you ever written a poem and then read it aloud? No, but a teacher has. It was so fucking awkward; it was very pacifist, the topic being about war, and it had some depressing tones of death; there was just silence at the end of it, and I still don't know if it was shock or "what the fuck, she's messed up." There was this one guy that went, "Nobody is going to clap at that?", though, which I thought was pretty nice and reassuring. Do you like pineapple? Yeah, I do. Have you ever met your favorite author? I don't have a favorite author. Have you and your best friend ever liked the same person? No. Do you have any freckles? Not on my face (though oddly enough, I did as a kid?), but on random parts of my body. How many different languages can you say goodbye in? English, German, and then Spanish. Do you like or hate the smell of fish? I hate it. Have you ever been to Sea World? As a child, yes. I'd never go as an adult. Do you know someone who suffers from short-term memory loss? I don't know how this is actually diagnosed, but my memory is absolutely fucking nightmarish, almost exclusively in short-term situations. I can remember the most obscure events from my childhood, but not what I said to you five seconds prior. I'm rather sure my medications have made it worse over time. Have you ever read any of John Green's books? I got like, one chapter or less into The Fault in Our Stars before the book got replaced with the Wings of Fire series, so I never finished it. Are you a protective person? I'm an immensely protective person over those that matter to me. Have you ever experienced an earthquake? No, thankfully. I'm terrified of earthquakes. What's one thing that makes everything in life worthwhile? The fact that to our proven knowledge, this is the only one we'll ever experience. What type of waffles do you like? (Plain, blueberry etc..) I prefer plain, but I can eat chocolate chip ones as well as blueberry and strawberry. Have you ever seen the show Wife Swap? Yeah, I actually quite like it. Do you like chicken or beef better? Or do you not eat meat? Chicken, I think. I eat meat, but wish I didn't. What brand of dish soap do you use? Dawn, usually. Do any of your neighbors have dogs? Yes, and they never shut up. Do you believe in fortune tellers? They're money-driver bullshitters. Have you ever been to one? No, and judging by the fervor in the above question, I hope you can tell I never would do so and thus monetarily support them. Do you like regular or chocolate milk better? Chocolate, of course. But I love normal milk, too. Once again, wish I didn't, though. Forcing a cow to constantly reproduce to lactate is pretty fucking cruel. Growing up, did you listen to country music? I actually did. Do you normally wash your hands in warm or cold water? If it's just a quick wash, it's usually cold because our water takes quite a few moments to warm up. However, if I'm looking to thoroughly wash my hands, it's gotta be relatively hot. Do you believe in mediums? I see them in a worse light than I do fortune tellers, so... Like sure, manipulate grieving people for profit, sounds great. Have you ever been to one? Obviously not. Have you ever dated someone on the football team? No. Do you have a gazebo at your house? No. Do you like tomatoes? Solely when straight from a garden and on a bacon and mayonnaise sandwich. Otherwise I am noooot a fan. Are you a competitive person? Not very, but there's a tiny spark in me, really when it just comes to photography. I hate it. Google or Bing? Does literally anyone use Bing? What's your favorite brand of bottled water? Essentia. Do you have any ceramic animals in your house or outside? Ummm I don't think so. Have you ever given someone flowers? Yes. What is something you might eat with a hamburger? Fries or mac and cheese. What is a sport that you’ve always wanted to play, but never got a chance to. None. What is a fruit that you might eat in the morning? A banana. Who might you send a selfie to? I don't send selfies to anyone. About how many pages is the longest book you’ve ever read? I THINK it surpassed 1,000? At least in the high hundreds. Who would you call first after getting engaged to tell them the news? Probably Mom. Around what time do you start feeling tired enough to go to sleep? Truth be told, it's usually arouund 7-8. I rarely make it to 9:00 nowadays. What trends do you refuse to give in to? I don't even know what's trendy right now. What subjects in history interest you most? As dark as it is, I find the Holocaust interesting to learn about. Are you superstitious in any way? No. How do you get rid of anxiety? What a relevant question, being in a partial hospitalization program right now. Coping skills that help me are doing deep breathing, mindfulness exercises, and a little jerk back to reality is splashing freezing cold water on my face. It also helps to talk it out with somebody, just get my feelings into words. Then if it's a true anxiety or panic attack, I have my "emergency" anxiety prescription. Are there any items of jewelry you never/rarely take off? My lip and tragus piercings never do, and I always wear two rings. Do you find yourself correcting people’s grammar often? Not really, no. It just seems rude and snobby to me, honestly, if it's not in an educational setting, like helping someone with an essay. Correcting someone in your average conversation is just... unnecessary, imo. Now if you're talking like in surveys and stuff, I definitely do in questions and such, but I don't point it out. Gummi worms: Yay or nay? Yay, love 'em. What do you do when you have ‘me time’? I only ever have "me" time, so what I always do... Do you lack common sense sometimes? I have a horrible lack of common sense, shit's embarrassing. Have you ever poured glue on your hand just to peel it off for fun? No. How do babies make you feel? "Nervous. They’re so damn breakable." <<<< Mood. Would you/Have you milked a cow? No, and I'm not interested. What really gives you the creeps? #!: seeing a baby move inside its mother's stomach. It will actually make me scream and/or cry because it just grosses me the fuck out. Whale sharks' mouths also creep me out big time. Do you ever eat leftover pizza cold? Yeah, I love cold pizza. When you're wanting a midnight snack, what do you normally get? We normally have cashew bars that I like if I'm really hungry. Which cartoon character would you want to keep as a pet? Obviously Pikachu. My niece loves Pikachu anyway, so she'd be ecstatic to see a real one. Or well, maybe I'd go for an Eevee. Not as dangerous with electricity and all but just as cute and small. Do you like marshmallows? Yeah. If you had the opportunity to live forever, would you take it? No. It would ruin so many factors of the temporary nature of life. Things would lose meaning, get old and boring, it'd be much easier to take advantage of things... There are many reasons why I have no desire to live forever. Hell, I even wonder if I want an afterlife for those same reasons. Did you ever really believe in Santa Claus? As a little kid, yeah. Do you like quesadillas? I like cheese, chicken, and shrimp ones. What's the greatest/most influential song you've ever heard? Ozzy's "Life Won't Wait." Do you prefer to pull off band-aids slowly or quickly? I tend to do it slowly. What was the last thing someone told you that had you at a loss for words? Uhhh I feel like Sara said something, but I don't remember what. What was the last health scare you had? Ugh... I'm kind of living in one now. As my legs have been worsening, I'm becoming increasingly concerned I'm eventually going to need a wheelchair for "walking" longer distances. And mind you, "long" for me is probably short for the average person. My knees do nothing but crack incessantly and burn when I use them, and they frequently feel like they're going to give way, and in a few rare instances, have. It's my own fucking fault for not sucking it up and exercising with my mom in the room, so I'd like to move on. What is your favorite filling for a piece of chocolate? Caramel. Do you enjoy the sound of birds chirping? I do. If applicable, what’s your favorite drug, and why? I don't do drugs, so. What was the last TV show you binge-watched? Avatar: The Last Airbender with Sara. Would you rather eat burgers or tacos? Definitely burgers. I don't like tacos. Did your mother change her maiden name when/if she got marred? Yes. What was the last job you applied for? Did you get the job? Deli worker, and yes. Do you use TikTok? No. What decorations do you have in your bathroom? None. Our bathroom is pretty small. Well, the one we use, anyway. The one attached to the master's bedroom isn't cleaned up yet, but we'll use it in case of emergency. What year was your favourite band formed? (Before people think I'm smart, no, I looked the dates up, haha.) Well Ozzy was Black Sabbath's vocalist, and the band formed in 1968, but Ozzy became a solo artist in 1979. What's your favourite fruit? Strawberries. Have you ever had an out-of-body experience? No. Do you prefer gory horror films or the psychological ones? I prefer psychological. Are you easily paranoid? Yeah. Do you have a favorite obsession? Meerkats and Mark are kinda tied, haha. Are you a workaholic? No. Have you ever given a tattoo before and would you like to? No and no; that would be an awful idea, given I have bad tremors in my hands. Have you ever seen the movie Labyrinth? I actually have not. Would you rather be called pretty or hot? Pretty. Have you ever gotten a serious injury at school? What happened? No. Have you ever performed in front of my large group of people? Yes; I was a dancer for many years. Have you ever fundraised? If so, what for? You know how Facebook recommends making fundraisers for a charity of your choice for your birthday? I've done that for the Trevor Project and two charities for ovarian and pancreatic cancers. Are you wearing earrings right now? Ugh, no, even though I want to be. The first holes in my ears are just too stretched for normal earrings because I wore heavy ones too often, and I just don't have nice earrings. I still want to get very small gauges to put in the stretched holes. Name a singer whose voice makes you swoon? Fall Out Boy's Patrick Stump can do that, holy shit. "America's Suitehearts" does it for me, man. Y'know, when his voice goes all deep. Do your pets follow you when you walk around the house? My cat Roman is quite literally my shadow. Where I go, he goes. What do you do online? I seem to only exist online, really, so I've got a lot on my plate to choose from, yet I'm still bored half the time, haha. I'm essentially always watching or listening to YouTube, I play World of Warcraft for varying amounts of time depending on the day, I scroll through deviantART, check KM periodically, do surveys obviously, "work" at the wikis I contribute to, wander around on Facebook... idk, that's all I really do at least semi-regularly online. Haha oh, wait, I also check Craigslist like... every day for tarantula and hognoses even though I can't currently get either. Let me dream. Do you have any scars on your face? I have a couple on my chin from when I fainted and busted it open. What countries were your grandparents born in? In the US. What was the most damaging relationship (romantic or not) that you’ve ever been a part of? Ultimately, with Jason, because of how it ended. The relationship itself wasn't at all damaging to me, but the breakup shook my entire fucking world. When in your life was your self-esteem at its lowest point? Self-esteem? Now. I'm very unhappy with my weight going back up, my body is just in poor health in general, I'm not employed, not in school... I just feel like a lowlife. Who was the last person you cut out of your life? Do you regret it? I want to say my sister's mother-in-law. Sure don't, considering she revealed her disgusting support for conversion therapy. I'm civil around her in person, but I kicked that woman off my Facebook so fucking quick when I saw that shit. Who is the most attractive person you know personally? That I know personally... I would say Alon, but I haven't seen even a picture of her in forever. Summer, though, shares selfies frequently, and by god is she gorgeous. I know a lot a lot of beautiful women, asldkjf;awe. It's funny that I'm blanking on men, at least involving people I still "know"/are somehow present in my life. Would you rather look older or younger than you are? I'm fine looking my age. Have you ever dated someone who was very vastly different from your “type”? No. What is the biggest project you’re currently working on? I suppose you can count an RP plot as a "project." I'm procrastinating so bad on it because it is going to be A LOT of writing. Is there a person from your past that you wonder about frequently? Who? Take a shot in the dark for me. Who knows you best, excluding romantic partners? My mother. What are your thoughts on human creation? I believe we evolved. How many people have you had sex with? One. Have you ever had a yard sale? Yeah. Have you ever been surfing? No.

[andaleduardo]

How to Break Your Heart and Make Sure It Stays Broken

2. Send them your favorite songs through Bluetooth    

- Read on ao3

Summary:  12:28 a.m.

Spaghetti: It’s not gonna be weird today

Richie: absolutely

Spaghetti: We’re not gonna make it awkward

Richie: definitely not

Spaghetti: Yeah we got this

Everything is just fucking fine.

7th January 2011, Friday

10:30 a.m.

“Congratulations, you just called the best family in town. What can I help you with?”

“Hu-hey Richie.”

“Billy boy! Happy birthday, man!”

The sound of Bill’s chuckles turn into wind over the phone. “Thanks.”

“So, what’s up?”

“I wanted to check if you’re s-ss-still coming today?”

“Course I am, what time do you want me there?”

“Come around 3. It’s t-too cold to go out so we’re just guh-gonna stay in the attic.”

“Well alright, chap. I’ll be there.”

“And don’t forget my dad’s driving everyone home.”

Richie did, in fact, forget about that.

“Oh yeah, right.”

There’s a second of silence before Bill speaks again. “Are you okay? You huh-haven’t been online lately.”

“Just peachy. You know how it gets, holiday season, kinda busy ‘round here.”

Although Bill knows Richie usually spends the holidays with just his parents (small family’s downside) he doesn’t say anything.

“We’ll have s-some fun today, don’t worry.”

“Indeed we will. See you at 3, birthday boy.”

“See you, Rich.”

And he hangs up.

  12:28 a.m.

Spaghetti: It’s not gonna be weird today

Richie: absolutely

Spaghetti: We’re not gonna make it awkward

Richie: definitely not

Spaghetti: Yeah we got this

  Richie is absolutely exhausted.

The entire week was a failed attempt at learning how to deal with the situation.

Sleep is an utter joke with a mind that runs as if it’s training for a marathon. Looking at food makes him nauseous, not eating food makes him nauseous, but eating it makes it worse.

Perhaps it would help if he could untie the knot in his throat, but then again he can’t cry properly when his parents are always around and poking a head through his bedroom door.

He wants school to start, he doesn’t want school to start. He wants them to go back to work, he doesn’t want to be left alone with his feelings.

And on top of it all he knows he’s overreacting. Absolutely over-the-top reacting. He’s fifteen. It’s not like he knows love.

But doesn’t he?

It hurts and it’s love. It burns as it makes its way up his throat and it’s love. It was amazing while he kept his mouth shut and now everything seems to be falling on him and his chest is heavy and caving and hungrier than his stomach and he caused it and it’s love.

Unrequited love, if you will. A fancy word for a fucked up thing.

To top it off, Eddie doesn’t stop.

 January 1st, 3:45 p.m.

Spaghetti: I hate you

Spaghetti: No wait I don’t hate hate you

Spaghetti: But

Spaghetti: Ugh

Spaghetti: I’m gonna be thinking about this now!

Spaghetti: And I don’t want us to change

Spaghetti: Like, I said “I hate you” and I would never second guess that before but now I feel like I need to tell you “I don’t actually hate you” because

Spaghetti: Well

Spaghetti: I don’t know why

Richie: sorry

Spaghetti: !

Spaghetti: Stop apologizing

Richie: … i really wanna say sorry again

Spaghetti: I don’t blame you

Spaghetti: It’s not like we control our feelings

 Damn right, they don’t. Richie isn’t sure how to answer that, so he doesn’t. But Eddie brings it up again one day later.

 January 2nd, 9:10 p.m.

Spaghetti: I think I kinda knew

Richie: ??? are u serious

Spaghetti: Well yeah

Richie: am I that predictable?

Spaghetti: You’re the least predictable person in the whole world Richie

Spaghetti: Except with the mom jokes

Spaghetti: I can always see those coming

Richie: yet you walk right onto them every time

Spaghetti: Fuck you.

Spaghetti: It’s just that the others aren’t that subtle

Richie: the losers?

Spaghetti: Yeah they try too hard

Spaghetti: Tease us a lot for being close and saying things and leaving us alone everywhere

Spaghetti: Guess I kinda wondered why they did that if they didn’t know something I didn’t

Richie: uh, they kinda don’t tho

Richie: at least I never told them

Spaghetti: Wait really?

Richie: maybe they’re just bored?

Spaghetti: Oh

Spaghetti: Maybe

 It’s only been a week so far (the longest week of Richie’s life) and Eddie texts him every day with the same topic. This, as predicted, isn’t helping the situation much.

It’s Tuesday. There’s Richie, staring at his cereal while Maggie studies him from the other side of the table and surprise, a brand new text from Eddie.

It’s Wednesday. There’s Richie, staring at the news channel because he forgot to press the button on the tv remote when he sat down on the couch 6 minutes ago. And then there’s his dad, looking at him from his vintage recliner and coming up with ten different ways to start a conversation without actually starting one. The phone’s screen lights up with against his leg with a new notification. Yes, from Eddie.

Finally, it’s Friday. Out of habit, Richie leaves the phone on the bathroom countertop as he showers. It takes a lot of self-control not to pull all his hair out while washing it when the phone vibrates against the counter. Once, then twice, then thrice. And so on to make up the total of 9 new messages.

Thank God he doesn’t walk out of the shower right then to check them out of curiosity, because 10 minutes later he’s sitting on the toilet seat and staring at “I hate you” for so long his mom actually knocks on the door and asks if he died in there.

He didn’t die in there, he’s just crying. Buy hey, mom, that’s the dream!

All the messages fall in the same lines. Eddie doesn’t want this to be awkward. He doesn’t want this to be weird. He doesn’t want anything to change.

Logically, Richie draws conclusions. He fucked up big, ruined them forever and now everything is inconvenient for Eddie. It’s not that hard to get it after six variations of:

 ‘You’re not gonna be different around me now right?’

 How can he not be different around Eddie now?

What if their knees touch and Eddie thinks it’s on purpose? What if Richie smiles in his direction and Eddie takes it as flirting? Christ. Richie doesn’t even know how to flirt! Should he sit far away from him now? Should he sit by his side like always and have Eddie think he’s doing it out of interest?

Richie didn’t just make everything inconvenient for Eddie, he made everything inconvenient for himself, too.

However, it’s Bill’s birthday, and that’s more important than a broken heart.

  5:48 p.m.

 “You’re cheating!” Everyone jumps on their seats when Stan shouts and slams his hand on the coffee table. It sends all the plastic houses on the monopoly board in different directions.

“What? No I’m not!” Bev defends herself.

“Nah.” Mike crosses his arms. “I don’t believe that.”

“You don’t believe she’s cheating?” Stan angrily inquires.

“I don’t believe she’s not cheating.” Says Mike.

“I am not fucking cheating, you guys are just awful at managing money.”

Stan’s chin drops in her direction. “You- I manage money wonderfully, thank you very much-”

While the arguing continues, Ben takes his time putting all the houses back on their places. Bill tries to make them stop fighting while Mike destroys all those attempts by teaming up with Bev and Stan alternately. Eddie furiously counts and recounts his money, being the one closest to bankrupt. And Richie silently organizes the contents of the bank. He doesn’t like monopoly that much.

“Maybe our bank over there has something to do with this?” Richie feels everyone’s eyes on him so he looks up at Mike from above his glasses.

“How could you ever think such things about me, Mikey?” He dramatically puts down the stack of property cards he had been sorting. “I do nothing but humble work for this community and this is how I’m treated. Unbelievable.”

“Richie, I swear.” Stan glares at him. “You won’t make me lose, even if you cheat.”

“How can I be cheating? I’m not even playing.”

“You’re passing Bev extra money!”

“Geez.” Eddie moans in annoyance. “We forgot Stan gets off on Monopoly.”

At that, Richie barks out a laugh, unable to keep it in but still trying to by slapping a hand over his mouth.

“Okay, fine.” Stan crosses his arms. “I wasn’t even the one suggesting this game, I voted for scrabble.”

“Oh, so the only other game you get off on?” Surprisingly, it slips from Richie’s mouth. He wasn’t at all expecting jokes to be coming from him today.

It’s just wonderfully entertaining to piss off Stan. At this point, the boy’s gotten himself so worked up that his whole face is pink.

“I’m going to shove birthday cake up your a-”

“-Wow! Okay let’s all chill.” Ben kindly tries to stop them.

Richie lifts up a hand full of fake-cash and makes a jerking off motion with the other, which finally triggers Stan into motion. He manages to jump away from the table on the exact moment Stan reaches over to try and jam his hand on his weakest spot, the armpits. But in the process, his knees collide with the bottom of the coffee table and all the board pieces end up flying everywhere. Again.

Ben throws his hands up. “Thank you so very much for that.”

“We will never f-ffinish a monopoly game…”

  6:23 p.m.

“How about Uno?” Ben suggests. “You can’t cheat at Uno, right?”

After being chased by Stan around the attic everyone ended up scattered around, staring at the ceiling and discussing which game to play next. So far it’s been twenty minutes of quiet chatting.

“You can grab three cards when you get a plus four.” Richie offers. “You can also slide in a six while playing some nines, might get lucky.”

There’s a brief second of silence and contemplation.

“How you can turn Uno into a sex joke still amazes me.” Eddie frowns at the ceiling.

Richie shrugs. “I’m pretty amazing overall.” Sweat pools up on the back of his neck with the effort of trying to sound so nonchalant. Richie wants to scream at the normality of his afternoon. Why does life keep going when you’re dealing with heartache? Isn’t the world supposed to stop spinning after you get friendzoned? Show a little compassion, earth.

“I still can’t believe your mom let you keep the phone.”

At Mike’s words, Eddie flops around on his bean bag, looking like a hanged potato sack. “Right? Didn’t see that coming, either.”

“Does she really go through it, though?”

Recently, Eddie’s contact list was updated to include everyone. His mom complained that he didn’t need to be in contact with “those friends” of his any more than he already does. She’s obviously wrong.

Eddie groans in agreement. “She keeps finding the lamest excuses until I give it to her. Then she checks whatever it is she wants and gives it back.”

A wave of fear passes through Richie. Almost on cue, Eddie steals a glance at him and adds. “But I archive the stuff she doesn’t need to read. And I keep Facebook as a hidden app.” Proud of his schemes, he smirks to himself.

Richie sinks back on his bean bag, slightly relieved. The past week of awful sleep is weighting him down, tying him to his worst and holding him back from pretending to be okay a little better. With time, he hopes to learn how to put this behind his back, but right now, Eddie is right in front of him.

“Hey, by the way. Can any of you tell me how to download songs?” The boy at matter asks.

“You know thu-that’s illegal, r-right?”

“Oh.” For a moment, he stares at Bill with a conflicted expression. “Well, I still want my music.”

“Richie, don’t you have a fuck ton of songs downloaded?”

“Yup. Illegal downloads are my number one occupation, Marsh.” Then, he gets it. “Oh, you’re right. Eds, turn Bluetooth on.”

He regrets saying ‘Eds’ oh so quickly, overly nervous that he isn’t allowed to say it anymore. Not that he was ever allowed to say it before, if the way Eddie complains about it 90% of the time means anything. Quickly, Richie spirals into thoughts of their bickering coming to an end, or even worse, becoming one sided and sad if one of them doesn’t feed into it. That would leave the other one hanging, and Richie was already left hanging, Richie is still hanging and he will be hanging on these feelings, on this rejection, for life. That’s what he has to accept, that he loves the only person in the world he could ever love and they don’t love him back. That his future seems sad from the present. That Eddie might drift away when he realizes they can’t mess around like best friends anymore, even if he had said he wouldn’t do that and it wouldn’t happen. But what if he does? What if it happens? Where does that leave him? What is he supposed to-

“Don’t call me that, asshole. And how the fuck do I do that?”

Oh.

The way Eddie speaks drips of familiarity. Just the way it always was with them, just the way it will always be. Richie can’t decide if that’s good or bad, but it pulls him together enough to talk.

“See that weird looking B icon up there?” He waits for Eddie’s answer but the other boy is looking at his phone as if he could catch it on fire with just his eyes.

Richie bites the inside of his cheek, breathes in some bravery and pushes himself up from the bean bag.

“Here,” he walks over and crouches down at Eddie’s side, quickly opening the Bluetooth settings and pairing up their phones while paying too much attention to the space between their hands. Just to make sure they don’t touch. “Do you wanna pick out the songs you want?” He starts giving his phone to Eddie but gets a headshake in return.

“Uh no, that’s fine.” Eddie says, turning his head and therefore putting their faces incredibly close. Richie barely catches himself from falling on his butt right there, and Eddie leans away quickly, obviously not meaning to cause any of this. “I- uh, just chose the ones you think I’d like.”

Richie nods stupidly and rushes back to his seat. While he goes through his music library and picks off songs, all he can think about is ‘This is so hard, too hard, way more difficult than I could possibly imagine and I don’t know if I can go about my life pretending everything is fine when it all feels anything but that.’

“How about Ludo? There’s no way you can cheat at that…”

Simply as if a switch was flipped, Richie multitasks and answers Ben by listing off all the possible ways to cheat at Ludo.

And to the outsider eyes, everything is just fine.

Everything is fine as they order pizza and Richie and Eddie have to ask each other if they can still share their regular favorite, olive and pepperoni. Everything is fine while conversation flows at dinner, except Richie puts his half of the pizza on a plate instead of sharing the box between their laps, and Eddie doesn’t question it. Everything is fine as everyone watches a movie after, and there’s no one to lean his head on Richie’s shoulder, or jab an elbow in his arm when they itch to comment certain scenes.

Then Bill’s dad comes upstairs to remind them it’s time to drive everyone home. And for the first time in his life, Richie is thrilled to hear those words.

On their way home, Eddie sits in the back, earphones plugging his ears deaf to his surroundings. Richie wonders if he should have left out all the love songs, now it’s too late for that. But it’s fine, right?

Everything is just fucking fine.

 perma taglist: @constantreaderfool   @mrs-vh  @eds-trashmouth @girasol-eddie  @reddieforlove @madi-personal  @cheekaspbrak

[artificialqueens]

papa don't preach. (jackie/gigi) — roza

a seven part story where each chapter details a different relationship with jackie based solely on the song correlated to their individual madonna rusical verses.

summary: the year is 1989 and gigi is in love but can't do a damn thing about it. it seems that everything including time is working against her and jackie. [ verse three: papa don't preach ]

author's note: this will probably be my favourite chapter I write because besides nackie I feel like this ship has become some what of a brand for me and I'm glad since I've shipped them since episode one. thank you jankie candle gc for support always.

My Tumblr: @leljaaa / AO3 Link / ( ꈍᴗꈍ)

*.✧

"You coming to the party tonight?"

Gigi turned, closing her locker as she let out a simple huff.

The blonde hated parties.

It seemed a bit strange for the head cheerleader to be so opposed to the pinnacle of what high school popularity was measured. Gigi hummed as she licked the small bit of lipstick stuck to her teeth as she pulled back her long hair.

"Probably not," she said simply as she grinned seeing her best friend  

Crystal groaned, rubbing against her shoulder trying to convince the cheerleader to finally let loose and have some fun. The high school seniors walking down the hallways. She knew that unassertive look from anywhere after a decade of friendship.

"It's gonna be so fun all of the cheer team and some of my girls will be there," her best friend began with a wide smile creeping across her lips as she spoke excitedly at the sentiment that she was beginning to finally be invited to parties their last year of high school.

"If you wanna experience what these parties are like just get two cheap, gas station bottles of Vodka and some snow from down the block."

The redhead hit her shoulders as Gigi gasped, "You're acting like I'm lying! These parties are just excuses for the jocks to up their body count and for everyone to get blackout wasted and wear sunglasses to school the next day."

Alcohol and drugs were fun the first two times until everyone around you turned against you and was in their own psychedelic ward blasting Chaka Khan and AC/DC over their parent's home radio.

"Your boyfriend is gonna be there you know!"

Gigi gnawed at the inside of her cheeks, crossing her arms as they walked towards the parking lot, skipping their last period pottery class together in favour of getting soda from the nearby gas station and sharing a cigarette.

This boyfriend Gigi had was quite interesting.

It was the stereotypical, cutesy head cheerleader with the stunning quarterback that every school and every movie seemed to eat up.

He was decent at best and they were only really together because Gigi was far too afraid to break up with him considering her current situation.

He was cheating. She knew it, she knew for months but still would smile blissfully when he'd come to say hello in the morning or kiss her by Crystal's locker. She saw all of the guilty looks that the other cheerleaders or the side eyes from some of the art students.

She knew.

"I love you ," was something the blonde never heard and she hoped she never would because they both knew in the back of their heads this was purely a mental picture to last the rest of the year and not a relationship.

"I already said no, I told him that Jackie is helping me study for that stupid math exam next week."

Crystal rolled her eyes.

Gigi and Jackie had been seeing each other almost everyday after school for almost three months. She never questioned a single about it, there was no way Gigi would ever be with a woman considering how important her popularity and status at school was to her.

Jackie was extremely sweet and Crystal always enjoyed coming over and seeing Gigi so genuinely happy and glad to have the two of them together.

The Persian was the perfect student every parent dreamed of though from what Jackie explained it was just what every Middle Eastern mother expected.

Debate captain, immaculate grades, student body president two years in a row and extremely passionate. Crystal always felt awful seeing how hard she had to defend herself against all the racist jocks who thought calling her slurs and telling her to go back to Iran was funny.

"I'm from Canada you genius," she'd reply cooly before walking off completely unbothered.

"My mom didn't come to America as a refugee just for me to get offended by some fucking jock." Jackie was truly badass and full of stories.

Crystal could tell that Gigi agreed if the two even with them being complete opposites were so well put together.

"Well, have fun studying," Crystal replied sweetly as always before they managed to slip past the teachers and get into Gigi's black BMW.

Oh we will.

— *.✧

Studying. Studying with Jackie.

"Fucking christ," Gigi moaned as she tightly tugged at Jackie's hair feeling her partner's lips beginning to slip down to her bare stomach.

Well that was a lie.

Three months. Gigi couldn't possibly judge every story and rumour she heard of her boyfriend having sex with other girls at school when not only was the blonde doing the exact same thing but she was doing it with a woman .

Doing this routine with Jackie almost every single night because their parents were almost always gone for work or had late night shifts worked out wonderfully since her mother wanted her to have company while they were traveling constantly.

"Of course your friend can sleep over!"

Friend.

It was 1989. The AIDS crisis horrified everyone even those who hadn't been affected and being out and proud and waving her flag around was not a good idea. It was the worst idea.

Jackie, who was probably the most tolerant person she had ever met, was also scared to come out for multiple reasons though she sighted her cultural background as the main issue.

Gigi didn't even dare make a reference to it with her father still finding it funny to say slurs in her house and out in public shitting on his own masculinity. She'd be a dead girl walking if any of this ever got out.

But god kissing Jackie was ethereal.

"You're beautiful Gigi," she whispered as their lips met for the third time, both of them completely in heaven as they made out on her bed with both of their shirts already discarded on the floor.

"This was so much better than any party," she whispered against her skin as she caressed Jackie's cheek with her thumb. Gigi biting down on her lip as she held back a moan feeling the Persian bite down on her neck.

She was intoxicated every minute they had sex, every time they'd sneak out at lunch or from their individual activities at school and make out in Gigi's car with the air conditioning and radio blasting.

Boys were completely and utterly overrated.

Having sex with a woman was liberating despite the time period they were living through.

It was beautiful, it was the most intimate thing Gigi would ever experience and it only helped that Jackie was the most attractive woman she'd ever laid eyes on.

No one would ever compare to those dark brown eyes and the long, curly black hair that fell all the way down to her hips.

That soft smile and chuckle whenever Gigi would hold her hand or kiss her cheeks while they made out or shared a cigarette in her car.

Every hiss, moan, breath—everything about Jackie was utterly irresistible.

"You're heaven," Gigi breathed out panting as their lips parted, Jackie gently slipped off her lover's skirt as the two of them continued to kiss.

I'm in some deep trouble with this.

"How's your boyfriend," Jackie giggled against her earlobe as Gigi gasped, surprised that the Persian would even make a shady comment especially regarding her relationship status.

It was an odd turn on.

"That was shady," she breathed out with a moan feeling herself completely melt in the warmth building around their bodies. "He's at the party that I refused to go to."

Jackie gave a firm nod before opening her mouth to speak again, "You ever going to actually break up with that prick?" She asked quietly with their hands mangled in each other's hair.

Gigi rolled her eyes, not wanting to think about her stupid boy toy when she had Jackie about to frivolously pound her in the ground for the fourth night in a row.

"Gigi?"

She definitely seemed a bit pushy on the subject of her cheating though Gigi grabbed her wrists and kissed her hard. Jackie couldn't be mad they were kissing again even if it was absolutely a cheap stunt to shut her up.

We're not talking about this right now. The message was loud and clear to the Persian who decided to drop all mentions if it for now.

Fine. You win.

— *.✧

Gigi dragged long on her cigarette, puffing out the smoke as Jackie opened her bedroom window coughing. "This is a daily occurrence I'm noticing, do you always smoke after sex?"

The blonde stared at her lover who was still completely nude, the senior hummed along to the Madonna single that played in the background from her glittery, pink radio.

"If you're gonna stare at me you shouldn't make it so obvious you know," she spoke with a smirk across her lips as she turned towards Gigi who flushed. Jackie pulled the covers over herself as she let her head rest on the blonde's chest.

They closed their eyes and sang along quietly to the music that bounced around the walls of her bedroom as the Persian took a heavy breath.

"I'm in love with you Gigi…."

Gigi crushed her cigarette in the ashtray right on her table, frantically panicking on how exactly to explain that the idea of them being any more open was an awful idea.

"Jackie…"

"I know, I know, I'm ridiculous and out of mind for ever thinking that you'd love me back and would ever be out and proud with me," Jackie began before the shorter woman held her hands on her shoulders, kissing her so she'd stop talking once again.

The Persian chuckled admitting that it was a pretty effective method.

"Loving you is easy Jackie, accepting it is the hard part," Gigi admitted with silence building in the air as she continued on about how right now wasn't the time for them to be open and how everything was working against their favour and their life.

"I know."

"I know you know it's just—" Gigi shrugged, getting angrier and angrier that they even had to be forced to keep their love a secret as if they were Romeo and Juliet or some star crossed lover bullshit she had read in her literature class from junior year.

"I love you but I can't break up with anyone now, everyone knows we're friends and Crystal is already suspicious of everything we do."

"Crystal would never call us out, she's not one to talk either when she and Jaida make out after every guard practice," Jackie laughed admitting something that Gigi sure hadn't known about her best friend.

"Wait, she what?!"

"My lips are sealed, Jaida is my best friend and my secretary." The Persian laughed as she stuck her tongue out, Gigi immediately wrapping her arms around her and locking lips.

That's definitely going to be a phone call with Crystal later.

Euphoric.

"You still taste like cigarettes," Jackie coughed dramatically before Gigi pressed a finger to her lips with a suggestive grin, admitting that Jackie still tasted like everything that had happened in the last ten minutes.

"You're much more erotic than I expected."

"I know, I'm truly incredible baby."

Half an hour passed before Jackie began to drift away and sleep, the two of them making sure to at least put some clothes on in case her mother was to randomly come home.

Gigi sighed, not being able to fall asleep as easy as her lover.

Everything in Jackie's life was planned out: she had every credit, every club, every possible letter of recommendation and was just waiting to get those acceptance letters to Havard or Stanford or some elite college to go and study Political Science.

Gigi was a head cheerleader, barely passing her classes and enjoying life on a whim.

She'd never wanted something or someone for that matter so badly, so purely. This felt like some kind of high school romance that was supposed to burn out in a month or two.

I want Jackie forever.

Shit.

— *.✧

"You doing alright?" Crystal asked the next morning as Gigi nodded, wearing a longer dress than usual to mask all the hickies and bruises that had shown up over night from Jackie's consistent biting.

"How was the party?"

The guard captain sighed, admitting it was just a lot of pills, marijuana and cheap alcohol. She sounded even more upset about the fact that everyone there was almost exclusively a jock or the freshmen who were related to them.

"Told you we could've just done drugs in my car."

Crystal slapped her shoulder as the two of them passed Jackie who gave a wave and said good morning to the both of them before giving Gigi a distinct stare.

The blonde giggled to herself knowing exactly what that stare meant. It had become an entire language with dozens of codes and fabrication written underneath the staring and glances.

Your car. Five minutes.

"I'll talk to you later," she yelled as she took a detour down the staircase as Crystal was left standing, utterly confused.

"Okay?"

It indeed took only five minutes for Gigi to run past all of her fellow cheer team in the locker room, say hello and make another sharp turn out the door before exploring the parking lot trying to remember where she had even parked her car this morning.

Gigi unlocked the car immediately upon seeing Jackie already leaning up against the passenger side door.

"In the car," were the only words that left her lips as Jackie followed her instructions with subtle glances to make sure no one was watching them as Gigi locked the door and immediately threw her keys to the backseat, grabbing Jackie by her collar and kissing her heavily.

There wasn't much time to respond but once again the cacophony of voices in her head yelling how wrong it was seemed to completely disintegrate the moment they began to kiss.

"Someone's in a mood," Jackie said breathlessly as they seperated, falling back into the seats as Gigi adjusted her top, trying not to wrinkle it too much.

"You're the one who wanted to meet me!"

"I didn't want to make out with you!"

The blonde cocked a brow, crossing her arms as she turned down the radio and let Jackie have her turn on the soapbox.

"Go ahead," Gigi grinned, completely interested with what Jackie possibly would want to speak about. "You have my full attention baby."

The Persian sighed as she lifted up her shirt, Gigi completely flustered at first thinking that they were actually about to attempt intercourse in the front seat of her BMW though it was completely different than what she expected.

She gasped seeing the various marks across her stomach and hip, her finger gently dragging past them in horror.

This certainly wasn't from them sleeping together last night, it looked far too painful and too new of a wound.

"Guess who Gigi."

Gigi shook her head furiously, refusing to believe her boyfriend was that much of an asshole. "He didn't," the blonde mumbled completely in awe.

"He did. Jaida sent him packing though, him and his stupid friend. She ran after them for a solid hallway or two."

I missed all of this because I decided to skip first and second period to get coffee.

"What even happened?"

Jackie looked at her, frowning as she still managed to keep her composure undeniably well. "Gigi I think it's now a bit too suspicious that you're skipping parties in favour to get good grades on tests."

"But it's a valid excuse!"

"Almost every day for three months?"

"It's good sex!" Gigi blurted out not knowing what else to say in response to her partner.

Jackie adjusted her shirt as she spoke seriously, trying to make sure that Gigi knew that this entire relationship was a stalemate.

"Either we need to be twice as secretive so no one else gets suspicious or has any more violent ideas or we need to stop completely Gigi."

The blonde held her hand tightly, whispering how badly she needed Jackie in her life and how badly she was going to beat up her boyfriend after this conversation was over.

"Gigi, be smart about this, do not try to rope your emotions into this conversation," Jackie snapped, Gigi immediately looking taken a back as she silently sat against the driver seat letting the Persian finish.

"I love you badly Gigi, I've never loved anyone so much in my life and probably never will but let's be smart about this for a minute. We're seniors, we're both graduating and have completely different paths planned."

Jackie took a breath, "Are you willing to be with me despite the fact everything for people like us right now is utterly awful?"

Gigi nodded, not even taking two seconds to think about the answer to that question.

"I want you and only you."

"Promise?" Jackie held out her pinky, Gigi snickered though the Persian seemed completely adamant about the gesture.

"I promise."

— *.✧

Promises are a curse.

Of course the minute they promised to make it work it all fell apart.

There's only so many nights and weeks they could've gone without being caught.

One stupid night lead to lots of whiskey, a few cigarettes, their clothes off and more sex expect this time her father was home.

Shit.

Gigi wasn't sure what to expect besides Jackie being almost thrown out of her window and the blonde having to watch the entire thing play out before her.

Tears, a lot of them as her father was screaming and completely shattered at the fact his only daughter was attracted to women.

Being an awful human being or failing school were not on top of the "things to be disappointed in" pyramid of life. Nope, it was instead that she was in love with another woman.

"If you saw how she treated me you'd give me every blessing you had and an apology," was the only thing Gigi muttered at the table the next day. Her hair still messy, her father beyond the realm of anger and her car keys taken away of course.

They agreed to not speak to her mother about this. This was purely a one time thing and a mistake her father convinced her.  

"Can't you see that times are changing?" Gigi yelled, slamming her glass down so firmly she was shocked it didn't shatter on impact. "Is it because she's Iranian? Is it because you don't want me to be gay and hurt and outcasted by the world?"

No answer.

"You're too young to understand."

"I am about to go to college, I know exactly what I'm saying."

Gigi had never felt such a cold and depressing tension hanging above the air. She ate the rest of her breakfast in silence before attempting to call Crystal and explain what had happened when her father was out of sight and in their backyard.

"We're in love Crystal, this isn't just some stupid movie fantasy," she attempted to explain through tears as her best friend offered to come over or atleast give her a ride to Jackie's apartment.

"Leave in ten minutes, I'll meet you outside."

— *.✧

Back to square one they were.

The crying and emotional reaction was enough to tug at Jackie's heart and let her stay the night and for them to have sex again.

Now instead of her house all night it was all about rigorous planning and trying to make sure that them being together didn't circulate around school the final months they had together.

Absolutely no hanging out in school, no more glances, no more sneaking to football games just to see Gigi and make out behind the bleachers; it was a sacrifice but was well worth it for safety.

No boyfriend was the only positive outcome of this entire mess.

"You ever wanna run away?"

Jackie cocked a brow, looking ridiculously worried toward the statement the minute it left Gigi's mouth. Their fingers tangled in each other's hair as they had been laying in Jackie's bed the entire morning, fully clothed but completely horny.

"Is this a question or a proposal?"

Gigi sat up on the bed, running a hand through her own hair as she sighed heavily wondering if this was even a concept worth exploring.

"What if we just run away Jackie?"

The Persian already up and sitting next to her, rubbing her shoulders as she spoke about her plan and how she had dreamt of it last night.

"We never have to hear our parents whining or bitching about our relationship, we can be open, we can have a life together—" Jackie shook her head in desperation.

"No… Gigi, please think about this."

"It's almost the year 1990! Things will start changing Jackie, I just want to be with you and love you and not be afraid to shout it in the streets," the blonde began to go off on another rant as Jackie returned the sentiment by kissing her lips, making sure she'd stop talking for a minute or two.

"That's not fair, you stole my method."

The Persian cackled, pressing her lips to her forehead, completely amused as they decided to drop the conversation and instead get up to eat and try to get Gigi's mind off of this entire idea and situation laid out before her.

"We'll figure it out when the time comes."

— *.✧

Time.

There's not enough time .

There never will be. Life was truly just one giant hourglass filled with sand and expectations.

Sitting at an almost three hour long graduation was absolutely a waste.

Gigi is utterly hypnotized as her eyes only stare up at Jackie giving a final speech as valedictorian of the senior graduating class.

It's beautiful to watch, truthfully.

To see Jackie completely telling her story to so many parents and students, some of which had consistently harassed her and wished she'd been beat up harder by Gigi's ex boyfriend.

Her words were smooth and crisp and she had the ability to truly make anyone cry and deliver a message, to reconsider arranging their entire life around and starting fresh and clean.

It was powerful.

Crystal was in mopping sobs the minute Jackie even started and she only got louder and louder as the speech went on, Jaida and Gigi holding her hand on each side trying to calm her down.

"Please stop crying," Gigi grinded through her teeth as she adjusted her cap and gown.

Occasionally Gigi's eyes would water but all in all it was a beautiful speech, the only one the blonde would ever want to listen and analyze.

I could write an entire thesis on her.

And her thighs.

They clapped before she stepped down, shaking hands with the principal as she walked back to her seat, she strolled past the blonde quickly giving a loving glance towards her direction.

Crystal was completely broken the minute they tossed their hats in the air and the entire room burst into cheers, Gigi screamed in happiness once she realized that everything about high school was over and done for.

I managed to survive senior year.

Jaida, Crystal and Gigi all headed for the bleachers knowing that there had to be one last smoke and one last cheer to the three of them who had become extremely close once Gigi's best friend decided to live her life truthfully and admit she had been seeing Jaida for almost a month.

"Am I allowed to join in?" A familiar voice commented softly as they sat at the top step of the bleachers, looking out at the sunset and the view of their high school one last time.

Jaida laughed, cheering for her friend and their senior president as Gigi smiled and nodded. Her feet gently tapping the bleacher space right next to her that could be filled up.

"Absolutely," Gigi spoke with a grin as Jackie took off her cap and heels, walking barefooted across the dirty, old steps with not a single care in the world.

Gigi was impressed.

The minute the stars started to come out was when Jaida and Crystal realized they had to leave, wishing them a goodbye as they hugged with not a single tear shed knowing tomorrow they would all celebrate at Jaida's house.

Jackie and Gigi were left. Alone.

Two women, making out under the night sky attempting not to lose balance on the creaky bleachers as they kissed in public even if nobody was watching.

How romantic.

"You're perfect," Gigi spoke in fragments as they kissed, Jackie taking in all of the blonde she could before she had to move away to the east coast and go to Havard.

This couldn't possibly be the end of the story.

Jackie wasn't going to let their last moments be them sobbing and making out on their high school bleacher after everything they had gone through together.

"Runaway with me? Come to Massachusetts?"

The question.

Gigi felt like she couldn't breathe the minute Jackie suggested it. It felt like a stranger fever dream she wanted every part of.

"Are you serious or just joking around?"

"Serious. You run for the hills with me tomorrow after we see Jaida and Crystal."

Gigi's lips curled into a smile as she wrapped her arms around her lover's waist with a firm nod of the head.

"Absolutely."

[tessmontyart]

2020 year in review

It’s funny, last year I never actually got around to doing one of these. I didn’t think it was overly interesting. Oh 2019, how I miss you so 😭Such an innocent time ....

I’ll do a quick recap, cause hey no-one but me reads these anyway. 2019 was a glorious time. I went to Italy for the first time, went on an awesome Hunter Valley trip with my friends, had a 100th birthday celebration for my pop, I got to see the show I worked on air on TV, we saw the Lano and Woodley apartment in Melbourne .... Good times!

I didn’t give a rats about being unemployed and took matters into my own hands by making loads of new merch and selling at the most conventions I’ve ever been to. I tabled at Sydney Supanova, Adelaide Avcon, Sydney SMASH, Coffs Nexus Con, Sydney Oz Comic Con and Brisbane Supanova! I did so much travelling and events, it became my full time job. It was exhausting, but it was loads of fun, it paid the bills nicely, and it was wonderful to meet followers and mutuals in person.

My partner was very invested in counting up the numbers of what was selling and what wasn’t, and taking note of what was inconvenient with my setup and how to make it better. He even made a powerpoint presentation on what I could focus on for 2020, what kind of merch I could focus on and adding more conventions to my list. We were both excited about the idea of trying out Armageddon in New Zealand, which would have been my first overseas convention!

Cue 2020.

It started off uneasy. There were still bushfires everywhere and smoke hanging around, but I was optimistic they would die soon and the rest of the year would be fine. I booked a bunch of conventions early as usual. Got a whole bunch of new things made and ordered for the first convention of the year, Melbourne Supanova in early April. Some Acrylic charms didn’t make it in time because of COVID, but I thought that’s ok I still have a whole years worth of conventions to sell them at!

COVID-19 was just a spooky mysterious thing that was happening overseas at that point. I think there might have been 1 case in Australia, so all the toilet paper and hand sanitizer was sold out, but we were still able to do our usual travelling for the event. Little did I know, Melbourne Supanova was the first and last event I could do in 2020.

COVID hit Australia hard, Melbourne especially. There were lockdowns, quarantines, planes were grounded, airmail was halted, the cases kept multiplying, rules kept changing and changing and it was all so new and such a headache. Seeing every single convention I had booked cancel one after the other was hard to process. This was my main source of income in 2019 and now it’s up and vanished. Everyone were losing their jobs too, so the idea of getting a new job was completely out the window. 

I tried to cheer myself up by drawing ‘Toilet Paper Chan’, my new magical girl character who has the ability to summon toilet paper in a time of need 😅

I made it into a Draw This In Your Style challenge, seeing as everyone was bored out of their minds in quarantine I hoped it was something people could pass the time and have fun making. 

(here’s a handful of my favourites) I had a few entries which were all very adorable, but I admit not as many people joined as I expected. I don’t blame them though, this whole pandemic was very soul sucking and demotivating, especially hearing the constant stream of bad news when it all started.

I also made some lineart of a cute Easter girl, encouraging people to colour her in if they are bored in quarantine.

That was really fun, and I planned to do more, perhaps whole colouring books for a small price to download. 

Then, out of nowhere, my friend from the last animation studio I worked at in 2018 contacted me. “Hey Tess, are you looking for work?”

“Um .... yes?”

Work? In 2020? What?

It turns out the animation industry is one of the only industries that are doing fine in the pandemic. Literally the only change is that animators have to work from home instead of at a studio. If you have the animation software and an internet connection you have everything you need.

So my good friend had recently scored this job for a studio which outsources all their animation for their animated TV series. The role is just fixing up any animation errors inhouse to minimize the amount of back-and-fourth between studios. It doesn’t sound like much but it became too big a job for just one dude to handle, so he contacted me and 2 of my other animation friends to help out. We had a ball!

It was loads of fun, and the contract lasted the whole year!��

It wasn’t just fixing up errors either, I got to animate walking/ running / jumping / flying cycles for the overseas animators to use, which was great practice for me, and we even had a whole episode to ourselves to animate from scratch which I really enjoyed.

And then ... the year just flew by, because I was busy working the whole time. It was really quite surreal!

There were a few highlights, such as being a bridesmaid for my best friend’s wedding and organising her hens party, which is one of those once-in-a-lifetime things.

(Hens Party - it was yellow themed (her favourite colour) and High Tea.. it was adorable!)

(The bridesmaids and the bride on the Wedding Day)

Unfortunately there were some lowlights too ... This was the last year I got to see my aunt. 

She was the craziest, funniest aunt, and still far too young to go. I honestly don’t think I’ll ever be the same without her.

As always, drawing is the only way I cope with anything. My family chose a plain wooden casket, encouraging everybody to write a message or draw something on it, before it would be sent to the crematorium. I drew Spotty, her awesome horse I remember from my childhood, surrounded by her favourite flowers. Monty draw Mingus, her awesome ferret we also remember from our childhood.

That wasn’t the only bad news either. Pat’s Grandpa passed away later in the year, and a handful of my friends had relatives who either passed away or were diagnosed with cancer or some other horrible life threatening disease. A musician who collaborated with favourite artist collaborated passed as well, and even though I didn’t know him personally, it was still horribly devastating. Not to mention all my friends/relatives pets who didn’t make it through 2020. There was just so much loss this year, and I’m still grieving my cousin and my friend’s mum who both passed last year, it’s getting harder and harder to cope. It’s gotten to the point where I’m paranoid about who the next person will be because I haven’t finished grieving the last ... 

All I can say is I hope 2021 is a little kinder when it comes to my loved ones. The small light at the end of the tunnel is; any suicidal thoughts I used to have frequently have all completely vanished, because I’ve been faced with the reality of it all. You really don’t realise how many people love you, people you don’t even know.

...

That was very dark, but it’s definitely something I needed to get off my chest.

Lets go back to a much lighter note. 

More highlights: 

🌻Animal Crossing New Horizons came out this year! I used to play Wild World back in the day so it was wonderfully nostalgic, and me and Pat have made the cutest little town with all our favourite villagers. It’s a nice way to escape from it all ^_^

(Monty’s island when we started)

🌻Speaking of games, the brand new Crash Bandicoot came out this year too! It was actually jaw droppingly amazing seeing all the awesome new ideas and mechanics they came up with while still keeping it classicly Crash. I loved it and I’m so excited to see if they give Spyro the same treatment!

🌻2020 brought about new and interesting ways to still enjoy Live entertainment. Lano and Woodley did a Zoom show which was absolutely hilarious, and Lights did an amazing online Dead End show which had me so pumped!

🌻Pat and I continued our anniversary High Tea tradition, this time trying it out at the Hydro Majestic hotel in the Blue Mountains!

🌻Speaking of Pat, his sister got married this year too, despite the pandemic. Congratulations!

🌻Pat randomly bought a Miku figure for himself, out of the blue, completely unravelling years of unnecessary ‘shame’ I’ve inherited caused by a pushy mother and a crappy ex. I used to love figure collecting but was convinced by certain judgy people that it was stupid and I needed to sell them all. I kept my very favourites in a cupboard ‘just incase they increase in value’. But now I can finally display them all again knowing Pat loves them just as much as I do!

We also added a ton more to the collection to make up for lost time (and because there’s SO MANY CUTE MIKUS NOWADAYS)

It’s a bit messy because we recently got new ones and need to make more space for them. The shelf with the Vocaloid nendoroids were my original ones hidden away in the cupboard, the rest we got this year ^_^ They make me so happy!

🌻Speaking of Pat unlocking things I’ve always wanted to do in the past: I am now planning to revive my old OCs Yui and Lotto! They were just characters of mine back in the day, but since I’m not good writing I never really came up with a story for them. But with Pat’s writer wisdom and my kawaii art style, I’m now planning a webcomic featuring the two cuties ^_^ It’s still in the very early planning stages but I’m super excited, and forever grateful for Pat, for believing in me ;w;

🌻This year I drew 31 more Owl City songs in copic markers, to go towards my ongoing project to draw every song! I’m actually getting quite close to my goal now which is exciting! 

🌻This year I went to a Drive-In movie theatre for the first time to see the new Bill and Tedd movie, it was glorious and now I wanted to try more drive-ins. Going out to see a movie on a big screen *without* being able to hear smart-asses or screaming babies? Yes please!!

🌻How could I forget, this was the year my idol noticed me!! Lights shared and retweeted my Deadend fanart! Life = made.

What to to look forward to in 2021:

This is the first New Year where I actually have an idea of how 2021 will go! I managed to secure another animation job at a new studio starting January, ending January 2022 😊So thats the financial security for this year sorted! :P

As for general goals for 2021;

I’m hoping to have a decent plan, concept art, chapter ideas and hopefully even a script done for my new webcomic! I also wanted to make some cute simple animations of the characters just because c:

I’d also like to just do more of my own animation in general ... I animate every day for work but I never get to do my own animated projects. It will be hard with a full time job, so maybe this can be a 2022 goal ... but hopefully I can do at least one little animation of my own!

I suppose another goal is to make a social media accounts for my animation, too. Even if I don’t fulfil my goal, I still would like a page to showcase everything I’ve done so far.

And if all else fails .... Another goal is to draw more Miku. It’s crazy that I love her this much and haven’t drawn any fanart!

I think I’ll leave it there because I’m babbling now. 😅

I’ve done so many of these now o_o

[2018] [2017] [2016] [2015] [2014] [2013] [2012]

[whitleyschn33]

RWBY7 Soundtrack

Should I be reviewing/giving my thoughts on the OST when I have plenty of asks in my inbox to answer and have no musical authority at all? No, probably not. Am I doing it anyway? Yes.

This is just going to be in what (I assume) is the track order. Let me know if I miss any; I’m going off a YouTube playlist.

1. Trust Love

Initial thoughts: Eh.

It’s okay. It’s not my favorite opening, that honor goes to When It Falls, but it’s competent. Very optimistic, which is a trend for this volume’s soundtrack despite how dire the tone of the latter half is, so I don’t think it fully fits the volume it opens for, but it’s by no means a bad song. It’s easy to sing along and bop to, just doesn’t seem as impressive as the other opening songs. It feels like a different sort of sound than what RWBY songs have been in the past, which is also a running theme for the OST this volume - new artists singing, a lot of experimentation in the style. That’s not a bad thing; the tracks I like the most on this album are the different sounding ones, but it’s very.... noticeable, and didn’t go in the direction you would think for Atlas. 

2. Touch the Sky

Initial Thoughts: Why is the best part of this song the ending?

No, but seriously, that outro is a very different sound to the proceeding song and it’s so good. Other than that, I’ve got questions. Like, whose song is this? I’m leaning towards Team RWBY as a whole, but I’ve seen people suggest it’s Weiss’s, it’s Blake’s, I could see an argument for Yang - it’s very unclear. Also, why is the POV character(s) so happy? Their situation isn’t all that much better in terms of Salem and the Relic and all that; they should still be weighed down with that knowledge, shouldn’t they? They don’t trust Ironwood to help make things all better, they still have to carry the Relic (for plot reasons), the only thing that’s changed is that they’re going out on missions. Well, fresh clothes and a distraction are always nice, and it is a chance to put all that stuff on the back burner. I’ll give them that, then.

3. Brand New Day

Initial Thoughts: From the writers that make every Blake song a duet, here’s her volume 7 song; a duet with.... Qrow?

Have Blake and Qrow ever even spoken to each other? And, is there actually no solo Blake song, or am I beating on a dead meme? Actually, to be completely serious, these two actually work well in a song together. Their character directions compliment each other in this volume - both trying to reinvent themselves some and become better (Blake with her new hair and outfits, Qrow with a new outfit and a resolve to recover from alcoholism), it’s just a shame that, you know, this kind of talk or relationship never happens in the show. At all.

Someone in the YouTube comment section said this song sounds like a 90′s sitcom opening, and I have to agree. It really does, mixed with a bit of 50′s doo-wap. It’s not bad, I actually like the doo-wap, but it also has bits of the usual RWBY style rock, and they don’t mix as coherently as I would like in some places. The guitar bridge after Qrow’s verse is pretty nice, though.

Overall, it’s another good song to bop along to, but like the songs before it, I’m not sure it’s one I’ll be listening to over and over.

4. Let’s Get Real

Initial Thoughts: So, even the song thinks they should talk - why didn’t they?

Here’s something you may not know about me. I don’t romantically ship Renora. I’ve always preferred them as a brother/sister pair - probably in part because I’m a sucker for found family. I’ve never really had anything against romantic Renora, though... but this volume definitely made me go from neutral to dislike. Ren’s confused, he’s worried, he’s having doubts about their relationship that he’s not sure how to vocalize. He admits as much. And instead of, I don’t know, respecting that and letting it be for the moment, or pulling him aside to try and help him talk it through, she... kisses him. Instead of stopping to let them work through where their relationship is at the present (which would be nice, to clue the audience in on what exactly their status is), she pushes their relationship to the next level, presumably. It leaves a very bad taste in my mouth, that Ren’s emotions about his relationship with Nora are just shoved aside and aren’t brought up again. Hopefully it does in the next volume (Nora and Ren are notably split for, like, the first time ever in the Volume 8 preview), but still - I thought Tumblr had decided that “guy shuts a girl up by kissing her” trope was sexist or something - shouldn’t this be similarly scrutinized?

Putting that aside, I actually really really like this. It’s very reminiscent of Shine, but a Renora version; it’s got a great beat, the lyrics do a great job in character insight (something I love from RWBY songs, which are probably why Touch the Sky doesn’t do a lot for me), and it’s just a very fun, peppy song. It also feels very at home in Atlas with it’s more techno-leanings. The ending chorus chant of “Is it love?” is also a nice touch.

5. Celebrate

Initial Thoughts: The better Brand New Day (musically speaking).

And by that I mean, it leans all the way into this different style than the half/half approach Brand New Day did, and it’s all the better for it. Once again, another good dancing song, easy to listen and bop to, but it feels... oddly generic. For one thing, there’s no character tied to it, no character insight - I guess you could make an argument for Robin or the Happy Huntresses, but... not really? For another, while as a song I really enjoy the genre of music, it also makes it feel very much not like a RWBY song (something not helped by name-dropping Vegas). It’s fun, but it doesn’t feel like it adds much to the show.

6. War

Initial Thoughts: Wow, I didn’t think you could make me hate the AceOps fight more, but look at that.

Probably the first RWBY song I just flat out hate, and that’s a crying shame considering the excellent music and vocal performances. Those lyrics, though.  Just - I hate them. I hate them so damn much. I refuse to give this song more than that.

7. Hero

Initial thoughts: Hell yeah hell yeah hell yeah HELL YEAH - 

Best song on the album probably. It has all the usual RWBY flare, gives us a great insight into Ironwood’s thoughts and motivations, and is a fantastic performance by Caleb Hyles. The operatic section at the beginning is wonderfully chilling, and the rock section is very epic. 10/10 song even though I’m not rating these.

8. Until the End

Initial thoughts: Time to play “Who does this gorgeous song belong to?”

Actually, I really, really enjoy this song. It’s creepy in its melancholy, but I love it for that. The piano and subtle strings are beautiful, and the way Casey’s voice echoes gives the illusion of solitude in an empty place, perfect for the tone this song conveys.

Now, the matter of whose song it is. The consensus seems to be Ruby and/or Summer, and that’s pretty likely (and letting Ruby actually have a song would be nice). However, I heard a rumor before the album dropped that this was an Ozpin song, and going through it with that lens makes a whole lot of sense - the repeated “I’ll be here until the end”, the constant use of “we”, “our” and other plurals, the lines “ In waves of shame, we’re desperate to make amends / But through a simple soul, we lie complacent” could refer to him lying dormant in Oscar or other souls in the past instead of actively working to defeat Salem, and in the lines “ As light fills my eyes / I’ll picture me beside her / And pray that I’ll inspire”, it could be him thinking of Salem when he dies, and then praying that he’ll be able to inspire others to fight for humanity, for the light. 

I could see it either way, honestly, but no matter which it is, I love this song.

9. Fear

Initial thoughts: Fire whoever was in charge of sound mixing, otherwise, not as preachy as I was fearing.

This is actually the first time I’ve listened to this. I was pretty pissed at the ending of the finale so I didn’t stick around for the credits, and hearing that it was called “Fear”, I was not in the mood for more Ironwood bashing or “You’re just as bad as she is if you act in fear” or whatever BS Oscar said. So, yeah, wasn’t looking forward to this track.

Thankfully, though, it was not another War. I actually enjoyed the lyrics, and the music was top-notch. Don’t really have much more to say about it other than it was difficult to hear the lyrics over the music in some places, but that could be a factor of the video I was listening to. All in all, pleasantly surprised.

10. I May Fall (Acoustic)

Initial Thoughts: Can someone tell the Williams that “acoustic” doesn’t always mean “depressing?”

Like, acoustic doesn’t have to be a super slow, piano/strings, somber rendition, right? It’s just the instruments and the singer without any added computer editing/layering/whatever, if I’m not mistaken. That style of acoustic works alright with songs like Time to Say Goodbye, but not so well with more upbeat songs. This version isn’t bad, per se, but I’d like to see an acoustic version more in line with the original. 

That aside - the original I May Fall is my favorite RWBY song, bar none. This rendition was always going to be something I liked, and I do appreciate a lot about it. The strings are absolutely beautiful, particularly the cello(? I think, again, I’m not much of a music person, just have a sister that plays violin), and I love the way the violin/viola picks up for the second verse and gives the song a second wind, implying more strength and resolve. I love the music cutting out completely to let Casey sing, with the instruments slowly coming in to join as she gets louder and stronger, as if standing with her - beautiful, it’s all insanely beautiful, and this is one I will probably buy.

Closing Thoughts

This album was... average, to me. Only a couple songs really jumped out at me, while most were good, but not something I was dying to listen to again, or were dragged down by the context.

What’re your thoughts on this volume’s songs? I’d love to hear them! Until then, have a good evening, and stay safe!

[dreamylyfe-x]

Loving on 10x12: Gallavich!

I don’t think I have much that’s unique to say, but I really have to talk about how good that episode was. On strong community advice I was trying to keep my expectations low. I loved the advance scene... like loved it. But I tried to keep myself in line and decided to be ok with no vows and very little actual wedding stuff. Like maaaaybe they’d do that. Or maybe it would all be hi-jinks and the wedding would be in a montage and nothing much would happen. 

But then it was SO MUCH good stuff. Which I want to record now. 

* First of all, so much good intra-Gallagher interaction. I feel like this is what the show does best and they do it so little, but it’s always great to see them all together fighting for a common goal. And it was awesome that the goal was a) stop Mickey from committing homicide in broad daylight and b) get Mickey and Ian married. 

* We are paying attention to the fact that Ian is bipolar. I will come back to that. 

* For the people who wanted to know how the wedding was being paid for, we have an answer: Crime. (I’m ok with this.) 

* I love the shot as Carl leaves the bedroom and pushes the door closed behind him, and we see Ian pulling off Mickey’s towel just as it closes. (The grab that proceeded it was nice, too.) 

* I’m easy: I’ve fully bought into Sandy and Debbie. I do not like Julia. 

* Oh the Sandy tip, it honestly does make sense to me that Mickey would have developed a bond with his lesbian cousin in his super homophobic family. And again: Mickey needs a friend. 

* Ok. Complaint. I don’t love the hitting? It’s just not for me. And I’m always like “Ok, it’s the show, this is the dynamic” and then I end up all “But... did it have to happen twice?” or “Did he have to walk UP the stairs to hit him?”

* I do not mind the biting. Feral is feral.

* Because I recall seeing some people being annoyed that Ian said Mickey was prone to murder, I just want to point out that Mickey is pretty prone to murder.

* The second scene with Mickey handcuffed by the washer is one of my favourite scenes of the season. (Wedding scenes are on a different metric.) Kinda drunk and literally being kept on a chain, making a list of what are probably some of Terry’s lesser crimes against him (but just so... petty. So cruel. So very much the acts of a man who just doesn’t care about anyone on any level and must ENJOY making his kids miserable. He has what? Five kids? That’s a lot of halloween candy to steal.) I don’t think Mickey talks that much about what Terry’s done to him to anyone, so seeing him innumerate these events to a relative, who knows all about them, just moved me. And then the “I love you. I LOVE you.” It sounded so similar to the one from 5x12. Like this is essential information Ian needs. 

* I also love how Mickey just gives up, honestly. I love it because it means everyone else has to step in to give him what he wants and I’m glad he got to have that experience, right down to Ian complimenting the chairs. 

* So much of the time Ian looks so adult and so far from the Ian from the first five seasons, but several times in this episode he was shot in a way where I could really see younger Ian in his face and I loved that. 

* Lip, suggesting a plan where Ian might have to watch Mickey marry a woman might not be your most sensitive moment. 

* The bow tie scene. Mickey is a hard no on kids. Ian wants them. Mickey immediately becomes a soft yes. That’s on brand. 

* They have gay friends! I’m not even talking about the Gay Jesus kids, but the people who turned up before that to make things awkward. Good to see. 

* I would not describe myself as a Debbie fan, but I really loved her this episode. Like it’s almost an “all is forgiven” amount of love. 

* Speaking of Gay Jesus, I was glad to see Geneva make a comeback, since it appeared that she’d completely abandoned him. And it made sense. I was thinking when he was on Grindr -- shouldn’t someone notice he’s Gay Jesus? Shouldn’t Bryon have, if he’s so politically informed? 

Ok. The wedding. So much has been said so well, but I need to obsess about a few little things. 

* Ian chose “At Last”. God. It made me feel how much he’s wanted this and for how long. Honestly, even with the years they were apart, did Ian really ever want anyone else? Really? 

* Franny is wonderfully accurate in her sloppy flower girl work. That’s what it’s like when the flower girl is four. 

* We got the vows. And they’re the traditional ones, which I thought was perfect. It’s hard for me to picture either of them doing more personal vows in front of people.  

* I thought Cam was so good here. Ian was so intent and he had that edge of emotion peaking through. And for both of them, I felt like they were saying these words everyone knows, but really making sure the other person heard them. And here's also where I come back to the fact that they uncharacteristically talked about Ian's meds earlier in the episode -- because it really echoes here. They've done for poorer and they've done sickness. And they did it as KIDS, so they really understand what they're promising each other and that just GOT to me. 

* I know I have so much company here, but Ian looks SO young when he asks "Now?" and then kisses Mickey like someone is about to take him away from him. And Mickey looks... happy. Eff you, Terry. He's happy. It's so beautiful. 

* Ian lifting Mickey's hand up as they walk down the aisle reminds me of the end of a boxing match and I love it, because this has been a fight, people. They fought for it, hard, and they emerged victorious. 

* Ok. So. The dance. @fiona-fififi wrote such a great, long piece about this and I will only be a dim echo here, but it was my favourite moment. Wedding stuff gets a different metric and of the wedding stuff, this was the part that got to me the most. They're married. Mickey is dancing with Sandy. Ian and Debbie (the only person to ever be a hero for wearing a wedding dress to a wedding that is not her own) are sitting together and Ian does something so vulnerable. He knows he's the kid who misses Monica the most. He knows he feels the loss in a way the others don't. And it makes sense to me that he says he misses her to Debbie, who has the best chance of getting it -- but it's still a risk. It's a confession and Debbie does what he needs her to do and tells him Monica would have loved this. Which is true. She might have RUINED it, but she would have loved it. She gives Ian permission to be sad, to grieve. And he lets the feelings come up and then he does the thing that always gets to me the MOST with these two. The kisses are great. They have some epic ones. But Gallavich hugs just rip my heart out. They just cling to each other, every time. There is nothing casual about it. And when Ian goes to "dance with his husband" he's actually going to just melt into him. And they bury their faces against each other, and he holds Mickey and they sway it's just... perfect. The song nails it. This, more than anything, makes me feel the love this show managed to create with these two. Which I believe on a level I rarely do. They fit together, they belong together and they really, really earned this. Cue gasping sobs. 

* I do not understand how it's light out when they leave. Does this fit with Senior Hour? But ok. Let's go with it. The car was a great piece to give Liam and Frank, they look fantastic in their tuxes and I love how Mickey kinda swings into the car the same way he could swing around under the bleachers. There's so much joy in him. 

* The only thing I'm going to say about Lip is the Tami deserves some kind of medal. 

* I wrote a whole post about the tattoo, and we first see it when he's out of the shower, but I'm really not kidding about this. The tattoo was something I spent WAY too much time speculating about in my head and I thought it was weird that an actor they once shot wearing only a guitar was constantly so covered up. Plus, probably should have shown  with the prison tanks, given the original placement. I support the retconning of this because it keeps the gesture without it being a major distraction. 

But that is NOT where that tattoo was!

Now it's over his heart. Awww. 

ANYWAY. I loved this. I'm so glad I got on this ship. It's so rare you get something like this in a fandom. So. Don't screw it up, Shameless! Only have to maintain for 12 more episodes. That's all I ask. 

I hope it's not too much. 

[ddaenghoney]

chapter five

masterlist link in blog description.

As a successful songwriter, you want nothing more than the acknowledgment that the chart-topping musical pieces are your own creations. But contracts, relationships, and the difficulty of facing the stakes involved head on, keep your mouth shut until pressure builds too much.

Pairing(s): Park Jimin x Y/N, Min Yoongi x Y/N

disclaimer: any characters depicted do not represent the actual personality of the respected idol in real life.

Series warning(s)/genre(s): Chapter-based written fic, Slow-burn relationship(s), Fake-dating, Unrequited love, Songwriter/producer!oc, idol!Jimin, idol/songwriter/producer!Yoongi, friends with benefits, drama, romance, smut, angst, fluff (updated as needed)

Chapter warning(s): none.

Word count: 5340

if you enjoy please, please let me know!

The onslaught of work involved in helping a girl group ready themselves for their upcoming comeback left you thankfully busy. Personal preference dictates whether your input in the songs’ meanings is used; some idols prefer to create their own interpretations of the songs so that they’re not completely absent of the creative process, while others let you tell them in detail what the lyrics are intended to mean so that your touch isn’t completely lost. In either scenario, the idols generally think of what is more respectful to you, and the mixed opinions of what that means has been long undefined. At this point, you don’t care either way. The song won’t be remembered as your creation, whether the true meaning is stated or not makes no difference.

In any case, the quartet of girls in this group preferred your meanings. Along with that they’re also grateful for you to help in sound arrangement as well; letting things be put together in your vision. Timing-wise you’re happy to help them out, eager for long hours to be focused on various tasks rather than the instances of running into Jimin around the company.

Before you know it, it’s not as cold throughout the daytime, and Namjoon’s conversations with you commonly track back to his conception of menu items for spring that seems to be moving in fast.

“Y/N,” Your stupor disturbs at Yoongi’s voice. You turn in your chair, finding him peeking from the opening of the company lounge, “My stylist wants you to see her when you can.”

Along with the passing of time, the pictures dropped New Year’s Eve of you and Yoongi died away in the online forums after being publicized for a week on multiple magazine headlines. Despite Yerin stating you both would act as a couple, SoundWave never made an announcement confirming what the pictures seemed to mean to everyone. You were silently grateful of the fact, ignoring it and hoping it would drift into the corner of thought and forgotten entirely. The idea crushed from an email notification on your phone last week sent to both of you stating you needed to go on a date sometime to renew the public’s interest.

“Okay.” You nod your head at Yoongi and he leaves practically the second he hears confirmation. Like Jimin, you haven’t spoken to Yoongi much in the past month and a half. Just as you assumed, his perception of you dropped when he learned of your position in the company. You can’t be bothered to clarify anything with how you’ve felt lately anyways.

Still, his dismissive attitude in that moment causes your eyes to roll, and you spin on the chair back to your open laptop and half-finished, now cold coffee. How in the hell the two of you could manage to interact in a way that resembles a couple is beyond you. Nonetheless, he hasn’t mentioned his desire to rebel and skip out on the date idea, so you can only assume he intends to follow through with the demands.

“I picked out some outerwear from a sponsor on his upcoming album.” Yoongi’s stylist is peppier than either of you about the occasion, and you almost ask her to go on it in your place. She guides you to a near empty rack, only showcases three elegant and expensive coats of vastly different styles. “I wasn’t sure what sort of things you wear usually, so there’s some variety to help you make a comfortable outfit. I’d really appreciate if you’re out seen in one of them though.”

You nod, actually happy that she mentioned taking your preferences into consideration. It seems to be a concept unfamiliar to Yerin. “I wasn’t really going to dress up much. Actually I don’t really know what he and I plan to do for the date. He just said he’ll pick me up at my place at seven.” You shrug, pulling on the sleeve of one of the more eccentric jackets to get a better view of it and the embellishments. Not something you think you could pull off. “Probably stand in a park let people take pictures and go home.” The stylist laughs next to you, pulling another longcoat from the rack and removing the hanger so you could try it on.

“When I saw him earlier, Yoongi was asking me about good locations for a date actually.” She steps from you to look over the coat, analyzing its fit on you. “I like this one, the color is easy to match things with.” You turn towards the mirror, judging the dark blue fabric for yourself.

“He did?” You’re audibly surprised, almost forgetting to pay attention to the clothing.

“Yeah,” She sits back into a chair, letting you move around to test its comfortability. “Well, granted he’s pretty jaded about the whole thing, but I guess he figures he needs to make the best of it?” She shrugs, fingers tapping away at her phone screen. “I guess it could be just to look like you’re both natural.”

That’s true. You shrug off the coat, “I’ll wear this one, if it’s okay.” She grins standing back up and taking the clothing from you, rambling about it looking great and that she’ll put it in a bag so you can take it home, along with some accessories from the same brand that you didn’t have to wear, but it’d be so kind of you to do so. While she moved around you think of how much he intends to present himself as your boyfriend. Frankly, you prefer hand holding to be the maximum public affection. “You worked with Yoongi at the other company, right?”

“Oh yeah,” The stylist steps to you with the large bag in hand, “I’ve been on his styling team for almost two years.”

“So,” You speak slowly, trying to phrase the question best, “If he has a bad opinion of someone, is it likely to change if he gets to know them, or,” You bite your lip, shrugging in defeat, “Is it just something I’ll have to deal with indefinitely?” “He doesn’t like you?” Her head tilts in evident confusion and surprise, “Wouldn’t have guessed. I don’t know though, maybe if it’s a misunderstanding or you both just got off on the wrong foot he may think differently if you clear it up?”

---

If you think about it in the way his stylist explained, obviously clearing up the wrong ideas would be the best solution. In the least it would give the best chance at an amicable work experience from then on, instead of the begrudging interactions that currently occur. Would he listen to your reasoning is the issue.

Your phone buzzes from the coffee table, and the message is what you expect.

Yoongi, 7:14pm: I’m in front of your apartment building.

Y/N, 7:14pm: Heading down then.

You nearly grimace, sliding the luxurious coat over your shoulders. If the entire night is going to consist of monotone conversation or lack thereof while awkwardly clinging to one another like a couple, then you didn’t know how long you could stand it. One date sounds bad enough, but to think there’s an indefinite amount following leaves you sighing as the elevator takes you down.

For some reason you dramatically, in the corner of your mind, anticipate press from the moment you step out of the front door. Like they tail Yoongi for the chance of any abnormal information, or even what brand of cereal he gets at a supermarket. The reality is the low activity of the street in front of your apartment, and the motor of Yoongi’s Audi R8 humming in the midst of it all. The picturesque scene of the beautifully sleek dark gray, shiny finish is what you expect to remember the most tonight.

“So do I get to find out eventually where we’re going?” You ask him after a short greeting mixed with you strapping against the wonderfully pristine leather. Yoongi’s fingertips tap on the steering wheel, a pensive expression making his eyebrows crease,

“Honestly, I couldn’t think of something.”

You nod, pulling out your phone to try and think of your own ideas, “Do you want to eat?”

“Can I ask you something?” He turns towards you slightly, and you realize the car is in park when an arm strays from the wheel to the center armrest. Your body shifts from his as a reaction, apprehensive though unconscious of the fact. Your head tilting yes tells him to go on. “Are you really okay with this all? You accept it?”

“I don’t really have a choice otherwise do I?” Your eyebrows narrow at his assumptions of you. “What do you expect me to say to the CEO? That I refuse to do this all?”

“It’d be a start if you’re also trying, yeah.” The word ‘also’ registers in your head, and you wonder how many times he’s tried to talk his way out of this to Yerin. Or if he had at all. You believe so. From the image portrayed in the public of him, Yoongi nonconforming to the false relationship sounds plausible.

“Maybe you can say something, but I’ll lose my job.” You start scanning through your app of trending eateries in the city. A new place to try so at least something good can come out of the evening.

“She said that?” He’s surprised and you only shrug, still eyeing the device.

“No, but what’s stopping her. I’m not like you where the press is going to question what happened. She has nothing to lose getting rid of me. I don’t contribute like any of you idols, right?” Quiet envelops the end of your small rant, a long breath heaving from your lungs at restarting the frustration you feel. Yoongi notices your fingers stop scrolling along the screen, and your glaring eyes to complete the scowl. There’s more for you to tell, but you’re silent.

“From what I’ve learned, you’re practically the sole reason why the company took off in sales almost four years ago.”

Your head turns towards Yoongi. He lacks an apologetic tone and does not seem particularly impressed either, but something about his eyes gentle, approachable gaze makes you think there’s even an inkling of hope for his opinion of you. Incidentally, no one else has attempted to look up a record of all the hits and award winning tracks you’ve created. To go from nothing to his observative comment, it feels like a step in a different-- new direction.

“Can we go do something, please?” It feels like you shouldn’t dwell on the ideas vaguely present in his words. With the impossibility of change engulfing you in the form of Yerin’s firm words, you didn’t want to think about the world that exists in acknowledging all of your contributions to SoundWave like it feels with the simple sentence of Yoongi’s observations. Because it’s not able to happen. Just the fewest of people know what you do and only three, four now you suppose, have an inkling to acknowledge the fact.

In the drive to a small park a couple of blocks from a restaurant he enjoys, Yoongi and you settle into the quiet of the ride. You can avoid thinking of everything by studying the interior of the car and internally debating on whether you wanted to invest in a driver’s license after all. “Should we go over rules?”

You startle from staring at the digital screen and all of the buttons surrounding it with their countless functions. A nod to cover your daze, then a clearer response that blurts without your mind filtering, “I barely even want to accept holding hands to be honest with you.”

Your hand travels to your mouth at the brash statement, but the nerves clear when Yoongi interrupts your internal monologue of swearing with laughter. Completely amused by your surprised slip of words, and wonders if you had the habit of doing that like you had at Namjoon’s bar cafe.

“Good, we’re on the same page then.” He nods, slowing to a stop at a red light. You stare inquisitively, thinking the avoidance of physical affection to be wonderful considering the situation, and even suitable to the personality you’ve seen of him in the sparing amounts you’ve spoken to him. But unsuitable to the SUGA in papers for over a year. Though he’s never had a public relationship, you only recall an uncaring, do-whatever-I-feel-like persona ever to be depicted.

For the sake of the public’s sight, you both walk through the park, hands clasping together. You both aren’t likely to win any awards for the endeavor, and instead maybe even an ear full from Yerin about a lack of sincerity, but frankly you don’t care. The gentle sway of your arms between one another as you stroll along is enough for you, and endurable when he mentions the pizza at the restaurant to always be hand tossed and have a wonderful soft to crispy ratio.

“What’s your favorite of the songs you’ve made?” The question comes after some languid sips of beer on his end and hard cider on your own. It’s random given the conversation topics from before lead to short replies and silence, whereas the current one is something you think you could talk about for hours if he doesn’t stop you. You hum, slumping back into your seat while Yoongi comfortably drinks more.

“There was this one that I made that was called Puzzles, and it’s about,” You pause, wondering if you’re going to appear like you’re rambling, but Yoongi stares back attentively. “I guess just the idea about pressures holding someone back and how it’s difficult to overcome your own self to try and achieve something you want.” His eyes drift and you take a long sip, assuming you bored him.

“Is that one a group hasn’t used yet?” Yoongi asks after consideration, his lips almost pouting at himself being unable to recall the title ever appearing on the charts. You’re a little stunned by the response, having not expected him to try and remember the song.

“Oh, it was released under the name Meteor Shower.”

“Why?” More confusion in his voice. You refrain a disheartened smile from the truth of it,

“Just what they decided.” Dissatisfaction in your voice registers in Yoongi’s ears. “I don’t really have a say.” You go on, fingers tracing against the condensation of your drink’s glass.

“Jimin,” Your head raises in an instance at the name he says. Yoongi notes the action and falls briefly into silence, then goes on slowly, “He was the one who used that song, right?”

You bite your lip at your impulse, wishing you have better control over your reaction to just his name in the air. You nod at Yoongi’s answer, not minding a lack of follow up questions. When that fact of the song comes back into the light, you remember also how Jimin’s never heard the meanings behind songs that he’s used of yours. Always preferring to create his own interpretation so that he wouldn’t be completely taking from you.

“I hope he’s not mad at you for having to do this whole relationship thing.” Yoongi comments quietly, staring towards the tabletop that awaits a pizza. When he thinks about it, he hasn’t seen Jimin around the company at all to apologize to him about the situation at hand, considering himself to be a part of the cause for the false relationship occurring in the first place.

“He’s not. Don’t worry about it.” You say before inhaling. You take a large gulp of the sour beverage as Yoongi looks at you skeptically. Setting the now empty glass back down, you exhale, avoiding eye contact but smiling emptily, “He and I aren’t anything anymore. Really don’t worry.”

As an opposite reaction, Yoongi’s mouth parts in shock, immediately thinking that what happened outside of Namjoon’s cafe, just a simple offer to wait with you until the taxi arrived, caused not only the mess of a fake relationship, but now dissent between you and Jimin. The waiter settles the pizza on the table, steam flowing from the top, and toppings perfectly cooked just as Yoongi had told you. You ask for the same beer as Yoongi before the waiter quickly disappears to other tables.

“You both what?” You turn towards him, not expecting to be met with his horrified expression, “I’m sorry-- I’ll talk to him for you, if he’s angry-”

“He’s not.” You shake your head, hand raising to stop him from worrying further, and hoping to end the conversation before you’re able to dwell on everything like you’ve agreed with Namjoon not to do. “Really, explaining things would give me a headache-- I’ll probably cry too, so I won’t get into it,” You laugh slightly, somewhat nervous Yoongi thinks. “Point is: it’s not your fault. It’s over-” You nod your head once with your ending remark. The hand you have raised curls into a fist at that statement and Yoongi bites his lip. “This pizza looks delicious and I want to think about that.” You nod further until Yoongi head joins in your forcing agreement, then quickly shovels a large slice onto your plate.

Minutes pass eating pizza, and Yoongi finishing his beer before your second arrives, then him also ordering another as well. And there’s an understandable drop in conversation. A comment on the food being good on your end and Yoongi nodding, happened to be mid-bite when you speak the words so he’s unable to respond. So instead he contemplates how it’s possible that every topic about you that he tries to start ends up with being made to say something that upsets you. He thinks about those silly conversation starter threads and wonders if their dumb questions would’ve been a better way to speak than his purely innocent question of your favorite song you’ve made.

When Yoongi thinks more about what you’ve said, from the time you entered his car until the finishing conversation before the pizza arrives, he feels uncomfortable about the information you have disclosed. Even if Yerin hadn’t verbally threatened your job, just the fact that you felt like it would be gone the second you try to take a stand against the current way things are sounds incredibly bleak. When he considers the other idols in the company that he’s asked about you, it makes sense that you think that though. They’ve only mentioned small things, muttering uncertainties whenever he commented that it didn’t seem right for your songs to be credited to another name.

And with your complacency to the fake relationship, Yoongi wonders exactly how much control Yerin hovers over everyone in the company. Or if it’s just you that’s particularly handled so that you’ve learned to just accept things as they come.

Your plates lie empty on the table, save for the unfinished pizza crust from the last slice you tried to finish. Beside them are the second set of empty beer glasses, where Yoongi’s elbow settles next to his. He leans his cheek on his hand, your arms crossing over your front as you lean back in your seat. Your face feels warm and half of you blames the speed you downed the latter half of your beverage. Yoongi glances arbitrarily beyond you as other patrons enter the restaurant, not particularly focused on them or anything in the place. Just wondering how the hell he was supposed to do this every time Yerin sent a demand to your email accounts.

“Joon’s place isn’t far from here.” Yoongi’s eyes flick back to you as you stare aimlessly at the table. You go on, glancing to him, “Walking distance.”

Yoongi pays despite your protest that you would. All it takes is him simply reaching the cashier first, while you’re still managing to pull your coat back on. Your glare when he meets you has him shrug, taking your hand as he leads you both out despite your pouting expression. “Think of it as an apology.”

Despite your claim of closeness, the walk will take about fifteen minutes you say after already going far enough for it to be a little ridiculous to turn back around and walk an even greater distance to retrieve his car. Yoongi doesn’t change in disposition at the information, just a passive nod and an observation that the weather outside wasn’t that cold anyways.

“Can I say something now?” You ask him walking along the cement beside little shops in the park area that were starting to close for the evening. People roaming up and down around you to their own dining activities or other. The streetlamps buzz awake, luminating the way free of bugs in the wintertime.

“Okay.” Yoongi recalls saying that paraphrased line earlier. Has a hunch this is your time to bring about a conversation that would need to be forced into civility among the general public.

“I don’t like lying to people.” You say into the cool air, and Yoongi refrains from frowning at the randomness of the statement. “When I got into this job, I didn’t think it would lead to much. I thought it’d be insignificant. I didn’t have the foresight and I was stupid for not thinking about the long-term, sure,” You exhale and Yoongi remembers the conversation in the elevator. He bites his lip, realizing how his words never settled on your end. Why would they. “I guess you can think whatever you want about me, but I don’t like what I am in the company either. So don’t act like you’re the only one.”

You find Namjoon behind the counter when you both enter into his establishment. Releasing Yoongi’s hand, you start to shrug off your coat in the warmth of the cafe while Yoongi does the same with his jacket. Namjoon appears surprised to see Yoongi with you, though you told him you had to go on a date with him that evening, he never expected you to bring him to the cafe. You sit on your bar stool while Yoongi takes the one beside it, looking around at the relaxed environment because he hadn’t taken the opportunity the first time he was there.

“How’s the date thing?” Namjoon asks already having the answer from your responsive scowl and Yoongi’s dismissive shrug. Yoongi then pauses in consideration, glancing between the two of you,

“Wait, you told him?”

“He’s my best friend. From college, remember?” You say in return simply, tracing patterns on the counter. “I’m sure you’ve told someone you trust about this mess.” Yoongi’s head tilts in acceptance of that information, then looks to Namjoon as his arms cross over his chest.

“Did you both want something to drink or eat?”

“We just had dinner.” Yoongi tells him while you counter the question with a nod. Namjoon resists a humored smile at the lack of contentment stemming between you both. He knows it’s rude to laugh at all given the parameters of the relationship, but it’s still funny to look at when you’re both on completely different pages.

“I want the dessert drink I had the other day.” You say, “Get Yoongi the same one, I need to pay for something tonight.”

“You don’t.” Yoongi rolls his eyes, pulling out his phone as he feels a text notification. While he replies to it you give Namjoon a look that says you do in fact need to pay. Namjoon nods once in response and walks off to make your drinks, laughing to himself once he’s turned away. “I’m sorry about always saying something insensitive to you, by the way.”

“What do you mean?” You continue tracing patterns on the wood, watching from a distance as Namjoon prepares the drinks as if you’ll ever be able to replicate whatever he does.

“Well I think you’ve ended up mad at something I say every time I’ve spoken to you.” You turn your head resting on your palm to face Yoongi, nearly combatting his thoughts until he continues along quieter, “And it’s usually warranted. Especially what I said to you in the elevator.”

The reflection he’s taken towards his words is clear to you. You’re somewhat upset with yourself at his apologies, because he’s commonly sent them in your direction when he feels like they’re needed. You believe he’s judged what he sees and hears of you, but you’re guilty of the same misinterpretations towards Yoongi.

“I’m just overly sensitive.” You turn the blame towards yourself, and Yoongi shakes his head, stopping you from going further into self-deprecation.

“I was angry in the elevator about this dating thing, and took it out on you because of how confused I was when you told me about your job.” He pauses at the word, eyebrows creasing to quickly add, “Which, yeah, I don’t like it, but I don’t know the story behind it, so,” He shrugs, “Frankly I can’t rationalize it, but I think you really don’t like it too, so I’ll stop being a jerk about it.” You bite your lip, nearly chuckling at an inappropriate time from his apologetic rambling. Humor drifts from your eyes when Yoongi finishes, much softer, more resigned, “And if someone brings up subjects that hurt to talk about, you shouldn’t feel sensitive about it. It’s not your fault that some things are hard to discuss.”

You sense that there are his own memories swimming through the insinuation of the words. Obviously, Yoongi has past events that would give him the same scraping feeling to bring into the surface, so perhaps it is something he’s reminding himself by saying that. Nonetheless, the sentiment is comforting.

“You’re right.” Yoongi glances towards you, biting his inner cheek when your lips cast the smallest of smiles. Grateful, he thinks. But more importantly like the ground beneath you both feels even again.

Namjoon returns settling cups on saucers before you both. Cutely decorated with penguins for the winter season, foam frothing barely over. “This has alcohol in it,” He tells Yoongi while you’re scoffing as you reach for one. “I doubt she ever told you, because she drinks it like water, but just so you know.”

Yoongi nods a little, smiling at the tidbit of information while you mutter something about being a strong drinker and that’s it. “Actually, I forgot. I’m driving aren’t I.”

You and Namjoon both look at Yoongi, whose face appears slightly embarrassed and just as surprised at the fact.

“Joon, this is your chance to drive an Audi.” You tug at Namjoon’s sleeve, watching him recoil away,

“No thanks, driving’s not my thing.” You squint, while Yoongi resigns and sips at the sweet dessert drink that tastes to him something like a hot, spiked, milk tea. “Y/N, I already piss the workers off when we used to go go-karting.” You nod at the memory, smiling softly as you recall them practically ready to yell at him when he somehow managed to drive out of the track.

“I’ll get us a taxi.” Yoongi says, enjoying the drink immensely as he continuously drinks. You open your mouth to protest as Namjoon beats you to it.

“Always a taxi with you two.” You and Yoongi both glare at his words, watching Namjoon’s arms rise in defense, then he side-steps away, “Heard my name getting called from somewhere--” He ignores you shaking your head at his nonsense. “Be back eventually.”

“He’s a dumbass sometimes, sorry.” You finally take the first sip of your drink while Yoongi sets his glass down. Nearly empty, he attempts to savor the rest.

“It’s okay.” He says simply, finger tapping quietly while trying to register the song that plays in the background. You feel like the silence is more bearable, at least amicable. The warm drink in hand is easy to enjoy; a nice difference from when you both scarfed down pizza to avoid further conversation.

“What’s your favorite song that you’ve made?” You finally return the question nearly two hours later. Yoongi smiles at the fact, then sits upright in his seat, considering the different songs and their various importances to him. Yoongi hums to let you know he’s just thinking. You smile towards him, finding his craned neck to look towards the ceiling while he mulls it over slightly endearing.

“Closure-wise So Far Away means the most to me.” He answers, thoughts in his head warm at the mention of the track. You take only a second to recall the one Yoongi refers to, and shift on your seat towards him, nodding,

“I love that song.” You’re reminded of the time you heard it on shuffle in a new release playlist, that particular period of your life having been stressful for various, multiple reasons, but the night it came on you were able to escape and just enjoy the lyrics. “I think it’s still one of the songs that’s always in my ‘most listened to’ playlist from the end of last year.” You go on, not catching Yoongi’s intent gaze and lips tightening to refrain from any type of proud smile. Instead he appears a little shy at your apparent affection towards his song. His hand strays to fidget a small rub on the back of his neck while your sentences conclude and you’re left finally realizing your actions. “Oh, I’m sorry, I went a little on my own tangent there.” Flustered. You take a sip of your drink while Yoongi just shrugs, smiling a little flicker towards the bartop,

“No problem. I’m sure you know there’s no overboard when telling someone how much they like something you’ve made.” He’s in his own thoughts for moments, recollecting scrolling through social feeds for hours after releasing new tracks to see the response. Hearing an audience sing back the lyrics and pull out signs telling him that his work is meaningful, comforting, helpful-- heard. There’s nothing other than appreciation for your words in Yoongi’s head.

Until the silence lingers and his neck turns back towards you. Your thumb traces the outside of the ceramic, eyes in the direction of the foam settled on the drink. A contemplative expression that appears also unfulfilled. Yoongi’s lips part to speak but he says nothing as he realizes that you’ve likely never had a fan or listener to your creations tell you their opinions of the songs. Any feedback from the public is directed to other faces, and you’re never the receiver.

On the ride to your apartment, Yoongi considers your age, and the time you’ve worked with SoundWave. The contract your under, the bits and pieces of the circumstances he has the information of. Refraining from lingering conversations of your situation, and opposed entirely to speaking to Yerin in favor of a change. Yoongi glances at you as you look out at the passing roads under city lights wrapped in January breezes. You’re absent of a fresh appearance like most of the population drifts into at the beginning of a new year. He thinks it’s disheartening, maybe even worrisome that if situations had been different for himself that he could’ve been in the same position that you’re in.

The position.

Yoongi frowns as the cab drives from his apartment, recalling the softness in your eyes and the forced, but amicable smile you gave to him when you exited the taxi at your stop. With his hands tucked deep into his pocket he remains motionless outside the building, chill trying to seep through the layers of his clothing, but he ignores it. Thinking instead of the sympathy that trickled into his chest when he heard the silence following his comment of hearing people say things about songs. The sympathy because he knew you felt the same: you’d enjoy listening to the sort of things fans say about your music. But Yoongi also felt a panging sensation saying you shouldn’t be unable to relate to him. The songs and some production even are entirely yours.

And to Yoongi you’re owed the acknowledgement from the world as such.

if you enjoy please, please let me know! i hope you enjoy the series, i’m working really hard on it! : )

tag list (send an ask to be added): @jaiuneamesolitaiire​​​ @tsvkino-usagi​​​​

[zecretsanta]

To: @mastermind-marius

From: @billyweird

“We can all see it, oniichan,” Akane said.

Aoi blotted at his eyes to avoid getting serum in them before giving her a look. They were masking together as they did at the end of a long week, and Akane painted her toenails in addition to it, a cute gel pink. No matter how cute she looked, Aoi did not like her implication. “I don’t like Light, I barely tolerate him,” he protested. He fanned his face to get the serum to absorb and swallowed. “What makes you think that?”

“You always fight with him.”

“Wow. Your standards are so high for me.”

“It’s not fight-fight. It’s like you’re always bickering because you want his attention. You always fight with the boys you like.”

“Well, what do I do to girls?”

“You flirt normally. It’s boring.”

Aoi got up and searched the end table holding their massive cache of skincare goods for his eye cream. Picking up one tub, he squinted to check the label before realizing he couldn’t remember if this was his tub or Akane’s tub of the exact same brand. “I’m sorry to disappoint you, but I don’t like him.”

“Okay,” Akane said in her know-it-all tone. The one she used when she was right.

The next time Light prodded him and he wanted to respond, Aoi had to ponder if Akane was right about him. Them. Whatever. It was so stupid, Light chuckled under his breath at Aoi’s suggestion during a meeting and Aoi could shrug that off but he wanted to add, “At least we consider my ideas.”

“Don’t put your fragile ego back on me.”

“You’re the one trying to make a scene–”

“Please stop,” Junpei said tiredly. He was often the sounding board for problems the two had with each other because their sisters wouldn’t listen to it anymore. By the look on his face he was wondering who would corner him later. “I’ll kick both of you out.”

“No, no,” Akane said although she didn’t look up from doodling on her notepad. “They’re important too.”

Aoi put his chin in his palm and rolled his eyes because the other couldn’t see it. “Yeah sure. If it makes him feel important.” After the meeting wrapped he was unfortunately cornered.

“Do you have a problem with my being here?” Light asked.

When the Fields showed up at Crash Keys’ metaphorical door, looking for a new employer, Aoi didn’t protest. He had some natural paranoia considering Crash Keys was on SOIS’ hit list, looking for any opportunity to arrest and hold them for the whole kidnapping SOIS’ agents stunt, but after a few months he started to relax because the Fields were acting trustworthy. They contributed, they were decent company at Happy Hour, and Akane and Junpei liked them.

Naturally the Fields were fairly cool to the Kurashikis for a long time, but now that they’d hustled their way up to more senior positions (Junpei’s interference he suspected, putting bugs in Akane’s ear) and attended higher management meetings, they conversed with them easily. At this point Aoi, didn’t question if they were cordial.

Yet the bickering came about because, Aoi thought, they had naturally clashing personalities; Aoi hated the need to make himself known as an intellectual and Light made comments to the effect that he found Aoi boorish and impatient. Aoi didn’t act like himself around him; he was quicker to lose his temper and more likely to engage in childish banter.

Aoi scratched his ear. “No, I have a problem with your behavior. Which is part of you, so in a way…yeah I guess I do. What about it?”

“I don’t dislike you.”

“Thanks.”

“I mean it. I…” Light made a ‘tch’ noise, pushed his hair behind his ear, and excused himself, brushing past Aoi’s shoulder as he did.

“He’s so weird,” Aoi commented to Junpei, sitting at the table forgotten, and Junpei just shook his head.

He was weird but he played music well. A few times he’d be humming to himself when he thought he was alone or practice his instrument and Aoi would stop and hover by the door to listen.

“Do you play anything?” Light asked once.

“Guitar,” Aoi answered hesitantly. He had years ago but fell out of practice. “I sing though.” That he knew he was fine at; one time Junpei stood outside the bathroom door and clapped after Aoi was done singing in the shower.

“Why don’t you join me next time?”

So now Aoi had agreed to sing some lyrics Light was testing out while he played the harp. The lyrics were hand-transcribed by someone, likely Clover. Often Aoi had watched her sit in while her brother was composing, taking excellent musical notation so it could be later transcribed into Braille. The lyrics themselves were nice, some extended metaphor about the ocean but it didn’t feel trite the way it was expressed. He imagined it sounded best put to music of course. “These ain’t bad.”

“Normally I don’t write lyrics for my harp compositions, so I’m a bit nervous,” Light admitted. “Give me your honest opinion when you’re done.” He began to play and Aoi forgot how to read. After he missed the beat, Light stopped and quirked his head. “You do know where you come in right?”

“Yeah, yeah, play,” Aoi muttered, and then hummed a note, wishing he’d warmed up more before coming. When they restarted, he began to sing, the first word tremulous but he quickly stabilized and the music leant a smooth quality underneath his voice (which he didn’t think was half bad). To do it justice he had to up his singing game; he closed his eyes at the second chorus and put his effort into the meaningful words. It felt good to be wanted for this. He closed the song by humming with the music, swaying slightly. He felt a calm aura in the room and when he opened his eyes he saw Light’s head was bent at the harp but he was smiling to himself.

Clapping cut through the moment and they both startled. Aoi turned to see a small group of employees applauding their performance, all looking rapt like this was an intentional concert for them.

“Go back to work!” Aoi barked at them.

“Thank you!” Light called as they dispersed. “And thank you, Aoi. That was a good performance.” He smiled at Aoi, that gentle close-lipped but still warm smile he usually gave to his sister or Junpei, and Aoi’s blood raced through his veins. “In fact, can I ask you for a favor?”

“Sure. What?” Aoi asked, waiting and hoping it was related to him wanting Aoi around.

Aoi straightened the sleeves of his blazer, running his palm over what was either a wrinkle or a hallucination from nerves. He didn’t regret accepting Light’s proposal but he also wanted to disappear backstage. Instead he hovered in the doorway, watching the small stage and trying to make out people in the audience. Light had a surprisingly big following, and he said they’d appreciate Aoi’s presence even if at first they would be “intense.” Almost like he peppered that in with a smirk to make Aoi nervous, saying he would leave them wanting. Jerk.

“Get behind me,” Light said, appearing over his shoulder. “I’m the star here.”

“So why am I here?”

“Because you’re a good singer.” Light tugged on Aoi’s collar, making Aoi swat his hand away. “But I’m the headliner so get behind me.”

Aoi did so, not eager to deal with the crowd. Junpei said that Aoi loved attention of any kind but Aoi doubted that judging by how his heart was somewhere at his feet. When he felt the stage lights he perked up a bit; he watched the other catch the light and the energy of the crowd and Aoi tried to absorb that. He shifted on his feet at the mic as Light introduced him, and with a last look at the crowd he squeezed his eyes shut and waited for the music to start.

When it did he found his feet again, and as he fell into what he knew he heard the other accompanying him with humming as well as the harp. Who knew they could work together (Akane did, she would say). Aoi held his breath when he was done; the crowd had been quiet while they were performing and in the beat of silence after they finished he worried nobody liked it, and then the room applauded.

“How was that for a first timer?” Light asked the crowd and judging by his tone Aoi knew he should be insulted. “Thank you for supporting him, he was so nervous.”

Yeah, he was definitely dead. When Aoi turned, unable to help himself, the other grabbed his shoulders, turned him to face the audience, and pushed him into a bow. After a moment he let go and bowed as well so they were in synch.

“No, I think you did wonderfully. They would’ve been vocal if you were disappointing.” Light swirled his straw through his drink again, a habit he had and Aoi only became aware of because he did it whenever they talked yet not when he spoke to someone else. Why he’d become so interested in Light’s drinking straws was his own secret.

“Thanks. You sure can motivate someone.” Aoi didn’t mean for it to come out as sarcastic as it did; on one level he meant it and on the other he had to keep up some semblance of banter. It was why he was startled when Light put a hand on the table, sliding it as if searching for something, and then his hand leaped to cover Aoi’s when he bumped into Aoi’s pinky finger.

“Why don’t we do that again?” he said.

“Huh?” Aoi was too focused on the physical contact, unsure how to respond in case this was a joke. They were espers but surely he hadn’t been transmitting stupid interest for as long as he’d been feeling it.

“I said why don’t we perform together again?” He squeezed Aoi’s hand, and when Aoi wrested it and put his hand on top, fought to cover it again. They tussled silently before Aoi won. “Child,” Light muttered.

“Showoff,” Aoi said and squeezed his hand over the table. “They’ll like me more than you by the time we’re done.”

Light turned his hand over so they were palm-to-palm. “Let’s see about that.”

[beckzorz]

Out of Nowhere (2/21)

Pairing: Bucky Barnes/OFC Summary: An offhand comment at work draws Jesse Kaplan into the orbit of Bucky Barnes. Bucky’s excited at the prospect of normalcy, but there’s nothing normal about falling in love with the Winter Soldier. Words: 3577 A/N: HELLO FROM PART 2!!! Enter Bucky! :D And enter some unconventional formatting... A lot of this is drawn from my personal experiences, and a lot of my personal experiences involve texting my friends about what’s going on a hundred times a day XD (Sorry @kentuckybarnes​!) The song for this chapter is “Solitude” by Duke Ellington from In a Sentimental Mood. Hope you enjoy :3

PART 2: “SOLITUDE”

     Today, 6:38 PM

itsadrian: ahhh you look great!!!!! jesse.kaplan: Thanks :3333 jesse.kaplan: I’d feel better about this if I had a cocktail dress newer than the 1950s itsadrian: lol itsadrian: that’s what you get for only buying vintage clothes jesse.kaplan: My jeans are brand new Adrian… it’s my soul that’s the Real Old™ around here jesse.kaplan: don’t judge itsadrian: can’t help it itsadrian: at least it’s a nice one tho! the 50s are back in itsadrian: and black is classic itsadrian: i think if you went in a dress from the 40s you’d raise some Actual Old But Also Young™ eyebrows itsadrian: 50s seem pretty safe in comparison jesse.kaplan: don’t judge… but I had that same thought process haha itsadrian: SMART itsadrian: that’s why i keep you around :P jesse.kaplan: Well thank god otherwise I’d be having a panic attack on the metro which is never a great look jesse.kaplan: my roommate said it looked ok but I trust you more haha jesse.kaplan: oh geez here we go ttyl!! itsadrian: take a selfie with pepper potts!!!! byeeee

—

Jesse stuffed her phone in her clutch and adjusted its long strap across her body as she ran up the stairs to street level. The benefit was at a fancy hotel in Midtown, a block and a half from the subway. She was grateful she hadn’t given in to the urge to wear her fanciest shoes; her low black heels weren’t debilitating. Not yet, anyway. Hopefully there wouldn’t be too much standing in place.

She hummed jazz to herself as she walked briskly along, not meeting anyone’s gaze. Was it obvious where she was going, dressed up as she was? The benefit wasn’t hugely publicized, or at least she hoped it wasn’t. Sure, there might be a few supers there, but not the whole Avengers squad.

As soon as she rounded the corner, she sighed in relief. Though guests trickled in, the photographers corded off from the entry ignored them. No doubt they were waiting for the famous people.

Jesse hurried to the door, fished out the invite on her phone, and flashed it to the security guard as she went in. She heard sudden calls from the street, but the doors closed before she could see who was arriving.

Inside was cool, fancy—art deco carpeting, gilded columns, a gleaming reception desk. The odd tourist gawked; Jesse ignored them as best she could as she followed the directions of the smiling tuxedoed butler to the ballroom. She steeled herself and went inside.

Alright, so the room was gorgeous. A snazzy bar hugged the left wall, not far from the door, and a small raised stage complete with a Stark Foundation podium was on the far wall. Numbered tables set for ten took up much of the room, but there was a small area for schmoozing by the bar. Jesse brightened when she spotted the quartet just about to play—and a dance floor! Maybe they’d play some jazz, or swing…

Jesse deflated. She didn’t know anyone here.

“Excuse me,” someone said behind her, and Jesse apologized and made her way over to the bar, a vague smile fixed on her face. All she got was a water; no way was she drinking alcohol when she had to talk to strangers. She stood a few steps away from the bar, watching the few couples swaying to the music with a critical eye.

“Jesse?”

Jesse jumped and turned. A fellow dancer! Someone loved her tonight. “Mike! What are you doing here?”

“My company is getting a nod,” Mike said, grinning back down at her. He was pale and very tall—well over six feet—and wonderfully dressed, considering she’d only ever seen him in t-shirt and jeans. “You?”

“My colleague’s in the hospital, so I’m a last-minute replacement. She’ll recover,” Jesse added when Mike’s face screwed up. “If you’re here, I’m not sorry to have to replace her anymore though! How are you?”

“Pretty good, you?”

“Same old. Tired, but what else is new. Anyway, this isn’t exactly perfect music, but wanna dance?”

“Of course,” Mike answered.

Jesse chugged her water and left her empty cup and clutch at her table before hurrying back to Mike as a new song was starting. It had a better beat than the first song, and they snagged a spot near the band.

As soon as they starting pulsing to the music, Jesse’s lingering anxiety completely melted away. There was something magical about dancing with a good lead. Nothing else seemed to matter, and it was so easy to close your eyes and let yourself be led. And Mike was a very good lead.

Once they started doing more complex moves, where Mike was alternatively at arm’s length and swinging her around him, Jesse opened her eyes to avoid collisions. The song was good, predictable—they both hit a break in the music and grinned at each other.

Then Jesse recognized a face in the little crowd that was gathering around to watch them, and she couldn’t help but stare.

Sergeant Barnes.

His expression was severe, intense; his hair was pulled back tightly. Combined with a high forehead and his sharp suit, he looked two steps shy of terrifying. After a moment, he met her gaze. Jesse forced a smile and looked away, heat rising to her cheeks. She kept her eyes on Mike, only daring to look as far up as the onlookers’ collars when she wasn’t facing her friend.

The music was fun, her dancing was good, so why did the guy who had been so impressed by her work look so displeased with her now? Why couldn’t he smile like everyone else, and save her from being so worked up as to lose enjoyment in her one consolation tonight? She felt someone staring, cutting a line across her arms, her collarbone—she didn’t dare look to see if it was still him. She had to talk to him later.

The song finally ended, and Jesse thanked Mike with a customary hug. Some of the onlookers clapped, and Jesse warmed a little as she smiled shyly around at them. Barnes had vanished, thank god.

Jesse slipped away to get her cup, disturbed. She couldn’t think of Barnes like that; he’d done so much for BCEI. And Marilyn liked him. She took a breath to clear her head and arrived at her table.

Oh.

Well.

Sergeant Barnes was sitting next to her things. An old woman was chatting to him from his other side. Barnes glanced at her as she approached, but almost immediate turned his whole body to face her. His gaze was less severe than before; maybe the effect of his companion?

“Hello,” Jesse said, doing her best to maintain a genuine smile.

“Hey,” Barnes said. His voice was soft, a little melancholy, and not exactly friendly. Still, a big improvement.

Jesse slid into her seat and wrapped her hands nervously around her glass, which a waiter came by to refill. The tables were awfully crowded; there was no room to avoid Barnes' gaze without seeming rude. She took a steadying breath and looked back up at him as confidently as she could.

Okay, she knew he was ripped, but his face was oddly delicate. Maybe his sad eyes, or his mouth—Jesse cut herself off.

“I’m here for BCEI instead Marilyn,” she told him.

Barnes stiffened. His eyes narrowed as he leaned back a little to regard her with a suddenly terrifying demeanor. “Oh? What happened to Marilyn?”

“She broke her ankle,” Jesse blurted, her own eyes widening as his narrowed even further. “She’s alright though! Just a fall. A cat or… something. I’m sorry.”

“Bucky, contain yourself before you make this poor girl faint,” the old woman on Barnes' other side cut in. She leaned forward a bit and smiled, not unkindly, at Jesse. “You dance beautifully.”

“Oh, um, thanks,” Jesse said, cheeks hot. She stared into her water, trying to relax.

“I’m sorry,” Barnes said, low and repentant. “I was looking forward to seeing her.”

Jesse forced a little laugh. “It’s okay. I’m sorry too! She was looking forward to coming.”

“But you weren’t?” he asked. She looked up at that. He had his eyebrows raised a little, and she flushed anew. Was it so obvious?

“I only found out I was coming this morning,” she hedged. “I’ve never been to anything like this. I don’t think I’ll know if I should’ve looked forward to it until it’s over.”

He let out a rueful sigh. “Smart.”

Jesse sipped her water rather than agree with him. Far be it from her to tout her own intelligence. Though she couldn’t help but wonder what he was thinking of. He had to be thinking of something specific. She wondered.

The old woman on Barnes' other side reclaimed his attention with what turned out to be a long-winded story. Jesse couldn’t help but admire his quiet attentiveness. Perhaps listening to other people was easier than talking for him? She often found it so among strangers.

Five minutes in, the band quieted. The rest of their table filled in as Pepper Potts mounted the stage, a hulking man in a suit close at her heels. Jesse tried to figure out who in the crowd was a donor and who, like her, was a beneficiary. It was easier with the women—the rich ones had nicer, blingier jewelry. The men… all wore suits.

Potts began her speech, silencing all other conversations. “Hi and welcome to Stark Industries’ annual benefit…”

Jesse listened, half attentive, as Potts introduced various people representing various organizations. Each one went on stage to applause and shook Potts’ hand (continued applause), made a short speech about their Good Works (followed by applause), and left the stage. Jesse began to tune it all out, but then she heard Barnes' name and perked up.

“—Sergeant James Barnes, for his work with the Brooklyn Children’s Education Initiative.”

A smattering of applause echoed through the room as Barnes stood. The couple across the table from Jesse paled as they stared at him in fresh realization. Had they really not recognized him? Jesse glanced around; the shock and whispers were poorly masked by polite clapping. Apparently he wasn’t as instantly recognizable as she’d assumed.

A sudden burst of panic flared in her gut. Would Barnes' checkered history color BCEI’s opportunities in the future? Had she made a mistake soliciting his help?

She stared anxiously around the crowd, then back to Barnes. He stepped nimbly between the tables and up the steps to the podium, shook Pepper Potts’ hand, and adjusted the mic to his six-foot frame.

“Thanks,” Barnes said. His voice was soft, round, and vaguely ironic, but he met her eyes from across the room and gave her a serious little nod. Surprised, Jesse nodded back, and Barnes looked up to the prompter. “The Brooklyn Children’s Education Initiative provides the opportunity for underprivileged kids in my hometown to be fully engaged with their education. Their after-school programs at schools around Brooklyn welcome students of all backgrounds. I was lucky enough to participate in a program about the Great Depression, and it was inspiring to watch the students take control of their own learning. BCEI is a great cause. Thanks, Pepper, and everyone else who enables them to continue their good work.”

Once he stepped back, Jesse relaxed. It was so obviously scripted that she felt no qualms in only clapping as long as most others. It wasn’t any skin off his back if she didn’t give a standing ovation for her own organization.

Best of all, the speech completely sidestepped his questionable past.

When Barnes made it back to the table, Jesse smiled up at him briefly, finally at ease about her attendance. She was done! BCEI had done its part. As soon as the rest of the speeches were done, she could leave, dance with Mike, make small talk—

Well, hopefully not small talk.

As the next speech went underway, Jesse looked through the crowd for Mike, finally spotting him a few tables away next to a middle-aged blond woman. Mike was busy watching the speech, but the woman eventually glanced Jesse’s way. Jesse gave a little smile and looked back to the stage, embarrassed.

Pepper Potts finished her closing statements and left the stage (to applause) as the band picked back up. Jesse turned at last to Barnes and cleared her throat.

Once he turned to her, she said, “Thank you for your speech.”

“You’re welcome,” he said. He took a sip of his drink; Jesse realized he too was just drinking water, and wondered why. Habit, or necessity?

“I don’t know your name,” Barnes said suddenly.

“Oh, I’m sorry! I’m Jesse.”

He studied her face. “You apologize a lot,” he said. “Why?”

“I dunno, Jewish guilt?”

“Ha.” Barnes said, but he was not smiling.

Of course—he’d worked for Nazis. Jesse winced.

“Alternatively, bad parenting?” she offered.

Barnes gave a tiny smile—his first all night. Jesse almost cheered.

“Hi, Jesse.”

Jesse spun in her seat. “Mike! Hi!” She smiled up at her friend. Mike glanced at Barnes with muted curiosity.

“Wanna dance?” he asked.

She smiled and jumped to her feet. Let Barnes be awkward at someone else. “Take a guess.”

–

Jesse danced with Mike for a single glorious song. When a stranger asked her to dance, she accepted, but instantly regretted it. She smiled tensely the whole time, using as much force as she dared to keep her shoulder from popping out of its socket. Once the song was over, she fled back to Mike with a relieved sigh.

While they were dancing, someone kicked the back of Jesse’s ankle. She stumbled with a wince; Mike gripped her elbow, steadying her.

“I’m sorry! Are you okay?” she asked automatically, turning to face whoever had stepped on her.

It was Barnes, dancing with the old woman from their table. His face was pinched, but as she spoke his expression grew incredulous.

“I kicked you,” he said. “Are you okay?”

“Of course, it happens all the time,” Jesse said. She rolled her ankle, containing a wince. Barnes just stared at her. She smiled, hoping to diffuse—reassure him. “So I’ll have a bruise! It’s the cost of doing business. Not a big deal. You’re okay?”

“I’m fine,” he said, still looking at her as though she had two heads.

“Good,” Jesse said. She nodded with finality and turned back to Mike. As they finished out the song, she occasionally met Barnes' eyes. It was hard to look friendly under the force of his confusion, especially as she considered the necessity of asking after the well-being of someone who had not been hurt when that someone was a supersoldier.

Of course Barnes was fine. He was engineered to be fine.

Physically, anyway. Who knew what was going on in his head.

The song ended—Mike timed a dip perfectly—and Jesse hugged him and turned to get some water.

“Would you like to dance?”

Jesse blinked up at Barnes. He stood in her way, his gloved hand held out to her. She looked down at it, then back to him. Why was he asking? Out of politeness? He’d been more confounded by her than anything…

More importantly, did she actually want to dance with him? Would he hurt her? He didn’t seem to know how to express himself in public. Did that translate to dancing?

Well, the old woman had finished her dance with him in one piece, so she probably would too.

“Okay,” she said finally, and put her hand in his.

The corners of his mouth turned up, though she wouldn’t call it a smile exactly. He put his other arm—his flesh-and-bones arm—under hers and across her back, drawing her in so close that her nose brushed his jacket until she turned her head aside. She let out a shallow breath and tried to relax as the music started, simple and slow and gentle. His muscles shifted with his movements, and a sudden flush spread over her face as she realized how close they were. Jesse swallowed. Should she try to make conversation? Should she just bear the silence? What would they even talk about? They’d covered all the normal things back at the table…

“You dance real well,” Barnes said suddenly.

Jesse hummed her thanks and smiled despite herself. If someone who had lived through the actual swing era thought she was doing a good job even when she was so damn uncomfortable, she had to be good.

He moved them a little apart and studied her. “And you look… a little out of place.”

“What?!” Jesse laughed, too bewildered to be offended.

“Your dress is out of time. It’s, um…” Barnes frowned. His gloved hand clenched around hers, and her smile fell flat. Her heart twisted at his obvious confusion. God, no wonder he’d stared at her! He couldn’t place her. Captain America had missed everything for all the years he was missing, but the Winter Soldier… hadn’t.

Her face burned. How could she have been so self-centered? Every concern she’d had about Barnes had been all about her, not him. So what if he was awkward, or intimidating? Hadn’t he suffered enough? Hadn’t he earned the right to be free of her judgment?

“It’s from the fifties,” Jesse said at last, glancing at their clasped hands as his hold tightened again. He loosened his grip, chagrined.

“I thought so,” he said. “But—”

“My hair’s very much not fifties,” she added. “That might have thrown you off?”

Barnes tilted his head as he regarded her. She tried not to squirm, but being stared at by a man trying to piece her various incongruent parts together made her flesh crawl. It felt like an eternity before he was satisfied.

“Right,” he said. He let out a breath between his teeth and drew her back in, settling his arm securely around her. “Thank you.”

His mouth was by her ear, and the quiet warmth of his words sent a sudden shiver through her. Unable to speak, she just nodded.

How could such a strange, displaced man make her feel his presence with nothing more than a simple thank you? Dancing with him was so different from dancing with all the other leads she knew. With them, she had familiarity, comfort… There was comfort here too—he knew what he was doing, no question—but it was spiced with something dark. However awkward he was in conversation, they weren’t limited by that now. Behind that uncomfortable veneer, Barnes was dangerous. Somehow, that thrilled her.

Jesse sighed and closed her eyes, trying not to melt into Barnes’ solid hold. Her efforts must have been in vain, as he tightened his arm around her ever so slightly. She expected him to put her back to a safe distance, but… he didn’t.

Well, she’d take it. Whatever danger he posed to his enemies, right now he wasn’t hurting anyone.

The rest of the song passed in a pleasant blur. When it was over, Jesse hesitated before stepping back. Barnes had gone still, but he let her pull away without resistance.

“Thank you,” Jesse said. She smiled tentatively up at him.

Barnes didn’t answer; his eyes were dark and his shoulders tense. He stared down at her, unblinking. Jesse bit her lip, unable to look away. After a tense moment, he let out a quick breath, nodded sharply, and stalked away.

Jesse stood immobilized on the dance floor until Mike came by with his own water.

“You okay, Jesse?” he asked.

“I think so,” she said. She shook off the strange aftereffects of her dance with Barnes. “I think I’m going to head out. It was great seeing you! Will you be at the dance on Thursday?”

“I should be,” Mike said. He gave her a quick hug. “Bye.”

“See ya.”

Jesse made her way back to her table, still half in a daze as she gathered her clutch and wove her way back to the door. She was almost there when someone put a firm hand on her arm, stopping her in her tracks.

It was Barnes. His face was back to its normal solemnity, but Jesse flushed all the same at the sudden memory of being held against him.

“Where is Marilyn staying?” he asked.

“Oh, I don’t know. I’m sorry. I can find out,” she offered reflexively, then frowned. “Although I don’t know how to get in touch with you.”

“Give me your phone,” he said. “Unlocked.”

Jesse blinked and did as he asked. There was no arguing with that tone of voice. Barnes started a new text, and Jesse raised her eyebrows. “Aren’t you worried I’d give your number to someone else?”

He gave her a dry look, but paused. “Are you going to?”

“No…”

“So I’m not worried.” He sent the text and passed her phone back to her. “Thanks.”

“No problem.” Jesse tucked her phone away, bewildered. “You and Marilyn must have really hit it off.”

“She’s great. No nonsense, no judgment.”

Jesse bit the inside of her lip. “I suppose so.”

Barnes’ eyes narrowed at once. “What do you mean?”

“Oh—well, everyone’s judgmental. It’s just that Marilyn is usually right, so it’s not so obvious. Or annoying. At least for sensible folk. You know.”

Barnes smiled, his face transformed into something sweet and warm. Jesse couldn’t help but smile back.

[keatondj]

My Personal Ranking of Enya’s Discography

Before I really started getting into pop music and the music of today, before I was a true Little Monster or Arianator, before all of that, I had one true music idol: Enya. Enya is one of the most divine artists of our time, I think. 

I knew many of her songs from dancing to them at ballroom concerts or gigs (such as It’s In The Rain, Dreams Are More Precious, and Wild Child), but I never took the time to listen to how beautiful they were. I dug out Watermark from my parent’s CD cabinet one day in my junior year of high school, and became completely enraptured. I wouldn’t go a day without listening to her; yes, I would even fall asleep to her music. I just think she has the most incredible ear for rapturous orchestration, otherworldly vocal arrangements and layering, and heavenly melodies. I always look for music that is just beautiful, and she is the epitome of that for me.

Certain albums speak more to me than others, but all of her work is just absolutely divine. I’d love to share my thoughts and express my gratitude for her incredible work.

Reminder: this is my opinion. Everyone has a different ear, and certain sounds and songs resonate with different people. I’m just sharing my personal thoughts and experiences with these albums.

8. And Winter Came... (2008)

Although Christmas is my favorite holiday and the holiday season is just a sweet time of year, I’m not terribly fond of holiday releases. Other than Mariah’s “All I Want for Christmas is You”, many modern holiday releases are not noteworthy, and can’t live up to the true holiday classic we know and love. This album, unfortunately, falls in that category.

As a whole, this album just falls flat compared to the majesty of the rest of her work. Certain songs just don’t gel with me like “One Toy Soldier” and “My! My! Times Flies”; the use of the electric guitar in the latter just sounds corny, and I don’t enjoy it.

The album has its moments: “Dreams Are More Precious” as I mentioned is one of my introductions to Enya and it’s also one of my favorite songs of hers, the title song follows the tradition of a killer title song on an Enya album, and the “Oíche Chiúin (Chorale)” is Enya vocal-layering at its best, and it’s wonderful to hear such a beloved holiday hymn in another language.

It’s not an awful album; it’s not just heavy in my Enya rotation, we’ll say.

Favorite Songs: “And Winter Came...”, “Journey of the Angels”, “Dreams Are More Precious”, “Stars and Midnight Blue”, “Oíche Chiúin (Chorale)” 

7. Amarantine (2005)

This is another album that just doesn’t stand out too much for me. I actually think it’s quite a lovely album, and the fact that it has the first use of the Loxian language that Roma Ryan invented is exciting; “Water Shows The Hidden Heart” is probably my favorite song on the album from the use of the language and the fact that it’s just a really gorgeous song.

I don’t have a lot to say, really. It’s a fine album, but it just doesn’t resonate with me as much as her other albums.

Favorite Songs: “Amarantine”, “It’s In The Rain”, “If I Could Be Where You Are”, “A Moment Lost”, “Water Shows The Hidden Heart”

6. A Day Without Rain (2000)

This is an interesting album for me. It contains some of her strongest work and some of my most favorite of her work, but it’s not a favorite of mine either. I think the album artwork just speaks to quintessential Enya (and may be my earliest picture of Enya in my mind, I’m not sure), but it’s not my quintessential Enya album. The critics of the time absolutely hated it; I don’t necessarily agree with them, but I think I understand.

The album is incredibly top heavy, in my opinion. The title song is pure bliss, “Only Time” obviously took the world by storm for good reason (and unfortunately in the meme world as well, which I don’t appreciate), and “Deora Ar Mo Chroí” is one of the most beautiful and tragic songs I’ve ever heard. After “Flora’s Secret” (another song I danced to in ballroom), it really loses steam and power. I can hardly ever finish the album for this reason.

It’s musically one of her most gorgeous albums, but it’s not the most impactful or inventive.

Favorite Songs: “A Day Without Rain”, “Only Time”, “Deora Ar Mo Chroí”, “Flora’s Secret”, “Pilgrim”

5. Enya (1987) / The Celts (1992)

At first listen, I really did not like this album. I thought it wasn’t pretty enough, it didn’t have the key Enya elements, and it was too weird. Listening to it more and more, those are actually the reasons I really quite enjoy it now. 

It’s nothing like the rest of her work, which makes it so unique. She was just starting to find her musical sound and sensibilities, and this involved a lot more experimentation on her part. It’s so musically interesting and diverse, and so wonderfully late 80′s. It is a compilation of songs used on the show The Celts, but the fact that it holds up so well as an album itself is remarkable.

This album was a perfect starting point for the rest of her career and it holds up as a great album now.

Favorite Songs: “Aldebaran”, “Deireadh an Tuath”, “Fairytale”, “Boadicea”, “Dan y Dwr”

4. Dark Sky Island (2015)

You have no idea how excited I was to be getting a brand new album from Enya after I started being a huge fan. I wasn’t sure if we would get a new one after And Winter Came..., and little 19 year old me was geeking out too much at the thought of a new Enya album. To say the least, I was not disappointed at all.

This is one of her strongest releases in a long time; 7 years break from releasing music really benefited her, and she came back more powerful than ever. This is such a solid album, and I definitely had it on loop when it first came out.

I will say that none of my favorite tracks stand out against her earlier work, and there is no true powerhouse of the album. It is a very cohesive album, however, and that is how it is so successful. It’s a pleasure to listen to from start to finish.

I sure do hope we get more records from her in the future. I would be so eternally grateful if she could bless us just once or twice more.

Favorite Songs: “The Humming”, “The Forge Of The Angels”, “I Could Never Say Goodbye”, “Dark Sky Island”, “Diamonds On The Water”

3. The Memory Of Trees (1995)

I got this album for Christmas a few years back along with And Winter Came..., and believe me, I was listening to this album non-stop. This is the album that solidified my status as a true Enya fan.

For a while, this was my favorite Enya album, and maybe my favorite album of all time. However, my opinion has shifted, and I realize that I was just devastatingly in love with a few certain tracks. Like A Day Without Rain, this album is very top heavy for me, with the last few tracks not carrying the power of the beginning of the album.

“Athair Ar Neamh” took my breath away when I first heard it; I think it is her most beautiful song to date. I was just absolutely ravished by the haunting nature of the song with the signature Enya production behind it. It’s a song I can always throw on to feel comforted. 

All in all, this is an absolutely gorgeous album, and it’s part of the reason I’m so in love with her work.

Favorite Songs: “The Memory Of Trees”, “Pax Deorum”, “Athair Ar Neamh”, “Hope Has A Place”, “Once You Had Gold”

2. Watermark (1989)

This is the album that catapulted Enya into international stardom, and for good reason. This entire album is ethereal and blissful perfection. It really creates its own world and transports you on a journey filled with desire, contentment, and adventure.

It’s the first full Enya album I listened to, and I can always find joy and comfort in its gorgeous melodies, her haunting vocals, and the spectacular production on Nicky Ryan’s part. “Evening Falls” and “Na Laetha Geal M'Óige” were the two songs that established my sensibility towards Enya’s softer and slower songs, and I hold every other song to their standard, basically.

There is not a bad song on this album, and it definitely could take the number one spot. This is the perfect starter album for anyone trying to get into Enya, and it’s one of the most beautiful albums ever made.

Favorite Songs: “Watermark”, “On Your Shore”, “Exile”, “Evening Falls”, “Na Laetha Geal M'Óige”

1. Shepherd Moons (1991)

This is the quintessential Enya album in my opinion. It checks every mark, and then some. Everything about this album is just so perfect, incredible, powerful, etc. This is where she hit her stride, and delivered her most incandescent work. I can truly escape into another world when I listen to this album. It’s an album I need all the time; it’s one of the albums that really defines me. 

Every song is just so good; there’s not a dud at all. The ones that impacted me the most are “Caribbean Blue” and “Marble Halls”; both epitomize the qualities I love most about Enya. They are my two most favorite songs of hers, but I’m going to say that “Marble Halls” takes the cake for the top spot. It’s not an original work of hers (funnily enough), but it’s just the most gorgeous song ever. Nothing else to it; it’s absolutely flawless, divine, and any other adjective meaning “perfection”.

I love this album so much, and I will forever be indebted to Enya’s brilliance and majesty because of this album.

Enya is an absolute goddess of music, and I hope she knows how much impact she has to all her fans around the world. She is just amazing, and I will love her and her art forever.

[dogbearinggifts]

You mentioned music choices in one of your posts and I'd love to hear a ramble about some of your favorite choices they made 💕

Oh boy. Buckle in, my friend, because if you want a ramble, then you just asked the best question for it. 

H’OKAY. SO. Let’s start with the first one I really noticed, the first one that clued me into the fact this soundtrack was going to be awesome. (More under the cut because I had a lot more to say about this than I’d thought.) 

I Think We’re Alone Now—Tiffany: Like the two songs preceding it, “Picture Book” by The Kinks and “The Walker” by Fitz and the Tantrums, this one is upbeat and bouncy—completely at odds with the situation at hand. Like those two, it helps set the tone for the show: dark but fun, twisted with a cheeky sense of humor, heartbreaking and full of dysfunction but with hope for healing and reconnection. But this song does more than that. As this article points out, it introduces us to each sibling’s goofy side and shows them doing something together, yet separately. They’re all brought together by the same song, even if they don’t know it. It’s sweet and funny and wholesome and Luther’s weird crab-dance-thing kills me every time. 

Istanbul—They Might Be Giants: Not only does this song set the tempo for an absolutely fantastic fight scene, it gives us deeper insight into Five’s situation and mindset. Just before the fight begins, Five had been telling the tow truck driver how he and his siblings used to sneak out and come to eat donuts until they puked. We know that Five is a 58-year-old man in a child’s body, but the driver doesn’t. He just sees a weird, strangely confident kid talking about his apparently recent childhood as if it belongs in the distant past. And then, as the fight begins, a song about changing something ancient plays: “Take me back to Constantinople/ No, you can’t go back to Constantinople/ Been a long time gone, Constantinople.” Five is back in his old home, back in his old body, but not in his old life. It’s been a long time gone, so to speak, and he can’t just pick up where he left off. All he can do is accept the new reality and move forward with a smile and determination. The song drives this home in a wonderfully unexpected way, and the fact it’s the sort of bop you can listen to on repeat doesn’t hurt either. 

Goody Two Shoes—Adam Ant: I don’t have as much to say about this one as the others, I’m afraid. It’s just a great song, with lyrics that fit Klaus perfectly, and it elevates the flashback to peak dark comedy. 

Blood Like Lemonade—Morcheeba: This doesn’t seem the type of song to play while showing us how alone Luther is, does it? The laid-back tempo matches what we see, as he rides his bike through the atrium and peers into his siblings’ vacant rooms, but if you listen to the lyrics, you’ll hear a much different story: Healing holy man once upon a timeHe lived for his wife up until the crimeHunting high and low to seek revengeBrand-new moral code, got made reluctant renegadeLeaving empty souls when he avengedEvil spirits flowed, he drank the blood like lemonadeBut now think about what happens later, after Vanya nearly kills Allison and robs her of her powers. Think how Luther lured Vanya in and suffocated her, tossing her into a soundproofed room with little remorse. Think how, prior to that, Luther lost it when Five suggested murdering an innocent man to stop the apocalypse. Luther isn’t a killer. He isn’t ruthless….until someone hurts the person he cares for most, and he does the unthinkable without a second thought.  

In the Heat of the Moment—Noel Gallagher’s High Flying Birds: Another bop that brings out the show’s dark-but-fun tone, with lyrics that describe Five’s situation better than words alone could: “You’d better learn to fly ‘cause they’re gonna point you up at the sky.” 

Mary—Big Thief: I can’t listen to this one without becoming an emotional wreck, and I have a hard time hearing it when it plays over Klaus crying on the bus. “Will you love me like you loved me and I’ll never ask for more.” He only wants Dave back—and this song tells us as much even before we learn Dave existed. 

Feels Like Heaven—Fiction Factory: The artists described this as an anti-love song—“It’s someone singing about another person they really don’t like.” It’s a bit that doesn’t make sense until your second or third viewing, when you watch the cute conversation between Leonard and Vanya in the coffee shop knowing that he’s just using her to bring the rest of the Academy down. What was he really thinking in that scene? What was he really thinking when he told her how special she was, that he liked her and he wasn’t sorry? 

Soul Kitchen—The Doors: I love that this is the song playing over Klaus and Dave’s falling-in-love montage. It’s not really a love song, which gives the whole scene a fresh perspective; but the lyrics (fittingly, about spiritual connection with another person) paired with the insane chemistry the two of them share, are enough to tell us that this is more than a fling for either of them. That it’s peak psychedelic rock helps immerse viewers in the late-60s era in which the flashback is set. 

Kill of the Night—Gin Wigmore: I wish I had more to say about this, because the absolute perfection of Five getting Hazel and Cha-Cha to try and kill each other while this song plays is on par with his earlier “Istanbul” fight scene. There’s not as much going on beneath the surface, but it’s still a great montage. 

Hazy Shade of Winter—Gerard Way feat. Ray Toro: Gerard Way and Ray Toro covering Simon & Garfunkel. I…yeah, I don’t have a lot to say about it besides “YES GOOD. MUST LISTEN MORE.” 

Those aren’t the only songs I liked from the soundtrack, or even all the ones I thought fit especially well. Those are just the standouts. This entire soundtrack is fantastic and I may or may not have been listening to it more or less on repeat for the past couple of weeks. 

[boogiewrites]

Choking On Sapphires 49

Title & Song: Hounds of Love

Characters: Alfie Solomons x Genevieve (OFC)

Word Count:  8400+

Summary: Gen spends the holidays with the entire Shelby family at her place. All the kids bring up a lot of feelings, and Alfie isn’t helping her hormones stay stable. She has to face a lot of hard truths about what she wants out of her future. 

Warnings/Tags: Language. Angst. FLUFF. Babies. Alfie with babies. You’ve been warned of potential ovulation.

**Chapter song is Hounds of Love by Kate Bush.*

Positive feedback is MUCH appreciated! Reblogs, likes, asks and comments feed me to write more! Let me know if you’d like tagged in my work.

My Masterlist. (Includes Parts 1-48)

Weeks pass and you nurse Alfie back to health. By the time he's set to leave to go spend the holiday with his family, he's up and about and working on getting the strength in his arm back.

The words you'd finally spoken had put an ease over the two of you. Without the expectation of sex, you'd found other ways to spend your time together.  You'd drawn him as he rested and even as he was awake, placing a crown of laurels on his head to practice for a painting. Even though he hated it, he let you. You read together, finally getting around to the Oscar Wilde book. He'd even worked on some writing of his own which you praised him for. Both of you using art both together and separately seemed to help you both cope.  You'd been cooking together, or rather he would instruct you and you would follow, doing all the work yourself as he couldn't because of his arm. He teaches you how to make proper challah and matzo, which in turn you made matzo ball soup with. You'd been taking walks in the garden together, even showing him some basics in painting as you tried to capture the beautiful gloom of the winter landscape of your estate. He thought he was shit at it as he put it, but you, of course, thought he was doing wonderfully.

If anything the time together brought you closer, you weren't sure if that was a good thing, but you were certainly happy there was no looming gloom above the both of you. You trusted that when the time was right, he'd tell you what was wrong, and you held onto it so tightly to get you through the moments when your heart would thump for his touch. 

--- He was gone for what felt like weeks, but in reality, it wasn't. You did keep yourself more than busy in the time being, celebrating Hanukkah with those you shared your home with. You put out the breathtaking Menorah, you read the passages you sang the songs and lit the candles every night. You baked and cooked and fried every sort of thing you'd always wanted to eat but weren't allowed, you gave gifts and even played the piano some nights, trying to give something of yourself to those who helped you every day. --- Alfie returns, seeming to be feeling better, the color back in his face even if his eyes did read as tired.

You're in front of the fire in the big family room in the guest wing. You'd readied the house for the appearance of all the Shelby's, rooms dressed, presents wrapped and home decorated for Christmas. You didn't feel wrong celebrating Christmas with them, even if it wasn't something you had to do anymore, it still felt right to be with them and if you weren't celebrating Jesus with them, you were celebrating a chosen family. Realizing Alfie wouldn't be around for Hannukkah, you had called Tommy to see if they all wanted to come to stay at yours for Christmas. You told him about what happened with your father and he understood, he didn't want you alone on Christmas either. Your home was plenty big enough for them all, a grand nursery and many maids and cooks to accommodate everyone so he gives you the go-ahead to start planning for the flood of Shelby's.

The night before they are scheduled to arrive, you're sitting and staring at the presents under the tree. You'd gotten carried away but you needed someone to buy presents for and you'd spent a great deal of time picking things out for every adult and child. You're in the floor, cheek resting on your knee with your back against the couch as you sit and try to think about any good Christmas memories you might've had. They mostly involved you playing with the other children, and even as an adult that was a part you were looking forward to most. You loved the late night drinking and laughing, the overeating and the gift giving.

But there was something so wholesome and pure about a child around Christmas time, and knowing Elizabeth would've been celebrating her first as a mother made your mind overthink about whether you'd be like her and never have such a thing yourself. For now, you'd just have to be content with the many baby Shelby's that would be calling out for your attention. A Shelby child at every age to let you live out a mothering fantasy for yourself. You'd thought that maybe one day you'd have a child. It wasn't something that was ever at the forefront of your mind, but you'd gone this long and not gotten pregnant you were wondering if that was the result of good planning or luck. Whether that luck was good or bad you weren't so sure.

"Genevieve?" you hear Alfie's voice call from the doorway of the large room, taking you from your thoughts about happy children with his appearance as you hide a frown from him. To say he hadn't been involved in some of your thoughts about children would be a lie. Even if you didn't like to admit to yourself that you were being silly enough to imagine such a thing. You hated yourself for feeling so pregnant with emotion this time of year to even indulge in such thoughts.

"I'm in front of the fire, dear." you call out, waving a hand in the air so he can see you. He appears as he rounds the couch, a stack of presents in his hands. "You adding some to the tree as well?" you ask with a half smile and a tilt of your head.

"Nah, luv." he gruffs out as he sits in the floor next to you. "These are for you."  he says pushing them between your close bodies. "Dinnit get to give ya any over our holiday did I? Since I'm not really a part of this holiday celebration ya got goin' on I wanted to give 'em to ya tonight before the fleet of gypsies comes in." he grins.

"That's actually not a bad idea." you say slowly, head turning towards the tree. You crawl over to the large decorated and shining tree. He laughs at the sight.

"What ya doin'?" he thumbs his nose as your bum sticks up in the air as you reach into the stacks of presents.

"Getting your present, silly." you say obviously.

"Ah...ya did get me somethin'."

"Of course I did," you say in the same tone, tucking it into the pocket of your wooly jumper before crawling back and facing him with crossed legs. "You've gotten me so many grand things, what kind of person would I be to not give you something in return, hmm?" you say with a smile, retrieving the box from your pocket and handing it to him.

"You first." he says, laying the box on the couch cushion behind you.

"I do have more." you grin an almost childlike smile.

"As it should be." he says with a shake of his head, handing you the biggest box first.

"Thank you, Alfie." you say softly, eyes connecting for a breath or two before you tear away at the paper. You pop the lid off of the box, and inside is a roll of new paint brushes rested on top of a new mixing palette with tubes of paint piled to fill the rest of the space in the box.

 "You couldn't have chosen better, darling." you say cheerfully. "RIght brand and everything, clever man." you lean over and kiss his cheek and it even brings a slight flush to his face in the painful absence of your touch. "Thank you. They'll be put to use as soon as the Shelby's are gone. I guarantee it."

He relishes in the happy look on your face, knowing he could still cause such a thing. "I knew you'd been drawin' me too much so I thought you could use 'em since you keep saying you're working on something big." he shrugs.

"You don't have to make excuses, it's perfect, truly, thank you." Your sweet smile makes him sigh. "You want to open yours or should I go for another?" the smile that reaches your eyes stays put and he hands you another wrapped package.

"Another. Even us out." he says in an almost sleepy way as he felt relaxed at the sight of you happy with him in the light of the fire.

You unwrap it with eager fingers and as always he loves to see the expression come over your face. There's no box this time, but a leather-bound book and your mouth falls open, a small gasp as you reach out and grab his forearm, wide eyes meeting his amused ones.

"Alfie! Where on earth..." you whisper out, eyes returning to the book.

"France of course." he grins, entirely happy with himself as he should be.

"It's the first edition." you coos, fingertips running over the gold embossing 'A rebours by Joris-Karl Huysmans'. You turn the cover to reveal a signature by the author. "ALFIE!" you squeak, slapping his arm and he lets out a belly laugh. "I've not been able to find this."

"Ya like it?" he coos at you.

"I fucking LOVE it! My word this is...I don't even know what to say it's absolutely perfect." you clutch it your chest. "You...ugh!" you let out a frustratedly happy noise as you lean over to wrap your arms around his neck. "It's brilliant. YOU'RE brilliant!" you almost squeal in your excitement. You'd never met a man more thoughtful and observant. A man who would remember the most worn book on your shelf and seek out a rare copy just for you. In your happiness, you feel that familiar pang in your gut that you couldn't thank him in the way your mind and body were telling you to. You wanted to kiss him and not stop until the sun came up.

"Ya still got one more, luv." he laughs, returning the hug with one arm, the other hand lightly on your back.

"I don't know if I can't handle another," you say keeping the book in your lap. "But I have one left and so do you so you open yours." you say with enthusiasm.

"If you insist," he says with a charming smile, large fingers picking away at the paper around the small box. He didn't know what he expected, but not this. Inside sits a very large gold, diamond, and black ring. A thick and unmistakably masculine band of gold, a solid square of black atop it, a diamond in each corner of the square and a large S so delicately laid in thing gold outlining tiny diamonds that compose the inside of the letter. "Fuckin' 'hell Gen." he says softly. "It's...it's gorgeous, luv." his eyes swing up to find you chewing your thumb nail nervously.

"You like it? I had it made special for you." you say with a still unsure face.

"How could I not have you seen this fuckin' thing?" he grins, leaning in closer to you to emphasize his seriousness.

"I hoped you wouldn't find it too much. I know I have a flair for the dramatic in my tastes." you smile sheepishly.

"You?" he scoffs, holding up his hand that had multi rings, all large and borderline obnoxious and it makes you laugh.

"It's not just a ring though," you say, moving to your knees and scooting closer to him. "Put it on, please." you request of him so politely. You take his hand in both of yours. "You see...I had it weaponized for you."

"Weaponized?" he says with interest piqued in his voice.

"The diamonds, all of them are shaped and polished into points, they're very sharp. The little gold wires are also very thin and capable of cutting," you explain as you point out things on the ring but he keeps looking at your captivating face so close to his. "I'd been considering how to get weapons into places when we're so often told we can't bring them. So I thought that jewelry might be the answer. The corners are capable of cutting through rope with enough time and pressure and a solid hit from your strong arms to someone's face with this would easily draw blood and slice them open." you look up to see if he's following, as he'd fallen quiet but you find him already looking at you. "I thought it would ease my mind a bit...knowing that even if you get tied up or find yourself without anything else...you'd have this to get yourself out." your voice falls softer as you both look at each other.

"Genevieve you clever, clever, woman. No one else could've thought of something like this...let alone design it and bring it into existence. I should like to steal your words and say it's brilliant and so are you, luv."

Your lashes flutter at the praise and you lower your head from his gaze as you feel the heat creep into your face.

"And you have one last gift, my dear." he says motioning to the box that left sitting on the floor.

You take it without words as they've got caught in your throat as you decide to nod and smile instead. You pick open the rectangular box, a black velvet case sits in your hands as you take off the lid to reveal a necklace.

This was the look he'd been longing to see. Your eyes in awe and wide, your perfect lips in an O shape as your lashes flutter for a moment.

"Alfie," you whisper, eyes not leaving the pendant. He sees tears appear in your eyes that he does not expect, but as he considers the cause, it starts to make sense to him. Your reaction also gives way for his selfish heart to imagine what you might look like to receive such a thing as a sivlon (Jewish gift of engagement) instead of a mere gift. Inside he curses himself for having the thought at all. Why must he insist on torturing himself so?

You take the thin gold chain from its weak restraints in the display, a gold circle with a border of tiny sapphires around it, in the middle sits a large sapphire hexagon that sits inside a silver Star of David. It hangs from the chain by a teardrop shaped gemstone,  inside the points lay tiny little aquamarine stones. You gulp noisily, wanting to cry but you take in a ragged breath and try to compose yourself. You'd never had anything like this. No heirlooms to wear to signify your heritage, it hadn't even occurred to you yet to do such a thing.

"Here, luv." he says softly, taking it from your hands and opening the clasp. You gulp and nod hurridly, gathering and lifting your hair and turning your back towards him, as he rests the cold amulet on your chest and the touch of his fingertips alone along your spine send waves of heat throughout your body. The feel of his breath on the back of your neck makes you sigh and close your eyes. There had been no man to light you afire in such a way before. You were afraid of what it meant and afraid of losing it and him as it felt to find someone else that could make you feel this way would take another lifetime.

You turn back towards him, pushing back tears and hoping it just read as appreciation. "I hardly have words for it Alfie." you manage to whisper out, looking down at the pendant in your fingers. "It's... breathtaking." you manage to say. "I never even thought of wearing such a thing." you shake your head subtly, raising your eyes back to his. "But you were so very right in choosing it." you give him a small smile.

"Wanted you to have one worthy of you to wear." a subtle shrug of his shoulders. "You deserve more than simple lines of silver or gold. Although there is something beautiful in the simplicity. But nothing about you could ever be simple." his voice is soft and quiet, his brow furrowed slightly in thought as he takes in how it looks so perfect against your skin. Like it was meant to be there, and he was the one meant to put it there. "You've come so far to even know it about yourself, I thought it proper you had a way to let others know without a single word uttered." his mouth hangs open slightly, his hooded eyes pensive.

"And in my favorite stone." you give him a smile that warms him down to his very soul. If he still had one at this point.

"'Course, luv." another charming smile and he wasn't even trying to be.

"I feel thank you isn't enough." you let out a huff of a laugh, uncertain about how to express how you felt. "It means the world to me that you got me this." You move again, and slower than the last time as your wrap your arms around his neck. "I really mean that. Thank you. From the bottom of my heart thank you." you hide the tears as your face is buried in his shoulder, his arms slowly encasing you back.

He can hear the pain in your words, feel the tension in your muscles as you keep a tight hold on him. "You went through hell to know it about yourself, to not hide it. You deserve a reflection of yourself as beautiful as you are." His thoughtfulness makes the tears break free from your eyes. He hears the sniffle before he feels the hot tears fall to his neck. "Oh Genevive, darling." he says in a warm and comforting way. Sweet words so quiet and said into your hair as his arms move protectively around you. A hand moves to the back of your head, the other held fast against you.

"You're right." you whimper, planting a kiss to his cheek before pulling away. "It's the best gift I've ever received."  your fingers hold the pendant as you swallow loudly.

He uses the sleeve of his shirt to wipe away your tears and you let out a little huff of a laugh at the gesture.

"Thank you. For being so thoughtful." you say again.

"No, thank you." your eyes ask him for what. "For reminding me that I am still capable of such a thing." his words feel strained and genuine and it hurts you both to hear them. ----- The Shelby's all file in, from Tommy to the newest of John's babies. Poor Esme looks tired but is wide-eyed at your house as you hold the new baby, taking in the new baby smell before handing it back to her. You greet everyone with hugs and kisses and holiday greetings. You show everyone to their rooms, taking Charlie and placing him on your hip as you settle everyone else in, maids scurrying about and tending to all whims.

You announce when dinner will be, and let the quiet fall across the halls as everyone rests and freshens up. You sit with Charlie in the nursery, talking to him about what he wanted for Christmas until he falls asleep on you, straddling your lap, arms limp at his sides and face planted into your chest. He snoozes away and you stroke his hair, a kiss to his baby soft hair from time to time, humming to him. You end up laying your head back just a bit too long, the boys peaceful snoozes causing you to take an impromptu nap as well.

A deep chuckle wakes you up. You flutter your eyes open, hands moving instinctually to around the boy in your lap.

"Motherhood would suit you Genny." you hear Arthur's voice as you focus in the darkening light of the room. You let out a yawn and Charlie grumbles against your chest.

"I've found myself wondering about it myself." you say after a yawn.

"That so?" he nods with a thoughtful face, like he hadn't expected the answer.

"With the passing of Elizabeth and all this with my family I'm afraid it's forced me to think about it." you say softly, not wanting to wake Charlie.

"I am sorry you're having to go through that Genny..." he says with a frown, a strong hand on your shoulder.

"Thank you sweetheart." you say patting the comforting touch.

"If you're wantin' little ones yaself ya might want to get on that ya know." he lowers his chin at you.

"Don't ruin the sweetness, Arthur." you give him a grin and push his hand off your shoulder.

"I"m just sayin' ya ain't as young as ya used to be, mum had most of us by your age."

"I'm painfully aware of how old I am Arthur." you shake your head and smile with a sigh, Arthur wasn't ever very good with words. You knew he meant well.

"I'd just like to see ya with some babes of ya own is all. You'd make a brilliant mum. Ya fierce, yer kind, no one would dare mess with 'em." he laughs, causing Charlie to stir.

You hold him close and stand, adjusting him as he whines against your chest. "Well if the opportunity arises I suppose I'll have to start considering it now, won't I?" you tilt your head at him and he shrugs.

"I ain't been his biggest fan but...watchin' him with the kids out there this evenin' I'm not entirely against Solomons as a suitor for such a thing. I know ya ain't exactly...traditional in yer ways Genny. I 'spose if you like 'im I gotta get used to the idea of 'im not being such a fucker as I've known him to be before." he shrugs, trying to be supportive and helpful with the suggestion but having someone else say it out loud, to know he's out there playing with children makes your chest hurt just a bit.

"Linda let you talk like that around Billy?" you smirk, avoiding the subject.

"Aw, fuck. Aw, hell. Aw...damn." he curses, trying to find a substituted word for his cursing as you snort and cover Charlie's ear as his other is against your body as you laugh and he follows you out of the room. ----- The next day is Christmas Eve,  the children have been shaking the boxes under the tree, the older ones telling the younger ones which were and weren't theirs as the younger ones can't read and just want to guess what's in the ones meant for them.

You've been very busy and distracted between children running around the house and trying to do some of the cooking yourself. You wore your hair half up, you wore no makeup and a simple dress, the Shelby brothers looked at you differently, not really seeing you dressed down in such a way before. The women seemed to count you amongst their own, even Linda as she kept complimenting your modest dress, cooking and your clear affection for the children.

You've been in the kitchen, and you follow one of John's girls, two fists full of ribbon running into Alfie's study.

"I got more!" she shouts, feet carrying her as fast as they can as she rushes into the room.

"He's so much hairier than daddy!" you hear the younger of the two girls say and you narrow your eyes in thought as to what they were doing.

"I got a lot 'a bows!"

"He's wike a bear!" the young one giggles as you peek around the corner.

You see Alfie, lying on the couch lengthwise, feet crossed with a book in his hands, looking surprisingly unbothered for what the girls were doing to him.

"Gimmie da bwush!" the little one demands, taking it roughly to his beard, the oldest tugging his hair and putting bows in unorganized tufts.

"Eh, take it easy there little one." he laughs as he's smacked in the face with one of your hair brushes.

"Sowwy." she mumbles, holding his cheek in her little hand, tongue stuck out in concentration as she brushes his face in a much more gentle way.

"You're not doing it right." the older on says. "Switch." she demands, snagging the brush and putting it directly on his beard as the other fumbles with trying to tie another bow in his hair but her little sausage fingers just can't manage it. "Like 'is!" the one announces while she separates and ties a bow in his beard.

You can't contain the smile on your face, and your laugh is only held in as you have your hand tightly over your mouth. You'd never seen Alfie around children and the way he was letting them manhandle him was beyond hilarious. He's wearing an indifferent face, eyebrow arched as he tries to continue reading as the girls smack away at him, asking him questions as he grunts and nods and speaks to them very lovingly.

Aggie calls for afternoon tea from the main hall. The girl's heads turn towards the door, seeing you standing there.

"CAKE!" they both yell and starting tugging on Alfie's shirt.

"Yes, yes...Cake girls. There will be cake." he says with a laugh as he looks up to see you watching you watching him and he raises to a sitting position.

"You've never looked more handsome." you say with a huge smile and a hand to your chest. It would seem in jest, but it's the honest truth. Something about a good looking man letting a little girl dress him up and being so sweet to them warmed you down to your bones.

"Yay!" the older one says, fluffing his beard.

"Ya comin' girls?" you hear John come up behind you before he bends over in a laugh.

"We made da bear pwetty daddy!" the little one says hugging Alfie's neck.

"Ya look great, Solomons, I gotta say." he snorts and elbows you. You give an encouraging nod.

"Feelin' beautiful Johnny boy," he says with an equally amused face and tone. "C'mon then treacle," he says as the girl hangs from his neck, scooping her up and she continues to pet his hair. He did have much more hair than John, so it was understandable they'd want to mess around with it. "I got this little monkey." he says, giving the go-ahead to John to take the older one's hand and walk to the dining room.

Seeing the way your face was lit up, your beaming smile at him made his chest feel heavy and warm. "Never expected to see this." you shake your head and walk beside him down the hall.

"I got little nieces, yeah?" he says as an excuse. "And I just got back from having them assault me over the holidays so I'm just lettin' the little buggers have their fun." he smiles at the girl who isn't paying attention and tugging on a bow on the top of his head. He sets her down in the doorway, turning to you before he enters the room. "Little help, luv?" he asks with a charming smile.

You happily oblige him and start to untie the knotted ribbons. "Do you..." you almost hesitate to ask. "Like children?" you try to remain indifferent in expression and tone but you think your voice stuttering gives you away as you notice him look towards your face.

"I don't mind 'em. Pain's in the arse but...they're honesty is endearing." he shrugs.

"I find them to be beyond charming."

"So you..." he pauses in the same way you did. Both not asking what you meant. "Like children?"

"I love children." you say wistfully and sigh, moving to the bows in his beard.

He nods in response. You feel his eyes looking over your face and part of you hopes he's thinking the same thing you are and the other half wants to run away screaming at the insinuation.

Tommy leaves the doorway,  parting the two of you "Gotta go get Charlie from a nap."  he grunts.

"Don't be silly, I'll get him. He's so precious when he's sleepy." you say with honesty that Alfie notices. You were such a fierce and career driven woman he'd never stopped to consider that you might want children for yourself, or a family more like the Shelby's. Preferably with less betrayal and chaos but he stops and considers it for a moment as he sees the kind look in your eyes when speaking of your godson.

He misses the days of sleeping with you with no thought to the future. It'd been so simple. Now with more secrets known to him, more sides of you that you were exploring and showing willingly, the thoughts of a future with you had hit him hard, fast and frequently. Especially watching you with the children the past few days and coming back from time with his own family. He pushes it down and swallows it as he turns to enter the room of babbling Shelby's

"He's so good with the children isn't he?" Aggie whispers as she walks arm in arm with you to the nursery.

"He is. Surprisingly so." you nod and she sees a sadness in your eyes she doesn't understand.

"I've seen you watching him with them." she nudges you with her elbow and you give her a weak smile. "Lucky for you that there are so many clocks around." she says as you give her a puzzled look.

"Are you okay?" you huff out a laugh. "What on earth are you talking about?"

"Because they cover the sound of your biological clock ticking so loudly." she smirks.

"Oh fuck off Ag's." you say with a louder laugh. ----- He can't escape the thoughts of you he's been running from over the next day, he hears our laugh, see's you running after children during the day and drunk adults at night and he's enchanted.

He sits in his study, as to not seem like he's a part of what's going on in the house, but the seat he takes gives him a clear shot down the hallway to the nursery and you come and go all the time.

"Papa said we're going to the zoo in the spring!" he hears a little boy's voice echo down the hallway.

"My goodness! I love the zoo! Have you ever been?"

"NO!" he shouts as if he's offended by the fact.

"What's your favorite animal you'll be going to see?"

He sees you walk into frame, holding the boy's hand as he jauntily walks, a smaller child on your hip, drooling and fast asleep.

The boy roars loudly, letting go of your hand and putting up his fingers like claws. You dramatically jump back, hand to your chest and declare that there's a lion in the house and you call for help before laughing and clutching the baby to your chest and running into the nursery, the little boy growling and chasing after you. You would make a spectacular mum. ---- He's sat back with a glass of wine in the corner of the family room, the women except for you have gone to bed and the men up drinking and gabbing.

Esme appears in the doorway with the newest baby crying. "John, for fuck's sake, help me out with this one," she says in a drawn-out way. "I've fed her, changed her everything she just won't hush and I'm so bloody tired." she yawns.

"Mind if I have a go?" you ask, your dress makes you look as if you floated towards her.

""ave at it." John says with a shrug.

"Maybe she can tell mumma's at the end of her rope." you say with a smile, taking the baby from Esme. "You go get some rest, I'll deal with her." you pay her back and she drags herself out of sight. "Say goodnight to daddy." you coo and wave the babies hand to John. "And to uncle Tommy and uncle Arthur." you say with a laugh and a smile as the baby's red and angry face makes indistinguishable noises as it looks slightly confused at the new happy tone that's being used around it. "And to grumpy 'ol Alf." You laugh. "Who you resemble right now I must say." you snort and smile at him, waving the tiny hand still. He rolls his eyes, a wave, and a nod as he watches you leave, bouncing and cooing the unhappy child.

When he looks back to the rest of the men, they're all looking at him.

"Fuckin' what?" he says with an exaggerated expression of confusion.

"Fuckin' Genny that's what." Arthur says with an amused grunt.

"What about her?" he says defensively.

"Ya gonna tell me that watchin' her bein' all motherly with these babes these last days ain't stirrin' somethin' in ya?" he says with raised brows.

Tommy laughs into his glass and Alfie narrows his eyes.

"If you won't admit it I sure as fuck will." John laughs. "Certainly got the tits already dunnit she?" he snorts.

"I'm just drunk enough to agree." Arthur says with a loud laugh. They both look to Tommy.

"I'm not a part of this conversation." he says with raised brows and closed eyes, shaking his head and lighting a cigarette.

"You and me...we've had our bad blood but if Genny likes ya..." Arthur shrugs and takes another drink. "I 'spose I'll have to get used to ya, eh?"

"I think you all have a gross misunderstanding of Gen and I's relationship." Alfie with a frown that isn't angry.

"Do we?" John smirks. "I don't know no man, yeah? That could watch that pretty little thing chasin' after these babes and not want to put one in 'er." he holds his hands up in the air in enthusiasm.

"You'd send half of fuckin' London up the duff if you could John." Tommy says snarkily.

John and shrugs and takes another drink, sitting back in his seat. "They're wild when they're pregnant." he grins.

"Maybe it's 'cause I've 'ad one now, but I can certainly see she should be a mum. Make a proper woman out of her. I know she wants some babes of her own...and your the only man she's been with so I'm just sayin'...happy accidents." he gruffs out.

Hearing that you'd confided in Arthur that you indeed wanted children was the cause of his deep intake of breath but he'd play it off like it was an annoyance. "I ain't the kinda man who likes accidents." he says with pursed lips.

"So there's in a plan in place, eh?" Tommy smirks and his shoulders shake just once with laughter.

He's never been more relieved to see a pair of children as one of John's middle children come in holding Charlie's hand.

"He woke up and said he wanted auntie Genny but I can't find her." the older boy says with a yawn as he rubs his eyes.

"Fuckin' 'ell." Alfie grumbles quietly. "I'll take ya. I'm going to bed anyway." he volunteers.

"Thanks, mate." John says with a nod.

"Already a proper papa he is!" Arthur says waving his glass in his direction.

"C'mon lets go find auntie Genny." he says taking the boys hands in his. ---- You've gotten the baby to quiet by letting it suckle on your finger, you're still singing away softly, the older children in the other room fast asleep. You're looking at the tiny little potato of a babe in your arms, swaddled up and chubby-cheeked. You hold it's head under your nose and feel the softness of its skin and hair, taking in that new baby smell while you had the chance. Why did your hormones have to be so aggressive, you thought with a frown. You go back to humming and bouncing the baby, looking out the window into the tree line, trying to not think about your future.

"Quiet now, little ones are sleepin'." you hear Alfie's hushed voice as you see him carrying Charlie in his arms and guiding the older child back into the room by its hand. "Your little boy here woke up and started askin' for his Genny." he says with a half smile.

"What is it my love?" you say, moving the baby to one arm and reaching out and stroking the boys hair as Alfie held him. Alfie's eyes held steady on you and your movements.

"Bad dream." he mumbles, rubbing his face.

"Daddy not very good at helping with the bad dreams?" you say with a smile, knowing Tommy's strong suit wasn't telling someone, even Charlie that everything was perfectly fine and it always would be. Which is what he wanted to hear. He murmurs and shakes his head and it makes Alfie smile. "You need me to put you back to bed darling?"

"Pwease." he quietly asks. He could swear the words almost put tears in your eyes.

"Alright my little prince, come to your Genny now." you say as he brings his hands around your neck and you manage to hold him with one arm.

"Ya got him?"

"Don't have much of a choice." you smirk. "I'll be right back." you say with a wink.

Alfie's left with the other child, he looks down at the sleepy boy. "Time for you to go back to bed then." he says with a nod.

"Can I sleep in here?" he asks pointing to a small bed. "My sisters in here, I sleep next to her at home."

"Ah, gotta look out for little sis eh?" he says as he walks him over the bed and grabs a blanket and a stuffed animal on his way back. "You like sleepin' with 'ese?" he asks, wiggling a stuffed bear at him.

He nods and grunts, taking it to his chest. Alfie tucks him in and starts to rise.

"Could you read to me?" he asks with big blinking eyes.

"Ah, 'hell." he whispers, finding himself bending willingly to the polite boy's wishes. "Alright lad." he says moving to the shelf. He sits on the edge of the tiny bed and starts to read him a story about a dog.

You've put Charlie back down, a plush horse he'd gotten for Christmas bribing him to be a big boy and go back to sleep.  You walk in with a fussy baby, and see Alfie reading to the boy and your heart flutters.

He gives you a nod as he continues reading and you move to beside the crib and bounce and hum quietly. His voice is so soft and gentle, kind and caring, all the things you'd want a father to sound like while reading his child to sleep. You get caught up in your emotions. You shut your eyes and hold the baby close, letting it hear your heartbeat. You turn your back to him, after watching him animatedly but quietly tell the story was just a bit too much for your weak heart to handle. Maybe you'd had too much wine, maybe you were more tired than you thought, but instead of warm feelings, the hurt started to ache in your stomach. Elizabeth would've been doing much the same you were right now if she'd lived. Perhaps even you could've been doing this with your own children if you'd done things a bit differently, but you push that thought aside as you know it's useless.

You're left with your thoughts of the now, and the huge questions that loomed in your future. Why were you getting so damned upset? Did you really even want to marry Alfie? It seemed like such a ridiculous notion to you. You...married. You almost scoff aloud at it. And to have children? With him? Even more asinine.

But a little voice comes forward in your head. Why is that so crazy to want? What made you think you didn't deserve to expect those things out of life? You're hit with anger as you realize your father keeps haunting your thoughts even when you don't realize it. Just because you'd left and refused all your suitors, citing you'd never give him want he wanted from you, a married and obedient daughter and grandchildren to carry on his line. But it wasn't about him now, was it? It was your life, your decisions and you clearly had some big ones to make for yourself. You weren't old by any stretch, but you weren't getting any younger either. You knew you should be primed for marriage and children, having built a business for yourself, taken care of yourself and your money. But was the next chapter really this close? And was it really marriage and children? There was so much left that you wanted to do, and could you do those things if you had children? You'd thought romance dead until Alfie snuck his way into your heart and mind. You would've proudly proclaimed it from the rooftops that it was decaying and buried in a moor somewhere to never be heard from again. But it seemed Solomons had done the unthinkable and raised the dead for you. You don't know why you felt so foolish for wanting romance in your life. Perhaps it was because you'd thought it a childish notion, a girlish fantasy that could never live up to reality so you'd shunned it entirely after finding that everyone always let you down in that department.

He's finished the story, the boy now asleep as his eyes turn to you. You're swaying back and forth, humming with eyes shut, giving little pecks of kisses to the baby that rests on your chest. It's little hands grasp at your breasts and smack as it fuss's and you remain perfectly poised and patient. You do look a bit tired, your shoulders low, more than a few strands of hair had fallen, but he doesn't know if you've ever looked more lovely. It could be the way the moonlight hits you, the troubled but stoic expression looking like a statue of Madonna and child. He knew the Shelby brothers were right. If you wanted to be a mum, you more than deserved it. You looked born for the role as he watched you with a baby small enough to let him have the outlandish thought that it could've been yours.

You're so caught up in your own thoughts you don't notice that Alfie's stopped reading, the boy fast asleep and is now shushing another young one in the crib next to you. You wipe a tear that had gotten loose and realize the baby in your arms in asleep. You watch him coo and whisper, lips pouted as he speaks softly and rubs the baby's cheek with a thumb that looks so gigantic next to the wee babe's head. He hums quietly as it smacks its lips and gurgles, he lets out a soft amused laugh, smiling down at it. The way the moon came through the windows, the blue light reflecting off the snow outside, the warm feelings from being surrounded by your what felt like, extended family, everything hits you so hard and so fast. You can't stop the tightness in your jaw or the tears in your eyes. You realize you do want to look at someone doing exactly what he is but have it be all yours. The man doing it, the baby sleeping. Perhaps you can even imagine the glint of a wedding band on your finger as you wipe away a tear. You never thought admitting that you truly wanted such a thing for yourself would hurt so damn much.

His smile fades quickly as he turns his head when he hears you let out a sniffle. "Genevieve, darling, what's wrong?" he whispers, eyes wide and honest, finding yours the opposite. His warm hand brushes a strand of hair out of your face, those rough padded fingertips wiping away the tears that come.

"Can-." you gulp noisily and grit your teeth. "Can you take her?" you choke out, not meeting his eyes. You move closer to him, holding the baby by the head and bum. When he does nothing but look at you as if you were speaking a language he didn't understand you finally look into your eyes and all he can register is pain and question. "Please?" you say with a furrowed brow.

He nods silently, eyes darting over your face for answers as you move your sleeve to wipe away more tears and move quickly out of the room, your body language reading like that of a scolded dogs, leaving with low shoulders and your tail tucked between your legs.

He watches you leave, holding the baby close, mouth open and the heat of confusion in his face, the sting of uncomfortable tears comes after he lays the baby down, standing in the middle of the room, eyes moving to nothing in particular as he wrings his hands. This was his fault, wasn't it? He fights the tears, he feels his eyes burn and turn red. He grits his jaw and squeezes his eyes shut tightly. He clears his throat and takes a deep breath and tries to not feel all the guilt that's washing over him in heavy, suffocating waves. ---- It's the night before the Shelby's are going to leave. You're tired and doing one last round of the halls before going to your room. You're crossing the entryway, passing through the beams of moonlight that are coming through the window in the top of the domed ceiling under the stairs, strips coming from the tall windows around the front door.

You hear the family sound of Alfie clearing his throat as you stop in a shadow and don't turn right away. You hadn't talked about you crying and leaving, of course, and it was all building up and hurting you inside.

"Geneveive." he says your name as the sound beckons you to turn slowly to face him.

You say nothing but blink rapidly before meeting his eyes. He walks into a beam of moonlight, his face cast partially in shadow as it tilts to reveal an expression that's warm and not confrontational and the tension in your body lessens.

"There's one tradition I've always liked about Christmas, ya know." he says with narrowed eyes that read as playful now. You walk towards him slowly, passing in and out of the light.

"What would that be?" you ask standing away from him still. He points up, and your eyes move to obey the directional instruction and you see mistletoe hanging from the chandelier. You let out an involuntary soft laugh that he's never been gladder to hear. You both knew this was just a thinly veiled excuse to do what both of you wanted, but for some reason unknown to you, couldn't.

His eyes are softer when yours return to his. He extends his hand out to you and you stare at it for a few seconds before moving towards him against your better judgment. He feels so warm as soon as your skin touches his. He puts your hand, fingers laced with his against his chest to pull you as close to him as he can. You almost felt ashamed with the thoughtless compulsion that drew you towards him. You'd had too many deep thoughts the past few days, too many emotions and hormones mixing in a dangerous cocktail that made you willing to turn into something desperate and pliable under his strong hands.

Neither of you speak, only each others breathing being spoken. His other hand moving to the side of your face and he's as gentle with you as he had been with the baby in the nursery. You look at each other for a few heavy moments, eyes blinking and moving across the others face as if you might've forgotten what they look like as they mist over and glance at lips and pained expressions.

Without a word, he kisses you. And you welcome it. He leads you gently to him, a kiss of the same nature. He feels your body melt at his touch, your chest pushing against his. You don't pull away or stop him, your lips giving way to what his wanted as they keep moving slowly against yours. You feel his chest rise, putting the hand he held up around his neck as he lets his arm wrap around your lower back and pulls him tightly towards you with both arms. He let's go of your face and a splayed hand rests between your shoulder blades. The kiss goes on longer than either of you intended, but wasn't that always the case when you would give in and let yourself show what you truly wanted with things besides words?

It's not rushed, it doesn't hurt either of you as you expected it to, it just felt so satisfying. He could feel your pulse and knew your skin must've felt as sensitive and set aflame as his own. It was hard to want to stop, but he knew it couldn't go on forever, so instead, he rests his hand on the back of your head and dips you, your foot popping out as you smile and laugh into his mouth. He kisses your cheek as he lifts you back up, one hand rested on your hip.

You stand with your hands on his chest a moment, feeling his heartbeat, the rise, and fall of his chest, the hum of his breathing you longed to fall asleep to. You look up to him and find he's already studying you. He's so thankful to find your face now happier than when he found it. He hated having this power over you now, something he'd longed for for so long. You shouldn't let a man like him influence your emotions, you were better than that.

"I find myself rather fond of the tradition as well." you give him a sweet smile that warms him to his bones. You open your mouth and close it, not knowing what to say. There was no reason to be demanding, or ask for more.  "Goodnight 'Fie." you whisper. It was the first he'd heard the pet name in weeks. Thankful you'd broken the silence with the heavenly sound as you pull away from him.

"It is, my luv, it is." he says with a small shake of his head, fingers laced and not letting go as you pulled and turned, staying clasped together as long as they could until they broke apart and you turn to walk to your room.

Pt. 50 Make Up Your Mind

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