#making of i'm not okay (i promise)

[vampyfrnk]

[croquettish]

Claustrophobia as a Metaphor for Hans' Feelings for Henry

All right. I'm ready to go full tinfoil hat here but I have a theory, y'all. And there is a lot of evidence to back it up even if you decide I'm off my rocker for most of it:

I think Hans' claustrophobia exists in parallel to his feelings and, more importantly, how Hans feels about his feelings for Henry.

We first get the hint that Hans is claustrophobic when he and Henry get tossed into the dungeon at Trosky:

This is immediately post-divorce era. The boys haven't quite yet made up and Hans has gotten his first taste of what life is like without Henry. He did not care for it, and that realization comes alongside an incredibly unexpected vulnerability that Hans is not used to and has not had to deal with before.

The threat of losing Henry before was of course something he could conceive of before, most recently following Henry's ~terrible fall, but that would have been losing him in the abstract. If he lost Henry because of their fight, that would be (at least in his eyes), 100% his fault, at least in part because-- as you'll recall-- Henry was ready to make up literally the next morning. Earlier, even, if you watch the way he tries to look at Hans while Hans is stubbornly staring away as if to keep from being persuaded by Henry's puppy dog eyes.

The divorce era presented a different sort of loss, namely losing Henry not because of God's will, but because of his own stubborn pride. He got Henry back after, but the risk was there and it's only after getting him back that the full weight of what he almost lost hits him. At the beginning, when he's still panicking in the cell, he's still in what he perceives to be the proverbial doghouse, and he promptly follows this up by eating crow and apologizing to Henry for being an asshole.

Panic abated.

Until Henry is taken away from him, of course, and the walls truly start closing in. I have to really commend the creative direction of this scene in particular because that zoom out + transition to a Dutch angle is so fucking haunting in this scene while we watch Hans clearly trying not to have a full breakdown. It really induces the feeling of claustrophobia even if a person doesn't suffer from it themselves.

Henry was taken away from him, and as far as he knows, he might never see him again. No wonder the walls start closing in on him.

After that, things return to normal. No bad claustrophobia concerns for some time, incidentally. Henry is there, and his feelings regarding Henry are completely logical and rational. What a good friend Henry is!

The next time we see Hans' claustrophobia flare up is after Nebakov is hit by the Finger of God/bombard. Hans is trapped under a beam and is (understandably) freaking the fuck out. We also know from his dialogue later on that this scene magnified his claustrophobia even more than it was before.

What's notable, however, is that Henry at this point is barely conscious and isn't responding to Hans. As far as he knows, Henry isn't alive. That bombard could have easily killed any/all of them and tbh it's kind of a miracle that it didn't. Never mind that after his brief foray into consciousness, Henry is promptly hit by a full-length ceiling beam and (presumably, logically) knocked the fuck out. Meanwhile Hans is being crushed by his own fear of his feelings.

We obviously don't know what happens between the time of the tower's destruction and the scene in the cart after, but we do know that Henry was woken up at dawn to the commotion and by the time they get done being tortured, it's very late at night. So presumably Henry was out cold for a while there. Not only are the walls closing in on Hans here, they're literally crushing him. The fear of losing Henry is more present than ever.

And to make matters worse, he has no idea when or even if he's ever going to see Henry again. Henry has no value as a hostage. He could easily be simply disposed of without a second thought.

Henry could die, and it would, in Hans' eyes, be all his fault. At this point his feelings on the matter are guilt and a tremendous amount of self-pity (as we later learn from Brabant). As if to coincide with Hans being confronted with his feelings regarding Henry and the loss of him at this point and time, he ends up stuck in his gilded cage at Maleshov.

Once again, the walls are closing in.

We learn about how he felt about this only later when we chat with him at the Devil's Den:

The big problem with the room, Hans explains, was simply that he couldn't leave.

If we bear in mind the claustrophobia : confrontation of feelings metaphor here, this makes sense. Henry could be dead. He could have been tortured. He could still be in captivity. Hell, depending on how you play Henry being tortured, he even tells the torturer to just go ahead and fucking kill him because he's not talking. Henry was ready to die.

Hans knows Henry. Extremely well. He knows that Henry has some truly insane principles that he will stick to no matter what. There's no doubt in my mind that Hans probably knows there is a good chance that Henry doesn't make it through this. And he's confronted with all of these feelings over an extended period of time where he gets to sit and spin.

In light of that, I think it's interesting that he calls it a hole, because I would never use a word like that to describe what is effectively a fancy hotel room. But figuratively speaking, of course it's a hole for him. He's despairing. He needs Henry in his life and there's nothing he can do to get to him or to save him. He can't leave.

And then, of course, Henry shows up after all. No wonder Hans looks so unbelievably elated to see him. Of course, this is when Henry brings up the secret passageway. Hans is told that he can leave this enclosed space for another, even tighter enclosed space!

Now, if you pick the correct dialogue option here and tell him that you'll make it through, together, Hans of course discloses that the shit about how it's not ~chivalrous was bullshit and that it's because he might endanger him:

He just spent the last x amount of time (depending on how long you had Henry dilly-dallying around Kuttenberg and its environs) trapped here and steeped in his feelings regarding Henry. The fear of losing him is at the top of this list. To Hans, going into that passageway could also make him lose Henry. And it would be his fault. Again.

There's also something to be said here about close quarters. If we're to return here to the metaphors, then those close quarters force Hans to confront his feelings for Henry. Henry even says it himself back when they're in the Trosky dungeon together:

From there, it's on to Raborsch. Which is where things get very interesting.

Hans is told that he's going to be getting married. Much like in the Trosky dungeon, we get that zoom (albeit in the other direction this time) and then his POV. The way time seems to slow, the wobble of the camera... being something of a panic attack haver myself, this is exactly what it feels like. It is honestly impressive how well they mimic the feeling of it. And the way it's executed almost makes it look as though the room is shrinking.

This is my own personal headcanon that will probably not be shared by most people, but I think this is the moment that Hans realizes that he's in love with Henry. It would make sense for him to feel faint and like the walls are closing in on him in that moment.

It's also the worst possible moment for him to realize.

And then he proceeds to try and shove those feelings aside and repress them as best as possible. Nevermind that yet again Henry isn't there to help support him.

There was a wonderful post going around the other day about why Hans' responses to the romantic dialogue options Henry chooses sound so platonic. Because... yeah. He's holding that shit in TIGHT. He is on LOCKDOWN.

And we see that reflected in where he chooses to place himself physically after that point!!!!

After the announcement, Godwin can find him outside on the balcony getting absolutely hammered and talking to Rabbi Jehuda.

Even at the Devil's Den, where he's objectively free, he feels... crowded. Like the walls are closing in on him:

No fucking wonder. If he just realized that he's in love with Henry, then at this point in the story he's still trying real hard to repress that shit. Hans is erecting these walls himself as if he's trying to choke these feelings out of him. It also makes sense why he's constantly going out to get away from this confrontation of feelings as much as possible, riding out whenever he can:

Even in the group meeting with the Devil's gang, he says this:

Now it's the whole tavern! Anywhere that has walls and a roof is choking the life out of him! And of course here Henry is suddenly fucking everywhere.

When talking to him about the rides he goes on in the surrounding areas, this line of inquiry leads him to ask if he's fucking poaching again, and Hans comes back by saying this:

Allow me to just say.

And I cannot stress this enough.

He did not need to tell Henry that.

Henry tells him as much, but it feels fairly obvious that this was said with intent. It's like he's trying to reinforce his own heterosexuality to both him and Henry.

I would also like to highlight here that to Hans, it's always outside that this heterosexuality occurs. Even at the baths those hookups are merely in tents. The girl from Bohunowitz he found in (or near) a hunter's camp in the forest.

So we see a pretty direct correlation here. The inside of pretty much any building (or passageway) that also contains Henry or the Absence of Henry (in the abstract) is profoundly unsafe. This is the space where feelings always seem to happen and where Realizations™️ occur.

So! The outside is safe! Nothing can get him there, not even his feelings for Henry!

It's interesting, then, that Hans decides to invite Henry into that very space not long after:

Even in the space Hans uses as an escape (including as an escape from Henry), he still wants Henry there. Much as I discussed in this post, Hans views hunting with Henry in this scene as an escape into the past. Pre-betrothal, pre-feelings. A simpler time and a return to normalcy.

Naturally, he has to counteract Henry's presence in the Comphet space by bringing up as much heterosexuality as possible:

He brings this up regardless of how you respond.

Depending on your dialogue choices, you then learn that the girl from Bohunowitz is named Karolina. (Tbh if I didn't know better, I'd assume she was fucking made up seeing as she shares a name with the same girl he was running after in The Amorous Adventures of Bold Sir Hans Capon and there is no such girl to be found in Bohunowitz.)

Regardless of whether you chose to tease him or grumble about his womanizing, Henry makes it pretty clear that he doesn't want to hear about it. He says something similar as well earlier, when Hans says that the girl from Bohunowitz (who may or may not be made up) gave him a ~ride:

Hans quickly changes the subject, but Henry keeps them on topic and brings it up again, effectively asking him if these wenches are more important to him than he is:

(Tbh it's pretty fucking obvious from these interactions that Henry is already feeling quite a lot here and is looking for validation from Hans... which Hans then, perhaps unwittingly, provides. Maybe he just can't help himself. The truth slips through the cracks.)

Hans immediately reassures him, of course:

At which point it's Henry's turn to brush him off and put some distance between them again.

Distance which Hans immediately closes up again...

... only to freak out and instantly backpedal.

The assault on Maleshov really hammers this connection home, where even outside, he can't run from his fear.

In this case, because the Finger of God fires and hits the fortress walls.

Hans falls back and just... stares.

And just stays there for a while. For long enough, in fact, that Henry and Godwin have to come help him up.

Henry, in this instance, is both the problem and the solution: all Hans has to do is accept the fact that he's in love with him—with a little help from Henry.

And then we get to the Italian Job. Hooo boy.

It does not escape my attention that these two dialogue options come up in the same conversation, one of which of course leads to a romance choice:

Henry tries to insist on how much he enjoys Hans' company only for Hans to brush him off. Quite substantially. Like if I was Henry I'd be fucking gutted or at the very least baffled that my friend could be that obtuse when I'm over here dropping all these hints.

And then, of course, Hans promptly panics again when Henry brings up the underground passage and asks if he's joining him in going through it (almost as if those two bits of panic are related).

He even brings up societal judgment! But I think it's that last one that carries by far the most weight. He's still looking for any possible way out that he can find and asking for validation from Henry while he's doing it. Which is asking quite a lot of Henry imo.

Of course, then he suddenly doesn't have a choice anymore. Which is also where Hans actually comes to terms with his feelings. He has to go through the passageway. There's no choice. The walls are closing in and he has to accept it or he'll go insane if he keeps repressing any of this any longer. The narrative is practically telling him: you can't run from this anymore. His feelings for Henry are real and they're right in front of him and they're not this terrifying thing that he's been running from all this time.

Katherine tells Henry that Hans was trailing behind Godwin and her "like a dazed sheep" and that she hopes he didn't get lost.

The good news is that he didn't. Instead, quite the opposite happened: he finally found his way to accepting how he feels.

And when he does, he finds that he's no longer afraid of them. Suddenly, as if out of nowhere, confronting his fears meant that they're not nearly as terrifying anymore.

Again, Henry asks if he's really all right, and Hans insists that he's never been better. No fucking wonder. This was a come-to-Jesus moment if ever I saw one.

And then he checks on Henry. All this time, he's been looking at his own fear, stuck in this, quite frankly, closet, and not thinking about how Henry has been feeling.

Even so, Henry is worried. At which point Hans gets to reassure him that, no, he's all right. In fact, the one holding him back and hurting him most in all of this has been none other than himself. If anything, Henry has been encouraging all this time. He does his job well. And that includes loving Hans.

Henry suggests that he overcame his fear, and Hans insists that no, that's not quite it.

Which makes sense. You don't just overcome your fears by facing them. Certainly not something like claustrophobia. It's also unlikely that an actual miracle occurred here. If you listen for his idle talk before or after this conversation, even Hans is absolutely baffled that he just... overcame his fear. Just like that.

To me, that suggests that this is about something else entirely, and not tight, enclosed spaces at all. He's always been afraid to face this part of himself.

In fact, if we recall what happened during their successful siege on Maleshov, Hans fell and couldn't recover without aid. Here, he fell and got himself up again because... it didn't kill him. It's okay to have—wait for it—fallen in love with Henry.

Is this a stretch? Maybe. But the fact that it happens twice makes me think that it was done with intent.

(If I wanted to bring in a real stretch here, I'd suggest that there's meaning behind the fact that Hans helps Henry up to his feet several times, first after his terrible fall at the beginning, while they're walking to Bozhena's, and again after he's on the floor getting kicked at the Semine wedding. If this was meant to be a hint as to where Henry realized that he was in love with Hans, having lost him first almost to death and then again to the divorce arc, it wouldn't surprise me tbh. He fell, and Hans was there to be his solution—the only difference is that Henry wouldn't have had a problem accepting it the way that Hans did. But, like I said, this one is a stretch.)

All of which brings us to the second confession.

Henry tried telling him this same exact thing before, after nearly losing him to the noose and their temporary split. Now he's saying this exact same thing again. Which feels... pointed and frankly intentional.

And this time, Hans responds in kind. He also cares about Henry. He's just really bad at showing it sometimes.

Because of course he's bad at it. He's spent the whole game thus far stuck in a closet of claustrophobia battling against his own internally homophobic demons.

But his success in a) escaping that closet and b) battling those demons brings us to the promised land.

Where they fuck in a (relatively, considering Hans' fear from before) small room and with Hans underneath Henry, the safest ceiling to come (down) on him of them all ♥

[kalied0skull]

man fuck innocent quiet johnny i need him to be a little shit

i need him to throw swears at guys on the street and toss trash into the roads

i need johnny to join in on the insults and screaming matches and play fighting with the gang

i need angry johnny who hates everyone and gets real pissy about everything

i just need him to feel other emotions sometimes because pony is such an unreliable narrator that now everyone thinks he's just some sad kid

what about what we don't know huh ... sniffles ... what about that ...

[nox-in-a-box]

I don't care if it's pixel art, I'm not leaving the beige background alone.

[hetchdrive]

basically ghoulcy compels me because on Lucy's side it's like, "what if the existential dread of the 1950s suburban housewife could be shrugged off in favor of shacking up with a monster and microdosing on becoming one, as well" and on the ghoul's side it's like, "what if you went through two hundred years of crushing trauma which changed the way other people treated you for the worse and you couldn't rely on anyone and then you met someone who reminded you of yourself before All That and she genuinely liked you as you are now", like...

[daemon-in-my-head]

At last, here it is. A while ago, I had the pleasure of commissioning the wonderful @lokorum to portray my beloved idiots in all of their tragic glory.

So without further ado, after months, here's the first chapter of my durgetash-centred, possibly very long, post-canon Genfic (cuz even if he's not featured in the picture, he's very much the one behind it, and yes, I said genfic but they do fuck, there's just also other themes that are more important than whatever it is those guys got going on).

https://archiveofourown.org/works/63147115

Rated M; further elaboration, summary etc behind the cut.

As per usual, please mind the tags. This is rated mature and may turn explicit depending on—let's be so fr—nothing but my mood. It IS a tragedy. I know how it ends. Trust me when I stress the tragedy part. I'm writing this story through tears at times. There's fluff, there is hurt comfort, there is true old man yaoi but there is just as much 'doves that aren't simply dead but rotten' and pain.

So to everyone who's not scared shitless yet (which is very valid), here's a summary:

The year is around 1530 DR. The once-revered and reformed Bhaalspawn returns to the city he had both saved and nearly doomed, emerging from his exile in the Underdark. Though he claims to seek only rest, the city's de facto ruler, Archduke Gortash, sees through the monster’s carefully crafted facade. Perhaps if the elf had never saved the Banite all those years ago—when he was little more than a blurred and distant memory—his own fate might have unfolded differently, perhaps even more mercifully. But regrets have long since lost their weight. The past is immutable, and all that remains—all that truly matters to him now—is the purpose that once again draws him into this treacherous den.

And on a personal note; I'm still squealing and shoving this artwork into the face of everyone I meet irl. I absolutely adore it. I'm not sure I'll be stopping with that soon. You will see reblogs.

Again. Tragedy. I mean it. There's fluffy moments, but I will absolutely exploit them to enhance the pain. I'm dead serious about Bhaal being able to learn from me. I caused his kid more agony than he could ever dream of delivering. And I haven't even shared the worst parts yet.

Edit: I also mean the psychological warfare tag. It's my guilty pleasure. And whatever over one year of obsession amounts to.

[lolomustdie]

kinda disappointed that the paper only said illi mcmillin bc that's the name of the prop person who did the props for the video and stuff and ig they write their names on stuff but hey, we can still have our illi 💔

[mulders-too-large-shirt]

thinking about how mulder loves to get scully a gift, usually terribly heartfelt, even if disguised as something flippant:

the superbowl vhs tape he brings her when she wakes up from her coma in one breath (and her deadpan "i knew there was a reason to live")

tickets for a football game to watch together in irresistible

bringing her flowers to the hospital in memento mori (he lies, saying he stole them from a guy with broken legs to make her laugh)

the birthday keychain in tempus fugit (and when she finds a meaning to it, he claims "i just thought it was a pretty cool keychain")

that is a man who is always thinking about her.

[betterbetty]

Little analysis on Misty and the relationships she has with the yellowjackets and herself, because why not.

Honestly, I think one big reason people don’t understand her character is because they don’t understand fatal loneliness. She has truly been living in her own world for so long that she kind of created her own echo chamber. It isn't just she doesn't have friends, she has absolutely no other input. It is incredibly easy to moralize everything you do when you have no connection to anything that keeps you in check. Because you know who you are on the inside, you know that you don't do things maliciously. This is probably how Misty sees herself. Her mind is in a constant spiral, looping around itself to justify everything she does, because how could she be evil? She knows her intentions aren't. I think this also a big reason, other than the fact that she is young, why she doesn't see and never truly will see a problem with her and Ben "being together". She was turned out by social norms and othered at a very young age and now any rhetoric that society throws at her, even moral values, she can throw away in her mind because she doesn't feel the need to live by a "social standard" in any sort of way. Even if that social standard is something objectively right, she'll be grouping it in with a society that rejected her. Why would she live by that? She's figured out her own set of rules for what's wrong and right and a lot of them just don't hold her accountable.

Another thing is that she has truly only lived as a bystander. It's why the woods seem like a perfect solution to her, why she'd want to stay in them longer. She's lonely, she's found a place that is just as blocked off from the world as her mind has been for years. Here is the place where no words yelled against her hold any real weight. Because she is needed here. There is absolutely no one with the knowledge she can provide, at the end of the day their insults are only for show, because they can't make it without her.

This is why we see her start and end relatively in the same place. She is in no way a static character, but the rest of them have a much more obvious descent than she does. Their disconnect from society does the exact same thing that hers has done her whole life; it justifies them. They will never see themselves as evil, because their brains are now doing the exact same thing, moralizing their actions. Telling them that what they did, what they continue to do, is okay because they have reasons. It's why they're so quick to reject Ben, because he is proof that they never had to abandon morals to survive. And it's why they are so quick to establish a hate against Misty once they get back, because she is someone they can easily pin as "crazier" than them. They see her as the obvious outcast, and now their first step back into society is reestablishing that. It's almost how they "gain back their sensibility". Furthering themselves from what Misty is, even though they all went through the same things, is how they manage to go a little less insane.

Truly what every Yellowjackets monologue has kind of dissolved into is the repeating phrase "I am not a bad person because..."

I hope no one takes this as me pinning Misty as an evil mastermind, it's meant to do the exact opposite. I want people to understand just how much loneliness can affect a person and the way they see things.

Anyway, I'd be super stoked to hear what others think of Misty and what's going on in that noggin of hers :)

[vampyfrnk]

me every day of my life.

[deoidesign]

I have freaking silly little guy disease...

After a full day of work (drawing them) I relax and draw for fun (drawing them)

ON GOD I am going to create and fuel my own fandom. If every post in the tag is mine so be it but it will not be empty. drink from my cup.

Such a big fan I'm making their whole comic and then some

[pencilofawesomeness]

The consequence of coming up with a full backstory for Sukuna for With the Storm is that I think about it too often. Little things remind me of it and I am compelled to talk about it; alas, it'll be, like, 20 chapters until fully get into it lmao.

Inspired by this amazing graphic made by @dappermouth which is very Sukuna-core to me and I could not stop thinking about it until I drew this.

[sillygoofyqueer]

Okay okay mad scientist AU, what do I want to focus on right now, hmmmm.....I suppose we can talk about the different Big Shot's reaction to Wei Wuxian's presence, I did promise you that! Okay so let's start with the ones I actually DON'T care about. Jiang Fengmian is finally meeting his best friend's son for the first time in his life. He's like really going through it because even with the resentful energy crawling around and permeating his body, he still has the features of his parents. His mother's dark grey eyes are sometimes visible when the darkness stopped swirling around in them a little, his father's smile is still there, so clear and plain as day when he talks to the other teenagers forced into this war. The way he draws people in around him is all his mother, but the gentle way he treats those lesser than him is just an indicator of how his father had treated the little disciples when they came running towards him for help and comfort. He's sick with the memories amalgamated into one boy, and that leaves him distant with his own children.

Yu Ziyuan is a bitter woman who watches how his husband becomes melancholic and lost in memories, and mistakes it for melancholy for the life he never got to have, the woman that he never got to have. She sees this and only becomes more enraged at this teenager, who is already cultivating with these dark, heinous forces and not receiving any repercussions for his actions despite the fact that he is puppeteering the dead. She can't help but channel this into resenting this young boy even more. The only words she says when he, or The Lads, are around are just barbed, bitter insults. Wei Wuxian doesn't care, doesn't notice, doesn't react - until the first time he hears her insult his parents in front of him. The only reason that Suibian doesn't connect with her face in those moments is because Wen Qing literally stabs a needle into Wei Wuxian and then goes "next time, I won't stop him." Needless to say, they don't go into each other's vicinities a lot.

I want to talk about Jin Zixuan but first we have to talk about Jiang Yanli in order to talk about him. So, she's a bit hesitant with Wei Wuxian at first, because obviously her mother has beef with him and usually people who have beef with one person have beef with the whole family. Then, one time, as she's making soup in the Jiang kitchens, he comes creeping in quietly, drawn both by the alluring smell and the fact that The Lads (now including Lan Wangji and Nie Huasiang) would never suspect him to go into the Jiang part of the war camp!! She actually notices him when he stumbles to avoid a pile of dishes or something, and she's like ".....hello." because uh. Why is this guy sneaking into the kitchens. And he just goes "can I wash the dishes? 🥺" because the longer he stays in a single tent, the longer it will take for The Lads to find him and drag him back to the medical tent.

Jiang Yanli is actually so baffled but like, who's going to say no to someone who doesn't seem to be doing any harm and actually wants to help out with a chore? She lets him get to it without much issue, and he starts doin' the usual by yappering away about fucken anything that comes to mind, mainly praising the food n shit that he can smell - "better than the Burial Mounds, I'll say that much!" - and like. What. Oh my gods. What did this poor guy eat in the Burial Mounds. Jiang Yanli's jiejie instincts kick in and before she knows it, she's sitting beside him on the floor and eating a bowl of soup with him (he didn't want to eat alone), listening to him sing praises about it all. Of course, this then becomes a regular thing.

Because this is My AU and I can Do What I Want, the soup misunderstanding happens a bit earlier on here. BUT that comes up later, so let's first talk about Jin Zixuan's reaction to Wei Wuxian's presence. Jin Zixuan has finally gone against his father and has joined the Sunshot Campaign against him, so I've decided that this is sort of like his emo phase (I was going to describe it as 'late' but he's literally still a teenager okay). Everything his father would do, he does the opposite of. He scorns people he views lesser than himself? Jin Zixuan is helping out the servants and making a targeted effort to thank and remember the names of the ones in his camp. He views people based on their usefulness alone? Jin Zixuan is actually trying to breach his shell of social awkwardness with the help of Luo Qingyang so he can get to know the people that he's going to be fighting with, not limited to just his own small group of loyal Jins.

Jin Zixuan is so determined to not be like his father that instead of ignoring the fact that he has half-siblings like he was content to do before, he actually wants to find and connect with as many of them as possible after the war. To do this, he needs to talk to Wei Wuxian, their new resident talisman maker, for help. Now, when it comes to Wei Wuxian, he is like "I fucking told you guys so." the moment it's brought up. He's trying to be better, but he literally did fucking tell them and they didn't believe him. In the spirit of getting to know those he's fighting alongside, he walks right up to Wei Wuxian (ignoring the glares from Xue Yang and Wen Qing) and goes "thank you so much for your willingness to assist us fighting in this war. You have shown yourself time and again to be an honourable individual." Luo Qingyang is face palming in the background but Wei Wuxian sees this awkward mess and thinks 'oh em gee this is just like Wen Ning.'

[its-all-papaya]

turtle dove (overwinter chapter seventeen)

landoscar | 17/18 chapters | ~100k complete

Instead, the shift makes the pain in his temples flare, and he registers the heat in his eyes before he realizes he’s crying.

Only once he’s started, he can’t make it stop. He’s exhausted, body so heavy, and everything feels wrong and tender and shaky inside of him. Even the hand high on the back of his neck doesn’t help, because he doesn’t understand, it shouldn’t be possible. He sees the crunch of carbon fiber and every time he reminds himself it wasn’t real, he gets stuck figuring out how this – Oscar in his room, in his stupid papaya jumper, in the middle of the night – makes any more sense, whether it might all be a different, crueler figment of his fancies.

“Hey, shh,” Oscar says, determined even in his maybe-real-maybe-not form to comfort Lando like always, “it’s alright, you’re awake now.”

“How?” Lando hiccups out.

[eddiezpaghetti]

It has come to my attention that SOME OF YOU who read my last Byler post remain UNCONVINCED. So I'm gonna tack onto it this:

I'm older than fucking God and air, and I've been out and proud since 2007. Yes, I know what homophobia is, and yes, I know what queerbaiting is. I know about Supernatural and Teen Wolf and Sherlock and blahdyblahdyblah. No new ground is being covered here. I thought I made that clear in the original post, but, clearly, I did not.

I am aware of queerbaiting and homophobia, and I'm still wholeheartedly certain in Byler being canon anyway.

Okay, so there are three types of relationship I want to discuss when it comes to queerbaiting. They're all, like, "queer relationships that could have happened, but didn't".

First off, queer-coding. This isn't really a thing so much anymore, but it still crops up every once in a while. I'd argue it probably happens most with male-male relationships in family shows these days. First example that comes to mind is Mr. Smiley and Mr. Frowny from Steven Universe. You can't make a relationship canon because some shitty overhead bastard overhead said no, so you get as close as you can without compromising the show. Can't make someone gay? Well, now their comedy routine is a blatant allegory for a romantic relationship. Boom-shaka-laka. This is something I don't see being a problem with regards to Stranger Things, but I want it to be there as contrast, a demonstration of one of many things queerbaiting is not. However, one could argue that, thus far, Will Byers is, canonically, queer-coded. It's pretty fucking heavily implied in the show, and the creators have confirmed it, and you're gonna be able to see it if you're not FUCKING BLIND, but word of god is not technically canon which means that interviews don't technically make something canon, blahdyblahdyblahdyblah, technicalities, Robin has been explicitly stated in the text to be queer while Will has, thus far, not, outside of good ol' Show-Don't-Tell. Of course, anyone with two brain cells to rub together can tell that that's going to change by the end of Season 5, but, hey, for what it's worth, I'm throwing this out there.

Alrighty, Thingamajingama Number Two: "Oops, I accidentally made the greatest love story known to man." AKA, a genuine, honest-to-goodness mistake. Unfortunately, we do live in a heteronormative society. Sometimes people who don't think about being gay much write a friendship that's incredibly compelling and don't even consider the possibility that it could have been read as romantic. Something something Top Gun something. This is, again, not queerbaiting. This is Steddie, this is Ronance, this is Elmax, this is your favorite flavor of non-canon ship this week, this is not Byler. The creators know DAMN well what they're doing. They've talked about it. We know this. Nothing new here.

Which brings us to the topic of discussion here. Actual queerbaiting. This usually starts out as an "accidental greatest love story", and then reacts to fan response. And when I say "reacts", I mean like a goddamn chemical reaction. Like bleach and ammonia, bitch. It's noxious and it's gonna kick your fucking ass without mercy. This is when a creator is like, "Hey, let's get our queer audience invested, but we're not actually going to give them what they want because our straight audience isn't here for that/we personally think it's gross/we don't give enough of a shit to want to research a goddamn thing to write a real gay character," blah blah blah whatever excuse they want to come up with this time.

And when you think "queerbaiting", I want you to think "bullying". Because that's what it is. It's lucrative bullying, like beating us up and taking our lunch money, but it's bullying all the same. And it's a real goddamn thing, even if people misuse the word a lot, often when they mean one of the two above, sometimes when they mean "bury your gays", which is another homophobic thing entirely that I'm not going to get into here. Queerbaiting is the thing we're focused on, and it's real, and it's bullying. And here's the reason I want you to think of it as bullying:

They

Think

It's

Funny.

They are actively making fun of us.

That's why Dean had the "Cas, get out of my ass," line in Supernatural. It's why the "Do you like boys?" line happened in Teen Wolf. It's why "Lie with me, Watson," happened in the RDJ Sherlock Holmes movies. Because "It's just a joke, mate." "It was just a prank, bro." "You didn't really think it would happen, did you?" "You should see your face."

So here's probably the biggest reason I don't think it's specifically queerbaiting in this specific instance of Will Byers and Mike Wheeler.

Stranger Things has never, not once, made a gay joke. Ever.

Every single time queerness comes up, it's dead serious.

Lonnie calls Will a fag, and the show is not at all reluctant to show what a goddamn horrible person he is. And when Hopper latches onto that, it's not as "Hahah, is he gay, though?" It's because he's trying to determine a potential motive for Will's disappearance, and even if someone had interpreted it as a joke, Joyce immediately has a line that functions as snapping her fingers in front of the audience's face and yelling "FOCUS" when she says "He's MISSING." Basically outright saying "This isn't funny!"

Troy calls him a fairy, along with targeting Lucas and Dustin for their skin color and disability respectively, and Mike gets damn near murderous. Troy is portrayed as a goddamn monster and the show portrays it as justice when El makes him piss his pants and later breaks his arm.

Steve calls Jonathan "queer" as a slur and gets the shit beat out of him for it.

Billy's father is revealed to be homophobic and abusive in the same breath.

Mike says "It's not my fault you don't like girls!" and we're shown how devastated Will is and Mike immediately follows him to beg for forgiveness.

There is a joke in Robin's coming-out scene, but it's not at Robin's expense. It's at Steve's. Specifically for being heteronormative.

Jonathan has multiple scenes where he's trying so hard to tell Will that he's always going to love him as he is, whether he's gay or not, without pressuring him to come out before he's ready.

Even when there's a little bit of ribbing at Robin's expense, it's always because she's an awkward nerd who's nervous around pretty girls, just the same as Lucas and Dustin are teased when they both first develop crushes on Max, and even then, even then, it always comes as a package deal where they make fun of Steve's girl problems at the same time.

Stranger Things is an emphatically pro-gay show. It may not be the core point of the show the way it is in, say, Our Flag Means Death, but there is nothing less than respect for its queer characters. Its queer characters are always taken completely seriously. No one is making fun of us. They never have. That's why I have serious doubts that this is queerbaiting. It would come completely out of left field for the bullying to start in Stranger Things' final season.

So it's not at all likely to be queerbaiting because queerness is taken completely seriously. The creators have talked about Will's queerness, at least, so it's not an accident. And queer-coding would be silly to expect from this show when it's already on its final season. Like, what is Netflix gonna do? Cancel it? Not to mention all the explicit queerness that's in there already. And no one's gonna "What about the children?" a show that's had sex scenes in it since the first season.

There's no fakeout here. It's gonna happen. Breathe.

[lightgamble]

DAREDEVIL: BORN AGAIN | 1.09

A Karen Page appreciation post