#making this to hold myself accountable but also because three of these are half way done are already done and need to be edited and posted

[inklore]

★.— a lil fic wips post ༘⋆

aka what’s coming over the next few weeks!

lay back — modern au, qimir x reader x yao, they get high, they fuck nasty, that’s it that’s the plot, double pen going on, ones mean ones needy, like what more could someone want

cyber secrets — modern au, yandere!qimir, best friends to lovers with a slightly dark twist, camgirl!reader, ‘they don’t deserve to look at you so i killed them’ vibes (poss. miniseries)

regardless — modern au cause i’m on a roll with them, businessman!qimir who also might be a little dark and corrupt, exes to lovers, angst to the freaking max, tension, he literally makes his men stalk her so yandere a bit, freak nasty things happening, bad guy soft for her (possible miniseries)

is it a crime — carmy x reader x luca, messy relationships, threesomes, angst, she’s boning one of them and then the other and then both at once wow good for her, set after s3, literally reader and luca being a calm for the storm that is carmy

pretty when you cry — stepbro!patrick zweig, darkish in the sense that both him and reader are fucked up, toxic relationships all around, public smut (possible series)

[noisilyeclecticmilkshake]

Nothing but Sleep. (1)

pt. 2

“Come on Whumpee, you know we have a big day today. We’ve been planning this all week.”

Caretaker was attempting to gently pull the covers off of Whumpee, but they just groaned and death rolled into another layer of sheets. They were always like this, early to bed, late to rise. Their dreamwalk ability meant their mind was drawn to sleep, and, after one night out with Sidekick, they had found it was also extra-sensitive to not getting enough sleep, something they cursed Sidekick for when they had to go to work the next day. It also meant getting them up for breakfast required 12 workers and a bulldozer. Or, if you happened to have one on hand, Sidekick did pretty well too, so Caretaker went to get her.

“Okay, Whumpee, you have ‘till I count to three, then I’m rolling you out like a sleeping bag!” Sidekick was the very opposite of Whumpee in regards to sleep, she would party ‘till midnight and still be up to make breakfast for everyone the next morning. She also seemed to have no sympathy for Whumpee’s sleeping plight.

“One” Sidekick grabbed the edge of the blanket Whumpee was sleeping in.

“Two.” Her superstrength meant this would not be an issue. Whumpee had to know this, but maybe they thought Sidekick was bluffing.

“Three!” Sidekick was not bluffing.

Whumpee fell out of their cozy blanket burrito with a flop, but awake. “Ohh. Whyyyy? Why can you never wake me up normal?”

“Because you sleep like a dead brick, my very beloved friend.” Sidekick was beaming a smile and Caretaker just laughed, his ability to see auras meant the room was split in half with a purple discontentment and a light orange excitement. 

“I love you guys. Never change.” And Caretaker watched their auras even out a bit, each color adopting a pinkish tint, embarrassed. “Come on. It’s breakfast time, get dressed Whumpee, and don’t even think about getting back in bed. 

“UGH! Fine.” And Whumpee got up. It was a big day after all, they were going with Hero to scope out Villain’s base. 

-

“We’re going over the plan one more time.” Hero had everything planned, even managed to get a blueprint, it was spread out on the table in front of them, covered with marks and notations, a testament to the overtime hours they had put in preparing through the week.

“Whumpee?” 

Whumpee was holding the largest size energy drink they could steal out of Sidekick’s room. It was something they rarely drank on account of thoroughly enjoying sleep, but everyone had put in extra hours and it was getting to Whumpee a bit.

“I stay outside, radio for any trouble I see entering or exiting the base.” It was perfect for them, they could fight, defend themself if need be, but they didn’t have a combat-useful power like Sidekick or Hero.

“Sidekick?” 

“Break down that door! Subdue anyone in our way!” It was said with the cheerful imposition of pacifist.

“Gently.” It was more a warning than a statement, judging by Hero’s tone.

“Yes, Yes. Of course. Gently superstrength subdue anyone in our way.”

“Good, and you’re not breaking down any doors. We don’t want to give Villain a reason to go after anyone, so far we’ve stayed off his radar. Hopefully it can stay that way. I am going to portal myself, Sidekick, and Caretaker inside the building. Remember, this is a recon mission, if we see anyone, we take note, and make plans to go back, we do not engage. There aren’t enough of us to do anything other than what we plan. Understood?”

“Yes.” The team said it in unison. They had heard too many stories of too many groups destroyed trying to save people they were unprepared for, how the captive got team members caught, and, against some particularly bad villains, killed. They even heard mention of minions pretending to be hostages and prisoners, not that anyone would ever not fall for it, you just can’t assume that kind of thing. Not without a ‘what if’ for the rest of your life.

“Caretaker?” Hero’s voice was the same, even, demanding tone it always was in mission mode, but now with a tinge of grimness.

“I am going to be on the lookout for auras. Stop us from running into the Villain’s people.”

“Okay. Let’s go.”

[llondonfog]

You know how Lilia often talk about the fact that Silver grew up so fast, for him it’s like if he was a child yesterday and now he’s already a young fine man ?Well, the other day I realized how it felt when I looked at my brother’s cat, Soup.

For context, I know Soup since the day she was born and didn’t realize how fast she grew before holding her in my arms in the other day. Suddenly, I felt that she was not as small and light as she used to be not that long ago. But the shook really hit when I looked at the calendar and realized she was only 5 months old. Like, she was as small as my hand this spring, how could time flew that fast ?!

And then I realized that Soup will probably die in a couple of decade if she lives a good life, waaaaay before me. So I sat and though deeply about this feeling and in a way I understood how Lilia may feel about Silver.

Because Silver is his little kitten, his baby that he loves like his own son. And even if Silver will grow and age much faster than him, he’ll probably be his little kitten until the very end in his eyes, even if Silver is not youthful anymore.

Because like 20 years fly in the blink of an eyes for us, 80 years is nothing in the long life Lilia lived. Yet, the same way our cat will probably leave a deep memory in our lives years after they’ll quit us, Silver will certainly be remembered by Lilia until he himself die.

Of course, I already thought before that this must be quite horrible to feel, as a species that can live longer like fae, to see the ones you love pass out so quickly… But I think I didn’t expect to actually be able to grasp this feeling myself with my relationship with this cat.

Anyway, I needed to share this feeling and since I know you love Lilia and Silver relationship I thought you’d be interested.

as a first-time cat owner myself, i can't tell you how much your ask hit home with me, and makes a perfect reference point for how we interact with these characters. i know exactly how you feel— when i picked up my cat at three months old, he was the smallest, cutest little bundle of fluff, his ears accounted for half of his size! and it's so crazy to look at him curled up next to me now, in the space that could have fit three of him as a kitten. we're celebrating his third birthday in november, and it's hard to believe so much time has passed— where did it go? it feels like only yesterday i was eagerly prepping for his arrival and fussing over his every move, so worried that i wouldn't know how to care for him properly.

and the thought will strike me from time to time, just as it has with you about soup— i will outlive my cat, this sweet little creature that's given me so much joy, purpose, and delight in my life. the very notion of it doesn't seem real, and it's humbling to realize that life is so fleeting and precious, and we have to cherish the time we have with our loved ones (even if they're cats!) because time can only keep marching on.

also, as a person in my late twenties enjoying the game, lilia and silver's relationship really hits home when i consider silver's struggle to accept his own father's decline and compare that to my own parents and the inevitable fact of aging. i don't think i've ever seen a piece of media demonstrate the grief and fear of losing your family structure as well as twst has done, and it honestly floored me with how much respect and nuance that they're treating this relationship.

like you pointed out, the differences in silver and lilia's species and overall ages only underscores how treasured their relationship to each other truly is— lilia is over 700 years old and only found silver at the end of his life. silver is just on the cusp of adulthood, and lilia is all he's ever known, he's silver's entire world and the cornerstone of which he bases all else. and i think that prior to ch7, silver fully expected his father to live beyond him, and i think that was almost a comfort, in a way. to have lilia always be by his side, to never lose his most precious family member and to have the rest of his human life to give lilia the happy ending he keeps wishing for his father to know, only to now realize that those wishes can never come true. lilia will die before silver, and seemingly soon— can we even begin to grasp what that must feel like when you have no other family?

as i've mentioned, i just really appreciate how twst has been handling this development with the gravity and emotional weight that it deserves. silver will always be lilia's one and only son, and i hope that despite all that he's learning about his father's past and even his own, that lilia can remind him of that. no matter how fleeting silver's presence was in the span of lilia's long memory, it was the happiest time of his life.

in any case, thank you for this sweet ask, i really appreciate you sharing your thoughts and how it affected you when you applied it to your own daily life <3 and thank you for allowing me to ramble about my own in return <3

[confessions-official]

my past abuser who gave me PTSD had BPD. my past situationship treated me like shit, and then became besties with my past abuser (knowing what they did), had BPD. my most recent ex girlfriend who cheated on me throughout the relationship and also abused me had BPD. all of them have used their BPD as justification for their actions and refused to take accountability for what they did to me. it makes me feel like fucking screaming jesus christ.

i hate to say it but my experiences are tainting my view of ALL people who have BPD. im starting to view it as an abusive disorder that weak people use as an excuse so they dont have to face the reality of their actions and behaviors. so they dont have to face the reality that theyre actually bad people incapable of holding relationships or treating someone with half a shred of decency.

i really would not like to get flamed in the notes for this. im confessing this here because A) i know im wrong, and B) if i told this to anyone IRL they would just think im ignorant and a bad person.

i have done countless hours of research on BPD for these two people. just to understand, both retrospectively and in the moment. and i sort of understood. i understand the trauma aspect, all of the mental pain and whatnot they go through, the massive mood shifts, the mania and depressive states, etc. i have researched every aspect of the mental illness that is available on the internet.

but still, i perceive people with BPD to be selfish and uncaring. inherently abusive. i dont know if there is anything i can do to dispel this incorrect belief without just meeting and forming a healthy relationship with someone who has BPD. but that seems like an impossible challenge.

some background on myself: teenager with OCD, PTSD, and Anxiety (some others, but im just stating the three that effect me the most because i think that listing off a bunch of mental health issues in quick succession sounds tacky and is giving "your honor im neurodivergent and a minor". idk. dont cancel for me that as well. i am probably very unlikeable in this confession)

i would love to not feel this way. if anyone has any advice for me, or would like to challenge this, please dont hesitate to. i want to make it clear that i would never EVER express this to anyone with BPD. i would treat them exactly how i treat everyone else, which is what i have been doing. but i may be more wary of them or hesitant to form a close connection because i just dont want to get hurt again.

 

[triptychgrip]

Rudolph Viktor, the Red-Nosed Assed Reindeer (ficlet)

In these trying times, I’m coping by imagining Viktor Katsuki-Nikiforov putting a lewd spin on wholesome holiday songs in order to make his husband laugh/cheer him up. I hope you enjoy this ficlet (and can muster through the secondhand embarrassment). Also, I know it’s not even December…sue me. 

In case it’s not obvious, sexually suggestive content below the cut

—

Yuuri gawked at the sight of two….hooves?! parting the mistletoe-strewn curtains that had been set up in their living room. 

A familiar melody began to play from their Bluetooth speaker and he watched, stock-still on the couch as Viktor fully emerged from behind his hiding spot. Yuuri felt his mouth go slack as his husband began to prance and twirl around in front of him, wearing a very scanty, mostly fur-covered outfit. 

He wasn’t sure where to direct his attention: at the jingle-bell adorned microphone that Viktor was holding in between two hoof-like “sleeves”, the enormous antlers atop his head, the luxuriously soft-looking hotpants covering his lower half, or the three furry mounds vibrating just behind his ankles that bore great resemblance to their dogs.

Well…reindeer-dog hybrids was the more accurate descriptor.

“You know Dasher and Dancer and Makka and Vixen,” Viktor sang, prompting Yuuri’s lips to quirk as he caught on to where this ambush was going.

“Comet and Meni and Goya and Blitzen! But do you recallllll…”

His love drew out the last syllable for a good four seconds longer than necessary and then did a dramatic spin, somehow managing to deftly side-step a very excited reindeer-Makka (even with his extremely clunky-looking, fur-covered stiletto boots).

“...the most naughty reindeer of all?”

Yuuri’s breath lodged firmly in his throat. Naughty?

“Viktor the Red-Assed Reindeer, had a very reddened rear!”

While singing, Viktor gracefully made his way over to one of the room’s side tables and picked up what looked to be a paddle, printed with white, cursive lettering. Yuuri squinted to see what was on it, given how Viktor was swaying from side to side as he made his way back to the center of the room.

A frisson of excitement licked up his spine as he comprehended the words.

Santa’s Naughty Boy

‘Boy’ had been crossed out, and a taped-over piece of paper that read ‘Reindeer’ had been stuck just below it. 

“And if you ever saw it, you would probably shed a tear!” his spouse continued on, miming wiping said tear off of his cheek. “Because my ass is a damn fine work of art, if I do say so myself.” (At this point, the music had paused and Viktor had lowered his microphone, breaking the fourth wall by speaking in his regular voice.)

Yuuri burst into giggles, a soaring feeling building in his chest when he saw how his amusement had made Viktor’s heart-shaped smile emerge.

“All of the other reindeer, never questioned Santa’s role –” (here, Viktor turned to shake his head sorrowfully at Makka, Meni, and Goya, as if to convey his deep disappointment in them) “ – they never understood that getting spanked was Viktor’s goal!”

Yuuri hiccuped a loud laugh at these lyrics, which was followed by several others when his husband began to swat at his own ass with the paddle. Tears of mirth began to swim in his eyes as all three of their dogs tilted their heads in confusion.

But Viktor kept up his antics, somehow managing to simultaneously spank himself, continue to twirl, and sing (though this latter task suffered a bit, on account of how breathy his voice now was).

“Then one trying Christmas Eve…”

The music cut out, and Viktor broke the fourth wall for a second time.

“...after a particularly long day of winding Santa up and, frankly, pissing off all of the elves –”

Yuuri was now laughing so hard he was finding it hard to breathe.

…

Success! Viktor delightedly thought to himself, as he watched tears drip down Yuuri’s cheeks.

After winning the Grand Prix Final the last two years in a row, he knew that his husband had been disappointed in himself for his bronze medal finish last week. Though he’d tried his best to console him, nothing seemed to be able to penetrate Yuuri’s glumness.

Until now.

He puffed his chest out and put a hand on his hip, wanting to give his all to his imitation of the inimitable Mr. Claus.

“Saint Nick came to say: Viktor with your ass so tight, won’t you ride my sleigh tonight?”

Yuuri’s eyes widened and then he was clapping a hand over his mouth, presumably to stifle his laughter. Viktor was pretty proud of this rework of the lyrics; sure, it might have made more logical sense to go with the whole “ass so bright” on account of the whole spanking motif, but he was the master of surprising the audience. And his love certainly seemed surprised. 

Besides, this “riding Santa’s sleigh” version played into the very filthy conclusion far too well.

“None of the other reindeer got to crack this dirty code, since they had to handle Christmas…while Viktor took a festive load!”

For the final time, the music cut out and Viktor allowed his “caveat” to tumble out in a rush.

“And when I say ‘Viktor took a festive load’, I’m not talking about him delivering presents,” he wryly noted, wondering if Yuuri would be able to properly acknowledge this genius wordplay, on account of how he seemed to be fighting for breath. “I mean that he got spanked and stuffed like a stocking, and several good children all over the world never received their presents that year, on account of his and Santa’s horniness.”

The closing instrumental music came back on, and as the song wound down, Viktor tried to catch his breath, feeling a bit winded. He wasn’t the only one; Yuuri was hiding his beet-red face in the crook of his elbow. 

Around several deep inhales, he began to giggle when Makka, Meni, and Goya scurried towards the couch, the latter two poodles leaping onto it with such fervor that their antler “headbands” fell off. 

“What did you think, Santa? Did you like the song?” Viktor crowed, making his way over as well.

As soon as his spouse was in reach, he glomped onto him, practically collapsing into his lap. Yuuri stilled all of a sudden, reciprocating his hold rather slowly and turning his teary-eyed gaze upon him.

“Santa?! I’m Santa in this scenario?!” he burst out, looking like he was about to dissolve right back into a giggle fit.

Viktor gasped in mock-outrage and shoved his microphone in Yuuri’s face, jingling the attached bells obnoxiously.

“How could you even ask me that, my Yuuri?! As if I could ever be interested in riding another man’s sleigh!”

With this definitive declaration, he slumped over completely onto the living room rug, and it wasn’t even a second later that Makka began to sniff at his antlers with great interest.

“You have wounded me! I don’t think I’ll ever recover!” he crowed.

Yuuri let out a cackle and then hunched over, peering at him from upside down. “My mistake, Vitya. Santa threw back one too many glasses of eggnog. Let me make it up to you?”

He lifted his foot and began to wiggle it, enticingly, and Viktor sat up so fast that he almost toppled over on account of his antlers.

[yellowcry]

I'm just like you, you're just like me

Chapter two of chaos and playpretend. Idea by @miracles-and-butterflies

The first problem started in the morning 

"Isa? Are you okay? Do you feel well?" Luisa jumped a little at her cousin's voice. How did Dolores know that something was off immediately? She didn't overhear them speaking, did she?

Luisa's (or Isabela's) eye twitched. "No, why would you think so?"

Dolores frowned, tilting her head like a cat that spotted something interesting. "You drink black coffee."

Luisa winced. Of course, Isabela hated black coffee, she had always complained of how bitter it was without milk and sugar. Pepa teased her for it sometimes. Meanwhile, Luisa was a huge coffee fan and didn't admit this dark drink as something that deserved to exist if there were any additives. And she also drank a lot of coffee, there was no way anybody could compete with her in this account. Except for Tía Pepa, maybe. But Luisa was better anyway.

After a moment of thinking, Luisa decided that she liked coffee more than she wanted to win this game Isabela had started. 

"Just... Decided to challenge myself!" She laughed, feeling her nerves trembling. 

In the meantime, everyone was getting to breakfast too. Luisa noticed how Mirabel praised her... Or Isabela if you say how it was, for refusing from coffee. Dolores muttered in exhaustion, shaking her head.

Luisa had almost planned to scoff all the food in a few seconds before she remembered about their competition with Isabela. She was always eating really fast. It, most likely, was caused by the extremely busy schedule she had for years. Even after she learned that she didn't have to carry everything, the habit stayed. And Luisa was eating at an abnormal speed. But it seemed that today she would have to get things slowly. 

Luisa smirked, catching her eyes with Isabela's. The older sister hadn't quite realized that she was taking too much time for food. At least if we talking about Luisa.

The day would be strange. She still hadn't grasped how Isa's gift was supposed to function. It was different from what Luisa was used to. She didn't really have to use her strength. It was always present, the only thing she needed was to know how much pressure she had to apply to hold objects. 

According to a cracking sound, Isabela wasn't doing much better. Now everyone was staring at the broken fork.

"Sweety, are you okay?" Mama got off her seat to check on Isabela. "Are you sick?" Well, it was probably the most expected thing from her point of view. When Luisa caught illness, she always struggled with the amount of pressure she had to apply. Causing her to either break things or make them fall out of her hands.

But, to Luisa's huge jealousy, Isabela was the only one between the three who was a decent liar. Luisa knew that she was usually betrayed by her eye twitching or other nervous reactions. 

The day was about to be really interesting

***

Even after all this thing with rebuilding Casita and accepting that they don't have to force themselves into work, Luisa was still a hard worker. Maybe it was a habit, maybe it's just Luisa, Isabela didn't know. 

Working in Luisa's place was strange. Even if Isabela was doing her fair share of physical work at the rebuilding, she didn't have Luisa's gift back at that time. And now it was a whole lot of possibilities. Even after branching into construction, Luisa was pretty much of a handyman, taking her parts on really different occasions. Considering that Isabela still wasn't used to magical strength, it was a lot of problems. Because Isabela kept destroying the half of things she touched. She briefly remembered that Luisa was the same at first after getting her gift, but nowadays it was an extremely rare situation if Luisa overused her strength. 

So, after half of hour, Isabela abandoned any idea of being a normal help. Luisa had probably done enough work for all these years already, so it wouldn't be too bad.

Just in time, Mirabel almost bumped into her. Isabela winced, jumping back from her sister.

The younger girl breathed out. "Oh, Luisa, here you are. What are you doing?"

Isabela couldn't help but giggle a little. It was sweet, and she somehow started to get why Luisa favored their hermanita so much. "I'll go on a walk. You know, taking breaks and stuff, right?"

Mirabel blinked in surprise, her eyes widened from behind the glasses. "You do?" She was startled, observing Isabela. 

_ Mirabel examined Luisa. Her, taking a break and going away from the work was strange. Even if Luisa stopped overworking herself, her newfound passion for construction and building made her really interested in work. And even during her breaks, she often stayed near the other builders, looking at their work in awe, making suggestions from time to time. 

Luisa didn't drink coffee in the morning either. And as much as Mirabel was happy about the fact that her sister resisted her unhealthy caffeine habit, it wasn't normal. Something must be off.

***

Growing plants was freakingly strange. Luisa still hadn't really grasped the fact of how they were supposed to work. She just imagined things and then they... appeared. Moving them, however, was a whole different level. It was like using puppet stings to control the greenery around. 

"Señorita, would you mind a little help?" 

Luisa put on a smile, probably a bit strange, she wasn't used to smiling for politeness in a chat. But she hoped that it would slide as Isa now lived way in a style that was way more free. "Sí, is there anything I can help you with?"

Young woman, Señora Salazar nodded. "Can you, please create that plant you made for mi mama last month? She really liked it and wanted to have more."

Luisa winced, biting her lip from nerves. She had no idea of what exactly Isabela had made for her. Asking for a species most like wouldn't help, as she wasn't the same botany nerd as her sister. "Oh... Of course..." She chuckled awkwardly. "I'll get to it later."

For now, she had to fetch Isabela to ask what she was supposed to do. Luisa wasn't much nerd of greenery and wild nature, her interests, even those that weren't related to physical work, lay in a sphere that was different from the beginning to the very end.

***

Getting into Casita, Isabela saw Luisa, who was reeling on the vines at a crazy speed. She intercepted the grapes from one hand to another, moving like she was climbing a ladder.

A moment when Luisa noticed Isabela, she stopped, breaking her entire rhythm, the plant slipped out of her hands.

"Geez..." She muttered, lying flat on the ground. "It's not nice."

"You're fine." Isabela laughed, nudging her slightly. 

Luisa winced, rubbing her shoulder. "A bit too hard." She stated, obviously meaning Isabela's abnormally strong gesture. Mirabel peeked from behind Isabela's side in worry. Luisa quickly jumped back on her feet, brushing off the dust from her dress. "Yeah, sorry, Casita." She added as the house scoffed by clicking its floor tile in a disapproving manner.  

 "Isa, are you hurt?" Mirabel rushed to Luisa's side, checking on her. "Seriously, you have to stop. Or at least secure yourself better."

Luisa smiled at this little moralizing, and brushed her sister's shoulders for a second before Mirabel startled and stepped back in confusion. Isabela held back her laugh, Luisa had no acting skills whatsoever. But observing her awkward attempts to understand why Mirabel was so shocked at the usual gesture was hilarious.

[flowersonpebbles]

Monday Week 3: Travels 14. Sea

@elfroot-and-laurels

I stare ahead of myself numbly, hugging a bag to my chest. Gripping the jade in my hand tightly. Meredith is dead. We’ve been given time to pack our things and leave by the Templars. Cullen even said most of my friends would not be held accountable... But the mages had to leave. All of us.  Anders and Merril are bickering again in the background. I hear Aveline intervene calmly, almost sadly. I smile wryly, blinking back tears… Fenris and Isabella will be staying, won’t they? Carver has to go back to the Wardens- I shudder as a tender hand trails up my neck, Isa giggling softly, “Hey, pretty. You got everything…? It’s gonna be a long trip! I packed everything!” she cheers, nodding to a bunch of bags.

“Indeed. But we must hurry. I do not know how long until they decide to resume their hunt.” Fenris urges, starting to carry her luggage aboard, along with a small bag of his own and taking mine gently from me, putting it with Isa’s. I blink slowly as I stare at the two, baffled. “Go on, we have said our goodbyes. Its your turn.” Fenris encourages gently. Anders and Merril boarding the ship solemnly. Varric and Aveline smile sadly at me.

“We’ll see you again, Hawke! Don’t look at us like that. Besides, we can write to each other.” Varric hums, sniffing as he brushes his nose with his sleeve. Handing me a heavy pouch of gold coins. “I suck at goodbyes. We’ll be great pen pals. Go on, otherwise lil Hawke’s gon suffocate in the under deck.” He chuckles, turning and waving over his shoulder, walking off slowly. I smile fondly before looking to Aveline…

I bite my trembling bottom lip, hugging her tightly with a broken sob. She hugs me tightly. “I know… but you’ll visit, right? I’d sneak you in, no worries.” She ushers softly. I laugh wetly, squeezing her tightly and she squeezes in turn. “Take care of yourself.” She encourages, slowly pulling back. I blink slowly as I rub at my eyes… frowning in confusion. Only now processing what Varric said… Aveline winks. Gamlen stepping up slowly.

“Don’t die. Please…” he murmurs softly and we hug each other gently. I nod stiffly… slowly getting on the ship, Fenris holding my hand as Isabella starts hollering orders at the crew. Oh… I smile, waving everyone goodbye as the ship departs…

I swallow down vomit, having forgotten how sea sick I was on the way to Kirkwall the first time. Fenris rubbing my back gently. Carver already vomiting over the side of the ship. Isabella laughs out, “I’ll make you all kelpies yet!” she cheers. Merril goes over to Carver, offering him a root. I smile sadly… a doomed love. Yet… here we all are. Anders stares up ahead at the ocean. Isabella kisses my temple, then Fenris’ cheek. We’re together for now…

Carver only got to come with us because we were his means to get to where they wanted him. So… we were parting ways again. Before we did, I broke the jade in half, giving him one half. Told him to keep it close at all times. Merril saw city elves also struggling and also wanted to stay back. So, it was Anders, myself and my soulmates.

Eventually Anders and I nearly got caught… Fenris wished to hunt slavers in the area, so… I broke my jade once more, in three. I gave him and Isabella the bigger two pieces. Before Anders and I also departed from Isa… it was hard… but…

[quick-catton]

Hi quick-catton!! First of all I love your page and I love your personality💕💕💕 I also LOVE Saturn and Felix and Oliver just-😫😫😫 I love it every time you post, it makes my day!! Right now I just really need your help. Today I had to go on another account just to send something to my ask box because since I started my account last year, I’ve gotten nothing and it really hurts.

I love how open and freaky you are in your posts and I’m honestly the same way with Saltburn and an anime fandom that I’ve shaped my blog around. I used to be a little calm and collected but you’re inspiring to just let go and let my freak flag fly but the problem is, with my fandom, I don’t think people are going to be very inviting. Like literally the only thing I wanna do right now is babygirl code my favorite anime character sooo badly but I’m afraid I’ll lose all my followers and when I try to I get no engagement.

Like I wrote three freaking paragraphs about how good he’d look with a navel piercing! That was this morning and I got nothing all day but four likes. No reblogs, no comments, I literally had to make another account and send myself some praise for that post just so I could post it to show people that at least someone else agrees with me.

And I know I should give it time but that’s the problem. Some of my other posts like that don’t grow. They just get five likes and that’s it and it sucks because all I wanna do is engage with people that want to see this boy in lingerie or a skirt or goddamn pregnant (told you I was a freak)

I just don’t know what to do. How do you deal that? I’m honestly this close to deleting my account coz it seems like I’m posting to a blank wall and it’s so embarrassing coz everyone can see it. Sorry this is so long! Thank you for quickcatton 💕💕

WAH ANON ur so sweet omg, thank you?? <33 honestly i feel like i don't have good advice because i only made a tumblr for the first time EVER at the beginning of january!!! i am 23 and had never set foot on this app, but i saw that most of the saltburn fandom was here, so i gave it a shot and i've just been learning as i go.

i think that's half of my 'luck' with having a good experience on this app, is that because this fandom is so fresh, it's super active, but it's also a very small fandom (relative to some others) so we're all kinda like a hivemind here LOL, and because of the source material of the movie itself being weird/freaky/psychosexual, we all know that anything goes and the more freaky the brainrot, the better! i'm in other fandoms where if i said half of the shit i say here, i'd be ostracized, so it's really a case by case basis unfortunately </3

ik i yap a lot here but i also hold back sooo much because even tho ik we're all weirdos here, i still get nervous about putting out my writing or not having people vibe with an idea– you're not alone in that, i promise. it helps forming friendships in your fandoms so you know that there'll always be people who you can get hype over ideas with, but i know that's easier said than done sometimes <3

i don't have advice on engagement because i honestly don't look at that stuff (which i know is so annoying to say lol but it's true); i made this account purely to have a place to dump brainrot/art etc and view other people's saltburn content and i didn't care about engagement, i just got lucky to meet some cool people and make close friends through it.

i think if people can tell you're having fun through your posts, they'll vibe with you! it does take time with the good ol' algorithm, i'm sure, but as long as your page brings YOU joy, that's what matters most. people don't have to agree with your takes, life is too short to be vanilla and water urself down for others :^) making fandom friends and gaining interactions will come along with being yourself, but if posting here and running the account feels more stressful to you than it is fun, it's okay to step away too!

if you're on ao3 and sites like that, leaving comments on your fave works can be a great way to get conversations going as well. i met my closest friend on here bc she stumbled across my fic on ao3 and then sent me a message; it was purely up to chance, but branching out and being brave starting conversations with your fave accounts can be a great way to feel more included in the fandoms you're in and maybe you'll meet cool people along the way!! <33

[ikatako38]

Hey all, I have some good news and some bad news.

The bad news

is that TPWCH is going on an emergency (unplanned) hiatus. This means I won’t be making any effort to work on the fic or any related work such as art and side projects, whicle I try to get myself back on my feet. This means we might miss the 2nd Anniversary Special, but I will post it eventually even if it’s late. I’m really excited to share it with you! I don’t know how long this emergency hiatus is going to be, but I think somewhere around a month would be a reasonable estimate. Keep in mind that this is when I’ll start working on things again, so it might be a few more weeks after that before you start seeing content again.

The good news

is that I’m going to be emptying out all my WIPs, notes, and any other content I can easily throw at you guys to help hold you over throughout the break! So anyone following me here should be getting a bunch of exclusive content over the next several weeks.

Also,

since everything’s getting pushed back, I think now would be a good a time as any to start Ship Wars! I’m not going to put an exact start date on it yet, because it will take a bit of work to kickstart, and I don’t know when I’ll get around to that, but once I do get it started it should mostly run itself!

So…

I feel like I’ve been saying this a lot lately, but thank you guys so much for sticking around with me through all of this. I’m painfully aware that I’ve only uploaded one and a half official chapters since April, and I know that I’ve lost a lot of readers because of that. So again, thank you so much for staying. It really means the world to me.

I’m sure the question a lot of you probably have on your mind right now is, Is Tako ever actually going to finish TPWCH? And with how things have been going lately, that’s a very valid question. To be 100% honest with how I’m feeling another the fic right now, I kind of wish it could just be done already. Or that it could just somehow write itself. But the reason for that is that I’m so excited to share with you all other parts of the TPWCH universe that are just waiting to be written! I really don’t see myself dropping the TPWCH universe anytime soon, and I really don’t see myself dropping TPWCH itself anytime soon, either. And an important reason for that is simply that… I don’t have any other ideas to write. Even for other fandoms. It’s a bit crazy just how strong of a hold TPWCH has had on me for three years now.

By the way, that’s not normal for me. Back on my FFN and Wattpad days (don’t bother going to look for my accounts, they don’t exist… yet 👀), I was usually working on 3-5 fics at once and was constantly having ideas for new ones, to where it was a struggle to keep up and I to make hard decisions about priority. I don’t know if I’ve gotten less creative with ideas as I’ve gotten older or whether TPWCH is just the first universe to be so interesting to me that I don’t have any need or desire to come up with new things outside of it.

Either way, if I have no desire to work on other things, the only way TPWCH would ever stop is if I stopped writing altogether, and that’s just not going to happen. Writing has been a huge part of my life since I was ten, and maybe even younger. It’s my most important hobby and makes me happy. If I don’t do it for too long, it’ll actually make my mental state worse.

So I really don’t want you guys to think that this is like a vacation for me, or some sort of respite from the… AWFUL chore of writing. (　ﾟдﾟ) Really it’s more like I’m grounded from writing until I can get my grades up. (;_;) The grades in this case, yes being my university grades but also my life in general because it’s been kind of a mess lately. Within the last two weeks, I fell out with two of the closest people I’ve ever been to and pretty much the only irl friends I have at this point (the Discord server will know who these people are). One of them going very badly and increasing my conviction that everyone secretly hates me. （╹◡╹）On top of that my room is slowly becoming uninhabitable, I’m not sleeping, and I’m just constantly stressed and anxious. But I’m gonna be okay. The fallings-out are very fresh and will fade with time, and just two days ago I finally got a consultation for ADHD. I now have initial diagnoses of ADHD and Social Anxiety Disorder, which I should be starting treatment for in about a month, so I’m really hoping that will help me somewhat to get back on track. And all the support from everyone between Discord, here and AO3 has always helped, and I’m sure it will continue to help. Many of the people I’ve met online through the fic have ironically been far more supportive and trustworthy than the people I’ve met irl. You’re all so real for that ╰(*´︶`*)╯♡

Wow, that got really long! Thank for reading this far!

[blueberry-lemon]

regarding Cozy Games

For the past year or two I keep wanting to post my take on "cozy games" but then I stop myself because I'm trying to be a good boy and not generate discourse.

But I figured I'd just get my thoughts out into a blog post just to have something to put out there, and maybe if I change my mind someday I can look back on this post and see where I agree or disagree.

I'm inspired to write this after reading this thoughtful piece by MOKKA, although it's less of a response to that post specifically and more of a response to a variety of different posts I've seen over the past 2 years on the topic. Go follow MOKKA because they're a great writer and artist, and they make cool games!

When I read people's thoughts on "cozy games" there are two thoughts that I kind of hold equally in my mind.

Thought 1: "Cozy Games" seem to keep, understandably, annoying people

There's been a lot of ink spilled from various writers about the politics of "cozy games." The fact that we're now calling them "cozy games" is proof in itself that the terminology has changed due to pushback. The Wholesome Games twitter account was one of the first brands/communities to put a label on this nebulous concept, and they called them "wholesome." Then, there was a lot of justified criticism about the term "wholesome." Now, although that particular brand hasn't changed the name of their LLC or whatever [which is understandable], I've seen most people shift over to calling them "cozy" so that there's less of a moral judgment in the name.

(From what I understand, in Japanese these are called something akin to "healing games.")

So things kind of got off on the wrong foot from the very start, at least in the English-speaking world, because of one Twitter user's poor choice of branding. For what it's worth, I dislike the term "wholesome games" for the same reasons everyone else seems to. It focuses on a moral judgment rather than the feelings the work is trying to evoke.

There's another point of irritation, which is the arguments "for" making cozy games. For example, there is this academic-style report that MOKKA responded to in their piece linked above that goes to great lengths to propose what "cozy" is and why developers should make cozy games. Personally, I think this report is kind of buckwild. The first half is kind of interesting, especially in its attempts to try to define the nebulous term. The second half, and specifically the conclusion, puts its foot in its mouth by making bold claims of cozy games being "anticapitalist" and some sort of moral good.

I think that concluding argument is very silly. Personally, I would not have put my name on a report like this.

But also, in fairness, this report was written in 2017. I have no way of knowing if the writers who worked on this feel the same way as they did six years ago. I feel like we've all done a lot of growing and changing in the past six years. The world has changed, and specifically the gaming landscape has changed in the avalanche of the "cozy game" market.

I also think the pro-cozy-game arguments can be irritating to people because they're already self-justified in a business sense. Stardew Valley and Animal Crossing New Horizons are two of the most successful games of the past decade by sales numbers and everyone knows that. It has had a very obvious cause-and-effect, where publishers and developers are making "cozy games" because there is an audience for them.

Are they doing it out of greed? Are they doing it out of sound business-sense? Are they doing it out of genuine interest for making these games?

I'd assume probably the latter, but maybe it's a mix of all three.

I think the biggest source of justified skepticism about cozy games is because they seem to represent, or use signifiers of, things that bother people in real life. Signifiers of "middle class" and "upper class" living. A reliance on what those concepts mean in the white/western world. An emphasis on gaining capital. An emphasis on owning property. An emphasis on maintaining control over that capital and property. An embrace of aesthetics and vibes that some people might consider "twee" or "cringe" or "childish", such as cute animals, coffee, stickers, scarves, blankets, and autumn leaves.

People have very strong feelings about these things in real life, and for good reason. In real life, there have been a lot of really alienating and damaging policies carried out in the name of protecting capital, property, comfort, and coziness. It has hurt a lot of people. I think most of us, at least if you're reading this, are trying to undo these barriers in real life.

Lastly, I understand how seeing tiktokers and youtubers who love this game genre sort of "acting out" the fantasy via blankets, coffee, quilts, playing in bed, playing by the fireplace, etc. can be very annoying or distasteful for certain people. Especially if it seems like a means to gain more followers and clout.

All of that said, the other thought I hold in my mind is...

Thought 2: I don't see how this is different from any other mainstream game genre

I honestly don't.

This doesn't feel significantly different to me than sci-fi shooters, fantasy hack-and-slashers, lavish sports/racing games, etc.

A lot of games that have big mainstream appeal are escapist "numbers-go-up" power fantasies that reveal some of our most embarrassing and problematic tendencies.

Diablo, Doom, Grand Theft Auto, Pokemon, basically all MMOs, Madden NFL, Spider-Man. I feel like they all operate on "turn your brain off" appeal that uses particular aesthetics and vibes to give you a power fantasy. They reflect selfish desires and reward certain behaviors. They valorize power and dominance over the game world. They idealize particular types of people. They alienate and exclude huge swathes of people.

In many "cozy games", the power fantasy involves being able to dress-up your avatar, decorate your home, cultivate a garden, be self-employed, etc.

It's a power fantasy because doing those things in real life can be tiring, difficult, and expensive. So it's fun to do them in a fictional space.

I don't really see how anyone's interest in playing in these spaces and engaging in these power fantasies is any different from doing the same thing in a game like GTA or Diablo. Yes, all art is political. And all games are worth criticizing. But people can also enjoy things for their own fictional game-iness without wanting to enact those forces in real life. If anything I feel like that is the default relationship between a player and a game they like. We all understand this when we play a first-person shooter.

Enjoying Animal Crossing isn't a reflection of anyone's real-world opinions on zoning or market. Enjoying Fashion Dreamer isn't a reflection of anyone's real-world opinions on the fashion industry, etc.

Much in the same way that you can enjoy violent video games but not support violence in real life.

Even the over-the-top way that "cozy influencers" dress up and act out the vibe of the genre I think is not much different from how people embrace the vibes of other genres. People dress up silly and say cringe stuff a lot, as a way of putting on a persona and playing in the genre space. People cosplay in tactical gear and wear horned helmets and faux-fur. And when that type of persona intersects with social media I think it always gets a little dicey, whether it's suburban coziness or fantasy adventure, because the chase for "more followers" is off-putting to watch.

People flock to cozy games because they're games that appeal to them. And developers flock to them because there's evidently an audience for it.

Most people I know who enjoy cozy games (both IRL and online) are happy to have them because they like them and want more games like that. They are often women or gender-nonconforming, and sometimes have no interest in games that focus entirely on combat.

While the recent avalanche of "cozy games" that have flooded the market between 2016 and now probably seems overwhelming and eyeroll-worthy if you're knee-deep in the games industry, to the average person they are still greatly outnumbered by the action-oriented and combat-oriented games that make up a majority of big releases.

I do think a lot of these games are flawed. Sometimes they feel flawed in their game design, or sometimes they feel flawed in their politics. What exactly is their narrative or aesthetic "saying" about the world? These are things worth criticizing.

Again, I sadly feel like most games with mainstream appeal suffer from these design and political flaws. And it's important for us to always be talking about them, especially as developers.

But...I am always rooting for developers to explore this space more. I think the games are fun to play, I like to see new waves of people enjoying games, and I like seeing developers try out new ideas. I think it can be a win-win-win.

I hope that with more exploration and experimentation, this "genre" (although it's really more of a "vibe", right?) can find all the different interesting ideas and executions that we've allowed shooters and hack-and-slashers to find over the decades. I would love for them to evolve past what they are right now, becoming more thoughtful and inclusive, and I think with enough time and consideration they'll get there.

[frostedturquoise]

Accidental tangents and potential oversharing aside (because its literally at the point where i feel more comfortable 90% of the time bitching into the void of whatever space because zero feed back THERE feel a lot less 'ugh figures don't know what i was expecting honestly'. I say it like its a BAD thing. But even if i respond three days later to my long term IRL buddies BS its still more considerate than any of them have been for me in the past twenty years 95% of the time no matter how minor or major it was.)

I have come to the unfortunate conclusion that i have done the fandom equivalent of stubbing my toe on some sharp edged hard surface. That also said, i managed to dodge like most of whatever the fuck went on in Dragon Ball Super up until i bit the bullet and watched it with friends a few years back...And still gt the gist of some things and having se info i found in passing be ACTUALLY correct.

And have come to the unfortunate conclusion that despite the 'fandom stubbing toe' situation could of having happened anywhere between like 2010 and NOW and like...

Man, man. It feels like both DB and Fate are in ways both INCREDIBLY misread in ways because man, so long, twelve people who talked about IRL in IRL and DnD Time(tm) for like five years and there was like...if you exclude names and a few personality traits and an simple X or Y happened, it was literally a net zero information experience. And i still have no idea what the fuck i said during that time to fool them into thinking i knew what they were on about solely because i -someone who barely even knew what they were on about- had simply managed to connect two dots based on whatever they were yammering on about. (i have no idea how i went all that time without finding out two guys were same Guy But Different(tm) yet here we are!)

And after poking around a bit? Yeah man, i feel my joke of 'man it feels like many Fate fans cant read any better that the stereotypical Dragon Ball one' and man i hate that it seems to check out at least half the time.

....on the topic of 'didnt know two guys were the same guy' i...i dont think that would of been an thing the way it was if the playable character was meant to be a player proxy dude. So just--- just catch me twelve years late hacking up a lung about my cousin going on a five minute rant about Shirou being a Mary Sue. Buddy, my guy...you had a very weird idea of what a mary sue was if you thought that. ...or alternatively he was just pissy because he didn't know what to make of they guy so he made fun of him in the best way he knew how.

But anyway i think my attempt to hold a proper conversation with my brother ex girlfriend over something, i wound up shooting myself in the foot because my cousin and his friends fall into the 'man I was the dragon ball fan here and YOU LOT were the ones who acted and talked like you barely even watched the thing. Like you took in not the show itself but some watered down naturopathy equivalent of the show' and...i dunno man, i feel that's bad because there is a 99% chance i committed a minimum of three accounts of 'surprisingly on point character analysis' of a show i didn't even watch based on bare minimum context and that's idk man. That's sad. And it caused me to think about the thing to the point i had the time to accidentally shoot myself in the foot over a fandom.

[theonlynailah]

6888- Black Woman in Leadership

Today is one of those days. I just need to vent. Had some interesting meetings with leadership, and now I’m a ball of emotions. I feel like I’m in an awkward space, but I’m trying to take my friend Travis’s advice: journal for 6-8 minutes, then let it go. So here it is.

💼 Work Feelings: Right now, it feels like I’m paying for the mistakes of my previous director. They left things in chaos, and now everything is falling on my shoulders. I get it—the work must go on—but because things weren’t handled properly before, it probably seems like I’m coming in too hot. There’s that old saying: As a Black person, you have to be three times as good to get half the respect. That’s exactly how I feel right now. I’m doing my best to keep emotions out of it, but it’s hard. I won’t lie—there’s a part of me that wants to call my old director and go off, but I don’t want to be the intro on somebody’s diss track.

👥 Friendships & Work Drama: Lately, some coworkers have made work… less fun. I never thought I’d be in a place where work drama felt like too much, but here I am. I’ve mended things with some people, but there’s still one lingering conversation I’m dreading. I’m supposed to go to book club tomorrow, but I’m not sure I even want to. Everyone wants to be my friend, but honestly? I need that boundary between work me and personal me.

🤍 Yearning for a Safe Space: I think I’ve been searching for a safe space my whole life. I thought I had it before, but I was wrong, and I’ve been struggling with that realization. I crave deep, platonic connections, but I also hold myself accountable in ways that make those relationships hard to find. If I’m being real, I think I’m waiting for the day I meet my husband because I believe that will be my safe space. I even sent my friend Travis a message today because I was on the verge of tears.

🖤 Final Thoughts: Honestly? I feel lighter just writing this. I appreciate this space. I know most people won’t read this, but even if one person does, I hope it resonates. There’s been so much on my shoulders, and just getting it out helps.

[kidmachinate]

Count The Losses

Credit above to By Lainey Molnar:

https://www.facebook.com/share/GqwjUgp5nBeqH6sn/?mibextid=qi2Omg

***************************************************

Since mid last year, it's been a constant struggle and survival has become a lifestyle more so than ever. There have been some bright spots along the way but the everlasting need to make things work is truly taking its toll on my mental state of being. Since mid last year, all of the following has taken place:

- kicked out an ex-roommate that quickly showed they never truly appreciated where they at to begin with due to their refusal to do basic tasks and hold a job for very long

- helped financially during a job rut my partner was going through

- got unwillingly terminated from a job after a few months due to a shift in roles and management around the time of my birthday last year

- left one other role due to lack of pay/commissions to pay the bills and toxic micromanagement

- got in with a startup company for the owner to then leave everyone without a job three months later due to their shitty management of money which screwed over not one but two companies worth of people due to his negligence

- Just before finding yet another role, helped with another job rut my partner was going through

- Lined up yet another role in which I start Monday, because the last one mentioned ending up not being a good fit among other details I won't get into until all is said and done. I left on good terms but we will have to wait and see if that truly ends up being the case.

Among everything here, I've had to dig into the entirety of my crypto stash which I believe was somewhere between 9k-11k worth of earnings at the time. The small positions I still have now are crumbs not worth mentioning. I did this bit by bit to be what I'd say would be 80% responsible, 20% pleasure. In between in all, at various points, I convinced myself life would get better. I still have to do that. I wanted to be sure we could live a little amongst all the chaos. I suppose this is the getting it all out post I had mentioned to some a while back. Taking note of the losses to be able to move forward. When tallying losses, it's important to remember the victories as well.

- The first half of South Florida Fair

-Nier Automata Concert

- Two visits from my partner's daughter, Ashley

- Varied friend gatherings and nights out

I have about four days to recharge before it is right back to the workforce and I'm beside myself. I know I did the right thing for my mental health but in the process of doing this, mental health takes a hit anyway because of needing to make ends meet. Bouncing between four jobs myself and surviving through my partner's two job ruts (months at a time) to support the household...maybe I should be happy I'm still here. Happy I have any savings or investments left to speak of, even if far from what is considered a safe nestegg for one and for the other an account I haven't been able to grow for a long time. There are also losses that date back to COVID times (that I did not list) in which many of us took a hit. I'm sure I'm not the only one in which we still haven't fully recovered, and things like inflation and turbulent job markets seem to be the new norm. It's fucking exhausting out there.

Intimacy means many different things nowadays and posts are being made about it. Simply speaking, if it makes you happy, chase that. I imagine many are tired of being resilient in their own lives. Survival. Working for people that very likely don't appreciate you to pay the bills and maybe cram in time with people that do appreciate you. Connection matters so much more now than ever. If you don't have that going for you through various outlets, what are we even doing here?

I'm trying to get myself back in a state in which connections I have are enhanced or even embracing new connections with those who treat people as human with real feelings and real needs. Understand that it is not just our individual struggles but struggles together, and we can bounce back and get through this. Have the hard conversations to be able to enjoy a good life. Have less time for, or ditch entirely, those not willing to grow. Stagnancy sucks because at various points you're gonna be stuck with some form of it. You're embracing the grind and not much changes as it takes time to grow. Celebrate that growth. Smile and laugh more. Know your tribe.

I think the world would go a long way if we can be grounded in realism instead of pessimism or optimism. Too far in either direction is bad. No one wants to be around a downer all the time just as much as someone doesn't want to be around a person that in all sunshine and rainbows to the point where you pretend life is perfect and will be at all times.

I'm not the only one on this journey. Far from it. While I'm craving growth and creative outlets because it builds upon your lifestyle, which eventually translates to a happy home. What feels like crushing weight isn't all bad and the proof is there. Gotta set things back on course. Amber (my partner) is a part of that course, and anything I do creatively, people are bound to know about her as well.

Not much is more important than smiles on faces and acceptance. Safe spaces. Top tier values for me. Gotta keep it coming. We've tallied the losses, it's time to make a comparable list of wins.

[friedesgreatscythe]

ARR speedruns are getting me through late winter into early spring, as well as allowing me a chance to come up with different characters to give AU Eorzea adventures. I've perfected it from about 10 days in February, to three days in the Eren Jaeger run last month, to possibly 20 hours total in my current Twilight Princess!Zelda run. I'm taking a break now because I'm holding myself accountable to productive decisions lol But considering the rate I've been going I'm almost posi I can manage at most a 24 hour run time.

I've perfected little ways to make it go by as quick as possible: start on Dynamis (NA data center that gives a massive exp boost) and always have food handy for another bit of EXP boost (if an FC invites you and has an EXP boost as well, all the better, but you don't have to rely on this); use NPCs in dungeons and pull big mobs if you're DPS or healer (the tank is beefy and the healer can keep up with him, but i haven't tested out the combo of you tanking + NPC healer yet); sign up with every chocobokeep at aetherytes so you can pass between settlements without spending much gil; use the airship service liberally to also save gil; if you go archer/bard, always use peleton to make sprinting faster; skip cutscenes (which i only condone here bc i've played the game before) and make the language Japanese and the text 9+ speed for the ones you can't skip. For the grand companies, the Immortal Flames or Twin Adders are the better choices since their headquarters are so close to major aetherytes (and will load in faster as opposed to Limsa, where everyone is all the damn time).

Using all this, I started the conjurer/white mage Zelda cosplay run yesterday at 12:30PM and got her to level 50 and unlocked Brayflox by 2AM. I did have to take a break for dinner, so that added about a half hour to the run time, and I did do two side dungeons for another boost of EXP, so that added to the time as well. I don't have gear good enough to solo dungeons at this point, but I can turn in the silver chocobo feathers I have to get some relic gear to help with iLvl and stat increase.

You may be asking yourself, "Krist, why are you doing all this?" And the answer is simply: so Twilight Princess!Zelda can get the Torgal mount and fit my own personal satisfaction of having a lore appropriate mount from her game lmao Also to keep seeing how fast I can get through ARR at this point.

The FFXVI crossover event lasts til May goddamn 8th. I have over a month to do it, but I have an awful sense of FOMO and an insatiable need to put pressure on myself to succeed, so this is how I've tried to come to terms with that. Even though I'm never satisfied with what I do. Even with all these accomplishments, I went to bed last night thinking, "What a waste of time, you're such a loser." And hey, that could be true, but as long as I'm applying myself to things that will actually help me in real life, I don't see the problem.

Which is why I'm spending the day typing up my rewrites draft notebook so I have that to work on in the oncoming draft.

Accountability. Productivity. Accomplishments. I'm capable of all of these, and now I just need to make sure I keep doing them, and that I include myself in these efforts. Looking after my mom and now my stepdad after his sciatica flare up has made me more aware of how easily and readily I'll set aside what I want and need to do for someone else. Reassuring my sister that I'm available to help whenever she needs it makes me aware of how quickly I'll reach out to someone else, but never think to offer that same support to myself.

My goal for the year is to finish this draft--polished, finished, ready for beta readers--by Thanksgiving at the latest. I know I can do it. I know I need to focus, to reach out to other writer friends who are on their indie pub journeys, or keep track of their progress and how they're handling themselves. I need to be more supportive to myself. I need to celebrate how determined I am, even through the hardship and discomfort of having no financial independence (and the BPD impulsivity of overspending when I do have money, combined with the PTSD sense of foreshortened future. Why save money when I can't imagine a need to support myself because I can't imagine wanting to live [which is different from wanting to die, it's simply a total apathy to the concept of existing and wanting to do so]).

I just... need to be better to myself. I need to jump to my own needs the way I do for others. I need to reassure myself the way I do for others. I need to set goals in the immediate and long-term future and meet them, and be proud of meeting them. I need to start looking at my life and what I'm doing in it as things that are good, and useful, and valuable, and necessary, and wonderful, because no one and nothing else is going to give me the life I'm desperate for. I don't get a second chance at this. It's not something I can start over. I'm alive now, whether I like it or not, and I have to keep dedicating myself to things that make me like it.

Even typing that out makes me scowl or cringe away from the very idea. But why? Why don't I want to make myself happy? Why don't I want to make my life better--to make my life my life, how I want it? Why can't I just... be a healthy person? Why can't I like myself--not even love, just like? Why am I repulsed by the very idea of taking care of myself? What happened to make me this way, and how can I fix it?

[do-what-the-knight-tells-you]

Yes!

Also being clear that I don't want to piss in anyone's Cheerios or drag Nancy- the fact that she Doesn't seem to be aware of her faults re: Steve (or Jonathan, for that matter) is part of what makes her an interesting and complex character, keeps her from being like a flat/perfect "strong woman" stereotype or whatever...

But yeah, this, absolutely.

And I think the chemistry is definitely there between her and Robin in season 4, and I particularly like... I think that it you know plays nicely into Robin & Steve's Best Bros vibes that Robin does like Nancy, that she absolutely totally gets the attraction and is like. Oh no. Aw crap. She's so pretty and smart and cool and hot... Aw damn.

And I really appreciate in fics that have platonic Stobin and Ronance when there Is a moment That addresses this. And it would be absolutely inappropriate of Steve to like... To tell Rob that she couldn't date Nancy. That kind of like toxic how I met your mother bro code bullshit. And I get that's why so many pieces that pick up on Robin and Nancy's chemistry and choose to pursue that like obviously would not have Steve getting in the way. Very much make there be room for Robin to be worried that it'll bother Steve and Steve to explicitly go. No. Nancy's awesome. And if she makes you happy then that is the move that you should pursue 💯💯💯 and even more, I'm absolutely tickled by fics that reference Nancy Specific knowledge that Steve has/maybe shares with Robin, and the way that all three of them are able to know each other better through knowing the other ones.

But.

Buuut more than that, I do just personally for myself prefer, particularly in pieces that lean hard into the Platonic Stobin and the Steve Is Really Actually A Nice Dude At His Core... Yeah, I prefer that Rob chooses to ignore that one, chooses to resist, not cuz Steve would have asked her, not because there's any like cosmic rules or whatever that she's following... But purely because she knows Steve wouldn't ask it of her... And she knows Steve will never hold Nancy to account over it...

Yeah. Robin can retain the right, as one half of a Brotp, to be petty on Steve's behalf about his exes, specifically about an ex that actually genuinely hurt him. Not really intentionally! But did. And didn't... Wasn't ever really in a position to like redress that.

This is one of the great things about having such a tight best friend! No one you know actually has to be a bad person or at fault... And you would never be shit to the person's face about it... But purely best friend rights, You get to hold the grudge that your friend won't, that your friend can't.

And I love that for them. 💚

Honestly not a fan of Ronance for the simple reason that I think Steve should get to have his best friend dislike his ex a little on his behalf. He's too much of a self-sacrificing sweetheart to do it himself, and tbh he deserves it.

Like I don't hate Nancy or anything, and I often enjoy when people write Stancy as still being friends, but resenting the ex simply on principle is, like, best friend basics! How can we talk about Steve not used to having someone in his corner without letting Robin have his back in the simplest of ways?

[whatifyoulivelikethat]

LO$ER=?, m | jjk

pairing(s): jungkook x reader

summary: Life is just a path and you walk it. Until Jeon Jungkook. He made you run, sprinting through winding side roads and alleys, fighting, bleeding, losing. Your paths split, but life is made of orbits. Now that they have overlapped once more, his hand is fiercely holding yours and he won't let go again. Nothing matters if he's with you. Thus, you run once more, laughing like you've gone mad.

continuation of 0X1=?, m | jjk – click here to read

warnings: rated M (18+) for language; mentions of sexual assault (not heavily described, however, please note reader is the victim of said assault); actually predominantly fluff; mentions of previous angst; mentions of physical fighting; smut (fem reader, fingering, cowgirl, scratching / marking, penetrative sex); non-idol!BTS - tattooed, previously rich!Jungkook x rebellious!reader (mostly reader's POV, a tiny bit of JK's POV), ft cameo of Kim Taehyung as JK’s best friend and crossover with 'bao, t/m | myg' au

yes, I waited until the TXT's 'LO$ER=LO♡ER' was released to write this XD there's a ton of TXT references as well, enjoy!

--

now playing – LO$ER=LO♡ER by txt

"Jeon Jungkook! Yah! Jeon Jungkook! Come out of that whore's home!"

You were about to remove the groceries from your front seat, but then you stopped at the shouting, peering up at the second story of the apartment complex to see… ah, yes, a young woman yelling at your front doorstep. One look at the imported, Western, black car with heavily tinted windows and you were well aware that the woman in a matching designer two-piece – a ruffled pink suit jacket and flared skirt – complete with immaculately pulled back hair in a half-ponytail must be...

She turned around, fuming, pretty features twisted in rage, and screamed in frustration.

You quickly jerked your head back out of her line of sight and clicked your tongue.

Your boyfriend's ex-fiancé had some lungs on her.

You waited until she finished shrieking like a banshee and peered out to see her spin on her heel and return to pounding on your apartment door with her small, manicured fists. You spotted her beige, black cap-toed slender heels.

Chanel.

Huh.

You stayed in your car.

Reached over to your bag and pulled out the single ice cream you bought to share with Jungkook but, at this rate, you would have to buy another. You pulled off the cap and folded it in half, curving it like a spoon, and began to eat the mango sorbet. Hm, well, it was better this way. Jungkook would probably prefer chocolate or straight up diabetes over mango sorbet.

He would eat pretty much anything though.

You scooped up some of the frigid, melting sweet into your mouth and watched his ex-fiancé shout at no one.

True, you could go up there and throw her down the stairs. But there was something hilarious about this, her beating and howling at your apartment door, completely ignoring the fact that no one was answering it and that she was very clearly causing a public disturbance, all because of her own personal problem.

You glanced up to watch her slide down the door, openly crying now. You pressed the button of your car window to roll it down a crack to listen to her sobbing above you.

"–can't believe you would do this to me... you know I need this marriage... my family's company depends on it..."

You slowed, licking off your makeshift spoon.

"I'll be left with nothing... nothing unless I get married..."

Crocodile tears or not, the woes of the rich did not earn much sympathy with you.

You rolled your window back up, leaving your car on idle for the air conditioning.

It was a mix of previously being constantly berated by Jungkook's wealthy parents that now exiled him over a fucking eyebrow piercing and being a member of the working, lower middle class. For some reason, that latter fact was also offensive to Jungkook’s parents. Everyone was accepting until money got involved. You hummed, eating another scoop. You didn’t like it, but you understood that his parents wouldn’t believe that you have no interest in their money. What you didn't understand was why his ex-fiancé was so hellbent on yelling at your door. From what you could tell, she wasn't ugly. Couldn't she find someone else?

You scraped the last of your small ice cream out and ate it up.

You checked your phone.

Jungkook wouldn't be out of work for at least another three hours. You had found him a job at the local bao shop through your own job as an accountant. You assisted the family in sorting the finances for their small business and personal tax forms. The owner had back surgery and so the daughter had been working there by herself with one other employee that delivered the orders. They wanted to hire another to help with cooking and cleaning, perhaps even open up the front counter again to accept pick-up orders instead of only delivery. However, it was hard to find someone trustworthy and reliable. The best way was through word of mouth.

They won't mind my tattoos?

Whenever I drop by, the delivery guy is wearing a leather jacket, ripped jeans, and has a resting bitch face. You'll be fine. Also, I think the daughter and him are dating.

Jungkook had blinked at you.

You know. In case they disappear for ten minutes, unexplained.

You loved Jungkook's laugh.

He didn't complain or whine for some other job. He only asked when he started and how to get there. You bought him a secondhand bicycle and he was off to work, five to six days a week. Sometimes you would drop him off with your car if was too rainy. Occasionally, when he had to stay late for a large order, the delivery guy would drive Jungkook and his bike back home.

That's how it was here, in the world of everyone else, minus the rich.

The fuck is all this?

Manager gave me a bunch of leftovers. She said I'm a fast learner. Did you know Taehyung stops by there? He's never said shit! He said it was his little secret, that ass–

You smiled as you remembered Jungkook's animated face and annoyance at his best friend for not sharing what he thought was crucial information. Jungkook would speak excitedly, hauling a bag of buns and spilling them over your clean kitchen counter, scrambling to catch them as he explained the different ones to you and how they were made, telling you all the things he was learning and funny stories about customers.

You almost forgot this Jungkook.

It was strange, feeling something after such a long time of feeling nothing, strange to find your time occupied once again by him, when at many times you vowed not to get involved with Jungkook anymore, only for him to show up and make you throw your promises to yourself to the wind, recklessly chasing the anger, wondering, hating, loathing how much you still loved him after he left, recalling him standing there, stone silent as his parents' verbal lashes ripped you to shreds.

You turned the car off, pulling the keys out and pocketing them, not wanting to the drain the battery.

Maybe.

Maybe you were stupid for loving him so much.

Maybe you were as pathetic as the woman up there in some ways.

Then again.

Maybe that was just how everyone lived.

You heard a soft tap by your car window.

You jerked your head to see Jeon Jungkook, in the flesh, peering at you through the glass, clutching his bike. You could see half of his head, short black hair and large, curious brown eyes, nose pressed up to the bottom of your car window. He was wearing his work clothes, light wash jeans and an aqua blue t-shirt, lightly dusted in flour. He pointed up and you noticed his ex-fiancé had switched back to yelling at the door, no longer facing the street.

You shooed him back and opened the car door, eyes wide.

"Why are you home?" you whispered, crouching down to speak to him.

He grabbed your hand, gasping as he gripped it. You shivered at the coldness of his fingers, but there was a warmth in between your and his frozen palms, melting each other.

"Oh, shit, your hand is so cold!"

"So is yours!"

"I was biking! My hands get cold from the wind. What's your excuse?"

You held up the empty mango sorbet container in your other hand, shifting your eyes guiltily.

"And you didn't share?!" Jungkook hissed, his windswept hair giving him a fierce appearance, dismay clear in his glistening dark brown orbs despite trying to sound angry.

You spied his other hand on his bike. There was a large, wrapped bandage on his left forearm. You ticked your chin towards it, furrowing your brows. "What happened?"

"Ack, I burned myself and manager-nim told me to go home early. I told her I could still work, but there were only a few hours left and it seemed like she wanted to be alone with Yoongi-hyung..."

You raised your eyebrows.

"What are they gonna do, bonk in the kitchen?"

"You wouldn't want to bonk me in the kitchen?"

You grinned at him and Jungkook grinned back, eyebrow piercing flashing in the sun.

"JEON JUNGKOOK!"

"Oh shit–"

You scrambled out of your car, locking it, slamming the door as the young woman wailed his name and pointed at you and him, furiously wiping her tears.

"You bitch! How dare you take him from me! He was mine! I had him wrapped around my finger!" She hiked up her skirt and swiftly power-walked to the stairs, looking back to yell more at you as Jungkook placed his bicycle down. "He would do anything for me!"

You raised your eyebrows, again.

Jungkook yanked on your t-shirt sleeve, ushering you to get on the bike with him.

"Doesn't seem like it!" you called back casually, chucking your trash at her, causing the empty ice cream container to smack her in the shoulder and roll across the sidewalk.

"You–"

You cackled and got on the bike, hooking your arms around Jungkook's shoulders and adjusting your feet as she stomped up to you two, conventionally attractive features contorted in rage.

"He was my dog!"

Your eye twitched.

"You were gonna marry a freak who was into bestiality? No wonder you left," you remarked, patting him on the chest as Jungkook burst out laughing, loud and rich, shaking his head.

"You can't do this to me, Jungkook! You can't leave me with that other guy!"

You felt it.

Pause.

You felt Jungkook stiffen under your hands and you turned yourself, hearing the helpless plea in her voice now, throwing herself to the ground, designer knees in common dirt, anguish on her face, tears streaming down her made-up cheeks, sniffling hard, and, with your breath lodged in your throat, you realized she was restraining her pained sobs, so trained in maintaining appearances that it seemed like she couldn’t even cry properly in front of others.

"You can't... you know how they are... I can't marry him, you saw what kind of man he is... that's the whole reason I tried to find another husband..."

There was no more anger in her voice, only fear and dread, and you didn't understand, and yet you could for some reason, for some reason you could see it as if it was tangible, the realness in her enigmatic words. Jungkook's hands tightened on the handlebars of the bicycle, his knuckles turning white, tense shoulders under your arms, and for a second, a moment, an instant...

You thought he might go back.

"You should run."

The crying woman on the ground lifted her head, hiccupping, cheeks blotchy pink, still somehow beautiful.

"W-What?"

Jungkook turned his head and looked down at her. "You should run away, like I did. Find someone who actually loves you. Getting married to me will only make both of us miserable, even if it saves you from that other guy."

She looked from you to him, and you recognized that look in her eyes, jealousy and envy, but not directed at you. It was directed at the warmth between the coldness of his hands and yours, directed at the orbits of his and yours finally overlapping, meeting in the vastness of space once more, his zero and your zero becoming one, not you, but his ability to throw everything away, his wealth, his comfort, the world he knew, all for a feeling she had yet to feel.

"What... what if I can't?" she asked weakly. "What if I can't find what you have?"

Jungkook lifted his foot off the asphalt and placed it on the pedal. He raised his head, and you found his eyes on yours for a brief moment before casting them back down to his ex-fiancé.

"Then keep running. It's better than being married to him, right?"

He began to turn the handles, about to pedal away.

She screamed after him, words choked with agony.

"Love won't solve our problems, Jungkook!"

You held on tight, chest to his back, fingers clutching in Jungkook's shirt, nose in his hair, his warmth under your cold hands.

"It won't!" he yelled over his shoulder, gaining speed with a grin. "But it sure as hell makes the problems worth shouldering!"

-

“Hey! Get back here!”

You snickered and chucked the plastic bag into the basket connected to the bicycle, jumping on quickly, pedaling away as Jungkook ran after you at top speed, breathless and laughing, his black hair flying back, aqua shirt molding to his muscular chest, long legs sprinting after you and the bike, your grinning face looking back periodically to catch his smile, going not too fast, but still fast enough so he couldn’t quite catch up. Golden hour brought out the tan on his skin and his high cheekbones, both of you tearing out of the gas station at high speed, drawing stares and shaking heads, but neither of you noticed or cared, his booming voice calling your name and you sticking your tongue out at him childishly.

“Watch out!”

You jerked aside and sped past a group of five young men with skateboards, two with shorter black hair, one with long black hair and white highlights, one with ash gray hair, and one platinum blond, all very tall, but you didn’t have time to stop and stare at the impressive height of them, turning into a side alley towards to the creek nearby, avoiding pedestrians, Jungkook following close behind until you got to your destination, grabbing the plastic bag in the basket and throwing the bike down, cackling as Jungkook snatched you from the air, his heart racing against your back as you kicked the air, him still somehow effortlessly carrying you despite sprinting so hard, panting into your hair.

“Get off!”

But instead of letting you go, Jungkook held on tighter, fierce kisses into your neck, wiping his sweat all over you and making you cringe amidst your laughter. It was already late, the sun dipping into the horizon, slowly taking its warmth with it. Water trickled meekly down the creek, barely coating the rock bottom due to the hot summer.

“Stop, stop, the ice cream is melting,” you finally gasped out, shoving Jungkook aside, wiping your neck with the back of your hand, pretending to be disgusted, but Jungkook just grinned and seized your cheeks, pressing his lips against yours.

“I love you,” he breathed.

“Ack, I love you too, fuck, get off–”

-

You two sat on the swings of the empty playground, watching the sun disappear, eating ice cream with the lids of the containers. As predicted, Jungkook got the chocolate that seemed to have everything in it but the kitchen sink. You, on the other hand, got red bean this time.

“Hey, Jungkook.”

“Hm?”

He looked up from his ice cream, shoving a large lidful into his mouth.

It was strange how beautiful he looked, even with his black hair sticking up every which way, his cheeks filled with the frozen sweet, the faint rays of sunlight catching the silver of his jewelry – eyebrow piercing, earrings, silver chain around his neck with the compass star pendant – all paired with his oversized aqua blue t-shirt and baggy jeans, still with bits of flour on his thighs from work.

“What did that man do to her?”

A darkness clouded his features even though he tried to hide it from you with a neutral expression.

“Ah… He just… Just wasn’t really the kind of guy who thought of women as people,” Jungkook finally got out, looking away from you. “You know, the kind of guy you really hate.”

“That’s you,” you joked.

“I know I can’t do anything,” Jungkook continued, ignoring your quip and you suddenly regretted it, seeing the way he lowered his hands, exhaling slowly. “I am not responsible for anyone else’s behavior but my own.”

Come crawling back to me on your knees when she reaffirms to you that I'll be the best fuck you'll ever have.

She'll never make you feel as good as I can make you feel.

Enjoy your piranha.

“I’m sorry.”

Jungkook looked up at your sudden declaration.

“I’m sorry,” you repeated, coughing awkwardly. “I’m sorry for saying the things I said about her.”

He snorted, shaking his head. “Don’t be. Just because she was in a shit situation doesn’t excuse her for being a shit person.” He shoved the lid into the empty ice cream container and rubbed the back of his neck, pushing his hair back with a sigh. “Just like how it doesn’t excuse me from being a shit person for what I did to you.”

His eyes shifted away.

“You don’t have to–”

“Yeah, I do,” he muttered, cutting you off. “I’m a fucking loser.”

The streetlights began to turn on, but no one was in a place like this, two adults in a place for kids, stuck wondering what adulthood was supposed to feel like because it still felt like an endless cycle of forever learning and forever running, wandering to find out what the finish line meant.

“I wasted time you can’t get back and I will spend the rest of my life chasing the time I wasted.”

Jungkook sucked in a shuddering breath, hand falling from his hair, rueful smile on his face.

“I can only hope you can put up with me for so long.”

You blinked slowly.

He turned his head, brown eyes finding yours, those irises catching the streetlights like how his jewelry had caught the sun, proving that Jeon Jungkook was, indeed, already adorned with nature’s very own jewelry.

You scooped out the last of your red bean ice cream and ate it, looking away from him.

“Sounds like forever,” you remarked, feeling the chilled sweet cool your heated cheeks, swallowing slowly, savoring the way the cold warmed you in its own way.

“Hm?”

“Sounds like I’m stuck with you forever then,” you said, turning back to him with a smirk. “Kinda sucks.”

He smirked back, cocking an eyebrow. “Yeah. Major suck. Speaking of my dick–”

“Oh, shut up.”

But you said it with a smile and he knew you didn’t mean it.

-

“Why the fuck do you have that?”

“It’s from work. Gimmie your arm.”

“Why?”

You extended your arm, frowning, stopping under the streetlight, one hand on the bike as Jungkook held the black permanent marker with his right hand. He used two fingers to uncap it and tucked the lid neatly into his palm, spinning the marker with the adjacent two fingers to readjust it so that he could write on your arm.

“Do you wanna get a tattoo with me?”

“Of what?”

You looked down to him scribbling on your skin, his own black tattoos standing out, covering his entire right arm and up to his shoulder. You wondered if he would end up tattooing his back and maybe his other arm – but, then again, he kind of needed money to have pay for such large pieces.

“Couples tattoo.”

You looked down when he drew back, grinning, reading the word upside down.

LO♡ER

You raised an eyebrow.

“You want to get ‘lover’ tattooed?” you asked, skeptical, turning your arm this way and that, unsure if you liked the placement on your forearm, near your wrist. “You don’t have any space on your right arm anyway.”

“That’s why I would get it on my left.”

And he curved his wrist to write on the bandage on his left forearm, messily writing on top of it.

LO$ER

Now you raised both eyebrows.

“You want to get… ‘loser’ tattooed onto your body?” you snorted disbelievingly.

Jungkook grinned, recapping the black marker with one hand, tapping the dollar sign on the bandage with the marker lid. “Doesn’t it describe me? ‘Cause I had money, and now I don’t.” He pointed to the heart on your skin. “You love me. I love you. A lover with a dollar sign is a loser, right?”

Laughter and skateboards sped past, five blurs of black along the street, spinning around the parked cars, people yelling after them to stop being so reckless, but you were too busy staring at Jungkook to notice the ruckus, too busy staring at that smile and those brown orbs lit up by streetlights.

“Are you stupid?”

Jungkook’s grin widened, mole underneath clearly visible. “Yeah, kind of. Stupidly in love with you.”

You both instantly pretended to gag, trying to mask your smiles, you shoving him and him shoving back, playful and laughing like mad, falling into him, dropping the bike with a loud clang, swept up in his arms and his kiss, your hands hooking behind his neck, love you, love you, love you, not sure about this whole tattoo idea, but, hell, maybe, just maybe if he annoyed you enough about it.

-

Shit, the groceries...

Are they still good?

The green onions look kind of wilted, but so do you and you're still good... I think.

Shut up.

You didn't need him, but being without him was like being frozen in time.

Not that you had any big dreams or aspirations anyone could be envious about. It always been like that, casually cruising through life, existing for the sake of existing, no real reason needed. It just was, and there was no reason to stop, so you kept going. The path was there, so you kept walking.

But, then.

Jeon Jungkook.

Jungkook made you run.

It's not washing off.

Tragic.

Easy for you to say, you wrote yours on your bandage, 'loser'.

So terrible that you have 'lover' written in you by your lover - hey, pfft, stop! Put the showerhead down!

It was truly by chance to meet him, a moment of terror and then he was there, yelling, get off her, don't fucking touch her, and you didn't understand, didn't understand why some random guy would suddenly intervene between an interaction of two strangers, how could he sense your discomfort and fear, and now he was throwing fists, brawling with not one but three guys, friends of the one who slipped his phone and his hands under your skirt, the stranger smashing the phone with venomous rage, fighting in a dress shirt, slacks, leather loafers, and expensive-looking rings, giving you a chance to escape.

A winner at life.

Not like you, you who let something happen because you froze up in that second, disbelieving that such a thing could happen to you, a nobody, a loser.

He kicked one of them in the knee, growling, a howl followed by the sharp crack during the fight.

You could turn and escape.

Or?

You heard sirens.

You grabbed your protector's flying fist and clenched into it tightly, panicking.

Run!

This was before the tattoos.

This was before the pain.

This was before the piercing.

Jeon Jungkook had whipped his head around at the foreign touch, in this mess because he had witnessed something disgusting and because he simply wanted to fight, just wanted to beat someone up, wanted to cause real pain to someone because he couldn't control his own life, wanted to fight something.

Needed to fight.

A hand around his hand.

Run!

Never once had Jungkook thought about escape.

Not until he saw that face, fear and panic and rage and determination, stunningly beautiful, hand around his hand, not letting go, pulling, sirens screaming in the distance, his legs already moving, following, running, running, running, into the sea of the unknown.

Sinking into it.

Lungs screaming, clumsily flying through alleys, on wings of adrenaline, running after the girl in the white hoodie and red plaid skirt holding his hand, falling, falling, falling, skidding across the concrete, her arms around his, her head buried into his chest, his hands around her head to protect it, hitting a dumpster with a pained wheeze.

The sirens sped past.

He was holding her and she was holding him.

It was chance.

Just chance.

His hands were scraped up, bleeding from the trip and tumble, her white hoodie dirtied and ripped from the fall, scrapes on her legs and knees.

I'm sorry...

It was ridiculous chance.

Just ridiculous.

You clung to this stranger and laughed, laughed like a maniac, laughed like you had gone mad, crying into his dirty navy dress shirt, thank you, thank you, thank you, not knowing you were holding the one who would make you run, not knowing who or how affluent he was, now knowing of how it felt to hold his hand and kiss his lips and hear his laugh, not knowing how you would introduce him to a friend who was a tattoo artist and start his interest in them, not knowing you would sit by him for long hours and watch the art grow on his skin...

Holding him, crying, thank you, thank you, thank you for saving me, leaning against a dumpster as the stranger hugged you tightly, I got you, it's okay, don't cry, don't cry, don’t cry please, rubbing your back.

Not knowing.

Not knowing he would make you zero, not knowing you would be standing there, time and time again, verbally beaten by his own parents as he looked away, unable to fight.

And you would escape.

You would run.

He would come back.

An endless cycle until you broke it.

Then he started the endless cycle again, broken as it was, his whispers to your cheeks, I love you, cheeks that were dried of tears because you were cried out and left with a mechanical heart, I love you, heart to heartless because of wasted time, I love you, time wasted but you still loved him, no matter what you did.

Did that make you pathetic?

Did that make you stupid?

Did that make you the loser?

I love you.

Why did it matter?

Even winners die.

I love you too, Jungkook.

"Get your hands off my tits."

"Why?"

You glared at him. Jungkook grinned and spun you around, hair still a little damp, kisses on your face that made you cringe as your naked bodies tumbled on the bed, him doing it on purpose, your grumble against his kisses, should have known, his smirk against your scowl, thought you knew me well by now, capturing his lips to shut him up, sinking into his arms and the ocean that was Jeon Jungkook, the one who made you want to run through the maze of life instead of aimlessly walk down the path.

His hands on your face, staring into your eyes.

You looked back, into those eyes that once had everything, but you.

And yet, he chose to lose it all and have nothing, but you.

It didn't really make sense, being in love.

You searched for regret, but there was none to be found.

"Am I forever your waste of time?" Jungkook whispered, breath drifting over your lips.

You smirked.

"Always was and always will be."

I know you said I was a waste of time. But I was your waste of time and that was all I ever wanted to be.

"Let me at least..."

"Ah, f-fuck, Jungkook!"

Your hands faltered a little, rolling the condom down while biting your lip, gasping as his two fingers plunged into you, him moaning at the wetness, thrusting slowly and deeply.

"What, you think I can't feel good with only your dick?"

"No," Jungkook snickered, pulling his slick fingers out of your pussy and bringing them to his face, cocking an eyebrow. "Just want a taste."

You rolled your eyes as he shoved his fingers into his mouth, sucking them off, eyelids fluttering.

"You're so annoying."

He grinned around his fingers, slowly pulling them out and tracing his wet lips.

You narrowed your eyes.

You don't have to take me back. I understand now, you know... I get it. Everyone... everyone will tell you you're crazy and to not to take me back.

I'm not taking you anywhere.

I... I wouldn't blame you. I promise.

Jungkook, please, shut the fuck up.

Your hands on his chest, smacking your hips down, his head thrown back on the pillows, breathless moan at your tightness, matching his sound with your own, stretching yourself out and feeling him swell even more at the pulse of your walls wrapped around him, rolling your hips into his, wet, intense smacks, his right hand flying up and wrapping around your left wrist, watching you through his lashes with effort, losing himself in your pace, no need to ask because you could see it in his face, his open mouth and glazed over eyes, fingers slipping down, curling your nails into his skin.

“P… Please…”

Raking your nails down his chest, his back arching and eyes closing, groaning in pleasure and pain, fucking him into your mattress so hard that the bedframe squealed, setting your jaw and closing your eyes too, savoring his fullness and thickness, sinking into the ocean of pleasure that was Jeon Jungkook, the one who made you feel like no one else, the one who could make and unmake your mechanical heart, funny how that worked, your nails in his skin creating crescents of lust, your eyes snapping open as you felt his chest rise, his back arching, his hands flat on the bed and thrusting his hips up into you, one eye partly open, black hair pushed back, open-mouthed smirk on his lips.

That dark brown orb partly obscured by his lashes, but revealing all to you.

You ticked your chin at him.

“Look at me.”

His eyes fully opening, pupils dilated, hazed over with lust and stubborn love.

“Nothing is more important to me than loving you,” he panted before sinking his teeth into his lower lip, mole underneath flashing, smacking his hips up into yours hard and fast, and it took no time at all, staring at his face and the way the moonlight cradled his strong jaw and toned muscle, catching the low light and bringing out the fervor in his gaze, filling you just right, pleasure blossoming from your core and yet concentrated tightly at the same time, moan of his name falling from your lips, spilling out from your lips and in between your legs, covering him with the sweet scent and harsh squeezes of orgasm, even wetter now, his eyes rolling back, cock twitching, satisfied hiss of your name spilling out with spurts of cum filling the condom, his length shivering inside you, your thighs closing in and holding him in the air so you could feel it all.

His pleasure and him.

I won’t make it to heaven. I don’t belong there.

It’s not like I belong there either, Jungkook.

Are you sure? Only an angel would take me back.

I didn’t take you back. Only your body walked away. Your heart never left me, did it?

“You sure you don’t want to get a couples tattoo with me?”

“I’m still trying to wrap my head around how your dumb ass wants to get ‘loser’ tattooed and how you think that’s romantic.”

He pressed his right forearm against your left and grinned, watching you suck in a breath as he pushed into you again, other condom already in the trash, new one on, your right leg against his chest, sandwiched between your bodies.

“But yeah, if you want, I’ll get a ‘lover’ tattoo.”

He paused, blinking rapidly. “Really?”

You raised an eyebrow. “Yeah? Why not?”

“You never wanted a tattoo before.”

Now you raised both eyebrows. “Did you ever ask me before?”

Jungkook looked down at you, hair a mess, smile blossoming on his face, somewhere between giddiness and mania, diving down and showering you with kisses, you smacking his arms and telling him, you’re bending me in half, the fuck are you doing, and he laughed, lifting both your legs now, I’ll show you bent in half, placing them between his arms, leaning down, sinking in as deep as possible, your moan and his moan mixing together.

You’re still here.

Of course, I am, this is my fucking apartment. Ugh, your black eye looks even uglier than before.

You don’t… you don’t want me to leave?

Did I say that? Uh… why are you crying?

F… Forget I said a-anything…

Hey, stop. Don’t cry. Don’t cry, Jungkook, please…

“Fuck, you feel so good, fuck…!”

Your hands in his hair, teasing grin on your face, and he was looking down at you, I love your smug smile, fuck, your fingers combing through his hair, pushing it back and away from his face, letting him see your smug smile without any obstructions, you always fuck me so well, Jungkook, the smile breaking out over his handsome features, breathing erratic and labored, hard and rough and deep, you rising your hips to meet him for every loud smack, exhales and moans blending together, tight, wet, full, your grip on his hair tightening, closer, closer, racing to the edge of the cliff and the edge of the world, Jungkook in your hands, taking him with you, or was he the one who was leading you?

“Jungkook…”

Breathless as if you were running, winded from the pleasure, tightening around him, his head lowering, your name washing over your cheeks in a hot gasp, putting more weight on you, nearly folded in half but it felt better this way, gratifying in how hard he could fuck you in this position, staring into those dark brown orbs, his body on yours, knowing he was yours, always was, always will be, and you were his, always was, always will be.

Head pressing into the pillows, moaning his name again, loud and unashamed, the overwhelming feeling taking over, muscles tense and nerves on fire, pouring it all into the pleasure, pulsing around his jerking length, his moan of your name on your skin, shooting shivering strings of cum into the condom, massaged and milked by the strength of your orgasm, locking him in your embrace and his arms closing in, lips on lips, a fierce kiss dominated by shuddering aftershocks, trembling in each other’s hold and taking the other’s breath away, blazing hot all over even though this frozen world cared about no one.

The kiss lasted a long, long time.

It fell apart slowly, leaving you both lightheaded from the intensity.

“You’re a waste of time, Jungkook,” you whispered, heated. “But you’re my time.”

The side of his lips quirked upward, sweaty, panting, chuckling.

“That’s all I ever wanted to be.”

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