#maybe ill post sketches later this week

[rolandapostatize]

wish i could tell legarde ascending to godhood will not fix the void he was born with

[todayisafridaynight]

Do you mind dumping all of your thoughts on ebina for us?

i dont even know where to begin on ebina he just sucks major horse cock and i cant be swayed on this but ill put it under the cut for everyones sake. this is rambly as hell too idc i refuse to spend any more time thinking about ebina more than i already do

like what is his purpose. like i KNOW his purpose but it sucks- him being a Plot Twist baby is the dumbest shit in the world and they dont even ATTEMPT to do anything meaningful with it i do not care what anyone says

why even HAVE HIM be related to ichiban if he never even interacts with ichi in a meaningful way, esp when ichi's whole theme is family-- WHEN THE GAME IS LITERALLY ABOUT ICHI MEETING HIS MOM (or it was until they decided they didnt care about akane in the plot anymore)

like we mentioned it before here but if you have to have ebina related to a yakuza from the past for his ol Bring Down The Yakuza gig then why not make him an orphan from kazama's orphanage ???? literally nothing wouldve changed except it would've made more sense with how much kiryu deals with him instead of ichi. it wouldve been a great way to round things off with kiryu's saga too, what with having to confront the consequences of kazama's actions directly and finally and officially burst that fanatic bubble of his (i dont wanna HEAR nothing about gaiden that's not enough for me im GREEDY). theres something in here too about kiryu and daigo but i cant articulate it... i just know that wouldve been better too .... something something kiryu brought daigo into this life and now that he sees kazama 'bring' ebina into this life hes projecting ... idk ..

the game def didnt seem to give a fuck that ebina was arakawa's son considering they fucking revealed it in a bland-ass in-game cutscene FROM DAIGO OF ALL PEOPLE daigo respectfully why the fuck do you know this

i dont know how many people watch my streams but i was so obnoxious about ebina's villain monologue before his fight because its just ...... it just SCREAMS Hey You Guys Remember Aoki Right. fucking Masumi Arakawa Had Two Sons: One Who Loved Him And One Who Hated Him LITERALLY SHUT UP AND DIE I HATE YOU MASATO ARAKAWA WAS RIGHT THERE AND HE DID IT BETTER THAN YOU fucking stealing his bleach japan shit too. you might be able to steal bleach japan and piss me off about it the entire time because fucking everyone and their grandmother besides zhao seems to have forgotten fucking bleach japan but you can NOT steal Number One Hater Son from masato arakawa GET AWAY FROM HER 🗣️🗣️🗣️ 'why did masumi arakawa have to get himself killed' BECAUSE HIS NUMBER ONE HATER SON HAD HIM KILLED BECAUSE HE WAS A BETTER HATER THAN YOU SHUT UP

another thing that pissed me off to no end was the sawashiro shit fuckin Oh He Kept Him Alive Because He Wanted Him To Stop Him SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP I HATE YOU . i really wouldve preferred if they just killed sawashiro like old man why are you here- WE DIDNT EVEN GET TO SEE YOUR EYE GET GOUGED but im getting off topic. NOTHING bout what we've seen from ebina could convince me he Wanted To Be Stopped like absolutely nothing i dont want to hear this bullshit excuse. it is MERELY just reminding me of ichi being like 'i wish i couldve been there to stop you' @ aoki and its making me pissed

like im the only person who cares this intensely because im the only person who likes aoki enough like this and im trying NOT to mention him so much and just focus on ebina but its just so annoying... like its impossible NOT to see the parallels, especially when the game is practically bashing it into my brain every three seconds. like if we're talking aoki/masato-adjacent antags then i like eiji so its not the fact that HE IS aoki adjacent that pisses me off its just that he has no agency OUTSIDE of being a ghost of him. like there's nothing interesting about him in the slightest and he's barely even on screen why are you forcing me to give a fuck about this twat. if anything the one aoki thing i wish they did mirror onto him was dying at the end i do not care about this man

[skitskatdacat63]

Boy King Seb :D

[noisemastter]

yall ever wake up and can suddenly draw again

[lostelfwriting]

Bury Me with a Rose, We Both Have Thorns (Prologue)

Rating: Explicit

AO3 Warning: No Archive Warnings Apply

Relationships: Death & Dream, Dream & Hob, Dream/Hob Gadling

Characters: Dream of the Endless | Morpheus, Death of the Endless, Hob Gadling, Jessamy, Matthew, Corinthian, Lucienne

Additional Tags: NO Major Character Death, Hanahaki Disease, Terminal Illnesses, Thoughts about death and dying, Decaying Health, Refusing Treatment, Strong Language, Unrequited Love, Enemies to ?, Past Minor Characters Death(s), Protective Death of the Endless, Doctor Human!Death of the Endless, Alternate Universe - Human, Tattoo Artist Dream of the Endless | Morpheus, Flower Shop Owner Hob Gadling, Blood, Angst with a Happy Ending

Word count: 32k

I'm posting the whole work here on the 1st of March, but I strongly reccommend you read it on AO3, where I will be posting one chapter per day. Either way, click Read More or go to AO3 to read the Prologue!

Written for the event @the-centennial-husbands-bigbang. With beautiful art by @five-and-dimes!

It is a slow day at the studio, so while he is waiting for his next appointment, Dream is – like he does almost all of his free time – sketching new tattoo designs to add to his portfolio and listening to music loud enough to completely shut out his own thoughts. He is sketching a snake, having no doubt that it will catch someone’s eye. There is always someone who wants a tattoo of a snake. He pauses to look at his progress and ends up snorting in disbelief.

The drawing is truly a snake, but the reptile is weaving among the stems of flowers instead of a dead branch like Dream had intended. And they are ugly flowers at that. He is pretty sure that he gave a pot of those flowers to his secondary school teacher, who always called him Murphy, even though he hated that nickname. He can’t resist snapping a picture of the flowers with his phone and trying to look up what they are, but once he finds the name – cyclamen – he refuses to look up their meaning. It would surely be something stupid, like forbidden love, or maybe hopelessness.

Even the snake’s scales seem to actually be made of flower petals, and Dream rolls his eyes as he flips the page of his sketchbook. The downside to trying to tune his mind out is that he doesn’t notice when his subconsciousness begins to interfere with his process, and it has led to many flowery paintings in the past months. With a sigh, he starts copying the usable parts of the design onto another page until an insistent thought makes him pause mid-movement.

Just a few weeks ago, he would have been furious if this had happened. He used to tear those ruined sketches to pieces and then go outside into the late winter chill and glare at every passing person who dared to look his way. He wished they all felt as bad as he did, and most of all, his neighbour with his shop opposite Dream’s studio, with its bright, flowery logo.

Today’s drawing incident feels like just a small inconvenience. He feels zero anger, though he might still opt to destroy the sketch later, just for the miniscule satisfaction that the action will bring him. Or maybe he will keep it. Pin it to the wall next to his bed and look at it every night. He will look at the ugly flowers and realise with wry amusement and aching hollowness that he has finally accepted his fate.

He, Morpheus Endeles, is going to die.

He thinks about it and waits for anger or grief to appear, but they don’t. Good. He was getting sick of the self-pity. It has been months since he noticed the first symptom – the occasional cough – as something seemed to tickle his throat, easily blamed on a bit of dust. And then, a bit later, when he lay awake late at night and everything around him was quiet, he heard the soft rustle of leaves as he breathed. He didn’t need a doctor to tell him that he had the Hanahaki Disease. He tears the ruined sketch out and shreds it into tiny pieces, enjoying the bit of satisfaction that it brings him. Maybe he is still harbouring some badly suppressed anger. He doesn’t need a fortune teller to tell him that he has no chance of getting affection from the person he hopelessly loves. Because it is his neighbour, the owner of The White Rose, Robert Gadling, a straight man who rightfully dislikes Dream.

+*+*+*+*+

Cyclamen: resignation and good-bye

[n0bluev]

My collection of (unposted) sketches and WIPs is growing help lmao

I might start posting again soon ????? But frl idk how to get back in the rhythm ahhaha i used to post a lot of art but nowadays i take/save pictures for it and just leave them in my cameraroll pftt

At least i drew a lot recently to kick art block's butt so it's not the creation part of the process that fails me, just the social media part lmao (dont get me wrong, i love to share and to meet people through art but posting is still annoying ☝️)

^though its true my unfinished stuff is pissing me off a bit (I COULLDDD finish but. Oh well, that's a project for later me hahahahah (ill bonk myself on the head if i start another drawing. But i know i will so i might as well stay prepared and wear a protective hat #suckitloser #@me))

Ok after some consideration; heres the plan. To motivate myself ill just. Shitilly post stuff right here and now and ill simply have to make it right by cleaning stuff up and posting again later 👍

Im basically peer pressuring myself ! Lets hope its effective, here goes ! :

ofc this isnt all cuz im disorganised (maybe ill post whats missing from here first 🙄🙄🙄(i just noticed its some of my favs pft i am helpless)) + i have worked on some stuff in those screenshots since the pictures were taken. But. You get the gist 👍 uh, so yeah 👍

Feel free to bully me or something if i dont post a drawing at least once this week & the week after lol

[peachsodah]

Serirei Week day 2 : sick day / sleeping

i am also posting this one late 😔 its just a sketch because i was sleepytired. maybe ill do a full render later on but i rlly just wanna post this rn lol

[kuwdora]

🙃 please wish me luck for tomorrow, I have Yet Another Interview...I've been averaging about 2 a week for the last few weeks and I'm still only 60-75% done with this process. Not even counting all the outreach to set up other interviews in the meantime if these don't pan out. To say I am losing my mind is an understatement. I'm so tired. Trying to be kind to myself during all of this, since this is rather exciting and overwhelming and exhausting but waaughhhh, I'm ready to hibernate for a full week (if my brain would actually let me rest which remains a large problem...) My short term memory continues to be shitty. Forgetting to lock doors, turn off stove burners, I keep forgetting things folks have told me the previous day/week that I really should have remembered (lists are my friends but I keep forgetting to add things to my list). All very ADHD but really it's just... a lot of my anxiety about all this interview stuff. Wake up and it's the first thing on my mind. Last thing on my mind before I go to bed. It's taking up so much brainRAM. I have the myNoise app on my phone to help soothe ye old brainmeats in the evenings, at least. Anyway, amongst the fannish chittering in my brain that is not witcher-related: I remember reading about someone spinning Ted Lasso character's into the Star Wars universe and I could not track down the post. I can't even remember if I read it by someone on twitter, tumblr, or dreamwidth at this point. Or if I had imagined it. Does this sound familiar to anyone? hmm. Next my brain started thinking about Yellowjackets characters in the Star Wars universe and have determined that Misty Quigley would be an amazing secret pirate hunter who occasionally moonlights as a pirate. Next up: I'm almost done with the Disney era Thrawn trilogy reread (it's only taken me like two and a half months wtf) (next will be Heir to the Empire, wheeee). I'm pretty caught up with Grand Admiral Thrawn strategically instilling praise kink and loyalty in the people under his command. I also recently revisited A Black Lady Sketch Show's sketch: The Basic Ball in which I tried casting Ted Lasso characters mental illness/neuroses looks and then my brain melted out of my ears because of previously stated tired. But also my favorite Yellowjackets meow meows showing off their PTSD looks? Love. It.

I would like more brain to finish editing my Witcher wips, to start a few more wips--they're dancing in my periphery. And I'd love to have brain to paint again. To have energy for seeing friends. I'm quite sad I couldn't corral enough focus to finish my VidUKon vid in time for the deadline, but I can just try to finish it later.

Maybe soon I can reclaim some more brainRAM. Free it up from this interviewing stuff. Fingers crossed. 🤞

[sojrner-fishsticcc]

new hyperfixation girls!!!

okokok this is a lil weird but its like midight rn and i am HYPED AS FUCK!!!!! a while back i got really into fursuit stuff, like i was absolutely obsessed with it n i really wanted to make one. i finally went and bought a few of the materials - a big roll of foam, hot glue, sewing stuff, n then i like totally stressed myself out about it and dropped it entirely :\ that sucked, and it made me pretty sad for a while, but a few months have passed and its back! so im back at it, but this time im trying to be smarter abt it. i went into fursuit stuff with absolutely NO experience with sewing, modeling stuff irl, basically anything that would be important, and id be messing with expensive materials so uh. it was a bad idea. and i tried to do everything at once which fucked with me cos it was just too much work.

but this time i think i have a better idea! i really want to start simple, i plan on eventually making a mini partial, so head paws n maybe a tail. and im starting out as small as i can with just making a cardboard box head. like what cuptoast made to cover their face irl! just a box, stuff added onto it, im going specifically for just cardboard with sharpie and beige masking tape accents (going for both style AND funcionality!) so its going to be a lot simpler. its going to be a fun little experience to just practice making... things, in real life. what i plan on doing is kinda using this as a testbed. i love this project, its cool n i love it, but i want it to still be simple so if i fuck something up i can make it again and replace the parts. and slowly i want to ship-of-theseus her into a full head! im starting with just flat cardboard bits, so a box with flat ears and some floof n stuff, but i slowly want to modify her and swap out parts as individual projects. like at some point, i want to swap the basic drawn-on eyes for full on fursuit follow-mes, and add some foam padding to bits to slowly shape her out. its gonna be fun to build on her over the course of weeks or months, i even made a lil project name and badge for this! because of course i did :3. im calling it project rock salt because its gonna be of my oc salt, but i made a tweaked version of her design im calling "rock salt" because its more adapted to fursuit stuff. so floofier, no clothing items, not as complicated. and i thought of a really cute lil slogan of "foam, fur and faith" for it because i rlly like it. its nice, its going to be fun to learn all these craft skills.

ill try to update this (just kinda for myself, i really like just documenting this) as i add parts and upgrade her. hopefully the base box will be done this weekend! whichll just be the base parts, markers and tape. not doing eyeholes for seeing or padding for making her fit my head, just going to go as simple as i can, those bits can come later. also most of the money from my comms and models will go to her for buying materials for upgrades! because. i have a decent source of income from those now. so i can do stuff like this. so uh. thank you strange internet people :3 i promise ill pick back up on comms soon but i have finals next week so stuff is a lil hectic irl, and i dont want to commit to any stuff dealing with real money cos im anxious abt that. ill probably work on the box for the next while because its a super cool little project im happy to have picked up.

so ya! thats it for tonight! gonna post boxhead progress as i make stuff, but rn its just some basic sketching on cardboard, so there isnt much to show. ill share my scratchy stuff as it comes out but for now goodnight weird internet people! love you all!

[0poole]

People being normal about my TADC fanart

Spoilers: This shit ain't normal ya'll need help

Let's start with the one obviously made to garner the bigger reaction

Like, the joke is pretty obvious, right? Everyone wants to either sex the rabbit or have someone else sex the rabbit, so since it's physically impossible for them to actually do it I wanted to make a joke about that.

Meanwhile, people on Instagram are treating this like it's straight up-porn.

Are you kidding me? If I actually drew straight-up porn of them, I could at least get the "fandom sucks" comments but mentally ill?

A YEAR? A fucking YEAR? Are these two people like eons old and only see a year as a tiny blip of time in their lives? Do they have any idea how long a year is? I could get it if they meant like a week or maybe even a month, but a year is actually just absurd. Do they really think it normally takes anything close to that long for people to realize they're attracted to a character, and make art of it? Most people can produce a piece of art in a few hours, maybe a day if they really put the effort into it.

Anyway here's a perfectly normal reply to the post. I want to believe this person made this photoshop specifically just to reply to my post, because I would love that even more.

Next up we actually have the opposite problem. Take a look at this one

The first TADC art I wanted to make, mostly because I had a really cool idea of putting Pomni in a 3D background, and later thought to actually animate it and make it spin. Obviously I wanted to stylize her a bit differently than in the official animation because I'm basically a sucker for poofy pants/sleeves/shoulderpads whatever, so I just made them bigger, as well as her jester hat cuz obviously.

And to be fair, many more people are normal about this one, but still:

Do they think they're just like, funny or something? While some people nowadays are like "all horny thoughts of fictional characters are sin" others are like "haha sexo funni" and I guess make that their personality. It's just as dumb and annoying. If you want to fuck a character, just fucking admit it. You look even stupider if you're like "haha I wanna fuck her but I don't want people to think I'm actually serious"

This kind of thing happened with a comment on Newgrounds of a sketch of NiGHTS I did a while back. What do they think she looks like under there? It sounds like they think I gave her stick legs but also the fattest ass on the planet, like she was some candied apple on a stick or something. Personally if it were even possible to remove her clothes, my headcanon would basically be that her body looks like Finn from Adventure Time

But yeah there are more passively dumb ones but these comments are specific enough to form thoughts out of. Obviously can't keep this up but hey, just let me dish out my feelings for my first bombardment of attention on the internet lol

Strangely enough, I don't actually want to have sexual relations with the clown. I got enough other characters to form horny thoughts of. Just lay off it, man.

[lune-de-miel-au-paradis]

No better version that I could pretend to be tonight - Nina’s pow

Summary: We can see into Nina's everyday life, who hasn't been able to get the glowing gaze of the unknown zabrak out of her head ever since.

Pairing: Darth Maul x OC Nina Cerasus

Warnings: Mention illness, medication, anxiety, emotions (Let me know if I left out something.)

AN: This fic means a lot to me and I worked on it a lot. If you have any advice or comments, please share them with me kindly. I'm posting for the first time in years and I don't want nasty comments to discourage me from posting again. If you don't like it, please go to another blog. I did my best to translate it, so pls forgive me, English is not my first language.

Maybe you noticed, but the chapter title is from a Hozier song called Jackie & Wilson.

Please enjoy reading!

previous chapter

Failure, that's how Nina would describe the week after that night. She had no peace at all, in addition to the university, she worked in two places, one as an assistant to a professor and the other as an inventory clerk. All of them were hard work and took a lot of her time. She had no choice, she needed the money. 

Unfortunately, after her mother passed away, a lot of unpaid hospital bills were added to the expenses of her own medical treatments, and she had to cover them somehow. Her grandmother was a nurse at the local hospital and although she took on many shifts, it wasn't enough. 

Nina wanted to help her guardian so that she could retire later, without worrying about financial expenses. At least Nina didn't have to worry about university tuition, since as long as she maintains an excellent average, she receives a scholarship.

This leads to the next failure she had. She lost her focus in school. Several times she found herself daydreaming during classes. She was tired and something haunted her. More precisely, someone, a mysterious stranger, with whom she did not spend more time than a few minutes of wordless dance. What scared her was that the more she felt the event was real, the more she began to doubt that it was true. Polina couldn't find anyone in the register, no zabrak were official that day, and the security guards didn't let anyone of that species in either. So Nina only imagined him, according to these facts, it was really just a dreamy image. But then why does it feel real? What caught her the most were the pair of eyes, the wonderfully glowing sunset eyes. She tried to sketch it in the margins of her notes several times, but since she had no talent for drawing, these attempts never succeeded neither well nor satisfactorily. Which is, of course, another area in which she failed.

She regretted that it wasn't real, she would have liked to spend more time with him. Somehow, she wondered about this several times. What if he was real? Would he like her? And she would like him? In any case, she didn't mention it to her doctor though, she didn't want another type of heart medication instead of the one she's currently taking. She was annoyed by the period until she got used to the side effects, so she stayed with the old one. Although she hadn't taken them in days, because they only dulled her, and she was afraid that her imagination was playing tricks on her again.

The next thing is why she was dissatisfied, was the results of her psychology examination. According to the teacher, her answers are not satisfactory, as the girl did not show enough sympathy for the parties involved in the task.

"What bullshit! That's exactly what I'm going to do as a lawyer, isn't it?! To keep my personal feelings out of things and do my job with a clear head." She was annoyed as she packed in the warehouse and checked the factors on the list at her workplace. The teacher had been teasing the girl since the beginning of the semester and tried to do everything to make her get bad results.

Nina's thinking was different from the average in the group. She didn't focus on whose situation it was, but what led to that situation for them.Nina's reactions were harsher despite the fact that she could remain calm in more serious cases, which surprised the teacher a little, so he sent the girl for a psychological examination.

 "Great! Because if I complain about my problems to a stranger, I will magically process my traumas and, as a bonus, I will even be cured of my heart disease!" she thought. Nina did not believe in this, nor in hope, nor in the old and new gods, nor in miracles, but most of all in people, especially men.

Nina knew a few things. She knew that with hard work and the right connections, she could take her career far. She knew that her almond-shaped green eyes and the small regular gap between her two first upper incisors were the first impression of an innocent doll-like face that she could use to her advantage. And she also knew that each man lied without exception.

But now somehow it seemed that this knowledge was not enough for her to easily put the current series of bad luck behind her. Maybe the stars weren't aligned, maybe it was just the Force messing with her, but things definitely weren't right, and it worried her.

She was worried that this would be another failure. Just like her relationships, her health and her life.

And like another unexpected and unsolicited surprise gift from the god of bad luck she received another bad news that day.

"I'm sorry Nina. But the labor is cheaper this way, I can't pay you because of the increased trade prices. You know VAT and taxes...I have to replace human labor with droids." Hozka, Nina's now ex-boss, said sadly when he was dismissing her that day. Nina understood the man’s situation, but that didn't mean she was happy about it. She lost the better paying one of her two jobs. What is this, if not…. (drumroll please!) a failure!

She sat on the bus tiredly. She headed home, towards the village, which was not far from the city, but just far enough that it was necessary for her to rent an apartment in the city due to going to university classes in the morning. She made this trip twice every week, sometimes Polina went with her, but the girl was now preparing for an exam, so Nina enjoyed the peace of being alone on the road. In such cases, she also brought laundry and a bag for the many meals that Grandma Eve-Lynn had prepared and sent to her.

Nina loved going home, everything there (despite the many bad memories) was somehow comforting and reassuring. Like wrapping herself in a fuzzy and warm blanket. She always sleeps well here and even her soul feels a bit lighter if it’s possible. Maybe because it’s a little quieter, due to the lack of nightlife, or maybe because it’s close to her secret place. 

When she finally arrived, she got into work. She put in a few piles of clothes for washing, one for herself and one for Polina. Grandma Eve-Lynn wasn't home yet, so Nina looked over their whole budget, while the working machinery hummed and hummed soothingly in the background.

Luckily, she had some credit set aside, so Nina didn't have to worry about paying off the mortgage. And there are also the medicines and the daily expenses…

As Nina calculates, she realizes that her ex-boss was right, the prices have risen a lot in recent weeks. She drummed her fingers nervously and ran her fingers through her hair. She needs to find a job, not bloody necessary, but rather necessary.

However, she happily included the amount received from the sale of the mirror panel dress in the reserve. Polina didn't know, but Nina sometimes sold this and that on the holonet, from her own wardrobe. She wasn't ashamed of it though. 

When she was done with her chores, she realized that her grandmother hadn't come home yet, so Nina decided it was time to visit her super secret favorite place, the abandoned villa. She brought her datapad with her, so she will be able to study, and her telescope. It was late afternoon but she planned to stay for awhile, so that she can see the wonders that the sky plans to show her today.

The weather reports promised a wonderful clear night sky for that day, at least this can be a cooling balm for her skinned soul.

Nina moved forward knowingly, since she already knew the path in her heart, but before the anxious knot in her chest could completely dissolve for a little time, she received an unexpected call.

She frowned but answered the incoming call. It was her doctor.

"I wanted to reach you as soon as possible, Miss. The results from last week's examination have finally arrived. Several results are quite favorable, which shows that the medication you have is working. But the heart rhythm... the results could be much better! I thought that this should definitely be done to start something, it's not exactly something that should be glossed over. After all, you practically failed this part of the test. I don't want to scare you but the heartbeat is too slow, I think you sensed that too. We definitely need to adjust the new dose. Could you come in sometime for a blood test? " Nina agreed flatly then when she got the date settled, ended the call. 

Nina stared speechless. In the early evening hours, some afternoon sunlight filtered in, painting the sky purple, and a light afternoon breeze rustled the crowns of leaves making a few rustling ones dance with it in the air.

Nina's results have been stagnant for years, she has not recovered, but so far she has easily passed all tests. From time to time, she was notified when a new drug or treatment became possible for her, but these, even if they did not help, did not make her condition worse. Her concern overcame the annoying happenings of this unfortunate day.

This was more important, much more! She already knew the doctor well enough to know from his tone that the matter was indeed serious.

When she reached the old dilapidated villa, she didn't even notice that she had been holding her breath in for that long. She let it out with a small sigh. Apart from that, she only heard the sounds of the forest, everything was covered by the peace of nature.

Nina was lying on the cool tiled floor of the house's glass-domed piano room. The hard floor below her, the purple-pink palette of the sky visible through the broken glass dome above her, her mind lost far away in the land of thoughts. 

With one hand, she held on to the edge of the level difference, as if anchoring herself down with it.

Her other hand rested on her heart with cold fingertips, despite the fact that her soul was in war between anger and sadness. 

“How long it will be until she feels something again beside these? “ she wondered

She focused on her heartbeat, counting the light beat of it. She caressed it as if she were cradling a little bird in her chest, which was beating at the wrong pace, ready to burst out ruthlessly.

Nina has read it somewhere that the hearts of mammals beat two billion times during their lifetime.

Bantas live between eighty and one hundred years. Wolves for fifteen years. Tooka cats live ten years and smaller rodents only two years. Humanoids live an average of seventy years. 

“Would my heart have reached two and a half billion beats so quickly? But the doctors said it beat slower.” she thought.

She looked from the sky to the roof and walls overgrown with blooming creepers. Several smaller trees and shrubs have already grown in the villa, starting the slow but sure recapture of nature. Over time, nature always demands back what is due to it, be it territory or balance. Nature is even capable of self-healing.

Perhaps if Nina stayed here, she would lie down and let the many plants grow around her, so that she would become almost one with nature, like the mythological nymphs. If she let the roots, leaves and flowers surround her, like a protective cover, maybe that they would think she is one of them, a damaged flower, then maybe she would be healed by them.

Inmediatley that old evening tale came to her mind where the princess slept until her kingdom was overgrown with a dense dark forest and she was awakened by the kiss of a prince. Would a prince kiss her too? That would be weird. And Nina never liked princes, she always preferred knights and warrior characters in fairy tales. Maybe she could be such a hero herself, right? Maybe she shouldn't play the princess role.

She had it wrong all along! Maybe she is cursed with this disease. But instead of defeating it, she simply has to keep it in check. Carefully check and keep it level so that it doesn’t grow upon her and..

She was jolted out of her thoughts by an unexpected noise. The sound of a low humming engine. She sat up and began to listen. It was definitely the sound of a vehicle, a ship. But so quiet? She jumped up and hurried towards the garden, she didn't see anything, the noise also stopped. She ran out towards the lake when she saw a figure. A tall figure in a dark hood and cloak stood, turning towards her, but his movements were uncertain. Before she could even think that it was safe for her, Nina was already standing in front of the stranger. He extended his black gloved hand towards her. Nina caught the stranger's eyes for a moment. He had intensely shining golden eyes, his gaze was glowing, it reminded Nina to ember. Then the moment passed and the stranger collapsed, dragging the girl by her hair with him down.

Mood board made by me, pictures are from Pinterest.

next chapter

Taglist: @cloneloverrrrr @hellhound5925 @stardustbee @the-chains-are-the-easy-part

Let me know if you want to be added 💖

[white-flwrs]

05.10.2023, thursday

figured i might as well make 1 post in the morning and edit it later HAHA i’m literally using tumblr as a replacement for my bullet journal that got soaked in the rain a few weeks back atp LOL

had my maths paper this morning and that was one heck of a good paper istg, was decently difficult without making me want to pull my hair out. i enjoyed it very much, j the perfect balance of challenging and manageable 🤩🤩 i finished it with 52 mins to spare and after checking i sketched the graphs of certain functions that we didn’t need to, and i littered the paper with 6/7 super cringy math-related pickup lines…. wldnt get me more marks but i was bored HAHA

i hv my chem paper tmr so here’s my plan: [x] review done past yr papers (see weak topics) (i cldnt find one of them oooooops, oh well) [x] review chem cheat sheet [x] review periodic table trends from last yr 😭👎 [x] memorise conditions for organic reactions [x] more practice (maybe) [x] 2022 past yr eya paper (timed) (still not my best but its decent i suppose, ill hv more time to check my work during the exam)

will edit this later to cross those off :D

[skitskatdacat63]

Orb...

+ process kinda

[zerofoursix]

<- Jan? Feb? 2019 ---- Dec 2022 ->

FOR REAL my last post of the year aha, I just want to say that comparing these two pics is wild to me, and very interesting (and kinda emotional). Kinda stream of consciousness below, wanna post before midnight, no beta we die like men.

The one on the left was the second...? thing I drew on my new iPad after straight up not drawing for 5 years. Art school both kicked me down with an unfair critique by a revered professor, prompting me to completely change to an art style I couldn't wrap my head around just to appeal to art school professor sensibilities more, only to be told by the same prof senior year that his fav students were the ones who use the style he said he hated in my freshman year.

Between that breaking my spirit, being soul-deep burned out, and experiencing the start of serious physical and mental illness, the second I graduated I stopped drawing. I doodled small things while talking on the phone, but I can probably count the number of sketchbook sketches I did over the next 5 years on one hand.

So when I got the iPad and pencil and realized I could draw in a way that came most natural to me instead of feeling pressure to appeal to someone.... you can see it's still kinda rough, not where I was at the start of college style-wise, stiff from being out of practice, colors don't Vibe, it took me several days to do what I used to do in a single sitting, etc.... but it's still one of my favorite things I've drawn during this personal drawing era of mine.

And then, four years later, I didn't set out to do a redraw but there are a lot of similarities in the framing and effects and expressions... and it's made me realize that, even as I've dipped in and out of hiatus these four years, I've continued to unlearn the worst bits from art school, remember the best bits and tricks, and take in / learn from more inspirational media. Despite the hurdles, I've improved in so many ways and to a huge degree.

I've kept feeling like my art was stagnant, and that contributed to the hiatuses, but in reality I've been passively improving in ways I couldn't see. And that makes me so hopeful.

I really look forward to trying lots of new things in the coming year. One of my resolutions is to learn the painting brushes in procreate so I can do portraits and landscapes again without the risk of chalk pastel dust ruining my week. ;; I want to do so much, and I think with these art parties and study / work / task streams I'm attending, I'll have a lot of opportunities to continue to improve!

Thank you to everyone for their patience over these four years and the several years prior, I look forward to being more open, posting more, and maybe showing progress videos...? That's something I plan to look into soon :))))

Happy new yuri y'all! <3

[ram-de]

my usual tuesday kinda day

oh wow, look who's here. me again. venting, thinking i'm going to have some reflective introspection moment only to get back and let myself fall deeper into the hole i dig myself. exactly. i know what i'm doing. and i can't even blame my home or my family. because i'm given space and time and all the warm comfort i needed. it's all me. i could blame my habit or some kind of mental illness but i'm not diagnosed and at this point that's just me trying to pick at something to blame.

i wrote a lot about how i'm so flawed and complain about myself and my life a lot. but there's not enough guilt. maybe i felt guilty when i wrote it, but all of it gone when i slept. the morning always fresh, though a bit clueless with all the options of what kind of distraction i'm going to sink deep into.

i've tried books. i don't read books, but if it's a distraction, i can dedicate weeks switching books. i've tried manga. andi i liked mangas, all the tropes and all the pretty art of works that i mostly read pirated because... i'm not exactly working and i don't know if i could afford subscription prices. i should work and let myself face the reality of how hard it is to make money but here i am. talking big and doing nothing. what else have i tried. oh. i've tried games, too. rhythm games, genshin and later on honkai. they're fun and immersive. i've tried netflix, movies or shows in general. and since i'm a marathon kind of guy, what else is there to do than to binge watch most of the series i found interesting?

i've tried lots but not anything productively. well, i tried doing doodling and sketching random things as a hobby. couldn't commit. what else? huh... i don't remember most of it. look at that. i haven't tried much. i didn't do things to improve myself. and no matter how long of a paragraphs i could write about how i really wanted to improve. i don't know if myself would commit to it. that's how much i don't believe in what i could do. 'coz it's so easy for me to bail. to ditch. to leave. to run away. to postpone. to be still. stagnant.

i'm such a hypocrite. fuck myself, am i right. fuck it all. but i can't afford to fuck it all life like that. because... because i spent time pursuing academics... and... and... it's just... i should be more desperate to run past the finishing line. but instead it's more of a whatever-ish kind of vibes from myself. it's so. weird.

it's easy to imagine how liberating doing such an fuck it all moves in life. i can't do fuck it all for a final year project of college because else how can't i graduate?! i can't do fuck it all for post-graduation plans because how else can i get a job? i can't do fuck it all for even coming out and saying i'm gay because i don't have a job and also i don't want to like be apart of my family and be estranged for it. i can't do fuck it all for shaving my head because i'm too much of a coward to make it like a symbolic kind of acts to make a fresh things to start my life with, and for me to just think of it like leaving my burden away with the hair being shed and cut. i can't do fuck it all because maybe i don't want to fuck life itself. i have hopes. but fuck me for not holding onto that strong enough to push myself forward. to force me to walk and do stuff. fuck it all. i said. fuck it...

what even i'm saying. i had this outline in my head about how i want to start the post of vent. so basically. i watched two seasons of the white lotus and it's such a good show. tense. funny. s1 definitely funnier than s2. it's so unhinged it's good. and ahem theo james. yes. um. what? no. i mean, i love series with ensemble cast. and the way it all lead up into the chaos that is the finale? *chef kiss* methinks.

okay, what else. ok prelude done. uh... then i was going to link it with why i was watching the white lotus in the first place. yes, yes. i was thinking of a show that is similiar to nine perfect strangers. and this one shows up right there. better, tbh. so... yep. and why was i watching nine perfect strangers in the first place? well, i was looking for bobby cannavale's other works since i liked his character in the station agent, joe. i think. i wrote a post about it. thinking it's going to be my. like. last movie before i face the world and my problems that i hid under my bed. and look am i here! you know what, why was i watching that in the first place? well, because i was watching kembang api on netflix, and was downright UNDERWHELMED by it. like. really. zero chemistry whatsoever. I'M NOT HATING ON LOCAL MOVIES!! i was intrigued by this movie and the premise. time loop? yea i'm a time loop trope enthusiast. ensemble cast? (i mean it's like 4, but still they're strangers) ok yea i like that too. and yea whatever. why was i watching this movie in the first place? becasue i was tired reading books.

and why was i reading books in the first place. exactly. distraction. fuck me.

ugh. i could talk about it for hours!!!! i should talk about it, actually. but like. with real people. not a void. but i like the void too.

currently? i'm thinking of what kind of lines i'm going to write? am i leaning into the oh i'm so scared of myself and the future or, would it be more into the well i don't think i cared anymore or stuff like that. but then i ended up thinking about what am i going to write? how do i want to be perceived when someone reads this like duh this is a venting blog no one is supposed to read this.

whatever...

how can i practice self-compassion when i'm so ignorant to my own responsibility? when i basically ditched myself? when i... i let myself be in this kind of situation again and again. there's no solution to a problem that i am not willing to work to solve. am i not willing? i'd like to think i am but i don't know how. no, scratch that. i am too ignorant to be willing. i don't know anymore.

maybe it's my hungry stomach writing. whatever... ugh... i'm reminded on the monthly reflection thing and the monthly spotify playlist too. see how commited i am to it whole? ahh....

[sucre-blue]

I'm so sorry you had a bad Wednesday last week :c I hope this week is better for you ♡♡ if it all helps to jumpstart some better days ahead, can you tell me what you think would happen if Law, Luffy, and Zoro would do in that one episode of spongebob where they have to babysit wormy but wormy metamorphoses overnight and now the entire ship is in mayhem? :3c

THIS WAS FROM LIKE A couple weeks ago so im so sorry i never answered it properly ahaha ;; whoever you are ty soo much youre so nice this did help :)))

ive just been so swamped with annoying school work and other things its been hard to look on the bright side all the time but im getting thru it (>o<)b!!!!

I WAS GOING TO DRAW A WHOLE COMIC bc!!!! can you imagine the chaos and also i love spongebob lmao.....but like i said im so busy rn it would have taken me a bajillion years ;; so instead i drew a fun splash page ill post later BUT u can also have my hastily written script idea aaaand some beginning sketches i worked on under da cut :)

rough script lmao:

Luffy, looking panicked: LAW!!!!!! HAVE U SEEN WORMY???

Law: TxT …what

Lu: Well….:x usopp found a cool bug in his garden and he decided to keep him as a pet AND-

I was maybe a little bit jealous so I…borrowed…him for the day and we had so much fun together! You remember that island we visited yesterday?

Law remembers being stuck on board the ship (drew the short straw) with sanji (who tortured him with bread because robin was nice to him that morning) and nami (who started charging him for being in the same room as her, using the toilet, etc)

Law: I haven’t seen…whatever you’re talking about. Now leave me alone

Luffy: (puppy dog eyes) PLEASE HELP ME LOOK FOR HIM!!!! USOPP WILL BE SO SAD I DONT WANT TO MAKE HIM SAD!!!!

Law: ...fine…

-on the deck-

Law: where did you last leave it?

Luffy: Well, I left him with zoro, since I wanted to go try and steal an after breakfast snack!

Zoro: is asleep, holding the jar

Law: isn’t that-

Lu: OI ZOROOOOO! WAKE UP!!!!

Zoro: what the fuck luffy?

Lu: Torao is helping me look for wormy!

Z: isn’t he right- oh.

Lu: where did he go, zoro? And who is this?

Z: What the fuck is that D:< ….

Law: It’s a butterfly-

Lu: well DUH! But what happened to wormy?

Law: it evol-

Z: Obviously there was a battle and the superior guy won! Look, that must be wormy’s remains, what a loser.

Lu: DDDDDDD: fuck usopps gonna be so mad

Law: It’s a process called metamorphosis-

Z: Wouldn’t usopp be happy to have the stronger creature as a pet?

L: well *I* would, but he seemed to really like Wormy…

Luffy thinking face.....then: LAW! Can you bring Wormy back??

Law: NO! THAT *IS* WORMY!

L and Z: …wow ur dumb. This is literally nothing like a worm.

Law: ahskflsjs

Usopp (and Robin. for fun idc) enter, see luffy and zoro bullying law who is still trying, foolishly, valiantly, to reveal the secrets of metamorphosis to captain rubber brain and his first mate himbo (HAHAH like i said, ROUGH script. very rough ahahaha thats how i outline most of my projects tho lol)