#maybe it’ll make me feel better

[evansbby]

seasonal depression is really really getting to me

[boneless-mika]

I’m so upset rn

[officialbabayaga]

when i visited my cousin after a christmas party he had 18 bottles of champagne left over so his mom made me take like 4 of them, anyway i finally opened one for the first time today because i got a 3.93 semester gpa, which has bumped my cumulative gpa up enough to be a competitive candidate for PhD programs i’m applying to in the fall. and it’s great champagne

[cetoddle]

i love my new therapist so much cause she’s the first person i’ve ever met who takes me seriously when i talk about suicide even though i don’t have a concrete plan and haven’t actually made any attempts yet

[petrichorium]

On hiatus for a bit. Old pinned

[ros-aline]

I’m not feeling great :( and I don’t want to do anything ughhhshdhhb

[lilypixels]

I’ve been debating making this text post for some time now but I really could use some advice (mainly from trans folk or fellow nonbinary peeps)

How do you politely tell someone you don’t like being referred to as a specific gendered term? Rn it’s mainly been bothering me a lot that someone (an older guy, maybe 40-50) at work refers to me as a lady or part of a group of ladies and I just ughhh I don’t like it but idk how to like…voice this🥲

[themoonunderstoodmydadjokes]

..

Had a very honest conversation with my therapist this weekend about how bad my anxiety had gotten over the last couple of weeks (to the point where I almost couldn’t rationalize what was real and what wasn’t and leaving my house for anything besides work became almost impossible).

And while we had a very in-depth discussion about what I could and couldn’t handle and how I was struggling so much to perform basic tasks and not sink into everything my anxiety was telling me about myself, she brought the analogy of a filled cup.

But it was from the perspective of, life has filled your cup with all of these things and what’s left in that cup is what you have to operate from (rather than “you can’t pour from an empty cup”, it’s you only have so much to give from).

She tells me that because of the way my life has been, my cup is about 75% full at all times leaving me with about 25% to give to anything else (which isn’t a lot when you’re often operating alone, without close family or a partner). And like yeah, I’ve known this and oftentimes I even use the “spoon theory” to explain this exact thing.

But something about her explaining it like that kinda just made something click (she also said that I might get old and gray and that 75% will go down to 50% but that most likely I’ll always have less to give from because of the significant trauma I’ve been through. Which, like, fuck 😅🫠).

And I think my anxiety brain is like, “that’s not an excuse to not participate and function well in life”, but it also in a very somewhat healthy way is. She continued to tell me that I can’t set myself up to function in the same way as someone who’s cup is only 10% filled, because it’s an unfair imbalance and I’m never gonna function in that way.

But I look at the way I have tried to operate in for most of my life and it’s only ever benefited other people, while I continuously have less and less to give (and almost always it’s someone who’s cup is at that 10% and I allow them to pour it into mine in an unhealthy way)

And I even think further than that into like, what does that look like in a relationship or friendship? Like I’m always going to need more support to function or always be at a place where I can’t give equal to what my partner might be able to give (and as someone who always wants to give, it seems unfair to feel like I might need more care taking in a relationship. I also think this is why I relegate myself to just being alone orrrr why I end up seeking out avoidant partners maybe 🫠).

And like, as much sense as it made for me, it still is just like really unfair and for as much treatment I’ve done and work I’ve put in, I’m still gonna always have to like learn to give less of myself (or alternatively put in so much extra work to reach the same goal as someone else) all in an effort to like not drive myself over a cliff.

I don’t know, anxiety brain wants to like not blame other people (even though there have some highly abusive cunts in my life), and anxiety brain tells me I’m responsible for the situations I put myself in and also the work to undo the trauma of those situations (which hello, let the other party also take accountability for how they abused you, you dumb bitch). It’s a never ending cycle and C-ptsd constantly makes me feel like a raw nerve someone can’t stop poking at.

[hylianane]

(gets ignored by my group of friends that i’ve known my whole life when i try to ask as carefully as possible if they want to maybe go out to eat with me on my birthday): :,(

(remembers I now have new people in my life who are always enthusiastic about going out with me, and try out new games and anime just because i told them i like them, and say insane shit to me like “I really wanna do this thing but Only if you’re there as well when I do it because having you there with me is what makes it special”): :D

[mishtershpock]

.

[chibishortdeath]

So much happening in the world and in my personal life at once and I am completely unable to do anything about any of it. I am completely exhausted. I need to move out, but I can’t.

I’ve been stuck with a headache for a few months.

[devilsskettle]

very disappointed in myself for bailing on my fitness class today but i am listening to the signs my body is giving me and it is saying no

[astral-catastrophe]

Damn it

[redhotarsenic]

Genuinely feel like viciously tearing something apart rn there’s too much happening I feel like a cornered disease ridden animal of some sort

[aerticent]

I cannot stop thinking about Elara and Maven😵‍💫

[cemeteryb0y]

god i wish i was a normal video game player. i hate gittin’ so mad about ‘em. an’ i hate that it’s some stupid shit that runs deeper than some quick an’ easy “don’t take the game too seriously.” i take everything too seriously. that’s my issue