#maybe its just my autism freaking out here and all but i just

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

[marlshroom]

i will never ever stop thinking about the disability allegories in gravity falls. i cant ever stop thinking about disability allegories in other media and gravity falls is no different. im feeling chatty today, so lets see if i can articulate all my feelings on the matter.

the most interesting thing that stuck out to me with thisisnotawebsitedotcom.com was this snippet on fords medical paper:

we hear about this kind of attitude towards disabilities often, maybe you have heard about autism being referred to as the "next evolutionary change in humans." we can especially see this when a person has a disability, but is also very capable in other fields. there are so many cases in the medical or educational field of a child having specific needs, yet they are ignored due to them being "gifted".

in a vacuum, ford's extra finger may not be considered a disability, the sixth finger allows him more movement and dexterity, and ontop of that, he's a genius. its just an extra finger right? its not like it hurts him. but it does hurt him. he is a child living with a limb difference, he is constantly ridiculed by his peers. they call him a freak and physically harass him.

this is where we dip into the social model of disability here. i know sometimes that can cause a little bit of discourse, but i think its interesting to note here! please if you have a limb difference feel free to add your perspective or correct me where you see fit. if you don't know what the social model of disability is, its the perspective that disabled people would not be as limited in their abilities if it wasn't for the oppressive society that they lived in(think people in wheelchairs could do more things if infrastructure had disabled people in mind). ford wouldn't be experiencing abliesm in his life if limb differences were something people were educated about. then we get to bill cipher. in theory, his ability to see the 3rd dimension is almost a super power. but in the book of bill its literally stated that it is illegal for anyone to mention the possibility of "up". he is forced into abusive medical practices where he is being drugged to suppress his ability. no one in his dimension has the same perspective of him, he is completely alone, and even worse, the people who should be protecting him like his parents and doctors are abusing him(not that his parents are evil for this obviously. they don't have a choice and i assume they want what is best for him, what were they supposed to do? yet it still had this horrible impact on bill).

this social model can be applied to bill cipher. he has this ability that in a vacuum would be considered amazing, but he lives in a society(rip) that oppresses this. they have to, because bill trying to let his dimension see the stars killed every last person. which makes me think that whoever was in power here probably knew this would happen. its unsure if bill cipher knew the true extent of his damage would be, but i am of the belief that he didn't know how bad it would really be.

i just find all of this very interesting. i really love when a story tackles a topic such as disability. its so obvious this is what alex hirsch is going for and its such a unique take that i don't see often in media, as a disabled person myself. feel free to lmk your thoughts :)

[ampblamp]

AU: Here's How Billford Can Still Win

(part 1: make that triangle miserable)

tl;dr: i want bill to have his ability to live in denial about what he did shattered by several important figures from his past BEFORE he can enact weirdmageddon. this way the yaoi can be messy and toxic (at first) but NOT doomed. it's self indulgent for sure but i'm doin my best to keep it IC as i can 🫡

this first post is just me figuring out how i think things would have to go down on bill's end for billford to have any chance of working out. take my hand. come away with me to my autism world

i'm still figuring out all the details of what would have to change to like. weaken bill's mental defenses enough because he HAS been able to shove his guilt down for so long. i do think everything with ford would be one of the key factors cause he had never connected so much with any of his prior human partners and obviously things souring fucked him up enough to have a turbo breakdown. (i know it's also because of the amount of times the plan has failed but i think he's also feeling rejected by so many humans not liking him lolll)

i think his breakdown after getting wasted at o'sadley's would happen like in canon, save for its repercussions. once bill starts thinking about his mom and everyone else from euclydia around when he's about to be arrested, maybe it would open the door for thoughts of them to keep slipping through his defenses. and suddenly thinking about weirdmageddon and hearing himself and other people talking about it could have a chance of triggering him.

i know personally that trauma can jump in and completely drag you back in time regardless of any logic, and i think him having that kind of episode sooner might be the key to getting him to face that he doesn't want to keep repeating what he did to euclydia because it's never going to be enough to convince the small, small voice in his head saying 'stop'.

because that's just the thing. bill has forced himself down a path of destruction to Prove to himself that its actually for the best to tear down "miserable reality" and replace it with his own vision. his drive and impatience to get weirdmageddon going is BECAUSE he wants to permanently cement that narrative in his mind with the ultimate "proof". because if the narrative fails, not only will he not be able to mentally cope (without help) he'll completely fail the henchmaniacs, who he promised a new home, and look vulnerable and weak, which he's TRAINED them to view as what should be destroyed.

i think the o'sadley breakdown and my proposed worsened repercussions of it would destabilize him, but it wouldn't be enough to stop him. what would push bill over the edge in this hypothetical would be several powerful entities from bill's past like the axolotl, the oracle, and time baby working together to somehow target his mental weak point. cause remember, time baby canonically KNOWS bill's weak point.

also like. To Me. the axolotl and the oracle are people bill was close to and has seen himself in at one point* but they matured and he didn't, and that's why he's SO hostile towards them.

*the oracle being an ex-henchmaniac is canon but i say this about the axolotl because of xolotl. look him up, it'll freak your bean.

alsooooo... ford not being as immature and vengeful as bill hoped he was is probably why bill broke down so hard - because it reminded him of the axolotl and the oracle. all the people who he actually connected with on a deeper level have left because of the same reason. but bill was always too terrified to confront everything he's done, which would be necessary to follow them.

so ends part 1... next, i think i'm gonna try to figure out how ford and bill would meet again (haha). ford is sucked into the portal right after (maybe even during?) the whole o'sadley's deal iirc sooo... fun point in the timeline to play with!

also hopin to draw stuff for this AU in the future :]c calling upon the power of my newly aquired ADHD meds lmao

[vind3miat0r]

Hush EA spoilers

(also a whole lot of word vomit. and for once its not copied and pasted from texts i sent to my boyfriend)

I TOLD YALL I TOLD YALL VEGA WASNT DEAD!!

okay wow theres a LOT to unpack here. uhm.

so the general theory that demons dont go to Death when they die has been confirmed!! yippee!! their magic just gets scattered to the winds and it seems like its up to someone to stitch said magic back together in order to revive(?) the demon that was killed. yay!!

taking a moment to talk about Hush because HUSHH?? Hush freaking out about how he killed Vega and how Vega confused him was just. heart-breaking. omg. i was expecting many things today, but not Hush of all people having a breakdown. that really hit too close to home </3

now, Hush mentioned something when talking about Vega: he used the term "anacruses" to refer to our beloved manipulator. hello? sudden lore drop?? question mark??

more lore drops is Hush talking about how he met Vega before he was formed, and how he thinks he wasnt supposed to remember the demon, and i quote: "But a part of me, a tiny echo within me is made of those who made me, and that’s the part of me that knows him. Knows… Vega. The daemon before the demon. The voice before the song broke from the stave. I don’t think I’m supposed to remember him."

focusing on the "voice before the song broke from the stave" part; i looked up the term "anacruses", and what i find interesting is that the word "anacrusis" popped up. "anacrusis" has multiple meanings, but one of them caught my eye: "one or more unstressed notes before the first bar line of a piece or passage."

now, i dont know much about instrument lore, but (correct me if im wrong) this is referring to music. personally, i think this is really interesting (this may be the autism speaking), because we know that d(a)emons have some sort of connection to the spellsong. im sure Gavin or Hush maybe explained it once, i cant really remember. we also know that Hush is literally the silence in the spellsong. the plural of "anacrusis" is "anacruses". you can see where this is going.

we know that Vega is really old. we know he was around before the Cacophony, which makes me think that he was one of the first daemons to be created. like, "within the first ten" kind of first. Hush calling Vega "one of the Anacruses" has me thinking some things.

firstly, the term "Anacruses" may just be a sort of title for d(a)emons who were created before the Cacophony. this is plausible, and i think it would make sense. it could also refer to d(a)emons who were created before the existence of the spellsong, maybe?

we dont know much about the spellsong, other than that its this non-corporeal thing that d(a)emons and Hush have a connection to (and if we really want to reach, the Sovereigns as well). we know that every empowered person's core has a "voice" in the spellsong, and that if said person dies, their "voice" goes silent.

we dont know when it was created, or how it was created. but the definition of "anacrusis" got me thinking... maybe the "Anacruses" daemons are the ones who created the spellsong. its a bit of a reach (thats an understatement that a very long reach), but i think it's plausible. its like FNAF lore: if you dont think about it, it makes sense.

you must be thinking, "wow vinn thats a lot of word vomit! what are you trying to say?" what i said a few paragraphs ago: "Anacruses" just means "old demon" but with significant lore and meaning attached to it. thats it.

(i really like how Erik's brain works — props to him for working this into the possible spellsong lore)

i dont really have much to say about Hush saying he existed before he... well existed. what i take from that is that he could have been a non-corporeal being who physically couldnt take a physical form until very recently. whatever created him took parts of themself to make him. i dunno, im still trying to understand it myself.

uhhh anyways thank you for coming to my ted talk, youve been a great audience as per usual :D

[thousandyearphantombunker]

I am so tired of high functioning fully verbal non cognitively impaired able to mask autistics being the ones who dictate how we talk about autism- I hear shit like high functioning autism= high masking and low functioning autism= no masking - i get it when you have an invisible disability its like no one ever believes you when your struggling and your told your being lazy or don't qualify for things like disability aids you may need - its a shitty sometimes traumatic experience but low functioning isn't 'low masking' it is needing to be leashed so you don't run into traffic and get hit by a car, its needing to use diapers and take medication to make yourself less violent, it is 'learning sign is impossible for them and an aac device isn't gonna be useful here either' its your parents having to rely on the good will of others and hope they won't be abusive dick bags to your child, it's getting treated like shit by the police because they think your odd behavior means your on drugs, it's being unable to go online and rant about the horrible shit you go through cause your too impaired to even understand it- low functioning autistics have it so much harder and my heart goes out to them- so much ridicule, judgement, abuse and just being so misunderstood is miserable being reliant on others like that is miserable- acting like being low functioning is just being bad at masking and acting like people who are low functioning get treated so well and are taken care of by angels is freaking dumb as fuck- just because your low functioning doesn't mean you get support (and if any of the stuff I listed above is a good indication they need it even more)

Low functioning isn't 'low masking' its your goddamned disability impacting you more severely, and again I get it sometimes your told your super high functioning even though your actually not that high functioning and your approaching burn out and the reason no one notices because you cant stop masking- it's horrible but saying low functioning= not masking, is dumb cause it's so untrue it's being more severely disabled

Also autism burnout isn't just limited to people who can mask/are former gifted children. Masking for too long isn't the only source of Autism burnout- autism burnout can happen to people who can't mask and aren't straight A students. Autism burnout is caused by not having your needs met (having your accomodations ignored, being unable to communicate etc) Autism burnout can happen to anyone with autism and again masking isn't the only thing that causes burn out,

idk I feel bad that you guys couldn't take off your masks, that you couldn't stop repressing your autistic traits, that your needs didn't get met because no one noticed or cared or maybe they straight up bullied you when your needs came up- but why do so many of you think low functioning people are more 'privileged' "oh well they had more money to get a diagnosis and their parents cared about them more to get them a diagnosis and they have more resources!" Okay first of all bold of you to assume any of that shit - lots of low functioning people struggle with poverty, have shitty parents and the idea that they get more resources/better care is laughable second of all even if they have good parents and the resources they get aren't bad or nonexistent and they have more money to get the help they need- so fucking what? Is it really a privilege? Is it really a privilege to be stuck with the IQ of an 8 year old who needs to live in a special home after your parents die having to use sanitary devices and needing others to handle basic tasks for you being carted around by different caretakers, changing case managers, being that helpless? Is it a fucking privilege- i personally think that's kind of scary as shit.

I'm high functioning or low support needs or level one whatever label you like (I think levels have been the closest to working but I used functioning labels for this post cause it was easier to articulate) and I am aware I am not the authority on the autism community as whole- especially the low functioning members of our community but jesus Christ i will call other high functioning people out i usually dont play that misery poker, victim shit but it seems to be the only thing some people listen to

I've known a few low functioning autistic people in my life and I love them and it hurts knowing how they are demonized and abused and how our community shuns them due to shame and thinking that if people see this side of autism they'll take away our rights and I hear them talk about how 'privileged' they are to have such sevre symptoms because getting a diagnosis *definitely means that your super rich because you can afford a diagnosis and care takers, and you get amazing care and have good parents!* (Sarcasm a lot of low functioning people have shit parents, are poor and on top of that being disabled is expensive as shit oh and the idea that people are more understanding and kind toward visibly disabled people is again fucking stupid) And what a blight they are on our community and prevent us from getting full rights... I am so done with that shit. Like the reason we mask is to avoid the danger that comes from being visibly disabled and yet so many of you are jealous of visibly autistic people? And you can't fathom that they get shit treatment a lot of the time? Fucking hell. I wanna hear from more visibly disabled people, people with disabilities that have embarrassing symptoms, people with learning disabilities and low iqs and slower processing, from people who are severely impacted and need people to take care of them, I want to hear about autism from people who aren't burnt out gifted kids or cutesy tik tokers with cute special interests/non violent 'aesthetic' stims (those people should still talk because they are also important) but like so are the intellectually disabled ones? Idk I think we need to hear them to, we need to actively include them in our conversations about autism. we kept screaming at the top of our lungs 'no talking about us without us' yet we don't follow our own advice

[variablejabberwocky]

started watching delicious in dungeon/dungeon meishi (sp?). or as i like to call it

~*AUTISM COOKING DUNGEON*~

dear god y'all have undersold this to me. and like i get it. spoilers and all that. but holy shit

our boy isn't like... "tee-hee little-bit of autistic, just a smidge" like you were all making me think. no no. no, this guy is DEEPLY autistic. we're talking "normally we only give THIS much autism to aliens and robots" kind of autism. the "i need an allistic translator for my social fubars" autism (rip your sister dude). the "i learned a thing! so now im not gonna shut up about it for at least an hour" autism.

and they gave this to THE ONE SINGULAR HUMAN IN THE PARTY. this guy is a HUMAN FIGHTER/KNIGHT-type that is like the MOST BORING/NORMIE shit in a d&d style setting. that is "why are you even playing a fantasy game?" level of normie shit.

and THAT is who gets to be The Party Freak(tm)

i love it. completely unironically/unsarcasticly i love it. they took the "that much autism isn't human anymore" bullshit thats so prolific its basically a trope and went NOPE FUCK THAT NOISE

what i find unforgivable though is that none of you mentioned he's a Kronk too.

boy sounds SO SO STUPID but is so so smart when you actually listen to what the fuck he's on about now (and think on why he's on about it right then). he's a big tank (literally in the fantasy class sense) that just wants to help everyone and do his little special interest shit on the side. and it is on the side because the other two seem like they had no idea it was more than trivia until he didn't have to help micromanage a massive party. like this shit has clearly been on repeat in his brain in the background for A WHILE but he was so busy helping/keeping everyone alive it got shoved aside of his outward behavior unless it was useful. he is a lovable dorky himbo and NONE of you mentioned this.

anyway, i'm also loving the way this whole show is basically only like this because him and senshi are vibing on the same wavelength and the other two are basically just along for the ride to save their friend/part member

the whole thing has a Green Eggs and Ham kind of thing going on with it too. but like...environmentalist about it? like it was more subtle about the whole "hey maybe work WITH your current environment rather than against it" bit and then we found out what senshi normally does and subtlety just went right out the fucking window on that front.

i'm also liking the way it both explores the horrors of dying in a world where being brought back to life is common, while also kind of...poking fun at it? like its reminding me of a thing i heard something like "the difference between comedy and tragedy is how far from it you are" kind of concept.

like they are so fucking ... how the fuck do you spell it blase? with the little "/" over the e. that. the story is so bland in how it handles how people came back from horrific deaths and yet when the characters have to face things that remind them of their own it gets heartbreaking very quickly. but like...chillchuck. goddamn. we get just enough from his perspective that its harrowing but the way its shown to us the reader/viewer is like a comedy skit

cause like...its both.

these guys keep dying/nearly dying to THE. SAME. FUCKING. SHIT.

mage elf is slimebait, chillchuck is basically Dungeon Canary with an emphasis on mimics, and himbro over here is gonna get himself killed trying to pet/eat a new monster no one else knows about at some point. probably why his sister seems to have specialized in healing magic.

i know the fandom is thinking once they get his sister back that she's gonna be Just Like Him but i think it would be much funnier AND more 'realistic' if they were classic autism-adhd alliance but siblings about it. like him being better at staying on a task and her being better at navigating social cues and shit. and both of them with their own little special interest energy. i'm betting her's is magic. and thats why even magic elf is like "omg shes so good at magic i'm no where near that level" about it. i mean its also the lesbianism but there IS more to that than thirst from what i've seen.

anyway i'm 6 episodes into what seems to be 12 available on netflix and i'm already hooked. might have to see if i can get my hands on the manga or something too

[lilysaus]

okay. this fucking picture made me so mad i went on a 15 minute rant to my sister while she was trying to read her book.

so ive been looking at a lot of pictures of posts on pinterest because thats just where i spend most of my time. most of these posts are on the topic of adhd. ive never been properly diagnosed, but reading through these posts has made me feel so welcomed and understood (more than my parents have made me feel, pretending that this is "all just a phase that ill get over soon because pretending to have adhd is just the thing right now") that i realized ON MY OWN that "hey maybe i do have adhd." well.

i found this post while scrolling through pinterest, and it really sparked my anger.

i have a friend who was diagnosed with add before it was considered an "outdated" term and scrapped because apparently ALL FUCKING FORMS OF NEURODIVERGENCY THAT ARENT AUTISM ARE JUST "ADHD".

i read this post and it was what sparked my anger and my 15 minute rant to my sister. people who get degrees in this stuff, or counselors at schools, never really know what youre going through. all they know is that youre having some problems and they need to be solved.

which brings me back to this picture. if you look up "is add still a thing" on google, this is the first picture to pop up. and just seeing the visual aids they put with it makes me furious enough to throw something or someone out a fifth story window. the little girl is fucking SMILING while thinking about the most common shit people think us neurodivergent folks think when distracted. first off, no. false. we dont just think of video games and candy. we think of the randomest shit possible, like how long can i sit here without blinking or what kind of funny shit can i draw on this one sheet of paper.

and ALSO.

you cant just categorize adhd as TWO SEPARATE THINGS and call it good. we dont fit under two umbrellas. theres too many of us. we each have our own figurative umbrellas that only we ourselves can fit under, no one else. thats the problem with neurotypicals. they fit the typical stereotype for humans: we try to understand everything by putting it in a box. those lists of "symptoms"? i match every single one. on both sides. so ha. take that SCIENTISTS. what am i? some kind of freak of nature because i dont fit under just ONE of your precious categories?

i also looked up what "inattentive" means and it made me angrier. according to oxford languages, "inattentive" means "not paying attention to something", which doesnt seem too bad, right? it fits some people perfectly with their symptoms, right? but its not the definition that bugs me. its the example sentence thats used. "a particularly dull and inattentive student". basically saying that if you dont pay attention well to something, youre dull and boring.

im sorry, what? sometimes i have trouble paying attention, sure, but you ask any of my friends and they can agree i am NOT boring in any way, shape, or form. non of them would describe me as "dull". inattentive? sure, but not dull. so to call it "inattentive" adhd, instead of just add, is stupid! my friend with ADD (not fucking adhd, stupid scientists) is one of the funniest, most entertaining people ive ever met. shes an incredible artist, super smart, and knows how to make anyone laugh. does that sound dull to you? does she have problems focusing sometimes? yes. does she struggle with doing something sometimes? yes. but dont the rest of us?

my point is, when i see things like this, it pisses me off. like, unless all of the scientists who agreed "add" is an outdated term have it themselves, i refuse to believe its outdated and i will continue to say that my friend has it. she was literally diagnosed by the doctor telling her "you have attention deficit and hyperactivity disorder without the hyperactivity." THATS JUST FUCKING ATTENTION DEFICIT DISORDER YOU DUMBASS!!!

anyway, i hope im not the only one who feels this way. i just felt it necessary to get this out there. maybe someday, people wont be so dumb and single minded. in my opinion, neurodivergent people are superior in intellect and creativity, but i guess until someone like that takes over the world and dropkicks neurotypicals into the stratosphere, we'll never know.

[olderthannetfic]

I'm in a fandom with a lot of virulent antis (surprise surprise, it's heavily dark source material and I don't know why they're here at all) and a lot of the pairings that aren't the main badwrong ship on ao3 now have DNI tags on them for shippers of the badwrong ship. I guess not enough to break the TOS (no direct threats?), but still full of stuff like "x shippers DNI", "get help you freaks", "You're disgusting" etc etc.

Its just... so frustrating. Like that's a pretty red flag for me that a fic probably is going to be in an immature writing style so I probably won't read it anyway, but every time I see it I just.... heave a big sigh. Why these people are in this fandom or on Ao3 at all I'll never know. Its not even helpful - the tags are there to help describe the fic, if I didn't want to see that kind of content I could just... avoid content that's tagged that way. Why even add that to a fic that's not even about those characters at all?

Honestly, my real question is.... Olderthannetfic, how do you do it?

I feel like I do it "right", in fandom, or at least I try. I always just block and move on. I don't follow the discourse where I can help it and block a lot of the relevant tags. I keep to a small circle of folks that have the same fun brainrot I do and have fun, generally. But this kind of stuff still slips through the cracks in a way that's unavoidable if you're ever online at all. To be honest, it still hurts a lot to see each time, and be reminded that some people seem to literally want me dead over reading a story. And I can't help the doubt and the self-flagellation that creeps in. Despite my best efforts, and all my research, and living to the ripe rip van winkle tumblr fandom spinster age of 27... I sometimes have a moment where I think, maybe I really am a freak or a degenerate, or an evil predator waiting to bloom.

Do you ever experience this? Does this feeling ever go away, or at least dull to a more bearable exasperated eye roll? Do you ever see these anti idiots grow up or grow out of this mindset? Is it just a matter of time, age or experience? Is there a point at which you felt like it affected you less, or perhaps it didn't affect you like that at all? Is there a secret to navigating it calmly and with confidence? Do you have any advice to give in the, er, art of not giving a fuck?

--

Why would I quail at a stupid child on the internet after coming out as queer when I was 14 in the 90s?

I grew up with very open-minded, supportive family aside from my mother's conviction that BDSM was something people were into because they'd been abused. Even then, I remember privately snickering because I was super kinky, and wouldn't that upset her given this silly world view?

I had it easy compared to most in the 90s, but I still saw a lot of nonsense, like good old Mom on the topic of kink or murders in the media. But I also spent a lot of time reading educational sexuality books that debunked myths about fantasies and kinkiness.

Maybe a firmer grounding in sexuality stuff would help you? Nancy Friday's work on women's fantasies is a common starting point. I'm partial to The Topping Book, which is full of "it's great to be a top, actually" and not "you only do it for the sub".

Getting older does usually help though. Most 20-somethings are insecure in their sense of self. Middle age is when people's fucks generally run out, and that only continues to grow. Watch a stupid child go after some 60-something zine writer lady. She's going to laugh in their faces. Some people remain insecure forever, I suppose, but not anybody who had to woman up to be in fandom in the first place.

It's not just that these little idiots are wrong about us being predators: it's that they are the morally degenerate ones for spreading the psychological equivalent of "vaccines cause autism" or "Jews want to steal your Christian babies".

This idea that The Bad People are infiltrating our minds with their propaganda overlaps heavily with anti-semitic conspiracy theory right wing fundie nutjob ideas, and yet these young fools claim to be pro-queer and pro-civil rights. They're an embarrassment to any progressive movement and it disgusts me.

When someone goes "You're not a Christian, so you're going to hell", do you have a moment when you wonder?

Because that's the level of absurdity here.

Even if they don't bully, even if they don't include threats in their DNIs, the fact that they're spreading myths about sexuality that have been thoroughly debunked many times means they're doing something unethical, anti-intellectual, and anti-science.

I'm not afraid or guilty. I'm embarrassed for them.

--

Do antis grow out of it? Yes, frequently.

They are—either literally or functionally—victims of right wing Christian cults. They have the same trajectory of realizing they've been had and slowly trying to work through the raging guilt and religious trauma.

I have limited patience but some sympathy. Like other victims who were indoctrinated to hurt people, escaping the cult is hard. It means not only giving up your false sense of safety and all of your friends but facing what you've done.

[huraiyra]

sorry for vent posting guys you can scroll away really fast now. if youre reading this please be advised I am using a metaphor I am fine lol

but damn I do not feel like a person. I've been this way my whole life and as a teen I thought I had dependent personality disorder bc I just wanted others to make every decision for me and I would ask permission to eat or watch TV or use the bathroom even if I didn't NEED TO and people would be like why are you ASKING. and as I grew up I realised that my fear of making the wrong decision and ruining my life for myself was so stupid. I used to think if someone else ruined my life it would be okay bc at least it's not me. and others know best. but a decade later and I feel like a fucking dog being paraded around to show off its obedience and it gets disciplined when it barks and when it makes a decision against its owner it gets its leash tightened tighter and tighter till it feels like it might die. and I can't escape it. my dependence is self imposed but I can't survive on my own and maybe I learned how to think and eat on my own but I fucking suck BUT I'M WILLING TO TRY but there's no way out. I'm stuck here. what am I without my mom to control me. I'm afraid of leaving I love my home I just want to be taken care of but this leash isn't comfortably snug anymore it's starting to hurt. if I stay here there's no way I can fight them. some day they'll hold me down and have me married and then someone else will hold me down and... more imminent, soon I'll be shoeholed into another career that will damage my body again. my mom says the damage is my fault and if I cant do it I'm a worthless idiot who should die bc life is pain and that's final. but today my doctor said there's no reason to treat me for weak legs that can't stand and a brain that's spasming and making me want to off myself if I can just... quit the job that's making my body do that. how revolutionary. I'm crying freaking out bc all my parents tell me is tht theres no way out and I have to work jobs I hate bc work sucks and thats how life is and why did my doctor have to give me hope? but if I'm a dog what decision does the dog have. I don't know how to want. I don't know how to be interested in things. my depression doesn't let me like anything and bc of this I'm being controlled. maybe if I wanted something I could do it but all I want is comfort. as long as I crave only the comfort of my bed and the softness of my mother's arms holding me I have to deal with the leash. it's not a bad deal but by fuck I should not deal with this any longer. I can't force myself to leave bc I'm unemployed and psychotic and living alone—even my brother knows I'd fall into pieces from lack of money and general insanity. what the fuck do I do. I like being a pampered puppy but I'm a human and I need to accept it. no matter how psychotic I am, no matter how I've never believed I am a human, I am. my autism says I'm scared of other people and only my mom halfway gets me and I just want simplicity and depression says stay in bed and my health says I have no future and my psychosis says stay in a small ball or else everything will hurt you and my family says I need to listen to them and life is only pain and I need to embrace pain and shut the fuck up and do whatever they say or else. but I need to survive. I can't keep doing this. what do I do? dog on a leash... I can't make myself cut through it. can someone else do it please? I want a different owner. but I don't think any owner is going to be as comforting as my parents. their (prev physical and lifelong psychological) abuse is mixed with so much love I still doubt it's abuse even though I know. they've loved me as much as they're capable of and they do truly take care of me. I need to be my own owner but how the fuck. every few days I cry and want to die to end all of this bc the worst part is that after I get away from them all my problems will be worse bc I'M the problem and my parents love is the only thing keeping me in one piece. I'm a dependent pampered dog that can't run away and can't handle a leash. I just keep ruminating and ruminating and I can't do anything. what the fuck do I do?

[doodlepede]

its so funny thinking about how the way i label and think about myself has changed, lets fucking chronicle this shit shall we? for fun

4-12: girl who was way too boyish to fit in with the girls but too female to fit in with the boys and they all made sure i knew it. i don't think you gain a gender until you gain even the dimmest awareness that you're a person and i think i was like four when that happened, maybe three idk. even when i was young, i felt somewhere in-between. i oscillated between phases of overcompensating to be one of the girls or boys in turns. one year I'd wear a lot of pink with my blue, because girls rule and boys drool, am i doing this right? next year, pink is nowhere to be found because im a tomboy, and pink is so girly and lame, right?

13-15: i discovered tumblr. i discovered that being trans is a thing one can be. i am repulsed by microlabeling, and stick to macrolabels. I'm into demigirl and then demiboy for a good while, most of a year i think, but drop it. its too microlabelly. i try genderqueer for a bit, but discover pretty quick (like two or three months) that attaching a synonym for freak directly to my identity is not healthy for me. eventually, i settle into plain and simple trans boy.

16-20: no more questioning, we're done, it's figured out, im a boy, im a man, im a guy and a dude. if you imply I'm anything else, anything less than a complete man, I'll kick your ass. it's a big comfy macrolabel, lots of room to spread out, like a stereotypical big hoodie. I'm cozy.

21: :)

I'm not actually questioning my gender, I'm still perfectly comfortable in my big ol boy hoodie, I'm just also grown enough to acknowledge the grey areas i wasnt comfortable enough yet to. here's the fuckin thing, autism can affect the way you understand your identity from a young age, and you're likely to make conflations about it, such as that if neither boys or girls will accept me as one of them, maybe I'm neither, or maybe i need to overcompensate to the point that it's undeniable what side I'm on. i did both, several times, the latter in both directions. i also am straight up trans either way, i desire to medically transition, and i would even if i were the only human left on earth and had absolutely nobody to pass for. so where the line is between which gender-feeling is autism and which is transness, idkkkkk both things are inextricable from my being, existence, and experience. i dont think it super matters either, its not like being a neurotypical trans makes your gender-feelings more pure in any way. the desire to separate autisitc gender-feelings from trans gender-feelings is the same desire as microlabels, its an oroboros, I'm not interested in dividing myself into bits.

honestly if asked, i think my gender is just trans. transgender, the trans kind of gender, gender in a trans sort of way. im in my comfy boy hoodie but it's not zipped up yknow.

[rielzero]

Just a little headsup for my tiny amount of followers

idk who on here reads my webcomic or comes for my other posts, but given that my autism is currently freaking out over baldur’s gate, my energy and interest for other things is very suppressed right now. I have not gained a new hyper-fixation that has excited me to these extremes for YEARS. 

ITS ALL I CAN THINK ABOUT.

The last time this happened was when I started collecting and reading comic books (Mostly marvel.) But Marvel is very restrictive in how fruity it allows itself to be if you catch my drift. And I haven’t watched secret invasion because of the stupid AI shit they pulled. Writer’s strike/actor strike is happening. I feel very disillusioned with the MCU even if I still enjoy it.

I’m craving something more appealing right now which is much more satisfying.

I’ve been craving something like Baldur's gate for YEARS and its finally happening?? Huh?? I’ve also been very excited about developing this character for the game that I intend to play and have played in the early access. I crafted this elaborate backstory for him (Which might change a tiny bit if the character customization would have me adjust it.)

I honestly have wondered if something like this would ever happen to me again. I used to swap hyper fixations almost weekly when I was much younger, then marvel has kept my heart for a long time- and then my own stories.

I have not lost interest in those other things yet though, but looking at this realistically I cannot force myself to work on things when my brain is freaking out like this- the only result would be that my interest for something will lessen if I force myself.

Given my floppy health, and my insecurity with my webcomic (I do wish to draw more mature looking things) it might be best to put it on hiatus while I work this out with my new hyper fixation, else I’m going to break my brain.

My Warlock Character is a Half Elf Urchin named Locke, and I’ll likely be obsessing over him and bg3 for some time, and I’ll likely end up drawing tons of stuff and practice drawing certain things with it. I see this as a good time to pick up experience perhaps. Maybe some comics strips inspired by it. I’m stoked.

TLDR: My stupid gay brain too fixated on BG3, do not expect anything from me for a while, except for maybe art inspired by my soon to be BG3 playthrough(s)

COUGH also don’t be afraid to ask about my TBA Tav insert (Isn’t that what they call it?) I want to ramble about my evil blorbo so badly ASJGhgjgh

*dies* can someone revivify me thanks

[the-ace-with-spades]

Hi just wanted to drop in and say hello. It’s been a minute since I put in an ask and I was looking at some of your old posts about potential fics. Thus, I wanted to ask you about the one called ‘all the time in the world (all the love)” that’s about Ice waiting for Mav to be ready. I was just wondering if that is in the works or that’s just an idea for later maybe?

Also wanted to thank you for the new chapter of monkey pilot. I absolutely loved it and it was freaking amazing. I know it came out a bit ago and I meant to come talk about it on tumblr but I lost track of time. Thank you so much for all your hard work. I am currently distracting myself with life while I wait for slow down’s new chapter. I hope you are well and hope you know you can reach out to me anytime of you’d like too. You are never a bother.

Hey there again! Thank you so much, I absolutely love your asks/comments and I'm glad that you're enjoying my works but please don't feel obligated to every comment/send asks - I'm writing for my and everyone's enjoyment and don't expect anything else from anyone.

I have many ideas that will probably never be finished and I try not to make promises, but all the time in the world (all the love) is something that is planned, all the dialogue is written out and one of the final scene is written in total actually. I just want to finish slow down first and one of its scenes is a torture atm (the hangster breakup from Bradley's POV).

Dunno how much I said about that extra/prequel but it's a 5+1 things fic, five times Ice waited for Mav, and one time Mav realized he was ready. So it'll very much relate to what I think I told you about Mav's advice and his and Ice's relationship in the other ask reply. Scenes in it will include: Ice and Mav's first kiss, Slider being done with Ice's pinning, Mav's return from Bosnia, Ice's dad's funeral, It's not going to be very long, maybe 10k tops.

I'm glad you're enjoying like a monkey pilot, too. Both of the fics are so dear to me, I'm still surprised there are people who are reading them with the same emotions as I do.

Hope you're doing okay and thank you again for all your messages 💙

I'm also going to mention here for you and anyone else who's ever not gotten much of a response from me but I'm very bad at written communication (ironic, given I'm fic writer, yeah). I think it mostly stems from my inability to read tone from text due to adhd/autism and some trauma concerning speaking I have from childhood, but it can make me seem unapproachable and is the reason I don't partake in social media/discord. The top gun fandom and its people are majority awsome but I just don't have the psyche to participate in discussion much. I really appreciate people who keep on reaching out despite that

[italofobia]

this a vent post but also what just happened is extremely innocuous and inconsequential so ill just put it here to feel better about it hopefully maybe

i cant find my pen and its freaking me out so so so much. it's like this regular blue bic pen that i havent even used all that much since all i do in uni is dick around and write my weird novellas on my tablet and when i got it i wasnt even that fond of it because i usually only use black pens but it grew on me. and now i lost it and it's so fucking stupid to be upset about i knowwww

i just REALLY hate misplacing objects it makes me feel like such a scatterbrained idiot like "hey you cant even manage to not lose an object what if it's your keys next time what if it's your wallet next time what if you lose something really important next time and this is the first sign before it actually happens?" idk if it's an autism thing. it probably is like everything in my stupid fucking life

also this is REALLY REALLY embarrassing for me to admit ive never told this to anyone but. i kinda imagine my stationary to uh. have feelings? like it's not real of course but i dont do it willingly my mind just does this automatically. so now im imagining this blue pen lost somewhere cold and alone on my unis floor or taken by someone else or stepped on. and now that ive written it i realize how stupid it is

[autisticiyami]

crazy? i was crazy once. they locked me in a room. a rubber room. a rubber room filled with rats. th

LISTEN TO MY AUTISM-INDUCED HEADCANONS BOY. i think about him a criminal amount i have his entire life planned out to fit with that ososan repainted idea i never did anything with that goes along with 80skun. do u see the vision. no? well ill show u. welcom to my freaking twisted evil mind. rant incoming.

also im gona be hopefully updating this semi-frequently as i draw more stuff and actually feel like explaining stuff. this post will be my Iyami Autism Diary now.

i dont have specific sources on any of these rn bc im writing this on my computer and also bc its probably something i saw once and didnt bother to save or anthing so. bear with me here.

-baby iyami. loveless child. born by a mother who always knew she would be better off without him and sharing the sibling moniker with an unironic sociopath older brother. emotionally neglected and naturally socially inept due to autism, along with like.. looking like that. you know he was torn to shred by everyone. japanese kids are RUTHLESS his entire elementary/middle school experience was getting his face dragged across the concrete and his lunch money stolen. i imagine he starts to become rlly jaded and outwardly mean as a defense mechanism in like 2nd/3rd grade, finally realizing that this shit isnt all sunshines and rainbows lil bro and that no one likes him. he went to school with both honkan and kaoru, honkan he would always get into scuffles with but kaoru was like the only kid that ever genuinely attempted to be nice to iyami. read: attempted. because iyami has bpd at the ripe age of 7 and a half and screams at him whenever hes around for no reason other than that hes really scared of him being a genuinely kind person. hes a fucked up kid in a fucked up situation surrounded by nothing but apathy and misunderstanding of how he works and thinks and wants. the scar on his face comes from an incident with his older brother who i imagine got so mad at him one time that he chased iyami around with a knife threatening to slit his throat open. luckily (or probably more unluckily) he just sliced the side of his face open. that was the first and last time that iyamis mother actually worried for him. and by "worried" i mean get mad at both of them for fucking around like that and then not taking iyami to get stitches because "he'd be fine."

-iyami's highschool experience is. slightly less horrific. mostly because hes kinda just accepted that everyone in the whole world hates him and at some point realized he should just live out of spite to piss everyone else off. he never really had any career dreams mostly since the only career he realistically could have was wage slave in the city, which would be like sending him to death row for him. due to his autism and prolonged abuse from all sides, hes become kind of an expert at knowing how people work, though he doesnt necessarily understand any of it. he realizes that he would much rather be a backpeddler on the streets than a corporate slave, so when hes kicked out at like 16/17 for being literally just a curseon his mother at that point hes right out there trying to charm his way into any way to make money. first couple years were difficult, i imagine he just. didnt finish highschool due to being homeless immediately. he always had a kickass sense of style though, and maybe bc he was younger he managed to pull off charm much more successfully. honestly i dont have too many any specific ideas ab this era sowwy... bc it kinda just exists as "the part before chibita" which speaking of

-his twenties and thirties is spent like the exact same way. like the autism is strong in this one hes very content with just being the worst. but thats only because he literally sees no other way for him to live because its all hes been offered to do by life. quite fucked up! but that leaves him with a great optimism and positive "nothing in life matters!!!!" attitude. i actuallyyyyy dont know exactly how to span this next part.... but i was thinking that he met chibita when the kid was around 6 and iyami was 30. iyami just kind of... adopts him? as a weird sort of nephew. but at the same time iyami is in a perpetual state of childishness so sometimes chibita is like the parent/uncle to iyami. theyre so strange. but speaking of iyamis childishness Yeah theres some side effects of prolonged neglect and trauma since first memory surprisingly!! iyami kind of aged backwards, having to mature early to try and protect himself and keep some level of sanity, he was never really treated like a kid especially not by mother and brother or even other kids. now that he's an actual adult his brain has sort of flipped over, now stuck in a weird area of feigning immaturity in every situation that isnt immediately "life-threatening" in his eyes. all that to say that iyami is agere and is basically regressed somewhat at all times and it just varies depending on the situation.

but yeah this era. a couple years after meeting chibita he ships himself off to the city suddenly hoping to be able to make something happen there Kind of an early mid-life crisis moment. and boy it is not great! this part is where i dump the rest of trauma on him but you dont get to hear that. something something tougou's crime ring. after like a bit under a year he ends up coming back and... HOLY FUCK IS THAT A REFERENCE TO THE FIRST EPISODE OF OSOMATSU-KUN 1988??? you bet your sorry ass it is. im literally so smart they shouldve hired me to make ososan dude.

-osokun '88 era happens ig?? his old situationship behated kaoru is a cop now apparently and he's stationed right in iyami territory. quite awkward! kaoru doesnt particularly like him 1 because like. cop/criminal dichotomy first of all. 2 because iyami was a cunt to him and honkan for seemingly no reason their entire childhood and 3 iyami seems to have a really weird complex of being mean and hating kaoru currently but also obviously going out of his way to get in kaoru's way. quite immature! i explained why that is though. kaoru in his infinite sweetnes though eventually just kinda feels bad for the dude because its kinda just pathetic at this point and also because he DOES know that iyami is actually a super cute sweet guy because there was one (1) time where as a kid iyami let his guard down around kaoru and played with him at his house after school just to be completely ripped to shreds literally and figuaratively by his classmates the next day when kaoru was acting super friendly with him and iyami just kinda blamed him for it for like 20 years. VERY pathetic! but he was like 9 dude. kaoru understands this and kinda just... lets iyami wreak havoc more than he would other people partly bc he still thinks hes pretty silly.

i have a whole big episode idea of the two getting together and probably hundreds of headcanons and ideas about the two together but tbh?? im gonna spare you and keep it as paraphrased as i can manage for both of our sanities. but watch me go back and edit this post or make a new one just infodumping ab everything about them.

but like yeah ig events happen. hey do u remember iyami's "daughter" who is actually his niece because there is no fucking way in any reality that this guy has procreated?? well she comes in sometime around here becasue her father (still an untreated aspd) kind of doesnt give a shit and neither does her whore mother and they choose to dump their kid off with uncle iyami for the summers now. yay!! i also have a lot of headcanons and stuff ab her (her name is hiyori btw) but thats for another post.

iyami's family turns into basically him, his husband, and his two (sometimes three) (some not actually legit) (and one is gone when it isnt the summer) neicephews. isnt that awsome??? i cry and scream and throw up just thinking about it. sometimes iyami is the nephew but thats awesome. sometimes a family can be some gay man and an orphan that is his husband's nephew and his husband's actual niece, his husband's lesbian best friend that is basically an aunt at this point, and his husband who is sometimes also his nephew/child because of cptsd and they are all autistic. truly beautiful stuff.

and yeah thats. that. like i said i'll be updating this with better explanations of stuff and hopefully actual art But this works for now!!!! no one wanted this but the world got it anyway. you can thank me later.

[yuukei-yikes]

i was gonna assign kido to be garnet (leader, quiet-stoic autism type) but that would make kano amethyst (shape shifting, mischief) and leave seto as pearl....... actually no maybe that could work ?? anyway thinking about drawing some kind of screenshot from the Steven universe opening like this that's why im even trying to assign roles lmao

Bro i forgot i even made that su post and read this half awake like what... is this person talking about.. and then it hit me

ANYWAYS. those roles seem fitting!! but if i were to make an au I'd take some liberties and wouldnt necessarily go by the same roles as canon?? like idk, for example mekatrio acting as parent figures to mary would be weird so it wouldn't rly be like that. when i say au i mean vibes and concepts mostly🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥

but also kano and ayano fit a lot of pearl and rose situations (minus the romantic aspect DUH!!!!) bc like. heh. everything i did i did for her. now she's gone. but I'm still here. ratio + im always thinking of a drift away kano and ayano animatic... ok thats spinel not pearl but still. The themes of grief in su appear a lot in kagepro according to me and my delusions

also ratio + harutaka is lapidot. not bc they fit their personalities either (they dont) its rather they fit other stuff. takane fits all the tech stuff + limb enhancers then being without it and freaking out and haruka. erm. stuck in an empty place doomed to be an spectator for god knows how long. YESSSS but duh again they dont fit the dynamic or personalities so AGAIN i wouldnt just decide its a rigid au where u assign roles

momo, shintaro hibiya and hiyori would be humans i think but. if not i like hibiya and hiyori as a ruby and a sapphire respectively and momo and shintaro?? idk. they have human vibes. whatever that means

[ionizingdotjpeg]

dear evan hansen ship ranking

//NO PUNCTUATION. NOT SPELL CHECKED. SUPER DUMB AND RAMBLY. I AM NOT TAKING THIS SERIOUSLY LAWLZ

PREFACING THIS BY SAYING THAT IM ONLY GNA DO THE 5 MAIN GUYS PPL SHIP. yknow. them. so no miguel sorry i havent read the manga or wtver also im leaving out the icky gross ships ok lets go!!

S

sincerely three: EYUCK!! I HATE THOSE GUYS. GROSS. /a fucking lie. i really like the idea of a stupid love triangle plot but it turns out they actually are gay for eachother and are poly. Also i am a sucker for ships where all the characters are fucking losers. cringefail squad

treebros: idk i think its cute. Maybe gay for forever animatics have rotten my brain but i think they can fix each other and make each other worse simultaneously and i find that so interesting. i dont think they’d be ‘toxic’ but i think they’d be a bit unhealthy. go to THERAPY you WEIRDOS!!! Also autism x autism + bpd realness

klienphy: WORST COUPLE WVER… STAY AWAY FROM EACH OTHER FREAKS. /positive like I am so insane about them but not like in a literary analysis way in a HOLY SHIT THIS IS SO FUNNY way.

A

kliensen: one of the more interesting ships. if i was looking at these objectively kliensen n bandtrees would be higher because zoe and jared are… actual characters. however, i am not as autistic about these 2 as i am about the S tier shipz.

Evlana?? whatevs: it’s cute. idk what else o say. i wouldn’t say that i ship it but it’s really cute.

Conlana??? Lannor?? what is the ship name: really like em, even though i heavily prefer them platonically i like the idea of connor like.. somewhat tolerating alana and alana wanting to be his friend. something something themes of alienation something.

Specifically Platonic phyklien (my very own name for zoe x jared): SO REAL. i think zoe would find him insufferable but put up with him because they are besties and best friends and they make friendship bracelets and skip down happy trails while the sun is shinibga nd theres rainbows and flowers and

B

bandtrees: cute. i like more it more platonically/evan just admiring zoe but romantic bandtrees is real too

galaxy gals: i think they could be really interesting if people actually like payed attention to them instead of mashing them together because they already paired off all the others.

i am a aro zoe truther so most zoe ships are going to be lower. sorry.

alana jared evan connor polycule (i call this one TCP): ok so i have thought about this ship exactly ONCE and it was for a silly lighthearted au where alana jared and evan try and help connor not be a total asswipe and i thought it was kinda funny so here ya go.

C

all of the ships that i don’t dislike but dont think much about: cool.

D

treebros but specifically the way the wider fandom portrays them… YOU DO NOT UNDERSTAND THEM LIKE I DO!! i hate them being watered down to the generic bad boy x uwu shy baby I WILL EXPLODE YOU!!!! i also hate hyperprotective connor FUCK YOU!!!!!! DESTROYING YOU WITH MY MIND BEAMS!! I know since conar is fucking dead theres alot of ways to interpret them but this one is the worst.