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pen-paper-and-ink · 3 years

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Champagne Problems

Chapter Three

Masterlist

Sam eventually went to back to his own apartment around noon, leaving Aelin with plenty of time to focus on her English assignment. Instead of a final test in English, there was a final paper, and Aelin was struggling with what words to put down.

She knew the book inside and out; the words just were not coming to her today. She could usually just sit at her computer and let the words flow out of her, but that was not happening. She eventually just went back and skimmed through her outline, getting herself to refocus. She finally gave up a half an hour later and resorted to texting Rowan.

“Want to come over and study. I’ll order takeout from Emry’s. It will be just like old times.”

The response came only seconds later. “I’d love too, but some of us have class in an hour.”

She could practically here the snort in his reply. “Could you possibly skip this class and study with me instead?”

“I would but it’s the last class before the final, and I need the review.”

“Boo. You suck.” She emphasized with an emoji that was sticking its tongue out at him.

“See you later, Ace :)”She swore he refused to use emoji’s just to spite her.

When she was finally done pouting, she eventually pulled her phone back out to text Lysandra, who easily agreed to come over. Although Lysandra was not diligent as Rowan when it came to studying and making study schedules, she was better than nothing, especially when Aelin was having trouble concentrating.

She showed up to Aelin’s apartment wearing an oversized fuzzy pink sweater and a pair of black leggings, as well as two chocolate bars. She might now be Aelin’s favorite person.

She definitely was not Aelin’s favorite person the first time they met, though. They were both petty and stubborn and got along about as well as cats getting a bath. That eventually changed the march of their freshmen year, when Aelin chased off a shady guy who was trying to follow a very drunk Lys into the bathroom at a frat house. Lysandra had been her constant companion since then, especially when it came to topics including clothes and boys.

“Hello, Babe,” Lysandra chirped happily as she strode into Aelin’s apartment. She shrugged off her bag and dropped the candy onto her plush sofa. Aelin went to wrap her harms around Lysandra who returned the gesture. “I brought chocolate as a study motivator for the both of us, but you already smell of candy.”

Aelin groans. “Shut up. Sam bought me this perfume, it’s his favorite.”

“Mhm,” Lysandra hums giving Aelin a conspiratorial grin, “I think he like’s that you’re his own personal snack.” Lysandra says wiggling her eyebrows.

Aelin only rolled her eyes at her friend, “whatever.”

“You smell good, babe, just really sweet. Even sweeter than that bath and body works body spray that everyone bathed their selves in in middle school, if that’s even possible. But I think he likes that. How many times has he bitten your neck when you have been wearing it?” Lysandra asked with further eyebrow wiggling.

“You’re way too into our love life. How long has it been since you’ve had date?” This time it was Aelin’s turn to wiggle her eyebrows.

“It’s been a while,” Lysandra moans loudly, but she turns her grin back onto Aelin, “but you didn’t answer my question.”

Aelin sighs loudly and slumps back onto her couch. “It’s not like he does it often.”

Lysandra snickers and she lounges next to Aelin. “So, I see it’s getting pretty serious. I even saw the picture he keeps of you in his wallet.”

“In his wallet?” Aelin snorts. “I didn’t think that people still did that. I thought the real milestone of a serious relationship was making a picture of your significant other your home screen on your phone.”

“Yes, you relationship guru. Are you ready to study now?”

. . .

It turns out that Lysandra was the perfect person to get Aelin to finish her English paper. About two hours after Lysandra arrived, Aelin had finished her paper, submitted it, and was able to eat her chocolate bar as a reward. They then watched a shitty romcom on Netflix until Lysandra had to leave for her evening class.

That now left Aelin plenty of time to get ready to go to the Cadre’s for the night. It also gave Aelin some time to harass Rowan about his class.

“How was class?” Aelin texted.

“Good. Did you finally finish your paper, you demon? Bribing me with Emry’s and everything.” Rowan replied.

“I finished it and submitted it and everything. I even ate a celebratory chocolate bar without you.” She brags.

“I just wanted you to know that I am rolling my eyes at you.” Was his only response.

“Would it kill you to just use the emoji?” Aelin demanded.

“Yes.” Well at least she had her answer.

“See you at the Cadre’s in a few hours or so?” She inquired.

“Yes,” was once again his only response. Boys, Aelin thought rolling her eyes. What was with boys and their one-word answers. With that, Aelin pulled up Spotify on her TV to blast some music as she prepared for her night.

She was having fun running around her apartment sing- screaming the lyrics to Teenage Dirtbag as she prepared dinner and tidied up her apartment. Pop-rock and other angsty songs which she listened to as a teenager, always brought back fond memories. Her friends always made fun of her emo music in high school, so she decided to switch to some more mainstream stereotypical party music when hanging out with her college friends. The mainstream stuff like Doja Cat and Cardi B, stuff that was always playing loudly at clubs and house parties.

Aelin also had a soft spot for love songs and romantic ballads. Frank Sinatra always reminded her of her parents spinning around their living room on a weeknight. She always thought that they were disgustingly in love. Always holding hands and kissing in front of her and her friends. Aelin now regrets giving them crap about it, especially since the time they had together ended up being cut short.

She ends up eating her frozen pasta dinner over the kitchen island as she hummed along to an old fall out boy song. She went to check her phone and saw a message from Sam which simply asked if she was going to be at the Cadre’s in an hour, she sent back a simple yes as a response and finished up her dinner. Once she was done, she decided that it was probably time to get dressed for the night.

Aelin loved getting dressed up. She found it calming. Once she picked out an outfit she would methodically paint her face and do her hair. She scanned her overflowing closet, her gaze gliding over black cocktail dresses, sportswear, blazers, sun dresses, and band T’s. She decided on a pair of skinny jeans and an oversized concert t-shirt since she just wanted to wear something simple, and the Cadre’s was a fairly run-down dive bar, though Aelin didn’t mind being overdressed, she loved her clothes and wasn’t afraid to show off and look fabulous doing so.

Once she was dressed, she went into her bathroom to do her makeup. She blended concealer and foundation into her skin, and painstaking lined her eyes with black liquid liner. She had decided on a classic cat eye with red lips, something you could never go wrong with. She reached down for her tube of lipstick then remembered that Sam got kind of soppy and romantic when he was drunk and reached for a liquid lip instead.

She then quickly curled her hair and accessed her appearance. Her skin was flawless, her eyebrows were groomed to perfection, the eyeliner accentuated her blazing blue-gold eyes wonderfully, and her crimson red lips went well with the look. Her golden hair was voluminous in big beach waves, she overall was pleased with her appearance, especially after spending the entire day in lounge wear studying. It felt good to be put together after a day of lounging around her apartment while trying to write. Overall Aelin thought she looked hot as fuck.

She quickly pulled on her heeled black booties, grabbed her bag and she was out the door.

. . .

The bar was so loud, the baseline of the song that was playing was all that could be heard. Lysandra had left the group about an hour in, to go flirt with some guy she had met previously that night and had eventually went home with him, after checking in with Aelin. Aelin dutifully took down the guys information, with Lys promising to check in with her later in the evening. That left Aelin to hang with the guys.

They had all gathered tonight. Sam, Lorcan, Conall, Fenrys, Rowan, and Aelin. They had all had a few rounds and were now all laughing over stupid shit, even Lorcan, who Aelin didn’t know could even laugh before tonight.

They were all giddy over the thought of finishing the school year. Rowan, Lorcan, and Sam were all graduating in a week, and Aelin and the twins were officially 75% done with their education. There was a lot to celebrate and drink to.

Aelin’s thigh was pressed against Rowan’s in the booth as they started arguing over which actor was the best Spiderman. That was the one habit they had kept from the time when they hated each other, the arguing. Rowan and Aelin were known to argue over everything, though now the disagreements were over trivial things and mostly just involved teasing. Rowan was arguing in favor of Tobey Maguire, which Aelin made gagging noises over when he finally confessed as to who her thought the best actor was.

“I’m sorry to inform you,” Aelin started, elbow on the table starring up at her best friends face, “That we cannot be friends anymore. I simply cannot be friends with anyone who thinks that Tobey Maguire makes a better Spiderman than Tom Holland. That’s blasphemous, and I will not stand for it.”

“You can’t mess with the original, Ace.” Rowan responds looking serious. “He just cannot be beat.”

“Yeah, Ace.” Conall responds, apparently feeling the need to weigh in on their argument. Rowan frowns at him, no doubt from the fact that Conall called her Ace, which usually only Rowan called her that, with the exclusion of Sam who had recently gone about calling her that. Rowan has always felt a little possessive over the name Ace.

“No, No, No,” Fenrys butts in, his words slurring slightly, “I agree with Aelin. Tom Holland is simply the best. Also, have you seen his lip sync battle? Tell me Tobey Maguire could pull that off. I dare you.”

“He can’t,” Aelin laughs, “He simply can’t.”

“I also agree that Tom Holland is the best Spiderman.” Sam says with a sly smile.

Rowan frowns at him. “You’re only agreeing with Aelin because she’s your girlfriend.”

Sam laughs, gets up and slides onto the opposite booth and sits next to Aelin, “No, no one can compete with Holland’s acting chops.” He says as he throws his arm around Aelin’s shoulders.

“There’s only one way to decide then,” Conall says with a smirk. “Lorcan must be the deciding vote.”

Aelin and Fenrys both protest loudly, claiming Lorcan had no taste, and that Lorcan would choose Maguire just to spite them.

Rowan shuts the protests up by turning to Lorcan and asking for his vote.

Lorcan looks sheepishly around before he says, “I actually think Andrew Garfield plays the best Spiderman.”

The group eventually quiets back down, as the night begins to come to an end. Lorcan was the first one to head out, claiming he had a final tomorrow. Fenrys left soon after, receiving a text from a semi-frequent hook-up asking him to come over. Conall then convinced Sam to play darts with him, beating Sam every round. Sam still seemed to be enjoying himself though, laughing every time he missed one of the rings, and once the board entirely. Aelin never understood why bar owners thought it was a good idea to put a dart board in the middle of drunk men with questionable aim, but who was she to question it.

Sam and Conall’s questionable game of darts did, however, leave Aelin and Rowan alone for the first time that night. Aelin had been missing spending time with her best friend. It seemed that every time they tried to get together, outside of their morning runs, they were busy or surrounded by other people.

“So, how are you Buzzard?” Aelin asks with a slow smile.

“How are you, fireheart?” Rowan asks, far too seriously for the night they have been having.

Aelin’s heart begins to pound loudly in her chest. He hardly ever called her that, only when he was feeling particularly affectionate.

“All’s good.” She replied, still smiling. Her heart pounded faster still when his fingers brushed against her cheek.

“An eyelash had fallen.” Was all Rowan said, still gazing at her with an intense stare.

“Oh.” Aelin said, “I hadn’t noticed.”

Rowan only gave her a sad smile as he stood up. He ended up tripping while trying to remove himself from his seat, which made her burst out laughing. Rowan, who was usually graceful to a fault, had tripped. He was more drunk than she had initially thought, he must be excited to be graduating.

“Do you need help?” Aelin asked.

“I am fine.” Rowan growled back.

“Are you sure about that?” Aelin asked, trying to hide her laughter. “You seem a little unsteady on your feet.”

“I’m fine, I’m going to head home for the night.” Rowan said, regaining his balance and his usual stoic expression. He grabbed his jacket from where he had been sitting.

“How about you come home with me,” Aelin offered. “You seem a bit unsteady there, Buzzard.”

“I’m fine,” Rowan said again. “I’ll get a cab. Goodnight.” Rowan threw her one last smile, then exited the bar, never bothering to turn back.

. . .

The dreams usually began with a dizzying array of colors, then quickly moved on to flashes of memory. Her heart begins to pound so loudly she can hear it in her head, in her dreams. Once her senses are overwhelmed with the shadow of memories and the deafening sound of her own heartbeat, is when she would stop breathing. The lack of air is what usually wakes her from her slumber.

Aelin Galathynius quickly padded across the floor of her bedroom to her bathroom, closing the door behind her, where she then vomited into the toilet. She always made sure the door to the bathroom was closed and locked, so Sam could not hear her, or accidently open the bathroom door in the middle of the night to find her lying on the floor next to the toilet.

After Aelin was done emptying the contents of her stomach into the toilet, she slumped down onto the floor. The cool tile against her back, where her loose sleep camisole did not cover, always seemed to ground her. The hot flashes, the insanity from the dreams and then the vomiting always began to dissipate once she felt the cool tile against her body.

She laid on the floor for a while, breathing in and out and waiting for her pulse to return to normal. The memories she tried to escape during her day, where always ruthlessly unleashed during the night, pursuing her where she could not escape them. Although she couldn’t escape the dreams and memories, they were significantly better within the last few years, only occurring every once in a while, instead of every night.

Aelin thought back to her freshmen year, where she would drink all night long, or get into fights, just to try to stay awake just a little longer so she wouldn’t have to face what was waiting in her subconscious. Aelin was good at that, pushing things away, not examining anything too closely in case it might trigger a panic attack.

Aelin would eventually have to get up, brush her teeth and make her way back to bed where her loving boyfriend was sleeping, but she allowed herself to rest for a moment more on the floor. Though Sam knew what happened when she was eighteen in veiled terms, and through short bursts of vulnerability, she couldn’t get herself to admit to him that she still had panic attacks, and nightmares from her previous years. In fact, the only person who knew she still suffered through them was Rowan.

Rowan was her constant star and steadfast companion when it came to the pain of suddenly losing someone. He was also well aware of the way she tried to deal with it afterward, for that was how they found each other. They were both so wrapped up in their grief and their own self destruction that they couldn’t see the other person in front of them. When Aelin pulled her head out of her ass, as Aedion called it, and finally called a truce with Rowan, and later became friends with him, is when Aelin realized that they had the same grief festering inside them. They also had the same self-destructive streak, so they vowed to find their way out of the madness and grief together.

For a moment Aelin wished Rowan was with her, gently coaxing her get up and brush her teeth, rubbing his hand on her back soothingly, waiting for her pulse to slow back down. Rowan always knew how to reach her, how to soothe her.

Aelin slowly got up, and eventually made her way back to her sleeping boyfriend who was unaware that anything had happened. She tried to fall asleep next to her boyfriend, but she couldn’t, she was too busy wishing Rowan was beside her with his soothing touch luring her back to sleep.

Taglist

@rowaelinismyotp

#champagne problems #celaena sardothien #aelin ashryver galathynius #aelin galythinius #rowan whitethorn #rowaelin #rowaelin fanfiction #sam cortland #throne of glass #tog #au #lorcan salvaterre #lysandra ennar #fenrys moonbeam #connall moonbeam

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clumsyclifford · 3 years

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OKAY. how about "This wasn’t meant to be a date, but we’ve had such a good time and now it’s 2 a.m. and I should really go home…" with ur teacher alex/ambiguous office job jack? (or any version of jalex) (we just love jalex in this house)

well hello, she said casually, nine months later. thank you for the excellent prompt, sorry it took me so long to get to it, but you can thank yourself for that too considering going to ssf is what inspired me to finally write this one. bellawritess clumsyclifford pictures is proud to present: the tshirt jalex meet-cute :)

read here on ao3

Later, Alex learns that the boy at the barricade who’d elbowed Alex in the face trying to snatch the thrown guitar pick out of the air is named Jack.

“I’m so sorry,” Jack says for the millionth time, even though Alex has laughed it off every other time. He laughs it off this time, too.

“Seriously, it’s fine. And hey, you caught it.”

Jack holds up the guitar pick, triumphant. “I did catch it,” he says. The blink-182 logo flashes its dead and frozen smile at Alex. Alex finds himself smiling back, though not so much at the pick.

The leaving crowd parts around the two of them. Headlights flood the night, filling the street before them with light and noise. There’s a line of cars backed up further than Alex cares to imagine. Those at the front must have left the show significantly before the set was over. Quitters.

“What I didn’t catch was your name,” Jack adds. His lips quirk, like he’s proud of such a smooth line.

“Alex,” says Alex. “We should probably get out of everyone’s way. Are you waiting for someone, or…?”

“No, no, I came alone.”

“Yeah, me too. Was supposed to have a friend but he bailed on me last-minute.”

“Seriously? Bailed on a blink concert?”

“I know, right?” Alex grins. “Eh, whatever. If he’d been here you probably never would have elbowed me in the face and then we’d never have met.”

“But I would’ve never elbowed you in the face,” Jack says. “Don’t you think you’d have preferred that?”

“Not if it means we’d have never met.”

Jack’s smile slowly grows. “Fair enough. Did you know there’s a 24-hour diner literally five minutes from here?”

“Oh, man, I like the way you think,” Alex says, shoving his hands into his pockets to protect them from the cool late-night breeze. “I didn’t want to sit in this traffic anyway.”

“And I don’t blame you.”

“Well, lead the way,” Alex says, nodding down the sidewalk, and he falls into step with Jack as they both start to walk.

The Tastee Diner is charmingly diner-y — neon lights, stools at the bar, the whole nine yards — and, more attractively, it’s mostly empty at this hour. It’s past midnight, later even than Alex’s usual bedtime, but between the buzz from the concert and Jack the attractive stranger across from him, he’s not really feeling tired. If he’s going to flush his sleep schedule down the drain, a post-concert Friday night seems like the best time to do it.

And Jack is really cute. So that helps.

“Breakfast,” Alex says reverently when they’re seated. “Oh my God, a fucking giant waffle.”

“Wow, everything you say makes me like you more,” Jack says, leaning his elbows on the table. Alex glances over the top of his menu but Jack’s eyes are focused on his own menu on the tabletop. He’s smiling a little. So is Alex.

“It’s a giant waffle, Jack! How the fuck do I say no to that?”

“You don’t. This table is pro-giant waffle. At the exclusion of anything else.”

“You’re damn right it is,” Alex says. “Do we also happen to be pro-chocolate milkshake?”

“We’re pro-vanilla milkshake.”

“Ew, seriously?”

Jack rolls his eyes. “Yeah, yeah, I know, how can I like vanilla when chocolate is right there—”

“Yeah, how can you?” Alex reaches over the table and covers Jack’s hand with his own. Their eyes meet. Very seriously, Alex says, “How do you look at yourself in the mirror, you monster?”

A beat. Jack chews his lip, clearly trying not to smile. “With great difficulty,” he says. He’s humoring Alex, but sincerity sparkles in his deep brown eyes. His earnest gaze holds Alex’s and he doesn’t pull his hand away. After a moment, Alex does.

“Well, if I looked like you I’d never stop looking in the mirror,” he says instead, and brings his gaze back to the menu. A laugh escapes Jack.

“You can’t turn it off, can you?”

“Turn what off?”

“Your flirty brain-to-mouth pipeline?”

“I could,” Alex says breezily. “I choose not to.” It feels like a subtle rejection, a quiet dig, but it’s hard to be sure. Jack’s smirk seems to suggest otherwise.

The waitress comes by to take their orders of two giant waffles and two milkshakes — chocolate for Alex, vanilla for Jack, though Alex is sure to give Jack a judgmental look as he’s ordering. When she goes, Jack laces his fingers together and leans back in the booth. “So,” he says. “Your name is Alex, you’ve got fantastic music taste, and you seem to be more or less my age, but that’s about all I know about you. Are you from around here? What do you do? Likes, dislikes?”

“Are you trying to build me a dating profile?”

“That wouldn’t be very opportunistic of me, would it?” Jack smiles innocently. Alex’s heart gives a little leap. “I’m trying to get to know you. You know, like any normal stranger would if they found themself at a diner with another stranger.”

That’s fair. They are effectively strangers, although Alex can think of a shorter word to describe what they’re doing right now. He glances around at the jukebox-esque machine bolted to the wall next to their booth, at the empty swivel stools at the bar, at the marble tabletop where Jack is absently tapping his fingers. The decor of the diner is very classic, and he and Jack, both dressed in blink merch and black jeans like the perpetual emo teens they’re no doubt trying to emulate, stick out like sore thumbs.

However unintentional, it sure as hell feels like a date to him.

“I’m from Baltimore,” he starts. Jack lights up.

“No shit! Me too.”

“Really? Whereabouts?”

“Well, I work by the harbor.”

“No shit, I work in Highlandtown,” Alex says excitedly. “Highlandtown Middle. I’m a teacher.”

Jack whistles lowly. “That’s fucking awesome. What do you teach?”

“Music,” Alex says, and Jack groans, although he’s smiling as his hands move to cover his face.

“Of course you do,” he says.

Alex tilts his head. “What, are you not a fan of music teachers? That’s insane.”

“No, no, it’s not that, it’s just.” Jack laughs. “Of course the hot guy I meet at a blink-182 concert is a middle school music teacher. I feel like God is punishing me for refusing to play anything but bad drums in middle school band.”

Alex also laughs. Being called a hot guy by a hot guy is making his stomach do gymnastics. He’s too old for his stomach to be doing things like that, but his stomach clearly doesn’t care. “Well, if I’d been your teacher, trust me, you’d have been playing solidly mediocre drums. But I’m sorry you feel that way.”

Jack’s hands fall to his lap. “I’m sure I’ll get over it,” he says with a slanted smile.

Alex swallows and grins. “So did you look up surrounding diners before you came, or are you just…inexplicably familiar with Silver Spring geography?”

“I come to a lot of concerts here,” Jack says, nodding in the general direction of the venue they’d just vacated. “Venue’s awesome.”

“Yeah, it really is. Honestly, I’m still amazed that you caught that pick.”

“I have a lot of practice. From aforementioned many concerts.”

“I can see that.”

“Trust me, it’s a very specific skill. I’ve got awful hand-eye coordination,” Jack says with a chuckle. “My dream of being the youngest Oriole inducted into the Hall of Fame was crushed at a young age.”

Fizzy champagne fills Alex’s chest. He can’t stop smiling. “Fuck yes, you’re an Orioles fan?”

“That’s my team,” Jack says, looking excited. Possibly at the prospect of meeting another person who’s equally interested in both music and baseball. That’s why Alex is excited, anyway.

“It’s my team,” he says enthusiastically. “I mean, don’t get me wrong, they fucking suck—”

“Oh, no, yeah, they’re the worst—”

“But I’d take a bullet for them. I happily go down with ‘em every year.”

“Yeah, they’re my boys,” Jack agrees. “Here’s hoping this season is better than every single other one.”

“Yeah, all my fingers are crossed, but between you and me I don’t have a lot of faith.”

Jack shrugs and nods. “It’s good for my ego to be so loyal to such a bad team. Keeps me humble.”

“That’s the best attitude I’ve ever heard,” Alex says, and Jack’s smile is so radiant Alex could swear he can feel the glare off the shiny marble tabletop.

“Between ‘All The Small Things’ and ‘Going Away To College’ how the fuck am I going to choose ‘Small Things’?”

“Yeah, but it’s such a classic! ‘College’ is, like, emo and…emo.”

“No more emo than ‘I Miss You’ —”

“That one is a classic—”

“I’m not saying it’s not, I’m just saying ‘College’ is their best song and it deserves its spotlight.”

“That’s ‘Feeling This’ erasure and you know it.”

“Besides ‘Feeling This,’ but they always play ‘Feeling This.’ I stand by what I said. I’d swap ‘Small Things’ for ‘College.’ Deal with it.” Alex tongues his milkshake straw into his mouth. “Your turn.”

Jack glares at him for another long moment, like he has to properly make his point about it. “Fine,” he finally huffs. His gaze shifts sideways, off into the distance like he’s thinking, and he swirls his own straw around his milkshake cup. Alex can kind of see his reflection in it. While Jack is thinking, Alex quickly checks his phone.

(21:47) Rian Dawson: How’s the concert? Fuckin bummed I couldn’t make it :/

(21:48) Rian Dawson: Hope you’re having a good time anyway. Text me whenever you get home so I know you didn’t die or get trampled by a mosh pit or whatever the case may be.

Alex smiles and turns off his phone again.

“I feel like I can’t choose a song off Enema now that you did,” Jack mumbles.

“You can,” Alex says. “It would just be kind of a lot of Enema.”

“No, but Enema is a legendary album. I’d go to a show that was literally just all of Enema.”

“Why were you complaining about ‘College’ then!”

“I’m not complaining about ‘College’ itself, I just would never trade it for ‘Small Things’!”

Alex scoffs. “They play ‘Small Things’ all the time. I’ve never seen ‘College’ live. I’d literally kill.”

“Oh my God, I know what I’d do,” Jack says. “‘Shut Up’ instead of ‘Down.’ That’s the only thing that could make this set list more perfect.”

“Ohhh,” Alex says, “that would be fucking sick. Imagine two thousand people just shouting ‘shut the fuck up, she said’ at the top of their lungs.”

“I cannot think of anything cooler than that.”

Alex hums thoughtfully. “So you went with Take Off Your Pants instead of Enema in the end.”

“Alright, don’t get it twisted. If I could add the entirety of Enema to the set list, I would. But if I only get one song, it has to be ‘Shut Up.’ More Enema is never a bad thing.”

“Why wouldn’t you trade ‘College’ for ‘Down’ then?”

“Because that was your set list move, and this is mine,” Jack says. He slaps the table. “Yeah. This is the answer. Someone get Mark Hoppus on the line, stat. I have to tell him I’ve figured out the formula for the perfect set list.”

“‘Shut Up’ live would be awesome,” Alex concedes. “Good move.”

“What can I say, I have extremely good taste,” Jack says airily.

Alex snorts. “Okay, Vanilla Milkshake.”

“You’re just afraid to taste it because you know deep down that it will be better than your chocolate one,” Jack says, pointing his straw accusingly at Alex. Drops of milkshake fall onto the table. Alex sweeps a napkin over the mess.

“You had an advantage over me, though,” he observes. “You said your favorite blink song is ‘Feeling This,’ which was already on the set list. My favorite song wasn’t, so my hands were kind of tied.”

“It’s among my favorite blink songs,” Jack says. “I have many. Most of which are set list staples, yeah. But that’s on you for only having one favorite song.”

“Wait, what? You can’t have many favorites, that defeats the whole point of having a favorite.”

“I can have multiple favorites, what the fuck are you talking about?”

“No way, man. You only get to have one favorite. You can have second-favorites or close favorites but there’s always one that’s better than the rest.”

“Sorry to burst you bubble, Al, but I have more than one favorite blink song,” Jack says, shrugging. “I also have more than one favorite color and more than one favorite food and more than one favorite song.”

Alex shakes his head through Jack’s speech. “I reject this out of hand.”

“You can’t.”

“Well, Clearly Enema is your favorite blink album.”

“Tied with Take Off.”

“Seriously?” Alex narrows his eyes. “Come on, there must be one thing you have just one favorite of.”

“Yeah, there is,” Jack says. “My favorite movie is Home Alone. No other movie comes anywhere close.”

Of course it is. Alex grins and inclines his head in accordance. “That…is extremely good taste.”

“Thank you,” Jack says graciously, and slurps loudly from his milkshake.

The next time Alex checks his phone, his brain takes a moment to catch up. “Holy shit, it’s already one a.m.?”

“Oh shit,” Jack says, checking his phone as well. “Time flies when you’re having fun.”

That adage has never felt more true. Slowly working through giant waffles and milkshakes while exchanging questions and random conversational topics with Jack has been the most fun Alex has had in a long time. Diners, he muses. There’s something about diners. Time feels frozen within these walls, and Alex kind of wants to stay in the time bubble forever, laughing with Jack until the sun comes up.

He could do it. Tomorrow’s a Saturday. Nobody works on Saturday, not even Jack at his “boring office job” (his words).

But he knows there’s a reason that nothing gold can stay. It wouldn’t be valuable if it lasted forever. The night will crystallize as something special in Alex’s memory, but it can’t do that until it ends. And it has to end eventually.

“We should probably go,” Alex says reluctantly. Jack nods once.

“Yeah,” he says. He signals for the check and looks back at Alex. “My treat.”

“Uh, no way. I’m paying.”

“Nope, not happening. I will elbow you in the face again if I have to. I’m paying this check.”

“Jack—” Alex wavers. Jack looks so insistent, eyebrows raised like he’s daring Alex to argue, and there’s nothing to do but smile. “Okay. If you insist. We’ll call it even for you assaulting me earlier.”

“Exactly,” Jack says, and he happily accepts the check when the waitress hands it to him.

“Did you guys get everything you need?” she asks the two of them.

Alex glances at Jack, but Jack’s scanning the check. “Pretty much, yeah,” he tells the waitress. She leaves them with the check, and they vacate their table to go pay it at the front.

Alex wonders what someone might think if they saw this table. Whether anyone could even begin to illustrate the story of the night using only two empty milkshake cups and two plates that formerly held waffles. It would be impossible. Not even Sherlock Holmes could work this one out.

Alex smiles. They’re a fossil in amber, preserved in memory. Even if it turns out not to be a date, Alex knows he’ll look back on tonight fondly, and he can count on this exact same smile every time he does.

Jack finishes paying and turns to face Alex. One arm outstretched, he says, “Shall we?”

Alex links their arms. “After you, good sir.”

They’re laughing as they leave in a glow of neon light.

“This is me,” Alex says, gesturing half-heartedly at his car. They both stop short behind it.

“Ah,” Jack says, nodding. “So I guess this is where I leave you.”

Alex swallows. “I’m glad you elbowed me in the face,” he admits, which sounds strange to say out of the blue. “I had a good time tonight.”

“What, at the concert?”

Jack is obviously teasing, but Alex doesn’t mind being more clear. “Actually, I think I had more fun after the concert,” he says, smiling a little. “You’re good company, JB.”

Jack smiles, and if Alex isn’t mistaken, he’s also blushing. “Same to you,” he says. “Despite your wrong opinions about the set list.”

“I hate sounding like a cliché,” Alex says, ruffling a hand through his hair. Jack cocks his head. “But, um, I’d like to see you again. If that’s okay.”

“So okay,” Jack says. “And totally plausible, considering we apparently live within twenty minutes of each other.”

“True,” Alex says. “The universe really wanted us to meet, I guess.”

“Thank you, Universe, for putting Alex in harm’s way,” Jack says solemnly, looking upwards. Alex laughs. “Can I have your number?”

“Yeah, yes, of course.”

Alex recites his phone number for Jack to enter into his contacts. “I promise I’ll call,” Jack says. His gaze flits around Alex’s face like it can’t find a good place to land. He drags his index finger diagonally over his chest. “Cross my heart and everything.”

“I have to ask,” Alex says, shifting on his feet. “Were you— was this supposed to be a date?” He hesitates; maybe that’s the wrong question. “Was it a date?”

“For the sake of anniversaries, let’s say yes,” Jack says. Immediately his face puckers in regret. “Pretend I didn’t say that. I’m— my brain gets ahead of me.”

“No, it’s all good.” It’s more than good; there’s a horde of butterflies in Alex’s ribcage that won’t fucking quit, not now that he knows Jack is thinking of anniversaries when this is only maybe their first date. A person who is not only anticipating a future for them but preparing to celebrate it. So far, so fucking good. “You’re a practical thinker. I can appreciate that.”

“And I appreciate that you aren’t deleting your number from my phone even after I just said that to you,” Jack says, grinning. His grin melts away when he sighs. “I should go. It’s late.”

“Yeah,” Alex echoes. “Late.”

“Please drive safe,” Jack says seriously. “If I’m the last person to see you before you die, that’ll make me look really bad.”

Alex laughs. He likes that Jack keeps making him laugh. His friends make him laugh, too, but Jack makes him laugh in a different way, like he can’t stop himself. Like the delight refuses to stay trapped.

“I promise to drive safe,” he vows. “I owe you a date. I would hate to lose the chance to impress you.”

“Oh, wait, that reminds me.” Jack reaches into his pocket and presses something into Alex’s hand. It’s the guitar pick, warm from Jack’s pocket. “You’ll probably use it more than me,” Jack explains, ducking his head. “You know, being a music teacher and all.”

“Oh,” Alex breathes, flipping the pick in his palm. “That’s, um…thank you. Thanks. I’m…”

“Yeah,” Jack says, licking his lips. “Of course. Um, okay, now I really should go. But like I said, I’ll call.”

Alex nods, still staring at the guitar pick in his hand. His head snaps up and he breaks from whatever trance he’d fallen into. “I’m counting on it,” he says, stepping closer to Jack. He hears Jack inhale as he leans closer, brushing his lips to Jack’s cheek.

When Jack speaks, it’s a hoarse whisper. “I had a good time too, you know.”

Alex leans away and starts walking backwards to the driver-side door. “Good,” he says, smiling warmly. He’s not really trying to smile so warmly but he can’t help it. “Get home safe, Jack.”

“Yeah,” Jack says. “You too, Alex.”

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joyrose-fandomer · 3 years

Text

Music club AU Chap2 (Sanders sides Human AU)

TL;DR: What if you just wanted to play music in peace but the autor sayed “chaos twins :)”

POV: Virgil

Relationship: Creativitwins, Prinxiety, Logicality parent to Virgil, (later in the story) Dukceit.

TW: Play fighting

<<Previous Next>>

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God loves to mess with little old Virgil, do they?

The teenager just wanted to play music and have a good time, for ONCE!

But nooo, couldn't have that did he?

Virgil just opened the door to the classroom where the music club took place, standing at the threshold, staring at not one but both of yesterday's idiots staring back at him from their seat in the classroom.

He closed back the door. A laugh exploded inside the room followed by rushed footsteps.

Virgil practically ran through the corridor and was at the other side of it when someone flew the door of the classroom open and yelled.

"WAIT, COME BACK!"

It was a good thing that it was lunchtime and everyone was out, eating because Virgil would not have been able to handle the embarrassment.

The guy took the chance to run through the corridor while Virgil was still stunned.

He reached him breathless.

"Wait... don't go.... just...one second" He took a few deep breaths "Alright... Let's start again."

The tall boy corrected his posture and fashed a 100-watt smile.

"Hi. I'm Roman. And you are?"

Virgil looks at the hand his schoolmate was extending to him like it was going to electrocute him. Wich he was seriously considering could happend.

The unconvinced emo took a long look up and down the dramatic boy who was growing more uncomfortable and nervous every second.

He was a head taller than Virgil, His hair where a stylish mess, he was wearing an outfit stolen straight up from a model magazine and not to be gay but he was so jacked that Virgil could see his pecks from under his shirt.

"Sooo..." The much to jacked teen continued when he saw that Virgil was not going to answer "Should I be worried by this elevator look or..." He left the end of the sentence hanging in the hope that Virgil would tell him something, anything.

But he simply rose an eyebrow.

Roman finally let his arm fall to his side, starting to be tired of holding it up for so long.

"Look. I got it. Using you for a challenge was not cool. I'm dumb and my brother is even dumber.

But still, give me chance. I really want to get to know you. So, how about we get back to the classroom before the teacher arrives and you can decide my fate after?

Please?"

His dramatic schoolmate had quickly shot the sentences one after the other, making big movements to accentuate his point.

Alright, Virgil was starting to get second-hand anxiety from this interaction, let's just go back to the classroom and get it over with.

He sighed and reluctantly got past the nervous mess in front of him to make his way back down the corridor, causing a disbelieving grin to appear on the face of the other boy who started trotting behind him.

If only he knew that he just threw out the window his only chance at peace for that smile.

Once in the classroom, Virgil was immediately greeted by a whistle coming from the other member of the dumb duo who was now sprawled over two chairs and tables. His hair was partially white and his outfit looked like he stoled Roman's close and made them voluntarily look as terrible as possible.

Virgil looked back at Roman who was joining his own hands together over his mouth, silently praying to Virgil to not back out.

Puppy eyes had always been the emo's weakness, his dad used them constantly against him, so when a pretty face was giving him those hopeful eyes he was unable to refuse.

He reluctantly walked into the classroom only to realize that the only seat left was the one right in front of the brothers that none took due to being the closest to the teacher.

Great.

"Wow, Ro! I can't believe you managed to get him to stay, that's a new record!"

Roman's brother claimed, throwing his arms for emphasizes and almost hitting Virgil in the process.

"Not thank's to you. Now scout over I wants my sit."

"Make me"

The strange twin challenged with a smirk. A challenge that was apparently accepted immediately judging by the wicked smile appearing on the face of the other twin.

"Gladly"

The dramatic boy took the ankles of the chaotic one and all but dragged him to the floor, getting a laugh out of his brother. Everyone was looking at them like they were insane and Virgil couldn't agree more.

Roman sunk in his sit, behind Virgil, completely unbothered by the chorus of confused laughter from the other students.

This was the scene playing when the teacher entered the classroom. Everyone when as silent as possible, a few of them had to hold their laughter with their hands. The embodiment of chaos looked up from his spot on the ground with an innocent smile.

The teacher took silently a sip of his coffee and walked past the teenager to reach the front of the room before sitting on his desk.

"Sup, everyone. Glad to see a lot of familiar faces. For those who don't know me, the name's Remy. I'm a music teacher and I'll babysit you all an hour every week for this club. You're welcome."

At the word 'babysit' he looked through his sunglasses at the trouble maker who was sitting back on his chair.

It took barely a look to know which student already knew the men, smiling and snickering like it was their wired uncle or big brother. And the ones who discovered the strange character, blinking and staring in confusion.

Two girls started whispering to each other a few rows behind, causing the teacher to snap his fingers to get their attention.

"Sorry, Sir! We were just wondering if Remy was your last name"

One of the girls quickly apologized.

"Don't sir me and no, that's my first name. My name is Dorme. Any other question?"

After a silence, he continued.

"Good. So I'm going to take the same call from last year and cross out everyone we lost during the summer break. Toby!"

Someone with orange hair and a skeleton hoody rose their hand.

"Hi Toby, last year right? Think you can go to the club and study at the same time?"

"No problem, Remy"

Remy nodded and looked back at his list.

"Amely!"

A tall girl with a flowery dress rose her hand from the back of the class.

"Hey girl, how's the transition going? Want to stay with the altos or do you want to try and go soprano?"

"It's going great but I'd like to stay alto if possible"

"Of course. Next, Mike!"

There was no answer so he crossed them out. It continued like that for a few more minutes before he put the list down and took an empty paper.

"Ok, now time to cheek the newbies. Just say your name, pronoun, and any instrument you can play. We start from the front and make our way back from left to right."

Meaning Virgil was first. Too much pressure.

He looked up at the teacher who was waiting for him to speak. Everyone was looking at him it was awful. He went to say his name but his voice refused to cooperate.

The teacher handed him the empty sheet where the anxious boy wrote 'Virgil Adams, he/him, base'

"Quick question, do you think you'll be able to sing or-" Mr. Dorme posed mid-sentence when he looked at the paper. "Never mind. Steve, good news, we have a base. You can play the guitar now!"

Steve, a boy with a plaid shirt and dark curly hair, made a 'woohoo!' of victory.

Remy looked back at Virgil.

"Don't worry about singing if you don't feel like it. Want to start tuning the base?"

The high schooler noded quickly and practically ran to the back of the classroom where Nat, one of the older students showed him where the material was.

The teacher called for the next student to introduce themself.

There was a noise of a chair being pushed back followed by an obnoxious voice.

"Greetings! I'm Roman Poquelin, he/him, and I can play any string and wind instrument except the base, the violoncello, and, god forbid, the kazoo."

"The kazoo is great! You don't know what you're talking about!"

The other twin defended

"The kazoo is an atrocity made by people with no taste!"

"You just hate fun!"

"This is not fun it's torture!"

Remy intervened before the kazoo debate blows up to far.

"That's enough you two, Roman sit down. Next."

"Remus Poquelin, he/them, I play every percussion as well as the trombone, accordion, bagpipe, otamatone, and KAZOO"

The chaotic twin insisted on the word 'kazoo' just the get a reaction from his brother who growled at him.

"Hey, that makes two Rems!" Toby yelled.

"You're right one of us got to change their name it ain't me" Remy added with a joking tone.

Remus thought about it for a moment before screaming proudly "DUKE!"

There was a confused silence cute only by a little "what?" from Steve.

Remus anwserd with a big dramatic mouvement.

"Everyone! Call me duke, or duky, or D or Di-"

"We are not calling you that." Roman interrupted with a tired sigh.

Virgil was starting to wonder if they were going to always be like that because it was starting to be exhausting.

Remy probably thought the same since he downed all his coffee before pushing on with the rest of the introductions.

Luckily there were only the two girls left who didn't make a scene out of it. Named Branda and Harley. Two sopranos, none playing any instrument.

Steve had joined Virgil with his guitar and they waited for Remy to explain the year's program.

Apparently, he had planed a few small concerts around the school during the year and 3 big ones including a competition interschool, and two concerts not taken in charge by the school as extra scholar activity.

That made a lot of concerts, and no matter how much Virgil liked to play, he still hated being under the spotlight.

They then made some vocal exercises and while everyone was reading the lyric of the song they were going to work on today, Remy explains how to play the song to Virgil, Steve, and Remus who got asked to play the drums.

The song was rather simple and except for Virgil, everyone was singing. They had to start again multiple times due to Remus somehow managing to never sing the note right while still playing the drums perfectly.

"Remus, can you sing me a 'la'?" Mr. Remy asked probably starting to wonder if he was doing it voluntarily.

Remus sang a 'mi'

"Try again?"

a 're'

"No, that's worst. Again?"

a 'si'

"Ok, you're just messing with me now" The teacher sighed

Roman rose his hand.

"He's not messing with you. He actually can't do it.

He knows what note your asking of him he just can't sing it, but he can still play."

The music teacher looked confused at that.

"Do you want to be exempted from singing little duke?"

He got answered with a big nod.

So now they were two not singing.

On the other hand, Roman grew more and more comfortable with the song and his dramatic personality slowly took over until they riched the last song and he couldn't help but hold the last note for almost a full minute.

Virgil and Steve had stopped playing by now but Remus kept a drum roll for his brother with a straight face, apparently knowing that it was going to happen.

When Roman finished the bassist exchanged a look with the drumer and somehow he just knew they were thinking the same thing.

Remus grinned and suddenly they were both laughing.

Nate joined in, hiding his face in his jacket, then Remy, Amely, and in seconds everyone was laughing, Roman included.

The bell rang. Warning them that it was time to go back to class.

While cleaning everything up Virgil heard Branda comment.

"It's going to be a weird year"

Never, truer words had been said.

***<>========<>***

(Virgil : Not to be gay but *proceed to be very gay*) XD

#sanders sides #sanders sides AU #Sander side fic #roman sanders #remus sanders #virgil sanders #remy sanders #prinxiety #creativitwins

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and-claudia · 4 years

Text

Okay so, this is random but I wanted to share it with y’all...

So first off, my English class is reading The Invisible Man (I haven’t actually read it though, I’m not in the right mental space for it rn because I don’t want to go into an Existential crisis again) but one of the projects that goes along with it is a sound track to our life. And I wanted to share mine with y’all...

So first off it’s going to be simply tittled “and-claudia” based off my tumblr. And that’s basically what my set list is, songs that represent who I am from the fandoms I either am a part of still or that had a major impact on my life. Here’s the list in order:

1. Story of My Life by One Direction

This may surprise some but yes back in the day I was a directioner. Like hardcore... I’m ashamed to admit that but I was. They were the first concert I went to, Midnight Memories, and although I don’t really listen to them anymore they were still a huge part of my life and I feel like this song really sets up the rest of the playlist.

2. Carry On Wayward Son by Kansas

I’ve said it a couple times but Supernatural is my comfort show. I started watching it when I was in a really low place in life mentally, and it was always a pick me up. I haven’t finished the show though because in my mind once I do, then that’s it, and I’m scared that if I do then I’ll loose my comfort show.

3. Netflix Trip by AJR

This kinda ties in with my previous song. Although I do watch the office (which is what this song is about) it’s meaning still runs true for other shows. Mainly the lines “who I am is in these episodes, so don’t you tell me that it’s just a show.” People like me who get “obsessed” (I don’t like that word) with shows do it for a reason and my reason is because I find comfort in them. So when people (ie my parents) say it’s just a tv show, it hurts because to me it’s not, it’s a part of who I am.

4. Death of a Bachelor by Panic! At the Disco

This one is killing two birds with one stone. After my boy band phase I jumped into the “emo” phase of my life. This is where I was introduced to the wonderful world of Panic! FOB and TOP. This song was also my first ever dance solo, so it has a special connection to me.

5. The Game of Thrones theme

Taking a step away from lyrics, I wanted to include some themes from my favorite shows. The first being Game of Thrones, I’ve watched and rewatched this series. Again it’s a comfort thing for me. And I liked how there were so many different story lines to follow, it was easy to connect with so many different characters. This show is full of comfort characters of mine, and that’s why it hold a special place in my heart. Also the songs a bop and you can’t tell me otherwise.

6. Centuries by Fall Out Boy

Like I said I went though a mini emo phase at one point and this song has always been a favorite of mine. Everyone wants to leave their mark somehow, I’m no different. I hope that I leave my mark in some form of contribution to the study of meteorology. And also I’ve always said I want this song played at my funeral. I want to put the “fun” in funeral.

7. Kitchen Sink by Twenty One Pilots

Again, this is a huge comfort song to me. The lyrics are a bit absurd, but that’s why I love them. Mainly “I’m a kitchen sink, you don’t know what that means because a kitchen sink to you is not a kitchen sink to me.” That line speaks to me so much because for me it highlights how some of the smallest things that we hold near and dear to our hearts don’t mean anything to others and that’s okay because we know what it means and it doesn’t have to have meaning to someone else for it to be important to you.

8. The Avengers theme

I’m a nerd at heart. I’ve seen all the Avengers movies and it’s something that me and my step dad bond over. I also know how to play this song on trumpet, which is running joke in my family now. But for me this song just gets me excited to watch a movie with some of my favorite characters in it.

9. The Mandalorian theme

I don’t think it’s a shock to anyone here that I love the Mandalorian. It was the first Star Wars show I watched and is actually part of the reason I got into Star Wars in the first place. Everyone was talking about baby Yoda and Ben Solo/Kylo Ren last year and that’s when I got interested in just to see what the hype was and when I watched the Mandalorian I fell in love with it. Pedro Pascal is such an amazing character, and I absolutely adore this show.

10. Agoraphobic by CORPSE

The first time I heard this song, it really hit home with the opening lines. “I can’t do shit right, I can’t learn my lesson” stuck out to me because it’s a perfect reflection of how I feel sometimes. This is definitely my go to crying in the car song, I pull up the hour loop of it and drive and it’s very therapeutic. This song also stands in to represent my new found love of watch streamers play games. In like 4th grade I would watch SkyDoesMinecraft, The Diamond Minecart, TBone, and then I eventually started watching Jacksepticeye and Markiplier a few years after but as I got older I stopped watching them. But here recently I’ve started to watch Jack and Mark again, as well as starting to watch Corpse and Ludwig and it has really reminded me how much I love seeing them just enjoy having fun.

11. Wow, I’m Not Crazy by AJR

This one is dedicated to y’all. Yes you read that right, you guys are featured on the soundtrack to my life because y’all have made such an impact on me. I’ve been on this app for I think a year in half maybe two years and I never expected to get over 100 followers or to have a story that is exceeding 30 parts. It blows my mind how much support y’all have shown me. And while I know I’ll probably never be like blogs that have 1000s of followers, I am more than happy with the ones I have. Y’all have made my life so much better and so this song is for you. It talks about being different, and finding someone who’s different like you and finding a connection with them, which is what I’ve done here. Most of here probably would never be as forward about our love of our fandoms to everyone in their real lives but on here everyone is “crazy” about what they love and that’s amazing honestly. I love being here, and I love that y’all have chosen to join me.

12. Who Lives, Who Dies, Who Tells Your Story from Hamilton

This is the closing song. I think it’s very fitting, and while it does go against Centuries by FOB, I think it still delivers a great message for everyone listening. No matter what you do here on earth, you don’t get to choose how people remember you, all you can do is try and leaving a good mark for yourself and hope others view it that way as well.

Anyways feel free to listen to these songs. Like I said this is actually for a school project and I’m very excited for it.

#corpse x reader #din djarin #star wars #the mandalorian #din djarin imagine #soundtrack #play list #corpse music #music #ajr #gameofthrones #marvel #twenty one pilots #panic! atd #panic! at the disco #fall out boy

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invincible-selfxmade-punk · 3 years

Text

My So Called Rise Against Life

All lyrics written and owned by Rise Against

No band, not even AFI, sings the soundtrack of the last 20 years of my life like Rise Against has. I was dragged to my first Rise Against show by Emily. Emily, the suicide girl, quite possibly the hottest girl in Corpus Christi, barely 5'1 and 98 pounds soaking wet, covered in tattoos and with Angelina Jolie's lips. To this day I cannot imagine why a girl who looked like that wanted to hang with me. I had never been to a gig at that little club called The Underground where the disenfranchised youth of Corpus Christi congregated. This was the very cusp of my punk rock midlife crisis and I went in scared to death because I'd heard concerts of this nature were violent.

At this point I was already considering the decision to become straightedge. I was curious but knew little about it. The sum of my knowledge was this: two of the guys in AFI were, and the guy at the mall was. The memory of this guy never leaves me. Like a stray dog with a tennis ball, catching a welcoming scent on the air, then chasing after a passing stranger who never looked down, I chased after him and each year I spent in that fruitless pursuit felt like seven. His friendship I would never win, but he would remain on the outskirts of my life, like the brass ring I reached for again and again only to fall on my face. I would see him that night too, but I didn't know this when Em invited me out. It was billed as a hardcore show. I had no idea what hardcore was back then, I just assumed it meant a rough crowd of millitant straightedge vegans that would have a sixth sense that I wasn't one of them and chase me out the doors. Rise Against was headlining and an equally unknown band called Avenged Sevenfold was opening. I'd never heard of either. Emily wanted me to go and I wanted to get out of the house for the night so it wasn't that hard for her to twist my arm in the matter. I met her at her apartment which was filth ridden, with drug paraphernalia everywhere, a wall size Misfits poster that took up the entire SIDE of her apartment, and electric guitars propped next to skateboards. As she slipped out of her clothes and into something slinky much to my viewing pleasure, she pointed me to her freezer with a purloined bottle of tropical Schnapps from the liquor store she was working for. Toasting in miniature tea cups I downed the bright blue liquid. I remember it so well, the frost covered bottle, cold in my hand, the electric blueness pouring into what looked like a child's tea party set up. This wasn't the last drink I would take, that would come two months later, yet I remember every detail of the experience. Suited up in skimpiness, we were off to the races. We hauled ass in Emily's SUV and she sat behind the wheel, dwarfed by it's hugeness and her smallness, joint in hand, careening down the expressway and swerving around orange construction barrels. As we exited into the worst part of town I had ever seen I must have looked uneasy. She turned to me and proudly exclaimed "Don't worry, I know this place! I used to score crack here!" We walked in and the first person I saw was the straightedge boy, who was taking money at the door. It was a good sign of things to come. It would also mean I would completely ignore Avenged Sevenfold's set in s stupid quest to get his attention long enough to make conversation. But Em was a champ, she stayed with me through the whole thing. In fact, I don't remember having the guts to say a word. She talked to him, I watched him talking to her and twenty feet away M. Shadows was screaming his sexy, tattooed, egotistical lungs out but I was utterly oblivious. From there we went to the merch booth where Em bought me an Avenged Sevenfold poster that I kept for years on my wall before finally giving it away right on the cusp of actually starting to listen to them. She also bought me a Rise Against patch that is still on my Dickies bag today though it is nothing more than a mess of black thread. We wandered over to the PETA booth, watched some gruesome videos, signed up for mail and picked up a cookbook I would later use to make one of the mall kids a vegan birthday cake. Then Emily spied someone she knew and I followed her over, still looking suspiciously through the crowd sure someone was just going to come up and punch me for no apparent reason. Still following, I watched as she struck up a conversation with this cute guy in glasses. I politely listened in as they talked about how they haven't seen each other since Warped Tour. For the life of me I can't remember what they talked about. I was distracted by a guy that looked like Davey Havok. Their conversation muffled to a drone until the guy looked at his watch and said "Oh crap!! I need to be on

stage! I'll talk to after the show!" and it was at that moment I realized Emily had been talking to Joe Principe of Rise Against. This was our cue as well though there was already too much of a crowd to get near the front. There were maybe one hundred people there and Tim held every one in the palm of his hand. I was amazed. I had never heard them before in my life so I can't tell you the set list but I knew from that time on I wanted to hear more. At the end Emily and I waited at the stage to talk to Tim. I had no idea what to say so I just shook his hand and now I wish I had held on a little longer. Emily got a shirt signed and talked to him for a while. Again I was too preoccupied with the AFI look-alikes in the crowd that I wasn't paying much attention. To this day I wonder if the dude I thought looked like Davey was actually Zacky Vengeance. I'll never know for sure. Soon enough Joe was with us again and he and Emily were engaged in conversation when he turned to me and said "Did that hurt?" I had NO idea what he was talking about, I was too overwhelmed by his very presence. I actually thought he was pointing past me to the PETA booth and I stupidly sputtered "What KFC is doing to chickens?" I swear to god when I'm miserable and in need of cheering up sometimes all it takes to make me smile is thinking "Hey, Joe laughed at my joke." The night drew to an end, Emily went out with the band, and being married, I went home. Next to singing a line with Dave Peters of Throwdown, that first night with Rise Against was the best night of the last ten years of my life. The next time I would see Rise Against they would be back in Corpus, opening for Bad Religion. This happened during what I call "The Emo Dave Era". I met Dave because of Rise Against. He was a little emo boy wearing a Rise Against shirt, skipping school at the mall. I stopped him and asked him about it and well that was it, he just kept coming around. I would end up knowing him for five years and eventually hiring him to work for me. By the second time they came to town Siren Song of The Counterculture was out and I remember bragging to Dave that if it was any other band I would have just downloaded it, but for them I would actually spend my hard earned money. I remember DRINKING in the songs, trying so hard to memorize all of the tracks before the gig hit. I remember the second Rise Against gig for many reasons. It was the first gig I went to alone at a time I was in the grip of panic attacks whenever I had to be in wide open spaces by myself. Two of my "mall daughters" met me at the gates and stayed with me the whole night. I remember that. I remember Dave hitting the merch table before me and buying me Rise Against stickers that I regarded like they were jewels and kept them in some special place until I hid them so well I hid them from myself. Dave and I and the girls were in the front row together, and sadly none of them I am in contact with now. Not only that, but Dave and one of the girls I was up front with would end up working for me and stealing over $1300 from my business during their tenure as my employees. Years from knowing this though we happily stood side by side and sang along for the whole set. What I remember most about that second gig was standing in front of Joe and when he sang "Single file like soldiers on a mission." I saluted him and he saluted back. Tim was wearing the exact same shirt he wore at the first gig but I was probably the only one to notice it. And when Tim asked "Who was here at our first gig when only 20 people showed up?" I proudly raised my hand. All the memorizing I did was pretty much for naught because I was so excited to be in the front row I damn near forgot every word to every song, but for some reason I knew every word to 1,000 Good Intentions. The first Rise Against show was in August, I can't tell you the date of the second one. I made my commitment to becoming straightedge sometime between December and January. I don't know the exact date because I was so scared about the whole

thing I kept it to myself "You're the new revolution The angst filled adolescent You fit the stereotype well..."

.All I know for sure was that I'd been edge several months by the second Rise Against gig at Concrete Street in Corpus. he second Rise Against gig also brings to mind another phantom of my past: a girl I was close to named Amanda (not the Amanda I went to Warped Tour w/, that Amanda I've always called Di because her screen name was Dionysus). This was Amanda's first night aout after being kidnapped and raped. Her parents were druggies and didn't want the cops involved so the guys who did it just got away with it and I'd see them at the mall all the time afterward and I couldn't do shit. It was her and her big sister who met me at the gates and stayed with me all night. I loved those girls. . . . Again, digressing. From First To Last opened and we spent the whole set talking about how much they looked like AFI. I ended up leaving the gig early, going to the house of one of them who still lived with his folks, ringing the doorbell and leaving a note in the mail box that said 'YOUR SON RAPES LITTLE GIRLS----just thought you should know'. It didn't really help anything but it made me feel better. During this mindlessly courageous time I was blinded by my commitment. I jumped into being edge with a fervor reserved for things like joining the Hari Krishnas or Jehovah's Witnesses. It was a complete make over of every idea I'd ever held. I didn't know a great deal but once I found it, I knew it was all I had been looking for. The only other person I actually knew who was edge was the straightedge boy, who now had become god-like in my mind. He was the first face of straightedge for me, the ideal, the standard, the one thing I felt I had to live up to. Sadly, by this time he was long gone, moving away from the mall where we worked and on to better things. This fact only drove me forward in a Holy Grail level quest to find him. When he was there I was terrified of speaking to him and then when he wasn't I kicked myself for not having the courage. I was sure that if I did make my way to him, he could impart some knowledge, some advice that would make my whole solitary experience make sense. The soundtrack of that quest was Blood to Bleed: "Steps I take in your footsteps Aren't getting me closer to what is left of the dreams of what I once claimed to know Within my bones this resonates...." Within weeks of each other three amazing things happened: Ceci, my best friend Amanda(Dionysus) and I went to Warped Tour to see AFI and in the process saw Rise Against as well. Then The Sufferer and the Witness came out, and at the same time Jadey and Ceci came to visit me in Corpus for quite possibly the most idyllic summer of my life. It was that summer we saw Rise Against for the third time. At that Warped Tour again we were in front of Joe, and again when Tim sang "Single file like soldiers on a mission... " we saluted Joe and he saluted us back and it was like a little piece of heaven fell to earth, the moment was so perfect. The set was

short because it was Warped Tour but we didn't care. We were together, we loved each other and we sang along with every song we knew. Sufferer and Witness came out in July right in time for Warped Tour and the girls coming down for a visit. I remember this so well because I had a cd of the straightedge boy's band and it seemed so important for me to play it for Jadey and Ceci. Do you remember that line in The Lost Boys: "Now you know what we are, now you know what you are." ? That was how it felt for me, this romanticized notion that my edge was not my own and it was all owing and belonged to someone else. I wanted to be able to trace it like a family tree to say, if I had not met him I would not have found out about AFI, I would not have made my committment, we would have never met, so therefore the life and friendship we have shared has all traced back to THIS. Well, they weren't all that impressed. I have a very clear memory of us being outside the Sonic Drive In and Jadey asking me "Please turn that noise off and put in something else." That something else was the The Sufferer And The Witnessand it stayed in the player for the rest of the trip. Ready To Fall was the song that defined the next year, much later, that I made my edge my own. In my journey I had looked to so many others for advice or reassurance or validation. I did this because I didn't believe in myself. I thought I was weak and sought in others what would make me strong. Sometimes I received it, like messages sent back and forth the guys in Throwdown and the near religious experience of seeing them live all the times I have, of singing a line with Dave, shaking his hand. Most of the time though my search was in vain. I remember very clearly seeking out help online. One guy told me I would never know who I was until I went to a hardcore show. This wasn't exactly bad advice, hardcore shows had the most amazing energy flowing through them and it did feel good to be surrounded by like minded people. The only thing I really learned about myself through going to hardcore shows was that if God had wanted me to hardcore dance, He would not have given me boobs. There was another guy who told me only the most insecure person would EVER wear a straightedge shirt out in public and if you were sincere about it, you'd keep it to yourself. I thought that guy was nuts. The whole POINT of being edge to me was proving I was not like the idiots around me. "With your eyes Glazed and half-smiled Explain to me the details of your God-given right You point your finger In my face but You can't remember what you did last night" I asked another guy what to do if I was tempted to drink again and he told me if I was tempted I was never really straightedge to begin with and I should just do the scene a favor and kill myself already. Then there were the kids that thought I was just the bees knees and were coming to ME for advice. I had no idea what to tell these kids, but I wasn't about to tell them not to wear sXe gear or kill themselves. Because of my own search for answers I refused to turn any kid away. One day they were telling me I was their hero and begging for advice, the next they were telling me I was out of my mind and to get lost. It took a good four years before I learned not to believe them in either case. "This could be my great awakening But how would I know when it's all noise to me? Are these words falling on deaf ears?" Right in the middle of this I had the good fortune to meet a guy named Chris X from Philly. He neither worshipped nor ignored me. He was simply THERE. I have the most vivid memory of this one morning. I had the same dream about the straightedge boy only this time I stepped out and stopped him and asked him if the hormones levels in milk made people more aggressive the way steroids did and asked if I should stop drinking it. Why this popped into my head I will never know. As usual the alarm rang before the blurry form opened his mouth and imparted wisdom. I woke up at 5 am and suddenly HAD to know

the answer to the question. It happened that Chris X was up too. I contacted him and he took the time out of his morning to discuss this with me completely out of the blue. I don't know why this sticks out in my memory but it does: Him being up at five am and taking an hour out of his morning to answer some moronic question from a girl he didn't know and being so nice about it. He is still edge, we are still friends and he is still there when I need him. He is the exception to the rule. Friends fell away and I remained steadfast, yet alone. Slowly though there came the time when I realized I needed to look no further than in the mirror. It wasn't like this was a new thing. I was told this many times and yet I never believed it. Right about this time Rise Against released Ready To Fall: "But here in this moment like the eye of the storm It all came clear to me I found a shoulder to lean on An infallible reason to live all by itself I took one last look from the heights that I once loved And then I ran like hell" The heights I once loved were ego driven, the compulsion to wear a straightedge shirt every day and X's for every gig and dare anyone to tell me otherwise. It was that romanticized notion of my edge,--that it hadn't been mine and all I was, was owed to someone else. It was as if I believed someone had physically stood between me and a fridge full of alcohol that first year and kept me from it. Or that someone had been there to comfort me when my husband was drunk or in a bad mood and was calling me names or throwing me around because I dared come home with a book of Marxist writing or simply did not shut up and go along or renounce my beliefs. I healed myself, I comforted myself and I did almost all of it completely alone. It was slow in dawning but it finally came to me that I was the only one I had to inspire or impress, and my own approval was all I needed. This revelation was scored by every track on Sufferer and Witness. The fourth time I saw Rise Against, I met Ceci in Austin to see them at Stubb's. Stubb's BBQ is a grand place to see any band because if you get there early enough, you can have lunch on the balcony while watching the band's sound check. We found this out the first time we went there, seeing The Rollins Band open up for X. Going to the Rise Against show I told myself "It's not big deal, I've seen them three times before, I'm just going to kick back and eat and enjoy the sound check" but as soon as Tim and Joe took the stage I could barely consume a thing I was so overwhelmed. As we waited in line after lunch for the doors to reopen, I met Ceci's brother Jordan who is, wildly enough, still my friend. Jordan. He hovers on the edges of my life, always there with a kind word whether I actually deserved it or not. He is the only good thing to come out of my friendship with Ceci. Evergreen Terrace opened that show and we were right in front of the guy in the Straightedge Soldier tshirt and that and a brilliant cover of "Mad World" was all I remembered of their set. Circa Survive came on next and Ceci and I took turns booing them and flipping them off. Not that they were necessarily bad, but we were in no mood to entertain the mopey emo set at that point. Soon we were all piled together up front, again in front of Joe. I didn't get to salute him at that gig. Ceci's arms were too tightly around me. Ceci, her girlfriend Grace, Jordan and my husband were tangled in a sea of arms, so tightly that I wasn't sure of whose hand I was holding most of the night. Though by that time I was perfectly comfortable in my commitment, Blood to Bleed still only reminded me of one person and Ceci knew this. I felt she understood me then, I felt she was one of the very few who knew me best. Beside me was my husband, but in my heart was a dream of someone else, of someone who shared my commitment and my ideals, a dream of an idea more than a person, the perfect guy/relationship/life I would never have. Two months later I would find out my husband was seeing a girl from work

that had got him hooked on heroin. Two months later he would come to where I worked and attack me in front of multiple witnesses and when called, the police would do nothing. Two months later I would sit sobbing in the back of a police car because I was too afraid to go into my own apartment and get my things. When responding to my call the enormous officer would glare down at me and say "Why are you afraid to walk in your own home? Are you on drugs or are you just retarded?" Instead of accompanying me inside to get my things they would search me for drugs. Two months later I would realize why Henry Rollins hated cops so much. Two months later. after ten years together, I would leave my husband. I did not know any of this then. All I knew was that in that instant my heart was bleeding inside of me for want of some friendship I would never have, the one thing I believed would make my life complete. It was that friendship, that idea of a person, of perfection, of everything I wanted myself and my life to be, that seemed like the holy grail of the second part of my life. Looking back, maybe it held value only because it was unobtainable. I had not yet learned to find it in myself so I sought it so furiously in a stranger. So, with the ridiculously angelic vision of the first straightedge boy I ever met in my head, and my unfaithful husband beside me, in that crowd at Stubb's, Rise Against tore into Blood To Bleed. It was our first time to hear it live together as they had not played it at Warped Tour. Ceci looked down at me, wrapped her arms around me and held me tight because she knew exactly who I was thinking of and why. As she held on to me with one hand and ran a hand through my hair, we both screamed out those lyrics that had haunted me and driven me on for years. "This place rings with echos of lives once lived, but now are lost Times spent wondering about tomorrow I don't care if we lose it all tonight Up in flames, burning bright.... Within my bones this resonates Boiling blood will circulate Could you tell me again what you did this for?" And just like I was blind to what was about to erupt with my husband I was just as blind to time bomb ticking inside of Ceci that would turn her into a complete stranger the next time we met, at the very same place it would turn out. Had I known that this was the last time she would hold my hand and sing with me and look down on me with love and empathy in her eyes, I would not have wasted my sorrow in grieving for a friendship that never was and instead would have known to grieve for the real friendship I was losing. I should have grieved for hers, but in retrospect, it was no more real than the idea of the one I chased after so fruitlessly. "I don't love you anymore is all I remember you telling me never have I felt so cold But I've no more blood to bleed Cuz my heart has been draining into the sea...." And the strange footnote to that day, that time, that moment of hope and loss and all that was to come is this: Even though his friendship I never actually earned, in his status of a wise, polite stranger, that straightedge boy I never really knew was far more civil than Ceci. His responses, however short they were, however long it took to get them, were genuine. It is such a small thing, his honesty, yet it is more than I can say for ninety percent of the people I've known in the last several years. Another song we sang together that night was Prayer of the Refugee. I had no idea then but that song was about to describe my life. "We are the angry and desperate The hungry and the cold We are the ones who kept quiet and always did what we were told But we've been sweating while you slept so calm in the safety of your homes We've been pulling at the nails that hold up everything you own."

The split with my husband was brutal. First I had to deal with police that didn't care, who told me at one point "Well, if he tries to kill you, call us back, otherwise there's nothing we can do. He's your husband and he has the same right to live here as you do." Thanks to the police not doing anything, I was thrown out of the apartment I had paid for for ten years. The battered women's shelter was full and I would have found myself homeless had it not been for my friend Lilo. Suddenly I was having to start from scratch and then, upon finding a place, having to pack up ten years worth of my life and move it all by myself. "I hit the ground and I'm still running but I need a place to stay tonight I swear I'll be gone in the morning I just need some place warm to close my eyes." Every day I worked until the afternoon, went home and packed until 2 am, fell asleep until 5 am and then got up and did it all again. Then once I was packed I had to move it all. I can't remember why I didn't ask for help but I moved it all alone except for the bed, entertainment center and tv. "The drones all slave away They're working overtime They serve a faceless queen They never question why Disciples of a god That neither lives nor breathes But we've got bills to pay Yeah we've got mouths to feed I won't go back..." This was such a strange time. There was no way to hide what was going on: my husband came to where I worked and jumped me in front of everyone there, I had to tell my boss "My husband kicked me out and I'm homeless at the moment, could I possibly get my check a day or two early to put a deposit down on an apartment?" and I had to own up to the fact that I was straightedge and my husband was a heroin addict. "We're broken but still breathing We are wounded but we are healing We pick up right where we left off Breathe on the ashes that remain So that these coals may become fire To guide our way.." This made my life suddenly seem a really bad B movie. There was nothing to do but go on. I would have asked myself "What would that straightedge guy do in this situation?" if I'd had any idea. Instead I asked "What would Dave Peters of Throwdown do?" and of course the obvious answer was "punch something". As much as I wanted to, I couldn't do that. However, I knew for sure what he wouldn't do and that was curl up in a ball and cry. So I didn't do that either. It was a such horrible time and yet when I look back all I remember is my own strength and the exhilaration I felt when I finally left. "So give me the drug Keep me alive Give me what's left of my life Don't let me go... Pull this plug, let me breathe On my own, I'm finally free..."

Lilo and Di swore I looked great, like I had suddenly gotten 10 years younger. They said I was glowing, but unless I had come in contact with radium I certainly didn't see how. I remember thinking "Well hell, maybe the Socialists were right. Maybe 16 hour days are the way to salvation." "Wake me up inside Tell me there's a reason To take another step To get up off my knees and, Follow this path of most resistance. And where ever it takes us, Whatever it faces and wherever it leads" As I came into my own power, the straightedge boy who had loomed so god-like over the first years of my commitment shrank back down to human size. Deep down I still hoped that if he was to know of all I had gone through he would be a little proud of me for surviving with my integrity intact. But if he didn't, well that was okay too. Survive I did, survive I continue to. "Somewhere between happy, and total fucking wreck Feet sometimes on solid ground, sometimes at the edge To spend your waking moments, simply killing time Is to give up on your hopes and dreams, to give up on your... Life for you, has been less than kind So take a number, stand in line We've all been sorry, we've all been hurt But how we survive, is what makes us who we are" When I had my own place and my own life again, to celebrate I bought myself a Christmas present: a tattoo of a sparrow carrying brass knuckles in her beak. It reminded me of this lyric that had been echoing in my head the whole time: "And if strength was born from heartbreak Then mountains I could move If walls could speak I pray that they would tell me what to do." I enjoyed more than six months of solitude in my cozy little apartment on Airline. I filled my weekends with walks on the beach, solitary shopping excursions for meatless dinners, and nights were spent at the House of Rock and the Underground watching bands, enjoying the freedom of staying out without getting yelled at or called names. I spent Christmas alone on Lilo's floor stuffing myself with processed cheeseballs and watching movies. It was my first UnChristmas. The Jehovah's Witnesses would have been proud! "Warm yourself by the fire, son, And the morning will come soon. I’ll tell you stories of a better time, In a place that we once knew. Before we packed our bags And left all this behind us in the dust, We had a place that we could call home, And a life no one could touch."

But I am flawed and cowed and crippled by the Christian concept of forgiveness. And by the time I would be seeing Rise Against again, my husband would be back by my side. In West Texas his mom had ran him through the MHMR system, let them start him on 7 different drugs, ---including three different tranquilizers and pills for hallucinations and seizures, which he never once had,--- used him to get on welfare, disability, and Medicare. Once he's served the purpose, she called a friend in the sheriff's department and had him pulled from her house, drugged out of his mind on meds at the time, and stuck on a bus to Corpus Christi. The Glasscock County Sherriff's Department called me at work to TELL me "Your husband is on a bus to Corpus, he'll be there at two am. He's your responsibility now." On the bus, because of his state of stupor, he was robbed of everything but his clothes and as much as I wanted to just shove him into the closest homeless shelter, I couldn't. Had it been me, as unlikely as that would be, I would want someone to have compassion. "We are the children you reject and disregard These aching cries come from the bottom of our hearts You can't disown us now, we are your own flesh and blood And we don't disappear just because your eyes are shut" I took him in. At first it was easy. Thanks to the drugs he was sleeping 18 hours a day. Finally I started to investigate what they had him on, what he could do without and how to get him back to normal. I'm not sure how I did it, but I weened him off of every drug he was on. At first it was out of necessity since I was making too much money for him to stay on state sponsored help and he'd have run out eventually. Looking back though, had he sustained that amount of drug intake for long he would have probably died. So he was back for good and conversely Ceci and Jadey and nearly every other friend I had at the time would have turned their backs on me and flocked to other, cooler individuals. All those kids that convinced me they would have killed themselves, starved themselves, cut themselves to shreds, OD'ed, etc had they not met me, who all imposed their problems and lives on mine for five years or more and took up every spare moment of my time and every inch of my heart all turned 18 at once. In turning 18 they realized they knew it all and I was no longer worth their time. "And if you think your words will ever make a difference Think again and carry on..." My husband and I are still together, but all those friends are long gone. I wish I could say he gave up all his demons, but he didn't. He simply traded the big ones for a myriad of lesser evils. He will never be straightedge. And though he claims to be proud of me, to this day he is convinced, utterly falsely, I am hiding some secret affair with the straightedge boy from years ago. I sat him down one day and asked "Do you get that we are straightedge? Do you get that in being straightedge we could not possibly cheat on our significant others and remain straightedge? Do you get that no matter how much he influenced me I barely knew him and he barely gave me the time of day? Do you get that what you are accusing me of is utterly impossible?”

Despite his insistence on this, the idea doesn't bother him enough for him to give up his own addictions and become edge himself. He no longer asks me to change and he is no longer violent, thank god. I no longer ask him to change, though I pray every day he will. We have been together for twenty years now and I have never been with anyone else. This doesn't keep me from dreaming of some nice sXe man who shares my ideals. But I think of it much like I imagine racing on the autobahn, knowing it will never actually happen and knowing I’d never do it even if I could. "We live on front porches and swing life away We get by just fine here on minimum wage If love is a labor I'll slave til the end..." Things in my life settled down for a bit as we prepared to see the boys again at Stubb's BBQ. Through myspace I found my friend Linda that I had not spoken to in fifteen years. As we sat on the balcony at Stubb's I kept one eye on the stage and the other on the door waiting to see her again. When she walked through the doors it was like the last fifteen years never even happened and instantly we picked up right where we left off and again were tearing through Austin with her at the wheel like we had so many times in the past. Because of this joyful reunion I was not first in line when the doors opened, I was buying rainbow necklaces in the gay shops in town and snickering over whether the guy behind the counter was flirting with my husband or not. - That was a strange memory for me, being in the very back of the audience for once, singing alone as Aaron sat on a rock and read a Robert Jordan novel. I was happy to be there, the music was incredible, but the feeling was all wrong. I was isolated and alone, in the back row with my fist raised and Aaron tugging at my arm every other song asking "What song is this? Do I know this one?". I wondered if Ceci was there in the front row, holding on to someone else and convincing them she would have killed herself if they hadn't come into her life. I imagined others in the front row, in our place, saluting Joe, singing our songs while I was the interloper that did not belong anymore. We walked out of the sold out show before the encore, a long drive home facing us. Aaron never lets me stay for the encores. He always wants to hit the road. As we walked to the car, with Worth Dying For wafting through the air above us, I blew a kiss to the wind and told Ceci goodbye. "Feel me rise in the strength I've found inside the warm embracing air Like a glacier melting watch me dissipate I searched for love in an empty world but all I found was hate" It was the lyrics of Rise Against that echoed in my head when I sat down to read the words of Marx and Lenin for the first time as a whole other world opened up for me. It was Rise Against that drove me on as I worked sixty hour weeks. "We're losing daylight but I can't work any faster Under the veil of dust we go on..." Their lyrics saw me through every major event of the last several years of my life. Appeal to Reason was released in the Fall of 2008 and though the year found me miserably poor and unemployed, I still bought it the day it came out. It was on my mp3 player and as I sat in the welfare office applying for food stamps I would hear the lyrics "Despite these petty fortunes we still can't afford a life...." for the first time and I would pause a moment just for the whole zeitgeist effect of it. For Christmas of 2008 I received an email from Ceci after a year and a half of ignoring my every attempt at contacting her. I had tried everything, even terribly childish measures to get some kind of reaction but every letter---first polite, then angry, then groveling-- every call, email, and package was met with silence. A year and a half passed and then I got the email saying "I got the new Rise Against and it made me realize how much I loved and missed you and loved AFI and I want to be friends again. I know you can't forgive me but can we be friends again? There's this song on that new Rise Against that

reminds me of you." True to the bond we had once held there was certainly a song on the new Rise Against that reminded me of us too: "Identities assume us as nine and five add up Synchronizing watches To the seconds that we lost I looked up and saw you I know that you saw me We froze but for a moment In empathy I brought down the sky for you but all you did was shrug" This was exactly what happened the last time we saw each other when she turned up her nose and pretended not to know who I was, just a week after sending me a letter saying how much she loved me. This led to the year plus of her not speaking to and ignoring all attempts at contact I made, even the immature ones. "And if you see me please just walk on by Walk on by Forget my name and I'll forget it too Failed attempts at living simple lives Simple lives Always keep me coming back to you." But too much time had passed and although that Christian weakness crippled me so with my husband, for once I stood strong and had no trouble in keeping the door to my heart shut. I told her not to contact me again. "I count the times that I've been sorry Now my compassion slowly drowns If there's a time these walls could guard you Then let that time be right now."

That doesn't mean that my mind does not still light to her like a bee to a flower, the years we were friends, that feeling of love and camaraderie and the bond I imagined we had. The last three Rise Against albums play the soundtrack of our friendship whenever I turn them on. When I play Appeal to Reason I wonder if this song reminds her of me:

"It kills me not to know this but I've all but just forgotten what the color of her eyes were and her scars or how she got them" If I close my eyes I am there again in that Port Aransas condo, the night we met face to face after talking online for so long. We are huddled together in the bedroom sharing the earphones of a cd player listening to Placebo's Sleeping With Ghosts. I am pulling down the zipper of my boot and showing her three freshly razored X's cut into my ankle, the blood still stuck to a wad of tissue pressed between my sock and skin. She is crying and wrapping her arms around me and telling me she understands everything and that someday she will show me her scars too. "I'll show you mine If you'll show me yours first Let's compare scars I'll tell you whose is worse Let's unwrite these pages and replace them with our own words..." She never did show me her scars. I wonder now if she even had any. There are lots of songs that transport me back then when she was my world. But now I know nothing about her nor anyone else I knew then was real and I wonder if that song ever reminds her of me and the way she led me to believe I was her lifeline, right up until the moment she cut me off and forgot me like a favorite toy after adolescence destroys the need for such playthings. "As the telling signs of age rain down a single tear is dropping through the valleys of an aging face that this world has forgotten ..." This is the music that accompanied my feet hitting the pavement of park sidewalks and treadmills, it is the melodies that buoyed me through endless work weeks and settled into the recesses of my heart in times of quiet contemplation. As I read words written years ago by writers we were never allowed to study in school, it is the soundtrack that played in my mind when those concepts began to make sense. When I read Ten Days that Shook the World by John Reed, what I was hearing in my head was

"but these ghosts come alive like water and wine walk through these streets singing songs and carrying signs, to them these streets belong.." As I struggled to understand the Communist Manifesto I was thinking to myself: "Unknowing, we lie and wait for the rain To wash away what they have made Face down in the dirt with your foot on my back In the distance I hear thunder crack C'mon Stand up! This system of power and privilege is about to come to an end Here come the clouds The first drop is falling down" I look back at many things and laugh. I remember when I was first looking for straightedge shirts I came upon one that said SUPPORT LEFTIST HARDCORE. I had no earthly idea what it meant and was way too scared to ask anyone. Now I can quote Trotsky. When I first turned edge I stopped eating meat for several months until my husband found out and started calling me a Communist. At the time it seemed like the worst thing in the world to be called. He still calls me a Communist but now with laughable results. I'll cock my head, say something to him in Russian, he'll mumble under his breath 'Yeah you only say that because you've had sex with the entire Communist party!", I'll roll my eyes and we go back to our common denominators of movie quotes, comic books, and making fun of people. I always loved the way the Russian alphabet looked and shortly after we were married I got a tramp stamp with his initials in Russian. He now claims it actually means "Welcome aboard, Comrade." I just laugh and we kid each other and life goes on. In the great Holy Grail of a search for wisdom that I thought could only come from the first straightedge boy I knew, I had one great fear: what if I found him again and he was no longer edge? I was terrified of this, sure that if he fell I would too, that if that touchstone was gone, all would be lost. This no longer worries me. I would be sad if it happened, but it would not affect my journey nor cause me to stumble because I have found my own way. It was hard way full of work, trial and error and pure blind luck. Maybe it would have been easier if things had gone differently and yet it is all mine and no one else's.

I have now seen Rise Against eight times each with its own small dramas, like when I was working for Job Corps, worked an 18 hour day, literally passed out in my car from low blood sugar and exhaustion—luckily before I had started the engine. I somehow made it home, downed two peanut butter sandwiches and went to the show where I had no energy to dance, but just stood there and sang.

The last show was the best in years for me. I was in the second row behind a little boy and his mom. His mom was my age and it was her son’s first concert. He was there to see NOFX. They put on an incredible show and I did my best to keep the crowd off the kid. As a reward, the mother gave me their spot and they went to the back when Rise Against came on. I had not been in the front row since that show with Ceci. I felt like I was twenty again. Rise Against is the music that scores ALL of this in my memory. It is the sound of hope and loss, of new directions and ideas, of the brass ring becoming just another small cog in the great, silent machinations of my soul. It is the music of discovering that the strength of the world lies inside my own heart. It is the sound of me walking away from what I loved, it is the joyous noise of friends you're certain is lost forever coming back to you. This is my so-called Rise Against life

#rise against lyrics #rise against #long post under cut #spilled ink

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miioouu · 4 years

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Headcanons (for Deku, Bakugou and Kirishima) where theyre pretty close to their crush who started noticeably hiding a secret, suddenly hanging out with someone else. Turns out they wanted to learn a new skill to impress them. Something small but doable (like learning the ukulele or some other thing)

We want to impress the bois👏👏 Thank you for requesting!! ❤️💜❤️

Midoriya Izuku 💚

- You two were close friends since the beginning of the year.

- You were best friends, never hiding anything from the other, even your most embarrassing stories!

- But lately, you began to feel something for the green haired boy.

- Your heart seemed to beat faster around him, you'd often get jealous, something you never felt before for him, whenever he'd pay more attention to someone else other than you.

- Secretly, he was feeling the same, but he thought he'd never get a chance with you, so he buried his feelings deep inside, ignoring them.

- But you weren't like him, you wanted to impress him.

- Knowing him for as long as you had, you realized Deku's amazing drawing skills! So you decided, that maybe if you got better at this creative hobby, it would earn his attention.

- So now you started hanging out with one of you artist friends from the Support Department, thus making deku feel a bit left out.

- And everytime he'd ask you about it, you just ignore him changing the subject, or straight out lie.

- Even though he was pretty hurt that you were keeping something from him, he never pushed you to tell him, knowing it was something you wanted to keep private and he respected that.

- One day, after having ignoring him a whole week, you ran up to him, giving him a hug.

- He was surprised, what has gotten into you y/n? One day you never talk to him, the other you show him so much attentin.

-"Dekuuu, I know I've been treating you badly lately, but it's for a good reason! I swear!"

- You'd reach into you backpack, pulling out a piece of paper. After asking him multiple times if he was prepared to see what you've been so busy doing and teasing him about it, you finally gave him the paper.

- Smile stretching on his face, eyes lit up and red cheeks, hw couldn't believe what was before him. It was a magnificent painting of the both you.

- After you've explained to him that you've been working on it with the help of your friend, everything clicked, why you were always so tired, why you'd ignored him so often.

-"I just wanted to impress you Deku!"

-And you did, he now has the painting framed in his bedroom, always looking at it when he felt down. One day, soon, his bedroom would be filled with pictures and paintings from you. But first he needs to confess.

Bakugou Katsuki 🧡

-Were you two friends? No? Best friends? Meh, that's closer. You two were best friends for ever and ever and ever and....

-Well that's what you told people. It wasn't a lie, but maybe you were exaggerating a bit.

- And maybe, everytime you'd mention it, it would truly pull at our angry boy's heart.

- Was he being friendzoned? Why does he care anyway, you were just a random person, nothing special about you.

- Well, except your smile, your laugh, your eyes, your sweet voice....

-Fine ok, you are special and he is in love with you! But he will never, ever admit it.

-But you didn't know that, and you really didn't know that Bakugou was that simple of a man.

-Thinking you needed to impress him to catch his heart, you always spent days daydreaming about how you'll do it.

- Finally in class, while everyone was talking about some concert or something. It hit you!

-Bakugo was really into music. Everyday he'd come to class with his earphones on, and when he's in a good mood he'd quietly hum his favorite song. (ok but emo music was so junior high bakugo, now he's into jazz, disco, electro type of music I will NOT accept any criticism thank you)

-So maybe a way to get his attention, was to impress him with something he is passionate about, music!

- So why not ask Pikapika to help you learn the guitar? Nothing bad can happen, right?

-Oh but were you so wrong, so so wrong.

-Learning a new instrument took way too much of your time, and wanting to be decent at it, you'd practice extra time, which meant spending more time with Kaminari.

-Now you saw nothing wrong with that, enjoying his company, and the way he hypes you up to make the explosive boy head over heels for you.

-But Bakugou did. What are you always doing with Denki? And why aren't you telling him? Were you keeping secrets from him? HOW DARE YOU?

-Well he let it slide, but not without shading you every once in a while. But he had enough of your little secret when he saw you walking out of Kaminari's room late one night.

-He wanted to kill him, murder him with his own two hands. And you? Why didn't you tell him damn it?!

- He returned to his room for he wanted to be alone with his thoughts after being betrayed by his owns friends.

-But he didn't get the chance as you came barging into his bedroom.

-"Katsukiiiii wanna hear what i learned on the guitar? Of course you do silly why am i even asking?!"

- You didn't even give him time to yell at you for coming to his room that late, to kick you out and tell you to go back to your secret boyfriend, as you excitedly began playing his favorite song.

-It wasn't perfect, but he couldn't help but find it so cute when your brows frowned in concentration, and thr way your little tongue sticked out on a particularly hard note.

- As you finnished, you looked up to him, trying to detect a reaction from him. As much as he wanted to praise you, he couldn't get pass the fact that there's something between you and Kaminari.

- When you asked him about it, and he shouted at you that he couldn't believe that you kept your relationship a secret from him, you put the guitar down, and explained to him that no, you're not in a relationship with electric boy, and you were just learning guitar from him so you can catch his attention, he never felt so stupid.

-"You don't need to learn any new skill to make me fall for you y/n. I already have..."

Kirishima Eijiro ❤️

- Kirishima was everyone's friends, but it took someone special to be his best friend.

- And luckly for you, you had that unique something that made you, not only his best friend, but the redhead slowly starting to develop feelings for you.

-He found you perfect, but he was still too insecure to actually tell you that.

- On the other hand, you were also head over heels for the boy, but how could you not?

- His angelic laugh, his sweet smile and his soft eyes everytime you looked at each didn't help with trying to get rid of those feelings.

- After the realization of being in love with your best friend finally came slow and clear, you decided to act up on your crush.

- You had no idea how Kirishima felt about you, you were just his friend nothing more.

- But you wanted to impress him, maybe he'll start seeing you in diffrent way.

- What's something that could impress him though?

- Manly stuff, manly stuff, manly stuff... What does even mean Kiri?!

-How were you to catch his attention if you didn't know "manly" activities.

- It was untill the both of you were training that you figured it out! He'd be so so shocked if he see you wight lifting.

- But ugh what a paiiin, it was really difficult and you don't think you're able to do that without someone yelling your head off to keep going.

- Oh well that's easy to find, smirking, you approached Bakugo whonwas looking at you suspiciously.

- You explained to him how important it is for him to help you, and you may or may not have accused him and blamed him "you don't want to see me happy? You want me to die alone I knew it!"

- Oh my god you're so dramatic, he had enough with your cries so he finally gave in and accepted to help you.

- But with that, it meant spending less time with Ei, which confused him.

-Are you mad at him? Did you decide that he wasn't good enough to be your friend? Have you realized how much of a loser he is and his friend is much better?

- You did see how down Kirishima looked lately, thus deciding to train harder and finally show him your impressive new skill.

- But it actually made things worse, he's been seeing you with Katsuki almost everyday, ditching him to go to the gym with the blond instead him.... Are you... Are you in love with Bakugou?

-How did that happen? And why was Katsuki betraying him? Should he let it slide or have a talk with you?

- The day he decided to face you, you planed to show him, insisting that he'd come to the gym with you.

-"Look what Baku has been teaching me!"

- You'd pick up one of the heaviest weight, eyes never leaving his form to see his reaction.

-To say he was impressed was ana understatement.

-"So that's what you were doing with Katsuki? I thought.... I thought you were ditching me for him..."

-His words stung, is this what you made him feel like? Is this why he was so sad recently?

- After reassuring him, that you would never, ever ditch him for anyone and that you were doing all of this to surprise him and maybe see you as more than a friend. He couldn't believe his ears, running up to you giving you the biggest hug.

-"y/n you know how much i like you! You didn't have to try!"

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emy-loves-you · 4 years

Text

Wrong Numbers and Useless Gays Chapter 4

Sad Boys and Fun Facts

Patton’s a sad boi but Virgil has a distraction

Chapter 3 | Masterlist | Chapter 5

Three weeks had passed since Virgil had first texted Roman. In those three weeks, Virgil had learned a lot about his new friends.

First, there was Patton. God, did that man love puns. Virgil also loved puns, but he preferred reading Patton’s puns over making his own. Remus had caught Virgil blushing at his phone and made a comment about his new “friends with benefits” (Virgil had been unable to respond. He was too busy trying to hold back his giggles from one of Patton’s pun tangents). Patton also made it clear that he was the “Dad Friend” of the group. Virgil couldn’t type a single self-deprecating comment without Patton threatening to physically fight him. It was rather terrifying, really. He also made sure that everyone was taking care of themselves. Once they learned that they were in the same timezone (They hadn’t shared cities yet. Friend or no, Virgil was telling where he lived in that quickly) Patton made it his goal to check in and make sure that Virgil ate at mealtime. One last thing about Patton was his… struggle with technology. He tended to send almost everything directly to the group chat instead of private messages. Logan said that he tried to teach Patton how to do so, but the lessons never seemed to stick.

Speaking of Logan, the nerd had his own quirks. He didn’t type much, usually only responding when someone required everyone to respond. The other time that he typed was during debates. Nine days into their friendship, Virgil had mentioned saying “you too” to a cute barista and claimed that he ruined any chances with his new crush. While Patton and Roman offered words of encouragement, Logan remained silent. Virgil had assumed that Logan agreed with him but didn’t want to upset his boyfriends. As soon as their conversation ended, Virgil received a private text from Logan, requesting to debate. They argued over cognitive distortions for a whole hour before they reached a compromise. Logan had called the debate “lit” and asked if they could debate again in the future. That was another thing about Logan. Apparently, he had vocabulary cards for slang words. When he was talking out loud, he would hold the card up so the others knew what slang word he was attempting to use. When texting, he would put quotation marks around the word. It was adorable, in Virgil’s humble opinion.

Then there was Roman. Princey was known for his dramatic flair and Disney references. When he was feeling especially Extra™ , he would use “thees” and “thys” and call people peasants. He also had a love for nicknames. Patton had very few personal nicknames, with most of them being terms of endearment like “honey” and “amor.” Most of Logan’s nicknames pertained to him being a nerd, such as “pocket protector” and “Microsoft Nerd.” He seemed to have a limitless number of nicknames for Virgil, with most of them referencing his emo-aesthetic (how Princey had discovered that so early in their friendship, Virgil had no clue). He never repeated Virgil’s nicknames; the only exception was “storm cloud,” which he tended to use at least once every conversation.

Virgil had become extremely close with the trio over these three weeks. That wasn’t the only thing he did, just the thing he did most often. The Dark Sides had finalized their contract with Thomas, who set up a tour almost immediately. Virgil really should have seen that coming. Their band had become extremely popular over the past few years, and they had only done one tour before this. Performing across the country would help boost their popularity even further. Virgil sighed, his anxiety spiking at just the thought of seeing all those faces in the crowd. That was why he used the persona Anxiety. Anxiety wasn’t afraid of anything, he was fear. Being Anxiety allowed Virgil to be confident and suave without worrying about judgment. They judged Anxiety, not Virgil. The case was similar for Janus and Remus. Deceit was elegant and mysterious, while Duke was loud and over-the-top. They didn’t have to be rejects wanting to fit in with society. No, they were Rockstars. Society wanted to fit in with them. And Virgil was just fine with that.

Bzzz

Vigil glanced over at his phone. He was in Los Angelas right now, around halfway through his tour, which put him 3 hours behind his new friends. He glanced over at his clock, 9:45 PM glaring at him through the dark. He turned back to his phone. Why are they up at 12:45 in the morning? I know Logan keeps them on a rigid sleep schedule.

P- (9:45 PM) Ro? Are you still up?

V- (9:45 PM) Pat, why are you still up?

P- (9:45 PM) Why are you still up, kiddo? It’s almost 1 AM! Don’t you have a hangout with your friends today?

Virgil sighed, thinking of the concert he had tomorrow. He glanced over to his sketchbook. Patton had been really impressed with his sketches, so he had been practicing less gory drawings to show him. It had evolved into something almost therapeutic. Knowing how he worked, Virgil would probably sketch until around 2 in the morning, then sleep until 8 AM. The concert wasn’t until 7 PM, so he had enough time to sleep in if necessary.

V- (9:46 PM) First of all, you know I’m in California right now. It’s 9:46 for me. Second of all, we’re not hanging out until tomorrow night, so I can sleep in if needed. Third of all, you’re avoiding the question: What are you and Roman doing up at 1 in the morning? I thought you guys had work in the morning.

P- (9:47 PM) We do. Roman got a burst of inspiration at around 10, and he usually refuses to sleep until he writes it all down. He probably fell asleep at his desk, that silly billy!

V- (9:47 PM) That doesn’t explain why you’re still awake. And why didn’t you get up to check on him? I thought you guys lived together.

P- (9:47 PM) We do! I just couldn’t fall asleep tonight. And the bed’s too warm to get up!

V- (9:48 PM) Well, Princey’s probably being a “sleeping beauty”

Virgil frowned at his phone. Patton hadn’t responded to his text. Sure, that wasn’t a very good pun, but it was still a pun. Patton laughed at every pun he saw, or at least followed it up with another pun. He could be asleep, but didn’t he just say that he had trouble sleeping?

V- (9:50 PM) Pat?

P- (9:50 PM) Yeah, Kiddo?

V- (9:50 PM) Are you okay?

V- (9:52 PM) Patton?

V- (9:52 PM) I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have said that. Just because you didn’t answer my pun doesn’t mean that there’s something wrong with you. I’m sorry that I sounded like an asshole.

P- (9:52 PM) No, Sweety. It’s fine! It’s nice to know that someone cares about you!

P- (9:53 PM) I’m just a little sad today.

V- (9:53 PM) Do you wanna talk about it?

P- (9:54 PM) I’m fine, Kiddo! This just happens sometimes. No need to worry!

Virgil sighed, thinking about how much Patton reminded him of Janus. Janus grew up neglected, and was taught to convince everyone that his life was perfect. By the time Virgil had met him, Janus was 19 and a compulsive liar. Virgil wasn’t much better, having just gotten kicked out of the foster system. Virgil lived with Janus (and soon Remus) until The Dark Sides had enough income for Virgil to live on his own (technically Janus had more than enough money for that- his parents were loaded. But Virgil wanted to have something that he earned. He wasn’t just some charity case). When they first lived together, Virgil could never tell what Janus was actually thinking. It took a lot of time and trust to separate Janus from Deceit. Now, he was still heavily sarcastic, and he tended to close himself off when he got upset, but Janus had come a long way.

Virgil looked back to his phone. Patton didn’t seem to have it as bad as Janus did, but you could never tell. At least he acknowledged that he wasn’t okay. There is the chance that something really is bothering him, but Virgil had to trust Patton on that note. It is entirely possible that Patton is just feeling down today; God knows how many times Virgil would question why he should get out of bed. He bit his lip. What helps me when I feel sad for no reason? He smiled, remembering when Remus would spout the most obscene things to distract himself from his own negative thinking. A distraction.

V- (9:56 PM) Did you know that giraffes can clean their ears with their own tongues?

P- (9:56 PM) What?

V- (9:56 PM) “Rhythm” is the longest word in the English language that doesn’t have a vowel.

V- (9:56 PM) Elephants are the only mammals that cannot jump.

P- (9:57 PM) More like Elecan’t!

V- (9:57 PM) Haha :)

V- (9:57 PM) Without food coloring, Coca Cola would be green.

V- (9:57 PM) A 3-year-old boy was elected as mayor in Dorset, Minnesota

P- (9:58 PM) No way!

V- (9:58 PM) Yes way! His name was James Tufts.

V- (9:58 PM) 7 different dogs have been elected as mayors in the US.

P- (9:58 PM) I love dogs! They’re such good boys!

Virgil smiled, adding Loves Dogs to his mental list of Quirky things I like about Patton Morale. They continued to talk about dog mayors for a while until Patton ended it abruptly.

P- (10:14 PM) Why are you doing this?

V- (10:14 PM) Doing what?

P- (10:15 PM) Why are you going out of your way to try and cheer me up? You should’ve stopped talking to me 20 minutes ago. Instead, we’re laying here at 1 AM talking about dog mayors! I would have been fine on my own. Why are you wasting your time on me?

V- (10:16 PM) Pat, if you tell me that I’m wasting my time talking to you, I’m going to have to physically fight you. You are my FRIEND. I care about you. When you’re sad, I WANT to cheer you up. When you’re happy, I WANT to laugh along to your punny jokes. Because I know, at the end of the day, if I was sad and needed someone to cheer me up, you would do it in a heartbeat. You, Lo, and Princey are amazing people, and my time spent with you will NEVER be a waste. I swear.

Virgil sighed, dropping his phone on the bed. He might’ve been too forward with that last text. But it was true. While the four of them weren’t nearly as close as Virgil was with Janus and Remus, he still cared about them a lot.

P- (10:18 PM) Thanks, Virgil. That really means a lot to me

P- (10:18 PM) I’m gonna try and get some sleep now

V- (10:18 PM) Alright Patton, Goodnight

P- (10:18 PM) Goodnight

The next day, Virgil saw a postcard in the window of a gift shop. It had a puppy with sunglasses on the beach, with cartoonish letters saying “Having A WonderFUR Time!” He took a picture and sent it to Princey.

V- (1:08 PM) What’s your address or PO? I wanna send this to Patton.

R- (1:09 PM) Say no more, Hot Topic!

V- (1:09 PM) Aw, you think I’m hot.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Taglist: @bisexualdisaster106 @self-taught-mess @itawalrus

#sanders sides fic #useless gays #LAMP fic #virgil sanders #roman sanders #patton sanders #texting fic

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theycallmegothboy · 4 years

Note

1-100 >:DDDD REVENGE!!!

FELIXXXXXXXXXXXX >:(( 1. Spotify, SoundCloud, or Pandora? -spotify 2. is your room messy or clean? -it’s pretty messy i guess 3. what color are your eyes? -blue and grey

4. do you like your name? why? -yeah it’s fine 5. what is your relationship status? -single 6. describe your personality in 3 words or less -certified intrusive thot 7. what color hair do you have? -brown and rn it’s red 8. what kind of car do you drive? color? -i dont have a car 9. where do you shop? -hot topic, goodwill, target 10. how would you describe your style? -comfy emo 11. favorite social media account -of mine, probably discord or youtube 12. what size bed do you have? -twin >:(( 13. any siblings? -i have 1.5 brothers 14. if you can live anywhere in the world where would it be? why? -probably vancouver, idk canada seems lit 15. favorite snapchat filter? -i like the one with devil horns and a tail but its cute 16. favorite makeup brand(s) -i dont wear makeup 17. how many times a week do you shower? -i used to shower every day, but i dont do anything that gets me dirty so like maybe 3 times but if i leave the house then i shower 18. favorite tv show? -stranger things 19. shoe size? -8 or 9 20. how tall are you? -5′6 with shoes >:(( 21. sandals or sneakers? -sneakers wtf 22. do you go to the gym? -lol no 23. describe your dream date -making some pie or something together and then eating the pie and then sitting on some rooftop looking at stars 24. how much money do you have in your wallet at the moment? -quite a bit actually but i’m saving up for a phone lol so soon it will be like maybe 10 dollars lmao 25. what color socks are you wearing? -not wearing socks but the ones i had earlier were white (ankle length) 26. how many pillows do you sleep with? -just one but it sucks 27. do you have a job? what do you do? -NO BUT IM TRYING TO GET A JOB BUT THE FUCKIN PEOPLE THERE ARE GHOSTING ME AND WONT REPLY TO MY EMAILS SO LIKE SBJHBJS 28. how many friends do you have? -like 4 lmao 29. whats the worst thing you have ever done? -idk nothing super bad but i do a lot of small shit that makes me feel guilty when i realize what i did 30. whats your favorite candle scent? -juniper rosewood 31. 3 favorite boy names -leo, clay, charlie 32. 3 favorite girl names -ivy, uh... idk thats all ive got 33. favorite actor? -no clue 34. favorite actress? -no clue 35. who is your celebrity crush? -not a celeb but i’d smash danny phantom 36. favorite movie? -nightmare before christmas or edward scissorhands 37. do you read a lot? whats your favorite book? -no, but my fav book is probably the prince and the pauper? idk 38. money or brains? -CASH MONEYYYY jk probably brains but if your entire personality is being “smart” like fuck off lmao 39. do you have a nickname? what is it? - a bunch of people call me son (see #49, #100), some call me rat, dumdum, goth boy

40.how many times have you been to the hospital? -just once i think when i was birthed. i also went once with my brother cause he kicked some scissors i left out on the floor and it sliced his toe the fuck open and he needed stitches and i watched him get the stitches and almost passed out :/ 41. top 10 favorite songs -please dont make me do this i dont have it in me 42. do you take any medications daily? -yea i take 20mg of vyvanse but i need to get it raised to 30 cause 20 is Not Enough 43. what is your skin type? (oily, dry, etc) -i got some dry fuckin skin yall dont even know 44. what is your biggest fear? -it depends. the dark is a pretty constant one though 45. how many kids do you want? -like 2 or 3 eventually 46. whats your go to hair style? -in my face, looking stupid 47. what type of house do you live in? (big, small, etc) -it’s pretty small 48. who is your role model? -i dont fuckin know lmao 49. what was the last compliment you received? - “i belive in you, my son, you’re an amazing human being“ (same friend mentioned in #100, not actually a parent of mine) 50. what was the last text you sent? -”no it’s a raccoon“ YOU GET NO CONTEXT LMAO 51. how old were you when you found out santa wasn’t real? -i dont think i ever hardcore believed in him, maybe i did though i remember sleeping under the tree one christmas eve waiting for him but i was like “oh yeah that makes sense“ i guess 52. what is your dream car? -i honestly dont give a shit as long as it actually fucking works 53. opinion on smoking? -cigarettes? fuck no that’s nastyyy. weed? that’s fine i guess but wait till you’re like 18. 54. do you go to college? -no. am sophomore n highschool 55. what is your dream job? -musician/palentologist 56. would you rather live in rural areas or the suburbs? -fuck the suburbs lmao, but also im tired of rural, so like.. semi urban?? 57. do you take shampoo and conditioner bottles from hotels? -no but i take the little soaps >:)) 58. do you have freckles? -yes 59. do you smile for pictures? -awkwardly, yes 60. how many pictures do you have on your phone? -dont have a phone but i have like 12 on my computer currently. 4 are of me, the rest are of my cat or random shit 61. have you ever peed in the woods? -yes 62. do you still watch cartoons? -cartoons these days kinda suck but like if they were good fuck yeah i would like gravity falls can come hang yknow? 63. do you prefer chicken nuggets from Wendy’s or McDonalds? -i had nuggets from mcdonalds today so i guess them? i dont really care 64. Favorite dipping sauce? -i got sweet and sour but i dont like it that much. that schezuan sauce was great 65. what do you wear to bed? -wouldnt you like to know? ;)) 66. have you ever won a spelling bee? -NO ive only been in two. the first one i misspelled the word “turmoil“ cause i had never heard it before and the second one i spelled the word “owed“ as “ode“ cause i was thinking like ode to joy and then i felt like a big Fool afterwards :(( 67. what are your hobbies? -lol what hobbies 68. can you draw? -i am physically able to draw, but not well, no 69 (haha). do you play an instrument? -yeah i play a few 70. what was the last concert you saw? -i saw Chicago in either georgia or tennessee i cant remember in like 2016 71. tea or coffee? -hot coffee, iced tea. NOT the other way around. (i love both though) 72. Starbucks or Dunkin Donuts? -starbucks 73. do you want to get married? -sure why not 74. what is your crush’s first and last initial? -dont have a crush 75. are you going to change your last name when you get married? -idk maybe 76. what color looks best on you? -i dont know but i wear black a lot and that’s pretty dope 77. do you miss anyone right now? -yeah 78. do you sleep with your door open or closed? -closed 79. do you believe in ghosts? -on the fence. not 100% “oh my god look at these gHoSt oRbS i need to sage my house!!!“ but i accept that there’s some things i wont understand about the world and that i have no answers to. i wouldnt be surprised if there are, and i wouldnt be surprised if there aren’t. 80. what is your biggest pet peeve? -whatever my adhd decides i viscerally hate with a firey passion right at that moment 81. last person you called -my brother (the 1 of the 1.5 from #13 and the one who sliced his toe in #40) 82. favorite ice cream flavor? -chocolate is dope 83. regular oreos or golden oreos? -regular double stuff. if you say golden, mint, peppermint, or thin oreos i’m gonna have to euthanize you, i dont make the rules. 84. chocolate or rainbow sprinkles? -rainbow cause it’s prettier 85. what shirt are you wearing? -queen shirt from hot topic 86. what is your phone background? -i didnt get a phone between question 60 and now but my computer one is some mountains with the moon in the background 87. are you outgoing or shy? -really depends on who i’m around 88. do you like it when people play with your hair? -YES FUCK AAAAAAA (this girl played with my hair literally once in middle school and i was like oh shit and i had a crush on her until the end of middle school true story,,, so ashley if you’re out there-) 89. do you like your neighbors? -to the left they’re fine and their dog is nice but idk what happened to the horses so that’s sus but that’s where our cat came from so they can hang guess, behind me they’re fine but their boys are loud, to the right they’re fine, and even further to the right are the dope neighbors and waaaaaaaaaay far to the right is a llama and he’s dope as hell 90. do you wash your face? at night? in the morning? -whenever the fuck i remember to/have the energy 91. have you ever been high? -i dont think so but i wouldnt put it past myself 92. have you ever been drunk? -not that i can remember, no 93. last thing you ate? -sloppy joe from a can 94. favorite lyrics right now -”not gonna waste my life, cause i’ve been fucked up“ 95. summer or winter? -fall. fuck you 96. day or night? -night but i like it when it’s actually night and it doesnt get dark at like 4 fucking pm cause that makes me depressed 97. dark, milk, or white chocolate? -dark is good, milk is fine, white is only suitable for fancy stripes on chocolate covered strawberries 98. favorite month? -i vibe with september 99. what is your zodiac sign -sagittarius (was almost a scorpio but i was holding out >:))) 100. who was the last person you cried in front of? -in person, my mom like 6 months ago, on a discord call, my friend (i love you by the way, you’re the best,,, i dont think he has tumblr but im just putting it out there) like a month or so ago. i hate crying in front of people, i turn into such a hyperventilating snot monster which is not suitable for human gaze and thats the real tea :/

felix this took like 2 hours of my life i will never get back i hate you and i hope you’re happy with what you’ve done <3 <3

also anyone who wants to stalk me, enjoy this information that im handing to you on a silver platter :)) <3

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alediazpizarro · 4 years

Text

Senior Soundtrack

Music is a love language. Lo he tuiteado, lo he dicho, y —con ustedes— lo he vivido. Parte de mis 7 años en ASF ha sido la música que he compartido: canciones que son intereses en común, recomendaciones, o hasta tracks de obras de teatro que nunca voy a borrar de mi memoria. After all, de eso se trata la música en parte: de acordarse. Y sepan que cada vez que oiga una de las canciones en esta lista, va junto con su recuerdo. A todos ustedes, de todo corazón, gracias. No sé que sería de mi vida sin ustedes.

Les dejo la playlist que construyeron conmigo, whether you knew it or not, de 2014 para acá.

PS: si no aparece su nombre en esta lista de canciones, lo único que quiere decir es que we have yet to share a song. Los adoro a todos.

Abarca

Burn · Lin Manuel Miranda You have the voice of an angel, and every time I think of this song I no longer hear it in Philippa Soo’s voice, but in yours.

Tuyo · Rodrigo Amarante Dancing Kermit.

Alexander

"Eungenio” Salvador Dalí · Mecano We love the music, hate the lyrics.

Na Na Na · My Chemical Romance Debate bus trips. Blasting it from the backseat, with Nesquik and cold pasta at hand.

I’m Not Okay · My Chemical Romance “¿Estos son los Rolling Stones?”

Being Alive · Stephen Sondheim Life’s dream: be Bobby. Not literally. That would suck.

If I Could Tell Her · Benj Pasek & Justin Paul You once said this is the song you would dedicate to me. Though I think we’ve grown past that, I will always remember how warm it made me feel when you said it.

Ana

Isle of Flightless Birds · Twenty One Pilots Ya sé que me odias, pero DARARAAAARAAA

I’m Low on Gas and You Need a Jacket · Pierce The Veil El concierto que más he disfrutado en mi vida (and that’s saying a lot), y parte de por qué fue porque fui contigo. Lloramos en esta canción y en el video que grabé con mi horrible teléfono se oye lo feo que cantamos.

In the Aeroplane Over the Sea · Neutral Milk Hotel De un Tiktok (de miles) que me mandaste pero de los pocos que sí abrí.

Numb · Linkin Park WAWAWAWAWAWA

Anna

Fashionista · Jimmy James Really obscure pre-middle school memory, pero every time it gets stuck in my head me acuerdo de ver el lyrics video en el ballet y la miss Celia regañándonos.

Ari

Life Itself · Glass Animals It slaps. Plus, concert.

Remember When · Wallows My favorite song in my “Drive” playlist, cada vez que sale I remember sitting in the backseat of your dad’s car and you turning the volume up so we could drive over the Reforma speed limit with this blasting.

The Cave of Two Lovers · That LSD guy from Avatar SECRET TUNNEL!!!!!!!! SECRET TUNNEL!!!! THROUGH THE MOUNTAIN!!!! SECRET SECRET SECRET SECRET TUNNEEEEEEEL!!!! (No Spotify version, so here’s the surf rock cover.)

Covarrubias

Toxic · A Static Lullaby Flashbacks a clase de Ms. Miranda en 7º.

Back to Black · Amy Winehouse No puedo oír esta canción sin acordarme de tu audición para Grease. Rizzo could-have-been?

Diana

The Adults Are Talking · The Strokes Es chill yet vaguely nostalgic Diana vibes to the max.

Stuck on the Puzzle · Alex Turner Thank you for liking Alex Turner. :`)

Dark Red · Steve Lacy Memorias de una tarde que pasamos armando Repentinos con una mini guillotina y pláticas de Dinamarca.

Diego

Thinking of a Place · The War on Drugs La primera que me recomendaste, y la mejor para manejar de noche.

Vissi d’Arte · Giacomo Puccini No creo que hubiera visto Tosca si no me la hubieras recomendado. Qué bueno que lo hiciste, porque esta aria se volvió de mis favoritas.

Money · Pink Floyd Alguna vez jugamos music trivia en el salón de Stearns y me acuerdo de que yo todavía no la ubicaba pero tú la adivinaste sin problema. Years later, eres la persona que sé que le gusta Pink Floyd tanto como a mí. Lástima de Roger. :(

Layla · Derek & The Dominoes Este año tuve un classic rock renaissance que empezó, you guessed it, cuando me recomendaste esta. Clapton no falla.

Klavierkonzert Nr. 21, No. 2 “Andante” · Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart También me hiciste escuchar mucha más música clásica de la que conocía, y aprendí a disfrutarla. Esta sigue siendo mi favorita.

Sara · Fleetwood Mac De las pocas de Fleetwood Mac que no conocía pero que me recomendaste en uno de esos exchanges a las 12 am y que oí con audífonos in the dark.

Resguardum Ether · León Larregui También de las pocas de este cuate que nunca había oído pero que se volvió de mis favoritas.

Fer

Good Life · OneRepublic Buenas vibes.

Can’t Fight This Feeling · REO Speedwagon Horton --> improvised conciertos en el baño.

What the Heck I Gotta Do · Lin Manuel Miranda Más conciertos de regadera/vestidor en lo que nos arreglamos juntas.

Beth · KISS El club Glee y el karaoke en el Wii.

Miss Jackson · Panic! At The Disco No lo vas a admitir, pero te gusta mi música y lo sabes. Anytime que dudas, sólo es cuestión de ponerte esta.

The Man · The Killers Nada como nuestros buenos trips manejando de noche.

Fernando

The Bad Touch · Bloodhound Gang You and me, baby, we ain’t nothing but mammals...

EugeRiq

This Life · Vampire Weekend Siempre que la oigo pienso en ti.

I Wear Glasses · Mating Ritual Me la recomendaste en alguna de mis countless Close Friends stories.

Jose

I’m Gonna Be (500 Miles) · The Proclaimers Picture it: a gaggle of eight or so kids marching around Cumbres de Santa Fe loudly screaming this in a terrible Scottish accent after watching a horror movie.

Somebody Else · Clones of Clones A bop!

Ocean Man · Ween I will only say four words: Lord of the Flies.

Lauro

Desencuentro · Residente ft. Soko Clases de Domínguez contigo were always lovely. Plus, who could forget the iconic “NO HAY SEÑAL”?

I Don’t Know How to Love · The Drums Otra de cuando we were still developing our own music tastes.

Luz

Papaoutai · Stromae De cuando estábamos haciendo Haiti research and really wanted to get into the francophone mindset.

Moonlight Sonata · Ludwig Van Beethoven Those Knowledge Bowl kids never saw it coming.

Beware of the Boys (Mundian To Bach Ke) · Panjabi MC Memoria tangible de Vancouver: cuando pusiste esta en el restaurante indio al que fuimos.

Madison

I Know Things Now · Stephen Sondheim No sé cuántas veces me ayudaste a ensayar esta canción. Me ayudaste muchísimo todo Into the Woods, y desde ahí en 6º sé que te tengo como amiga.

Mare

Rumour Has It · Adele ¿Te acuerdas del proyecto que hicimos de Mr. Kamm en 7º estilo “fleas on rats”? Literal después de que usamos esta canción ya no puedo cantar las lyrics de la original.

Mariana

Bitter Sweet Symphony · The Verve La oíamos dizque “para concentrarnos” en el salón de Austin.

Pas de Quatre from Swan Lake · Piotr Ilyich Tchaikovsky De cuando te fui a ver bailar ballet con Fran. :)

Tú y Yo Somos Uno Mismo · Timbiriche EL SOL

Manu

Fly Away · Laid Back The moment you played this at Montero’s party you literally made everyone be vibing. It’s like the Fairy Godmother of Chill. That was also the day you stopped being “Manu from TEDx” and were just “Manu” there on. Probably ‘cause you appreciated my ability to drive a stick. :`)

MDRH

Choke · I Don’t Know How But They Found Me I wouldn’t like this Dallon spinoff as much as I do without you. It’s like emo, but evolved, mature— like you. In a good, compliment-y way.

Oceans · Frank Iero Remember when we were gonna see him in concert? :( Thanks for being the only person with whom I can enjoy weird throaty emo screamy shit. At least the guitar is good.

House of Wolves · My Chemical Romance Something about the aggressive guitar and fast pace of this song has always reminded me of you.

Mich

Tear in my Heart · Twenty One Pilots Your Koreaboo initiation before you even knew it.

The Kids Aren’t Alright · Fall Out Boy Remember the lyrics from this I wrote as a dedication in your eighth grade yearbook? I meant them.

I Write Sins Not Tragedies · Panic! At The Disco I CHIME IN—

She’s My Winona · Fall Out Boy Something about Folie à Deux, and especially about this song, always carries a you vibe.

Perfect · Simple Plan From when you got angsty and Montes called you out on it. Then it became a bit of a joke.

One of THOSE Nights · The Cab Back in seventh grade, this was the most ambitious crossover ever attempted.

Montse

I Want To Hold Your Hand · The Beatles De cuando saturamos la rockola del Johnny Rocket’s con 15 canciones y pensaron que no servía. But we knew. Plus, a really fun Snapchat video de nosotras bajando las escaleras a tambos y aplausos con esta canción.

Something · The Beatles Too bad Eric Clapton stole George Harrison’s wife.

I Am the Walrus · The Beatles Want to feel what it’s like to do acid without actually doing it? Play this song on Rock Band!

Don’t You (Forget About Me) · Simple Minds De la única pijamada que me han dejado hacer, donde vimos tu película favorita. An unforgettable night with an unforgettable person.

Pato

Hit the Back · King Princess The best experience of my life was one I’m glad I shared with you. Still want to murder those Rock Lobster loiterers though— blocked us from KP. >:(

Just the Same · Bruno Major I had never heard of him, but to be next to you enjoying him, with our KP t-shirts in my bag and just-refilled water bottles, was one of the highlights of my night.

The Louvre · Lorde Remember when we played Melodrama in your bedroom? This is the song that I feel best captivates that: shoes on the floor, laying softly on the bed, sunlight streaming in through the window, the vinyl spinning, and a general feeling of levity.

No You Girls · Franz Ferdinand Friendly reminder of literally the worst physical experience of our lives. :))))

The Other Side of Paradise · Glass Animals The first GA song I ever showed you, which is a nice chain thing because it’s the first GA song I ever listened to that Jordan showed me. And a birthday vinyl we played in your room.

Romina

The Only Thing · Sufjan Stevens This entire album is your personality. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.

Futile Devices · Sufjan Stevens Same as above. It’s not your fault you’re a Sufjan Suf-stan. But every time I listen to Sufjan I remember you playing him at the Open Mic. That’s a very nice feeling.

Mama · My Chemical Romance Indisputably goes HARD and hey what are mommy issues without a little angst/general gender confusion?

Sam

Goodie Bag · Still Woozy El día del college fair que estuvimos juntas al principio y conocimos a la USC rep que nos cagó traías tu camisa de Still Woozy. Since then, el grupo me recuerda a ti.

Vale

Heart of Glass · Miley Cyrus Tú viviste esta out-of-body transcendental experience al mismo tiempo que yo, el día de mi cena.

Don’t Stop · Fleetwood Mac Espero que ya te guste Rumours completo. :)

Yuhis

Chiquitita · ABBA I didn’t know you could sing. After listening to you sing this one (and almost crying), I wondered why you didn’t do it more often.

Beauty School Dropout · Frankie Avalon I am sorry pero literal I can only think of this song in your voice. Iconic!

Gracias por todo. Los quiero. Los voy a extrañar.

0 notes

yehet-me-up · 5 years

Text

Our Firsts / My Last

Pairing: Exo Mall Chanyeol x reader

Genre: fluff/emo/angst (all the feels)

Rating: PG13 for language and mentions of sex

Word Count: 2,089

Request: fuck can i add 12 to that too. i’m sweating 12. ‘I can still get you wet and I can still make you laugh.’ @yeoldontknow I hope you like your 90s dream husband <3 Also including the “Semi-charmed life” song fic request in here since it’s already a 90s boi smorgasbord!

The first time I saw you it was seven a.m. the morning of our first day of Junior year at Burke, it was cold and rainy. Unsurprising, given it was Seattle, but sometimes the freezing sleet even caught me off guard.

I was hiding under the cover of the walkway by the gym, making plans with Baekhyun for a back-to-school concert at the fountain when I saw you sprinting through the rain.

I don’t know what it was that drew me to you, even all these years later.

Was it the way your nose wrinkled with amusement as you stood under the cover of the opposite walkway by the student center?

Was it the long black coat you wore, with the big silver buttons, that made you look so much older than your sixteen years?

Was it the way your hair stuck to your face and made me wish my fingers could do the same in that moment?

Was it your backpack covered with band logo patches that I could see even from across the way?

Whatever it was, it stuck.

I watched you walk away and disappear through the doors until Baekhyun elbowed me. I had no idea who you were then, had no premonition of how you’d become my everything. I only knew that I wanted to talk to you.

The first time I heard your name, later that day in Advanced Placement Music Theory, I wanted to tattoo it across my forehead.

From my usual spot in the back of the class I watched you take careful notes of the syllabus. Mine was already crumpled and shoved in my backpack. I’d long ago given up doing anything in school for the grades or the prestige; I did music for the love of it.

It’s still such a clear moment - how I was drumming my fingers on my knee, staring up at the Coltrane poster Mr. Caruso had hung alongside several others.

But then you spoke, and my world changed.

All I wanted was for you to keep talking and never stop. You could read the ingredients on a can of soup and I would be entranced. The phone book would sound like poetry in your rich and steady voice.

It was three days before I got my chance to talk to you one on one. After lunch and before class I learned you waited in the music room with your headphones on and your eyes closed.

My heart jumped into my throat when I saw you sitting there, lost in the music. I focused on putting one foot in front of the other and sat down in the seat next to you.

The sounds of Van Halen coming through were not what I was expecting and I liked that. So many people are predictable, a puzzle that’s too easy to solve - and I was learning you’re nothing like that.

Taking a deep breath I tapped you on the shoulder. I’m sorry for the way I scared you, still. But I can’t deny your shriek made me laugh. Still does.

When you turned those eyes on me, I was a goner.

When you smiled as me and told me about how your dad introduced you to the band, along with many others, I was a goner.

When you leaned over and wrote the name of an album I knew, but pretended I didn’t, on a piece of paper, your perfume reached me and I was a goner.

When you said my name, as more people started filing into the class, you looked so beautiful as you tried out the word on your tongue, I was a goner.

The first time Kyungsoo invited you to Dick’s drive in with us after class it felt so right I had to check myself from reaching for you.

What would you have done if I’d slid my arm around your shoulders and pulled you against my side? Would you have given me one of those dazzling smiles and wrapped your arm around my waist? Would you have shoved me off and raised a brow?

I can’t know, but I know that night was the first time I realized I wanted to touch you more than I wanted to breathe. You dished it right back out to Baekhyun whenever he made a joke. You and Kyungsoo were friends first and it burned in my stomach for about five minutes until I realized you were really, truly, just friends.

You talked with me about Nirvana until a sleepy Baekhyun made us finally part. As I drove us back to our respective homes I realized I wanted to be yours and I wanted you to be mine.

The first time I touched you, two weeks later at a concert by the Needle, I didn’t want any hands but mine to know how soft your skin is. Baekhyun made us late and we were stuck at the back of the crowd, by the fountain. I held your hand to help you climb up on one of the concrete benches and I didn’t want to let go.

Did you know then, that I was falling in love with you? Is that why you let me hold on for far longer than the situation dictated? Is that why you smiled at me softly through your lashes before turning away suddenly?

When I asked you out a few weeks later, did you know that I was sweating underneath my hoodie? I was sure I’d die if you said no.

I told you I liked you in every way. You said you felt the same. Nothing has ever come close to how my heart exploded in that moment. Well, nothing until last Halloween when you agreed to marry me.

I realized I loved you the first time I kissed you, in my car after the party.

As I held your face in my hands and finally, finally, got to taste you, I was ruined for anyone else.

In all the years we spent apart, whenever I’d see someone and wonder if I should go after her, I’d think of that kiss.

The way we fogged up the windows. The way you laughed as you climbed over the gear shift and onto my lap so you could ‘get a better handle on me.’

The way our make up was absolutely ruined and neither of us cared. The way you were finally, deliciously, absolutely, completely mine.

The first time I told my parents about you, I said you were my girlfriend, but an odd part of my brain almost made me say wife instead.

It’s funny to think about it, now that you’ll officially be that next week. But in the moment, at seventeen, I was shaken.

It was like the wormhole in that episode of Star Trek Baek loves. As if the current moment when you were my newly minted girlfriend and the eventual moment in the future when we’d be married smacked together and exploded in my mind.

Did I look like I’d seen a ghost, that night when we went to the movies together? Did I play with your hair too much, kiss your shoulder too much, stroke the skin of your thigh too much? Did you wonder where the intensity came from?

I sat there for hours in the dark. I don’t even remember what the movie was anymore. All I could think about or see was you. I wondered what kind of magic spell you’d cast over me that suddenly I wanted nothing but you. You, my friends, music, Seattle. Nothing else mattered.

I held onto that wild dream for weeks, hoping you wouldn’t realize that I wasn’t good enough for you and leave.

The first time we made love I thought I’d died and gone to heaven. Holding you and being inside you was the most vulnerable and raw experience of my life up until that point or since. I know you felt it too, how my heart was yours and yours was mine. How we’d taken our souls and bonded them forever.

When I woke up that next morning holding you I cried as you slept. I wept silent tears of awe and gratitude and love until I silently laughed to myself and woke you up. I wiped the wetness off my cheeks and kissed you to distract you from the fact that my heart was in my eyes.

You were a tsunami that came in and swept all else away. All I could do was surrender to the glorious moment and thank the universe for sending you my way.

The first time we argued I almost got on my knees to beg you to stay. It wasn’t even a fight, really. Just me overreacting to the way Daniel Abrams put his hand on your shoulder at the concert my band played, just after New Year’s.

I listed endless reasons why you should stay with me that night. Said that I was the only one who could make you laugh so hard you snorted. That I could get you wet with a look. That I’d never be threatened that you’re going to be more successful than I was. That I was the only one who got your music taste. The only one who would never laugh at you when you cry over how beautiful meteor showers are.

I brought myself so small at the thought of you leaving that it scared me. When you crouched down and pulled me into your arms, when you said you loved me like you’d never loved anyone, when you said you’d never leave, that’s when I finally relaxed.

I knew in that moment you were my home and my family and I’d do anything to protect you.

The first time I lost you, it was my fault. I was terrified of holding you back, of being the thing to ruin your future. I saw the way my parents were dismissive of me and couldn’t imagine anything worse than waking up ten, twenty, thirty years later and realizing I’d failed you, tied you to a life you didn’t want.

It broke me apart to leave and only your faith and trust put me back together again, when you forgave me and took me back. When I woke in the morning after our second first time together I swore I’d never be stupid enough to lose you again.

I knew I’d propose to you eleven months before I did it. At the Rolling Stones and Third Eye Blind concert at the Kingdome you surprised me with for my birthday, I knew that I wanted to ask you on Halloween.

As we swayed back and forth under the lights, surrounded by the crowd, I could already see it.

I’d be Gomez and you’d be Morticia. I’d set up that sweet gazebo in Baekhyun’s backyard with rose petals and turn on every single twinkle light he had. At midnight I’d take you out back and serenade you with all your favorite songs and probably cry (okay, by now you know I actually did cry).

I’d get down on my knee and take your hands in mine and kiss them and I’d tell you how you own every part of me. I’d tell you there’s nothing of mine that isn’t also yours. I’d tell you I love you wholly and completely, but without expectation. I’d tell you I never want to cage you in, I just want to be the one who gets to fly beside you.

I spent all night lost in the music with you in my arms, planning our future. It went even better than I planned.

Now I’m sitting here, trying to write my vows, and all I want to do is tell our story to the world.

About how I was a fool and let the person I loved go to save them, but by some miracle you still came back to me. I’d say that we became even stronger people without each other, and now that we’re together they’ll have to pry me off you with a crowbar.

How I learned that if something is meant to be, if two people are meant to be, they’ll both fight for it.

All I want to sing is our love story. What else could I promise you that you don’t already have?

My heart is yours. My body. My soul. My past. My present. My future.

My first. My last. My always and forever love.

My wife.

#DRABBLEPALOOZA #chanyeol x reader #chanyeol fluff #chanyeol fanfic #chanyeol au #exo x reader #exo fluff #exo fanfic #exo au #exodus mall

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lamp-up-my-ass · 5 years

Text

You wanna know what I want?

I am a lover of all things angst, and this includes toxic relationships, and sanders sides fanfic has not failed me with this. Theres the steadily growing amount of unsympathetic patton relationships gowing around, and a hanfull of unsympathitic roman fics ive seen. But the most ive seen is with deceit and remus being the abusers. I get it, its easy to put them in this role sense theyve been labeled the dark sides, but youre missing so much angst potential! So ive compiled some fic ideas revolving around these two characters.

Warnings:teen/adult, physical abuse, mental abuse, injury mention, smothering behavior, self harm, emotional abuse, blood, crying, breakdowns, isolating behavior, and unsympathetic patton and virgil.

Mociet with unsympathitic Patton

This can work in so many gut wrenching ways. Patton is so offten seen as the Dad friend, so maybe a fic where is older and Deceit younger? Imagine a 23 year old Patton, known for being nicest guy in the town, meeting 16 year old Deceit who, despite his punk style, is relatively sheltered and innocent. Patton prays on this innocence, but is put off by Deceits style, so he sets out to change him. All Pattonhas to do is treat Deceit to some tasty foods and kind words, and the teen cant stop thinking of him. Patton makes the first move and kisses Dee with no warning, before pressuring and convincing Dee into a relationship. They keep it secret, and for a while it's good. Until its not.

Patton starts to "accidentally" lose the clothes Dee would leave at his apartment, in exchange smothering him in gifts. Gifts of scratchy yellow sweaters and too tight pastel converse and other things that aren't his style. At first Patton acts normal when Dee doesn't wear these things, and its fine. Until one day Dee cant find his normal leather jacet on a cold day and opts to wear the sweater. He visits his boyfriend after school, and Patton instantly starts to cover Dee in praise when he sees him, calling him adorable and his little sunflower. They even have a heavy makeout session that abrudtly ends when Pat sees the black band T underneath the sweater. But its fine, Dee tells himself, probably nothing.

From then on, Deceit starts to notice how Patton becomes more distant, only ever gifting him cutesy clothes. All he wants is the attention he got that one day. So he starts to wear the clothes. Even when the sweater on his skin itches or the converse leaves small blisters or the bright colours leave him feeling uncomfortable. Its a small price to pay for the adoring look patton gives him.

Then, one day Deceit decides to wear his leather fingerless gloves on his date with Patt. When Patt answers the apartment door, he instanly frowns at the gloves. The dinner they have is stiff and quiet, patton not even glancing at the teen. When dinner is over and Dee is about to leave, Patt stops him. He asks why hes wearing those gloves, and starts to insult Dee. The teen tries to counter argue him, but Patts shouting and its scaring him. He never shouts.

Dee backs a few steps away, attempting to put space between him and his lover, but he bumps into one of Pattons flower vases and it shatters. Patton becomes more angry, screaming and stomping towards the boy. He grabs Dee and rips the gloves off. Dee panics and pushes himself away, but thats puts him off his balance. He falls backwards, onto the glass. The shards push into his hands and hes bleeding. Dee becomes upset, but before he can shout at Patt, his boyfriends there.

He has tears in his eyes and is apologising, pulling the teen into a tight hug. He keeps saying sorry and that he didnt mean too. He picks the boy up and puts him on the couch, smothering him in compliments. When patt "calms down" he attempts to lighten the mood. He says " next time dont be so clumsy." Dee ends up staying the night, missing school the next day. This is the last time he wears something like that.

When hes home, he gets a package from Patton. The note says " so that your not sutch a clutz next time :D." Inside theres a pair of pure white gloves, with little embroidered sunflowers.

Anxceit with Unsympathitic Virgil

This idea was easy to come up with. Virgil is the embodiment of anxiety and theres alot of things that can make you anxious in relationships.

They met at a concert. Deceit say the shorter man and his rainbow pin amd decided to give it a shot. He flirted with the little emo, cautious on if he was uncomfortable. They hit it off and went to a starbucks after the concert to get to know each other.

They kept in touch and continued to grow closer. Suprisingly, it was Virgil who asked him out. Their relationship was perfect. They ended up dating for 1 and a half years before they decided it was time to move in together.

Deceit noticed the change immediately. Whenever he would be on his phone, Virgil would go quiet. Whenever Dee came home from something or another, Virgil would launch himself at the taller individual. At first Dee thought nothing of this, thinking it was cute even. Until it was not.

Deceit had went out and visited some friends, talking and joking around with each other. Dee felt the constant buzzing of his phone in his pocket, but ignored it to speak to his friends. When he finally arrived home, he foumd out his mistake. Virgil stood in the living room, head bowed, and asked where dee was. Deciet responded quietly, concerned for his partner. Verge looked up and asked "why didnt you respond to my messages?!" Dee was taken aback, confused by Virgils behavior. Virgil saw this and started shouting at him. Right when Dee was about to respond, Virgil started to break down into sobs. Deciet ran over to him and tried to calm him down, but the other wouldnt stop repeating " dont leave me." When finally calm, virge looked up at Deceit and asked " can you please just tell me when you go somewhere?" Deceit agreed.

Things like this kept progressing, Virgil crying and breaking down any time Deceit doesn't tell him when he leaves the house. He starts to even get upset anytime Dee dosent text 5 minutes after he texts him, saying how hes scared that Dees leaving. Deceit feels bad for his partner, so he stops leaving the house for anything thats not work or food. Virgil is very happy about this. But only for a bit.

Since Deceit starts to be at home more, he keeps up with his freinds through text. He doesnt tell the why he stopped hanging out with them, ignoring the question anytime its asked. Virgil notices Dee being on his phone so often, and becomes jealous. One day, he sees Dee laughing at something on his phone, and jumps to conclusions. Virgil stomps over to Deceit and yanks the phone from his hands. He starts to shout, accusing him of cheating and lieing. Once agian, right before Dee is about to respond, Virgil cries. Once again he says hes scared and doesnt want him to leave. Deceit comforts Virgil, and Verge asks him something. "Can you just let me look at your phone when i get scared? Please?" Deceit agrees.

And once again, its all fine. They fall into a routine. Dee goea to work, calls Verge on his lunch brake, comes straight home, talk to Virgil, help make dinner, eat, have Virge check his phone, watch tv, and go to bed. It was simple. But Deceit was lonely. He missed his friends, missed seeing them and knowing whats going on in there life. So one day, Dee goes into his room and voice chats his friends.

Virgil enters and Dee stops the call. Virgil is mad. Hes shouting at Deciet and accusing him cheating once again. When hes done shouting, he glares at Dee and demands to see his phone. Deceit says no. This is the wrong answer.

Virgils eyes go wide, before turning around and marching out the room, slamming the door behind him. Deceit doesnt make a move until he hears Verge open a kitchen drawer. Deceit races out the bedroom to see Virgil cutting his arms with a knife. Dee grabs him and triea to get him to stop, only for Virgil to drop the knife and fall to the ground. Hes sobbing, saying that he has nothing to live for without Deceit. Deceit tries to calm him and carefully cares for his wounds, virgil still in tears.

Deceit doesnt contact his friends for a long time after that.

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Hi! So these were just two of many ideas ive been having, and i hope you enjoyed! I plan to make a part 2 to this with lociet, roceit, and intruciet. If thats something youre intrested in, give me some feed back! Im ooen to any constructive criticism, and please tell me if i left any trigger warnings un named. Also, remember i have nothing against Patton and Virge, i actually enjoy them quiet a bit, so dont think I hate them or something! I just wanted to write something small including things like different types of abuse and character takes, im not saying that these characters are truly like this. Anyway, hope you enjoyed!!

#sander sides #deceit sanders #sympathetic deceit #patton sanders #unsympathetic patton #virgil sanders #unsympathetic virgil #trigger warning #tw violence #tw abuse #tw blood #tw self harm #tw manipulation

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stars-and-rose · 6 years

Text

lacrosse and starbucks

alternately called: band au shenanigans? band au shenanigans.

really, i was planning on updating cursed kingdom this weekend. or heart point. or both.

but my phone (which contains all my notes for both aus) had other ideas.

it died. i don’t mean the battery is out. i mean, it is completely done for.

so, until i get another phone (which should be very soon) and can recover my notes, it’s gonna be a little hard to update those aus. i’m currently rewriting my cursed kingdom notes in a notebook because my trust in phones has died.

in short, shit has hit the fan, and to make up for that, I found a drabble (whoops it’s actually almost 2k words) it wrote for my band au. soooooo here we go! it managed to become pining prinxiety and logically and I'm not sure how

Fandom: Thomas Sanders/Sanders Sides

Pairings: Highkey pining Prinxiety, and Logicality

Summary: Junior year is almost over... the concert is in four days time, and at that concert, leadership position's will be announced. So what is Virgil doing? Practicing? no. Sitting at his c- friends lacrosse game and getting coffee? yes

Word Count: 1908

Trigger Warnings: Cursing and Implied parental death (brief, mentioned in a single sentence)

Virgil could list a thousand other things he could be doing at the moment. He could be finishing his sociology report. He could be practicing his solo for the concert, which was less than a week away. He could be helping the younger members of the school's poetry group finish their writings for the slam coming up.

Instead, he had his back against the bleachers, his dark jean jacket hanging loosely off his shoulders and his eyes focused on the puffy clouds in a blue sky. He had been focusing on the game, but the opposite school had called a timeout and they were taking too long.

He wouldn't have been watching the lacrosse game if it weren't for the fact that one of its chief players was both his ride home and his best friend. Virgil looked away from the sky and back to the players, spotting Roman by his number. The honey blonde was twisting around his lacrosse stick, eyes focused only on the opponent. Roman got always got like this, it didn't matter if it was a lacrosse game, an audition or a friendly debate with Logan, another one of their friends; Roman’s mind was set on 'win' and it was a one-track mind on that setting.

The ref blew his whistle, and the game started back up. Virgil didn't exactly understand how the game worked, but he still sat in the stands, cheering when someone in blue and gold made a goal. No matter how hard he tried, however, he couldn't focus on any player that wasn't Roman for more than ten seconds. It didn't help his cause that Romans ass look particularly good in the lacrosse uniform-

Just as the thought caused Virgil's cheeks to tint pink, his phone began to vibrate in his pocket. He pulled out his phone and noticed the caller ID- 🌸DAD🌸

It wasn't Virgil's actual father- rather, it the last member of their quartet, Patton. Virgil has been waiting for this call. He stood, his jacket falling off as he walked down the bleachers, apologizing to anyone he knocked into. After getting a decent way away from the game (so he could hear over the shouting and the clashing of sticks), he accepted the call.

He blinked as a pixelated image of Patton's face filled the screen. The brunet smiled at him, "Hey kiddo! How's the game going?"

Virgil snorted, "Bold if you to assume I understand how sports work. I think they're doing well though- Ro hasn't thrown a fit yet. But that's not important- how did your interview go?"

Patton twisted a loose piece of his hair with his free hand. "I'm honestly not sure. Mr. Sanders was smiling the whole time and he seemed to like my answers, and I kept the right time during the conducting section-"

"Patton, I heard the whole interview from the library. You did stupendously." Patton flushed and turned the camera a bit to show Logan, whose eyes were on the road and his hands were on the steering wheel.

"Yeah, Pat, I bet you did great. If Thomas doesn't give you Drum Major, I'll be really pissed. Who else is going for it? Zia Macintosh? If she gets it I'll riot, because she's a huge bitch." Virgil commented

"Don't be mean." Patton scolded, but the smile on his face contradicted his words.

Virgil rolled his eyes. "What are you guys doing now?"

"I'm treating Patton to ice cream for successfully completing his interview," Logan said, fingers drumming on the steering wheel.

"I cone not believe how nice he is to me." Patton smiled, eyes soft and a bit unfocused. Virgil laughed as Logan groaned at the pun.

"Alright you two, I'm pretty sure Princey's game is over, so I gotta go. Who's doing rides tomorrow?"

"It's my day!" Patton grinned. "Meaning we're gonna leave early and get breakfast at Lottie's!"

Logan let out a groan. "We always arrive at school late when we go to Lottie's!"

"Then we'll get take-out." Patton decided.

"That will suffice. Virgil, make sure you tell Roman to be ready on time."

"I'll make sure the beauty queen is ready," Virgil promised. "See you guys tomorrow."

Virgil hung up, and walked back to the bleachers, looking for his jacket. When it wasn't there, Virgil freaked out a bit. He was just about to climb under the bleachers when he felt the cold material draped around his shoulders. Virgil spun on his heels and almost fell onto Roman.

The blond threw his hands up in mock surrender. "Hey, hey Virge, just me!"

Virgil huffed, blowing a lock of dark hair out of his eyes. "You gave me a heart attack. Why did you take my jacket?"

"I saw that you left it up in the bleachers and grabbed it for you. Ready to go?"

"Do you have your keys?"

Roman rummaged through his letterman (which he wore all the time; Virgil only wore his own every once and a while) and pulled out his keys, which rattled against the various keychains attached. "Mmhm!"

"Then let's go Princey- I want Starbucks." Virgil speed-walked towards Roman's Jeep, ignoring the other boy's protests.

Roman caught up to him as Virgil reached the black car. "Why am I taking you to Starbucks?"

"Because I have a sociology report I have to finish and you have to finish your creative writing assignment and neither of us can function without coffee."

"I hate that you're right," Roman grumbled, before opening the passenger door for Virgil and walking around to get into the driver's side. Virgil considering banging his head on the car- Roman should not be allowed to do chivalrous and kinda cute things like opening doors and buying him coffee.

Instead, Virgil slipped into the car, breathing in the familiar scent of the sea-scented air freshener. Roman started the car and leaned back against the seat. "Hey emo nightmare, can you see if you can find my chapstick?"

Virgil rolled his eyes at the nickname but rummaged through the glove compartment until he found the vanilla chapstick that Roman was obsessed with. He passed the lacrosse player the chapstick and tried not to stare as Roman applied it. When he was done, Roman dropped it into his lap and began to pull out of the school's parking lot. "You're lucky it's on the way home."

"You'd do it even if it was on the opposite side of town." Virgil couldn't hear Romans's response, so he plugged his phone into the radio jack, settling on Pray for the Wicked. When 'Roaring Twenties' started to blast through the speakers, Roman let out a laugh and began to sing along.

By the time they pulled into the Starbucks drive-through, Virgil was wheezing as Roman started singing at an impossible octave. He was still snorting as Roman started to order.

"One iced caramel latte and one iced white chocolate mocha, both venti," Roman ordered as Virgil attempted to contain himself.

Virgil grabbed his drink as soon as Roman brought it into the car. "The white chocolate messes with your whole emo aesthetic."

"Fuck you, white chocolate is amazing." Virgil took a sip of drink to prove his point.

Roman laughed again, taking a sip of his drink before driving along. "Did you get a call from Patton and Logan?"

"Yup, Logan was taking Pat out for ice cream after what he said was a successful interview."

"When are they going to get together?" Roman complained.

"I know! They've been pining since sophomore year!" Virgil was being a hypocrite, but that was irrelevant.

"It's crazy that we're going to be seniors." Roman sighed dreamily. "But senior year is gonna be a blast! I'm going to be a head section leader, you'll be equipment manager, Logan will be running the library, and Pat will be Drum Major."

"We won't know until the concert when Thomas announces leadership positions. If it happens, we'll have basically taken over the band," Virgil noted with a grin.

"It's because Thomas loves us. And we're crazy good players."

"Take the ego down a few notches, Ro."

"Roman laughed, then stopped the car in front of Virgil's house. "It looks like your moms not home." He commented.

Virgil looked; his mom's Toyota wasn't in the driveway. "She probably got called in." Virgil unbuckled, then remembered what he was supposed to tell Roman." Be ready early tomorrow; Pat's doing rides and we're stopping to pick up breakfast at Lottie's."

"Sounds great. See ya tomorrow Virge."

"See ya tomorrow, Ro." Virgil stepped outside, shut the car door, and walked up to his house, fumbling for his keys. After he opened the door, he turned and waved as Roman drove off. He closed the door behind him and noticed the note hanging from the corkboard his mom had hung in the entryway years ago.

Vee- Hope you had a good day at school, and at Romans game! I got called into the hospital, I swear they crumble without me there. I was able to make dinner before I got called, you should just have to heat it up. Text me when you get home, and don't stay up till three in the morning! <3 Mom

Virgil smiled. His mom was an emergency physician, and her irregular hours often left nights like this. It made him treasure the days she had off more. He hung up his jacket on one of the hooks, sipping his drink.

As Virgil headed for the kitchen, his eyes flared to the photograph on the wall- his mother standing with a smile, holding himself as an infant. Hugging her was a stranger in a military uniform that Virgil knew was his father.

Virgil found the food his mom had made and threw it into the microwave to heat it. While it warmed, Virgil perched on the counter, opening the various messages on his phone. Most were just streaks, so he flipped through them without paying attention until he opened the streaks from Roman.

The picture was of Virgil. He has his eyes closed and his face was frozen in laughter. It looked like Roman had snuck the picture of him while they were in the Starbucks drive-through. Roman, ever the artist, had added purple swirls around the edges.

Virgil let out a laugh, "Dork."

After eating his dinner, texting his mom. and scrolling through Tumblr, he went upstairs and sat at his laptop. As it booted up- which usually took forever, the little shit, Virgil noticed an old poem laying on his desk. His mom must have been cleaning and found it. When he had written this? Eighth grade?

The poem was dark; it described feeling out, being on the outside looking in. Virgil has to admit, his old works were pretty cringe-worthy. But then again, eighth grade had not been fun.

Who would have thought a three-day band festival could be the catalyst that would change the lonely, sad boy who didn't know what was wrong with him to a boy who knew how to cope with his anxiety and was happily surrounded by friends?

Virgil pushed the poem off his desk, watching it fall to the floor slowly. "Don't worry." He found himself mumbling. "It gets better."

With that, Virgil opened his report and began to finish up it, a new poem idea swirling in the back of his mind, along with his improv solo playing as background music.

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