#me myself i and yours truly

[appareils-futiles]

When my therapist asks me to describe my love life....

[raulismydreamman1978]

[cavortinginmoonlight]

It’s also the beginning of Bi Visibility Month and my sexuality is something I’ve struggled with my ENTIRE life (almost 33 years!!), the closet was my cave of safety yet depression, my shield against drama, hate, gossip and shunning. I’ve known of my sexuality before I even knew there was a name for it. And growing up first generation Caribbean with older parents, hearing homophobic rants and terms, it was safer even better there.

This time, however, it’s MY choice.

I was recently reading volume 4 of Heartstopper and it’s the one where Nick comes out to his dad, who he’s semi-estranged from. And that’s when it clicked. I teared up and thought, ‘this is beautiful’. This is eye opening.

This…is…it. When I was a teenager, my older sister 'G’ lived with us, I’ve always loved my sister, but truth is, she and I weren’t very close. One particular summer before I turned 17 and almost out of high school, I woke up to her telling me to accompany her somewhere, as we’re on our way, she tells me that she really didn’t need for me to accompany her, she just wanted to get me out of the house, because my mom (her stepmom) is PISSED at me. She continued, “she read your diary and she know you like girls and she’s wants to talk to you, and I wanted to get you out of the house so you can process this before you talk to her”

I started breathing heavily, cold sweats because I knew what was to come; I kept trying to ask her things, but she refused to answer and just told me to prepare myself. We got home. I tried to rush to my room (I had to pass my parents to get to mine) and I heard my name…"Lenii!!“ (Actually, it sounded more like "Leniiiiiiiii!!!”) Like the boom of a speaker with your ear right next to it. A chill ran through my body. I lowered my head and pretended I didn’t know what she wanted. She called me over with her finger and told me to sit down, pointing to where. I sat at the upper part of her side of the bed. She sat to my left on a chair, the door on her other side, my sister in front of me, my dad standing keeping himself busy, not caring, on the other side of the bed.

The beginning of the conversation was a blur because my fear was paramount, but she said “so, I found out that you are attracted to girls. And I want you to be honest with me because I didn’t raise you to lie….Lenii, do you like girls as more than friends?”

My jaw clenched and I looked straight at my sister and by straight, I mean I was looking in her direction but past her head to the mirror behind her. The soul had left my body.

(I’m aware I’m sounding extra dramatic, but, I’m being dead serious that’s what it felt like)

My face in the same position I shook my head just enough for her to get an answer, “Yes”. She yelled “Say it with your mouth, I’m not accepting that!” I said “Yes!!” And next thing I know I see my sister reach out and she grabbed my mother’s arm midair, and I hear her scream: “You know! We don’t do that here! Hoooowww can my own daughter…you know we don’t accept that, what the hell is wrong with you, that’s not okay!!….OH MY GOD!!” My sister, still holding her arm, said “Vee, just calm down okay, calm down…we…” and Mom replies, still screaming, “Calm down!?!? She….” and G responds with “Just calm down, this is no time to talk about this, you can talk calmly later”, the arm shifted, and I limbo'ed under it then ran to my room. And that was it. My sister caught the arm that was reading to back hand me in the face or maybe the chest. I don’t know but I shudder, even now at the thought of what would have happened if G hadn’t stepped in that very second. Choking? Hard slap, my obese mom pinning me down? Who knows.

The rest is either a suppressed memory or a blur but all it did was throw me deeper in the closet. It’s odd because I was out to my friends in high school, even dated a girl briefly there, openly flirted with girls, had celebrity crushes, hell I noticed girls BEFORE I noticed boys and that includes celebrities. I stopped dating altogether in 10th grade but had my last real crush in 11th grade. It was a boy, his name was Chris, and he’s still my friend to this day. We never dated though, but was very sweet. Over the years there’s been talk particularly with my brother about my sexuality, (I never actually told him or hinted but he’s seen my posts about my being ally and says things like’'this is why everyone thinks you’re gay stop posting s*it like this!“)

When I was 24, my mom and I were watching TV one night about 10pm and she randomly said ’'Lenii, do you still like girls?” I didn’t respond. She carried on “Because you know, you don’t date, you don’t talk about relationships, guys…or girls…and I know you don’t really have anyone to talk to about those things, but I don’t like that you just don’t date at all” (I also chose not to date because she’s always been sick and I didn’t feel right dating and not giving her 100% of my attention) And then it happened, the monumental moment in every single LGBTQIA+ person’s life: “Lenii..” she said, I turned my head, still facing the opposite way towards the TV, “I’m not going to be around forever and I don’t like that you’re all alone..” I interrupted and said “Mom I’m fine really” (I always hated her 'Im gonna die one day’ talks) “But just listen..I’m not going to be around forever and I want you to meet someone wonderful, to open your heart and just let love in, or at least try, I don’t want you to be alone cause I feel you’re gonna need someone there. So, whatever it is, guy…..or girl. It’s all okay. I just want you to know I love you and it’s all okay….okay?” My eyes welled up and after a hard gulp I nodded and said “okay” and smirked and that was it.

The next afternoon, by 2pm, She was deceased.

I still stayed deep in the closet, so deep there was no room for Christmas presents, yet I ended moving to Virgnia and was out only to a few people. (Its always been a pet peeve of mine being open to one person and then that one person tells other people like it’s their place to tell) I flirted, romanced and even briefly entertained women…and went on dates with men. And then it happened, I fell in love (hard to admit, even now), alas it was not meant to be. But no actual relationship with either. Then came Texas and dating at all wasn’t even a thought, especially with a supposed friend who would remind me that I “wasn’t the kind of person someone wanted because you were so f*cked up and had to get your shit together because no one would want you this way” (she thought I was straight, yes my 'friend’ of 12 years, had no idea) Ever since I was 17, I contemplated and even attempted suicide a few times. That’s the last thing I needed to hear. I wanted to be anything but, because I didn’t believe I deserved to be loved by ANYONE, significant other, family or friends if I wasn’t straight.

I’ve been back home since December 2021, I prefer it here, I’ll be 33 in November and it’s been about that time. I’m tired. I’m over it. It’s official. I posted on my twitter and then my personal Facebook, and my instagram, at first my FB was to only some friends, excluding family and elders I knew since my youth, like my brother’s childhood friends. But I’ve changed it to be seen by all. Mostly inspired by an eerily similar story from one of my favourite people, Raul Esparza. I’m tired. Whoever is mad, they can be mad. Whoever is confused, they can be confused. Whoever doesn’t believe it, can wallow in disbelief. I’m at peace, I’m happy, and most importantly so is my inner child and adolescent is free and baby girl, I love you more than you can ever know.

Fin.

Lenii <3

[bioethicists]

it's actually terrifying how quickly the concept of self care (originally a radical concept rooted in the black panther party's efforts to support other black ppl living through racism) became another tool of self-management which is viewed as both a moral obligation + an individual responsibility. businesses + employers + other institutions now easily wield it as a progressive way to say "if you're upset about xyz, make yourself get over it". "we are going to treat you like shit + you need to learn how to cope with that or else you're doing something wrong"

i have seen job listings where "ability to practice self care" was listed as a requirement for employment. as a case worker, we were repeatedly drilled on "self-care" as a response to unconscionably high case loads, traumatizing experiences, dead end job obligations, + poor living conditions due to subpar pay/high stress. my clients would go to appointments regarding their evictions, food insecurity, active domestic violence situations, etc + receive tips on "self care" without any tangible community, legal, or structural support to follow.

everyone absolutely deserves to care for themselves + it is useful to circulate affirmations + advice on how to do this. this should happen within communities, through a sincere concern/love for one another, as a way of helping everyone live the best life possible while we work towards total liberation. it should not be a replacement for caring for one another!!! it should be one of many ways of caring for one another!!!

[cryptcatz]

i have GOT to get over my obsessive worry about being a burden on others oh my god. it is okay to inconvenience people! people in your life who really care about you won’t mind being inconvenienced!! it’s literally just the human experience!!! communicate your needs for the love of god it’ll be FINE!!!!!

[uncanny-tranny]

The hardest, but most important, part of my transition has been untangling what my personal dysphoria is, and what is more a result of cissexism.

What I mean by this is that I learned that I am not dysphoric about certain aspects of myself, my body, and my life, but my discomfort in these aspects was influenced by the cissexist culture I live in which told me I couldn't exist as myself.

It's definitely a slow process, but I have found that it helps me self-actualize and actually see myself instead of what others demand of me.

[demaparbat-hp]

the audacity you literally have to make a GENOCIDE SURVIVOR (whose entire culture was decimated by the fire nation) proudly work for the imperial fire nation army in some fuckass au? zutara shippers are never beating the colonial apologism allegations.

Woah, okay, I wasn't expecting this. I'm a firm believer that people should, first and foremost, treat each other on the basis of respect, so I'll do my best to explain this to you, clearly, and with the benefit of the doubt in mind, okay? I'm a nice person like that.

First of all, I'm working under the assumption that you haven't read these posts, and thus don't have all the information I've shared about the AU. I've been as clear about this subject as I can be, especially in my replies but, for the sake of fairness, I'll say it once again again:

I do not condone nor find it moraly correct to justify a victim of war joining the side of the ones responsible for her people's genocide.

I try to view this AU, and war in general, through a mature, realistic lense. Turning Katara into a victim with glorified Stockholm Syndrome isn't really my style. It's honestly insulting and deeply disturbing for me, as a creator, a woman of color born in a country that has a very, very long history of colonialism, and an empathetic human being, that anyone would believe me capable of thinking like that.

That being said, I know I really shouldn't, but would you like me to give you a step by step response?

(...) proudly work for the imperial fire nation army (...)

Okay, like I said before, I'm going to assume you saw only the artwork, didn't read either the tags or the two separate, in depth posts about the characterization and plot in this AU I made literally twenty four hours ago, and drew your own conclusions instead.

First of all: Katara doesn't proudly work for the Fire Nation army. That's her cover, as it is Zuko's. She joined Zuko and his crew, all traitors to the throne and good, honourable people, under the pretense of hunting the Avatar. Truly, they're destroying the Fire Nation military from within. And are, most definitely, not proud soldiers of the Fire Lord.

Katara hates the Fire Nation. But if joining a Fire Nation crew is what she needs to do to end the war, she will do it.

And, honestly, these are not excuses. But context is important, and it's not healthy to draw conclusions from the title instead of actually reading the book, if you know what I mean. It could get you in trouble some day.

And, please, I'm begging you—this has been talked about a lot, and I don't really like drama all that much, so I won't even rise to the accusations of condoning a non consented, colonialist and abuse apologist relationship.

That's just rude.

[latenightsundayblues]

Billy's way of showing affection is a bit... Unorthodox.

(it will happen again)

Stu is probably way more pleased about the discovery than any other sane individual would be

[dyketubbo]

i remember seeing someone call tubbo a fully grown adult at 19 (obvs before he turned 20) and i gotta say. i think maybe some people have a really skewed idea of what constitutes as "fully grown". and also what constitutes as properly mature. thinking that at 18/19 (or hell even at 20/21) people are now fully grown and mature is insane to me like yall thats how you get people thinking their life is over at like 23 and that 30 year olds are senior citizens 😭😭 be fr

[ash-and-starlight]

.

[appareils-futiles]

Raul Esparza as Bryan Kneef in ''The Good Fight'' S4 E4 ''The Gang Is Satirized and They Don't Like It A supremely underrated character that should of been used more often.

[mugentakeda]

fics that give a glimpse to irohs occasionally deeply strange inner machinations and dependency on his nephews wellbeing hit like crack... Like this is the best. it doesnt get much better than this. worlds most sane uncle guy

[sovonight]

world's saddest chosen

[lady-merian]

For artists:

Years ago, when I was just beginning to more seriously teach myself how to draw, I didn’t like drawing from real life, or photos. I hated the results every time. Learn to draw books were all well and good, but they taught me how to draw specific things rather than how to use a reference. So, purely for my own private use, I would seek out artists online with styles I liked, and would try my hand at recreating it. Something about it was disarming to my self-consciousness.

This was well before I had an account anywhere, and even if I had, and had thought my own copy good enough, I wouldn’t have posted any of it.

Looking back, I still think it was a really good thing for me, and now I’m much more confident drawing from life or photos. Still, I’m curious about something and want to see what any of you think.

Even on my paper, I took to writing the original artist’s name/url/whatever their signature was on the back of it so I’d never forget where I got the inspiration from. (How I remembered the name of the artist who drew young Boromir and Faramir)

if you want to put in the notes whether you’re a self taught artist or have taken lessons/classes/whatever, that would be interesting to know, but no pressure!

[gt-daboss]

GT Writing/Reading Question

Ive been writing GT stories for some time now, and reading them for much much longer, so I'm curious what the consensus of this topic is (my opinion and reasons in the tags if you're curious)

[uncanny-tranny]

You know... it's okay to trust your body. If you are separated from your body to such an extent you feel you cannot trust it, I truly from the bottom of my heart empathize and feel grief for you, but you can trust your body.

It's okay to listen to your body and to heed what it is telling you. I wish you (and your body) well wherever you go. You deserve the peace of mind to feel able to do what you want.