#me vs not rambling in my tags for once (impossible)

[feralssinbin]

Secret Santa Cheat Sheet

lol

OK so I realized the secret santa intro post I made turned into a nightmare of incomprehensible rambling. Stating now that I do honestly love like, all content with them so anything is good if none of these ideas feel right for you, my beloved santa of secrets <3

Broad Ideas~

-Soft DCA, solo, with each other, with the kids, with YN, just. Soft uwu

-Unhinged. I love the 'about to snap' looks, the 'ive just committed a warcrime' energy, and the 'someone is actively getting redacted' action stuff.

-Hurt/Comfort, either direction, doesn't need to be canon for an AU, I'm just weak for hurt/comfort.

-Surprise moments of trust. Stuff where one is just kinda surprised by the other, the hand is 'offered' for the first time, or the offered hand is 'accepted' for the first time, literal or metaphorical.

-Spicy Humor XD I cackle whenever I see it, and I am not shy to the spice at all, but dirty jokes with the DCA absolutely send me.

Specific Ideas~

-Story time with Sun/Moon, high energy or soft and quiet, maybe the kids are around and totally engaged, maybe it's just them and a YN they're trying to get to take a nap as well, maybe there's no book and they're making it up on the go with a broad motion to demonstrate the ~adventure~ (I love this idea and there's so much that can be done with it)

-DCA being a little shit at children's games vs YN. They aren't going easy on them. At all. Impossible angles in twister, definitely not cheating at cards, ruining friendships with connect four, YN absolutely devastated/aggravated/exasperated at the fact they haven't won a single game in ages.

-Hide and Seek/Tag. With Sun it could be fun and cute. With Moon it's a race for YNs life.

-Gremlin Moon. Contortionist Moon. Impossibly bendy flexible Moon. (ALTERNATELY SAME POSES BUT FOR SUN cause we don't get enough bendy Sun)

-Romantic flirty stuff with DCA/YN shenanigans, cause I'm a simp.

-Semi-canon reveal shot of Eclipse for the first time. A YN pov thing, where the two have 'done the thing' and now they're staring at a third version of the DCA, and it's looking back at them. Was it an emergency situation that brought this on? A warring of the two boys that split control? A third presence that forced it's way out? Did the glitch from Balloon World take over? Did they agree to bring him out as a surprise? I know I said specific but hhh there's just so many ways to go with Eclipse.

AU Specific Ideas~

-Sea Creatures/Mer - art one probably- YN in the water with the first meeting of Sun and/or Moon, just that 'hovering under the surface' vibe with them eyeing each other warily.

-SC/M - One of the boys trying to snag a bite of whatever YN brought for lunch. Whether they win or lose is up to you.

-SC/M - Eclipse with one of his pups, a teeny fluffy thing, him content floating on his back with the little one on his chest, or him sitting menacingly on dry land staring snarly at the viewer while the little thing plays on him/under and around his arms.

-Hands On Experience - Sun walking around with YN on day one, hands under their arms like a wet kitten, or with YN balanced on their hip like a child lmao. This happens more than once in my mind, and YN might be ok with it, or they might be gently annoyed by it but he still gets away with stuff like this too much lol.

-HOE - Back rub time after a long day with unruly children.

-HOE - Nap time on Sun while he's petting YNs hair. (this one would prob be more art? but I'm down for more sleepy time drabbles <3)

-HOE - YN cleaning crayon and marker scribbles off Sun after a rough arts and crafts session.

-Doordash AU -silly art one - DECK THEM OUT IN THE DOORDASH SHIRT/VISOR lmao. Basically just Red shirt with the doordash logo, black Visor with the doordash D on it XD

-Forgotten But Not Gone - Fully feral moon chase through the abandoned daycare. It's not big so it would be a quick run if they don't get caught. Nonverbal Moon, terrified YN. Close calls are fun uwu.

-FBNG - DCA won't let go of YN, like a hand on the wrist, tight or not, just. Clingy. Is YN trying to casually go home and they want them to stay? Is YN just vibing and letting them have the contact? Was YN trying to run away?

-Sometimes It's Worth The Risk- BAD FLIRTING FROM YN at Sun/Moon. Just. Bad pickup lines. Awful flirting tactics. The fluster and shock of being flirted back with and losing their cool entirely. The 'OH NO HE'S HOT' reaction mentality. They're just one dumb idiot that's got the butterflies for the robot lmao.

[hawkinsgsa]

HOW DOES YOUR MUSE CARRY EMOTIONS

ANGER,   jaw clenching, hands balling into fists, teeth grinding, yelling, going non verbal, stuttering speech, rushed speech, slow concise speech, rambling, quiet, arms crossing, shaking head, tearing up, animated, expressionless, projects, internalizes, vents, withdraws, passive aggressive, direct, physical outbursts, verbal outbursts.

JOY,    easy smiles, fighting back grins, suppressed laughter, loud laughter, giggles, chuckling, smirks, whole body laughs, covers mouth when laughing/giggling, throws head back when laughing, slaps leg, touches people around them when laughing, looks down when laughing, looks for eye contact when laughing, sparkling eyes, bubbly happiness, quiet subtle happiness, obnoxious happiness, wants to spread joy, quietly savors joy.

SADNESS,     crying, bottling it up, seeks distractions, wallows, meditates and processes, avoidance, seeks out comfort, withdraws, talks it out, internalizes it, sad smiles, depression naps, uses alcohol, uses drugs, seeks out sources of joy, fidgets with sentimental item, sits in silence, broods, gets moody, wants someone to share the misery, tries to hide negative emotions, nurtures others to make themselves feel better.

EMBARRASSMENT / SHAME,  blushing, looking away, rubbing at back of head, covering face, laughing nervously, laughs it off, overthinks, lets it go, self deprecating humor, deflects, gets irritated, smiles, withdraws, crossing arms over stomach, crossing arms over chest, hands in pockets, shoulders sinking, shrugs, falling into silence until comfortable again, talking a lot to compensate.

GUILT,     avoiding eye contact, shoulders sinking low, head hanging down, crying, chest aches, lashes out, internalizes, apologizes, deflects, communicates, withdraws, grand gestures for forgiveness, accepts fault easily, punishes themselves, martyrdom, victim complex, guilt complex, healthy conscience, internalizes even after forgiveness, seeking redemption, moves on easily, denial, lack of guilt/conscience, sorry they got caught more than caused harm, can’t handle knowing they hurt others.

FEAR / ANXIETY,  trembling, crying, sarcasm/sass to cope, rambles, goes silent, gets angry, fidgeting, clenching jaw, picking at nails, chewing at lip, pulling at clothes, adjusting jewelry/clothing, swallowing thickly, eyes widening, over-reacts, under-reacts, calm, logical, panic, irrational, overthinks, carefully analyzes, talks to themselves, breathing exercises, fight, withdraw, fawn

tagged: myself i guess i wanted to do will too tagging: again anyone who wants!!

[helloyesimrhys]

ACoTaR confuses me

Ugh.

This is going to be long and rambly and based on my foggy memory of the books but I’ve been going through both the anti Feyre/Feysand and the pro Feyre/Feysand tags and tbh they both have valid points.

FEYRE

I can think of reasons to like Feyre and reasons to dislike her. But the problem about liking Feyre is that the only reason we like her is because SJM almost forces us to like her. Examples: going into the woods as a child with no previous training and somehow managing to single-handedly save her family from the brink of starvation, fighting in the battle of Adriata despite having almost no training with weapons, being an all-round wonderful person who somehow stays calm and decides to continue with a pregnancy that literally kills her (Nesta stopped time during Feyre’s final breath, I think)

But all of this is what we’ve been told, not what we’ve been shown. I actually kind of hate reading from Feyre’s POV. I don’t know how to explain it and I haven’t read the books in a good while now but one thing that is permanently burned into my memory is the moment during the meeting with the High Lords when she calls her Inner Court “some of the most powerful people in the room”. She’s sitting there with 7 immensely powerful High Lords and she thinks that? We are told that the Court of Nightmares are terrible and deserve to be trapped under that mountain, but from what we are shown (which isn’t much) Rhysand and Feyre constantly disrespect them and use the court as foreplay and the visits as a chance to test out their exhibitionist flairs.

Feyre is a good character, but terribly written.

RHYSAND

Rhysand, on the other hand, I find almost impossible to like. Once again we are told that he is a perfect High Lord, that he is the Ultimate Feminist, that he loves and respects Feyre, that he cares about his people, but what are we shown?

How often are we shown him meeting with the Court of Nightmares and not acting like a possessive asshole and essentially fucking his mate for the entirety of the visit? The only proper visit that didn’t involve Azriel stealing something or showing the CoN who’s boss was the one where Rhysand wished to use Keir’s Darkbringers in the war.

Another thing that bugs me is the Illyrians. Cassian literally tells us that the Illyrians are considered soldier grunts or expendable chattel (or something) and yet Rhysand doesn’t seem to value them any more than that anyway? None of the Inner Court seem to care what happens to the Illyrian women being clipped. Yes, they banned it and try to stop it from happening, but what have they really done? Rhysand said that the more backward camps still occasionally do it, but Emerie lived in Devlon’s camp. He was supposed to be the best camp leader, and yet that still happened. It’s the same with the rest of the girls. Cassian, allegedly the feminist hero that the Illyrians need, seems to care more about also forcing the girls to become soldier grunts or expendable chattel than actually working on the Illyrians’ misogyny and fixing the patriarchal system.

Rhysand was supposed to be a good character, but was also terribly written.

FEYSAND

Ah. Finally. SJMs golden ship. I really, really, really really really don’t like Feysand. And once again, it comes down to what we are told vs what we are seen. We are told that they are madly in love with one another, that Rhysand did everything he could to protect Feyre UTM, that they have a deep and loving relationship that goes beyond just sex and that Rhysand respects Feyre’s boundaries.

But.

UTM Rhysand essentially forced Feyre to make that bargain with him. She made that bargain while slowly dying of infection, and while he was twisting the bone in her arm. Say what you will about Tamlin, he never deliberately physically harmed Feyre. Not to mention the parties UTM. Yes Rhysand said that he made Feyre drink the wine so she wouldn’t remember what happened afterwards, but he still drugged her and sexually assaulted her by forcing her to give him a lap dance. He never touched her beyond her arms and waist, he said, as though Feyre was supposed to be grateful that it didn’t go beyond that. He forced her to wear clothes she was uncomfortable with and assaulted her repeatedly, and never once apologised for it.

We are told that Rhysand always respects Feyre’s boundaries and keeps the promises they make each other, but didn’t he promise Feyre that he wouldn’t keep any secrets from her? I think you all know where I am going with this, but the pregnancy. He could have told her his concerns far earlier, and they would have been able to find a way to terminate the pregnancy. Instead he forced her to continue the pregnancy by withholding vital information.

Essentially, what I am saying is that all of this boils down to shitty writing on SJMs part. She relies heavily on us believing what she shoves down our throats, even when a lot of her writing shows us the exact opposite of what she tells us. Whatever about being pro Feysand or anti Feysand. It’s a toxic relationship, but it’s still fictional. I’m anti SJM.

[ashdumpsterpile]

I know you talk abou st*cky in the interracial ships stuff, but can we talk about st*ny? Iron husbands is literally right there, but I also always sees Rhodey as Tonys moral support only. And ik Tony is very shippable with most characters, but the fact his ship is Rhodey is one of the lowest ships in ao3 (ironstrange, winteriron and god forbid stark*r all had more fics in ao3).. It's pretty telling this side also has racism problems...

I'll go ahead and answer this here, but letting y'all know that I do have a marvel sideblog if you want to hit me up there (@themarvelarchives).

Hey, I'm going to ramble for a good minute.

So after I posted my very incoherent, controversial take on St*cky vs SamBucky, there were a ton of ppl who came onto anon saying that St*cky shippers were racist. I think I only answered a few, but y'all were pretty insistent on it. I personally have not observed that St*cky shippers are so I'm not calling anyone out on that side of the fandom for that.

I also did not call out anyone on this side of the fandom bc that's not what my meta was about. I think I mentioned maybe once or twice in the whole post that there was underlying racist in the fandom, but since you asked, we can talk about it here.

Covert Bigotry In Fandom Spaces.

To understand what's going on in the MCU, we have to first look at what I call "woke-queer" fandom.

So "Woke-Queer" Spaces is the phenomenon where certain fandom members like to call ppl out on their bigotry, while covertly harboring their own queerphobia/racism/etc. An example of this that we're all familiar with is TERFS and how they like to claim that they are progressive and woke, while also claiming that trans women are fake and trans men are sexist.

How this translates to fandom, however, is the hypocrisy that is cancellation and callout culture.

For example, Supernatural in particular is a fandom that likes to call out the writers on their homophobia and racism, and yet, somehow, the fandom is chalk full of homophobia and racism. If you want to read more about this, here is a truly excellent article from the perspective of a queer woman of color.

Moving on, I've also talked in a previous meta post, on the internalized acephobia that exploded in 2019 after Good Omens was released. Rather than reiterate everything I said in that post, I'll just leave it at this: the controversy in the Good Omens fandom can be summed up by the fact that queer audiences are claiming that Ineffable Husbands is the wrong kind of queer. The hypocrisy oozes off the screen, doesn't it?

A final way this viably translates to fandom, is in how the Doctor Who fandom evolved over time.

So Steven Moffat takes over as head writer and showrunner in 2010. It's a new series, a new Doctor, a new Tardis, and new branding. He steps up the action, changes the color grating, and raises the stakes. Women are sexier, the Doctor is smarter (and more of an asshole, but that's another meta post), and every companion comes with their own impossible mystery that makes them Special™.

Series 5-10 got tons of woke points for having lesbian characters, an episode where the Doctor is homoerotic with James Corden, and an underlying trans narrative with the Master's reincarnation. What a lot of people forget, however, is that his series was incredibly sexiest, incredibly lesbian/biphobic, and basically turned the Doctor into everyone's fantasy sex-object.

This, unfortunately, brought out the worst of the fandom. There was RTD Era vs Moffat Era wars exploding in certain corners, TenxRose shippers vs ElevenxRiver shippers.

What does this have to do with covert racism in fandom cultures though?

Hnnngng ok, so back in RTD era's we get Martha Jones, the Actual Best Companion On The Entire Show. Except for the fact, of course, that she is written to be in love with the doctor. She's a brilliant character--smart, sassy, flawed, funny, flirtatious--and her entire plotline is reduced down to a school-girl crush on a white man.

She doesn't do well with fans, they scrap her after one season.

We move on to Donna Noble (The Other Actual Best Companion On The Entire Show) and RTD's era ends with them scraping her too and regenerating David Tennant's Doctor.

It will be five more series (not seasons, SERIES) until Doctor Who will have another black companion--who gets extra points for being gay--only to fall victim to "bury your gays" at the end of the season (but not really bc no one stays dead on Doctor Who).

The fandom's reception of Martha Jones was historically bad. The comparisons to her predecessor, Rose Tyler, were rampant and everyone was finding a reason to hate her.

The fandom's reception to Bill Potts was also historically bad, as everyone was screaming that she was being written for more "woke points" and that they wanted Clara back.

Fandom has a historically bad reputation of being problematic and, I would argue, the majority of it has to do with these toxic undertones of bigotry that slip under the radar. "Woke-queer" spaces, as I call them, are these instances above where spaces that claim to be inclusive of gender/orientation/race are covertly bigoted.

Marvel and Cancelling

Now is an excellent time to talk about the MCU.

Anthony Mackie (Sam Wilson) has recently come under a lot of criticism from fandom members for shutting down shipper speculation.

"The idea of two guys being friends and loving each other in 2021 is a problem because of the exploitation of homosexuality. [...] something as pure and beautiful as homosexuality has been exploited by people who are trying to rationalize themselves."

I can't find the rest of the quote, but Mackie goes on further to say that it was important to him to portray "a sensitive, masculine figure" without insinuating that there was romance involved.

Woke culture lost it's shit. Everyone was suddenly claiming that Mackie was calling them exploitative for shipping a gay ship as a queer audience, which could not have been further from the case.

Mackie actually makes some very excellent points in that sensitivity is not gay/queer. Woke culture loves to rag on Toxic Masculinity, but the minute someone plays a character who is loving and sensitive with no queer narrative in mind, they are immediately canceled.

What Am I On About

Okay, let's actually address what your ask was about, Nonnie. You pointed out--rather truthfully--that it is unfair to call-out racism on one side of the fandom, while ignoring it on the other side.

Well, I've gone back through my St*cky vs. SamBucky analysis (which is incoherent at best, I apologize for that) and I see maybe once instance where I called out fandom members for being racist. Here's what I had to say about racism:

"[...] Iron Husbands is a rarepair, probably because it’s an interracial ship."

"[there is] nothing wrong with shipping two white men, but it does become a problem when you ignore/bash POC/interracial ships to the determinant of your own white ship."

And then there was the post you brought up where I addressed interracial ships in the fandom. That one is probably more relevant to this topic, to be honest, as I actually addressed fandom racism there. I assume that your reason for bringing up Stony is because it's a ship that is more relevant to my side of the fandom, HOWEVER, the reason I highlighted Stucky instead was because I was comparing the fact that they've both been around the same amount of time and are relationships that feature the protagonist and their best friend.

You brought up St*ny in the ask, however, so I'm going to talk about St*ny for a minute.

As someone who never has nor will ship St*ny, it never even occurred to me that some of the problem behind the Iron Husbands tag being so small is because everyone ships the white, boring ship. You brought up a very valid point, but because I was never in that part of the fandom, I can't really speak to any possible underlying racism there, besides what I've already said above.

I would be interested in hearing a St*ony shipper or ex-St*ony shippers thought on this, but sadly I don't know any. If you have any more thoughts regarding this, Nonnie, pls drop back into my inbox.

You do make some excellent points in this ask though, and I would like to talk about racism on my side of the fandom.

So back to Mackie and his Twitter cancellation. Notice that Disney made him address the rumors and not his co-star, Sebastian Stan. Anthony Mackie is put on blast and made to answer fan demands and receives backlash, while Sebastian Stan gets to fly under the rader. This is not, by the way, a criticism of Stan, but instead of the blatant racism Disney has been displaying over the past few years.

How this ties in with the rest of my post has to do with my "woke-queer" spaces bit. The outcry across the MCU fandom over Mackie was swift and unforgiving. He was cancelled on charges of homophobia and bigotry--all the while these same fans turn a blind eye to any queer interpretation of other interracial ships and discourse in their own fandom.

The racism that I'm speaking about, of course, is an almost passive racism. Of course if you don't ship a specific ship for reasons other than their race, it's perfectly fine. It's okay not to ship Iron Husbands or SamBucky or any other interracial fandom ships. However, the distinct lack of shippers in the fandom IS telling because there are people who would ship that exact ship if not for the fact that one of men is black.

I don't have much more to say about this except to thank you for bringing it up and for listening to my long rambling post.

(Feel free to bug me about Tony Stark, MCU ships, MCU Meta and anything you want to talk me about on this blog and @themarvelarchives.)

[signofwolf]

Kingdom of Ash by Sarah J. Maas – book review

Series: Throne of Glass #7 Genre: YA, Fantasy Theme: Fae, magic users, war Warnings: mentions of torture, imprisonment Star rating: 0,5/10

Why did I pick this up?: I wanted to end this horrible series once and for all.

[Heavy spoilers ahead]

To make myself clear, before this book I quite liked this series. It wouldn’t place in my top 100 books, not even close, but it was a pleasant pageturner to listen to in audiobooks when working.

Language

Let’s start slow. I lack the words to express how much I hate the words ‘male’, ‘female’ and ‘mate’ after this series. Not even gonna try to express my trauma. But these 3 gems aside, Sarah J. Maas needs a dictionary. Or compress her work to a manageable size. Everything sang, Everyone melted, Every man roared, Every woman trembled, Everyone was unleashing themselves at least once a chapter (number of chapters: 122) ). And now I know definitely too much about Yrene’s ‘womb’. I know so much…

Dynamism

I thought that was a book about a war with heavy action content. Oh boy, I was wrong. This 984-pages monstrosity has maybe 5 pages of action. If you squint.

Every sequence, where by design action should take place was followed by one of two scripts:

Few sentences of action and then a few pages long internal monologue. Often repeated with the same character after the next few sentences of action, or with the next character and then the next (sometimes the first character made a second appearance and then everything would go all over again). And the word ‘character’ used in these sentences is not because I’m rambling. This book is written that way!

Few sentences of action and then action stops, and we are graced by a few pages long conversation. In the middle of a battle. Or spying. Or in Erawan’s chambers, when his castle is going down, and he is running up the stairs...

Time

Leaving alone the fact that apparently all series took less than a year (till this book I estimated the plot for about 3 years, Wiki told me it was 2, but Maas knows best), because that is a can of worms in itself. Time in this one? I honestly have no idea. There were many ‘few weeks of travel’ parts with two main groups of POVs. Personally my only time indicator was ‘Orynth won’t fall till Aelin gets here’. But nothing just fit. And I saw Lost Song when in the last episode we as the audience realized that our two POVs parallel storylines are in reality millennia apart. Lost Song made sense.

Emotional loading

… there wasn’t any. Really, it was like reading a milk label. Every time the scene was potentially emotionally impactful, Maas went ahead to overexplaining EVERY. GOD. DAMMED. THING. And it was abso-fucking-lutely everything. ‘Emotional dilemma? Let’s current POV explain it! 2 pages should be enough… Damn maybe it wasn’t enough. I know! I’ll switch POVs and explain it through the other character!’ <= My impression of Maas’ thought process. I’m fairly sure that the record was 7 POVs explaining the same thing in the row, but I was blacking out a little, so I cannot be sure.

And if that wasn’t enough, this book had a second way to defuse tension: random-plastic-repetitive-badly_written-smut. Really badly written and really repetitive. How could you not feel the spicy bits, when Manon (cruel, self assured 100+years old witch-queen) reacts the same in bed as Elide (20years old, virgin, ex-slave). And the rest of them were the same, there weren’t ANY distinctions.Just copy-paste.

The next point in current case: Someone died, it was impactful, I really liked the character, so I got sad. But then 2 of our characters came out of the room with a body, and after a paragraph of grieving they started making out, and then I was regaled with 2-pages-long description of melting cores. That was the place then this book stopped being badly written, and started being distasteful.

Characters

Remember when I was writing about switching POVs (which is 15(!!!) In the whole book. Oh and an omniscient narrator in places when our current POV was grieving too much to overthink something, but Maas still wanted to inform us about something)? They were all savagely murdered in the worst way: character mutilation. Somewhere between books our maybe-not-that-original but colorful and interesting characters became carbon copies of each other. I have no idea how many times I didn’t realise there was a POV switch. The only indicator was a change of pronoun, or when Maas was telling us the name of a current narrator. These were the only ways. And if you can't distinguish if you are in Dorian’s head or in Manon’s, that is the sign of a really BAD writing.

Romance

…there wasn't any. In all this book there wasn't any naturally progressing romantic scene. There were Maas’ endgame pairings which were sexing or pinning. As the author Maas loves to write about soulmates. And it’s not a bad thing itself. When I want some fluffy story I often tag ‘soulmates’ in AO3 and voila, +10 to good mood. But God above, it is not cute when every pair you write about are ‘true mates’ just BECAUSE. It is the only way Maas sees a relationship, as a fated pairing, written in the wake of the universe by the God himself. There is no choice, nor the work to put in it. They are the author's OTP and that means that they are perfect and they should have children right now. Point in case:

Guy was treating a girl like a shit on his sole, including throwing her naked out of tent, on a snow, with their friends present, all the while abusing her verbally in a worst way. But it’s okay, because when she almost died he realised his mistakes and apologised. Two scenes later, he was forgiven, because... fated mates?

The pathos

I know that many people don't like this type of scenes, but it's not my case. I’m reading by picturing images and not repeating words. I like sequences that I can imagine to be grand and glorious, even if they are a little corny. That said, the pathos scenes were the most disappointing ones for me. Maas likes to write parts that are more picturesquely exalted than logically possible [point in case: meeting of 5 armies/forces in the random patch of sand in Empire of Storms, and it being painted as ‘an Aelin’s great plan’. I laughed myself silly at that. But not taking logic and all the plot holes into consideration that was a nicely looking scene. In Kingdom of Ash that wasn’t the case. I would say that the author wanted to paint us a renaissance painting every 20 pages or so. In my opinion, every time she failed miserably. Each and every of those scenes was or to farfetched to be even remotely realistic, and evidently written only for a sake of the picture, or just plainly stupid.

Example, and it’s so priceless a scene, that I just need to share it: Battle of Orynth, 25th day or so (time in this book doesn’t exist), the 13. sacrificed themselves (like thousands before them but hush). And then, time stops: grieving Manon is going through the city, they open the gates for her (yes, the siege is still on), she goes to the place where they died, after her come out all of our main heroes, and half the city itself with ‘flowers, rocks and precious possessions’ and they lay it there in a tribute to these brave (evil till 2 months ago) witches. I honestly can’t remember when was the last time I saw such an abstract scene. It’s a material for an essay in itself. No, I could not take it seriously.

Additionally, it's hard to make an impact as every damn sentence is grand and lofty. In the end it became truly pathetic, Aelin vs Maeve was unreadable.

Character deaths:

Let's make a quick count: main characters in a series at the start of KoA: 12 secondary characters in a series at the start of KoA: 20ish minor and total background: a lot more

Death count: main: 0 secondary: 3 minor: 2 (11 if we try very hard)

Resurrections: 1 (possibly 3, but not gonna analyze it)

Did you feel emotions of this impossible war against this all-encompassing, all-powerful, invincible, immortal, cunning Evil with armies from 3 continents and 2 worlds? No? Me neither.

Oh well, but there were a lot of deaths of ordinary soldiers. I’m quite certain that all of Terrasen’s army was at least twice brought back to life for them to die in these numbers.

Logic or lack thereof

Oh, and let’s not forget about the Deus ex machina army of unbeatable, magical elves on wolves, from legends, living for the past thousands of years in the unreachable lands of the north, because they managed to run from the surprise attack 10 years earlier. Did I mention that they came from portals, which the whole book was telling us were impossible to make in this scenario? After the previous saviour army was already fighting there for a day? And that Aelin didn’t know they would come for sure (how did she contact them again?)? Even though they were waiting in the full armours for these portals? Ah, and also: that army didn’t do anything. They just came and fought for maybe 4 minutes. And there were just so many things like that!

And if we’re on the topic of armies I present you: ‘My favourite absurd-list in the series: allied armies’.

(As a comparison, in A Song of Ice and Fire by J.R.R Martin, in 7 kingdoms of Westeros, at the peak of war there were 7 forces present, but not all were even engaged in a war.)

First the ones that made sense:

Armies of Terrasen’s Lords (counted as one, not gonna nitpick)

The Khaganate army (also counted as one)

Galan Ashryver’s armada

Whitethorn fraction

Rebel Ironteeth witches

…should Dorian be counted as an ‘army’?

And there were some that did not:

Ansel of Briarcliff’s army

The Silent Assassins

Mycenians

Wild Men of the Fangs

Army of magical elves on wolves

And the ‘I don’t even know’ category:

Crochan witches

Overpowering and overreaching

Section title tells it all. The stakes were too high. I was honestly waiting for Aelin to become Super Saiyan and start to throw planets at Maeve and Erawan. I won’t spoil if this happened.

In my opinion it could be a really great series, if our list of villains ended with Arobynn and King of Adarlan, and the list of Aelin titles with an assassin and a princess. We could have had two main fight plots: one emotional with Arobynn, when Aelin would have to face a damage he had done to her, and overcome it. And the second one, with freeing Terrasen from Adarlan’s rule. That’s it. There was an asshole, power hungry king, who feared magic and wanted to rule the East part of a continent. A lot of plot, but not so much that we stopped to care, or didn’t have time to cover everything. We could really get to know what Terrasen and his people were like and not JUST GET TOLD that it was ‘the greatest place in the world’ every damn 20 pages.

Plus…should Dorian be counted as an ‘army’? It's a REALLY valid question.

Climaxes

IIf I have to write a list of things that disappointed me in this book, this review would be thrice its current size, but one of the worst grievances I have is the complete lack of acknowledging the plotlines that had been started. This book series has overall 4 372 pages (not counting novellas) and 12 main characters (still not gonna address this). All of them had their storylines and arcs but if they weren't tied up in the previous instalments they wouldn’t be in this one. I get it, Maeve and Erawan got beaten (in an extremely unsatisfactory way) but they were only a background in this series' plots.

Aelin Well, Aelin was one of 3 people (+2 paragraf-long insertion from Nesryn and Chaol) who got their own POV’s after the battle (second was technically Rowan, who was ‘Aelin’s POV outside of Aelin’.The third Dorian, who got almost a full two pages). And from this we got that: she got crowned, Aedion got his bond and that Maas have no idea how the city looks after weeks of siege. In her case what angered me the most was ‘Terrasen is my home’ subplot. Only in this tome we read at least 3 times that Aelin will be okay with dying, if only she gets to see Terrasen one last time, or if she get to die on Terrassen soil. But you know what? Maas forgot to write the scene where Aelin actually ‘comes in’.

Mannon Didn't get her own POV after the battle, but here’s what we’ve got: She is going to the Wastes with Croachans and Ironteeth. Whait. What? Yes, that was the ending of this 500+ years of feud. They fought together and they decided to unite their two species, completely forgetting more than half a millenia of slaughter. I can only hope that there were at least some talks behind the scenes… NO! F*** NO! This isn’t how it works!

Rowan, Dorian, Chaol, Yrene, Lysandra, Aedion, Lorcan, Elide, Nesryn, Sartaq Lived happily ever after

Secondary minor and total background characters Survived (I acknowledge that they would be ignored in most books’ epilogues, but this abomination is almost 1000 pages of nothing!!).

Good Scenes

That saying, this book actually had 4 good scenes:

Crochan witches go to war - gathering-forces-to-fight trope, which is my *love-always trope* so I’m not even sure if it was relatively good, or if I’m just a slut for this trope. It was still only a paragraph long though.

[recurring] The children’s tale Aelin repeated to herself to remember who she is.

‘Lorcan Lochan’ - the only marginally funny scene in the whole book

I actually found Darrel making Evangeline his heir charming. Even if circumstances were far-fetched at least.

But the words crime of this book? It was agonisingly, mind-numbingly boring. If the overexplaining and repetitions were to be taken out I highly doubt that there would be 300 pages left.

For these 33 hours of audiobook I suffered through I give it half a star. Because Abraxos exist.

Please see my garishly accurate cover on my instagram! You can also like it there :D

instagram | goodreads

[terramythos]

TerraMythos' 2020 Reading Challenge - Book 22 of 26

Title: House of Leaves (2000) 

Author: Mark Z. Danielewski

Genre/Tags: Horror, Fiction, Metafiction, Weird, First-Person, Third-Person, Unreliable Narrator 

Rating: 6/10

Date Began: 7/28/2020

Date Finished: 8/09/2020

House of Leaves follows two narrative threads. One is the story of Johnny Truant, a burnout in his mid-twenties who finds a giant manuscript written by a deceased, blind hermit named Zampanò. The second is said manuscript -- The Navidson Record -- a pseudo-academic analysis of a found-footage horror film that doesn’t seem to exist. In it, Pulitzer Prize-winning photojournalist Will Navidson moves into a suburban home in Virginia with his partner Karen and their two children. Navidson soon makes the uncomfortable discovery that his new house is bigger on the inside than it is on the outside. Over time he discovers more oddities -- a closet that wasn’t there before, and eventually a door that leads into an impossibly vast, dark series of rooms and hallways. 

While Johnny grows more obsessed with the work, his life begins to take a turn for the worse, as told in the footnotes of The Navidson Record. At the same time, the mysteries of the impossible, sinister house on Ash Tree Lane continue to deepen. 

To get a better idea try this: focus on these words, and whatever you do don’t let your eyes wander past the perimeter of this page. Now imagine just beyond your peripheral vision, maybe behind you, maybe to the side of you, maybe even in front of you, but right where you can’t see it, something is quietly closing in on you, so quiet in fact you can only hear it as silence. Find those pockets without sound. That’s where it is. Right at this moment. But don’t look. Keep your eyes here. Now take a deep breath. Go ahead and take an even deeper one. Only this time as you start to exhale try to imagine how fast it will happen, how hard it’s gonna hit you, how many times it will stab your jugular with its teeth or are they nails? don’t worry, that particular detail doesn’t matter, because before you have time to even process that you should be moving, you should be running, you should at the very least be flinging up your arms--you sure as hell should be getting rid of this book-- you won’t have time to even scream. 

Don’t look. 

I didn’t. 

Of course I looked. 

Some story spoilers under the cut. 

Whoo boy do I feel torn on this one. House of Leaves contains some really intriguing ideas, and when it’s done right, it’s some of the best stuff out there. Unfortunately, there are also several questionable choices and narrative decisions that, for me, tarnish the overall experience. It’s certainly an interesting read, even if the whole is ultimately less than the sum of its parts. 

First of all, I can see why people don’t like this book, or give up on it early (for me this was attempt number three). Despite an interesting concept and framing device, the first third or so of the book is pretty boring. Johnny is just not an interesting character. He does a lot of drugs and has a lot of (pretty unpleasant) sex and... that’s pretty much it, at least at the beginning. There’s occasional horror sections that are more interesting, where Johnny’s convinced he’s being hunted by something, but they’re few and far between. Meanwhile, the story in The Navidson Record seems content to focus on the relationship issues between two affluent suburbanites rather than the much more interesting, physically impossible house they live in. The early “exploration” sections are a little bit better, but overall I feel the opening act neglects the interesting premise. 

However, unlike many, I love the gimmick. The academic presentation of the Navidson story is replete with extensive (fake) footnotes,and there’s tons of self-indulgent rambling in both stories. I personally find it hilarious; it’s an intentionally dense parody of modern academic writing. Readers will note early that the typographical format is nonstandard, with the multiple concurrent stories denoted by different typefaces, certain words in color, footnotes within footnotes, etc. House of Leaves eventually goes off the chain with this concept, gracing us with pages that look like (minor spoilers) this or this. This leads into the best part of this book, namely... 

Its visual presentation! House of Leaves excels in conveying story and feeling through formatting decisions. The first picture I linked is one of many like it in a chapter about labyrinths. And reading it feels like navigating a labyrinth! It features a key “story”, but also daunting, multi-page lists of irrelevant names, buildings, architectural terms, etc. There are footnotes that don’t exist, then footnote citations that don’t seem to exist until one finds them later in the chapter. All this while physically turning the book or even grabbing a mirror to read certain passages. In short, it feels like navigating the twists, turns, and dead ends of a labyrinth. And that’s just one example -- other chapters utilize placement of the text to show where a character is in relation to others, what kind of things are happening around them, and so on. One chapter near the end features a square of text that gets progressively smaller as one turns the pages, which mirrors the claustrophobic feel of the narrative events. This is the coolest shit to me; I adore when a work utilizes its format to convey certain story elements. I usually see this in poetry and video games, but this is the first time I’ve seen it done so well in long-form fiction. City of Saints and Madmen and Shriek: An Afterword by Jeff VanderMeer, both of which I reviewed earlier this year, do something similar, and are clearly inspired by House of Leaves in more ways than one. 

And yes, the story does get a little better, though it never wows me. The central horror story is not overtly scary, but eeriness suffices, and I have a soft spot for architectural horror. Even Johnny and the Navidsons become more interesting characters over time. For example, I find Karen pretty annoying and generic for most of the book, but her development in later chapters makes her much more interesting. While I question the practical need for Johnny’s frame story, it does become more engaging as he descends into paranoia and madness.

So why the relatively low rating? Well... as I alluded to earlier, there’s some questionable stuff in House of Leaves that leaves (...hah?) a bad taste in my mouth. The first is a heavy focus on sexual violence against women. I did some extensive thinking on this throughout my read, but I just cannot find a valid reason for it. The subject feels thrown in for pure shock value, and especially from a male author, it seems tacky and voyeuristic. If it came up once or twice I’d probably be able to stomach this more easily, but it’s persistent throughout the story, and doesn’t contribute anything to the plot or horror (not that that would really make it better). I’m not saying books can’t have that content, but it’s just not explored in any meaningful way, and it feels cheap and shitty to throw it in something that traumatizing just to shock the audience. It’s like a bad jump scare but worse on every level. There’s even a part near the end written in code, which I took the time to decode, only to discover it’s yet another example of this. Like, really, dude? 

Second, this book’s portrayal of mental illness is not great. (major spoilers for Johnny’s arc.) One of the main things about Johnny’s story is he’s an unreliable narrator. From the outset, Johnny has occasional passages that can either be interpreted as genuine horror, or delusional breaks from reality. Reality vs unreality is a core theme throughout both stories. Is The Navidson Record real despite all evidence to the contrary? Is it real as in “is the film an actual thing” or “the events of the film are an actual thing”? and so on and so forth. Johnny’s sections mirror this; he’ll describe certain events, then later state they didn’t happen, contradict himself, or even describe a traumatic event through a made-up story. Eventually, the reader figures out parts of Johnny’s actual backstory, namely that when he was a small child, his mother was institutionalized for violent schizophrenia. Perhaps you can see where this is going... 

Schizophrenia-as-horror is ridiculously overdone. But it also demonizes mental illness, and schizophrenia in particular, in a way that is actively harmful. Don’t misunderstand me, horror can be a great way to explore mental illness, but when it’s done wrong? Woof. Unfortunately House of Leaves doesn’t do it justice. While it avoids some cliches, it equates the horror elements of Johnny’s story to the emergence of his latent schizophrenia. This isn’t outwardly stated, and there are multiple interpretations of most of the story, but in lieu of solid and provable horror, it’s the most reasonable and consistent explanation. There’s also an emphasis on violent outbursts related to schizophrenia, which just isn’t an accurate portrayal of the condition. 

To Danielewski’s credit, it’s not entirely black and white. We do see how Johnny’s descent into paranoia negatively affects his life and interpersonal relationships. There’s a bonus section where we see all the letters Johnny’s mother wrote him while in the mental hospital, and we can see her love and compassion for him in parallel to the mental illness. But the experimental typographical style returns here to depict just how “scary” schizophrenia is, and that comes off as tacky to me. I think this is probably an example of a piece of media not aging well (after all, this book just turned 20), and there’s been a definite move away from this kind of thing in horror, but that doesn’t change the impression it leaves. For a book as supposedly original/groundbreaking as this, defaulting to standard bad horror tropes is disappointing. And using “it was schizophrenia all along” to explain the horror elements in Johnny’s story feels like a cop-out. I wish there was more mystery here, or alternate interpretations that actually make sense. 

Overall The Navidson Record part of the story feels more satisfying. I actually like that there isn’t a direct explanation for everything that happens. It feels like a more genuine horror story, regardless of whether you interpret it as a work of fiction within the story or not. There’s evidence for both. Part of me wishes the book had ended when this story ends (it doesn’t), or that the framing device with Johnny was absent, or something along those lines. Oh well-- this is the story we got, for better or worse. 

I don’t regret reading House of Leaves, and it’s certainly impressive for a debut novel. If you’re looking for a horror-flavored work of metafiction, it’s a valid place to start. I think the experimental style is a genuine treat to read, and perhaps the negative aspects won’t hit you as hard as they did to me. But I can definitely see why this book is controversial. 

[fluttering-by]

Tagged by my dear darling friend @ryuunosenshi​ Thank you very much! 

name: Saffron. 

height: Like, 6′5? 6′6? 

favourite animal: RATTTTTIIIIIIIEEEEEES!!!!!! RATS!!!! 

dogs or cats: Cats

dream job: Good question! 

So, I like to think in terms of dreams vs aspirations. I’m aware of my limitations, I mean my back goes into spasm when I sneeze and I’m currently on bed rest on a liquid diet from something that only minorly inconvenienced everyone else in the car, so I’m not convinced I’ll actually be able to, you know, have a job. 

But my aspiration is psychologist, specifically in the field of artificial intelligence but honestly I’ll take anything. That’s what I’m working towards, that’s the job I really really want. 

But I have so many dreams jobs that aren’t even remotely possible but I still like to dream about. Being a farmer is one. That’s never going to happen, but I so so so want a farm! A proper farm, with sheep, and goats, and cows, and chickens (actually chickens aren’t impossible, one day I’m going to own chickens or ducks and it’s gonna be amazing). 

I also often dream of YouTube taking off and being able to interview toku actors, I mean how amazing would that be? xD Again, completely beyond the realms of possibility, but it’s something I dream of, as opposed to something I’m aspiring to do. 

Anyway, that’s my answer, sorry for rambling. 

when i made this blog: I... I don’t know how to find that out, I’m sorry. I’ll edit this once I find out. 

Edit: Thanks Sas for showing me. It looks like February 26th 2017. So long ago, yet also so recent. 

reason for url: Genuinely just something my grandad said. That’s all. 

followers: 251 (used to be more, but then Zero One happened...)

Tagging: @toku-fangirl-2015

I always get anxiety over overthinking tagging, can I just say.... let me know if you want to do it, and I’ll tag you? 

[neoneidolon]

one year - 1/ 2/20

It’s been a year since I started this blog!

Most of you probably know that this blog holds the OC continuation of the story I started as a canon character on cubicscubedemon. The history hasn’t changed; Morpho uses what used to be their nickname back on the old blog, and they reference things that happened back when they were Amorphous Shape, so they are definitely still the same person, but they were such a tiny presence in their old canon that I feel comfortable calling them my OC now.

So! We’re basically in the epilogue, I think! After a series of huge pushes, they left their Boss and started a new life in hiding. They had a run-in with their homeworld, picked up a sibling by accident, reconnected with an old friend, made some new ones. The nature of their relationships is different now. They’ve come a long way. So what now?

Well, first of all I want to say I’m not planning on quitting yet. There are still things I want to do, or at least lay down the groundwork for happening later in the unwritten bits of Morpho’s life. Because I know how their story is going to end. I probably won’t write it here, because that’s at least a few decades in the future we’re talking about and this blog operates on sorta kinda real-ish time, but it’s a nice bittersweet ending I keep in mind. It was never going to end the way Morph *wants*, but they’ll be happy regardless, I promise.

More Things That Have Happened:

-- they started living on Earth! exactly what the version of me who ran the old blog swore up and down would never happen in the default “verse”/timeline. Past me is eating their words right now

-- on a semi-related note, wow, this blog has been running for a year and still hasn’t gained any alternate verse tags? that’s kind of impressive

-- so now when I read through the old blog archive it’s going to be an organization nightmare figuring out if the version of Morpho in a given post is the same one as in this blog or not

-- I straight up forgot that Morpho already knew their timeline’s version of their Boss was dead. In the kidnapping event, Bill told them that and they reacted like it was new information. It wasn’t. I’m just an idiot who doesn’t read the archive enough.

-- Morpho is now: 10-20% more honest! 40% more emotionally open! 4% more humble! 80% deeper into their destiny as the local eldritch witchy grandma/eccentric uncle who has seven dozen other dimensions on speed-dial!

-- they’re still working on letting go of their need to be the “better version” of their ex-Boss, but what happened in Hyperspaceland went a long, long way in proving to them that the Multiverse can have wildly unlikely good things happen in it, and that they can make a positive difference without having to do it the way they had impressed upon them for years.

-- plus, they now have friends and acquaintances who are “weird” like them, who have managed to make good lives for themselves without having to be subject to dimensional power struggles and other unwanted cosmic nonsense. They didn’t think being able to “retire”/live quietly was really possible for people like themself, so seeing otherwise is really good for them. They don’t think directly about this, though, it’s subconscious.

-- but they still have a long way to go and a lot of deep-seated issues to unravel, and now they have to raise their time-clone twin sibling and pray they don’t mess the kid up.

Things I’d Like to Happen, Either Written Here or Not:

-- Morph letting go of their instinct to manipulate situations to their favor, and also their tendency to make things more difficult by lying

-- Morpho letting go of the assumption that most people have ulterior motives, even if their history demonstrates that they have a good reason to believe that

-- Beta growing up, working out how they are and are not Morpho, simultaneously

-- Morpho reaching a point where they can be trusted to not (usually) try using people for their own personal gain, so they can finally go back to their real calling (teaching) properly this time

I worry a lot about whether I keep things consistent here, if Morpho’s still the same person they were two years ago or one year ago. They seem happier, anyway. I don’t think they would be as happy if I was just shearing off unpalatable parts of them out of misplaced fear. At the same time, they are always going to be a little bit awful!

And what about Beta? I keep saying we’re near the end, but just as Morpho’s coming in on the close of their development, Beta’s is just beginning, under totally different circumstances as her elder twin. Life as the soul of a magical alien spirit thing, in the body of an earthly creature, isn’t going to be easy for her. If I wanted, I could lean all the focus on her and get a whole new narrative out of it.

That brings me to something else I wanted to talk about. So if you’ve followed me for a while, you know this about me: for better or for worse, I always have a narrative arc in mind. There are good things and bad things about that approach, and it’s pretty easy to screw up, especially where other people are involved. And the problem with characters who develop is that it is totally possible to develop them too much, to extend their story so far that they become somebody who doesn’t resemble who they were originally. I’m worried about this happening with Morph. I’m also worried about this blog just becoming an endless series of me coming up with some arbitrary new conflict or danger or drama every time I get bored of describing their mundane life. I don’t want to bore anyone. (I know, the wisdom is to RP for yourself and your own fun, but it still involves other people and also, I need to entertain, otherwise what is the point of my story?)

This blog is... might end before this time this year. I say might, it’s not that I don’t enjoy anymore and want to quit. After that? I don’t know. Starting an art blog on Tumblr feels kind of pointless now since the platform is dying, and RP is one of the major reasons I stick around since I don’t really use my personal blog much anymore. If I don’t write here, I feel like I’m going to slip away from a lot of friends. I don’t want to lose you all. I could start a new muse, Beta or someone else, but...

I want to do something different, too.

And that brings me to the last (I think) thing, which is what form Morpho’s story might take next. Because if I DO end this blog before the beginning of next year, I wouldn’t be done with Morph by a long shot. I love them too much and there’s too much of me I sunk into them. So what would I do?

Well, I was hoping to spin a web thing with words and pictures. ...I think I’m just going to call it a web serial. No intention of ever formally publishing it. It would be the same basic arc again, but more polished and with all the Gravity Falls filed off a backstory and setting that is more original to me, plus additional new plot things and side characters. Definitely taking place in a Multiverse, though, how could it not?

coming up with a villain to replace Bill Cipher has been basically impossible but Morpho’s story can’t function without somebody in that role

Maybe this is misguided of me, maybe it will fail to launch, or launch and then fail, and attempting to run it alongside this blog is an almost guaranteed terrible idea, but I want to do it. Morpho is never going to get a book series or a TV show, so this is what I have for them. It could be pretty interesting if it works. They feel ready. And most importantly I know I can tell this long rambly story and finish it, because I’ve already done it, here with the help of a bunch of writers--friends-- that I admire. Morpho wouldn’t have made it this far without you.

When is it coming? I don’t really know. Work on the first installments is happening, but it’s slow, and there’s key things I don’t know yet. Most of it is going to be flying by the seat of my pants, making it up as I go (but y’know, making it up better, with slightly less improvisation than I usually employ here). I’m graduating from community college in mid March of this year, which is going to be a major life change that is probably going to turn my life completely upside down. Maybe I will suddenly not have any time for creating anything, be it an RP blog or a web serial, much less both! haha I’m terrified 

But with luck, I’m hoping that what I am tentatively calling Amos vs. Everything will be out soon. Like, really soon. Some point between late January and when I graduate. (Now I just have to A. figure out where I’m hosting this thing and B. graduate. It would be really embarrassing if I flunked out of my last semester of school.)

I can see it now: somebody going “who the heck is ‘Amos’? The main character’s name is Morpho!” and I will smile and say ‘wait and see’ because they don’t know, but you. You all know.

And that’s about it! This is but a small and humble blog, and I like it that way. I appreciate every one of you who are here at time of writing. For the ones I don’t manage to interact with much-- I’m useless and shy. Poke me, reasonably. If you’re just here to spectate, that’s cool too. :D For the ones who come write here a lot, or did once-- you built this house.

Okay I should stop now or I’ll be sitting here forever! I can’t believe you read all this! Thank you all for everything and Happy New Year!

[dogs-in-a-trenchcoat]

I hate putting things under a read more cuz my abuser used to do it to fuck with me (like just put one or two lines under a read more anytime he’d speak whether it was good or bad so you didn’t know what to expect going in) but also it ended up really really long lmao and its pretty dumb anyway, so it’s probably best to do it even though I feel weird seeing the “keep reading” bar anymore.

so like disclaimer for anyone going in blind (like without reading my also very long rambling in the tags) I’m rambling about bad mental health shit and how shitty things make me feel and how idk what to do with myself ever

The internet (especially tumblr and more recently pinterest, which has seen an influx of literally all the screenshotted discourse I've been able to avoid on tumblr, both of which which so happen to also be pretty much the only websites with content that interests me) is so, so bad for my mental health. And I want to do something about that (like making this blog and only following friends, no matter how much I may want to follow others, has already been helpful but at this point its not really enough anymore)

But also before smartphones what I did with this time I've been spending on these websites was stare at the roof, or try to memorize the texture of my wall, or dissociate into a corner and/or try to pretend I was somewhere else because corners are non descript and if you stare hard enough you can make out like a horizon with snow or a hotel room you once stayed in back when you were less fucked up

So like that time now being preoccupied with equal measure extremely distressing discourse arguments in my head about my validity as a human being vs being able to see pretty art or interesting takes on a show I like or some cool interior design, etc. Basically it sort of feels impossible to go back to just empty staring when I have the option to preoccupy myself with something (like the study that was done that showed humans would literally rather painfully shock themselves when left bored and alone than sit doing nothing) even when that something can hurt.

And idk if that would qualify as an addiction, or literally just the most basic human nature. But either way I'm not sure what I can do to find something healthier but equally easy to preoccupy myself with, because my mental illnesses/chronic pain/executive dysfunction etc make doing anything else feel impossible.

Like I used to do youtube and podcasts but I've watched every single YouTube video posted to the channels that interest me (when I was working, for 2 years I'd have to find 40-60 hours a week of content, and for another year before that I had about 28 hours a week of content to find - so you can go through even a 2 year long backlog of extra long livestreams pretty quickly that way, since nobody interesting livestreams 10 hours a day 5 days a week.) and have trouble finding new channels cuz I'm like... morally opposed (lol) to clicking on clickbait. And with podcasts (cuz I still haven't finished the adventure zone cuz that was the most recent thing I found to watch before I had to quit working, and nightvale has probably uploaded 3 new episodes since I left?) I end up not being able to focus if I don't have something to multi-task with, which at that point takes too much effort to replace browsing online.

So now that I've pretty much watched all of YouTube (I'm exaggerating but I have standards and I'm not gonna watch like cringe culture teardowns of 12 year olds done by like 28-40 year old fuckwits or 2 hour videos telling me to stop enjoying TV shows I like, and I'm not exactly interested in prank videos) I can't even fall back on that, especially as good content just keeps dwindling as I keep growing out of more and more of the channels I used to be able to watch.

Anyway if anyone read all that I'm sorry lol, but also congrats?

[dr-jb]

Here’s my first Bechloe fanfic. It’s been a while since I’ve written anything so I’m a bit rusty. Because of that, there’s bound to be mistakes. Be gentle with me, please? Okay, I’m done rambling. Enjoy, nerds!

The room is dark, still, as though she‘s the only one here. But she knows she isn’t. The rest of the Bellas are looking for her, hoping to take a shot at their captain. All of her senses are on high alert as she navigates the iridescent maze in front of her.

Beca wouldn’t be in this situation, or stupid getup for that matter, if it wasn’t for a certain redhead and her need for more team bonding. They literally just got back from the retreat four days ago. How much more bonding do they possibly need?!

Goddamnit, Chloe, Beca thinks to herself, taking a cautious step to her left before ducking down behind a massive pillar. Why laser tag?

The bonding exercise had started out relatively well and, actually, kinda fun. Something that surprised the short brunette.

It’s also something that didn’t last very long.

What was once a 5 vs. 5 battle is now the Bellas vs. Beca. Which is why she now finds herself scared shitless in a corner with bulky laser tag gear on and a whole lotta Bellas closing in on her.

A creak to her right her forces her to spin around, gun raised, eyes frantically searching for their target. But there’s nothing there. More importantly, there’s no one. She takes a steadying breath, attempting to calm her pounding heart.

Shit. Shit. Shit.

She should’ve never agreed to this. But when Chloe has an idea, there’s no stopping her. Especially when she gives Beca the big ‘ol puppy eyes with those baby blues of hers.

She could never say no to Chloe.

Her eyes dart to her left then to her right and back again, watching for any signs of the Bellas. Still nothing. Not a peep.

How are they able to be fucking ghosts now, but they’re loud as all hell at 2 in the morning?! She thinks.

Footsteps and small giggle just to her left grab Beca’s attention. She’d know who that was anywhere.

Chloe.

Her lips curve upwards in a mischievous smirk. The fear she felt just a few seconds ago is gone, vanishing in an instant, and in its place is pure hunger. With a new surge of confidence, Beca leaves the comfort of her hiding spot and steps out into the open. A flash of neon red immediately catches her eye. So she follows it.

The smile never leaves her face as she inches closer and closer to her co-captain. As soon as Beca is in reach of Chloe, she does what any normal person would do during a game of laser tag... she pounces.

“Gotcha!”

Before Chloe can let out a squeal of surprise, she feels the weight of Beca at her back and a hand flies to her mouth, silencing her. Beca flips the redhead around so she faces her, then gently backs Chloe into a small opening, hand still on her mouth.

“Thought you could sneak up on me, huh? Well, give me your best shot, Beale,” Beca says in a low, intimidating voice, face mere inches from Chloe’s. She drops her hand from Chloe’s mouth to her upper arm, and waits for a response.

“Becs, it wasn’t me,” Chloe whispers. “Amy corralled the girls together and pitted them all against us. I’ve been trying to find you.”

“Wait. Are you — You mean I’ve been hiding like a coward this entire time when we could’ve been cowards together?”

Chloe scrunches her face in guilt. “Yeah... Sorry.”

“I’ve been scared out of mind, Chlo! We need to make a plan. Like now.” Chloe nods in agreement. “But what? At this point we’re probably surrounded.”

Beca grumbles a quick “shit” while glancing behind her to make sure they’re still alone. Beca turns back to Chloe, but what sight awaits her makes her stomach drop. Uh oh. 

“What are you...?”

A bright red flash and a high-pitched sound come from Beca’s vest. She releases Chloe, mouth open, eyes wide with betrayal.

“You just shot me,” she gasps, looking down at her blinking vest before turning her gaze back up. “I-I don’t... um, what just happened?”

“You just got played!” Chloe cheers, arms raised in the air in victory.

Beca simply stares at the woman before her. “I — wh-what...l,” she stutters, searching for the right words but not finding any.

The smug, yet adorable, redhead before her is beaming. “Consider this payback.“

“Payback?! For what? What’d I’d do?”

With a shit-eating grin on her lips, Chloe takes a few steps forward so she’s now toe-to-toe with the brunette. She doesn’t speak right away, letting the silence wash over them as she sees the realization hit in Beca’s eyes when she figures it out. And it only makes Chloe smile that much more.

“You set all of this up as a way to get back at me for not telling you about the internship? Are you kidding me?!” Beca’s starting to get upset, and a bit pissed off if she’s being honest. “Dude, we literally talked about this less than a week ago. I thought things were cool?”

Chloe nods. “Oh, they are. I just wanted to give you a little taste of your own medicine.”

Beca rolls her eyes and doesn’t say anything as she begins to pace back and forth.

“Are you mad at me?” Chloe asks after what felt like minutes of grueling silence, when, in reality, it had only been like 10 seconds.

When Beca still doesn’t respond, Chloe shortens the distance between the two of them once again and tilts her head to the side to get the pouting woman to look at her.

“Hey,” the redhead says in a soft voice. “Look, I’m sorry I made you feel bad about the internship, and for putting you through all of this laser tag-team bonding stuff. I know it’s not your thing, and I’m sorry.” Chloe takes a deep breath, “Can... can we just call it even?” More silence greets her. “Please? Come on, don’t make me beg.”

When Beca’s blue eyes meet Chloe’s, she rewarded with a pretty adorable sight — Chloe’s got her bottom lip sticking out, eyes wide, in her best pouty face. It makes Beca laugh.

“There it is. There’s that beautiful smile,” Chloe beams, clasping their hands with a single squeeze. “Forgive me?”

Beca nods with a sigh. “Only if you forgive me.”

“Deal!” She then brings her friend into a hug. 

Beca smiles into the other woman’s shoulder, not ready to let go just yet. “And hey, thank you for this. It was ridiculous and I will never do it again. But ... thanks. I needed it more than I thought.”

The two pull apart, hands clasped together.

“Great way to relieve stress, huh?”Chloe asks, giving Beca’s hands a squeeze.

“It, uh, definitely helped me forget about the damn internship and worlds. But no. How was any of this not stressful? I’ve been running for my life for the last, oh — 50 minutes, while you and Amy and everybody hunted me down like a friggin’ dog.”

Chloe merely laughs at her friend’s dramatics. “Okay, A) we’ve only been playing for 15 minutes, you big baby. B) the girls all left about 10 minutes ago, so it’s just been the two of us in here. And C) just admit you had fun!”

She gives Beca a poke in the side for good measure. Then continues to do so until Beca caves.

“Okay, okay. If I admit it, what do I get in return?”

It’s meant to be playful and lighthearted, but oh, how the mood quickly shifts.

Chloe smirks, all smug and serious, and it makes Beca immediately regret asking the question. Her heart begins beating faster and louder in her chest as the distance becomes basically non-existent between the two of them.

The air is thick, making it harder for Beca to breathe. She audibly gulps, watching with wide eyes as Chloe takes agonizing step by step until they’re chest-to-chest. 

The bulky laser tag gear clanks at the contact, but neither woman is paying any attention to that. 

No. Their sole focus is on each other, and more specifically, on each other’s mouths.

Chloe slowly, oh so slowly, brings her face right up to Beca’s, and smirks inwardly as she feels the younger woman tense up. Her mouth is now at Beca’s ear, and the hot air from her breath sends tingles down her spine.

Finally, finally, Chloe talks.

“Oh, Mitchell. I’m not sure you’d be able to handle it if you tried.” Well, fuck, Beca thinks. As soon as Chloe pulls back, Beca’s hands fly up and hold her still. “Wait,” she breathes.

Now it’s Chloe’s turn to freeze.

“Try me,” Beca says, doing her best to keep her voice as level as possible.

It’s all the invitation Chloe needs, and soon, their mouths are pressed together, moving and dancing as they kiss for the first time.

Beca kisses Chloe back with all of the want and lust that’s coursing through her veins. Her hands grip the other woman’s hips in a vice lock, tugging her closer – like that was even possible.

They eventually pull apart, both breathless as they open their eyes and stare at one another in amazement.

Holy shit.

Beca feels her mouth curving upward in a smile that matches Chloe’s. It’s takes her a moment to get her heart rate under control, but then she says, “Okay, I’ll admit that that was fun... I’m still a little iffy on the whole laser tag part though.”

Her comment makes Chloe laugh. “You’re impossible,” she chuckles.

Beca, feeling bold, yanks Chloe back to her and whispers in her ear, “Am I? Why don’t you prove me wrong then, Beale?”

Beca plants a brief kiss on her lips then walks away, leaving a flustered Chloe behind. Only, she doesn’t get very far because her vest suddenly flashes, signaling she’s been shot... again.

Son of a–

Turning in a whirlwind, she finds that Chloe is no longer there. “It’s so on! You’re gonna regret that, Chlo!”

“I highly doubt that!” She hears somewhere in the maze, only to be followed by, “You just gonna stand there, or are you gonna come find me?”

“Oh, I’m gonna do so much more than that,” she calls back, tightly gripping the plastic gun as she sets off in search of the feisty, hot redhead. 

Maybe laser tag wasn’t so bad after all...

Annnd there you have it, folks. Like I said before, this was the first time I’ve written a fic in a very long time -- I’m talking years here -- so go easy on me.

Much love, DR-JB

[tydy-the-megnet]

Get Ready for a Long Post: Elby9001 Writing Stats for 2017

Uh… What? Fics I’ve written this year? Jeez, I hope I recall them all.

Tagged by @sp4c3-0ddity (i love your blog so thx!)

Tagging… Um… @jackandlanterns ? and… @yojimbra and… um…… @hopefullypessimistic84 you wanna do it? @fuckingchatnoir too, if you want?

Okay, Let’s do this. Luckily, I tag all my fics on tumblr with #fanfiction so finding all my fics is easy (especially if you want to find them right now *winks with boths eyes*) MOVING ON

Also You can search for this post under the tag “Masterlist” because it has links to ALL my fics. You’re welcome ;)

Breakdown: Fanfics Posted

23 Voltron fics – 60.6%

5 Miraculous Ladybug fics – 13.2%

4 Camp Camp fics – 10.5%

4 Naruto fics – 10.5%

1 RWBY fic – 2.6%

1 Harry Potter fic – 2.6%

Tumblr Fics (Found on my blog, obviously)

–Voltron: Legendary Defender (All Pidgance)

Nonsense (Pidge? Like him? No way)

Together, But Not Together (Lance rambles to Pidge)

Just Like Home (Aw, they’re homesick)

Feline Affectionate (Lance wants the pussy Pidge is a Cat?)

Where Are We? (Lost, but not stressed)

Baked (”Lance, are you… high?”)

Coding (Actually, ciphering)

Freedom (When FInals Week ends)

The Box (Lance has a box. Pidge is curious)

Headpwnd (Dancing)

Treasured (Treasure hunting)

This Guy’s... (Operation: Find-Out-Lance’s-Type)

Iron Paladin (Iron Man AU)

Laundering (Who doesn’t love a good laundry mix-up?)

Preprogrammed (Flirty Robot)

Hopelance Romantic (Lance is a hopeless romantic)

Virtually Impossible (Lance? Winning at video games?)

It’s “Pining,” Not “Piping” (Pidge pining for Lance)

Soulstice (Soulmate AU)

Growing Plance (Pidge has a green-ish thumb)

Snow Angel (Pidge likes the indoors, but miracles do happen)

Tall Tales (He was so tall, and she was so short)

Through the Looking Glass (glasses fluff)

That Cute Green Monster (Green [with envy] Paladin)

–Miraculous: Tales of Ladybug and Chat Noir

Marinette DuPun-Cheng (Marinette makes a pun. Adrien Approves)

Dadrien (Adrien makes dad jokes. Marinette does not approve)

How to Pick Up Ladybugs (Adrien finds out Ladybug’s ID and turns up the charm) (Adrienette)

Getting into Character (Adrien and Nino dress-up for Halloween)

Aishiteru, Adrien-kun (Adrienette, Mari tries to confess in foreignese)

–Camp Camp (All Marris)

Pixie and the Python (Max asks Gwen for dating advice)

Making People (Somewhat of a sequel to above)

The Questgivers (Max vs Nerris’ parents)

The New Girl (High school AU)

Fanfiction fics (found here)

–Naruto

The Ultimate Ninjutsu (Team Kakashi wins thanks to Naruto’s jutsu)

Oh, It’s You (NaruHina Soulmate AU)

Assassination Exams (normal school AU – know the game “Assassin”?)

New Soul Revamped! (My take on an OC in Naruto’s body. one of my only multi-chapter fics)

–RWBY

This Is JNPR (Lancaster JNPR band AU romcom)

–Harry Potter

Let It Sink In (Sirius is up to no good, Amelia catches him.)

Total Work Count: 38

Ship Breakdown: PIDGANCE WINS at an overwhelming 60.5% of my fics. Blame @pidgancemonth2017 for that.

Character Breakdown: Pidge Gunderson, aka Katie Holt, wins. Again, protag of 60.5% of my fics.Lance McClain has a good second place, but I focused more on Pidge throughout because I like her more

BESTS AND WORSTS

Best Title(s)? I’m very fond of Through the Looking Glass because I’m a fan of Lewis Carroll and Alice in Wonderland. Also, Growing Plance because I like puns and I adore that ship name.

Worst Title? This Guy’s… I am NOT proud of that one.

Best First Line? From Just Like Home 

“Voltron’s yellow paladin walked into the kitchen with one purpose: snacking.”

I like that line because, like why else would you walk into a kitchen lol

Worst First Line? Direct okay. From New Soul Revamped!

“It was a bright day in the Land of Fire and in the Village Hidden in the Leaves as well.”

I don’t like it because if it’s bright in the Land of Fire, it’s gonna be bright in the Leaf Village duh you idiot

Best Last Line? Well… From Preprogrammed

“‘So,’ she concluded, ‘Why would someone else’s robot flirt with my boyfriend?’”

Because same, girl, same.

but ALSO from Growing Plance

“In a fierce whisper, she spoke to PM3, ‘Pidge McClain III. Not. One. Word.’”

I adore this line because Pidge is so cute in that one.

Worst Last Line? Calling for it again ooh boy. From This Guy’s…

“’Hunk,’ Lance glanced to him, stifling snickers, ‘What do you think of Katie’s new haircut?’”

That line is such a week ending ugh.

GENERAL QUESTIONS

Looking back, did you write more or less fics than you expected?

Way more, mostly because of Pidgance month (it brought upon over half of my fics this year.)

What pairing/genre/fandom did you write that you wouldn’t have expected last year?

Considering I just got into Voltron this year… Pidgance and Voltron. I mostly stick to the same genres, though…

What’s your favorite story that you wrote?

Through the Looking Glass because I wear glasses and every time someone tells me that I explode I’ve ruined so many outfits with that pls help

What’s your most popular story?

On tumblr, with 72 notes as of 01-01-2018 (one more than the second place spot) is Treasured 

One fanfiction.net Dadrien leads with 119 faves (eight above the second place spot) as of 01-01-2018

Least popular story?

Oh boy… on tumblr, it’s Making People with 5 notes

On fanfiction.net Let It Sink In has only 3 faves

Fic that could use the most improvement?

Emphasis on “the most” because ALL my fics could use improvement to some extent. But the one that needs it the most is Marinette DuPun-Cheng. It was just… awful. I’d scrap it completely and never look back, but I use it as a standing point to say “I’m getting better all the time”

Sexiest Fic? *winks with with both eyes*

SPOILER ALERT

HA! I don’t really write sex scenes… So… The closest would be The Ultimate Ninjutsu, where Naruto uses Sexy Jutsu during the bell-test

Saddest Story?

I don’t write sad stories much either… But I’d have to say

It’s “Pining,” Not “Piping” or That Cute Green Monster

one of those is the saddest, but I can’t decide which.

Most fun to write?

Oh goodness. Three-way tie!

of Voltron, Hopelance Romantic

of Miraculous Ladybug, How to Pick Up Ladybugs

of Camp Camp, Pixie and the Python

Story with single sweetest moment?

Hm. Good question… What is a “sweet moment” though? A moment of genuine connection and caring shown between two people whether romantic, platonic, or familial?

Literally all of Making People is Max doing his best to show Nerris he’s trying. I think that’s really sweet. But also, Treasured is really sweet I think

Hardest story to write?

New Soul Revamped! is really hard because I failed once I’m trying really hard not to fail again.

Hopelance Romantic was also hard, just because I had to keep deleting and rewriting because my first few drafts were unsatisfactory

Easiest story to write?

Freedom was literally me just expressing after making it through finals so

Did any stories shift your perception of characters?

Writing Marinette Dupain-Cheng made me think Marinette was boring unless Ladybug was directly involved.

Most overdue story?

I don’t really put deadlines on my stories… But I guess Tall Tales was uploaded like a day after the prompt dictated?

Did you take any writing risks this year?

This is JNPR is my first multichapter romcom, and I’m not far in, but I’ve learned that you can’t be lenient with your readers because no ending is acceptable

What are your writing goals for 2018?

Ohhh boy… I guess I want to keep up with my multichapter fics, This Is JNPR, New Soul Revamped, and Getting into Character. Also, I want to branch out into some other fandoms, too

Wow. Thanks for tagging me. Doing this has felt amazing.

What now? Snack? Snack.