#me: so i have these horrible episodes of depression and then i swing back to normal

[witchstone]

another thing to add to the hack doctor pile, the same guy who told me that "some people are just tired all the time" was convinced that the depression i had was actually bipolar disorder. like....no?

[sheepskinnedgoat]

I guess it's greatly possible that I have a very... I don't know, skewed perspective about stuff like abuse and harm as a mentally ill person. People say stuff so broadly and I can't begin to describe how much seeing that stuff at my lowest points harmed me and made me worse. People are very good at framing things in ways that made me feel like they don't actually believe in people healing and doing better after making really huge mistakes. Because I made BIG ones and I regret them so fucking deeply. I am fighting with the concept of self-forgiveness because I've been taught that there's no retribution for shitty and abusive behavior.

I don't want to be so bold as to lay out what happened, but I guess I might as well. My wife is encouraging me and I've been wanting to talk about it, anyway.

Trigger warning for discussion of abuse, mental health, and suicide under cut.

Last year, when my mom started dying, I started declining very rapidly and severely. I don't think I've ever outright said this because of how I've been treated in the past for being open, but I have Bipolar I Disorder. I've seen doctors and therapists on an off over the last decade+ since my diagnosis. My struggle is a common one. I'm very typical of someone with extreme mood swings and psychosis. I most frequently experience dysphoric mania, which is where my psychosis typically rears its ugly head.

In these moments until last year, all of my shitty behavior mostly involved me expressing anger and frustration with wall hitting, throwing my things to break them, hurting myself, and degrading my wife. It was not always this way, but moving away from home and having an unforgiving job lead to me falling back off my medication. Over the last 3-4 years, I have become very terrible in my health and how I act when my brain overreacts to situations and stresses around me.

Then Mom got cancer.

I began having even more cycling, lots and lots of depression, increasing suicidal thoughts, and episodes. Bad episodes. One of the holidays I was meant to go see my mom, I had a serious meltdown because I was tired of going to see how much closer she was. It was hard seeing her dying. She was worse every time I made it out, and something minor had triggered another episode. I then locked myself in the bathroom and tried to kill myself.

My wife tried stopping me. I became physically violent and started saying really horrible things. This episode came to an end, and it seemed despite everything I had done very little physical damage to her by her own account. I do not remember much about what I actually did or said. It's like a faded dream I had once and only the outlines are left.

I had another episode I do not remember, triggered by seemingly nothing. She informed me later on I had hit her, and asked me why. I was unable to explain, because I didn't even know what she was referring to. I do now, but the overall details are gone.

Later on, not terribly long before she passed away, I tried to end things again. I recklessly drove to a graveyard on the back roads and began attempting to hurt myself. I started getting calls, my phone blowing up. I have some vague memories, but I am not sure if all of them are real. I do know I ignored my mom out of shame, but eventually answered my aunt. I think at the beginning I answered my wife and berated her before hanging up, but I'm not positive. I wanted to die more than anything else in the world. I was so angry. I don't even know why. My wife remembers how it unfolded, but ultimately none of it makes sense.

That was also the day my neighbor decided to pick a fight with me about my animals, which then snowballed in her repeatedly calling animal control, lol. Did not work out the way she wanted. She kept lying to them to get them out to see them, but they could never find the starving, tortured animals. What a fucking nightmare that was on top of everything.

My mom died, and I don't really remember how I felt or reacted or what I did during that time. It's difficult, and I think it's because I have been blocking it out as much as possible. Losing my mom was something I knew would be hard, but I deeply underestimated it.

Later on in the year, I did try killing myself again. Once again she tried stopping me, and even kicked in the door. It got more physically violent than the last time and I was more vicious and cruel.

Overall, I'm stuck with guilt and shame and self-hatred. Beyond these incidents, I lapsed repeatedly into despicable actions and behavior. I frequently feel out of control, but not everything I say to her is done in these extreme episodes where I'm trying to hurt myself. Rage is unfortunately a really major symptom for me, and it's activated by some of the dumbest shit. I feel like some things have become bad habits, and I'm constantly having to talk out things with my spouse because I cannot even imagine what it must be like to be on the receiving end of needless cruelty and vitriol.

I know what I have done is largely abusive and wrong. Things have been bad enough that I kept having long periods of not wanting help. All I have wanted is death, to not exist, to end what I'm feeling. Being angry is not fun. Being in pain sucks. Being sick is terrible. I am devastated by what I have done, but somehow my wife is holding strong and pushing me forward. Because of her, I managed to drag myself into getting therapy. I got lucky that someone in my local community is a therapist with the same disorder as me, and when she advertised openings I jumped on it, even though I didn't want to help myself.

Which is something key, that people bring up a lot online. People who don't want help are the worst, right? Irredeemable, it seems. I didn't want help. I wanted to kill myself. I wanted to die. I still want to die, but I've found a burst of driving force within myself and, as of today, I finally have an appointment with a psychiatrist to seek medication management. I cannot get any traction otherwise. Therapy has been helpful and my therapist is amazing, but there's no stability. I default to self-hate, guilt, and suicidality. I default to violence, though generally verbal excepting those instances of psychosis.

I can't grasp what I keep getting told by my wife and my therapist about being accountable but forgiving myself. It seems false. Impossible. It doesn't feel like I should, that doing that or pointing to my broken brain is appropriate. I'm always terrified what people will think of me if they know the truth of my struggles and how much I have hurt the person closest to me. My only support, because I keep distancing myself further and further from people.

In all of this, she gained friends that used me as a stop-gap for getting to know specifically her. It caused some rocky turmoil in our relationship. I blame myself for her mistakes there, because maybe if I hadn't been acting like a piece of shit, she wouldn't have felt so lonely. And they found out that things got bad, but not any of the details about it because they never asked or gave her a chance to explain when she wasn't distressed. I fear them and what they think of me. I fear them going out into shared queer spaces and telling all the queers I'm slowly trying to get to know that I'm a horrible abuser that beat my wife and controls her. Because they're not wrong. I don't feel like they're wrong, but they're also responsible parties in their own shitty behavior, but who would hear me after they find out I'm a terrible person?

It's... I suppose a bit self-centered, this paranoia. She tells me I don't deserve this, and that they don't matter. I'm trying to believe her, because if nothing else matters she does, and her opinions do. She has to live with me. She's married to me.

So I am untreated bipolar. It's a fucking nightmare. I fight with my abusive and toxic tendencies, that I fight to not participate in. But fighting back my unstable reactions to things is a chore and I become fatigued very often. I don't know why she endures for me, but she does. I love her, as much as I can. Sometimes I am numb, but she says she knows I love her and it makes me cry.

People are complicated. I have not always been very kind or empathetic. I only recently learned that having a hard time with empathy during mixed episodes is pretty normal for bipolar. It's not always. It's another thing that sees extreme differences depending on how I'm feeling, and I sure do feel too much too often.

I am healing myself as best as I can. I am working to do better and be better even while my brain persists on convincing me I don't want help; that I should just self-destruct. I am a human. I wish more people could see that part about me even when I'm not being a very good or nice person. I will be better someday, but it would be a lot easier if it ever felt like everyone else could give me the grace to fuck up while sick and still have room to take that accountability without feeling evil for my actions.

I have been a victim. I have been an abuser. Someday, I hope I can just be healed.

[the-blackbird-murmuration]

Tw sh, suicidal, struggles with family and general mental health

When I was in ~7th grade I somewhat realised that my mood swings that made me lash out at my friends, my periods of emotional numbness, and overall relationship with my family was probably not the best and most likely at the very least kind of problematic. I made friends with this (now very dear) person online around the same time. After the 'honeymoon' period at the beginning of our friendship, I started going back to the same behaviours I had with my irl friends. This time, however, my online fri3nd brought up the fact that I was probably having depressive episodes and that I had quite depressive tendencies (or something along those lines). I was very self destructive and had a horribly low self esteem in every way possible. The same friend made it clear to me several times that I will probably have an inclination towards things like suicidal ideation and sh and such in the future but that they truly hope I will never come to it. Well, fast forward a few years, I can check those things off my list.

I just feel like there's something so surreal about that. The friend knows ab the first major and probably most serious (thus far) suicdal episode, but doesn't k ow about the subsequent episodes and the sh.

I've always been quite a happy person at school, despite my struggles with family and chronic pain that I had for several years even to the point that my teachers didn't believe that I was suffering from chronic pain 24/7 for several years. Again fast forward a few years and I was my happiest at school. The chronic pain subsided and became episodic, but the family situation only got worse. And yet I was a dedicated student and school was my passion (whether it was purely out of the validation i got for doing well or not I'm not entirely sure). I did however open up about some aspects of my family life and how I was struggling with it, but never too explicitly. I also ended up opening up ab my sh to the same teachers but bc I wasn't (visibly) struggling at school (despite my endless breakdowns and panic attacks in the school bathroom), it was never seen as a big deal.

Regarding my sh, it's only been getting worse. I keep thi king about how to cut deeper and deeper, and what tools I can use to maximise the pain and 'quality' of the cuts.

My online friend (who at the time was ~12) should not have been responsible for my wellbeing (when I was also ~12). It should not have been their burden to carry. It should not have been them searching up "how to help friend with depressive tendencies."

Time and time again, the only person that would ever hear me out and would truly listen to me when I would confess that I witnessed my grandfather running around with an axe trying to genuinely kill my grandmother, was this friend. Time and time again, adults would dismiss me as a mere overthinker (which to some extent I was at some points in time). Time and time again, more important and 'serious' cases were taken care of instead of mine. Time and time again I wondered how these truly amazing teachers of mine who in many ways were genuinely thoughtful and observant, could not see just how much pain I have and continue to be in.

My existence in itself has become a call for help which apparently is silent and invisible for one reason or another. I continue to disintegrate, cut by cut, breakdown by breakdown, one destructive coping mechanism after another and perhaps I will never stop until I completely fall to ashes.

[a-lil-perspective]

What triggers it? The depression. Or the episodes, I guess. If it’s okay to ask.

Well, I’m not quite sure; the depression itself is always a part of me, in a very all-consuming way I might add, but I won’t get into that right now. I wish it was something I could turn on and off (preferably off).

As far as the episodes; I’m not really sure either. These days, it could be anything. Seriously. It just gets worse and worse (as the lot of you well know based on my continuous bitching) and it’s very unpredictable. The past two years or so it has turned into an absolute beast, and I find I barely have a refractory period before the condition is rearing its ugly head, and I’m frozen in the deepest pits I can never seem to climb too far out of. I’ve noticed positive emotions for me are very short-lived these days. The mood swings are horrible, horrible, horrible. I wouldn’t be surprised if I have some wacko hormone imbalance.

Coming back to the present; I did have a couple of pretty intrusive memories, things I haven’t thought about in a long time, come up suddenly today without warning and I felt the makings of a panic attack coming on so I think maybe that’s what did it for today.

[m0oooon-presence]

it's very strange being abused by my mom my entire life only to have her turn around and start acting nice now. It feels like whiplash to have someone who called me ''hard to love'' and made me feel like satan my entire life suddenly start being decent.

I was on psych meds almost my entire life until I moved out because of her because any time I would object to anything she'd drag me to psychiatrists and tell them I had OCD and depression and anxiety. I didn't start out having OCD, I wasn't really afraid of anything. But after being told ''DON'T TOUCH THAT IT HAS GERMS'' ''WASH YOUR HANDS OR YOU'LL GET SICK'' ''DON'T LEAVE YOUR DRINK OUT AND THEN PUT IT BACK IN THE FRIDGE YOU'LL GET SICK''[it was just lemonade and had only been out for 5 minutes] ''DON'T TOUCH THAT BIRD FEATHER ON THE GROUND YOU'LL GET LICE'' I obviously eventually developed a complex about it so then she'd say ''WHY ARE YOU SO AFRAID OF GERMS THIS ISN'T NORMAL'' and would drag me around until they ''medicated'' me.

When I was little, she made my dad turn the doorknob on my room around so they could lock me in when I got in trouble. I am high functioning autistic but I was never violent or anything, so there was no reason to lock me in my room. It was a nice room, but it was still a horrible event in my kid mind.

As I got older, she would always berate me for staying in my room, but when I finally left to go for a walk and talked to people she didn't like it. When I got back I told her I met a lady and talked with her. The woman told me I seemed nice, but when I told my mom she just said ''that's because she doesn't have to live with you.''

She would always say that I didn't eat with them, but on the rare occasion that she actually cooked, when I would sit down she would tell me that I should cut my hair and ''donate it to locks of love'' and get my step dad to join in. When I would get up and leave they would act like I was being irrational and she would ''joke'' that she was going to come in my room at night and cut it. My brother had long hair too, but they never said it to him.

Anytime I would cry or scream too loudly in my room my mom would come in my room to hit me and tell me to shut up.

Whenever my mom got tired of me, she'd make me go live with my dad, and when my dad got tired of me he's send me back to my mom's. When I was at my dad's house he'd have BPD episodes and horrid mood swings right out of The Shining. He chased me outside with a gun once. I don't even remember the event, my friend would just bring it up and I'd say ''I don't even remember.''

My mom loved comparing me to my dad. Whenever we would fight she would say ''you're just like your father'' but I've never chased anyone around with a gun.

I went to college for about a year before I had a mental breakdown and secretly stopped going. When I finally told her, she grabbed me by the hair and started punching me for wasting her money.

She and my step-dad would berate for not knowing how to do anything. ''You're x years old, you should know this by now!'' When I said she never taught me anything, she said ''school was supposed to teach you that.'' This woman is a school teacher.

I used to play the keyboard piano. Not great or anything like that, I couldn’t even read sheet music, but I used to play by ear for fun.

I had to stop playing because I developed severe rheumatoid arthritis that left my hands deformed and my fingers frozen in strange positions. It’s physically impossible for me to do so, and this is obvious to anyone who sees my hands.

Every Christmas, I always said that I don’t want anything. I said this everytime. I don’t like gifts from my mom or family because they’ve always acted like I was spoiled for even getting them. A few Christmases ago she told me ‘’I know you said you didn’t want anything, but I got you something.’’ I kept telling her to give it to someone else, but after days of the same conversation I finally opened it to shut her up. Of course, it was a keyboard piano. She smirked in a mocking way and said ‘’thought you’d like it.’’

I know this post is incoherent but it's because they scrambled my brain for years. There was another fucked up thing she did to me when I was little but I don't know about the legality of me posting it here.

After all of that, it feels bad having her be nice to me all of a sudden. Years ago I had cancer and even though I beat it I've been sick with an autoimmune disease ever since. Because of that, my legs are fucked up now so she drives me to doctor apointments.

Since I moved out, she's been a lot nicer. We've been getting along and she's been helping me with things and inviting me places. I am grateful, but it also feels dismissive and like nothing ever happened. And everybody around sees a mother caring for her fucked up adult child but only I know the truth.

[urmagicalgxrl]

i was without my meds for a week (not just the ADHD one, but the mega important bipolar ones) and my therapist said for the next week to just focus on regulating my emotions as best i can until the meds are back in my system and working again, but holy shit. i feel terrible. i don’t even wanna get up to eat. i don’t wanna eat period. i just feel entirely shitty, and anxious, and horrible. also there was an accident where the med order was fucked up again!! i was wondering why i ran out of meds so fast this time, and it turns out my psychiatrist ordered the wrong dosage. i’m supposed to take 600 mgs a day (2 pills morning and night, 150 mgs each, so 300 in the morning, 300 at night), but instead it was for 300 a day so i only got half the pills i need. idk how this happened because i’ve been on this dosage for two years and somehow she accidentally decreased it? jfc, because of that the cvs the prescription was sent to wouldn’t fill the prescription, because according to them i wasn’t supposed to run out this fast so my mom (i love her) had to pay $300 out of pocket for my meds. and again, these meds are the wrong prescription so i’m gonna run out again faster than before. also i get 3 bottles at a time usually, which means it was $100 a bottle without insurance. which leads me to: how tf am i gonna afford my medication when i’m off my moms insurance? i know she’d pay for them because she’s my mother and she knows i can’t go off the meds, but holy shit. with how much rent and utilities cost, how could there be money left over? and that’s not even including the other pills, plus inhalers!! society is fucked in the us when i need to pay $300 for necessary medication! my mental illness genuinely affects my day to day life severely when it’s not treated, i gained 50 pounds last year during a depressive episode that lasted like 8 months, and for some reason my brain decided to start making me show OCD tendencies in the last 6 months, so now we gotta get that under control. because of all this, now i have to focus more on therapeutic strategies, and have monthly med appointments. not to mention i get such bad mood swings i have to be watched whenever i’m off the meds, and sometimes new meds fuck with my mood disorder, and cause full breakdowns. so basically my brain just hates me, and i’m pissed at cvs.

[seiwas]

helloooo sel!!♡

I hope you had a wonderful day today or so far or about to!! and omg you’re majoring in psych😆?!?!? that’s so cool🤩 I have so much respect and love for your career choice🫶

and yes! the fact that things end amicably but it just opens up all kinds of doors and brings up more questions is like bonkers😭 and I agree, reading the trope is one thing but like how healthy can it be for both parties irl like idk😭

And if I were given another to be with him I… tbh I want to say yes that I would go for it, but I also want to say no because I feel weak if I were to cave in that easily LMAO😭 like you know how when reading the exes to lovers trope the two are always kinda like “no! we broke off for a reason, I can’t just go back to them! I have to stay strong!” I feel like I would kinda act like that because I don’t want to be swept up that easily….but then there are the scenes with these tropes that are like “this isn’t right, I can’t be with them! unless👀…” AND I FEEL LIKE I WOULD ALSO ACT THIS WAY🤦‍♀️ like if they’re charm starts sneaking it’s way into the conversation BYE IM GONE💀 I would go WEAK in the knees and fall HARD all over again💀 knee caps GONE🤦‍♀️ (of course this all depends on the fact that if he’s still the same person he was and he hasn’t like drastically changed and become a horrible person or something lol💀 but those are my current thoughts on this topic thank you for coming to my Ted talk🧍‍♀️)

and AW OMG THE WAY YOU SEE YOUR BF IS SO CUTE😭 like all the little things that you see in him and how you interpret them is wholesome🥹 like these characters are just the best and that fact that you see him with all of their best qualities is so endearing like🥹💖🫶😆

and the way he teases you is so funny too (like his teasing is definitely at a atsumu+gojo level lmao), like his eyebrows waggling and the looks like that’s so silly😂 and your relationship is so sweet like the way you guys can still be silly besties but also love one another is so amazing! I just always feel like relationships that have started on the foundation of a great friendship are always so beautiful🥹

And thank you! my day did go well! I actually had a psych class that I had to go to and my professor had started giving us a lecture on sleep stages and dreams so it was really interesting! afterward, I went to this random event that my school was doing with a friend and we got these free air brush shirts and they were pretty cool!

Also I hope you were satisfied with the way your cookies turned out and that it brought you some smiles🥹🫶you’ve also reminded that I’ve been wanting to do some Halloween themed cookies so thank you teehee!! ૮꒰˶ᵔ ᵕ ᵔ˶꒱ა

AND YES!! ALL THE IDEAS FROM KOI ARE SO GOOD LIKE🤯 koi’s really cooking it up and serving us WHOLE MEALS over here❤️‍🔥

I’ve actually recently picked up hq bc I started watching it for shits and giggles when all the depressing satosugu stuff was happening in the summer and people were talking about how hq is so wholesome and how others should start watching it now that jjk is about to go through an emotional roller coaster and then…well… I now have another love of my life🧎‍♀️whenever something bad starts happening in the anime or manga for jjk now I just sigh and open up a new tab to watch another episode of hq teehee🤭 (I was VERY happy when we all started talking about hq and jjk on here lol)

IM SORRY SEL I RAMBLED TOO MUCH THIS TIME😭 and I saw that you were wondering whether col had regressed ever since tell me about love and I swear to you it has not😭🫶💖 you’re writing is so beautiful sel like there are so many lines that you have written that feel so poetic to me like omg you’re amazing ₍ᐢ. .ᐢ₎ ₊˚⊹♡

I hope this weekend is treating you well tho sel🥺🫶💕

⭐️ anon!

hello ⭐️ anon!! welcome back 💓 so sweet of you to swing by!! 🥺

my day has been great so far! had an early start and was able to go to the gym after weeks of skipping!! (actually can't believe how much i missed it 🥹 starting smth again after stopping for a while can be so intimidating but i'm glad i pushed myself to do it!!) & i'm graduated already!! hehe but i'm glad you seem to like psych!! what's yours?

i agree!! an exes to lovers can be so messy if not done carefully 🤧 but i completely get what you mean abt not caving in!! but that's so true!! a lot of time has passed and both of you could be very different people!! and whether that compatibility is still there is a very valid thing to consider!! 🥹

and you're so cute nonie omg 😭 i think i describe him w these characters bc it's the only way i can paint a good picture of him for people on here to understand 🥹 but i'm giggling at how you find it wholesome 🥹 + yes!! omg his teasing rlly is at atsumu/gojo level 😭 he makes fun of me a lot too but it never goes too far 😭 like it's always up until the point that i'm still hiding a smile abt it 🥹 and i do love that abt our relationship too nonie!! that he's my bestfriend and bf in one!! i feel like this is why everything i write is a friends to lovers tbh 😭

ohhh!!! sleep stages and dreams is an interesting topic!! im glad you found it cool!! and the event you went to with your friend too!! im happy you enjoyed 💗

omg i just baked a batch after making it rest overnight and i think i messed smth up in the recipe 😭 it didn't turn out good 😭 but i guess it's bc i tinkered around w it so much 😭 i hope your halloween cookies turn out amazing tho!! ive been seeing a lot of snickerdoodle recipes on my youtube lately!!

YES shoutout to you koi @dear-koi omg you're doing god's work feeding the iwa nation over here 🥹

AND YOU PICKED UP HQ??? OMG THAT'S SO EXCITING!! TELL ME MOREEEE!! hq is really wholesome 😭 you only lose games not lives 😭 (but it's still pretty heartbreaking 😭 hq!! is my bf's fave anime and it made him cry like 2 times 😭😭😭) who are your faves so far?? and who's your team!!! aAAAH

and please don't apologise for rambling omg?? i think it's so sweet that you're continually dropping by to chat and share about your day!! 🥹 and oh gosh my ramblings omg you are so sweet for noticing and for coming in here to reassure me 🥺 i think i just think about it from time to time and worry about it ykno! but i'm glad that you feel that way 🥹 i appreciate it so much and am so touched that you still enjoy the way i've been writing the recent additions!!

i hope this weekend is amazing for you nonie, you are so incredibly sweet!

[luicifellt]

So I got some issues..

Emotional issues. This complicates communication greatly..

To try and explain my thoughts, and thought process to my new partner I decided to write some of it down. To help get him an idea.

Because I'm inept at explaining my feelings and emotions.

Beneath the read more will be a lot ... but I need to have it out somewhere. Maybe someone will read it.

I dont know what I hope to get out of this. But its fairly dramatic so ... someone might like to read it.

These are snippets of thought.

Sadness

Anxiety

Stress

Loneliness?

Self hatred

Self disgust

Can't do anything right

Won't finish what's started.

Anything created will be hated, and NOT good enough. At all times.

Am I toxic?

Do you love me? Yes?

I believe you..

But Why?

Not pretty, not talented, not smart.

Kinda phat.

Emotional but can't express it.

Depressive episodes and mood swings...

Females am I rite?

Why bother ?

Why would you pick this? There's better options.. hopefully.

Seems like a mistake to invest in me. Though I'm so happy you did pick me. Never thought I'd have a relationship.

So good to me... can't give anything back though. Its not enough.

Can't handle myself well. Will lash out..

Seems like a animal adoption form. Don't adopt me. I look soft, looks are deceiving.

No motivation hates Self for that

No inspiration hates Self for that

No dreams or aspirations hates Self for that

No hobbies doesn't do much hates Self for that

Probably the worst conversationalist. Only has about 5 witty bright and fun days where true humor truly shows (a year) hates Self for that.

Selfish! can't stand myself, but still want the nice things.

Egotistical hates Self 90% of the time the other 10% is spend on Self complimenting ???

Hates Self for that. Thanks brain.

Horrible body image. Hasn't realy looked at self more that absolutely necessary in 15 years. When mirror is used:  -10 don't recommend.

Uses self deprecating humor to feel better. Bad trait.

Can't control bad thoughts, let's it spiral like a junji ito story.

See! can be funny..is not enough though, is it.

Friend(s) will tire of this.

Got nothing to add to the group.

Can't (but should) find the energie and motivation to change that short term.

Long term probably not worth it. Tho Time will move anyway.. why have people waste it.

Fear of abandonment, fear of being left alone. Also weirdly craving it, to get it over with.

Convinced feelings can be turned off and broken. Maybe it should.

Who's kidding, sobbing mess in private! But can barely cry in company. Why. Nobody knows.  *ugly cryier

Should honestly, cry more... should cry more honestly. Shouldn't let it vester for months. But I will.

No fysical energy. No creative energy. Stuck In the limbo of adult life.

Gets envious of people that know how to express themselves and have dreams and can make art and spend their time productive. Hates Self for that.

Self hate trumps envy. Keeps me grounded.

Don't know where the balls to hold out like this come from.. weird episodes of righteous ideas on improvement and finding motivation to improve. Can and will not last longer than 5 to 7 business days.

Tried psychologic help. Makes head messier and can't express any thought or feeling without feeling like crying.. main reason to keep it in.

Why does it bother me? Will cry literally everytime, feelings need to be discussed. No one wants that... yes. I decided that, because I don't want that.

Convinced that whatever power the universe holds in its dark matter, it manifests as bad luck.. consistently.. Time and experience have proven this to me.

Maybe just pessimistic.

Definitely just pessimistic.

Good taste in music tho. Bit static perhaps.

Has grand ideas. Doesn't know how to express them. Dissapointing.

Will overthink most things. Takes pride in well thought out plans... overthinking still more a problem, than a benefit.

Loves deeply for a lot of things but can't invest in one thing. Took a long time to convince myself I could love. Inexperienced.

Wish I could do better for you. Wish I could like me more.

Has hope to get better with help. But the spirals... Make me tired.

Has thought about dying. Knows this is a no no. Been through this before at years 12 through to 18. Never again. Not like that.

Weight loss helped.... people around me, to behave normally.

With the exception of a few, people would be degrading, look down on me, find me disgusting.

What I later learned however is that its usually not okay to express these thing out loud, to the persons face... especially when underage.

except when you're fat apparently because people would... constantly, daily, even if they didn't know me. They'd still tell me in passing.. as if hearing it would change anything in that moment.

I have had people do double takes and track back so they could tell me I'm offensive to the eyes.

I wish i made that up to be dramatic.

I feel like I have lived 2 lives.

But the first one seems so far away. It's not just the "getting old" part, nor the nostalgia factor. I suspect I simply blocked out a lot of it. Memories have more gaps than I care to admit.

I grief over this often. Sounds dramatic, again... but its the truth. I feel like a big part of Self got lost in those years and I'll never find it again.

Regrets and heartbreak over small things seem, so big when you have a lot of them.

It hurts.

It hurts to look at all the stuff I possess and gathered over the years.

All the art supplies all the expensive materials. The tools, the airbrush, the paints and canvases. The clay, the silicone, the make up...

They mock me everytime I catch them gathering dust in the closet, or drawer. They take up endless amounts of space... but I can't get rid of it.. because, what if.. as if.

Not having these things hurts more...

I can write pretty decently. To bad everything written feels like a edgy YA novel. Dropped.

Reading used ro be a comfort.. now a pressure at the back of my head reminding me of how it USED to be. Reading now no longer an adventure, or practical pass time.

Feels like wasting time. ( and money)

Sometimes it feels like one more dissapointment away from running on empty.

No thoughts, head empty.

Sounds appealing. Where do you sign up.

Imagine being simultaneously most loved and taken care off by a partner, for the first time in your life... but also the most lost.

Feels like a disappointment.. one of many. How much more do I have, before it's to much for me, or the people around me.

Maybe i SHOULD write angsty YA novels.

Maybe not.

Wonder where the irrational thoughts and fits come from. Could it be trauma? Could it be drama? Maybe in another life I was a theatre kid after all.

Goals: be part of it, stop being a spectator.

Pick a personality that you like and stick with it. Be useful.

[wild-at-mind]

I think the thing that bothers me about the whole ‘should I stay on my meds’ question is how the option that means the least effort on my part is just staying on them forever.

i actually got the worry about this from a post written about trans healthcare, in which among some valid points the writer casually threw out that UK GPs precribe prozac readily, and it’s far more harmful than HRT. Prozac is what I’m taking. So i looked up some things about long term use and the main takeaway was: we don’t know. It might be harmful taken long term. And probably the best way to use SSRIs is to start taking them during the depressive episode, take them for a few years and then aim to wean off them.

 Pre-pandemic I was asked to go to medication reviews every few months, and they stopped that during the height of covid (understandable, hardly the priority), but it just never started again after. I haven’t spoken to a doctor about my medication for years. I know I should make that appointment, but with the 10 minute slots that’s all that’s allowed now it’s so awkward. (Really it’s more like 8 mins because of the changeover time needed.) In that length of time you really need a simple, easy to fix issue, not a long, metaphorical one, like should I come off the SSRIs? What’s best for my long term health? If I come off, how bad will the side effects me, and how should I gauge what I’m like mentally when I’m not on them? (I no longer remember my state of mind before I was on them, but I certainly still get low moods while on them so that wouldn’t be a useful gauge.)

Do they even keep working after so long? My mental health is certainly not in a good place right now, but it’s probably better overall than when I was on the last SSRI that wasn’t working. But can I mentally handle the withdrawal period? My life is stable and secure and it helps my mental health a tremendous amount, but last time I came off an SSRI it all went wrong. I needed a tonne of support from my mum and I don’t know if that would work again all these years late, things have changed a lot. I moved in with her but she does live with my dad and he now has mood swings and hoarding tendancies that he didn’t have back then.

Living alone is really, really good for me most of the time- it keeps my OCD in check as I know everything is as I left it, and it calms some of my anxiety around catching illnesses from other people. I absolutely know it’s a privilege to be able to afford to live alone and be capable of doing so. But when it comes to loneliness, I will never feel more alone as when I face down the possibility of coming off SSRIs. My partner lives far too far away to just pop in and visit. Maybe I would feel bad anyway, if he was here- the relentless insomnia is worse if you know you’re also disturbing someone else when you get up and turn on the light. When I was coming off citalophram, we had a number of serious fights that looking back on I can’t even quite remember how bad it was. But I know about it because I wrote about it on an anonymous forum I was using at the time. I can’t imagine our relationship going there as we are now (very happy), but if I came off a medication it could happen. It was so shit back then, I would wake up the next morning and he’d be upset about a way I spoke to him the night before and I didn’t even rememeber what I had done. It was horrible.

My mum is also taking SSRIs longterm so I talked to her about it earlier this evening and turns out she also worries about this issue. She agrees I should just go to the GP already, but also said brightly ‘well at least our areas are well off enough to still have GPs! In some parts of the country they can’t even get GPs to work there any more!’ I feel like it just hit me really badly because it made me feel like she was telling me I was a spoilt brat who should just be grateful and it could be so much worse. I know she wasn’t actually telling me that but it got to me. Because I think with the NHS, especially under so many years of Tory cuts, you can get into a place of feeling like you had better not use it too much. Even more so when they had to limit everything so much during the pandemic, and there are still a few restrictions in place even now, and it encouraged people to only go in if it was really, really important. And now it’s very easy to tell yourself your problem actually isn’t that important, if it’s not an acute issue. It would be so much better, I tell myself, if I don’t bother the GPs and just keep going like I am, for another 5 years perhaps. Having an appointment system that is free but everything is so limited in resources, it’s easy to get yourself thinking that maybe you’d better save those appointments for someone who really needs them, and not your uncertain ramblings about coming of SSRIs and future health.

Long story short, that’s why I don’t know what to do.

[uncomfortablymisspoken]

Feeling uncomfortable.

I don’t know how many people will have an interest in reading my little blog on this space on the internet.

But my intention is literally to write about things to make you feel uncomfortable.

I recently found out I most likely have ADHD.

Along with a million other diagnoses.

But that one just really hit the nail on the head for me.

I found this out just yesterday on my visit to the neurologist and telling her about the not being able to focus much and spacing out. And she told me, “That sounds like ADHD.”

I need to get tested first, but I’m doing research, the difference between women with ADHD, which I found interesting was that we don’t get hyper. Only males get the hyperactivity. Females tend to get depressed, mood swings, anxiety, etc.

So, who knows how long I’ve had it, and how long all of this could have been able to be handled from the start.

I’m actually pretty bitter about it. (Females... We get all the fun stuff. AmIRight?)

My entire life I’ve been distracted. I never wanted to listen to anyone and I wanted to live inside my own little world.

I did horribly in school because I just couldn’t focus, and my family was always frustrated with me because they always thought I was never listening on purpose.

They thought I just purposely wanted to piss them off out of spite, or pretended I was stupid to get out of things.

I have pretty bad depression. And recently I’ve been experiencing some pretty intolerable panic attacks to the point where I feel like I’m dying.

My stress at one point was so bad my brain just decided to click off go into body spasms.

Having seizures changed my life forever.

I don’t remember my seizures personally because each time I would have one it was like a black out. And then I would wake up on the ground and someone would be shaking me, telling me an ambulance was on its way. My mom explained to me how it looked. and from how she explained it, it sounded a lot like I turned into Regan from the exorcist. My arm and jaw distorts, and I make strange noises and everything.

Some people are unfortunate enough to get ten or more seizures a day. And the extremely unlucky ones can have as many as every minute, or every ten seconds.

When I was told I had epilepsy (because I had more than one episode) Doctors pretty much put the fear of God into me about how I was going to hurt people if I tried to get behind a wheel, or even thought about gaining some independence at the age I was supposed to be experiencing things.

Instead, my depression just got worse and worse as I isolated myself for my “protection”.

Your twenties are the time to have fun and sex and drink and have friends.

I just got more emotionally sick by the day, and wondered if I would even make it to my 30’s.

I kept telling myself “If this doesn’t happen by 30 I’m killing myself.”

I made a lot of promises to end my life back then because I just felt like there was no reason to live. I felt like I just took up space and that was it- I am 30 now. And 2 of those promises still haven’t happened yet.

At this point it’s better to have the mindset of “There are much worse things in life than not achieving this. This is a dumb reason to want to completely end your life over.” Especially when there are so many out there who don’t get the choice whether they get to live another day or not.

At one point I accidentally became bulimic.

My anxiety was at a full time high and any time I tried to eat something I would puke so hard my throat stung and bled a little.

I was down to 102lbs. And my height is barely 5’1. (It was extremely uncomfortable when people would compliment me on my new size. And asking me “How I did it!”)

Living off of Gatorade isn’t that much fun- and my heart goes out to all those who suffer with body dysmorphia.

You do NOT have to go to such extreme lengths like starving yourself or making yourself ill in order to feel like you belong in todays beauty standards.

Being that sick was PAINFUL.

At that point I was just kind of in a fog.

Taking whatever meds my doctors gave me.

“Take this for your depression” “Take this gif your seizures” “Take this for your anxiety” “Take this because I say so.”

And I just took whatever was given to me. I didn’t really care because again; I wanted to die and I planned to eat them all at once like a bowl of cereal. I just needed to decide when to do it. Most days I just decided to sleep it off instead. If I wasn’t here, it was just better.

At this time I’d like to remind anyone if you're feeling suicidal please think about your actions and if what you are upset about REALLY IS worth killing yourself over.

I don’t like when people say “Suicide is selfish.” Because it’s not.

If anything, you calling them selfish for contemplating suicidal thoughts or actions will drive them right to it.

Just like every other time, chances are the individual will think “You are right. I’ll leave. You won’t have to deal with me anymore.”

And that is what drives that individual to act.

You are the one who is selfish who is taking your anger out on a mentally ill person who clearly needs help. And instead, you continue to put them down.

Talking about suicide is never something someone jokes about.

If your friend says “it’s my dark humor”, you need to check on them and not let it go.

Being inside the mind of a suicide survivor, (twice) believe me I know this.

Are you uncomfortable yet?

Being mentally unstable and having trouble trying to get help is EXTREMELY common these days.

But so many people still just won’t get help in fear of weakness or what their doctor might have to say to them.

I hope you aren’t too uncomfortable.

And I promise it won’t always be this dark.

I figured it would be good to show you the dark side first before getting into the dark humor; which the audience in my head thinks is hilarious, btw.

I’m off to watch some horror- and in the meantime, I’ll be thinking of other things to include here as well because I like interaction when I write.

Thank you for reading 🌹

[briamichellewrites]

94

Jennifer was a scapegoat. To Jayde, she was justified in hating her since it was her fault Brad was in rehab. Why? Because he had been doing great until she appeared out of nowhere. Was she still convinced she was stalking her? Yes, she was. She still didn’t know how she knew where they were. Even if she just happened to be in the neighborhood, she made him have a mental breakdown. It had been a week of ups and downs regarding Brad. She wanted to break up with him.

She wanted to stay with him. It was exhausting. She was all over the place with her mood swings and it was hard to keep up. Though, they gave her credit for trying to communicate what she wanted or needed without blowing up at them. Whenever she got angry with them, she felt horrible and it caused her to spiral into depression. Until they forgave her. Then, she could start forgiving herself.

She was photographed partying with Adrien at a Hollywood party. It wasn’t anything scandalous. The pictures just showed them sitting together and talking like old friends. He had missed her and was delighted she was there. If she didn’t have a boyfriend, he would invite her back to his hotel to hook up. But, she was dating Brad Pitt and he didn’t want to get on his bad side. She looked as beautiful as he remembered her when she walked over to him in an Alexander McQueen draped crystal-embellished gown.

The dress had crystals embellished on the straps and waistband. It cost her seventy-six hundred dollars. Her beautiful hair was washed and then brushed because she didn’t want to fuss over it. He hugged her before they sat down together with their drinks.

jayjoinsta: Loves how the media makes shit up. Adrien texted me to ask if I would be at the party and I replied that I was. We planned to meet up since we hadn’t seen each other in years. Nothing happened! We talked and hung out but he did not come home with me! Don’t believe shit unless I announce it! This is why I’m content with staying in hiding because nobody can make shit up. “You need me. I don’t need you” – Ed Sheeran.

With her post, she added a screenshot of TMZ making up a story that they had made out at the party and then were seen leaving together to hook up. Everyone commented that they believed her. She was in love and committed to Brad. Why would she mess that up? They decided to brush it off as her having another episode. Maybe things would get better for her after Brad was done with rehab.

Matthew, hoping to distract her, fulfilled his promise to introduce her to his best friend, Woody Harrelson. She met them at a restaurant specifically chosen to accommodate her gluten sensitivity disorder. When she arrived, she had on white overalls with a LEGALIZE MARINARA shirt underneath, a red and black checkered flannel, and white slip-on tennis shoes. He got up and hugged her before introducing her to Woody. She shook his hand. It’s nice to finally meet you! She then walked around to the other side of the table and sat down.

What did her shirt say? She told them then pulled up a picture of it on her phone. It had been ordered by her during one of her depression episodes because she thought it was funny. They also found humor in it. The shirt was only twenty-three dollars, with tax and shipping. Matthew mentioned how he had been contacted by Brad about doing a movie about her.

“Yeah, his idea is to do a movie about my drug addiction, so he’s talking to everyone. We were going over ideas while en route to Paris and I mentioned that if it had you guys, it would most likely be a Stoner comedy.”

They laughed.

“I taught you well. What kind of movie will yours be?”

“I’m thinking it’s going to be a drama. I told him not to water it down. I want him to show everything from experimenting, lying to friends, getting arrested, abuse, everything.”

“How long was your addiction”, Woody asked.

“I was addicted to heroin for three years, while also using cocaine and pills.”

Woody knew about addiction and drugs. He had compassion for her. She didn’t have track marks. That was explained by her hiding marks on her foot. She was arrested for possession, a DUI while under the influence of heroin, and a public intoxication charge with another possession of heroin. It was her DUI charge that finally slapped her across the face. She had gone to rehab twice before but she was finally done with drugs and was exhausted, so she took a deal where she spent twelve months in rehab and then twelve months of probation.

Good for her. Heroin was one of the most difficult drugs to get sober on. Was she still kicking Leo’s ass? Every fucking time. They laughed. She then told him about the pillow Margot sent her. He saw that on her Instagram! Has he seen it? Yeah, she showed him it the day before when he came over. He thought it was weird. What pillow was it?

“Margot Robbie sent me a pillow with Leo as Jack Dawson on it. It’s literally a picture of his face on eighteen an eighteen-inch pillow. I had it on her bed for a while but then I moved t to my couch because I usually toss my pillows on the floor before I go to bed.”

When they ordered, she got gluten-free ramen. The waiter asked if she had gluten sensitivity. Yes, she did. He would make sure the kitchen knew that. Thank you. Woody, with no intention of being rude, asked if she doing a new fad diet. No, she had celiac disease. She didn’t do diets because she was already limited on what she could eat and she didn’t want to limit herself more. They both thought that was fair.

Woody was enjoying his time with her. She was authentic and not part of the entitled crowd that he saw with her generation in Hollywood. Matthew had given him some background information on her. She had been in the industry since she was eleven and had gone through a rough time with drugs. He had met her through Leo, who regarded her as his little sister. They were close friends and he was protective of her, though lovingly.

jayjoinsta: “You should meet @woodyharrelson! He’s crazy!” – Matthew. Spends over an hour with him. Finds out he’s one of the most chill guys ever. Anyway, it was one of the most fun afternoons I’ve had for a while! Thank you to @officiallymccounaughey for inviting me to lunch. We should do it again. The ramen was delicious and the company was lovely.

They were both happy she had fun! She posted a picture of the three of them and he sent a screenshot of it to Woody. He was aware she was following him and he had returned the favor, even though he didn’t check his account often. When he saw the screenshot, he went to her account and read through the comments. Her friends were mostly asking her how she was doing and what restaurant they had gone to. She replied that she was still trying to balance her moods.

jayjoinsta: It’s minute by minute. I’m going to go visit BP because that was recommended by my therapist. My BPD is fucking with my paranoia and psychosis. I think once I see him, my mind will be able to relax because my anxiety has also been bad. Long story short, my mental health is a shit show right now. @gavindegraw

@zoeykaytesmom @feelingsofaithless @jovichic-bonjovi4ever @borhap-au @beneathashadytree @duffs-shot-glass @geo-winchester @lokolokong-manunulat

[dmumt]

Omg about that burnout post, I took like a 3 week break from the beginning of may, after my semester ended, and like I feel so guilty about it? Like I shouldn't be relaxing because I'm one summer semester away from graduating and have no idea what to do afterwards, but I've been so exhausted the entire year, yet everyone around me makes me feel irresponsible or like I'm wasting time by taking a break??? It's such an awful feeling. In conclusion: I hate capitalism

im proud of you for taking a break - you deserved it, you worked hard and your mind and body clearly needed a break. i definitely understand the feelings of guilt though, but listening to your body when it feels tired and giving yourself time to rest is NEVER wasted time. if anything, it prevents wasted time, because if you can rest properly you won't spend weeks having to pick up the pieces when you've pushed through those feelings of exhaustion only to reach your breaking point. taking breaks is good. relaxing is good. it's necessary. just as vital as eating and sleeping and breathing. taking care of your own health and happiness is never irresponsible, and it's sad that something so obvious is still so controversial in our society. i'm 100% with you on hating capitalism. we can't take time off to heal without pressure from others. we can't do anything without feeling as though we need to be striving for more, to be better. we can't even do recreational hobbies without feeling as though we need to somehow make money from it or compete with others. it should be enough to just be, to just exist. what is life without time to relax? we always get told that we should work hard now so we can enjoy life later, but what's the point if later never arrives?

i'm sorry that you've been so exhausted, and i'm sorry that you feel guilty for trying to take care of yourself. i know that nothing i can say will really help, but i hope there is a time (hopefully soon) where you can really properly rest and those feelings of exhaustion can be lifted off your shoulders. i also want to say that it's okay to not know what your future holds. you can have everything planned out to the last detail but still not have things work out in your favour. similarly, you can not plan anything and have things work out for you. life works in mysterious ways, and sometimes we have to just let the world take us wherever it wants, because in the end, everything will fall into place. all i'd say is follow your heart and go with what feels right for you. other people can say whatever they want (just like how they said you wasted time when you were doing what you needed to) but only you truly know what works for you. i'm really proud of you, and i'm rooting for you. don't be afraid to days off here and there when you feel like you need it, you deserve it anon <3

[living-with-pmd]

11 Women With PMDD Share What It's Really Like

Premenstrual dysphoric disorder is the evil cousin of PMS. They share the same types of symptoms—moodiness, increased hunger, cravings, fatigue, cramps, pain, brain fog, and depression, among others—but for PMDD sufferers, those symptoms get so bad they can cripple a woman's ability to lead a normal life.  

While up to 85 percent of women get PMS, according to the US Department of Health, only about 5 percent of women experience PMDD, according to the American Journal of Psychiatry.

We asked women with PMDD what it's really like living with the disorder. Here are their stories:

"I was diagnosed with PMDD last summer. Six months prior to my diagnosis, I started taking a certain birth control and soon every month I was experiencing severe PMS issues. I am a generally happy person, but during those few days I was someone entirely different. I was extremely depressed and anxious, having much more frequent panic attacks, and was super sensitive and lonely. I was even suicidal, which was terrifying. And the worst part was I was convinced that I had always been this miserable, and that I would always be this miserable, and it was never going to change. It felt as if someone had completely burned out the light in me and all happiness and joy and hope was gone. I didn't make the connection that it was related to my period but thankfully a close friend did. I have since switched birth control, which helped a lot, and increased the dosage of my anti-anxiety and anti-depressant meds. Most importantly, I am aware of the way I feel those few days so I know to expect it, and I can logically remind myself that I will stop feeling that way soon. Looking back, I realize that I've probably always had pretty bad PMS or PMDD. The birth control worsened it but it was also causing a lot of issues I wasn't aware of previously as well." —Katherine H., 22, Edmonds, WA

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"PMDD is out of control. I cry really easily for about a week. My biggest issue is that I am convinced that I am failing at everything—being a wife, a mom, work projects, fitness, my whole life! And even though it feels so real I constantly have to question if my feelings are valid or if they are amplified by my cycle. I just set an alert in my phone to remind me to consider my hormones the next time I feel that way." —Krysten B., 32, Toronto, CA

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"A week before my period, I become a complete psycho, completely unlike myself. I'm tearful, want to eat everything that's sweet or salty, have absolutely no tolerance for anything other than perfection, and prefer to be left completely alone. I already take an antidepressant but my PMDD was a complete nightmare so my doctor gave me Prozac to take for just 10 days a month. Basically, I start it when I start to get that irrational feeling and keeping taking it until my period starts. And that's just the emotional stuff. On the physical side, I have debilitating cramps, backaches, and headaches that last for days. Yep. I'm a peach." —Kristen L., 40, Knoxville, TN

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"In the past, PMDD almost made me suicidal and totally broke my spirit. Yes it wasthat bad. Every month. Eventually I got tired of being a 'crazy PMS woman' and decided I needed to fix this. Since I don't like to take pharmaceuticals, I branched out to homeopathic remedies and I discovered St. John's Wort and essential oils, especially clary sage and Doterra Calm-Its. It's a lot better now but I still have my hard days." —Amy S., 43, Zebulon, NC

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"My PMDD got so bad I had to go to a psychiatrist and be put on Prozac along with another antidepressant I was already taking. I was a mess—anxious, crying randomly over the smallest thing, and eating everything in sight. One example is someone made a YouTube mashup of the Age of Ultron trailers with Pinocchio footage and the 'I've got no strings on me' song and that wrecked me for weeks. Every time I thought about scenes from Pinocchio I would start panicking and crying at my work desk. It's been a few years and I'm better now. I'm off birth control and weening myself off the Prozac. I notice a week before my period I will sob during any sad part in a movie or book I'm reading, and a day or two before, I notice I'm more likely to be anxious." —Kate W., 36, Alaska

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"This has impacted my ability to work effectively. My pet peeve is when people say 'it must be close to your time of the month' when they simply don't like what I'm saying. I have run into that problem a lot at previous jobs and it makes it really hard to be taken seriously. It's bullshit because my feelings are valid regardless and also PMDD is not a joke. I am so lucky now to have a male boss who understands but it wasn't always that way. I have also have found a lot of relief with naturopathic and herbal remedies." —Amalia F., 28, Vancouver, Canada

———————————

"My PMS was tolerable until my second child was born and then everything went off the rails. I'd be looking forward to plans with others, happy, and then about 10 to 14 days before my flow would start, my mood would turn on a dime. I'd be horrible—crying, screaming that ~nobody understands~, just so much emotional pain. I'd basically lock myself up in the bedroom for a full day to cry, get angry, and feel sorry for myself. It took three doctors before I finally found one who would listen to me before I was finally diagnosed with PMDD. I took Prozac for three years for it but it made me feel numb, like a zombie and not like myself. So I quit and my family just deals with me now. As I've gotten closer to menopause the PMDD is not as bad, but can be very unpredictable due to hormonal swings from perimenopause. The worst part now is I feel like my friendships have suffered. I always seem to have episodes around major holidays and events and I end up bumming everyone out if I do show up so I end up staying home a lot." —Colleen T., 50, St. Paul, MN

———————————

"I'm overly emotional for the week before my period. Saying that makes it sound like it's not that bad but I get so distraught that my fiance has actually scheduled it in his phone as 'blood sport' to remind himself what's coming. I'm thankful that he's patient because I also feel like everyone hates me that week, too." —Kenlie T., 36, New Orleans, LA

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"All month long I'm fine and feel even and calm and then suddenly, the week before my period, I can't handle even the tiniest little thing. My irritability goes through the roof (which is not great since I have a 5-year-old) and I feel like I have no friends. It really makes me sad." —Jessica S., 28, Broomfield, CO

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"I know my period is coming because all of a sudden all of my joints hurt, especially my knees and ankles. I also get crazy gnarly cramps and once I even had a cyst that ruptured while I was on a date and the guy had to take me to the hospital! It was so embarrassing. Thankfully my husband now is very understanding when this time rolls around each month. The worst part is people who just think I make this stuff up. Some months are better than others and sometimes the pain is completely debilitating! My emotions are also a rollercoaster. Anytime I see something cute or inspiring, I burst into tears." —Ivie C., 21, Rexburg, ID

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"My PMDD manifests in both mental and physical symptoms. From the time I got my period at age 12, I've had extreme cramps and heavy bleeding. I'd leak at school through a super maxi pad every class so I'd tie sweatshirts around my waist and have to scrub my clothes when I got home. It was super humiliating. I'd have to take six to eight ibuprofen at a time to deal with cramps, and if I didn't I'd end up on the floor sweating like I had the flu. Sometimes I'd even throw up. This meant I ended up spending a lot of time sick in bathrooms and knew where every restroom was at all times. Birth control helped manage the PMDD and other issues, but as soon as I was done having kids, I had a hysterectomy. That was the best thing I've ever done." —Mandy P., 39, Mendon, UT

https://www.womenshealthmag.com/health/a19972132/premenstrual-dysphoric-disorder/

[popculturebuffet]

Goof Week: House of Mouse: Super Goof or Wish I Could Fly Like Super Goof (Patreon Review for WeirdKev27)

+

Hello all you happy gorshers and welcome back to Goof Week, my week long celebration of Goofy’s 89th Birthday. And today I take my once a month trip down to the house of mouse as part of my patron kev’s yearlong celebration of the show’s 20th anniversary. And since I had this theme week in mind I asked him if it’d be okay if he strictly randomized goofy episodes, he said yes and here we are. 

Luck was on my side as I got what I remembered was one of my faviorite episodes of the show. But before I can get if it lived up to the hype or not a brief word on Super Goof. 

Super Goof is actually from the comics, first debuting in a story where Goofy thought he had super powers and fought the Phantom Blot in a cowboy hat. 

This concept was a hit so in 1965 Goofy was made a superhero for real with Super Goof #1. This dosen’t suprise me: this was the height of the silver age: The Lee and Kirby age of Marvel was in full swing and DC was still doing gangbusters. So there was market for a superhero spoof comic starring one of Disney’s best and brightest characters, who was given a bunch of super peanuts called super goobers to give him superman powers.  What DOES surprise me is the series lasted 74 issues from 65-84. And what’s more insane and wonderful? It didn’t get canceled because of low sales or anything. That was simply when Gold Key shut down... and Gold Key was FOUNDED three years before it meaning this book lasted the company’s ENTIRE lifespan. I’ll say that again, a book about goofy eating peanuts that started because of a story where goofy thought he was a superhero and fought a cowboy phantom blot, lasted 74 issues and only ended because the publisher shut down. That... is one of the most amazing things I have ever heard in my life. I’m genuinely impressed... this isn’t even a bad concept, I likes it and wish Disney would give it a full series. Farmer could do wonders with it. I’m just amazed that this odball little comic took off like it did. And as one final fun fact much like Superman, Super Goof set off the trend of Disney’s classic characters becoming heroes, with Donald’s own Papernik/Duck Avenger following in his footsteps. I REALLY want a Disney Superhero Verse in animatoin now, I know there was a mini series like that. And I will have to visit these comics at some point I just simply didn’t have room in the week with a movie review tomorrow. . 

So with all that out of the way how does Super Goof do on screen and does the episode hold up? Join me under the cut to find out. 

As usual for HOM I’ll be doing the shorts and overarching story seperate soooo

How To To Take Care of Your Yard:

Look anyone whose read my stuff or even just my goofy shorts special  will know how much I love the How To Shorts and how this series is responsible. This admittedly isn’t one of the BEST of them.. but it’s still fun to watch. Even a forgettable How To Short is still GOOD. It’s abotu Goofy taking care of his yard over the four seasons and has some decent gags but nothing really standout.  I Honestly DO wish I had more to say but this one’s just okay and it woudln’t stick out as much if both the wraparound and the other short weren’t so spectacular. Speaking of which. 

Locksmiths: This is one of the few shorts I VIVIDLY remembered from childhood and for damn good reason. This is THE best short i’ve seen so far for House of Mouse this year and for good reason. The premise is simple enough: The Golden Trio are locksmiths.. who end up getting locked inside their own office just after Minnie calls with something urgent to tell them. 

The results are comic gold, with the standout bits being Goofy’s keys which is just such a wonderful hurricane of puns with some great visual gags to start it off that I can’t help but love it

There’s TONS of other good stuff too: The boys fishing for the key, Mickey opening a ton of doors in a sequence MST3K would be proud of and the finale with the boys falling out the office. This is a true , hilarious classic and my words can’t really do it justice. Seek this one out on it’s own or in the episode you will not regret it. A true classic for Disney Shorts period. 

Super Goof:

So onto the main story. Goofy asks Clarabelle out and she’s not only incredibly receptive but simply asks to check her schedule.. which he interprets as no.  I would make a joke here but i’ts clear from previous episodes HOM goofy has Low Self Esteem: he was utterly crushed not having a valentine and by his friends all wishing he could be less Goofy. So him overreacting like this is in character and comes off as endearing: it’s not that he thinks so low of her he’d think sh’ed pull something like this.. it’s that he’s so doubtful of someone liking him for who he is deep down he self sabotages something I can PAINFULLY relate to as that’s one of my biggest personal issues hands down. 

So outside presumably on break...

Not THAT kind of break. Though since I bring it up: they both were wrong. They WERE on a break, and it was wrong of tweedle dee and tweedle dum there to keep needling it ESPECIALLY since their the ones who TOLD HIM to hide his sleeping with the waitress and took NO responsibility for that. Rachel treating it like an affair constantly when she’s the one who wanted space and didn’t give him any paramerters for said is fucking terrible. It’s telling that in the reunion trailer everyone but Matthew LeBlanc, who was clearly just having some fun agreed they were.  That being said Ross still slept with someone five seconds after being on said break, still listneed to the two of them on hiding it when it was a bad idea, and STILL caused said break by being a clingy asshole to such a degree even his previous history of being cheated on does not justify or excuse how badly he treated Rachel. What i’m saying is they both sucked, and thus deserved each other, and by the end NEITHER was remotely likeable, with both having done terrible things both in said will they or won’t they hellscape and outside it, with Ross dating a student and Rachel dating her assistant. 

Anyways after that thing I clearly needed to get off my chest, we get a narration informing us a METEOR IS COMING and it strikes the peanuts Goofy’s depression snacking on, as a result he becomes SUPER GOOF! And after a display of his powers with various disney characters (finding Gepetto and Pinocchio in a whale, saving the dalmations from cruella , lifting the giant from the littlest tailor) and finds he has a narrator. No really Goofy notices and is not happy about it despite all superheros having one. I mean he’s not wrong, look what the X-Men’s did to  Cyclops:

But regardless he has him and Goofy flies through the air with the quickest of ease through the house of mouse impressing everyone who has no idea he’s goofy. This gag is a carry over from the comics and a transparent parody of the superman clark kent thing. But it works because Goofy still uses his name in costume, still has his hat and really changes nothing about his appearance. It’s simple but sometimes you just need a very simple gag to work and overxplaning it spoils the whole thing. Trust me I know as a certified experinced fuck up. 

So after the first cartoon Super Goofy guest stars, and we get some neat gags with the disney movie characters, though my faviorite is Peter Pan’s reactoin of “He Can fly he can fly he can fly, big deal. Anyone can do that”. It’s both perfectly in character and utterly hilarious. 

Goofy however starts to feel disheartneed as everyone compliments him.. and Minnie says he’s better than a regular goofy as do the others minus Mickey because he’s a good egg. And Clarabelle but he misinertperts her like of super goof as her liking him better as that. 

So fed up with everyone liking him better, Goofy throws away the peanuts, which he kept in his hat.. though one did fall in his waiter’s uniform. Remember that. The narrator questions if this is really the end and what if there’s peril but Goofy’s stubbornly instiant he won’t do it no matter what. 

Cue the what: another MUCH LARGER metor heading straight for Mainstreet

Goofy refuses to summon super goof despite the danger... Mickey has an apt response for him

This is the one scene I don’t really like: Goofy has a righ tto be upset they all prefer someone who just showed up hours ago over him, especially beceause it IS him, to the point Daisy was upset she got a picture of goofy instead of super goofy because J Jonah Jameson’s not going to pay for pictures of his next door neighbor. But Mickey has a right to not want to die horribly in a cataclysm of fire. 

So Goofy mopes off like his son to go save the world, fine whatever. Only as is cartoon law, the trash has been picked up meaning he dosen’t have any goobers.. except the CHEKOVS GOOBER. With it he chews it, flies up and has a truly impressive display holding it back while it’s just over clarabelle before dispoising of it. he hits on her in super form but she says she already has  date with regular goofy. Goofy’s confidence is restored, he’s probably getting laid tonight and we close on a Mike add for a school for Goofy’s. How much is tution.. asking for a me. 

Final Thoughts: This wraparound was great, a few small flaws but it has a great, engaging charcter driven story with some delightfully silly jokes that are right up my ally. It’s easy to see besides my love of superheroes why this one stood out to me: It’s funny, heartwrenching and stars one of my faviorite character.

The shorts are also good, one that’s okay , a bit too long but not bad, and one that’s an utter masterpiece. In fact the only reason the first short feels so long is you really want to get back to the main plot fast,  and that’s not a bad problem to have. This was an excellen tepisode and I recommend seeing it out. 

Before I get to my whole patreon speil, i’d like to say that House of Mouse STILL is not avaliable on Disney+ for reasons that haven’t been made clear. As such it’s on my Not Streaming List, a list I keep and update reguarly of shows that SHOULD be streaming on a particular service and have no clear reason NOT to be such as musical rights issues like the ones likely keeping shows like Drew Carrey, Northern Exposure and Murphy Brown off streaming. So check that out if your curious, link is on my main page and hit me up if you have any suggestoins for it. 

So thank you for reading and if you liked this review give it a like and consider joining my patreon at patreon.com/popculturebuffet. As a patron you’d get access to exclusive reviews, the patreon’s discord and to pick a short each time I do one of these shortstaculars. Donald’s comnig next month and the deadline is in only a few days to join up for said month so the clock is ticking. Even a dollar a month helps me reach my stretch goals so please i fyou can sign up today and if not, I understand and i’ll see you at the next rainbow

[actualbird]

nobody asked but here are my personal top five pat gill videos | a 2.1k word long post where i rank and review pat gill’s videos for just way too long.

Right around the tail end of April, 2020, I fell into the rabbit hole of my current obsession; Polygon Dot Com Video Content. As a consequence of this was being introduced to the phenomenon of Pat Gill. A dire consequence of that consequence was me slowly, deeply, irrevocably, finding myself attracted to this marionette of a man. So, I enjoy his content and I think he’s hot and that combined with the fact that some of my friends bully me over that latter fact has inspired me to do this: rank my personal favorite Pat Gill videos in a post that’s entirely too long.

Before I get straight into the rankings, I need to explain my process. 

First, I needed to narrow my scope. Polygon has a lot of videos. Polygon has a lot of videos with Pat Gill in them. If I didn’t narrow my scope, I would either go bonkers yonkers or have a list that would be kilometric in length and thus miss the entire point of ranking altogether. So, for my sanity, I am excluding any videos that are a part of a Polygon video series. This means no Overboard, no Gill and Gilbert, no Video Game Theatre, etc. If I included these, I would cry. I do not want to cry over Polygon Dot Com Video Producer Pat Gill.

Second, I need a criteria. If I just ranked videos with no system, I would find myself endlessly rearranging my list based on whatever thought comes out on top in my mind at the given moment. I am a disorganized person, so I need rules. I have decided that I will rank Pat Gill videos using the EEEH criteria. 

Entertainment. Do I smile, watching the video? Do I chortle? Am I filled with the embarrassing urge to show this video to my sister and derive glee from her laughing at the exact same moment I laughed? Entertainment is key.

Education. Did I come out of this video knowing something I originally did not know? More importantly, was I engaged in the learning process? I come from a family of teachers, so I have high standards when it comes to education. If I am to learn, I must learn well.

Exaltation. This is a bit of an oddball criteria, but it is important to me. The word “exalted” is defined as “elevated in rank, character, or status.” This criteria refers to how good it is at exalting, elevating, pulling me out of a depressive episode. That is to say I’ve been in a depressive episode for the past month and whether or not the video made me stop crying and brush my teeth is essential. Polygon video content has been integral to my serotonin production lately, and thus the video’s ability of acting as an audiovisual antidepressant for me factors into the rankings.

[BONUS POINTS] Hotness. How Hot Is Pat Gill In It? I felt bad, morally, ranking videos based on how good looking I thought Pat Gill was in it---because beauty is in the eye of the beholder, and all that, and people don’t exist to be beautiful, they just are, and I agree---so I’m relegating this criteria as a bonus point. Standard is 0, because he’s always hot in my mind, but he gets plus points if he is exemplary in the hotness department.

The maximum score for each of these criteria is 5 points, making the perfect score a 15, but because of the bonus points, a 20 is, hypothetically, possible. 

With that out of the way, let me dive right into it. 

5. The fastest interview ever with Ben Schwartz from Sonic the Hedgehog

Entertainment: 5 Education: 2 Exaltation: 2 Hotness: +2 Total Score: 11

Pat Gill is a good interviewer, he’s engaging and fun and keeps the interview interesting, but this interview is particularly special because it seems that, and let me quote Youtube user AudreyN who left a comment on this video stating “ben schwartz consumed all seven chaos emeralds prior to this interview.” Pat Gill and Ben Schwartz’s dynamic is amazing, and by “dynamic” I do mean “Ben Schwartz absolutely just fucking dunking on Pat Gill for 14 entire minutes.” and it is glorious.

For Entertainment this scores a solid 5. Quite honestly the funniest interview I’ve ever watched in my entire life. Just the sheer beauty in the exchange [Pat] “You would use Sonic’s power to gaslight me?” [Ben] “Just you.” In terms of Education, I guess I did learn a bunch of things about the Sonic movie that I didn’t know before, but the avenue by which it was portrayed in was not exactly the most engaging, more like I was absorbing it via watching two experts discuss on a webinar. I would have given just 1 point to Education but I made it 2 because of the wonderful knowledge that Pat Gill can draw a pretty good Sonic in a few seconds. When it comes to Exaltation, I must admit that while this video got quite a few laughs out of me, it didn’t make me want to get out of bed and take a shower. 

BONUS: Pat is +2 hot in it. His short hair makes him look very handsome. He’s a spiffy boy, in this video. Very, very good.  

4. Pat Will Not Tweet at Nintendo This Week Because He is Resting at Home — PLEASE RETWEET, Episode 12 

Entertainment: 5 Education: 0 Exaltation: 5 Hotness: +1 Total Score: 11

I know I’m breaking a rule I set for myself a few paragraphs earlier by including an episode of Please Retweet, which counts as a video series, but this is my post and I can do whatever I want. More importantly, this video is so fucking funny to me, it feels like it would be a crime not to put it in this list. 

Solid 5 out of 5 for entertainment. Pat Gill, alone in his apartment, drinking six cans of what I think is beer silently while the intro music plays. That scene in itself should win an Oscar. Sadly, a solid 0 for Education, because I learn nothing in this video except for the fact that Pat Gill is the type of person to put out a coaster and then just completely not use it. I quantify things as educational if I can maybe answer a trivia question with them, and unfortunately, this fact does not pass that test. In terms of Exaltation, seeing Pat Gill lie down on the floor next to his cat made me get out of bed to do the same with my dog, and with myself thusly out of my bed cocoon of sadness, I was able to actually complete tasks on the day I watched this video. Perfect 5.

BONUS: Pat is +1 hot in this because there’s something very beautiful about him being a little bit miserable. However, I do miss his beard when I watch this video. It is one of my favorite things about him, and it is not present here.

3. Pat and Simone Play Human: Fall Flat

Entertainment: 5 Education: 1 Exaltation: 5 Hotness: 0 Total Score: 11

I very much enjoy Polygon’s gameplay streams. I often play them in the background while I’m doing other stuff like doodling or origami, but this stream is special. It is special because of the moment at 24:00 when Pat Gill, in game, swings a stereo into a glass window, shattering it, while saying, “Actually, y’know what? Let’s talk about trauma.” and then proceeds to tell a horrible and embarrassing story from his childhood where he had to do a rap about Ancient Egypt. 

5 points for Entertainment. This is partly because of Pat’s tragic childhood story about the Egypt Rap (and, segue just to point out 33:22 the incredible moment where you can hear Pat’s feral panic when Simone finds the lyrics to the Egypt Rap) but also because Pat and Simone just talking to each other is so deeply entertaining to me in a very comfy way. I’m starved for human interaction, in this quarantime, okay. Let me enjoy listening to other people have conversations while playing video games. Education scores a 1 because, again, nothing in this video will let me answer a trivia question, however it does get 1 point and not a 0 because the Egypt Rap’s lyrics are in the comments and I did end up learning stuff about Ancient Egypt that I didn’t know. A perfect 5 for Exaltation because this video showed me that talking about trauma can actually be cathartic, given that you’re trashing a video game living room at the same time, and I think that message of not bottling up your experiences really helped me, in these trying times.

BONUS: Pat Gill is not visible for the entirety of this episode, so he scores the standard 0. I’m sure he was hot. We just couldn’t see him.  

2. Why Bloodborne and Muppets are the same thing

Entertainment: 4 Education: 4 Exaltation: 3 Hotness: +2 Total Score: 12

Ah yes, one of Pat’s “x is y because of z” videos. He’s made a number of these and they’re all very good but this one is my favorite among them and earns a spot on this list because 1) I think puppets are cool and 2) I fucking love monsters. 

This video scores a 4 on Entertainment, just shy of perfect, because as funny as it is, it also gives me the vibe like I am being lectured by a professor who’s just a little bit off the shits. And we all know that lectures are supposed to be taken seriously. Which brings us to Education, which also scores a 4. I learned a lot in this video! Watching Pat Gill explain to me that children’s puppets and these horrifying viddy game monsters use the same character principles in different ways is not only very educational but is also explained in a streamline and easy to understand manner that I WISH some of the shitty professors at my old university could emulate. As for Exaltation, while this video did give me enough energy to have a meal, I did eventually end up back in bed for the night at 8pm crying myself to sleep, thinking “I’m like the slime scholar. Used to be a scholar. Now they’re slime.” 

BONUS: Pat Gill is +2 hot here. He’s rockin that basic ass monochromatic aesthetic and I love his look dearly. 

1. Preparing for Big Boy Season in Red Dead Redemption 2 

Entertainment: 5 Education: 3 Exaltation: 5 Hotness: +3 Total Score: 16

Here we are. My favorite non video series Pat Gill video. The video where Pat Gill tries to make Red Dead Redemption 2 protagonist, Arthur Morgan, large. 

Perfect fucking 5 for Entertainment, which I’m sure many may find odd. Afterall, this video is told in a serious investigative tone reminiscent of Vox’s videos on current issues. But that’s the glory of it. The complete and utter ‘playing it straight and serious’ for a ridiculous issue in a video game. It is high tier comedy in a subtle, understated way that sings to my comedy loving heart in a melody so lovely, so wonderful, that it urged me to give this video 5 points for Entertainment. It scores 3 on Education, because I have never played Red Dead Redemption 2, nor will I ever, but now I know things about it. The information was also relayed to me in a very interesting style, via something like a crime procedural, and thus it was engaging for me to absorb all this new knowledge. Exaltation scores a perfect 5 because of this video’s beautiful end about existential smallness. No joke, but hearing Pat Gill say “Our bigness isn’t measured in pounds, but in the impact we have on the people with whom we shared the world.” deadass made me want to talk to my friends again after conversationally isolating myself for 3 days. Preparing for Big Boy Season has a special place in my heart. And there it will stay.

BONUS: Pat Gill is not visible for most of the video but he does appear for like 15 seconds in the middle of it, and guess what. He’s hot. +3 hotness. Good beardage, good hair, all in all, good Pat Gill. 

So there you have it. My five favorite Pat Gill videos. If you read this whole thing, holy shit. You’re welcome, I guess.

[utapriyanderes]

Hi, could you please tell us how Quartet Night would deal with their s/o having depression and anxiety episodes from too much social isolation when QN's been at work for too long?

Hello! I hope you don’t mind me making this a first person point of view instead of second like usual!

Trigger Warning: This does deal with depression and anxiety, and some suicidal thoughts, so please be warned! I will try to tag appropriately, but if I miss a tag or need to add another, then please tell me! 

Reiji Kotobuki:

    I take shallow breaths. I can feel the tears welling up in my eyes. I cling to myself, in hopes his arms will appear as mine. In hopes that he will come hold me and tell me he’s here for me like he has always done. I swing my head into my lap. I can feel my body shake. 

    So, so, so, many bad thoughts. Horrible thoughts! What if he never returns? What if he tried to leave me like Aine did us? My head shakes violently. No, no, no, no! That isn’t possible! He wouldn’t- would never do that! To us! To me! 

    The tears drip down. But, what if he did? What if he did leave me? Like everyone else? Why am I alone? Why am I all by myself? Aren’t I a good person? One who deserves love and happiness? 

    Did I mess up? N-No.. I would never… Reiji… please, don’t leave me alone. Please don’t leave me like Aine did.

    In my thoughts, a light floods in. The arms around me transform and a sudden warmth envelops me. Huh…? W-What is? 

    “It’s alright my girl/boy... I’m here for you now. Sorry to have left you alone for so long.” T-This voice… t-t-this voice! My arms greedily move to wrap around the body of the person who’s holding me. I cling onto him tightly. 

    “Haha… don’t worry my girl/boy~. I’m not going anywhere else I promise. I’ll even lock myself in here with you if it makes you feel better.” 

Ranmaru Kurosaki:

    The cats aren’t him. They are just reminisces of his touches. Of where and what he used to be. I pet them in hopes to get some of his warmth, but it is gone. Not a trace of him left. I never thought I was a bad person to him. Didn’t I love him properly? Don’t I love his cats and take care of them while he’s away? 

    I bury my own face into the pillow, the pillow where he used to rest his head on. What if… he never comes back? What if he is so fed up with me that he doesn’t even want to see me anymore? Do I even want to see myself anymore? 

    The cat on the bed beside me moves. Even the cat doesn’t want to be beside me anymore. I hug his pillow close and sob to myself. Am I so worthless? Such a waste of space that not even a cat wants to be beside me anymore? There is a creak on the bed beside me. Is my mind playing tricks on me now too? Only for me to be disappointed in the end? 

    “Oi… aren’t you going to welcome me back?” I can feel my heartbeat stop for a moment at his words. Is it truly… him? I start to move my head up, only to shoot it back down. No, it can’t be. I’m just hurting myself by leaning into my tricks. 

    “Hey, look at me.” My body gets pulled up and I’m stuck looking into two different colored eyes. That are… so familiar… 

    “I’m right here. Look straight at me. I’m real aren’t I?” His words sound real? He seems real…? I move my hand to touch his face. Upon feeling the smooth flesh I burst out in tears of joy. I wrap my arms around him, and cry. That’s all I do. Cry.

    “It’s alright okay? I wasn’t going to leave ya or anything. That’s why the cats are here. To remind you of my return. So I’m here now. Don’t cry anymore alright?” 

Ai Mikaze: 

    I’ve been bad. Very very bad. That is why I’m stuck in here. I’ve really done something this time. I must be so so so worthless! I mean nothing to him! The love I gave him, the time we spent together. It all means nothing now right? Doesn’t my life now mean nothing? Am I… nothing? 

    The steaming tears burn down my face. A reminder that I’m here and mean nothing to him. I grasp onto the metal bars of the cage I was stuck in. He hates me, he absolutely must hate me. Why hasn’t he returned? Why did he leave me by myself for so long? 

    Is his security not telling him I am here? Did he stop watching me through his cameras? I can feel my body shake with every rapid thought tumbling through my head. He’s all I have left, and he left me. He just walked away and is he never to return again? 

    I wrap myself up tight into a fetal position. What is the point to me living if he isn’t here? If he doesn’t want me anymore? I silently let the tears continue to pour over and onto the metal floor. I become so trapped in my silence that I don’t hear the approaching footsteps.

    “(Y/N)...... (Y/N)....? (Y/N)?!” Distubred by a loud commotion I come back to my senses. The person in front of me holds me gently in their arms, stroking my hair ever so gently. When I can finally see through the tears, I find my special person. The one I thought had thrown me away. 

    “A-A-Ai?” I can barely breathe through the amount of joy and happiness I am feeling right now. I never thought I would feel so much joy. I have never felt this much happiness my whole life. 

    “(Y/N)... I won’t ever leave you alone again alright? I’ll take you with me wherever I go from now on. I’m sorry for leaving you like this.”

Camus:

    A heavy feeling lays on my chest. I feel ready to cry, but the tears don’t want to come out. I’m afraid that I won’t see my protector again, but I’m frozen to the spot. I feel the chains wrapped around my wrists and ankles. So cold, just like him. I bring them close to me. 

    If I die here, then that would be fine with me. Since he doesn’t need me anymore. The world doesn’t even need someone as weak and useless as me. I was always just a burden to him wasn’t I? Someone who couldn’t stand up for themself. Someone who had to hide in his shadow. 

    I am so useless. I could never help him out. He would always do everything. I was just a mold of something potential, but I never reached it. Even with his help, I was still always nothing. That’s why he left. He finally saw it. Saw how impossible I was. I just dragged him down and hurt him. 

    So it’s fine. To die here. Trapped inside these horrible memories of all my mistakes. It is what I deserve. I don’t deserve to be loved. I never did. That’s why he finally left. 

    “(Y/N). Listen to me when I talk to you.” A single tear, finally drops. I snap out of my thoughts to see my knight. Standing in all of his radiance. I try to stutter out his name but he shushes me. 

    “It’s alright. I shouldn't have left you alone for so long. Everything is going to be okay now, so no need to be scared.” He places a hand on my shoulder and I cautiously try to move to lean in.

Noticing my signals he puts both arms around me and pulls me in. 

    “Don’t be afraid. I’m here for you now. I won’t leave you. I need to be here to protect you don’t I? I love you more than anything.” 

(Added Note: So this was an ask from the past. One that I finished probably last year in May that I didn't post and I'm so sorry for the extremely long wait especially since I did your other one then forgot about this one. I left everything the same from when I originally wrote it and only added this small note. Again, I'm sorry and hope you like it!)