#mentally? I am still h e r e

[matthewsgreybubbles]

My favourite thing about MGG is his smile and sense of humour like.. that man has done more for my mental wellbeing than myself. Like if I’m feeling a little down, I’ll watch something of his or in random parts of the day I quote him.

My favourite ones are “do you ever get a little blue” god, I love these videos so much haha. It’s a shame that I got to this fandom so late if you understand me like I missed so much MGG from 2017 and onwards.

But yes, back to the first point. His smile is like E V E R Y T H I N G, you get his smile and then you get his big smile where his eyes just become brown orbs. Also, I love expressive people too, bc they are amazing to draw as well! MGG has such a large collection of expressive photos to use as reference. I’m hoping to find some and get to drawing him soon!

Okay my rumble is over now. Any thoughts too?

The other day I was talking with one of my best friends about MGG and I told her "I love him because every time I see him I want to smile."

Is that weird?

Probably-

But the truth is that there is something so endearing about MGG's way of being that just makes me happy.

His smile is so honest that my heart just goes "OPJKFDBHGFIJDSOQKXDCJVFHGIJEOKLQSKX?DJCNVBHFGIJEZKSQL?XDJCHBV", <- that's the closest to what is going on in my brain too.

It's weird but his whole being is just so soothing.

I've been in the Criminal Minds fandom for a long while now, without being really active, but I was there. MGG tho? I never looked into him more than for Reid until recently and I was just amazed. I wished I looked into it before because it's so sweet here and he is fabulous.

(and since I understood he dated Kat Dennings I just wished I was invested during that time because they were the ABSOLUTE COUPLE? Man for real- they would have been my couple's goal when I was a teen, that's for sure. They still are, even though she's married lmao. I'm sad I didn't look into him more at that time because I knew they were dating, I just didn't know him more than that :c )

Anyway, I am now the one who rambles a lot, sorry-

PS: Matthew must be so pretty to draw, that smile must be amazing to replicate;

[not-goldy]

Right now there are some tkk left confused. Some left after Paris, some have been barely hanging on. Even saw some saying what Tae did with JK with the face time shirtless screenshot, actually mad them angry because now they feel Tae is gaslighting them or trolling them, esp since its all but confirmed he was in fact dating Jennie for 2 years. Coming to terms with things isn't easy or instant. It takes time. You don't have to switch from Tk to Jikook and accept Jikook is real now. What you can do is set yourself on your own path, away from the major big TK accounts still gaslighting you and making hella money off you. You say, well they aren't leaving and staying for a reason, maybe they do know things about TK. OR maybe its more like, why would they leave, even if Taekook is not real, cause you give them clout, money, attention and exposure. They ain't leaving when you do that, but you can.

The 5 big tk accounts who always end up on report accounts and you know who they are. Start with reporting these accounts and help them get taken down. Or better yet, take a stand against them and speak your peace to them. You earned the right. Do you honestly, deep down really think Jikook did this because there were no other choices? Come on. Don't do that to yourself. You've been corrected by Karmy who actually speak Jk's language on what he wanted to do and the reality is, it wouldn't have been where Tae is. And Tats didn't prevent him for being with Tae, cause Tae could have scarified and did this with Jk and went with him and you know this. This isn't a case of Jk will transfer to be with Tae after 5 weeks. You also know that is not gonna happen, it would defeat the whole point of what Jk did enlisting through buddy system. I am speaking to you like a rational adult. Like a human. Don't let these accounts who have gaslit you and made money off you, continue to lead you down a path of thinking Taekook are real and dating and Jimin and Hybe are villains keeping them apart and after military Tk are gonna come out and announce they are married with 2 adopted children. (TBH, you should have reported that grumpy tkk woman the day she said this, cause you know that is not sane. Its actually defamation, slander and mental illness) that you went alone with. You know Jk is a capable adult. You wanna say, well he liked a taekook tiktok. And honey he is the creator of GCF Tokyo, the biggest Jikook edit with a queer love song. He might have liked a TK tiktok edit, like he did a Jinkook edit, but he went with Jimin to Japan for 5 days right before enlisting. Sorry, to me that holds more significance. Saying Tae showed them shirtless was sending a message. They were also in sperate houses, talking and Vmin also said they video call shirtless, so there's that. Not to mention Jikook were standing next to each other on their private vacation with arm around their naked torso, in Jk's bday post pic from Jimin. The word T O G E T H E R, not separate houses. Don't do this to yourself and do the compare game, it won't work out for you. Do yourself a favor and Take what Jikook did with this enlistment as a reminder, to never let anyone else tell you what to feel or think, cause Taekook lives is telling you Jikook are not close, but Jikook are showing you different. Think for yourself. Or, wait around and keep holding on and let the fall be so bad, you will never recover from it. That is a scary thought to live with. If you think Paris was a bad fall, you wait for Jikook out of the Military. This was your warning shot from jikook. Your way as an out for good. Their way of telling you nothing will ever stop them from prioritizing each other and best believe they gonna show you when they get out. I would listen to them, if it were me and not someone gaslighting me to make money off me. Choice is yours.

💜💜💜💜💜💜

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

Am I the asshole for getting mad at my friend(?) for claiming I have autistic, then called me an ablest.

I was really close to this person, let's call them k. One day we were talking about who in our friend group is the most socially aware. I said it would either be me or my friend e. k said it wouldn't me bc we an almost all autistic friendgroup with e being the exception so it would be e. I told K I wasn't autistic and asked why they assumed I was. They said that it was a rumor that they heard during gym. K then went on to say it was R who told them the rumor in their gym class. R is friends with my exfriend g who (aprox a week before) made a rumor that I had a mental disorder which is heavily stigmatized to drag my name and turn my friends against me which sucked (it also almost worked which was kinda scary).

I confronted R because I wanted to figure out who started the rumor about me being autistic (as although I suspected it would be g I didn't actually want to assume). R and K do have problems which resulted in R no longer being friends w K and sitting with g but I aswell as the rest of the friend group are still friends with R and wouldn't assume K would lie about them.

R told me that they never said I was autistic and wouldn't especially around K. I went back to K saying R said they didn't say I was autistic. K sent me a huge message basically accusing me of being ablest because I was treating having autism as a bad thing, but they didn't say the word ablest so I asked them to clarify and they just sent the same text block. I then asked if they were saying I was ablest and they were all like "no its j weird that you are treating having autism as a bad thing" (word 4 word)

I told them that I wasn't upset that they said I have autism but that I was geeing mad at them because they:

1. didn't ask me directly and j made an assumption that a rumor is true

2. would j lie to me about R

3. assumed that I had a biggoted ideology that quickly

4. that I was reacting the way I did because I wanted to make sure it wasn't a variation of g's rumor

the conversation drifted and we never really addressed the things I was uncomfortable with and I was just stuck in the weird limbo feeling about the person where I don't want to be friends w them anymore but don't know if im being dramatic.

I started to question myself and my own actions and reactions so I took it to my other group space with online friends (j d h). J told me that I was being too harsh because K is less emotionally mature and less traumatized and that I should apologize. The other 2 (D) said K was in the wrong for lying about R and the other (H) said that I was wrong for being critical but that K should have trusted me more.

I don't know if I was actually being an asshole because just too much at once for me and I can't tell if I was overreacting because of g's latest rumor about me. For now I am not speaking with K with the exception of a few basic conversations to not be too obvious about it. My IP friends don't know about the situation at all aside from there being a rumor about me being autistic.

What are these acronyms?

[entomolog-t]

INSTAЯ (4)

Technically a SUPER late promtober prompt (Puzzle)

Thank you to everyone who's been asking about INSTAЯ! As a lil treat I thought I'd post this before coming off of my writing hiatus.

Also HUGE thank you to @imber-rose for their AMAZING FANART of Bram and Honey???? I am SO FLATTERED???💕

I give you - charades, anxiety, and the magical art of tidying up.

This chapter deals with the unforseen messes left in the wake of sci-fi mishaps (both literal and mental) so please take a peak at the content warnings.

Taglist: @imber-rose

- - - -

Previous Chapter: Chapter 3

Next Chapter: Chapter 5

Word count: 4230

CW: Gore (descriptions of viscera and butchering), mild body horror, mild panic/anxiety, vague dehumanization, Adult language.

Almost as quickly as the panic had come- it was gone. He’d gone silent in my grasp, having slumped to the floor, leaning with his back against the palm of my hand- still draped loosely around him. He never once looked toward me- instead he stared blankly forward, mind clearly elsewhere as his …mouthparts and antennae twitched with some sort of agitation. 

Without warning, his tiny frame jerks upright, shoving himself out from the tangle of my hands and making long strides towards the notepad, chittering to himself as he paced. His gaze flicks to me briefly, before all too quickly turning away. Hefting up the pen, he leans it against his shoulder- both sets of arms working to stabilize the awkward writing utensil in his grip. 

H…I…D…E

My stomach drops- the hastily scrawled word sending a chill through my spine. Before I can question the message, he clicks, drawing my attention back to him. He points to the word, then to himself, before clasping his hands together, as if… praying? No- begging. 

“Hide you…” My voice is almost a whisper, “From what? Where? I- I don’t- What’s going on?” I can feel my voice raising as I flood him with questions, as if some mental dam had burst. Though, much to my frustration, he holds up a hand, a sharp series of distinctly aggravated clicks interrupting me. Shushing me. He shakes his head- dismissing my questions. Instead, he points to the pile of the discarded exoskeleton in the kitchen, then toward the direction of the living room. Before I’m able to ask for clarification, he resumes writing. 

B...U…R…N

A dryness fills my mouth. I swallow. A single word forms in my mouth,

“W-why?”

Each letter feels as though it takes an eternity to take shape as he struggles with the pen. Dan? Dang?? My face falls, realization hitting me. 

D… A…N…G…E…R

As he finishes the last letter, he turns, pointing the pen towards me. 

“M-me?” I stare at him, stunned- unsure of what to say, “N-no, I - I’m not-”

He huffs- handing off the pen to his lower set of arms as he dramatically gestures with his primary pair. Arms outstretched towards me he makes a loose fist with one hand, and with the other he shoves his fingers into the first in an almost crude gesture. He does the gesture again, this time even more exaggerated, fingers making an arching path towards his fist. 

“Inside?” He shakes his head, chittering with annoyance. He teeters a hand back and forth making a so-so gesture before pointing to me, replicating the unknown sign and then pointing back to danger.

“I.. I’m… in-” All at once it clicks- my heart stopping in my chest with the realization, “I’m in danger.”

He nods vigorously. I swallow the quickly building feeling of unease in attempt to squeeze out simple yet poignant question;

“From… you…?”

He hesitates for an uncomfortable moment before bobbing his head side to side, repeating the so-so gesture. A knot tightens in my stomach, a feeling of unease twisting and snaking in my gut as if my insides had been turned to eels desperate to escape the confines of my body.

“From that??” My heart races as I point to the remnants of his shed exoskeleton. Was it toxic? I touched it- Honey had chewed on it - 

He shakes his head.

He points to me, and as if on cue I echo the verbal component to the sign.

“I…”

He points to his head. 

“Head?... Brain? Think-”  He abruptly holds up his hands, halting me from continuing guessing.

“I think…” Nodding, he then points to himself, then to danger.

“I think you danger?” My brows knit together in confusion at the stunted sentence. He repeats the gestures, this time adding a long pause before pointing to danger. 

“I think you; Danger?” Even though he nods, I feel lost. Was I supposed to follow? He repeats the sign for think, followed by slowly pinching his finger and thumb together, then giving me a thumbs up. 

“Think small.. Good” I say almost to myself, before attempting to somewhat correct the sentence, “Think little; good.”

I think you; danger. Think little… good??

What the Hell was that supposed to mean? 

I mull over the words, trying to make sense of them. 

I think about you, danger- think less is good… dangerous to think? Dangerous to know..? 

I freeze- the garbled sentence suddenly seeming to click. A much clearer phrase reinterpreting and replacing the stunted translation of his signs.

“It's dangerous to know too much. The less I know the better?”

He claps his hands together, giving me a ridiculous four thumbs up. He drops his hands, looking away for a moment before seemingly reconsidering. He holds up a single closed first, slowly raising his fingers one at a time until he reaches four, before pointing to his wrist as if asking for the time. 

I smile, a weird sense of pride bubbling up as I feel myself starting to get the hang of this strange guessing game.

“For now.”  He nods, and I continue, “Can I at least know your name?”

He looks startled at the question- his tail swishing back and forth as he considers. With the unwieldy pen in hands, one at a time he points to a handful of letters he’s already drawn out;

B… R… A… M

“I can’t say it’s been nice to meet you, Bram.” I say with an awkward chuckle. My chuckle turns to a genuine laugh as one of Bram’s many hands flips me off, the casual human-ness of the gesture looking almost comical when juxtaposed with his less than human physique. Carefully, I pinch the obscene gesture between my thumb and forefinger, suppressing a cringe at the all too insect-like feel of his appendage. The texture somehow both hard and thin- something between an eggshell and dried leaves.

“Dawn Delacroix” I say, giving his hand a gentle shake, “How can I lend a hand?”

Bram pulls his hand away to immediately begin gesturing again. His gestures are sharp and insistent as he points to the word hide, then himself, before repeating his signs for four and now. 

As soon as I nod, he continues, gesturing to shush, pointing to burn, and once again signing now.

“Burn it now and keep quiet about this - right?” 

Bram chirps, nodding. I nod along. I comprehend the message, yet internally my mind is whirling.

What the fuck was I getting myself into… Hide him?? From what? Why was I burning the…- was I burning evidence??

With a deep inhale, I force the questions to the back of my mind. Just get him out of sight for now. One thing at a time.

I eye the strange little man up and down, shifting my weight from foot to foot.  

“When you say 'hide’ you don’t just mean keeping you in the house, eh?” I note, my brow furrowing, “Like, you want me to hide you like ‘my house is going to get searched’ hide you?”

Slowly, he nods. 

Despite suspecting the answer, I feel the blood drain from my face all the same. Instinctively, I go to chew on my thumb, stopping myself with a grimace before actually biting down.

“Fuck. Okay. Right. This is- It’s fine.” I lie. My mind is a freeway of thoughts rushing past me- and I’m stuck feeling like some poor animal dodging transport trucks.  

Why was he .. like this?

What happened to him?

Why were people after him?

Had he escaped something? Hurt someone?

I had somehow come to have tasked myself with protecting him from some unknown entity without knowing a single thing about the situation. What kind of people pleaser bullshit was this? I was in way over my head. This was dangerous- yet here I was diving in head first.

As I tried to shake the questions from my thoughts, one seemed to stay stuck- as if it had somehow become a permanent fixture in the forefront of my mind;

Should I really be doing this? 

Despite all that I want to tell myself, I know I don’t have an answer. 

Restless, my hand drags along my face and I aggressively rub at my brow as if forcing my face to relax would somehow force me to relax as well. Unsurprisingly, the action is utterly useless. Fuck. What am I doing? What if I’m in trouble? What if I make things worse? How am I supposed- 

There's the sudden sensation of contact- an involuntary shiver shoots down the length of my spine. 

As if pulled back to reality from his touch, my eyes fall onto Bram- one of his tiny hands laid on top of my own. He stood, looking up at me with what I could only assume was concern in the inky black of those far too many eyes. A shudder creeps its way across my neck- feeling all too similar to the sensation of an insect crawling on my skin. His touch made my skin crawl- it was uncanny in far too many ways. So human, yet so …. Not. He himself was too hard, yet his touch too light. It lacked warmth, not in intent, but physically lacked the warmth of human touch. His clawed fingers felt as though a pin was being dragged on my skin, not painful… but catching. 

As if some primordial instinct takes hold I yank my hand back, fingers curling into a fist as if to hide themselves from the unexpected and unsettling contact.

Bram’s antennae fold down, his hand still hanging limply in the air where mine had been not a second ago. The sight of him sends a wave of guilt crashing over me. With a forced smile, I let my hand relax in front of him, awkwardly pretending as if I hadn’t just cringed away from his touch. 

For some reason unbeknownst to me, my mind wanders back to his horrified reaction to his… current state. The way he’d cried into my hand- the feeling of helplessness that washed over me... Being able to do nothing but offer what little comfort I could. My stomach twists as I think of him trying to do the same for me. This had to be horrifying for him… For all my feelings of helplessness, I couldn’t imagine a fraction of the helplessness that he must be going through. 

I exhale. The act seeming to catch him off guard- his antennae shooting up as he regards me.  

Now was not the time to chew on these heavy questions. He needed help, I would figure the rest out later. 

Man, I need a drink- 

As soon as the thought enters my mind it's as if it sets a cascade of dominoes in motion. I’m met with teenage memories of Clyde and his buddies sneaking whatever alcohol they could scavenge into some ridiculous hiding spot he'd jimmy rigged straight into the drywall behind his bed. 

I smile.

That could work…

"Let's get you hidden, Big Man." His eyes narrow at the impromptu nickname, but he keeps his chirps to himself. I move my hand towards him before we both simultaneously pause, likely sharing one very awkward thought;

How was this going to work?

In something weirdly akin to two people trying to walk past one another but unsure of which direction to pick, we both continued in an awkward stop-start motion. 

"Here- uh, just let me-" I slid my hand behind him, scooping him at his knees. Rather than calmly remaining seated, a shrill chirp was all the warning I had before he began scrambling in my grip, his weird insectoid claws gripping into my skin in a way that, while not physically painful, was mentally disturbing. 

"Woah, woah- Bram!" My free hand shoots up to block the edge, as if he were some frightened animal about to jump to "safety." Instead, all four arms latched onto my finger, squeezing with a significant amount of force for his size. My brow furrows as I regard him,

"You good?" 

His head swivels, looking over his shoulder and back at me with a palpable anger in those tiny eyes. He let out a string of strained chirps, and despite not understanding a word he was saying, it didn't take much to understand it was littered with profanity. 

"Not a fan of heights, I'm assuming?" If looks could kill I'd be dead last week. In a gesture that needed no translation, Bram flipped me off.

As he tugged against my finger, I took the hint and curled my grip around him- wincing at the uncanny sensation of him in my grasp. It felt like holding a particularly large and eerily human-shaped beetle. Though, despite my own discomfort, Bram seemed at least somewhat more at ease in the security of a closed fist. 

I took a step. 

Immediately his primary set of arms were once again gripped onto my finger, claws digging into the meat- not enough to break the skin, though I assumed that courtesy was unintentional. At my movement, I heard the telltale jingle of Honey's collar as she padded to my side- clearly excited at the notion of some sort of activity other than gnawing on discarded exoskeleton.

Bram chittered nervously at her approach. I pull him close to me, making sure to hold him out of reach as Honey circles us, tail wagging with excited curiosity.

"Don't worry," I say, trying to put his nerves at ease, "She's a good girl, I promise- just a little excited after… everything." 

Though even as I say that, thoughts of Honey snapping at June bugs fill my mind- the nasty crunch they would make when she eventually caught them seemed to ring in my ears. I swallow dryly. 

Maybe it was best not to leave her unattended with him.

In the least obvious way I can manage, I shoo her away, nudging her with my foot as she circles around me. Honey somewhat acquiesces to my unspoken command, opting instead to trail behind me, still noisy but thankfully not nearly as pushy.

Good enough. The thought feels like the mental equivalent of a sigh. 

As I walk, I can’t help but notice how he flinches with every step, his whole body bracing as though I’d suddenly forget how to carry something. His tail flicks with what little room he has under my snug grasp, yet he remains quiet, eyes glued straight ahead as I make my way to Clyde's old room.

He all but dives off my hand as I move to set him down on the floor beside me, quickly moving himself out of the way as I join him on the floor. A flock of dust bunnies scatter as I reach under the bed, groping around for a solid spot to grip the small section of discreetly altered baseboard.

A smile crosses my face as the "door" swings open- immediately vanishing as my eyes fall on the interior of the wall. My smile is replaced with horror at the sight of empties littering the length of the inner wall- empties undoubtedly left from Clyde's long since passed teenage years. 

"Well look at that! Your room even comes with its own bar." I catch a whiff of the sour smell and grimace. Bram’s inky black eyes glare back at me, and even with his lack of visible sclera, I had no doubt he had rolled his eyes at the remark. 

"I'm sorry-” I chuckle awkwardly, mortified at the sight, “Brothers aren't really known for being the cleanest of creatures." Unable to add anything of note without the aid of the pen and paper, Bram shrugs, offering a half hearted thumbs up in response. His talon-like claws click softly on the wood floor as he moves to investigate his potential temporary residence. 

"You know," I feel a smile tug at the corners of my lips, a small half laugh slipping out at the strange turn of events, "When I first found you this morning I was terrified at the thought of you escaping into my walls."

His antennae perk up, oddly reminiscent of eyebrows raising in shock- or, more likely, offense.  That distinction was made much more clear as he proceeded to flip me off while buzzing angrily, the sound somewhere between a phone vibration and a particularly offended bee. 

His casual demonstration of profanity for some reason or other, put me at ease. I chuckle, the tension leaving my body, if only for a moment.

“I'll be back soon.”

Without further charades, I close the door, sealing Bram inside the wall. Part of me feels a pang of guilt for not thinking to grab some sort of light, but beggars, as well as potential fugitives, can’t be choosers. As I push myself back to a stand- physically feeling the weight of the day's events bearing down on me. A nagging urge to stop and critically think about what on Earth had transpired itches at the edge of my mind- yet I refused to scratch. There was a sort of mental momentum I had built up, a series of tasks to complete one after the other, and the knowledge that the moment I stopped to pick apart the situation in its entirety said momentum would send me crashing into reality. 

We can panic about this later. One thing at a time.

One foot in front of the other, I tear myself from the room- away from the strange little man who probably had all the answers, yet none of the words, or willingness, to share them. Honey reluctantly follows, letting out a soft whine in protest the same way she would if I were to take away a toy or an old bone. I grimace at the comparison. 

Yeah, let's not leave her alone with him.

________

I surveyed the sci-fi nightmare my home had become. Kitchen to livingroom, various degrees of carnage were scattered, and worse yet, splattered, around across the floor. With no small effort, I resist the urge to gag. My once beautiful hardwood was littered with discarded… parts of what had apparently once been Bram. The cracked bits of his outer shell, while undeniably gross when I thought too much about it, were not that bad. 

It was the flesh that made my skin crawl. 

I was no stranger to flesh. Hunting had long since suppressed my gag reflex when it came to viscera… and yet that was precisely what made it worse. I knew what it should be. I knew how it should feel… and that knowledge left me deeply aware of just how wrong everything was.

It was the colours that I noticed first.

Some flesh seemed almost normal, save for something uncanny with the degree of saturation, but the more I cleaned, the more oddities I found. Pieces of flesh so deeply red they neared the point of being back. The pieces far too tough, almost solid to the touch. 

Everything was coated in a strange slick opalescent mucous. Everything had this odd iridescent sheen. Though the fluids weren’t limited to the unnatural looking mucus. For a lack of better terminology, there was a general… ooze.  A sickly blend of various fluids; an opaque pale yellow transitioning into some sickly greyish green… and red… so much red the floor looked black until disturbed by my frantic wiping. 

What… what was all this?

What parts of him?

My stomach churned. The shed remains weren’t all just one consistency. There were… shapes in the flesh, lumps in the ooze. Whatever the inconsistencies in the gorey sludge had once been was impossible to tell, the lumps having lost much of their shape as if degraded by something.

My eyes flashed to my gloves- thankfully, still intact. 

I sigh, wincing as I inhale the strange stale smell that had undoubtedly bled into the flooring. It wasn’t particularly foul, in fact, it was almost familiar, which in itself made it far worse-  the smell of raw meat. 

My throat clenches at the thought, and I struggle to suppress the involuntary response to start dry heaving. 

Don’t think. Just clean. 

No different from gutting a deer. 

No difference at all. 

My hands move idly, picking up piece after horrific piece. The pile dwindles, replaced by a collection of dangerously heavy garbage bags in the center of the room, leaving nothing but the slowly congealing ooze to tackle. Armed with a worryingly complex array of disinfectants, I begin working away at the fluids.

My stomach churns as I try desperately to force my brain to think about anything else aside from the liquid carnage I’m sopping up with a month's worth of paper towel. Anything at all. 

Though the ‘anything’ that seems to permeate my mind, while less disgusting, is no less worrisome. 

Just what was happening? My teeth dug into the flesh of my lip as I scrubbed harder, as if the answer lay somewhere under the layers of- 

Was Bram really human? He seemed human... Maybe? His mannerisms were normal enough, save the extra appendages. But if he was human…

Why was he hiding? A distinct anxiety began to swell in my chest, and with it, a much more worrisome question came rising into my throat

Just who was he hiding from? 

…and how long until they got here?

_______

For all my monumental efforts in cleaning, it seemed as though Honey lived to do the opposite. Her fur, once a light golden color, was a horrible mishmash of the various fluids that had been splattered across my floor. Snout to tail she was caked in a thick mucosal slime that had rapidly begun to crust over as it dried, becoming flaky and, ugh, crunchy. 

From behind the filth, Honey stares up at me, her warm brown eyes filled with an innocent pleading as I stare down the nozzle at her- my finger hovering on the trigger. 

She whines softly.

I don't hesitate. 

Without a second thought, I spray her down- holding tight to her collar as she squirms in my grip, the cool spray from the hose apparently far less appealing than the rapidly decaying innards of some sci-fi mishap. I empty a container of dawn dish soap over her as she whines in protest, all the while desperately hoping that if Dawn worked for ducks in oil spills it’d work for dogs in biohazards as well. 

From I could tell, it seemingly had done the trick.

As I finished rinsing her off, Honey finally managed to wriggle free, zipping off to dart around the yard to run off her offense at, God forbid, being clean. 

My eyes hesitantly left her, moving to scan the lengthy driveway. I was almost expecting to see some unmarked government vehicle driving down to come and interrogate me.

How much time did I have before someone showed up? What was I even supposed to say? Hell- what were they going to say? ‘Hey Ma’am, have you seen a strange bug-person-thing in the area?’

A shaky breath blew past my lips as I forced out any hypothetical thoughts. 

We’ll burn that bridge when we get to it. 

My eyes flick towards the stack of pallets and scrap wood leaning up against the garage. 

But first we have more important things to burn. 

__________

The warmth of the fire pricks at my skin, or maybe it was the lingering bits of Bram sludge and it's undetermined acidity slowly burning through my skin-

With an exhale, I banish the thought before it can fully form. 

Everything’s fine. Kind of. Not really. I was harboring what was more and more in hindsight seeming like some fugitive alien or awol government experiment within the walls of my home. There was no way this wasn’t some type of felony, right? I was tampering with… evidence? A crime scene? 

What even was this?

I massage the bridge of my nose, my eyes immediately watering at the remaining smell of gasoline on my hands- no other reason. 

The fire continues to blaze on, the occasional pop and hiss emanating from the rapidly shrinking pile of charred remains. Around me, birds sang. I could hear the trill of chickadees and vireos as they hopped along the edge of the treeline. A soft breeze whispers through the foliage, rustling the leaves scattered on the ground. The early morning fog seemed to ease and give way to the everwarming rays of sunshine… 

I took a deep breath. 

Aside from the pungent odor of gasoline, there was a freshness in the air, as there so often was in fall. A crispness to the chill entering my lungs, with the sharp scent of evergreen dancing on each breath. I held out my hands, letting the heat from the fire soak into them.

It was turning out to be a beautiful day- clear skies, with the sun passively warming the October air. The atmosphere seemed to set a precedent. A subtle nod that everything would be okay.

I exhaled. 

Maybe everything really would be fine.

A soft vibration at my side pulls my attention to my phone. 

In my chest, my heart turns to ice- a sinking feeling of dread washing over me as I read the notification. 

Trail Cam Alert: Movement detected by NW BOUNDARY CAM at 8:06 am

[linnienin]

🔮 S o l a r ⁕ R e t u r n ⁕ C h a r t ⁕ N o t e s 🔮 (personal 2023/2024)

I will be talking about my SR 2023/2024 chart placements that caught my eye and that i am excited/scared about for this year

(notice that my birthday is on August so i still haven't hopped in this chart yet, these are just mini personal predictions for fun)

Disclaimer: i am not a professional astrologer, i research for fun and use my personal experience mostly

If you feel the need to add something (and help me out a bit 😂, i'll appreciate it) please feel free to do so! (no rudeness tnx)

⁕ Leo rising conjunct Venus(retrograde): I am definitely feeling this energy of starting to care more for my appeareance and in these past 2 years i've been slowly discovering a new passion for fashion, makeup and all girly stuff (well, it makes sense because in my current SR chart i have venus in leo too so yep, def a current feeling). If you'd asked me before this period if i'd ever tried girly stuff i'd have laughed hard to your face. I've always been veery unbothered before, i used to be the type of nerd that only had in mind to be good at school and get good grades and be skilled at sports and crafty things. I used to view the girly girls as superficials, and i found makeup and fashion as vain (things that also my family told me). I couldn't be more wrong honestly, i now look at my past self with disappointment. Fashion and makeup are art expressions and take a lot of time, research, effort, study and practice to understand and master, and only lately, by experimenting i have fallen in love with this entire new world, now i can't possibly imagine myself not researching about these matters (i have been getting into the fashion systems' rabbit hole of Kibbe, Kitchener, Truth is beauty, Personal seasonal colour etc...).

However, i have mostly practiced these things in the comfort of my home, when my parents weren't in, and i feel like with this new solar return i'll get hopefully the courage to express myself freely even in public (Venus retrograde i guess could slow these things a bit, but the Leo rising could make me bolder, we'll see how it goes, i'm kinda excited for this not gonna lie)

⁕⁓⁕⁓⁕⁓⁕⁓⁕⁓⁕⁓⁕⁓⁕⁓⁕⁓⁕⁓⁕⁓⁕⁓⁕⁓⁕⁓⁕⁓⁕⁓⁕⁓⁕⁓⁕⁓⁕⁓⁕⁓⁕⁓⁕⁓⁕⁓⁕⁓⁕⁓⁕⁓⁕⁓⁕⁓⁕

⁕ Saturn (retrograde) conjunct Karma (retrograde) in 8th house Pisces + Neptune + Nessus there too: Last time i got Saturn in 8th house it was the first time i experienced depression, but last time i didn't know astrology as i now do lol. I am still hella scared of these placements ngl, i know i will suffer because of past mistakes, and i am here to endure and renew myself for the future. I just don't know what to expect, even as an 8th house stellium in my natal chart, when there are placements in the 8h in my Solar return i tend to shut down and suffer in silence. Having Nessus and Neptune i don't know what could mean. I just hope not to get raped or abused by anyone bye 🙈

Nessus in mythology was a centaur that tried to abuse Deianeira, wife of Heracles, before being shot by an arrow from Heracles himself . His last act before dying was convincing Deianeira to give his blood (poisoned) to his husband if she wanted to ensure his love to her for eternity, and this eventually led to Heracles's death.

⁕⁓⁕⁓⁕⁓⁕⁓⁕⁓⁕⁓⁕⁓⁕⁓⁕⁓⁕⁓⁕⁓⁕⁓⁕⁓⁕⁓⁕⁓⁕⁓⁕⁓⁕⁓⁕⁓⁕⁓⁕⁓⁕⁓⁕⁓⁕⁓⁕⁓⁕⁓⁕⁓⁕⁓⁕⁓⁕

⁕ Pluto in 6th house (retrograde): now, THIS, scares me A LOT. It is also squaring my NN and Chiron, I don't want health issues, not now please sigh. I think there will be a bit of a shocking change in my career, and also possibly in my everyday routine (probably i'll get more disciplined with Capricorn ruling my 6h, i could fall victim of the hoarding mentality, and if i don't seek balance this could cause sickness, so i'm noting this down for a future reminder)

⁕⁓⁕⁓⁕⁓⁕⁓⁕⁓⁕⁓⁕⁓⁕⁓⁕⁓⁕⁓⁕⁓⁕⁓⁕⁓⁕⁓⁕⁓⁕⁓⁕⁓⁕⁓⁕⁓⁕⁓⁕⁓⁕⁓⁕⁓⁕⁓⁕⁓⁕⁓⁕⁓⁕⁓⁕⁓⁕

⁕ Moon in Capricorn conjunct Vertex + Pholus (5th/6th house-Placidus/Whole Signs): i am preparing myself to GROW. With the ruler of 6h,Saturn, in 8h in direct contact with the moon (sextile) i will be forced to go deep within and take responsability for my own life. The change can be sudden and unexpected (Pholus),but it will happen no matter what (Vertex). With my moon also aspecting my Sun in Virgo 2h (trine) and Jupiter in 10h (trine) it will have an impact on my career and finances.

Adding here that my NN is also conjunct my MC, so i'll definitely be focused on my path and public image

⁕⁓⁕⁓⁕⁓⁕⁓⁕⁓⁕⁓⁕⁓⁕⁓⁕⁓⁕⁓⁕⁓⁕⁓⁕⁓⁕⁓⁕⁓⁕⁓⁕⁓⁕⁓⁕⁓⁕⁓⁕⁓⁕⁓⁕⁓⁕⁓⁕⁓⁕⁓⁕⁓⁕⁓⁕⁓⁕

⁕ Eros (retrograde) conjunct DC opposite Venus (retrograde): please, don't let me suffer from a fake love. The fact that Eros is also in the sign of Aquarius (the sign of my natal Juno). I can't, i'm not here to play or for a fling. Could be the return of an old flame? I usually don't like to predict my love life before i actually am interested in someone or there's some potential between me and another person, because i can hold on to expectations so all i do is being open with some boundaries. Whatever will be will be

⁕⁓⁕⁓⁕⁓⁕⁓⁕⁓⁕⁓⁕⁓⁕⁓⁕⁓⁕⁓⁕⁓⁕⁓⁕⁓⁕⁓⁕⁓⁕⁓⁕⁓⁕⁓⁕⁓⁕⁓⁕⁓⁕⁓⁕⁓⁕⁓⁕⁓⁕⁓⁕⁓⁕⁓⁕⁓⁕

⁕ Aphrodite conjunct Fama in 5th house: Finally recognition for my creative talent? I mean that'd be awesome, it might be a consequence of the switch in my mentality, becoming more and more disciplined, and being more efficient and getting more stuff done so yep, it would def make sense.

⁕⁓⁕⁓⁕⁓⁕⁓⁕⁓⁕⁓⁕⁓⁕⁓⁕⁓⁕⁓⁕⁓⁕⁓⁕⁓⁕⁓⁕⁓⁕⁓⁕⁓⁕⁓⁕⁓⁕⁓⁕⁓⁕⁓⁕⁓⁕⁓⁕⁓⁕⁓⁕⁓⁕⁓⁕⁓⁕

⁕ Where will i be lucky?

So, to see where i will expand and attract luck, i looked for Jupiter's position and which house it rules in my SR chart. I have it in 10th house, and i have Sagittarius in my 5th house (therefore here's a connection between these two houses and Jupiter). This gives me hope for luck for a career based on my interests and passions, and with NN in my 9th house ( the house that is originally ruled by Jupiter) it might also means that it can happen somewhere else than where i live.

⁕⁓⁕⁓⁕⁓⁕⁓⁕⁓⁕⁓⁕⁓⁕⁓⁕⁓⁕⁓⁕⁓⁕⁓⁕⁓⁕⁓⁕⁓⁕⁓⁕⁓⁕⁓⁕⁓⁕⁓⁕⁓⁕⁓⁕⁓⁕⁓⁕⁓⁕⁓⁕⁓⁕⁓⁕⁓⁕

⁕ Strongest aspects (0-2 degrees):

0 degrees:

Sun opposite Saturn, Venus conjunct AC + opposite Eros , Eros conjunct DC + opposite AC/Venus , Moon sextile Karma + trine Black Moon Lilith H13 , Mercury conjunct Pallas, Aphrodite conjunct Fama

1 degree:

Mars trine Pluto, Vertex trine Sun + sextile Saturn

2 degrees:

Mars opposite Neptune + square Vertex, Mercury trine Uranus, Jupiter square AC + Venus, Pluto square NN and MC, Chiron opposite Ceres, Pholus trine Sun + conjunct Moon + sextile Saturn

⁕⁓⁕⁓⁕⁓⁕⁓⁕⁓⁕⁓⁕⁓⁕⁓⁕⁓⁕⁓⁕⁓⁕⁓⁕⁓⁕⁓⁕⁓⁕⁓⁕⁓⁕⁓⁕⁓⁕⁓⁕⁓⁕⁓⁕⁓⁕⁓⁕⁓⁕⁓⁕⁓⁕⁓⁕⁓⁕

⁕ Energy of the chart:

Chart ruler: Sun (2h)

Dominant/Most aspected planet: Uranus + Pluto (both 7 aspects)

Domicile planets: Mercury in Virgo, Neptune in Pisces

Dominant element: Earth (7 planets + MC)

followed by Fire (1 planet + AC + NN + Chiron) followed by Water (2 planets) Shocker: 0 air energy

Dominant modality: Fixed + Mutable (both 5 points)

Hope you enjoyed reading!

Have a great day! ✨

P.S. I also hope i gave you some insight and tips on how to look for certain aspects in your personal SR chart 💖

[encrucijada]

BABYLON BOY & GOSSAMER GIRL by pía & teddy

♡ genre & categroy: literary fiction, adult

♡ pov: dual 3rd person

♡ teddy and i revisited the beginnings of mari & theo and came out of it with a rewrite of their first story that reclaimed its place as their real canon??, duology + all the novellas we want, alliteration galore, sometimes all you need is a personal project with your qpp

♡ a reminder that teddy is @teddywriting

♡ cw: drug addiction, child neglect, homelessness, imperfect recovery, unmedicated mental illness

♡ themes: second opportunities, self-love, family both chosen and born, gentleness, what if choosing to live your life was an option

a b o u t :

babylon boy - circa late 00s. theo and maripaz find each other while searching for meaning, but they're not quite the answer they were looking for. having independently run away from home they are focused on survival. maripaz left behind a family with more kids her parents knew what to do with and a boyfriend she never really liked. theo cut his family's losses and he hopes eventually they will stop missing him, his problems are his own. survival leads to companionship leads to friendship leads to i would be really bummed if you ever parted from me. there is no future as they hop from place to place, shoplift, and try to have a night of rest, there is only today and maybe tomorrow. gossamer girl - circa early 10s. the most earth shattering things still happen walking down the street or in the store.

in other words: a story told in two parts (plus a few others) about maripaz and theo—who ran away from home to spare their families the trouble. maripaz was only taking up space in her house and theo definitely does not have a drug addiction problem. they meet when theo helps maripaz shoplift from a grocery store and he steals one of the two necklaces she brought with her, this one with an angel charm (this is important). teddy is writing the theo pov and i am writing the mari pov and they go back and forth throughout.

c h a r a c t e r s :

maría paz "maripaz" vega. would rather die than ever express a want or need. should be dancing to abba at a discotheque. loves valentine's day themed stuff unironically. sixth daughter of eight kids. audhd. constantly interrupting her narration with snippets of the past. wants love to fix her so so bad. i think that i'm not who you think i am / but i like to be seen and i like to be wanted [better than this - lizzy mcalpine].

theodore "theo" rayes. hasn't had a problem ever his brain is so normal promise. should be doing silly tricks at the skate park. smartest stupidest pretty boy you'll ever meet. twin brother (older). autistic. constantly interrupting his narration with daydreams of the future. has these drugs under control (trust me). medicate, meditate, save your soul for jesus / throw a punch, fall in love, give yourself a reason [call your mum - noah kahan].

the actual plot is less important than these two's emotional journeys. the conflict comes from... why isn't how much i love you enough to make everything right? what if you wanted someone to choose you and mean it. what if you wanted to be someone people can rely on. what if we were what the other person is looking for but where we're at right now is making it so hard but here we are, we are staying.

aesthetic: the changing lights of a carnival ferris wheel, tongues coloured from candy, heart-shaped sunglasses, intertwined fingers, the murmur of the ocean tide, fine white sand, pink and orange sunsets, hands sticky from melting ice cream, light refracted on a suncatcher, cramped secondhand bookstores, the buzz of fluorescent lights in a hospital waiting room, freckle-covered cheeks, the heads of strawberries, nightlife lights refracted on wet pavement, a necklace you never take off, rhinestone decorated flip phones, a steady heartbeat, graffities that scream for something more, homemade plastic jewellery, the light behind your head looks like a halo, tangled bedsheets, soft music at the grocery store, the cold of the frozen aisle, photographs from disposable cameras, porcelain angels

snippet for you:

Watermelon in triangles.

“That one’s mine.” Carla had grabbed one of the soup bowls, then the watermelon Maripaz had picked, and another one. Juan Pa had left then unattended after calling up the stairs if anyone wanted any.

“Girls,” Mum called from the living room, her telenovela was so loud Maripaz had been able to hear it from the second floor. Bringing herself to do homework before dark was hard enough. “No fighting, please. I don’t want to deal with this.”

Carla had watermelon juice, a single drop of it, rolling down her chin. “Don’t make a scene. It’s just fucking watermelon, just grab another one.”

Maripaz made a scene.

The soup bowl broke into six separate pieces when it crashed on the floor. Carla screamed, not from pain, but indignation and anger. She shoved Maripaz so hard she knocked over one of the kitchen table chairs.

“Girls! Por el amor de Dios, not one second of peace in this house.”

the universe as a whole has been baptised as HOME HABITAT. but you will see this tagged as #bb&gg, as well as any variation of #maripaz&theo. teddy and i have at least 2 novellas planned to bridge the gap between babylon boy and gossamer girl, and one prequel about maripaz's oldest sister. but more on that some other time!

[laguezze]

Since my first PAC was quite a success I'm here for more!

PAC Reading: Random messages from your soulmate

I'm doing this thinking of a romantic soulmate, the one and only definitive one. You know who lol.

W A R N I N G ⚠️

It's honest, it's blunt, it's me 💅

Cussing

Also, might get a bit non PG. I'm gonna try keep it PG 16+ so if you're under that age pls leave and focus on school and your dreams because that's what's important right now. Don't rush love, sweetie. It will come to you when it's meant to come to you.

Are we ready? Stacy gworls, it's going 👇

(if you get that reference you're an MVP)

Let's go!

Pile 1

Pile 2

Pile 3

PILE 1

Hey girl (that's what I channeled, don't come at me). What you doin' (imitating that one F.R.I.E.N.D.S character i don't remember the name of)

Let's listen to Bruno Mars together and dance under the moonlight on our living room.

I guess there isn't much moonlight on our living room, though.

Oh well, whatever. You get what I mean.

Listen, our life may be simple but we're not. We're complicated. You more than me, though, I'm a little dumb sometimes.

Can we get a dog? A big intimidating one, not a Chihuahua pls you know i can't stand those little freaks. They freak me out, i don't get the hype around them.

I wanna grow old with you, but stay young at the same time. I am afraid of stopping with age. I wanna do things with you forever, I want nothing to stop me. Lol that has connotations if you know what i mean *wink wink*

Anyways, babe. I love everything about you. Even when you're a grumpy h*e and cuss me out for not throwing expired cheese away.

I still believe cheese doesn't expire but i throw it away for you. Because i love you and i respect you and your weird ass stomach that can't handle expired cheese that's not actually expires because cheese overall does not expire ever.

AnywAYS i will stop trying to pick a fight over cheese.

I love you. 3000, 3001, 3002, 3003...

Ok I'll stop

I'll see you soon when i get home.

Your one and only local dumbass.

I love your person skdjdjdjjd they are hilarious I'm ded.

PILE 2

Wassup, bestie. One word: YoLo

(what is wrong with your person, they seem to like teasing you with weird slang skdjdjjd love that)

Moving on, can we like... Talk? You've been so distant lately and it hurts me to realize how far away we are from each other both psychically and mentally.

I don't get why we can't just love each other, it's so unfair.

I love you too much to handle, and I will be there every step of the way. I don't care if you're not successful right now, you will be soon and I'll be there with a sign that says: YOU DID IT! screaming your name.

You are my best friend and my lover simultaneously but you also are my family.

I simply can't live without you.

Please don't give up on me, or your dreams, or anything. Just do not give up.

I love you, ok?

Thanks for being in my life.

Random but i got: spicy tamale, spicy chicken, chicken tenders, 22, LGBTQ community, church

PILE 3

Hey love,

I don't have much to say, you know who i am. Even if you don't know me yet, i am there in your subconscious, letting you know that i exist, letting you know that i acknowledge your existence and can't bare this time in separation.

But worry not, as our souls will find each other. Maybe not soon, but trust that they will. We are meant to be together, always and forever.

You say i remind you of your childhood crush, you say I'm like Edward Cullen and i act like i hate it but i don't. The fact that i resemble something you love so dearly makes me feel important, as if I've been there with you forever.

Plus, vampires are sexy creatures.

I'm glad we don't know each other yet here in the real world. I cannot believe what a mess i am right now. But I'll straighten up for you, dear. I always do.

Stop overthinking and worrying. You'll do great at that function. You always do great and it pains me to see you so nervous. I'll be there in spirit sending you flowers and love. Always with you, no matter what.

I love you, sweetheart. You and your small, little hands.

DANG Y'ALL, WE GETTIN THAT BELLA SWAN ERA WITH THIS PERSON. (I picked this one)

THE END

Hope it resonated!!

[fruityyamenrunner]

“why would i listen to someone "simply telling" me what words to use?”

….Because it's a necessary step for communication? Because in order to have language we at some point have to agree on a set of sounds to correspond to a given concept?

“in fact, i don't think I've ever seen a "definition" because every time I've seen someone telling me what words to use, it always comes with attached claims, like you easily identify with the dictionary example. if i ever happened to see a "definition" it might well be impossible for it to be wrong, but I don't expect to see one any time soon.”

You seem like someone who has probably done pure mathematics at some point in your life so I highly doubt you've never seen a definition in the purest sense.

The truth claim I identified in the dictionary example does not lie in the definition of horses, it lies in the context of placing that definition in a dictionary, which is an object with a use other than “contain any definition someone could hypothetically invent”. What truth claim do you think is made by using the combination of letters h-o-r-s-e to refer to the particular rideable animal it currently refers to as opposed to any other combination of letters? Is it wrong to also call a seahorse a seahorse because someone might think this implies a seahorse has more in common with that animal than it does?

"what's wrong about the horse definition isn't exactly "it's not the consensus". it's that i got the part of speech wrong and the description is of plasmodia. do you *really* think the most likely reason for the error is that i was trying, in some subtle, "implicit" way to assert consensus that horses are very small and cause malaria”

Yes, I can guess that you probably wouldn't actually have meant to assert that, in the same way that if you made a strange enough typo you might write a sentence I could guess you didn't mean to type. Nonetheless that is what you would be asserting by putting it in a dictionary, the same way your hypothetical typo'd sentence would still have a meaning you didn't intend. The definition is not consensus because someone could, hypothetically, have a personal vocabulary where they call horses plasmodia and plasmodia horses, and not be misled about any actual facts about the world as long as they understand that other people do it the opposite way around and remember to mentally translate every time they encounter the world - it would be an incredibly inconvenient and unusual personal idiosyncrasy but not technically wrong.

It is also ironic that you end your response by using what is clearly a completely personal and idiosyncratic definition of witchcraft and expecting others to understand you.

what irony? throughout this penny-excursion to Bedlam to see the Lunaticks (or rather, Plutoniacks) I have been consistently saying how a worldpicture and the meaning within it can be well disclosed by a purposeful, thoughtful, poetical use of terminology. That is exactly what I am doing! I am posting through a very specific persona, and this whole tumblr blog is a disclosure of a worldview.

You, on the other hand, are an anonymous grey ball. It is just as fitting that you - like the other grey balls I get from time to time who speak to me with a very familiar voice of Millennial Conscience by employing some stereotyped bit of social control (I am "not having a normal one", or am "yikes"worthy, or like your sibling in sphericity suggested of me earlier this week, that i "woke up today and decided to be...") and are appealing precisely above all to an "implicit consensus". You disclose a worldview of "reading the room". Social engineering simplified and operationalised so even shift managers can employ it... Vulgar...

Speaking of dull globes, that reminds me. Before those pictures were beamed back, this is what the best picture of Pluto was:

Do you recognise it? It's an anonymous grey sphere with black markings on it. Is it a cousin of yours? Is this why you have a fondness for the 2005 solar system picture?

[flipping-the-coin]

Optimus: when and how did you figure out your host was in love with megatron? How did you feel about that? What was it like discovering that? Why didnt Ratchet tell you about your past?

[[TRANSMISSION RECEIVED: SUBJECT = QUERY…. SCANNING…. 88% THREAT LEVEL ALPHA = CENSORING REQUIRED CATAGORIZATION: REROUTING…. SECONDARY SCANS COMPLETE: TRANSMISSION = 61% WITHIN PARAMETERES]]

[[TRANMISSION FORWARDED…. RECEIVED = SEEN]]

[[//RESPONSE IN PROGRESS… RESPONSE COMPLETE: TRANSMISSION SENT//]]

═════════════════

You have a great many questions anonymous one. I am... uncertain of how much I would like to share, but I will answer to the best of my abilities.

Regarding your first query, I was unaware that Orion and Megatron of Kaon were romantically involved until Orion took control of our frame during his stay on the Nemesis. I did not notice much during the war because of other issues that required my attention, but looking now I can see h█ge █ole█ █n my █e█o█y. I have all of Orion's memory within me, but grea█ █h█n█s a█e m█s█i█g, or rather kept from my view. Not only that, but now that my mind is not clouded by pain or fear, I can see just how... grim Orion's life was until he met Megatron. I was distracted at all times during the war, and thus most of the memories I used were of minor events, small instances and habits. They came in flashes along with barrages of data. Very rarely did I fully experience one of Orion's memories. With that in mind, I was totally unaware that Orion and Megatron were anything but brothers.

I see now how wrong that assumption was, but based upon what memories and flashes I was █llowe█ █o a█ces█, that was the extent of their relationship in my mind. That was part of the reason I never fully understood why Orion fought me so hard. Why would he risk everything for one mere companion? I know that up until I took in Bumblebee, I would have never given my life for one mere mortal. Of course that has changed now, but that was my mentality at the time. Now with that said, I was shocked beyond words to learn of their relationship through experiencing their... intimacy.

There is nothing I can imagine worse than having one's frame touched so intimately by one's worst enemy. I hated every moment on the Nemesis, I hated every touch that I could feel but do nothing to stop. I despised every kiss I gave no consent for. It was a torment, especially when they tried to merge.

Simply put, I was distraught, shocked, and horrified all at once. It was the harshest reality check I have endured so far. Learning of Orion and Megatron proved that all I fought for was not as I imagined it. Their love showed █h█t I w█s not nee█e█, t█a█ █y exi█ten█e w█s merely prolongi█g a w█r t█a█ █hould h█ve en█e█ █illen█i█ █go. At the time I could not process that truth, and so I did not change my course of action when I regained control. How could I when my whole life was built on the lie that Orion and Megatron were mere companions drawn apart by differing ideals? Thus, I endured agony and kept silent, trying not to think much of what I experienced. Even now I am not fond of thinking about it and the unwanted engagements on the Nemesis. I understand my host a little better now, but I still believe he was too harsh when it came to my minor interactions with Ratchet.

As for your last question... I have thought on it often myself. Ratchet is not a mech who would lie without reason. As such I can only assume he never told me of Orion and Megatron because he was of the belief that I knew. To my knowledge, me and my host were seen as one and the same until our separation. Ratchet likely thought that I had seen fit to move on from whatever ties I had to Megatron. He did not know that I was not Orion and that I had no idea how close my host and my foe really were. From there I can only guess it never came up because I never asked. I had no reason to question, not when I was constantly occupied.

I hope that answers your questions.

═════════════════

[[TRANSMISSION SENDER = OPTIMUS PRIME = PRIME OF CYBERTRON: LEADER OF THE AUTOBOTS: PRIMUS’S ANGEL: SAVIOR OF CYBERTRON: LOREKEEPER: SIRE]]

[[TRANSMISSION ENDS]]

[findmeabowlofundertale]

IT’S HERE, PART 5

MMMM the pacing and tone shifts are even worse but yknow what too diddly darn bad. As usual, this wasn’t meant to be so long, it got away from me, yada yada. But actually I’ve mentally worked out several plot things for… the distant future, and stuck some of them in here oh so cleverly. Like a sneaky snail. Ohohoho

…I am. So tired.

So I’ll probably edit this in the morning.

Edit: I did edit it.

Part 4 (prev), Part 6 (next)

- - - -

Alphys helped Asteri get Dr. Gaster to the couch. Despite Asteri being quite tall herself and therefore having furniture to match, he was even taller, and so his feet stuck off the one end. It didn't matter though, because he passed out almost immediately. (Despite his protests on the way to the living room.) That left the two women.

"I hope it's alright that you're away this long," Asteri worried aloud as they returned to the kitchen table. "I mean you don't have to stay, of course, but I assumed it might be a little strange to return to work sans your boss?" 

"Eheh, yeah... O-Oh! But if you, um, want me to go, I can! If you wanted it to be, uh, y-you know... Just you guys? When he wakes up?"

Asteri gave a dry smile and quirked an eyebrow. "What reason, exactly, would I have for wanting it to be just the two of us?"

Alphys' face went red, and she looked anywhere but at the shapeshifter. "W-W-Well!! Y-You know! If you... wanted to… talk…. a-about anything...?" She glanced back to Asteri, who looked tired but amused. "I-I-I don't know!!"

"Alphys, I'm not going to bo-- oh my god I can't believe I almost said that. I'm not going to sleep with your boss. I barely even know him."

The lizard monster sputtered in embarrassment at her apparent transparency for a few seconds before managing words. "W-Well I don't know! Y-You guys were all- all blushy and stuff earlier!"

"Because there was an embarrassing misunderstanding!" Asteri objected. As if to illustrate, it seemed the heat in her cheeks was returning again. "Other than that, there were a couple moments of emotional vulnerability that were necessary but still uncomfortable given the low level of familiarity between us." 

"...S-So you don't, um, h-have a... crush on--"

"I met him ONE other time, Alphys! Have you been reading romance novels or something?"

The way Alphys froze and the ensuing silence spoke volumes. 

"...I mean, no judgement." A beat passed. "He's not into ME though, is he?”

“I-! I don't... think so? I think he’s, um, I think he’s just happy to have a friend.”

Asteri smiled to herself. “A friend, huh? I can’t say I ever expected the Royal Scientist to think of me as a friend.”

A few thoughtful seconds passed before Alphys spoke. “M-Maybe that’s— um. A-Actually, n-never mind!”

“What?”

“N-No, it was kind of, um, r-rude, I’m sorry.”

“Well now you have to tell me.” Alphys looked uneasy, so Asteri smiled. “I won’t be offended, promise.”

Alphys sighed in defeat and fidgeted with her hands. “W-Well maybe, um. M-Maybe y-you keep- keep feeling like that, because, um... Do I have to say this??”

“Yes. Now I’m really curious.”

Another huff of resignation, followed by an awkward groan. “M-Maybe it’s b-because you… only, um. Only think of him like- like that? A-As “the Royal Scientist.””

Asteri made a thoughtful noise and leaned her chin on her wing.

“W-WHICH IS LIKE TOTALLY U-UNDERSTANDABLE!” Alphys hurried to add. “I-I-It’s really in-intimidating! I totally freaked out when I first met him! H-He’s this big, important figure who-who’s been around forever, s-so of course you wanna be, um, r-respectful, and stuff. But… I’ve worked with him f-for the last year, um, a-a little more actually, a-and he’s… really nice. H-He doesn’t treat anyone like- like they’re below him. Actually, he kind of? Does the opposite? He’s always in-incredibly careful with e-experiments that involve anyone else, but if he’s doing it by himself, half the time he won’t even wear safety gear unless someone reminds him. H-He listens whenever anyone has any concerns, he brings in snacks, he never yells at anyone— a-actually, I don’t think I’ve ever seem him mad, e-except maybe at himself? Everything he does is f-for the good of everyone else, to take care of us all down here. B-But… He doesn’t, um. H-He doesn’t really… have anyone to… take care of him? N-Not that he needs t-to be taken care of! He’s a g-grown monster! Obv-Obviously…”

“No, I know what you mean,” Asteri murmured. “Being alive so long must be… lonely. If all you have is taking care of others...”

She thought back to how he had mentioned that nobody asked him about skeleton history, or culture. How excited he was to share. If she stopped looking at it all through the lens of academia…

“He just doesn’t have anyone to talk to about his life, does he?”

“W-Well! Th-There’s us at the lab. B-But, um… no. He doesn’t… really talk, um, very much, about his life outside work.” She was quiet a moment. “I guess, m-maybe that’s why he… makes it his life.”

Asteri exhaled and slowly lowered her forehead to the table. “God, that’s so sad.”

She wasn’t pitying him. She wasn’t. But that was sad, that a person who had lived so long could give so much and receive so little. But it weren’t as if their… friendship (it really felt far too soon to call it that) so far were based on pity, or because she felt bad for him. No, the core of all of this was that he was extremely enjoyable to talk with. He was funny, too. Kind. Patient above all, answering her questions and explaining things thoroughly without ever being condescending. Their conversation at the donut shop was what she imagined it felt like when two gears fit together just so. A meeting of the minds, so to speak. Because, if she thought about it, if she took everything he had said as completely genuine, then it had been just as enjoyable to him. Come to think of it, it hadn’t felt like a superior trying to teach her something, even though he had taught her a number of things. It had felt like how she remembered college being, when she and her classmates would piece things together as they learned. It felt bright like that, warm like that. Their excitement built off each other’s. For as much as she had learned, with the way he spoke to her, the way he treated her, she felt like she had contributed just as much. She never felt stupid. Silly, maybe, but never lesser.

It was such a pleasant conversation that had she reflected on it this much before, she likely wouldn’t have been able to resist trying to call him, or at least emailing him. Which was why it was better, easier, to tell herself that it wasn’t genuine, just like all her colleagues. What a mistake that had been. If she set aside the fact that both of them were academics, and imagined that conversation between two people regular people, it was unquestionably the beginning of a potential friendship.

“Alright,” Asteri decided, lifting her head from the table. “That’s it.”

Alphys startled, voice fluttering as she shifted nervously in her seat. “W-What’s- What’s it?”

Asteri sat up straight. “I’m getting this man some friends. And I’m going to be one of them!”

The two seconds of silence were too long, and her face flushed blue-green.

“Not… sure where the sudden resolution came from,” she mumbled, hunching inward slightly. “That was weird. Ignore that.”

“N-No, it was cool!!” Alphys insisted. “Y-You’re like an anime character….”

That got a questioning (though not judgmental) eyebrow raise from the shapeshifter. This time Alphys blushed.

“W-Well, um! A r-really common, um, th-theme! Is! The- The power of, um, friendship. P-Plus! Y-You’ve got the colorful, spiky hair! Well, um, sort of. A-And, um… Uh. A-Actually that’s… mostly it. S-Sorry.”

Asteri smiled. Alphys seemed like a very earnest person. She liked that. “Don’t apologize. I said at the dump that I’d like to hear more about anime once we weren’t busy. We’ve certainly got time now, if you’d like to tell me more.” She gestured with the tip of her wing to the DVD cases and manga on still on the table. “Do you know these ones?”

Alphys looked like someone had just given her the key to breaking the Barrier. Those were the sparkliest eyes Asteri had ever seen on any monster, ever. And the biggest grin she’d ever seen on anybody with skin. “O-Oh my god, really?” she breathed with audible disbelief. “You really want to- to hear about it?”

“Sure! You’ve certainly listened to me enough today.”

“OMG, okay! S-So first you have to know a little about um, J-Japanese culture! I don’t actually know too much, because I haven’t found a lot of intact DVDs, or manga that hasn’t been totally waterlogged, b-but here’s what I do know…”

⁂

For the second time in two months, Asteri had a conversation that lasted until nighttime. Unlike in New Home, where sunlight from the surface did come through the Barrier in some places and indicated night and day, here in Waterfall it was always dark, save for the perpetual glow of the water, crystals, and mushrooms. The clock, however, was indicator enough. In the last several hours, Asteri leaned about: Samurai and ninja, magical girls, the Japanese system of honorifics (which had derailed into an intense linguistic interrogation for a while before returning to the original topic), cherry blossoms and their symbolism, why the eyes in the art were so big (windows to the soul, apparently, and more expressive than the mouth; having met a skeleton, Asteri felt inclined to agree), and a handful of popular Japanese foods.

She had also indulged Alphys by shifting into her best approximation of a few of the characters the younger woman had shown her pictures of. Alphys had squealed so loudly the first time that Asteri was surprised it didn’t wake Dr. Gaster. She decided to pass on the opportunity to make a joke about sleeping like the dead, given that she wasn’t actually sure on the origin of skeletons monsters, but had heard enough rumors to realize it probably wasn’t in good taste.

“So, on the surface, there’s enough water in one place to completely separate an entire society from another?”

“Y-Yeah! I can’t even- I can’t even imagine. I wonder if the ocean is like the lakes down here…”

Asteri made a face. “Which lakes, the glowing ones? Because if it glows and it’s that big, it would be so bright at night.”

Alphys hummed pensively, trying to recall whether the ocean had ever glowed in any anime she’d seen. “I don’t… think it does? The water that glows here does that because, uh, b-because of microorganisms, partly, b-but mainly all the leftover magic from us monsters. The same with a lot of- of the crystal formations. Th-That’s why the water in the dump doesn’t glow much; it’s coming right from the surface. I don’t think, um, very much stuff on the surface glows at all, actually. E-Except like lights a-and stuff.”

“Hmm, so no glowing oceans then… Wait, hold on. Are you saying that the water and stuff here glows because of dead people?”

“WHA-?! N-NO! I-It’s j-just ambient leftover magic, l-like from when bullets d-dissipate, or f-fire magic! Monsters t-turn to dust when they die, e-everybody knows that!”

“Right, but what’s the dust, if we’re made of magic, and magic dissipates over time?”

Alphys blinked. “W-Well, we’re actually just mostly made of magic, there’s a little bit of ph-physical matter, so— Oh my god.”

Asteri raised her eyebrows.

“Maybe the water does glow because of dead people.”

The horrified look on Alphys’ face made Asteri snort. “Well, if that’s the case, if the dust is the physical stuff, but our magic just kinda evaporates into the atmosphere and that’s the majority of the ambient magic, then dead people are also why the crystals in the ceiling and mushrooms glow, right?”

“W-Well the mushrooms… have some natural bioluminescence, I think, but… y-yeah,” Alphys answered weakly.

“Then…” Asteri smiled, lopsided but sincere. “Then isn’t it kind of nice that everyone we’ve ever lost is still around us, still with us? Even in the “stars”?”

Alphys stared, mulling that over. Then, she slowly broke into a smile. “Y… Yeah. Yeah, that is kind of a nice thought.”

Asteri shrugged her wings. “I mean, I’m not a biologist. I don’t know if it’s true, but it’s kind of what I like to believe.” She looked up at the ceiling of her house, as if seeing past it to the ceiling of the cave beyond it, and all the crystals embedded within.

“I-I’m going to ask about that, now. Th-There’s a few biology majors I share c-classes with.”

“Let me know if I’m right,” Asteri hummed. “But if I’m not, don’t say anything. Unless the truth is even nicer, somehow.”

“O-Okay! Will, um! Will do!”

The conversation returned to lighter things for a short while, until they heard a groan from the other room, followed by what might have been some sort of confused mumbling, then a soft thud. Both women rushed into the living room.

“D-Dr. Gaster! Are you okay??”

“Mmmmnnnghh…”

Alphys cringed slightly. “U-Um, we’re at Asteri’s house, remember?”

“Yeah, I should have left a lamp on in here,” Asteri apologized, wincing. “My bad.”

A couple seconds of almost tangible disorientation went by, then blue, slightly glowing hands appeared. “Since when are you on a first-name basis with Ms. Asteri? …And what day is it?”

Asteri chuckled as she found the light switch and flipped it on with her tail. “It’s the same—“

“You’ve been asleep for TH-THREE DAYS, sir!” Alphys flat out lied, doing a remarkably good job at sounding equally panicked and frustrated. “This is w-why you’ve GOT to take better care of yourself! W-We’ve all been so worried!”

Dr. Gaster immediately scrambled to his feet, eyelights flaring with yellow and purple as he gasped in abject horror. “It’s been WHAT?!”

“It has not been three days, it’s been a few hours,” Asteri corrected, sounding somehow both chiding and amused.

Alphys giggled behind her hands. She looked only a little remorseful.

His eyes faded back to normal. “Alphys…”

“T-To be fair, sir, I wouldn’t have been able to do that if you just slept every night.”

His cheekbones practically glowed red. Even so, he didn’t seem about to back down. “Every night?! That hardly gives me any time to work!”

“How about every other night, then?” Asteri offered. Both scientists looked to her like they had forgotten she was there.

“That does seem m-much more reasonable than what you do now,” agreed Alphys.

The skeleton crossed his arms, like he was sulking, and used the blue hands to sign instead. “I will consider it…”

“By the way, you’re welcome to call me by name as well, Doctor,” Asteri commented, recalling his waking question. “Just Asteri is fine.”

Though a bit taken aback at first, he soon broke into a smile, attempt at sulking already forgotten. “Just Asteri… In that case, please feel free to forego the honorifics on my part as well.”

She tilted her head. “Just call you… Gaster?”

He nodded. “I have told Alphys that she is free to do the same, but she insists. Some of the others at the laboratory do as well, but there is really no need for such formality. They know who I am.”

“I-It’s a respect thing, Doctor,” insisted Alphys.

He frowned slightly and blew air through his nasal cavity. “I don’t need my colleagues to call me “Doctor” to know that they respect me. Actions are far more important than words.”

Asteri smirked and raised an eyebrow. “Bold words coming from a man standing in a linguist’s living room.”

Gaster’s eyelights disappeared. If an exclamation point could be a facial expression, he would have had it right then. Alphys laughed into her hands. “She’s got you there, sir.”

“I meant—” He tried to backpedal. “Ms. Asteri, I meant no disrespect to your work! In the context—”

“Hey. Hey, relax. I’m teasing you,” Asteri cut in gently. “I’m not offended. I know what you meant.” His eyelights flickered back into existence. She smiled softly. “Sorry, I should probably go easy on that until we know each other better. I’ve been caught up talking to Alphys, so my tongue is a little sharp from the banter.”

“Oh.” He blinked, then slowly returned her smile. It was more grounded. The way he had smiled earlier today was excitable, like unraveling string, pulled taut and fraying. (Likely because earlier, he hadn’t slept yet.) But now it was softer. “I am relieved. I don’t mind the teasing, sometimes it just takes me a while to get the sense of it.”

“Having just woken up probably doesn’t help. But uh, about what you were saying before, I get it. About not wanting the people you work with to use titles. Words have power. So sometimes, it’s better to forego certain ones. They can be a shield, and if you want familiarity with someone, you can’t have a shield between you.”

“Yes.” Gaster straightened. “Yes! Exactly! That is exactly what I meant! How can we be fa— friends if they feel the need to restate their distance in every other sentence?”

Asteri didn’t miss the way he almost signed “family” instead of “friends,” and she doubted the younger scientist missed it either.

Alphys’ eyes widened at what he said. Evidently, she hadn’t realized he felt that way. “D-Dr. Gaster…” He looked to her, and she must have realized that she just called him “Doctor” again despite everything, because she flushed slightly. “Uh! I-If it’s— I mean, um, f-for me…” She shuffled closer and took a deep breath. “Y-You’re so nice to me! And! E-Ever since m-my dad… f-fell down, I-I’ve really missed talking with him. He always… always supported me. I used to, um, tell him about- about this kind of stuff. E-Engineering, and programming and…” She trailed off and shook her head, ignoring the way her eyes stung with the threat of tears. “H-He, um, he didn’t really get a lot of the m-more technical stuff, but he always l-listened. M-My mom was always busy, but-but he was s-so patient, and kind, a-and fun, and w-we were…”

She had kept trying to ignore the threatening tears, until it was too difficult and the emotion thickened her voice.

“We were really close,” was all she managed before her voice hitched, and she covered her mouth to swallow the feeling. “I-I’m sorry, th-this wasn’t supposed to turn into this!” She tried to hide it all with a laugh, and it did help her regain her composure some. “I-I-I didn’t mean to get a-all emotional, I just- I just wanted you to know that, u-um, I don’t k-keep calling you D-Doctor, and sir, b-because of… I-I’m not trying to, um…! It-It’s not that I…!” She swallowed the words she kept tripping over and screwed her eyes shut.

She took a deep breath.

“I-I can’t just call you Gaster b-because it’d be like calling my dad by his name!”

Alphys had her whole face covered with her hands. Gaster looked absolutely blown away. Asteri felt like she had just witnessed something extremely personal, but sensed that if she moved at all it would only draw attention to herself and make her presence more awkward.

Gaster stepped closer to the younger woman and gently set a hand on her shoulder. She peeked through her fingers, and he smiled at her, eyes full of hesitant warmth. “Alphys… You truly think of me like that?”

She nodded and glanced away, embarrassed.

But he beamed so brightly, so warmly, he looked like he might cry himself. His eyes burned green. “I have not had any family for a very, very long time. I have never wanted to overstep. But you are… like a daughter to me.”

They shared a meaningful look and then each made slight, unsure arm movements until they both managed to telegraph that the intention and desire for a hug was mutual. Alphys yelped slightly as she was pulled into it, evidently not expecting however it felt to hug a skeleton, but settled into it. Asteri smiled at the exchange. She had tried not to just stand there and watch, but it was difficult not to given the size of the room. It made sense why Alphys had had nothing but good to say about Gaster. Asteri didn’t doubt that it was all true, of course, but a young monster who was still grieving her father’s death, and subsequently found another father figure in her boss was bound to be a little biased. Not that this wasn’t absolutely tooth-rottingly sweet.

She glanced at the nearest clock. It was almost 8:00PM. Surely they were hungry; she certainly was. She and Alphys had only had a handful of snacks, they had been so busy talking. So while the two scientists hugged it out, Asteri slipped back into the kitchen and rummaged through her pantry and refrigerator to assess what she could make quickly. Gah, she really should have realized the time sooner. A box in her freezer caught her attention. Oh, that would work.

As she busied herself with dinner, she thought about her conversation with Alphys earlier about whether or not “the water glows because of dead people” and winced. Whoops. But… Alphys had seemed to appreciate her take on their loved ones who had died still being with them in the crystals and ceiling stars, and, yes, the glowing lakes.

She wondered how many people Gaster had lost.

A few minutes later, Alphys and Gaster stepped through the doorway into the kitchen, smiling. Asteri turned to greet them, but Alphys spoke first.

“Asteri I’m, um, I-I’m sorry… f-for almost crying in your living room. I didn’t- I-I didn’t mean to… do that.”

The shapeshifter turned and offered a reassuring smile. “Don’t sweat it, Alphys. It seems like you guys had a… good talk?”

They both nodded.

“You have been more than accommodating, Mi—” Gaster stopped halfway through signing “miss” and corrected himself. “Asteri. You tolerated me making a fool of myself multiple times, invited us to your home, made us tea, let me sleep on your sofa for—“ He checked the time— “almost six hours, and led me to having a touching conversation with Alphys. …Also in your living room. I cannot overstate my gratitude for your hospitality.”

Asteri smiled, a little shyly, and shrugged one wing, trying to be casual as she moved about the kitchen. Here went nothing. “Well, hey… what are friends for?”

His eyes widened, flashing pink. He went from surprised to touched instantly. “You would consider me a friend after everything?”

Her face warmed, just a bit, tail flicking slowly back and forth against the floor. “If you’d like to be.”

There was no misinterpreting a smile like that. “I’d be honored.”

She laughed, turning to rinse something off in the sink. “I don’t know if I can live up to being an “honor” to be friends with, but I’ll do my best.”

“Y-You’ll have to get better about sleeping if you’re going to start spending time with other people, you know,” Alphys murmured as she elbowed him. He chuckled guiltily.

“It seems so… Speaking of which, I am sure we have more than worn out our welcome. We should be on our way.”

Asteri turned all the way to face them and gestured behind her. “At least eat first. Please. I’ve got dinner in the oven, it’ll be done soon. I’m not going to make you two walk all the way back to the capital on empty stomachs.”

“Well, technically speaking,” Gaster began with a grin. Alphys groaned. “…My stomach is always empty.”

Asteri snorted a laugh. “You know what I meant. Sit, I’ll get the rest of that sea tea. It will be plenty cold by now.”

They did as asked, and made small talk as she finished cleaning up a few things.

“So, um, what are you making?” Alphys inquired.

“Just pizza. I had a frozen one. It’s just vegetables, I hope that’s alright.”

“Th-That’s fine with me!”

“Same here.”

As she pulled it out of the oven and set about cutting it, she started to wonder how, exactly, Gaster ate. Obviously with magic— monsters with less solid forms absorbed the food right after swallowing rather than have it go down their throat and into their stomach— not unlike herself. Sometimes her neck wasn’t even attached to her head or body. And her torso was in at least two separate pieces most of the time, more often it was in three. But how did Gaster even get to the swallowing step? She had never seen him open his mouth, even at the donut shop. It was like she happened to be looking away every time he took a bite. This time she was going to pay attention.

She dished up the pizza onto plates and handed it out, passing each plate to the table one at a time as her tail spanned the distance between there and where she stood at the counter. Once that was set, she finally sat down. Unlike when cooking with fire magic, the oven made food too hot to eat right away, so they had to wait. The anticipation was killing her. But they made conversation in the meantime.

“Now that everything has gotten sorted out,” Asteri began, looking to Gaster, “do you want to plan to get together again sometime? That way there’s no, uh… misunderstanding phone calls or the lack thereof?” She rubbed the back of her head guiltily with her wing.

“I would like that.”

“Maybe somewhere between here and New Home? That way neither of us have to travel the entire way.”

“I do most of my work at the CORE, or the laboratory in Hotland, so visiting Waterfall is no issue. I only ever go to the capital to meet with the king, or buy donuts,” Gaster explained.

Asteri and Alphys both gave him a look.

He looked back and forth between them and tugged at his collar. “And other… meals.”

“And to go home?” Alphys prompted.

Gaster’s cheekbones flushed with magic. “Yes, yes of course! Obviously that!”

“I am more than happy to meet wherever if it means not repeating whatever sleep deprivation led to you almost passing out at my kitchen table,” Asteri intoned.

He got even redder. “I… will endeavor to get more sleep. For the sake of friendship.”

She smiled contentedly. “Good. That’s all I ask.”

Alphys had started eating, so the pizza must have cooled off enough. Asteri took a tentative bite. Yes, perfect. In her peripheral, she saw Gaster move to pick his pizza up. Immediately, her eyes flicked up to watch whatever happened next.

…And then Alphys started coughing, which involuntary drew her gaze away. The other woman was fine, her sea tea just went “down the wrong tube,” fortunately. But when Asteri looked back to Gaster, his slice of pizza was all but gone.

Oh go figure.

She gave up after that. It didn’t really matter, and she was sure she would see him eat eventually. Just not tonight, apparently.

They set up a day and time to meet again. Alphys had her classes, but they hoped to include her another time. They also established that texting was likely the way to go for future communication, in order to eliminate Gaster needing someone to talk for him. With everything worked out, they finished dinner and Asteri bid the two of them farewell. She wished Alphys the best in her classes, and told Gaster to get some sleep, with the promise of meeting again in Hotland the following week. And then they were off, and that was that.

Now, after a pleasant but still long, emotionally draining day, Asteri could just rest. She was exhausted. Under the covers, she let the events of the day replay. The misunderstandings, especially, stood out, and she mentally patted herself on the back for getting through it all. Things like miscommunications were difficult, and required a lot of mental presence and fortitude to endure setting straight. If it weren’t for her parents, she would never have made it to this point in life. She missed them, but she thought of the comforting feeling of their magic around her and how she swore she felt it reflected in the stars that surrounded her here. She was grateful to her parents for many things, but today, she was especially grateful that they had inspired her to have so much

PERSEVERANCE

- - - -

NOTES:

HAHA YEEEEAAAAH, PERSEVERANCE! BET YOU DIDN’T SEE THAT COMING! Bet you thought it was gonna be kindness, with all the green. HEEHEEHEE

Anyway, yeah, several things here will come back later. ALSO I’M SO GLAD THE NAME THING IS OUT OF THE WAY, it was killing me to keep writing “Dr. Gaster” in the narration.

The part with Alphys’, uh, thing with Gaster and her dad just sort of. Happened. Also I copped out on the pizza scene because I realized a way better point in the story for Asteri to see how he eats. Heheh. But yeah, no, I know the end is rushed, but I am SO TIRED, and I wanted to get this finished tonight, so… yeah. I’m getting a bowl of ice cream and then going to bed, it’s 12:30.

Oh also Asteri almost said “bone” at the beginning, that’s why she cut herself off and said “sleep with” instead, lol

[sixtysixproblems]

coming back into internet existence after having a mental/physical breakdown is like:

I hate myself for vanishing for a week and a half but then I get So Much Content from my friends all at the same time. what do I do with these conflicting emotions. how do I express my love and remorse in something other than particularily long keymashes in response to their headcanons/writing.

why the fuck iS THAT ONE POST OF MINE STILL GETTING NOTES. WHY IS THAT O T H E R POST EVEN GETTING ANY AT ALL. anyways (magical girl transforms back to my normal Tumblr vibe) WHERE IS FUCKING CODY FILONI I AM COMING TO YOUR HOUSE AND I AM TAKING YOUR TEETH this is a joke legally this is a joke but give me Cody or you are eating your damn hat bucko

(proceeds to get a comment banned on insta for saying my ex should marry her racist white boy, kill him for the insurance, and blame it on lung cancer bc of his cigarette problem) the world is unfair and cruel, i'm going catatonic again

if one more person mentions I vote in like a month & am officially only half a year from 18 I am going to fucking kill myself. it doesn't matter that I haven't finished my fanfic WIPs & gone to all the national parks, that and my sister saying I don't get Skittles as a reward for simply existing will be my last fucking straw

(checks list of homework) (checks when my classes start again) (closes those tabs) nope it's a holiday not fucking with that (<---- really, really should be fucking with that)

(about to crawl back into my hole, checks groupchat) TRANS VISIBILITY DAY ON EASTER???????????

[anonymous-harpy]

So as a totally random post I finally feel comfortable/confident in saying that I'm most likely at least A e g o s e x u a l and I currently feel like L i t h r o m a n t i c covers my feelings on romance

And in my queer moment of "It all makes sense now" I actually understand why when I first got into fanfiction and fanfiction-adjacent content why I made OCs to ship with characters I liked

And also why when it came to reading fanfiction I never was able to actually visualize myself as the "Reader" insert. I would always read the (Y/n) [Your name] ect as LITERALLY being "Your name walked/did/said" sure the eye color, skin color and hair color i might mentally match to myself

But like

Hear me out

Depending on the personality the "Reader" character would have even those superficial details would change in my head to fit the personality.

And even when I used to write Insert Readers I always viewed the "Reader" as an actual character that fit the character I was simping for

ALSO THIS FREAKING EXPLAINS WHY WITH ONE CHARACTER there was a vicious drought of content so I broke down and read a OC/cannon and guess what? Aside from the writing being better than the average "written by a teenager" garbage I was accustomed to I just REALLY enjoyed it because it wasn't another "Reader" but a genuinely fleshed out character

So like... I used to write Insert Readers and then started drifting back to OCs. And now with the fanfiction I've been writing all did one "Reader" character in a non-romantic fic and I think I was halfway through it when I realized "i don't like reader characters" and I was so confused but I finished it because damnit I liked that fic (never again, not even for non-romance. There's just going to be an "Alex" for every situation now) As far as reading Insert Readers i just do the same thing I used to- I don't REALLY envision myself there, I don't even try and guess guess what? I enjoy them even more now!

Heck I used to L O V E shipping fics the best! I still do! And this just EXPLAINS everything for me! At least with fanfiction

So am I mourning that I'll probably not have a "typical" relationship if any?

Well kinda. It is a little saddening to think I'll probably be alone since I'd always be told "Maybe one day you'll find someone to be your partner like us" my parents always referring to one another as a team, but at the same time I'd already crossed this bridge before when I first believed I was possibly Demi-sexual, then gray-sexual- and I doubted that anyone I'd meet would tolerate a spiceless romance

Besides, I realize barely have the energy and desire for maintain friendships let alone a romantic one!

I'm up for a queer platonic relationship, just... No smooches or romance. Only fanfiction and garlic bread in this house ZD

And I noticed the majority of this post is focused on my Ace status

Welp, the romantic thing is just... Idk a work friend just moved out of her plumb full family home and into an apartment and no more than a week had passed before she got a boyfriend. I don't know or care if they're doing any funny business (i don't ever want to know either), but just the idea that he's spending the night at her apartment- because she told me that's happening- and theb that they've seen each other EVERYDAY since they made themselves an official couple- I cringe. It's insane. I cannot fathom it and yet it's... Normal for people to start dating a month or two after MEETING each other? Sleeping together on the third date (haha, old fashioned and such a lie I don't believe anymore 😐)?

Maybe I am just old fashioned but... Fuck I don't even feel comfortable letting a "damn" slip from my mouth until I've interacted with another human being for a month.

That's why I like my fanfiction and Roman novels. I'll buy the speed dating there, but no in real life.

In other news- I've set a personal commitment to myself to keep writing layered romances and queer platonic relationships (I don't think I've written the ladder but I intend to goshdarnit) both in my fanfiction and in my novels! I don't care how I have to present it to a publisher I'll eventually take the to to go "Oh! This is an ace romance, this person is actually Aromantic, ect"

I want more awareness of Ace and Aro spectrum individuals! You are all valid! You are not broken! You are human and have a right to not be pressured to conform to the expectations placed on you. And just because your on the spectrum and maybe feel a desire for romance or intimacy, that doesn't means you're not stil Aro or Ace, it's a spectrum after all. I know what a crush feels like, but I don't want the feelings reciprocated. That doesn't invalidate me from being on the Aromantic spectrum though.

[tabsters]

a-z with the zodiacs

aight so quick PSA:

i'm going back to america in a couple days!! yay!! but that means I'm going to have like. barely any time to write actual lore cause I need to pack and check passports and do other important things. and I also need to finish up my rewrite of lmk from macaque's perspective and do other stuff when I get back to america. so until I get my shit together, I present memes.

but don't worry!! I'll be working on a super fucking long lore post, probably my longest post yet, and it's a comprehensive guide to every form of magic in the zodiacverse. surely, 17 hours of time in the airplane will be enough to finish it. hopefully.

anyway @mythicalmagical-monkeyman enjoy the lols

previous posts are here

A is for: "Aaaaand back to your regularly scheduled mental illness!" -Gemini B is for: "Babygirl, noooooooooo." -Ophiuchus C is for: "Caprisun! My favorite wife!" -Taurus D is for: "Dominance can be achieved by stepping on your enemy and laughing maniacally." -Scorpio E is for: "Every time I come by here, I see you shoving your tongue down my sister's throat." -Cetus F is for: "FUCK! MY TOXIC CHEMICALS!" -Aquarius G is for: "Good job, you finally did the deed. You want a medal, for being the biggest dumbasses I've ever seen?" -Scorpio H is for: "How does it feel, being cockblocked by the entirety of southern California?-" -Leo I is for: "I'M GOING TO PLAY PING-PONG WITH YOUR TESTICLES!" -Gemini J is for: "Just please don't set anything on fire while I'm gone." -Cancer K is for: "Killing your rivals via stabbing them in the heart is overrated." -Pisces L is for: "Lore Olympus? You still read that shit? Disappointing." -Capricorn M is for: "Malewife Leo! Malewife Leo!" -Libra N is for: "No, no, no. I'm not implying that kpop is shit. I'm telling you that kpop is shit. NO DON'T KILL ME-" -Sagittarius O is for: "Oh noooooo, your sanity! It's gone! Where did it go!!" -Pisces P is for: "Pomegranate? It's like...it's like the cocaine of nature, right?" -Taurus Q is for: "Quirky little wild child, that's what you are." -Cancer R is for: "Raise the dead and have conversations with them. Try it." -Capricorn S is for: "Stop trying to be an anime character, Gemini." -Virgo T is for: "Three letter abbreviations always sound like STDs." -Leo U is for: "Uber drivers take one look at me and think I'm going to threaten them into taking me home." -Aries V is for: "Virgo, I tell myself, resist the urge to slap everyone." -Virgo W is for: "Why bother buying a stove when your boyfriend can set shit on fire?" -Libra X is for: "X-RAYS DO NOT SEE THROUGH YOUR BONES, ARE YOU INSANE?!" -Aquarius Y is for: "Your Asian privileges have been revoked. They're mine now." -Sagittarius Z is for: "Zebras are living barcodes." -Aries

anyway all of these are canon. i am god and i said so.

questions about my lore are greatly appreciated!!

[loveandmyconsecratedwhispers]

OCD

The sun is too bright and I feel light all over my head and somehow in my bones.

“I’m so weird… This is so uncomfortable,” I think to myself.

Mental review starts:

It’s the cycle,

the scene: the moment, the feeling, the guilt, the shame, the secret,

the dirt.

“Gross…” I think, I feel.

*spelling “gross”*  

“G-r-o-s-s…S, gross… G-r-o-s-s… gross, gross, gross, g-r-o-s-s… STOP!”

I finally snap out of it but subconsciously I’m still spelling the word.

I think to myself how tired I am, that I feel like I’ve been carrying a weight for years that 

exists tangibly in my head

and all over.  

*stares at the cracks of light coming through the curtains*

“What is this whole thing about? Who am I?” I think again, as I consider why my body and brain feel so disconnected.

I decided to take the happy pills. Two days ago, with a blessing I swallowed it down deep in my belly.

“I’m a mother… I-apostrophe-m-a-m-o-t-h-e-r… muh-ther”

“Why did God choose me to be her mother? Will she suffer like me?” I can’t turn it off, the questions roll in and tears roll down my cheeks.

It’s a fight every single day, from morning to evening. I began to recognize the cycle at a young age, but

recognition is just a thing.

the problem persists.  

Is this my thorn? Will people believe I love Jesus if I feel crazy too?  What happens to the crazy people? Where do they go?

*avoids all thoughts of hell before the sticky thoughts start messing with my breathing*

(It’s like anxiety perpetuates the conviction of truth in the thoughts, even though I can logistically, methodically reason my way out of that every time.)

“I have not eaten a real meal today… maybe that’s why I feel so ‘who am I?’”  I’m thinking but quickly I remind myself that it’s OCD and always has been. Even when you eat the meal, drink the water, have the bible time…  You are setoff by the smallest annoyance of sound, noise… Someone breathing the wrong way. I know these things and I spend all my moments trying to adjust, adjust, adjust, so that no one is impacted by my shortcomings?  And we all knew It was OCD. 

(Not the “everything in order” kind... Although that is someone else’s sticky kind of OCD that drives them to the same knee.) 

“Is it possible to desire to be lovely, love, joyful, a joy, giving, and a kind person while accusing yourself daily? 

Convincing maybe.

It is possible to desire it enough to be well and have it your way?” I question myself.

*checks phone*

“What am I doing here?”

“I feel so tired.”

“T-i-r-e-d.”

“I need sleep.”

“How do I have so many feelings and no words to understand them?  I strive so much…too much.”

*feels a deep desire to be with family, like I’m missing my mother but she is still here*

I need to sleep.

[henriiiii-1001old]

Actually I'm gonna send another au ask (I hope u don't mind XD) I kinda wanna know whats up with "Spider Puppet" (the design rules so much) and also any other fun facts you have about AltThatcher/Puppet from Unholy Gift?

NO I DONT MIND AT ALL

ALSO H E L L Y E A H SPIDER PUPPET!!!!!!

his name is technically "the puppeteer" because haha symbolism CFVGBHN

so fun fact about puppet, he was made to not be able to have any sort of weird flaws other than his pure form. however, overtime puppet just got like. reeeaaally pissed at gabriel because half the time he's not even in full control of himself. he is literally a puppet to gabriel.

so he just bottled up a lot of anger, and his spider form didn't truly emerge until ruth escaped. so he was just extra pissed at that point. so pissed to the point he grew his hair slightly longer and formed 4 extra arms and 6 more eyes. anger issues paired with technical daddy issues can do a lot to a man SDCFVGBH

but he can use his extra limbs to climb walls and shit so that's cool. and fucking freaky. LIKE. F R E A K Y. ESPECIALLY SINCE HE LOOKS LIKE A VERY FUCKED UP THATCHER WHILE DOING IT.

and oooooo fun facts!!!! :DDDDD

was made by gabriel to be a sort of "perfect alternate". he would have no flaws when mocking a person's appearance, making him the least detectable and would only be able to further gabriel's plans. this however backfired when he realized that puppet couldn't actually mock personalities and for the fact that puppet eventually tried overthrowing him. whoops.

is associated with the color pink!!! specifically a dark pink to contrast thatcher's lighter green color. also to be complimentary to ruth's yellow while still contrasting by being assigned a darker color.

was actually the alternate that made cesar kill himself. and since cesar's conversion to becoming an alternate, they have been literally best friends. cesar takes a lot of his personality from puppet.

was ALSO one of the alternates that played a part in mark's death. he was the one shot by mark too. the technical real cesar was there too, but he just did the voice stuff as well as the phone call to lure mark to the torres house.

this is probably gonna be taken out of context by proshippers so listen to me VERY CLOSELY. he THOUGHT that he had a crush on ruth for a while. i just think this is a funny concept so it's here. DO NOT TAKE THIS AS ME TRYING TO SHIP!!!!! they would be in an EXTREMELY ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP IF THAT WERE THE CASE, in which they technically ALREADY ARE due to puppet literally mentally, emotionally, and physically tormenting ruth by keeping her in her own home without any means of escape without some sort of very cruel punishment. PLEASE PLEASE do not take this the wrong way.

continuing from the last one since i hopefully set that straight: puppet probably went to six all like "BRO IM IN LOVE HELP WHAT DO I DO" and six is just like "um. idk man you're not supposed to feel that stuff. and i haven't felt love since i became an alternate lmao gl w that". he does eventually realize it was only a weird side feeling of being obsessed with becoming thatcher, so he was probably just like "i must be besties with her or else i am not thatcher, but i am him so i'll be fine" and he just completely misread his own feelings. mostly because he's not supposed to have them but yeah :/

kinda hates tiffany. they only hang out with each other bc they cannot tolerate any of the other alternates other than cesar and adam. so they kinda just deal with it LMAO

his hair is kinda supposed to look like horns!!! like lil devil horns :DDDDD yes i took that straight from my old william design shut up CFVGBHNJ

uuhhh yeah that's kinda it for now! i hope you enjoy as another alt thatcher fan :3c

[goldemas1244]

Bonus Headcanoon (just for fun)!

Zhask is capable of learning any language as long as he's heard the words being spoken before. Of course, this also means that he's an audio thesaurus. Learning by sound and association.

Just don't show him the text or ask him to write something down, he can't bloody read. He doesn't even know the letters.

But of course he CAN learn. Usually by digging deep into the brains of other people. But he and Yve had had an agreement not to do that unless if the situation needs it direly (like when they're about to die with very important information). Of course that usually never happens so he's stuck with scratching his (and Jawhead's) noggin with the ABCs.

Sample dialogues:

"What do you mean it's spelled with a C and a B? The noise is K and M! Why is it spelled C R U M B but sounds like K-RUM??"

- Learning his Cs, Ks, and silent letters.

"Why are there spelling differences. You're telling me that if I spell it according to a different region's spelling it's wrong systematically??"

- Learning the spelling differences depending on where you come from.

"Are there 24 letters? 25?? 26??? How are we still so confused about this????"

- Dude I don't know either man.

"We never had this problem on Kastiya."

- Grampa.

"Back in my day if we couldn't think we had to spend an hour mental training. You mean to tell me you children get put into a corner?? No I will no- fine I'll go to the corner and think about my pitiful life choices."

- Grampa recalls the good ol' days.

"Oh you're giving your peculiar letters to my Kastiyan words now aren't you. Yve, we talked about this, Kastiyan stays Kastiyan."

- It's slightly offensive to him. He'll grow into it.

"Speaking of, HOW THE FUCK DO I EVEN SPELL YOUR NAME??? Y E E V? E V E?? E E V??? Oh wait it's Y V E okay Y V E.... Who named you???"

- What we all thought of except backwards.

"Zhask. Z H A S K. That's clear enough. Why can't you have a name like mine YVE?"

- Well-placed sass is a sign of a healthy mind.

"Spell C A T. Oh I am not going through this again. C A T. Oh that was right? OH THANK GOD-"

- Achievement!

"Shaloshta (mom/mother)... I want to go home... I'm scared... there's a Q...."

- Learning of the existence of Qs and queues.

"THERE'S DIFFERENT LETTERS???"

- Learning that no, not everybody uses the same set of letters on this planet too.

And the list goes on....