#meteorologist thor

[yellingmetatron]

@asgardianhammer

Finding each other has been... rewarding. And almost certainly confused a number of meteorologists.

It's night now, and clear. Languidly entangled, Metatron strokes Thor's hair as the god rests his head on the angel's chest, beard rough against bared, sun-kissed flesh. Fuck, how many people can say Thor has rested his head on their chest? He strokes the god's soft mane with easy reverence.

The spontaneous encounters have been good-- more than good. But clearly not enough. Never enough. And as Metatron is habitually the less accessible...

"So. Stormshine." The archangel gives the pliant god a nuzzle to bring him back to reality. "This... thing we have. I want more of it. More often. This may be a formality, but fuck it, sometimes I'm formal: Do you want... regular access to me?"

Yes, he already knows the answer. But as he said, the formality can be important.

[hglog]

Storm-Chosen

You are a champion of a great god of storm.

Skills (d4): 1. Mystery cultist 2. Meteorologist 3. Gladiator 4. Preacher

Starting items: Divine Weapon, jar of rainwater, telescope, lightning rod, 60ft of copper wire

A: Thunder and Lightning, Divine Weapon

B: +1 Bolt, +1 Boon

C: +1 Bolt, +1 Boon

D: +1 Bolt, +1 Boon, +1 Boon from any god

Δ: Perkwunos

Thunder and Lightning: You have 2 Bolts.

Throw one directly at a creature to deal 1d12 lightning (electric) damage and paralyze it for a round. Throw one at a creature's feet to deal 1d12 thunder (sonic) damage and deafen it unless it saves. Throwing a Bolt is very, very loud.

When a god casts down lightning from the sky, if you're there to catch it, you replenish all your Bolts. You still take all the damage and ill effects of being struck by lightning. Each god has their own safer way of giving you Bolts, too.

Divine Weapon: Choose a god. Your god grants you a Divine Weapon. When you strike with it, you may choose to deal lightning (electric) or thunder (sonic) damage instead the weapon's normal damage type.

Boons: Each god has 4 Boons which you can take in any order.

DODOLA, bringer of fertile storms in the dry summer:

Divine Weapon: Longbow

You regain 1 Bolt each sunrise as long as you remain in Dodola's favor. Dodola wants you to seek out and help farmers in need.

Instead of relying on your throwing arm, you can fire Bolts with any ranged weapon.

When you hear thunder strike, you learn everything about the storm it came from and can see from a bird's-eye view underneath its clouds for the duration of the sound.

You may strike the earth with a Bolt to cleanse it of any poisons or impurities and fill it with nutrients ideal for growing a crop of your choice.

Learn a thunder, lightning, or water themed spell. You may spend your Bolts as d12 magic dice to cast it. On doubles and triples, you're struck by lightning.

SUMMANUS, secret god of nighttime thunder:

Divine Weapon: Axe

You regain 1 Bolt each sunset as long as you haven't told anyone of Summanus's gifts to you. In addition, Summanus may speak to you in your dreams and give you quests - completing one of these restores all your Bolts.

You can pass yourself off as a follower of the much more socially acceptable Jupiter to those who hate and/or fear your god.

If you touch a creature who doesn't see you, you may spend a Bolt to silently inflict its effects upon that creature.

Creeping slowly in pitch blackness, your senses of touch and hearing allow you to tell if anything around you moves.

Did you know people's brains are full of lightning? Touch someone's forehead and spend a Bolt to make them forget the last hour.

RAIJIN, wild warrior born from the underworld:

Divine Weapon: Drum (club + shield)

Regain all your Bolts by eating from the corpse of a creature killed by lightning.

By beating your Divine Weapon in a 30-minute ritual, you can summon a storm.

If you would deal lightning or thunder damage to a creature weak to that damage type, you may immediately strike it with a Bolt.

Spend a Bolt to call up a great gust of wind that pushes any creatures you can see 10 feet in one direction.

When you die, your god's lightning courses through your veins and nervous system, returning you to life. Permanently lose all class features, all your remaining Bolts become d12 hit dice.

THOR, protector of the gods and slayer of giants:

Divine Weapon: Hammer

Regain 1d4 Bolts by accepting a one-on-one combat challenge and winning it. A simple wrestling match with a party member is sufficient, but your opponent has to actually be trying to win - no cheating.

You may spend a Bolt to roll a d12 and add its result to your Strength or Charisma for a turn.

You can grapple a creature of any size as though it was the same size as you.

You can see through any illusion or glamour, and tell if a creature is shapeshifted or polymorphed.

When you score a critical hit with your Divine Weapon, one ally you can see gains a temporary Bolt which they can use in the next hour any way you could.

PERKWUNOS, the first storm-god, he who impregnated the primordial soup

Δ Prerequisites: A, B, C, and D templates, you must have sustained 1,728 lightning damage without dying, you must have killed your god (killing a god is impossible)

Divine Weapon: Spear

You receive 1 Bolt each midnight and have no maximum number of Bolts. (Being struck by lightning gives you 5 Bolts.)

You recieve ALL of Perkwunos's Boons:

Gain all the Boons of your original god, and one Boon from each other storm god.

You are immune to lightning and thunder damage.

Your Bolts instantly kill creatures with fewer HD than you.

Whenever you see lightning strike (including your own Bolts) you may teleport to the point where it struck.

[hjbender]

News anchor/journalist Loki and meteorologist/storm chaser Thor AU

They are forced to work together to make a year-long documentary series on catastrophic weather, particularly tornadoes.

They could not be more different. Loki lives in the city in a nice high rise apartment; Thor lives in a camper and has no permanent address. Loki enjoys quiet, orderly atmospheres, a cup of tea and a book, modern jazz. Thor enjoys atmospheres that are exploding with lightning and thunder, takeaway meals and energy drinks, and classic rock.

They are night and day. 

They spend an entire spring in the American Midwest, crammed together in Thor's armored, tornado-proof SUV, chasing storms, witnessing the destructive forces of nature, and nearly getting killed a few times. It's the most unbearable, exciting time of Loki's life. 

He finds Thor offensively handsome but far too reckless and unstable. A pity, really; he’s got a good heart, a nice body, and he’s single (and proudly, openly bi). He’s the ideal man... or the perfect storm, in Loki's case. 

Thor thinks Loki is too “high-maintenance” and uptight (but still pretty cute). If only he would loosen up a bit, they might get along better. He teases him, but Loki just blushes and looks the other way, muttering things like “Let’s just focus on doing our jobs, shall we?” 

The sexual tension builds but neither one dares to make the first move, convinced that they’re both completely incompatible with one another. And really, where could this go? They live in two separate worlds. One has his head in the clouds, the other has his feet firmly on earth. 

After a dangerously close call with an EF-4 tornado one day, Loki gets out of the SUV, declaring that he's going to hitchhike back to the city because he can't bear another moment of... this.

It's a half-lie. He just wants to see if storms are the only thing Thor will chase.

Thor indeed chases after him in the pouring rain, apologizing and promising not to be so reckless. Loki marches on. Thor catches him by the wrist and pulls him into his arms.

Against a backdrop of churning purple clouds and lightning flashes, they kiss each other ravenously.

That night they end up in a little motel on the Oklahoma/Kansas border, drying their clothes and having marathon sex while keeping one eye on the radar, just in case.

Thor, for all his wildness, proves himself to be a tender lover. Loki is the wild one in bed.

A year later, the documentary ends up being a huge success, mostly because of the two co-hosts who complement each other. They make a good team.

The series wins several awards and the producers ask Thor and Loki if they would be willing to do another season or two.

By the time Season 3 of Thunder Chasers rolls around, Loki is wearing jeans and baseball caps, Thor is listening to jazz, and they have a shared “battle cry” when they begin chasing a storm.

Oh, and their wedding rings have lightning bolts and storm clouds etched on them, too.

🌩️

[crazedhopelessromantic]

Here they are!! Veu long post

Anomalous:

Mx. Sparkle - SCP 18940.

Bake till you drop! SCP 26827 +  "Cookie" (April Ventana) - SCP 26827-1.

Jam - SCP 19663

"Night" - SCP 26392.

"Milk Maid" - SCP 662-B [Serpents Hand].

Yuri - SCP 72974 [missing]

Alexander King - SCP XXXX-1

"Crystal" SCP XXXX-1-A

Glitch - SCP XXXX-2

Misha - SCP XXXX-3

Castiel - SCP XXXX-4

Kristen - SCP XXXX-5

Jackson - SCP XXXX-6

Theodore - SCP XXXX-7

Jake - SCP XXXX-8

GOI, Channel 707:

Meteorologist: Terri.

News Anchor: Marcus.

News Anchor: Regan.

Storm Chaser: Brianna.

Storm Chaser: Steven.

Reporter: Jasmine.

Reporter: Pati.

Camera man: Saul.

Camera man: Parker.

In studio camera man: Russel.

Captions: James H.

Hacker: James H.

Getaway: Yuri.

Personnel:

Psychologist: Anne L. Evans. (O5-3 "The Lover"/"The Sympathiser" )

Receptionist: Heather D. (Douglas)

Trainee: Heather C. (Courter)

Trainee: Heather M. (Mortine)

Psychologist: (Nayaka) Kenji Evans.

Medical Doctor: Andrew J. August.

Researcher: Holden L. Myers.

Researcher: Sasha L. Long.

Scientist: Matthew S. Evans Morgan.

Engineer: Cindy T. Evans Reamon

Agent: Theodore "Thor" Sawyer.

Agent: Auben C. Metal.

Agent: Michael Roosevelt [GOC].

Director: Cloud.

Head of Ethnics Committee: Allison Q. Evans.

Custodian: Aljia.

O5-12 (The Sailor)

O5-8 (The Slayer)

Extra:

Olivia - Anne's Mother.

King [REACTED] - Anne's Father (RIP).

Charlie - Anne's oldest brother (RIP).

Malachi - Anne's other older brother (RIP).

Jessica - current UnLondon Monarch.

Duke (Vampire) - Anne's past Lover.

Jackson Prince - Anne's first husband (Ghost).

Adrian Evans (Werewolf) - Father of Cindy and Matthew (RIP)

Shawn Morgan - Matthew's husband

Akidai Reamon - Cindy's Wife

Amber - Cindy's daughter

Lily - Cindy's Daughter

Guy - Matthew's son

May - Matthew's daughter

June - Matthew's Daughter

Hailey - Andrew's ex-wife

Xavier - Andrew's eldest (son)

Dolly - Andrew's second (daughter)

Mavis - Andrew's youngest (son)

Jane May - FBI

Harley Jones - FBI

Liam Nguyen - CIA

David May - CIA

[bedlamsbard]

580 words written today, and various school things (term starts next week).  I didn’t feel as frantically unfocused today as I’ve felt the past few weeks, so that was nice, actually?  I’d’ve liked to have hit that on a weekday and not a Saturday, but it is what it is.  Going back to Morning 5 to get it straightened out so I don’t end up in another situation like I did with Crown, where I kept putting off the edits until it was two years later and I couldn’t move forward until I did the edits.

Snippet from Morning 5 (Frigga’s nexus event flashback).

It’s a skirmish.  Nothing to fear.

The words rang in Frigga’s head with the grim, unrelentingly certainty that her husband was entirely wrong. She fought for an instant with the desire to run after Odin and remind him that one of them was the goddess of clairvoyance and one of them was not.  She might have done just that if it hadn’t been for Thor’s paramour and the precious burden the little mortal woman bore inside her.

Damn clairvoyance anyway, she thought, snatching a sword from one of the einherjar as she led Jane away from the public areas of the palace and up towards the Residency.  She had her own weapons in her rooms, but her precognition – indistinct on the details just now, but certain that there was something more going on – told her that she might need a blade before she had a chance to reach them.

“Do you still have prophets on your world?” she asked Jane. “Seers?”

“They’re mostly frauds, I think,” Jane said, sounding a little startled by the question. “Or meteorologists.  But we don’t call them seers.”

“Hmm.  Lucky.  And a shame. I once spent a great deal of time with the witches of your world.”

Jane blinked. “I don’t think we have any witches.  Any more, I mean.  Real witches? Humans can do magic?  Or – used to be able to, I guess?”

Frigga smiled despite her nagging sense of wrongness.  “Indeed. I’ve found that humans can be quite capable in their own way.  I believe that both of my sons have learned that as well.”

[boop-le-snoot]

Firstly, congratulations beautiful! I love you ❤️

I’ve never done one of these so let’s see how it goes,

I’m a 26 year old female, in love with animals, sunsets and nature hikes. Perpetually in awe of stunning skies and a sucker for thunderstorms. Painting and dancing are therapeutic for my anxiety and I’m a very good listener.

Sail my ship with one of our MCU hotties, won’t you?

I ship you with...

Thor!

I feel like he would absolutely enjoy your creativity, more often than not asking you to teach him whatever hobby you have hot going on that week. He may not be the most verbally astute partner but he'd find other ways to make sure you know he loves you. Thor is always up for an adventure and while you're a strong woman, it's nice that you can lean on him when it gets tiring to be strong all the time. Thor would appreciate your femininity and be your number one hype man.

Bonus: Thor would be very happy to summon rain/thunder in command for you despite all the meteorologists going on social media to complain about "Thor being at it again, can Mr. Stark tell him to cut it off, he'll put us out of a job!"

[shieldedbythunder]

Please consider: Reporter Steve and Field Meteorologist Thor ☔️⚡️. Steve gets worried about the dangers Thor puts himself in while out in the field while Thor's bigger worry is keeping his God of Thunder identity hidden. One time, they get both stuck reporting outside together and the weather takes a turn. They head to a nearby storm shelter but Steve realizes they're "mysteriously" protected. Cue some Talking and confessing while they're waiting the storm out and maybe some first kisses 😘.

Awww, this is so cute! I really love a good Lois and Clark dynamic.

I can imagine Steve as a reporter being really interested in reporting on the God of Thunder, always trying to track him down and get the scoop on this alien protector’s origins. So when the truth comes out and it turns out that he’s been chasing after his crush in the meteorology office all this time, they share a bashful laugh as they try to dry off in the shelter.

Thor’s a little nervous about his secret being out. But as he tells Steve the whole story, about his banishment and his decision to stay on Earth as its protector, he finds himself relaxing more and more, enjoying the conversation. Outside of Jane, Darcy, and Selvig, it’s been hard to make connections on Earth, his secret usually meaning he has to keep people at arm’s length. But it’s nice, finally getting to talk to the cute reporter who’s been so doggedly on his trail all this time. Ears burning, he says he could tell Steve more about all this over dinner some time, Steve’s smile enough of an answer as they kiss, shy and unsure at first, but no less sweet.

In the months that follow, Steve maintains his coverage of the God of Thunder’s heroics, keeping the truth to himself  while delivering just enough information on the Thunderer and Asgard to keep the minds of the public at ease and on the mysterious hero’s side. That’s not the only thing that have people at the office talking, though; everyone notices Steve’s soft smile, the fond look in his eyes whenever they cut to Thor's reports out in the field. It’s so nice that the two of them finally got their act together, everyone says whenever Thor picks up Steve from the office for another date. And granted, sometimes those dates get cut a little short when the God of Thunder is needed to fend off another cosmic threat, but Thor has his ways of making it up to Steve after ;)

[almost-correct-quotes]

Thor unconsciously makes small thunderstorms when emotional. The avengers have gotten many a complaint from meteorologists and weathermen for making them look bad.

[beccarooni]

Thor's powers HC

(A.N: I'm in love with the idea of Thor losing control of his powers a little bit with his emotions, so I thought I'd put some of my thoughts down for y'all 🔨⚡)

Thor's always felt things...strongly. at least in comparison to Midgardians. He laughs loudly, he cries loudly, and generally is an open book. Of course, there are a few things he keeps under wraps- being trained for ruling a nation taught him that- but mostly with his friends he's open.

That being said, his powers do tend to fluctuate in regards to his emotions. This leading the team to coming up with increasingly insane solutions to deal with this.

It's always fairly obvious if Thor's watched a sad movie, because it'll immediately start raining outside.

There's a running joke around the team that meteorologists hate Thor because of how much he messes with weather patterns

He gets a mug out of this, though. Drinks from that "the weatherman is my nemesis" cup every damn day

Happiness and excitement is tied in with it as well- little sparks flying from his hands when he tells stories or talks about something he's passionate about

When he spent his first valentine's Day on earth with Bruce, Tony made sure to back up all his online files. Just in case

After a particular incident, Thor always tries to keep these light shows under wraps, and eventually takes to carrying a miniature lightning rod with him.

Camouflaging it into his outfits is a little bit difficult- he puts it in his hair, pockets, attaches it to his belt

"Hey Thor, cool necklace!"

"Thanks, it's a lightning rod attached to a piece of string."

On the day that Bruce proposed, Pepper found Tony sprinting around his lab at 3 in the morning, powering up every backup generator he had

"what the hell are you doing"

"BRUCE IS PROPOSING TODAY"

"and?"

"AND THORS DEFINITELY GOING TO CRY"

"well, it is a marriage proposal, that tends to happen"

"I HAVE LIKE 50 ONGOING EXPERIMENTS THAT I HAVENT SAVED"

"...DEAR GOD"

But, Thor does always like to help out his friends with his powers when he can, from conjuring rain ambience to help them sleep to high fiving Tony mid battle in order to power up his suit

He also likes to conjure rain when he makes a Dramatic Return™ but that's just for the atmosphere

"you can't just change the weather predictions because you want to recreate that scene from the notebook"

"listen, you don't have all the facts"

"which are"

"I'll look really cool"

[iamanartichoke]

So after this post, I tried to think of things that would make Loki laugh and smile like he’s having a really good time, and @darkladyselene mentioned some Brodinson adventures and just - 

Reasons For Loki to Smile: 

1. Sometimes, he just randomly remembers that time when he and Thor were on Vanaheim, participating in one of Odin’s royal hunts, as you do when you are a prince of Asgard. It was winter, it was early morning, and a little wolf pup found its way into Loki and Thor’s tent. Loki was cuddling with it, stroking its soft fur and murmuring things to it in a baby voice, also as you do. Thor stirred and realized what was going on and the pup went over to sniff out his new companion. He nuzzled into Thor’s ear, gave a meek little cough, and promptly vomited very impressively into Thor’s hair before settling itself down and falling asleep. This happened over five hundred years ago, and it still makes Loki laugh fondly. (”That’s how they show affection, Thor,” Loki says, through his laughter. “Shut up, Loki,” Thor snaps.) 

2.  He really loves all of the novelty items he can find on Midgard, like bathroom soap dispensers shaped like whales. He spends time choosing decor for his and Thor’s apartment that is mostly refined and tasteful, but every now and then, Thor comes home to find that Loki has purchased something incredibly random, like an elaborate painting of Our Lord and Savior, Nicolas Cage, from Etsy. Thor bites his tongue, because Loki just looks so damn pleased with this new addition to their living room wall. (“A fine thespian and a finer gentleman,” Loki proclaims, and Thor smiles and nods and sends a text to Val later - can you research the return policy on Etsy? Asking for a friend. Val replies - LOL what did he buy this time?)  

3. Once, he disappeared for an entire three months, and everyone got really, really nervous - but, like, there were no unexplained alien attacks or random supervillain invasions or anything, so Thor just kind of bit his fingernails and tried to assure a very displeased government that Loki just liked his alone-time and he probably wasn’t even on Earth, anyway (which was not as reassuring as he might have hoped). Eventually, Loki came back, and it turned out he had teleported himself to the New York Public Library and read all of the books in it and then he just .... kept going, until he read every book in every library in the world. He was happy because he felt like he’d accomplished something, and also the looks on General Ross’s and Rhodey’s faces when he and Thor had to explain that, no, Loki wasn’t off plotting to take over the world, he was just reading and lost track of time, was nothing short of hilarious. (”Honestly, I don’t know why everyone always assumes I’m up to no good,” Loki says; “Uh, the fact that you killed a bunch of people and led an alien invasion might have something to do with it,” Thor replies; “For Norns’ sake, that was one time,” Loki huffs, and so on.) 

4. Karaoke. Not that Loki would ever lower himself to participate in such a humiliating activity, but he loves everything about it otherwise: the fact that it even exists, the fact that there are so many songs to choose from, the fact that an endless number of people are willing to sacrifice themselves and their dignity because something about a microphone and a few shots of tequila makes everyone think they’re a rock star. Loki probably hangs out in karaoke bars on Friday nights, when he’s got nothing better to do, and kind of sits in the corner, nursing an entire bottle of bourbon while he laughs himself stupid over how terrible the karaoke participants are. (”Is this ... is this really where you spend your Friday nights?” Thor asks once, when he finds him. “It’s better than leading an alien invasion,” Loki replies.) 

5. One time, Loki programmed the GPS in their car (because I’m sure they have one; Stormbreaker is convenient for inter-realm travel but is a bit overkill when he just needs to swing downtown to pick up a pizza or fill his prescription for the high-blood pressure medication Loki has driven him to needing) to take them 53 minutes (exactly) out of their way, on twists and turns that would end with them right back at their apartment. He was just bored. What should have been a ten minute trip turned into quite the adventure. 13 minutes into the drive, Thor was already getting frustrated; 27 minutes in, and he was practically having an aneurysm (”Why is this thing telling me twelve more miles? That can’t be right. I don’t trust this thing, goddamn it, didn’t we just pass Birch Street twice, ten minutes ago?” Thor rambles. “Oh my god, Thor, turn RIGHT!” Loki shouts, out of nowhere. “But the GPS didn’t SAY to turn RIGHT, Loki!” Thor yells back. They approach a fork in the road. “Bear left,” the GPS says calmly. “GO RIGHT!” Loki exclaims. “I SWEAR TO GOD LOKI -” Thor gets out, swerving wildly, unable to decide where to go. And so on.). When they finally pulled up in front of their apartment, exactly 53 minutes later, without having made it to their original destination at all, Loki was laughing so hard he was crying, Thor looked like he was on the verge of either crying or throttling Loki or possibly both, and downtown at the news station, the meteorologists were cursing and ponying up to whoever won the betting pool that week that Thor would make it storm when there was no natural way a storm should be possible. 

[legendsofmarvel]

I feel like making Jane Foster a meteorologist and not pairing her up with James Jonah Jameson was a major oversight. Y’all we could’ve had Thor harassing James and destroying expensive equipment on accident when he visits Jane.

Also it’d give Jane something to do in the MCU than need to be rescued constantly.

[freshwaterraven]

Watching Thor get his powers back:

Meteorologists HATE This Man

[the-firebird69]

Potent Storm Entering California Could Spawn Northern Plains Blizzard - Videos from The Weather Channel

This storm is pushing South it's 64° in Southern California and the sun says that's ridiculous it's way too cold in the daytime and it is true it should be 74 minimum and it's not really entered the winter time yet and these people can't believe it but that's what it is and the snow is coming down and it started the earlier this afternoon and it's getting bigger and bigger and the storm is growing and the cool area is pouring down and right now it's 55° in Los Angeles and it's 60° in San Diego and the temperature is dropping here it was 85 and now it's about 80 shortly it's going to plummet and it does at night usually till about 73 or 72 and it's going to go down to about 60 when it's dark and 55 and 50 and 40 and that's about how cold it will be down here tonight and that cold will push that storm to the east and it will be freezing in Tallahassee last night it was 50° and it cool everything off and it took Billy z all day long to heat the area up and now he can't heat it up at all that's way too cool and ships are running out of fuel and he will be held accountable for his actions we're tired of him in the shenanigans I'm going to pull him in

Thor Freya

[brandedcities]

'Thor' stays No. 1 at box office | Karen Rogers' fun facts about thunder & lightning

With "Thor: Love & Thunder" staying No. 1 at the box office, meteorologist Karen Rogers has some 'super' fun facts about thunder and lightning!

[thebibliomancer]

Stop confusing the meteorologists, Thor

[cosmotoiper]

My First Real Post on Something

You know, I’ve never posted my own thoughts or really anything on here yet. So I might as well start now. Since I’d been looking at lots of dinosaur stuff as of late I decided that I need to get something off my chest. And almost no one’s going to agree with me but if I do find anyone who does agree with me then I will love you. Okay JURASSIC PARK SUCKS It’s a soulless, pretentious, hypocritical, piece of blockbuster full of annoying ass characters, bullshit science (which wouldn’t be so bad if it wasn’t for the fact people seriously believe what they hear in it), and it’s full of lots of loose plot threads that go nowhere. It’s pretty obvious that a huge reason for it being made was to sell toys. (They even made the toys before they’d cast the guy who played Newman from Seinfeld in it, so his action figure doesn’t even look like him.)

Again, the main problem is how pretentious and hypocritical it is. You basically have this guy who does some amazing beautiful, selfless, thing by reviving extinct animals and he gets shit from everybody for it. Like before anything bad even happens he’s getting shit from the people who supposedly love dinosaurs.

But dinosaurs aren’t magical monsters who do nothing but kill, they’re animals. There was nothing wrong with what he did except for the fact that the zoo was run sooooooo poorly. He had, what, five guys working there. Most real life zoos will have 10 human workers for every animal. And this place has like hundreds of dinosaurs. Guess he “spared no expense” for everything except in this one crucial factor.

Just an electric fence. It wasn’t even that powerful, obviously, since the little shit-head boy didn’t die from being zapped by it. Of course, the girl is soooo much worse, with her know it all attitude with computers mixed with her lack of any actual knowledge with computers. Seriously, OH MY GOD THEY HAVE LYNEX!!!!!! AHHHH, CD ROM!!!! I’M A HACKER. I’M A VEGERTARIAN (which is important to the plot somehow.) She also is apparently the grand daughter of the guy who cloned the dinos but still says the stupidest line in the movie “meatasaurus”.

The big tour of the park was also planned on the day of a storm. Seriously, do meteorologists not exist in their universe?

The T. Rex kills some people. For some reason, I doubt a giant animal like this would go out of it’s way to rip through bathrooms and cars just to eat some tiny people. She was given a goat and everything. Clothes taste awful, too. They of course, also give bullshit about a giant predator that’s closely related to birds having bad eyesight. (In the book it’s cause of the frog DNA but here they make pretty clear that it’s supposed to be natural.) Such another sad bullshitism that the public has picked up from this movie.

So what, else? Ah yeah, the plot thread about the dinosaurs being sick. Well, the Triceratops shits out her own weight, the Brachiosaurus sneezes, and that’s it. They forgot about that plot thread after that. I understand that it goes into this more in the “book” but maybe if you start a plot point in a movie it should like lead somewhere or have a purpose.

The dinosaurs can also change sexes. Which is a big shocking reveal. Except for the fact that it doesn’t change anything. The only thing that mattered was the escaped and (for a while) that they were sick. But the sex chaning thing ads nothing. It was probably only there because Michael Chrichton read about frogs changing sex and felt it would somehow be clever to use it. It’s also the only reason why they have that crap about using frog DNA (even humans are closer related to dinosaurs than frogs). About the only thing it adds is the tragic inevitability of having a shit ton more sequel with no fear of running out of dinosaurs.

Jeff Goldblum can be a great actor. As can be seen in such classics as The Remake of The Fly, Thor and Hulk’s Road Trip to Ragnarok, and The Time He Read the Script to Steamed Hams. But he is just annoying as shit in this. He’s the primary asshole of the movie and embodies the pretentiousness

Samuel L Jackson’s in the movie. He does nothing. He’s never even on screen with a dinosaur. Want to see Samuel L Motherfucking Jackson fight a dinosaur? LOL I bet you would.

Newman and Samuel L Jackson are the only entertaining characters but they both die. I guess that in the book the annoying ass Chaos Theory guy that Jeff Goldblum plays dies, but in the movie he lives to annoy more people in some sequels.

Then we have the paleontologist guy who threatens a fat kid in front of a bunch of witnesses, he’s the hero. He also digs up an Asian dinosaur (velociraptor) in America. Here’s a thought, maybe it’s just fake. He buries it there and brings a tour to dig it up then offers to name it after them if they pay him 50 bucks.The velociraptors are also giant because they’re supposed to be deinonychuses. Even then, Spielberg told the crew to make them bigger. That pretty much gives a good idea of Stephen’s influence on this turd. “Uhh, I dunno, make ‘em bigger. Now leave me alone.” Stephen Spielberg only did it so that Universal would help pay for Schindler’s List, so I forgive him, I guess. They of course have no feathers either, this can be forgiven since it was the nineties and they didn’t know better. This can’t be forgiven, however, for the sequels going on now. “Feather the Raptors” would be a great name for a band, by the way.

Another annoying ass thing whole movie is bound to come up 100% of the time if you let any conversation about dinosaurs go on long enough. You see people who seriously seem to think that this is the only dinosaur related thing, like dinosaurs didn’t exist before this movie. It’s just such an overrated piece of..... well I don’t like it that much. This said, I keep coming back to this franchise just because some of the dinosaurs look decent and nice. And even though the toys are crap I keep looking at pictures of them. I guess I have a large interest in cheap crap made of plastic.

Well, anyways, I’m sure I could complain about it even more but I’ll let it rest for now. Anyways, HIYA Tumblr. How many enemies have I made, now?