#mha2018

[aceyanaheim]

Okay let’s try this one more time.

Questions from this thingy that I saw a friendo do last year.

Introduction: Acey. That’s it that’s the introduction.

Diagnosis: I’m working on getting a Diagnosis but Autism and some form of attachment disorder.

As of 2019:

Neurocognitive and Cognitive Disorder due to Seizures

Major Depressive Disorder

General Anxiety Disorder

Social Anxiety Disorder

Personality Change Due to Seizure Disorder ( later confirmed by a second psychiatrist to be Borderline Personality Disorder)

C-PTSD symptoms ( still waiting on final diagnosis but symptons have been confirmed and disorder is very likely.) 

Autism more or less confirmed by multiple professionals  but still waiting to be able to afford testing.

Symptoms: 

Autism/ASD : Can’t read tone. Hard time with social interaction. Sensory issues. Adherence to routine. Stimming. Scripting. Childish behaviour.  Meltdowns. Hyperfixation.

Attachment Issues: I tend to attach/get attached to people really fast. At the same time I push them away or tell myself I don’t matter to them. I also have a hard time getting attached to people. It’s either super quick or like pulling teeth. I want to be with people all the time. Codependence I guess is the word I’m looking for.  

Social Anxiety: I’m...basically always scared when I’m talking to people? I’m scared I’ll say the wrong thing. I have my answers and messages rehearsed and proofread and sometimes vetted by someone else ( unless it’s sensitive info)  and I still feel like something comes across in a negative way. ( like This is too cheerful, That’s too morbid, does that sound dismissive? If I say This I fuck up in this way but if I say THAT I fuck up in another) It couples with my autism since that...actually makes me say awkward/wrong shit all the time. 

Has come down since starting Lexapro but still present.

Emotional Flashbacks: Feelings that were there while you were experiencing the traumatic event. Happen at random triggers. Incredibly strong. To the point that they don’t correspond to the stimuli and feel freshly felt. ( tied to C-PTSD) 

Hyper-vigilance ( tied to C-PTSD)

Anxiety attacks

Panic Attacks

Don’t act as mature as other people my age/more at home with younger people.

Hypersensitive to any perceived rejection. 

Brain fixates on bad memories and repeats them : C-PTSD

Constant fear of it happening again: C-PTSD

Black or White thinking: I’ll think someone’s sick of me or can’t stand me at stuff like being left on read while also deciding I love them and they’re the best person ever when they do something nice to me. Intense but have some modicum of self awareness. ( i know on some level people dont dislike or hate me, i still spiral though)

“Duckling Syndrome” ( is what i call it) : I’ll see someone be nice to me and all I can think of is how much I want them to adopt me, to take me home, to make me part of their family. It’s too strong to be anything but disordered. It hurts. ( possibly part of bpd) 

Has in the past put self in bad situations to not be alone ( connected to bpd/attachment disorder) 

Other Stuff I either need to mention to my shrink and/or hasn’t been tied down to any of my dx disorders:

I want things to be Just So. Like I want a certain kinda paper for certain kinds of mediums in art. I want my food in a certain order. I eat it in A Certain Order I get really uncomfortable otherwise.

I think I’ve depersonalized or dissociated at least five times..but..only when things get REALLY bad...like when I spiral. I still get those two confused even after reading the definitions but it’s like….I don’t feel anything? But I’m weirdly aware that I’m supposed to? Like I flipped a switch. Also mixed with this weird its not real feeling. I hasn’t happened in roughly a year tho so I dunno if it counts? Its been happening again this year. Still unsure if disordered or stress reaction.

I tend to struggle with depressive episodes from time to time. Like I’ll just lay on the bed and not wanna do anything. I have games to play, I have hobbies I could indulge in but I just..don’t want to. Don’t see the point.

Have thought that I’d be better off not existing. ( AKA suicidal ideation) Currently under control.

I’ve developed these like...weird paranoia spells? Like this one time a cop yelled at me ( to mess with me) and I was suddenly terrified of him following me and hurting me and my dad ( which yes can be attributed to the amount of police brutality you hear about, especially to people who don’t speak english fluently but like I saw it in my mind’s eye and it would not stop and the dude left and I was still seeing in my head him like following me home and hurting us) or like just recently some man asked about my dog and how much she was worth and this weird ass alarm went off in my head to get the hell away from him and what if he follows me home? What if he takes my dog? What if he follows me home AND takes my dog? They’re pretty sporadic ( though not as much as I want them to be)  but they’re also really intense. Have stopped since I started Lexapro.

Physical Self Harm in the past to ground, to punish myself, in times of high emotion. All of the above. ( has stopped as of last year. Even intrusive thoughts about it are at a minimum.)

Obsession with being “good”: If I ever do something I think is a mistake I all but turn on myself. I beat myself up. I think of myself as a bad person ( there’s only Good and Bad for me..but only in regards to myself) I have to be nice. I have to be kind. I have to be good in a way that’s disordered. ( this compounds with my social anxiety and bpd to bind me into being a “good person” ( someone who never gets mad never talks back never does anything but niceness irregardless of the fact that..it’s impossible) I tend to think if I’m “bad” that people need to punish me, yell at me, or hurt me. That I need to Atone) ( could be part of CPTSD due to past abuse. Answer pending) 

Intrusive thoughts: mostly about self harm but also about “learning my place” and...calling myself things I’d rather not say. I’ve so far at least managed to recognize they’re intrusive ( might be related to any of the disorders listed above but also with past abuse but unsure at the moment. Shrink thinks its tied to bpd. Could be tied to past abuse I haven’t discussed in therapy yet.)

Disordered Eating of sorts: due to my mother being paranoid about unhealthy food I’ve gone days where I can’t bring myself to eat something because I’m scared it’ll hurt me. There’s times where I’ve needed my friend to tell me to eat. There’s times where I feel like if I eat I have to exercise it off. It’s about control, it’s about fear, it’s….about everything but weight. Hella strong last year. More or less brought under control as of this year. But remain as intrusive thoughts and pop up as intrusive thoughts from time to time.

React badly to being alone, especially at home and not getting social interaction. Depression kicks up, sometimes depersonalization ( might have ties to childhood epilepsy -having to be on lock-down  and kept indoors a lot due to my own risk of being hurt via seizure- but combines with bpd/attachment disorders) 

Have Shown Signs/Moments of Age Regression ( more often than not with the emotional flashbacks but not always)

Literally all the symptoms act up at night/around bedtime. Mostly anxiety but some others that have now been associated with bpd. Causes sleeping problems ( I hesitate to call it insomnia because I do sleep but it can get as bad as 3 hours a night until i just conk out at the end of the week -or 2 weeks- out of sheer exhaustion. Has been present since I was a teenager.) 

In The Past: Recklessness and disregard for personal safety and care.

Sometimes get this  physical feeling like my brain is overloaded. Often with hypervigilance or spirals where my mind races.

Stigma:

“I’m autistic” “I’m so sorry”

“I’m autistic” “And you’re sure you wanna go for that major?”

“I’m autistic” “But not that kind of autistic right?”

“I mean if you need accommodations to take a test then are you really cut out to have that kinda job?”

I consider myself a very patient person.

“She doesn’t know any better. You know she’s special” ( I was standing right there)

“I guess you don’t love anyone huh?” ( I was uh..I was nine years old)

“You’re codependent as fuck” ( that one my abuser said to me...after...making me codependent on her..yeah) 

“You talk like a robot. It’s like you don’t feel anything.” ( eeemotianl detachment due to CPTSD in my teenage years) 

“You’re choosing not to grow up” ( when expressing fears of develomental problems/disordered behaviour that could cause lack of maturity. I was asking for help) 

“You’re a lot”

“People with your disorder tend to be a problem for other people”

“You need therapy” “I am in therapy” “Then why are you still acting like this.”

“You’re just making excuses.”

“It’s like you like to cause trouble.” ( circa 2013)

“You just wanna hurt people that’s why you’re doing this.” ( circa...most of the 2000s) 

Multiple people in my family constantly make it a point ( or have in the past like..for most of my life) to tell me no one’s wanna live with someone like me ( I’m forgetful and before I figured out some ways to help it and the depression was bad uber messy)

Multiple people in my family try to discourage me from trying things because “you know you have that...thing”

And I mean..the usual constant bombardment of Autism being something you have to Fix. Of it causing people you love pain, and them never being happy because of it, of it being a defect.

People around me use autistic as an insult.

General comments about how horrible living with my mentally ill family must be ( ignoring that I’m mentally ill as well) and how my parents probably wish we weren’t disordered ( ignoring that they are also disordered) and how basically there’s no way for us to be happy.

I think at one point someone actually said to me something along the lines of “I bet your parents wish you and your siblings were born differently”

“I’m so proud you can do this incredibly easy thing that I think is all you can really do and I’m gonna talk to you in the most condescending tone about it like who’s a good lil autistic person look at you, talkin and solving basic problems and everything.” ( obvs paraphrased but thats...usually the gist) 

Define Your Disorders

Autism: a developmental disorder that affects communication and behavior.

Attachment Disorder: the condition in which individuals have difficulty forming lasting relationships ( it was the only one I can find that doesn’t talk about RAD as I don’t have the criteria for that. This one’s tricky cause I don’t have the proper diagnosis for it yet, for all I know it could be part of a bigger disorder)

BPD:a mental health disorder that impacts the way you think and feel about yourself and others, causing problems functioning in everyday life. It includes a pattern of unstable intense relationships, distorted self-image, extreme emotions and impulsiveness. Symptoms include emotional instability, feelings of worthlessness, insecurity, impulsivity, and impaired social relationships.

Major Depression Disorder: Depression is a mood disorder that causes a persistent feeling of sadness and loss of interest. Also called major depressive disorder or clinical depression, it affects how you feel, think and behave and can lead to a variety of emotional and physical problems. You may have trouble doing normal day-to-day activities, and sometimes you may feel as if life isn't worth living.

General Anxiety Disorder.:  Excessive anxiety and worry (apprehensive expectation), occurring more days than not for at least 6 months, about a number of events or activities (such as work or school performance).

Amnesic Disorder Due To Epilepsy :Inability to remember events for a period of time.

Myth about your disorders and the truth

Autistic people are dangerous

Autistic people are unfeeling

Autistic people are uncaring

Autistic people are all nonverbal

Autistic people are all mentally challenged. ( I ??)

Autistic people ar a burden on their families/a parent who abuse or even  kills their autistic child ( which happens so much it’s an acknowledged problem)  deserves sympathy.

Autistic people are brainy and mostly male.

Autism is a spectrum disorder. People exhibit different traits and while some hyperfocus on things that help them academically some hyperfocus on things that don’t or that even make their grades suffer like other interest tend to. ( my hyperfocus was fanfiction and I failed like five classes because of it) I have a friend who’s autistic and likes to party and drink and hang out with people. I have another friend who’s autistic who likes to skate and science. I’m autistic and I like neither of those things. We’re all over the place in every way even when we do share some common traits

Literally we all have people and things we care about.

Literally all of us have affectionate moments. I’m fairly physically affectionate if I’m close to/feel safe with someone.

Nonverbal and autism aren’t always correlated. Further, some autistic people go nonverbal for a bit but can speak other times.

Autism looks different in girls/afab people because we’ve been socialized differently.

Parents who kill their autistic kids are just straight up horrible people and I resent having to be told to have sympathy for them while simultaneously wishing I had “autistic” written on my forehead so I could be angry without a guilt trip and also simultaneously hoping to god I never stop passing for neurotypical because apparently the moment you show too many traits no one cares if someone hurts you or worse.

The whole “autistic people are dangerous” thing is mostly people showing videos of meltdowns which only happen under high stress and is something people use to demonize us and make us seem like burdens...and is actually why the whole “sympathy for an abusive/murderer parent of a neuroatypical” thing is fucked ten ways from Sunday. We aren’t dangerous.

I don’t...have a lot for the attachment disorder since I’m still waiting to figure out what that one’s really about and I haven’t really….met anyone else who has anything like it or shares symptoms with me.

I think off the top of my head it’s when people think it’s “cute” that you’re super clingy or go the other way and say people with attachment issues are uncaring. The first one romanticizes a behaviour that you’re trying to work on fixing/curbing and that is honestly hell. The second one is...is just as untrue as saying an autistic person is inherently uncaring ( or any mentally ill person for that matter)

I’ve also seen people say that people with any kind of attachment disorder are broken and that I feel confident enough in saying that they’re not...and I’m not.

I’ve been told people with BPD can’t be aware of their own disorder and have been denied testing due to this. 

I’ve seen people say people with BPD are a problem to others.

Anxiety: I’ve seen a lot of people who think it’s fake. And also that the only way you can have anxiety if you’re rocking back and forth gasping for breath.

There’s actually multiple ways to have anxiety attacks.

Tips for those who know/love someone with same disorders/symptoms

Well, starting off with, and keeping in mind that I’m not a proffesional or expert in...literally anything ever like ever ever....

A very dear friend of mine once said “it’s a whole lot easier to be supportive than it is not to be” Let people with disorders tell you what they need, and then respect it. Open communication and making them feel safe is key...to everything. Being informed is important but at the end of the day, different people will experience things differently and what they need is really down to them. Don’t assume that reading about their disorder means you know what they need better than them. Don’t talk about how their disorder affects you. Even if you have good intentions, you’re going to make them feel bad. If you’re a parent, don’t talk to others about your child’s disorder in front of them. And if they don’t like a therapist, listen to them as to why. Don’t assume it’s just because “they’re disordered” that’s lazy parenting.

Take triggers seriously, talk to them about what symptoms they need help with, and which they’d rather process or deal with  on their own. Just..show that you have that initiative, that you’re there for them. Listen. Be patient. Establish boundaries gently but firmly. If someone with my attachment disorder is ringing you a lot and you need time to yourself, let them know. Explain. Don’t go radio silent. People with autism can be bad at reading you. Again explain, be patient, but don’t just....leave them there to guess what they did wrong. C-PTSD is traumagenic in nature so I’d add to taking triggers seriously, be ready for Tragic Backstory drop behind disclosing some triggers ( and understand how much they have to trust you to disclose that.) but also be ready for “I just don’t want this in my field of vision and I don’t feel comfortable talking about it just yet.” Don’t push for details. Don’t push period.

And also just....treat em like people you know. Disordered people are still people, let them exist outside their disorders and do the things that people in that relationship that you have with them. ( whatever relationship that is) do. 

How your disorder/s affect your relationships 

In the past -and before I was a bit more self aware- it’s made me uber clingy. I would call friends constantly, message them a lot. Think someone was my best friend or even closer than they really were because they were nice to me. It scared people off.

On the flip side I would also convince myself people didn’t like me or I was nothing to them the moment I caught myself having strong feelings. ( which as said before would happen mcquicklike)

As one can imagine this would put a lot of pressure on new friendships. Often it would sour them, sometimes it would make people dislike me. Sometimes it’d make them unconfortable. Which as my disorder also affects how I receive rejection...was..really bad.

On the flip side of the flip side I was also incredibly ride or die and it left me open to a lot of manipulation and abuse from friends. I couldn’t be mad at them if they hurt me. I couldn’t say no to anything they said. I needed them.

My anxiety also contributes to this as I would constantly go through a checklist of how many good interactions vs “bad” or awkward interactions I had with people before I let myself feel like I was safe to call people my friends. Or even say I did okay interacting.

I had a lot of nights while I was making friends in college where I just felt like I was nothing to anyone. Like I was messing up. Looking back, it was just standard new friend interactions.

The more people mean to me, the more I’d freak out-I didn’t want to lose them. So it made it hard to even enjoy the friendship milestones I did achieve.

I’m using past tense because it’s gotten a lot better as situations that were making this 10 times worse have alleviated somewhat but there’s still seeds of it and sometimes it flares up. I’m just aware enough I can sometimes if not stop it identify it as my disorder talking. I don’t keep lists anymore but sometimes the thought pops up.

Facts About Your Disorder You Wish People Knew

I wish people knew what scripting and autistic burnout was. And that adults can have autism. And that vaccines don’t cause autism so stupid ass people didn’t risk their kid getting sick because they’re scared of my neurology.

I wish the only thing when I search about

I wish people took triggers seriously.

I wish more people knew about attachment disorders period.

I wish people knew how hard it all is sometimes.

 Favorite healthy coping techniques

Plushies, pillows. Physical grounding techniques that include physical stimming. I’m very tactile when it comes to my autism and stimming so grounding techniques were Good Textures are involved help double.

For attachment disorder spirals: Watching YT animators or vloggers. Like a lot. It recently chased off my sleeping problems. 

Playing with my dog.

Walking outside.

Going to the beach.

Looking at buildings. ( I don’t..I don’t know why?? It’s like a visual stim I guess? Like buildings that stand out to me due to their shape or being different than I usually see)

Basically going outside. ( to look at buildings, to look at nature, to the dog park, out in the grass in front of my building just..Outside Good, Inside Bad) 

Sending fun stuff to friends/doing things for them.

I tend to get a good happy chemical surge from helping people/doing nice things for people so that’s something I really like using to my advantage. I’m looking at volunteer options.

Also cartoons and Disney Channel shows I watch a lot of those.

Cooking. I can’t understand this one either but cooking and baking sometimes even gives me more energy.

Current biggest struggles with your disorder/s

Being at home tanks my mental health. I don’t drive. So I’m home a lot.

Seeing families be happy hurts sometimes. And that’s my main confort narrative.

Seeing my friends with their families hurts sometimes.  All I can think of is how much I wish I was a part of that. So I have to...not spend time with my friends.

I’m afraid to live alone.

I can’t get anything done sometimes. My train of thought has been crashing to the point that I completely lose it and I miss goals and deadlines almost every month. I need to get assignments done, build a portfolio, at least keep shrink dates, its all a hurdle lately. Even before that it’s hard for me to get stuff done when I’m home on  my own ( aka when I’m supposed to be doing things) because all my brain can think is “we’re alone we’re alone we’re alone. It’s too quiet. We need to talk to someone.” According to my shrink DBT will help with this. I can’t wait.

It’s hard to see a myself having a good future sometimes. Because of how many hangups I have and how late I am in addressing them ( I’m 28) and how much there is to do.

 What not to say to a person with similar/same disorder/s

“You’re making it all up”

“You should just get over it, it happened so long ago”

“You’re bringing me down stop talking about this”

“Its all in your head”

“Every one feels that way really”

Anything dismissive.

Anything from the stigma answer.

Literally any kind of pity (granted thats more a me thing due to childhood epilepsy meaning i had to deal with a lot of that. But honestly I’ll stand by it bc I’m not sure anyone really ...likes pity. )  

Ways in which your disorder/s affect your daily life

I deal with executive dysfunction which makes it hard to get anything done. I feel like I’m starting over constantly. I feel like my age doesn’t match my brain. All of this augments my depression.  I have to take days off in the middle of the week to just do nothing or catch up to all the stuff I haven’t done. I miss deadlines or just barely make them. I’m also a budding workaholic which I used to do to avoid dwelling on all these feelings so having to take breaks isn’t….something I’m used to or really like. I at one point handled school, work, and 2 editing jobs. I used to do martial arts, I like running, I like swimming. I’m the kind of person that needs to be on the move and lately that’s hard because spoons and energy.

Also a lot of basic self care is hard to get done because of the dysfunction mentioned above.

Things that give you hope

The fact that I’m finally getting therapy.

I guess having people I can talk to about it.

My family isn’t as bad as it was back in 2014.

I guess I know that even if I feel like I’m at a dead end, I’ll figure something out. That’s what I do. I mean that’s life, you think things are never getting better or that something’s the end of the world but really time marches onwards and so do you and you figure it out. Things fall into place. I believe life has a funny way of working out. If anything because it kinda has to, it can’t stand still yknow. I have moments of clarity where I just kinda remember that ( its not my first rodeo.in regards to hard times or Things That Happen..its not even my hardest rodeo so..if I got through that..you kinda figure you can muddle through this and see what comes next yknow) I’m oddly hopeful for the first time in a long time so, it’s p cool.

Treatment types and personal choices

I spent most of my childhood, and teenage years...and early 20s dodging therapy and help due to it being controlled by my mother and having really bad experiences with it in the past.I do regret it sometimes but I comfort myself with the fact that it was what seemed like the best decision and i didn’t have the information I now have about keeping her out of things. 

After finding better insurance and getting into university I found a way to get myself a psychiatrist and am working on finding talk therapy. For the most part I tended to patch myself up a lot by finding ways to quiet the thoughts I had ( saving text messages to remind myself people dont hate me. Talking myself down. Joining social activities. That sorta home brew stuff. I’ve been soloing a lot of shit I probably shouldn’t have been until recently but hey live and learn. Also I didn’t have insurance.) As of recently I’m on an antidepresant and  hopefully going into DBT. That reminds me I have to call them.

Your support system

I’ve found some really nice friends like they’ve kinda just collectively adopted me and when your disorder stems from losing family that..that’s been incredibly helpful. All my close friends are long distance but they help me. My younger sister is also there although i try to limit how much she’s privy to as she just turned 18. My brother and I tend to spend limited time together due to him having his own stuff goin on but I’d also put him there. My parents sorta count as....one supportive unit? ( they try with the best of intentions but it uh..thats..thats really all I can say about them)

Reactions from those who learn about your disorder/s

I get told I can’t possibly have them because i “look too successful” or whatever ableist rethoric they got going. When I talk about C-PTSD symptons I get side eye for “trivializing” it as they don’t believe I can have it and think I’m exaggerating anxiety symptons. When I talk about Attachment Disorders…..I often don’t because people always say something along the lines of “people with that are often too damaged and you don’t fit the bill” which..ouch.

Mostly it goes from “you don’t look like a damaged and/or psychopath crazy person” to “oh...I guess you are one” with a bit of “okay thats fine” but still anger and impatience when I show symptoms.

I don’t talk about my disorders a lot.

 Future hopes and dreams

I’d like to get my attachment disorder under control as it’s the main life wrecking thing I have. After that or along with that I’d like to live somewhere where I get the social interaction I kinda need.

I wanna be happy with whatever profession I have and just..my life in general.

I hope DBT helps. Whatever it is It’s my first time even trying it.

I have a couple of personal creative goals but I don’t wanna jinx them by disclosing them ( I did mention I had anxiety)

Interactions with other people with the same disorders

I follow some peeps with BPD and also folks on the spectrum on tumblr. I don’t really have a lot of  analog interaction. ( again no driving + suburbia = being cooped up A Lot)  My sister and I share some disordered traits so we talk about them often and that helps a lot.

Things you want to work on/improve

The whole black and white thinking and maybe getting things done on time. I’d like to get the spirals under control too.

 Work/school experience with disorder/s

Shit’s hard.

Often I don’t get the help I need and have learned to overcompensate/regulate so I can still get things done. I pretty much need to work since i don’t believe I’d qualify for disability. I get in trouble a lot for spacing out ( dissociating) and forgetting things at work. Work friendships are also slow burn if not just nonexistent due to my autism and people..not really knowing what to make of it. I’ll probably have to quit working while I study since I can’t really split focus enough to do both lately. Further, a lot of my energy needs to go into school things staying afloat and that tends to mean I can’t do things that contribute to my mental health ( i.e spending time with friends, going out, sometimes even therapy, taking breaks) as I’ve found out that sends me way back in recovery.

Free space!

Here’s a picture of my cat. She’s a demon. What it said Free Space.

Family history of mental disorders?

Mother has Bipolar disorder and depression. Sister has bipolar disorder, anxiety, depression, and eating disorders, Brother has anxiety and shows signs of ADHD, Dad has what we suspect is ADHD and possibly some disorder traits from past trauma. Used to have anger issues.

I uh..I used to call us “The Madhouse” for most of my late teens and early 20s.

Media representation of disorder/s

Attachment disorders: characters who are stalkers and so desperate for love family and acceptance they’ll do anything, even hurt people to feel it. Also often don’t have depression and can do things like learn villain skills.

Autistic traits are often cherry picked and portrayed in an unfavorable light. I think I’ve seen some rare cases of actual representation though.

How do you feel about talking about your mental health?

I don’t...like it as much as talking about mental health in general. Most of my life is...me running away from trauma and trying to  reclaim a life outside of it. It’s what I did with my epilepsy of course that one was easier because the seizures went away. 

Talking about it feels like going back. I wanna just move on with it. But I’ve reluctantly come around to see that talking about it is a way to move on. And I mean its not like dodging it’s worked out that well for me so.

 The true face of mental illness (Selfie if you’re comfortable with it)

Aww yiiss. Selfies.

[etherealeunoia8]

17. What not to say to a person with the same/similar disorders:

“What war were you in?” as a response whenever someone mentions having PTSD. War is not the only trauma to cause PTSD.

“What do you have to be depressed about?” Depression does not need a reason, it is a disorder that is caused by a complex mix of personal psychology, environment, and genetics. Trauma or stress can be a trigger that cause depression but it is not the only way someone can become depressed.

“You should’t take medication. Those are just Big Pharma’s tools to control us.” While pharmaceutical companies are corrupt, psychiatric medication can be an incredibly important tool for managing mental health disorders. Some instances of over prescription is not a good enough excuse to invalidate the life-changing improvement that many experience while taking medications. You are also not their doctor, and most likely not a doctor at all, and should not be throwing in your two cents about their medical treatment without invitation to do so.

“Just do X and you won’t be depressed anymore.” As I said above, depression is so much more complicated than just a simple fix. If it was so easily cured in everyone then it wouldn’t be a debilitating disorder for so many people. Don’t be an ignorant dickwad.

“I went through X and I’m not complaining/I didn’t get PTSD, you’re lying/a pussy,” Similar to depression (and almost all mental disorders) PTSD is caused by multiple factors and not everyone who goes through a trauma will develop PTSD. The fact that you or someone you know did not develop PTSD from a certain trauma has no affect on whether or not someone else did. 

“Just stop being anxious.” If it were that easy, you wouldn’t have to say it.

There are many things you should not say to a person with depression, PTSD, or any other disorder and really it comes down to this: don’t speak on topics that aren’t your business; don’t feel so entitled that you believe you can decide who is or isn’t actually disordered; don’t be an asshole; don’t comment on subjects that you are ignorant about; don’t generalize; don’t belittle; don’t invalidate someone’s experience.

[safety-net-did]

Mental Health Awareness Month

Day 2, to catch up

2: Symptoms you experience

This is a long and hard list to make, so I tried to divide them mainly by assumed cause even though there is a lot of overlap. I also just can’t list everything.

panic attacks

heart pounding

headache

fear of imminent death

this place. is not safe. I. am not safe.

numbness in limbs

dizzy

“sparks” in vision

anxiety

tense muscles

clenched teeth

sweating

chills

need to move

easily overstimulated

exaggerated startle response

intrusive paranoid thoughts

selective mutism

need to be small, still, safe

depression

depressed mood

(obviously)

fatigue

SERIOUS FATIGUE

like, sleeping 62 hours in a row fatigue

lack of interest in things

inability to enjoy stimuli

muscle weakness

intrusive negative thoughts

self injurious desires/behaviours

suicidal ideation/action

sense of 

hopelessness

worthlessness

uselessness

being a burden

DID

“voices” in my head

alters

dissociation

my body doesn’t feel real

the world doesn’t feel real

everything feels okay but that is not my face

my eyes are out of focus

somehow everything is far away?

oh god, now it’s way too close

I’m too tall!

too short!

I can hear you but what are you saying

those are all words but they mean nothing to me

what is my name?

amnesia

where am I?

why am I here?

what was my life between birth and now?

oh, now I only remember the years between 9 and 14

who are you?

when did I get this [item]?

did I eat today?

how did I manage to not bring [very needed item]?

EMOTIONS

rapid switching of emotions

emotions that don’t feel like they belong to me

intense, out of place emotions

emotional amnesia

I have never felt THAT before

I have only ever felt THIS

fear, fear, fear

doubt, doubt, doubt

C-PTSD

sensitivity to perceived rejection

triggers

emotional and physical

unwarranted fear

explosive anger

repressed anger

emotional responses out of “nowhere”

difficulty communicating wants and needs

difficulty processing threat 

ED

poor self image

difficulty managing relationship with food

intrusive thoughts

eating habits

weight

purging

calories

grab bag

executive dysfunction

activation

I have to stop here, though there is much, much more I could write-- especially if I were to add explanations/examples of those symptoms in action. 

[allyourbandneeds-blog]

#dirkschneider #mha2018 #metalhammer #madebyallyourbandneeds #madebyaybn https://www.instagram.com/p/BnuWK63Biu9/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=1d0g58vzgol3

[thelifesway]

Hirsch's Women In Business Gala Dinner @EmperorsPalace #MHA2018 @GrundigUK http://www.thelifesway.com/2018/11/hirschs-women-in-business-gala-dinner.html #TheLifesWay

[princesslexi03]

[safety-net-did]

Mental Health Awareness Month

Days 1, to catch up:

1: Introduction/Diagnoses

Hi, I’m Clockwork. I’m a co-host for my system. Between me and our other co-host ghost, we are the main people that run this blog.  There are just under twenty of us that we have currently met.  Some of the others’ names are Jade, LiLoc, pup, Kid, Jason, Jordyn, Emelily, Sarah, and Little One. 

We have a variety of diagnoses between us.  Officially: 

Major Depressive Disorder (in remission)

Persistent Depressive Disorder

Generalized Anxiety Disorder

Social Anxiety Disorder

Panic Disorder

*gender dysphoria

Unofficially (as in, we are receiving treatment for but not yet diagnosed “on paper”):

Dissociative Identity Disorder

Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder

Eating Disorder, Binge/Purge type

Suspected and rejected diagnoses of Borderline Personality Disorder, Autism Spectrum Disorder, and Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder are also in the past.

Our system has been in psychiatric treatment since the body was 15 (it is 26 now). We have tried many medications, been hospitalized several times, had multiple suicide attempts, dealt with self harm... Our experience with mental illness is as multifaceted as we are. 

I’m hoping that by going through this prompt list I can help people get a better sense of who we are, and how mental illness has affected us. 

[allyourbandneeds-blog]

#metalhammer #metalhammermagazine #mha #mha2018 (hier: Kesselhaus & Maschinenhaus (Kulturbrauerei)) https://www.instagram.com/p/BnuDLxyhRRU/?utm_source=ig_tumblr_share&igshid=778owli6mpq5

[taphappy52]

mental health awareness month may, 2018 day 3: stigma you have faced

being called/people thinking i am “crazy.” being seen as too fragile or touchy or whatever to do anything. being seen as “weak-minded.” being told i just need religion in my life and it will go away, or i need to just be stronger. seen as bratty when i’m having a panic attack or anxiety. seen as “creepy” or “attention-seeking” bc of self harm. told there’s no way i have an eating disorder bc i’m not underweight.

[etherealeunoia8]

3. Stigma I have faced

Discussing my mental health issues online almost always leads to a person demanding I explain the traumas I’ve experienced so that they can decide whether or not it’s “bad enough,” in their opinion, to warrant PTSD. Sometimes, if I humored them and explained, some will still call me a liar or make crude and awful comments or threats. Being a sexual assault survivor brings its own stigma as well.

Less harmful for me personally, is the general awkwardness that people get when I open up to them about my disorders. Our society generally approaches mental health with a discomfort because barely anyone is taught how to respond in these situations and many don’t even understand what these disorders are or mean and are fed stigmatizing ideas throughout their life. People familiar personally or from family history of mental disorders are generally more comfortable with the subject, but those who haven’t experienced mental health issues in any form and are uneducated on the subject tend to become quiet and the conversation ends with awkward silence until either I or they change the subject.

I told a friend once that I took antidepressants and he said how he “had depression once” but then decided to just stop being depressed and it worked and I should try it. I didn’t talk to him much about anything important after that. My best friend showed signs of depression and I asked if they had considered therapy or medication. They got defensive and said they weren’t “crazy” or anything and I had to explain that I used both, how they helped, and how they weren’t just “happy pills” or “crazy pills” or something. I was a bit hurt about it but I understood because I flat out refused to take medication for a few months after my therapist suggested it and had cried when it came up because I, too, didn’t want to be “crazy.” I had to get over that internalized stigma in order to start medication, and eventually my friend also got therapy and medication. I don’t hold their reaction against them since they were polite after I explained and because I had a similar reaction at first too. 

Stigma is so deeply rooted in society that I doubt any of us will live to see mental health issues be completely and freely accepted, acknowledged, and stigma free. Hopefully it will get better, however, because stigma keeps people from seeking help and reaching out for support. It results in death and suffering. I truly believe that education is such an important weapon against stigma, so take it in, keep an open mind, and never stop learning and growing. 

[etherealeunoia8]

Day 11: Tips for those with the same disorders

For those with PTSD or cPTSD (or other trauma related disorder): 

You’re trauma is valid. 

Comparing your trauma to the trauma of others isn’t fair to you. Your experience matters and you deserve happiness just as much as the next person. If you find yourself down-playing your trauma or disorder, what helps me is to think of those who went through similar traumas. Would I tell them what I tell myself? No, because abuse is never the victims fault, assault is never the victims fault, trauma isn’t a contest and their pain matters and they deserve support and love regardless of if someone else “has it worse.” 

It was bad enough, you don’t have to be glad it wasn’t worse unless that thought helps you.

Talk to someone. It’s terrifying, I know, but if you can, therapy can be such an invaluable tool.

There’s no shame it taking your time and doing things at your own pace.

You aren’t being dramatic when you are triggered.

Often it will get worse before it gets better during treatment. It’s like cleaning a wound that’s infected: it hurts so badly when you wash it out, probably more than when it was just infected and throbbing, but if you don’t wash it out, it will just get worse.

We survived the trauma, we can survive the recovery too. 

You aren’t alone.

For those with depression (or depression as a symptom of another disorder):

Don’t wait to get worse, you don’t have to be worse before you get help. You deserve support now. 

You matter even with it feels like you don’t. Your life is worth living even when it seems like it isn’t. 

There is always a better option than suicide. Always. 

You deserve to live. You deserve to be content. 

There are many treatments for depression: therapy, medications, life style changes, self help, etc. Find what works for you. 

If treatment keeps failing you, please keep trying, brains are confusing and annoying and sometimes finding the right treatment takes forever and you may start to lose hope, but please hold on.

Medication doesn’t always make you feel like a zombie and it doesn’t mean you’re a lost cause or giving up. If you find that your medication has bad side effects, talk to your psychiatrist about trying a different kind.

Be careful with alcohol. Alcoholism and depression (as with other disorders) have high rates of comorbidity. Medication can also interact negatively with alcohol so talk to your prescriber before you drink.

If you have thoughts about suicide, speak up about it

Canned fruit and microwave vegetables are amazing for low motivation caused by depression. You still need to eat, so if you have issues getting up the energy to make food, keep it simple. Eat something even if it’s just a random mix of ingredients. Want a sandwich but can’t make one? Eat the cheese, meat, bread separately if you have to.

[etherealeunoia8]

Have to catch up since I missed yesterday

Day 6: fact about disorder/s you wish others knew

Mental health issues are often debilitating. It isn’t laziness, lack of personal integrity, or anything like that. They are disorders, not choices.

Day 7: How your disorder/s affect your relationships

My depression is double sided. On one hand I have bonded with family and friends over shared diagnoses, through jokes and understanding each other. On the other hand, however, when my depression leaves me bed ridden or without enough energy to communicate with anyone, it makes me isolate myself, which isn’t good for relationships.

My anxiety and PTSD affect when I can go out with friends as well, and when I miss outings because of any of my mental health issues, it can cause issues. I have lost (new) friends because I wasn’t able to go out or hang out as often as they asked. It’s hard to explain to those who don’t have mental health issues. 

[etherealeunoia8]

30. How do you feel about talking about your mental health?

I like sharing my story to relate to people and help them. It’s therapeutic sometimes. I am either completely unwilling to discuss my past or way too open about everything. It gets me in trouble sometimes as it opens me up to be hurt.

[etherealeunoia8]

Day 4: Define your disorders

So I’m going to use clinical definitions, but remember that each individual will experience their disorder differently and/or present with different symptoms. Two people with the same disorder can be extremely different symptom-wise.

Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder

“Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) is a mental health condition that's triggered by a terrifying event — either experiencing it or witnessing it. Symptoms may include flashbacks, nightmares and severe anxiety, as well as uncontrollable thoughts about the event.

Most people who go through traumatic events may have temporary difficulty adjusting and coping, but with time and good self-care, they usually get better. If the symptoms get worse, last for months or even years, and interfere with your day-to-day functioning, you may have PTSD.”

- Mayo Clinic

The subtype of PTSD that I have, complex post-traumatic stress disorder means that the symptoms were caused by a complex trauma. Complex trauma is trauma that was long lasting/repeated and/or consisting of multiple types of trauma. This subtype isn’t researched enough and isn’t part of the DSM, likely because the symptoms are mainly variants of the symptoms listed for non-complex PTSD. Generally, between trauma-specific professionals, complex PTSD involves the diagnostic criteria of PTSD but also often includes symptoms such as problems with self perception, increased likelihood of experiencing dissociation in various forms, problems with emotional regulation, interpersonal problems, and distorted perception of the perpetrator. These symptoms can be caused by other disorders and issues as well, and it’s important to remember that diagnoses are written in a way so that professionals can better research, treat, and discuss them and do not encompass the full experience of the individual being diagnosed. Symptoms that are common with a disorder, but not required for diagnosis, are often left out and sometimes ignored.

Major Depressive Disorder (MDD)

“Depression is a mood disorder that causes a persistent feeling of sadness and loss of interest. Also called major depressive disorder or clinical depression, it affects how you feel, think and behave and can lead to a variety of emotional and physical problems. You may have trouble doing normal day-to-day activities, and sometimes you may feel as if life isn't worth living.

More than just a bout of the blues, depression isn't a weakness and you can't simply "snap out" of it. Depression may require long-term treatment. But don't get discouraged. Most people with depression feel better with medication, psychotherapy or both.”

- Mayo Clinic

MDD can present itself in many different ways, so sometimes diagnosis can be tricky. 

Sources (go check them out if you want more in-depth explanations):

https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/post-traumatic-stress-disorder/symptoms-causes/syc-20355967

https://www.healthyplace.com/blogs/understandingcombatptsd/2015/06/complex-posttraumatic-stress-disorder-ptsd-vs-simple-ptsd/

https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/depression/symptoms-causes/syc-20356007

[etherealeunoia8]

Day 16 was forgotten (my bad) so I guess it’s a free day

(I know I’m the creator of this and I’ve already missed a few days and had to catch up, but it’s about mental disorders after all. Some days it’s more important to take a break than to make yourself do things that take up too much energy and spoons)

14. Importance of awareness: 

Awareness and education are key to ending stigma and systematic discrimination, which in turn will improve mental health treatment, support systems, and the likelihood that someone will reach out for help when they need it.

15. Current biggest struggles with my disorders:

Executive dysfunction, social anxiety, panic from triggers, and emotional flashbacks

[etherealeunoia8]

Day 5: Myth about your disorder/s and the truth:

Myth about PTSD: Only soldiers get PTSD

Truth: Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder can develop after any significant trauma, including, but not limited to, abuse (mental/emotional, verbal, physical, sexual), assault, other forms of sexual violence, natural disasters, being in a war zone as a civilian or soldier, seeing another person go through a significant trauma (or death) as a loved one, civilian, or for work (i.e. medical personnel, emergency response teams, firefighters, etc), and neglect. 

PTSD used to be called shell-shock, later named Battle Fatigue or Combat Stress Reaction. This was because, during the world wars, these symptoms became obvious on a world-wide level with plenty of suffering people to be studied and treated. Later, after more research on trauma, the diagnosis was widened to Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. The association between PTSD and war, however, is still deeply rooted in society so that when PTSD is discussed, it is most commonly addressed as a combat disorder. Plenty of research has shown that significant trauma of many different forms can cause disordered reactions. Noted physical results of trauma on the brain in some survivors, such as differences of the amygdala, hippocampus, and prefrontal cortex when compared to non-PTSD comparison groups, is found in both war veterans as well as victims of childhood abuse. The symptoms caused across various traumas are similar enough to include in one diagnosis and are often treated in similar ways.

Women are at higher risk for PTSD but PTSD can affect people from all demographics. Do not fall victim to ignorance. Acknowledging the reality of PTSD sufferers from different demographics than war veterans does not diminish the seriousness or severity of veteran PTSD, but PTSD awareness and support should not stop with military personnel.

Sources:

https://www.ptsd.va.gov/public/PTSD-overview/basics/history-of-ptsd-vets.asp

https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2729089/

http://www.ptsd.ne.gov/what-is-ptsd.html

https://www.ptsd.va.gov/public/ptsd-overview/women/women-trauma-and-ptsd.asp