#well..2019 but thats what they said to tag it

[britneyshakespeare]

last night i started rereading david copperfield. i've read so much new literature this year, i wouldn't say im "burnt out" but i feel like im cycling through things so fast that i... i dont know. i dont feel like i get to have them melt into me as satisfyingly as they used to although that might also be a product of how i feel about my overall *life* right now, idk. deep stuff but anyway.

i havent read a novel in almost four years. i have been too ashamed to pick them back up and i left off in the middle of the professor by charlotte bronte, which i always felt ashamed for being unable to finish. someday ill reread the beginning and finish it, but yadda yadda yadda i hate that nagging feeling that i HAVE to do something. reading should not feel like a chore. which is also how ive felt about my reading plays at such a quick rate this year. not that its a CHORE, like im not enjoying it, but like it's a daily task im distracting myself with to get some temporary pleasure and im cycling from one to the next at an almost monotonous rate. i can't keep living in my imagination like this. hiding from the world and pouring myself into new ones.

i always figured id want to reread david copperfield someday, too. it's one of my three favorite novels ive ever read (not that ive read SO many novels, but still). i think of it often. and i dont think of it like it's a highly literary or intellectual novel. i think of it like an old sitcom or a newspaper strip. like a victorian peanuts or full house. i've never forgotten a bunch of the characters' catchphrases and i've continued to slip them into conversation with people who don't understand them just to overly-explain a joke that only i'm really going to find funny. because that IS the kind of person i am.

ive only read the first four chapters so far. i just cant wait to get to aunt betsey's place, to be honest. i didn't even think about this part... this is the first novel i'm reading since i became an aunt. i never had a character in the book i related to *too* much; i had certain things in common with dora and i loved her, but we weren't one and the same. but my niece is only two and a half months old and i already feel like oh yeah. oh yeah i'd take this little girl in after she ran away from her abusive boarding school. i'd provide for this girl. i'd raise her with my neurodivergent friend that i live with. i would do ANYTHING for her.

[hotchs-big-hands]

Today turned out to be Pretty Bad™ stuck down very awful bad memory lane and I just wanna clarify to ppl why I may not always answer dms/asks etc. I've only really told one person on here the big details about this, and I won't go into all the details here either but it'll be enough to explain why. I hope anyway. Idk why I'm doing this.

I'll give a quick tl;dr here because it is long and also goes into very triggering topics such as self harm/suicide.

Basically I used to have a very close best friend, who I'll call shithead, back in early 2018 until late 2022 who extremely manipulative, emotionally abusive and just very overall toxic. If you've ever seen me refer to a "shithead" in tags or whatever then its about the person imma talk abt here. I was essentially the person they turned to to talk them out of doing things to themselves, if you get me. As well as a lot of other stuff. Ended up getting therapy (but not for the right reasons tbh) and also got a bad coping mechanism where I tend to not talk to people, I keep my distance and its smth I wanna tackle but it's difficult. So if you haven't heard back from me it's not cuz I don't like you, I am fighting with my brain. Also I kinda question if I actually am a good person or not because of stuff that I did in retaliation to this person.

I'll get into details now under the cut but yeah don't read if self harm/suicide/toxic dynamics are something you don't want to hear about for whatever reason.

As above, in early 2018 I used to have a different fanfic blog for a different fandom. I won't go into detail about which fandom and what the blog was but it was fairly popular. This is how I came to be friends with them. And like at the beginning it was fucking great! We became fast friends and we had a lot of shared interests. They introduced me to a lot of games, TV shows etc. But that's also where the problems started.

They were one of those types of fans. The "very possessive over certain characters" type of fan. If they liked them and had a crush on them then you couldn't do the same cuz character belonged to them. Which at the time I didn't rly like but I used to be friends with someone in high school who was also like that about characters so I assumed it was just a thing ppl did. However, it escalated to if I had a character I liked then they'd for some reason not like them and in fact hated them. This was kinda draining cuz they never wanted to talk abt stuff I liked, without actually directly saying so. They'd just shit talk them the whole time or say they hate them. So I stopped talking about what I liked. Later, they'd suddenly really like said media or characters and only then was it fine to talk about them. But in turn they'd be possessive and if I said oh okay I'll step back from them they would make me feel like I was being stupid because "no they didn't say I couldn't like them".

Anyway thats not rly the worst of it of course, the actual bad stuff is now so again, final warning for self harm/suicide. Will square off the triggering sections.

*********************

They struggled with their mental health a lot. Like a lot. I'd be there for them to listen, offer help and support because I like to take care of ppl and make sure they'll be okay. Except it escalated to them using me to talk them out of harming themself and killing themself. And this was almost everyday/night. And need I just say they were an hour ahead of me as well btw. I went to university in 2019 originally and by December I was completely burnt out because I spent every day and night making sure they didn't fucking do anything to themself. I got at most 2-3 hours of sleep a night if I was lucky and I stopped doing my hobbies and uni work because I just had no drive to do them anymore. It was clear I was also suffering mentally. I was suicidal and thinking of harming myself as well (and unfortunately I did do so a couple times). But I prioritised them. Everything was triggering for them, and I mean that. I had a long list pinned to my wall of everything I was to avoid mentioning because it would trigger them.

They never took care about my own mental health btw, which I'm not saying they HAD to but I know it was because they just didn't care. And they said as much too. They said because they are autistic they have no empathy and therefore do not feel anything about my mental health. So I suffered basically alone.

*********************

I dropped out of uni in early 2020 and in fact went home the weekend lockdown began in the UK. Things were not good. I was still trying to be support for shithead, I went to therapy and started medication for the wrong reasons. I wanted to get better so I could take care of them. Which like. Never do that. Never go to therapy so you can be someone else's therapist. Go to therapy because YOU want to be better for YOURSELF.

We were in in a bigger friendship group spread across a few discord servers and they all broke down one way or another. One instance there was an argument between shithead and a bunch of others who were comparing who had it worse during ww2. The others were Americans but were also of Jewish heritage with family who were affected by the holocaust and shithead lives in a country near where the holocaust happened with relatives who went through a famine. Either way it was just not gonna be a good conversation. Shithead left, I stayed and like I already don't rly talk to people much in groups because its overwhelming but I did do a little bit. Someone who was friends with shithead and still in the server told shithead I was talking to the others and in turn I basically betrayed shithead. Hindsight I wish I had just left the server ages before and like maybe j shouldn't have talked to the others idk. I regret it either way and think abt it a lot.

Another few shitty things I did in response to how shithead would treat me is giving them the silent treatment, giving short answers etc. I wanted them to feel bad, but it would round back to me being told I'm a coward and horrible to them. Which maybe I was but frankly I was scared of them.

*********************

Things began to rly break down when they showed me their fresh self harm wounds, blood and all, because they were "bored". I didn't talk to them for a few days and their apology wasn't much of an apology, more just making excuses again (aka I have autism so it's not my fault). I started talking less and less because by this point my brain had had enough ig and began to close off from them and just ppl in general.

*********************

In 2022 I finally returned to university and thats also when I finally stopped talking to them. A few months ago I finally blocked them on everything. However, I still struggle with communication and don't rly do it much. It's difficult to maintain friendships and I don't trust easily. I plan on going back to therapy whenever i can because this is just unresolved. But yeah idk I'm sorry to everyone who I haven't responded to, or take a long time to respond to.

One thing that is good tho is that like, after shithead I didn't enjoy anything. I didn't rly watch or hyperfixate on anything. But last year around this time I came across an Aaron Hotchner x plus size reader fic and I've been obsessed with him since!! And now here we are, got a blog and everything for a fandom finally after so long :) so it's not all bad.

But yeah that's why I struggle keeping up with messages and asks. Idk if anyone is gonna read this but if you've read this far then thank you and you mean a lot. Big hugs to yawl and I hope yawl have a lovely day, and if not then please take it easy 💖💖💖💖

[colorful-kandi]

INTRO

HIYA!!!

I GUESS THIS IS AN INTRO OR WHATEVER BUT I AM JUST GONNA TAKE A LOT OF STUFF FROM MY PRONOUNS PAGE SO YE

NAMES - I go by a lot of names, mainly going by Kandi/Vixen right now! The nicknames to call me are Kands/Vix!! I am also a fictionkin of a bunch of different characters so you can call my by any of the names of the characters I kin!!

PRONOUNS - I also use a lot of pronouns. I mostly use he/they/it but I also use a lot of xenos!!! I suggest going to my pronouns page for all the pronouns I use cause I use a lot but most of the xenos I use are he/they/it/zap/dizzy/void

GENDER AND SEXUALITY - My gender is gender-fluid, my sexuality is unlabeled, and I am asexual. I am going to use Google to explain what all of these are. Gender-fluid - Someone who is fluid -- also called gender fluid -- is a person whose gender identity (the gender they identify with most) is not fixed. It can change over time or from day to day. Fluid is a form of gender identity or gender expression, rather than a sexual orientation. Unlabeled - adjective. not labeled; not bearing a label: The unlabeled preserves at the back of the pantry were a bit of a surprise when we opened them. noting or relating to a person who does not name their gender or sexuality: Unlabeled folks is a** term used to describe someone who does not experience sexual attraction toward individuals of any gender**. Asexuality - Asexual is a sexual orientation, and is different from celibacy, in that celibacy is the choice to refrain from engaging in sexual behaviors and does not comment on one's sexual attractions.n important part of the LGBTQ+ community.** **

OTHERKIN INFO - I am infact an otherkin as I said earlier that I am a fictionkin. I am also a Therian. I only have two theriotypes: a raccoon and a whitetail deer. I might have more but I am not really sure of right now. If you don't know what an otherkin or a therian is I am getting all this info from Google. Otherkin - An otherkin identifies as a non-human species or mythological entity. Fictionkin - Fictionkin or fictionkind identifies as fictional characters or species. For some, this identity is often considered involuntary and nonphysical. What identification entails depends on the individual; the definition and purpose of "kin" and "kinning" have evolved over time. Therian - Therian is short for therianthropy or therianthrope. Theri= animal, anthro=man. Therians can have "shifts" but not all do. All therians understand that they cannot physically shift and are not physically animals, they know they are physically human.

KINLIST - My kinlist has characters from genloss, dreamsmp and a lot of other stuff if you didn't read the tags. The characters I kin are

c!Tubbo

c!Tommy

q!Tubbo

gl!Charlie ep-one]

Pomni

The Crying Child/Bite Victim

and San [Princess Mononoke]

Thats all of the characters I kin! :3

HOBBIES - My hobbies don't consist of a lot of stuff but one of the main things I like to do is art! The type of art I like to do is mostly just drawing but I am currently learning how to do cosplay as well!!! I also just like to watch all types of movies and shows!

MUSIC - I like a lot of music! I mostly listen to KKB [Kero Kero Bonito] currently and I reallllyyyy suggest them to listen to if you're looking for new music!! I used to listen to Lovejoy a lot but I don't really listen to them at all anymore and that's mostly because of what Wilbur did... I really like James Marriot because not only do I watch his streams sometimes but I also listen to his epic music. I LOVE Tally Hall and I loved them since maybe 2018-2019 and if you haven't listened to them before you're missing out because even my dad listens to them sometimes!!! I also really like Lemon Demon/Neil Cicieriega because ermm he makes EPIC music!! Same with Will Wood, Jack Stauber, TV Girl, Sodikken, and plenty of others!! If you want to find out a lot of other artist I listen to please just ask and I'll try to answer as soon as possible!

SHOWS/MOVIES - As I said earlier I like to watch movies and shows. I made this apart of my intro cause I want to share my favorite movies and shows!

Adventure Time

Regular Show

OK K.O. Lets Be Heros

Sweet Tooth

Generation Loss

Hazbin Hotel

Murder Drones

Princess Mononoke

Up On Poppy Hill

My Neighbor Totoro

Steven Universe

SpongeBob SquarePantss

And those are just my favorite shows at the moment! I like a lot of other stuff but those are my favorites and the only ones I can name off the top of my head LMAO

GAMES - I LOVE to play games [mostly video games] and I am also going to make a list for that!

FNaF

Omori

Yandere Simulator [Ik yandere dev is a bad person but I still like the game]

Minecraft

SIMS 4

Animal Crossing

Untitled Goose Game

Mario Cart

Zelda Breath of the Wild

Stardew Valley

Roblox

Unpacking

And those are also just the games I could name off the top of my head and my favorite games!!

DISORDERS/DISABLIES - I thought this was going to be an important one to talk about so here I am, talking about it. I have audhd [autism and adhd], hypersexuality, and dyslexia. I'm not one of those fakers. I currently have autistic burnout so please do not call me a faker. All of these disorders suck so please don't try to fake them. Just don't fake any disorder. I am self-diagnosed with a couple of these but I did over 4 hours of research or more together and I'm pretty sure I have them.

If you want or need to ask me questions go right ahead! I'll try to answer as soon as possible!!

[aceyanaheim]

Okay let’s try this one more time.

Questions from this thingy that I saw a friendo do last year.

Introduction: Acey. That’s it that’s the introduction.

Diagnosis: I’m working on getting a Diagnosis but Autism and some form of attachment disorder.

As of 2019:

Neurocognitive and Cognitive Disorder due to Seizures

Major Depressive Disorder

General Anxiety Disorder

Social Anxiety Disorder

Personality Change Due to Seizure Disorder ( later confirmed by a second psychiatrist to be Borderline Personality Disorder)

C-PTSD symptoms ( still waiting on final diagnosis but symptons have been confirmed and disorder is very likely.) 

Autism more or less confirmed by multiple professionals  but still waiting to be able to afford testing.

Symptoms: 

Autism/ASD : Can’t read tone. Hard time with social interaction. Sensory issues. Adherence to routine. Stimming. Scripting. Childish behaviour.  Meltdowns. Hyperfixation.

Attachment Issues: I tend to attach/get attached to people really fast. At the same time I push them away or tell myself I don’t matter to them. I also have a hard time getting attached to people. It’s either super quick or like pulling teeth. I want to be with people all the time. Codependence I guess is the word I’m looking for.  

Social Anxiety: I’m...basically always scared when I’m talking to people? I’m scared I’ll say the wrong thing. I have my answers and messages rehearsed and proofread and sometimes vetted by someone else ( unless it’s sensitive info)  and I still feel like something comes across in a negative way. ( like This is too cheerful, That’s too morbid, does that sound dismissive? If I say This I fuck up in this way but if I say THAT I fuck up in another) It couples with my autism since that...actually makes me say awkward/wrong shit all the time. 

Has come down since starting Lexapro but still present.

Emotional Flashbacks: Feelings that were there while you were experiencing the traumatic event. Happen at random triggers. Incredibly strong. To the point that they don’t correspond to the stimuli and feel freshly felt. ( tied to C-PTSD) 

Hyper-vigilance ( tied to C-PTSD)

Anxiety attacks

Panic Attacks

Don’t act as mature as other people my age/more at home with younger people.

Hypersensitive to any perceived rejection. 

Brain fixates on bad memories and repeats them : C-PTSD

Constant fear of it happening again: C-PTSD

Black or White thinking: I’ll think someone’s sick of me or can’t stand me at stuff like being left on read while also deciding I love them and they’re the best person ever when they do something nice to me. Intense but have some modicum of self awareness. ( i know on some level people dont dislike or hate me, i still spiral though)

“Duckling Syndrome” ( is what i call it) : I’ll see someone be nice to me and all I can think of is how much I want them to adopt me, to take me home, to make me part of their family. It’s too strong to be anything but disordered. It hurts. ( possibly part of bpd) 

Has in the past put self in bad situations to not be alone ( connected to bpd/attachment disorder) 

Other Stuff I either need to mention to my shrink and/or hasn’t been tied down to any of my dx disorders:

I want things to be Just So. Like I want a certain kinda paper for certain kinds of mediums in art. I want my food in a certain order. I eat it in A Certain Order I get really uncomfortable otherwise.

I think I’ve depersonalized or dissociated at least five times..but..only when things get REALLY bad...like when I spiral. I still get those two confused even after reading the definitions but it’s like….I don’t feel anything? But I’m weirdly aware that I’m supposed to? Like I flipped a switch. Also mixed with this weird its not real feeling. I hasn’t happened in roughly a year tho so I dunno if it counts? Its been happening again this year. Still unsure if disordered or stress reaction.

I tend to struggle with depressive episodes from time to time. Like I’ll just lay on the bed and not wanna do anything. I have games to play, I have hobbies I could indulge in but I just..don’t want to. Don’t see the point.

Have thought that I’d be better off not existing. ( AKA suicidal ideation) Currently under control.

I’ve developed these like...weird paranoia spells? Like this one time a cop yelled at me ( to mess with me) and I was suddenly terrified of him following me and hurting me and my dad ( which yes can be attributed to the amount of police brutality you hear about, especially to people who don’t speak english fluently but like I saw it in my mind’s eye and it would not stop and the dude left and I was still seeing in my head him like following me home and hurting us) or like just recently some man asked about my dog and how much she was worth and this weird ass alarm went off in my head to get the hell away from him and what if he follows me home? What if he takes my dog? What if he follows me home AND takes my dog? They’re pretty sporadic ( though not as much as I want them to be)  but they’re also really intense. Have stopped since I started Lexapro.

Physical Self Harm in the past to ground, to punish myself, in times of high emotion. All of the above. ( has stopped as of last year. Even intrusive thoughts about it are at a minimum.)

Obsession with being “good”: If I ever do something I think is a mistake I all but turn on myself. I beat myself up. I think of myself as a bad person ( there’s only Good and Bad for me..but only in regards to myself) I have to be nice. I have to be kind. I have to be good in a way that’s disordered. ( this compounds with my social anxiety and bpd to bind me into being a “good person” ( someone who never gets mad never talks back never does anything but niceness irregardless of the fact that..it’s impossible) I tend to think if I’m “bad” that people need to punish me, yell at me, or hurt me. That I need to Atone) ( could be part of CPTSD due to past abuse. Answer pending) 

Intrusive thoughts: mostly about self harm but also about “learning my place” and...calling myself things I’d rather not say. I’ve so far at least managed to recognize they’re intrusive ( might be related to any of the disorders listed above but also with past abuse but unsure at the moment. Shrink thinks its tied to bpd. Could be tied to past abuse I haven’t discussed in therapy yet.)

Disordered Eating of sorts: due to my mother being paranoid about unhealthy food I’ve gone days where I can’t bring myself to eat something because I’m scared it’ll hurt me. There’s times where I’ve needed my friend to tell me to eat. There’s times where I feel like if I eat I have to exercise it off. It’s about control, it’s about fear, it’s….about everything but weight. Hella strong last year. More or less brought under control as of this year. But remain as intrusive thoughts and pop up as intrusive thoughts from time to time.

React badly to being alone, especially at home and not getting social interaction. Depression kicks up, sometimes depersonalization ( might have ties to childhood epilepsy -having to be on lock-down  and kept indoors a lot due to my own risk of being hurt via seizure- but combines with bpd/attachment disorders) 

Have Shown Signs/Moments of Age Regression ( more often than not with the emotional flashbacks but not always)

Literally all the symptoms act up at night/around bedtime. Mostly anxiety but some others that have now been associated with bpd. Causes sleeping problems ( I hesitate to call it insomnia because I do sleep but it can get as bad as 3 hours a night until i just conk out at the end of the week -or 2 weeks- out of sheer exhaustion. Has been present since I was a teenager.) 

In The Past: Recklessness and disregard for personal safety and care.

Sometimes get this  physical feeling like my brain is overloaded. Often with hypervigilance or spirals where my mind races.

Stigma:

“I’m autistic” “I’m so sorry”

“I’m autistic” “And you’re sure you wanna go for that major?”

“I’m autistic” “But not that kind of autistic right?”

“I mean if you need accommodations to take a test then are you really cut out to have that kinda job?”

I consider myself a very patient person.

“She doesn’t know any better. You know she’s special” ( I was standing right there)

“I guess you don’t love anyone huh?” ( I was uh..I was nine years old)

“You’re codependent as fuck” ( that one my abuser said to me...after...making me codependent on her..yeah) 

“You talk like a robot. It’s like you don’t feel anything.” ( eeemotianl detachment due to CPTSD in my teenage years) 

“You’re choosing not to grow up” ( when expressing fears of develomental problems/disordered behaviour that could cause lack of maturity. I was asking for help) 

“You’re a lot”

“People with your disorder tend to be a problem for other people”

“You need therapy” “I am in therapy” “Then why are you still acting like this.”

“You’re just making excuses.”

“It’s like you like to cause trouble.” ( circa 2013)

“You just wanna hurt people that’s why you’re doing this.” ( circa...most of the 2000s) 

Multiple people in my family constantly make it a point ( or have in the past like..for most of my life) to tell me no one’s wanna live with someone like me ( I’m forgetful and before I figured out some ways to help it and the depression was bad uber messy)

Multiple people in my family try to discourage me from trying things because “you know you have that...thing”

And I mean..the usual constant bombardment of Autism being something you have to Fix. Of it causing people you love pain, and them never being happy because of it, of it being a defect.

People around me use autistic as an insult.

General comments about how horrible living with my mentally ill family must be ( ignoring that I’m mentally ill as well) and how my parents probably wish we weren’t disordered ( ignoring that they are also disordered) and how basically there’s no way for us to be happy.

I think at one point someone actually said to me something along the lines of “I bet your parents wish you and your siblings were born differently”

“I’m so proud you can do this incredibly easy thing that I think is all you can really do and I’m gonna talk to you in the most condescending tone about it like who’s a good lil autistic person look at you, talkin and solving basic problems and everything.” ( obvs paraphrased but thats...usually the gist) 

Define Your Disorders

Autism: a developmental disorder that affects communication and behavior.

Attachment Disorder: the condition in which individuals have difficulty forming lasting relationships ( it was the only one I can find that doesn’t talk about RAD as I don’t have the criteria for that. This one’s tricky cause I don’t have the proper diagnosis for it yet, for all I know it could be part of a bigger disorder)

BPD:a mental health disorder that impacts the way you think and feel about yourself and others, causing problems functioning in everyday life. It includes a pattern of unstable intense relationships, distorted self-image, extreme emotions and impulsiveness. Symptoms include emotional instability, feelings of worthlessness, insecurity, impulsivity, and impaired social relationships.

Major Depression Disorder: Depression is a mood disorder that causes a persistent feeling of sadness and loss of interest. Also called major depressive disorder or clinical depression, it affects how you feel, think and behave and can lead to a variety of emotional and physical problems. You may have trouble doing normal day-to-day activities, and sometimes you may feel as if life isn't worth living.

General Anxiety Disorder.:  Excessive anxiety and worry (apprehensive expectation), occurring more days than not for at least 6 months, about a number of events or activities (such as work or school performance).

Amnesic Disorder Due To Epilepsy :Inability to remember events for a period of time.

Myth about your disorders and the truth

Autistic people are dangerous

Autistic people are unfeeling

Autistic people are uncaring

Autistic people are all nonverbal

Autistic people are all mentally challenged. ( I ??)

Autistic people ar a burden on their families/a parent who abuse or even  kills their autistic child ( which happens so much it’s an acknowledged problem)  deserves sympathy.

Autistic people are brainy and mostly male.

Autism is a spectrum disorder. People exhibit different traits and while some hyperfocus on things that help them academically some hyperfocus on things that don’t or that even make their grades suffer like other interest tend to. ( my hyperfocus was fanfiction and I failed like five classes because of it) I have a friend who’s autistic and likes to party and drink and hang out with people. I have another friend who’s autistic who likes to skate and science. I’m autistic and I like neither of those things. We’re all over the place in every way even when we do share some common traits

Literally we all have people and things we care about.

Literally all of us have affectionate moments. I’m fairly physically affectionate if I’m close to/feel safe with someone.

Nonverbal and autism aren’t always correlated. Further, some autistic people go nonverbal for a bit but can speak other times.

Autism looks different in girls/afab people because we’ve been socialized differently.

Parents who kill their autistic kids are just straight up horrible people and I resent having to be told to have sympathy for them while simultaneously wishing I had “autistic” written on my forehead so I could be angry without a guilt trip and also simultaneously hoping to god I never stop passing for neurotypical because apparently the moment you show too many traits no one cares if someone hurts you or worse.

The whole “autistic people are dangerous” thing is mostly people showing videos of meltdowns which only happen under high stress and is something people use to demonize us and make us seem like burdens...and is actually why the whole “sympathy for an abusive/murderer parent of a neuroatypical” thing is fucked ten ways from Sunday. We aren’t dangerous.

I don’t...have a lot for the attachment disorder since I’m still waiting to figure out what that one’s really about and I haven’t really….met anyone else who has anything like it or shares symptoms with me.

I think off the top of my head it’s when people think it’s “cute” that you’re super clingy or go the other way and say people with attachment issues are uncaring. The first one romanticizes a behaviour that you’re trying to work on fixing/curbing and that is honestly hell. The second one is...is just as untrue as saying an autistic person is inherently uncaring ( or any mentally ill person for that matter)

I’ve also seen people say that people with any kind of attachment disorder are broken and that I feel confident enough in saying that they’re not...and I’m not.

I’ve been told people with BPD can’t be aware of their own disorder and have been denied testing due to this. 

I’ve seen people say people with BPD are a problem to others.

Anxiety: I’ve seen a lot of people who think it’s fake. And also that the only way you can have anxiety if you’re rocking back and forth gasping for breath.

There’s actually multiple ways to have anxiety attacks.

Tips for those who know/love someone with same disorders/symptoms

Well, starting off with, and keeping in mind that I’m not a proffesional or expert in...literally anything ever like ever ever....

A very dear friend of mine once said “it’s a whole lot easier to be supportive than it is not to be” Let people with disorders tell you what they need, and then respect it. Open communication and making them feel safe is key...to everything. Being informed is important but at the end of the day, different people will experience things differently and what they need is really down to them. Don’t assume that reading about their disorder means you know what they need better than them. Don’t talk about how their disorder affects you. Even if you have good intentions, you’re going to make them feel bad. If you’re a parent, don’t talk to others about your child’s disorder in front of them. And if they don’t like a therapist, listen to them as to why. Don’t assume it’s just because “they’re disordered” that’s lazy parenting.

Take triggers seriously, talk to them about what symptoms they need help with, and which they’d rather process or deal with  on their own. Just..show that you have that initiative, that you’re there for them. Listen. Be patient. Establish boundaries gently but firmly. If someone with my attachment disorder is ringing you a lot and you need time to yourself, let them know. Explain. Don’t go radio silent. People with autism can be bad at reading you. Again explain, be patient, but don’t just....leave them there to guess what they did wrong. C-PTSD is traumagenic in nature so I’d add to taking triggers seriously, be ready for Tragic Backstory drop behind disclosing some triggers ( and understand how much they have to trust you to disclose that.) but also be ready for “I just don’t want this in my field of vision and I don’t feel comfortable talking about it just yet.” Don’t push for details. Don’t push period.

And also just....treat em like people you know. Disordered people are still people, let them exist outside their disorders and do the things that people in that relationship that you have with them. ( whatever relationship that is) do. 

How your disorder/s affect your relationships 

In the past -and before I was a bit more self aware- it’s made me uber clingy. I would call friends constantly, message them a lot. Think someone was my best friend or even closer than they really were because they were nice to me. It scared people off.

On the flip side I would also convince myself people didn’t like me or I was nothing to them the moment I caught myself having strong feelings. ( which as said before would happen mcquicklike)

As one can imagine this would put a lot of pressure on new friendships. Often it would sour them, sometimes it would make people dislike me. Sometimes it’d make them unconfortable. Which as my disorder also affects how I receive rejection...was..really bad.

On the flip side of the flip side I was also incredibly ride or die and it left me open to a lot of manipulation and abuse from friends. I couldn’t be mad at them if they hurt me. I couldn’t say no to anything they said. I needed them.

My anxiety also contributes to this as I would constantly go through a checklist of how many good interactions vs “bad” or awkward interactions I had with people before I let myself feel like I was safe to call people my friends. Or even say I did okay interacting.

I had a lot of nights while I was making friends in college where I just felt like I was nothing to anyone. Like I was messing up. Looking back, it was just standard new friend interactions.

The more people mean to me, the more I’d freak out-I didn’t want to lose them. So it made it hard to even enjoy the friendship milestones I did achieve.

I’m using past tense because it’s gotten a lot better as situations that were making this 10 times worse have alleviated somewhat but there’s still seeds of it and sometimes it flares up. I’m just aware enough I can sometimes if not stop it identify it as my disorder talking. I don’t keep lists anymore but sometimes the thought pops up.

Facts About Your Disorder You Wish People Knew

I wish people knew what scripting and autistic burnout was. And that adults can have autism. And that vaccines don’t cause autism so stupid ass people didn’t risk their kid getting sick because they’re scared of my neurology.

I wish the only thing when I search about

I wish people took triggers seriously.

I wish more people knew about attachment disorders period.

I wish people knew how hard it all is sometimes.

 Favorite healthy coping techniques

Plushies, pillows. Physical grounding techniques that include physical stimming. I’m very tactile when it comes to my autism and stimming so grounding techniques were Good Textures are involved help double.

For attachment disorder spirals: Watching YT animators or vloggers. Like a lot. It recently chased off my sleeping problems. 

Playing with my dog.

Walking outside.

Going to the beach.

Looking at buildings. ( I don’t..I don’t know why?? It’s like a visual stim I guess? Like buildings that stand out to me due to their shape or being different than I usually see)

Basically going outside. ( to look at buildings, to look at nature, to the dog park, out in the grass in front of my building just..Outside Good, Inside Bad) 

Sending fun stuff to friends/doing things for them.

I tend to get a good happy chemical surge from helping people/doing nice things for people so that’s something I really like using to my advantage. I’m looking at volunteer options.

Also cartoons and Disney Channel shows I watch a lot of those.

Cooking. I can’t understand this one either but cooking and baking sometimes even gives me more energy.

Current biggest struggles with your disorder/s

Being at home tanks my mental health. I don’t drive. So I’m home a lot.

Seeing families be happy hurts sometimes. And that’s my main confort narrative.

Seeing my friends with their families hurts sometimes.  All I can think of is how much I wish I was a part of that. So I have to...not spend time with my friends.

I’m afraid to live alone.

I can’t get anything done sometimes. My train of thought has been crashing to the point that I completely lose it and I miss goals and deadlines almost every month. I need to get assignments done, build a portfolio, at least keep shrink dates, its all a hurdle lately. Even before that it’s hard for me to get stuff done when I’m home on  my own ( aka when I’m supposed to be doing things) because all my brain can think is “we’re alone we’re alone we’re alone. It’s too quiet. We need to talk to someone.” According to my shrink DBT will help with this. I can’t wait.

It’s hard to see a myself having a good future sometimes. Because of how many hangups I have and how late I am in addressing them ( I’m 28) and how much there is to do.

 What not to say to a person with similar/same disorder/s

“You’re making it all up”

“You should just get over it, it happened so long ago”

“You’re bringing me down stop talking about this”

“Its all in your head”

“Every one feels that way really”

Anything dismissive.

Anything from the stigma answer.

Literally any kind of pity (granted thats more a me thing due to childhood epilepsy meaning i had to deal with a lot of that. But honestly I’ll stand by it bc I’m not sure anyone really ...likes pity. )  

Ways in which your disorder/s affect your daily life

I deal with executive dysfunction which makes it hard to get anything done. I feel like I’m starting over constantly. I feel like my age doesn’t match my brain. All of this augments my depression.  I have to take days off in the middle of the week to just do nothing or catch up to all the stuff I haven’t done. I miss deadlines or just barely make them. I’m also a budding workaholic which I used to do to avoid dwelling on all these feelings so having to take breaks isn’t….something I’m used to or really like. I at one point handled school, work, and 2 editing jobs. I used to do martial arts, I like running, I like swimming. I’m the kind of person that needs to be on the move and lately that’s hard because spoons and energy.

Also a lot of basic self care is hard to get done because of the dysfunction mentioned above.

Things that give you hope

The fact that I’m finally getting therapy.

I guess having people I can talk to about it.

My family isn’t as bad as it was back in 2014.

I guess I know that even if I feel like I’m at a dead end, I’ll figure something out. That’s what I do. I mean that’s life, you think things are never getting better or that something’s the end of the world but really time marches onwards and so do you and you figure it out. Things fall into place. I believe life has a funny way of working out. If anything because it kinda has to, it can’t stand still yknow. I have moments of clarity where I just kinda remember that ( its not my first rodeo.in regards to hard times or Things That Happen..its not even my hardest rodeo so..if I got through that..you kinda figure you can muddle through this and see what comes next yknow) I’m oddly hopeful for the first time in a long time so, it’s p cool.

Treatment types and personal choices

I spent most of my childhood, and teenage years...and early 20s dodging therapy and help due to it being controlled by my mother and having really bad experiences with it in the past.I do regret it sometimes but I comfort myself with the fact that it was what seemed like the best decision and i didn’t have the information I now have about keeping her out of things. 

After finding better insurance and getting into university I found a way to get myself a psychiatrist and am working on finding talk therapy. For the most part I tended to patch myself up a lot by finding ways to quiet the thoughts I had ( saving text messages to remind myself people dont hate me. Talking myself down. Joining social activities. That sorta home brew stuff. I’ve been soloing a lot of shit I probably shouldn’t have been until recently but hey live and learn. Also I didn’t have insurance.) As of recently I’m on an antidepresant and  hopefully going into DBT. That reminds me I have to call them.

Your support system

I’ve found some really nice friends like they’ve kinda just collectively adopted me and when your disorder stems from losing family that..that’s been incredibly helpful. All my close friends are long distance but they help me. My younger sister is also there although i try to limit how much she’s privy to as she just turned 18. My brother and I tend to spend limited time together due to him having his own stuff goin on but I’d also put him there. My parents sorta count as....one supportive unit? ( they try with the best of intentions but it uh..thats..thats really all I can say about them)

Reactions from those who learn about your disorder/s

I get told I can’t possibly have them because i “look too successful” or whatever ableist rethoric they got going. When I talk about C-PTSD symptons I get side eye for “trivializing” it as they don’t believe I can have it and think I’m exaggerating anxiety symptons. When I talk about Attachment Disorders…..I often don’t because people always say something along the lines of “people with that are often too damaged and you don’t fit the bill” which..ouch.

Mostly it goes from “you don’t look like a damaged and/or psychopath crazy person” to “oh...I guess you are one” with a bit of “okay thats fine” but still anger and impatience when I show symptoms.

I don’t talk about my disorders a lot.

 Future hopes and dreams

I’d like to get my attachment disorder under control as it’s the main life wrecking thing I have. After that or along with that I’d like to live somewhere where I get the social interaction I kinda need.

I wanna be happy with whatever profession I have and just..my life in general.

I hope DBT helps. Whatever it is It’s my first time even trying it.

I have a couple of personal creative goals but I don’t wanna jinx them by disclosing them ( I did mention I had anxiety)

Interactions with other people with the same disorders

I follow some peeps with BPD and also folks on the spectrum on tumblr. I don’t really have a lot of  analog interaction. ( again no driving + suburbia = being cooped up A Lot)  My sister and I share some disordered traits so we talk about them often and that helps a lot.

Things you want to work on/improve

The whole black and white thinking and maybe getting things done on time. I’d like to get the spirals under control too.

 Work/school experience with disorder/s

Shit’s hard.

Often I don’t get the help I need and have learned to overcompensate/regulate so I can still get things done. I pretty much need to work since i don’t believe I’d qualify for disability. I get in trouble a lot for spacing out ( dissociating) and forgetting things at work. Work friendships are also slow burn if not just nonexistent due to my autism and people..not really knowing what to make of it. I’ll probably have to quit working while I study since I can’t really split focus enough to do both lately. Further, a lot of my energy needs to go into school things staying afloat and that tends to mean I can’t do things that contribute to my mental health ( i.e spending time with friends, going out, sometimes even therapy, taking breaks) as I’ve found out that sends me way back in recovery.

Free space!

Here’s a picture of my cat. She’s a demon. What it said Free Space.

Family history of mental disorders?

Mother has Bipolar disorder and depression. Sister has bipolar disorder, anxiety, depression, and eating disorders, Brother has anxiety and shows signs of ADHD, Dad has what we suspect is ADHD and possibly some disorder traits from past trauma. Used to have anger issues.

I uh..I used to call us “The Madhouse” for most of my late teens and early 20s.

Media representation of disorder/s

Attachment disorders: characters who are stalkers and so desperate for love family and acceptance they’ll do anything, even hurt people to feel it. Also often don’t have depression and can do things like learn villain skills.

Autistic traits are often cherry picked and portrayed in an unfavorable light. I think I’ve seen some rare cases of actual representation though.

How do you feel about talking about your mental health?

I don’t...like it as much as talking about mental health in general. Most of my life is...me running away from trauma and trying to  reclaim a life outside of it. It’s what I did with my epilepsy of course that one was easier because the seizures went away. 

Talking about it feels like going back. I wanna just move on with it. But I’ve reluctantly come around to see that talking about it is a way to move on. And I mean its not like dodging it’s worked out that well for me so.

 The true face of mental illness (Selfie if you’re comfortable with it)

Aww yiiss. Selfies.

[jinlix]

I'm too emo to deal with big performances like this today....

[actualbird]

ive been wanting to ramble bout this for years (like since 2019 HAHA) but i held off on it because i figured the fandom phenomenon i was seeing was gonna be a one off thing. something thatd fade with time.

it wasnt. it's still here and so i wanna articulate what i think about

the fast food-ification of fandom

here’s the thing about fandom right now; we operate on social media platforms that are inherently fast paced. social media platforms these days prioritize new and popular content, but more than that, it creates an audience that is always searching for new content very, very quickly. 

tumblr is a bit of a lesser evil, in terms of contributing to this (still does, tho, dont think im exempting hellsite derogatory, LMAO). but twitter, imo, is a hellscape with a system that hammers this in so so much: the lack of an explorable archive, no account specific tag search mechanism, a timeline algorithm that shows an account's followers the popular tweets first instead of chronologically and oftentimes even if you follow that account you will not be able to see all the tweets that account makes lest you go to the profile specifically. twitter is built for "new new new!" and it's not its fault, i guess, cuz it was not designed with fandom interaction in mind. still, it's become a very popular fandom platform and the "new new new!" mindset the system promotes ends up seeping into the members of fandom itself.

and there’s nothing wrong with wanting new content. but the problem here, i think, is the speed at which we consume fanwork. and the lack of memory for fanwork thats already been made.

fanwork consumption feels like it's going 100000000 mph with these kinds of systems and thanks to the lack of a navigate-able archive or tagging system, it's nigh impossible to find something from even last week. an incredible piece of fanart or fanfic or any fanwork gets attention for 3 days tops before it's lost and very very difficult to find. things are so fast and it's harder to remember them now.

swerve to another point: the trend of silence

im gonna bash on twitter again (SORRY KJSFBSD, like, i do have a twitter btw so im speaking from experience. i'd like to make it clear im not bashing ppl who do like/use twitter, im waving my hands frustratedly at twitter's systems) cuz tweet wc limits make it so that literally not much can be said! additionally, to add comments in QRT takes attention/notifs away from original poster, so if u QRT an art with praise, OP will see that! but if ppl reply more praise to the art on that QRT, OP will not get notified so that praise might as well have been yelled to the void

im a passionate believer that if youve got something nice to say about a fanwork and/or the creator of that fanwork, say it on their turf so they can see it. twitter makes it easier for this to not happen. positive attention and feedback matters so so much to creators and im p sure im not alone in saying that i cherish each and every comment (be it on ao3 or tumblr tags/comments or asks) ive ever gotten

and like, i know the argument to that is "make fanwork for yourself! dont make it for attention, do it cuz you enjoy it!" and "for every feedback you dont get, theres many lurkers who value and love what you do!"

i agree with that first thing very much but only the bit that says "do it cuz you enjoy it!" cuz yea! fandom is about having fun! but also like...isnt the point of fandom the fact that it's not just you alone, but you in a community?

a big draw of fandom, for me, is that it's likeminded deranged nerds all obsessed about the same thing. these are people on similar wavelengths and theyre people PLURAL. do fanwork cuz you enjoy it but the implication that a fancreator should be happy in isolation doesnt make sense cuz thats not what fandom is about.

and as for "there are lurkers who silently enjoy what you make" well...why?

why not say something when youve got something nice to say?

be it fanart or fanfic or fanmeta or anything, if the thought already pops up in your head, why not say it somewhere the creator can see it?

i totally understand if youre shy or if it's difficult to put into words whatever your thoughts are, like, huge mood. but also fandom becomes an infinitely funner space to be in when people are saying things

even a comment thats something simple and short makes the current landscape of fast paced churning out of fanworks feel less like we’re shouting in a forest alone, and more like we’re shouting in a forest and somebody yelled “I LOVED THIS” back. it’s really nice.

this is not a criticism towards anybody, but instead just kinda like, an inquiry to how we consume and interact with fanwork, these days. it’s really fast. like, so fast. tags update daily with new things every single day, every second, and it’s easy to just look and look and not say a thing. and that ease of fanwork consumption also makes it easy to forget just how hard it is to make things. how hard it is to make anything at all.

so much heart and effort is put into every work in fandom, and ive always seen fandom as a space for unapologetic enjoyment and community. treating fandom like a fast-food transaction where u get a thing in 5 minutes and drive off is...well, i dunno. but for me, among many things, it makes us forget just how much heart and effort is in all things.

[honkhonkrichard]

Theory: Stanley Uris was Murdered.

Tagging @vvanini I hope you can follow this okay it’s very word vomity lol

Okay So TW because this post will touch on Stan's death ad the methods behind it

I propose that Stan Uris was murdered. by IT. In his home on that fateful night. I think that Stan posed the biggest threat to IT and therefore IT felt the need to take him out before the battle even started.

Allow me to explain.

Okay, so, I need to lay out some basic "rules" or "facts" before I make my case. They are as follows.

- IT planted it's roots in Derry, and finds it difficult to leave, but still can at it’s own wil.  If you read the book (I honestly don't blame you if you haven't) You'd know that once the Losers kill IT for the final time, Derry (the Physical town) is obliterated. Buildings explode, sinkholes appear, things are flooded. The town is in ruins by the time that the Losers leave the sewers. The movies don't adapt this so If this is news to you thats fine. the bottom line is that destroying IT destroys Derry, like ripping a tree out of the ground with all it's roots. Because of this, we can make the claim that while it can Leave Derry (as it does every 27 years) it probably takes tremandous amount of power to do so, which is why IT only goes when the cycle is over. Why does this matter? Well, what if IT left Derry to get to Stan? The murders had stopped for about a week when they're all in the Jade of the Orient. Plenty of time for IT to cross from Maine to Georgia. Side Note: We KNOW IT leaevs Maine to elsewhere in the world because of King's extended universe all interconnecting. it's not far off at all to make the claim that IT is the same evil that haunts, say The Shining's Overlook Hotel, which is in Colarado.

- IT is omnipresent This is also a given, IT lives everywhere, and can fuck with time and space in godlike (or maybe eldritch like) ways. in IT: Chapter Two, when Mike claims "IT Doesn't know I know what I know" he's unfortunately wrong, because we know that IT can be in A) Multiple places at once, B) can manipulate anything on the drop of a hat (See: Stan being teleported away from everyone else in Chapter One, Everything about Neibolt, etc) and C) Knows everyone's deep fears. This is further proven by IT Saying things like "Beep Beep Richie" (although this is Horribly Horribly executed in the films, ugh.) and so on and so forth. On top of all of this, We can make the claim that IT can exist outside of Time as well, given that IT is immortal. SO, what's stopping IT from Knowing Mike was going to call them all back (Espically considering that IT TOLD Mike to do this?). Even if we keep IT's omnipresence to the location that IT inhabits (in this case Derry) IT would still have knowledge of where the losers are through Mike. And if you take the Lucky Seven/Chosen Seven route (oh my god I got theories on that too) you could argue IT knows where they are inherently due to their cosmic status.

- Stan is the "most Powerful" loser So, obviously all the Loser's are powerful, espically considering they're the ones who Defeat IT (Again going on to the Lucky/Chosen Seven theory). This next claim is going to be less focused on what the 2019/2017 Movies do because they are Bad Movies and that's a whole other rant. However, in the book, Stan is (to my knowledge feel free to correct me on any of this) the only loser to Actively ward off and 'defeat' IT on his own without running away. He uses his belief in this what is Real (birds) to ward off what is "not real" (IT). The other losers do manage to take down IT in their own Right, but Stan is ultimately the one to Really get IT. This is because Stan's character revolves around Belief and Willpower. These are, in some form or another, the ways to Defeat IT. the ritual of Chud is a battle of Wills. in the book, Bill takes IT down and Eddie does the final blow. In the Remake (ugh) the losers can defeat it Technically using the belief that IT isn't as powerful as it claims because IT's "just a clown" (Ihatethatfuckingendingsomuchugh). Stan being much more skeptical than the rest of the group in his ability to understand Reality vs IT's illusions is a powermove, and IT knows that ability doesn't go away as Stan grows up, but rather he gets more powerful. Stan is the Only loser out of the 6 who left that has any sort of knowledge about IT, where the other losers have nothing. Bev has nightmares, yes, but she still forgets them. We're told in his chapter (Chapter 3, Six Phone Calls (1985), Part One: Stanley Uris Takes a Bath) that he has some hazy knowledge of his place in the Lucky Seven, and even goes so far as to MENTION it sometimes, even if he doesn't quite remember or understand any of it, his knowledge of IT and Derry is worlds more prominent than that of the rest of the losers.

(page 52 of IT:  "Stanley, nothing's wrong with your life!"  "I don't mean from inside." he said. "From inside is fine. I'm talking about outside. Something that should be over and isn't. I wake up frmo these dreams and think, 'My whole pleasent life has been nothing but the eye of some storm I don't understand.' I'm afraid. But then it just... fades. The way dreams do." OR  page 45: He had been smiling a little. Now the smile faltered, and for a moment he seemed puzzled. His eyes had darkened, as if he looked inward, consulting some interior device which ticked and whirred correctly but which, ultimately he understood no more than the average man understands the workings of the watch on his wrist. "The turtle couldn't help us," he said suddenly. he said that quite clearly.)

So, Stan has some cosmic knowledge of IT and Maturin and his role in the battle against It. What does any of this have to do with his death? Well, let me point out some other things about Stan's death that always stuck out to me. - His death chapter is narrated by his wife, Patty, rather than himself. The other chapters - almost all the other chapters - are narrated by their respective Loser (the caviot for this is Ben, but Ben is also wasted out of his damn mind so its understandable.) - Stan's personality is few and far between in the book, but we know he has a weird little sense of humour and that he's incredibly logical. I think that this logical part of him would be able to understand that Suicide is Never Ever the answer, and that it would cause FAR more problems than it would solve. (the 2019 movie tries to reexplain his death and it's crap and i hate the letters i hate the letters so much im gonna explode) The other losers try to rationalize his death by saying "He would rather Die Clean than Live Dirty (Page 506, Chapter 10, The Reunion, part 3, 'Ben Hanscom Gets Skinny') but he had already BEEN Dirty when he defeated IT the first time, and I think he would've recognized that. - upon finding him, Patty (in her narration) notes that Stan's head is bent back over the edge of the bathtub, so from his sight she would have been upside down. If Stan DID kill himself, why would he be positioned like that? It's unnatural, like someone Posed him. - the cuts on his arms are two length wise cuts. I'm no expert but.. that's suspicious. That's weird. - IT is written in blood on the wall. Why? Why would Stan right THAT of all things? You know who DOES like to paint with blood? IT.

Alright, returning to my thesis statement, Stanley Uris was murdered. Do I think Stan genuinely was going to take a bath at 7pm (which we're told is weird for him)? Yes. I think that's absolutely a thing he could have done or planned to do. Do I think he slit his wrists and commited suicide so he wouldn't go back to Derry? No. Not even remotely.

Let me paint a New Picture.

It's May 28th, 2016, or 1985. Stanley Uris gets a call from Mike Hanlon. Stan is incredibly hesitant to go to, and says he needs time to think about it. Or tht he'll try. He can feel the starts of a Panic attack, and as he's remembering the circles of Hell he went through as a child, he tries to hold himself together. He doesn't want his darling wife to see his break, so he says "I think I'll take a bath" and nothing else before going upstairs. he hides in the bathroom. He closes and locks the door, because, well, he's panicking. Locking doors is one of The Small things he does. Is it usually the bathroom door? no, but still (OCD is a bitch, and even with medication, but this is a special case). He looks in the mirror and tries to breathe. This is fine. He can do this. They killed IT once before and they can do it again. He thinks about his younger self, the promises made, and how he could explain all of this Patty in time to catch a flight to Maine. It's terrifying, but if his friends are going to bite the dust, he wants to be there with them, wedding vows be Damned. Then he looks at his reflection again. A younger, rotted version of himself stares back at him. IT crawls through the mirror. Stan freaks out, obviously. This isn't real. This Can't be real. But IT utilizes this notion against him. It digs it's claws into his arms, and forces him to bleed out in the bathtub. IT then sets the scene nicely. Razorblades on the counter, a bloody signature on the wall, a horrible posture of Stan's neck. So on and So forth. and then IT returns to Derry. IT's a little weak, yeah, but Stan is dead. That's what matters. the Lucky Seven has now Officially broken, and the balance shifts in favour of the clown.

So that's the theory. feel free to correct me on anything or engage I have plenty of theories on this story and I like discussing this stuff :).

[bibbawrites]

First Man - Charlie Gillespie x Reader

Request: NONE

Word Count: 1735 words 

Summary: the song First Man by Camila Cabello but make it about Charlie Gillespie

Warnings: i think theres one swear word and thats all ?

A/N: so i had originally written this for another fandom that i am no longer in but i decided to change it to charlie cause why not  this is literally just the song first man by camila cabello, so go listen to that if you dont know it haha  again i tried to make this gender neutral but i may have messed up at one point so if i did im very sorry  anyways hope you enjoy this little fluffy piece 

Tag List:  @happinessinthedarkesttimes​ @littlemissaddict @vicesvsvirtuesfanfic @headheartbellarke @lovesanimals​ @bartok-the-bat @juliefromaustralia @multi-universe21 @rangerelik

Winter 2019

It was a mild Winter's afternoon in LA. You walked down the stairs of your family home, bag in hand, smiling when you spotted your family sitting around the table, a board game in the middle.

"Y/N! Come join us!" Your mum called when she spotted you enter the room. You shook your head.

"Maybe another time, sorry guys. I'm actually just heading out, I'm gonna stay with Charlie tonight... is that okay?" Your father sighed before nodding.

"When will we get to meet this Charlie boy that we hear so much about?" He asked, standing up to walk over to you. You shrugged.

"I'm not too sure, but it will be soon, I promise." You grinned. Your little sister looked up from the game board.

"What's he like Y/N?" She asked, looking at you intently. A soft smile appeared on your face at the thought of your boyfriend.

"He's really sweet. He's funny, just like you Dad. He’s not super tall but it doesn’t even matter. And he loves dragging me along on hikes." You paused.

"I really like him." You finished. Your dad frowned slightly, but hid it quickly.

"That's nice to hear darling. Don't forget a jacket, okay?" He told you. You looked at your father knowingly. He had been like this with every boy you’d ever brought home, not that you'd brought home tons of boys before.

"No it's okay, it’s not that cold outside today. Besides, he's waiting outside for me." You said, glancing down at your phone to see the text from Charlie.

'I'm here' it read. You looked back up again, noticing your father watching you. He stepped closer, pulling you into a hug.

"Don't freak out Dad, I'll be fine." You assured him. He squeezed you tightly.

"I just worry about you." You smiled, pulling away.

"I know, I get that. But I'm an adult now Dad. I got this."

"I know, I know." He sighed. By now the rest of the family had gone back to their game.

You patted your dad on the chest before turning to leave, stopping when your hand touched the doorknob. You turned back around to face your father.

"Just remember Dad, you were the first man that really loved me." And with that you turned back to the door and left, leaving your dad to smile sadly. His little baby was growing up.

 Summer 2020

It was Summer and you and Charlie had a few days off from work. You had decided to head back to LA together, to visit your family. After all, you had been dating for over a year and Charlie still hadn't met your family yet. The family that you spoke so highly of.

You touched down at LAX and made your way through security quickly.

"You ready?" You asked, holding tightly to Charlie's hand as you made your way to baggage claim, where you had organised to meet your parents.

"Honestly? I'm fucking petrified." Charlie responded, causing you to laugh.

"You'll be fine. Everyone loves you Char, and my family will be no different." You walked around the corner, spotting your Dad quickly.

"Dad!" You called, rushing over to hug your father. Charlie walked over slowly. You pulled away and grinned, glancing at Charlie.

"Dad, I'd like to meet my boyfriend, Charlie." You introduced. "Char, this is my dad, Sam."

Charlie held his hand out for your dad to shake.

"It's nice to officially meet you Mr Y/L/N. Can I call you Sam?" He smiled nervously. Your father looked him up and down before taking his hand and shaking it.

"Sir will do. Charlie, short for Charles I assume?" His glare was stone cold. Charlie swallowed, nodding.

"Yes sir, but I prefer Charlie." Your father nodded before turning his attention back to you.

"How long are you two here for?" He asked, ignoring Charlie, who moved to grab the both of your bags that were coming along the carousel.

"We have 8 days off, but we're only here for 4." You responded. Your dad nodded.

"Well I guess that's better than nothing. Come on let's go, your mother is waiting in the car outside. She didn't want to pay for parking so she's been driving around while I waited in here."

And with that the three of you headed outside to the car.

 Luckily for Charlie the rest of your family weren't as scary as your father was.

Your mother was lovely, and she had been very welcoming, even speaking to him in French when it was brought up that the two shared a common language.

Your brothers were really cool and invited him to join them to play video games whenever he wanted.

And your little sister, well, she adored the Canadian boy from the minute he walked through the front door.

And just like that Charlie’s first day at the Y/L/N house was over.

After sitting outside for hours with you and your parents, Charlie decided to head off to bed, and with a quick kiss for you and a murmured "goodnight" he was gone.

"So what do you think?" You asked once you knew that Charlie was well and truly inside.

"He's lovely darling." Your mother told you, smiling. You turned to your father.

"Dad?" You asked. Your father shrugged.

"He's not too bad, I guess." He admitted. You shook your head slightly. Of course your father would say that.

"I met his family you know? They're really nice, just like you guys." You told your parents.

"Oh, that's good sweetie." Your mum grinned.

"His parents are great, they're really down to earth. And his brothers and sister are really cool. Plus they love their hockey." You looked at your dad as you said the last part, knowing how big of a hockey fan he was. Your dad nodded in appreciation.

"That's good to hear. If they like hockey they must be good people." Your mother nodded in agreement with her husband. You fell into a comfortable silence for a few seconds.

"You know..." You began, breaking the silence. "I think he might be the one." Your mother put her hand up to her mouth, unable to hide her excitement.

"Oh Y/N, you really think so?" She asked. You nodded.

"Yeah, I really love him." You smiled.

"And he's a good man?" Your dad questioned, fixing his gaze on you. You nodded quickly.

"I swear on my heart. He loves me, and he'd never hurt me." You assured him.

"Good." He said, and with that the conversation was over, the topic changing to gossip about a family friend who's husband had cheated on her.

And later when you were heading off to bed you made sure to give your dad an extra big hug and remind him softly that he was the first man that really loved you.

 The four days passed quickly and before anyone knew it, it was time for you and Charlie to leave.

Your family gathered on the driveway, next to Charlie’s car that he had collected on your second day back. After a few hugs with your siblings Charlie moved to bid farewell to your parents. Your mother pulled him into a hug.

"It was lovely to meet you darling." She said softly, before pulling away.

"You too." He smiled. "It was lovely to meet all of you."

"Don't be a stranger Charlie." She said.

"Yeah come back all the time." Your little sister agreed. Charlie nodded.

"I'll make sure of it." He turned his attention to your father, holding out his hand for him to shake. Your father took it, shaking it firmly.

"Thank you for having me sir." Charlie smiled politely. Your father paused, before faking a smile.

"It was no problem." You exchanged a knowing look with your mother. You both knew that your father didn't think that Charlie deserved you.

After a few more goodbyes you and Charlie hopped into the car and left, waving to your family as you pulled out. You had barely made it to the end of the street before you grabbed Charlie's arm.

"Wait we need to go back." You said quickly.

"Why?" Charlie asked, but turned around nonetheless.

"I forgot to tell my dad something." He pulled up in front of the house and you jumped out quickly, rushing over to your father who was still outside. He looked at you in confusion.

"I forgot to say, remember you were the first man who really loved me." You smiled softly, and with one last hug you left again.

 Spring 2022

It was a beautiful Spring day in Hawaii. You and your father were stood together at the top of the beach, dressed to the nines, him in a fancy suit and you in your chosen wedding outfit.

It was almost time.

Time for you to walk down the aisle and marry the love of your life.

You looked over at your father, noticing his tie was slightly crooked. You took a step closer, and fixed the tie, watching as he tried to fight back the tears that were threatening to fall. You smiled softly at him.  

"You know, I've never seen you cry before." You whispered. Your dad smiled, a tear falling down his cheek.

"You just look so beautiful Y/N. No matter what, you'll always be my little baby." He responded, pulling you into a hug.

As you separated the music began to play, and he held his arm out for you to take.

"Here we go." You whispered, and the two of you began your walk down the beach to where Charlie was waiting, teary eyed, at the end of the aisle.

As you walked, your father found himself looking over at you, taking in the tears of happiness and the look of love that you were giving Charlie. Your dad smiled to himself, glad that you had finally found the perfect man for you.

You reached the end of the aisle and you pulled your father into a hug.

"Remember," You whispered. "You were the first man who really loved me." You pulled away, stepping back. Your dad hesitated for a second before stepping forward to pull Charlie into a hug.

"Take care of my little angel." He whispered. Charlie nodded.

"Of course Sir." They pulled apart and your dad smiled softly.

"You can call me Sam."

[inevitably-johnlocked]

Hey steph!! This might be a specific ask but could u like recommend me some fic thats like slow burn, unresolved sexual tension, and some bottomlock. And please please please let it be long so that it hits the sweet spot of satisfying your fic needs but also not stupidly long. Also I love your blog

Hi Lovely!!

AHHHH I’m glad you enjoy!! I try my best, LOL. 

AHH I’ve SO MANY slow burn fics, it’s ridiculous, and I do have separate lists for bottomlock, so I can direct you to those.... BUT I DON’T HAVE A LIST FOR MY U.S.T. FICS YES. So can I do that??? Please??? ANY EXCUSE TO START A NEW LIST :| Hee hee. Forgive me??? 

AND as per usual, all my fics are in word-count order, so you can start at the bottom and work your way up, hee hee. CHEERS!

As usual, add your own, friends!!

First, here’s the lists you asked for:

Love Confessions / Slow Burn / Dev. Rel. (Fluff Version)

Falling In Love / Slow Burn / Dev. Rel. || [MOBILE POST] (April 2019)

Platonics & Domestics Pt 2 / Hugs, Cuddles & Kisses Pt. 3 / Tooth-Rotting Fluff Pt. 5 / Love Confessions, Slow Burn & Dev. Rel. Pt. 2 / Established Relationship Pt. 3

Slow Burn / Dev. Rel. / Falling in Love Pt. 3 (Nov. 2019) 

Slow Burn / Dev Rel. Pt. 4 (Apr 2020)

Bottomlock (April 2019)

Bottomlock Pt 2

And now, check out my UST/URT list :)

UNRESOLVED SEXUAL / ROMANTIC TENSION

The Other Shoe by thewaitwasworthitlove - (NR, 1,053 w., 1 Ch. || Pining Sherlock, Angst, URT, Post-TSo3) - Sherlock realizes how deep in love he has fallen for John. Only Sherlock Holmes would manage to be more shattered than crystal dropped on concrete.

Clarity by socomessnow (thoughtfulwishing) (NR, 1,283 w., 1 Ch. || Post-HLV, POV Sherlock, Pining Sherlock, Tarmac Scene, Stream of Consciousness, URT, First Person Present Tense, Implied/Referenced Drug Use) - During-and-post-HLV piece tracking Sherlock’s thought process from his phone call with Mycroft to his return to the airfield. Part 1 of Rifts

Untouchable by greengrapegaze (T, 1,368 w., 1 Ch. || Pre-S3, UST/URT, Oblivious John, Lonely Sherlock, Angst with Happy Ending, Emotional Hurt / Comfort, Emotional Sherlock, POV Sherlock, Pining Sherlock) – “He never would. Petty, childish, immature-bitter. Jealous. She had all that he wanted. All he could never have.” Part 1 of Steps to a Bittersweet Symphony

Love Hurts by Grac3 (T, 2,215 w., 1 Ch. || Magical Realism, Pining Sherlock, One-Sided Pining / URT, Sherlock / John Whump, Angst, Ambiguous Ending) – In a world where someone's physical injuries manifest themselves on the person who is in love with them, John didn't think that there would ever be anyone who was willing to risk falling in love with him - until he got shot on a case, and it didn't hurt. Unrequited Johnlock.

The Dance Lesson by bittergreens (G, 4,596 w., 1 Ch. || TSo3 Missing Scene, Dancing, Pining Sherlock, URT/UST, Romance, Angst, POV John) – Sherlock teaches John to dip. Part 1 of Goodnight, Vienna

There's Something Living in These Lines by teahigh (orphan_account) (M, 4,676 w., 1 Ch. || Mutual Pining, Love Letters, Angst, Mutual Pining, UST / URT, Dirty Talk) – Two men, complete opposites in almost every way, who speak only in letters and pages torn from books.

You Can't Always Get What You Want by hubblegleeflower (E, 4,804 w., 1 Ch. || Pining, Sexual Tension, UST / RST, First Time) – John wants. He always has, but now that he's living with Sherlock again, it's all he can do to hold it back. And Sherlock isn't helping...

Wasted Hours by songlin (E, 4,973 w., 1 Ch. || Omegaverse || O!John/A!Sherlock, Pining, UST, Angst & Porn) – John is respectful. John keeps his distance. He doesn’t look at Sherlock when Sherlock decides trousers are for dull people. He doesn’t breathe in and savor it when Sherlock flings himself onto the couch first thing in the morning, wafting alpha scent, dressing gown settling around him in a cloud of blue silk. He doesn’t linger when he’s piecing Sherlock back together after a fight, even though he’s half-dressed and beautiful and right there. He can ignore it. He can control it.

Captain John Watson, Genetics, and Other Crazy Things by cyerus (M, 5,581 w., 1 Ch. || Torchwood Crossover ||  Humour / Crack, Jealous Sherlock, Sexual Magnet John, Captain John, UST / RST, Three Continents Watson) – The explanation for John "Three Continents" Watson? Jack Harkness is his father. Sherlock doesn't know whether he's going to die from jealousy or sexual frustration first.

No Light, No Light (in your bright blue eyes) by orphan_account (G, 5,915 w., 1 Ch. || Angst, Pining, Songfic, Mutual Unrequited Love, Unresolved Tension, UST/URT) – Relates to both Sherlock's and John's feelings for each other and highlights select moments of hurt and inner turmoil starting from right before the fall all the way to HLV.

Drawstring by May_Shepard (E, 7,412 w., 1 Ch. || Post S3/TAB, Friends to Lovers, UST/RST, Fluff and Smut, Post-TAB, John POV, Sherlock’s Pyjamas, Rimming, Wanking) – John is bothered by Sherlock’s slowly-falling jim-jams… as in hot and bothered and he is trying to deal with a sexy dishevelled Sherlock while also keeping his pining in check.

High and Tight, Soft and Loose by cwb (E, 7,429 w., 1 Ch. || Jealous John, Miscommunications / Misunderstandings, First Kiss / Time, BAMF John, Insecure Sherlock, Clueless Sherlock, POV John, Embarrassed John, Adorable Sherlock, Junk Size, UST / RST) – John pressed the knuckle of his index finger against his mouth and sighed. “So, you're coiled like a spring and ready to be ... sprung?” “If you want to be pedestrian about it, yes.” “Like I said, you should do something about that.” “And like I said, pedestrian. What would you have me do? Take up jogging? Yoga? Oh! Unless you mean –” “I don't mean anything. Let’s drop it.”

Alone On the Water by Mad_Lori (G, 7,725 w., 1 Ch. || MCD, UST/URT, Angst, Euthanasia, Love Confessions) – Sherlock Holmes never expected to live a long life, but he never imagined that it would end like this.

All the Times Something ALMOST Happened by allonsys_girl (T, 9,049 w., 6 Ch. || POV Sherlock, Pining Sherlock, Canon Compliant, Angst, Friendship/Love, UST) – John and Sherlock dancing around what they dance around in canon.

Someone I Love by hudders-and-hiddles (M, 10,002 w., 2 Ch. || Canon Compliant, HLV-Filler Fic, Pre-Slash, Jealous John, PIning Sherlock, Angst & Fluff, UST/URT, Dog Tags) – John gets married and Sherlock finds comfort in wearing John's identity tags around his wrist.

Ravish Me by amalnahurriyeh (E, 10,025 w., 1 Ch. || UST / RST, Makeup / Lipstick, Sympathetic Sally, Experiments, Pining John, First Kiss, Face Fucking / BJ’s, Cuddling) – Sherlock is experimenting with patterns of wear on lipstick in daily encounters. John is going to go insane.

Their Great Reward by BeautifulFiction (T, 10,095 w., 1 Ch. || UST, First Kiss, Fluff) – Boxing day, in John's opinions, is the worst day of the year. Christmas is over, the tree is wilting and stripped of gifts, and there's a week of dead-time until the clean slate of the new year. However the combination of a blizzard, a power-cut and Sherlock might just make it a day to remember.

The Five Stages of Mourning, Plus One by SunnyRea (T, 10,557 w., 1 Ch. || MCD, Pining / Grieving Sherlock, URT, Heavy Angst, Sherlock’s Mind Palace, Drug Use, Graphic Death, Depression, Unhappy Ending) – Sherlock did not want this, did not want another stalemate with John in the middle, a gun in Jim's hand. This cannot have happened without a sign. There has to be something he missed anything which said today is the day I kill for real.

Absence Makes the Heart Grow Fonder by cypress_tree (E, 10,669 w., 1 Ch. || UST/RST, For an Experiment) – John helps Sherlock with an experiment: for an entire month, they are not allowed to touch each other and must remain at least one metre apart at all times.

I'm content as we are (but) by inqui (The_Circus) (E, 13,086 w., 1 Ch. || Jealous John, UST/RST, Pining, Victor Trevor, Minor Whump, First Kiss / Time, Misunderstandings) – In which John Watson sees something unusual, becomes jealous, and makes too much of a small thing as an old friend of Sherlock's shows up in the middle of a case.

Say For Me, Love by MirabileLectu (T, 13,147 w., 1 Ch. || UST, First Kiss, Drama, Pining John, Victor Trevor) – If you had asked John this morning what the result of his quiet afternoon at home would be, discovering a truth about Sherlock's past startling enough to shift the foundations of their friendship would not have been his first guess. So naturally, that was what was bound to happen.

Barricade by stitchy (M, 14,127 w., 1 Ch. || HLV Fix It, Friends to Lovers, Angst, Happy Ending, UST, Mary’s Not Nice, First Time, Pining Sherlock, Time Skip Filler, Drunkenness) – Sherlock has been struggling to keep his feelings at bay for everyone's sake. Part 1 of Barricade

Second Chance by SilentAuror (E, 15,816 w., 1 Ch. || Post-HLV, Post-Divorce, Friends to Lovers, UST, Romance) – Now that John's divorce has gone through and the dust is settling, Sherlock thinks that he would very much like to see if there is any possibility of moving their friendship in another direction. The only thing is, he has no idea how to go about doing that...

Anytime by SilentAuror (E, 17,995 w., 1 Ch. || UST, Porn With Feels, POV Sherlock, Romance, UST/URT, Happy Ending, Drunken Endeavours) – Sherlock blinks and attempts to focus. There is a little too much vodka in his veins at the moment and it’s having an unfortunate effect on his brain and retinas both. There are two Johns sitting across from him, and both of them are frowning at him. “You’re drunk,” the Johns tell him. Sherlock blinks some more. “Says the man with Mrs Hudson’s doily on his head.”

John Watson doesn't have a Boyfriend by naughtyspirit (E, 18,932 w., 7 Ch. || UST / URT, Fluff & Smut, Voyeurism, Masturbation) – John's date has gone very well. Sherlock requires tea. John wishes he hadn't resolved that their relationship was strictly hands off and isn't about to address it. Unless he has to. Smut, fluff and shower time for a naked John Watson.

For you, there's only me by shock_blanket (E, 19,557 w., 7 Ch. || Jealous Idiots, Virgin Sherlock, UST/RST, Pining, Miscommunication, First Kiss / Time, Insecure Sherlock, Masturbation) – Sherlock realizes he has fallen in love with John, but believes he is unlovable. Cue lots of pining and jealousy on Sherlock's part, followed by our favorite cuddly marksman making it all better. Because for Sherlock, there's only John.

Love Is by SilentAuror (E, 21,508 w., 1 Ch. || Angst, UST / URT, Post HLV, Romance) – At Mrs Hudson’s urging, Sherlock finally decides to tell John how he feels about him. Part 1 of Love Is

Brief Conversations with the Woman by May_Shepard (E, 21,906 w., 20 Ch. || Pining, Love Fairy Irene, Filler Fic, UST/URT, Drug Use, Clueless Sherlock, Relationship Advice, Angst w/ Happy Ending) – Sherlock has a puzzle to solve, and his name is John Watson.

Sonatina in G Minor by SilentAuror (E, 22,574 w., 1 Ch. || Case Fic, POV Sherlock, Angst, UST, Sherlock’s Violin, Post-S3, Romance) – John has come back to Baker Street, but Sherlock doesn't understand the strange tension between them, even after he begins teaching John to play the violin at John's request.

Knotted by naughtyspirit (E, 23,166 w., 4 Ch. || UST/URT, Cuddling, Sharing Body Heat, Confessions, Kissing, Masturbation, Frustration, BAMF!John) – John has to cancel a date because of Sherlock's case, which leads them to be tied up in a basement from which they have to escape. They get wet, get tied up close and John has to step up and save them. Because he's pretty. And hot. And just a little bit of a BAMF.

Hellfire by testosterone_tea (E, 28,596 w., 9 Ch. || Fantasy / Magic / Mages / Elementals AU || Mage Sherlock, Elemental John, Developing Relationship, Torture, Powerful / BAMF John, POV Alternating, Dark / Blood Magic, UST, First Kiss) – Sherlock is a Mage that gets involved with a case involving Dark Summoning rituals, leading him to John Watson, a man with Berserker blood. The only thing is, Berserkers have been extinct for centuries. And of course, nothing involving Mycroft and his interfering ways is ever simple. This time, even Sherlock may have bitten off more than he can chew.

That Partitioning of the Things of Youth by wearitcounts (E, 35,353 w., 7 Ch. || Humour and Angst, Post-TRF, Fake Relationship, UST / RST, Friends to Lovers, Jealous John) – Victor Trevor is in town, and nobody's happy.

The Case of the Vanishing Pants by SwissMiss (E, 44,025 w., 6 Ch. || Five and Ones, Post-TRF, Case Fic, UST, Homophobia, Friends to Lovers, Pining John, Showering Together, Couple for a Case, Sherlock’s Bum, Fantasies, Jealous Sherlock) – Five times John and Sherlock lost their pants in the course of a case.

Wars We Fought, Things We're Not by blueink3 (M, 55,204 w., 10 Ch. || Post S3 / Post TAB, Parentlock, Fluff & Angst, Kidnapping, Whump, Post-TAB, UST/URT, 3G, Mild Peril, Slow Burn, Couple for a Case, Protective Mycroft, Infant Death Pre-Story, Friends to Lovers) –  Five months after John's world has fallen apart, Mycroft sends the consulting detective and his doctor on a case that neither is prepared for.

A Hundred Crimson Sols by elldotsee (E, 55,536 w., 16 Ch. || Astronauts AU || Mars Exploration / Space Travel, Slow Burn, Shy Sherlock, Scientist Sherlock / Biomed Engineer John, Alternating POV, Mutual Pining, UST, Angst with Happy Ending, Domestic Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, Injuries, Suicidal Ideation, Zero-G Sex) – Will Holmes is a chemical researcher recognized widely for his contributions to the new Mars exploration program. Thanks to his ground-breaking developments, the IMMC (International Mars Mission Corporation) is one step closer to Martian colonization. Will and his team of scientists are headed out on the first of three manned missions before the first group of settlers arrive. Three days before launch, one of the crew has to be replaced. Will panics because...new people. The replacement is of course one John Watson, biomedical engineer and space hottie who was pretty sure he had retired from actual space exploration and was now content to work in the nice, quiet research lab. Can the crew survive this TOTALLY ROUTINE trip? Will they be able to endure each other for the looooooong trip in close quarters? Gonna be a wild ride... prepare for blast off. Part 1 of SpaceBois go to Space

The Baker Street Nativity by SwissMiss (E, 99,662 w., 23 Ch. || Nativity! AU || Teacher Sherlock / TA John, Pining, Sherlock POV, UST, Angst, Christmas, Music/Song Fic, Anal / BJ’s, First Kiss / Time) – Fusion between Sherlock (BBC) and Nativity! (2009 movie starring Martin Freeman). Sherlock is a primary school teacher and John is assigned to be his classroom assistant. Together, they are charged with putting on the school's Nativity play. What could possibly go wrong? Part 1 of The Baker Street Nativity Verse

A Further Sea by i_ship_an_armada & ShinySherlock (E, 125,492 w., 23 Ch. || Historical Pirates AU || Enemies to Friends to Lovers, Doctor John / Pirate Captain Sherlock, Sailing, UST / RST, Masturbation, Action / Adventure, Mild Angst & Peril, Romance, Shaving, Molly/Janine, Bottomlock, Hand / Blow Jobs, Past Drug Use, Slow Burn, Mild Violence, Facial Shaving, Happy Ending) – Here be a tale of adventure for both body and soul, but beware if ye be not of stout heart, for this be piratelock, ya savvy? Luckless ship's surgeon John Watson takes a chance, and finds himself eye to eye with The Ghost, the scourge of the seven seas and a definite thorn in the side of the blaggard, James Moriarty. But when John finds there's more to this most cunning pirate than be meetin' the eye, he has to choose... is it a pirate's life for him?

The Adventure of the Silver Scars by tangledblue (NR [M], 142,458 w., 41 Ch. || S3 Fix-It, Post-HLV/ Post-TAB / Canon Compliant, Case Fic, No Baby, Angst, Humour, UST, Slow Burn, Angry John, Reconciliation, Not Nice Mary / Leaving Mary, Dependent Sherlock, Pining Sherlock, Caretaker John, Fist Fights, It’s An Experiment, Virgin Sherlock, Dancing, Drugging, John Whump, Pet Names, Sherlock’s Mind Palace, Scars) – It’s been thirteen months since Mary shot Sherlock and John finds he’s still pissed off about it. Sherlock had thought everything was settled: John and Mary, domestic bliss. But when John turns up at Baker Street with suitcases, the world’s only consulting detective might not be prepared for the consequences. A new case. Some old scores to settle. Certain danger. Concertos, waltzes, and whisky.

Midnight Blue Serenity by BeautifulFiction (E, 151,907 w., 19 Ch. || Friends to Lovers, Gay Bar / For a Case, Drugs, Pining, Case Fic, UST) – When Sherlock infiltrates a club in order to track down a serial killer, his altered appearance is enough to make John question his assumption that Sherlock is beyond his reach. However, is he the only one who appreciates his flatmate's charms, or is Sherlock at risk of becoming the next victim?

[dramioneasks]

Its not a matter of "some people like different stuff" I don't like marriage law fics and you don't see me here complaining. There are some writers who choose to give their characters more dept or trauma by making them rape victims, and it os ok, thats a different debate. But the fics that you share here under that category, MOST of them are romantizicing rape. Physically Irresistible is one of your favorites and it is a perfect example of that. (CONT)

(CONT) The fact that you're not even open to questioning the way you run this page and are immediately dismissing me by saying " if you don't like, don't read". It's like I know!!! If I don't like ROMANTIC PORTRAYAL OF RAPE I won't read it obviously but that's not the point. The point is that you are actively supporting the making and sharing of that content. And IT IS IMPORTANT, it creates rape culture!!! It prevents women from acting up or even realizing that they're experiencing abuse! (2//3)

AND BDSM HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH RAPE! Or as some people lile to put it non conscent ((THERES NO SUCH THING AS NON CONSENSUAL SEX. ITS RAPE)). BDSM is a super controlled practice and the participants are extremely responsible when done right. (3/3)

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

I am going to direct your attention to these articles:

Novels That Tackle Sexual Assault

THE NECESSITY OF WELL-WRITTEN SEXUAL ASSAULT IN FICTION

I can’t write about a world without rape – because I don’t live in one by Kaite Welsh

Writing Fiction About Sexual Abuse And Sexual Violence In The Era Of #MeToo 

The New York Times article gives a list of books that talk about sexual assault. In each of the other articles it talks about women writers and the topic of sexual assault and rape. 

We are an archive. We archive the stories under the Dramione tag which means that we will come across stories that depict sexual violence, non-consensual and dubious consent.  In the CW: Rape, Non-con/ Dub-con, Abuse tags you are going to find a lot of stories that detail those topics. Whether in a good light or a bad light. 

When we write, we write to make sense of a world that is at times senseless. Over the years, many topics that had been taboo before such as sexual assault, rape or abuse have come to the foreground. 

Many authors write about their experiences with these as a way to heal from their traumas. They use fictional characters to depict the actions of the ones that hurt them. To tell them that they cannot write that and then share their experiences because it adds to rape culture is like telling a BIPOC that they cannot write, create or share their experiences with racism, with sexual assault, with abuse, with the oppression and injustice of our world because you personally think it adds to those cultures. 

There is a place for Dark Fiction. That is what those stories are. They are dark fiction which is a genre of works that depict the ugliness of our word through a fictional means. The authors are then free to express their fears, thoughts and experiences within that realm because they are using fictional characters in real life situations.

Those include stories like The Handmaid’s Tale by Margaret Atwood. 

Do we condone stories that depict rape in a romantic fashion? No. 

Please do not make assumptions that we find pleasure or glee in the depictions of rape. Do not make assumptions that we support anyone that engages in sexual assault. 

On the topic of Consensual Non- Consensual in BDSM:

 The Role of Consent in the Context of BDSM

Safewords and negotiation are especially important in scenes involving rapeplay. Rape-play is the enactment or role play of nonconsensual sex within an invisible structure of pre-negotiated consent (Joyal et al., 2015; Pitagora, 2013; Sandnabba et al., 2002). Scenes involving rape-play, or “consensual non-consent,” require extensive negotiation and planning so that behaviors that would otherwise be indicative of a lack of consent can be performed with the mutual understanding that such behaviors do not, in that instance, signal a desire to stop (Pitagora, 2013). The individuals involved are thus able to act out a nonconsensual fantasy in real life, with safety precautions in place, while freely engaging in outwardly resistant and coercive behaviors. Safewords enable practitioners to safely engage in scenes while acting in ways that would otherwise seem nonconsenting. Participants who endorsed an interest in rape fantasies in a prevalence study by Joyal and colleagues (2015) specified that they would never want to actually have such experiences. Thus, rape fantasies do not necessarily translate to corresponding desire for rape (Masters, Johnson, & Kolodny, 1988). The simulated activity of coercive sex with pre-established consent may be enjoyed, whereas real-life sexual assault would likely be traumatic and unwanted (Critelli & Bivona, 2008).

-   Cara R. Dunkley and Lori A. Brotto, The Role of Consent in the Context of BDSM, Section Safe Words, pages 7- 9, (2019)

The article above is from a scientific research paper on Consent in the realm of BDSM.

I do not have anything to add to what is said because it explains itself quite clearly.

[thosch3i]

So here's my personal ranking of DMBJ adaptations, thanks @mejomonster for the idea :D

(but psst first if anyone seeing this post haven't seen it already, there's an interest check for a pingxie gift exchange! over here.)

1. Ultimate Note (2020)

So I wrote a long ass post about UN here, where I mainly talk about the Iron Triangle because they're the heart of DMBJ and their relationship is what makes or breaks an adaptation for me, all else equal. But thankfully UN also has good pacing, faithfulness to the original story (and honestly a smoother and less confusing way of portraying it, but thats not saying much), no exceptionally cringy added romance plot lines, female characters treated as well as they can be given they were fridged in the source material, and a cast and crew with a deep appreciation and love for the characters and story, making the most of what they could with a tiny budget and no promotion. (UN is now the most highly-rated DMBJ adaptation on douban!) The main cast is a bit green, no doubt, but the longer it goes on the better they get. (If you scroll through my #translation tag far enough you'll find stuff XYL and ZSX have said about their characters. XYL especially, really understands Zhang Qiling and I will always respect him for that, which is why he's my favorite Xiaoge.) I'm just eternally sad about the ending and that there probably won't be a S2 for the main story finale because NPSS won't sell the rights again.

2. The Lost Tomb 2 (2019)

Before UN came out, this was my favorite Iron Triangle. The Pangzi and Xiaoge friendship was also super cute here! A sorely underrated friendship, for sure. And I absolutely adore TLT2 Xiao Hua. He and UN Xiuxiu would make a great team. The entirety of the first half (undersea tomb) was remarkably true to the source material (despite being unnecessarily draggy at points), and I do like that they made the Bronze Tree arc more of an Iron Triangle thing than a Wu Xie solo mission like in the novel. But uh, the second half of this drama was just...really confusing lol with so many long shots of them trudging through snow endlessly. But it's a cute Pingxie and Iron Triangle. (Saw someone once say TLT2 is the fluffy Pingxie but UN is the angsty Pingxie, which......accurate tbh.) But...man...will TLT2.5 (Heavenly Palace) ever be released from jail ;;;;;; its supposedly already filmed (different cast) but can't air for...legal reasons? idk? ;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;

3. Time Raiders (2016)

A wacky movie that makes no logical sense whatsoever but God it was such a fun, wild watch lmao. Pingxie were so unnecessarily gay in this, and also TLT2 Pangzi is great as always. I liked A-Ning being a total badass as well. Movie gets a bit sad when you realize there's a deleted scene canonizing the movie as book!Wu Xie's wishful thinking and fanciful story he told because he misses his friends. In reality, Pan Zi and A-Ning are dead, his San-shu is missing, and he doesn't know if he'll see Xiaoge again (which is why TR!WX is always taking photos of him, I'd say).

4. Qinling Sacred Tree Donghua (2021)

So uh this still doesn't have official English subs (you can find it on a streaming site somewhere but I can't vouch for translation quality). But it's a pretty faithful adaptation of the Bronze Tree arc, but with a slight twist to make Xiaoge more relevant. (I'm still squinting at Liang-shiye.) Still largely a Wu Xie and Lao Yang duo mission, though. But the scenery in the donghua is gorgeous and the food looks really good too...and, like, it's a good and solid adaptation. I just wish it had been an Iron Triangle adventure 😅

5. Sha Hai (2018)

Qin Hao is an amazing Sha Hai Wu Xie. I love him, and the fact that ZSX posted a photo with him ;;;;;;;; my favorite Wu Xies ;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;; (fun fact: to this day, QH's Weibo pfp is of himself as Wu Xie!) But anyway. Yeah I mostly just love Wu Xie here and everything he's gone through and turned himself into now that Xiaoge is gone. There are several UN parallels because they were done by the same company (which is also why a lot of the actors are the same). Unfortunately, the whole plot was....??????? and I wasn't a fan of any of the romances, or any of the side characters in general 😅 Skipped...so much of it lol. Why did they do *gestures vaguely at the entire show* Man at least they had Three Days of Silence. Small mercies.

6. The Lost Tomb 1 (2015)

They did Pangzi so dirty, I'm sorry sweetheart. That aside, the OCs were also a big ?????? and the fact that they had the iconic Iron Triangle hotel fight so early...WITHOUT THE FULL IRON TRIANGLE????????? But TLT1 Pingxie were literally a case of love at first sight soulmates so that was sweet. Also the blood feeding. Nice 👌 This Xiaoge is probably what most of the tomb-robbing world (or very casual dmbj fans ig lmao) see when they think of Zhang Qiling: aloof, mysterious, terrifyingly strong, (and kinda 2000s emo-boy-looking for some reason???)

7. The Lost Tomb Reboot (2020)

Confusingly wild deviations from the original story, really cringy romances + fridged women, and unnecessarily dragged out plot aside, I just wasn't feeling the Iron Triangle in this one 😅 Nor was I a fan of the treatment of Xiaoge. (He was stolen from his mother as a baby and abused by the Zhang family ever since, used as a convenient bloodbag to get around tombs and he didn't even understand he was a human being with a heart who could want things until he met his mother again in Three Days of Silence, where he finally regained the "heart" given to him by his mother that the Zhang family had taken from him...and then the first thing he experienced was the loss of his mother. I think this was the only canonical instance of him crying. After that, he lived a life full of mostly loss and more trauma, being kidnapped, kept naked in a basket, and used as zombie bait when he lost his memories...and knowing all this about his past, Pangzi tells him to use his blood in a tomb, enthusiastically, without hesitation. Like...you don't tell your best friend to cut himself because you think his blood might be useful. Especially not your best friend who you know in his past has been abused just like that since birth by his blood-related "family".) I do, however, think all the actors did amazing jobs with what they were given and are very talented. The effects were also good and the music is fantastic too. I don't think I need to praise Z1L's acting because everyone knows how good he is, and he pulled off that hallucination scene where he saw Xiaoge die for him just beautifully 👌 And Xiaoge smiles! Also very cute.

So yeah that's all the adaptations I've seen! It's past 1:30am so I'm a bit rambly but 🤪🤪🤪

[iampikachuhearmeroar]

okay i’m going to go off about celebs again…. but like…. does anyone remember the gross asf vitriol that went around in 2011-2013 about justin bieber where the joke was “more like justINE bieber am i right??? 😂😂😅😅” from the “haters” of him. i, myself, actually joined in on this; considering that i thought that liking all the emo shit i was into made me “more mature than belibers” or some other absolutely batshit backwards bullshit that i would’ve spat out at the time to sound “edgy” and “NoT LiKe OtHeR GiRlS 👩🏻‍🎤👩🏻‍🎤”….. when in my group at catholic school, i had two girls in my group that were belibers themselves lol. i honestly made zilch sense.

but like to rest on this a bit, what the actual fuck was up with this joke???? why the fuck did the whole world just gang up on this teenage boy, who through no fault of his own, was still going through puberty…. so of course his voice was still going to be high??? and then the weird fucking speculation some fucking gross ass literal grown up adult people had back then of “when do you/we think his balls are going drop, so that we wont be call to be able to call him justine bieber anymore 😅😭??? just let us have our fun??!!” like what the FUCK??? why did everyone think that this was their business??? it wasn’t his fault in a sense that he stumbled into usher and got signed.

like….. no wonder justin’s had several breakdowns over the years. i would too. because how the fuck would you deal with this???? people just throwing out so casually this horrible fucking vitriol that they think you’re a girl OR think that you should get a sex change because it’s obviously a lie that he’s a boy/man OR think that you’re not “just a butch lesbian disguised as a 16yo boy” (these were legit other arguments at the time). like he was a KID for fucks sake. who the fuck asks to go through puberty in the fucking spotlight???? fucking N O O N E thats fucking who. like obviously he’s had a myriad of meltdowns and bad publicity over the years since. but this bullshit would’ve been so fucking horrible to take during the shitty years of puberty and high school to boot. obviously, in the years since, he’s done roast battles with jokes about this, so it’s good that he was able deal with it and joke about it, albeit eventually.

but i would’ve absolutely fucking hated to have all my pubescent behaviour and changes being fucking aired and speculated on in public view, for completely random people, famous or not, to comment on and make fun of. like i’ve talked before about the trouble i had with my period in my teens. i would’ve LOATHED to have that shit aired as it happened, on a red carpet for example. or as im accepting an award or just let alone performing at a show. just mid speech or mid performance. i would’ve bled (leaked) onto an expensive costume or provided expensive designer dress (or my own clothes/outfit) because my flow for a particular month/week was uber heavy. or god forbid, i wouldve thrown up mid-press-junket-interview on air or almost fucking passed out as well, depending on how my cycle/ovaries/hormones were feeling during a particular month/week.

like this is besides my point in a sense, but still. i would’ve had this aired and speculated on if i’d been catapulted to fame at the same time as bieber (and keep in mind, he is literally only a year older than me). but my period struggles would have been spun as “are you SURE this GIRL isn’t a BOY who knows nothing about period products??? does she know ANYTHING about pads & tampons so she WON’T bleed onto her dress or the like??? what a lazy, disgusting “girl”!” or “does she KNOW just how WEAK she is for NOT controlling her period pain??? how dare she pass out mid-show??? does she know she’s FAKING IT??? what a weak person, just GET UP and PERFORM, MONKEY because PERIODS ARENT THAT BAD!!! just think like a MAN and your period pain will go away!” or some other bizarre speculative bullshit that has absolutely nothing to do with anyone else.

when unbeknownst to anyone, i would’ve had about 5 advil tablets to both deal with my utterly unbearable period pain and unfathomably blinding and mind-numbing hormonal period headache, right before the said event or interview or whatever the fuck celeb duty i was carrying out. i would’ve had heat pads on, i would have been dizzy when arriving to and leaving from sets, etc etc etc. and finally, i would’ve been incredibly tired during all of this…… because of how much my periods fucked me around as a teen, to the point that some nights i couldn’t even fucking sleep properly. or the only reprieve i would get from the pain would be the aforementioned 5 advil tablets and an all day nap. on top of all this, i probably would’ve had to BEG (all because video call interviews weren’t particularly popular back then) for some like video call interview type thing from my bedroom or home studio or whatever, just to avoid going into an actual studio & set so i could just lay in bed or sit somewhere comfortable for the whole interview. and again etc etc etc because of all the other problems i had with my periods in my teens til my early fucking 20s, that i’ve mentioned several times on/in various posts on this hellsite over the years.

and the same goes for female stars like sasha pieterse from PLL when she opened up about her struggle with PCOS, and halsey with sharing her struggle with endometriosis. i would’ve hated to go through those medical conditions in the spotlight. i feel for them. it’s also the same thing with boobs: where the most famous example in recent years is ariel winter from modern family….. with how she needed a breast reduction because her boobs were giving her back problems and stuff, because she was like an F cup or something. and she also hated the creepy ass comments she was getting from gross dudes about how nice her boobs were or whatever the fuck, even while she was still a teen on the show.

anyway. back to bieber. i only say this because literally like last year or in 2019, the bieber joke appeared in my feed again in the first time in YEARS and i ended up tagging one of my old catholic school friends like “how the fuck do people still think this is funny?? it’s so 2011. and come to think of it, it was never funny in the first place anyway”. like both the media and the public had absolutely no right to speculate this shit and invade a young teen boy’s privacy like this??? it was so fucked up. idk why i didn’t make a post about it at the time…. but it also came into my mind just now because i commented on a post about justin bieber the other night about how he’s had fans stalk him to his nyc apartment again. like when the actual fuck will people fucking learn to let celebs have their goddamned privacy lmao.

[nagdabbit]

so as someone who has never watched GCW or CZW or seen Nick Gage wrestle, but wants to be prepared for what mayhem may come on Dynamite, would I regret buying the Homecoming Day 1?

maybe. if you're not into deathmatch/hardcore wrestling, it might be A Bit Much to start with. also, gcw shows cost cash monies, as you said. for me? absolutely worth it, the card is absolutely stacked. hell, 2 cold scorpio whoopin ass at 55 years old was worth the price of admission. but if you don't know what you're getting yourself into, it might put you off.

i'd suggest starting easy (and free) with some beyond matches on youtube. beyond wrestling is a great promotion, gage's second home after gcw, they always put on fuckin bangers of shows. and they put out a shitton of free matches on youtube!

gage vs g-raver, 50,000 thumbtacks match.

a nice, easy appetizer. a good place to dip your toe into the hardcore shit. (i'd also suggest looking into an iwtv sub and finding the 100,000 thumbtack match from halloween 2019 [? i think? i dont have it open in front of me]. nick gage vs mance warner. heckuva time.)

gage vs addy starr, no dq. we love and support intergender wrestling in this house. if you arent a fan, for personal reasons, skip this one. i get it. if you think it shouldnt exist at all, then we will have words.

anyway, great match. made me fall a little in love with addy, good show all around. (pretty sure that was the same show with chris dickinson vs effy, which isn't related, but i sincerely loved it and recommend that match to anyone who will listen. or, this was the double header with gcw, and that match was on the the show.)

i cant think the gage match will go harder than dr. britt baker d.m.d. vs thunder rosa, or the bunkhouse match, or the first mox vs omega match with the barbed wire web. there *is* a limit to what you can show on cable tv, after all. but if you enjoyed those, there's a good chance you'll end up enjoying homecoming. but, as evidenced above, gage clearly knows what he's doing, too. he can hit whatever level they need him to. hell, go look up ndk (nerder death kill, his tag team with thomas santell--ask me about ndk, i love ndk) matches. he can actually wrestle, too. hell, i like his one winged angel better than kenny's. yeah. i fuckin said it. come at me.

anyway, my point was, its probably not going to end up as violent as we want it to. he can work well within set parameters, ie: tv ratings. he's coming off the b r u t a l match last night. hes been teased for homecoming part 2 tonight. mans gotta be hurting.

but, just in case they let him do his thing, here's a little taste of the true god of this shit.

gage vs shlak. this is, i think, what we're all wanting, expecting, and hoping for for wednesday night. absolute fucking mayhem. blood. lighttubes. pizza cutters to the face. total fucking destruction.

this isn't a full match, but i will always put pro wrestling cinema over. they do good work. but DO search this full match out if you wanna spend money (rspring break from gcw' the collective event over wrestlemania weekend. delightful show). highly recommend. but even just in highlight form, set to dmx songs, this fucks. it remains one of the hardest, bloodiest, most painful--even for me--gage matches i've seen in recent memory, outstanding work. may dmx rest in peace, one of the best there ever was or will be.

if you're enjoying yourself, and you find that you dont mind spending money on the king, i would highly suggest: gage vs effy from the gcw/black lable pro double feature, 2 cups stuffed. im pretty sure the whole show is on iwtv, but it might be a buy from fite (which, if theyre still doing the "download the app and get like 10 bucks of credits," do it. this isn't an ad, but thats basically a free ppv). one of my favorite matches. effy brought it. absolutely insane. a+ would recommend.

also, the gage vs allie kat texas deathmatch which gave the world the best wrestling promo to exist ever.

and also gage vs aj gray from gcw draft day in may. it has everything. mayhem. gage retaining the title (😭 fuck you cardona). aj gray being a baddass. a jon moxley run in. ron funches on comentary. great time all around.

i may have gotten distracted a lot because i havent had coffee yet, but i just love nick gage, y'all.

[latetaektalk]

tag games

tagging : @cosmoguk ​ @jtrbluv @yeojaa @opaljm @sleepyjhs @gyukult @jentwt @cafemiya​ @masterninjacow ​​ @gamerkooks ​ and everyone else that has tagged me

tag game one : fic writers ask game

tagged by : @luvdsc​ thanks cat! this is super fun ✨

Which new trope would you like to try writing?

ex-friends-to-lovers!! in general i love any ex type of tropes!! a heist! au would be fun too

Which trope do you want to write again?

exes! like, i genuinely love that trope so much and feel like theres not enough out there!

Which draft are you most excited to post?

i dont write multiple stories at the same time, so the newest chapter of love to hate you

Is there any new genre you want to explore?

hm i guess fluff? i kinda write angst by default because i think fluff is kinda... boring and not dramatic enough, so i guess i wanna try out fluff!

Do you have a favorite line in any of your drafts up to now?

“Can’t you at least pretend like you think I’m funny?”

“Yeah, that costs extra.”

“And you scolded Jisoo for exploiting me,” Jungkook bit back.

“Well, you said you’re all mine to exploit, didn’t you?” you hummed, scrunching your nose. “You are my boyfriend after all, right?”

Jungkook stared at you, blinked three times before tilted his head to the side and tongued his cheek, defeat.

“Touché.”

Have you decided on any creative goals for 2021?

not really! i just try to write, have fun and improve honestly!

Describe your journey on this blog last year in three words! And three more words for what you hope for 2021!

2020: growth, friendships, fun

2021: growth, friendships, fun (dont really wanna change anything! im having fun!)

tag game two : 10 songs, 10 people

rules : you can tell a lot about a person from the type of music they listen to. put your favorite playlist on shuffle and list the first ten songs. then tag ten people. no skipping!

playlist chosen : love to hate you

kiss me - sixpence none the richer

anything you want - jawny

can i call you tonight? - dayglow

heartbreak in a box - juice

daydreaming - marc wavy

lover boy - phum viphurit

let’s fall in love for tonight - finneas

dontmakemefallinlove - cuco

strangers in a dream - phum viphurit

afterglow - taylor swift

tag game three : interview

rules : answer questions and tag 20 blogs you are contractually obligated to know better!

tagged by : @lcksndkys thank you so much! these are a ton of fun ✨

name/nickname : linh 

pronouns : she/her

star sign :  scorpio 

height : around 170 cm or 5′7 

time currently : 10:30 pm

when is your birthday : nov 9th

favorite band/groups : exo, red velvet, bts, nct, superm, blackpink, twice

favorite solo artist : taylor swift, olivia rodrigo, harry styles, finneas

song stuck in your head : gone by rose

last movie you watched : get smart, i think

last show you binged : taskmaster

when you created your (main) blog : like april 2019 maybe?  

last thing you googled : how many seconds in a year

other blogs : this and my recs blog

why i chose my url : like late night talk, so i turned the night into taek because of taehyung, baekhyun and taeyong afdfsa

how many people are you following : 305

how many followers do you have : around 1.7k

average hours of sleep : uh not much? idk online class is kinda killing my sleep schedule

lucky number : 7

instruments : piano

dream job : dont know, but something that i enjoy and make good money at?

dream trip : vietnam, china, south korea, japan, england, france, netherlands

favorite food : potatoes, salmon, dim sum 

nationality : chinese 

favorite song : cruel summer by taylor swift,, its literally my most played song of 2020

top three fictional universes you’d like to live in : marvel, atla, we bare bears

tag game four : this or that 

indoor plants or gardens // cloud-watching or star-gazing // water or fire // paperback or hardcover // running or hiking // sleeping with socks or without socks // fruit or vegetables // hanging plants or succulents // dark wood or light wood // handwritten or typed // instagram or pinterest // braids or pigtails // dc or marvel // books or movies // oceans or meadows // forests or fields // sweet or salty // ice cream or chocolate // hoodies or sweaters // long hair or short hair // piercings or tattoos // summer or winter // boots or sneakers // cars or motorcycles // curls or straight hair // castles or cottages // sunny days or storms // reptiles or birds // disney or nickelodeon // strawberries or watermelon // essays or posters // phones or laptops // glass or stone // dark or light // photos or paintings // circuses or theatres // reading or writing // dogs or cats // poetry or novels // monsters or ghosts // thrift shops or libraries // fiction or non-fiction

tag game five : ten biases tag

rules : write down your top 10 biases and answer the following questions

seulgi

baekhyun

taehyung

joohyun

jungkook

jennie

chaeyoung

nayeon

mark

jongin

1. between 1 and 4 who would you rather kiss?

uhm cant i just kiss both? i could never choose between the two sadfsd

2. between 2 and 7 who would be your best friend?

chaeyoung because she speaks english but also because i feel like she and i would hit it off better

3. between 5 and 10 who has the better voice?

love jongin and his voice, but yeah jungkook 

4. between 1 and 8 who is the funniest?

ohh thats hard, but i think its nayeon adsfas 

5. between 6 and 9 who would you date?

jennie. if i have the chance to date kim fucking jennie, im dating kim fucking jennie. bye mark im not even sorry

6. between 9 and 10, who would you do a collaboration with?

mark! i feel like working with him would be so funny because he just talks and talks and talks asdfdas

7. between 4 and 8 who is the best dancer?

joohyun! 

8. between 3 and 5 who would you most likely marry?

uhm uhm uhm- i think im gonna go with taehyung? mainly because of yeontan asdadsf

9. between 1 and 7 who would you nurse when they are sick?

seulgi no fucking question asdfsd like sorry, bestie chaeyoung, but seulgi just owns my heart :((

10. between 2 and 3 who has the better smile?

i dont think this is fair at all?? because both have such gorgeous smiles?? im not choosing asdfs

11. between 6 and 8 who would you vacation with?

jennie! feel llike she would pay for everything and kinda spoil me,, also feel like she would want to do the craziest shit

[thescarleteyes]

𝘛𝘩𝘦 𝘍𝘭𝘰𝘸𝘦𝘳 𝘰𝘧 (𝘜𝘯)𝘙𝘦𝘲𝘶𝘪𝘵𝘦𝘥 𝘓𝘰𝘷𝘦 - Chapter 6. Pairing: Edward Elric/Envy (Fullmetal Alchemist: Brotherhood) Rating: Mature. Tags: Hanahaki, Love/Hate, Unrequited Love. Trigger Warnings for things such as coughing up blood medical procedures. Possible angst. Word Count: 7,515 for all chapters. 1,336 for Chapter 6. Original Date of Publication: September 24, 2019.

Summary (for all chapters): Months after the promised day, and months after Envy had managed to wiggle away and survive Mustang’s wrath, they’ve discovered that they now cough up flower petals. Unsure of what this means for them, they consult Ed, who they had been trying to get closer to since the conclusion of the Promised Day, who told them that it must mean their in love. But Envy? Capable of loving? Surely it wasn’t possible. After all, they hated humans, and it was hard for them to feel any other emotion than envy and its variations. And if they were, would he ever love them back after all they had done?

Chapter 1 | Chapter 2 | Chapter 3 | Chapter 4 | Chapter 5 | Chapter 6 | Chapter 7

Notes from Ao3:  haha this was fun :> love the fact im posting it a day before my birthday AND ALso the end of the chapter (the talk between Ed + Envy at the end) was written while listening to lo-fi w/ my girlfriend thats why its a little softer alfkjakl

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Envy knew that they'd be in for it when they woke up. Not that they had actively fallen asleep - they woke up after about an hour and decided to just lay there, next to Ed, holding his hand till he woke up. They wouldn't admit it, to themselves or to Ed, but laying next to him was the happiest they had felt since they had lost their siblings. It was the closest thing to calm that they could imagine. The only thing that could break it was the need to cough at least every thirty minutes at maximum. But they'd cough, wipe their face off, and return to the calm state of holding Edward Elric's sleeping hand at what they could assume was four A.M. Ed woke up around an hour later. The sun hadn't risen yet, not that they would be able to see it down where they were, but Ed insisted that he couldn't sleep any longer and that he needed to stay awake. It took him a moment to realize that Envy had grabbed his hand while he was sleeping. "E-Envy are you," he said sleepily, having only been awake for a short time. They snatched their hand away quickly before he could finish his sentence, "No". "Mmmm.. Pretty sure you were." "I think your imagining things in your half-awake, delirious state." "There's no way I could be delirious, your just in denial. It's okay Envy, I did the same to Ling once." "You have? It's not like I did, I'm just surprised you slept with my once brother." Ed laughed and lightly hit Envy in the arm, "Don't say it that way! Makes it sound worse than it actually was. But you know I traveled with him, so it's not a big deal." "You did, didn't you? Traveling with Greed sounds like a horrible time." They said, finally pushing themselves up and stretching their arms. "Say Ed, did we have anything planned today? Any tests you needed to run?" Ed followed Envy and sat up, "Hmmmm. Well, I should probably see if the hanahaki has gotten worse. Then perhaps we should go out so I can have some food to eat." They sighed, "I assure you, it hasn't gotten worse. Still coughing every thirty minutes or so, but nothing more than that, I swear!" Ed pondered their response a bit, mostly because this was Envy who said it and they usually couldn't be trusted. "Alright. Well, if you say it's still fine then it most likely is...." He paused. "Is it even possible for you to get to the critical stage? If the roots were to enter your lungs all the way, wouldn't any damage done to your lungs just heal right away?" Ed muttered, just barely audible. Envy piped up, "What was that? Don't believe me?" Ed sighed and shook his head. "No I believe you, just get ready, we should go out and get some food."

Getting ready is always a bit hard when you don't own clothing. Ed had brought a bag with his own clothing, so he was fine. But Envy's just needed to shapeshift to change their clothing, so they didn't really own any. No need to when you can change it yourself. Ed was wearing a simple grey shirt, and black pants and boots, Pretty plain for him, but if you looked you'd notice that the pants were definitely leather and tighter than they should have been, and that his boots were still the platform boots. Envy had changed much more - their hair was now more of a brown color than blackish-green and was tied up in a ponytail. They had a black tank top on that was cut a bit too low and a pair of pants similar to Ed's for once. They had proper sandals on this time around, no gloves, and opted to make their eyes blue. "Heh, how do I look, better than before~?" They said, making various poses while looking at Edward. "You look fine, Envy. Let's get going." He replied, smiling, and headed towards the door.

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The place they went to was just the first market they could find in Central. They didn't really talk much, since Envy was just tagging along while Ed grabbed himself food. They didn't need to eat, so they figured that they didn't have much of a say in what food the other bought. Occasionally though, Envy would pick something up and show it to Ed. Ed usually shook his head no and Envy would walk away, sadly, to go put the item back. Eventually, Ed tapped Envy's shoulder, "Are you always this quiet when shopping?" "I've never been shopping before with someone else. I don't need the food, so I'm not saying anything. Out of character, I know." Ed just snickered and went back to picking up vegetables. Envy started coughing when they were trying to buy the items and made some customers worried, but Ed managed to keep them from trying to help. Trying to help would only result in Envy blowing up at someone. And considering how explosive Envy could be, that was for the best. Even if they seemed to be upset about Ed protecting them. After all, they were a homunculus! They didn't need help. They knew how to fight if they needed to.

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Once the two arrived at home, and Ed had managed to find a place to put the food he bought (there were no shelves inside the underground hideout the homunculi had made. There was no reason for them, so Father never made any, and Envy wasn't one to change the decor when they were the only ones down there most of the time.), the two of them sat down across from each other in the main room of the hideout. Ed was eating something he had bought, but also looked a bit nervous to start up a conversation. After a few more moments of silence, Ed asked, "...Say Envy, what was life like down here?" "Well... Most of us were gone most of the time. Father spent a lot of time alone down here. He was constantly sending us out on missions. When we were home though...," Envy paused. Was it okay for them to tell Ed how their family used to function? they thought. But their family was not there to stop them from revealing all of their secrets. "Before Greed deflected and ran away, Father was not a good man. He treated us simply as tools. It's part of the reason Greed tried to take us with him before he left. I lashed out and refused. Lust was too loyal. Pride he never bothered to ask." Envy stopped talking at that point. There was a sadness in their eyes that Ed hadn't seen before, and he wasn't sure what to say to them. "I never did think that you homunculi would have had it bad down here. But.. what sort of missions were you sent on? What did you?" "..Isn't that obvious Edward? I was Father's instigator - but with that I would shapeshift to get information out of people. You don't give me the information, you die. Simple as that." "How far did your instigation go? How far did you go for information?" "I resort to violence! Most of the time if you didn't get what I want I could become your loved one or threaten your loved ones. Worked in most cases. Lust went to more.. drastic measures." "Alright. All of this fits with what we learned about you before the Promised Day. So you never used sex as a tactic, that was all Lust?" "I don't have any sort of parts and I wasn't very interested in it. So no, I have not done any of it." There was a pause between the two and an awkward silence hung in the air. This went on for several minutes, but Ed was the first to speak up- "Would you be interested right now?"

[thelittlehansy]

Discussing ( again) if A Frozen Heart is canon.

To talk about it i m gonna talk about the many fair issues point out by fans in the book to doubt the book is canon.

No chris buck and lee approval.

I think the most likely scenario here is that a frozen heart belongs to all that stuff disney makes and planned when a disney movie come out it most likely they plan it since 2013 and since that book is the movie. It just retell it with Hans and Anna thought disney didnt think that book needed jeenifer lee and chris buck approval. It retell the movie but Without changing thing just putting stuff. Like for example i dont think they wait for Linda woolverton approval. When they publish novelization of maleficent (2014) same for pirate of the careebean.  As for the backstory what is mainly new mabe disney give directive to Elizabeth rudnick it was establish that Hans had a not good life in his Homeland and luckyly it fit with jennifer lee words later. I just dont think disney makes a big deal about Hans bacsktory. On the contrary of the fans who analyze everything and are supiscious of Hans life in his homeland. Disney seems to not makes a big deal about that. For them its clear their character got a shit life.since they publish the short comic with little Hans having scraps of his brothers food in disney storied place. that seems to be canon for them. 

inconsistency

Visual inacuracy

I tried to makes research in how many times time a book get publish. And its around 2 years. Traditional publishing take around 24 month. So october 2015 ? Thats move us to october 2013. So thats is most likely this book was wrote in 2013 when the movie didnt even come out. It will be faithful to elizabeth rudnick interview who said in it disney send her script and didnt even have the visual to work it. Thats is one of the issues she adress in her interview talking about fans who had issues with thing that are not right. So i think thats give us a solid explication as why hans eyes turn blue and sitron turn white.

"One of the hardest thing of novelization of a film script is that it changes no matter what the script i get it never gonna be the script that goes that you see on the film and There is a lot of time i Will get review and poeple will be there thats different from the movie and well i didnt have acess to the final script. So i get i mean they tried to give me the shooting script they tried and its very rare for me to get images or visual and i have To thought about whats going on in the script when there is an action scene i have To be hoping that what i m describing will reflect what is on the film. When i try to describe character outfit and expression i dont necesserarly know" ( 2019 interview can be find on youtube)

2- age

The age of hans 23 years old was talk in november 2013 in a jennifer lee tweet where she said she think Hans is 23. This is possible that Elizabeth rudnick has maybe finished writing the manuscript after fixed stuff like sitron name who was confirm in september 2013 by lee but didnt fixed the age maybe didnt knew jeenifer lee has give an age on her Twitter. In the encyclopedia of disney i found one day hans information said he had 12 older brothers and that his horse name is sitron so the horse name of hans seems to be very official stuff nothing at disney nothing is said about his age

Scene that were added.

While going thought the Elizabeth rudnick tag on twitter Someone said about maleficent a cut scene was in the book and the person was glad it was supress on the movie. It is possible that scene who was added where part of the script disney give to Elizabeth rudnick was not part of the movie at the end. (I think thats when Hans talk to the diplomat before talking To the duke) it is also faithful to what Elizabeth rudnick said she dont have the final script.so in the end the inconstitencies are more here because of elizabeth rudnick actually works for disney that here because she didnt do her research

4- Arendelle southern isles/Frozen Fever 

arendelle being away from the southern isles in the book. but close in frozen fever. so following what i say i think therefore this is possible the manuscript was wrote in 2013. and frozen fever i think began to be created around 2014 ? So thats could explain also this. And they miss that part.🤷‍♀️

The book is a fanfiction or its another universe.

I can understand this point about fanfiction but while doing research Elizabeth rudnick is someone that has been hire several times by disney to wrote their movies. Mulan (2020)lion king ( 2019)Aladdin (2019)A Frozen Heart (2015)Maleficent (2014)The Curse of Maleficent: The Tale of a Sleeping Beauty (2014)Mistress of Evil (2019)Thor (2011)captain america Pirates of the CaribbeanDead Men Tell No Tales (2017)Cinderella (2015)Beauty and the Beast (2017)

About the alternate The book is the movie. It change nothing but added the thought of Anna and Hans. Thats the same universe. And thats is not an anormal stuff to wrote a book from a character point of view. Divergent did it. we get to be in four head. same for the new twilight book where we are in the point of view of edward. Even from a different auhtor it will still be the same universe. so i can understand how the book can seem not canon because the woman who wrote it didnt work on the development of the character on the movie. so the argument will be more “ i dont consider this book canon because the development of the character was not wrote by the original screnwritor” and not “ i dont consider this book canon because that’s another universe”. adding thought about a character point of view doesnt make it another universe.also jennifer lee and chris buck are busy they cant wrote all the books of the franchise of frozen who has developp into a huge stuff because they are the original writor. (I read One day a team was created for that stuff.)

The book seems to be link to official information.

What makes me think that is the name of Agnarr. I read fans back in 2015 saying the book got agnarr wrong   and how they hope they are gonna fix the book mistakes in how this is not agnarr but agdar. and in the end ...well the names is actually wrote Agnarr. So the book has information the fans didnt have...weird that’s a offcial book publish by disney press and officially therefore approved by the walt disney compagny is right in how to spell the king name  and not the fans who translate it.. 🙃

.we are not sure if the book is canon

 yeah i agree ! We are not sure if that book is canon to the movies. Its publish by disney press and a several people work on it. Thats a still a big stuff. I think Disney is aware About whats they publish

It is pretty solid.

"Disney Publishing Worldwide (DPW), formerly known as The Disney Publishing Group and Buena Vista Publishing Group, is the publishing subsidiary of Disney Parks, Experiences and Products, a subsidiary of The Walt Disney Company.[2] Its imprints include Disney Editions, Disney Press,[3] Kingswell,[4] Freeform, and Hyperion Books for Children.[5] It has creative centers in Glendale, California, and in Milan, Italy.[3]"

they are also the productor editor of the book also , the one that makes the cover. so i think the one in charge of the frozen franchise are actually aware about the existence of A Frozen Heart just like all of their book anyway. The one who said yes or no this is disney itself and they planned their stuff very carefully there are organized. So now imagine we are in some far far away hypotethical future where Hans go back in the franchise ? i just dont think Disney will suddenly let Hans have twins brothers names goerges and lucas. the oldest is alphonse and he got 5 nice brothers and his mom is actually the bitch and his father the loving one. i mean they seems to want to makes thing consistent in this franchise and how they are actually names of kingdoms that are the same in several stuff in the frozen franchise it seems they want to keep stuff faiftful in the franchise at the difference of other franchise like lion king.

The only detail i have see change is Anna horse kjekk who was also name kjekk in one or two others stuff and turn into havski in others material. After checking in october 2013 disney publish a book not wrote by Elizabeth rudnick a junior book where the horse name is kjekk so possible thats why they went for kjekk and thought the times they forgot they had give a name for the horse. But here Thats Anna horse not a whole new character. So that’s why i beleive ( maybe i m wrong ?) that if in some far far faaaaar away future disney want to used Hans family ( the main thing new in a frozen heart because you know the rest...is the movie) they are gonna kept  Caleb , Lars , Rudi , Runo. the name who were used. I think that’s this is most likely that what was for Agnarr would also be for Lars caleb rudi runo if we may to see them one day.🤷‍♀️

I just found that book has its credibility. it is not a independant stuff wrote by.a stranger who told a very different thing that the movie. But thats ok to just dont consider it canon because of disliking stuff in it. I personally didnt like how all the prince of the southern isles were bully to Hans.