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Dark Nights of the Soul
Burnham & Rayner
Add on scene post Labyrinths. A Burnham having faced her fears remains uncertain of her place.
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It’s not the daytime where her fears come to play, rather its the night-time with its dark pause between the moments of light and there are only so many hours one can spend in Red's avoiding the thoughts that echo in her mind. Was Starfleet right in putting a convict in charge of Discovery, would Saru have made the better Captain, was she the right person? So many thoughts would echo in her mind, so many thoughts and doubts and recriminations. Sometimes, even though she slept alone these days, the bed felt to crowded with the ghosts of decisions both past and present. Sometimes she found a couple of hours of slumber, most of the time she was sleep on her couch, but there were nights, like tonight, where sleep would not be found. The ghosts were loud, and had developed a corporeal heaviness that weighed on her soul. Nights like tonight, she knew, they would not be assuaged.
Sighing deeply she, drew herself up from her couch, perhaps an hour or two at Red's and witnessing the lives of her crew would help. She threw her shoulders back as she got to doors of her quarters and turned to try putting the day to bed, and perhaps give her psyche some semblance of quieting. Stepping out of her quarters and into the corridor she began a path to the bar where her crew would let their hair down off shift. Entering she noticed the bar was mostly empty and a glance at the chronometer on the wall showed that it was slowly creeping up on the small hours of the night, only a few hardy souls were left nursing their beverages in the dimmed lights, haunting the shadows. Only one figure chose the brighter light of the bars bar itself.
Moving to the bar she slid into the seat next to him and gave him a gentle smile. Before ordering the same radioactive beverage as Commander Rayner.
“I see Tilly is having some influence on you,” the joke light as Michael laughed quietly. Rayner looked at his drink and sighed.
“I had to see if it was toxic or not, it certainly looks like something dreamed up by someone nefarious.” Rayner tilted the glass in his hand before taking a swig of the drink. His eyebrows rose in approval, “it’s not a poison,” he smiled at Michael and smiled, “and to what honour does Red's owe to a visit from the Captain.” Rayner looked at Michael with an evaluating look as he waved a hand to Red, motioning for the same drink to be provided to Michael. Michael could feel the gaze boring into her, this was a man who could size up anyone who was in front of him, friend or foe.
“To a disquieting of the soul.” She sighed, sometimes honesty was the only thing she had left to her when speaking to Rayner, with him there was no hiding. It was a quality she appreciated the most, and also ne she occassionally dreaded. “The archive managed bring up a few things for me.” Michael explained as her own glass was filled. Lifting it she stared at the liquid as though she could find the solutions to all that ailed her. Derex had certainly opened up the Pandora's box of inner questions.
“You never quite said what happened, in the final test. What is it – ‘a problem shared is a problem halved' after all.” Rayner prompted with a quirk of an eyebrow and a half smile. It had been an interesting path to tred to connection, and even though there was only a few months under her command he had begun to see the value in the connection this crew had to one another. Even if his connection only extended most directly to only his Captain, and somewhat begrudgingly to Lieutenant Tilly at the moment.
“Derex was a neuroscientist from an telepathic race. It almost seems fitting that her test would be one that probed my fears.” Michael said before taking a sip of her drink, “to prove my worth I had to acknowledge my fears.” Rayner sat in silence, giving Michael the space she needed after her admission. “The avatar asked if I was afraid of death,” she laughed in derision, “I’m not, I said that to the avatar. My fears are little less existential than that.”
She took a larger drink of her beverage and sat the glass on the glass top of the bar. Her mind still focused on the Archive. “I’m the same Michael Burnham I was when I got diverted from the penal colony by Lorca. I'm still proving my worth, still doubting my worth or if I should be a Captain, or if I even deserve the uniform.” Part of her hated herself for admitting to the weakness, as illogical as it was, and another felt relief that there was at least one person she had told it to. She had been half way through that door when she had been 30 years in the future with Rayner, but she hadn't been able to walk through it. Derex’s program had apparently provided the final push.
Rayner turned in his seat and held Michael’s eyes with an intensity. “You are a damn fine Captain, Burnham. One of the best, if I am honest. You deserve to be Discovery's Captain, you are doing a damn good job, and when I look at all the shit you have been through with this crew, and in your life, I'm not surprised. You have never given up or given in, you've trusted the voice in your head, the one that has gotten you this far, the one that changes the outcome, the one that enables you to connect, and even made me connect to people. The Breen took that away when I lost my family, you gave it back to me when I joined Discovery.” Rayner drank the final dregs of his drink and placed the cup on the bar before standing “You are worthy, you do deserve it, and you are in the right place,” smiling he placed a hand on Michael's shoulder, “and I am still not a ‘yes' man.”
Michael’s eyes tracked Rayner as he turned and left the bar. Rayner was an enigma at times, but he was a fine officer himself, she was glad she had followed both her gut and Saru's advice on choosing her first officer, she felt assured with him as her number one – an assurance she had only truly had with Book during her year as a courier. Sighing, she looked at her drink before raising it once more and draining the glass's contents. Standing she tugged her tunic back into place, straightened her shoulders and checked the chronometer. An hour had passed and though it was an hour less sleep that she would have, this night didn't seem so heavy or dark anymore, and maybe that was enough to sleep for a few hours at least.
#startrekdiscovery #rayner #burnham
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Okay so, I've finally finished reading the transcript for every episode I've listened to until now, and taking notes for each one. Since the podcast already ended I can't share my theories with anyone, and my friends are waaay behind me... so I thought I'd post it here, just to have it somewhere
Spoilers up to MAG 144
(THIS IS A REALLY LONG POST!!)
Here are my main notes and theories until now, by fear (and some extra comments). The Eye is the one I have the most questions about, ironically:
Note: the people with an (x) are marked as dead. The ones with (-) are unknown.
1. The Eye
Important people:
Elias Bouchard: Joined the institute in 1991 and became head of the institute in 1996. He used to work in artifact storage. Graduated from Christchurch (MAG 49)
Jonathan Sims: Not much to say. Love the guy. Uhmmm he starts being called "Archivist" in the transcripts from MAG 43 onwards. He is in the dreams of people whose statements he has taken, except the ones that work in the Institute.
James Wright(x): Former head of the Institute(1973-1996). His initials match with the coin from MAG 23 (Johann von Württemberg), which could mean something, or could mean nothing.
Gertrude Robinson(x): Died on March 15, 2015. She planned to destroy the Archives with the help of Leitner (stopping a ritual, I assume)
Gerard Keay(x): :( I miss him. His father (Eric) used to work for the Institute but left when he was born.
Basira Hussain: I’m putting her here because she was REALLY eager to learn when she joined the institute. Also, she has been called "Detective" by Elias a few times and it could be a title like Jon's "Archivist". Not related but I need her to stop treating Jon like that, although I understand that she's scared and wants control.
Jonah Magnus (-): Founded the institute in 1818. He knew Smirke, Rayner, (Mordechai?) Lukas, George Gilbert Scott, and Albrecht von Closen. He constructed the Institute above the tunnels of Millbank Prison (good place for the whole Eye thing after all). I've got a lot of questions about the guy. Those are below
Albrecht von Closen(x): Found that mausoleum on MAG 23, and after taking that one book he started getting closer to The Eye. He died just after putting back every book in the mausoleum, possibly because he rejected the entity?
Johann von Württemberg(x?): Or "Ulrich's bastard". WHO IS THIS GUY. I LITERALLY HAVE NOTHING.
Theories and doubts:
1. The institute was founded in 1818, but Millbank was completed in 1821 and demolished in 1890. Was the institute in another place until then, was it the prison itself, or did it simply not exist physically until after 1890? Jonah owned the prison, so he might have constructed it as a way to serve The Eye, and then transformed it into the Institute after he had a lot of statements.
2. How did Eric manage to leave the institute? Maybe he just wasn't too involved? Gertrude knew about him though
3. The blind man from MAG 23 might've not had eyes because he tried to reject The Eye. I really want to know who this person is.
4. Did Jonah attempt a ritual? He must have. If so, why did it fail (DID it fail?)? And did something happen to him?
5. On MAG 29 Jon said that Elias was working as a filing clerk in 1972. This does not match with the information from MAG 49, which is probably just a continuity error, but I still wanted to mention it. If it's not a continuity error, my theory is weird other-dimension stuff. My other theory is Elias messing with other people's minds.
2. The Spiral
Important people:
Michael [Shelley] (x): RIP
Helen [Richardson]: Not much to say, I just hope she doesn't betray Jon/Melanie/Basira (she probably will) (I'm sad)
"People-who-are-not-there"?: Like the one from Upon the stair (MAG 85). They were also described in MAG101
Gabriel(x? In the Great Twisting): Worker of clay
Doubts:
My only question is if there was another "Identity" that was created from the spiral before Michael. Just curious.
3. The End
Important people:
Mary Keay(x)
Oliver Banks / Antonio Blake: he said “in my other statements” on MAG 121 so I’m hoping that he shows up again…
Justing Gough(-): He was lobotomized so uhmmmm I guess no more carbon monoxide
Georgina Barker: I find it curious that Jon cannot feed on her fear from the dreams because she can't feel fear (MAG 120)
Nathaniel Thorp and the others that have "evaded" death
4. The Stranger
Important people:
NotThem(-): I would take them as just one entity, honestly. Or simply one monster
Anglerfish / taxidermy guys(-): the ones from MAG 1
Nikola Orsinov(x): Created by Gregor Orsinov(x)
Breekon and Hope(x): have worked with The Web, the circus, and maybe The Corruption?
Nikolai Denikin(x), others from the circus...
Leanne Denikin: I hope she’s doing okay
It's hard to pinpoint specific important people here because they change all the time. Also, I don't know if I should mark them as dead because they have many bodies.
Note: they had a ritual in 1787
5. The Lonely
Important people:
Peter Lukas
Nathaniel Lukas: Sponsored the Daedalus space station.
Mordechai Lukas (1824): at this point I'm not sure if he's Peter Lukas or not. Do these people really die? Weird
Martin Blackwood: MARTIN PLEASE GET OUT OF HERE PLEAAAAAAAAASEEEEEEEEEE PLEASE TALK TO JON OR LITERALLY ANYONE ELSE. I DON'T CARE THAT YOU'RE TRYING TO PROTECT THEM. PLEAAAAASEEEEE
Not a doubt but I find it funny that the people related to The Lonely are THE only big family related to the fears, and also the ones that apparently don't become immortal.
6. The Desolation
Important people:
Agnes Montague(x): Hanged on 23/11/2006. Raymond Fielding's hand was hanging from her hip. Born around the 1950s. In Hill Top Road in the 1960s.
Jude Perry
Diego Molina(x): Arsonist from the Section 31 episode. Probably the man that Gerry killed in First Aid.
Arthur: Arthur Nolan? Used to be leader of the cult. Not sure if he's still around. Maybe Jane Prentiss' landlord? What
Eugene Vanderstock(-)
Gertrude created a ritual in MAG 37, I guess to stop them from doing something?
7. The Slaughter
Important people:
Alfred Grifter
The Piper? Is he even a guy??
Melanie King: Glad she's going to therapy (although I didn't like the therapist wanting to record the sessions).
I couldn't find many people from here because they literally all die as soon as they fall to The Slaughter. There's the dead woman from MAG 125 who had a Leitner, or the (dead?) people from the Nemesis, but uhhhhh
Not a theory but, I like that music is associated with The Slaughter. I know it’s meant to be scary, but imagining the guys from the Nemesis doing a little dance is really funny. The bagpipes don’t scare me either because they’re really common where I live. They’re just silly guys…
8. The Vast
Important people:
Simon Fairchild: Looks like he just has fun tormenting people and feeding The Vast. I would like to hear him appear in person.
Harriet Fairchild
Mike Crew(x): I hope he was able to heal and didn't die on the spot but uhhhhh I doubt it. RIP you were a great villain and I will draw you someday.
Jan Kilbride(x): Used as a sacrifice to stop the Buried ritual
Okay, so... Did Mike lose the book in 2012? He obtained it around 1998 but in Dominic Swain's statement from 2013 he found the book somewhere. I'm really confused about this. Did he not need the book anymore and just disposed of it?
9. The Buried
Important people:
George Gilbert Scott(-): Henry Robert's apprentice. Made St. Pancras Station (where Karolina, MAG 71, was trapped), the Albert Memorial and the restoration of Westminster Abbey
Stefan Brotchen(x) ? I guess? I'm just wondering if he became an avatar (MAG 99)
I wrote down the names of the victims of the buried (including the statement givers), but none have shown up more than once.
10. The Dark
Important people:
Maxwell Rayner(x?): AKA Edmund Halley. Transformation May 2nd, 1715. Gave Robert Montauk Jobs. Apparently died in WW1 with the name Joseph Rayner. Manuela said he died in the last body change but I'm not sure I believe it (she wasn't there. Also maybe it just takes time).
Callum Brodie: If he isn't Maxwell Rayner, he might be the new avatar for The Dark.
Manuela Dominguez: Importance on the Daedalus.
Vardan Darvish(x), Christopher Lorne(x) and Natalie Ennis(x)
The main thing that confuses me here is how the last ritual was stopped? Gertrude had died 5 days prior. Maybe there was going to be an eye ritual, they were just preparing but the archivist was needed and Elias had to decide between a possibly failing ritual and training a new archivist? And since The Dark and The Eye are so different... It just failed?
...Maybe the ritual failed because eclipses are not eternal (I'm sorry)
I don't even understand why the ritual at Hither Green failed, at all. The guy from the statement used a light, sure, but that was days before.
Hey. Hey. Has ANY ritual worked? EVER? What the hell??
11. The Corruption
Important people:
Jane Prentiss(x): Worm lady... I miss you.... I watched an animatic of her the other day and it made me really sad.
Amherst: More related to disease than insects (MAG 36 and MAG 68). I wonder what he's up to.
Ivy Meadows was important. Not anymore I suppose.
12. The Web
Important people:
Raymond Fielding(x): I hate him.
Neil Lagorio(x): Animatronics guy.
Annabelle Cane: I REALLY want to know what she's planning. She doesn't have a clear connection to Fielding or Hill Top Road but is still really related to The Web. Also, probably the client from that urban legend web episode.
Theories and doubts:
1. The Web is really close to The Eye. I feel like it has been compelling Jon with a lot of stuff ever since he received that lighter (also probably why he wanted a cigarette when Leitner died. Damn). I wonder if it's The Web in general or Annabelle's direct influence. Also Elias MUST know about this, right?
2. What the Fuck is up with Hill Top Road. Owned by Raymond who ate/abducted children, then burnt after Henry White went missing… Most of the “inconsistencies” I’ve found in my revisits to the statements are from Hill Top Road.
Ivo’s construction work was in 2006/2007, but Bethany O’Connor, who had died before Father Burroughs went to Hill Top Road, is said to have matriculated in 2008.
Ivo took down the tree during the construction, but when Anya Villette went to clean the house, the tree was standing again
Father Burroughs said Bethany was living at 89 Bullingdon road, but Jon said that no one was living there that year.
In one statement “Annie” (the nurse) is called Anna Kasuma. In the other she’s called Anne Willett (similar name to Anya Villette)
In Anya’s statement she mentioned some new owners, but Hill Top Road has been abandoned since 1974 / 2006 as far as I’m aware.
I’m pretty sure Anya’s statement confirms the existence of other realities or universes. I wonder if it happens when more than one fear has a big presence somewhere (desolation vs web in this case).
Also, “Annabelle Cane” is not too different from Anna / Anne / Anya. Considering how the Web behaves, it wouldn’t surprise me that she was manipulating father Burroughs and other people using a fake name.
3. A man with brown hair went to visit the house when Ivo was there saying he was Raymond Fielding. I honestly don’t have the energy to theorize about this. Sure would love knowing who this guy is.
4. Jon mentioned on MAG 59 that it was difficult tracking down records of Raymond Fielding, Hill Top Road and similar institutions. Definitely looks like something intentional. I just don’t know from who (Raymond, Elias, Agnes, Annabelle?)
I have way more stuff written down about Hill Top Road but these are the main things, I think.
13. The Flesh
Important people:
Tom Haan: mentioned in MAG 18
Jared Hopworth(-): stuck in a bridge / drowned? So I'm not worried about him. Also RIP Jon's ribs.
THAT PIG(x)
Toby Carlisle(-)
John Haan(x?)
Alice? from MAG 14
I don't have much on these. Also this doesn't matter, for sure, but Not!Sasha's fake boyfriend was named Tom (I really don't have anything).
I want to know who was sending Jared those letters. My main suspect is Elias but he can’t be the main bad guy for everything. Annabelle maybe? Tom??
14. The Hunt
Important people:
Alice "Daisy" Tonner: I need her to be okay (and for her to not kill more people)
Trevor Herbert: I'm pretty sure he transformed when he died in the Institute
Julia Montauk
Werewolves are a part of this one, so I guess vampires too?
15. The Extinction
Important people:
Garland Hillier?
There's only been two episodes about this so I've got nothing.
OTHERS
Mikaele Salesa(x): Sold objects, worked with Lukas. I should revisit his statements but I’m too lazy to do it.
Adelard Dekker: Explosives guy!! He helped Gertrude. He used to "own" the Web box and table.
Leitner(x) (damn)
Robert Smirke(x?) (damn again)
I actually don't want to split the fears too much because sorting them into boxes is a human thing. But also, I am a human and I love sorting things into boxes. Also I'm sure most of my theories don't even make sense but that's the fun of it! I'm having a blast with this series
That's all!! I would love to hear people's theories if they're on the same episode as me. Also, you can correct me on stuff I might've said wrong (as long as it isn't a spoiler).
I usually listen to an episode per day, so I should be done in around… two months. Damn, that's a lot.
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