#mikasa and sasha friendship is my life

[seeingivy]

Do you draw inspiration from.your own life (events, emotions...) to write ?

HEAVILY!!!!

I think this is something I do specifically for my longer form fics...the one shot tend to be more of the sporadic, cute scenarios I imagine while I go to sleep. but longer form fics are where I really start digging into my own life and putting my own thoughts/feelings into it

a few examples:

roommate eren: actually doesn't really apply, because that was so early into my writing.

method acting eren: (gets bullet points)

eren as a character and y/n as characters I feel have parts of myself that I often feel like are at war with in my own head lol (which is why they have conflict!!)

y/n gets swayed by people around her so quickly and cares about what people think - a little too much. eren is also just deeply self destructive at times and so in his own head that he can't see what's in front of him at all. those two things combined are not a pretty combo, which is why x y and z happens in method acting.

historia's whole being jealous of y/n arc is based of me in real life!!! struggle with real life comparisons so hard and it can be something that is so obsessive for me. when the song lacy came out, it was the first time I really felt seen in the way that wanting to be like someone else so bad can be so all consuming that I wanted to kind of include that in the fic, esp how it pertains to female friendships (will say, all the reception I got about that character and that friendship soothed a lot of rough spots in my heart about that so I appreciate you all)

lana's struggles with love - particulary the part that she has bad relationships of love modeled to her, hence why she originally puts up with ricky in the first place is also based on me (guys this fic is so self indulgent please leave me alone ok) and I haven't reached the whole self actualized love part but i'll get there! (thank you for all the love on the lana character I could cry if I thought about it)

also a bit more deep, but a lot of criticism that I got about the fic (esp after the whole reveal of why eren did what he did) was like "oh he could have just told her" "I don't get why he didn't" was kind of meant to be a more subtle thing of how when you love someone who is struggling with mental illness/bad environments (which at that point he was in a kind of abusive relationship with his producer so), it's often that the way that they cope or react as a byproduct is sometimes something that doesn't make sense/isn't logical - and is no way that something to put up with (which is literally why she doesn't), but it's also why eren is more logical and rational when he gets help. you can't help someone who doesn't want to be helped (which at that point he didn't want to) and they need to put their own work in (which eren obv does after everything that happens)

^^ (this is based on relationships that i've had in my own life but also feeling put in that position of doing things that weren't rational and didn't make sense that hurt people and later realizing when I put the work in what a lot of that actually was and trying to have grace with it)

kind of random, but I always imagine method acting sasha as poc. I didn't want to say it explicit so people didn't start beefing with me about x y and z, but that's why she doesn't get the same treatment as y/n or mikasa. (not saying that y/n is white or fits beauty standards, but she's a self insert so I can't exactly assign her a race so the same point can't be made). but for the sasha character, it's kind of those feelings that poc/darker skinned girls get of not being the person anyone is interested in, the girl who is always funny and never pretty, super motherly but never the girl anyone has a crush on. anyways. (sincerely the token mom friend in highschool!!!)

best friends older brother sukuna:

so like. ive never talked to my best friends older brother. he is thirty. and he's also married to a sweetie pie.

THAT BEING SAID

a big part of that fic is obviously intimacy - but more the fact that there's a lot of depth to intimacy beyond sex - especially for people who have bad first experiences and how they kind of have to grapple with that afterwards (I will not elaborate on how I relate to this. connect dots.)

AND ALSO. sibling relationships is a big part of that fic. I have two older siblings (and the fic also has two older siblings). the relationships that I have with both of them are so dynamically different - in terms of good sibling/bad sibling (if that's even a thing, which the point is kind of that it's more complicated than that) and also younger/older dynamics

^^I won't elaborate more on that but just know in that fic that i've had my fair share of sammy and my fair share of sukuna - but also had my moments where i'm immature and not fair like y/n and yuuji. so.

thanks for this ask it was so fun!!! so sorry I yapped....and overshared.....

[inmyveinsposts]

Let me present you my aot (aruani) series of one-shots based on "How I met your mother".

Living in the best city in the world in your twenties, with your friends? Nights at the usual bar, finding yourself lost in the future, struggling to find your place in the world, and most of all, navigating through relationships. It's wonderful, terrifying and, extremely, extremely, funny.

This is the story about a group of friends navigating their youth in chaotic and exciting ways as they waste their time at Scout's, their most trusted bar.

Brace yourselves to enjoy their shenanigans.

Main cast:

Armin Arlert: 25. Graduate student at New York University. Future environmental lawyer, according to what he says he will save the ocean, but so far we see him more at the bar than saving the ocean. Hailing from Minnesota, however, he met his roommate at the University of Chicago, Eren Yaeger, and his best friend, Mikasa Ackerman, with whom he came to live in New York. Affable, conciliatory and intelligent, or at least, depending on who you ask, because his friends will tell you all the idiotic things he's capable of, especially after a couple of beers at Scout's. While his friends struggle to find the love of their life, get back their love or get into bed with various people, he just goes with the flow.

Based on Marshall Eriksen.

Annie Leonheart: 27. The new bartender at Scout's and lead singer of the band that plays at the bar on Friday nights. Moved to New York with her band from Scotland, her two best friends, Reiner Braun and Bertholdt Hoover, an engaged couple, yes engaged, while she just goes with the flow. Last member of the group, thanks to Eren. Quiet and aloof, or so they say, others will tell you the crazy things she does at Scout's when her shift is over. Annie will navigate her youth in New York, pursue her dreams, friendships will form and in love she will lose herself.

She is the perfect mix of Robin and Lily.

Eren Yaeger: 25. He works as a comic strip artist in a newspaper in the city, although his dream is to succeed with his own comic. He comes from Chicago, where he met Armin Arlert, his best friend, and Mikasa Ackerman, his great love. His purpose is to find the love of his life, especially after the breakup with Mikasa. Dramatic, idiotic and groundbreaking. He is the cause of reforms in Scout's, especially if he gets together with Jean.

Based on Ted Mosby.

Mikasa Ackerman: 25. She works in a tattoo studio, although her dream is to become a famous artist. Hailing from Chicago, like Eren, and even though she knew him before, they didn't speak until college, thanks to the classes they shared. Thanks to that, the two ended up in a relationship, she met Armin and ended up in New York. When things ended with Eren, she moved out and met Sasha, her current roommate. She is willing to either get over the breakup or get Eren back, whichever comes first.

Based on Robin Scherbatsky.

Jean Kirstein: 27. He works at the biggest bank in New York, although if you ask any of his friends they wouldn't know what he does for a living. Hailing from New Jersey, he works with Connie Springer and thanks to that he met Sasha, Mikasa's roommate, although ironically, Jean met the group at Scout's. Kind of a womanizer, although he respected and somewhat composed for someone that wild. He is known for tearing Scout's apart with Eren and thanks to their rivalry.

Based on Barney Stinson.

Connie Springer: 25. Accountant at Goliath National Bank, the most powerful bank in New York, where he works with Jean. A lifelong Brooklynite, like Sasha Braus, who is his partner in crime. He is Jean's wing man in the search for single women in New York, although truth be told, he is a disastrous wing man. Funny and crazy, he is the menace himself.

Based on Barney Stinson and Marshall Eriksen on season two, when he is single and he is the worst at being Barney's wing man.

Sasha Braus: 26. Kindergarten teacher, although her dream is to be a restaurant critic. Hailing from the same New York City, Brooklyn, just like Connie Springer, her best friend. She is Mikasa's new roommate and Eren's sworn enemy (even though Eren doesn't know) and the one who supports Jean the most by chasing Mikasa, she also forms a dangerous trio together with Connie and Jean. Chaotic and funny, one of Scout's dangers and Levi Ackerman's nightmare.

Based on Lily Aldrin.

Recurring cast:

Levi Ackerman: 37. Distant cousin of Mikasa. Bartender at Scout's. He is so tired of the gang's shit.

Hange/Hanji: 35. Manager of the bar. Loves serving the gang, with their shenanigans they have the time of their life.

Reiner Braun: 27. "Marley's warriors" drummer. Annie's childhood friend, he moved to New York from Scotland with her and his fiancé, with whom he has a dramatic and complicated, yet fun, relationship.

Based on Stuart from "How I met your mother."

Bertholdt Hoover: 28. "Marley's warriors" guitarist and Reiner's fiancé. Calm and relaxed, until Reiner enters the equation.

Based on Claudia from "How I met your mother."

Other character will make appearances:

Pieck Finger.

Hitch Dreyse.

Historia Reis.

Ymir.

The story will mostly focus on Aruani, but there will be one shots focused on other characters. (Not many) Despite being based on "How I Met Your Mother", the stories will mostly be fictional,and as well as, the characters are based on the characters of the series, they will still have their own characteristics.

Summary of the first one shot

After a painful breakup, Eren Yaeger is determined to find the love of his life in New York. One Friday night, he sees a girl singing at the bar, Annie Leonhart. Determined to make her fall in love with him, Eren holds two parties in his apartment, which bothers his roommate, Armin Arlert, who has an essay in Constitutional Law. However, there are two things that Eren does not count on, first of all, that his great love Mikasa Ackerman will be present and that Annie Leonhart may enjoy the company of another person more.

[aot-brainrot-my-beloved]

Since I have nothing better to do, here are my AOT characters' sexualities headcanons (it's my opinion, pls be nice, homophobes DNI)

Probably gonna do it in parts cause there are so many characters LMAO. Also, go and check out my previous [post] about it for context

So anyway, Part 1 - The Scouts under the cut

Eren - demiromantic demisexual

Eren doesn't usually fall for people and doesn't think about romance, but when he does, he falls hard. He doesn't care about gender, he just needs to feel a really close connection to someone to feel anything. Also, he's famously oblivious to flirtations towards him, which is a popular inside joke among Scouts.

Mikasa - unlabeled

She’s very much Erensexual and that’s it LMAO But jokes aside, she really doesn't care and doesn't see a reason in labeling herself (not that it's a bad thing, she just feels like no name would ever truly fit her). What matters to her are her feelings for Eren and all her closest friends and that's enough.

Armin - pansexual

He doesn’t mind in general but he has a problem recognizing his feelings as something more than a friendship or admiration. He acts friendly and normal and then BOOM, that one special spark and, out of nowhere he’s an awkward ball of fluff. I feel like he just wants someone to talk to about the ocean and who will make him feel seen and safe <3

Jean - (closeted) bisexual

Marco was totally his bisexual awakening. Even though he knows nobody in the Scout Regiment will judge him, he's still scared to come out and every time someone asks him, he's very defensive about being straight (nobody believes him) (just look at him, very much chaotic bisexual icon 💅)

Sasha - heteroromantic asexual

Probably an unpopular opinion but I really don’t see her being into girls. I feel like the Scouts were initially surprised about it after seeing her being so close with Mikasa, but they are just besties. She’s sex-repulsed but will laugh at Connie’s dirty jokes. She’s a hopeless romantic though. She and Connie are platonic soulmates <3

Connie - aromantic asexual ❤️

He never got the appeal of romance or sex, and when someone was flirting with him, he felt really uncomfortable. His friends (especially Sasha) have helped him understand and come to terms with his feelings. He's also sex-repulsed but that doesn’t stop him from telling dirty jokes to others. He and Sasha are platonic soulmates <3

Marco - gay

I have nothing else to say other than the fact that I could never see him in any other way. The gay vibes are very strong with this one (just look at how he looks at Jean!!!)

Ymir - lesbian

She knew she was "different" since she was young, but had to hide it very well. Time spent on Paradis with her friends was the best time in her life because she could finally be her authentic self, without having to deal with homophobia and all the religious trauma, but also because she met the love of her life!

Historia - lesbian

I feel like at first she thought she was straight and then she met Ymir and truly realized something about herself. After that, she was proud of her sexuality, until she became the queen and realized how important her role was. Pregnancy was a hard time for her, especially knowing that Ymir was gone. But to not make it too sad I like to think that her husband was an understanding guy and tried to help as much as he could, while still understanding that he will never be the one and only for her 💔

[jeanbie]

What do you think are they (aot) would have as homescreen/profile pic?

i feel like all these guys are super predictable and most of them just have similar or the same things...

like i can see eren, mikasa and armin having some kind of matchy friendship lockscreen ordeal -- a little bit lowkey, like maybe a group photo or something (same as jean, he likes a friend pic or something close to his life/hobbies).

connie probably has an "aesthetic" lockscreen related to his fave artist or song, but not out there cringe, something subtle and cool feeling, and i can see sasha having like a celebrity crush or a pet. historia and ymir straight up have pictures of each other, no doubt, they're not even original about it either

i see berty as one of those people who has like his calendar on his lockscreen so he doesn't forget about important dates in his schedule 😭 and then there's people like levi and erwin who probably just have default wallpapers from the apple library "why do i need a picture when i'll either be using my phone or wont, i dont need to look at the locked screen"

when it comes to people like gabi and falco, like i just know they have something cringey like roblox or something 💀 it's so easy and funny to think of unserious things the aot guys and gals have, but in reality, i feel like they'd all just have kind of similar or the same things (i literally have a default wallpaper sometimes so i'm not inspired by irl)

[yagamisdiary]

this whole time i imagined parasite yn as you

i haven’t heard this in a while but when i first announced parasite was based on my life, so many ppl started saying they started picturing her as me which was never my intention but i mean it’s pretty cool to be able to put a face on her LOL

we are extremely similar unfortunately, she is the human embodiment of all the bad parts of myself that i keep hidden away/already healed from

in fact, a lot of the characters are all the bad parts of ppl i’ve ever met. ex: jean is a mix of all the worst parts of men i’ve had to deal with, all the bad dates/experiences put into one person

same thing with mikasa and historia, they aren’t based on real ppl but instead are a bunch of girls i’ve met combined into these characters

same can be said for sasha and hitch who i picked apart all the good friendships i’ve ever had

[sonofthesaiyans]

Hitch Wins! On to the Next Poll...

Before any more time passes, let's get things rolling for the next round, guys.

First things first.......the results of the last poll.

First let me just say I was rather disappointed at the lack of votes, guys. A mere 61 this time around. 😞

I expected a better turnout. Especially since it was a poll honoring AOT's forgotten girls, one of the main points of my page. And I heavily suspect it was because I had to repost my original poll that it came up weak.

In my experience, when something is reposted, it generates less views on the second go around. I have seen it on YouTube and elsewhere. And I would appreciate if such a trend didn't repeat itself here. I feel like the vote turnout would have been better if I didn't have to go back and do that due to an error, and I do know the original results played out differently as a consequence.

I just hope for better from now on. And for those who do vote, PLEASE REBLOG as you do. It would help tremendously.

Anyway, as I was saying.....our top three winners. The first with 26% of the vote....

HITCH DREYSE! Not too surprising, she always seemed to be a favorite with most. One of the few members of the Military Police to actually develop a likable personality. And one of the few people to establish any real connection to Annie Leonhart which counts for something. She definitely could have benefitted from a larger role in the story. Seeing how she represents a badly underdeveloped faction within the Walls.

And at second place with just over 21% of the vote....

NANABA! The masculine beauty of Squad Miche. This is a character who continues to grow on me. And as one of the few supporting scouts with any substantial amount of screentime, she is a fascinating character. Cool under pressure, headstrong, and a natural leader. I think we can all agree she deserved better in the long run. Justice for Squad Miche.

And in third with just shy of 20% of the vote...

ISABEL MAGNOLIA! Levi's long lost friend and companion. The third of the main ladies to have an intimate and lasting impact on Levi Ackerman's life. Would have been fascinating to explore more of that unique friendship, seeing the connections he already has with Petra and Hange. She was the initial frontrunner before I had to repost the poll. Wonder how she would have fared otherwise. But she is truly the dark horse here, even in third place. I may have to do an Isabel Deserves Better post one of these days. Who doesn't love an energetic redhead?

Meanwhile.....

Poor Anka is dead last here. Didn't even crack 2% in this poll. 😔 Scoring less than Hannah Diamant And Rico Brzenska. Such a shame, I always thought she was cute and we deserved to see her in action. Please show her some love people. Because she got dealt a raw deal by Isayama. More on THAT one later....... 🔍🤔

To everyone who did vote and reblog, thank you! Let's hope for a stronger turnout this next go around.

Now, this week's poll......

In order to be fair, I am NOT including Levi as he is already plenty powerful. I also will NOT include Erwin Smith, as the controversial choice of giving Armin the serum over him I think speaks for itself. It's enough to assume that yes, there exists a vested interest in him coming back as a Titan Shifter already.

And yes I added Mikasa to the list. Let's pretend there was nothing that prohibited her from becoming a Titan, because frankly the so called Ackerpower is not well explained anyway. Also screw the canon, Isayama's rules don't apply here. Let's use a little imagination I say.

Well that is that. Please have at it people and please, REBLOG!

Let's see who comes out on top. 👍

[liquorisce]

Do you have like little observations or details about IDILY's Eren and Mikasa that didn't make it to the final story? Like very little facts about them that you thought about but weren't relevant to the story, or you just didn't incorporate but thought about, or even your own "headcanons" about them in the story?

I've been waiting for a long time to answer this bc i needed to be at my desk but!!! tysm for this question

i wrote a huge bit about mikasa's childhood and how she became friends with armin... that didn't make it in the story :( idk if i will be able to fit it in later or when i finally finish it and go back to revise it maybe i can fit it in... if u have any suggestions pls share :)

but here u go!!

i dreamed i left you - deleted scene [4.5k+]

MIKASA

[14 years old]

One day when I was fourteen, my mother told me I’d be changing schools. I blinked at her slowly and asked only one thing, “But Mother, it’s the middle of term. Won’t it affect my grades?” 

“No, Mikasa. They said they’ll take care of it.” And then she sat next to me and did something she did often when she wanted to tell me something she deemed important; she caressed my hair and tucked it behind my ear. “Listen to me carefully.” I was right. “This is a really good opportunity for you, Mikasa. It is a very prestigious school. And we are so lucky that we have a chance to send you to a school like this,” she hesitated at this, looking somewhat shameful, “with our limited means.” 

Growing up poor makes you understand these sorts of euphemisms well. Limited means, Our station, Within our status; these were just different ways to talk about money and our lack thereof. “Then how will we manage, Mother?” 

She gave me a forced smile. “One of the patrons of the restaurant has arranged it. You will have a full scholarship until you finish your studies.” She patted my head, signaling the end of our conversation. “Pending good grades, of course.” 

My mother never had to worry about that. My grades were always excellent. It was something she’d beaten into me when I got my first grade: A–, on a math test. Turns out I had made a mistake and added two lemons into the basket instead of removing them, and hence arrived at an incorrect total. I made sure to read every question at least twice, ever since then, just to be sure. And if I ever forgot, she was always happy to remind me, ruler in hand. 

“What does that mean then? A prestigious school?” My friend Sasha had asked me when I told her we could no longer eat lunch together every day. That was my comprehension of friendship back then. My life had little in the name of adversity, for a friend to adopt any opposing significance. And I didn’t have much time, with all the extra-curriculars my mother had packed into my schedule, for playdates or any such thing. 

“Mother says it means a lot of important people send their kids there to study.” 

“So does that mean they’re all smart? That would make sense,” Sasha says thoughtfully. “You’re a smart girl, Mikasa.” 

“I’m not sure,” I say honestly. “I do think they’d have much fancier lunches than you or I, though.” 

Sasha pouts at her egg sandwiches. “I’m jealous. Although I love your lunch! Mama Ackerman makes the best stir-fried noodles.”

I passed her the rest of my lunch and gave her a small smile. “She only makes it because she knows you eat more than half of it.” It was true, the cut apples and bananas were meant to make up a significant portion of my lunch.

My uniform arrived the weekend before I was meant to start. It was fancier than my current one. It had a little gold logo, with three ornate circles intersecting with each other. And the fabric was better too, the sweater was actually warm, and the colours were a pleasing cream and white instead of the ugly grey that I wore until last week. 

I stared at my reflection in the mirror as my mother pulled on my hair ungently and combed it back into a braid. My bangs covered my forehead. “Did you memorise the list that I gave you?” She asked. 

“Yes.” 

“It’s important for you to understand who is who. This isn’t like your public school—” 

“I memorised it and went through it twice again this morning.” 

“Okay…” I look up at her. My mother and eye have the same eyes, the same hair and probably the same face shape as when she was about twenty years younger. “I know I’m hard on you,” she says, with considerable discomfort. 

I don’t say anything back. What would be the point of acknowledging this? Yes, I breathe air. Yes, my mother treated me harshly. Felt equivalent. Felt normal. She turns me around me and slicks my flyaways down. “But we need to work hard. People like us don’t get the opportunity to take it easy.” 

As I walked the entire way to school that day— my new school was thirty minutes away by foot, whereas my previous school was just one block away— I thought about what she said. At first, I thought that she meant people like us, people without money, could not afford to take it easy, but when I think back to it, she had a faraway look in her eyes. Perhaps she meant the other thing— the matter of our otherness. 

My mother was from overseas. That’s all she said about it. Nothing more to be said, she’d tell me whenever I dared to press her on the subject. As far as she was concerned, I was from here: a real, proper citizen of Paradis. Born and brought up here, I’d never stepped foot on another land. But it didn’t matter. Paradis didn’t have the best of international relations, and here I am, with the face of an outsider. 

I thought this is what had worried my mother, who had obsessively made me memorize a list of “important people” and their children who apparently attended this school. So I now stare at the tall, iron gates that housed a school that looked more like a castle, replete with towers and a medieval facade, with my head filled with names of people I’d never met before. 

<hr>

I didn’t get it at first, but eventually, I understood why my mother made me do it. Apparently “Hi, my name is Mikasa Ackerman,” didn’t really cut it as an introduction around here. There was a lot of “who’s your father?” and “what does your father do?” talk that sounded plain odd to me. I doubt anybody other than Sasha and a couple of other girls, from my previous school, cared to know that my parents owned a small but popular noodle shop in the city centre. But my answers of “Henrik Ackerman,” and “He owns Lemongrass, a noodle shop on 17th Main,” didn’t seem to impress many. So eventually, I just kept my head down and avoided introductions altogether. You didn’t have to speak to anybody if weren’t in anybody’s way. 

It wasn’t always easy though. On one such occasion, I was paired up with Armin Arlert for a history assignment, and as my list of names would remind me, he was the grandson of a very influential ex-Foreign Minister. I stuck my hand out towards him but he didn’t take it. “Mikasa Ackerman, I know,” he says, giving me a small smile, as we head out of class. He saved me the trouble of introduction, but I couldn’t help but wonder what else he knew about me, what else he had heard. 

“My name’s Armin, which you also know, I suppose.” He watches me with his clear blue eyes from across the table. His voice is not fully broken, and he wears his hair in an adorable bowl cut, but as soft as he looked, I could tell there was a hardness within him. It felt comfortable, to be honest. After all, I had a hardness within me too. 

“So,” he said, the next day, when we sat at the library going through a list of potential topics for our paper. “How do you like it at the Academy so far?” 

“It’s nice,” I say automatically. “It’s a wonderful opportunity to be here.” 

“Is it?” I can hear the laughter in his voice. 

“Isn’t it?” 

“I haven’t been anywhere else, so I couldn’t tell you.” 

“The cafeteria is better,” I decide to say, after a moment’s pause. “Than my previous school.” 

He hums and looks back into his notebook. After a few minutes he looks up at me again, “And the people? Are you liking it around here?” 

I’m not sure if he genuinely wants to know, because it was rather obvious that I wasn’t the very social kind. Or perhaps he really doesn’t know, it’s not his business after all. So I tell him, “I’m a bit of a loner, actually.” 

“Amongst this crowd who wouldn’t be.” I raised my eyes at this. Why would a boy like him be a loner, in this school? He had the wealth and the status that, as I had understood after the first four weeks here, would attract anybody into friendship. 

I’d been so absorbed in myself and my desire to stay out of everybody’s way that I hadn’t really noticed anybody else. And when I actually cared to notice, I realised that he was being truthful. Armin didn’t appear to assimilate easily into the crowd of designer brand-wearing, father’s name-touting, genus of Academy students. Instead, he quite often disagreed with them, vocally, sometimes even resulting in skirmishes. 

 One day at lunch— we’d started having lunch together after Armin had shown up on the bench where I ate and said, “figured you wouldn’t mind if another loner joined you,” — he turned up with a swollen cheek and angry tears on his lashes. “Jesus, Armin.” 

“Can you hold up my bangs?” He asks, sounding sulky. “It hurts when my hair keeps touching my cheek.” 

I pull out a bobby pin from my own hair and stick it into his. “We should probably get some ice for you.”

“Already got it.” And he begins to press it onto his cheek, grumbling incoherently. 

“Do you want to tell me what happened?” 

“If that’s your question, no, I do not want to tell you—” 

“Just tell me what happened.” 

He sighs. “It’s nothing new, Mikasa. Just…” 

I take the ice from him and hold it against his cheek. “Some of the guys from the hockey team were asking if we’re dating.” 

“Oh? That’s— well,” I blush slightly, but I’m not sure why. It’s definitely not because of any secret feelings. “I’m not really allowed to date, you know.” 

Armin looks at me like I have two heads. “Well, parents aren’t really going to be out here saying hey, why don’t you go around smooching that other kid over there! Not when you’re fourteen, but kids do it anyway.” He cringes visibly. “Well maybe Ruth’s mother does, but you know what I mean.” 

I look at him like I don’t know what he means. “Wait,” he says slowly. “What do you mean you’re not allowed to date?” 

“I’m not,” I shrug. “My parents have a very clear no-boys policy while I’m in school. Or probably until marriage, but I haven’t really pressed the details to be honest.” 

Armin is gaping at me. “And you have never wanted to…” 

“We’re only fourteen,” I say somewhat defensively. 

“Almost fifteen,” he corrects sharply, and then, blushing, he says “I-I’ve had crushes before.” He is hiding under his long blonde bangs, which I somehow thought was very cute. 

“Really? What’s it like, then? Having a crush.” 

“I can’t believe you’re asking me that.” He looks somewhat mortified. As if the question I asked was not the logical follow-up to his admitting to having crushes on people. 

“I suppose I could ask you who you have a crush on. If that’s what you want.” 

“Mikasa, you’re weird,” he says, cheeks still giving away his embarrassment. At least he didn’t look upset anymore. 

“So does that mean I won’t be getting any answers?” I tease him. 

He takes a deep breath. “Okay. You promise not to judge me or anything?”

“Do you have a crush on a teacher or something?” I grin. I could see that with Armin. His naturally inquisitive nature and excellent grades made them quite fond of him. I’d even heard some of the other students grumbling about how he was a ‘teacher’s pet.’ 

“No! What?” he sputters, “I don’t think we should be making light of the power imbalance in that dynamic—” 

“It’s a crush, Armin, not a relationship. Anyway, if not a teacher, then who is this mysterious crush of yours that you are so hesitant to tell me about?” 

He huffs. “Ok but you have to swear not to tell anyone about it.” 

I roll my eyes. “Pinky promise.” 

“You know that guy in second year? Boris Feulner?” 

I can vaguely recollect such a name on my mother’s list. “Mm-hmm.” 

“We go to swimming lessons together. And I, um—” Armin is positively pink at this point. He is twisting the pink ends of his fingers, there is a pink flush along his neck, and his cheeks have also attained that colour; impressively, his entire body is pink. “Well, let’s just say that I have spent an ungodly amount of time imagining him in his swimsuit when I’m back in my room.” 

I blink at him. And then I burst out laughing. “That’s your way of saying that you find him attractive?” 

“It’s not funny.” 

“No, I guess not,” I say, still laughing. “What’s to judge here? He’s one class higher than us, is he?” 

“No, that’s not it. It’s the fact that, well, that he’s a he. That I find him attractive.” A stupid look crosses his face, and it’s Armin, so stupid looks seldom cross his face. 

“That’s quite last decade of you to be embarrassed about something like that,” I say thoughtlessly. “Isn’t it legal now to be with whoever you want?” 

“My sexuality is not about keeping with the times, Mikasa,” he snaps. Ok, I guess I deserved that. 

“I’m sorry,” I say quickly, “I didn’t mean it like that, Armin.” 

He waves me off impatiently. “Anyway, in case you hadn’t noticed, what is legal isn’t always what is accepted. Here,” he makes a circle to denote this school, “amongst this world, everyone plays by a specific set of rules. What you study, who you date, who you marry, it’s all scripted. Sons take over their father’s businesses, whether it falls into legal or illegal lines, and women frame their fancy diplomas and stand by their husbands at galas and make polite talk, and when it’s time, they pop out a baby or two to do their ‘duty.’”

I listen to him, stunned. “What do you mean… They don’t go to work, after all this?” By all this what I meant, was the ridiculous amount of tuition that was being spent on a school like this. Followed by, no doubt, even more expensive tuition for a college degree they would never use. 

“They don’t need to.” Armin’s voice drops to a hushed murmur. “Half of the kids here belong to Mafia families, the other half mostly politics or business. All of them, every last one, is corrupt.” 

“B-but I thought—” 

“Everyone’s got legitimate businesses to cover up anything shady, so no, nobody is going to introduce themselves as the daughter of an Underground Family.”

He gives me a pitying look, probably at the cluelessness that I can’t hide. “Sheesh, you don’t know anything, do you? Where are you even from?” 

“I told you already,” I say, somewhat irritated, “... we live close to the Oriental Quarter. My Father just owns a restaurant, I know that there’s,” I gesture vaguely, “some sort of mafia, but I don’t really know much more than that. I can’t really tell the difference between the Mafia and the police anyway.” 

“And that’s the real problem with our society,” he mutters angrily. His blue eyes return to mine. “I know that’s what you said, but I thought… Usually, everybody has more of a story here.” 

“No story here,” I say blandly, “Just the daughter of a restaurant owner.” Who is apparently clueless and kept deliberately misinformed. 

It’s not that I didn’t know about the Mafia. In Sina, it’s something you grow up with. You have the government, you have the police, and you have the Mafia, or the Underground, as it’s called here. The truth is, there’s no way to ignore it. When I was old enough to be at the restaurant to help with small chores and odd jobs, my parents drilled it into me: Keep your head down, be polite, give them what they want, and get on with your day. I’d seen Mother and Father do it too, to ‘important customers,’ treating them like God as soon as they stepped into our small joint. Handing envelopes of cash to men with guns hanging off their low-slung jeans, and unruly hair.that  Money that my parents spent their blood, sweat and tears on. That’s who I thought of when I heard ‘Mafia.’ 

When I was younger I almost asked them why they gave away their own hard-earned money to somebody else when it was them who worked for it. Don’t we own the restaurant, Papa? I almost asked him once. But something held me back. Much later, after eavesdropping on an argument between my parents, I learnt that it was “protection.” That these men— who I’d grown to believe were so important— were just enforcers who collected payments from us in turn for their ‘protection’, a heavily jargoned word that people would often mistake for defence against an outsider, but what it really was, was a bribe. A fee extorted from people who had no other choice. I guess I’d always known that the Mafia was a bigger thing, something I couldn’t even comprehend, invisible but everywhere. 

What I had never imagined was that they would exist in a world like this: Shiny and filthy rich, dressing their children in the most expensive linens, while they were up to their arms in blood. Milling companies, Breweries, Textile manufacturers, I saw literally everything on that list and didn’t suspect once that they had anything to do with the Underground. And now they were all around me.

“You’re shaking,” Armin says, softly. “Mikasa, are you okay?” 

I nod, and try to say something, but I can’t find the words. Something has happened to me. I feel choked, my heartbeat has begun to pulse rapidly. My hands are balled into fists on my skirt. “I just—” I suddenly remember the time I’d seen my father with a gun to his temple, his voice shaking as he asked me to leave the room. I remember that when he came home that night, my mother was crying and we ate little more than leftovers that entire week because “business was not that good”. “I—” I remember the time I went to fetch onions from the store because we ran out. When I came back one of the men had his hand on my Mother’s behind as he ordered food and my mother was frozen still. “I hate them,” I manage finally, and my voice is raspy and unlike myself. There are little crescent moons in my palm from where I have dug my fingernails into them. “I hate them,” I say even louder, this time more frantic, “I hate them so much–” 

“Mikasa!” Armin’s hand is heavy on my shoulder and he looks at me alarmed, baby-blue eyes filled with concern. That’s when I realise I was almost screaming. “I know.” He squeezes my hand. “I know. I hate them too.”

It’s been so long since I’ve felt this feeling. Every now and then I feel it, this shaking, violent, urge that spills out of my throat and into a bottle inside of my heart, every time topping up and up and up until now, when the lid shakes and it threatens to spill over. “I feel angry too,” Armin is saying. I don’t hear him fully because the violence inside of me is loud. “It isn’t right. None of this is right.” 

Angry? Somehow that word doesn’t feel right. It doesn’t feel like it’s enough to contain everything that this feeling really is. 

Eventually my vision refocused, and my breathing calmed. Armin was still watching me carefully, his cheek swollen and his lips bitten. “Anyway,” he said tentatively, after he had given me enough time to be in my own head. “Do you want to know the rest of what happened with the hockey boys?” 

“Sorry,” I say, distractedly, “... We veered off.” 

He waves me off again. “I told them we weren’t dating. They didn’t believe me at first. But then one of them said,” he puffs his shoulders up and deepens his voice comically, “She doesn’t date faggots, probably.”

“Armin,” I gasp, shocked. 

“It’s fine, he’s not wrong.” He shuts up my sputtering buts, and grins, looking mighty pleased with himself. “I told him you didn’t date braindead morons like him either.” 

I groan. “And that’s why you got socked?” 

He shrugs. “Well was I wrong?”

…

Two months into our second year in high school, our class teacher announced that a new student would be joining us. By this time, Armin and I had grown comfortable enough to pick our seats side by side. This school was well funded so we had nice seats, with a little cushion on the chair, and a large enough desk to spread out your things comfortably. There was little space between us, so a mid-volume whisper was sufficient to communicate during class, most times. 

Armin looked disinterested, but I was curious about this new student. It was somebody outside of my list, after all. A few minutes after being told by Miss Langnar to welcome the new kid and help him cover up anything he might have missed, the ‘kid’ in question walked in. It was probably strange to refer to another student, at my grand old age of fifteen, as a ‘kid,’ but it seemed to suit him. He was tall, with dark brown hair that didn’t sit very neatly atop his head, and large green eyes that seemed like a mirror to his soul. Perhaps it was quite a dramatic thing to say about somebody whose name I didn’t even know, but I felt certain of it. For example, I could see now that he was angry. He wasn’t happy to be here, and it shone in the brilliance of his verdant eyes, making even a thing like anger appear to be beautiful. I wondered what it must be like to live in that way, to be so honest whether you wanted to be or not.

I felt a sting of envy at that moment, just as my Mother’s words resounded in my head. “Save your anger, Mikasa,” she’d tell me, after whatever punishment she was ‘forced’ to give me— she was always forced to punish me, you see, she didn’t have a choice, it was the only way I would learn my lesson— “it makes you look ugly.” 

“Eren Jaeger,” he says, his voice clipped, not offering anything more as an introduction.

“Is there anything else you’d like to tell your classmates about yourself, Eren?” Miss Langnar prompted kindly, after the awkward moment of silence. 

“Nope. Not really.” 

She looked taken aback, not having expected that response. “Well, why don’t you take a seat next to Mikasa?” She pointed towards the empty desk to my right. “I’m sure she’ll be willing to show you all the important resources in the school and help you catch up.”

Eren Jaeger looked at me then, his large green eyes came to rest on mine. My breath hitched ever so slightly, and I tugged on my lower lip with my teeth. “Sure, Miss Langnar,” I said, sounding somewhat different than usual. 

He watched me as he walked to his desk, as he slid into his seat. And then, unexpectedly, he gave me a small smile. “Hey,” he said. His eyes were still stormy, a deep annoyance swirling within them, but his gesture let me know that it had nothing to do with me. My teeth dug further into my lower lip, any more and it would have bled. Forcing it loose, I replied, “Hi.” 

He craned his neck and looked past me, and then said, “Armin.” 

Armin lifted a hand and gave him a small smile. 

I looked at Armin, my eyebrows arched. You know him?

Armin wasn’t telepathic of course so I don’t know if he understood my unspoken question, but he just shrugged at me and turned his attention to what the teacher was saying. 

I watched Eren out of the corner of my eye. He sat back in his seat in a sort of slouch. It instinctively made me sit up a little bit straighter; I would have been beaten at home if I ever displayed that sort of posture. Miss Langnar has begun her lesson and Eren looked straight at her, but I can tell it was that sort of vacant look where he was looking but not really seeing. Primarily because she asked us to take out our textbooks and turn to page 53, and Eren hadn’t moved a muscle. 

“I can share with you, if you like,” I whisper, hoping it was loud enough and that I wouldn’t have to repeat myself because, surprisingly, these words had taken considerable effort. 

He blinks at me, somewhat lost, and then looks at my textbook, which I have pushed towards him. “Oh,” he said. And then he pushed his seat closer to mine, making his desk incongruent from the rest of the line of desks, the noise attracting glances from everybody else. I can feel my cheeks heat up. “Thanks.”

I nod, feeling inexplicably shy, for no apparent reason, pushing my book further towards him until it was half on his desk and half on mine. When Miss Langnar is done with what is on this page and it is time to turn the page, my hand brushes his. I jerked my hand back, feeling an electric tingle on the tips of my fingertips. My heart felt as if it was in my mouth. Eren looked at me strangely. “Sorry,” he said, sounding more confused than sorry.

I sank back into my seat feeling a bit foolish. I wasn’t sure why I was behaving this way, and I was even less sure of why I felt this way. Whatever it was that I was feeling, that is. 

A small folded piece of paper falls into my lap. Are you okay? It reads. I turn around to give Armin a reassuring smile, but when he saw me, his blue eyes twinkled with humour, and his mouth curved into a smirk. 

He throws another wad of paper at me. You’re blushing.

I am not. I write back. But as I write it, I can feel my cheeks grow warmer with embarrassment. What was going on with me?

“Armin,” Miss Langnar called. For a second I worried that she had caught on to our secret messaging system, but it turns out she just called him to hand out worksheets, as she always does, always preferring Armin to do these types of things. 

He still has that smirk on his face when he hands us our worksheets, and for some reason, I feel even more embarrassed now, in front of Eren. 

Later, after two more classes of me sharing my textbooks with Eren, our hands touching inadvertently, and me getting slowly better with my reactions, I slip Armin another note. 

The new boy is pretty, don’t you think? 

I watched Armin as he opened it, feeling unbearably hot in anticipation that he was about to read those words. I wished I could reach out and take it back from him. But I already felt like enough of a fool today. He almost bursts out laughing when he reads it and I want to bury myself in the ground. 

I glance at Eren, and he looks utterly bored— and I thought to myself that this person next to me could even make boredom look pretty. Like it was more of a meaningful thing, as if this plane, and all of us mortals who roamed it, weren’t interesting enough to keep his attention. 

Another paper falls in my lap. Mikasa, do you have a CRUSH?? On Eren Jaeger??

I crumple the paper as quickly as I can, casting a furtive glance at my neighbour, who thankfully, seemed blissfully unaware. 

Ignoring what Armin said, I wrote back, He is pretty, though. Don’t you agree? 

Armin rolled his eyes. FINE. Sure. But I can’t believe The great Mikasa Ackerman finally has a crush on somebody!!!!

Despite my embarrassment, I felt a small smile creep onto my face. I folded the paper neatly and put it in my skirt pocket. So that’s what this, I thought to myself. A crush. 

[bloompompom]

BLOOMY!! HI :3

i did end up reading Puzzles on ao3 AND IT WAS AMAZING!! I don’t even know how to put it into words - i finished it and i came straight here to tell you

Honestly bloomy the way you write is so engaging and beautiful! haha i am blanking so hard on what the word is but ya got me hooked from the first chapter - and the way you characterise Eren is so perfect!! It’s like.. its a completely different Eren because its not canon obviously but its also not your typical college au BUT ITS EREN DOWN TO HIS CORE.

i LOVED how you don’t just focus on Eren ; there’s so much quality in your writing of the friendships with the rest of the gang too!! Sasha, Mikasa and Armin especially

Typically the love triangle (sort of) trope doesn’t itch my brain right.. but the way you incorporated it was so smoothly done imo. It wasn’t to stir drama as much as it was to showcase how deep Eren and Jean’s friendship is no matter how much they fight (it felt very true to canon) . It also worked to show character development and growth for all of them and GOD i ate those 24 chapters up so fuckin fast.

And Eren (can you tell i love him so much bloomy?) UGH HE IS JUST SO… SBISBSKDNF BLOOMY I WANT HIM SO BAD

He is so disgustingly and effortlessly charming and it works so well with him and FUCK i would also jumble up my words and become a mess in front of him…ohmtgosh I got sidetracked - what i meant to say was — you showcase Eren’s internal struggles and issues with vulnerability so so so so well.

Like i know that you had to twist it to fit the context but i think the homage to canon Eren is done very nicely and THE LITTLE GLIMPSES TO S4 EREN WHERE HE SHUTS HIMSELF OFF TO EVERYONE AND PUSHES HIS THOUGHTS DOWN DEEP AND HIDES BECAUSE HE WANTS TO PROTECT THE PEOPLE HE LOVES AND SAVE THEM FROM GETTING HURT IM - SOBS

i wrote a whole essay for you and analysed your Eren but i promise i only do that when something is very dear to me (Eren Jaeger..)

i reblog a lot of your work and i know you dont know who i am but bloomy you are honestly so so so fucking talented and (all writers do but) you deserve so much recognition for the effort you put in

ill probably reblog Puzzles with this ask copied and expose myself…HAHAHA

NEWAYS BLOOMY THANK YOU FOR WRITING THIS <33

seriously thank you from the bottom of my heart for taking the time to tell me this!! i actually teared up (i’m sensitive okay) but really this is so incredibly kind, thank you

i started writing puzzles around this time two years ago so i sort of forget it exists tbh but it’s the first fanfic i wrote since maybe middle school and it’ll always hold a place in my heart for getting me back into writing. i was actually thinking about going through and breathing some life into it—which is why i admittedly have been so bad about uploading the rest to tumblr lol

all that’s to say, thank you so much for the kind words but also making me remember it! 🤍🤍🤍

[caesthetix]

HAPPY IS HER — Part 2

↪ Jean Kirstein mini-series

↪ content; canon universe, description of violence, season 4, reincarnation!au, heavy angst

Was it three? Four? Jean didn't really count how many years had passed since the last time he saw you. It was the happiest day of his life when he finally married the woman of his dreams, the first love from his previous lifetime, and his forever more in this one, too. How romantic. To love the same person over and over again.

The venue was decorated so prettily, and he wanted to thank you along with his wife for creating such a blast. You were the best wedding organiser out there, at least to him, you were. Ever since he bumped into you inside the antique bookshops, spending about five years with you as a dear friend, he knew he could count on you.

So imagine his surprise when there was only your assistant idling around by the end of the day. With a folder in her hand and a notebook with your handwritten tucked inside. Something for him. Just him, not the others, and of course not for Mikasa.

He needed time to understand the reason. Reading page by page for a bazillion of times since he was afraid he missed some information. He hoped you hinted where you would go or what you were going to do in between the lines as his heart skipped a beat faster. Thinking that maybe you tried to say something.

But even after he read it every day before he fell asleep, Jean learned nothing from it except a little fairy tale that was now engraved in his brain.

There was a little girl. So naïve — not knowing what kind of danger lingered outside the wall.

Walls. Titans. Such a bizarre story you had written there. About survival, friendship, different beliefs and so many more condensed into your notebook. There were some sentences he felt so familiar with, especially when the girl interacted with her best friend. Some promises, the banter and how they teased each other.

Jean had a smile plastered on his face every time he read it, as if he was reminiscing some old memories. One that he could never forget with how precious it was to him.

One that he eventually did without him being aware of it.

"I am ready now." Turning around, he couldn't help but wolf-whistle when he saw how gorgeous his wife was. "Do I look good?" She twirled around, raven hair floating in the air as she showed off her emerald body-con dress, hugging her body so perfectly.

"Babe, all men would be jealous of me to have you in my arms." He let out a small chuckle and pressed a deep kiss on her lips, leaving a wet smack sound when he pulled away. "Let's go then. I am betting the others are waiting."

Mikasa Ackerman, now Mikasa Kirstein. The smugness on his face every time he remembered how his friend gawked at him never faltered. Even after years went by, he was still proud of having such a pretty lady to be called as his wife. The days that went by felt like he was newly wed all over again since she never once changed.

Something that made him want to wake up every morning, knowing how perfect his life was. Yes, perfect. But not complete, never complete.

Jean didn't know what else he needed. He had a wife that loved him so, a stable job in such a prestigious law firm, and an adorable dog that had become their kid for the last couple of years. Marco once told him that maybe he wanted a baby, but even when he knew Mikasa could not bear children, he didn't feel disappointed at all.

That was what made him decide to travel around the world in his free time. Taking his wife with him as they went on a random journey every time. He tried to find the meaning of life, what could have possibly made him whole. Some said he needed to be grateful. He did, he always did, with what the world had bestowed upon him.

Yet, after a few years went by, and he still had that gap in his days, he ended up taking it as some kind of redemption, perhaps an atonement over his sin in the past life.

"Goodness, is that Sasha?" Mikasa pointed at someone who was now standing in front of the restaurant with her husband, Niccolo, right beside her. "She smuggled something‌ inside her bag. She never changed, Jean." A small giggle slipped from her lips, followed by a deep chuckle from him as he parked the car.

A reunion. Just a small one in between him, Connie, Sasha, and Marco. The golden quartet, you once said. And the four of them thought it had become a quintet ever since he brought you into his house and introduced you to them. But now, it was back to just them, never once changed as no one actually fitted in as easily as you.

Taking a deep breath, he felt a shiver down his spine the second he was out of his car. Winter was never kind to those who went out, they knew that, but it wouldn't be them if they were not being stubborn. After all, three years had passed ever since Marco moved to New Zealand, and since he was coming back, they had to celebrate.

The second he went inside the restaurant with his wife, a loud cheer from Connie and Sasha resonated throughout the place, making some pairs of eyes turn to face him. Mikasa could only chuckle at that, always loving the warm atmosphere every time the two rascals were around before she pushed Jean to get them.

He didn't waste a time and just ruffled his best friends, feeling so light as he felt like this was the only moment he felt almost complete. When their friends surrounded him, tears pricked the corner of their eyes from too much laughing, making fun of each other to no end to the point they were embarrassing each other.

And for a split second, he thought about how everything could be much better if you were still around. If only you were not gone without a trace.

"Starting the reunion without me?" A smooth, angelic tone that belonged to the only sane person in the group stopped them from killing each other. "I thought we were here to celebrate my return. Guess not, huh?"

"Oh, come here Mr Bodt!"

The husband and wives of the quartet knew ‌it was time for them to enjoy their time, giving their loved ones some moment to reminisce about life. Three years wasn't short for Jean, Marco, Connie and Sasha, who used to spend their time together for probably the first fifteen years of their life since elementary school.

Jean felt like the night was perfect. The fact that one of his best friends returned to Paradis was also a plus. Knowing they could hang out like they used to, having back the routine he once lost, maybe after this, he would feel complete.

And oh, he felt exactly that. He felt in every fibre of his being the second Marco leaned away and cleared his throat to reveal someone else that went with him to the reunion, someone that Jean thought would never see again.

There was you, in all your glory. With the same smile he remembered the last time he saw your face. He couldn't move his body, lips slightly parted as he thought ‌his eyes deceived him. You were here. You were coming back to them, to his life.

He wasn't able to grasp whatever Marco said as the ravenette patted your shoulders. His pupil followed you around, looking at how you kissed Sasha's cheeks and tried to calm her down since she was crying by now. Connie just had his jaw dropped to the ground, saying no way! repeatedly underneath his breath as it grew louder and louder.

You fitted back in so easily. Just like that. Here again as if you never left in the first place. There were so many questions he wanted to ask, so many things he wondered. Jean felt happy, fuming, hurt, all at the same time because he longed to see you, to have you in his life. He had lost you once before. He didn't want to lose you again.

"Hello, Jean." You waved your hand in front of his face, snapping him out of his reverie. "How are you? I saw Mikasa before. She's as pretty as ever! Bet you have been treating her right with how much she glows."

"Oh, you know me." Of course you did. He didn't need to explain or say much since you were the one who knew him best, after all. "I always treat those I love with everything I can give to them, anyway."

The missing piece of the puzzle appeared out of nowhere. Slipping back into his life and making his time searching for it came to waste. It was you. Always did from the first moment he tugged your wrist. The person who was so important that he felt like he had lost something when you were gone without a trace.

You kept your hands on your lap as you sat beside him, with Marco on the other side as he asked what you wanted to order. Jean couldn't help himself but pointed at some dishes on the menu, things that he felt so sure you liked. If those four years you went missing didn't change you, you would pick one of his recommendations.

And the night rolled on without a hitch. No one thought it was weird to see another lady in between the rowdy quartet. Yes, you always belonged there. Not even one spouse thought you weren't supposed to be among them.

Sometimes Connie and Sasha would ask what you had been doing. After all, even though you could click right in with them so easily, they were still curious about what happened in the vast gap of years they missed you. Whether you were happy, whether you missed them too, whether you found someone —

And when you smiled and glanced in his direction. The two immediately kept their lips curled into a soft smile.

They didn't need to ask more. They understood without you needing to elaborate with words. But Jean? He did. He needed to hear you spell it out for him.

However, when stupid banter and over the top jokes replaced the somewhat serene atmosphere from before, he stopped himself. Maybe he could ask you later when the two of you were alone. You were always more open around him, and he hoped a few years apart didn't change that part.

It was almost ten, and they were the only crowd who stayed in this restaurant. The only customer left. Marco felt like it was time for them to end the night, much to everyone's dismay, since tomorrow was Monday anyway.

They had to get enough sleep so they wouldn't get hazy in the morning for work. At the reminder of that, the rest of the group could only groan and nodded, dispersing to get fresh air since there was some alcohol flowing in their blood.

Jean thanked Mikasa for accompanying him, smiling all the way to his ears when she gave him a kiss and told him she would be the one who drove. It was really nice indeed, a surprising night since he didn't expect you to be here again, to appear with his best friend and grace him with your presence that was long gone.

Walking towards the balcony, he lit his cigarette to clear his mind. And lady luck seemed to be on his side tonight the moment he saw you leaned in at the railing with a glass of water in your hand.

"I thought you were going home."

"Hm? Not yet, Jean."

He leaned his back on the railing, puffing out some greyish smoke into the air. Five feet apart, because he knew you disliked the smell of the burned cigarette.

You didn't even turn to face him. Not a gesture of surprise could be seen as he stepped inside your space. He wondered what you were thinking, and most importantly, he wanted to know why you came back after all those years.

"I read your notebook every day." But if he wanted you to tell him everything. He needed to play his card right. "Before I sleep. Every day, ever since I received it."

Jean didn't let you question his commitment. Clarifying what he had done for the last four years. He wanted you to know how much your existence meant to him, and how the past years without you there had been consuming him little by little. Even though you were just his best friend, he cherished you as much as he did for his wife.

"I see." He glanced at you, wanting to see your reaction. You only twirled the mineral water around, not even an ounce of emotion changed your neutral visage. "What do you think, then?"

"It was heartbreaking."

"Of course. It's not really about rainbow and—"

"But also nostalgic, in a way."

Your pupils dilated at his words. There, the exact emotion that he couldn't fathom. You stopped responding; you stopped whatever words you wanted to say and merely — existed. Hell, sometimes he thought you didn't even breathe when you were like this. "I wanted to ask you something. No, a lot of things, actually."

As he took a step closer towards you, it almost made him falter when he saw the way you leaned away. Four years have changed you. He was aware of that. But he still needed you to clarify something, if that was possible. He just needed to know why. He wanted to know what he did wrong for you to leave him in the dust.

Not just him. Connie and Sasha would often ask where you were, and if everything was alright while Marco comforted them. The three of them would be crazy thinking about your whereabouts if only the ravenette didn't calm them down.

"It's late, Jean." You took a deep breath, shutting your eyes for a second there before it laid upon him. "We can talk tomorrow. I am going to move here again so we can catch up anytime we want." That smile on your face. He frowned when he realised it didn't reach your eyes. "After all, your wife waited for you, right?"

It felt like he had been in this place before. In the same situation where he was so close to knowing, to learn about something between you and him, and yet it always dispersed into nothing as you assured him he shouldn't be worried about it.

As if you didn't want him to know. As if you tried to hinder him from finding out the truth.

"Why did you always push me away...?"

He sounded so broken when he threw the question, and you gaped at how vulnerable the intonation that lingered there. "Do you know something? Have you seen any memories from the past? Is it that bad with me?"

"Jean, no. I—" You wanted to calm him down. Your palm was hovering right in front of his chest, but you stopped yourself. It looked like you were scared to touch him. "I can't. Please know that I can't talk about this. There's a reason and maybe one day you could understand. But I hope you didn't. I really hope you never did."

"So you actually see the past." He snorted in disbelief. All those times he tried to tell you about the awakened memories. All those years, he thought you were clueless and just another normal human being. It was a lie. "Then you know? On my wedding day, I was so close to see it through but you didn't let me, you — you lied to me!"

"Jean!"

"And why is that, huh? Am I turned out to be such a despicable person? Is that the reason ‌you moved away, telling no one about it?!"

"No! You don't understand! The past few years also tortured me! But I did it because I must evade you, Jean. I did it for you—"

"Everything's okay?"

The two heads whipped towards the source of the voice. Marco raised one of his eyebrows before scrunching his forehead since he would never have thought to see you and Jean having a heated argument. "It's late. I think both of you drank too much liquor. If there's something you both need to talk about, I suggest tomorrow."

He strode right beside you, standing so close, as if he tried to shield you from Jean. The taller man could only look down at his best friend with disbelief before grumbling a bit underneath his breath.

A ravenette, always a ravenette. The one who blocked him from unravelling his own memory was Mikasa back then, and now it was Marco.

"Fine, then."

"Good. I am sure Mikasa is waiting for you, too."

Marco smiled at him, and the tension Jean felt slowly lifted off his shoulder. His best friend was right, he had to go back since Mikasa had been so kind to wait for him. What a perfect woman indeed, and he gave a small nod towards the freckled man.

From your words, you were really going to stay here again. So if by chance he could grab a coffee with you, he would continue this conversation then. Completely sober because he didn't want to mess things up. "We will see you later, Jean. Goodnight."

"Yeah, pal. Good—"

"You know, Jean?" He was barely done replenishing the gas for his manoeuvring gear when Marco sat beside him. "I think you are not really in love with Mikasa."

"What?" Jean stopped what he did. All the shouts of excitement from another cadet were muted as he could only hear his best friend's voice. Marco had the audacity to have a smirk on his face, not facing him still as he fixed his boots. "Oi, how come you say that?"

"Because it's the truth. You actually put your heart in your sleeve, Jean."

Jean immediately stood from where he sat, forcing the freckled boy to look at him because of his abrupt movement. He didn't know where the ravenette got that idea from. And surely he didn't expect him to say it now when they were going to climb back on top of the wall after retaking the headquarters. Couldn't he wait to discuss this? Something as — important as his heart?

"No, I am not." He jutted his lips out, something that only elicited a chuckle from his best friend. Something that made Jean scowl even more now. "I adore her entire existence, Marco. She is the prettiest woman out there. So brave and the greatest soldier in our ranks. Shit, even when all she could think of was Eren, I still want her!"

"Are you really?" Those light brown orbs fixated on someone behind him, one that he immediately followed since he wanted to know what Marco had been trying to say to him.

Sasha slumped herself towards you, practically crying and wailed some gratitude on your chest. You were not even trying to get her off you, understanding how shocked she would have been since a titan almost got her. If you were not there to kill the one she was assigned to before, maybe Sasha wouldn't even be here right now.

You and your gentle nature, so nurturing to those around but at the same time could be such a clown around them. Jean only let out a small chuckle at the sight of the two girls, and when you realised ‌he had been looking at you, he could feel his cheeks heated.

But he didn't look away, not feeling embarrassed that you caught him, not at all.

"I couldn't really hide things from you, huh, Marco?" He whispered out underneath his breath, just enough for the ravenette to hear him. "Since when did you know about it?"

"Since the first day, maybe." Turning around, he faced Marco once again, who was now down with the preparation. "You always talked about her, telling me about her stupid antics. And of course, that soft smile on your face, Jean."

"Yeah, can't help it when she always makes me feel like I am..." He chuckled. The smile reached his eyes in the middle of this hellish time from just the thought of you. "...whole."

Jean didn't want anyone to know, actually. About how he was secretly in love with his best friend, someone who knew him like the back of their hand. He once asked Connie to nudge the idea of him liking you, but the bald boy said you only fake gagged and walked away, a sign that Jean took for him to take a step back.

The world only needed to know that Mikasa Ackerman rejected him. One person was enough. He didn't need them to know you also did.

"Why do you hide it away, though?"

"Oh, come on, Marco." His chuckle now turned bitter. "I am not risking what I already have with her."

Jean swallowed an enormous lump before turning around, beckoning his best friend to follow suit, as he didn't want to talk about this anymore. With Mikasa, it was fine because they started as strangers. But with you? He clicked with your mind and taste in joke, practically chose you as his ally since day one he saw you tamed Sasha.

He didn't want to throw the dice, wondering if maybe he could have more with you. So he decided to just love Mikasa, continuing his admiration while still ‌keeping you close.

Because he was aware, he wouldn't feel complete without you in his life.

Jean sucked a deep breath, not believing himself or what he just saw. Everything, everything. It felt like time stopped as all the memories from his past life came into him. Not just a glimpse, not just a spark or anything he had seen before when he was with Mikasa or anyone else he met before.

It was just a playful pat from Marco on his shoulder, but he swore it made his legs wobble for a second there as if the freckled man tried to push him off the balcony. He couldn't breathe, not knowing where the oxygen in his lungs went with ‌these memories came to him like a hurdle of waves, trying to drown him out.

He wanted to reach out towards you and the ravenette who was already walking away. Marco had his left hand intertwined with yours, practically pulling you away from him and it just — it wasn't fair and it hurt.

"Hey."

Jean called out to you, feeling so relieved when you stopped walking and took another look at him. Right now, there was only you in his eyes. You, the one who knew him best, maybe the same or even more than the man who stood behind you.

There were so many things he wanted to say. So many words that were left unsaid after the whirlpool of emotion came crashing down at him. And when you pursed your lips, when he saw tears glossed your eyes despite you tried to keep it at bay, he had a feeling that you knew.

Oh, you knew that he knew.

The promises. What he had said before in the life where the two of you were reckless soldiers, everything went up to the surface after being buried by nature.

So this was the reason ‌you always had some kind of subtle reaction when he talked about Mikasa. This was the reason ‌you ended up moving to another place without telling him, the thing that pushed you to go away and settled your heart somewhere else.

Because you realise the promises had been broken the second he said I do, four years ago, in front of Mikasa Ackerman.

"I promise, I promise I will find you one day."

He did. He found you here in this lifetime. A place without titan, without the two of you having to be afraid that every moment would be the last.

"We will be happy by then."

However, it was nothing like the one he had in mine. Not the one you had been waiting for. The two of you didn't meet and fall in love, not married to one another and have kids or anything you were supposed to tell him. The house he bought in previous lifetime and this one — it wasn't for you. Not for you to take a shelter in with him.

He could have that. If only in this life too, he was willing to gamble his friendship with you. Maybe you were the one who had his last name instead of the woman who now waited for him in the driver's seat.

But the two of you were aware that maybe, no matter what kind of world he resided in, this was how it would end with you.

"Y-Yes, Jean?"

With him to live and fall in love with someone else, and you to stay in his life as nothing more but a dearest friend.

"Congratulations on the engagement, both of you."

↪ Back to Wall Maria

↪ Citizen; @yumaryko @may-machin @cuteissei @sanchooinc / HIH Guest; @samkysnks @ange-lica-3​ @kaeyvelle 

↪ Send an ask if you want to be a citizen of Paradis (taglist)!

[crisalidaseason]

Interactions I'd sell my right kidney and useless uterus to see more often:

Warning ⚠️ This isn't an underrated ship kind of post, it's just character interactions that I really loved and wanted to see more. Please don't take this as a ship if you don't like the pairs.

Sasha and Mikasa

Two pretty best friends that only got more attention when THAT happened. They are perfect together because they can relate together. They also have to deal with two males and sometimes need some girl time together.

Mikasa and Historia

I ship them a little bit, but I headcannon that they write letters to one another. We all remember that scene in season three am I right? In my head they have a little bit of romantic tension that they didn't let themselves explore because of the mess of life they have.

Eren and Connie

You can't convince me they didn't paired up and annoyed the heck out of Jean. Two idiots, a funny one and an angry one. But truly I think Connie looks up to Eren a lot, which is something not everybody does. And Eren likes that Connie isn't overly worried about him, like Mikasa and Armin, but also doesn't piss him off constantly, like Jean.

Eren and Historia

I know many people ship them, but I truly believe they would be strictly allies, like true allies. Eren would admire História's honesty a lot. I really believe they would benefit from giving and taking advice from one another. Not necessarily a friendship, but more of a mutual understanding and help.

Armin and Sasha

Because when Armin is with Sasha it's the only time I can see him get a little goofy. And I also believe he would see Sasha as a very intelligent person so sometimes he goes to her when he's stuck in some strategic planning because she really gives good insights.

Armin and Jean

I think Jean is a relief for Armin when Eren is too much and he's feeling too guilty to bother Mikasa. Jean has this kind of understanding that doesn't need words and Armin really appreciates that since he hates talking about feelings. And Jean admires him a lot, specially because Armin is reliable and always have the group's best interest in mind. He trusts Armin a lot.

Eren and Jean

Those two are always portrayed as rivals and it's funny and all, but I think they have a silent agreement where they always have each other's back. And if anyone in the friend group is in distress, they will not hesitate to be the best protective duo.

Reiner and Jean

This friendship that we didn't see much but I know hurt Jean a lot when they split. I think Jean saw him as sort of an older brother that took care of him. Jean is a little bit of a worried mom because of Connie and Sasha, so sometimes he needs someone to look out for him, and I think Reiner filled that spot. And Reiner likes to care for people because of his guilt towards Marcel and Porco.

Ymir and Reiner

Please they weren't friends, and I really think they would HATE each other forever, but that "imma pull you out of this closet" scene was GOLD. I needed more Ymir and Reiner beefing for comedy relief.

[karizard-ao3]

I just think it would be so cute if mikasa came to live connie’s mom or close by and when connie returns to paradis he sees how close his mom and mikasa came to be. How do u think conkasa would start seeing eo differently?

I think so, too! So, this is what I was thinking. Connie's mom likes living in a small village but she for sure is done with Ragako after losing almost all of her family and then being stuck on that house as a titan. Connie suggests she moves to Sasha's village,because she knows Artur Braus is a cool guy and will make her feel at home. When Mikasa mentions she doesn't like living in the city, Connie is like, "Go live in Sasha's old village! It's great! My mom loves it there!" So Mikasa does and Connie obviously comes to see everyone when he's not traveling around with Armin and everyone doing their ambassador shit.

How do I think Conkasa start seeing each other differently? Okay, so my thought is they initially bond over their mutual grief at having lost the most important person in each of their lives. In my wip (the one, single partial scene I have written), I have them seeing each other for the first time in a few years at Sasha's grave. Connie mentions how she never writes to anyone and she apologizes for being such a bad pen pal, she just doesn't know what to say. Connie tells her if she's writing to him, she can say whatever she wants because he's just happy to get mail.

Which is how they start writing to each other. Connie is doing the rounds with everyone again and he and Mikasa are writing to each other regularly and commiserating and also starting to get to know each other better than they had before. The next time the gang are back in Paradis, they're both really looking forward to seeing each other, but not really realizing that it might be because of more than just friendship.

Connie and Jean are both thinking they're ready to come back home and settle down on the island while Armin, Annie, and Reiner are good to keep going as diplomats. Connie, because he is such a good friend, encourages Mikasa to try dating Jean, and tries to ignore the fact that he actually really hates the idea. Mikasa, for her part, finds that she's disappointed Connie is moving home and immediately trying to set her up with someone else.

She goes on a few underwhelming dates with Jean (she can't really get into it) and Connie is getting kind of distant because he's having a hard time dealing with his feelings about it and she is really distressed that she seems to be losing him when he's finall back home. Then maybe she writes him a letter about her feelings? Or maybe Mikasa is visiting Jean and Connie in the city while they figure out where they're going to be living etc. so Connie goes back with her to the village to see his mom and she points out that he's fallen for Mikasa? I don't know. Anyway, it's been a very soft and gradual progression from comrades to friends to falling for each other so it just kind of snuck up on them both. Connie moves to Sasha's village, which he was planning on doing anyway, and eventually they get married and have three cute little kids and live a quiet, simple life not unlike the one she led with her parents but with neighbors around.

[oatmealmika]

attack on titan characters and random jobs (modern au)

tw : multiple curse words

part 2 part 3

Eren Yeager :

• definitely got a job at a fast food restaurant and manages the drive thru.

• i know this little fuck has gotten into a fight with a customer at least once it was jean.

• him and jean

• he actually gets along pretty well with his coworkers, they just think he’s a bit much.

• when the customer asks for something he suggests, he would think about it for a while, saying little side notes like, “oh wait, the chicken tenders suck…” and “don’t recommend the apple juice, it’s expired”.

• he’d end up getting fired, but hey, he was forced into getting a job by his mom so he couldn’t care less.

Mikasa Ackerman :

• i headcanon she plays the guitar and she would sometimes do gigs at restaurants.

• the songs she’d play are a mix of covers and songs she actually made.

• the songs she’d write would sound like mitski’s music.

• eren, armin, jean, sasha, and connie, being supportive friends, came to watch her play.

• on the topic of her friends, if they knew the song she was playing, they’d sing along.

• once, she was singing a mitski song and eren was screaming his lungs out. he had to leave.

Armin Arlert :

• would work at a library and read to the little kids they love him so much.

• he is very good at reading to an audience because of how clear and nicely toned his voice is.

• the kids would be super into the book, too. like, they’d be flipping out over how molly befriended her enemy because of the power of friendship.

• he really cares about the kids and would give them life advice and emotional support for whatever’s going on in their life <3

• when eren and mikasa came to pick him up, they saw how he was with the kids and they melted-

Jean Kirstein :

• does online art commissions

• and has the prices to be way too expensive

• like, yes, artists do deserve to get a rightful amount of money, but jean would charge wayyy too much (lmao)

• marco is standing next to his desk like, “jean, you’ve been working all day, let’s go to sleep”.

• “yeah, no”

• he actually has a youtube channel where he usually does reaction videos, but he doesn’t get paid for the videos. he’s always plugging his art on his channel.

Connie Springer :

• comedy youtuber

• whether it’s sketches with sasha, reaction videos, or vlogs about him going to disneyland, this man does it all.

• i think he’d make similar content to anthpo.

• and, like anthpo, he’d invite his friends to do stupid stuff with him. his followers know all of his friends’ names by heart, at this point.

• he’d take pranks too far and jean would scold him on camera while connie tries to tell him the camera’s still on.

• “j- jean… the camera’s-…” “no! no more interrupting me! you have to change.”

• i think his channel can be summed up in the “how much did you pay for that taco” vine.

• also really good at doing impressions.

Sasha Braus :

• a sign spinner

• doesn’t even know anything about the business she’s doing this for, she just had debt to pay.

• really talented, actually. she invited connie to watch her at her job once and he beatboxed.

• a chef from the restaurant down the street comes to give sasha food everyday, and he sits with her during her lunch break.

• “thank you, nicolo!!”

• connie and jean ship them

• this girl never loses her energy, istg. she could do this all night if her boss didn’t make her leave.

Historia Reiss :

• if she wasn’t forced into working for the family business, she would be manicurist.

• she’d talk a lot to customers but it’s endearing :)

• “and then reiner was all like-…” “uhm… miss? you’re painting on my skin…”

• straight up insults the music they play in the salon.

• “this place really needs to up their game on the music…”

• then she’d start taking about how her girlfriend’s job has good music.

• sometimes her girlfriend, ymir, comes over and does weird shit in the salon. like, if somebody dared her to cut a large chunk of her hair off, she’d do it.

• ymir would be told to leave, but historia would make her manager let her back in.

• if she finds out a client is also queer, she invites them to lunch with ymir. she wants to be friends with all the local gays.

Ymir :

• growing up, she had this friend named porco and they opened a motorcycle shop together.

• they’d also have some 10/10 music playing, this is a playlist of what i think would play in their shop :

• probably charges extra money for when her friends come get their bike checked out (like the little shit she is).

• porco and ymir pick on this customer that comes in sometimes, his name is reiner, idk if you know him-…

• if you ship pieck x porco, here’s something : ymir is porco’s wingwoman and is excruciatingly obvious about porco’s feelings about pieck when talking to her.

• if pieck reciprocates his feelings, they, with ymir and historia, go on a double date <3

• if they’re not playing music, they’re playing a true crime podcast.

Reiner Braun and Bertholdt Hoover

• run a podcast together!! it ranges from true crime, to tv show analyses, to just gossiping about whatever comes to mind.

• one time, reiner started confessing his deepest, darkest secrets on an episode of the podcast and bertholdt was like, “re- reiner! that’s enough, right??”

• they edited it out, though, because nobody wants to hear about what age reiner pissed the bed ‘till.

• if they ever cover a horror-related thing, bet your ass bertholdt would be internally petrified.

• “and did you know [insert very gruesome and disturbing thing, in graphic detail]?” “no, i didn’t, reiner! just please carry on!!”

• reiner notices how scared bertholdt is when doing horror related things on the podcast, so they eventually stopped doing them.

• overall, they’re pretty funny on the podcast and invited connie onto their podcast, which only made the podcast even funnier.

Annie Leonhart

• this one could be very obvious : personal trainer, or not so obvious : dog walker.

• we have to think about this : would annie (my beloved) really be into socializing with others? would she enjoy being a personal trainer? i don’t really think as such…

• and, it sounds very strange, but annie being a dog walker makes sense to me.

• 1.) she doesn’t have to interact with people that much. 2) she’s getting a workout, while getting paid!!

• i think annie would be down for that, would she not?

• dogs love her. she loves dogs, she just doesn’t seem the type to like them, though.

• annie would talk halfly to herself, halfly to the dogs.

• “and, so, mikasa said-…”

• slay :)

(let me know if i should make another one of these for other character)

[fromriches-tosin]

Mikasa!

Hello!

Give me a character

Oh my, the one and only — Mikasa Ackerman.

1. How I feel about this character:

Mikasa was… a big disappointment to me. For someone so badass, so skilled and so effective on the battlefield, outside of it she behaves like a zombie. I adore that one scene in S4 when Armin goes ballistic and tells her to start thinking on her own. I wish someone had done that earlier. That being said, she seems less robotic and more alive in the manga, so let’s say the anime did her dirty.

2. All the people I ship romantically with this character:

In all honesty, I don’t ship her with anyone. She should learn how to live with herself and for herself. And maybe that’s exactly what she does at the end of the story when she disappears for those few years. Maybe I would ship her with Ymir (freckles) if they had some more scenes together — I feel like Ymir could teach her a lot about life.

3. My non-romantic OTP for this character:

In my opinion, for a very long time (3 seasons to be exact) Mikasa cares about three people only: 80% of her attention is on Eren, 15% on Armin and 5% on Jean (seeing her so distraught after Sasha’s death was honestly a shocker to me, but then again — the anime did her dirty). I like her friendship with Armin. He has a good influence on her. And I like the way she learns to value Jean’s opinion and turn to him for guidance along the way. Since Armin and Jean were originally meant to be one character, they both seem like a good friend material — even if Jean has a crush on her.

4. My unpopular opinion about this character:

Jean deserves better than her. :))

5. One thing I wish would happen / had happened with this character in canon:

I wish she had learned how to let go of some things and people. I wish she hadn’t been buried in that scarf. (that’s more that one thing, oops)

[unlikelyjedi]

Attack on Titan Pride Headcanons (Scouts Edition)

I like Attack on Titan. I put off watching it for months and when I was finally peer-pressured by all my friends and my sister, I fell in love!!!

So of course I'm gonna make a pride post!! This will cover all the... important scouts?? All the ones who don't immediately die within the first 2 seasons at least. I'll have a separate post for Warriors, so if you see Reiner and Bertotto missing, that's why.

Oh yeah, and spoilers for... the whole show??? Even in a headcanon post, it'd be very hard to not spoil anything, so read at your own risk. Also the way I spell character's last names is arbitrary. There's a different spelling every time I see it for Eren. And don't get me started on Bristol.

Disclaimer: These are my personal opinions. This is only one way of engaging with the media, and if it's not your way or you disagree, then that's chill. Art is Subjective. I'm just here to have some fun!

Okay, now to the actual post!!

Eren Jaeger (he/him): Bisexual, Ace-spec

I need to preface this by saying I'm Eremin trash and I think they're lovely together. I also believe Eren and Mikasa have good chemistry even if I don't ship them.

Eren isn't sure how or why he feels attraction, but when he does, he really loves them. To an extreme degree. He holds on for dear life, and then some.

Armin Arlert (he/him): Gay

A lot of people like the bi/pan headcanon, and while I think that works, I guess I don't personally see it. I don't really think he has chemistry with any of the women in AoT but that's just my subjective view of it. The only woman I feel like he'd have chemistry with is Mikasa, to be honest. And that seems like the exception rather than the rule.

Not only am I Eremin trash, but I also love a healthy dose of Jearmin!! They cute!!

Mikasa Ackerman (she/her): Bisexual, Demi

Oh the chemistry she has with everyone. Jeankasa, Mikasasha, Mikannie, Mikahisu, good god there are so many good pairings for her!!!

I don't think she feels attraction until she's got a good connection to the person. Hence why she fell so hard for Eren.

Jean Kirschstein (he/him): Bisexual

Again, so much chemistry with so many people.

JeanMarco, Jearmin, EreJean, Jeankasa. So!! Many!!

I don't think he realized he was bi until he met Marco, and then it just kinda clicked. Oh, men are hot, too.

Constance Cornelius Springer (he/him): Aro/Ace

To this day, I can't decide if he likes everyone or no one, but for now I'll stick with this headcanon.

He's just vibing. He's plenty close to people, but that doesn't mean a relationship. He's fulfilled just with his close friendship with others.

Sasha Braus (she/her): Bisexual

Food first, relationships later.

Her and Niccolo are cute and she's got good chemistry with Mikasa. But only Niccolo could provide her with her true love: meat.

Krista Lenz | Historia Reiss (she/her): Bisexual

This might be a controversial take. Lesbian Historia tends to be the consensus in fan circles, but I personally think she likes more than just women. Although I do believe she mostly likes women.

Maybe it's because I like the idea that she was eventually able to move on from Ymir, and that she wasn't stuck in perpetual despair. Maybe I like the idea of Farmer-kun (who I've affectionately named Huckleberry). I like that even though she'll forever hold Ymir in her heart, she's allowed to let another in. idk idk.

Ymir (she/her): Lesbian

MY BABE!!! She's absolutely a mean lesbian and she is very gay and very much loves women. She wants to marry Historia and love her forever!!! Bless her for being here and existing, I love her!!

Marco Bodt (he/him): Gay

I'm cheating a bit. I know he was going to the MP, but I don't care. He's an honorary scout in my mind.

Why is he gay? Vibes. But also the way he smiles at Jean?? Can someone smile at me like that??

Erwin Smith (he/him): Gay

I don't have a reason for this. Just my own personal opinion. He could also be bi. It's all subjective. He just love Levi.

Levi Ackerman (he/him): Gay??

I put question marks because I don't think he's attracted to women, but I do think he could be attracted to Hange, who isn't a woman, but also is not a man. So he could be bi?? But I suppose I think of bi as being both men and women attracted along with other genders even though the base definition is simply 2 or more genders.

Anyway, he just love Erwin.

Hange Zoe (they/them): Genderqueer!! Bisexual!!

Actually Canon!!! Both of These!!!

I already knew about them being genderqueer, but I was very surprised that the Bisexual part was also canon!!! Although how weird that Moblit wasn't on there as a pairing.

Also them having a crush on Pieck is very cute, the hell?? We love to see it!!

Moblit (he/him): Pansexual

He loves regardless of gender. This also falls under the "vibes" rule. I just feel like that fits for him.

That was a lot!! Next time will be the Warriors!!!

[ihatelettuce]

This app has done me so wonderfully while I’ve had it

In ways that I can’t even begin to talk about this app and reading fanfiction in general has saved my life

It singlehandedly resparked my imagination and creativity

Gave me a safe place to explore ideas, thoughts and concepts that I couldn’t get out of my head

It’s allowed me to decipher feelings that I’ve had hidden deep inside

Formulate them into something comprehensible

I don’t have any desire to read fanfiction any longer

While I always have and always will love reading, I finally want to be present

For the first time in my entire life, I finally want to be present

My love for attack on titan will never ever die. I may not be a diehard fan who’s entire life revolves around the show anymore, but I will never stop loving or rewatching my show.

I have been battered, assaulted, neglected and hurt throughout the entirety of my life, and in the absence of any form of socialization, friendship or real love, attack on titan and it’s characters filled in the void that nothing else would.

With the endless philosophies and theories that are insinuated and portrayed within the show, I have learned so incredibly much about life and the way I viewed myself and the world around me.

Eren taught me to embrace myself and hold myself to a higher light, simply because I exist. He taught me to never look back. To STOP looking back. That your personal freedom was the ONLY thing to strive for, your only goal. Nothing else was, is, or will be more important. Move forward. Move forward and keep going, even when it hurts, you TAKE your freedom.

Mikasa taught me a devotion to hold for the ones you love like nobody else ever could.

“I don't like the terms "good person" or "bad person" because it is impossible to be entirely good to everyone. To some, you are a good person, while to others, you are a bad person.”

That statement from Armin alone changed my entire perspective on life and what it means to truly be myself. As a character who was already relatable to my timid, fragile younger self, he opened my eyes up and taught me to accept that I couldn’t be perfect and that I was worth every ounce of love I deserve even if I’ve been “bad”. That my worth doesnt come solely for my actions and how proper I am. That even though I hold it together, I am still a wreck inside and it causes me to unintentionally hurt.

Armin made me conscious. He made me aware of the much bigger picture behind what it means to “be”.

Watching Jean grow into a man as he was intended gave me hope for the world. Albeit slight, he brought me hope. Hope that more people would follow their own steps into blossoming into the man (or woman) that they felt as though they were meant to be. He embraced his flaws and discovered ways to turn them into his advantages.

Also he was such a classical hopeless romantic, I loved him so much. He’d paint portraits of beautiful women he’d love to spoil and properly love. He spoke so softly and gently about women, offered his entirety to the one that would allow him, kept himself clean and graceful for himself and for them.

He taught me much about what qualities I wanted in a man. Someone full of pure genuine love and no hidden intents or malice. A man who’d see my beauty and want to praise it, not take. A man who’d be so enamored with me that he wouldn’t be able to keep himself away. Not in the way that I’d been used to.

Connie and Sasha. The bond that they shared. The laughter they kept up. The unbroken cheeriness in the face of constant adversity. That joy was everything I’ve ever wanted to have, and if they had it whilst going against a 60 meter monster hell bent on destroying them and their home, who’s to say I can’t do it despite having been torn to shreds from the inside out.

Levi. Oh Levi.

He warmed me the way a dad would. Strict, stern, unwavering and emotionless, not unlike my own, yet opposite to him in every other way. No matter how tall he felt as though he needed to stand to be taken seriously with such reverence, he showed such genuine care to his team. To Erwin, to Hange, to his partners and collaborators.

There was no longer an excuse. Stoicism is not an excuse for poor judgment and uncalled for meanness. He broke the excuse.

Behind that mask lay a beautiful man, mature and clear. Entirely fulfilling to those he loves and so tender with his touch.

I could envision him loving me. I could feel him laying me down gently, not for any sex. To massage me. To graze his fingers through my skin. To comb and brush my hair and give me little braids or styles. To put a light layer of makeup on me, only to enhance my features rather than slathering a full face on for a false sense of security. He’d be so attentive to me. Studying me to see where he could comfort and console me, and taking initiative to actually do so. He’d prepare me for any sexual encounter. He’d take his time. He’d let me take my time. He’d ask me questions and seek constant reassurance from me. He’d keep me safe. Remind me that I’m safe. Ensure that I knew that I was always ok under his grasp. And he would do this purely out of his heart. Solely because I’m the only person he had ever found any solace in. Because I allowed him the safety of letting that side of him out. As he did for me.

What Jean did to me emotionally, Levi did to me physically. He taught me how I wanted to be touched. Finally, something had taught me.

Grisha Jaeger. A terrible father to one son, and a spectacle of a father for his next.

I was the Zeke to my own father, and my siblings were four Eren’s I had to swallow down and forcibly watch receive the love I so desperately wanted.

The memories viewed within the Paths, the realizations Zeke had to undergo, all of it was just so close to home.

Understanding that your parents are just two other hurt people in this life who were failed and forced to conform to parenthood and life is one thing. I swallowed that pill long ago, logic has always been something easy for me to grasp onto.

But actually feeling it. Understanding it in your heart, not just your mind. That was something only the Jaeger family managed to do. How deeply rooted that pain from your childhood self truly is. How far it affects the rest of your life. The views you hold of the world. Of authority. Of people. I refused to see all of it until I was inadvertently forced to. Through their lens.

Grisha was a victim of his own child/livelihood. Another product of his environment and the authority that was held over him.

Nothing would ever be able to excuse his treatment of Zeke, especially when compared to how well he was able to parent Eren, but to see his actions having changed as a direct result of his previous failures, to see him realize how terrible of a husband and father he truly was, to see him accept this fact and repent. Repent endlessly for years for the family the lost, to see him actually grieve and mourn their absence and desperately wish that he could change it, ensuring that his current actions reflected what he desperately wanted to change it to

I just wanted my father to do the same.

Maybe the cycle was broken a little too late, but he broke it. He changed himself.

And in the end it made all the difference.

I don’t yet know what life has in store for me and my own dad, but if there’s a chance that I can one day receive a hug that heartfelt by my father. If there’s a chance that I can one day hear how sorry he felt for his own transgressions against me. If I can one day be told how much he loves me and genuinely feel it, I will live. Because the hurt that we’ve experienced from our familial loved ones is unjustifiable, but if the reasonings understood to have caused that behavior are, there is always something worth hoping in. Those wounds are in fact healable, and through the work, you’ll find such solace in the newfound relationship that is born.

Zeke Jaeger

Zeke

I can’t tell you how much I love you. Not in a romantic way, I don’t think it ever truly was. You are me.

You’re all of my childhood expectations. My childhood hopes and dreams. My childhood actions and repercussions.

You are all of my repressed teenage anger and angst. All of my isolated youth despite showing no open signs of it.

You are my discarded feelings. My denial. My refusal to truly understand my father, my refusal to understand and accept how it all has affected my personality and behavior towards others.

You are secretive, as I once was. You hide your insecurities and shame through a veil of a falsely mysterious and serious facade, as I once did.

You are cautious and weary. Expertly mastered how to conceal your true self, true feelings, and true intentions. Expertly mastered exactly how to speak and act to get people to like you. To respect you. Expertly mastered how to curate an existence that was entirely separate to your own, sharing your body with another entity. All as I once did.

You let yourself slip into darkness and unintentionally allowed your demons to turn your passion into hatred, hatred that scarred other people as a casualty. As happened to me.

At such a young age your experiences shaped you into a “mature” soul. Capable of everything your superiors are, capable of taking and withholding pain and pressure without a sound. As happened to me.

The constant weight of stress and pressure turned you nihilistic. As it did to me.

And despite the hurt and constant pressure, you worked so hard. You studied hard and trained diligently every single day. Preparing yourself for the life that had already been planned out for you, even if it wasn’t exactly what you wanted. You arrived to achieve these dreams and make the best of it, even if none of it was yours. As I once did.

And in the end, right before the finish line, everything was crushed. Your plan was destroyed by forces beyond your control. Your life turned into complete disarray and turmoil, all by forces beyond your control. As it happened to me.

You lost yourself completely. As I once did.

Behind all of this, behind all of the appearances and secrets, there was always the true you.

The you that was goofy and actually quite aloof. The you that was snarky and sarcastic, witty with your smarts rather than using it for pretension. The you that was as sensitive as you were afraid to accept. The one that loved so deeply and so desperately missed the childlike wonder in our eyes that was stolen from us. And that childlike wonder too, still remained. The you that yearned to find and see the good and beauty in life. The one that longed to experience it, unlike the front you adorned that was deeply afraid to.

As everything broke apart, you were forced to look at the shattered fragments and thoroughly examine them. This was your puzzle to solve, and with every piece that you picked up came new revelations. Things throughout your life that explained current behaviors and feelings. Things that you noticed you completely missed out on due to that pessimism. Colors and vibrancies that stood so tall before you that you were forced to see were left unnoticed by you, again due to that pessimism. All of those mistakes, those failures, those errors in trial, the true pain of life. All that you buried in the name of “self sufficiency”, only to be thrown directly into your face so that you could no longer ignore and deny it.

To sit with the ultimate loss. To sit with every single thing in your life taken and stripped away from you. To accept this loss and finally admit that you fumbled. That you’re gravely hurt. That you’re insufferably alone. That you are in fact real, alive, and just afraid to truly live.

All of that pain we avoided, only to see that when it’s finally brought to the light we can learn so much about ourselves. Our past selves and our present.

And once this release is formed, we’re reborn.

We look up to the sky and see the sky as we do everyday, except this time,

It’s seen.

You see the sun for the first time since you were five. You see its brightness that hurts your eyes when you gleam. You see it’s color soaring through the sky, painting the clouds as it rises and departs.

You see how beautifully the trees sway against the business of the human world. How delicately the ocean waves in accordance to the tune of the moon.

How the moon itself is a goddess. The most beautiful natural phenomena of our world. How she never ignores you. Never defies you. She looks at you directly into your eyes with her own, and they’re so tender.

You notice how the way you love animals is the way you should love yourself. The way you should love those closest to you if you can.

You realize just how connected everything is. How harmonious the vast number of cycles of life present actually are. How nothing matters and everything matters at the same time. How the world is incomprehensible large yet minuscule all at once. How you are the only certainty that exists.

We can learn the roots of all of our problems and stumble to find the solutions. We can take it day by day and learn how to change.

And as the days go by, learning turns into understanding. Stumbling turns into running. Taking it day by day turns into enjoying things day by day.

We relearn ourselves. Relearn our concept of existence. And only one thing remains constant.

And that one thing is love.

I have covered the trueness of what you give me with a false recognition of my love for you as lust. A product of what has been done to me over and over again. From childhood up until now.

I have spent years picturing us fucking from night to dawn. Picturing a healthy relationship built off of sex, one that was unfair of me to do to you.

I spent so much time meaninglessly finding solace in your body, escaping my misery through your hands and your privates. I spent so much time wondering why it was nothing more than a temporary reprieve.

It took me far too long to realize that it didn’t feel like true relief, because it wasn’t.

I had been doing to you what every man in my life up until this point has done to me. I had been repeating the cycle. Continuing the abuse of person through the use and “appreciation” of their vessel.

You are me. I am you.

When my brother put his hands to me, I lost every ounce of faith I had in a man.

And without realizing what I had been doing to you was a form of abuse in its own right, I had been punished in real life for it.

That slap in the face woke me up.

I stopped desiring sex as a whole.

I could no longer stand to picture sex, even if it was with you.

I couldn’t stand to picture what you looked like unclothed anymore.

I couldn’t stand to imagine a rowdy night with you. An unspecified scenario that led to the “greatest fuck” our lives. I couldn’t stand picturing an empty relationship that resembled nothing of either of us just because I wanted one without truly realizing what one consisted of in the first place any longer.

My hatred for men fully rising to the surface allowed me to truly exercise it from inside of me.

I no longer felt the need to scratch and pick at my skin in hopes that all that was contained within it could finally spill out.

I was still lonely. Desperately desiring the touch of another person.

But it wasn’t sex.

It finally wasn’t sex.

Sex never did anything good for me, and it absolutely was not going to cure me.

I love you so much I couldn’t stop picturing you altogether. Besides my family you were all I had. You were my best friend. You were my lover. You were my mentor. You were all I had left to hang onto.

I started imagining the real you. Imagining how you would truly see me. The real me. Not the fabricated character I would invent to try to appease you. You treated her humanely. You were playful and at times a little assholey, but you treated her like a true person. You spoke to her clearly and engaged her oddness. You were mesmerized by her vessel but that wasn’t what drove you to her. By any means. You enjoyed her presence alone. The love that vibrated through her. You enjoyed her conversation, her depth, her love, everything that she radiated and put out into the world and into you.

You made the realize that this was what I craved my entire life all along.

It wasn’t a boyfriend, it wasn’t to experience “good” sex, it wasn’t to become a different person in the name of not being “better” than me.

It was to finally be seen, no matter how uncomfortable that vulnerability felt, and to be loved unconditionally throughout all that was seen.

You were my practice. My simulation. The only person and thing that allowed me to truly lay myself completely out in the open for.

You were always me all along. And once I realized I couldn’t treat you that way anymore, I realized that I had to do the same for myself.

If I couldn’t be loved the way you would love me, or the way Jean or Levi would the way it was presented in my head, I would no longer settle.

There is no acceptance for anything less.

I have so incredibly much left to learn and heal and level up from. So much more to look forward to and experience in this life that has been so limited.

With 100% certainty, for the first time in my entire life,

I really am ready.

Thank you Hajime Isayama for creating a show that is so vibrant and so deeply woven in storyline. I loved it from a pure watching experience alone, but as a DELULU ass bitch who was genuinely stripped down to nothing, this story was a manual that I followed.

I couldn’t have asked for a better one.

Thank you for all of the tears, joyful and otherwise. Thank you for all of the lessons learned. For all of the concepts explored. For all of the feelings you have helped me release. Thank you for the dreams and the visuals. Thank you for readying me for the world in ways that everything else failed to do.

I don’t yet know if I will delete this app or not

I have zero desire to read fanfiction again, and truthfully I want it to permanently stay that way.

Regardless, some of my best memories have been made here and I appreciate those memories with all of my heart. Tumblr has been nothing but good to me, and to any of you who for whatever reason are still here on my shitty small ass account, I hope that it helps you too.

Stay safe and heal those wounds, please don’t lose yourself in the mess of the real world and the false safety of the false world

You are all very very loved and are capable of being free, only if you believe so (even if you have to force it for years on end, fake it till you make it)

I’ll probably never open this app again even if I do keep it installed, but either way if anyone sees this, I still love you fr

I’m still goofy and out of pocket and full of love and sexy and amazing y’all 😋 I’m just more serious now, and that’s so much more than ok

[toukatan]

i will never stop talking about mikasasha’s friendship— these two are and will always be best friends. mikasa was always the quiet and reserved type but sasha was that one person that opened her up— sasha bought out her playful teasing side and i’ll never not think about it. straight up their first interactions were everything

please this will never not be iconic

mikasa giving sasha cause she knows sasha loves food— instant forgiveness at its finest

and then that one time sasha asking mikasa for bread and sis just

sasha getting stuck in a life or death situation but then mikasa saves her and sasha thanks the absolute heck out of her but the first thing mikasa asks is if she’s hurt

sasha saving and protecting mikasa right back

this lives rent free in my head, look at them

they’re so close that sasha can literally just punch the heck out of mikasa and she wouldn’t even blink an eye

these two were even said to be roomates and mikasa didn’t mind sasha’s snoring. that is the most wholesome thing i’ve ever read to date.

so when you see how much sasha’s death effected mikasa, you know these two had a bond like no other. these two were each other’s ride or dies, they had each other’s backs no matter what the situation was— they’re literally everything to one another.

and it just hurts like hell seeing mikasa sit by sasha’s grave alone in the rain like this because you know sasha meant the world to her.