#mine is BEAT > begin = because > beyOnd > be mine = be free

[andrhomeda]

Lyon Pride Flag! based on the colors of OnlyOneOf undergrOund idOl 'be' series

[listen here]

[peppertaemint]

Hi, Peppertaemint! I was wondering if you wanted to talk more in depth about OnlyOneOf's Begin and Be Free music videos. It would be interesting to read your perspective on how both music videos follow a storyline, the stylistic means through which they portray the beginning of a potential relationship, but most importantly, the impact they must have on current K-Pop and its audience.

Hi Anon. Sorry it's taken me so long to answer this one. I wanted to wait until I could do it justice.

OnlyOneOf has released five music videos in the "be" series: YooJung's Begin, KB's Be Free, JunJi's Be Mine, Rie's Because, and Mill's Beat. Nine, the sixth member of OOO, has dropped the teaser for the final video in the "be" series, Bey0nd.

These videos tell stories of LGBT+ romance. The first two, Begin and Be Free, follow a couple's hookup and more than allude to the physical side of that, while Be Mine and Because take things further with a couple's ups and downs, including attraction and desire. Beat focuses on school bullying, with a student crushing on a young man who then battles the bullies with him. The teaser for Bey0nd carries on from the last, showing the new couple playing music and celebrating together.

These works are undoubtedly LGBT+, not only in the narrative portrayal but in the messages posted with the videos themselves. Begin states this clearly with the beautiful passage posted under the MV on YouTube:

Among the countless lovers in the world, there are also lovers that couldn’t be blessed. For whatever reasons. Religious reasons, things like parents’ disapproval. I dedicate this song to all those lovers that couldn’t be blessed.

Each set of MVs focuses on a couple (the members "chop and change" to create different couples) and a stage in their relationship. Flirting, getting acquainted, intimacy, conflict, reunion, etc. Begin and Be Free focus on desire and a sense of the erotic in romance. I particularly like the fish tank scene that is reminiscent of the intoxicating party scene in Baz Lurhmann's Romeo+Juliet. Be Mine and Because are bolder, if less stylistically interesting, as they depict kisses and other physical encounters between their couple, including an underwater kiss. If we compare these to Holland's MVs, which were marked as "adult only" because of same-sex romantic content, OOO's videos are less raw and gritty and much more wholesome, constituting a kind of K-drama-esque homo-romance.

If I squint, I'm reminded of Jungkook and Jimin in the Dynamite Holiday Remix video, acting as the "Christmas couple" away from the other members. But there's one glaring difference here—homo-romance is not subtext for OnlyOneOf. It's the whole of the text and the message of the work.

When OOO released homoerotic/romantic work previously, many cried "queerbaiting" despite many of us pointing out how these videos weren't queerbaiting—they were LGBT+ stories being told with elements of eroticism and romance. What I notice now is how much warmer the response is. I think this has something to do with the theme being consistent so people understand it's not a stunt for views, but I also think it's because the erotic elements are lessened. Sadly, people still have strong, negative reactions to eroticism, especially if it's LGBT+. The history of fan service is partly a reason for this, though I still think fan service needs to be revisited and recontextualized (that's an opinion for a different day).

Nonetheless, I think these videos show how the young SK generation's attitude toward LGBT+ contrasts with older generations' attitudes. Polls show there is quite a difference in support for LGBT+ rights between generations, and I think the fact we're seeing more openly positive LGBT+ content coming out in SK is a product of this.

It will be interesting to watch their trajectory over the coming years. K-pop is less popular in SK right now than it used to be, judging by comments from the general public, and the music industry in general is seeing the "silo-ing" of artists, meaning it's much harder for artists to become known and followed by many because styles and genres have become niche by default. Audiences have almost infinite choices in terms of who they follow and listen to, so much like we see on social media, fandoms are becoming their own complete subcultures where values and ideas are reinforced instead of challenged. And I mention this to say that although I'm sure OOO are having a positive impact on LGBT+ youth and artists in SK, the East, and beyond, I'm not sure just how wide the impact is given that we can now easily ignore what is outside of our sphere, culturally speaking.

Countering this, I'm reminded how important music shows like Inkigayo and Mnet are because they put this content in the living rooms of a diverse set of people. And that is one way older generations can be reached.

[furicookiebndz]

Lucifer x !FemReader : My old friend

Hello everyone, it is my first time writing this, i hope it will be good enough, have fun! This fan art isn't mine. Full credits to the amazingly talented artist/creator.

It has been thousands of years since evil began.

Lucifer, whose pride blinded him, attempted to dethrone the creator, only to ultimately fail and be banished from Paradise.

Lilith, who refused to submit to Adam, in turn fled from this magical place, but which hides many facades.

Yet few people know that with them, a third person flew out of Paradise. And even rarer are people who know the cause, 3 to be precise.

However, behind this unusual act lie very dark secrets, seen as…

-Can you stop, Vag'? You're giving me a headache.

The young woman turned her head towards the source of this execrable voice, a spider who was visibly lying carefree on the sofa, arms behind her head, a bored expression on her face.

Refraining from answering him, she continued:

Tragic, some thought it was another rebellious woman, others a fallen angel because of a serious crime, but that wasn't logical, what's worse than to confront the creator?"

-That doesn't help all of us, the young woman noted, running her hand through her hair, frustrated.

-It would be beneficial to have her on our side, especially if she has such a significant influence on the world of the living and beyond, Charlie concluded thoughtfully.

-But she hid from the world, living as a hermit. Many think it's a myth, but given what's been happening lately, I believe it's much more present than sinners think.

Vaggie rubbed her temples, trying to come up with an idea.

-Who the hell are you talking about? I hate it when you pretend to be Sherlock and leave me like the old cookie in the back of the cupboard.

-Are you interested in what we do? retorted Vaggie sarcastically

-No, more about why you were busting my balls, joked Angel.

-You don't even have one, asshole, mumbled quietly Husk, taking a sip of his cheap booze.

-Want to check~? It is free for you kitty cat.

-Not even for a thousand balls, growled quietly Husk, who was beginning to lose his patient.

-Ouuh finally a price there is progress, Daddy, the spider sent him a kiss

Alastor, who was reading a book by the fireplace, decided to speak

-Charlie, Darling, you seem concerned about this person Let me see…

He seemed surprised for a moment, before smiling more, if possible.

-My my, what a terrible coincidence. The person you are looking for is one of the most sought after. Didn't Lucifer tell you about Lady (Y/N)?

-Um… We're not exactly talking about all that-

“Daddy issues,” Husk muttered.

Alastor continued:

-As reported in this document, she flew away shortly after your parents. She was a person living in Heaven, she was not human, but not an angel entirely though, she had two pairs of wings, although she is the appearance of a mortal, yet she had her own power, not to be underestimated. She embodied humor, justice and determination. In short, all these things that are way too boring-

-Cut it short, Alastor, Vaggie said, snapping her fingers.

-But when Lucifer challenged God, she did not follow him, not because she had to beat him, but because he knew just as well as she did that what he was doing was wrong. For the first time in her life she felt an immense disappointment in the love he had once inspired in her, and the semblance of a relationship that was perhaps tending to end disappeared with the appearance of the first demon, your father, Charlie.

However, you are aware that shortly after the creation of Lilith, she quickly became friends with your mother, and when she flew away from Paradise, and she learned the cause, she entered in a black anger, so black that Gabriel had difficulty in containing it, Until then, she had always been obedient, never contesting the decisions, which were of infallible Justice, but this departure had torn away part of her herself. She confronted the lord, she tried to rally the others to her cause, but nothing changed. Disappointed, she left that place, and no one ever saw her again.

There was a heavy silence for a moment, before Angel said:

-So…Is she still a virgin?

Vaggie rolled her eyes before Charlie had an idea:

I'm sure she's not that far away. Maybe I should ask my father to contact her again. She must care about him, at least I hope so, and if I convince her, Gabriel won't be able to object!

Vaggie refrained from adding a comment, she knew it was too good to be able to do it, but in front of her girlfriend's adorable face, she couldn't refuse anything.

______________________________________________________________

-No, Lucifer said firmly, before Charlie could even finish his idea.

-But dad-

-End of discussion, I don't want to hear anything, he turned around and mechanically squeezed the rubber duck in his hand, like an anti-stress ball.

Lucifer seemed elsewhere, deep in thought. His friend, his old friend…

.

.

.

“Luciferrrrr!” A burst of joy appeared as she walked towards him, a smile on her lips, a book in her hands.

Lucifer as usual had a lyre in his hands. He looked up at Y/N and smiled.

One discussion led to another, he shared his ideas about the mortal world, while she agreed with some and shared her opinion on others. They would sometimes just stay silent, or she would read aloud from a book, and he would then accompany her with his lyre.

Such a beautiful memory…

.

.

.

Why Lucifer?! Why did you do this?

This same friend was there with her eyes filled with tears, disappointed in him.

Lucifer looked down. One mistake, just one mistake, had caused him to lose those he considered family, and his closest friend.

He wanted to tell her that it was just a misunderstanding, that it was for the best, but the damage was already done.

He took Lilith's hand and without a word, left for their new home.

The young woman, in tears, could only watch them leave, the man she loved and her friend, without being able to do anything, because her principles prevented her. Gabriel placed a comforting hand on her shoulder, and said nothing. If she knew, he couldn't imagine how she would have reacted

.

.

.

-Dad?

Lucifer seemed to come out of his thoughts and focused on a family portrait. Lilith was already gone, after their separation he only had his daughter left, and after a second of thought he sighed and said:

-I'll see what I can do…

-It's true? Oh thank you Dad, thank you thank you thank you!, cried Charlie enthusiastically.

She took him in her arms, and Lucifer said to himself that finally, if having a hug from his daughter meant having to seek the 7 rings of Hell and even the beyond, he would do it without complaining.

Now all that remained was to find it, the most complicated part…

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Lucifer, Charlie and the hotel members thought for several days, using all their knowledge and powers to find her. If she was neither in Hell, nor in Heaven, or even in the mortal world, she must be between the latter options-

Lucifer suddenly had an idea, remembering a conversation they had shared long ago, and he cast an incantation, which opened a portal to a world- no, a unique place, so messy and blurry, and yet so… familiar, as if he were…

“In the middle of a dream,” Charlie whispered softly. The rest of the team followed her, looking around curiously. Lucifer asked himself so many questions, was it a place where souls rested between life and death? He did not know it. After all, the soul left the body for a while when it slept, that would explain the place.

-Who are you? I sense human souls, but something else…

They saw several women advancing, of great beauty, similar to fairies, but armed, ready to defend themselves, if it was not for another who stopped them by raising her hand, she advanced slowly, and Lucifer recognized her completely. right now.

-(Y/N)..Lucifer seemed upset to see her, and tried to pull himself together by talking to himself. "Ok, Ok. It's going to be okay buddy, you can do it, you can do it", When he met her gaze, he lost all his courage and hid behind Charlie.

-Dad!

-What? I-I'm just covering your back Charlie.

-At least what I thought of you is true, you're just a sissy Lucifer, Alastor sneered.

You looked at him for a moment, the man you had loved for thousands of years, it was..strange. You didn't know whether you should greet him or hit him.

-Lucifer, what is the honor of this visit worth to me? In 10,000 years you have never had the decency to come visit me.

Sarcasm. Something unusual about you, he couldn't help but admire you. Your two pairs of wings were now grey, but your eyes were still this soft (e/c) shade, but now full of resentment, and perhaps.. mockery?

-And you, you must be his daughter, mhh?

You moved closer to her and observed her suspiciously, while she was sweating profusely, and Vaggie seemed on the edge on attacking you, and to her surprise, you smiled widely and took her in your arms, with surprising strength.

-My lord you are his carbon copy, so pretty~, you squish her cheek cheeks and gush about her, while she laughs awkwardly.

Everyone was stunned by how fast the tension dissipates, and the women behind you giggle, seemingly aware by how fast your emotions tend to change. Lucifer smiles, maybe he still had a chance..

-But you seem so polite, unlike some, you cast a dark look at Lucifer, and greeted the others with a sympathetic and curious look, their offering to sit down for a while to talk.

...maybe not finally.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

-If I understood everything, you created a hotel to rehabilitate sinners… and are trying to convince Heaven, is that right?

She nodded and Lucifer tried to add something, but you stopped him:

-I don't speak with traitors and liars, especially if they forget to send me a life message for eons.

Lucifer doesn't say anything wanting to make anything worse. He knew he was wrong, and sighed heavily.

(Y/N)-1 Lucifer-0.

-Damn, this girl is awesome, Angel whispered excitedly.

Vaggie continued:

-Lady (Y/N), you still have decent relationship with heaven.Could you try talking to some highers-up about it? Like Gabrie-

-No, this thing is no longer part of my circle of close friends, I can still try to talk about it again with Sera and Emily, but I can't do anything with the other weirdo.

Charlie felt hopeless, and she took your hands and looked at you with a miserable expression.

-I beg you, you must speak to him, my people are dying every year at the hands of the exorcists, and I-I cannot stand by and do nothing. Can you try..?

At his beaten puppy look, you widened your eyes, it was exactly-

Please don't tell them where I was, Lucifer pleaded with adorable eyes. You sighed but smiled, nodding your head.

-Well, i will. But I'm not promising anything though-

-Thank you thank you thank you, she hugged you, and you hugged her back with a smile.

Lucifer felt his heart beat faster, these two women who are precious to him have finally met, and got along better than he expected.

Now all he had to do was sort out one last problem.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

Explanations were made. You listened patiently, and after a while you answered:

-Why Lucifer, didn't you tell me before? I-I thought I was your friend.

Lucifer held her gaze, and for the first time in millennia he took his courage in both hands and took hers:

-I didn't want to see your disappointed look, I know I made a mistake, but I only thought about doing the right thing. And I-

-You got scared?

He nodded, and you sighed:

-I don't blame you, at least not anymore.

He raised his eyes, feeling a bit of hope, and feeling Charlie's encouraging look, he continued:

-So, can we try again? I mean our relationship- Well our friendship!

He blushed slightly and you chuckled softly:

-Yes, always Lucifer.

[fartcushion]

Lockdown Bubble - Part 3

For the rest of the weekend we hung out on the sofa, watching TV with the occasional hook up when the mood came over Antony. I was even made to come one of those times, but the rest were Antony focused even though he seemed to have forgotten the conversation he had the morning before and just focused on blow jobs. He only farted absent mindedly and didn't comment on them. Although it would often be as he sat next to me, which meant I still had to endure their foul odour.

That night when we went to bed though, Antony was after more. "You've been so good this weekend, I really can't complain about having a whore on call. That mouth of yours". He leant forward and kissed me hard. His hands reached round and grabbed my ass, "but now I want this".

My heart started to beat faster. We hadn't had full sex yet and I was nervous about it. Antony was much more experienced, where as I'd only done it a couple of times and that was years ago. "Oh, yeh, great...but please, go slow..."

"Go slow, I've waited two days!" Antony jokingly mocked but before I could speak he kissed me again. "Of course I will".

He started to take my clothes off. I reached to take off his t-shirt but he pushed my hands away, "Not yet. I want to see you strip first". I felt my cheeks blush as I kicked off my socks and wriggled out of the jeans. It left me stood there in a tight pair of Aussiebum briefs, he leant back and took me in and made the spin gesture with his finger. I span around, feeling a bit silly, but was complimented by the noises of approval Antony made. I bent over and took off the briefs and was about to toss them aside when he reached out and took them. He held them to his nose and had a big sniff.

"Aw, they smell clean. After time around my junk and ass mine won't smell like this", and with that he started to strip. As he took off his shirt revealing the beefy body, he pushed my head to his belly. "Mmm, worship me, boy"

I kissed his stomach and licked around the nipples to his moans of delight. He then pushed down so I was sitting on the bed while he carried on stripping. As he pulled his trousers off I saw he was still wearing the same boxers he'd been wearing since I'd arrived two days ago. I hadn't noticed since I'd seen them at breakfast yesterday, as either we'd stripped so quickly or Antony had just pulled his cock out through his jeans fly.

"They're not the same boxers you've had on all weekend?"

Antony looked annoyed. At being called out, or for being interrupted, I wasn't sure. "What? I've not been anywhere. Besides, I just said mine wouldn't smell good. Days of me lounging around, they'll have absorbed all that sweat, every drop of piss that I didn't fully shake off, and any left over cum that dribbled out." He must have seen my look of revulsion because he smiled and grabbed my head, pulling my face in to his bulge.

"That's it. Sniff that crotch. Can you smell it". He pushed my head down and lifted his foot up to the bed to give me access. "Smell my balls, faggot".

I tried to pull away. The smell was rancid. A couple of days without showering was one thing, but this was beyond that! Antony worked from home so who knew when they'd actually been last changed!

"Come on, take a big sniff and I'll let you go. I want to hear you enjoy my stink"

As I couldn't break free of his grip, and my neck was being awkwardly pulled down to get up in Antony's ball and taint area, I felt desperation beginning to take over.

*sniff* *sniff*

"Oh that's not nearly enough! Come on, pig, a big long sniff"

"Come on, I did it! Let me go". I pleaded. But it fell on deaf ears. Annoyed at not getting what he wanted right away, Antony decided to punish me. He pulled my head out but held on tight. Dropping his leg and spinning round in one smooth action, I wasn't prepared when my face was slammed into his ass. Straight between the cheeks. Only having an instant to see the patch of sweat that ran up the crack line.

"Now you can appreciate the back of them instead. I was going easy on you. But now it's the days worth of farts, and sweat from my swamp ass". Antony had a nice big ass, but from here it looked and felt massive. My face was wedged in and I could barely see past the the big fat cheeks to Antony's face looking back at me.

The smell was so much worse. It smelt like an uncleaned toilet. I tried to get a bit of space to get fresh air, but I was held still.

"Three big sniffs! One for implying I'm a slob. A second for making me take time away from fucking that ass to punish you. Finally a long third one, so I know how much you love my smell."

I had to get out. Each breath was an assault, and my nose hurt from being slammed against his ass.

*SSSNNNIIIFFF*

*SSSNNNIIIFFF*

I had to pause, it was making me feel sick.

"Only two? This how you say you don't like my smell?!" I can't have a slave that doesn't worship every thing about me. Now a big long sniff of my ass, one last time, and when you're done say thank you!"

I bracesd myself. Until now I'd been taking shallow breaths to stay conscious but now my lungs needed oxygen. One more was all it'd take to be freed.

*SSSSSNNNNNIII-

*PPPPRRRRRRBBBBBRRRR*

-IIFFFFF*

Antony had prepared a huge fart for the third sniff. As soon as he heard his victim taking that breath he pushed with all his might. He burst out laughing as I flailed desperately trying to pull back, yanking at his wrist that held my head.

I had been halfway through the sniff when I felt it. A rush of wind followed by the stink of an open sewer. I could feel it's warmth on my face. I could feel sick starting to come up my throat and had to swallow frantically. I felt the hold loosen enough for fresh air to get in and let me speak.

"Oh god that's horrible. Let me up!"

"I want to hear the thank you first"

"Thank you!"

"Thanks for what?"

"Thank you for letting me smell your stink!"

Antony let go and turned back round. His cock was erect and poking out above the waistline. As he took off the boxers I filled my lungs with the cleaner - for the fart still lingered in the room - air. "Your farts are disgusting. That was disgusting!"

His face darkened. His cock was harder than I had ever seen it. Standing fully erect, throbbing and veiny. He pushed me down whilst spinning me round so I was lying face down. Bent over the bed with my ass exposed and ready.

"How dare you speak to me like that! I know what you faggots are for, and it's to worship me. Pig out on what I give you. And be a fucking cum slut"

He pulled my hair to lift my face off the bed and, as I cried out in pain, stuffed his boxers in my mouth. I could taste the sweat, and prayed I was tasting the front and not the fart covered back. Before I could spit them out my face was slammed back down.

Antony teased my hole with his finger and started to probe inside. He spit on the hole and worked the saliva in. I grimaced and tried to relax for what came next, I could feel his hard fat cock pressing against me. I moaned in pleasure as he continued to finger me, adding another finger as he went. He spat in his other hand and rubbed it over his cock, then pulled his fingers out and spat on my hole again. This time he used the pale head to push it in. He fell forward and used his weight to force his way inside of me. There was excruciating pain and I bit down hard on the boxers and let out a muffled cry.

Antony paused to let me adapt to the sensation and I prayed that it was all in and I could just lie there and take a quick fuck. But as Antony reached and pinned my arms to the bed I realised it wasn't. He thrust hard and I felt it hit deep inside, sending more pain through my body. I tried to breath through the pain but just got more of the smell of Antony's boxers and a taste of the salty sweat and tangy piss that soaked them.

He ploughed away without any concern, holding me down and grunting.

"That's it bitch. This is what you wanted. Begging to my bubble, so I'd fuck this bubble butt. Any bottom would beg to take this cock and not give me any lip" he fucked more aggressively as he reminded me of all my insubordination.

"Like my boxers now? You're going to learn to love my smells. Be a good pig for me, or I'll find a faggot who will and you can go back to your lonely flat!"

I moaned and moaned. Anthony was hitting the spot, but it was all too hard. I tried to listen to what was being said but the pain was so intense, I had to focus on relaxing best I could. I managed to hear, "Well, do you like how my boxers smell now?!"; and, not wanting to cause any more aggression, nodded. I made big show of lifting my head and burying my face in the part still outside my mouth.

"Oh fuck! There's my pig boy. Sniff them up. I'll make more for you don't worry". This seemed to satisfy Antony who went quiet and focused on fucking. Shortly after my arms were released as Anthony grabbed my hips and pulled himself as far in as he could get as he made his final thrusts. He exploded inside me then just lay down, letting his bulk fall on me, his cock softening in my ass, panting in my ears as he caught his breath.

"Oh that was what I needed. Did you enjoy that?". I nodded. He pulled out and lay on his back. "You can take these out now." And he pulled the boxers out of my mouth, then threw them to the floor.

"That was... intense." I managed to get out. "I...er....better just deal with this" and gestured to my open hole that was oozing cum, rushing off to the bathroom. I sat on the toilet lost in thought. That had been scary, but Antony had said he liked powerplay maybe that was what it was. I could just discuss it with him and we'd find what we both liked. I was sure of it. No need to end it now on a misunderstanding. I finished up and went back to the bedroom, and found Antony had fallen asleep. 'Oh well' I thought, 'I'll mention it in the morning'. Besides, how much worse could it get than that fart to the face?

[fleet-of-fiction]

Jake Kiszka x Narrator & Sam Kiszka x OC.

Chapter Four

Summary: The Jones Family are new additions to the sleepy community of Beech Run. A tight knit scattering of rural houses, where everyone knows everyone. Deeply religious and overbearingly strict, the daughters of the family are kept under lock & key by a fanatical Father and submissive Mother. They watch from bedroom windows as their neighbours, The Kiszkas, draw intense curiosity and desire to be free. Madness of youth , hope & obsession collide to bring the danger of forbidden love to poetic ends. (Era A/U)

Warnings: Religious/ Parental trauma. Penetrative p/v sex. Dom/Sub dynamics. Ass play. Oral F/Receiving.

Winter 1985 (Flash forward)

Jake was gone; to begin with. The absence of him echoed all around. Like the vapours of his breath still lingered in the mist, just waiting to be breathed in.

It had been ten days since I last saw him. Standing on the edge of the street where all the Christmas lights twinkled an array of colours I couldn't feel anymore. The rot had set in.

And I'd watched him go. Without a rope to tie around his neck, or mine. Because using it to tether him to me hadn't worked. It was seamless how he disappeared into the density of the encroaching fog. Those reds, greens and blues that ran along the neighbouring windows fading alongside him.

I didn't know quite how profound the loss would be until I realised it was infinite. And suddenly I understood why poets were driven mad.

"Bonnie?"

The rain was lashing against the windscreen. I hadn't noticed. All I could see was the swirls of grey and white of that night he had walked into the road. Forever locked in that moment, never stepping out of it even as I traversed the present moment.

"Yeah?" I replied, turning my head to look at a pair of eyes so painfully similar to his that I couldn't stare for too long.

"We're here." Sam informed me, gesturing towards the blurred image of the church beyond the rainy glass.

I looked down at my hands. Balled up in my lap like I was wringing out a damp cloth.

"I can't do it." I shook my head, adamant that I was going to let roots begin to grow beneath where I sat before I ever got out of the car.

The warmth of a hand on my shoulder snaked over the curve of it from the seat behind me. And the tenderness of it made the tears begin to flow once more.

"Come on." Jolene soothed, "Be strong today, and I promise you can fall apart tomorrow."

~

Summer 1984

Jakes house smelled like beer and fabric softener. There were empty bottles strewn across the kitchen work tops and half eaten bags of chips sitting on the table. He immediately scrambled to try and make the place look more presentable as he opened the door for me.

I was endeared by it. But too tired to really care if the place was tidy or not.

"My Dad." He explained, sliding his arm across the counter in an attempt to gather all the empties into the trash can. "He usually has some buddies around to play poker and jam a little once a week. My Mom usually makes him clear the mess up, I guess he forgot tonight."

None of it felt real. Not the words exchanged in the hospital room or the way my little sister had clung to life with her eyes closed, none the wiser to the heated exchange. I could feel the coil around me tighten, a fear that I had done the wrong thing starting to choke me.

"It's fine, Jake. Really." I assured him, feeling the tears come.

He dropped the trash can and bounded across the kitchen, reaching me in one single heart beat. Fingers wrapping around my shirt, pulling me into his circle. The rush of comfort was overwhelming, doing nothing to stem the flood that was building. But it didn't feel quite so futile once I pressed my face into the curve of his neck.

"Hey, hey..." He soothed, "Everything will be alright, you know that?"

Whatever it meant to have walked this path, I couldn't go back. I'd had a taste of defiance and it had gone down like nectar. Sweet and alluring, with none of the bitterness I'd expected. And although I had a moment of doubt, the moment Jake held me it dissipated into nothing.

"Not yet, I don't." I sighed, letting the damp spot I'd made on his shirt seep onto his skin.

"Yes you do." He replied, noticing what I'd done and pulling the shirt completely off. "You being here means that you do."

The wall clock was ticking. The gentle buzz of the refrigerator sounded out over the silent house. It was strange to hear these familiar sounds in a place that was completely new to me. It didn't feel like home, but I didn't feel homesick for anywhere else either.

"It's been a long night. We can sleep on the pull out in the garage, I don't want you to have to deal with Josh's sleep talking in my room." He said, lining up my expectations like he always did.

"I don't care where we sleep." I shrugged, taking the shirt he'd dumped on the back of a chair and straightening it out absently as if my hands needed something to do.

He noticed.

"You're restless." He surmised, taking my hands into his and wrapping them around his waist. "Maybe we won't sleep, then."

"I couldn't." I confessed. "I keep replaying the sight of her laying in that hospital bed, helpless. And all my Dad cared about was making sure I knew he thought me a whore."

A smug little grin began to dance across Jakes lips.

"A whore?" He chuckled. "I have never given you a dime, how much do I owe you?"

His softness had me melting into it. In the face of my misery, he smiled and brought me into a light no God could ever provide. The sweetness of his love all the payment I'd ever need for the things he took such delight in from me.

"Forever." I replied, "You owe me forever."

The gentle nudge of the tip of his nose turned my cheek.

"Forever it is, then." He replied, nuzzling into a kiss that was slow and delicate.

I liked his house. The way it felt lived in. I could feel the love in the walls, the intimation of welcome and the chaos. I wondered how it could be that such love manifested under a roof so close to one that could scarcely keep the warmth in.

"I think this is what God meant when he talked about love." I whispered, letting him guide me through the house towards the door that opened up into the garage.

Jake was unapologetically shirtless. The base of his spine sitting above his belt, two little dimples that seemed to wink as he walked. Every fibre of him appealed to me, as if he'd been placed at my doorstep to adore.

"Don't worry about God." He mused, pushing open the door to reveal a cool breeze coming in from the drafty expanse ahead. "We make our own luck, our own destiny. We make our own love."

I felt as if I should have been exhausted. But being in this cavern of wonders always took me back to the night he took my virginity. I couldn't step into it without being reminded of the beauty of it, the way he'd been so gentle and calm.

I wasn't a virgin anymore. Any semblance of innocence I had given to him, willingly. I knew the softness of a man's touch and the aggressive streak that could come with heightened arousal. I knew that look in his eye when he wanted my body more than my soul. Things a girl could never understand.

"Fuck me, Jake."

I wanted it. Not to take the pain away, or numb the doubts racing through my mind. But simply because I wanted it. I wanted the rough and the smooth of his body against mine. The rush of blood to his penis, to feel the veins pulse at my touch.

I wanted the power. The femininity of it, to know he ordained himself to me. For the longest time I'd lived under a rule that was not my own. I governed myself now, my mind and my body.

"How would you like to be fucked?" He asked, pulling out the bed whilst keeping his eyes on me.

I could have been shy about it. I could have said it didn't matter, that he could fuck me however he pleased. But it wouldn't have satisfied me.

"Like the whore my Father thinks I am." I replied, without shame.

His hands were already at his belt. Loosening the buckle. Pulling it out of the loops swiftly.

"You'd better take off that dress and get on all fours, then." He instructed, matter-of-factly, as if I hadn't just said the most debauched thing to ever escape my lips.

The immediate flood was inspiring. He was so sure of himself, so certain of his ability to arouse me. Sometimes I forgot that I instilled that same heat within him. And so I did as I was told, letting my clothes fall to the ground as I crawled onto the bed.

I heard the unmistakable thud of his jeans as he kicked them off. The waistband of his boxer shorts as he slid them down high thighs. Soon his hands were at my hips, positioning me at the very edge of the bed with my toes almost peering over the precipice.

"Like a whore." He repeated, sinking to his knees. "I wouldn't fuck a whore like I loved her."

I had known his love and it was powerful. But so too was his propensity to make me feel like the most desired creature on earth. It carved out an obsession within me that had caused a ripple throughout my whole life. I simply wasn't the same girl I'd been at the start of summer.

"Then don't." I said flatly, "Just for once, don't love me..."

The way he didn't hesitate, the way he didn't even verbalise it. He understood what I needed without fixating on the how or the why. I closed my eyes as he spat on my cunt, rubbing his saliva into my submissive clit as he positioned himself.

He loved me so much he would do this for me. The sacrifice was not lost upon me. Part of me wondered if he had been waiting for me to submerge myself beneath the dark waters trying to drown me. If all along he'd wondered if the virgin would go rogue.

"The pastor's daughter has finally listened to the devil." He uttered, through gritted teeth, leaning in to my pussy like it was a water fountain, curving his mouth into the slit like it was about to satiate his thirst.

"He speaks to me every day." I reiterated, my voice trembling on the tongue that sliced into my entrance.

He trailed it upwards, licking a clean stripe from my pussy into the valley of my ass. And there he set to work, chasing all the choirs of angels that had ever sung to me. They flew skyward out of my mouth as I let out an agonized cry of pleasure.

He ate like a man starved. Like a man who had never set his tongue to speak, let alone venture into the parts of my body that never knew it could feel so good to be lashed.

"You know I love you." He breathed, his words strained on the way he swallowed.

"I know." I replied, almost in whisper.

"Good." He murmured, railing his tongue against my swollen lips. "Because for the next five minutes it's going to feel like I don't."

I was immediately drawn to the paint peeling on the brick wall. I was never really sure why my eyes zeroed in on it. Perhaps because my other senses were overwhelmed. I just needed something to tether me to this plane of existence. To feel as if any of it was real.

I stared at that white speck of flayed paint as my body convulsed. Jake, like he had lost his damned mind, sucked my pussy lips into his mouth and the devilish sound that it made turned my cheeks crimson.

And then, without any warning, I felt it. The curious finger that opened me up, a delicious new venture to take my mind away from itself. And I closed my eyes against it, not even able to tether myself to the wall.

My pussy, feeling the void of his touch, pined as he gently probed inside that other begging place. Filling it, exploring it. And I didn't have any way to fight it, least of all when he slammed his cock into that neglected hole. Fingers edging further into my ass, his hard beast giving me exactly what I had asked for in my pussy and my mind on the verge of euphoria as I forgot even the first syllable of my own name.

He was wrong. He'd never been more wrong. As he heaved and pounded, delicious strokes that hit me deep and hard I'd never felt more loved. My entire body pulsed with the magnitude of each thrust. My vulnerability laid bare, like he'd seen the heart of me since the very first time we'd caught each other's eye.

I wanted to touch him so badly, so maddeningly. But it drove me wild how easily he could take control and I would submit. Despite my shallow breaths, a gasp still managed to find it's way to my lips as he pulled out of my ass, swirling that same finger around the hole before stroking it with the pad of his thumb.

Everything I had come to know about sex was at Jake's teaching. Even this. This moment of sheer abandon, forceful indulgence in something I had clearly needed for so long but hadn't known what it was that would cure me of this melancholy.

I was nearing the point of thoughtlessness when I heard his whisper. His body leaned into the curve of my spine, his stomach nestled against me as his hand pulled back my sweat drenched hair. Cock held deep inside, his lips at the shell of my ear.

"Whore..."

There it was. Every single facet of my soul lingering in the ether between us. Getting fucked, getting my pussy so unashamedly pounded I felt nothing but pride. In Jake, in myself. There was nothing outside of it, nothing outside that one word that I had now reclaimed.

"Hail Mary, full of grace..." I recited, my voice barely audible over the stream of moans. "The Lord is with thee..."

"That's it little whore, pray..." Jake encouraged, wrapping my hair around his fist.

"Blessed art thou among....uhh...women..." I choked, feeling my head reel back as he pulled. "And blessed is the...oh, fuck...fruit of thy womb..."

He fucked harder, faster. Keeping my body aligned with him by pulling my hair.

"Tell him." He urged, "Tell your God who you belong to now."

My brain completely shut off from the inhibited parts that would scream at me to be decent, to have the kind of sex that God would approve of. There was nothing but the throbbing girth and savage onslaught of Jake fucking me left to commit myself to.

"Holy Mary, Mother of God..." I breathed, my mouth unforgivingly dry. "Pray for us sinners...now...and in the hour...fuck...in the hour of...fuck......"

"Our Death..." Jake completed for me, sending me into an orbit that was higher than any heaven could hope to be.

Had it only been five minutes? Every muscle and sinew ached, every nerve ending a blaze. My cunt was soft and wet, filled with his cum and the moisture of mine. My hair follicles stung, raw from the pull. I felt Jakes body slide against mine, sweaty and spent. The violence of his furious assault in the flush of our flesh.

I'd never felt more at peace.

"You want me to fuck you like that again, my death might be a real concern." He sighed, falling onto his back as I tried to regain my composure.

I'd never seen him look so absolutely ruined. The sweat and the rose in his cheeks making him look decidedly demonic. The dilation of his pupils made his eyes look pitch black in the almost darkness. He was my satan, my sinful reason to renounce all that I had ever known.

"But what a death." I replied, trailing a palm down my wet breasts, feeling my skin pricked with sweat. "And when you're entering the gates of hell you'll have sweet memories to keep you company."

"Hell can only exist if you believe in it." He said morosely, pulling me down into the clammy circle of his arms. "And after tonight, I've got a feeling you'll be less inclined to worry about ending up in eternal hell fire."

My cheek was sticking to his chest. But I didn't care. I let my skin absorb into his. Running my finger up his stomach, catching the little drenched hairs below his belly button.

"I don't care." I didn't know it until I said the words out loud. "All I want to do is make sure Jolene gets better, and make sure she never goes back to that life."

I had no concept of the time as I opened my eyes. I could feel the heat of the afternoon burning behind the garage door, though. A beam of yellow light framing the steel door. I sat up on the pull out bed, wrapped in blankets as if I'd been tucked in as I slept.

My dress was still draped on the arm of the chair opposite, everything left as it had been the night before. The only thing missing was Jake, his muffled voice carrying down from the house above.

I dressed in haste and found myself feeling a little nervous as I climbed the stairs towards the kitchen. Voices falling to silence as I turned the door handle.

I could feel the atmosphere thicken as I walked in. Jake was standing by the island, his palms flat on the counter and his head bowed. As if he'd been engaged in a conversation that brought him no joy. His Mother was standing at the hob, stirring a pot of something that smelled delicious. Her faded smile awkwardly returning as she caught sight of me.

Josh and Sam were sitting at the table devouring a plate of pancakes, their sister idly reading a book with her feet up on the chair next to her, barely noticing my entrance.

"Sit down, dear." Karen offered, "There's pancakes on the table and I'm making some porridge if you prefer."

The kitchen was still littered with the night before, empty beer cans and chip bags. But nobody seemed to care, and it made me feel more at home. Despite the lull in conversation as I took a seat around the table, I had hope that it was because nobody had expected me to be there.

Sam, still chewing his food, smiled.

"Do you think it'd be ok if I went to see Jolene in the hospital?" He asked, shoving an empty plate towards me.

"Sweetie, we talked about this." Karen said, pointing her wooden spoon at him. "I don't think Mr. Jones would appreciate that."

Perhaps I should have interjected. I could feel Jakes eyes on me, waiting for me to agree or disagree. Ronnie looked up over the lip of her book, and Josh offered me the syrup.

"You don't have to walk on eggshells." I ventured, "I don't have anything to say about my Father that will be positive."

"I already told you." Jake sniffed, "She doesn't want to go back there."

Karen shot her son a knowing look, one that I couldn't be a part of. But I understood the meaning of it. She would protect her flock from the bullshit my family posed, but she would welcome me regardless of it. Whatever it meant, she had to trust that her son had everything under control.

A part of me doubted that she held that much trust in her youngest son. I didn't know why, but I'd seen the careless nature in Sam. His propensity for letting himself run away with frivilous ideas. This and Jolene's chaos was a deadly combination.

"You're welcome to stay here as long as you need." Karen offered, putting a bowl of thick and gloopy porridge in front of me.

She sprinkled it with some fruit and looked pleased with herself. The sort of Mother I'd never known. Suddenly I was ravenous and began spooning the mixture into my mouth like I hadn't eaten in days. Maybe I hadn't?

"Don't they feed you over there?" Josh asked, amused by me.

Jake railed his palm against the back of Josh's head, ruffling his curls.

"I know you're joking, but be fucking nice!" He warned, pushing Ronnie's feet off the only empty chair before taking it.

"I am being nice!" Josh replied, shrugging in surprise. "Sorry, Bonnie."

I shook my head. It didn't matter. Sam was still waiting for me to say something to his request. As if what Karen had said didn't answer the question for him.

"So, what do you think?" He continued, "About me being able to go up to the hospital?"

I was still chewing on the blueberries popping against my tongue as I sluiced the porridge around my mouth. Savouring the taste. Wondering if breakfast was always this delicious, or did everything just taste better now that I was free?

I was still formulating an answer when the doorbell went. The ring of it making everyone exchange this strange look of wonder. Perhaps their doorbell was so seldomly pressed it came as a surprise that someone was at the door. It struck me that the Kiszka house was an open door policy. Anyone that knew them well enough to have occasion to visit simply stepped inside.

"I'll get it." Jake said, after realising nobody else would.

It didn't take long for me to hear the voice my brother used when he was trying to be polite, but it was nothing more than a facade to the way he really felt. I could hear the clipped tone, the words appropriate enough but I could imagine his smug little face.

I shot up from the table. Determined to make this problem go away. Feeling as if I owed no more bullshit on their doorstep.

"What do you want, Ben?" I asked, letting Jake step aside as I approached the door.

He didn't look smug at all. There was this pained look in this eyes that I'd never seen before. Like he hadn't slept. His shirt wasn't tucked in and his hair wasn't neatly combed as usual. His chin was trembling, as if he was on the verge of tears he would never allow himself to shed.

He was forlorn. "Can't a brother check up on his sister?"

I almost laughed. "I really don't think you care."

"I do..." He replied, without hesitation, his eyes widening to prove his point. "Of course I care. I've got one sister in the hospital and the other one hiding out in the house across the street. We need you to come home, both of you."

The use of the word 'we' incited an anger in the pit of my stomach I hadn't known burned quite so brightly. It flared in the whites of my eyes and made my palms grow clammy. I looked to Jake, but he simply held the door open and waited to move on my cue.

"Close the door Jake, we're done talking."

He didn't ask questions, he just let the door swing free. When Ben stepped inside and jammed his foot against it closing, only then did he gently move me back. Standing in front. Meeting my brother at eye level.

"Take your foot out of my door, dude." He softly warned, "That's not cool."

He didn't even look at Jake, it was as if he wasn't even there. Like this wasn't his house and he was nothing more than a minor inconvenience.

"You disobey your Father, you disobey God." He said ominously, "Is that what you want, Bonnie?"

I couldn't entertain him. Every word that spilled out of his mouth now sounded like the most ridiculous thing I'd ever heard. Nonsense. The word of God? A tool used to keep me compliant. In fear. I could see his concern laced in his furrowed brow, but it was misplaced.

He wasn't concerned for me. He was concerned with the reaction he would get if he went home empty handed.

"Yes, Ben." I replied, "That is what I want. Ok???"

He'd forged his way into every traumatic moment of my life. Standing on the periphery of every abusive little thing Dad had ever said or done to me. Like a strange little voyeur, living under the same roof but having an entirely different experience.

"You heard her." Jake echoed, kicking my brothers foot aside before slamming the door in his face.

The eggshells were still being walked on as I hurried back to my breakfast. It broke my heart. And I couldn't eat another bite, everything going down in lumps as I sat there fighting back tears. Everyone was silent. I couldn't take it.

"Yes, Sam." I mumbled, trying to find my voice without it breaking on tears. "Get your jacket, we'll go up to the hospital."

His eyes lit up. His smile beamed. Like I'd handed him the holy grail and told him it would grant him unending powers. The sort of joy that was only reserved for the first flushes of love.

I looked at Jake, knowing it wasn't like that for me and him. He wouldn't find joy at being granted access to my hospital bedside. He would be injured at my side, or cutting down the last tongue that ever tried to tell him he could not see me.

I could still feel the ache between my legs that he had left as a reminder of his unwavering devotion. And I knew that whatever was to come would be a testament to that. To the coil wrapped around us both.

I couldn't fathom what was about to happen.

To be continued...

@caprisunsister @thewritingbeforesunrise @takenbythemadness @katuschka @its-interesting-van-kleep @lvnterninthenight @writingcold @jakekiszkasbuttsweat @edgingthedarkness @velveteencatch @lyndz2names @nina-23-45 @itsafullmoon y @char289 @dancingcarbon @gvfpal @violetstarcatcher @wetkleenex-gvf @jazzyfigz @gvfmarge @ignite-my-fire

[absolutebl]

Was wondering if you keep track of BL music videos and if you have recs for something similar to Tu Tem (https://youtu.be/4GuR_g75ufY) and Tu Tem 2 (https://youtu.be/5d6IiLmjQYg)

These two vids have so much drama packed in and w/ their god damn plot twists, I ended up wondering if there's more like these out there

You want ...

The OnlyOneOf BL MV series 

YooJung (main dancer, visual) - begin - BL love story continued in... 

KB (lead rapper, visual) - be free - continuation and other side of above story 

JunJi (lead vocalist, lead dancer) - be mine - second BL couple story continued in... 

Rie (lead vocalist, lead dancer) - because - other side of above second couple, this one has the BL pool trope and is a break up MV 

Mill (main rapper) - beat - this is my favorite of the series it’s a “saving him from his bullies” romance, very cute, completed in... 

Nine 'beyOnd' (vocalist, mak) - beyond - other side of above third couple, bit of a bad boy trope

These last two are the ones who are reported to be staring in forthcoming KBL Bump Up Business.

I talk about some of the BL MV's that I know about at the bottom of my Kpop Idol ins BL tracing post:

More Kpop MV BLs:

K.will - Please don't... - unquestionably the most famous, this is a tragic BL and features two extremely famous Kdrama actors from almost a decade ago! 

Park Won - Fuxxxxx crazy - features Han Se Jin from Mr Heart and Lee Ki Hyun from Light On Me) 

Park Won - Fuxxxxx crazy - in English, vocal by 스텔라장, with additional sexy footage 

The Rose - Beauty and the Beast - 3 fairy stories, one of which is gay 

OnlyOneOf’s hit libitO also has BL themes. 

LOVE is RIGHT

Bonus: 'Fuxxxxx Crazy' MV Making Film 

Most of Holland’s stuff is hella gay, but not necessarily BL. 

Taiwanese BL actor, Lin Yu (OuWen in Love is Science?) featured in a sad gay MV

[cowgurrrl]

now that i think about it, though, actress!reader and rockstar!joel having their own stars on the walk of fame would be iconic! the stans would be freaking out and ofc their families would be supportive

Hello I spent way too long writing these speeches??

You would both agree that because it’s such a big deal and you’ll probably already be crying all day to not speak at each other’s ceremony. It’s enough that the other and all the people you love and care for are there to support. Joel’s ceremony is a week before yours because you’re in different industries and he’s been in the public eye for longer than you. Which is fine because you’re weirdly nervous for your own ceremony. You’d much rather watch him get his first so you know what to expect.

The day of, you wear a simple, pretty black dress and gather your entire family into the car to get to Hollywood. The kids, all being 12 and above, don’t require as much supervision as they have in the past and are free to greet aunts and uncles they haven’t seen in a while. They quickly disperse in a chorus of, “Uncle Dave!” “Uncle Harry!” “Aunt Patti!” and more. You stay close to Joel before the ceremony actually starts and you’re relegated to the front row and he smiles sweetly as he kisses your cheek.

“Thanks for bein’ here.” He says and you smile and squeeze his bicep.

“Thanks for inviting me.” You say. You mingle through the crowd together, his hand always on your waist, in yours, or ruffling the hair of a passing child or grandchild that looks weirdly like him. When the ceremony begins, you sit in the front and he shoots you a wink from the podium before he starts giving his speech. Of course, he thanks his producers, band mates, managers, and everyone else as he spins the yarn of the young single-dad who showed up in LA with a dream and practically nothing else. Every once in a while, he looks up from his paper to meet your eyes and you nod to encourage him. Sometimes mouthing, “you got it.” He nods back and goes back to his words.

“I wouldn’t be near where I am today if it weren’t for my family. My brother, Tommy, and his wife, Maria, and their daughter, Lucy, never let me forget my roots and keep me grounded as the Texas boy I am. The little girl I showed up with is now a psychologist who’s way smarter than I’ll ever be, and a wonderful wife and mother to two little ones— Isaac and Eleanor. The daughter that isn’t of my blood but is of my soul is now a tattoo-covered drummer with an attitude that impresses even her Aunt Patti, an activist fighting for LGBTQ+ rights all across the world, and an amazing mother to a not-so-little JJ. My first son who’s given us a run for our money from the second he was born spends more time playin’ baseball than the guitar and we love him for it. My twin girls, our final Millers, never miss a beat and not only keep me on my toes but keep me updated on the latest TikTok trend so their old dad doesn’t go out of style just yet,” he says. Sophia and Violet giggle down the line of your family as you sit there and watch him. His eyes meet yours and you catch them misting over and you’re a goner.

“And my incredible wife who’s been patient, understanding, and gentle beyond belief for eighteen years. You are forever and always my inspiration, my rock, my best friend, and my confidant. The only reason I was able to make Grammy-winning albums and go on tour is because you stayed home with our kids for the first two years of their life. I know it wasn’t easy and there were days when we both wondered if we made the right decision. I hope you feel like we did. The sacrifices I’ve made are nothing compared to yours and I will do everything I can to repay you for that. This star— this accomplishment— is as much yours as it is mine. I love you with everything I am and everything I could ever be. Thank you.” His words hit your heart and all at once, all five of your kids are reaching across each other to grab your hand, touch your wrist, your knee, any part of you they can reach. You laugh and kiss each of their hands as you wipe your eyes. He looks at you with raised eyebrows, looking for approval, and you nod.

“I love you,” you mouth.

“I love you, too,” he mouths back.

At your ceremony, a week later, you stand on the same stage he did and look down at your family. The day’s emotions have made you especially teary and seeing all their sweet faces doesn’t do you any favors. “Alright, I’m gonna try to do this without crying,” you say, making everyone laugh. You thank your team and all the people you absolutely need to thank before turning to where you know Carolina, Ryan, Elizabeth, Victoria, and Penny are sitting.

“I met Carolina Garcia and Ryan Long while looking for a roommate for my 1,200 square foot apartment in Hell’s Kitchen. I was twenty and in the middle of my studies at NYU when Carolina responded to my Craig’s List ad. She said she didn’t have any pets, allergies, or baggage with her except for her boyfriend, Ryan. I was skeptical but agreed to meet him and thus began our decades-long friendship. When Carolina booked her first big TV gig, she threw my name in the hat and helped launch my career. Over the years, Carolina, Ryan, and their daughters have become cornerstones in my life. They made me a godmother and costar when they didn’t have to. They’re kind, selfless people and I owe who I am to them,” you say.

“Carolina and Ryan were also present when I met my husband, Joel Miller, and watched me fall in love with him. Carolina drunkenly told me during our wedding reception that she knew Joel was the one when I told her I could not only tolerate, but sleep through, his snoring,” Joel laughs a little too hard at the anecdote from his spot in the front when all five of the Miller children nod in agreement.

“Over our twenty-year relationship and eighteen-year marriage, Joel has given me support, love, and a family. I met his daughters, Sarah and Ellie, when they were 18 and 14, and although I didn’t bring them into this world, they gladly welcomed me into theirs. They were exceptionally patient and sweet as I adjusted to life with them and their father and let me love them as if they were my own. I never thought I could be a mother, but they helped prove me wrong. Quickly, we went from a family of four to a family of seven with the addition of Sam and our twins, Sophia and Violet, but through it all, the three of you made it easy to be a mom. Even then, all of you made me want to be a better mom, a better wife, a better actress, a better person. With the five of you, I felt unstoppable. I share this achievement with all of you as I do my love. Being your wife, mother, friend, godmother, and Nanny has been the greatest ride of my life. I love you. Thank you.”

Your family embraces you the second you’re off the stage and soon social media floods with pictures of Joel lifting you off the ground and spinning you around, kissing you, and holding your hand or waist for the rest of the day. You get sweet comments and congratulations from fans and other people in the industry. People Magazine celebrates the two of you as “The Most Successful Couple in Hollywood” and praises you for your speeches. You could give a thousand speeches and none of them could ever come close to describing what it feels like to watch Joel play with the kids and grandkids and nieces and nephews.

None of them could ever come close to encapsulating how much love you have for him and the life you get to lead together.

[monsterkin-culture-is]

10 Epic Songs for the Divine & Otherworldly💫🪽

It's a deity & divine kin songlist so I've focused on epic covers & originals as a focal genre to link to the 'species.' For those who haven't encountered "epic" music before, it's often orchestral music made to mimic stuff found in trailers & movies. The maladaptive daydreaming playlists were let loose on this one! I'll probably do a less specific deitykin playlist in the future but see what you think. All song names link to Spotify. 10. Smells Like Teen Spirit by Tommee Profitt & Fleurie. Society forces me to be normal about Fleurie's music but I'm genuinely so in love with everything she makes or is featured on. This is an amazing cover of Nirvana's original. The choir at the end pulls everything together. A 2nd epic cover that y'all might also like is by Malia J and was the opening song to the Black Widow movie. The opening to that movie still haunts me to this day and I love it.

9. Beyond by Tommee Profitt & MILCK. This song is exactly how I imagine the freedom of flight. It's that feeling of watching the sunset above the clouds on an aeroplane. The song feels like something luring you into the world of fantasy.

8. Losing My Religion by BELLSAINT. I suppose this is more the antithesis of deitykin but I'd still consider it fitting in a more ironic way. I really can't decide if I prefer this to the original. It's more my style but it lacks a lot of the gritty and grounded tone of REM.

7. Dream On by Cinematic Pop & Cosette. The ways this song has changed me. Personally, I'm an Aerosmith fan, but this cover just adds a whole new level. In relation to deitykin, it makes me picture a deity stuck in a mortal body, waiting to be free again.

6. Immigrant Song by SOAK. When hearing this song, some think of Thor Ragnarok, some think of Shrek and some will think of the actual Vikings. Which are you? I'm unfortunately all 3. On an actual serious commentary note, if the original version is a battle cry, this is a warning growl. It's so sinister and says so much with so little.

5. House of the Rising Sun by Lauren O'Connell. Second day in a row I've featured a cover of this song, though this one is honestly my favourite. I can't disguise I might have just snuck this one in here because I love it but I still think it could apply to the right deity out there.

4. It Had To Be You (Dark Version) by Tommee Profitt & Tiffany Ashton. Wrathful deity of love anyone? Ashton's vocals are so sinister and truly captivating. Profitt's choppy violin is the finishing touch. Gives me shivers every time.

3. Genesis by Ruelle. Biblical references in a song about transformation and rebirth. What more do you want from me on a deitykin songlist? This is an enormous fave of mine and I hope some of you can have the same connection.

2. The Call by 2WEI, Louis Leibfried & Edda Hayes. No one does epic music quite like 2WEI and their collaborations with League of Legends has produced some masterpieces. The way the army of vocals build at the beginning with the marching beat only to erupt into the animalistic pounding of drums has me gagged every single time. If you do like this one, my second choice would be Still Here.

1. LABOUR - the cacophony by Paris Paloma. This was already such a powerful song when it first came out. This new version is utterly breath-taking. I distinctly remember showing my mother the original on a roadtrip home from visiting relatives. I had to find her phone in her bag to add it to her Spotify whilst she was driving! For those who don't know, labour is a song about feminism and the burden of being a woman and/or afab. Really a listen for yourself moment.

Would recommend listening to these in a dark room... or maybe on a long roadtrip...

[starrz-ombie]

remaking this because

i forgot to change the duration last time and set it to only one day instead of a week please forgive my stupidity and

its a fun way to start off pride/begin month i think

and in case you want to take into consideration the art pOp remixes (which is not at all necessary !!) but don't remember which one is from each UO:

undergrOund idOl #1: picassO (art pOp remix)

undergrOund idOl #2: desert (art pOp remix)

undergrOund idOl #3: cOy (art pOp remix)

undergrOund idOl #4: fragile (art pOp remix)

undergrOund idOl #5: blOOm (art pOp remix)

undergrOund idOl #6: byredO (art pOp remix)

once again i'm so sorry to everybody that voted before :(( i realized too late and i couldn't edit the poll and i generally prefer putting the polls for longer ; and thank you to everyone that reblogged/liked/voted/interacted with the first one

but if you suddenly changed your mind about which one is your favorite now's your chance to change your vote? i dont knoww.. or if you saw the poll once it ended

[kinnporsche]

here’s another kinn & porsche rec list as promised! once again, the list is ordered according to length (from longest to shortest), but this time i’ve also included some wips that i’m obsessed with right now—if the fic is currently incomplete, i’ve marked it with (wip). you should definitely check them all out, they’re so great and every new update makes my day. really and truly, these fics have literally been what’s getting me through it lately. please be sure to read the tags, and show the authors some love! [part 2/?]

— true north by vincerets – explicit / 102.6k words (wip)

soulmate (ˈsəʊlmeɪt) · noun · a person with whom you feel the most complete. two bodies, one soul.

Porsche is twenty-three when he gets a job working for the mafia. He’s twenty-three when one touch from the family’s heir shifts his world from shades of grey to bright and vibrant. Whoever decided to put the other half of his soul in a Theerapanyakul is getting a very strongly worded letter.

— fake love and hennessy by yeetlegay – explicit / 102.5k words (wip)

“As I said, Porsche,” Kinn begins. “I don’t like loose ends. So here’s what I propose: I’ll pay you for your company for the next week until my flight on Friday. Once I’m out of the country and beyond the reach of my enemies here, you’ll be free to go home. How does that sound?”

Porsche feels like he’s hallucinating. “My company?”

Kinn’s eyes roam over him freely. “Or however else you’d like to put it.”

(AKA: the Pretty Woman AU.)

— being this close ain’t close enough by fortunehasgivenup – explicit / 81k words

Porsche has imagined meeting his soulmate plenty of times. He hadn’t thought that it would involve being chased by men with knives and tied to a chair, but he’s willing to let that go. What he isn’t willing to do is let Kinn walk all over him.

The second that Kinn sees his own name on Porsche’s body, he’s all in. He wants Porsche within arm’s reach, at his side, in his bed, all of it. But his soulmate is stubborn and independent to a fault.

(Or: during the boat scene in episode one, they realize that they’re soulmates. They have a difference of opinions about how things should go.)

— wrapped around your finger (is my ring) by kittysawat – explicit / 61.2k words (wip)

“Relax.” Kinn leans on the counter. “I just want to talk.”

Porsche wills his beating heart to calm down, hoping his voice is steady when he asks, “You want your watch back, right?”

He has the audacity to laugh. “No, but I do have an offer for you.”

“An offer?”

Kinn smiles up at him, his ringed finger tapping against the glass. “Be my fiancé.”

(Or: when forced into an arranged marriage, Kinn needs someone to play his fiancé. The perfect candidate comes to him in the form of a certain bartender demanding fifty-grand.)

— like that through all eternity by concernedlily – explicit / 49.5k words (wip)

Korn holds one thing back. Believing Kinn is his cousin and they can no longer be together, Porsche has to take on the job of running the minor family alone.

— you’re mine by ahdriking – explicit / 23.1k words

Kinn and Porsche are abducted in the middle of their date. Kinn proceeds to demonstrate exactly what happens to those who touch what belongs to him.

(And maybe, just maybe, he’ll find out just how much he likes belonging to Porsche, too.)

— the things i would do to you by kurtstiel – explicit / 18.9k words

“Just because you have a big dick doesn’t mean you know what to do with it,” Porsche says. “Most men who are hung like horses think they don’t even have to try.”

Slowly, Kinn’s eyes slide open. Porsche gets a foreboding feeling like he’s just poked a sleeping bear. Kinn catches and holds Porsche’s gaze, eyes lethal. “And how would you know, Porsche?”

(Or: Porsche discovers what it means to have a size kink.)

— public consumption by iffervescent – explicit / 13.6k words

Porsche agrees to be in a gay porno. Kinn doesn’t work here.

— counting the waves by androktasia – explicit / 8.8k words

Papa had said it was best they keep a distance while things settled down. He’d said that it wouldn’t do to look like they were too much in one another’s pockets. That their rivals might see their relationship as a weakness to be exploited.

Plus, with so many staff dead after the attack, everything seems to take three times as long to do. The work carries on, despite their depleted resources. Everyone’s pulling long hours. Kinn rarely has evenings free anymore, and Porsche certainly doesn’t. They speak on the phone when they can; Kinn in his room, Porsche in his own, sometimes reporting on what they’ve been doing, sometimes just listening to each other breathe until they fall asleep. Most days, from what Kinn can tell, Porsche works till midnight, crawls into bed for a few hours, and then gets right up and starts working again.

Kinn knows his father wouldn’t want him here. He’s sneaked out—sort of. Arm knows where he is, and if Arm knows, Tankhun knows (which is why Arm knows). Papa had told Kinn that he should let Porsche get established on his own, to show trust. It does make sense, if Kinn thinks about it logically.

But he misses his boyfriend.

(Or: Kinn visits Porsche at the minor family house.)

— take shelter by vesna (mrsronweasley) – explicit / 6k words

Porsche loves Kinn. He’d said as much, and Kinn had nearly whited out in response. He hasn’t said it back yet. Porsche doesn’t seem to have let that affect him, hasn’t acted differently towards him at all. Maybe he doesn’t even need to hear it. And Kinn—Kinn isn’t entirely sure why he’s keeping him waiting. It isn’t as if he isn’t madly fucking in love with him.

— when the heat wave comes by oliviacirce – explicit / 5.1k words

“I don't think that's normal,” Porsche says doubtfully.

— love, let my love inside go free by daltoneering – explicit / 3.5k words

They burst to the surface gasping for breath, water clogging Porsche’s ears, distorting the brightness of Kinn’s laughter across the pool into muffled echoes along the tall glass walls of the building. He grabs for the side, lungs screaming.

“Fuck! You want to drown me?”

(Or: Kinn shows Porsche just how grateful he is for the perfect first date.)

— you put a fever inside me by butterflylungs – explicit / 3.1k words

Your life is mine, Kinn had once told him. It had pissed Porsche off at the time, when Kinn had been freezing him out. Now, even the suggestion of Kinn laying his claim on him, marking him as his, has Porsche whimpering Kinn’s name. It would make this permanent. It would mean that Kinn will keep him, forever.

(Or: Porsche riles Kinn up during a work meeting, and Kinn teaches him a lesson.)

— smoke on your skin by mirrorofprinces – explicit / 2.7k words

There is a small, dark part of Kinn that considers pinching Porsche’s nose shut and fucking his face to completion. Instead, he reaches for the crystal whiskey glass on his desk and takes a fortifying sip. “Enough.”

— i wanted your body but it came with your soul by any_open_eye – explicit / 2.2k words

“Do I need to tie you up?” Kinn asks.

He watches that hit Porsche, rippling down his body, his mouth opening pink and wet. Kinn wants to suck on it like candy.

Slowly, Porsche wraps his fingers back around the bars. “I’ll keep still,” he promises, because Porsche likes to win, yes. But he also likes to lose.

[shadowetienne]

OnlyOneOf be series thoughts

As undergrOund idOl / be series draws to a close, I'm noticing some interesting parallels between the three pairs and trying to think about the messages they are trying to give.

Each pair seems to have one member who is more at peace with his sexuality and one who is still struggling with it on some level.

In "begin" / "be free," Yoojung enters the story line comfortable with himself if unsure if how the world will treat him. His character is open, receptive, and as the song states, "ready to begin." KB's character arc in the two MVs involves him coming to terms with himself enough to accept his attraction to Yoojung and meet that openness, therefore becoming free as the title again suggests: in this case, free from the constraints he put on himself. However, we can also assume that it connects to the constraints that he has experienced from society, especially since even the more open of the two of them is waiting to be approached.

In "be mine" / "because," Junji is ready and comfortable acting on his feelings. He is both the one who initiates the relationship by running after Rie to talk to him, and the one who initiates and levels up a lot of the physicality. One of the points where this is really obvious is taking off the shirts at the pool. Junji is at ease, ready to show off, be seen, and go to the next point, while Rie is hesitant even though he does also take off the shirt. There's a lot more anxiety present in Rie's character when it comes to the relationship.

While "beat" / "beyond" is not complete yet, I feel pretty confident saying Mill is the half of this pair uncomfortable with his sexuality and position in society while Nine has come to terms with himself and is more relaxed. It's pretty blatant in how Mill faces bullying, how Nine and Mill interact in the art room scene. I am really curious to see how that continues to play out in "beyOnd."

The different pairs seem to be telling stories from different life stages/ages.

And we seem to be going backwards in age. Yoojung and KB are telling a story of full adults who have careers or at least jobs, and adult lives. Their story involves at least the implications of clubbing and cruising, and part of their struggle clearly involves being free to be themselves in the world and society without ruining what they already have.

Junji and Rie are showing a story of young adulthood. It's much more centered around the individual and less their roles in the world. They are independent at this point, but not fully invested into their adult lives, and they also seem to know others who are queer, and not necessarily need to hide from their immediate peers. (Junji and KB as friends, the cafe where Yoojung works as a meeting place, which seems to be a soft reference to My Beautiful Laundrette, a queer film.)

The ages of the characters really clicked with the addition of Mill and Nine's story being set in high school. They are in a life stage where they have pretty much adult emotions and reasoning ability without the experience, emotional control, and most importantly agency to really have security. While KB's struggle seems to largely be about his own emotions towards the world and how it views him in "be free," Mill is being faced with the reality of physical threat to his safety shoved in his face constantly through the bullying shown in "beat." It's pervasive, it's out in the open, and no one really seems to have tried to do anything to stop it before Nine. Being a teenager who knows or suspects that you're queer in an environment that is actively hostile towards you for it and you have no power to get out of is terrifying, and that is part of what makes "beat" and its story really poignant. Nine also clearly is facing some of these same potential concerns, but he seems to be coming from a place where he is able to be more secure. He's gotten "beyOnd" that. Either he's supported at home, or I suspect he's already faced what he thought was the worst possibility and he survived and kept going so he believes it will be ok once they get past this phase. I'm really curious what they show in his MV.

The phone booth as liminal space and a point of connection.

The phone booth has shown up in every set of MVs. It's where KB falls into Yoojung's arms. It's one of the places that Junji and Rie meet and Rie was (or was going to be) making a call. It's where Nine stumbles into Mill's arms after having been beaten up (I can't wait for context).

Phone booths are giving me a few different connections here:

Phone booths were a really common place used in cruising, and I do think that this is being referenced intentionally in Yoojung and KB's storyline. Yoojung waiting in a phone booth isn't innocent happenstance.

Obviously, phone booths are a place one can make calls, and reach out to others, and this part plays a pretty clear imagery role in Junji and Rie's story.

But on that front, when I was a queer teenager in danger of being kicked out, one of the things we told each other in our secretive connections between queer teenagers who all had recognized each other, with those of us who were out whether we wanted to be or not at the center of these clusters, was always carry enough change to make at least one payphone call, and have the number memorised for a safe person to call. Maybe this was just my extended circle in the Bay Area, in the early 00s, but it feels like it's a cultural thing I've seen references to. The idea at least, of going to a phone booth to make that call because you have been kicked out and you are reaching out to the one person who you are pretty sure is safe, that seems to resonate with how I see the scene with Mill at the phone booth at the end of "beat."

Paper cranes as a symbol of hope and the future.

Right now, especially with the lack of paper cranes in "beat" (will they return in Nine's MV?), I'm feeling like paper cranes are symbols of hopes or wishes for the future. Yoojung has some to start with, and then there are the small number shared between him and KB. Their hopes are tentative, just starting and building slowly. They aren't on steady footing yet. Yoojung has those hopes for the future of his own accord, but KB needs to connect with Yoojung to start getting his own hopes to match.

Junji and Rie have lots of them, made together, and gathered up and in many colors and possibilities. They're still a little fragile, but even if they get a little crumpled, they can be picked up off the floor and are mostly fine. The use of their respective colors in places for the cranes is a nice touch. Even though the relationship takes a turn and has a struggle, theyve built up the hopes together and it doesn't seem like they are so easily ruined (I'm reading it as them making up at the end).

Mill hasn't had the chance to have hope for his future yet. I think that if Nine's MV marks the return of paper cranes, it says something about Nine bringing hope into the situation. Mill isn't alone, there are other people like him. Even if their high school romance goes no where long term, Nine will have shown him possibility of future. I am hoping that we get that hope in Nine's MV.

I feel like I'm forgetting at least one theme I wanted to talk about, but it's after midnight, so I'm going to leave this ramble here.

[canyouhearthelight]

Nihilus Rex, Ch. 22: Banking Embers

Okay, so I was so busy patting myself on the back for getting a chapter up that I totally missed that it was the wrong chapter. Insert me smacking myself in the face when @baelpenrose pointed out.

Thankfully everything still applies: a good mix of fluff and machinations, and very much more co-written than beta read. Whew!

When Rome's in ruins

We are the lions

Free of the coliseums

In poisoned places

We are anti-venom

We're the beginning of the end

Tonight

The foxes hunt the hounds

It's all over now

Before it has begun

And we've already won

Fall Out Boy, “Young Volcanoes

Lash

Nils eventually came out of the master suite, carrying a bottle and sniffing it suspiciously. “This isn’t mine.”

I rolled my eyes and held out my hand. “White boy hair oil and brown girl hair don’t necessarily work well together. Thank you, I’ll stick it in my bag. Sorry.”

He snatched it back. “Nope. I like it, it’s staying here. In case you need another shower. Only practical. I’ll buy you another bottle on the way to take you home.” 

I smothered a smile as he padded barefoot back to the bathroom, returning seconds later to take his position on the far end of the couch - at some point, we had established ‘our’ seats, although I couldn’t pinpoint when. But his was on the left, mine was on the right. Everywhere. I shook myself out of my thoughts. “Food is ordered - hope saag paneer and double extra garlic naan is okay. I still can’t stomach the idea of meat at the moment.”

“Sounds perfect.” He leaned back in the couch. “So, what was so nuts about my idea that it beats…whatever movie we were going to watch?” 

“I didn’t say it was nuts, I said it was interesting,” I pointed out. “But to your point. Firstly, I am constantly caught off guard by how hopeful you can be for someone who is so pessimistic.  I don’t mean that as an insult, by the way.  But, secondly… I think it could work if - and only if - we think in the very long term.  Not scales of weeks, months, or years, but we’re talking generations.  Lifetimes.”

“A sunrise we’ll never see?” His tone was pensive. “Or in the sense that it will be an ongoing project whose endpoint will take several lifetimes beyond our own?” 

“In the sense that it may not even be the best idea if we live to see the sun finish setting,” I responded as gently as possible. “Studies show that sustainable, lasting change - good or bad - is done over time to gain momentum.”

“Which has the singular downside that I don’t know that’s time we have.” Nils said, thinking. “Behold the climate. There are places we can challenge capitalist control, and places we can replace it, fairly rapidly. We didn’t do it with debts, no, but we proved it could be done, that the system was weaker than people thought, and we got away clean. A lot of why rapid change is impossible to sustain is that the system is too load bearing, so our first play has to be to prove that we can take those loads away - which has the advantage of making us look like winners and making the powers-that-be look like conquerable fools. How many revolutions fail before they start simply because people don’t try? Because they think the system is invincible?”

I reached out and squeezed his thumb affectionately. “Hey, I agree. Keep in mind, I’m not beating the ‘Go Vote’ drum as the be-all-end-all, here.  We can definitely pull away those theoretically load bearing systems, one at a time, provided we are smart about what they are supposed to be propping up and how much we care if those loads crumble. Case in point, the debt heist we just did.”

The familiar, laughing-at-a-far-away-joke smile played about his lips as he looked at me, eyes focused entirely in the moment. “That’s why we’re partners. Never would have worked as well without you. I wouldn’t be trying this without you.” He reached out and gently squeezed my hand. “We can pick our targets carefully, but at some point we’re going to inspire copycats - and those people should have some means of finding us, so that we can guide them a bit, so they don’t fuck it up.” 

I shook my hair out, thinking.  Reaching back, I started twisting it, looking around and finding a pen to shove through it and keep it balanced. “We honestly aren’t all that sneaky, outside of the fact that we are very openly doing this under online personas that are very much hard to trace back to real people.  But I agree, we need something like a council - proxy real people who copy cats can reach out to when we are asleep or busy.  Like… Bishop, for sure. Weasel is out. Bryce may actually be a good option, though.”

Nils shook his head. “He wasn’t reliable to not steal from you and finish the job. He’ll roll over on us for any reward money in a heartbeat.” 

I pointed at him and winked. “Exactly. Bryce is motivated by money, pure, plain, and simple. We know what to watch out for, and we know how to hack him. Weasel… we can’t pay him in enough of his preferred currency to keep him from turning in half a breath. But Bryce?  Has a gambling addiction, a few hundred thousand in student loans, and parents who are always a hair away from cutting him off. If we can redirect some ill-gotten billionaire funds to keep him from getting killed by loan sharks, he’ll be loyal.”

“Point the first: We just torched a huge swathe of student debt, that was literally my original goal. Gambling addiction though, that’s interesting.” I thought about it. “My issue is that if the FBI offers enough he may take a bigger payday from them. Consider it for now, not a hard no. I like Bishop though. And we’re going to want someone to manage the psychopaths a little more directly, ideally someone who understands…frankly, weapons, tactics, and ideally isn’t a racist psychopath I have to string along with mind games.”

“We’re getting ahead of ourselves,” I suggested, just as the food arrived. “Am I safe to grab that, or should you?”

“I’ll get it.” He got up and headed down to go grab the food at the door. When he got back, he set the food down on the table and set out a plate in front of each of us. “Good call, this stuff smells amazing.”

I smiled. “Thank yew, thank yew. I could eat this every day, mass murder notwithstanding.” I started scooping rice and curry onto my plate before continuing. “So. Yes, we need a council, persons beyond Bishop to be determined. But we also need a figurehead.” With my fork, I pointed at my face vaguely. “Clearly not the person to visibly converse with racists, which are our primary market currently.” I started swirling the tines in his general direction. “However, you? Mr. Rich Boy Who Hates the Rich? Perfect.”

“We have to network with people who will look at my…everything…and know we’re bullshit, though. Ideally, we may want to have two different figureheads, for interacting with different crowds. You for our actual side of things, me for the rowdy and violent crowd? Bear in mind, we’re gonna need actual activists to set up the community shit to take advantage of whatever we do with our pawns.” 

“Activists don’t care what you look like,” I agreed before shoving a chunk of spinach covered cheese in my face and chewing thoughtfully. “But yeah, I can organize the actuals on the back end while you rally the minions in the front.   Right now, front work is going to be our focus.  Did the dead guys have life insurance? Families?”

“Based on chatter? One did. It came up alot.” His tone was unconcerned as he heaped his plate. “Are we thinking hitting life insurance next? For that matter, are we reaching out for a mutual edge? Get payouts for the victims of the fire and the widows and orphans of our retribution? An easy way to reunite “our” forces and get them refocused on the real enemy.” 

I waffled my hand while I chewed on naan. Swallowing I managed to get out, “Kind of both? Don’t get me wrong, if we just wiped out their mortgage and they still bombed the cafe? We can pro-rate that insurance, I know the math.  But also.” I started gesturing with my fork again. “Did you know that, in the absence of a clear beneficiary, most life insurance defaults to the state after three to ten years?  Waste of funds, plus the interest goes to the state, regardless. It’s gross.”

“That is uniquely disgusting,” he said, before shoving a large hunk of naam into his mouth. “Or, I’d say so if I hadn’t heard about. Other theft the state likes doing. But that’s directly addressable, right now.” 

I nodded enthusiastically. “So, you’re picking up what I’m putting down: unclaimed and excessive life insurance. Reroute that shit.”

“Sounds perfectly agreeable to me. To the poor, or to the recently widowed and orphaned of the country? I think both would be…pretty funny.” 

“Tired, poor, and huddled masses,” I toasted with a chunk of naan, rice, and curry. “Fuck the yearning, let’s make them free. Food banks, medical debts - until we can wipe those out - Hey.” I set my food down for a second. “Funnel the funds into a medical debt jubilee? Would that work better, or would another hack work better? We need an accountant or insurance adjuster on staff, I think.”  At this point, I was rambling, but in the groove and happy for once in the last several years.

“Second hack. We drop that kind of cash into the people who are real experts in making it matter the most, they’re legally required to find out who it comes from and how. We’re better off intercepting the shit they can’t buy yet.” Nils was grinning. “We can find an accountant though. Gotta be a way to start dumping money into this machine.” He blushed a bit. “I love seeing you smile again, Lash. For real, not just for cover.” 

I complied with a genuinely enthusiastic, sunny grin, spinach in teeth be damned. “I still think we need a risk-reward specialist on board,” I pointed out. “Keep in mind, we don’t need a licensed adjuster, just a trained one. Think of all the people who get educated in prison and can’t get employed. We can cultivate one, cherry pick.” At this point I was screaming high on endorphins and realized I sounded silly. “Or just… I dunno. Pay one who is willing to take the pay over the ethics. You might be right.”

“You didn’t even wait to hear my objections. I was going to say there’s no one trained for this, because we break that scale at both ends.” He was laughing too. “Then again as we get this council together, we’re probably going to run into that problem a lot if we go as far as we could.” 

I glanced around while I thought, and spotted a surprisingly dusty chess set.  Carefully, I brought it over to the table, set it down, scooted our food over, and sat on the floor. “So here,” I I picked up a king out of the box - it happened to be a white piece, but whatever, it was the first one I saw - “This is basically you.” I set it in place. “You think incredibly well in short term but you put your neck out without caring about the consequences, yes?”

He picked up the black king. “I don’t hate your analysis. But this is the side we’re playing. The system’s had at least one move on us a long time. We’re just moving back to react to the world we’re living in and trying to win anyway. Also, you know you’re setting me up as the piece we can’t win without - that the game ends if they manage to kill me.” He sounded oddly anxious about that concept.

I nodded and fished out the corresponding queen. “In theory, this is me - long term thinking, flexible, but not the figurehead. The movement doesn’t die with me.” Without waiting, I grabbed a bishop. “Obvious. But we need another, so I’m only putting one on the board right now.”  Fully committing to the metaphor, I fished all the pawns out of the box and placed them on the Black side. “These are your pawns. Appropriately, both useful, powerful, and sacrificial.”  To the side, I started setting the rest of the Black pieces. “Here’s what we don’t have.”

“An advisor, two specialists for atypical offense, and two builders to make whatever we want last. Okay.” He took a look. “Not king and queen of much of a court.” He glanced at me. “You were born to be a queen though, even if when we’re done there’s not going to be much in the way of monarchies.” 

I felt my face flush, and turned away so he wouldn’t see it.  Given how many times I had been subjected to similar pickup lines, I mentally scolded myself while I calmed down. Remember all the stupid lines about Nubian queens when you aren’t even from Africa, I asserted. And how many references to Cleopatra left you with a soggy date and an empty cup. “Capitalism, monarchies, whatever,” I managed to get out, “leaders need a council.  I assume you would object if I placed myself as King’s Rook - the one piece that can swap for the King in an assassination attempt in chess - so I accept being Queen. Fair?”

“We didn’t establish that I really bought the model that you’re more expendable than I am to the movement long-term.” He said, obviously thinking about something. “But if I can’t convince you of that, yes, you’re the queen.” 

I grabbed a bite of my now-cold paneer and nodded as I swallowed. “If it helps your conscience at all, these games rarely get far past the Queen being taken, unless you are playing against an absolute master or a total newb.”

He nodded. “Point.” He then proceeded, speaking in a voice somewhere between supervillain and flirting-teasing, with a grin that indicated he had an entirely new thing to tease me with, “So, ‘my queen,’ do you have a particular preference for the rest of our council that we should contact or discuss this evening?”

My face burning, I managed to keep facing him and steadily respond. “Bishop, first. Ask him for suggestions… Beyond him and Weasel, I don’t think we know a lot of the same folks.”  Surrendering, I dropped my forehead into my palm. “And please, for the love of everything, let me sleep on this big, fluffy, gorgeous couch tonight? I don’t want to even think of blaming anything that happens between us, non-professionally, as being due to trauma.”

He snorted. “I was going to be a gentleman and take the couch, let you have the bed, but if you insist on the couch, I’m not going to force you.” 

I started giggling, possibly out of tired delirium. “I flopped on the bed earlier,” I confessed. “It’s hard as a rock, so I will take the couch and suggest you get a softer bed.”

He shrugged, and boxed up what was left of the food. “Ah. Yeah. We can talk about that, if you were coming over here more often. But for tonight, yeah, take the couch. I’ll get you some blankets and pillows.” 

[butchjpg]

beat, lee yongsoo // the thing is though, i genuinely felt my heart beating the moment i saw you. beyOnd, jung wookjin // to all those lovers in the world who do not feel like they’ve been given the blessing.

(pt 1. begin + be free) (pt 2. be mine + because) (full set. undergrOund idOl)

[fandomdough]

OnlyOneOf undergrOund idOl solo series

be nOuveau

Created as fanart pc freebies for their Grand America Tour!

on AO3 | on Instagram [begin] [be free] [be mine] [because] [beat] [beyOnd]

[creampuffqueen]

You absolutely don't have to answer this one if it's something you'd prefer to keep to yourself, but... was there any particular reason why you struggled with your confidence as a writer? It's a little funny, a little sad, that no matter how good someone is at what they do, at certain times they're unable to perceive their work that way

yeah i don't mind at all! i've been in a very good place confidence-wise for a while now, so i'm definitely able to look back on some of those moments more objectively. i think it's very important to share that everyone struggles with confidence at times, no matter how "good" their work seems.

i think my struggle with my confidence as a writer, both then, occasionally now, and always, stems from the fact that i have never been a super confident person as a whole. i have always had very bad imposter syndrome, ever since i was young, in pretty much all that i do. school, work, hobbies, anything really. i always have had this underlying feeling of 'i'm just faking being good at [thing], i was only good at [thing] because of dumb luck, one day i'm gonna be super bad at [thing] and then everyone will Find Out'.

find out what? idk. but that is something i've experienced for a very long time. most of the time i'm able to ignore those feelings, but every now and then they really rear their ugly head and i sort of get stuck in a rut.

as for the writing itself. i actually can pinpoint what i was specifically struggling with at the time. for starters, i was still finishing up school when i was beginning to plot out my fics for yangvik week, and my spring semester was rough. my adhd became incredibly unmanageable and my overall mental health was probably at the worst it's ever been. not super conducive to writing.

the other part of this struggle was actually because of my other fic, 'the push'. i love that fic and i am very proud of it, but it BLEW UP, becoming popular beyond my wildest imagination. it's only been out for a few months but it is one of the most popular things i have ever posted. last time i checked, it is the most popular work in the entire yangchen/kavik tag on ao3, which is just crazy to me.

unfortunately, the downside of this is that i began to feel like nothing i wrote would ever be as good as that fic. the imposter syndrome appeared full-force. i began to wonder if i should even bother writing for yangvik again. i mean, i had created the most popular fic by dumb luck. there was no way i could create something of that caliber again, right? and if i wrote something that wasn't as good, then people would know that i'm secretly a terrible writer.

this was also extremely exacerbated by my outside mental health struggle. i would struggle to write because of my adhd, and then would beat myself up about it because 'oh i just trekked through that mental block before, i should be able to do it again'. (spoiler alert, no i couldn't).

but somehow, the stars just seemed to align for yangvik week. by some miracle, i had both the free time to write AND working medication that actually let my get my ideas down. i published my fic for day one and it was very well received, and i was able to focus on that rather than my own imposter syndrome, and finally feel some confidence in my writing again!

so this is just my message to other artists: everyone struggles with their confidence at times. it isn't always mental health related like mine was (though you should always prioritize your own mental health! making art is so, so much harder when your brain is out of whack) but everyone feels a lack of confidence occasionally. your art deserves to be seen, no matter if you think you've just created the second mona lisa or you think it's a dumpster fire. someone out there is going to love it, i promise <3

thank you for the ask!

[littleapplecart]

This playlist is on repeat. I don't think I will ever get over it.