#mixtape: Case Dismissed

[lesservillain]

inmate!eddie munson x teacher!reader

cw: drinking, explicit fantasies

September 16th,1994 

The idea to you was asinine from the moment Principal Williams brought you into her office to explain the program details to you. How no one else thought that the idea of thirteen-year-olds becoming “pen pals” with prisoners wasn’t insane baffled you. It was dangerous at worst and inappropriate at best, but,  despite your best efforts to reason with her, your opinion as a “newer” teacher was dismissed. 

Now here you are listening to the speech of the prison rep, Mr. Bridges, as he explained the program to your 7th grade class. Not like you had a lesson planned for them today.

Mr. Bridges stands a whole 5 feet and 6 inches with a short stack military fade and the most unsettling sunny disposition. He reads as incredibly fake, like a snake oil salesman, and his shiny, white, slightly too big for his mouth veneers not doing him any favors. It doesn’t surprise you that your newly divorced principal was able to be persuaded by this guy's charms, but thankfully you’re used to his kind of tactics from your own previous relationship. 

Before leaving, Mr.Bridges approaches you at your desk. “I’m sorry to bother you,” he starts, leaning too far into your space. One of his thick fingers points at a paper he had given you before he started his speech, “but is a student absent today? We have an unassigned inmate—”

“We had a student move,” you say shortly, keeping your voice monotone and not bothering to glance at his paper, “so I’m short one student in this class.”

Bridges nodded, clearly deep in thought. His brows furrowed for a moment before perking up. 

“Maybe you’d like to take on a pen pal?’” He proposes, his chipper disposition coxing on the migraine that wants to break through behind your eye.

The look on your face must have said it all as he tried to convince you further. “The inmates that signed up are all trying to better themselves before being re-released into society, ya’know?” His eye’s shift, landing on the floor with a solemn look. “We thought talking to kids that grew up while they were incarcerated would help them get in touch with the times, be able to cope with time they’ve lost. Give them something to look forward to when they get out.” 

The pads of your fingers dig into your temples, eyes rolling to the back of your head before finally giving him the eye contact he so desperately craved from you. 

“Fine, I’ll take whoever you have left, I guess. What’s his name?”

“Perfect!” Bridges hands clap together next to your ear, “The leftover inmate wants to go by The Banished One and he—”

“Banished what?” You ask, confused.

“Oh, The Banished One! It’s his nickname for the project. We have all the inmates disguise their names just in case the kids may be related to one of them.”

“Oh my god,” you groan, resting your head in your hand, “Okay, fine, sure I guess that makes sense.” 

 Bridges continued to assure you that all the letters are anonymous and would be vetted both ways, adding that only ‘good behavior’ inmates were allowed to take part in the program as a last push for your participation, you reluctantly agreed. Mostly just to get him to leave your classroom before your head explodes, but not without the stipulation that if you thought it was too much for your kids that you would pull them out. That seemed to be enough to satisfy him.  

October 7th, 1994 

The first writing session took place on a Friday, the soft sound of music from your mixtape playing for the kids to help them relax. It had been a long week of testing and you felt like an easy day was in order for both you and the kids, most of your other classes would just be doing free work. 

You grabbed the stack of letters from your desk, Pictures of You by The Cure filling the air as you hand each student their respective letter. 

“Don’t forget to keep personal information like names and where you live out of your letters. Once you’re done, bring them to my desk.”  

Once the kids were settled, you returned to your desk and grabbed your own letter. The envelope before you had “Teach” written across the front, the pen name you chose to go by. The handwriting was like chicken scratch. Not much different from the 13 year old boys whose papers you grade, though, so you were confident in your ability to decipher the rest of the letter. But still had a roughness, an edge to it.  

As you opened your letter, unfolding the paper to it’s full state, the first thing to catch your attention was the graffiti like drawings along the margins of the paper. It reminded you of a flash sheet at the tattoo shop your friends took you to for your 21st birthday, a permanent reminder of that day on your inner ankle in the form of a small butterfly that was already starting to fade. There was nothing too offensive; a rose, a sailor ship, a dove with an olive branch, all impressively done for just being pen on paper. 

Once you got past the artwork, you began to take in the letter's contents. The single page was filled from front to back, barely any room for the signature at the bottom.

“Hey there, “Teach”... if that is your real name…” the letter starts. The lame opener makes you crack a small smile that you quickly cover with your hand. You read on, taking in each sentence, and you start to get the idea that your pen pal doesn’t take this pen pal assignment too seriously. 

The letter is casual, a few puns here and there, with some Tolkien references that would have been missed if one wasn’t familiar with his work. It’s clear that this person is young, or at least young at heart, which saddens you to think about, but you try not to dwell on it. 

Getting into the meat of the letter, your pal explains that went to prison in 1989 for drug related charges, but is set to get out in about a year if he keeps up his good behavior.

 “I’m ready to get out of this place and get back to my hometown in Hawkins.” 

A shiver goes down your spine for a moment when you read that he’s from Hawkins. Bridges assured you that the inmates wouldn’t know what school the kids would be from, but you weren’t expecting to be talking to someone from this small town. You wonder if Bridges knows more than he’s letting on with his comment about the kids being related to the inmates.

Once the creepy feeling dissipates you continue to read on. The details your pal gives about himself tell you that he’s very different from the people you usually hang out with. His favorite genre of music is metal and he used to play guitar and do vocals for a band every week before he started working as a mechanic full time. They’d have a crowd of 20 or so some nights, but it was usually just the regulars at the place they would play at. 

The final paragraph of the letter consists of a seemingly scripted warning about the dangers of drugs and that no one should make the same mistake he did. You wondered if this was obligatory for the project. At the bottom of the page your pal signs with his chosen moniker “The Banished One.” When thinking about it, you find that it’s very fitting for an inmate.  

After taking a moment to check in on your class, Morrissey’s somber voice serenading them as  “I Know It’s Over” plays from the small radio’s speakers, you pull out your own pen and paper to start your response.

 As you ponder on where to start, a thought that crosses your mind; does your pen pal even know they’re talking to an adult? The pen name you chose might be on the nose but you didn’t want to assume. Granted, your handwriting itself may be a dead giveaway if you were to compare it to a teens.  

It took you a couple of tries to start your letter. Instinctively, you wanted to be formal, but the longer you thought about it the more you didn’t want to come off as a boring writing companion. You tried and failed to come up with something witty to match the vibe of your pal, but comedy wasn’t your strong point, though you’d argue that it wasn’t his either. Instead, you approached it as if you were writing to a friend.  

“Hello! Nice to meet you “Banished One." Though, it sounds like you won't be banished much longer.” 

Erring on the side of caution you chose to only respond directly to things he wrote, slipping in that you also enjoyed the works of Tolkien with your own reference. You mention that you listen to metal from time to time, more into radio rock at the moment, but you’d really listen to anything.

 It took you a minute to calculate how to respond to the reveal of his dealings in drugs, ultimately deciding to lightly say that you hoped he learned his lesson unless he saw himself returning to prison in the future. You shared that you were familiar with Hawkins, noting that you loved the milkshakes from the old diner in town, but left it at that. As you closed the letter you complimented his artwork, informing him that the rose was your favorite and that you looked forward to seeing his artwork on future letters.

You’d manage to write enough to cover the majority of the back of your lined paper, signing your pen name a few lines away from the bottom. Going over your letter again, you can't help feeling like it’s a bit dull. Safe, but that’s what it's supposed to be.

October 24th,1994 

It only took two weeks for Mr. Bridges to return with new letters for your class. Truthfully, you had almost forgotten about the letters entirely while trying to keep your students on track as the holiday season approaches. The emotional whiplash of seeing your ex out with his new, younger girlfriend while you were out looking for Halloween decor for your apartment wasn't helping either. It felt like no matter what you did, how much your friends tried to help, you just couldn’t catch a break. At least the manager of the local liquor store was nice to you. 

When your students seemed too preoccupied with the stack of letters on your desk to pay attention to your lecture, you decided to call it a day and give all of you a break. You click on your small stereo and let the tune of Jeff Buckley’s Hallelujah take over the room while you pass out letters. 

Once the letters were distributed, you settled at your desk where your eyes met with the same chicken scratch handwriting as before. It was tempting to reach for it… until you glanced at the pile of ungraded papers that sat next to it, taunting you. You desperately needed to go over them, the deadline to turn in grades fast approaching.

You deliberated on what to do. You had to admit you were curious about the letter. Part of you wondered if you’d even get one back. You didn’t want to give any personal information away, so you couldn’t blame the random man in prison for not responding if he thought he was talking to an old lady teacher. 

But the stack of papers is practically glaring at you.

A thought; you could always finish your papers later at home. But you did tell yourself you would be better at bringing so much work home with you this year…Your friends had an influence on that decision, making sure you took at least every other weekend to go out and do something — anything to keep you from shutting yourself in again. 

With a sigh, you tuck the letter into your work bag, grabbing your pen to start grading.

“Damn it, why can’t I find one stupid pen!” 

Slamming drawers and stomping around, the red liquid of your cup sloshing around in your glass as you grew more and more frustrated in your search for a pen to write out the checks for the coming month’s bills. 

After searching the kitchen, you make your way to the living room and spot your school bag on the coffee table. In your rage, you slam the glass on the table and begin haphazardly pulling the contents out of the bag, praying you still had a pen that hadn’t been “borrowed” to never be returned by one of your students. 

The feeling of plastic on the tips of your finger almost brought you to tears of joy. Pulling out a purple ink pen you decided that it would have to be good enough if your landlord wanted your rent on time. 

After finishing with the checks, you return to your bag to put the envelopes inside to drop off tomorrow at the post office. As you lift the bag, your eyes meet with chicken scratch again away. A burst of buzzed excitement runs through you at the sight, even if for just a moment before you shook it off. It was just an envelope from some random man sitting in a jail cell, why are you getting so excited? Is it because you’re at home and not feeling the pressure to be uptight and rigid? 

Or maybe it’s because you can’t remember the last time you received a letter that wasn’t a bill. It sort of gave you a feeling of nostalgia, taking you back to a time when you wrote letters to your mom when you were at camp, or when you would write to your grandparents around the holidays. It even reminded you a bit of writing in your diary, if your diary could write back that is. It’s not like he would have room to judge you from his jail cell, right?

You snatch the letter from the bag and walk back into the kitchen, grabbing the dark bottle of wine to refill your glass and plopping down at the table. Ripping open the envelope, you pull out the letter and immediately notice that it is covered in artwork just as the last one was.

This time you notice a 20-sided dice with a banner that read “critical hit”, a very detailed dragon head, and a stylized version of the skeleton guy that you’ve seen on the cover of Iron Maiden albums. The biggest piece was of another rose, but in the fully bloomed center was an eye. It was…interesting. Well done, but not what you were expecting. Not that you were expecting anything anyway.  

Getting the artwork out of the way, you take a large sip of your drink and begin reading.

“Hello again, Teach,” the letter starts, “I think we need to discuss the elephant in the room before I can write anything else.” Your brow quirks up, a slight nervousness begins to creep in your mind. 

“I was already suspicious when I was told the person I was writing to wanted to go by Teach. And no seventh grader I’ve ever known can write as nicely as you. Not that I know a lot of seventh graders...Anyway, can I ask how I ended up being pen pals with the class teacher? I know I could ask Bridges, but I think it would be more fun to hear it from you.” 

Your lips tug into a smile, but this time you don’t feel the need to cover it. Why did it feel like a game he won or a riddle he solved? It wasn’t exactly like you were hiding it. But something about him figuring out something about you was…exciting.

As you get into the meat of the letter itself he goes on to ask you what subject you teach and how long you have been teaching. He asks if you like working with kids and if they ever made you want to pull your hair out. The phrasing of his words make you giggle. 

“I was never good in school,” he states. “It took me three tries of my senior year to graduate. I used to blame my teachers saying that they didn’t like the way I dressed or my taste in music. I guess now I have to admit that it was probably because I didn’t bother to show up to class or do any of my homework…” 

A full laugh shook you in your chair. Was he actually funnier in this letter? And why did it come off feeling so personal? The air about it was different, like you were talking to a long-distance friend rather than a felon, your cheeks starting to ache from smiling as you continue read his sketchy handwriting.

He went on to ask more about you, like what your favorite band was since you “liked rock so much more than metal,” with a little frowny face to punctuate his disagreement. He says the prison lets them watch MTV sometimes, which has been his main exposure to new music. Sometimes he gets a hold of new music every once and a while, but usually just listens to his old cassettes on his Walkman that his uncle gave him when he first entered the system.

“Some people have tried to steal it from me, but they learned pretty quickly that I have my ways to get things back, and that I'm not one to be messed with.”

That left you curious. A small glimpse into the inner workings of prison. You never really thought about what a person in prison could or couldn’t have. It was nice that he could have at least a small luxury, an item of value if it was under constant threat of being taken. You also couldn’t help but wonder what he meant by not being messed with.

Before you know it you’ve hit the end of the letter. You can’t help but feel a little disappointed. It felt like there could have been so much more to say, but his pen name barely fit at the bottom of the paper as it is. You take a piece of paper out of your notebook, pulling the frayed pieces off the edge and replacing the one in front of you with it.  Hopefully your pal won't mind the purple pen or the probable lack of coherence compared to your first letter as you feel the wine really start to kick in.

Referring back to the paper like a student answering a question in class, you make sure to answer all of his questions to the best of your ability.  

“Hello again, Mr. Banished. I see you have uncovered my secret that I am, in fact, a grown woman and not a 13-year-old. I hope that doesn’t bother you. I have been teaching English since I graduated college, coincidentally in 1989. It's like we traded places; I got to leave the prison of being a student in college and you went to prison for whatever drug related charges you acquired.” You laughed at your own joke as you continued. 

“As for why you are stuck with writing a late 20’s school teacher rather than one of my students, that would be because of the aforementioned Mr.Bridges. We had a student move a few weeks into the school year and Bridges practically got on his knees and begged me to take on a pen pal.” You left out the detail of not being totally comfortable with the program. Not that you weren’t still hesitant, but the last thing you wanted to do was offend him by insinuating anything about the type of person he was for being in jail. The wine had rationalized with you that sometimes good people do bad things when they’re in dark places.

Continuing on, you wrote that he was probably right in both his opinions on why his teachers failed him. The older teachers at your school were stuck in their ways and judged students before really trying to help them. You did your best not to be the same way, hoping to be a teacher that your students could trust and come to if they needed help. It was a passion of yours since you were small, wanting to help people learn and grow, so what better way to do that than to teach?

“I am interested in what you wore that would call for such harsh judgment. I try to be as unbiased as I can with all my kids. If you asked them, they would say that I’m stuffy or rigid most of the time, but it’s mostly because I care about their education. And partly because being a new teacher is…really freaking tough if I’m being honest. These older teachers don’t take half of the things I say seriously because their own kids are older than me. It’s kind of bullshit, actually, but I just deal with it until I can get more experience under my belt.” 

A sigh slips through your lips, pen tapping against the kitchen table as you feel the frustration bubbling. It’s not fair to dump these feelings on him, but the anonymity made it so easy to just put everything out there. He doesn’t know anything about you, and if you were to weird him out by getting a little real, then he could just not write back, right? 

After taking a moment to collect yourself, you decided to just move on to a different topic. 

“Sorry, that was a lot of feelings on my part. Is it too personal to ask what you do in prison? You mentioned getting to listen to music, but what else do you do? I’ve seen in movies that inmates work out a lot and play basketball outside. Is that real or made up for the audience? If it is real, does that mean you are super buff from working out all the time? Do you beat people up if they try and take your Walkman, or do you stab them? I’ve seen people do that in movies, too. I hope you don’t stab them, that would be scary.” 

You can feel yourself getting a bit rambley in your tired state, so you decide it’s time to call it a night. You wrap up the letter by telling him that you’re going to go to sleep and that you were looking forward to his next letter. You sign your name and draw a small doodle of a flower next to it.

November 18th,1994

It was 3 am when you woke up the first time. A nightmare had you shooting up from your pillow, cold sweat drenched the collar of your sleep shirt, chest heaving as you caught your breath. 

He had been knocking at your door, your pen pal. You never saw his face, but heard the anger in his voice as he yelled for you to let him in. You remember sitting in front of the door begging for him to leave you alone, telling him it was too soon. That you weren’t ready.  

The nightmare became reoccurring, waking you at least 2 or 3 times a week. Sometimes it’s your ex, but most of the time it’s your pen pal. Even though you have no inkling of what he looks like, you just know it’s him on the other side.

The disturbance in your sleep was starting to affect your daily life, one of your coworkers asking if you were okay after over pouring a cup of coffee in the teacher’s lounge.

“Are you okay?” Mr.Clarke asks, helping you mop up the spilled coffee with some paper towels.

“Yes, I’m sorry, yeah,” you say, trying and failing to reassure him.

“Hey, I know that midterms can be rough with the holidays coming up. But, try not to stress out about it too much. I’ve heard good things about you from the kids in my classes that have you this year. You’re doing a good job, so don't kill yourself, okay?”

It was damn near impossible not to burst into tears at your coworkers words, but you held it together until you could hide in the faculty restroom.

The dreams didn’t stop though. Even Mr.Bridges felt the need to comment.

  “Holidays stressing you out?” he asked with an energy that seemed inhuman to you, his sunny disposition could make the snow outside melt.

“No.” You stated shortly as you looked through your lesson plan for the day.

“Well, that’s good to hear,” he said with a nod, “This is the most wonderful time of the year after all. We try to stay busy at the prison, keep the morale high and what not.” 

He placed the stack of letters on your desk, along with a small box that read “Greeting Cards” with a wintery scene displayed on the front. 

“These are for the students to give to the inmates.” You look at him with “no shit” written on your face. He cleared his throat, “But, uh, I’m sure you could figure that out. I know this time of year can be hectic for everyone, but we all deserve some holiday cheer, right?” Your expression remains unchanged as he continues on.

“Right, well, I’ll be giving the inmates their own cards to send to the kids with their letters. It might be a bit difficult for me to come back before Christmas, family affairs to attend to and all that. So, I went ahead and wrote the address and stamped the envelopes for the cards. If I don’t come back by, oh, let's say the 15th? Just go ahead and stick those in the mail and I’ll make sure the inmates get them!” 

Before you could protest having to go out of your way to do his job, Mr.Bridges quickly made his exit as the warning bell rang, wishing you a happy holiday as he disappeared. 

With the lack of free class time as you all crammed for test week, you decided to let the kids take their letters and cards home for the weekend to work on. As you passed them out, keeping the addressed envelopes in the box, you told the kids to write something nice in their cards. 

“This may be the only card some of these men get, so think about that when you’re writing them this weekend.”

Getting to the last letter, you feel your stomach twist as you read your actual government first name in the familiar chicken scratch handwriting instead of your pen name. You hadn’t even realized that you had stopped dead in your tracks until the sound of the bell brought you back to your body. 

“U-uh, ge--get your letters done by the end of class Tuesday!” You yell over your class as they begin migrating out of the room.

Quickly, you return to your desk and rip open the letter. Unsurprisingly, it’s once again covered in artwork. The pumpkins and bats and other Halloween inspired art felt out of place, putting in perspective how long it had been since your last letter. But before you could look much further into the writing your next class began to file in, forcing you to set the letter aside for later. 

You’d felt nauseous the rest of your morning classes, You wracked your brain about how the hell your pen pal could have figured out your actual name. You may have been...a little tipsy when you wrote that letter a month ago, but you’re sure you didn’t say anything personal enough that he would know who you were. Could he have asked someone on the outside to look into you? No, Mr.Bridges assured you that the inmates don’t know what school they are writing to. Maybe Bridges said your name to someone at the jail and the inmate overheard?  

As soon as the bell rang for your lunch period, you practically rushed your students out the door and closed it. Throwing yourself into your chair, you grab the letter and begin reading. 

“Well, well, I wasn’t expecting to be getting more lore in your newest letter! You have a very cute name by the way…Sorry I hope that wasn’t weird. Anyway! I guess I can tell you my name, too. Call me Eddie.”

  Eddie. 

So you had included your own name in your letter somewhere. You sigh with relief, though it still makes you a little uncomfortable that this stranger knows something personal about you. Sure he’s been nice, but he was still a felon. Though knowing his name made you feel a little better. Made him feel a tad more human to not use silly nicknames.

“Can I start by saying I loved reading your last letter?” Your eyebrows raised in surprise.“The purple pen was a nice touch. Something about a teacher complaining about other teachers is really funny to me, too. Nice to know the torment of some teachers isn’t just limited to students! And I doubt your kids think you’re stiff or whatever. You seem pretty cool to me. Even if I’ve only gotten to talk to you through a couple letters, you talk to me a lot nicer than I probably deserve.”

The smile that had made its home on your lips from his sentiments dropped into a frown. You felt yourself wanting to get defensive, wanting to tell him that he shouldn’t think that way about himself. That even if he was a felon, he still deserves respect.

“Being a younger teacher must be hard. You did all the college stuff to be a teacher so that should be enough to get their respect in my opinion. I don’t think I had a teacher who wasn’t at least in their 50s so they probably can’t see anyone under 30 as anything other than a kid I guess.”

“Hit the nail on the head,” you say to yourself with an airy chuckle. 

As you keep reading, he changes the subject to something you don’t remember asking in your previous letter.

“So you wanna know what I look like, huh? Well back before I was in here I would wear my band shirts, Metallica and Judas Priest and all the bands that make the old ladies cringe. My jeans had holes in them, too. And I have this battle vest that I’ve put together with some patches of my favorite bands on it. My uncle Wayne says he’s keeping it safe for me at home. It’s not much, but I learned how to stitch patches on by myself, so it means something to me. Gives me something to look forward to when I get out.” 

Your mind paints an image of a gangely teen trying to look cool to impress his friends or scare off the old ladies at the mall. Sounds like the kind of guy you had crushes on in high school. There may have been a picture or 2 of Kirk Hammit or Vince Neil or Eddie Van Halen tapped to the inside of your locker door in high school, but you’d never admit that now.

“I also had long hair when I was younger. Can’t call yourself a metal head without having long hair ya know. But I’ve had to cut it since I’ve been in here. I’ve got pretty curly hair and it was getting hard to keep up with it. It’s short enough to keep out of my face most of the time. I’m actually due for a haircut, so thanks for reminding me! Hair cuts are free in prison so I get it done way more than I ever did on the outside. You gotta tip your barber though or else they might “accidentally” shave all your hair off next time. Learned that one the hard way.”

He goes on to answer some of your questions about the inner workings of the jail. They do get to work out a lot, but says he’s not a “big meat head” like some of the other inmates. He doesn’t like basketball for “personal reasons” so he prefers to run laps. “When you’re trying to get out of a big fight it’s better to be faster than stronger.”

“I am also proud to admit that I have never stabbed someone. Almost been stabbed myself, but I used to get my shit rocked in high school so I’ve learned to dodge over the years.” Your hand comes to your face, almost forgetting that you asked such a stupid question. Of course he hasn’t stabbed anyone. You could excuse it if it was out of self defense maybe. But then you recall him saying before that he doesn’t get “messed with”, so what is he doing that people aren’t bothering him if not stabbing them? Your head spins with possibilities as you think about it more.

As you are about to read on, you are interrupted by a knock on your door, the sound causing you to jump in your seat. Quickly closing the letter and shoving it into your bag, you rush to the door to find a student from your 3rd period class, a shy one at that, needing clarification on the newest assignment. You let her in, forgetting the letter for the rest of the period. 

The rest of the period then turns into the rest of the day. It goes by like a blur as everyone seems to be getting last minute things turned in for the week. Grades for the upcoming report cards would be due by the end of next Tuesday, so you told your classes to get any missing work in by today and you would give them partial credit. It was setting yourself up for a busy weekend, but anything to keep your mind off the upcoming holiday was welcomed. 

It would be your first Thanksgiving single in almost 10 years, and your 4th since your mom passed. Your soon to be ex-husband, Henry, had convinced you to move to his hometown of Hawkins after your mother died to be closer to his family and to help his dad’s business as his accountant. It wasn’t your first choice of places to live, and after looking back on the situation, you realized that he had used your vulnerability to get a lot of what he wanted. 

Things seemed fine at first. His parents bought your house and he had a good paying job. All you had to do was cling to his arm and keep quiet. You were kept well manicured, your appearance catered to his liking as he paraded you around at office parties.

The not so hushed whispers from the women in his office always talking about how lucky you were to bag an older man reached your ears. But you kept your tongue against your cheek. They could be jealous all they want, because if they knew what happened behind closed doors they wouldn’t be singing the same tune. 

Waking up early in the morning, way before he ever did, just to put on your face. God forbid you weren’t presentable to him always. Afterwards you’d iron his white button ups and khaki slacks, make him a huge breakfast, present his clothes to him, and be waiting by the door on your knees for him to use your mouth before he walked out the door. 

At the time, you felt like you had a purpose. That being a housewife was what you were meant to be. But the degree you had worked so hard on stared at you as you cleaned the house everyday. Your passion was just in reach, boring you every day.

That is, until fate, and the well timed retirement of your predecessor, gave you the opportunity to start teaching that year. When you got the call, you were over the moon. Henry even said he was proud of you. 

Until you forgot to iron his clothes. It was just a stern talking to the first time, an anger in his eyes like you’d never seen before had you on edge the entire first day of class. You made it up to him by waking up extra early, using your mouth to start his day since you couldn’t be at the door for him anymore.

But, then you started falling behind on chores during the week as grading papers took up most of your free time when you weren’t tending to his needs. It’s not that you didn’t clean, it just wasn't the only thing you had to do every day anymore. Passive comments about becoming lazy were brushed to the side until they collectively spilled over into your first big argument. You told him he could help, too. He smacked you across the face. 

Too busy juggling work and cleaning the house full time caused you to miss the signs that things were declining. It started when Henry had to start staying late for work, claiming that they had a “big project” that was going to require him to stay over longer. He made it seem like a temporary arrangement that ended up becoming a pattern for months. But, he assured you that a raise could come from his hard work. So you continued to sit at home, a cold, untouched plate sitting across from you as you finished another bottle of wine. At least he wasn’t there to put his hands on you.

Then it was the pair of panties that you didn’t recognize when you did his laundry. When you confronted him, he told you that it must be a pair you owned back in high school that was mixed in with his clothes somehow when you moved. When you pressed on, he gave you a black eye. 

Then it was the perfume you didn’t recognize on your pillow case when you came home from a weekend trip to see your new nephew. He told you it smelled like your perfume, you just hadn’t been home all weekend to smell it. You didn’t argue this time.

Then it was his father’s secretary, Missy, calling your home and telling you that she was sleeping with your husband. She had been nice at last year's Christmas party when you first met her. Nineteen, dumb as a box of rocks.

“Are you and Henry still married?” she had asked with her valley girl accent, “Because when I stayed over I saw that he still had pictures of you two at his house.”

Now you’re stuck in this tiny town, your closest relative being your brother who has his own family out in Chicago. Thankfully, you had made friends with the ever charming Steve Harrington, who’s father also worked with Henry. He came as a package deal with his roommate Robin Buckley, and the two of them quickly became your best friends. They were as blindsided as you about Henry’s affair and helped you move into your new apartment. Steve offered to let you live with him and Robin, but you didn’t want to live in the same house as your ex’s coworker, even if he was never there.

“We should make a grocery list for next week.” Robin called from the kitchen to where you and Steve were sat in the living room. “Do we want to bother making a turkey or should we do something easier?”

“Do you know how to make a turkey?” you asked looking over the top of your wine glass as she taps a pen to paper scowling.

“She can barely make a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, d’ya really think she can make a turkey?” You watch as a roll of paper towels is launched from the kitchen into the side of Steve’s head and your laugh erupts.

“Well, then were fucked,” you say between giggles, “because I can’t make a turkey, and I know Steve “grabs a pan without a mitt” Harrington also can’t cook one.”

“Oh, that was ONE TIME!” 

Steve goes to throw the paper towel roll at you, but you dodge, “One time is enough to never let you live it down, Steven. Maybe we should get some chicken instead.”

“Oh, I can make us some potato salad!”

After some back and forth about what to make for your “Friendsgiving” as Robin had been calling it, claiming inspiration from a new episode of Friends, Steve was begging to talk about anything else. 

“School seems to be better this year,” he looks at you carefully, “You haven’t been talking about it as much lately. Not negatively at least.”

“Yeah the only thing you’ve complained about is that prison thing your class was supposed to be doing.” She looked at you with a look of curiosity, “How’s that going?”

You blink and suddenly remember the letter that you had gotten earlier. It was sitting in your bag back home where you had left it on your coffee table again. You were so busy getting ready to go to Steve’s that you had forgotten to finish it.

“It’s going okay. Hey, did you guys go to high school here?”

They both look at each other, then back to you. “Yep, graduated a year after dingus, though. Class of ‘86.”

Steve gave Robin an annoyed look at the nickname before returning his attention to you, “Why do you ask?”

You pondered for a moment if it would be okay to tell them about Eddie. The program was supposed to be anonymous, but that was just to protect the kids. If he wasn’t allowed to give you his name they would have confiscated the letter, right? Bridges said the letters were vetted both ways, so if it was a problem he would have told you. But this seemed like a breach of privacy. You only had a first name to go off of and a vague description. He never said his age, so could be older than even you, or younger than Robin. 

“Um, do you guys know anyone that goes by Eddie?” 

They both perked up at the name, giving each other a look that you couldn’t read. You swore they could communicate telepathically.

Steve was the first to speak after a moment of silence. “Yeah, we know an Eddie. Why?” His tone was curious as he side eyed you.

“Oh, well my pen pal from the, uh, the prison thing. See his name is Eddie, and he told me that he’s from Hawkins. I don’t know much about him, but I think he may be close to my age and maybe he was in school with you guys-”

Robins laugh caught you off guard. “If it’s the same Eddie we know, then yes he was in school with us. Way longer than he was supposed to be, and we didn’t really get close until the end of my senior year.”

The look on your face prompted Steve to elaborate, “Eddie was -- is, a friend of ours that we got to know better through a mutual friend. He did go to prison a few years ago, but it was because he was scapegoated by a guy he bought weed from. We thought he was gonna go to jail for, like, the rest of his life or something. I had to convince my dad to get our lawyer that he keeps on retainer to represent him in court. The guy owed my dad a favor and he did it, Eddie only got five years.”

“There’s no way,” you said incredulously. Your jaw had to be on the floor. You knew this town was small, but was it really this small? Robin and Steve would be the type to forget to mention they had a friend in prison, too. 

“What’s his last name?”

“Munson. Eddie Munson. We still talk to him on the phone every once in a while. Usually his uncle gets a hold of us, tells us that he’s going to call at a certain time so we can stay by the phone. Oh!” Steve stands up from his spot on the couch, clapping his hands, “I have my senior year book up stairs. He should be in it as long as he showed up to picture day.” 

As Steve walks away, you turn to Robin, who has an amused look on her face.

“What?” You laugh, still in disbelief at the information that has been given to you. She shrugs, lips turned in a downward smile, “Nothing. So what do you and Eddie talk about?”

“What do we talk about? Not much really. We’ve only sent maybe two letters to each other. He always covers the letters in artwork though. They look like little tattoos.”

“Yeah, that’s definitely our Eddie,” She shakes her head, “His notebooks that he would carry around with him are covered in art. He told us he’s given himself some tattoos while he’s been there. We keep telling him he’s going to look like a felon when he comes out.”

“Isn’t he a felon, though?” 

“Yeah, but he doesn’t have to look like it!”

“Found it!” Steve yells as he comes back into the living room, blowing the dust off the book. He plops down on the couch between you and Robin and starts to look through the pages. “See, the funny thing about Eddie, he was supposed to graduate in ‘84, but he kept fucking around and ended up repeating his senior year -- three times.” 

“Holy shit,” you were in absolute disbelief, “he told me that in one of his letters. He said he was because the teachers didn’t like him, too.”

“Yeah, that sounds like something he would say,” Robin chuckles. 

“Ah-ha, He did show up! Here he is right here!”

Your eyes snapped to where Steve’s fingers pointed to the tiny black and white square. Eddie wasn’t kidding when he said his hair was super curly. The close up of his face makes his hair almost completely take the background out of the picture. You can barely see it but it looks like he’s wearing a Judas Priest shirt under a leather jacket and what you suspect to be the leather jacket he seems to treasure so much. When you finally let yourself focus on his face you’re met with a bright smile and dimples on either side. Dark eyes scrunched up from how high his cheeks were. You definitely would have had a crush on him if you had gone to the same school. 

“Soooo…what do you think?” Robin sing-songs with an expectant look on her face. 

You can feel yourself smiling and try to reign it in, “Well, he’s not a 40 year old biker looking guy with a beard so that makes me feel better. He looks nice, actually.” 

“He’s a good guy,” Steve starts flipping through the pages of the book, “but everyone gave him shit because…of…this.” Stopping on another page in the book, you see a picture of a group of students leaning up against a wall, all of them wearing matching shirts. 

“Hellfire Club?” You look between Steve and Robin. 

“He hasn’t mentioned Hellfire Club?” Robin was baffled. “That’s like, his whole thing!”

You shake your head, brows furrowed,“What is it?” 

“His D&D club? He’s seriously never brought it up?”

“No, not yet at least.” Taking the book from Steve, you get a better look at the picture. “Like I said, we've only sent a few letters back and forth. I wouldn’t say we’ve exhausted all of our topics for discussion yet.”

“You’ll never run out of things to talk about with Eddie,” Steve states sarcastically, “You’d think prison would have had an effect on his social skills, but that guy could talk for an hour about a crack he saw in the sidewalk.”

Hearing that made you wonder if he ever held back when writing to you. His letters were usually front and back all the way to the bottom of the pages. You wonder if they only allow him one page or if has to pay for the paper. Hopefully he wasn’t wasting his money to talk to you. 

“When was the last time you guys talked to him?” 

“Uh-“ Robin starts.

“It was still hot outside I think,” Steve interjects, “Like early September?”

“Yeah,” Robin nods, eyes wide, “September sounds about right.”

“Hmm, that’s around when we started writing to each other. I guess he wouldn’t have mentioned it if he didn’t know about me yet.” 

“If it’s been that long we’re definitely due for a call from him.” Robin looks to Steve, you miss the mischief in her eyes, nor do you see the look he gives her back. “Maybe you could talk to him next time he calls us?”

Your head snaps up, eyes wide meeting Robin’s gaze. You saw the look now and immediately started shaking your head in protest. 

“No, no, Robin I don’t think that’s a good idea.” You stand up from your spot on the couch, handing the yearbook back to Steve. Taking a few steps back to look at them, you bite one of your nails, thinking about the situation you’ve gotten yourself into. “Actually, if he does call, I’d also appreciate it if you didn’t tell him you knew me either. I’m sure he’s a nice guy but…”

“Hey,” Steve stood up and placed a hand on your arm, “It’s cool. You didn’t know Eddie before, and you barely know him now. I think Robin just meant that you could get to know him more since he is our friend. He’s gonna get out of prison eventually and we promised him that we’d just continue on like how things were before.”

“But,” you look at Steve with worry in your expression, “being in prison that long can change a person.”

“Eddie is too stubborn to let anything break him of being himself. He didn’t repeat his senior year twice because he’s dumb. He did it because he was too busy with what he wanted to do to bother with his schoolwork.”

“Actually,” Robin says, “he said prison is easier because he gets three meals a day and doesn’t have to do math, so…”

“But,” Steve gets your attention again, “My point is that you don’t have to go out of your comfort zone to be his friend for our sake if you don’t want to. Just keep talking to him on your own and see how you feel.”

You swear these two really were the only good people in Hawkins. 

“Yeah, okay,” you nodded,” I’ll keep writing him, but I won’t mention that I know you two. Not yet at least.”

November 27th, 1994

Ever since your talk with Robin and Steve, your nightmares have changed. Now that you have a face to the name they’re not really nightmares anymore. Instead of a nameless, faceless voice at your door, you can see him through the peephole. He’s not knocking on your door with rage, but out of desperation. Still begging to be let in, but the lock is on his side. You hold the key in your hand, you just have to slide it under the door…

A sharp, grating ring wakes you from your sleep, eyes shooting open and taking in the room around you. The sun peaks from behind your bedroom curtains, the light just bright enough to pester the hangover migraine that’s already in full effect. You have to strain to get your eyes to focus on the numbers on your alarm clock that read just past noon. 

The continuous ringing of the phone finally throttles you out of bed and into your kitchen. When you pick up the phone you hear Steve on the other end. 

“Oh, good, you lived,” he exclaims, “Robin, she’s still alive!”

A muffled, “oh thank god” comes from the background in the receiver. You hadn’t anticipated being so emotional the night before, thinking you were past feeling sorry for yourself that you were alone on a holiday while your bastard ex had someone keeping your side of the bed warm every night.

All the emotions came up at Steve’s during dinner. It was just the three of you there, all with broken families. They had other friends who were home for the holidays, but they were doing their own thing this weekend. Robin and Steve insisted that you join in on the festivities but you declined, using not knowing them as an excuse.

Really you just wanted some alone time. Time to yourself, to let yourself feel whatever you need to feel without having to mask in front of strangers, brush off any awkwardness if the topic of your failed marriage were to arise. 

You think Robin and Steve could tell that you were in your own head. They suggested taking you out to the only dive bar in town still open on the holiday, and assuming the place would be pretty dead, you said fuck it and all piled into Steve’s car. Sharing drinks and playing pool while metal music that made you think of your pen pal. You wondered what he was doing as you stepped outside to smoke a cigarette you bummed off an older, balding guy sitting at the bar. 

After drinking so much that Robin had to drive your car home for you, their phone call really didn’t come as a surprise to you. 

“Yes, god, I’m alive. Don’t yell into the phone, please.” You pinch the bridge of your nose to try and relieve some of the tension. The phone call is brief, Steve just wanting to check in on you and confirm that you didn’t want to participate in their outing. 

“We’re going ice skating! And if you can’t skate, our friend Max would enjoy having someone sit on the sidelines with her.”

“Sorry, Steve,” you press your forehead against the cool wood of the door frame, “I’m sure everyone is very nice, but I’m just not feeling up to it.”

After a few cups of coffee and a long shower, you settle on your couch, flipping through the channels on the tv for something to watch and settling on a Beverly Hills: 90210 rerun marathon. It didn’t take you long to lose interest and you began fidgeting for something else to keep your mind from wandering into dangerous territory. 

Out of the corner of your eye, you see your work bag on the floor at the end of your couch. The memory of tripping and knocking the bag over last night comes back to you, making you internally cringe at yourself. You grab the bag and see that the contents were an unorganized mess compared to how you normally keep it. The longer you looked the crazier it made you feel, so you carefully took the papers and folders out, laying them in front of you. 

When you picked up your first period folder, the familiar envelope that you had forgotten a week ago fell out, landing in your lap. You quickly pick it up and open it, remembering that you hadn't even had the chance to properly finish reading it. 

Something about seeing the letter again made you feel good. As you look at the artwork, you see the picture of the shirts his club members wore and smile as you realize he made the shirts himself. 

You reread the description of himself and can laugh because he must have worn the same thing every day, recalling the holes in his jeans and his battle vest from his pictures. It was hard to imagine the wild mane of hair he had being cut short. Do they get conditioner in prison? Because his hair must be a mess without it. 

Finally, you get to the part of the letter you hadn’t read. You felt your heart beating in your chest, an anxiousness building that you couldn’t explain. 

“I’m running low on space to write and I don’t know when I’ll hear from you again, but I just wanted to ask-“

You’re thrown off when you see two lines of the letter have been blacked out with a black marker or sharpie. There’s no way to make out what was written, and the last line is just him wishing you a “happy whatever holiday you celebrate,” his real signature greeting you at the very bottom of the page. “What the hell?” You asked the empty apartment. The first assumption that comes to mind is that Eddie must have messed up what he was going to write and decided to black it out since he wrote in pen. Or maybe he wanted to write more, but realized he was running out of space? That would go with your theory that they are limited in the paper they can get. 

There’s also the possibility he said something inappropriate and whoever checks the letters made him redact it. That was probably the least likely, but it makes you laugh to think about. Robin and Steve brought him up a few times while you were drinking and gave him the highest praises. But, you never know what someone would be willing to say or do when they’ve been touch starved for almost 5 years.

Butterflies invade your stomach when you think about it more. He’s probably had to take care of himself quite a bit while he’s been locked up. Where does one even do that in prison without prying eyes?

Your thighs clench together at the image you’ve conjured in your head. Steve had shown you some pictures of Eddie that he found from not too long before he went to prison. Sure, he resembled his yearbook picture, thin and lanky he once was. But the picture of him and Steve at a lake, both of them shirtless and clearly soaking wet, displayed muscles that he had likely gained from the mechanic job Robin mentioned he had. The tattoos that he had on his body were taking over, almost covering one of his arms completely. 

The image of soaked curly hairs clinging to his face as he’s leaning into a shower wall comes to the forefront of your mind. Toned arms flexing as he holds himself against the wall with one hand, stroking himself with the other. You imagined his hands were rough and calloused from playing guitar and working on cars. He was long and hard as he pumped himself, water dripping off the tip with each down stroke. God, you can only imagine his face as he cums, a loud groan falling from his lips as he spills onto the shower floor, calling your name…

You throw yourself into the couch cushion next to you and physically cringe. Where the hell did that come from? Was this the result of your dry spell since you left Henry? A guy that you’ve never even met before gives you a little attention and your brain automatically goes into the gutter. Sitting up, you rub your face in your hands in an attempt to keep the scenario from replaying in your mind. At least you had successfully distracted yourself from the self pity you were wallowing in. 

You roll onto your back, holding up the letter in your hand. You admire the artwork, the sloppy handwriting. A person wrote this letter. Someone who did something illegal and paid the price for it. Someone who is very loved and has an uncle waiting for him somewhere in this town, and friends who would do anything for him. And now, he’s writing you letters, and you wonder if he is feeling the same way that you are starting to feel…what are you feeling, exactly?

Sitting up from the couch, you grab a pen and paper from your bag.

“Hello Eddie” no.

“Hey, stranger” no.

“What’s up!” definitely not.

Another balled up paper tossed to the ground. 

“Dear Eddie,” sure why not, “I hope you are having a wonderful holiday season yourself. Hopefully your uncle can come and see you for whatever you celebrate. If not, at least a phone call would be nice. Does the prison give you anything special for the holidays? Like a turkey for Thanksgiving, ham for Christmas, the traditional stuff. I spent the holiday with-”

Steve and Robin. You know them! I know who you are, too. Totally not weird, right?

“-my friends. They called it “Friendsgiving,” I think it had something to do with a TV show. None of us like to cook, so we ended up just picking up stuff at the store and then going out to a local bar. I’m writing this letter the next day, a little hungover I have to admit. But, writing this letter has helped distract me from the migraine I’m trying to stave off. It’s been very busy at school lately with projects, exams, a choir…thing? All that means for me is that I have mountains of paperwork to grade, and I spent the last month trying to get kids to turn in anything missing. It’s like trying to get squirrels to stay in a basket.

Winter break is just around the corner, though. Which means two weeks of getting to sleep in late, watching terrible TV reruns, and using the cold weather as an excuse to stay inside. Although, I think my friends will manage to get me out of my apartment one way or another. I feel like a cat who was adopted by two dogs who share the same brain cell. But, they have helped me a lot over the last couple of months so I owe it to them to be their voice of reason sometimes.”

You pause and have a laugh to yourself. You think about all the ridiculous adventures the two of them have taken you on in the last few months, doing things that you would never have done before Henry. They’ve taken the hard metal bones out of your binding and started loosening the strings. You wonder if you would have even said yes to doing this letter thing if you hadn’t already had your boundaries pushed a little.

“I hope this isn’t too much to ask, but do you have any big plans for when you get out? Places you want to go? Food you want to try? People you want to see?”

You smile when you dot the last question mark. It feels sneaky to ask when you know that your meeting is inevitable, and there is a small voice in your ear telling you that he wouldn’t want to meet you. You’re boring. Simple. Dull. Only shades of grey fill your wardrobe, your heart, where there was once colour. Broken.

The new bottle of wine you got at the gas station stares at you from the kitchen.

Anyway.

“Hopefully you’re able to get out in time for the summer. Wouldn’t it be nice to walk outside as a free man and get to feel the sun on your skin? I think Hawkins is having a Rose festival again next year. There could be some inspiration there for you for your art, and if not, the funnel cakes are worth the admission price. Everything else is overpriced, but what isn’t nowadays?”

Filling the last bit of the back of the page, you felt it only fair to give a few details about yourself. Just a general description, nothing too revealing. Not that there was much to give away since becoming a professional educator has taken any creative freedom from your sense of style. You did tell him that on the weekends you treated yourself by wearing comfy clothes all day. You didn’t tell him that you only felt okay to do that recently, since your ex husband always expected you to look your best.

As you reached the bottom, you remembered the redacted section of his last letter. Do should you ask about it? Would he even be able to tell you? You went ahead and brought it up.

“Before I close this letter, I am curious to know why the last bit of your letter had been marked out. I can only imagine what you could have asked that it had to be taken out. I hope it wasn’t inappropriate, Mr.Banished.” You added a little “ha ha” in parentheses so he knew you were just joking, careful once again not to offend.

“Looking forward to your next letter,”

You signed your name, fighting the urge to draw a heart next to it like the girls in your class writing notes to their crush. There was no way that feeling like this for someone that you’ve only had correspondence through letters and the bit of hype from your mutual friends can be healthy. Grabbing the box of greeting cards that you had sat on the coffee table, you wrote some well wishes and folded your letter to fit within the confines of the red envelope. You took a look at it for the first time since Bridges had handed them over and your heart dropped. 

In one of the ethics classes you took in college a classmate did a presentation on Pendleton Prison. It had just come out the year before that there had been an abuse of power and prisoners were basically being tortured. It was hard to observe but informative. You couldn’t even imagine something like that happening to Eddie. You wondered if the reason they were participating in this program to begin with was to help with their reputation. We’ll let them talk to some kids and it will seem like we’re not abusing our inmates.

You look at the wine bottle again.

It’s fine. If Eddie was going through something like that, surely he would have told Steve and Robin, his uncle. But you wanted to be sure. You walk into your kitchen.

December 25th, 1994

“…You can say hello when you see me. You don't have to be afraid. There's a lot of things going around about me, but none of it's true. Okay?”

Your eyes flutter open, and you quickly close them when the harsh light of your tv playing Home Alone was too bright. Another dream about Eddie had taken over your mind in your sleep. You sit back to the door, the key in your hand. He doesn’t push you anymore, says to only give the key if you want to. That he enjoys your company no matter what. 

Sigh.

As you sit up from the couch where you had dozed off the night before, you decide to make a cup of coffee and ring your brother. 

“I could have come to get you. And brought you back. You know I don’t mind-“

“No, no, it’s okay, really. You have your own family now, I don’t want to dampen the mood,” you say as if you mean it. Coffee swishes around in your mug as you talk. It was true that your brother had a family of his own and was living the American dream. You liked that he invited you to be part of that, but you just couldn’t get past the notion that everyone would just look at you with pity. You’d rather be alone

Steve and Robin also invited you to Colorado with them. Steve’s parents had a house in Aspen where they were hosting Christmas this year. Steve insisted his parents wouldn’t care if you tagged along since they started to become fond of Robin. As much as seeing the beautiful snow covered mountains of Colorado sounds like a great reprieve for your mind, you still lied and told them you were going to your brothers. What they didn’t know wouldn’t hurt them. 

The sound of Kevin McCallister’s hijinks in New York got your attention. The movie distracted you for a while, until it didn’t. You watched the tv -- well, rather you looked at it for until you stood up, deciding to get out of the house, even if just to drive around.

The movie-esque scenery of small town Hawkins covered in snow was quiet and still, say for the few cars that you passed likely on the way to see family, traveling between houses. Something you and Henry did to make things fair for both of you. Your mom’s house first, then his parents.

Cars sat outside the Hideout, piquing your interest as you watched a man get out of a pick up truck and walk inside. It was close enough to five o'clock that you decided to pull into the lot, pulling into a spot by the door. Inside you were surprised to see it fairly occupied, mostly by men who looked like they worked at the factory in town or drove the big rig that was parked on the side of the building. The patrons seemed to talk amongst themselves, some semblance of holiday cheer keeping their spirits alive as their glasses clanked and boisterous laughs filled the air.

Sliding into an empty bar stool, you grabbed your purse to get your ID and some cash. 

“Ain’t ya little young to be sittin’ alone at a bar on Christmas?”

You looked up from your purse at the man sitting next to you at the bar. He sipped from his glass, cigarette smoke seeping from his lips, attention set on nothing in particular. He was an older man, bald on top and plenty of aging on his face, but you had the feeling he was younger than he looked. Some of his features felt familiar to you but you weren’t sure why.

“Um, well, I guess so,” you stutter as you set your purse down between your feet. “But, uh, I really didn’t want to spend Christmas alone.”

A hum and a nod, “I guess loneliness knows no age.” He huffed a laugh before getting the bartender's attention. “What are you drinking?”

“Oh, no, please, you don’t-” you begin to protest, but he puts his hand up and waves you off.

“Trust me,” he takes a long drag from his cigarette, “I would be buying it for someone else if they could be here.”

Ah. You tell the bartender your order and the man tells him to put it on his tab. 

“Thank you,” you give him a genuine smile, turning towards him to speak as the bar patrons become louder. You paused for a beat before speaking again, “I’m sorry you’re alone today.”

“Makes no difference to me really, just another day to me,” he takes a sip of his beer. You almost miss it, but you see the flash of a smile on his face. 

“Just another day, huh,” you say smugly, dipping your head into his line of vision. He must have realized he was smiling because he covered his hand with his mouth shyly, the motion a contradiction to his hard exterior. Clearing his throat, he sat up in his seat, opening from his hunched position to talk with you properly.

“It’s just another day, always been to me, but,” He looks at you for a moment, then back down into his beer, “I used to celebrate, for my boy. Haven’t gotten to do that properly in a while. I’m hopin’ this year will be the last, that next year will be different.”

His endearment made your eyes misty. “That’s so sweet,” you coo, putting a hand on coat covered arm, “I’m sure things will work out.” You pull back when your drink is dropped off, quickly taking a few sips. 

The man watches you, his head shaking in your peripherals. “So, what’s really got ya out here celebrating with Hawkins finest? Besides the, uh,” he gestures vaguely, “cheerful atmosphere.”

You stay quiet for a moment, eyes focused on the straw floating in your drink. Deep breath in, and out. “Do you want the half truth or the full truth?”

His body bounces from a chuckle, “I got a little time.”

Pouring your heart out to a stranger over drinks felt therapeutic, and not in the same way as talking to Robin and Steve. He just listened, nodded his head, grunted in what you assume to be agreement. This man, who looks like he hasn’t taken a day off in his life, made you feel more valid with no words at all than anyone else has in your entire life besides your own mother.

“And now I’m, like, kinda into this guy, but he doesn’t know I exist,” your words are a little slurred as you take down another drink. “Sorry, no, he knows I exist, but he knows nothing about me. Like, he knows some things, but he doesn’t really know me, ya know?”

His head bobs up and down, takes another drag of his cigarette.

“I feel weird feeling this way, because I would never have even considered a guy like him before. Henry, I told you about Henry, he was super uppity, snotty. A real tight ass. But, this guy is funny. Genuine, and his friends talk him up. Who wouldn’t fall for a guy like that? Even if he is rough around the edges.”

“Well, if it doesn’t work out with you and this guy, I outta introduce you to my nephew. He was always picked on in school for being different, but he’s a good kid. Just got into the wrong stuff,” the mans face sunk a bit, “My fault really.”

You tilt your head in confusion, “How so?”

“Heart attack. Had one while at work. Stayed in the hospital for a few, got the bill and almost had another one,” he chuckles at that. “I wasn’t even gonna tell ‘em, but he came over to visit and I forgot about it. Saw it sittin’ on the counter. Next thing I know he’s callin’ me sayin’ he’s booked on ‘possession with intent to distribute’. Buncha bull for some grass.” He put his cigarette out with a harsh stab. “But, he’ll be good soon. My deadbeat brother’s been keepin’ an eye on him in there and he’s been keeping his good behavior streak.”

“He sounds like a good kid,” you rest your cheek against the cool counter as you smile up at him.

“Yeah, he is.” His smile reaches his eyes, and so does yours.

“Well, gotta go, darlin’,” he slaps a couple bills on the counter and nods to the bartender, “Excpectin’ a call here soon. Get you some pretzels or somethin’ before ya take off.”

“Thank you,” your brows come together, “sorry, I don’t think I ever caught your name?”

“Names Wayne.”

“Nice to meet you, Wayne.”

thanks for reading.

[emeraldenha]

MIXTAPES.

pairing: idol bf!taesan x gn!reader | genre: idol au, established relationship, fluff, slight angst | w/c: +1k words | warnings: overworking, reader is a college student

You always wished the two of your schedules would align better than this.

Not that you weren’t well aware of the hardships of dating an idol. It wasn’t designed to be easy. Rather, it was anything but easy.

Just when your boyfriend, Taesan, got the day off, it happened to be the day in which you were bombarded with due dates from all your college courses.

So here you were, slouched across your desk, fingers glued to your keyboard, while Taesan was sitting on the edge of your bed offhandedly brainstorming lyrics onto his notes app. You felt guilty for boring him and making him wait, but he insisted that anything was fine as long as the both of you were together. Even if that only entailed being in the same room.

“When do you think you’ll be done?”

It isn’t until then that you notice he’s no longer positioned by your bed and is instead standing directly behind you, hunching to the point where his chin ghosts over the top of your head.

“I’ll be done soon enough! I just have to power through it,” you promise.

Taesan rests his hands on the back of your chair and observes you for a moment as you continue working, gradually losing focus of the words jumbled on the screen before staring off into space.

“Hey, I love you and everything but I get a little self conscious when you’re peering over my shoulder like that. It makes it a little hard to concentrate,” you hesitantly comment, lips curled up slightly to signal that you weren’t really mad or annoyed. You just needed to get things turned in so you could spend actual quality time with your boyfriend.

“Sorry,” he quickly apologizes. He shuffles his feet until he’s leaning against the open door frame. “Do you need anything? Snacks, water…?”

“I’m okay,” you reply dismissively, already back to being immersed in your studies.

Taesan leaves your bedroom to find where he left his bag in your apartment. Spotting it on the couch, he searches through the front compartment until he pulls out what he’s been meaning to give you for weeks now. Headphones, check. Cassette player, check. Mixtape #1, check. Carefully taking the mixtape out of its case and plopping it into the player, Taesan’s face heats up by the sheer embarrassment of gifting this to you. However, he knows that whatever he can do to make you happy will squander his embarrassment any day.

Getting caught up in his busy lifestyle, sometimes it takes him a bit longer to realize just how hard you have it too. You work yourself to the bone yet are so patient and understanding when it comes to him. He wants to be there for you, much more than he physically can be.

When he reenters the room, he sees your lips pursed, eyebrows stitched together by a needle of stress. It’s the kind of expression you make when you’re stuck.

Taesan isn’t sure if he should bother you again but decides that it’s a risk he’s willing to take.

Pressing play and setting the device aside, he tucks your hair behind your ears before placing the headphones right over them. His hands then linger to brush through the strands of your hair, as if your inability to hear has somehow obstructed your other senses too. You let him off the hook this time. The gesture is thankfully more calming than distracting.

“Ah, Oasis, right?” You instantly recognize the voice and melody of the song despite not being able to put your finger on it. “Which album is this again?”

Taesan loves sharing music with you, and it’s a passion of his that you’re glad he’s introduced you to, because it consumes such a big part of his life that you like being a part of as well. Though despite having his favorite songs and artists, he rarely ever shows you the same song twice. It’s always something new.

You also never miss out on supporting his own group’s releases, spending time on the phone just to let him point out the lyrics he wrote or any other insider facts from song to choreography to music video shooting. It’s like a whole other world from how he describes it.

But when he admittedly gets sick of hearing the same songs over and over again in the practice room, he’s listening to the thousands of other songs on his playlist for hours before he goes to sleep. He makes sure to send you one by the end of the night, and he plays it as soon as you’ve seen the text so it’s like you’re there listening to it with him. He also has a collection of vinyls—vinyls that’d be all worn out if he didn’t keep them in such pristine condition—stacked away in his dorm, and even a small bundle of slightly lesser used cassettes, which you’re assuming is what he brought for you today in his portable, faded blue cassette player.

“Oh, it’s not an album actually,” he answers, nervously blurting out the words before he can stumble over them. “It’s a mixtape.”

“For me?” You point to yourself, eyes wide in surprise.

He gives you a shy nod. “It’s nothing, really. Just some songs that remind me of you.”

Songs that remind him of you.

Trying not to reveal how flustered you are by the statement, you swivel your chair away from him and face down at the desk. “Thank you.”

He hums, even though he knows you can’t hear him over the blaring drums and guitars kicking in.

But despite that, you can still sense his gaze on you, so looking over your shoulder, you give him a soft smile and say, “I love you.”

As you turn back around, Taesan is finally able to take his eyes off you, letting himself lie back all the way on your bed with a peaceful sigh.

“Love you,” he whispers to the ceiling, because although you still can’t hear him, the words will always reach you anyway. Whether said or unsaid or sung in song, his love will always reach you.

main masterlist

[thoughts-on-bangtan]

Let’s talk: Tae’s IG Story song (analysis/discussion)

First I’d like to just talk about the song as...song without getting into the lyrics. It’s a beautiful song with an airy, driving song vibe to it, much more upbeat than what we’ve previously heard from Tae within and outside of BTS’ music, but at the same time it sounds very much like a song he would make and sing, still having that sense of calm, warm and comforting to it. His voice is a dream, the richness and depth of it being showcased so beautifully and allowing him to sing in a range that feels more natural to his baritone vocal. Sound wise, especially the instrumental, gives me sort of a similar feeling to the sound of the entirety of Troye Sivan’s debut album, Blue Neighborhood, which, in a way, could explain his sudden recommendation of a Troye song some time before he posted his song in his story (though that Troye song was far more recent than Blue Neighborhood, so I might be reaching).

But we’re not really here to talk about the song in such a way, right, instead we’re here to have a look at the lyrics and see why every vminnie ever just sat there crying on sns because the song just sounds so vmin. And yes, I agree that we shouldn’t try and make every song Tae writes and shows us about his bond with Jimin, but in this case there are just too many reasons that point in that direction for me to ignore it, or to think that it’s just a coincidence that could easily be dismissed. There are no coincidences with lyrics, not with someone like Tae who puts so much thought and care into the music he makes and the lyrics he writes. 

If an “analysis”/discussion from such a standpoint isn’t your cup of tea, that’s fine, I guess we’ll read each other again next time, for everyone else, let’s get into it!

I think it’s important to mention that Tae said that he wrote this song a while ago which leads us to wonder if perhaps this may be the song he said that’s like 4 O’Clock but better. Yes, he mentioned how he’d deleted all the songs he had for his mixtape but this one might’ve survived the purge? So, if we look at this song from a vmin lens, I think it’s rather clear that this song isn’t a pining one (not a pre-relationship one) but rather what would happen much later down the road after Sweet Night, as in the speaker getting their second chance and things working out for the speaker and the spoken to (therefore them having an established relationship instead).

Travel with me Don’t you want to get away? Don’t you want to run away? I can take you anywhere Ride with me anywhere/anyway

If you have a car you can, theoretically, take someone wherever you’d like, and from their stories, as well as Friends, we know that Tae and Jimin like going on rides together at night, thus travel around (at least) the city and have a moment of play pretend, of getting away, of being just them. It reminds me of how during the early years they would sneak out at night without telling anyone (thus get away) to spend time together at the nearby park/playground. They’ve also mentioned how they would like to travel together but for now that isn’t possible, more of a dream they can look forward to fulfilling one day, because they are who they are and other reasons.

4 am in the night Sunrise is on the way Just take a hold of me Cause I’m ready

4 am is universally known as the vmin hour by basically everyone within ARMY, because of the dumpling incident as well as because of 4 O’Clock and Tae telling us last year that the song is about him and Jimin. He could’ve mentioned any time, he could’ve also not specified any time at all, and yet he chose this one, specifically.

4 O’Clock also mentions dawn, the time between 4 am and when sunrise arrives. But unlike in 4 O’Clock where sunrise signifies the end of that blue moment shared between them, here Tae sings about holding on and being ready meaning that sunrise and the passing of that blue hour has no effect anymore, that what they have doesn’t fade away because he’s ready. For their love, for everything that their relationship entails, that even sunrise can’t scare him away anymore.

And the light will guide us to a million stars My love, just hold my hand And the end is you and I, and the clouds will disappear So hold on tight

With this I couldn’t help but think of the picture Tae posted on twt of him beneath the starry sky over Hawaii, and of how, years prior, Jimin and Tae spent every night during BV2 watching the stars together. It’s something they love, and something they enjoy doing together, a shared moment. But there’s also the connection that can be drawn to Friends, how one is from the moon and the other from the stars, both part of the night sky, as well as Jimin associating Tae with Standing Egg’s Little Star years prior.

And here, just like in the prior passage, Tae is asking him to hold on tight, that they are it (the end if you and I), a unit of sorts, and that they can basically make it through any challenge (the clouds will disappear).

Holding hands is also a very vmin thing, ARMY even making jokes and keeping track for fun of how many times vmin find some kind of reason to hold hands in near any BTS content simply just because. It doesn’t even seem like they need a reason, it’s just something they do.

And in the air, I wanna show you a happiness And show you all my colors to you Just tell me you love me then I could give everything And that will be the best part of me

For years they’ve said how all they wish for when it comes to the other is for them to be happy, as well as Jimin saying that Tae is the happiest when he is with him. So perhaps it was Tae’s “turn” to show him that he can also be the happiest when they are together, a sort of happiness that they can only have when they’re together.

Show you all my colors to me sounds like both a callback to 4 O’Clock and the mention of blue in it, but also an expansion on it, that he wants to show him every side of himself, every shade and nuance, and not hide anything anymore. That it’s enough if he assures/reminds him that he loves him and then he’ll be able to give him all of him, all of everything, and that once that happens, it will become the best part of himself, the one that loves him in such a way and is able to be honest and genuine about it without holding back. That sort of thing takes courage but also immense trust, and after everything they’ve went through and all the years they’ve known each other, it seems like that “threshold” was reached long ago. Besides in Friends they sing about knowing each others everything and being each others mystery.

Shake my hand let’s promise When the heart misses one another Talking about “are we gonna make it?” I love you it’s so easy This song is that, that you ever wanted (?) I’m gonna pray a prayer, you show me baby

Again, just like the hand holding, the handshakes are also very vmin, as well as their habit to make lots of promises, small trivial ones and big weighted meaningful ones, just like they sing about it in Friends (Seven summers and cold winters /and more to come / Many promises and memories / and more to come). We’ve seen them do pinky promises many times across the years, one of the more recent examples coming to mind being during ITS1 while they were in the car and Tae promised Jimin to write him a song. 

Besides, back during Let’s BTS Tae mentioned how he doesn’t get to/doesn’t say it often (or what he would deem often enough) and thus wanted to use his chance to very publicly remind everyone, including Jimin, that he is the person he likes most. He’s his person, the one he chose and with whom he worked so hard on forming this kind of beautiful soulmate bond that they have (because yes, relationships take work and care, aren’t just a thing that happens and stays on its own). And we know from the past that Jimin likes to be reassured (likes to be loved) and can get a little jealous/possessive (as per his own words back in 2019) so a song as romantic and dripping of love as this one, what better reminder could anyone ask for?

Are we gonna make it in this case shouldn’t be taken as doubt or uncertainty but rather a very adult question to ask, especially in their situation as both idols and two people living where they do. But keeping in mind the way the sound sounds, so positive, and how the lyrics sound, the answer to that question seems fairly obviously to be yes, we will. It’s a reassurance and not doubt, like when you’re working on turning a plan into reality and ask the person you’re working with that “we’ll make it, right?”. It’s a good and healthy thing.

Looking at this song, looking at everything we’ve seen of vmin across 2021, there is no doubt in my mind that they are in a good place, their bond as stable and as strong as ever, or even stronger than ever before, and their love so beautiful and clear.

As for the video, I think it’d be worth noting that it was taken during the day, a relatively sunny one despite the clouds, with the camera in the passenger seat (Tae in a Mustang convertible with his hair flying in the wind, what an absolute vision). Perhaps it really was as Tae said, he played the song because the mood was right, but on another level it could just as well play into the whole theme of the song, of being brave and showing your love, that they can be with each other and hold on to each other not just at 4 O’Clock but any time, even out in the daylight.

From anon: Do you think T/K are doing this cause a subunit is coming & to show they arent hidden? And do you think V saw the hate against JM & T/K/K losing their minds so he was like here, have another Vmin song? I might be stupid & biased but the song has Vmin written all over it. I think Vs making it clear JMs the one he loves, while also promoting his subunit with JK coming. Or do I sound stupid? 4 am? Stars? Promise? Hold my hand? Hello? Vmins specialty. How can I not think of JM with Vs lyrics? Do y’all?

I’d say I’ve answered the second half of this ask above, so I’ll instead focus on the first half. With Tae and JK and them posting selcas together on their respective IG accounts, I think it’s a great way to build up “hype” (like anyone in BTS needs to create hype lol) for an upcoming subunit. With how much they’ve mentioned working on music together, and now with their posts, that seems pretty obvious and, to be honest, I’m excited for it. And also very curious what a Tae and JK subunit song might sound like, in which direction they would go, etc.

As for the hate against Jimin, that is a very misguided side effect of shipping and one we see every time one of the XKook ships gets “braver”, or feels more “confirmed” in their believes due to whatever (sometimes it’s due to the most trivial things, and sometimes just because), and thus concludes that “hm....well, I see the other ship as competition which means the second part of the other ship (in this case Jimin) is an issue so I must go and be a f*cking idiot about it”. The same thing also happens when the other XKook ship feels brave. Currently I’ve even seen XKookers throw JK under the bus because “how can he do this to Jimin?”. It does make me wonder what exactly happens in their heads, and if anything does at all. Do they really think that if Tae and JK were together, and Jimin were “interfering” (or whatever idiocy they’ve come up with this time), they couldn’t be adults about it and talk to him themselves? That they don’t need a slue of misguided idiots online to do it for them?

I don’t think there’s a connection between the Jimin hate and Tae deciding to post the song to his IG story though, especially since the video was filmed way before we got here.

What this situation shows us, for the millionth time, is what I’ve always thought: many shippers (especially the hardcore believer/supporter variety) aren’t here primarily for BTS’ music and them as a group and for shipping as a secondary fun thing, but rather their priority lies solely within their ship and proving that they are right and everyone else is wrong. Seeing XKookers have a meltdown whenever the other pairing posts anything, it’s a fairly good indicator of this being the case. 

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it a million times more: shipping is supposed to be fun, but the moment you reach a level where you develop hate against other members because of your ship and their fantastical warped version that exists in your head (and within your ship fandom), that’s when you’ve gone way too far and need to seriously take a step back and reevaluate what you’re doing.

[buckleydiazmp4]

for @emeraldcas follower celebration!

day 1 - prompt: words unspoken

1.3k words

read below or on ao3

Tonight, Dean's brain has decided it's the perfect time for a little screening of Everything I Regret Saying (Or Not Saying) To The Love Of My Life.

Dean's not good with words. Never has been. Sometimes when he was a kid, he'd spend days without talking. By now, he's figured he just has to show instead of tell, otherwise he'll send every relationship he has flying off a cliff simply because he doesn't know how to say what he's thinking.

With Sammy it got easier eventually. He's learned to understand him without words, to know what he's thinking, how he's feeling. Dean's sure Sam knows how much he loves him, even if he rarely tells him. He's very grateful for that.

With Cas, though, things are different. It's not that he's better with words, it's actually the opposite. He wants to tell him so much stuff that he ends up not saying anything he truly wants to. And then they end up hurting each other, because neither of them knows their way with words. If there was a prize for miscommunication, they'd certainly win first place.

So, every time Dean says something wrong, he feels like a teenager with an embarrassing crush, mulling over his own words, regretting them even years after having said them. It's like an endless cycle of self-loathing, which he's an expert on.

Sometimes it's not even his long, big speeches that have the most meaning behind them, but the little sarcastic quips here and there, or the small, quiet sentences spoken in moments of uncertainty. Those are the ones that rewrite themselves in his heart, like lines of a poem carved in stone.

"Cas, we've talked about this. Personal space." I want you to be close to me all the time but I'm scared you'll just want to walk away.

"Morning, sunshine. Want some coffee?" I love that you're here. This is your home.

"I'd rather have you. Cursed or not." There is nothing that could ever change the fact that I love you.

"I need you." I love you no matter what.

"Of course I forgive you." I never wanted you to leave.

Then there's a look of sorrow, or a hug, a pat on the shoulder, a mixtape...

There's always something, and yet that something never seems to be the words that have been lodged in his throat all through the past decade.

Holding the weight of his regrets, Dean lays back on his memory foam mattress and stares at the ceiling. He pictures Cas' eyes from memory. The way they droop when he's tired, and sparkle when he's curious. The way they squint when he's angry or thoughtful, almost cartoonish. I love him, he thinks, with an ironic chuckle. I love him, and I'm never gonna be able to tell him.

Just as he's about to start round two of his self-loathing ritual, there's a knock on the door.

"Yeah, come in."

Cas walks in, wearing a pair of Dean's plaid pajama pants and a Zepp t-shirt. He's holding two steaming mugs that carry the smell of ginger, and his hair is all over the place.

"What's so funny?" Cas asks when Dean starts laughing.

"Dude, you look like a hedgehog."

Cas does not seem to be happy about Dean's comparison, judging by the squint of his eyes. But that just makes it funnier, so Dean smiles deviously at him until the angry facade is gone, replaced by soft, ocean-blue eyes.

"Dean, it's four in the morning. Why are you not sleeping?"

"Well, I could ask you the same thing."

Cas sighs. "I was making some tea." He says, handing one of the mugs to Dean. It warms up his hands when he holds it.

"At the crack of dawn? Sounds like someone's got a bad case of insomnia." He says it like it's a joke, but he's worried. Again, not good with words.

"Yeah. Maybe I do." Cas says in a raspy voice.

Before regretting it, Dean pats the spot beside him two times, signaling for Cas to sit down. Cas walks the short steps towards the bed and sits down slowly, careful not to spill his scalding tea mug on himself. Then, he lays his head back against the headboard and closes his eyes.

Because Dean has no self-control, he scoots closer to the former angel and stares. His eyes trace the slope of his nose and the curve of his eyelashes, and the way his jawline is pointing upwards. He suddenly gets the urge to trace it with his fingers, to feel the stubble growing there. A wave of longing hits him like it's done a thousand times before, and he does nothing to stop it.

A second later, Cas' breath startles Dean out of his internal thinking. That's when he realizes how close their faces actually are. His first instinct is to move away, maybe say some joke about personal space, but he finds himself unable to move an inch. Cas is just watching him intently and shamelessly, and it occurs to Dean that maybe he's not the only one who likes to observe his best friend like he's a renaissance painting.

Since his body has decided to become a full-time statue, all Dean can do is stare at the wooden headboard next to Cas' face. Then he clears his throat quietly and replaces what he wants to say with something else, the way he always does.

"Maybe you could, um, stay here. Y'know, to help with your sleeping problems. A different mattress might, um. It might help."

Cas takes a little while to answer, long enough for Dean to start panicking. But when he's about deflect his offer with a joke or a change of topic, Cas nods. They're still close enough that his hair tickles Dean's forehead when he moves his head.

"Yeah. It might help." Cas says, matching Dean's small, tense tone of voice.

Dean's brain stopped working the minute Cas sat on his bed, but the rest of his body doesn't seem to have gotten the memo. It's moving on its own, and a second later, his forehead is touching Cas'. He feels electricity run through it, like his skin is made of lightning. If Cas weren't human now, Dean wouldn't dismiss that possibility. Dean does his best work to assess the situation, but all he's coming up with is a repetitive whisper of Cas' name inside his otherwise empty head. He does the one thing he's never been able to do, which is voice his exact thoughts out loud.

"Cas..." he whispers, feeling their breaths mix together.

Cas has always been braver than him, so he's the one who closes the gap. He presses his lips against Dean's, so ghost-like and soft that he's not sure it's real. To test that theory, Dean's brain finally restarts with a jolt, and then he's pushing forward, deepening the kiss, which he's now sure is actually happening.

Cas returns the kiss like he's been drowning for ages and can finally breathe again. The electricity Dean felt when their foreheads touched is dialed up to a hundred where their lips are sliding against each other, like tiny little fireworks exploding against his skin. Despite the surreal feeling of kissing the man he's been in love with for ages, it also feels like home. Cas tastes like ginger and honey, and that cherry chapstick Dean bought for him at the grocery store.

Dean traces Cas' jawline with his thumb the way he was imagining just a few minutes earlier, which pulls a sigh out of him. The stubble tickles his skin, and it feels so good he thinks he might explode. A million words unspoken fly through Dean's mind, but he doesn't need any of them at the moment.

They break the kiss to take air, but their foreheads stay in place, aligned with each other perfectly. Cas smiles, and it's nearly blinding. I love you, Dean thinks, except this time, he's sure he'll be able to tell him in the future.

[norimiya]

Confessional Mixtapes

a/n: does the title even make sense??? Not really.

Kawakami Norifumi x Gn Reader.

warnings: miyuki and kuramochi for the two seconds their in it /j but there’s none. Unintentionally 420 words.

“You made me a mixtape?” He asks, jaw slack as he stares at the scribbles along the cassette label.

You nod, “I figured since you liked music I could just— you know it’s hard to explain.” You laugh, lowering your head.

“No, I understand!” Kawakami exclaims, shaking his head vigorously. “I actually made one for you too.” He chuckled, digging through his bag.

You watch him silently, feeling your cheeks tingle as you catch a glimpse of a neatly decorated cassette case in his hand, eyes widening at the note that hangs from it.

“Here,” he says, opening your hand and placing the cassette in the palm of it. “I’ve been meaning to give it to you but I never found the right time.”

You gaped, thumbing the neatly folded note. “Nori…”

Laughing again, he rubs the back of his neck, a light red hue crossing his cheeks. “The note might scare you a bit, me too since I can’t remember what I put on it, so you can read it if you want?”

“Out loud?”

He glanced around the room, seeing Kuramochi and Miyuki eyeing the both of you, creepy grins crossing their faces when you unfold the note.

“Probably not.”

You nod, eyes flickering from his to the neatly scribbled note.

Dear Y/n,

I don’t know when this is given to you, or if, but I hope you enjoy the songs on here. They were a bit hard to choose without being too obvious so I really do hope you understand what I’m trying to say.

And if not and you’re still reading this, I like you. A lot.

You hum as you finish it, folding it back how it was. Kawakami looked at you with an expectant face, waiting for you to tell him what was on the note.

“I have to get to class.” You say, his eyes widening at your dismissal. “Walk me out?”

He nods, slowly getting up from his chair, gently grabbing your bag, and walking beside you. “You’re not going to tell me what was on it?”

“No.” You answer, taking your bag when he handed it to you. “But, I will one day.”

“That doesn’t really make sense.” He says slowly, furrowing his brows when you stepped closer.

Leaning up slightly, you place a kiss on his cheek, lowering your head when you back away. “I’ll see you after practice, Norifumi?”

Nodding, he lifted his hand to his cheek, a noticeable blush covering his face. “Yeah, I’ll see you then.”

[btsandvmin]

Ask: Reply - 2021.04.16

Time to answer some more of your questions. I have a lot this time, and still a lot left I’ll have to save to another post. You are all very good at being curious and asking interesting questions. There are also some asks that are replies to old asks, and then I’ll include the link to the referenced post.

This time the topics will be:

Ask 1 - About KTH1 and expectations Ask 2 - KTH1 spoiler with “Oh lady” Ask 3 - Vminies getting superiority complex Ask 4 - Not dismissing the bond between Vmin and the other boys Ask 5 - Other people’s words can influence your thoughts Ask 6 - Vmin not sharing rooms in Bon Voyage Malta Ask 7 - Has being a Vmin shipper always been so overwhelming with all the content? Ask 8 - “Just a friend” interview Ask 9 - The garnet necklace Ask 10 - Vmin in CMs Ask 11 - Taehyung uncomfortable about shipping/tae*kook? Ask 12 - What did Jimin write on his shirt in Run ep. 53? Ask 13 - Gina Maeng ask follow up Ask 14 - Vmin’s love is beautiful (and so much nice praise omg)

Today’s post is a long one... Enjoy!

Ask 1 - About KTH1 and expectations

Ok, so I did write a shit post about this... (I mean… This is literally all Vmin’s songs so far ), but I still think your questions are worth a proper answer.

Honestly I think speculating about KTH1 is kind of hard, and as seen in the shit post I am quite torn with my expectations... In general I am the type who doesn’t like to expect too much in fear of being disappointed. I rather be pleasantly surprised. That being said Vmin does have a track record of getting involved in each other’s songs. I mean a lot is just speculation of course, but we do have confirmed cases as well, enough to not be too surprised if they would keep it up and do something for Tae’s solo album as well. (Tae saying his mixtape would be named Jimin back in 2016 still haunts me.)

On the other hand, they have already given us a lot of collabs. Adding more would feel more like a statement, at least if it would be only Jimin out of the members on that album. The thing is that if Vmin would have something “real” or at least if they are a bit careful with how they come across... I am not sure they would do something too “obvious”. But where such a line would be drawn is impossible to know. I mean clearly they managed to write and sing Friends and it worked fine, even if they did get more attention as a ship.

We also know Tae has been quite loud about Jimin in ways that single him out, so maybe they would really dare push the boundaries as far as actually including Jimin in the album somehow. It’s also very possible there could be other members, and honestly we probably shouldn’t hyper focus too much on it and that it has to mean something no matter if anyone is on it or not.

I think one of the rappers being on it is probably more likely out of the members, but it seems Tae has shown an interest in collabs with people outside of BTS, so that’s kind of what I am expecting the most. No matter who in the group is on it I am sure fans will make a big deal out of it, and maybe Tae would rather have his own thing for his first album. I really don’t know how his thoughts would go.

But again, looking at how Tae and Jimin has talked about working together, and have had moments like Tae promising Jimin a song or Tae saying they will work together again... It’s definitely not impossible to get another Vmin song. I do feel it’s more likely for any connections to be vague and not instantly noticeable though (at least not anything romantic looking because we know what happened to the Christmas song). Especially considering how they have only recently revealed things like 4 clock’s inspiration more openly and had Friends followed by Sweet Night. My main stance for any possible real ship is still that they have reason to be careful, and yet another Vmin collab, on Taehyung’s first personal album would probably raise some eyebrows considering everything else we already have. But it could also be me over analyzing them, and maybe they just really like and want to work together. Tae for sure has after all been vocal about this preference and want to work with Jimin.

So yeah, on one hand they have a track record that is hard to ignore... But on the other I wonder if they might want to add another “point” for ARMY to look at them and their songs. I also don’t want to assume that if there are songs on there that sound romantic that they automatically will be about Jimin. There will have to be legit possible connections for me to acknowledge them.

It’s tricky. I guess we will have to wait and see. I am kind of scared both that there won’t be anything or that there will be SOMETHING. Thank you for the ask, and I hope I shed some light on my thoughts on this subject. Either way I am very excited and looking forward to an album full of Taehyung’s own songs and the stories he wants to tell.

Ask 2 - KTH1 spoiler with “Oh lady”

I am not sure it is “lady”, since it’s a bit unclear in general. He also has a part that just seems to go “do be do” and I don’t know if the lyrics are even finished or if he worked with someone else etc. We basically lack a lot of information. But even so using lady/her/she etc. in a song doesn’t have to mean it is about a specific person or that the person is a she or that it is Taehyung’s own feelings (I know he said he usually sings about things he have felt, but just saying it doesn’t always have to be). 

Of course I don’t want to downplay it and say it doesn’t mean anything, but considering their fanbase is majority women, they live in a homophobic country and he has even been denied to sing a romantic song with a man before, it’s not impossible to add that to make it more “relatable” or less “gay”. God, that sounds terrible. I don’t want to start discussions where we don’t take their words for what they are, so I hope you might understand my point of view. That being said of course it could just as easily be to or about a specific woman in his life that we don’t know about. Or as you say, he isn’t actually in love but is simply writing love songs that could be inspired by non-romantic relationships or movies etc. as was the case for his inspiration for Winter Bear.

Tae also used “she” in Winter Bear, and that seems a bit forgotten. Or people try to say it has to be about his grandmother... Which we obviously don’t know, it’s just the woman people jump to since he used “she” and many people don’t like the idea of him dating a woman or writing about a woman we don’t know. Either way I think we need to remember that anything is possible and we don’t know them personally and how they think or why they choose to do what they do.

I think we need to remember that there is always going to be the possibility that ships aren’t real, that the romantic songs aren’t about Jimin and that either one of them could be in a relationship with someone else (all genders included).

Ask 3 - Vminies getting superiority complex

Hello! I want to address something that has been bothering me for a while now. I have been seeing some vminnies have a superiority complex just bcoz they ship vmin. Its very rampant among new vminnies and twt vminnies. I get that we all feel validated and happy when out OTP claim to be soulmates and bff. I feel that way too. But people have to remember that vmin are real people and their relationship is dynamic. Like they did grow from bff who used to tease e/o and fight alot to soulmates who are gentle and caring. Who is to say that one day they wont drift apart (i hope not and dont think thats gonna happen but for argument sake) so there is no reason to feel superior or look down on other shippers. 

If people think vminnies are superior bcoz they are not toxic they probably know they are lying. Lbr i have seen my share of toxic vminnies though may be a lesser number but they are there and its not the ship but its that particular person who is at fault. While i agree that some ship theories cultivate hate and toxicity there may be people among those ships who are just as sane and good as we claim to be. I just wanted to address this bcoz seeing some vminnies on twt saying locals thinking vmin were tgt after coway add is a validation kind of triggered me. I m sure there would have been similar responses to any other ship bcoz they all have been tgt for a decade and are very comfortable with e/o. I just wanted to talk to someone about this and i know you have discussed similar topics in the past. So yeah this was very long.

First of all, on request I won’t show your name, but thank you for sending me this and letting me know who you are. It’s always nice to know who is behind the question. But that being said I don’t mind people asking on anon, I totally get it being a lot easier to ask or question things when you don’t have to reveal yourself. Either way I am just glad to get interesting and important topics and I do think the things you bring up are worth talking about.

As you say, there is this thing when people start to feel and act superior for various reasons, and I too have seen some Vminies do this. Getting a lot of moments is sure nice. But honestly, just imagine if another ship came and mocked Vmin or gloated every time they got more moments. It has surely happened too, and I am sure it doesn’t feel very nice when on the negative end. Just be a decent human, ship moments will always vary and it’s great to be happy about getting moments, but there is no need to compare or look down on other ships. I say it again, shipping is not a competition, just enjoy your own ship and let others enjoy theirs.

As for feelings superior based on group behavior I think we really need to stop looking at groups and start looking at individuals, both when it comes to groups we are part of and groups we consider “bad”. I have said it many times, but individuals of other groups we don’t agree with won’t all be bad, or all stupid or young etc. We might want to tell ourselves they are worse, but it really doesn’t change much. 

Being “less bad” it not a merit and it shouldn’t be a competition. We all have our own selves to answer to and we should judge other people based on their actions and not based on what group they might belong to.

I think size and the toxicity of a narrative can lead to more people in certain groups behaving in toxic ways... But I think any person could happen to fall into these behaviors if not careful and aware. Often the change is gradual too, or you feel attacked by the other “rival group” and thus feel it’s justified to attack back, and so it escalates.

Vminies are at the moment as a group smaller, and thus have less “bad apples”. We likely also have a narrative for Vmin that doesn’t require as toxic mindsets, for example extreme jealousy or Vmin being forced to hide. But there for sure are still toxic Vminies, and there are also a lot of non-toxic shippers in all groups. Usually the louder ones are also the worst ones while the chill and nice will remain in their own lane and ship more peacefully. But being part of a smaller group doesn’t make you superior, your actions is what is important.

As for small moments getting noticed or other types of “validation” for your ship, of course it’s going to feel nice. However, what people see and think of any relationship in BTS is still just an outsider view and literally has no meaning for their actual relationship beyond it being a cute moment. That’s why size and popularity also doesn’t matter as any kind of “proof”. Interpretation will always just be interpretation, good or bad, if you like it or not.

Sadly I think we will get more and more toxic behavior from more ships as the fandom grows and as some things get more normalized within those ships’ communities. It’s about certain behaviors growing into a community culture... The more toxicity that is allowed the more others will follow. That’s why bringing up the problems is important, but trying to do so without shunning people so that they don’t go and create their own space where everyone else is the enemy. After all, being open and welcoming and understanding is much more likely to make someone listen and even change their mind than by attacking them.

I answer for my own actions. So does every person. I don’t want to be judged for everything every Vminie or ARMY or Multi K-pop fan etc. has done. Generalization is a huge problem in general, not just in fandoms or ship wars. I do try to be a positive influence, to not judge too harshly and to remember that being hostile won’t help any situation. But that’s about it. I am glad you brought up this topic, because talking about it is important, but sadly I don’t think there is a lot that can be done about it. Just try to be nice and open minded.

Thank you for the ask, I hope you all understood what I wanted to say.

Ask 4 - Not dismissing the bond between Vmin and the other boys

Thank you. I really see no need for it. It’s clear as day that they all love each other, and even if one pair would happen to be romantic instead of platonic that won’t change. We don’t have to compare and we definitely don’t have to downplay the moments they share with each other. All shippers should at the very least accept the the things they do and say as mostly genuine. I trust BTS and what they show us, it’s that easy.

I know some also get influenced by toxic fans, but we really need to remember that no narratives by fans matter when it comes to reality and what bonds BTS share with each other. They are all great people and seem to have such love and respect for each other I frankly don’t understand how you can be a fan if you think any of it is played up to the point some claim.

Likely no ship in BTS is real, but if any is, to me I am sure the ones involved would be happy and supported by the rest of the members. That’s why it doesn’t really matter what ship would be real or not real as long as they are happy. We shouldn’t let our own views and sometimes want or hopes affect the way be judge their reality. This applies for things outside shipping as well.

Thank you for your kind words. :)

Ask 5 - Other people’s words can influence your thoughts

Indeed. The brain is a powerful thing. This is very obvious if you are a multi-shipper or a general fan, but BTS truly has a lot of questionable moments between all kinds of pairs. Focus is a interesting thing. If you like something you will notice it more, and you will also remember it more while you forget other moments. Likewise if something is “negative” like a rival ship you are likely to notice them more as well. This happens even if you just watch the general content and get your own bias. Imagine then how it might influence you when others keep repeating either your happy interpretations or things you worry about? You’ll get it stuck in your head and remember it more than other things.

Like isn’t it funny how we might gush about Vmin sharing beds, or worry about ji/kook or tae/kook cuddling while hope/kook literally sleep wrapped around each other in both Bon Voyage 3 and 4? Sometimes it’s all about perspective.

By now we need to realize that fan perspective will influence us a lot. And in particular if a lot of people say it or if it is presented in a way that makes it sound logical and intelligent. Words have power. 

I still think using “Vmin is dead” or spreading worry often in itself leads to people thinking it and it being somehow accepted as fact. In similar fashion getting to hear about certain ships or certain narratives will make us notice things in relation to that. My own words and posts too will have influence on some people that read them. That’s why I try to be so careful, and why I try to avoid using strong words or claims that might cement themselves in someone’s mind. (I’ll actually talk more about the power of language in my big analysis as well)

Thank you for your input, it’s definitely an interesting thing to consider and another aspect of why shipping mentality is so complicated. 

Ask 6 - Vmin not sharing rooms in Bon Voyage Malta

Hi and yes, I have answered this before HERE, but it’s ok. I know it’s not easy finding old topics amongst my collection posts.

Collection of asks - BTSandVMIN Collection of asks 2 - BTSandVMIN Collection of asks 3 - BTSandVMIN

In short I think Vmin wanted to share rooms but that Taehyung got fooled when Jimin stopped him from checking the upper room. Because it seemed like Jimin stopped him from walking into that room by saying he couldn’t peak Tae probably assumed it wasn’t Jimin’s room and that when Jimin said it was his room he was joking (his face was definitely something). So yeah, I think he just got fooled by Jimin’s statement about not being allowed to look inside the room before picking. There are other interesting things about this whole moment, but the one thing we should take away from it is how it is one out of now many examples that seem to show that Vmin have a preference to share rooms/beds. Thank you for the ask. :)

Ask 7 - Has being a Vmin shipper always been so overwhelming with all the content?

I wouldn’t say it’s something recent. I say it often, but we really do get very intense periods from time to time with many of the ships. For example in February 2017 with ISAC, fan signs and everything else we got a lot of Vmin too. I remember being overwhelmed myself, and that was coming out of BST era Vmin. We got many moments every day and that’s just one specific period I can remember. 

 Over the years sometimes we do get these very intense days or weeks with a lot of moments at once. Usually I get asks like “do you think something is up with Vmin lately” or “wow I can’t believe how much Vmin we have gotten lately” but really, it’s hard to tell, because it really does happen from time to time. I also still say we always get Vmin moments regularly as long as we get BTS content, but sometimes a bit more and sometimes less. I am sure there will be more times when we also get “Vmin is dead“ and worried people because we get less moments than they expect. It just happens, up and down and around it goes.

As for what ships are big I will definitely say Ji/kook and Tae/kook are the biggest, but that all BTS ships are big by now. Meaning as soon as we do get moments it will be seen online. Especially if you follow people who talk about it of course. I also think what platform you are on can result in some ships being seen more than others. For example I know ji/kook is by far the biggest BTS ship here on Tumblr while Youtube seems to have more tae/kookers.

Thank you for the ask. Let’s hope Vmin keeps overwhelming us. (But let’s not start to worry if they don’t) ;)

Ask 8 - “Just a friend” interview

Ah yes, I have a bit of a soft spot for this interview myself. I am not sure, but I think it might be from 2017 (since Tae wrote a birthday letter to Jimin in 2016), or at least that’s when I found it and saved it down. I haven’t actually tracked the original source. You can find the translation in the link shared HERE, credits to @95z​.

Seeing this close after the chaos of Let’s BTS and other letter confessions it really does seem very cringe for them to express sincere thoughts in these more formal ways. I can’t blame them. 

I do think this interview is yet another example of how much Vmin has tried to adapt to each other, learn and be more open with expressing how they feel. They literally inspire and learn from each other in how to express themselves. Isn’t it completely endearing? 

I also love how they get each other to feel strong emotions and how they are there for each other when in need. On a slightly more analytical note I also can’t help but note the “just a friend” vs “soulmate” descriptions and how they seem to have a hard time putting it into proper words. We already know this of course, but yeah... They really don’t have an easy time describing their relationship.

Thank you so much for sharing this moment. I was going to talk about it in my big analysis anyways, but honestly I can’t save everything for it, and you mentioned it so who am I to keep it to myself.

Ask 9 - The garnet necklace

Oh yeah, I know that JK wore it once and that the talk was that a fan gave it to all of maknae line. Not much was ever confirmed from what I know, but regardless it doesn’t change why I think it’s a Vmin/soulmate necklace and why I see it as special.

Here is the thing, when I use “Vmin thing” it really doesn’t have to be exclusive. To me it’s the context around it and how they have used it and even reacted to it that makes the garnet necklace something special for Vmin. In the case of the soulmate necklace Vmin wore it a lot. Almost constantly during a big part of 2017 and even a bit into 2018. They also wore it at the same time a lot. I find this very cute, and we all know “couple items” is something all fans enjoy even if it would just be a platonic relationship behind it. But if both of them wearing it was all there was, as a lot of Vmin sharing clothes (or BTS in general sharing clothes) I wouldn’t really think too much about it beyond it being cute. It could still be just a cute thing that Vmin did, but I personally see it as something beyond the normal clothes/jewelry sharing.

(At the very least you can remember Vmin did this while people thought their relationship was dead, which doesn’t make much sense to do if you hate or dislike someone.)

The things I find more noteworthy about this necklace is the fact that the fandom picked up on it and because they wore it so much and so often at the same time it was dubbed the “soulmate necklace”. Possibly knowing this Tae also brought specific attention to the necklace at two times, as if wanting to show it off. Interestingly enough, in one of these times Jimin seemed to ignore Taehyung who was bringing attention to it on purpose. For me it came across as another thing Taehyung wanted to show off and that Jimin was a bit more careful about. 

Of course I could have read it wrong, maybe Jimin just misunderstood. But even so, Tae did bring attention to it in specific relation to Jimin. You can watch the clip HERE. (BTS Tell Us What They Love About Each Other & An Update On Tony & Nate From America Hustle Life) 

The other time was in Run ep. 39, right after Vmin talked about being in school together and showing off their school uniforms. If Tae is the one to try and highlight something, I feel it likely has some meaning to him at least.

Either way the necklace is basically a symbol of Vmin’s relationship and the fact that they liked it so much and wore it together during a long period I think they liked wearing it not only because they both happened to like the design but because they both had it. If JK also had one and didn’t use it of course it could include him, but I will still say it remains significant for Vmin’s bond with each other.

As for buying a necklace together they haven’t talked about this one in particular, but Tae did mention he bought his tiger necklace with Jimin in NY, so maybe you are mixing the two things up?

Ask 10 - Vmin in CMs

Thank you for loving my blog and for the ask! :) I am not sure if you perhaps meant in a lot of BTS own photoshoots/units as well, but I’ll focus on CMs in this post since that was your direct example. I might go a bit beyond here, but I saw it as a good chance to revisit some Vmin ad moments.

I wouldn’t personally say we have gotten “way more” but I do think because of their Friends unit they got to do some more interviews together and some CM stuff too. I also think we have gotten more BTS commercials in general now, likely because it’s an income alternative to touring during the pandemic. So that obviously means more CMs, and more chances for them to be paired up. They also have gotten paired with others of course (like in the Bodyfriend CM or Baskin Robbins), but most commonly they aren’t divided in smaller groups at all.

We also have gotten Vmin paired up before, both in photoshoots and in CMs. Of course we saw some great ones in 2016 with Puma and NUGU, but I don’t think we got that much more in 2016 and before than in 2017-2019. I think what we can see is BTS having more endorsements after Covid.

Like honestly, the Puma adds are iconic. Of course the original one, but also the revisits from 2018. Puma definitely seemed to like to pair Vmin in particular. (There are so many good examples from Puma that I’m not including)

We also got a snippet in the Hyundai one, also from 2018.

Another snippet from the Coconut Chicken ad from 2017.

I mean, I don’t know if I should count the snippets at all, like from BTS x VT cosmetics in 2019, but I feel sometimes just being seen in the same frame seems to get attention as being paired up so. (I decided to not include being together when it’s at least a third member in the frame)

And guys... Have you ever watched BTS and the milk song?

What did we get so far more recently? In 2020 we had the Hyundai interview.

And the hyundai #PositiveEnergyChallenge

Fila provided a nice one, also from 2020.

Samsung gave us a snippet recently.

Coway was basically couple goals and like the best one in my own opinion (besides Puma because it is going to take a lot to beat Puma).

But other than that? I don’t think we have seen it that much, have we? I am not complaining or anything, like I am happy with what we got, but I don’t know if it’s that much. I might forget some obvious ones, but these were the ones I had top of mind. Feel free to add ads if you can think of more recent ones that I left out.

So I think we have gotten more BTS ads in general, also more where they are not all of them or single focus, and that we have seen maybe Vmin getting paired a little more after Friends. But to me there is such a small difference I can’t really say if it is anything particular to Vmin or just BTS doing more CMs.

I mean, I don’t have a sheet of who has been paired with who and how many times over the years. But either way I don’t think we should look too deeply into things like CMs or even photoshoots units. Thanks for the ask though, I hope you enjoyed this mini collection. :)

Ask 11 - Taehyung uncomfortable about shipping/tae*kook?

So this is a thought sent in after THIS ASK though it really brings up a new subject, which is that of Tae possibly being uncomfortable with shipping. As for Tae saying that to a tae/kooker in particular I think we have to remember it could very easily just have been in the moment and we can’t know why he decided to reply to that person in particular.

The Vmin post was not invasive and it wasn’t romantic. I mean, I do think Tae keeps showing again and again that if there is any person in BTS that is special to him it’s Jimin. But the difference in the posts also likely matters, but we can’t know how much. We don’t know if Tae would feel annoyed if a Vminie wrote the same thing as the tae/kooker did, and we don’t know if it was just in that moment that he got fed up with the shipping discourse in general, or if it was because it was tae/kook.

Honestly any shipper, regardless if a ship would eventually prove to be real or not, should not go and invade spaces where the boys get exposed to it. We don’t know if Taehyung would have reacted in a similar way if it happened to be another ship.

Personally I don’t think tae/kook drifted apart as a result of shipping, because honestly they still kept being pretty intimate physically and engaged in fanservice on stage etc. If they truly were uncomfortable with the idea I just don’t think they would “feed it” much at all. I think as they said in ITS they just, kind of changed and it became harder to talk. I’ve talked more about tae/kook and my views on their bond in THIS POST and a little in THIS POST as well as about BTS possible stance on shipping HERE.

I also think all of BTS has a pretty good distance from hate and fandom speculations in general. I think that because they know about shipping and partly also feed into it they probably expect crazy people to some degree as well, even if they probably don’t like it. Hetero shippers as well, or solo stans etc. have very toxic behaviors at times, but I think BTS can recognize that it is kind of “bound to happen” with their popularity, no matter what they do about it. Not saying they would like it, and they could definitely feel awkward or annoyed because of it, but it doesn’t seem to bother them too much as I think they can detach themselves from it pretty well.

I also think “fan opinions” in form of rival shipping wouldn’t really harm a hidden couple as it first would likely be a sort of “shield” and second because they have their relationships and are likely comfortable with them on their own terms. What fans think is probably secondary.

It is possible that they could get annoyed or frustrated at times, but again, if they truly felt bothered by it they probably wouldn’t do a lot of the things they do. Because I am sure they are aware to some degree that fans scrutinize their every move and ship moments. Both Tae and Jimin are some of the most physical out of the members, and also some of the members that seem to like to initiate fanservice moments... So I doubt they would have much problem and can feel secure enough in their relationship no matter what fans think.

Ask 12 - What did Jimin write on his shirt in Run ep. 53?

Hi, I guess you got curious after I talked about this episode recently in my post Ask: Reply - 2021.03.30 (Ask 8 - Going down the rabbit hole, micromoments and shipping vs believing).

I don’t know hangul, but I do know what “Jimin” looks like. On Jimin’s shirt from behind the scenes of Run ep. 53 you can see he’s written his own name “지민” Jimin followed by what looks to be “ 님 “ which is nim. So basically the text on the container in the picture says Sir Jimin.

Jimin seemed very keen on writing his name on both his own shirt and on Tae’s and even tried on JK’s. He failed of course, but he sure did try. 

Thank you for the ask, and isn’t Tae cute?

Ask 13 - Gina Maeng ask follow up

Glad you liked my reply. :) (From Ask: Reply - 2021.03.30  Ask 4 - Idols dating members of the same group). Yeah I get what you mean, talking about it openly I suppose isn’t so normal. But since it seems to be more and more fans who assume it happens to some degree maybe it’s not so strange if it starts getting more talked about as well. I’ll take it as a good sign, even if the information is nothing new in itself, being more open is going to make it easier for fans to realize it’s possible for their idols to be LGBT+ or have hidden relationships.

As for K-Population it doesn’t seem to be too well known, but it’s one of few actual examples to be found. So yeah, interesting that we know it has happened, and also that it shows what risks it could mean to get involved with a group member. I think the risk of a falling out is something a lot of shippers tend to forget. Anyways, thank you for your reply. ^_^

Ask 14 - Vmin’s love is beautiful (and so much nice praise omg)

Oh my... I am not sure I have ever been called sweetheart by anyone ever before. Thank you! You are making me blush with all the praise.  💜💜💜

But really, we can all just watch Vmin in awe and be happy they have each other and feel such immense love for each other, no matter what that love is. It’s kind of amazing. Like even if they are platonic their relationship is so wholesome and they put so much love and effort into it that it’s truly inspirational. I love when we get bombed with moments like this with a very intense period of great Vmin interactions. As you, me too never fail to feel all soft watching them together.

95z is love and what a love they share. Truly wonderful. 💜

You take care too, and really, thank you so much for this lovely message. it means a lot and is very heartwarming.

And with that sweet ask I’ll end the post. There was a lot of very different questions and I feel I could have written more about many of them, but alas I need to remember I can’t write full essays on everything or I would never get anything posted. Thank you all for reading and I hope you found my thoughts and speculations interesting. ^-^

[embrassemoi]

(1/6) Okay, first of all no apologies needed. I'm really glad you're feeling better now 💖. Moving on to the chapter. It really seems like angsty love triangle is beginning to form. I was waiting for it and yet now it's here I'm so terrified. You really did write the line "I love you felt more like a fairytale than a doomsday sentence when he imagined her saying it." (And wow, what a beautiful line it is.) and then made Remus gave mc a mixtape. IN THE SAME CHAPTER! Are you trying to kill me???

Yes. Spot on. my goal is to kill each of my readers

also I'm going to be a little more vague than usual because if I confirm or deny - explain further, I feel like I'll slip up and accidentally spoil something. also, I haven't actually confirmed that the rest of SBTMAS will follow closely to canon - only that my original plan was going to write all the way up to the second wizarding war (and what if I changed my plans?). so who knows!

(2/6) And even Sirius noticed how happy remus looks lately. Considering how awful their relationship is at this point, I can't even imagine how complicated things will get. I was so looking forward to read sirius' pov on the events and it was somehow even more heartbreaking than I thought it would be. I just can't help but feel so sorry for him. Him comparing hogwarts to a barbed wire cage made me so sad, because a few years later, he'll be trapped in Azkaban. But I'm kind of glad he realized

(3/6) how cruel he was. When he first apologized to remus after the Prank, he was quite dismissive of the whole think and even said something like "i didn't mean anything". Now he realizes what he did was awful not only to his friends but also to Snape. And he realizes how he isn't very different from his family than he thought. I feel like these were all essential things he would have to realize to grow as a character and you portrayed that very well. I still feel like there's a long way to go

(4/6) for him to be forgiven by his friends. My prediction is everyone will forgive him eventually and accept him as a part of the group again (he's the godfather of james' son after all) but remus won't ever fully forgive him. Remus is desperate to be liked and yet he doesn't feel like he deserve to be liked and have friends. I feel like this can lead him to sweep everything under a rug and put up with things that he's not fully comfortable with. Yes, I can see them being friends but I don't

- yeah. I thought it was important to add in that small POV from remus - that he's really insecure and would do a lot for people to like him. it's the whole 'ahhh! I'm a disgusting werewolf' thing he has going on. Idk, with remus I feel like he would just end up feeling really fucking bad and be like 'okay bud, let' try this again' even if he really doesn't / isn't ready to forgive sirius.

- also, it's a nice contrast from sirius.

- also also, i know how Remus will eventually ’forgive’ Sirius and I think it’s both very in character for him but might make a lot of my readers mad lol. It is what it is.

(5/6) think remus will ever fully trust sirius. And this will eventually lead remus to be suspicious of sirius during the war (not the mention whole mc thing will probably put a strain on their relationship as well). And also peter being the one who sometimes helps sirius is a very interesting choice. I know at this point he doesn't have any malicious intent but still, Sirius thinks Peter might tell james about things he said to him. I feel like this speaks volumes about his character and

in canon, I always HC that Remus and sirius always tried to repair their friendship - especially after Azkaban but it just was never the same. I mean, they're two completely different people at that point.

- I don't like writing Peter as someone who trails after James constantly, but I do think Peter's best BEST friend out of the marauders would be James. and in their school years, I think he would tell him everything - or almost everything. it does speak about his character tho

(6/6) gives us small clues about how he'll betray everyone in the future. But still, I'm happy that Sirius is reciving at least smallest bit of kindness. I know his friends have every reason to not forgive him but with his panic attacks and intrusive thoughts (chairty case part almost made me cry) he really does need some help and Hogwarts is not known for the care they put into mental health of its students. Great chapter as always!!!! -🌸

idk I think Peter would've been the kindest bc 1) he's not attached to the hip to him compared to the duo that is James and Sirius. 2) he wasn't 'betrayed' like remus 3) I think (At the time) he would be one of the most understanding marauders. I did write Peter to be very likeable to other students at Hogwarts and he does have quite a lot of friends / knows a lot of people outside of the marauders. so I think that's another reason too.

- also if we're looking at this at a more in-depth dive - if Peter felt inferior compared to the other marauders, then I see his gesture going either two ways

1) "hey, I don't want you feeling low because I know how it feels like"

2) "this is my way of showing that this time, I have just a bit more edge over you."

- idk if that makes sense

And Hogwarts does NOT give a single fuck about their students lmfao. harry was almost killed like eight times, was highkey sucidial after sirius and Cedric's death, was being isolated half the time and nobody gave a fuck. like ughhh.

thanks for sending!

[therappundit]

***The Top 10 Rap Albums/Projects of 2019*** are...

At the end of the decade, the rap music genre finds itself with a more splintered and diverse fanbase than ever before. What did that mean for 2019? A push towards different styles which was balanced out by a strong grassroots revival of jazzy, soul-inspired sounds that echoed back to the heyday of the mid-to-late 90′s underground hip-hop scene. 

In 2019, the lanes that travel more closely to what most would consider “mainstream” rap, struggled to find new inspiration without as much artistic direction to act as a template. This created a bit of a hole for some, as the absence of new material from Kendrick Lamar or Isaiah Rashad, or the disappointing reception to highly anticipated releases from the likes of Chance The Rapper, Schoolboy Q or Kanye West, left the gate open just wide enough to allow more Young Thug disciples, more aspiring Futures, and more cookie cutter “want to be the next Drakes” to flood your streaming platform.

But let us be clear: 2019 was still a great year for rap music because the underground feasted. Scroll further, and you will see that point made by my list of the best rap projects released in 2019 (and in some cases, releases that are amongst the decades best). I used the following criteria for this year’s list:

- the album/mixtape/EP/project/WHATEVER you want to call it had to be released by Dec. 20th, 2019 (arguably still way too soon to craft a well-informed review of an artists’ project)

- the project must have at least 6 songs (arguably still too small of a sample size to compare to lengthier projects)

- these rankings are a *combination* of my own personal preference, overall quality, and how the final product compares to other work from the artists’ peers that occupy the same lane/”sub-genre” of rap music

Regardless of how you feel about this list, I hope that you visit (or re-visit) any one of these pieces of strong work and find the same level of enjoyment that I did. I loved so much rap music this year and I could not be more excited about what the future holds. On a personal note, in 2019 I found myself even more in love with my wife, feeling luckier than I have in a long time, more satisfied with my hobbies and passions, and above all else, more in awe of my child (and anyone that ever raised a child) than ever before. I became a father for the first time in 2019, so as my baby daughter continues to fill my heart, I am beginning to wonder what she will think of her father’s love for this art form that has brought him so much joy over the years...I suppose time will tell.

Salute to these artists below and so many, many others. 🙏🙏🙏

Much love to all,

Jason, THE Rap Pundit

10. It Wasn’t Even Close - Your Old Droog

Your Old Droog is a unique, stand alone artist - I want to make that larger point perfectly clear - but after I finished listening to Droog’s trio of terrific projects in 2019, and sat down to right this blurb, on It Wasn’t Even Close, I thought of three people (and not the one you think I’m going to say!): Royce Da 5′9″, MF DOOM, and Joe Pesci in Goodfellas.

I thought of Royce because more than any other artists, I think Royce and Droog both get dismissed as “punchline rappers” because of their punchline-heavy rhyme styles, but both make incredibly personal, perspective-driven music (not their fault you’re not listening closely enough). I also thought of DOOM because YOD is able to create an insular rap world with his projects that incorporate fantastic production ranging from off-the-wall to bleak as hell, paired with hard rhymes that can be both dope af and laugh out loud funny - but without the gunplay and drug dealer talk. And why Pesci?? Because it’s not always clear when Droog is going to come off with a well crafted joke, or a painful reveal of the dark thoughts behind the man...but that is what makes him such a compelling MC.

Of his three 2019 albums (Jewelry is not being acknowledged here because in the holiday shuffle I haven’t had any time to sit with it yet, but I like what I have heard thus far), the transportation themed and appropriately titled Transportation might show the most range as a song-maker, but it’s the relentless thump of It Wasn’t Even Close that lands a top 10 spot on my list. His recent work with Mach-Hommy seems to foster a free-wielding spirit in Droog, from surprise project releases to unpredictable themes. The bars come in great abundance throughout IWEC, and most of the finest moments from Droog come when he his dropping brilliant one-liners over production that does indeed point to the world being about to end (perhaps all too appropriate for the bizarre news feed that was 2019). 

Your Old Droog has too much to say, too many thoughts to simply dumb down his lyrical content to create a focused song that just addresses one singular idea, so he makes the right choice on It Wasn’t Even Close to touch on as many of his manic thoughts as possible. Droog is like a great stand-up comedian that knows his audience and will do whatever he wants with his material because he knows that is one of the things that keeps his audience coming back, but within each joke is a revealing kernel of truth that should be taken seriously. Because whether you see it on stage or not, working stand-up comedians often dedicate themselves to comedy because there is no other way to harness all of the fast moving, often dark and uncomfortable thoughts in their head. I can’t say if that’s the case with Your Old Droog, but he is certainly an artist that raps with the sense of humor - and unexpectedly deep thinking - of a great stand-up.

9. Guns - Quelle Chris

Circling back to my comment about 2019′s depressing news cycle in the above Your Old Droog post (can’t be a coincidence, given that Quelle, Droog and Hommy are all frequent collaborators), can you think of a more to-the-point and overdue rap album title for this moment in America’s history than Guns?

Quelle Chris can stake a claim as having one of the greatest under-appreciated catalogues in rap history. The gifted rapper and producer has blessed us with many great projects over the years, and he tends to excel at making a point without sacrificing the enjoyment factor of his music. Much like last year’s Everything’s Fine (his brilliant collaboration with fellow dope artist and wife Jean Grae), it’s his use of satire on Guns that prevents the project from dipping a toe too deeply into the gloom of the subject matter.  Guns is a wonderfully scored portrait of how the United States’ connection to violence fosters increasingly more violence, and the symbiotic relationship between violence and the tools that wield it. Quelle is not a gangsta rapper, and he does not support violence, but as a black man in this country and a rapper, he is pulled into a wide set of false assumptions. An artist like Quelle doesn’t avoid false assumptions or challenging subjects, he tackles them with a great deal of thought and care. Sure, Guns has some light-hearted moments, but at the rate that people are being shot and killed by guns in this country (especially the rate of black men and women, as wells as members of other minority groups), a successful satire is often one that leaves the audience sitting in reflective silence rather than uproarious laughter.

8. Hitler Wears Hermes 7 [HWH7] - Westside Gunn

2019 was such a triumph for Griselda Records’ journey of doubling down on their sound rather than adapting, and reaching even higher profile success by doing so. While providing less controversial cover art on the 7th installment of his Hitler Wears Hermes series may be seen as a bit of a (increasingly necessary) compromise, the collective continues to sustain a steadily growing fanbase by keeping their music honest and gritty.

While not as grounded in the traditional as Westside Gunn’s FLYGOD, HWH7 provides a highly satisfying glimpse into the world of Griselda's impresario, the best example since Supreme Blientele. That means an indulgent dose of dusty soul samples, fashion trends, wrestling references, impeccable guest verses, and a general sense of fun-loving mayhem that could only be characterized by a representative of a shining underdog of a city with a scrappy chip on its' shoulder like Buffalo. Anyone that knows Buffalo New York knows that it's a city as filled with love as it is cold during frequently brutal winters. That's the type of town needed to shape a raw diamond like Gunn, who is as unpredictable with his rap cadence as he is respectful of the great MCs around him.

Westside Gunn and the whole Griselda gang provide a vibe that brings the best out of even the most experienced rap veterans (for example, I haven’t heard Fat Joe rap this well in years). Whatever their secret recipe for success has been (besides a relentless hustle and fresh talent), Hitler Wears Hermes 7 is another great example of how the collective’s energy is so contagious that established artists are eager to fall in line with their vision, Griselda doesn’t adapt to their guests. And can we finally end this ridiculous notion that Westside Gunn isn’t a dope MC in his own right? Don’t let the sharp rhyme skills of Conway and Benny distract from the fact that Gunn brings a real outside the box approach to how he attacks a beat, he’s as fly with his word choice as his fashion rep.

7. Eve - Rapsody

Rapsody is a great rapper.

Not a great “female MC”, not a “good for a woman” rapper...so knock off that bullshit right now, it’s 2019 people (well, technically 2020 - but I meant to finish this whole post before the ball dropped, but I dropped the ball). :-/

Rapsody has been an underground darling for so long that I am not sure if you can technically refer to her as underground hip-hop artist anymore? Check the discography and you will see that the North Carolinian has quite an impressive list of good projects to her name - all of which helped build the revere that her peers feel towards her when they say her name. While she did not ask for cult status, she certainly inherited cult status as the MC that snippy underground heads like to point to whenever they feel like Nicki Minaj or Cardi B are receiving too much too soon. Of course this sentiment is completely unwarranted - and almost always driven by angst against a fanbase rather than the more famous artist his/herself - but it doesn’t stop the conversation from coming up again and again...so why doesn’t Rapsody have more mainstream success? Should she be mentioned in more conversations as one of the best rappers in the game? And should she be receiving more credit as a woman in a male-dominated genre of music that managed to build a fanbase without pumping more graphic sexuality into her music, or showing off her body?

Well, all the answers to these questions snake up to the same problem, because apart from gender, Rapsody, Nicki, Cardi, and Megan The Stallion all share something else in common: they’re all just trying to get their piece of the pie in a sexist industry (more like society - but that’s a much larger convo) and it’s 100% not their fault. Please try to understand that Rapsody is going to do what she does on a record, and Nicki will do the same, and to expect either artist to do the same type of record is as absurd as expecting Conway The Machine to make a Drake album. Whatever your gender identity may be, you are entitled to craft your sound to be as mainstream or underground as you want it to be, just do you.

So in a way, it would make sense that Rapsody would drop the best album of her career in a year where the mainstream rap scene was shallow, mostly unremarkable, and full of holes. I’m not at all saying that that’s the reason why she received more press off of Eve than on most of her previous works, but in a rare twist, industry trends did provide a bit of an assist in the publicity department. However, the acclaim for Eve has less to do with industry trends, and a lot to do with just how good the music is on this album. 

Eve is a celebration of black women, but not as a “ladies night at the bar”, one time only rap album gimmick, but as a personal and informative album where every track is named after an influential woman of color, and the star of the album just happens to be a black woman that also hopes to be remembered as an influential woman of color. Eve is as much a braggadocious claim for respect from a dope MC as it is a humble diary of a veteran rap artist that’s still very much in her prime. The production choices range from intentional reinterpretations of the familiar, to fresh takes that successfully ride the line between what we would traditionally call “mainstream” or “underground”. At the end of the day, Rapsody’s Eve manages to start a conversation about the importance of black women in the history of the world, but while filling in the details with reminders that she deserves the respect of being treated as just another great MC.

6. Zuu - Denzel Curry

There may not be a more important album reflecting the sound of a specific city in 2019 than Denzel Curry’s Zuu.

His ode to the Carol City neighborhood of Miami, Florida was a long time coming. Zuu would not have been possible had he not experimented with different approaches in the past. He has dabbled in the same woozy, screaming raves of his fellow Floridian peers, and flirted with expressionism (especially on his previous album, TA13OO), but it all really came together on Zuu. A loose, more casual approach to song crafting on this album built a city on a clean slate. Much in the same way that Juvenile and Mannie Fresh’s “Ha” painted as vivid a picture of the feeling of being in the Magnolia projects of New Orelans as any city homage in rap history, Denzel Curry deserves a ton of credit for collaborating with perfectly selected producers to capture a sound that feels as sweltering as Curry’s place of origin.

While Zuu could stand on atmosphere alone, Curry is also at his best as a MC on this album. His pen is hard at work here (even though he claimed this album did not come with much actual writing), and he showcases a control over his flow and a charisma that proves that he is a stand alone artist to stay glued to moving forward. While the production aesthetic may be providing the broad strokes of color, his lyrics are adding the finer details throughout, discussing his father’s life and in general, the anxiety of growing up in a Miami neighborhood where sunny days are never promised. Zuu is a great album start to finish.

5. Marcielago - Roc Marciano

Roc didn't technically *need* to drop an album this year. His 2018 was one of the most prolific in his career, and for his increasingly less niche core fanbase, the impact on his respective lane is crystal clear, be it by open shout-out from his peers, to more subliminal homages. But it's that last point that inspires Roc Marciano to suit up and dramatically emerge from the gate every year or two. He has that Jordan/Jay-Z gene that suggests that no matter how many accolades are racked up over the years, any internet troll has the potential to get Roc's blood up. Which is why it should come as no surprise by this point that the man that gave us Marcberg, Reloaded and a stack of other revered projects, still felt the need to remind his "sons" that he is one of the Masters of his art form.

As an exercise in word choice and turn of phrase, Marcielago is more of a flex than an attempt to push new boundaries. But as a display of Roc Marci's (somehow) still understated skill as a producer, it's so much more - possibly his best work behind the boards. While less experimental with his production choices than on his acclaimed Rosebudd projects, Marcielago finds Roc doubling down on his ability to color within the lines of a gritty, soulful soundtrack to a world of seductive criminal activity, occasionally swerving outside of the lines with great intention, like a record skip, reminding the listener that this world is part autobiography, part fantasy - but the imagination of the man at the center is scary real. The piano sample alone on "I.G.W.T." is enough to provoke a smokey zone out, and the beat switches on that track as well as others (such as "Tom Chambers") are captivating because the switch-ups drive focus, not a choice derived from an overindulgence in production or onset boredom.

Many rap artists can claim to have made a great impact on their respective lane of traffic, but not many can claim that they paved their own. Roc did not invent the New York underground sound by any means, but when most of the New York crew abandoned ship, the captain stuck with it. ✊

4. The Plugs I Met - Benny The Butcher

Let's make this perfectly clear: Griselda Records has been dope af for years now, and nothing changed about their game plan in 2019 except that they had significantly more press to help continue pushing their brand forward. That press helped them put a ribbon around a tremendous year of music for them, along with a rapidly growing bandwagon of websites and online influencers that were previously asleep at the wheel.

That all being said...in 2019, the rap world really learned about Benny The Butcher. The Buffalo lyricist and Griselda & BSF rap capo has been spitting for years now, but word has finally reached his peers that he is pretty close to untouchable when it comes to this game called rap. Benny took things to another level with his short but potent dose of an album, The Plugs I Met.  Much like Pusha T (an appropriate guest here on “18 Wheeler”), please do not dismiss Benny as just another street hustler rapping about cocaine dealing. It’s not the subject matter that’s special here, it’s the attention to detail. Benny’s ability to describe the life he leads/has lead, and what he has been through with his writing is nothing short of brilliant, and he is able to rattle off astute observations/descriptions with his rhymes about the world he knows at a level that I would only compare to B.I.G., Nas, Jay-Z, Kool G Rap, Push, Beanie Sigel, and other legendary MC’s that have a unique way with words when it comes to tales of crime life.

But what more can I say about Benny the rapper/warrior poet that I haven’t been saying for years?  ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

https://therappundit.tumblr.com/post/143774514306/neighborhood-watch-benny

3. We Grown Now - Tree

Tree is a legend. If he’s not a legend in the conversations you are currently having about the best rap projects of 2019, then you need to remedy that. Perhaps you can downgrade him to “just” a Chicago legend, but I would disagree on the grounds that musically, he’s a legend when it comes to who he is as a rap artist, and I don’t really care that this album isn’t on anyone else’s top best of lists, it’s AOTY worthy material...

Tree is a veteran rapper/producer that seems to have a love-hate relationship with the rap business (well, maybe it’s strictly hate when it comes to rap as a business, but he raps with too much conviction for me to believe that he doesn’t love rapping - even when he’s jaded by it all). Why he isn’t heralded as an icon across every rap website today isn’t exactly clear to me (and I have already made too many assumptions on the intents of the artists on this list), but after being in a bit of a slumber, the purveyor of “soul trap” seemed to rise high once again in 2019, striking his fanbase with numerous projects that read as autobiographical diaries, including a dope collaboration with Vic Spencer, producer Parallel Thought, and this amazing album, We Grown Now.

Whether it’s attempting to find closure from fallen friendships, an ode to his sons, a declaration of his love for travel, or an olive branch to the past loves of his life, Tree touched on so many personal moments on his work in 2019 that it’s hard not to think that it’s all part of his final victory lap. It feels that way because Tree comes across as an old Blues man at heart, his greatest works of art often his most painful ones. While he may travel outside of music to get away from it all, put a mic, beat and writing pad in front of him, and he puts himself out there, warts and all. Give this one a spin in the New Year if you missed out:

https://soundcloud.com/mctreeg/sets/wegrownnow

2. Retropolitan - Skyzoo & Pete Rock

The definition of a dope New York album with no skips. Skyzoo shows that one can revel in nostalgia and positivity at the same time, that reflecting on how your home has changed can be a loving experience, even when it's clear that you would love to turn back the clock to an older, impactful time of your life. 

Retropolitan is the sound of a music Mecca that thrives today because of its' past, and even when you don't hear that sound of the city within the city walls as often as you used to, it’s that sound that still propels it forward every day. By all means, you can criticize the sounds coming from "these kids today", but know that new sounds still trace back to their source material (whether you can hear it or not, the influence exists), and there will always be enough room for different rap styles to to co-exist, just as Classical music and Rock 'n Roll continue to inspire the world around us without any genre/sub-genre diluting the pool...in fact, the pool only continues to expand because of it.

Like Roc Marciano, Skyzoo is on a short list of NYC-based MC’s that kept developing a traditional east coast underground sound in their music for years, long after it was en vogue. As one of the genre’s most naturally gifted writers and storytellers, I don’t know if any MC working today is as fit to write this album as Skyzoo, a relic that survived a purging of the old guard in NYC only to emerge as part of a resurgence of underground hip-hop, sounding as spry as ever (if not, even stronger). With Retropolitan, every bit of this ode to growing up in a culture capitol feels like a child’s observation from a Brooklyn apartment window rather than a forced exaltation of times gone by.

This pairing may be the most natural for Pete Rock since CL Smooth, and no doubt the music on this album would not exist if it wasn't for timeless records like "T.R.O.Y." that continue to breathe and sound as refreshing as the day it dropped. Right now I doubt many expect Retropolitan to have the same cultural impact (as the material clearly points out, both the world and the genre are so different nowadays), but the music that derived from these two NYC legends certainly packs a wallop of quality that belongs in rotation for years to come.

1. Bandana - Freddie Gibbs & Madlib

By now it's hard to imagine that folks were skeptical of the musical union between Freddie Gibbs and Madlib. But back in 2010/2011, prior to the release of "Thuggin" (the first single to be released from the fantastic project that would eventually become Pinata) the notion of Gangsta Gibbs finding a happy union with the man that was behind classic projects alongside underground icons the likes of MF DOOM and Jay Dilla, sounded more like a fish out of water tale. Today, it would be like hearing news of 21 Savage and DJ Premier dropping.

By the time Bandana finally dropped - the much anticipated follow-up to the Pinata collaboration that many consider a modern classic - the hype had long since buried the initial questions that fans had about what the chemistry would be like between the respected artists, who once climbed the rankings within two very separate lanes. What Pinata proved was that the hard rhymes from Gibbs, when paired with Madlib's chopped up jazzy soulscapes, yield a sound that feels as beautifully organic as many of the genre's purist classic records. The biggest difference between Bandana and its' predecessor is that their chemistry has only improved.

What 'MadGibbs' achieved here was a more intimate and diverse album than Pinata, and arguably a superior one. Bandana may lack the layers of dusty underground grit which came in abundance on Pinata, but Gibbs' flow and pen game are so sharp on this album that it gave Madlib a bit more room to experiment with some sounds that don't instantly point to Madlib as the orchestrator on first listen. Lurking behind the making of this project were Gibbs' very real legal troubles, and the threat of extended prison time that not only jeopardized the completion of this project, but Freddie Gibbs' own freedom. Throughout the amazing Bandana, Gibbs does not hesitate to remind fans of how his life could very well have gone in a different direction, and that's exactly what elevates an album of bars & beats to a gripping, album of the year experience. Even with Bandana still in heavy rotation for the foreseeable future, it's hard not to salivate over what the duo could accomplish next...

***AND THE REST OF THE BEST***...

11. Emergency Raps, Vol. 4 - Tuamie feat. Fly Anakin & the Mutant Academy

12. Let The Sun Talk - MAVI

13. Wap Konn Jòj! - Mach-Hommy

14. W.W.C.D. [What Would Chine Do]? - Griselda (Westside Gunn, Conway & Benny)

15. SPORTEE - Nolan The Ninja

16. El Capo - Jim Jones (and The Heatmakerz)

17. Hiding Places - Billy Woods & Kenny Segal

18. Oofie - Wiki

19. Feet of Clay - Earl Sweatshirt

20. Hell’s Roof - Eto & DJ Muggs

21. Brandon Banks - Maxo Kream

22. 4wurd - Jay Bel

23. Revenge of the Dreamers 3 - J. Cole & the Dreamville roster

24. Sli’merre - Young Nudy & Pi’erre Bourne

25. The Wild End - Tree & Parallel Thought

26. Holly Water - Fly Anakin & Big Kahuna OG

27. Kirk - DaBaby

28. Boss Sauce - Mooch & Futurewave

29. Port of Miami 2 - Rick Ross

30. So Much Fun - Young Thug

31. Own Pace - Medhane

32. Drip or Drown 2 - Gunna

33. You Can’t Sit With Us - Pivot Gang

34. GREY Area - Little Simz

35. Transportation - Your Old Droog

36. Tuez-Les Tous - Mach-Hommy & DJ Muggs

37. May The Lord Watch - Little Brother

38. Drum Machine Tape Cassette - Kev Brown & J Scienide

39. Lil Big Man - Maxo

40. Statue of Limitations - Smoke DZA & Benny The Butcher

Honorable Mention:

Bullies - Denmark Vessey, DrxQuinnx & Azarias

[incarnateirony]

So, some DeanCas thoughts.

I went on a rant in a GC today -- in a good way -- and I felt like sharing my mood with the class.

First of all, I’m going to disclaimer this. I am a bi!Dean supporter, even if the following text seems to be dismissive of elements of it along the ride. But when it comes to Dean and Cas -- other, extensive, very loud wearing-a-sign-for-the-stubborn-folks that have chosen to miss the other blatant drops -- isn’t even necessary to me. On an LGBT rep level I understand it, even if I’ve had talk about the unfair moving goalposts that het culture has trained is into that they, themselves don’t have to meet -- but that’s another rant.

My general thoughts on Destiel come around the fact that what they have transcends anything explicitly about sexuality. But that isn’t a way to try to call it bromance, or claim it isn’t queer, or slap that now highly abused queerplat on as the refurbished dogwhistle for bromance rather than what it was intended for -- it’s still definitely, and majorly, queer umbrella.

It’s a nonbinary entity with a transcendental love for a single human being learning to reflect that, and to return it, even if he struggles to comprehend it. Jensen Ackles has even said similarly, himself. That alone makes Castiel canonically LGBT+ umbrella, as much as naysayers want to bob and weave around that. It’s impossible for Castiel to ever be a cismale. Literally impossible. It’s not subtext, it’s literally any basic understanding of gender theory.

But that’s just the beginning.

This nonbinary (nonhuman) entity has little to no interest -- especially when extradimensional -- to engage in any form of survival instinct that it doesn’t natively have. It doesn’t eat, it doesn’t sleep, it doesn’t urinate, and while he’s immortal, not even everybody poops. His species doesn’t breed. It has no instinct for that installed as a base line mechanism, just a learned taste for it unique to each individual, which he’s barely had time to explore -- when human, much less an angel without the biological impulse, much less in a busy lifestyle forever engaged. He might twist a demon around his finger to throw her over a flame like a bridge, he may entertain new ideas, but these are fleeting, distant ideas. So it’s never about that. What they have isn’t just about that.

This nonbinary entity has no specific demands of the man it loves, but will do almost anything with and for the man it loves. Be that dying, or watching the Lost Boys for the 127th time, or wearing a cowboy hat, or restraining -- or at least hiding -- most impulses to roll its eyes at the bad jokes. And if and when it all settles -- if they haven’t done so already -- maybe lay together. Because that IS a thing that humans do.

The queer and/or homoromantic nature of their relationship is still there. It’s still queer. And it’s not even remotely plat. Applications of queerplat recently on them are an outright appalling misuse of it beyond its intended purpose -- a repackaged idea of “bromance” now that the old dogwhistle has lost its effect. It’s entirely possible to remove fanon goggles and still look at the show and watch the sheer difference in handling between plat, frat, and romantic connections in the show.

It’s queer-romantic. But as said, if and when that dust settles, if it hasn’t quietly already -- between heartsong tethers more powerful than the forces of creation and destruction hearing the cry of pining, between mystery mixtapes, jilted lover emotions, and wifely parallel fates -- it’s not natively specifically about if Cas is a dude, or a chick, or w h a t e v e r. Should the day come that we find out Dean and Cas did the dues, it’s not because Dean is bi, or gay, or str8, or any of that -- and it’s not because Cas is or isn’t a dude. It’s because it’s Cas.

“I thought you’d gotten over trying to label me.” - Castiel, 5.04

If, under the supposition that one day physicality is confirmed, we were to put a label on them -- their specific engagement is more demi in nature than it is anything about bisexuality; it’s not about loving either/all genders equally in Dean’s case, but about not seeing a gender. A demi-pan arrangement, if you will, over a queer-romantic relationship. And again, I say this as a bi!Dean supporter, but not with obligation of specifically attaching the profound and complex nature of their relationship to what has read as, at least, bi-Dean subtext (if not deadass text for people who are choosing not to plug their ears and make absurd excuses at certain moments or are just that hetnorm.)

Don’t even try to get started arguing about Jensen’s Dated Hot Take. Actors are flawed. Actors get all kinds of ideas tangled in their heads. Mark P plays Lucifer as redeemable and deserving redemption in his head but that doesn’t bear any semblance to what’s actually going on in the product, that doesn’t make it remotely canon. Jared Padalecki thinks Sam isn’t Jack’s dad despite his own character calling him his (and the others’) kid. Actors are not writers, and at times, actors don’t even realize what they’ve communicated and presented. Or what the people making the content they’re acting for have, for that matter. Just don’t. Don’t shit up this post and go down that road. Do not be that repetitive, cyclic asshole that thinks you’re making a stellar point by being eternally regressive and on echo of things that basic logic and understanding of creative process shreds before it ever sticks a landing. Spare us all some time.

What they have is unique, powerful, intensely romantic -- and, at some point, went so far as to transition into outright domestic. If there’s a backdoor set of hanky panky going on that doesn’t make camera because it shifts the genre or mood of the show, okay -- disappointing by standard of anyone wanting to catch that roving representation goalpost we help push around unintentionally in the interest of winning arguments we’ll never win. A man can ask a woman if she wants to go to dinner as the closing act of a show without ever affirming they’re both straight (they could be pan! Straight isn’t canon! HurRr) or interested and never seeing physicality, but we all have operating brains. Mulder and Scully, a het pair that kissed, still had noromos doing mental gymnastics to try to explain why it wasn’t REALLY canon. 

People who don’t want it will never accept it. That’s something the generation wants to get used to now. But let’s make sure we don’t also move ourselves into an era of performative gays where every character must come out and say, “I AM BISEXUAL, NO REALLY, REALLY REALLY” at the top of their lungs for the great interpersonal nature of people in general to be taken as valid. Straight isn’t a factory default where it doesn’t need to be confirmed but everything else does. Start taking ownership of LGBT+ rights to exist in their obvious romance without letting het culture make YOU run the goalposts around for them in a trap game. (”If they don’t kiss, it doesn’t count! Also gays just make everything about kissing, it’s never just about a romance, you all just want porn! AHAH! Checkmate.”)

Don’t defend the content as if you have to prove it. Own it. Own your right to exist without performing. Own your right to love whether or not it works out. Own your right to be you. Culture is getting to a point where the regressives that loathe it have to defend themselves, not the other way around. Own that. Drop anchor. Don’t run to meet them in the middle, there’s never a middle, let’s look at the democratic party slide to meet the red team in the middle. Same shit, guys.

So back to the hanky panky thing -- even if that came out? Sure, as a bi Dean fan, I guess I’d be happy. But I’d also not try to label it. I’d take that lesson from season 5 Castiel. Because it’s something well beyond labels, as long as we accept that it is queer, and it is beautiful.

[lyrics-code]

War Witcha Homeboy Lyrics - Young Buck

War Witcha Homeboy Lyrics – Young Buck

[Intro] Nigga, G-Unit Nigga!! Dayum.. I neva knew dis rap shit Could have a nigga beefin’ wit his own homebois, ya’know? Shit fucked up, but dis how it goes… [Verse] Came up (Yuh!), I did my thang Dis is so real I ain’t sayin’ no names (Nah!) Started wit’ a dream like Martin Luther King ‘Till tha Fed’s came sayin’ my whole fuckin’ team (Huh!) Switched my game up, started from tha bottom (Why?!)…

[totaltozier]

Everything I Couldn’t Say - Richie x Eddie

notes: I wrote this last night while being wide awake at 2 am! that being said I hope you all enjoy it! thank you to my lovely Jana @alwaysmebeforeyou for being the best beta ever!!!

words: 2365

summary: Richie is shit with his words so he has to come up with a different way to tell Eddie how he feels. Luckily Beverly Marsh is a genius.

READ ON AO3 // LISTEN TO RICHIE’S MIXTAPE HERE

Richie had known Eddie for most of their lives. After being put in the same class in third grade and assigned seats next to each other, the pair were quick to become best friends. Countless playdates and nights of Richie sneaking into Eddie’s room after curfew lead the two becoming the closest pair of friends, despite their almost opposite personalities. Somehow the two just worked.

Almost nine years later, the two boys were still best friends although a fuzzy feeling in Richie’s chest lead him to think differently. Richie had been completely infatuated with Eddie ever since they met, thinking he was cute, cute, cute the second he first laid eyes on him but now Eddie was all grown up and it was a different kind of cute, cute, cute. It was more of a holy shit you’re fucking beautiful every time he looked at him.

Richie knew he was in love with Eddie, that much he was sure of, but he had no idea how to tell him or if he could even tell him at all.

“He probably doesn’t even like me back, I mean, come on why would he?” Richie said to Beverly as he exhaled the smoke from his cigarette. The two were sitting on her fire escape after school, their feet dangling off the edge as they passed a smoke back and forth.

“Don’t say that, you’re quite the catch mister.” Beverly comforted as she stole the cigarette back from him. She lifted it to her mouth to take a drag. “He’s got no reason not to like you back.”

Richie let out a small laugh. “I make jokes about fucking his mom more than not, I think that’s a valid reason not to like me.”

“He knows you’re joking around.” She took another drag. “Have you thought about just telling him how you feel instead of just dancing around the subject?”

“Now that’s a joke if I ever did hear one!” Richie took the smoke from her once again. She raised an eyebrow at him quizzically. “Of course, I’ve thought about it, but you and I both know that I’m shit at saying the right thing. I’d probably screw things up.”

“I can’t disagree with that one, sorry honey.” Beverly apologized. Richie just shrugged and the two sat in silence, letting the smoke float amongst them. Richie began to hum a tune softly to fill the silence, creating a spark in Beverly’s mind. “I have an idea.” She looked at Richie with a grin.

“Is it a good one this time?” Richie pushed.

She gave him a gentle nudge with her shoulder. “All my ideas are good ones! This one is brilliant though.” Richie raised an eyebrow skeptically but didn’t say anything, giving her the go away to explain herself. “Since you’re shit at words but great with music, just make Eddie a mixtape explaining how you feel.”

Richie blinked at the red headed genius in front of him. How could he not have thought of the idea himself? He was always sitting at his desk making pointless mixtapes for himself and the other losers to enjoy.

“Eddie doesn’t like anything I listen to though. I mean there’s a few songs he’d like but what if he hates it all?” Richie worried.

“Then put a few songs he’d like on there.” Beverly said obviously. “Just as long as you get your point across, it doesn’t really matter who sings what, Richie.”

Richie let the idea sit in his mind for a moment. This idea could either be perfect or completely stupid, but it was worth the try. “Beverly Marsh, my girl you are brilliant!” Richie said as he stood up to climb down from the fire escape. “I’m going to do it,” he hopped down onto the grass below. “But if it doesn’t work, then I’m blaming it all on you!” He called up at her. He watched as she shook her head at him despite the smile on her face before mounting his bike and pedaling away towards home.

Richie rushed up to his room, dismissing the calls from his parents asking how his day at school was and shouting back that he’d tell them about it later. He threw his door closed and headed straight for his desk, pulling out the chair and plopping himself down. His boom box already sat in front of him next to a stack of cassettes. He grabbed an empty one carefully pulling it out of its clear plastic case and popped it into the radio. He picked up the little white card that went along with it and held it in his hands.

“What the fuck am I supposed to put on here?” He mumbled to himself.

The idea of making a mixtape to confess his feelings to Eddie made perfect sense to him but knowing which songs to put on it did not. Was he supposed to choose sappy love songs? Songs about confessing your undying love? Songs that made you want to slow dance in the rain? Songs about heartbreak? No that wasn’t right.

Richie started shuffling through his stack of tapes, even going as far as looking through a few records for song inspiration. He pulled open his desk drawer and retrieved an old notepad from inside. He started to make a list of possible songs, scratching out ones that didn’t seem to fit or that Richie felt Eddie wouldn’t enjoy listening to. Eventually he was able to get the list down to twelve carefully selected songs.

“God, I hope this works.” Richie said out loud. He reached for the first tape, placing it into the stereo to copy onto the empty one for Eddie.

An hour later, Richie had a complete mixtape for Eddie. He had written all of the songs on the white note card and on the opposite side he had printed For Eds in red marker as neat as he could with his sloppy handwriting.

Richie grabbed his backpack and unzipped the front pocket, slipping the tape inside before zipping it shut to keep the cassette safe and secure until the next day. He then proceeded to take out his school books to get a start on his homework for the night.

-

Richie couldn’t remember exactly when he had removed the tape from his backpack but he was currently fiddling with it in the front pouch of his hoodie, his fingers running back and forth over the bumpy side of its case. He had been trying to workv up the courage to give Eddie the tape all day, originally planning on giving it to him at lunch. It was now final period and it still sat close within his grasp.

“Just give it to him after the final bell.” Beverly whispered to Richie while the teacher had her back turned towards the class. “You two always walk home together anyways.”

Richie nodded his head. “Yeah, okay.” He swallowed while his hand gripped the tape tightly.

The final bell rang, and Richie practically ran to his locker where he and Eddie always met after school. He quickly stored away the books he didn’t need for the night and slammed his locker shut.

“Hey stranger!” Richie practically jumped when Eddie greeted him, his mind somewhere else.

“Hey Eds!” He replied. “Ready to go?”

Eddie nodded. “Don’t call me that you loser.” He teased, and Richie bumped him slightly with his elbow. The two fell into step beside each other, heading towards the doors that lead outside.

The two walked home like normal, making conversation about anything and everything like they always did. Eddie only had to scold Richie twice for saying something stupid (one comment about his mother and another about Stan and Bill). The walk went by fast and before he knew it, Richie was standing at the end of Eddie’s driveway looking down at the smaller boy in front of him.

“You didn’t come by last night.” Eddie said in a small voice, changing the tone of their conversation entirely.

Richie nodded. His hand still resided in the pocket of his hoodie, firmly grasping the mixtape. Now was the best opportunity as ever to give it Eddie.

“I know, I uh… I was working on this.” Richie pulled his hand out of his sweater and presented the tape to Eddie.

Eddie eyed the tape in Richie’s hand. He slowly reached out and took it from him. “What is it?”

“It’s a tape. A mixtape for you that I made last night.” Richie explained. Eddie went to open it up, but Richie reached out to stop him. “Just give it a listen and then maybe listen to it again just to be sure okay?” Eddie didn’t understand what he had to be sure of, but he nodded anyways. “I’ll come by tonight okay? I want to know what you think.” And with that Richie headed off down Eddie’s street and towards his own.

Eddie stood at the end of his driveway and watched as Richie walked away. Once he was no longer in sight, he looked down at the tape in his hand and flipped it over. For Eds the white note card read. The nickname made Eddie smile as he headed inside his house straight for his room.

He pulled out his Walkman and tossed out the tape inside to replace it with the one Richie had given him. He untangled his headphones and placed them over his ears as he flopped down onto his bed. Eddie pressed play and closed his eyes as he let the music start.

He recognized a few songs from other tapes that Richie had played for him and the other losers while hanging out but hearing them again they sounded different, as if they had a whole new meaning now because he had given them to him. They were songs of romance, lovers and soulmates of sorts. Eddie listened to the lyrics of each song carefully, trying to understand what Richie meant when telling him to be sure of the songs. The songs fit into each other despite not all being the same and Eddie smiled as a song by The Cure faded into one by Cyndi Lauper knowing that Richie put that one on there just for him.

Before he knew it, the tape came to an end with a soft click and Eddie frowned wishing that there was more. He picked up the case, removing the notecard to read over the song list that Richie had scribbled inside. His eyes scanned the words, noticing a theme within them. They were all love songs, love songs that Richie had picked for Eddie.

Eddie sat up in his bed and removed his headphones. Thoughts were spinning around in his head, questions flying around his brain.

“Richie likes me.” He whispered softly as if he was telling himself a secret. Richie loves you echoed in his mind and the idea didn’t seem so far-fetched. “Richie likes me.” Eddie repeated again as a smile crept onto his face.

He put his headphones on once more and rewound the tape to listen to it again.

-

It was around ten fifteen when Richie climbed through Eddie’s bedroom window with a soft thud. Eddie was sitting on his bed holding the Richie’s mixtape in his hands, spinning it around with his fingers.

“Evening, Eddie Spaghetti!” Richie greeted as he removed his shoes and padded over towards Eddie.

Eddie let the ridiculous nickname slide, he had better things he wanted to talk about. He held up the tape. “I listened to it like you said to.” Eddie stated. “Twice and then a third time just to be sure.”

Richie’s eyes were wide behind his thick glasses. He nodded his head slowly at Eddie. “What are you sure of?” He asked cautiously.

“That you love me.” Eddie answered. He paused for a moment and took a deep breath. “And that I love you too, I guess.”

“You guess?” Richie questioned with a confused face.

Eddie inhaled sharply, worried that he had said the wrong thing. “I mean, only if that’s what you wanted me to be sure of, but if I was wrong then completely disregard the second half of the statement.” Eddie stammered. He could feel his heart beat get faster and almost reached for his inhaler before remembering that he didn’t actually have asthma.

Richie stared at Eddie for a few seconds before a smile took over his face and he reached out to grab Eddie’s hand to hold in his. “Don’t worry, you are right.”

“I am?” Eddie asked with hope.

Richie nodded exuberantly. “Yeah you are, I love you.” He smiled as he noticed a smile light up on Eddie’s face as well.

“That’s a relief,” Eddie exhaled. “You had me worried that I was listening to a bromance mixtape.” Eddie giggled pulling a laugh out of Richie. “You really had to make me a tape to confess your feelings for me? That’s like twice the work, Rich!” Eddie explained.

“Yeah it kind of was, but we both know I’m shit with words.” Richie said. “I’m glad you understood what I was trying to say though. Did you like the songs?” He asked.

Eddie nodded. “Yeah, I did, especially the Cyndi Lauper one!”

“I knew you’d like that one!” Richie teased, and he gave Eddie’s hand a slight squeeze.

“I loved it.” Eddie said fondly while looking into Richie’s eyes. “And I love you too, even if you are super extra.”

Richie laughed but there was a warm feeling in his heart nonetheless. “Only for you, Eds.” He said before leaning forward to place a shy kiss on Eddie’s lips. When he felt Eddie lean into the kiss too he ran his hands up to his face, lightly cupping his cheeks.

“I told you to quit calling me that.” Eddie smiled as he pulled away from Richie.

Richie let out a small laugh, a smile plastered on his face. “Just kiss me, Eddie.” He said before pulling him back in and he smiled into the kiss as he felt Eddie place his hands in his hair curls, bringing him even closer.

[thegentjimmy]

DJing, performing and loneliness.

I’ve been meaning to write something about this for a few weeks now. Firstly when I started to feel a little depressed again after months of feeling refreshed and reinvigorated. Secondly, after Avicii died and when a lot of my friends dismissed the situation stating “Oh well, his music was shit anyway.” And finally, during mental health awareness week, when I saw loads of people lighting up my social media, the news, and the world with positive messages that it is ok to feel empty, lost and hopeless sometimes, which is important to hear, even if it does start to sometimes get a little repetitive, acceptance is key - and it seems the world has begun to embrace mental health and the benefits of discussing it and being aware of taking care of our mental well-being in our daily lives. 

I’m here to talk about the darker side of my experiences within my job, a job which I love to bits. I get to play music in various forms for a living and I could not be more thankful that this and this alone, mostly pays for my electricity and food and rent. Although it’s not been an easy path, or a quick one - and the route to this situation has been dogged with difficult scenarios, the most difficult of all, constant loneliness. 

When I began DJing I didn’t even consider how much solitude and isolation I was entering myself into. I just loved music. My first residency was at a bar called SOYO in Sheffield - where I would play for 4 or 5 hours on a Sunday night. I’d spend hours all day picking out music for the evening, working on my mixes, downloading, researching, picking through old CD’s and vinyl in every charity shop I could find trying to ensure that my sets were interesting and varied every time - although it often didn’t matter because unless a big group of my friends came down to see me play (which they did quite regularly and I can never thank them enough for that) I would just have the general public mouthing off in my ear about playing more Rihanna and turning my shit soul music off. 

The flyer for my first ever DJ residency. 

My first night at SOYO playing “Mixtape” - I bought all these cassettes for about 5p each in a charity shop and carried them in every week for decoration.

I was also working a “normal” job at the time, in a hotel as a waiter and bar tender. I was offered a second DJ residency and quickly worked out the sums, in two DJ gigs per week, I would be earning more than I would for working 30 hours at the hotel. I took great pleasure in telling my bosses to fuck off on a particularly stretched evening where I was clicked at by a man who hosted celebrity dinners, the particular celebrity this evening was Trigger from Only Fools And Horses. He wanted more champagne. I wanted him to get shat on by a flock of seagulls (the band or a load of angry sea birds) Deciding that was probably not going to happen inside a 3 star hotel, I walked out instead. 

Practicing mixes whilst my housemates and I prepared for a night out on the town, no doubt a few beers in. Ironing board was a great DJ booth.

That was the second to last time that I worked as part of a “team” (there’s no ‘I’ in team, but there is an ‘I’ in ‘isolation’) and I’ve only just realised that now, writing this. I threw myself into solitude at work. Not only would I be spending long hours behind the decks picking out records (a lot of which I hated) to try and encourage people to have a good time, slowly honing my craft, earning my stripes - as they say, I would also be on my own during a lot of the day, picking out music for future gigs, emailing people to try and get work, practicing mixes, recording mixes, over and over again to try and prove that I was good enough, chasing up payments that had been promised but never delivered, all the while learning about music history, keeping up with current trends, emerging trends, reading about popular music in all its forms since the pirate radio days of the late 60′s - to 90′s rave and 00′s boy bands, really just attempting to diversify myself as a music collector and human - whilst most of my other friends were at work. And when my friends finished work and invited me out for a pint, for a birthday meal, round to their house to watch a film, or out on a date, I was busy working as many days as I could to make a living doing something that I absolutely adored. And gradually, the invitations stopped coming. And I didn’t even notice. I was obsessed with making playing music, my job. And going out after I finished my job with people that worked in bars and getting pissed because I was so desperate for human interaction. Sadly, a lot of these situations I can’t even remember. There could have been some great ideas discussed, but in all honesty, there probably wasn’t! 

My friend Ben travelled back to the UK from New Zealand. It was the first time I had seen him in 5 years, and I was obviously working. He bought us double rums all night. I was very ill the next morning. 

Playing the backroom at Replica, Sheffield. My remit was “Dubstep and Electro - cooler more underground music.” I was probably playing 50 Cent - Ayo Technology instead.

There was a point around 5 years ago, when I DJ’d every single day for 3 months straight. And because back then I was only just starting out, most of the gigs I did for free or for very little money. I didn’t have time to go and see my friends. I barely saw my housemates, although we did have some incredibly special moments during those years. Then, I took a job teaching - working in a small team of wonderful individuals and my entire outlook on everything changed. I was happier and fulfilled and I didn’t know why. I wasn’t feeling distant as much, even though this was only a temp job and it paid barely enough to afford food for the week. The interactions with other human beings were worth more than the £50 a shift, more invigorating to my happiness than a big bag of chips and a can of dandelion & burdock. 

With the Clothes Line gang - a few Red Stripes in, having a cuddle. 

I left Sheffield in 2014 and then my troubles really began. Now living in Leeds, I was short on work there, so travelled back to Sheffield regularly on the M1, via trains, on the National Express - usually alone. I would then DJ alone, for upwards of 5 hours, and then return home, where I would sleep - wake up alone, spend all day alone as my then girlfriend went to work, finding music, chasing gigs - mind constantly whirring, rarely allowing myself time to see friends, to see family or to relax - there were bills to pay and music was the only way I was going to pay them - and I would make it work. 

Playing indie bangers at Bumper in Liverpool - I caught the train and after the venue closed at 5am, I waited until 8am for the first train home sat on the steps outside Lime St Station. 

I fell into the worst part of my depression after the collapse of two relationships in quick succession - left alone to stew and process that heartbreak and misery for many hours a day as well as the usual non-stop work, travel, work, travel to work, travel work, work and non-stop work, that no-one even noticed that I wasn’t ok, because they were so used to not hearing from me. The assumption was (and still is in many cases) that I was that “funny guy” on their Facebook, that made them laugh or dance when they saw me (probably constantly drunk at this point, because I was absolutely fucking miserable) and not the guy that spent hours and hours on end in bed all day cry-laughing at himself for being a fucking hopeless loser and focussing on all the wrong things in a constant downward spiral of epic proportions. 

First ever designated dressing room at The Leadmill in Sheffield. 

A wonderful doctor friend of mine, Sarah, recognised I was depressed and encouraged me to visit my GP. I was in the GP for all of ten seconds, before I was dismissed with the NHS depression helpline number and told “It’s about a 6 month wait if you want to talk to someone.” Sarah then took it upon herself to ring me every day, even if it was just for 5 minutes - she’s a true credit to the NHS, her profession and a fucking good mate. She rang me every single day, without fail. She encouraged me to form a focus - and I decided to relocate to Manchester for a fresh start and new challenge. 

I’ve since had further help, a course of counselling at which my counsellors immediate opening gambit, when I told her how I was feeling and that I didn’t know why, was to say “Well it sounds like you’re a little bit lonely.” Things clicked pretty fast after that and I realised how important it was to make time to see your loved ones, the very thing I had been missing out on for years. 

Solitary figure playing music after our final year films had been screened at university. Palmed my own Dad off on my friends so I could play music most of the night. 

I’ve spoken to very few musicians, performers and even photographers/videographers/cruise ship dancers/fridge repair technicians that haven’t told me that at some point during their career they’ve not felt lonely - it goes with the territory of being self-employed or working in the arts/entertainment industry. It’s all “smiles for the gram” then smashing in a fucking gram, to forget that you’re fucking miserable and sat on your own most of the time, scrolling through your phone hoping that someone, anyone messages you with a better offer than “do you fancy sitting on the sofa in your pants going over your setlist for tonight again whilst simultaneously listening to 18 shit house remixes of the latest shit house record that you don’t really like but they’re hammering it on daytime radio so you probably better download it - just incase.” 

I’ve started interacting with my DJ pals more and more over the last year or so - and also the bar staff and managers in venues that I work in. Human interaction is hugely important and DJing/photographing/playing live music in bars and clubs can be a very negative environment, particularly when the general public often leave their manners at the door, or on the toilet floor after they’ve smashed in a few lines/tequilas. There’s a whole heap of rejection, huge highs that come out of the blue and big lows that shake you to your core, financially and emotionally - losing gigs sucks, being skint sucks, your favourite venues being forced to close down sucks, realising you’re too old to understand why students like certain songs sucks, being constantly berated and belittled as you just try to do your job on a Saturday night, by drunken wankers that apparently know more about music and the performing of music than you do, yet somehow, they appear to not have been booked to play this particular weekend SUCKS, being used as a cloakroom sucks, having beer spilled all over the thousands of pounds worth of equipment you’ve scrimped and saved for over the years and all over your favourite t-shirt DOUBLY SUCKS and walking out of a bar or club hoping that you’ve done a good job but not really being sure and having to then drive 3 hours home, on your own, via motorway closures, speed restrictions and road kill generally fucking sucks. But you can’t do anything else once that love has gripped you. You will play music until you die, until you breathe your last breath of grotty smoke machine fluid, get your last electric shock from a terrible bashed in plug socket in whatever bashed in, held together with sellotape club/bar you are playing in on the night and float off into the big DJ heaven in the sky, where there is a big sign saying “No morons, no requests, just 100% good music.” It’s in our blood. 

DJing is better with mates. Me and the Clothes Line gang at The Harley, the night we found out that we had been nominated for an exposed award. 

I’ve also found things that help to combat my loneliness at work, and the best ones are as follows. Having a group chat via social media with other DJ’s/Musicians that are working at the same time as you - sending jokes and laughing at other people’s shit requests in a group is wonderful. We also have socials where we all meet in person and laugh at people and their shit requests. And all the DJ in-jokes come out and we sit and make snide remarks like a bunch of gassed up Beyonce’s. Taking time off from weekend gigs, to socialise with friends, family and my amazing supportive and understanding girlfriend (DJ Widow Numero Uno and the best thing that ever happened to me) - I now try and plan my calendar a few weeks/months in advance so I can book these occasions in. Plus it gives you something to look forward to on the weekends/whatever other anti-social hours you are working. Taking time to try and engage with the public when they’re making requests (to a certain extent - I don’t let people take the piss!) cos as before, human interaction (even with drunk strangers that want you to play Cotton Eye Joe because it’s Sharon’s birthday and she’s 45) = Hugely important. 

The SXC Bois DJ massive on a social in Manchester.

Also I’ve very much enjoyed collaborating during music making, or music playing once or twice a month, so I’m not just sat on my own making weird pop music in our back bedroom. Most importantly, taking a bit of time away from music (although it is the second most important thing in my entire life) to engage in other activities. If you’re like me and your entire focus is on one thing and it engulfs your entire existence, it can become a bit exhausting, particularly for your friends who really, REALLY don’t care who you think the next best UK underground trip-hop swing crossover band are going to be, they just don’t care. They want to talk about the football. Go and watch the football. Music/work will be waiting when you get back. 

Collaborating with Duncan Vaughan, performing as Klixz for the first time, February 2018, at The Tuesday Club, Sheffield. 

The invitations aren’t flying in thick and fast, but I think that some of my closer friends have now started to realise that I’m not just constantly busy these days and I do want to see them and socialise and have fun. I always have, I just didn’t make them aware of it very well. And life is busy and sometimes things get in the way of hanging out with one another, but laughing at inappropriate jokes with good friends over a decent cup of tea will always make me happier than playing Darude - Sandstorm to a festival crowd of 2,000 people adorned with glowsticks. Well, it’s kind of 50/50 actually. But you can do both, on the same day, if you’re really clever. 

I hope this advice helps someone, even if it just makes you chuckle thinking about me hiding under my duvet severely depressing having a cry whilst at the same time laughing myself for how pathetic I am. Whether you’re just starting out or years into a career in music - loneliness is a real issue in the music industry and beyond - as if a constant fear of inadequacy, perfectionism, constant rejection, living hand to mouth, threat of going deaf and never being able to hear music again, venues closing and your car insurance premiums rising through the roof isn’t enough to send you over the edge, add in total unabridged loneliness to the bundle and you’ve got an unhappy sandwich soaked in misery dripping right there. But you don’t have to eat it. You always have a choice. 

Fuck loneliness. 

Your pal, 

Jimmy x

Useful links: 

24/7 helpline for musicians suffering with mental health issues:

https://www.musicmindsmatter.org.uk/

Musician meetup - if you’re in a new area and looking for someone to natter about Lou Reed and do a bit of jamming with:

https://www.meetup.com/topics/musicians/?_cookie-check=UiZDil7HvilO41v0

Musician’s Union - fighting for better lives for musicians everyday and a whole host of other useful links and help: 

https://www.musiciansunion.org.uk/

The Samaritans - free phone number 116123 (UK)

https://www.samaritans.org/how-we-can-help-you/contact-us?gclid=Cj0KCQjwxtPYBRD6ARIsAKs1XJ5sL3-1_5YZp5YtWVhvwwnPIWkzdNs4rqLCMML72ZB6es__6mne5IsaAjnfEALw_wcB

Thanks for reading! <3 

[i-am-very-very-tired]

With the impending release of his fifth studio album — the first since the four-time platinum, Grammy-nominated 2016 Views — Drake has many questions surrounding him. Can he again move a million units in a week? Can he prove all the doubters wrong after two years of ghostwriting allegations? Can he top “Hotline Bling” or “One Dance”? Can More Life overtake Take Care as Drake’s undoubted classic album?

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But also, can he, like so many artists in 2016 — Beyoncé (Lemonade), Solange (A Seat at the Table), Rihanna (Anti), Kanye West (The Life of Pablo), Young Thug (Jeffery) — take risks on his new album, exposing a deeper version of himself? Drake and his legion of fans — and his seemingly equal number of detractors — are waiting with bated breath for March 18 to see what the 6 God has been cooking up. But before we can call the new project “classic” or “trash,” before we spend the next few weeks debating the best and worst tracks, here’s the most important question that Drake has to answer: Can he stop attempting to control women?

Over the past eight years, Drake’s built up a reputation as being the compassionate and less threatening (read: soft) rapper who appears on The Ellen DeGeneres Show, cuddles up with professional athletes, and gets tattoos of Aaliyah. He’s played the role of Nice Guy by constantly smiling, and apparently wearing his heart on his sleeve. This appeals to the sensitivities of the women in his fan base. But, as is often the case with these so-called nice guys, Drake plays the charmer — he’ll call you beautiful, open doors for you and send you smiley-face emojis — but the minute he has sex with you, or you move on to someone else, he turns into Michael Ealy in The Perfect Guy.

Drake’s corniness, outward kindness and lack of sexual aggression has been misinterpreted as an overarching respect for women. He’s even been referred to as a feminist. But Drake is as much a feminist as Rachel Dolezal is a black woman. His entire catalog is steeped in respectability politics, accepting women so far as their body count goes.

Those songs pale in comparison to “Shot For Me,” “Marvin’s Room” and “Practice.” They are Drake at his worst.

While he’s constantly praised Nicki Minaj over the years, Drake belittled the Grammy-nominated artist during his beef with her former boyfriend, Meek Mill — Is that a world tour or your girl’s tour? — implying that it’s emasculating for a man to receive second billing to his significant other.

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As with stars of rock and country music, almost every successful rapper today, from Jay Z to Future to Chance the Rapper, has at some point performed lyrics that objectify or exploit women. J.Cole’s music has taken on more social justice elements over the years (Drake has spoken out for black causes as well). But Cole, in a 2013 song, called women “b—–s” —I got smart, I got rich, and I got b—–s still/And they all look like my eyebrows: thick as hell — and patriarchally dismisses female sexuality on 2014’s “No Role Modelz”:

My only regret was too young for Lisa Bonet, my only regret was too young for Nia Long/Now all I’m left with is hoes from reality shows, hand her a script the b—h probably couldn’t read along

Even so-called progressive rappers fall into this trap, namely the androgynous Young Thug and the genderfluid Young M.A.

Sometime between Drake’s early rise and his third mixtape being converted into 2009’s So Far Gone, the rapper known for singing about his romantic feelings and the pressure of newfound fame — with a flow that made every 16 bars sound like the hottest verse ever — became his own worst enemy. Drake, known for hits like 2009’s “Best I Ever Had” and 2010’s “Find Your Love,” became synonymous with quote-heavy memes on social media, and fake Twitter accounts such as @drakkardnoir pumped out fake deep quote after fake deep quote.

But the rapper’s verses about loving and being proud of college-educated, independent women — Sound so smart like you graduated college/Like you went to Yale but you probably went to Howard — paved the way for hypermasculine diatribes against the sexual agency of seemingly any woman he’s ever encountered. Through an examination of Drake’s four studio albums, plus mixtapes, collaborative projects and guest features, it is clear that the man who made music for folks who couldn’t get over their exes was himself struggling with the basic concept of “moving on.”

While So Far Gone doesn’t count as a studio album — it was his final mixtape before signing with Universal Republic — it gave listeners a sneak peek into the troublesome lyrics Drake would release in subsequent years. On the soothing track “Houstatlantavegas,” he raps about “saving” an exotic dancer from a strip club:

You go get f—– up and we just show up at your rescue/Carry you inside, get you some water and undress you.

I give you my all and the next morning you’ll forget who or why, or how, or when/Tonight is prolly ’bout to happen all over again.

Thank Me Later, Drake’s 2010 debut studio album, features the rapper slut-shaming women for having previous sexual partners. From “Karaoke” (I hope that you don’t get known for nothing crazy/Cause no man ever wants to hear those stories ’bout his lady) to “Miss Me” (Work somethin’, twerk something, basis/She just tryna make it so she’s right here getting naked. I don’t judge her, I don’t judge her/But I could never love her) to “Thank Me Now” (Alohas to women with no ties to men/That I know well, that way there are no lies), Drake positions women with previous sexual experience as undesirable. On the Rihanna-assisted “Take Care,” he seems to open up to the idea of women having sexual agency, relenting I’ve asked about you and they told me things/But my mind didn’t change and I still feel the same.

Thank Me Later was also at times a celebration of independent women – appreciating women’s “book smarts and street smarts” on “Shut it Down” and “Fancy” — but set the foundation for 2011’s Take Care, which was, at that point, the peak of Drake’s overt misogyny and objectification of women. On Take Care, which won Drake a Grammy for best rap album — he continues his focus on sex workers with “Lord Knows”:

To all these women that think like men with the same intentions

Talking strippers and models that try to gain attention.

Even a couple porn stars that I’m ashamed to mention.

“Under Ground Kings” (Sometimes I need that romance, sometimes I need that pole dance/Sometimes I need that stripper that’s gon’ tell me that she don’t dance) even creates a binary of acceptable and unacceptable behavior. While Drake has an infatuation with exotic dancers, he also makes it clear that admiration only goes as far as sex. “Trust Issues,” which Drake said he made for “fun” and thus didn’t include on the album, has Drake playing into the thoroughly debunked myth that women can’t want sex as much as men, rapping And it’s probably why I’m scared to put the time in/Women want to f— like they’re me and I’m them.

Those songs, though, pale in comparison to “Shot For Me,” “Marvin’s Room” and “Practice.” They are Drake at his worst, going beyond the behaviors of the paternalistic and disapproving ex. He goes from telling a woman she’s drinking away the pain she feels due to leaving him on “Shot For Me” — Yeah, I’m the reason why you always getting faded — to cursing out another for finding happiness with a new lover on “Marvin’s Room” (F— that n—-a that you love so bad).

Despite admitting that he’s a flawed individual in the latter song, in the former he tells the woman that he “made” her and calls her a “b—-.” This then leads to Drake’s most confusing and disturbing song to date, “Practice.” While acknowledging that women can have sex — the song is about a woman having multiple partners — Drake then spins it to his advantage: All those other men were practice, they were practice/Yeah, for me, for me, for me, for me. He senses “pain and regret” in the woman from her past, and then reluctantly accepts the fact that she has casual sex. He tops the song off with an uncomfortable, familial request: You can even call me daddy, give you someone to look up to.

But, Drake can still change. His lyrics paint the picture of a man who is constantly questioning himself.

It’s 2016’s “Hotline Bling” that ignited the re-examination of Drake’s entire catalog. The song is the rapper’s second-best-selling single of all time (behind fellow Views track “One Dance”), and won him two Grammys at last month’s award show. Not to mention, the visuals for the song will go down in music history as one of the most memorable music videos of all time.

But while the chorus is equal parts infectious and mesmerizing, Drake sneaks in two verses and a bridge full of “reductive stereotypes” and body-policing lyrics about an old fling. Whether about said woman “wearing less and goin’ out more” or “going places where you don’t belong,” Drake makes it apparent that he’s offended that she has the audacity to move on with her life. By the end of the song, Drake’s become so desperate that he’s even concerned that the woman is “bendin’ over backwards for someone else.” Textbook narcissism.

His guest appearances have been a mixed bag as well. On rapper The Game’s 2011 track “Good Girls Go Bad,” Drake raps Who’s still getting tested?/Where’s all the women that still remember who they slept with? and a year later added to 2 Chainz’s “No Lie”:

She could have a Grammy, I still treat her a– like a nominee

Just need to know what that p—- like

So one time is fine with me.

Over the past couple of years, Drake has put out two mixtapes, a solo effort If You’re Reading This It’s Too Late, and What A Time To Be Alive with Future. His male chauvinism can be found on tracks “Legend,” “Energy” and “Madonna” and repeatedly calls a woman “ungrateful” for living her life without him on “Diamonds Dancing.” As writer Tahirah Hairston pointed out, Drake has also had questionable lyrics on “Wu-Tang Forever,” “Own It,” “Furthest Thing,” “I’m The Plug” and even notable feminist Beyoncé’s “Mine.”

Back in October, Drake released three tracks from his upcoming More Life album — “Fake Love,” “Sneakin’,” and “Two Birds, One Stone.” Looking solely at those tracks, it appears Drake has let up a little on his control, instead rapping about success, fake friends and his long list of haters. Even his appearance on labelmate Nicki Minaj’s diss to Remy Ma, “No Frauds,” he steers clear of trying to preserve women’s sanctity.

For nearly a decade now, Drake has wrapped up his alarming lyrics inside catchy, Instagram-caption-worthy choruses and tunes. The “light-skinned Keith Sweat” gets away with this because he carefully crafted a “nice guy” persona that deflects the criticism that, say, a 21 Savage, Kodak Black or the Migos would receive.

For many men, Drake’s attitudes reflect their own attitudes and desires, which in turn reflect a patriarchal society that views women as sexual objects meant to be gazed at. For women, they’ve had to deal with sexism in the arts since the beginning of time, so choosing to not enjoy an artist because of his views on sexuality would mean giving up on music all together. And at the end of the day, Drake is just that good at his job, unquestionably the most influential and popular musician in the business right now.

But Drake can still change. His lyrics paint the picture of a man who is constantly questioning himself, consistently trying to become a better person, whatever that entails. From So Far Gone to More Life — age 22 to 30 — he’s learned all the lessons life can teach, from whom to trust to what forms of happiness money and fame can buy. But it seems he’s yet to learn that women aren’t sexual objects. They’re human beings. If the only women of the world were all exactly like the women he seems to respect — his mother or Rihanna or Aaliyah or Serena Williams — we’d call him Aubrey the Riveter. But, they aren’t the only women who deserve his respect.

He knows that. But it begs the question: Does he care?

Martenzie is a writer for The Undefeated. His favorite cinematic moment is when Django said "Y'all want to see somethin?"

[newyorkprelawland-blog]

College Athlete To College Millionaire Athlete

By Nibras Islam, Binghamton University Class of 2022

September 12, 2021

The commissioner of the National Collegiate Athletic Association (NCAA) earns between $4-5 million, while the commissioners of the top conferences make about $2-3 million. Some college athletic directors make over $1 million annually, while Division I football program coaches can make as much as $11 million, with their assistants earning about $2.5 million annually. Division I programs also earn more revenue from regular-season games due to the viewers attracted. Some television contracts, such as March Madness, are worth as much as $1.1 billion. The NCAA players, the stars and lifeblood of the industry, earn nothing. In fact, they are prohibited from profiting off their hard work and talents. 

The issue of athletes finally being allowed to profit off their name, image, and likeness comes after a long and heated battle that the NCAA had long tried to avoid. Under the clause that college athletes were to be preserved as “amateurs” and NCAA did not intend to compensate as such. Athletes would be subjected to high penalties for accepting any form of gifts or presents, and these punishments ranged anywhere from fines and indefinite suspensions, to losing eligibility altogether. The NCAA president Mark Emmert has long upheld that there should not be blurred lines between professional and collegiate sports, and that college sports would die if athletes were paid. They argue that compensation would draw away from the competitive nature, and the high ratings from consumers reflect a genuine love of collegiate sports games, not originating from financial motives. While this new era of name, image, and likeness certainly has yet to fully unfurl, it certainly comes as a welcome to many.

The case comes subsequent to another NCAA court defeat in June, NCAA vs. Alston which concerns the jurisdiction of the NCAA in restricting and limiting education-related benefits granted to student-athletes. The case was against the NCAA standing rule that capped the amount of scholarship funding schools could offer to student athletes. The former group of athletes that sued had done so on the grounds that the limitation violated antitrust laws designed to promote competition. The 9-0 decision was rendered by the Supreme court in favor of the group, with Justice Neil Gorsuch delivering the majority opinion stating: 

"To the extent the NCAA means to propose a sort of judicially ordained immunity from the terms of the Sherman Act for its restraints of trade- that we should overlook its restrictions because they happen to fall at the intersection of higher education, sports, and money- we cannot agree."

Justice Brett Kavanagh also delivered a concurring opinion, stating impactful words such as “The NCAA is not above the law,” and that the decision "marks an important and overdue course correction" and poses "serious questions" about the NCAA's existing compensation rule. He further tore into the corporation by delivering what would seem to indicate that the Supreme Court would align with those arguing in favor of compensation with athletes. He states:

“But the student athletes who generate the revenues, many of whom are African American and from lower-income backgrounds, end up with little or nothing. Nowhere else in America can businesses get away with agreeing not to pay their workers a fair market rate on the theory that their product is defined by not paying their workers a fair market rate. And under ordinary principles of antitrust law, it is not evident why college sports should be any different."

The result of the decision meant that schools would now be allowed to entice student-athletes to their schools with incentives that they could not have before, such as scholarships, internships, foreign study programs, computers, and other benefits. By the time of the decision, about twelve states had already passed legislation that student athletes should be allowed to be compensated for their name, image, and likeness to enact shortly, and congress was on the verge of deliberating on the matter as well. While the issue of education related benefits was separate from the issue of compensation of the athletes, the 9-0 defeat in the Supreme Court and imminent further pending legal battles surely seemed to be a proactive measure and had some part in the NCAA deciding to allow for athletes to be compensated. 

Nonetheless, the reversal rendered on behalf of the NCAA board of governors is relatively new, and cause for conflicting discourse over what is deemed permitted in this uncharted territory of college sports.  There are existing laws in different states, but they generally seem to vary, such as the “Fair Pay to Play” Act in California, or the Student-Athlete Equity act in North Carolina. The general guidelines seem to dissuade getting sponsored by bar-like settings that promote gambling, tobacco, alcohol, adult entertainment, or anything that would be deemed questionable by a school’s morals and desire for association. University of Louisville banned its athletes from signing with Barstool Sports, which reportedly already has 150, 000 athletes signed. Other guidelines include not being directly compensated for athletic performance and understanding of the athlete to be fully aware of what is expected in return for compensation, which could be grounds for trouble. Some school officials even fear for the athlete’s personal safety, such as Professor and CEO of the Global Sport Institute at Arizona State University-Tempe, Kenneth L. Shropshire, who states that students should investigate their university athletics department resources, seeking active conversations with their university compliance officer, state guidelines, and even attorneys, accountants, and personal advisers. At Nebraska, the school has taken steps as far as launching an educational support program to combat the pitfalls of navigating the athlete marketplace. Due to the predatory nature of agencies and companies trying to exploit many athletes in the professional world, many are fearful that susceptible and unwary college students may also fall victim. 

The name, image, and likeness era already has had profound effects, and not just for athlete’s personal banking accounts. For eons, the NCAA has held a monopoly in college sports, and even the universities had the leverage of advertising and marketing, attracting future talent in perpetuity. With these reversals, the power balance shifts and athletes can utilize their hard work that has led them to that point, as well as gain something monetarily to show for their grueling student-athlete schedules. They would be able to monetize their social media posts, engage in sponsorship ads, and profit from merchandise, memorabilia, and autographs. Even lesser talented athletes may be able to leverage their social media presence to attract further recognition from big brands that recognize the value and importance of personal branding. By utilizing their social media platforms to attract engagement, they possess marketability and net worth value, always a crucial factor when trying to make one’s institution more lucrative. UCLA gymnast Katelyn Ohashi, who went viral for one of her floor routines, could have had a small fortune. Athletes such as Zion Williamson, with his viral high school and college basketball mixtapes, could have developed their brand much earlier than they had already set out to do in their assured claim to fame. One’s personal brand and likeness is arguably the most priceless item one possesses. That is the utmost essence of our personal intellectual property; the fiber of who we individually are as a human-being. 

It is crucial that we help protect athletes, given how much they sacrifice their bodies for entertainment and monetary value as with any other nationally broadcasted sports, let alone home to two of the top money-making series in college football and basketball. Given how many athletes pursue athletics to combat socioeconomic difficulties, it is absurd to think that a multi-billion-dollar industry, $8.8 billion in television deals generating in over $1.1 billion in revenue to be exact, somehow has the audacity to ensure regulations that its athletes are prohibited from something as simple as obtaining a new laptop to engage in their educational curriculum, resources which they may have not had previously. Over 19 states have enacted or are in the process of passing in the coming years, laws regarding NIL. Furthermore, there is a pending lawsuit of NCAA vs. House, in which U.S. District Judge Claudia Wilken denied the NCAA and its Power 5 Conferences motion to dismiss the suit regarding four players who had been denied pay for appearing in television broadcasts. These may be the first in a string of many defeats for the National Collegiate Athletic Association and exposing the corporations’ violations of antitrust principles and regulations. 

This new era also stems into further issues, such as the gender wage imbalance in sports or international student-athlete eligibility, or whether high school NIL eligibility will become a subsequent prominent issue, such as in the case of Texas high school senior Quinn Ewers forgoing his senior year of high school due to Texas’s high school NIL ban. Not to mention, the ever-changing progression of intellectual property technology and regulation that comes with it, such as whether athletes will be able to utilize their school’s intellectual property unequivocally in their financial ventures, or regarding cryptocurrency and whether athletes will be able to profit off non-fungible tokens (NFTs). Nonetheless, the era of name image and likeness is revolutionary in a plethora of remarkable ways, and unprecedented in the existence of collegiate sports.  

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Nibras Islam is currently an undergraduate senior studying Philosophy, Politics, and Law at Binghamton University with a minor in economics. He hopes to seek admission into law school for the Fall 2022 class. He is a part of the mock trial team and is a Licensed Real Estate Agent at a student-housing oriented brokerage. His hobbies and passions include fashion, music, basketball, and football. 

______________________________________________________________

https://sites.law.berkeley.edu/thenetwork/2021/04/06/the-future-of-the-ncaas-business-model-is-in-jeopardy/

https://www.boston.com/sports/college-sports/2021/07/01/ncaa-paying-athletes-rules/

https://optimumsportsconsulting.substack.com/p/nil-newsletter-10-thursday-august?utm_campaign=post&utm_medium=email&utm_source=copy

https://www.sportico.com/law/analysis/2021/house-v-ncaa-legal-primer-1234632887/

https://www.supremecourt.gov/opinions/20pdf/20-512_gfbh.pdf

https://www.collegeandprosportslaw.com/uncategorized/the-hits-keep-coming-ncaa-loses-another-name-image-and-likeness-court-decision/

https://collegerowcoach.org/name-image-and-likeness/

https://www.forbes.com/sites/michaelrueda/2021/02/11/why-college-athletes-must-prepare-for-the-name-image-and-likeness-era/?sh=46a2ad6e2634

https://unafraidshow.com/ncaa-pay-college-athletes-name-image-likeness/

https://www.usnews.com/education/best-colleges/articles/name-image-likeness-what-college-athletes-should-know-about-ncaa-rules

[btsandvmin]

Ask: Reply - 2021.03.18

I don’t know what might be the best way to go about asks, but for now I’ll try to answer asks as they come and when I can/want to I’ll collect them together in a post instead of answering indivudually. I’ve seen other Vminie blogs with similar formats and have done a few collection posts like this before, and it really seems to be the easiest way to digest your questions.

Let’s go through what you’ve sent me today as I finally opened up this blog for asks again. :)

Topics:

Ask 1 - Vmin’s emotional connection vs ship moments Ask 2 - KTH1 and creative control Ask 3 - What makes a ship big? Ask 4 - Thoughts on Tae/kook’s relationship (+ edit on other post) Ask 5 - When did they first mention the dumpling fight? Ask 6 - A little about me and my big analysis Ask 7-9 - Thank yous and nice things

Thank you all for waiting. <3 Read more under the cut.

Ask 1 -  Vmin’s emotional connection vs ship moments

I agree with you. I might not look at other ships as focused as I do with Vmin, but I would guess no other ship comes close to how much Vmin have shown their emotional intimacy in many ways over the years. Not to mention how many times even BTS themselves point out Vmin’s bond as special. Not to mention to begin with we shouldn’t be insecure about their bond based on their interactions with others. We should judge Vmin based on how they interact with each other.

All members have skinship (though some more than others), but both Jimin and Tae are super comfortable with touching, sometimes even with strangers. Looking at moments you can ship all ships, and there are even those that believe their ship to be real for almost all ships in BTS at this point. Why? Well because if you focus on your ship and put emphasis on the moments between them as bigger or more important, you can find “proof” for anything. Because that’s just how close and shipworthy all of the dynamics in BTS are. They all love each other, and shippers can find their own preferred love amongst them. 

I think we also need to remember all the things Vmin has CONFIRMED that other shippers try to prove with their own ships. How is tae/kook hugging or ji/kook cuddling supposed to make me feel insecure about Vmin when they have that too AND call each other soulmates in a song that made one of their procucers cry and other things like Namjoon getting goosebumps thinking about their bond? Taehyung cried reading his letter to Jimin and Jimin said no other member would likely truly understand why he cried. Taehyung has called Jimin the warmest person he knows and his one and only best friend. AND AGAIN, SOULMATE. The years of material we have show us again and again how important they are to each other and how they grow and work hard together to make their bond even stronger.

Vminies, please appriciate what we have because we are spoiled.

Ask 2 - KTH1 and creative control

Honestly this is a difficult one. The thing is that we know that likely to some degree Big Hit will always be involved with what the boys do and release. But I also think their freedom to express themselves is better than most idol companies, and BTS whole brand is to be as genuine as possible. As for what Tae would be asked to tone down is hard to say exactly, but we do know that Yoongi and Namjoon (and other members) have been pretty dark and honest in their lyrics. I know from a Vmin perspective it could be something either LGBT+ or even directly Vmin related, but there isn’t enough to go on for me to make a good guess. We literally just know that he was told to tone it down. It doesn’t even have to be about the subjects or lyrics, even though that does seem the most likely. But we do know that Taehyung wants to release something that reflect him and that he can be proud of, so I am sure no matter what we get they will be his honest feelings. I am very excited and a bit scared thinking about Tae’s mixtape if I am being honest.

That being said, I think there could be lines that they should be careful not to cross. I think it’s possible with Taehyung’s personality who “doesn’t beat around the bush” that he might want to express more than what might be appropriate. Not just from Big Hit’s perspective but for his own sake. Don’t get me wrong, I am not saying Tae is an idiot who doesn’t know what’s good for him. I just think at times he might be rebellious against his own better judement because it is something so important to him. For me talking about the Christmas song is partly such a moment, but I still think he was careful and ambiguous enough about it, even though he allowed himself to complain. Still, I am sure if it is about sexuality or even a relationship he knows the risks of being too open about it and would likely understand the need to be careful, or tone things down, if that was the case. A mixtape/album is not something done rashly or in the moment, so no matter what we get I am sure it will have been checked and considered by Tae and by Big Hit.

So basically I suppose the delay could be about creative control but mostly I really think it’s about Taehyung wanting to do well and writing when he feels like it without pressure. Which I feel is a very healthy approach by him honestly. We know mixtapes takes time and we know how Hobi felt about his first one, so I really think we should just give him time and I am sure we will get something amazing.

Ask 3 - What makes a ship big?

Aaaaaaw~! Thank you so much for your love and compliments. I feel like am very lacking in many areas still, but regardless I am glad my posts are appriciated. If I can bring a smile to anyones’ face that is an acomplishment to be proud of. Thank you. <3

As for what makes a ship big or not is of course quite subjective. For me at this point I would say ALL BTS ships are big ships. Not comparing them to each other but just by the huge amount of fans they all have. (I hope you don’t have to learn the pain or liking a rare-pair from a small fandom T-T). Almost all the ships in BTS even have analysis and people who believe in them, and I think that is partly an effect of size as well. That being said I think the bigger a ship is the easier it is for it to grow more. Which is why it is no surprise a lot of BTS ships that were popular right at the start are still the biggest ones now. But with more material and more fans there comes communities focused on their own ship, and they all grow as they get more moments. Vmin too have had a few times when they blow up for a while and gather new curious shippers. Friends is clearly a great example of this. Even Sweet Night seem to be something of a turning point for some to start shipping Vmin. All ships will grown in size with each passing year as we are always given new material. Even if a ship doesn’t get a lot, it will likely get enough to keep fans engaged.

For me I would say the loudest and the most agressive are often the biggest  (more bad apples the bigger the basket you know) and I think we can see some size indications by what ships trend more often etc. Ships can also be big in different ways and in different forums... Like how ji/kookers have taken tumblr as their platform while tae/kookers seem to be on youtube comments a lot.

All in all I don’t think size matters much though. Especially not with BTS where all ships get a lot of material and has their own fans who create for, share and dicuss about their pair. Popularity to me is not really something I think too much about, and honestly I think the way only the most popular pairs seem to get attention in the form of “worry” etc. is very telling. If JK and Hobi share a bed and cuddle and celebrate JK’s BD together, or Hobi post them having a picknick outside their house at night no one bats an eye... But if it was JK with one of Vmin? Confirmed to be dating and all other shippers get worried. 

Going into detail why ships gets big is a different conversation though. :P I hope I understood your ask correctly. Basically I consider all BTS ships as more or less big (perhaps with the exception of 2seok).

Ask 4 - Thoughts on Tae/kook’s relationship

So I got two Tae/kook asks today, seemingly because Tae/kook has had a lot of moments recently. I deleted the first one, but this one I feel is safe enough to share. I’ve talked about tae/kook before... (HERE for example) and I stand by that now too. I don’t have to dismiss other ships to feel confident about Vmin’s love for each other.

Tae/kook has always had a very physical and playful dynamic. Even when Tae changed and toned down this side of him we got moments where he played with JK or they hugged or cuddled close. I do see a little change now after ITS but mostly in that Tae seems to initiate more, not that it looks different in nature. I think when Tae changed his dynamic with JK lost a lot of it’s “main focus” as Tae wasn’t as playful. Look at JK with Jin as a comparison and I think JK in general is drawn to hang with people who are happy and fun to tease. 

Anyways, about their bond I do think tae/kook are close but as grown men they don’t have the same relationship that they used to when they were younger. They simply grew up and their dynamics changed. They haven’t had a lot of more serious conversations, but I think now that distance have become a little shorter after ITS. I think Tae/kook has a great bond that is underrated by many in the fandom but overrated greatly by their shippers. They clearly love each other and have fun with each other and can be very comfortable physically. 

But are they as close as Vmin? Personally I really doubt it. And even if Tae/kook would be real why should that have any impact on Vmin? Surely you wouldn’t think they are together but cheating or something drastic like that. I am also not sure why you would be particularly worried about tae/kook based on physical interactions alone though... I mean, both Hope/kook, Tae/jin, Ji/kook and Vmin also have a loooot of very intimate looking moments if you ask me.

You don’t have to worry about Vmin. If Tae has gushed about Jimin being special to him from 2013 to 2020 I don’t see why 2021 would be any different.

I also got a reply to this post where I mentioned the tae/kook ask I deleted. I must first say that it was my mistake to write JK’s lips and not his lip mole. I have edited the post to make clear he talked about the mole and not the lips.

Either way, thank you anon for giving perspective and adding your thoughts to the moments. Not to mention moments like this happen for all members and I don’t think we can draw any strong conclusions from them saying another members is sexy or something similar. But yeah, people pick and choose what they will remember, and often focusing on the negative will leave a bigger impact than the positive.

Ask 5 - When did they first mention the dumpling fight?

Hi and don’t worry. I honestly think a lot of Vminies don’t know about this because the first time was such a small moment not many would pay attention and remember it. We knew about it since 2016 where Tae offhandedly mentioned him and Jimin fighting about dumplings once.

I don’t even have the actual source for the first time Tae mentioned it, but it was all the way back in July 2016 in an interview with @star1 magazine, so we know it happened before that.

Then Tae got asked about it on a post it during a BST era fansign as well. Also, did you know the reason they fought was 💜?

Yeah.... Let’s just say I am not surprised at all to hear their dumpling fight having more meaning than first let on. As with most things brought up in the lyrics of Friends it’s something we already knew about since before. I also talked about this in my post Vmin analysis - “Friends”. (Though at that point we hadn’t heard them speak much about it and didn’t know how big of a deal it seemed to be.) It makes me wonder if the other things they talk about in the lyrics might also have more meaning than we know. 

Personally I think the reason we even got them talking about the dumpling incident so much is thanks to JK in the carpool karaoke. When asked what Vmin would fight about he was the one who mentioned dumplings and likely brought more attention to it than if it would simply have remained as one of the many lyrical anecdotes in the song. I am glad we got to know more, because honestly the dumpling incident seems to have been a pivotal moment in Vmin’s relationship.

Ask 6 - A little about me and my big analysis

Hi and thank you so much for the lovely compliments. Trying to consider all kinds of possibilities I feel should be obvious if you truly want to analyse something, but sadly I think when it comes to observing real people and being invested emotionally that becomes really difficult. Me too have to hold myself back a lot, because in the end there is always going to be room for error. And if I am wrong, who will be hurt? Likely all of you who listen to me and take my words into consideration. So I rather be upfront about the risk of being wrong than to speak too confidently and accidentally ending up misleading someone. I am really so happy and proud over Vminies who can stand back and not become delusional despite everything we actually have (this includes myself, because it’s not always easy to not get caught up in theories).

As for who I am it’s of course ok to ask. I am from Sweden and is 30 years old. (English isn’t my native language so I hope you forgive my mistakes, I know I have a lot of them in my posts). I’ve been a BTS fan since 2016 and Vmin fan almost since the start. I have been a fan of other groups long before BTS too and was pretty deep into the Japanese idol culture before fell for K-pop. For some additional info I also work with marketing and project managing and have a degree in conflict resolution. Thanks for being curious about me. :)

About my big analysis I am working on it still, and of course I hope to post it as soon as I can. I am a bit hesistant in bringing attention to some things though, as I have seen some of my previous theories and speculations be regarded as fact. I don’t want Vminies to run with my interpretations in a way that make them confident in Vmin being real. So yeah, I do want to post it, but I am also a bit worried what reactions it might get. I try very hard to remind you all that my theories are only speculations and we won’t know anything for sure (unless it would be confirmed). It still isn’t finished yet though, but I’ll keep working hard.

Ask 7 -  Thank you for the fic rec

Thank you! I am glad you enjoyed it. I haven’t had too much time to catch up on reading and just added a lot from my bookmarks, but good thing it was so appriciated by you all. Vmin writers truly are amazing aren’t they? :) 

(And don’t worry about me getting bad asks. I think I would have quit a long time ago if I let them bother me too much.)

Ask 8 - Just a very sweet anon

Thank you! I’m ok. Not great, but ok. Life goes on, you know? But I feel like I finally have the energy to blog again, and honestly that feels pretty great. It feels like I’ve been gone forever, but I hope you will still enjoy my musings and thoughts as you send me questions and I write new posts. :3

Ask 9 - The whole world is different from yesterday~ Just with your joy~

Omg what a sweet thing to say, thank you so much, you are putting a big smile on my face right now. I am glad you enjoy and understand my thoughts so much. I know many of you have missed my thoughts and even asked me when I would open my asks again, and so much always happen with Vmin too... (There is literally enough material to write books about them.) Thank you for waiting and being so understanding. I am happy to be back too. <3

Thank you everyone for you asks and I hope you liked this new format. :) I’ll try to keep it up and if you have any thoughts and opinions feel free to share them.

[tinkdw]

I need you

So I’ve been talking about Cas and Dean/Cas a lot, obviously. Then @amwritingmeta cemented yesterday through a post about Cas in 12x23 (addressed below) some concepts that were floating around my head throughout season 11/12 in relation to Cas’ view of self and how Dean speaks to him so thank you dear! - here it is. 

For me Cas’ mental state and how broken he is is of utmost importance to my reading of the events of season 12, so here it is.

( Before I start, I must state that I AM A DEAN GIRL, I LOVE DEAN, this is NOT an anti Dean post, because I know some might jump on this like how dare you, I LOVE DEAN but I am not blind to his actions and his own issues and how they affect others and how these need to be resolved and are being resolved. This is my perception of what is going on on screen in front of my eyes for 2 years and how it impacts others. It’s a part of the story and it is totally relevant and hugely important to both Dean and Cas’ own arcs, so this may seem negative NOW but it is NOT in the long run. )

Right, that over, here it is.

Dean’s repression and his miscommunication with Cas in seasons 11 & 12, on top of Cas’ already fragile mental state results in misunderstanding and actually cementing Cas’ sense of lack of self worth and value as his own person.

Which obviously is completely the opposite of what Dean wants to do.

Dean’s own issues are making Cas’ worse, or at least, not helping resolve them. Together they can grow. Their arcs are heavily interlinked and not just romantically.

By repressing his feelings and not being honest about what he feels and wants Dean, through his words throughout these two seasons in particular is actually reinforcing Cas’ sense of usefulness only as a tool and even then not a very good one. Even though he tries at individual times to be honest and open, particularly in season 12, the general gist is not this (that is what is under the cut as it’s long).

Eg. 12x10: Dean tries to be honest, he is clear that he cares about Cas. 

But due to all the rest outside of this (see below) and Cas’ own personal issues Cas still thinks his own life is not important

This attempt by Dean to be kind and honest and gentle is just like the beer:

“Well, this will do very little for me, but I-I appreciate the gesture.”

Cas can see the attempt, he is grateful for it, but it doesn't CHANGE anything, it still does LITTLE FOR HIM, it’s not enough and his own issues stop it from being seen for what it is.

So Dean (just like in 12x07 and so many other times) can't cope with this discussion, with Cas saying he’s prepared to sacrifice himself, so he represses his feelings and moves on, back to the case, as per his usual form

Which for Cas therefore just means that he understands that Dean doesn't care as much as he does, as much as WE know he does, because Cas is so literal and has such low self worth and depression, this all comes together to mean he just doesn't see below this facade and this repression to the caring below, he still keeps thinking of himself as expendable and less important than the Winchesters and particularly of course, Dean.

Cas is so literal, yes he’s learning, but he is still extremely literal and doesn't really get subtext, in season 8 for example he went and bought things that Dean has talked about out loud or shown to Cas visually that he likes: pie, the porn mags, toilet roll. When Mary says she was nervous and had to pee, he says “urination, I understand” because he does understand urination, but does he understand what she’s saying about being nervous? That there’s an issue for her? He doesn't offer her any kind of words of support like “it’ll be fine, Mary”, which you know he would if she flat out said “I’m nervous”, because we saw that attempt at support with Kelly on numerous occasions.

- Dean represses and doesn't use his words and hopes people understand what he means. - Cas needs things to be said pretty literally for him to understand them. It’s a standard misunderstanding romance trope.

Moving forwards Dean needs to learn to use his words and face his own feelings and Cas needs to escape his depression and find self worth. Lucky (ikr?! :p) this is exactly what has been set up, particularly through showing this negative side to come out shining at the other end :)

All this background in season 11 and 12 under the cut:

Season 11:

WE see that Cas is clearly and expressly depressed. He has a FULL ON panic attack, he is depressed, watching day time TV, Metatron TELLS US he is broken

Dean notices but doesn't see how bad it is, he tries to pull him out of it by using the case, using his usefulness 

He then continues this theme all the way through until Cas gives himself over to Lucifer

We also have a clear exposition in both Cas’ meeting with Amara and Ambriel that he, due to his personal reasons aside from Dean, feels useless and only useful as a tool, which allows Lucifer to possess him to help.

This is NOT RESOLVED.

Dean doesn't see what WE see, he knows Cas is not fine but not up to what point, he also doesn't really know how to cope with it so copes how he would with himself, focusing on getting by day by day, repressing and trying to be of use, because that is just about what works for him, getting from one apocalypse to another, but it doesn't work, it’s not addressing the issue, it’s masking the symptoms by just keeping going, which we know for ALL of them just keeps making it worse until it finally all blows up...

Then we have season 12 where this continues. Dean doesn't tell Mary (on screen) who Cas really is, what he means to them and how much he’s helped etc etc etc (I’m reminded of him talking to Claire about Cas saving the world and Jimmy being a hero in s10 and how Cas ofc doesn't see this, it’s just MORE of the them not telling each other how they feel), so Dean tells Mary just that he’s an Angel, not that he's like a brother to them even (which, is another point, because Cas doesn't want to be an Angel, he wants to be a part of their family, but here is Dean introducing him as precisely not what he wants to be) 

then Cas is used to find Sam, beating up the informants and doing the leg work, when we know that Cas hates doing this, he doesn’t like conflict, hurting people, fighting, but he does it because it’s necessary.

6x06:

(SO many season 6/12 parallels I have a tag for it and it’s just... yeah, so relevant).

Then in 12x03 we see Cas still feeling the guilt and need to find Lucifer, it’s brilliant that the boys want to go with him, but Cas rejects this and they don't push. It’s just MORE miscommunication. If Cas had said I feel awful and depressed and I need to fix this, I want your support but I don't feel like I deserve it, I feel like I should do this alone and not burden you... If Dean and Sam said no, we want to come with you, we are FAMILY, we will support you and do this together, because IMO this is what they are all thinking but no, they don't, so Dean is upset that Cas has left (and is pissy with him about it, because hell, why not add ANOTHER layer of angst to all this right guys? and this is just how Dean deals - when things are shit and his emotions are too much and he can't cope he gets ANGRY) so Cas continues to feel depressed and worthless until the point they meet up again in 12x07

Cas still wants to sacrifice himself and Dean does say “engaged in what? Killing you?” but he doesn't STOP him. MORE of this half attempt but not fully talking it out.

Dean then over the episodes since Cas is missing, he’s trying to convince Cas to call him / come home by appealing to his sense of DUTY, by saying they need him for his hands, not that they love and miss him, he’s using this as an excuse and not to face his own feelings but this just reinforces Cas’ perception that he’s not wanted, just needed. Hence his comment about not meaning to add to their distress, because Dean never said he was distressed in his messages, of course there was an underlying tone of this but it wasn't EXPLICIT until he said so when Cas returned.

xx

The mixtape scene in the bunker, as beautiful as the gift, again, is a reverse shit sandwich. FIRST he tells Cas they lost Kelly because he was missing

Then they have the beautiful mixtape exchange but he ends again telling Cas that they’re better together with Sam and for the job, “let’s get it done” and LEAVES.

x

Then since 12x19 to 12x23 Dean and Sam try to control Cas, Cas does accept their request to go to the bunker to talk it out and he does wait to hear Sam out at the end but when Sam then flat out tells him “no, that ain’t happening” that is when he decides he has no choice and boops them to sleep. 

When they turn up in 12x23 Dean immediately starts giving him orders, as @amwritingmeta pointed out:

Then Dean is dismissive of his “making friends” in the rift world and his faith in his “unborn baby god”.

I mean.... from Cas’ POV I can totally see the issue, because CAS is not seeing everything WE are seeing from Dean about Cas.

Cas has not seen Dean’s worry, his constant thinking about Cas and not as a tool, for who he is, all Cas sees are moments of familial care but A HELL OF A LOT of Dean giving him orders and, from his POV, him and others all needing him only for his ‘hands’.

x  Given that Cas already has deeply rooted emotional issues and depression focusing on his usefulness for YEARS, his perception of his being needed on Earth by Dean and Sam is IMO warped (because I’m not saying they mean for this to come across like this OF COURSE! but this is how I think Cas sees it, even though he does see the care too, he’s blinded by his depression and his own personal lack of self worth) so it’s no surprise that he asks this of Kelvin or then states:

x  His perception is that he is not even good at even just being useful because even then, he’s unleashed worse eg. Lucifer, this is massively important in considering his mental state during these two seasons and particularly at the end of season 12.

This is a HUGE issue for Cas so I can totally see his perception is warped (I am not saying that Dean is doing this on purpose at ALL(and Sam up to a point, but let’s be real a lot of this is with Dean and due to Dean being his primary contact with the two and the person he is in love with), this is all from Cas’ POV in his emotionally vulnerable condition).

(I’m going to just inject here the fact that this theme of Cas feeling needed only as a tool and bossed around by Dean is also entirely paralleled with season 6 as part of the season 12 / season 6 callback theme that goes over the whole of season 12:

Which is why it’s even more awful when Cas tries to call into play the family card in 6x21 and Dean rejects it, AGAIN, not that it’s entirely Dean’s FAULT of course, but from Cas’ POV this is heartbreaking because HE believes he is doing the right thing, that Dean only called him all season for his help as a tool and that he always comes when Dean calls, even during a Heavenly civil war, even when he first tried to put Rachel there first, because he didn't think Dean wanted HIM, he thought he wanted just A TOOL, THAT ANY ANGEL WOULD DO, and it all fell apart due to Dean’s attitude and Rachel’s defensive stance of Cas, but not because Dean said “no I want Cas because I care about Cas”, which we don't expect at this point really in season 6, their relationship isnt quite at this point yet, but still, it’s an important factor when looking at season 12 in the way it mirrors season 6 and Cas’ lack of self worth and self love for YEARS).

Now, of course interspersed with this we do have Dean telling Cas in 11x23 that he is their brother, we have Sam telling him they’re fighting for him, Dean telling Cas that they’re family and won't leave him behind and that he's worried, not mad, he tells Cas that he’s upset that they were ignored, but again these are all FAMILIAL words and mostly all WE’s not I’s. DEAN IS TRYING. He is not the bad guy here. REPRESSION, DEPRESSION, a LACK OF SELF WORTH and MISCOMMUNICATION are.

It’s not enough, Dean is of course showing Cas familial love, which is great, but not the whole truth and plus he still also frames this a lot of the time within a general excuse of needing Cas for his help rather than WANTING him to stay for HIM.

WE have seen Dean’s worry for 2 seasons, WE have seen him not sleeping, worrying so badly that Sam has to console him, WE have seen him framed as the worried husband.

CAS HAS NOT.

The words: I need you.  The meaning: I love you and care for you. The understanding: I need you as a tool.

Moving forwards I’m sure this is going to be addressed and I can't wait :)