#moral dilemma sets in as I wonder if I’m a terrible person for wanting to KO a grandmother

[aquarifiend]

I’ve been sat with my game paused for ages because I really want to steal grandma’s ship but she’s also actually really nice and kind and they humanised her too much for me to not feel bad… but I want the ship so bad it’s a nice ship when I’m just starting out…

[katsidhe]

Ranking Every SPN Midseason Finale

15) 10.09 The Things We Left Behind. Claire’s reintroduction isn’t as bad as some of her later appearances, mostly because she’s still hostile towards Cas and the Winchesters, but it’s still not great. There’s Rowena and Crowley drama I don’t care about, and Dean kills a bunch of people, which is kinda fun, but would be more interesting if it had any consequences.

14) 14.09 The Spear. Michael’s monsters plan is pretty dumb. I’m still not clear on why Michael stopped possessing Dean at any point. Michael and Jack have a good conversation, and I suppose an assassination is the only viable plan for the Winchesters to go for, but most of this episode is just a series of “why” moments one after another.

13) 1.10 Asylum. This is a perfectly acceptable MOTW episode, and a ghost-addled Sam yelling at and punching Dean is fun, but it’s simply not up to snuff with the kind of plot or character development that the other midseason finales put on the table.

12) 13.09 The Bad Place. I really like Kaia and Jack here. The moment with the angels pounding on the ground to break the wards is genuinely pretty cool.  The stakes get upped with the reveal that Mary’s being tortured in Apocaland, and Dean reacts by threatening Kaia at gunpoint, nice. It’s not a bad episode, and it’s not incredible either.

11) 12.08 LOTUS. Is this episode silly? Oh yes. Am I thoroughly entertained when watching it? Resoundingly yes. Every dumb terrible campy detail--like Lucifer turning crosses upside down—combined with the sheer balls-to-the-wall wtf-ery of the President being possessed, and the interspersed moments of genuine drama—as when Sam banishes Lucifer—creates a combination that I can’t help but enjoy. I also like the likely somewhat unintentional implications as to how the political landscape of the SPN world was changed by the sheer volume of apocalyptic events it’s experienced. Seems fair to conclude that God is angry.

10) 8.09 Citizen Fang. Dean sends Sam after Amelia with a fake text, as their s8 conflict comes to a head. This is far from the shadiest thing Dean’s ever done, but it’s so fascinatingly, unapologetically a Relationship Red Flag that I really enjoy it. Plus, I find Sam’s conflict with Benny pretty interesting here.  

9) 6.11 Appointment in Samara. Dean’s deal with Death is a cool concept, and it’s set up well, but it falls a bit flat. Dean fails the test in a way that’s very predictable, and that has no consequences, because Death likes Sam enough to retrieve him anyway. The better part of this episode is Soulless’ desperate, last ditch attempt to save his life at the cost of Bobby’s—he screams and begs as his soul is returned, and I love the moral dilemma here.

8) 9.09 Holy Terror. Kevin!! His death was viscerally shocking and heartbreaking. This episode is consigned to mid B tier because of the angel drama I don’t care about, and because I am still torn on if I really like Kevin’s death thematically speaking. For one thing, I miss him to this day—I miss having a cynical, informed perspective on the Winchesters in the room. For another, it muddies the waters of Dean’s crime in having Gadreel possess Sam, in ways that are sometimes interesting but sometimes miss the point.

7) 15.08 Our Father, Who Aren’t in Heaven. *chanting* New Cage canon! New Cage canon! Jake Abel steals the show with his insane chemistry with himself, and makes the s15 conflict much more interesting just by existing. I love how goddamn uncomfortable Sam is this entire episode, I love Adam and Michael’s weird compelling dynamic, I love Dean’s awkwardness, and I love the four of them all together. I just want them to sit in a room and talk foreeeever.

6) 7.10 Death’s Door. I don’t even like Bobby that much, but even I have to admit that this is a great emotional episode. Sam and Dean deal with their grief, and it’s done well enough to make me grieve for Bobby too.

5) 2.09 Croatoan. Good episode is good. It’s a zombie episode with a real sense of fear and isolation—and then Sam gets infected. Dean’s violent refusal to kill Sam, the subsequent reveal that Sam is somehow immune, and then a demon revealing that this town died just for an experiment on Sam? Creepy and emotional and intriguing!

4) 4.10 Heaven and Hell. Demon and angel battle! Some very fun additions to what we know about the angels and their motivations: Anna’s commitment to fleeing and defying Heaven, coupled with what appears to be Ruby doing the same with Hell, is cool. I also love how Sam ends up successfully playing both sides off each other. Plus, it ends with Dean’s emotional reveal about his time in Hell.

3) 3.08 A Very Supernatural Christmas. Iconic. Three separate things to love: fantastic pre-series content, including amulet backstory and the reveal of little Sam finding out about monsters; a truly wonderful MOTW that involves Christmas tree stabbing and fingernail pulling; and the looming emotional juggernaut of  a final celebration before Dean’s deal comes due.  

2) 5.10 Abandon All Hope. Crowley’s delightful introduction as a smarmy survivalist, Ellen and Jo’s tearjerking deaths, Cas captive and mouthing off to both Lucifer and Meg, Dean’s unsuccessful shot, and of course Sam and Lucifer’s first meeting in person. Action packed and spooky and thrilling and simply beautifully executed.

1) 11.09 O Brother Where Art Thou? In Hell, is where, and I couldn’t be happier!! Lucifer’s reintroduction coupled with Sam’s distress and brittle scared determination is atmospheric and terrifying. Rowena’s betrayal and Amara’s pitch to Dean are compelling. Most importantly, though, I had to wait a MONTH for 11.10 with Sam’s CRYING FACE in my head: best worst cliffhanger of the series by miles and miles. Bury me in this episode.

[lilacandladybugs]

hey since youre talking about christianity, i was wondering if you could answer a question ive been curious about. if god cares about people and if jesus died for our sins, then why does hell exist? and if god cares about us then why did he let so much bad stuff happened in his name, and even cause it, like with the noah’s arch story?

sorry if any of this is wrong ive never read the bible, but ive had bad experiences with christianity in the past and the way you talk about it seems much nicer than the way i know it

I don’t think I can answer this question in a way that doesn’t come across as pretentious or like I’m asking for an argument or just being straight up unsatisfying. But I just am going to try anyway because i'm hoping that maybe this will be comforting or helpful to someone. I’m sorry if this is offensive I am really trying my best, please take this all in the best possible way and be gracious with me 

The thing about this ask is that it’s actually a bunch of different questions, and since each of them individually is really hard to answer so I’m going to narrow it down to just one ( im sorry ;-; ) . The one I’ve thought about the most is “Why does God let bad things happen if he loves us?”

When this question first really occurred to me, I was already a believer. So I was already pretty convinced that God exists logically, from the perspective of history, philosophy, science, and my personal experience. I believed in the /existence/ of the God who is represented in the scriptures. (I doubt anyone wants it but I can give you a list of resources if you want to look into any of that.) The struggle for me was whether or not all that evidence held true in the face of this moral dilemma; the problem of evil in the presence of a loving God.

But I just couldn’t turn my back on the concept of a moral grounding in God. I had a philosophy professor tell me that people are mortal and so we shouldn’t grieve them like they’re immortal, that grief is a choice, and that trauma is a choice. I respected her so much, but I just couldn’t accept that. There’s nothing more unsettling to me than suggesting that cruelty and death and suffering are only wrong because you think they are, and not because they’re violating sacred ancient laws. My friends dying, people hurting me, that isn’t just in my head. It’s /real/. They’re really dead, and it really matters. People really did something wrong when they hurt me, and it isn’t my fault for being hurt. It’s their fault for being cruel. And their cruelty is objectively morally wrong.

I realized that if I became an atheist I would have to accept the fact that there isn’t /objectively/ any difference between right and wrong. There isn’t any theoretical “right way” that the world should be. But to me, there is a right way it should be. There is a right way and it was lost because of sin.

It was I guess comforting that Christianity provided the premises I needed to ask a question like this. Evil exists. And love exists. So how can God exist? What a comforting question, in a way. To get to grieve, to be angry, to wonder what’s going on, to want things to be different. It was validating i guess

Don’t get me wrong i was FURIOUS i was so angry. I was so angry and so conflicted I kind of thought I might just like rip apart at my seams but I just felt caught between a rock and a hard place to be either abandoned by God or to not even be able to think about my experiences in a way that felt coherent.

He showed up though. I remember swearing at him, and laying up at night thinking he wasn’t there, I told him I wouldn’t have to have trauma if he would’ve stepped in, that my friends wouldn’t be dead, that he let it happen to me, that he just /witnessed/ it. And man idk he just showed up. He showed up every time. I almost walked away like five times that summer. And every time he sent someone, there was always someone that showed up and talked to me like out of nowhere. Or music, or scripture, or something someone said in passing. 

The night that it was really bad was when I realized that the only person who could save me was God and I cried out to him, and I just idk I’ve never been so desperate. I went to church the next day against my will and the sermon felt like it was written for me specifically. I cried through the whole thing.

If God is goodness, then how can I say he isn’t with me and around me constantly? In the sunrise and sunset, in the stars, in flowers, and in kind words. In sermons. In friends and family. In all the coincidences that stopped me from becoming an atheist, all of the answered prayers and the impossibilities. That’s why my side blog is called @in-the-whisper. Because I felt him there, even though it hurt, he was with me in the quiet and in the silence, in his whisper in a thousand different ways.

I was posed this question by someone who was there for me in one of those moments where I almost walked away from God, “Is sufficiency abundant?” I guess I thought it was. Where was God? In the peace that surpasses understanding. In the knowledge that everything is finished, that he died for us, that he didn’t abandon us. That whatever terrible things happen, he was willing to take all of the consequences for that onto himself in the person of Jesus. That one day he will set things right, even though it isn’t right right now. 

It comes down to the Gospel (good news, core story of the Christian faith); humanity actively chose to walk away from God in an act of rebellion. We had free will because God created us tenderly to be in a loving relationship with him, and loving relationships must be based on free will and they must be two way. So he let us walk away from him, and away from the sustainer of life our bodies break, our world crumbles, and we die. In order to bridge that gap, he chose to die in our place, so that we could re enter that free will relationship with him if we so choose. He died on the cross, descended into hell, and then in three days he rose from the grave, defeating death. And one day he will return on a white horse to rescue us and to take the world back as his own. If I believed that to be true, then I believed in the greatest intervention in human history that has ever occurred. The God of the Bible isn’t a distant God, "God showed how much he loved us by sending his one and only Son into the world so that we might have eternal life through him." 1 John 4:9 He did the unthinkable for us.

Living in light of the gospel helped me to understand the way that God is present in my life, my present, past, and in my future. It gave me peace. When Horatio G. Spafford’s two daughters and wife died in a shipwreck, he wrote this,

“When peace like a river attendeth my way, when sorrows like sea billows roll, whatever my lot, thou hast taught me to say, it is well, it is well with my soul." 

“Though Satan should buffet, though trials should come, let this blest assurance control: that Christ has regarded my helpless estate and has shed His own blood for my soul.

“My sin, oh the bliss of this glorious thought. My sin, not in part, but the whole, is nailed to the cross, and I bear it no more praise the Lord, praise the Lord, O my soul!

“And Lord, haste the day when my faith shall be sight The clouds be rolled back as a scroll The trump shall resound, and the Lord shall descend Even so, it is well with my soul!

“It is well with my soul, it is well, it is well with my soul.”

I don’t have an answer for your question. What I know is that I am willing to rest in the knowledge of my personal experiences and my research that God exists, that he is loving, and that he is powerful, just, and wise. Even the winds and the seas obey him, the mountains are like pebbles to him, thunder rolls at the sound of his voice. He had thought before time began, he gave all knowledge and all wisdom to us. 

Why do bad things happen also brings up the question, why do good things happen? Who do we have to thank when we get up in the morning and can see or hear or move or are alive in general? Why are we so blessed as to have two days and not just one? Where do mornings and complexity and beauty and wonder come from? They come from him. Not because we need it, but because he wants to give it to us. Enjoyment, existence, love, laughter, thought, beauty, heartbreak. The world is just as beautiful as it is terrible, and why should it be beautiful? Because he wants it to be that way.

God is so patient. He is so patient and kind and powerful, and he wants to hear your questions. Some of them, like this one, are in my opinion something that you have to talk to him about directly. He gives us thought and logic and reason and wisdom, and he asks for us to engage him. He will answer.

If any believers are reading this, I want you to know that it is enough to cry out to him in pain. It is enough to want to want to believe in him. He would so much rather hear from you in your anger than never hear from you at all. Seek him out, he will find you. He will chase after you.

I bet that he would chase after me, bet my life on it. I might not know the answer, but I am confident enough in what I do know that I’m willing to bet my existence that God will come true on his promises, that he will deliver me, that everything will be okay, that he is bigger than my trauma, and that he will hold me.

“For my thoughts are not your thoughts,     neither are your ways my ways,” declares the Lord. 9 “As the heavens are higher than the earth,     so are my ways higher than your ways     and my thoughts than your thoughts. 10 As the rain and the snow     come down from heaven, and do not return to it     without watering the earth and making it bud and flourish,     so that it yields seed for the sower and bread for the eater, 11 so is my word that goes out from my mouth:     It will not return to me empty, but will accomplish what I desire     and achieve the purpose for which I sent it. 12 You will go out in joy     and be led forth in peace; the mountains and hills     will burst into song before you, and all the trees of the field     will clap their hands. 13 Instead of the thornbush will grow the juniper,     and instead of briers the myrtle will grow. This will be for the Lord’s renown,     for an everlasting sign,     that will endure forever.” Isaiah 55:8-13

And I’m holding him to that promise.

[sepublic]

Sorry about the double ask so here's a fun idea, Emperor Belos wrote The Good Witch Azura books. Like he wrote them in his younger years before becoming a parasitic tyrant. - Pixel Anon

           That seems like it’d be the perfect opportunity to segue into a lesson about Death of the Author, which- Given Sense and Insensitivity, and how this show already discusses how fiction affects reality and connects with it… Would be VERY refreshing to see, especially as a moral that I don’t really see other kids’ shows exploring! I do recall OK KO bringing it up with the Hero Cards not representing Kappas, but the more the merrier. It’d also be fitting to discuss Death of the Author, and separating a work from a terrible creator- Given the show’s frequent references to Harry Potter, which has a rather infamous author…

           For neurodivergent kids who really get into hyperfixations and fandoms, which Luz and Amity basically are- It’d be fascinating to see them navigate this kind of twisted revelation! And it’d also force them to really re-examine The Good Witch Azura, because sometimes a work can’tbe separated from the harmful ideas of its creator, especially if it was made to transmit them… If Azura ever talks about dealing with ‘savages’, that’d be VERY sus and make matters a lot more complex. But then again, Azura also reconciles with Hecate, so it could be a matter of recognizing a work’s more problematic areas and criticizing them, while still enjoying it.

          And, this makes sense, as The Owl House really does convey that experience of engaging with media and fiction, and how it relates to real life… And how media and fiction CAN mean a lot to people, it’s perfectly valid for one’s hyperfixations to mean the world to them! It’s treated as objectively terrible for Luz to throw away her Azura book, and bar a few social misunderstandings, the Azura books have otherwise brought nothing but happiness for her and Amity, and even functioned as something for them to bond over!

          It’s perfectly okay for fiction to mean a lot to Luz, and she’s not being childish for wanting to hold on, to keep enjoying it- So it’d be an interesting discussion when Belos’ authorship is thrown into the mix, amidst potential problematic bits here or there. Then again, Luz is an ND-coded kid who continues to find solace in these stories, which would suggest that there isn’t anything there that would bother her- At least, nothing she’d have really noticed until someone pointed it out to her.

           Then there’s the appropriateness, of Belos’ own fantasy being what could’ve led to Luz being deluded in her own right, projecting fantasies and dreams onto reality, wanting to be a chosen one… It’d be an extension of the kind of harmful delusions and ideas he puts into others, tying it back all the way of Luz herself, prior to arriving on the Boiling Isles! It’d give us insight to Belos as someone who really gets people to believe in the idea of being special, of being chosen, specifically for the Emperor’s Coven… And how this could relate to HIS character, if he himself is also a victim of these kinds of issues. If Belos is Luz, in that she never learned to differentiate fantasy from reality, and felt entitled towards bringing her stories to life.

          Perhaps Belos isn’t REALLY chosen by the Titan, he just likes to think of himself as a Chosen One- Or he was, but others can also quality for this honor, which is something that aggravates Belos because it alludes to him not being more special than others. Because to Belos, it’s not enough to be unique and valid in your own way; You must be actively better than others, and the creation of the Emperor’s Coven above all reflects this. The belief that magic is a privilege, a luxury, something you must actively earn or be more worthy of than others for…

           It’s also an interesting contrast, as if Belos has also been influenced by his works, or his works are a reflection of that- Then it’d set him apart from Luz as someone who actively deludes himself. As someone who is voluntarily blind, and willfully ignorant- Just like Lilith, who was inspired by Belos and looked to him as a role model when she was younger. Even before becoming a parasitic tyrant, Belos was a dark reflection of Luz, subjecting others to fantasies and delusions… Maybe not initially maliciously nor willingly, maybe it was just him having fun like any author. But then this innocuous action became very dark in retrospect, as Belos and his ‘hobbies’ worsened and took on a more harmful role for the people of the Boiling Isles.

          I suppose it’s worth noting that Belos’ imagery invokes a lot of white, which is also seen with Azura’s predominantly white-and-purple robes… While Belos is white-and-gold. If Belos is a dark deconstruction of Luz’s assumption of a Chosen One narrative and fantasies, then maybe he’s also a deconstruction of Azura herself; And this of course suggests that he actively emulated his own creation. He’s artistic and a writer like Luz is, but it seems Belos got TOO convinced by how good he was, and couldn’t take constructive criticism- Which could be like King as an author in Sense and Insensitivity, up until he realizes that Luz’s input helped make him so great!

           Luz and Amity can still engage in fantasy and fiction, the show always lets them find joy in this… It’s just a matter of finding the distinction between the two and recognizing it. Fully indulging into fantasy is what could’ve led Luz to accepting Adegast’s illusions… But entirely rejecting is is the path that is the Reality Camp, which would’ve sucked the fun and joy out of Luz and turned her into a hollow, soulless imitation of herself. It’s okay to find comfort and media and even be inspired by it, to even take lessons from it; And while you should always prioritize listening to real life when it says otherwise, I think it’s worth observing that Luz’s quest to be a good person like Azura… Well, influences her to be kind!

          And it’s this desire to emulate Azura that influences Luz to learn magic, which creates yet another hyperfixation that brings the girl joy, and leads to her connecting with Eda and everyone else in the Boiling Isles in the first place by staying there! Perhaps Belos will contrast with Luz in that while he recognized media’s ability to make him feel happier, he ultimately used it as a crutch, a substitute for actual meaningful interaction and connection with other people- Thus creating the monster we see today. There could be the idea of finding role models, people you want to emulate- But also recognizing their flaws, where to criticize them, and not be like them. That could tie into how Eda is a teacher to Luz, but isn’t always right and excels by taking Luz’s feedback into consideration, instead of assuming she always knows better and will never be wrong.

           All in all, this is a fascinating idea Pixel Anon! Even if Belos has no literal connection to the Azura books, I am a big fan of the idea of him being a dark reflection to Luz… A Luz as we see her start out in the series, only to be a Luz who never learns the lessons we see her go through. Belos wanted to be a hero, a main character; But he never went through the actual arc and character development of one, and instead ended up as the static villain, the main antagonist who causes problems for actualheroes. If some characters become what they despise most by trying to avoid that, then perhaps Belos is someone who avoids becoming what he wanted to be, in his attempts to be like that.

          Whether or not media has played a role in Belos’ life has yet to be seen, but there is the idea of him having lived out a traditional ‘fantasy’ without realizing it as such, because to him this IS his reality- So it’s ironic then that Belos deludes himself while Luz doesn’t. Maybe it’s because of this, because Luz has that self-awareness to consider the divide between her fantasies and what reality actually is; Because she has an actual frame of reference for what fantasy and fiction is. Suddenly I’m reminded of that joke in Lost in Language, when Gary sees “Fiction-Fiction” because the Non part, the reminder of reality, was erased; And he has an existential crisis, wondering if any of his life was real…

          Imagine this being foreshadowing to BELOS, of all people, having an epiphany- Realizing that so much of his ‘reality’ was just his own fiction, that he questions what things were real and what things never were. Belos realizing he forgot to consider reality, and now he’s questioning everything he knows, if his arcane knowledge is all for naught if he can’t even distinguish facts from fantasy… etc. What is real and objective- What if all of his ‘Non-Fiction’ was simply just Fiction, and Luz the troublemaker must reveal this to Belos? I’m just imagining Luz very awkwardly cringing and navigating around Belos’ breakdown, but also sort of relating to his dilemma and helping him recover; At least for the sake of everyone else, because a reformed Belos makes life easier than a dead one.

          Plus, Luz is very compassionate in that sort of way… And while Belos’ radiance has blinded him for so long; Now, it’s Luz’s less harsh Light, which helps open his eyes and allow Belos to properly see the world around him. Eyes DO seem to be a major motif in the Boiling Isles, and with Belos, whose eyes need to be fixed by some palisman bile… If Belos’ light has blinded all, himself the first victim; Then Luz’s more Night-time, Star-oriented Light can bring a sunset to Belos’ shining era, for now the sun sets on his empire after all these years. And with the lights dimmed, Belos can appreciate the darkness around him as a contrast, and truly recognize things for what they are… And Luz can metaphorically open his eyes and mind.

          If Luz illuminates others to the truth of their situation and what they’re doing- Then maybe her final obstacle can be Belos… Alongside her mother Camila, when Luz reunites with her and reveals just how much happier she’s been in the Boiling Isles, instead of the Reality Camp that was actually going to hurt her. THAT would be an unusual parallel, Belos and Camila, as two significant adults in Luz’s life… Potentially ones who taught Luz everything she knew prior to Eda, with Camila providing social interactions to the girl, while Belos provides lessons through his Azura fiction and media. If Azura and Camila were all Luz knew and learned from, it’d be interesting for her to teach THEM something herself- Again, a continuation of that theme of the teacher having a lot to learn from the student, and not being so infallible and all-knowing themselves. Even a teacher like Eda can still enjoy the wide-eyed opportunity and curiosity to learn as a student, once more…

[metalandmagi]

Fall 2019 Anime Worth Watching

Wondering what anime to watch now that the jam packed summer season is over? Never fear, we’re into the fall, and there’s even more great shows this season! It’s my last rec list of the year so we’re in the home stretch now!

Full disclaimer, this season is packed with great shows, but a lot of these are not available on Crunchyroll...so here’s a link to a list of where you can watch everything legally on streaming! And I’ll but an (*) by everything that IS on Crunchyroll.

And here’s my recs for every season this year:

Summer 2019

Spring 2019

Winter 2019

And here’s my master list for 2020

New shows!

Chuubyou Gekihatsu-Boy (Outburst Dreamer Boy): A comedy in which a normal girl just wants a peaceful high school life, but finds herself surrounded by a group of ridiculous, overly dramatic boys who are all part of the “hero club” who try to make her school life better by helping her make friends. This is all well and good, but all the boys are delusional in one way or another. For example, one thinks he and his friends are basically Power Rangers, and another is obsessed with fabricating dramatic fake anime backstories for himself. It’s Ouran High School Host Club without the hosting. It’s absolutely hilarious, but it’s really flying under the radar because it’s not on Crunchyroll.

Kabukichou Sherlock: A surprisingly comedic modern version of Sherlock Holmes that takes place in the seedier portions of Japan in which a bunch of the city’s quirky detectives try and hunt down Jack the Ripper. I was not expecting this to be nearly as good as it was. The characters are great, Mrs. Hudson is a transvestite cabaret singer, the soundtrack is bomb, it’s an original anime by Production I.G. AND SHERLOCK EXPLAINS HIS DETECTIVE PROCESS THROUGH MYSTERY SOLVING RAKUGO!!!! 

Babylon: NO, NOT FATE BABYLONIA! This is a mystery/thriller involving a case of illegal clinical research for a pharmaceutical company that leads down a rabbit hole full of murder, suicide, and political intrigue. IT’S LIKE DEATH NOTE AND MONSTER HAD A BABY AND IT’S FREAKING AMAZING! I haven’t been this interested in a mystery/crime anime since Erased. The first episode will definitely leave you...hanging…. The only problem is it’s not on Crunchyroll, so I have a feeling most people won’t know about it because it’s on freaking Amazon Prime!

Hoshiai no Sora (Stars Align): A coming of age sports anime in which a boys soft tennis team sucks so bad that the school will disband them if they don’t win a tournament. And the team captain is so desperate for serious members, he literally pays his childhood friend who recently moved back into town to play on the team. And said childhood friend has an incredibly interesting backstory and struggling family life that ropes you in right away. How is soft tennis different from regular tennis? No clue, but this show is awesome! You can tell by the first episode it is going to be a great coming of age story, with more mature themes of abuse and class difference.

And it’s not the only sports anime with Sora in the title...

*Ahiru no Sora (Sora the Duck): Another sports anime, in which a short, spikey haired boy wants to play basketball (yeah yeah very original) but discovers that his high school basketball team is full of punks! It’s basically what would happen if Izuku Midoriya wanted to be a basketball player. The first few minutes are basically every sports anime you’ve ever seen, BUT it really lives up to its potential by the end of the first episode. It has a likable protagonist, good animation, and the female characters all wear realistic clothes to play basketball in! If you’re a piece of sports anime trash like me, this is definitely the show for you!

No Gun Life: In a detective noir world where everyone has basically become a cyborg, a guy with a gun for a head works to uncover the plans of an evil organization.  That’s it, that’s the whole thing. It’s made by Madhouse AND IT’S A CYBORG WITH A GUN FOR A HEAD! What else do you need?!

Beastars: IT’S JUST ANIME ZOOTOPIA! I’m not even kidding. It’s a school based mystery involving anthropomorphic animals who are faced with the murder of one of their classmates and the disruption of the peaceful coexistence of all types of animals in the school. It involves the whole predator vs prey dynamic and how appearances are deceiving, all with a jarringly serious tone considering everyone’s an animal. The only thing that doesn’t sit right with me is the use of 3D animation...which I notoriously despise no matter how great the show is. But even I am willing to put aside my hatred to keep watching this anime. The characters are interesting, it’s shot really creatively, and I love how ridiculously seriously it takes itself. Apparently it’s going to be on Netflix at some point.

*Shin Chuuka Ichiban (True Cooking Master Boy): It’s Food Wars’ less porny sibling that takes place in 19th century China, where a young boy named Mao is a master chef who travels around spreading his love for cooking! This is a reboot/continuation of an anime based on a manga from the 90s so there’s a really fun retro art style that’s nice to see updated. Apparently it picks up in the middle of the original story, but I haven’t felt like it’s necessary to see the source material to enjoy it or understand it. Also the soundtrack is bomb! It’s a great shounen to watch if you want more cross-cultural cooking anime that’s not straight up porn in your life, and it will definitely make you hungry!

Next seasons and Continuations!

 And don’t forget the summer leftovers, and some shows are getting continuations!

*Chihayafuru season 3: This is an incredibly fantastic underrated sports/club anime about a girl named Chihaya who struggles to find members for her karuta club after her best friend who made her fall in love with the game moves away. Never heard of “karuta”? It’s a physically and mentally challenging traditional Japanese game involving 100 poems written on cards that the players must memorize and locate before their opponent….it makes more sense when you see it I promise. This show is goddamn amazing, with incredibly realistic characters, an amazing game that most people don’t know about, gorgeous animation. It’s hilarious, it’s dramatic, it’s sad, and it’s uplifting all at once. 

This doesn’t premier until October 23, (so you’ve got time to binge the first 2 seasons!) but this is by far my most anticipated show of the season and quite possibly the entire year! I’VE BEEN WAITING SO MANY YEARS FOR ANOTHER SEASON, AND I’M SO PSYCHED!

Kono Oto Tomare (Stop this Sound) season 2: Speaking of club related anime, in case you missed the first season earlier this year, this is an anime about a boy who tries to recruit members for his high school koto club after all his senpais graduate. What’s a koto club you ask? It’s a large Japanese string instrument that no one cares about or plays anymore of course! Their club is endearingly terrible, with literally only one competent person on the team, but they’re aiming for nationals anyway, because...of course they are. This show seems pretty textbook at first, but it really grows on you the further you get. There are great character dynamics, it’s fun, it’s sweet, and there’s cool music that people don’t hear a lot of! If you like sports or club focused anime, give this one a chance!

*Dr. Stone: An action adventure in which all of humanity is mysteriously turned to stone one day. When a genius high school boy named Senku and his….not so genius friend Taiju awaken 3,700 years in the future, the two must rebuild civilization and turn the world back to normal with the power of science! I know pretty much everyone is watching this already, but I just want to reiterate how amazing it is. It is mysterious, educational, hilarious, and it really makes you think about civilization as we know it today. It was one of the best (if not the best) new show of the summer, and I’m so glad it’s getting a full run!

Vinland Saga: THE VIKING ANIME IS GETTING A FULL RUN!!!!!!!! In case you missed this gem in the summer, it’s a historical drama about a young boy named Thorfinn and his journey to avenge his father’s death and become a great warrior. And it’s all while traveling with his enemies through Northern Europe. It’s a fantastic dark, realistic story in a historical setting that filled the void left by Dororo. Plus it’s animated by Wit, so it looks beautiful. The music is great, the characters are intriguing, the story is interesting, AND IT HAS AN AMAZING ANTAGONIST! It has hype written all over it, so I’m pumped for the rest of the season! Unfortunately, you can only find it legally on Amazon Prime, so that’s why no one’s watching it.

*Fire Force: The (unfortunately timed) action/drama where fire fighters with super powers must protect Tokyo from people who are spontaneously combusting and uncover the evil rooted within their own organization. It’s made by the same person who created Soul Eater, and it definitely shows. The animation is high flying and out of this world. It’s worth watching for the action alone. But be warned, the plot and characters are it’s biggest weakness. It will jump between gratuitous fanservice and hijinks and then rocket into moral dilemmas and disturbing situations with no warning. BUT I still like watching it for the action, and in these later episodes the plot has steered itself back on track a lot more, and I’m way more interested in where the story is going now. I’m hoping that means the second half will give us a better sense of the characters. It also has a top tier muscular waifu! 

*My Hero Academia season 4: I’m sure everyone’s already going to be watching MHA, but I guess I’d have my anime fan badge revoked if I didn’t at least mention this one. I may not read the manga, but I know this arc is going to be a good one! I firmly believe this will be a modern classic, so if you haven’t checked it out yet, it’s really worth watching.

And that’s it for this season. I’ll probably do a list at the end of the year of my top shows of 2019, but otherwise, see you in the winter of 2020!

[kattahj]

Subverting expectations without pranking your audience

Subverting expectations is definitely something an author should do, I think most of us can agree on that. The alternative - everything going exactly the way the audience thinks it will - would be boring.

There is, however, a very important part that's often left out of the discussion: The subversion should be enjoyable for BOTH the writer AND the audience. Otherwise, you are in effect pranking your audience.

Let's see how subverting expectations work in terms of gift-giving:

When I was a child, my parents bought me a bicycle for my birthday. My mom then put the bicycle key in a match box, wrapped the match box, and gave it to me. Expectation: something very small. Subversion: Actually a bicycle. Reaction: Enjoyable for both giver and recipient.

On the other end of the scale, there's the woman who dipped raw brussel sprouts in chocolate, wrapped them, and gave them to her father. Expectation: Chocolate. Subversion: Actually raw brussel sprouts. Highly enjoyable for the giver (and the rest of us), not so much for the recipient.

And, you know, the occasional light-hearted prank can be fun, if the relationship is otherwise good. But if there are repeated pranks, or where there are serious feelings involved, things can very quickly go sour.

Obviously, as a writer, you have every right in the world to prank your audience if you feel like it. But if you keep giving them less than they expected, in the name of subverting their expectations, they're going to grow sick of you.

So how can a subversion be done well? The obvious choice is to give more than was expected. If the audience goes, "Oh, well, I'd really like for X to happen, but it won't," give them X.

The trouble with that, of course, is that it raises expectations for next time and eventually you may not be able to deliver. But it's still worth a shot. :-)

Another version, which is harder to manage but wonderful when done right, is to shift the audience's desires without shifting their expectations.

A really good example of this is Bring It On. We're introduced to a team of cheerleaders, a competition they're headed for, and a protagonist who tries to get them in shape to win. Our expectations are set: after several hardships, they will win the competition.

Except, as the story progresses, we're faced with a moral dilemma. Every previous victory this team has had, was based in cheating. Sure, maybe they deserve winning more when they've finally stopped cheating, but what about the other team, the one that's actually put in all the hard work from the start? Don't they deserve to win?

And in the end, the second team does win, and we're satisfied with the subversion. It isn't expected, but it's right.

Or to use a romantic example, in two separate novels, one of my favourite authors Selma Lagerlöf set up a central romantic pairing. She built them up, showed their families and the progress of their relationship, then had them break up, and resolving that conflict is central to the story's themes. They have to sort things out. And in the process, they get involved with other people. Rebound people, if you will, secondary love interests, the kind that stories are full of.

Except, during the course of the novels, you get to know the rebound people, and they're really good people. And the relationship between them and the protagonist could be a really good relationship, if only this conflict didn't poison it all. You kind of want them to stay together, but at the same time, injustice can't stand, the conflict must be resolved...

...and at the end, the conflict is resolved, and the two people who loved each other at the start of the novel look at each other and go, you know what? I'm glad we sorted this out, that we've made peace with each other, but if you'll excuse me, I've got somebody waiting for me at home and I just realized I love them very very much, so I'll be going back to them now.

And as a reader, you draw a sigh of relief, because this subversion is exactly what you needed. (Although please note that Selma Lagerlöf is a Nobel prize winning author and pretty much the only person I know who can pull off a love triangle well.)

Then there's The Good Place, where I can't even pick an example, because that whole show is just one subversion after another, a roller coaster ride of never knowing what lies ahead, but where you know you can trust the people in charge to make the ride just as fun for you as it is for them. The ending is out of sight, but you know it won't be a broken rail and a long, lethal fall. (Hi, Michael Schur, don't disappoint me here, okay?)

Of course, audiences don't always agree. At the end of season 3 of Legends of Tomorrow, we were expecting a magical final battle between the heroes and Mallus. Instead we got the totally bonkers subversion of the heroes being represented by a giant Beebo. I find final battles boring, and loved the shit out of that scene. Other people hated it. That’s fine, not every subversion is for everybody. Maybe they never wanted a bicycle.

But if a large portion of your audience is ranting about how terrible your decision is and how it's so much worse than what they had expected, chances are you just pranked them. And in the long run, patting yourself on the back for that fact because you "subverted expectations" is... not a smart move.

[jemmafitzsimmons]

For the prompt thing! If you haven't done it already 😊 FitzSimmons + 18 😀

thank you for the prompt! hope you enjoy!

with this ring, may you always know one thing… (~3.5k)

Summary: Post season five. Back on Earth, Fitz employs Deke’s help in conquering his life’s most recent dilemma - picking out a new ring for Jemma.

read below or on AO3!

~

The jewelry shop at the end of the road was completely empty save for the lone shopkeeper behind the back counter, the flashing (and slightly rusting) open sign in the window the only other evidence that the establishment hadn’t been completely abandoned. From their spot outside the catty-cornered convenience store, Fitz hadn’t shifted his attention away from the tiny shop for a while now, which wasn’t helping his poor ice cream as it melted down the cone onto his hand.

“Watch it, you’re making a mess,” Deke warned him, shaking his head in disapproval as he shoved him a napkin. “What a waste.”

Fitz wiped his hand clean before reluctantly taking another taste of his ice cream. “I don’t know if this is a good idea,” he said after, the sweet vanilla flavor doing little to ease the tension inside his stomach.  

“Ice cream is always a good idea.”

“No, I don’t mean this,” Fitz said, gesturing to the soft serve cone in his hand, “I mean…” He nodded his head in the direction of the shop across the street.

“Ah, right. That makes more sense.”

After handing over the rest of his soiled cone to Deke, he sunk down heavily onto a nearby bench, Deke following him soon after.

It wasn’t how he pictured it—picking out something as significant and special as an engagement ring, with his grandson of all people. He thought maybe he’d ask for his mother’s ring, the idea surfacing in his mind mere moments after him and Jemma had officially gotten together back at the Playground. She was the one who didn’t want to waste any more time, after all. But considering that that ring was originally picked out by someone he’d rather erase from his memory, he thought against it. Then he thought maybe he’d ask Coulson to go with him to pick one out, but upon glancing up at the cockpit of the Zephyr after they found him in space and seeing the name engraved in such a fashion, he soon realized that wasn’t an option anymore. And then at one point in time since he’d gotten back, still recuperating after what they all considered the craziest rescue mission in all of S.H.I.E.L.D.’s history, he even considered crafting a ring for her himself. But with her so closely attached to his hip in the lab ever since they’d returned to the Lighthouse, it was nearly impossible for him to hide any of his projects from her.

So, he was left with Deke. Not that that was necessarily a terrible thing—Deke was surprisingly supportive even if they had technically just met a few weeks prior, their friendship still in the early stages as Fitz grew accustomed to a new companion always hovering in the lab.

But beyond the company, there was also the problem that had been nagging at Fitz ever since they’d ventured outside for the day: picking out a ring in the first place.

He heard Deke rustling around in his backpack, eventually handing him a steel vacuum sealed bottle.

“Here, drink this,” he said. “You’ll feel better.”

Fitz gave him a quizzical look. “Is that…? Do you just carry some with you everywhere?”

“Well, you never know when you’ll need a pick-me-up.”

Reluctantly, Fitz took a small swig, grimacing at the taste and reminding himself to later introduce Deke to a stronger variety of alcoholic beverages.

They sat in silence for a bit, and then it wasn’t long before Fitz felt a light bump against his arm from Deke and he knew he couldn’t stay quiet forever. Fitz pressed his lips into a firm line, shaking his head. “She already has a ring,” he explained, handing Deke back the bottle. “One that she wore for an entire year before she found me, one that I… well not me, but… a version of me put on her finger as a promise to be with her forever. And then that me broke that bloody promise, so that ring is all she has left.”

“Hey, that’s not true.” With the ice cream finally finished off, Deke leaned in closer to Fitz, his voice a mix of encouragement and sympathy. “Sure, there was another version of you that lived through that time with her. But it’s not like that was a completely different version of you. You’re still here.” When Fitz didn’t respond, his eyes still staring at his lap, Deke poked him in his arm again. “Come on, you still planned to propose to her once you woke up in the future, right?”

“Yeah, of course,” Fitz said instantly, looking up.  

“See,” Deke emphasized. “You’re still you, still the person she wants to marry. And she doesn’t have to let go of that ring if she doesn’t want to.”

Pulling in his lips, Fitz nodded. He knew Jemma kept their original rings in a box buried in her things. When they got back to the Lighthouse, she used to wear them on a simple chain to keep them close, but after a few days since his return—bittersweet days filled with physical comfort and quiet conversations in their bunk more than anything else—the rings disappeared from around her neck. Not wanting to question her or bring up more painful memories as she finally settled into her feelings of relief from having him home, he found them again one early morning at the bottom of a drawer, choosing never to mention it unless she brought it up herself.

“But you can still give her something that’s from you,” Deke went on. “Something that… that doesn’t have to remind her of what happened.” His expression shifted, his eyes becoming brighter than before. “The you from that timeline didn’t even pick out that ring. I did. It was all last minute, could have been a total disaster, really. And sure, that ring is always gonna be special to her in a way, but this one is gonna be even better because you picked it out.”

Through a sigh, Fitz gave him a single nod. He couldn’t help but agree. At least this time around, he had the luxury of planning it all out himself, wanting to wait for just the right moment to ask her.

“I’m just here for moral support,” Deke added with a shrug, placing his hand on Fitz’s shoulder. “And to make sure you don’t go crazy over budget. Or choose the same one as last time. But I guess that’s impossible because apparently there are like a million to choose from.”

Fitz raised his eyebrows.

“I did a little research,” Deke explained. “Rings are expensive.”

“Yeah,” Fitz replied through a laugh. “Which is why I gotta make sure I pick the right one.”

At this, Deke’s expression grew more serious. “She’s gonna love it no matter what.”

Swallowing hard, Fitz sat in silence as he took in his new friend’s words. Deke may not be right about a lot of things, but there was no denying that he was right on this occasion.

Before Fitz could overthink the entire plan a second longer, Deke slung his backpack over his shoulder and near dragged Fitz across the road to the jewelry shop. The tiny bell that rang as they opened the front door alerted the shopkeeper, who looked up with hopeful eyes and a wide smile.

“How can I help you two gentlemen?” she asked.

“I’m looking to…” The words caught in Fitz’s throat, and as he hesitated for a few seconds, he turned to Deke, who nodded at him encouragingly. Clearing his throat, Fitz looked back to the shopkeeper. “I’m here to purchase a ring. I’m proposing to my girlfriend.”

Her face lit up at his words as she gestured toward the counter on the far wall. “Ah, right this way, then.”

As they approached the glass case, Fitz’s eyes widened, his previous nerves returning to his stomach, but for an entirely different reason. Despite the small size of the shop and the town itself, the jewelry case was chock-full of sparking pieces, each one more intricate and beautiful than the last.

“You were right,” Fitz said, lightly patting Deke’s arm. “There are a million to choose from.”

“Are you looking for one in particular, a certain style perhaps?” the woman asked.

Fitz opened his mouth to answer, but he couldn’t think of a response. This entire time pondering whether he should even pick out a new ring in the first place, he’d never stopped to consider how difficult it would be to actually choose one out of so many.

Deke seemed to notice his dilemma, so he leaned slightly over the counter and whispered, “Could we just browse on our own for a little while?”

The woman gave them a soft smile. “Take your time. I’ll be here if you have any questions.”

“Thank you,” Fitz told her.

Returning his eyes to the case, he spent a solid ten minutes taking in all of the choices of rings. He didn’t realize there could be so many different styles, settings, and colors – no wonder it was difficult for Jemma to make any sort of fashion decision when there were so many options. And this wasn’t going to be a simple piece like a dress she would eventually outwear or a necklace that could easily be replaced. It needed to stand the test of time.

“Well,” Deke said after a while, “what do you think? Anything catch your eye?”

“I’ll be honest, I don’t know much about jewelry.” Through his search, he’d eliminated quite a few choices straightaway before coming across a few rings he thought looked nice, especially one in particular near the back that seemed to somehow sparkle even brighter than the rest. “What about that one?” he asked Deke, pointing towards it.

Deke nodded. “Yeah, I like it a lot. Plus, admit it or not, but you’ve been staring at it this entire time.”

It was one of the simpler rings in the collection, Fitz knowing some of the flashier options wouldn’t be suitable for Jemma’s tastes. The one in question featured a single square cut stone set in a delicate white gold band. Most of the other rings almost felt like a fantasy—meant for couples looking for something extravagant to go along with their equally extravagant weddings. But he knew Jemma didn’t want any of that, and he wanted the ring she wore for the rest of her life to be something that captured what he loved most about her. Of course, he would always see her as the most brilliant and beautiful person in the universe, but she was so much more than that, and when he thought of them as they were together now, it was always about the simple things. The way a single glance from her across the lab caused his heart to seize even after all this time, the way her hand always seemed to seek out his in any moment they were alone, the way she said ‘I love you’ as if it was the first time the words had ever fallen off her tongue. After the whirlwind that was the last five or so years, plus the agonizing year of being apart, simple was a relief. And so a simple ring seemed like the most fitting choice.

The shopkeeper quietly approached the counter to check in, so Fitz pointed towards the ring underneath the glass.

“Can I see that one there?” he asked.

“Of course.” After pulling the tray of rings out of the case and retrieving the one he sought, she held it up for him. The overhead light brought out its shine even more, and as he held it between his fingers, he knew from that moment on that it would forever live on Jemma’s hand. If she said yes, of course.

“That’s a princess cut diamond,” the woman said. “Beautiful choice. Definitely a classic look.”

“That’s good,” Deke replied, turning to Fitz. “Classic is good, right?”

“Yeah,” he said, his voice just above a whisper. “It’s perfect.”

“Is this the one?” the shopkeeper asked.

With a small smile, he looked up and nodded.

“She’s a lucky girl,” she said.

“Nah,” Fitz said more to himself. “I’m the lucky one.”

~

The little ping signaling the completion of the bio-simulation rang on her computer, but Jemma didn’t stir from her desk chair where she lay sound asleep. It was much later than she normally would have stayed up working in the lab, but Fitz knew she was determined by her latest experiments and wasn’t surprised she had worked herself to the point of exhaustion. As he squeezed himself through the door of the lab, opening it just wide enough to slip through as to not disturb her, a faint smile washed over his face at the sight of her curled up underneath a blanket, her hand still inches away from her keyboard as if she had nodded off mid thought.

It was his blanket, technically. After what had been one of the lowest points in his life—on his own in space and forced to work for some unknown alien species, eventually being separated from Enoch, and then having no way of knowing if he’d ever be reunited with his family again—they’d found each other. Their reunion on Enoch’s ship was a mess of tears and clinging desperately to each other, and in that moment, Enoch had draped the blanket over his shoulders, more for comfort than anything else. Even if Fitz wasn’t sure if his Chronicom friend could feel emotions quite as deeply as humans, he liked to think in some way that Enoch understood their feelings of relief. And Jemma, forever grateful for Enoch’s help in bringing Fitz back to her, had grown attached to the simple blanket ever since.

Once Fitz finally reached her side in the lab, he swept a stray hair out of her face, the simple motion bringing her back, her eyes fluttering open.

“Oh, hi,” she said, squinting her eyes as she readjusted to her surroundings.  

“Hey.”

“What time is it?”

He glanced at her monitor. “Almost midnight.”

She groaned, stretching her arms above her head. “Didn’t realize it was so late.” Through a yawn, she reached for his hand, pulling it into her lap. “Did you have a good time with Deke? I know he’s been itching to spend some time with you, and the fresh air must have been great as well.”

He hummed in response, hiding a small smile. “It was a good day. Found some cool shops, it was nice. How was yours?”

“Promising. Still need to work out a few kinks in the simulation, but hopefully after you and I look at it, it should work itself out.”

“Yeah, we can look at it tomorrow. Ready to call it a night?”

“Definitely.” But as she moved to stand, her foot suddenly caught the corner of her blanket, which resulted in her tumbling forward before catching herself on the edge of her workbench but not before a handful of files fell off the surface and scattered across the floor.

“Whoa, easy there,” Fitz said through a chuckle, catching her by the waist.

“Oh, bloody hell,” Jemma grumbled. Through a huff, she bent over to begin cleaning up the mess.  

Fitz kneeled down to help, trying to follow her system as he recognized the color-coded pages. “Someone needs a real bed,” he teased.

“Mmm. Good idea.”

It only took a moment for them to collect the papers and reorganize them to Jemma’s liking. When they were finished, Jemma stood and hugged the blanket to her chest. “Okay, come on,” she urged Fitz with a yawn, holding out her hand to help him off the floor.  

Hesitating, he didn’t take her hand right away and resisted when she tried to pull him up.

“Fitz?”

Looking down at her feet, he let out a slow exhale.

It was a better moment than any other. They were alone, it was quiet. And here he was—already on one knee. With a wave of butterflies swooping through his stomach, he met her eyes.

“What are you doing?” she asked, raising her brow.

Swallowing the lump forming in his throat, he lifted one shoulder in a half shrug. “What I should have done a lot sooner.”

The realization of what he was about to do seemed to hit her instantaneously, her bright but tired smile morphing into a look of surprise before transforming into one of complete overwhelming emotion.

“Fitz,” she said, her voice thick.  

“I’ve probably thought about this moment…” He shook his head, glancing off to the side as the look on her face made it difficult to hold himself together. “…a thousand times over by now. And every time, I think of something else I want to say, a different time and place to say it.” With a pause, he pulled on her hand and nodded for her to sit, pulling the rolling chair closer so he could rest their hands on her knees. “Because this is it. I don’t get to do this again. I don’t get another second chance.”

She sucked in a breath, her bottom lip trembling as she tilted her head.

“I don’t want to wait anymore. I’ve known for the longest time that I want to be with you forever, and nothing is ever gonna change that. Not space, not time. Not… not even death.”

Jemma’s tears were flowing freely now, and through a sharp exhale, she gripped his hands more firmly in her lap.

“You deserve the world and so much more,” he told her, “so I hope to give you all of me, even if that doesn’t seem enough.”

“It is enough, and you already do.” She reached for him then, pulling him desperately close until his head was in her lap, her own head resting on top of his.

Reveling in the quiet, he took in the feeling of her breaths against his neck, the soft strokes of her fingers through his hair. His knees were starting to ache, and he could feel her limbs growing heavy through her exhaustion, but he could have stayed with her there hours longer—just the two of them holding each other up for as long as they could.

“I love you so much,” she murmured against his skin some time later.

“I love you, too.”

“And I can’t wait to marry you.”

He thought for a second that he’d misheard her, so he slowly lifted his head from her lap to find her eyes, a laugh almost escaping his lips.

“Jemma, I… I haven’t even asked yet.”

At once, her eyes grew wide in horror. “Oh, no, no, no. I’m so sorry. I just ruined it, didn’t I?”

“No, never,” he assured her, squeezing her knee. “But now that I have your full attention…” Keeping his gaze on her, he reached into his pocket, finding the small velvet box and holding it between their hands.

“Jemma Anne Simmons…” he said, lifting the top to reveal the treasure within, “will you marry me?”

He held his breath, briefly wondering if she was going to make him wait long for her reply, but he didn’t have to think on it for more than a half second because she was already lurching forward and pressing her lips to his.

“Yes,” she said against his lips, “of course, I will.” When they parted, she pressed more kisses to his cheeks and forehead. “When did you…?” she asked when she eventually pulled back. “You weren’t just exploring the town, were you?”

“No, we made a bit of a detour. What do you think?”  

“It’s perfect.” Her face crumbled again as she took in the ring, sniffing and wiping under her eyes as she watched him remove it carefully from the box. And when he slowly slid it onto her finger and they stared at it together, it was somehow even more exquisite than before. But it wasn’t all that surprising—she always managed to bring light to whatever she touched, and the ring was no exception.

“Alright, Fiancée,” he said, patting her leg before pushing himself up and smiling despite himself as her face lit up upon hearing the word. “Bed. For real this time. Got blanket?”

Through a laugh, she pulled at the cozy throw, previously left forgotten in the back of her chair, and bundled it up in her arms, giving him a firm nod.  “Yes, blanket is secure.”

“Good.” With a slight groan, he hooked his arms under her and then a bit unsteadily lifted her up out of the chair.

“Fitz,” she protested. “I’m tired, but also fully capable of walking. And someone is bound to also be awake at this hour.”

“Come on, it’s a special occasion.”

“I’m pretty sure you’re thinking of the ritual for one’s wedding night.”

“Well, I hardly think we’re traditional.”

After a smile spread across on her face, she thankfully gave in, tucking her head into the crook of his neck as they left the empty lab for the night. Moving slowly down the darkened halls, he thought of how much she’d carried him over the past few weeks, helping him find his way back to her after such a dreadful time apart. Even if he still had a long way to go in lifting her up just as much as she had done since his return, he thought of that moment as a hopeful start.

🍦💍

[mittensmorgul]

All of the stuff between Jack and Cas this episode was magic. And when Jack flew off at the end and Cas was yelling his name, I just *sigh*. He's gonna be Worried Dad in the next episode and Dean's going to have to comfort him. I just have so many feels about Cas and Jack!

I’m not gonna lie, I find it all really uncomfortable. I’ve been sitting on this message for a couple days, and just... not knowing exactly how to reply without squashing your enthusiasm...

The whole “worried dad” thing is just... skeevy to me. I mean, all the huge questions surrounding Jack’s powers are deeply unsettling. His powers do things and he has zero understanding or control over them.

Not to mention the fact that they way they’ve been setting Jack up all season is pointing to something very much darker. One of his first “humanizing” traits having earned him the Nougat nickname we all love, the fact that he was hungry and found satisfaction in candy, and in nougat specifically, is gone now. So’s the fact that he used to sleep. There was much squee over the scene of him snoozing in the back seat of the Impala like Cas had once upon a time when his mojo was failing him back in s5, and he was nearly human.

We haven’t actually seen Jack eat since 13.02. Even the Intern Fetching Hot Dogs scene-- he never ate himself, despite getting food for all of them. And now in 13.06 he tells Cas he barely sleeps. In the language of Supernatural, these are pretty universally Bad Signs.

They were the cues toward the end of s9 that Dean was succumbing to the Mark. Turning down food was one of the “tests” Crowley ran on him to prove to himself that Dean was fully under its control. Again at the end of s10, not eating and not sleeping were the signs that Dean was losing himself to the Mark yet again.

Soulless!Sam didn’t sleep either.

Yes, Jack is half angel, but he’s also half human. Sam has been treating him like a human with access to some sort of magical power pack accessory attached, but that’s not what Jack is. Dean had been treating him like a highly dangerous nuclear warhead of unknown mojo with a human attached, but that’s also not what Jack is.

Jack himself has no idea what he is, which Cas can certainly identify with, since that’s been his personal struggle for years now. He’s got some human, some angel, and it’s all mixed up and he’s been trying to figure himself out as if he were two separate things at once, but he’s not. He’s one thing.

He’s been terrified of his own power, because he’s understood that his power has Done Things™ that he’s had zero control over, that he didn’t choose to do, and that he can’t even comprehend.

This is so far beyond what Cas can even understand or relate to.

Not to mention that Jack can’t even guarantee that his power isn’t what brought all the Winchesters to care for him. Did his power realize he needed help and protection, and “make them” take him in.

I mean, before he was born, he needed Kelly alive. When she killed herself, his power resurrected her, controlled her, changed her. She truly believed that Jack shouldn’t be born until after she’d been resurrected by his power... his power that acts entirely outside of Jack’s control or conscious knowledge as a self-protective mechanism.

His power-- because of his personal need, because of his belief that Cas would keep him safe-- without his conscious choice to do so, reached into a realm that is beyond even God’s power and woke Cas up from eternal sleep that nothing is supposed to be able to return from. This is why Sam was kinda >.> about asking Jack if he’d woken Cas. This... was not a small statement.

Jack had NO IDEA he’d done that. And yet he just moves right along, accepting that Cas is back like it’s no big deal, and then goes on into telling everyone about the hunting case he’s found.

He’s learned so much just from watching Sam and Dean over the last couple of weeks, but heck, he’s got so much more to learn. His naivete has almost blown two cases already for them, but he’s also shown a rigidity of thought and understanding that complements his current understanding of morality in general. I’ve been waiting for his need to classify everything as rigidly good or bad to blow up in his face, and 13.06 did that for him.

To back up for a second, he fixated on this being a zombie case, probably because he’d watched a zombie movie or happened to stumble across something about zombies online. He never even heard of a ghoul before, and then had to explain it for himself in terms of two other monsters he COULD understand (zombie shapeshifter!). Interesting because it’s sort of the reverse of what Dean does with his “ghoulpire” and “octovamp” and the like. Dean smashes things together, Jack takes one thing and makes it two...

He knows that Sam and Dean use the EMF meter to look for ghosts, but he uses it in the graveyard because he doesn’t yet understand that it doesn’t work for finding ghouls-- or that graveyards might be hotbeds of EMF because of all the ghosts there anyway, making it practically useless even if they were specifically looking for a ghost. Or the questions he asks Athena about weird smells and cold spots-- ALSO not relevant in a ghoul case, and which actually blew their cover when Athena related those weird questions to the ghoul they were hunting. I mean... yikes.

It’s this rigidity of thinking combined with his utter inexperience that really worries me.

Yes, he did notice things while wandering around Athena’s morgue that eventually alerted them to the fact that Dave was Athena’s boyfriend, but it was already too late. Dave had been tipped that they were hunters, and it drove him to rob the bank in order to have the funds to flee with Athena... setting up the shootout in the bank’s parking lot.

Jack realized that Dave’s bullets couldn’t hurt him, and he resorted to using his power consciously to stop Dave. He wasn’t expecting the security guard to be in the way of his uncontrolled power blast, nor was he expecting it to kill the guard.

He’d been trying to do something good, but he did something bad instead, and once again he’s terrified of himself. He’s questioning every “good” thing he’s ever done, scared of every use of his power he hasn’t been aware of, and wondering what other unknown things he may have done that have hurt people...

Including everything Dean had said about how he’d gotten Cas killed.

His power did that.

Yes, he also brought Cas back, but that doesn’t change anything. He couldn’t bring the guard back. He has no idea how he resurrected Kelly or tapped Cas awake in the Empty, and all his power couldn’t do anything to fix what he’d done with intent, yet had drastic consequences he’d never foreseen.

So yeah, I’m worried for Jack. He’s worried for himself. And he doesn’t trust anything right now. He hasn’t had the time to grow into his power, to understand it, despite feeling a huge pressure to do so.

And Cas? This is so far beyond anything Cas can even understand. He’s facing almost an entirely opposite problem from what Jack is. Cas understands his powers completely, he’s lived with them for billions of years and knows his limits and boundaries. He can understand some of Jack’s current moral dilemma, because he has been living with guilt resulting from some terrible choices he’s made in the past, but he can’t really understand Jack’s fear of his own powers.

In that respect, I think Sam and Dean understand him a bit better-- Sam via his demon blood powers that he’d once feared, and Dean with the MoC/demon powers that he’d also feared. But they also can’t identify with or understand how Jack’s power he’s afraid of is also part of himself. It’s not something he can “cure” or go through demon blood detox on. It’s part of who he is that he’s convinced makes him evil, simply because he can’t control it.

That’s why the whole “floaty pencil” thing had the Kill Bill Sirens going off in my head. In immediate contrast to the whole conversation about whether it was his powers that had unconsciously crossed over into a realm beyond God’s reach just to get something he wanted, to then turn around and seem him so proud to make a pencil levitate like a gleeful child showing off a trick they learned... it’s super unsettling to me.

Yes, I think Cas does care for Jack, just like Sam and Dean clearly do, even if the whole reason they care for him didn’t start out as an actual choice (because that’s how Jack’s power works, that’s how we’ve seen it clarified in 13.06 regarding his waking of Cas in the Empty). And the fact we’re also getting all the unsettling little tells that a character is becoming “less human,” well... let’s say I don’t really feel comfortable framing any of this with language that involves the word “Dad.”

[boschlingtumbles]

Chapter 41

“Beric, get out of bed,” Thoros cajoled, tugging a foot. Beric grabbed a bed post and made what Thoros assumed was supposed to be a growling noise. Mostly he just sounded disgruntled. “I cannot face your parents over breakfast alone dressed like this,” Thoros said plaintively. “Melisandre left ages ago and I’m starving and I need somebody to talk to your parents while I eat so I don’t have to explain what I’m wearing and how much it cost.” Beric cracked an eye and looked him over. “The suit is nice,” Beric said mildly. Thoros knew that was Beric-speak for the tie is hideously pink. “Nobody will be looking at the suit, the tie blinds anybody who gazes directly at it,” Thoros rolled his eyes. “I look like I’m rolling up for the Spring Service. Now c’mon, I can smell your Mom’s cooking and if Melisandre ate all the cinnamon rolls before she left, I will do terrible things to her.” “Do you think Robert will really care if I don’t go?” Beric asked glumly. “No,” Thoros frowned. “But I will care. Who will I talk to?!” “You’re a groomsman. You don’t get to talk,” Beric said wryly. “And I will be sitting alone in a pew trying to pretend like half the female population isn’t staring at me.” Thoros sighed. In a perfect world, Beric would have taken this experience in stride and maybe used it as a growing opportunity to become less self-conscious and more comfortable in his own skin. But he supposed that was the kind of journey that took years and lots of therapy, not two months as a viral phenomenon. Which left Thoros no choice. “I hate to burst your bubble, but they won’t be,” Thoros grinned, sitting down on the edge of the bed next to Beric. “That’s what you said about Dorne,” Beric began doubtfully. “Yes but this time’s different,” Thoros started trying to peel the bedsheet off him (a process made more difficult by the fact that Beric appeared to have rolled himself in it). “Why?” Beric huffed as Thoros managed to get the first layer free. “This time I have empirical evidence that your three minutes of fame are over,” Thoros said cheerfully, setting to work on the second layer. “Oh?” Beric raised an eyebrow. “Yup,” Thoros smirked. “Are you ready? As of four days ago,” he took a dramatic pause, “Jenny Oldstones has a boyfriend.” He was expecting some applause honestly. Or a gasp. Beric only rolled over. “Hey!” Thoros poked his shoulder. “This is good stuff! Do you have any idea how much high school gossip I had to listen to for this?! He’s from some fancy prep school and she’s at public. It’s all very scandalous.” “Great, I have ONE fewer admirer. She wasn’t going to be at the wedding anyway!” “You aren’t seeing the bigger picture,” Thoros attempted to tug Beric back toward him. “It’s not just Jenny and this Duncan kid. Once Cersei got Vogue, she pulled the commercial. Your fan base has an attention span of approximately ten seconds. They’re moving on and Jenny is indicative of that fact.” Beric grudgingly rolled onto his back, meeting Thoros’ gaze. “Well I certainly hope you’re right,” he mumbled. “And I wasn’t entirely serious about not coming to the wedding. It would be rude to not show up after I RSVPed.” “So rude,” Thoros agreed, smiling. “And I suppose I can come down to breakfast with you.” “Great, I think my stomach has started to devour my other organs.” “But I’m not coming with you to the sept early,” Beric said sternly. Or as sternly as he could manage with bedhead. “There will be no waiting around to be ogled at by wedding guests.” “I TOLD you, your five minutes of fame are over...” Thoros tried again, but Beric’s expression was unmoved. “Fine,” Thoros sulked. “But if there’s only one cinnamon roll left, it’s mine.” As it turned out, there were many cinnamon rolls left over. And Beric’s presence WAS the perfect buffer for his parents’ well-meaning but occasionally claustrophobic interest. 

“No I’m still working at the bar,” magically became “Would you pass those scones?” and “Yes it is an ugly shade of pink” became “More honey please.”

So although the car ride was boring and quiet and he was stuck in traffic the entire time, he actually arrived at the sept in a fairly good mood.

That was until he saw Ned, standing with Mace Tyrell. Mace was holding his son Loras and looking like he was having a bout of indigestion. Which was an improvement on Ned, who was looking like someone had just killed his dog. Not that Ned was naturally the super cheerful type. Thoros sometimes wondered if he didn’t need a hug and a good slug of whiskey.

“Okay, the pocket squares are terrible but you two look like you’ve seen a ghost,” Thoros tried to joke. Mace at least attempted a smile. Ned just turned, face taut with dismay.

“Mace... forgot... the ring,” Ned ground out with a positively venomous glare at Mace.

Hmm okay, well a hug probably wasn’t going to fix this. A slug of whiskey might not either, but you never knew until you tried. Thoros took a swig from his flask as Mace and Ned proceeded to freak out about Robert’s whereabouts, and then another sip or two as they dragged him along in their search of the sept. Honestly, Thoros wasn’t sure how helpful Robert would actually be in this situation. What they needed to do was find a ring.

“We need to find a substitute ring,” he said, when it became apparent that neither Ned nor Mace were reaching that conclusion on their own. “One that’s nice enough that Cersei won’t freak out.”

“It’s going to have to be REALLY nice,” Ned frowned. Well yeah. Didn’t he just say that? Fortunately for these slowpokes, this was not Thoros’ first time coming up short one really expensive ring. Or even his second.

“Let’s see,” he said, staring at Mace pointedly and waiting for him to get the hint. “Who on earth might possibly have an incredibly expensive ring that we can substitute?”

Mace shrugged and shifted Loras in his arms. Thoros might be waiting a while. “Like a SIXTY THOUSAND dragon ring?” Thoros said the number loudly, willing him to remember.

“I mean we can look around the wedding guests, but that’s super high end,” Mace scratched his head. “And we can’t ask anyone who might tell other guests.”

Seriously with this guy?

“Oh we should definitely borrow it without asking,” Thoros crossed his arms. Ned said something about ethics and morality, Thoros wasn’t really paying attention, he was too focused on trying to get Mace with the program.

“Mace, who could we steal a very expensive ring from that you would be in a very good position to return it to after the wedding?” He ground out as slowly as possible.

There was a start of recognition and then a tremor of terror. Ah, there it was. “You don’t mean...” Mace stammered.

“Gam Gam!” Loras shouted.

“You can’t be serious,” Mace hissed, and then she was on them.

“Who’s my favorite boy?” Olenna Tyrell demanded, whisking Loras away from Mace.

She was much as Thoros remembered her from his lackluster tenure at King’s Landing Prep. Elegant in a rather cold and sharp kind of way. Every third word was a barb, and Thoros, who did not consider himself particularly easily intimidated, was nonetheless relieved when she departed, Loras in tow.

“Do NOT steal my mother’s ring,” Mace growled, still shaken from the encounter.

“Of course not,” Thoros patted him on the back. That would be ridiculous. Think how much trouble he could get in. “YOU’ll steal the ring.”

Mace tried to protest, but Thoros raised his voice to talk over him.

“Ned, tell Robert he’ll have a lovely ring. It’s taken care of,” Thoros said firmly. Ned shot him a relieved look and hurried off, probably to continue the hunt for Robert.

Thoros looked over at Mace.

“You can’t make me do it,” Mace sulked. “I won’t.” 

Thoros took another swig from his flask and considered his dilemma. How to get a guy whose primary character trait was a groveling fear of his mother cross his mother?

What Mace really needed, Thoros decided, was a hug and a slug of whiskey. Metaphorical hug. Literal whiskey.

He put on his best ‘I’m a bartender and that’s basically a therapist’ face. “So how have you been Mace?”

“Well Loras got into a fight with another boy at daycare, and Alerie thinks they don’t provide enough supervision. She thinks we should take my mother up on an offer of a full time nanny, but I think it’s important for Loras to get socialization with other children his own age and mother says—“

“Wait,” Thoros stopped him. “That’s how Loras is. I want to know how you are.”

“Me?” Mace stared at him, genuinely baffled.

“Did your mother find out about the tattoo?” Thoros prodded, looking for some kind of resentment that he could turn into a grand gesture of defiance like say stealing Olenna Tyrell’s wedding ring.

“Oh almost immediately,” Mace swallowed. “She knew before I even landed in Highgarden. She goes over her credit card statements like a hawk.”

“Was she upset?”

“It really doesn’t bear dwelling on,” Mace shuddered. “Certain things were said that I really couldn’t bring myself to repeat.”

“It’s just a stupid tattoo, hasn’t she ever made a mistake?” Thoros waved his hand.

“Not ever I don’t think,” Mace said seriously.

“Doesn’t she know you’ll get it removed?” 

“She considers it indicative of one of my primary personal failings, which is that I’m too easily pushed around,” Mace explained.

“Ridiculous!”

“I know!”

“And the worst part is, it’s hypocritical! She complains about you being too easy to push around AS she pushes you around!”

“She’s always been like this,” Mace huffed. “Nothing was good enough unless it was her idea done her way.”

“It’s sad seeing somebody lacking such total self-awareness,” Thoros shook his head. 

“But she’ll never change.”

“Unless...” Thoros trailed off, pretending to hesitate.

“Unless what?”

“Well what if she had concrete proof that she was dead wrong about something? Like wouldn’t that at the very least give her a moment of reflection?”

“She’s never wrong about anything,” Mace sighed deeply. “It’s intolerable.”

“But she’s wrong about you,” Thoros elbowed him. “Obviously you’re not some spineless wimp who gets pushed around by his own mother.”

“I most certainly am not,” Mace puffed out his chest.

“What if you stood up to her? Said once and for all how you feel and get it off your chest? She would respect you for it, she would reconsider all these preconceived ideas, and think how great it would feel!”

Mace was slowly nodding along.

“It would feel great!”

“The most important thing is to make sure you have her attention though. You need to take her hands in your hands. You need to maintain eye contact. And when you apply pressure for emphasis, you need to slide her ring over the first knuckle and palm it.”

“Wait what?”

“Mace,” Thoros grabbed his hands. “Look at me.” Mace’s gaze skittered toward the floor but finally, reluctantly he looked up. “You need to do this. For Robert. For yourself. For your mother,” Thoros squeezed.

“I’ll mess it up, I mess everything up,” Mace fretted. 

“You won’t,” Thoros let go and tossed Mace’s ring in the air before catching it. “It’s remarkably easy.”

“Hey!” Mace stared at Thoros then down at his hand then back up. “That’s mine!”

“So it is,” Thoros slipped the ring onto his own finger. “Let’s practice.”

It took a solid twenty minutes before Mace was passable. Thoros was gambling on Olenna’s rather bony fingers and the fact that she would be so flabbergasted by Mace standing up to her.

“Time to find your mother,” Thoros said, conceding that this was probably as good as they were going to get in one lesson. He spotted Olenna Tyrell through a window mingling in the garden.

“Are you sure this will work?” Maced asked nervously as Thoros towed him along.

Not even slightly.

“Absolutely.”

They covertly watched from behind a tree as she embraced a middle-aged woman within ample bosom and golden curls who was obviously a Lannister. Now she moved on, like an angular bird of prey toward Tywin Lannister, insinuating herself between him and Steffon Baratheon. They drifted after, trying to keep several wedding guests away at all times. At one point, Thoros could have sworn she was glaring directly at them, and his throat felt unaccountably dry.

“I don’t have to tell her off in front of Tywin Lannister do I?” Mace had gone very sweaty.

“Of course not,” Thoros assured him. He wasn’t that heartless. “We’ll just wait this out.”

So they waited. 

“It’s just.. what do I say?” Mace fretted.

“You are an adult. You are capable of making your own decisions. Her constant interventions in your life do neither of you any favors,” Thoros said firmly.

Mace repeated this to himself, nodding along.

“And then?” He asked expectantly.

“Look, at some point this needs to come from you. It can’t sound rehearsed. And this is about you standing up for yourself, remember? Just start with that and then let the rest come from here,” Thoros poked Mace in the heart. 

Mace’s stomach growled and Mace looked down doubtfully.

“Just one more thing,” Thoros slung his arms around Mace’s broad frame. “The secret weapon,” he passed him the flask.

“It’s a wedding,” Mace whispered, looking around furtively.

“Do people not drink at weddings?” Thoros asked bemusedly.

“Well usually not before the ceremony!”

“I mean if you don’t want it...”

“No, wait,” Mace took a long swig. He straightened and smacked his lips. His face was flushed, his eyes were bright. A new man. 

Olenna meanwhile had leaned over to embrace Tywin, murmuring something in his ear, and then turning to kiss Steffon on the cheek. Steffon guffawed, Tywin harrumphed, Olenna floated back toward the entry courtyard.

“This is it,” Mace squared his shoulders. “Let’s go.”

Olenna had picked up speed, so in their haste to keep up, some of the stealth necessarily fell by the wayside. 

Mace was puffing slightly when they reached the valet stand, only for Thoros to spot Olenna slipping in the main sept. 

“There!”

They hurried after, barely catching a glimpse of her leaving the reception hall, then another sighting as she rounded a bend.

Thoros was so focused on not losing her ahead of him and not losing Mace behind him, that he barely had time to ponder where on earth she was going. 

She was well into the administrative side now, messy offices, outdated computers abounding. Had Thoros had any modicum of nostalgia for the Red Temple, he might have felt it now. As it was he didn’t, if anything it annoyed him, and he took the stairs she’d walked up two at a time, only speeding up as he turned a corner at the top, pausing briefly to stick his head in an open door and—

Olenna Tyrell stood waiting in what appeared to be a library, arms crossed.

“Do I know you?” She said in a voice that might have cut glass.

“Doubtful,” Thoros said, never having been so relieved of that fact.

“Can we just stop for half a second,” Mace panted as he puffed into the room. Then he saw his mother and gasped.

“Mace, thank the gods, I was worried I’d have to deal with your scruffy friend. Just like you to be following me around all morning and then the second I want you you’ve evaporated,” Olenna tsked.

Mace blinked at her, utterly befuddled.

“Here take this,” she handed him her handbag.

“Mother I need to talk to you,” Mace protested, trying to regain momentum, even as he took the bag.

“Not a good time,” Olenna studied her reflection in an antique mirror and fluffed her hair.

“No, Mother, it really can’t wait! I—“

“Oh and take this,” Olenna took off her wedding ring and dropped it in the purse.

Mace stopped, mouth open.

“You’ll catch flies dear. Now off you go,” Olenna waved an imperious hand. 

Seeing as Mace appeared frozen in place, Thoros hastily grabbed him by the elbow and towed him out into the hall, shutting the door to the library behind them.

“I don’t understand,” Mace stared at the ring in his hand. 

“Do we need to?” Thoros shrugged, plucking it from Mace’s grasp and depositing it in his pocket. “It’s for Robert after all. Things always have a way of working out for him.”

“But I didn’t get to stand up for myself! I didn’t get to tell my mother what I really thought!” Mace protested.

“Maybe it’s for the best,” Thoros patted him on the shoulder, then heard the familiar creak of footsteps coming up the same staircase they had just used.

“Hide,” Thoros said immediately, a lifetime spent prowling parts of the temple he wasn’t allowed to access kicking in. He shoved Mace into a coat closet and followed after, frantically trying to drag the sliding door shut before the creaking stopped. As it was, they still had about half an inch of daylight, and Thoros braced for a scolding from some arthritic septon.

Instead, they had half an inch of daylight to watch Tywin Lannister round the bend, look in both directions, and knock on the library door twice.

Half an inch of daylight to watch the door swing open and a slightly bony and definitely ringless hand grab Tywin’s lapels and pull him in.

Half an inch of daylight to watch the door click quietly shut.

There was a brief pause.

“...Mommy?” Mace said in a shaky uncertain voice.

Thoros pushed the sliding closet door back open.

“Well now that we’ve gotten the ring we can go back to the party and find Ned,” Thoros said briskly.

Mace sat down on the carpet, staring at the library door.

“I mean there’s really no point to linger here,” Thoros tried again, nudging him with his foot.

Mace looked at the door unblinking.

“In fact I would definitely leave before they finish um whatever it is they’re doing in there,” Thoros coughed. “Which could obviously be anything.”

No reply.

Thoros shrugged, and started down the steps.

You can’t just leave him there! A voice that sounded eerily like Beric interjected. Thoros ground his teeth.

“I thought you weren’t coming early,” he snarked to nobody in particular as he headed back up, grabbed Mace’s arm and twisted it behind him.

He found Ned with Robert, who had FINALLY made an appearance.

“Ned!” Thoros released Mace from his forced march through the sept and pulled Ned in a hearty handshake.

“Great to see you again!” He slipped him the ring.

If Robert found this behavior odd, he gave no sign. He gave them all a beatific smile.

“It’s my wedding!”

“Hells yeah it is!” Thoros said cheerfully. Mace sat back down on the carpet. Ned continued to look twitchy.

“Thoros, can I talk to you... over here?” Ned jerked toward a side hall. Neither Robert nor Mace paid them the slightest attention.

“No thanks necessary, but if you want to leave a tip the next time you stop by,” Thoros started smugly as they departed.

“Thanks?” Ned look confused.

“For the ring?” Thoros raised his eyebrows. Because he didn’t like to brag but he had kind of saved the day and was the most amazingly awesome dude ever.  

“Right! Thank you,” Ned recovered. “I just need one more thing. There’s been a um... hiccup? On the bride’s side. And I was hoping you could keep Robert distracted while I deal with it.”

“You just want me to hang out with Robert until the ceremony starts?” Thoros repeated back, confused.

“Yes,” Ned wrung his hands. “Just so he doesn’t worry about anything unnecessarily.”

“Yeah sure,” Thoros shrugged. He’d just spent an hour with Mace Tyrell. This would be easy compared to that.

He already had some ideas about how they could spend the time.

[rwbyremnants]

THIS CHAPTER: White Rose: exhibitionism, more implied. Bumbleby: fellatio, anal fingering, scissoring, nipple-play, coming inside. (a little unrealistic lol)

=Chapter 24

The itchy need for satisfaction was filling Blake as she strode through the halls, stomach clenched. She needed Yang. In fact, she needed Yang immediately.

The image of Ruby trying to force her ruffly skirt to hide her second erection of the day refused to leave her mind. Pushing down her skirt, feeling the air against the skin... how mortified Ruby had looked when she first refused to give them back, then how dully embarrassed she was once she accepted her fate. Maybe they weren't lovers and never would be, but they had enjoyed a brief diversion during their shared lesson - one that left Blake gasping for more. Really, she had been intending to take Ruby up on the offer to finish her off until she pointed out that Yang probably wanted that privilege – and also mentioned she was very eager to show Weiss what she had learned.

Which any fool could see if they looked at the front of her skirt, of course.

But Yang was not in the gym or the locker room. That was where she normally would be. Several text messages went unanswered. Finally, out of desperation, Blake called Weiss.

"What on earth do you want? I'm trying to finish my homework."

"Do you know where Yang is? Are you in the room, is she there with you?"

"No, she isn't, and you might have actually come to this room and checked. What laziness is... oh, hello there, Ruby. Have you seen Yang?"

Gulping, Blake reached her hand toward the screen. "Sorry, I gotta go! Thanks!"

"Where did your panties g- WHOA, are you already completely hard?! Is this from walking down the hall this way? Ruby Rose, what kind of pervert are you turning int-"

Blake cut the call short before she could hear any more. Yes, she had been intimate with both Ruby and Weiss at separate points, but that still didn't make her comfortable with the idea of listening to their first few moments of foreplay. Instead, she decided to continue her search.

Nearly another hour brought her to the kitchens behind the cafeteria. By now, it was past midnight. She didn't really expect to find Yang there at all, but she was running out of ideas and getting frustrated with texting nobody. Just as she was about to leave, she heard the clattering of a pan.

"Hello?" she called out, pacing further inside. "Anybody in here?"

No answer. Only more clattering of pans, and then of plates. If some one wasn't in here, some thing was. And it became further evident when a large bowl fell on the floor, spinning on its axis for a short moment before it inevitably stopped all movements. And just by that, one of the cupboard drawers was open. The culprit must be inside.

"Uhhh..." Eyes narrowed, Blake approached said cupboard very carefully, wishing she had Gambol Shroud with her. A butcher knife from one of the nearby tables would have to do. Snatching it up, she began to pace toward the cupboard.

But before she could get too close, the culprit poked its head out. The tiny black-and-red beast sniffed the air. Right away, it realised it wasn't alone, despite its terrible vision. And rather than await its demise, it made a sudden dash for it, heading straight toward the huge fridges.

"Oh, no you don't!" Rearing up, she hurled the knife toward the vermin. If it didn't deviate from its current course, this move would cleanly sever its head.

But it did. With a quick jolt to the right, it instead made a break for the back room, known to be where the fresh produce was kept. But instead, there was another trap waiting. As soon as it ran into the room, a bowl fell straight on top of it, followed by a very familiar brown boot to keep it in trapped.

Yang's boot.

"FINALLY! Dust almighty you were a pain in the ASS."

Blinking in surprise, Blake straightened from her battle stance, hands on her hips. "Oh! So it was you in here!" Pacing forward a few feet, she glanced between her battle partner's face and the bowl. "What are you doing?"

"Oh! Hey!" Yang smiled to her partner. It was obvious now why she couldn't hear her, she was wearing a rather large pair of headphones. Which she immediately pulled down to her neck instead.

"I thought I sent you a message about me getting detention? ...Or did I forget... I forgot. Oops."

"You did forget," Blake sighed with a slight smile. The music was still blaring out of the headphones, and she resisted the temptation to tap her boot along with the tempo. "I guess it's no big deal, though. What did you get detention for?"

"Copying Nora's homework. When... She let me, but Goodwitch isn't exactly gonna let me get away with it." Although, keeping her boot firmly in place, she rattled the bowl slightly. "I was told to get rid of this little creep, but to be fair he's so smart, I'm almost tempted to keep 'im."

One of Blake's eyebrows hiked slightly. "You don't think that would be a little... strange? Having a Pox as a pet? They're not like actual animals, you know. Grimm only exist to feed upon innocence, to destroy."

"Yeah but… pet," Yang joked, although she agreed entirely. It was a silly option. "I'll get rid of him later."

"Why wait? Just flip the bowl and step on it." No response. "Because... this is what we do, remember? Huntresses. We hunt Grimm. And exterminate them. So they don't kill us."

"But he's a widdle baby Pox who is so very clever yes he is yes he is!" Yang made a cutesy voice at that remark, looking to Blake with wide puppy eyes. But when there was no response, she sighed. "Look, we're on that camping trip soon, right? I'll set him free in the Emerald Forest. I'd doubt a Pox is gonna harm anyone, even first years in initiation."

"We don't know that," Blake said, but her voice was uncertain. Of course it was unlikely that a single Pox would ever be of much consequence. In truth, she was simply too horny to care at the moment.

Speaking of which... "So, was that your entire detention? Catching that little guy?"

"Yeah, that's what I mean; I thought it was easy, but it took me three hours!" She rattled the bowl once again to tease the creature beneath, hearing a rather shrill squeak when doing so. Although, that was a point. "What are you doing here, anyway?"

Of course, she had been all prepared to tell Yang, but for some reason the way she asked paired with the completely-unrelated topic of a moment ago made her blush and stammer, "N-nothing, I guess I just missed you."

"Missed me?" Yang tilted her head. They'd been seeing each other rather often as of late, but it was still rather adorable to hear it. "Hey, I missed you, too. I'm sorry for forgetting to tell you."

Now Blake was faced with a moral dilemma. Should she tell Yang what she had been up to with her sister? Should she tell her now or later, if indeed she chose to do so? After all, the purpose of the whole endeavour was to learn how best to please her partner when she had male anatomy - and though it had turned her on no end, she didn't actually wind up climaxing herself. Was it really such a bad thing?

"It's okay," she began hesitantly. "So... I have kind of a personal question."

Personal could mean anything. It could mean she wanted the blonde to look at something, or could even be her way of asking Yang to get her alone. Either situation worked well. "Hmmm? What's up?"

"Do you... what I mean is, have you taken Dust recently?" Of course, what she really meant was "are you currently in possession of a cock," but it didn't seem the most appropriate way to ask.

Blinking a few times, Yang wondered how to answer that. She hadn't taken it recently, per se, but neither had she taken an antidote, either. "You mean have I still got a dick?"

"Y-yes." Clearing her throat, Blake stared down at her boots to avoid Yang's gaze. "And I have a follow-up question... how do you hide it in those shorts?!"

The question made Yang chuckle all the more, as she placed a hand on her hip, deliberately parting her legs slightly more to tease her. "Depends who's teasing me; sometimes I just can't."

Of course, looking directly for it while that stance was maintained, the slight outline of a bulge could more easily be seen. One that her body responded to in multiple ways - and the mild disgust was far outweighed by her desire to explore, to have her urges sated.

No. She would not let herself become a slave to the phallus, especially when she typically preferred something else. "R-right. I'm hungry. Are you hungry? How about some ice cream?"

"Hungry? I caught you dinner, kitty, right here!" She gestured downward. Of course, a cat pun.

"Y-Yang!" she gasped, affronted. "That's... do you really want me to…" And, of course, it still sounded as if she were talking about the Pox, when she really had mistaken her partner's comment to be in reference to "devouring" her pending arousal. The way she was currently feeling, she would do it if asked.

"Maybe... you want me to pour a little sauce on it? Make this into a real meal? We are in the kitchens, after all."

"... Wait you actually would eat it? I thought me wanting to keep it as a pet was weird." Then she looked at Blake closer, tilting her head. Blake was completely red all over. Was that sweat on her forehead? "Are... You okay?"

The rushing in her ears had made the Faunus miss the bit about keeping it as a pet - which would have made her laugh. Instead, she merely turned, wiping the sweat away as she began to sort through bottles. "Hmm... I wonder what might go with it... ah, here we are. Just the thing."

When she got closer to Yang, it became apparent that she was holding a bottle of chocolate sauce. Her steps were quite purposeful, even if the blush to her skin made her seem as if she were having some sort of fit. What on Remnant was wrong with her teammate? She actually was going to go through with this and eat the captured Pox? And with chocolate sauce, no less?! Was it even safe to eat Grimm?

Back straightening, she looked worried for her friend. "What's the matter with you? You look like you're frying!"

"I'll be better once I've had... something to eat." Licking her lips, her breath was heavy as she pressed a hand gently against Yang's firm abdominal muscles, head tilting in to press her lips against a smooth neck. Oh, but she tasted divine. Yang always did, every part of her.

"W-wha…" Finally, Yang caught on; she wasn't referring to the Pox, after all. Whilst she was slightly disappointed Blake didn't get the cat joke, she was far more relieved that she wasn't actually going to eat the Grimm in that bowl under her boot.

Nearly panting already, Blake's hand began to slide down to the front of her shorts - not quite there yet, just in the general area. "Can you... put something on top of the bowl? Keep it trapped there?"

"U-uh... Something heavy, something heavy…" But there wasn't really much. It was only fresh greens within this particular room, none heavy enough to actually keep the beast in here. Unless she put the lid on the bowl. Tupperware was rather resistant, right?

"The lid, the lid is by the door."

In seconds, Blake had used her catlike speed to race across the room, snatch up the lid and race back to Yang's side. Kneeling down, she pushed it up to the edge of the bowl and glanced up at her partner, entire body tense.

"Ready - one, two, THREE!"

On three, Yang removed her foot, allowing Blake to life the bowl enough to slide the lid beneath. Thankfully, the small creature didn't put up much of a fight, and only could be heard scuttling back and forth over the bowl lid as Blake clicked it firmly in place. One living Pox, captured.

"Phew... I think we did that well. Let's call him 'Remmie'."

"Remmie?" Blake snorted, very slightly distracted as she placed the bowl on one of the countertops, then placed a large bundle of greens on top to hopefully hold it down. "Where'd you come up with that?"

She shrugged. "Rat, kitchen. Reminds me of that film Ruby and I used to watch when we were little. The one with a rat Faunus who wants to be a cook? I think that was his name." But then she smirked again, wiggling her finger to beckon her back over. "Now that he's restrained, however…"

With a seductive nod, Blake stalked right back over to her and took her lips without another second of hesitation. Oh, they felt and tasted so good! Her hand fisted in a mass of golden locks, not tugging but not being especially gentle either.

Right away the blonde was pushed up against the shelves. Her lips were being roughly kissed and hair was lightly pulled; Blake was on fire today! Either she was in heat, or something had to happen to get her this pent up. No need to ask now and ruin everything. Instead, she went to roll her tongue against hers, lapping the flavours she could get. Her Faunus girlfriend tasted amazing.

When she felt the tongue against her own, Blake felt a flash of intense guilt that almost made her pull away; Yang wasn't tasting only Blake in that kiss. Then again, she and Ruby had once shared Weiss while they were all in the same room; they had obviously both been intimate with her one after the other on different occasions. Their... emissions had probably mingled before. Maybe Yang didn't care as long as it wasn't direct contact.

Still, she decided it was wiser to pull away and press her mouth against the valley of Yang's cleavage, lapping at the faint traces of sweat on her skin.

Still in a daze from such a rough kiss, Yang stared at the woman as she began to kiss on her chest, quickly lowering her hands to undo the short brown jacket while she was at work. Blake was eager, a little bit too much. "Easy there, tiger." She stroked a finger across the back of her ears, giving one a light scratch.

Moaning from the little feline nickname and the attention to her ears, the hand still holding the bottle of sauce reached up so she could run her thumb over the soft peak through her shirt. Yang was not cold and not aroused... not yet, anyway.

"But I need you," Blake bleated as her face slid down the tube top to the bottom hem, pushing her lips against the taut abs as she continued to speak in a low, primal tone. "I need to devour you... it's so hot, and I'm so..."

"You're so...?" But when she noticed the cap was off the bottle of chocolate sauce, it was obvious Blake really needed this. She needed Yang turned on, as soon as possible. "You really are in heat, aren't you? You could'a just said, I'd have skipped this detention." And then to tease even further, she ran a hand across her cheek, smirking widely. "I'd have had you ride me all day instead..."

That last sentence shot through to Blake's core. Oh, how she would have loved that. Pressing her face into Yang's center, she felt the gentle give of a flaccid cock held at bay by spandex. It was beautiful. She was so desperate to be pleasured to release that even just feeling that through a layer of fabric was almost too much.

"Mine," she moaned quietly as she released Yang's hair to leave light scratches on her lower back as she scrabbled to tug the back of her shorts downward. "All mine..."

"Hah- AH! Ah..."

The light scratches only caused Yang to moan out louder, reaching her hands onto the shelf to support herself as she remained perfectly still. Last time, Blake wasn't really keen on this organ at all, and now it seemed she couldn't get enough of it! Not that she could complain; at the rate Blake was stroking her, kissing her, she was going to be aroused very soon.

Deciding to help further, Yang continued her filthy conversation, looking down for her exact reaction. "Y-yeah... I can see it now. Maybe not a ride... But maybe I could have waited for you and kept you in after lesson. Coulda bent you over the desk..."

"Yeah?" Blake asked as the waistband was finally low enough in front to reveal a dusting of blonde hairs. It was low enough in back to unveil buttocks, of course, and her other hand raised up to press the cold bottle against the firm flesh. God, was there a part of Yang's body that she didn't exercise to peak efficiency?

"Tell me what you would do," she groaned against the growing organ. Now it was a question of whether it would peek over the edge of the shorts on its own or if Blake would pull it down first. "With me over the desk..."

The question was answered when Yang had to force herself to think about that image. Imagining herself take Blake in such a manner was making her arousal grow by the second, making it peep out of her underwear by it's own accord. Hard, always rock hard.

"I would have a hand full of your hair... My other would be keeping your hands still... And I'd be pounding away, over and over."

"Keeping my hands still?" Blake asked, eyes drawn to the head emerging from its restraints. Oh, it looked even better than Ruby's - not as "cute", but larger and more rigid. When she had started thinking about these aspects of an erection as being "better" or "cuter", she had no idea, but it couldn't be questioned now.

"Is that what you would do to me?" she went on as her hand continued to tug downward, her face already in place to catch the length along her soft face once it bounced free. Immediately, the strong scent of arousal rolled over her. She must have been one sick woman to hunger for it as deeply as she was, but she held herself back, staring up at the two prominent mounds that almost entirely eclipsed Yang's face. "Grab my hair and force yourself into me, over and over? You... could still do that. Right now. Right like we are."

"I... You wouldn't mind that? In your mouth?" But when Blake shook her head slowly, she looked down to her with large wide eyes. Blake had been scared of this, scared of penises in general. And now she was offering for Yang to take her mouth as she would if it were a wet pussy. Was she going crazy?

But Yang wanted it. She wanted it so much. She couldn't resist such a demand, and one hand dove into her hair, holding a large amount of it into her tight grip. "Alrighty then, tiger. Lap away."

A tiny squeal happened when she was grabbed, but Blake showed no other sign of displeasure. After a few deep breaths, she began in a soft, throaty voice, "Well... I can't promise I'll be perfect at this, but God do I hope I am." Her hand reached around to the front and pulled the shorts down to fully reveal Yang's package, but even as she did so her lips were already pressing against the smooth head.

"H'oh!" On reflex, Yang leant forward, unable to help herself as she grasped into the hair tighter. This was fantastic, and was about to become even better. "Y-you sure?!"

"AH!" Blake half-screamed at the strain on her scalp. It was such a strangely satisfying pain, and she only felt more aroused from its presence. "Just... just let me..."

Stomach in knots, she brought her other hand around and immediately poured a generous drizzling of chocolate all over the hard length in front of her nose. The blonde's eyes shot open once more, and she was forced to let the woman's hair go for a moment. As much as she enjoyed the sensation of having a liquid being squeezed all over it, it was very...

"Cold! C-cold!"

"Yeah?" Blake breathed, already being driven absolutely wild by the mingling scents of heady arousal and decadent cocoa. Her carnal hunger increased exponentially, but she forced herself to merely breathe along the surface, allowing the scent to roll over her, to tingle on her taste buds as her mouth hung open like an animal. "You... don't like the cold syrup? Want me to warm it up?"

"Y-yes... Yes please…" But realising this sudden desperation to make herself warm again wasn't exactly going to turn her girlfriend on. Or more, keep her turned on. So the blonde reached her hand back into her hair again, trying her best to resist quivering when she added, "Show me what that mouth can do..."

Licking her lips, Blake set to doing exactly that. Nothing could have held her back after hearing such a thing from her lover. Immediately, her mouth stretched wide and took half of the entire shaft, slowly drawing back so as to more smear the chocolate than devour it, her tongue endlessly teasing the underside as she went.

"Oooohhh…" Yang found herself beginning to slide down the shelves very slightly, her legs beginning to quiver with joy. Once more, she was able to enjoy that sensation of being licked there, of having a whole mouth around her. This time, maybe without the teeth. Although this was different, Blake knew exactly where to lick. And where to apply the pressure. It was incredible! "Holy Shi- mmm, wow!"

A smile curled up the corners of Blake's mouth. It was working. Yang was enjoying this, it was actually working! Not wanting to waste any time, she very slowly began to move her head up and down around the length, moving her tongue as she did so and bringing her lips to about halfway down every time. That would do for now. Oh, how much more pleasurable the chocolate made everything! Even though she loved doing this for her partner, she loved doing it with an improved flavour even more.

Where did Blake learn this? And more importantly, if she learnt this, what else did she know? Were the current movements of her mouth her limit in these actions? Either way, Yang was curious to find out, but she was even more curious as to how much Blake wanted to be taken herself...

"Hmm... Will you... Want me to get you, when you're done? Huh? Pin you down... Keep touching you till you scream..."

"Mmhmmm!" was all Blake could answer for the time being. She was far too busy taking so much of Yang into her mouth, raising her fingers to press very lightly against the soft sack underneath. There was more skin to it than there had been to Ruby's, although it felt as if the orbs inside might be smaller. Her handling was too delicate for her to make a proper estimation, and she would have it no other way.

Her first instinct was the same as Ruby's, to instantly call "Gently!" out to her. But there was no need; Blake WAS gentle with her, very gentle. And although she much preferred contact to her length then to the orbs below, it was speeding along the process of things, helping her relax more.

"D-damn... Blake, you're so good at this!"

Pride flared up in her chest. Not just that she was doing the job, but doing it well - that was more than she could have asked for! Turns out her "training session" was a worthwhile effort after all. Her teasing fingers reached further back to the soft perineum between her sex and her rear entrance, pushing gently inward to the taut muscle that supported the erection. There was something deeply gratifying about finding that, and Blake moaned against the skin of her lover yet again.

Yang's eyes snapped wide open again, making her spread her legs even further apart so Blake could access that part of her more easily. It was beyond her control, but that feeling was incredible! And she only wanted more of it to continue whilst Blake paid attention to her length. But if this kept up, she would climax pretty soon!

But said actions were re-awakening a craving that had been building since she and Weiss had their encounter. For someone to enter into her while she was biologically male. What if someone was to poke there? No, she was too aroused. It wouldn't be fair for her to finish twice and not even finish Blake once.

However, the spreading of the legs was more of a red flag than Yang probably intended. As she continued to bob up and down on the length, she watched the thighs twitching, how much Yang was opening up. Did Yang want… that? Could Blake give that to her, could she stomach it? Nobody had ever touched her there, and she didn't think she wanted anyone to, either. However, if Yang really wanted it...

Perhaps just a test run. As her mouth began to slip three-quarters of the way down Yang's girth, feeling more of it in her throat than just purely in her mouth, she trailed her hand another inch further back, feeling the skin grow more and more taut.

As more of her length was being accepted into her mouth, Yang's head was just spinning. Over and over again she continuously moaned as a tongue moved over her length, on the underside, everywhere. Blake was incredibly skilled, so much she would have thought she had practice on many partners. Her arousal filled mind did nothing to stop Blake going further. In fact, so far she didn't notice it.

Not until the finger was just resting against her opening. The skin was slick and tight, and vaguely moist from their recent "activity”. Blake couldn't believe she was actually touching another person in that area! Of course, she also couldn't believe she had a male organ thrusting into her mouth over and over, but then again it was hard to feel so shocked twice in one day.

And then Yang could feel where her finger was. The position opened up even more desire for her to be entered there, for her to want someone pounding into it with their own phallus. Was she losing her mind? But Blake's fingers were enough for now, and as they stroked the ever so sensitive skin there, she found herself moaning out rather loudly.

Apparently, it really did something for the bruiser, to feel a teasing there. Blake would have to remember that. For now, it was simply enough for her to continue going down on her girth as she prodded gently at the tightly-closed orifice.

Although... it was beginning to open. As it flexed and twitched, Blake got the distinct impression that an area she would never have thought to enter before was actively trying to let her in now. Even as she sped up her movements to match Yang's moans, she felt the fingertip actually sinking past the outer defenses. A mingling excitement and dread welled up in her. Would this be a good thing, or a huge mistake?

Yang was calling out so loudly, legs quivering without any signs of stopping; how could it be? She needed this, just as much as Blake needed her. Even as she felt herself starting to open a little, she attempted to back her rear against the finger trying to prod her, encouraging more to enter her.

But it might not be long until that was too late, as she could feel her stomach tighten. "B-Blake... I'm c-close!"

Something about the disbelief in the words made her mind focus on them. She was surprised by the suddenness of this climax - surprised, and maybe even disappointed. What did they both want? Blake thought she might want to be mounted... and that Yang might want to be mounted, too, despite her current biology. What should they do?

"Hey," she gasped as she withdrew Yang from her mouth completely, stroking furiously with the free hand as she took a break to breathe. "Do... I m-mean, what do you want me to do for you? This? Or... this?" To punctuate her last word, her finger pushed in very slightly, wriggling in the process.

"Hah… Hah…" Sweat was already dripping down her face. It was all too much to think about. What did she want now? If she had another person here, she could have both. But for now… the offer of being entered was so inviting. Especially as she backed herself against the finger again.

"I think... I want you inside."

Blake felt a strange thrill run through herself at that admission. She really wanted more of this strange act? Plus, she seemed highly ashamed of admitting it; that somehow made it that much hotter. Even if she hadn't said as much, her body was screaming it to the heavens with the firm cheeks pressing up against her wandering hand.

So she let it. Her hand held still as Yang backed onto it, pushing the single digit deeper and deeper inside. Warmth was in there, warmth and soft, vulnerable skin, and as much as she hated to admit it, the sensation of gliding her finger back and forth as she moved it was undeniably pleasant. Just feeling this part of her lover that would have otherwise gone unexplored brought yet more heat to the inside of her own legs. With or without Yang's help, she'd be finishing after this was over. Very soon after.

"Mmhh," Blake moaned as she swirled her tongue around the head again. "You... really love this, don't you? I c-can finish you off this way, if that's what you need..."

More eager sounds poured forth from the blonde's mouth. Blake was inside! Blake was finally satisfying her weird craving to have her ass invaded. Just the invasion she needed after that encounter that teased the area so much… Yes. That was what she needed to finish. Blake may had only just learnt how to treat the phallus properly, but now Yang really wanted attention to that amazing new area discovered.

"Yes, please do it, d-don't stop..."

"Okay!" she gasped eagerly - but she wasn't about to let her newfound knowledge fall by the wayside. As the finger waggled back and forth, again she took Yang's cock into her mouth, allowing the bucking hips to drive it deeper with every apex. Within mere seconds, she could feel blonde hairs against her lip. She was taking it all, every pulsating inch, and managing that while Yang made such unholy noises from being penetrated. There had never been anything more fantastic.

"Ah! AH! Holy shit... Holy Shit!" she couldn't help but begin to call out over and over, grasping Blake's hair once again to steady herself as she thrust into the woman's mouth and throat over and over. The finger pushing into her rear made things even worse, especially as it was brushing against the overly sensitive gland in there.

And then the climax came. Grasping Blake's head tightly, she couldn't help but deliver one last firm thrust into her mouth. Such a movement caused her to gasp, and forced the thick white liquid from her sex to come out, all of which was in the Faunus's mouth.

Which surprised Blake with the sheer amount pouring forth into her. Yes, Ruby had also done this, but perhaps the younger sister had been holding back out of some kind of reticence to actually climax in her presence. Yang had no such reservations, and loosed shot after thick shot into her throat. This time, Blake felt a gag reflex kick in, but she managed to force it down and swallow everything, though her eyes did begin to water.

'I did it,' she thought with mingling horror and pride. 'Never thought I would do this to one of these, but I did, and I made her come! M-maybe there's no reason for me to be scared of these, I guess... as long as it's attached to somebody as kickass as my Yang.'

The possessiveness of that last thought did frighten her a bit, but she shrugged it off as she began to swirl her well-coated tongue over the hot skin. Curiosity to see how Yang would react kept her from stopping just yet.

"Hah... Ah... B-Blake? I f-finished…" But the tongue wasn't stopping. She was continuing to lick her phallus all over, hitting the same spot again and again in her rear. Even when she tried to pull herself back, Blake held her in place...

What was this rigid little mass inside of Yang? It was soft on the outside of course, but just beneath it was a firm, defiant something, roughly the size and shape of a walnut. The problem was, while Yang was moving her hips backward, it more gave the impression that she wanted Blake to keep going with her finger than communicating that it was time for her to exit the mouth.

"B-Blake! S-Sto-aa-aaaaah!!" But as the finger pushed against her prostate once more, it was sending yet more pleasure through her. This was ridiculous! Could she come yet again?

However, the tongue gliding over her length made things clear. She couldn't. After this long, it was aching and in slight pain. She found herself having to tug the Faunus girl's hair back, drawing herself out of her mouth.

Worry shot through Blake when she was yanked away from her duties - and it was all she could do to hold her finger still instead of pulling it out too fast. Still pressing very gently against her new toy, she asked, "Do you... want me to stop this, too?" It was an earnest question, not a tease. Maybe Yang couldn't tell, but she was still grinding backward against the exploring digit.

Finally managing to catch her breath back again, Yang closed her eyes, only able to nod frantically as she attempted to bring herself away from the digit. Of course, to no avail. Her subconscious only wanted it too much.

This really was interesting. Yang loved the feeling. Not just thought it was "okay", but she craved more, even after a male orgasm - even with her sex clearly no longer aroused! She couldn't let this go quite yet. Stroking against the knot of pleasure faster than ever, she left a little kiss on the top of the slick length.

"I'll stop... right after you tell me what this is like. What you're feeling. Clearly you like it, so... so explain it to me."

Biting her lip firmly, Yang closed her eyes tight, attempting as best she could not to let Blake see how easy it was to have her under her thumb. Or more, under her finger. But she had to, for the sake of keeping her sanity; she had to give up and tell her.

"I-It's... You're in me, where I sh-shouldn't be entered… plus, that thing… whatever it is, that thing feels s-so good!!!"

So this was the way to bring Yang Xiao Long entirely under control: explore her hind opening. That information would have to be closely guarded... but she could make use of it herself now and again.

"Are you sure you... want me to stop?" Blake panted with unmistakeable heat, finger slowing in its endeavours. "I can just do this for you if it still feels good. We could..." Only now did she feel shy - partly because she was about to propose the very arrangement she and Ruby had tried mere hours ago. "You could work on me while I work on you, maybe? But I'll still pull out if you want, I just... love seeing you enjoying yourself."

Yang was somewhat torn. She wanted this to continue, she also wanted to take Blake. It would be rather difficult to do both without a particular toy for that sort of thing. Of course, she could always use her fingers... They could finger one another this way. If they were to lay on the ground, they could find decent positions also. What was there to lose?

"You know something? You're insatiable," she had to say with a grin, but finally agreeing. "Let's do it."

"Really?!" she burst out in disbelief. Then she cleared her throat and said, "Alright, you... if you move very slowly, we should be able to do this without me having to pull out of you."

For the time being, her finger's movements ceased as she tried to hold her hand perfectly still, looking up at Yang expectantly. This only continued to feel more and more dirty, but they were both enjoying themselves. What was the real harm?

Yang felt the same way. Even despite finishing already, she wanted this. And she wanted Blake to finish, as well; from how she looked, she'd been wanting this for too long. So, to keep her from waiting, she very gently began to kneel, pulling Blake with her at the same pace. This was the awkward part... But once they were down, only pleasure awaited them.

Once they were both kneeling, Blake seized an opportunity to dart in for a very hard kiss, semen-slicked lips grinding on lips, slightly-damp hand grasping at her neck. She was holding her body slightly away, but it was only so her pristine white shorts wouldn't come into contact with her partner's length.

Suddenly Yang was back out of control again. She had no option but to shift herself to hold her length away from her beloved partner. It was soaking wet, no wonder she wanted it away! Although when she felt Blake's tongue mingle against hers, she struggled to overcome the urge to pull away or gag. This was her own juices being exchanged in a kiss. And although the sensation wasn't… unpleasant , it wasn't exactly something she would ask for willingly.

And Blake felt it, of course - the hesitance to kiss her. Unsure of the reason but trying her best not to panic over what might be nothing, she drew back and whispered, "You okay?"

"Y-yeah…" Although that was also hesitant. Although she was able to swallow Weiss's easily, and if she ever took the Dust, Blake's also; there was something about tasting her own that made her cringe. Made her feel sick. "M-maybe we shouldn't right now? I mean, I love kissing you, b-but..."

"Ohhhhhh," she breathed when she understood what Yang was referencing at last. "Because I have- yeah, that makes sense." And the she noticed the hips pushing back into her hand even more and she smirked. "Boy, either you're trying really hard not to get stains on my clothing, or you just really like my finger!"

"B-bit of both... Shut up!" She couldn't help but giggle again, but a firm thrust to her rear end soon shut her up, and coaxed out a soft sigh from her.

It also reminded her... Blake had been waiting for something. Trailing her hand down the woman's body slowly, she eventually placed the palm of her hand in between her legs, cupping the softness found there.

"Hmm... Just nice for the taking..."

The instant she was touched there, a guttural noise of pure need burst out of the Faunus's throat. God, she had almost forgotten how much her body needed this! It had only been pushed up against her body for a few seconds, and already she was rocking gently against the gloved palm, swaying visibly.

"You... oh, Yang... mmmhhHHHHHhh..."

"Wow... Are you SURE you ain't in heat?" she asked, but when no response was received, she continued to rub firmly against the soft skin under her clothes. She really didn't want to stain those, they were probably wet enough. "Maybe we should take these off, huh?"

Doing her best to keep the hand in Yang's rear from moving too much, she reached back with the other and began to unzip her shorts without any further discussion. There was no reason to delay in her heat-addled mind. Speaking of which... maybe she was in heat again. It would be unusual so soon, but all this constant stimulation could bring it on, in theory. Either way, she soon was down to her panties, the shorts lying on one of the nearby counters.

"Good girl... You don't mind these getting a little wet, do you?" She asked this as she pushed her hips forward, which in turn, pushed up her sex against Blake's panties. Soaked in Blake's saliva, and now getting a thin coating of whatever liquids Blake's arousal was making , she could already begin to feel herself getting harder again.

Amazed that Yang could recover so quickly, Blake began to grind her own hips forward - only to find her arm trapped between them. How could they do this? Was it physically possible?

"Can you... step over my arm?" she panted hotly. "S-so I'm reaching around from behind you, I... if we can do it, I want you to..." But she couldn't force herself to finish the sentence. It was too vulgar.

But Yang wanted to hear it. Not only was she interested in the instruction, but she wanted to hear Blake say the words.

"Don't be shy..." She smirked, leaning in closely. "I... want you to take me... while I take you." Looking down and away, it was all she could do to not actually stand up and flee the room. Cheeks red as fire, Yang stared at the woman below. She wanted to be taken, at long last she wanted to be taken by a male phallus. She had certainly come a long way.

But, there was a problem. "H-how is that gonna be possible?"

Blake's face was also glowing with both shame and excitement at what she had admitted to desiring, but she did her best to distract herself from that by examining their bodies. "If... you step over my arm and then lay on top of me, maybe... could I still reach, or is that not possible?"

"I-it might, but that sounds overly complicated. Look, let, try this." And then she made sure to lay herself on the floor, shifting herself back slowly to give Blake some room, being careful to not disturb the finger inside her opening. Raising her leg, she placed it on top of Blake's shoulder, whilst using her spare hand to then hold her phallus straight, to allow Blake to get into position.

Scissoring. How much more gay could this get?

"Ow," Blake grunted when the boot clomped onto her shoulder. Plus her arm was cramping from having to be this extended! But then she was distracted by the sight before her: a mostly-erect glistening sex pointed straight at her while a finger stayed deep inside of her rear. It was both shameful and beautiful. Swallowing thickly, she reached down and began to remove her panties for the second time that day.

"Is... does it feel much different than with a strap-on?" she asked baldly, unable to use more decorum than that in the moment.

"Heh, um... I've never tried the strap-on on myself... But it seems the same," Yang admitted, finding herself looking down slightly as Blake also prepared to get into position. This was going to be difficult, but if done right it would pay off well. Especially if Yang was in such a submissive state.

Now that she was laid bare, Blake felt her cat-ears attempting to pin themselves back. Yang could see all of her, would be able to watch as she was slowly entered by a thick, wet arousal. It would be completely degrading with anyone else in her opinion. So, to distract herself from that prospect...

"Have you ever taken one in here?" she asked as her finger began to prod the knot of nerves inside Yang. "Real or fake?"

Had it been anyone else, and had the finger not been present, Yang would have answered rather abruptly. Had it been a casual romp like she used to with men she'd meet, she would have probably delivered a slap across the face for asking such a question. But now, the submissive Yang was powerless to deliver any other answer.

"No." She groaned, keeping her sex straight so Blake could slide on easily. "No... Not yet."

Another thing to file away for future contemplation; Yang was an "anal virgin" in a manner of speaking. The heavy-lidded look in the blonde's features, the way her cheeks burned red and her breath came in shaky gasps... it was the lowest she had ever seen her brought. Blake could probably do anything in the world to her right now. Maybe she wouldn't abuse that position... but she could have a teensy bit of fun with it.

"You know," Blake went on as she stroked Yang's inner spot, "I really like the way your chest moves when we're doing things. Really wish I could see it right now..."

So Blake wasn't going to give her the satisfaction of having her phallus go inside her yet. Not until she got what she wanted. "You... Want my top off, don't you?"

"Yes, I do." With a slight shrug of the shoulder that wasn't working on Yang's behind, she muttered, "N-not that you have to just because it's what I want, that's not how I meant it at all..."

As her behind was prodded even further, she was becoming undone once again. Blake had her wrapped around her little finger. Giving into the demand, she quickly reached up to her top, pulling it over her shoulders and tossing it aside. And from there, she then went to unclasp her bra, soon throwing that aside as well. Anything to get her more of what she needed.

"Oooh," Blake said aloud at seeing the large, smooth mounds bounce free of their trappings. Maybe it was obscene of her to admit it, even to herself, but she was both envious of them and glad that she had easy access to being allowed to see and play. In the spirit of that...

It wasn't easy, but Blake was able to lean in and press her mouth against one erect nipple, taking care not to thrust her hand too hard as she reoriented her body. The thick arousal was now pressing up against her short dark pubic hairs, and the slick wetness of it only spurred her to work even harder at the skin under her mouth.

Humming contently, and leaning her head right back in pleasure, Yang simply allowed Blake to take over. Such actions were indeed bringing memories back of her first few encounters, how nervous she was, how she allowed men to take the lead. She was allowing Blake to do the same, to pleasure her body in all different ways. And she was powerless to stop it. All she could to was whisper her name.

Hearing that word on Yang's lips was such an aphrodisiac! Little by little, her hips began to move until she was grinding against Yang's thigh, feeling the arousal brush through her hairs. Truth be told, she could probably easily finish in this manner... but she decided that probably wouldn't be fair to either of them.

"Are you ready?" she breathed, looking up with wide eyes at Yang from below her breast, a near-feral light of lust in them. "Do... do you need me?"

Driven wild by desire, and a craving for the unknown, Yang sighed contently, keeping her eyes closed as she tried to relax herself as much as possible. This would be intense. "I need you… only you."

The nearly-naked body of her lover called to Blake so much that she couldn't take it another moment. Reluctantly pulling away from the soft, inviting chest, she pulled back to a sitting position and hiked the leg yet higher.

"You know... there's something cute about your soft little balls from this angle," she breathed with a slight chuckle.

Right away she wanted to cover them, or cover her face. Anything to escape the embarrassment. Why couldn't Blake just begin without this teasing torture? Unable to help herself, she felt her sex throbbing slightly against the woman's skin. She was eager to be inside.

"P-please?"

Sensing that her comment might have been too far, Blake swallowed and reached down to brush over them lightly with her other hand. "I m-mean, they're so large, and strong! Just like your cock!"

Admittedly, Yang appreciated the comments from the Faunus. Weiss only ever insulted her male sex, told her it wasn't as good as hers. Yes, it was to make their play more intense; but it did slightly harm her confidence when she possessed this form. But Blake was making her feel good, making her feel pretty even with said object. It was a feeling better than any sex she could get.

Indeed, Blake's comment had not been intended as "emasculating", even though Yang was not a man. She thought the gentle shape of her sack was appealing, like a dessert or a small animal. Her phrasing had simply come off as insulting. But perhaps her subsequent words and actions had helped enough to mend the damage.

"And... I've never had anything that big in my mouth," she continued as she tugged the shaft forward, aiming it in her own direction. "So hard and perfect..."

Biting her lip, Yang completely relaxed herself, bracing for what was to come. She could only hope that Blake was to satisfy her at last, like she was waiting for. "T-then let me take you…"

"Yes, please. I... I want you to have my virginity." Already mortified that she had said such a thing, Blake decided to push the head up against her slick entrance to end their talk. "Ohhhh..."

"Aaaah," Yang sighed in unison, placing both of her hands on Blake's hips to hold her steady. That was a point she hadn't considered; Blake was a virgin. She had the strap-on inside her, but to a real phallus, she was a virgin. This was her very first time.

And Yang was to share this moment with her.

Slowly, carefully, the thick flesh was beginning to slide inside of her. There was no need for teasing or further foreplay; she was already dripping wet in a literal sense by now. There were tiny rivulets of damp all over Yang's inner thigh. The satisfaction at feeling her lover begin to enter her body could not be described, but it was on a deeper level than anything she'd felt before.

"Mmmm, Yang, you're so... it’s huge..."

"You're so… warm ." She was. The inner walls of Blake Belladonna were warm and wet, silken. She felt good in them. Was it strange to say, safe within her. But the feeling of pleasure was far too overwhelming for her to dwell on it, and as more of her entered, she began to let out yet another moan.

"Oh, I- oh, OHHHHH!!" The half-moan, half-scream was unavoidable when Yang pushed all the way into her - or more precisely, when she pushed Yang all the way into her. The blonde was in no position to do much with that finger where it was. Blake was just scarcely able to keep it in there with her legs almost in the way, by draping the one over Yang's waist and stretching out the other as far as she could get it. Which was fairly far, given her catlike grace. This was too much. It was everything.

Only able to speak through rather fierce sounding grunts and snarls, Yang gradually pushed herself against the finger once again, attempting to push more of it inside her. Perhaps it wasn't what she should be focusing on, especially when Blake was taking her virginity with Yang's length right before her; but how could she help it? This was all too good!

Feeling the hips grinding back against her hand, Blake redoubled her grip on Yang's rear end and forced the finger as deep as she could possibly go. Yes, part of her regretted that the union of their sexes could not wholly inhabit center stage, but she didn't mind prodding that vulnerable part inside of Yang a single bit.

"You... Yang, is this good for you?! Do you love this?!"

She could only nod, growling away once more as the finger penetrated her even deeper. The muscles of her backside were tightening against her finger to keep her there, as were those in her stomach. Not now... Not when Blake was so close!

"I-I'm… gonna... Ah…!"

Really? Again, this soon after the last one? It seemed Blake had discovered a lethal combination of stimulations - ones that were guaranteed to cause Yang to climax. Maybe, if she pushed hard enough for it, she could bring about three of them in a row. On the other hand, that might just be greedy, or impossible, or harmful to her partner. Not worth trying today.

Therefore, she slowed down her prodding in the rear and sped up her hips, feeling the mass shift inside of her. It was everything she had imagined and nothing she had dreaded, which was such a relief to her that she started laughing, light and high and laced with moans.

The finger slowing down was such a relief. Although she enjoyed the sensation of the prodding and stroking of that gland, it felt all too much for her. Perhaps they would explore that area more in the future – maybe with a strap-on, or either Blake or Weiss having taken the Dust.

But her partner's laugh was contagious! When was the last time she saw Blake smile like that, or laugh that loudly? The dance, probably. Either way, it made the blonde grin, and even start to laugh and moan as well. "O-okay… I admit... You're good! S-so good..."

"It is good! It's... it's you, no matter how we do it!" And with no more than that, Blake began to throw herself down onto Yang's sex with reckless abandon, faster and faster until her head began to swim, her legs and arm trembling with the effort of keeping everything going. Her own orgasm was within reach; it had been building for hours, after all.

"I... I'm gonna finish! Are you?!"

With a few more moans, and using the hands on her hips to pull her onto her sex over and over, Yang’s climax was at hand once again. She really couldn't get enough. "Yes! Yes I am! Th-throw yourself at me, make me feel it!!!"

"Yeah! Yeah, you'll feel it!" But she didn't mean what Yang meant. Once she already felt Yang's movements begin to get more erratic and the cock throbbing inside her, once she felt her own flesh crying out for sweet release, she began attacking the thick knot of nerves inside of Yang anew, going at it for all she was worth. This was going to be the mother of all climaxes.

"W-WHOA! Blake, Blake!!! BLAAAYAAAAAH!" Stroking that gland once more was all too much! She needed release again, and she needed it while she was inside Blake, and Blake was inside her.

Then it came. Once again, she found muscles tightening and quivering all over, and felt the thick, hot seed pouring out of her and into her lover as she thrust away on top. Her only hope was that Blake also got the release she needed, and deserved.

Which she did. Never before had Blake felt an orgasm quite like this, one borne of such a prolonged denial that it resulted in an explosion of pure ecstasy. Feeling the object deep inside her actually throbbing of its own accord somehow only increased her pleasure instead of detracting from it as she would have expected. Even feeling the soft mass inside Yang helped heighten her joy.

Finally, what felt like hours later, her movements ceased and she lay there in front of Yang, back crooked slightly so her hand remained inside. "Ohhhh... oh, wow..."

Yang was lost for words. Literally, in the case of her panting loudly and finally laying herself back. But once more, she felt that finger right against the gland within. This time, she meant it. "O-okay... I'm done now... Jesus Blake, you know how to wear a girl out."

"Yeah, I... found your... 'on' button..." She chuckled slightly, which soon set off a cough - probably something to do with her throat being dry as a bone. "You... is it really that good? In there? I mean, you can... tell me honestly now that we... already... you know."

"Hnnn... C-could do with it out now." After two orgasms in quick succession, the frantic movement caused by the cough caused her to feel rather sore in two different areas, and was rather uncomfortable. "While I love it, it can be too much..."

"Sorry!" Not sure what the problem was, Blake elected to withdraw both her finger and Yang's cock in the same moment, pulling both out at a steady pace. "NnhhhAH!"

With the finger exiting so quickly, she groaned rather loudly. Which only went on longer as she felt her thick sex withdrawing from her. Until at last, she was free.

Lying back and staring at the lighting rigs high above her, the Faunus took stock of her life. That had been one wild experience, but at the same time, it was mostly normal, save for where that finger had wound up. Even if Yang didn't have an artificially-created phallus at the moment, the position they had been in would have worked - at least, according to most of the reading she had done on the subject of lesbian sex.

"You... okay?" she finally gasped at Yang.

Mind clouded with pleasure, and thanks to her exhaustion; Yang had to take a moment to herself just to pant and regain her energy. Thank goodness she was on the floor to do that, and didn't have to keep herself on the bowl. After such time, she moved her leg off the Faunus's shoulder.

"Yeah... God, that was tiring, though."

"A good tiring?" Blake tried to roll her head to one side so as to look at Yang, but couldn't quite manage it. "Was... everything good? Was I good?" Maybe that was a bit selfish of her to ask right after, but Blake needed to ask.

"Good? Holy shit, you were amazing ." She grinned again, sitting herself back up and scooting her self back over to her to her clothes. As much as she wanted to remain naked for Blake, she wouldn't risk getting yet another detention.

And Blake eagerly watched her body move. Without the heady arousal clouding her judgement, now it was purely the aesthetics of her partner, every generous curve and stretch of smooth skin. The slight bounce of muscled flesh with every step and turn - even including her softening member, which wouldn't have been a pleasant sight to her before today. It was like watching a goddess come to the mortal plane.

"So are you," she finally answered in a husky voice, fully aware that she used present tense instead of past. She wasn't referring to only the sex anymore.

The compliment made the blonde smile, and brought more heat to her cheeks. How could she have ever questioned her feelings for Blake before all this? Blake was a wonderful partner, a fantastic lover, and all in all, a great girlfriend. And although she enjoyed time with Weiss as well, she truly adored Blake. Maybe they did need another conversation about this.

"Sssso!" Blake grunted as she sat up, head spinning for just a moment until she took a few breaths. "Whew! I mean... should we go get a cage for the Pox if you really want to set it free in the forest?"

Truth be told, she nearly forgot about little 'Remmie', who was probably still trying to get out of the bowl in the kitchen. Starting to chuckle, she slid on her underwear, then her shorts. "Yeah... Would probably be a good idea."

"Awwww," Blake sighed as she pushed herself to standing - and then found her legs were shaking. Yang had literally made her weak in the knees! "I'm gonna miss looking at your butt."

"Gonna miss looking at yours as well." She winked, then quickly snapping her bra back on to 'restrain the ladies', they'd certainly been bouncing for long enough. But noticing Blake was quivering so badly made her grin even more. Seemed the Faunus girl really did enjoy being handled rough. "I think we'll have to do this again."

"Y-yeah," Blake laughed, only slightly nervous at a thought that would have terrified her a few days ago. "I mean, either with the real thing or that strap-on toy of yours." As she pulled her panties and shorts back up into place, she tried to sound very casual with her next question. "Do you still have that?"

"The strap-on? Of course. Hey, that needs a name, too. I'm thinking something like ‘The Viking…’" She winked again, at last fully dressing herself as she paced toward the kitchen, wanting to check on her new "friend".

The brunette's fingers slipped off one of her zippers. "The Viking?! Seriously?" But she found herself laughing as she paced toward the sink to wash one of her hands that happened to need more attention than the other. Much as she loved Yang, this was one way in which she had no desire to remain “dirty”. "What about... 'Yang Xiao Schlong'?"

"Oooh, you're good," she chuckled, delivering a playful slap to her lover's rear. And then her attention was back to the bowl, which didn't seem to have moved from its spot. Either the beast was asleep, or the bowl was no match for its scurrying. "How are we gonna sneak him outta here?"

Still giggling from the slap - and feeling a very mild resurgence of arousal that she chose to ignore - Blake thought about that as she dried her hand. "Well... if we can get it back to the room, I'm sure Ruby could loan us that backpack she put that mutt of yours in."

"Hey, Zwei isn't a mutt! He's one hundred percent pure breed of Awesome." But that was a good plan, so long as the beast didn't manage to bite through the material. "Yeah, sounds alright. I think Weiss will crap herself, though. What if we kept it in one of our lockers? That way, it could make it all the way to the camping trip."

"Maybe we shouldn't let the heiress know about it; would save us some stressful conversation." Then she offered her elbow to the blonde. "Ready? Or do you want to get a snack before we go?"

"…Ice cream sandwich." Before even explaining that to her, she quickly paced toward the freezer, very quickly taking two of the packets before she rushed back to her partner, and linking her arm with hers. "I'm ready now, milady."

"Okay," Blake laughed quietly as they moved toward the door, heart bursting with affection for her battle partner. "And thanks for getting me one, too."

"Oh... one for you. Right." Yang turned to go back to the freezer.

[huntertales]

Part Three: Night of the Living Dead. (Dead Men Don’t Wear Plaid S05E15)

Episode Summary:  Sam, Dean and the reader investigate Bobby’s home town where the dead are rising from the grave but instead of attacking humans, they are happily reuniting with their families. Pairing: Dean Winchester x Reader Word Count: 3,772.

Previous Part | Supernatural Rewrite Masterlist

Your name: submit What is this? // <![CDATA[ function replaceAll(find, replace, str) { return str.replace(new RegExp(find, 'g'), replace); } function myHandler() { var input = document.getElementById("inputTxt").value; document.body.innerHTML = replaceAll('Y/N', document.getElementById("inputTxt").value, document.body.innerHTML); } // ]]>

The truth was always a hard thing to say, and another struggle to get yourself to believe in. But it was there. And he was going to have to do what he will with it. You and the boys arrived back at Bobby’s house a little after the sun set with a bit of unsettling news. After you told Dean about the encounter with Ezra Jones, it was all downhill from here. The man was about ready to barge through the front door of the Singer household and blow Karen’s brains out right in front of her husband. You managed to talk him off the ledge and convinced him into at least talking to Bobby to explain what was going on here. You knew it was only going to be a matter of time until Sioux Falls turned into a remake of 'Night of the Living Dead' if all of you didn't put a stop to this.

“Keep your damn voices down.” Bobby warned you, not giving you such a warm welcome when you followed him into the library after telling him you had not so good news. He was more concerned about his wife and hurting her feeling if she happened to overhear something that might offend her. “Karen’s upstairs.”

“Oh, I’m sorry. We’re just a little tense right now.” Dean hissed at the man, not in the mood to be on polite terms with the man. You crossed your arms over your chest and let out a faint sight, not prepared for the conversation you were about to have with Bobby. “Who’s old lady Jones?”

“The first one to come up.” Bobby answered.

“First one to go bad.” You said.

“Ah, she was always a nutty broad.” Bobby muttered, shrugging off your words.

“Nutty how? Nutty like the way she ate her husband’s stomach out? Or maybe she’s nutty in the sense of she tried to take a bite out of me.”You wondered, raising a brow slightly to drive your point to what was going on here. “Was that the level of nutty she was in life?”

Bobby fell silent for a moment from what you said, “No.”  

“Look, Bobby, I feel for you.” Dean said, trying his hardest to be empathetic to the man the best way that he could while he tried hiding Frankenstein’s monster from the angry crowd. “But you have got to acknowledge that you’re not exactly seeing this straight!”

“Bobby, whether you admit it or not, these things are turning.” Sam said, following Bobby as he began wheeling himself across the room until he was now staring at you again from a farther distance. “We have to stop them—all of them.”

Bobby wasn't in the mood anymore to hear what you or the boys had to say about this situation. You glanced down when you noticed his hand disappeared underneath his leg, to pull out something that you weren't expecting to see, as things seemed to have escalated quickly. "Time to go." He told you simply, not seeming to feel the least bit guilty when he pointed a fully loaded gun in your direction. The boys stiffened in discomfort, not sure of what the man was going to do when his finger hovered over the trigger. You, however, let out what sounded like a chuckle as your lips stretched into a smirk at what he was doing. “You think this is funny, Y/N? You heard me. Off my property.”

“Or what?” You asked him. “You’ll shoot us?”

“If Karen turns, I will handle it—my way.” Bobby said, not leaving the conversation up for discussion again. Dean tried to warn the man about what kind of dangerous situation he was putting himself in, Bobby lifted his finger to cock the gun, giving his response of what he thought about your concern for him. "I'm not telling you twice."

You stared at Bobby for a moment, wondering if he really was going to do this, and from the deadpan stare he was giving you, the man wasn't about to bend for his wife. You scoffed from what he was doing. You muttered underneath your breath about how dramatic men could be. He wouldn't ever shoot you, no matter how much he tried putting on this tough act, but you listened to him anyway. If Bobby wanted to go out like this, being left as a snack for his soon to be rabid wife, fine. Let him. You had an entire town to worry about.

+ + +

“He’s crazy.”

You and the boys managed to get outside of the property before Dean was speaking once more about his distaste for what Bobby was doing. He was choosing the woman that had died decades ago over the people that he was closest to. The man had practically raised the boys, called all three of you his own children from what he had been through these past handful of years. You were a bit bitter about what Bobby was doing, but you decided to let him simmer down. You had a bit of time until Karen could turn into a Stepford housewife with a taste for human flesh. The man might be in a wheelchair, but it didn't mean he was powerless. Sam tried to look at the bigger picture right now. There was an entire town that was harboring zombies, just waiting to attack.

“It's his wife, Dean.” You reminded the older Winchester, knowing too damn well he would have done the same thing if you or Sam were put in that position like Karen was.

“So he goes ’Full Metal Jacket’ on us?” Dean asked, you rolled your eyes from his reaction that was all too like him. “We're his family, Y/N.”

“Look, man. Bigger fish, okay?” Sam reminded his older brother about what you were dealing with here. “I mean, we got a bunch of zombies about to turn this town into a giant chew toy.”

“Yeah, and he's alone in the house making pie with one of 'em!” Dean shouted, not being able to keep his frustration hidden any longer. Sam raised his toe slightly, wondering exactly what he was trying to get at here, and how he was going to handle this situation. “So! I'm gonna have to go back there and… and… and kill her. That's the only thing I can think of.”

“If he sees you, you're a dead man.” You reminded him, trying to poke a hole into his master plan.

“Well, then, I guess I won't let him see me.” Dean said with a confident tone, as if it was going to be that easy for him.

“Well, I hate to you this to you Sammy, but...you mind going into town on your own? I need to make sure your idiot brother doesn't get himself killed by the end of the night.” You said. You weren't happy yourself with how the plan was working out, you furthered your point by looking Dean straight in the eye with an annoyed look. “You're gonna need some help. Hey, what about the sheriff?”

“Uh,” Sam gave you a confused look from whom you had suggested to be his backup. He wasn't exactly pleased himself, wanting you to join in on the fun he was about to get into, but he knew his brother, the man didn't always think logically. “last time I checked, the sheriff was pretty pro-zombie, Y/N.”

“You're just gonna have to convince her.” You said.

“How?”

“I don't know. You're just gonna.”

+ + +

You really should have been with Sam at this point of the night when Sioux Falls was at the very brink of a possible zombie overtake. But you were holding onto that little fraction of hope that maybe none of this will end out terribly. You were hoping for a sunny day when it kept raining on and on. You cocked back the shotgun and made sure it was fully loaded before slipping a few more rounds of ammunition into your jacket pocket. Dean busied himself by putting a few more bullets into the chamber of the gun, not seeming to notice that your attention drifted to the house to take a final look at it from the distance that you parked. Bobby was inside the house with his wife, just wanting this little moment of his to keep on going. He was lying over a bomb, not caring that it was going to explode at any second and kill him.

"Could you do it?" You asked the older Winchester out of the blue.

Dean looked up from the shotgun and gave you a bit of a confused look, "Do what, exactly?"

"Say you were in Bobby's position. If you realized the colt could kill Lucifer—that you could prevent the entire world from going up into flames, would you do it?" You asked him out of a dark curiosity. Dean didn't seem to think twice about that question. He let out a bit of a chuckle as he got his shotgun ready for use. That was what all three of you were doing, trying to stop the Devil and save the world. But you weren't done with your question. "If you honestly found a way to kill the Devil—and if you knew it could take me down with him, too—would you do it?"

It was a simple question. Hell, it was a theory that could be a possibility in the near future. All of you had known what the consequences would be if you found a way to stop Lucifer once and for all. You seen it what felt like an entire lifetime ago, even though it’d been a few months. Dean had tried to shoot Lucifer straight in the head with the colt, and while the three of you had been lured into believing that the fight was over, it was just the beginning. You had learned the hard way that if you wanted to take down the bloody devil, his better half was going with him. Dean looked away from you when he heard the words ring inside his head again. He tried so hard to forget that little fact. But you brought it back, and made him wonder for a second about this. He tried to use the excuse that you were different, that you weren’t rapidly turning into a monster like Karen could be. Yet he’d be lying if you were just fine. It was the moral dilemma of killing one to save them all. Could Dean do it if the possibility dropped into his lap?

The both of you were struck out of your personal thoughts when you heard a gunshot go off, the color in your face drained at the thought of what might have happened. Neither of you wasted a second in bolting for the house, needing to know what was going on. Dean picked the lock in just a few seconds flat before the door swung open and he called out the man’s name. You followed behind on his heels and looked around to see where Bobby could have been. The two of you headed inside the library to see a sight you wouldn’t have expected to find so soon. You stopped in your tracks and lowered your gun.

Bobby sat at his wife’s side while she laid on the makeshift he made for her. While it seemed like a sight that seemed like any other, it was the gun that he held and the blood splattered pillow that made you realized what happened. Karen had felt herself starting to turn, and to be sure that she couldn’t hurt her husband like she did before, Bobby killed her, all over again. You could feel your heartbeat pound a little bit harder when the man looked away from his wife and to you and Dean. If there was ever a moment that you saw Bobby at his weakest, this...this was that exact moment you would never forget.

+ + +

There was time and place to mourn the loss of his wife, but tonight was not one of them. You were a bit surprised when Bobby snapped out of his grief long enough to make a plan of what to do. Sam was out there alone and he needed all the help he could get. You stood outside with Bobby at your side and Dean loaded up the van with all the supplies you would need. As you looked around the junkyard for any possible zombies roaming around where they shouldn’t be, you found yourself staring back at the heartbroken Bobby. He could say all he wanted that he was fine, but you could see it in his eyes. He wasn’t going to be okay for a while.

“You know,” You struck up a conversation, bringing the older man’s attention to you as he broke himself out his concentration on no particular space. “If you want to sit this one out…”

Bobby was tempted for a moment at letting himself not take on such a big fight. But the man couldn’t go back into that house with his wife just lying there. He looked at you from the corner of his eye and gave you his answer, “Let’s just get going.”

Dean decided that answer was good as any. He tossed the last bag into the back of the truck and proceeded to start closing the first door and reached out his hand to close the second, but before he could, a distant sound coming from beyond in the junkyard caught your attention. He stopped for a moment and cautiously looked over his shoulder, he had a feeling that wasn’t just a raccoon looking for food. Dean reached for his shotgun again and turned on his flashlight. He looked over at you, and with a simple command to keep a look out, the man ventured off into the darkness to figure out what could have made that sound.

You thought that it could have been nothing, but you were prepared for the worst in this kind of situation. You and Bobby waited for a minute as things seemed to have grown nothing but silent, all you could hear was the sound of your heartbeat and breathing that turned into smoky breaths from the cold winter night. Both of you cautiously tried peeking through the cracks of the crushed cars to see if you could find out what was going on when you heard an unsettling noise disrupt your silence. That’s when you saw it, a shadow that wasn’t Dean’s when you called out the man’s name. When you caught sight of a trespasser, you aimed your gun and tried to take a shot at it, but you missed.

You turned your head just in time to see a zombie come out of nowhere, but Bobby was quicker than you, he pointed his gun and took a shot, blowing the person’s skull right off. You could see that you were about to get surrounded, and no matter how many times you called out Dean’s name, he wouldn’t respond. So, like the crazy idiot that you were, you told Bobby to hold things down as you ventured into the wild, getting ready to kill some zombies in the process. You had managed to take down at least three before you found Dean, struggling to fight off Clay Thompson who had claimed he wasn’t a zombie, but he sure looked it from the way that he was desperately trying to eat the older Winchester. WIth Dean on his back and struggling to get his gun, you pointed the barrel of your own and pulled the trigger, blowing Clay’s head right off.

Dean could thank you later for what you did, but right now you had left Bobby alone, and knowing your mind, it jumped to the worse case scenario. You and the Winchester headed back to the van to see that Bobby was better off than you thought with at least two zombies on the ground missing most of their head. But he was in a bit of a bind when he was lying on the ground trying to fight off another hungry zombie. Dean snuck from behind and pulled the trigger, saving the man from becoming tonight's dinner.

"Little help here?" Bobby asked, not sure what the two of you were doing a few seconds after the zombie dropped dead.

You mumbled an apology as you let the gun slip out from your grip for just a second to help Dean get the man back to his chair, but it was the worst time to put your guard down. When Bobby was secure again, you took notice that at least two zombies were coming out of nowhere, along with a few other friends. You hissed a few curse words underneath your breath as you didn't waste a second aiming for any possible headshots that would give you. But unlike the stupid horror movies, these things moved fast. Dean listened to you when you told him to get Bobby inside as you followed not that far behind, wasting your ammunition on wasted shots as the three of you got yourselves back inside the house.

“Got anymore ammo?” Dean asked. He slammed the door behind him and checked to see how many more rounds he had left. But it didn’t look pretty. “I’m low.”

“Yeah, we got plenty.” Bobby answered him. “Just run back past the zombies. It’s in the van where we left it.”

“A simple ‘no’ would have been fine.” You muttered underneath your breath. Being the smartest person in the room, you managed to stuck at least a few more rounds into your jacket. You loaded up what you could and hoped that it would be enough to get yourself out there and grab what you needed before coming back. “What the hell are they doing here, anyway?!”

“I think I get it.” Bobby said.

Before the man could tell you why, the moment was rudely interrupted by someone making the effort to jump through the first story window and make his grand appearance. You let out a scoff and aimed your gun, pulling the trigger on the man before he could do something stupid. Dean  looked over to the top the staircase when he heard one come from upstairs. He took his final shot at another one. While the men announced they were empty, you rolled your eyes from how situation kept growing worse. You nodded your head for the back of the house, you needed to get somewhere that was free of windows or entrances to the outside. You followed behind as the two men began heading for the kitchen, but another zombie made his grand entrance by jumping through the window. You pulled the risky move of wasting what ammunition you had left of your own so the three of you could make it to safety. But they kept coming.

One jumped through a window, another broke the small window to the door to try and unlock it so they could sneak themselves through. It took at least two more shots before you were all out of bullets, rendering the three of you helpless. Somehow, if by some miracle, you found yourself being backed into a closet and thrown into pitch darkness as the numbers of bodies began to grow. Dean managed to slam the door before someone could get hurt. You quickly found the string that connected to the light, and with a quick tug, you could finally see at least a foot in front of you. Your back was pressed against the wall and Bobby’s wheelchair was nearly crushing your leg as Dean’s elbow was awkwardly pressed against your side.

“Kind of a tight fit, don’t you think?” You wondered, trying to push off Dean best as you could get any sort of room you could get in here.

“It’s all right. They’re idiots.” Dean reassured you. “They can’t pick a lock.”

It seemed that from their constant pounding, they could hear the fabulous idea that Dean had given him. You could feel a sense of panic wash over you at how everything dropped silent for a moment, and just like that, you watched as the doorknob began to slowly twist back and forth. You reached out your arm to roughly slam your fist against the man's arm. "You idiot!" You hissed at him. "Don't you ever get tired of being wrong?"

"I'm making this stuff up as I go, Y/N." Dean said. "Sue me."

If you somehow made it out alive of this situation, you were going to do far worse things to him than just that. You inhaled a deep breath as you watched them slowly undo the lock, and before you knew it, you were facing the crowd of more than half a dozen zombies that wanted nothing more than to eat your flesh. You and Dean tried to fight your way out by hitting them hard as you could in the skull, but that wasn’t good enough. They just brushed it off like nothing and pushed harder to try and get a bite. While you were thinking that this might be the end, you heard a familiar voice shout something, all before you felt Dean push you to the ground. After that, you heard a fire of gunshots go off.

Bodies dropped to the ground like flies, one after the other, Sam took them down with a bit of help that he gotten into town. It only took less than a minute before things had returned back to what you could resume normal. Bobby’s house was covered in blood and had at least a dozen or so dead bodies lying around his property. But you were alive. When it was safe, you began to push yourself to your feet. You peered over the doorframe to see that it was Jody Mills, the sheriff who, not too long ago, had thrown the three of you in jail thinking that your talk about zombies was absurd. But here she stood with a shotgun and a look on her face that didn’t make you feel the least bit good about this situation.

"Are you okay?"

The question could have been simply answered with a yes, but you wondered. In the span of just a few hours Sioux Falls was turned upside down. Bobby had to shoot his own wife, Jody heard the gunshot that took her only son's life as Sam was the unfortunate soul that had to do that terrible deed.

“Define okay, Sammy.”

Rewrite Taglist: @deansquirreljerkwinchester@lotsofspnshitposts@everything-i-tried-was-taken @starswirlblitz @albot-e@supernaturalismydrug @we-are-band-sexuals@cleo-is-my-doggy @eeyore1988 @kaylinfayezink@owhatshername1@kgbrenner@princessofhorrors (Message me if you would like to be added!)

[atundratoadstool]

I’m about a century behind on my vampire media, so this may already be a thing, but I'd really dig some stories about ethically-conflicted vampire hunters. Not the sort of trite, pat thing where some vampire hunter who thinks of vampires as soulless demons suddenly has an epiphany that “Oh gee! Vampires might be people too!” I want to see a vampire hunter who is fully aware that vampires are just as human as they are but who nevertheless feels a moral obligation to do something about these totally-just-like-them, soul-having human beings who tend to have an uncontrollable propensity to murder other people.

Because. let’s face it, unless you have a vampire setting in which vampires are completely capable of perfect self control, even the nicest, most pacifistic vampire who lives in the wilderness and tries very hard to subsist on squirrels has a very real potential to nevertheless end up as a serial killer, and even if they only “slip up” very occasionally, they will have an eternity to keep making those slip ups. What’s more, there are very few settings where you can just send vampires to vampire jail or put them on vampire probation after trying them in court for the occasional act of vampire manslaughter. I really want to see some vampire hunter that does the utilitarian moral math and decides, terrible as it is, that it’s to everybody’s benefit to take down vampires because their survival isn’t worth however many victims they’re going to eventually rack up -- somebody who feels awful, but genuinely believes that some people shouldn’t keep cutting other people’s lives short while extending their own well past the years human beings are generally allotted.

I want a vampire hunter who has to agonize about taking down the poor guy who’s a genuinely good person who never asked to be un-Dead but who just ate seven tourists in the last month because they can’t keep it together. I want a vampire hunter who really wants to give out second chances, who really does sympathize with the brooding penitents questioning their humanity, but who still feels they have to come down on the side of people who’s time is limited. I want a vampire hunter who maybe, instead of questioning the reality or fate of vampires’ souls, questions their own, wondering whether or not they’ll be forgiven for taking innocent lives in the hope of saving more. We’ve gotten to the point where vampires are sympathetic figures, but it seems that we still (as the backlash to Twilight indicates) want them to eat people, and I could go for some fiction dealing with the dilemma that should bring up. 

[remembertae]

GLOW “Maybe It’s All the Disco”

(Photo: Netflix)

S1 E8, released Jun. 23, 2017

WRITTEN BY: Nick Jones

SYNOPSIS

In the mid-1980s, GLOW – a fledgling pro women’s wrestling group – is gearing up for its first televised performance. During their post-workout locker room time, one of the ladies asks her teammates for a tampon, which is when many of them notice that their menstrual cycles have synced up (a natural result of working so closely together and residing in the same motel). The one person who remains quiet during this chatter is Ruth, who is notorious for having slept with the husband of her teammate/former friend Debbie. Later at a drugstore, Ruth runs into gossipy Melrose and pretends to be looking for a birthday gift for their teammate Sheila. But really she’s there to purchase a home pregnancy test.

At the motel, Ruth uses the test kit, then anxiously awaits the results. When roommate Sheila comes by, Ruth manages to hide the kit before she sees it. But in that moment Ruth also notices the stick is blue, which means she’s pregnant. Later at Sheila’s disco roller rink birthday party, Ruth tries putting on a happy face for the group but looks sad and squeamish when she spots a child with his mom. When she tells teammate Rhonda that she needs to go back to the motel because she isn’t feeling well, Rhonda jokes, “Could be all the disco. Or maybe you’re pregnant!“ Ruth chuckles and leaves.

Later in her room, Ruth phones someone and says, “I’m sorry to bother you. I didn’t know who else to call.” In the next scene, it’s morning and we see a car pull up outside the motel to pick up Ruth - it’s surly director Sam, who takes her to a clinic. Ruth signs in for her 10 a.m. appointment then sits with Sam and thanks him for helping her. He offers to pick up donuts during her procedure and she asks for a pink-frosted one. In a rare moment of gravity, Sam says, “I feel like I’m supposed to ask you if this is what you want.” Ruth is thoughtful for a moment and replies, “Yeah. It’s not the right time. Not the right baby.” When the nurse calls her back, Ruth reminds Sam to get the donuts but he says he’ll wait until she’s done so she can pick them out herself. As Ruth walks away, she turns to Sam and says in the voice of her Russian wrestling character Zoya the Destroyer, “In Soviet Union, abortion is the only thing there is no line for.” He laughs.

As Ruth reclines on the surgery table, her physician asks her to verify that this is her decision. Explaining the discomfort she is about to feel, the doctor asks, "Does this all make sense?” Ruth quietly replies, “I’m a wrestler.” She stares at a painting of clouds on the ceiling as the procedure begins.

KEEPING IT REAL QUOTIENT

During the roller rink birthday party scene, there’s this lovely moment when extremely introverted goth Sheila (a so-called She-Wolf who occasionally sleeps in the woods) finally appears to be having fun despite having been suckered into this party plan. Rollerskating with her teammates as they cheer her name, she lets out a celebratory howl, and the others join her. This camaraderie shows how far these women have come as a team, despite all the differences that set them apart when they first met. But the moment turns bittersweet when Ruth pulls away from the group, looking very upset. She can’t fully enjoy that moment with her teammates because she has a secret, one that could destroy the bonds she’s built with them.

That sort of subtlety is what makes this abortion story just wonderful. The conflict doesn’t center on whether or not Ruth should abort. It’s the pregnancy itself that threatens all the work she’s done. For the sake of the team and her emotional wellbeing, Ruth must keep her situation secret. But keeping a secret from a tight-knit group of 14 women is — both in this episode and in real life — quite difficult.

To give a bit of background, the series begins with the entire team learning that Ruth had sex with Debbie’s husband Mark - which becomes apparent when Debbie (a beautiful and talented former actress who’s just become a mom) comes by the gym to kick Ruth’s ass. After seeing that spectacle, Sam asks Debbie to join the team as their starring player and Ruth/Zoya’s nemesis. But being nemeses in the ring requires a strong working relationship. At this point in the series, Ruth is not only starting to develop a new sort of trust with Debbie, she’s just beginning to earn respect from all these other women who first came to know her as a home-wrecker.

Especially given that Debbie is trying to work things out with Mark, absolutely no good could come of everyone learning Ruth is pregnant with his offspring. For career and personal reasons, this is indeed the wrong time and the wrong baby. Abortion is the obvious best answer to her dilemma, but it is not the primary source of drama in this story. Ruth’s main challenge is keeping this short-lived pregnancy under wraps and she handles that task heroically, though it obviously pains her to do so.

I don’t often single out actors in these reviews, but I have to give a shout out to Allison Brie* for her excellent performance as Ruth. She says little about her situation throughout the story, but pain, panic, and confusion are so clearly written on her face in those quiet moments when no one is looking. Her funny banter with Sam (Marc Maron) in the clinic scene felt natural and made me laugh pretty hard (especially her joke about abortion in the Soviet Union). His asking her if this is what she wants came off as purely kind and not judgmental, and she doesn’t seem to feel the need to justify her decision on any ethical level. But when you see her in surgery, her expression looks like the perfect mix of physical discomfort, relief and sadness, which were certainly feelings I had when I had an abortion. No matter how sure you are about this decision, getting pregnant by accident sucks and having to hide it from other people (whether out of consideration or fear of judgment) can make the situation even harder. It’s a lot of emotion to convey in one brief shot, and Brie does it splendidly.

GRADE

A This isn’t a typical abortion story. The drama doesn’t center on abortion as a moral choice. Ruth’s unplanned pregnancy and her decision to terminate aren’t just thrown in as an opportunity to discuss a controversial and/or woman-centric issue. This situation is a turning point in her character’s development. Ruth committed a terrible sin by sleeping with her friend’s husband, and quietly ending her pregnancy is the most noble and caring choice she can make. But it is also the most practical, because it allows her to keep pursuing a new career she loves.

* Brie is also the voice actor behind Diane, the protagonist from Bojack Horseman’s fantastic abortion episode “Brrap Brrap Pew Pew”.

- by Tara

[quickreaver]

J2 Longfic Fridays!

A few weeks ago, I was asked over on tumblr for some of my J2 recs, the longer the better, and since I'm horrible at keeping records and my memory is poo, I laid it on my twitter TL. (Which is chockful of great fandom creators, and if you want choice recs? Ask the people who make the goods.)

The list grew into a MONSTER within minutes of posing the question: what's your favorite J2 longfic? I haven't read most of them, but on the upside, look at this embarrassment of riches! To keep it manageable (or else it'll go on forever and take up most of my life), I'll offer ten J2 longfic recs a week—posting on Friday—until I run out or I change the topic or whatevs. I'll include a brief description and a review if I've read the fic. For tracking, I'll be tagging these “J2LongficFriday”. My personal recs will be listed with an asterisk, I'll update with reviews as I chug through the list, and I'm always taking more recs and reviews. Happy J2ing!

(presented alphabetically by title)

~A Man's Fortune by morrezela. 29k. “Jared is a dragon. Jensen is a pretty if foolhardy young man trespassing on Jared’s mountain. Nobody ever warned Jensen about the possessive nature of dragons.” ~Dawnbringer 'Verse by lexicale. 300k. Another highly recced selection. Like shifter stuff? Give this a try. “The story follows Jensen and Jared, both werecats and both dealing with loss but coming from two very different situations. The fic explore their relationship as well as the world of the 'ailure,' a race of creatures capable of changing their shape from cat to human.” ~Do I Seem Bulletproof to You?* By fleshflutter. 96k. “When he can't find any acting work, Jared takes a job as driver and bodyguard to Jensen, who is an extremely expensive prostitute with a bad habit of attracting crazy people.”

This is the most recommended fic of all the bunch, so I'm reading it now. And yep, it's as good as everyone says it is. You get lured right into Jared's plight, his infatuation, his dilemmas. The incidental characters are interesting, and I can't say too much more about it since I'm not that far into it, but it's just a little bit hot. Yep. There's this one swimming pool scene, well. (Doesn't hurt that I just got back from my first visit to LA, so I can really picture the setting.) Enjoying the hell outta this fic so far! ~Get No Harder by kelleigh. 29k. “It was the summer that made coming back to life worthwhile. Based off of Farmer's Daughter, which is a terrible, terrible country song.”

I'm gonna read this one next, because kelleigh is a lovely person, a lovely writer, and this line from her author notes hooked me like a carp: “Jared was the wayward son and Jensen was the addict, looking for work and looking to save himself. He found so much more. ♥” ~Modern Love by sonofabiscuit77, 36k. “In 2005, art intern, Jared Padalecki, fell in love with his boss, ambitious and promiscuous Jensen Ackles. Five years later, reeling from a tragedy that killed three of their friends, they left Texas to build a new life in New York. It’s now 2012, and Jared’s no longer the idealistic intern, he’s got everything he thought he wanted, except nothing seems to be going right: Jensen's business is faltering, their sex life is non-existent and the past won't leave them alone. Still, Jared’s got no intention of giving up on Jensen; he just hopes Jensen feels the same way.” ~Off the Menu* by cherie_morte. 26k. “Jared is an injured kid wandering down the side of the road the first time Jensen meets him. He brings Jared back to Baby's, his father's diner, to help. As they grow up, they become close friends, but just when Jensen is beginning to realize his feelings for Jared may be more than friendly, Jared disappears. Years later, Jared returns to his diner, but he's not alone. Every night, he comes in escorted by a different john, and Jensen quietly aches for the boy he fell in love with.”

Cherie's prose always has heart and sass that sucks you right in. These characters break molds and they don't do the easy, expected things, which gives the deliciously indulgent plot a real sense of believability. Brownie points: hurt/comfort a'plenty, and Jensen's adorable tum.

~On Frost-tipped Feathers* by cleflink. 20k. “Jensen is the Keeper of the Birds for the powerful trade city of Kerak. His life is entirely given over to his duty, until the day he stumbles over a secret hidden deep below the City Palace that has the power to destroy the entire country and will change his life forever. An ice demon.”

Another ReverseBang collaboration with a wonderful writer! Cleflink builds amazing worlds, and this one was no exception. Fantasy-esque, with gods and talking ravens and a gloriously ambiguous morality that is reminiscent of the best fables. And then there are a couple of pretty pictures to look at too, heh!

~QB 'Verse* by pianoforeplay. 230k. Jensen. Jared. Football. Allllll the pining. That's all you've gotta know. Full confession: I skimmed some of the lengthy football scenes, but if you love the sport, the attention to detail will knock your socks off. Great cast of characters, lotsa nail-biting, just a really fantastically crafted series of fics!

~The End is Here* by whispered_story. 14k. “Ever since the virus started spreading and the infected starting roaming the country, Jared has been living on the streets, trying his best to survive. Living in the nearby camp of survivors might be easier, except dealing with people can be more difficult than dealing with infected—especially when one of those people is Jensen. After all, getting involved gives you more to lose.”

I did the art for this ReverseBang entry, and I loved every word that came out of it. It's on the shorter side and an easy read. It's quiet and thoughtful, and the characters are wounded and caring and deliciously complicated. Mild violence, h/c, a few zombies but they're not really a focus. It's all about the relationships! ~This Long Silence by dugindeep. 54k. “Jensen serves as the young sheriff of Morgan Falls, a town in the middle of nowhere that never has much happen. Until the residents start to turn, becoming violent and attacking one another. While trying to manage the chaos, Jensen is concerned with tracking down his neighbor, Jared, who's been hauled out of town with others in the quarantine. As Jensen becomes more desperate, those around him are clueless to his obsession, and he begins to recall how he and Jared became so close. Their sleepy town will never be the same, nor will Jensen and Jared.” (Inspired by The Crazies.)

I love dugindeep's writing, and this was one of many of her fics folks recced to me. Really looking forward to reading this one!

This should get everyone started on their summer reading!

[tube-thoughts-blog]

tube thoughts vol. 7

zero stars - terrible, 1/2 a star - dull, 1 star - folly, 1 1/2 stars - lacking, 2 stars - fair, 2 1/2 stars - decent, 3 stars - terrific

Rifftrax presents "Cool As Ice" --1991-- *Snow aka Justin Bieber gives Bella Swan goosebumps and crotch-rocket road rash.* 3 stars with riffing or running from zero to 1 star without

"Dumb and Dumber To" ---2014--- *Sloppy seconds.* 2 stars

VH1 --sneak peak-- "Suave Says" --2014-- *A "thrilling" inside look into the post music career, current evangelical motivational speaking venture, and wealthy domestic drama of a one hit wonder pop star from wayback in 1991. Gerardo aka Rico Suave.* 1/2 a star

"That's My Boy" (2012) *Topics like underage student and teacher sexual relationships and incest are dealt with maturely by Adam Sandler, Andy Samberg, and Vanilla Ice. Of course not, but this isn't even creatively controversial or riotously raunchy in any remarkable way. It's just another formulaic Adam Sandler movie that hits all the same notes as usual.* either zero stars or 1 star

The Tom Green Show -Rogers Community Tv- -The Comedy Network- (1998) *Bemused, pertubed, fumed. These are just a few of the reactions Tom illicits from anyone not in on the joke.* 2 stars

Are You Afraid of the Dark: The Tale of Laughing in the Dark *"Pick the right door, and you'll go free. Pick the wrong door, and there he'll be." He being a cigar puffing, nightmarish, funhouse clown.* 3 stars

"Housebound" ---2014--- *"An active mind in an inactive environment." The Brits make a superbly spooky mystery with dry and subtle humor.* 3 stars

"Chonda Pierce On Her Soapbox" (1999) *Folksy entertainment variety and jubilee from a real life Peggy Hill.* 1 star

Buckmasters -Young Bucks- "The Misadventures of Bubba" (1992) *Near fatal hunting accidents hilarity with a Jim Varney caricature.* between 1 1/2 and 2 stars

"Dancing Outlaw, Jesco White" (1991) & Jesco Goes to Hollywood (1994) *''Sorrow, hatred, and madness. '' "If you wanna get to heaven, you got to raise a little hell."* Heaven for Jesco is dancing at Elvis' star on the Hollywood walk of fame and guest starring on Roseanne or huffing fumes.*        3 stars

Fargo: The Crocodile's Dilemma *"What's the policy? See, I'm sort of a student of institutions." Billy Bob Thornton can play indifferent malice like no other.* 3 stars

15 Storeys High: The Sofa *Lord Snooty's couch, club card, co-opting of other people's conundrums, and crisis 'cause he can't stand to be cuddled.* between 2 1/2 and 3 stars

12:01 Beyond-- Christmas Special 2014 -------------------------------

*World Friendship Society - Please Just Go (music video)* close to 2 1/2 stars

*Le Passage (movie trailer): More badass than Home Alone and Rambo.*          3 stars

*Lobo for the charity "Socks for Tots" gently used socks for children at Christmas at the North Pole. Lonely odd socks for lonely odd kids.* 2 1/2 stars

*Ninja, the Mission Force: "Clam chowder can only mean a ninja challenge."*     2 1/2 stars

*Lobo argues the Holiday Blues with his potted plant, Ms. Mittens.*         between 2 & 2 1/2 *

*Fleischer Studios - Superman - The Arctic Giant: A kaiju nearly destroys Metropolis and swallows Lois whole.* 3 stars

*Treevenge: sentient x-mas trees turn the tables on crass Christmas celebrations and begin tearing the merry folk to shreds.* 3 stars

*Lobo fills holiday stockings full of leftover Halloween Candy.* 2 1/2 stars

*Lobo meets Ro-Man the Robot Monster from the 1950s B sci fi movie, at the north pole, and suggests he kidnap Santa Claus.* between 2 1/2 and 3 stars

*Reverse Pharmacology: Incredibly hilarious imagined symptoms of a placebo taken by medical test subjects under lab conditions.* close to 3 stars

*Pueblo Sleep Solutions presents 'The Bedtime Bruiser' (commercial)*               2 1/2 stars

*Don't Open Till Christmas (movie): Scotland Yard is on the case of serial slayings of Santas.* between 2 and 2 1/2 stars

*Lobo gets an 8 track player for X Mas* 2 stars

*The Lobo (DC Comics character, not the guy from the 12:01 skits) Paramilitary Christmas Special: The Easter Bunny hires the meanest bounty hunter in the galaxy to hunt down and take out the fat man and his elves.* 3 stars

*Sleigh Runner: The Communist tradition of Christmas is put to an end by a Eastern European Rob Zombie lookalike cowboy killer.* 2 1/2 stars

*Happy Holidays to all the fans of the New Mission Impossible (tv series).*          3 stars

*"This Christmas forget milk and cookies. He wants blood." TWo Front Teeth (low budget movie trailer). The elves in this flick look pretty nightmarish and the characters, especially the black cowboy, look interesting. Interest peaked.* 3 stars

*Republic Pictures Serial -The Crimson Ghost- Chapter 3- The Fatal Sacrifice:  The Crimson Ghost's hideous high wire act.* between 2 1/2 and 3 stars

*The metal band HEMI perform the song Dust to Dust live in a club.*           close to 3 stars

*Neon Harbor presents Space Ninja the animated movie: A cyber dystopia mixed with feudal Japan. technology and swordplay eyecandy-gorgeous must see for me.* 3 stars

*Ro-Man mistakenly beheads Santa for Lobo who claims no responsibility for the death of the mythical character.* 2 1/2 stars

*Action International Home Pictures presents the "Gruesome Holiday shocker." "Elves" starring Grizzly Adams (retro movie trailer)* 3 stars

*Vinegar Syndrome presents on Blu Ray "You Better Watch Out" aka "Christmas Evil": And they've added a beautifully twisted painted portrait of the movie's tragic hero on the box art.* 3 stars

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Tales from the Crypt: The Ventriloquist's Dummy *Pathetic weirdo and hack ventriloquist comedian Bobcat Goldthwait's idol Don Rickles isn't really a retired, bitter legend of ventriloquism. He's actually a prisoner of his own responsibility to keep his beautiful-woman-hating, conjoined twin freak brother from ever killing again.* 3 stars

Freddy's Nightmares: Deadline ----------

*Writing obituaries does seem like the typically morbid Summer job that a Springwood teenager would have.* between 2 1/2 and 3 stars

*Springwood, where suicidal teenagers wish they were dead so that they can be reunited with their ghost bff(s) and douchebag, ponytailed dreamlovers.*      2 stars

---------------------------------------------

Red Shoe Diaries: Safe Sex *A smooth talker brings a sad, vulnerable business professional lady in out of the rain, and she still makes him wear a raincoat in bed. So, so, softcore stories sent in to a personal ad's post office box and then picked up and retold by shadowy anywhere North America David Duchovny character, which is nice trimming for the show, but damn is the sensitive lite soul torch singing background music awful. I prefer a cheesy, solo saxophone over this -Lifetime For Women lyrics- boner killing tripe.* close to 2 1/2 stars

Brian De Palma's "The Black Dahlia" (2006) *I'm a sucker for Los Angeles noir settings, slaughtered pretty girls like Laura Palmer, and conspiracy art like Alan Moore's From Hell.* 2 1/2 stars

Transparent: season 1 -episode 1 *Three self absorbed siblings can't see past themeselves enough to be aware of their father for what he truly is and themselves for what they might actually be. The conservative side of me wants to say that this is more of liberal Hollywood's agenda to undermine traditional America by saying everyone secretly wants and would be happier with an alternative lifestyle. Also, I can't remember the last time I saw so many aesthetically interesting (not exploitive or trying too hard to be sexy) glimpses of comfortable nudity.* 3 stars

Weird Science: Cyrano DeBraniac *"The savage game of sexual attraction" requires all of one's synapses to be firing and it doesn't hurt to have a time and space manipulating genie, who's also sexy, to unzip Einstein's undead brain out of the fourth dimension.*             2 1/2 stars

Thundarr the Barbarian: Den of the Sleeping Demon *A pair of clumsy junior adventurers, and their huge bird friend, help rebury a genetic research monstrosity that was given a high voltage reawakening.*      3 stars

--- Swamp Thing: The Dark Side of the Mirror

*Everyone in this town is so stupid and easily manipulated that Arcane could have probably just walked up to the new determined district attorney, at dinner in a fancy restaurant, and shot him in the head, instead of genetically mutating the musclebound moronic deputy into a Swamp Thing double assassin.

The town formed an extremely enraged mob, in a matter of minutes, and even the longest running protagonist human characteron the show (Jim's mom) is willing to throw her morals aside for blind vengeance.

Thank goodness Jim's brother Will, the new female lead Kari Wuhrer, and Swamp Thing are decent characters.

I'm glad for the upgrade from Jim to Will. Will is a better character and it gives the show more of an adult cast and less of a Timmy fell down the well and needs to be saved, each week, routine.

Still, some of the acting is low quality from the extras.

Feels like they used the stunt man from the fight scenes to do the lines, to save money, when it would have been better to switch him out for a real actor.*

between 1 1/2 and 2 stars

--------------------------------------------------

Paranormal State: season 1 -episode 17 *A wild goose chase for the legendary Mothman. The leader of PRS probably doesn't realize how much he comes off like X Files' Fox Mulder as he keeps repeating the phrase "I want to believe."* between 2 and 2 1/2 stars

Kolchak, the Night Stalker: The Sentry *"Don't linger in the shadows." It will "rile the bile" about lizard-men living deep within the earth where corporations and shadowy government organizations are storing their darkest secrets. The most daring reporter,ever, of tabloid monster mysteries makes his last (documented) stand down there.* 3 stars

"Room 237" (2012) *"The past doesn't exist." But film historians, and fans, are still dissecting the ghost of Stanley Kubrick and the symbolic filmic events surrounding the almost mythical Overlook Hotel.* 3 stars

Lucio Fulci's "Conquest" (1983) *Cro-Magnon man was ruled by a cruel dominatrix / naked lady performance artist / new-age goddess, along with her band of fanatical furries. That is until Ronnie James Dio & Luke Skywalker changed things. Conquest establishes itself apart from other low budget and dumb sword & sorcery flicks, of the early 1980s, with its dreamlike aesthetic and gore-crazy practical special fx.*   between 2 1/2 and 3 stars

"Begotten" (1990) *Imagine a super 8mm National Geographic hallucination of twitching, early 20th century mental patients being tortured and abused in the ruins of a 19th century pastoral southern gothic wasteland lurked over by pre-modern-civilization tribal sacrificial rites that are even more hellish and nightmarish than actual pagan practices predating contemporary times. Black mold on the walls of farmhouses with sun peeled paint and holes in the tin roof where the sound of dripping rain and viscus is constant on rusting metal surfaces that lie just beyond open rock quarries crawled over by lepers, in rags, dragging shaved and mutilated Christ-like figures who spew black stigmata from their weeping eyes and mouths.* 3 stars

Squidbillies: Taint Misbehavin' *A dying Dan Halen requires the citizens of Dougal County to join him in the paradise of the afterlife. Granny and Early get giddy because they mistakenly believe they're going to a resort town in Tennessee, when they're actually heading for the ancient Egyptian land of the dead.* 2 1/2 stars

Workaholics -2015 Season- --preview trailer-- *Some Comedy Central money went into a 2 minute parody of the new Mad Max movie, popular crime tv shows like Sons of Anarchy, strippers, bullet porn fx, and "cool" explosions.* close to 2 1/2 stars (for the misguided effort)

Hannibal: Apéritif *The mongoose meets the cobra.* 3 stars

Jonny Quest: The House of the Seven Gargoyles *An icy fate for an acrobatic dwarf creeping around a castle posing as a gothic statue and trying to choke his unsuspecting victims.* 3 stars

Dr. Who (4th Doctor - Tom Baker): The Android Invasion *A Benedict Arnold astronaut returns from being lost in space, now brainwashed by aliens carrying a shipment of human replicants and a deadly virus.* 3 stars

Farscape: Jeremiah Crichton *Crichton becomes a castaway on green planet inhabited by a tribal, and somewhat peaceful people, although there is some jealousy when the daughter of the chief becomes smitten with Crichton. After spending part of a cycle looking for Crichton, Rigel and Dargo find him all scruffy and weather beaten. In a Return of the Jedi C3PO twist, Rigel is the tribe's prophesized messiah and the three must save these exiled, forced by forcefield to be primitive people, or else be sacrificed themselves due to stupid politics and a conspiracy of priestly hierarchy.* 3 stars

Bob & Margaret: For Pete's Sake *Bob's brother is a pretentious tv chef, and when he gets a gig in India, Bob and Margaret have to look after his two annoying brats.* 3 stars

Are You Afraid of the Dark: The Tale of the Dark Music *The power to control demonic forces, living in the root cellar, lies in the sounds on the radio. A tired of being picked on paperboy uses this knowledge to payback the scummy metal-head bully next door and his mean, little sister.*       3 stars

"The Initiation of Sarah" (1978) *This feels like a hazy 70s tv movie version of Carrie the college years. Two sisters pledge and go through the occult like Greek sorrority ceremonies. The good looking one gets picked by Morgan Fairchild's meangirl sisters and has to be cruel to the other. The timid one has her telepathic powers exploited by a witch wannabe Shelly Winters in the rival plain Jane house complete with a maze backyard.* between 2 1/2 & 3 stars

---Thrashin'--- (1987) *Square jawed Josh Brolin is too straight laced to be taken seriously by skatepunks in the 80s L.A. skatescene. The leader of a gang of Lost Boys also wants Brolin to stay away from his out of town and just visiting, Idaho pretty tomato younger sister. It hits all the right notes for an 80s extreme sports fun adventure flick.* 2 1/2 stars

Tales from the Crypt: Fitting Punishment *A cheapskate ghetto mortician is willing to cut corners no matter the cost to human decency. He embalms using dirty tap water. He buys cheap coffins from China. He clips out the gold and silver teeth of the deceased. He even blames his orphaned nephew for being a financial burden and cripples him, then sells his Air Jordans to pay medical expenses. When that's not enough, he murders him and saws him a foot shorter above the ankles so that he can stuff the boy into a cheap coffin for Chinamen.* 3 stars

Hill Street Blues: Film At Eleven *Llama stolen from the zoo and almost used in a slumland apartment voodoo ceremony. Cops style film crew documenting the precinct. Herman Dracula, alledged wannabe vampire. It's funny until he commits suicide in his private cell. Ballistics confirms that they've found the handgun used in the near fatal shooting of officers Renko & Hill. Relief comes with uncertainty. It's raining in the police station, the roof is leaking and everyone is getting the flu because of it. This show can't help but end on a melancholy note due to all the lingering emotions. Rollercoaster, as usual.* 3 stars

Tru Tv- --South Beach Tow-- --Bernice's Top 20-- *"Best of" countdown of fake reality show beatdowns by an angry black woman?* 1 star

Botched: Vagina Bomb! *The same network (E!) that encourages viewers to idolize trainwreck celebrities and their fake bodies, also exploits sick individuals who've butchered their own bodies in order to achieve that phony Hollywood dream. Of course this show is under the guise of "fixing" plastic surgery mistakes, but the client/patient usually receives even more body enhancements and still looks like a nightmare.* either zero stars or 2 stars

True Detective: The Long Bright Dark *Heathen homicide in a hick shit-haven where if one doesn't parrot the standard beliefs of others, and oddly speaks in a stream of consciousness like Cormac McCarthy, then one's peers tilt their heads and cock their ears like a confused dog in misunderstanding and disbelief.* 3 stars

---- New Year's Movie Marathon ---------------------------------

Monstervision with Joe Bob Briggs: Time Runner (1992) *Spoilers, for The Force Awakens, ahead. Be Warned. Years after Return of the Jedi, Luke is having a midlife crisis and skynet is using star destroyers to blow up Los Angeles. So he travels back in time to the Washington Canadian border getting in ugly rental car chases with human looking alien Rae Dawn Chong and gunning down well armed baddies, along side the goofy deputy from Twin Peaks, & watching  their hilarious death throes. All while making sure Senator Palpatine can't prevent Seth Rogen and James Franco from nuking North Korea thirty years in the future. Make sense?* between 1 1/2 and 2 stars

Mystery Science Theater 3000: 12 To The Moon                      ---plus---                       "Dream to Design" -short- *The woman of the future visits the satellite of love and turns the robots crow and tom servo into kitschy househould appliances. meanwhile, the united nations of nasa proves earth's worthiness to the lunar neighbors.*                     2 1/2 stars with riffing and between 1 1/2 and 2 stars without

Terry Gilliam's "Brazil" *A depressed Da Vinci with his wings clipped by the dulled scissors that society can no longer cut all the red tape with.* 3 stars

Fritz Lang's "Metropolis" *In my life of relative ease, I watch this movie on my cheap consumer electronics provided for me by workers in horrible third world conditions.*           3 stars

"Starry Eyes" (2014) *Ambition. Attrition. Ascension. All the way from Hooters Girl who can't get taken seriously at low-grade movie auditions to transforming into a Hollywood harlot comes at the price of one's soul taken by the Satanists who run the movie industry and helped sanctified with blood and betraying those closest also climbing the ladder.* close to 3 stars

"Messiah of Evil" (1973) *What if, after Thanksgiving, America honored the Donner Party Massacre by having Black Friday be masses of mad people tearing into raw red meat at supermarkets? This flick is like the eerie calm before an apocalypse. Too weird, almost, to describe, and if one tried to, a bug would appear on their tongue and they would cough up insects and lizards.* 3 stars

"Strange Days" (1995) *"Memories were meant to be forgotten. They were designed that way." Let old acquaintance as well. 20 year old predictions about the new century, by James Cameron, are still pretty relevant. Questions about the abuse of police force. Urban upheaval and riots. Voyeurism being a social media (though it's not as seedy as it's imagined in this movie).Things James Cameron got a little off are plenty too. Musicians stopped being, for the most part, political messengers. Trainwreck skank rock queens like Courtney Love aren't nearly as talented as James thinks or as worth going through hell over, but they're still a huge part of the media's obsession. Found footage and virtual reality may just be entertainment fantasy, but the themes in this movie are played out daily on actual viral videos.* between 2 1/2 and 3 stars

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Max Headroom: Academy *What if corporations had their own legal systems? What if a death penalty trial was turned into a tv game show? Viewers of the HLN network sort of get to experience this. What if criminal profiles were assigned to innocent people who fit a certain stereotype? Wait a minute....* 3 stars

Joe R. Lansdale's "Cold In July" (2014) *A considerate and well adjusted family man has to stand his ground, on shaky legs, but isn't in the overzealous camp of his hometown neighbors who wanna pat him on the back for it. He never feels right about the incident and his remorse pulls him into a world of Dixie mafia killings, Texas Mexico border crime, and a friendship with a flamboyant and dogged private detective and the deeply burdened man who mistakenly stalked the family man's family when he was wrongly convinced the family man slayed his son in the stand your ground incident. In a bizarre twist, the three men come together to help the deeply burdened man solve his burden of putting down his wayward son who's making snuff films with hookers. It reminds me a lot of William Devane's "Rolling Thunder," another revenge flick with a lot of bitter sorrow and dark themes.*      3 stars

The Tom Green Show -Rogers Community Tv- --The Comedy Network-- (1998) *Tom is an absurdist comedian who can sometimes be traditionally clever in his humor. He drinks purple koolaid with a cult who worship an alien version of Jesus Christ's brother, he ruins an Elvis impersonator street performance and almost gets his ass kicked for it, and he continues to try to prove he's the biggest idiot in the room.* close to 2 1/2 stars

The Prisoner: The Schizoid Man *The Village have number 6 convinced he's twice the man he was using an uncanny double.* 3 stars

Game of Thrones: season 3 episode 7 *"People work together when it suits them, they're loyal when it suits 'em, they love when it suits 'em, and they kill when it suits them."* 3 stars

"Under the Skin" (2013) *Scarlet Joe Handsome is an enticing alien, in a black wig and brightly painted lips, driving around Scotland, in a pedo van, indifferently observing all the quiet, everyday human suffering and luring horny, confused men back to her abandoned building / nest / spaceship(?) --where they step sinking into a surreal black pool of liquid.* either 1/2 a star or 2 stars

American Horror Story- -Coven -The Replacements *Sober Santeria. What other show is going to have a pothead, white trash mom molest her patchwork monster, back from the morgue, college boy son? or let a juicy and morbidly obese black virgin finger herself in front of a minotaur? not many spring to mind.* 3 stars

Gargoyles: The Edge *Zanatos uses the steel clan and a Tony Stark type tech gargoyle suit to frame the real gargoyles for the museum heist of 'the eye of Odin,' in order to have the cops chasing them all around town and scare them into coming back under the wings of his 'protection,' which would have the gargoyles inprisoned in a research lab.* 3 stars

Rifftrax - Total Riff Off - Man vs. Monster *"Meeting the channel's factual quota, we now return to the bullshit." Rifftrax skewers another one of those pretentious explorer douchebags, from National Geographic Wild,  that are always trying to turn a simple creature of nature into a tall tale monster.* 3 stars with riffing 1 star without

Son of the Beach: With Sex You Get Eggroll *satire of sex slaves and sex jokes, both smartly done.* 3 stars

Carman -Yo Kidz! -The Vidz *Gnarly Jesus dudes, hip musical kids, and cumbersome cat costumes.* 1 star

Morton Downey Jr.: Cults *A man who once had a cult-like tv audience examines mind control organizations and self-help pseudo-religions.* close to 3 stars

Mel Brooks in "High Anxiety" *Side-splitting neuroses.* 3 stars

Tales from the Crypt: Korman's Kalamity *A cartoonist's monstrous creations come to life after years of nagging from an abusive spouse and his recent forced use of an experiment male potency medication.*  2 1/2 stars

"Al-TV" -April Fools Day 1984 *"I could just watch videos all day until my brain turned to mush. Couldn't you?" Weird Al takes over MTV from its bland video disc jockeys and turns the channel into the absurdity it should be.* 3 stars

"Traxx" (1998) *"Be good, be gone, or be dead." Shadoe Stevens is one tough cookie as he parodies every 80s action hero vigilante and western cowboy cliche come to clean up a Troma version of a Texas town in one of the weirdest, left field comedies ever.* 3 stars

Hippies: Protesting Hippies *Simon Pegg tries to spark a Y2K revival of the comedic rebelliousness of The Young Ones with a Britcom That 60s Show.* between 2 1/2 and 3 stars

Northern Exposure: Pilot Episode *A "Jew, New York doctor" finds unspoiled land, wildlife, hell... even people (patients) "just waiting to be fondled" in middle-of-nowhere, Alaska.* 3 stars

X Files: Space *Otherworldy phantom sabotaging shuttle missions. A study on how stifled and subdued the space program has become.* 2 1/2 stars

"Freaks, Nerds, and Weirdos" -MTV (1994) *MTV NEWS looks at Generation X's social outcasts like nerdy hipster college kids, quirky celebrities, and alternative musicians and they talk about their struggles with being different from "the norm." Ironically, the show is framed with commercials featuring beautiful skin care and fashion model young people bragging about how great it is to be one of the in group of the beautiful ones.* 2 1/2 stars

"The Myth of the American Sleepover" (2010) *The last bittersweet days of Summer and the pre-conceived notion of sublimity for a group of suburban teenagers. Indie movies about the adolescent rite of passage to adulthood aren't as fun as exploitation flicks about the same thing, but the delicate and thoughtful manner in which the subject matter is approached allows for more personal reflection for the viewer.* close to 3 stars

Turner Classic Movies: Beneath the Planet of the Apes *Twice as bleak of an ending as the first.* 3 stars

--- "Bates Motel" (1987)

*After spending his youth in the looney bin with Norman Bates as his father figure, Bud Court (Harold & Maude), and a great casting choice, inherits the Bates Motel from the deceased Norman whom he carries around in an urn afterwards.

With the help of a spunky squatter (Lori Petty) and a Morgan Freeman esque handyman, he reopens the falling apart eyesore and deals with the rumors of the place being haunted and the fast moving yuppies of the 80s who wanna exploit the property to keep with the changing and advancing landscape of the times.

Tonally a weird mixture of maudlin and mockingly humorous. Whoda thunk they could take a legacy of a Hitchcock suspense thriller and throw in one those feel good fixing up the place montages, a Happy Days 1950s teen ghosts dance party with a dreamlover angel Jason Bateman, and Scooby Doo villain plot twist?*

either 1 star or close to 2 1/2 stars

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"An Evening With Bobcat Goldthwait, Share The Warmth" (1987) *Bobcat chugs two six-packs of TAB and then proceeds to frighten uncomfortable laughter out of a group of yuppies in a nightclub.* 2 1/2 stars

"Beyond Vaudeville" (1986-90s) *Best of a weird NYC public access variety show with guests and acts like Grandpa Munster, Tiny Tim, "the Edith Bunker of massage," climbing Harpo's ladder with Wavy Gravy, Burt Reynold's fantasy Turkish woman (possible delusional stalker), Greg Brady, the arm and the giant from Twin Peaks, the theme from the Flying Nun on spoons, Rock Around the Clock in Yiddish, an Underdog / Dracula enthusiast / interpretive dancer, and many other pathetic bizarre folk. Sammy Davis who?* 3 stars

Morton Downey Jr.: Central Park Squatters *A heated shouting match between freaks and fascists over the issue of gentrification.* 3 stars

"Scoundrels" (1982) a Cecil Howard adult film *"Life's too fucking short." Ron Jeremy is the long dick, long suffering dad, just like Kevin Spacey, in a sexually frustrated slice of American Pie.* 3 stars

American Horror Story -Murder House- "Rubber Man" *"What is it about being dead that makes me so horny?" Hysterical lady troubles.* close to 3 stars

"The Guest" (2014) *A psychotic super-soldier gone awol and come to roost with the troubled family of a fallen comrade. Pulses like an homage to 80s action movies in the vein of John Carpenter.* between 2 1/2 and 3 stars

Justified: season 1 episode 1 *Bluegrass Helter Skelter.* 3 stars

Chrisley Knows Best: The Great Outdoors *Chrisley reluctantly takes his sons camping at the lake, while wishing he were more like his hero Oprah and scaring his 8 year old with the legend of Jason Vorhees.* 2 stars

Comic Book Men: Ghostbusting at the Stash *Sitting around ye ole podcast table and sharing spooky stories about things like the Jersey Devil.* 1 star

"The White Buffalo" (1977) *Charging out of Hell and into Heaven were men like Wild Bill, Crazy Horse, and Charles Bronson.* 3 stars

Kung Fu, the series: Dark Angel *Words lost, eyes blinded, and riches not found, but, at the same time, roots replanted, senses regained, and faith restored.* 3 stars

Mystery Science Theater 3000: Invasion U.S.A. (feature) & A Date with the Family (short) *Rigid dinners with loved ones, or heavy drinking with a group of barflies, is a great opportunity to discuss how every American should do more in their part to combat the Red Menace.* 3 stars with riffing 1 star without

"My Mom's A Werewolf" (1988) *An underappreciated housewife goes to the pet store to get a flea collar for the family dog, and winds up having the mom jeans charmed off of her, and replaced with fur, by a hair-piece wearing lycanthrope (John Saxon).*                2 1/2 stars

Freddy's Nightmares: Black Tickets ------------------

*A young Brad Pitt runs over himself running into himself running away from his problems.* 2 stars

*Having a baby is hellish, even if Brad Pitt is the daddy.*                           between 1 1/2 and 2 stars

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USA Up All Night -with host Rhonda Shear -Valentine's Special -----------------

*Lovers Lovers (feature movie): Neurotic & horny 30 something year old professionals in the city of Angels. It's like a softcore version of Seinfeld.*          2 stars

*Starburst California Raisins style commercial where the Starburst candies get taken to the bad side of town called Twisted Town.* 2 1/2 stars

*The Girls of Paradise (phone sex commercial): 3 stars

*Rhonda hangs out in the honeymoon suite with a amorous bell boy who has chest hairs a plenty.* 3 stars

*Twix commercial parodies the plane crash movie "Alive" in a funny scenario where one guy tricks the other into thinking they're being rescued so that he can have both Twix candy bars to himself.* 3 stars

*Rhonda tries to get a honeymooning and arguing couple's bride out of her hotel room bathroom.* 2 1/2 stars

*Free brochure for TV Parental Ratings guidelines* 3 stars

*"Mel" (taking his name from a PayDay caramel candy bar wrapper) calls up a phone sex hotline to talk to the horny chick about covering her in peanuts and creamy caramel in a funny PayDay commercial.* 3 stars

*"Every day people like me and you are proving why the 'Psychic Solution' is so popular." Obvious payed employees of this phone scam network give false testimonials about their amazing experiences talking to phone psychics.*    either zero or 3 stars

*"Imagine being forced to make love. Now, imagine thousands will die if you dont. Will she? Won't she? Or will she just kick some ass?!" La Femme Nikita preview for an upcoming 1997 episode. Haha.* 3 stars

*Rhonda coaches sweet talk to a dumb husband who gets all her amorous advice lines all wrong.* 3 stars

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Weird Science: Magnifico Dad *Mom gets her birthday wish for dad to turn into male supermodel hunk Fabio.* 3 stars

Son of the Beach: Silence of the Clams *"The beach is meant for solitude, not senseless orgying. Cancel Spring Break or else."* 3 stars

Thundarr, the Barbarian: Fortress of Fear *A many eyed wizard wants Ariel as his bride.* 3 stars

Swamp Thing: Silent Screams *"Eye of the hurricane, listen to yourself turn. World serves its own needs, Dummy, serve your own needs." Arcane is selling eco-terrorism to the highest bidder. First in line to be served, shadowy agents of the U.S. government, and they're willing to sacrifice a small, swamp town to test the effectiveness.* between 2 1/2 and 3 stars

Jonny Quest: The Invisible Monster *Turn off the life light, don't let it shine or else be taken in by the hungering Pac-Man esque ghost of an animated mass of energy. Look out, because it's a one-eyed, giant, purple, people-eater.* 3 stars

Are You Afraid of the Dark: The Tale of the Super Specs *Do "They Live" or is it just an April Fool's Day trick of the mind thanks to a phony trick gifts shop's surprisingly effective super specs glasses?*             close to 3 stars

Friday the 13th, the series: Shadow Boxer *A bum fighter uses cursed gloves to separate his dark side from his body and sends the shadow out to stick it to his opponents.* 3 stars

Paranormal State: season 1 episode 18 *Penn State freshman lions turn themselves into fraidy cats with the passing around of campus legends and the playing of an ancient Japanese ghost story game called '100 Candles.'* 2 stars

Penny Dreadful: season 1 episode 1 *For a moment, I thought Frankenstein and his monster were going to passionately kiss on the mouth. It was weird.* close to 2 1/2 stars

Stephen King's Kingdom Hospital: season 1 episode 6 *"He eats disease. He likes to be scratched behind the ears. He's horrible, beautiful." 3 stars

The Outer Limits: If These Walls Could Talk *CGI Ryan Reynolds. He's not Green Lantern. He's possibly a 'Casper' or at the very least a molecular anomaly. His mom can't let go of the mystery around his disappearance and his frequenting of a so-called haunted house. She's a paranormal believer. She swears she hears him crying out in the haunted house. She befriends a pyschic phenomena debunker. They get drunk, share their hearbreak over the afterlife or lack thereof. They stir up spirits or at least a cold case crime scene. They  learn about the mystery behind a previous owner who was a reclusive scientist and find his hidden room complete with strange meteor. It ends with them covered in ectoplasmic goo.* 2 1/2 stars

"Father Guido Sarducci Goes to College" (1985) *Vatican City versus Disneyland.* 2 1/2 stars

Tales from the Crypt: Mute Witness to Murder *Some enchanted evening, you may meet a stranger. And some enchanted evening, you may witness a brutal murder. That enchanted evening may damage the psyche.* 3 stars

Red Shoe Diaries: Double Dare *Necessity is the mother of virtue. A business professional lady needs the thrill of an erotic game of show and tell via fax machine dirty messages and flashes of bare flesh across facing office building windows with a sexy stranger, but she can't take it to the next step and cheat on her husband in person.* 2 1/2 stars

"Computer Beach Party" *Weirdly played, and ridiculously overdubbed, dorky sex comedy that maybe comes close to deserving cult status.* between 1 1/2 and 2 stars

Total Riff Off: Animals Behaving Badly *Horny deer. Smoking ape. Rascally raccoon. Pooping cheetah. Shoe humping tortoise. Horny dolphin. Indian woman breastfeeding a calf. Chicago city coyote. rat infanticide, and the classic panda attacking jacket guy.* 3 stars with riffing between 2 and 2 1/2 stars without

"RoadRacers" (1994) a Robert Rodriguez film *David Arquette as a scumbag greaser, James Dean wannabe with Salma Hayek as his main squeeze. Sounds unconvincing, but somehow they pull it off. Also, great tunes from the era of rockabilly, decent villains like the town asshole cop William Sadler, and Deadwood's Saul Starr as the sci fi and sinful thrills obsessed sidekick.*  2 1/2 stars

Richard Linklater's "Boyhood" (2014) *Maybe the best ever use of scripted reality in dramatic entertainment. Following two siblings for over a decade as we watch them grow and deal with their movie parents a psychology student-into-teacher mother (Patricia Arquette) and their sometimes deadbeat other times often extremely caring and liberal-slacker poet papa (Ethan Hawke), along with step siblings, abusive drunk stepfathers, plus all the growing pains and life steps that happen along the way to young adulthood.* 3 stars (for achievement in the portayal of life) or zero stars (for every character being so unlikeable)

--Starz-- --The Missing: episode 1 *A wrenching, quiet, and moody look at the frantic hours around parents dealing with the disappearance of a child and how the effects of that trauma are still haunting them, and others involved with the memory, years later.*         3 stars

American Gothic: Damned If You Don't *Dang ole' tornado of the soul.* 3 stars

"Din of Celestial Birds" (2006) *inherent iniquities* 2 1/2 stars

True Detective: Seeing Things *Pussy, fantasy, illusion, delusion, hallucination, justification, nightmare, and revelation.* 3 stars

X Files: Fallen Angel *Toxic cover up and lies with an official seal.* 2 1/2 stars

"Night Dreams" (1981) xxx *Bound by wild desire, Dorothy LeMay fell into a ring of fire.* 3 stars

--- MTV's True Life: I'm Preparing for the End of the World

*An obese, and (from how he's presented on this docu show) low i.q. suffering, young  father moves his pregnant wife, two young boys, and yummy pet rabbits & chickens to an isolated farm in the mountains.

There he rambles about doomsday scenarios and his family assists in setting up booby traps that are more dangerous to themselves than anyone else.

My advice is to lay off the extra bunny, at dinner, and to not homeschool the kids about the proper way to filter goat piss into a drinkable water alternative, but instead to exercise as a family and to get out in society and work towards not ending up with an apocalypse.

Next, we have two priviledged college twins who are so quirky and idiotic that they jokingly form a two person cult where they bother college campus students and the city's homeless population with their pretend rhetoric.

Low point being when they claim to be getting prepared to raise their consciousness beyond the normal soulless zombie, just before tossing a twenty dollar bill into the air for a group of hungry homeless and junkies to wrestle over.*

1 star

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Morton Downey Jr.: Feminism *Mort and feminist lawyer Gloria Allred go toe to toe and almost mouth to mouth with the sexual tension between them (just kidding).* close to 3 stars

Tales from the Crypt: Television Terror *A t.v. station scores big ratings, when Morton Downey Jr. is murdered, live on the air, while investigating a haunted house.* 3 stars

"Too Young To Die?" (1990) *A trailer trash teen runaway (Juliette Lewis) gets the death penalty for the murder of her soldier guy former lover, thanks to her hick pimp/pusher (Brad Pitt).*  2 1/2 stars

American Horror Story -Asylum- "The Coat Hanger" *Forgiving trespasses. Ian McShane almost seems too good for any show after his iconic role in Deadwood, but he finds one here as a blackly humorous and blasphemous sinner/killer in a setting that keeps getting more depraved and strange. Bucket of KFC chicken and skinning victims alive killer mixed piece joke. Priest drowning at a baptism. Priest crucifiction. The dirty history of pre legalized abortions. Cruel head nun gets on the other end of looney torture. A Nazi butcher / mad scientist seeking aliens because he appreciates their eugenic techniques and getting sent his own Mary with a possible alien seed in her belly.* 3 stars

Hannibal: Amuse-Bouche *"It takes one to know one." A human fungus wants understanding.* 3 stars

Bob and Margaret: Friends for Dinner *"Another domestic dilemma." Bob and Margaret continue to define themselves different from their rude peers, while still retaining a flawed quality that makes them so relatable to the average person.* close to 3 stars

15 Storeys High: The Model *"If she learns to swim, next thing she'll want to learn to drive." A nutter doesn't want his nude centerfold wife to take swimming lessons. Olives on pizza distaste, and a compulsion to pull any wallpaper off the wall -weirdness. Also, the swimming lessons oath includes everyone but practioners of karate and the pop star Sting.* 3 stars

Hippies: Hairy Hippies *The animals of Aquarius are gonna tear your prick off.* 3 stars

Farscape: Durka Returns *"The difference between a knife attack and life saving surgery." The outer space adjustment bureau can turn anyone they want into an attitude corrected slave.* 3 stars

Max Headroom: Deities *When it comes to matters of the spirit, people often forget what it means being human.* between 2 1/2 and 3 stars

Are You Afraid of the Dark?: The Tale of the Captured Souls *Sometime in the early 90s, the Obamas and their daughter nearly had the life sucked out of them by a mirror-spy-tech mad-science-geezer posing as an ole timey tween boy with a ridiculous hairstyle that was almost as bad as Obama's soul glow mullet of the time.* between 1 1/2 and 2 stars

American Horror Story --Coven-- "Fearful Pranks Ensue" *supreme sacrifice* close to 3 stars

Red Shoe Diaries: You Have The Right To Remain Silent *A lady cop kidnaps and forces herself on a strong willed guy who won't show her any attention at the gym. I would have laughed if it were a case of her not having any gay-dar.* close to 2 1/2 stars and 1 1/2 a stars for the safe sex sales pitch

Hill Street Blues: Choice Cut *supermarket standoff with a side of beef.* 2 1/2 stars

Fargo: The Rooster Prince *"Savagery, pure and simple."* 3 stars

American Horror Story: Freakshow "Orphans" *The most sympathetic character on the show, Pepper, has a continuation of maybe the most tragic character arc of any character in all of American Horror Story, with a cameo from a character from Asylum.* close to 3 stars

MTV's "Eye Candy" extended peak *Disney channel(?) teen pop idol and now hacker (rolls eyes) in a serial killer stalker show with MTV style "edgy" (crap) aesthetics. The psycho stuffing smartphones in the mouths of victims is unintentionally ludicrous and laughable.* 1 1/2 stars

"Living With Michael Jackson" *"We would wake at dawn and go up in the hot air balloon. I have the footage. It's all very charming and innocent. That's ignorant. Who's the Jack the Ripper in the Room?" Was it exploitive journalist Martin Bashir or delusional Peter Pan wannabe Jacko?* either 3 stars or zero stars

Prime Time Thursday -ABC- Martin Bashir on his Michael Jackson documentary (2003?) *ABC gets a few more nasty kicks in to the wounded weirdo.* 2 stars

The Michael Jackson Interview, The Footage You Were Never Meant To See *--FOX--* (2003)

*"Becareful what you do, because the lie becomes the truth."

Maury Povich pauses from hosting & revealing ghetto / white trash paternity tests to take an investigative behind the scenes footage look at the Martin Bashir documentary on MJ.

An almost propaganda piece trying to repair Jackson's image and justify his strange behavior, but it does shine a light on the deceitful approach of Bashir's manipulative tactics in getting close to Jackson via gaining his trust with comments approving of Michael's generosity and attitudes towards children and Michael's personal life in other ways, and then turning  around and only showing the most sensational things in his "Living With Michael Jackson" documentary.*

2 1/2 stars

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The Greatest American Hero: pilot episode "UFO Encounter" *The teachers of troubled teens, those are the real heroes. This show has great music, and I don't just mean the cheesy wonderful theme song.* 3 stars

Mystery Science Theater 3000: I Accuse My Parents (feature) & The Truck Farmer (short) *Cultivate, refrigerate, exaggerate, denigrate.* 2 1/2 stars with riffing 2 stars without

Son of the Beach: In The G-Hetto *"Read my lips, I'm going down there and I'm going to lick your posse, and I'm going to enjoy it."* 2 1/2 stars

Black Sails: season 1 episode 1 *Blackbeard's snatch. Captain Flint's fluoride smile. Long John Silver's sexy good looks. I doubt these third world bandits were really this stylized.*               2 1/2 stars

Fred Olen Ray's "Hollywood Chainsaw Hookers" (1988) *Heaven for guys who like big tits and Hell for guys who don't like to be chopped into little bits.* 3 stars

Hollywood Hillbillies: Headin' For Hollywood *Another internet infamous sensation extends he and his grandmother's 15 minutes of fame by acting as crass and crazy as possible for the reality tv cameras.* 1 star

TLC presents My Husband's Not Gay *These Latter Day Saint women believe that they have it made, because, with another woman, their husband would never stray. I wonder if the LGBT community would stand up for the rights of the "same sex attracted" who don't act on it for religious reasons, or if... ha... of coure not.* either zero                   or 2 1/2 stars

"Monster" (2003) *A look at someone, on the fringes of life, whose feral impulses sadly couldn't be justified even though she endured a life of inhuman treatment.* 3 stars

Viper: Pilot Movie *Not just a tv show promoting a crime fighting futuristic Dodge motor company concept car, maybe also a question of whether giving career criminals a clean slate of memory is violating their civil rights or not.* between 2 and 2 1/2 stars

"Midnight Plowboy" xxx (1971) *Welcome To The Jungle as performed by Going To The Country's Canned Heat.* 2 stars

Woops!: pilot episode (1992) *99.999999% of the world's population has died in a fiery hot flash, but a few quirky yuppies survive to yuck it up on a small farm. Cue the laugh track.*        2 stars

X Files: Eve *bloodthirsty replicas* 3 stars

"Nomads" (1986) *Searching too deep beneath the surface of reality, a cultural archaeologist starts being stalked by a skid row spirit-tribe.* close to 3 stars

Manimal: Manimal *Transmutation is not for the faint or feint of heart.* 2 1/2 stars

---- "Tusk" a Kevin Smith film (2014)

*20th century man spent his time doing amazing things, and had tales to tell later.

21st century man spends most of his time talking about ridiculous things.

This time 21st century man accomplishes one of those ridiculous things.

How to go about summing up something like this...

3 stars for the crazy screenplay.

3 stars for the incredible walrus special fx by Robert Kurtzman.

3 stars for Michael Parks' truly demented serial killer / world's most interesting man character.

2 stars for Haley Joel Osment's nerdy twenty something podcast comedy partner.

almost 2 1/2 stars for Justin Long's obnoxious and self absorbed hipster mustached podcast comedian.

3 stars for Justin Long's suffering through hell tortured and experimented on in the most gruesome way possible walrus-man.

1 1/2 stars for all the podcast nonsense.

either zero stars or 3 stars for Johnny Depp's Mike Myers esque eccentric inspector character.

and to finish out the whole whacked out affair, either 1 star or 3 stars for the absurd ending.*

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Wizards and Warriors: The Unicorn of Death *Mind over matter. Also, lightning hawks, hawks that shoot lightning.* 3 stars

"Don't Be A Menace To South Central While Drinking Your Juice In The Hood" *"One fish two fish red fish blue fish, knick knack paddywhack give a dog a bone, Two thousand zero zero party over oops out of time, my bacon's smelling fine." The Wayans, just off of In Living Color and a handful of blackspoitation movies, take on Boyz in the Hood & Friday with their brand of satire that hadn't quite soured just yet like it would with the Scary Movie series. Somewhat not bad, nowhere as good as say an episode of Chapelle Show, but almost on the level of something like Comedy Central's Key & Peele.* 2 stars                      plus 3 stars for Bernie Mac's cameo speech

Freddy's Nightmares: School Daze ----------

*No more homework, no more books, no more teachers' dirty looks. Just robotic students.* close to 2 1/2 stars

*Standard Achievement Torture.* 2 1/2 stars

-------------------------------------

"Ben and Arthur" (2002) *I'm sure that everyone involved with this shot-on-video "movie" had their big, gay hearts in the right place, but the results are so oddly misguided that it cursed the gay rights movement and set queer equality back at least a decade.* 1 star

Tales From The Crypt: My Brother's Keeper *Two guys attached at the ass-cheek, now that's freaks. And it's definitely a wild half of the siamese situation if Timothy Stack is the straight laced one.* between 2 1/2 and 3 stars

Cannon Video: Fifty Fifty (1993) *A couple of "in it for the money" mercenaries find a change of heart and purpose, when they're sold out by the U.S. government after initially being hired to train a  ragtag group of villagers to overthrow a cruel dictator.*                 close to 3 stars

Jonny Quest: Double Danger *monkeying around with hallucinagens* 3 stars

Mystery Science Theater 3000:  Operation Double 007 *"Terrorists were a lot more fun back then." Thankfully, Sean Connery's brother, Neil, also didn't try to rip off Highlander 2 or Zardoz.* 3 stars with riffing 2 1/2 stars without

The Prisoner: The General *Blind memorization is a learn-ed way for a slave to show its appreciation to its masters.* 3 stars

Paranormal State: season 1 episode 19 *"Balancing faith and science" as the lead investigator questions whether or not he should debunk a crazy lady's haunting experiences.*                           between 2 and 2 1/2 stars

Swamp Thing: Walk A Mile In My Shoots *Arcane and Swamp Thing trade places.* between 2 1/2 and 3 stars

American Horror Story: Coven "Burn, Witch, Burn" *Ask me no questions and I'll tell thee no lie. Mama's little baby love shortenin'. Fry fry fry. Febreeze will get the odors out of any room where dead things lie.*   3 stars

American Gothic: Dead to the World *Denial ain't just a river in Bum-Fuck, Egypt.* close to 3 stars

Justified: season 1 episode 2 *Rhythm, romancin', runnin', and rippin' up the floorboards.* 3 stars

"The Census Taker" (1984) *"An outrageous invasion of privacy."* 3 stars

Hannibal: Potage *Manipulation in Maryland, Minnesota, and the media.* 3 stars

X Files: Fire *amorous arsonist* 2 1/2 stars

12 Monkeys: Pilot episode *Hourglasses of the hydra.* 2 1/2 stars

"The Thirteenth Floor" (1999) *"Hate to see that evening sun go down." Digital virtual deja-vu.* 3 stars

The Outer Limits: Birthright *Senator Al Gore is all about shooting up with supplements and saving the environment by saturating it with methane for his alien race to take over and inhabit.* between 2 1/2 and 3 stars

Northern Exposure: Brains, Know How and Native Intelligence *singing the body electric and fixing the plumbing.* 3 stars

Son of the Beach: Love, Native American Style *firebush and big hose* 2 1/2 stars

Thundarr, the Barbarian: Island of the Body Snatchers *Ariel almost loses her mind and her body in the mystery zone.* 3 stars

Are You Afraid of the Dark?: The Tale of the Twisted Claw *Wish in one hand, let a vulture shit in the other.* between 2 and 2 1/2 stars

Mystery Science Theater 3000: Eegah! *RRRR! Richard Kiel is really big and really lonely and he wants to rape a gal named Roxy. It's like King Kong set in a resort desert town where a Ricky Nelson reject is constantly rocking out.* 3 stars with riffing 2 without

Weird Science: The Feminine Mistake *The guys get turned into chicks and experience what the other sex has to go through with horny guys like themselves.* 3 stars

Jack London's "Call of the Wild" starring Charlton Heston & featuring "Buck" the dog *Buck worth more than all the gold in the Klondike.* 3 stars

"Ax Giant" *"All strut and no gut." Paul Bunyan puts a cgi sawblade through Grizzly Adams' bear-sized head for eating his blue ox named Babe.* 2 stars

MLK Day Tribute ---------------

Morton Downey Jr.: Racism with Dr. Charles King (2 appearances on the show) *One of the last ballsy, crazy, and passionately confused conversations about race conducted by the media before political correctness closed the door.* either zero or 3 stars

---------------------------------------------

Abel Ferarra's "King of New York" (1990) *Max Shreck, magnanimous and soulful.* between 2 1/2 and 3 stars

X Files: Beyond the Sea *Serial killer -Brad Dourif- claims to channel the beyond and a grieving Scully's recently deceased dad. but is he just a coward staying execution?* 3 stars

Lucio Fulci's "The New York Ripper" *quacking misogyny* 3 stars

Red Shoe Diaries: Talk To Me Baby *"You gonna believe your eyes or are you gonna believe me?" Shared feelings and Samson-haired Bud "tries" to be less of a horndog for other women, but he's only a man afterall and after a night at the bar watching a wet t-shirt contest. If his hot foreign accent nympho girlfriend don't forgive him and talk, he's gonna flip his muscle car and go out Romeo style with her in the passenger seat.* 3 stars

William Friedkin's "Cruising" (1980) *assault, alarm, assuage, acclimate, assplay, and arrest* 3 stars

Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Girl In Lovers Lane *Drifters and the females who foolishly fawn over them. A Route 66 romantic tragedy.* 3 stars with riffing 2 1/2 without

American Horror Story: Murder House "Spooky Little Girl" *The apparition of the Black Dahlia is misdiagnosed with acute anxiety.* 3 stars

Nic Cage is "Left Behind" (2014) *Bono raptured. U2 concert postponed.* either 1 star or 2 1/2 stars

Freddy's Nightmares: Cabin Fever -----------

*Fly the Freddy skies.* between 1 1/2 and 2 stars

*Freddy finds his Laura Palmer.* between 2 1/2 and 3 stars

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True Detective: The Locked Room *Scarred snowflakes* 3 stars

"Night Warning" (1983) *"Fuckin' deviants, the world is full of 'em." Hoop dreams, ''homophobia'', and a hilariously insane Susan Tyrrell.* 3 stars

Svengoolie: House of Horrors *Creepin' on art critics.* close to 3 stars

Tales from the Crypt: The Secret *Blue hued and sweet toothed tale of a wolf boy adopted by vampires.* 3 stars

Charles Bronson in "Cold Sweat" *A History of Violence in a French fishing village with American muscle car action.* close to 3 stars

Viper: Once A Thief *Viper-Man takes a suped-up stroll down memory lane with his delinquent former protege, Robin.* 2 1/2 stars

Son of the Beach: Two Thongs Don't Make A Right *The Devil's butt floss and daddy's B.J.* close to 2 1/2 stars

Betsy Russell is a "Tomboy" *Battle of the sexes in a light-hearted, cheesy reality that's not afraid to get raunchy.* 3 stars

American Horror Story: Freakshow "Magical Thinking" *Weak men and strong women.* close to 3 stars

Paranormal Witness: The Visitors *It's either one of two scenarios for this episode: A) A door to door salesman is duped into believing he's cursed with demons and uses his scientific background, and connections, to explain it. or B) A bored, middle-aged former scientist, and his tech buddies, try to establish a hoax with alledged proof of the paranormal.* 2 stars

The Greatest American Hero: The Hit Car *Heavier than air, heavy like Shakespeare.* 3 stars

"Killdozer" (1974) *Grizzled workmen in an isolated setting sci-fi horror that's similar to and yet almost a decade ahead of John Carpenter's "The Thing."*                          between 2 1/2 and 3 stars

Black Sails: Season 1 Episode 2 *Cooking up a kingdom, of reprieve, through barter and betrayal.*            between 2 1/2 and 3 stars

Dolph Lundgren in "Dark Angel" aka "I Come In Peace" (1990) *Phantasm's The Tall Man the cyberpunk / heavymetal years, now available on projectile compact-disc, just in time for a White-boy's Christmas.* 2 1/2 stars

Tim & Eric -Bedtime Stories: The Endorsement *Subversive swipe at Sunset BLVD* 3 stars

Puppy-Bowl: Unnecessary Roughness *Puppies wrestling at the "50 yard line" and hamsters overhead in a tiny blimp. This is okay with PETA, yet I can no longer go to my cockfights on Friday nights.* either 1 star or 2 1/2 stars

Kung Fu: Blood Brother *Dignity should not remain surrendered or buried in the mire.* 3 stars

Shaw Brothers: Roar of the Lion *(Traditional Chinese costumes) Lion versus dragon in a kung-fu dance off ceremony that's also comedy gold in a stunt filled comedy filled flick.* 3 stars

Manimal: Illusion *Manimal predicted the Siegfried & Roy tragedy, and Richard Lynch plays a diplomatic immunity villain before Lethal Weapon does the same.*           between 2 1/2 and 3 stars

King of the Hill: It Ain't Over Till The Fat Neighbor Sings *"What a glorious feeling, I'm happy again." In Hank's reality, he loses it when he can't micro-manage any poor decision making that's always hilariously exaggerated.* 3 stars

It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia: The Gang Group Dates *Dennis comes unhinged when women rate him, online, as a zero. Frank can't keep Mac & Charlie from offending their blind dates, and he can't keep his cockring from slipping off. Dee's plan to stick it to men by giving them one night stands winds up backfiring.* 3 stars

Stephen King's Kingdom Hospital: Season 1 Episode 7 *Black noises, thirsting voices striking, impeaching.* between 2 1/2 and 3 stars

15 Storeys High: Blue Rat *All of the energy, none of the fuss, plus a pony.* 3 stars

Paranormal State: Season 1 Finale *A is for anxiety and or African American spirit girl humming to a sensitive, young medium girl.* between 2 and 2 1/2 stars