#mostly frustrating bc i have actual things i need to do today and now i basically have to wait until tomorrow

[queenerdloser]

i went to get the first eye exam i've had in six years so i could finally get my prescription updated (i'm a 24/7 eyeglass wearer and have been since i was 5 lol) and the clinic under my insurance was a literal five minute walk from my office so i was like. sweet! i'll schedule it during work hours so i can duck out for 30m, go get my eyes checked, and be back for afternoon meetings. all goes according to plan until the technician suddenly has me tilting my head back and she's got dilation drops in my eyes before i can so much as say "uh is that necessary bc i'm still supposed to be working for the next four and a half hours actually"

like whoops! sorry i was trying to be efficient but maybe i should have just scheduled it on a day off instead lmao. i had to take the rest of the day off bc i couldnt fucking read or see that well and the office lights were giving me an intense headache. made it home in one piece but i've been like. sitting in my apt with my prescription sunglasses very thankful today is a cloudy day. i can at least read things now sort of???

[undiscovered-horizon]

Imagine helping Maverick with training the pilots, all the while flirting with Rooster.

callsign "Daisy" bc I like the song -> "Daisy, don't you know that you're amazing?"

Although you had hardly any more experience than the "dagger-crew-to-be", you were quite known among naval aviators for being fairly unconventional and creative in your problem-solving. It was this nice balance that brought real trouble to the examining committee when you were graduating from Top Gun: were you brilliant or a madman? Because of this trait, some people compared you to Maverick but you always made sure to point out how broad his expertise is and that you needed long years in the air to actually compare to him. Pete Mitchell noticed your peculiar talent and adventurous spirit, which was the main reason why you now acted as a "teacher's aid", no matter how much Warlock and Cyclone were against that idea. The other thing, that he wasn't willing to admit, was that you were closer in age to his pilot trainees, so Maverick figured out that through you, maybe he will have a slightly easier time connecting with them.

"Hello ladies and gentlemen, this is your favourite pilot speaking," you said happily. Aside from being a humorous interjection, Maverick and you used it as a distraction tactic. "On today’s agenda, we have an all-around win for the old dogs. So don't forget to bring your best fight and flight.”

You looked over in the direction Maverick was supposed to be by the end of your announcement and, sure enough, he was right there, giving you a hand sign equivalent to "go". Those poor aviators had no idea what kind of scheme they had been just thrown into.

"Hey, Daisy, doesn’t that make you an old bitch?" Hangman asked. He might have been one cocky and mean guy but you had to give him credit for the sharp tongue. It became a kind of a tradition for you and Jake butted heads. No matter how mean or insulting your exchanges got, everyone knew it was lighthearted joking.

"You’d like that, wouldn’t you, you dirty boy?" A few laughs resounded on the radio. "I might be tad too expensive for you, Hangman."

"When I shoot you down, do I get a free pass?"

"Permission denied, Lieutenant Seresin. Only Rooster gets one."

Bradley at first thought nothing much of your flirting: it seemed like it was just your sense of humour, a few harmless comments and nothing beyond that. But as time went on and it became apparent that your flirtatious remarks were directed only at him, Rooster couldn't help but wonder if there was a kernel of honesty, seriousness, in them. Then one day he realized, that he would gladly take you up on your tempting words.

Wasting no time to try out your devilishly well-devised plan, together with Pete you were steadily eliminating other aviators. Each take-down was followed by mumbled words, mostly swears, that expressed their frustration at the seemingly impossible task of getting a clear shot of either of you. It did brush up your ego, to know that you're good just enough to win against world's best pilots.

"Rooster, you're down," Maverick announced over the radio. He sounded satisfied with himself or maybe with the entire plan that the two of you had devised - the very same scheme that was working as expected.

A few muffled swears resounded before Bradley lowered his flight to land.

"Worry not, Lieutenant Bradshaw, you’re still a handsome bastard!"

Although your words earned a few laughs, they were cut short upon others' realization that the exercise was still ongoing and they were, most certainly, the next ones to be eliminated if they don't get their act together. Passing Maverick, he gave you a friendly salute.

It didn't take much longer for your initial announcement to be proven true: it was a win for the old dogs, although it was hard to justify putting you into that category. In any event, the exercise was over and the trainee aviators were left disgruntled with another loss. You and Maverick, however, were lighthearted as always, enjoying the fair triumph. Both of you knew that, in the long run, your consecutive wins were a very bad omen: there was a dangerous mission to be done and if those great aviators don't step up, a grim cloud ought to hang above the world.

Maverick gave you the last triumphant high-five and the two of you were supposed to go your own separate ways when someone decided to change the course of your day:

"So, I'm a handsome bastard?"

Bradley had a cocky grin on his face as if he had just eavesdropped on a juicy secret. He was leaning against the wall of the hangar - no doubt he had been waiting for you to show up. The morning sun lit up only part of his face but, to your utmost pleasure, even bad lighting couldn't make him any less beautiful.

"It sounds better than 'dashing tosser', doesn't it?" you asked making your way to him. No matter how suave you seemed, there was a flutter of adoration in your chest. Rooster laughed at the charming, borderline insult, never expecting anything else to escape your clever mouth.

"Ma'am, I thought it's against the rules to flirt with your subordinates?"

"Well, I can always kneel for you, sir," you shamelessly offered as your hands run along the collar of his uniform. You noticed Bradley clenching his jaw: no matter whether he wanted it or not, you have planted a quite tempting image in his head and he wasn't quick to discard it. "Will that make us equal?"

[nonclassyparty]

HI BREE! u have anything new tthat u would be willing to show us that u've been working on?👉👈🥺 (don't be thinking u have to but i'm just saying....IF U WANT TOOOOO C:)

(the last teaser for 'seasons out of time' bc i'm actually very excited for u guys to read it i'm enjoying writing it a lot!, coming july 10th hopefully!)

You don't go to his apartment the next morning, if anyone asks you'd say you were running around doing the remaining errands for the birthday party held at Delirium tomorrow night which is not false. 

You've purposefully tired yourself out and kept busy, doing things you maybe didn't even need to do like walking to the flower shop to ask in person if the arrangements were set for tomorrow.

Usually, you would follow San around like a lost puppy, do what he tells you to do and mark stuff off your list from the stupid notebook but today, you barely got out of bed and while you were brushing your teeth, you contemplated just quitting your job,

But, real life responsibilities don't give a fuck if you're a little bit in love with your boss' young lover because you have bills to pay, specifically your mother's hospital bills and then you feel so fucking selfish and ashamed that while you were fucking around and having silly rendezvous with a boy, your mom was laying in a hospital bed.

You need this job.

And pathetically enough, you need Choi San as well. 

You never felt like you needed anyone apart from your mom but here you are now, needing a man with whom your relationship already has an expiration date.

In the late afternoon, after an entire day of running around the city, you finally enter the staff room of Delirium.

You try not to pay attention to the way San straightens out in his seat next to Seonghwa once you walk in, greeting everyone in the room quietly and putting your stuff down.

You can hear him murmur something to Seonghwa before standing up from the couch while you take out your notebook and phone to have it on standby.

"Y/N, I need to talk to you about the decorations." San's clipped voice makes you pause in your actions and you slowly turn around to face him but he's already walking past you and waiting by the door.

You give one last glance to everyone in the room before you follow after him.

He leads you to the smaller staff room where you sometimes hide, it became somewhat of a safe space for San and you in these last couple of weeks as you spent a lot of time there together so you could be alone.

Once you enter, you open your mouth to ask what was wrong with the decorations but it slams shut once his fingers wrap gently around your wrist.

"Hey, hey..." He softly calls out and your heart squeezes at how different he sounds when he's with you alone.

You turn to face him, blinking up at him in question as your nails dig into the cover of the notebook from the nerves.

San's eyes roam your face but when you remain stoic, he lets out a sigh. "I'm sorry. About yesterday...that...that was so fucking awful, you didn't deserve that. I'm so sorry, I had no idea she would be stopping b-"

"It's fine." You interrupt the apology mostly because you'd rather gauge out your own eyes than hear San talk about her.

Or how he most definitely plans which days he'll be with her so he can't be with you.

He seems stumped for a moment, brows furrowing in faint frustration before he opens his mouth, "It's not fine, Y/N, that wasn't okay at all-"

"Yeah, well, what can you do, right?" You ask with a forced chuckle, trying to lighten up the situation. With the fake smile intact, you ask the question that's been weighing on you since yesterday. "Do...do you want to stop?"

San seems to grow even more confused, "Stop what?..." His brows raise as he motions between the two of you, "You and I?"

At your nod, he looks at you like you are crazy. "No, of course not."

Your heart squeezes again. "Then it's fine."

Because you may not know how you ended up in this entanglement with San or what the extent of your relationship is but you do know that he was with Do Jihyun years before you came along, asking him for anything else would be ludicrous because you know the answer. You've only kissed him for the first time last month, he wouldn't choose you just yet. If ever.

So you will continue to put yourself through more humiliation and you guess it's because you love him. 

You think you have loved people before, but you have never felt like this and never have you wanted someone to love you back as much as you want San to and it hurts. You know you might be reading too much into things and seeing signs where there is nothing to see and at one point,  you won't know where the line between wishful thinking and the honest truth lies.

But, you hope there is still some time until that moment comes.

"I understand, San. So don't worry, it's fine." You nod but the fake smile dims even more as your eyes catch onto the reddish bruise blossoming at the side of his neck and you have to blink rapidly as your eyes start to burn.

He notices your gaze and quickly adjusts his shirt, covering up the hickey and visibly growing more uncomfortable.

You clear your throat, the air in the small, stuffy room growing awkward.

"It's not the same." San says quietly and now it's your turn to be confused. He swallows, avoiding your eyes before his lips part again, "With you and me and...me and her, it's not the same."

You quirk an eyebrow, bitterness that has no business being there towards San surfacing. "How so?"

He almost seems shy, cheeks tinting pink as he tugs at his shirt tucked into his pants. "With you it's...I don't know how to explain this," He mutters, chuckling under his breath, "It's...not just physical, r-right? It's not just about the sex, there's something here, right? It's like...dating? I've never dated anyone before but I imagine it to be similar to what I have with you."

...what I have with you.

Blood rushes to your cheeks immediately and you adjust your gaze somewhere else, shifting on your feet as you grow shy as well as you mull over his response. You feel a pang in your chest, wishful thinking taking over once again and faintly imagining a life where you and San were both college students or something or...just free. A life where the two of you were not the people that you actually are.

You've never dated anyone either.

It shatters when he continues.

"With her...it's..."

You frown, looking back up to him, "Are you in love with her?"

"No." San answers instantly with a chuckle, as if the idea is ridiculous although in your head it really isn't. Do Jihyun is a stunning, successful woman. Who wouldn't want that?

"Then what? Is it...a job?" You offer, finding the term 'job' wrong to say. It makes San seem like a...

"No, not a job." He denies quietly, gaze focusing downwards, "I'm a...possession. A plaything to use and parade around behind her husband's back when she gets bored of him. Until she gets bored of me."

"Then you should just leave."

San chuckles, this time he's the one to sound bitter. "You say it like it's so easy but I expected you of all people to understand that it's not."

You frown at that and when he takes sight of your face, he explains. San nods to the notebook in your hand. "I was looking through your notebook last week trying to find the number of the catering service. Saw a hospital bill between the pages."

Your face smooths out at that as you take a step back.

"You don't have to tell me anything but Y/N, if you don't like how it is here then you can just leave." The words are like spiky ice through your heart. You don't know if he understands how much that stung. "You can't because you have your reason as to why you choose to stay that has very little to do with me. I have my reasons, as well."

"I'm doing my best." You defend yourself quietly.

"You're not the only one. So is everyone else."

Then you see it.

If you strip away the fancy clothes, strip him of the nightclub, of the galas and dinners, of the endless nights of decadence...what is exactly left?

Just pure, raw misery.

He is miserable.

In June, you learn that San and you aren't so different after all. 

[nightmarevore]

hi! i'm getting into writing safe vore oneshots and i was inspired by a few of your works and reblogs. for years i was really discontent with my writing, but when i revisited some of your stories today, i noticed how similar your writing style is to mine, and the fact that people enjoy your content made me confident enough to complete a draft and plan a new story. i wanted to know if you make drafts and revise them? do you just publish the first draft? do you get help writing or editing them? 1☆

WAAAAAAAAAAAAH I;M SOBBING THIS WAS SUCH A NICE SERIES OF ASKS TO COME TO YOU'RE SO NICE TO MEEEEEEEE omg gomgo gomgomgomgklgkgfkjngfjbjdk i've never been complimented LIKE THIS or asked extensively for my process, this is new to me!!! you're wonderful and kind and i appreciate you.

i'm gonna have to make a readmore here as to not clutter up everyone's dashes to tell you my process/thoughts so HERE WE GO!!!!

i actually have only one fic i get edited and it's a non-vore fic, a very close friend of mine edits a fn.a f fanfic i'm writing based on w/illi.am a/f.to/n. i don't ask them to edit my vore stuff, but they do know i'm into vore. i actually write all my fics in a google doc!

i'll typically actually write as i go entirely. i have a rough idea of how i want the fic to go (who's in what, who does what, an event i need to happen, etc) and write along that rough guideline in my head. i write completely in order, or else i can't make it flow well together. sometimes i'll write what else may need to get done or else i may forget.

i'll consider things i decide to change as i go along "the first draft," since i went with something entirely different. for example, in one of my drafts for a wip fic, i chose to have luke, in the serial killer, panic and size-shift to half size and have the fic end with a half-size hurt/comfort vore from luke and rowan. instead, i changed it so luke is dazed but has time remain his current size and pull rowan out of his pred instincts taking over and have cuddles afterwards and vore when they got home, luke still the same size.

though adhd and autism get in the way at times—executive dysfunction is a bitch. a lot of things i have written, like a luke and rowan serial killer fic, as well a a fugue state william fic have been a WIP since February of this year—literally when i BROKE MY FOOT and was stuck in a reclining chair for a month. i keep telling myself i need to get to them, but then i see ffxiv and hanging out with friends and just decide that's a better way to spend my time at the moment. i've been in a huuuuge brain fog for a few months bc of this, the recent one shot i posted was actually made because i was speaking vore feelings i had with medli.

i definitely have an easier time writing when i'm specifically fixated on vore, luke and rowan, william, mike, etc.

i'll write when i'm hyperfixated, and my brain pushes me to write more when i'm at work rather than at home, because adhd classifies work as something i need a distraction from, and home as chill time. i'll write on my breaks or when i have a moment to myself to sit and hide.

i'll tell you right now, i get SOOO many ideas and have at least 10+ wips, including f./n/a,f, luke and rowan, and ffxiv characters.

when i write, i'm mostly writing from my heart. exactly what i'd expect to think, feel, and hear. i put myself into the perspective/mind of the characters i'm writing and can get deep into these fics as i write them. i get so interpersonally connected to my writing as i'm writing that i physically feel my character's emotions, and see them in my head exactly how they play out.

honestly, i'm not too sure about tips on how to get out of making yourself write when you don't feel like it. i've gotten frustrated with myself for staring at my documents for too long and not being able to write anything. i imagine the scenario in perfect detail, and then i'll sit down, stare at my work, and i'm like ....???????????????????

i'm actually trying to open up to my therapist about getting medicated so i can have an easier time writing/creating for you guys! hopefully soon.

i hope this kind of gives you some insight to my process, please go forth and create and never be afraid to share. <333

this ask means a lot to me!

[fizzingwizard]

life stuff

I did so many dumb things yesterday. Can't even remember them all now, but for one, I went to the wrong floor when I got home and even tried the key before I realized. I also went to a sushi place where you have color-coded plates, and I took a plate that wasn't my color. I have been going there for years and I've never not once done that before. Also at work I was just a basketcase who couldn't commit to anything.

Then today I made oatmeal, but apparently never turned the kettle on?? So I just poured ice cold water on my oats and uh yeah not appetizing. I just decided to starve until dinner 9_9

I'm a little perplexed by so many senior moments, but I think it just means I'm a lot more tired than I realized. It was a tough week. Many teachers were out sick. Including a teacher who quit for (highly legitimate) personal reasons just last week, we were missing four to five teachers nearly every day. We didn't have one day with a full staff. It's also conference season so I had a ton going on, and my kids were unusually difficult. I think it's a combo of them all being sick but not sick enough to stay home, and my challenging students just having some extra challenges, and everything happening at the same time. I've also been under the weather in a weird nebulous way: various symptoms, overall fatigue, no fever, but lasting weeks and weeks. Can't call out for it as much as I want to. Wednesday was alright but every other day was like wow, welcome to hell. Though I shouldn't say that because hell would be a kid getting hurt. No injuries, no disasters, just a very tired and frustrated teacher.

Because of all the teacher absences, those of us who were here every day got slapped with a lot more on-duty time and just stints of break here and there. We couldn't even get what's in our contracts a couple days, which always pisses me off because I'm literally not getting paid for one hour that I'm at work. And the company doesn't want us to do overtime of course bc they have to pay us for it. (They are known for "forgetting" to account for overtime hours as well so everyone double checks their paychecks). Yet we've been understaffed all year, so in order to not pay for overtime, they just send teachers from another nearby school to ours to help. One of my coworkers always insists on apologizing to them. I'm not apologizing. I didn't do it. Let the company apologize. I'll thank the other school for helping (not that they have a choice) but tbh it'd be better if they said it was impossible, then the company might actually hire a full time teacher. Oh btw last year when several of us were helping the other school when their teacher left on paternity leave for the rest of the year, no one thanked us. In face they mostly just forgot about us and looked surprised every time we turned up (biweekly! for months!) to do the job they told us they needed us to do

Anyway I told the manager that as much as I understand why break/prep time is limited when there are many teacher absences, it looked as though time had been redistributed without any thought about equality. Wed's hours were a mess, but I let it slide because I thought I could fix it to be okay for Friday. Well, someone else was out on Fri, and the time was redistributed again and I had less for the whole week than everyone else. Now there are a few factors: some teachers work longer hours than others but make "the same" pay (I put it in quotes because some of the contracts are a little different and I don't know the details, but it's roughly similar anyway). A teacher who is at the school for 7 hours has gets the same off-duty time as ones who are there for 8 or 9. But if it's okay to give more off-duty time to 9 hr teachers than 7 hr ones, that's never been expressed. And because 7 hr teachers go home before the least staffed period of the day, it's the 8 hr teacher who end up with less off-duty time because there are fewer opportunities to take it. The ones that come earlier than 4 pm have to go to the 7 hr teacher first. The ones that come after 5 pm are only available to the 9hr (which sucks for them because who wants to not have a break till after 5? they do usually get some break earlier as well but it's shorter).

Overall the distribution is unfair and dumb even when it's done according to the books. We used to have a couple leaders who would point out when things were too tight or not fair to whoever, but they both quit in the mass exodus of last year. I thought I could point it out and the manager would say "oh sorry, I'll keep an eye on that for the future." I didn't expect my schedule to be changed, just that promise. Instead the manager first said it was fine that I had less off-duty time than everyone else because I had conferences (??? our contracts don't change when there are conferences - or do they? lol well if they do it was never a problem any other year before now...). So I was like not really, and she proceeded to give me a bit of someone else's prep, the teacher who had the most for the week, only I found out later that that teacher wasn't feeling well that day. She may have been given the extra time due to her condition, and because I brought it up, she lost it. But I had no idea she wasn't feeling well. When I found out, I tried to trade with her, but she refused every time. It's just 15 min we're talking about. What does it say to you when teachers feel guilty all day long for having 15 min of prep time that could have been someone else's? fuck everything

Also only found out later that another coworker spent all of her prep time onboarding a new teacher. New teacher, hurrah, whatever, it's fucking January already but sure. Well, that coworker could have used a little extra off-duty time as well. But nobody bothers to tell Fizz. I would have happily traded off-duty time with her as well but I'm not pyschic my dude. I'm just not.

While I'm complaining let me sandwich in another annoyance. The other class decided they wanted to do a certain project. They began work on the project, but then got told by the manager that they had to include my class, because what they were doing was big enough to be unfair if only one class got to participate. Since they had already begun work, it was taken for granted that my class would just be doing the project as well now. No one asked if that was alright with me. No one asked if I wanted to edit or add anything. Actually, no one even TOLD ME WHAT WE WERE DOING. The other class teacher told my co-teacher the project was happening, but not the details. I waited two weeks, nothing, so finally I had to go ask them what the heck this was about, and they then told ME what to do. Absolutely no interest in what I might think about it at all. They decided, so I just have to do it. I could argue, of course! But like every time I have the audacity to disagree with Things That Someone Has Decided, I'd just be seen as making trouble for no reason. The project is good for the kids, so it's not easy to be against it. And I'm not against it. But I do feel disrespected. Like did it occur to no one that I, also a classroom teacher, might already have my own project in mind for my class??? If this had happened in reverse, then as soon as I knew my project was going to be expected of another class as well, I would have gone and talked to that class's teachers. I would have asked for their input and changes and I would have been fully prepared, no matter how unlikely it was, for the possibility that they just wouldn't want to do it at all. Because it's their class and i don't make decisions about their class. "But it's a cute project for little kids" blah blah everything we do is a cute project for little kids. IT'S STILL WORK FOR TEACHERS. Kill me for preferring the projects I chose and put effort into instead of projects someone else picked out without even asking my opinion. And I'm still doing it! I haven't made a scene! But was it really too much to expect at least "sorry about this" or "do you want to change anything"?? I really saw red for a while.

I'm fed up with my job in a lot of ways and I want to switch. But I don't know where to go. Finding somewhere new will mean starting over from base salary which is even lower than what I make now. The more tiring and demanding the work becomes, the less the pay makes it feel worth it. No one becomes a pre-k teacher to get rich. We like little kids. But there sure are a lot of expectations of teacher's the schools are basically throwing peanuts at. The perk, yeah, is the time off. But since it's only during cold months I never really do anything with it. It was nice to go home over the holidays, but I couldn't afford to do it every year whether I had the time off or not lol.

I honestly don't know what to do right now and it's making me extra anxious. Just hoping something will fall into my lap hahaha great strategy there. Glassdoor sends me useless spam every day :) Even got one saying I'd be a "perfect fit" to teach Christian ed to the kids of a traveling circus x'D

[troglobite]

asldkjfs

haha guess today isn't a day where i can talk to or hang out with my mom!!!!

my stupid fucking laptop fell off my bed and broke its own charger--AGAIN.

this time it BENT THE FUCKING PRONGS ON THE ACTUAL CHARGER.

and i'm tired, on my period, and uncomfortable and crabby.

so i go out to complain to my mom and ask for help

she immediately says do you want to look for a new charger

the thing is I'VE ALREADY DONE THAT BEFORE

i spent DAYS looking for a charger for my stupid piece of shit macbook pro that is 1. compatible 2. lasts forever 3. doesn't randomly start fires

and i decided

this is too much money and not worth the pain in the ass

i'll just get another fucking apple charger. this one lasted fine, it's whatever.

except it gets here and it REEKS OF GASOLINE as MANY apple products have since fucking 2016!

i clean and clean and clean it to get rid of the smell and it NEVER GOES AWAY so we have to fucking return it

so she asks me

do i wanna look for another charger

no, i don't

i spent all that time and money on it before only to keep using the charger that was already "broken" anyway all this time

it's slightly more broken now but will still be functional

so no, i DON'T want to look for a charger when i am TIRED, CRABBY, ON MY PERIOD, AND DEEPLY PHYSICALLY UNCOMFORTABLE

but me expressing that? as best i can when i am TIRED AND HAVING DIFFICULTY WITH WORDS?

well apparently that's me "discounting everything she says"

so i try to fucking talk to her as she uses tools to straighten out the prong on the charger

and she just ignores me

she won't say ANYTHING

SHE FUCKING IGNORES ME THE WHOLE FUCKING TIME NO MATTER WHAT I SAY

so i go to the bathroom and avoid HER

and it's fine, it's mostly straight now, it works

so i have to fucking text her to ask if she's mad at me for breaking the fucking charger

no, she says, "you just discount everything i say so i just have to keep my mouth shut"

WHICH IS WHAT SHE DOES WHENEVER SHE'S MAD AT SOMETHING FUCKING ELSE AND NOT ME BUT DECIDES TO TAKE IT OUT ON ME FOR EXISTING AND BEING UPSET ABOUT SOMETHING

so i explain to her, IN DETAIL, why me being IRRITATED AND DISAGREEING WITH HER ONE FUCKING QUESTION ABOUT LOOKING FOR A NEW CHARGER IS NOT THE SAME AS DISCOUNTING EVERYTHING SHE FUCKING SAYS

and she doesn't respond. at all. nothing. she won't talk to me.

so it's just going to be one of those days and i'm fucking sick of her refusing to acknowledge when she's in a bad fucking mood and taking it out on me

i recognize it's not fun to have our first interaction of the day be me walking out and pissed off abt my stupid piece of shit laptop and its stupid fucking piece of shit twice broken charger

but FUCKING CHRIST

ME GETTING VAGUELY FRUSTRATED AND HAVING DIFFICULTY USING WORDS TO EXPLAIN WHY HER ONE QUESTION/SUGGESTION ISN'T SUPER HELPFUL RIGHT NOW IS NOT THE SAME AS DISCOUNTING EVERYTHING SHE FUCKING SAYS

i'm so fucking tired and exhausted of this shit

it's unpredictable and annoying and she NEVER TAKES RESPONSIBILITY FOR ANY OF IT!!!! NEVER!!!!!

SHE NEVER FUCKING ACCEPTS THAT SHE'S JUST IN A BAD MOOD OR DOESN'T WANT TO DEAL WITH ME

AND INSTEAD OF SAYING THAT AND JUST BEING LIKE "SORRY I'M NOT IN THE MOOD SO I DON'T FEEL LIKE TALKING ABOUT ANYTHING, I'M ALSO MAD BUT ABOUT OTHER STUFF"

SHE JUST FUCKING TAKES IT OUT ON ME AND ACTS LIKE IT'S ENTIRELY MY FUCKING FAULT AND THAT I AM SOLELY RESPONSIBLE FOR HER SHITTY MOODS AND MEAN BEHAVIOR

literally the SECOND she's in a bad mood, i become An Evil Dictator Who Doesn't Let Her Do Anything or Listen To Her At All

and i'm so fucking tired of this shit

like it HURTS to be accused of that garbage WHEN IT'S NOT FUCKING TRUE

when my DAD is the one who would do that shit NOT ME

and HE ALSO DID IT TO ME

it's just always there lurking under the fucking surface, that she thinks i am my dad bc i'm disabled and need help, and bc of her own fucked up shit and trauma that she refuses to even LOOK at, she thinks that makes me an evil person bc SHE automatically does shit in response to someone being upset abt ANYTHING.

that's not my fucking responsibility and i'm FUCKING TIRED of having to be the one to DEAL WITH THE CONSEQUENCEDBFHJG,CNFMN,XHLJ,BXHKMRES

but noooooooo fuck looking at counselors for us to talk to

we're not going to do that until possibly may

if it ever even fucking happens!!!! HAHAHDLK JFACHDLIUAHIUWJZ

[quarantinedinabaddream]

since twt is being a bitch and locked me out of both my accs for god knows what reason i’m gonna rant here bc mostly no one will see it which is kinda what i want so i’ll start w the twt thing i know it shouldn’t bother me this much but it is bc it’s triggering my ocd (would love to be normal for once btw) and i need to start using it less if i get my accs back that is (which i’ll hopefully i guess) bc i’m clearly getting too attached to a fucking social media site only bc i can talk to people on there who kinda get me??? like what happened to having actual irl friends this is frustrating lmao but then also i don’t like anyone i meet irl so maybe i’m the problem. second thing it’s 3:30 in the morning rn and i’ve an exam tomorrow well today technically and it’ll start from 8ish so i’ll have to leave by 7:15 and for that i’ll have to wake up by 6:30 max and i can’t sleep clearly which is a huge problem and i’m now also thinking abt how i just need a break from evth like i simply need evth to stop but it’s really not a like uh i can’t even skip school bc of the exam so that’s clearly not a viable option and it’s so annoying bc i’m really tired and i just can’t deal w anything anymore damnit like in general too like i’m trying so hard right now but school is just getting too much and even tho there’s only like 4 more months left of it (and then tons of exams) i still feel like i can't to do this anymore cause the stress is literally consuming me and i’m not sure if i’ll make it to graduation (and i’m not even sure if i want if i’m being really honest) because my mental health is literally on a downward spiral but then again it feels like it has always been and now i’m kinda losing track and i also don’t know why i decided to write this here but the point i just really really need evth to stop i don’t wanna deal with any of this it hurts so so much and i just fckin need it to stop uh anyway i need to sleep and this might be getting concerning so i’ll stop and go try to sleep i guess

[brittapcrrys]

this post just making me think abt something for, like, the 10th time today....

this got so fucking long ahhh i am just. justifying all this to myself as im unpacking where the feeings are coming from jsdfkhs glad i have a psych session next week, guess i know what we're gonna talk abt!!

i was rly generally frustrated this afternoon and got a message to pop around for last minute planning for the help/work im doing for mum's friend for the next few weeks. and like yeah i know that it is generally within my range of abilities, i know that most times i help 'em out like this it's Fine and occasionally even Fun, i know that if im Not Well or anything else i can text and say look can't do it today sorry and that'll be accepted!!!

but. whenever i am asked to Do these things (dog sit / dog walk / plant-sit&garden, etc) for "neighbours" and friends there's like......... they KNOW im unemployed and they KNOW i've done it before so there's this feeling of an unspoken expectation that i WILL say yes, i will agree to do it when and as asked.

and ig to some extent it's reasonable for any of them to think 'she's been happy to do it before so there's good odds she'll probably, hopefully, do it again!' and they're never DEMANDING abt it or anything so maybe it is, at least coming from the 'employer' in each case, mostly just ~in my head~ n something i'm seeing/feeling/projecting that's not Actually in there

but idk when i HAVE had jobs in the past (waitress, cleaner, babysitter, tutor, library assistant) if i got ~called in~ the day before i uhhhh could say no. and would say no. and i didn't feel bad abt it i didn't care like i had a (casual, but pre-planned) roster and i've been fortunate enough that saying 'no, i can't' didn't lose me those scheduled shifts or the job as a whole, i know that. but bc this isn't an ~official~ job there's no structure it's just a 'get a text 1wk-to-12hrs before, help a neighbour, get twenty bucks' kinda deal each time it feels like i HAVE TO say yes. if i don't have some other thing already planned, i have to say Yeah Sure or im evil and horrible and the worst and should be ashamed

excepttttttttt i think. a lot of that. comes from my mum lmao always a fun connection to make. bc i made some exasperated comment mostly to myself during that frustrated moment this afternoon and she was like "well what do you mean? why can't you do it? why would you say no? did you WANT to say no? it's not like you have much else going on... it's not even hard why wuold---" etc etc and dad isn't quite so expressive, ever, but less and less so as the PD continues to wear away at him & his speech in more obvious ways, but has similar sentiments. and like.... just bc THEY can't/won't say no to stuff doesn't mean i shouldn't????? mum will say she needs a week to herself and then 10minutes later has agreed to be a TRT (substitute teacher) for 3.5days that week. dad just thinks 'you do a job until it's done. you get asked to do a job, you do that til it's done' and like let's not even THINK abt the way that has worn each of them down physically and emotionally at different times, including now. like they just view Work and the related Expectations/Obligations differently, i guess? whether that's a generational thing, a ND (me) vs NT thing, a 'farmer and air force electrician' and 'lifelong teacher' and 'we both moved out at 16/17 and supported ourselves from that point on / u can't get something from nothing' thing. i have forgotten where this was going jfc

anyway. the dog will be a lil moody if i don't visit her for a couple hours & go for a walk, but she'll be fine. the plants can be watered by someone else, or - esp in the current weather - just miss a day, they'll bounce back later. me doing these things when asked is not, like, the key to holding the fabric of the universe together. nobody's life is gonna come apart at the seams bc i said 'oh, sorry, i won't be able to d that today/this week'.

and i shouldn't actually have to explain why! maybe i have a migraine and can't stand up straight. maybe i'm having a gastrointestinal Hell Episode. maybe i threw up overnight and am still very distressed abt it. maybe i haven't slept in 48hrs. maybe it's windy and im teetering on the verge of a panic attack and rly cannot be outside in it. maybe it's PMDD time and i know i don't have the patience to interact with another being especially not in a way where im solely responsible for it. maybe im bleeding heavily and cramping to the extreme on and off without warning. maybe i haven't been able to get out of bed all week because i just dont want to exist. MAYBE i just! don't! wanna!

and idt it's fair that anyone says or acts in a way that suggests im doing something Very Wrong or Shameful or Disappointing (there's a difference between, 'oh, that's disappointing, but thanks for letting me know' disappointment & 'why would you do that? what are you thinking?' disappointment, which is the kind i mean). is it gonna be fine most times if i agree to it even when i don't rly want to? yes. it's always mostly fine-ish. it's nto abt avoiding it out of anxiety or whatever like im not nervous abt walking this mini daschund that adores me. im not nervous abt watering plants that are essentially the same as my own at home. it's just, like, weighing up 'would doing this likely improve my mood/day? will it probably just be a non-impact kinda deal? what are the odds it makes me / my day worse?' each time (knowing when my psych appts are, when my period is and general mood shifts during my cycle, how my sleep and mood have been in the day/s before the 'shift', weather, etc etc etc) and determining which is likely to be the most effective and useful (or neutral, sometimes) option for me in that case!

and if that reason is just 'ehhh i really just Dont Want It today/tomorrow' that is also fine, actually

[frozenrose13]

stomach is throwing fits and idk why. best guess is getting food earlier, gi things are still being a fuss and it was a lot of fried... either way we feel rly sick in multiple ways and i *was* going to do beading but now need to focus on symptom management

which mostly just means smoking until we can stand again bc mightve done silly things and trapped us in the bedroom w/o an aid : V

lots of addicty thoughts as the frequency of All That goes up...our qol is overall going back up too but it's taking a lot...could proooobably be managing better buuut the focus isn't really on that anymore so meh.

we went out today and that was good and there doesn't need to be a "but" anywhere. i can be frustrated about the amount of sleep after and the amount of smoking now but realize that this. doesn't need to be a bad thing.

so much got worse feeling and we're actually really frustrated and upset about it : /

i miss our long hair. i keep wanting to even out the sides and grow it back out but that requires so much help and that. doesn't need to be a bad thing either, it's just exhausting and sucks.

want to be social more but still super limited capacity for that : V even typing has limits now which is. not new, definitely not welcomed. although, lots of interesting data on what impacts what language things. brain fog slurring sounds different from broken speech center sounds different from aphasia etc etc.

aphasia getting worse is scary in ways the other language stuff isn't. like yeah sure limited ability or w/e but we had something. having that something just go away like that is. not fun to think about : /

doot doot trauma brain doot doot : V

[satansthirdniple]

This is a little personal rant about me figuring out my spoons and forks and reassuring myself that not everyone has the same amount of options in when/how to use their spoons for whatever reason, today my hair was what got to me so that's what I wrote about this time)

Gosh sometimes I feel like I'm dramatic (derogatory) about the smallest things like not taking a nap during a migraine since my hair was still wet bc it would get mushed, tangled and leave gel on my scalp which would be a bigger headache that id have to deal with tomorrow (instead of in 3 days or the tangles would get out of hand) while recovering from the one I have today, id have to reshampoo, condition, detangle, style and dry which means 30 min with styling and multiple hours to air dry since I can't stand the blow dryer during a migraine

...and then I remember I've got multiple disabilities and need to be nicer to myself and that the reason doing my hair feels like it should be easier/quicker/less draining is because I've grown up mostly seeing able-bodied people with straight or super short hair do their hair, when I did see my cousins with thick medium-long kinky/coily/curly hair get theirs done I never actually got to learn about how much energy it can take even if you're able-bodied, protective styles tend to last longer but take more spoons up front, even the simple ones that last 1-3 weeks before needing a refresh (to clarify I have medium-long thick curly hair and was raised with my straight haired mom doing it pretty good but she never talked to me about how/when to do my hair so that I could go to sleep on ite with it dry or anything like that)

It also has to do with when I was a kid and all I wanted was straight hair bc I thought people with straight hair had it easier because of their straight hair (which in some ways they do but that's besides the point, I learned to hate my hair until I was 14 or 15 because of how much shit I got from adults and other kids and how much my arms hurt from washing and brushing my hair every day bc nobody taught me about it so I learned from YouTube and thought that the products were what made their hair look good and wasted money which made my mom mad so she wouldn't buy new hair stuff which left me feeling like an ugly idiot who couldn't even pretend to be pretty)

Now I honestly do love my hair, every single curl and sometimes I get frustrated but the only time I straighten it is when I know I have a bad flare-up coming and won't remember to wrap my hair before sleeping (usually bc I'm exhausted and just pass out)

But there's nothing wrong with straightning ur hair if that's what makes you happy or makes things easier, sometimes I consider shaving my head again bc it was so much easier but I missed my hair and was about to get a wig, it's all about you and what you want/need (genuinely/lovingly)

[nullspace-mustard]

i just want to play minecraft :-(

[adoringhaikyuu]

you flinch during an argument with them

characters: kageyama, kuroo, ushijima, (gn!reader)

request: i was wondering if you could do a reaction with kageyama, ushijima and kuroo “when their s/o flinches during an argument” but if that makes you uncomfortable in anyway please feel free to ignore this !!! • by anonymous

warnings: mentions/hints of abuse (bc of the flinching but nothing physical or abusive actually happens) + a hint of angst i suppose

notes: thank u for being so sweet w ur request !! don’t worry it’s ok but this may be an uncomfortable topic/idea for some people so pls keep that in mind if u read this !! <3

part one | part two

kageyama:

let’s say this boy is stressed

he didn’t have a good practice today, he and hinata couldn’t get their quick attack right

and he couldn’t get his milk––

overall 0/10 would recommend 

so it was kinda guaranteed that he would be in a pissy mood 

so when you were walking home, telling him about your day and you kept asking him about his (awful) day that he very much did not want to talk about

because he was disappointed in himself tbh :/

and you kept pushing him because you knew it wasn’t good for him to hold everything in...

he kinda snapped, telling you to drop it

unfortunately you weren’t expecting his outburst or for the volume of his voice to triple

you stopped walking and flinched, shocked by literally everything that was happening rn

kageyama stopped walking as well, basically panting as he looked at you, eyes wide––in fear, honestly. he never yelled at you and he never wanted to. “i––uh––” he stuttered, blinking quickly at you, his cheeks flushed, pupils shaky.

you sighed, a bit hurt, but you knew he was probably stressed since he was always working himself too hard. “tobio...” he looked down in shame at your soft tone that he definitely did not deserve, in his mind. “i’m only trying to help, you know. you shouldn’t shut me out.”

he opened his mouth but quickly shut it, not knowing how to respond. but he lifted his head in shock when he felt you wrap your arms around him. 

“i’m guessing you had a bad day today?” you asked gently. he didn’t answer for a few seconds, but when you heard him take a shaky inhale, you raised your head to look at him, feeling your insides twist when you noticed the tears falling down his cheeks.

you took your arms away to wipe his cheeks but yelped when he quickly trapped your arms, pulling you into a crushing hug. “no!–i––i’m sorry. but please, don’t let go.” his voice was quiet, vulnerable.

“okay.” you wrapped your arms around him as best you could in your position and he visibly melted in your hold. “i’m here, okay?” he nodded, letting out a few quiet sobs. “i’m not going anywhere.” 

he held you tighter and closed his eyes, not even caring that you were still in public. “thank you.” 

kuroo:

we know that kuroo is v laid back

which means when he’s mad, it’s not too bad

but that doesn’t mean you want to willingly get into an argument with him––

he doesn’t shout, but his voice is stern and loses it’s playful charm––and that’s almost scarier

now the argument wasn’t too intense, but you still didn’t like the way his stare had hardened, his stance tensed, his jaw clenched and his arms crossed together, almost like a barrier shutting you out

you were just getting very frustrated, you wanted to climb into his arms again but you two were already stressed out and all of this pent up energy was pouring out of you, fueling the fire

you felt very aware of your surrounding, on very high alert

and kuroo was just about done with this fight, just wanting to go to bed and put this behind you

so he sighed and raised his hand to pinch the bridge of his nose, about to end this when you flinched––

maybe the abrupt movement shocked you, you honestly weren’t sure

he immediately paused and you could see the fear and confusion register through his body as he watched you, his arms slowly falling to his sides. a harsh silence overcame the two of you for a moment. you didn’t...you didn’t think he was going to...did you? 

“babe––?” he stepped towards you slowly, not wanting to make a wrong move even though he was probably more frightened than you were.

honestly you weren’t scared at all, if anything just confused. you stared up at him, eyes wide, lips parted. “i...” you swallowed harshly. “i’m sorry i don’t...i don’t know why i did that.” you knew that he would never hit you, but you were just so strung up, too overwhelmed that you weren’t functioning properly.

kuroo held his hands out hesitantly, “is it...is it okay if i hold you?” 

you nodded, biting your lip nervously, your eyes tearing up slightly. “please.” he immediately wrapped you gently in his arms and squeezed you tight.

he kissed your head and stayed with his lips pressed against you for a few seconds before speaking up. “you...you know i would never––right?”

you tilted your head back to look at him, your hands gripping at the back of his shirt. “i know––i know tetsu.” 

he looked down at you with glassy eyes and gave you a small relieved smile. “okay.” he kissed your nose and leaned down to tuck his head in your shoulder, arms still wrapped around you. his voice was small as he mumbled into your sweater. “i’m so sorry kitten. this fight was stupid anyway. can we please go cuddle? just wanna hold you.” 

you nodded, smiling, relieved to be putting this behind you. “of course.” 

ushijima:

ushijima didn’t like to say that you had arguments

he preferred to say that you had a few...frustrating or tense conversations every now and then that you always solved in the end, strengthening your bond and your relationship

but tbh they were very rare

well this was one of these rare moments...

let’s say you were having a tense conversation as he was cleaning up after practice, you walking behind him as he picked up stray balls

so he was already wound up and in need of a soothing shower which didn’t help the conversation at all

and he was honestly trying to end it as soon as possible

not because he didn’t respect you or what you had to say, but because he didn’t like arguing with you

but sometimes he just doesn’t exactly communicate things well

so when he turns abruptly and stares at you blankly, saying a simple but firm “enough.” 

you flinch and take a small step back

he just looked so intimidating and you honestly weren’t expecting him to stop walking that fast so that mostly surprised you too

ushijima stopped as well, the shock and confusion clear in the way his mouth dropped open and his eyes widened a fraction. his expressions weren’t exactly obvious, but to you, they were clear as day.

he paused for a few seconds, unsure of what to do. “i––i didn’t mean to frighten you. i’m sorry.” he swallowed and tentatively reached for your hand, after checking that you were okay with it. “i only meant that i don’t want continue this conversation like this. it’s only stressing us out and i don’t want you to feel that way. not because of me.” 

you bit your lip sheepishly as you looked up at his hand holding yours firmly, understanding and appreciating his reasoning. you looked up at him and gave him a small smile. “it’s okay, i understand. and you didn’t scare me toshi––”

he squeezed your hand and looked into your eyes deeply. “please don’t lie for my sake.”

you shook your head and stepped closer to him, taking his other hand as well. “i promise, toshi. i know i have no reason to be afraid of you.” 

he nodded once but you could tell it might take him a little while longer to really believe you. 

“let’s go home, okay? we can order some food and watch that new documentary you were waiting for.”

he nodded again, grateful and relieved. “please.” 

[kilbygrl]

jack asking reader to move in with him

a/n: i hate it but you guys have to deal with it bc that's the only thing i was able to write today.

The car ride from the restaurant to your house is long. You and Jack were having a typical date night, he took you to a new restaurant in town, an intimate place, mostly for couples and he was smiling at you the whole time, holding your hand, literally never leaving your side. He just came home after a long tour, so it’s the first time in a while you had this kind of time together. He had a great energy and you could feel he was truly happy being there. 

“We need to talk about something” he says, massaging the skin of your thigh with his thumb. 

“Should I be worried?” you say in a joking tone, making him laugh a bit. 

“Nah, not really. I just bought a house, a bigger one” he announces, making you look at him with surprise “And I'm sorry I didn’t tell you earlier, but...’ 

“Oh, don’t worry, baby! That’s actually great! When can I visit the new house?” the excitement is present in your voice. 

“And about that, I have something to ask you” you could tell he was kinda nervous, just for the way his finger is tapping the steering wheel “I want you to move in with me” 

“Move in? Like us living together?” he nods, taking your hand. 

“Yeah, like the new place it’s closer to your work and it’s so big, ma. We could have, like, ten kids, and dogs and everything we want. And us living together it’s so much easier, we can be together all the time I’m here, and have our life”  

“You’re kidding me, right? You’re actually asking me to live with you?” you’re truly confused, it’s such a big step. 

“Yeah, think with me. While you’re not working, you’re home with me, and same for me. And I know, it’s crazy to buy a fucking house and just now ask you to live with me, but it’s how I want to do it. I want to live with you, spent the rest of my life with you” he glances you a look while the car stopped at the red light. 

“J, you’re not real. I can’t believe you’re just asking me to give up my house and move in with you”  

“We already spend all the time I’m in town together, nothing will really change” he tightens the grip in your hand “You’re not saying yes, are you? I’m fucking stupid, I should’ve asked-” and you interrupt him again. 

“I’m not saying no, baby. I just have to... think about it, okay? It’s such a big step” 

“And I’m ready to take it, if you are” 

You look at him, just thinking. How could he do this? Never in your previous relationships you had someone take the lead to spend so much time like this with you. Or at least treat you with so much love and think about a future together as Jack does. Everything it’s so new with him that you’re afraid everything will go wrong. That you’re going to lose the love of your life if you take a wrong step. 

“Ma, don’t worry, okay? If you don’t want to do it now, you don’t have to. I just got a little frustrated, but it’s fine, I don’t want to press you with something you don’t want to do. I love you and I’ll love you the same if you don’t want to take this step now” he reassures, almost making you cry. 

“Baby, I want to. I really want to have a life like this with you, I'm just insecure, and if it doesn't work? I don’t want you to regret your choice” 

“You think I would regret it? I gave it big thought. I talked with everyone I know, with my mom and dad, I’ve been thinking about this for months. I’ll not regret it. I promise you”  

“Oh, Jack. Where did I find you?” before you could say anything, the car stops, now he just stopped in front of your house.  

His hands leave yours, and undo your belt for you. You get out of the car, hugging Jack in the second he’s in front of you. You give him a few pecks, not letting him say anything. 

“Of course I’ll move in with you, Jack. I wouldn’t want anything more” you kiss him again, now his arms hugging your waist and spinning you in the air. 

“She’s going to move in with me, isn’t it great?” he screams to the random person walking down the streets, and pointing to you, the unknown guy gives him a thumbs up, which makes you laugh “Now let’s say goodbye to your apartment” he kisses you once more, and you can’t contain your smile. 

None of you could be happier. 

[honeytae]

if you’re open for regular requests i’d love to request lil scenarios of the boys learning english alongside their english-speaking s/o! this is totally self-indulgent i’m doing the TEFL program and i’m going to south korea next year to teach :)

first of all, that’s amazing omg!! congratulations my love, i hope you have the best time over there and please don’t be shy in sharing your stories with us!!! i tried to stick to the boys actually learning english with their s/o but i strayed from that with a few members just bc i ran out of ideas lol but i hope you still enjoy!

fair warning....i’ve never ~seriously~ tried to learn korean, so i’m not entirely certain of the parallels between korean and english. i just hope these are wholesome enough to override that lmao

namjoon:

“You know,” Namjoon looked up from his phone, “I understand expanding your vocabulary, but why are there so many weird slang words?”

“Kids these days?” You shrugged, the man chuckling in response before flipping his phone around to show you what had puzzled him.

“If something slaps, that’s...good?” He wondered, watching as you suppressed a smile at the tweet he was showing you.

You could tell by the profile picture that the user was an ARMY, one of the many fan profiles on the platform, and the tweet was written completely in English.

Although there was a ‘Translate to Korean’ option readily available with just a tap of his thumb, you knew Namjoon never missed an opportunity to challenge himself to be able to fully comprehend what a native English speaker was trying to say.

You nearly snorted at the tweet’s content, smiling as you read it out loud.

“The Dis-ease bridge just saved my life. Seriously, this song slaps.”

Glancing at Namjoon, he raised his eyebrows, eagerly waiting for you to translate and explain what that could equate to in Korean.

“It’s definitely a good thing, Joon. They love it.”

At your interpretation, Namjoon grinned, nodding to himself as he pulled his phone back in front of his face to scroll through more reaction tweets to the new album release.

seokjin:

“What the hell is that?”

You picked your head up from your sketchbook when you heard Seokjin whine from beside you, eyebrows knitting together at his distressed tone. Taking a glance over at his laptop screen, you found his mouse bouncing from letter to letter on one of his weekly english lessons.

“What is that, like 15 letters? How do you even use that in a sentence?” He went on, obviously flustered by the word on the screen.

Pulchritudinous.

You placed your hand over his to stop his panicked counting of the letters, causing him to look over at you with a sigh as he frowned.

You nearly giggled at his reaction, but the genuine fear in his eyes made you stifle it as you soothingly held his hands in yours. 

“It’s just an over complicated way of saying beautiful. I don’t know why they’re teaching you that, nobody ever uses it.” You assured him, his eyes going down in size a bit at your words before he nodded.

Watching as a smirk tilted his lips, you raised your brows at the sudden expression.

“What?”

“Well like, I could say I’m...that?” He said, eyebrows raised cockily as he gestured to the long word stretched across the screen.

“Well it’s actually not used like,” you paused, giving in with a shrug as you grinned back at him.

“Sure, love.”

yoongi:

“Why did I skip English class all the time?” Yoongi sighed, pinching his bottom lip between his fingers as he plucked at the skin in frustration.

“Because you were trying to be a rebel.” You answered without looking up from your phone, the man obviously not liking your answer as he reached over to where you were laying beside him to pinch at your hip.

Yelping, you scooted across the mattress to get away from his hand, whining his name with a scoff before looking over at his notepad.

“What are you doing, anyway?” You asked, leaning on your palm as you scanned the rows of scribbled English letters written on the page.

“I’m trying to get better at writing.” He admitted shyly, a small grin on his face to match the fond one on your own. 

“Aw,” you pouted, Yoongi raising his eyebrows at your tone, “but I like your chicken scratch.”

“You’re such a brat.” He chuckled, adjusting the velcro on his brace with a grunt.

Since Yoongi’s shoulder surgery took away obvious straining activities like dancing and performing, he’d turned to studying English from the comfort of your bed during his recovery as one of the only safe activities he could partake in for a while.

It was now one of his favorite past times, learning new words and phrases he could potentially use in the future. It worked for you both because it took his mind off the pain and kept him motivated, and since you could speak both his and your language, you could help him out whenever he got stuck on something.

Usually he did lessons verbally on his phone, but it seemed today he had taken the old fashioned route.

“Your handwriting really isn’t bad, Yoongs.” You observed, the carefully placed tails at the end of each ‘a’ making you smile out of fondness for the man.

“My man has the prettiest handwriting.” You cooed, pushing a strand of his stark black hair out of his eyes as he blushed down at his notebook.

“Stop that.”

hoseok:

“Hey, babe?” Hoseok called for you, listening to your footsteps growing closer before you popped your head into the kitchen doorway.

“Yeah?”

“I’m having a little trouble.” He gestured to his open laptop on the counter, you recognizing it as an assignment from his English course.

“What happened?”

“Pronouns. Pronouns happened.” He pouted, his disdain for the new chapter quite obvious as he stared down his computer screen.

“What about them?” You asked, stepping closer to the man sitting at the kitchen island and placing a reassuring hand on his shoulder.

“I need to make ten sentences using proper pronouns and I feel like I’m doing it all wrong.” He explained, causing you to hum as you looked over his sentences.

“These look great, Hobi.” You smiled as you glanced over the first three he’d written, flawlessly executed on the document.

“Can you help me with the next one?” He wondered, you nodding your head as you took a seat on the stool next to his.

“What do you want the next one to say?” You asked, watching as he glanced off to the side in thought, slightly squinting his eyes at the tile floor beneath the sink.

“My house is next to,” He spoke in English, pausing as he searched his brain for what pronoun to put next.

“Theys?” He answered as more of a question, then shaking his head as he switched back to Korean, “wait, no.” He sighed, placing his chin in his hand in thought before glancing over to you.

“I know it’s wrong, I just don’t know what the right answer is instead.” He explained, you shooting him a loving smile as you pushed the dark raven hair off his forehead and pressed a kiss to the newly revealed skin.

“I’ll help you, Sunshine. No worries.”

jimin:

Flopping onto the bed, you let your tired body fall on top of Jimin’s hoodie clad chest, his arm encircling your body as he mumbled a soft greeting to you.

“Hm, what are you learning about today?” You nuzzled into his chest, peering at his phone propped up on his thigh.

“Animals. Birds, mostly.” He answered, briefly turning from the screen to press a kiss to your head before focusing back on the row of English words matched with pictures of popular birds glowing from the device.

The first was a robin, the next a blue jay, and then a dove.

You listened as the virtual instructor prompted Jimin to repeat after her, spelling out the letters before stating the whole word. You smiled as your boyfriend followed instruction, pronouncing the words the best he could after the microphone chimed for him to do so.

“D-o-v-e. Dove.”

“Dove.” He repeated, smiling to himself as the app announced he got the point with a little heart.

“That’s cute.” He went back to his native language, you humming in confusion as you lifted your head up off his chest to look at him.

“The heart?” You asked, reaching up to twist a stray strand of hair out of his eye as he shook his head.

“Dove.” He said again, making you tilt your head, not knowing what he meant.

“It sounds like ‘love.’” He connected the two English words, you smiling fondly at him in response before scooting up the bed to kiss the tip of his button nose.

“You’re so cute.”

taehyung:

Three knocks at the door announced someone’s arrival to your bedroom, causing your head to lift from the novel you’d been so immersed in. Taehyung was home, but you’d wanted to give him space because you knew he needed to work on lyrics for his mixtape in order to submit them on time. 

“Hey,” he poked his head in with a small smile, “can you help me with something?” He asked sheepishly, stepping further into the room when you nodded.

“Of course. What is it?” You set your book down, marking your place before closing it to pay full attention to your boyfriend.

“Well, I’m trying to write this verse in English and,” he trailed off with a shrug, “you know.” He finished, you nodding in response with a gesture for him to come sit next to you.

He eagerly walked over to you with his notebook in hand, lowering himself to the mattress before rolling his way over to where you were leaning against the headboard.

Honestly, Taehyung’s English wasn’t bad at all. He was insecure about it, but you’d never really understood what the reason for that feeling was. His vocabulary was more than decent, his comprehension was good, and his pronunciation was great for having such a thick accent.

But there were many times where Taehyung came to you for guidance, as you were a native English speaker yourself.

And so, as he rested his head on your shoulder confiding in you about everything he wanted to say and how he wanted to say it, you patiently took him through what would work and rhyme best, smiling as he hummed the melody to himself to see if the phrases would work in his creation.

jungkook:

“Baby, can you read it to me again before we go on? Just one more time.”

You glanced over at your boyfriend in his makeup chair, several employees bustling around the man as they attempted to get him ready to go on stage while they had him seated.

With his arm extended backward to where you stood behind his leather chair, he offered his phone to you while shooting you a grin through the reflection in the mirror.

Taking the device from his hand, you opened it to the notes app where he’d written what he wanted to say in his statement on stage in just a few minutes.

You were in London tonight, which meant that all of the boys had been rehearsing their English so that they could communicate easier with their audience.

Jungkook, ever the over-achiever, was determined to do the toughest English tongue twister he could possibly find. Not only that, but in a British accent for his British ARMY’s.

“Betty bought a bit of better butter to make her bitter butter better.” You read from the phone, barely able to read the sentence yourself before you glanced up at Jungkook through the mirror again.

You watched your boyfriend nod as his brain took in the words you’d just said, taking a deep inhale before he began speaking the phrase back to you.

You gawked as the man effortlessly repeated after you, a few of the makeup artists stopping as well as Jungkook raised his eyebrows back at you.

“Was that okay?”

[mandana-the-service-pup]

TLDR: I’ve had bad experiences with local doctors so I found a nurse practitioner who could be my PCP and manage my disabilities. The appointment was great, the car ride was awful and Mandana stayed home to nap 🐶

Medical trauma in the chronic illness community. (Rant)

I definitely have medical-PTSD from years of bad experiences with doctors. It’s self-diagnosed bc I’m avoiding doctors (duh) but it’s based on my legitimate PTSD diagnosis from unrelated events. This is pretty common for people in the chronic illness community and it makes appointments with medical professionals difficult.

I’m acutely aware of “red flags” that signal a doctor is going to be problematic. They ALL say they want to help and will do everything they can to find answers and there was a time when I was naïve enough to believe them.

Sometimes a doctor is problematic from the start (dismissive, untrusting, jaded, etc)

Other times the first couple appointments are ok but then they get burnout when they realize it’s not a problem they can fix (they become frustrated, accusatory, suspicious, etc)

Even more rare are the doctors who actually understand the complexity of the situation but their hands are tied by the system they work under. They can’t jeopardize their position by pushing for more tests or offering alternative solutions. I’ve actually met drs like this who are completely honest and will call out the injustice of it all. You can tell it’s something they realized too late in their studies and that it hurts them deeply, but it doesn’t make it any less distressing and it usually signals the end of care from that hospital/dept.

After years of grinding through the medical system while being dismissed, accused and experiencing the occasional medical malpractice it’s no wonder people end up with lasting trauma that affect their ability to traverse the medical system.

But todays’ appointment was actually a huge success! (Update)

I’ve previously posted how stressed I was with my current dr/patient situation. I love my specialist. She has all the qualities of a good doctor, as well as the freedom to deep-dive into an individuals’ health because she has her own private practice. The problem is that she is so good she is highly sought after and COVID long-haulers are in desperate need of her time and expertise. I’ve basically reached the end of the program she has available and from here on out it’s mostly management. She does a few things for me out of necessity which require extra effort on her part and it doesn’t make sense for me to tie up her resources. She’s going to continue advising me but I’ve known for a while that I needed to find a primary care provider who could take over management and deal with acute issues.

Since starting my new medication, I’ve finally been given some relief from my debilitating “brain fog” and can start being more proactive. It’s hard to have a productive conversation when you struggle to answer questions or form complete sentences. Combine that with advice I got from my specialist on how to approach a new doctor and it was a great success!

For starters, I didn’t see a doctor at all. My specialist advised me to find a nurse practitioner instead because they tend to be more compassionate and willing to work with you. The only good experiences I’ve had were with either nurse practitioners or doctors who opened their own practice because they got tired of the system. Doctors who stay and try to grind become jaded. They can deny it all they want but it seeps into their conversations and is reflected in their actions.

The third variable that made todays’ appointment a success has to do with where I’m at in my medical journey. I have my official diagnosis from a respected medical professional. I’ve done the research, the tests, the trials. We aren’t experimenting anymore. I know what works, why it works and I can prove it. Now I just need someone local who can accept that and is willing to continue the management.

So with all this preparation, I was able to go in there confident. I asked how many minutes I had and then I used the allotted time to map out exactly why I was there. I needed someone to give me referrals, prescribe me medications and address acute and chronic health concerns. There were a few times I had to go into details about what a particular disorder was, how it affected me or how a medication worked and that wouldn’t have been possible if I was struggling with brain fog. But because I came prepared everything ran smoothly and I got (almost) everything I needed.

Rheumatologist appointment

Geneticist appointment

Thyroid Ultrasound appointment

Follow-up appointment with my new PCP

Rx for most of my medications (excluding fludrocortisone & LDN which she was inexperienced with and allocated to the rheumatologist or my specialist)

Based on our conversation, I think she probably has some patients with POTS (I’m not sure about the other disorders). She certainly wasn’t experienced but there were some good indications that she acknowledges the difficulties POTS patients have getting care. She is comfortable maintaining management as long as I have the guidance of an expert and to be honest that’s about as good as you can hope for in our current medical system.

What about Mandana?

I made the right decision leaving Mandana behind.

She certainly would have been helpful. Instead of relying on her to monitor me and alert, I had to bring my blood pressure cuff and check my vitals every couple minutes. There were a few times I had to find a place to lie down because my heart was causing problems. Even the doctor noted she could hear a murmur which was a first for me.

But the 30 minute commute was so brutal on me that alone would have stressed her out. I’ve always struggled with severe motion sickness and it’s only gotten worse as my health has declined. So having to take a Lyft to and from the hospital was the worst $60 I’ve ever spent. I don’t drive much and Hubbins has adapted his driving to accommodate me. Tbh the drivers were probably average, but I was still left in shambles.

When I got to the hospital I was almost late to my appointment because I had to lie down in the lobby to recover before I could get on the elevator and before leaving, I stopped by the Pediatric department to pick up some vomit bags. I’m glad I did but I couldn’t bring myself to use them in a strangers car so I asked to get dropped off a block away. Hubbins got off work minutes before I stumbled my way into the parking lot. It was worse than either of us expected and seeing me in such a miserable state was enough to convince him to take time off for future appointments.

So yeah, Mandana would have been stressed from the start and I wouldn’t have been in a position to manage her properly. I wouldn’t have had such a successful appointment and I imagine the ride home would have really damaged our working relationship. It’s better that she was asleep in her crate for a few hours and then reunited with me enthusiastically when I got home. Someday we will be able to handle that kind of challenge as a team but we aren’t there yet and that’s ok.

[artemissoteira]

anyway, I only actually died from fucking up in two of those fights I'm pretty sure. the double team felt bad bc I had been doing really well with the first machine including systematically getting components, but the death was earned by my panicking lmao so I don't really hold it against them & I did get all the components the second time too albeit more messily. however it heralded much worse things to come.

the shellsnapper I deliberately allowed to kill me bc I kept trying to use the shredder, as the dialogue insistently told me to, and kept having a really really bad time and had used all my potions and berries that I wouldn't have otherwise and felt awful and angry and frustrated. so I let the turtle beat me to death so that I could start over and ignore the shredder, and then I did ok. I realize I'm so mad about it bc I am categorically awful at the shredder and don't understand it and I don't like being bad at things in a way that feels like I can't improve. and part of that's on me, but I also do want to know who on earth thought a boss fight was an acceptable way to introduce the mechanic. at least have the decency to give me something without ranged attacks to try and learn on.

the rockbreaker I fought I think was the stronger version so I'll give myself some credit on how rough a fight it was. altho in retrospect I don't think that was part of a quest I think I was just nearby and decided to punish myself bc my hubris knows no bounds and I thought it would be fun to do well at. but those fuckers LOVE to pop their heads up and spit rocks at you and then disappear. I did not do very well, but I did get there finally and then I opted out of a rebel camp encounter bc I do love myself.

I also almost died to snapmaws TWICE, also from hubris, bc I was like well I survived five bosses today so I can handle this no problem. reader, I was wrong. two of them pinned me in a hallway and it felt SO bad bc it was entirely my fault and I was so upset. this was shortly after almost getting murdered by three burrowers (literally the most basic enemy in the game) bc I was like oh melee will be fine here. almost immediately afterward I died from fall damage in a way that mostly not even my fault - I was impatient from all the frustration and made a jump that was clearly in range but didn't proc the auto target, and still let me jump, and then didn't let me recover at all on the way down despite passing fully dozens of grips + trying to hit the shieldwing. thankfully my last quest step autosave was after the snapmaws or I would fully have quit.

my current path has me headed for stalkers next. I might need to reevaluate and maybe go do some ruins instead lmao now I don't trust any of my quests even the low level ones. this is a fun game I swear