#much love to those who sent me messages.... i will respond to them.... next year!! ha ha ha . . .

[calemakart]

some old cales i found cleaning up my files :) happy new year !!

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

WIBTA For Snitching On My Brother?

tl;dr at the end, the submissions a bit long. sorry if this sounds like stupid teen drama, but i needed outside opinions. (tw for mentions of attempted suicide)

so for a bit of context here, me (14nb) and my brother (14m) both have Parental RestrictionsTM on our phones. In my opinion they are way more severe than they need to be. i am not allowed to have any social media at all, my mother barely tolerates discord. I cannot text anyone who is not my direct sibling or parent from 9pm at night to noon the next day and i cant use any "nonessential" apps during that time frame too. my brother has the same restrictions on his phone, but he has safari removed because my mother said he was playing "random internet games". however, he has found ways around this and ways around the app restrictions. i know how he does it. i really dont have any intention of telling our mother, its none of my business and i honestly dont care that much.

I recently moved to a new school. My brother and i were homeschooled prior to this during covid. And it was fine. We went to a homeschool co-op twice a week. A year ago we were both enrolled in Local Community College as dual enrollment students. A semester into that i was Not Vibing Well and ended up having a breakdown and getting a therapist. I would talk to her directly about this but i havent been able to see her in weeks due to scheduling conflicts. The workload seemed too much to me, there was no longer a distinction between School and Home. i felt like i was constantly on the clock, and i barely saw my friends. In addition to other factors at my co-op, I got very lonely. At that time the limits on my phone were 9pm-3pm (it was later edited to 9am to noon) . I cant remember exactly what happened, but i asked my mother to at least change the communication limits so that i could talk to my friends during the day. She said no, stating that I Do Not Need to Communicate With Friends During The School Day. i do not have a real “school day” i am at home basically 5/7 days of the week. And normal kids see their friends every day at school. The argument got dropped then.

Fast forward half a year, i felt increasingly lonely, out of place, bothersome, etc, at my co-op and have decided to try going to Local Public Highschool. This meant leaving my best friend (14f)  whom i love dearly (for the purposes of this post i will call her Z). Z is one of my favorite people in the whole world, we got platonically married, I lovingly refer to her as “my wife”, and i would genuinely die for her. She got a phone over the summer which means we have a better way to communicate, replacing discord as the primary communication system. Also at that time one of my best online friends fucked up their discord account somehow and the whole online group moved to text. there's about four of them? J, Other J, B, and L (ages vary from 12-16). I believe only B is directly relevant to this story but the others are worth mentioning. Additional context (tw for mentions of suicide from now on), all of those four are varyingly suicidal. B has attempted before, at least twice I believe. out of the group i am probably the most mentally stable.

School starts! I am already feeling a bit lonely due to leaving Z but we stay positive. I wake up for school at like 530 and check my phone at like 6:45. Woohoo a message from B! It was sent at 4 am. This is concerning. There is a glitch that i can use in order to view texts for between half a second and four seconds, it depends, and i use it. B’s message reads “Bye”. theres no fucking reason that they would be texting me goodbye at 4am in the morning unless they were going to kill themselves. I cannot properly view or respond to that text until noon, so eight hours. I wait to know if my friend is ok for eight hours, and at noon i check my phone again. In that time i’ve received messages from the groupchat. J, Other J, and L all received “bye” texts from B at around the same time period. After a few messages, we know B is ok, i dmed them privately and they responded both in ims and the gc. So they are ok. But i had to wait for eight hours to know that. Later that day i asked my mom if she had considered my proposal (i asked her a day or two before if she would at least turn off communication limits because it is also rather embarrassing to be honest to have to tell other people that oh i cant respond to your message right now, sorry my mom has limits on my phone :D. In addition i get anxious when i send a message that im nervous abt and it doesnt get responded to for hours so i hate leaving messages for longer than two hours). Once again, she said no. it goes against her Views As A Parent for me to have “unrestricted access” to my phone. She offered to add only Z to the list of people i can contact during the limits. This is better than nothing but Z texts more in the groupchat than she does in private messages so it wouldn’t work that well. We argued, it didnt work out, i got pissed off and we both went to bed. i very strongly feel that for like my mental health i need to be able to communicate with my friends better than i can at the moment. And i dont want to wake up to a message from a friend, have it be the last one they ever send, and not be able to respond for hours. 

Heres where the part where i could be an asshole comes in. (so sorry that that was really long i didnt know what parts would be needed as context and what were not so i just typed everything i think might be relevant). This isnt something that i am very strongly considering, as i truly dont want to fuck up my relationship with my brother and i love him a lot. I just want opinions on whether it would like be going too far i guess. I am considering offering a trade. I tell my mother how my brother has found ways around his limits, and she turns off the communication limits on my phone. WIBTA if i did that?

TL;DR: would i be the asshole if i snitched on how my brother got around some restrictions in exchange for me being able to communicate with my friends?

What are these acronyms?

[differenteagletragedy]

Cove isn't the stepdad, he's the dad who stepped up: Baxter's POV

A companion story (lol) to my silly little series about MC ending up with Cove after Baxter impregnated her in Step 3 then disappeared. Baxter is their wedding planner, finds out about the kid, and angsty ensues.

But like so much angst. An absurd amount, really.

Latest part of the series here, with links to the first two!

Baxter was a deeply pathetic man -- he knew that. He'd never tried to fool himself into believing any different.

He had countless reasons for hating himself, but none of them cut quite as deeply as being reunited with you and learning about what he could have had.

The pain came in waves -- seeing you after all this time was the knife to his heart, and every additional detail was a twist of the blade. You were with Cove. And you were beautifully, hopelessly in love with him. And you were getting married.

But if all that pain was a knife, then learning that you'd had a child and piecing together that that child was his? That was a landmine. It blew him to pieces.

It happened so quickly, and he could tell you hadn't meant to tell him. After hearing that you and Cove had a son, he'd only asked how old he was. It didn't take a scholar to work out the math -- with his age, there was no way he wasn't the father.

Usually so quick witted, he'd completely frozen at the realization. Before he could unthaw himself, you and Cove had left his office, and he was alone. As always.

He finished the rest of his workday in a haze, and he must have driven himself home safely because the next thing he knew, he was unlocking the door to his apartment.

The thing was that it was just such a deeply ironic mess -- if he was truly honest with himself, a real family was really all he'd ever wanted. And to think that he could have possibly had that with you and a baby, a little piece of him and you that he could have watched grow and learn and change and love, but he didn't even give himself the chance because he'd convinced himself long ago that he didn't deserve it ... it was maddening.

After a bit of restless wandering, Baxter pulled out his phone and found your contact information. Even though he'd never responded to your attempts to reach out or even read the texts you'd sent, he never brought himself to delete your number.

"Please call me, it's important," you'd written about a month after he left. There were a few of those -- "seriously, call me," "Pick up the phone, I need to talk to you," "I really really need you to talk to me."

The last message you'd sent was the longest and was sent a couple of months later. In that one, you'd told him that you were pregnant, that the baby was his, and that you were scared and didn't know what to do. The desperate plea had been in his phone for nearly five years.

He put the phone back in his pocket.

Baxter didn't sleep last night, instead opting to drink coffee and ruminate on what could have been -- a familiar pastime. At one point he ended up in his guestroom, imagining it with a crib and then a toddler bed, maybe a twin bed now if the boy was big enough. Toys on the floor, tiny little clothes in the drawer. He imagined himself kneeling on the floor here, playing with his son or telling him bedtime stories. He imagined standing in the doorway with you, watching him fall asleep before heading to bed together.

In reality, it was a guestroom that had never and would never see any guests -- another testament to how pitiful he was.

It was a nice, bittersweet break from reality while it lasted.

He was on the balcony, looking mindlessly over the city when his alarm went off on his phone. He stumbled back inside and got ready for work. By the time his shift was over and he gotten back to his empty apartment, he was almost delirious, and so naturally that's when he decided it would be a good idea to call you.

"Hello?" you answered.

"Hello," Baxter replied, willing himself to sound calm and relaxed.

"I'm sorry we left like that yesterday, but everything is fine," you told him. "I'm still not sure when we'll be able to reschedule our appointment, if you still even want --"

He cut you off as politely as possible, saying, "I actually wasn't calling about the wedding, if that's all right."

In a stilted, scared voice he was sure sounded ridiculous, he tried to ask about your son. He didn't want to outright ask what he wanted to know, but you were able to pick up on what he was getting at.

And you, understandably, were furious.

He listened as you tore him apart for leaving you like he did and for ignoring you after. You sounded like you were as angry as if it had happened five days ago, not five years, but considering the seriousness of the circumstances, he didn't think that was that unusual.

You called him a coward. He didn't say anything, but he knew you were right.

At the end, all he could do was apologize. He'd wanted to know the truth, but he hadn't thought about what to do with it once he'd gotten it.

Somehow, he had the nerve to ask for a picture.

You were always nicer to him than you should have been, and so seconds later, he heard his phone ping in his hand. He pulled it down and opened the message you'd sent, and there it was.

Baxter took in the photo, as painful as it was. The boy in the picture had dark hair, warm brown eyes and he noticed a small mole on his wrist -- he'd noticed it because he had one there as well. The resemblance was undeniable. This was his son.

He wasn't aware he'd started crying until he heard the sounds he was making. Even then, he was lost in the picture you'd sent, another wave of what could have been washing over him. What if he knew this boy? What if he'd called him Dad?

Your voice cut through his thoughts, and he heard you say, "I have to go. Dylan is waking up from his nap."

"His name is Dylan?" he asked.

"Yes. I ... I'll talk to you later, I guess," you replied, then hung up.

At that, he sunk to the floor, letting his phone drop somewhere beside him. He wasn't sure if seeing the boy and learning his name had made it better or worse. Then again, he couldn't really imagine feeling worse.

Utterly exhausted in every conceivable way, Baxter eventually picked himself off the ground and made his way into his bedroom. He peeled his clothes off and climbed under the covers of his bed, willing sleep to take him immediately. He wasn't that lucky.

Instead, he laid in the quiet, the last light of the day streaming through the windows. He laid on his side and put a hand on the empty space beside him, just under the extra pillow that was there for no one.

He closed his eyes and imagined you there, your skin just as warm and as soft as when he last felt it. He pictured his arm around you, rising and falling with your breath, and that imaginary movement was enough to lull him to sleep.

[lucky-bishop]

Alright, to be honest, I've been kind of dreading making this post. I've posted it before and then deleted it, and deleted a whole bunch of drafts. Just. I'm going to talk about taking things in good faith. Please do the same for me.

I am not on hiatus, or taking a break, from writing or fandom. It has been less than a month since I last posted on AO3. And I have received several comments and anonymous messages all along the lines of: do I have anything coming out soon? When will I post again? What am I working on? What's next, what's next, what's next?

I am just a human person who engages in fandom as a hobby. I work full-time (and then some, these days) and I go to the gym and I have friendships to maintain and I have a family that I care about and spend time with and I have other hobbies that I try to dedicate time to as well. And to be honest it's overwhelming and I am flying by the seat of my pants and sometimes I want to do nothing at all but lay on the floor and cry.

I don't think these messages and comments are meant to make me feel bad. I am choosing to take them in good faith, because it's fun to see that people are engaged with my writing! I am so fucking grateful that there is anyone out there in the world who cares that I post anything at all! But a lot of the time it comes of as pressuring.

I don't make promises about deadlines or regular updates or anything for a reason, because I'm just a person. And to be honest, 2023 has been one of the worst goddamn years of my life so far, or at the very least, one of the most stressful. But, I post on here! I talk about my works in progress! You can also find me on Discord (if you're curious about where, I am part of both the Always the Alpha and Stiles Shipping Central servers) talking about this stuff! I do my best to communicate and promote and all that jazz.

So. All this to say, I'm not going anywhere. And I'm happy to get questions about the projects that I'm working on and share about them. I guess I'm just asking that people be mindful that some of these messages may come across as pressure/demanding/entitlement. The reason I didn't answer any of the asks directly (or deleted those responses) is because I'm not saying this to try to make anyone feel bad, but just to explain how some of it has been making me feel. PLEASE, if you have sent me something like this and I didn't respond, do NOT feel bad about it! Like I said, I am SO grateful for having any interaction about my stuff at all, seriously, I mean that from the bottom of my fucking heart.

I love you all so much and I love having fun and being a part of fandom. But I'm also just a person. A little grace would be appreciated 💖

[goaliekisses]

So no, Malkin’s actual 1,000th NHL game wasn’t accompanied by a celebratory vibe. Instead, it was another game played without his parents, one in which he wasn’t the star attraction but rather a supporting actor.

This isn’t how it should have been for Malkin. But just as he was once inexplicably left off the NHL’s own list of its 100 greatest players — a decision that none other than Mario Lemieux called “a joke,” a snub that Malkin said “hurt me deeply” — Malkin was left to play his historic 1,000th game largely in the shadows, which is where he’s spent much of his career.

And Malkin, probably more than any all-time player, certainly more than any player to do as much as he’s done, deserved a day in the spotlight for his 1,000th game. He certainly deserved to feel better about making it to this grand achievement.

“I agree,” Malkin said a few weeks ago. “But it’s not my control.

“Maybe you can write?”

During Malkin’s first season, we spent many days getting to know one another by engaging in short, seemingly unimportant conversations. Topics ranged from what he ate for breakfast to why he used such a short hockey stick. Those short talks led to deeper dives down the road.

More than a decade later, on my second trip to Moscow to visit Malkin for work, he stopped one of our interviews to thank me for “writing Geno stories.”

“You’ve been good for me,” Malkin said.

Actually, it’s Malkin who has been good for me. He’s been there for me, too.

Around a year ago this time, I was sick and couldn’t work because of the sudden onset of Functional Neurological Disorders. At the same time, Malkin was finishing his recovery from a second major knee surgery. Monitoring his comeback attempt from afar, mostly through updates from Gonchar and Malkin’s wife, I realized my condition would not afford me the chance to see Malkin’s return game. So I did something I try not to do too much and reached out directly to Malkin during a season — to wish him well, but also to let him know how happy I was for him to be back doing what he loved.

I could barely speak but couldn’t write, so I sent him the best video I could.

A Penguins employee sent me an email the next day. In it was an explanation that Malkin had received my message, but was focusing on his own recovery at the time.

A few days later, Malkin reached out himself. He explained he didn’t know how to respond to seeing a video of me stuttering and shaking. He said it rattled him. He said he was worried about me. He also offered to “help in every way.”

I couldn’t let him, of course. We’ve probably too often inched too close to the line that should divide a reporter and an athlete. To accept help financially from Malkin would have been wrong.

Still, I’d be lying to say his gesture didn’t mean the world to me. In fact, it largely inspired me to be public about my disorder and attack it — just as Evgeni had always attacked things in his life.

He didn’t cede to either Ovechkin or Crosby upon arriving in the NHL, but rather Malkin challenged them — and for a brief spell surpassed both — in their three-man arms race to become the world’s best hockey player.

He’s worn his heart on his sleeve after professional setbacks, whether they be injuries, tough team losses or personal failures to produce up to his standard. He’s taken fair criticisms and turned them into strengths, which is how Malkin went from not knowing the names of some teammates in his first few years to now being alongside Crosby now as a Penguins leader.

What we see isn’t often what we get with Malkin, because he uses his “Geno” character as a form of protection. Some people are lucky enough to have witnessed Evgeni, and that guy is a proud, loyal, determined, funny and caring emotional player and person.

Despite all the imperfections surrounding his 1,000th game that could imply otherwise, Malkin has always been more than The Other for the Penguins and for Pittsburgh.

can’t believe r*ssi is attacking us like this

[kaylapocalypse]

Hello!! This may be a bit of a long-shot, but you're a published and fairly successful author that I know how to contact, and I love The Wicker King..

You can respond to this via this ask or direct messages (or not at all!) Whatever you're comfortable with.

I'm in a position where I really need to start seriously thinking about my future career, and the one I'm leaning towards the most at the moment is a creative writer. I love it, and it's one of my strong suits... but the field is not known for being easy to navigate.

You clearly have experience, so I was wondering if you could shed some light on what I would need to do if I decide to be serious about pursuing this?

What does the publication process look like, how do you support yourself financially (is it substantial?), what courses did you take in college (if at all), and how did you get your name out there?

Being an author is a plan/dream I had years ago and had since given up on, but after two years of chasing a different passion, I'm starting to waver again on what I should do...

So, I was wondering if you could tell me about your experience in the writing/book industry; if you're comfortable of course!

Thank you for your time and I hope you have a nice day!

My apologies for taking so long to answer this, I had to think very hard about what I wanted to say.

I think the most important thing for you to know is that it takes about 10 years before most creative writers--novelists especially--are able to live off their craft. And that's not even factoring in the metrics of chance.

I don't mean this as a dissuasion of any kind. Its just very important to me that you enter this field with this understanding. Most authors have a second job, in particular, most authors are either teachers or attorneys for some reason (especially romance novelists, chock full of attorneys) quite a few authors also work at call centers (low effort job that allows for tons of energy for personal time) and another subset are just RICH PEOPLE.

I myself started out as a call center author and then I married someone kind of Well Off. Without them I might not be able to do nearly as much writing as I do.

The biggest thing I want you to be doing right now is picking a secondary "job" that will allow you to write for long enough that you are able to get to that 10 year time when you can retire your first job and get into your writing career. I know 10 years sounds like a long time, but I graduated at 22 and only now as a 32 year old are things starting to fall into place. Think of it like becoming a doctor. Those 10 years are med school and residency.

The next thing that I think is important is that you develop a strong relationship with constructive criticism and stamina.

Here are the three things that kill potential authors early and stop their potential careers on the spot

Being too scared to share their work with as many people as possible. Especially people they do not know. Getting opinions on your work (notably bad ones) lets you learn much quicker how to fix issues. You'll grow much faster as a writer if you're open to harsh opinions and open to sharing your work.

Thinking that because someone doesn't like your book, they don't like YOU. Art is so personal and its really difficult for a huge amount of people to jump this emotional hurdle. What helps is thinking about your favorite artists and authors and whether you like every single thing they ever created. Chances are, you just like /most/ of it. What you really like is THEM. I know of at least 4 people I'm online friends with on twitter who have hated every single book I ever wrote but think my twitter is absolutely hilarious. And people who love my books to pieces but think I'm so extremely annoying and have me blocked on twitter lmao. Its just product, its just a macaroni necklace. Its ok.

Thinking because they aren't having a Wunderkind Experience that they're a failure and give up too early. I recently met a guy who sent out 20 query letters and didn't hear back from all of them and got so bitter he threw an online tantrum (that likely got him blacklisted) and swore not to try trad publishing ever again. 20 queries is nothing. I personally sent out 80 and queried for about 7 months and I absolutely had what people describe as "a Cinderella experience." A lot of other people are like...., 27 and are like "ohhh im too old to be an author... there are so many young authors" meanwhile, if you go to any major conference, all the authors there are like 45-65 years old and there's like 10 people in their 20s-early 30s and everyone treats you like an interesting baby. Getting bitter and insecure about this is the quickest way to lose hope and squash your OWN dreams for literally no reason.

As for the publication process, I have a few links for you:

This last link will be very important to you later, so please save it to your computer. The first two are just informative stuff about the process.

If you have any more questions or want me to talk more about anything I've mentioned here, feel free to send them my way!

[invisibleraven]

Texting each other cute pics, sweet tarts!

Carrie glanced down as her phone chimed, a welcome break from cramming from her Economics final. Smiling wide as she saw it was from Reggie who was on tour with the Phantoms right now, the weeks between now and him coming home an aching void between them.

Only when she opened the message, it was a picture of Reggie with the laughing Chewbacca face.

Carrie: I regret teaching you about Snapchat filters

Reggie: You love it baby doll, don't front

Carrie rolled her eyes, even though he couldn't see it. But yes, she did love it; loved how goofy and carefree her boy was. How he brought those traits out in her, usually so serious and driven.

In that vein she sent him back a picture of the stuffed pink unicorn he won for her, sitting on her bed next to the little Build a Bear in a red flannel that he had gifted her for their one year anniversary.

Carrie: Lady Fluffikins and Bearinald miss you

Reggie: Just them?

Carrie: And maybe me, just a little.

Reggie texted back a picture of his actual face, an overexaggerated pout on it, but there was mirth shining in those green eyes, a faint flush to his cheeks that never seemed to fade.

Carrie: Maybe a lot. But i also have a test to study for and I don't need your cuteness distracting me.

Reggie: Call you later then?

Carrie sent back a thumbs up emoji, followed by a selfie of her blowing him a kiss, then went back to her books. The semester was almost over, and once it was... well the temptation to join Reggie for the last part of the tour was getting too great for her to resist.

Until then she survived on cutsey messages, goofy selfies, the odd shot of interesting landmarks or stuff he saw along the way. In return she sent him pictures of latte art, random dogs she saw, and always a selfie back.

Then a shot of her Economics textbook in the garbage after she finished her final, which got a picture of him laughing back.

She did not send him a picture of her ticket to the state he was in-wanting to be a surprise. She did send it to Flynn though, to make sure someone could get her from the airport.

Instead she sent him the cover of the book she brought on the flight, one he had been trying to get her to read for ages, getting a picture of his worn copy in return. A shot of the blue sky before she boarded the plane, with him showing her the skyline of Chicago.

Carrie: I gotta bunch of errands to catch up on now that exams are over, so if I don't respond don't worry.

Reggie: I'll try, but you know I always worry when we're apart. Only a few more weeks. Love you!

Carrie sent the same back, trading their usual heart hand selfies before shutting off her phone.

The flight was long and boring, the food bland and unappealing. But Chicago welcomed her like a hug, being that much closer to Reggie.

She couldn't contain her smile as she watched him from the wings of the stage, and when he finally saw her after their bows?

His face was worth a thousand words-she just hoped someone got a picture.

[shmackhaystack]

The Queen and Her Levi- Chapter 1: The Debt

King!Levi Ackerman x fem!reader

Description:

"All my life I have never known what it was like to love someone, if anything, really. Until I met you, and everything changed, you brat."

"Reader" has a name, if you don't like it, then change it to your own, the world is your oyster.

Will contain VERY mature and triggering content. Viewer discretion is advised and minors please DNI.

Posted on Tumblr April 2024, also on Wattpad. If you would like to message me please feel free! I would appreciate and encourage any feedback, as well as messages if you are wanting more! Hope you enjoy.

Prologue here!

Next chapter here ;)

[word count: 3.4k]

Chapter 1: The Debt

Levi woke up in the master bedroom of his castle within wall Sina, alone, as usual. A lot of the time he has occasional women who he decides to use for the night, whom he sends away after getting what he sent them there for. Most of them fall in love with him and wish in their heart they could marry him and become his queen. Their wishes were always just dreams, though, Levi did not care much about who he slept with nor what they wanted. He was frustrated, only feeling like he needs the pleasure of sex but feeling nothing more emotional than that. 

Most of the time he wishes he could feel like sex meant something to him, but it never did. 29 years old and he never felt anything. Was it his mind? Does he think it's something messed up in his brain that he thinks he could never feel any different when it comes to some girl in his bed. Who knew, and who cares. He had a kingdom to run.

He thought he was alone, in fact, most of the time he preferred it, but he turns to see a girl in his bed. Ah, of course. It was the handmaiden who he ran into after an all-nighter of paperwork and research, he was honestly disgusted with himself. 

"Why are you still here?" he says, to blonde haired girl who he doesn't remember the name of.

"Sorry... I was just leaving" she responds.

"I thought I told you to leave right afterwards-"

"Sorry, your Grace, I just thought-"

"Thought what?" he snaps, with a more passive tone than usual. 

The girl looked at him with fear, as he stared her down and gets up to put his clothes back on and get in the shower. She doesn't say thing, too petrified to answer. She knew it didn't mean anything, she knew that the King didn't give less of a rat's ass about what she felt. He didn't even look at her as he got dressed. She attempted not to cry as she got up, put on her handmaiden dress and walked out, without a single glance from the man who was just inside her the night before.

Levi took his daily morning shower and got dressed into his fancy clothes, ready to put on a show to those he couldn't give less of a shit about. 

"Morning, your Grace!" says the Military Police guards who watch his bedroom door every night.

He doesn't respond. He walks by with his casual stoic expression that engrains everyone's mind every once in a while.

As he walks by people to get toward his office, he sees all of them looking and bowing to him as if he was some sort of God. He wasn't a God, he was just a man. A man who somehow managed to become the King of the life as we know it. As if everyone knows, this is the only life in existence, nobody around him knew if there was life beyond the walls or if this was it. If they were stuck in a nightmare that was impossible to escape. 

Levi always dressed professionally and casually, except for when he was in his Scout uniform, he was a clean and professional person anyway. Nobody would ever see him look his worst, nobody would ever see him cry or look like he's been defeated, he refused.

As he walked to his office for his meeting with Commander Nile Dok of the Military Police and Commander Keith Sadis of the Scout Regiment, he runs into one of his closest colleagues, Section Commander Hange Zoe. 

"Leviiiiiii!!!" Hange says with passion. She didn't bother to call him 'your Grace' or 'my King' because it didn't matter to her. Whatever she says to him, he wouldn't punish her anyway. 

"Huh?" he says without looking at her. "I got somewhere to be."

"With Nile, right?" she responds. He actually looks at her with confusion. Hange shouldn't know about his meetings with commandments she has nothing to do with. 

"Yeah, about that," she continues. "It's about Dan Reiss."

The thought of that name made him fuel with rage, but he hides his anger deep inside him. Everyone he is surrounded with knows that he can visibly get angry, almost furious like he is about to murder everyone around him, but he stays calm this time. 

"What happened now?" Levi questions with a sigh. 

He knows all too well the name of Dan Reiss. A nobleman who is particularly rich within the walls. He has two other brothers as he knows, but never met them at all. Dan Reiss was the only Reiss who actually had a relationship with King Levi. They didn't make much of a friendship, but they had a particular type of business relationship after all. Reiss' money was scarce for a long time, and with his power hungriness, it became almost nonexistent. 

Dan Reiss is an alcoholic, and gambler. He spends most of his days drinking or playing poker at the local village next to his estate, without a care of the world towards his caretakers of his land or even his only daughter. He believed that his money and status would save him from anything. Though, when it came to his relationship with the King, he didn't have much luck anymore. 

"So, yeah" Hange laughs. "He's absolutely bankrupt! All the money he owed you is gone, I think?"

He looked at her with furious rage. Why did this man get to him so much? He was a nobody. Levi had all the money in the world yet this man continues to aggravate him to his limit. Maybe it was the reason that Dan Reiss had claimed numerous times that he would pay him back, and that he would help the kingdom with the constant famine and poverty that lies within it. Not to mention the orphans that continued to roam the street unwanted, the thought of all those kids out there with no family makes his blood boil. There was plenty of men and women who owed him money, but he didn't give them a second glance. For Levi, his anger was all put towards Dan Reiss. He kept betraying Levi at every turn, and Dan was going to pay for it. 

Levi gathered up all of his closest comrades and guards to his office. He didn't care about what he had to do that day with other political business that he secretly couldn't care less about. He was ready to storm Reiss' front door and make him pay for what he owes. 

Erwin Smith, commander of the scout regiment. Hange Zoe, section commander of the scout regiment. Hange's assistant, Moblit Berner. Nile Dok, commander of the Military Police, and all of his closest guards had agreed to accompany Levi on his trip to Dan Reiss' estate. 

Dan's estate was within a safe haven village of wall Rose, it took about half a day to ride there on a horse. Levi still didn't understand why he chose to pursue this man. It wasn't much for him anyway, Levi was rich, the most powerful man in existence for all that everyone around him knew. He didn't need to pursue anybody, maybe it was fate, because it led him to something he never thought he would ever be led to. 

It took longer than expected to arrive at Dan's estate. Levi with his many guards and colleagues arrived on the land of Dan Reiss's estate. With roughly 20 some men surrounding the estate, with Levi and Erwin at the front. Levi's eyes looked more upsetting than usual, which makes Erwin look at him in curiosity. Even Erwin didn't understand what Levi's motive was. Perhaps Levi was done with people taking advantage of him.

He stops at the front of the estate. Putting his hand up to let his men know to halt. He looks up at the estate to see the man himself looking at all of the royal men at his doorstep. Surprised, and drunk, Dan Reiss gets up from his seat on the porch deck of his estate, absolutely shocked to see the King himself with his men glaring at him on his property. 

He walks towards the men, stumbling and not being able to see clearly. He stands there without saying anything.

"Lord Reiss!" Erwin Smith says loud enough for everyone on the land to hear. "May we have a moment?"

Levi says nothing, he just stares the poor man down with his familiar stoic glare. Dan is terrified, though can sense why Levi and his men are here at his doorstep. 

"Your Grace!" Dan says with excitement. "Wasn't expecting ya!" 

Levi stops his silence. "Reiss, you and I both know that this isn't a friendly visit. Why do you continue to defy me?" 

Dan is absolutely terrified at this point. He knows why Levi is here. His gambling addiction has finally gotten the best of him. He used all the money he meant to sent to the King to use for himself. He doesn't even try anymore, he knows that him and his power are now gone. He expects execution. He expects a brutal beating from Levi until his brains are on the ground. He drops his glass of whiskey that he poured 5 minutes before they arrived. He gave up.

"I know why you're here, King Levi" Dan says quietly. 

"Do you now?" Levi says. Erwin and his men look at Levi and expect the worst. Levi walks toward Dan while he sits there defeated. Dan is ready for Levi's wrath, he doesn't expect any less of him.

"You owe me a debt." Levi continues. He pulls out his knife from the sheath stationed on his right hip, damn, it was sharp. 

That is when a girl he had never seen before walks out of the large house, with a basket of fruit to harvest. She looks at Levi and all of his men with confusion, wondering why the hell they are at her doorstep confronting her father. She continues to look at these men, and looks at her father as if she's asking a question without words, but looks right back at the King.

Levi's eyes widen. He did not expect to see a young girl during all of this confrontation that was about to be violent. She is wearing a casual dress, a pink and white layered outfit that seems to be soft silk fabric. It looks like something that would be worn when doing yard work or handling cattle. He doesn't take her eyes off her as she looks with confusion at him and his men. She puts down the bucket and looks right back at her father.

"What the hell is this?" the girl says. 

"Go back inside, honey." Dan responds. 

The girl doesn't do what she's told, she continues to look back at all the men who look like they are from the royal side of town and glares at them. 

"I'm sorry?" Levi interrupts, "Who is this, Reiss?"

Dan Reiss hesitates to respond at first, but knows that he is screwed either way. "Your Grace, this is my daughter, Asuna. She manages most of the work around here."

Levi sits there listening to every word. His eyes do not leave the girl in question. She looks back at him, not with lust, but with disgust. He isn't used to a girl looking at him like that. He wasn't used to someone not looking at him with fear or desire. Most of all, he wasn't used to being fascinated by a girl he has never seen before. 

Few seconds after she walked out of the house, another young man comes from behind the estate with a rake and some yard supplies. He stops in shock and quickly runs up to Asuna and stands next to her in a protective stance. 

Asuna had emerald green eyes that glowed in the sunlight, her dirty blonde hair was put up in a side braid that went down past her shoulders. The bags under her eyes made it look like she didn't get much sleep. She must be working nonstop on the estate and the land that came with it. She must be too overworked while her alcoholic of a father sits back on his ass and drinks day and night. She was a short girl, Levi guessed that she was slightly shorter than him. 

Dan stops and turns to his daughter. "Honey, I really think you should go back inside," he continues. "This isn't something you want to see." 

"You got in more trouble, didn't you? What the fuck did you do?!" she shouts at him. "And who the hell is this?"

Levi is shocked at her boldness, her strength, he doesn't think anyone had disrespected or stood up to him like this before. 

"You better watch your mouth, girl!" Nile Dok shouts at the girl for her defiance. "You're talking to the ki-"

"Nile- stop" Levi cuts him off. "If the girl wants to act that way then let her, it won't do her much good anyway." He smirks at her. She immediately backs off and continues to glare at this so called King of the Walls. 

Asuna didn't need Nile to finish his sentence, him about to say that she was speaking to the King gave her the answer to her question already. She realizes her mistake and quickly backs off, refusing to give eye contact any longer to Levi or his men. Though the expression on her face showed that she was more angry than scared. She denies her father's wishes for her to go back in the house, she just steps back and stands next to the unknown boy who appeared shortly after her. 

"Your Grace," Dan speaks up. "If you're going to arrest me, chop off my head, torture me, because of my poor actions, please, just do it already." He pleads with an almost crying emotion to his voice. "Just don't hurt my daughter." 

Asuna looks at her dad with a silent plea, tears forming in her pretty green eyes. The unknown man who stood next to her put his arm around her as she attempted not to cry, she didn't want to look weak. She was taught by her father and others in her life to be strong. Despite her external strength, deep inside she doesn't know what to do at this point. If this raven haired man who stormed her property was the King, then there was nothing she could do to change her father's fate. Levi doesn't take his eyes off her, almost feeling sympathetic for her feelings. Is he really about to take this poor girl's father away from her? He didn't know why, but he was infatuated by her, the way she defied him and kept looking at him with a glare, he had to be honest, he was slightly attracted, most would say turned on. 

Levi contemplated quietly, looking back at Erwin with a look that Erwin was all too familiar with. Levi was asking him without words on what he should do, but this was on him. He needed to make a decision now. Was he about to kill Dan Reiss in front of his daughter? For the first time in a long time, he was unsure what to do. 

"Dad?" she cries. Dan turns to look at his only child and gives her a soft smile. "It's going to be okay honey," he replies. "Be good, okay?" 

And with that Dan walks down his porch stairs and towards Levi and his men, preparing for the worst and sighing in defeat. Asuna turns around, hugging the man who stood next to her as he held her, she didn't have any wish to see what is about to happen to her father. He was a good man, except very flawed. The fact he is the oldest of the Reiss sons who came from a noble family life with a good amount of money. He became careless towards his estate and grew socially distant from his daughter and workers as the years went by. He became a struggling alcoholic who owed debts to countless merchants and noblemen, and eventually, the King himself. 

"Wait." Levi suddenly speaks. Dan, Erwin, Hange and all of his guardsmen look at their King in confusion and shock. Dan stops in his tracks, Erwin and Levi both glare at each other as Levi smirks back, he knew Levi better than most, almost every time he could tell what he was about to say or what his next action would be, but this time, he hadn't the faintest clue. 

Asuna turns around, wiping the tears from her face as she looks at Levi patiently waiting on what he is going to say. He turns his back to Erwin, then to Dan, then lastly, to Asuna. 

"Asuna, right?" Levi asks with curiosity. She looks at her dad in confusion for a couple seconds, took a deep breath and responded.

"Yeah." she replies. Some of the guards gasp as her response, mainly on how she responded first of all. Almost everyone responded to Levi as 'Your Grace' or 'My King'. Most people would consider not saying that to him as an act of defiance, and deep down she knew that. But the disgust that she felt towards this man fueled her with every inch of her being. Knowing that he was about to take her father away from her, the only family she really had left as she knew it, she didn't care at this point, she just wanted him to say what he was going to say and get on with it. 

"Okay, Asuna. How old are you?" Levi questions. 

She was surprised at this random question, secretly trying to find the true motive on why he was asking how old she was. She holds her chin up high, without losing eye contact with him, and doesn't say anything. Though deep down, she was terrified. 

"She's nineteen, Your Grace." Dan answers for her. Making her cuss him out under her breath. 

Levi doesn't say anything, he just looks down at the ground and sighs. Everyone awaited for him to respond. Erwin, still looking at him, still doesn't have the fainted idea what is on his mind. He sat there for almost a minute and stayed lost in thought. He knows what he wants to do, and knowing that he is the King and can basically do whatever he wanted in the world, he was going to do it. Suddenly, Levi looks back up with ease and looks right back at the pretty girl, then right back at Dan Reiss. 

"Reiss, I never liked you." Levi begins. "I always hated how you continue to push my buttons despite knowing all too well what it would cost you. You want to know why I traveled all this way today? I was going to kill you. I was going to make you pay and finally rid myself and my kingdom of your impulsive habits. You continued to defy me and my people, maybe you just want to be punished. Not sure. But now I realize killing you may be too kind for you, and for that, I will pardon your crimes and debt that you owe me."

Dan's eyes widen with shock. Did the King really just pardon him for his crimes? After everything he did? What the hell is that supposed to mean? Everyone else looked with shock and confusion. Levi wasn't the type of man to forget those who have wronged him, nor was he the type to travel half a day for no cost whatsoever. Finally, he speaks up.

"I will pardon your crimes, and your debt, if you give me your daughter's hand in marriage."

And just like that, everything changed for Asuna Reiss. 

AN:

[3500 words :0, good lord I really went overboard haha. Thank you for reading, it means the world to me. Honestly I am really proud of myself for finally writing it down and showing it to everyone. &' yes, her name is Asuna. It has nothing to do with SAO or anything I have just always loved the name I think it is very beautiful and unique. Yes, she has dark blonde hair and green eyes. This is mainly meant to be a Levixreader story, so if her features don't match with yours then feel free to change them to your own! In fact, I encourage it. I just think it's easier if the girl has a name. Some may think that this story with Levi as a king may be kind of dumb, but I believe the story in my head is actually very sweet and touching, especially if you love Levi Ackerman as much as I do, not to mention this story very brutal but what's the fun if its not? I'll make sure to include trigger warnings when the story gets dark! 

- Kat

[munv]

So, this is gonna be a long one Gang😞🙏🏿 get a snack or something caus ya girl is going all out.

So i met him 2 years ago or so right, in school, but the thing is i got his number and discord and we started talkin right

Pretty normal. But we like fell off and stopped talking the next year

So

Last year was it he found my tiktok (probably through contacts if you know the settings) and he started liking and reposting every video from my account.

So I reposted, he reposted

If I liked it, he would like it. And at some point it went to him tryna @ me in videos

But let me describe his character first. Glasses, tall from my point of view (I just reached 5 feet despite my big age,) and he’s pretty closed off. He has close friends that are my friends if ykwim

So after a while my friends who have known him longer than me started realizing what was going on. It was all giggles and laughs with him you know, the usual when we talked about the videos he also reposted and liked.

Then it started being a constant thing, so I’d check my notifications and 89% of them would be him. We never really talk that much about it at school but whenever we had classes I would turn to look around the room and he was just staring at me, and this would go on for months or so.

I would be taking notes for review, and my friend who I’ll call “T” would tell me to turn around because he’s looking at our direction. Then around christmas, well before christmas or maybe a month before we started going back to messaging each other.

Then the messages would escalate to saying goodnight, and good morning first thing, then he would heart my messages. Then we got into a lil “argument” which was a foolish one I got to say but then he refused to respond

So i felt bad and started messaging my friend who he also knows (she doesn’t go to our school but a different one with my other two friends)

And she messaged him bout it caus homegirl does NOT play around and stands on absolute business. And maybe im buggin out because you guys know im mad delusional but like…I see him sitting closer to me in class. He’s always one seat away or sitting directly in front of me.

At one point he sat next to me and our class is pretty big, so I thought “oh, maybe it just feels lonely because he sits on the other side of the classroom and stuff”

My friends threatened to beat me up by the way because I wasn’t noticing the signs and kept making up excuses for it.

So back on topic, he messages me during class and I check my phone, and look up and he’s sitting there as if he didnt just send me a message.

Which I forgot to mention after the “argument” I sent him a whole apology because I genuinely didn’t want to mess up what we were building for all those months. I realized after a while hes the type of guy who would stop talking to you and piss you off if he was really reallyyy upset with you, but also realized he’s kinda petty.

And the message he sent was talking about how he didnt understand on why I was apologizing and stuff but he was willing to talk out on why I thought he was upset with me and solve the tension.

With a attached video he sent twice by the way that stated I was cute.

Seeing this, I threw my phone and quickly picked it up before anyone noticed. Caus he IS NOT THE TYPE TO SEND THIS😭😭 and my friends who have known him for wayyyy longer informed me its not something he actually does because that means he must has taken some actual interest.

So

Thing solved right? Well theres more

His guy friends started teasing us about it and asking “when is the wedding” and calling me by his last name. And almost everyone kept on saying we were dating.

Now I was gonna take the bus home, but I wanted time to myself with people I actually like, and from some itty bitty posts you guys would know my parents aren’t exactly the best. (They suck shit)

So for half of that week I would stay in another teachers classroom who we all love. (He’s amazing)

And mr boy trouble was there too, he was staying late for a reason I didn’t know. Maybe to get work done or smt

And our friends were there too, so mid conversation they would pop in and start teasing us.

Then ONE fateful day, he sent me a portion of our argument on screenshot, and I was like “is this his way of saying he’s upset?” So i asked him and he left me on seen

But he doesn’t like being left on seen, and in one of our conversations he spammed me non stop because he didn’t like it. So im sitting here like “ok, maybe he’s just being petty again because he’s that type of guy”

During all of this happening our friends kept pulling us aside and asking on a serious note if we liked each other, but I never knew his response on it but mine was that he gave me mixed feelings and mixed signals

Caus tell me how one minute he’s calling me cute and sending me videos of bouquets of roses saying “for you pookie <33” and calling me “his pookie” then the next minute he’s completely off the radar and nowhere to be seen

Which I understand he’s busy but he’s literally online and ignoring my messages until he sees fit. Then acts as if he’s mad at me

Now my friends are explaining he doesn’t do this to anyone else AGAIN so he either got a lil crush or bros doing some courting ritual im not aware of.

Now when I ignore him, he plays around with my stuff when I’m not looking and sits down near me as if it’s nobody’s business.

By the way, I’m learning I’m bad at eye contact because whenever we look at each other I’m the first the look away not even a second later. Im starting to think my friends are right and I’m whipped the more I’m typing this crap out man😭

So he goes back to sending me videos and sending messages but when I decide on a good day to respond, he refuses to respond properly. Which is our biggest problem because he sucks at communication.

And my friend gives me a portion on what he said to me, and the screenshot says stuff like “I really do care for her” which really surprised me since he also explained he was gonna try and improve how he looks for valentines

Which I already think he looks cute but ok

Now I send him cute videos, immediately after he reposts them which I find wild once AGAINN

But now he won’t communicate properly and I kinda feel like its my fault

Another thing to mention

He told me “nvm” last week when I asked what he exactly he wanted to talk abt specifically, yknow

About the whole argument thing where I thought he was upset. He messaged my friend about it by the way, saying that we were good now. So he probably thought the conversation wasn’t needed anymore.

But now im scared that MY mixed feelings are turning into “oh I think Im crushing on this guy mad hard” and now we both probably have each other whipped or its one sided.

Help. Me.

I talked to him yesterday on some video he sent and he was like “i send stuff to a bunch of girls but dont check messages”

Then like

What the heck was I man?

But the thing Is he cant pull for the life of him, how do I know this? If you knew him you would know

So

What do I do gang

[armoredtitanmistress]

Magnum Opus | back to paradis

characters: ex! Eren x reader, husband! Levi x reader

summary:  returning back to your hometown, Paradis, with your children after the loss of your husband you are met with your first love and first heartbreak, Eren Yeager.

tags: character death, character death is Levi, grief/mourning, parenthood, aged up (26-30 yr olds), slow burn, childhood friends to lovers to exes to ?, first love, emotional infidelity, friendship breakups, angst, fluff, eventual smut, mention of abortion (not reader), problematic family

next part

someone’s 𝐌𝐚𝐠𝐧𝐮𝐦 𝐎𝐩𝐮𝐬 is their most important piece of art or literature. Consider this mine. Consider this ours.

signed, anon

Unwarranted thoughts eroded your mental plane as you watched your youngest child, Amos, grow entranced by the robotic blue cat on a used television you had come across at a garage sale a few days prior. The high chair he was sitting on was a hand-me-down from your oldest child, who was currently at school. To be a kid, unaware of life’s tribulations was a dream that was once lived to the fullest extent. 

You sighed at your mind whilst you drank your companion, decaf coffee. It had only adapted to be such in recent months, feeling the constant need to be awake for longer periods. It was alarming to know how many cups you could go through to sustain yourself. Coffee filters compiling on your kitchen counter, but with no real motivation to throw them away, they just stayed.

Having returned to the city of your adolescence now as a full-fledged adult felt oddly unsettling. Moving back to the state of Paradis was the last place you had ever thought of setting foot in again after purposely leaving it all those years ago. Though the reasoning behind that decision is convoluted into a plethora, the paramount was freedom. Having resided there for so long, you had seen it all, had experienced all there was to experience. It was tiring to repeat the same routine. That and other reasons will unravel as time passes. 

A new beginning was what your family needed and you were going to provide that no matter how much discomfort would follow. 

With your homecoming, word spread quickly throughout the 2014 Paradis High alumni forums. Many who graduated in that year had left for college and stayed in their college towns while others pursued their education elsewhere and returned. Your friend group at the time reigned from the latter. 

Sasha: 

Have you thought about it?

[sent 7:15 am]

You are grateful that you had turned off your read receipts for your messages because as soon as you read the message you made no effort in responding. They had been contacting you for a few days now via text messages and for a while, you responded. To keep the peace between you all but whenever the idea of hanging out was introduced into the conversation you’d weasel your way out. 

It was not because of a personal grudge you held against any of your old friends, on the contrary, you missed them dearly. However, times have changed and you all are not the same people you used to be. New beginnings are allowed to occur even if you return to the same place. That’s what you convinced yourself to believe. 

Refocusing your attention on the kid show — which had become a guilty pleasure to watch — you that had failed to acknowledge your front door open. 

“I have returned!” A voice rang throughout the hallway leading into the living room. Even if they hadn’t spoken, knowing them for as long as you have, simply the way they had opened the door or the sound of their footsteps would’ve been a key identifier. 

“With decaf coffee as promised! I know, I know! Some may say the best godparent ever!” The entity announced, stepping foot into the living room, completely disregarding that no one was regarding their presence.

After a few moments of silence, with only the tv providing additional noise, they attempted to garner their attention.

“Hello?” They elongated their greeting, waving their free hand frantically to attract some attention but to no avail. They were being bested by a blue robotic cat. Not a first-time occurrence for them but the streak was seriously tarnishing their self-esteem.

Of course, you knew that they were there but watching them glare at the tv screen with such hatred was amusing. These days are hard to find in your life. Walking up to them, you down the coffee you had made for yourself before taking the cup of coffee they had bought for you from their hand and patting them on the shoulder showing your gratitude. Pulling out a seat for yourself at the kitchen table as well as one for them, cueing them to mimic your movements.

Hange Zoe, is a well-known figure in the archeology world, not only for their historical discoveries but for their eccentric personality that you truly will not find anywhere else. An abnormal entity is how you’d describe them, for lack of a better word. Meeting in college through mutual friends and leaving a longstanding impression on one another, it was difficult not to grow together as family friends and the Godparent to all three of your children. They provided your small family with all they needed and have been a huge help in the last couple of months. However, their persistence though it’s commendable can be exasperating at times.

They wanted to reprimand you for not only ignoring them but your coffee intake which was the only fuel you ran on. You looked to be a decaying carcass that was fighting for life. Under eye bags growing darker, your face growing slimmer, and the clothes you wore growing duller. Times, when life seemed to be present within you, were when you were surrounded by your children; with your family. 

“So how was the drive?” You asked as you took a sip from the new coffee cup you had attained. “Anything interesting happen?”

“It was nice. They seem excited about the new school. Ace kept rambling about how he was going to be popular because he does Karate and that automatically makes him popular.” They recount as they lean back into the chair, mimicking a karate chop. “And you know Iris, she can’t let him get an ego before tearing that boy into shreds.” 

Yes, you were a mother of three. A set of six-year-old fraternal twins, Ace — one, unity and Iris — rainbow. With now the addition of your one-year-old son, Amos— to carry. Their names are all derived from foreign words as your late husband was very well-versed and interested in linguistics. To many, three kids seem like a nightmare — at first, it did to you too, but when you got to hold them close to your chest and meet them those worries faded. 

You had children reasonably young with only being 20 when you had the twins. Having your first child at 26 was a socially acceptable age to become a parent– in terms of what others have told you. Using one’s imagination, you could simply picture the terror in your parent's eyes when their then 20-year-old daughter let them know she was pregnant with a set of twins. The scene they played out in your college apartment that night was on par with Shakespeare's plays on dramatics. Even more when they realized that Levi was the one who had knocked you up – ”You let a fuck up like him get you pregnant!” or “You’re aborting them!” or “Those things will not be considered our grandchildren!”

They had apologized relentlessly for how they acted in the past but a part of you was aware that it felt disingenuous. An added reason to the reluctance to move.

Moving back to your hometown, Hange knew your mental state would falter harder than it ever was before. Hearing your children adjusting well to the move warmed your heart and alleviated your worrisome thoughts.

“I’m glad to hear they are adjusting well to the move.” Glancing at the cup you were holding, the ring on your finger was possibly the only luminous thing you did these days. “I wish he was here to see it.”

“Do you think he…” You randomly blurted out but decided to hold back the rest of the words, not wanting to believe what you were saying. The chords that unambiguously wanted to recite the score you had given to them were left with a hand that grazed them but weren’t prepared to perform. A case of stage fright. 

Their eyes narrowed at the piece of jewelry, reminiscing about the person who had given it to them. Enveloping their hands on top of yours, they rubbed your accessorized finger. 

“He would be proud of you guys.”

You remained silent for a moment. Their words were nice for reassurance but you already knew that. You simply wanted to bring him up to remember his existence — the impact he held over your life. Though he was certainly never the type to wear his heart on display, he did for you. That was your late husband, a warmed-hearted individual who was misunderstood by the majority. That was your husband Levi Ackerman. 

Your boyfriend of 8 years, your husband for 4, and the father of your 3 children passed away 5 months ago due to heart disease. His death was unexpected with one day receiving a heart-wrenching phone call informing you of his passing. No time for preparation, no warning signs, no hints - nothing. He left without a word. He said nothing. That’s what hurt most. 

The habit of making him the topic of discussion was rather unknown to you. It was natural for you to do it. Not in the same way that teenage girls would when allowed to talk about the boy they liked. Yours held an innocence that was endearing to witness for those around you. Even so, it had been exactly five months since your husband had left you and no form of help seemed to ease the sorrow. Ignoring that he no longer was there for you spiritually alleviated the sorrow, slightly.

“I wasn’t questioning that because I know him. He was always our biggest supporter. I just wanted to know…” You paused, trying to form words from all the jumbled letters compiling in your head. You were always good at articulating your thoughts. You were a gem when it came to those matters of the mind. With the newborn insomnia you had acquired, you were left a bit unrefined in your usual area of expertise. That and you weren’t prepared to ask the question.

Shaking your head, you remove your hands from theirs. “Nevermind. It seems like I can’t remember what I wanted to say. Let’s talk about something else.”

The eye-patched individual dared open their mouth to maintain the topic but your attention had already gone elsewhere. 

“Oh, I just remembered! The kids should be getting out early today. I can show them around town!” You eagerly exclaimed to your eye-patched friend, who wanted to confront you on the somewhat lie you had pulled. “I think they’ll like that.”

Taking the kids out was genuine, you had been talking to them about a good day to do it for a while. They could pry you all they wanted but you were too stubborn to open up so they chose to ignore it, for now. It was proven useless to unpackage your emotions in their years of being acquainted with you. You procrastinated til the last minute, waiting for all the convoluted issues you have stored away to ambush you at your worst because you believed that’s what you deserved. How far you strayed from the truth.

That’s why the tag along in your subject changes. “That’s a great idea! You can show them all the places you used to go to when you were their age!” 

Like stated before you had recently returned to your hometown, never in the ten years that you were away had you come down to visit. Your parents would usually make the drive to Liberio to visit. They never seemed to complain about it either, probably because it was an excuse to travel out of state. Never did they feel bothered by your lack of visitation over the years, they knew your reasonings and respected them. However, they would make comments about your kids possibly becoming snobs with the high exposure to city living. They weren’t used to the small city. This is exactly what Shiganshina used to be, only within the last year had it begun to make a name for itself with the grand opening of a hospital founded by a local family that you couldn’t remember the name of. 

As a kid, you would be found playing with your friends – such as the previously mentioned Sasha – at the park and creating fantasies on whims. Whether it was action, romance, or horror, it would be fun regardless. Every single fond memory of your childhood had been at that park. Though you wouldn’t admit it, you were happy that you would be able to share that with your children. The city park was the local hotspot for kids. You hoped that the same could be said 20 years later which you made sure to mention to your friend.

“Give yourself credit! You were plenty of fun in college so what’s to say you weren’t an equally as fun kid?” They point out as they scroll through their phone trying to find fun activities to do throughout the day. “Heard through the grapevine that you were really into keg stands.”

“That grapevine of yours might be a little tangled. I can’t recall ever doing such a thing.” You feign innocence, resting your head on your fist.

“The grapevine is very reliable when he is blackout drunk.”

“So it’s Erwin?” They choked on their drink at the name drop, patting their chest to regain composure. 

You smile, recalling the times your friends would force you out of your comfort zone. In college, you were known as the wild card. Many were unaware of the type of person you were since you were so introverted in your classes and so extroverted in social environments. People deduced it was due to caring for your grades but to others, it was very well a mystery.

“Ma! Ma!” You heard your child whine. Turning around you noticed the show had ended, which meant his attention was now fully set on you. 

“Coming!” 

You walk towards your child whose hands are already trying to grasp your shirt. Lifting him in your arms, you pat his back. “Looks like no more Doraemon for today. You’ll just have to wait until he comes to visit tomorrow.“

The child whined at your words, pouting his tiny mouth trying to go for an expression of anger but with pursing his lips the way he was a little saliva bubble made an appearance. He didn’t notice it though as he was trying to maintain his expression with maximum efficiency. His gray eyes weren’t trained on your face but on your arms which was good or else he would’ve taken offense to the benign smile traced on your lips. Even when his eyes found yours and began to pat your face harshly to wipe that expression off your face— felt like a marshmallow was being repeatedly thrown at you. All you could do was let out a heartful laugh before reaching for the small hands that were “harming” your face with one of your own, lowering them to his body. 

Another cute expression dawned on his face, a look of confusion — looked more like he was about to poop himself. The child was not prepared for your form of retaliation. As yours was by far way worse than his. Attacking the child’s face with kisses as he giggled, seemingly forgetting that he was supposed to be mad. 

Dealing one last peck on his forehead, you muzzle him closer to your body as you begin to dote on the child. “How can such an angry face still look so darn cute.” You cooed into him.

How could you ever not adore Levi when he gifted you the greatest gifts in the world; his love and your children? The greatest gifts you could ever wish to receive. If you could be greedy, you would’ve wanted him to be here. Wrapping his calloused hands around your waist, placing his warm lips onto your head, he would rock the both of you back and forth to not only calm yourselves but your child. Your other children would get jealous at this point and each individually wraps their tiny arms around either one of your legs as they’d giggle at the momentum.

Unconsciously, you had fluttered your eyes closed to envision the scene that used to be acted out without the need for a cut or a take two. You never repeated it to get it right because it always was. You repeated it for the sake of sharing moments. The author simply enjoyed how serenity was a person – a family. That family was yours, once.

Feeling a substance drip from your eyes, you were crying. You couldn’t commit yourself to the full sob as you made sure to discard the sole tear before it could make a crash landing. 

Glancing down at the child in your arms, you take into account how his eyes were drifting off into their fantasyland as you momentarily had to. 

Turning towards Hange, you let out a sigh of relief to see them so immersed in their phone looking at fun attraction sites to pay attention to you. With a gentle raise of your arms to show them the resting child, you call out loud enough for them to hear but quiet enough for the child to remain asleep. “Our little buddy here is dozing off so I’m going to put him in his crib. While I do that, you can start picking up some of the laundry or toys that you can find on the floor.”

“Using me again? I’m going to have to start charging you for my services, ya know?” They jokingly jabbed, which roused a humorous sound out of you. As you were rounding the corner towards the hallway, a vibration caught Hange’s attention. It was a message coming from your phone. They could’ve just ignored it and done the task they were asked to do but their curiosity got the best of them.

Sasha:

We’re meeting up at Perko’s at 6:30

It would be cool if you made it.

Bring your kids too! We’d love to meet them!

[sent at 8:12 am]

 The name was immediately recognizable to Hange. Not only having met her at your wedding in passing, but Hange had also heard that name a multitude of times. With the number of times, you’d talk about your childhood friends, it was fairly easy to memorize all their names and their significance to you. If their memory served them correctly, Sasha was your best friend for a large portion of your adolescent years. You described your relationship with them once in such a wholesome form; platonic soulmates.

Checking the messages being sent, they noticed you had never responded. They furrowed their brunette brows at the revelation. Why were you ignoring them? It was understandable that with how hectic your life is at the moment to not want to attend but the blatant disregard to not giving them a courtesy response was off-putting. Preserving friendships was a high priority in your life but why were you against preserving your childhood friends?

Their fingers had a mind of their own, typing away into that device of yours. 

 _____

Of course! See you there!

Miss you guys too.

[sent at 8:14 am]

 Hearing a door open was their cue to press send and place the item back where it belonged. Picking up a laundry basket that was nearby they scurried to place any miscellaneous out-of-place items into their basket. To somewhat combat the gnawing guilt they felt for putting you in a situation you were avoiding, they decided to subtly integrate it into the conversation.

“Have any of your high school friends reached out to you? From what your parents said you have been the talk of the city.” They mindlessly spoke trying to paint the narrative of this impromptu conversation.

“In my defense, the city isn’t that big.” You jest, tracing the diameters of the city using your hands. “I would be offended if I wasn’t.”

A jokester you were deflecting the question in a less than obvious way. Not hearing any laughter, you deducted that this conversation wouldn’t be casual. 

“A few have but that’s about it.” You reveal with the accompaniment of a sigh. “I don’t see a point in hanging out when we all have our own separate lives.”

“But what if they want to catch up? You know for the sake of it?” They countered, attempting to match your speed.

“I’m sure they are too busy in their own lives to have time to meet up. We aren’t teenagers anymore.” You remind them as you begin to walk ahead of them.

“Hypothetically…say they did have time to meet up?… Would you go then?” They inquire, silently praying that whatever you answered could be positive. Unfortunately for them, the drop of your shoulders and the lack of movement coming from you were enough to depict a picture of your response. At least, that’s what they surmised.

A familiar ringtone faintly sounded throughout the house which earned a raised eyebrow from you and a panicked expression from Hange. Reaching the destination of your phone and seeing yet another notification from Sasha.

Sasha:

Can’t wait!

[sent at 8:22 am]

Your eyes widened in disbelief at the text and the ones above it, trying to process the situation your dear friend had forced you into. A flash of memories swarm their way to the forefront of your mind; all the good and the bad and all the reasons why you were against meeting any of them again.  Clicking your phone off, you leave it placed in your palm, bouncing it a bit as you pivot your feet in their direction with your gaze still on the device in your hand.

“I’m going to ask you a question Hange and I want you to be honest. You wouldn’t have been going through my texts, right?” Your tone was condescending as you spoke. They knew you knew and were now unaware of their choice in how to handle the situation. Perhaps if they pretended to be clueless, you'd be less harsh.

“Well not necessarily…” They attempted to defend themselves but backtracked on their plan once they witnessed the expression that was bestowed upon them; furrowed brows, a crease developing on the bridge of their nose, attenuated eyes, folded arms over their chest, and your figure leaning on the archway dividing your living room and kitchen. 

They knew then that any form of lying would be proven useless. “It was by accident! Your phone was on the counter and I saw a message from Sasha. I got curious and one thing led to another…”

“Hange.” You push expectantly. They feel themselves shrink at your tone, averting eye contact from your menacing gaze in preparation to confess.

“Let’s just say, you have a reunion to go to tonight at 6:30…” They responded sheepishly while doing jazz hands motions. “Surprise…?”

Smacking them over their arm with a nearby throw pillow as you fume exciting the living room, “Over my dead body! What the hell were you thinking, Hange!”

They yank your “weapon” from your hands – swiftly placing it back among the other pillows on your couch – trying to catch up to your retreating form.  “I thought it was something you’d want!” 

“If I didn’t respond it wasn’t! I spent the better half of a decade ignoring them and now you want to just pop up out of nowhere for a fucking reunion!” You tried your best to not raise your voice, for the sake of your child's sleep schedule, but with the situation, it was proving to be rather difficult. 

Visibly disappointed by your response they kept on being persistent with their questions, throwing out every hypothetical situation there was known to man. All of which you turned down.

“I’ll take Ace to Karate practice for the rest of the week!” 

“Yeah right, you’re so squeamish you wouldn’t be able to handle the puking.” You remind them, watching them deflate at the memory of Ace’s first match where they had to be escorted out of the dojo on a stretcher because they passed out mid-match after seeing a kid barf out his entire lunch in front of them. 

“I’d take care of the kids! I bet they have been waiting to hang out with their favorite godparent!” They boasted about themselves, ignoring the pitiful look sketched on your face. 

After a while of listening, your anger diminished to something similar to amusement. It wasn’t as if the meet-up was going to be a regular occurrence so there couldn’t be much harm in attending. Nevertheless, you were a petty woman, and pretending to remain impassive was entertaining. You listened to their tangents as to why you should go, picking up anything that needed to be picked up off the floor. You’d muse about them for a few moments as it was entertaining to see how dedicated to their cause they were.

“Word on the street says it’s Erwin.” You retaliate as you waved a Ninjago action figure in the air that was bought by said man a few birthdays ago.

Gasping at the comment, they snatch the figure from your hands and shove it into their basket. “He hardly ever visits! How can that even be true!”

“Exactly.”

“I have a right to them! I helped bless them into the world of spirituality! Those kids are going to heaven because of me!” Your eye-patched friend pleaded as they assisted you in carrying a basket of laundry, dodging incoming miscellaneous items that coveted your house. The clutter matches your mental state. The perimeter of the boxes was littered with toys that should’ve been in their respective locations. 

“With you being the Godparent? They received an early access ticket to hell with courtesy of satan written on the back.” You mocked the delusional brunette. Rounding the corner of your house, you sighed picking up the scattered clothing items your children had graciously left for you, dumping them into the laundry basket they were holding.  

“Rude!” They huffed. They followed in your steps, picking up clothes before you could, causing you to roll your eyes at their antics. “Come on! It will be good for you! Out of the house, stress-free, and kid-free! Experiencing your wondrous childhood town now as an adult! Sounds like a breath of fresh air. I am extremely reliable so you wouldn’t have to worry your pretty head about a thing!” 

They ascertained a little too confidently as they failed to take notice of an incoming box which in turn toppled them over, spilling out all the contents in the laundry basket and box onto the floor. 

Masking your laugh with your palm, you shake your head watching as they attempt to push themselves back to stability. Situations like these make it hard to stay annoyed with them for long. Deciding to continue on your facade, you ignore them jumping over their fallen body to reach the entrance of your study.

It was the only unruly part of your household. It was secluded away from all the other parts of the house and with the odd placement of the door, it could easily be confused as a closet. Opening it you were greeted with an oak sectional desk that was chipping away, an outdated computer from your college days, framed pictures of loved ones decorating a matching bookcase, and a tower of folded down boxes that have yet to be thrown out. It was a plain room that most likely will never be renovated. 

“Come on, you never get to do nice things for yourself! I bet you miss those old friends of yours.” They tried to reason as they finally entered the room with the basket in tow.

 “Is it because of him?” They spoke in a hushed voice as if the subject was so taboo it might cause an uproar.

The elusive “him” in question was your ex-boyfriend from high school. The golden boy of Shiganshina, Eren Yeager. The first guy you fell in love with. The first guy to break your heart. Having met him at age 4 at a park when you had pushed him off a slide for hogging it for too long. Some may say that it was a toxic way to begin a friendship but it worked for the dysfunctional duo. Of course, you fell for him first. Hard not to when you were stuck with him for 10 years. It seemed like it was just as easy to fall out of love when Levi came into your life. It was easier for him too as he fell out of love with you first. Confessing to you following your high school graduation that he had been in love with another girl the entire time. 

You scoffed at their question, “I could care less about if he is there or not. I moved on and he certainly did before me.”

“But what he did was pretty messed up. It took you months to even give Levi a chance.” They recalled, wincing at the memories of said point and time in which you joined them. “Poor man would come to Erwin and me for advice. That was peak desperation.”

“Don’t remind me. You’re lucky I liked him enough at the time to put up with the shitty advice y’all gave him.”

“I thought it was pretty good…”

“No wonder you guys were single for so long.” You mumbled, not entirely opposed to them hearing your comment which they certainly did.

“May have been single but never in an empty bed. That’s how I got Moblit.” They countered, which results in you giving them an eye roll. 

“How…romantic.” You riposte, now their turn to return the gesture. 

Taking a cautious gaze towards your figure, they ask again for reassurance.“So this isn’t about the guy?”

“Look at it like this, Hange. Even if he and I wouldn't have broken up after graduation, the outcome would’ve been the same. I would’ve still met Levi and fallen in love with him. He would’ve still pursued the other girl.” You explained with a shrug. “No use crying over a decade-old spilled milk.”

“I guess you’re right but that still doesn’t explain why you don’t want to see them at all. Don’t you miss them?”

“I appreciate it, truly I do, but it isn’t about missing them or not. I want to spend time with my kids. With all that has been going on and now that I’m going to start my new job, spending quality time with them as a family won’t happen as often.” You reveal with a crestfallen expression. “I’d like to cherish these moments while I can.” 

The last set of words fed into the guilt that Hange had already felt. In the months leading up to Levi’s passing, your job had been sending you off on business trips frequently resulting in less time being spent together. Arguments manifested due to this and when you had finally decided to put aside your pride, it had already been too late. You were begging forgiveness to his casket instead of to his face.

“Now I feel horrible!” The brunette bit their lip, allowing you to see the remorseful expression that had washed up on their face. They groaned at your words, enveloping their face with their hands, and they mumbled into their palms. “I hate how selfless you can be, being a mother is basically in the cards for you.”

“If that’s so, I don’t plan on shuffling the deck.” You quip, earning another groan at your lame attempt at a joke – obviously, you laughed at it.

Their eyes narrowed as they playfully criticized you. “Ha-ha, just because you’re a milf doesn’t excuse you from making lame mom jokes.”

“The local dilfs would like to disagree, they eat that shit up. Comes in handy when I want discounts at Home Depot.” You cheekily mention, taking pride in your seductions that had recently come in handy.

Their jaw dropped as if what you said was treachery. “You skank! I always wondered how you managed to bag that lawnmower for $180 instead of $250! You just said it was on sale!” 

“Just one of my many talents.” You joke with a wink. “Besides there was no way in hell I was going to pay full price for a fucking machine I was hardly ever gonna use.”

Becoming newly widowed, you had to fend for yourself. You were so accustomed to having two forms of income flowing in your home that you had forgotten the essential skill that was budgeting. Not to say you were a wealthy family but you had enough to live comfortably. Now being the sole financial provider in the family, tactics such as the example used above came in handy. 

“So are we going?” They ask wearily, not knowing whether or not you have warmed up to the idea or not.

Leaning your head into your chair, you stared at the ceiling idly, twirling a pen you had found on your desk before giving your final verdict on their question, “They have good food there and I used to go there all the time so I guess we’d be knocking out two birds with one stone. We could probably go to the park beforehand to tire them out and I could use that as an excuse to leave early.”

They practically leaped out of their chair at your words, wrapping their arms around your frame and you returned the gesture rather awkwardly at the way they reacted to your answer. They still felt guilty as hell but when you said those words. The guilt was momentarily lifted, allowing them a breath of success. The other details could unravel themselves at another time. For now, they’ll see where the day takes them.

Retracting themselves from the embrace, they begin to head out of the room “Great! I’ll start getting Amos ready!”

“But they don’t get out for another 4 hours. He’s asleep too-“ The sounds of your child’s wails cut you off. They smile victoriously at the sound watching you furrow your brows as you point a judgmental finger at them. “Fine but don’t put him in something stupid.”

Taking faux offense at your warning, they raise a hand to their chest. “I would never! I am a person of taste!”

“If the taste is dressing my child like the pope, may Christ banish thee to hell.” You retort back, pointing to a framed picture on your wall, revealing a rather disturbing picture. It was Hange dressed in nun garb while holding a then 10-month-old Amos dressed as said religious figure in front of your old house in Marley. Your other kids were included in the picture too, your oldest son was dressed as Ace from One Piece — “he has my name mama!” and your daughter was dressed as Wednesday Adams from the Adams Family— “She’s goth. she’s cool.”

“It was Halloween! We looked cute! He looked happy!” They defended, pride burst through them witnessing the framed picture for the first time in a while.

You were beginning to doubt that you were looking at the same picture because it did not take that long to realize that child was in hysterics. Eyeing your friend weirdly as you voiced your concern. “You made my kid cosplay as the pope. How does a bald man in a gown equal a cute and fun baby costume?”

“You framed it! Must mean you think the same way!”

“It means jack-shit. Why do you think it’s in my office and not the living room?”

“To keep it for your eyes only. Very selfish if you ask me. I asked for a copy and you cursed me out.” They huffed in disappointment. 

“More like I’m taking one for the team keeping it in my office.” You snarl while looking at the individual. They ignored your comment, too caught up in their world to realize you calling their name. It took an elevated voice, a wave in the face, and blocking the picture with your body to garner their attention.

“Hmm?”

“Get the fuck out of my office.”

“Can I at least take-“

“Out!”

[decaffedthoughts]

That Flower Was You

pairing: Son Dongju (Xion)/Kim Geonhak (Leedo)

word count: 8.2k

Equal fluff and angst, I'd say

summary: After an innocuous conversation with Hyunjin, Dongju begins to question what he likes to wear and what that means for who he is. What follows is a tumultuous period of internal self-discovery and change. At the same time, Dongju continues to deal with his feelings for Geonhak, and there are a lot of those. His roommates and friends are all very aware of all those feelings, much to his dismay.

a/n: Inspired by this fic on ao3 by gardenjins! Also crossposted on ao3. In the texting sections other characters will be bold and Dongju will be regular text. Fulfilling the clownracha quarterly prompt: new year, nugu

Dongju had plenty of friends his age at college. So many of them were so cool that he had to befriend at least some. Currently, his dearest of those was Hwang Hyunjin. Of course, Hyunjin had xyr own set of friends, and boyfriends and partners of all ages. Dongju was proud to say they had regular contact, so he wasn't surprised when he received a random picture with no other message attached.

He opened it, walking back from class one day, and was surprised to see Hyunjin in a pretty little skirt. Xe was clearly standing in a dressing room and was typing while Dongju stared.

do you think i should get it?

why me specifically

gc is 50/50 split, so you’re the chosen one

i totally think you should, it’s really pretty

that’s what i said! good financial choices mean nothing when i can have pretty clothes

And that was where the conversation ended for the day. For Hyunjin, at least. For Dongju, the skirt just never left his head. He had never seriously considered wearing a skirt before. In that photo, Hyunjin looked good, and Dongju wondered if he could pull it off like xem. Probably not exactly, because Hyunjin was somehow one of the prettiest people on campus, but in xyr own way.

So, the next day, he went back to their message thread.

hey hyunjin do you have other skirts too?

ooooooooh yes i do! good morning to me

Dongju breathed out a laugh, watching Hyunjn type, likely taking longer because xe was trying to type and take photos simultaneously. What followed was about an hour of Hyunjin going through their impressive skirts collection, some highlights from other closets, and a nice long tangent on Changbin's dresses. Dongju only sent a word occasionally commenting on a particularly nice item. Hyunjin always responded with "noted", but he didn't mind.

It culminated in Hyunjin finding xyr own only dress, to which xe assured Dongju xyr getting more soon. The picture immediately took Dongju's breath away. Hyunjin was wearing a gorgeous strawberry dress. Dongju was never interested in the dress while it was a tiktok trend, but suddenly, he understood why everyone else was. The original dress was a little expensive at $500, but Hyunjin found a silhouette they liked for a little less. More than Dongju would spend on a single clothing item in college, but that's what would happen when you had 2 rich boyfriends who loved to spoil you.

Dongju couldn’t stop staring that time, but it felt different in a way he couldn't explain. Hyunjin emphasized that clothing was just pieces of fabric and said little to nothing about your gender, but Dongju felt something different when he looked at Hyunjin spinning in a field in a dress. He both could and couldn't imagine himself doing it at the same time. It was an abstract feeling. Like he couldn’t because he hadn’t ever done it before, and it sort of felt like he wasn’t allowed to, for some reason. But he could, and he wanted to, to feel the freedom that Hyunjin embodied in that photo. 

All of that stayed inside for now until he could make a little more sense of it.

"Oh." Dongju breathed.

It felt better than anything he had ever worn, and he couldn't imagine anything else being even better. It felt so right. He spun, and the translucent layer hung long and brushed over his calves softly. Slowly, he looked up at the mirror he knew was there. It's hard because despite the pretty, flowing skirt, everything else about him is still distinctly masculine, or so he thinks. Maybe Hyunjin would say otherwise, but some things weren't meant to be spoken out loud yet. They'd just live in Dongju's head for now.

It was more apparent when it was on him that the gold pieces were meant to be little fireworks. It was pretty. Not a word Dongju thought he would ever be allowed to use to describe himself, but it felt good. He likes being pretty. Inside, his childhood self is clapping and watching with adoration. This could be the beginning of everything that child wanted.

Now, it was different. Because he'd thought that Seoho was pretty and Seoho was a man. He thinks Geonhak is pretty on a daily basis, and Geonhak is probably more secure in his masculinity than anyone else Dongju knew.

"Ju? You all good out there?" Hyunjin's voice came, muffled, through the door.

Dongju mentally curses, he forgot Hyunjin was here, how rude. But it's so easy to just keep staring at himself in the mirror and going over 50 arguments about why this is a good and a terrible decision.

"Yeah! You can come back now." Dongju said.   

Hyunjin flings open the door, only stopping it from slamming back against the stopper with the tips of xyr fingers. Dongju would be impressed with xyr reflexes if he wasn't otherwise occupied. And he certainly is, swaying back and forth and feeling it brush softly against his legs. A little bit ticklish but mostly pleasant.

Hyunjin squeals at both a pitch and volume too loud for what is meant to be happening in the dorm today, which is nothing. Dongju hurriedly shushes xem, and Hyunjin apologizes softly but kept xyr eyes on the skirt.

"It's like it was made just for you, Ju. Look at you." Hyunjin lifted xyr eyes to Dongju's face and practically melted at what xe saw.

Dongju was staring at himself in the mirror again, wholly entranced. "I look like myself. I feel like myself. This is incredible."

Hyunjin didn't have any words to answer with, xe just smiled at Dongju through the mirror, glad xe could bring this piece of joy to xyr friend.

"I'm gonna bring you so many pretty skirts. I don't think any of Changbin-hyung's dresses would fit you, though, sorry. His shoulders are stupid wide."

Dongju sighed, but he didn't expect much from that. And the idea of being small, smaller than Changbin is kind of nice. His group of friends was great for that because all but one were either the same height or taller than him. And what Hwanwoong lacked in height, he more than made up for in energy and feistiness.

They did this over and over again. Dongju suspects that not all skirts were recycled hand-me-downs but new gifts, but he didn’t say anything. It's not like he had a receipt or anything to prove it. Just a feeling. Either way, it's nice to be spoiled by someone else without asking. The last time he felt like that was when his parents would bring home the toys he wanted without asking. Or would the times that the others show up with food count? Either way, he felt spoiled in a way that he rarely did.

It happened so often that the others were not necessarily suspicious, just a bit confused. Hyunjin came in with a bag, stayed for an hour, and then left with nothing. No one knew what was in the bag or where they went because Dongju made them disappear.

Internally, he was becoming more confused by the day but said nothing to anyone. He'd noticed being out in public is a little more uncomfortable, and he didn't like people looking at him. Sure, he didn't really before, but it wasn't so visceral and uncomfortable then. There wasn't an apparent reason why in his head, so he just kept moving along and trying to avoid being around many people in public.

The other strange thing is the slight wrongness under his skin when someone calls him a man. At first, he just attributes it to not feeling like a proper adult despite being almost done with college. It lasts a few weeks until he googles it to see if anyone else felt like this and how they deal with it.

The results he got were... different. Reddit post after Reddit post, ranging from one reply to almost a hundred.

I don't feel like a man, but nothing else seems right. What do I do?

I feel uncomfortable when people call me a man or a boy, it feels wrong. Anyone else feel this way?

I have long hair, and someone behind me assumed I was a woman. Why did I like it so much?

Dongju had thought about growing his hair long once, and Hyunjin regularly oscillated between shoulder length and short hair. What if someone mistook him for a woman in public because of his hair? It didn't feel *wrong* per se, but that was probably just because it was a theoretical experience, and he wasn't actually experiencing it. If he was called a woman, he'd definitely be weirded out. Definitely.

The googling continued, and Dongju found other pieces he related to in some people's stories, so he kept looking. However, the more he looked, the more similar the results became.

Trans, egg, trans woman, trans femme, agender, non-binary

He'd heard some of the terms from Hyunjin, who also gracefully explained what they meant personally, but Dongju would never have connected them to his own experience. And he continued to be determined not to.

There was no moment in his childhood where he wanted to try on a dress or makeup or anything like that. Nobody teased him for being different like that. Mainly, they focused on him being nerdy or quiet or something. He never found himself wishing his body was different or that his puberty was wrong.

But... sitting in his room in the dark, Dongju let himself wonder for a little bit. What happened at 2am didn't count, so he ignored it until morning.

What would it be like if his voice hadn't dropped in middle school and stayed slightly higher? Or what if his body was smaller and rounder, rather than the muscle his roommates had encouraged him to build?

Dongju clicked his phone off and slapped it down, throwing both hands over his face as if to avoid looking at his thoughts. Surely, there was no way that he liked some of these thoughts? There was no way he would want a different body or a lighter voice or to be accepted in longer hair and skirts. No, this was just slight sleep deprivation and a sign he should stop staying up so late googling this nonsense. He silently resolved to get a better sleep schedule over the next few weeks, which would solve everything.

Getting more sleep was pretty good for him, but it didn't solve anything in thinking about what he'd be like as a woman. If anything, it was worse because it also started being in his dreams. Some were more like his current self and experimenting, but some looked completely different.

Dongju would wake up and lay in bed, turning the dreams over in his mind until he woke up more and realized what was happening, shaking it away and ignoring it for the rest of the day.

Eventually, it wears him down a little, seeing the same dreams and thinking about the repetitive results he got when googling such personal experiences. There were some queer clubs/groups on campus, so he went out to one of them.

Thankfully, Dongju hadn't met any of the people before, so they just nod and accept him. They don't ask him any questions, and he didn't say much in return and instead just listens. It didn't provide any answers but is a friendly little community.

He went for a few weeks, becoming somewhat of a new regular. It came to the point where they start asking him questions.

Name? Easy. Pronouns? Dongju hadn't properly admitted it to himself yet, but exclusively he/him didn't feel quite correct anymore, and he didn't know what to replace it with either.

"Um... not sure yet. That's why I started coming here. He/they, I guess?" That was the best answer he could get out.

The person, Moonbyul, just nodded and didn't question it. She seemed really chill. He kept going, talking to more and more people and becoming less and less sure of everything. At some point, Moonbyul and another girl named Yoohyeon. He was a little scared at first, and it must have shown on his face because both laughed and assured him they were committed lesbians.

One night, he texts Moonbyul impulsively before he could convince himself not to.

Hey

Hello there

Can you try something out for me? She/her pronouns. Not in person, just like. A short text

interesting. sure Dongju is a new friend of mine. I think she's kinda cool

Dongju stared at the text for a while without responding, internally repeating it again and again. I think she's kinda cool. She is. She.

You alive over there?

Oh, um yeah Just.... yeah

It felt good?

Hah, I guess so

Well, welcome to the club I guess

Lol the club of what? Womaning? Am I a woman? Oh god

Hah, I'll let you figure that out I can't answer it for you Want me to tell anyone, or are you doing it yourself?

No, I'll do it myself. Just... give me some time He/they for a while, if you don't mind

Yeah, whatever you need Just lemme know when it's gonna be okay

Dongju sends a simple heart before closing her phone and then her eyes. Now what? Seriously, how do people deal with this and then move on? Who should she tell first? What should she tell them? How long should she wait? Now she knew, and there was only so long she'd be able to handle the wrong pronouns now that she knew the right ones and what they feel like.

She picked her phone back up and looked at the time. Damn, no time for a crisis right now, she had an assignment due that night that she'd done hardly any of.

After submitting the assignment Dongju was so exhausted from several hours of adrenaline-fueled work that she was exhausted and went right to bed. It took her a while to fall asleep, but she had no space to think of much.

The next day, she had nothing else pressing, so she spent almost an hour wondering what to do. After she eats breakfast she just sits at the table and stared into space. Her other roommates seem to be out or asleep, so none of them were there to ask what the fuck is going on and she could zone in and out in peace. The clock on her phone ticked over to 11am, and she decided to get out of there before her luck ran out and she had to explain or find some excuse.

When she returns to her room, Dongju is struck with sudden inspiration. Hyunjin! Xe'll obviously be okay with it and might even have some advice on what to do now. It's not a 1-1 exact experience, but it's something, and god knew she needed anything right now.

Hyunjin answered fast, and she was there a 30-minute bus ride later. One I'm here text and a knock later, and Hyunjin is practically bouncing as xe lets them in. Most of their boyfriend roommates were also home, so it was much louder, and Dongju stared wide-eyed. She'd been here before, but usually, it was much emptier and quieter. It made it less likely that someone would hear them talking over all the noise, which was nice.

Minho, Chan, and Seungmin all nod at her, and Jisung and Felix take a break from intense Mario Karting to wave. It was nice because she'd hardly talked to any of them, but they accept her like it's nothing just because she knew Hyunjin so well.

Hyunjin closed the door behind them and plops down on xyr bed, looking at Dongju.

"So, what's up? You never ask me to come over, and it seems serious."

Dongju starts fidgeting with her clothes awkwardly. How the fuck should she do this? Ugh.

"Um... well. Okay, I'm not sure sure yet, but I think I might be uh. Fuck, I hate this. Why is it so hard."

Hyunjin snorts before slapping a hand over xyr mouth to stop anything else. Xe stands up and forcefully pulls Dongju over to sit next to them.

"Unless you say you're like... getting married or something, I'm not gonna judge you. You see the fucking circus of people I live with. You're so normal in comparison to all of that."

It's genuinely a little reassuring to be "normal" for a minute. Dongju had been so caught up in feeling alone and not knowing who to go to that she forgot she was not completely alone. Personally, or just in other people who have these feelings.

"Thank you. I'm... I think I'm trans." She lets it hang in silence for a moment. "But you know, I'm not totally sure! I just had someone call me she over text, and it felt really nice. Yeah."

Dongju waits, staring down at her hands in her lap and waiting for Hyunjin's response.

"Okay, I was waiting to make sure you weren't gonna blurt out anything else. This is so exciting, though, oh my goodness! Am I the first person you told? Other than the friend you texted, who I definitely need to know more about." Dongju nodded slightly, and Hyunjin clapped in excitement. "Ah, I'm so honoured!"

Hyunjin launches xemself forward into a forceful hug on Dongju, who freezes for a minute but melts into it. She wasn't the biggest fan of hugs and whatnot, but she felt like she needed it now. They pull back, and Hyunjin is seriously beaming. It made Dongju a little less nervous, that this wasn't a bad thing and that maybe she'd make new friends or get closer to other friends.

"I get to be your little trans fairy godmother, this is wonderful. So, do you wanna tell me more about all of this? How did it happen, what are you doing now, any of that?"

Dongju laughed nervously, biting the inside of her cheek. "I'm not sure there is much to tell. It was months ago I started looking online cause I didn't feel like a man and thought it was just because I didn't feel like an adult yet. Then I started going to one of those college queer club things. That's where I met Moonbyul, the friend I texted, and she's super chill and open. I just randomly texted her and was like, hey, can you do something for me, use she/her pronouns in a message about me. She did and I don't even know how long I sat there looking at it, and it felt good, so I thought I was actually going insane. Like, no way. Yeah, that was, like, a week ago. And now I'm here."

Hyunjin looked at her with this strange little look on her face, like xe was proud and upset at the same time.

"Oh, my goodness. Little trans egg Dongju, not knowing what's happening. So you said not a man, but do you know what you might be more comfortable with now? Like, are you a girl, a woman, or not quite all the way that way? I just don't wanna say trans girl or trans woman or call you girlie if you're not, you know. And you don't have to have an answer yet! It's only been a week, so we can just keep testing what you like."

Dongju sits momentarily and thinks about it because she hadn't allowed herself to do so thus far. Is she a girl or a woman, or is she closer to some of those other terms she had seen?

She didn't know yet was the honest conclusion she came to, and she tells Hyunjin as much.

"Yeah, that's so fair! You've only known for like a week. So just tell me if I say something weird, or if I say something good!"

Hyunjin's the best person Dongju could've asked for on this journey. Xyr knowledgeable but also accepting and often upbeat. Of course, xe had xyr own serious and sensitive moments, but in general, xyr is just kind of chilling.

She spends another few hours there, just hanging out with one of her good friends, and it's lovely. Maybe she should get out more often, like Seoho said. God forbid she tell Seoho he was right about something, though, never.

As Dongju heads home, she considers when and how to tell her roommates about this. They're roommates and some of her closest friends, so there's no world where she didn't tell them. For now, everything was going perfectly fine. Her marks were good enough to pass, she'd got good friends, and she'd been learning more about herself. What more could someone ask for? Well, probably a whole lot more money, but that's beside the point.

But something had to break eventually, and in Dongju's opinion, it happened in the worst way.

It was another day, another Hyunjin visit.

In the house, they weren't in the habit of busting into other people's spaces, and to be fair, Geonhak did knock first. Unfortunately, the two seconds of warning provided was not enough for Dongju to make any meaningful attempt to hide. Geonhak must be way more flustered than Dongju could have guessed because it took a solid few seconds before he noticed.

His face got all red, and he couldn't stop staring. Dongju would like nothing more than to somehow evaporate. Or turn invisible, or teleport, or literally anything to make Geonhak stop staring like that. It made her feel itchy, and wrong. Even though she knew she wasn’t doing anything wrong, it's a piece of fabric.

"Are you gonna say anything? I feel uncomfortable and I'm not even involved." Hyunjin speaks, breaking the tenuous silence.

Dongju couldn't tell if she should thank xem or smack xem. Geonhak flinches like he was hit and starts about 6 different sentences before he commits to one.

"You look good, Dongju. Seriously. But, uh, if my laptop isn't in here, I should go. Have fun."

Geonhak waved awkwardly and then closed the door behind him. Dongju breathed a heavy sigh of relief. Could he have been lying? Sure, maybe. He wouldn't do that, he wouldn't say something like that just to spare someone's feelings, and certainly not Dongju's. They'd known each other for too long to pretend like that.

She'd take what she could get because it was nice. Hearing it from Geonhak directly gave her a little confidence boost. Maybe she'd show him more pretty things in the future, if the mere thought of doing so didn't make her want to explode.

"That was good! I've been telling you they won't care. First guy down, and he was the one you cared most about!"

Now it's Dongju's turn to flinch, because she certainly had not told Hyunjin about her crush on Geonhak. She would remember that.

"Who said he was the most important one? Who are your sources?" Dongju raises one eyebrow, trying her best to look suspicious and not nervous.

It did nothing for her, so the effort was really just wasted.

"Oh come on. Whenever I brought up telling somebody you'd always mention him first. Every single time. I'm not that stupid."  

Dongju had no counter to that, unfortunately. She simply sighed, then nodded and watched as Hyunjin grinned in triumph.

After the Geonhak skirt fiasco, Dongju decided to move along a little more because clearly, things would come to light whether she wanted them to or not. And Dongju did not like being out of control like that, not about her own identity. So she planned, and she wondered, and she panicked, and she cried a little. Ultimately, she knew she couldn't control her friend's thoughts and reactions and would just have to trust that they would accept her.  

"Hey, uh, guys?" Dongju peeked around the door, and all their heads snapped over to her at her voice.

It's clear they're all anxiously waiting, because she gave them almost no information on what was happening. Just that she had an announcement. Geonhak looked a little more relaxed, he must assume he already knew what this is about. If it were any other situation Dongju might have laughed, but she was too stressed about this to even try. He was about to get the shock of a lifetime.

"Okay, first of all, this." She hesitated a moment before stepping out from behind the door.

Hwanwoong is the first one to say anything, "cute!"

Agreements from everyone else ring out after. Geonhak leaned back onto the couch a little bit with a smug smile.

"I already told you I think you look good in this one." He said.

It's true, and precisely why she chose this skirt specifically. Geonhak wouldn't steer her wrong, which gave her peace knowing he would be behind her for this part. The rest of them explode, demanding to know why he got to see before the rest of them. Dongju rolls her eyes, these guys never change.

"It was an accident! Stop all your complaining, my ears hurt." She shuts them up fast, but they still don't look happy. Hwanwoong in particular side-eyes Geonhak and if she didn't want to avoid another argument Dongju might have laughed.

"But you said first of all right? So I feel like there's something else still." Seoho said, turning back to her.

Ah, trust Seoho to pick up on and remember that. Oldest of the friend group, always paying too much attention.

"Yeah." Dongju sighed.

She went over her mental script and the answers for the immediate questions she had a feeling they'd have.

"This is really hard, so I'll tell you when I'm done. Just… wait." She pauses, trying to force the words out of her mouth. "I'm trans. I'm a girl. And if that changes anything between us I'm sorry, but I can't live like this anymore. Hearing 'he' is grating, and being called a man makes me want to claw my skin off. I'm sure you have questions, ask away. Unless you just wanna kick me out right now. Yeah, I guess that's all.."

A few seconds of silence pass as they all process everything she'd said. Geonhak got there first, his face twisting in displeasure.

"We're not kicking you out. If anyone wants you to leave just because of this, I'm telling them to leave, not you."

A few tears well up, but Dongju starts blinking them away, determined not to cry about this in front of them. They all agreed quickly after that, and Dongju couldn't be more relieved.

"It might be hard at first, and I'm sorry for when I say something wrong. But you're still you, and I still love you." Seoho said.

Damn you, Seoho. That did it. Dongju crouched and hunched in on herself, suddenly sobbing almost violently. An explosion of emotion that no one was prepared for. All 4 men close in quickly to try and comfort her, murmuring comforting words. What Dongju is even less ready for is Geonhak petting her hair. It felt so good that she leaned towards him a little, only realizing when her side hits his knee, and she jerks back.

He didn't push it, which Dongju was very thankful for. She could only handle so many emotions at once, and flustered embarrassment would not be one of them. It took a while, and at some point, they all have to sit down to avoid their legs and feet going numb. Eventually, Dongju's tears slow, and she begins to breathe correctly again.

Someone's warmth disappears from behind her, and half a minute later, Keonhee crouches in front of her, a large glass of water in hand. She took it gratefully and downed it, not realizing just how dehydrated all that crying made her.

She did feel a little more clear-headed now. No one was upset, they all rushed to comfort her, and everything was still okay. Nothing is perfect, but things should get a little easier now.

What did not get any easier is having feelings for Geonhak, but at this point, Dongju expects that. She wasn’t even sure if her gender complicates things because she'd never heard of him with someone else, and he didn't talk about it either, at least not with her. And she'd rather fling herself into space than ask him, so she did some information-gathering first. In the process, she learns some harsh truths.

"Oh, are you thinking of finally confessing to him?" Hwanwoong asked.

Alarming statements all around, considering she had not spoken a word of her feelings to him. Lying to Hwanwoong was useless, especially since she was sure her shock was written all over her face already.

"Who told you? I bet it was Hyunjin. I never should have trusted that snake." Dongju bit her lip and contemplates the best method of revenge for this betrayal.

"What? No. I figured it out because when he's not looking, you look at him like he's the best thing since iced americanos. It would be sweet if it weren't so awful."

What if she murders this guy one day because spewing such absolute nonsense should be a crime. Surely, she looked at Geonhak in a completely normal way.

"Like he personally puts the moon up every night. I think it's sweet, but you didn't seem ready to talk about it, so I didn't say anything." Seoho said, staring at her and shrugging.

"This may be the worst day of my life," Dongju declares, and Seoho sputters. "My roommates know I have feelings for this guy, but I didn't tell any of them. What am I doing wrong?"

"Are you always this dramatic? Or does Geonhak just inspire that in you?"

Dongju ignores him in favour of pondering how her life led to this point. If she was so obvious about it, did Geonhak know too? He wasn’t the most observant guy, but it wasn’t like he was completely oblivious. Now, she had to deal with a new layer of nervousness around him, as if she wasn't doing badly enough already.

Despite that, she manages to be reasonable and normal around him, or she assumes. It all crumbles when they're out one day. They're all just walking around together, being menaces and taking up the whole sidewalk. Suddenly, Seoho flinches and sidesteps into Dongju, who yelps and glares. Seoho defends himself very quickly by pointing to the kid attached to his leg, who looked to be on the verge of tears. Geonhak moved so fast, and Dongju took a half-step back in shock.

"Hey, little buddy. My name is Geonhak, what's yours?"

The kid hesitates, clearly heeding stranger danger warnings but too far from any parental figure to say no.

"Hajun."

"Nice to meet you, Hajun! These are my friends. Can we help you find your parents? I bet they're very worried. Where did you see them last?"

"Back there. But they were going that way. I just wanted to look at the cool toys." His eyes start welling up again, but Geonhak is faster.

"Very good! You wanna go up on my shoulders? Then you can tell us about them, and we can all look together."

That dried the tears quickly, and Hajun nodded so fast that Dongju worried for his neck. Geonhak crouched down, and Seoho leaned down to assist Hajun's little legs up. Hajun squeals when Geonhak stands, and he flew up. For a moment, Dongju relived the weightless feeling she remembers as a child. She snapped out of it when they started walking, and Hajun began to talk.

"My mommy is kind of short, and she says one day I'll be taller than her. I'm so excited. But I won't be taller than my dad 'cause he's tall like you, Geonhak-ssi!"

Incredibly cute but not helpful. Many women were short, and plenty of men were tall, like Geonhak. Dongju was hoping that Hajun's parents recognized him and come over because she wasn’t sure that he would be helpful in their search.

"I bet you'll grow tall like your dad, Hajun. What are your parents wearing? Some cool outfit just like you?" Geonhak asked, and thank goodness for him. Dongju didn't know where they'd be otherwise right now.

Of course, Hajun only locks on to the most important part of that message. "You think my outfit is cool? Thanks Geonhak-ssi! I think your outfit is cool, too."

Dongju had to admit the kid had taste. Geonhak had a monochrome outfit on, and Dongju had been staring. A black and white jacket, a white shirt with some indeterminate design, and lethal black skinny jeans. She had tripped several times today because she was staring at his ass. In her defense, it's a nice ass!

"Thanks, buddy. What cool outfits are your parents wearing?" Dongju mentally congratulates Hwanwoong on the seamless transition.

"They're not wearing cool outfits! Not like you, mister." Hwanwoong visibly preened at the compliment, and in Dongju's opinion, it was horrifying. "My dad is wearing his weirdo One Piece shirt, and my mom is wearing her nerdy Sailor Moon shirt. They always argue about which one is better. I think it's dumb cause Naruto is better. Obviously."

"Obviously." Keonhee laughed, and Dongju found herself laughing along, too, amused by this child's certainty about his opinions.

They walk, and they keep walking. Dongju was starting to get worried that Hajun's parents were behind them somewhere or crossed the street to look and that they weren't going to find them. But she didn't say anything, so they just kept going.

"Hajun!" They hear, and they all whip around to find the source.

Two people frantically pushed through the crowd towards them and shouted for Hajun. Hajun himself starts wiggling, and it took quick moves from Keonhee to avoid either Hajun or Geonhak getting injured. Hajun and his parents meet in the middle in a heartwarming moment. His mother looked near crying, clearly frantic about losing her son for several minutes. His father hardly looked any better, but Dongju could see the panic melting away into relief. After a minute or three, they stand and look at the group.

"Thank you so much for helping him. We were so afraid when we looked down, and he wasn't there anymore. I should have been paying more attention." Hajun's mother said.

"No, no, it was my pleasure. He's a very well-behaved kid, you're doing well with him." Geonhak said sheepishly.

"You're very kind, thank you. Okay. Hajun, buddy. What do you say to the kind people?" Hajun's father bent down and asked.

Hajun gasped, bowing to them all. "Thank you, Geonhak-ssi and friends! I had fun."

Hajun stands and beams at them all, and they all look back at him, smiling just as sweetly. Of course, Dongju is drawn to look at Geonhak's smile. He seemed to be smiling the widest of them all, and Dongju would bet 10 bucks that he was already attached to Hajun.

It was devastating, and Dongju is barely holding herself together. She was able to keep it together while searching because that was much more pressing, but now Hajun is safe, and she had nothing else to focus on. The family walks away, talking happily amongst themselves and moving on with their day.

Thankfully no one is paying attention to her, and she had a few moments to pull herself together while they all discussed Hajun's cuteness on a scale from 1-10. Or, she thought no one was looking at her, but she heard her name in the middle of one of her deep breaths. It's a tone so familiar that her eyes snap open and immediately slide over to him. True to form, Geonhak is looking at her, practically staring her down and analyzing her from head to toe. She knew the man better than almost anyone else and still found it intimidating.

"You okay, Ju? You seemed upset." Geonhak asked.

"Of course! Just a little tired and stressed from being surrounded by all these people, you know how it is." Dongju throws on her best little smile and prays it's good enough for him to believe.

It seemed to be, as Geonhak watched her for a few seconds longer, then nodded his head, seemingly seeing what he needed.

"Okay. Let me know if you need a break. We can go to the side, or I can take you home."

Dongju could kiss him on the damn mouth right now, but that would defeat the whole point of her holding her feelings in. Instead, she just nodded, and they kept moving on with their original plans for the day out. They still circle back to Hajun occasionally, talking about how cute he was or how it was good he found them and not some creepy people, but mostly how cute he was. It's mostly Geonhak leading that part of the conversation, and Dongju had to actively and viciously squash down the thought of Geonhak with his own children and what they would look like.

They enter some random store, and a few minutes in, Seoho pulls her over to the side and starts whispering before Dongju could even process what was happening.

"You looked like you were in pain while Geonhak talked about that kid. Are you okay?"

Dongju externally just sighed, but inside, she was crying and about to lose it. Was she really that obvious? Oh, god. Hopefully, Geonhak was too distracted thinking about Hajun and didn't notice. But he was so observant, so he probably did, and thought she was a total weirdo. It was over.

"Dong. Ju. Shut that head up and answer me." Seoho hisses.

"Fine, I'm fine. Typical crisis about how cute he is with kids, no biggie. I just have to pray he didn't notice me being weird." Dongju shook her head.

Seoho waved it off. "Not much weirder than you normally are, it'll be fine."

Dongju is about to ask exactly what the hell that is supposed to mean, but Geonhak decided it is the perfect time for him to appear.

"Why are you two hiding in the corner? You could've told us if you wanna leave." Geonhak tilted his head, and Dongju had to take a deep breath before she said something stupid. It was really a problem.

"Nothing, nothing. Our little Ju is just having some boy problems." Seoho grins wickedly and casually strolls off, leaving Dongju silently plotting how to murder him quietly but painfully.

When she looked over, Geonhak looked... strange. When he saw her looking, he smiled and put on his older brother face.

"Boy problems, huh? You know you can come to me for those. We gotta make sure he's good enough for you." Geonhak said seriously, and it took everything in Dongju's muscles not to react in any of the immediate ways she wanted to.

"Ah.... seriously. You'd like him. He's protective, kind, smart, and funny. Too good to be liking someone like me." Dongju sighed, staring at her feet.

Geonhak made some strange set of offended noises. When Dongju looked up, she saw his accompanying twisted face and knew what was about to come.

"He'd be an absolute fool not to like you! If he's that dumb, then you're too good for him." Geonhak said.

Once again, Dongju had to tamp down the ironic laugh that wanted to jump out. She wishes she could tell him not to be so mean to himself, but she categorically refuses to confess publicly. If she had to do it, it would not be in some tacky clothing store in the middle of the day.

"Thanks. Anyways, not like I'm going to do anything about it. So, if he likes me back then we'll never know."

Geonhak wanted to protest, she could see it in his face, but Keonhee popped up from behind a rack and told him to come look at something. How neither of them saw that man the size of a tree walking over was entirely unknown, but Geonhak smiled awkwardly and shrugged. Dongju laughed a little at him and waved him off.

It hurts to be so close yet so far. Was Geonhak's praise a platonic or, romantic or other type of praise? At least it was genuine, which always felt good, but it made her heart go wild in a way that she shouldn't know if she should be accepting or not. He didn't seem overly bothered by her so-called "boy problems," which told her nothing.

Dongju had always and would always go to her mother for help if she needed something. That bond hadn't broken through time and change, and she loves her mother through all of it.

The first piece of advice is entirely expected.

"Give him food, honey! Everyone loves food, and not having to make it is nice. You've always said that man of yours is like a vacuum for food, and you know he'll appreciate the effort."

Dongju felt herself light up like a fire truck at "that man of yours" and immediately starts whining. It's a good thing she remembered to put her headphones in before this because if anyone else is home, they do not need to hear this. They'd teased her about this enough as is. Her mother laughed and ignored all of Dongju's very valid complaints.

"I've seen that man, and I know you'll get him. Though, you should do it quickly, just in case. Someone else might come along, and he might choose them if he doesn't know you're an option." Her mother said wisely.

Dongju just sighed because she knew, but hearing it from someone else was scary. Sitting back and watching Geonhak fall in love with someone else would tear her apart. If she tried, she'd know it wasn't meant to be and could try to move on.

"Ah, yeah. I know."

"If you know, then why haven't you done it yet, my girl! Make him your man properly."

Dongju's heart warmed hearing "my girl" come so naturally from her mother's mouth. It had taken a bit of accidental slip-ups, but her mother was so proactive that it was over quickly.

"I should do it soon, right? Kick everyone out and then surprise him after the gym or something. Yeah."

"Yes! It'll be perfect, he'll be so hungry, and then you can get out of your own head and talk to him when he's done."

Dongju's jaw nearly cracks at how quickly it drops open in sheer offense at her mother calling her out. She might be correct, but damn, she didn't need to say it like that! Her mother just cackles through the phone and waves goodbye, hanging up before she could get upset. Dongju lets out a short yell and then groans loudly, flopping back into her pillow pile.

After a short moment, a knock came at her door and opened after she called out some strange, probably affirmative, noise. Of course, Geonhak peeked around the corner, smirking in amusement when he saw her body flopped haphazardly all over the blankets and pillows.

"Everything okay in here? Nothing seems broken." He cautiously looked around, searching for anything broken or injured.

"No, I'm okay. Sorry. My mom was teasing me when I called her, and then she hung up before I could get her back."

Geonhak laughed, and Dongju pouted at him until he noticed.

"I love your mom, seriously. Is she gonna come down again soon? It's been a while."

"Why do you like my mother so much! She's gonna adopt you as her own damn son at this rate."

Geonhaks clicked his tongue and shook his head at her. Dongju felt slightly offended by it but let him speak before she ripped his head off. He should have felt lucky that he was so pretty (and kind and funny and-) because Hwanwoong would absolutely not be given that grace.

"You gotta make good impressions on everyone's moms for 2 reasons: they would believe you about anything and give you banging free food." Geonhak nodded slowly, like he'd just told Dongju the secrets of the universe.

He wasn’t wrong, but it was a little lackluster. For now, he lived.

Dongju had planned everything out, and it would convince Geonhak that she was very dateable. Until that confession happened, Dongju's roommates would still have to deal with her rants regularly. She loved them, even if she'd never say it.

Today's victim was Seoho.

"Seriously, dude. Seeing him with that kid permanently rewired my brain, I swear to god." She groans.

Seoho looked at her for a moment. "I don't know how that's possible, given how down bad you were before."

Dongju sits up, mouth hanging open and glaring at Seoho. She flops back into his pillows when he simply raises an eyebrow, silently screaming and kicking her feet.

"1. Rude. 2. It is possible. My brain is losing it 24/7. Do you understand how hard it was not to say something like 'hi, Geonhak! After seeing you with that child, I can't stop thinking about having an apartment with you and seeing you wake up in the morning and you coming home to me after working your day as a teacher!' He'd have me committed to a fucking psych ward. I'd probably deserve it at this rate 'cause what is this."

Seoho opened his mouth to say something, but someone hesitantly knocked at his door before he could. Dongju immediately freezes and looked about halfway to passing out then and there. Seoho stands but waits a minute to ensure she won't be doing that before swinging the door open.

She couldn't see Seoho's expression from there, and there was no time to say anything before he went past the person in the doorway. And who else walks in but Geonhak himself. She couldn’t do this right now, absolutely not. Apparently, she was rooted to her spot by some freeze instinct and possibly some masochistic will to see what he'd say. Assuming he heard what she had said before and didn't just happen to come in.

"So. You wanna live in a cute apartment with me and see my horrible morning bedhead?" Geonhak asked sheepishly, playing with his fingers and not looking at her.

Internally, she wondered how he was acting like the nervous one right now.

"I mean. Right now I'd much prefer going to drown in the nearest body of water, actually." Dongju stared at the ceiling, wondering how her life had come to this point.

"Um, I'd appreciate it if you didn't do that. Taking a soaking, drowned body on a date seems like a pretty bad time for everybody."

She had to sit and blink for a good 30 seconds or so just trying to process what that man just said. Surely, he didn't say date. Surely, he just said... something that sounds like date and had a similar meaning but wasn't. She had to sit up and look at him when he said nothing else. He was still fidgeting with his fingers and not looking at her.

"Did you just say date? Like a romantic type of date?"

"Yes. And if you're not going to drown yourself, then I'd like to take your very alive self on one instead. If you want to anyways, we obviously don't ha-"

His nervous rambling gave Dongju the strength and rage to push herself off the bed and stalk over to him.

"How did you hear me telling Seoho that I want you to come home to me and still wonder if I want to go on a date with you?"

Geonhak stayed silent and just took one, then two, slow steps toward her, stopping just far enough away that she could feel his presence.

"Can I kiss you?" He whispered.

She nodded before thinking and stared at him, waiting and not daring to move. He raises his hand and lays it lightly on her cheek before leaning in. Dongju's eyes flutter closed and she stayed in the dark for a moment for him. When their lips touched, he put his other hand on her waist, and all she wanted to feel was more. She couldn't tell him that, but she tried to push a little into his hand anyway.

Their first kiss is short, and sweet, and she pulls back less than a centimeter before going back for more. Her arms feel awkward by her side, so she put them on his broad shoulders. Finally, she got to feel the results of all his workouts instead of just staring longingly. And, presumably, she'd be able to do that a lot more now, too. Delightful.

It still wasn’t enough for her, and Dongju looped her arms around his neck and pushed herself closer, pressing their chests together. Geonhak made a surprised little noise, but it only seemed to inspire him to grab her waist firmer with both hands. Exactly the way she wanted. The half-second pull away to breathe quickly stopped being enough, and Dongju leaned back then laid her forehead on his shoulder.

"Fuck." She breathed, and then giggled a little at her own breathlessness.

Geonhak laughed with her, holding her close. It's perfect. Everything is warm and comfortable, just as Geonhak always had been for her.

[arcadevalorie]

I lost my comfort person yesterday.

My first thought was to talk to her about it. I tell her everything. If I don’t know who else to talk to, I go to her. She was there when I realized I was aro-ace, she was there when I stopped being a girl. She was there when I came out to my mom.

I’m still in that phase where the pain is here but the reality is delayed. Like one day she’ll respond and it’ll all be okay.

The impression she left is beyond words. A fucking image of the moon got me going all over again last night.

The last 36 hours have been a looping cycle of sleeping and sobbing. I’ve scarcely thought of anything other than her.

Poor Bijou must be so confused. Dogs can be smart when a person is sick, but there’s nothing that could explain to her why her whole world is gone.

Worse than being left to see all the things I know she loved, is being here to experience the things she’s going to miss out on even though I know she’d love them.

I remember we were so excited about the next Stardew Valley update and Haunted Chocolatier.

When those drop I’ll be sure to message her. I’m not a religious person, but I wanna make an effort in case somehow, some way, she can hear me.

I can’t handle not letting her know what she missed while she was away.

She’s always been that voice of reason. Even when I made dumb mistakes she forgave me, but she didn’t excuse my choices.

She was one of the first actual friends I had that I made because we connected, she was there in the first space where I felt like I truly belonged.

Just a few months after we met I was 12 years old and having the best summer of my life.

Nothing could beat that feeling.

And now she’s gone.

If she had a choice for how she inhabits what’s next, I figure she’d wanna be somewhere dreamlike and rustic, maybe a little gothic, with overgrowth on the outside.

The last time we called I fell asleep because I was tired from fighting with someone who wasn’t worth my time, trying to salvage an unstable and unworkable friendship.

That’s my biggest regret, I think. The last time I heard her voice outside of a recording, I was hardly even listening.

Life’s gone so dark.

Even when we wouldn’t speak for weeks because of how busy she’d get, there was always that stability. If I said something, she’d get back to me eventually.

Michelle, I will always love you so much. I’ll miss hearing it back, I’ll miss talking about stupid shit while we fuck around on our little Stardew farm. I’ll miss putting stuff in the tag I made for you and one day getting flooded with reblogs from you, it made me so happy to know I found things you liked.

I’m sorry I never sent the package I had ready for you. Things never lined up right.

I’ll never get to give you the necklace I made for you.

It’s not much, but you never ask for a lot.

[sissytobitch10seconds]

An Announcement of Numbers

Fandom: The Umbrella Academy Summary: Allison sent him a birth announcement for his niece, Claire, almost a year ago. At the time he thought it was tacky and unneeded, but he kind of understands it now. Warnings: Mentions of child abuse, pregnancy, trans-male pregnancy, and addiction Word Count: 7,143 Ship(s): Allison Hargreeves & Diego Hargreeves & Klaus Hargreeves & Viktor Hargreeves

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A/N: So I wrote this a very long time ago, before I had ever watched S3. I put it on hold because I wasn't sure what I wanted to do with it but eventually I decided to edit out Viktor's deadname and replace everything. If there are any missed pronouns or names please let me know so that I can edit it! Stay sissy and bitchy everyone &lt;3

Viktor didn't like announcement cards very much. He thought that they were tacky and classist, a complete waste of time. He had things that he wanted to announce to his siblings before, but he had always been too poor to afford them so just hand wrote them notes. They seemed to respond better to those than they had the announcement cards they got from others back when they were all living together in the Academy. He sent them his little notes when he had graduated from college, and then again when he had performed at his first concert. Of course, none of his siblings had been able to attend either one of them, but they had written him letters in reply.

The Hargreeves siblings wanted no reminders of their time back in the Academy, other than Luther who had stayed there long after the rest of them left, but they did want to stay in contact with each other. Allison had almost immediately run away to LA so that she could be a famous movie star. Diego had stuck around in the city to become a police officer and continue the crime fighting like he had as a child. Klaus had run away in the city, always chasing after his next fix. Klaus and Diego saw each other more than any of the other siblings did, especially with the two brother's conflicted career paths.

They chose to stay in contact with each other by sending letters back and forth. Diego's letters were always short and direct. Sometimes he would include a message from Klaus, scrawled in his own messy handwriting, letting them know that he was still breathing despite his best efforts. Allison loved to send them care packages full of things that she had gathered while in LA. Viktor would send them long letters telling them all about his orchestra and the kids that he taught. He even sent them his book after he had gotten the requested copies from his publisher.

He hadn't gotten the response that he had been expecting from that, though. He had partially been expecting them to not pay it any mind, like they did most of his accomplishments, or to encourage him to speak out about the abuse they faced as children. Instead, he had gotten an angry call from each of them. Diego had yelled at him about springing this on him when Klaus was in rehab after an overdose and he had just failed the police academy. Allison had lectured him for similar reasons, asking if her brother was purposefully threatening her brand new marriage and sparkling career. After that, he had gotten absolutely no word from either of them. Their messages had been pretty clear, they wanted nothing to do with him.

That made it all the more surprising when he found a crisp green envelope buried in the junk mail and bills he usually got. Allison used to send all of her packages and letters in wrappings similar to that, and her handwriting was scrawled on the front. Viktor had, of course, immediately opened it despite running a little late in his routine. Inside he had found a birth announcement for his niece. It had a picture of a newborn baby swaddled in a blanket with the Umbrella Academy logo in small print all over it. On the bottom in a beautiful gray print was the baby's name and the day that she was born.

A mix of emotions had gone through him once he received the announcement. He knew that Allison loved little announcements like this, as she had sent her siblings ones for her marriage and several of her movie premiers even if none of them could attend. Because he knew his sister, Viktor also knew that there had been a pregnancy announcement that he hadn't gotten. The only reason that he got this one was most likely because Allison and her husband Patrick had been too worn out by their new arrival to remember their grudge. Viktor was angry about the fact that his sister hadn't told him that she was pregnant. He also understood why Allison hadn't, which came with a bit of grief and guilt. He was relieved that he had gotten news about his niece at all. The main feeling that he got was a resurgence in his feelings about how tacky announcement cards were.

His feelings changed when he had a child of his own. 

Viktor had never expected to be a parent at any point in his entire life. His most serious relationship was the one that ended up getting him pregnant, and they broke up at least twice a month. Still, when he was holding the little black and white picture confirming that he was growing a child, he resolved himself to keeping them despite the dysphoria it would cause him. The process was long and hard, especially since he was doing it alone, but the nurses and doctor working with him through the pregnancy had been wonderful. They were supportive and kind towards his needs and desires during his sixteen hour long labor, all of which he had spent in the hospital since she had pre-eclampsia, even snapping a few pictures of key moments. 

One of such moments was right after his little one had been born. She had quite literally just slid out into the world, the doctor placing her onto her father’s chest. Viktor’s face was visible in the picture and showed nothing but love and adoration for the little one in his arms. He looked exhausted, with huge dark circles under his eyes from barely sleeping at night since his third trimester started, and he was pale from the pre-eclampsia, but he had never seen himself look happier. After seeing that image, he decided that he had to share his joy with others.

---

Klaus had been crashing on Diego’s couch for almost three days when he got the envelope in the mail. It had been thrown into the back room of the gym that he worked and lived at, along with some junk mail with his name on it. The aforementioned man had stolen it right out of his hands before he got the chance to open it and did it himself. Diego was only able to steal back the envelope so that he could see the return address had Viktor’s new name above it.

"Woah," Klaus whispered. "I'm either too high or not high enough."

"What? What could he want to say?" he asked, spitting the pronoun out like it was burning him. He stalked over to his brother, replacing the little postcard that Klaus was holding with the envelope like he was a child. Klaus seemed perfectly happy to play with the edges of it while Diego processed what was in his hands. "No fucking way, man," he whispered. 

"Please welcome the newest member of our family: Annika Grace Hargreeves," Klaus recited from memory as he chucked the envelope vaguely in the direction of his coffee table. 

Diego walked over to his brother. He slapped Klaus' legs away until he was forced to sit properly and give room for the other man. "Look at this," he said, forcing the postcard back into his hands.

"It's a baby," the addict replied blankly.

"It's a baby that our brother, our brother that wrote a stupid b-book about us is cl-claiming is his," the anger that was already boiling in his gut reached an explosion point when he started stuttering. It had been so long since he had a stuttering episode, he had specifically been avoiding situations that would make him too emotional so that he could speak clearly, that he had forgotten any other emotion for a moment. The volatile ex-hero reached to the coffee table where he had a handful of knives and shot two at the wall behind them.

Klaus let out a small screech as he moved away from the assault just in time to avoid being hit. "Why are you like this?" he hissed, kicking at him.

Now that he had a bit of his emotion worked through, he grabbed the postcard again. Diego studied the picture on the front, right above the words explaining what the newborn's name was and when she had been born. It was a picture of a quite literally brand new baby, still red and slightly lopsided. She had a tiny hand clenched tightly into a fist up by the side of her face with a lock of familiar brown hair in between her fingers. He could make out the very edge of Viktor’s face, which held the brightest smile that he had ever seen him wear.

"Our brother had a baby," he whispered as it really began to sink in. Despite all of the resentment that had built up over the years at the book Viktor had published airing all of their dirty laundry during an already terrible time in his life, he regretted the fact that he hadn't felt safe telling him that he was pregnant. 

"Annika and Claire are going to be around the same age, aren't they?" Klaus hummed. He snatched the postcard from Diego and looked it over again. "He looks happy. Doesn't say who the other father is though. Maybe V doesn't want us to meet him."

Diego folded his arms over his chest. "Get sober for a couple of days, I want to go and meet the guy that knocked up our baby brother."

"You want to go meet our niece," Klaus looked off to the side like someone else was talking to him. His smile softened for a little bit, as did the tenseness in his shoulders. "I guess I can go without anything for a couple of days if it means getting to see V smile like this in person."

---

Allison got a lot of mail. So much that her manager, a lovely woman named Debbie, made her sit down once a month and go through it all. They would skim through a lot of the letters, shredding any that had come from stalkers or poorly concealed paparazzi. Everything else she would reply to with the best of her abilities. Some of the standard 'I love your work' fanmail got an automated printed response that was still in her handwriting but that she didn't have to answer by hand. She liked it when she got mail from little kids that were looking up to her and wanted to know actual, genuine questions.

Today was one of those days. She had her daughter on her lap as she opened each letter and tossed it into the proper pile. Her manager was doing the same, turning every now and again to make a cooing noise at the six-month-old.

"What's this?" Patrick asked as he walked over. He moved so that he was sitting down behind his wife with his hand on her hip. He grabbed a letter that he had spotted out of the pile that looked different than the rest. He turned it over a couple of times before Claire giggled and reached for his nose with her little hand. His attention immediately moved away from the letter and to their daughter, "Hey there, cutie. Are you helping Mommy with her work? Yeah, I bet you are."

The actress removed the letter from his hand so that she was holding it. She allowed her husband to entertain their baby while she tried to figure out who had sent her the letter. "It's from Viktor," Allison interrupted after she finally had time to process. The envelope itself was a lovely pink color, very soft and quiet. Her brother’s loopy scrawl covered the front, giving Allison's address and her own return address.

"Viktor?" both Debbie and Patrick perked up at that.

"As in the brother that sent you the book that almost ruined your movie deal?" her manager asked, raising a perfectly plucked brow. "I'd just throw it out. What would you want to do with him after what he did to you?"

The married couple glanced at each other before they focused back down at the letter. "Do you think that he wants to talk to you about Claire? We did send him a birth announcement, so it's not like he doesn't know he's an uncle."

"You sent him a birth announcement? After everything that he did to you?" Debbie questioned, her voice a scoffing scorn.

"He's still my brother. We didn't tell the media about Claire's birth, I at least wanted to tell everyone in my family," Allison replied. She turned the letter in her hand over again before she sliced it open with her fingernail. She removed the postcard inside and then felt a jolt of emotion that she couldn't quite name. It was similar to the announcement that they had sent the other Academy members just six months ago. The material that the card was made out of was a lot cheaper than what they had been able to afford. It was clear that Viktor had several of the photos printed at a print shop for the cheapest yet nicest material that he could get. The pictures weren't professional, they didn't even look like they had been taken with a camera, more like they had been taken on someone's phone.

And yet, Allison couldn't help the way that her heart melted. The picture brought back memories of her own delivery with Claire. Viktor and his newborn were having their second skin-to-skin moment that most new parents got in the hospital. The baby had been cleaned off and had her hospital band around her little wrist. Her hand was grasped tightly around a lock of her father’s hair while pressed to the side of her face. She was mid-yawn, with just the smallest sliver of blue iris visible in the slit of her eye. Viktor’s face was mostly out of frame, but Allison could see the brightest smile resting on his features. He looked tired, but like he had never loved more before in his life.

"I can't believe that he had a baby," she murmured when the information finally began to sink in. "He was pregnant when I sent him Claire's birth announcement. The two of us could have talked! Why didn't he tell me?"

"Baby, did you ever consider that it was because of the call where you screamed at him for publishing a book talking about your childhoods?" Patrick asked carefully as he rubbed his hand on the small of her back.

"I… suppose," she clicked her tongue. She glanced up at her manager, "Do you think that I'd be able to go back and visit my siblings before the shoot of the next movie?"

Debbie sighed as she set the couple of letters in her hand down on the table. She stood up, already pulling her phone from her pocket, "I'll see what I can do. You're only going to be able to stay a couple of days, and I wouldn't bring Claire. Especially if you don't want the paparazzi swarming her before she's even a year old."

"I'll stay with her," Patrick said quickly. "You can go out and meet your brother’s baby-"

"Annika," Allison said quickly.

"Right, you can go and see Annika. When both of the girls are old enough we can introduce them to each other. I think they're a little small for a cross country field trip at the moment," he chuckled. "Especially Annika."

Allison turned so that she could press her lips to her husband's. He chuckled but then happily kissed her back. "Thank you, my love," she whispered as she placed her forehead against his in another act of affection. Claire was beginning to get a bit rowdy in her lap, wiggling around in discontent. "Oh, lovely. How are you going to survive without all eyes on you while Mommy is visiting Uncle Viktor, huh?" she asked softly.

"We'll make due," Patrick replied. He gave his wife another swift kiss. He gathered their daughter up in his arms as he got up and left her to her work. Allison's flight was scheduled out to the East Coast after just a few hours.

---

Almost as soon as her flight touched down, Allison was digging through her contacts to find her brother's number. She had nearly dialed the last rehab facility that Klaus had been forced to attend before she found Diego's actual number. She was walking through the airport with her hair tied back in a bun and a large pair of sunglasses to cover her face in the hopes that it would stop her from being recognized. She much preferred being back in the smaller parts of their hometown, where everyone recognized them from their superhero days and didn't care about them anymore. Relief flooded through her when she finally got to her cab and Diego answered one of the numerous calls she had now burdened his phone with.

"What?" he snapped immediately upon their lines being connected.

"Viktor had a baby," she said smartly. She had been up with Claire almost the entire night before, so she had slept while on the flight. That meant that her brain was five steps behind the rest of her.

"I'm well aware. I got the same announcement I assume you did," he replied.

"Why didn't you tell me? You live in the same city as him, you had to get it a week before I did at least," she snapped.

Her brother let out a small huff. There was a lot of background noise on the call, including a voice that Allison thought she recognized. "I did. I've been helping Klaus get sober so that we can go and visit our niece."

"You two are going to see the baby too?"

"What do you mean 'too'?" Klaus' voice spoke into the phone.

Allison rolled her eyes and waited the several long minutes it took for her two brothers to stop squabbling like they were six again before she answered, "I flew out here as soon as I could. I mean, we've both been pregnant and we have kids around the same age. I thought that Viktor could use his sister. I want to meet the father too."

"I guess we'll come and pick you up at the airport then," Diego replied. "No point in the both of us going to disrupt a new parent at different times."

"Yeah, because I'm sure that Vik-Vik will love to have us all crammed in his apartment with his newborn after not talking with us for years," Klaus said, sarcastically, and loudly.

"I'm actually going to the hotel I'll be staying in while I'm here. I think that it's a good idea for us to all go at once. That way he can kick us all out at the same time if he doesn't want us there. He doesn't have to tell us separately," Allison replied. She remembered how awful it had been having different waves of Patrick's family and their friends come and visit them when Claire had been born. Everyone thought that it was helping to sit around and coo at the baby while the new parents had to do work around the house instead of doing the chores themselves.

"We'll pick you up at the hotel, just give us the address. And don't worry, Klaus is totally sober and under supervision," Diego replied. 

Allison provided him with the information that he needed and he promptly hung up. She rolled her eyes fondly at that. The rest of the cab ride was spent with nervous anticipation. She was still in contact with her brothers, but they had just been sending letters back and forth since she had left for Los Angeles, so she hadn't seen them in person since their Academy days. She dumped her bags into her room as quickly as she could after checking in. As soon as everything was securely locked away to be dealt with after she had her little family reunion, she rushed back down to the lobby. 

Diego and Klaus already stood there, waiting for her. A bright grin split her face as she rushed over to them. Klaus opened his arms and immediately wrapped her up in a hug, though Diego took a step away from them both to avoid physical contact. "It's so good to see you both. I know that we talked on the phone and sent letters, but it almost didn't feel real. I'm glad that you're both alive and standing."

"For the most part," Klaus chuckled when he removed himself from her arms. The actress felt a stab in her heart when she realized how badly life had been treating him. He was as thin as he could be without his bones literally poking out of his skin, and his appearance had this sour yellow undertone to it where he used to be rosy-hued and tan. His eyes were sunk back into his head and ringed by gray and black, one from eyeliner and one from lack of sleep. His smile never quite reached those secretive green eyes of his. He was wearing a pair of jeans and a crop top, the former obviously taken from Diego's closet. 

She grasped his hand, giving it a reassuring squeeze. "Are we ready to go see Viktor?"

"Mm," their brother replied instead of giving them an actual answer. He turned on his heel and walked out of the hotel, expecting them to follow. Allison rolled her eyes but hurried after him. Klaus wound his arms easily around her waist to keep her close to him. Even as children they had both been pretty physical with each other when Diego had been distant. He didn't like receiving hugs or kisses, even from their mother, like the rest of them did. They had grown up with it so they were more than used to it.

The group of three quickly piled into his car with Klaus in the back, Diego driving, and Allison sitting shotgun. The drive over was filled with talking from two of the three inhabitants as Allison shared what her life was like. Diego and Luther had made it to her wedding, but Klaus hadn't, so she had the opportunity to gush about her husband to someone who had never met him before. Diego was quiet for the most part while they drove, but Allison had known him long enough to know that he was thinking a million miles a minute. Every street that they turned down was being analyzed in his head like he was trying to place crimes they had stopped as children and he had stopped as an adult in each location. To his credit, the further that they drove, the less nice the neighborhoods looked. When they finally stopped in front of the apartment building that their sister lived in, all three of them were a little concerned. It wasn't a bad place to live, but it certainly wasn't what any of them had been expecting Viktor to be raising his baby in. 

The three siblings got out of the car and entered the apartment building. They walked up a couple flights of stairs until they reached the apartment that the man in the front room where the mailboxes were had said Viktor lived. Allison turned to address her brothers before they went any further, "Okay, before we go in there, I want to make a couple of things clear. As a mother myself I can say that there is nothing more annoying than people saying that they're helping by holding your baby for you. All you want to do is hold your baby and having to do chores stops you from doing that. Be nice to him, don't comment on his appearance, and if he cries don't comment on that either."

"We know how to be people, Allison," Klaus rolled his eyes. He pushed past his siblings so that he was the one standing at the door, but right before his knuckles were about to make contact with the wood he paused. All three of them went quiet as they heard the melancholic sound of a violin playing, a sound that had haunted the halls of their home all throughout childhood. "He still plays," the addict smiled softly, this time it reached his eyes.

"Are you really surprised? Violin was his passion even when we were eleven," Diego snarked. He leaned past his brother so that he could knock on the door instead.

The lullaby sound of the instrument stopped as soon as the knocking rang through the hallway and apartment. It was only a second later before the door opened to reveal a tired version of their brother, not that Viktor had ever been really awake in their childhood. He always looked rundown and withdrawn, but now it was a different kind of tiredness. Like he was exhausted but someone had replaced the joy in his eyes. "What can I do… what are you guys doing here?" Viktor asked when he finally realized who was standing in front of him. He turned and glanced back behind him before he looked back at them. "Uh…"

"You're the one that notified us about your bundle of joy, brother of mine," Klaus smiled widely. He reached forward so that he had the short man almost completely wrapped up in a hug. It took a second for him to get over his shock before he responded by returning it.

He buried his head in Klaus’ shoulder and let out a wet sob. Allison looked meaningfully at Diego, who placed his hands up in a mock-surrender. Viktor released him and then began to wipe at his face with the edge of his sweater, "It's been so long since I've heard from you. I try to check around with the rehab places in the city to make sure that you're okay but they rarely give out any information. I'm really glad that you're okay, Klaus."

He rubbed his brother’s shoulder affectionately before he backed away. "Come in, if you want," he motioned to his apartment.

Diego walked past Klaus as he decided that his brother was taking too long. The other two hurried in, and Viktor shut the door behind them. "I hope that you didn't think I was sending you that announcement thing as a way of manipulating you. I just… I kind of wanted someone else to know."

Diego made a sound like he was unsure he believed him as he began to walk around the apartment. He was inspecting the wallpaper peeling up at the top of the wall where it met the ceiling for a moment before he moved to looking at the door. Allison shot him a look that silenced any other noises he might make, but she let him continue on his examination of their brother’s house.

She turned her attention back to the smaller ex-Academy member. She could hear the coo of a baby in the next room over, which she assumed was either Viktor’s bedroom or the nursery. "Can we meet her?" Allison asked, squeezing her hands in front of her like she always did when she was trying to hold herself back.

"Oh, yeah, of course," Viktor hit his hand lightly on his forehead. "Sorry, I've been really scatterbrained recently. I think it's the hormones and lack of sleep, not that I would trade it for anything," he let out a little laugh that made all three siblings stop. They had never, not even as toddlers, heard their brother sound that genuinely happy. He quickly hurried to the next room, and when he returned he had the softest expression of utter adoration resting on his features.

Diego was the closest to him now as he had moved over to the windows, fiddling with the latch that kept them closed from the inside. "She's so small," he commented, blinking down at the bundle.

"Well, if you hadn't noticed, I'm kind of a small person too," Viktor chuckled. "Guys, meet Annika, my daughter." The pride that shown on his features and in his eyes was indescribable.

"Wow," Klaus whispered, moving to peak over the edge of the blanket down at his niece. "You made this all by yourself, Vik-Vik?"

He laughed, shifting his daughter so that the newborn was facing a little bit more towards them and less towards himself. "That is kind of how it works, Klaus."

"Here, come sit down. You have to be exhausted," Allison gently reached out and helped her brother over to the couch. Viktor opened his mouth to object, but just moved with the woman. Allison took that moment to peak over the swaddle herself and get a good look at the little one. She was wearing a blue and green onesie while wrapped in a lovely yellow blanket to try and keep out the March chill that still hung in the air. "How are you feeling? I know you're not even a month postpartum and I remember how awful that was."

"Everyone I talked to said that the hard part would be after the baby was born, but I think this is a lot easier than pregnancy," Viktor chuckled lightly. He tore his eyes away from the gurgling face of his daughter to look to his sister, "Do you want to hold her?"

"I would love to, but you don't have to pass up on time with her if you don't want to. When Claire was born I barely ever wanted to let her out of my sight, even just to sleep," Allison smiled. She had expected things to be a little more awkward, seeing as this was their first face-to-face and voice-to-voice interaction in years, as well as their first interaction since the publishing of that book. 

"Yeah, the first night I had her all I did was watch her breathe through the bassinet. The nurse had to come and take her to the nursery so that I would actually sleep," Viktor laughed. He moved so that he was facing towards his sister, and then gently passed the three-week-old baby over to her. 

Allison had been passed enough baby in her time as a mother that she was able to easily move to hold her. "Hi there," she cooed down at the bundle in her arms. "Hi Annika, I'm your Aunt Allison. I'm so glad that I got to meet you."

Klaus moved so that he was standing behind the couch and looking over Allison's shoulder at the little one in her arms. "She's so small. I mean, I've seen babies before but I never realized how little they were when they were born."

"You can hold her after Allison, if you want," Viktor said before his brows furrowed. "Actually, are you, um, are you-"

Klaus cut him off before Viktor could continue floundering for the right words. "I've been sober since we got your little announcement in the mail, Vik. Diego wasn't about to let me come and see our niece while pumped full of heroin."

As if hearing that someone was speaking about him, the aforementioned vigilante called out to Viktor from the other side of the living room, "You don't have locks on your window. Do you now easy these little latches can be jimmied?"

"I live on the second floor," Viktor replied, his brows furrowing together in confusion.

"Rapists can climb," he said bluntly. "I'll bring some over after work tomorrow."

The smaller of his two siblings stared at him for a moment. Tears rose in Viktor’s tired brown eyes, though he quickly reached a hand up to wipe them away. "Thank you, Diego. I didn't think that you would come at all, so it means a lot to me that you even care about my safety."

"I think you're kind of a bitch for airing our family's dirty laundry without our permission. I don't want you or that little girl to get stabbed to death in the night just because her father is as shit as ours," he replied, huffing slightly. 

Viktor hummed as he turned to look at his daughter again. Annika fussed, squirming in her blanket as the new person holding her felt unfamiliar. "Alright, alright, моя маленькая любовь," he murmured as he reached over and gathered his daughter in his arms again.

"I haven't heard you speak Russian since you learned it as a kid," Klaus said thoughtfully. They had all learned different languages when they were a kid. Mandarin, Spanish, French, Ancient Greek, but some of them had been taught special languages pertaining back to where they had been purchased from. Klaus himself had learned Pennsylvania Dutch, though he wasn't very good at it because he much preferred to learn Korean with Ben.

"I thought that it would be good for her to grow up hearing it. I know my pronunciation isn't perfect since English was my first language, but I… I wanted her to have a bit of her grandmother's history," Viktor shrugged. "Now come here," he patted the couch on the other side of him.

"Hey, when was the last time you ate?" Allison asked. "I can make you something, if you want. I guess, is what I'm offering," she laughed a little awkwardly. The visit had been going smoothly, but there were still some awkward feelings and tension between the siblings.

"I ate this morning, I haven't had time to make anything else," he replied with a shrug. "Annika woke up and demanded that I pay attention to only her. I'm trying to get my whole fill in before I have to go back to work."

"I'll make you something, then. Do you still like your eggs with pepper?" Allison asked, already pushing herself off of the couch towards the kitchen.

"Yeah, but since I got pregnant I've been eating them with cheese too," Viktor nodded. He had expected all of the cravings that he had to go away as soon as his little bundle of joy was above his heart instead of under it, but he found that he still liked a lot of the things he had only tried while carrying.

The other Hargreeves gave her a nod of understanding and then drifted over to the kitchen. Viktor turned back to the brother that was sitting next to him. "You good to hold her?"

"He- heck yeah," Klaus stopped himself from swearing despite the baby not being able to understand him yet. "She's gotta meet the cool uncle first so that I can set her expectations too high."

Viktor laughed. He carefully guided his brother's hands so that he was cradling the infant against his chest with her head firmly resting in his tattooed palm. "Wow," he whispered as soon as her downy hairs were resting against his calloused fingers. "I know everyone says this about babies but this time I mean it, she's beautiful. I can't believe you made her, V."

"Yeah, well, I had some spare parts lying around," he chuckled. "That and a lot of time and effort."

"She's going to grow into an amazing woman with you as her father, no matter what her other parent is like," Diego commented as he leaned on the back of the couch. 

"Come sit," Viktor mumbled, tugging on his arm. Diego did so hesitantly, moving around the couch so that he was carefully seated on the edge. He kept his eyes on Annika the entire time, as if something horrible would happen should he look away even for an instant. Viktor couldn't imagine what he'd be like with his own kids if he was treating his niece like this.

Klaus looked up from the baby in his arms to his brother, "Hey, that's a good point. Where is the father? I haven't seen hide nor hair of him since we showed up."

"And I haven't seen or heard anything from him since I told him I was pregnant. It's just me and Annika against the world." Viktor looked up from where he had been watching his daughter's little hand grasp uselessly at Klaus' fluffy curls to see that his siblings were all staring at him like he had just said someone murdered his dog. "What? Plenty of people are single parents, it's fine. I can do this."

"He left you after he knocked you up? Oh his ass is begging for a beating," Diego scowled. 

Viktor noticed that Diego’s hand drifted to his left hip, where he normally kept a few of the larger knives when in uniform, but there was nothing there. "We didn't really have a great relationship. We had half a dozen breakups in the whole four months that they were together. The longest that we were broken up was two days before we got back together. Honestly, I'm glad Annika won't have to grow up with a parent like that," Viktor shrugged. He removed an elastic band from his hair and then redid the bun on the back of his head to stop the few loose hairs from escaping.

"You don't need two parents anyway, you have a wonderful papa," Klaus informed the newborn in his arms.

"What was your pregnancy like?" Allison asked, a little horrified at the mere idea of having to go through such a life-changing adventure without the help of another person. She walked over with the plate of eggs and bit of toast that she had prepared for her brother, handing them over.

Viktor ate a little bit, turning to look at Annika as she giggled in Klaus' arms. She let out a big yawn as her baby blue eyes began to flutter shut. "Here," he set the plate to the side and then settled his daughter in his lap before he picked it back up. He then finally answered the question, "It wasn't that bad. I had preeclampsia so I had to go to the doctor a lot. But my team was really great, and I had someone with me the entire time I was in labor. They had to watch Annika's heartbeat to make sure it wasn't dropping with every contraction. And that my blood pressure wasn't getting too high. Other than that everything was normal. I didn't even realize that I was pregnant until I got your announcement in the mail and realized that I hadn't had my cycle in a while. The only real pregnancy thing that happened was water retention."

"I wish my pregnancy with Claire had been that easy," Allison sighed. "The beginning was the worst part for me. I was still trying to act but I felt like I had to throw up every time I said something wrong. The second and third trimesters were easier."

"So I guess if you put our pregnancies together one of us would have been in Hell and the other would have barely been able to tell that they were pregnant," Viktor chuckled. They continued chatting back and forth as the new parent finished eating. 

Diego barely settled the entire time. He was staring down at Annika like he could barely believe that she was real. Viktor knew that they all had a very small amount of experience when it came to children younger than three, but he had to have been around kids more than he was letting on. "Do you want to hold her?" he asked after he had finished eating and the conversation petered out.

"I don't know if that's such a good idea," he replied with a small shake of his head.

"Why? Because she's a baby or because she's my baby?" Viktor asked, raising a brow at his brother.

Diego scowled as he folded his arms over his chest. He looked like a pouting toddler. "I don't know how to hold a k-kid," he replied. "And I forgive you. I know that you were the most neglected out of all of us. I still wish that you would have given us a heads up or something before though. But I'm not going to hold a grudge on you. Not when you're raising a kid alone because some asshole couldn't learn to wrap his dick properly."

"Don't be so vulgar, there are tiny ears here," Klaus gasped, pointing to where Annika was beginning to wake up from her little nap. All of the commotion around her meant that she wasn't staying asleep for as long as she normally was, but she also wasn't waking up to have her needs met.

Viktor rolled his eyes at his brother's antics. "You don't have to hold her if you don't want to, Diego. I just thought that you might like to hold her since you've been staring at her the entire time you've been sitting next to me."

"Sorry," he snapped, instinctually. "I just… You're both so defenseless. I know Dad didn't even teach you anything about self defense. And you're living out here without anyone else in the apartment, just a tiny baby."

"We'll be okay. Everyone thinks that the last name Hargreeves is just a weird coincidence now," he shrugged. "No one really gives a shit about my book or the Umbrella Academy anymore."

"I'm well aware," Diego replied. He glanced around the apartment again before he sighed. "Okay, I'll hold her."

Viktor’s proud beam returned to his face. He carefully maneuvered his daughter so that she was resting in her uncle's arms, giving him the same instructions that he had Klaus. Diego looked down at the tiny face staring up at him, wonder and confusion sparkling in her little eyes. "You-you're so small," he whispered. The longer that the weight of the newborn was resting against his chest and along his right arm the more he relaxed. "I'm going to protect you. I'll make sure that no one hurts you the way that our dad hurt us. Your papa can do the hard part, but I'll kick anyone's ass if they even look at you funny."

Viktor laughed again. He had a rocky relationship with his siblings, he knew that. But Annika had been the best thing that had come out of his toxic relationship with his ex-boyfriend. The little blessing didn't stop there, as she had apparently brought her aunt and uncles back into her father’s life in a healthier way. Viktor wished that Ben and Five could have been there, as well as Luther, but it was a lot more likely for the latter to show up and meet his niece eventually. He was surrounded by his family with the little one that he loved more than anything in the world. Even though things still felt a little off and he was battling depression like he had when he was a young child, things were getting better.

[eating-flowerz]

I have Pasha to cite as my reason for dating D currently. When Pasha and I met I had just returned back to America depressed. He liked a couple of my instagram photos and I thought he was the hottest guy I’d seen in a really hot minute. I was so skeptical considering all the distance but we messaged every single day since May of 2022 to almost now

The vibe with him is great he’s shy, had the cutest smile that he rarely showed since he’s Eastern European xD, and went so well along with my quirky weirdness. If anything he really liked it and wasn’t ashamed of it.

We had been texting every single day for 3 months straight until we met up for the first time. I planned 4 days of my vacation just for him and when we met everything just worked so perfectly. Our humor from online had just transferred over perfectly, and my feelings just became more conflicted from there. The sex was absolutely amazing, he couldn’t cum and would just rail me for hours.

After I left Poland again I just found myself feeling more and more in love with him. After any breakup with Dylan and 1 three month relationship in between my almost 2 years of enjoying singleness and I felt ready to break it for him. But reality isn’t the same.

By October almost two months after, I talked to him and told him I loved him and that I wanted to make it work no matter from how far away. He said he just felt sorry for how I felt. He was super realistic with me which is what I deserved. Our life plans aren’t anywhere near each other, they’re literally hundreds if not thousands of miles away for the next decade at least.

He was sweet, he gave me space, he never said he loved me back, said he felt sorry and that I’m sweet and I deserve someone.

I cried, I loved him so much and even though I didn’t realize my emotional attachment to him for all of those 6 months it was still heavily there. From that I realized I was ready to date and love someone again and I opened myself up to D who swooped me off my feet. I love D don’t get me wrong, but I’m realizing that moving straight to him after pouring my heart out to a guy that I would love countries for him had caused some emotional conflict within me that D doesn’t deserve to know about.

We still talk, it’s all amicable. It’s still pretty much daily except now I don’t know how to keep it fully platonic and I take days to respond back to messages. He never leaves me on read though and I don’t know how to feel but love and acceptance.

We were talking yesterday or maybe two days ago and I told him about D. He says he’s happy for me and he wishes me all the best with him and that D is lucky and told me about his own dating efforts. And i ended up sending a video telling him how important he was to me meeting D.

In response Pasha sent me a voice note telling me about his dating experience and how it’s tough. In essence he was essentially telling me that he was looking for a girl like me. He wants a girl that’s funny, is louder than him and more outgoing to compliment his shyness, someone who smiles a lot. Everything he said he was looking for, he had complimented me on or used to tell me how much he adored it about me.

Pasha loves how funny I am, my voice since my accent is so exotic in comparison to his Ukrainian one, how I always have the biggest smile something so rarely seen in Eastern Europe. Those are the things that make me up the most and he loves those parts of me still and is looking for them in other girls.

It paralyses me. I can’t move to Poland for this guy, but it feels like knowing that their is an excellent dinner waiting for me 3000 miles away that may be better than my current dinner but the issue is I like my current dinner. Terrible thing to compare people to dinner.

I still think about the serious pouty face he has when he so focused on railing me. His soft lips, that he bites down on the bottom lip when I’m bent over and he’s fucking me from behind. His hair is so soft and spiky. He has a really big smile that’s so soft and so joyful. I’m smitten for this man clearly but it’s not viable, just on my mind.

[flunkisflunk]

i ended all my long term friendships; two 7 year ones, three 5-6 year ones. a 3 year one too, i guess, because she hasnt been responding. all of my close friends. i got so caught up in my gradual descent back to my worst habits that i didnt even realize how i had been hurting them; it took an audio message from the young woman i had considered to be my soulmate(platonically) for me to fucking wake up from my stupor, after i didnt even text her despite her being fucking bedridden with covid, her telling me shes gonna start prioritizing herself and her own worth,saying that in our little 3 person group, that existed inside another larger friend group, i had always liked the other girl more. at first, i didnt even believe it was that serious. then the next morning, it clicked, with her second message, a reply to my apology, and my insistece that i loved her: “i lovED you, but right now, its hard.” , and i broke, fully and utterly -- for a few hours, before all feeling left me again and there was nothing left at all. i didnt quite know what to do, especially considering the wider implications it had for our very tight-knit friend group, but i wasnt the only one in deep shit; my other closest friend, my oldest friend, the 3rd  person, was also being accused of similar negligence and attention hoarding(and some other shit i didnt quite get but idk). she was the reason i texted my other friend in the first place to receive the message i did, after she had called me crying. i just remembered, as im typing this, that i had soothed her on the call, saying that it wasnt that serious, and i would never stop loving her, and i would never leave her. at least one of those things is true. 

and then we went on that trip, where most of the friend group couldnt even go, because they had, as mentioned, covid, but my oldest friend was one of the people who came along, along with another girl from the group, who was the kind of mom friend/leader. it was awkward, sure, but we got over it. my oldest friend response to the situation must have been much better than mine bc it seemed to me like she had a chance at actually repairing the rift. 

so one of the nights when im alone and the others are out, i call one of the friends that couldnt come bc of covid, who was also the boyfriend of the girl who sent the voice message that started it all, who i was so close with that i had been using his spotify for years, and who, despite being male, i felt very comfortable around -- he really is a sweetheart. one of the first things i asked him is if we were still friends -- “its complicated” -- if we were gonna stay friends “it depends on your behavior towards {my girlfriend} and {other people}”. i ended the call by telling him i loved him. he did not reply.

it was in that moment i realized that i couldnt fix this, that the level of hurt i caused was beyond acceptable. i had been such a terrible friend and person that the person who had swore to always love me, no matter what, no longer did. one of the kindest, most forgiving people i knew no longer knew how to deal with me. everybody was hurt and no one had said anything, just bottling it up inside bc they didnt want to cause a sense, despite how i treated them. and the worst part is: i dont even remember. i dont know what i did. i cant even remember the months leading up to this, manic and consumed as i was. i cant even remember my fuck ups, because i was so self obsessed. gd im so fucking disgusting.

 i went on to have the worst mental breakdown of my life. like im talking absolutely fucking mental; i was screaming, crying, yelling -- i yelled at myself in the mirror for 40 minutes straight-- slammed my head against the edge of a door til my skin broke. i couldnt calm down. i was so outta control. and when youre outta control like that, theres only one thing you can do to calm down, and luckily i had something there to use. 

so i calmed myself down, went to bed, prayed that i did miss any blood spots, and woke up the next morning to the familiar feeling of nothing. i knew for my oldest friend, her integration into the group would be easiest if i wasnt a wart on her side-- not to mention the hurt i had caused her too over the years. as the trip came to an end, on our last day, as it was just the two of us walking at the beach, i turned to my her and told her that after we returned home, we would probably no longer be friends. she asked me “what? so we’re no longer friends now?” and i replied “no. we still have today.” and we did. and then we returned home.

the next interaction i had was when i cancelled going to a friends birthday(a member of the friend group). the person id always thought of as my soulmate messaged me to tell me to pull myself together, call our friend and tell him i actually can go, and go, to not leave him hanging. i didnt reply. i wasnt going to ruin his party with my drama, and its not like my presence was a make-or-break for the party -- they were going to have fun anyways. later she wrote me that i always do this, leave people hanging like this, and it devolved into a larger argument of me apologizing and explaining my reasons, and her calling me out that my words were empty without action and that they sounded like a preachers sermon. it was the moment i told her i wasnt just ending my friendships with all of them, but also my oldest friend, the one shed accused me of loving more than her, that i think it really clicked in her head that i was serious. that this wasnt a gag, or something i was doing for attention, but i was really going to cut all ties, bloody and messy. it was then she told me something very sweet, she said: “ if this is what you think is best for you, fine. but i hope you hear a little {me}-voice in your head telling you not to do this. take care of yourself, and if you ever need anything, we’ll be here for you.” and that cracked something inside of me to know that even after all of this, her heart was still big enough to extend this kindness to me. shes such a wonderful person, really.

our next interaction, the last actual one really, was at the birthday of the aforementioned mom friend/leader of the group. i spent the first half of the night saying nothing, sitting there like my mouth was wired shut, which was probably very unnerving to everyone else there considering usually i didnt know how to shut the fuck up, drinking a fuckton on my two day empty stomach, and i got wasted. the person who came to me in that moment, as i sat there alone on a bench, was a person who i hadnt accounted for in all my imagined versions of how that night would go; the mom friends boyfriend, who ive known forever and is such a sweet person (i would always joke that they were my second parents) came and talked to me, and i, i completely broke down, sobbing loudly. i was wasted.

i asked to move to the bench that was secluded from the rest of the garden because i felt guilty for disturbing the party, and we did. moments later though my two oldest friends showed up, and so i sent him away so we could talk. i honestly do not remember much. they were sober, i was wasted, trying to have this serious conversation, and when i pointed out how unfair that was, my soulmate correctly stated that i never would have had this conversation sober. i laughed, because she was right. i would have run away. i couldnt stop crying while laughing, almost just screaming with the intensity of it. i realized that the worst part wasnt that we wouldnt be friends anymore, or we wouldnt be seeing each other anymore. the worst part, aside from the obvious fact of how much hurt id caused them, was that they still loved me. all of them. from the depths of their hearts they still cared, and they didnt want these friendships to end, and they were scared for me. thats what got me, thats what completely shattered my heart. i even recall that the conversation had a positive end, like we might be friends again. after getting home i sent the girl who started it all the google doc containing the short story id written about my feelings on all this hoping it might explain my feelings better. aside from that and a few basic messages asking to return possessions, etc.; i have not talked with any of them.

its been a month. i have a new friend group that one of the 3 people i didnt cut out of my life introduced me too, and theyre nice, and easygoing (stoners, yk).

and i think i have to retract my earlier statement because i think what the worst part really is, is that now, despite all these memories and over half a decades worth of love, despite everything; i feel absolutely fine.

[irisesand]

for the last fifteen minutes of friendships day, i just want to talk about a few moments with my friends. these moments truly remind me of just how beautiful friendships are supposed to be.

1. recently, I've been trying to relearn my state's language and I was met in a situation where I had to use my limited knowledge of the language to try communicating with someone. when I got home, the first thing I did was send one of my friends who knows the language a long voice mail speaking IN the language but it was completely battered and bruised. and all she did was tell me how shocked she was about how 'good' I spoke and that's all the validation I needed, that's all the encouragement I needed. i now send that friend voicemails speaking in the language and I don't feel shame about how bad I speak.

2. yesterday, I sent my best friend a big voicemail about some emotional turmoil I was feeling. even though she told me that she's bad at providing people with comfort when they rant to her, she sat through the whole voicemail and tried comforting me. she kept being on my side while I let it all out when it was almost midnight and she had college the next day. she told me she had to go to bed, but would respond to me instantly. and the next day she sent me many words of encouragement before i even woke up.

3. I reconnected with one of my old friends from three years ago, and we instantly fell back into that pattern of talking. recently, I was taking a break from social media (you see i do this often, because I want some sanity in my brain in tact). and when I came back, the first thing I tweeted was "hey, do you have whatsapp?" because I wanted to talk to her more often but didn't want to be on social media much. and not even a second later, she sends me a dm with her number, and asks me if I'm okay and reassures me that things will be fine and that she's here for me.

4. a few months ago, I had been feeling an extreme amount of loneliness. I would often text this one friend of mine that i lost contact with and that once steady flow that ignited our friendship had seemingly disappeared. and it truly broke my heart, and I didn't want to let her know bc I didn't want to concern her. but one day, the sadness was too much to take and I was feeling this overwhelming grief over all the friendships that I lost over the years, and I just texted her a few messages about it. I didn't expect anything at all. but the next time I logged in I saw she sent me a few voicemail and in those she gently explained to me that it's okay and that sometimes friendships can't be the same, but it's no one's fault, and that people just tend to get busy. I will probably never forget that bc I cannot tell you how much I needed that.

5. I have these three friends that are my absolute constant for about three years. my ride or die, my pillars, they constitute so much of my life and my love. no matter how difficult life gets, I can always turn to them. I will always be there for them as they are for me. they mean more to me than the entire world. the gentleness of our friendship.

6. my other friend has had her exams for a whole month now, and I have been absolutely broken bc i missed her sm but i didn't want to disturb her. or give her anything else to worry about. so I would leave a message every now and then asking her to take care and if her exams are over yet. and yesterday, her exams were finally done. and as i was thinking of texting her, she sends me a message in all caps "hi bestie, I'm here" I love her so much.

7. just a few days ago, i was telling my friend recently about something stupid like how I asked my other friend who's studying medical to become a dentist bc of the absolute nightmarish fear of the dentist. and my med student friend literally said that she can't now but never said no. and i told my friend, who's also afraid of the dentist, this and she agreed to this insanity.

8. recently I became friends with the most beautiful and kind souls online. she's from my country, and from the first day I texted her, we never ran out of things to talk about (knock on wood). but I think she's the coolest person ever and I LOVE talking to her because she's able to say the most beautiful and kind things to me. just today, I was responding to her messages from days ago. and she told me that she would love if I had been in her college or atleast find someone like me in her college. she also asked for when my birthday is bc there are too many birthdays in august and she wanted to note mine down in her dairy.