#my brain really forcing me to feel self conscious

[heavenfelled]

feeling a bit off today, i'm sorry if i'm not around much besides replying to ic things <3

[cordeliawhohung]

Dude shy! Reader and Mafia! Underboss! Simon is giving me major brain rot right now.

I saw you slip in at the end of one of your drabbles about possibly making reader a virgin and I wholeheartedly agree with you.

I can just see his brain absolutely short circuiting so fast when he finds that out. He’d be soooo prideful and comforting to reader if/when she finally lets him take her virginity.

I truly believe that this man has the best aftercare as well. You would have a whole ass spa day after he’s done fucking you.

i love seeing everyone's opinions on this so much ;alksdjf

i'm thinking shy!reader being a virgin fits super well because in my mind she def has the urge to want to be with someone ya know? but she's just too goddamn awkward and overthinking it and maybe a little self conscious that she just never really has the opportunity to?? and i agree with you 100% about simon fucking short circuiting lmao. like just imagine he's trying to initiate something and it gets a little heated and he feels you start to tense up and asks if everything is okay and you have to pitifully admit that you've never really done anything past kissing ):

i think he fixates on it more than he should, too. like he would never tease you or anything but it's certainly on his mind for WEEKS and he's trying to concoct the perfect scenario of what would be best for you and how to make things perfect because you're his girl and you only get the best but maybe it also fuels his ego a little bit cuz he's still kind of a prick lmao

also, for your first time he doesn't let you do ANYTHING. you've seen the vids, and you have it in your head that you're supposed to be performing the whole time but no! he basically forces you to be a pillow princess. might not even initiate p in v sex the first time you get intimate either, he's just totally content fucking his fingers into you and watching the pleasure contort on your face while you're moaning for him ):

and of course the aftercare is god tier!!! he knows he's a big guy and he can get a little rough and into it and so he's making sure you're hydrated, telling you to use the bathroom so you don't get a uti, and just fucking dotes on you the rest of the day/night. like he will rarely let you leave his sight or his arms because honestly you've got him wrapped around your finger <3

god like imagine aftercare in the shower with him??? just washing you up? the tattoos??? you guys need to fucking sedate me actually

[412foryou]

The last one.

“bless your heart, make you part of my life forever. and always.”

₊˚ pairing– sunwoo x gn!reader

₊˚ genre– hurt/comfort, fluff, friends to lovers.

₊˚ overview– sunwoo comforts you after an unpleasant event. you go for a drive in his car, in the sunset. a confession at the beach. kissing.

₊˚ word count– 3k

₊˚ warnings– depictions of feelings of anxiety/social anxiety and loneliness; self-conscious, depressive thoughts.

₊˚ notes– I'm finally giving this a try! I'm super excited to write on here!! the beautiful pictures sunwoo posted on ig made me think of the idea for this fic. I got inspired to write it while I was feeling really down myself, and even though it's pretty specific, I felt like I could share it here, in hopes that this might comfort anyone else who needs it. it took me a week to finish this, but I enjoyed every moment of it. note that this is my first fic in a while, so please be kind. I'd love to hear what you think about it!! and btw! stuff in italics is for the reader's thoughts.

like & reblog if you enjoy please <3

♪₊˚ song— tejano blue by cigarettes after s*x.

it's so loud.

you can hear the noisy chatter of the people in your group, bantering and laughing out loud.

what are they laughing so much about? are they laughing about.. about me?

you sink in your seat, hands in pockets, body slumping even more than before, aiming to merge with the chair. your eyebrows set low, unknowingly glaring at the group.

"hey, you okay?" one of them calls out, making you perk up, but you know it isn't a genuine question, so you lower your eyes, nodding briefly.

a scoff. "it's no use talking to them, they're not gonna answer you." another voice retorts, clearly tipsy. you try to pay it no mind.

it was fine before, they didn't care much. why now?

but before you can come up with an answer to your own question, your thoughts are interrupted with laughter, even louder this time.

they're laughing at me.

the discomfort that gradually began setting in since you first stepped into the building, was about to overflow. so you go to stand up and leave, while your mind imagines the remarks they could be throwing at you.

"leaving already? so boring."

"they're so weird"

"wow, that's one scary kid."

"not worth our time."

"yeah, you better leave."

real or not, it didn't make much of a difference for you. you still cared, it still bothered you, no matter how miserable that might sound. the non-spoken words sharp and piercing, biting at your skin. you brushed both of your arms up and down roughly to rid your mind of the thoughts.

it burns.

so much for trying to socialize.

you awkwardly squeeze through people crowded in groups outside, keeping your eyes on the ground, paying no mind to where you're headed.

you just need to get away from there, as far as possible, and quickly. you don't even check your surroundings, as your legs seem to be taking charge right now, shaking but not able to stop moving ahead.

I'm so embarrassing. I'm just so...

you're continuously reminded of what happened at the bar, the image seemingly stuck in your brain. the mocking laughter replaying over and over, taunting you, leaving no choice but to think about it.

why can't I just do it the way they can, what is wrong with me?

they all seem to like it.

why doesn't it come naturally to me too?

why do I have to force myself?

you walk with your head down, trying to hold in your tears. you knew this wouldn't end well, you didn't expect anything from it, and yet,

I'm pathetic. I'm disgusting. and I'm miserable.

I knew this wasn't a good idea, why did I even..

they all probably hate me now. the way I am.

I feel so sorry for myself-

there's a halt in you thoughts, as in your steps. you notice you've bumped shoulders with someone.

wait- what am I doing, where am I?

you frantically take a look around, only to find yourself in an unfamiliar place, yet again, the anxiety sets in. you have no way of telling where you are.

the sun will set soon, too. shit-

you walk around in hopes to find a way to get back to your place, maybe think of something. but, you remember-

sunwoo has my location! yes. he'll help.

you mentally thank yourself for thinking of that, taking your phone out to text your friend.

"changed my mind, come get me."

the reply is almost instantaneous, as it always is whenever it's sunwoo you're texting.

"be there in 10. stay where you are."

a sigh of relief escapes through your lips, your shoulders feeling lighter, knowing you'll be on your way soon. but you still need to-

I have to go back to that place.

reluctantly making your way back to the bar, you linger nearby, just so sunwoo can find you, but not close enough to be spotted by anyone else. pulling your hood up, you put your hands in your pockets, shifting back and forth, unable to stay still.

it's fine. it's alright now. it's over. he'll be here soon. I'm okay..

letting a big puff of air out, you try to steady your stance, your breath shaky. you lean your elbows on the railing in front of some shop, as the light from inside gives you shelter from the darkness of the street.

I wish I didn't have to be like this.

you tuck your head into your arms.

this always happens, I don't know why I thought this time would be different.

I should've never come.

I'm shameful.

I'm ashamed!

regardless of your efforts to hold back, you still feel a single stubborn tear touch your skin, staining your sleeves. a sniffle. you can't be crying like this outside,

but I've already embarrassed myself anyway.

another involuntary sniffle, and a tear on the other side of your face. it's gotten colder. a warm hand on your shoulder.

frightened, your head springs up, your eyes frantically searching for the person the hand belongs to. your body slackens in his grip. thank god. the hand on your shoulder moves to stroke your back.

"I'm here." a gentle smile.

you feel the tear streaks drying on the sides of your face in the light breeze as you look back at sunwoo. you're so drained that you feel as though you've lost the ability to form words, so you can only hope your eyes are able to relay your thoughts to him.

I'm exhausted.

sunwoo's gaze shifts between your eyes trying to gauge anything that hints at your mood. his other hand comes up to wipe your cheekbone. and it stays there, holding the side of your face.

a quiet gasp. "you're freezing! I should've been quicker. I'm sorry." he retracts his hand on your cheek. the one still on your back guides you in a certain direction, your body completely relaxed and yielding in his hold. you're safe now, sunwoo knows what to do. you know to trust him.

before you know it you feel warm again. even though the roof of sunwoo's cabriolet is folded, even though it's even colder now, even though the breeze blows rougher. the warmth seems to be spreading from within, a feeling, your heartbeat slow and steady. sunwoo buckles your seatbelt for you and closes the door.

don't go.

he rounds the vehicle to get in his seat on the other side. you knew he wouldn't leave, but

still..

"I'll pull the roof back up in a minute." he has taken off his jacket and it's now spread over your lap. "I didn't know it'd get this cold, should've thought to fix it before coming to get you." he halts his movements when he feels your hand on his arm.

I want to feel the breeze.

"you want me to leave it?" a mild nod from you, eyes downturned. he gazes back at you, eyebrows furrowed. "okay... but put the jacket on properly, the breeze is strong."

when you don't make a move to comply as he instructed, he leans over and carefully adjusts the jacket so that it covers more of you, giving you a sliver of a smile.

soon enough the blow of the wind picks up as sunwoo starts driving. you lean your head back, resting it on the headrest. the bitter gusts of wind crash into your face, turning it red, keeping you awake. you can feel the frigid air burning your skin, soothing your body. your eyelids drop to focus on the feeling as you take in a deep breath.

that feels nice.

I can breathe again.

you open your eyes and look out the window. the city lights are harsh and bright, dazzling you, making you squint, your view of them softening.

"are you cold?" asks sunwoo in a low voice. yes. but it feels good. slowly tilting your head, you face him, beyond him a glimpse of the beach.

your gaze fixes on sunwoo, eyes listless. only now taking notice of his appearance. laid back in the seat, his arm rests on the door, the other one gripping the wheel. arms bare, your eyes linger. soon enough they shift to look at his dark hair flying around with the wind. thick eyebrows set firm in concentration. eyes half lidded, but alert. you can still see the restlessness in them. he keeps stealing sideway glances at you, eager to grasp your thoughts. you pay it no mind, because..

he's so beautiful.

and most of all, his skin is glowing golden even in the dark, now illuminated scarlet as you stop at a red light. he turns his head toward you "hmm?"

ah,

you forgot he'd asked a question. that snaps you out of your dazed state effectively. blinking rapidly to rid your eyes of the haze.

shit, I got distracted.

clearing your throat, your voice raspy, "sorry. no, I'm not cold." you fidget with the sleeves of your hoodie. you hear him sigh softly. he's facing ahead again, the light green. "you.. okay?" you can hear the concern in his voice and your heart swells.

"yeah, I'm good." averting your eyes from his face, feeling sheepish.

your response doesn't seem to ease his worry, "you can talk to me, you know I don't mind. I'll listen." his words so gentle, you barely hear them.

he's so kind to me.

your eyes shift to your lap. sunwoo's jacket has slid down, and you can see your fingers picking at the skin on your hands.

why... does he treat me like this?

when other people seem to have given up on me completely?

he's too kind.

"I..." you try to form an intelligible sentence. an exhale- "I'm alright. I'm just fine.. if you're with me." you try not to look over at him. "everything sort of.. feels okay when you're here." you breathe deep, in and out. voice trembling. "I just want you to know that.. I'm thankful- for everything you do for me. even though, I don't get why you do this... I know I can be... difficult. to understand, and to talk to most of the time. I guess I'm grateful that you try. and that you've kept me with you despite.. that, I don't give anything in return. and I'm sorry." you trail off, tears welling in your eyes. "anyway, just thank you." you finish with a sniffle.

sunwoo is quiet. you're too afraid to meet eyes with him, so you keep your head down.

why isn't he saying anything?

did I make him uncomfortable?

you wipe your nose with a sleeve. another awkward sniff.

should've just stayed quiet. it wasn't even that serious..

I'm sorry for being like this.

however, before your mind can make your grey thoughts into a whirlpool and suck you in, you see colors seep into the darkness. you look up in surprise and find the source. the now setting sun seems to be casting the purple-pink light on the waves just before you.

"it has never once felt like that to me." you turn your head, the beams reaching his face too, making you stare. he's looking ahead.

"our.. friendship. I have never thought of it as a chore, a challenge- maybe. because we're so different from each other, there's a lot to consider. but.." he shakes his head, lowering it, "oh my god- I always thought of this-" he gestures between the two of you. "as something precious, something I needed to protect. if anything, it felt like it was you keeping me close." he brings his head back up but still doesn't glance your way.

...what?

eyebrows furrowed in deep confusion you question, "you.. but, why? there's nothing I have to offer, I mean.." he brings his head back up, concern evident in the way he looks at you. you avoid his eyes, bashful. "you're.. you're so ordinary. you know.. you can befriend anyone, do anything you want.. you're likable, and I don't know.. I'm- I'm just me. and I can barely take being alive, at least..." you sigh shakily, it's so hard to talk about this. "but that was before, now I don't think it's all that bad. and it's all because you came into my life." you didn't even notice you'd started to cry, until you felt sunwoo's thumb on your face, wiping the tears away. you let him, eyes glazed over.

he makes this even more difficult than it already is.

he retracts his hand. you shift your eyes once more. "you know, whenever I think of myself, I'm always out of place. nothing comes naturally to me, like it does with others, and it- it's so frustrating... it's lonely. and it makes me hate myself. but.. weirdly enough, all it took for me to feel at least a little bit normal, was one person who understood me. who listened to me. you're my link to the rest of the world, the only thing that keeps my feet on the ground. I- I really don't know where I would be right now, if you weren't by my side." you feel more silent tears escape.

my whole existence is disgraceful.

but I don't regret this, he has to know how much he means to me.

"I know it's selfish as well, that I wish for you to stay here forever. but.. truly, you're the sole good thing in my life." you've never felt so exposed and vulnerable before, putting your heart on display, right in front of sunwoo.

"it isn't, selfish- I mean." he catches you off guard, so you turn to look. you notice colors dimming on his face, the sunset imminent. he's got a warm expression on his face, one full of tenderness. "well if it is, then I must be selfish too. because I can never imagine my life without you in it either." he leans over, resting his elbow on the armrest in-between your seats. "it honestly breaks my heart that you think that way about yourself, I wish I could take those feelings away from you.." he reaches over with his other hand and takes your hood off. "I don't know how much I'll be able to help, but I can promise that I'll always try to. I'll be here, whenever you need me." his gaze shifts to the top of your head briefly, patting your hair into place. "and I need you with me, just as much. so, don't ever think like that, okay?"

you should've known better than to doubt sunwoo's feelings. he's the one that gets you, even if no words are exchanged. of course, he'd understand. he always has. but.. it's hard to focus on that, when he's just

he's so close.

your heartbeat picks up, alerting you of the proximity between your faces. you can feel the heat of sunwoo's breath on your ice cold face, as you try to keep your own even. try to keep your mind clear, aware.

oh god...

he eyes your lips for a moment, and you can hear it in his slightly quickened breaths-

he feels it too.

your eyes lock, and you feel like you're going insane. with the way he's looking at you, gaze filled with longing. with the way his hand's still resting in your hair. with the way your heart just can't seem to calm. with the way your faces have frozen into place, neither moving an inch to break the distance. it all makes you want to..

I desperately want to kiss him.

"I want to kiss you." you're not even sure who asked the question, because it was whispered, and because you're too tired to make sense of anything. "...can I?" oh, it was him, after all. his voice so soft, but breathy- rushed with desire.

please.

instead of answering, you pull him in by the back of his head, rushing to connect your lips. your eagerness visible in the intensity of the kiss. this stuns sunwoo for a brief second, but he meets your lips and steadies the kiss, slowing you down.

..finally.

he holds you by the jaw. your lips moving in sync, almost naturally. you pull at his hair. you can feel him smiling into the kiss.

he's driving me crazy.

the kiss can't last forever, you have to pull away to take a breath. you can feel the dissatisfaction in the way sunwoo whines lowly. it pleases you, to know he yearns for you the same way you do, for him.

I can't believe we just kissed.

your faces remain close still, seemingly unable to pull apart, now that you've connected. the sound of your heavy breaths and the waves crashing, the only thing to be heard. you wait for each other to regain oxygen back in your lungs. sunwoo's cheeks are flushed cherry, but you're sure yours are worse.

I can't believe I just kissed sunwoo.

he holds your cheek in his palm now, thumb stroking the blush on it, gaze filled with adoration.

is this really happening?

sunwoo's half lidded eyes are relentless in raking over your face, noticing every detail, staring. but it isn't uncomfortable, you don't feel self-conscious. you feel seen.

"you're beautiful." he confesses with care.

he likes me.

he finds me beautiful.

his bold words don't make you question their genuineness. you feel confident in the way you look from his point of view, you know you're beautiful, because he sees it.

tightening your grip on his hair, pulling a strand, you look at his swollen mouth "you have no idea, how long I've waited for this." he ducks his head, smiling shyly. ...he's so.. cute.

bringing both of your hands together, you cup his flushed face.

pretty.

you take a moment to study him. he lets you. after a few moments of silence, he whispers "me too. I've longed for you.. without even realizing." he's a bit hesitant in his words, avoiding your gaze. you didn't know shy sunwoo would come as a punch to your heart, making your affection for him grow.

so adorable.

smiling softly, you lean in to taste his lips once more. this time you make sure to go slow and sunwoo melts into the kiss. he moves his lips according to your pace, kissing you back tenderly. you feel content in his presence, his lips touching yours, comfortable and familiar.

I feel so... warm.

you gently lift your lips from his, but stay near, foreheads joined together. you can feel the breeze biting. your mind screams at you, begging, to connect your mouth back with his again. sunwoo's low breaths grazing your lips not helping the case.

I miss his touch.

the side of his mouth upturned, as if reading your mind, sunwoo briefly brushes your lips with his plump ones.

I need more.

but brief isn't enough. you yearn for him, his touch in the way that wouldn't be sated with a momentary peck. a noise of frustration leaves your lips, and he catches on, finding your impatience cute.

a chuckle. his lips back on yours.

perfect.

[mrsevans90]

Puppy Love

Captain Syverson x OFC Emma Miller Part 10

Summary: Austin Syverson has returned to Texas after retiring from the military and starts his own contracting business. Syverson is used to being alone and thinks he prefers it that way. While at work he stumbles upon an injured and abused puppy. When he meets the new veterinarian in town, Emma Miller, he is immediately smitten with her. It turns out Emma has some baggage of her own. Will they be able to make it work? Or is it just a case of fleeting puppy love?

Pairing: Henry Cavill as Captain Austin Syverson x OFC Emma Miller 

Warnings: smut (oral/m receiving), talks of period intercourse, detailed PTSD flashback, graphic death of character discussed, self-deprecating talk, language

MINORS DNI! Must be 18+

I do not authorize any copying/pasting, stealing of my work, or using my words as your own. 

This story is not beta’d. All mistakes are my own.

A/N: I am an imperfect person who makes mistakes. All that I ask is to please be kind and if you enjoy it then please comment and REPOST! I appreciate any love, comments, and reposts more than you could know. Thank you for reading! 

Author's Note: This is a heavy chapter--- Big time PTSD flashback so consider yourself warned! Also, I purposely chose to not use characters in the flashback from the movie Sand Castle. I just didn’t want to kill off anyone’s fave character, so we are going to pretend this flashback was another mission from another deployment right before Sy retired not related to the movie. It was just easier for my conscious to write it that way. 

Part 9

All night long I have nightmares about the war. I wake and try to reset myself like the therapist taught me with deep breathing, water, change of environment, etc.; but nothing is working. I maybe only get about 2 hours of sleep total and I’m exhausted. I still go on my run to try and exhaust myself even more so that maybe tonight I will pass out into a dreamless sleep. I try to fake enthusiasm for whatever Nana is rambling on about in her phone call to me on the way to work but I’m sure she can tell that I’m starting to spiral. Alex can tell that today is one of those days so he asks me if I’m good and when I grunt at him he keeps his distance. God, I’m an ass but I’m obviously not good and I just can’t talk to him about it. Nobody really understands except the boys that I was with when it happened and several of them are dead now. I’m supposed to be their leader and I feel like I should have my shit together. My nightmares continue to worsen throughout the week and I feel like I overcompensate by working harder or exerting myself in more difficult physical pursuits in hopes of tiring my body and my brain out. I forced myself to run four additional miles on Friday even though my leg quickly protested. I focused on pushing through the pain and ended up having to ice my leg after work.

Friday evening finally rolls around, and Emma shows up at the house as planned with a little overnight bag in tow and homemade banana pudding. I’m cooking us some chicken and veggies out back on the grill when she arrives and I feel like I calm a bit just being in her presence. She still looks absolutely adorable as she shows up wearing comfortable clothes-a tank top and soft shorts. I love that she’s feeling relaxed enough with me to just be her most authentic self. After we eat, I fill my belly up with her decadent dessert and I swear I see stars. She’s quite the chef; as if she needed any more of a direct line to my belly or my heart. Assuming she’s still on her period, I ask her if she’s feeling alright and she nods but doesn’t offer more. I suggest we get in bed and watch a movie and she gleefully agreed. We get all cozied up in bed and she chooses a rom-com to put on. Not my first choice, but I’ll do anything to make her smile like that. It’s nice having someone other than myself warm my bed. We fall asleep easily tangled in each other and I’m relieved that I have no nightmares. Maybe Emma is the cure to my nightmares? Or did I really succeed in tiring myself out enough that I slept too hard to dream. Either way, I’m not complaining.

Saturday morning. I wake up at my usual time and smile to myself at finally getting a decent night of sleep. I lay in bed watching my girl dream before I decide to get up and go for a run. If it’s the exercise that helped me sleep last night, I’m not going to miss the opportunity to do it again. I leave a little note on Emma’s nightstand and decide to only run two miles today so I don’t fuck up my leg more than I probably already have. When I get back home, Emma is still a mess of hair and sheets and I can tell that she never missed me. Her hair is halfway across her face, one of her breasts is almost spilling out of her twisted tank top, and the covers are tangled all in her legs which brings a smile to my face. For someone so effortlessly beautiful, she’s kind of a mess when she sleeps and I can’t help but find that to be one of the most endearing things ever. I attempt to take a quick shower and am surprised when ice cold hands wrap around my stomach as my eyes are closed under the spray of the water and I jump like a cat. 

“Damn woman! Your hands are ice cubes.” I say as she laughs uncontrollably.

“Sorry, baby. I didn’t mean to startle you.” She says as she hugs me from behind. 

“I woke up and heard the shower running so I figured you wouldn’t mind if I joined you.” 

“Always, join me Sugar. My favorite showers are the ones with you.” I tell her as I turn around to see her. She’s got her beautiful hair tied up in a bun on top of her head and I shift her so that the water runs down her body to warm her up. I spy her adjust the temperature higher and I can’t help myself.

“What is it with women taking showers equivalent to the heat of lava?” She smiles.

“We are colder than you are. Gotta warm up somehow.” She presses a sweet kiss to my lips before turning around and washing her body. I can’t help but stand there like a creep watching her but I’ll never turn down an opportunity to see her wet and soapy.

“I hope you don’t mind that I hijacked your shower.” She smiled sweetly.

“Darlin’, I was done anyway. Now I’m just here for the show.” I arch my eyebrow at her as she spies my obvious erection.

“Let me help you.” She seductively suggests.

“I can help us both.” I offer but she shakes her head.

“Still on my period.” She replies without making eye contact.

“So?”

“We can’t have sex when I’m on my period!” She looks completely shocked.

“Says who? You know, sex actually helps relieves cramps.”  

“But..I might get blood on your…”

“Dick? What’s your point?”

“Isn’t that gross?” 

“Sugar, I told ya, I’m a man. A little blood isn’t going to scare me off. Now if you’re not interested because you don’t feel well or you just don’t want too, I have no problem with that. But, if you’re not interested because you think I’m going to be grossed out or something, I promise I won’t be. You can have me anytime you want, Sweetness. There’s no pressure either way. If you’re uncomfortable with it, I won’t mention it again.”

“Maybe give me some time to come around to the idea of it. I’ve never really considered it as an option.”

“Sure thing, babygirl.”

“You are something else, Bear. You mean it when you said I can have you anytime I want?”

“Mmhmm.” I say as her fingertips trail down my abdomen and she wraps her hand around my throbbing cock.

“Can I taste you?”

“Always, but don’t feel like you have too. I’ll be alright if not.”

“I want too.” She says before pushing me towards the shower bench and taking me in her mouth. In no time at all, I’m coming down her throat after receiving one of the best blowjobs of my life. She has my legs trembling from the stimulation and I can’t help but caress her cheek and kiss her gently when I come back to reality.

“my EmKay.” I whisper as I kiss her tenderly.

“Your EmKay?” She asks. 

“Mmhmm.” 

“Funny, I don’t remember being asked to be yours.” She haughtily replies.

“Ya’ ain’t going to make this easy on me, are ya?” Shit, what am I doing. I should have thought this through. She shouldn't want to be with me. The unreal blowjob has me not thinking clearly.

“Now why would I do that?” She retorts with a smile. I palm her cheek so that she’s looking right at me.

“Will you be my woman?” I ask seriously. Fuck it. Why not?

“Only if you’re my man.” 

“Well, I’ve been told that I’m a bear, but I’ll be your man too.” I joke before pressing my lips against Emma’s in a feverish kiss.

As the water gets cold, we finally climb out and get dressed for the day. I decide to take Emma out for breakfast at the diner in town before we go in search of furniture for her guest bedroom. Her parents are arriving next weekend and it was adorable when she shyly asked me if I’d be willing to meet them. I assured her that I’d be happy too and to just let me know when.

We spend a few hours at the furniture store where Emma purchases a matching bedroom set before going to a mattress store and trying out all of the mattresses to determine which would be a good purchase for her guest bedroom. They are able to deliver it same day which is nice so we pick a time for it to arrive that afternoon. We then head to a department store so she can pick out curtains, bed linens, and other odds and ends that I’m told a room requires like lamps and decorations. Being a single man for the majority of my adulthood that was mostly away in the military, I didn’t realize how much work women put into buying all of this shit. Why does she need the guest bath towels to match the hand towel in the bathroom? Or all of the little knick-knack items she bought to go on the dresser? I’m even more confused when she was discussing bed trains? No bed skirts. I’ve slept on friends couches without even a blanket but she’s really rolling out the red carpet for her parents. It’s a bit concerning if they are expecting all of this from their daughter who has lived here for under two months. Maybe they don’t expect it and she’s just trying to show them that she’s a capable adult who plans on settling here. I watch as she spends a small fortune trying to get everything in order for their visit. It’s obvious that she values their opinions. What if they don’t like me? I’m certainly different from the preppy type of guy that they’re used to seeing her with. I’m kind of rough around the edges and although I think I’m pretty smart, I certainly don’t hold advanced degrees. I’m broken from my thoughts when Emma asks my opinion about curtains. It’s sweet that she wants my opinion but I’m a fish out of water when it comes to decorating.

We load up all of the stuff and head back to Emma’s house where I get started hanging curtains as we wait on the furniture and mattress delivery. Emma orders us pizza and we munch on pizza and beer for a while. I’m regretting all of my additional workouts after I finally get the bed put together and the mattress put on it. Emma tried to help but she’s so little I didn’t want her to hurt herself so I ended up just man-handling it myself. She had washed the new bedding and put everything together before we took a look at it and she dove across the top of the bed. Emma patted the space beside her and I laid down next to her on top of the comforter. 

“I’m fucking exhausted and I didn’t even lift the heavy stuff.” She exhaled.

“I didn’t realize it was so much work to put together a bedroom. You sure know what you’re doing though.”

“Thank you. I just pick what I like. I couldn’t have done it all without you though, so thank you, baby. I can’t wait to have them visit and see that I’ve got my shit together here. That I’m not some dumb kid who needs rescuing. I’m able to handle myself.” Ahh, so I was right about that. It’s about proving herself to her parents.

“I think they’ll be impressed, Sugar. I know I am.” I smile at her before yawning.

She kisses my lips before scratching my beard gently. 

“Can we go back to yours, shower and then go to sleep? I’m dead on my feet.” She asks as she stands up and fluffs the new pillows. Why are there like 5 pillows that will just get thrown on the floor? Seems wasteful.

“You still want to come back to mine with me?”

She nods. “I want to be with you and the pups. Since they are at yours, it wouldn’t make sense to get them and come back here. I always sleep really good with you…Unless you’re too tired for a sleep over.” She says sheepishly and I wrap my arms around her.

“Nothing could be better than having my girl in my bed with me.” I tell her because I’m beginning to believe it’s the truth. “Let’s go.” 

We turn out all of the lights and lock up before heading back to mine. Emma’s car is still parked out front from where she left it and it makes me happy that she wants to be here with me. There’s a summer storm approaching and the wind has picked up which has Emma’s hair twirling in the breeze. I pull the patio cushions inside when I let the dogs out to do their business. After a quick shower because we are both too tired to do anything but clean ourselves, we do our nighttime routines before climbing into bed. Emma snuggles next to me with her head on my chest and I’m confident that it’s going to be a good night as we drift off to sleep.

It’s hot, but more than just hot. It’s sweltering. I can feel the sweat rolling down my chest and my back. It’s the type of unbearable heat that has your clothes sticking to your skin the instant you walk out of the mess hall. Then you add your gear, and the added weight from your gear plus your sweat soaked clothes is a certain feeling that I’ll never forget. I smell the smoke of an explosion further in the distance. We have our orders and it’s my job to lead our special forces team in to execute our orders exactly like planned. The problem with that is that most things never go as planned. It would be easy for this to be a cookie cutter mission where we get in and out and go back to base and fuck around for the rest of the afternoon. No, this will require me thinking on my feet at every turn. It’s what I’m trained for, hell, I’m the best which is why I’m the captain. I’ve got seven men with me whose lives rely on me assessing our situation and giving correct orders. They are sons, husbands, fathers, brothers, and friends who have people waiting on them at home. Each order I give is weighted by the knowledge that I’m responsible for them. We’re crouched in different positions behind the old dilapidated building that the informant said our guy would be in. The sun is glaring across our faces but we’re in the best position we could be in for this mission. We’ve been after this specific hostile for months and never been this close to him before. We can hear men inside the building, yelling in Arabic and moving around so we must remain completely silent. If we can hear them, they could hear us. We are ghosts that can’t be seen or heard but must work as a team for this to go smoothly. If one person spots us, it will turn into a close-range gun fight that I can’t imagine we will all win. I inhale deeply and even though there is dust on every inch of myself and the ground, I try to focus my thoughts. 

As I am about to give orders to direct my guys to move on to the next step of our plan, I hear the tell-tale whistle of a bullet zipping through the air. I swivel to the left with my gun and look for the insurgent. I can’t see anyone but the bullet buries itself in the left shoulder of Waites across the way from me. We were fucking set up. I swing my gun back around and that’s when it happens, I hear the bullet and feel it explode into my lower left thigh at the same time blood spews from my friend, Goodwin’s head who had crouched beside me when I stood to look for the shooter. My leg gives out and I instantly drop down into the dirt to where I’m level with Goodwin’s face and it’s obvious, he was killed instantly. His eyes are still opened and he has a massive wound to the head. Anthony. Fuck. His girlfriend is expecting a baby girl in a few months. My leg is burning from the inside out but my adrenaline spike helps me ignore the pain and I grab my gun and instantly start shooting towards the rooftop where I believe the sniper might be. I hear Brown screaming before I realize he’s got Waites against the building and is yelling into the radio for help. I watch as insurgents start coming out of the building we were casing and I start taking them out. Lowell goes down. Setas is either hurt or attempting to provide aid to Lowell. I can’t tell but I never stop shooting. Ramirez is also trying to find the source of the ambush with his own gun. Bullets are flying, many from my own gun as I empty the clip into the only building the sniper could have been on, Browns pleas for backup, along with Waites heavy gurgling breaths fill my ears. I feel a hand on my arm and flinch.

            “Austin! Captain…Captain Syverson. Look at me.” Two hands on either side of my face help me focus in. “St..Stand down. You are safe, the threat has been eliminated. Your superiors have given orders to return to base for further instruction. Do you understand?” 

I blink against the water that’s dripping down my face. Emma?

“My men. The injured men in my unit. Where?”

“They are at base getting medical. Captain, I need you to confirm that you understand me.”

I blink and then nod slowly. “Roger that.” I mutter distractedly. I look around. I’m in the backyard of my house, leaning against the brick exterior in my underwear. I have my pistol tucked in the back of the waistband of my boxers and I’m wearing the boots I leave by the back door. In my hands I’m clutching my old hunting rifle that I keep on the top shelf of my closet. Shit. I’ve done it again. I’ve had a PTSD nightmare, but this is so much worse because Emma is here to witness it. I look over at her. She’s crouching on her knees in front of me wearing nothing but my water-soaked t-shirt and panties while she’s barefoot in the mud. Water is dripping from the ends of her hair from the rain that’s pouring down on us. She looks terrified and concerned. 

“Fuck, I’m so sorry.” My throat aches either from unshed tears or maybe I was yelling earlier.

“Austin, baby, are you back?”

I nod. “Emma, I’m so sorry.” I mutter as tears mix with the rain that drips down my face. This is what I was afraid would happen if I got close to her. If I let her in. I would relax and then my past would quite literally present itself.

“Baby, don’t be. You’re okay, we’re okay.” She tells me as she reaches towards my face that’s now aimed at the ground.

“Aika?” 

“I left her inside. I know you said she could help but I wasn’t able to tell if your rifle was loaded and I didn’t want her startling you and there being an accident.” 

Jesus. She was afraid I’d shoot my own dog, because she’s right, I was nowhere near my right mind. Here we are over six months since my last flashback yet this was the most involved PTSD episode I’ve ever had. Thank fuck I keep my ammunition locked and separate from my guns for situations like this. 

She stands and reaches to help me up but I can’t let her help me stand. My leg feels as though it has been shot just yesterday but that could be a result of me crouching on my knees in freezing rain outside in the middle of the night, not just the psychological pain from my flashback. 

“Come on baby.” She takes the rifle from my hand and I don’t protest. I follow her silently back to the house. The air conditioning on our soaked skin has both of our bodies covered in goose bumps. Aika bounds to me whining and crying and I sit down in a chair from the table and run my hands through her thick fur. I bury my face into her back and focus on breathing. My palm clutches my leg that’s radiating phantom pain from where I got shot. Emma appears next to me with a towel but hesitates. 

“Can I help you clean up a bit?” She gestures with the towel.

I nod and she leans down and starts wiping the mud off of my legs. 

“Sugar, I…”

“Baby, nothing needs to be said. I’m okay, and you are going to be. Would you take a warm shower with me?” I look at her and want to just burst into tears. How is she so kind and understanding after what I just did? After what I could have done?

“Please?” She urges and I nod. I follow her to the master bathroom and watch as she turns the water on. Aika stays close and sits down behind me in the bathroom floor. I have no idea what time it is in the night or early morning or how long she’s been awake dealing with me. Emma pulls out two fresh towels for us and then whips the sodden shirt off of her torso before removing her panties. She looks at me and then slowly and gently eases my soaked boxer briefs down my legs before taking my hand and pulling for me to get in the shower. Once I step in, steam surrounds me and I take a deep breath. I’m exhausted, flashbacks always take the energy out of me and it’s not like I’ve been sleeping great this past week. Emma begins lathering a wash cloth with soap and gently starts cleaning me. I stand there perfectly still and let her do what she wants as I attempt to think of anything that I could say to make this situation better. I’m aching with embarrassment. Once she washes me, she quickly washes herself before turning around and caressing her hand on my cheek. She leans down and picks up my wrists that were laying limp by my sides and wraps them around her waist before putting her own around my neck. My eyes are aimed down focusing on the suds swirling around the shower drain.

“Baby, look at me.” She says with the sincerest and worried look on her face and that’s when my resolve breaks. I bury my face into her neck as the hot tears stream from my eyes. I can’t seem to stop them and I ache when I hear myself let out a sob that sounds so painful and broken even to my own ears. Emma tightens her arms around me and guides me back to the bench that we once used for a much different form of intimacy. Emma curls herself around me and holds me tightly while I fully break down. Once my breath starts to come easier, I carefully pull my head from her shoulder and try to clean my face up.

“Let’s dry off and lay down.” She says as she turns off the water and starts toweling me off. I gently take the towel from her, not wanting to be babied but not wanting to seem ungrateful. Once we dry off, Emma hands me some boxers and she tosses on a dry shirt and panties on before we sit on the bed. It’s silent and I feel like I have to say something.

“I’m sorry. I can’t imagine what you must be thinkin’ but I’m so sorry. I’m sorry I woke you, scared you and I’m sorry I’m so fucked up. I completely understand if this is the last time I see you.” I say quietly and she looks shocked.

“Austin, I’m not going anywhere. This is what relationships are about. Holding each other through the good and bad. I’m not scared and you’re not fucked up. You’re haunted and although I don’t know the details of it, I want to help you through it. Even if you don’t want my help, I’m not leaving you.”

“You shouldn’t have to deal with this. I should be better. I survived, Damnit! I shouldn’t have any problems. Goodwin, Lowell, Waites, they are the ones who died. I just got shot in my stupid fucking leg after leading them to their deaths!” I sob.

“You are allowed to have problems. Their deaths are hard on you but you are not responsible for it. I don’t know what happened, but I know it’s not your fault.”

“The informant set us up, we were ambushed. Goodwin, God. Goodwin got shot right in front of me. I watched the life drain from his eyes. He has a little girl that he’s never met. If I had questioned the mission from my superiors or done more digging on the informant, they would all be alive right now. I had to look at their family members at their funerals and I’ll never forget the grief from their loved ones. Goodwin’s pregnant girlfriend, Lowell’s widow, Waites’ mom. I still see them sobbing over their caskets in my mind. I didn’t deserve to live when they didn’t get too.” I finally say out loud. I take deep breaths attempting to calm my body from going into another spiral.

“Bear.” Emma reaches for me.

“It’s been years and I still get like this. Hell, it might be getting worse. I don’t think this is something I’ll just get over. I’m too fucked up, Emma. You deserve someone who doesn’t have these types of demons.” My eyes blink heavily.

“You are not fucked up. I deserve you because you treat me better than I’ve ever been treated before.” My eyes droop and I know it’s a result of the flashback. When I have them, my body goes through the trauma all over again so when the adrenaline finally stops coursing through my body, I basically crash.

“Love, you look exhausted. Can you try to sleep for me?” She asks and gently pushes for me to lay down. My head is resting between her breasts as she lays back on her back. We’ve never laid like this before but it’s comforting.

“I’m right here, I’m not leaving. Aika’s here and so is Mills.” She tells me while caressing my head but my eyes are already closed, too heavy to fight staying open longer. I wrap my arm around her waist and within moments, I’m deeply asleep soothed by the steady rhythm of Emma’s heartbeat as she caresses my scalp.

Part 11

Taglist: @shellyshellshell, @henryownsme, @caramariehurst, @beck07990, @mollymal, @kingliam2019, @syversonswife, @identity2212, @starfirewildheart, @hannah9921, @wa-ni, @kneelforloki, @cutedoxie, @enchantedbytomandhenry, @foxyjwls007, @geralts-yenn, @courtlynwriter, @corrie1013, @squeezyvalkyrie, @summersong69, @livisss, @mayloma, @uunotheangel, @warriormirkwood

[stillfrownyclownlol]

Oh nooooo somebody stole my Aidlyn/Ashden headcanons so now I have to write more ... ✨️

(SORRY IM SPAMMING THE TAG 😭😭😭)

Some of these are based on my dad because he has bpd and he really reminds me of Aiden.

-His sense of humor is so broken like. Probably makes "that's what she said" and "your mom" jokes. Ash thinks he is the unfunniest person alive 🤡 and she STILL laughs at him (but never when he's trying to be funny). I think he'd be on Vine a lot lmao. He would laugh at that video of the bread slice falling over no cap.

-Aiden Clark, Professional Doomscroller. Maybe an itty bitty bit addicted to social media cuz "omg easy dopamine hit" even if he doesn't post a lot. Would prolly be chronically on TikTok if he was a teen today 🤡 Ash WILL steal his phone and hide it so they can "do something productive" (which alternates between her trying to teach him basic life skills to him falling out of a tree because they went outside for five minutes)

-her parents also gave him a truly awful shovel talk. He came out of it, kneeled in front of her, and said if he broke her heart to kill him before her parents did 💖 Tyler and him bond about their "scary in laws", although he has a better relationship with Mike and Emma than Tyler does with Mary and James 🤡

-convinced her to go to prom because "free food" and managed to wrangle out a slow-dance from her. He already likes dancing, SHE likes dancing...he wants to dance together ^_^

-She really likes his normal smile, when he's not forcing it. He takes good care of his teeth, so he's got a real bright smile :)

-Aiden tried to teach her how to skateboard a few times. She can...stand on it without falling off and roll around, but no tricks lol. Ash still thinks it was just an excuse for him to grab her hands or waist while she was balancing.

-Some problems in the relationship: they are not very good at communicating how they feel, so there's a lot of misunderstandings between them unless the gang intervenes haha ":D Sometimes Ash feels very suffocated by him and she really dislikes his apathy towards himself, and Aiden sometimes feels like Ash doesn't care about him nearly as much as he cares about her.

-his depressive episodes alternate between "I'm just gonna lie here and hope I die" to "actively trying to self destruct", sometimes he might go on a binge (overdosing on his meds, and when he's older he might sometimes drink too much or go on really dangerous joy rides, he's an awful driver), they really freak Ash out :( Recovery is a very long road with no end destination. She's trying to get better at reassuring him and he's trying to...just get better.

-both of them suck at remembering their anniversary 🤡 Aiden is a littleeeee bit better

-They have a knife collection they share ❤️

-he has her as "love of my life 💖✨️😍" on his phone contacts and has a special ringtone for her and everything. Absolutely not embarrassed about it, Ash...definitely is 💀 (she has him as "Aiden")

-sends her really bad poetry he wrote for her because writing his feelings down by himself is easier than saying it in the moment. Ash keeps all of them in a shoebox in her closet.

-she's not really good with touching and stuff but she feels better touching him, like a good stim. Really likes holding his face (no eye contact). Also enjoys him holding her hand.

-Secretly a little insecure about how she looks. She has never really thought about it before because she never cared about it, but now, in a relationship, she's kinda self conscious about him perceiving (read: constantly staring) her. She's very short and thin (even with muscles from ballet and training) and feels like a "late bloomer." Aiden thinks she's the closest thing to physical perfection that exists and will tell her this constantly ^_^

-She actually likes how he smells (grâce à: his really expensive soap lmao) but she would die before telling him lol

-The first time she kissed him her brain kinda shut off and she just squished their faces together while puffing her cheeks up. He bust out laughing and completely murdered the mood 💀 They'll figure it out...eventually

[charmedreincarnation]

hi i’m sorry for this small rant. i really hope you reply to it because i’m spiralling so bad. i have been listening to v powerful luckiest girl and get all your desires instantly forced subs and i had two really bad days and overall my life feels so shit and i feel like nobody gives a shit about me feel left out with my friends and am really regretting some past choices i have made as in subjects i chose to study. why do subs not work on me ever? i detach but subs just don’t work for me idk what should i do i want to enter the void and live my better/dream life but i keep failing and i’m so spiraling so hard rn. i am not even seeing small success i can’t even manifest my acne away or to grow a few inches how will i enter the void and magically change my life entirely. please help me out. how do i manifest or enter the void as soon as i can. i am being delululu living in 4d but yes ik if i am truly living in the end i shouldn’t have doubts but it’s been so many months when will i see results in my 3d. manifestion should be instant right. i’m sorry for my negativity i hope you have a great day

Hi love! I feel like any of this could be answered in another ask, but you seem really worried, so I'm going to answer it anyway!

First and foremost, you are allowed to have doubts. Just because you have doubts doesn't mean you're producing those thoughts. From a psychological perspective (which aligns with LOA), our thoughts are not entirely our own. This is a scientific truth, whether you believe in LOA or not. Scientists say that our thoughts are influenced by external factors such as our environment, upbringing, and the thoughts of others. Sound familiar? They also claim that we have the power to change our thoughts and create our own reality by consciously choosing the thoughts we entertain. So, just know that you're going to have doubts until the end, but as long as you categorize them as random thoughts and not your own beliefs, they don't matter! For example, if someone dressed as Chucky the doll jump-scared you and you started having "scary" thoughts about it, that doesn't mean you actually believe Chucky is real and coming to get you. You have psychological responses to certain things that have been ingrained and coded in you for a while now. What LOA does is help us intercept these false messages and reframe them as "useless" instead of messages we encode in our mind and assumption.

I've always been interested in psychology and neurology, and even though it doesn't directly relate to your question, it's important to mention that you do have a brain, and your brain is wired to act in certain ways. Once you're aware of why you're acting and believing certain things, it becomes way easier to understand that the 3D world is malleable. I really suggest reading books by authors like Joe Dispenza so you can understand yourself better. Also, watching YouTubers who explain anxiety and reading self-help books can provide helpful ways to manage your own anxiety.

The second thing is, if you don't believe in subliminals, I don't know why people do this, but if you don't have faith in something or assume it doesn't work for you, just use something you have a little faith in. For example, maybe you're more logical. You can read about brain waves and then listen to binaural beats for anxiety,manifesting, and faith. Have faith in it, because you'll understand and know that those waves genuinely change your brain's alignment. That's just one example, but subliminals are not the only type of audios out there. There are many other methods to explore.

Also, meditation is very helpful. Not just to reach the void, but do you know how many conscious thoughts we have in a day? On average, it is estimated that a person has around 60,000 to 80,000 thoughts per day. These thoughts can range from conscious, deliberate thoughts to automatic, repetitive thoughts. That doesn't even include the number of unconscious thoughts we have, which is probably 100k+. You constantly have these little things running around in your head, trying to keep you alive, keeping you repeating the same thought patterns, beliefs, and assumptions. You can't consciously control them most of the time, but your brain and mind are working overtime 24/7. It's not your fault, so that's why meditation can help you. Not just to reach the void, though you can tap into that using some form of meditation as well, but to clear your mind and then it’s there it will be better to affirm and believe you can do whatever you desire. If you're not truly embodying the desired state, which you're not because you sent this ask, do you think a few measly affirmations can counteract the hundreds of thousands of thoughts you've been having every day since birth, most of which you don't even know exist? Affirmations do work, but trust me, I've been where you're at and worse. This is not the state to solely rely on "miracle affirmations" because you won't believe them, and when something doesn't happen, you'll just want to give up and confirmation bias will make you subconsciously think, "Well, see? I knew it. It isn’t real" But in reality, your mind is just looking for proof to align with your negative beliefs.

I know you say you haven't manifested anything, but can you really think back to something you thought was a "coincidence" or something you didn't really ask for but it just appeared? We usually brush those off as just the world at play or a small world, but nope, that was you. Maybe you don't have clear skin or whatever your desire may be, but as you probably know, that's because you've put it on a pedestal compared to all the other "small" but great things you've manifested

I know you probably wanted me to tell you exactly what to do, but I genuinely don't know you the way you know yourself - your own self, mind, and behaviors. You know best, fr! I could have said anything I've said before, like imagination is the real reality, the 3D being malleable, if you can see and feel it you can manifest it, try SATs or lucid dreaming lalala. But I've learned that you know what you have to do. Sit and meditate to learn about yourself and your mind, and why you think what you think. What past experiences do you still hold onto, reliving them in your mind and creating assumptions that no longer serve you? They can still affect you, we are humans and emotions cling to us like bees to honey, and that's okay. But we need to start moving those experiences into the past and start creating with what we are now, which is the present. Any given moment is a time to say, 'Okay, this doesn't serve me anymore, and this does. I don't want this life anymore, I want this type of life,' and consciously start creating with those desires instead.

Acknowledge your doubts, they're just doubts, and they're really just an extension of life factors that have been slowly consuming your mind. You may have them, but as a god, do you have them? No. But as a human, you are influenced by them, and who cares? You know who you are and your power now, so if you disregard them, work around them. But I can't tell you what to do because I'm not you! I wholeheartedly believe that you will get through this because I have as well and the lows are just apart of your journey as the success as corny as it sounds. But when you do succeed I promise you’ll back to this movement and just be very happy you didn’t give up despite how hard it was 💝

[syncopation53]

The thing about nimbus that makes them such an interesting character to me is that they are earnest and unapologetic and excitable and they put 110% into everything they do at all times and all of it comes from a place of “pay no attention to what’s behind the curtain lighthearted funnyman persona”

Not to say that nimbus is Actually just full of angst and sadness and tragedy behind the scenes all the time. they aren’t, not even with the death of their mentor. nor is it all that different from what they are feeling at any given moment. it’s not. But being neomuni, being a cloud strider, a protector of their people (and an incredibly competent one at that), it gives them a certain presence to their self-image in their own mind that probably wouldn’t be there if they were just another digital citizen, if they were still Dara Danu instead of Nimbus. The augmentations they put themself through to become a cloud strider aren’t something eating away at their lifespan every waking moment, it was a conscious choice and noble sacrifice. Rohan’s death wasn’t something to mourn, it’s something to inspire and propel them to fight and work harder and preserve his memory. Their jokes and commentary aren’t ways to put distance between Nimbus the Cloud Strider and Nimbus the Person, it’s just their brand of humor that some people find annoying. But that’s fine by them, they wouldn’t be bothered by that. Their core is still protected, and that’s all that really matters in the end. This way nothing can reach them, hurt them, pull them in any direction other than where they want to go. This way nimbus as a whole is friendly and open and protected and untouchable, paradoxically in thanks to how ridiculously, unabashedly comfortable they are in their own skin, so much so that it becomes a caricature of itself without anyone even trying to make it that way, least of all nimbus themself

And they are themself, fully, during the entirety of lightfall and post-campaign. They’re silly and fun-loving and goofy and joking and reckless and overconfident and compassionate and intelligent and caring and emotional and dedicated to the safety of their people above all, and it’s all over-the-top and in-your-face and probably a little bit too forceful thanks to them going from one in a team of two with someone to watch their back and cover for them so they can goof off on the job to The lone cloud strider responsible for the survival of their entire civilization more than ever now with their presence being known to the rest of the solar system and also dealing with shadow legion and vex incursions on the side. It’s their nonchalant “I’m full of fury” line that made me think “oh you are absolutely blorbo material” but it was the mission in the black garden for deterministic chaos that really made my third eye open and my brain say “oh. oh there is so much more going on with your character than we realize. ok then” *becomes my new favorite*

[majimasleftasscheek]

Honestly if it’s ok I would like to hear your thoughts on Kazumi? I’m having brain rot at the idea of Kiryu being a drag queen or gender-fluid and there’s like no one talking about it and I just wanted to know how you’d picture it because your goromi headcanon is just so well thought out- if this is a weird question or a hard one to answer I’m sorry it’s my first time doing this-

no worries, I LOVE talking about good shit like this 👀

SO KAZUMI

I don't particularly see her as genderfluid like I do Goromi but!! I do see her as a drag identity, just not as bold as the former.

Kazumi in a sense is very much how I interpret Goromi - that being she's pretty much the same dude but now in a wig but with a few changes.

she'd for sure have a Kiryu-esque seriousness to dressing up as in treating it like some kind of mission than a more casual thing. she'd have to be reminded like yo this ain't a substory, you can put your lipstick on without the concentration of someone fighting for their life.

in a way being Kazumi is a sort of break for Kiryu. he HAS to chill out and it's rough at first but eventually he's like okay, this is okay, I can just be

she's even more quiet and reserved than Kiryu already is, preferring to be left alone. it's a mix of not exactly knowing how to feel in drag and general internalized embarrassment so she's not up to being social about it. there's certainly an uncharacteristic lack of confidence on her part and needs a bit of encouragement to really feel like she isn't looking ridiculous.

Kiryu seems like, a by the book type of guy, due to his upbringing and general way he carries himself, so putting on drag is very alien to him. like, he can certainly see other people doing it. but himself? wild. that said, he's bold and fairly immune to what people think of him but something about being Kazumi, for a good chunk of time, is very intimate, especially if he's around people he knows.

when she's with people she trusts, that's when she starts having a good time, maybe even being a lil bombastic then immediately covering her mouth when she laughs too loud. but if her present company comforts her, she'll be happy to let slip a more excitable version of herself. it helps knowing that, for the time, she's just someone else and that someone else can do whatever the fuck they want. it's even better that few people would recognize her, let alone even think a guy like Kiryu is Kazumi at first glance.

Kazumi is a bit of a tease, a bit more sensual. not flagrantly obvious but it's there, with the way she sways her hips and looks at you with those beautiful eyes™ that say everything and anything you wanna hear. Kiryu's a very reactive type of guy, doing this and that because of something else. Kazumi however takes the initiative in little ways as a measure of testing her own waters, as to do something Kiryu probably wouldn't unless provoked. Kazumi has no goals, she lives in the moment and wants to enjoy it on her own terms.

dresses in colors very much like her usual suit (red, gray, white). will be super self conscious about her ass hanging out in short dresses and if you come at her with the 'but you don't mind if you're wearing a fundoshi?' and you can literally see the gears turning in her head.

not super great at fighting in heels (compared to Goromi) so she's not pulling crazy moves or running around. she prefers beast mode and the graceful art of blunt force trauma to play keep-away

KAZUMAJI TIME I'm unwell

so the way Kiryu interacts with Goromi is SO important to me and it's equally just as important for my thoughts on Kazumi so you'll see a lot of parallels here.

Majima is MAD horny for Kazumi it's unreal. impressively brainrotted even by goblin standards. partly because it's very exciting to see Kiryu prettied up and partly because he can just see the ✨ gender ✨ radiating off of Kazumi even if it's not as much of a gender thing for her as it is for Majima. he gets that chest tight sort of happy seeing Kiryu try something so important to him.

definitely shows his love via gift giving and physical affection. Kazumi's not big on gifts in general because it's embarrassing so she has to often convince him to just take her out for a good time and that's fine enough. for her, the affection is more important than anything and she'll admit, she likes to be wooed

I have to include Haruka cuz how can I not 🥺 she definitely helps out with makeup and hair. it's not perfect but she's the only person Kazumi will not squirm around for. Kazumi will sit still a little for Majima/Goromi to help out but she's gonna complain about it the whole time.

every minute Majima's not hanging onto Kazumi like she's his trophy wife is another minute he dies inside. he makes it an event to let everyone know he's got the hottest girl in town and it makes Kazumi feel pretty damn good.

Kiryu knows he's hot as hell so that extends to Kazumi as well—small crowds preferably though. despite enjoying a bit of attention, she still prefers plenty of alone time. there is significant anxiety for her to be the center of attention either because someone might recognize her or because things going to shit is just how Kiryu's life tends to go.

she lovesss getting a rise out of Majima, especially if they're in a place he has to behave. since he's her biggest fan, she does like a good bit of ordering him around, often to the point he's actually irritated but that's just part of the game for them, being smug heathens @ each other. I'm a goblin for possessiveness and jealously so throw in a bit of that for flavor 😏

I have a Kazumi x Majima fic where she's very dommy mommy and he's a meek lil worm and I think that's a sign of nature healing.

BIG fluffy Goromi interactions, they're very affectionate together and Goromi's just so giddy to have Kazumi go out with her. she will however bite people's fingers if they so much as wave in Kazumi's direction. the excitement from Goromi does help stave off Kazumi's own insecurities.

being with Goromi does give Kazumi a bit of perspective she otherwise wouldn't really understand as Kiryu. I can see her having one of her typical "wow, people sure do live differently than I do and I've gained more respect for such things" sorta deal lol. basic stuff but significant to those around her.

[tea-moon-ster]

Courage, dear heart

hello! have some Kasey/Alex angst set during SW. that ginger took rainbow tape out at All Stars and you can't tell me Kasey didn't have a little crisis when he saw. read it on ao3 here. all characters belong to @lumosinlove.

The night of All Stars, Kasey’s brain switched off the moment he saw Alex skate around with rainbow tape around his stick, opening a line of colorful players behind him. And it was unfortunate, because it happened right at the beginning of the night. Kasey hadn’t thought about much else for the few hours spent at Remus’ place, only offering vague comments every now and then. Natalie’s eyes finding his over the Cubs’ heads had been the one thing keeping him at bay.

Then Logan had called his boys, and that’s how they found out. The tape had been Alex’s idea.

Kasey wanted to say something, anything to him. He wrote ten texts or so on his phone, feeling stupidly self-conscious as he erased them all. Hey, Al, nice tape. Hi, loved your idea. Hey, Alex, good gesture. He sighed, wondering how did he always make everything so complicated. And why he’d never had the courage to do something similar.

And now there they were, in Dumo’s backyard, with the Lions’ team and their families surrounding them.

The Lions were going to the finals, and they felt invincible.

The air was electric even outside of the rink, following them everywhere and rising every time they met. Kasey could see it in Thomas’ grin, in the little jumps Finn made any time he was on his feet. Leo told him it was a mixture of things for him. We’re so close, and my parents are here, and I have two boyfriends, can you believe it? Because I can’t. I feel like I could climb the Everest in one morning. Kasey shared that excitement, but he had to admit that it was nowhere near to the thrill of his first seasons in the league. It tasted bitter in his mouth. Most things about hockey did, now. Leo’s sparkling eyes had brought fresh air in hockey, at least for Kasey, and he was glad for it. A little push to go on until he couldn’t.

And Alex was there.

 I wouldn’t miss it, he’d said. How ever it goes. He was standing by a bush with Timmy and Olli, and Kasey couldn’t hear their conversation, but they were laughing and shaking their heads. He never failed to make people laugh.

Kasey saw the moment Alex’s eyes spotted him, leaning against the wall. He watched him excuse himself with a warm smile and one last joke. His eyes followed him to the drinks table, and saw him grab two beers. He came to lean next to him and handed him one without a word.

Kasey took a sip as they watched the sun go down, drawing golden stripes on the surface of the pool. It was still too cold to jump in, but just standing next to it built the vibrant energy of the beginning of summer. Air of anticipation really was everywhere, these days.

Kasey stole a quick glance of Alex.

The same man standing in front of him had convinced half the players at All Stars to wear rainbow tape relying on sheer force of initiative, and a great deal of courage. Even if Kasey had been surprised to see it, he realized, looking back, that there really was no reason for it. Everything about Alex translated into actions, and watching him skate around and wave his hand at the fans with pride tape, he couldn’t see a difference between him and the boy he’d fallen in love with. The boy he’d shared playful glances in the locker room with, that made him laugh loud and messy, with the little snort, and that took him for long walks on the beach every time he played in Florida. Seeing colorful stripes on his stick had moved Kasey more than he cared to admit. What does it mean, and were you thinking of me?

Of course, Natalie had noticed, too. Natalie noticed everything and she was good at not making a big deal out of things. Kasey loved how she’d immediately understood whatever was going on between him and Alex, and how she’d kissed him gently after. It’s okay if you have love for both of us. Gentler than he could ever be with himself.

That night, they’d shared a surprised look as everyone commented the tape and the players, and he’d seen her gaze going from him to Alex-in-the-TV as she tried to figure it out with him. Was it a message? Or simple support? They’d held hands in silent reassurance, wondering what it all meant.

After a few minutes of comfortable silence—Alex was good at those, too- Kasey cleared his throat. He stole a glimpse of the redhead’s golden profile against the setting sun, serene and warm.

“Sick tape,” he blurted out. “At All Stars. Logan said it was your idea.”

Alex’s eyes darted on him, as if looking for something. But it was just for a moment. Then the usual lively grin crept in, for him to relax into.

“Yeah. I thought your captain could use some support, you know?”

Kasey turned to glance at Sirius, standing on the other side of the garden, smiling at something Adele was telling him. Remus was there, holding hands in a newfound sweetness that was delightful to see. Kasey swore it had all seemed impossible until it happened.

“He really did,” he nodded. “I’m glad he had it. It meant a lot.” Kasey stopped before adding to Cap, because they both knew that it wasn’t just that. It meant a lot to me.

Alex nodded, maybe not sure on how to answer. He looked around, and his smile softened when he found the Cubs over the snacks table. Finn had an arm around Leo’s waist, talking a mile a minute, while the other two were looking at him smitten happy. Kasey studied the redhead in front of him as he looked fondly at them.

“And, you know, it wasn’t just for Sirius. For Finn, too. And his boys.” He shook his head, smiling. “You know, Finn called me the morning of All Stars, all excited, saying Alex, big ass news, I’m so happy I’m gonna die, and told me everything.” He took a sip of his beer, eyes returning to Kasey with a raised eyebrow. “Well. I already knew something was up between him and Logan, like, ages ago. I was waiting for him to tell me. And he did, so I felt like I needed to show him that it was okay. On and off the ice.”

Kasey thought back at All Stars night, when eight people had crumpled into Loop’s living room. How Finn had shouted That’s my big brother, and the way his eyes were shining in front of the tv. Kasey had allowed himself to linger on those eyes for a few moments, while everyone else focused on the screen, thinking about the twin pair that Alex bore. He remembered their warmth on his skin, shining like a jewel in the sun. Kasey thought about those eyes a lot.

Bring your eyes on me and I’ll wear your stares like the most precious stones, an old song played in his mind. He didn’t remember the name.

Alex bit his lip, sobering, and those wonderful eyes moved to his shoes. His voice came out lower this time, a vulnerability that people didn’t get to see often.

“And—you know. I had to do it for myself, too.”

Kasey felt a wave of heat rushing to his head, his heartbeat growing faster. He tightened his grip around the beer, only for the icy glass to send shivers down his spine. But Alex looked calm—like he always did.

“I just thought, what’s the point, you know? ‘S not my problem if someone cares.”

He paused for a moment, and everyone else would have thought that he was waiting for a reply from Kasey. But Kasey knew he didn’t. Alex never expected anything from him. And in that moment, Kasey was glad, because he felt petrified.

Alex sent him a small, reassuring smile. Why was he reassuring him and not the opposite, Kasey wasn’t sure.

“I’m not gonna do a big coming out. I’ll just…stop hiding, I guess.”

Then he looked up, and snorted, shaking his head as he’d just told the most amusing joke. He took another sip. Kasey could see his ears blushing as he ripped off a corner of the beer’s label.

“I mean, nothing’s really gonna change, and there’s nothing to hide. But still.”

He said the last words with his usual calm, nonchalant serenity. He threw Kasey a helpless smile, and then returned to watching the people around them as if the conversation had never taken place.

That was what Kasey had never understood. What he’d never comprehended, what he could never do.

How Alex could appear, bright and warm and wonderful, throw a few smiles and jokes around, be what people needed him to be, and then drop bombs like that. Nothing’s really gonna change. There’s nothing to hide. And then he returned to normal, like his own words, his feelings, didn’t matter more than chitchats about the weather.

Kasey just looked at him.

Nothing’s really gonna change.

Alex had never been one for holding back. He’d never been afraid of what he felt, and at the same time he’d never expected anything in return. He just felt, and loved, in his warm and easy way, without taking or holding anything against him.

Kasey was the reason nothing would change. He knew it in his heart.

He knew it every time someone tried to ask Alex about eventual partners, or dates, hookups even, and he just shrugged and smiled. Nothing significant. Not really my thing.

He knew it every time they met or talked on the phone, and Alex inevitably asked about Natalie, but then he’d stay quiet for a bit.

Alex hurt quietly, and Kasey knew, and hurt even more quietly, and none of them would do anything about it.

Alex loved Kasey. He wouldn’t need to come out if it wasn’t Kasey at his side, simply because he didn’t want another man. So, nothing would really change. And the redhead looked like he didn’t mind.

Kasey could swear he was going to go crazy.

Did he know Kasey loved him back? They’d never spoken about it enough for the goalie to understand it, let alone about Nat’s feelings, or their deep conversations about love and guilt and pain the middle of the night. Did he know they watched all his games, traced his helmet on the screen with their fingers? That they whispered his name, like a secret just for the two of them?

Kasey just looked at him, even if it hurt to stare at a soul that didn’t know how to love without hurting. Or how much love and sleepless nights bore his name.

After a moment of silence too long, Alex must have felt Kasey’s stare on him, because he turned, and his smile softened.

“Oh, Kase, don’t look at me like that. I’m fine, really. I just meant…there’s nothing to notice, you know? But it’s fine.”

Kasey looked at him with pleading eyes, even if he didn’t really know what he needed from him. To stop talking, to stop caring, to stop being so nice about it.

Alex sighed, rolling his eyes back, his expression dropping for a second. He took a breath before wearing his smile again.

“Listen, let’s forget it. I just wanna have a good time with my friend, alright? Haven’t hung out in forever, you and I,” he said, nudging their shoulders together. He paused for a second, before taking another sip. “Hey, what are you doing at the end of the month? You know, after you and your team get your hands on that shiny thing.”

Kasey hurriedly looked around for some wood to knock on, but had to settle for the wooden piles under their feet, forming a path to the pool. He gently tapped one with his shoe a few times, ignoring Alex’s disbelieving scoff, and shrugged.

“Dunno,” he said, a small smile returning to his face. “Nothing planned yet.”

Alex grinned. “Well, in that case,” and Kasey rolled his eyes at the old joke, “I have the house at the Hamptons to myself for, huh, a long time. If you wanna come, with Nat of course, I’d be happy to have you two.”

Kasey looked in the crowd by the pool for Natalie, and found her with her feet in the water, talking to Katie as the she moved her tiny feet energetically, sending splashes all around them. The grip in his throat loosened a bit. He nodded.

“I’ll ask her, but you already know the answer.”

“Great,” Alex grinned, leaving a pat on his shoulder. “I’m gonna go grab another beer, want one?”

Try four or five. “I’m good, thanks.”

He returned the smile as Alex walked away, taking away with him a bit of the warmth in Kasey’s body. He let out a sigh, gulping down too much beer at once, and then looked around for a bit. There was something in spring nights that always made tears burn more as they sat stubbornly still at the corner of his eyes.

He glanced at Natalie again, and realized she’d been looking at him for a while, a frown worrying her brows. He bit the inside of his cheek, maintaining eye contact. He didn’t feel like shaking his head and scrolling it off. He didn’t have it in him, not that night. Not after that conversation. And in all honesty, he was tired of dismissing pain like nothing could scrap him.

So, he just shrugged helplessly and made a discrete hand gesture that meant later. She nodded, not fully convinced. Love you, she mouthed. He mouthed it back, and she finally focused on Katie again when he sent her a little smile—more like an imperceptible raise of a corner of the mouth, but she knew him.

He then glanced at the Cubs, still by the snacks table, where Finn was trying to make Logan dance to the rhythm of a low background song. Tremzy looked like he was protesting, but he let the redhead move them, nevertheless. Leo, leaned on the table, was filming them with a smile of his own.

They looked so happy, Kasey thought, glancing back at Natalie, and then searching for Alex, now chatting with Noelle and Thomas.

Kasey looked at the Cubs again, and then at his girlfriend, and then at the man he loved, and decided there was something he could do. Or at least try. He’d talk to Natalie that night, in the quiet comfort of their bedroom. They would figure something out.

Something could change.

.

.

.

[cinnamonest]

This is by far my favourite genshin yan blog, the way you write the characters are so like how i picture them! My question is, of all the mortal genshin boys, other than Razor, which do you see as the top handful of yans being most mentally determined to find you and bring you home if you managed to escape, even across the continent? Like, the LEAST willing to just give up eventually and find a new darling?

Uwahh ty anon <3

I like that you had to specify “other than Razor” lol

Obviously all are gonna be rather determined to find you again, but some in particular that come to mind:

-----

Ayato keeps a fairly humble exterior, but in truth, he has a sense of pride, and when that pride is wounded, it’s not something he can easily forgive.

Of course, he has quite a large amount of resources at his disposal, so he'll likely be able to find you rather quickly, in which case you'll get the cold treatment and quite a firm talking-to, after which the matter will be let go of, albeit gradually. Still, it won't be treated as that big of a deal.

Not that he isn’t attached to you, of course, but that pridefulness is a large part of his motivation in tracking you down. It’s not just ‘how could you leave me,’ but it’s more ‘how dare you leave me.’ It’s offense, anger, bitterness. You don’t get to do that. He’s not about to take such an insult without putting every resource he has at his disposal into correcting what he feels to be a transgression against him.

If, on the other hand, even all the subordinates he has on hand can't find you within a day or so, then it becomes a bigger issue. He initially had a few people sent out to retrieve you, but in this case, he'll instead direct all of the staff he has available to do so.

Over time, though, the longer you stay unfound, the more he begins to lose composure. Becomes more irritable, less emotionally stable, begins to uncharacteristically snap at people and lose his temper. Which he realizes and is self-aware of, often stopping and catching himself mid-sentence and forcing himself to calm down... the realization that he's acting so unusually undignified just drives him to put that much more effort in.

Which is also why, by the time you are finally found, it's far from a warm welcome home. You're treated with a rather cold demeanor, narrowed eyes downcast to look at you with disdain. He treats it as quite the offense, which is why you'll never be given such an opportunity again... and frankly, in part due to the fact that he's worried of what would become of his sanity if that were to ever occur again.

-----

Tighnari is a bit sad to witness, really. It’s yet another instance of the whole “mate for life” thing drives him to find you at all costs, his brain is hardwired to have a ‘one and only’ in a way a human’s brain is not. Life ceases to feel worthwhile, nothing else seems to be of any importance. He’ll forget to eat and sleep.

His mental state will gradually deteriorate the longer you’re gone. It's not a matter of logical reasoning that he's likely to find you, and while despair and longing is certainly a major element in it all, that's still not the root cause. It's a sense of wrongness. His brain is constantly alerting him to a sense of something being wrong and needing immediate resolution, an instinct that's subconscious rather than conscious, like pain or hunger, a sensation that is hardwired into the brain and will not go away until the issue is fixed.

People feel a lot of pity for him. He doesn't eat much, doesn't sleep. He'll go out into the forest, aimlessly wandering around, as if expecting to find something. Constantly searching, often to the point he's at the brink of collapse from exhaustion. He takes trips out into the city, to the desert, everywhere he can think of.

He also, probably more so than any other listed here, undergoes personality change, in which he essentially gradually becomes a hollow shell. Rarely speaks. All his movements become slow and lethargic, he walks around with glazed-over eyes staring out into nothing. It's such an innate instinct, he's essentially incapable of functioning normally, his very body begins to shut down out of grief as he becomes emaciated and dull-eyed.

That being said, pitiful as it is, and as tempted as you may be to feel bad for him, that also means it will be extremely unfortunate for you if you were ever found again. The experience leaves him utterly traumatized, to the extent that if you're found, you can be absolutely certain that you will never have the opportunity to leave ever again, regardless of how extreme the measure to ensure it may be.

-----

Childe is similar to Ayato in that it's partially a pride matter, but it's not a matter of that pride being offended by you running off, so much as it is maintaining it by being able to get you back. That is, he won't see your running off as a slight against him or hold a grudge, but he stakes his confidence in being able to hunt you down with ease.

Far more importantly, however, he likes the challenge of it. It's part of who he is in general, he's the sort of boy that if you say "there's no way you can do that" or the like, it will suddenly become his utmost imperative to do exact the thing in question and not stop until he has accomplished proving you wrong. It's practically compulsive, he has to prove that he is capable of whatever he decides to do, and the thought of being wrong and thus incapable is infuriating. Likewise, you running off is essentially an indirect way of you presenting a challenge to him. How could he ever just sit back and let you go, or not put full effort into finding you?

His attitude changes a bit, though, depending on the duration of time consumed. For the first little while, he treats it sort of like a game, has fun with the whole matter. He doesn't even seem all that upset that you've gotten out; if anything, he's almost excited by it.

Once you've disappeared for some time, though, and he begins to feel like he actually might not be able to find you, that you might get away, his attitude changes. Now he's actually getting nervous, and more importantly, the fact that you successfully hid from him for such a duration of time is... irritating. Basically you getting one over on him, and it feels like you're mocking him... in his head he can practically see you being all smug about it. Makes him grind his teeth, clench his fists.

The angrier he gets, the more frantic and desperate he gets with his search. Normally, he'll be slower about it, likes to see you squirm and finds it cute to see how you will try to hide away somewhere, so he likes to give you enough time to make it to potential "help" and all that, just to see you despair when it all falls apart anyway. But on the rare occasion you hide a little too well, and suddenly he actually can't find you, then it's a problem, and he'll be far stricter and harsher with his searching, and far more emotionally volatile to those around him.

Eventually this can become too much. If it takes too long and he genuinely panics, he'll even drop the usual snarky demeanor after finally finding you, too upset to even mock you, entirely focused on anger and prioritizing taking you back. So if you're finally found, but he's uncharacteristically quiet and cold, it's not a good sign for your immediate future.

-----

Heizou... well, he thinks he can find you, so he sets his mind to it.

He's a much more mentally stable yandere than most, but when it comes to you disappearing, when the situation arises, he has to calm himself down and remind himself that this is basically his specialty, is it not? He's been on plenty of missing persons cases before. He just needs to apply the same methodology he would use for those.

Of course, his personal emotions do get in the way of his efficiency. Due to being very lucid and all, his primary feeling in the moment is intense paranoia and panic that you're going to go to law enforcement. The first thing he does, actually, is head to the station himself, thinking he might catch you there if that is where you decided to go... but then again, you'd probably not do that for obvious reasons. In which case...

He has to calm himself down, but putting his mind to work helps with that process. He goes about it just as he would with anything else, making a mental list of possibilities, narrowing it down and prioritizing the most likely of those possibilities, then gradually begins checking each and using process of elimination. He has to keep his mind distracted, treat it like a case, or else he knows he's going to break down.

But in terms of dedication, he can keep it up for a very, very long time, and puts in every ounce of effort he has, everything he's learned over his years, into seeing it through. This, too, is largely about his own sanity. He focuses his entire mental energy into treating it like a case because he knows he'll fall apart if he doesn't, and thus, he's incredibly dedicated. He has to keep focusing on it, not take his mind off of it. The moment he begins to let himself despair, he'll give into paranoia, and quite possibly fully lose his mind.

Thus, in a way, continuing searching is what keeps him sane. If he stops, he'll be constantly paranoid, constantly panicked, but at least searching for you gives his brain a faux sense of progress, which calms him down... although, given enough time without success, that coping method might start to fail too...

-----

Although what is perhaps the absolute worst isn't immortal nor in any particularly notable position of power.

Kaeya is driven by a lot of things. Love, sure, it's part of it.

But primarily, above all else, when he comes home one day to an empty room, he goes through a few stages. First panic, grief, you know, the expected emotions, the whole process of frantically checking around for you, slowly coming to terms with reality. He then falls into a deep depression, lasting around two or three days, drinks himself to the point of unconsciousness at least twice over.

And then, when he wakes up slumped onto the couch, head pounding and dizzy, staring up at the ceiling, the hurt is quickly overridden by a new sentiment: pure, unadulterated spite.

It's no secret to you, after living with him for so long, that despite the exterior, he's not exactly the most emotionally stable person in the world, that he has quite his fair share of unresolved psychological issues.

It's a bit different from the pridefulness of precious entries. It's an extension of pride, tied to it, but it's more... malicious. Vengeful. Driven by a desire not just to get you back out of love, nor out of desire to restore a sense of pride, but because getting you back is the only way he can ensure you suffer.

Which is why you probably should have known better. You're just inviting the potential consequences. And that spite is one hell of a motivator.

Day in, day out. He takes time away from work, comes up with an excuse about an emergency that must be dealt with. Uses any and every resource at his disposal. Embezzles funds before he departs if necessary.

You think you can just get up and walk off. After everything he's done for you? No, no, you don't get to do that to him. You're not allowed to do that, you don't get to get away with that. It's a bitter, seething feeling, but that sensation just drives him to work harder. It can be easily utilized and converted into energy and dedication, like fuel to an engine.

He doesn't really have any limits to what he's willing to do, either. Unlike some that would still maintain their ethics, if threatening or hurting people is necessary to get information, it's not something he'll hesitate to do.

He may not have what others have — underlings at his command, the animal senses, the professional investigative background, the unlimited lifespan of time, or any of the other advantages that everyone else listed here has — but he gets the top ranking here purely by merit of relentless, boundless, unhinged determination. And, of course, unhesitating use of extreme measures and remarkable willingness for violence doesn't hurt. Quite the force to be reckoned with, and you really don't want to be on the receiving end of the vengefulness fueling it all... not that you have much of a choice, as you will be found eventually, no matter how far.

And yet, despite how unlikely it is, somehow, you know. When you come back one day and notice the lights are all out and door hanging open, you feel dread. When you walk in to a quiet, dark room, walk around the home with trembling footsteps, come to a halt and feel your eyes go wide as you look down to some indistinguishable shapes lying on the floor, you know immediately. Without having to think, without having to wonder, without any clues to go on. You just immediately, instinctively know. Even before you feel a presence right behind you, even before you slowly turn your head over your shoulder...

And you did, in fact, manage to get pretty far. Found some nice people that let you stay with them. How nice of them.

For most people, it would seem like you were in the clear, and even now, whenever you get paranoid, look around with nervous eyes in public and all, people tell you you're letting it get to your head, that there's nothing to worry about. But you can't shake the feeling.

[italiansteebie]

Could you write something where Steve has echolalia and he's self conscious about it? Maybe he tries to hide it somehow, but however you want to do it. I don't know if I should have been surprised to find that no one has written any, but I was, and I'd like to see it

I haven't been very inspired lately so this is kinda bad Im so sorry..

It's just a little drabble

Steve's Echo

-----------

"Welcome to Family Video!" Robin singsongs as a customer walks in. She pauses, waiting for the quiet echo, "Family Video!" There it is. When It first happened, she arched her eyebrow, but quickly eased her face as worry etched across her best friends face. "Sorry," He said, turning away, trying to mask the red brush that was creeping up his neck, blooming to the tips of his ears.

She brushed it off, it was obviously something Steve was sensitive about, why would she bring it up again? Unless he really wanted to talk about it, she considers, but he's never mentioned anything like that. So she let it go, and it became just another thing about Steve Harrington that was certainly unexpected.

Steve on the other hand, could not brush it off, and every time he echoed unconsciously, it was like the embarrassment took over his body. As a child, he often got in trouble for it, the mannerism being deemed as "mocking" or "making fun" by his teachers, and caused harsh whispers and a quick backhand from his father.

So he learned to repeat in his head until he could get somewhere private to soothe himself. It was the "bring-bring" of the bell, and the rumbling of Mr. Cornic's voice as he droned on about the chemical changes of hydrogen or whatever. He remembers excusing himself so many times in that class that Mr. Cornic pulled him aside and asked him if everything was okay. He nodded his head, shying away, and perfected the art of whispering under his breath just loud enough to feel the satisfaction but quiet enough that no one else could hear, and if they could, it wasn't bothersome.

With Robin, it was odd. He had a harder time hiding his echoes around her, but they never seemed to be bother some for her. She had made a face the first time he neglected to hold the echo back, but it didn't last too long. And soon it became such a normal occurrence, he had trouble holding it back around everyone else.

Dustin came into family video, rambling about something, but the way his voice sounded sparked something in Steve's brain. "Okay? Steve!" He said, and the mimic bubbled up out of his throat before he could stop it.

"Okayyyy. Steve!" and his mouth moved to repeat it a second time, but the look on Dustin's face made the urge sink in his chest, as shame and embarrassment rose up.

"Are you mocking me, Steve?" Hurt flooded Dustin's tone, and Steve was quick to shake his head, but the quick turn of events was getting overwhelming, his voice stuttered and shook as he tried to force the apology out of his mouth. Robin piped up before Dustin could get more upset, which Steve was eternally grateful for.

"Nah, dingus. It's just his echoes." She said simply, and Steve nodded dumbly, gesturing in agreement. "Huh? Like... Like echolalia?" Dustin questioned, and of course, of course, Dustin knows what it is. So, Steve nodded, voice coming unwound from his throat, "Yeah. It- uh. Yeah." He stuttered.

There was a look of realization on the kid's face, and the hurt that had been dwindling, was erased completely. "I get it dude. I have it too, but it doesn't happen as often. You know. I usually just skip over it like nothing happened. If I ignore it, so does everyone else." Relief washed over Steve as dustin finished his statement. "This is why you're my favorite," He said, ruffling his hair, voice coming out stronger as he recovers from the shock.

Dustin beams, and Robin nods at the two of them, "Like mother, like son." She says, waving a hand, walking away to organize the horror display.

-------------

Awful ending, I apologize

[1o1percentmilk]

fanat of my fursona getting put down by touichirou suzuki mob psycho 100

I look down, and I see the glowing-blue fluid flow into my veins, and it looks like lightning strikes, then fine dendrites, as it spreads throughout my paws. I don't know how it's possible to see this, as I'm covered in black fur - I might as well be hallucinating - but I don't care, because Touichirou's hand is closed over my paw, large, firm and warm. I sigh and snuggle into the seat, crinkling the exam table paper.

"Toui... I'm so glad you're doing this.." I trail off, shyly looking around the room. Even now, I'm having trouble meeting his eyes. It's silly, I know, to feel so self-conscious at this point. I force myself to look back, and he stares at me flatly.

He has such a way with words, I think, as he silently draws the needle out. Touichirou doesn't bother with a cotton ball to staunch the bleeding - it doesn't matter anymore - and I watch a weak arc of scarlet and blue glow-stick fluid spurt from my bloodstream. It's really quite pretty. He's so pretty....

I put a paw up to stroke at his face, but miss in my haze. It's spreading to my brain, circulated by my beating, fluttering heart in the presence of the man I've loved for so long. "Oops," I giggle, going in for another pet, which he easily dodges. "Playing hard to get, nya?"

"You are so fucking annoying. I will enjoy it when you're gone." The needle goes in the trash (it should really go in the bio-hazard bin, my health worker-compliance-brain warns me, but I let it slide), and he takes off his gloves (they weren't for my benefit, he didn't want to catch feral cat diseases). But I can't really get mad at him, can I? I just clap my paws and giggle and squirm around on the exam table, trying to bat at Touichirou again. He looks at me with his piercing eyes, and it's all I can do to not pass out at how it spikes my heart rate.

"Touichirou.... I always loved you... you know that, right?"

He narrows his eyes. "And I always hated you. Goodbye, Milk."

The door clicks shut behind him and I'm left alone in the veterinary office. The poison turns my blood to stone. The four walls become a coffin, the exam table my bed of roses.

And yet until my dying breath, all I can think about is my fanatical obsession for a man that doesn't even exist, my utter devotion to a concerted series of lines on a fucking screen. I love him. I love him. I love him...

...All turns to white, and I am freed from the mortal coil.

[pecanwriter]

Pathetically Self-conscious Losers (SSBHM)

Themes: mutual self-consciousness, omegaverse but no mpreg mentioned 

Words: 2815

Part: 1/1

Jamal swallowed heavily, instinctively sucking in his gut. He checked the address on the website again. The building number checked out, but there was nothing on the door to indicate this was what he was looking for. Uncertain, he looked around. There was an omega sitting on a shaded bench nearby. With a resigned sigh, Jamal approached him. 

“Um, hi, excuse me?”

The man startled, glancing up at him and then quickly hiding behind his mop of black hair. 

“Y-yes?” 

“Are you waiting for the Speed Dating event as well? I’ve got the address here but I think I might be at the wrong spot.” 

“Oh, no, no…” The man shook his head vehemently “I could never do that. I’m just people-watching.” 

“What do you mean?” Jamal asked, feeling like this conversation was getting out of control already; this is why he hated talking to people!

“It’s nothing creepy!” The omega hastened to say, almost shoving a thick sketchpad in Jamal’s face “I draw c-comics… I mean, never mind, I’m sorry, I don’t know where your event is.” 

“Can I sit down?” Jamal asked, against his better judgement. 

The omega stiffened for a moment, but eventually nodded hesitantly, still hiding behind his cloud of hair. Jamal sat down, forcing himself not to grunt as his gut immediately strained against his shirt and his belt mercilessly dug into his underbelly. As casually as he could, he leaned back, spreading his thick legs slightly, to make room between them for his overhang. He saw the omega glance at his body but quickly looked away in embarrassment. Of course. Jamal was glad the omega was not looking at him anymore because he was sure his forehead was already coated with sweat. 

“Are those your drawings…?” He asked, unsure why when the omega was so clearly not interested in him. 

“Mhm,” He nodded, placing the book in his lap. His hand hovered over the cover for a moment before he flipped it open. 

The pages were dense with all kinds of drawings, mostly of people and an occasional animal. They were done in an exaggerated, confident style with so much expression it honestly surprised Jamal. 

“Wow, these are fantastic! You’re so good!” He exclaimed, genuinely impressed. 

The omega finally looked at him from behind his curly mane. He smiled and Jamal glimpsed a wide flat nose, large lips and cheeks with a heavy spattering of angry acne. 

“T-thanks, it’s not much…” 

“I mean it, they’re really good. You’re very talented.”

The omega went to brush his hair away from his face but seemed to suddenly remember himself and dropped his hand.

“Why are you hiding behind your hair?” Jamal asked, not sure what on Earth possessed him to say that. 

“I don’t like people looking at my face…”

“Because of the acne?” Again, what the fuck was going on with him, why was he suddenly Mr. Direct? And if his brain chose that day to rid him of his crippling self-doubt, couldn’t it have waited for the Speed Dating event at least? 

The omega nodded.

“It’s ugly…”

“It’s not ugly.” Jamal said with conviction “It’s just skin, nobody has perfect skin.” 

“Most people have better skin than me though…” 

“It’s not ugly,” Jamal repeated. 

The omega looked at him again. He had very large, brown eyes and arched eyebrows. Jamal had to admit, the acne was severe, but it didn’t make him any less pretty. 

“I’m Omari.” The omega said. 

“Jamal,” Jamal said, praying to whoever would listen that he wasn’t sweating as much as he thought he was “Ironically enough,” he added with an awkward chuckle. 

“What? What do you mean?”

“Jamal means handsome in Arabic.” He explained “I was adopted, but my white mother, bless her heart, didn’t want to erase my heritage and kept it. If I’m honest I wished she gave me some generic white name like Logan or something.”

“I think it suits you,” Omari said shyly.

Jamal looked away, his face hot. His flirting was one thing, but someone flirting back? That has never happened to him in his life. Suddenly, he had the urge to run away, but his fat ass didn’t stand a chance. 

Before he could come up with something to say, Omari spoke again.

“I think your event is starting.” he pointed to the building. Jamal followed his finger and sure enough, a steady line of pampered omegas and alphas in suits was pouring into the building. 

“Yeah, seems like it.”

“You should go, or you will be late.” 

“Or I could sit here and people-watch with you?” Who was he? Was he actually flirting with an omega he just met randomly out in public? 

“But you paid for it?” 

“Yeah, but it’s pointless.” He waved it off “Omegas are never interested in me anyway. I mean, obviously…”

“Why not? You’re handsome.” Omari said with the same firmness with which Jamal just told him acne didn’t matter. Were they actually flirting or were they just two self-conscious losers trying to make each other feel better? 

“I’m barely 5’10 and 500 lb.” He pointed out, staring at the massive gut hanging between his legs. 

“What does that have to do with you being handsome?”

“I supposed the same thing your acne has to do with you being pretty.” 

Oh, dear Lord, they were both. They were pathetically self-conscious losers who WERE flirting. 

“So,” Jamal said after a moment of awkward silence “Teach me to people-watch.” 

Omari chuckled, breaking the awkward spell. 

Somehow, an hour later, Jamal waddled to his car with an omega’s phone number in his pocket and without even going into the Speed Dating event. 

Could it be, were things finally coming up Jamal?

*

Things were not coming up Jamal. He was trying to find something flattering to wear for his date, but everything he owned made him look like a hog trying to stuff itself into human clothes. When he managed to somewhat contain his enormous belly his love handles would pop out, if he managed to cover them, his ass would stick out ten times more than it usually did. There was a shirt that looked good both around his belly and love handles, it even went well with the only pair of pants that wasn’t obscenely tight around his massive ass, but it, in turn, made his breasts look enormous and showed off his back rolls. 

He gave up with a dramatic sigh, flopping down onto the bed like a beached whale and pulled out his phone. 

“Hello?”

“Hey, it’s Jamal.”

“Are you cancelling the date…?” Omari sounded as if that was exactly what he was expecting.

“What? No, of course not! I was just wondering if maybe instead of a dinner we could go to a movie?”

“Oh yes, please.”

Jamal laughed. 

“You sound relieved.”

“I really don’t like restaurants… Too many lights…”

“I’m not a fan of the dress code myself.”

“A movie sounds perfect.” 

“Alright, I’ll check what’s playing and text you.”

He hung up and couldn’t help a relieved sigh. Sitting in the dark for two hours without Omari getting any chance to look at his huge body? Score. 

*

When they arrived at the cinema, everything seemed perfectly fine. Jamal was hiding in his baggiest clothes and Omari was basically a head of hair without a face. The spirits were high.

“It’s been ages since I’ve seen an Indiana Jones movie,” Omari said. He was almost the same height as Jamal. As if the fact he couldn’t wear anything but a 7XL hoodie didn’t make him self-conscious enough, he also had to find the tallest Omega in America. 

“I don’t even know which one was the previous one” he mused.

The head of hair made a humming sound. 

“I don’t know either.”

Jamal laughed but didn’t manage to reply as they were the next ones up to be served. 

“Hello, two for Indiana Jones, please.”

“I’m sorry” The Beta said and her sour smile told Jamal she was the furthest thing from sorry. “There is a weight limit of 350 lb on the theatre seats.”

Jamal finally understood what it meant when people claimed their souls left their bodies.

“He’s 350 lb,” Omari said firmly. 

The cashier turned her disgustingly fake smile on him. 

“No, he’s not.” She said slowly, her smile turning even more fake. “I’m so sorry!” 

“You could’ve told us sooner, you saw us waiting,” Omari said. “Come on” He grabbed Jamal’s hand and pulled him away. Jamal was thankful because he doubted his body could move out of its own volition. 

As they were passing the queue, he heard snickers and someone shouting “fatass!” very obviously as he passed. He was sure that if his soul left his body already, it would have now left the planet entirely. 

They left the cinema and began walking down the street in silence. They passed a brightly coloured Ice Cream parlour and Jamal stopped, gazing through the glass longingly. 

“Oh, I could do with an ice cream cone, or three.” he let out a sigh “But I shouldn’t.” 

“Neither should I” 

“What? Why?” He asked, looking at Omari’s lean, delicate body. 

“Flares up my acne.”

“Oh.” Jamal looked at the display cases inside for a moment longer “It’s worth it.” He said firmly. 

Omari laughed. He was still holding Jamal’s hand and he now pulled him into the Ice Cream parlour. 

Minutes later they were sitting in a booth waiting, having ordered at the counter. 

“Isn’t the table digging into your belly?” Omari asked, cocking his head. 

Jamal looked away, mortified. 

“Yeah, but I don't think the chairs at the tables are sturdy enough to hold me up.” He admitted. But it was fine, his soul had already left his body a long time ago, and it couldn’t get any more humiliating. 

Omari, for some unfathomable reason, dove under the table. When he emerged Jamal glimpsed one eye and a piece of mouth behind the mass of hair. 

“It’s not bolted down! Just push it, I’m gonna pull it.” 

Jamal wanted to protest, but the truth was, that he could barely breathe. With a nod, he pushed. Omari pulled the table towards himself and soon, although it was still a tight squeeze, Jamal could breathe. 

“Thanks,” He said, meaning it. 

“No problem” Omari’s warm fingers gently touched his. “I’m sorry about the theatre…”

“Nope, I’m repressing that,” Jamal said firmly.

“Alright, I respect that.” Omari nodded.

The waitress arrived, placing two Sundaes on the table. Omari’s was pretty with one blue scoop, one pink and one purple, with a swirl of whipped cream and a blueberry syrup drizzle. 

“Forest fruits?” Jamal guessed.

“Wow, you really know your ice cream!” 

“I really, really do.” He said with an embarrassed chuckle, patting his enormous gut. 

It didn’t escape Jamal’s notice his Sundae was almost twice as large as Omari’s.

“What’s yours?” Omari asked, taking to the tippy-top of the whipped cream swirl with his spoon and popping his into his mouth. It was adorable. 

“Chocolate, salted caramel, hazelnut, cookies and cream, I believe that one is just called “Twix”, we have caramel…”

“You already said caramel.”

“Oh no, no. For you see, this one is salted caramel, this one is unsalted caramel.” 

Omari laughed. 

“There’s peanut butter here, a classic vanilla here…” 

“Peanut butter? I didn’t know they made ice cream like that.” Omari’s eye emerged from behind the hair again to peer at Jamal’s ice cream.

“Have a taste!” He offered immediately, diving expertly in, to scoop a spoonful of the specific flavour. Without thinking he outstretched the spoon to Omari. After a moment’s hesitation, the omega pulled his hair a little to the side to take Jamal’s spoon into his mouth.

“Ooooh!” Omari’s face lit up in excitement. “It’s so good!”

Jamal laughed. “I’m glad I could teach you something useful today.” 

Omari smiled shyly and went to pull his hair over his face. 

“Please don’t.”

One eye peered at Jamal questioningly, hand still poised halfway to his face.

“I’m super flared up right now…” Omari said weakly. It was true, his cheek was dark with inflamed cysts and zits. 

“It’s okay, Omari.” He reached over the table. “Please don’t hide. I want to see your face.”

“But…”

“I want to see my date’s face.” Jamal insisted with a gentle smile, but Omari still looked terrified. “How about this, what if you just uncover your face on this side, facing the wall? Nobody will see except for me.” 

With a tiny sight, Omari pushed his hair back, revealing the right side of his face fully. The acne spread his entire cheek and went up to his temple. It really was bad, he could understand why Omari was self-conscious, but at the same time… He didn’t give a fuck about it. He couldn’t even if he tried. 

Omari peered at him anxiously, as if expecting Jamal would spit in his face. 

“Listen, I know you won’t believe me, but I’m gonna say it anyway. Your acne doesn’t make you any less pretty. Now, eat your ice cream, before it melts.” 

Omari said nothing, just took his spoon back up and scooped another spoonful of whipped cream into his mouth. 

“I went on a Tinder date once” Omari said and Jamal couldn’t understand how someone could look so defeated while eating a gorgeous Sundae. Wow, he really was a fucking fatass, wasn’t he? “He saw my face and literally walked out.” 

“Well, you’re in luck” Jamal said lightly “I’m not walking out of here until this Sundae is completely gone. And I’m pretty sure you’ll have to help me wedge out of this booth anyway. You should’ve gone on a date with a fatass sooner” 

Omari laughed weakly. 

“Hey, Jamal… You don’t have to joke about your body, you know that, right?”

“What?” He asked, unfortunately with a mouthful of chocolate drizzle and whipped cream. 

“You don’t have to justify your existence with humour.”

“That was uncomfortably perceptive.” 

“I told you, I people-watch a lot.”

Jamal said nothing, it was his turn to look defeated while eating ice cream. 

“I think you’re very handsome,” Omari said bluntly, making Jamal almost choke with caramel ice cream. He couldn’t help but vaguely not that it would be his preferred way to die. 

“Can we make a packt?”

“What?” 

“I will accept that I’m handsome if you accept that you’re pretty.” 

Omari stared at him. After a moment, he shrugged philosophically.

“Fine.” He said “We can make it even more interesting. “I will keep my face uncovered if you stop joking about your body.” 

Jamal frowned. That would take away ninety per cent of what he had to say, but if that meant he could see Omari’s face, then he was willing to make the sacrifice. 

“Deal.”

“Deal.” 

*

He was sweaty and stuffed uncomfortably full of ice cream, his enormous thighs were rubbing painfully together which made him waddle even more than usual. But he didn’t care, because Omari was holding his hand as they walked to the parking lot. 

“This is my car,” Omari said, stopping. His face was uncovered and Jamal hungrily took every detail of it in. “I really enjoyed our date.”

“So did I, thank you for coming out with me” Jamal smiled and Omari smiled back. They stood still for a moment. 

“Are you… going to kiss me or should I just get into the car and stop making it weird?” Omari laughed nervously. 

“Oh!” Jamal was startled by the fact that was even an option. The only other two dates he’d ever been on ended exactly like that. With a moment of awkward silence in front of the car and no return phone calls. “I’m sorry, yes, I-I would like that.”

“Well?” Omari laughed again, spreading his arms expectedly. 

“Yes, I’m sorry!” Jamal stepped up to him. He misjudged the distance and bumped Omari with his enormous gut. Omari stumbled back, landing against the driver's side door. Horrified beyond belief, Jamal surged forward to apologise but somehow ended up stumbling and crashing into the omega with his entire bulk.

“Well, that’s now exactly what I meant, but I’ll take it,” Omari said with a cheeky smile. He gently placed his hands on Jamal’s thick love handles. 

Swallowing heavily, he placed one hand on Omari’s neck and the other on the back of his head; not wanting to touch his face and irritate the skin. 

Turning his head slightly and with a shaky breath, he closed the distance between them and kissed Omari’s soft lips. It felt unreal.

When they parted, Omari smiled at him. 

“You taste like ice cream.”

“So do you.” 

They both chuckled, going back in for a second, longer kiss. 

Some minutes later, Jamal waddled back to his car unable to stop the goofy smile from spreading across his face.

Things were finally coming up Jamal. 

[dontbotherwiththepronunciation]

I fantasise about Ramsay's death a lot

I think Ramsay will be killed at some point during ASOIAF but I've been wondering how and what exactly we could get for the narrative of certain characters depending on the different outcomes and I am insomniac so I want to write something more or less useful so I can sleep or at least avoid intrusive thoughts.

So, here is a poll with possible outcomes for Ramsay's death, some of them I've read in meta posts, others are simply stuff I thought could be thematically coherent. Under the read more I added my own preferences because I'm feeling bold. You don't have to read those, but I would love it if you tell me some of yours. And you can tell me all you want about that? Is your answer motivated simply for shipping reasons? Simply for revenge? Do you think it will actually happen? I just like reading other people's thoughts.

My Preferences:

1. Killed off-screen by an unnamed lowborn

My personal favourite. I don't think Ramsay will get an off-screen death scene with an "irrelevant" character and I understand why but until it happens I get to fantasise and while I think for many this would be considered unsatisfying or anti-climactic, to me it would feel thematically coherent and beautiful.

Ramsay Bolton, the living nightmare, a monster from hell, killed by some rando. Someone who wouldn't make it down in history, someone who would be forgotten, someone who would be seen as disposable and irrelevant.

Through this we could have what is, in my opinion, the biggest offence ever directed at Ramsay AND a really sad and harrowing exploration of Theon and Jeyne's feelings on the matter.

Surprisingly, I was never feeling frightened by Euron as I read AFFC, the fear only settled when I read Aeron's preview chapter for TWOW. I was terrified (/pos) how could I not be? The eyes through which I witness all are tainted by terror during that chapter.

With Ramsay the more you think about how our perception of him is one conditioned by Theon's powerlessness, the less mighty he actually becomes. He is not a monster, he is a human like everyone else, he can be killed like everyone else and the concept of knocking him down from this idea he has built around himself, as a creature one should be frightened of, to have him become so irrelevant to the text that we don't even get to witness his death nor know anything about the killer because there is nothing that could be interesting or worthy of mention about that killer is wonderful to me. It makes Ramsay irrelevant and unworthy of mention.

And yet, I also think it would be very tragic for Theon without inflicting any sort of pain on him. Through ADWD he keeps fantasising about killing Ramsay and every single time he keeps himself from actually doing it because at this point Ramsay isn't a person for Theon, he is an omnipotent entity that builds and destroys. So, if he were to find out that Ramsay was easily subdued by someone with no name, no house, no military power, a no one, that could destroy his self esteem. It could lead into even more feelings of guilt and shame while ultimately proving that Ramsay isn't really all that.

I think people (me) often believe in what they like to believe and I would like to believe this is an actual possibility even if the more conscious side of my brain is thinking "Wtf are you on? GRRM is not gonna do that. Do you think he is stupid enough to be this anti-climactic about something everyone is eagerly waiting for since a decade? You think he wants to have people saying show!Ramsay's death was better than book!Ramsay's?" So, yeah I don't believe this will actually happen, I would love it if it did, it would be very meaningful to me, but I have no expectations and I understand how this is probably not something most people would enjoy.

2. Fed to his dogs by Barbrey

All the reasons I want him to be eaten by his gos (listed down in 4.) + my anti-vaxxer, conspiracy theorist, Karen Queen Barbrey Dustin.

I have a horribly unpopular opinion about Ramsay's dogs that would get me cancelled for animal cruelty (/hj) and I have a lot of very personal feelings about this woman.

If she is supposed to be a woman who knows how to nurse a grievance (hot) then why would she be alright with letting the boy she thinks killed her surrogate son become Lord of Winterfell or even King in the North? She openly spits on Ramsay (hot) and even defies him through her conversations with Theon. The idea of her being a conspirator among the Manderlys and the Glovers isn't something I've been bought into yet because I still believe in her distaste for the Starks™ being real (hot), but I can't imagine she would feel any more tranquility at the idea of Ramsay turning into her liege lord, if anything I think she would be terrified because HAVE YOU NOT HEARD OF WHAT HAPPENED TO THE LAST NORTHERN AGEING WIDOW WHO RULED ON HER OWN WITH LANDS TO HER CLAIM AND NO APPARENT HEIRS????

"Me," said Ramsay. "Ramsay of House Bolton, Lord of the Hornwood, heir to the Dreadfort.

To me, that sounds like the vague reminder of a threat.

We have also seen a few moments in which she not only makes her disdain for him public, but also defies him! Prohibiting him from entering into Barrow Hall, treating Theon with something similar to dignity (I know it's only mildly implied but if we ever get confirmation on her being the one who gave him the cloak he wears during A Ghost in Winterfell I will scream and cry ) and she also constantly refers to him as "Bastard" although he has been legitimised)

Also, while I believe she probably knows "Arya Bolton née Stark" is a fake, I doubt she knows it's Jeyne Poole and I also doubt she didn't feel at least some guilt over handing her to Ramsay.

When Jeyne is asking Theon to escape with her she mentions "They said he hurt you." Who said that? Who is they? Could Barb be one of them? Was she warning her? I think it's possible, but I know this is only me assuming things. I have no evidence for anything.

There would also be a lot of irony built around that considering Ramsay's comment on Reek |||:

"If I cut off her teats and feed them to my girls, will she abide me then?"

In a sense I also really love the idea of Ramsay's bones finding themselves in kennels (something Barb is already planning on doing to Ned's (hot)). If both of them find their resting place among the dogs, oh I would feel so much.

Before anyone starts believing I think Ned is as horrible as Ramsay, no I don't. Ned is honourable and just at his best and hypocritical and self-righteous at his worst. Ramsay is himself at his worst and Reek at his best.

The reason I would enjoy this wouldn't be out of thinking that Ned "deserves" that, it would be because Ned and Ramsay are the two people who have hurt this woman the most and also the two people who have deprived Theon of his designated life the most.

3. Public execution by a non-Northerner leader

This is the one I find the most probable to be honest.

Westeros' feudalism seems to be better for the common folk after the Targaryen conquest than they were prior to it. I really doubt GRRM will be willing to dissolve them and send them even further back into an even more inequalitarian feudalism. By having an outsider bring the Northerners their "justice" it would be easier to get them to wilfully decide to reintegrate themselves into the Seven Kingdoms, which is where the Davos-Rickon-Stannis plot will apparently go.

Stannis is already waiting for the battle of Winterfell and I have no idea whether he will win or not, but I think as of now killing the bastard is on his priority list. There is a possibility that he might not kill him immediately but just keeps him captive, and that could be very very fun. While I wouldn't want Theon & Ramsay to have to interact again, I understand how appealing this could be for so many of us. I don't really have anything against this, I just like the other two options mentioned above more.

Asha would be the only case I can think of in this option that could be motivated by more than political plotting or a sense of justice, but also because of personal feelings regarding Theon's trauma. If it were to happen, I doubt it would be a proper execution though, I can see this happening more on the battlefield. I think there could be some beauty in Ramsay "I-rape-girls-for-fun" Snow to find his demise at Asha and her suckling babe, a warrior woman who is also the sister of the man he has been humiliating (to say the least) for the past year. There could be some poetic justice in that. Politically it could also be fun to see the Northerners being confronted by having the Ironborn retaking Winterfell for them and the way their perception of the Iron Islanders could change because of it could be fun and maybe serve as a mirror to the way Asha & Aly have been developing mutual respect for each other. Anyway, here you can find art depicting her & Ramsay as David & Goliath and I love it.

Thematically I would love it if Daenerys would somehow manage to teleport to Winterfell and kill him and be confronted by two uncommon characters that share some similitudes to her past as a child of war & child bride and her actual cause (you can read about those similitudes in this post and this post), but I'm not delusional and I doubt Daenerys will reach the North before Ramsay has been killed so I don't believe it's very probable for them to meet. This is just me being self-indulgent because of the childish wish of wanting my favourite POV characters to interact.

4. Eaten by his dogs our of their own will

As said, I have that one opinion about his dogs and this could go well with it. A taste of his own medicine. Revenge from the deceased. Dog eats dog. Poetic in a sense; The spirits of the women he has raped and hunted and made to be reborn in the bodies of the weapons used against them to take part in the process of making other innocent women join them, finally break free and take revenge against their murderer.

Pretty much the same reasons as to why I like Barbrey feeding him to his dogs, but now there is something more mystique about it. Theon often refers to them as good dogs and it seems like their kennel master Ben Bones also feels fondness for them. Both of them consider the master to be the true monster there, and yet these are still no gentle creatures.

5. Killed by Theon

I feel very ambivalent on this one and most of my reluctance comes from not trusting GRRM's writing abilities to depict it in a way that I find compelling. I love revenge stories, but I rarely like their endings. I love revenge stories, I just rarely like the way they end. "When you go on a journey for revenge you dig two graves instead of one" Sometimes. Sometimes you also dig just one grave but have to spend the rest of your day laying next to the corpse of your never-ending anger and rage. I don't enjoy it a lot when achieving justice or revenge is portrayed in a purely happy light. It doesn't erase everything that has ever happened, it makes you feel unhappy because you know that no suffering inflicted on your abuser could possibly be enough to fulfil the void inside you. It isn't something, it is devastating. Good, now Theon killed him, he is gone, he will never hurt him again, now what? Now what? Is that supposed to be liberating? He is still perpetually changed and now he doesn't even have a target for all that pent-up rage and frustration to be directed at and (Can you tell I'm part of the minority that liked TLOU2 even more than TLOU? ), to me, the concept of adding Ramsay to the long lists of ghosts haunting Theon feels so harsh. I could enjoy it a lot!!! It's just that I doubt it would be written that way and the options mentioned above are more to my taste. I think that if Theon is the one that gets to kill Ramsay it will probably be portrayed in a more triumphant manner, maybe trying to convey Theon's complete rebirth and the deaths of Reek the Second (Ramsay) and Reek the Third (Theon at the Dreadfort) and, even though "Dead is dead. Better dead than Reek" is one of my favourite Theon moments ever, I don't really believe he should completely cast it aside.

"Reek, reek it rhymes with freak/weak/meek/etc." Sure! But also, were it not for Reek he'd probably not be alive. I don't know. I don't like the idea of him reappropriating that name like a minority would reappropriate a slur, but I don't think he should fully reject it either. In a sense, I believe the Reek persona allowed him to find some strange type of mental freedom in regards to "Theon" as a political pawn. Many of the conflicts he had to deal with during ACOK involving his cultural duality and his political standing disappear once he is conditioned into Reek (granted not in a healthy way) and I think that allowed him to develop into his own self more. I don't know If what I'm saying makes any sense. Not a favourite, but still something I could like. Personally, I would like it more if their last conversation was something completely mundane since I think that is very insulting to Ramsay, but it could be cool to have a final scene of them interacting in which Theon openly defies him and Ramsay is perplexed by realising he has been beaten by a creature "lower than a worm in human skin." Ramsay probably hasn't read his Shakespeare, GRRM has. Even a worm will turn.

Here, is the idea someone wrote for a scene emulating the confrontation between a slasher and the final girl and it was fun to read it.

6. Killed by Theon & Jeyne

I dislike it for similar reasons as to why I dislike Theon killing him, and I really don't like the idea of Jeyne being part of it, but I think there would be a lot of value in abuse victims coming together against their abuser and perhaps it would make their bond even stronger which would always be a perk to me because they are the relationship I care about the most in here and I just want them to be a supportive presence in each other's life. As said, I just like the idea of Theon/Jeyne never having to see Ramsay again. I think that is a slight to Ramsay.

7. Public execution by a Stark or a Stark loyalist

Depending on the Starkling doing the execution we could get a glimpse of affection for Theon and Jeyne, which I wouldn't like. Mostly because of personal issues with how the "friendships" between Theon-Jeyne and their respective Stark BFFs are something I interpret very differently to the fandom's common perception.

I also really want Theon to liberate himself from the "The Starks™ were your true family" motto, and the narrative portraying them through a purely heroic and victorious light would annoy me (I like all of the Stark kids as individuals, I just don't like the Starks™). Especially in Ramsay's case, I think it could easily be interpreted as the Starks™ being Theon & Jeyne's saviours.

I do understand how Ramsay, as part of House Bolton and the current Lord of Winterfell, isn't a villain designated to be solely attached to Theon & Jeyne. Politically he and Roose are the Starks' biggest opponents and threats, so I would understand it if GRRM still chooses to take this route (preferably through Jon or Arya) and could hopefully still find some enjoyment in it.

Something I think could be interesting but, similarly to the Daenerys example, is very far-fetched from actually happening, is if one of Lady Stoneheart's companions would be the one. Maybe Harwin. It could mix well with my favourite possibility.

8. Killed by supernatural force

My personal exception would maybe be one involving Bran. Out of the Starks and semi-Starks (Catelyn, Jon), his and Theon's relationship is the one I find the most interesting and it could be very emotional to see this little boy who was a victim of Theon's actions during ACOK be the one to smite Theon's tormentor. Years ago I saw this art depicting Bran and the Children of the forest warging into Ramsay's dogs and killing him while defending Theon & Jeyne and I still like the idea. The only real thing that would bother me in Ramsay dying at the hands of a supernatural force is that it acts as an opposite to my favourite option. If he is killed by someone inhumanely powerful, what does that say about him and his strength? Does that mean Theon's view of him as an all-seeing, all-hearing, all-knowing entity is not based on his own fear? Is Ramsay really such a monster he can only be brought down by another monster?

9. Killed by Jeyne

This one seems to be a fairly popular option, especially loved by Sansa fans and I understand why. There is a surprisingly big amour of art and memes and I can see the appeal but to me, it would feel very tragic which is why I like it the least. Jeyne is a character who has suffered so much while having very little involvement in the events that lead to that suffering. We only have limited information on Jeyne as a person and her role in the narrative is that of a vessel for other people's feelings (which is alright, we need secondary characters) and considering how she has been canonically appalled and repulsed by violence even before she was subjected to horrible acts of violence (being frantic about the Hound killing Mycah, having a meltdown at the tourney, being extremely distressed by the massacre at King's Landing), it would be very sad to witness her becoming a perpetrator of violence even if it would be justified. To me, it would feel like she has lost another part of herself to the trauma inflicted upon her by Ramsay. She has bled too much, I don't want her to have to stain herself in other's blood either.

I have come across other theories, but those are the ones (that I can group) that feel the most plausible to me. Roose or Mance killing Ramsay still deserve mentions of honour, but I don't have too many feelings about those. With Mance it could help bring Wildling and Northerners together and if it were Roose that would probably mean that Walda is withchild and that the Northern plot line might take longer than we all thought it would.

I don't fully oppose any of these options though! And I think there could be narrative value to all of them. As said, these are just personal opinions.

Anyway, I'm gonna go listen to Bob Dylan's Masters of War and mentally envision an amv feat. Theon and Catelyn.

[five-bi-five-mind]

hii, what about a jj x tall plus size reader, and the reader is insecure about the size difference between them? im plus sized and tall myself and i rarely see any plus sized reader x jj fics

Self-Conscious

Fandom: Criminal Minds

Pairing: JJ x fem!plus-size!Reader

Genre: Fluff and Smut

Words: 1.7k+

Summary: Sometimes you let yourself get too wrapped up in your own mind, comparing yourself to your girlfriend. But JJ is there to remind you of exactly how she sees you.

Warnings: Lots of talk about anxiety and insecurity; good ol' fluffy smut, oral (r receiving), very brief barely there hint of fatphobia in past relationships

A/N: Hi anon! Sorry for your wait! Hope you like this fluffy little fic. Also I didn't really talk much about height, that's my bad.

“You’re not gonna break me, darling,” JJ chuckles softly. 

She’s looking up at you from where she lay beneath you, her eyes filled with nothing but utter admiration and a soft smile spread across her face as her hands rest on the tops of your thighs. You, on the other hand, are straddling her waist and struggling with all your might to keep yourself from pressing your body fully down onto hers. It’s been a minute since you’ve been in this position and you can feel your legs starting to strain and shake from the position you’re in, currently hovering over her and only balancing yourself on your legs. You were self conscious enough to be in just a shirt and underwear in front of her, but to be fully on top of her too was becoming too much for your nerves. 

“But I-” Before you could even finish that protest, in one swift move, JJ sits up and pushes your thighs down so that your entire body is pressed to hers. 

“I told you, it’s okay princess.” Her hands move from the top of your thighs to grab at your waist and she’s slowly trying to urge you to start to move your hips. You’re still hesitant as you look down from where your body is now flush with hers and back up to meet her eyes. She’s just looking back at you with eyes filled with lust and just seeing that look is giving you a huge burst of confidence you didn’t expect. 

See, the thing is, you two haven’t been together for very long. You started dating her maybe two months ago, and even then you haven’t spent a lot of time being physical. There was only one reason for that and it was your insecurities getting in the way. JJ, being the wonderful amazing woman that she was, was nothing but understanding and reassuring. She never pushed you, never made you feel like you had a reason to be self conscious. In fact, she treated you like you were the most beautiful thing she’d ever seen and, honestly, the more you were with her the more you felt your insecurities slowly start to melt away. But slowly is the key word here.

You still were incredibly aware of your differences. She was tall, blonde, and toned with muscles for days. You were the exact opposite of all of that. Yet, whenever you even hinted at thinking she was out of your league, JJ would stop you right then and there and go on tangents about how perfect she thought you were. It took everything in you not to outwardly cringe as she went on and on about it. Not that you hated hearing it, just that you weren’t used to it and didn’t know how to react. Loving JJ, you quickly realized, also meant you needed to learn to love yourself. 

“Hey,” JJ’s hand reached up to tuck a strand of your hair behind your ear. “What’s going on in that brain of yours?” 

You shook your head and gave her a forced smile, feeling guilty that you got distracted with your own self consciousness when you were currently sitting on top of the most beautiful girl you’ve ever seen. 

“Nothing important,” you offered, hoping she wouldn’t press.

“It’s not nothing,” JJ gave you a knowing look. Of course, it’s JJ. She always pressed.

You sighed and shook your head, leaning in for a kiss in hopes that it would distract her. Before you could, she leaned back and completely dodged your lips, reaching up to grab your chin to stop you from trying again. 

“Please, (Y/N)?” 

You huffed and knew you weren’t getting away from this one. 

“It’s just…” you took a deep breath, trying to find the right words. “I get a little wrapped up in my own head sometimes. I get worried…”

“Worried about what?” 

“I don’t know,” you tried to look away from JJ, but when you started to move your head down, the grip she had on your chin tightened. 

“Why are you worried?” JJ repeated. Her tone wasn’t harsh, she wasn’t frustrated. She continued to have a softness to her questions and a look of only concern. 

“That you won’t like my body. That maybe you’ll realize I’m not as beautiful as you say I-“ 

“No.” JJ cut you off short. 

“But what if-“

“No.” JJ repeated even firmer, her hand squeezing your chin tighter for emphasis. “You’re beautiful, you’re perfect, you’re everything I could ever want. I know you don’t see yourself the way I do and it kills me to see you cut yourself down all the time.” 

Suddenly JJ released your chin, only to push you off her lap and straight onto the bed in one swift move. In the blink of an eye, she was hovering over you, pushing your shirt up and off of you before you could protest. 

“I know it takes time,” she murmured as she began to kiss down from your neck to your chest. “I know that people before me made you feel terrible about your body.” She continued to kiss down your body, past your chest and onto your stomach. You couldn’t help but turn to hide your face in the pillow as you felt her lips continue their trail down.

“I wish I could convince you that they were wrong, that how you see yourself is wrong.” JJ was now kissing right above the elastic of your underwear and you couldn’t stop the shiver that ran through your body when you felt her fingers graze between your legs. “You’re gorgeous and I’ll never stop reminding you of that.” 

With that, you felt her yank your underwear down and pull it off your body. You still couldn’t bear to look down at her, you felt so vulnerable and exposed. It didn’t help that she was pushing your legs apart and grazing her lips up and down both your thighs. Yet, as nervous as you were, you couldn’t bring yourself to stop her. You didn’t want her to stop. 

When you felt her tongue run up your slit, your brain practically short circuited. You let out a low whine that was muffled by your hands still covering your face. Her hands were squeezing your thighs, forcing them to stay spread open for her. Any other time you’d be consumed by your own inner critic for the way you looked when someone touched you like this, but it’s JJ. All she’s said tonight and every other night you’ve spent as her girlfriend has made you more comfortable with your own body than you’ve ever been. 

You felt JJ’s tongue circle your clit before she started to lap at it with her tongue. It took everything in you not to continuously moan her name at how good it felt. Yet, you still kept your face hidden, too nervous to look down and see the mess of blonde hair you knew was waiting for you between your thighs. What you couldn’t help, though, was the buck of your hips when her lips wrapped around your clit. You tried with all of your might to keep your reactions contained, but it was starting to get difficult. JJ was really fucking good at what she was doing. 

“Hey,” JJ whispered in between your legs. “Don’t hide from me or I’ll stop.” 

It only took you a second to contemplate what she was demanding of you. Hesitantly, you dropped your hands from your face and looked down at the blonde. The sight of her between your legs, eyes looking up at you with pure hunger, made your heart stop for a moment. Without much thought, you let your hand drift down to her head, running your fingers through her hair for a brief moment only to squeeze your hand into a fist the moment she dove back in. 

That only spurred her on more. Her hands moved to the backs of your thighs as her tongue went back to hungrily lapping at your clit. You couldn’t hold yourself back anymore, moaning and gasping periodically. The hands on your thighs encouraged you to move your hips and grind against her mouth and you completely gave into the feeling. When her tongue dipped down and slid inside you, any ounce of restraint was completely gone and you let out a moan that you were only slightly worried the neighbors would hear. 

You couldn’t stop your thighs from shaking and your hips began to grind faster against JJ’s mouth. She could tell that you were close, you just needed a little more. Her tongue returned to your clit as she moved her hand to slide two fingers inside of you, setting a pace to match the rhythm of her mouth. It only took a few pumps of her fingers, curved to hit at just the right spot before you were pulling at her hair and begging her not to stop. Your back arched when she added a third finger, feeling completely stretched out by her, but you adjusted fast. It took two… three hard pumps of her fingers and suddenly you found yourself coming all over them, groaning her name as you did. 

JJ gave you a moment to come down from your orgasm before slowly sliding her fingers out of you. You watched with hooded eyes as she licked them clean before crawling back up your body. 

“You look so beautiful when you cum for me,” JJ whispered before kissing your lips. Tasting yourself on her tongue made you dizzy. She pulled back to look at you, her hands roaming all over your body as she did. 

“You’re so beautiful like this, baby,” JJ repeated. You were naked, panting still from the intensity of the orgasm she just gave you, an utter mess for her. Your usual response would be to disagree, but with the way JJ was looking at you, the way she had made you feel all night, all you could manage to do was continue to melt into her touch. 

JJ continued to spend the rest of that night telling you just how perfect she thought you were in between each kiss and each time she touched you. By the end of the night, you both fell asleep naked and entangled in each other's arms. You knew that loving JJ meant you were learning to love yourself and every moment with her made it that much easier.

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