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jockpoetry · 3 years

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supernatural sees women as a tool for development and strengthening of narratives/motivation and dean sees his body as a tool. is that anything?

When I saw this ask I really made the 🥴in real life. So, yeah anon, I do think there’s something to this.

Quick Disclaimer before I actually launch into my thoughts™: A lot of my read of Dean stems from my experience as both an oldest daughter and a transman. Being the oldest daughter was an experience I lived for many years, but I am also a man. I wasn’t raised as a man, I wasn’t socialized as a man, and even though once I came out upon reflection my masculinity was obviously there. Like I was a man™ before I knew I was a man. Even when I actively tied my identity to femininity for a long time! A lot of my prideful moments were based around statements like: “I was the only girl who (fill in the blank).”

So I am just putting that out there before I launch into my spiel about Dean/Gender/Tool because they all interlock for me.

I am also going to apologize in advance because I know this has fully gone off the rails and I’m not even done writing it yet. If this is incomprehensible ! Well, happens to the best of us.

First off, most importantly I guess before we discuss womanhood and Dean and the way both are utilized on the show I need to say that I personally don’t subscribe the whole Dean is female coded thing.

It’s a read I can absolutely understand. But for me..he’s not.

He’s a hypermasculine man to the point that when (and because he is written as a punchline, as the stupid™ brother, as the whore™, as the mother/father™, as daddy’s blunt instrument™, etc) Dean deviates from the pre-accepted definition of hypermasculine it’s Wrong.

It’s Instantly Feminine.

I think the internet has made the world very black and white, or blue and pink maybe. This point, I think, colors a lot of these discussions. Dean cooks, he cleans and so therefor he’s female coded. When that really just feeds back into the whole toxic masculinity loop. You can’t be masculine and cook and clean and cry. That’s for feminine people only.

I get the argument! I do, I just think that Dean’s actions are not inherently feminine, it’s just in the vacuum of Female and in the Absence of Traditional Masculinity it makes sense to assign him female coded and move on.

IN FACT the way that Dean is the action hero of the show, the Masculine™ one on the show - but he cries, and he rages, and he cooks (Again and Again) and cleans (Again and Again). The fact he’s macho and confident but he has so little self esteem. Is frankly insane to me. You have this blaze of glory character who is so depressed that they have him kill himself. Twice. In explicitly “I hate myself, I hate hearing all the things I hate about myself, I want to destroy myself” ways.

On just a regular ol’ network show that is just ungodly bad at times. They let their Male Hero cry - all the time (if I linked every example of this the essay would be...longer than it already is, but just take my word for it). Dean tears up and grieves and shows more than just Angry Horny Violent™ (he shows plenty of that, don’t get me wrong) but he’s Emotional (Again and Again and Again). In many different ways!

I mean, beyond even just tearing up, they make their Male Hero™ face sexual violence in pretty, uniquely horrifying - and queer! - ways.

Let’s make it clear, they did a lot of this unintentionally.

Or they do it as a joke.

Off of dean for a moment to say women are plot devices in this show. I could probably count on one hand female characters who have sincere depth to them that have roles outside of progressing plot, filling a filler episode, and who are still alive. Like even characters such as Charlie who are wholly developed, and interesting, are only remembered/mentioned/utilized to progress plots or fill an episode out - and then she dies. For pain™ for plot™ for no other reason than to traumatize a character.

Which let’s also make it clear Dean’s trauma is also only used as a plot device (as is Sam’s but in a different way, and Cas’ trauma is a whole other barrel of fish we’re not gonna dive into right now). Like wholesale full stop they don’t actually care about what happened to him. Unless it’s relevant in an episode.

Oh that boys home he was left at when he was 16 for months? Sure we’ll sprinkle that in in the back half of the series. Oh he was covered in bruises and said it was from a hunt (when it’s clear contextually they were from his father but saying the fantastical but true is easier than saying the uncomfortable but true). As Dean says though the story became the story, he was sixteen. He just went along with what John said.

We only see Dean ever truly rage at John, by the way, when either Dean is dead (when he’s between life and death and he rages at John, right before John “apologizes” for traumatizing him, for putting too much on Dean’s shoulders, and fucking dying) or John is dead (the Djinn episode where Dean is straight™ and John is dead™ and he goes to his grave and just yells and rages like he should have to his father in the real world).

Dean’s trauma from being both tortured and torturer in hell? Yeah, we don’t talk about that after it’s Relevant™. Even though it’s clear - especially in the demon!dean, mark of cain era, all those years later - Alastair still has his hooks inside of Dean. I stopped watching originally after s8 ended. I was fed up with the show, and with this whole renaissance I’ve been doing a rewatch and I’m into season twelve now and it really has never come up again.

Even when he had the mark of cain and he was tasked with questioning and accused of torturing it was “the mark has changed you” and not “you were victim and victimizer in hell for forty years, which is longer than you’ve been alive on earth” (and, was about as long as he wound up living. Which is desperately sad.

Because we talk about Sam’s desire for a “normal” life but, Dean wanted out too. He was tired in the first few seasons of this show, he never had a chance to taste freedom (we don’t count the boys home, because that was a different kind of regimented life, and it was a false freedom) the way that Sam did in Flagstaff with Bones or at Stanford with Jessica. Love for Dean is sacrificing, it’s putting himself/his happiness/his well-being last.

Because Dean only knows love in the context of violence (like all of these fun examples, for starters) is a phrase that I’ve said a lot both in private chats and on here, and I absolutely think it goes to him being a tool (a blunt instrument, a plot device, so both textually and metatextually) instead of a person. Which Cas sees Dean’s shame/guilt and sees that side of Dean because he touched his soul, and saw more than just the Righteous™ man, more than just the tool, he saw A good man, not a machine.

On the other side though you have how “bad guys” view Dean: Desperate, Sloppy, Needy, Dean’s hole (Again), which is again so wildly counterintuitive to the story of a Macho Man Hero™. You’re using vocabulary that is both queering him and feminizing (and I know this a meme format, but sincerely it is done in a derogatory way it is feminizing. It’s breaking him down to bare parts, to a sloppy hole).

My whole rewatch I have been absolutely fascinated by how identity and free will is utilized/conceptualized on this show. Castiel has been my main focus, but Dean and how he is framed by himself and others is...fascinating - and frustrating. The writers inconsistency lends itself not only to this unintentionally queer character, but also one that again is incredibly easily read as a non-traditionally masculine character.

As a feminine character.

This show has so few female characters that of course it had to foist the roles/behaviors/plots that a female character might have onto a male character. Which I think is part of why reading Dean as trans (either transmasc, or transfemme) is so easily done like.

Half of these are shit posts, but you can find trans allegories/textual evidence in this show again, again, again, again, and again. And this is unintentional, they don’t want you to look at Dean and see woman, former future or present. Like a lot of these I’m sure are punchlines for them, because women/queer folk are punchlines to them.

Sometimes the only women in an episode are random witnesses who get two sentences of dialogue, and then the main guest character is a man. Who flirts with Dean, and Dean is receptive to it.

They paint themselves into a corner, there are female Rabbi. So easily could Aaron have been a woman instead of a man, but they made the choice to play up the HaHa Dean & Men card.

Because, again, Dean has filled the slot of Woman™ of Female Lead™ and the flirting would’ve been straight if Dean was a woman. It’s a plot device, they needed to have the guest character be disarming, be cute, make the main character flustered.

It’s just the main character is a man, because they’re allergic to women. But they still need those female plots, tools of femininity, to move their show forward. I mean I am a big subscriber to transmasc Jo (no idea if anyone else is with me on this one, but let me explain). Jo is in love with Dean (concept) not Dean (actuality). Which, we’ve all had our eggs cracked by someone like that. We were in love with them until we realized we just wanted to be them.

He loved her like a little sister, she loved him like a lost idol. He’s a golden calf and she dies for him, because she believed in him, she was the original character dashed at the altar of the Winchesters.

I fully believe if she had lived and if this show had a crumb of actual good writing Jo could have been a deeply compelling transmasc character. But I also think she’s a fascinating inversion of Dean. Dean is a Masculine Character who subverts Toxic Masculinity, Jo is a Tomboy™ she’s not your (if you take it straight, literally and metaphorically) average female love interest. She’s angry, she’s not soft at all, all edges and corners and thorns. She isn’t helpless, she’s stubborn but not in a “you’re going to get punished for this” way. She’s right when she’s stubborn. She’s helpful, she’s a martyr.

I could do a whole other essay just on Jo (and Ellen, and Ash, what a fucking trio!) but needless to say Jo was one of the first...plot device feminine tools sacrificed to this show. She was a regular, she was unique, she was an engaging character, and she still died (to progress the plot? no. for man pain? yeah, for like three episodes maybe, and then it’s forgotten just like the rest of Dean’s trauma, as we mentioned above).

Dean and Women and Love is a very interesting tool used too because. Boy they sure try to make Dean love women and it fails in small ways, and in big, meaningless, failed het domesticity (again) ways. Not to mention whatever Lust (in the form of a woman) having no effect upon him, when they could have used that moment to assert his Masculinity and Heterosexuality. He behaved normally? And...also...whatever the fuck the Adios thing was!

Like they have these opportunities to make him Traditionally (toxically) Masculine, but make the choice to...not? To soften him. Because it’s a tool. He’s their female lead, textually he had to take on the role of mother(/father) to Sam, but...I mean this is a million miles long already. I know, but we absolutely can’t not talk about his Paternal/Maternal behaviors. (Which appear again and again again and again, outside of his relationship with Sam even/especially). He’s the mother hen, sage, safety net, beacon, home to so many side characters they meet.

I mean in many ways Jody is also a Dean comparison. Lost her family. Found a new family. She is non-traditionally feminine, but easily flustered and Silly™ (let’s just drop the entire sex talk over family dinner scene with Alex and the boys and looking to them for help, even though she was already a mother, and she’s a cop, and a hunter and this confident no nonsense individual.... She’s not). We are meant to see her as this hard ass, but she makes extra food for the boys to take back to the bunker. She’s deadly in a fight, but also still easily overwhelmed and put into damsel mode, and she cares so much even in the face of adversity.

It’s also fun to see how Jo | Jody are reflections of Dean at different points of his life. Younger, cocky | Older, settled.

Even when the text tries to tell us that he’s not.

When it reminds us that he’s violent. That he is his father, even if he says that Sam is more like John (which was reflexive, which was angry because of Adam and how Sam was behaving like Dean in that episode, and yes there are parallels to be drawn between Sam and John, the show barely dives into them). Instead we’re told that Dean is John (Again and Again and Again and Again).

So intensely that a fanfictionalized version of the Winchester Gospels makes it an entire fucking musical number.

And yet, despite the texts insistence to make Dean Macho Man Father Reborn™ We get this Dean who is silly (and directly compared/contrasted to the female character in this scene), soft, in heels, nagging, and... Sully (you know Sam’s imaginary friend who has the same Haircut Dean has, who is a softer, shorter, friendlier, campier, version of Dean who was a replacement For Dean until the real one let Sam back in? That? Sully?) it’s hard to take them seriously.

Hell, even when he was A DEMON? What did they do? They had him sing off-key drunken karaoke, they had him doing this ! Like that’s your hero, unhinged, free to be as bad as he could be, and you put him in a cowboy hat in a romance with the king of hell.

The Female Lead, everyone. Who’s biggest betrayal(s) comes at the hands of his love interest (again, a man even though it was an angel who could’ve taken any vessel! who could’ve been recast, who canonically dies admitting his love to Dean - that one), who he tries so hard to be loyal to.

The contradictions of his character are laughable. He is so emotional, but if he is engaged about his emotions? He shuts down, or he’s exasperated about being asked about them. It really is Female Lead/Only Here For The Plot disease, because everything is more important than him. How’s he doing? Doesn’t matter outside of the context of how x character is doing or that y character is dead. Or his emotions only matter if they’re done in penance.

They also really do frame him as Pretty Boy™ in a violent way, or in a derogatory manner. They’ll give us homoerotic shots like this or these and never really acknowledge how these are gay shots. Sorry the gun scene is a a straight up sex scene, the beer sip spilling out over his mouth is oral, the scene where Cas fills up Dean’s glass with whisky is also a sex scene, they do this shit on purpose but accidentally queer it up. If Dean was a woman these scenes wouldn’t even matter. They’d be passing moments, but because he is not just a man but A Man™ they’re insane to see.

Not to mention all of these scenes and all the ones I haven’t linked where Dean dresses up. He performs masculinity, but he performs femininity too. He’s a plot device that is slotted in to whatever role they need. He’s Super Straight Butch Man™ but coaches the lesbian on how to successfully flirt with a man. He’s Action Hero™ who sits through a montage with the same lesbian and yays and nays her outfits, and enjoys himself.

Fuck he loves dressing up, he feels better in these costumes because performing a character is easier than being himself. Because who is Dean? He’s a tool, both textually and metatextually. It is exactly how the women and because of the women on the show that Dean is the way that he is. If there was a more steady female presence Dean would not be half as much of a plot device or half as camp/gay/feminine/non-traditionally masculine/queer coded as he is.

In conclusion....

#dean winchester #supernatural #spn meta #spn #gender #anon #replies #messages #my writing #ANYWAYS PHEW okay anon i don't know if i even fully got to your point but i woke up at like 3:30 to this ask and i've been fixated on it #HOPE THIS IS EVEN JUST a little bit coherent #the way i meant for this to talk so much more about transness and eldest daughter syndrome and just FORGOT #oops #oh well

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gale-gentlepenguin · 3 years

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ML Analysis: The Miraculous. Marvelous or Ridiculous.

So I have been asked to make an analysis on the well known Magical Jewelry of the show. The miraculous. (No I will not be talking about the Shanghai special magical gems, I won't even be mentioning anything revealed after the NY special. This is solely knowledge on season 3 and prior.)

This will be a VERY long post in which I will be discussing the merits and demerits of the magical items in question.

Now for this analysis I will be doing my best to solely focus on the miraculous themselves, this is not an analysis on the Guardians or other miraculous holders. This is about the magical gems. I will be giving some background information on certain things. But I am going to focus on the miraculous.

I think in order to organize this post I will be splitting it up as follows.

A Miraculous Lore

Kwami: Personal Pals or Pain in the Butt

Potential and Drawbacks

Power Balance: The delicate dance

Final thoughts

So lets get to it

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A Miraculous Lore

To briefly explain, the 'Miraculous' are magical jewelry created by a powerful mage which allows the powers of Kwami to be harnessed and controlled by anyone who wields it and uses it to transform.

Now when it comes to magical items, its important that these items have sort of connection to the fictional world they are in. This connection acts as a means of world building. Now there are 3 main factors to keep in mind when connecting the mystical item of power to the world itself, the history, mystery, and Impact on the present. In this section I will be talking about how the miraculous are addressed in the series, from their historical significance as well as their mysterious powers that are yet to be truly revealed.

Now history is the talk of the events of the past, and in the world of miraculous ladybug, the miraculous have a rather interesting connection to world events. In the show, we learn that the miraculous were active in ancient china, in Egypt, in greek mythology (which makes the greek myths more of history) and even events as recent as the American revolution were impacted by the miraculous. Now these reveals are information provided in the show itself, there are also confirmations from the writers regarding other points in history where the miraculous were active, such as when Joan of Arc was fighting in the 100 year war. Now this aspect works well with the second trait of world building, mystery, but it also leaves a lot of gaps for the viewer, which is where the next part of the history connection comes in, the order of the guardians. The guardians of the miraculous work as the connecting point, giving the viewer the explanation on how the miraculous became a part of human history. The guardians connection lays the ground work for the miraculous lore as it allows us to understand that an ancient order dedicated to protecting the miraculous knew when to step in and help history along. Overall, the aspect of history when connected to the miraculous seems to work well for the world building, at least so long as we focus on the miraculous themselves.

The mystery is the aspect of the unknown. What exactly are the secrets hidden about the miraculous. Now the part of the mystery is that the purpose of the miraculous and how the link between the god like beings that the Kwami are is still left up in the air. With the comics, we know that the Kwami are each based on an abstract concept like Creation, destruction and so on. We also find out that a wizard made the miraculous... for some reason. The mystery of the miraculous allows for rapid progress and power ups in the story. In the beginning we knew very little of the limitations and potential the miraculous had. We knew, Ladybug and Chat noir had 5 minutes after using their unique power and that the bad man wanted their miraculous for evil. As the mystery unveils, we find out that there are more miraculous, and that using certain miraculous together can allow for god-like power. We also learned about potions, techniques, and other such things that make the miraculous more enigmatic. What is the full potential of the miraculous? What more is there to this mystery? The miraculous brings the more interesting parts of ML to light because we as the viewer are invested in what more these jewelry sets can do.

The impact on the present. As the show's plot revolves around the two heroes that utilize the miraculous, it is easy to see how the miraculous are very crucial to the plot. The main villain wants the magical items because he wants to make his wish, the heroes need the power to fend off his villains that he creates and eventually take the miraculous back from him. Meanwhile the order that protected the miraculous are once again active thanks to Ladybug and Chat noir purifying the akumatized Sentimonster Feast (which had massive impact on the progression of story ).

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Kwami: Personal Pals or Pain in the Butt

Kwamis, best described as divine, spirit-like beings who embody "abstract" concepts. They give certain powers to people with Miraculouses, transforming them into animal-themed super beings. Kwami are the beings that make the Miraculous, well miraculous.

The Kwami have a rather fascinating role in the story as they act as they add character to this relatively cool jewelry piece. It isn't just a magical item, the Kwami are companions to their wielders and need to be judged as such. Now these beings are crucial because they play multiple roles in the show. For this part of the analysis, I will be focusing mainly on the Kwami that have had the most screen time, mainly Tikki, Plagg, Wayzz and Nooru. The other Kwami, while having personalities, do not have permanent owners or have not been out long enough to establish themselves. Now these four Kwami are important because they can be examined if they follow the indicators of a companion or specifically fit the trope known as Mentor Mascot. For this I have created 2 criteria Distinct criteria that these Kwami must meet in order to be considered good companions. These criteria are Cute Confidant and Wiser Advisor.

The Cute Confidant is an aspect that addresses two key components in the mentor mascot companion field. The first is obviously, cuteness. The Kwami must be cute, small and have tiny habits that make you want a plushy of them. In this regard, all of the Kwami pass the test because all of them are tiny and have little habits that make them adorable to the viewer. From Wayzz and his little Match box bed, to Plagg's chaotic cat tendencies, to Tikki's cute little assistant routine, and even Nooru's tiny bits of exposition and concern. The kwami capture cuteness. The second component to this is the Confidant portion. The Kwami must be entities that the wielder wants to tell things to, things that they would not tell anyone else. In short, the Kwami need to be beings that the user can trust whole heartedly. Now Tikki and Wayzz have both shown to be the most obedient confidants in this regard. Both have the best experience keeping secrets and their users trust them completely. Plagg is a bit more chaotic and it is true that Adrien does tell him everything and that he would never spill that info, Plagg has gone behind Adrien's back more times then any of the other swami (like in Sand boy, and in Kwamibuster). Though while not trust breaking, Plagg has caused his partner a bit of trouble (which actually makes him a better mascot, but less a mentor). Nooru is sort of forced to obey Gabriel so while not a willing confidant, he does listen to him monologue a LOT. In short, the Kwami do make for Cute Confidants.

The Wiser Advisor aspect comes into play in one very simple way. How do the Kwami help their wielders outside of their powers. The Advising role of the mascot mentor is truly important as with nearly every single magical girl/ superhero show, the character has an identity to keep secret and sometimes the only one that can be talked to when there is a problem is their mascot mentor. In this department, Tikki is technically the best advice giver as Marinette is suppose to learn the most lessons due to her being the main character, but I think Plagg better exemplifies the personal aspect of the wiser advisor role. Plagg goes out of his way to try and do what he thinks is best for Adrien. Plagg is seen more like the devil on the shoulder by the fandom, but Plagg is acting more like the voice of self worth for Adrien. Plagg is acting with Adrien's interests at heart. If one looks at Syren or Chat Blanc, there are times when Plagg advises AGAINST something and is often right in that regard. Plagg has a larger grasp of knowing when something is wrong more than something is right. The Kwami are still inhuman and can't relate to everything their 'Chosen' goes through, which we see more in the recent season, with Tikki's explaination. In this regard the Kwami learn just as much from the humans as the humans do from them. Though really, Tikki is suppose to be the wiser advisor but the problem comes into play when her answers are... not very helpful. Tikki has shown to either tell the lesson of the day and get ignored or have no idea how to fix a situation. There is no middle ground with her. But in the end the Wiser Advisor role is conveyed by the kwami and that is important.

The Kwami provide a very crucial aspect to the miraculous, it adds a personality to the ancient relic. We want our heroes to protect the miraculous because we want the kwami to be safe and away from evil people like Hawkmoth. The kwami add so much more to this normally typical magical item. Their roles as the cute confidant and the Wiser advisor allows for them to be crucial in the growth of the heroes as they continue down the path of heroism. And while i think the writing for the kwami can fluctuate, I think its fair to conclude that they are personal pals rather than pains in the butt.

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Potential and Drawbacks

So in this section of the analysis I will be covering the Potential of the Miraculous as well as the drawbacks. Does this potential make sense? Or is it simply another deus ex Machina. As for the drawbacks. Whats the price of utilization? Is their a fee? What are the limits? Do these limits make sense? Are there too many limits or not enough limits? Now let us progress.

As mentioned in the mystery aspect of the miraculous. The Miraculous have Kwami that represent concepts and their power relates to said concept. When we as the viewer are introduced to the Miraculous, we only know that the miraculous have a unique power and that when the ladybug and Cat miraculous are both used can have a power that the villain wants. Now as the seasons pass we see that the specific power that the villain wants is to use the two miraculous to make a wish. This concept alone make the miraculous (or at the very least the ladybug and Cat miraculous) immensely powerful. The potential of having a wish makes the two miraculous priceless. In a way, this reveal shows the max potential that the miraculous are capable of, the ability to shape the world in anyway the user desires. But that is only the case when BOTH the ladybug and Cat miraculous are utilized, what about the other miraculous? What are they capable of alone? Well by themselves, the miraculous are pretty much straightforward. They enhance the abilities of the user to super human levels and then allow the user to utilize the unique power of the miraculous, such as destruction, time travel, etc.

Now in season 2 we learn that there are potions that can be consumed to allow the heroes to traverse different environments, such as the vaccum of space, the ocean, and frozen plains, what this does is allow for the user to have an edge in any environment which makes the miraculous highly adaptable. It is unknown if potions can be stacked on top of one another, but that is debatable on whether or not that would even be useful.

In Season 3, we learn that miraculous can be used together, using unification. This allows the user to use 2 miraculous at the same time. While it is unclear if it improves the already enhanced abilities of the wearer, it is confirmed that they can use the kwami powers involved in the unification. We even see Marinette find a work around to this by using the mouse miraculous to make copies of herself and then use 4 different powers! Showing that there is a way to work around the two person ability of unification. It is also feasible that using more than two active miraculous at once in one form is possible, but that is yet to be discover.

In Season 4, we are given a reveal that embodiment of the concept of the miraculous can result in more abilities, or at the very least can be inferred from Alya's discovery. Ladybug created a new powered up form of her lucky charm and could now create Akuma/Amok warding charms thanks to this power. This aspect of the miraculous is rather new and it is unknown how far this concept can be taken. But the potential demonstrated gives the implication that the limitation of powers on the miraculous is mental.

The miraculous still seem to have more tricks that have yet to be revealed, but the potential from environmental potions, to 100's of unification combinations, and potential to push past limits gives the miraculous a massive pool of potential that make it fascinating.

When it comes to magical items, many always like to know the drawbacks with the magical item involved. The miraculous is no different. Now this is where I find the miraculous is a little murky. At the start the most well known issue with the miraculous was that after the miraculous wielder used the special power of the Kwami, the user only had around 5 minutes before they were forced back. Now with Hawkmoth we never really knew if he was subjected to that rule, since there were times he was off screen. Did he simply have a work around? Was it because he knew something the heroes didnt? That was the biggest mystery until season 3 when its revealed that adults can use the power multiple times without having to de-transform. This explanation was and is still a gripe many people have with the series. The creators gave explanations outside of the show on why that is but it was usually dismissed and still left people angry. However there were still plenty of other drawbacks that the miraculous had.

A major drawback is that the Kwami's condition is related to the condition of the miraculous and vice versa. A broken/damaged miraculous results in the kwami also being damaged. We see this in season 3 with Duusu and the peacock miraculous. Using a damaged miraculous also has an impact on the wielder, slowly draining their life force (as seen with Nathalie) and it appears that overuse can kill the wielder. (which is what happened with Emilie). A Kwami is the reason the miraculous are powerful, without the kwami present, the miraculous is useless. So being too far from one's kwami would make transforming impossible. The kwami being affected by something would also affect the user. Like when Plagg couldnt see due to Chloé's jewlery it is implied if Adrien had transformed, He would have been blind. So the kwami needs to be taken care of, which is a drawback that makes sense.

Another Drawback of the miraculous is revealed in both Silencer and Miracle Queen. The transformation and special power are voice activated. In Silencer, when she had her voice stolen, Ladybug was unable to summon her lucky charm until Silencer used her voice to say the word Lucky charm. And in Miracle Queen, Chloé couldnt utilize the other miraculous because she didnt know the names of the kwami. Without the Kwami's name, the user cant activate the miraculous. It plays on the trope of a name giving the speaker power over the magical being. Using a name also gives a level of respect and it is an interesting drawback as well as a fail safe.

Another drawback that we learn about is that using too many miraculous at once can be dangerous. While this has only been shown in Kwamibuster, when Marinette wore at one point nearly every miraculous at once. Simply transforming caused her to feel a bit woozy. Though after that it did not seem to impact her. There has yet to be seen if abusing unify (like Shadowmoth) and Ladybug have been doing will result in similar effects. But it is something to look out for.

For the most part the potential of the miraculous is put on the user where it is the user figuring ways of utilizing the miraculous that make it more powerful while the drawbacks are mainly limited to the state of the Kwami. This allows for an interesting act of balance where caring for the miraculous would allow the user to evolve, which is something we are seeing in the show, and not taking care of the miraculous or abusing it results in damage, like we see with the villains. Its an interesting parallel that I do wish was explored more.

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Power Balance: The delicate dance

People dont really understand how important balancing power is when it comes to shows. The Hero must be strong enough to save the day, the villain must be a big enough threat for the hero to take seriously. Thats why superman has foes like Darkseid or Braniac. Why Goku fights Frieza, or why Sailor moon has to fight Galaxia.

The miraculous are very bizarre in terms of balance. The strongest miraculous are claimed to be the ladybug and Cat miraculous, the concepts of creation and destruction, Together they maybe the most powerful, but in reality, they are not the strongest. The strongest single miraculous is the Rabbit. A miraculous with the ability to travel through time, it is likely the closet miraculous to being the cat and Ladybug combined. It allows one to change the flow of time. Changing events that could have lead to disaster. And we know that time travel is not multiversal travel, that going to the past DOES impact the timeline. In fact thats the reason its so rarely used, the Rabbit miraculous is a last resort, and if something is a last resort, than its clearly the most powerful. There is also the snake miraculous which has nearly infinite uses regardless of age so long as it is within the 5 minute window. The Horse miraculous that can transport the user anywhere they have in mind, including sending someone into the vacuum of space.

The miraculous power balance also has issues when one considers the two main miraculous, the cat and the Ladybug. Both miraculous are considered crucial to giving someone maximum power and are illustrated like Yin and Yang. But in reality, the Ladybug miraculous is much more powerful than the cat miraculous in nearly every conceivable way. Ignoring the users and just taking their abilities at face value. The cat miraculous has one unique power while the ladybug miraculous has 3. The cat miraculous can destroy anything but the ladybug miraculous can fix any damage done with her miraculous cleansing. The cat miraculous has one piece of jewlery while the Ladybug has two, making it still possible to use with only one earring. Looking at the powers by themselves and not the wielders, one would believe one miraculous was superior to the other.

The power balance between the heroes and the villains seems to be the only one with some care and merit. The peacock and the Butterfly miraculous are at perfect odds with Ladybug and Chat noir. The peacock and the butterfly allow for any sort of power to be created and utilized by an individual or created monster, while the ladybug and cat miraculous are able to purify and fix the person possessed. This allows for a strong balance that means one side must try and out think the other in order to win. The one balance I do think the show captured correctly is the balance between the heroes and villains. Ladybug and Chat noir always managed to foil Shadowmoth's plans but shadowmoth gets more creative and does have small victories from time to time, but never actually wins the day. It is enough to keep the viewer on their toes and keeps the power balance from being too predictable.

The miraculous in terms of balance are... a mess, and I do think that the powers given to the miraculous in some cases were not well thought out. It is hard to say that the miraculous follow a proper balance of power or even dynamic. But the balance is hard to maintain when one is trying to have over a dozen different magical items, its natural that some would be more powerful than others.

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Final thoughts

The Miraculous are incredibly interesting magical items and its understandable how appealing they are to viewers. They arent just unobtanium or a generic magic powersource that villain can pursue. The miraculous have sentience and special unique characteristics that make them so much more. While the power balance is something I find problem with, the matters of lore and kwami help keep the user invested and I feel it makes the miraculous well... Miraculous. I find the miraculous fascinating and while at times ridiculous, the potential development has me marveling at their beauty.

(thanks for this commission and sorry it took months to make. Season 4 put a wrench in this and I needed to utilize what was learned to add to it)

#ml analysis #miraculous ladybug #miraculous #marvelous or ridiculous #this was a dozy to make #ml meta #gale's analysis

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chicoriii · 3 years

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Season 4, Episode 13 - Optigami

I was hoping it might be my favourite S4 episode till now, but it can't be, since I absolutely hate how they are writing "Alya knows" plot arc.

What writers are doing with it is ridiculous. They make Marinette more stupid and irresponsible than ever before to make Alya shine (although she is doing dumb things as well, so I'm not sure I can say she is shining, she is rather also a victim of writing). She is not respect the rules, she has not enough humility (knowing Ladybug's identity and everything about Guardian is not enough, she also wants getting Miraculous permanently), she makes careless things. And what? She is rewarded for it. Do you remember previous seasons? When Marinette did something stupid, Tikki said it out loud. What's happening in season 4? Nothing. No matter what, Tikki and other Kwamis tell nothing. And some of them has been portrayed as wise or careful before (like Wayzz or Sass). I don't see it this season. Now when Tikki questioning reckless Marinette decisions is the most needed, she does nothing. And what's with Su-Huan? What is he doing? Is he one episode character only? Maybe he should start monitoring how's doing the new Guardian? Because it seems that she's is not doing well with her duties.

@bookdragonlibrary has told me that Marinette being incompetent as the Guardian in Mr. Pigeon 72 makes sense, because she was in a big stress. It could be a good argument if Marinette was as much incompetent as Ladybug as well. But being in stress hasn't affected her in the akumas battles at all. And since Optigami is 13rd episode, "Marinette is completely new as the Guardian" can't be justification of her mindless actions anymore. They just downgraded Marinette's intelligence and wisdom of some of the Kwamis as well.

This is why I think that the whole "Alya knows" story arc is absurd and inconsistent with the previous seasons. Do you want more examples? Thanks @bookdragonlibrary for reminding me that in Gang of Secrets Ladybug told to Alya that she has no permission to reveal that she's the Guardian now on Ladyblog. And what's Alya doing in the next episode? She's revealing that Ladybug is the Guardian in front of Mr. Ramier and giving some informations that are supposed to be "top secret" stuff to him. Marinette, or other characters, didn't react to it at all. If Mr. Ramier likes to gossip, he could easily spread the news to the whole Paris. It shows that Alya and Marinette don't think about possibility of the consequences of their actions at all. Alya is also supposed to be a great journalist in the future, how am I going to believe in it, if she's doing those many things mindlessly?

I know that made Gabriel and Nathalie are going to pay more attention to Alya and thanks to it they could discover Ladybug's identity. Actually now, that should be extremely easy to start suspect Marinette (since that's not a secret and she's Alya's best friend) and start tracking her. And it should happen immediately, in the next episode. But I'm sure the writers are not going to make him minimal smart. I think it will take him many episodes, and even if, it will happen at the end of the season. Still it's not a reason to make the characters dumb and reckless.

I would like to see Gabriel and Nathalie knowing Ladybug identity before Marinette knows identities of the villains, it would be very interesting. But I don't think it's going to happen in the way the end of Optigami foreshadows. In my opinion, even if Gabriel starts tracking Marinette, she will discover that in some way before it's too late, and she will mislead him. Just like Gabriel has done it in Collector or Adrien in Gorizilla. It's too fast. Most probably Shadow Moth is going to be defeated at the end of season 5, so I can't see that he's learning Ladybug's identity in season 4. Also I can't believe that there are going to be real and very big consequences for Marinette and Alya. The danger will rather be only temporary, at the end it will be said like telling Alya about absolutely everything was a very good idea from the start. Maybe they have done some a bit questioning things, but nothing really bad.

Is there something I liked in this episode? Yes, of course, though stupid actions of Alya and Marinette made it harder to enjoy it. That's great they tried to make villains more smart and we've seen they are doing something more than just sending akumas and amoks after random civilians. They have some more deliberate plans. There was plenty of action and it was more interesting than in most other this season's episodes (basically, I think that akuma battles in other episodes than Truth, Furious Fu and maybe Guiltrip are rather boring).

Also I like how the Lucky Charm was utilized, not to beat the akuma/sentimonster like always, but to discover the plan of Shadow Moth and Nathalie.

And the design of ladybug and bee fusion is great. Marinette's superhero suits are always so good and this one is one of my favourites. I like her hairstyle the most. I think Ladybee design is even better than Queen Bee or Vesperia's (although there's nothing bad in them as well).

I expected this episode to focus more on Marinette and Adrien as civilians. Remember, I haven't watched the trailer(s) and I was trying to avoid spoilers as much as I could. I'm barely active on Tumblr and Instagram since that one week marathon of the new episodes has started (because I'm afraid of spoilers), but unfortunately, I forgot I should be careful with YouTube as well, so thumbnails and titles of the videos spoilered me the ladybug and bee Miraculous fusion and end card, so I knew it's actually Alya-centric episode again. But maybe it's actually a good thing, thanks to it, I'm not as much disappointed as I could be otherwise.

I absolutely didn't want them to reveal their identities now, like they teased us. I'm not crazy about getting The Reveal ™ as fast as possible, I actually think that doing it too early would not be good. The Love Square is a great and unique concept, so there's no reason to kill it too early. I fully accepted the idea of secret identities from the start. This is why the idea of of Marinette telling someone wasn't overly exciting to me, I could see it for Alix, as only it made sense to me at this point of the story. I could accept it, if it was done right, but it's done very bad.

But seeing early synopsis of this episode, I expected that we should get some Adrienette development. Optigami is episode 13, it's really in time to do this! I was hopping that we should see Marinette being more and more comfortable around Adrien which would lead to the reveal in the season finale. Because I think the main characters should build a very strong bond as both civilians and superheroes before it happens (another reason why I would not like to see the reveal in season 2 or 3). Marinette should be ready to confess (but that doesn't mean she would do it then) and get to know who Adrien really is well, before she discovers that her crush is also her partner who she has been rejecting many times before. It doesn't look like it's happening now. So if nothing changes soon, it could mean that the reveal between Marinette and Adrien will happen rather in season 5.

Also Alya now is getting more screentime and more action than Adrien. Rena Rouge transformation sequence has been seen in three episodes, Chat Noir's in only once and there's no Cataclyms full animation at all (I'm curious about arrangement of its theme). Adrien is reduced to nearly a background character in many of the episodes this season, it's noticeable more than before to me, and I feel it is so unfair. But even now, Alya is still mostly portrayed as the best friend of the protagonist than a character on her own. I would like to see more her doing something which has nothing to do with Marinette and Ladybug. It could make her really shine, now I see her mostly as a character who is doing very reckless things without thinking about the consequences.

-----------------------

The lesson I just learned is that I can't get excited about any upcoming season 4 episodes, no matter how much interesting its synopsis sounds. I should be rather careful about every single one. And sometimes seeing unwanted spoilers is not that bad if thanks to them, I can avoid being too much disappointed. As after seeing the end card of it, I knew this episode is nothing like I imagined.

#miraculous ladybug #ml optigami #ml optygami #ml season 4 #ml spoilers #ml spoiler #ml season 4 spoilers #chicoriii about S4 episodes #chicoriii #original post

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silverthetheorist · 3 years

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The Dream smp will have a bad ending (And why preparation beats improvisation)

So. I am back after a little while. And this is a topic that has been on my mind for a long time. But before we get to my main point we have to clear some things.

The medium where a story is told dramatically affects the story in many ways. A story cannot be the same in a book, or a film, or a tv show, or an anime, or a comicbooks. They are all different mediums that have their own positives and negatives when it comes to telling stories. A book can fit more information but a tv show can have music and good camera work, etc.

Now, the Dream Smp is a completely different thing. This is a medium that has (I think) never been used before (Or at least not at this extend). And as all mediums it has its positives and negatives. The positives are very clear, strong and interesting: You can watch multiple POVs, follow the storylines you care about, you can see events from different perspectives and see whoever your favourite streamer is as the main character. And all of these positives are amazing and unique. No other medium has something like it... but it also has negatives no other medium has. As I see the Dream Smp has three big flaws due to it’s medium:

First of all, real life sometimes gets in the way. In books, movies and tv shows you can just pretend life does not exists for the duration of the episode or movie. This is called escapism, the reason why storytelling is so attractive. The problem with the medium of the Dream SMP is that the storyline sometimes is affected by real life in ways other mediums aren’t. For example a streamer deciding not to do roleplay after a big event when we could use a nice view of the after-effects of said event, or a streamer missing an important event that they could have been a major part of. And this is not the streamer’s fault at all. Real life is inevitable. An example is when Wilbur missed the festival because he forgot to read the groupchat. But it is still an unfortunate negative of the medium.

Second, improvisation can be great. But it can also... not. It is a miracle, a truly testament of how good everyone’s improvisation skills are that the story has been so good for a long time (As I have said in prior post, the story is basically flawless until the manberg/pogtopia war. Then it all kind of went downhill). But I think it is starting to show that preparation beats improvisation 9 times out of 10. Improvisation only works when people have a small guideline, something that tells them point A and point B for them to connect. And I don’t think that is happening a lot nowadays. Furthermore, I don’t think the current writer are doing a good job of communicating the plot to other and including everyone. We can see this in many ways: Nicky not knowing about the festival until the day before because of her chat, Dream leaving Techno on read when he asked what the next plotline was, Tommy not reading the scripts, the story becoming more and more the “Tommy and other two people show” instead of the “Dream Smp show”, and many other examples. (I have many thoughts about how I feel like Tommy sometimes is grabbing all the story/clout of the SMP for himself, not on purpose probably, but... I just feel I bad vibe from that. It is not something I can really put into words. Just a feeling. Not accusing him of doing that or being evil or anything. Just an unfortunate side-effect of him being the center of attention all the time which can lead to fatigue from the viewers when the plot is always about one guy and his discs all the time)

And finally the main negative. The biggest problem and challenge the SMP will have. It’s ending: It is not a secret that the SMP is successful, popular and makes a ton of money. So of course they will continue the SMP. But the problem is that the smp has a story and stories can only go so far. For example, Tommy’s discs being a motivation for his character for one or two arcs is understandable. But when the discs are his motivation for several arcs (And counting), it kind hurts your suspension of disbelief (That is the amount of things you can take in a story before you say “This story is not believable at all”). I am not comparing the smp to Disney. But when they continue to stretch the story more than it should because it is successful... yikes. The manberg/pogtopia war could have been the finally if they changed around a couple of things. And I fully understand them wanting to continue the story after that arc (Which I agree was a good idea despite their not so successful attempt of replicating prior arcs). And the point where we are now although kind of weird, I can totally see the story continuing. But there will be a point where it just feels like everything should have ended long ago. You cannot have a character go through the same arcs, the story having the same events all the time. Writing a long story is hard and complicated, you have to justificate why there is more all the time.

And if they don’t start organizing better, including everyone, planning things out, and deciding on a satisfying ending... then the Dream Smp has a will have a boring repeated ending that few people will watch because it will happen when people start moving on from the smp. And I really don’t want that. They should quit when they are ahead, when they feel comfortable ending the story, when all arcs are resolved, before things start going even more downhill.

PS1: Again, english. Sorry if i’m a bit negative on my blog. But there are already thousands of people explaining an analysis all the amazing things from the smp that I would just be repeating what everyone says. Criticising something you love is not a bad thing. I see as your love for something is so big that even with flaws you can still love it... that sounds corny, jesus christs it is just minecraft roleplay. As always, I am never sending hate ever.

PS2: Something irks about Tommy and Tubbo not streaming together almost at all even though in the story they are friends again. That and Tubbo not being on any of Tommy’s videos but other are just... It is probably nothing... probably. Maybe it is just me projecting my own insecurities with my own friends. I am not saying they had a fight or they hate each other now or whatever. But... it’s still a bit sad and weird. Maybe it is because Tommy only wants to do content with like big youtubers and he is focused on always improving and stuff, while Tubbo is more about relaxing and streaming shit he enjoys. A shame. After months of no content from them, they are back but not really.

PS3: Nothing has happened story wise at all since Doomsday. Which is odd. Is Tommy moving on from the smp? He did say he is focusing on youtube at the moment (And unfortunate negative of the medium, real life gets in the way of the story as I said) so maybe it is that. Nothing major has really happened. Not even small things. Why is Tommy streaming less and less all the time? I don’t know. I also do not think there will be an event on the 16th because of the chess tournament and the lack of any plot developments at all since Doomsday. Many questions, few answers. I kinda feel like I am getting a bit tired/moving from the smp. And Tommy specifically, I am glad for him and happy that he is getting all this success but I think his persona made more sense/was more bearable when he was a relatively smaller streamer/youtuber. With the risk of sounding corny again... I feel like Tommy is too mainstream now (Tiktokers are commenting on his instagram posts and that is never a good sign) and has become more corporate (Only streaming and making videos with people who benefit his video’s/streams instead of HIS BEST FRIEND TUBBO. But that really could just be my anxiety talking. Don’t think to hard about it, I am no one to say what he should or should not do, and I do not know of his life to say things definitively. Just a hunch, a bad vibe I am getting from him.).

#dream smp #dream #tommyinnit #tubbo #wilbur #wilbur soot #jschaltt #nihachu #Nicky #fundy #eret #ranboo #philza #QUACKITY #badboyhalo #SapNap #georgenotfound #skeppy #antfrost #technoblade

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miraculouscontent · 3 years

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Askplosion #11:

(note that I know I mentioned a “Voiced Askplosion” last time in the tags for anyone who put a 🎤 in their ask, meaning they wanted to hear me respond verbally to it, but I only got one and it wasn’t anything serious - just a tease from someone I know - so I either won’t be doing it at all or will be holding off)

Asks responding to previous posts:

ALYA NO!!!

(the idea of Sabrina avoiding not only Ms. Mendeleiev, but also Alya, is very amusing to me)

The fact that the special focuses on the love square instead of Sabrina and Delmar is a crime.

(also note that “Need some help?” is rhetorical in this context; Alya doesn’t care)

Highly recommended, honestly, otherwise it just turns into a big shame because there are shows I really like but with some content that I don’t like, and why torture myself with it when I can cut it out instead?

Just to give a rough idea, here’s my cut of “Desperada”; mind you, this is just my quick cut of it (basically a “beta” version where I just removed everything I disliked without much care for transitioning/having everything make sense; some of Marinette’s friends talking, the guitar scene, Aspik, etcetera), as I’m not comfortable handing over my “perfect” cut of it since it’s like my personal copy.

Yeah, that’s a super awkward scene. As much as I’d like to imagine that Adrien just doesn’t understand the “guy time” thing (which I still hate), the fact that they use the word “guy” specifically is--ugh.

I wasn’t aware of what he said in the French dub, so thanks! It’s really painful to see her throw so much love his way, openly and publicly and obviously, then be so humiliated for it, only for Adrien to feel nothing for her.

Say whatever you want about Chat Noir’s advances and how sAAAAAAD he is when she rejects him, but her rejections are just that; in private. There aren’t other heroes who are around and Chat is never really humiliated. Even in “Prime Queen,” Chat wasn’t the target - Ladybug was, and then Ladybug shifted it to Nadja - so Marinette is the one taking all the heat in love while Chat gets to sit on the sidelines (plus, then “Oblivio” happened and now people probably all thing they’re a thing).

Yeah! That’s the group I was thinking of!

Thank you!

I’m so sorry that happened. ;—;

I’m not aro but I am ace and I’ve gotten the whole, “oh it’s just because--” stuff before, so I know what it feels like to have people put on the pressure/invalidate you.

YES.

IT’S GORGEOUS.

I’m not really familiar with how holidays are celebrated outside of the bare basics of Christmas/New Year (which I am trying my hardest to forget lol), so I couldn’t say.

Sorry!

New Asks:

10/10 thought, would fantasize again.

Though would also accept MC Audrey just doing some “spring cleaning” of the whole staff in general. I have no idea how she’d replace Jeremy since he’s the company’s poster boy but most of the writers have to go at the very least and Jeremy should be given less power.

I think MC Audrey would appreciate how Kagami carries herself, though potential bonus if - while Tom and Sabine just openly trust whatever Marinette wants - Audrey does a bunch of digging to make sure Kagami is “worthy” of being with Marinette (she takes this all very seriously).

Double potential bonus if Kagami takes it just as seriously, so here’s Audrey and Kagami acting as if Kagami dating Marinette is like some sort of job interview.

Kagami handing over a “resume” of her accomplishments to Audrey. Audrey has already looked all of it up herself but appreciates the effort put in.

If the question in Miraculous is, “Do we really need a--” and the thing being introduced is something the staff came up with then the answer is usually “no.”

The movie will look pretty and that’s all I’ll expect. It’s just Jeremy’s take on Miraculous. Luka and Kagami probably won’t even be around so I’m not even interested.

I’ll watch it, but I’m also not interested lol.

Honestly, I’d rather turn into bubble froth.

oddly specific but... I mean, damn

I have no idea, and I try not to throw around words like “spite ship” because I know people could genuinely like the ship, though I will say that I went on AO3 and - unless I read from - the first Maribat fanfiction on there was posted after the airdate of “Chameleon.” I think it might’ve started with inspiration from “Marinette moves schools” ideas at the very least.

Non-Miraculous Asks responding to previous posts:

Oh, I understood, no worries! It was just funny for the split second it took me to figure it out.

My bad, that’s not how I meant to come off (especially since “magical girl shows” is a little broad; I mean, obviously I don’t think something like Cardcaptor Sakura is aiming for fanservice when Sakura’s--like... ten). I answered all those asks in the last askplosion in the same day so my brain was a little fried by the time I got to that ask.

I’m not even talking about Sailor Moon either; it’s just that I knew there are shows with fanservice and there are certain magical girl outfits where I kind of give the side-eye.

Absolutely zero problem with girls fighting in pretty outfits though. I fully admit that I’m a bit of a prude so sometimes I see fanservice where there might not be any. Super short skirts without shorts, for example, inherently throw me off (shout-out to Saint Tail - which I discovered while looking up “pretty magical girl outfits” - because the main character does have a skirt in “magical girl” form but also tights/boots and a cute hat, which is one of the more unique ones I’ve seen).

Non-Miraculous Asks:

Do you mean Sailor Moon Crystal? Yeah, the only reason I hesitate on Sailor Moon in general is because I’m not crazy about the transformed designs. It’s not really a matter of animation but more a design choice that takes me out of the experience.

I have seen all of Cardcaptor Sakura anime though, and then all of the Clear Card arc. I like the former, despise the latter, and I tried to keep up with the manga but once one of the big plot details were revealed, I officially dropped it.

As for Revolutionary Girl Utena, I looked it up a while ago and don’t remember what exactly turned me away. It might’ve been the darker tone though if what you say is accurate that it’s a darker take on a magical girl show.

Also, I may or may not have looked up the ending of at least Princess Tutu and I’m sorry, I’m sure it’s a great anime, but if there isn’t a happy ending then I give whatever anime a hard pass.

(note: yes, I realize the hilarity of saying that when I continue watching Miraculous)

(More Madoka Magica talk/salt below!)

Ohhh, it started a trend? I had no idea since I don’t actively keep up with every anime out there; descriptions need to really pull me in (the only current anime I’m keeping up with is Hanyou no Yashahime, Otherside Picnic, and Cells at Work (Season 2)).

The focus on specific--uh--body parts in magical girl transformations also reminds me that I think that’s usually what kills it for me, not because of the sexualization but because I expect transformations (especially ones that get repeated over and over) to be really dynamic with changing angles and such, which is harder to do when the camera is trying to draw focus to specific places.

Obviously you have to do it for some moments (I’ve always imagined Miraculous transformations like a potential sheep or another one for rabbit, then rabbit!Jean from Leave for Mendeleiev and fox!Juleka from LadyBugOut) because things will be weird if you focus on nothing, but I think there are ways to draw the eye without trying to sexualize.

Not having Ladybug-esque bodysuits is a good start. It reminds me too much of the Catwoman with just a bodysuit so it leaves nothing to the imagination.

How did I forget about that Sayaka scene? omg (though I dunno if the Bechdel Test is hard to pass if there aren’t really any endgame male love interests? are there rules about that? not saying a pass isn’t a pass but it feels like cheating)

It is nice when fans can respect the opinions of others without having to outright attack. I have had a few people come to me with, “I see your point/respect it even if I disagree,” instead of accusing me/others of--well, you get it.

Fandoms can be really messy, particularly as they get larger. I think there’s a certain balance between small fandoms that all know each other and a big fandom that’s out of control. Then there are things like “loud minority” and it’s just uggggh.

Anyway, back to the asks themselves, yeah, I’m not crazy about taking things that are just meant to be positive/cute/whatever and being like, “OKAY BUT WHAT IF IT WAS EDGY AND SAD.”

n o , p l z

Oh, I’ve never heard of that one!

Sayaka dying didn’t really do anything for me either. It’s hard to explain when I saw it so long ago, but it was just Sayaka’s attitude about the whole thing and it made it feel underwhelming. It was a shame too because I liked her and she had potential.

She was Madoka’s friend so I was just like, “Yeah, she’ll die soon.” Probably didn’t help since I knew what I knew about the show being “dark.”

Madoka/Sayaka is probably what I’d support the most out of all the potential shoujo ai ships. To my knowledge, none of them are really canon, though I remember a special song after the death Sayaka and Kyoko which I guess makes them the most canon and that did basically nothing for me since their relationship didn’t interest me (nor did I care for Kyoko as a character). The PSP game might have more intimate potential between the girls, but I never played them so I can’t make those claims (I only remember something about everyone potentially living and then a bad ending for Sayaka where part of her body was decayed when they didn’t get her soul gem back in time).

The tomboy argument makes me think back to a conversation with a friend of mine where we were discussing tomboys in anime and... we couldn’t really think of any? At least any that really qualify as “tomboy” for me.

Like, Misty from Pokemon, for example. I knoooooow everyone really likes Misty, but regardless of my opinion on her, it’s hard to see her as a tomboy.

I feel like they try to lean that way by making her super aggressive and violent (because... m E N) and I think Ash makes a comment once about her not being “like a girl,” but... I feel like that’s just how general “aggressive” female characters are written?

I mean, that’s tsundere female characters I’ve seen in general. Really loud (and not in a “gIrlS aRe sO lOuD aND ScReEcHY” way but like... the way anime gives them big heads while they scream at whatever male character they’re mad at), angry a lot, short fuse, etcetera.

But Misty is still crazy about clothes and dolls, she still gushes about cute things and romance, and both of those things seem pretty indicative of what “standard girl character” would be defined by, since they’re all “stereotypically girl thing” (I say stereotypically for obvious reasons since boys can like blah and girls can like blah and gender exclusivity is blah--). I get that she dresses differently, but that’s about it, and it comes off like, “she dresses differently and she’s ANGRY and VIOLENT, so she’s a tomboy,” which... yeah. They even gave her three beauty queen sisters with CURVES and BUSTS as if to say, “See?? These are GIRLS, not TOMBOYS.” (busty females can exist who are also tomboys, thank you have a nice day).

This becomes more complicated in magical girl anime since girly clothes are usually part of that so “tomboy” means that frills and skirts probably wouldn’t be a factor.

I mean, if you gave those sorts of outfits to me, I’d be like, “SCREW IT, I’M NOT A MAGICAL GIRL ANYMORE. IF LOOKING PRETTY IS REDUCED TO SKIRTS AND FRILLS, SOMEONE ELSE CAN SAVE THE WORLD.”

I’d also like to see some mixes between personalites and “tomboy” things. Like, non-stereotypical tomboy personalities doing tomboy things. Mix and match, y’know?

This was really rambly, but to answer the question... no, I wouldn’t count Sayaka as a tomboy.

All of this.

I think it also exemplifies the whole “dark and edgy magical girl show” thing because... ugh, how do I put this...

The “girls are overly emotional” thing is already bad, but then you realize that there not being any magical boys is also because that doesn’t hit the “shock value” threshold as much.

Y’know, because boys equal dark and edgy shows, so if there was even one magical boy it wouldn’t be as shocking when Mami gets her head chomped. They could’ve done, “emotional teenagers are the target because they’re in that vulnerable stage; smarter and more physically capable than children, but not as mature/stable as adults,” but having some boys in there for balance (it makes me feel weird saying that when I’m all for girl power shows with an all female cast, but in this show’s logic, it’s a different ball game) would make the show seem less bright and “girly” and thus lessen the shock value.

Does that make sense?

#((Aspies who also deal with Winter Blues or Seasonal Affective Disorder))#((how do you do iiiiiit))#((my usual methods aren't working and I'm constantly sluggiiiish))#category: trash #special: Miraculous New York #MC's Art #art: single picture #relationship: alya cesaire & sabrina raincomprix #category: salt #episode: Party Crasher #relationship: love square #relationship: adrien agreste & marinette dupain cheng #MC: Audrey Bourgeois #relationship: kagami tsurugi & marinette dupain cheng #character: marinette dupain cheng #other: non ml talk

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sweetaspiesammy · 3 years

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Ok so I just accidentally sent this to @ghost-go-roasty-mctoasty even though it was meant for you (thanks tumblr mobile and my inability to pay attention before hitting send):

“I can recommend so many better scary movies than that (if you’d actually watch them)” - ok, while I am not involved in this convo, I am a scary movie aficionado and would love to hear your recs! I have watched so many good and bad scary movies because I will give almost anything in that genre a try and I am always looking for recommendations since most people rec the same handful of movies so I’m always on the lookout for something new!

Feel free to get involved! I’ve been bugging becky to watch my fave scary movies for like a week so I think it’s obvious I wanna talk about scary movies lol so I’m happy to share some!

One thing to note is I lean more towards psychological thrillers as opposed to ghost/demon/jump scare movies, but anyway, here’s some recs:

Gotta start with the entire SAW (2004-2010) franchise (excluding jigsaw and spiral) which is fucking incredible. They movies aren’t scary in a boo-ghost jump-scare kinda way, but they’re high intensity and gory af for people who like that. Not to mention there’s a really fascinating storyline that links everything together, well-written complex characters, and an amazing plot twist with every movie. I could not recommend them more and they’re genuinely my favorite movies of all time. I’ve watched all 7 movies 3 times over the past 2 months showing them to different friends and I was just as entertained every time if that’s any indication of how good they are

Se7en (1995) is another one of my all time faves. A lot of people have seen or at least know of it (“what’s in the boxxxxx”), but I think it’s one everyone has to watch at least once. It’s got a really interesting case with a lot of fucked up moments. It’s just an iconic thriller movie. Both Brad Pitt and Morgan Freeman give (at least what I think) is some of their best performances in this movie

Kristy (2014) is one I watched expecting it to be another B rated horror movie that me and my friends could make fun of, but it was actually so fucking good. It’s thriller more than horror but it’s really captivating. It’s one that makes your heart race. The concept is something I had never seen before and it’s still one of my fave scary movies

Kiss the Girls (1997) is one of the first R-rated horror movies I was allowed to watch and just wow. I thought it was scary but so cool. Definitely not the best for a kid but when I rewatched when I was older I was able to truly appreciate the storytelling. It was really captivating and even though it’s a little slow moving at times, it makes up for it with adrenaline rush scenes. Also another Morgan Freeman movie where he plays a cop (like in se7en) but he does it really well. Fun fact it’s also the first time I saw Morgan freeman without grey hair lol

Us (2019) is one I think a lot of people have seen, but I still have to rec is bc oh my god it was so good. I saw it in theaters and nothing compares to the feeling of watching a movie that intense and having everyone be silent with anticipation. I’ve seen it so many times and I get chills every time I watch it. It has a few really good plot twists and Jordan Peele is an incredible director

Get Out (2017) is another Jordan Peele movie that I know a lot of people know but still deserves to be on the list. It’s suspense levels are off the charts and once your realize what’s happening your heart is racing and your mind is fucked

Scream (1996) isn’t scary to me but it’s a really good slasher movie which fits my theme of thrillers. It’s just a classic and everyone need to watch it lol

Pet (2016) was another one I watched with friends planning to make fun of, but it ended up being really creepy and fucked up. It starts off as your typical psychological horror with creepy man who’s obsessed with a girl but oh boy it’s so much more than that

The Ward (2010) gives me chills even when I just think about it. It takes you in so many different directions and your heart just races the entire time. It has easily one of the best plot twists in a horror movie that I’ve ever seen

The Den (2013) freaked me the fuck out. One of the few times I was actually unable to sleep bc of watching something. It’s centered around a webcam chat thing (kinda like omegle) so it felt very realistic to me and just… go watch it. If this was a list in rank order instead of random order this one would be closer to the top

Hush (2016) is yet another one I watched expecting to be able to make fun of, but it was awesome. It starts a little slow but it’s got a very fast pace through the whole movie once it gets going. It’s also really cool since the main character is disabled, which is not something you usually see and spoiler alert: she kicks ass

The Pact (2012) is one I haven’t watched in a long time but still comes to mind when thinking about horror movies. Mainly bc of the plot twist which blew my mind at the time. I felt on edge through most of the movie and was one of my favorites for a while

Insidious (2010) is one of the few on this list where it’s an entity and while I find a lot of ghost/demon movies laughable, this one actually creeps me out. It’s yet another high intensity movie and has a lot of creepy moments that makes it hard to watch in the dark

The Woman in Black (2012) was another really good one that freaked me out. It’s been a long time since I watched it but I remember that it was slow paced but creepy as fuck

Circle (2015) has a really unique concept and is very high intensity. I find it really interesting since it takes place in a single location most of the movie and while the characters don’t get much of a backstory, you still somehow feel for a lot of them. It’s not horror or even thriller in the conventional way so if you like stuff like that I think this is a good one to watch

Since 15 seems like enough/a lot so I’ll cap it here, but if you (or anyone else honestly) end up liking some of these and want more recs feel free to ask and I’ll come up with some more <3

#asks #movie recs #I accidentally spent almost an hour on this oops

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royalreef · 4 years

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“ 𝐻𝓊𝓏𝓏𝒶𝒽! ” There’s officially 400 of you following my dear fish princess! When I started this blog, I never thought I would’ve gotten this far, but this community has been so welcoming and supportive. It’s truly been a joy to write with everyone, and I never would’ve gotten here if it weren’t for all of you encouraging me and my writing. Writing an underappreciated character, and especially with the amount of my canon divergence, brought me to always assume that I’d have a much smaller audience for it - and I’m glad to say that I’ve been proven wrong!

But really, I wouldn’t have gotten anywhere near where I am today without the sheer amount of creativity and talent already present in the rpc. Every day I am blown away by the sheer amount of work that is being put into blogs and muses both, and every day I am awestruck at the replies that I read! And you’ve been there through thick and thin, so I think it’s about time I give a little back and show my appreciation.

👑 The Low Royals

For those of you who have been with me the longest, who have seen the growth and fine-tuning, and even potentially helped me shape this blog into what it is now - I raise a glass to you! You’re all my good friends, and I can thank none of you enough. I truly do appreciate and care for all of you, though I might be bad at saying it. You’ve all made me laugh, and cry, and feel ten thousand other emotions, and I can only hope to support all of you the same as you’ve supported me.

Tam / @necrodanger / @ruiincd / @rebeljest : You have been here from the beginning, and for that, you are the first upon this list. Where would I be without your help? When my Miranda first started interacting with your Val, much like the princess not knowing how deeply she’d fall in love with the pauper, I did not know how such a wonderful friendship would grow between us. You have been through Hell together with me, and though I may stumble, I trust you. Your companionship has been crucial to so much here, and I can only hope that I have helped you grow as much as you have helped me. You are irreplaceable in your talent and creativity, and you know I look forward to everything you write, all that you draw, and every day that I get to chat with you over Discord. I can never thank you enough, and I am truly in your debt!

Jeremy / @grave-risen / @lioncovrte / @covenwtch / @amalgaemate : Jerm!!! Gosh, what praises can’t I sing of you and your excellent muses? Your characterization is spot on - there’s just such a warmth that you breathe into all of the characters you handle. They truly take on a life of their own in such a special way, with all the unique pitfalls and challenges that come with them! You have such fine little details that I love to see in each individual personality and your devotion to detail is to be admired. Likewise, you’re someone who I know I can trust, as that warmth truly spreads over into you yourself, and you’re just such a welcoming and genuine friend that I know I can just vibe with without any pressure. I really do love the plots we’ve done so far, and really look forward to seeing how Brian and Miranda handle becoming friends again. I may tease about him being a snack, but you know I’m here for all of the emotional curveballs you can throw at me!

Shorp / @pasttorn : I might be bad at chatting you up recently - but as always, you know I adore your Damien and all of the drama that he can cause! He’s a shit-stirrer of a muse, and you know I love the way you write, which together is just a perfect combination for a great time! You’ve also been around a bit longer in the rpc so you’ve seen some shit, and you’ve seen me reboot this blog and remake my lore. And for that, for sticking through as I went completely off the rails, I think that’s a pretty good summary of you! Chill, supportive, and sweet, a good pal all around to just vibe with and have some fun creative blends with!

Lola / @monstersmashed : AH... Oh, how Miranda loves her Marcus, and how I adore all the OCs you make! What kind of talent is it to be able to make so many unique OCs and have them all be so individual in such a way that really shows the quirks that makes each and every one special, and where can I get some of that? I remember Junie when she was much, much newer in the rpc, and I swear my adoration for what you can do with an interesting concept has only grown!! I sincerely love plotting with you and working out how your darlings can interact with my three disasters, and just absolutely a good friend all around.

Oli / @mindsmelded : OLI! I know you’re inactive right now (and honestly, I don’t blame you) but I GOTTA give you my love too! Every single reply from you just gets me EXCITED to read, with how you handle your muses! There’s just a passion and a flow to your prose that I love, and I truly admire how you can detail out exactly how each muse thinks in such a unique style that, even if you didn’t give a name or pronouns, you know EXACTLY which muse is responding! I admire you for that, and really that’s such a valuable skill that I want to master in my own writing too! You’re overall just such a supportive sweetheart who I can trust to talk to, and expect plenty of wholesome memes in return as a pick-me-up!

👑 The Middle Royals

Here is to all who I roleplay regularly with, but maybe don’t chat up as often as I’d like on Discord or through messages, or maybe just haven’t known as long as others. You have such excellent characters that I love to see interact with my fish princess, and I can’t wait to talk to you more! Some have budding relationships with your muse and Miranda that I can’t wait to see blossom into something complex and special all on their own, but all have just wonderful muses who I highly recommend you give a follow if you haven’t already! There’s a truly special amount of care being put into their writing, and I cannot recommend them enough.

Raz / @superbeaucoupdevisages : Honestly I didn’t expect to start to ship Oz and Miranda, but, WHELP, it happened!!! And I’m glad it did, honestly, because these two? Cute. Very cute!! With a whole lot of potential for angst and lore-exploring too! And really, I’m looking forward to it, because the way you write is simple and concise, which leaves it wonderfully IMPACTFUL. It’s short, sweet, and hits right where it hurts!! Which could honestly be said the same as you, as you know how to make your ideas known in as few words as possible. You know how to be there without the need for pretense, and sometimes you really do need someone to be there to get to the heart of issues, and for that, I thank you!

Hannah / @ciiclops / @bingemuscs : Probably the odd one out here as we have known about each other for quite a while, predating my reboot, but we’ve only recently really gotten around to chatting, which is a SHAME. I love just being able to infodump with you about my lovely, lovely arachnids, and Iris has always been such a charm to interact with!! I can’t wait to see how she might interact more with Miranda and how they might get along, as I’m really just a sucker for nerd and prep friendships (or maybe even something more) !!!

Zac / @collectathon : Can I just say that I’m super excited for your Zoe muse already? There’s so much to get into still, and she’s pretty new in terms of Miranda’s interactions, but I can’t WAIT to see what happens! Especially with all the ties Miranda has to the eldritch... Plus, I know to go to you for a good time, and I don’t think I’ll get over Miranda trying to frame Scooby Doo for arson anytime soon! You’re a wonderful friend with such a passion that I look forward to talking to more!

June / @preparetodie / @fullofschmidt : Is it bad to say I genuinely didn’t think much of Aaravi until I found your blog? Because I kinda did! But you have taught me to appreciate and love this fiesty AND VERY SAD slayer in a way I never have before, with such introspections on her character that I haven’t even thought about before recently! Similarly, your Vicky? STUNNING. She’s special in her own way, and honestly I can’t wait to discover more about her. Likewise, I’m looking forward to both of them learning more of Miranda’s specific secrets, and all of the fun turmoil that comes with that! (Plus, your art? So lovely!!! I might just have to commission you sometime!)

Hari / @warraigoe : I love! Your Damien! He’s honestly really funny, and sometimes even I can forget how lighthearted the actual tone of Monster Prom can be - so I think having something a little lighter is really good! Certainly, Miranda appreciates it, pfft! Your passion for writing really comes through, and I gotta say I really admire you going the extra mile to really get people similarly excited for something too! You’re someone who I really would like to chat and write with more often, if only my energy could pan out, because you’re honestly just that interesting! Good vibes, great times all around!

Josie / @galaxietm : We haven’t gotten the chance to write much together yet, but the amount of excitement I get from being able to write with you in the future is telling as to the quality that I’ve observed so far! You really do have just a smooth, chill demeanor to you that I can’t help but get really excited to be able to plot with you, and from what we’ve been able to do so far, it’s been looking really promising for things-to-come with Vera and Miranda! And from what I’ve seen of your prose? Similarly silky-smooth, flows as easy as a river, and just really something that I can’t wait to see more of, along with getting to know you more!

Nigel / @1-0-1-9 : YOU!!! Us meeting on Twitter was such a lovely chance meeting, and your friendship truly was a great birthday gift! I don’t show near as much love to your muse as I wish I did, because gosh you really do care about him and it shows! You’re someone who I could chat with all night though, and you bring up so many things I haven’t quite thought of yet! I really do appreciate having someone there who I can bounce ideas off of regularly, and you’re just excellent for that. You say you’re a dog in a human’s body, and tbh? I absolutely believe that with just how friendly you are!

Mori / @roskaarotta : Molly is one of those OCs who I can just immediately pick out as one of my favorites, with the amount of care you’ve gone into in making her! Your writing with her is a lot like how I see your art with her - absolutely soaked in a killer atmosphere that you can’t get anywhere else. I love how you took demons/angels and put a bit of yourself into them, and the character drama you write is to die for! I love hearing all of Molly’s backstory and really get a grasp of her personality, and you KNOW Miranda loves her Raccoon Wife!!

Rilli / @empatheticxangel / @marquisxofxlove : Speaking of which - YOU ARE ANOTHER EXAMPLE OF SOME OF MY FAVORITE OCs! Liam is such a darling, and you’re another big inspiration in me furthering my own lore! The amount of detail you work with for Liam is awe-inspiring, and I truly love hearing about how his world works and the history it has, alongside his own unique biology! The way you handle his powers is legitimately something I haven’t seen done before, and I think that really just goes to show exactly how much consideration and love is really going into developing him. Not to mention - you DRAW all your icons!! Like, DAMN.

Dani / @candyredmuses / @pxppinmolly / @bluemoonmuses : DANI. NERD. DORK. FELLOW MUN OF A PINK PRINCESS. I cannot say how much I appreciate you! And though we might not chat it up as regularly as some others (basically until I find a meme or song that reminds me of you) - you are on my mind!! Your work on character development CANNOT BE OVERSTATED. I think about Molly and your work on her so often, and she truly inspires me to further work on Miranda and put all the more thought into detailing her out! I might be a cryptid, but you can sight me anyday! (And bonus points for ALSO BEING A FELLOW HORROR-LOVER.)

👑 The High Royals

And here’s to all who I don’t know as well! Who I see on my dash or maybe have a thread or interaction or two with, but don’t chat OOC with that often or that Miranda isn’t totally established with yet! I see you, and I appreciate all that you’re doing and all of the effort that goes into your art and writing, and I look forward to the friendships and further interactions that can come of this!

If you’ve gotten this far and you haven’t been mentioned, then I’m sorry! You’re totally free to leave a comment or somesuch, shaming me for being as forgetful as I am, because you’re really all so wonderful, and I would love to shout everyone out if it weren’t for my bad memory! I love all of you so much, and I’d sincerely like to thank everyone reading this, for getting to this milestone together!

@vibinjustice / @rotaidevxr / @eoleolhan / @prsonatm / @stripedstrigoi / @lovsiik / @anxechoxinxhell / @vnemis / @bigveee / @multiipl / @moonmiissed / @woerended / @chainsxwsmile / @grandtales / @stcries / @yourfuturebcyfriend / @hoopsheartthrob / @xj-nine / @hellishmoth / @soupervillainpotage / @fatedcfied / @muse--menagerie / @hazbinvesta / @pinafcl / @dreamsugargirl / @hollowxport / @canisfuria

#rp promo #follow forever #monster prom rpc #mp rpc #Most secret royal advisor || OOC #Spawning of the Reefs || Promos #(( in case nyall wanted to know what ive been doing all day #(( also dear god i hope all these pings work

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letterboxd · 3 years

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Truffle Hunter.

As Pig snuffles its way up Letterboxd’s best of 2021 ranks, Mitchell Beaupre hunts down writer-director Michael Sarnoski for a chat about some of the finer creative points of his Nicolas Cage-starring meditation on cookery and grief.

In a time when audiences know too many specific plot details of films months before they’re even released, the idea of a surprise sensation feels like a fleeting memory. Yet that’s exactly how one could describe Pig, the debut feature from director Michael Sarnoski. With minimal pre-release buzz and no flashy festival premiere, Pig is a film whose status has been created through sheer quality alone.

This is a true word-of-mouth smash, hailed by critics as one of the best films of the year, as well as quickly earning itself a high placement on our Top 50 of 2021. Jacob Knight praises the film as “an existential rumination regarding how people find meaning in a mostly meaningless world”, while Muriel declares it “the most unexpectedly wholesome movie I’ve seen in forever”. Not bad for a first feature.

Written by Sarnoski, from a story he developed with co-producer Vanessa Block, Pig opens on Rob (Nicolas Cage), a loner isolated in the woods with his truffle pig. Rob makes his living selling truffles to the eager and ambitious Amir (Alex Wolff), but when two people break into Rob’s home and steal his animal companion, he must do whatever it takes to be reunited with his only friend.

A rough day deserves a decent vin rouge.

While that setup led many to give Sarnoski’s film the moniker “John Wick with a pig” when the trailer dropped, the story ends up charting a course away from genre thrills and towards something else entirely. Pig is an exploration of grief, loneliness and compassion, featuring one of the finest performances of Nicolas Cage’s illustrious career.

Raised in Milwaukee, Sarnoski and co-producer Block met in college before working together on the documentary short The Testimony, which focused on the largest rape tribunal in the history of the Democratic Republic of the Congo. That film made it onto the shortlist for the 2016 Oscars, putting the two of them on a path that would lead to their breakthrough opportunity with Pig.

Sarnoski spoke with us about the origins of Pig, the long-term impacts of loss in his own life, the joy of hand-cranked pasta and Bruce Springsteen.

Congratulations on the film! How has it felt seeing this outpouring of love coming for your first feature? Michael Sarnoski: It’s been amazing. Everyone who made this movie felt for themselves that it was special, and we all put a lot of care into it. We also knew that it was a risk, a strange film we figured would hit right for some people, but then plenty of others would think it was boring and weird. We’ve been very pleasantly surprised that it’s a small minority of people who feel that way.

What was the seed of the story that would eventually sprout to become Pig? I had this image in my head of an old man in the woods with his truffle pig. There was something sweet and tragic about that. Then I began asking questions about who this guy is and why he’s out there alone in the woods. What’s his backstory? It all evolved from there.

While the first act inhabits that “John Wick with a pig” space that people were perhaps expecting from the trailer, the story then takes a swerve and becomes a somber, thoughtful character study. Could you speak about navigating that unique arc with your storytelling? We never set out to try and subvert that John Wick sort of genre. We knew that we were playing with that lone-cowboy idea of a film and some of those tropes, but we never wanted to poke fun at that or switch people’s expectations in some sense by choosing Nic to star. We never wanted to “surprise” people by making a quiet Nic Cage movie. It was always just about these characters, what this story is, what we’re trying to explore. I think if we had tried to be subversive it would have come off as hokey.

Silence plays a key part in the film, as so much is being said in those spaces between the dialogue and action. How did you want to utilize the impact of saying more with silence? From early on, we always knew it was going to be a very silent film, and that followed all the way through the edit. Some of us wanted that opening to start out the way it’s done in the movie, where it’s totally silent and the music only comes in at the very end, while others were worried that people would get bored with it. The argument against that was that if they’re going to get bored with that, then they’re going to get bored with the rest of the movie. So, we might as well just lean into it, and let them know what it’s going to be.

From there we gauged how we wanted to approach the silence throughout. There’s some beautiful music in the film that Alexis Grapsas and Philip Klein did an incredible job with that allowed us to bring this beauty and splendor into the scenes. But there were also a lot of really quiet moments where we wanted the audience to be focused on the faces of the characters, and really be feeling the space and letting the sounds of the forest, or wherever we were, come across.

Nicolas Cage, his knife skills, and cinematographer Patrick Scola.

Along with the faces, you focus a lot on hands in the film. Whether it’s in scenes of violence or making food, there’s a real emphasis on what hands are capable of. Where did the inspiration for that come from? Nic was very into the idea of conveying artistry through your hands. He spent a lot of time with local chefs to try and get the vibe of how they moved and how they worked. He was always practicing knife skills in his room. I was constantly waiting for the AD to come up and tell me that we can’t use Nic today because he cut off a finger, but thankfully that never happened. Nic really sold that emphasis on the hands. Those shots could have felt empty if it wasn’t for him. I still am surprised watching some of the little hand choices he made.

I remember there was one shot where we didn’t get it on the day. So, we set it up with his stand-in, and just had him wearing his gloves. We all watched it, and it just wasn’t the same. Nic agreed, and so we reset the entire thing just to get that one shot with his hands in there instead. It was totally worth it. He’s an incredible actor, and it comes through every part of him.

Cage is an actor with an almost otherworldly mythos about him, which allows people to sometimes forget what a tremendous performer he’s always been. What was your experience in building a relationship with him, not just as an actor, but also as a human being? I only have positive things to say. That’s not just a gimmick. From the moment he read the script, he was interested, and he really responded to the character. He was committed to bringing the script to life, and was extremely respectful towards everyone on set. He had no reason to respect me. I’m a first-time director. He could have been a total diva. He could have been whatever he wanted to be, and we still would have paid him and been happy with his performance.

He was very kind, and maybe some of this came from the character, but he was also kind of somber and quiet in general on set. At the same time, he can also be very playful and sweet, even though he was trying to remain in the mood of the character. He set the tone, in a way, for the whole crew. A crew could easily look at a first time director and decide to just slack off and scrape by, because I wouldn’t have even known the difference. The fact that Nic treated me and the material with such respect really trickled down, and was so valuable to the film.

We shot the whole thing in twenty days, so if there had been any weak link with someone not doing their job or not being totally on top of it, we would have been screwed. I credit a lot of that to Nic, and him treating this with an incredible amount of professionalism. I think that’s where a big part of his long career comes from. He’s an incredible actor, but he also takes the art form seriously, treating it as both an artist and as this being his job, knowing that you have to do both in order to get what you need across.

Do you have a favorite Nicolas Cage performance? Other than Pig, of course. There are so many incredible ones. I really love Moonstruck. I saw that a couple of years ago, right before we officially cast him, when I was going through some of his ones that I hadn’t seen. Part of it I think is because I’m half-Italian, and I felt like it was showing me a side of my life that I never realized because my Italian family is on the east coast, and we moved out to Wisconsin when I was very young. I never got to be a part of that kind of thick Italian family, and seeing that on screen gave me a taste of what that would have been like. I loved him in that role. He was the perfect balance of sincere and sentimental, and also over the top when he needed to be.

Grub’s up.

Speaking of being Italian, Pig gets deep into the transformative power of food, and of the right meal. Has food always been an important part of your life? Definitely. I’ve never worked in restaurants. The closest thing was when I worked at a snack bar at a summer camp, which was very fun and also kind of a nightmare in its own way. I think most of the importance of food for me came from when my grandma lived with us. It was after my dad passed away, when I was a little kid, and she became this sort of old Italian cook in the house who was using food as this language of love and also as a sort of control. It had a lot wrapped up in it, this sense that we’re going to have family dinners to prove that everything is fine.

I think any Italian family is that way, but especially in that situation, having that presence come into the house when I was a kid, it made food quite charged for me. It was both a form of bonding and love, but also that control. That was very important to me. As I got older she taught me how to cook some things, and I became interested in that. I had a lot of friends who were great cooks and taught me how to do different things. I’m not an amazing cook, but I love cooking.

I love that act of making something that’s about to disappear. I think if you can be okay with that, and put a lot of time and care into that, it’s kind of a therapeutic thing to do. Accepting transience is a big part of cooking.

What’s your favorite dish to cook? I would say over the pandemic I really got into making lasagne. I had my grandma’s old hand-crank pasta maker, so I was enjoying making my own pasta and lasagne with that. I don’t know if I could pick one favorite dish, but that is definitely one that contributed quite a bit to putting on the Covid pounds.

Rob (Cage) and Amir (Alex Wolff) discuss their business relationship.

There’s a scene in the film where Rob and Amir go to a restaurant and Rob has a conversation with the chef there, who used to work for him, about the idea of losing our sense of identity when we give up on our dreams in order to fill this role that society expects of us. Is that something that you personally connected with? Yeah, people ask me a lot about what I think of the high-end cuisine world, and I have to say that I wasn’t trying to solely express that this world is garbage and phony. I was looking at it as another kind of art form. Any time you have an art form that combines someone’s personal passion with some sort of economy there are going to be conflicts to navigate. Whether you’re a painter, director, writer, whatever, those are going to be things you have to juggle. How true to yourself are you going to stay?

For myself, I’ve definitely found that when I try to focus on doing something that I care about, that’s kind of all I have control over and that’s what I should focus on. Pig was that for me. This isn’t the kind of script that you write where you’re expecting a big payday. It’s this weird movie that for some reason really means something to me.

The scene climaxes with Rob saying the line, “We don’t get a lot of things to really care about”. What about this movie exemplifies the things that you really care about in your life? It’s so many things, and even more things came from going through the process of actually making it and falling in love with Portland. It’s become even more than what it was initially intended to be. I mentioned earlier that my dad passed away when I was a kid, and the most personal aspect of the film for me was exploring that idea of what grief does to us long-term.

As I’ve gotten older I’ve been watching how my family members changed the way they interact with the world and built their perception of the world around some aspect of grief. It’s not those immediate effects of shock or sadness. It’s how those things ingrain into your worldview. I became much more conscious of how I was doing that in my own life. That was the deepest, most general thing that I was bringing to it, and that I was exploring personally through the film.

As far as specific things that I care about, I think I have all the classic things. I care about my family, and my friends. I care about the world, which is why this year has been so devastating. I don’t have one single pig. I think we all have a few different pigs in our lives.

Director Michael Sarnoski on the set of ‘Pig’.

Another scene that really stands out is the one in which Rob returns to his old home and sits with this young boy, having a conversation about a persimmon tree that used to be there. Talk to me about the significance of that moment for Rob. One of the things I love about that scene is that it seems so simple, kind of quiet and basic, but it’s getting into a lot of different things. I will say one thing about that scene. That was the first scene that we shot on the first day of filming. That kid was great, but filming with a child on your first day of your first feature was very much a moment of wondering what I had gotten myself into.

That scene does a few things. I won’t get into spoiler territory, but for starters he’s going back to his old house, so it’s his first attempt to really look at his past in the face, and to acknowledge that. I like that in that moment this is also one of the first times that we hear him speak romantically of food, because those things are very tethered to each other.

We get both the sense that there was a past, a personal path that he left behind, but intricately involved in that was how he interacted with food and his art. It’s the first time that we hear him acknowledge who he was in a way that’s okay. He tells the kid his name, and he’s acknowledging his identity that he’s been trying to hide from or ignore. Through doing that, it’s engaging with his passions and how that tethers everything together. I also thought it was cute explaining what persimmons were to a little kid.

I’ve got to ask you about the use of Bruce Springsteen’s ‘I’m On Fire’ in a very meaningful moment. What made that the perfect song choice for that scene? Obviously, who’s singing it is very meaningful. I liked that song, though, because it’s different from the sappy direction we could have gone with that moment. There’s something very passionate about ‘I’m On Fire’, of course, and it’s a pretty sexual song. It’s really charged, but it also has this kind of ethereal quality to it that’s seductive in a non-sexual way. It washes over you, and it feels very mystical. This sounds so “film talk”-y, but I liked that meeting of that transcendent, abstract feeling with that immediate sense of passion and love and obsession.

Finally, what’s the film that made you want to become a filmmaker? Probably Sam Raimi, his first Spider-Man movie. That was the first time I realized what directors do. I had a very strong association with Spider-Man growing up as a comic-book fan, and I was seeing how someone was filtering their own understanding of this character. Raimi coming from his horror background and being into the nitty gritty filmmaking with practical effects and everything, I got this understanding of how a director touches a film and shapes it.

Related content

Steve’s list of pigs in film

Melissa’s list of films featuring food, chefs, bakers, restaurants, cooking, hospitality, hotels, wineries, grocers

Rachel West discovers Nicolas Cage is her most-watched actor of all time

Letterboxd’s Official Top 50 of 2021—Jack Moulton’s list

Follow Mitchell on Letterboxd

‘Pig’ is currently in US cinemas via NEON, and available to buy/rent on digital.

#nicolas cage #pig #pig film #neon #neonrated #neon rated #nic cage #cooking films #cookery film #films about chefs #truffles #truffle pig #truffle hunter #letterboxd #filmmaker

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gra-sonas · 4 years

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Before the Coronavirus, an ongoing quarantine, and the recent economic fallout became front-page news, and a daily worry at the forefront of everyone’s mind, one of the biggest topics causing debate was women’s health, and more specifically the right to have an abortion. The word abortion is seldom ever heard on television, especially not on a major network, and especially not on popular TV. Still, the CW’s Roswell, New Mexico not only says the word, but they also show the main character make the decision and go through with it without regret, and with the support of her family and friends.

Roswell, New Mexico is that type of show. They treat significant subjects like race relations, xenophobia, women’s rights, and sexuality with intelligence and courage in a time when all of those topics are under fire from the highest power in the government. The fact that they do it under the backdrop of a story about literal aliens is just a bonus. On a show with so many deeply complex characters, there is one character whose story has had a significant impact on an entire community. That is the proudly bisexual alien cowboy Michael Guerin, played with nuance and depth by Michael Vlamis.

When it comes to the character of Michael Guerin, it would be so easy to get it wrong. Play him too cavalierly, he would come across as insufferable, too much melodrama, and he would come across as false. But although Michael Vlamis is pretty far from Guerin (they are two different species after all), it’s his willingness to find solidarity, and absorb this character to his very core that allows Guerin to come alive.

The heartbreak permeating Guerin’s story this season just happened to coincide with one painful experience of Michael’s own, and he wasn’t afraid to use that in his character. That’s what makes this performance so unique. As Michael said when chatting with me over the phone while we were both quarantined in our homes, “He has cracks in his armor, and I have always been someone who has cracks in my armor too. I just have to take those cracks and let them show.”

Michael is a surprisingly complex character. When you first see him in the first season, he has this kind of sexy outlaw thing going on, where he’s focused on only looking out for number one. But as the season progresses, he’s sort of stripped of all of his armor. Now in season 2, he’s in a more vulnerable position than ever. Did you know where this character was going to go when you first got it or were you just as surprised as the viewers were? I had no idea, and that was the most fun. I’m the type of actor who enjoys not talking about where my character is going with the writers. I trust the writers, and I know there will be growth, but there is something interesting about reading a script and acting out a scene from just what you already know has happened. Once you know what happens in the future, It’s hard not to play that. It comes across as more believable if you don’t know, and it’s fun to surprise yourself every week and surprise yourself in the moment. Plus, often, when you have that surprising moment, it can sometimes influence where the writers decide to bring the character.

I think a lot of the flashback in Season 1 Episode 6, and how interesting it was to know that Guerin wasn’t always this armored person. He was excited and living for love and planning on going off to college. When we did that episode, the writers did have to communicate what they wanted and tell me to play this character way differently than I had been. It’s been an exciting transition for him, he went from no armor to armor, to no armor and now in Season 2 he’s back in prison and fighting and he’s got the armor back on again.

It’s interesting because, in a way, the relationship drama that Michael is dealing with in season 2 seems like it shouldn’t be as relevant as a lot of the other plot points going on. Still, I think that the way that Michael is portrayed as an openly bisexual character is so unique on television these days, even though it shouldn’t be. It also allows the viewers to see a lot of his vulnerability. Did you feel a responsibility in portraying this aspect of Michael? Yes. When I got into it, I didn’t know a lot about the bi community. I knew about heartbreak and love and loss. In the pilot, I was coming out of heartbreak and channeling that. I just thought of Alex Manes as someone I was in love with and honoring what a strongly committed love that is. I brought that in, and when we did it that way, that was when the LGBT community started reaching out and saying how much I was affecting them with my work. They would dm me and say that my relationship with Alex gave them the confidence to come out. I didn’t realize that responsibility until we started affecting people. I think Tyler Blackburn (who plays Alex Manes) being bi, he knew more of what was going to happen. I hadn’t been on tv before or portrayed anyone who wasn’t straight, so I wasn’t expecting this. Now I know how important it is to continue to take this seriously, and that motivates me.

Tyler is so empathetic, and he has such empathetic eyes, everything I do is just playing off him, the strength of the characters comes from the relationship between the two of us. Without him, I don’t know where I would be. I don’t know if these characters would be as compelling without him.

Roswell is a really special show in the way that it weaves these real-world conflicts of xenophobia and the fear of otherness into a fantastic story about aliens living on earth. Your character represents so many of the difficulties inherent in being someone different. Can you talk about where the show is taking these sorts of conflicts this season, and maybe where they might affect the direction of your character? I think the way they’re taking the show is with the idea that even though we are different, we are also human. Our morals and what we believe in and how we affect others and how we want to be loved is special. Even though we are from another planet, we have the same values. We are so vilified in the flashbacks with the military but, none of the aliens wanted to hurt anyone until they had to defend themselves. What’s important with our show is that we are all one, no matter what your origin is. We can continue to grow to adapt and be better. We shouldn’t be vilified for what someone distantly related to us did.

We are the outcasts, but because of our skin color, no one questions us. Now all of a sudden we are the bad guys because people have found out about this big secret. The most vilified characters are the Ortechas, somewhat because of what happened with Rosa, but also because of race. The racial tension has protected the white people in the community who are also the people that the military is trying to hunt.

What are the ways that you relate to this character? Do you ever take anything from your life and put it into the role? On the same note, does his story ever bleed into yours? That’s all I do in my work. It gets me in trouble, especially now that people are reading my writing. People will be like, “you stole what I said to you.” If it wasn’t said, it wouldn’t matter enough to be shared. The truth is so important. I always find ways to pull from my life. Unlike Michael, I come from a great family. I come from a family who loved me and supported me. My dad was always leaving work early and coming to my games, but he was hard on me, and I felt like perfection was something I was always trying to achieve. As I get older, I realize perfection doesn’t exist. Achieving greatness through your values and being the best you can be, is what matters. When I was a kid, I was overweight, and for a while, I was always getting hurt and going through all these surgeries. Adversity would arise in my life, and then I would have to learn how to deal with it.

With Michael, he feels like things are working so well with Maria, but then Maria finds out he’s an alien, and he’s pushed aside. All of those ebbs and flows of what life throws at you go into the show. I was the fat kid in school, and now I am on the CW, but I remember what it was to be 12 in love, and no one sees you. All of those moments pushed me to be funny as a kid, as a defense mechanism. That’s in me, no matter who the character is, the cracks in the armor are there. I put that into Michael.

One specific thing this year in the show is that I lose Max. in the offseason, I lost a childhood friend while I was with him in person. It was this horrible experience, and it was so weird, and I was sitting there trying to make sense of things, but what made sense was that this guy supported me so much. So I took the feeling of loss and put that into what Guerin feels when Max is gone. In tonight’s episode, I channeled my buddy and made it real. I was haunted this season and maybe even a little too hard on myself, but I wanted to honor my friend. That is a tragic way I incorporate real life into my work. But I’m tipping my hat to my friend. Hopefully, he’s watching and proud.

So, apart from your work as an actor, you are also a producer and a writer. Are you working on anything right now? Does having that diversity of experience make acting easier and vice versa? Definitely. You understand a set, and if I’m producing my own film, I know what goes into that, and if I’m writing for a kid character, I know that they need chaperones and tutors. Being on set shaped me as a writer and producer. Last year, I wrote a film with Kyle [Anderson] about the late rapper Mac Miller called Blue Side Park, And it made the 2019 blacklist of best un-produced scripts. Once that happened, it opened the door for me to do more work. I have a script at McFarlane’s company and another tv show, where Dan Lagana is the showrunner. Having these projects moving has been keeping me busy. We’re getting close. Now I’m writing my next movie, which was initially going to be a thriller, but during the quarantine, it’s been hard to write this dark story, so we (my writing partner and I) made it into a comedy. I produced my first film last year that won the best ensemble cast at the LA indie film fest, called 5 Years Apart. My roommate co-wrote and directed that, and we’re getting distribution. I’m staying busy.

~ Euphoria

#michael vlamis #mgv interviews #tyler blackburn #vlamburn #malex #roswell new mexico

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salted-cushions · 3 years

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All the reasons I gave you, the things I wanted and didn’t want - they were real, but they paled next to you. Like candles lit under the midday sun. And I, weak and stupid, watched the sun set on my life for the last time instead of snuffing even one of my candles out. Now they’ve all burned out, and so I’m sitting in the dark with nothing but my regrets to keep me company.

Long-ass emo post that takes a long time to get the the point, be warned.

I have taken up running in the past few weeks. I am not a strong runner, but my aerobic capacity is slowly improving and I’m starting to enjoy it... slightly.

I ran a community 5K this morning, and the emailed me my results about an hour later. I ran it in 33:15, which was much better than last time but still slow as fuck in the grand scheme of things - the fastest guy there posted a time of 17:30ish, which I know because he lapped me about 10 meters before the finish line.

So I was pretty confused when they told me I ran the fastest time in my age category. Like wtf? So I opened the results page and sorted it by age category - and it turns out that out of 182 runners, eight of them were between the ages of 20 and 29.

Where the fuck do I find people my age to make friends with? Most of the people in my course don’t speak english well enough to really get to know them, and besides they tend to form their own little cliques based on nationality - the chinese students have their own little groups, as do the indians and sri lankans. The singaporean and hong kong group is a bit more welcoming (and they tend to speak better english too), but like... I can get along with them well enough, but not well enough to be part of the in crowd, y’know? And it feels kinda weird to be the only white guy hanging out with an entirely asian crew. Plus their main social activities seem to be hot pot and boba tea, neither of which I’m that in to.

I’d really hoped that I’d be able to make some friends doing this running group thing, but I guess only the young and old do it. Ever since I’ve moved back to the suburbs I just never see anyone between highschool age and middle age. And the people who are kinda around my age are like... young families who’re starting out with homeownership and having kids, just at a different stage of life than I am. I guess all the young people are living near unis or towards the city.

A few years ago, I wanted friends who went out and got drunk, had house parties, did drugs and had lots of casual sex. And I had that, for a little while, working at a bar near the city - we’d pull 12 hour shifts, sit in the bar after close and drink our paychecks, hit the clubs and dance for hours, hook up with strangers, crash somewhere for a couple hours sleep and do it all again tomorrow. But it’s not as fulfilling as I thought it would be, I think I only wanted it because I thought I missed out in my teens and early 20s. (Hospitality bosses want their employees to do this, by the way - they’ve created this culture where you basically get abused by them and the customers all day, then spend all your money drinking at your workplace to get the bad feelings out, and then by the time the next shift rolls around you’re so tired and hungover all you want is to get through your shift and get drunk again. It’s disgusting, and I hope I never work at a bar again).

So what sort of friends do I want now? I don’t really know. I want to be able to talk about things that are on my mind, share my accomplishments and have them celebrated, get support when I need it and give it when they do. I want to host dinner parties and cocktail nights, and go to my friends’ dinner parties and cocktail nights. I want to go to nice restaurants and classy bars for celebrations, and maybe hit a club and dance until I can’t stand once or twice a year - but not on a school night, that’s not very smart.

I guess part of my problem is I want to do everything and be accepted everywhere (thanks, ADHD). Not that many people want to go and see the ballet or a musical, and also get high and talk about life, and also exercise every day and be fit and healthy, and also get shitfaced and dance until the sun comes up. People I meet seem to have space in their lives for work or school, family, a couple good friends, and exactly one ‘other’. My ‘other’ is a list a mile long, and everything has to be done at 110% otherwise I’m not interested in the slightest. I miss dancing - but there’s no point taking it up again until I can commit $5k/year and 15+ hours/week to competition training, plus probably another $5k/year on costuming, shoes and travel. I miss world of warcraft - but there’s no point playing unless I’m gonna do 10-15 hours of keystones on top of raiding three nights every week. I miss league of legends - but there’s no point playing unless I’m gonna play four hours a night to keep my skills sharp, oh and also that game makes me so fucking angry that I’ve broken more than one keyboard playing it. I miss martial arts - I kinda wanna do jujitsu, but it’s so expensive and you gotta buy all the gear straight away, and I know that if I get into it I’ll start wanting to train every day and spend all my time and money on it. Plus I don’t always get along with the kind of people who do it - the typical BJJ guy is either an older dude who realised he was getting fat and had a midlife crises, or a younger guy with a shaved head and intense eyes with dark circles whose bought into the culture with a cult-like intensity and has the vibe of being on the precipice of getting an SS tattoo. I miss magic the gathering, but collecting cards for a competitive decks is an incredibly expensive and time-consuming process with significant setbacks every couple months when a new set comes out, plus MTG people tend to be have this unique combination of zero social skills, zero personal hygiene, and intense arrogance that makes them eminently unlikeable.

I like lifting, but I don’t really like gym culture - if it’s powerlifting, it’s all bearded bikie sorta guys listening to heavy metal. If it’s weightlifting, it’s very insular and cliquey (although the scene in my city is very small, so that might be a poor judgement). If it’s ‘bodybuilding’ - not people who compete, but guys who want big pecs and arms, and girls who want a skinny waist and a fat ass - it’s all ‘yeah brah’ meathead vibes and shallow instagramming. Besides, I spent all this money on my home gym stuff, so I can’t really justify paying for a gym membership just for socialising.

I like running, or I’m liking it so far. I don’t know about the people, they seem a bit too... normal for me. Everyone’s chatting about their spouses and kids and dogs, except the little group of competitive runners who seem to be more interested in training than chatting (funny that). Maybe that’s how I find myself and make some friends - keep moving towards having a house and a spouse and kids and a dog. That’s scary though. Is that what I want?

This has been on my mind a lot recently, to be honest. In a year I’ll be finished with my degree (theoretically) and hopefully find a professional, salaried job. What then? Except for the year I decided I would drop out of school and have a career in hospitality (bad idea), that’s been the point where my idea of the future stops for quite a while now. I know I want to buy a house or an apartment at some point, and since I found out that my sister and I are inheriting an interstate property homeownership is actually starting to sound realistic. I know, in broad strokes, the field I want to work in. But... do I want to live in the city and live the urbanite single life? Do I want to have a family and live further out where there’s space and more greenery? If my research project goes well, maybe I could try and get hired on as a research assistant, or if I find something worthwhile I could put together a PhD proposal (lol good luck with my amazing 1.1 GPA). I could work for the local government, or the state government, or the federal government, or a design firm, or a construction firm, or a consulting firm... the options are so many and I don’t even know how to begin evaluating them.

Of course it’s all a bit of a pointless exercise right now, because I’ll honestly take whatever job I can get when I graduate. There’s a lot of jobs for civil grads, but with my awful grades, dodgy resume and just being older than the rest of my cohort, I won’t have the luxury of being choosy. Public, private, non-profit, research, city-based, rural or even interstate - I’ll be submitting as many applications as I can and taking whatever I can get. And that will cut down my options for stuff like where I like and what kind of lifestyle I want to lead, like I can’t be seeing musicals every weekend and frequenting trendy cocktail lounges if I’m living and working off in Traralgon or whatever, and I can’t be living on a ten-acre rural plot with some sheep and a couple of border collies if I need to drive into the city for work every day.

I’m not ready to turn 30. I’m getting my shit together, but it’s so fucking slow and frustrating. At the start of the year I tore up my life and started from scratch - like I have every few years since I turned 16 - but I think and hope that this will be the last time, now that I’m aware of my patterns, medicated, and trying to plan for my future. But making those plans means... I need to figure out who I am and who I want to be. I need to separate what’s a part of me from what’s manifestations of ADHD. I need to figure out what I genuinely like, and what I think I like because it’s novel, or stimulating, or because I saw people doing it and instinctively wanted to mirror them. I need to dig through the ideal version of myself, the person that I want to be, and figure out what pieces are good and what aren’t. A couple years ago, I had this idea that the ideal me would say ‘I’m gonna do what I want, and the people who don’t like that can piss off.’ Well, I woke up one day recently and realised that I had no friends because that attitude had systematically pushed everybody that I cared for out of my life, so that’s one idea that I’m working on getting rid of.

There is one part of that which is very difficult for me to approach, though... and that’s my ex. She told me that she thought I looked hot with a beard, and so that became part of my ideal version of myself. I normally wear stubble these days - but with the nice clean line shaved into my cheek, just like she liked. I tell myself this is the way I think it looks best. But maybe I only do it because my ideal me is built for her. Before I met her, I already wanted to be fit, healthy and strong - dance training, lifting, sometimes running (but never sticking to it). But fitness was a big part of her life, and while we were together I absorbed some of that from her. It would be stupid to drop it from my life altogether, but I can’t help but wonder how much of why and how I do these things is constructed around her.

I never met anyone who understood me like she did. I’ve never liked sharing hobbies with girlfriends - inevitably they don’t quite get it, just as I don’t quite get theirs. Like, girls who wanted to play video games with me didn’t understand my drive to improve and be competitive - how when I play a game I’m constantly striving, in every moment, to be that little bit quicker, more accurate, more efficient, to make the right calls, to pick the right strategies. To them, a game is just a game to play for fun - and there’s nothing wrong with that, but it’s not how I enjoy video games and I’m going to be intensely frustrated for every single second of you clumsily trying to participate in something I’ve spent thousands of hours getting better at. I can’t even play Mario Party without becoming a ruthless monster, please let’s put on a movie or something before my head implodes.

She got it, though. Not with video games - she didn’t give two shits about them - but about fitness. She wasn’t like those people who come to the gym to half-heartedly do a set on every machine and then go home to eat ice cream, or the people who just do an hour of incline walking while watching tv and playing on their phones. She did research, and made intelligent plans, and took it seriously. She’d grit her teeth and push through the shittiest days, where lesser women (and men) would have cut their workout short and gone home. She badly needed to succeed, so badly that every little failure cut her to the quick. Healthy? Fuck no. But just like me. More than me, better than me. We understood each other. And let me tell you, you’ve never known love until you’ve watched your girlfriend grind her way out of a PR squat that by all rights she should have failed - and then seen the elation on her face once she’s racked the bar and realised what she just achieved.

Jesus, I’m close to tears now. I just wanted to bitch about not having any friends and I’ve once again segued into pining over her. God I’m so lonely. Why am I like this?

Reading over that last paragraph... it does sound like I have genuine feelings for her, and not just an obsessive need to recapture the one that got away. So that’s... good, I think. It doesn’t change anything really... it doesn’t uncover a new course of action to take, or instruct on how to manage my feelings better. But I don’t want to be that creepy, obsessive ex. I’ve felt like that a lot over the past couple years, but only internally... I’ve tried to leave her alone and done pretty well, I think. Like yeah, I think about her way too much and stalk her socials pretty regularly, but if she doesn’t see any of that then... it won’t make her uncomfortable. That’s the theory. And I’m getting better with the stalking... I just open her instagram and say to myself ‘see? still blocked and set to private. you didn’t miss anything.’ and then I can close it and go about my day. Not great, but... better than the alternatives for now.

This is where it all comes together. I want to text her, have another shot, lay everything out and say ‘I want now what you wanted from me two years ago.’ And I think that’s an actual desire, even a plan, not just me desperately trying to grab on to the last few shreds of dopamine I could get from her. But... I’m not ready, and it’s not the right time. I need to keep getting my shit together, so I can face her and be proud of myself. I don’t want to be embarrassed by living in an ancient, dirty and broken-down house - but I’m working on that. I don’t want to be embarrassed by my inability to stick to an exercise routine for more than a few months - but I’m working on that. I want be confident when I say I’ll finish my degree this year. I want to be confident when I say that next year I’ll have a job and be looking at buying a house. I want to be confident when I say that I’m quitting smoking - or, better yet, proudly say that it’s been so many weeks since my last cigarette.

I hurt her, in the past. And I regret it, and I’m ashamed - because as I’ve learned more about myself, the reasons are becoming clear. She wasn’t happy, and she would break up with me. I would say, ‘well of course I don’t want that, but you need to do what’s right for you.’ And then I would go cold for a couple of days until she inevitably came crawling back - until the last time, when she didn’t. I shouldn’t have let it go on. And why did I let it? Because I’m weak and selfish. Because I ignore issues that I don’t want to deal with, and happily go on with my life as if they don’t exist. Because I’m desperate for approval and validation, and couldn’t do the right thing by her because it would have meant losing a huge source of that. Because I think I can get away with anything, and I care more about whether there will be immediate consequences for me, rather than if something is right or wrong or affects someone else.

I took so much from her. Her friendship with our other roommate - destroyed, and at the time I said ‘that’s between the two of them,’ but I was the one who came into their lives like a hurricane. Her house - she was the one who had to move, even though she’d lived their long before me - I was the one who should have moved out, but I said to myself ‘she’s the one who’s leaving, that’s her prerogative.’ Her gym - I should have stopped going there when things were moving towards the end, but I didn’t. Then I told myself that we went at different times now and wouldn’t see each other, so it was fine - until one day when she came in, saw me, went to the bathroom and hid for at least an hour until I’d left. It shouldn’t have taken that much to make me change gyms - and for what! That gym was her community, for me it was just the most convenient place that usually had a free squat rack. And I took it from her. All of these things were so easy to justify - ‘I’m gonna do my thing and if anybody doesn’t like it - they don’t have to stay in my life.’ I was so fucking selfish, and I have so much regret. The only thing I could possibly do is apologise. And I hate apologies - words mean nothing without actions backing them up. There’s no action that I could possibly take that could give these things back to her, so all I could do is grovel at her feet and tell her that I’m sorry and that I’m trying to be a better person.

I’m scared. Even if I do get my shit together and sack up enough to text her, and even if she actually replies, and even if by some miracle she wants to try again - I’m scared that I’ll hurt her again. That I won’t have grown out of my selfish, irresponsible ways. I can SEE the patterns, but can I change them? I think so... but it’s not an overnight thing, and it’s not a neat and direct path from A to B. It’s a messy, unclear, painful and difficult thing that I have to do if I want to be a better person, if I want be capable of having a stable and loving relationship in the future. I can easily see a future where, if all the pieces fall into place and we start dating again, I just use her up and toss her away again - just like every woman I’ve ever dated. Then I’m back exactly where I am today - lying in bed emptying my feelings into the internet - and she’s twice scarred from having me in her life. And then I hurt the next woman, and the next, until I eventually die bitter and lonely, looking back on the trail of pain and heartbreak I’ve left in my wake.

I’m scared of the other options, too. I’m scared that she rejects me and it doesn’t help me get over her. What do I do then? This would be a real hail mary, there’s no third chance - hell, the second is already a stretch. I just cannot go on for the rest of my life feeling like this - it’s been two years! The first three months or so were by far the worst, but after that it’s like... this became my new baseline. A bit of ebb and flow, but never gone. Maybe it’s worse than usual right now because I walked past her last week... and maybe it’s worse than usual because I’m trying to dig these things out from the depths of my brain in the hopes that the light and air will cleanse them. Maybe by going through this phase of rawness and regret, I’ll be better equipped to move on and this will all die down. Although I’m pretty sure I would have to genuinely accept that I can’t have her, and... I don’t know how. Maybe an emphatic and absolute rejection would do that for me. I’d probably have to throw away some of the stuff she gave me. I don’t know. I’m not equipped to approach that idea right now.

And then... what if she says we can try being friends? How do I navigate that? I’m not capable of doing something halfway, I’d spend every waking minute looking for an angle. It’d be an opportunity, not a friendship. That’s... manipulative. I don’t want to do that. And I don’t want to lie to myself and pretend I could do that. I don’t think it would happen, anyway - I don’t see that coming from her. Although I have seen her being friendly with an ex of hers, so... maybe I’m wrong.

And what if she says yes... but then I find out that I was in love with the idea of her that I’ve constructed over the past two years, and the person she is now doesn’t resemble that at all? What if I was just caught up with new relationship energy and a novel person, and really the connection and rapport wasn’t as deep as I remember it being? What if I do everything right this time, and still end up unhappy? I know that dating is always a risk, but... I don’t want to be dumping her six months down the track because she didn’t live up to this ridiculous, unrealistic fantasy version of her. And I don’t want to end up a bitter old man in a loveless marriage, any more than I want to end up a bitter old bachelor with a collection of broken hearts. I think about it and I’m pretty sure that the connection we had was real, and the reasons I want her are real and accurate - but ever since I started wrapping my head around this ADHD thing, I’ve stopped trusting my perceptions of things so much. If I want something, my brain will tell me pretty much whatever I need to hear so that I can rationalise my doubts away.

And that’s part of this whole thing - all this work that I’m trying to do on myself, how much of it is for her? I say it’s for myself, but I wouldn’t put it past me to be rationalising it that way, when it’s really all part of a larger scheme to win her back. Like, I clean my kitchen benches with spray and a cloth every single day now, sometimes two or three times if I’m cooking a lot. I think that’s because I want my house to be cleaned to that standard - but she had extremely high standards of cleanliness, so maybe I’m just trying to make myself the person who can tick that box for her. And I can say, well, if that’s the case that’s ok - the motivations don’t matter as long as you’re improving yourself. But if that’s the case... what happens after I text her? If we get back together, and my brain goes ‘cool goal achieved, we can shut this all down now’ and all the good traits I’ve painstakingly developed collapse back into nothingness. Or if she says no and I actually accept that, then my brain might go ‘ok this is pointless now, let’s get rid of it’ and the exact same thing happens? I want to be a whole, complete person on my own - and a good, responsible, reliable person who does stuff like keep a beautifully clean house - and so the idea that all of that might be built around this hope of having her back in my life is... uncomfortable, at least. As is the idea that I’m constructing a persona who’s only purpose is to win back an ex-girlfriend, as if life is some stupid romcom.

This has gone way off track, so... I’ll leave it there. R, if you’re reading this... I’m so, so very sorry about so many things. I hope you’re not reading it, because I’m not ready - for the apology itself, or the conversation that might follow. But I also hope you are reading it, because that would put the ball in your court and absolve me from the need for action - and I’m still too weak to do the difficult things in life.

When I told you I would come with you, I should have followed through. And I had reasons for not doing that - like I told you in my letter - but looking back I don’t think I was being honest with myself or with you. I was just too weak to do the difficult thing, and so I told myself half-truths until they sounded true enough to tell to you. All the reasons I gave you, the things I wanted and didn’t want - they were real, but they paled next to you. Like candles lit under the midday sun. And I, weak and stupid, watched the sun set on my life for the last time instead of snuffing even one of my candles out. Now they’ve all burned out, and so I’m sitting in the dark with nothing but my regrets to keep me company.

That’s it from me, everybody. Thanks for reading my blog.

#adhd #long #long post #poetry #...sorta #relationships #adhd relationships #emo #regret #loneliness #a bloo bloo bloo #prose #i miss you #i’m sorry #blog post

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