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greenleaf4stuff · 5 months ago

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Of Convenience 9

(all previous parts of "Of Convenience")

Adar x Celebrimbor (silverscars) political marriage AU, 9th snippet. The evening before they plan to march on Eregion and fight Sauron, Adar and Celebrimbor share one last dinner together. The elf ponders his time with the uruk, and the two husbands share some reassurances. (There is some mildly alluded to/hinted Adar/Sauron and Celebrimbor/Sauron in this, but it can be read as either platonic or romantic imo.)

Remember how I mentioned that I'd write one of their meals if my muse let me? Yeah, have one extra part. As a treat. We are nearing the finish line, slowly but surely, and I am both excited and a lil anxious about it. At least it looks like I might actually get this thing finished, which is still mind-boggling to me. Enjoy!

They'd do it, tomorrow. It still felt surreal to even think it, but tomorrow, the joined armies of Adar and Gil-Galad would march onto Eregion together, demand entry, attack Sauron - and hopefully, free all of middle earth of the looming threat he posed to it.

Everyone had been tense, even downright restless, during the day. Galadriel hadn't been able to sit down during the last round of planning, Elrond had been lost in thought more than not, and Gil-Galad had taken to pinching his brow and twirling Vilya around his finger at times when before, he'd have avoided such obvious tells about his state of mind.

Even Celebrimbor had found himself wringing his hands and fiddling with a writing quill to the point that he'd accidentally frayed it, earlier in the day.

The only one who seemed to become more even-tempered instead of agitated was Adar. The smith had first noticed it when the uruk poured all of them something to drink; whereas Celebrimbor's own hands shook from nerves as he reached to take his cup, Adar held it out steadily for him.

The uruk wandered around the table in an almost leisurely pace, calmly recited the number of his troops or the amount of war machinery he possessed, and pointed out potential weak points of the city walls as well as how their alliance might safely breach them in case the city was truly lost to the Deceiver - all with nary a hint of emotion.

It was eye-opening, in a sense, to see how Adar appeared to thrive in a time that spelt dread for most others. The smith needed to mull this over, for a time, until he realized that this was likely due to how the uruk had lived most of their lives. Always prepared for a battle, for an attack, for aggression.

They knew war, understood war, even if they wished to avoid it when it came to Eregion. Most likely, they'd been forced into it by Morgoth. And then, after the fallen valar had been banished and Sauron temporarily defeated, they'd had to live it once more, when the other races of middle earth turned their backs instead of reaching out to them.

These and similar thoughts haunted Celebrimbor's mind as he and Adar sat down together for dinner later that day - the final one they would have together in this camp, before facing their enemy tomorrow.

As the elf watched Adar eat, looking almost completely unperturbed, while Celebrimbor merely picked at his own food. Mixed in with his worries, there was a sense of melancholy that demanded closer attention.

He hadn't been in the uruk camp for long, all things considered. A few weeks, at most. And yet, he had found a sense of normalcy here, between negotiations and exploring the camp with Glûg, tinkering at Gurlak's forge and having conversations with Adar. Especially the latter part.

The elf's feelings towards his husband had gone through rapid changes in those few weeks. From initial fear and distrust, to brief resignation, to hope, ease, curiosity. Mutual respect, a sense of camaderie, then companionship.

Friendship.

Affection.

Something the smith couldn't - didn't dare to - name yet.

When Celebrimbor looked up again, hoping to catch another glance of his husband's face while the other focused wholly on his meal, the smith felt warm when he found that the uruk was already watching him instead.

There was a moment as Adar chewed and swallowed whatever he had been eating, before stared pointedly at Celebrimbor's plate. "Is the food not to your liking today?" A pause. "Or is something else the matter?"

The elf exhaled, long and loud, and felt his shoulders sink in defeat. He put aside his fork. His meal had surely gone cold by now, and he didn't feel able to stomach any more anyways. "The food is as good as always. I just find myself...distracted, today."

Adar hummed. "That is to be expected. I think all of us are having mixed feelings about tomorrow," he replied, and held Celebrimbor's gaze. "But remember it is not just a simple fight. It is the chance to save all of middle earth for generations to come - possibly even for good."

The elf nodded, and tried to will his face into a more hopeful expression, but it wouldn't obey him. There were a great many things that troubled him; some that had done so for weeks, some that recently started to keep his mind occupied. Now, they threatened to overwhelm him. "You are right. I should try and focus on the positive side of things. But I find it hard not to- have some lingering apprehension."

He found his own eyes had wandered the tent as the spoke, unable to focus on the uruk, and the smith had to consciously pull them back toward his husband. Who did, in fact, still watch him. Adar's eyes were intense, and it felt as if he could see all of Celebrimbor's doubts in that moment.

"You aren't feeling ready to face him tomorrow, aren't you?" the uruk asked.

Celebrimbor tensed in response - he had not expected the other to see his deepest fears and lay them out, bared to both their gaze in the space between them.

But the look in Adar's eyes was one of understanding, and his tone soft as he spoke, and so the smith felt safe enough to be honest with himself as well as his husband.

"No, I do not," he admitted, and heard his voice crack before he cleared his throat and sat up straighter. He balled his hands, which he had placed in his lap, into fists to stop them from shaking. "I fear what I will find, walking back into that city. What he might have done to it. To my forge, to my subjects. My apprentices, my - friends."

"But most of all, I am terrified of having to be so close to him again," his voice was small. "Of what he might do, how he might try and twist my own mind against me, my ambitions and my insecurities. What if he gets a hold of me again and I cannot resist him this time?" The question was directed at no one, but it was one that had kept him on his feet, twitchy and eager to occupy his mind with other things.

It was a deep-seated fear that had gnawed away at him, so insidious he hadn't even dared to admit it to himself until then. He'd tired to push it away for all those last weeks, at least until it became apparent that their negotiations would actually lead somewhere, as their alliance finally took shape.

He was startled from his thoughts when Adar spoke up. Still, his voice was soft. If he hadn't been under Morgoth's command and suffered whatever had scarred body, Celebrimbor suspected the other's singing voice might have rivalled the beauty and candence of Maglor himself.

"Back then, in the First Age, when I freed my children. I did not feel ready to face him either," Adar revealed.

The elf needed a moment to fully comprehend the words, and as he did, his eyes widened.

The uruk was still looking directly at Celebrimbor, but when the elf remained silent - too stunned to speak - Adar continued. He propped up his elbow and let the fingers of his gauntleted hand rub against one another as his face tilted to the right of him, a faraway look in his eyes.

"Back then, it had already been centuries, even millenia, that I had served in his master's ranks alongside him. Mairon, as he was still called back then, had been friend and foe alike, at least I thought so. I followed him and his master's lead, both because I thought there was no other way, and because I could not make myself leave even when I hoped to create another path to walk instead."

"Each time I threatened to falter, he managed to coax, plead or seduce me back into perfect loyalty. Even when they twisted and scarred my children, even during all the wars they made me wage for them. He told me it would all lead to a future where my children and I could be free. And I believed him."

"It was only when he began to sacrifice them in droves for his 'unseen world' project, when he grew the idea of subjecting all living things not just to his yoke, but his very thoughts, that something changed."

There was a long pause. Celebrimbor did not even dare breathe too loudly, much less move. He could not take his eyes off of Adar, who looked both so regal and so frail in that very moment.

"I could not bear the idea of losing any more of my children. Or any more of me. But even then- it was the most terrifying thought I'd ever had, and the most terrifying thing I had attempted. I still see myself killing him on the back of my eyelids during bad nights. And each time, I still feel the same fear as I did back then."

Finally, Adar looked at Celebrimbor again. The elf felt unmoored, as if he were floating, from the sheer depth of compassion he saw in those eyes. "Believe me when I tell you - I fear tomorrow the same as you do."

Celebrimbor swallowed, and felt his eyes cloud over a little, before he blinked the moisture away and looked down, trying to hide his reaction.

He heard Adar get up from his chair and walk over towards him, at which point the smith lifted his head in surprise. Adar was still watching him, but his look was changing from one of compassion to a different expression, one that the elf couldn't quite place-

The uruk sat down on his haunches next to Celebrimbor's chair, and placed his bare hand onto the elf's wrist. Warmth seeped through his robe and he felt as if it were spreading through across his whole body. It brought Celebrimbor back to himself, made him feel grounded and- safe.

"I did it for my children, back then," the uruk explained. "All you have told me, all that I have seen you do, made it clear to me that you too care about your people in such a way as I do mine. And look how far it has brought us. Few believed this alliance could be achieved, yet we did. Neither of us has to face him alone now."

"I did not falter when it mattered most, back then. I will not falter now. And neither will you. I am sure of it."

Celebrimbor could only describe the way he felt as 'thunderstruck'. The nagging voice in the back of his mind, his doubts, all of it seemed to fall away at Adar's words, the way he said them so confidently, with an assuredness that made the elf unable to even question, much less contradict him.

If Adar believed that they would succeed, then they would. There was no other option. Perhaps, the elf mused, this was part of why Adar was such a good leader to the uruk.

When Celebrimbor didn't speak, Adar lightly squeezed his wrist. This, of all things, helped Celebrimbor regain his speech with a slight jolt. The warmth of their contact continued to spread through him. Yes, this- this was definitely affection he was feeling. Fondness.

"I do not just fear for my own people," the elf replied, voice still quiet. "I fear for yours as well. I have made...friends, among them. Glûg, and Gurlak. I know Glûg has a wife and child. Gurlak has apprentices like I had- have, in Eregion."

At that, a light quirk stole itself onto Adar's lips. The elf felt his gaze being drawn to the motion. Whenever Adar smiled, even just a little, it seemed to transform his whole face.

"And I am pleased that you have. As I said. I did not think it could be done, a friendship between elves and uruk. I am glad you helped prove me wrong - and everyone else, too."

Celebrimbor tried to say more, even as his words threatened to flee him again, but Adar was too quick for him to do so as the uruk got up again.

"Rest. I need to check on my lieutenants and help ready the troops for tomorrow. Perhaps you might be able to eat a bit more, yet," Adar said. As he walked behind the elf's chair, towards the entrance of the tent, his hand slid from Celebrimbor's wrist, up his arm and to his shoulder, which he squeezed softly with his hand.

Adar's words, his touch, the way it made Celebrimbor's heart seize and then feel as if it might burst in his chest, made the smith quickly reach up with his own hand and catch Adar's where it lay, grasping it and keeping it locked in place.

A shuddery breath, and he turned his head up at the other.

The uruk was looking at him still, but his face was more placid now. He was so quick, so skilled, at hiding himself away.

There were so many things the smith had said in his life - he'd given rousing speeches, encouragements to his apprentices. Affirmations for his friends, praise for Elrond, Galadriel and Gil-Galad for their accomplishments, tender words to those who had endured great losses.

And yet, now, his words had utterly deserted him.

He wanted to tell Adar so many things - 'I am glad we achieved a treaty for our people.' 'You are nothing like I expected.' 'I am glad you are here.' 'You and your words have calmed me like no other could.' 'I worry about you most of all.' 'I cannot explain what I am feeling, but the thought of losing you terrifies me, I think I might not be able to bear it.'

'Meeting you has been a coincidence, but I am glad it did happen, despite the circumstances.' 'I liken your eyes to gemstones in my thoughts and I want to craft you jewelry that fit their shade.' 'I wish I knew how to ask to repair your armor, so I might protect you like you did me.'

'I think I feel more for you than a husband in a political marriage typically does. Certainly more than I expected to feel.'

But, overwhelmed by his own revelations, the only thing he managed to say was "Thank you, Adar, for your reassurance. I am not sure if I might ever be ready to face him, but. You are right. And I am glad not to be alone this time," a pause. "You are not alone this time, either."

There was another small smile on Adar's lips, but it made Celebrimbor feel dejected instead of elated, for it seemed to hold no happiness, nor humor.

"You are very welcome, Celebrimbor. Now, as I said - eat. I will be joining you again once I am done," and with that, Adar stepped away as he pulled his hand out of Celebrimbor's grasp, and was gone from the tent before the elven smith could protest.

He sat there, his own hand still resting on his shoulder, still and quiet and all by himself. His heart still felt too big for his chest, but now, it also felt is if someone were tearing it apart.

Never in his life had Celebrimbor felt so utterly, completely bereft before. As if something intangible, yet very crucial and important, had just slipped through his fingers. And he felt terribly unsure if he would have the chance to ever reclaim it.

This, instead the thought of facing Sauron come tomorrow, scared him most of all.

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welcometogrouchland · 1 year ago

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Batman #149 by chip zdarsky is mostly unremarkable, but I'm really fascinated by how it makes a great case for 'good' endings not saving 'bad' stories*. Because there's a lot of interesting concepts in this issue (bruce having to deal with his rapidly aging and decaying clone making him think about his own life, re-establishing a 'nest' so to speak for his family after pushing them away, etc) but bc of the OOC slog that came before it, almost every moment w/ the batfamily comes off as unearned and disingenuous imo.

Like, everything with Damian is the perfect example in this. Because in isolation it's...fine. admittedly it's a missed opportunity to not go deeper into how Damian would feel about a clone of his dad who tried to kill considering Damian's relationships with clones of himself (the heretic rejects and respawn) or with former enemies who wanted him dead but who were manipulated and/or brainwashed (like suren and maya).

Zdarsky doesn't go into any of this but you could maybe excuse it as the issue not being about Damian. However, coupled with the previous bizarre characterizations of Damian in 147 and 148, it ends up not being fine- instead it starts to feel...icky how Damian (who, despite often being drawn and written as white, will never have his connection to the non-white al ghuls forgotten and will always be effected by racism even when not portrayed as a poc) is constantly written as overly violent, uncaring and narrow minded in this run. Coupled w/ trying to recanonize the morrison origin for Damian it's like. OH this is badly written and laden with subtle bigotry, sick**

That's me going into detail on it with Damian but it's applicable to other things in this issue- the way Cass, Steph and Duke have all been ignored or turned into jobbers makes their inclusion in the 'family' here feel hollow instead of satisfying. Bruce proclaiming that Zur was still a part of him and he needs to accept responsibility for his actions (when it means taking in clone son) wrings hollow when just last issue zdarsky was bending over backwards to separate Bruce and Zur bc otherwise the Jason thing would get really awkward. Ends are achieved through means that feel hollow or strange. I'm at my destination but damn why'd the bus have to do all that???

I only really have opinions on this latest arc of zdarskys Batman bc it's the one I've read the closest (bc I'm a hater, masochist and avid follower of even the bad damian storylines) but it's not saying great things.

Bc zdarsky can do one thing good in this book, and it's write Bruce and Tim. And yet this entire story, whether of his own volition or editorial mandate, includes other characters who aren't Bruce and Tim, the fabric starts to unravel in very telling ways.

(p.s, I think pennyworth manor is an interesting idea but I feel like in execution it's just gonna be 'bruce living in a house haunted by the memory of the people he couldn't save' but with a different dead guy this time. Illusion of change and whatnot)

*whether or not the ending is good is up to you ofc, as is your opinion on the proceeding arc! I saw some ppl complain that the ending was too "WFA" for them, which I get even if I dont think it'll literally be the same premise. If anything it's probably a lead into the new tec run. Likewise many ppl who aren't in the weeds of Damian and Jason characterization liked the previous arc! But I have my opinions and rest my case before the bench

**disclaimer, I'm white and portrayals of bigotry in comics are complicated and subjective, but I am basing my point here off what other poc comic fans on socmed have been saying about 149. Also the "sick" is sarcasm incase that wasn't obvious

#ramblings of a lunatic #dc comics #dc #damian wayne #bruce wayne #uhhh. not gonna tag the others i dont have time #batman #idk if the zdarsky series has its own tag #anyway yeah. i saw some interesting discussions surrounding 149 and it got me thinking #the experience of reading the issue is inoffensive until i remember how we got here and then all of a sudden i start to feel downright evil #the bruce/zur separation thing pisses me off so bad. MOTHERFUCKER YOU WERE JUST SAYING LAST ISSUE THAT NONE OF IT WAS HIM #and maybe we were meant to agree w Bruce and not Jason in that issue but if that's the case. piss poor job demonstrating it #Bruce never really faces like. interpersonal consequences from the family that last beyond an issue #which is WILD considering the shit he pulled back before they knew he was having a menty b (mental breakdown for those who dont know)#the damian thing is just like. its such clear author bias in ways both lowkey funny and also. not funny. at all #i know a lot of ppl on here didnt vibe w/ batman and robin by joshua williamson but like #i cannot stress enough how he was one of the ONLY ppl in damians corner and now hes leaving that series #he says he approves of the new creative teams assigned but also they're his coworkers. so i dont trust SHIT until its in my hands #anyway one day I'll give a more good faith reading of zdarskys Batman and i do wanna read his daredevil some day #but as it stands he suffers from terminal ''has seemingly never read a comic not abt my special white boys and refuses to try''#which means everyone is going to have to suffer through my haterism #also sorry for no images. i really want to but i just don't have the wherewithal to do alt text rn

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