#my longest biggest hardest picture ever

[cali]

inferno darling groudon supervises the end of a lot of things

crops and a link to this as a print

[sunnys-out]

Coming Back to Me | Kyra Cooney-Cross

A/N: based on this prompt list. Prompt 19: I still need you.

Angst w/happy ending (I couldn't do it to Kyra let's be real)

Warnings: Parental abuse, yelling, gaslighting

Word Count: 1325

You wouldn’t have known that something was off after we won against the Olympic gold medalist, Canada 4-0.

What had happened the night before? Nothing…Nothing was wrong…nothing was different in the eyes of the public. 

Kyra still kept up with the appearances and held my hand and smiled at me when the fans were within eyeline and then immediately dropped both once we got to the locker room. It didn’t go unnoticed by the rest of the team when we both refused to look at one another during team talks.

Kerr tried to talk to me, like a good captain should, but I waved her away sternly, saying “t’s fine, leave us alone”. 

In all reality, it wasn’t fine. Kyra and I had a fight in the late hours before this important game.

My mother never liked Kyra, well she never liked anyone I had ever dated no matter how much they made me happy. Kyra came into my life and after 1 ½ years of dating I had proposed at the beginning of the year…that one increased the amount of vitriol my mother threw at Kyra whenever she would call me not caring if Kyra was within earshot.

My mother “cared” about my career and well controlled it ever since I was little. Every club team was intentional, every camp was important, and my identity became just the sport. Meeting Kyra and falling in love with her was something my mother didn’t want because that meant she was losing her grip on me. 

I had previously been with Olympique Lyonnais for a time and that was something my mother hated. She constantly said that I was doing this all to make her unhappy even though she was doing what was best for me. The move to Arsenal, after some time away in France, was seen as a good move by everyone but it was my mother, who was the “happiest” at my decision…because I was back on track with what she wanted me to be.

I had gotten closer to Kyra at our first Australian camps together back in 2021. We even debuted together in the game against Denmark, grinning to each other as we both took the pitch. She was what I wanted and needed and the returning of myself came so quickly that I didn’t even recognize who I was but I loved it.

My mother caught wind of it as the fans did. While fans were filling my instagram with comments of congratulations or love for our new relationship…my mother was behind it all screaming that I didn’t care for my career and that Kyra was going to destroy everything.

I tried my hardest to hide all of that from Kyra for the longest time, and wanted to enjoy my time with her. 

The way that she snuggled her face into my neck in pictures, how she was my biggest cheerleader when I failed on the pitch, the way that she attempted to make my favorite food and nearly burned our kitchen down, me carrying her on my back to the locker room because she was tired, our holidays together, the nights we spent together…she was everything to me. 

It obviously didn’t last…Kyra was strong but she bore the brunt of it after our 1st year anniversary even though I tried my best to defend her. My mother didn’t care and blamed Kyra for every one of my failures, calling her a distraction, that her Australian call up was nothing in comparison to mine and her career would never reach that of mine. 

Kyra, justifiably, had enough after my mother called me the night before the Canada game. She finally was able to get through to my cell phone after complete radio silence from me since the World Cup started. She had found out about the engagement and screamed for Kyra to get onto the phone. 

After 40 minutes, Kyra looked at me almost angry, “ (y/n), I don’t know how much of this I can take…I really don’t” Before I knew it, we were fighting in our hotel room, she argued that I had to let go of my mother and I argued that my mother has done so much for me that Kyra wouldn’t have understood…I know that it was all manipulation on my mother’s part but when you’ve lived it your whole life it’s hard to actually come to terms with it. 

It ended with Kyra leaving the room, saying “Maybe your mum was right…you don’t need me” and electing to go to Steph’s instead. I didn’t follow her…I should’ve but, like a coward, I only whispered to myself..

“I still need you though, Kyra”

______________________________________________________________

A hand on my shoulder took me out of my thoughts, with a  fake smile on my face, I turned to see the individual in question.

“Hey Ian!” I gave the commentator in front of me a big hug.

“Amazin’ game out there. Hey I already spoke to Steph but might as well also try to rope in the future Missus, congratulations by the way. What I’m saying is we got to get Kyra to Arsenal, we get a great player and you get to have your future missus playing by your side. Told Steph I’ll call my people, just need you both to do the footwork.”

I nod the smile not fading from my face, “yeah I could do that, won’t fail you Ian”. He pats me on the back and leaves me in the tunnel. 

The universe really is cruel. At any other time, this would have been the best news in my life but I had received an email, that morning, from my manager that OL was eyeing to have me back and Kyra was still not speaking to me.

______________________________________________________________

Kyra took her engagement ring from me when the World Cup was over and we both went our separate ways. She only gave me a kiss on the cheek and went back to Sweden. No one was happier than that than my mother whom I ignored the best I could as I spoke with management both at Arsenal and OL.

Kyra arrived to sign with Arsenal in September and she made it a point to see me before she did. I had just left the office with my transfer documents in hand when she grabbed me and yelled through a whisper. 

“(y/n), I heard what you did, look I appreciate it but being on the same team is going to ruin what we have…your mum is going to explode once she finds out If I signed with Arsenal.  I can’t go through that again I-” I stop her as I show her the papers.

“I’m leaving for Olympique Lyonnais, Kyra…I don’t care what my mum thinks. I advocated for this club to sign you because you’ll have a true heart for the team that I never could because of my mum…Lyon is where my love for the game lies…and I can’t lose you, Kyra…If it means playing apart like this then so be it because I still need you in my life Kyra and Im not letting my mum take that away from me…not again.”

She looked at me and her face softened as she pulled me into a gentle kiss and leaned her forehead on mine.

“I love you so much, (y/n)” and with that I hugged her tightly.

“I love you too…and Ian Wright definitely wont once they announce my transfer in a few hours but hey they got KCC” I joke as I give her another peck on the lips.

Kyra pushed my shoulder with a roll of her eyes, “yeah and you got to answer to Caitlin, and Steph about this too”. 

Needless to say, I got some really angry texts from my friends later that evening and my mother probably…but eh who can know if you block the person on everything. 

[zahri-melitor]

Crossposting but I just finished my 2023 Fic Roundup and Analysis.

I often end up doing these late, so look at me getting this out in January for once! (Didn’t want to put it out in December while I was still publishing)

Previous years: 2019, 2020, 2021, 2022

I like to ask myself some questions about what I've written in the past year. Here's my thoughts.

Stories published: 13

Fandoms published: 3 (technically if you look at my AO3 tagged fandoms for the year it’s 8, but I’m just going to group all the DCU together).

It’s ended up being my biggest year in terms of story output; being back in a fandom which is causing me brainrot as far as prompts go and where I have a bunch of mutuals has definitely been helpful for the writing. My longest finished fic ever is now 24,306 words, and I’ve cleared 40k this year. 

In terms of my all time stats: I’ve got three new stories in my top ten as far as kudos go (at 5,7 and 9 as I write this): all the Vorkosigan has dropped below 10th now.

Most popular story: there’s an endless road to rediscover. Given how I wrote this then fussed worrying for several months over what its reception would be, I’m glad it went well, especially as it was my first time tackling Damian characterisation and I wasn’t confident with him yet. It’s doing better than I expected, ranked next to everything else. 

Favourite story written: Um. Hmmm. Part of me wants to say Orange Juice, because I just really enjoyed how fast that one came together, but really it’s the picture frames have changed and so has your name, no question. My most ambitious project, the source of so much brainrot and theorising. The day I figured out how the solution to ‘what happened to Dick’ (because that was the last big moving piece that came together to make the story work - the solution) was a wonderful one, because I kicked my feet with delight and then had to work really really hard not to reveal the secret to everyone I immediately wanted to tell how clever I was. I was SO SMUG.

Best reception: the picture frames have changed and so has your name definitely gets the award here. Everyone was super nice about it, I got to see so much theorising, it’s currently sitting on 116 comment threads, and honestly all the support to push through and get it written was worth it. Came out so good! You were all really generous!

Favourite underrated story: Tea for Two. I just like the balance of how much stuff I layered into it and that it was detailed enough I sent someone who I KNOW is hugely into No Man’s Land scurrying off to the comics to check I had got certain details correct. It was a fun write with very specific goals to hit, and stylistically exactly what I like doing. I also love the concept of the Mother’s Day series and am thinking through what additions I want to make to it in 2024. 

Favourite title: I actually really enjoyed some of my title choices this year, but I absolutely cannot go past I’ll hold your memory in my hands tonight in terms of title. I came up with it, then I giggled, then I thought about how dark the joke was, then I giggled again. Helena held the thank you letter from Tim! Barbara held the plushie of Tim! Dick held Tim’s brain! I’m so awful.

Hardest story to name: bones of a dinosaur, bones of a city I honestly did not know what to call this story, so I ended up essentially opting out of naming it. I think it works, and has joined the storied realms of ‘story titles I’ve invented quotes for’.

Themes I noted in my stories this year: ‘Let’s write about mothers and sisters’ popped out a lot. There’s a lot of death (and discussions of deaths), which unfortunately ties back into the mothers and sisters thing. And a lot of Tim and his relationships with his older siblings: Dick, Barbara, Helena and Cass.

Commentary: well look who fell back into DC fandom and wrote fic. The bunnies attacked and the fandom itself enjoys short stories. On top of that I had, hmm, two ‘sort out the draft I have sitting here and publish it’ stories that went out this year. Becoming Miss Burgeson had been hanging around as an idea more than a story since I finished Invisible Sun in 2021, because not only is Rita Douglas a fascinating character, but also there are SO MANY identity shenanigans over the years in the Burgeson family. Erasmus’ comments on being a Burgeson in particular were the heart of the fic (because everyone forgets Erasmus ALSO is an assumed name). Nobody using the name was born into it and everyone chose to adopt it as a cover. Now Rita’s not nearly the most complex figure here (Miriam’s name situation is even wilder), but due to the complexities of Miriam/Helge’s names, Rita acquired three extra surnames by the transitive nature of being Miriam’s natural daughter. Actually I SHOULD sit down and work out what Rita’s braid name should actually be. I also dusted off Just Skate Figures enough to post the main bits of it, because I was tired of not having the Axel and Minami scene, at least, posted where other people could enjoy it. 

[how-masterful]

31 Fics Of Fright

Day 15- Museum of Memory

Missy X Reader

Prompt: Fear

Notes: Written under the watchful eye of @plethora-of-imagines , i think not only is this the longest fic i’ve written but also my favorite one so far. Writing in the same google doc is so fun!

Warnings: None

When you were seven the biggest concern in your life had been the monster under the bed. The perfect storm of the amalgamation of fears that had swirled and congealed in your ever growing brain. The world around you was changing, not just in the way that you had to keep buying new clothes every growth spurt, but in the outside world too. The universe was evolving, the edges of your reality and science fiction bleeding into something unspeakably confusing. It was like the pictures in your books had come to life, playing upon the news every night.

Your family had tried their hardest, but the world had been changing for years. Alien incursions had been rapidly growing in number, from the terror of shop window dummies coming to life, a giant robot roaming the streets, to the conflicting accounts of what the heck happened to concord.

The news would play the most terrifying reports, giant pictures of these cosmic terrors plastered across every screen you dared to look at. Your dreams were consumed by dark visions of aliens and monsters, robots with eyes on sticks chasing you down the street, dinosaurs biting chunks out of your roof. It frightened you. But you were only small, so young. Who could have blamed you?

Now you were much older, and your view of the dark forces in the universe had shifted rather dramatically.

Not just because you’d seemingly entered into a romantic relationship with one of them.

“Oh, how darling.” Missy preened, approaching the museum with you on her arm.

You had no idea how you’d managed to convince her to join you on your visit. You’d grown rather interested in one of the artifacts they’d had, the rabbit hole of the TARDIS library guiding you onto endless paths of unstoppable research.

Missy found it rather cute how interested you’d become in several elements of history, always ready to amplify your knowledge. Especially if she was able to twist the history into something more exciting- or rather more dangerous.

“They’ve got one of the oldest plates of Vanka here, the entire language can be decoded on it like the Rosetta stone.”

Missy turned to you with an unimpressed expression.

“Dear, you seem to have forgotten about my translation matrix. Can’t we just steal the baby and go?”

“Ah, that's the best part!”

“Oh, is it now-”

“The whole thing’s in code. It’s been hidden under centuries of mistranslations to the point where the original code was lost to time.”

Missy sighed, taking a sip out of the white and green coffee cup. You’d insisted on a coffee and museum date, and the Timelady had been rather interested to see what the fuss was about when it came to pumpkin spice. Safe to say she hadn’t been as thrilled as you were with the fall beverage, kicking at the sprawling leaves on the floor like a disgruntled child.

“I hope the exhibit is better than this coffee.” She muttered, heels elegantly ascending the steps.

“If you don’t like it, why don’t you get rid of it?”

“Alright, where’s the nearest human sized waste bin?”

“Missy!” You cried, faux scandal etched perfectly into your features. Missy grinned, that wicked smirk you loved so dearly, as she pulled you into the exhibit hall.

“I came here once, when I was thirteen.” You said, taking rapid pictures of the disk on your phone. You’d found it finally, wrongly attributed to the ancient Egyptian section. You knew a few people that would be mortified as such a miscatalogue. Missy stood to the side, arms folded as she stared at one of the perfectly wrapped mummies.

“I think I went for drinks with her once.” She muttered to herself, staring down at the corpse.

“I was on a school trip, it was ages ago. We were supposed to write notes about our favorite exhibit and present when we got back.”

“And did you get an A plus on your presentation on fuzzy wuzzy wittle dead penguins?” She teased, inching closer to stare at the circular disk of text.

“Actually I wrote it on the alien artifacts they had upstairs.” You replied absentmindedly, scribbling down observations and notes into a small purple notebook.

Missy instantly perked up, her proverbial ears standing on end like a puppy invited to play fetch.

Instantly she grabbed hold of your arm, physically yanking you away from the disk. You almost dropped your notebook in her tugging, her definite strides causing her heels to clack against the floor with determination.

“Missy, i’m not finished!”

“You can look at the pictures later, you kids and your darn smartphones!” she called over her shoulder with a Texas twang.

“I want to know if they’ve got any of my old stuff!”

You almost tripped over the bottom step as the Timelady began to yank you up the north stairway, her eyes searching for any signage like a hawk searching for prey.

She pulled you into the corridor, looking wildly in each direction until she found exactly what she was looking for. The entranceway looked no different from all those years ago, the giant letters above the curved archway declaring the items inside to be not of earthly origin. Missy tugged you firmly by the wrist into the exhibit.

The memories flooded back into your mind, your much smaller stature wandering in with a combination of wonder and fear. You were in the middle stages, not as scared as you were, but also easily victim to nostalgia. You hadn’t realized you’d stopped in the middle of the walkway until Missy was inches away from your face, staring at you with strange concern.

“Sorry,” You whispered. “Just remembering.”

“Did it frighten you?” She asked calmly, all merriment and dramatics replaced with sincerity.

“When you were a child, did you write that report because you were frightened?”

“I think… I was trying to prove I wasn’t. Y’know, like exposure therapy. Can’t be scared of something if you know exactly what it is.”

Missy smiled, carefully winding your elbow to intertwine with her arm. You watched the small gesture, staring ahead at the darkened corridors with dwindling apprehension.

“Just think,” She began, taking slow steps, guiding you towards the exhibit with distracting grace.

“You’re much older than you were, you’ve seen enough things to make a grown man cry. How many of those old codgers in there have you met with me?”

You pondered for a moment, not realizing just how close you were getting towards the display cases.

“And how many of their asses you’ve kicked. Maybe you’ll see some old favorites. Maybe you’ll know so much more than you did before.”

The mistress guided you to stand in front of the first exhibit. You turned to stare at the old cyberman head, looking the rusted metal up and down. You smiled, looking athe wrought metal of its handlebars. Maybe this was your doing.

“See?” Missy grinned, watching the smile on your face with a new fondness.

“Oh, I remember this!”

You continued to excitedly revisit the exhibits, the terror of your past being replaced by the newfound whimsy of your present. Old foes were new memories, what had given you nightmares as a child had turned into funny encounters that were destined to become family stories. Traversing the exhibit on that Autumn day with Missy had made everything seem so much better. You peered at the old UNIT beret in a cabinet, your attention suddenly stolen away.

“Oh my god, here it is!” You heard Missy shriek behind you, followed by the aggressive smash of glass.

You span around to see the towering glass of the case come crashing down to the floor, spreading across the display floor into a sea of sharp danger. Missy stood on her tiptoes, desperately yanking something off of a wobbling mannequin with her umbrella hooked on her arm, before resulting to pull the bodyform down to her level. You stared in awe as she pulled the large red robe from the figure, admiring the shining silk and black neck sash embossed with the sigils of the star signs.

“I’ve been looking for this for yonks now! That Sargeant Benton in his stupid red trousers, I told him i’d have the last laugh!”

A loud alarm began to blare over the speakers, the shrill chimes of alert making Missy cackle harder with delight.

“Don’t just stand there, grab that golden chain and run!”

You acted on her orders, yanking the goat head chain from the display and following her as she ran back through the exit and out of the door.

“I’ve been hoping to match our Halloween costumes for MONTHS!” she clamored, grinning as you caught up to her side.

“I’ve got this gorgeous sacrificial white dress for you to wear!”

[dxrlingdaydreams]

Elemental Writer Asks

counting @bodoramzap 's unofficial tag as an invitation to do this

tagging: @writeouswriter and @fmarieray

Rumor has is that this once started out as an ask game, but unfortunately I don't know who started it. If it's you, let me know and I'll drop your @!

Water: How did you start writing? Honestly, I started writing in middle school. It began as writing roleplays with my friends, but then I fell in love with characters who's backgrounds I really wanted to explore.

Earth: What do you think is the foundation of your WIP? Honestly, the theme of one's right to equality and representation.

Fire: What’s a scene that you are dying to write? The one that I'm currently stuck on. :)

Air: What’s the easiest part of writing for you? Big picture planning. I can come up with large overarching plots relatively easily, but get lost in the little details.

Shadows: What’s the darkest theme you’ve ever written about? I'm terrible at writing any form of conflict, but the most stomach-churning things I've written are about sexual assault and a graphic description of an execution.

Lightning: What’s the most shocking plot twist you’ve ever come up with? I don't really have an answer for this one, I feel like I never write anything close enough to completion for large plot twists.

Rain: Have you ever made yourself cry with your own writing?  If so, what was it? Literally today, writing about some religious trauma for an OCs background.

Grass: What’s the biggest change you’ve made in your WIP since you started it? It started out as trying to save a person and turned into trying to save a nation.

Ice: What do you always get stuck on when writing? Conflict, conflict, conflict. I'm so happy to work on all other aspects of my work, but the climax escapes me. Always.

Sand: What’s the softest scene you’ve ever written? I think that's yet to be written.

Rock: How do you deal with writer’s block? I don't.

Clouds: How clearly do you picture a scene before you start writing it down? Honestly, I usually wing my writing. I've recently started to put more effort into worldbuilding so that I'm better at establishing scenes.

Metal: What’s the hardest part of writing for you? Oftentimes, coming up with dialogue. That, and stopping myself from overusing reiteration for emphasis.

Space: Where’s your favorite place to write? I love sitting at my desk on a rainy day, with incense burning and a nice beverage. :) I'm into beverages.

Spirit: What’s the best compliment you’ve ever received on your writing? I think the highest compliment to me is always when someone leans into my writing. Like, literally gets closer to it because they're so invested.

Psionics: How do you get into the heads of your characters? I make them playlists or moodboards!

Summer: How do you know when you need a break from writing? When my head aches, my eyes are dry, and my words are blurring together.

Winter: Have you ever written a story based on a holiday?  If yes, which holiday was it for and what was it like? Nope!

Spring: Have you ever scrapped (a huge chunk of) a story to start over?  Why did the change come about? Recently I completely started my longest wip from scratch. I kept the ideas of the OCs but changed their names/personalities/challenges completely.

Fall: Have you ever completely abandoned a WIP?  What led to that decision? I don't ever intentionally abandon my work. I usually get burnt out and tell myself that I'll finish it later. When later comes back around, I end up having a completely different idea that I want to get down.

[mourningwithmagicians]

Dear J,

This is the longest I've gone in adulthood without speaking to you. I know you're thinking about me. I'm constantly thinking about you. It feels like my hurt has gotten so much worse. I hope that for you it has gotten better.

I laid in bed last night and told myself: "this is real life. this is not a dream. he is not yours anymore. this is real life. i hope you realize that. this is a choice. this will affect the rest of your life." I couldn't sleep. I miss you. I miss knowing your arms belonged to me. I miss your head resting on my chest. I miss the smell of your hair. I miss your smile. I miss your sweet voice. I miss your eyes.

I also feel so ugly inside and out. I can't sleep and feel so depressed that you can see it and feel it. I have to drink so much coffee to have even marginal energy. I feel like the worst kind of person. I am working 7-7. Sometimes, I am working 7-8. It's miserable, but it allows me to forget you for large chunks of time. The misery of work makes the loss of you more bearable. It requires me to compartmentalize my feelings until I am in bed and can allow myself the time and space to process.

What I am processing is that I am not okay. I hate myself. I was the best version of myself with you, and I have lost that. I have nothing to look forward to. I don't want to go to chicago, i don't want to go to taylor swift, i don't want to be around people anymore who are not you. fuck it's so hard to listen to their stories and know that everyone knows about us when they don't fucking deserve to know anything. fuck i hate it all. i hate this it's so hard.

im having the hardest time tolerating pictures of knitting and of ceiling fans and hearing about how everyone knows what happened between us. nobody should know. nobody gets to know. i am so mad about that irrationally. if people don't know then it's not real. but it's so much worse like today when someone asked about you, innocently of course. what do i say? it broke my heart. i saw a picture of the group, including us, last year in chicago framed in her home. fuck i hate all of it.

i am just really sad. it's hard telling people that i am okay because i know nobody wants to hear it. nobody wants to hear about how i lost the love of my life because i was selfish. i was wrong. im so sorry. you're the love of my life.

i am so unloveable but you loved me. you touched every part of me. you desired me. you valued me. and sweet J, i loved you. i showed you how much, i still do, i will never make love that way again. nobody ever gets to touch me that way again.

more than anything, i am just so. fucking. numb. so. depressed. so much rage. so much anger and annoyance at everything.

how did you ever love me? im finding it really hard to process that. i am not a good person. i am not patient, i am not kind. i was not there for us in the home stretch. we could've been married right now. i still want to have your babies. i wish we would've just done that fuck it all and just lived our lives.

this will be my biggest regret. i am unloveable and horrible and you took all that away from me and now it's all back. i hate the version of myself i am without you basically a living breathing shit filled monster. i dont want anybody else i want you.

[justsahina]

Turning 30 today has lived up to being the anxiety inducing milestone I thought it would be. But, over the course of the last few weeks, I started a ’30 for 30’ list - to jot down 30 things I’ve learnt in my life so far - the good, the bad and everything in between. The first one, is the one I’ve carried with me the longest, and has meant the most to me. It’s the one that will pull me back out and keep me going for a year ahead dedicated to not just surviving, but thriving.

1. ‘You survive the days you didn’t think you could.’

2. Happiness really is a choice.

3. Embrace who you were, because it’s made you who you are.

4. Cats can cure depression.

5. Spend money on experiences rather than things.

6. Putting your faith, like really putting your faith in Allah and surrendering your fears to Him, is the hardest but most rewarding part of your journey.

7. Setting boundaries will lose you friends - even best friends - set them anyway. You do come first.

8. Never ever settle for anything - whether that’s for respect, friendships, jobs, security, or love.

9. Life is far too short to hold yourself back from fulfilling the big and small things that make you happy.

10. Accepting chaos in your life and letting it happen as and when it does, takes the pressure of expecting it each time.

11. By giving yourself permission in life to be who you are, you also get the permission of people in your life to be who they truly are with you.

12. Don’t be kind just because you don’t know what someone else may be struggling with. Be kind because that’s the kind of person you want to be remembered as.

13. Invest in your akhira - always always always pay your zakat.

14. You will never ever regret spending more time with your parents, no matter how hard it seems at the time. Your small moments with them, are big memories for them.

15. ‘You can’t heal in the place that hurt you’.

16. Your failures will not kill your dreams, but your insecurities will so get that under control. Those are thoughts, not facts.

17. Falling in love and having your heart broken can be the end of your world then, but once you’ve healed (and with time, you absolutely do), it can be the beginning of a new one.

18. Make a will. Think about death (not in a morbid way) but as a way to sort out your affairs for the akhira.

19. The perfect man does not exist, but the perfect man for you does.

20. A tumble dryer is the best gadget in the house, hands down.

21. I’m thankful for the struggles that have shaped me into the person I am.

22. Being an aunt was one of the best things to have ever happened to me.

23. You are not the main character in someone else’s story and that’s okay.

24. I’ve resigned from two jobs when I wasn’t being valued the way I deserved to be - I’m here to tell you, it’s okay to be that quitter.

25. Love yourself harder than you’ll love anyone else and your glass will always be full to the brim. I used to like who I was before, happy with myself and choices - but after moving out and really finding myself in my own space, I’ve come to love the softest parts of me that I never let turn hard when the world threw shit at me. People will have you believing that being soft is a bad thing - when really it’s their biggest fear that you continue to be kind in the face of a hard world that turned them - but not you. Stay soft.

26. There are people who won’t like you simply because you’re a reminder of everything they’re not. Ignore these people.

27. The world could be falling to pieces, cataclysmic events, asteroids in the air - and I’ll still make a to-do list as if that could fix anything and everything.

28. Do all the things you don’t want to do first, so you can have the things you want to do as something to look forward to later.

29. You’re always just one decision away from changing the trajectory of your life.

30. Pay attention to the smaller details of the bigger picture.

[worksleeplove]

I know that when I have to let you go that I will never be the same. You took most of who I am with you. You'll forever have the biggest piece of my being. I love you more than anything in existence. This is the hardest thing I have ever had to do. This will be the longest road traveled. I'm terrified to say the least, as I never pictured this lifetime without you. I feel so hopeless. I don't want to let you go. I feel so much. It's too hard to sleep with such a heavy heart, and I just want you. I'm not sure where this life will take us..but I do pray that in another one we meet again. I will forever love you. You forever have my heart. 💔

[hyunpic]

“oh hyunjin.. he’s really pretty when he smiles, hyunjin is kind of.. should i say it’s like a sincere laugh? there’s no fakeness when he smiles. he has a smile that brings your heart at peace“ - bang chan

happy birthday my hyunjin. i know i will never be able to tell you this directly and yet it also feels so silly to rant on here about it. but yet here i am. i often think of the day you said you don’t feel like you are anything special and yet we love you so much, so i wanted to let you know why i do think you are something special.

“i engrave your name in my heart for the first time after counting how much i love you”

firstly i want to thank you for always being here for us. you sending reminders on bubble to eat and saying goodnight and just making sure to ask everything is alright means so much. you don’t even know how big of an impact that makes on people’s lives. you take that feeling of loneliness with you when you do so. it might feel like the most longest or hardest day after work for you at 2am and yet you still make sure to care for us like that. there’s not a day that goes by that you don’t hold yourself back by letting us know somehow that you love us. you have the heart of gold and your love rains on us so beautifully. [at least that’s what i want to believe and i don’t think anyone can take that away from me.]

you got a place in your heart for loving us but also.. i love you for always being there for your members too: always mentioning them every chance you get, always hyping them up when they achieve something: little or big - being their biggest fanboy. how you are thankful of every little thing that’s happening in your life, how you observe and listen to people around you and pay attention to every situation or conversation that is happening. not to mention how much you adore your little kkami (and kkomi too), it’s the most endearing and pure thing to see. you’d do anything for your loved ones. your heart is so big and you have so much love to give for the world and people around you.

also since from the beginning of your career you have never given up on any hardships… like whatever the world throws at you: you’ll endure it, work through it and come back stronger than ever and prove everyone wrong. i really admire that.

“you’ll always be beside me, i’ll cherish this happiness you gave me”

you are so talented. the way your artistry flows through your body when you move and perform on the stage. the way you dance never fails to amaze me. your body tells me a story when you perform a choreography and it really touches my soul. every move of yours that hits the beat comes from a place of passion and it’s a joy to see. and even if there’s millions of people praising you about your talent, you still manage to stay humble about it. you don’t let any of it get to your head and you stay real and down to earth. that’s a talent of its own.

i adore you being so passionate about your hobbies and everything you do: whether it’s dancing and how you always perfect every move, painting heart fluttering things, making songs that mean so much to you and come from a place of love and care, taking pictures of your loved ones with your camera... etc. you put 110% of you in it, never less and it shows in everything you do. the way you just put your mind to it all. that kind of determination from you is what inspires me the most and what gives me so much in life. it’s silly but i don’t think i would be here right now in my dream school if it wasn’t for you always pushing the agenda of putting your all on into the things you love. like you made me want to believe in myself too and i knew i could achieve my goals just by putting my mind into it and im really so thankful for you showing this side of yours to us.

“the gentle, exciting breeze blowing makes me smile, you hugged me when i was cold”

im so into how you love everything to be handmade by you, spilling yourself in everything you own or everything around you: dance steps, bracelets on your own and loved ones wrists, phone cases, gifts from your own creations. you want to leave a mark in the world. but little do you know how you have already left a mark in all of our hearts and it’ll stay there forever - at least for me. i’ll always cherish the time you decide to spend with us: how it all feels like getting a pat on the shoulder and getting told that everything is gonna be fine. love and comfort is always present with you, you feel like poetry and i can see that in your eyes. you didn’t create the phrase ‘love stay’ with no reason.. you make that phrase so meaningful with every little thing in you. you are made out of love.

“someday i’ll get exhausted and cry, fall down and feel pain again, it doesn't matter, once again - i can endure by looking at you, cause i love you”

i also love all the little things about you too.. how your eyes turn into crescent moons when you laugh so hard. when you are thinking so much that you frown and those little wrinkles appear in between your brows… how your whole face squashes down when you are extremely happy. the little whisker dimples that appear in between your cheeks and lips when you smile in a certain way. that little button nose of yours which looks like it’s the most fresh bun that’s come from the oven and it’s calling for sprinkles of sugar on top of it. every little mole on your face that would make the perfect map if you’d just connect them all. how your eyes twinkle when you see something that is important to you. how your skin glows after you have done something you have worked so hard for. how you just always show everything with your whole body that you are feeling and the effects of that is always showing on you - you always seem to be so alive, everything painted on you with care and that all is so special about you. i love and adore you so much and everything about you is so special to me. thank you for all of your constant hard work and all the smiles and excitement you never fail to bring in to my life with the things you share and do 💓

“i will walk with you at your pace, cause i love stay you”

special thank u to @hyune & @izayaki for helping me out with some of these clips 💞 i couldn’t of had pulled through without you two <3 mwah ily

[pineapple-hoseok]

Happy Birthday!

Pairing: Yoongi x f!reader

Genre: A whole lot of fluff, soft Yoongi, 13+

Warnings: Some cuss words and Yoongi being a lovesick puppy

Word Count: 3.7k (wow that’s the longest one shot I’ve ever written)

Summary: It’s your birthday and Yoongi doesn’t know what to get you. He has a huge crush on you and he wants everything to be perfect.

---

Your birthday was tomorrow. You knew it, your best friend knew, the boys knew it, Yoongi knew it. How could Yoongi forget one of the most important days of the year? Well, it wasn’t as important as everyone was hyping it up to be, but it was for Yoongi. Especially because he had the biggest crush on you since Jimin introduced you to him and the others over a year ago. And he was going to use this day to finally tell you how he felt, using the advice Jimin gave him.

The only problem was, he didn’t know what gift to get you. You were supposed to be meeting up at their dorm tomorrow afternoon so they could celebrate with you and Minah, one out of two of your best friends, and he still had no idea what to buy.

Even as he stood in the middle of the shopping mall about a mile from the dorm, he was clueless and running out of time. So he did what he thought of as a last resort and dialed a number.

The boy on the other line answered with a tired ‘Hello?’, making it clear to Yoongi that he had just woken up from a nap. “Jimin-ah, I need your help.”

“Are you trying to find a gift for Y/N but you have no idea what to get her so you’re calling me to see if I can give you an idea of what to buy since I’m her best friend and I know her better than she knows herself?” That left Yoongi speechless.

Jimin knew of the older boy’s crush on you, hell, all the boys did. Even Minah, who was also one of the densest people in all of Korea, knew. Everyone could tell by the way Yoongi’s mood would lift every time you walked into the room, his obvious attempts of getting closer to you on movie nights, spending hours in his studio showing you songs he’d been working on, even letting you hear him sing after he swore he didn’t have the ability to. And when you told him you loved his songs and his voice, he felt his heart do a backflip in his chest. But somehow, you didn’t notice.

“How the fuck did you know that?” Jimin rolled his eyes so hard, Yoongi could practically hear it.

“You’re so easy to read when it comes to her, hyung.” The Busan boy sighed, sitting up in his bed once he realized he wasn’t getting any more sleep. “You already know Y/N’s really into photography, and I just happen to know her camera just broke. She needs a new one.”

Yoongi’s eyes widened, wondering to himself how he didn’t think of that before. “Thanks Jiminie, I owe you.” Jimin mumbled a simple ‘hell yeah you do’ and hung up the phone, but not without reminding Yoongi how much he loved him. The older male externally gagged, but internally smiled.

He knew you would never accept a brand new camera from him, but he was going to force you to take it, since he knew how much photography meant to you. He couldn’t live with himself if he knew you couldn’t do the thing you loved, and that he had a way to help. So he walked into Best Buy and made a beeline to the camera section. He knew absolutely nothing about cameras, but he was lucky to have a worker show him the best one for taking 4K pictures. Yoongi thought you’d really like an upgrade from your previous camera, which was kinda crappy considering that you got it for cheap.

Oh yeah, Yoongi thought, Y/N is definitely going to kill me. The boy, who usually kept his feelings to himself, found himself smiling at the thought of what your reaction would be. You’d definitely give him the worst death glare you could muster up, but he knew you would be actually trying your hardest not to cry. So as he swiped his credit card in the card reader, his excitement to give you this gift only grew.

Yoongi sat at his desk later that night, ignoring the calls of all the boys and their questioning of the bag he had in his hands. He pulled out a piece of paper and a pen, getting to work on the second half of his gift for you.

Meanwhile, you were laying on Minah’s bed while staring up at the ceiling, your best friend sitting on her desk chair. You had no idea what she was doing, but you didn’t question it. Everyone seemed to be keeping something from you lately. First, Minah begged you to sleep over, then you caught her talking to Jimin on the phone about god knows what. Now, she was telling you that the two of you were going over to the boys’ dorm because she forgot her favorite sweater there.

You fished your phone out of your pocket and texted the only person you thought you could get information out of.

If Hoseok didn’t know anything, that means they probably kept him out of it. He was probably the worst liar you had ever met, he couldn’t keep a secret to save his life. But you dropped the subject as soon as Minah stood up from her desk chair. She gestured for you to move over so she could get in the bed too. Back in Busan, you, Minah, and Jimin had been sleeping in the same bed since you all were in diapers, so this wasn’t weird at all to either of you.

“Minah?” You spoke in a soft voice, causing the girl to turn to look at you.

“What’s up?”

You bit your lip, thinking for a second. “What if everyone forgot my birthday? The only person that has said anything about it was Hoseok.”

Minah had to keep herself from smiling. “I’m sure everyone remembers, there’s still a half hour until your actual birthday. Don’t worry, okay?”

You took her word for it, trying your best to calm your racing thoughts. For the next half hour, you and Minah talked about memories you both had from middle school, including the time the two of you drew all over Jimin’s face in middle school when he fell asleep in class. He was still holding a grudge against the two of you for that.

Before you knew it, the alarm clock on Minah’s bedside read twelve am.

Minah jumped up and wrapped her arms around you, screaming ‘happy birthday!’ so loudly in your ear that you were sure her neighbors heard her. You laughed, the girl’s strength knocking you down on the bed while you hugged her back.

“Thank you, now get off of me!” As soon as she did, your phone rang. It was your parents calling you from Busan to wish you a happy birthday. You thanked them, making sure to tell them that you were gonna visit soon before you hung up. Other than that, you had no more calls. Not even from the person you wanted to call you the most, Yoongi.

Everyone knew about your crush on Yoongi, the two of you were really bad at hiding your feelings. But apparently you weren’t, because neither you nor Yoongi knew how the other felt.

Every time you hung out with him and the boys, you always found yourself smiling more than usual whenever he talked to you. And the moments you two spent in his studio listening to a song he wanted to show you only made your stomach fill with butterflies. He seemed to get you more than anyone else did, not even Minah and Jimin. You also couldn’t forget how gentle he always was with you, despite what people have said about him having a cold exterior. Whenever you had a movie night with the boys, Yoongi would always end up sitting next to you, even sharing his blanket with you when you got cold. He’d scold you whenever he caught you speaking badly about yourself, telling you never to do that again. Whenever you were upset and needed comfort, he always let you call him no matter what time of night it was. You couldn’t help but fall for him, which is why you felt disappointed when you didn’t get a text or call from him at midnight.

Your lips turned down in a small frown, but Minah didn’t notice. Instead, she explained that the two of you should sleep so you could go to the boys’ dorm early in the afternoon. You turned onto your side, pulling the covers over your shoulder as you closed your eyes and let sleep take over you.

--

You woke up to the sound of a higher pitched male voice singing happy birthday. As your eyes opened, you noticed it was Jimin singing to you while holding a cupcake with a single candle in it, Minah smiling widely behind him. They gave you a second to sit up in Minah’s bed, a wide smile taking over your features. You closed your eyes, making a single wish before blowing out the candle on the cupcake Jimin was holding out for you. He set it on the nightstand, allowing you to jump into your best friend’s arms and thank him profusely. Jimin’s arms picked you up and lifted you off of the bed, spinning you around once before setting you down on the floor.

“Happy birthday, loser.” You laughed, reaching up to ruffle the boy’s hair.

“Yah, that’s noona to you.” You honestly didn’t care about honorifics, but you did it just to tease Jimin about your one year age difference like you always did. He rolled his eyes, pushing your hand away from him while you laughed even more.

“Now go brush your teeth and put on something nice after you shower, you stink.” Minah pushed you towards her bathroom, leaving you confused. If you guys were only going to the dorm to pick up her sweater, why did you need to wear something nice? At this point you learned not to question anything Minah said, so you just went along with it and started getting ready.

About an hour later, you were dressed in a black skirt and a matching black blouse that you found in Minah’s closet after you forgot your clothes at your house. All you did to your hair was brush it out and style it a little, but you liked the way the wavy style looked on you. Once you stepped out of the room, you found Jimin and Minah whispering about something, with Jimin briefly looking down at his phone.

After you cleared your throat to get their attention, they turned to look at you.

“Perfect, let’s go.” Jimin grabbed your hand and brought you over to the door, telling you to put on the black low top vans you came in before leading you and Minah to his car. Throughout the entire car ride to Bangtan’s apartment building, Minah kept bouncing excitedly in her seat. Jimin on the other hand, kept telling her to stop before he threw her out of his porsche.

Soon enough, the three of you arrived at the building, making your way up the familiar elevator before walking down the hall. You were about to put in the code to the front door before Jimin slid in front of you so he could do it himself. What a child.

He sent a quick text from his phone before putting in the door code. The lights were off inside the big apartment, and you wondered where the boys were. Were they all out and Jimin was the first one home? Dismissing the thought, you took your shoes off at the entrance and put on the slippers the boys got you a few months into your friendship with them. You were about to start looking for Minah’s sweater until all of a sudden, the lights turned on and six boys jumped up screaming.

“Surprise!” You would’ve fell on your ass if it wasn’t for Minah who caught you from behind, everyone laughing at your reaction. All around you were balloons and streamers in an array of colors, the entire living area of the dorm looking festive.

You started tearing up, your hand fanning your eyes as you looked around at the seven boys -- plus Minah -- that planned this surprise party for you.

“You guys did all of this for me?” They all nodded, all of them running over to hug you before you could burst into tears. You hugged all of them individually, each boy wishing you a happy birthday. Hoseok came up to you, wrapping his arms around you in a friendly hug. Aside from Jimin, Hoseok was the next boy you considered as one of your closest friends in Bangtan.

“I swear, Y/N, I didn’t know anything about this until an hour ago.” You laughed, hugging the boy tightly.

Next was Yoongi. He walked up to you with a smile on his face, holding his arms out for a hug. Your arms wrapped around his neck as his wrapped around your waist, your heart doing backflips and somersaults in your chest.

“I’m sorry I didn’t call you to say happy birthday at midnight, they took my phone so I couldn’t contact you and ruin the surprise,” He spoke, his lips right next to your ear making his soft voice send shivers through your body. You hugged him for a second longer than the other boys before pulling back from the hug.

“It’s okay, I wasn’t worried.” That was a lie, but you decided that Yoongi didn’t need to know that.

The two of you walked over to the living room where the rest of the party was, your body immediately taking a seat next to Seokjin when he offered you one of the switch remotes to play Mario Kart with him.

That’s how the party went for the next few hours. A Mario Kart tournament between you and your eight friends took up a lot of the time, but you ended up beating everyone. You knew all of them had let you win, because there was no way you could beat Seokjin, Jungkook, AND Taehyung. But you didn’t mind, you got a crown made out of paper as your prize.

At last, it was gift opening time. Everyone sat on the living room floor, letting you use the couch as your throne as you opened each gift.

“I told you guys not to get me anything.” You whined, earning a bunch of comments from the peanut gallery to shut up and open your gifts.

So that’s what you did, starting with a gift from Jungkook. He got you the new pair of vans you’ve been wanting and were telling him about last week. Taehyung got you a gucci necktie to match his, Hoseok got you a pin that says ‘I <3 New Zealand’ from when they visited the year before (which you laughed at), Seokjin got you an Eevee plushie to match his, Namjoon got you a copy of the book he was reading which you asked him for a while ago, and Jimin got you a signed cd of his single ‘Promise’. After each of the boys gave you their gifts, you hugged each of them and made sure to tell them how much you really liked everything.

Then Yoongi gave you his. It was in a wrapped box and it felt heavy. You prayed that he didn’t get you something expensive, after you specifically told everyone not to buy you anything expensive. But you carefully opened it anyway, the wrapping paper revealing the box of a brand new Canon camera. A chorus of surprised sounds came from everyone, your eyes widening while looking down at the box. This camera was a huge upgrade from the shitty one you had before, which broke after some random guy bumped into you while you were taking pictures one day.

“Min Yoongi, I’m gonna kill you.” You mustered the best death glare you could give him. If looks could kill, the boy would be six feet under by now.

“Well I’m not taking it back, and there’s no refunds or returns so you have to accept it.” He wore a smug smile on his face that you wanted so badly to wipe off completely. You would definitely murder him in his sleep later.

You set the box down next to you and sighed in defeat, going over to hug him too.

“Thank you, it really means a lot to me.” Your voice was soft as you thanked him, and you could feel him smile against your cheek. You were about to go back to your seat when Yoongi stopped you.

“Actually, there’s something else I have for you,” He looked around at the curious eyes of everyone staring up at him, “in private.”

This set off another chorus of ‘woah’s from all of the boys, Minah only snickering in the corner. After telling them all to shut up, Yoongi stood and gestured for you to follow him to his room. You stood and followed closely behind him, ignoring the stares you felt on the back of your head.

Yoongi led you into his room and closed the door behind him so you two would have privacy. Your heart was beating wildly in your chest, wondering why he brought you here.

“So I kinda wrote you a small note, and I didn’t want you to read it in front of everyone so I brought you here.” He reached into his back pocket and pulled out a folded piece of paper, handing it to you with red cheeks. You didn’t know how to react except for responding with a small ‘thank you’ before opening the note.

Dear Y/N,

I kinda feel like an idiot writing this letter to you, but I didn’t know how else to tell you. Okay I’m just gonna say it, I like you. Like really like you. I like spending time with you, whether it’s with the boys or alone, I like showing you the songs I’m working on, I like when you sit close to me on movie nights, I like when you smile and literally light up any room you walk into, I like how little strands of your hair fall into your eyes and you don’t even notice it, I like the way your dimples pop out every time you smile, I like everything about you. I really like the way I feel when I’m around you, like I get this tingly feeling in my stomach and I can feel my heart do little flips in my chest, and I just feel really happy when I’m around you. Everything in me just wants to keep you happy, because you look really beautiful when you smile, and your laugh is probably more contagious than Hoseok’s (and that’s saying a lot). My point is, I’m wearing my heart on my sleeve right now and I just wanted to ask you something.

P.S: Look back up at me when you’re done reading this.

You had tears in your eyes by the time you looked back up at a nervous Yoongi, his hands shoved in his front pockets to keep himself from fidgeting with them.

“Now that you know my feelings, will you please be my girlfriend?” Yoongi couldn’t tear his eyes away from yours, not until he heard your answer. Right now, he was giving his heart to you in hopes that you wouldn’t break it. He was revealing a vulnerable side of him that only you got to see, and that he had never shown anyone.

You smiled as a few tears slipped past your eyelids, which made Yoongi immediately go into panic mode.

“Oh shit, did I do something? I’m so sorry, I shouldn’t have done that-“ You cut him off by chuckling lightly, shaking your head.

“Shut up and kiss me, idiot.” Your hands reached up to rest on his cheeks, pulling his face closer to yours until your lips met his. Almost immediately, his hands rested on your waist, pulling your body closer to his.

The kiss lasted a little less than ten seconds before both of you hesitantly pulled back just enough to look at each other’s faces.

“Yes,” You spoke softly, causing a confused look to take over Yoongi’s face. Laughing lightly, you realized he completely forgot about his question. “I’ll be your girlfriend.”

Yoongi smiled his gummy smile that you absolutely adored, his arms wrapping around your waist to hug you again. The size of your smile mirrored his as your hands ran through his hair.

“You have no idea how long I’ve been waiting for this.” His head pulled back, leaning down to kiss you again. You broke the kiss after a second, though, much to his dismay.

“As much as I just want to kiss you all night, we have a crowd of people waiting for us outside.” Yoongi whined, only making you laugh more. But you were serious about going back out there, taking hold of his hand and walking back out of his room. The two of you walked hand in hand back to the living room, smiling at all of the surprised faces staring back at you.

“Finally!” Jimin called out, earning himself a slap on the back of the head from Seokjin. But everyone agreed with Jimin’s opinion, congratulating you and Yoongi.

You all decided to end the night with cake and a movie. Everyone called for you to pick the movie while Minah got up to grab the cake in the kitchen, so you picked ‘Toy Story 2’ again. They all started complaining, but you just smiled and pressed play on the screen.

Instead of sitting on the couch like you normally would’ve, you decided to sit on the floor in between Yoongi’s legs, leaning your back against his chest. You felt two strong arms wrap around your waist, looking back to see your now boyfriend looking back down at you with a smile on his face. Making sure no one was looking, you leaned up to quickly kiss his waiting lips before resting your head back on his shoulder, your arms resting on top of his.

This was officially the best birthday ever.

[simonsrosebud]

Okay you can’t just make the “put a ring on it” comment and NOT think I’m gonna obsess over it - do they get engaged at some point? Who would ask who?

don’t worry, i’ve obsessed over it for days, now, but alas, here we go...

PUT A RING ON IT

the us court has been in london for the 2012 olympics for three weeks now.  and there are still things that kevin can’t comprehend.  he’d heard the stories, but the olympic village is exactly as described:  a mini town where anyone and everyone is hooking up, and where almost no one is sober after completing their events.  and since the schedules for each sport are so different, there are parties going on 24/7 without exaggeration.

it’s almost like a college campus, except every day was a friday night.

which is why kevin makes sure to score a single suite.  he socializes, sure, but he always ends up back and neil and andrew’s side.  they’re the only two he knows of- because he isn’t there to make friends, that has zero interest in the parties.  and neil is the only one he knows who refuses to drink until after all of their games are over.

it’s safe to say it’s the hardest three weeks he’s had to endure.  going from the excitement of playing to almost shutting himself back into his or neil’s room so he’s not surrounded by alcohol.  it’s suffocating.

but calls with dalton help, and he doesn’t know if someone suggests it, but he gets calls from a lot of the foxes often as well to keep him busy.  it keeps him sane.

the closing ceremonies are supposed to be the biggest party and celebration of the whole time, which is why he sneaks dalton in.  he doesn’t think he’ll be able to at first, but apparently he’s still a big deal at the olympics among all of the other athletes, so he’s got some pull.

he drapes his gold medal around dalton’s neck before kissing him.  “longest three weeks of my life.”  he mumbles.

kevin snorts.  “yeah, you’re telling me.”

the next morning, the us court moves out of the olympic village.  it’s a draining day filled with interviews and press work, but eventually they’re free to leave.

the majority of the team goes home to the states.  these three meet up with their family in london for the rest of the day.

as in, the foxes.

they’d all flown out, including wymack, abby, betsy, and even dalton’s family, and had been staying in hotel suites almost right outside the main stadium.  (yes this includes katelyn, nicky and erik).  they all go out to dinner somewhere where andrew, of all people, had basically rented out the whole restaurant.  kevin posts a series of pictures from the games and up on the winning podium, and then one last one with dalton wearing his medal.

the next morning is when they finally go home.  kevin and dalton pick up and drop off lilly from her dog-sitter and drop her off with renee before leaving again right after.  this time they fly to colorado.

were they just in london for 2-3  weeks?  yes, but it was a hectic 2-3 weeks for everyone.  they need a breather.

plus, they don’t have work yet.  it’s still summer.

they sleep the whole day they get there, still jet lagged, and kevin wraps himself around dalton in their bed.  they rented a small cabin on the lake.

and then he’s up early the next day, because he’s stressed.  he let’s dalton sleep, and after having some ~fun~ after he wakes up, kevin can barely bring himself to pull his lips away.  but kevin has plans.

“you wanna get dressed?  i have plans.”

when dalton goes to the bathroom kevin checks the side table for the third time that morning.

and when they get in the rental car, he’s subtly checks his pocket three times by the time they get there.

they go to a lake that dalton can’t remember the name of, but the views are so immaculate that he doesn’t really care.  or even remember to care.  the mountains are practically surrounding them and he thinks that colorado will always be the most beautiful place he sees.

they walk along the lake, there’s another young couple trailing along nearby.  the girl has a camera.  should he have gotten a photographer?

he brushes it off.  they stop at one point and sit on the edge of a rock with their feet hanging off.  the water isn’t that far, maybe five feet below them.

dalton rests his head down on kevin’s shoulder.  “i’m so proud of you.  i don’t know if i’ve said it yet.”

god, he loves this man. kevin kisses the side of dalton’s head.  they sit there for an hour, sometimes talking, sometimes not.  and when they get up, kevin holds dalton’s face.  “hey, i love you.”

dalton smiles.  he kisses him.  “i love you, k.”

kevin kisses him again.  “thank you for everything you’ve ever done for me.” he should have practiced.  “and- i mean, everything.  you’ve always just… accepted me, for who i am, and loved me for who i am.  you make me the best version of myself, and the happiest.  i- you’re the reason i know how to love and i don’t care how hallmark that is.”  his thumb taps dalton’s lip.  dalton takes one of kevin’s hands in his and kisses his knuckles.  he hasn’t caught on yet.  “when i told you about every dark corner of my life you stayed.  and not only that but you helped me get better, and get over a shit ton of obstacles.  i don’t know how to thank you for it, even now.”

“don’t have to thank me,” he whispers.

kevin smiles.  “i know, but i want to.”  he pauses.  “remember when i didn’t understand why you wanted to stay, after i told you everything?”  dalton nods with a slight frown.  “and you said, i want you as long as you’ll have me.”

dalton starts to smile, as if he’s catching on to what might happen.

kevin reaches with one hand into his pocket.  “i want you for the rest of my life, d,”  he whispers, and dalton’s eyes are tearing up as he pulls the ring box from his pocket and lowers down to one knee.  “will you marry me?”

and dalton lets out a cry, a happy one, “that’s a ring, kevin day,” he whispers, and nods.  “yes.  yes, come here.”  he leans down and kisses kevin, “of course i’ll marry you.” and he pulls kevin to stand so that he can hug him.

kevin laughs, relieved and happy.  he wipes away the little tears on dalton’s cheeks and kisses him.  dalton’s hand is shaking as he slides the ring on.  people are cheering.

wait, what?

kevin turns, arm around dalton’s waist, and there are three people cheering from canoes.  one of them is standing, whistling.  “yeah, kevin day!  that’s our olympian!”

dalton’s laughing, grinning at kevin, who’s smiling so hard it hurts.  he turns kevin’s head to kiss him.  “that’s my olympian.”

and after a few minutes of just standing in pure bliss, the girl with the camera approaches them.  “i hope you don’t mind, i happened to get some pictures of the proposal, if you want i could email them to you?  and i-i can take some engagement pictures of you guys real quick?  if you wanted?”  kevin can tell she’s a fan, but he uses it to their advantage because he can tell dalton wants to say yes.

the rest of the day, all dalton can do is stare at his ring, at kevin, and at the pictures.  when they’re lying in bed, bare and sheets pulled up just past their waists, dalton has his arm around kevin who’s lying on his chest.  his left hand is outstretched, and he’s got love in his eyes.  “i can’t believe you just did that,” he says.

kevin, eyes closed, hums.  “it was the scariest thing i’ve done in years,” he mumbles.

“you literally just competed in the olympics.”

“i’m well aware.  do you not want to be more important?”

dalton grins, wiggling his fingers.  it’ll be a miracle if kevin can get him to not look at the ring for longer than five minutes.  “no, no, i’ll accept it.”

“good.”  kevin picks up his head so he can press a kiss to dalton’s chin.

[amphipodgirl]

Writer Tag Game

Thank you for tagging me @captain-aralias !

I tag @sillyunicorn @omgcmere @carryonsimoncarryonbaz @palimpsessed @aristocratic-otter as well as the people I mention in my answers below -- but only if you’re in the mood.

how many works do you have on AO3? 20, split between two accounts (one nsfw, one sfw)

what’s your total AO3 word count? 151,533 since March 2020

how many fandoms have you written for and what are they? 4 that I’ve really written something for -- Carry On (the vast majority of my fics); For Real by Alexis Hall; the Arden St. Ives series by Alexis Hall; and Docile by K.M. Szpara. There are also two that I’ve only tagged in crossovers -- the Book of Exodus and Mark Steel’s in Town.

what are your top 5 fics by kudos? 

Parent-Teacher Association

Soul Bands

Bonfire Night

Coffee 

Mi Chamoca (Who Is Like You)

They’re all SFW Carry On fics.

do you respond to comments, why or why not? Almost always! I love love getting comments and want to at least thank the person for taking the time. Sometimes they say something more detailed about my fic and then I get to natter on for a while, which is fun. My favorite thing is exchanges of detailed comments and responses, whether it’s my fic or someone else’s. I have a lovely friendship that started with me writing thousands of words of comments on someone else’s fic as it came out chapter by chapter.

what’s the fic you’ve written with the angstiest ending? I only write happy endings.

have you ever received hate on a fic? No, I’m glad to say!

do you write smut? if so what kind? Oh yes! There’s almost always a D/s element of some kind. The biggest exception is my recently-published What Love Sounds Like -- canon (Docile) is almost all non-con and dub-con and the fic is all about the characters trying to build a functional, equal, consensual relationship and even consensual D/s would be very challenging for them because of their history. Most of my smut is pwp, but I’ve recently starting having more of a story. Serves Me Right had some plot, though it was still all about the relationships. What Love Sounds Like has a tech/business plot thread and some family and friend relationship stuff in addition to the smut and the romance plot thread. It’s my longest fic to date and I’m very proud of it. Tasting Menu is my favorite PWP.

have you ever had a fic stolen? not that I know of

have you ever had a fic translated? Not yet. 

I will add a question here:

what about other related works (podfics, spinoffs, remixes, art, etc.)? When I wrote I’ll Melt With You, @xivz did a podfic and @kirito-potter did art at my request -- it was a group birthday project for @peachpit-gabe. @knitbelove wrote a fic inspired by Mi Chamocha and @knitbelove and @super-duper-twelve both did unsolicited art for it. I’ve also commissioned art by @peachpit-gabe for a few of my fics. I highly recommend commissioning art if you can afford it -- it feels so good to have your stuff made into pictures, and it’s a good way to support fan artists. It can draw new readers, too.

have you ever co-written a fic before? No, but I’d be open to it.

what’s your all time favorite ship? That I’ve actually written? Right now I’m all about Alex/Elisha from Docile. I also really love Arden/Caspian from the Arden St. Ives books, but even though I’ve written a fic for the series, it wasn’t those two. I’ll always have a soft spot for Snowbaz; Carry On was my first real fandom. I love love love reading Pynch (Raven Cycle) but haven’t written any. And I’ve adored Spuffy for decades.

what’s a WIP that you want to finish but don’t think you ever will? I’ve started a sequel to PTA called The Longest Time. I really love that AU and their story cries out for more, but Carry On is really not my focus any more.

what are your thoughts on writing dialogue in other languages in a fic? I could do small amounts in a language I knew (Hebrew, French, and maybe Spanish) but honestly I don’t see the point -- most readers won’t understand it.

what’s your favorite fic you’ve written? God, that’s a hard question. If I *have* to pick just one, I guess Mi Chamocha? But I really love What Love Sounds Like, PTA, Soul Bands, Serves Me Right, and Bonfire Night too.

I’m gonna add another question because I want to answer it:

Do you ever make anything else for your fics? (art, playlists, moodboards, banners, etc.) I’ve done moodboards for a couple of fics, and I do banners for most of them. I’m not artistic or musical enough for art or playlists. I did detailed author’s notes for Mi Chamocha.

And I’m adding this mostly to see my friends’ answers:

What fic was hardest to write? Mi Chamocha was my first really long fic and had some thorny consent issues that gave me writer’s block for a while. And I thought that the double fake-dating plot in Bonfire Night was going to make my head explode -- but then I bought Scrivener and things got easier.

[moody-bloosh]

Idol Group: La Squadra di Esecuzione

have some headcanons of what la squadra as an idol group would be like. i really really like kpop so this au is really very close to my heart. i had so much fun conceptualizing what kind of boy group la squadra would be, researching. this is a little self - indulgent but i hope you all please enjoy uwu.  i also listened to the official soundtrack of part 5 to get a feel for what their ‘music’ would sound like and wow. i initially just gave it a cursory listening but i found myself replaying it over and over again. i recommend that everyone give the soundtrack a listen too bc its really good!!! 

They’re one of the biggest boy groups out there, their fame is dampened only because Diavolo refuses to actually pay them any proper attention. Although their comebacks are few and far between, they supplement this with their insanely active social media presence.

Their YouTube channel mostly has vlogs of them, and they’re always promising their fans that they’ll release a new album soon. In line with this fans have trended, “Passione Let La Squadra Out of the Basement” to get Diavolo to let them have a comeback. 

Their concept is usually the edgy bad boy type. Though, they’ve been trying to branch out to other genres since they don’t want to be type cast. Their recent, boyfriend concept was really popular! 

They have super powerful and physically taxing dance moves. Each of their choreos must include at least an ab flash or hip thrust. It’s a crowd pleaser. 

They debuted with the song, ‘assassination,’ which had a hard hip hop vibe to it. It was a relative success and their first album sold a lot of copies too! 

The threat of disbanding was always on their heads since privately, you were aware that Diavolo didn’t particularly like them. Thankfully, the boys’ strong fanbase and insistent public demand always kept them far away from Diavolo’s threats. After all, he would be crazy to disband them, right? RIGHT?! 

Well after a nasty court battle regarding their poor pay, the La Squadra managed to get out of their contract with Passione Entertainment. They established their own company where they still promote and do their thing. (They managed to keep their names!) 

Recently they signed the popular idol duo they were close friends with in Passione Sorbet & Gelato. They regularly collaborate. 

Because of the dating scandal Sorbet & Gelato were involved in, they were kicked out of Passione Ent. and for a while they did most of their promotions by themselves. 

Risotto is the leader and is everyone’s bias. You scouted him yourself personally and convinced him to become an idol. He has a bit of a crush on you, but it’s not like he’ll ever confess.

As he continued to practice and train with the group, he found himself really getting into the idea of becoming an idol, as long as it was with the guys. He’s very protective and caring of his group, when they first started off and they’d get hate comments, he would report or delete them all so that his fellow members wouldn’t see it. 

Everyone fawned over his mysterious image but then as the group started doing more vlogs, everyone started to find out that deep down he’s a sweetheart and he got more fans because of it. 

Prosciutto proudly writes and produces most of the songs, sometimes, he lets Risotto or Melone help him. He’s the son of a big music producer so music has always been in his DNA or so he says. 

He wrote the group’s debut song which was originally called, “call me daddy,” you vetoed his suggestion. You only chuckled as you watched him all blushy as he tried to explain himself to you. 

You reassured him that it was a good song just that it didn’t sound like their song. You told him not to get too caught up in copying and following the trend, but rather to make their own unique sound. He took your advice to heart and after giving it a lot of careful thought, he came out with the debut song in about a week. 

Pesci was the center for the soft boyfriend concept and his popularity really started to pick up from there! Since Passione Ent. practically locked them into the edgy concept, they weren’t allowed to experiment much. 

You scouted him yourself and convinced him to become an idol. He joined the company when he was young, and mainly because he wanted to help provide for his family. Prosciutto basically raised hiim, taking him under his wing. 

He used to be very insecure, he wasn’t super talented at dancing and singing but he worked his hardest everyday and you could see that. He started gaining a personal passion for music after their debut and he saw all the smiles and cheers their group got from the people. Especially when his family gave him a call and told him how proud they were of him. 

He’s very sweet to his fans, his solo stans are very protective of him. He is their sweet baby boy and any antis that try to hate on him get ELIMINATED IMMEDIATELY. 

He gets homesick very easy and sometimes he thinks that he doesn’t belong in the group but you are always there to console him and you remind him that you scouted him for a reason. 

They don’t get to go to much variety shows but whenever they do go, Formaggio is king. He’s naturally charismatic and likable so variety shows are always begging him to guest. He usually likes to take some of the members with him if they’re available. 

He’s also the king of fan interaction, there are always videos of him during fansigns holding hands with fans, male and female alike, looking at them intently and calling them sweet nicknames. He’s also the one in charge of hyping up the crowd during live performances. 

The self-designated mood maker of the group. Whenever everyone is tired from a particularly harsh session of practice, he’s always there to cheer everyone up and to keep everyone from getting too stressed. Though with that on his shoulders, you’re always there to give him a headpat, “take care of yourself too, okay, Formaggio?” 

Illuso livestreams himself doing dance practice videos and he interacts with the fans whenever he does so. If he’s feeling particularly cheeky, he’ll give fans a flash of his abs. As the lead dancer, he takes up the job of teaching new choreographies to the other members. He’s a little mean of a teacher but he knows when to joke around and when to be serious. 

“Please show us your abs Illuso,” he reads aloud before chuckling. “As if~” 

Illuso works himself extremely hard, sometimes you’ll catch him in the dance studio still dancing and practicing. When he catches you, he just gives you a smug smirk, “like what you see, manager?” To which you smile and nod as you hand him a towel and a water bottle, “of course, you always dance so well Illuso, just make sure not to work yourself too hard, okay?” 

Melone has the sweetest dulcet tones; he does a lot of solo covers on the group’s YouTube channel, when he can he makes sure to try and rope some of the other guys in it.

Whenever the group is on tour, he’s in charge of posting a e s t h e t i c travel pictures, he also personally edits all of the group’s vlogs. He’s also super active on Twitter. His diligence in interacting with fans online has helped to get La Squadra as popular as it is. 

Melone is the most fashion forward of the group. He was the first of them all to get a clothing brand deal and it shows. His ootds always trend amongst the fans and whatever outfit or piece of clothing he wears always sells out. 

The final member that you had scouted yourself was Ghiaccio. He used to work at a frozen yogurt shop and when he served you your order, you took one good look at him and thought, “oh, I need to get this guy in an idol group, stat.”  

He trained for the longest in Passione Ent. and he was starting to get antsy about whether or not he was going to debut or not. Of them all, he also has the most professional experience as he used to be a backup dancer for some of the senior groups like Unita Speciale. 

He’s a little awkward with fan interaction, not really knowing what to do when he has tons of people telling him they love him. The fans find this side of him very endearing.

[bl4cklabyrinth]

ROCKIN’ON JAPAN August 2016 Interview Translation: Hiro talks about ANTITHESE, Budokan, and his past

Disclaimer: Please do not retranslate my work into other languages, as my translation may not be accurate. I am no Japanese or English native.

The biggest thank you to Anna for helping me get the magazine clippings!

Photo from here.

To what fate was he born and chosen to sing?

Thoughts on his family, his upbringing – a 20,000-character tell-all interview

To be honest, I didn’t expect Hiro to tell me this much about his life. By the time he responded to my proposal for a 20,000-character interview, he was already prepared to talk about his thoughts on his family, his upbringing, and what his songs mean to him. Be that as it may, I wasn’t expecting to hear so much about his conflicts with his family, his love towards them that was clearly in a changing phase, and the loneliness and circumstances he suffers from that no one else could ever experience.

Hiro tells us the reason behind this as he explains his relationship with (ROCKIN’ON) JAPAN, but he also details the story of how MY FIRST STORY created the masterpiece “ANTITHESE” and decided to stand on the fated Budokan stage. I believe Hiro’s songs will change immensely from hereon – they will become more impulsive, more passionate, and elicit stronger feelings of great potential. The life he is in, the life he is destined to live, in which singing was a matter of course from the moment he was born. This interview is a complete narrative of the turning point that made a significant change to his story, and the masterpiece of an album that was a turning point in itself. I hope you take the time to read it thoroughly.

- I think Hiro has dealt with loneliness and frustration really well over the years and has had to carry things from his upbringing that others couldn’t even begin to fathom. I feel like the time you’ve spent fighting like that has become the foundation of your form of expression. In that sense, the album “ANTITHESE” shows a lot about your personality, so for you to talk about your life is the same as talking about this album. 

Hiro: Yes, that’s right.

- Hiro wrote most of the songs as far as this album is concerned. Did this result in more Hiro songs?

Hiro: For this album, I thought of doing it all myself. For the longest time, it was always Sho who would make the original demos, add the melodies, change the chords, and subarrange, among other things. This time, I made the foundation for it myself. Rearranging it further was the hardest part, but it was the perfect timing and I knew I had to take charge, so I made up my mind to do so from the start. There was an overwhelming theme to this album and it couldn’t be done without me, so I thought that I should be the one making it. 

- Asking this now may seem out of the blue, but what is this overwhelming theme?

Hiro: My number one goal, or rather, what inspired me the most was definitely Budokan. It wasn’t finalized yet when we first started working on this album, but I felt like I could go to Budokan if we made this album. When I thought about what kind of album I should make for this purpose, I had an album in mind that I wanted to surpass no matter what, and I thought it made sense to go through trial and error to achieve that goal. That’s where the title “ANTITHESE” came from – the main point was to have an antithesis to a thesis. That was the biggest thing for me.

- So there was a clearly defined rival.

Hiro: Yes. It’s an album title that those in the music business, those who know of us, and those who are fans would definitely notice. On top of that, I knew it would without a doubt be the most controversial album of all time. I could’ve ignored that fact for a long while, but I have a tendency to look at things from a bird’s eye view. When the members became 4, when Budokan was decided, and when things started popping out left and right, I knew I shouldn’t run away from it forever. When the date for Budokan was set, I sort of felt like it was fate. I had never had a moment in my life where everything just clicked like this. If everything was connected up to this point and the ties will not be severed from hereon, then maybe I too should try riding the wave of that thread. With that in mind, I created this album.

- I see. The work on this album starts with the single “ALONE”, a song that focuses on “the proof of existence”. It’s very easy to understand that that’s where the story begins, because Hiro writes a lot about himself. I suppose the line “I’ve risked it all, even if it almost tore my lost heart into pieces” in “Nothing In The Story” is what your heart is screaming.

Hiro: That’s right.

- “I’ve risked everything for this,” you say. I’m sure you’ve had some frustration in not being able to express those feelings directly, but I also assume you tried to view things from a different point of view and accept that that’s just the way things are. However, you’d go, “If I do let things stay the way they are, my story will not move on from here.”

Hiro: That’s true. I’m not mature enough to be enlightened on the way things are, and no matter how hard I look at the bigger picture, subjectivity definitely goes in there somewhere. It wasn’t something I could give up so easily.

- You didn’t want to be compared to anyone else, you wanted to be recognized for who you are and move upwards as you are now.

Hiro: That’s what I find most difficult. It would be unbearable if I think about it too much, and I don’t know the right thing to do either. I am who I am now because of everything I’ve been through. If you are currently at a certain point in your life, then to go back to square one would be to deny the person you are today, but it all gets complicated when you’re not content with where you are now. I think this album was about coming to terms with that and deciding what to do from there.

- You’ve written all sorts of songs, but you’re only trying to say one thing. You’re earnestly writing songs that convey, “It’s these things that have made me who I am”.

Hiro: That’s right. The theme was hard.

- “Kimi no Uta”, for instance. It’s all in Japanese.

Hiro: I used more Japanese this time. It was composing the songs that was harder than anything else. The lyrics weren’t easy either, but once I got them right, I went deep into writing them. I’m not the type to compose music logically at all. I’d start with a melody and add backing tracks little by little, but if a good melody doesn’t come up then it doesn’t get my approval. Apart from that, this time I had an overwhelming challenge in mind that I didn’t want to be pulled too far in the direction of, but if I strayed too far away from it, I might not be able to get the message across. It was really, really difficult at the time.

- In any case, you’re calling this album “ANTITHESE”, so it wasn’t about making something friendly and having the world accept it. For Hiro, making “ANTITHESE” wasn’t about creating an album showcasing your skills or technique. It was about putting everything you had on the line.

Hiro: I’ve been trying not to show much of myself for as long as I could remember, but I couldn’t help thinking that this work was non-negotiable. I felt like I was finally going somewhere. It’s really scary, though. In the past, I would’ve had a wider perspective in choosing which songs I liked on the album, what order I should put the songs in, or which songs would be a hit among the rest, but this time I didn’t think about any of that at all. I was completely engrossed in making this album, so much so that it was the first time in a long while that I was able to relax after I finished recording “Home” last and wondered if the album was going to be okay. I had never made an album this controversial before, so I’m really looking forward to seeing how people react to it, having made it on the assumption that it was going to be criticized.

- So you recorded “Home” last.

Hiro: It was the very last song I recorded.

- This is the final number, right? People would think, “Are you really gonna write this much?” You’re literally singing about your family.

Hiro: That’s right. Really though, this song has everything you need for a 20,000-character interview (laughs). As I had come to accept myself recently, I wanted to express something that I had finally been able to digest. Up until now, I’d been depicting it in a very abstract way. I thought I had dipped my toes in the water for some songs, but I had never really submerged myself into it. That was the case for “Itsuwari NEUROSE” – I thought that that would be the be-all and end-all. When I pondered on which part of myself I personally wanted to share, I thought that the circumstances I grew up with and the sensibilities I had at the time were everything. Then I thought to myself, “There’s no other band like this”. I’d been asked what sets us apart from other bands in other interviews, but it isn’t about losing or not losing. I can say with absolute confidence that they couldn’t possibly win. It feels like I’m the main character in a role-playing game. The protagonist never dies, right? They come back to life over and over again until they defeat the last boss, they level up and equip all sorts of weapons. I had a much stronger feeling than certainty that I couldn’t die. That being the case, when I considered what everyone wanted to see, I thought that it would be the moment the hero takes down the villain and the ending. I think that is our story. We’re probably the easiest and hardest band to empathize with, but it was only recently that I realized that we are the ones who could change that. It was only recently that I’d come to deal with that fact. That was around last winter, when we were in the middle of making the album. I feel like I had finally changed my destiny with this album. For this reason, I thought that I wouldn’t be able to beat the almighty devil king or god unless I read the story behind why they appeared in the first place. Then, I linked that to my own life. However, I think that prologue would look completely different from the hero’s point of view and the villain’s point of view. Because of this, I didn’t want to end things with only one side of the story. To put it another way, that (one side) would be the most dominant part of my personality. As I see it, I feel like my past is my everything. However it may have been, I’ve always wanted to relay everything in a song, but I couldn’t, and I didn’t know how. But once we decided to create this album, it all felt like it was going to be fine. Down to the music and the lyrics, we had a specific theme and image for each song, especially for “Home”. I think this song plays the most important role out of all of the songs we’ve made thus far. The very existence of this song will lead to so many things.

- To use your words just now, if you don’t write this song, you wouldn’t be able to show the side of you that makes you who you are and the side of you that you have to look into the most, which will lead to you being judged. 

Hiro: Yes. I think about myself quite often, don’t I? Well… Would it be okay to tell you everything?

- Of course. If you have a lot to say, please go ahead.

Hiro: Alright. Lately, I’ve been thinking a lot about how there’s no other family as ridiculous as ours. No other family has changed the industry like ours has. Both parents sing, and their sons sing as well. Moreover, two of those sons are in a band. I don’t think it’s common for most families to have thoroughbreds succeed thoroughbreds, and you don’t see families where most of the members get to stand on the Budokan stage very often either (laughs). I thought that being able to do that was fate. I was born into such a family, and even though I was the one who decided to go down this path, I feel like even that was predetermined. Just because I started making music doesn’t mean I’ll be able to play at Budokan. I think the odds of that happening are astronomical already. But I’d been fighting against those odds ever since, so if I had already made it this far, then maybe I should ride that fate out and see where it takes me. I wanted to see how things pan out, and that’s what changed within me.

- I see.

Hiro: Our guitarist Sho went on hiatus, Masack left the band and we became 4, we released an album, then decided on Budokan which will be taking place on November 18th. Budokan’s schedule is pretty packed, isn’t it? I don’t think that us being able to hold a show there in November was a coincidence. With all this happening one after the other, I couldn’t make excuses for myself anymore. That being said, what do I do now? When we first started the band, I was thinking of saying it all at Zepp, but when I got to stand there, I thought I wasn’t ready to talk yet. The view from the stage as a performer was closer than I thought it would be when I was still watching as a part of the audience. Because of that fear, I thought it was a bit too early to be talking about Budokan. But when I thought about it clearly, Budokan would be a slightly different case compared to Yokohama Arena or Saitama Super Arena. Budokan and Tokyo Dome were different. Then when I wondered how many years it would take for us to get to Tokyo Dome, I knew everyone wouldn’t want to wait that long. With that in mind, I set my heart on going nowhere but Budokan. The thing is, I couldn’t change the fact that so many artists are able to perform at Budokan. The value of Nippon Budokan wasn’t gonna diminish as I had imagined it to, but that value would inevitably change as more people became able to play on that stage. That being the case, I always said that we should hold a Budokan show that only we can do. When asked what kind of show that would be, I knew it had to be one that would surpass the Budokan show from 6 years ago. I think that that was the only way we could conquer Budokan, and that we were the band that should be doing just that. Over the years, there had been many twists and turns to be able to achieve that goal, such as members going on hiatus, quitting the band, joining the band, and touring around all 47 prefectures, but if it will only take us 5 years to stand on the Budokan stage, then the stakes will all be worth it. To stand in Budokan on November 18th – that in itself means a lot already.

- To sing “Home” at Budokan on November 18th holds a lot of meaning for Hiro, and it would be the first time the band MY FIRST STORY will be playing as the protagonist. Truly, in the essence of Hiro’s being, life, and values, MY FIRST STORY will become a band that can compete with everyone else. 

Hiro: I guess so. I don’t want to lose, of course, but we’re not trying to match anyone either. Rather, it all starts from here, from the moment I made up my mind to stand on the starting line, or the moment I finished warming up and got myself in a ready position. I feel like this is where the competition to see who can do the fastest time begins.

- Hiro is the only person in the world who has the right to stand on the starting line, huh.

Hiro: That’s right.

- I would assume you also thought about just running on a different lane.

Hiro: That’s true. There was a part of me that was already happy with doing just that. It was definitely my weak side. But if fate was going to lead us to where we are now, then there was no point in running away anymore. I think it’s more like me to face things head on. I think I would have never seen the real me had I not decided to confront my fears. This time, our moment had finally come, so I’d be happy if everyone understood that.

- I’m not on the level of understanding just yet (laughs). This song is amazing. “Now I want to go beyond, now I want to go beyond”. And the lyrics after that, “Sometimes I watch the TV and hear family’s voice”.

Hiro: I think I’m the only one who can write these lyrics. I actually came up with these lyrics around the time we made “Second Limit”. It’s an homage to the lyrics of Avril Lavigne that went something like, “I was listening to the radio and Radiohead was playing” (T/N: I assume he was referring to Avril Lavigne’s song “Here’s To Never Growing Up”). I don’t think there are a lot of people who are in a position to embody such a line to this extent, and to express it in terms of “him” or “her” instead of proper nouns. I’d been thinking about that since I wrote “Second Limit”, but no matter how I looked at it, it wasn’t the right time to put it out just yet. It was refreshing to finally be able to write it out. I tend to get easily distracted, and even if I find something cool, it’s unlikely that it stays that way for long. This was the only feeling I had that never changed or once wavered. Since I’m still feeling the same way 5 years later, I thought it would be a good idea to finally write it down. In a way, I think it had held a bit of my rebelliousness from back in the day. I also used to care too much about what other people thought of me. It felt like I was weirdly acting like a grown up, even if I was still far from being one. It felt like I was being strangled more and more. I was concerned about what people would think if I said such a thing, but if they still had something to say despite me not saying anything, then I might as well lay it all out then be told off afterwards instead (laughs). If I were told off after I’d said my piece, it would be a good rallying point and it would be possible to reach a compromise.

- It’s like you’ve climbed up all this way just to sing this song. “Even if I can’t go back to those memories, I will not run away from you” – does this part bear meaning to you personally as well?

Hiro: This one, no. Only the beginning.

- So it was just written for writing’s sake.

Hiro: Yeah. But I wrote that line with the hope of the song in mind. It wasn’t 100% me, it was more of Hiro from MY FIRST STORY. Of course Hiro from MFS would appear in this song. So I had them both mixed up here in these two lines.

- Now, let me ask you something else. First and foremost, when is your birthday?

Hiro: January 25, 1994.

- What’s your earliest memory?

Hiro: Maybe when our house was built. The house was built around the same time I was born. I don’t think I was old enough to understand anything at all, but I remember looking at it from the outside while my father was carrying me. I was like, “Wow~ Amazing~”. I guess that was my first ever memory.

- How would you describe the shade of that memory?

Hiro: ...If I had to choose, it would probably be a warm memory. It might not go all the way up the scale, but it’s a memory with a temperature, if anything. 

- You were around a year old?

Hiro: Yeah, more or less.

- But you remember that scene happening.

Hiro: I remember it vividly. I don’t know, I’d be lying if I said I didn’t mean it in a bad way, but for better or for worse, I don’t have any memories of spending time with my family. Moreover, it feels strange to have the world know about my family. We had such a special relationship that it was almost as if my grade school classmates knew my mother and father better than I did. It’s like, “That guy on TV is my father” – that’s about as uncomfortable as it’s gonna get. Everyone would tell me, “That’s your dad”, and I’d be thinking, “Is that so?” I had never simply played catch with him, never gone anywhere for the end of the year, and I had never even had a home-cooked meal before, so I had really weird feelings towards my family. I know they’re important, but I think they’re less important to me than most people are. If the average person weighs 100 percent to me, it would only be about 70 or 60 percent for my family – they lack the remaining 30 or 40 percent. It’s not that I don’t like them or am bitter towards them, it’s kind of like, even I don’t understand why. I’ve always felt strangely towards my family, so I think that’s why I was able to write this song. I guess it’s because I was born last, so my memories of family were a lot shorter compared to those of my brothers. I never felt bad about that though, and I’m able to do all of this now because of that. If things had gone well, I’m sure I would have been one hell of a little shit (laughs). I can affirm that, but it’s kind of hard to understand so I can’t really explain it.

- What kind of kid were you?

Hiro: I don’t think I’ve changed much. I was pretty stubborn, and I wouldn’t yield even if I said something wrong. I used to lie a lot, too. We weren’t allowed to have cup ramen at home, but I would hide and buy some from the convenience store. If I got found out, I would say I didn’t know anything (laughs). Even if it was in my room, I would say, “It wasn’t me, didn’t mom put that there?” then run away.

- When did you first become aware of music?

Hiro: Hmm, when I was in my second year in high school. Until then, music was just always in the air. Music would naturally be playing at home, and I would listen to music when I’m out of the house as well. My parents would sing songs and stuff. It was always just there. That was how it had always been, so I didn’t pay attention to it for a long time. But when I was in my second year in high school, everyone started deciding what to do in the future, and my friends said they were going to university. 3 years in middle school and 3 years in high school were enough to make me sick of being a student, so I didn’t wanna go there. Thing is, there wasn’t anything I wanted to do either. When I was thinking about what I should do, I don’t know when it happened, but there was a moment when I realized that music was something I could make a career out of. Up until then, there were barely any hurdles for me to make music my profession. When the idea popped up in my head, I made up my mind immediately with no hesitation. I hadn’t been able to take part in any of the club activities until then, but since music was what I had always been doing at the time, I knew this was the only thing I could do. I just didn’t see the point in not pursuing music when I was allowed to do so anyway. I thought that life wouldn’t be as fun anywhere else. It was the first time I became aware of something I had always taken for granted.

- Have you been singing since you were a kid?

Hiro: Mostly just humming. I would look at the lyrics and sing along as I listened to minidiscs and stuff like that. If my dad happened to come home while I was singing in the living room, I would turn off the music right away. He would point out that my pitch was off and in my head I’d be like, “Shut up”. That’s why I didn’t really sing in front of my parents. I guess I would have been able to sing if both my brothers were with me, but all I could think of at the time was that they were all so annoying. 

- You still didn’t have feelings of liking singing at the time, huh.

Hiro: I didn’t. It’s a part of the necessities of life that I can’t live without – it’s only natural to have music. In other words, I don’t really understand the power that music brings. Sometimes I would think that music could change people or that music could change the world, and I say so in my MCs too, but I rarely think about it. I can’t say that music could change the world or that music could change people, because music is a natural part of life. I would think, “I don’t mean this in a bad way at all, but how can music save someone?”

- So you’re not overly attached to music, huh.

Hiro: Right. It’s my destiny already after all. I don’t have any emotional attachment to my own life either, because it’s like, “I’m alive right now (and that’s all that matters)”. But whenever I get asked what life means to me, I’m really not exaggerating when I say that I would plainly answer “music”. I don’t feel emotionally attached to it, but if it’s not there then I would die. Because it’s who I am.

- Everyone tries to attach emotions to their personal experiences. Some people have stories like, “When I heard that riff by Nirvana in my second year in middle school, I knew I wanted to be a musician, so with that one riff, everything changed”. On the other hand, in Hiro’s case, your life was set up right from the start.

Hiro: Yep. From the very day I was born.

- Did you ever try to pursue anything else apart from music?

Hiro: I wanted to try a lot of things. Music wasn’t even on the list until my second year in high school, so I thought about doing all sorts of jobs like being a comedian or a baseball player. But I started to think that I wasn’t going to be a kid forever, so I decided against it. I found myself face to face with reality. 

- We all once wrote our dreams for the future in our grade school yearbooks, right? What did you write in yours?

Hiro: I don’t remember. I wasn’t the type of kid who took those things seriously, and I didn’t have to think about it from the third grade up to my third year in middle school. I thought I could get away with it, I guess. But when that time of my life ended, I thought to myself, “Well, what am I going to do?” That was what the second son (T/N: Tomohiro Moriuchi) was particularly agitated about. Every time I saw him, he would ask me, “What are you going to do in the future?” Music didn’t come up whenever my family asked me what my dream was, so it seriously wasn’t an option. I wasn’t mature enough to really think about it that much, and when I was in middle school and high school, I was happy as long as I had fun every day. I thought my life would be over after high school. I didn’t think it would last beyond that. That was when I met our producer. The first thing he said to me was, “You look like a good singer. Are you in a band?” At the time, it had been around 2 days since the band I had with our guitarist Teru disbanded. I answered, “I’m not. Our band just broke up the other day actually,” and he replied, “I see. Let’s start a band.” I thought that was really sloppy of him (laughs), but my band had just broken up, so I said, “Sure.” Then he asked me to come to the studio a week later. I sang at the studio, but the recording we had was pretty intense. I thought I wasn’t cut out for it, but they said my voice was cool and that we should start a new band. Nob and Masack were on the bass and drums back then, so I started a band with those 3. After that, we decided to bring in another guitarist, and just my luck, Teru said he wanted to play with me again. I was in a huge hurry at the time. Everyone around me was in high school, and we kept getting booked by livehouses, playing shows, and paying extra because we didn’t reach our quota. It had me wondering until when this was going to last. I was graduating soon, and my friends in high school along with their other friends were my entire community, so I knew it would be a disaster if all of that disappeared. I was living in a very small world, but everything changed when I met our producer. The possibilities, the range and depth of options, all unlike anything I had ever seen before. I was overwhelmed by the speed at which things were happening, but I was also relieved.

- I see.

Hiro: The first 2 years was all about the simple joys of being in a band. When we went on our first tour or show, everyone came and paid for their own tickets, and I was genuinely glad to be standing there as a professional. The members were all serious about what they were doing too, so that made me really happy as well. Up until then, it was normal for me to hear, “Sorry, I have to go to cram school”, “I have to study”, I have a part-time job”, so getting rid of that alone made me so happy I could die. As I released more and more of my music, my own emotions started to grow, and things gradually changed from then on. I think it was around the time we made “Saishuukai STORY” when MY FIRST STORY became a part of me. All this time, I was screaming and just going with the flow, but then all of a sudden, I became an adult. 

- It’s ironic, isn’t it? In your case, music was always by your side, yet the realization that being in a band was fun came later than most people.

Hiro: That’s true. I’ve been asked what the first ever CD I bought was in so many interviews, but that question is incredibly hard for me to answer (laughs). I seriously don’t remember it at all. All this time, I had only been giving half-assed answers because it’s not something people would understand unless they’ve heard my story, but I’d never been able to share my story up until now. When I was in middle school or high school, I felt like ROCKIN’ON JAPAN was the number one magazine out there. I thought it was the king of music magazines, and I was deeply attached to it. Then, when we started the band, I was thinking of speaking up for the first time at Zepp or Budokan, but I’d decided that this (magazine) would be the first place I talk about my life.

- Is that so?

Hiro: Then, since the timing was perfect with this 20,000-character interview, and since Koyanagi-san will be the one interviewing me, I thought that today was the day I should finally speak up. I’d never spoken about it before, I didn’t have the guts to, and I had quite a few things left unsettled up until now. It feels great to finally be able to talk about it now for the first time. 

- You deal with music in a very unique way, huh. To illustrate, it’s like water and air to you. “The air saves me every day!” Don’t you agree? (laughs)

Hiro: I do! I don’t think anyone appreciates being able to breathe air every day. Everybody just lives off of that life force, so I couldn’t help thinking deeply about it. 

- When did music become a form of expression for you?

Hiro: Expression… I don’t know if I’ve ever thought of it that way. I sing about proving my existence in “ALONE”, but in my mind, it’s not as strong a proof of existence as everyone imagines it to be. I’m really just doing it because I love it. I simply want to hear new songs in my own voice. I’ve always done it as an extension of my hobby, so I don’t really understand the fact that I’m getting paid to do this. I’m like, what’s this compensation reward for? I don’t think I’ll ever leave music behind no matter how much it changes, so I don’t really feel like I’m doing it for self-expression. 

- I see. I want to ask you a few more questions about your past. What kind of student life did you have when you were in grade school and middle school?

Hiro: I was just having fun. Well, I was a bit of a naughty kid from around my second year in middle school (laughs). I didn’t go to school much. I didn’t have a lot of friends in middle school. I was rather popular until around my first year so I was just going with the flow, but just like how a nail that sticks out gets hammered down, I was pushed to the side hard (T/N: ignored) in my second year or so. I couldn’t make any friends and I was always lonely. Even in my third year in middle school, I would play outside instead of going to school. Then, I joined the music club in my third year in high school. I heard that students weren’t allowed to join clubs in their senior year because they would be sure to participate in the school festival. They’d have club homeroom every Wednesday, so that was when I asked them, “Please let me join the club.” I didn’t feel like I would lose to any of the guys in that room, so I said, “Please let me participate in the school festival,” and with that they told me, “Fine, if you insist”. At the time, the best performers out of everyone in the club gathered together and did covers and original songs. I was already with MFS back then, so we were touring around non-stop. That being said, we decided to hold a performance that would overwhelmingly crush the top band at the school festival, and we went home with a bang. When I got to my senior year, I thought, “Yikes, I’ve only got 1 year left to be a student”, so I decided to do a ton of things that I could only do then. I became a member of the executive committee for events and was involved in organizing the athletic and cultural festivals. That’s why my senior year in high school was pretty free and fun. All things considered, I think both my middle school and high school days paved the way to where I am today. I was living in a society where that community was everything, so I couldn’t help feeling a sense of loneliness when I was withdrawn from it, but I was able to meet so many people and realize that I was struggling in such a small world. 

- Hiro’s way of life is pretty flexible in a way, huh? You’re willing to accept things because that’s just how they were meant to be. It’s a special ability you were able to learn, isn’t it?

Hiro: The past isn’t going to change, but I don’t want to say these kinds of things in my songs. You don’t know what kind of person is going to be listening, and a song is only 3 minutes long. There’s only so much text you can squeeze in. For example, you can’t expect some random person passing by to suddenly give you good advice. And even if what they said was right, you don’t even know them. There are people who don’t share the same pain, and I don’t think it’s a good idea to put the band on the line and dedicate everything to a single group of people. That’s why I write songs about my story. 

- I strongly feel you on that. When it comes to your manner of songwriting, you don’t say, “This is how it should be”. You’d answer your own questions, and if someone else sympathizes with you in doing so, then great.

Hiro: Yeah, exactly. It’s easy to put up a façade, but I believe people can grow by showing their weaknesses and making other people think. It’s no good to just show the answer to a problem; the most important part of the process is to think about why you got the answer you got. I think life is a repetition of these things. I don’t want to tell people they can change. I don’t really like being pushy.

- Hiro doesn’t say, “This is black” in his songs. You endlessly ask yourself, “Is it white? Is it black?” That’s what everyone says – “It’s different for each person”. But I think Hiro truly understands that each person is different. I believe that’s how you’ve been living your life. Perhaps that’s the reason your self-questioning lyrics are so compelling. In this album, Hiro writes, “This is what the shape of my heart is like now”. This piece was the first time you tried to frame your own mind.

Hiro: I think I’m a really, really twisted person. If I’m moved by something I see, I think people who could see things from a normal perspective would be even more moved by it. I’m pretty confident about that. So whenever I find something cool, I’d say, “It’s cool, isn’t it?” I’m not trying to impose. The fact that I was able to think a certain way and keep going with that in mind is the reason I’m here today, I believe. That’s what it all comes down to. I think this is the most direct I’ve ever been able to express myself, not in an abstract way. 

- You were able to write in specifics without escaping to the abstract. It’s truly an incredible album.

Hiro: Thank you.

- You mentioned at the beginning of this interview that there was something stronger than certainty already in place. What would that be?

Hiro: To release our 4th album, at the age of 22, as 4 members, playing Budokan in November after having been together for 5 years… It’s scary, isn’t it? How things led up to this point. With everything turning out that way, I knew I wanted to exceed the album from that time at all costs. I thought that doing so would be the best way to prove my existence. I’m absolutely sure that there was something stronger than certainty about that.

- Something along the lines of, “I will face my destiny”, or “I will live my destiny”?

Hiro: Yeah. I guess it’s somewhere in between facing my destiny and living my destiny. I do think it’s more important to face it though, and I feel like Budokan is the perfect stage for that. But as you would expect, I definitely don’t want to lose. This is the first time I’m talking about this, but our motive for starting the band, or our biggest ambition if you will is, as mentioned earlier, the fact that there is no other family like mine. There’s the father and the mother whose sons were rascals, but one’s in a successful band that’s doing well overseas, too. “Their son is just as amazing”, “What a great family” – this is our current image to the public. The story I want to tell, however, is that there’s also a younger brother in the picture who’s even better. That’s the ideal story we wanted to create. We’ll go into battle as the select few in order to make this a reality, so we have no desire whatsoever to join a major label like they did. How can we go above and beyond? That’s my biggest dream, so I’m running forward to achieve just that. But like I said before, it feels like I’m trying to view the public’s image of my family objectively. I’m not in that circle. As I say in “Home”, I don’t belong in that circle; I’m connected to it, but I’m somehow outside of it and am trying to break it with no hesitation. It’s a strange feeling, but I strongly stand by it. If you take this into consideration when listening to this song, you’ll see it in a completely different light. It’s not just a simple desire to not lose – it’s a more complex emotion with a different direction.

- You’re not just saying it’s a rivalry. It’s not about who should win, it’s about the situation you were given.

Hiro: I want to seize my destiny. With such strong blood, strong DNA, and a strong destiny, I truly don’t feel like I will lose to anyone. It’s like, “Sorry, but you’re definitely not gonna win. Because there’s no other family like mine.” I don’t have an emotional attachment to the idea of family like everybody else does, and I don’t really understand what it’s all about, so I’d discuss it with my friends when we go out for drinks. I had kept it to myself all this time and never told anyone about it, but I started to loosen up and was able to talk about it. I don’t know if people would understand my situation, and they probably won’t, which made me think that I was the only one suffering from this. Then I thought it might be a good idea to turn this into a song.

- 22 years old, 4 members, November, Budokan. The whole journey was written in this song, wasn’t it? I think this interview was very meaningful because of this album and song, and that everyone’s emotions are headed in the right direction towards Budokan.

Hiro: I believe there are people who realize what it means to us to perform at Budokan in November. Some people think that’s amazing. Now that this album is out, the mystery is finally solved. “Now I understand. You can do it, MFS” – I hope everyone looks forward to Budokan having this in mind. That’s what we mean by holding a Budokan show that only we can do.

[this-life-so-far]

Title 1

Growing Up: The Early Years  

The earliest memory I have of growing up is being in the back of my dad’s white GMC truck and hearing the opening guitar riff of “Sweet Child O’ Mine” being blared on the cheap speakers that were in the back seat with me and my sister. I’ll never forget just looking out the window and being “happy” when hearing the music and not having to care about what was going on in my family. In this memory I have, I vividly remember my father driving down the mountain heading towards Marion NC. In my eyes, the window was the perfect frame for a stage and every blade of grass that was outside the window were dying fans wanting to meet me. It’s odd that I’ve recently just started thinking about this memory lately, however it seems to be one of the few memories I can think of from my childhood that actually aren’t filled with some kind of dread. Whether that’s good or bad, it’s honest. There’s a certain innocence behind the memory and I think that’s why I cherish it so dearly. Within the innocence is something magical and I think I’ve always carried that feeling with me throughout my life.  

Growing up, my family was poor. We lived in an old run-down trailer that had holes in the floors and busted-out windows that had plastic put over them to makeshift a window. We never had money, sometimes no food and sometimes no love. I know my parents tried their hardest and I’m just grateful that they provided a roof over our heads. The trailer would decline in shape over the years, but growing up in it, I never noticed how poor we were at certain times. I had toys, I had video games, but sometimes I wouldn’t have food. The necessity that any child shouldn’t have to worry about; however, one thing that I had was music. Music would become, and still is, the foundation of how I view the world in many different ways. One of my fondest memories was when my mother surprised my sister one Christmas with a CD/Cassette player. The CD player was the nicest thing in our trailer for the longest time. Along with the CD player, my mother bought her a bunch of CDs from one of those weird subscription services that were in the back of magazines in the late 90s. My mother and dad had picked out a bunch of 80s hair -metal CDs from the 20 something CDs you got from this subscription service. After seeing all of the Def Leppard, ZZ Top, and Guns N Roses CDs that were littered through the box, my sister came across her portion of the CDs. My sister’s portion of the CDs consisted of Spice Girls, NSYNC, Jordan Knight, Britney Spears, and a CD that she quickly tossed away that would later become one of my most prized possessions which was a Backstreet Boys CD.  

After my sister neglected the CD for some time, I would slowly start listening to it and getting that feeling I had looking out the window of my dad’s truck and pretending there was an arena of people out there waiting for me. When I would hear songs like “As Long As You Love Me” or “Quit Playing Games with my Heart” I would dance and sing in my home and people would notice me. I never had that much attention growing up, so imagine what was going through the mind of a six-year-old performing in front of his family and them actually noticing. It was an escape and one that I was proud of. If I got sad (which happened a lot during my childhood) I would put on songs like “All I Have to Give” or “I’ll Never Break Your Heart” and just sit back and think about how it felt like I lost something. I was a six-year-old kid at the time who couldn’t have lost too much besides a Power Rangers toy or a Pokémon card, however, I remember hearing these ballads and becoming sad. I knew there was some emotion of love coming from the songs, but I didn’t know what it meant to me. I’m not even sure how to describe the feeling now, I just knew if things were bad in the home; I could put on the slow songs and hideaway crying while singing the chorus and if things were good, I could put on the “funky” songs and dance and be the center of attention. It was the music that helped me escape the chaos of everyday life. Even at this young age, I was ready to “woo” the girl of my dreams into  

My mother was always my biggest fan. When she was in her right mind, there was no one else in the world that could make me feel as special as she could make me feel. I loved more than my mother, but when she was on one of her binges, she quickly became my biggest enemy. I can remember so many nights watching my mom pass out on the floor, in a restaurant, or even falling asleep standing upright while cooking for me and my sister. I would find out later in my life that my mother used substances to keep her away from her past. Thankfully instead of turning to substances like my mother to hide from the ugly past, I turned to music and that helped keep me straight through a lot of rough times in my life. My mother did love me with everything she had in her. I have no doubts about that. I just wish that I could’ve had the mother I knew she could be all the time. She was someone who is special. I believe that if she didn’t have an addiction that she would’ve turned out to be someone who could’ve made a difference in the world. She was kind, beautiful, intelligent, and everything that I strive to be to this day still, however, she carried around a burden that never got any easier to carry.  

Even as a child, I wanted to help my mom carry that burden, no matter the cost. I remember being young and my mother asking me to help her look for my father’s pain pills. I knew that if I found them and she took some of them, she would play with me and be the “super-mom” I knew she was capable of being. Needless to say, many days when my dad was at work and my sister was at my grandparent’s home, me and my mother would spend the entire day tearing up our small little trailer apart looking for that magical little orange bottle of pills. I knew every time she would find them. You would hear a little giggle that was followed by the sounds of pills shaking back and forth in the bottle. I’ll always remember those giggles and the little smiles. I knew my mother was happy finding the pills and I was just happy that she was happy. I wanted a playmate during this time. I never had friends over because even at the age of 6ish I was embarrassed by our house and the conditions we lived in, so I needed a playmate and someone to watch me sing and dance for them.

I was always afraid of my dad. I’m not sure exactly why. He never was intentionally mean to me or my sister, he was just never really involved either. My father would come home from work and go straight to his bedroom and shut the door. It seemed like the only time he was up; he was fussing with my mother about the pills she had found and taken. I never appreciated that from my father in the younger part of childhood. I thought he was trying to make my mother not love me any more by not letting her have the pills that transformed her into “super-mom.” I really wish I had more to say about my father during this part of my childhood, however, it just seems like he wasn’t involved with me or my sister until a little later in our lives. I just know that if you made him mad and he came at you with the belt, he would be the s#!t out of you (there’s no nicer way to put it.) If that ever happened, it was time to cuddle up to the speaker of my sister’s CD player and cut on a ballad by Backstreet Boys. I used music to self-heal myself even back then. By the time we would get our whippings from our father, my mother could be found passed out somewhere. No one was there for us.  

My sister was gone a lot during this time. She spent a lot of time with my grandparents during the summer days and almost every weekend with them during school time. I always loved my sister. I still love her and miss her like crazy. I know that with all of my heart. I’m just not sure how I felt about her growing up during this part of my childhood. My sister was made out to be a “golden child” of the entire family. She was pretty, nice, very smart, and she could actually sing too. She even had her own glamour shots done during this time and was deemed to be “destined for greatness” according to our peers. This left me estranged. How could I have any attention on me when she was that damn good? It wasn’t fair. She was better than me on all levels. I just felt like a forgotten puppy that someone left behind because they couldn’t care for it anymore. All I needed now was for someone to throw me in a van and take me away from my home and put me in a strange place (that would happen a little later.) I honestly don’t know if my sister ever knew how I felt about her growing up around this time. She would later protect me from a lot of evil caused by my parents, but during this time period of my childhood, she was my biggest enemy.  

That never seemed to deter me from finding new ways to find attention. I know it sounds selfish, but as a kid, I craved love and affection. I needed it so I could build a solid foundation for my future self. I remember being younger and drawing a cartoon. I’m honestly not sure what the cartoon was but my mother was blown away by the ability I had to draw at a young age. After I amazed her with one of my cartoons, I just kept drawing. I remember vividly drawing pictures of Pokémon, SpongeBob, and even members of Backstreet Boys just hoping for her approval. I would spend hours on these drawings and once I completed them, I would rush to my parents to show them off. Years later when going through their things after a move, I would find where they saved some pictures I drew of Link from Legend of Zelda and that’s always meant a lot to me. They were quick to dismiss them, but they never threw them away to my knowledge. It was a weird dynamic, getting behind the scenes love, just give it to me now like they were with my sister damn it.  I needed it to be stable because all around there were constant moments of doubt.  

Within times of doubt, there was always something that kept me going. Just the tiniest little thing that would make me feel an endless amount of love. One night I remember vividly was my mother driving me around looking for Pokémon cards. She didn’t have a license and didn’t really drive often, but she knew how much I wanted them after getting my first Arcanine card from a girl in 1st grade and she took the risk to drive me around Spruce Pine looking for them. I was scared because looking now it’s questionable whether she was even sober when driving around with me in the front seat, but I just remember so vividly using passing lights from the neighborhood and town to light the card up so I could continue to look at the card. The card is long gone in my collection, but that memory is priceless because it just reminds me that my mother and father did have pure hearts despite the substance abuse issues.  

There substance abuse issues would later lead to domestic discord and violence. One of the earliest encounters I remember from this time in my youth was when me and my father went to a yard sale. At the yard sale, I found some Mario Kart toys. The toys were of Bowser and Yoshi inside their karts if you were wondering. I was just in awe because Mario Kart 64 was a game my family always played together and to have toys based on the game, seemed like a foreign concept to me for some reason. I was eager to get back home to show my mother the toys, and when me and my father arrived home, I ran in to show off the toys. My mother acted like she cared but as soon as my father walked in, they started arguing. The arguing went on for some time, but I didn’t pay attention to it. I took my toys in the hallway and began playing with them. The stretch of hallway connecting my parent’s room to the living room was Rainbow Road and I was insisting on playing on this makeshift track for as long as possible.  

After some time of arguing in the living room, my father decided he had enough and took off to his bedroom. Within moments my mother was chasing behind him and berating him to the fullest of her lung capacity. After my father slammed the door in my mother’s face, my mother went off and ran and got a butcher’s knife out of the kitchen and started charging at the door. My father had opened the door to see what my mother was doing and the next thing I know; she’s charging at him yelling “I’m going to slit your goddamn throat Pat.” I feared for my father and began screaming and crying. My father shut the door and locked it and after minutes of my mother kicking at the door, then finally she started stabbing the door with the knife. This was after my father had put his body up against the door to hold it shut so my mother couldn’t get into the room. I was crying and running away leaving my precious Mario Kart toys in the floor and after some time my mother quit stabbing the door and left the area. I don’t remember anything after that hardly other than my father putting up stickers and Pokémon poster on the bedroom door so DSS wouldn’t see the stab marks on the door. It’s so bizarre how you can remember the confrontation but can’t remember hardly anything about the cool-down period.  

Thankfully no Mario Kart toys were harmed during this incident, only a child’s sanity. Times like these were the reason I truly hated my sister while we were growing up. She got to be away at my grandparent’s home, and I was stuck in the middle of the chaos. Don’t get me wrong, there were weekends that were perfect for a child to enjoy, but those weekends would get drowned out by the weekends I just mentioned in this incident. I had no protection during these incidents, but somehow, I was the one going to each parent to try and cheer them up. It’s just so cruel and unfair that I felt I had to be a support for both parents and try to pretend that everything was okay, especially while my sister was taking her weekend trips to Wal-Mart and restaurants with my grandparents. She was also getting NSYNC shirts too from them, where the hell was my Backstreet Boys shirt.   

[syms-things-5]

Clear The Area - Chapter Fifteen (Part One)

Previous Chapter Here

Tags: @jennmurawski13 @kelbabyblue

Warnings: Some mild language

Notes: This is the first of a 3-part chapter. It moves the story along quite a bit (finally) and I am about 80% complete on the second and third parts, too. Shouldn’t be too long ‘til they get posted, fingers crossed. Thanks again for stopping by. Let me know if you have any comments or advice; all greatly appreciated, good and bad!

Chapter Fifteen: Part One

“So, what you’re saying is if I don’t put out a statement, they’re going to roll this all over me? And there is nothing we can do to stop this?” Chris yelled into his phone, his hand coming down hard on the white marble counter in front of him. “What do I even pay you for?!”

“Listen to me, will you?!” Matt was on the end of the line attempting to diffuse his client’s growing anger from 3,000 miles away. “There isn’t anything in this that harms you, OK? I’ve read the copy and honestly, you come across as a really sweet guy. She paints you out to be a lovely person, someone who was helping her come to terms with the end of her marriage.”

Matt was getting no response from the other end of the phone but could picture the look on Chris’ face as it he was standing in front of him. “I know it’s not ideal. It’s not great timing but it could be so much worse. You’re not being painted as a homewrecker. We can absolutely deal with this when it happens, put out a couple of cute pictures of you and your nephews or something and all will be forgotten.”

Chris sighed in exasperation. Or was it desperation? He didn’t even know. “...who the fuck ever writes this trash? None of it is remotely true.”

“I know, I know, we’ve pushed back on a lot of the smaller details, dates and things like that, but I honestly think if we put out this statement it’ll clear up a lot of the ambiguity they’ve left in theirs. They’re just trying to get some clicks, that’s all.”

“It’s not ambiguous, Matt, it’s downright bullshit. I mean, the whole thing about the hotel is not even close to being true. I booked it ‘cos I was feeling unwell and needed a break. She just turned up. I didn’t invite her.” He was losing his cool again and becoming more upset. “And what have they said about my mom?”

“Ummm...” Matt scanned the pages scattered over his desk. He quickly located the offending quotes and just as quickly sugar-coated it to avoid one of his biggest stars passing out from stress. “Just that they’d met and got along. I actually don’t think that’s a problem for us. If anything, it shows you are close to your family and they visit you on set from time to time.”

It had been a long morning and Chris was already feeling like he wad done for the day. No, the entire week. He needed a beer. He needed beers plural and he needed to get wasted for a night and forget everything arising around him again. Better yet, he needed Sarah. She’d know what to say and when she’d finished saying it, she’d help his mind feel quieter again.

Oh fuck. Sarah.

She’ll think he’s a dickhead when she reads this. It almost goes against everything he’d explained to her and his family so far.

“When is it coming out?” Chris asked after a few moments had passed.

“They’re pushing for late August and I actually think that is out best chance. September is a busy time for magazines across the board and everyone will be talking about the big ones, Vogue and Vanity Fair etcetera. There’s no competition.” Matt was talking in a calmer tone mirroring Chris’ own change of pace. “We can slip out a quiet rebuttal and end it before it’s even began.”

“Yeh, yeh, OK. I understand.” Chris took a deep breath wearily and leaned his whole body onto the counter. He ran his free hand down his face and rested it on the beard underneath his chin, tugging slightly on the hairs in a bid to feel something else that would hopefully bring him back into the room.

“You need to trust me, Chris. That’s what you pay me for.” Matt reassured him. They exchanged as polite a goodbye as possible before hanging up. Matt threw himself back onto his desk chair, swinging it around to take in the view of a bustling downtown Los Angeles outside his office window. stuff like this was child’s play for a pro like him but Chris wasn’t a typical client. He was normal for one thing, whatever “normal” meant these days. He’d been representing him for close to nine years, one of his longest relationships now he thought about it, and one that meant a great deal to him.

Professionally, the work helped pay for his mother’s retirement home and his own holiday apartment in Aspen, Colorado, but it ran deeper than that. Chris was also a very good friend. If Chris had stuck to low-budget Indie dramas like he originally planned, Matt wouldn’t have minded even though he had worked with and had experience of dealing with mega-studios like Marvel and stars who actively sought to cover themselves in PR glory any chance they got. That sort of thing was strangely easier to handle but Chris remained quiet and adamant about sticking to his guns when it came to his private life and Matt held a very high respect for that. So, when stuff like this came along, well, Matt knew exactly what to do and was all too happy to hold a light up to the hypocrisy of the Hollywood press machine.

Thousands of miles away in a small kitchen in Boston, Chris remained holding on to the edge of the countertop as he brought his breathing back under control. Lisa, had ventured in and out at times only to fall back when she felt Chris’ bristling, nervous energy. It was rare that he got angry at Matt so something was clearly going on to cause him to lose his cool but she knew now wasn’t the right time to ask him.

“Shall I make us some lunch, sweetheart?” she finally plucked up the courage to take a few steps into her kitchen. She ran her hand lightly across his broad shoulders causing Chris to look up and take stock of his surroundings again.

“Yeh, that’d be nice, thanks.” He pulled a stool out and sat down. “Sorry if you could hear me shouting. It’s just some stuff with work but it’s fine now.” it was sweet that he was trying to make her feel better as though he himself had done something wrong.

“I didn’t hear you so don’t worry. Glad it’s fine now, though. Ham and cheese OK?” she asked, a broad smile now painted across her face that only grew wider when he nodded back at her. “Also, Scott and Shanna were going to cook some dinner later on tonight so we could pop over if you like? Save us cooking here again.”

He would very much like to head over to his sister’s apartment. That way lied harmony and he could relax in calmer surroundings and spend time with the people he loved the most. This press nonsense could wait another day. If it was going to happen regardless of his intervention, why even bother stressing about it in the first place?

It wasn’t much of a surprise to find Shanna’s kitchen a total mess when they arrived later that afternoon. Despite the comforting smell of fried onions and garlic that greeted them from the hallway, the physical view of her kitchen provided an altogether different experience. A stack of unwashed pans and remnants of chopped tomatoes and leeks spread out across the counter surface and what Scott had actually meant when he said he was also going to be helping with the cooking was that he would stir the bolognese for half an hour and check the garlic bread hadn’t burned. Other than that, Shanna appeared to have built some kind of living art installation.

The four were seated around the table, a second bottle of wine down, and gabbing about sport and nothing in particular. Chris’ quietness had not gone completely unnoticed with Scott and his mother sharing a few glances as the evening wore on.

“Is Sarah staying at work for a while, then?” asked Lisa, picking at the final slice of garlic bread after her children had decimated the rest of it.

“Yeh, I think so. It’s been a bit up and down lately after the crash and I know she’s keen to muck in as much as she can now before she goes away.” offered Shanna.

Chris’s ears perked up. “Away? What do you mean?”

“Oh crap.” Shanna banged her hand on her forehead. “Um, OK, this isn’t common knowledge and I didn’t tell you guys this but she’s possibly heading back to college to train to become a doctor.”

“Really?” Scott dropped his fork on his plate causing a loud clang that reverberated around the kitchen. “Well, good for her. She’d be an ace doctor. She looks great in scrubs and I know for a fact she handles drunk people exceptionally well.”

Shanna rolled her eyes at Scott. “She actually has the exam in New York next week and if she passes that, who knows? I can’t really tell if she’s excited or not but her parents don’t know so please don’t mention anything to them...” Shanna looked across the table at her mother whose eyes widened in response to the insinuation.

“If she gets back into college, will she stay here to train or move or what?” asked Chris trying his hardest to keep a rising level of confusion at this new information to a minimum.

Shanna merely shrugged non-committedly and he felt his frustration with his sister boil close to the surface. “I can’t see her moving or if she does then it’d be more of a commute. Like, a couple of days there and here or whatever.”

“She likes living in Boston, doesn’t she? And I imagine it would be harder for her folks to visit if she lived in New York full time.” Scott offered, some logic that Chris was grateful for. “Jocelyn hates busy cities. She would hate New York for sure.”

“Lincoln is a teach hospital, right?” Chris asked, his tone more urgent than he’d intended. “I mean, she could train here? There’d be no problem with that. I’m sure they wouldn’t wanna lose her.”

“Well, selfishly I hope she doesn’t move ‘cos who’s gonna look after your sorry ass?” Scott needled his sister with his elbow and was rewarded with a slap on his shoulder. “Or if she does move full time it means we have a party base in the city again!”

“Oh yeh I’m sure she would love you rocking up at her home at all hours of the goddamn morning.” Lisa remarked. “When is her exam, honey?”

“Thursday. She’s staying at a hotel in town a few days before to swot up on some notes Greg lent her. He rocked up with a frickin’ suitcase the other night. Just books and books of the stuff.”

“What’s he getting out of this?” Chris asked. It was not the first time talk of Greg had ruined his day and now on top of that he was starting to feel distrusting of the interest he appeared to show in her future. He especially didn’t like the knowing look he caught his family give to each other either. “Oh c’mon. He’s not her type, really. She’s said as much herself.”

“Yehhh but he’s super cute and have you seen his car?” Scott asked, pouring another glass of wine for himself. “He reminds me of, fuck, what’s that actor’s name again? The guy from Sons of Anarchy but with darker hair...”

Chris threw him a puzzled look before dismissing his comments with a wave of his hand. “Sarah’s not like that. She’s not into trivial stuff.”

“No, I know, but he’s also stable. I mean, he’s ambitious to a fault, sure, but he knows exactly what he wants and where he’s going.” Scott reasoned. “That could be good for her. I think we can all agree that this stuff with Charlotte left its mark and maybe she’s wanting to try something different? Find a bit of stability? Y’know, settle down a bit or whatever.”

“Since when did you become an expert?” Shanna spoke up. Chris was glad somebody else said it but was less glad when she laughed a second later. She nodded, evidently in agreement with his rationale.

The room fell quiet again as they finished what was left of their dinner. Chris was feeling the dread borne from this morning’s conversations now manifesting itself in the very bottom of his stomach. He regretted coming now. He should have stayed at home and gotten drunk by himself. It would have felt a whole lot nicer than what he was experiencing now.

He swirled what was left of his wine around his glass before downing it and reaching for the bottle. Just as he poured, the front door went and in and walked Sarah surprisingly fresh-faced and smiling upon catching the clan sat peacefully around the kitchen table.

“Hey!” she exclaimed, happy to see them all. She walked over to the hob to smell what was left in the pan before catching sight of them staring at her. “Why are you all looking at me like that?”

“Nothing honey. Ignore them. How was your day?” Lisa started, breaking the silence.

“The usual. I did, however, manage to separate a grown man from a Tonka truck he had glued to his hand.”

“The fuck?” Scott quizzed almost choking on his food and turning around in his chair to face her. “I swear, you have the best job I have ever heard of.”

“Hmm true story. He was making some kind of art display and held on to it for too long. Took us an hour and a tonne of olive oil from the cafeteria to free him.”

Sarah glanced between Scott and his mother laughing before clocking Chris, stony-faced and not quite making eye-contact. She left her eyes on him a little longer than she was usually comfortable with in these settings but he didn’t budge. Shanna eventually grabbed her attention by handing her a bowl of pasta that she gratefully accepted with a “yummy” and grabbed a seat at the table.

Lisa left a little over an hour later but Chris and Scott remained loitering around the kitchen and the lounge. Scott was helping to wash up alongside Sarah when she excused herself to go to the bathroom. When she emerged, she nearly ran full-on into Chris.

“Sorry.” he said, shifting to the side so she could move by him.

“It’s OK.” she moved further out of the way so he could walk in behind her. “Are you OK? You’ve barely said a word all evening.”

He glanced back to her, trying to play down his obvious discomfort. “Yeh, fine. I’ll be out in a minute.”

He closed the door behind him leaving her in the hallway at a loss as to the reason for his agitation. She could hear Shanna and Scott making a mess of what was left of the washing up, the TV volume a little louder now in anticipation for Drag Race, and she retreated into her bedroom to fold away some of her clothes that Shanna had left on her bed from their washing that day.

Chris lingered in the hallway wanting to avoid the loud shrieking now coming from the kitchen before heading towards Sarah’s bedroom. She hadn’t noticed he was there so he allowed himself to watch her, smiling to himself when he heard her hum a tune under her breath. It sounded like ‘Beat It’ only slower. He never figured her as a Michael Jackson fan. Truth be told, he didn’t know all that much about her musical tastes other than making fun of the fact that she cried at a Pixies concert some years earlier.

He viewed the couple of photographs adorning the wall, one of a family gathering, one of her Shanna graduating, before resting on the Steve McCurry print she’d bought at the exhibition. That felt like a lifetime ago now. So much had happened since but he still clearly remembered the shit he had given her at the time. All she was trying to do, he now realised, was get some answers for herself. She wanted to put to bed all of the questions she had had since she was young, questions that might offer answers for who she was as a person. Isn’t that what everyone wants?

He liked Jocelyn and Noah, they all did, they were great people. but she wasn’t a part of them physically. There was something growing somewhere in the back of her mind and as she grew older and wiser, as time moved on, she increasingly felt the differences between them. She had once tried explaining it to him, that it was like a tree and an acorn; no matter what beautiful and wonderful branches and leaves grow from it, it always comes from something small at the very beginning. The acorn directs everything that follows. He couldn’t properly understand it at the time - why would he, he had had an easy life thus far - but as he watched her shuffled around in the closet, humming to herself quietly and in her own little world, he understood that what she longed for, that all anyone ever longer for, was to feel like she belonged somewhere.

He could hear Scott and Shanna joking around in the kitchen, no cares in the world, and knew he had it lucky. Despite the crap this morning still ruminating in the back of his mind, a slight unease at what might find its way into the press over the next few weeks, it was small-fry compared to the real, honest problems normal people experience in their lives. You never know what goes on behind closed doors. Maybe Scott was right. Maybe she just wanted some stability after all, and that realisation was stirring something uncomfortable that he couldn’t name inside him.

“Hey, you OK?” she asked and he realised she had been staring at him for god knows how long. All sorts of thoughts flew through his mind in quick succession but he didn’t immediately know how to respond to such an apparently straight-forward question.

“Yeh,” he responded, clocking how unsure he sounded. “I mean, I’m good. You?”

“Yeh, I’m OK.” She smiled at him and he instantly felt better, waves of stress just ebbing away. He wanted to reach out to her and give her a hug but he knew she wouldn’t feel comfortable with his family so close by and liable to walk in at any moment so he settled instead for smiling warmly back at her and handing over some folded towels from off her bed.

A couple of moments dragged by before she decided to break the awkward silence. “I know I said I would make it up to you but work’s been busier than usual and I’ve had to cover shifts for a couple of guys as well. Michael’s ill so Audrey’s been playing nurse at home.”

He leaned back on the side of her chest of drawers and nodded slowly. He was biting the inside of his cheek and she recognised his face from when he’d shown irritation towards Shanna. He was clearly contemplating something.

“Well, you can make it up to me now if you want?” He offered, arms folded, posing an interesting predicament. He noticed the confusion cross her face and chuckled to himself. “No, not that, not with... I just meant you could do me a favour now. If you wanted to.”

Sarah looked perplexed but Chris didn’t move. He didn’t immediately offer any answer to his question so she didn’t know what he was aiming for.  She left the closet and re-entered her bedroom, taking up a stance a couple of feet in front of him. Even leaning back against her cabinet, he remained a good couple of inches taller than her. 

“Shanna said something earlier and we promised not to bring it up with you ‘cos apparently it’s supposed to be some big secret,” he started, noting the hint of verbal aggression and thinking better of it, “but are you leaving Boston?”

“What?” She asked, stunned. She never anticipated that this was where he was going.

“She said you’re heading back to the college and that you might consider starting up your doctoral training again, and...I don’t know.” He was losing confidence with every passing word. “It just sounded like it was a done deal is all.”

She oscillated between feeling annoyed that Shanna had revealed her plan to re-take her MD exam, and concern that they all assumed she was suddenly wanting to leave town. As if it would be that easy to do so.

“No, I’m not leaving Boston. My God.” she rubbed her hand across her forehead in frustration. “I am taking the exam, yes, but I haven’t figured anything else out beyond that. Honest.”

He didn’t seem altogether convinced of her response but time was passing by and the noise had died down from the kitchen so it looked like it he would just have to accept whatever she was giving him. He had hundreds of questions, many far away from being appropriate, but the sincere look on her face did some of the work for him.

“It was only an idea. I tried it before and maybe, if it works out again, it could be something different for me to focus on.” she continued. Scott has been right about one thing at least.

“If you pass, you could always train at Lincoln, though, right?” he asked quietly. He sounded like a child asking his parents if they were still going to be friends once they divorced and he hated himself for it. 

She shrugged, not having immediate answers that might make him relax a little more. He was clearly struggled with something. “I guess. I mean, I honestly have not thought about it beyond the exam. I have a lot of studying to do as well so I might not even pass it.”

“Yeh, she said Greg gave you some magazines or something.”

“Oh, good, so you’ve got the whole story, then.” Her tone validated the sarcasm behind her words. “Look, this is all so far into the future now and really, who the fuck knows what’s going to happen? But I promise that I will tell you guys everything once I know whatever the fuck it is I am thinking about.”

Selfishly, he wasn’t thinking of his family, or her family, or even her colleagues for that matter. He just wanted to know where she was going to be one month from now. Or, hell, even a year, and whether or not she would be open to him visiting her. Visiting her new apartment in Brooklyn. Or Greenwich. He could imagine her in Greenwich. It was greener and she could go for a run in the park every morning and they could grab a coffee on their way back home. He could walk her to work and wave her off and then spend all day lounging around her apartment reading the newspapers, waiting for her to come home again. One thing he had gotten used to was enjoying his quiet time a lot more when she was around. He wasn’t quite ready to give that up.

“Guys?” shouted Scott from the lounge. “It’s starting!”

“What’s starting?” he asked Sarah.

“Drag Race, I think.” she responded biting her lower lip and knowing exactly how he was going to feel about that.

“Oh fucking hell.” He threw his head back and laughed before resting his eyes back on her. “Alright. Let’s get this over with.”

*