#my social anxiety is so bad esp around texting

[browntrait]

just sent a text

[zoekrystall]

"I need to talk more I got to more but social anxiety hnnn" for months in a discord and then the day I am feeling good enough to join pokeani again is when the kalos one gets started and like that it went down a v significant amount. Going from feeling v v anxious even sending a simple quick reply to almost zero. literally the only issue is that I v often dunno what to say but when I do writing it has gotten now easier. anxiety rly shattered like that. I had such a fueled by social anxiety irrational fear of "oh nooo it's prob awkward when I wasn't active for a while and now reply to pings again" I am so glad I'm far enough to nowadays know that's bs it would be worse to stay quiet. I'm still torn on how much I keep my mic on esp reg funny stuff bc I do laugh but conveying laughter through text is a bit weird for me personally so will need to see what I'll do maybe just keep it on but also write. Like I wanna let ppl know when I laugh at what they say and I don't mind using my voice. We'll see.

Anyways for even getting to that point was trying to get into my head more and more "ppl will tell me if they don't want me around esp those prefer saying things point black. if I say smth bad/make someone uncomfortable ppl will let me know. if I don't get replies they either didn't hear/see it or simply dunno what to write/say back. i shouldn't try to change myself just bc I feel I might be the odd one and just write/talk how it feels right for me ppl want to become friends w me and not a front n if it changes its bc ppl's ways imprinted on me to a point smth similar became also natural to me" etc etc v useful and esp needed. not just for this server but simply making new connections in general. and if anything I tell my social anxiety gets disproven by ppl is that not a sign that the affirmations are wrong but that this specific person anyways wasn't worth to keep having around (nuance can apply but in short). I def still struggle but! I'm trying and that's what counts!!

[waynedunlaptheorgandonor]

can i say a sort of pointless rambly thing i was thinking about that i can't put under the cut bc i'm on mobile?

jk, i'm not actually asking. ramble below, not edited for clarity. the following is completely unclear and i will not fix it:

i've been thinking about how part of the reason i'm so chill about caryl is bc growing up as a queer woc 99% of my main ships were like, never gonna fucking happen bc they literally couldn't. it was like, "omg, they gazed at each other from across the room, let's analyze the homosexual subtext of this one scene for the next fifty years, that's not necessarily hyperbole." i've watched all my ships fuck other ppl/have other love interests, and i knew that my thing was never gonna be canon, so to see like, one thing being like, "one half of my ship fucked another person several years ago while pining for the other half of my ship," i'm like...#nice, bc that can and likely will be used as a plot point to get them together later on, whereas in other situations i've been in i just kinda had to deal with it. so my impulse when i see ppl losing their shit is to be like

and to be slightly annoyed, tbh, bc the ship is still on track to be canon, and it's like, literally two white heterosexuals, they're prime candidates for juicy angsty pining that actually gets a resolution.

but!

that being said, i recognize that that attitude isn't necessarily fair. for one thing, i'm not the only queer woc (or some variation thereof) in this fandom, and some ppl's impulse might be exasperation instead, bc like, "wtf, even my mayohet ship has dumb fucking drama," and that's valid as hell, and i get it.

and also, i get that, even if you didn't grow up shipping impossible ships (or mulder/scully, bc that's a brand of bullshit all its own), this has been a suuuuper drawn out process where sometimes it feels like they're legit sprinkling crumbs to keep you hooked, just to play you again, and when you are invested in something, like /rly/ invested, especially if it's a form of escapism or hyperfixation or whatever, that can be e x h a u s t i n g. and i get that. i truly do, and while i make a lot of snide comments about the fandom being bonkers, i do get where the bulk of you are coming from (unless you're one of those ppl who hate on actors and esp actresses for just doing their jobs, and attack them on social media, in which case i am very much judging you and you need to get your life together).

i also realize that in the scheme of things i'm still a newbie. i've been here, what, twoish/threeish years, whereas some of you have been here since the beginning, so i'm not as worn out as y'all. but i also think that gives me a bit of objectivity that some of y'all have (understandably) lost.

my positivity is not meant as a sleight against those of you who are feeling negative, but is more of a semi-objective viewpoint (i say semi, bc lbr, i'm invested af in this, so i definitely have bias), and to me the threads of the storyline they're crafting seem sort of obvious.

like, let's look at it, yeah? they have one season left of this show that has been on for over a decade. they need to cater to everyone to give them a satisfying ending, while still hanging on to carylers bc of the spin-off. darylrreah seems like a very calculated move, bc it gives them both something to make abcers happy, while also creating tension and suspense and pining for carylers (i think they might underestimate just how fed up some carylers are tbh, and are banking on us to hang on for one last ride, which, honestly? if they play it right will probably work.)

if they end up doing a dumb love triangle thing, which, without seeing the episode and gauging the subtext i can't confidently say if i think they will or won't, it will ultimately end in our favor. it has to, bc leah isn't going to third wheel them on the bike in the spin-off. we can say with good authority that whatever that relationship ends up being (again, idk if they'll drag it out or not) it will be temporary. which leaves caryl open to ride off into the sunset and then bone down in every state in the united states and in puerto rico for good measure.

it's a lot of cheap drama, but i really and truly do not think it's anything to worry about, and i still really and truly trust kang to not make it out of character. ik ppl still don't agree with me on that point, and i'm not gonna argue, but to me it really does make perfect sense.

and i also predict that they are gonna play it up hardcore in the promotional shit and talking dead, but when that happens, remember it's bc it gets attention. regardless of where the story is ultimately going, relationship drama gets attention, which gets viewers, which gets amc and twd producers nice and comfy with full pockets

idk. to sum up ig i just wanted to clarify that i don't mean any harm with my relentless positivity. my history in fandom has just made this seem like nothing in comparison, bc while ppl are freaking out, i'm like, "oh damn, they're actually gonna get together by the end of this, aren't they? i didn't know that could happen!" and that makes me excited instead of upset

and you definitely don't have to listen to me. maybe i'm actually wrong. maybe i'm completely full of bullshit and am just good at making things sound confident. i got a lot of As on papers in college over books i never read, i know how to bs. but i also know how to analyze, and i while i will be the first to tell you i am not the best at a great many things, i do know that i am good at critically analyzing text while taking into account the context it was written in, and imho all signs point to canon caryl. when, i'm not entirely sure, but i see it happening. if it doesn't then they severely fucked up their storytelling, and that'd just be bad writing on their part.

(if you want proof that i'm good at reading writers'/producers' intentions, consider that i watched like, 8 seasons of supernatural before giving up, and said to myself, "i think they're gonna make destiel canon, but not until the very last second bc they are rly into catering to their fans but also have to consider their dumb fanboy audience so they can't do anything crazy overtly gay," and guess who hit the nail on the fucking head on that one)

none of this is important, but it was rattling around my mind grapes and i wanted to write it down into something vaguely coherent, and where else better to do it than here. i can word vomit and then send it into the ether and pretend i never said a thing. i love this horrible website, nothing can compare

i have no real conclusion to this, it was mostly stream of consciousness, but i hope it sort of helps y'all understand where i'm coming from, and why i am as chill as i am about things. not about y'all. y'all cause me so much anxiety i get physically sick and have to legit block tags, but with the actual show content i'm zen as hell

uh

the end ig?

it feels weird even signing off on this, but w/e

-diz

[selfcareparker]

WHY CANT I KEEP EVERYTHING IN ONE POST FFS, (on procrastination) i spent about half an hour scrolling reels on instagram that i didn’t even like.. like have you done that? like maybe the next will be better lmao

IM SO GLAD YOU GOT YOUR LAPTOP FIXED!!! hopefully that makes the zoom-uni better? how is uni going btw?

also i don’t remember how long you were gone for jshsjgsjsj but i checked a lot 😭 i feel like we have to catch up now, like you’re a friend i haven’t seen in a long time and i forgot to respond to the last text you sent me and now it’s like WAIT WHATS GOING ON WITH YOU lmaoo

i love healthy mom-daughter relationships😌 like me and my mom are best friends and everyone says it’s weird and unhealthy but it’s not?? and i love that you and your mom can talk about the neighbors above you HAHAH

but ily 😭😭 i know i keep saying that but i’m so glad you’re back bc i missed you <333 i’m gonna reread your response bc i swear i’ve read it i just need to refresh myself hdshsjs

- lovely anon 💘

Wait omg when did you send this? I only just saw it 😭

I’m good sksjsjsj not much to talk about. I’m just doing uni stuff and most of my lectures (esp linguistics— which is very surprising) are really really fun. I submitted my first ever assignment last night 👉🏼👈🏼 but it wasn’t that hard so I definitely think/hope I’ll get a good grade/mark. (🤞🏼)

And okay I really do not want to complain about having too much free time... but I have too much time on my hands omg

I thought I’d be busy 24/7 once uni started, and one of the things that was giving me the most anxiety and depression in the last year was not having anything to do. But now I only have like one lecture a day and not really a lot of homework (again I don’t want to complain, I don’t need more homework💀 but yeah) or assignments and I don’t have any lectures on Friday. So I always have a 3 day weekend which sounds amazing in theory but honestly I’ve just been sitting around, not knowing what to do and feeling useless for those 3 days (Fri-Sun) every week.

I might get my vaccine (was about to spell that ‘vaxine’ 🤠) soon so maybe I can do more and meet more people but I’m not really that social and I’d be doing something once a week max. so I don’t think much will change sksjsh

I feel really bad about complaining about how little work I have to do like obviously I’m grateful that I’m not super busy all the time but... idk more free time means more time to overthink lol

One good thing is that I might have my driver’s license soon? I mean I’m quite good at driving but there are so many tiny mistakes that you could make that automatically mean you fail, even though everyone else makes those mistakes daily (they’re not really mistakes but you know, it’s just not what you’re supposed to do but nothing happens if you do it anyway irl, but in the test they’re just like: okay you can stop now cause you’ve failed 🙂). Idk how to explain it and i can’t think of any examples burneks

And another very very good thing is that (if and when I get my vaccines) my mum/mom(lmao) and I might be able to go to England and see our family! We haven’t seen them since 2019 and both her and I are really close to my grandad and all the other relatives in England really so that would be cool!!!!!!!

Omg I hate people who say that being friends with your parents is unhealthy? No. Not being friends with your parents is unhealthy lmao. (By friends I just mean being close with them obviously lol)

I love you moooore and (again) I missed you 💘💘💘 what’s going on in your life? Do you have anything planned for when school ends? 🥰

I feel like this was a really bad reply but idk why lol

[redandfranticfeelings]

okay ive been wanting to make a post like this for a while but i wanted to make it an essay and i dont know if i can really organize my thoughts in that way yet, so here’s a chronological bullet-pointed dump to explain my very important thesis:

be more chill is about internalized ableism, and jeremy, michael, and christine are all highly autistic coded. this is going to be very long and detailed but only because there’s a lot of details that work very well under this lens.

there’s probably even stuff i missed but this is already extremely long so it basically just functions as a way for me to collect a bunch of details that i can piece together later in a more coherent manner.

“more than survive” in the context of jeremy being autistic works so much. the theme of wanting to be just socially acceptable enough to not burn out or be harassed is so relatable, and it visually establishes very early how jeremy is isolated from his peers due to his own awkward behavior and hypersensitivity. it’s coupled with his very obvious anxiety disorder, but the social aspect just screams autistic coding to me. i take this song to basically be “not having a meltdown is basically my goal but i would love to be neurotypical enough so i can heighten my standards and actually enjoy my social life.” some choice segments:

“if i’m not feeling weird or super strange, my life would be in utter disarray, cuz freaking out is my okay”

jeremy’s house being a mess is partly due to his dad’s serious depression, yeah, but i believe the other aspect is that jeremy’s executive dysfunction makes it just as hard to clean up in his place

he gets super anxious at the prospect of his expected routine being shaken up and having to make the decision on his own of how to get to school

“so i follow my own rules and i use them as my tools to stay alive” honestly sounds like a euphemism for autism to me

jeremy not really realizing that he’s staring at chloe

“avoiding any eye contact at all” explains itself

michael’s introduction, oh my god, every time i watch this part i just adore it. i could talk a lot more about michael’s autism later but this whole segment sells it especially.

first off, michael keeping his hood up and headphones on in a deliberate attempt to avoid social interaction and stay in his own space is such an autistic mood. even before this scene he’s constantly moving in the background to his music a la stimming. in the later performances he spends a lot more time playing with his hoodie strings and even chews on them!!

the fact he doesn’t talk to or even really look at jeremy until his song is done playing also feels very autistic to me! and the way he dances so confidently and basically pretends even his best friend isn’t there for the time being because he’s engrossed in his own passions.

michael is a great friend but it’s clear that he doesn’t really understand that his coping mechanism doesn’t really work for jeremy, and that even though michael feels confident reclaiming his identity as a ‘loser,’ jeremy doesn’t really feel any better about it. i think a lot of autistic folks, or at least i do, have this tendency to assume what works for us works for everyone around us at first due to our struggles with empathy. michael tries his best but struggles to see outside his point of view. it’s mind-blindness in action and jeremy can’t communicate why it upsets him any better than michael can pick up on it not working for him.

near the end of the song, they have a brief moment where all the ensemble crowds in around jeremy and the lights start flashing, which i interpret as a visual representation of sensory overload.

we’ll talk more about her soon, but outside of jeremy’s fantasies about her, christine also avoids social interaction during this number, constantly hiding her face in a book and avoiding eye contact just as much as jeremy. people forget that she’s not comfortable with unexpected social interaction, and that really informs my headcanon for her which brings us to....

“i love play rehearsal” is an autistic anthem. it also works, possibly even better due to in-text evidence, as an adhd anthem, but combined with the above it makes so much sense for her to be comorbid autism/adhd. i did a breakdown of the song in this context before, but i’ll sum it up here

the song showcases what having a special interest/hyperfixation is like. christine is singing to jeremy, yes, but she really seems so caught up in her own passion without much regard for how jeremy is following it, and even cuts him off from responding to her once or twice because she’s just so hyped up on her own feelings. she also basically implies her happiness is reliant on her special interest which is very relatable.

lines like “you follow a script so you know what comes next” also really sell the interpretation that christine isn’t good in unpredictable situations, and has so many identity issues and likes having something to look to where things are laid out for her. i think that stability is what a lot of autistic people look for, especially teenagers.

also with that in mind, look at how upset she gets watching a play she loves about get rewritten into something weird and new that she doesn’t know.

also gotta love how she still self-isolates before this song by focusing on her book, until she has a reason to infodump to jeremy. and then feels guilty afterwards and goes right back into her book while apologizing for getting “carried away”....biiiig mood there

the whole intro scene showcases both of their awkwardness so much. jeremy gets completely thrown off by her sarcastic comment about the swim team and almost believes it, which implies that he can’t read tone very well. and then christine’s “you’re a virgin” comment comes across like she really didn’t think about how that would sound to jeremy before saying it since she only made the clarification after he was ready to panic about it. she has a habit of speaking before she thinks, i think, the self-harm comment is also very awkward considering she barely knows jeremy.

after that scene we get “more than survive reprise” where jeremy admits to routinely having such bad breakdowns that he needs to step out and go to the nurse which works for both the anxiety disorder and the autism interpretation.

i’m not quite sure whether i see rich as autistic (i see him with a lot of mental issues for sure though) so i can’t say much on “the squip song” but there’s definitely something to describing a confused autistic kid as “almost helpless.” rich definitely has a habit of giving too much information though, i’ll say that.

“two player game” is just jeremy and michael being autistic solidarity: the song. i guess this is a good place to say that jeremy and michael work well as a contrast b/w two sides of autistic community, the side that struggles to function and desperately wants a change bc they’re afraid of being alone forever, and the side that tries to love all their symptoms and embrace their autistic pride. and as coincidental icing on the cake, jeremy wears blue (associated with the derogatory views from autism speaks) and michael wears red (associated with combating said views through autistic pride).

btw you could probably attribute michael’s ability to casually down a long-expired crystal pepsi as a sort of weird sensory quirk. and his fixation w/ that sort of memorabilia honestly feels like a special interest in its own right!

both “nice sideburns....wolverine, right” and “like in x-men????” using fiction as a reference point for real life always gives me autistic vibes (esp the first point where he awkwardly uses it to start conversation). can we assume x-men is a special interest? :3

jake referring to jeremy as a ‘freak’ when the squip turns on is really sad in this context but it also does make so much sense

now we get to the squip.....and what do you know, it uses tactics from abusive therapy used on autistic children. dare i say that “be more chill” as a song isn’t just an abuser’s song, but an ableist’s abuser’s song.

first off, the “spinal stimulation.” here’s a not so fun fact: electroshock therapy has been used to discourage autistic behavior in very recent years. (content warning in link for graphic description of ableist torture)

then the lyrics, in which the squip mostly focuses on jeremy’s posture and physically punishes him for disobeying. jeremy is shown to really struggle to stand up straight and pose himself in a normal, confident way, and i think that tendency to be unaware of what our body is doing is a pretty autistic thing?

the fact the squip singles out stammering and refers to jeremy’s “tics and fidgets” brings attention to two more autistic traits of jeremy’s

the squip basically punishes jeremy for responding “incorrectly” to social situations like rejecting brooke, even if they aren’t objectively wrong. it eventually just starts speaking for jeremy because jeremy seems incapable of acting natural. the squip is an abusive autism parent.

“sync up” demonstrates jeremy’s weird relationship with empathy. he wants to be nice to everyone- will has even called him “deeply empathetic”- but he’s initially really bad at seeing other people’s point of view, which is why he positions himself as sort of against the world, seeing everyone as better than him or trying to set up these barriers of Coolness where everyone else must be perfect compared to him. he’s so surprised to learn that the popular kids also hurt because of his strict idea of the social structure. it’s a combination of low self esteem and a black-and-white viewpoint.

let’s go back to christine. the squip, already established as ableist abuser, finds her “highly unusual” for acting in a way that disregards everyone who views her. she has very strange and specific visions in her head, and it seems very natural for her even if jeremy struggles to follow along.

in later performances, she chews on her sleeve and spins around during AGTIKBI. that’s stimming, babes. also gotta acknowledge “i don’t always relate to other people my age, except when i’m on the stage”

i’m gonna use this section to talk about jake and christine. christineis a bit unsure when interacting with jake, until he validates her interest- her acting is what really touches him. but jake, while good-hearted, has trouble being self-centered and thus not fully aware of christine’s own needs and space. so christine is always a little uncomfortable around him, especially in public, and not always willing to socialize. he is right about her being kind of stuck in her comfort zone, though, not doing anything off of her stage. and he is genuinely nice to her, it’s just a matter of their social strategies clashing.

the fact that the squip blocks out michael...i’ve had a lot of times in my life where i was told that socializing with other “weird” people would be counterproductive for my social development and it was part of why i was stuck with so few friends. so i really feel the idea that blocking out the person who helps you feel confident in your atypicality is framed as a good thing so you can act more socially adept, and that doing otherwise would just drag you both down.

hot DAMN does “loser geek whatever” make so much sense for an autistic kid with internalized ableism.

“it’s not only school that’s rough, being lonely’s stupid tough” makes it pretty clear this isn’t about the school social scene as muc as it is the entire social scene of the world. we may not see it, but it’s just (not) interacting with people in general that jeremy can’t stand.

“michael says that weird is rad but feeling weird just makes me sad” as stated above, makes a Lot More Sense with the idea that michael is both a more confident autistic and really bad at addressing jeremy’s own internalized ableism and desire to make connections outside his small friend group.

everything about jeremy boiling down all his problems to his “instincts” sucking and needing to basically be told what to do really highlights how autistic kids can feel broken because of their inability to fit into the social norm, to the point where we repress every behavior that actually makes us feel comfortable and unique. 

not to mention the line about him being seen as a “normal handsome guy” since autistic people tend to be infantilized and never seen as desirable (will roland also implied this line has trans coding which is another discussion altogether but i feel i should acknowledge that here)

all of those terms that jeremy calls himself near the end- namely weirdo, misfit, oddball, freak, failure- all of this sounds like the shit people throw at autistic kids. like this goes beyond anxiety alone, this is jeremy being outcasted and oppressed by the general public due to his behavior. especially the “please don’t speak” part, considering how often autistic kids are mocked for misunderstanding when to speak, how to speak, and what to talk about. jeremy needs some freaking love. :(

“michael in the bathroom” is a panic attack, related to severe anxiety, but i do see a lot of aspects that play into autism as well. the little nervous stimmy movements of foot-bouncing and picking at grout, the explosive sensory overload during the “knock knock” section of the bridge, the whole concept of losing the only person you ever managed to connect to without sacrificing who you are, dealing with this massive change to your sense of philosophy and reality where you pinned everything on one person to ground yourself, and thus you’re now completely lost trying to isolate yourself from this big overwhelming social gathering...neurodivergent anthem all around.

jeremy and christine’s couch interactions during halloween give me such autistic positivity. christine basically echolales jeremy’s weird noise and they both have so much fun vocal stimming that they forget there’s another person in the room. it’s such a sweet moment until jeremy ruins it by realizing that asking her out right after a breakup is Not Really Good For Her.

christine’s reaction to the fire demonstrates a clear case of hyperempathy to me. it isn’t discussed as much as a complete lack of empathy, but autistic folks are prone to feeling way too much especially when it comes to others’ pain. christine talking about how she hates that everyone’s hurting and desperately wants to help but doesn’t know how, and how we’ve already seen how much she struggles to connect with others like jake....it’s a very relatable, very specific autistic mood.

going back to the theme of jeremy and empathy, christine’s above hyperempathy kind of breaks this mold, and while jeremy always does feel for the other kids, by this point he feels so strongly- particularly for christine, who he also saw as a perfect confident being until now- that the squip can manipulate him into “fixing” everyone the same way the squip was supposed to “fix” him. and he never considers that christine doesn’t need to be fixed because he just projects his own insecurity that strongly onto everyone else who seems “weird” in the same kind of way- hence why he assumes michael is jealous of him back in MITB. it’s likely a result of the squip’s manipulation but i feel like mind-blindness is a factor, even if jeremy switches between struggling to process others’ emotions and being extremely empathetic.

michael’s special interest saves the day!!! :D

the whole fight b/w jeremy and michael, assuming it comes from a genuine place of repressed bitterness, has a lot of added subtext with them both being autistic. jeremy accusing michael of “giving up” on social interaction, michael envies jeremy for trying bc michael is clearly Not comfortable in most large social settings, jeremy envies michael for his pride, it just hits home for me i guess

rich calling michael “antisocial headphones kid” honestly how is michael not canon autistic

in the off-bway version michael briefly speaks too loud forgetting that jeremy’s head still hurts which is a relatable Forgot About Boundaries thing. plus him smacking rich playfully forgetting that rich is Still In Pain

“voices in my head” works nice as a fuck-societal-norms-and-just-be-happy song. “embrace the traits that make you so odd” in particular :’)

jeremy remembering christine’s infodump about her obscure bowling alley performance art idea and bringing it up to her again!!!

the squip doesn’t go away because ableism and the anxiety it brings and all the upsetting symptoms of autism don’t go away, but with the right support and confidence you can live with them!!! good message for mental disorders in general and works very well in this context!!!

so in conclusion.....be more chill is autistic pride!!!

[autumnslance]

I dunno how to use twitter *handwaves*

Anyway. I just see a lot of “Posts that gripe about everyone in duty finder” and then “Posts by people scared of entering duty finder” and cannot help but think “Hey maybe there’s a correlation.”

Maybe I’m just old and tired of negativity bias.

Transcript below the cut (with typo corrections):

I see so many people go on about jerks in FFXIV DF & it kinda puzzles me. While they exist, they strike me as minority. Usually groups are quiet. If someone is salty, I start with lack of acknowledgement. If they keep it up, gentle admonishment or defusing with humor can work.

I’ve dealt with my share of nasties that just want to be mean or elitist. I was silently kicked from my first ever Gubal run near the end of the dungeon, still dunno why. So hard to also take it seriously. I’ve rolled my eyes at salty alliance or pvp chat where everyone’s grumpy.

Maybe some of it is a thicker skin, after years in a much more vocal community, where access to the PTR meant people expected you to know mechanics day 1. But I think a lot of it is perception and that tendency to recall negative things easier.

I definitely go with a friend or two when I can, but I also spend a lot of time in DF myself. Being friendly & helpful oneself can go a long way to making a run more pleasant for everyone. I don’t have to be an expert in my current class to give helpful boss reminders.

When I was leveling a new tank or healer job in a random, I said so at the outset. Most people were like “oh ok” & no problem. Because they knew what they were getting into now. I ran into very little salt as a new healer or tank, and got some pointers from folks.

Some could definitely have been made in a nicer way, but tone is hard over text, and when typing quickly in a dungeon, and I tend to live by the “don’t ascribe malice when incompetence/inexperience/ignorance is more likely.” So then I go back to setting tone by example.

One of the best runs ever was a Baelsar’s Wall where the tank and healer were pals & stopped to ask if they could give the BLM, a returning player, advice, as that was tank’s main. We stood around 15ish mins while they talked. Apologized to me for the wait but I was happy for it.

I feel like a lot of people look for the negative. They come on twitter or tumblr to gripe & complain about the scrubs in their run, & it’s their account so they can, but what’s being done to try to help said scrubs? Esp when people make as many posts being anxious to enter DF?

If all I see on twitter from mutuals & the people they like/retweet are being nasty about people in DF is it surprising people are scared to learn the social parts of the game? To make an effort in DF, or speak up when needing help, if they end up mocked on a popular blog?

I see twitters I don’t follow but mutuals do, & if all I see from those posts is salt about DF, I mute. I don’t follow you & don’t want to if you’re Too Cool to do anything but contribute to salt. I get venting. I get frustration. I get burnout from trying to be kind & ignored.

But then my response is maybe step back and see why one has such a burnt attitude. If there is anything to make runs more pleasant. Or just learn how to suck it up for a few minutes and finish things, not expecting every player to be expert savage level competent/knowledgeable.

And yeah there are some where it seems like “this should be obvious!” But it’s NOT always. Maybe they play occasionally or just got back or aren’t really game-savvy at all but their friends play so they do too. Maybe they’re really young, really old, disabled, or just clueless.

My question when someone gripes about folks not knowing something is “what did you do to help? How?” Sure some will ignore it, or be snarky back, but did you TRY? Or you just as weary/scared of those responses as those folks scared to enter DF to begin with?

Just consider if you’re thinking more about the bad while overlooking the good, letting that anxiety or anger control your interactions with others in this silly online game. Consider how you can make that better for yourself & others. Takes time & effort, but worth more in end.

[pooklet]

unaesthetic asks (anon edition)

i usually use a psd for asks to make them look nice and transparent and number them but tbh it’s just keeping me from answering asks quickly, having to shift layers around and stuff. so this is me literally cutting and pasting the text of some asks into a text post instead, sry.

if i did not answer yr thing here i lost/never got the ask, need a separate post to answer it (community lot anon), or worked myself into an anxious lather when i did not have an immediate response at the ready and fled into the woods to hide inside an old damp log and mutate slowly into a creature composed entirely of moss.

1) hey friend i think i can actually help with this one! slig did my poor lover for momma lisa, and has a few of my other skins linked to different body meshes in this tag here. @asimplevampire​ also did rehash for androgyny. those are the two i know off the top of my head but if anyone else knows any others pls reply to this post!

i don’t personally make showerproof skintones for body meshes because i a) am lazy and b) don’t usually take pics of my sims in the shower or naked in general so the occasional floating head just gives me a lil chortle when it does happen.

2) yis, it is the second to last one in this post by @magpieplayssims​ with a bunch of face masks piled on.

3) i use a personal edit of gunmod’s 3.1 A camera which alters the, like, central pivot axis so i can swing the camera underground into any basements i might be using. as a result, whenever i load the lot, it starts me off zoomed inside the floor, you just gotta zoom out with the scroll wheel to get above ground and it works normally from there. i haven’t figured out how to mitigate this while still being able to access underground rooms. which is why my edit never got its own post, but i did share it here.

4) nah, not really. i mean i have an outdated one at the back of my catalogue but my face is boring to me cuz i see it every day n stuff & i’m less and less interested in making human features now that custom sliders have let me go absolutely mad with power.

5) ye sorry i put that on my to-do list and promptly forgot about it cuz my brain seems to think that putting something on a list means it’s done forever now!!!! but now it’s actually done and i’m fixing the other links too.

6) yr phone is a craven liar and i will not stand for this libel. earlier today i was genuinely bewildered by a discussion about channing tatum cuz i thought his name was tatum channing. i sat there for minutes, convinced that there were two guys in hollywood one named channing tatum and the other named tatum channing and wondering if that ever got confusing for them.

7) u would be surprised, friend! my memory is a lawless wasteland but i do not end up chatting back and forth w/ many ppl b/c i am a seething pit of social anxiety. if we talked, like, more than twice, i probs remember u!

8) omg i was about to be like “nah i never made nosemasks for those” but that is a fucking lie of the highest caliber, i totally did make one (1) set and then forgot entirely about it. i will post them with the next batch of bodyshop content which should be Shortly (and if i don’t just yell @ me and i’ll just lazily put them on sfs and link them in a reply).

also thank u anon i am glad u like my content! :D

9) omg thank u so much anon that is so sweet of u to say!! truly i don’t feel like i have accomplished a whole lot beyond managing to snag @resurrection-failed​ but that is definitely the Best thing i could accomplish so i am 100% fine w/ that

10) oh ts4. i want to play it real bad but i have discovered that playing games that are still being updated and could break at any moment due to a new patch or ep gives me hives. esp when it’s sims games b/c those are held together exclusively w/ wishes and prayers as it is. they’re like the bottom panel of an expanding brain meme on spaghetti coding. at least when the game is Done there nothing else for EA to break (... right?). plus i only have base+pets and no money to throw at the other expansions so i could maybe download 1/10th of the cc available out there ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

but i am excited to be late af to the party. lemme tell u. thank u for saying such nice things, anon!! i hope u have a good day also. like, lots of ‘em.

11) hey anon! it’s built into tumblr’s text editor. u type the text first, highlight it, and click on the fourth button that looks like a slouchy figure 8 to insert yr link. i’m not sure if it’s the same on mobile, tho, cuz the tumblr mobile app is self-elected torture.

12) i do not right now but i can make one. idk if it would interest you but i am also doing a big ol’ blend of the hq eyes and wifezaya’s favorite ephemera mist eyes and will make a default version of those too when they are done.

13) nah i am still using my v3 texture for straight hairs and for waves or natural hair i just use nouk’s originals. i’m old-fashioned and boring. if u need help w/ making yr own, tho, i would suggest checking out @furbyq​’s tutorial here!

14) hey friend! i did have plans to do that, in that vague way where i have plans to do many things but most of the time end up taking a five-hour nap under a cat instead or watchin game grumps. luckily, @digitalangels​ is a doll and did it for me so consider this my official endorsement. i am pooklet and i approve this action.

15) hey anon. when did i call it that?? i think usually i just call it marriage or equal marriage if i need to specify (or gay marriage if i’m feelin Spicy cuz nonbinary-for-nonbinary is pretty gay). if i did say same-sex it was probs w/ implied air-quotes since that was the term du jour when we got married, which was 3+ years before the supreme court mandate, when it was only legal in some places and everyone was still ‘‘‘‘debating’’’’ the ‘‘‘‘issue’’’’ of queers gettin all married.

16) i been gatherin’ links for u anon but lemme look around a lil more. i will either give this its own post or add it as its own section in the resource post that is like .... five years overdue. meanwhile if anyone reading this has anything they either know is made for dark skin or works well universally or knows of a list like this that already exists, i would appreciate links!

17) I KNOW THAT’S YOU, AZAYA

[extrology]

Get to Know Kyungsoo (D.O.)

(12 January 1993, Seoul)

Let me begin by saying that it’s extremely difficult for Kyungsoo to express himself and be understood by others. His tightest aspect is Moon Opposition Venus at (-0,01′) literally as tight as an aspect can be. And it’s just such a difficult aspect, I’ll cover it in later posts but think of it this way “Very few people know Kyungsoo, I doubt even other exo members are close enough to know and understand the real Soo not because he doesn’t want to connect to others (oh trust me, he wants to be loved sooo bad). He’s just constantly misunderstood and doesn’t know how to show his care and love“.

Actually this pancake is so interesting, layers upon layers and every single one is more different and interesting than the rest. Even after a whole week of studying his chart I doubt I have a grasp on him.

Dominants/key notices:

lacks air and fire in his table

fire void in one’s table can mean lack of assertiveness OR the person may try to overcompensate by appearing as super manly and powerful (think Luhan)

people who don’t have a lot of air placements dislike “small talk”, think it’s pointless and aren’t that big of socializers

as capricorn dominant he really respects authority, is hardworking, ambitious, likes working on details and is a great organizer

absolutely loves working on details, learning. Constantly wants to improve his mind and work

Capricorn stellium sun, mercury, uranus and neptune (ego, brains and dreams)

This combo makes a very down-to-earth person

very realistic dreams (less dream-like, more like goals)

loves working on details

ambitious, calm and hardworking cutiepie

rational, clearheaded and logical

stubborn and prefers to be in charge rather than bossed around

dislikes surprises

easily concentrates

very practical, responsible and persistent

will never simply bail on a project, will always see it through

nobody is as good at finding the right resources and making the best out of them

rather inflexible thus needs  to learn how to bend and adapt as things don’t always go as he might want

his serious/formal-ish image might make him look angry, unpleasant and difficult to approach

when in reality he’s just cautious

constantly feels like everybody is judging him (as he judges others himself, he thinks others do the same)

doesn’t talk much

making friends is super difficult for him

but the ones he befriends have his unbreakable loyalty (like, this man still prefers hanging out with his childhood friends, tell me this aint loyalty)

yes he’s a great friend but still awful at texting back

i don’t really want to talk about relationships in this series, just know that Kyungsoo would be the absolute bestest husband ever. No buts. I’ll tell you guys about it one day, You’ll melt~

what a thinker he is, he just has to explore and think over all options before making a decision

slow and methodical, appreciates structure in his life

brilliant memory and a passion for learning

material success is VERY important to him

he just loves working, and when stressed he just works even harder, and becomes even more focused

this can wear him down so if you ever meet him just tell’im to relax a bit ty

he’s naturally very cautious

tends to keep his ideas, beliefs and thoughts to himself

by doing this, he puts far too much pressure, worry and stress on himself

it’s a huge struggle for Capricorn dominants to open up and be spontaneous (especially considering his Moon Opposite Venus this is just painful)

he doesn’t want to appear foolish, so chooses what to say carefully, because of this might come off stiff

if he looks confident and natural during a speech you can bet he worried himself sick over how he’d appear and practiced all night

doesn’t get influenced or swayed by others easily

but often feels the need to prove himself

will live and die by his beliefs

actually learns life lessons rather slowly because of his stubbornness

usually chooses a subject and becomes an expert in it (rather than being jack of all trades and learn everything at the same time)

really fascinated by history and traditions

thus wants to do something practical and useful so that he’d leave a mark on this world that would stand the test of time (I believe that’s one of the reasons why he got into acting)

might appear judgmental and strict as he just doesn’t have the patience to explain the obvious

dislikes air-headed people

absolutely hates people who don’t keep their word

pretty skeptical about new ideas, needs time to think them over

powerful voice and he proves he’s worth listening to

has a bad habit of getting himself into negative thoughts

but would not tell anybody until on the point of breaking down

some topics he’d love to talk about: his life goals, history, his reputation and ambitions

most likely a weeb/furry

passive aggressive little shit, but almost everybody in exo is passive aggressive so they probably understand each other well (it’s a joke guys, I’m not trying to be rude)

And now virgo moon and his emotions

what emotions? he’s a virgo moon, he has none

end of paragraph

jk jk

all virgo moons are in denial of having emotions

they don’t do feelings because those are problematic and make life more complicated as they seek perfection, order & have high expectations of themselves

feels shy and insecure about showing others how he feels as he sees it like burdening others and for him feelings = flaw

even a bigger hard worker

but often anxious

he loves being liked and to have friends (even though he doesn’t say it)

but won’t hesitate to cut off a toxic friend out of his circle

secretly thinks he’s better than everybody else~

also, doesn’t say it, but needs constant validation from others 

honestly pisses others off with his love (as a virgo moon, I know what I’m talking about)

will tell you to not stay up late and go to sleep, eat healthy, put on your seat-belt, quit smoking, lecture about your unhealthy lifestyle...

for others it might sound like nagging

but he says it because he truly cares about your health and safety and it would break his heart if you got hurt

will show his love through constructive criticism (the saddest part is that people nowadays can’t take criticism)

but he doesn’t want to hurt you

he wants your relationship and you to be the best you can

almost always gets misunderstood for this showing of love and probably believes there’s something wrong with him sigh

feels like he doesn’t deserve love and sympathy

thus always needs to feel useful

finds it rather difficult to understand other’s feelings

enjoys the little things in life, may deny it, but likes running errands, meddling with details, taking care of the house (may complain, but if he’ll get appreciated, he’ll do his very best)

usually the first to volunteer to help someone

really loves routine or at least feeling that his work is necessary and meaningful

open affection most likely would make him to pull back a bit

give him time to make himself comfortable around you and he’ll show his true colors ^^

Virgo moons enjoy being busy and they’re happy as long as their life feels under control

usually put up invisible barriers to others, whether they realize it or not

they hope that others will put forth the extra effort to get to know them anyway... (haha kill me)

With cancer mars ruling his aggression, he’s rather emotional about conflicts (unlike everybody depicts him)

finds it difficult to let go of past pains, tends to hold grudges

that’s actually the main cause of conflicts - everything pilling up until it explodes into tears

would do almost anything to avoid an argument

sensitive when it comes to family, very close friends, internal anxieties and uncertain future

indifference hurts him more than anything

emotional displays would occur if he felt threatened

seeks security in everything

not very vocal about his needs and expects others to figure it out

exceptionally loyal

loves babies and would want children asap

Bonus:

his sun, moon, mercury, neptune is all strict structure, work and locked up feelings

but his love life is as soft and cute as cotton candy

he’d release all his suppressed emotions, would love his family dearly, would be constantly smiling and just so so happy. Would love talking to his wife, breakfast to bed, hugs, cuddles and just being soft together

he’s such an emotional romantic under that hard shell. Such a family man

he also understands how relationships work very well. He’s not afraid of ups and downs of marriage, divorce is VERY unlikely, he just naturally knows how to have a happy marriage

with Moon in 10th house (esp in conjunction with MC) he would find it easier to express his feelings in public than in private. In his case though (as he has a lot of harsh placements when it comes to relationship with others) thus it makes him exceptionally good at expressing feelings in movies.

And that, my dears, why he’s so good at acting. He might have struggled with expressing himself all his life but stars aren’t cruel, if they take from one aspect of life, they bless you in another ^^

[Masterlist]

[getinthefunvee]

mobile-friendly rules

GENERAL INFO

❔ #getinthefunvee

❔ semi-private:  will generally only write with mutuals, but very happy to meet new people.

❔ exclusivity:  is pre-pubescent and used as a cliquey gatekeeping & ostracising mechanism 99% of the time. I do not practice character or ship exclusivity; I will side-eye you if you do, and I will not tolerate it on my dash, and I will lay the verbal smack-down if I see you using it to bully someone else. I've been playing with some muns for nearly 5 years, and at least one for more than a decade; if anyone was going to be an exclusive, it would be those friends, but exclusivity = possessiveness and it's really, really not the way to roll your adult relationships. Note: if you choose to make me your exclusive Tony for any reason (ie, if you generally hate Tony interaction and want to avoid it, emotional safety reasons, whatever) please give me a heads up. Please be aware that, as stated above, I will not do exclusivity in return.

❔ basic etiquette:  human decency is expected. Do not attempt to god-mod (it's so 90s), force-ship, engage in pass-aggro nastiness, harassment, or any other asshattery. Thanks.

❔  Personals et al are very welcome to follow and 'like' RP posts and to reblog non-RP content. Please don't reblog RP threads you aren't participating in; it's creepy, and I will call you out on it.

❔ multi-muse, side & personal journals:  I will not follow you back if you run a multi-muse blog or RP from your persona that heavily features muses from fandoms I’m not familiar withl; I really need to limit dash clutter in order to be able to focus. (ADD & autism are gr8 that way.) That doesn't mean I won't RP with you on your multi-muse blog, and I'm very happy to RP with side blogs, but I will not RP with personals.

❔ OCs, female characters, obscure canon characters:  This shouldn’t need to be said, but: Yes please! I look for fully-formed characters whose creation you've put thought into; this goes for 'popular' canon characters in equal measure.

❔ crossovers:  Please check with me first to make sure I'm familiar with your fandom.

❔ cut your replies:  Please cut your replies & repost asks as new posts when replying. (note: this is not the same as 'read mores'; I'm happy to explain the difference.) I will not follow you if you never cut your replies.

❔  You must have rules or, at the very least, your age stated somewhere on your blog. I will always read your rules before interacting, and I ask that you please do the same.

ABOUT THIS BLOG

❕  est Dec 2012

❕  21 or over for intermittent content which may not always be tagged; I will generally not play with you if you are under 21 as I may not be comfortable writing certain content [because I'll feel like a dinosaur]. I will not RP with anyone under 18 years old, regardless of thread content or your geographical location's 'legal age.' This is not up for discussion, though I'm happy to explain the legal ramifications (for you and your RP partners around the world) of lying about your age. tl;dr I'm not going to jail so you can have smut. Thanks.

❕ safe space:  This blog is fiercely inclusive. I make a point of avoiding ableist or bigoted language and terminology. Please come talk to me in chat or send an ask and tell me if I screw up. note: If you ever need to talk about anything, or if you're having a really bad day, I'm here for you & wouldn't want you to feel alone. Seriously. Come talk to me. I do have chat set to mutuals only thanks to the huge influx of spam messages I was getting, but you can always unfollow me after we’re done talking (I won’t be upset) or send me an ask if that's easier.

❕ triggers:  I will tag genuine triggers when asked (please don't conflate squicks with triggers). I don't have any triggers, but I prefer not to see child abuse, domestic violence, incest, or pregnancy on my dash; if you regularly include that content, I will generally unfollow. Please see below for a comprehensive list. Triggers will be tagged 'triggery thing tw' and added to the tag dump post.

❕ formatting:  usually no fancier than small text +/- 66x66 or 100x100 icon (depending on the size you use), but I will try to match your style. If you need any special formatting to make it easier for you to read, please tell me. I'm very happy to comply.

❕ pre-established relationships:  I'm happy to discuss these.

❕ readmores:  used rarely, but will always use for explicit dubcon/noncon content & graphic stuff.

❕ memes:  generally mutuals only but will always be tagged as 'mutuals only', so if you don't see that, feel free to interact. I do my best to observe reblog karma but don't expect you to; it's all good.

❕ open posts:  will be tagged clearly; generally open only to mutuals, sometimes character-specific (will specify in tags).

❕ shipping:  multiship; not ship exclusive. Shipping is dependent wholly on muse interaction and never guaranteed. Tony is demiromantic and pansexual; he may or may not be open to poly setups depending on verse. He's experimental, inclusive, and flexible. Got a kink? Bring it. BDSM? He'll want to know your safeword. Three/four/eightway? He's probably into it. That in mind, I'm on the ace spectrum (see below) so mature-content threads aren't going to be that common and will generally, though not always, fade to black.

YES PLEASE

✅  duplicates, multiple 'canon' realities, AUs, cross-fandom, What Ifs

✅  crossovers, especially within Marvel & DC

✅  AUs: love, love, love. Give me your tropey coffee shop AU; better yet, give me your research-worthy Mesopotamian AU, time-travel AU, etc. I'm utter trash for Sentinel!verse (and if you don't know what that is, come at me).

✅  plot-development, complex characterization

✅  conscious, intentional, creative abuse of grammar/syntax

✅  any gender identity/lack thereof; sexual orientation/lack thereof; neurodivergent characters; disabled characters

✅  LGBT, non-cis/het, POC, or other minority versions of canonically white cis straight Christian etc characters

✅  female versions of canonically (cis)male characters

✅  dark, edgy, angsty themes up to and including psychological & physical torture, abuse, and character death

✅  complex and conscientious portrayals of trauma and mental health issues

NO THANKS

❎  self-insertion (omnipotent manic pixie Gary-Stu/Mary-Stu characters make me cringe)

❎  pages of ooc

❎  pages of graphic porn

❎  you RP nothing but smut of a variety that squicks me, such as (below) and don't put it behind readmores: - A/B/O, especially if it involves 'mating'/'breeding', pregnancy (esp cis male or cis female pregnancy), etc. Really major squick; - BDSM that uses an abundance of misogynistic language like 'slut'; 'daddy/mommy' themes; pet play; romanticising unhealthy abusive relationships ('50 Shades of Nope' comes to mind) by framing them as consensual BDSM.

❎  consistent grammar/spelling errors (note: ignore if English isn't your primary language; I’m happy to help if that’s something you want, and I speak a few languages so I might be able to RP in your language)

❎  lots of family/baby/child content

❎  'child of'/'sibling of' & non-canon family member/friend characters

❎  anthropomorphic, furry, or 'real people' characters

❎  SuperWhoLock, anime

❎  gatekeeping, canon-snobbery, constant negativity

❎ erasure of any minority group (ie male versions of canonically female characters; suspiciously white FCs for canonically POC characters, etc)

❎ messianic anything; proselytizing

ABOUT THE MUN

✩  ari (aka kai), 30s, London (GMT)

✩  working in medicine, re-qualifying for med school entry; usually not around much Tue-Fri due to work (replies are sometimes queued & I'm usually happy to do short stuff like texts during the week)

✩  thoroughly spoken for; married to cap.co.vu (but thanks for asking *fingerguns*)

✩  introvert:  very social at times (I tend to 'read' as an extrovert), but I need more distance when out of social energy. Feel free to ask me about this. I will love you forever if you respect the need for space, and will not like you very much if you insta-pounce 10x daily when I've gone quiet.

✩  jewitchy = unrepentantly jewish + low-key hedge witch (observant Reform/Conservative Jew; dash of pagan)

✩  grey-a + demi, greyromantic, as impossibly flirty as Tony Stark

✩  ADD, autism (psa: you can be super direct with me), major depressive disorder, EBS (epidermolysis bullosa), mild anxiety (when out of social energy)

✩  sharp-spoken, sharply-dressed, stickler for punctuation, polyglot, menace to society, method RPer, (mostly) good human being, guaranteed at least 80% carbon-based lifeform, will use elbows on the Tube, well-travelled, great ass (thanks, yoga!), hearts horseback riding, BDSM, dismantling the patriarchy

✩  ask box is always open, Discord available by request, IM/chat is gr8

If you feel like it, send me your favourite trope as a way of letting me know you've read these. I'm not going to ask for any sort of specific symbol, codeword, etc to prove it, but I will presume you have and act accordingly. If you feel compelled to acknowledge any specific parts that jump out at you or query something that doesn't sit right with you, we'll probably be bffs.

[thenightisland]

you know the drill:

this is becoming like its own series but idk how else to explain this awful year i don’t even feeling like properly linking so here’s just the URLs of the other ones in the series: 1. http://thenightisland.tumblr.com/post/161087786689/explanationsupdates-under-the-cutmore-i 2. http://thenightisland.tumblr.com/post/161920216354/additional-updatesexplanations-under-the-cut 3. http://thenightisland.tumblr.com/post/163767959805/updates-under-the-cutmore-post-one-post-two-on 4. http://thenightisland.tumblr.com/post/164398486219/on-the-fourth-edition-of-what-the-fuck-is

one of the assessors got jumped a while back. she was just walking past a pt in the main assessment dept and he jumped up, punched her in the back of the head, took her to the ground and beat the fuck out of her. she was out for weeks and weeks and had broken facial bones. i can’t believe she didn’t quit.

our nurse executive quit though. not like, went prn or gave two weeks notice, like just straight up was like I’M DONE and walked out which honestly is the closest i’ve ever come to respecting him.

while having more psychologically unstable pts isn’t new, having more medically unstable pts has been a problem lately. like our crash cart is not like a medical hospital’s crash cart it’s like. an ambu bag some iv supplies and a stethoscope no lifesaving medications. when a pt has a medical issue we send them out to a medical hospital because obv we don’t have the resources to treat complex medical issues where we work. which didn’t used to be an issue because you’d used to see maybe two medical codes a year on my unit. we’ve had /ten/ since my last update post /just on my shift/. two of which weren’t even “pt is going downhill fast” codes they were “pt has no heartbeat and isn’t breathing” like we had to fucking bring two people back from the goddamn dead /within ten minutes of each other/. we’re all like we’re psych nurses man if we wanted to do this shit we’d work er. [and the er we’re required to send these pts to is awful like they sent us back a guy who had almost died twice in three days who had an /untreated brain tumor/ bc obv he’s totally fine]. or we’ve been doing mash unit style medicine like the suicidal kid with partial thickness burns all over his chest and neck that literally no one was doing anything about. we were debriding burns with a mixture of different PO IM and SQ drugs to achieve the same effect as IV morphine because debriding is extremely painful but not doing it will just make things worse and no one else seemed to care so we just fucking did it. like we’ve done so much medical nursing lately. like the one with the uncontrolled severe seizures that led to the medical hospital labeling her first break schizophrenia despite no family history of mental illness but /five different medical issues that all cause psychosis/. or the one they let on the unit despite being on the do not readmit who has untreated hiv that he actively tries to give to other people and /active tuberculosis/. or the one with the aneurysm. or the one with severe CHF. and on and on and on. and remember: we’re not the most medically unstable unit in the hospital because we have a 40 bed /geriatric psych unit/ so you can imagine the kind of pts /they’re/ getting. on the plus side, all of our ten odd codes lived.

my personal life is still a goddamn mess, of course, but that’s a given. don’t even know where to begin with all that. and i can’t talk about a lot of it which makes it that much more fun.

i had an entire crisis about the odyssey [which tbh is still kind of going on even after /weeks/] because i’m getting so cagey in memphis because i fucking hate this town. and i just got back from new orleans which is the closest thing i have to an ithaca at the moment and it killed me to come back to this fucking city.

i’m also really paranoid right now because after i come back from vacations, something terrible always happens and i’m not exaggerating it’s like clockwork to the point that the bad things have all happened between friday and sunday after i’ve returned from my vacation, each time, without fail. well that would be this weekend so i am just waiting to see what great horrors await me this goddamn time. [last time, it was the whole coworker killed in vehicular homicide thing]. but i guess paranoia isn’t the right word. you’re only paranoid if you’re wrong, and my life has already set the precedent. so i guess anxious is the better word.

the anxiety is increased given that my mother has been out of work all week because they’ve had trouble regulating her blood sugar and so she’s been really sick and even said so herself she’ll probably end up in the er over the weekend because she doesn’t think she can make it till her next doc appt because she’s miserable, and she’s already been in the er once when this weird shit started happening a month or so ago so the Vacation Curse has me even more concerned than usual, which is saying something. 

there’s a new psych doc working now and everyone is really unsettled by him and we’re pretty sure he’s a genuine psychopath like completely without exaggeration and he’s already done a lot of really creepy things to/with staff members and one nurse said in passing “i’ve known a lot of doctors like him he’ll end up fucking a pt at some point” which we initially left to hyperbole but he’s been doing shit like transporting female pts to other units without the staff’s consent in his own car which is like all kinds of not allowed, and the way he talks to some of the staff is just downright rapey honestly. and so we had a rough case this summer who, through the combined efforts of my squad, we got her from a diagnosis of intellectual disability with schizophrenia, nonverbal, self harming all the time, history of physical and sexual abuse, constantly in restraints and on a 1:1 obs level to a new diagnosis of autism spec with ptsd because her “hallucinations” were /flashbacks/ and she ended up very social and verbose and like fucking read william blake for fun and had a great sense of humor and was off all special observations and had a transfer to another facility pending so she could get more 1:1 long term therapy, and the creepy doctor was covering her case while her actual doc was out of town and he rode all the way to the other hospital with her which is another thing you do not do, and we found out from a coworker that she is now a /2:1/ [two staff members within arm’s reach 24/7], self harming again, in full shutdown/meltdown mode, and nonverbal. and it was such a rapid deterioration that all of us lost sleep over the possibility that this creepy doctor might have done something because even after she was at the other hospital and therefore no longer our pt, /he kept going to see her/. which fucked us up a lot because we were the ones who worked so hard for so long with her. like even the thought of it.

recently had 25th birthday so naturally had a crisis about that because i’d always said my goal was to be out of memphis by 25 and yet here we are. 

another of our fave pts, esp one of /my/ fave pts, died out of literally nowhere. the day before my birthday. so that was great.

also felt really surreal to see the news about the convictions in the holly bobo case, which i found out about when one of my coworkers was reading the news on his phone during a lull one night i forgot that to him and everyone else it’s a national news story [hell it even has its own wikpedia page] but to me it’s just /holly/ because she was /in the class above me in our nursing program/. my first semester in college i remember seeing her face on missing posters on every building on campus. so it was really a weird moment of dissociation for me. glad the motherfucker was found guilty on all charges, obv. 

the tech of mine who got his skull slammed into the floor, the one who’s been out with what can only be called severe psychological trauma, is supposed to be coming back the third week in october. which i just. i mean i’m glad because he’s one of our best guys, but i’m also like /why the fuck would he come back/ because he could be a fucking english professor again. motherfucker spent part of his youth growing up in italy and montreal, lived on the west coast for years, /was/ a college professor, did time as a script doctor in LA, and was a fucking thriller novelist who just gone girled himself for whatever reason and ended up working with us. there’s literally a reddit thread asking if anyone knows what happened to him and i want to be like don’t worry it’s fine he works with me. but so we’re like why would you come back to this place after what happened to you when you have so many other options available to you????? what are you running from that makes you so desperate to keep centering your life around a locked acute psych ward???? why did you gone girl yourself to begin with??? like he was screwed up enough there for a while that he wasn’t even answering his calls or texts and our boss had to send the police to do welfare checks on him because he lives alone so it’s like man why not go back to the life you had before and /get away from all of this/ it’s not like my situation where i’d rather be living a different life but have never done so, he already has the foundation because he’s already lived a different life he has an in that i don’t have and i can’t for the life of me figure out why he thinks working as an acute pysch tech is the better option. 

but i mean. we /do/ call our unit the hotel california for a reason.

[detective-columbo]

Here’s the ask that was sent to me over pinkuboa.  Here’s the post that this was in response to.  The entire ask & my response is under the cut.

(1/?)i admire you a lot but the post you reblogged from baku about how the mental illness community here isn't recovery-focused enough was really bad! it's absolutely a good idea to pursue appropriate treatment for your mental illness, but memes and venting don't mean you're not actually trying to seek appropriate treatment! (also: access to treatment can vary, and the specifics of people's conditions do, too.)

there are a lot of things that the mental illness community here could stand to do (2/?)better, but for many people it's basically the only place where they're free to express "ugly" emotions about life as a mentally ill person. also, it's really important to make sure we don't make it a moral/social obligation to be Recovering Enough (rather than just a good idea because treatment improves quality of life), because what that actually does is make it an obligation to LOOK like you're Recovering Enough, and that leads to people prioritizing the appearance of healthiness over (3/3) what's actually healthy for them. a protestant work ethic about mental health is really not what we need, and removing that obligation is one of the few things tumblr does right.

I understand your concerns, but I think you missed the point of the original post. 

it's absolutely a good idea to pursue appropriate treatment for your mental illness, but memes and venting don't mean you're not actually trying to seek appropriate treatment!

The phrase they demonstrated in the original post is as follows:

there’s a weird culture on this site where nothing but misinformation is spread and text posts like ‘that bpd feel when you listen to the same song over and over’ get thousands of notes without a single person questioning it

Listening to the same song over and over again isn’t a unique thing to bpd.  Several of my friends and I do it without being diagnosed with bpd.  I’m sure that you get that listening to the same song over and over again isn’t bpd, but some people don’t realize it isn’t a unique thing for those with borderline personality disorder, and might take it as a sign that they might have bpd without a second though since they’re going through a rough patch in their life (when it could just be a mental illness like depression or just a rough patch rather than a personality disorder). 

That, combined with several other post that associate various traits with “that bpd feel” that can be felt by anyone without the personality disorder could lead to someone misdiagnoising themselves.  This may lead to the person treating themselves for a disorder they don’t have or accidentally spreading more misinformation about the disease.  I remember a post where someone made a list of “remember, not all BPD have...” and rattled off all the symptoms of BPD that, you know, qualify someone for BPD.  Someone else pointed this out (I think they had it themselves) and chastised them for spreading false information.  I wish I could find that post right now :c

They could also mean questioning it by saying “No one says ‘hey are you ok?’“ or asking if they’re doing alright.  The context is a bit unclear, but both ways could work.

Another meme that was talked about in the original post was this:

 phrases such as ‘we cant all be neurotypical karen’ become more popular than ‘even if there is no cure, there is always treatment’, and when actually mentally ill people share coping mechanisms, they’re accused of being neurotypical.

The poster wasn’t against venting, they were against the knee-jerk reactions to certain suggestions like “It’s a good idea to go get some exercise every day” (since it’s proven to help).  The meme "we cant all be neurotypical karen” can be a dismissive phrase towards positive suggestions like that. 

The post wasn’t saying no to venting.  It was saying no to experiences like this (content warning: self harm, blood, and anorexia) and communities who only spread negativity rather than a balance of venting and encouraging.  That, and dumb asethetics like this who make mental illness and mental disorders into something cool and deep.

instead of helping each other and supporting each other, it feels like this site just wants to keep people miserable forever and discourage any attempts to recover. 

I think it’s good to have people online to vent to.  However, it’s best to do it in private so you can do it to someone who you feel secure sharing your problems with, not to all your follows who you don’t know and might not know how to handle others who are having a bad time (esp. if they already feel anxious and start panicking over you), plus randos who could use the information you put out about your life against you :(  A support blog where people talk about their problems to others who are ready and willing to listen as well offers suggestions, advice, and a warm shoulder is good and should always be supported.  A support blog that just confirms that “your illness is valid!” and only tells you to stay within your comfort zone that feeds into depression, anxiety, etc., isn’t, and that’s more what the post is talking about.

also, it's really important to make sure we don't make it a moral/social obligation to be Recovering Enough (rather than just a good idea because treatment improves quality of life), because what that actually does is make it an obligation to LOOK like you're Recovering Enough, and that leads to people prioritizing the appearance of healthiness over (3/3) what's actually healthy for them. a protestant work ethic about mental health is really not what we need, and removing that obligation is one of the few things tumblr does right.

And this is not what the post is encouraging at all! The post is just discouraging the communities who circulate only negative post, who only want to keep post negative (instead of offering the positive aspects) along with the spread of misinformation!  They said nothing about constantly recovering, they said

as a mentally ill person, taking a step back from the popular rhetoric that goes around on this site did me a great deal of good.

They are suggesting that because it helped them with their own mental health!  And from what I’ve seen of tumblr, I’m sure they’re not the only person it helped.

If you want to keep talking to me about this, do it off anon.  You can even privately message me on here if you’d like.  But that post is staying on Pinkuboa.

[saintkimora]

ok here is how my dates went yesterday and the other day. the one from the other day was REALLY bad but the one yesterday was good

ok so first ill start w the one from wednesday. so caleb was supposed to come over and hang out but he called me to change the plans at the last minute so i had to rush to get ready bc he had some things to do tonight and wanted me to come along. so i was like ok. so he picked me up and first he had to go back to the job he just left (the supermarket one) bc he forgot something there. so i went and he had me go in w him and i had to meet 2 of his coworker friends. then he had to go to his waffle job to make waffles and he said it would be like 30 min max so i was just waiting in the car. it turned out to be like an hour instead. then at one point he made me come in bc he said his boss wanted to meet me so i had to meet her too. he got me a waffle and wrote “Perry <3″ on the box (an actual heart though not the sideways one) which was cute but like they dont use utensils at that store apparently so i had to wait bc i wasnt about to eat that waffle with my hands and get all sticky

then after that he decided to pick up his best friend leann. so she got in and she was v nice. then we had to go to his waffle job friend natures house bc she was in a car accident so he was checking on her and giving her some waffles. so i met nature and her friend who was taking care of her. there were 2 couches so nature and her friend sat on one and caleb sat on the other. there was a giant teddy bear on that couch so i had nowhere to sit but nature was like “just move the teddy bear” but then caleb was like no and made me sit on his lap which was soooooooooooooooooooo awkward i was just sitting on his lap while he was talking to his friend

then we left and got back in the car and caleb decided we should go to applebees bc of course he just had to add food in to the situation too. the convos in the car were mostly bw him and leann bc i wasnt being very talkative obv. so then we got to applebees and this is where the real trouble started. sitting down and eating with a complete stranger is just...a no from me. it was sooooooo awkward and uncomfortable bc i like completely shut down i was barely saying anything i only ever said like one word answers if someone directly asked me a question. i didnt order anything bc i just had dinner like 2 hours ago but even if i didnt i was not about to eat in that setting. and i felt sooooooooooo bad bc caleb was trying so hard to make conversation and pull me into the discussions but i just could not do it. i wanted it to be over so bad

so then we left and dropped leann off at her home and then caleb was driving me home. and i was being super quiet and distant and he kept asking me if i was ok and i was like yeah im fine and i was like shifting my body to face away from him and i was just staring out the window whereas usually when im with him in the car im looking at him and talking to him. so we were like a few blocks away from my house and he asked me if i was ok again and i was like im fine which was super unconvincing bc my voice was like quivering and i was like blinking back tears at this point. so i was like actually can you pull over for a second bc i want to talk to you about something. this is where the drama REALLY started. 

so. i like apologized for not being very sociable tonight and i felt like i let him down and i started crying bc i thought i like ruined our relationship and i was afraid i was gonna lose him after not even a week and i was just so upset and disappointed with myself. so ya i was like breaking down and sharing all my feelings w him and he was like comforting and reassuring me which was nice and he told me if my anxiety is acting up like that again i can just text him or something and he’ll get me out of the situation. and he apologized bc he is v social so he didnt know that like all of this stuff was so draining for me. and then we hugged and it was like the best hug ever since it was so like emotionally charged on my part.

so then he pulled up in front of my house and he was like “you know its not that late, you dont have to go home” which was nice enough but also kinda stupid bc like hello the last thing i want rn is to go out to some other public place. but i asked him if he could come in and stay with me for a little while so he was like sure. so he came in and he just like cuddled me and comforted me and stuff for like an hour and a half. it was v nice. then when i was walking him back to his car i thanked him again for being so nice and understanding and stuff and then he left. so obv the majority of the date was awful but from the point of my breakdown in the car to the end it was v nice, esp since ive never even like talked to anyone that much about my anxiety except for my therapist. and like obv i wasnt happy at the point when i was crying bc i was so upset but at the same time it actually felt kinda good bc being completely open and honest about my feelings was v liberating. then after he left i was happy and i ate the waffle he gave me and it was p good but i like almost started crying again when i was looking at the “Perry <3″ on the box bc i was getting emotional but i had to stop myself bc i did not want to ruin my good mood

so that was on wednesday. then on thursday he was supposed to come over again but instead he picked me up and first he had to drop off waffles for his brother and niece (i stayed in the car this time though). then we were driving around trying to figure out what to do which was difficult bc i am not a decisive person at all. eventually he decided to go to applebees (it was a different one though). so we ate there but it was just the two of us this time and it was way easier for me obv. he was being super cute as usual and i was actually able to talk to him this time. and it was my first time actually going out for a date that like wasnt at me or the other guys house so that was fun. and since it was applebees again i felt like the date had like a redemption aspect to it. 

then after the date we went back to my house and were just laying around cuddling again but this time he fell asleep. he was sleeping on me for like 4 and a half hours while i was watching tv. i actually enjoyed it a lot bc i loved having him sleep on me and he woke up a few times and seeing him all like sleepy and stuff was so cute.and i got to play with his hair a lot too. he left at like 4:30am so yeah this was a much more successful date than yesterday

it wasnt all good though. first of all even though i wasnt having difficulty talking to him for anxiety reasons i could tell i was still lacking in the personality department as usual. so i was starting to feel bad about that bc like i just cant be the sociable big personality boyfriend that he wants me to be so that was making me sad. the other bad thing was that before we got there he was like “hey can we pick up leann so she can be with us too?” i was like “absolutely not” like are you SERIOUS???? did you not learn anything from last night????????? its not like trying again one day later is gonna make any difference! i thought he was joking at first i could not believe it. so yeah those were the 2 bad things from an otherwise great night

[camelopard-alis]

1-60 plz

I LOVE YOU 1. selfieNah I’m gross maybe I’ll post one l8r


2. what would you name your future kids?I have a whole list in my notes lmaoooo but my top three names are Camden, Cade, and Evelyn 


3. do you miss anyone?

I miss my girlfriend a whole fuckin ton ): and also my dog snuggles and also rico and Abbie 


4. what are you looking forward to?

Nikki coming back and also dying 


5. is there anyone who can always make you smile?Nikki omg she like is just ah she makes me smile just thinking about her. Like always. Also Carson, Camryn, and Rico always know how to make me smile idk my dude 


6. is it hard for you to get over someone?At first yes, and then also yes after that, and then I’m good, so then no. It’s a process 


7. what was your life like last year?I was blazed and wearing rose colored glasses lmao

 
8. have you ever cried because you were so annoyed?This happens a lot especially with my sister Azura yikes 


9. who did you last see in person?My trumpet teacher Patrick !


10. are you good at hiding your feelings?Hahaha I’m actually really good at it, which isn’t always a good thing. Idk I’m working on it 


11. are you listening to music right now?Nah I’m v frustrated w music rn


12. what is something you want right now?A hug and to fucking know how to count rhythms fucking accurately and to stop being a mediocre musician. Oh and also maybe something chocolate 


13. how do you feel right now?REALLY IN LOVE but also Frustrated and overwhelmed and kinda sad but that’s life


14. when was the last time someone of the opposite sex hugged you?Julian hugged me today yoooo


15. personality descriptionIdk a quirky klutz that can ironically run in heels and blogs too much 


16. have you ever wanted to tell someone something but you didn’t?

Ha this has been one of the biggest problems I [have] face[d] in my life bc of my social anxiety help


17. opinion on insecurities.They are the worst things ever but develop character

 
18. do you miss how things were a year ago?

Mostly no, but in some ways yes I think I do

 
19. have you ever been to New York?Nah I don’t think I really want to go very much either 


20. what is your favourite song at the moment?Waving Through the Window - Ben Platt


21. age and birthday?18 & Dec. 13th


22. description of crush.Okay. You CANT miss her, she’s literally the most stunning girl on the planet, like her description is: glowing and radiant 

But if you’re blind, her name is Nikki and she’s rly kind & funny 


23. fear(s)Buttons and words and auditions 


24. height5'2" help 


25. role model

Mm my mother bc she role modeled to me what I don’t want to be like. And also Santa 


26. idol(s)Shay Mitchell and Jennifer Aniston 


27. things i hateYou probably and playing jazz music also Chris fuckin Ferrari 


28. i’ll love you if…I love everyone despite what I say abt hating you so 


29. favourite film(s)The hours, stonehearst asylum, the craft, and the love witch; not because it’s a good film but because the memory around that film is beautiful and my favorite 


30. favourite tv show(s)PRETTY LITTLE LIARS IM AWFUL and friends and also the voice

 
31. 3 random factsThe only time I ever got grounded was for texting a boy which is humorousUmm I went by the name Daisy for most of my life And once in fourth grade I called the police because my teacher wouldn’t let me go to the bathroom oops 


32. are your friends mainly girls or guys?Girls, I have like 3 guy friends idk sry 
33. something you want to learnHow to play trumpet better 


34. most embarrassing momentO too many. But One time I had a nip slip over FaceTime and that was really the worst ever Idk dog 


35. favourite subjectMath !!


36. 3 dreams you want to fulfill?To be a genuinely good person, to be successful in whatever I do, and to have like 14 dogs 


37. favourite actor/actressIdk I don’t really have one but I guess Meryl Streep bc she’s 😍


38. favourite comedian(s)

Ppl aren’t funny

 
39. favourite sport(s)What are THOOOSEHonestly just judo and Olympic gymnastics idk 


40. favourite memoryThe day I finally accepted myself for being gay 


41. relationship statusMm idk maybe you should ask my girlfriend (very much taken obvs)


42. favourite book(s)Looking for Alaska and It’s kind of a funny story 


43. favourite song everThat’s a dumb question idk I’m indecisive and lame 


44. age you get mistaken for

Idk people usually think I’m about my age 


45. how you found out about your idolShe was GAY in a tv show that I’m obsessed with and then the other one is also from a tv show and I just think she’s hot and has a good heart 


46. what my last text message says“I LOVE U AH"


47. turn onsGurls


48. turn offs

Dick 


49. where i want to be right nowIn someone in particulars arms 


50. favourite picture of your idolThat’s too much effort rn so 


51. starsignSagittarius (((;;;;


52. something i’m talented atNot being talented(; 


53. 5 things that make me happyLesbian scenes in movies, my dog, my girl, my best friends, and winning 


54. something thats worrying me at the moment

Everything I’m so incredibly stressed out 


55. tumblr friendsUgh the list is too long 


56. favourite food(s)Pho and hummus and acai bowls and salad and pizza and almonds and ESP. Peanut butter and Frosted Flakes (together obvs)


57. favourite animal(s)Giraffe duh 


58. description of my best friend

Kind and blonde and a total badass (Carson) 

Talented and intelligent and also blonde(Katie) A super bad bitch and super funny and amazingly brunette (Aleah) A major chola dork that I down 40’s with and watch a million movies with and an incredibly great musician (rico) And my every so beautiful, talented, genuine, and loving fake blonde girlfriend (nikki) ❤


59. why i joined tumblrKatie made me one and then made me use it in the 8th grade 


60. ask me anything you wantMmm no

[funkkpunk]

Sober October Day 3 & 4

Day 3 went OK. I had a good morning training session but I was just full of anxiety the rest of the day.. or maybe I shouldn’t call it that because it’s not that I was anxious in a worried-sense but like the physical feeling I call anxiety. There has to be a word for it. Just a sense of discomfort I guess. Josie asked me to paint so she came over and I made my first acrylic painting. I actually kind of like it I’ll post it after this. But the whole time she was over I felt uneasy. Not that it was her but I just couldn’t shake this feeling. Didn’t go train at night instead I went to the beach with Steven Yi and Trevor. In hindsight it was fun but I still felt pretty uncomfortable the whole time. I just wanted to be home and make music. We hit a couple of bars and it was OK but I don’t think I would do it again. All I wanted to do was play the music in the car. I was watching people having fun and drinking and even today Joe and Francis had a couple of drinks and I was thinking about the way I would never really drink with Susan.. only if I felt a social pressure from other members of the house or my friends. I see now how it must’ve sucked for her. Maybe it made her feel unimportant? Or like I didn’t want to have fun with her? But I guess I shouldn’t dwell too much. I think maybe I’ll start drinking for family and friend events after this month. I had quite a bit to drink at Joe’s bbq last month and it was pretty fun, I was just slumped. But yeah point is I couldn’t shake this feeling. And then today Lisa told me Susan was back in town before she left to Hawaii, and at first I thought wow maybe I felt it y’know? I found the skirt she’s been missing (the day before), and I considered texting her about it but I talked myself out of it. Kinda funny though how those things lined up. And the feeling I had too. But today I went to Fowler’s Museum at UCLA with Steven Joe Francis Lisa and Keenan and it was pretty cool. Walked around south coast plaza (I think?) Ate Din Tai Fung. The mall reminded me of UTC. I thought about how I used to enjoy going to the mall with her but then at some point I started to just feel uncomfortable and began to not like it. I can remember walking around and looking at things with her, and also at some point shifting to “the boyfriend” who’s just sitting and waiting on his phone. Dumb. But anyways after that we saw Joker and honestly I wanted to go home but I don’t regret it, it was fun to spend time with everyone and see the movie. The delusions that the Joker had in the movie made me rethink the whole idea of this “feeling” I have/have had about me and Susan. It made me feel like a creep kind of if I’m being honest. Like maybe I’m just delusional. I rethink some of the things I’ve said about her to my friends, esp to Lisa and my mom, and I wonder if I seem crazy? I thought I was pretty level headed about it but the movie fucked it up for me. Idk. At the same time it’s a funny coincidence y’know? I find the skirt, talk myself out of reaching out, feel like shit the next day in my gut only to find out that she was in the area. I mean I do feel like I know what I’m talking about but the movie put a grain of skepticism in my head. but whatever. Maybe I’ll tell her about the skirt when she gets back. Lisa told me Susan isn’t really sad “yet” (if it will ever come) and that made me kind of sad at first but that’s the selfish reaction. The selfish desire is that maybe she’ll miss me at some point and give me a chance buuuut honestly it’s good that she isn’t feeling bad. Maybe a bit numb but not negative. Idk. Even if I had a shot I’m still in full bum mode!!! Nobody wants that shit. Gotta get a job ASAP. Only the Amazon delivery spot responded to me so I’ll call them on Monday. Feels weird to let my thoughts out more because usually I’d keep all of this in my head but yeah ANYWAYS the point is Day 3 and Day 4 have gone pretty well. There was a cycle of “oh fuck I don’t wanna be here” to “ok it’s not so bad” to “ok it was fun in the end but I think I realized I should just stay home and not feel obligated to go out”. So today (Sunday) I’ll just chill and clean. Organize my room and make at least a song. It’s 3:19 as fuck rn. Definitely need to work on sleeping earlier still. At least this is kind of productive.. or so I tell myself. I have a tournament in 13 days so that’s exciting at least. Might fuck around and drive to NorCal for WSOJJ as well. But I won’t have a coach out there. Idk. I can think about it some other time. Getting hungry rn so I’m gonna make a lil casein shake and sleep. 

[rewiring-emotional-javascript]

tfw ur scared a friend is pushing u away and that feeling is magnified by bad dreams but u gotta keep on and hush the fears

i feel kinda lost today

like,, tired but.... lonely. so i want people. but ive gotten rejected twice today to hang out (which isnt like bad or a Sign or anything) but I think it just makes it harder to ask bc anxiety

i want to cuddle down in bed and be happy with that and i thought i would be but again filled with, wistful boredom?

ive been reading a LOT of fanfic recently esp about boys In Love and I think I’m also missing some skinship. Like I could do with some hugs or a cuddle but I’m not sure I want to ask that of some people

I think i should just, ask my other good friend if he wants to hang today, and watch stuff, and that im not feeling übertastic and i can curl up on his sofa while we watch survivor

I,,,, really want to hang out with my friend c, but they said “maybe” when i asked and they’ve been having a tough time recently but i cant help but want their company and worry they don’t want to hang out with me or im a burden or w/e

I had a bad dream last night that manifested quite directly the fear that my former best friend wants nothing to do with me n hates me

Bc thats basically what happened, she kinda had a realization based on the fact that we were “connected” or close to each other and like. Proceeded to shun, be spiteful, yell, accuse, chase me out of my home with her vehemence that she wanted nothing to do with me

And like pulling out all these reciepts and reasons why i was a bad friend and a toxic person and too attached or doing something wrong

And like there was this weird dream-transition where it was about moving my family out of their neighborhood or our house or something and we were different kinds of mammals idk but we found a new place and started getting along well with the townsfolk but it was clear her and her family detested us and just barely put up with us (but gradually let us come back to the house to gather things that belonged to us that we needed)

Yeah. Lots of social fear

So instead of going to the dorm to be around people im staying in my room which is super messy/un-set-up (bed on floor, shower currently unusuable, laundry everywhere, broken dish beside bed) and like. Idk trying to figure out why im preventing myself from feeling better

Writing this out helps though. Especially identifying that a lot of the anxiety is leftover from a dream i had which was in no way real

So yeah. Text d, maybe sleep a lil

[lesbianbruabba]

All of the questions 😈

Jokes on you bitch I have time since I’m waiting for drag race to air but oh my god this is gonna be long so i’ll pull an Iza and put it under a read more 

1. Who was the last person you held hands with?

I don’t know

2. Are you outgoing or shy?

Shy, even though I don’t feel like I am, people tell me I’m shy

3. Who are you looking forward to seeing?

My brother when he comes here oh my god. I miss him. I’m going to make him watch a couple crazy music videos and possibly scar him. 

@lettiehigh and @akakuro4869-blog and @rippling-waves when I get back to Hong Kong and Tiff and Bella and Karl and Ellie and Miss R and everyone else

@samrull and Lettie again and maybe @lecafenoirx if I go to Bristol in September to see flor

4. Are you easy to get along with?

I’d say so! Unless you give me a reason to dislike you lol

5. If you were drunk would the person you like take care of you?

Probably but that’s a stupid question since I don’t drink :)

6. What kind of people are you attracted to?

Kind people. Usually more on the feminine side? Even the more muscular guys that I thirst after have a few feminine traits like a higher-pitched voice.

7. Do you think you’ll be in a relationship two months from now?

Nope, I’m going back to Hong Kong so there’s even less chance of me being in a relationship lol

8. Who from the opposite gender is on your mind?

Ryan Ross [insert tongue emoji]

9. Does talking about sex make you uncomfortable?

Nope. I’m usually way too open, quite a few of my friends are this way too. Literally one time my brother and I shared a hotel room and the first thing he said when my folks were out of earshot is complaining how he can’t jack off for a whole week (I asked him why he couldn’t do it in the shower, he said it was too much effort to do so standing up XD)

10. Who was the last person you had a deep conversation with?

Kasia or Iza about body image? define deep

11. What does the most recent text that you sent say?

“Call him or dump his useless ass?” to Lettie

12. What are your 5 favorite songs right now?

Victorious by P!atD, Dodie Clark’s cover of Somebody Else by the 1975, I Need My Girl by the National, Pożyczony by Sylwia Grzeszczak and Honey by Kehlani

13. Do you like it when people play with your hair?

Yeah! People at school used to love braiding my hair because it was so long. And I like playing with people’s hair, because I can French braid on others but I can’t do it with myself :/

14. Do you believe in luck and miracles?

Sometimes?

15. What good thing happened this summer?

I’ll say last summer since it’s not quite summer yet now. Well, I was accepted into Edi, got a 38 on the IBDP which is not too bad, and celebrated my birthday with my squad (rip)

16. Would you kiss the last person you kissed again?

Yep :)

17. Do you think there is life on other planets?

I fkin hope not 

18. Do you still talk to your first crush?

My first actual crush or like, elementary school crush? But no on both counts

19. Do you like bubble baths?

I’ve never had one :/ I’ve never had a ~bath~ tbh. I want to try in the summer because home in Hong Kong has a bathtub. 

20. Do you like your neighbors?

I like my flatmates here, we like the same kind of porn and vines. I don’t know my neighbors well enough back home

21. What are you bad habits?

I trust too easily, I am intelligent but lazy when it comes to schoolwork (I procrastinate), I worry way too fucking much about everything, I have crushes on people that I should NOT have crushes on sometimes (see: gay men)

22. Where would you like to travel?

I answered this a while back I think but as far as I could remember it’s a lot of european places - Oslo, Aarhus (I’m going to Copenhagen!!), Moscow, Tallinn, Berlin, Lublin, Warsaw, Kraków, Gdańsk, Lyon, Lisbon, Prague, honestly just count in every capital haha. I’m not good at geography. Also, Tasmania, Tokyo, Osaka (I’ve been twice but it’s. So good), London, Glasgow are all places I’d go again. 

23. Do you have trust issues?

With my mum yeah lmao

24. Favorite part of your daily routine?

Talking to my friends (basically everyone I’ve tagged up there I don’t have many friends lmao)

25. What part of your body are you most uncomfortable with?

My thighs because they’re heavily scarred, my tummy because fat, double chin, face because weirdly big lips and weird shape and small eyes, honestly most of my body if I’m being honest, when I’m not corseted. 

26. What do you do when you wake up?

Go through tumblr, twitter, instagram, kik, snapchat, emails, facebook, usually in that order. And then maybe scroll a bit more through tumblr and drag myself awake. Brush teeth and drink juice for breakfast. 

27. Do you wish your skin was lighter or darker?

My skin tone is fine. I’m kinda pale for a Chinese girl (according to others, but my skin’s gotten darker in recent years) so I sometimes have to use white people products. I only lighten my skin for doing goth-y makeup so in those instances i’d love to have lighter skin. (then again, I’m talking like...wallpaper white if possible pls)

28. Who are you most comfortable around?

My friends and my brother. 

29. Have any of your ex’s told you they regret breaking up?

What exes lmao

30. Do you ever want to get married?

If it’s with the right person yeah. 

31. If your hair long enough for a pony tail?

My hair is long enough for several pony tails

32. Which celebrities would you have a threesome with?

Men - Jawn and Ryan Ross

Women - Stephanie Beatriz and Lynn Gunn

33. Spell your name with your chin

 cbhreusftjd

34. Do you play sports? What sports?

Exactly - what sports?

35. Would you rather live without TV or music?

Without TV. I can’t live without music. 

36. Have you ever liked someone and never told them?

Would’ve said yes up to this morning haha

37. What do you say during awkward silences?

So, do you know what a furry is?

38. Describe your dream girl/guy?

Emo, responsible, kind, good sense of humor, understanding, appreciates Ryan Ross, doesn’t mind me checking my phone a lot [insert date in Hong Kong meme]

39. What are your favorite stores to shop in?

Damaged Society for band merch, Ann Summers for lingerie, various taobao shops for lolita fashion, Restyle for corsets

40. What do you want to do after high school?

Study linguistics at university. Hey! I’m doing that!

41. Do you believe everyone deserves a second chance?

No but most people do

42. If your being extremely quiet what does it mean?

I don’t feel like talking/I’m depressed/I’m thinking

43. Do you smile at strangers?

Not like randomly?...

44. Trip to outer space or bottom of the ocean?

NEITHER I LIKE BEING SAFE OH MY GOD

45. What makes you get out of bed in the morning?

Brushing my teeth or needing to pee?

46. What are you paranoid about?

I’m paranoid that I won’t graduate uni, about not being able to find a job that I will be happy at (doesn’t have to be a dream job but I don’t want to work at something I hate like a factory), I’m paranoid that no one will ever love me esp. romantically, that my family will never accept me as a bisexual woman, that I won’t be able to migrate to the UK before I’m 30 or worse before China takes back Hong Kong in 2047 and I will be trapped in hellish censorship conservative society, that depression and anxiety will drive me to off myself before any of that could even happen

47. Have you ever been high?

Noooooooooo don’t do drugs :( I say, even though I am friends with a drug dealer lol

48. Have you ever been drunk?

Nope, alcohol tastes gross

49. Have you done anything recently that you hope nobody finds out about?

Recently no. But like when I was a kid yeah

50. What was the colour of the last hoodie you wore?

Pink!

51. Ever wished you were someone else?

Every day :/

52. One thing you wish you could change about yourself?

I want to weigh 80lbs. It’s been this stupid ‘goal’ throughout teenagehood and I know it’s stupid and unhealthy but I really want to. I don’t care if I won’t have boobs. 

53. Favourite makeup brand?

Maybelline has good concealer

54. Favourite store?

Damaged Society

55. Favourite blog?

Can’t make me pick between these two 

56. Favourite colour?

Pink

57. Favourite food? 

Tiramisu and also siu mai but only the fish ones because they taste like garlic and also calbee chips, british junk food is garbage compared to the stuff we have in hong kong (they’ve got good sweets here though)

58. Last thing you ate?

Spaghetti carbonara

59. First thing you ate this morning?

I didn’t eat today till dinner which was spaghetti carbonara

60. Ever won a competition? For what?

I got first runner up in a nationwide comp for poetry. I wrote a depressing poem that ended up with my English teacher sending a concerned email to my folks lol

61. Been suspended/expelled? For what?

*gasp* I am a good student

62. Been arrested? For what?

Oh my god. I’m a good girl. I’m not with that kinda shit

63. Ever been in love? 

I have fallen in love but not like...reciprocated love, no

64. Tell us the story of your first kiss?

Ooh this is fun. He offered to be my first kiss and I said sure and we made out and it was nice and less scary than I thought but I forgot to close my eyes

65. Are you hungry right now?

No I had too much spaghetti :(((((

66. Do you like your tumblr friends more than your real friends?

are you calling my tumblr friends fake

But no I love them all. Also given that half of my irl friends are on tumblr idk what to say lmao

67. Facebook or Twitter?

Facebook

68. Twitter or Tumblr?

Tumblr is the MOST SUPERIOR SOCIAL MEDIA BECAUSE IT IS TRASH

69. Are you watching tv right now?

We’d need a TV license for that. and a TV. so no

I’ve got netflix

70. Names of your bestfriends?

Lettie, Chloe, Iza, Natalie, Daniel (my brother), Karl, Bella (but she’s mad at me so idk), there’s a couple of people who I consider close friends but idk if they’re okay with me calling them my best friends

71. Craving something? What?

A GETAWAY FROM THE SMOOTH TALK THAT’S KEEPING ME GROUNDED  TO THE CARPET IN MY ROOM MY QUIET BLUE TOMB OF YOU

72. What colour are your towels?

Both purple why

72. How many pillows do you sleep with?

One. Or zero if I kick it to the floor by accident. I mostly hug it.

73. Do you sleep with stuffed animals?

No :(

74. How many stuffed animals do you think you have?

zero. I have a stuffed L Lawliet from Death Note though. It’s a present for my mum when I get home. I’ve also got a few stuffies back home courtesy of Lettie and Bella

75. Favourite animal?

Humans but I like dogs and cats and rats are kinda cute too?

76. What colour is your underwear?

Right now it’s white but I’ve got beige and grey ones I’m kinda boring

77. Chocolate or Vanilla?

Chocolate

78. Favourite ice cream flavour?

Coffee

79. What colour shirt are you wearing?

White, my waterparks shirt :)

80. What colour pants?

Blue denim shorts

81. Favourite tv show?

Drag race, b99, the good place, parks and rec, ASOUE

82. Favourite movie?

Dzien Swira it’s funny and depressing

83. Mean Girls or Mean Girls 2?

Mean girls but i’ve not seen the second one

84. Mean Girls or 21 Jump Street?

Mean girls, idk what the other one is

85. Favourite character from Mean Girls?

The nice girl

86. Favourite character from Finding Nemo?

Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh idk...the blue fish? Ellen Degeneres? 

87. First person you talked to today?

Iza

88. Last person you talked to today?

Kasia

89. Name a person you hate?

Uhhhhhhhm Doanld Trump?

90. Name a person you love?

My brother he’s so smart and creative and sweet and makes the worst puns and he loves fall out boy and tries to be an edgelord and it’s super adorable so that’s great 

91. Is there anyone you want to punch in the face right now?

My feelings bc they dumb

92. In a fight with someone?

Kiiiiiiiinda? More like she’s mad at me and idk what to do about it because i refuse to go to fucking london with her because international plane tickets are expensive as heck and she wants me to go in the middle of summer when i’m home

93. How many sweatpants do you have?

easy, 0

94. How many sweaters/hoodies do you have?

A Lot. Like 10. 

95. Last movie you watched?

Dzien Swira

96. Favourite actress?

Sara Canning and Stephanie Beatriz make me v gay

97. Favourite actor?

Neil Patrick Harris because Count Olaf

98. Do you tan a lot?

No lmao

99. Have any pets?

m-my brother...?

100. How are you feeling?

Impatient because drag race hasn’t aired yet. Lonely because my favorite flatmate moved out and there’s no one to chat with me at 3am anymore. Frustrated because my crush-y feelings are being dumb. Sad because my mum is kiiiiiiiiiiiinda homophobic and I imagine myself getting married to a woman not a man (it’s more likely) so :/

101. Do you type fast?

68 WPM? Is that fast?

102. Do you regret anything from your past?

I regret a lot of things. But it’s okay I’ve not turned out too bad overall considering. I’m also glad I did a lot of things, so

103. Can you spell well?

I think so yeah

104. Do you miss anyone from your past?

Yes absolutely in particular one person because sometimes I regret things that I did with good intentions and never stop regretting :/

105. Ever been to a bonfire party?

I’ve been to a campfire so kinda??

106. Ever broken someone’s heart?

Nah

107. Have you ever been on a horse?

Yes!! When I was a kid

108. What should you be doing?

It’s 1am so prolly sleeping but who has time for that amirite

109. Is something irritating you right now?

Yeah my mum. And my feelings

110. Have you ever liked someone so much it hurt?

Yes lmaoooooo don’t read me like this

111. Do you have trust issues?

This was a question up there. Why is it asked again. You’re making me have trust issues

112. Who was the last person you cried in front of?

Ooh shit I don’t know I haven’t cried in front of people for a while mostly because I shut myself in my room but prolly my brother or my mum back home 

113. What was your childhood nickname?

Never had one (that I liked)

114. Have you ever been out of your province/state?

~that’s not a thing~ uwu

115. Do you play the Wii?

No my mum is against video games

116. Are you listening to music right now?

Yes I’m listening to Dear Uber Driver

117. Do you like chicken noodle soup?

Never had it

118. Do you like Chinese food?

I like dim sum and egg tarts and a lot of HK street food so yes? 

119. Favourite book?

Suck Less by Willam

120. Are you afraid of the dark?

Sometimes, but at other times it’s oddly comforting

121. Are you mean?

:o I am the least mean person to exist 

122. Is cheating ever okay?

No unless it’s in NTAL but even then it’s like hmmmm is it tho

123. Can you keep white shoes clean?

Lol no

124. Do you believe in love at first sight?

I think it’s possible but unlikely

125. Do you believe in true love?

Yeah I’d like to

126. Are you currently bored?

No because this is keeping me entertained until I can watch drag race

127. What makes you happy?

Talking to my friends, sending them dumb tumblr shitposts, sending my brother disturbing gifs, getting weird gifs from Chloe, thirsting over Jawn with Iza, hearing that my friends are happy, reading and sharing poetry with friends, listening to music, playing the ukulele, eating junk food and watching b99, answering tumblr asks, writing poetry, drawing

128. Would you change your name?

I don’t like Christie so yes. Would change my Chinese name too it’s too annoying to write. 

129. What your zodiac sign?

Leo//rabbit

130. Do you like subway?

No :(

131. Your bestfriend of the opposite sex likes you, what do you do?

Brenda, he’s gay. Very very very gay, think a 6 on the kinsey scale

132. Who’s the last person you had a deep conversation with?

Again. this has been asked. What kinda unprofessionalism

133. Favourite lyrics right now?

I think with my heart and love with my head

134. Can you count to one million?

I mean...in theory yes but why would I do that 

135. Dumbest lie you ever told?

I told my mum I was striaght lmao

136. Do you sleep with your doors open or closed?

Closed. What the fuck

137. How tall are you?

5′2

138. Curly or Straight hair?

I have straight hair, I want wavy hair. Or bangs. 

139. Brunette or Blonde?

I have black hair. I tend to have blondes/general bright hair as a ‘type’ when it comes to romantic affection/crushes but it’s also not v accurate

also, I want pink hair. I had a dream where my brother loved MANIA so much he dyed his hair purple

140. Summer or Winter?

WINTER. BUT WITHOUT SNOW. Summer brings out my skin problems so I have a v valid reason to hate it. Also I’m fat so my thigh chafe in summer if I walk more than an hour

141. Night or Day?

I am usually, unfortuantely, only awake at night and like maybe late afternoon. 

142. Favourite month?

I don’t have one. December I guess bc it’s acceptable to play christmas music. or June bc pride month

143. Are you a vegetarian?

Nope. I don’t love meat though. 

144. Dark, milk or white chocolate?

Milk. With sea salt and caramel. I’m a classy hoe

145. Tea or Coffee?

Coffee. Either iced americano or some sweet frappe shit

146. Was today a good day?

Today was a very good day. I told my crush I liked her, slept away most of the day, watched a lot of brooklyn nine-nine and listened to Dodie while doing German and Polish on duolingo and I read Chloe’s poetry and it was very good. Link here. And Kasia gave me lots of good song recs. And drag race is up soon (it’s technically tomorrow but whatever). 

147. Mars or Snickers?

I can’t pick because Snickers has such a great texture, but also mars bars has the perfect nougat to caramel to chocolate ratio? Probably mars wins out by a bit

148. What’s your favourite quote?

“Hewwo” - Aquaria, RuPaul’s Drag Race

149. Do you believe in ghosts?

I’d like to think souls can see what we’re doing after they pass away.

150. Get the closest book next to you, open it to page 42, what’s the first line on that page?

“Adjective opposites and their comparatives” from a Polish grammar book.

Thank you for this long ass ask 

drag race still hasn’t fucking aired so i’m gonna watch more b99 and drink fanta