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vex-bittys · 3 years

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In Your Dreams: A Horrortale Story

Raffle prize for @purplesangel. When your life is a living nightmare, is it any surprise that your dreams are just as bad? Thankfully a dream-walking human has arrived to help, but will she still want to help Axe when she finds out what he’s done to stay alive?

WARNING: character death mention, language, blood mention, some disturbing imagery including cannibalism (no details)

READ ON AO3

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Life in the Underground was an endless nightmare for Axe. During his waking hours, he checked his traps and hunted in the forest, often returning home empty-handed only to see the disappointment and desperation in his brother’s sockets. Supply trains became frantic riots as too many monsters competed for their share of too little food, and the sharp pain of hunger lingered even after the skeleton brothers’ meager meals.

Madness seeped in through the hole in his skull, distorting reality. He clawed at his skull, trying to release the pressure of the frenetic energy that consumed him. He could feel the darkness lurking, waiting for him to make a misstep, some seemingly trivial mistake; that’s when it would strike, shredding his thoughts and shattering his focus. There was no escaping it, and Axe knew that one day it would swallow him up.

Sleep provided no reprieve. In his dreams, Axe continued to suffer. He watched his brother fade away to nothing from starvation. He felt the gnawing emptiness of his own unsatisfied hunger. Feasts appeared before his single working eyelight only to transform into grains of sand that slipped through his fingers when he reached for it. He ran through the shadowed forest outside of Snowdin, fleeing an unknown terror in the night while thorny tendrils of a deeper darkness caught him, slowing his progress, dragging him down, and allowing his madness to suffocate him.

Days dragged on into months, and months melted together into years. Waking life remained bleak with monsters still struggling (and at times failing) to survive. Food sources dwindled, and the gathering of other resources fell by the wayside as every creature in the Underground focused on filling their stomachs as best they could. Everything stagnated in its state of destitution and decay… everything except Axe’s dreams.

Axe’s nightmares repeated themselves night after night until slowly, they began to change. It started with the appearance of a new character- a human that Axe didn’t recognize, though he thought it might be a female. At first the human only observed the horrors that lurked in the sleeping world of Axe’s mind. Gradually, though, she began to interact.

It all started during one of Axe’s nightmares about his brother. Crooks would turn a pleading gaze to his brother, mouthing a soundless plea for food. Axe would fall to his knees, sobbing and pounding his fists into the ground. Crooks slowly collapsed, and the gradual dissolution of his body sent his dust drifting towards his brother, filling Axe’s mouth and nasal cavity until he choked himself awake… usually. This time things turned out differently.

“I’M SO HUNGRY, BROTHER,” Crooks’ voice came from the air around them and not his mouth, the teeth there long since broken or knocked askew from gnawing away at non-edible items simply to assuage the need to chew.

The human appeared, but instead of observing the unfolding scene, this time she glanced around until her eyes fell upon Axe.

Since the very first time you’d stumbled across this heart-breaking nightmare scenario, you’d worked hard to return to it. Dream-walking involved focus, practice, and a bit of luck, and in this venture, the fates were on your side. You’d walked this collection of now-familiar nightmare images many times, slowly working out which participant it belonged to and why the skeleton with the broken skull kept replaying these torturous situations in his sleep.

Now, you were ready to interact and hopefully restore some peace to the sleeping world of the monster in front of you. You extended a tentative hand towards him, unsure if he would welcome your touch as a form of physical comfort. He just stared at your outstretched hand as if it would bring some new and unfathomable horror to his disturbingly familiar nightmare. You let your hand drop. Words would have to suffice then.

“It’s not real,” you told the stocky skeleton firmly.

His sockets narrowed suspiciously. “what do ya mean, ‘not real’?”

“This-” you gestured to the vague, nondescript surroundings and very crisp, well-defined figure of the tall, starving skeleton behind you, never breaking eye contact “- is not real.”

The skeleton with the broken skull laughed, a harsh and humorless sound that grated against your ear drums. You sighed, frustrated but determined. It rarely improved a situation to reveal yourself while dream-walking; most dreamers forgot their nightly travels when they returned to the waking world anyway. Those who didn’t merely discarded your presence, along with any advice you might give, as part of a nonexistent scenario that could not influence their waking lives and should thus be ignored.

Normally, you resigned yourself to this and walked through dreams as a silent observer, but this skeleton’s torment tore at your heart and brought forth a tenacity within you to help him in the only way you could: by walking through his nightmares and defeating them, one by one, until nothing remained but peaceful slumber.

The skeleton with the broken skull scoffed. “you don’t know nothin’,” he growled obstinately.

“I know that your most frequent nightmares involve food, madness, and losing this other skeleton-”

“my bro,” the skeptical skeleton clarified.

“Losing your brother,” you amended with an edge to your voice, “to starvation.”

“it’s not like you’re some expert investigator piecin’ together the clues, pal. we’re all starvin’ and dustin’ down here,” he said, dismissing your observations. You frowned. Was there some truth to these nightmares? Often dreams represented thoughts and fears in a metaphoric manner, but maybe this skeleton didn’t have room in his troubled mind for subtlety.

Regardless, you would do what you could for him in the only place that you could reach him.

“I don’t know what your life is like in the waking world,” you conceded softly, “but this? Everything around us now? It isn’t real.” You continued in a rush before the skeleton could interrupt you again. “You’re asleep, and your mind is processing your fears… and your reality… into nightmares.”

The skeleton inhaled, obviously ready to argue again, but you stopped him by making a sweeping gesture towards his brother. Had this nightmare been reality, the taller skeleton would be dust by now. Instead, the image was frozen in place thanks to the stocky skeleton’s change of focus. “Look,” you ordered boldly.

Axe begrudgingly allowed his single eyelight to stray from you to his brother. While it was true that nothing had changed in the scene since he had turned his attention to his unexpected visitor, the moment he looked back, the scenario resumed. Flakes of dust drifted loose from his brother’s body, floating away on an unfelt breeze to disappear as they dispersed until nothing remained except the unbearable weight of guilt and his brother’s ghost of a voice whispering “Why?” over and over again in his head.

Why didn’t you save me?

“It’s not real,” you whispered solemnly behind him, but honestly, that didn’t matter. Watching his brother die of starvation that he should have prevented sent jagged pains through his SOUL whether it existed solely inside of his mind or not. Your next words, however, carried a much greater impact: “I can teach you how to change it.”

The most frustrating part of dream-walking was the inability to change the contents of people’s dreams or nightmares yourself. While you could view the unfolding events, you possessed no real power over them. Only the dreamer could affect their dreams. Thankfully, unlike dream-walking, lucid dreaming is a skill that can be taught.

As with every teaching experience, some students learn more quickly than others. Axe, as he eventually introduced himself to you, was not one of those students. The most difficult aspect of lucid dreaming for him happened to be the very first step to lucid dreaming at all: accepting that what he experienced while he slept was a dream instead of a warped reality that lived inside of his cracked skull and broken mind.

“These images all come from your thoughts,” you explained again. “You can control them, but first you have to accept that you can control them.”

You knew that the dreams involving his brother were far too emotionally charged to make good fodder for lucid dreaming practice, and you preferred to steer clear of the choking darkness since you had no idea what effects such a powerful and overwhelming negative force could potentially have on you, even as an observer within someone else’s troubled subconscious. This only left the dreams of an untouchable feast to practice on… and practice was not going well.

As with your many previous attempts to gently guide the stocky skeleton towards seizing control of his nightmares, the lesson had quickly devolved into a squabble. You insisted that Axe could learn to control his subconscious surroundings; Axe stubbornly insisted that he could not. You would point out that this was his dream, and his mind; he would attempt to discredit your existence as just another piece of the complicated web of nightmares that plagued him: a human offering him false hope in a bleak and hopeless world.

It did bother you a little bit that Axe considered you- a (mostly) patient and helpful human- to be nightmare fuel. Only monsters lived in the Underground since the long-forgotten war, so why would Axe’s guilt-riddled dreamscapes include humans?

You decided to save the questions for another time.

“Try again,” you told Axe, who only answered with a weary, frustrated sigh.

Irritation swirled through Axe’s excessive magic, though it was aimed more at himself than at you. Every night you tried to help him take control of his dreaming mind, and every night, despite your calm instructions, he failed. You made it sound so easy, so why couldn’t he just grab a stupid spider donut off of the stupid table and shove the stupid thing into his big, stupid mouth?

“Try again,” you told him patiently as he brushed the gritty sand from his finger joints. He uttered a weary, frustrated sigh.

“i am trying,” he grumbled, biting back a deluge of unhelpful comments and curses. He touched another piece of food, a french fry, still steaming though it had been sitting on a pile of its doppelgangers since the nightmare began. The entire fry stack crumbled to sand before he’d even lifted one free; Axe’s patience dissolved along with it.

“if this was as easy as you claim,” he shouted, letting his anger overflow into sharp words, “then i’d be able to pick up these plates and smash them on the floor like i want to!” Without any conscious thought, Axe lifted one of the plates in question and hurled it at the ground. It shattered, leaving silence in its wake as Axe and the dream-walking human stared down at the shards on the ground in awe.

Axe gave an entire stack of plates an experimental shove, sending them cascading over the edge of the table and onto the ground where they created an inharmonious symphony of destruction. You applauded the spontaneous mess and squealed with glee, and Axe swept you up into a quick celebratory hug, spinning you around once before setting you back on your feet. As soon as he set you down, he grabbed a donut and crammed it into his mouth. Chewing, his sockets narrowed in utter bliss, he picked up a second donut and offered it to you.

Nothing tasted as sweet as victory… except for maybe a spider donut.

You didn’t want to dampen the skeleton’s joy by telling him that you wouldn’t be able to taste a donut in his dreams, so you took a bite, your head still spinning from his sudden show of physical affection. With a promise to see him the following night, you stepped out of his nightmares. You felt content that you’d taken the first big step on a journey to giving Axe the power to sleep peacefully without constant, horrific nightmares plaguing him.

The next lesson would be more difficult; you intended to guide Axe through banishing nightmares of his brother’s death. Out of consideration for Axe’s privacy, you had never asked him why he had such specific nightmares about his brother, but nightmares involving a sibling death as vivid as Axe’s hinted at some very dark and complex situations existing in the skeletons’ waking world. Those hints aside, Axe had outright stated that things were terrible in the Underground where he lived. Maybe working through his dream would give him some insight into fixing his real-life situation, at least the one he faced with his brother.

You hoped so. During the nights you’d spent helping Axe learn how to lucid dream, you had come to consider him a friend. You hated the thought of him suffering. You especially hated that you could only reach him during his nightmares. You wished you could do more, but how? Those were thoughts for your own waking world.

Tonight you wanted to focus on Axe’s progress, and once he’d gotten some practice at lucid dreaming, you’d work on changing the heart-breaking nightmare of his brother.

Sweat beaded on Axe’s skull as he waited for you to appear. He could feel himself slipping towards darker dreamscapes, and he fought to stay in the safe in-between place like you’d shown him. He told himself that the tremors in his bones were caused by his unstable magic and not by fear. What if his previous successes were a fluke? What if he failed when it mattered the most?

Thoughts of failure sent him spiraling into the guilty nightmare of his starving brother. After all, his failures in reality led to this, and the dire consequences that he saw unfolding in his subconscious lurked only a step behind him in the waking world. Soon his real life would become this very same nightmare, and he would be left as powerless to stop it there as he felt to stop it here.

Thankfully, you appeared within seconds to chase away the grim meanderings of his mind and help him focus on the task at hand- Crooks.

Axe’s brother loomed in front of him, eyes pleading, begging for something that Axe could not give him. He watched the image of his brother twist and reshape itself, growing alarmingly large, the bones stretching from an influx of magic that still somehow managed to provide almost no nutrition. He whispered his brother’s name, frozen in place and unable to remember what he was supposed to do to stop the scene unfolding in front of him.

A small hand slipped into his; he had forgotten about you as his familiar fears swamped him. You looked up at him with a calm expression and nodded, encouraging him.

“You can do this.” Your words bolstered his courage. He dragged his panic back under control and turned to face Papyrus… or what had become of Papyrus under his inadequate care: the monster now known as Crooks.

“You know what you need to do,” you whispered.

Axe stepped towards his brother, focusing on Crooks as he had seen him last: tucked into his bed, the blanket no longer quite long enough to cover his lanky frame, wishing Axe a good night and sweet dreams and promising to see him in the morning. Keeping that image locked in his mind, Axe let his lone eyelight travel over his brother’s altered frame. Sure enough, not a single mote of dust rose from the other skeleton. Crooks simply stood there, watching him through sunken sockets.

Though he’d brought his brother’s recurring death to a halt, the words that swirled and echoed around him continued, too faint at first to make out individual words or phrases. His brother’s voice whispered accusations like poisoned arrows that pierced his SOUL. A chorus of questions, all beginning with “Why…?” slowed, sharpened, and gained clarity. Crooks spoke, though his mouth never moved and the words seemed to thrum within his very bones, tangible beyond mere sound.

Normally Crooks’ omnipresent voice asked him why he would allow his brother to starve, but this time the question differed, though it still sent chills to the very marrow of Axe’s bones.

“WHY DID YOU MAKE ME EAT-”

Axe quickly hushed his brother, stealing a glance at you to gauge your reaction. You simply made an encouraging gesture as if to say “Go on, you’re doing great.” He wondered if you’d feel the same way if you knew what Crooks’ next words would have been.

“i couldn’t let ya starve,” Axe spoke softly, tilting his head to maintain eye contact with his much taller brother. “i’d do anything to keep you alive.”

“EVEN-”

Axe nodded, nearly choking on guilt. “yeah. even that.”

“BUT I TOLD YOU I DIDN’T EVER WANT-”

Remorse softened Axe’s expression, and his gravelly voice hitched. “i couldn’t let ya dust. i had no choice. i’m so sorry.”

Without warning, Crooks slumped, but he wasn’t collapsing into dust. Instead, he crushed his brother against his ribcage in a tight hug. You sensed a loosening of the guilt and remorse that gripped this particular nightmare so tightly. Things weren’t resolved yet. Nightmares could rarely be banished in a single lucid dreaming session, but you’d given Axe the tools he needed to seize control of his sleeping world.

Only one challenge awaited you now: fighting the suffocating darkness of the final nightmare. You made plans to tackle that monumental task once Axe felt satisfied that he could manage this current nightmare on his own. Working through the tangle of emotions that his brother’s death awakened would take quite a bit longer than satisfying himself that he could eat his fill of dream donuts, but you were willing to go the distance to help Axe.

You actually wanted to do this, no matter how much the slithering darkness terrified you. Axe just meant that much to you.

“I think we’re ready for the final nightmare,” you declared after a dream session in which Axe showed off by summoning various items for his brother to eat.

In the lucid dreams about Crooks, his dream-brother mostly stood or sat nearby providing companionship and support as Axe practiced controlling his consciousness. Axe enjoyed the time with his brother, despite the knowledge that this version of Crooks existed only inside of his mind. It gave him a tentative sensation of hope that perhaps someday he could experience this type of peace with his brother in the waking world, free of the constant mad scramble for survival.

Your words shattered fragile, fleeting calm. Sweat beaded on Axe’s skull. The final nightmare contained his deep, dark fears, his madness, his guilt. Tendrils that reeked of his unspeakable crimes dragged him down into the cesspool that used to be his SOUL. He didn’t want you to see that part of him. He didn’t want you to know what he was truly capable of.

You’d never come back, and he’d be left alone with the echoing, blossoming psychosis that suffocated him. It would be worse now though. You’d shined a light into his life, and now he risked that glimmer of goodness being torn away… torn away because of what he’d done.

The punishment would fit the crime of his continuing survival.

You stepped into Axe’s dream world, excited and nervous at the prospect of facing the unknown horrors of this last nightmare that plagued him. The endless grey limbo that surrounded you came as quite a surprise when you expected inky vines of darkness encased in the thorns of Axe’s painful emotions and memories. Axe refused to meet your eyes when you approached him. Something was off about the whole situation.

“Is everything ok?” Maybe Axe wasn’t ready to face the darkness of the upcoming nightmare. You didn’t mind; you weren’t going to push him towards something that he didn’t want to do. You weren’t exactly eager to face it either, and besides, you thought you might enjoy just spending some time with Axe.

When he raised his head to meet your eyes, you couldn’t suppress a gasp of fright. Goosebumps erupted along your arms, and you shivered.

Axe’s single red eyelight… it glowed with an eerie flickering light, seeming to swell until the socket could barely contain the vortex of its power. Axe tilted his head at an unnatural angle and laughed at your reaction. You forced yourself to stand your ground despite your fear. This was not the monster you knew. Axe now embodied the darkness of his own inner turmoil, and it froze the blood in your veins.

“nothing is ok!” Axe’s snarl dissolved into sinister chuckles that made his broad shoulders shake. He lifted a hand, phalanges curved like claws to scrape at the hole in his skull. You lunged forward to pull his hand away before he caused more damage to himself, and he shoved you roughly away.

The hurt and confusion in your eyes filled Axe with dark satisfaction. You needed to know just what kind of monster he was. You needed to fear him, to run away and never come back. Instead, you offered him your compassion yet again.

“Let me help you.” Tears filled your eyes. His madness must be breaking your sweet, loving heart, but he drove home his depravity because if he let himself care, you’d find out the truth eventually anyway. Losing you would hurt more if he actually had you first.

This time when you reached out for him, he dodged, letting your momentum carry you to your hands and knees on the floor. He loomed over you, oozing menace like a thick fog.

“help me?” Axe’s scornful laughter echoed around the empty landscape. “and why,” he asked cruelly, “would you help a murderer?”

“Murderer?” You repeated the word as a question, as if you weren’t completely sure you knew what it meant. Your eyes widened in shock as tendrils of darkness climbed Axe’s arm, sliding over his bones like living tattoos until they pooled in his hand, taking on the shape of a huge meat cleaver.

“how do you think i’ve survived so long, little human? i hunt, and i kill.” He grinned, his mouth stretching into a disturbing parody of joy. “humans mostly. honestly, did you think the blood on my hoodie was mine?”

You admittedly hadn’t thought much about the blood stains on the hoodie. Maybe they were his. Maybe they were ketchup. Maybe in his dreams he wore the stains of his brother’s imagined death. Dreams and nightmares created their own reality with its own details pulled more from a dreamer’s mindset than accurate memories. It shocked you to think that Axe truly wore a hoodie that had once been soaked with fresh blood.

Human blood.

You trembled. Axe began to circle you like a hungry wolf, casually swinging his gigantic cleaver.

“Do you regret it?” you finally asked in a tiny voice.

Those four words penetrated the armor of madness that Axe was using to push you away, and they struck him like a well-timed attack. He reeled, reaching for some lie to keep you from seeing the truth and pitying him.

He found nothing.

The meat cleaver fell from his shaking hand. Axe sank to his haunches, covering his face with his hands, trying to hide from you and your perceptiveness. He wanted to scare you away before you could judge him and abandon him, but you shot your question straight to his SOUL, refusing to believe the worst of him.

“every fucking minute of my life.”

This time, when you tentatively reached for him, undaunted by his previous rejection, he leaned into your touch. He hated himself for his weakness, but every second that you stayed, even if you left eventually, was a second he would cherish until time wore away even the memory of his dust.

With his first admission, however poorly he’d delivered it, out of the way, Axe couldn’t stop himself from confessing even more of his transgressions and regrets. “i lied and told my brother it was meat from an animal in the forest. he didn’t want to eat humans, but i tricked him. i couldn’t let him starve” The words poured out of him; he feared that as soon as things went quiet, you would realize what an irredeemable abomination he was and flee. “i shouldn’t have done it, but i didn’t know what else to do. we were so hungry… and it messed up our magic. there’s no way to hide what we did. no way to undo it.”

Axe’s words stumbled to a halt, and you sat for a moment in the heavy silence of the grey dreamscape, contemplating them. You hated what he had done, but you also understood that his only other option would be watching his brother starve to death. The circumstances didn’t allow for any winners, and Axe suffered with the knowledge of the things he’d done.

“You were trying to survive.” Your voice nearly cracked on the final word. You could not fathom the desperation that drove Axe to his decision.

You remembered all of the heart-breaking stories that Axe told you about the Underground: the human who’d stolen the SOULs that the monsters had gathered and fled, taking the monsters’ hope with them, the death of their monarchs at the human’s hands, the Royal Guard Captain’s ascension to a throne that she didn’t possess the skills to manage, and the unbearable suffering of monsters starving to death or falling down because of an unshakable despair.

You raised your eyes to meet Axe’s eyelight, expecting to see softness there once more, but instead his horrified expression stared back at you. You didn’t need to puzzle out the cause because a moment later, barbed shadow vines lashed you, wrapping around your legs and dragging you towards a puddle of oozing darkness near your feet. You struggled against the thorny tendrils, and they tightened, driving each wickedly sharp thorn-tip into your flesh.

Pain seared your legs, real physical pain… in someone else’s dream. Panic washed over you, and you fought harder to escape, causing the barbs to rip deeper into you.

You screamed.

Shaking off his shock at the sound of your scream, Axe lunged forward. He wrapped both of his arms tightly around you and wrenched you away from the grasping vines. A writhing mass of them rose up behind him, swarming over him like living things. Staggering a few steps forward, Axe set you on an empty bit of space, but the vines quickly pulled him off of his feet and into a kneeling position. More tendrils rose to wrap around him, and the inky darkness of the puddle rose up to meet them, slithering up his body and swallowing him up in the darkness.

“i can’t protect you here… i can’t keep you safe from me, from my mind.” Axe choked out the words through the darkness consuming him. He couldn’t let you come back. He wouldn’t allow you to be in danger because of him.

This had to be good-bye.

He focused his mind.

“don’t come back.”

You jolted awake, that one last glimpse of Axe’s red eyelight, brimming with pain and regret burning in your mind. He had kicked you out of his dreams and told you not to come back. You couldn’t dream-walk in a mind that wasn’t open to your presence. Your throat constricted, and you felt tears sting your eyes. What if you never saw Axe again?

When you tossed back your blankets, you half expected to see scratches on your legs where Axe’s negative thoughts and emotions had touched you, but your skin was unbroken. You’d never experienced a nightmare so vivid and intense, but you breathed a sigh of relief that it couldn’t reach you in the waking world. If only Axe would let you come back, you could tell him that despite your panicked reactions, his dreams had no power to harm you.

Instead, he would continue to face the torment of his past mistakes all alone… for now.

Because while you had been helping Axe deal with his nightmares, you hadn’t neglected the appalling circumstances of his reality. If you could make your waking project work, you would be able to truly save the skeleton that you cared for so deeply.

I won’t let you push me away, you vowed.

Axe settled himself on the bench of his sentry station, taking a break from prowling the forest for potential meals. The barren snowscape left him all alone with his thoughts, and he hated it. In one bout of unhinged boredom, he’d created a sign for the outpost: “Head dogs, 5G.” It made as much sense as anything else in the Underground. Besides, there was no such thing as a hot dog in this frigid wasteland.

The narrow lines of dead tree trunks shifted if he stared at them too long, and the wind that howled through them carried voices whose words he could not quite arrange into coherency. The windblown whispers rose in volume until the roaring of innumerable voices filled his skull. The blazing white of the snow surrounding him only added to the sensory overload. He couldn’t hear, couldn’t see.

“shut up, shut up!” Axe chanted, clawing at the hole in his skull. Reality warped, the passage of time quickened and slowed, and nothing made sense anymore…

… and you were standing in front of him.

Axe recoiled in disbelief. How could this be happening? He hadn’t fallen asleep… or had he? Maybe you were a cruel hallucination conjured by his loneliness. He refused to accept the vision of you even when you reached out in that oh-so-familiar way to calm the scrabbling of his phalanges against the jagged edges of the hole in his skull.

Axe’s hand shot out as quickly as a striking snake and grabbed your wrist. He yanked you forward until you were partially bent over the sill of the sentry station. He raised his massive knife high above his head; his eyes held no recognition, no clarity, no sanity.

You held completely still, unflinching. The meat cleaver hovered threateningly above you, but it did not fall. You and Axe were frozen in the moment, but despite the madness that absolutely radiated from him, you trusted him not to hurt you.

“you’re not real,” Axe accused you in a gravelly whisper. You weren’t even sure if he meant to speak aloud at all.

“Are you going to kill me?” Your voice didn’t waver, and you kept your eyes locked with his single eyelight, calm yet firm.

Axe lowered the knife. Real or imagined, starving or not, he would never hurt you. You knew him too well. He released your wrist, hoping he hadn’t hurt you by grabbing you like that. He wanted to ask how you’d gotten here, but other matters demanded a higher priority.

“you aren’t safe here,” the skeleton scolded gruffly. “didn’t you listen? monsters here kill and eat humans!”

“Good thing I found you first then.” You tried to diffuse the tension with bravado, but you had to admit that your choice to come to the Underground was a risky one. Axe’s eyelight travelled over your body, searching for injuries while surreptitiously taking in the sight of you. His obvious concern for your safety filled you with warmth and determination.

“there’s nothing good about this,” Axe growled though he had to admit that seeing you again definitely felt like a good thing to him. That little bit of goodness could be snuffed out in a hurry though if another monster saw you and attacked. “i’ve got to get you out of here.”

Axe lumbered out of his sentry station, glancing furtively around the barren landscape, though it wasn’t entirely clear whether he expected to spot an enemy or an escape route. The skeleton stopped right next to you, attempting to block you from prying eyes. You found his protective stance rather charming, but you weren’t here to be charmed. You were on a mission.

You slipped your backpack from your shoulders, swinging it around into Axe’s line of sight and opening it. Seven clear canisters sat inside, each with a brightly-colored heart shape inside of it. Axe’s mouth dropped open in shock.

“are those…?” Axe sounded almost reverent, and with good reason.

“Human SOULs? Yes. I gathered these from willing donors who wanted to help set the monsters free.” It had taken dedication and time, but you’d meticulously interviewed potential donors until you tracked down all seven SOUL types that you needed. Now, only the path to the Barrier stood in your way.

Without warning, Axe swept you into a crushing hug, then proceeded to spin you around. Your feet actually left the ground, and you laughed softly at the thrill of it.

“you’ve got to meet my brother, then we’ll smuggle you into the Capitol.” For once you heard excitement and hope in Axe’s voice. His eyelight gleamed with resolution as he reached for your hand. You placed your hand in his without hesitation. Axe’s declaration that he knew a shortcut still rang in your ears as the world spun beneath you and everything went dark.

Disoriented, you tried to take in the scene around you. You’d been outside, standing in a forest choked with dead trees and carpeted in snow, but suddenly you found yourself in a house. The loud colors of the bowling alley style carpeting had long since faded, and the couch had obviously seen better days. Everything in the house was touched with the same look of elegant decay: faded colors, worn fabrics, the yellowing of book pages, and the subtle musk of disuse.

A fine film of the dust of time spoke volumes about the life of two monsters who devoted so much of their lives to simply surviving that they were forced to neglect the basic upkeep of their home. The house looked so long abandoned that the presence of life within it seemed almost surreal. You couldn’t find words to break the silence that permeated the house, soundless echoes of what it had once been.

Movement caught your eye; a lanky figure detached itself from the shadows and stepped in the dust-mote-filled light. Your eyes travelled up and up, an impossible height despite the figure’s hunched posture, until you found facial features that you recognized from Axe’s dream. The vivid colors of Axe’s subconscious bore the same washed-out appearance here that characterized their home, but you knew this must be Papyrus, now known as Crooks due to the effects of his recent tragic diet.

Crooks wrung his hands shyly, awaiting your reaction to his somewhat terrifying appearance. His teeth were crooked and broken, caked with something red that you tried not to think about too much. His nervous actions tugged at your heart, and you offered him a gentle smile which he responded to with a smile of his own.

“I’D OFFER YOU SOME OF MY SIGNATURE SPAGHETTI AND EYEBALLS, BUT WE’RE ALL OUT OF PASTA.” His apologetic tone did little to distract you from the fact that the skeleton brothers were short of pasta but not eyeballs.

“That’s alright. Really.” You didn’t hold out much hope that Crooks had misspoken considering Axe’s earlier admission. The sooner you got these monsters out of their Underground prison, the sooner they could return to normal healthy eating habits.

“my friend here wants to help us get to the Surface. they’ve got plenty of pasta up there. we just need to talk to ol’ Queen Undyne first,” Axe interjected, using a light tone to dispel the awkwardness of his brother’s offer.

Crooks perked up at the mention of Undyne. “UNDYNE WILL BE SO RELIEVED. I DON’T THINK SHE LIKES BEING QUEEN VERY MUCH…” You clutched your backpack and its precious cargo of SOULs, unzipping it slightly to show the mingled glow of seven vibrant colors. Crooks peered at them with a mixture of curiosity and delight.

Axe shifted uncomfortably. “yeah, relieved,” he mumbled, refusing to meet your eyes. You didn’t have much time to wonder about the skeletons’ very different reactions to Undyne because Axe extended a hand to you and Crooks. As soon as your fingertips brushed his smooth, warm bones, everything went dark again.

In the few seconds it took your eyes to communicate the view of a once-opulent throne room to your poor confused brain, a glowing blue spear appeared and slammed into the ground so close to you that you felt the force of the impact thrumming up the shaft of the weapon. If Axe hadn’t yanked you backwards, you would’ve been impaled. Where had it even come from?

“UNDYNE WAIT! THIS HUMAN IS A FRIEND!” You followed the direction of Crooks’ voice to see an armor-clad monster with a wild mane of crimson hair. She held another glowing blue spear, and her single yellow eye focused on you with murderous malice. You staggered backwards from the force of her glare.

“No human is a friend to monsters,�� Queen Undyne roared, launching a volley of her spears at you. You resigned yourself to your doom, regretting that your rescue attempt had been such a short-lived failure.

A wall of bones erupted from the tiles of the floor, blocking the attack. Crooks and Axe both stood next to you, arms outstretched to summon the defensive maneuver. More spears struck the bones, causing them to shudder, but they remained standing. You turned wide, panicked eyes to Axe, searching for some explanation or reassurance.

“can you hold her off?” Axe asked Crooks, who nodded somberly. The stocky skeleton grabbed your arm and dragged you down a hallway of soaring pillars coated thickly in cobwebs and floor to ceiling windows of cloudy, cracked glass. Away from the immediate danger, you began to tremble. Tears welled up in your eyes.

Axe pulled you close, wrapping you in the safety of his arms and gently rubbing your back. He made soft shushing sounds, and you realized that your tears had turned into terrified sobs. Your body shook, and you hiccuped, trying to catch your breath. Axe held you until the overwhelming wave of emotion subsided.

“i’m so sorry. i thought maybe we could talk some sense into Undyne. she and my brother used to be really close, but the last human who came through here… well, that human killed a lot of monsters and stole the SOULs that we had collected towards breaking the barrier. they left us with nothing but despair and dust, and Undyne blamed herself for not stopping them. it… affected her.” Once again, Axe looked guilty.

“How can we convince her that I’m trying to help?” You gripped your backpack with determined hands. You didn’t gather these SOULs for nothing, and you didn’t plan to leave the starving monsters in the Underground without at least making an effort to save them.

“you aren’t going to convince her of anything.” You opened your mouth to protest, but Axe laid a phalange against your lips to silence you. “i want you to get out of here. it’s not safe, and i would never forgive myself if something happened to you.”

“What about breaking the Barrier?”

Loud crashes sounded from the Throne Room. Axe shot a quick glance over his shoulder before pushing you further down the hallway. “i need to go help my brother. if we can convince Undyne to trust you, i’ll meet you at the Barrier to break it and free the monsters.”

“What if you can’t?” More sounds of destruction threatened to drown out your whispered words, but Axe was close enough to hear you over the cacophony. Sorrow filled his single eyelight.

“i won’t put you in danger.”

“That doesn’t answer my question!” Actually, it did answer your question, and the implications left you frantic with worry for him. You wanted to explain how you felt about him, why his plan tore your heart to pieces, that you couldn’t just leave him behind, but the sounds of battle were approaching quickly.

Crooks slid backwards into the pillar-lined hallway, kicking up dirt. He held bone attacks in his gloved hands, and he used them to deflect wave after wave of spear attacks. The barrage of attacks drove him backwards again, closer to you and his brother. Axe stepped between you and the sound of Undyne’s war cries.

Turning, he cupped your cheek in one large, bony hand. His eyelight drank you in as if to memorize every feature of your tear-streaked face. He leaned forward and kissed your forehead. “go,” he murmured, pressing his forehead to yours.

Then he was gone, teleporting to the entrance of the hallway to join Crooks with bone attacks flying.

If you stayed, it would only distract him. He wanted you to go, to be safe. It took every bit of willpower in your body to walk away, to step through the Barrier without him, knowing that he never would’ve fought Undyne if it wasn’t for your meddling.

You waited.

And waited.

The seconds stretched out, each one lasting a thousand excruciating years.

You waited.

Axe curled up on the couch, full to bursting from a delicious dinner prepared by his brother. Yawning, he rested his skull in your lap, and you gently stroked his scapulae, smiling as he began to doze. He no longer feared nightmares. In fact, he rarely dreamed at all anymore. After all, what would be the point in dreaming?

Life on the Surface far surpassed anything that his subconscious could fabricate, and he already lived that dream every single day, with you.

INDEX

#vexy writes #horrortale #horrortale sans #ht!sans #horrortale papyrus #ht!papyrus #horrortale undyne #ht!undyne #horror!sans x reader #fem!reader

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blackmissfrizzle · 4 years

Text

No One Has to Know- Part 3

Characters: Angel Reyes x black!reader

Summary: Angel confronts Bishop about his gift to you.

Warnings: Mentions of torture

A/N: Its finally here!

Like what you read, here’s more and if you really like it here’s my taglist

Part 2

Bishop could barely keep this secret anymore. Every time you would pop up at the club, he wanted to envelope you in his arms, but he had to settle for the little hugs you would give him time to time.

Then, he wanted to strangle every man hitting on you. One day when he was riding by, he saw Nestor flirting with you, tucking a strand of hair behind your ear. He almost ran Nestor over that day. Calling on his primo, Marcus, he had him speak to Miguel, because he didn’t want any cartel member near his baby girl and in no way did his personal life need to mix with business.

And he almost killed Angel on multiple occasions as well. It’s obvious he could see the love Angel has for you, but the lust was just as clear and too much for Bishop to handle. The way his eyes would roam over your body, or how he would grab your ass when he walked past you, or when he came to the club in a good mood because you got him right that morning.

Everything would set Bishop off. Only Hank and Taza could calm him down and that was getting harder now. He could feel his resolve breaking down. He wanted your mom to tell you, but as each day passed it looked like it would be him.

While Bishop was struggling with keeping the truth from you, Angel was struggling with the idea that Bishop was trying to steal his girl.

It seems that every time Bishop was around you, he was up in your face. Checking on you a little too much, asking about you more than any other woman associated with the club, taking you on your first bike ride, teaching you how to dance, and in general just giving Angel shit.

Angel decided he wasn’t gonna take anymore when he caught something inside of your helmet. There was an inscription that said, ‘Para mi preciosa,’ (For my precious). He knew you haven’t seen it, because you would automatically ask him did he know about it. Taking your helmet, he got on his bike and headed for the scrap yard.

On a mission, Angel didn’t even respond to Chucky when he greeted him. He just brushed past the man and searched for his target. He found Bishop at a table with Riz, Tranq, and Creeper playing cards.

“Hey Bis, can I speak with you?”

Bishop look up at Angel and could tell he was irritated. “After this hand.” He told him, not wanting to deal with whatever drama Angel was caught up in.

“I was hoping it could be now. It’s kinda serious.”

Bishop slammed down his cards. “Is it kinda serious or is it serious?”

“Serious. It’s about Y/N.” The flash of worry that crossed Bishop’s face confirmed his suspicions that something was going on.

The two of them went to sit at the bar. “What’s going on Angel?”

He couldn’t find the words, so he threw your helmet in Bishop’s direction. “What the hell is this? ‘Para mi preciosa?’ You trying to make a move on my girl?”

Bishop didn’t mean for Angel to find that. Well, not now at least. He thought the secret would be out by now. “No one’s trying to take your girl, Angel.” Bishop left it at that and tried to walk away.

“Then explain the inscription.” Angel stopped his retreat.

“It’s none of your fucking business.” Now they attracted everyone’s attention. They were standing toe to toe in the middle of the room.

“No fuck that! You’ve been giving her too much attention for too fucking long! You need to step off!”

Bishop knew Angel was just protecting his, but he couldn’t tolerate the disrespect. “Or what?”

That did it. Angel threw the first swing and Bishop tackled him. They were so busy fighting that they didn’t notice you yelling at them.

You were about to pull Bishop off Angel, but what he said stopped you in your tracks.

“She’s my fucking kid! Y/N’s my daughter!”

“What?” As quiet as you were, Angel and Bishop heard you. They clambered over each other trying to get to you.

“Mija, follow me.” He guided you to the famed Templo. Angel tried to follow, but Hank stopped him. “Let them work it out first.”

“I thought only Mayans were only allowed in here.” You ran your fingers against the carved table.

“Exceptions can be made for Mayan royalty.”

You raised your eyebrow at him. You always wanted to be an honorary member, but princess could work too. “Be careful. Give me an inch and I’ll be your first patched female member. Kutte and all.”

“I don’t doubt that. Come sit, mija.” He patted the seat next to him.

Bishop practiced this speech multiple times, but now the words were stuck in his throat.

All the times you’ve been around Bishop, you’ve never seen him so unwillingly quiet. You took mercy on him and squeezed his hand. “You’re him, aren’t you?”

“What?”

“You’re the guy my mom always used to warn me about. She used to tell me about the guy who almost ruined her life as a cautionary tale.”

Bishop lit his cigarette and took a drag. “Is that so?”

“Yeah, but I always thought she was a coward.” Bishop furrowed his brows at your confession. “Why is that?”

“Because whenever she would talk about you, no matter how much venom and disdain she had in her voice there was a twinkle in her eye. Her love for you would shine through. Although not as bright as it did in the past, I suspect. I’m pretty sure you being from the wrong side of the tracks caused her to drop you thus cowardice. Her need for people’s approval cost her you and our relationship.” As you went on Bishop could see you get riled up even more reminding him of his own temper. To get you to calm down, Bishop wrapped you in his arms.

This hugs weren’t like hugs in the past. This hug was full of love and longing. This hug had a tinge of grief for the lost time between father and daughter.

You pulled back some when you felt some of Bishop’s tears on your face. “Are you crying?”

“Yeah, I’ve been waiting for this moment forever.”

“How long have you known?” You asked wiping away his tears. “I suppose for a while, but I confirmed it a little before your graduation party.”

You remember seeing Bishop talk to your mom the night of the party. She always hated him, but that night you saw a flash of fear in her eyes when she was talking to him. Guess the cat was out of the bag.

While you and Bishop were having your reunion, everyone else was making fun of Angel freaking out. “Dating the president’s daughter, who would’ve thought?” Gilly nudged him on the way to the pool table.

“That’s the least of his worries. Bishop and Alvarez are more like brothers than cousins. So, he’s dating el presidente’s daughter and el padrino’s niece. One fuck up and…pow!” Coco made his fingers into a gun and pointed it at Angel.

“Shut the fuck up, you two.” EZ brought everyone a beer. “Thank you, lil bro.” At least Angel had one person on his side. “They won’t shoot him first. It’ll definitely be torture first.”

Angel tried to swing at his brother, but EZ ducked and tackled him. They ended up wrestling with each other. Neither one grabbing the upper hand.

The brothers were in a jumble of limbs on the ground when you and Bishop finally left Templo. “You sure you wanna be with that idiot?” The president pointed at Angel on the floor in a headlock. “Get these steroid arms off of me, Ezekiel! You’re like some sick creation of Syd from Toy Story!”

“Yeah, I’m sure. He’s my idiot.” Even in a headlock Angel was adorable.

Eventually, the Reyes brothers sensed yours and Bishop’s presence and stopped their wrestling. Angel stood still as Bishop walked up to him. “If you ever hurt her, I’m gonna cut you into pieces, bury you in a fucking hole and piss in it.”

“Told you, torture.” EZ boasted to Coco and Gilly.

“Shut up, Prospect.” Angel and Bishop ordered him at the same time.

There was more talk about how Bishop would torture and desecrate Angel’s body if he ever hurt you. Being the daughter of a biker president sounded violent but oddly comforting.

“And definitely no sex at the clubhouse. Keep that shit at home and away from me.”

Forgetting where you were at the moment, you blurted out, “So that Templo thing is a no go?”

“What Templo thing, Angel?” Bishop questioned, ready to fuck Angel up again.

Angel’s eyes widened at you and you gave him a sheepish shrug, apologizing for your blabber mouth. “Nothing, Bis.”

“Keep it that way.” Bishop poked Angel in the chest.

Your phone started ringing and the name on the screen put you in a trance. Finding out that Bishop is your biological father is great, but it’s a whole lifetime too late. And of course, you loved the man who raised you, but you also missed out on a lot with Bishop and that was because of one person.

The phone finally stopped ringing and you went straight to your car. “Querida?” Angel called out to you, but you ignored him.

“Follow her, pendejo!” Bishop pushed Angel while grabbing his own keys.

“Where is she going?” Angel ran out the door and to his bike. “To the person who just lied to her for her whole life,” Bishop snapped on his helmet and revved up his bike. “Her mother.”

Tagging: @angrythingstarlight @imanerdychubbyqueen @starrynite7114 @lilsmilez @marvelmaree @thickemadame @chaneajoyyy @woahitslucyylu @angelreyesgirl @sadeyesgf @blessedboo @ljstraightnochaser @my-rosegold-soul @richonne4life @brattyfics @lovebennycolon @langiinspirations @chibsytelford @brownsugarcoffy @thesandbeneathmytoes @fvckthisbxtchup @theartisticqueen

#angel reyes x #angel reyes x reader #angel reyes x black!reader #bishop losa x daughter!reader #angel reyes fanfic #mayans mc #mayans mc fanfic #frizzlefic #frizzlesfic #no one has to know series

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kurlyfrasier · 3 years

Text

Terrified: Part 4

Raph x Reader

Synopsis: Raph saves you from ruffians one night in an alley after watching out for you for weeks without you knowing. Which leads you to getting to know the guys and becoming part of the family. But Raph keeps a distance and you don’t understand why.

Word Count: 1708

Warnings: None

I woke up later than intended- much later, as in waking in the afternoon later- red-eyed and weary from the tears shed the night before. I had decided, once I had calmed down enough to think beyond losing the boys- most especially Raph- that tonight would be my last movie night. At least, for a while. I also planned on telling them they need not walk me home after work. Granted, I had no idea how I planned on convincing them that they weren’t needed.

Maybe I could tell them I’m moving? Getting a new job?

I sighed, looking into the mirror. If tonight was going to be my last night seeing Ra- them, then I would make the most of it. I decided I would look my best, without looking desperate...hopefully. Sadly, this meant I did not get to start my new book since l only had about an hour until Mikey would be here to pick me up. Yet another reason to stop burdening the boys. Regretting the fact that I wouldn’t get to wear pajamas like I usually do on movie nights, I trudged to my closet.

A little over an hour later Mikey found me in the middle of brushing just a tad bit of make-up on; to cover up my red-rimmed eyes.

“Whoa angelcakes,” he drawled once I stepped out of the bathroom, eyeing my long, fitted sweater dress- because it gets cold in the lair- and warm leggings with comfortable Chuck Taylors.

See? Not desperate. Comfy.

“Raph is gonna lov-” He stopped himself short when I gave him a quizzical look. “I mean, you look hot, dudette. Got any plans tonight?” he wiggled, what one would call, his eyebrows, erupting a giggle out of me.

“Only to hang out with my besties, that’s all,” I shrugged, grabbing my phone, hoping he wouldn’t comment about my not-so-usual outfit once we got to the lair. I really did not want it made more obvious than it already is.

“Sounds like the best plan, but are you sure you don’t wanna bring pj’s for after?”

“I’m sure, Mikey,” I smiled reassuringly up at him as he plucked me up out of the window and onto the roof. “These are just as comfortable as pajamas, promise.”

“Okay then, let’s go,” he helped me onto his shell. “Can’t wait to beat you in a new racing game I got,” he hopped from roof to roof, holding me tight. I couldn’t help but compare his smaller, bulky size to Raph. I don’t think I would have been able to hold on to his shell quite as well.

“You’re on, man. But don’t come crying to me when you lose.”

He barked out a laugh and we stayed silent until we got to the man-hole cover.

“Hey, angelcakes,” Mikey started sheepishly when we got to the bottom of the ladder, scratching the back of his neck. “I wanted to ask…”

“Yeah?” I gave him an encouraging smile.

“Did somethin’ spook you last night?” He blurted out.

“No,” I furrowed my brows, confused about where this is coming from. Unless…

“Raph said you were running for your life after you got off the subway. I just wanted to make sure everything is okay.”

“Oh,” I tried thinking of an excuse, averting my gaze. “I just didn’t want to be a burden, is all.”

Not a complete lie.

“A burden?” He looked shocked as I turned toward their home and started walking that way, hoping to hide my despondency. “You’re not a burden, angelcakes! Besides, before that night in the alley, Raph was already-”

I stopped in my tracks as Mikey sauntered ahead.

“I mean, we like making sure you're okay. We don’t want a repeat of that night we first met,” he continued rambling, but I wasn’t listening. I wanted to know what he was gonna say about Raph. After a few steps he realized I wasn’t next to him anymore. “Come on, Y/n. Don’t want ya to get lost.”

I nodded, unwilling to ask my question as we continued our trek to the lair. I took a deep, calming breath to brace myself before entering the living room area where I knew Splinter, the wonderful father that he is, would be prepping for homemade pizza. Donnie had made an old brick oven not long ago and built it directly underneath a grate above that they only opened when baking pizza so the smoke would have an escape. I found it ingenious because now they could have pizza whenever they wanted. Which was always. A small smile formed at the thought.

Not five steps in and Raph blocked my path, arms crossed as he assessed me for injuries. I stared straight into his chest, unable to meet his all-seeing gaze. He would know something was wrong the moment we made eye contact, he always did.

“Bro, she’s fiiiine,” Mikey sang, lightly punching Raph’s shoulder as he walked by. “I would never let anything happen to her. She is my precious sister, after all.”

Raph ignored him, grunting in approval with a curt nod before walking away. Allowing me to breathe again, not realizing I had held my breath in the first place.

~~~~~~~~~~

Raph was anxious to see you. He had been attempting to work it off all day, to no avail. Everytime he closed his eyes he saw you, standing in front of him, looking small, keeping your thoughts to yourself.

He growled in frustration, clenching his hands into fists. If only he knew what had you so utterly shattered last night.

He needed to see you.

He needed to know you were safe.

Raph breathed out a sigh of relief when he heard you and Mikey coming, but stopped short when he saw what you were wearing. Vaguely, he wondered where you had come from to be looking so good. That red sweater stuck to your form as if it was painted on. It may have covered almost every inch of skin from your thighs up, but it hardly left room for the imagination. Thos leggings did the same.

Where were your baggy pj’s?

Robotically, he blocked your path to determine if you had been hurt. Really though, it was all a ruse. He just wanted to have a good look at you. He crossed his arms over his chest to keep himself from holding you close. The fact that you wouldn’t meet his gaze had his blood running cold. You always at least gave him a tentative glance and a smile. Next to him, Mikey said something about you being his precious sister, but all he could think was that you were his precious everything. He didn’t even feel his brother’s light punch as he walked by.

He grunted as if saying “that’ll do” and walked away, wishing he knew what was wrong. Wishing he could make it all better.

“I’m gonna go help Donnie with something before we play, okay Mikey?” You spoke barely above a whisper before heading to Donnie’s lab.

The moment you were out of sight he rounded on Mikey. “So wha’ didya find out?” he growled in in his face.

“Nothin’, bro!” Mikey held his hands up in surrender, backing away. “She said something like not wanting to be a burden. I don’t know. She was kinda quiet though. I barely got her to smile.”

“But nothin’ ‘bout wha’ scared her?” he asked low, peeking around to make sure you hadn’t decided to come back.

“Nadda. Just said she didn’t wanna be a burden. I told her she’s not. That we like takin’ her home, but,” he paused when he noticed Raph shaking, stiff as a board. “Uh-oh…”

Raph stomped away toward Donnie’s lab, barely able to comprehend what Mikey was telling him.

You? A burden?

Never.

He planned on shaking you to your senses until he heard what you were saying to Donnie.

“...gonna take some self-defense classes so you guys don’t have to walk me home anymore. What do you think?”

Raph leaned against the wall, going to a whole new level of low with eavesdropping. He decided it was worth it if he could figure out what was wrong.

“We could teach you,” Donnie offered offhandedly. “Besides, we like taking you home. We can actually have a conversation as we protect you.”

“Nah, you guys are busy as it is,” you paused. “Plus, I don’t want to bother you guys even more.”

“What are you talking about, Y/n?” Something clattered, a sign that you have Donnie’s full attention. “You’re no bother. Did something happen?”

“No, nothing happened,” you sighed before continuing quietly. “I just- I might be getting another job-”

“You’re a terrible liar, you know that, right?” Donnie chuckled in an attempt to lighten the mood. “Is this about last night? I heard you were running from something.”

“Ugh! I wanted to get home faster! That’s all,” you fumed, stomping a foot, demanding why the boys kept asking you about last night.

“We’re worried, Y/n,” Donnie stated calmly. “You spend a lot of time with us. That could make you a target. Especially if anyone figures out how much you mean to Ra- uh… us.”

“Fine,” you seethed. “I’ll stop hanging out with you guys, then. That way nobody will have to worry about my safety.”

Donnie’s call for you fell on deaf ears as Raph snuck into the darkened room across from the lab, your steps echoed down the hall. He sunk low in the shadows and held his head close to his knees, eyes shut tight in a sad attempt to keep the tears from flowing freely. He couldn’t breathe. His heart felt as though it were being shattered into a million pieces.

You were leaving? The thought ricocheted through his brain.

What had happened to bring this about? Everything was fine until last night.

Maybe someone got to you already? The thought had his blood boiling. Allowed him to breathe. He had a purpose; to find out what happened in the ten minutes you were on the subway. He was determined to keep you close. Keep you safe. No matter the cost. Even if he had to lock you in his room.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Part 5

#tmnt raph fanfic #tmnt #fanfic #raph x reader #my writing #raph #raphael #leo #mikey #donnie #splinter #angst

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satyr-syd · 3 years

Text

Seconds after Sero stepped into the blazing heat of the summer sun, sweat already pooling at the base of his spine under his thin tank-top, it began to snow.

Chilly pin-pricks dotted the back of his back. A gust of wind manifested out of nowhere and whipped against his tragically exposed sides. He held out his hand and watched as tiny white specks melted on his sweaty palm. Sero looked up, but the sun still beat down, unhindered by a single wisp of cloud. Goosebumps pimpled down his arms.

Well this sucks.

He was supposed to meet Todoroki in the quad five minutes ago for their daily study session (Sero had many charming qualities, and being fashionably late was one of them). Ever since their dorm’s AC had been tragically annihilated in an acid-related incident that Sero had absolutely no part in whatsoever, the quad was the best place to study. Outside, there was at least the suggestion of a breeze.

Okay, so it was a bit more than a suggestion now. More like a firm instruction, edging on harsh demand.

Sero rubbed his arms together, elbows tight against his poor exposed sides. Man oh man was he not a fan of winter. Winter meant trying to find the one jacket in the entire mall that suited his specific physique and hoping they still stocked it in his size. Where did the snow even come from? Why did it have to be now of all times? If he tried to make himself a jacket out of his tape would it actually work this time?

While Sero stood there freezing his ass off like an idiot instead of like, going back inside, a white-and-red head made its way through the quad to him.

read on ao3

fic art by @kim-namzoom!!!

“Hanta,” Todoroki greeted. His hair, grown lovingly past his shoulders in the spirit of spite (“My father despises it,” Todoroki had announced proudly after returning from winter break their second year), laid over his shoulder in a loose braid. Sero wondered who’d braided it for him. It looked nice.

By then, an icy sheen coated the ground and the wind blew loud enough to howl in his ear, and the nails on Sero’s fingers began to purple. “Dude, is this you?” Sero asked.

Todoroki shook his head. He stood close, nearly shoulder to shoulder. “I don’t know how to make snow.”

“Huh,” Sero said. “You should learn how. Then we could have snow cones like every day.”

Todoroki held out his hand - the right one - next to Sero’s.Whereas the snowflakes melted into watery mush in Sero’s palm after a few moments, they held their shape in Todoroki’s, forming a lacy layer of crystals over his slender fingers.

“Do you like snowcones?” Torodoki asked.

Sero shrugged. “Dunno, never had one.”

“Neither have I.”

Present Mic’s voice burst through the loudspeakers. “THERE HAS BEEN A QUIRK MISHAP! SORRY FOR THE UNFORESEEN WEATHER, KIDDOS! PLEASE MAKE YOUR WAY BACK TO YOUR ROOMS WHILE WE FIGURE OUT WHAT’S HAPPENING.”

The few students still standing outside slowly filed indoors.

“Maybe one of the first years?” Sero asked.

“Probably,” Todoroki said. He held up his hand. “They’re the ones most lacking in control...and yet, overflowing with arrogance.”

“Wow, sounds like someone I knew in first year.”

Todoroki nodded sagely. “Bakugou was certainly a handful.”

“I know you know who I was talking about,” Sero said, poking his shoulder.

Todoroki smirked. It was just the slight quirk of his lips, barely visible unless you knew to look for it. Sero knew to look. He’s seen that smile a lot, these days. Which was great, because Todoroki had a wonderful smile, but also not great, because whenever he made Todoroki smile, his heart doki-doki ’d so hard that he was positive Todoroki could hear it.

See, asking Todoroki to tutor him had been a highly calculated move that had not one, but two purposes: first, Sero was, is, and (if we’re being honest) probably always will be a terrible student and if there was any chance of him getting decent grades his last year of high school, he needed a tutor. He could have asked the other top-scoring students, but Momo and Kendo were too busy (he wasn’t the only idiot scrambling for a passing grade), Bakugou was too explodey, Iida was too boring, and Midoriya was too muttery. Todoroki was none of those things and also the hottest of the bunch, which lead to purpose number two: as his tutor, he and Todoroki could spend more time alone together. Why? Because six months had passed since Sero admitted to himself that he was no better than every other girl in school and was totally crushing on the Icy-hot hero Shouto and now he’s tired of pining like some basic bitch.

“Let’s study in my room,” Todoroki said.

Sero had been to Torodoki’s room like, a ton of times, but his heart still skipped a beat every time Todoroki invited him. “Lead the way, sensei,” he said.

“I’m not your sensei.”

“Your teaching prowess says otherwise, sensei.”

“Call me sensei one more time and I’ll have Bakugou quiz you on polar coordinates.”

“Now that’s just cruel,” Sero said. He spun in front of Todoroki. “But I don’t think you have the heart to follow through on that - ” Sero tapped his nose to the beat of his killing blow “ - sen-sei.”

Todoroki stared at him for a moment, pouting, cheeks pink from the cold. Then he pulled out his phone and began texting Bakugou.

“Noooooo shit I’m sorry I’ll stop! It was just a joke!”

This is it, Sero told himself. Snow storm wailing outside, holed up in Todoroki’s room, just the two of us - this is my moment.

Todoroki’s room hadn’t changed much since their first year. Decorative pot of bamboo in the corner (fake), tall, dark wooden drawers, a low desk free of clutter, tatami flooring, somehow. That ugly checkered mat by his desk. But where there once was one chair, now there were two. A pair of crocs (never worn) sat in front of his dresser. And on the dresser, crowding the decorative orb, half a dozen framed pictures: Todoroki, Midoriya, and Bakugou at the end of their internship with Endeavor; their class picture from last year; Natsuo and Fuyumi showering Todoroki in hugs; a selfie Sero took of him and Todoroki on their first day of their summer internship with Edgeshot.

There was also a behemoth purple beanbag sitting by the shoji screen. It looked wildly out of place with the rest of his traditional set-up. Sero dragged it over to Todoroki’s desk and flopped down into it.

Over the next twenty minutes, they reviewed that day’s lessons (apparently it’s like, good practice to review what you’ve learned that same day, which was annoying, but Sero’s grades had been going up, so whatever). Todoroki explained over and over until Sero actually understood how to convert Cartesian coordinates to polar coordinates. Maybe he wouldn’t have had to explain so many times if Sero had listened carefully, but, well, it was hard with Todoroki talking to him in the soothing, patient tone he took on when he was teaching. He just looked so cute with his brow furrowed, thinking up a new way to explain a concept that would penetrate Sero’s thick skull. Sero liked to think he had built up a tolerance to buff, attractive men over his nearly-three years at U.A., but he was still weak to Todoroki’s hands, to the way his tight t-shirt clung to his broad shoulders.

The fact that he was cold as shit wasn't helping him focus either. Faint shadows of falling snow danced along the translucent paper walls of the shoji screen, taunting him.

But hey, at least he vaguely understood the polar coordinate system.

“You know, you’re pretty good at this,” Sero said after he finally solved a difficult math problem all on his own. “I bet the others would die to get their hands on your notes.”

“Guess they’ll die, then.”

Sero snickered. “That’s rough, dude.”

Todoroki shrugged. “I’m not going to put effort into something I don’t like to do when I know they won’t appreciate it.”

Sero freezes. “Wait - you don’t like tutoring?”

“Well - ”

“Oh shit, am I making you do something you hate? Bro, why didn’t you tell me, I wouldn’t have - ”

“It’s different when it’s you,” Todoroki said sharply.

Sometimes, it was hard to tell when Todoroki was joking, or if he was actually serious. The look in those blue-brown eyes, though, showed his resolve loud and clear.

Todoroki immediately averted his eyes. “I like helping you,” he muttered, “so it’s fine.”

“Oh.”

Not for the first time, Sero wondered: why him? Todoroki had many other friends ...maybe friends that were smarter than he was and didn’t need tutoring, granted, but other friends he could be hanging out with. What’s the appeal? Was it his wonderfully terrible sense of humor? Was it the muscles he totally wasn't showing off? Was it because they shared the same taste in manga (oh yeah - he should ask Todoroki if he finished with week’s Shonen Champion)? Was it because he, unlike at least half of their year, was capable of talking at a normal volume? Over his time at U.A., Sero had gained more confidence in himself than he ever thought he would, but when it came to Todoroki, he still felt...small. Unsure if the light that shone from a great hero like Todoroki drowned out his own little spark.

Usually things between them were pretty chill, but after that comment, a weird kind of tension settled over the room. Not bad, just quiet, like when there's a sleeping cat on your laps and you're afraid any movement will wake it.

Pretty soon, though, Sero began to shiver. He couldn’t help it - there was a winter storm outside, apparently, and he was in a tank top and jorts, and seriously, did no one turn the heat on? Did no one turn the heat on and the AC miraculously began working again?

Todoroki was staring at him, too. God, he must have thought Sero was some kind of pansy, getting cold so easily, unable to regulate his own temperature like some people (though he guessed in that case, most people would be pansies to Todoroki).

13) Convert 2x−5x 3 =1+xy into polar coordinates.

Sero tapped his pen against his paper. Todoroki’s gaze followed the movement, then returned to his face. Sero could practically feel his impatience.

Sero put his pen down and stretched his arms over his head. Todoroki looked away. Got’em.

“You know...” Sero said. Todoroki glanced back at him. “...staring at me isn’t going to help me solve this stupid question any faster.”

“I wasn’t staring,” Todoroki said, crossing his arms like a petulant child.

Sero grinned. Anyone who knew him well can tell you that the Cool and Cold hero Shouto was just as petty as any mortal. Probably pettier, in fact. “You totally were.”

Todoroki frowned. “You were shivering.”

“Yeah, wonder why.”

Todoroki’s gaze shifted over to him. He looked Sero up and down. Sero tried and failed not to shiver. Todoroki’s clenched jaw softed and his eyes smiled and he stared - this time, he was definitely staring - Sero felt his face heating up (well, that’s one way to get warm).

Wordlessly, Todoroki got up and sat down next to him on the beanbag. Sero fell against him, shoulder to shoulder, hip to hip, thigh to thigh, the tips of Todoroki’s braid tickling his shoulder.

Sero froze up (pun intended). His heart pounded in his ears. But he knew what Todoroki was doing, so he didn’t feel guilty as he curled into his side, basking in the warmth like a cat in a strip of sunlight. And the warmth from Todoroki’s left side began to melt him down.

He pressed his cheek against Todoroki’s shoulder and said, “I thought you didn’t like people using you as a space heater.”

“Most people.”

Sero smirked. “So you’re saying I’m special?”

Todoroki looked at him and smiled. “Didn’t I say that earlier?”

Ohhhh man oh fuck. How could he just say that, looking at him like that, like he was more than just the plainest guy in class, like he really was special? Sero was known for keeping his cool, for being the chillest dude in the group, but with someone as special as Todoroki looking at him like he’s special…fuck.

“I mean, well, like that was just about tutoring and not, you know - ” nearly sitting in my fucking lap, “ - sharing personal space.”

“You looked cold,” Todoroki said. He could feel Todoroki’s breath on his cheek. “I didn’t want you to be distracted.”

“I’m a lot more distracted now.”

A part of him cringed as the words left his mouth. Oh god, why did I say that, was that even sexy? But another part of him pushed that part down and shushed it. This is the opening we’ve been waiting for, it said. Even if Todoroki turned him down, at least he could graduate without any regrets. Maybe he could even tell his grandkids that he once received a personal rejection from the great hero Shouto.

“Oh.” Todoroki said, shoulder tensing where Sero leaned against him. Sero braced himself mentally, the same way he did before he launched himself off a building, preparing for the inevitable gut-plunge as he swooped toward the ground. “...me too.”

And there’s the thrill of the upward swing.

Sero was an idiot, but he wasn’t stupid. He wouldn’t have shot his shot if he’d thought he had no chance. Still, hearing Todoroki say he feels it too took him by surprise in the best way possible. Like tasting the sweet tang of umiboshi in the center of a plain-looking onigiri. Like acing a test you thought you failed. Like snow in June.

The air between them was electric but still. Did that count as admitting their feelings? What should he say now? Where were they supposed to go from here? All Sero wanted to do his grab Todoroki’s hand and hold his stupid pretty face in his hands and kiss him silly, but they should probably like, talk about things -

“Hanta.”

“Yeah?”

“Can I kiss you?”

“Oh thank fuck - yes please.”

And then he was kissing Todoroki Shouto, son of number one hero Endeavor, one of the Big Three most promising students at the most prestigious hero school in the country. His lips were soft but clumsy, shy but adamant as he pressed against him. Sero cupped his face and felt the slight inhale of Shouto’s gasp. Despite being pinned down by the weight of Shouto’s chest on his and trapped between the strong forearms framing his face, the light that perpetually emanated from the great hero Shouto wasn’t overwhelming. Sero was warmed by his light instead of cowed by it. In that moment, Shouto’s light drew out the best in him - and his little spark ignited.

Yet, that question that always nagged him surfaced again: Why me?

As Shouto’s kisses began to trail down his neck, Sero figured he could ask why later - when Shouto wasn’t busy showing him it’s you, it’s you.

Even with the frozen tundra battering just outside, Sero was burning up again.

#bnha #mha #boku no hero academia #my hero academia #bnha fanfiction #bnha fic #seroroki #sero hanta #todoroki shouto #my writing

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austarus · 4 years

Text

Harrison Wells (Eobard Thawne) Integrated Revelations (3/3)

**A/N: The picture/edit/gif does not belong to me.

**Hey guys, enjoy the final installment! Meanwhile, I’m going to go cry about physics because our physics department is shit and I’d rather much learn from Eo or Harry physics since they’ll actually teach me. Please don’t forget to comment, like, and reblog. It means a lot to content creators of all kinds!

Part 1 Part 2

Word Count: 5770

“Right here,” future Barry responded calmly as he entered the Cortex. Both versions made eye contact before future Barry sighed to himself. He knew he royally screwed up big time. The speedster was supposed to be in and out with the speed equation. I didn’t intend to get them all tangled with- with that Time Wraith… What’s done is done, but at least I know Thawne and I are in the same boat. Barry took a glimpse at you. Not that it’ll matter anyway. He won’t deny the immense hole that would dig itself in your chest a year from now. Stoic and devoid of any of the warm emotions you normally bring to the labs. It… is what it is. Eddie made his choice that day, ‘there are no such things as coincidences’.

“Okay,” Cisco stepped out of the small lab with Caitlin following behind. “Not how I expected today to turn out.” You gave Eobard a look as if to say, you trained him. Eobard ignored the meaning behind your glance while you both remained in the side lab, observing the interaction between these four.

“Yeah,” Future Barry agreed quietly to himself.

“Okay, so I'm-who are... who are you?” Present Barry stumbled over his words, his mind trying to catch up with what his eyes were seeing.

“Who is he? Who are you?” Caitlin chimed in with an arched brow, eyes moving between the two Barry’s

Present Barry frowned at the biological genius. “What do you- I'm Barry. I'm Barry. Your Barry. He's-”

“-Your doppelganger.” You face-palmed at Cisco’s revelation, whispering an ‘oh my god’ to yourself while directed your gaze up to the ceiling. Eobard started to wheel out of the small side lab, where you and held be at the back of the standing group.

“No, not yet.” Eobard gave Future Barry a subtle incredulous look as he continued to talk. He clenched a fist tightly, resting an arm on the armrest of his wheelchair You mouthed, ‘Bro, just shut up!’ and even made hand gestures to your mouth. “I am you, Barry. Just… different.” Present Barry nodded in awe.

Cisco looked between the two, an urge to know which Barry’s a fraud or not, and if any of this is actually real, “Wait a second, how do we know which one's the real Barry?”

A hurt look crossed Present Barry’s puppy-like expression, “Dude, okay, I've watched ‘Wrath of Khan’ with you like five times.”

“Imposter!” Cisco pointed an accusatory finger at Future Barry. You know, the one that’s been running around this entire time after the comms incident and insistence on a speed equation.

Eobard just shook his head at the nonsense between the two Barry’s and Cisco, trying to somehow keep it together before he popped a blood vessel. “Yeah, and every time at the end, you turn to me and you say, ‘I have been and always shall be your friend’."

“Haha! You, imposter!” Cisco cried out in frustration, both arms directed at the two different Barry’s. Caitlin just narrowed her eyes to a squint at Present Barry. “What is going on here?” You were just baffled at this point and 1000% done with Bartholomew Henry Allen aka the best person to run his mouth and reveal everything.

“Okay, guys, I'm sorry. This was not supposed to happen. The tranq dart that Caitlin made,” Eobard started gesturing for Future Barry to not mention anything, “was supposed to last a lot longer.”

“I did not give him a tranq dart,” Caitlin defended herself, arms up as an act of innocence.

“Okay, no, yes, not you, the you from the time that I am from.” You were now just screaming on the inside because Future Barry just kept talking, revealing things he shouldn’t be and exactly what he did to knock his past self out. Eobard just gave up sending visual signs and mouth words to stop talking like any sensible person. You just gave Eobard an a ‘I don’t know what to do with this one anymore’ look, and you’re pretty sure he was have the same thoughts. You sighed inaudibly when Eobard just shook his head in defeat and shrugged his shoulders at you.

“The time that you are from?” Present Barry asked with a high level of disbelief, the words sounding foreign on his tongue.

“I think what he's trying to say is he's from the future,” Eobard finally stepped in (not literally, just figuratively), wheeling himself forward. His eyes hadn’t left Barry’s, maintaining a sort of placid look, but the emotion behind his eyes were far from stoic. Of course, now he was dealing with two ridiculous speedsters of his archnemesis. You saw Eobard run his thumb over the tips of his fingers on one hand while the other remained on the control panel of the wheelchair.

“The future?”

“Yeah.”

“The future?”

“Yes.”

“Wait, the future,” Present Barry was cut off the third time he asked.

“Yes,” replied for the third time in a flat tone, Eobard’s mind already launched into various ways to keep Present Barry from learning the truth of his identity and intentions. More importantly, all the ways the yellow speedster can keep you safe and out of the scarlet speedster’s grasp for any sort of leverage against himself.

“Are we saying I can time-travel?” Present Barry finally questioned his future self.

Future Barry chuckled lightly, nodding gently, “One day.”

“Oh, that explains the white on the symbol.” Cisco piped up once more, ideas whirling through his mind already. You saw your other best friend’s excitement rise at the possible time theories. “Well, wait a second. Suppose we now change your emblem. Will it be because we got the idea from this? Or, I mean, that would mean-”

“Stop talking.” Eobard shut Cisco up before rounding his heated gaze to Future Barry with a pointed finger. “You stop talking too, all right? More you say, the more the timeline is disrupted. Now I'm going to assume that your presence here is the reason that thing is attacking us. Hm?” Eobard tried a 3rd time to signal Barry to play along without giving any more information of the future to his past self and the others. The tone change should have been a clear indicator too.

“What? What thing?” Present Barry’s face contorted in confusion at Dr. Wells.

He legit looks like a lost puppy.

“Have you ever seen ‘The Frighteners’?” Cisco asked his present time buddy, who nodded at the reference. “It's sort of like that, but scarier and faster and it's after you-after him.” The mechanical genius corrected himself, pointed at the future version of his best friend.

“Yeah, it's been chasing me ever since I got here,” Future Barry confessed.

“Okay, so how do we stop it?” Present Barry looked to everyone for some kind of answer.

“We don't know.” You responded with Eobard, glancing at one another before running a hand through your hair tiredly. You wanted to just go home and lie down on a bed with a fluffy blanket with your boyfriend beside you, threading a hand through your hair while you give him teasing kisses just to hear that deep chuckle. Three Barry’s is too much in one day, if I’m going to be honest.

“Then what are we gonna do?” Present Barry raised an eyebrow in confusion.

“The one thing we can.” You and the others watched Eobard roll away, he had a plan or came up with some sort of reasonable plan. Both Barry’s glanced at each other once more, but this time a look of awe and a wave of thrill definitely rushed through both. Possibly infecting Cisco along with them. But they knew better, knew that this Time Wraith creature could hurt anyone and that the Team needed leveled heads to eradicate it.

***

“What-What are we doing here?” Future Barry questioned, entering the Time Vault with you and Eo. His green eyes couldn’t help but glance over the yellow suit with Dr. McGee’s Tachyon device attached to it. The staged night mulled through his mind rapidly thanks to his speedster abilities. How they were all tricked into essentially handing it over to the Reverse Flash. Either way it seemed that Thawne was going to get it. Charging it up for the next time Eobard would need it. Pressing your lips to a thin line, you immediately drew up the necessary schematics and scans for the city on your tablet.

“We're here for the answer to your speed equation...” Eobard held up an odd flash drive as he stepped over to the plinth, popping it in. The villainous speedster turned back to you and Barry. “The reason that you traveled back to this time, and the key to running faster. Tachyon enhancement.”

“The tachyons should give you just enough speed to time travel back to your time without getting caught by the Time Wraith.” You added in, not really knowing if this Barry has actually used Tachyons before or not. “If anything, you just need to time things right to get through the breach and have someone on the other side destroy the Time Wraith. Either way once you start using your speed it’ll find you.”

“I know what it does, I just don’t see why you’re needed here when you can be helping the others out there,” Barry scowled at you, to which you rolled your eyes with lips pressed into a thin line. You’re already done with this shit attitude since he’s been here, but the frostiness in his demeanor honestly did hurt in some part of your heart. The corner of Eobard’s mouth twitched with the amount of disrespect that he’s been showing you since this version of Barry Allen had traveled here.

“That’s it, if you keep talking to her like that then there’s going to be more hell to pay for it. You won’t be just dealing with the Time Wraith, Allen.”

“Is that a threat?”

“It’s a warning,” Eobard looked at Barry with dangerously feral eyes. “You have a problem; you deal with me. Don’t you dare think of involving her in this feud.”

Barry kept his mouth shut for a moment, “This was not the deal.” He gestured to the plinth.

Eobard retracted the flash drive from the white column plinth once everything had been correctly copied to it. “If you think that I'm gonna hold your hand this entire way, you're sadly mistaken. Everything you need is on this drive. You follow its instructions; you will enhance the Speed Force in your system and run faster...” He dropped it in Barry’s open palm, “than you ever thought possible.”

“If this doesn't work, I'm coming back.”

Yeah, please don’t. I’m content without dealing with another Barry-time incident.

Cisco’s voice erupted from the comms set up all over the labs. “Dr. Wells, we need you.”

Eobard gave Barry one last look, whether it was a warning or a threat, you couldn’t tell. “Time to go home, Flash,” he responded sardonically.

***

The futuristic speedster exhaled through his nostrils, rubbing his face harshly as we stepped up from his wheelchair. The labs were vacant at the moment. His mind reeled through all the events that happened today. Tropical waters blue eyes flickered to the windows, he noticed that the sun was still in the air from the amount filtering into the Cortex. Eobard shifted his focus to the computer monitor, a thought whirling in his mind ever since both versions of this present time’s Barry had showed up. Words, phrases, hints. Everything that both had said to him about his future. I can’t trust either. With furrowed eyebrow’s, the dark-haired Wells impersonator ran a finger over the knuckles of his opposite hand. Not with my life on the line and her heart caught in the crossfire of it all. Guilt welled up in his chest, causing his stomach to churn uncomfortably.

A few seconds passed, he pulled out his phone to check the time. That was the excuse he gave himself because Eobard Tiberius Thawne knew exactly what time it was, there were clocks almost on every monitor screen in the cortex. But really, he was checking his lock screen picture. It was a picture of you on the beach of Coast City, gazing out onto the shoreline with the sun setting behind you. The fluffy clouds were dusted with velvety pinks and fiery oranges while the sun dipped to meet the cool blue waters. A candid picture, if you will. The sight of you allowed his tensed muscles to relax slightly. Eobard remembered how his heart had forcibly stopped, urging him to take a picture. How you added even more beauty to nature’s elegant scenery. How the waves gently glided with each, only to cascade onto the beach. You had coaxed Eobard to finally get out of the labs for once, to just take a trip somewhere for the evening. He had some speed after all. Just some time for you and him, that Barry and the others can handle one evening without him for guidance. “They’re adults Eo, let them handle a meta situation by themselves.” His heart ached if he were to… pass, leaving you here to face the others… alone.

His thoughts flickered back to the current situation at hand. He didn’t- He didn’t want to go down that trail of somber thoughts. Eobard had finally managed to convince you to go home for the day, he saw the exhaustion on your tensed shoulders, and he worried. He had allowed Barry to speed you home, that way you’d have arrived safely. The speedster knew what you would exactly do once you got home. Change into that new set of pajamas she recently bought, make some food while singing at the top of her lungs. Probably scare off a few birds and squirrels in the process. It’s sushi night, tonight. That’ll be interesting to see her make. Reluctantly, Eobard had to push thoughts of tonight off to the back of his ind.

“Alright.” A long sigh left his lips as he plopped down on a chair, adjusting his dark-clear glasses and recording remote in hand. Eobard slipped off his glasses, pressing his lips together tightly while avoiding the gaze of the camera. He needed to record some kind of will in case… Finally, looking up, he saw the determination in his own eyes, the realization of how his words could also be a possibility of occurring. “Hello, Barry. If you're watching this, that means something has gone horribly wrong.” While Eobard gathered his thoughts, he paused as an image of you popped into his head, he looked away. He swallowed thickly, “I'm dead and the last 15 years have been for nothing. Bummer.” He quirked an eyebrow ironically as his eyes meet the camera once more.

***

You pouted slightly, staring down at the bottle of painkillers on the granite-top island before your eyes glanced to your boyfriend’s alcohol cabinet. The headache would just not go away! With socked feet, you stood in the chilly kitchen in a new oversized sweatshirt and cotton running shorts. Your hair was in a loose, messy bun with the hood up over your head because the bum look is the most comfortable look, if we’re being honest. Do I want to make good choices tonight? You swallowed a bit and tapped a finger to your chin with your eyes flickering between the two once more. Your left arm crossed over your chest with your right elbow resting in your left palm, clenching and unclenching your right hand. Eeny, meeny, miny, moe, you chanted in your head as a pointed finger went back and forth between the Ibuprofen and alcohol cabinet. Halfway through the nursery rhyme, you found your gaze lingering more and more to Eobard’s tempting stash. Bad choices it is. With that you push the pills further away on the island and stomp over to the cabinet.

Why the fuck is bourbon the only thing here? You tilted your head with a raised eyebrow at the two fancy glass bottles. I swear this is the only thing he drinks when he needs to let loose a bit. Fancy bastard. Puffing out a breath, you grabbed the weighty glass bottle and shut the cabinet. I should get him to try a margarita or something. Pouring yourself half a cup of the amber-ish liquid, adding in a few ice cubes as you had seen Eobard do. You sealed the alcohol and put it away. You took a small sip, mentally knowing whether it tasted good or bad, you’d finish it. The liquid burned the back of your throat, allowing you to cough a bit before really tasting the drink. You shrugged looking at the cup. Not bad… I can see why he’s addicted to it. Though I still prefer my fruity drinks to hard liquor.

You saw a torrent of red lighting flash past the front door and to the direction of your shared bedroom. Someone’s home early. Shutting your eyes for a moment, you leaned back against the opposing counter to the island close to the fridge.

After a few moments, your speedster boy toy (yes, you use that phrase to describe Eobard mentally, ignoring its actually meaning because well… he’s your man and… he vibrates. Like a toy. You’re welcome.) strides through his home and to the kitchen, a towel hanging around his shoulders as he uses one hand to dry his hair. Eobard shot you a concerned look after seeing the bourbon and painkillers out.

“Don’t worry, I decided to make bad decisions with only alcohol.” You stand with one leg crossed in front of the other, handing him the cup so he can take a sip. He wouldn’t ever refuse his bourbon. “What happened to conserving your speed?”

“Couldn’t miss out on sushi night, also I wanted to wash up from all the... You know. I had too many Barry’s around me and I needed to scrub that off.” He shrugged at you, sipping the whiskey drink. You giggled, shaking your head at his dramatics about ‘Barry germs’. Eobard smiled to himself at your giggle, the sound of it made his speedster heart do multiple flips. He threw the towel in an empty bin by the laundry room.

“Sushi is located on the bottom shelf of the fridge.”

Eobard set the cup down and slightly narrowed his eyes at you. “Oh, you’re evil.”

“Learned from the best,” you winked at him, taking back your cup and downing the alcohol. Payback’s a bitch for all the times you purposefully put my things on the highest top shelf.

Slipping out the plate of sushi, there were six rolls left because obviously you ate some while you waited for him to come home. To be fair, you would have devoured the rest if he decided to stay in late at the labs. He took a roll and ate it while you poured yourself another drink with a second cup for him as well. “Mm, these are actually good. Nicely done, kitten.” He teased when he fully indulged in its taste and texture with that boyish smirk of his. You couldn’t help but play along.

“Are you insinuating that I’m not a good cook?”

“You’re just questionable at times, depends on the recipe.” Eobard continued eating, savoring every delectable sushi roll.

“At least I didn’t burn the pasta last time.”

“That was one time and I had to deal with Cisco and Barry on the phone!”

“Excuses, excuses,” you replied with a satisfied hum, pushing his glass to him.

“What about the time you added sugar instead of salt to the Königsberger Klopse?”

“They look the exact same and they were beside each other! It was an accident and you know it.”

“Excuses, excuses,” he mocked you with a cheeky grin, picking you up and setting you to sit on top of the cool granite island top. He leaned down to plant a kiss to your lips, a hand trailing to up your thigh. You shivered at his touch.

“You know, I didn’t notice it until today, but Barry’s a bit taller than you.”

“Your point?”

“Think it’s kinda ironic though. You’re shorter than he is, and you don’t have all your speed right now.”

“…”

“Is that also another reason why you hate him?”

“He’s like an inch taller than me, hardly anything to compete with him about. And my speed exceeds his own, especially in the past and with experience.” Eobard growled lowly, “Less thinking about him, more focus on kissing me.”

A cheery noise left your lips when he leaned once more for another kiss. This time hungrier with a hint of possessiveness. You knew how to push his buttons. Wrapping your arms around him, you pulled the speedster closer to you which allowed him to slot between your open legs. He smirked against your lips, feeling himself press against you. You played with the little hairs at the back of his neck as he began to nip at your lips. A little gasp left you which allowed his tongue to enter, exploring your mouth as you made a little satisfactory noise. His lips devoured your own. Your body moved on its own, pressing closer to him, his hands roughly wrapped your legs around his waist. The air felt hot and sticky, his speedster body warming up significantly at your every touch. Your hood fell off your head from the passionate kiss, loose strands of hair falling out from your messy bun. It felt exhilarating! Pulling away with one slow and sensual kiss, Eobard rested his forehead against yours as a heavy breath left him. His half-lidded eyes glossed over yourself- cheeks tinted red, breathing raggedly from the intensity of the kiss, and lips wonderfully swollen.

You both shared a small breath, feeling the world spin and spin, but the moment was just intoxicating. Neither of you wanted the moment to end. Letting out a yawn, you covered your mouth and Eo just chuckled lowly. Your hands now rested against his chest, feeling the pounding of his pulse underneath your palm. Eobard licked his lips at you, kissing your neck and nibbling lightly on your collarbone. You sucked in a breath, one hand running through his dark locks. His ears perked at the sound of his name leaving your pouty lips. Kneeling down for a moment, Eobard kissed the inside of your thigh before glancing up at you. You had your bottom lip between your teeth, gently gnawing at it as you observed him. The speedster only winked at you, wiggling his eyebrows suggestively before giving you a few more kisses and nibbles. He stood up once more to tower over you, kissing your temple as another yawn fell from you.

You’re too cute, my precious queen.

Eobard sped you to the bedroom with fiery red eyes and a coy smirk on his face, plopping you on the plush king-sized bed. A bed you had to continually badgered him to get with the promise that ‘rolling around in it’ would be much more fun than just with a queen-sized bed. He had already propped you up against the large pillows and under the comfort of the blankets. Eobard took the spot beside you, carding a hand through his now wild tresses. The speedster noticed your pained expression when you reached for your forehead, his insides churned at the sight. He reached out a cool hand to gently massage your temples. A little hum of relief escaped your lips, shutting your eyes at his cold fingers. The scientist assumed your alcohol consumption tonight was to lessen any pain from your head.

“That feels nice,” You mused to your boyfriend, curling up beside him. He curled his arms around you, your head resting on his sturdy chest. “The Barry that traveled with his daughter, I saw a few things when they talked.”

“I figured, have… you seen anything else?”

You shook your head ‘no’. “Only Savitar and Cicada, just the general foresight of their appearance,” you fiddled with the necklace he had given you, looking away. Eobard’s eyes caught the shift in your mood.

“What’s wrong, kitten?”

“Hm, nothing.”

“You only ever play with your necklace when something’s bothering you.” Eobard ran his teeth of his lower lip before taking one of your hands in his. “I swore to you that I would tell you whatever’s on my mind, especially when prompted by you. We both promised to be honest with each other, especially when it’s about our feelings.” His thumb rubbed soothing circles on your skin. The dark-haired man’s other hand hooked a finger under your chin, tilting your head to look at his softened gaze. He waited patiently for you.

You pulled away from him, “I just-I don’t know which Barry to trust. You… what if your plan to go home still fails? Even after they’d assured you’d go home when you help them? Both versions!” Your headache started to form once more, but not from your psychic powers. There was something else you weren’t entirely sure of either…

“…” Eobard exhaled through his nose soundlessly. He hadn’t wanted you to pick up on those clues… It broke him that you did. “I can only do what I can to go back. Failure isn’t an option. Not anymore, especially with how far I’ve gone.” The murdering, lying, stealing, scheming, and masquerading. All of it. “Do you trust me?”

“Always.”

“Then trust my plan… I’m doing everything I can with the least amount of collateral damage being caused in this time period.” You just nodded at his words, but that didn’t alleviate the certain weight you now secretly carried in your heart. Sighing to yourself, you decided to push it aside for the night.

“I hate how you can read me like an open book.”

“I hate that that beautiful mind of yours doubts yourself.” Eobard ran a hand over his face. I like that I can read you because then I can understand you. Especially if it’s when I can be doing better when it comes to us. I’m harder to read because… I’ve never really had someone quite like you in my life. Someone I can trust with no doubt in mind that you’re using me or going to backstab me. I’ll do better, I promise. For you, I’ll be good.

Pressing your lips into a thin line, you shift away from him on the bed to sit up with a serious look in your eyes. “I-I need you to be honest with me.”

“Always.”

“No lies. No shading the truth. None of that.”

The dark-haired speedster nods, returning your seriousness by adjusting himself. He wouldn’t dream of lying to you, ever. When he came clean to you and swore to you, Eobard intended to keep his word. You were the one thing that… that he wouldn’t mind spending the rest of his life with. Someone as precious as you that had grown so close to his crooked heart. His love that he could confide in all his fears and doubts and thoughts. You’re his special person.

“Eobard,” you started, “What do you think of me? Like, when you look at me?”

He remained quiet for a moment, looking past you before refocusing his eyes onto your locked gaze. A smile twitched at the corners of his lips. “I think of a cheeky and persistent person that can be a real pain in my ass sometimes.” You raised an eyebrow at him and crossed your arms as he continued. “But a spectacle, nonetheless, put together with strong willpower and fierce determination to achieve whatever she puts her mind to. I think of that kind heart of yours and… how it accepted a flawed and corrupt man as myself. I see a queen that keeps me grounded, a person that encourages me to grow and achieve my goals. I think of home.” You had unfurled your arms, your gaze softening as your heart ached at his words. “A home that I can return to at the end of the day with no shame. I can just be a man with none of my baggage or sins. I-I can love you with no guilt or shame or doubt. All your imperfections and quirks, they’re mine to cherish.” The scientist had traced the side of your face as his piercing gaze held you down, hypnotizing you.

“Eo,” you trailed off as he took a hold of your hand, softly kissing each knuckle. Leaning forward, you place a chaste kiss on his forehead before reaching for his lips. The kiss was soft, heartwarming, pure. All the things that the Reverse Flash was not because of his atrocious deeds in this time period and hunger for revenge against Barry Allen in whatever way possible, yet… Another thought flickered through your mind as your lips parted his. “Is Gideon able to tell you what happens to your future?”

Eobard simply shook his head, tucking a stray strand of hair behind your ear. “It only reveals the article about Barry, my supposed final battle with The Flash before he disappears.” After a Crisis, but which one would come first?

“But then what happens to you?”

“I don’t know.”

You sucked a breath in before opening your mouth once more, “I don’t want to be without you.” Is that selfish?

Eobard’s eyes widened a fraction, his stomach fluttering.He licked his lips slowly, eyeing your desperate gaze. “If I wasn’t a selfish man, I would have stayed away. But I am selfish and just the way you look, even then, it fuels my desire to be by your side. At every moment. Until death do us part.”

Your breath hitched; you should have been scared- terrified- repulsed- by his words. Red flags that would have gone off in any person’s mind, but- “I’m selfish too,” you whispered the words that came from the heart. Eobard watched you with electric blue eyes, a feral flash of red flickered behind his irises. You trailed a hand over his chest and over his heart. “Your mind, your heart,” You glanced at him under your eyelashes, “are mine. I don’t want them to belong to anyone else.”

“I’m not a good man. I can’t be what you want me to be.” I will never be good for you.

“…” You pressed your lips into a thin line. “You’re not good man, Eobard, but you’re more than enough for me.”

“You should have run the first time you found out.”

“I should have, but I don’t regret choosing you… I don’t want anyone else but you, Eo.”

“I am yours, and you are mine.” The speedster was truly smitten by you, gingerly he cupped your face with a firm hand as his azure eyes met yours. “I would do everything in my power to come back home to you.” He craned his head down to reconnect your lips together. There were no limits to how far Eobard Tiberias Thawne would go for him to remain by your side.

Even if it meant killing another person.

***

Barry and Nora ran through the speed-force, memories and events weaving past them as the sped through to return to their present time. “Back in Time,” by Huey Lewis still played in the background right as the touched the concrete ground of the Cortex.

“Did you even go?” Ralph asked with a terrified-ish look on his face.

Caitlin and Cisco just chuckled at their friend. Cisco shut of the music, “Told you time travel was weird.”

You had stopped in the corridor, overhearing the team in the hallway. Frozen in place as things started to set in your mind. A headache washed over you, but you had gotten used to them by now. You had to after Flashpoint. But you knew things had gone south, and by south, they had to take a detour. You were digesting the immediate revelations, all of it integrating together as things in the past now made sense. Both versions of Barry Allen knew the outcome. Yet Nora and her father revealed more than they should have to Eobard. After all, your psychic abilities allowed you to see what happens if the timeline that you’re involved in. Especially when it had to do with one handsomely intelligent and driven speedster by the name of Eobard Tiberias Thawne.

But did things really change? I’m still here. And Eobard…

You ran a hand over your face, pinching the bridge of your nose. Your feet carried you to the Time Vault while the others prepared for tonight. Pressing a hand to the wall, you unlocked the futuristic door into the neutral-colored room. A chill ran down your spine as you approached the plinth. Waving a hand over the circular center, you activated Gideon. The AI appeared in all its holographic form.

“Yes, Ms. (Y/N)?”

“Gideon,” your fingers ran over the chain of your necklace, “I need your help with something.”

“I am at your service.”

“I need you to…” you ran your tongue over your lips. Heart pounding in your chest as you chose your next words carefully. “I need you to tell me where Eobard is?”

“I’m sorry Ms. (Y/N), but I am unable to process your request right now.”

“Why?” Your voice rose, red was now seeping into your vision.

“It is not within my programming capabilities.”

“Is Eobard alive?”

“I’m sorry, but that is also out of my-”

“Then what good are you for?” You yelled in pure frustration, a fist slamming harshly onto the white column. A tear had left your eyes. Your body trembled as your voice shook when you spoke up again, “Gideon please, anything. Any news about Eobard is all I need. Any sign that he is alive. I can’t-”

Until death do us part.

“…” The AI was silent for a moment while you collected yourself miserably. “There is a hidden message for you that Dr. Wells wished for you to receive. Would you like to read the message?”

“A-a message, what-” You ran both hand through your locks, glassy eyes searching the placid look on the AI. The stone of doubt was slowly eroding away from your heart. “I-I, yes! Please!” The AI pulled up a screen, three simple words were configured in medium-sized black lettering. Your heart stopped for a moment as your hands tingled. Blinking a few times, you reread the words over and over and over- as it stared back at you.

Wait for me.

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hopefulstarfire · 3 years

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Watta Plays: Dragon Quest Starter Sentences

So. One of my best friends has his own YouTube channel. And to show my support and to get his channel out there because if anyone deserves a spotlight, it's him, I figured why not bring in some highlights as sentence starters for people? Useable for writing prompts and rp purposes! Please feel free to reblog, change pronouns as needed and please go check out my buddy Watta Plays!

This may/will contain spoilers from Dragon Quest XI S. This post also covers quotes from episodes 1-12 of the playthrough.

"Oh, that's not odd."

"Oh, okay! Okay! Just a couple of Headless Horsemen! Nothing to be afraid of, nothing to worry about, just....oh boy."

"Hey, isn't that the guy from Smash Bros?"

"You're not nearly as important as that doggo, I am so sorry."

"That doggo requires my attention."

"I'm gonna love it here. I'm home."

"You made me talk to you for irrelevant information. You're first on The List."

"Aw, come on! They're not monsters! They're just...little blobs of joy and happiness!"

"Ah, medicinal -- medicinal herbs -- right, yeah. Yes, yes, medicinal. Strictly medicinal purposes, those herbs. Yes. Understood. Understandable. Have a nice day."

"You're uh...you're not the strongest fighter...are you."

"Is this town just a cult?"

"This music tells me Boss Fight."

"Oh this is some Sly Cooper shit right here."

"This music is giving me some anxiety."

"No, no, no we're going to worry about that now! What the hell was that? No, no, we're not going to wait until later. You tell me what that is, you tell me what that is right now!"

"(Name)? (Name)! You can't leave me like that!"

"There was no Christopher Columbus. He was a lie. A big fat phony."

"Excuse the what now?"

"I know I've been making a lot of Zelda references, but..."

"This isn't gonna be like Kingdom Hearts, where I take a ride to the island and I never see or hear from you again, right?"

"This is triggering a lot of my danger alarms."

"You know my memory is as foggy as those wind spirits up there."

"Let me get this straight. You tell me not to spend it all in one place, and direct me to the exact place in which I can spend it all in one place?"

"So I have to confess my sins to save the game."

"Can we go back to the part where you found me in a river??"

"Aw, sweetie. I've already forgotten you."

"I certainly hope I don't end up regretting that."

"What's so great about the pendant?"

"They've got four chandeliers and a balcony. If that's not fancy, I don't know what is."

"Oh, I already don't like you, friend."

"Why do I have a feeling he's going to slaughter everyone there?"

"Making a racket WILL help me!"

"You're gonna free me, right? You're not gonna kill me, yeah??"

"How long were you in there to dig that big of a hole?"

"Guess I should have accepted those quests before I became public enemy number one."

"Where the hell is that organ music coming from?"

"The rule of three doesn't matter here, don't give me a rule of three!"

"I don't wanna be Kentucky Fried Hero!"

"I would rather not be impaled today, thank you."

"I can't go back to the slammer! I did my time! ...Except that I didn't do my time."

"I think your brain map is kind of out of date."

"Can you just carry me? I need you to carry me."

"Damn, those archers scare the shit out of me."

"Famous last words; I'm gonna be fine."

"I thought it was gonna be a little secret chest alcove, I didn't think he was gonna be there!"

"You said you got jailed a year ago, do you think it's still there?"

"I bet you there's some regret in there."

"So guard boy likes money...oh, and hot singles in your area."

"I still don't trust him. Never trust a merchant. Then again, never trust big money."

"Why are appearing everywhere I go?? And in the most random places?"

"His eyes follow me. Oh, I don't like that. I don't like that at all. I'm getting out of here, I'm not dealing with that."

"Welp, I guess we're heading out at night. That's a spooky thought."

"Now I'm really gonna wish I had that sword."

"It's fine! Kid's not dead! All is good!"

"It's the hot single in our area!"

"Alright, you and me, (name), against the world! Or, rather...against...the government?"

"Oh God, what the hell are you!?"

"I hope that's not gonna come back to bite me in the ass."

"Screw it! Screw it! We'll just fight everything not super dangerous along the way!"

"I don't wanna risk him living to see another day."

"Discount goods??? Discount goods!!!"

"Oh, get a little pep in your step, buddy!"

"The pep is real!!"

"Don't antagonize them! You, like -- you almost died!!"

"What are these little goblinoid things??"

"It's hideous! But...yet...I'm intrigued."

"That's definitely not a good thing, but goddamn if it isn't funny."

"Everything went perfectly, according to plan! Everything!"

"Poor lumberjack doggo."

"Oh, WE'RE the cheeky devils??"

"OKAY, so he's got multi target attacks and he uses fire! Good to know, good to know."

"He'll die by my hand!! MY HAND!!"

"Is that a cow?? What's a cow doing here???"

"TALKING COW! TALKING COW! WHAT THE HELL!? TALKING COW!?"

"Also money. Don't forget money. I would like some money."

"Yeah, I know, my hair is marvelous and magnificent."

"I mean, I'm fine with it if you wanna stay here and praise me for the ends of all eternity. I'm perfectly fine with that."

"O, great angel of the church, I murdered a man today."

"I murdered a demon in cold blood. That's probably a good thing. That's probably what God would want me to do but, you know."

"I'm about to make pulled pork outta these guys."

"Everything's fine. Nobody's dead today."

"Holy shit, did I travel back in time!?"

"I was joking when I said I'd forget about you guys!"

"I don't think I need to confess my sins this time."

"Yeah, I joked about it a lot, so maybe that why it hurts, but..."

"Third rule of RPGs: always check behind the waterfalls."

"You'd think that living this close to a river, or to a lake or something, they would have taught you how to swim."

"Sorry (name), we're gonna leave you in my dust."

"I don't wanna have to look up a guide for something this stupid."

"Holy shit, I'M the heir to the throne!?"

"But, (name), grudges are the best things to bear! It's so fun to bear a grudge!"

"I need revenge, man."

"When you say rightfully yours...you mean that you rightfully stole it."

"Let's teach those assholes a lesson!"

"What a perfect time to raid a government facility for an item that was once stolen, that we're now stealing again."

"You're gonna carry me through this dungeon, right?"

"Oh, it's just a corpse."

"Oh, you're not tricky devils. You're just little devils."

"I don't know what that is, but I gotta fight it."

"How deep does this thing go?? It's like a fucking pyramid in here."

"Hell yeah! We're not dying today, boyos!!"

"He's actually rabid, oh no."

"Kinda unfortunate, but, I mean, I'll take it."

"That wad quite a teleport, young man."

"I have stolen his secret stash!!"

"I don't know if my heart can handle another chase scene!"

"Why are they hiding a dragon under the capital? Like, seriously?"

"Hello, snail!"

"This party is an equal opportunity provider."

"Come down here so I can smack ya ass."

"You're not Minotaur Man! You're an imposter!"

"This is a bar. I don't think this is where I'm supposed to be."

"That's why they sound so weird! They're speaking in haiku!"

"This dude has seen some shit."

"I'm ready for my indoctrination, Mr. Cult Leader."

#sentence starters #writing prompts #rp ask meme #rp prompts #rp sentence starters #watta plays #starfire prompts #dragon quest #dragon quest spoilers

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princeboots · 2 months

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just finished laundry and am humping stuffie as a treat!! need a dada to make me do dishes before I can cum!!

#I’m so wet #trans dd/lb #ftm dd/lb #dd/lb kink #dd/lb #ftm nsft #ftm ns/fw #ftm bottom #ftm sub #need a step bro to teach me how to use my holes #1cky thoughts #1cky daddy #1cky br0ther #send asks #send 1cky asks

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so-i-did-this-thing · 4 years

Note

Bro how are you so good at making shit. You can just want to make something and suddenly you can and you have it now. That's so badass. I want to learn how. What the fuck dude. I love your content

Thank you! Seeing repeat likes on my stuff is instant serotonin for me. :)

So, on Making Stuff. Being older helps, in that I have built up some experience and resources. But if you’re serious about wanting to learn how to do Stuff, it’s all about being good at How to Teach Yourself.

Advice under the cut.

I could talk about this a long time, but here’s the salient points.

How to Teach Yourself to Make Cool Stuff

1) Cultivate your tastes. Just collect a bunch of shit you enjoy. Pinterest and tumblr are great for this because you can organize stuff by tags and add your own commentary.

2) Describe why you like the things you like. Get as specific as you can. Don’t just say, “I like the color palette”. What about the colors do you like? What kind of tones are they? Do they contrast? Are they unusual for the subject matter, materials, or style?

Challenge yourself to write 10 specific things you like about every thing you favorite/re-pin. Also include some things you don’t care for or would like to see done different.

Be specific -- you’re trying to figure out how your brain works, and learning how to describe your tastes will help you research how to make similar stuff. This is hard, but you gotta do it!

3) Learn what materials, tools, and techniques are and what they’re called.

You’re learning names of stuff not to ace any pop quiz, but rather, to build your vocabulary so you can ask better questions and do better research.

How do you learn this stuff? Asking people is helpful, yes, but what if you don’t even know who to ask yet? Search for content using the words you know now -- you’ll expand your vocab as you go. Stuff like “leather bag diy” or “how to draw with a digital tablet”. Don’t be afraid to use super basic search terms. If you don’t know what a grommet is, a search for “hardware for holes in leather” will lead you to the term pretty quickly. Just keep slamming search queries against the wall until you start getting consistent results.

Then:

Watch videos of people making things you like.

Read forum and other social media posts.

Read tutorials on sites like Instructables, even if they are beyond your skill level.

You’ll notice I haven’t suggested buying books and tools yet. This is because you are still figuring out what will even be useful for you. Just be a sponge.

4) Seek out the pros and learn from them. As you’ve been doing your research and collecting inspiration, you’ve probably noticed certain names coming up over and over. See what sort of training they offer. Classes are ideal, but training can also take the form of videos and books.

For example, Tandy Leather offers in-person beginner’s classes at their stores for pretty cheap (about the cost of the tools you get to keep). Black Raven Academy does a pre-recorded leatherworking video series, with access to the instructor throughout the course. If you’re into EVA foam, Evil Ted doesn’t do classes, but has very comprehensive (and free) videos. Some Makers have books. Etc.

You want to look for professionals who use projects as a means to teach you techniques you can apply to your own work. It’s the whole “learning a recipe” vs “learning how to cook” philosophy.

Also, don’t limit yourself to people who make exactly what you want to make -- I love Kamui Cosplay’s content because she shows off some very useful techniques. Ironically, I probably wouldn’t cosplay as a single thing she does, because I have different interests. I still admire and learn from her work, though.

Don’t go hog wild buying books and supplies -- pick a professional or two and absorb their content until you feel almost confident to try making something.

5) Make a Thing! I said “almost confident” in step #4, because perfection is the enemy of Good. Just jump in. You’ll probably suck, that’s ok. Try to complete the Thing. Small or Big, you know yourself better than I do on what motivates you best.

6) Review your Thing. You know how in step #2 you learned how to be specific with what you liked and didn’t like? Be specific with BOTH about your own work. Know how in step #3 you broadened your vocabulary? Now use that to research how to make your Thing better. I’ll bet you tons of folks had similar learning experiences and got good advice.

7) Practice often, but practice thoughtfully! Practice isn’t just repetition. Building motor memory is important, but it’s meaningless if you don’t practice thoughtfully. The purpose of practice is to figure out root causes of your problems and the best ways to correct errors and reinforce what you do well. I play the oboe professionally. When I practice difficult passages, I don’t just start slow and speed up, one metronome click at a time. That’s how you get frustrated and train your fingers to screw up every damned time. So, I’ll play starting in the middle of a run. I’ll play in a different key. I’ll play with the entirely wrong rhythms. I’ll memorize it. I’ll play when I’m dog tired and standing on one foot. I’ll do a bunch of things to figure out exactly why something is hard -- it’s seldom as simple as “it’s too fast”. (Usually it’s because I’m uncomfortable with a fingering, my hand position is bad, I’m being lazy and don’t even know what all the notes even are, I’m not using enough wind, my oboe is out of adjustment, etc.)

15 min of thoughtful practice is so much more valuable than hours of rote exercises.

Practice can be fruitful, too! When I do projects like design matchbooks, stickers, and stamps? That’s a form of practice for me -- you can practice skills by making things. And sometimes the most important skill to practice is finishing things.

Be honest with yourself and always remember to not focus solely on the negative -- always look for stuff you like about your creations.

8) Experiment! Need to substitute materials? Have a cool idea? Experiment, review, and iterate.

9) Rinse and repeat. Making stuff is all about continual learning, and that always starts at the beginning. Go back to Step #1. And even learn about Crafts you don’t plan to participate in, because inspiration is everywhere. :)

#goatpants-satyr #serious talk #teaching #I taught oboe for 20 years but always told my kids I was really just teaching them how to teach themselves #that is the best thing any teacher can teach you #the real purpose of school imo #we don't pop out of the womb knowing how to practice #that is a skill you gotta learn #so don't feel bad because you will also suck at practice at first #long post #text #when I joke about not knowing what I am doing there is truth there #almost every project is a learning experience #I purposefully make things I don't know how to do (yet)

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the-reaper-of-maidens · 3 years

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Shadow Walk

Coming in FAST with that quality Lady Di x OC ONCE AGAIN~ The Reaper’s dark magic abilities are slowly starting to take shape, and it’s up to Alcina to teach her the ropes. I hope I explained how this ability works well enough... And yes, more soft Alcina ksksksk TW: abuse mention

Some headcanons: the daughters have different abilities, but that might change when the game comes out and we find out more. c: I’m also gonna assume dark magic is a thing in this game, since Daniela can do spooky dark magic stuff in the demo.

Viorica is the oldest daughter, and Aurelia is the youngest. Pointless, since they’re only mentioned in this story, but... still!

“Now, with any new ability, you have to practice it and hone it, my dear Reaper,” Alcina swirled a wine glass, finishing off the last of it. “Once you get this down, shadow walking is a powerful skill.”

“Makes sense, I wasn’t an all star tennis player after one day,” the Reaper finished off her own drink, a HarSha black tea with honey and blood. She rolled her shoulders back and tossed her leather jacket to the side to make things easier.

“How did it feel, the first time you walked into the shadows?” the castle’s mistress asked as she set her wine glass down, trying to pinpoint the issues to help her hound dog improve.

“Crushing, like I turned flat as paper and it was hard to breathe, so I panicked and clawed my way out,” the Reaper explained, shuddering at the memory.

“Not surprised, the first time in the shadow realm is always… terrifying. It’s exactly why I cleared out my entire day: to teach you how to better utilize shadow walking. The very first step is to relax. Loosen up. Take a breath before you step into the shadows and breathe in and out… in and out slowly and evenly,” Alcina advised. “The second step is do not be afraid. Don’t let the dark and fear get to you, my pet, because that’s a fast ticket to stay stuck in the shadow realm.”

“So… just relax and don’t get scared. Sounds easy enough.”

“But do not underestimate its difficulty. It’s far easier said than done, O Reaper Mine,” the lady of the castle strongly warned. “It’s far more dangerous shadow walking unprepared than it is to astral project prepared.”

“Typical dark magic stuff, everything has a risk when it comes to that,” and with that, the Reaper took a few breaths to psych herself up, slowly stepping into a nice little corner rife with darkness by the throne. She normally hid away in this spot, anyways, in case Alcina wanted her at the ready to dispose of someone who was being a bother.

“Just focus on entering and exiting for now, Reaper. Don’t let the branching paths within the shadow realm distract you,” the mutant vampiress nodded, watching her little hunter ease into things. “Hmm,” she poured herself another glass of wine as she watched. For now, she didn’t feel the need to take a stroll in the shadow realm with her, as the Reaper needed to get used to being alone in the shadow realm first.

“Okay, don’t get distracted…” the Reaper repeated to herself as she went in. The shadow realm was, as Alcina said, terrifying the first time. The shadow realm was full of a person’s darkest fears and most painful memories, which was why the gargantuan woman stressed the importance of keeping calm. “...Don’t…” she swallowed nervously as she saw the eerie specters of her birth family in the voidscape, all eyes on her as if casting judgment on her, “get distracted…” She remembered her mistress’s words and decided to dip out before the shadows would try to drag her in. She stepped back out into the mortal world, slashing her way out as she panted heavily, shaking off the dark tendrils that still clung onto her arms.

“Breathe, Reaper,” the vampiress reminded her hound dog, watching her take a breather as she sat down against a wall. Alcina stood up to give the Reaper some encouraging words. “Don’t be surprised if you fail many times. I have experienced it many times myself when I was learning,” she knelt down to her hunter’s level.

“...You? Failure?” the Reaper was surprised, to say the least. To her, Alcina Dimitrescu, the lady of the castle, was the epitome of grace and perfection. How could she have possibly failed at anything?

“Mother Miranda taught me all I needed to know when my own abilities started manifesting. If it makes you feel any better… I saw slayers in the void, doing unspeakable acts on the servants of the castle. My fears actually became even worse when my daughters went under my protection,” Alcina admitted. “It’s horrific, is it not, to see your constant fears being personified in the shadows? That paralyzing grip… you can’t let your fears win, Reaper. If you do, they’ll drag you away, never to be seen again. It’s a fate worse than death, my dear.”

“Wow… I didn’t think you feared anything,” the Reaper admitted. “...Makes my own feel stupid. I saw my birth family, judging me. I was scared because I saw Pop again… I was scared he’d try to hit me. I was scared Ma would try to manipulate me to go back home. And my little bro? Tch. Less said, the better.”

“Shhh, your pain isn’t lesser than mine just because you think it is. Slayers are a rare occurrence. You went through torture every day. Those are not the same, Reaper. Even my own childhood pains can’t be compared to yours.”

The Reaper reached out for Alcina’s hand and gently squeezed it, nodding a bit. “I know… it’s just hard for me to realize that. Just… gimme a minute and I’ll be ready to face my trauma and fears again, Lady Alcina.” She liked it when Alcina was soft, it was a rather rare side of the mistress only she, besides the sisters, got to see.

“Of course. It’s never easy the first few times. I don’t expect you to suddenly get over years of abuse the second time you enter the shadow realm,” the lady of the castle was understanding, or more lenient than she would usually be, at least.

The Reaper took a few breaths, trying to compose herself in a few minutes. “I’m kinda curious… do your daughters have similar abilities?”

“Not quite. Past their strength and speed, it seems like they have different powers. Aurelia, for example, doesn’t swarm into moths like Daniela can. She can shapeshift, though. Viorica is excellent at using magic compared to the other two, so she much prefers hands-off fighting,” Alcina explained.

Soon enough, the Reaper was ready for another round. “I got this. Those specters won’t get to me…” she relaxed as she went into the shadows again. Naturally, she was still a bit tense seeing those laughing phantoms, but she stood tall (well, as tall as could be for 4’9”). She turned tail only once the one depicting her father stepped forward, fist raised. “Sorry… it’s Pop. He’s the big hangup, it seems,” the Reaper sighed.

“You did say he gave you some of your scars… I’m not surprised. We’ll take it one day at a time, Reaper,” Alcina nodded. “Once you get past your little hurdle and get used to being alone in there, I will join you in the shadow realm to show you how to navigate. It can be… difficult, due to how fluid shadows can be.”

“I think I get what you mean, it all depends on the angle of light, and that can drastically change the shadow it casts.”

“...Exactly, my dear. It’s another reason traversing the shadow realm is more dangerous than the astral plane. Unless you have furniture that you never move, your starting point might not even be there when you get back, so you can’t rely on that. Just be ready to end up in a different spot in the castle when we do that,” Alcina gave her hunter a heads up.

For now, though, the Reaper needn’t worry. She just focused on getting used to the horrors of the voidscape, bit by bit every day. “Okay, I think I’m mostly okay now, Lady Alcina. Realizing that they’re only phantoms helped me out a lot… they can’t hurt me,” she confided after months of simple practice, just shifting between mortal plane and shadow realm.

“Good,” Alcina nodded in approval. “That will be your armor, my Reaper.”

“We just need a big enough shadow for you to walk into, but luckily… we got one right here, if you don’t mind bending down a bit,” the Reaper smacked the wall nearest to her. It was evening, so the sun cast some decent shadows on some of the objects. The petite hunter learned during her training that she needed a shadow big enough to enter (if she couldn’t get into it crawling, it was too small, she found), that she couldn’t go into shadows with many holes, and that she obviously couldn’t go into her own shadow.

“I wonder where we’ll end up tonight,” Alcina giggled charmingly as she took off her hat and set it down somewhere, which sent shivers down the Reaper’s spine.

Oooh, maybe it’ll be our room, the Reaper was flushed behind her bandana as she followed the countess into the shadow realm. Of course, with Alcina by her side, she wasn’t scared of these shadowy wisps tormenting her for who she loved, and with her at Alcina’s… the countess was reassured that slayers wouldn’t dare enter Castle Dimitrescu.

“Eyes up, my pet, the branching paths have subtle cues to clue you in where they lead you to. Blink and you’ll miss it,” Alcina patted her hunter’s head. She squinted, noting a vague blob resembling a table. “I believe… this one leads to the dining hall,” she led the Reaper through the twists and turns, and out they came, stepping out from next to a cabinet. “It can be dreadfully difficult to ascertain where the path will lead,” the mutant sighed. “I’m glad we didn’t pop up from underneath the table this time.”

“...It’s happened before?”

“...I don’t want to talk about it,” Alcina pursed her lips in embarrassment at that memory. Hell, even to this day, it still happened on occasion. “Now, let’s keep going in your training, my darling hunter. Just follow my lead, and you might get rewarded nicely~”

#lady dimitrescu #lady dimitrescu x oc #abuse ment //

11 notes · View notes

kim-seungmine · 4 years

Text

dream the night away

title: dream the night away

characters: (fem) reader x hwang hyunjin of stray kids

genre: slice-of-life, romance, angst, best friends to lovers au, idol au, idol!hyunjin, hyunjin centric, inspired by 3racha’s cloud 9 but not really?

warnings: minor character death, sometimes heavy, slow burn (aka i wanted it to be but i wasn’t patient enough), i tried to proofread, i gave up trying to format text convo on tumblr, i think they kiss a lot.

word count: 11.6k i’m so sorry

synopsis: one night, hyunjin wonders how he long can stay floating on cloud 9 before he loses his balance and falls all the way down to the pits of hell. After that, nothing feels right.

disclaimer: this is idol!hyunjin so i just wanna say that this is not how hyunjin is in real life and im not trying to convince you that he feels the things in the story. some parts are inspired by the things they’ve said but everything that happens here is pure fiction... which actually goes without saying since this is a fanfic, but i just feel the need to say it. for my personal long ass author’s note, you can read it below.

Hyunjin is met with darkness when he steps into the dorm. It used to be more packed, it used to be messier, and it used to be really loud. Now he only shares the dorm with the 00z who are surprisingly quiet if you think about it. Seungmin sleeps early, Felix has his headphones stuck to his ears and plays games until the sun rises, and Jisung is snugged somewhere watching movies. On busier days, Seungmin and Felix are at the company for lessons and Jisung spends the night at the studio with Chan and Changbin. Hyunjin, meanwhile, usually has some photoshoots.

However, tonight feels unnaturally quiet, especially since Hyunjin has just won his first Bonsang as a solo artist. He switches the lights on, and his friends are soundlessly huddled together by the fridge, Jisung holding a small cake.

“Surprise!” Seungmin exclaims rather flatly as Hyunjin drops to the floor out of shock, shouting profanities. Felix proceeds to grab some candles from the kitchen counter and lights them up. “Come on, blow the candles."

Hyunjin lets out an amused sigh, rising to his feet before blowing all the candles out. “Please tell me these aren’t those candles that stay lit n—what the hell.”

He continues blowing, his friends giggling while Seungmin groans. “Why did you have to curse? I was about to post that on Instagram Story!”

“Why are we doing this anyways? We’re not 18 anymore,” Hyunjin protests half-heartedly. He can’t really remember the last time they gave each other a proper surprise. It feels like ages ago. Jisung scoffs, searching for a knife inside one of the kitchen drawers. Slicing the cake, he retorts, “Your dramatic ass loves surprises, stop denying it.”

“Anyone has anything to do tonight? The hyungs want to come over,” Felix informs while typing on his phone. Hyunjin’s vibrates after a few seconds; everyone on the Stray Kids group chat must be congratulating him.

Seungmin opens the chat, frowning. “Where’s Jeongin?”

“He hasn’t been replying since hours ago. That brat probably fell asleep. Just ask his bro if he’s home,” Hyunjin suggests, about to reply to Chan’s message when another message pops up.

y/n: sorry i couldnt watch the show

y/n: but i saw the news! congratulations!!

y/n: so proud of you, as always!

Hyunjin’s eyes light up at your messages. It’s been months since he saw you; he’s been busy with his solo debut and you’ve been busy with school. When both of you were children, you often pictured how life would be. Hyunjin would be a famous soccer player for Manchester United and the captain of South Korea national team. You would be studying to become a doctor.

He finds it funny that you’re doing the exact same thing while he’s doing something he never even imagined before. Hyunjin is always amazed at how well you planned your whole life and executed every single plan, albeit not always instantly.

After all these years, though, he dares to say that both of you turned out okay. Amazing, even.

“Order whatever you want. I’m eating outside but I’ll be back soon,” Hyunjin tells his friends, bombarding you with messages before you turn your phone off, the thing you always do when you’re about to cram.

Seungmin arches an eyebrow. “Y/N?”

“Yeah. I asked whether she wants to eat gopchang with me.”

“You should really be careful.”

“Everyone knows we’re best friends. No one will make a weird rumor or anything.”

Jisung clicks his tongue. “Well, do you?”

Whenever someone talks about you, it always leads to this very conversation. Hyunjin decides to let Jisung’s question (sarcasm) hang in the air, but he knows the answer. Yes, he knows you and him are just best friends. Does he like it that way?

Hyunjin knows the answer to that too. He only pretends that he doesn’t.

You’re already slurping your soup when Hyunjin says hi to the restaurant owners, Mr and Mrs. Jang. “Oh Hyunjinnie, I just watched you on TV. You won something, right?” he asks. His wife ushers him to sit down, putting extra servings of kimchi on the table.

“Why didn’t I get extra kimchi?” You pout, shooting a jealous glare at Hyunjin who’s busy explaining what a Bonsang is to the owners.

“You did a good job, then,” Mrs. Jang coos. “You don’t need to pay today. It’s on us!”

You quickly put your spoon down. “What about me? I barely sleep thesedays, and I’m not as rich as Hyunjin!”

“Aigoo, you started eating before your friend came then demand for free food. You’re lucky we love you as much as we love Hyunjin.”

The couple laugh at your reaction, jokingly scolding you for being whinier than Hyunjin when it used to be the other way around. He smiles, remembering all the times he forced you to eat his eggplants for him and the times when he begged you to help him study because he needed to beat all of his friends.

“Eat,” you scowl. “You only have half an hour to brag. I have a night shift.”

Out of the times you’re being petty towards him, you were only seriously petty once: when he beat your English score in ninth grade although you were the one teaching him. He had to bribe you with a week’s worth of Haribo jellies before you stopped ignoring him.

Hyunjin giggles. “When’s your exam? Tomorrow?”

“Next week,” you whine. “But I have so many things to do! And I think someone stole my notes, I can’t seem to find them anywhere. Do you even understand half the pain I’m going through right now? All I need is one solid hour of sleep.”

“Hmm,” he hums. “Tell me something I don’t know.”

You widen your eyes, eyeing Hyunjin from head to toe. “Sometimes I forget you’re Stray Kids’ Hyunjin.”

He pretends to stab himself on the chest. “That h-hurts,” he fake-groans. “Then who do you think I am?”

“My neighbor,” you answer. “—who doesn’t even live at home anymore.”

“To be fair, you’re practically holed in hospital now.”

“Yeah but I go home every two weeks? You go home twice a year.”

“Excuse me?! I went home on your birthday… in the middle of a tour! I could’ve been sleeping or practicing, but I came home!”

He always “argues” with you until both of you are out of breath, clutching your chests because it somehow feels hilarious. You drink the last few drops of the soup right from your bowl, setting it back on the table and empty your glass in one go.

“I don’t have enough energy for this,” you sigh dreamily, prepping your head on your arm. “Tell me about everything. Your first Bonsang.”

Hyunjin can still hear his fans’ voices chanting his name and cheering for him as he delivered his speech while sobbing (this is what he hates from solo promotions, nobody else is there to stop him from crying or taking over the mic from him so he could calm himself down). He remembers every single word he said and the proud faces of his fellow artists. The thrill, the triumph, the satisfaction, the love… it’s making him emotional all over again.

He grabs a tissue to blow his nose. “I was surprised when the company said that I was invited. Our group hasn’t made a comeback this year, and although my song did chart quite well, I never expected they would even invite me.”

“They gave me a 5-minute stage! I was so happy, I sent you my rehearsal videos, right?”

You nod, imitating one of the moves in his dance break.

“Everything was even more amazing on stage, with Stays watching me. I think I was possessed during the performance… I was goddamn nervous though.”

“Yeah, I watched it on the way here. You kept licking your lip, I don’t care if your fans think that’s hot. To me you’re just a nervous mess…”

Hyunjin has started to pout when you add, “… who did a very great job nevertheless! It’s just that I’ve known you so long. You can’t hide anything from me.”

He notices how you’re holding your breath, waiting for him to respond. After years, Hyunjin thought he would take negative comments much less seriously, but apparently it didn’t become easier. It became harder, so hard that he had to take a 3-month hiatus last year.

With you, everything is different. You can tell him that he sucks big time and he’ll take it seriously, but he never gets offended. There are a lot of times when people treat him like he’s made of glass (or a snowflake, Seungmin once said), but you treat him the way you’ve always treated him and he loves it. None of his other friends understands, but your honesty is priceless. It’s what keeps him going; he knows you’ll never cherish him less no matter what you say about the way he dances and raps, or the way he looks and behaves. And he’s sure that his honesty also means the world to you. You are each other’s toughest critic, but it will never change anything.

“Hyunjin.” You place your hand over his, eyes wide. “I’m sorry. It just slipped out of my mouth.”

He chuckles, flipping his palm to squeeze your hand. “You idiot. You just stated the facts.”

You squeeze his hand back before pulling away. “I’m looking at Hwang Hyunjin of Stray Kids who sold over 100.000 copies of his first solo album, who won Bonsang for the first time, who gets worshiped by everyone he locks eyes with—except for me of course. I’m a very proud friend.”

“Stop it.” Hyunjin rolls his eyes, but unable to hide his smile once he sees you grinning like a happy child. “How much time do we have left?”

You glance at your phone, sighing when a reminder for you to study pops up. “5 minutes. I have to go back to the hospital soon.”

“Can you even study during your shift?”

“I have to,” you mumble. “Anyways, thanks for dragging me out. I did miss you after all.”

“I missed you too,” Hyunjin says, probably too quick for his own good but he doesn’t regret it.

“I’ll be going now.” You stretch your limbs, grabbing your bag and slinging it over your shoulder. “Any last words before I go to war?”

“I should be the one asking you that.”

“Oh, right.”

Chan is the only one awake by the time Hyunjin gets back home. He huffs in regret, knowing that the hyungs decided to stay over to celebrate his Bonsang win. The leader greets him with a bear hug, carefully avoiding Felix and Minho who are fast asleep on the floor. “We’re so happy for you!” he whisper-yells. “How was Y/N?”

Hyunjin returns his hug with an even tighter one. “Thanks hyung. You composed the song after all! And sorry I came back too late.”

Chan shakes his head. “Nah, it’s fine. At some point we forgot why we were here and just started playing mafia.”

“Y/N is fine, anyways, just tired.”

“She’s always tired, isn’t she?”

“Yeah. It turns out that medical students are probably more tired than us.”

Hyunjin leads Chan to his bedroom. Each of the 00z has their own bedroom now. It’s much more convenient and they can arrange their stuff however they want to (they avoid entering Jisung’s room as much as possible), but Hyunjin misses the mess at times. The old dorm was cramped, either too hot or too cold, and way too noisy, but it was home for quite a long time.

Chan seems to be having the same thought. “We miss you kiddos sometimes,” he laughs. “But we fixed that sliding door. It closes properly now.”

“As long as Changbin hyung keeps opening it with too much force it will be broken again in no time. Trust me.”

Both of them are lying on Hyunjin’s king size bed, staring at the sideboard table he dedicates for his music show—and now, music award—trophies. “The kids don’t really say it but they’re all so proud of you. I’m proud of you. I raised you well, didn’t I?”

“Yeah, you kinda did.”

“Kinda?!”

“I’m joking.” Hyunjin scrunches his nose. “You raised all of us. We raised Jeongin. And we raised each other.”

“3racha are almost finished choosing the final songs, you have 2 weeks to relax then we’ll start production right away. Our next tour won’t start until May, so we have plenty of time to prepare everything.”

“Ohhhhh I can feel my bones breaking already. We’re getting old,” Hyunjin whines.

Chan pats his thighs, cracking his knuckles before jumping out of bed. “You’re getting old,” he teases.

“I’m glad, though. Everything finally works out the way we wanted to. I guess we can say that we’re doing well now, right?”

Chan doesn’t wait for Hyunjin to answer and leaves the room right away. The latter ponders the rhetorical question for a while, recalling the goals they have reached for the past few years. Entering the Melon chart (and staying on Top 20 for a week), having one of the most successful world tour, winning prestigious awards at prestigious music awards, 3racha getting acknowledged as the industry’s top composers, 00z winning music shows for their unit debut last year, Jeongin getting drama roles, and last but not least, Hyunjin’s successful solo debut.

Feeling nostalgic, he scrolls through his phone, looking at old photos and silly videos. Looking at the lyrics he wrote on his note app. Then he goes through @realstraykids’ posts on Instagram, from when Jeongin still had braces until tonight. The latest selcas on his own official account are still getting likes, the fans showering him with praises.

Hyunjin has ticked off everything from his wish list. He has reached every goal he set a few years ago. They are doing well. He’s doing well.

He looks at his surroundings, immersing himself in the space and peace of his room that he once craved desperately. He’s supposed to be at peace now, but his mind won’t stop buzzing, asking himself what to do next.

For the very first time, Hyunjin realizes that he’s now floating on Cloud 9. Everything is perfect, he’s living his dream life. But at the back of his head, he can hear the clock ticking, ready to push him over the edge the moment he loses his balance, watching him fall all the way to the pits of hell.

Everything is perfect, but why does his heart feel so empty?

Hyunjin’s brows furrow as he tries to catch some comments the fans are posting. When he was a rookie he couldn’t get used to how fast the comments come in, and it’s something that doesn’t quite change. Probably he got used to it at some point, but they kept gaining fans that the comment section is always extremely active.

“Hyunjin oppa,” he pronounces the words slowly. ”Spo-spoiler please!”

He lifts his head to give the viewers a secretive smile. “Nope.” He wiggles his forefinger. “You have to wait for the teasers!”

“Ohhh the comments! You guys are so excited I can’t keep up!”

More comments flood in, and Hyunjin has to press his phone screen in order to read the one comment he’s been trying to read. ��Recommend me a song, please!”

“Uhhh—” He takes some time to think of the songs he’s been listening to, tapping his fingers against the surface of the table while the comments keep coming in, but this time he spots words that stab him right on his gut. With trembling hands, he lifts his phone, clicking the report button as subtle as possible. His vision grows blurry as he reports every single comment that has the word “fuck you”, “die” or “talentless” in it.

The pause has become too long and too awkward, so he stops himself from reporting more and stares at the lens. “Ah, song recommendation!” he exclaims. “I have quite a lot but thesedays I’ve been listening to 00z songs a lot. We had so much fun promoting together.”

Hyunjin feels his other phone vibrating in his pocket, probably his mother checking in. It gives him a boost of energy, and he tells his fans he’ll stay with them for 10 more minutes. “When we’re just talking like this, I’m always reminded that we’ve come so far,” Hyunjin says, a smile on his face. “It feels good to know that all of you are making time for us, for me, after your busy day. And no, I’m not sleepy. Don’t worry, everyone!”

He reads some more comments, mostly cheesy pickup lines to cheer himself up as his brain is still trying to get all the hurtful words out of his system. “Ah, I think I have to go now,” Hyunjin announces lowly. “I have to go back to practice, if not Chan hyung will barge in and drag me back to the practice room.”

“What? You want me to get scolded by Chan hyung? Why are you so mean?!”

Hyunjin ends up staying for 20 more minutes before finally ending the broadcast. Conversation with his fans is something he values a lot; it gives him strength and makes him laugh. It makes him feel loved and he wants his fans to feel the same.

But it’s equally tiring. He has to brace himself for some less-than-nice comments, sometimes they are way too severe for him to handle that the company sues all the commenters. You’ve told him over and over again that those people aren’t his fans.

Everything could’ve been worse. Hyunjin still considers himself very lucky that he has much more fans than haters. Still, he often imagines how it will feel if he has no hater at all, since he does have some friends who seem to only hear pretty words.

Hyunjin stays inside the room for a few more minutes, replying to Seungmin’s messages and assures him that he’ll be back soon. He idly plays one of their songs he hasn’t heard for years, the song that was always included in their setlist before being replaced by some other songs. Hyunjin initially thought he wouldn’t need that song anymore, but tonight, he needs it. Maybe he needs it more now than before.

After making a mental note to ask the other boys to add the song back to the concert’s setlist, Hyunjin leaves, cursing himself for taking too much time to regain his composure.

Should I stop or not? Should I give up or not?

“Hwang Hyunjin, stop coming into my room without my permission! You literally trespassed into someone else’s property!”

Hyunjin groans into his pillow, instantly regretting his decision to pick up your call at midnight. “I didn’t!”

“Don’t lie to me. You took Gureum with you!”

He takes a quick glance at the rabbit plushie he placed on top of his pillow. Last night, he did go home because Kkami (everyone calls him old man now) got a little sick. “I miiiiight have made a quick detour next door when I was about to leave.”

“You’re pathetic. You got soooooo many plushies and toys and cute headbands from fansigns and you stole my Gureum.”

“Stop guilt tripping me! I missed Gureum, okay? Why didn’t you take him to your dorm?”

Hyunjin senses your hesitation as you clear your throat. “Well, sometimes seeing Gureum only makes me miss everyone more, so I just left him at home.”

Now he feels guilty. Your parents are currently staying overseas to take care of your sick little sister. He pictures you coming to an empty home every two weeks, exhausted and not having anyone to welcome you.

“Do you want me to come over?”

“Our superstar isn’t busy?”

“I am, but I’m willing to sacrifice my precious time for my best friend.”

You scoff over the phone, but telling him to hurry up before ending the call. Hyunjin packs his clothes and toiletries, along with Gureum—his birthday present for your 11th birthday. You almost never sleep without it, yet the plushie still looks brand new.

Unable to hide his smitten smile, Hyunjin grabs his keys.

The apartment complex where Hyunjin lives has changed a lot over the years. The soccer field he used to play at is now a playground. The little bookstore you loved so much is now a bakery. Now there’s a big shopping mall right across the building. After saving up for a while, Hyunjin asked his parents whether they wanted to move to a bigger place. He kind of hoped that they wouldn’t want it because he wanted to stay close to you (although coming home is a real challenge for him). Luckily, his parents said no.

He enters your door password leisurely, recalling the time when your parents told him to take care of you.

So far, you’ve been the one taking care of him.

Hyunjin heads straight to your bedroom, opening the door and sees you curling on your bed. The mattress he sleeps on whenever he stays over is already laid on the floor.

“Gureum!” you yell when he throws the squishy rabbit to you. Hyunjin drops his bag and settles himself on the mattress, staring up at you.

“How’s your sis?”

You scoot towards the end of the bed, showing him a photo on your phone. Your sister is smiling; she looks much better than before, but still very pale and thin. “I haven’t called her,” Hyunjin admits. “But she got the albums I sent to her. Sent the ones signed by the others too. That kid loves Jisung, do you know that?”

“I got her into Jisung.”

He sits up, looking almost offended. “Your bias is Han Jisung?”

“This world doesn’t revolve around you, superstar.” You flash him a cheeky grin. “I wanted to ask you to let me go to the backstage again last tour, but I restrained myself. As your kind best friend, I shouldn’t abuse my privilege.”

“You know that he never cleans his room, right?”

You hum, “Nobody’s perfect, Jinnie.”

“Oh come on!” Hyunjin protests. “If it’s Jeongin I understand although he also never cleans his room. But Jisung? And you’re calling yourself my best friend!”

“He’s funny!” you argue. ”He has a nice voice—it’s really sexy when he raps, he dances well, he wrote all my favorite Stray Kids songs, and he actually had the balls to fight you. A real champ.”

Hyunjin rolls his eyes, making a gesture to snatch Gureum away from you. “And at the end of the day, you love him,” you add. “He makes you laugh too.”

Well, it’s a fact he can’t refute. You ask, “Do you think I should hit on him or something? Will people call me out? Does he have someone?”

“We are not having this conversation Y/N. I don’t care if both of you are my best friends, you’re not dating Han Jisung. What happened to that ‘hot senior’ Jung Jaehyun? The last time we called, you were so in love with him.”

The mention of Jaehyun’s name causes you to slump into your bed, covering yourself with your thick blanket. “I sort of blew it up,” you mumble. “He asked me on a real date and I said no.”

You seem to hit realization that’s way too late, and now you’re hollering, “I said no to Jung Jaehyun! Oh my God Hyunjin… I’m such an idiot!”

Hyunjin can’t contain his giggles. Relief washes over him; you and Jaehyun seemed rather serious and while he wished you well, the thought of you being with someone else always pains him. He knows he’s not allowed to feel that way just because you’re best friends.

Most of the times, he can’t help it.

“He’s a real gentleman and he said he was into me. ME. Everyone would throw themselves at him but he came up to me and I flat out rejected him. What the hell is wrong with me?!”

You’re rolling on your bed, whining and kicking at the air. “I tried not to think about it but… it was just a date? Even if I didn’t end up dating him at least I could tell my grandchildren that I went on a date with Jung Jaehyun!”

“Is he really that great?” Hyunjin asks, out of curiosity but laced with jealousy he hopes you can’t see. His words sound distant to his own ears, triggering his fear of losing you.

“Yeah, I guess?”

You nudge his legs when he doesn’t respond. “How about you? Everything’s fine? You don’t look happy thesedays.”

Hyunjin never lies to you. You have a full access to his heart; he lets you in on his happiest days when life feels like the shiniest summer. He also lets you in even after the messiest thunderstorm when he feels that everything is fucked up. This time, he wants to lock you out. There’s nothing to see, there’s nothing to fix.

His heart is empty—he is empty, and he wants to protect you from the bleakness of it.

“I’m fine, just been arguing with Felix and Minho hyung over the song we’ll perform. It feels too monotone for me, but they think it’s perfect,” he explains, not completely lying. “I don’t know if I’m being selfish but somehow I just can’t let it go.”

“Have you tried explaining to them? Not how you feel, but how the song is. You can always go technical, you don’t need to worry just because Minho is more experienced.”

Hyunjin sighs. “I did, but probably it’s just me.”

“Do you wanna talk things out?” You yawn, squishing Gureum into your chest. “Or do you want to just sleep?”

He glances at the clock. “We both need sleep. It’s almost 3A.M.”

“Alright. Good night—I mean good morning!”

Hyunjin stretches his neck to look at you, your eyes are already closed. He relaxes his body and tries to sleep, but his jumbled mind keeps him awake. Hyunjin waits until you’re fast asleep before scooting closer, softly taking your hand in his before closing his eyes once again. He did it a lot when he was younger, holding your hand until he fell asleep. You nagged at him because it woke you up, but you never told him to stop doing it.

Tonight is no different.

“Hyunjin?”

“Sorry.”

You turn to him, “It’s okay.”

He mumbles a thank you, ready to go to sleep when you move to the mattress. Hyunjin gulps at the close proximity, it’s been too long since you slept on the same bed as him.

“Hyunjin, I missed you.”

Hyunjin heard a theory somewhere: 3.A.M-conversations are the most honest. It’s a little over 3A.M now, and he doesn’t how much of that theory is true, but your words fuel something deep within him. The feeling so strong he has to tear his gaze away from you. Hyunjin slowly pulls you into his arms, patting your back in rhythm with the clock.

He grazes his lips on your shoulder, mouthing his reply quietly, “I missed you too.”

You nod against his chest, pulling your hand out of his grasp so you could circle your arms around his torso.

Hyunjin falls asleep almost immediately, succumbing to the warmth and comfort you radiate.

He’s going to be alright.

“Do you think I’ll ever debut?”

Hyunjin takes off his SOPA jacket, plopping onto the bed while you’re munching on a pack of jelly. “Let me sleep for 10 minutes. I have to go to the company after this.”

You slap his thigh. “Why do you always sleep in my room? If I got a dollar everytime you sabotage my bed I’d be really rich now. Get out, you have practice!”

He reaches for your knee, using it as a pillow. Hyunjin feels you soften as you card your hand through his hair. “Is it hard? Are those mean hyungs still bothering you?”

Hyunjin shakes his head. “Changbin hyung told those motherfuckers to mind their own business.”

“Stop cursing!” you hiss. “It’s not cool, and what if you accidentally curse on broadcast later? You have so much to learn…”

Hyunjin opens his eyes and smiles when he meets your gaze. “Do you think I’ll ever debut?” he repeats his question.

“Have you seen yourself dancing? You’re better than most of the trainees I saw at the open showcase. Plus you have so many girls screaming your name. No offense, but that is definitely a plus point.”

You give his head a little smack when you notice doubt flashing through his orbs. “I believe in you, Hyunjin. Don’t doubt yourself,” you tell him softly. “And if you need someone to give those ‘motherfuckers’ a lesson, just call me. I know some people who can shut them up.”

He lets out an obnoxious gasp. “Are you a gangster now?! Your parents are going to be so disappointed in you. Looks like you have to say goodbye to medical school now…”

You sigh, now it’s your turn to look at Hyunjin with doubt in your eyes. “I’ll get in, right? What if I flunk my results later?”

“This is why I hate smart people,” he bemoans. “You rank first in the whole school, stop saying nonsense.”

Both of you a few more minutes lying in silence. When he waves you goodbye, Hyunjin feels like he can soar.

He’s safe with you, and you’re safe with him.

“Hwang Hyunjin, get off me!”

Hyunjin wakes up to you trying to untangle your legs from his. He catches your flailing legs, removing his before examining your face. “It’s almost noon. Aren’t you running late?” you pester, pointing at the clock.

“Lunch?” he asks.

This is supposed to be awkward. Hyunjin can’t recall what happened a few hours ago before blushing—he’s never been that intimate with you before. You two have had a fair share of platonic cuddle sessions, but last night felt different.

“Not yet,” you mutter. “I just woke up. Oh God my back hurts.”

He wants to know whether you feel the same, but you’ve made your way to the bathroom before he could ask anything. “What do you want to eat?” you yell, almost incoherently due to the toothpaste in your mouth.

“You’re not going to shower?” Hyunjin playfully shrieks.

“It’s my day off!”

“My mom must’ve cooked something. Gimme 10 minutes.”

Although he’s done this at least a hundred times, it’s still hard for Hyunjin to leave home. Seeing his he’s never able to stop his heart getting heavier at the sight of bidding his family goodbye until God knows when.

“Please come home more Y/N,” his mother asks you, raising her eyebrow. “Hyunjin seems to randomly pop up whenever you’re here, so please, come home more.”

You smack his back loudly, causing him to let out a choked groan. “I’ll teach him a lesson, don’t worry.”

Hyunjin gives his mother a sheepish smile, knowing all too well what she meant. He pulls you out before she starts grilling him for information, yelling one last goodbye before closing the door. You search for something inside your bag, stopping him from pressing the elevator button.

“You left something?”

“My dorm key,” you answer, walking back to your own unit. “You should just go,” you say. “It’s in the middle of the day anyways, we shouldn’t be seen together.”

Hyunjin follows you inside, watching you rummage through one of the buffet drawers. He notices how your shoulders are slumped and the way your eyebrows furrow. As his mind wanders to last night once again, you jab at his stomach lightly. “Hey, you’re spacing out.”

“Oh,” is all Hyunjin can say. He takes a good look of you, something he always does before he parts ways with you. Before he can stop himself, Hyunjin has wrapped his arms around you, letting you hear his erratic heartbeat. He still misses you, even after spending the whole night together.

Eventually, you pull away. “I’ll go first.” You ruffle his head. “See you when I see you?”

“See you soon,” he corrects you.

You smile, taking your bag from the floor and when he blinks, you’re gone.

Hyunjin still misses you now, even when you were just in his embrace a few minutes ago, burying your head into the crook of his neck. The empty space in his heart seems to expand whenever he thinks about you.

It hurts.

Minho ends the dance practice and everyone collapses on the floor the moment the music stops playing. Hyunjin immediately restarts the discussion they had before practice started.

“We used to sing both Grow Up and You Can Stay, why do we have to choose one now?” he demands while all of them are sprawled on the floor. “Our fans miss it too, I think it’s the perfect chance to bring it back.”

Chan takes a deep breath, nodding at Hyunjin. “I can’t see why not,” he says with a chuckle. “I don’t even remember why we abandoned it in the first place.”

Hyunjin does, and he knows Chan does too. It was simple, really. The song that once gave them comfort turned into this big monster made out of their worst nightmares. Each member had cried to the song during some of their concerts, and now performing it in front of everyone always brings back the painful memories.

“Yeah, we should sing it again,” Felix adds, kicking Jisung’s leg so the latter would sit up and voice out his opinion. “Well.” Jisung scratches the back of his head, “I’m cool with it.”

The rest of the group mumbles similar answers and Chan claps, giving Hyunjin a thumbs up. “Hyunjinnie is all grown up,” he praises before gathering his things and leaves. Hyunjin snorts at the leader’s compliment, but his sparkly eyes can’t fool anyone.

He pulls out his phone to relay the happy news to you, but the sparks in his eyes quickly fade when his messages from hours ago are still unread.

“What time are we leaving tomorrow?” he asks.

Seungmin checks his phone. “5A.M.”

Hyunjin wipes his sweat, chugging his water. Their American tour starts in a few days, and while he’s ecstatic because they’ll be performing at LA Staples Center for the first time, he also feels uneasy.

He takes out his phone, opening his contacts and stops when he sees your name. He stares at the number he remembers by heart.

“You okay?” Seungmin asks. “If you’re worried about District 9’s formation change, don’t. You nailed it today.”

“District 9…” Hyunjin trails off. “We’re getting too old for District 9.”

Jeongin grunts in agreement. “Whenever we finish my head always spins for like a minute. It’s been too long.”

“Yah,” Seungmin scolds him. “You need to get it checked. What if there’s something wrong with your head?”

The youngest does an exaggerated head banging, earning a kick from the puppy-like boy. Hyunjin chuckles at the two’s antics; some things never really change, and he’s grateful that this is one of those things.

Seungmin throws a playful punch at Jeongin’s stomach one last time before focusing his gaze back on Hyunjin. “Seriously though, did something happen?”

Hyunjin’s brain has a lot of template answers to questions like this, but the cliché words on tip of his tongue feel burning. His friends wait patiently as he fumbles for words, blinking his tears away when he fails to find the right words.

“I don’t even know if there’s anything,” he finally concludes. “It’s just—ever since Bonsang, it’s been hard. It’s been… nothing. Empty.”

Seungmin and Jeongin only nod, as if they understand how he feels. They probably do, Hyunjin thinks. Maybe he’s not the only one. Maybe all of his members have experienced it at some point, although at different times. Hyunjin feels slightly relieved at the thought. I’m not insane.

When he was a trainee, he thought everything would be fine once he debuted. It was, to some extent. But he was young and naïve, and when things beyond his control happened, Hyunjin barely managed to stay afloat. People told him how to handle stress, how to voice out his concerns, how to manage his body, mind and soul. He knew how to survive, theoretically.

No one actually taught him nor the other boys, and for an 18 year-old boy, feelings got intense quickly. After some trials and errors, everyone figured that it was best not to bottle up their feelings. Once again, it sounded easy in theory. In reality, with so many things happening at once, most of them eventually created a space in their own heads to seal everything in. They endured.

Jeongin looks at him with hesitation, rubbing his hands together. “It happens,” he reassures him. “It’s okay to worry about it, hyung. But worry about it with me, please!” Jeongin raises his tone. “You can barge into my room anytime. You can annoy the hell out of me, but stop suffering alone, will you?!”

Seungmin can’t miss the chance to tease the maknae. “Says the one who cried alone all night long in the bathtub after losing his voice.”

“If I hadn’t found you, you would’ve passed out,” Hyunjin adds. Jeongin lifts his hands in defeat. “Whatever. But I meant what I said.”

“Our Jeongin is so dependable,” Hyunjin coos.

“You say that all the time.” Jeongin rolls his eyes. “And then still baby me.”

Seungmin takes Hyunjin’s phone from the floor, passing it to the owner. “Call Y/N.”

Hyunjin panics a little. “Why?”

Seungmin shrugs. “Better days start after meeting the person you want to see the most!”

“Speaking of you and Y/N,” Jeongin quips. “You guys aren’t in high school anymore, stop flirting with each other and date already.”

Hyunjin gets a surge of bravery and dials your number, but immediately regrets his decision with each passing minute. He almost ends the call when you finally answer. “Hyunjin?”

“H-hi,” he stammers. “Busy?”

“Kind of... What? What happened?”

“Can we meet? I only need a couple of minutes. You’re in Seoul, right?”

“I am. Hyunjin, what’s going on? You’re scaring me.”

It’s scaring me too.

“I want to tell you in person. Where are you? I’ll come to you.”

Hyunjin isn’t sure when the lines between best friends and something more started to get blurry. The worse thing is, he realized it way too late and things got complicated before he could do anything about it.

“It’s too late to back out,” he mouths to himself while opening the stairwell door in the hospital you’re currently at. You’re sitting on one of the steps, dozing off as your head hits the wall every now and then.

Hyunjin runs his hand through his hair, guilt consuming him. He sits beside you, pulling your head to his right shoulder. The two of you always attended the same school until high school, when he decided to enroll in SOPA instead of a regular school. Since then, he never really knows what’s going on in your life. You told him about your close friends, the small fights, medical students’ inside jokes, the good looking boys, all the knowledge and experiences you’re grateful for despite the never-ending suffering and constant lack of sleep. You told him everything, but he’s never actually seen you in your world.

You’ve seen enough of his world—you’ve gone to his concerts, awards shows, even fansigns (as a prank because you wanted to see him getting all flustered while pretending not to know you). Hyunjin never has the time or makes an effort to do the same, and while it’s completely understandable due to the nature of his job, he feels like he’s going to lose you.

As he brushes your hair out of your face, Hyunjin asks himself whether he’s good enough for you.

“Whoa,” you suddenly whisper, straightening your body. “Did I fall asleep?”

Hyunjin stops you from getting up. “You must be tired.”

“So are you.” You remove his hand from your head. “So tell me. What’s going on?”

You’re here, sitting beside him, only wanting truth to come out of his mouth. Hyunjin bites his lip, the urge to just let go is eating him up, his soul begging him to get some answers. The familiar hollowness is back, and tears start to roll down his cheeks.

This isn’t the first time he cries in front of you, so you just pat his head, waiting for the tears to stop. “I’m sorry,” he groans. “I’m so sorry Y/N.”

You lift his head, eyes looking straight into his. “What for?” you mutter. “Hyunjin, please tell me.”

Hyunjin makes a silent plead at himself to toughen up, but it’s hard when you’re staring at him like this, wide eyes filled with raw concern and sincerity that never fail to touch the deepest part of his heart. “Hmm?” you prompt, still patting his head ever so softly.

“It’s been hard,” Hyunjin sniffles. “It’s hard to look forward to the future. I feel restless all the time. I have nothing to fight for. It’s…,” He makes gestures with his hand in attempt to explain it better. “… empty.”

You wipe his tears with the sleeve of your white coat. “Do you know why you feel that way?”

Hyunjin nods. “We’re doing well, we really are… and that’s probably why. Everything is going too well I don’t know what thrills me anymore. I thought I’d feel content once I reached all of my dreams, but that’s not the case.”

He examines your face, rehearsing the next lines in his head again and again. You cock an eyebrow, encouraging him to continue. And the last bit of Hyunjin’s defense crumbles with every blink of your pretty eyes.

“And you… I miss you all the time. Even when you’re right here with me, I still miss you. I have to hold back whenever I’m with you because I don’t want you to run away from me. I love you, Y/N. I don’t know when it all started but maybe I’ve always loved you and it hurts me not being able to tell you that. The emptiness… it gets worse whenever you tell me we shouldn’t be seen together or that you have to go or when you have other boys like Jaehyun who are clearly better for you than I am because they can be there for you. I love you so bad you don’t know how hard it is to go through days without you, without kissing you good night, without hearing you laugh for me. I keep thinking, ‘what if you’re suddenly gone?’ Maybe you’ll leave me someday, maybe you’ll tell me that you can’t be my friend anymore, but I need you, Y/N. I love you and I need you here with me to keep going. I—”

Hyunjin watches you slowly—very slowly—retract your hand from his head as words fail him, and he feels as if his guts are being hammered to pieces. He can’t read your eyes, can’t even try to define what your gaze means.

You eventually stand up, pulling him up with you. “I’m not the answer, Hyunjin,” you mutter. “You can’t expect that you’ll never feel empty again once I say that I accept your feelings. It’s just—it’s not fair. This isn’t just about us not being together.”

“But—”

“I know,” you cut him off, your body start shaking due to all the tension. “I know. That’s how you feel, and I can’t dictate you what to feel and not to feel. Think about it like this…”

You pause to check if he’s still listening to you. He nods, weakly.

“… you spent years working your ass off to get recognition from everyone, and you did it. Don’t ever forget that, I’m begging you. So all of your dreams have come true and you feel lost now… it’s okay. You have a lot of time, Hyunjin. You can always have a new dream, you can have a thousand more. Don’t make me the answer to everything just because you haven’t found any other answer.”

You wait for him to respond, but Hyunjin is frozen to his spot. His world is now upside down, and he doesn’t know how long it will take to fix everything.

Your phone rings, snapping him out of his trance. You look at him apologetically. “I have to go.” Those damn words again. “Ask Seungmin to help you ice your face, you don’t want to show up at the airport with swollen eyes, do you? Call me before you take off, okay? Hyunjin?”

He can only nod, trying his best to give you the most reassuring smile. He feels everything all at once: shock, shame, sadness… but mostly regret because you’re right.

You always are.

“Have fun on tour! Send me all the photos you take!”

Now it’s turn for Hyunjin’s phone to ring as you make your way out, leaving him alone. He’s about to press the green button when the door opens once again. Hyunjin lets his phone ring, watching you fidget with your hands.

He’s still pretty much tongue-tied, but forces himself to ask, “Did you ever… love me? As more than friends?”

To his surprise, you take quick steps towards him, tiptoeing to press your lips on his. Your eyes are closed, your hands are tied to your sides and it takes Hyunjin his whole willpower to refrain himself from pulling your body closer, wrapping his arms around you and kissing the life out of you. He closes his eyes and just stands there, accepting whatever you’re willing to give him because there’s nothing he yearns more than your love and trust.

Hyunjin almost whines when you pull away with red cheeks and teary eyes. “Come back to me when you’re ready. I’ll wait for you. Only you.”

It’s Hyunjin’s 10th (or 11th? He can’t really remember) visit to New York, but he’s still as excited as a kid with his lollipop. After years of traveling from country to country, Hyunjin realizes that he just doesn’t get bored, ever. Each place holds a special memory he keeps close to his heart, something sentimental that motivates him to go back every chance he gets.

“Stand there,” he motions at Seungmin—the only one who’s willing to accompany him walking around the Empire State Building for the nth time—to stand at the spot he points at. Seungmin follows his instruction, smiling when Hyunjin starts counting. They examine the result and Seungmin shoves his leg. “I guess you finally learned something.”

Hyunjin feigns hurt, setting his camera’s focus on a group of kids, holding his breath before pressing the shutter. “As if you taught me anything.”

He glances at his bandmate who’s busy taking photos with his own camera. Photo hunting with Seungmin is always in Hyunjin’s “limited free time” itinerary. They’ve strolled around so many cities together, sometimes it takes the whole day if time allows them. Strangely, Seungmin never gets bored of it either and although it’s no surprise since he loves photography more than anything else, Hyunjin is grateful.

“You never say no whenever I ask you to take photos with me,” Hyunjin states. “Why?”

Seungmin frowns. “What kind of question is that?”

“Just wondering,” Hyunjin mumbles. “We do pretty much the same thing everytime. Sometimes I force you to go to the places we’ve been to… don’t you get bored?”

“It’s always different everytime, I thought that’s why sometimes you take photos at the same place? It’s never exactly the same, don’t you think?”

Hyunjin goes through the photos he took in New York last year, smiling at some of them as he recalls the funny anecdotes behind them. When he slips his phone back into his jeans pocket and lets his eyes wander… yes, nothing is exactly the same.

“You truly are a photographer. When’s your next exhibition, Photographer Kim?”

Seungmin snaps his finger. “Ah! Exhibition! I forgot to ask you, why don’t we held a joint exhibition this time?”

“You want to show your photos along with my photos?”

“Why not? Yours are amazing too! And you’re my best friend, it’ll be fun.”

Hyunjin imagines having his photo framed on the wall. Small placards pinned underneath, containing the words he constructs to explain each of them. The fans will come to feel how it feels like to be here behind the lens. Maybe people who don’t even know him will come too, and get a chance to actually know him.

He reaches his phone to relay the idea to you, smiling to himself when he finds messages from you instead.

y/n: [sends a picture]

y/n: ahreum finally woke up today! isnt she pretty?

me: everyone is prettier than you

me: you must be happy!!

y/n: ??????

y/n: oh. she asked me to recommend boygroup songs

y/n: i made her listen to every single skz song

y/n: and your solo songs!!!!

me: awwwwwww

me: and you cant be doing this for free right?

“Is that your best friend slash girlfriend?” Seungmin is suddenly standing behind him, reading over his shoulder. “You guys are so cute it’s making me feel sick.”

Hyunjin sighs, gazing at the busy street upon him. “We’re not dating. At least not yet.”

“What happened? Just realized that I never really asked.”

“She asked me to come to her when I’m ready.”

Seungmin looks at him quizzically, but decides not to press him further. “Are you ready now?”

They’re flying back to Seoul next week, and while he thought he wouldn’t be able to enjoy the tour, he truly did. He thinks of all the good things that have happened: the sold out shows, the happy tears, his improvement, the upcoming exhibition with Seungmin, and lastly, you—the one who’s patiently waiting for him.

There have been a lot of times when Hyunjin feels like he’s everywhere but nowhere at the same time. It sounds scary, but now he realizes that he only needs to admit that he’s indeed everywhere, but never nowhere.

“Almost.”

The instrumental of Grow Up starts to play and all the boys rush back to their designated positions. The atmosphere turns a bit more sentimental as the bridge approaches, they’re just looking at each other while Minho is singing his part. In the past, they often teased each other during this very part, afraid that they would break down if they let their emotions overtake them. Hyunjin averts his gaze to the audience, watching the beautiful color of their lightsticks light up the huge stadium. As he gestures at some of the fans to stop crying, Hyunjin thanks himself for convincing the others to add the song back to their setlist.

The song comes to an end, and Chan gathers everyone to make a circle. Hyunjin feels pats on his head and back, Chan’s voice drowned by the fans who are still singing. He can’t resist the urge to turn around, so he does just that, and what he won’t trade what he sees for anything.

Their fans are standing there, eyes focused on everyone on stage as they sing each syllable perfectly. Changbin follows his gaze, and soon all of them are facing the audience again, listening to every wish, every hope, and every message relayed through the lyrics of the song.

Hyunjin lifts his mic, eyes darting to Chan who gives him a nod of approval. “Thank you,” he begins. “This is our last stop for this tour, and I can’t be any prouder and thankful to all of you.”

He lets the translator translate his speech before continuing, “I had a lot of worries before the tour started. I honestly thought I wouldn’t be able to go through everything.”

“You made our dreams come true,” Hyunjin continues. “You made my dreams come true and I naively thought that was the end of everything. But I learned a lot during this tour, and once again, you made this happen. All the pretty words you told us, they mean a lot. They always will. I realized that this will always be my dream, no matter how many times this has come true. I want to make you, who stay with us throughout everything, happy. I want to be here for a very long time. I want to be with you, to be with the members and our family, for a very long time.”

He stops when he feels he can’t continue anymore, letting the others take the spotlight. He gives each of his bandmates with a loving gaze, stopping at Minho who lets tears roll down his cheeks this time. Jeongin is giggling beside him, walking over to wrap the tsundere hyung in a firm hug.

Hyunjin thinks they’ve really come a long way.

Being back home usually gives Hyunjin a peace of mind, but when he sees no notification on his phone, he feels weird. He dials his mother’s number, his heart grows even more anxious when she picks up.

“Oh Hyunjin-ah, did you just land?”

“Yeah.”

“Can you come over here? Or do you have an important schedule?”

“No, we get 2 days off. What’s going on?”

“Y/N’s sister passed away. Sorry we didn’t tell you sooner, we didn’t want you to panic.”

“Eomma! How could you?”

“I’m sorry. This is Y/N’s request as well. She’s been here for 2 days and no one can make her eat anything. Can you take her home?”

“I’ll be there soon.”

“You’re going to live in Germany! You’re such a lucky kid!”

The little girl smiles bashfully as you pout at her. “The luckiest girl on Earth,” you add, fixing her messy hair.

“If you’re so jealous of me, why don’t you come along?”

“Are you kidding?” you exclaim. “I’m on my way to be the greatest doctor in this country. You can’t change my mind.”

“Alright, it’s time to go,” your father interrupts, giving you one last hug before whispering things into your ear. Hyunjin steps back to allow you say goodbye to your family, tearing up at the painful sight. Your father, a doctor, accepts an offer to work in a hospital in Germany and takes the whole family with him since your sick little sister needs more intensive treatment.

But you’re staying to become a great doctor like your father, hoping you’ll get a chance to cure your sister later.

“Please take care of her, Hyunjin. We trust you,” your mother tells him. Hyunjin nods, enveloping your hand in his. “Don’t worry, I’ll be here monitoring her every move and drag her back home whenever she spends too much time at the academy.”

Your sister laughs, bowing to Hyunjin. “I also want a boyfriend like Hyunjinoppa! Please take care of our unnie.”

You yank your hand away from him. “He’s not my boyfriend!”

Hyunjin seems unbothered by your statement, bowing to your family to annoy you more. “Our family will take care of her, you can trust us.”

Your sister’s smiling face greets Hyunjin as he enters the funeral home. He stares at the photo then closes his eyes to pray, whispering strings of apologies that’s always too late. I’m sorry I never visited you. I’m sorry I failed to take care of your sister. I’m sorry I didn’t call you enough.

He bows to your family, the first bow since years ago, and he wishes he could turn back time. Hyunjin turns to you, gazing into your tired eyes. Your mother pulls him towards you. “She hasn’t eaten at all. Can you please bring her home, Hyunjin? I hope you’re not too busy. I’m sorry that we meet like this.”

“Hyunjin just landed in Seoul. How could you force him to come here?” you snap, returning his gaze. “Go home. I’ll call you later.”

Hyunjin almost yells in frustration, but swallows everything before dragging you out, only tightening his grip on your wrist when you try to pry his hand off of you. You keep shouting at him, yelling at him to stop, but Hyunjin doesn’t budge. He drags you all the way to his car, opening the passenger door for you.

“Get in the car, Y/N.”

Without waiting for you to move, he lifts your body and sits you down, fastening your seatbelt. “Please don’t push me away,” he pleads. “Why do you always tell me go home, go back to practice, to leave… why?! I promised your parents to take care of you. I promised your sister, why aren’t you letting me do that?!”

“I never asked you to do that,” you mutter through gritted teeth, causing Hyunjin to grip your shoulders.

“You only said that to hurt me,” he replies. “Even now you’re still trying to push me away. I want to be here Y/N. Don’t you want me here?”

You avoid his eyes, keeping your gaze on your clasped hands. “Tell me,” Hyunjin challenges. “Tell me that you don’t want me to stay with you, and I’ll leave.”

He waits for you to respond, letting out a relieved sigh he doesn’t bother hiding when you shake your head. “Want you here. Thank you.”

“Have you cried?”

After your sister was born, you were told not to shed tears in front of her. Your parents always scolded you if you started crying when you saw her in pain, and after some time, it became a habit. A habit that Hyunjin absolutely despises since it makes you suppress your feelings, as if punishing you for having feelings.

“I don’t know… maybe I haven’t.”

“You lost your sister, you can cry. Your parents cried a lot too, it’s fine.”

You nod, resting your head in the crook of his neck when tears start to well up. Hyunjin presses a kiss on your temple, finding himself tearing up the moment you start sobbing, something he has never witnessed although he’s known you for almost his whole life.

“Is this your Armani suit?” you manage to voice in the middle of sobs and snorts. He takes you into his embrace, chuckling, “Yes, but you can ruin it however you want. Another privilege as my best friend.”

“Can I abuse this privilege?”

“Ruining my expensive suits?”

“No,” you laugh airily. “Crying when you’re with me.”

Hyunjin cups your wet cheeks, gently pushing your hands away when you want to wipe your tears away. “Anytime. You can cry, laugh, curse, get angry, get drunk… you can do anything when you’re with me.”

And that’s all it takes before you start sobbing into his suit again. Hyunjin is standing there for the longest time, sandwiched by the passenger seat and door of his car with you in his arms. He doesn’t care, he will do it all over again, and he will do much more. For you, and only you.

“Where are you? It’s past midnight already!”

“Hwang Hyunjin, you’re lucky I’m willing to go home when I have a morning shift tomorrow,” you scold him over the phone.

“It’s my birthday! Wait, it isn’t even my birthday anymore!” he whines in an obnoxious tone that never fails to upset you. He giggles when he hears you huff, the sound of the elevator signaling that you’ve already arrived.

“You asked me to buy you a cake right before I left,” you hiss. “Now open the door, I’m outside.”

The call ends and Hyunjin rushes to the door. You’re carrying the red velvet cake he requested, the candles already lit and Hyunjin tries not to melt at the way you look at him. He did ask you to buy him a cake and “surprise” him at your apartment, but he is nowhere near ready to see you like this: all smiley and cheery for him despite sounding annoyed over the phone.

“Happy birthday,” you sing song, your smile growing wider as he blows the candle. Hyunjin returns your smile before taking the cake from you, pulling you towards your room. “Go get changed, I’ll slice the cake for you.”

A few minutes later, both of you are seated on your couch, talking about every little thing while enjoying the cake. Hyunjin tells you about Stray Kids’ upcoming comeback, a very special one since Minho choreographed the title track. You tell him about various cases that happened in the hospital while wondering if you’ll ever finish medical school and actually be a doctor.

Everything feels the way Hyunjin expects it to be, until you put your empty plate on the table and look at him straight in the eyes. “Hyunjin…”

He quickly swallows and places his plate on the table as well, never breaking eye contact with you. “What?”

You gulp. “Do you remember when I asked you to come find me when you’re ready?”

“Feels like yesterday.”

“Well,” you murmur. “I’m just wondering if you’re… ready.”

Fire lights up in his stomach, and before you can continue, Hyunjin is already trapping you between his body and the couch. “I am,” he says. “Are you?”

You brush his fringe with your fingers. “You were waiting for me?”

“You told me to start dreaming again, so I did,” Hyunjin recalls. “And I realized that all of my dreams are right in front of me—you, my family, the hyungs, Jeongin, the fans… keeping you guys with me is something I’ll always dream of although all of you are already here.”

You pout at him, but Hyunjin doesn’t miss the proud gleam in your eyes. “Then what’s taking you so long?”

He pinches your nose. “I waited for you to be ready, as you said before, it wasn’t just about us being together. I don’t want you to choose me only because you feel like you need me. I want you to… want me… to love me with a clear head. Just like what you wanted me to do. I want to give you the world, but only if you allow me to.”

You circle your arms around his neck, sighing happily, “You gave me the world, Hyunjin. You listen to me, you console me, you give me a shoulder to cry on. You’re the only one I’ve ever waited for, and I’m so glad that you came back to me.”

Hyunjin is sure that his whole system has stopped working, the words you just uttered feel like the strongest, yet the sweetest liquor he’s ever tasted. He is drunk on the love you offer; he’s drunk on your touch, your smile and everything you want to give him. You’re driving him nuts, completely nuts, but it’s the only thing he wants to feel. You are the only one he yearns to feel.

You seem to sense his burning gaze and start nibbling on your bottom lip. “So this is the part where you kiss me…”

“This is the part where I kiss you…”

You shake your head. “This feels weird. You’re my best friend.”

“You kissed me,” Hyunjin reminds you. “It’s not like we’ve never done it before.”

“No, but—” You pause to let yourself breathe. “I kissed you. This is different, I’m not going to survive you kissing me.”

“For the love of God Y/N, just—”

You point at your lips. “And I still have my lipgloss on!”

Hyunjin is caressing your reddening cheek now, trying to destroy the last bit of your defense. “And what’s wrong with that?” he asks softly.

“It’s sticky! Our lips will get stuck and it won’t be romantic.”

“So what do you want to do? Go into your room and wipe it off with a cotton pad or something?”

“Yeah, let’s do—”

Hyunjin doesn’t let you finish as he finally dives in, capturing your lips in a searing kiss that set both of you on fire. He hums when he feels your body relax in his hold, allowing him to savor you with so much longing and want. Hyunjin lets his heart take the lead, kissing you harder whenever you tug the ends of his hair and making him putty under your touch. It never feels enough, it feels like he only gets hungrier everytime you return his kiss, the feeling of your lips moving against his almost destroys him.

Nothing is stopping him now, he came back to you and you welcomed him with open arms. Hyunjin leaves one more open mouthed kiss on your lips before pulling away with a loud pop, taking in the sight of you trying to breathe. You slowly meet his eyes with flushed cheeks, eyes mirroring his own and Hyunjin tries to remember every single detail. “God I love you so much,” he hears himself whisper.

You smile, lifting your hand to trace his face delicately. “I love you.”

“Are you mine now?” Hyunjin knows this is childish, but he wants to hear it. He longs to hear it.

Thankfully, you’re willing to play his game tonight. “Only yours.”

“No more mourning over Jung Jaehyun?”

“Jesus Christ, do you need to stoop that low.”

“Yes.” Hyunjin pecks your nose. “He doesn’t listen to K-pop, right? Introduce him to me.”

You roll your eyes. “I love you, why the hell are we talking about Jaehyun now?”

“Then what should we talk about?”

“Since we’re on a competition to ruin the mood, lemme burst your bubble: my parents are moving back in next week so we need another place to do... this.”

“Okay,” Hyunjin answers. “What are we gonna do now?”

You wrap your legs around his torso, making him gasp. “I don’t know, kiss me again? I’m gonna tell you this just once, but I, along with thousands of other people, have always wanted to kiss you. It made me feel pathetic, but it is what it is.”

Hyunjin blushes, but refuses to lose to you. “You tried to make me not kiss you a few minutes ago and now you’re desperate to kiss me. Was I that good?”

“Hmmm I guess so,” you hum.

He swiftly lifts your body, grinning when you tighten your hold around his neck. “Well, I’m yours to kiss now,” he teases, trying to walk into room without knocking into things. You leave soft kisses all over his face, prompting Hyunjin to walk faster so he could just kiss you already.

When your back hit your bed, Hyunjin stops to admire your face. “I kissed you a long time ago, don’t you remember?”

Your eyes widen. “You? Kissed me? With those plush lips? When?!”

“You don’t remember? But it was our first kiss!”

You spend the next few minutes racking your brain before nodding. “Ah, it did happen a long time ago.”

“It’s okay, maybe you wanted to forget that moment. It was your darkest time, and I probably shouldn’t have done that.”

Shaking your head, you run your thumb along his lip. “Thank you for staying with me all these years.”

Hyunjin closes the gap between you once again, hoping to chase away all the sorrow inside your soul. You pull him closer, making him practically lying on top of you, feeling your chest rise with each touch of his lips on your skin. “Thank you,” a kiss on each of your eye, “for,” a kiss on the tip of your nose, “making me,” a kiss on your lips—this time he lets it linger, “dream,” a kiss on your chin, “again,” and a kiss on your neck.

It took Hyunjin so long to understand the world, and now he still hasn’t understood even half of it. But in the middle of his journey, he met you. He learned to dream, he learned to love you.

And he learned to love himself.

The door opens with a bang, revealing an incredibly panicked Hyunjin. He just finished training when he received a call from you, who said nothing but, “I won’t let you walk home alone.” You wouldn’t end the call throughout his way home, but refused to say anything else and almost making Hyunjin dash to the police station.

Hyunjin sees your shadow, letting out a small scream when he spots you lying on the floor in the dark. He runs to you, about to carry you back into your room when you stop him. “I feel like crying,” you rasp, choking on your saliva. “I can’t stop it.”

It’s been a month since your family left, and while you’re trying your best to be a big girl and live the way you always do, it’s not easy. Hyunjin lies beside you, eyes locked on the tears rolling down your cheeks. You never cry loudly. You never sob nor wail. You just cry silently, mostly in the dark so you can’t see yourself crying.

Hyunjin takes your hand in his, hovering over you before tracing your tears with his lips as if it can stop them. He pecks every wet spot, slowly getting to your lips. He leaves a chaste, barely-there kiss before wrapping his arms around you, whispering comforting things until you start falling asleep on the hard floor.

Hyunjin hopes you’ll allow yourself to cry however you wish to someday.

a/n: i was so happy writing this that i almost cried when i finished because i know i’m going to miss writing this one. this story feels so sentimental, happy and sad at the same time and probably that’s why i feel so attached to it. ive wanted to write this since last year, even before “give my heart a chance”. i always wondered what would happen after we reach our dreams and i hope you’ll feel a little better after reading this (especially if you’re experiencing the same thing). this story is a long journey, but i hope you’ll enjoy it.

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mrsgreenworld · 4 years

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Sen Çal Kapımı Episode 14 aka The 5 Stages of Grief

This week brought us another SCK episode which was in one word just good. I had a lot of problems with and while watching the previous episode last week. There were so many questions to editing and the overall pace. I am no expert but even to my untrained eye the episode this week was easier and more pleasant to watch. However, for all the things I liked (which I will get to very soon) after rewatching the episode with the subs I am also left a bit disappointed. But let's start on the positive note.

The things I loved / liked:

☑️ Edser: even with this inevitable doom over their heads they're gorgeous, aren't they?

I love the consistency of the way they hold hands - palm to palm, entwining their fingers; not sure if this is the writers' decision or it was Kerem and Hande's acting choice or it's completely unconscious - whatever, it gives me all the feelings;

loved the gifts exchange and the choice of the gifts was so Edser; I know that Serkan's gift wasn't the most original or symbolic but it actually showed how attentive and attuned to Eda he is; he notices what she likes; a small moment when Eda said that there's nowhere she could wear such a dress and Serkan just easily responded with something like "We will find somewhere to go so you can wear this dress" - made me swoon 🥰 ; and then Eda's gift to Serkan - simple, may even seem silly and not functional but it's so Eda; because just like that world lamp it carries a meaning, it makes us and most importantly - Serkan - smile and laugh;

the next very important Edser moment is at the office terrace when Eda was planting flower seeds; I am not sure I got it right (feel free to correct me if you are a Turkish native speaker and I got lost in translation 🙂) but I think Eda said those were rose seeds; even if those were the seeds of some other flowers it's still very symbolic because flowers in general represent natural beauty and something devine; of course each individual flower has its unique meaning which can also differ depending on the colour (take roses for one: ⚪ roses mean purity and holiness, 💛 symbolise wisdom and joy while ❤️ roses are the representation of passion and sacrifice); roses in general symbolise God at work, the scent of these flowers makes us think about powerful sweetness of love, which is the essence of God; I think love is the first thing that comes to mind when we think about or see roses; so if Eda was indeed planting the seeds of roses it's very fitting because, as Eda said it herself, that very place is where everything started, where her and Serkan's love story began; plus these flowers have a very special and personal value - they represent Eda's connection with and love for her mom;

I loved seeing Eda open up to Serkan about her family, tell him her real last name... although it was bittersweet because we know how this conversation only served to cut Serkan more from the inside;

and speaking of Serkan - oh my god, the way he was looking at her in this episode 😭 we have seen a lovesick smitten look on him before but it's different now; it's painful longing; it's almost like he was committing her to his memory, wanted to imprint her looking at him with smiles and love ; because he believes that he doesn't deserve any of it and once she knows the truth she will never look at him the same way ever again;

I loved a bit of light-hearted moment between Edser in Serkan's office when they discussed evening plans and Eda suggested going to the cinema; Serkan's reaction - 👀; our boy is so social phobic 🙈😆; I love how Eda is showing him and teaching him these simple joys of life which he, unfortunately, never experienced;

and the cinema date itself - perfect; Serkan Bolat actually eating popcorn? - the planet must have gone off its axes🤣🤣🤣 Serkan asking Eda to put her head on his shoulder - swoon; his small kiss on her head - double swoon; him noticing her crying and trying to wipe away her tears - triple swoon; and finally - after the film, when he said that he would love to have the kind of machine they had seen in the film, the one that could erase bad memories, and he would love that for her, to relieve Eda from the pain of her past - I officially turned into a puddle on the floor after this;

I absolutely loved that throughout the episode Eda was very much attuned to Serkan; she immediately noticed that something was off about him; however, she wasn't pushy, she gave him space and time, she was waiting for him to talk to her when he was ready; her noticing his injured hand within the first millisecond and not believing him when tried to make up something involving Sirius - her stern "Are you really gonna feed me this crap?" look was priceless and his immediate surrender was even better 😏;

comments about Serkan's magic hands gave me all kinds of dirty thoughts 🙈😆🤣

and finally - Eda kissing Serkan's neck; it may seem a bit bold because, I think, neck kisses are considered a more sensual kind of kisses but Eda made it not about passion and desire, she managed to turn it into a show of her deep love instead and also forgiveness for Serkan's earlier outburst;

☑️ 5 stages of grief:

Call it a coincidence but just this week, on Monday, I posted a fic featuring future Edser where I actually wrote Serkan going through these stages. Fifi mentioned them as well in the episode. And finally - we got to see Serkan at very stage in this episode. Of course in reality it doesn't go like this - in just one or two days. If only that were true. But we all understand that we're dealing with fiction here so the process had to be accelerated.

As Meredith Grey once said: "There are five stages of grief. They look different on all of us. But there are always five".

1 - denial: we witnessed Serkan's denial after seeing the documents that his parents showed him; even Aydan said something like this to Alptekin: "He's just found out about it, of course he's going to try and deny it";

the moment in Serkan's office when he said to Eda that they should run away, disappear, just the two of them - another attempt at denying, it's him trying to ignore this; the cinema date - a small fleeting moment of escape where they could be a normal couple enjoying a movie together, eating popcorn and cuddling;

2 - anger: the very first scene with Serkan and his parents when they came to check on him - he lost his temper and yelled at them demanding that they bring him the damn files because he needed to see everything with his own eyes; in that very scene he almost broke a coffee table but ended up smashing the world lamp that Eda got him; let's talk about symbolism here for a moment - Serkan's whole world is smashed into pieces right now, just like this lamp;

another small depiction of his anger - after his date with Eda he slammed his first into the poor coffee table and did break it cutting his hand in the process;

his passive-aggressive behaviour towards Efe and finally losing it and snapping at Eda;

3 - bargaining: the conversation with Eda at the terrace in the office and asking about letting go of the past and if she had ever considered forgiving her grandmother; him trying to talk to her - he even wanted to do this when they went to the cinema; him trying to make up for his shitty behaviour and coming to her house with flowers and every intention of telling her the truth;

4 - depression: there were small snippets of it - when he broke the coffee table and didn't even flinch; when he was sitting on the counter in the office and telling Engin everything; him walking out of his office after the terrace conversation - you can see the heartbreak written all over his face; him mentioning to Engin that this secret was eating at him and how Eda's kindness and goodness were killing him;

5 - acceptance: the first step I think was made during that fight when Serkan said to Eda that "loneliness is better for someone like him anyway" and then just walked away; in that moment he seemed resigned to this fate - of being forever alone; then of course overhearing Eda and Ceren's talk about Eda's grandmother; and finally - the breakup scene where Serkan was completely resigned, he had realised and accepted that there's no winning for him in this situation and in his mind he had chosen the lesser of two evils;

I believe that we will see a bit more of Serkan's resigned acceptance next week but in this episode I think we walked through all of the stages;

☑️ Engin: love what a great friend he is - he immediately noticed that something was bothering Serkan; he patiently listened to Serkan (also loved that Serkan shared this with Engin instead of keeping all of it to himself), genuinely empathized and said how both Serkan and Eda didn't deserve this shit; I also love that Engin urged Serkan to be honest and tell Eda everything and pointed out that Eda deserved to know the truth;

love how he doesn't let Serkan get away with anything, just like in that scene in Serkan's office - after Serkan's fight with Eda, in the evening Engin finds Serkan in his office and when Serkan says "don't say anything" Engin is like "sorry, bro, but I will" and he did tell him that it was a shitty thing to do - saying all those things to Eda; but he also managed to remain understanding and wasn't pressuring Serkan too much or yelling at him that he had acted as an a*hole;

also loved Engin's silent support to Eda after Serkan's outburst;

while I don't really care about Engin's romantic entanglements with Pırıl the moment during brunch when he basically shut Pırıl up by feeding her something was really funny 😆;

☑️ The Girls: loved the scene where Eda tells the girls that Serkan was going to Italy with her and how he had already bought a house and rented an office there; their genuine happiness for her and their support of each other never seizes to amaze me;

the scene in the evening with all of the girls lying in a circle and telling how their day had gone - another testament to how beautiful this female gang is;

☑️ a series of smaller moments:

Eda hanging a new picture of Serkan on the wall and drawing a ❤️ on it with a red💄- this girl is so in love 😏😁;

Eda / Selin ripping Selin's wedding dress together - a great bonding moment;

Melek showing Selin her support at the brunch;

Aydan tending to and dressing Serkan's hand and telling him her own love story - a nice mother/son moment;

Seyfi spotting Serkan's picture and the star certificate in Eda's room - his genuine happiness for Edser gives me life, he definitely is the captain of this ship 🚢💟🕺🤝💪😎 ;

I love the list of Serkan's friends: Engin (he's numero uno because he's Yoda Diggle 🙈😆), Pırıl and Sirius (btw, where the hell is Sirius??? Mom & Dad are fighting again, you better drag your ass over here so you and Seyfi can help them make up)

The things I didn't like / was annoyed with:

🚩Selin: I am not saying she has no right to be angry with Ferit; what he did wasn't nice but she was ready to dump him any moment and I am sure had Serkan whistled at her while she was at the wedding table, she would have run to him then and there; so I think she should get off her high horse and stop being so freaking selfish; she has to take responsibility for her own actions and instead of demanding something from Ferit (like leaving the holding, not coming to the Art Life office) try apologizing to the man for being a bitch of cosmic proportions;

the cutting of the pictures scene - way to go girl if that's your kind of therapy; but the moment when she stumbled upon some pictures of herself and Serkan and left them untouched - god, give me a break; still being hang up on the man who clearly doesn't love you and probably never loved you, the man who, as you claimed yourself, you were never happy with... I don't know but it wouldn't have hurt if the writers had made her love and respect herself a bit more;

what's with that face after having overheard the conversation between the girls in the restroom? she looked as if she had heard them bad-mouthing her while there had been nothing negative said about her and the focus of the conversation had been on Ceren and Ferit;

🚩Ceren and Ferit: the thing with them has been developing kinda unevenly; while I enjoyed their first meeting and running into each other at the office in the previous episode, in this episode there was too much of them and the tone of their scenes almost gave me a whiplash; Ceren's passive-aggressive behaviour over the phone and near the office was just weird, the brunch interactions - awkward at first and then everything ended with Ceren being all sweet and supportive 👀;

🚩while I liked the scene where Selin and Eda were ripping Selin's wedding dress together and didn't like how they ended the scene: when Eda saw the pictures of Selin and Serkan together; I know it's not pleasant to see the pictures of the man you love with his ex while at the said ex's house after having helped her rip her wedding dress... but it's not a good enough reason to turn hostile and cold; and while Eda was not hostile, the look she gave Selin made me think I had forgotten to close the window in the room 🥶;

🚩 Aydan: I know that her heart-felt story was meant to make her likeable but it actually made me understand her even less; for a woman who was in love, who fell in love with someone who wasn't from a wealthy family - and to give Eda so much crap how she was not the right fit for their family; of course that was something she said at the very beginning, in the first episodes but it still annoys me;

and that unspoken advice that she kinda sorta gave to Serkan - really??? what kind of advice is that??? maybe I got it wrong but did she actually advice her son to just carry this burden on his own? did she mean it was okay to disappear into thin air without so much as a goodbye???👀🙄🤯

🚩 Pırıl and Engin: while their bowling date was kinda cute I didn't like Engin's comment about him wanting to boast in front of his friends that he finally "got the girl" so to speak; and Pırıl's initial reaction to bowling was a bit extra;

🚩Efe: liked his new hairstyle, the man looked smoaking hot🔥but☝️he is becoming more and more shady; it's like he's doing nothing wrong, he's being polite and friendly, learning things about the staff and organising brunch but it seems like he's trying too hard and there's something behind of all this; also - I see what you did there with Ferit and all that shares talk, very subtle 🧐🕵️;

There was nothing I hated but there's something I was disappointed with:

💔 Serkan not telling Eda the truth; I understand the motives and we saw the struggle and how he came to this difficult decision through all those stages of grief; however, I feel disappointed that the writers decided to go down this beaten path; I think I had a tiny sliver of hope that they would surprise us so I was sorry to see this story becoming predictable like many others; this won't, however, stop me from loving these imperfect characters and this imperfect show; sorry not sorry but "Deli gibi aşık oldum" 😊😍

#sen çal kapımı #sen cal kapimi #sck #sck long post #sck episode 14 thoughts #edser #eda ve serkan #eda x serkan #eda yıldız #eda yildiz #serkan bolat

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