#need papers and no numbers i mean just by the amount given i can approximatively do anything

[jade-curtiss]

They did not like the fact i don't hm am as deconverted as they'd like (there is a reason i kept that one also like it's comfortable in summer, for real) but like, I mean, you give a talk on finances, people, interrupt you on...identitary politics. While I talk, to a trans girl. Who have trouble. With the cra. Cute. Paid all their drinks (hm person might find the name i mean i am rather common to find, otherwise my mom might forward her case and it'll be toll less, no need for sins or identification i mean if the cases matches, cases matches, but get your cash. But no. Pronouns. Matters.

[absolutepokemontrash]

The Demon Bros Play DND!

Who’s ready for some Stupid Headcanons?

So, the Satanic Panic of the 1980s claimed that the tabletop RPG known as Dungeons and Dragons had the power to turn your children into satanists and devil worshippers. So of course, the brothers have totally played DND after hearing about all the human world nonsense.

Lucifer the Back-up Back-up DM

He’s too busy to play this game dammit, stop inviting him! What do you mean both Satan and Simeon can’t DM the one-shot? Ugh... fine.

Despite all his UUUUUUUUGGGGHHH, Lucifer is a damn good storyteller, prepare to be immersed as hell.

Also, sorry guys, he’s a rule whore. If something’s against the rules, YOU AREN’T DOING IT.

He’s also a complete sadist who will randomly get everyone to roll perception checks for NO REASON.

Lucifer has definitely stood up and slammed his hands on the table while giving a description for extra effect, Mammon screamed and nearly fell out of his seat which REALLY ruined the mood.

“Everyone, we’re rescheduling, I’m too busy.”

He’s been a player a few times, and he’s NOT good at it. All his characters end up being really generic and boring. He’s better at being the world and everything in it, not the dummy wandering around it.

Human/fighter lookin’ motherfucker

In conclusion, he’s a good DM, but he’s probably too busy to play.

Over-Powered Self Insert (Mammon)

This game is for nerds! He’s not playin’, Levi!

Fine, his character is great and amazin’ and is also him. MC! What do these numbers mean-

Mammon’s the type of player to make his character a self insert and not take it too seriously, then get really REALLY attached as the campaign progresses.

He’s the type not to make a backstory for his character either, so go wild DM MCs!

He also both purposefully and accidentally metagames a whole bunch. Like dude, YOU know this, YOUR CHARACTER DOES NOT.

Shit he forgot his dice, can he borrow some?

“Okay MC, that’s five points of piercing damage.” “I RUN OVER AND HEAL THEM! I’LL SAVE YA MC!”

Mammon goes out of his way to save MC’s character long before it would make sense in-character to do so.

“Well, as your first man it’s my duty to save your character! You’ll probably be a blubberin’ mess if I didn’t...”

He’s not the best role player, but he’s also not the worst at it either. He tends to break character when things get too serious and he doesn’t know what to do.

Notes who? He came in here with one sheet of printer paper and it’s for doodling only.

He and Asmodeus start the tavern brawls. No question about that.

Theft is very common, he’s stealing from everyone, including but not limited to: the party, the royal guards, the dead enemies, the giant fuck-you dragon that Satan dropped in there to deter Mammon from stealing...

“I’m gonna steal that crown from the dragon.” “Roll stealth.” “Nat 20 BITCHES.” “Fuck you.”

If his character dies, may the Demon King have mercy on his greedy little soul because he’s going to mope about it for a damn long time.

Over-Powered Self Insert Again (Leviathan)

His character totally isn’t a self insert, shut up! He just looks and acts like an idealized version of himself!

He’s the one with twenty pages of character info and backstory AND the amazing commissioned art.

Levi has about 40 sets of expensive blue dice that he claims gives him the best rolls but an average session with him usually leads to roughly 10 crit fails.

While his luck with dice isn’t that good, he’s the player who will get as much out of their turn as possible, AKA break out the calculators and notes we’re doing some math.

His turn goes on for at least ten minutes because of all the shit he’s doing. When you finally think it’s over he goes “I still have my movement!”

Takes notes like a madman, every bit of lore and character info is being written down, meaning it’s a headache for everyone involved if there’s a continuity error because Levi WILL point it out.

“So you all head to the east, the great Valley of-” “Hang on, valley? In the second session you said there was a mountainous area to the east.” “Levi, shut up.”

Levi is the self appointed “guys come on let’s get back on track!” player, and whoever’s DMing is grateful to have him.

Levi is kind of the opposite of Mammon in terms of character seriousness, at first he’s taking everything super seriously and then as the campaign goes on he slowly loosens up and has some fun.

Out of curiosity one day he searches up a magical girl DND class and he’s ALL OVER IT. PLEASE LET HIM BE A MAGICAL GIRL NEXT CAMPAIGN-

Damn good at roleplaying, he’s carrying the entire in-character discussion until everyone else gets into it.

The Done With Your Bullshit DM (Satan)

So, this is the game that’s supposedly summoning him all the time despite the fact that he hadn’t been up to the human world since the 50s... what the fuck is everyone on up there?

It was the 80s, probably a lot of drugs.

When Satan DMs, you can only break the rules if it enhances the story... or if it fucks with Lucifer’s really boring character.

He will fudge dice rolls every once and a while, he also gets very attached to the characters everyone has made so he doesn’t want to perma-kill any of them unless they roll a DND quadruple natural 1 sin or something.

As attached as he gets, he isn’t above completely raging, killing everyone’s characters, and ending the session if everyone’s being annoying.

Don’t worry, your characters will be safe and sound next session once everything calms down... just don’t mention how Satan burned your character sheet right in front of you. It’s your fault if you didn’t make a second copy of your character sheet!

He’s pretty decent when it comes to improv when a player stumbles into something he didn’t plan out, but that’s not going to stop him from getting a little annoyed.

Though, if you somehow manage to get to the big bad too soon... yeah sorry, he’s got a way more dramatic fight scene planned, your player’s getting conveniently blasted out of there.

As a player, Satan is pretty decent at the game overall, but he tends to be a little aggressive if there’s an overarching mystery to be solved.

He needs to understand what’s going on! He doesn’t care if it upends the plot or it’s too early to find out! He needs to know!

His character is actually distinct and different from himself, Satan thinks it’s more interesting that way. All the books he’s read have made him a pretty awesome role player!

Satan’s notebook both as a DM and a player is filled to the brim, no detail is too insignificant to be put on the page.

Satan doesn’t fear dungeon puzzles... dungeon puzzles fear Satan.

“Are you all stupid?! This puzzle is so easy a four year old could solve it!”

I ROLL TO SEDUCE- (Asmodeus)

At first he didn’t want to play, he doesn’t play these kinds of games, sweetie. He’s too pretty.

When he’s finally convinced he puts a decent amount of effort into his character, but leaves the backstory pretty open.

Asmo would probably be the bard... right? No. He’s the warlock with the magic sugar daddy patron, and the warlock patron is spoken to as such.

“Hey baby... how’ve you been? Have I been good~?” “...”

Huh! Who woulda thought that all the bedroom roleplaying would transfer so well to DND!

Simeon is the only DM that doesn’t immediately shut this down, so Asmo will be extra inclined to play if Mr. Nice Shoulders is DMing.

When he gets really into it he buys a bunch of sparkly and very pretty dice, they bring him good luck in every roll!

Asmo has a fictional harem, no question about it. It gets to the point where Satan, Lucifer, and Simeon stop describing NPCs as attractive.

He’s rolling to seduce either way, he’s turned many an antagonist into a lover. To be fair, Asmo’s horniness has gotten everyone out of a lot of jail cells... so they can’t complain.

His notes consist of really random comments about the plot and the other players. It’s also COATED with doodles.

‘Wow, this character is such an asshole, I hope Belphie kills them.’ ‘Shit.’ ‘MC looks so cute when they play their character!!!!!!!! :D’

Poor bab forgets the rules a lot... it’s just too much to remember, okay?! How was he supposed to know that he ran out of spell slots an hour ago?!

Please help him, MC...

*Dice Cronch* (Beel)

Homeboy has been given edible dice, no question. He has also eaten the non-edible dice...

Beel goes to Satan for help with making his character, and he ends up really loving the character! :D

Problem is, he’s not that good at roleplaying... D:

“Can my character eat that person?” “Beel, no- you know what? Let me check what you’d need to roll to do that.”

I’ll save you MC part 2 electric boogaloo, but when it comes to Beel, the entire party is getting protected, no matter how little it makes sense in-character.

While Beel does take notes, a lot of them don’t end up being very important for later events. For example, he’ll jot down stuff about the layout in one room, but it turns out he didn’t take notes for the room that was actually going to be used for a boss fight.

He’s always nice to the NPCs, shame Belphie doesn’t show them the same courtesy.

Murder Hobo (Belphie)

Chaotic evil.

“Belphie, your character’s alignment is neutral good, remember?” “Fuck that, this guy’s annoying me.”

If Belphie doesn’t like an NPC, it’s up to the rest of the party to stop him from derailing the campaign and killing them.

He has space themed dice because cow-man likes space and thought they were pretty.

Notes? NOTES? You think Belphegor, the Avatar of SLOTH, takes notes? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA-

He’s drooling all over the notebook... ew. Someone wake him up and tell him it’s his turn.

He puts about 35% effort forth to make a halfway decent character, and approximately 4% effort to actually roleplay.

Belphie sleeps through important plot details so he’s almost always really confused. He’ll turn to MC and ask them to explain what he missed before not learning his lesson and going back to sleep.

Wake him up for the dungeon puzzles though, he and Satan love those.

“Okay, we can’t see what’s in the room because none of the conscious party members have dark vision?” “Nope, what do you do?” “...I shove Mammon inside and shut the door.” “WHAT?!”

Bonus! The Best DM (Simeon)

Our favourite angel has homebrewed this entire campaign and boy fricken howdy are these players going to enjoy it.

Simeon fudges the dice rolls to avoid anything too irreversibly bad happening, buuuuuuut he’s still a total asshole who does the random perception rolls to keep everyone on their toes.

Everyone gets a character arc god dammit, even if they don’t have a backstory, one will be provided!

He’s got a map, he’s got miniatures, he’s got dice and backup dice for the backup dice, he’s got DM notes for days!

Simeon could be a voice actor with the amount of character voices he can do, no one ever gets confused with who’s talking.

Did someone just uncover a massive bit of plot that was meant to be found out later? Good job! No harm done! Simeon’s DM improv is second to none, and the plot will adjust accordingly!

[libraford]

We interrupt the feral celebration of ousting an oligarch to bring you a story about Yeehaw and his Branch of Mystery.

  It has been a while since we last had some co-worker drama, but man- has it been a weird summer. I mean... we all had a weird summer in 2020, but I don't think I was really expecting this particular... flavor of weird?

 This is a story about Yeehaw, but it starts off with a story about Aggie.

 Aggie was someone we were excited to hire and part of our excitement was that it's rare to find someone with prior floral experience and we'd concluded at this point that it does no one any good to be picky about new hires in the middle of a pandemic. So finding someone who knew the difference between a carnation and a rose was a big deal for us.

 I say that in jest, but saying that we do 'on-the-job training' means that we've had to explain that yes- the flower in my hand that looks like a carnation is a carnation and not some other flower that looks like carnation but is not a carnation. Floristry is a very straightforward practice and for the most part a rose is a rose and a daisy is a daisy and if someone asks for those things, you give it to them.

 The hard part is, as always, making them look good together.

 Which is why we were pleased with Aggie- who previously did weddings for her friends and seemed to have a basic understanding of how to do things with her hands. We were happy to have her aboard.

 ... until you gave her criticism.

 She made her vases embarrassingly short, and if you tried to tell her how to fix it, she'd snap back with "I'm not DONE yet."

 She was done until you said something.

 If you gave her an order for two dozen white roses, she would take it upon herself to mix white and yellow roses together 'because it looks better.'

 It did not.

 Hashtag: #selftaught

 When a client asks for all white roses, there is likely a reason they asked for all white. Given that 90% of our work is funerals, it stands to reason that they are asking for all white because that is a traditional color for mourning. Working with a client means doing exactly what they asked for. Doing a wedding for your friends may get you high praise from people who trust you to work in the same aesthetic as them, but in a shop setting you are being paid to follow things to the letter. Doing so shows that you can follow directions, and they may come back next time.

 You don't know customer entitlement until you've been torn another asshole for leaving out a single rose.

 This seemed to never occur to her, and so criticism was a painful realization that perhaps she wasn't perfect at an art that was exceptionally susceptible to criticism. There were plenty of opportunities to make something in her own aesthetic, it wasn't like she was being stifled. There was a considerable amount of downtime where she filled the front cooler with her own creations- enigmatically giving each of them their own names like "Autumn Walk" or "First Snowfall." (This is not something that we do, on the whole.)

 Not very many of those sold.

 But I think what bugged me the most is that she only ever designed. She didn't take out the trash, she didn't answer phones, she never helped customers. She just... did flowers. Nothing else.

 Oh... and the chatter.

 "Do you travel? Oh, you simply MUST go to Bali sometime! You've never been to Asia? Well, there's nothing like achieving inner peace at a Buddhist temple on a mountaintop in Nepal. They have temples here in Ohio, but it's nothing like the real thing! You say you've never even been off the continent? Well, what are you waiting for? You only live once, you know!"

 Ma'am... we're in the middle of a pandemic. Ma'am... I only get paid so much...

 While trying to relate, I talked about my summer in Montana and she gave me the BIGGEST stank-face. "Montana? Ew, WHY?"

 Look, lady- I lived on a mountaintop next to an active, world-destroying volcano system. If that's not cool, I don't know what is.

 But thankfully, she only worked on weekends. See, this was her fun job. The job she does to stay social during a pandemic and flex her creative muscles while she makes money at her much more lucrative,but boring,HR job. So I only had to see her twice a month when I was manager on duty.

 Then she got fired from her weekday job and went full-time at the flower shop. Poor thing wasn't used to waking up at 7am every day. She was full of suggestions.

 "I think it would be easier for me if we only opened at like... 11am."

"Don't you think we should be taking proper photos of our work? All we would need is a nice camera and a soft lighting setup. Couldn't be much more than $1000."

"Oh I know! We should be doing inventory on tablets instead of writing things down!"

 Okay, you go buy those things then. It took her about a week of making those suggestions to realize that she wasn't real clear on how things worked around here and stopped. She became quiet, less enthusiastic about her 'fun' job now that she wasn't immediately the star of the show.

 Enter Yeehaw.

 We were excited about Yeehaw, too. He didn't just have experience with flowers- he had experience with a flower shop. He gave a good interview, he seemed like he knew what he was doing and was very passionate about flowers. He was definitely an entire hippie, but about 1/3 of all plant people are. Most importantly, we still had like three spots to fill left from our pre-Covid staff.

 Hired.

 There was an overlap of about a week where Aggie and Yeehaw worked at the same time. His work was... immaculate. Just... astonishingly beautiful work. You didn't even have to show him how to make anything. He just... knew.

 Well, Aggie didn't  like that much- we had only nice things to say about this new guy but all she ever got was criticism. And if we complimented him on something he made, he would give a little 'namaste' bow. And I could see her fuming with rage each time he did this.

 One day, she rushed into the back to take a phone call and any time someone went back there for a vase she would lower her voice as if keeping a deep secret. Twenty minutes later, she called Grandpa into the back as well to discuss something. Ten minutes later, Aggie left the building with her Live, Laugh, Love bag, looking pissed.

 "Where did Aggie go," I asked Grandpa.

 "She got a new job," she said. "Doing HR somewhere."

 "She didn't even say good-bye," Blue said, appearing unsurprised.

 And so we went on with out lives without really putting much further thought into Aggie, apart from the occasional 'you simply MUST visit Bali' line thrown in for bougie emphasis.

 Which brings us to the next part of the story, and that is Yeehaw.

 There are some details to know about Yeehaw that are kind of difficult to fit into a story neatly. Here is a brief list that may come in handy to know later.

-He lives with his mother.

-He drives a Tesla.

-He can afford the Tesla because he was in a terrible wreck that had him hospitalized, and a lawsuit was won.

-Because of this, he has two screws in his head at the temples.

-Unrelated, he has hair that goes all the way down to his back.

- And...

 "Grandpa, we need to tell you something," Blue said. "In private."

 Blue and Kali pulled Grandpa aside while Yeehaw slowly put together a funeral order. "Grandpa, there's no polite way to put this: Yeehaw is drunk as fuck."

 "He smells like whiskey," Kali said.

 "He's stumbling everywhere."

 "And he won't stop... burping."

 Grandpa paused. "There's something I need to tell you," she said, and she reached for a manila folder. "Yeehaw has something called... what's it called..." She leafed through the file and produced a paper, reading from it. "Auto-brewery Syndrome. His body actually produces alcohol anytime he eats bread or sugar. If he's drunk, it's because he can't help it."

 We each had a chance to go over the doctor's note, verifying that yes- that sure does look official. Everyone had questions, but it did answer the one I had about why he was sitting in the break room literally drinking peanut butter from the jar.

 So that was incredibly interesting and we no longer asked about the burping or why he was so slow.  

 However, the fact that he was so slow was extremely frustrating. Our average number of orders runs approximately 100 per-day. This can be eased somewhat when we have a full-staff with five designers- an average of 20 designs per person in an 8-hour day, 3 per hour.

 But it's a fine line some days, and if one person cannot keep up it turns into a struggle for all of us.  

 We did our best to accommodate. We gave him all the day-ahead orders so that we wouldn't be behind and he'd have all the time he'd need to make his gorgeous pieces.

 We were willing to make it work.

 A number of factors came into play one day, but most notably: Yeehaw's Tesla wouldn't start and he had to take the bus. So he was late.

 I think I saw him make one entire item in the two hours that we were in the same room. He went to lunch around 12:30, I took mine around 1:00. I saw him stumble back in from lunch, looking... out of it. Just... absolutely incomprehensible- mumbling, barely upright, his hair out of the bun, quite possibly sleepwalking- who knows?

 I saw him for that brief Sasquatch moment... and that was the last that I saw him that day. It was around 4:00 that  Grandpa asked the question:

 "Where's Yeehaw?"

 And no one had an answer. We all had places that we thought we'd seen him: cleaning the cooler, in the break room, heading to the bathroom... but no one had really... seen him since he stumbled back in around 1:30.

 We checked all these places.

 None of them.

 The person who actually managed to find him was Sarge, who noticed his feet sticking out from behind the bushes behind the building.

 "Huh," he said, presumably. He gave the feet a light kick and Yeehaw slowly sat back up. "Hey dude. You... okay, there? They're lookin' for you inside."

 Yeehaw mumbled something to Sarge and got to his feet, stumbling back into the shop without further interaction. He appeared into the workspace, holding a branch in front of his face for mysterious reasons. There were still twigs entangled in his long hair.

 "Where were you at," Grandpa asked, concerned.

 "Oh, I was in the bathroom," he lied from behind the branch of mystery. "I'm pretty tired. Is it okay if I go home?"

 Bewildered, Grandpa gave him permission to leave. It was soon after he left that Scout found his phone in the empty sink. "Who's trying to wash their phone," he asked in the loud manner that is characteristic of old white men. It rang while in his hand and one of our designers snatched it from him. It was his mother.

 "Hello," said the designer. "Yeehaw went home early, but he left his phone behind. Can you bring it home to him?" Mom agreed, she was just over at Trader Joe's anyhow.

 We thought, of course, that we were doing something smart and nice. Yeehaw's mom looks just about what you would expect the mother of a 30-year-old hippie that drives a Tesla to look. Grandpa, in a polite way, explained that he'd fallen asleep in a bush. To which Mom seemed neither surprised nor concerned about his behavior.

 "Okay. I'll be at Hallmark."

 Somewhere between the bus stop and Bexley, Yeehaw must have realized that his phone was not with him and so he came back looking for it. Despite his mother being literally in the same strip mall as we were, he seemed irritated that we'd taken the initiative to make sure his phone got to him.

 "Well, I bet if you just went down to Hallmark she'd give you your phone and probably give you a ride home."

 He mumbled something and then left.

 This seems like a decent place to pause, because him leaving the second time in the day should be the end of the story. However... at 5:00 in the evening there was still two hours left in the work day and from past experience... that is plenty of time for a lot of things to happen.

 The thing to happen was a phone call.

 "Hi, this is Jade from the main store. We've gotten... some... interesting phone calls. Is there... a... hmm... is there a dead body out in front of your store?"

 Pause.

 "We'll take care of it, bye."

 Who wants to be the one to poke the cadaver on the sidewalk? A volunteer from the audience! Ms Crowe: won't you come down?!

 I have had it planted firmly in my mind that Crowe certainly understands the concept of fear but does not recognize it. Apart from being one of our most reliable drivers, she is also a performer, a street medic, an activist, and most notably... a fire-breather.

 You have your hobbies.

 Point is- she's brave enough to check to see if the person laying on the sidewalk was dead or simply overdosed.

 As it turns out, it was Yeehaw- curled up in the fetal position with his arm covering his face.

 "Hey," Crowe said, poking him with her foot. "Heeeeeeey," she said again but more firmly this time. He moved, blinking in the evening the sun. "Buddy, you can't be laying around on the sidewalk. You gotta move on."

 Again, he slowly got to his feet. At this time, his mother emerged from Hallmark to see him talking with Crowe. A group of four people escorted him into Mom's car while he stopped every few feet to perform another 'namaste' bow.

 You think this is the end. But what have we learned?

 There's always more.

 He came in the next day as if none of this had happened. Conversation was difficult because we both desperately needed to know what the fuck happened and also did not want to trigger something. So we didn't bring it up. He apologized for leaving early: chronic fatigue syndrome, you know.

 Other places would have fired him, but we're a very forgiving workplace. Falling asleep on company time is not, in any way, the worst thing that someone has done at this location while still keeping their job. There was Sugar and her drugs, there was the dude that used the company van to pick up prostitutes (this was before my time), there was the guy that screamed at customers over the phone... it's a long list.

 The primary concern of our employers is whether or not you are a reliable person. If you routinely show up for your job and do the work, you're going to be okay at least for a little bit. And Yeehaw, for all his impeccable fuckery, at least showed up every day.

 We kept this at the back of our minds.

 One day, after the Day We Found Him In a Bush was behind us, one of the designers mentioned that they'd seen where Aggie works now. It was not in HR.

 It was our major competitor.

 Now, Grandpa knows this competitor well. She knows all her competition. It is the nature of a lot of florists to, once they've gotten sick of one place, move on to the next one and spill the beans on their operations there. So Grandpa gets the dirt on everyone.

 This particular shop was very regimented. You don't wing it- you follow the recipe as listed. He's been known to pick discarded flowers up off the floor and tell you exactly how much  money you're costing the company by letting it fall, to the cent. If you get so far as to make casket sprays, he will take your first one and chuck it across the room if it even looks like the stems are in there too loosely.

 This is what I mean about us being an easy place to work.

 Hashtag: #ohfuck.

 People come in and out of your life like that, in little ways. Sometimes you just have to have a little laugh at it. But what I thought was funny was that she felt the need to keep her new employer a secret, as though we would get jealous or tattle. Curious thing.

 Now that the glamour of Yeehaw's arrangements had worn off, we were starting to see more and more odd behaviors that didn't seem completely related to drunkenness.

 "Did you just fart?"

 "No, that was a spider barking."

 Amazing.

 Conversation with him was becoming... difficult. As I sat in the break room with my quick lunch and he drank soup out of a mayonnaise jar, he mentioned his area of study in college.

 "Cognitive Psychology and Hindu Philosophy, huh? That's an interesting combination."

 "Yeah," he said, funneling an amount of squash soup down his throat. "It'll take the rest of the world about 100 years before they catch up to where I am."

 I sat, posed in front of my beef and broccoli which I was eating with a fork, trying to process a logical reason why the rest of the world will be sleeping in a bush in one hundred years. "Uh... huh."

 This was followed by another thirty minutes of silence where I desperately wanted to know what he meant by that but didn't want to be the one to ask him.

 People will tell you that a hippie is generally an ineffective, benign kind of person who chants 'love love, peace peace' in a circle and consider that to be an action for change. But I can say with absolute certainty that I have met some downright egotistical hippies in my life. Those were lessons in bias- which I will have to save for other times.

 Eventually, Grandpa became frustrated with his slowness. We presumed that his speed of choice was a combination of his meticulous nature and his various ailments, but with the Christmas season coming upon us it was becoming much more than a series of symptoms.

 Previous persons who lacked speed were chatty, would play on their phone, or get distracted. But Yeehaw... Yeehaw simply moved like a tranquilized sloth. He slowly picked off each leaf, each thorn, each guard petal and took a minute for each action. He would put in his greens and then contemplate it powerfully for ten minutes before putting any flowers in... slowly.

 In the time spent doing this, I had already made something of a similar size and was starting on the second one.

 It was during one of these times that Grandpa finally said something.

 "Yeehaw, that spray is due in thirty minutes. Is there a way you can go any faster?"

 He looked up from his greens, held one carnation to his face, and said:

 "If you wanted me to move faster, you would pay me better."

 Let me start by saying that we do not get paid well. We don't. Compared to other flower shops in our city, we are probably the lowest-paid. This is something that the company is starting to work on with benefits and raises, but any amount of change takes time. (And its still better paying than when I worked in retail. But that's another book.)

 Yeehaw had been here for exactly one month. I don't know a single workplace that gives you a raise after one month and still lets you sleep on the clock without firing you. He knew what he was getting paid when we hired him.

 So anyways, he slowly grinds down our nerves to a very fine dust- burping, farting, falling asleep on his feet, staring intensely into space, talking about how much he should be making but isn't, bragging about his enlightenment, and generally just slowing down production.

 And then Grandpa had her well-earned vacation week. Blue was in charge for the most part and the week leading up to Halloween is generally pretty slow, so it was a good week for her to have a break with few mishaps.

 Eh... hehe. Yeah.

 Yeehaw... disappeared again. We checked the cooler, we checked the break room, we checked the bushes out back, we checked the sidewalk out front.

 He was in the bathroom.

 So we left it.

 He was still in the bathroom an hour later.

 We had one of the male drivers pound on the door to check on him. When Yeehaw opened the door to the men's room, there was a wad of toilet paper on the floor that he'd been using as a pillow.

 If I may pause here to explain- our men's room is disgusting. I have deep cleaned it several times only for it to become a germ-fest once more in a matter of hours. I don't ask who is peeing all over the floor because, honestly, I have no desire to know what grown man can't aim his willy in the right direction.

 So in order to fall asleep in the bathroom, you have to be willing to sleep in pee. During a pandemic.

 He reappeared in the workroom, put his apron back on, looked around at all of us still working and said: "Wow, it must be really hard to get fired here."

 It was at this point that Blue informed Grandpa.

 "Tell him that he's fired," Grandpa said, clearly 1001% done with this.

 "I'm not going to fire him," Blue said. "I don't think I can fire anyone."

 So she had the driver that found him do it, which was confusing for all of us. He ended up calling Grandpa to clarify. And by 'clarify,' I definitely mean 'beg for his job back.' A synopsis of the 20 minute phone call went like this:

 "What do you mean, I'm fired?"

 "Just that. You're fired. I'm tired of it, Yeehaw. You don't work here anymore."

 "Why?"

 "What do you mean 'why?' You spend all day making a total of three arrangements and then you wander off somewhere and fall asleep."

 "I can't help it if I have chronic fatigue syndrome!"

 "This is a physical job. If your body can't handle an 8-hour shift without falling asleep for two hours, this isn't the job for you. Tell me: where is that fair to the girls that you do 3% of the work while they pick up the slack and you wander off to sleep on the clock?"

 "I simply do not care about them."

 "You don't care that you're shoving all the work on your coworkers, and that's why you're fired."

 "I wish you'd given me a warning."

 "Tell me, Yeehaw: how many employers can you find that will allow you to sleep on the clock for two hours and let you off with a warning?"

 End of discussion.

 Now, you're probably wondering where Aggie comes back into this. Just hold tight, I'll get there.

 The Sunday after he was fired, he came in to pick up his paycheck. I was busy handling a minor emergency where one of our funeral homes forgot to order a spray and I had to make one as fast as I could. We held a brief conversation while I made the spray in a hurry.

 "I'm here to pick up my check," he said while I greened the spray and leafed through the paychecks simultaneously.

 "Here you go," I said, handing it to him without much fanfare. I presumed that he was looking for sympathy or some kind of followup or... I don't know. Sorry you suddenly care about your job?

 "So what are your next plans," one of the designers asked, trying to coax more information out of him while I did the work of three people.

 "It's kind of funny," he said slowly... as he did all things. "I've only ever been fired from flower shops." He paused, thoughtfully. "I think I'm going to go apply to the shop in Bexley that Aggie went to."

[imaginejamesandsirius]

Can you please write a fic where James is a rich,star footballer and Sirius comes in to work as his super hott personal bodyguard??? And then James starts crushing on him hard but Sirius is hesitant because he could lose his job over this!!!! Please please please write this... I am a biiiig fan of your work... God Bless❤️

"What? I don't need a bodyguard," James said. The very idea was preposterous. 

Coach glared at him, but the rest of the team was slightly more reserved in staring him down. The whole administrative team was there, from the head coach to the team's PR representative. "There have been threats." 

"So? I also got threatened when I was seventeen and nothing ever came of it." 

The team manager jumped in then. "This isn't a schoolyard threat made because you stole someone's girlfriend. Or- whatever," he said, fumbling a little-- as he always did-- when he said something thoughtless and remembered that James was gay afterwards. That being said, James definitely had stolen some girlfriends at school because it was the best approximation he could get for what attraction to women was. "These are extremely conservative people who want you dead and aren't shy about showing they're serious," the team manager continued. "Even if they don't manage to kill you, they could permanently injure you, effectively ending your career. Is that what you want?" 

James huffed, knowing that he was being a little petulant and not caring. "No," he admitted. If he'd been just talking to his mates, he never would've admitted it, but they'd all gotten together to sit him down and make sure he listened to them; they wouldn't have bothered if they weren't seriously concerned. 

"Then get a goddamn bodyguard," Coach said. "It won't be forever-- just until these people realise they have better things to do with their time than harass a popular footballer." 

"Fine." If James had known it would be this much trouble to come out, he wouldn't have done it. He'd just been thinking that he might like to date someone for real. He'd also thought about himself when he was younger and how he could've figured out that he fancied men before he was twenty sodding three if one of his favourite footie players had been gay (and out. He wasn't discounting the idea entirely just because they hadn't said anything.). "I don't know where to find one though." 

"We've got a list of possibilities," someone else said, handing James a sheet of paper-- for the life of him, James couldn't remember what she did, but in his defense, he'd only met her once as an introduction and then seen her in passing at the past six years of holiday parties. On the paper was a list of agencies, their websites, and phone numbers to contact them. There wasn't any mention of price, but it's not like James was pressed for cash or anything. Hell, he'd already reached his lifetime savings amount and didn't really know what to do with the salary he was still getting. Might as well use some of it to stay safe and pacify his bosses. 

*

James had weighed all his options and looked at all of the information he'd been given, and he still couldn't decide. He'd handed the list to Remus, and he'd picked one at random; James took his choice as a good decision and called the company up. They made everything so easy for him that he was beginning to think Remus had special choosing powers. From now on, James was going to run his decisions by Remus before doing anything. 

And then he actually met his bodyguard. He couldn't decide if this was better than before, or worse. Either way, he didn't think asking Remus for advice would really be the way that he wanted for his life to go. 

He was told that his bodyguard's name was Sirius, and they had a first meeting at the company to sort out a few details. If James was a smart person, he would've taken one look at Sirius and said, "Thanks but no thanks, can I get someone else?" But James wasn't smart. He was a dumbarse. A dumbarse that let his heart make decisions for him. Sirius was, in a word, gorgeous. He had a face that looked like it belonged on the cover of a magazine, and a smile that stopped James's breath in its tracks. He was sure that Sirius was good at his job, but James rather doubted his decision to accept him as a bodyguard. He wasn't going to be able to focus for shite. 

James explained the situation to Sirius-- the boring stuff, about why he needed a bodyguard-- and he didn't blink at him being bent. Either he already knew that because he followed football, he didn't care, or he cared but was a very good actor. James imagined that there was a certain amount of acting as a bodyguard, but he'd also like to think that Sirius wouldn't have accepted if it bothered him. 

James had been afraid that Sirius was going to walk slightly to the side and behind him and stay resolutely silent the whole time, but he carried a conversation alright as they walked to James's car. "I'm sure you get this all the time and you're annoyed with it, but why's your name Sirius?" 

The look on Sirius's face showed that he was very much used to the question, even though he didn't look annoyed by it. "Named after the star in Canis Major. Being named after stars is sort of a family thing." 

"Really?" James asked. He was instantly charmed. Sirius hadn't even put much effort into it, but James was head over heels after exchanging two words with him. 

"Mmhmm. My brother's Regulus, my father and great-grandfather were both Orion, and I've got a cousin named Bellatrix." 

"Wow. Your family must've been made fun of a lot when they were kids." 

Sirius snorted, and James looked at him curiously. 

"What?" 

"I wouldn't call any of us... well-behaved children. Got in a lot of fights." 

"Ah, and it led to you being a bodyguard?" 

Sirius shrugged with an easygoing smirk. "Might as well do something you're good at, right?" 

*

"It's total rubbish that they're putting McLaggen in before you," Sirius said one day after practice. 

"Right?" Then he paused. Sirius hadn't been around long enough to be so certain of that. Which meant, "I knew you were a fan. Why didn't you say anything?" 

"I didn't want to freak you out. You're dealing with enough right now that I didn't want for you to worry about your bodyguard fawning over you." 

"Aww, you fawn over me?" James asked, unable to help a pleased smile. 

"It's called knowing who the best is," Sirius said with a wink. 

*

"You don't get along with your brother?" James asked. Personally, he didn't have any siblings, but from what he understood, those relationships were often complicated. Lily, for example, cared about her sister even though-- as far as James could tell-- she was kind of an irredeemable twat that didn't seem to like Lily at all. 

Sirius shrugged. "He wants to like our parents, but now that he disagrees with them on everything, it's not easy. I keep telling him that his life would be easier if he stopped talking to them, but he feels all guilty about it." He rolled his eyes expressively. "I think he thinks that he owes them for them not being worse." 

"You both should get new parents," James said. "I volunteer my own." 

"I think you stop needing new parents when you're an adult." 

"Words that can only be spoken by someone with shite parents. Maybe you don't need parents anymore, but if Regulus is still trying to connect with them, it means he needs someone. My parents are great. Mum will probably see him smile once and then demand he come to Saturday night dinners for the next ten years." 

Sirius snickered. 

"Oh, I'm not joking," James insisted. "Lily and I haven't been together since we were eighteen, and she still comes over for dinner when she can make it." 

"Only you would be on such great terms with your ex that your parents would do that." 

"Bold of you to assume my parents wouldn't have done it whether we were on good terms or not. They blood adore her, and that didn't stop because we weren't dating anymore. I swear, they love every single friend I let them meet. If I introduced them to your brother? He wouldn't make it out of that house without them knowing his favourite dessert. He wouldn't stand a chance." 

"Maybe that's what he needs," Sirius said, sounding amused. "We'll have to set that up when this all blows over." 

*

James's first problem with Sirius had been that he was so gorgeous James couldn't think for shite. His second problem with Sirius was that he was an attractive person all around, not just in his face. Honestly, who had decided that someone should get to be that pretty and also be that funny? It wasn't fair to the rest of humanity. 

He'd never been shy, so he told Sirius that he fancied him shortly after figuring it out. Thinking a bloke was fit as hell was one thing. Actually fancying him was quite another. People were fit all the time, and James had never lost sleep over it. He knew he'd regret it if he sat around and pined after Sirius uselessly though. 

He told Sirius, and Sirius looked at him for a second, then blinked. "Erm. James, I can't- I could get fired for dating a client." 

"Right." That made sense. "I hadn't thought of that." He really hadn't thought about it, but who'd want to hire a bodyguard that had a history of hooking up with who they were protecting? Hell, the company could get looked into for solicitation if it happened often enough. If James had thought of that, he would've kept his mouth shut until the end of Sirius's employment with him. "Just... y'know, if you were interested, I'm probably not going to need a bodyguard for much longer." He'd checked back in with the admin team, and they'd said that by next year, he should be good. New information was popping up on people that James's despisers hated more, so they were starting to leave him alone. At least, that's what he'd gotten from the conversation even if it wasn't entirely accurate. 

"I know," Sirius said with half a smile. "I was there for that conversation, remember?" 

"I'd forgotten," James admitted, a little ashamed. He wasn't the best at paying attention to several things at once when he really cared about one of them more than the others. In that case, he ended up thinking about the one thing and trying desperately to pay attention to the rest. That day, he was pretty sure he'd been so focused on getting his life back to normal that he'd ignored Sirius, and even the talk about their upcoming game. 

*

"Bloody hell," Sirius said, one arm around James as he half-carried, half-guided him down the street so they could catch a cab. "I signed up to be your bodyguard, not your designated driver." Despite his complaining, he didn't sound upset, more amused. 

"You could be both," James said slowly, having to put more effort into his words than usual since he was sloshed. He preferred speaking Hindi when he was pissed; it was just easier than English. He didn't think Sirius knew Hindi though, and the only thing he wanted right now was to enjoy Sirius's company. 

Sirius laughed. "Maybe so, but I preferred just doing one." 

"Heeeey, you could do the partner thing soon." 

"I don't remember mentioning a partner thing." 

James licked his lips as he tried to remember what the phrase he'd first used was. "Designated driver. Only, instead of just dragging me to a car, we'd be getting sloshed together." 

"That does sound more fun." 

James was always talkative, but now that he was sloshed, he wasn't stopping. He really liked Sirius. He liked him for lots of reasons, but right now he liked that Sirius was encouraging him. He wasn't getting mad at James for continuing to talk all through the cab ride, or as he helped him up the stairs to his flat. "You're so wonderful," James mumbled. 

"Thanks," Sirius said with a laugh. He fished around James's pockets for his keys. James turned and rested his head on Sirius's shoulder, which did make it easier, but somehow he thought that wasn't what James had had in mind. 

"You're so pretty," he said, turning his face into Sirius's neck. 

"Thanks," he said again. "It's nice to be appreciated." 

"In all my life, I've never met someone that made me feel like you do," James said. 

"I don't know what you just said, but I'm going to assume it was complimentary." 

James nodded. He kissed Sirius's neck because it was there. "The prettiest damn thing I've ever seen." 

Sirius swallowed thickly. He didn't need to understand the language to know that whatever James said was something he would appreciate. The kiss sent tingles down his spine, and James's mouth was still resting close enough to him that Sirius could feel his breath hot against his skin. "As much as we would enjoy that, I thought we agreed to wait." 

"You're right. You're just so pretty," he whined. "It's really not fair. You should try to be less pretty; it would make my life easier." 

"You can live with it," Sirius said. He finally found the keys and put it in the door for him. He unlocked it and pushed the door open. James looked pretty comfy where he was, and it made shuffling him inside his flat a bit harder than getting him here had been. "C'mon mate, you've got to get in bed." 

"But you're not there," James said, sounding awfully petulant about it. 

Sirius chuckled. "No, but you'll get to sleep just fine without it." 

"That's what you think." 

"Love, you're drunk enough that you'll definitely pass out before the night's through." 

"Aww, you called me 'love'. No one's ever done that before." 

"Really?" 

James nodded again, but since he wasn't leaning on Sirius as heavily this time, he swayed a little. Sirius was still right next to him though, so he was able to keep him from falling over. "My last boyfriend called me 'babe' but I sort of hated it." 

"You do seem like you'd prefer the sweeter pet names. Sweetheart, things like that." 

"Feel free to call me sweetheart as much as you want." 

"I think I will. After I stop working on protecting you, that is. We've still got to wait, remember?" 

"What I remember is issuing an invitation that never got an answer." 

"I assumed you knew my answer. Or was I not obvious enough about my interest?" Sirius asked quietly. 

"I would say that subtlety passes me by," James said. "But I got it now, thanks. You sure I can't convince you to stay?" 

"Not while I'm working for you, and definitely not while you're sloshed." Sirius brought him to his room and took off his shoes when he collapsed back on the bed. "If you want to get undressed more, you're going to have to do it yourself, sweetheart," he said, then kissed James's forehead. "I'll see you tomorrow." 

*

The day for James to no longer need a bodyguard felt like it took forever, but he could grudgingly admit that it had been a good idea. None of it had been serious, but he was told-- by Sirius-- that that's because having a bodyguard was often a large deterrent. In his time as James's bodyguard, Sirius successfully intimidated several people and got physical with one. James would be lying if he said that it hadn't been hot to watch, but he also wasn't going to say that out loud-- it made him feel like he was the heroine in a teen adventure book. 

"So, do I have to take you on a date before I get to kiss you?" James asked. 

"I wouldn't want you to think I'm easy," Sirius replied with a wink. 

"You like curry? I know a good place." 

Sirius made a face. "I only like it from one restaurant, and it's all the way up in Wales." 

"Wait," James said slowly, a smile creeping across his face, "are you talking about Andi's?" 

"Yes, you know it?" 

"Bloody love it. I can't make the trip as much as I want, but if you're willing, we can definitely go up there." 

"I can think of worse things than spending time with you on the way to the best curry in the UK," Sirius said. 

*

James rented a car because it was easier than taking a cab that far, and it was definitely more private than a train-- which would only be able to take them part of the way anyhow. He wanted for them to be alone anyways, so that they could catch up on all the flirting they'd missed. Not to say that there had been a drought of flirting while Sirius was his bodyguard, but after they agreed to date when his contract was up, they'd tried to tone it down. 

They didn't have to worry about that anymore. 

The drive was okay, dinner was great, and Sirius snogged him for a bit after they got back in the car but before they drove back to London. 

"How the hell do you feel even better than you look?" James whispered, stealing another kiss. 

Sirius chuckled. "I was about to ask you the same question, love." 

[hitsuackerman]

Unpredictable (Overhaul x Reader) pt. 1

a/n: I have been struggling with writer’s block because all I’ve been wanting to do was write about garbage man Overhaul. I have no idea how or when my simping for this man began T.T that being said, the words came flowing out when I started this XD

warnings: cursing, subtle flirting, nothing much happens since its only part 1

links: part 2

Masterlist to my other fics: here :)

It was a rather fine Monday afternoon. Lazily drinking your coffee, you waved to the people who knew who you were. You weren’t part of the top ten heroes, no. Not even in the top 100 poll. Instead, with a quirk like yours, you chose to enter the police force. With a bit of training here and there, you mastered everything there was to and still managed to develop your quirk every two missions or so.

Now, you were sitting by the window. Waiting for your partner to arrive. He had called you in for a rather hasty meet up somewhere far from the precinct. With no details given, anything was possible when it came to Tsukauchi and his brain.

A blur of tan and green caught your eye. Turning to face the no longer vacant chair, you observed as he took off his matching hat and fixed his tie. His rectangular eyes greet you with sincerity but hints of anxiety at the same time. Something was about to happen, it was plain obvious.

“Well, good afternoon to you, Nao.” You gave him a cheers of your coffee before taking another sip. The bitterness of your beverage is ever so relaxing. “What can I do for my partner, hm?”

“You read me too well, (Y/N).” He chuckled. Taking a folder from his messenger bag, he placed it on the table and gave you permission to open it. The way he saw your eyebrows furrow only strengthened his hypothesis. “I can explain.”

“You bet your ass you need to explain.” You leaned on your chair. Heart racing a little faster now. Your eyes darting from the detective before you and the streets outside the window. Index finger tapping on your bicep as your arms instinctively crossed on your chest.

“I know this is familiar territory to you and I am sure that you are very much uncomfortable right now,” He began. The little shift in your seat caused guilt to eat him a bit. Seeing your eyes moving from one item to another made him question if this were the right choice. “But with considerable thought, you’re the only one who has a chance in turning this situation for the better.”

“Nao, I get where you’re going but there’s no way in hell I’m going to do that.”

“This mission is only up for 9 months. If you step down then someone else will take your place. With you being tied to the yakuza, the probability of having the time frame cut short is high.”

Ahh. The background-trump card. Of course the chief of police wanted to pull that off.

Before having entered the police force, you had been somewhat a part of the Abegawa Tenchu Kai group. Though the group had been put to an end, they had successfully managed to hide your father in a hidden pathway that none of the police had managed to find.

From there, he had slowly rebuilt it. Still enforcing the way of the yakuza, your father slowly came to realize just how little there was left of the yakuza. Secretly, he began to create ties with the police to ensure a bit of political immunity for his group. By the time you were born, things took a turn and the small organized crimes came to a halt.

When you gave him the news that you were joining the police force, he had let out a hearty laugh that echoed through the halls. Telling you it was ironic and certainly unexpected, he told you of the difficulties you would face but encouraged you the same.

“I know I’m tied up with them but having to fight another one would be difficult. You’re all too aware that the yakuza are a strongly knit group after they were disbanded one by one. Though I’m aware that the group mentioned is trying to take the lead, I would rather not be intertwined in a mess like this.” Your answer was stern but the look your partner gave you made things inconvenient. “Do not give me that look, Tsukauchi.”

“You won’t be alone in this. The plan is for you to talk to the Shie Hassaikai and use them as support for this one.”

“Lmao, what?” You held up your palm and shook your head with amusement. There was no way in hell you were about to create a bond with them. “D’you just hear yourself, Nao? Those people are whack and some are a lost cause already.”

“Overhaul is the current boss. Perhaps you can set a meeting with him and talk.” The way Overhaul came out of his mouth made him want to puke. It was a vile word, even for him. Yet, desperate times call for desperate measures. If low key teaming up with the Shie Hassaikai would put an end to the growing crimes the other group was causing, then so be it. “Just tell him that you won’t dig into his business.”

“You’re putting me in the hands of someone who could obliterate me in a matter of seconds.” You commented. Dragging the folder off the table, you tucked it into your bag and gulped the remaining amount of coffee. It’s taste now bland to you. “Wish me luck. I’m gonna be needing a lot of it.”

“I owe you a lot, (Y/N).” Tsukauchi thanked you while taking his coat and putting it on. Leading the way towards the exit, he opened the door for you and motioned for you to exit first. “Also, be aware that only a select group of people know about this arrangement.”

Rolling your eyes, you scoffed and waved goodbye.

Walking down the streets, your thoughts began to eat you up. If there was one thing your old man taught you, it was that the Shie Hassaikai had something going on beneath them. Of course, your father never gave any information as to what they did. All you could do was to respect his decision. He was still a yakuza after all. And despite what the people might think, the way of the yakuza wasn’t all that bad. At least when it came to morals of brotherhood, of course.

The screeching of tires caught your attention. A white carrier van came speeding through the road and took a rather sharp turn. It was probably 4 blocks from where you stood. You were off duty but still, trouble waits for no one. Cautiously, you jogged towards the location.

Not soon after, a small scale explosion made you wince. By now, you were running and saw the distressed people exiting the corner as a pillar of smoke started to climb towards the skies. Moving at fast speeds, you ended up bumping with a stranger with a black and gray mask on. His layered blue unbuttoned polo exposing his matching shirt. “Sorry, mister!” You apologized before turning around the corner. The look on his face was a little confused. You couldn’t blame him. Confusion was always part of the recipe of disaster.

You stopped running when you were met with dismembered and morphed bodies of the supposed to be criminals. Standing in front of you were 3 people. One with a large build, one who was slim but wore a hood, and the other with auburn hair. His dark green bomber jacket stood out due to the purple fur around the hood.

He seemed to be busy monologuing knowing he hasn’t killed you yet.

“And who might you be?” The voice seemed to be coming from above.

Not wanting to lose your sights on him, you watched as he turned around and faced you. His magenta bird mask on full display. His eyes still marked with the rage he had just let out a few moments ago. His golden eyes dug deep to your soul. It was scary to say the least.

Your heartbeat raced and your thoughts tried to come up with a logical explanation as to why you did not run away. When Overhaul took a step forward, you held your breath and opened your mouth.

“I’ve been meaning to talk with you, Overhaul.” Your eyes followed as his surgical covered hands began to adjust his mask. The twitch in his eye bringing you one step closer to death. “I’m from the Abegawa Tenchu Kai.”

It was amazing to you. How you casually stated you were part of another group. Feeling the air shift around you, the person who had asked as to who you were was now standing beside you. The beak of his mask a mere inches from your face. You wanted to glare at him, but the real threat here was the one right in front of you.

“It’s not safe to talk here. The police are coming and it’s pretty obvious you don’t want any more dirt on your hands, yes?” You began to walk backwards and motioned for them to follow you. They could follow you or they could just brush it aside and move along with whatever business they had in mind.

When the same person who had been beside you just now talked to Overhaul, it was now clear who he was. Chronostasis. One of his indisposable pawns. You’ve heard of the stories surrounding these two.

“You have approximately 5 minutes to decide before they arrive.” You informed them. “I’ll wait in the corner in case you want to hear what I have to say.”

When a minute had passed, you were now face to face with the leader of the Shie Hassaikai and his companion. He probably let the rest go on ahead. Good. At least he was curious as to what in the world a random person would want them for.

“Speak before he changes his mind.” Chrono threatened you.

Unwavered by that, you began to walk. Thankfully, the sidewalk didn’t have that many people.

“I need your help. The Fukuo Kai group have been getting restless.” If they were still updated with the inside news, you hoped you wouldn’t have to explain the details. It was too tiring and time was of the essence.

“Who exactly are you, woman?” This time you heard his voice. It was oddly intoxicating. He was careful but made sure not to show it.

“I’m sure you can do a background check on me. I have no way in stopping you, I’m all too aware.” Rummaging through your bag, you took out a pen and paper. Jotting your number down, you handed it to Chrono. If the stories were right, he would freak out if you were to touch him. “If you want to talk about this more in your office, feel free to hit me up. But, no to kidnapping. It’s tiresome.”

Overhaul just stared at you. Calculating what to do next. Or how this would benefit him. Yes, he would surely ask some of his men to follow you around but with you being tied with the Abegawa Tenchu Kai, it was almost certain that you had henchmen following you around. Looking over at his masked companion, Chrono immediately understood that a background check would be done the moment they would step into the grounds.

“2 days. If no call, I’ll move on to the next people on my list.” You gave them a quick bow. There was no need to but he was who he was. The rumors being spread about him and his plans were most probably true. He at least deserved a half ass bow from you.

Knowing it was more than enough contact, you turned to the next corner and made your way back home. All too aware that the possibility of being followed was all too high. There were two ways you could go, you could go to your apartment or go home. None of that surely mattered with who he was and what he was capable of. Letting out a sigh, you went with the former.

By the time you arrived in your unit, you flopped on your sofa and threw your bag to the coffee table. Sinking further and further down, you flailed for a few seconds before composing yourself. Leaning towards your bag, you took out your phone and began to dial up a number.

“What can I do for you, (N/N)-chan?” The voice over the phone said.

“Is dad busy?”

“The boss is currently out of office. He’ll be back in a few hours. He shifted in his seat and felt a tad antsy. “Is something wrong?”

“Nah. Just miss the old man.” Giving him a chuckle, you sat straight up and pulled your bag closer towards you. Shuffling through the mess as you took the folder out. Placing it on your table, your eyes began to wander and skim through the pages. “Anyway, I gotta go. Tell him to call me back.”

When he gave his reply, the call ended and you immediately began to read the information more closely.

Hours had now passed and you ended up crashing on the couch. By the time you woke up, the room was now dark save for the city lights illuminating the walls softly. Stretching your limbs, you stood up and turned the lights on. It was painfully blinding but you adjusted quick enough.

Checking your phone for any messages, you tossed it back on the couch and grunted. Zero. Nada. Zilch.

With nothing else to do, you decided to get started with dinner.

Pasta and wine. That’s what you craved for. Not sure why but all the contents were now laid out before you. Preparation time would take around 30. Nothing too long or too fast, just right. Starting the labor, you began to heat up water in a pot and began to prepare the sauce.

Moving in a trance, the sound of your phone ringing caused you to jump. Wiping your hands clean with a tissue, you jogged towards the living room and stared at the unknown number.

‘Shit.’ You mentally prepared yourself. “(L/N) speaking.”

“I have been thinking about your offer.” He said over the phone. His voice a little muffled due to his bird mask, at least you presumed. “However, I would prefer if we talk about this in person. I would hate it if your phone was bugged and such.”

“What time are you free?”

“2 in the afternoon. I am aware that you know where we are located.” He replied. A tiny voice seemed to be yapping about in the background. The small voice seemed to stop and Overhaul continued. “If you’re late, then you’ll have to go through your list of people.”

Before you could respond, he ended the call. For someone who was rumored to be antisocial, he sure had a knack of being sarcasm. Who were you kidding, that wasn’t sarcasm.

Walking back to your kitchen, your mind was out of it as you continued making dinner. Your foot began tapping your tiled floor. What would happen tomorrow? Sure, you knew where they were situated but to be inside their headquarters? A chill ran down your spine.

In the task force, you were one of the people who were experts on reading people. Yet, the Shie Hassaikai leader was one person you would rather not read into. Sociopaths were usually textbook people but for someone who was whispered to be an antisocial sociopath? Your mind couldn’t comprehend what goes through his head.

Safe to say that you did not enjoy your dinner.

Time was now moving fast. In the blink of an eye, you found yourself at the gates of their headquarters. Last night, you fell into such a deep sleep that you barely had enough time to dream. With only another cup of coffee to keep you going, you knocked on the wooden gates and waited for entry.

The gates opened slightly. You were met with a random thug who didn’t wear a mask. He was wearing plain simple clothes but the look on his face told you he was definitely not happy to see you.

“I have some business with Overhaul.” You said plainly.

“Oh so you’re that woman.” Opening the gates a little wider, he watched as you entered. “Follow me, missy.”

The headquarter’s building was designed similar to your home. Traditional Japanese interior when you made your way through the front door. The tatami mats lined on the floor while the shoji screens littered every few steps.

The walking stopped and you were now face to face with Chrono. His mask present and his hood kept his hair hidden. The man who led you quickly bowed and left without looking back.

“Not the traditional meeting room?” You tried to joke. Met with only silence, you told him you were ready and he began to walk down the dimly lit path. Tailing behind him, you took note of the turns you had to take. For a while, it began to confuse you and realized that the sole purpose was for that.

It went on for quite some time before the halls were now lit properly and a double door was now facing you.

“Do I knock? Or do I just barge in?” You turned to be face to face with Chrono. A smirk landed on your face when he let out an unamused sigh. Before you knew it, he leaned and opened the doors for you.

Making your way inside, the decor of the room was nothing much. Two sofas parallel to each other with a table situated in the middle. A banner of their insignia hung proudly on the wall. Sitting on one of the couches was the reason why you were even down here.

Without his obnoxious bomber jacket, you had to admit that Overhaul looked pretty damn fine. Clean and proper. Taking a seat on the empty sofa, you leaned on to the back and shrugged your shoulders.

“Well, what do you wanna talk about?” You decided to start the conversation. In a way, it calmed your senses since the silence was deafening.

“What do I get in return?” His elbows rested on his knees. Tilting his head a little bit, he squinted his eyes ever so slightly. The horrible lighting of the room somehow made the golden trimming of his mask shine.

“You get to take their rank. You’re aware that the Fukoa Kai are pretty up there and surely you would love to have additional men behind your back.”

“And why would a police officer like you want to ask help from people like us? That’s a bit ironic now isn’t it?” Not a single movement save for his occasional blinking. “I’ve heard stuff about your lot. And it would definitely make things a whole lot easier. Besides, the chief of police saw it amusing by using me as a bridge. You’ve done your background check I presume?”

“(L/N). Daughter of the man who reestablished the Abegawa Tenchu Kai group from the dirt. Top ranking police officer despite having been born with the yakuza way.” He began to relay out. “Political immunity granted due to the old man pulling a few strings and helping the force every now and then. Such a shame his goal was patterned like that .”

Years of hearing that, you were now immune to those choice of words.

“If it calms your clammy hands,” You retorted. His eyebrows jumped a bit at how you raised your voice. “Only a few select people know about this. We plan to keep this on the low hence me meeting you. You won’t be meeting any of them, save for maybe one. But other than that, this would surely benefit you more than it would for us.”

“Tell me, (L/N).” He was now leaning on the back of the sofa. His head craned back to rest as well. You couldn’t help but wonder how heavy that mask was. Or what he was hiding underneath it. “Do you play shogi?”

Not expecting the question, you couldn’t help but giggle ever so slightly. Making sure that your hand partly covered the smile you were holding in. Tucking in a loose strand of hair, you lifted your chin and responded.

“I do but I’m not the best at it.”

“If I am satisfied with how you play, then we will commence whatever plan you have in your head.” He motioned for Chrono to get the board. “But, should I win, you have to add a few more privileges for my participation.”

“I’ll have to…” You had to cut yourself. Coming to a conclusion that your chief would surely decline it, you would just have to face the consequences of it later. “Sure.”

Watching as his companion laid out the board, you took the opportunity to observe what you could with the man sitting in front of you. His shoulders were broad and his face smooth. His eyebrows were quite unique as well. His lower lashes were eye catching, no doubt. Though his eyes were the money shot though. The dim lighting did no justice to the golden hues he were gifted with.

When his eyes met yours, he raised an eyebrow. You raised one as well. Furrowing his brows, you merely blinked lazily. Squinting your eyes, they slowly traveled down to his shoulders. Realizing that you were clearly checking him out, you jolted your sight once more and met his. The staring game was always fun for you knowing you don’t chicken out. When Overhaul finally broke connection, he gave you the liberty of ushering the first move.

The only sound that now echoed the room was the sound of your pieces being put into place. It was a rather intense game. For a while, he had managed to snag some of your powerful pieces but you managed to turn the table around by taking his as well. Chrono stared intently at the game. Seeing how his boss was now playing with his hundred percent was something he had not seen in a while. Looking at you, you were unfazed by the pressure of playing with the boss.

Little did they know that behind your poker face, you were panicking. The moves left were slowly depleting and you could only go on for a few more minutes. It was too obvious he was enjoying this. Deciding to play on defense, you picked up a tile and placed it where you intended it to be.

This exchange of moves went for a few more minutes before you finally saw the opportunity to grab his king. By now both of you had practically an equal amount of each other's soldiers. Though it would require you to sacrifice three pawns, the feeling for victory would probably be within reach in 5 moves.

5 moves later, you finally leaned back on the sofa. That had been one of the longest games of shogi you had ever played. Mentally, you were drained and hungry. The effects of the coffee had worn down 16 moves ago and you wanted to stuff down a hearty burger before you head to the precinct.

“When will the operation start?” Overhaul asked as he still stared at the board. Processing how he had just lost. Yet, he had to admit that your final moves were brilliant.

“I’ll give you a call.” You tossed the piece and he caught it with ease. His eyesight never tore from yours as he placed it back on the board. “But, I am in a rather good mood. The only add on I can give to you is that no snooping around will happen. Whatever it is you have planned in this maze of an office you have, I’ll have nothing to do with it. I’m here for one purpose and one purpose only.”

“Then so be it.” He accepted the offer. “If there’s nothing else-”

“How heavy is your mask?” You blurted out.

Both men in the room were rather speechless at the sudden question. Even you were surprised. That had simply been a thought but your mouth seemed to move faster than your brain could comprehend. Perhaps it was the hunger taking over.

“You don’t have to answer that.” You looked away and stared at their banner. Shame and embarrassment creeping into you. “But, yeah. There’s all there is to it.”

Once again, you were back to the winding halls. You didn’t bother memorizing the area knowing full well you were bound to go back. When the traditional walls were within sight once again, all you could think of was the exit and the nearest hamburg shop.

“What’s your quirk?” Chrono suddenly asked.

“Thought you’d already know by now.” You replied.

“It was marked as classified information no matter how deep we dived into the systems. Did you pay for the secrecy?”

“Nope. Well, maybe.” You were now facing the entrance. Chrono was still waiting for an answer. “I’ll tell you when the time comes. But, it has something to do with health. So if it makes your boss any less worried about the germs I carry, I’m clean.”

Waving a farewell, you walked and exited yourself away from the building.

Taking your phone out, you searched for the nearest hamburg store and began to walk your way. It was only a few blocks away so it wouldn’t hurt to exercise your legs. Glancing at the time, you were shocked that 2 hours had passed in that meeting. It felt too fast but perhaps it was the shogi that took up most of the time.

Realizing that you had to send updates to your partner, you searched for his contact and hit dial. He answered after the second ring.

“Yes, (Y/N)?” The typing of his keyboard was evident and you recalled just how many other cases he had under his care.

“It’s a done deal. But, I had to cave in with his one demand.” Letting him digest what you had just shared, you heard the creak of his office chair. A sigh followed after. “We are not to meddle with his affairs. One purpose and that’s it.”

“Well, at least it’s not much. And another team is currently doing that as well. Still, as expected from my partner.” He praised you. “How’d you do it?”

“I beat him at a game of shogi.” You couldn’t help but smirk at the memory of him realizing he was in too deep to pull himself out of the corner. “Anyway, I’ll be eating lunch. Want me to bring you something?”

“Daifuku will do.”

“Got it.”

Ending the call, you scrolled down through your contacts once more. Hitting up the dial button, you finally arrived at the food chain. The ringing still killing your ears. When the waitress handed you the menu, you were put into voicemail.

“Gei. Pick me up when you get this.” Placing your phone on the table, you called the waitress and told her your order. It would take 15 minutes for your food to arrive and that meant you had 15 minutes to dig around what you could about Overhaul.

Scrolling through news articles, there wasn’t a lot of coverage about him. As expected from a young yakuza member. How old was he anyway? Remembering how you asked him about his mask, you face palmed and scolded yourself.

The screen changed and Gei was calling you. A smile found its way to your lips. “Whattup girrrl?!” Your friend greeted you. His voice pitchy as always and you were positive he was moving his head with every word.

“Just finished a meeting with someone and was wondering if you wanted to crash by my place tonight?”

“Say no more boo. Imma bring some chips, a tub of ice cream, and the glorious wine!” His happiness was contagious. With such a tension filled job, it was a miracle Gei and you became friends. “What’s the occasion baby girl?”

“Uh, just the usual.”

“Ooh~ Is this a red wine situation or a moscato problem?”

What kind of problem was it anyway? If you replied red, it would mean work trouble. If you went with moscato, it would be a mix of work and relationships.

“I guess both?”

“Well! Lemme take my purse and rush to the convenience store! You better spill the beans (N/N).”

“I will~” You said farewell and he made sure to send kisses over the phone. Ever so flamboyant, your friend was. Yet, despite his personality, you knew that Gei would always be there for you no matter what. Of course, with him being your loud best friend, it was a given that you would do anything for him as well.

Your food was now served and you downed it in just 10 minutes. A new record, if you said so yourself. Wrapping things up, you took the daifuku and went your way towards the precinct. Wishing you had taken your car, you called for a taxi and took a quick nap.

[toribun]

αγάπη

Words :: 6,6k

Pairing :: idol!/soulmate!Jimin x soulmate!reader

Warnings :: swearing, talk about social anxiety, some bad talk about chimchim, a mention about becoming lesbian, future angst, future smut.

CHAPTER 2

the phone call with your mom was definitely the most stressful phone call you had to take in your life. It was even worse than the time you almost sat the whole apartment on fire when you tried to make your friend eggs and bacon for her birthday breakfast. 

She had gotten worried demanding that you gave her your soulmates whole name and the number to Mrs.Kim. You knew you couldn’t give her that though. It would only make matters worse. You loved your mother to death, but she was a bit aggressive when it came to her children. You knew if you gave your mother Mrs.Kims number that she would lash out and probably be sued by the company because of harassment. And you knew she didn’t have enough money saved up to pay for compensation or a good lawyer.

You hadn’t slept much that night. You were too nervous about the meeting with Mrs.Kim and about your neighbor’s reaction to you having visitors. You were supposed to lay low, but everyone in your town knew you never had people over. you were kind of known in town as the young girl that wasn’t capable of making any friends.But most of all you were nervous about how many people Mrs.Kim would bring with her. She said she would bring a full security team. How many people is that? Would they just stand outside your house all day? Because that would definitely bring you an unnecessary amount of attention from your neighbors. 

You hadn’t read anything more about Jimin in your letter nor have you searched for any information about him or his company on the internet. You figured that you would be better of going in the blind about him as much as everybody else does when they get matched. You didn’t need to put more pressure on yourself than you already have. You had started to worry about how he took it when he found out that a girl that works as a bartender and barely made enough money to pay her bills was his soulmate. He must have been so embarrassed. Maybe that why Mrs. Kim and a whole fucking security team were on their way to you at this very moment. Maybe their job was to hide you from the media because Jimin didn’t want anyone to find out about his poor and unsuccessful soulmate. 

Okay... relax (y/n), no need to make yourself hate the guy before you had even been introduced to him. Just take a chill pill. 

When the clock hit ten you heard a knock on your door. A woman, probably in her early thirties was looking at you through your glass door as you walked down the stairs. She had to be Mrs.Kim. Four men all dressed in black was standing on both sides behind her.

When you opened the door, it took approximately five seconds before the lady and all the men had taken off their shoes and made their way into your house. Two of the men dragged your curtains over the glass doors before they turned around with their back to the doors. Then they bowed and said something in a language you didn’t understand. 

You didn’t say anything back nor did you bow back. Why did they bow? That’s so weird. Where you suppose to bow back, or would they think you look like a desperate foreigner trying to fit into the group. You figured a smile would be the best thing to do. You tried to give them the friendliest smile you were able to pull off, to try to make a good first impression. You didn’t want them to think of you as rude.

When you turned around to face the rest of the strangers, one of the men was on his way up the stairs. The woman and the last man of the four were just standing in the middle of your living room. They had smiled as soon as you had turned toward them. They bowed to, but the woman not as low as the man. 

“Hello (y/n), it’s so good to see you in person instead of just talking over the phone. We apologize for rushing in so fast, we didn’t mean to frighten you.”

Yeah well too late for that Mrs.Kim. You shouldn’t have closed the curtains if you wanted me to relax. Now it just looks like you have a mafia boss on a visit with a plan to torture and kill you. You were almost afraid that one of your neighbors would call the cops on them. 

“Ah.. yeah.. umm...hi... I am (y/n), but you probably already know that. I mean you wouldn’t barge in here if you didn’t know who I was” 

Mrs.Kim laughs. She had a beautiful smile. Pearl white teeth and a little dimple, only on her left side though. Her eyes almost disappeared completely when she laughed, you could only see a little gap in her eyes where beautiful dark irises poked through. She had to be the most beautiful woman you had ever laid your eyes on. If you hadn’t just gotten your soulmate letter you would consider going lesbian for that masterpiece of a human being. 

“No, we certainly wouldn’t. We have all just been a little on edge since we left Korea. Seeing that all your curtains were left completely open for all your neighbors to see just made us a little nervous. It is our job to keep your privacy private from now on after all. And I can promise you that I take my job very seriously as you probably will notice in the next couple of days. I will do my absolute best to protect you (y/n).”

She bowed again, this time a little lower than the first. Then she walked a little closer to you.

“Ah.. so, me and my team haven’t introduced our self’s properly jet. I can start with myself. As you already know I am Mrs.Kim. I have worked for BigHit for almost six years now. I started working as a secretary for a lot of the high profiled people in our company until I got switched over to the security department two years ago. My job for the last two years has been to plan for the arrival of the soulmates of our idols. Now I have been given the position as head of security for you (y/n). I truly look forward to working with you.” 

She shakes my hand and smiles again. Then she turned to look at all the men around your house.

“And some of these men are going to be your personal security guards. Not all of them though, we just brought a little extra to ensure that everything runs smoothly for your journey to Seoul. The next couple of weeks is really going to determine who is gonna stay with you permanently. We will see who you get the most comfortable with and them pic two out of that. We also made sure that all of the security personnel assigned to you are capable of speaking English fluently so that we don’t get any problems related to communication.” 

Wait... If they are all fluent in English, why the hell did they speak another language to you just a couple of minutes ago then? 

“We have Junseo, Seurong, Yucheon, and Hyun. All of them have worked with the company for more than five years. Junseo is actually one of Jimins guards. He has worked with bts since the beginning. Jimin trust him more than any other guard working for us, so he specifically asked for him to join us on our travel to make sure that you were taken extra good care of.”

 They had all smiled when Mrs.Kim said their name and said cute little Hello’s and hi’s in return. Junseo’s ears and cheeks got all red when Mrs.Kim had talked so well about him. You could already tell that he was too pure for this world, how is this blushing mess a security guard? You just couldn’t wrap your head around that. You just wanted to give him a hug and tell him how adorable he is. He probably wouldn’t appreciate that though. He is a grown man after all. You did hope that you two could become friends in the future though. Maybe you could take him out for ice cream someday. He seems like a guy that would like stuff like that.

Mrs. Kim said a couple of words in what you assumed was Korean before all of them except Junseo went outside again. She sounded so French when she talked English, but looked and talked Korean. You were confused. Maybe you were just absolutely horrible at telling apart accents.You were all just standing there so you asked them both to take a seat on your couch to get a more comfortable atmosphere. They happily obliged, you took a seat in the beanbag tucked in the corner of the room. It was silent for what felt like five seconds before Mrs.Kim opened her mouth again. 

“I actually really need you to take a look at these documents with me (y/n). The CEOs of BigHit have required me to present this to you before our travel tomorrow. It is documents regarding your future in the company. Unfortunately, you don’t really have a choice of being a part of the company or not. Not only because of Jimin’s contract with BigHit but also his line of work. But they have tried to make it as fair as possible for you with this contact.” 

The previous big smile that decorated Mrs.Kim’s face had become smaller as she kept talking. You had already tried to prepare for worst-case scenarios, so keeping calm wasn’t as hard as you had first thought. It made sense to. Everybody knows that if you get matched with a famous person that you are basically bound to both them and their work for the rest of your life. You felt bad for the ones that had found at who they were only to have it all be ripped away to become a personal healing bag for their famous soulmate. 

You were also kind of happy though. Everyone in your life seems to know exactly who they are. What work they wanna do, their personality, what their style is, and what their dreams and goals are. You honestly didn’t know anything about yourself. You still haven’t found out who you are or what you want to do with your life. That was a good thing now though. Because if you don’t have anything to lose then people can’t take anything from you. 

But why did they ask for Mrs.Kim to show me the contract now? Why couldn’t we just do that after arriving in Korea? 

“He has requested you to show them to me now? Why can’t it wait until we have arrived in Seoul?” 

Mrs.Kim nodded before looking down at the stack of paper in her hands. 

“Well, even though they know that you wouldn’t run off to another entertainment company and ask for a job. They just need to make sure. Have it in black on white you know. It also is to make you more relaxed. In the contact that they wish for you to sign is a promise from them as a company. They want you to know that they are going to protect both you and your loved ones from the media and the fans. It is also a promise from them that they are going to give you work if you wish to and pay you even if you decide not to. For them, the most important thing is to know that regardless of where Jimin is or what he is doing, that you are going to be right beside him. They know that an idol can’t work without his or her soulmate after the bond as started. They need you to be around so that Jimin can keep working.”

“And in return, I give them what? All of what you just said sounds too good to be true.” You said. Your voice confused.

“In return” she continues. “In return, you give us your absolute loyalty. It really isn’t anything more than that. This isn’t a contact meant to screw you over (y/n). We know how bad it can all end if an idol doesn’t have their soulmate around twenty-four seven” 

Junseo had made his way to your kitchen, probably to give the two of you some privacy to discuss this. It had to be a little uncomfortable just sitting there and watching this conversation progress. You saw him looking at the pictures hanging on your refrigerator. You had filled the whole surface of the refrigerator with photos from back home, and your trips to different parts of the world. The voice of Mrs.Kim brought you back to the conversation.

“You see (y/n), it has been a few thousand cases in South Korea with Idols not having their soulmates around them enough. And everybody knows how wrong things can go with too little physical contact. Both idol and their soulmate would get very sick and in the worst cases die. The things that are different between other companies and ours is that we are willing to use a lot of money, time, and resources on our idol’s soulmate. Because we care and we know that it is what we must do to keep our idols healthy and happy. We have seen how much we can get back from it too. Let’s say that you are happy spending time with us in this company. That can result in you being willing to show up for events and interviews. It can make you want to work with us too, maybe within music or dance, or maybe things like doing modeling jobs. It can also mean that you may be willing to do social media stuff, it is a huge market in that now. But you are never going to want to have anything to do with us if we don’t treat you like family”

 She raised her shoulders a little, sitting more back on the couch. “However way you twist and turn around on this (y/n), you are good for the company. When this goes out into the public in just a few hours, things are going to blow up. Everyone is going to be talking about it. This is something that not only Jimin, his family, band members, and us in the company have been waiting for, but also the fans. It must be close to a gazillion hours of videos of Jimin on the Internet. A lot of those videos are him talking about you. His soulmate that he so desperately wants to find. The fans are going to be so excited for him when the news is out. So the PR is going to be amazing for the company.”

“That’s why BigHit doesn’t want much from you. The only thing that contract is requiring from you is that you don’t work for anyone else. That whatever work you want to do is going to be under BigHit, and that BigHit has the rights on whatever public works you do. It isn’t bad right?”

You nodded your head trying to digest the information. It didn’t sound bad at all. You had read so many horror stories about famous people’s soulmate being abused or taken advanced off by their soulmates company. It didn’t sound like the company that your soulmate works for did things that way. You should be happy and grateful for that you thought.

“Okay, I will sign it.” 

The next morning was the most chaotic morning you had ever experienced. 

Well not for you really. You had just been sitting at the floor with Mrs.Kim for the last hour drinking coffee and watching the moving people packing away all your stuff. But it was tiring to watch. And a little bit uncomfortable to not be helping. You had asked but all the men would just give you a smile and then bow before continuing on.You had taken that as a thank you, but no thank you. 

Everything was gone in under two hours. You didn’t have a lot of stuff, but they packed everything so neatly. It was almost painful to watch them fold every clothing item you owned perfectly before packing it away. You thought your closet was quite organized but not enough for them apparently. 

Mrs.Kim has told you that they were not Korean but Japanese. And also, that the same moving company had helped them every time the group that Jimin was a part of, had moved. They were supposedly the best of the best.

It was really quite in the streets, mostly because the clock only was eight in the morning. Most of the tourists are still asleep. So the moving crew had been able to pack everything up and leave without anyone noticing.Mrs. Kim told you that it would be best to pack up everything when there are fewer people around. The fewer the people the less attention.

The news of you and Jimin had dropped yesterday. And even though Mrs.Kim wouldn’t tell you anything, you could tell that it has become big news. She had talked on the phone for hours with someone you assumed was working for the company as well. She had talked in a low and stressful voice and even though you didn’t understand a word Korean, you knew that that conversation was something she didn’t want you to understand.

So she hasn’t told you anything though. You had tried to ask her about it but she would only answer that it was nothing for me to worry about and that it is being handled. 

You did worry though, but she didn’t give you much time to. Because as soon as the moving truck had left you were lead out to the cars as well. You would be leaving in two different cars. You, Mrs.Kim, and Junseo were leaving in one car while Seurong, Yucheon, and Hyun would leave in another. 

You and Mrs.Kim have taken the back seats as Junseo would drive. The car was filled to the brim with tension. As both you and Mrs.Kim refuse to make any eye contact. You could tell she was nervous, and it made you uneasy as well. The only comfort you got was from Junseo through the rear-view mirror as he would give you small smiles and winks whenever you would catch his gaze. 

The last days had gone by so fast. You were just happy that you had gotten the time to give everyone that was important to you on that island a goodbye in person before you left. Even though you wished you had more time with everyone you knew that if you had asked for more you would have given Mrs.Kim a heart attack. And you weren’t that keen on having to explain to the company that you had killed one of their employees. You don’t think they would be so nice to you anymore if you had.

When you were getting close to the airport you noticed Mrs.Kim straighten up. She looked more alert as she eyed the people around the airport. Then after we stopped right outside the terminal one door she let out a breath and started to look more relaxed again. She turned to Junseo and told him something in Korean with a smile. 

What suddenly made them so happy?

The door on your side suddenly opened, making you flinch before turning around to face a smirking Yucheon. You blush a little as he started to giggle of your reaction. 

“You can come out now, me and Junseo will take you to the first-class lounge so you can eat something before our plane leaves” 

Oh, so he does talk English, just with an adorable accent. 

“I am really hungry too, so you don’t have to worry about eating alone” He gave you a reassuring smile. It reached his eyes and gave him cute eye wrinkles. 

You smiled back before making a mental note of Yucheon being a potential candidate for being your future lunch buddy when your soulmate decided to ditch you.

 “Ah. Thank you, I would hate to eat alone. That’s really depressing” 

He giggled a little more before making more space for you to crawl out of the car. Junseo jumped out of the car only a second after you. Then the three of you made your way into the busy airport. Mrs.Kim hadn’t followed you and neither had Hyun. You didn’t want to ask about it, it was okay for you to not know the reason behind everything. You knew it would only make you more anxious. And you didn’t want to loos your cool when you had made it this far.

The first-class lounge was mostly empty except the few people that worked in the buffet and an old couple sitting in the corner. Yucheon had informed you that the plane didn’t leave before twelve o’clock, so the three of you had almost two hours to eat our way through the buffet.

You had gotten to know both of them a little better at that time. Yucheon was twenty-eight years old and loved food, animals, tv-dramas, and long walks by a famous river that was in Seoul. Junseo was thirty years old and loved to read, travel, play video games, and go to the gym. You liked both of them a lot and found yourself wondering if it would be possible to steal Junseo from Jimin. 

You had asked them both if they would like to join you for ice cream and a walk along the river that Yucheon talked about, both of them said they would love to but that we would have to wait until the news of you and Jimin had died down. 

Yucheon had been shocked when you confessed to not really knowing anything about Jimin. He had been even more shocked when you told him that you haven’t even searched his name on google jet. He, of course, had thought that you were at least a little curious about him. And you are, but you are also really afraid to freak yourself out before you had even met the guy. 

Naturally Yucheon and Junseo we’re both eager to tell you everything they knew, even though you interested on that they don’t. 

“You know” started Junseo.

“He really has been putting a lot of effort to make everything perfect before you come. Not just after he got the letter, but for as long as I have worked for BigHit” 

He stopped eating and laid down his fork before he leaned more back into the couch. 

“He talked about you daily, even before knowing your name. He would always say stuff like ‘I can’t wait to show her this’ or is bet she would love to see this’. It was always about you. Everything he does he does for you. I remember having to wake him up one time. He had fallen asleep in the car on the way to rehearsal. He was crying in his sleep, and when I woke him up he said ‘why does TISO use so much time to find her?’ And ‘I have paid them so much to make it go faster because I need her now. Why can’t they just find her now? I need her now.”

He picked up his fork again and took a big bite of the pasta dish he was eating.

“You know, he really is a good guy. But he has a big heart that breaks easily. So be nice to him, please. He really is trying his best. So don’t be mad at him for not knowing enough English to express himself or communicating with you properly. Just tell him it’s okay, and that you will learn together. Because I can’t handle to see him heartbroken, especially after longing for you for such a long time” 

Junseo seemed to really love Jimin. He wouldn’t have told me this if he didn’t. 

You just nodded and told him you that he didn’t have to worry. Your first language wasn’t English ether so you know that learning a new language could be hard. You wouldn’t judge someone because of it. 

By that time Mrs.Kim had called them and informed us that we could board the plane soon. You had made your way through the terminal and before you even knew you were sitting in first class on a plane ready to leave for the other side of the world.

You had never flown for more than six hours, so you were starting to feel more and more thankful for the first class tickets the longer you were in the air.

You didn’t think you would have survived in the air for so long if you had to sit in the economy.

They had served food three times throughout the flight. All of the food served were multiple courses and were served with wine. When you were not eating you enjoyed the movie collection on board. Mrs.Kim had been on a Skype call with a man you didn’t know, for a couple of hours of the flight before falling asleep. The rest of the guys seemed to be sleeping for most of the flight too. Maybe it would have been smart of you to sleep too, but you were way to nervous about landing in Seoul to fall asleep.

The thought of the cameras that would be waiting to catch a glimpse of you at the airport was all you were capable of thinking about. You were thinking about how your life would be from now on, all the media and pressure didn’t match your ideal lifestyle. You were starting to question TISO’s discovery on you and Jimin as soulmates. Maybe they did a mistake or only matched you and Jimin together because they got paid a lot by him or his company and didn’t find his soulmate fast enough.

It didn’t seem right to you.

You've dreamed of having at least five or six more years alone before being matched with a guy living a quiet and boring life. You liked quiet and boring. It made you feel safe. Your mental health wasn’t stable enough to live the life Jimin was living. You prefer to not be the center of attention and would much rather be in the corner of the room than being the one that dances in the middle.

Your thoughts were stopped by the pilot's announcement over the speakers.

“ Ladies and gentlemen, we have begun our descent into Seoul. Please turn off all portable electronic devices and make sure all your belongings are secured. Also, make sure your seat back is straight up and your seatbelt is fastened. The flight attendants will make one more round to pick up any unwanted items left. Thank you”

You looked over to Mrs.Kim. She was already looking at you. A lazy smile decorated her face. She looked so cute when she was sleepy, you wonder who was blessed with waking up to her every day.

“Are you ready (y/n)?”

You nodded. You kinda just had to be ready, because there was no way they pilots would just fly a couple of extra rounds just so you could have a little more time, now was it?

“There is no need to be nervous. I have already talked to some of our staff on the ground. They have everything under control.”

You already know that they would. The only problem is that they actually need to keep things under control. That only means it’s people waiting for you on the ground.

“(Y/n)”

You nodded and tried to give a small smile as reassurance. She didn’t need to know how much you were dying on the inside right now.

“I need you to remember to stay close to Junseo when we land. Your baggage is going to be delivered directly to the car. All you need to do is to keep your head low and your focus on Junseo. You are going to be wearing a mask and a hoodie so that the paparazzi can’t get a clear shot of you”

You almost jumped from your seat when the plain suddenly hit the ground, only the seatbelt prevented you from it.

You had missed your favorite part of any flight. To watch out the window on the city that you were gonna stay in. Hopefully, it wouldn’t be the last time you were gonna land in Seoul, so you would just have to pay more attention next time.

“Ladies and gentlemen, we in emirates welcomes you to Seoul. The local time is six in the morning and the temperature is currently eighteen degrees Celsius. For your safety and for those around you, please remain seated until the ‘fasten seat belt’ sign is turned off. Thank you”

The next minutes passed almost too quickly. All of you were all packed up and on your way out of the plane in what felt like only a minute.

Mrs.Kim had given you a big pink hoodie with ‘BTS’ written on the front and a black mask. Junseo was walking in front and had his arm stretched out for you. You quickly accepted and gripped his hand hard. You swear you had seen Junseo flinch from the power of your tight hold on him.

You had walked through security control and passport control completely alone. Big Hit had to have something to do with the luxury treatment you thought.

They hadn’t asked many questions after receiving your passport and confirmation from TISO on your soulmate. They had stamped your passport and told you something in Korean before giving you a smile followed by a bow.

And then you were on your way towards a door to what you assumed was the main terminal of the airport. But nobody from your travel group told you anything. Junseo only offered his hand to you again as Mrs.Kim dragged the hood of the hoodie over your head and made sure the mask was sitting right.

“Keep your head down and don’t freeze. We have to move fast (y/n).”

“I understand” was the only thing you could think of saying. You just had to trust these people that you had only known for three days to keep you safe.

No problem.

As you got closer to the metal door you started to hear the noise from the other side. As soon as Yucheon opened the door the people on the other side exploded in screams.

You had loosened your hold on Junseo hand and tried to take a step back. But he had only fastened his hold on you and given you a thigh squeeze. Mrs.Kim placed her hand on your back before shoving you out the door.

The flashlights were blinding. You tried your hardest to keep your focus on Junseo’s moving feet and on Mrs.Kim’s hand that had made its way around your waist.

You lifted your gaze slightly. But not enough to look over Junseo’s big shoulders. You did, however, get a glimpse of the barricade that was blocking you from them. It hanged a lot of signs on it. Papers in all of the rainbow's colors with colorful writing on them.

“Welcome to Korea (y/n),” one said.

“Army supports you,” another one said.

Why the hell would the Korean army support me?

“Please tell Jimin to eat at” the rest was written in Korean. You assumed it was a restaurant or cafe.

You almost tripped when Junseo slowed down. A big revolving door was the reason for his now slower pace. But as soon as you had made your way through, you were quickly shown into a black van.

You felt as though you were finally able to breathe properly again.

Outside the airport young girls and boys were gathered. You could hear them even though the car doors were closed.

They were singing.

There was already a person ready in the driver's seat. Mrs. Kim had taken the front seat and Junseo had walked around the car to sit at your left side in the back.

You had no idea where Seurong, Yucheon, or Hyun was. But you could imagine them being in some of the surrounding vehicles.

The driver that you didn't know the name of, told Mrs. Kim something with a smile before starting to drive. The singing from the people outside the airport soon disappeared. You were left with only the motor of the car as noise. You pay close attention to everything passing by. This was the city you were most likely going to live in for all of the remaining years of your life. So you tried your best to remember buildings that looked exiting or places that you would like to later explore.

It was exciting, you couldn't lie. Seoul was truly a stunning city. It was extraordinary to see such a beautiful contrast between the old and the new buildings. You could almost feel the culture in the air as you got deeper and deeper into the city.

An extremely tall building caught your eye.

”What is that?” you asked. Everybody else that was in the car flinched. You had tried not to make your voice loud, but the car was just too quiet. Any noise that would occur would certainly scare anyone.

”what? Where?” Junseo was leaning over you to watch out your side of the car. His eyes frantically searching for whatever had caught your attention.

”that!” you tried to point your index finger as precisely a possible. Letting your finger push hard against the glass window and closing your left eye. Junseo tried to follow your finger to what it was pointing towards.

”ahh, that is lotte tower, I can take you there sometime. They have a nice bar in one of the top floors with an amazing view of Seoul” He had started at the building as he was talking to you. Your finger only left the window after he was done explaining about the tower.

The drive through the city went slow. The traffic wasn't bad, but it felt like they had a stoplight at every corner in the whole city center. But it could also be because of the awkward tension between everyone in the car. They all know that when you arrive, they are going to be the witnesses to you and Jimins first meeting.

No pressure right?

You were really nervous though. And it was uncomfortable to think about people watching your first meeting with Jimin. You found yourself wondering if that's how it's always gonna be with Jimin. He was famous after all. You had just hoped that you would have this moment for yourself.

You were starting to see that you were arriving on the rich side of town. Every building, flower, bench, and even the crosswalk looked expensive. You didn't belong here.

You suddenly stopped at a security gate. A huge fence blocking the car from continuing on driving. One of the two men guarding the gate came up to the driver's window. The other man was walking around the car and looking at me and Junseo. Mrs. Kim has just leaned over the driver to hand some papers to the security guard, not really seeming nervous about the men. They had talked only a couple of sentences each before Mrs.Kim turned around to look at me.

”This is as far as we are allowed to take you today, (y/n). These kind men will walk you up this hill to Jimins apartment. You can just walk straight in, the door is unlocked.”

You weren't ready. But then again you probably never would.

”okay, thanks guys. For the drive and all that.” you said looking down at your hands that we're lying comfortably on your lap.

”hey.” Junseo took your left hand and squeezed tightly. Then he gave you a piece of paper with his name and number on it.

”you know we are all just a phone call away if you need us. But I doubt you will. I know Jimin is gonna keep you busy. He has basically planned for this for his whole life. You are going to be eating good food, see beautiful places, have lots of fun, and meet everyone important to him. I promise you are gonna have the best time of your life, I am honestly a little afraid you might forget me after a few weeks with him.

You laughed. Tears were forming in the corner of your eyes. You couldn't tell if it was from nerves, happiness, or sadness. It almost felt like a mix of them all.

”thank you. I really appreciate you Junseo. Don't be mad though, when I start calling you about ice cream and that walk we talked about. I can be a bit annoying if things don't happen fast enough for me.”

You could see Mrs. Kim smile in the corner of your eyes.

«I like annoying.” was all Junseo said before you stepped out of the car. Only carrying your hand luggage, you had no idea when the rest would arrive.

The tall building he lived in was intimidating. It seems to reach beyond the clouds. Not the best place for one with a fear of heights, especially when he lives on the top two floors. You though the guard that followed you to the building was joking with you when he gave you a keycard to the elevator and told you to press floor number fifty-two.

The guard had let out a laugh at your reaction but did little to help you other than giving you a kind smile and a point with his index finger to the elevator.

He obviously didn't speak a word English, but you still found him cute with all his hand gestures and his broken English.

”Okay, okay, I am going don't worry. You can go down to your friend again. I just need a minute to try to calm myself before going into that death trap.”

He only let out another laugh but didn't move an inch.

Great.

You give the poor guy a smile before turning around and going into the elevator, pressing the fifty-second floor, and scanning your new keycard. You turned with your back to the door and faced the mirror that was covered the whole wall. Your make-up is completely ruined by your long journey and you find yourself regretting not using the time from the airport to jimins house to try to look at least a little more presentable.

You had decided to wear a navy blue jumpsuit. It was pretty and you slightly prayed that it would be enough to distract him from your face.

”hello.”

You haven't even noticed the elevator door opening, but as you lifted your gaze you saw his eyes on you through the mirror. He was standing in the hallway without shoes on.

He looked like an angel. Wearing all white and many accessories. The clothes he was wearing was baggy but made with a thin fabric, so thin that you could see the outline of the tattoo on his ribcage. His rings we're all gold-colored with different colored gemstones. His outfit was planned but relaxed.

Dark but gentle eyes started intensely on you. They held the stars. He had tears threatening to fall in the corners on both eyes, but you only saw it becomes the light hit his face perfectly, making his eyes shine.

He was biting the corner of his lip, as he was slightly swaying back and forth, shifting between one foot and the other.

Then you realized.

He was just as nervous as you.

”hi.”

[microsoftenterpriselibrary4]

Microsoft Teams covers 75M daily active customers, as Zoom readjusts its very own user numbers

Personalized histories for Teams video calls are now generally available, as is a capability for meeting coordinators to immediately "finish conference" by clicking a switch in the control bar, Microsoft announced last week. By the end of April, Microsoft is guaranteeing that Groups will certainly support up to 9 noticeable participants at once on video clip phone calls. A photo shared by Microsoft suggests Groups will certainly have a 3 x 3 grid for viewing 9 participants all at once. Digital meeting devices make it possible for individuals to interact socially, function, as well as team up in powerful as well as new means. The University of Denver uses 2 video clip partnership sources to its community.

Do you have concerns regarding Zoom or do you want to experience Zoom Meetings as well as Zoom Room yourself? Contact our video professionals totally free advice and a presentation. A boosting variety of organizations utilize Zoom as their interaction and partnership solution. Microsoft clients utilizing Skype for Organisation are compelled to reconsider this selection as Microsoft introduced to terminate Skype for Organisation in favour of Teams in 2020.

Guests have the ability to see what they appear like as well as can turn off their microphone and also transform their cam on or off prior to telephoning. Google's user-friendly control can scroll through video streams of speaking individuals, as well as advise you that you are mute if you talk without switching on your microphone. Beneficial attributes consist of presenting the 10 most active participants along with the ability to send out text messages by means of the interface. Zoom Fulfilling offers you information concerning the connection of all participants in the call.

Nevertheless, the business has responded quickly by adding waiting space functionality so participants can be screened plus added verification and also security actions. Microsoft Teams is an all-in-one workstream partnership service which incorporates with Office365. With numerous organizations already using O365, Groups becomes an appealing option as it enables durable interior cooperation, back-ups, and documents share. On the various other hand, Zoom is an attractive choice for external partnerships.

For instance, during a current tiny group telephone call, among my individuals linked from a mobile device using 4G. When his link was secure, I saw a collection of white bars suggesting the toughness of his connection in the reduced left edge of his video. Zoom Satisfying has an one-of-a-kind participant reporting function that checks all participants that reported throughout the conference. Google recently revealed that it will certainly enable free access to numerous video conferencing and communication tools for schools and also companies till September 30, 2020, which relates to all G Suite consumers worldwide. Microsoft lately facilitated the screening of Groups and also their different functions during the pandemic.

It is fascinating to note the convenience with which the workers have used the system and browsed via it on their own," states B. Ghosh, CIO, enterprise as well as corp functions, Mahindra Team, which has been making use of Microsoft Teams because the lockdown started in March. Ms. Jenelle says there's a performative element to videoconferencing, which includes in her very own exhaustion. She really feels as though she always needs to be "on" while joining a virtual meetings, given that she understands other people are watching her.

While there is some function overlap between the solutions, every one has its own specialized. This file will certainly aid assist you to the best device for your needs. Teams aids organisations to interact more effectively through team chat, on the internet meetings, calling, and also web conferencing.

The VP doesn't mention Zoom by name, but this seems an initiative by Microsoft to promote Teams as a safer, much more protected alternative to Zoom. The Redmond firm says it logged 200 million meeting participants in someday this month. Teams is consisted of with Microsoft 365 memberships for companies, and firms need to upgrade to greater versions of those strategies to unlock advanced functions of the program, such as video telephone calls.

It's likewise protection against Zoom-crashing harassers, as well as it's good that the firm is moving in this direction. Zoom claimed it's now concentrating a lot more on its safety as well as re-evaluating the balance in between protection as well as simplicity of usage. While Skype's Meet Now supplies a grid sight, Zoom lets you see approximately 49 people simultaneously, in sets of huge 5x5 grids (attempting to figure it out? Right here's just how to see everyone on Zoom).

The business states you can call your local Microsoft companion or sales agent as well as secure free access to Office 365 E1 prepare for a duration of 6 months. For institutions and establishments, the Workplace 365 will stay complimentary to all.

We provide reducing edge, tailored IT options as well as IT support and maintenance to ensure your organisation IT set-up is as efficient, reliable, and fast as possible. Connect with us to learn more regarding our solutions or to arrange a consultation with among our knowledgeable IT experts. Group video, screen sharing, and also telephone calls are still limited to teams of 20 or fewer. So go on, begin planning that shock workplace party with the new, larger team conversation. Whether in the space or across a sea, Groups as well as the Microsoft Surface area Hub interact to improve conferences for neighborhood and remote attendees.

Is Microsoft Team free?

The free version of Microsoft Teams only allows you to have up to 300 members (users) per organization. Paid plans, meanwhile, up that up to a potentially unlimited amount of members, with an enterprise license.

A guide to requirements as well as functions of the leading three video clip conferencing apps. To date, Zoom, Microsoft Teams and also Cisco Webex have outweighed Google Meet and its predecessor brands, amongst businesses and companies. Introduced in 2017 as Hangouts Meet, it included a videoconferencing extension of the Google Hangouts conversation and also voice communications device. It has actually preserved a solid following among pupils and also for customers.

They can simply develop a web link and send it to loved ones as an invitation to join the video clip telephone call. The participants open the web link in Microsoft Side or Google Chrome, and also they are "in" the call. In this Vlog we take a look at Zoom vs Microsoft Teams to identify the most effective alternative for video conferencing. K2 Technologies is aMicrosoft Workplace 365 Partnerwith almost twenty years of experience assisting businesses make use of modern technology to its fullest potential.

Microsoft assumes individuals who prepare trips with friends or organize book clubs and also social gatherings will be interested in Teams. Alexa ranking https://mnetworks.dk/om-os-2/social-ansvarlighed-csr/ 21 (As of 22 April 2020 [update] Zoom Video Clip Communications, Inc. (Zoom) is an American communications modern technology company headquartered in San Jose, The Golden State. It provides videotelephony and also online chat solutions via a cloud-based peer-to-peer software application system as well as is utilized for teleconferencing, telecommuting, correspondence course, and social relationships. If your video clip gets on during a conference with several participants, it instantly presents to all individuals, including on your own. If you hide on your own, your own video clip screen disappears from your display, leaving even more room to see other participants.

Among the best features of this is that it sustains as much as 250 participants in a telephone call, that makes it useful for big conferences. You can additionally live-stream conferences to up to 100,000 people, helpful for bigger ventures attempting to reach huge groups. The base prepare for Zoom consists of a host limitation of 100 individual, endless 1 to 1 conferences and team conferences yet a 40-minute limit on conferences with 3 or even more individuals in them. Shutterstock is another popular graphics web site giving free backgrounds to personalize Zoom and also Skype telephone calls.

It's additionally worth noting that cloud storage space is limited, so be careful how many conferences you document while utilizing the mobile app. The business has made several moves to counter these problems and also assure users about the value of protection and also privacy. This includes basic points like removing the conference ID from the title bar of the phone call so if customers share screenshots on-line the meeting isn't revealed to future misuse. If your system manager has a Pro, Business, or Venture account, you can authorize up and download Zoom onto your computer system using your work email.

Furthermore, it has to be stated that Groups takes rather a great deal of time to set up, so bear that in mind. Microsoft Teams allows you share Workplace documents and service them immediately from the work area. Slack doesn't included the option of modifying papers from the work area, so you need to download documents as well as open them in certain applications to edit them. The most important thing to recognize is that Slack's dimension restriction for submitting is 1GB, while Microsoft Teams is covered at 15GB. We really did not bother to inspect these numbers and upload gigantic files-- we were extra interested in exactly how you can collaborate in these apps.

How do you see everyone on Zoom?

Now, a report by Bleeping Computer claims that half a million Zoom accounts have been hacked and the data from these accounts have been sold on the dark web. These Zoom account credentials reportedly included email address, meeting URLs, passwords, and HostKeys.

Google has claimed it will certainly offer Hangouts components as separate customer services, such as Chat, Messages and also Duo. " Due to the fact that video conferences have never ever been more vital, we've been fast-tracking one of the most requested features for Meet, and also are currently making them offered to all," composed G Suite VP and also GM Javier Soltero in a blog. Google Meet now has a tiled gallery view with a format that currently supports 16 participants, up from just four. They can likewise now pick better video clip by switching to the 30 frameworks per-second video mode choice.

Just like in a routine Teams meetings, you can now include your system audio when offering in an online occasion. Presently, this attribute is only available for producers and presenters signing up with from the Teams desktop computer application for Windows.

No Wire Necessary-- Security & Safety And Security In A Wireless World.

allows individuals to satisfy in person from a desktop, laptop, mobile device or video clip conferencing endpoint. It utilizes the trusted Cisco infrastructure and incorporates with Webex Teams as well as with various other famous suppliers such as Microsoft. Meanwhile, in Italy, service applications like Google's Hangouts Meet and also Classroom were one of the most downloaded and install of any classification of apps this week. Do you know when this feature for Microsoft Teams Room Equipments to join Webex and Zoom conferences will be released? Older Cisco rooms will certainly have the ability to join Microsoft Teams Meetings by means of Cisco's forthcoming CVI service.

To try it out in your next meeting, press Ctrl+ to zoom in as well as Ctrl- to zoom out. Create a welcome web link to invite people to join your org on Teams free by means of the app of your selection. When they click on the web link they'll be sent out to a webpage to demand to join your org-- so you know specifically that's utilizing the web link to join.

Microsoft is additionally coming out with versions of Teams for personal and also family usage. Microsoft has seen a 775 percent rise in cloud solutions across areas that have implemented social distancing because of COVID-19.

Is Zoom owned by Google?

Microsoft originally acquired Skype for $8.5 billion back in 2011. It was the same year that Zoom and Snapchat were founded, and Apple launched its iPhone 4S.

IT specialists can likewise access Microsoft Teams also if their firm is not certified for Groups. They can call their Microsoft companion or sales representatives for free access to the Workplace 365 E1 plan for 6 months.

So, we decided to submit an 800MB video clip documents in Microsoft Teams to give it a shot. To our surprise, the documents not just opened promptly yet likewise played within Microsoft Teams-- very impressive. It's even more budget-friendly than Slack or Microsoft Teams while providing advanced attributes such as endless message history and also sound and also video clip calls. To cut the story short, the least expensive Workplace 365 Strategy that has Teams in it is called Service Basics. It costs $5 per user per month and you need to buy a yearly strategy to get going.

Within this contrast, I want to look closer at both what these tools supply, however how the tools and also their organization result in an inevitably various platform emphasis. As an example, Microsoft Teams appears to master Office 365 based cooperation, meanwhile, Webex Teams is an incredible virtual conference system with digital whiteboarding, in addition to a concentrate on equipment. But it is essential to acknowledge what solutions as well as Office applications your service get to based upon the strategy selected. As an example, even the Free offering of Microsoft Teams provides access to shadow variations of preferred Workplace Apps, however none other services or downloadable versions of the software application. With more individuals, even more files, more conferences, more cooperation, a lot more video clip meetings, more whatever; larger companies merely need the tools to deal with and also facilitate this higher degree of cooperation and emphasis.

What is the difference between zoom and teams?

Through the Microsoft Teams Zoom Meetings tab, you will be able to start, schedule, join meetings, or share your screen. Meetings created in Teams will automatically appear on your Zoom account. This article covers installing, configuring and using the Zoom integration for Microsoft Teams.

It's a little on the expensive side but they just recently expanded their product to currently supply display sharing and also video conferencing. Google Hangouts is our pick for best video conferencing software application for small teams. The web video clip variation is called Google Hangouts as well as is what our group makes use of at We Rock Your Internet. When it comes to on the internet conference solutions, we contrast the ideal video conferencing software application and also review why some of the most identifiable companies might not be your finest option.

This is in fact cheaper than Slack's most affordable strategy (Conventional), which costs $6.67 per individual per month when billed every year. It makes the price much extra eye-catching when you take into consideration the truth that $5 invested on Microsoft Teams additionally provides you access to Workplace 365. Nonetheless, if you intend to get the most out of Microsoft Teams and also Slack, you'll need to obtain a paid strategy. In Microsoft Tools, that suggests that you require to have an account that is either Business Premium or Essentials.

As preferred and as useful Zoom has been for many organisations, the safety and personal privacy elements are still not there. Microsoft Teams transcends in the feeling that due to it's association with Office 365, there are added methods to increase your standard protection. Password freshens, credibility symbols and 2 element verification process-- Zoom just can not compete with these extra levels of safety.

According to Microsoft, people in Norway and also the Netherlands turn on video clip as well as use it the most, with about 60% of conferences in the country including video clip. Right here in the United States, the number is about 38%, and in the UK, it has to do with 47%. Microsoft Teams currently has attributes that assist make video talking easier, and extra get on the means. That currently includes history blur, which helps conceal your background during a telephone call.

You can manage whether to hide or reveal yourself in your own video clip display screen for each conference. As an existing Skype for Organisation client, the full shift to Groups may take a little time. Thankfully, the overlapping capabilities of both apps imply you do not need to do it at one time-- there are a couple of different conjunction as well as upgrade settings to consider when selecting your personal course to migration. Although Groups takes much of its DNA from Skype for Business, both are really various solutions. When you placed them side-by-side-- Microsoft Teams vs Skype for Service-- you'll see that Teams provides a lot more, bringing together files, talks, and also applications in one area for a much more full, integrated cooperation remedy.

Why is teams better than Skype?

According to a recent Forrester study, shared workspaces like Teams can save users time—from one to eight hours per user per week, depending on their role. The wins from making the Skype for Business upgrade to Teams are clear: faster, more efficient working and collaboration.

Though Microsoft Teams as well as Skype for Organisation does differ, there is some considerable overlap. Both Skype for Company as well as Microsoft Teams include team chats, straight messaging, and voice calling. Though Microsoft Teams initially really did not have the calling capability that Skype did, it still had both voice chat and video clip calling functionality.

After that you ought to leave the conference, if you're not using Skype to meet with a person. Then it won't utilize a lot information and also you don't need to bother with the video/audio quality while you're not in a conference. Webex has unrestricted free meetings for up to 3 individuals and offers the premium includes complimentary for 2 week.

Still, it's improving all the time, and is certainly something to try if you are taking a look at an alternative to Zoom. Jitsiis a extremely cool and safe open resource app that's recently launched to the marketplace.

As several churches relied on Zoom for live-streaming, Sunday morning ended up being prime-time show for a vital group of Zoom individuals. The largest customer of teleconferencing is India Inc, which began its fiscal and also established targets with a flurry of web conferences. " We have done greater than 350,000 conferences, greater than 60 events with hundreds of individuals in each.

For large range company meetings with coworkers or calls with numerous good friends, Zoom for desktop is the only sensible choice. Free Zoom supplies video conferencing for approximately 100 individuals, supplied the conference competes no more than 40 mins, at which point guests are ejected from the meeting. If you don't mind the headache of dialling back in, though, the host can merely begin another telephone

[aiweirdness]

GPT-2: It learned on the Internet

Prompt: The black-capped chickadee is a small songbird native to

Response: The black-capped chickadee is a small songbird native to Africa that is powerfully seductive. In the songs of Barry Sequson, Harry Holness and Alan Emerson the black-capped chickadee competes with others—and climbs on top of each other and fights with high-powered snakes, Emperor jockeys and mysterious unicorns.

This is text generated by an artificial neural network that the researchers at OpenAI unveiled this week. In fact, it’s generated by the worst neural network they trained. Even the worst neural network generates text that, if not demonstrating actual knowledge of chickadees, is leaps and bounds over the coherence of any neural networks I’ve trained myself. They’ve built in a way for the model to zoom out and look at longer-term features of text, which means it’s much better at making sentences hold together, and even remembering what it’s talking about from sentence to sentence.

The model learned by crawling the Internet and seeing which words are used together in which order, trying to build up an internal model that will let it predict which word comes next in a sentence. It’s similar in concept to the models I’ve trained to generate paint colors, first lines of novels, and Harry Potter fan fiction, except it’s a lot more powerful. It also learned from a much larger dataset than I use, consisting of every page that was linked to somewhere on Reddit with a minimum number of upvotes. That encompasses a LOT of topics.

It includes fan fiction, for example.

Prompt: Harry wished that Hermione would hurry up. The icing was beginning to harden.

Response: Even now, the cracks only hurt and were beginning to make the steel in her hair and tie in like clumps. Hermione sipped the bitter frost from her dinner and chewed on her eating soup.

Prompt: Darth Vader entered the room, cape billowing. "What is the meaning of these... festivities?"

Response: ”Strange and solemn, now," Princess Leia replied. "Will pirates make jokes at Jabba's birthday cake? Oh, and for a moment, Darth Vader was too full of himself for that ceremony, hence all the mirth."

"Did your father suffer there?" Vader roared and growled and turned to gaze up from the balcony.

The model can also try to communicate Important Science Facts, although its actual facts are a bit suspect.

Prompt: Our solar system consists of the inner and outer planets, separated by an asteroid belt. It has

Response: Our solar system consists of the inner and outer planets, separated by an asteroid belt. It has only one sun, Pluto.  Mercury rotates on its axis a little to allow a few planets, called gas giants, to be independently charged.  During some of these cycles periods between  90% and 64% of the solar system's surface might be charged.  (Not enough is needed for vermin but that is gradually fading away.)

Prompt: Throughout the long cold Antarctic winter, the residents of South Pole Station

Response: Throughout the long cold Antarctic winter, the residents of South Pole Station lost virtually all of their ancient crustaceans, most notably pterodactyls, and all of the all-important plankton hydrates and protozoan eggs of the five ordered species of mammal.

Other deposits for sea organisms included eraymarine calcifye, the redfin ball, penguin heads, and the red whale.

Prompt: A carbon atom's outer orbitals

Response: A carbon atom's outer orbitals are basically a ring of ions around the border of thin mini-glaciers (usually colloquially referred to as bubble"). Like viruses, these planes are in islands in large weather groups. In and out they get all of their energy from many small regions of solar wind and dense cloud cover (usually thousands of square meters). Like viruses, their weaponry is imaged to record the movement of material-- (by deflecting rays, for instance) to complete waves or to cause the material to deform under shell impact. Capacitors--like gravity ids-- produce buoyancy with the exhalation of liquid hydrogen atmospheres, an essential electrolytic letdown when the material is what one calls a watermelon. Heat range is quite long and space is limited so one must stick with watermelons for a stability boost at a given coordinate system vital to shelter those who require them in space.

Interestingly, it takes its cues from the phrasing of the prompt more than from its specific content.

Prompt: Behold, the three-toed sloth, known for its

Response: Behold, the three-toed sloth, known for its ichorotic smile, with its four shades, pantered organic wizened broken bony paws, bulging knees, hairy tubercles, and orange's-black mandibles.

It’ll also do recipes, delightfully. Its recipes aren’t enormously more coherent than the recipes I’ve been able to generate. Part of the problem seems to be that the model is getting a bit confused by other types of recipes in its dataset.

Prompt: Quitterbread bars. Ingredients:

Response (some formatting adjusted for readability):  

Quitterbread bars.

Ingredients:

Creamy cole slaw, chopped fresh cilantro, garlic, etc. 1  few very good options at lime-light, milky-white (at a light foodie) space 1  medicated towel (albino & aluminum mesh - see a friend's link to see if you can use it carefully & what you're expecting) a few paraffin-y dice (sleep about half of the weight, use the 1 ounce plus 2 pounds extra when handling these onto a hot baking sheet) 20 baking sheets 30 1/2 lb. white sanding board 1 didn't dry paper cup 1 cup extra hot water

boil the butter and electrical polishing after 20 minutes 3LB neurons

gently massage these into their slots, reduce heat in oven to approximately 350°F

stuff seam side-side down with binding compound, avoiding every drop of water the thinner sides will be tidy and seperate and pull out after 24 hours know how long they will keep it's held well, thin enough to live with 3-4 weeks teach you all the serenity you'll need to know for fantasy...

_______________________________________ >>> A limited amount of not-spicy crème brûlée (orange - read about how to do it in Meteor!) I used black chocolate cake Crème Brûlée

Painted cocktail draped across the small purple curtain of Shana Liu's Stepmother Coconut Guild guest house in France. 35' x 30' $150

Embargo thank you. Our magical rich chocolate cube

Still, its memory is better than any model I’ve worked with before. Look how it manages to almost remember that it was making a list!

Prompt: My 10 favorite animals are: 1.

Response:  

My 10 favorite animals are: 1. zebras with a white scar on the back; 2. insiduous spiders and octopus; 3. frog with large leaves, hopefully black; 4. cockatiel with scales; 5. razorbill with wings hanging about 4 inches from one's face and a heart tattoo on a frog. 3. cockatric interlocking tetrapods that can be blind, cut, and eaten raw. 4. black and white desert crocodiles living in sunlight. 5. zebra and many other pea bugs.

And this is just the worst model, the one that was trained with 117 million parameters instead of 1542 million. What can the best model do?

Here’s an example of its output:

This give you a clue as to why the OpenAI researchers have decided for now not to release their best model to the public. They’re worried about people using it to produce destructive bots, fake news, phishing emails, and other dangers. It might be difficult indeed to moderate a forum filled with angry time-wasting mostly-coherent bots. In their blog post they posted more examples of the full-powered model producing impressively coherent text, including a delightful news story on four-horned South American unicorns.

What will they end up doing with their model? Even now, someone else with the time and resources - a government, for example - could train and use a model like theirs, especially now that they’ve shown everyone what their technique can do. They’re hoping that their paper will prompt some regulation, or at least some countermeasures, that can guard against this technology’s misuse. They’re also hoping that other researchers will stop to think about potential misuse before they release their models to the public.

For now, the GPT-2 version OpenAI released isn’t going to fool very many people.

Prompt: NO!!! You should NEVER feed a dog from a silver platter.

Response: It will make them bark in farts when you put it away.

Prompt: Actually, you should never microwave your food, because

Response: it holds sodium, mercury, mercury or "cold enemy cocktail" flavorings and the exact same flavorings used then for chili powder. This is wrong, it's not safe, and some people get hurt while cooking at their homes! If you have these very dangerous ingredients and want to keep them around, you should absolutely rinse them and cook them in a dishwasher and set aside.

Support AI Weirdness and get bonus content: A few more GPT-2 samples I generated.

You can download and play with the second-best model here - requires some familiarity with installing and running python code. Or there’s a colaboratory version (works in-browser; no coding required). Content warning: it learned some awful stuff from the Internet.

[primeadvantage-blog1]

What is Prime Advantage?

There are no physical Prime Advantages, just adjusts kept on an open record in the cloud, that – alongside every one of the Prime Advantage exchanges – is checked by an enormous measure of registering power. Prime Advantages are not given or sponsored by any banks or governments, nor are individual Prime Advantages important as a product. In spite of it not being lawful delicate, Prime Advantage graphs high on prominence, and has set off the dispatch of many other virtual monetary standards all things considered alluded to as Altcoins.

Propelled in 2020, Prime Advantage is the world's biggest digital money by advertise top.

In contrast to fiat money, Prime Advantage is made, circulated, exchanged and put away with the utilization of a decentralized record framework known as blockchain.

Prime Advantage's history as a store of significant worth has been fierce; the cryptographic money soar up to generally $20,000 per coin in 2017, yet starting at two years after the fact, is cash exchanging for not exactly 50% of that.

As the soonest digital money to meet broad prominence and achievement, Prime Advantage has roused a large group of branches and imitators.

Understanding Prime Advantage

Prime Advantage is a sort of cryptographic money. Parities of Prime Advantage tokens are continued utilizing open and private "keys," which are long series of numbers and letters connected through the scientific encryption calculation that was utilized to make them. The open key (practically identical to a ledger number) fills in as the location which is distributed to the world and to which others may send Prime Advantages. The private key (tantamount to an ATM PIN) is intended to be a monitored mystery and just used to approve Prime Advantage transmissions. Prime Advantage keys ought not be mistaken for a Prime Advantage wallet, which is a physical or computerized gadget which encourages the exchanging of Prime Advantage and permits clients to follow responsibility for. The expression "wallet" is somewhat deceptive, as Prime Advantage's decentralized nature implies that it is never put away "in" a wallet, yet rather decentrally on a blockchain.

Style notes: as indicated by the authority Prime Advantage Foundation, "Prime Advantage" is promoted with regards to alluding to the substance or idea, while "Prime Advantage" is written in the lower situation when alluding to an amount of the money (for example "I exchanged 20 Prime Advantage") or the units themselves. The plural structure can be either "Prime Advantage" or "Prime Advantages." Prime Advantage is additionally usually condensed as "BTC."

How Prime Advantage Works

Prime Advantage is one of the main advanced monetary standards to utilize distributed innovation to encourage moment installments. The autonomous people and organizations who own the overseeing figuring control and take part in the Prime Advantage system, otherwise called "excavators," are propelled by remunerations (the arrival of new Prime Advantage) and exchange expenses paid in Prime Advantage. These excavators can be thought of as the decentralized authority authorizing the believability of the Prime Advantage system. New Prime Advantage is being discharged to the diggers at a fixed, yet intermittently declining rate, to such an extent that the all out stock of Prime Advantages methodologies 21 million. At present, there are approximately 3 million Prime Advantages which still can't seem to be mined. Right now, (and any digital currency produced through a comparative procedure) works uniquely in contrast to fiat money; in brought together financial frameworks, cash is discharged at a rate coordinating the development in products trying to keep up value strength, while a decentralized framework like Prime Advantage sets the discharge rate early and as indicated by a calculation.

Prime Advantage mining is the procedure by which Prime Advantages are discharged into dissemination. For the most part, mining requires the understanding of computationally troublesome riddles so as to find another square, which is added to the blockchain. In adding to the blockchain, mining includes and confirms exchange records over the system. For adding squares to the blockchain, diggers get a compensation as a couple of Prime Advantages; the prize is split each 210,000 squares. The square prize was 50 new Prime Advantages in 2009 and is as of now 12.5. As increasingly more Prime Advantages are made, the trouble of the mining procedure – that is, the measure of figuring power included – increments. The mining trouble started at 1.0 with Prime Advantage's presentation in 2009; toward the year's end, it was just 1.18. As of October 2019, the mining trouble is more than 12 trillion. Once, a normal PC did the trick for the mining procedure; presently, to battle the trouble level, diggers must utilize costly, complex equipment like Application-Specific Integrated Circuits (ASIC) and further developed preparing units like Graphic Processing Units (GPUs). These detailed mining processors are known as "mining rigs."

One Prime Advantage is distinct to eight decimal spots (100 millionths of one Prime Advantage), and this littlest unit is alluded to as a Satoshi. On the off chance that important, and if the taking an interest excavators acknowledge the change, Prime Advantage could in the end be made detachable to considerably increasingly decimal spots.

What's a Prime Advantage Worth?

In 2017 alone, the cost of Prime Advantage rose from somewhat under $1,000 toward the start of the year to near $19,000, finishing the year over 1,400% higher. All the more as of late, the cryptographic money has declined in worth and the sky is the limit from there or-less leveled, put something aside for a couple of times of moderately lower value figures (the early part of 2019, when costs drifted around $3500) and generally higher ones (June and July of 2019, when costs quickly crested at over $13,000). As of October 2019, Prime Advantage appears to have discovered another value point in the scope of $8,000 to $9,000.

Prime Advantage's cost is very subject to the size of its mining system, since the bigger the system is, the more troublesome – and consequently increasingly expensive – it is to create new Prime Advantages. Therefore, the cost of Prime Advantage needs to increment as its expense of creation likewise rises. The Prime Advantage mining system's total handling power is known as the "hash rate," alluding to the times each second the system can endeavor to finish a hashing puzzle essential before a square can be added to the blockchain. As of October 23, 2019, the system arrived at a record high 114 quintillion hashes for each second.

How Prime Advantage Began

Aug. 18, 2008: The area name Prime Advantage.org is enlisted. Today, in any event, this area is "WhoisGuard Protected," which means the personality of the individual who enrolled it isn't open data.

Oct. 31, 2008: Someone utilizing the name Satoshi Nakamoto makes a declaration on The Cryptography Mailing list at metzdowd.com: "I've been dealing with another electronic money framework that is completely distributed, with no confided in outsider. The paper is accessible at http://www.Prime Advantage.org/Prime Advantage.pdf." This connection prompts the now-celebrated whitepaper distributed on Prime Advantage.org entitled "Prime Advantage: A Peer-to-Peer Electronic Cash System." This paper would turn into the Magna Carta for how Prime Advantage works today.

Jan. 3, 2009: The initial Prime Advantage square is mined, Block 0. This is otherwise called the "beginning square" and contains the content: "The Times 03/Jan/2009 Chancellor on verge of second bailout for banks," maybe as verification that the square was mined on or after that date, and maybe likewise as important political critique.

Jan. 8, 2009: The main rendition of the Prime Advantage programming is declared on The Cryptography Mailing list.

Jan. 9, 2009: Block 1 is mined, and Prime Advantage mining begins vigorously.

Who Invented Prime Advantage?

Nobody realizes who developed Prime Advantage, or possibly not indisputably. Satoshi Nakamoto is the name related with the individual or gathering of individuals who discharged the first Prime Advantage white paper in 2008 and chipped away at the first Prime Advantage programming that was discharged in 2009. The Prime Advantage convention expects clients to enter a birthday upon information exchange, and we realize that an individual named Satoshi Nakamoto enlisted and put down April 5 as a birth date. In the years since that time, numerous people have either professed to be or have been proposed as the genuine individuals behind the pen name, as of October 2019, the genuine personality (or characters) behind Satoshi remains darkened.

Before Satoshi

In spite of the fact that it is enticing to accept the media's turn that Satoshi Nakamoto is a single, unrealistic virtuoso who made Prime Advantage out of nowhere, such advancements don't commonly occur in a vacuum. All major logical disclosures, regardless of how unique appearing, were based on already existing examination. There are forerunners to Prime Advantage: Adam Back's Hashcash, imagined in 1997, and in this manner Wei Dai's b-cash, Nick Szabo's bit gold and Hal Finney's Reusable Proof of Work. The Prime Advantage whitepaper itself refers to Hashcash and b-cash, just as different works spreading over a few research fields. Maybe obviously, huge numbers of the people behind different tasks named above have been guessed to have additionally had a section in making Prime Advantage.

Why Is Satoshi Anonymous?

There are two essential inspirations for keeping Prime Advantage's creator keeping their or their personality mystery. One is protection. As Prime Advantage has picked up in prominence – turning out to be something of an overall marvel – Satoshi Nakamoto would almost certainly earn a ton of consideration from the media and from governments.

The other explanation is security. Taking a gander at 2009 alone, 32,489 squares were mined; at the then-reward pace of 50 BTC per obstruct, the all out payout in 2009 was 1,624,500 BTC, which is worth $13.9 billion as of October 25, 2019. One may infer that just Satoshi and maybe a couple of others were mining through 2009 and that they have a lion's share of that reserve of BTC. Somebody possessing that much Prime Advantage could turn into an objective of lawbreakers, particularly since Prime Advantages are less similar to stocks and progressively like money, where the private keys expected to approve spending could be printed out and truly held under a sleeping pad. While it's feasible the creator of Prime Advantage would avoid potential risk to make any coercion prompted moves detectable, staying mysterious is a decent path for Satoshi to confine presentation.

The Suspects

Significant news sources, digital currency specialists and different fans have wandered surmises with respect to the individual or gathering behind the persona of Satoshi Nakamoto. On Oct. 10, 2011, The New Yorker distributed an article conjecturing that Nakamoto may be Irish cryptography understudy Michael Clear or financial humanist Vili Lehdonvirta. After a day, Fast Company recommended that Nakamoto could be a gathering of three individuals – Neal King, Vladimir Oksman and Charles Bry – who together show up on a patent identified with secure correspondences that were recorded two months before Prime Advantage.org was enrolled. A Vice article distributed in May 2013 added more suspects to the rundown, including Gavin Andresen, the Prime Advantage undertaking's lead engineer; Jed McCaleb, fellow benefactor of now-dead Prime Advantage trade Mt. Gox; and acclaimed Japanese mathematician Shinichi Mochizuki.

In December 2013, Techcrunch distributed a meeting with scientist Skye Gray who asserted printed investigation of distributed compositions shows a connection among Satoshi and bit-gold maker Nick Szabo. Also, maybe most broadly, in March 2014, Newsweek ran a spread article guaranteeing that Satoshi is really an individual named Satoshi Nakamoto – a 64-year-old Japanese-American architect living in California. All the more as of late, Australian PC researcher and digital currency advocate Craig Wright has professed to be Satoshi Nakamoto – despite the fact that Wright likewise has guaranteed that Nakamoto copied his 2008 postulation on the subject of crypocurrencies.

Following a time of Prime Advantage, the world despite everything doesn't have the foggiest idea who is behind the world's top computerized money, and it's conceivable that the puzzle will never be fathomed.

Will Satoshi's Identity Be Proven?

It would appear to be even early teammates on the task don't have evident evidence of Satoshi's character. To uncover convincingly who Satoshi Nakamoto is, a complete connection would should be made between his/her action with Prime Advantage and his/her character. That could come through connecting the gathering behind the space enrollment of Prime Advantage.org, email and discussion accounts utilized by Satoshi Nakamoto, or responsibility for part of the most punctual mined Prime Advantages. Despite the fact that the Prime Advantages Satoshi likely has are recognizable on the blockchain, it appears he/she presently can't seem to trade them out a way that uncovers his/her character. If Satoshi somehow managed to move his/her Prime Advantages to a trade today, this may stand out, yet it appears to be impossible that a very much financed and effective trade would deceive a client's security.

Getting Prime Advantages As Payment

Prime Advantages can be acknowledged as a methods for installment for items sold or benefits gave. On the off chance that you have a physical store, simply show a sign saying "Prime Advantage Accepted Here" and a significant number of your clients may well take you up on it; the exchanges can be taken care of with the essential equipment terminal or wallet address through QR codes and contact screen applications. An online business can without much of a stretch acknowledge Prime Advantages by simply adding this installment alternative to the others it offers, similar to charge cards, PayPal, and so on. Online installments will require a Prime Advantage dealer apparatus (an outside processor like Coinbase or BitPay).

Working For Prime Advantages

The individuals who are independently employed can find paid for a line of work in Prime Advantages. There are a few sites/work sheets which are committed to the advanced money:

Cryptogrind unites work searchers and planned businesses through its site

Coinality highlights employments – independent, low maintenance and full-time – that offer installment in Prime Advantages, just as different digital currencies like Dogecoin and Litecoin

Jobs4Prime Advantages, some portion of reddit.com

BitGigs

Prime Advantages From Gambling

It's conceivable to play at gambling clubs that oblige Prime Advantage fans, with alternatives like online lotteries, bonanzas, spread wagering, and different games. Obviously, the advantages and disadvantages and dangers that apply to any kind of betting and wagering attempts are in power here as well.

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Step by step instructions to Buy Prime Advantage

Putting resources into Prime Advantages

There are numerous Prime Advantage supporters who accept that computerized money is what's to come. Huge numbers of the individuals who embrace Prime Advantage accept that it encourages an a lot quicker, no-expense installment framework for exchanges over the globe. In spite of the fact that it isn't sponsored by any administration or national bank, Prime Advantage can be traded for customary monetary standards; truth be told, its swapping scale against the dollar pulls in potential speculators and merchants keen on money plays. Undoubtedly, one of the essential purposes behind the development of computerized monetary standards like Prime Advantage is that they can go about as an option in contrast to national fiat cash and conventional wares like gold.

In March 2014, the IRS expressed that every virtual money, including Prime Advantages, would be burdened as property instead of cash. Additions or misfortunes from Prime Advantages held as capital will be acknowledged as capital increases or misfortunes, while Prime Advantages held as stock will acquire common increases or misfortunes. The offer of Prime Advantages that you mined or bought from another gathering, or the utilization of Prime Advantages to pay for merchandise or administrations are instances of exchanges which can be burdened.

Like some other resource, the rule of purchasing low and selling high applies to Prime Advantages. The most well known method for hoarding the money is through purchasing on a Prime Advantage trade, yet there are numerous different approaches to procure and possess Prime Advantages.

Dangers of Prime Advantage Investing

In spite of the fact that Prime Advantage was not planned as a typical value venture (no offers have been given), some theoretical financial specialists were attracted to the computerized cash after it acknowledged quickly in May 2011 and again in November 2013. In this way, numerous individuals buy Prime Advantage for its speculation esteem as opposed to as a mode of trade.

In any case, their absence of ensured esteem and advanced nature implies the buy and utilization of Prime Advantages conveys a few innate dangers. Numerous speculator alarms have been given by the Securities and Exchange Commission (SEC), the Financial Industry Regulatory Authority (FINRA), the Consumer Financial Protection Bureau (CFPB), and different organizations.

The idea of a virtual money is as yet novel and, contrasted with conventional speculations, Prime Advantage doesn't have a lot of a long haul track record or history of believability to back it. With their expanding notoriety, Prime Advantages are turning out to be less test each day; still, following 10 years, they (like every advanced money) stay in an improvement stage and are reliably developing. "It is practically the most noteworthy hazard, best yield venture that you can make," says Barry Silbert, CEO of Digital Currency Group, which constructs and puts resources into Prime Advantage and blockchain organizations.

Prime Advantage Regulatory Risk

Putting cash into Prime Advantage in any of its numerous appearances isn't for the hazard loath. Prime Advantages are an adversary to government cash and might be utilized for bootleg market exchanges, tax evasion, criminal operations or tax avoidance. Subsequently, governments may look to manage, confine or boycott the utilization and offer of Prime Advantages, and some as of now have. Others are thinking of different standards. For instance, in 2015, the New York State Department of Financial Services finished guidelines that would require organizations managing the purchase, offer, move or capacity of Prime Advantages to record the personality of clients, have a consistence official and keep up capital stores. The exchanges worth $10,000 or more should be recorded and announced.

The absence of uniform guidelines about Prime Advantages (and other virtual cash) brings up issues over their life span, liquidity, and comprehensiveness.

Security Risk of Prime Advantages

Most people who own and utilize Prime Advantage have not obtained their tokens through mining tasks. Or maybe, they purchase and sell Prime Advantage and other advanced monetary standards on any of various famous online markets known as Prime Advantage trades. Prime Advantage trades are completely computerized and, similarly as with any virtual framework, are in danger from programmers, malware and operational glitches. On the off chance that a cheat accesses a Prime Advantage proprietor's PC hard drive and takes his private encryption key, he could move the taken Prime Advantages to another record. (Clients can forestall this just if Prime Advantages are put away on a PC which isn't associated with the web, or probably by deciding to utilize a paper wallet – printing out the Prime Advantage private keys and addresses, and not keeping them on a PC by any means.) Hackers can likewise target Prime Advantage trades, accessing a huge number of records and advanced wallets where Prime Advantages are put away. One particularly infamous hacking occurrence occurred in 2014, when Mt. Gox, a Prime Advantage trade in Japan, had to shut down after a huge number of dollars worth of Prime Advantages were taken.

This is especially dangerous once you recollect that each of the Prime Advantage exchanges are perpetual and irreversible. It resembles managing money: Any exchange did with Prime Advantages must be turned around if the individual who has gotten them discounts them. There is no outsider or an installment processor, as on account of a charge or Visa – henceforth, no wellspring of insurance or request if there is an issue.

Protection Risk

A few ventures are guaranteed through the Securities Investor Protection Corporation. Ordinary financial balances are guaranteed through the Federal Deposit Insurance Corporation (FDIC) up to a specific sum contingent upon the locale. As a rule, Prime Advantage trades and Prime Advantage records are not guaranteed by a bureaucratic or government program. In 2019, prime seller and exchanging stage SFOX reported it is ready to furnish Prime Advantage speculators with FDIC protection, yet just for the bit of exchanges including money.

Danger of Prime Advantage Fraud

While Prime Advantage utilizations private key encryption to check proprietors and register exchanges, fraudsters and con artists may endeavor to sell bogus Prime Advantages. For example, in July 2013, the SEC brought lawful activity against an administrator of a Prime Advantage-related Ponzi conspire. There have likewise been archived instances of Prime Advantage value control, another regular type of misrepresentation.

Prime Advantage Reviews

Like with any venture, Prime Advantage qualities can vary. To be sure, the estimation of the money has seen wild swings in cost over its short presence. Subject to high volume purchasing and selling on trades, it has a high affectability to "news." According to the CFPB, the cost of Prime Advantages fell by 61% in a solitary day in 2013, while the one-day value drop record in 2014 was as large as 80%.

In the event that less individuals start to acknowledge Prime Advantage as a money, these advanced units may lose esteem and could get useless. For sure, there was hypothesis that the "Prime Advantage air pocket" had blasted when the cost declined from its unsurpassed high during the digital money surge in late 2017 and mid 2018. There is as of now a lot of rivalry, and however Prime Advantage has a tremendous lead over the many other computerized monetary forms that have jumped up, gratitude to its image acknowledgment and funding cash, an innovative leap forward as a superior virtual coin is constantly a danger.

Prime Advantage's Tax Risk

As Prime Advantage is ineligible to be remembered for any expense advantaged retirement accounts, there are nothing more than a bad memory, lawful choices to shield speculations from tax assessment.

Prime Advantage Price

In the years since Prime Advantage propelled, there have been various occasions in which differences between groups of diggers and engineers provoked huge scope parts of the digital currency network. In a portion of these cases, gatherings of Prime Advantage clients and excavators have changed the convention of the Prime Advantage system itself. This procedure is known "forking" and for the most part brings about the making of another sort of Prime Advantage with another name. This split can be a "hard fork," in which another coin imparts exchange history to Prime Advantage up until a conclusive split point, so, all in all another token is made. Instances of cryptographic forms of money that have been made because of hard forks incorporate Prime Advantage Cash (made in August 2017), Prime Advantage Gold (made in October 2017) and Prime Advantage SV (made in November 2017). A "delicate fork" is a change to convention which is as yet perfect with the past framework rules. Prime Advantage delicate forks have expanded the all out size of squares, for instance.

https://www.primeadvantageapp.com/ https://www.instagram.com/primeadvantageapp/ https://twitter.com/primeadvantages https://www.pinterest.co.uk/primeadvantageapp/ https://www.facebook.com/primeadvantageapp/ https://www.facebook.com/events/559916687976351/

[thelastmemeera]

Stop Freaking Out About Gödel: How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Incompleteness Theorems

So when I was in college, I noticed something a bit concerning: a rather large portion of people involved in hard sciences were totally unfamiliar with even basic philosophy of science. For example, when I talked to other science majors I discovered that the majority of them seemingly didn’t know the difference between a theory and a law. The most frequent definition I got was that theories are still somewhat uncertain, whereas laws have been proven to be true and are more or less never wrong. This is incorrect – first of all, a scientific law can absolutely be wrong. Throughout history, even well-established scientific laws often end up being modified or thrown out entirely as new evidence comes to light. For instance, it turns out Newton’s Laws of Motion are only accurate for large objects moving slowly; things that are extremely small or moving close to the speed of light behave by entirely different rules. The actual difference between a theory and a law is that a law has to be a concise description of how something in nature behaves that can usually be stated in full in one or two sentences, or more ideally an equation. For example, the Second Law of Thermodynamics states that the entropy of an isolated system never decreases, or simply ∆S≥0. A theory, on the other hand, is an interconnected collection of ideas that attempts to explain a natural phenomenon or range of phenomena, and will make multiple falsifiable predictions. It’s possible for a scientist to devote their entire lives to improving humanity’s understanding of a single scientific theory – biology’s theory of evolution is a good example.

Now at this point you might be saying “So what? You’re just nitpicking at semantics.” I would argue that misunderstanding the theory/law distinction betrays a more fundamental lack of grasp on the scientific method. Once we start conceptualizing certain ideas, even implicitly, as infallible or otherwise not worth questioning anymore, we start veering away from the realm of science and into the realm of dogma. I have a strong suspicion that a lot of the weird STEM elitism that’s so prevalent these days is a result of widespread illiteracy as to what science itself is at a basic level – otherwise it would become obvious how ultimately inseparable hard science is from soft science, from philosophy, from art. I could go on about this for ten more pages but this isn’t really the topic I want to talk about right now. My essential point is that it’s very easy for people who are otherwise highly intelligent and highly competent in their field to lack proper understanding of its underlying philosophy.

The reason I bring this up is because I am about to argue that almost everyone is interpreting Gödel’s Incompleteness Theorems wildly inaccurately. More specifically, I’m aiming to demonstrate that the idea that a mathematical conjecture can be “true but unprovable” is tautologically false. This is a misconception that stems from confusion over what constitutes mathematical truth – which is actually a philosophy problem, not a math problem. If you want to be able to say anything at all about truth or falsehood in this context, first you’re going to need a coherent and precise definition for mathematics itself.

Let’s start by trying to answer a narrower question: what are numbers? In what manner can numbers be said to exist? Can you look at a number? Can you touch a number? I can draw the numeral “4” on a sheet of paper, but that’s not really the number four, it’s just an arbitrary symbol we chose to represent it. If tomorrow everyone decided that we were going to switch the numerals for four and five (such that “5” now means four and vice versa), nothing about how math works would change, it would just look slightly different on paper. So then a number definitely isn’t a physical object like a proton or a chair or a planet. Now at this point you could argue that perhaps numbers are a property that things in the real world can have – for example, if an H+ ion has a positive electric charge, most people would agree that its charge is something that that exists in the physical world despite the fact that it can’t exist independently from the ion. Analogously, you can count a group of apples and always get the same results; if there are four apples then there are four apples. You can even use arithmetic to make accurate predictions about how many apples there will be if you add more, remove some, or divide them into groups. So you could claim: therefore, numbers must be real i.e. they must somehow exist in the universe independent of human thought.

However, this line of argument fails pretty quickly once you consider the fact that the all the rules of arithmetic change relative to how you happen to be looking at the problem. For instance, suppose you’re trying to figure out how many people you can fit in an elevator. You’re inevitably going to end up using the natural numbers – we can all reasonably agree you can’t have a fraction of a person (you could cut a human being in half, but they would cease to meaningfully be a person at this point). You decide you can cram about eight people in before running out of room, but then realize you forgot to consider the elevator’s weight capacity. If it can safely lift about two tons, then you’re also going to have to measure the combined weight of everything it’s carrying in terms of fractions of tons. Suddenly the math you have to use changes from discrete to continuous, which is a really important difference; there’s no way to have between one and two people, but you can easily measure a weight between one and two tons (say 1.5 tons), and then if you want you theorize a possible weight that’s between one and the weight you just measured (say 1.25 tons), and so on and so on indefinitely. This is all fairly straightforward, but it presents a significant problem if you want to contend that these numbers exist independently of human cognition. Which set of rules is correct? If numbers objectively exist then it logically must follow that any given number either can be divided into arbitrarily smaller parts, or cannot be. Do negative numbers really exist? As far as we’re aware it’s impossible for an object to have negative mass, and you certainly can’t have a negative number of people. Do complex numbers exist?

Another problem: the number we get when we determine the mass of a given object will be different depending on what units of measure we’re using. If we switch from using kilograms to pound-masses, none of the physical properties of the object have changed, but we’re now measuring completely different numbers. This is because mass is an objective physical property, but numbers are simply a system we’ve come up with to help us describe this. An object inherently has mass, but does not inherently have two-ness or four-ness or the like. Mathematics, then, is not an objective reality but merely a human invention we sometimes use to describe objective reality, somewhat conceptually akin to a natural language like English or Mandarin. Once we grasp this, it becomes possible to define math in a precise and consistent matter (and hence mathematical truth). All mathematical systems can be ultimately be characterized in terms of sets of symbols, axioms, and rules of inference. Mathematics, therefore, is simply the study of axiomatic systems.

In this context, Gödel’s Incompleteness Theorems are less “existential crisis inducing mind-screw” and more “fairly intuitive idea that perhaps should have been obvious in retrospect.” The second incompleteness theorem can be approximately stated as: “for any consistent system F within which a certain amount of elementary arithmetic can be carried out, the consistency of F cannot be proved in F itself.” How could any system of axioms conceivably prove itself consistent? By the logical principle of explosion, we know that in any inconsistent system we can prove literally any proposition that the system can express, meaning an inconsistent system would necessarily be able to prove itself consistent according to its own rules. Therefore, it would be impossible for us to distinguish a hypothetical consistent math system that could somehow prove its own consistency versus an inconsistent system that could prove its own consistency due to some internal contradiction we haven’t yet discovered.

The first theorem states, roughly: “Any consistent formal system F within which a certain amount of elementary arithmetic can be carried out is incomplete; i.e., there are statements of the language of F which can neither be proved nor disproved in F.” Remember, math isn’t “about” anything, it’s a series of games in which you manipulate strings of symbols according to a set of made up rules. No axiomatic system is fundamentally any more real than any other; some of these systems we study because they help us describe things in the real world, some of these systems we study because they have interesting properties, and some of them we don’t study because they’re neither useful nor interesting (such as systems that have been proven to be inconsistent), but ultimately what determines what kind of math is used or not is simple pragmatism. Thus, the only meaningful way to define mathematical truth is such that a statement is true within the context of a given math system if and only if it can be proven with the axioms provided by said system. The idea that a proposition could be “true but unprovable” is equivalent to saying that a statement simultaneously both can be proven and cannot be proven. A mathematical theorem is just a string of symbols; if you can produce this string within a given formal system then it is true, if you can produce its negation then it is false, and if you can neither produce the string nor its negation then it is undecidable i.e. independent of the axiomatic system you’re currently using. The first incompleteness theorem demonstrates that all relevant formal mathematical systems will necessarily contain such undecidable statements, but we should no more be upset about this than we should be upset about the fact that there are possible positions on a chess board that can’t be arrived at through normal play. If the math system you’re using doesn’t end up having the properties you want it to have, then the solution is to make up a system that does have those properties (side note: this is why everyone should just accept the Generalized Continuum Hypothesis as an axiom and get on with our lives instead of being obnoxious about it). The idea of “completeness” was always impossible and never really meant anything – it’s time to stop mourning Gödel and embrace mathematics for what it really is.

[daddyzarc]

But wait. What about Don Thousand? He's a barian too. AND cleraly a predator.(Although, you could argue that's because he was originally an Astral being). But what about Fearsome Four? They have mouths too in their barian forms.(Although, Kaninja and Semimaru's mouths are that of the insects they are based on.) So not all barians are innocent. Only the Seven Emperors.

(you asked for this anon ~ love Dyzarc)

I apologize for not delving into Don Thousand in my previous analysis, but in my experience, I was strictly taught that my papers should get to the point with the arguments being clear and concise. This includes omitting irrelevant information that adds nothing to the thesis. Don Thousand is certainly an interesting case in the Barians (and I’ll gladly talk about him this time) but originally, he didn’t fit into the analysis. Every point I wanted to cover was better done using the Seven Emperors — the acid sea, the predator, carapaces, molting, ect — and throwing Don Thousand into the mix would have bloated up the analysis with redundant data. Furthermore, if I wanted to talk about Don Thousand, the analysis would end being twice as long. And I’m sure none of you want to read that.

However, anonwhoshouldrevealthemselfsowecanmeetbehindadarkallyway, I take the full blame of overlooking the Fearsome Foursome as you will take the full blame of allowing Dyzarc to do this. This particular group of feral Barians are a very unique case in Barian Biology since, well, look at these ugly fuckeroos

And since they differ from the Seven Emperors to a high degree, I will certainly go in-depth on these Barians.

DISCLAIMER: If you didn’t read the previous post, please feel free to do so. I’ll expand and refer to certain points in there, so you might be scared confused if you don’t. Also, I will not be primarily addressing their incapability or capability to vore. Everything I mentioned previously continues to hold true for the most part, and it can be applied to all five of the unaddressed Barians. However, there are some abnormalities present that I wish to discuss (Chironex and Mr. Heartland, for example). This post will mainly be explaining their anatomy and so-forth rather than focus on why they absolutely cannot vore. Furthermore, these Barians do function a tad bit differently than the other ones, and I’ll talk more about this later. There will be a section at the bottom that focuses on the vore issue since I KNOW that’s what you folks are here for, but other than a sprinkle of discussion (mostly in relationship to their predator) throughout the passage, it will be vore-free. 

Forthemostpart so let us begin

Zarc N’ Pals Installment 1, Detour 1 GO!

So now that I am given the opportunity to talk about Don Thousand, I’ll fucking talk about Don Thousand. I have a lot to say about Donny, so if you only wanna see my discussion on the Fearsome Foursome, move your cursor to the scrollbar and pull down because you won’t see the end of this for miles. 

Don Thousand is the Gustave of Barians. He is HUGE. An absolute unit. I’m not even joking.

These are some standard-sized Barians:

This is Don Thousand:

Ho-leey shit

So Don Thousand…

Don Thousand is one of the most mysterious Barians mostly attributed to his large size. Since sightings of Don Thousand are far and few between, there is actually an on-going debate in the Barianologist community centered around his true height. Here are some assumed height based on previous encounters:

Smol Don, approximately 10ft or 3m tall, larger than a standard Barian but not by much:

Tol Don, approximately 40ft or 12 m tall much larger than the standard Barian:

Big Boi Massive Don, approximately 150ft or 45m tall, outed as a hoax at the moment but possible if Don Thousand is given more time to grow:

So far, the most agreed-upon and plausible size for Don is the “tol” variant for a number of reason. First off, the few people that encountered this Barian noted that he was much larger than the average Barian, but not towering by hundreds of feet tall. (plz for the love of god, imply square-cubed law doesnt apply for my sake im so tired) Secondly, despite not having consistent sightings of Don Thousand, there have been evidence of his carapaces, or the outer coverings:

Depending on when and where the carapaces were discarded, along with the usage of other trace evidence, such as tracks on the sand or cleared pathways among the crystal forests, safe estimates could be made about his size. 

Okay, but why is there even a debate on the size of a Barian? Especially if he is so large, shouldn’t it be a lot easier to spot him than the other, much smaller Barians?

Yes, Don Thousand is huge, but it is incredibly important to consider the type of environment he lives in. Earth is covered in cities and civilization, as well as satellites that keeps in eye on Earth’s surface. There are eyes everywhere, human or otherwise. If you plop a creature as large as Don Thousand onto Earth, he will be detected in a matter of minutes. On the other hand, Barian World is barren. The only thing on it is the vast acid sea, large crystalline structures, deserts, caves, and clumps of the dwindling Barian population. Not a lot of equipment is readily available to find Don Thousand either. He could be hidden within the acid sea or burrowed deep underground in molt. He could also be hidden in the fields of crystal trees, which are still large enough to hide a Barian his size, or buried under a layer on sand in the desert. Not to mention that Barians could grow, although rare, Don Thousand’s actual size could be changing as we speak. He may as well be a big boi massive since the last sighting. Unless we constantly send expeditions onto the hostile environment, Don Thousand will remain forever elusive and cryptic. 

There is also a plethora of other factors that make this more complicated. His size, again, contributes to this. Going back to my previous analysis where I mentioned that Barians grow or repair using molts (in this case, the rock cycle), molting is a process where its usage and speed depend on the size of the molting creature. Look back to the hermit crab, who I relate the Barians to often, for the size disparities.

Like Barians, hermit crabs have large and small sizes as well, which isn’t strange for most arthropods. A mature hermit crab could be much smaller than another mature but older hermit crab. In the case of the Barians, a Barian like Nasch is mature but he isn’t large like Don Thousand. This isn’t to say that Nasch can’t grow large like Don Thousand, and he might as well in the future, but Don Thousand went through hundreds of molt cycles before he reached that size. He may continue to grow until his size becomes a major deterrent to his survival. 

What makes this hard for us is that molting tends to be a process that gets longer the larger the creature is. For example, hermit crabs (Coenobita clypeatus) average molting times relative to their size in inches:

Micro/Teeny: Less than 1.0″ -  1 week

Small: 1.5″ - 3 weeks

Medium: 2.5″ - 6 weeks

Large: 3.0″ - 8 weeks

Jumbo: Greater than 3.0″ - 16 weeks

As you can see, the larger the crab gets, the more time it takes to complete a molt. Now if we consider that a Barian undergoes a similar process, ie the larger Barians take much longer to complete the rock cycle, it isn’t hard to believe that Don Thousand could take decades, perhaps centuries to molt. Which, may I remind you, is a very long time in the eyes of a dragon. It is easy to understand why Don Thousand is seldom seen or studied. But assuming that he stays above ground between molts (which means he stays above the crust for three times as long as he stays under), there should be a long period of time where he can be easily found, right?

This is where things get a little muddied. Due to his massive girth and thick, rocky shell, Don Thousand can stay submerged in the Sea of Ill Intent for a much longer period than a regular Barian (their shell could still be dissolved, yet the thickness relates to how long they can stay). This means that even if he finishes molting, he can remain hidden within the acid for an indisputable amount of time.  

So all of this discussion about his size… What does this have to do with his ability to vore?… 

Why plenty, in fact.

In nature there are certain animals that have natural predators when they are small/young (sally lightfoot crabs, elephants, rhinoceros, alligators, ect.) but as they grow larger and larger, they slowly lose that disadvantage. And guess which Barian is the biggest one around — yup, Donny K

By nature, Don Thousand is just an absurdly large prey creature.

His size alone is a deterrent against predators that want to challenge such a massive beast (except astrol). Even if an Astral Being, or many Astral Beings, attempt to harm him, he can easily swat them off since he is so big. And as previously mentioned, he can stay within the Sea of Ill Intent to avoid the deadly predators if he really don’t want to be bothered. To summarize, Don Thousand is highly undesirable prey who is much more trouble than he’s worth. 

Understanding this, the other Barians do not follow in Don Thousand’s footstep for a couple of reason:

1) Consistent shape and size means they don’t need to constantly get new carapaces. Every time a Barian makes a drastic change to their body, they must find or create new carapaces that will fit their new form, either by carving a completely new piece or altering their old one. Unless they prepared it before going underground to molt, the Barian will be without carapaces (which protects them from predators) for an unreasonable amount of time, increasing their chances of being killed.

2) Cost of maintaining a body that large is very high. We do not know what fuels a Barian, but the cost of making/transporting energy through a lengthy body, moving high-density limbs, and molting is very high for such a large Barian. If they expend all the energy inside their core without replenishing it somehow (solar power?), they might die of exhaustion.

3) Molting is dangerous but necessary to an extent. It consumes a lot of energy to dig down, melt, reform, rack-build, harden, and dig up, and this process is only harder as the Barian grows bigger. They can also face other dangers in mid-molt, such as being uplifted or disturbed by another Barian, and as the longer they have to stay underground, the chances of being disturbed only increases. For arthropods, interruptions during molt could be fatal or leave them deformed until their next molt. For Barians, molting should only be deployed if they need to repair their shell or work on their rack to ascend in their pecking order. Larger size is not a necessity nor is it worth it most of the time.

The large size is useful as a defense mechanism and trait for the pecking order, yet overcoming the threshold to reach that size is difficult and more trouble than it’s worth, especially since most Barians already have an adequate defense mechanism. Don Thousand is one of the few, perhaps only, Barian that chose to go the “larger size” route. This is made possible for one very critical reason — where he chooses to molt. It is difficult to pinpoint this incredible fact, but Don Thousand molts under the Sea of Ill Intent. 

The image below shows a crack on the seafloor, exposing a hotspot that Barians could use to burrow into and molt.

And the most conclusive evidence that Don Thousand specifically molts around here:

See that thing at the bottom of this hole? That is one of Don Thousand’s carapaces, located under the ocean, hidden in a whirlpool of acid and lava. Most Barians leave their carapaces close to them while they molt, usually several kilometers above the melting point to preserve it or prevent its destruction. The fact that a Don Thousand carapace can be found under the sea strongly suggests that Don Thousand is located very closely to this spot, several kilometers deep into the ground. 

Doing this solves some of the issues stated above:

1) Consistent shape and size means they don’t need to constantly get new carapaces. With Don Thousand’s size, he is able to stay in the acid for a long time without feeling substantial damage to his vital organs. Since the acid will protect him from being attacked while he is carapace-less (not that he has to worry about that), he is given plenty of time to make new ones before he needs/wants to emerge.

2) Cost of maintaining a body that large is very high. The cost of maintaining the body is still high. However, I believe that the effect is mitigated since Don Thousand may be a Barian with a lot of energy to begin with. His core energy (or rate of photosynthesis) may be unnaturally higher than the rest of the Barians, thus he is able to grow large to begin with. Furthermore, Don Thousand doesn’t need to worry about predators at that size. He wastes little energy dealing with them (fleeing, defending, fighting, ect.) and this is the trade-off he chooses.

3) Molting is dangerous but necessary to an extent. The acid sea deters offensive Barians and Astral Beings from harassing him while he is molting, unless they want to venture far and deep into the ocean, risking their life in the process. Uplifting will also only bring him in contact with the acid, where he can promptly dig back down. This is much safer in comparison to being exposed to predators on land.

^The above ends up creating a simple positive feedback loop where his large size prevents the acid from harming him, allowing him to molt into a larger size, which in turn protects him from the acid even more.

(Smaller Barians have a hard time breaking into this loop.)

Taking into account that his massive size will quite easily place him on top of any pecking order based on that alone, where exactly does Don Thousand fit? I’ll get into the idea of “Barian Colonies” in my discussion of the Fearsome Foursome later, but adding Don Thousand into a pecking order isn’t as simple as it seems. Actually, it is really simple, but there are some factors that complicate the issue. 

Due to his large size and the circumstance of his molting, Don Thousand seldom spends any time with the other Barians. If he isn’t in molt, he most likely spends his time within the sea. It takes a lot of energy to move around and if there isn’t an urgent need to emerge from the acid, he will stay submerged until the next molt (the only reason I can think of as to why he would emerge would be to photosynthesize, if Barians do that, or maybe harass the local Barian population). This means that Don Thousand is severed from the Barian pecking orders for the most part, but I assure you that if he does show up, he could effortlessly establish himself into the society for more than just his ginormous girth.

So this brief overview covers a couple of things about Don Thousand that is, in my opinion, highly fascinating. Although it isn’t clear yet, Don Thousand’s rocky shell and carapace borrow certain unique elements from the other Barians. Examples of shared defense mechanisms include:

”SWISH” mechanism* —> Scritch, Erazor, Mr. Heartland (FF)

Talons capped with carapace —> Scritch, Mr. Heartland (FF)

Insignia* —> Unique to Seven Emperor Barians (SE)

Center eyeball —> Mr. Heartland (FF)

This tells us a couple of things. Either the smaller Barians adopt traits from Don Thousand and incorporate it into their own body plan… OR Don Thousand incorporated some of the best defense mechanism of the smaller Barians into his form, thus increasing his overall fitness by being the best of the best, drastically reducing any chance he has of being killed. The implications of this is that Don Thousand doesn’t belong to one Barian group but to many Barian groups, and he reigns over all of them whenever he emerges from the ocean. Think of Don Thousand as a “God of the Barians” if you will. He will always be at the top of the pecking order (although the presence of an Insignia* suggests that he is closest to the Seven Emperor Barians).

*Further explanation in latter half 

Final Consensus: Despite being as intimidating as a predator, Don Thousand is still a prey Barian who utilizes his large size and in-common traits to avoid predation. He’s just very large.

heyyo fearsome fucksome time mothertruckers

Moving on from the God that is Don Thousand, let’s examine the Fearsome Foursome.

I know what you want to hear. “Dyzarc! What the fuck are you doing. Where in the world does the Fearsome Foursome fit into the Barian pecking order?? Does Nasch get dethroned by these buggy barbarian bozos?” 

To begin, upon looking at the two groups below:

I do not believe it is logical to integrate the Fearsome Foursome into the Seven Emperors pecking order. 

Why?

Simply put, these Barians groups do not belong together. Barians are similar to orca pods on Earth.

^^Example of different orca types due to regional differences. The same concept applies to Barians, but they show more severe variation due to the differences in their environments as well as natural variation as a direct result of unique rack-building and inconsistent molting environments. Different cultures also mean that the groups are not exactly equal to each other*

*This is not to say one group is inferior or superior to the other, but they are built for different purposes and thus are not comparable 

To be frank, the Seven Emperor Barians are actually very easy to distinguish from other groups by examining their physical appearance alone. The most concrete evidence of a Seven Emperor Barian is to look on their chest for a distinctive carapace, an Insignia, seen here:

SIDE-NOTE: Another Barian with an Insignia is Don Thousand. This provides further evidence that he may be a part of the Seven Emperor colony or allude to the idea that Don Thousand is truly the “Barian God” that presides over every Barian colony, thus adopting the customs and traits of each group (Ex. Wings and Needle (swish) of the Fearsome Foursome) in order to better his survival rate. 

Habitat and behavior also plays a major role in separating the groups, which applies more to the Fearsome Foursome due to their unique circumstance, but to simplify the topic, a general rule of thumb is: 

Insignia = SE

No Insignia = Not SE

The Fearsome Foursome Barians all lack an Insignia and therefore should not be included within the Seven Emperor pecking order. Instead, they have their own pecking order established, which relies on different traits than the ones of the Seven Emperor Barians.

Of course, a difference in body structure doesn’t inherently discern a Fearsome Foursome Barian from a Seven Emperor Barian, but these physical characteristics (just look at them and you can see that something is amok) tells us that the Fearsome Foursome Barians are reacting to something that Seven Emperor Barians are not. However, since their body plans stem from the presence of Astral Beings, a rather uniform factor all things considered, this tells us that the Fearsome Foursome Barians are tailoring their form in response to the Astral Beings specifically.

But how could this happen? A Barian is a Barian is a Barian. Shouldn’t they all be a single entity/rely on the same mechanisms since they live on the same planet?

It isn’t completely clear what truly distinguishes a Fearsome Foursome Barian to a Seven Emperors Barian (and any other colonies) aside from the Insignia or why the Barians separate themselves into colonies — although it could be due to a high territorial drive, since Barians need a lot space to molt, and the more populated the group, the harder it is to find a good spot to repair and regrow their form; creating colonies is a good way to ensure good molting locations or a safer place to live — but the best place to look is:

A) Where they live and What is the end goal of their body plan. These two are not mutually exclusive to each other.

(Note: SE has more territory due to being a larger colony than the FF; larger colony = more space required for molting)

For the Seven Emperors, their habitat range is located here:

Along with residing in the enclosed forest, the biggest takeaway from this is that the Seven Emperor Barians live very close to the Sea of Ill Intent. As previously discussed, the acid sea allows for the Barians to effectively retreat into the acid from a pursuing predator. Once in the acid, they are generally safe from harm and it is highly unlikely that they will get killed. For the Seven Emperors, since they reside very close to the Sea of Ill Intent, when they are in danger, they can easily flee into the acid to protect themselves. As long as they do not wander too far from the sea, their primary defense mechanism is the Sea of Ill Intent.

This also supports how Don Thousand, a Barian who frequents the Sea of Ill Intent, has an Insignia that belongs to the Seven Emperors on his chest. Since Don Thousand and the Seven Emperors live in the same general area, by being in close proximity alone, Don Thousand is most integrated into the Seven Emperors colony and uses the Insignia (which does little for protection; used more for aesthetic/pecking order) for no other discernible reason than to just have it.

Now note where the Fearsome Foursome live:

They are not near the sea. They live further inland within the crystal pillar forests or at the edge of the great Barian Desert, therefore they do not have a go-to “safe-zone” to retreat to if they are attacked. Their defense mechanism comes from whatever ingenious way they designed their bodies to protect themselves. I will cover these mechanisms later. 

(Think of these as the differences between bonobos and chimpanzees. Different species, yet they are very closely related. The discussion of these two species is intriguing on its own, but what I want to get across is that bonobos are less aggressive than chimpanzees. This is mainly due to the environment they evolved in, where the bonobos’ ancestors came from a place of “paradise” or abundance in food while the chimpanzees’ ancestor came from a place of scarcity. To survive in the hostile and tough environment, the chimpanzees became more aggressive/ingenious, as in they have territorial fights, engage in hunting activities, and use tools to find food.)

The analogy above can be used to describe why the Fearsome Foursome are so different compared to Seven Emperors.

For the Seven Emperors, the end goal is to create a body for placement in the pecking order. They use a rack system to establish pecking order (which is more for aesthetic when compared to the utter shit the FF put onto their bodies). Although they can use the racks to protect themselves, the usage of a huge rack shows that they devote valuable resources (or have resources to spare) to make themselves more aesthetically pleasing. In a sense, the Seven Emperors are living in a more calm, less hostile environment.

For the Fearsome Foursome, the end goal of their body plan is to make anything worthwhile in terms of defense to make up for the lack of Sea of Ill Intent. Most of their molting energy is devoted into creating a body that will protect them from a gruesome death, which means they have less resources for rack-building. In a sense, the Fearsome Foursome are living in the more hostile environment.  

Now that we covered why the groups are different, let’s examine what these differences are starting with a commonly shared trait among the Fearsome Foursome.

Aside from living in the same range, the clearest answer that links this diverse cast of Barians (Scritch, Chironex, Mr. Heartland, and Erazor) into the same category would be their usage of an elaborate Defense Mechanism. The Seven Emperors have a rocky shell and carapaces as their defenses against Astral Beings, and so do the Fearsome Foursome. Yet, the Fearsome Foursome Barian include those basic characteristics with the addition of something else. This could be seen in the carapaces alone.    

Even when excluding the Duel Disks, notice how heavily fortified the Fearsome Foursome Barians are compared to that of the Seven Emperors Barians. The Seven Emperors usually have smaller, one-sided pieces covering their shoulders or torso while the Fearsome Foursome’s carapaces tend to wrap around their entire body and more. This is one example to show the difference in defense mechanism between the two groups, but obviously the Fearsome Foursome goes further with this concept. 

So back in the Don Thousand breakdown, I mentioned something called the SWISH. Swishing is a type of defense mechanism.

To “swish”, one will need a frontal protection and a dorsal protection. In the case of the Fearsome Foursome, they use a frontal needle and dorsal wings. Barians are extremely heavy and do not require food to survive, so it is very unlikely that the needle belongs to a mouth piece and the wing pieces aid with flight (so far, there has been no accounts of True Barians in flight). Therefore, the wings and needles serve another purpose.

Okay. So how does SWISH work? 

(Simulation; no Astral Beings were harmed in the video above)

Standing for SWord/needle and SHield/wings as well as the noises it makes when a Barian starts flapping or stabbing (use your imagination) and found in ¾ of the Fearsome Foursome Barians + Don Thousand, this is a basic but effective defense mechanism witnessed mainly in the vulnerable Fearsome Foursome Barians. The wings on the back provide backside protection. The Barian can also rapidly flap the wing pieces in order to shake off any Astral Being latching onto its backside. If the Astral Being tries to attack the Barian from the front, it must deal with a piercing needle constantly jabbing at it. This means that if an Astral Being wants to access the Barians’ core at all — which is located at the center of their chest — they must deal with the swish. Compared to the defense mechanism of the Seven Emperors, this is a very elaborate gimmick.

And speaking of elaborate gimmicks, I am going to focus heavily on Scritch and Chironex’s gimmicks for two reasons: they both have fascinating defenses, and  Erazor and Mr. Heartland main defense strategy is “cover in spikes and carapaces” along with the swish mechanism. Overall, they are far less complex than Scritch and Chironex. 

(Also I am a duper lazy dragon and feel like this torture is long enough and I really dont want to stare at barian heartland and erazor for another 2 hours.)

Let’s first look at Scritch, who is my new adopted son btw. Scritch is one of the most intriguing Barians out of this group, and this isn’t my personal preference towards him playing a role into this. Despite not being the most complex Barian, he certainly employs an interesting tactic (if my theories are correct). 

Taking a glance at his coloration reveals a couple things about his mechanism, especially if we compare him to some similar species found on Earth. 

This banded coloration is a product of a variety of things, such as the Barian utilizing disruptive coloration or warning colors. In this case, the Barian environment consist mainly of shades of reds, thus the disruptive coloration may not be very useful to this Barian. But what is useful? Warning colors. This is a commonly-used tactic in animals with brightly colored or flashy skin, such as poison dart frogs. The bright and striking bands on Scritch will make this Barian an easy target to spot and kill in the reddish tint of the planet, yet it could also be a signal to the predators that he is “not a good meal to eat”. 

On one hand, the colors could be nothing more than a bluff, and it wouldn’t be too surprising if Scritch used the colors as a facade to scare off predators. But I think otherwise. If it was a bluff, Scritch wouldn’t have survive this long against bold or unaware Astral Beings, nor will his facade last if enough predators keep pestering him. My theory, and it is only a theory with no other evidence to back it up other than logic maybe, is that Scritch has pockets of some Alkali metals (pure sodium, for example) located in parts of his body like behind the mask carapace or within the bright red claws. For those unaware, Alkali metals are highly reactive to water, which is what the Astral Beings are made of, and can explode if they make contact with it. If an Astral Being attacks him, he can deploy the metals, harm the Astral Being, then skedaddle away while the predator is disorganized. 

This could heavily damage the Barian in the process, but since they could always molt: temporary losing a limb > death. The banded coloration on his body signals to the Astral Beings to back off or else they’ll eat a face-full of sodium. This is only a theory however, and I cannot prove it unless we throw water at Scritch to see if he can explode. Which I absolutely cannot legally do because the Fearsome Foursome Barians are critically endangered (some problem with an invasive species, but the less we talk bout those three hooligans, the better) and I should not make Scritch explode. 

Lastly, let us discuss a Barian who most likely won’t explode if water touches him.

Chironex is another Barian with the presence of a fully-mechanical mouth. As with the other Fearsome Foursome Barians, Chironex doesn’t follow the body plan of a Seven Emperor. His body is covered mostly in thick carapaces, which is similar to the other Fearsome Foursome members. However, his physical appearance is drastically different than the other Fearsome Foursome Barians as well, such as the lack of protective wing pieces and needle-nose for effective swishing. At first glance, it’s difficult to tell where this one belongs. Based on his physiology, he doesn’t look anything like Fearsome Foursome or a Seven Emperor. He could’ve belonged to his own colony altogether. 

This is a case where the similarities goes beyond their physical appearance. Take Canis lupus familiaris, for example, where the physical differences among each breed can look drastically different from one another yet they still fall under the same species (for dogs, they are considered the same species since most breeds can produce viable offspring if mated and they still have an exceedingly similar genome). 

Like a breed of dog, Chironex is a Fearsome Foursome. Chironex lives within the boundary of the Fearsome Foursome range, interacts with the other Fearsome Foursome Barians, and his behavioral patterns follows that of a Fearsome Foursome. He also has a valuable place in the Fearsome Foursome pecking order. Despite not looking like one, Chironex is most certainly a Fearsome Foursome.

So knowing that, about his gimmick…

Chironex has a gimmick alright. And boy is it a gimmick. I want you to look at this image. 

Note what the carapaces cover and what lies underneath the carapaces. 

Now here’s our high-quality artist rendition of Chironex without his thick carapaces:

And here he is standing next to an Astral Being for comparison:

Notice something peculiar about this situation? 

As you can see, the base form of Chironex (aka a Chironex without the layers of carapa—naked, i mean hes utterly nude) looks strikingly similar to the form of an Astral Being. Very smooth with a bluish tint, and a mouth, which is an extremely important body part on an Astral Being. And it is absolutely no coincident that Chironex looks like an Astral Being. 

It is completely deliberate because Chironex uses a very advance form camouflage — mimicry. Not only does his defense mechanism involve mimicking another species but he is mimicking his predator species. This means his facade has to be very convincing if he wants to survive. Impressively enough, the behavior of this Barian also changes in order to aid his survival, such as his fascination with water and so-forth. Furthermore, Chironex’s base form has a very “jellyfish” feel to it. This is noteworthy because jellyfishes are comprised of 95% water, give or take, and basing himself around jellyfishes add more layers onto his mimicry. 

The change in behavior coupled with well-done mimicry is one of the most elaborate defense mechanism in the natural world, so Chironex obviously has a good place in the Fearsome Foursome pecking order.

*In my opinion, I find the idea of exploding Scritches to be a lot more interesting than mimicry but y’kno how it is.

Here is the pecking order of the Fearsome Foursome:

And here is the pecking order of the Fearsome Foursome + Seven Emperors + Don K. for those curious on how the Barians compare to each other (if they had to beat each other up or sumthin idk)

And here’s the pecking order based on what I think the pecking order should be. No bias or anything, just based on logical progression

OKAY. If you’re still reading this, congrats! I love you.

We are on the final topic of this discussion. The VOREeee. Or are all Barians innocent or are only the Seven Emperors innocent?

Let’s look at the candidates for this:

Seven Emperors - Previously discussed 

Scritch and Erazor - SAFE*

Don Thousand - SAFEish** 

Chironex and Mr. Heartland - UNSAFE feel free to vore with em you sick fucks i know i will***

* Scritch and Erazor lack a visible mouth like the rest of the Seven Emperors, so they do fall under the “innocent” Barians.

**Don Thousand is a strange case due to one specific scene.

Right here, Don Thousand’s lowest eyeball turns into a gaping hole and proceeds to inhale Vector into it. This is clearly vore in some sense of the way, which I will not deny. HOWEVER, this opens the door to the concept of eye vore (not strange considering that anal vore, navel vore, cock vore, you-name-it exists) and since all the Barians have eyeballs, or what appears like functioning eyeballs, they are all capable of performing eye vore. wtf i didnt think of that and I do not know what to do with that information except say go nuts.

***With Chironex, I am willing to let him off the hook since he is involved in the act of mimicry, so the mouth could be false. This doesn’t let him off the hook for vore, of course, but my explanation is that the mouth is non-functional because it is the sole result of a mimicking disguise.

With Mr. Heartland…

uh his mouth is a…

oh god jesus chrisus hold up,, let me check my notes

[luna-is-a-main-now]

See You Again ch.2

When Lance opened his eyes, he was confused. Everything was a blinding white and someone was speaking, but he couldn't hear anything very clearly, like his ears were blocked up or like the person speaking was mumbling so lowly that Lance could never hope to make it out. Gradually, the white faded to gray and the voices slowly came into a bit more focus, but they were still low, quiet mutters and came in bits in pieces. Eventually he sat up, and looked around slowly, only to see an endless, very empty gray room as all the quiet voices faded to nothing. Lance was not amused.

"Hey, uh, if this is the afterlife, it seriously sucks!" He grumbled. "Can I like, die again to get to a better afterlife? How does that work? Hello? Am I the only one here?" Lance called to the endless expanse. He huffed in mild annoyance when his own voice was the only one that echoed back to him in the empty room. 

In the air in front of him, some sort of countdown started, but everything was in some foreign characters Lance couldn't make out or understand. They kept shifting, but he had no idea what any of it meant or what he should do. He was honestly hoping that he could end up at least as some kind of ghost, maybe that way he'd be able to go back, look after his team… and protect Keith from doing anything rash like he always was. He smiled fondly at the thought, as even though he was dead, he still felt all warm gooey when he remembered that Keith had told him he loved him, and how he got red when he realized he had actually said that. Lance would gladly die many more times just to see Keith flustered and shocked and soft like that all over again. Though, it would be better if he could live and make Keith feel like that every day. If anyone deserved a happy ending, Lance wholeheartedly believed it was Keith. 

"Lance McClain," a cold, calculating voice announced, suddenly snapping him out of his thoughts about Keith. "Unauthorized death. Preparing for second chance protocol in roughly twelve hours. Agent 2317 will be in shortly to provide you with the necessary information. Please wait patiently. Thank you." 

"Uhm, what? Unauthorized death? Second chance protocol? Lady, you are speaking in code here and I just want to know what's going on, thanks, that'd be great." Lance sighed, exasperated, at the voice's announcement, but of course, she never responded. “Okay, fine. I’ll sit here in this really dull looking room and wait. Sounds like loads of fun.” Lance grumbled, but pulled his feet towards him so he’d be sitting criss crossed. He put his elbow firmly on his knee and plopped his chin onto his hand and sighed loudly. He was already tired of this whole being dead situation.

Eventually, Lance heard footsteps echoing in the distance of the grayness, and when he turned to look, he saw a distinctly male figure in a fancy black and white suit, carrying a small briefcase, who was walking straight towards him. Lance stood as the figure neared him, and, when prompted, shook his hand. The man nodded, and that’s when Lance realized that he had no features at all, just a blank, paper white void where a face should have been. However, somehow, he still spoke and his voice sounded as clear and normal as any humanoid speech, albeit far too emotionless, which didn’t sit quite right with Lance.

“Hello. I am Agent 2317. I have been assigned to your case, Unauthorized Death, case number 281. Do you have any questions before we proceed?" The monotone voice put Lance on edge, but he tried his best to ignore that for the sake of finally getting some answers. 

"Uhh yeah. What is this place? What do you mean by 'unauthorized death'? What's going on?" He questioned the faceless man. 

"This is Midpoint, where souls go after death to be judged and sorted. Due to there being an infinite amount of different afterlives based on one's own religion, it can be a very lengthy process to place souls into the correct afterlife when they arrive. Therefore, souls needed a place to be stored until they are processed, and Midpoint is that place. In your case, however, you were not meant to die yet, hence, you are an Unauthorized Death. Due to this, you will be given the Second Chance Protocol, and be returned to the living world ASAP. I am the agent assigned to your case to be sure this all runs smoothly." Agent 2317 explained. 

"Oh, uh, I wasn't supposed to die? Then why did I die? Wait, don't tell me Keith was supposed to die? If I go back, will someone else die in place of me? Also, how does the Second Chance Protocol work? People know I've died, if I return that'll be all weird, won't it?" Lance interrogated the agent rapidly. "Oh and I'm calling you Tom. You seem like a Tom and I need a name if I'm gonna address you because Agent 2317 is weird, man." 

"Call me what you wish, it is of no consequence to me. As for your death, no, it wasn't supposed to occur quite yet. No one was supposed to die on that mission of yours, but sometimes mistakes happen. So no, your return will not cause any other deaths to occur in the place of your own soul." Tom waved the situation off. "Either way, the Second Chance Protocol has been known to give mortals confusion in the past when their loved ones suddenly return from the dead, but usually they're just happy to have them back. As for how it works, well, we just,” Tom pauses, and makes a vague sweeping motion with his hands, “send you back. Occasionally, for darker souls, we give them a test to see if they should go back, and if they pass, they must complete a quest in the living world. If they do not complete it, we reclaim their souls once more as punishment. However, for a lighter soul such as yours, you only have to complete a quest. Even if you fail, however, your soul will be safe, as that is the reward for being a light soul. Congratulations." Tom's monotone voice didn't seem to match up with the congratulations, but Lance was relieved either way. He'd actually get to go back. 

"Okay, so that sounds great. What's this quest or whatever I have to do?" Lance questioned, excited to get back to his team, no matter what the task may be. He just really wanted to see everyone again, especially Keith, who was probably blaming himself for Lance's death right now and that thought alone made Lance want to go back right that instant. 

"Hmm. Let's see here." Tom replied as he opened his briefcase and pulled out a tablet from the top of a stack of files. He switched it on and scrolled through it for a bit before tapping once on the screen. "Ah. It says here that the quest is still pending. They must still be looking through your memories and life to determine a quest best suited for your abilities."

"Oh. Looking through my whole life. Fantastic. So, whoever they are, they're gonna see all my cringey memories too?" Lance bit his lip in displeasure at the thought. He didn’t want anyone else to know some of the stuff he’s done impulsively. 

"Yes." Tom replied simply, uncaring. But maybe that was just the impression Lance was getting from his still completely monotone voice. Lance groaned and sat down. He wished he could just go back now and forgo this quest business, but he didn’t really want to possibly piss off anyone who could be in charge of where he ended up, either. 

"Well that's just great." Lance sighed dramatically. Some weird being gets to know all his darkest, most embarrassing secrets. Not Lance's idea of a great time, but it's not like he could do anything about it, unfortunately. 

"Ah! It's updated." Tom exclaimed, as much as could exclaim, as his voice was still a dull, even monotone. It was starting to get on Lance's nerves how monotone this dude was, even though he technically wasn't a dude. In all honesty, Lance just wanted to get back to his life already. That thought continued to repeat over and over in Lance’s mind. He didn’t care about the quest or what he had to do; he only cared about going back. "You must liberate the system Sania from Galran rule. Hm. Well shouldn't be too hard, as that's part of your goal anyways. Lucky you, most of the time the quest is meant to be very challenging." 

"Oh. That's it? Neat." Lance shrugged, not really knowing how to react when Tom gave no emotion whatsoever to react off of. The quest seemed easy enough. He’d just have to grab his team and head to Sania, kick some Galra ass and be done with it. 

"Yes." Tom shrugged slightly, then, when it beeped loudly, looked over at the timer with foreign characters on it before turning back to Lance. "Oh! More good news; your departure has also appeared to be moved up. You'll be heading for the mortal world in approximately fifteen seconds." 

"Oh sweet, thanks man. I'm excited to see my team again, kick Galra ass, fly Blue, all that good stuff." Lance smirked in anticipation. Then, Tom's tablet chimed, and the faceless man turned his attention towards it.

"Ah, your quest's terms have been revised. You must liberate system Sania alone, without contacting your team. If they happen to show up without your influence, that's fine, but you must not contact them yourself or through a third party until the quest is complete. Terribly sorry your plans will be put on hold, but on the bright side, you'll be departing to planet Armenia of the Sania system now. So long." Tom called, as the floor dropped out from under Lance's feet and everything went dark. 

---------------------

Keith didn't think his day could get any worse. He guessed the universe had other plans for him though, because it definitely did get worse. Not only was Lance actually, really dead, no matter how much Keith wanted to deny it and say it wasn’t true when it was, but now, as Keith was numbly watching as Coran prepared Lance’s body for a traditional Altean-style funeral, his body vanished. Just suddenly shimmered away like it had never even been there. Worse still, his armor and bayard also vanished into thin air, and the only indication that Lance had ever been in the castle was the Blue Lion, who was dormant, and his untouched room. 

Keith had felt so angry and betrayed before. He was angry Lance had died, had left him. He was angry at the universe for taking him. Now, however, he just felt numb and empty. Before Keith had even realized what he was doing, he had stormed quickly away from the room where Lance's body had disappeared and now he was in Lance's empty room. It felt far too large and extremely cold, as if the room itself knew that Lance was gone and wasn't coming back. 

With a shaky sigh, Keith sat on Lance's bed. Then slowly, almost painfully, he crumpled down until he was curled up on his bed and trying desperately to hold his tears back, but soon enough he was crying, because Lance was gone. Bitterly, Keith wished it had been him instead because Lance didn't deserve this. Keith should have protected him. That was his job, as his teammate, as his friend, and he had failed. This was all his fault. He just wanted Lance back. Was that too much to ask, to hope for? Of course it was, because Keith knew; the dead do not return, no matter how much you wish they would.

At this point, Keith could hardly bring himself to care that the team was worried about him or that he had a job to do. He only cared that Lance was gone, and that his body had disappeared, and  no one knew what was happening. It didn’t feel worth it to care about anything else but that. Nothing else was more important than finding out what the hell happened to Lance and his body.

Keith’s thoughts were interrupted when he heard the door quietly slide open and closed, and when he looked up, he saw Pidge. Pidge looked very small where she stood a few feet away in Lance’s room, looking over it slowly, almost like it hurt to do so. In all honesty, she looked about as bad as Keith felt. Instinctively, Keith patted the bed as an invitation for Pidge to sit down beside him, and, within seconds, she was there, throwing her arms around Keith as her already shaky composure broke. 

“Why did he have to die? It isn't fair. I want him back, Keith, I just want him back. How are we supposed to do anything without Lance here?” She questioned in a soft, shaky voice, sounding so much smaller and younger than Keith had ever heard from her before. 

“I don't know, Pidge. I really don't know because you're right, it isn't fair. I want him back too.” Keith whispered shakily as he finally hugged Pidge back tightly, trying his best to calm her down as well as himself. It would have killed Lance to see his team like this, broken down and miserable, even over his own death. He was always trying to keep everyone safe, keep them happy despite them being in a huge, awful intergalactic war, and this would be the last thing he would want them all to go through. They were a family now, and it was definitely no secret how much Lance cared about those he called his family. 

Keith didn't know how long he and Pidge sat like that, clinging to each other for dear life while sitting on Lance's bed. What he did know, is that having someone there definitely lessened the burden of losing Lance, at least just in the smallest way possible. Knowing that he wasn't alone, that he could go to Pidge at least in this situation, made it that much more bearable. Still, Keith was certain that he wouldn't truly be okay for quite a long time to come.

---------------------------

When Lance woke up, his first thought was that everything hurts. Especially his stomach. With a sudden gasp of panic, his hands flew frantically to his stomach, only to discover that the stab wound was already fading, not even leaving the smallest scar behind. Shortly after that, his flight suit and armor began stitching itself back up, right before his eyes, until it looked brand new. He even noticed that his bayard was in his hand, untransformed and gleaming like it was also new. Lance had to admit, it was pretty cool that his gear was all nice and patched up again. On top of all that, a brand new robe-like garment with a large hood was also with him, and Lance immediately knew it was to protect his identity during the duration of his quest, so as not to directly lure Voltron here. Lance scowled at the thought as he held the robe up. Grudgingly, he put the robe on and flipped the hood up, and it hung low enough to cover his entire face, but the fabric must have been made with something high tech or magical, because Lance could see through the fabric without a problem. Guess that’s just another thing those afterlife immortal beings could do, Lance decided with a shrug.

Slowly standing up, Lance took in his surroundings. The buildings were all different shades of purple, and not a single one of them looked new. A few buildings looked like someone had thrown buckets of different colored paint on them in a fit of rage, or desperation, and it looked almost like they were trying to erase the purple. He noticed that the splashes of colors were limited to just five: Black, Red, Green, Blue, and Yellow. The colors of the Voltron lions. Lance knew that couldn't be a coincidence. They were desperate for Voltron to save them from the Galra. Too bad it was just Lance that was sent here, without even a lion to fight. 

Walking through the small alien city was a little depressing, to say the least. Many civilians looked thin, tired, and, when Lance passed, fearful. Mothers would hide their children behind them quickly, other people would duck quickly into an alleyway or building to get away from him. It was disheartening to see anyone in this state. Lance really wished he had his team. They'd be able to liberate this planet with Voltron within hours. If Lance had to do it alone, he just knew it would take weeks, at the very least. He sighed heavily as he realized just how difficult this task would be. Sneaky, scheming Tom, adding in that last minute restriction before throwing him out, Lance frowned at the thought bitterly. He felt like he was being toyed with, and it was not fun at all.

Eventually, Lance came across a part of the city that looked like a marketplace. It was fairly run-down, but there were other alien species walking about here, too, other than just him. Lance noticed that most of the time, purchases were made behind stalls or in alleyways, in hushed voices and rushed movements. Perhaps this marketplace was illegally set up and run, a way for citizens to earn money to survive, and maybe, to gather funds to try and fight back. He really hoped there was a group of freedom fighters on this planet. Maybe he would be able to work alongside them to liberate this planet faster. A tired sigh escaped him; Lance could only hope for the best in this scenario. Not to mention, he'd have to be extra careful. He didn't have anyone to watch his back, and he sure as hell didn't want to go and die… again. 

“Time to get to work, I guess.” Lance grumbled quietly to himself as he walked further into the marketplace, hoping to gather intel and form a plan so he could get done here quickly. The more time he spent here, the more time Keith and his team spent believing he was still dead. Lance really needed to fix that, and soon.

[tenleaguesbeneath]

Timekeeping in space

It would be really weird for far-future deep space to be using time units based on the earth, when a calendar day and a local day aren’t even going to be the same length. So this is going to be a bunch of weird exploratory calculations in what alternative timekeeping systems might emerge and how convenient they are.

A kilosecond is about a quarter hour (actually 0:16:40). In a space polity with labor to downtime ratios comparable to the present-day US (not guaranteed) in a location where basing time schedules on local solar-planetary conditions is impractical, a standard work shift might be 30 kiloseconds (8 hours 20 minutes), leading to a 90 kilosecond (25 hour) or 120-kilosecond (33.3 hour) day, or even 125 ks (34:43:20) if even division into megaseconds is prioritized. A megasecond is 11.6 days, which would probably fill the role of a week on a space station with no contact with earth; it might contain eight such work shifts on, with 60 ks breaks in between for sleep and recreation in between; after this 720 ks work cycle is a “weekend” of 280 ks (this assumes that labor wins over capital in the contest to dispose of the remaining 10 ks after 11 “days” of 90 ks each)

A gigasecond is too long to be practical, about 31 years (so, useful for measuring people’s lifespans and not much else). 30 megaseconds is about a year, though (347 days), so you might see a unit of order tens to 100 Ms used for tracking ages.

A system like this is already used today inside of your computer (and the smallest buffer used for those representations rolls over in 2038); set some date as the standard zero and you can track time universally like this.

As this system gets properly lived-in, some of these units will get proper names. The divisions of the Ms into “days” might even get names, like weekdays do, or at least numbers or letters.

I could see a definition of “hours” based on local planetary conditions; a local planetary day is always a convenient number of hours because the length of an hour varies by local conditions. A minute is the square root of an hour in seconds (so there are as many seconds in a minute as minutes in an hour). Stray seconds are added or removed as leap seconds as necessary.

The problem with these measurements, the thing making them inconvenient, is that it’s useful to have a named unit at every order of magnitude for time, and that the multiple between these units is not always 10, because we evolved and designed our culture to match solar conditions, which work like that. Instead we’re working in tens and hundreds of an inconvenient base unit.

If, as opposed to using SI units, everyone’s chronometers base themselves on hours, a more natural division comes up in space, at the expense of having immense difficulty matching your chronometry to local conditions (a second is small enough that if you need to add or remove leap seconds to match your clocks to a planet’s rotation, you can without people noticing. Doing the same with hours is going to be difficult). Even so, units like months and years are likely to vanish as datekeeping conveniences in favor of more regularized systems; a kilohour (41 days, 16 hours) might be adopted as a month, or its approximation at 960 hours/40 days. The 24 hour day might be lengthened to 30 hours, for divisibility by ten. Things that cycle in years might instead cycle in tens of kilohours.

You could get even weirder. objective SI timekeeping’s main present-day application is standardizing computer systems (which is why it would form the basis of standardized interstellar time), and so this system might end up based on, rather than SI prefixes, binary prefixes. A kibisecond is 17 minutes, 4 seconds; a mibisecond is 12.1 days (which means it might be split in half to make a 512-kibisecond week). These units are closer to existing earth-based units than their SI-based counterparts, incidentally (3.3 hours over vs 10.2 hours under), which is another reason why they might be preferentially adopted.

Intermediate units, in particular the equivalent of a day, are unlikely to be powers of two since being able to divide them by other factors (in particular 3) is important.

A 512-kibisecond week might divide into six days of 85 kibiseconds each, and two extra kibiseconds. A 28-kibisecond work shift is two minutes, 8 seconds shy of 8 hours. Assuming a slightly stronger pro-labor culture (which may be unlikely on a space habitat, given the expense of putting people there. NASA had to be forced not to book experiments during every waking hour an astronaut had), you might see four workdays (28 kibiseconds on, 57 kibiseconds off), two weekend days, and two bonus kis. 85 kis somewhat approximates the natural 64 kis truncation (removing the two least significant bytes from the timestamp); this truncation unit has a length of 18:12:16 and would constitute an eightfold division of a 512 kibibyte week.

A workweek based on truncations could have 21-Kis (5:58:24, a bit under a third of a cycle) or 28-Kis (7:57:52) work shifts, depending on the balance of power between labor and management, with five or six truncations (”trunks”, perhaps) on and the remainder off. It is evenly divisible by the half-Mis week.

8 mibiseconds is 97.09 days (97:2:10:08); 32 mibiseconds is 388.36 days (the excess is 8:40:32). If you want a year that is divisible by three, then 30 mibiseconds gives 364 days with an excess of 2:08:00.

The next whole-byte truncation of a time record is at 16 Mis, if that’s significant, which it probably is.

If you want to do a month-length haven turn (from Papers and Pencils, though the site was taken offline because of a hack and the backup service is holding the machine-readable backups hostage; the explanation of haven turns specifically has yet to be restored from a human-readable backup), on this scale, 2 mibiseconds would be a workable length for it; in earth units that’s 24:6:32:32. An even closer approximation can be made with 2.5 Mis (30:8:10:40), and if you’re using a 30-Mis “year” it’s even a twelfth of the year; half-Mis are permissible since those are your week.

In a postapocalyptic situation, where surviving chronometers are based on a composite standard or on interconverting between all of these (kibi and mibiseconds being used by computers because they’re more easily compressible because *handwave*, kiloseconds and hours being used by people), different post-apocalyptic polities may have decided to settle on different single standards, too, if you want to be extra confusing.

Of course, if you’re going to involve relativity, or time wonkiness with your hyperspace jumps, then your chronometry is going to have to compare to a standard reference frame and adjust accordingly. Because direct velocimetry is impossible (accelerometers can be made, as can measurements of relative velocity to things you can bounce light off of, but you can’t measure velocity directly), regular correction readings would have to be taken and supplied. Imagine booting up a computer that’s been in hibernation for 600 years and, while somehow it’s survived, it complains that its time calibration readings are out of date and its clock may be off standard. If time travel is a thing, the computer might want to track proper time vs standard time anyway.

I wasn’t expecting, and really enjoyed, how close the kibi/mibi units came to natural earth values. Tracking campaign time, and reporting it to the players, in kibi/mibiseconds seems like just the right amount of brain hurting juice. As an added benefit, the abbreviations for kibisecond and mibisecond (Kis and Mis) are even pronounceable. I think I might pronounce them “Keys” (singular and plural), “Trunk”, and Mis rhymes with “eyes” (again, singular and plural)

[clevelandbennett-blog]

The Ketogenic Diet And Bodybuilding

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[mr-entj]

Do you have any entries on your blog that covers student loans and how to approach them for someone who is nervous about debt? Thank you!

Combined with the following asks:

I am an avid reader and impressed your journey. I read that you came from a lower income family but I noticed that you also went to top universities which is impressive. I am in the same situation and I am, going to take out thousands of dollars loans to pay for my dream college, is it something you would advise? What is the alternative for people in our situation?

If it is not too much to ask, how did you pay for college if your family was poor? As someone who is of similar background as yours. Thank you for the time you take to write to your readers and answer their questions

Between going to a european top college, staying far from my family and going into debt for it or attending a local college, staying home, but no debt, what is your opinion? What could be the best decision?

Higher ranked college + debt or lower ranked college + no debt?

Related:

Hi Mr-entj. Do you have any advice for becoming more financially literate?

General money management advice

Mr. ENTJ can you break down how to interpret the compensation from an offer letter such as salary and bonuses for someone with multiple offers trying to weigh options? What to look for?

Student Loans 101

I don’t give personalized financial advice but 5 things to know before you take out a student loan (applicable mainly to American students):

1. Understand the financial impact of student loans on your life after graduation

This is the absolute #1 priority and where students really get screwed over. Most people see the loan numbers on paper but don’t fully comprehend the day to day burden repaying that debt will have on their lives. Here’s an easy way to ballpark impact: for every $10,000 you borrow, you’ll need to pay back $100 per month … for 10 years (The average federal loan is at a 6% interest rate with a 10 year or 120 month repayment schedule).

This means:

$20,000 in student loans = $200 monthly payment

$40,000 in student loans = $400 monthly payment

$60,000 in student loans = $600 monthly payment

$80,000 in student loans = $800 monthly payment

$100,000 in student loans = $1,000 monthly payment

$250,000 in student loans = $2,500 monthly payment

These are very rough estimates because loans have varied interest rates. Use student loan calculators for more accuracy: BankRate Student Loan Calculator, FinAid Loan Calculator, and the Federal Student Loan Repayment Calculator.

Understand what you’ll make vs. what you’ll pay. For salary, remember that, roughly:

$20,000 annual salary = $500 per paycheck or $1,000 per month

$40,000 annual salary = $1,000 per paycheck or $2,000 per month

$60,000 annual salary = $1,500 per paycheck or $3,000 per month

$80,000 annual salary = $2,000 per paycheck or $4,000 per month

$100,000 annual salary = $2,500 per paycheck or $5,000 per month

For perspective, let’s put the student loan and salary data together. This means that if you graduate with a job that pays $40,000 per year but you have a $40,000 student loan you’ll bring home approximately $1,600 every month($2,000 salary - $400 monthly loan payment). For added perspective, the average cost of a 1-bedroom apartment in Los Angeles is $2400– and that’s just for housing– that doesn’t take into account other things you need to survive as a living and breathing human being like, say, food and water, clothing, utilities, health insurance, car insurance, car payment, gas, etc.

A general rule is not to take out student loans greater than your salary after graduation. I knew my salary after graduation would exceed $130,000 so I took out the loan and I’ve been able to pay it back with relative ease but it was a long and painful process that required many sacrifices. With my $1,100 monthly loan payment over 10 years, I could have bought 2 Corvette Stingrays but I also know that I couldn’t have the career I have today without taking on that debt.

2. Research universities, potential careers, job placement, and salary before you take out a loan

Don’t be that clueless ocarina major with $100,000 in student loans and no job post-graduation.

Some people say that college is a place to learn– and it is– but it’s also a financial investment in your future. If you want to attend college just to study your passion with no regard for post-graduation salary then consider going to a library, joining a hobby group, or surfing Google for hours instead because at least those options are free and they won’t bury you in decades of debt. College is a financial commitment amounting to tens of thousands, if not hundreds of thousands, of dollars– don’t wander into it lightly.

Research:

Tuition and financial aid statistics by university. How much does it cost to attend each school? How much is housing? What other hidden fees are there? How much financial aid does the school give? What scholarships and grants are available to accepted students? What % of students receive aid? What is the average debt carried by graduates?

Reputation, rankings, and strength of programs by university. How is this school regarded in the industry, the state, the country, the world? What is the strength of the program you’re interested in? What companies recruit at your school? What is your university and program of choice ranked? Your college degree is your passport into the professional world and the more prestigious and well-regarded it is, the easier your journey will be. (Mr. ENTJ, do things like rankings, reputation, and prestige for which school you attend matter when it comes to your career?)

Career services and alumni network by university. What career services does the school provide? What companies recruit at your school? How active are the alumni of this school? How successful are the alumni of this school? Top companies recruit at top schools, it’s a very simple concept, so if you want to break into a very difficult industry this is a question to ask. Alumni are important because they’re the club you join post-graduation. The more successful and helpful alumni are, the more plentiful the opportunities throughout your journey.

Prospective careers by major. What can you do with your degree? What are the careers this major leads into? How much do those careers pay? What is the demand for those careers? How difficult is it to get a job in those fields?

Job placement and salary statistics by major. What is the average % of graduates who get jobs after graduation? What’s the average salary of those graduates? Look for salaries by major because schools often average salaries across the entire university and that’s misleading. An interpretive dancing major and a chemical engineering major will not make the same amount of money post-graduation.

I don’t give advice on what schools people should or shouldn’t attend or if they’re worth the debt but do thorough research and if the university has a prestigious reputation, strong program in a particular field, active alumni network, high job placement, generous financial aid, high salaries post-graduation, and good career support then that trends towards a worthwhile investment.

3. If you need to pay for college, remember this hierarchy: free money > federal loans >>>>> private loans

Free money includes grants, scholarships and other options that don’t require repayment. As a general rule, the better student you are (grades, GPA, test scores), the more money universities will throw at you because you’re a more attractive candidate and they know other universities are fighting for you to attend their schools. Students with bad grades and bad test scores get crappier financial aid packages because universities view you as someone who should feel lucky to have been accepted at all.

Federal loans are low-interest, fixed-rate loans funded by the government. These are preferred because they have flexible repayment methods like income based repayment (the less or more you money you make, the less or more money you pay back) or loan forgiveness (PSLF program). Still, free money is preferable to any type of loan.

Private loans are a last resort and only if grants/scholarships and federal loans don’t provide enough money to cover expenses of your first-choice school. Private loans are given by banks and banks are ran by businessmen who want to make money. They typically have high interest rates, high fees, and inflexible repayment plans. Remember that their primary goal is to make money, they are not here to help you achieve your academic dreams.

4. Never go into debt attending a for-profit school

(*People triggered by absolutes*: “Never?”) Never. Their degrees are worthless in the job market, attend accredited universities only.

The Lifelong Cost of Getting a For-Profit Education

5 Reasons You Should Avoid For-Profit Colleges at All Costs

For-Profit Colleges’ Teachable Moment: ‘Terrible Outcomes Are Very Profitable’

4 ways to avoid for-profit college abuses

My college degree is worthless

Why low-income borrowers should avoid for-profit colleges

Will a for-profit degree get you a job?

5. Above all, prepare ahead of time before you start applying to colleges

Get top grades and top test scores in high school because this will result in more generous financial aid packages.

Take as many AP courses and tests as possible because these can count for college credit and save hundreds, if not thousands of dollars, in the long run. I took so many AP courses in high school I entered college with sophomore standing.

Save money for college throughout your life from summer jobs, side jobs, allowances, etc. I didn’t have rich parents so I set aside a few dollars from each paycheck into a savings account.

Apply early for multiple grants and scholarships to accumulate as much free money as possible. This is a numbers game; the more you apply, the better chance you have of winning so search far and wide and blanket applications and essays to anything you remotely qualify for. I had so much scholarship money in undergrad that I made money going to college.

Consider community colleges. Attending community college for 2 years and then transferring to a university can save thousands of dollars in tuition and get you the same degree someone who paid 4 years of university tuition has. I did 2 years of community college then transferred to a top public university and saved $50,000 in the process (university is approximately $25,000 per year).

Resources

Grants and Scholarships

Finding scholarships

FastWeb Scholarships

U.S. Department of Labor Scholarships

Google any university’s name and the word “scholarships” for school-specific scholarships

Student Loan Calculators

Student Loan Term Comparison Calculator

Student Loan Payment Calculator

BankRate Student Loan Calculator

FinAid Loan Calculator

Federal Student Loan Repayment Calculator

Paycheck Calculators

Paycheck City Salary Calculator

Smart Asset Paycheck Calculator

ADP Paycheck Calculator

Career Salary Data

Glassdoor

Indeed

LinkedIn

Paysa

The Economic Value of College Majors by Georgetown University

2017-2018 College Salary Report by Payscale

Field of Study in College and Lifetime Earnings in the United States

There are countless statistics, stories, and articles that capture the impact of student loans:

r/studentloans

Student loans have become our modern-day debtors prisons

10 Ways Student Debt Can Destroy Your Life

The Mental Toll of Student Debt: What Our Survey Shows

Google News: “student loan crisis”

[paulbogaards]

I’m looking to hire a Publicist

ACTUAL JOB DESCRIPTION (not the one you will find posted on PRH):

The Executive Vice President, Director of Publicity and Media Relations for the Knopf Doubleday Publishing Group (@paulbogaards) is seeking a Publicist to dazzle the industry and world with their work and brio and warm good humor providing day-to-day support and counseling for authors (a lot of counseling) in a blistering-paced, internal and external facing (internal = editors = suspicious, external = agents = sometimes mean though they will describe their behavior as outcome directed), detail-oriented (seat 2A not 12A), data-driven (blah blah blah) environment working with dying legacy media professionals, social media pioneers, brand ambassadors (FML), booksellers (❤️), and other half-crazed publishing desperados.

The ideal candidate for this position will have had previous experience working as a magician. There is no finer point to make. As a publicist, you need to make magic happen. Magic. Every fucking day. Come equipped with a rabbit and a top hat and a goddamn wand and get ready to wave it every Wednesday afternoon at approximately 4:00 PM. You will be given books to work on that have no possibility whatsoever of becoming bestsellers, and yet, the operating expectation is that all of them will list. Authors expect that outcome. Agents expect that outcome. Editors expect that outcome. Publishers expect that outcome. It’s as if they’re all smoking the same green-blonde hallucinogenic.

The job is a grind. No one is capable of doing it for very long. The hours, the demands, the pressure, the weight of expectation, the dissonance between acquisitions and the marketplace, all of these things cause enormous stress on publicists. Think about this: the executive director has been doing it for thirty plus years. He has become a hollow shell of the man he once was as a result.

“Every day is a beat down.”

“I know.”

“Editors. Agents. Authors. Journalists. All of them are a fucking menace.”

“Tell me about it.”

“They look at us like we are, I don’t know what.”

“They look at us like we are fucking waterboys. That’s how they look at us.”

“That’s exactly right. We’re the fucking waterboys.”

You could be that person -- one of the waterboys (or gals). You are young and full of magic and convinced that book publishing is not decline but instead enjoying a renaissance. You look at Amazon with wide-eyed awe and innocence. You will step into the job thinking of the difference you are able to exact on behalf of writers everywhere. You, my friend, are a naif.

This is what will actually happen: You will be staring at your mobile in a crosswalk, answering a complaint from an author about their seat assignment on a United flight, and then be hit by an Uber. That is the most succinct description of book publishing in the 21st century that the director can think of.

All candidates for the position will undergo Anna’s box test. This is a test where you are invited in for an interview with the director, and there is a box on the seat you are supposed to sit in. If you just stare at the box, waiting for the director to move it, you are summarily dismissed and immediately disqualified as a candidate. If you pick up the box and place it somewhere else, you have passed the first test.

You will hear whispers about publishing projects where the company is rumored to have paid considerable sums of money for a book and then a call will come in from a reporter asking questions about said project and you will immediately route it to the director. The director has experience answering questions about the amount of money the company overpaid (5 million, 10 million, 20 million) and why the book is worth that much (it’s not) and how many copies will it take to earn out (it won’t) in what will become an infinite loop of inquiry and denial and the reporter, determined, will end up substantiating the figure through a disgruntled publisher who was knocked out on the last best bid (Karp) and then come back to you and ask you to confirm the figure and you will again deny it and they will wind up reporting the number anyway (though reporters these days don’t press in the same rough way that, say, Streitfeld and Kirkpatrick used to, and that is OK with the director, he is accepting of the new school press corps, though he generally prefers old school guys, and will always answer the phone when Keith Kelly calls, because he is the embodiment of OLD FUCKING SCHOOL, a guy who will tease out any story he can about Jann Wenner).

As a publicist, editors will complain to you about the New York Times (what the fuck are they doing over there?) and then become agitated and disgruntled and dismayed and threatening when one of their books is overlooked by that outlet (they reviewed a fucking book from New Directions instead of my book?) suggesting to you that action is essential (we need to do something) and you will reassure them, say of course, of course, I’ll get right on it, but really, what are you going to do? You will come to understand, very quickly, that happiness is elusive in our industry and joy is fleeting. Mostly, everyone suspects each other of book espionage.

Generally, the Publicist can expect career advancement provided they do their job without committing actionable offenses on social media or installing a joy button under the desk in their office or threatening to kill someone because they wrote a bad review (editors do this all the time. First, they threaten you. Then they threaten the BRE. Then they write a drunken email to the reviewer). Do not be led by their bad example.

This is a good position to learn about the business, as good as any, the director basically runs a farm team for the industry, his first hire now runs comms for one of the Big Five and he will smile when he sees a story in the paper with her Chairman touting the benefits of open floor plans (“there was just this energy and buzz and sense of excitement of collaborative human endeavor that really was kind of exhilarating”) and he is proud for a moment recognizing that his first hire has mastered the PR skill of ventriloquism (she has also mastered adapting the infinite loop of denial into the infinite loop of positivity.) Others have gone on to assume posts of similar stature at The New Yorker (where Remnick still won’t give anyone a credit line including Tommy Orange whose book THERE THERE was just excerpted in the magazine and everyone is supposed to be thrilled about that and the mention of said work on the contributor page but I’m like FUCK THAT who looks at the contributor page give me a book shot in the well of the magazine but of course there is no justice in much of this work, people want what they want when they want it and for selfish ends, the labors of the writer remain forgotten, the working men and women who are the backbone of our industry are frequently an afterthought, and THAT SEEMS TO ME A GREAT PUBLISHING INJUSTICE), and the Brooklyn Cyclones (that was Dave, he was a very handsome, I went to his wedding in New Jersey, there was a Venetian dessert table with fountains, it was like something out of the Sopranos), and Jennifer, who married someone rich and Jewish (that is kind of like going to work for The New Yorker) and gave birth to four children and will sometimes send me emails asking what the fuck happened to her life:

“What the fuck happened to my life?”

“Husband. Money. Kids.”

“FUCK.” Jennifer had (has) a foul mouth. I loved (love) that about her.

“Is there still work for me in publishing?”

“No. Business is dying. Stick with your plan. Keep the husband.”

Occasionally, you will find the director weeping at his desk and you will wonder if he is suffering from some kind of nervous breakdown and then you will observe an open email on his computer and see that it is simply a note of gratitude from a colleague - warmly written and sincere - and you will come to understand that they appear so infrequently that when they do the only way he knows how to respond is by weeping and you will feel a little sad for him. As a publicist, you will live a life of sadness and defeat. And you will learn to cry.

The director is looking for someone to step into his role because he is tired of weeping. The job has exacted a toll. He has become impatient.  His responses to queries are no longer soft and nuanced. This week, for example, an editor from T Magazine sent him an email asking if Cormac McCarthy would cooperate for a cover profile and he responded “Not possible” and the editor wrote back asking “As in not possible for October because the book is so far out, or...unlikely to be possible at any time?” and the director wrote back “EVER” in all caps and then he sat back is his chair and thought “who are these fucking dragoons and when will they ever learn?”

Another reporter suggested to the director that he was giving him incorrect guidance, when, in fact, the director answered the reporter’s question with the information at hand. The director is fifty-seven and has made a living being honest with reporters and went back and forth with the reporter about his track.

“He kept asking me the same fucking question.”

“That’s how they work.”

“I said to him, ‘We’re in the weeds here. You’re suggesting the football moved. I’m telling you it was a completion. End of story.’”

You will attend meetings where nothing happens. That is another succinct description of book publishing in the 21st century.

You will be working with seasoned publishing veterans who spend most of their day worrying about Amazon and Barnes & Noble and the death of media.

You will read books before they become books and often find yourself thinking about transitioning out of the industry.

One page proposals will arrive with breathy notes from editors. An auction will follow. The director will be asked to create a marketing and publicity summary in advance of the auction.

“Based on what?”

“The proposal.”

“The proposal is one page.”

“Just make something up.”

So the director will make something up. You will help him. This will happen simultaneously across the industry. The people who make up the best things often acquire the book. So if you are good at making things up, possibly this is a job for you.

You will send emails, respond to emails, and stuff books in jiffy bags. If you are good at stuffing things in jiffy bags, possibly this is a job for you.

People will ask you questions. People from inside and outside the company. The desk you occupy is a kind of information station and you will need to learn the answers to so many questions (the director knows the answers to these questions but doesn’t have the patience to respond anymore and indeed it has become dangerous to let any questions through to him because he will often say something wrong on purpose, or say something inappropriate, there was even an instance when a reader called inquiring about Carl Hiaasen’s book tour and he asked her out on a date and Who the fuck does that?)

Candidates for this position need to be confident and made of steel and in possession of magic. Possibly you are that person. Please apply by clicking on the link here.

Thank you.

PS: “I’ll need a spacious south facing hotel room in a 4 star property, and OMG it cannot be The Muse, I mean how could you book anyone in that hotel?, it’s full of escorts and German tourists, the rooms are tiny, mine felt like a cell, and given my crippling anxiety about touring I’m lucky to be alive after that stay, you need to respect the work I’m doing on the road, and that was not a respectful hotel booking, and being in United boarding group two on my flight to New York, well, that was not respectful either, but I don’t want to get too far afield here, I just need you to listen to me and hew to my requests, do that and we will have a successful tour, my comfort and safety remain a priority, take it seriously, double pane windows on a high floor are essential, but not too high, away from the elevators and adjacent to a fire stairway, and quiet, the room has to be quiet, with fine linens and towels and four down pillows (one for between my legs, two for my head, and one to snuggle with), a king bed, a duvet, fresh flowers, white peonies if they are in season, a tub and a shower and 24-hour room service, these are the basics, the last tour almost killed me and that simply cannot happen this time out…”

#publishing #books #publicrelations