#need to talk to my coworkers about implementing this exception

[twobitsandanibble]

okay you didn't need to call me out like that

[oscars-wifeyyy]

Career Day Pt 1

It was Development Day at Abbott Elementary and all the teachers were gathered in the gymnasium to go through it. Lina was sitting behind Gregory Eddie on her phone as she was waiting for the day to start when one of her good friends, Janine Teagues, had entered the gym; however, she knew that she was going to sit next to Greg so she stayed on her phone. When Janine reached the row that Gregory was in, Gregory had asked.

“Left or right?”

“Ummm, left,” Janine smiled and sat down, “Thank you,”

“Good choice, good choice,” Gregory said.

“Hey, Lina. How are you?” Janine turned to ask the mildly experienced teacher.

“I’m good as can be. I’m breathing,” Lina shrugged.

That was when Development Day began, and Ava started talking, “Good day to the fine teachers of Abbott Elementary,”

Everyone had turned to look at Gregory while he rolled his eyes and sighed.

“What?” Ava asked.

“No comment about Gregory being F-O-I-N, foine?” Melissa asked, which caused Lina to smirk.

“No, Ms. Schemmenti. I was speaking to everyone, but since all eyes are on him, uh, Mr. Eddie, would you mind reading from the first paragraph of your immaculately assembled binder?” Ava asked.

“Sexily?” Gregory asked.

“Excuse me. That is not only suggestive but highly inappropriate in front of our company,” Ava motioned to the three people standing on the stage.

“Uh, hi. Hi, everybody,” the man said, causing Lina to look at him with a slightly slack jaw as she processed his attractiveness. We’re from the school district. Principal Coleman invited us to observe and collaborate with you on this Development Day.”

“Yes! The importance of collaboration is one of the many things I learned while matriculating at Cambridge,” Ava said.

Lina scoffed and shook her head as the principal spoke about how she had gone to Harvard over the summer.

“We’re super excited to be here on behalf of the new superintendent, John Reynolds. I’m Manny. That’s my dream team over there. That’s Emily. That’s Simon,” Manny introduced his coworkers, “And we don’t come empty-handed. We come with some iPads and SMART boards for your classrooms, loaded with learning apps.” Claps were heard scattered through the audience.

“New and improved models,” Melissa leaned towards Barbara.

“Same old engines,” Barbara said, “these people aren’t gonna change a blessed thing except how many bodies are in the room,”

Lina continued sitting there, stoic, as Ava told Gregory that he still needed to read the first passage of the binder. When Gregory finished reading, Ava muttered into the microphone what she had to say next. So, she emerged from behind the podium and started dancing, asking if anyone had any ideas they would like to implement from the summer.

Janine raised her hand.

“Janine! One of our most…teachers at Abbott,” Ava introduced.

“So, I was thinking over the summer while I was spending time with myself and just thinking about what really led me to this point in my life…” Janine rambled.

“Janine, get to the point!” Lina groaned as she put her head back. Manny couldn’t help but notice Lina and had a slight smile on his face; however, Lina didn’t notice it herself.

“Ok, a Career Day. I think we should do Career Day at the school because I checked, and we haven’t had one since the only jobs for women were typists, moms, and wet nurses. I think it’d be a great way for the kids to see all of the amazing jobs they can have. That’s it. That’s my idea. I’m done. Career Day,” Janine sat back down and smiled with Gregory.

“I could go into the plethora of reasons that won’t work—scheduling, previous failed attempts, the fact that it was your idea,” Ava listed.

“Right, but there is a way-” Janine started but was cut off by Ava, which made Lina bite her cheek and glare at Ava.

“But I’m just gonna go ahead and say no and save you the embarrassment,” Ava said.

“Sometimes, I just wanna shove my foot so far up her ass that you can see it out of her mouth, but professionalism or whatever,” Lina told the camera crew with a groan.

Development Day had ended, and Janine and Lina started walking out together when Manny stopped them.

“Hey. Janine, right? I’m Manny, which I said up there.” Manny said, “I just wanted to say that Career Day sounded good. It’s a good idea. I would love to hear more.”

“Thank you! So you guys are new at the district?” Janine asked.

“Yup. Just started over the summer. Loving it so far. Feel like we’re gonna make a lot of positive changes and do what the last administration didn’t. Nobody embezzling find on my watch,”

Janine chuckled while Lina giggled, “Love that,” Janine said.

“Actually, one of the things we wanted to do today was shadow a teacher. Can we shadow you?” Manny asked.

“Yeah, sure,” Janine nodded, “I’m just gonna be setting up my classroom with Lina,” Janine motioned toward Lina.

“Exciting!”

“It is exciting,” Janine smiled.

“Yeah, I’m just gonna grab my coworkers. They’re talking to Principal Coleman over there. You guys are so lucky. You have such a good principal,” Manny smiled and walked away.

“Yeah, right,” Lina rolled her eyes as she walked out when Manny caught up to them.

The five-person group started walking toward Janine’s class, and Lina couldn’t help but start a conversation.

“So, where’d you teach before pivoting to the school district?” Lina asked.

Manny looked at Lina, “I didn’t, actually. But I grew up here, though. My first-hand experience is more from when I was a student in the area.”

“Oh, alright. That’s one of the reasons I wanted to teach at Abbott. Because I was a student in the area, as well, so…this is my room,” Janine motioned towards the room.

“What are you making here?” Emily asked.

“A welcome back sign for the kids. We’re gonna decorate it together so that everyone feels included. I try to implement a lot of color. Wanted to go with blue because that inspires focus.”

“And calm, which is so important for primary classes. I read about that in Chalkbeat,” Manny said.

“You read Chalkbeat?” Janine asked.

Manny hummed in agreeance.

“I basically live in the comment section, so…” Janine smiled.

“Oh, my God. Are you @JTeagues215?” Manny smiled.

“Yes! And @JTeagues267 when I wanna spice up the discourse,” Janine grinned.

“Ms. Teagues, I’m @MannyFromTheBlock. I’m always using this emoji,” Manny did a salute.

“That’s you! I love your comments,” Janine complimented.

“I love your comments,” Manny complimented back.

Lina felt like a third wheel, so she started walking back to her class, which caught Manny’s eye, but he didn’t comment. However, she ran into Gregory, and they started talking when Janine walked out behind her.

“Hey! Fancy meeting you here,” Janine smiled at the teacher.

“Oh, I’m just bringing in the workbooks. Oh! There is a ten-for-ten sale at Nichols School Supplies, by the way.

“Oh, fuck yeah,” Janine cursed, but it didn’t sound right, so Lina stared at her with a deadpan look. “Trying out cursing. Still getting the hang of it. How was Baltimore?”

Lina was no longer interested and slowly headed to her classroom. When she got inside, she connected her phone to her speaker and played her playlist while fixing her classroom. She quickly got into it and started dancing fluidly as she put stuff where it should be, but jumped when she heard a small chuckle at the door. She quickly turned to see Manny with a smile on his face.

“Oh, my God! Hey, Manny. What brings you in here?” Lina blushed and paused her music.

“Nothing. I just wanted to come in here and say that it was very nice to meet you, and I hope we see more of each other,” Manny smiled.

“Yeah, yeah. Same here,” Lina blushed, “I’m sorry you had to see me do all that,”

“No, no. It was nice. You know how to dance,” Manny smiled, “Well, I have to be on my way out. I’ll see you later,”

“Yeah. I’ll see you later,” Lina softly smiled at him.

Manny walked out, and she couldn’t help but sigh and then groan at the thought of embarrassing herself in front of him.

The following day, Lina came into school and dropped her stuff off before going to Barbara’s class to see if she needed any help, only to see that she was moving her desks. She quickly sprung into action and helped her when Simon and Emily walked in. The conversation wasn’t interesting to her so she zoned out as she helped with the desks until she heard his voice.

“The legendary Mrs. Howard and the beautiful Ms. Kim,,” Manny’s voice rang from the door, “I haven’t had a chance to connect with you yet, but I hear you’re the one,” Manny held out his hand.

“Charmed,” Barbara said with a condescending smile. Meanwhile, Lina couldn’t help but softly chuckle at Barbara’s annoyance.

“We’re actually working on a program to get assistants in the classroom at the beginning of the school year instead of you having to request one that doesn’t get here until January,” Manny explained.

“Alright. Excuse me, I have to finish some work in my classroom.” Lina smiled and left the room.

Gregory and Melissa were there with the other teachers when she got to her classroom, so she listened to their conversation. Their conversation was about resetting Ava and how Gregory would be their last resort regarding their plan of resetting Ava.

“How do you expect me to reset Ava?” Gregory asked.

“I don’t know. Flex your muscles, be whore-y. It’s up to you,” Melissa shrugged while leaving the classroom.

Once Melissa was out of the room, Lina busted out in laughter because of the face that Gregory was making. Gregory groaned and walked out of the classroom, not feeling like being laughed at by Lina. Lina shook her head and continued with her activities when Manny walked into her class again.

“Hey, Lina. How are you today?” Manny asked.

“Hey. I’m good. What about yourself?” Lina asked.

“Good. Good,” Manny smiled, “I wanted to come in here and see if I could get your number so you can, you know, send me any new ideas you possibly could have with making the school better,” Manny rubbed the back of his neck.

“Oh, of course,” Lina fished her phone out of her pocket, “here, put it in and text yourself so we can keep in touch,”

“Awesome,” Manny grinned as he took her phone, inputted his number, and texted himself, “Well, that is it for me here for now. Hopefully, I’ll see you out and about,”

“Yeah. I’d like that,” Lina blushed and watched him make his way out of her classroom, only to meet his eyes when he looked back and winked. Her blush pushed back harder on her cheeks, and she giggled.

When the day was over, Gregory, Jacob, Janine, and Lina went to Rubenstien’s for a drink. They talked about resetting Ava in the gym by blasting City Girls. Lina was laughing at the guy’s shared memory of Gregroy flexing his muscles in front of Ava’s office.

“You flexed?” Janine asked in surprise, “Well, did you guys try just playing ‘Back That Azz Up’?”

Jacob gasped, “How did you know to do that? Wow, you really are district material,”

“Oh, stop,” Janine saw Gregory and Lina’s confused faces, “So, Manny offered me a fellowship at the district. And I’m like 80/20 on doing it.”

“So, you’d leave Abbott,” Gregory concluded.

“Well, yeah, but not permanently,” Janine pointed out.

“Well, I’m happy for you,” Lina smiled at her friend.

“I am, too. And jealous. And sad. I’m emotional, which calls for shots.” Jacob stood up and went to the bar.

“I’ll come with you to help carry them,” Lina stood up. She only really left to let the teachers crush on each other alone. When she got to the bar with Jacob, she leaned on it, “When are those two gonna realize that they like each other and make the jump?”

“I know! It’s like watching dough rise,” Jacob rolled his eyes.

“Anyways, I gotta tell somebody. I think Manny is so attractive!” Lina giggled.

“Literally, same! Oh, my God. You should ask for his number!” Jacob hyped Lina up.

“I got it. He asked me for mine before he left. He said it was so I could text him any ideas I had for improving the school.” Lina smiled.

“Oh, my God. He totally has a thing for you,” Jacob grinned at his friend.

“What? No! It can’t be that,” Lina shook her head.

“Uhh, yes, it could. You’re hot and have a nice body and the greatest personality! I say ask him on a date,” Jacob shrugged.

“I don’t think so. I’m big on the guy asking, so I know he’s interested,” Lina shook her head, “My mom always told me that, and I believe her and that ideal,”

[fairycosmos]

i’m starting a new job soon too!! anything you’ve found that’s been helpful? hope you feel all settled in soon xx

congratulations v v happy for you!! ❤️ so exciting and amazing job at landing a new role. i think one thing ive learned to force myself to do is ask literally every and any question that comes to mind and try to supersede the fear of feeling dumb or looking stupid or whatever. obviously the anxiety might still be there but try to acknowledge it for what it is and go ahead and ask all the questions you have anyway. everyone knows ur new and they dont expect you to know much. ask for written or simpler instructions if you neeed to, ask for clarification etc. no point in sitting in turmoil on your own tbh. also try not to get involved w any team drama just like smile and nod and go back to ur business because it is notttt worth it lol no job pays enough for you to expend your energy like that imo. hmmmm what else. understand that you can be competent at your role and still make mistakes at the same time. it's not an either/or thing and it is OK to give yourself room to fuck up. also try to get everything important in writing so you can keep a record of what has been said and done and set strong boundaries from the jump about what you tolerate and what you dont. kindly but firmly. and allow yourself to freak out when you need to without catastrosphising about losing ur job or making some huge irreparable mistake - i allot myself time to this for basically every task i get that im new at or nervous about. it's ok to feel that way and it doesn't mean you are fucked forever. i lose my mind at my computer for 2 hrs take a bathroom break to breathe or a lunch break to eat and then come back and ask for help or break the task down into tiny chunks. ive also learned that coworkers aren't necessarily friends so it's best to just be respectful and friendly with them without getting overly involved. obviously there's exceptions to that but yeah. i pretty much just accept that the first few months are going to feel embarrassing and weird and disjointed and i try to take each day or even each morning/afternoon as it comes. always having a list of stuff that youve been working on and and making it sound fancy even if its a v simple task comes in handy too when talking to ur boss or whatever. it's all a lot easier said than done but at least trying to implement the above strategies kinda helps a bit. wishing you the absolute best of luck - i know you are going to kill it!! Xxx ❤️💌

[mariacallous]

At work, my coworker (who is basically training me to take over her position when she retires in the next few years) has to run several reports.

One of them involves frankensteining three different other reports/sources into one excel document and having links and references and formulas and pivot tables because of the information requested and being tracked. It’s a huge file/report.

Because of where we work, and the underinvestment in tech and other tools, this is the only really centralized place for this set of data. And it still requires updates be made by different teams and divisions, which get compiled by sending out a very scaled down version of the report with the bare minimum open and available and, most importantly, as an excel file attachment and not as a link to the full report or document (partly because of data and access issues and partly because the full report even as an email attachment was crashing people’s stuff) and v-looked up etc after.

The overall team director has been pushing my coworker to make this file uploaded to onedrive/sharepoint and made so that people could enter their updates/comments directly into it, and so that said director could access it or whatever “if she needed to” aka it’s about micromanaging and not being comfortable with so few people who understand and can access and update the info, part of which is somewhat understandable.

A meeting was held this week to “discuss the pros and cons” of this, and my coworker and I discussed and came up with various reasons why it would be a lateral transfer of work at best (and realistically more work for everyone involved except for said director) like we were asked to.

It became very clear very quickly that almost nothing we could have said would have changed anything. As soon as the director began talking about how this tracker they use and have in onedrive was “life-changing” we knew we might as well save our breaths unless we absolutely needed to push back on something, and even then it was downplayed. The director was relentless in that really obnoxious positive insincere way. Also, for reference, the tracker that was life-changing has far less data, links, formulas, etc and is purely just people entering stuff into cells. It was not apples to apples.

So now we’re tasked with over the next two weeks or so in figuring out how to implement this shift. And how we communicate it to the rest of the office.

[circular-bircular]

I like this topic a normal amount.

First and foremost, to address the biggest part: yes, yes, it makes my job harder. I feel like I sort of have to acknowledge the fact that, yes, having a disability makes things hard. The amnesia, the issues, god the issues I have… it makes teaching exceptionally difficult for me.

However. I wanna talk about specific struggles (how my disorder impacts teaching specifically) as well as… how it’s a positive.

Struggles:

Amnesia means I forget things. I forget the assignments that are graded; I forget the meetings I must attend; I forget what rules I’ve made and said. The kids often comment on how I’m inconsistent, and that’s because of this issue. I will forget I set a rule and they’ll yell at me for being a hypocrite.

Trauma is weird and triggers are weird, and by god, the kids trigger me. Name trigger? Check. Food triggers? Check. Song triggers? Check. And even things that aren’t triggers but still difficult to talk about — Harry Potter is a big one for my age group — wear down on my emotional regulation skills and everything. Thank god I have a partner who picks up a lot of my slack in that regard.

Constant overthinking plays a role in the above as well, and it’s a fucking burden especially in teaching. Decision Fatigue is real and difficult. I heard an estimate at one time that said that teachers make upwards of 8000 decisions a day, and tbh I think they lowballed that. You’re constantly trying to plan out people’s reactions, what’s best for the students, how to best teach, etc etc… which just plays right along with the constant overthinking I already to (if I take this action, they’ll do this, which will lead to this… which hopefully means I won’t get yelled at later).

Different parts of mine hate teaching. This one is smaller but it does get very hard to get everyone on board, and… worst still, we all have different teaching styles. So, if Wade plans an independent day for the students to work while he plans, but Sie happens to be out the day of the lesson, then we won’t be planning; she’s going to be talking to the students and distracting them too much to work, and will likely help them too much on the assignment because she’s a slut got group work.

That's just a few things, honestly. Way more come to my mind each time I think about this topic. Like... Dissociating while driving to work! That's often. It's all just... a lot.

HOWEVER!!!

Advantages:

I know everything that is happening all of the time, except for when I don't. That sounds kind of stupid, but... Since I've had to adapt so much to my lack of memory, I always know when shit is happening. If you ever need a reminder for when a meeting is happening, I have it written down somewhere. Need to know about an email that was sent a week ago? I'll find it in 10 seconds, regardless of the fact that I forgot that email existed.

I am highly adaptable. Look, you learn to be flexible when you forget that time exists 24/7. Oh shit, fire alarm -- well, that's alright, I already forget my lesson plans for tomorrow, so I won't be too hurt about having to reorganize those plans.

Ignoring the autism, I appear to be very open to change, which pleases my superiors at work. What's that, we've got a new Thing(tm) we have to implement in the classroom? Cool! I'm super upset about it, buuuut, Debra doesn't give a shit, so she'll come out and do that. But to all of my coworkers, I'm just a really flexible person who is fine adapting to new curriculums, methods, and frameworks!

By proxy of the amount of research I've done into DID/OSDD, I am... incredibly trauma informed. This year at school, we did a lot of trauma-informed education for teachers, and... I'm a bit ashamed to say I was practically teaching the classes myself. I kept asking pointed questions that would help the educators realize the gaps in the lessons they had on ACEs and how to teach traumatized students (the biggest one being conflicting needs, they really do not understand how to handle them -- they get that they exist but not what to do about them). I feel like this has made me such a better teacher, because I can look at kids whose backstories I know and understand. I get it. I can accommodate so much more readily.

I really think that's one of the most important things, and one of the biggest differences I've encountered via therapy and learning more about my system.

Back at the start of teaching, I knew I was a system, but I wasn't in therapy and I was still stuck with my abusers. At first, I was just going through the motions and doing the things I had to. Was I passionate? Absolutely! But I hadn't really... gotten past the dissociative barriers I had in place for just regular day-to-day life. I can barely tell you what I did those years, because it just... slips away.

But then, I started my current area (6th grade ELA) at a new school, away from my abusers, starting therapy, and... Oh jesus lord FUCK it was a mess. I was a traumatized, emotionally disregulated dumpster fire. I managed it, of course, and I can mask WELL. But I was finally, finally coming to terms with everything...

And that was the year I discovered how mentally ill my students are. How many are just like me -- so similar to me, in fact, that a student revealed to me they suspected they had DID. And at the time, I didn't know how to handle that. I didn't know how to handle the students coming to me with clear mental health issues, beyond playing therapist. That's kinda my go-to.

Now, after three years of therapy, lots of trauma compartmentalizing and emotional regulation strategies, cutting my family off fully, and starting EMDR... I think I'm at a point where I can help students go through life without devoting my life to theirs. That's one of the biggest struggles I think passionate teachers (who are there for the kids, not the lessons) have to deal with; we cannot and should not be these kids therapists. That is not our job, and we are not trained to do it. Of every teacher I know of that I've discussed this problem with, each and every one has told me they have a therapist specifically for this problem. (Note: that's about 5 of my coworkers from the 6th grade department that I'm talking about).

I think I'm getting healthier for me, which in turn is letting me be healthier for the kids. And that's always a great thing.

BYIUJOKP I hope that ramble was fine lol

Hey yall, open-ended question: in your opinion and in your experiences, how has having a CDD affected your specific area of work (or if you don't work, your hobbies, school, or any other aspect of your day to day life)? And, if applicable, have there been any differences throughout your healing and recovery journey? (pre-system discovery, post-stabilization, during trauma work, post-integrations, post-fusions, etc.?)

[wordsintimeandspace]

Love Somebody Like You (2/5)

Jon wanted to ask Martin out for months, but after too many dates that ended the exact moment he came out, he hasn’t managed to scrape together the courage just yet. Meanwhile, Martin desperately wants to ask Jon on a date as well, but he isn’t quite sure what to make of all the mixed signals Jon sends his way. And then there’s Jon’s flatmate Tim, who accidentally finds himself in the middle of all this after meeting Martin on a night out…

In the end, it might just take a supernatural encounter and a desperate rescue mission to sort out all this mess.

Jon/Martin with a good dash of Jon&Tim friendship, rated T, ~2500 words for this chapter. Read on AO3!

Fuck.

Martin just barely resists the urge to scream as soon as Jon turns on his heels and practically runs out of the library. He does not, however, resist the urge to collapse onto the desk and bury his face in his hands.

That’s how Basira finds him just a moment later. Martin can feel her gaze on him even before she speaks up, boring into the back of his skull.

“You okay?” she finally asks, a bit reluctantly. Martin pushes himself upright with a long sigh.

“Just great,” he spits out, with more venom than intended. Basira only raises a sceptical eyebrow at him, with no other emotion flashing across her face. No pity, no judgement, and somehow that is enough to break Martin.

“Jon was here a moment ago,” he blurts out before he can stop himself. “And I made an idiot of myself.”

“Somehow I doubt that.”

“I did. I- I asked him out. And he said no.”

At that, Basira’s other eyebrow shoots up. “Really? I thought he was all over you.”

Heat rushes to Martin’s cheeks. “I’m, well, he- he didn’t say no per se, but just… stared at me in horror and then said he couldn’t. And-”

Martin bites his tongue before the next part slips out. And when I touched him earlier he froze, and his heart was racing, as if in… panic, maybe? Basira doesn’t need to know that part. Martin isn’t sure he would survive the humiliation.

“And… that’s basically a ‘no, not interested’, I suppose,” Martin finishes, sounding utterly miserable.

Basira lets out a long sigh that probably means something like ‘I’m not getting paid enough to deal with the pining of my coworkers’. “Right,” she says, a determined look entering her eyes. “Grab your stuff, we’re closing early and going for a drink.”

“I- what?”

Basira shrugs. “Looks like you need it. No one comes to the library at this time of the day anyway. Except for Jon, apparently.”

Martin hesitates for a moment, but then he nods. At least he won’t have to be alone with his thoughts. “Okay. Let’s go.”

~~~

Drinks with Basira is… fine. They very carefully don’t talk about anything personal or - God forbid - emotional, and instead make smalltalk over the books they’ve read recently and argue over the new filing system they’re implementing in the library. It surely isn’t Martin’s favourite way to spend an evening, but it’s a welcome distraction. It ends abruptly around ten when Basira gets a call from someone and has to leave, while Martin stays a little longer to finish his last beer.

Unfortunately, that is enough for his thoughts to return to Jon. Martin runs a hand down his face with a groan. For just a moment, after Jon asked him to join on the trip to Kent, Martin had been so sure he was interested. That he’d say yes to a date in a heartbeat. Christ, he asked Martin to share his hotel room, and then he still turned him down. Martin isn’t sure the signals could be any more mixed. But maybe he finally has to admit to himself that Jon sees nothing but a working relationship between them.

“Hey,” someone suddenly says beside him, and Martin looks up to find a man smiling down at him. He’s handsome - dark hair that flops down his forehead, broad shoulders in a patterned button-up, a blinding smile. And, Martin notices with a hitch of his breath, a bi pride pin stuck to his collar.

“Um. H-hi,” he manages to get out.

“I’ve got a drink for you if you want it,” the man says, holding up two glasses filled with a pink cocktail. It matches the bright purple of his nails. “But no pressure if you’d rather be left alone.”

Martin blinks. He’s not used to getting hit on like this, and he suddenly doesn't quite know what to do with it. “Um. Uh- no, I’d like some company,” he finally stutters, and the man’s grin widens.

“Great,” he says as he sits down, sliding a glass over to Martin. “I’m Tim.”

“Martin.”

Tim tilts his head. “Martin, huh? You’re not a researcher by any chance, are you?”

“Uh, no. I work in a library. Why?”

“Oh, my flatmate works in research and talks about a coworker called Martin a lot. Would’ve been a funny coincidence.”

Martin hesitates for a second. Does Jon have a flatmate? He actually doesn’t know. But he isn’t sure why Jon would talk about him outside of work. “Uh, it’s a common name, I guess?” Martin finally says with a chuckle.

“Sure is.” Tim grins, and launches into a story about the Martin at his office who, after two months of increasingly confusing conversations, turned out to be two separate people with the same name.

Over the next hour, Martin learns that Tim is smart and funny and - most importantly - genuinely interested in what Martin has to say. It makes him easy to talk to. It makes Martin, when Tim starts flirting with him, with an easy smile on his lips and a sparkle in his eyes, actually flirt back. They’re just about to order a second drink when Tim suddenly bites his lip, looking a little bit shy for the first time that night, and lays a hand over Martin’s. His skin is warm where they touch.

“Do you want to come home with me?” Tim asks, and Martin nearly chokes on the last sip of his drink.

He takes a moment to catch his breath. With the way Tim looks at him, it’s clear even to Martin what he’s implying. Right, he thinks, feeling a bit lightheaded. People do that sort of thing. Pick someone up from a bar to take them to bed. Sometimes he forgets.

“Uh-” Martin starts dumbly.

Tim lets out a nervous laugh and pulls his hand away. “Sorry, was that too forward?”

“Um, no, it’s just…” Martin takes a breath and grimaces. “Sorry. I’m just… really badly in love with my coworker.”

“Oh!” Tim’s eyebrows shoot up. “Okay.”

Martin groans and runs a hand down his face. “We’re not- I mean, we’re not together, and I really don’t think he likes me like that, but, um… that’s not fair to you, is it?”

Tim shrugs. “I mean, I'm up for casual. No strings attached. It’s just sex, so I really don’t mind if you’re into someone else.”

Martin’s breath catches in his throat. He’s never really tried casual sex. He likes sex, sure, but it’s not something that crosses his mind all too often. It just never came up when he wasn’t in a relationship. But he likes Tim. And the thought of being wanted like this, of spending the night in someone else’s arms, of getting to touch them and being touched in return, nearly brings tears to his eyes.

“Okay,” Martin blurts out. What else can he say, lonely and touch-starved as he is?

Tim smiles, but still looks a little doubtful. “Are you sure?” he asks softly. “We can just get another drink if you’d prefer?”

Martin reaches for Tim’s hand, entangling their fingers. “I’m sure,” he says, voice surprisingly steady.

Tim’s smile splits into a grin. “Okay. Okay, great.”

~~~

Half an hour later, Martin lets Tim push him down onto his bed. As soon as he’s lying down Tim is on top of him, knees on either side of his hips. Martin links his hand behind Tim’s neck to pull him down for another kiss, and Tim eagerly sinks into it.

He gets lost in the sensations for a while, the glorious heat and pressure and softness of it all. Tim’s lips warm against his own, his body firm above him, a hand slipping beneath his shirt, caressing and exploring. Martin’s head swims as he kisses back, tugs Tim a little closer, runs a hand down Tim’s back that’s making him shiver in Martin’s arms.

It’s nice. It’s more than that, even. It’s dizzying and exciting and comforting all at once. And yet.

As Tim whimpers against Martin’s lips, he can’t help but wonder if Jon would make a similar sound. If he would enjoy the nip of teeth and the rake of fingernails down his back as well, or if he would prefer a gentler approach. Soft kisses against his cheek, gentle fingertips caressing the back of his neck, quiet whispers of adoration until he’s melting in Martin’s arms. He would look so lovely like this, cheeks flushed and hair spread out on Martin’s pillow and-

Tim lets out a moan above him, and the sound roughly pulls Martin out of his fantasy. Shame burns through him, dread settling in his stomach cold as ice, and he lets out a distressed sound from the back of his throat. Tim immediately pushes himself upright, looking down at him in concern.

Martin rolls to the side to put some distance between them and buries his face in his hands. “Sorry. I’m sorry. I can’t do this.”

“Hey, it’s alright,” Tim says. “I’m sorry. Did I do something wrong?”

“No, no, it’s just… it’s just me. I’m sorry.”

Tim shifts beside him, sheets rustling, and when Martin chances a peak between his fingers he’s sitting with his back against the headboard, looking down at him with a furrow between his brows. “Don’t apologise. You’re allowed to change your mind.”

Martin lets out a shuddering breath. He pushes himself upright as well and sits beside Tim, wrapping his arms around his knees. “It’s just- I can’t stop thinking about…”

“Your coworker?” Tim asks gently.

“Yeah. And- I know you said you don’t mind if I’m into someone else, but I just… I can’t do this while thinking about someone else. That just feels awful.”

For some reason, Tim still doesn’t look upset, even though his hair is still mused and his lips are still shining and red. He just smiles, and says, “He must be a pretty great guy.”

Martin can’t help but smile back. “He is.”

“Do you want to talk about him?”

“I- no.” Martin groans and runs a hand down his face. “God, Tim, I already feel like such a dick for bringing this up while I’m in your bed.”

Tim laughs. “It’s fine.”

“It really isn’t.” Martin sighs, and swings his legs over the edge of the bed. “I’m sorry. I should leave.”

Tim doesn’t answer at first. When Martin turns to look at him, he’s watching him closely. “I mean… you don’t have to?” Tim finally says with a shrug.

Martin blinks. “What?”

“Look, it’s late. You probably missed the last tube. I don’t mind if you stay over, even without sex. I can take the couch, if you want. Or we can share the bed, if you’re comfortable with that. No offence, but you look like you could do with a hug.”

Martin lets out a wet laugh, wiping his eyes. “I really do,” he admits.

Tim grins. “Then stay. Nothing untoward, I promise.”

Letting out a long breath, Martin relaxes back onto the bed. He can’t remember the last time he platonically shared a bed with someone, and the longing for this kind of closeness extinguishes any leftover embarrassment. He can’t bring himself to move. “Yeah,” he finally says. “Yeah, okay.”

~~~

Spending the night with the Admiral purring on his chest always does wonders for Jon’s anxiety. It’s still a quiet thrum under his skin the next morning, but it’s nothing compared to the jittery mess he was the day before. Tim was right. He got this. He can tell Martin. Maybe Jon can convince him to take his lunch box outside today, and they can find a quiet spot in a park to talk…

As Jon makes the short walk back to his flat to grab his bag for work, he’s pondering his exact words, turning the sentences around in his head over and over again. By the time he’s turning the key in the lock he’s tentatively settled on “Martin, I don’t experience sexual attraction to anyone and do not enjoy intercourse, but I do like you and if you’re still amenable I would really like to go out for dinner with you”. Yes, that might do it.

He’s still distracted and deep in thought as he makes his way into the flat. The voices from down the hall barely register, until he makes his way to the kitchen and freezes on the spot.

Standing at the counter is none other than Martin. He has his back to Jon as he pours hot water from the kettle into two mugs. It’s a motion that’s so very familiar from all the times Jon ran into him in the breakroom, and yet it’s so strange that Jon can barely wrap his head around it. Because this is Martin in his kitchen, clad in nothing but an undershirt and pyjama trousers. Oh, fuck.

Tim shouts something from the direction of his bedroom that Jon can’t make out over the rush of blood in his ears. Martin laughs, the sound ringing in Jon’s head like a bell, and turns to answer.

That is the moment when he spots Jon. He goes stock still, the colour draining from his face as his eyes widen in shock. Jon still can’t move. He tries not to stare, but it’s to no avail. This is something that could’ve been plucked out of Jon’s most domestic fantasies, except that Martin’s pyjama trousers have obviously been borrowed from Tim and Jon just can’t.

“J-Jon?” Martin stutters, his voice even higher pitched than usual.

“Martin,” Jon manages to get out. His voice sounds as faint as he feels.

Tim suddenly appears in the doorway. “What are you- oh.” Tim’s eyes go wide as he looks from Jon to Martin and back.

“What are you doing here?” Martin finally squeaks.

“I- I live here.” Jon ducks his head, trying to escape both Martin’s and Tim’s eyes on him. “Sorry, I just…”

“Oh, Christ.” Tim looks at Martin in shock. “Is Jon your coworker that you…”

Martin lets out a desperate sound from the back of his throat. He nods, and Jon isn’t sure if he’s missing context or if he just doesn’t understand what they’re talking about because his brain has turned into static. It’s hard to grasp a coherent thought. He doesn’t really have it in him to process their words. His ears are still ringing, and he can feel the panic clawing up his throat and-

“I- I need to get to work,” he blurts out. He needs to get out, right now. Without waiting for anyone to speak, Jon whirls around, grabs his bag that he dropped in the hallway the previous day, and rushes out of the flat.

The front door slams shut behind him.

[bigheartedsky]

O3

Pairings: Hoseok x Reader; slight coworker!Namjoon x Reader

Genre: Fluff; Angst

Word Count: 13.9k+

Warnings: mentions of panic attacks

Summary: Fifty years ago, your government decided that, due to the high rate of people suffering from loneliness, the O3-project shall be introduced to your country. The goal of this project was to reduce the years people spent trying and failing to find their perfect partner and making it possible for them to sit back and relax while they find it for them instead. You are one of the youngest Implementers of the One and Only Office yet and you love your job more and more everyday. But a new case has you doubting everything you do because nothing seems to add up. Why are you so attracted to the person you’re supposed to connect with their perfect partner and what does your coworker Namjoon have to do with all of this?

[a/n: This story is the one I’ve put the most effort in so far thinking carefully of how I want the story to develop and choosing to go with a slow burn love story this time. I hope you enjoy the story and thanks to the lovely @yeontanismypresident​ for beta reading again and for leaving such a sweet message at the end with her opinion <3 Now here are some side informations you might need for the story:

Finder = Job; runs data on people through the system and finds the couples meant for each other; they create the data files needed by the Implementers to do their job

Implementer = Job; gets in contact with the couples and manages meetings between them to make them get together

One = one of the couple; this is what you call the partner of the couple in front of you or yourself in this context

Only = one of the couple; this is what you call the most of the time not present partner of the couple especially when talking about him/her/it

Have fun reading!]

Masterlist

“Fifty years ago, our government decided that, due to the high rate of people suffering from loneliness, the O3-project shall be introduced to our country. The goal of this project was to reduce the years people spent trying and failing to find their perfect partner and making it possible for them to sit back and relax while we find it for them instead. Our department developed a system, with the help of Professor Kim, that runs through all available data on every single living person in this country and matches them together with an accuracy of 100% to this day. We never had any mistakes in our work, which is remarkable. Our systems get updated regularly, and we’ve grown from a four-people-team to a team made of over 5.000 people. But I don’t want to get into the detail of all our achievements which I’ve seen with my own eyes over all these years – there were many just saying – and let you all get to the buffet and celebrate our 50 years anniversary. A toast to our great department! To One and Only Office!”

“To One and Only Office,” everyone replied, including you, and raised their glasses to your boss. When the office got introduced, he was only 25 years old, fresh out of university, and still wet behind his ears just like you were now. Fifty years went by, and now he was 75 years old and almost done working his shift of this life. He still had a youthful glint in his eyes whenever he had one of his crazy new inventions in mind.

A few minutes later, you saw him coming up to you.

“How is my youngest Implementer?” he asked you with a friendly grin. You just started to grin back at him.

“She’s gonna miss you badly. Do you really have to go?” you questioned with a sad look on your face. He just laughed heartily and rubbed your shoulders comfortingly.

“You’re going to survive without me. You’re smarter than me anyways, or why do you think I forced you into university? Someone has to come up with new ideas when I’m gone. Besides, I’ve worked my fair share already. Let me have some peace and quiet before I go for good.” Winking at you, he let out another laugh.

“I’m never gonna live up to that crazy mind of yours. I might as well quit right here and now.”

“And who’s gonna save my ass when I forget where I left my data files again?” Another voice joined into your conversations. You felt a hand on your hip and pressed your lips together in a thin line.

“How about you’d stop putting them down in random places, Namjoon?” you asked while gently removing his hand from your hip and taking a small step away from him. Turning to face both of them instead of just your old boss, you took a sip of your drink and rolled with your eyes smiling.

“I’m not doing it on purpose! It just happens.” He complained in a pouty voice. You sighed, laughing a little while excusing yourself from the conversation to finally get some of the good food they ordered. You thanked your boss silently when he engaged Namjoon in another conversation about his recent ideas so that he couldn’t follow you. You didn’t hate Namjoon, but sometimes his attitude towards you was just too much for you. Today was one of the days where you just couldn’t handle his attempts to flirt with you.

The next morning you checked your emails as per usual. Your work inbox included some data files of people you had to get in contact with, as well as a notification that an appointment was today at 3PM. You went over to your private inbox since there was nothing unusual in your work inbox, and you still had some time until work started. You put your kettle on the stove to make yourself a tea and worked your way through your private emails. Everything was normal until one of the emails caught your eye.

“Huh? That’s from work, but why did they send that to my private email?” confused but ensured that it’s just a mistake since they have both of your email addresses you opened the mail.

What’s up with this?

Your eyebrows furrowed even more, showing a deep crease in between them. Instead of the usual text, the email contained a random variation of numbers, letters, and punctuation characters. You rubbed your eyes for a second just to make sure that it wasn’t your eyesight acting up.

“This is a first… I better tell the IT department about that.” Making yourself some notes in your work calendar for the day, you finished your breakfast and made your way to the office.

After telling the IT department your concerns with the email you got, they assured you they’d look into it and keep you updated. Taking and giving one call after the other, you sat at your desk for hours, managing appointments for the next few weeks and going through the data the Finders gave you. Noticing the same bug on one of the data files as the one on the email you got this morning, you took the file and went over to the Finder department. Going through rows and rows of desks with computers and paper piles on them high enough to suffocate you if they would ever tip over, you searched for the Finder of this data file. You went to the department head Kim Seokjin to ask him about it first.

“Oh, that’s Namjoon’s case. He should be at his desk right now. But good that you found that. Would be a ton of work if this happened more often. We can print it out again for you. Might be our first little bug in the system right there.” Upon hearing the Finder’s name you sigh deeply, not sure if you were up to talk with him today, but you pulled yourself together immediately and thanked him for the help. You found Namjoons desk quickly, him being taller than anyone else in this office. He seemed focused on his work, typing away, and checking the papers to his left and right over and over. You’ve never seen him work at his desk before, and it almost shocked you how serious he seemed.

“Namjoon?” you asked very cautiously, feeling embarrassed all of a sudden for disturbing him at work.

“One second. I just need to finish these so that I can read them into the system and run the analysis.” He said, not even looking up from his work. It took a few more minutes before he tapped on his keyboard one last time and turned to you, satisfied with his work. Noticing now that it was you who called him made his whole attitude change a little.

“Y/N. What gives me the honor? Are you finally accepting my offer of lunch together?” You rolled your eyes, smiling a little, and put one hand on your hips, shifting your weight on one foot.

“The computer already said that you and I don’t match at all. You should know that better than everyone else since you ran the analysis on it. What was it again? 5% compatibility?”

“Okay, okay, I got it. You don’t have to sugarcoat your hatred for me. How can I help you?” He replied, acting deeply hurt with a very sarcastic undertone. Although his grin didn’t falter a bit the whole time, he turned a little more serious at the end.

“I’m here because of the data file on Jung Hoseok. I don’t know what happened with this, but I can barely read any information except for his Only and his address.”

Namjoon took the file out of your hand, and within one second, his grin turned into a frown. “What the hell… I remember exactly that I wrote everything down in the system. Why is it all gibberish now?”

“I don’t know, but I was hoping you could print it out for me directly from the program? Maybe the internal emailing has a bug.”

“Sure, just one second.” He turned towards his computer, typing away on the keyboard, and just a few seconds later, you could already hear the printer running. Namjoon got up and took the paper out of his printer. Checking it over one more time, his eyebrows furrowed again. “Strange…”

“What’s strange?” you asked, immediately going to look at the paper in his hand.

“The analysis is missing.” He was right. The whole paragraph on their compatibility was missing, but at least now it had all information on the persons themselves.

“That is strange. But this will be enough to get in contact with him and his Only for now. Can you tell Seokjin about this? I need to get ready for an appointment and also call this fellow.” You asked Namjoon.

“Only if you eat lunch with me together tomorrow. Just as friends, of course.” He grinned, which made you laugh a little.

“I have a lunch appointment tomorrow. Sorry, but how about Friday?” he let out a breathy laugh, sighing a little at the end.

“Sure. Friday then.”

“Okay. And just so you know, I don’t hate you.” A smile formed on his lips, although he tried to hide it, revealing his dimples. You gave him a playful shove and said your goodbye without even noticing the way he watched you walk away.

“Hello, here is One and Only Office Implementer Y/N Y/L/N. Am I speaking with Jung Hoseok?” Driving home in your car after the afternoon appointment, you called him on speaker. There was a short pause, followed by a loud crash on the other end of the call and a hurried reply.

“Yes! Yes, hey. I’m Jung Hoseok.” His voice sounded friendly and intoxicatingly happy. It had a soothing undertone to it.

“Mr. Jung, we found your Only, and I would like to make an appointment to talk about the next steps with you in person. When would be the right time for you?”

“Wow. Um- this is amazing. Sorry, I’m a little bit overwhelmed. I’ve been waiting for this moment since I was a little boy.” You couldn’t help the smile spreading on your face. His reaction was too cute, making you giggle a little. You pulled yourself together immediately again.

What the hell was that? Something that unprofessional never happened to me. I just giggled at a client! How embarrassing.

“Sorry, um- I didn’t mean to laugh. Your reaction was just too cute-“ WHAT THE HELL AM I SAYING?!

You heard a hearty laugh at the other end of the phone.

“It’s alright. I’ll make time whenever you are available.” He replied, still laughing a little. Hearing his laugh made you blush without even noticing and laugh a little again too.

“How about tomorrow evening? 6PM?”

“Okay, it’s a date.” He replied cheerfully. Out of nowhere, your heart started beating like crazy. Making your goodbye as quickly as possible, you ended the call and stopped driving at the side of the road for a moment catching your breath.

What’s wrong with my heart? Is this a panic attack? It doesn’t feel like usual.

You tried all sorts of breathing exercises until your heart stopped beating so fast. Only when your heartbeat was back to normal, you started driving again.

Back home, you changed into your workout gear, taking your bag, and going to your weekly dance practice. You weren’t the best dancer, but you weren’t bad either. Nothing you could make money with, but doing it made you happy for sure. You loved your job, so you didn’t have a real eagerness to become a fulltime dancer anyways. On top of this was your best friend in the same team as you. You greeted her with a warm hug and sat down on the ground next to her starting to stretch together. After exchanging some updates about your week, she started showing you videos of this dancer she found on the internet just recently.

“He’s seriously amazing. His technique and precision on the music is out of this world. He’s my new idol, I swear.” She talked excitedly about him, pointing out the details of every choreography.

“Wow, he’s really good. What’s his name?”

“He goes by J-Hope, but no one knows his real name. He’s been going to a lot of competitions with his team and solo. He’s really lowkey on his social media, never giving any hints about his personal information.” Your friend stated sulkily.

“You already stalked his socials?” You scoffed, laughing a little.

“You know me.” She grinned back at you, getting up shortly after because practice started.

“Okay we’re gonna work on positions for the next dance performance today. Let’s see. We’re gonna make a triangle formation for the beginning. Y/N, you’ll come to the front.” Your dance coach instructed you, and you started walking to the front, hearing some whispered words along the way.

“Why is she always at the front?” – “I know, she’s not even that good.” – “Yeah.” – “Maybe she has a thing with the teacher?”

Swallowing hard, you tried to ignore their whispered comments, only focusing on what the coach has to say. You wouldn’t give them the favor of letting your true feelings show. The truth was that you always doubted your skills, and if it wasn’t for your best friend being here, you wouldn’t have the courage to come to practice in the first place.

Half an hour of just going through the positions and formations for the show passed until you practiced with music for the first time. Your best friend was dancing right next to you in the formation when she suddenly crash-landed on the floor, screaming and wincing in pain. The music was cut off immediately, and one of your teammates crouched next to your friend, asking her if she was alright.

“Y/N shoved her! I saw it with my own eyes. She wouldn’t even let her best friend be with her in the spotlight.” One of the girls from before suddenly exclaimed. You wanted to rush to your best friend, but the sudden accusations that now started coming from all the other girls caught you off-guard. Your whole body was starting to shake, eyes never leaving your friend who was clutching her leg with an expression twisted with pain. The coach went to your friend immediately, lifting her up and declaring practice was over for today and that he would bring her to the hospital. You were frozen in place, still shocked by everything that happened. Tears stung in your eyes, making you close them tightly. You started to move with closed eyes, shoving the girls that were still accusing you and now cornering you against the mirrored wall, to the side to take your bag and run out the door.

Throwing your bag on the passenger seat, you wasted no time to drive home, getting all sorts of flashbacks from high school. Your heart started racing, and your breath got more and more flat, forcing you to stop the car at the side of a road and get out to catch some fresh air. Going to the passenger side, you pulled the door open violently, not caring if anything broke, and searched for your medication in the glove compartment. Your hands were shaking and sweating like crazy, eyes slowly starting to get hazy, and the all too familiar feeling of dizziness setting in when you finally found your medicine. You quickly swallowed one of the pills and sat down on the grass next to your car until the medication set in. Sighing deeply, you let yourself fall back onto the grass, staring at the night sky where a few more stars glistened than in the center of the city where you lived.

The next day you received a call from your best friend. She wouldn’t be able to attend dance practice for a while because of her leg, and as far as she knew at that moment, she might even have to skip the performance. Your heart sank at that. Even though you knew you didn’t push her, you still felt guilty for not helping her immediately.

“I’m sorry how everything went yesterday. I didn’t know what to do, and then everyone started blaming me, and I don’t know.”

“Hey, Y/N. Don’t go blaming yourself as those idiots did. I know it wasn’t your fault. No one pushed me, I actually tripped over something although I don’t know what exactly. I’m sorry I couldn’t say anything at that time. Did you struggle a lot?” your best friend asked and proved to you again just how well she knew you.

“I’m okay. I just worry about you.” You answered although the aftermath of last night was clearly visible on your face. Your dark under-eye circles would even make a panda jealous and would need a lot of makeup to cover up later.

“Y/N…” your insightful friend knew you weren’t okay, but all you cared about was for her to get better soon.

“I have to go to work now. Please get well soon. Bye!” You hung up the phone before she could probe how you were really doing.

The day went by quickly with a lot of calls and appointments to do, and before you even realized it, your last appointment for the day was right around the corner. Walking up to the café he wanted to meet at, you kept watch for anyone who looked like he was waiting for someone. Since the data files were so messed up the picture that you would usually use to identify the client was barely visible. Walking around the café, you finally found a man sitting alone with his back to you. His style and overall appearance seemed like it could fit the age written on your papers so you made your way over to him.

“Mr. Jung Hoseok?” you asked politely, trying to look at his face while he was turning around with a sudden jump.

“Oh my god, you almost gave me a heart attack!” he exclaimed, downright scared, but then his whole expression changed when his eyes met yours. It felt like your eyes were drawn to his, not being able to stop staring into them. Hearing a loud noise, you both jolted out of your starring match and into reality.

“I’m sorry. Um- I-I’m Y/N Y/L/N, from the One and Only Office. Nice to meet you in person, Mr. Jung.” You held out your hand to greet him, and when he took your hand your whole body felt like electricity went through it, making you pull your hand away in shock.

“Sorry, I guess I must’ve become staticky somehow.” He answered and started grinning from ear to ear. “Hoseok is fine by the way. Can I call you Y/N?” You just nodded, feeling the heat in your cheeks.

What’s wrong with me? Am I coming down with something? I feel so hot.

“Let’s get started, shall we?” You suggested, and took a seat across from him at the square table you were at.

“So, there has been some kind of problem with our system. Your analysis is not on here right now, but since the computer put your names together in the first place, I can tell you for sure that this is your Only.” You explained, pushing the details of his Only to him. He looked at the data intently, reading through everything while his brows knitted together in confusion. You took the opportunity to really look at all his features for the first time. His face had very gentle features, but his eyes seemed like they could change from kind to intimidating in the split of a second. Something about him seemed so very familiar to you, but you just couldn’t pinpoint what it was. It almost drove you into madness.

While reading through the interests and character of his Only his head tilted to the side almost seeming confused and unsure. He put down the papers, folding his hands together and intertwining his fingers. His elbows were resting on the table while his eyes were still looking at the data.

“This is really strange. I always thought… Well, don’t get me wrong I trust you completely but, I always thought my Only would have more in common with me.” Confusion was now not only visible on his face but also on yours.

“Do you mean you have nothing in common with that person?”

“Well not nothing but… it’s just very minor things that we have in common.”

“Hm, maybe it’s one of those opposites attract situations?” you suggested in hope to be right. With every passing minute you spend working on Jung Hoseok’s case it gets weirder and weirder.

“Hm, yea. Maybe you’re right.” Smiling a little again, his eyes met yours again, but there was something in them that bothered you. Disappointment? Sadness?

“I’m sorry if I’m crossing boundaries here but, you seem a little displeased by what I showed you, Hoseok.” Your eyes filled with worry while he started looking away slightly embarrassed.

“I guess I just expected more. Maybe also just someone that was more…” his gaze went swiftly over all of your features. “My type.”

You felt your cheeks heating up again.

Did he just check me out? Nah, I must be imagining things.

Clearing your throat, you took the data files back and stored them in your back.

“I’ll tell you as soon as I make an appointment to meet with your Only. Until then, feel free to contact me if you have any further questions regarding the O3 program. Since your Only lives in Busan, we’ll be driving you down there and make sure you have a safe trip and a place to stay there.” You explained to him getting ready to leave. When you got up, he also got up abruptly almost knocking over his chair.

“Will you be the one driving with me?” he asked you with his eyes full of solicitation. He seemed nervous because of the first meeting you assumed.

“It’s not the custom for an Implementer to accompany the One to their Only…” you tried to talk yourself out of it, but the way he was looking at you like a sad puppy made you crumble immediately.

“But… of course, I could ask if they could make an exception and let me go with you. If that makes you more comfortable.” His lips started forming a heart-shaped smile even spreading to his eyes.

“It would make me much more comfortable. I’m looking forward to seeing you again soon.” He simply answered, holding his hand out for a last handshake with you. You took his hand, and again there was this feeling of electricity going through your body, but this time he didn’t let you pull away, holding your hand a little longer than expected. You parted ways shortly after that, but it felt different from your usual appointments. Something was different about this, and you felt like it wasn’t just all the bugs in the system.

The next day, you called Hoseok’s Only to make an appointment with her. Highly confused after that conversation, but still coming out of it with an appointment to make them meet for the first time, you hung up the call.

This gets weirder and weirder.

After thinking for what felt like a few hours about it, you started making your way over to the Finder Department again – more specifically Namjoon’s desk. This time he already noticed your approach from afar.

“My most favorite Implementer. Are you longing for meeting me that much lately? I’ve been seeing you almost every day. Not that I’m complaining, I really love it.” He grinned his charming dimpled grin from ear to ear at you. You leaned against his desk, half sitting on it while looking into the distance still thinking. His expression started changing when you didn’t reply anything to him, eyebrows now knitted with concern.

“You okay?” The joking sound had left his voice completely when he saw how serious you were.

“Yeah. I am. It’s just… you remember that case I got? The Jung Hoseok one?” he nodded hesitatingly. “Well, I met with Hoseok and he was… highly confused because his Only sounded like it wouldn’t match at all.”

“But we had people before who were complete opposites and they worked out just fine.” Namjoon started reasoning, eyes still soft and filled with concern completely fixated on your figure.

“Yeah, I told him that too. But something about this just doesn’t feel right. Like all those bugs that only appeared in this case and then his Only also seemed completely disappointed when I told her who her partner is. This is making me doubt this case more and more so I just have to ask you.” You turned your head to look Namjoon right into the eyes.

“Was there anything suspicious happening while you were working on this case? Did really nothing go wrong or did a server crash and mix up the people? Systems aren’t always perfect so I gotta ask.”

“I’m sorry, Y/N, but I can’t say I have seen anything weird with it while working on it…” His eyes went back to the screen midway through the sentence making you look down at your shoes.

“Okay, thanks anyways.” Getting up you pushed yourself off his desk a little. “See you Friday at lunch.” A smile that you knew wasn’t showing in your eyes formed on your lips and with a last small wave you went back to your desk for the rest of the day.

It had been two weeks since you last saw Hoseok, and you couldn’t feel more nervous. You didn’t even understand why you were feeling like that in the first place. He was just a client after all. But still, you took two hours to put together an outfit and spent an extra 30 minutes to do your hair too which you usually wouldn’t.

You drove to the place he wanted you to pick him up from, with the car you would both drive to Busan in. Your luggage was packed away carefully so that there was still enough space for his stuff in the back of the car, and although you weren’t the biggest fan of driving long distances you were still excited for it.

Parking the car, you held in front of a tall building with a whole front made of windows. You double checked the address before you made your way in going straight for the front desk.

“Good Morning, my name is Y/N Y/L/N, and I’m from One and Only Office. I’m here to meet with Jung Hoseok.” You explained politely.

“Let me see.” The receptionist moved her finger down a long list before she stopped at one line. “Ah, here it is. Y/N Y/L/N. Mr. Jung is still at practice in room 1.03. It’s on the first floor to your left, the third door. He allowed me to tell you to just go in when you arrive.”

“Thank you.” You smiled at her before you started moving towards the room. When you stood right in front of the room you could hear music coming from the inside. It sounded as if you were underwater only the bass rang out to you until you opened up the door. What you saw inside made your jaw drop immediately. Hoseok was dancing with four other guys in absolute synchronicity and finally it hit you where you saw him before. You heard your best friends voice loud and clear in your head even with the music hitting your ears.

“He goes by J-Hope, but no one knows his real name. He’s been going to a lot of competitions with his team and solo. He’s really lowkey on his social media, never giving any hints about his personal information.”

He is J-Hope… Jung Hoseok… J-Hope… Jung equals J and Hoseok equals Hope. Wow, I could’ve guessed that.

The sudden quiet when the music turned off made you jolt out of your thoughts.

“Y/N!” You heard an excited voice call out to you. A sense of joy spread throughout your body immediately, making you smile.

“Nice to see you again, Hoseok. Are you ready for the trip?”

“Oh, that’s Y/N? Wow we heard a lot about – uff” the sentence by one of the younger looking boys was caught off by the one next to him hitting him with his elbow in the stomach. You looked at them questioningly, but still smiling.

“He meant we heard a lot about Hoseok’s Only and your great work with that.” Another one with very broad shoulders answered for him.

“Ah. I don’t do half of the work that gets put in a case.” You explained quickly with a little laugh. Hearing the door open behind you again you stepped aside to let the person get in. A boy that looked like he was in the same age span as the one that got hit met your eye, and started smiling a square smile at you.

“Oh! You must be Hoseok’s Only! Wow, you’re really exactly his type. Do you dance too? That would be awesome you guys could do couple choreographies!”

“I-I do but I’m not-“

“You do?? That’s so cool! Did you hear that Hoseok hyung? She dances, too! Why do you have such a strange look on your face?”

“Taehyung, she’s not his Only.” The one with the broad shoulders explained to Taehyung who was still standing in front of you, and now looking at you pouting.

“You sure?” He asked sulkily, and it made your heart almost explode when you started thinking of the possibility of you being Hoseok’s Only.

“I think we should really get going!” Hoseok suddenly declared when Taehyung opened his mouth to continue voicing all of his doubts. Being pushed out of the room in a rush, you only had a second to say goodbye before you and Hoseok were alone in the hallway.

“Shall I take one of the bags?” You offered up, but he quickly took his backpack and luggage before you could.

“Don’t worry. I’m strong.” He answered, smirking and winking at you, making you blush. You looked away immediately, and picked up a faster pace walking in front of him now so he wouldn’t notice your expression.

“Okay, then let’s get going. We’ve got a long drive ahead of us.”

You were driving in silence sitting next to each other, not sure whether the two of you should start up a conversation or not. Hoseok was sitting in the passenger’s seat, wearing a simple white oversized shirt tucked into ripped jeans he switched into after practice. His gaze was set on the scenery out his window with one arm leaning on the door below it. You sneaked a few glances at him while driving, feeling your eyes drawn to him whenever you stopped looking.

Eyes on the road, Y/N. Don’t want any accidents on the job. You can stare at him lat- OMG no you can’t stare at him at all. You’re bringing him to his Only and THAT’S IT!

Lecturing yourself in your head nonstop, you jumped a little when the music suddenly turned on making you drive in a slight curve for a second.

“Sorry! I didn’t mean to scare you. I just thought some music would be nice.” Hoseok apologized to you.

“It’s okay… Just warn me next time.” You replied, laughing a little. You started relaxing a little while he selected the music on his phone that he connected with the car speakers. Tapping on the steering wheel, you started humming and singing to all the songs you knew, which were a lot on his playlist, and every song you didn’t know you loved nonetheless.

“I’m surprised that you know this band.” You heard Hoseoks voice over the music.

“They are amazing. I actually went to their concert last year and it was the best concert I’ve been to so far.” You got excited all over again just talking about the concert and seeing the memories replay in your head.

“How cool, I was there too! Did you go to the one in Seoul?” Nodding and humming as a yes, you kept your eyes on the road for safety. “Can’t believe I didn’t see you there.”

“Well, there were thousands of people so the chance that we’ve crossed paths is very small. And even if we crossed paths, we could’ve still just ignored each other.” You answered trying to suppress the increasing heartbeat of yours.

“I don’t think I could’ve ignored you.” His voice was just loud enough for you to hear. It was almost just a mumble as if he wasn’t sure whether or not he should say it. Your eyes glanced at him. He was looking out the side window, chin leaning on his hand, and slightly looking like he was mad about something. Opening your mouth to ask what was wrong, your thought got interrupted by a beeping sound of your car. You looked down at the fuel gage noticing that it needed a refill so you took a turn at the next sign for a gas station. Done with paying for the refill, you headed back out to the car where Hoseok was waiting for you when someone approached you quickly.

“Excuse me, I’m sorry if this is weird but you kind of captured my attention and I just thought maybe I could give it a shot and just ask for your number?” the man in front of you didn’t look bad, and his approach didn’t offend you in the slightest, but you just didn’t feel like giving your number out.

“I’m sorry, I don’t give out my number.” You replied politely. “But I admire your courage.” With that you started walking towards your car again, but you couldn’t even take two steps before he was in front of you again.

“Why not? I promise it won’t be a waste of your time.”

“I’m really sorry.” You replied again still with a polite smile.

“Aw, come on. I can offer you a lot.” He grabbed your arm when you started walking past him again.

“Please let go of me.” You tried to push his hand off you, but he wouldn’t budge.

“I’m just asking for a chance.”

“And she’s asking you to let her go.” You suddenly heard another voice behind you. Turning your head to the side you saw Hoseok now next to you. In one swift movement, he removed the hand of the man from your arm, and took your hand in his to pull you with him.

“Let’s go.” He simply said while walking to the car. Your eyes were fixated on his face, but the only thing you could make out from this angle was his tense jaw. Opening the passenger door, he pushed you gently inside before making his way to the driver door.

“Keys.” Hoseok looked at you while holding out his hand.

“Hoseok, is everything okay?”

“I should be asking you that. Why didn’t you call out to me?” He looked into your eyes clearly mad.

“He was just a little bit persistent… He didn’t hurt me or anything and I’m sure he-“

“You’re sure he what? Would’ve let you go? I know those types of guys. He wouldn’t have given up so easily if I wouldn’t have gone to get you.”

“It wasn’t that big of a deal, Hoseok. This happens to every women once in a while and I-“

“But you’re not every woman!” he suddenly yelled at you making you jump and look at him in surprise but, it just took you one moment to get yourself back together.

“What am I then, huh?” you asked back provokingly.

“You’re- You’re a person I don’t want to get hurt.” Every bit of anger that you had left in your body suddenly vanished with this sentence from him. You were speechless, and looked into his eyes which weren’t angry anymore as well. A loud honking sound brought you both back to the real world where a few cars were already waiting for you to make space at the gas station.

“W-We should get going…” you said, still a little bit shy while he nodded. He lifted one hand out of the car as an apology to the people behind you while he started driving back on the road.

… Wait a minute

“Why are you driving now anyways?” you asked him a few minutes later, and he just started laughing suddenly.

“You just noticed??”

A few hours later ,you arrived at your hotel in Busan. Your office really didn’t do things by half-measures. The room – or better called a suite – you two lived in had two bedrooms, a small living room, a kitchen area to eat and make late night snacks, and a huge bathroom.

“Wow, I should ask if I can go along more often.” You simply stated while going inside the suite. Hoseok dropped his bags, mouth hanging wide open. Suddenly he ran to one of the bedrooms just to jump on the bed with arms and legs spread widely like a starfish. Your eyes followed him with the sudden movement making you laugh immediately.

“This is great!” He exclaimed, sitting himself up to look at you again. “What’s next on our plan? Dinner? Karaoke Bar? Or maybe we could go dancing?”

“Those all sound great but we actually have an appointment to meet with your Only in an hour. Just enough time to get ready after that long drive.” You explained watching his expression change from excited to sulky.

I’ve never seen a client be so unhappy to meet his Only.

A smile started spreading on his face again, but it didn’t seem as excited as before.

“Okay, let’s get ready.” he said, before jumping up and getting his stuff to put on something nice. You did the same in the other bedroom, changing into your usual work outfit – with just a little more care than usual.

Ding – Dong –

The doorbell sound rang through your ears for a moment. Hoseok was standing next to you, wearing a nice button-down shirt and black trousers. He was looking way too good for your taste which somehow made you feel uneasy about the meeting. You were confused by your own feelings, but at least you were able to convince him to fully button up his shirt instead of leaving the first few buttons open – which had him looking even better before.

With a squeak the door opened up and behind stood a young lady, maybe five or so years younger than you. She had short black hair and wore a headband to keep it behind her ears.

“Hello, you must be Miss Y/L/N, I’m Lee Jisu.” the girl introduced herself shaking your hand and then looking at Hoseok.

“Nice to meet you in person, Miss Lee. If I may introduce you two: this is Jung Hoseok. Your partner. Hoseok, this is Lee Jisu, your Only.” You introduced them both, and with a smile on their face they greeted each other properly but something was different from the other people you brought together.

There is no visible spark… Maybe I’ve been watching too many romance movies but usually when I meet the couple later, they’re so head over heels for each other. Maybe it needs some time?

“Shall we go inside?” Jisu asked, getting your attention back.

“Yea, let’s go.” Hoseok replied, taking the first steps inside. You stood outside, knowing that your part was done for today, and wanting to head back to the hotel. Turning around, you were surprised to suddenly feel a hand on your wrist.

“Where are you going?” When you looked up to the person holding you it was Hoseok’s face meeting you with an almost panicked expression. You looked at him in confusion.

“I’m going back to the hotel. You two need to get to know each other, and I’ll be in the way if I stay. I only got the instructions to bring you here and observe the development of the next few days.” Explaining the situation how you were taught at the office, you noticed his struggle to come up with an answer. In the end, he just let go of your wrist without another word.

“Okay, I’ll see you later tonight then.” With these words he turned around and went inside. You didn’t move a muscle until the door was shut feeling like you’re about to lose something dear to you. Taking all the willpower you got, you forced yourself to turn away and go back to the hotel.

You were exhausted. Your whole body was screaming at you being too tired to do anything anymore after getting ready for bed. All fours spread widely on the bed – mimicking Hoseok’s position when he jumped on the bed earlier – you stared at the ceiling. You looked to the wall where a big clock was hung.

“AARRGGHH How is it past midnight already?? Why can’t I sleep???” You took a pillow to scream into while kicking the bed underneath you.

“Y/N are you okay?!” His panicked voice made you sit up, immediately hiding your legs – you were wearing a pair of really short pajama shorts – with the pillow you used to scream into just now.

“Hoseok, you’re back?” Your face was bright red while you tried playing cool in front of him.

“Yea, and I thought I heard you screaming so I came to look if everything was okay…” He looked a little more relaxed now that he knew that you were okay, but judging from his messy hair and slightly unbuttoned shirt you thought he must’ve been in the middle of changing before running to you.

“I’m okay. I just had troubles falling asleep and got frustrated.” You explained bluntly honest to your own surprise. It was just too easy for you to open up to him.

“Oh, hang on a second. I’ll be right back.” Hoseok replied after thinking for a second. After he left your room you took the time to hide your lower body under the blanket leaning yourself on the headboard. After a few minutes had passed, he came back wearing  jogger pants and a sweater as pjs and carrying two mugs.

“Here you go.” He said while holding one of the mugs out to you. “I didn’t know if you are lactose intolerant so I used the lactose free milk. This always helps me sleep. My mum gave me the recipe.” His smile was proud and contagious making you smile a little too.

“Thank you.” You replied, really meaning it while he sat down at the edge of the bed still facing you. “Are you close to your mum?”

“Very much. I just wish I had more time to spend with her. Work is keeping me busy. I’m gonna make it up to her though. Once I saved up enough money, I’m gonna buy her and my dad a nice little restaurant where she can show everyone what an amazing cook she is. You know her Kimbap is the best I’ve ever eaten, you need to try-“ his eyes looked up at you smiling heartwarming at him because he looked so happy talking about his mum. He cleared his throat looking at you apologetically.

“Sorry for rambling on like that.” He simply said and lifted his mug to drink some of the milk.

“No worries really! I actually enjoyed it. I’m close to my family too so I can understand.” You replied, giving him a small smile that he returned. The atmosphere changed between the two you, making you feel a little restless and strangely hot.

“So, uh, how was the date?” He almost choked on his warm milk when you asked him, making you lean forward and pat his back with a worried look while he started coughing.

“I- … It was okay. She’s nice. Very polite. Called me Mr. Jung the whole time.” He laughed a little. “I don’t know about this…”

“Maybe you guys need more time together. You’ll meet again tomorrow anyways so I’m just gonna leave you guys to it again.”

Why am I so happy that it went badly? This is my job, and if it goes badly it would mean that we made a mistake for the first time. That’s a huge deal.

He nodded, looking at the wall in front of him.

“Say, do you have an Only yet?” Now it was your turn to almost choke on the milk, but at least you didn’t have to cough.

“No, I don’t. Everyone always jokes I’m gonna stay a One forever.” A smile was tugging on his lips.

“And what do you think about that?” he asked, referring to the “One forever” part.

“Well, I was starting to believe it too.” You laughed a little. “And I thought I’d be fine with that.”

“Why the past tense?” His eyes looked straight into yours, no joking whatsoever visible anymore. It made you forget all the punchlines you’d usually say in those situations and just stare into his eyes until you couldn’t handle it anymore and looked away.

“I don’t know. I guess something changed.” He hummed accepting that answer for now, but you could see the smirk on his lips.

“So, after lunch we’re going to meet with Jisu again and you two will have another date to get to know each other better. Everything clear so far?” Hoseok nodded while drinking the last bit of his Sprite before he was done with his meal. After you paid for the lunch with the company card you both made your way over to Lee Jisu’s home where you were greeted with a very unsettling sight.

“A police car…” Hoseok stated, looking at Jisu’s mother talking to a police officer with worry in her face.

“Did something happen yesterday?” you asked Hoseok, but he just shook his head looking just as worried and confused as you. You parked the car and left it together to ask what was going on.

“She has short straight black hair and was wearing a blue t-shirt and jeans. I- I think she took the white converse shoes because I can’t find them anywhere but- Oh, Miss Y/L/N. I’m so sorry I forgot to call you.” Jisus mother greeted you immediately when she saw you interrupting her explanation to the officer.

“Call me? I’m sorry but may I ask what happened Mrs. Lee?” you asked with confusion.

“Jisu ran away.” She sighed. “She’s nowhere to be found and I think it’s because I forced her to do the Only meeting and I’m-“ tears were starting to run down her face, and it looked like it wasn’t the first time today. You immediately searched for a tissue to give to her, but Hoseok was even faster than you holding it out for her.

“Thank you, Hoseok.” Jisus mother said, taking the tissue.

They already seem so close… you tried to suppress the frown building on your face.

“She ran away? What do you mean by forcing her to meet her Only?”

“Well, you see. Before you called to tell her that you found her Only, she was convinced that Seok Jo – the boy living in the village nearby – was her Only. She was waiting for the day that the office confirmed it for her so the two of them could finally get married. I always told her that it might not be him but she-“ Mrs. Lee started sobbing again, interrupting herself.

She already has someone she loves that much? No wonder she was so cold towards me during the call and so distant to Hoseok.

Your eyes searched for Hoseok reading his expression that was fixated on Jisu’s mother.

“Do you have any clue where she could be? Friends or family nearby?” You asked, looking at Mrs. Lee again. She just shook her head.

“Seok Jo doesn’t answer his phone and I know he might be sleeping because he worked late yesterday, but I don’t want to leave the house in case she comes back. My husband already started driving to our family to look for her there. But…”

We need to do something. We can’t just wait and see what happens.

“We can go and look for her at Seok Jo’s place.” Hoseok suddenly said, making your eyes draw to him in surprise, but your expression changed quickly to thankfulness. Looking back at Mrs. Lee you nodded at her.

“We just need his address and we’ll handle it.” You added, and Mrs. Lee hugged you both before she went inside to get the address.

You were restless. This case was getting so complicated, and you just felt like there was something horribly wrong with it. Your eyes drifted to Hoseok who was driving with his eyes forward looking all tense himself.

There must’ve been a mistake at the office. It can’t be anything else. I just don’t know what else could cause such a mess. This all just doesn’t make sense! Should I tell him my doubts? What will he think of me once I tell him? He will hate me for sure. But if I don’t tell him and it really was a mistake the office made; he’ll hate me for not telling him my doubts. What should I do? What-

“You okay?” Hoseok suddenly asked with his eyes on you for a second. You didn’t even notice how long you stared at him, eyes full of worry.

“Actually, no.” your eyes darted away dancing around the area. “I’m not okay. I feel like I’m getting sick to be honest.” Heartbeat increasing with every second, you felt a panic attack growing inside of you. Hands sweaty, breathing shallow, and your mind all hazy you lost yourself in all the doubts and self-destroying thoughts in your mind.

“Y/N?” You could feel Hoseok’s hand on yours, his voice full of worry, but it seemed all so far away like you were underwater.

“Please stop the car!” Was the only thing you were able to get out of your mouth, and he did exactly that, immediately stopping on a country road in the middle of two fields. You fidgeted with the door of the car struggling to get it open in your state since it wasn’t like your own car. You heard a loud bang, and a second later, Hoseok was on your side of the car opening the door and getting you out. He sat you down on the grass next to the road and crouched right in front of you.

“Y/N. Y/N, look at me.” He told you with a calm voice, still holding your hand with one hand, and using the other to direct your head so you looked at him. “Copy me. Breath in. Hold your breath. Good. 3… 2… 1… breath out. Now repeat with me.”

You copied his breathing and listened to every instruction he gave you. Slowly, your heartbeat was decreasing again, palms becoming dry, and head coming back out of its hazy state.

“You’re doing great. Just a few more times.” You just now noticed that his hand holding onto yours was checking your pulse while doing the exercise. “Okay. You’re okay. I’m here.” This was the moment you broke. Your arms swung around his neck, hugging him tightly, and he hugged you back, immediately dropping his knees to the ground to not fall over with you. His hand started stroking the back of your head comfortingly while you started sobbing silently.

You let go of him after a while, wiping away your tears which he helped you with by gently rubbing a tissue under your eyes. His eyes were full of warmth and comfort when you looked at them, which had you laughing a little, still affected by the panic attack you just had though.

“Don’t look at me like I’m a poor lost puppy you just found.” You joked a little, shoving against his shoulder gently. You felt exhausted from the panic attack, but not as bad as usual when you had to take the meds to get it away.

“Oh, you’re not?” He grinned, making you hit him against his chest a few times. “Ouch, ouch, ouch, sorry I take it back! I surrender!” He declared with his hands held high. Once you smiled at him and declared peace, he got up and held out his hands for you.

“Come on. We should talk to Seok Jo. And don’t worry, we’re going to find Jisu. You’ll be alright and back at your office in no time. So, just trust me. We’ll find my Only.” He smiled comfortingly while pulling you up on your legs.

“Yea, uhm well you see that’s exactly it. I think-“ Your sentence was interrupted by a loud honk making you both look in the direction you came from. A large tractor was standing there waiting for you to get driving since he couldn’t get past you. You both apologized to him and got in the car before anythingelse could be said.

“So… do you get these panic attacks often?” he asked carefully, trying to not touch a sensitive topic. You laughed a little.

“Smooth. But yea I do get them sometimes.”

“How come? If I may ask.”

“It’s okay. I’ve been struggling with social anxiety for a while now. It started in high school because of a whole lot of ugly bullying – don’t want to get into detail with that right now – but now I also get affected by stress. If I feel overwhelmed or socially pressured, I get them. It’s really annoying and frustrating but I can’t change it.”

“Socially pressured? How so?” he asked in the most careful and sensitive voice he could.

“Well, for example last time at dance practice. My best friend fell and hurt herself and everyone said I pushed her – which I didn’t. They were angry because I got the front position in our first formation in the choreography. And I just couldn’t handle all the blaming so I ran out and yea…”

“That sounds really mean. Why would they do that? If I would’ve been there with you, I would’ve told them off for good! They would never even dare to do that again to you!” Hoseok got angrier and angrier, explaining how he would’ve dealt with them if he would’ve been there which made you laugh at some point.

I’ve never told this to anyone except for very close family and friends. It’s way too easy to talk to Hoseok. I feel so at ease with him.

The door swung open after an eternity of ringing the bell.

“Mrs. Song, if it’s because of the apple tree I was going to cut it later toda- Who are you?” A very sleepy looking young man stood in front of you two, eyes closed when he opened the door and still dressed in pjs and a dressing gown.

“Sorry that we woke you up. Are you Seok Jo?” You asked politely, and the man in front of you nodded still suspicious. “You see, I’m Y/N Y/L/N from the O3 office. This is Jung Hoseok. He is listed as the Only of Miss Lee Jisu.”

This made the attitude of the guy in front of you change completely. Before you could even react, he had Hoseok grabbed at his collar, even lifting him up from the ground a little.

“So, you are the asshole that tries to steal away my Jisu? Let me tell you this. I WON’T let some townie like you just walk in here and take what belongs to me! Jisu is MY fiancé and I won’t accept this stupid agreement made by some company!” he yelled at Hoseok who just held onto the wrists of Seok Jo to keep himself in control somehow. You stepped in between them, quickly pushing Seok Jo away gently which he complied to letting go of Hoseok in the process.

“Please, Mr. Seok Jo! We’re not here because of the O3 agreement. We came here to find Jisu.” You explained quickly which again made him change his attitude.

“Find Jisu? What do you mean by that?”

“She ran away. Her mother said that she forced her into meeting with Hoseok – I mean – Mr. Jung and it seems like she is not pleased by the idea of being with her Only too much. We don’t want to force her into anything she doesn’t want. We’re not monsters, we just want people to be happy with each other. So, can you help us find her? I think something went terribly wrong here, and we need to fix this.” You could feel Hoseok’s piercing glance at you when you said the last sentence.

“O-Of course. Let me just get my shoes and keys and I’ll be right with you.” Seok Jo said rushed while stumbling back inside to put on his shoes, hitting himself on a shoe cabinet cursing in the process.

“You know.” Hoseok suddenly started speaking. “They really fit together.”

You looked at him trying to figure out what he was thinking while he said that, but since you didn’t get a big impression of Jisu you decided to trust his judgement and throw away your doubts.

A few hours of driving to every place Seok Jo thought Jisu could be passed, and to be honest, the whole situation was looking rather bleak. You took a short break to grab something to eat, stopping at one of the few convenience stores nearby.

“Where could she be..?” You mumbled while taking a bite from your sandwich.

“Is there really no other place you guys liked to go? If I was in her shoes, I would want to go somewhere only my love knows. A place with a big meaning to us.” Hoseok said bluntly while looking at his reflection in the window of the convenience store. Hearing a silent thud next to you, your eyes went to Seok Jo who just let his sandwich slide through his fingers.

“I think I know where she is.” He suddenly said, and you immediately grabbed your keys taking the sandwich with you to finish on the way instead.

“Then let’s go! It’s already getting really dark.” You declared, and the two of them just nodded and jogged out to the car. It was an hour-long drive to a far-off part of the beach in Busan. You had to leave the village where they lived and drive through the whole town before you found it. Without Seok Jo with you, you would’ve never found the way there. You parked the car and searched in the trunk for a few emergency flashlights. You gave each of them one and took one for yourself too.

“Okay, I’m not sure in which direction she could be so I’m going to walk along this side and you guys take the other one. If any of us finds her we call immediately, okay?” Seok Jo explained turning on his flashlight to search for Jisu at this pitch-black beach. You both nodded before parting ways with Seok Jo. You were grateful that Hoseok was staying with you since you didn’t like the dark at all. Although you couldn’t deny that the stars out here were really stunning.

“Jisu! Jisu are you here! Please answer if you hear us!” you called out every few steps just as Hoseok did too. You were searching for an hour already when it suddenly started pouring down.

“Shit! Let’s go find something to take cover.” Hoseok called out to you.

You started running to try and find some space free from rain when you found a small wooden cabin standing open at the back of the beach. It was just a storage space for the life guards but it didn’t seem like it was used often. You ran inside to get out of the rain already completely wet. Groaning in frustration and desperation, you leaned yourself on an old wooden broken desk that looked like it stood in an office at some point.

“This is hopeless!” you called out. “We’re never gonna find her. Especially not in a city we barely know.”

“Calm down, Y/N. It’s going to be fine. We’re going to find her and-“

“And what? Make you and her be together? Or make Seok Jo and her be accepted by her mother? Both seem impossible to me at the moment and do you know what that means? It means that I failed. My Office failed for the first time and this will kill our reputation. How are we going to explain that? This is our ruin!”

“It won’t be your ruin! It’s just one case that was wrong. ONE of how many?” Hoseok asked you, smiling a little while holding onto your shoulders gently. You let yourself slide down the desk until you were sitting on the floor, arms around your legs and back against the desk. He sat down beside you, sliding one arm around your shoulder comfortingly.

“4.376.938….” you mumbled quietly.

“See, it won’t ruin the office. And you can find the mistake and repair it so this won’t be happening again.” Hoseok was stroking your arm with his hand, and you just nodded at him.

“Yes, I’m just so sorry you have to go through all this trouble. And that Jisu is somewhere out there just because we made a mistake, in this rain, alone at that! I just- ugh” you tried hiding your face in your hands, but he wouldn’t let you, making you face him instead.

“Hey, it’s not your fault. Don’t go blaming yourself for this. And I actually like this trouble. Well, as long as I’m in trouble with you.” Your eyes softened just as his when he said that.

I don’t know anyone I would like to be in trouble with more than him.

And there it was. The moment you knew was going to happen as soon as your eyes met his for the first time. The moment you’ve been trying to avoid at all cost. He was leaning towards you, and within a mere second his lips were on yours, gently and feeling like it lasted only a few seconds. You both savored these few seconds like they were the only ones you ever had together. Opening your eyes slowly at the same time, your eyes met again. His hand wandered into your hair wanting to pull you in for another kiss when you suddenly heard a noise from the back of the cabin. Both of you turned your head towards it when you saw a figure opening the door of a room behind you. Grabbing your flashlight quickly you pointed it in the direction.

“Who’s there??” Hoseok asked, trying to seem intimidating if it was someone dangerous. But it wasn’t anyone like that.

“Jisu?” you asked quickly getting up and running over to her.

“Miss Y/L/N.” Jisu looked at you surprised. She was limping a little holding onto the doorframe and reaching out to you when you came near. You immediately held onto her to keep her steady.

“What happened to your leg? Come on, sit down.” You helped her over to the desk together with Hoseok who lifted her up on it to sit. While he checked on her leg you took out your phone ready to call Seok Jo.

“How did you find me?” Jisu asked while wincing when Hoseok found the spot that hurt.

“Seok Jo showed us. He searched with us all day to find you.” Hoseok explained while you called Seok Jo.

“Seok Jo? Is he here too?” Jisus eyes were glistening with hope and worry at the same time when she heard his name.

“He’s on his way.” You replied to her smiling after you hung up the call. “God, I’m so glad that we found you.” A hand spread on your shoulder squeezing it comfortingly.

“I am too.” Hoseok said standing to your left behind you. Jisu looked at you both with a look you couldn’t quite understand before she started smiling a little.

She seems happier than I thought about this situation. I thought she would try to escape from us again.

Seok Jo came running over to the cabin as soon as you told him that you found her. With his pjs and dressing gown completely soaked he stormed in the cabin. When he saw Jisu he immediately went to her and hugged her tightly. Tears were forming in his eyes while he continued to lecture her to never do that again.

“I just didn’t know what to do. Mr. Jung and I just don’t fit and I know that he felt that way just like I did. The only one I love is you. I’m really sorry, Miss Y/L/N, but Seok Jo is my Only no matter what everyone else wants to tell me. I’m convinced of that!” Jisu stated, trying her best to be brave and make her standpoint clear.

“Don’t worry, Jisu. I’ve already told Hoseok that I think something went wrong in the office. I’m going to go back and investigate the matter before telling you what really happened. I’m convinced too now that you and Hoseok just aren’t partners. I mean, I’ve been in this business for quite a while and when I look at you and Seok Jo I see the same as when my clients meet usually. So, how about we go back to your mother and explain the whole situation to her? I’m sure she’s still awake.” You explained, and could visibly see them both relax and exchange looks in between.  

“Oh god, my mother! She will kill me.” Jisu said suddenly, with her face full of worry. You all just had to laugh at that, trying to convince her that her mother will just be happy having her back home. After this, you made your way back to the car once the rain wasn’t too heavy anymore. Seok Jo was carrying his fiancé all the way like a princess which made you realize just how strong he must be from all the farm work he was doing. The two of them talked quietly with each other the whole way, walking in front of you since you didn’t know the way back to the car anymore. Hoseok was walking right next to you and at some point his hand found yours holding onto it softly. Your heart started beating faster, and again, it was like electricity was running through your whole body. You looked at him even though you could barely make out the silhouette of his face in the darkness.

No, this isn’t right. Even if he might not be Jisu’s Only, he will be someone else’s at some point. I can’t just toss all of my principles out of the window. I don’t want to go back to failed relationships anymore. As long as the computer won’t spit out who my Only is, I’ll be alone. Once I’m back at the office I’ll fix his case, and will have to make him meet up with his real Only. I can’t handle this.

Pulling your hand away softly, you took a small step to the side to bring some space in-between you. You held onto your hand in front of your chest while picking up the pace back to the car. Seok Jo and Jisu sat on the back seat, leaning onto each other, sleeping soundly. You looked back, smiling a little while putting a blanket on top of them. Hoseok was driving you guys back through the night of Busan, looking at you every now and then. He seemed like he had something on the tip of his tongue that he was dying to talk about, but something held him back. You tried to avoid his gaze as much as possible, but you felt his stare on you every time.

Once you arrived at Jisu’s home, her mother was so happy to have her back she even forgot to be angry about it. Both of them kept apologizing to each other, starting to take the blame for everything. You felt terrible for everything that happened, and stepped up to clear up the matter at hand. After you explained the whole thing again to Jisus mother, just like you did to them, she was angry for a short time, but quickly gave into Jisu’s and Seok Jo’s request to not blame you because it wasn’t your fault, but the systems. After a short discussion on how to proceed further, you and Hoseok finally made your way back to the hotel.

Both of you quietly went into your rooms, and you felt the awkward and tense atmosphere in the whole suite. After you both took a hot bath to warm yourselves up, you went out of your room to get something to drink. You noticed music playing in the living room and curiosity got the best of you. Hoseok was standing at the window with the back to you holding a glass of water in his hand just like you did. Instead of his usual hip hop playlist he was listening to a playlist filled with almost sad sounding music. The song playing that moment – Charlie Puths “Dangerously” – was on one of your playlists too because you related to the lyrics too much. You thought it was ironically fitting to your current situation as well.

“Hoseok?” He flinched a little at the sound of your voice over the music. Turning around, he walked up to you with a smile on his lips that wasn’t quite going to his eyes anymore. He put down your glass and his at the side before taking your hand playfully to make you dance with him.

“May I have this dance?” He asked, although you could see the worry in his eyes. You should’ve rejected him, but you wanted to do it so badly. Swaying with him while one song changed to another felt like heaven to you. It felt so right to be here with him, and you couldn’t help but laugh when he led you into crazy looking spins. He made you lean far back while supporting your lower back just to pull you back. Your forehead almost touched his when you came back up, both of you laughing a little. That was the moment your little dream bubble burst again. His hand went into your hair wanting to pull you in gently, but you pulled away.

“Please, don’t.” you said with your eyes down. A sigh left his mouth before he let go of you completely. He seemed angry, and you felt a sting in your heart when your eyes found his figure again.

“What did I do wrong? Did I do something, or say something that made you hate me all of a sudden? I thought… I thought you liked it too. I thought you liked me.” Hoseok asked you with desperation in his eyes that made your heart break.

“I do! I did. I mean… “ You sighed deeply. “Hoseok, I’m your Implementer. I’m a worker for the office that is supposed to find your perfect partner, and I’m not your perfect partner.”

“But what if you are? You said the system made a mistake so what if you are my real Only?” He took a small step closer to you again.

“That’s impossible. If I was your Only I would’ve gotten a notification all system problems aside. My name would’ve popped up somewhere and someone would’ve noticed.”

“Okay, then so what if you’re not?” He took your hands. “I want to be together with you and no one else!”

“But the computer-“

“To hell with the computer!” He suddenly screamed, making you pull your hands away from him and step back. ���I-I’m sorry I didn’t want to raise my voice like that, but not everything is decided with logic, Y/N. In some moments, you just have to listen to your heart no matter how cheesy that may sound. My gut just tells me that you’re the one for me.” He took one of your hands again, but you pulled it away.

“You don’t understand this. This system is here to keep us from always trying and failing to find love. Even if we like each other now maybe in a few years we’ll hate each other, and I just can’t go through this anymore. It’s too painful!” You took a few steps back while talking.

“Y/N, please, I won’t hurt you. I could never hate you!”

“Everyone says that!”

“But I’m not everyone!”

“Who are you then, huh?!”

“I’m Jung Hoseok, and I’ve never fallen for anyone as hard as I did for you, and I know you did too!! Can you please stop denying it?!” You both were yelling at each other now.

“You can’t force me!! Just leave me alone!!!” You screamed at him, completely overwhelmed with this situation because of course he was right. You’ve never loved someone as much as you loved him, but you’ve been trusting the system and only the system for so many years that you couldn’t bring yourself to just trust your gut. You turned around and ran into your room. You just needed to get away from this situation, or else your feelings would overpower you.

“Y/N! Please, I’m sorry for yelling!” He was standing on the other side of your door. Tears started streaming down your face while you slid down the door until you sat on the ground.

“Just go away, please…” You sobbed and within seconds it was quiet. You heard his footsteps walk away from you, and you didn’t hear them come near you again for the whole night.

The next day you drove back to Seoul by yourself. Hoseok left without you in the morning, only leaving behind a small note and a bracelet that looked like the ones they sold at the village market you went by a few days earlier. You sighed, putting on the bracelet anyways since it was the only way to decrease the yearning for him in your heart a little.

A few days passed by, and you were back in your daily life working until late at night. Not having heard from Hoseok, nor having the courage to call him, you walked around like a heartbroken zombie. Even Namjoon noticed something was wrong with you when you went out for lunch together, but he didn’t ask too many questions about it which made you seek his company a lot more lately.

You were still investigating in the Jisu and Hoseok case, and everyone was informed by now that something went wrong there. Suddenly, a week after your return, your phone started ringing.

“Hey, Y/N, it’s SeokJin, could you come to the Finder department in half an hour? It’s about the Jung Hoseok case.” You heard SeokJin’s voice at the other end of the line. Your heartbeat increased immediately when you heard Hoseok’s name making you play with your bracelet.

“Have you found out what happened??” You asked while getting up immediately.

“Yes. We want to talk to you in person about this matter though. Can you come over then?”

“Sure!” You hung up before he could say anything more, and ignored the request to come in half an hour, too restless to wait even another second for the results. You rushed to the Finders department just to find the door of SeokJin’s office opened by a small gap. But you didn’t even need that gap to hear SeokJin yelling angrily at someone.

“What were you thinking?? Hacking yourself into the system just to exchange the names on the paper. Have you gone insane?! Do you know how much damage you could’ve done with this?? What is your damn reason?!”

“I don’t know… When I saw her name there I just- I didn’t think anymore. I blacked out. I didn’t want her to have an Only already…” You knew this voice, but you couldn’t believe what you heard there. You heard SeokJin sigh deeply, and when he spoke this time his voice was quieter.

“Look. Everyone knows how you feel about Y/N, but that doesn’t justify your actions. You exchanged her name for Lee Jisu who was actually partnered with her fiancé of two years. You could’ve destroyed four lives with your selfish actions, and I want you to apologize to everyone and make it right. Am I making myself clear? Just because you’re the grandson of our system developer I can’t go easy on you. This will have consequences even if you confessed yourself.” After hearing all this, your feet moved by itself taking you inside the room. SeokJin’s shocked eyes landed on you immediately followed by the culprits.

“Namjoon…you… you changed it?” His eyes darted down to the floor. He didn’t dare to look up while confirming everything. “H-Hoseok is my Only. And you knew? You erased my name and made me feel like I was crazy for doubting the computer?”

“Y-Y/N I’m so sorry. I just panicked when I saw your name there. I-I know I don’t have a chance with you, but this made it so final I just couldn’t handle it.” Namjoon explained, shaking. He seemed like a wreck, and you just couldn’t stay too angry at him. You took a deep breath to keep yourself composed.

“Is-“ you looked at SeokJin with eyes full of hope. “Is Hoseok really my Only?” SeokJin just smiled apologetically and nodded. You took in a deep breath, walked up to Namjoon and looked into his eyes. “I can’t forgive you right now. But I understand your motives, and I’m not angry at you. Just don’t force me to forgive you right now. I don’t have the strength for that yet. And honestly if I can’t fix this with Hoseok then I don’t know if I want to talk to you again. Now if you excuse me, I need to find my Only.” You turned away, but hesitated for one second turning to Namjoon one more time to give him one punch right in the stomach. He hunched over holding his stomach and started coughing just to laugh a second later.

“Okay yea I deserved that.” He simply said, while smiling in pain up at you which made your mouth corner twitch up for a second too. Next moment you were already rushing out as fast as possible calling Hoseok’s number every few minutes but he didn’t pick up. Figuring that he’s at dance practice you drove to the studio building only to be stopped at the entrance by two men and the receptionist of the front desk.

“I’m sorry but I need to see Jung Hoseok. Is he here? It’s really important!” you explained to her but she just looked at you apologetically.

“I have the instructions not to let anyone upstairs today. I’m really sorry Miss.”

“Can I at least leave a message for him? Please.” You pleaded, and although she looked a little reluctant at first, she took your message for Hoseok which you quickly wrote down on the page of this week from your work calendar and teared it out to give it to her. You hoped Hoseok would call you once he read it.

It was the same day, but later when you were on your way to dance practice. It was the first dance practice for you since your best friend got injured, and you were terrified of going inside and facing all of these people in there. You took a deep breath and with all your courage you made your way inside. You took a place in the back, too afraid of standing in front of everyone. The others were already whispering about you, and you felt your anxiety rise more and more. When the teacher came in you were a little bit relieved, but your anxiety showed in your dancing. He was very unsatisfied with you, and you were about to go out when suddenly a knock was heard on the door.

“I’m sorry I’m late but could I join your dance class for today? I’ll pay, I promise.” You couldn’t believe your eyes. It was Hoseok still in his full dance gear with his mask on looking just like he always did in his dance videos and it wasn’t just him.

“What do you mean ‘could I’ it should be ‘could we’!” You heard one of the younger ones of Hoseok’s dance team complain.

“And I told you guys to go home.” Hoseok complained while everyone came inside.

“How did you-“ You started, but he just fanned himself with your calendar page – where you also wrote down every practice and the addresses with it – winking at you.

Wow, I was unintentionally smart.

“Oh, that’s actually great. If all of you guys want to join in, we could try a partner dance today! Just go and get yourself a partner.” your instructor called out happily. He seemed thrilled to have some boys in his class for a change. Hoseok immediately took his place next to you. All the girls stared at you two and whispered his name over and over not able to believe it was the J-hope in front of them but you couldn’t care less. All that mattered was that he stood right in front of you right now.

“I’ve got my partner already.” Hoseok grinned while sliding off his mask.

“Not just partner. Your One and Only.” With your words Hoseok’s grin became even wider. He couldn’t help himself, and just hugged you tightly which you returned immediately.

“I knew it from the beginning!” He told you, sticking out his tongue at you like a child.

“I know, I know.” You rolled your eyes at him. “You’re never going to let me forget that, huh?”

“Well, at least now you know that you should always trust in my gut. It’s always right.” He grinned down at you. You both were interrupted by your teacher clearing his throat.

“Are you guys done? Now is dance class time. You have enough time to be all lovey-dovey later.” Your teacher nagged at you, but you could see that he wasn’t too serious about it.

“Yes, sir!” Hoseok replied and then leaned to whisper in your ear. “The rest of our lives should be enough time, right?” Normally you would freak at the thought of such a large commitment, but it just felt right this time. A big grin spread on your face before you replied.

“Barely.”

Masterlist

a/n: I hope you liked this quite long OS! It’s the longest one I’ve written on Tumblr so far and I was really nervous to upload it since a lot of work went into it. Share your thoughts with me if you want to! Every interaction no matter if it’s a like or a comment makes me want to keep going and reminds me of how much I love to write. Doesn’t matter how long of a pause was in between I’ll always come back because of the lovely people reminding me that I love to write <3 thank you all for reading!

[loquaciousquark]

Hey, all, I’m probably not going to be around much for a few months aside from queues & TM posts.

Work stress has taken over my life in a way it never has before. A very long story short, my closest coworker (both friend-wise and workload-wise) took another job that began at the end of April. While she knew from November she was going to take this job, she did not inform administration until the very final contractual required moment of 30 days out. This means there has been no chance for admin to be looking for long-term qualified candidates to replace her position, since to get hired on at the school even on a temporary faculty basis takes about six-eight weeks.

(She told me about this job in November, but made me promise at the time not to tell anyone because she was going to tell them soon. Then, as schedules were being planned out for this summer and her time was being allotted under the assumption she would be there, she deliberately said nothing and made me answer the emails so she wouldn’t be “lying.” I have known this hell has been coming for me for five months and haven’t been able to do anything about it because I gave her my word.)

In addition, while not her fault, three other administrative support employees and two other faculty members have left/will be leaving in less than a month as well. One employee’s family member died unexpectedly, one employee was grossly incompetent (although I can’t remember the last time we actually fired someone for that), and the other faculty members are leaving for really good jobs elsewhere. Just very unfortunate timing that means we are all spread excruciatingly thin for now.

This all comes at a time where I am actively beginning that Service Director position for the primary care clinic on top of everything else. This position, while I think a great fit for me, what else I teach in the school, and how I plan/organize/relate to the students, has come at a terrible time because it in and of itself is a massive amount of work, especially getting it off the ground. If I’m going to implement all these new policies and changes I’ve been dreaming of for years, I need to do it at the beginning of my tenure--to try and keep everything going the way it has been and change later once everything calms down would be infinitely more work at that time & have a bunch more pushback from both the students and the faculty I now lead as part of this clinic, many of which have decades of seniority on me.

I’m doing the work of two-and-a-half full-time faculty right now. I do still really love this job, but right now I can’t handle it.

I’m grinding my teeth at night and clenching my jaw during the day. My dentist suddenly wants me to get a bite plate when before a few months ago, I’d never ground my teeth in my life. I’m getting excruciating stress/tension headaches almost every other day from how tight every muscle of my face and neck is. I’ve gained over ten pounds in the last two months from eating like crap because anything that requires more than two steps of prep is mentally, physically, and emotionally impossible, which has the added effect of making me want to cry every time I look in a mirror and see my stomach so far away from my mental “normal,” because I was already seven pounds or so more than I wanted to be. I’m only getting three or four hours of sleep a night despite melatonin because my mind is just reciting checklist after checklist of things I need to do to keep all my sudden responsibilities on track.

I saw my psychiatrist today (which in and of itself was overwhelming--I thought until I was leaving for the appointment that today was my annual physical, and it wasn’t until I was checking the auto-filled address that I realized it was in the wrong building for that. Turns out I’d independently scheduled both the psych follow-up & the physical within a few days of each other, and I’d missed the text appointment reminders for the physical because the psych ones were more recent. I have never straight up no-showed an appointment in my life before this.)

I only had about thirty minutes with her, but part of the problem is that I haven’t taken my meds regularly in over a month because even such a little thing was too difficult. I’m going to try to start back on that, but...

I told her it doesn’t feel like I’m trying to keep plates spinning in the air. It feels like I have them all under control at the moment, they’re just excruciatingly heavy. The only way I’ve been handling this sudden pressure of doing basically two and a half jobs with no margin for error in any of them is being ruthlessly, relentlessly organized. Which is fine, except that I can feel how that changes my personality when I have to go so hard and regimented, and I hate how it feels to have both no margin and no grace.

I had a student the other day email me about a flight she booked for a Memorial Day vacation at 6pm on a Friday, not thinking about how clinic does not always end on the dot at 5pm. We (both students and faculty) are required to stay until the patient’s exam is complete. Sometimes that’s at five. Sometimes that’s at 6:30. On rare occasions I’ve stayed until 9pm in clinical care because that’s what was needed at the time for that patient.

She wanted to get out of clinic with an excused absence. We require three weeks’ minimum notice because when a student leaves without coverage, we have to reschedule all the patients they were meant to see. Her schedule was fully booked, and I had to say no, because right now I have nothing left to try to find an alternative for her. I hate saying no to students, especially when it’s something I truly could help them solve with some investment on my part, but right now--I’m sorry, but I can’t. Why on earth did you schedule a flight for 6pm on a day you have clinic until 5, especially when the airport is a 20-minute drive from the school even without traffic? I can’t fix this for you, not right now. You have to show up to clinic or find your own coverage. I don’t care how you do it, but someone has to be there, and I don’t have anything left in me to help you figure out how to do it.

My mom listens to a guy who sometimes talks about how you have to have a margin in your life to manage your stress. A margin in your work helps you enjoy your leisure time; if you don’t have that margin, even scheduled play feels stressful because you have work playing through your head the whole time.

I’m out of margin. I’m ten feet over the line in every direction I’m so out of margin, and I am constantly being asked by students and other faculty, “How are you doing now that the person who you shared 90% of your work life with is gone? Who’s going to help take over [year-long highly-intensive Methods course] now that Dr. So-and-So is gone? Who’s going to help you teach it since we all know what a gigantic course it is and how it’s always required two people to run full-time, and now you’re down to one who’s also taken on a bunch of other responsibilities at the exact same time?”

and they’re laughing when they say it. and i’m laughing when i tell them the truth, which is “no one.” and we all laugh together and inside my head i am ripping apart under the pressure.

Even if they hire someone by August, it’s not going to mean any relief until September due to onboarding, and even then it won’t be what I really need. This woman I worked with and I had both taught this course together for years, and before that we’d both taken it as students. We knew how it ran inside and out. We knew what the responsibilities were. We had the workload divided evenly and didn’t have to consult over every decision that was made--it just got done. Even if they do hire someone at lightning speed, I still have to train them. I have to show them where the group drive is on the faculty intranet. I have to teach them how it’s organized. I have to show them how to upload quizzes and how to grade them and how to edit the Excel practical documents and the timeframe we expect the grades back and why our grading standards are the way they are and what to say to guest graders and guest lab instructors and show them where the file folders are kept and where the .docx’s are kept and the way things are sorted and how the tests are written and how to extensively edit a PDF file and give them the contact information for faculty IT support (which still ends up being me half the time) and the manual printer and the woman who orders office supplies and the woman who orders clinical equipment and the man who orders building maintenance supplies and when you go to one and not the other and how electronic testing works and how to grade it and how to upload a document with all the specific little requirements the program wants to make sure it imports correctly and how to deal with the errors this program will inevitably throw back because it’s niche software for a niche school and that means it’ll never be user friendly.

It took me almost two years to really feel comfortable being co-coursemaster for this course because it is so unbelievably massive. Even if they hire someone by August, I still won’t have a full-time coursemaster pulling their weight until 2021.

The other metaphor I used with my psychiatrist is that I’m holding on to a cliff’s edge with my fingertips. Right now, I’ve got a pretty decent grip, but that doesn’t change the fact that if you put another pound on my back it might pull me right off the rock.

I don’t see practical relief coming any time soon. “What can we do to help? We want you to know you are very supported right now. You let us know what you need.” What can you do? Hire someone tomorrow who already knows how our computer system works, who can troubleshoot their own IT, who can look at a list of tasks that need to happen to get this Methods course fully ready every single semester of every single year and do them without any handholding from me. Hire someone with as much attention to detail as I’ve had to have because it’s the right way to do the damn job. Hire someone I won’t have to clean up after because to them “the cart in the closet” is the same thing as “the specific place on the labeled closet shelf where the equipment belongs.”

I’m clenching my teeth so hard they’re hurting, so I guess I have to stop. If you see me in-game somewhere, believe me, it’s not because I’ve caught up. It’s because I haven’t and I can’t bear thinking about how much I still have to do.

[ketosolution89-blog]

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[scourgewins]

How It All Began...

(Okay, sorry I don’t post nearly as much as the Drawing Entity does. I’ve got four fanfictions I’m working on at the moment, including the Mafia AU one. Bear with me, folks. This particular piece is about how Sammy came to be hired at Joey Drew Studios, and is, again, not related to Mafia. There is a fight scene later on, and a bit of blood, but nothing too gory, in case anyone’s bothered by that.)

Gosh, this place is huge, Henry thought to himself as he exited his car, a pack of art implements slung over his shoulder. The young animator stared up at the massive studio, which he would now be working at, his brown eyes wide with wonder, taking it all in. It all seemed like a dream. Ever since he’d met Joey when they were teenagers, he had always talked about how he would own a cartoon studio one day, one that would become renowned worldwide. Henry wasn’t sure about the latter bit, but the former had come true; he and Joey had started a cartoon company, and today was day one in the long journey ahead.

The door to the studio swung open, and Henry watched as Joey stepped out, grinning as he caught sight of him.

“Well, Henry,” he said, “What do you think?”

“It’s amazing, Joey.” said Henry, feeling a wide smile spread across his face, “How did you afford something this big? Even with the money I donated, we couldn’t have been able to buy this.”

“Oh, I just asked my parents for some cash, to add to the loan. I had to be a bit vague on the details of why I needed it, but it all worked out.”

Henry frowned, “You mean you lied to your parents?”

“Lie is such a strong word…” Joey said, “I merely kept some information from them. Now, are you just going to stand there gawking, or do you want to go inside?”

Excitement at stepping into the studio he’d helped to found drove the doubt from Henry’s mind, and he followed Joey inside.

The place looked a bit worse for wear. There were some loose floorboards that creaked worryingly, seeing as how if they broke one would fall into the downstairs area below. Joey assured Henry he’d get them fixed as soon as the studio was up and running. There were cobwebs everywhere, and as soon as Joey switched on the light, Henry swore he saw a mass of insects crawl away. Henry glanced at his friend skeptically, and Joey responded with a slight shrug, then led the way to a space next to the entrance. In it was a drawing desk, and a chair. It was very simple, but Henry found it one of the most beautiful things he’d ever seen, for as Joey gestured to it, he stated, “This is your space.”

Henry gazed in wonder for a second more, then seated himself at the desk. He could just picture himself drawing here. Joey smiled at Henry, then briskly turned away.

“Alright,” he said, “We have to get down to business. We have to hire animators, repairmen, musicians, voice actors, projectionists, everyone we’ll need to get this company up and running.”

“But, Joey,” Henry began, frowning, “We haven’t even moved in yet. Shouldn’t we wait to hire people until we’ve gotten all of our equipment in here?”

“All of that will come in due time, don’t worry.”

Henry’s frown deepened, but he didn’t argue; when it came to business matters, Joey usually knew what to do. “Okay, so what’s our first move?”

Joey smiled, “We call upon an old friend.”

Twenty minutes later, Henry and Joey found themselves in front of a dilapidated apartment building. It was two stories high, and one of the windows in the first story had a sizable hole in it. Again, Henry wondered who it was they were meeting. I hope Joey isn’t about to hire a ruffian. Joey had refused to answer any of Henry’s question during the drive there, seeming to enjoy his suspense. Henry decided he should ask again.

“Joey, would you please tell me who we’re going to see?”

His friend glanced at him for a second, then proceeded to march into the building, “Someone who will make our cartoons one of a kind.”

Henry hurried after him, “That doesn’t fully answer my question…”

Joey swiftly ascended the staircase, with Henry following nervously behind. The inside of the building was as rundown as the outside, and Henry couldn’t help but feel wary. The whole place seemed quite shady. A few people walked past them, giving them suspicious glares, which didn’t help. Henry felt his muscles tense instinctually, ready for action. Joey, for his part, seemed quite relaxed and confident, and as they reached the upper floor, turned swiftly left and halted at the first door they came to, giving it a sharp knock.

At first, no noise was heard, then there was a slight shuffling sort of sound, as if someone were looking for something. Quiet ensued following this, and Henry glanced at Joey, who was waiting patiently for the door to open. Eventually it did, but in a rather unexpected manner.

The door flew open, to reveal a man around Henry and Joey’s age, wearing clothes that probably had not been washed in a while. He had long, tousled blonde hair, and eyes that were strikingly blue, and blazed with hostility. Henry didn’t take in any of these traits at first, though, for his main focus was on the wooden bat the man held in a two-handed grip.

The door had been open barely a second before the man exclaimed, “Listen, pal, I don’t want any trouble, now why don’t you just-” He had raised his bat while he spoke, and Henry found his right fist clenching, and before anyone could do anything, he had landed a solid blow to the shocked man’s jaw. The man reeled backwards, his entire face slack, and fell down in a dead faint onto the floor.

For a moment, Henry and Joey just stood in silence, then Joey gripped Henry by the arm and dragged him into the unconscious man’s room, slamming the door behind them, and locking it for good measure. Turning to Henry, Joey eyed his friend crossly.

“Why the heck did you punch him?”

Henry, in his turn, grew angry, “He was about to hit us with a bat! What was I supposed to do?”

“You were supposed to let me handle it. He wouldn’t have hit us if you’d given him time to recognize me.”

“Well, I’m sorry. Next time I’ll just wait patiently as someone raises a bat, to see if they know you.” Henry replied, sarcastically.

“Thank you!” Joey returned. Henry glared, but decided not to engage any further. Instead, he looked back at the disheveled man, still out cold.

“Help me get him to his bed.” Together, Henry and Joey lifted him up, and plopped him down on the bed, placing a pillow beneath his head. As they did so, Henry took the time to examine the man’s room. There was nothing remarkable about it, except for the large amount of musical instruments strewn about the place. There was a bass in a corner, a banjo resting by the bed, a clarinet on a shelf, and a harmonica lying on a desk littered with sheet music. Henry glanced at Joey.

“So we’re hiring a musician?”

Joey nodded, a smile spreading over his face, “We’ll be one of the first cartoons to include music! And on top of that, we have a master musician to compose it!” Joey gestured to the man on the bed, who was now drooling a little. Henry looked at Joey skeptically.

“Well, I don’t think he’ll want to work for us, now.”

“Baloney!” Joey declared, “Once we’ve explained everything to him all will be forgiven and he’ll be thrilled to take our offer.”

Henry doubted this would all work out as smoothly as Joey hoped, but decided they’d deal with the matter once the man woke up.

“What’s his name, anyway?” he asked.

“Oh, his name’s Sammy, Sammy Lawrence.”

The name didn’t ring any bells, so Henry asked Joey how he knew him. His friend explained how the two of them had met in college, and how impressed he had been with Sammy’s music skills.

“He knows how to play most every instrument you can think of, and could probably learn how to play another like that.” He snapped his fingers. Henry raised his eyebrows, impressed with the man already. If what Joey said was true, then their cartoons would be unique, indeed.

The two of them sat in silence, waiting for Sammy to awaken. Henry settled himself on the edge of the bed, while Joey occupied the only chair in the room. After awhile, they both grew bored, and took to exploring the tiny living space the uncleanly musician resided in. Henry plucked absentmindedly on the bass strings, and even took up the bow and scraped it experimentally on them. The sound was so unpleasing, though, that he stopped. Joey studied Sammy’s music sheets, then proceeded to rifle through a pile of books that had not been touched in quite some time, upsetting a few on to the floor.

“Hey,” said Henry, “leave that alone. It’s rude to go through people’s things.”

“Says the man fiddling with the bass.” Joey replied, continuing what he was doing.

“At least I haven’t disturbed anything.”

“Don’t worry, I’ll put these books back in their messy pile once I’m done browsing.”

Henry turned to face him, “This isn’t a library, Joey. This is where someone lives.”

Joey looked up from scanning a book titled, ‘Lyrics Journal’,“Well, I have to do something to preoccupy myself, since my business partner knocked out the man we came to see.”

“I had good reason for doing so.”

Joey eyed his friend sternly, “We were never in any trouble. Honestly, Henry, how could you ever think that I would willingly put us in danger of anyone?”

“You’ve done it before.” Henry muttered, just loud enough for Joey to hear.

Joey glared, “When?”

“That incident at the bar.”

“I knew we could handle those goons.”

Henry stared hard at his coworker, “Those guys at the park.”

“They needed to be taken down a peg.”

“That guy with the knife!”

Joey paused for a second, nervously gazing at the floor, “Okay, I admit… that one probably should have been avoided.” So saying, he absentmindedly rubbed his shoulder, where Henry knew he had sustained a scar from that fight. He himself had gotten a scar on his right arm, which he, too, unknowingly rubbed, recalling the event.

The two sat in an awkward silence for a couple minutes. Henry was just about to resume strumming the bass strings, when he heard a long, drawn out groan from the bed. Glancing at his friend, Henry hastily moved back to his previous spot on the bed, while Joey retook his seat on the chair.

Sammy Lawrence sat up groggily, rubbing his jaw carefully. His blue eyes lazily roamed over Henry and Joey, then sharpened after a second, and became fully alert as he sat up. Both Henry and Joey just stared at the alarmed musician, until the latter’s face broke into a grin.

“Sammy!” Joey said, in a warm, cordial tone.

Sammy’s gaze darkened, “Joey.” he replied, sounding not at all friendly. His eyes shifted to Henry, and he glared, “Person who knocked me out.”

Henry nervously met Sammy’s gaze, “I thought you were going to attack us.”

“I thought you were someone else,” Sammy explained, still scowling, “but even so, I might still have tried to knock you out, Joey.” Joey met the man’s accusatory stare with an expression of innocence.

“Me? What have I ever done to you?”

“Have you honestly forgotten?”

The blank look on Joey’s face told Henry that he had no idea what Sammy was talking about. The musician sighed, “You picked a fight with somebody, then left me to defend myself, alone.” Here his eyes blazed with a sudden fury, “They smashed my violin!”

Joey’s brow furrowed as he seemed to remember these events, “I think I recall someone getting a little testy with us, but I’m sure I didn’t run out on you.”

“Tell that to the remains of my violin.” Sammy growled.

Joey shrugged, “If it’ll please you.”

Henry was sure Sammy was about to strike Joey, so he hastily stood between them, “Alright, everyone calm down. Nothing will get resolved if we resort to blows.”

“Maybe not.” Sammy said, with a grim smile, “but it’ll sure feel good!” With that, he pounced toward Joey, but was halted as Henry held him back. The furious man struggled against Henry, wriggling this way and that, but the more experienced man held him in a tight grasp. The unsophisticated and non damaging nature of the blows Sammy inflicted on Henry as he fought to get free told the cartoonist he was not used to physical violence. So, Henry easily shoved him back, and Sammy could only glare at them with a cold dislike.

Just as Sammy opened his mouth to speak again, there came a loud knock on the door. Instantly, Sammy’s face grew pale, and whatever words he was about to say died in his throat.

“I’ll get it!” said Joey, obviously wanting to gain Sammy’s favor.

“No! Don’t!” But Sammy’s warning came too late. Joey had unbolted the door, and opened it to admit two big, rough looking men, with an identical leer on their faces. Henry distrusted them instantly, and Sammy’s panicked expression told him his caution was well-founded. Already, his hands were curling into fists.

“Can we help you, gentlemen?” Joey asked, politely. Henry knew his friend well enough to know that his friendly demeanor was just an act, and that he, too, was tensed and ready for a fight.

“You can’t,” said one of the burly men, “but he can.” He pointed at Sammy. The musician’s pale face flushed with red as he glowered at the man.

“I told you, I don’t want any trouble.”

“You wouldn’t have gotten any, if you’d just given us what we asked for.” The other man spoke up.

Sammy’s furious gaze pierced the two men, “I am not giving you any of my instruments!”

“You see,” said the first man, rubbing one of his knuckles in a casual, yet obviously threatening manner, “that’s where the trouble comes in.”

Henry stepped forward, “I recommend you think about your next move. Either walk out of here and leave this man in peace, or stay, and face the consequences for doing so.”

The first man shrugged, “I think we’ll stay, consequences or no, and-”

Henry was anticipating the punch coming his way, and was already dodging to the side, just as the fist hit the air where he’d been. In a flash, Joey had pounced on the other man, and the two instantly became locked in combat. The adversary Henry faced gave an exclamation of anger at having missed his target, and turned to face him. The cartoonist delivered two blows to the other man’s face as he did so, and the man reeled back, but recovered quickly and swung a right hook towards Henry. Henry tried to dodge this one, but Sammy’s apartment was so cramped, that he ended up stumbling into the bed, on which the musician was crouched, fearfully watching the skirmish.

The blow caught Henry right in the jaw, and stars exploded in his vision. But, years of brawls had taught him well, and he rolled with the punch, so it was not as effective as it would have been. The two foes faced off again. Henry realized his enemy was much stronger than he was, and he’d have to fight smart to win. He aimed a punch at the man’s solar plexus, which he blocked with contempt. Beside him, he heard the smack of a blow that had hit home, and the subsequent grunt as someone reacted to it. Henry knew it was Joey who had dealt the blow, so didn’t take his eyes off his enemy. His opponent, however, glanced over at his comrade for a moment, which was all Henry needed to deliver three solid blows to the man’s gut. The man stumbled back into the the desk, gasping, and Henry raised his hand to deliver a palm strike to the man’s face.

“No!” came Sammy’s anguished voice. Henry spun toward him, afraid Joey’s foe had gotten past him and was attacking the helpless musician. But Sammy’s cry was only for his banjo, which Joey had grabbed and was about to use to smack his enemy. Turning away, Henry caught a fist full in the face, and fell with a loud crash to the floorboards. The other man was on him in an instant, raining blows on his head. Henry just had time to throw his arms protectively over his face, but the force of the punches still made his vision blur. There was a small pause in the man’s assault, probably to get his second wind, and Henry took the opportunity to sit up and elbow him straight in the mouth.

The man reflexively lifted a hand to his face, and Henry used the moment to wriggle himself away from the man, kicking him in the stomach as he did so. His opponent gasped, and scowled at Henry, reached for him, then stopped. Henry had no time to react as the man grabbed something nearby, and raised it up. Henry just had time to recognize it as Sammy’s banjo, before it descended towards his face, and he was forced to cover up again, hoping for the best.

But the blow never came. Instead, there came a loud whack sound. Henry allowed himself to cautiously peek up at his adversary, who was swaying where he crouched, his eyes rolling up. Moving out of the way, Henry watched as the man collapsed in the spot where he’d been, unconscious. Above him stood Sammy, with a bat in one hand, and his banjo in the other. He observed his victim for a moment, then dropped the bat and hugged his banjo tight.

“Nobody touches my banjo.” he said, icily.

Henry didn’t know what to do for a moment, then turned as he heard Joey’s laugh of triumph. He had successfully knocked his enemy out, though by the way he clutched his hand, Henry was pretty sure he’d broken something doing it. Looking back at Sammy, Henry watched as the musician plopped down on to his bed, looking a tad bewildered. Henry sat down beside him, breathing hard, absently swiping a hand under his nose as he felt something wet. Looking down, he saw his hand was smeared with red. Apparently he’d gotten a bloody nose in the skirmish. Glancing down at his unconscious foe, Henry saw a tiny trickle of blood under his nose, and that was it. He was certainly a tough fighter, Henry thought, nodding to himself.

Joey came over and sat next to Henry on the bed, still grinning at his victory. Henry was sure that grin would turn to a grimace once his adrenaline lowered and he felt the pain of his broken hand. Sammy continued to clutch his banjo to him, staring at the bodies on the floor.

“I guess we’ll have to call the police.” he said, quietly.

“That’s usually how it goes, yes.” Henry agreed.

“You won’t have to worry about those idiots any more, Sammy.” Joey added.

“No,” said Sammy, suddenly realizing this, “I won’t.”

Joey was silent for a moment, then he looked the musician in the eye and said, as innocently as possible, “Do you think you could return the favor by letting me hire you?”

In a flash, Sammy’s glare was back, “I still haven’t forgotten what you did.”

“Nor did I think you would,” said Joey, “I made a mistake back then, and I am truly sorry.” He looked down at the senseless men on the floor, “Take these unconscious bodies as a sign of my good will.”

Sammy continued to glare, but was silent, and Henry liked to take that as a sign that he was warming up to them.

“I’m sorry, too,” he said, sincerely, “for knocking you out earlier. And I also wanted to thank you for saving me from that man. I’m not sure what might have happened had you not intervened.”

Now Sammy was at a loss for words, and all he did was stare at the two of them for a while. At last, he looked down at the floor, and said, gruffly, “You’re welcome.”

Another silence ensued, until Sammy again spoke up, “What exactly did you want to hire me for?”

Joey grinned, “I’m glad you asked. We’re starting a cartoon company,” he pointed to himself and Henry, “and we need a musician to add music to our cartoons.”

Sammy frowned, “Films have sound, now?”

“Yes!” said Joey, surprised, “You didn’t know that?”

Sammy shrugged, “I don’t watch a lot of movies.”

Henry brought them back on track, “What do you say, Mr. Lawrence? Will you take the job?”

The musician considered it for a moment, then shrugged, “It sounds better than playing the same old music at the club every day.”

Joey looked at him eagerly, “So you’re in?”

Sammy glanced at both Henry and Joey, “I’m in, but only if you buy me a new violin.”

“It’s a deal.” said Joey.

[takensubsblog-blog]

An Afternoon of Testing and Blackmail

Mistress @spoiled-curvy-lady recently decided that it was time for me to undergo some interesting and intense questioning in part to see how I can stand up under pressure and how closely I can pay attention to details and answer Her questions quickly, honestly and without mistakes. Before starting Mistress warned me that this would be harsh and uncomfortable but it would make me better and stronger for Her. She gave me some positive reinforcement and reminded me of my safe word and then we began. 

While most of the questions She asked me are personal between us, She did ask me some questions that I was slightly evasive about answering, knowing that my answer would be “self-incriminating” and prove to Mistress that I have in fact made mistakes in the past and have shirked some of my responsibilities.

When I was evasive or reluctant to answer She called me on it as you can see in the screen cap above.

She prodded and poked and told me that the closer I get to earning Her collar, the more scrutinized I’ll be and the more any mistakes will cost me. I was told that repercussions could include any number of the following:

Taking away my social media profiles

Taking away my speaking privileges

Ignoring

Blocking

Being abandoned

These punishments led to an interesting revelation that I did not see coming. As Mistress briefly touched on these things I found myself aroused by them. We talked about it a bit and  W/we discovered that while the actual implementing of the punishments would be terrible and harsh, Her descriptions of what life might be like while I was blocked, ignored or abandoned was for some reason arousing. W/we decided that W/we may try some rejection play in the future not only to add some edginess to our play but also to give me an actual glimpse into what life without Mistress would be like AND to serve as motivation to always do my best and serve Her exactly as She wants.

Mistress made me write Her a short letter that outlined two of the mistakes that I keep making in our daily communications. When I made a mistake in doing that I had to again rewrite it and resubmit it to Her.

Mistress then wanted photo proof that I was still wearing the same sissy cuckold panties that She had directed me to wear all week long, so with my office empty I had to send a photo from my desk in my panties. Mistress would use this photo later in the day unbeknownst to me.

After wrapping up the questioning, I thought we might be done with our play and we would conduct some aftercare and talk about the scene. I couldn’t be more wrong. Mistress then informed me that She decided that it might be time for me to be outed to my co-workers about my “real life” and that my intent is to become an owned and collared slave of a beautiful young woman twenty years my junior. She felt I had been living a secret life long enough and the photo I sent would be the proof.

Mistress reminded me of my true role in life is to be property of only Hers and Her cuckold for life. And I must admit, that was the most amazing feeling in the world to be told that, because I realized it is the absolute truth and what I really want in life. But I did not want Her to divulge that to my colleagues and She secretly knew that, which is when She let the other shoe drop and told me that I will be required to pay for Her to keep my secret life a secret.  This time though She gave me my shortest deadline yet of only two hours.

She continued to taunt me and tell me about how empty life would be without Her. She continued to ask me more pressing questions and when I didn’t answer Her in a satisfactory manner, She started taking time off my deadline. As I tried to talk my way out of Her abandoning me or outing me to coworkers the minutes continued to drain away. She showed me a screen cap of the message She intended to send to my office and asked me to provide Her a direct contact address that She could send this to. With no choice, I gave Her the address and She told me that it was all ready to send. With 22 minutes left, She became bored with my entreaties to stop and took another ten minutes off my time.

With less than a minute left I sent Her the ransom She wanted and Mistress ended the scene. We spent some time discussing the scene and She provided me feedback on what I did well and what I need to improve upon. We had some aftercare talks and She reminded me that all of this is making me a better sub that will some day lead me to becoming Her collared slave. 

This was an incredibly intense scene for me and one that last a lasting impact on me for many hours after. The feeling of having all control except for the payment of Her ransom was so great and arousing for me and She said She was aroused by Her intense control and power. She reminded me that She could do something about Her arousal and I could obviously not since She controls all my orgasms. So she dismissed me while She cuckolded me yet again.

#findom #blackmailplay #cuckold #interrogation #findomme

[mariacallous]

I do not need socio-emotional training or support at work! I want to be an adult that does my job to my ability and then leave. I think it becomes people's entire social lives or social support- the only thing I want to bitch about at work is work!! I do not want to be asked to visualize something or share my fears (I am not a sociopath; I have made many good friends at work, but I don't like when bosses/managers want to tell me how to feel or manage stress they cause)

No, I feel the same!

And it's so obnoxious and draining when it happens.

Our office has monthly meetings and the overall team director wants people to go around and report out about what they're doing/working on, but she always pushes people for specifics. So it's not enough to say "I'm working on my usual tasks". Except that one of the largest teams in our office is full of people whose entire jobs are usual tasks - they handle fiscal and budget matters and so there's not a huge range of work (but there is a lot of work to be done!) And so people get frustrated, especially because the director doesn't really care (or at least, that's how it comes across).

And this is how the bulk of the meeting is spent - so updates or announcements get rushed and people feel annoyed and like their time is being wasted.

Earlier this summer, the same director asked us "what's your personal goal for the summer and what's your professional goal? What do you want to improve on and how are you going to do it?" and spent so much time trying to get people to speak that it ate up the vast majority of scheduled time for the meeting. And then nothing really happened with it!

When we do have in-person things, when the director wants them and wants some kind of little get-together or snack thing, there's also no organization or planning, so it'll be mentioned, and then *maybe* *A* reminder about "feel free to bring something!" and then inevitably there's scrambling to find plates or utensils or whatever. The last time we did this, we had a pumpkin pie, a panettone, some fruit, and coffee and tea (but not cups, not enough forks or spoons, etc.) and that was it. And of course I and that other coworker got the conference room set up and arranged for it. And not enough chairs for everyone, so people had to bring them from their desks or offices.

We have a winter celebration/end-of-year thing coming up (next week I think, not this coming week) and I'm dreading it a bit because it'll be the same kind of thing.

There's all this talk about culture change and whatnot, but the point of culture change is that it doesn't happen by saying we're changing the culture and forcing it, but by consistent implementation and adjustments over a period of time.

This is the same director, btw, who is always talking about how behind on their email they are and how they're just getting to whatever document or email or item is being discussed right there in the meeting about said item, and who is completely unpredictable with when they'll respond to (let alone read) emails and other items.

It's like the worst of all worlds - all this touchy-feely socio-emotional bullshit *and* it's being done inconsistently and incompetently.

[laurelkrugerr]

Working From Home? Here Are 7 Ways to Be More Productive.

August 13, 2020 6 min read

Opinions expressed by Entrepreneur contributors are their own.

Several short months ago, millions of people all over the world woke up each morning, hopped in the shower, grabbed a bite to eat and jumped in their car to head off to work. Then came along COVID-19, and everything changed.

Places like Italy, Spain and India implemented hard lockdowns with very little movement outside except to get groceries. In Japan, a soft lockdown was rolled out, though most people stayed at home — my wife being one of them. She’s been at home for five months and has barely left the house even though the lockdown was lifted two months ago.

She’s one of the many who are stuck working from home for the foreseeable future. It’s been interesting to talk to her and other clients about their experiences and listen to their frustrations. If you’re reading this, chances are you clicked through because you are in a similar situation and are wondering how you can maximize your time.

Here are seven ways to be more productive when working from home.

Related: How to Stay Productive While Working From Home

1. Clean your workspace

Working in an office forces you to work within limitations. You’ve got a desk, a computer and a few knick-knacks. At home, that’s not the case. It’s distraction heaven. You’ve got kids running around the house, your cat scratching the sofa wanting to go out, the postman arriving to deliver your latest Amazon order and social media notifications on your personal phone going off every few minutes. For all these reasons, and probably a few more, you need to create a clean workspace.

Focus is the key to maximum efficiency, meaning you need to limit distractions. As Francine Jay, author of The Joy of Less, says, “Surfaces are not for storage. Rather, surfaces are for activity, and should be kept clear at all other times.” Limit what you have on your desk to just the bare essentials. Always keep in mind the saying “Clean desk, clean mind.”

2. Get the gear

Once you have your workspace set, you need to have the right gear. Three things will get you started.

A large monitor. The first thing my wife purchased when she was told she would have to work from home was a stunning 24-inch monitor to connect to her high-end laptop. It’s been worth every penny. When you’re going to be glued to a screen for more than eight hours a day, you want to limit the strain on your eyes. At your office, there may be limitations as to what you can use, but at home, you’re in control.

Rocketbook. Working from paper is one of the little-known secrets of successful people. Too often today, by default, people turn to their smartphones. But as bestselling author Alex Banayan learned in his mission to interview the most successful people in America, pros use paper. I adore paper, but recently a client turned my attention to something that takes things to the next level — Rocketbook. You use a Frixion pen to write on special paper, then use their app to scan in the pages. It’s analog meets digital. And it’s awesome.

A good light. The strain on our eyes is intense today, whether we’re staring at a screen or going over documents. This is why light is so important. Two desk lamps that made nearly every recommended list of 2020 are the TaoTronics Stylish Metal and the BenQ Eyecare (what a great name).

Related: The Real Challenge With Moving to a Fully-Remote Setup

3. Implement single focus time (SFT)

Darren Hardy, as the former publisher of Success Magazine, had a chance to talk to the most successful people on the planet. Hardy talks in-depth about the importance of focus and what he calls a 90-minute jam session. Not everyone might be in a position to do that, but the goal is to carve out at least two times each day for uninterrupted work. No calls, no emails, no nothing — just single-minded focus even if for just 30 minutes, or as I like to call it, SFT. It’s amazing how simply doing this will transform your productivity.

4. Use a timer

Don’t get caught up doing more and more. In this crazy, unpredictable global environment, there’s always more to be done. Fall into that trap and you might not be able to get out. Set small periods of time to work on a task, and once that timer hits zero, times up. It’s amazing how fast we move when we’re under the gun.

5. Take mini-breaks

One of the best, and worst, things about working from home is not having people watching us every waking moment. Gone are your managers and coworkers. It’s all in your hands. That means if you want to take a break, you can take a break. And guess what? If you’re serious about boosting your productivity, you should do just that.

After focus sessions, my best advice would be to simply go for a walk. Get some fresh air and a change of scenery. We all live a very sedentary lifestyle today, which is a productivity killer. For our sanity and our productivity, we need to get outside. What about those rainy days? Some light stretches will suffice. It’s critical that we find a way to get our minds off work, even if for just a short time.

6. Use lists

I’ve always loved lists. They help me organize ideas, projects, articles and problems into manageable pieces, making the task at hand much more doable. A to-do list is something everyone swears by, but the real key lies in prioritization. That’s where Ivy Lee’s method comes in. For the digitally minded people out there, I recently came across the app Rocket 135, which forces us to create just nine tasks each day. You break tasks into one big, three medium and five small. I love the limitation as it focuses us to be cutthroat with our tasks.

Related: Brain Hacks to Boost Motivation and Beat the Work From Home Blues

7. Enjoy yourself

This sounds a little silly to say, but it shouldn’t be overlooked. Happiness improves productivity. Being stuck at home for long periods of time for most people is a big pull in the opposite direction. Ever see someone working the day before a long vacation? They are powering through the day. Some will get more done in a day than they have all week. It’s what I like to call the day-before-vacation phenomenon. That’s why it’s imperative to schedule in some fun each week.

Now get off the couch and start producing.

Website Design & SEO Delray Beach by DBL07.co

Delray Beach SEO

source http://www.scpie.org/working-from-home-here-are-7-ways-to-be-more-productive/ source https://scpie1.blogspot.com/2020/08/working-from-home-here-are-7-ways-to-be.html

[riichardwilson]

Working From Home? Here Are 7 Ways to Be More Productive.

August 13, 2020 6 min read

Opinions expressed by Entrepreneur contributors are their own.

Several short months ago, millions of people all over the world woke up each morning, hopped in the shower, grabbed a bite to eat and jumped in their car to head off to work. Then came along COVID-19, and everything changed.

Places like Italy, Spain and India implemented hard lockdowns with very little movement outside except to get groceries. In Japan, a soft lockdown was rolled out, though most people stayed at home — my wife being one of them. She’s been at home for five months and has barely left the house even though the lockdown was lifted two months ago.

She’s one of the many who are stuck working from home for the foreseeable future. It’s been interesting to talk to her and other clients about their experiences and listen to their frustrations. If you’re reading this, chances are you clicked through because you are in a similar situation and are wondering how you can maximize your time.

Here are seven ways to be more productive when working from home.

Related: How to Stay Productive While Working From Home

1. Clean your workspace

Working in an office forces you to work within limitations. You’ve got a desk, a computer and a few knick-knacks. At home, that’s not the case. It’s distraction heaven. You’ve got kids running around the house, your cat scratching the sofa wanting to go out, the postman arriving to deliver your latest Amazon order and social media notifications on your personal phone going off every few minutes. For all these reasons, and probably a few more, you need to create a clean workspace.

Focus is the key to maximum efficiency, meaning you need to limit distractions. As Francine Jay, author of The Joy of Less, says, “Surfaces are not for storage. Rather, surfaces are for activity, and should be kept clear at all other times.” Limit what you have on your desk to just the bare essentials. Always keep in mind the saying “Clean desk, clean mind.”

2. Get the gear

Once you have your workspace set, you need to have the right gear. Three things will get you started.

A large monitor. The first thing my wife purchased when she was told she would have to work from home was a stunning 24-inch monitor to connect to her high-end laptop. It’s been worth every penny. When you’re going to be glued to a screen for more than eight hours a day, you want to limit the strain on your eyes. At your office, there may be limitations as to what you can use, but at home, you’re in control.

Rocketbook. Working from paper is one of the little-known secrets of successful people. Too often today, by default, people turn to their smartphones. But as bestselling author Alex Banayan learned in his mission to interview the most successful people in America, pros use paper. I adore paper, but recently a client turned my attention to something that takes things to the next level — Rocketbook. You use a Frixion pen to write on special paper, then use their app to scan in the pages. It’s analog meets digital. And it’s awesome.

A good light. The strain on our eyes is intense today, whether we’re staring at a screen or going over documents. This is why light is so important. Two desk lamps that made nearly every recommended list of 2020 are the TaoTronics Stylish Metal and the BenQ Eyecare (what a great name).

Related: The Real Challenge With Moving to a Fully-Remote Setup

3. Implement single focus time (SFT)

Darren Hardy, as the former publisher of Success Magazine, had a chance to talk to the most successful people on the planet. Hardy talks in-depth about the importance of focus and what he calls a 90-minute jam session. Not everyone might be in a position to do that, but the goal is to carve out at least two times each day for uninterrupted work. No calls, no emails, no nothing — just single-minded focus even if for just 30 minutes, or as I like to call it, SFT. It’s amazing how simply doing this will transform your productivity.

4. Use a timer

Don’t get caught up doing more and more. In this crazy, unpredictable global environment, there’s always more to be done. Fall into that trap and you might not be able to get out. Set small periods of time to work on a task, and once that timer hits zero, times up. It’s amazing how fast we move when we’re under the gun.

5. Take mini-breaks

One of the best, and worst, things about working from home is not having people watching us every waking moment. Gone are your managers and coworkers. It’s all in your hands. That means if you want to take a break, you can take a break. And guess what? If you’re serious about boosting your productivity, you should do just that.

After focus sessions, my best advice would be to simply go for a walk. Get some fresh air and a change of scenery. We all live a very sedentary lifestyle today, which is a productivity killer. For our sanity and our productivity, we need to get outside. What about those rainy days? Some light stretches will suffice. It’s critical that we find a way to get our minds off work, even if for just a short time.

6. Use lists

I’ve always loved lists. They help me organize ideas, projects, articles and problems into manageable pieces, making the task at hand much more doable. A to-do list is something everyone swears by, but the real key lies in prioritization. That’s where Ivy Lee’s method comes in. For the digitally minded people out there, I recently came across the app Rocket 135, which forces us to create just nine tasks each day. You break tasks into one big, three medium and five small. I love the limitation as it focuses us to be cutthroat with our tasks.

Related: Brain Hacks to Boost Motivation and Beat the Work From Home Blues

7. Enjoy yourself

This sounds a little silly to say, but it shouldn’t be overlooked. Happiness improves productivity. Being stuck at home for long periods of time for most people is a big pull in the opposite direction. Ever see someone working the day before a long vacation? They are powering through the day. Some will get more done in a day than they have all week. It’s what I like to call the day-before-vacation phenomenon. That’s why it’s imperative to schedule in some fun each week.

Now get off the couch and start producing.

Website Design & SEO Delray Beach by DBL07.co

Delray Beach SEO

source http://www.scpie.org/working-from-home-here-are-7-ways-to-be-more-productive/ source https://scpie.tumblr.com/post/626408232806711296

[scpie]

Working From Home? Here Are 7 Ways to Be More Productive.

August 13, 2020 6 min read

Opinions expressed by Entrepreneur contributors are their own.

Several short months ago, millions of people all over the world woke up each morning, hopped in the shower, grabbed a bite to eat and jumped in their car to head off to work. Then came along COVID-19, and everything changed.

Places like Italy, Spain and India implemented hard lockdowns with very little movement outside except to get groceries. In Japan, a soft lockdown was rolled out, though most people stayed at home — my wife being one of them. She’s been at home for five months and has barely left the house even though the lockdown was lifted two months ago.

She’s one of the many who are stuck working from home for the foreseeable future. It’s been interesting to talk to her and other clients about their experiences and listen to their frustrations. If you’re reading this, chances are you clicked through because you are in a similar situation and are wondering how you can maximize your time.

Here are seven ways to be more productive when working from home.

Related: How to Stay Productive While Working From Home

1. Clean your workspace

Working in an office forces you to work within limitations. You’ve got a desk, a computer and a few knick-knacks. At home, that’s not the case. It’s distraction heaven. You’ve got kids running around the house, your cat scratching the sofa wanting to go out, the postman arriving to deliver your latest Amazon order and social media notifications on your personal phone going off every few minutes. For all these reasons, and probably a few more, you need to create a clean workspace.

Focus is the key to maximum efficiency, meaning you need to limit distractions. As Francine Jay, author of The Joy of Less, says, “Surfaces are not for storage. Rather, surfaces are for activity, and should be kept clear at all other times.” Limit what you have on your desk to just the bare essentials. Always keep in mind the saying “Clean desk, clean mind.”

2. Get the gear

Once you have your workspace set, you need to have the right gear. Three things will get you started.

A large monitor. The first thing my wife purchased when she was told she would have to work from home was a stunning 24-inch monitor to connect to her high-end laptop. It’s been worth every penny. When you’re going to be glued to a screen for more than eight hours a day, you want to limit the strain on your eyes. At your office, there may be limitations as to what you can use, but at home, you’re in control.

Rocketbook. Working from paper is one of the little-known secrets of successful people. Too often today, by default, people turn to their smartphones. But as bestselling author Alex Banayan learned in his mission to interview the most successful people in America, pros use paper. I adore paper, but recently a client turned my attention to something that takes things to the next level — Rocketbook. You use a Frixion pen to write on special paper, then use their app to scan in the pages. It’s analog meets digital. And it’s awesome.

A good light. The strain on our eyes is intense today, whether we’re staring at a screen or going over documents. This is why light is so important. Two desk lamps that made nearly every recommended list of 2020 are the TaoTronics Stylish Metal and the BenQ Eyecare (what a great name).

Related: The Real Challenge With Moving to a Fully-Remote Setup

3. Implement single focus time (SFT)

Darren Hardy, as the former publisher of Success Magazine, had a chance to talk to the most successful people on the planet. Hardy talks in-depth about the importance of focus and what he calls a 90-minute jam session. Not everyone might be in a position to do that, but the goal is to carve out at least two times each day for uninterrupted work. No calls, no emails, no nothing — just single-minded focus even if for just 30 minutes, or as I like to call it, SFT. It’s amazing how simply doing this will transform your productivity.

4. Use a timer

Don’t get caught up doing more and more. In this crazy, unpredictable global environment, there’s always more to be done. Fall into that trap and you might not be able to get out. Set small periods of time to work on a task, and once that timer hits zero, times up. It’s amazing how fast we move when we’re under the gun.

5. Take mini-breaks

One of the best, and worst, things about working from home is not having people watching us every waking moment. Gone are your managers and coworkers. It’s all in your hands. That means if you want to take a break, you can take a break. And guess what? If you’re serious about boosting your productivity, you should do just that.

After focus sessions, my best advice would be to simply go for a walk. Get some fresh air and a change of scenery. We all live a very sedentary lifestyle today, which is a productivity killer. For our sanity and our productivity, we need to get outside. What about those rainy days? Some light stretches will suffice. It’s critical that we find a way to get our minds off work, even if for just a short time.

6. Use lists

I’ve always loved lists. They help me organize ideas, projects, articles and problems into manageable pieces, making the task at hand much more doable. A to-do list is something everyone swears by, but the real key lies in prioritization. That’s where Ivy Lee’s method comes in. For the digitally minded people out there, I recently came across the app Rocket 135, which forces us to create just nine tasks each day. You break tasks into one big, three medium and five small. I love the limitation as it focuses us to be cutthroat with our tasks.

Related: Brain Hacks to Boost Motivation and Beat the Work From Home Blues

7. Enjoy yourself

This sounds a little silly to say, but it shouldn’t be overlooked. Happiness improves productivity. Being stuck at home for long periods of time for most people is a big pull in the opposite direction. Ever see someone working the day before a long vacation? They are powering through the day. Some will get more done in a day than they have all week. It’s what I like to call the day-before-vacation phenomenon. That’s why it’s imperative to schedule in some fun each week.

Now get off the couch and start producing.

Website Design & SEO Delray Beach by DBL07.co

Delray Beach SEO

source http://www.scpie.org/working-from-home-here-are-7-ways-to-be-more-productive/

[madcatllc]

a heisenbug to share

This is a story about the fun part of my job: getting handed something close to the hardware and unexplainable, and tracking down the odd details that explain it. What can I say, it beats code reviews and writing design docs. (All quotes and all code here is paraphrased to omit confidential details and protect the innocent; numbers have been replaced with representative but fake data; I don't speak for my employer or any of my coworkers.)

A while back a coworker circulated a draft of our paper on convenient RCU APIs for internal comment. Someone replied "Looks interesting--our team wrote something similar, called Locked, a while back which we use for the same reason." Now, I'm pretty proud of View as an interface, and I'm even more proud of our RCU implementation that backs it; to my knowledge it's the fastest and most scalable userspace version in existence...and it took quite a lot of time and trouble for me to get it to that point. So I told him, well, that: "Not bad, but looking at your implementation, I'm pretty sure View will be 3-4x faster, not to mention scale better to multiple cores. Give it a try!"

So he does try it. "Well, you're sort of right! I wrote a simple multithreaded benchmark and View is usually faster...except it's inconsistent. Every few runs it slows down by a factor of 10 or more. I don't think I like that." What can I say? Talk shit, get hit. But it really didn't seem right to me--I know what their code did and I know what my code did and there shouldn't be any way mine could be slowed down. So I was determined to find out why.

I checked out his benchmark, started running it, and quickly found he was right:

https://gist.github.com/anonymous/90b3484a04bf5b48338b964e9b536af5

Pinning to well-chosen CPUs didn't help; running for longer periods made no difference--so neither the load balancer nor some fixed overhead was to blame. The profiler showed no difference in called functions from good runs to bad, so nothing was interrupting the code, and it wasn't causing any background work to show up. The same code was running more slowly; nothing else explained it, and `perf stat` showed a huge change in IPC.

But here's the thing: our RCU was very carefully designed to avoid any sort of false sharing or other cache coherency problems. All of the control words were carefully segregated; code running on cpu 3 should only touch one page, full of other cpu 3 data. Moreover, I had my own benchmarks, doing very similar things to my coworker's, that proved it (and remained consistently fast.) What else could be causing that sort of thing?

My coworker had written the code in what I thought was a slightly odd fashion. I'd write a parallel benchmark roughly like so (using Google's benchmarking library):

https://gist.github.com/ahh/278337744eedf7e93ad0e4bad8883cac

But his was different:

https://gist.github.com/ahh/08e69204fc9154149b59307546bc3598

Instead of using our library's ability to spawn a parallel benchmark directly, he made them himself. (He was careful to avoid having the thread creation attributed to the cost of the benchmark.) It's not what I would have done, and I think it looks clunky, but it shouldn't have mattered, right? Yet it clearly did--my test was consistently fast. At this point, I could have stopped; it was clearly a benchmark effect. But I felt pot-committed, so kept looking, and found something even stranger. I wanted to double-check kernel timekeeping wasn't buggy (we've seen problems there before), so I added some manual timing:

https://gist.github.com/ahh/995988e6245231f2c1309794d6992bbc

And when we ran it...

https://gist.github.com/ahh/b145cf812150b48d8b4037c365c9c37a

Too bad--the manual timing agreed 100% with the kernel--consistly 15-20ns per rep, every run, like clockwork.

Wait, what?

Adding the calls to rdtsc fixed the problem. Entirely.

Some more fiddling proved this wasn't just rdtsc -- any number of tiny changes to the code made the problem disappear. Add a debug print in the wrong place, move some data to global locations, change compiler flags, run under GDB, do everything in a dedicated thread pool...all sorts of things might fix the problem. It was incredibly sensitive. What the heck did this benchmark do wrong? I was tempted to dismiss it as one of those microarchitectural anomalies, or a compiler issue, but...

At this point the benchmark's author mentioned that he had noticed more memory traffic during bad runs. I had dismissed cache interference--I *knew* my rcu was designed to take and drop reader locks without allowing for it--but that had been stupid. Just because I knew my code didn't have a problem didn't excuse not measuring it. In God We Trust, All Others Pay Cash.

So I brought out `perf stat` again. Good runs showed next to no L3 misses, and bad ones a constant stream. Pinned to one socket, bad ones stopped showing L3 misses...and replaced them with L3_HITS marked as pulled from another CPU's L2. Bingo. Someone was playing cache ping pong. But who?

PEBS is very powerful here; it allows me to find (to the instruction!) the precise location of every cache miss. And they were all in the same place: rcu::View<char>, internally, is just a const char pointer. We take a RCU read lock, copy that pointer, and then deference it safely...and copying the pointer was missing L3. How could that be happening?

The pointer read couldn't be the objectionable part; any number of CPUs could read that pointer with a cache line in SHARED state, and no one was changing it. Something on that cache line was being written, but I couldn't see it in the code. The benchmark inner loop wasn't doing any modifications at all. What's more, my coworker's Locked abstraction was a very similar protected pointer, and the inner loop read that pointer exactly the same way--why wasn't he seeing the same cache traffic?

Annoyingly, perf is less useful here; memory store events are much less configurable. There isn't any event at all for memory uops that miss cache! (I am given to understand this is because store ops are buffered in a way that makes it more difficult to track.) But I can get a profile of every store, good or bad. So I did; thankfully, there weren't too many. Most looked totally innocuous...all RCU traffic was on different cachelines. The only store I couldn't account for was the "call" instruction...and then I knew what had happened.

The RSEQ technology backing our RCU implementation has one major limit; the code the kernel accelerates must be in one contiguous block of assembly per binary. So RSEQ operations emit calls into that block, which cannot be inlined. (Our upcoming V2 release eliminates this problem--we're looking forward to the performance gains of inlining!) Calls aren't free, but avoiding atomic instructions is still worth it.

But here it was killing us. The strange way my coworker had written his benchmark meant that the shared rcu::View object was on the main benchmark thread's stack...exactly 48 bytes from the stack's frontier. Since the main stack was participating in the benchmark loop, it was constantly pushing a return address onto the stack, 48 bytes away; if that was the same cache line as our shared pointer, this ruined every reader's day.

This neatly explained everything! My coworker's Locked abstraction was inlined, so it didn't touch the main thread's stack in the inner loop. Adding timestamping (or debug printfs) enlarged the stack frame. Moving the relevant data to the heap took the shared pointer away from the writes.

The last question: why was the problem inconsistent? ASLR. It was easy to verify that the address of the stack variable changed from run to run, by 16 byte increments. This was a bit surprising, actually--I knew a lot of kernel mappings would be randomized, but I expected this to only affect things at the page level (which wouldn't change alignments.) Was libc startup playing silly buggers? I made a trivial binary with no user space code at all other than exiting with a return status of the stack alignment:

https://gist.github.com/ahh/d766f9ab30e2739fbedeaf002d681d2f

and saw very clear results:

https://gist.github.com/ahh/c9e2df54fa9cddbd0d8ff71538b5c646

So no, the kernel does in fact do ASLR to very small resolutions on the main thread stack. Learn something new every day, I guess. (If we'd as much as run his benchmark in a child thread, this would never have become visible.) Now that I knew where to look it was easy to find with some judicious use of LXR and LWN.

So like so many of my work investigations, I was done, and on one level had nothing to show for it: my code was fast and didn't need changing. (In any real binary, Views being concurrently accessed wouln't live on a active thread's last stack frame. One hopes!) I guess I walked away with vindication that I, indeed, had the fastest rcu in the west, though. And there were a few good lessons.

Measure everything, even the things you're sure about.

Tiny structural differences can matter.

When in doubt, check the cache misses.

And if nothing else it was great to see a new case of interference; I've never before seen cache ping-pong due to call instructions. (Have you?)

My only annoyance is that I still don't know an actually good principled way to find store uops that actually force a cacheline from SHARED->EXCLUSIVE with perf. If you do, drop me a line. At the moment, I'm stuck doing a lot of assembly level forensics. Mind you, I *enjoy* having one window of `perf report -D` and one of objdump, but I do have a day job.

If you find stories like this interesting and want to share your own; if you have suggestions for doing better analysis of this sort; if you have questions about high performance multithreaded C++; if you want to correct me or give me advice about anything; if you just want to chat and think I might be able to help you somehow, please email me. I want to hear from you--yes, you--about these things. Some of my best work has come out of random strangers asking me questions...you never know what's possible until you see someone ask what isn't. My email is in the sidebar, or just rot13: naqerjuuhagre@tznvy.pbz