#never getting enough of that angst lol

[zwy01]

Reiner doodles!!!

Ahhhhhh my little prince boy!! He’s finally here!!! He’s HERE!!!

This is my OC, Aretis Verja Di Reiner! He is Razark and Raskreia’s son, and the latter’s heir.

I haven’t gone in depth with his backstory yet, so I’m going to do that here. He’s one of my 15 “main” characters of my Millennium AU and his full bio is up in my pinned post.

A brief recap on Reiner’s family. Typically, Reiner is an only child. His hypothetical full-sibling and younger sister Lorenda Roxanne Di Gloria does exist depending on how the mAU storyline is interpreted, which is very flexible in itself. If Gloria exists, she is born after Reiner runs away from Lukedonia. She is not a “100%” existing character in my mAU, which is why she isn’t in my lineup featured in my pinned post.

I love Reiner for his complexity and I’ve hardly even mentioned him at all. Ahhhhhhhh. I’m like, SO excited to finally talk about him. I’ve been waiting for this moment for four years since his creation!!!! And he’s by far one of my most layered characters, which is also why I’m not sure about how much I’ll be able to get through in this post. Probably won’t even be able to fit in most of his backstory in one go but I’ll do the best I can to cover major points. He’ll definitely get more posts of his own in the future, so what I don’t get to finish here, will go there. And you may recall me mentioning how I will expand on Gloria’s backstory as a two-in-one with Reiner’s character post. As of now, that won’t hold true anymore because Reiner’s own stuff turned out to be much longer than what I had expected so I think I’ll end up giving Gloria her own post. (She deserves her own post despite being a situational character. Looks like there will be 16 posts total, haha) Yay! My precious Reiner’s partially complete backstory.

Before I jump right into Reiner’s story, I want to give a little more context on this AU in general because I feel like I haven’t clarified exactly why this AU is not a happy one, but an angsty one. The answer is Lord Raskreia. Presumably everything goes well post-ending in the post-canon timeline. Crombel’s nukes are dealt with, Raskreia takes her two Clan Leaders back to Lukedonia, and life goes on etc etc. That is the “good ending” for Raskreia and the general noble population. Basically your happily-ever-after ending. (In this timeline, Reiner is nonexistent because Razark is dead, and he stays dead. Reiner is replaced with Raskreia’s son whom she has with Kei, with the latter serving as the soul fragment donor. That’s a lot of new information at once. But the post-canon timeline kidlord deserves his own post so that’s for later. He actually made a brief appearance in my crackship nextgen post so feel free to check it out!) This is where my mAU thematically diverges from canon. Razark being alive isn’t even the main focal point of this AU. In my mAU timeline, Lukedonia is ruled by the “bad ending” Raskreia.

To be exact, Lord Raskreia who doesn’t take the canonical series of events very well. I mean, just think about it. Traitor nobles, werewolves, modified humans, bloodstones, satellites, nukes… they just kept coming. And it all happened during her reign, right under her nose. The world was in danger, and Lukedonia was in danger. They were more than fortunate enough to save Razark in the nick of time before the traitor nobles were able to finish him off. Raskreia and her two Clan Leaders were more than fortunate enough to return safe and sound after facing Crombel’s nukes head on. Now what? To think that all threats have been eliminated, and that the world is finally at peace, would be rather unrealistic. Too optimistic. After all, just look at what happened. For this exact reason, Raskreia feels uneasy and she is unable to relax. She can’t guarantee that the possibility of future attacks is at 0% …none of them can. It is unlikely, but you can’t just ignore the what ifs. Thanks to these series of events, Raskreia more or less decreed that Lukedonia would continue to stay on guard in a half-emergency state. Everyone must be vigilant and prepared to respond to emergencies anytime and anywhere. Admittedly, they were a bit underprepared during the most recent, and hopefully the last invasion of Lukedonia. To her, this was a wake up call. The world has gotten more dangerous as it developed. And it will continue to develop at fast pace. So she called for action. The guards’ training program doubled in intensity and duration. Those who did not show substantial improvement were deemed under-qualified, got removed from their posts and then replaced by faster, stronger, and more qualified individuals. Raskreia also assigned more people to patrol duty; along the coast, in the forest, in the mountains… until every last inch of Lukedonian land had eyes monitoring it. She enforced evacuation drills at regular intervals. She established a new alert system. Ludis, along with many other nobles, were called in to investigate and enforce the barrier of Lukedonia in hopes that a stronger barrier with increased resistance to being deactivated would make Lukedonia harder to penetrate. The list would continue on. To summarize, Lukedonia is now harder to enter… and harder to leave. You know what that entails.

In my mAU, the Clan Leaders’ relationship with Raskreia also takes a different approach to canon. They are still extremely loyal to her and will respond to her commands without hesitation. Except what’s different here is that they are not so sure if they trust her completely. This could refer to many things, but it’s mostly pointing to Gejutel’s incident during the first Lukedonia arc. The Clan Leaders pretty much witnessed their Lord almost executing Gejutel, her trusted advisor and one of her most loyal subjects who also served the Previous Lord during his reign. All because of a misunderstanding and suspicions that she didn’t even bother to fully investigate. She was willing to accuse and execute him just like that. So the man who dedicated his life to serve her, and her father, only meant that much to her. Fortunately the misunderstanding was eventually cleared thanks to Raizel’s timely intervention. Had it not been for the noblesse, the old man would’ve met his tragic fate under a false treason charge. Did Raskreia even apologize to him in the end? And… what does Gejutel think of her now? The Clan Leaders don’t know what Gejutel thinks of this entire incident, nor does he ever bring it up. As curious as these Clan Leaders are, they know better than to ask Gejutel himself, as it would be impolite. If he didn’t complain, then none of them can. Gejutel’s loyalty to Raskreia seems to remain the same, at least from what they can observe. But they can’t help but think… what if they were in his shoes? How would they feel? After all, Raskreia proved that she was willing to jump to conclusions and execute a reputable, loyal subject like that in an almost whimsical manner. Just, you know… does this mean that them witnessing Gejutel’s almost-execution is simply them getting a glimpse into their own future? Will their Lord still be as immature? What will the future even hold for them? Sure, they are still loyal to her, by both their own choice and their duty. But again. They couldn’t help but think in that direction.

And that wraps up my brief overview of my mAU! Hope that answers some questions, and gives a little more context on why Raskreia and Reiner act the way they do in my storyline. Without further ado, let’s get started on Reiner’s story! Yeahhh!!!!

We already know that Reiner is the heir to the throne of Lukedonia. It is a fate to which he is tied since birth, and one he can never separate himself from. He is meant to follow in Raskreia’s footsteps and succeed her as Lord one day, just like how she succeeded his grandfather, and his grandfather’s many, many ancestors before him. He shall become the next ruler of Lukedonia who will protect them and guide them to prosperity. Reiner the great and glorious. Eeeexcept his future is neither great nor glorious. Reiner gets depressed, ditches his identity entirely, and runs away after his attempt to reform Lukedonia into a democracy fails. Currently, he is permanently on the run with his mother and her elite search party coming after his head. Reiner adopts a human name, disguises himself, and works part-time jobs in the human world all while skillfully evading whoever is after him. He’s a fugitive on Lukedonia’s most-wanted list, but he’d take that over being the prince of a suffocating noble country. Anything but that. And we will witness how his story unfolds, from his early childhood all the way to his escape many years later.

On Reiner’s general character. In terms of appearance, Reiner resembles his maternal grandmother Desdemona very much. A mysterious aura, beautiful eyes, and wavy black hair that turns into a wonderful crimson shade under the sun. Personality-wise, he also has some of Mona’s stubbornness when it comes to firmly sticking to his beliefs. But it’s not just Mona. Reiner also takes after his maternal grandfather, the Previous Lord. Their personalities overlap quite a bit. Just like the Previous Lord, Reiner is charismatic, outgoing, has his sense of humor, and is open to new ideas. Despite being stubborn at times, Reiner can also be quite flexible, especially when it comes to keeping up with the ever changing world. But Reiner is even more upfront and vocal about it. He himself is the change; he doesn’t need to wait for it to happen. And he doesn’t want to wait. Back then, his grandfather voluntarily entered eternal sleep with his Clan Leaders to pave way for the new generation. And Reiner? He would much rather witness change with his own eyes. He doesn’t just want to believe in it, he wants to see it happen real time. Reiner will be there to implement what he envisions by being the person to lead them all. He wants all the nobles to live up to their fullest potential, and he has confidence in himself that he will be able to figure out something that works for everyone. Reiner is positive about the future. He will be a responsible, caring Lord who has everyone’s best interest at heart. His bright future awaits him. Not only will he be his people’s leader, he will also be their friend. It will be his responsibility to guide them as their equal. And when he passes, he will be remembered as a great Lord.

Except this side of his personality never got the chance to develop. This is the Reiner that could have been if he had the opportunity to grow up under the right circumstances. Precisely, if he had the luxury of receiving ideal support coming from both his family and his people. Reiner was basically robbed of his full potential, and one that he will never get the chance to make up for. You can’t just redo your childhood and early adulthood to replace what had been missing all along, which means his pain will last for a lifetime. The current Reiner is sad, defeated, doesn’t want to interact with anyone, and gave up on his identity altogether. In fact, he doesn’t want anything to do with Lukedonia in the slightest, even if they pardoned him and invited him back. To see why this is, we will have to go back to the very beginning, to Reiner’s toddler days.

Reiner was a good child. He was polite, kind, generous, and always kept an eye out for the needs of others, as if the world and everyone around him lived inside his little heart. His precious, delicate little heart. He truly cherished them all. In Reiner’s eyes, the people of Lukedonia were more like his friends than his future subjects. The nobles all greeted him with utmost respect and addressed him as “Prince Reiner”, and even though Reiner did not fully understand why everyone was so formal with him, he very much enjoyed the attention. And of course, being the polite kid he was, Reiner would bow back and say “thank you very much!”, to which the nobles would be very flustered, beg their prince to get up, and even go as far as to blame themselves for making their prince bow to them. At the same time, they were also very flattered to know that their prince thought so highly of them.

And Reiner did! It wasn’t just to be polite from his end. Reiner respected and loved them just as much as they did for him. Anyone can tell you that Reiner was a nice boy. He made sure to never be on only the receiving end, and always went out of his way to reciprocate his people’s efforts. He didn’t need to do so as being served is one of the perks that came with his birthright as prince, but he never let that stop him. He was full of enthusiasm. Reiner helped Minerva’s librarians shelve their books despite being only a smidge taller than a large houseplant. He assisted Doris with her journal entries on effects of different soil types on crops, writing in his own tiny notebook with his tiny hands. He tended to Claudia’s garden of herbs and harvested, cleaned, and dried the plants with her. He eagerly followed Ludis and his knights around during patrol duty even though he was too small to keep up with them. At home, he offered to dust his residence along with his maids and greet the guests at the door with his butler. Even when no one was around, Reiner bowed to the stone statues outdoors and thanked them for watching over Lukedonia, and brushed dirt and twigs off their heads and shoulders.

Reiner loved his people, and he loved his country. His passion was unmatched. Reiner had won over most people in Lukedonia at a very young age. If you needed help or looked like you needed help, you could count on little Reiner. He’d stand upright, give his chest two firm pats with his tiny hand, and say “Allow me to assist you!” How adorable. Aww. Soon enough the citizens of Lukedonia learned to not refuse their prince’s offer to help with their mundane tasks because they saw how happy he was to be a part of them. Everyone seemed to be impressed and proud of their prince… except for one. Or, at least she doesn’t show it.

Despite Lord Raskreia telling Reiner that he will become Lord after her, and that he must prepare himself for that role, little Reiner didn’t quite have a full grasp on what being Lord means yet. But that’s okay, because he is still so young. He has all the time he needs in this world to learn what it means to be Lord. His father Razark would smile, pat his son on the head, and tell him that one day, everyone in this land will be under his care, so he needs to grow up to be strong and smart to protect and lead them. To which Reiner would always smile and answer “Yes, Father!” with sincerity. Little Reiner understood that he will have to work harder than anyone else, but he was certain that he’ll do a good job. He has to. He’ll do it for his people, he’ll do it for himself, his father, and… his Lord. His beloved mother, though he’s not allowed to address her as such. Right. His Lord, his ruler, and Lukedonia’s one and only. She’ll be proud of him, right? Even if Raskreia never explicitly stated that she looked forward to her son’s accomplishments and that she’d recognize him for his excellence, Reiner just knew that she would. He was hopeful and optimistic. After all, he’s her son! Razark could sense that his little son yearned for his mother’s approval, despite it being one he knew she wouldn’t be handing out freely. Razark also knew how stoic his wife could be sometimes, so he would tell Reiner that the Lord has… her own way of showing her feelings, and even if she doesn’t openly display much enthusiasm, he’s sure she’d be proud of her boy. And that is all the reassurance little Reiner needed to hear to be happy, to have his father praise him in his mother’s place. It was a short-lived happiness, but it was genuine for as long as it lasted; until the delicate illusion that ever so gently and sweetly veiled the harsh truth was inevitably torn down and Reiner’s innocent little soul was no longer shielded from the woes of reality.

As soon as Reiner became old enough to start his rigorous training in both studies and fighting, he was no longer allowed to roam around freely as he wished. He had a schedule set for him, with little to no room for deviation. It was the standard operating procedure. Raskreia followed it in her youth, and so did the Previous Lord and the Lords before him. It was tradition. Reiner had to obey whether he liked it or not, as this was a mandatory obligation of a prince. Reiner was only 15 years old at this time, which is the equivalent of a human preschooler. As soon as Reiner had his 15th birthday, Raskreia decreed that it was time for him to begin his training as part of his Lord succession lessons. Reiner obeyed his Lord and did as she ordered, albeit a bit begrudgingly because he did not like idea of endlessly rotating between tutors and having to sit inside a boring classroom all day. He did make sure to not let his true feelings show, because Raskreia is his beloved mother, and above all else, he wanted to make her proud. As much as Reiner missed being able to roam around Lukedonia to interact with his people with all the free time he had, he was determined to do a good job at his mother’s assignments. He will study hard and not be distracted by anyone or anything. He even stood in front of a mirror, pointed to his own face, and made a promise to his reflection that he would do everything his Lord prepares for him. “Good job. You’re brave.” He said to himself. This was not an easy feat for Reiner, as he already knew how much he would crave being out there doing mundane tasks. But it was the right moment to put all of that behind. It took some time and a little bit a courage, but Reiner was ready. Now was the time to live up to his title of Prince of Lukedonia. Poor Reiner. In hindsight, perhaps it was too early, and he would’ve done better if he had more time to be a child instead of future Lord.

Reiner was not an academic genius, he was still better than average. Time proved that his efforts paid off. Little Reiner kept up with his tutors and went through piles after piles of books and papers. While he did not cruise through the material, he was able to make progress without falling behind Raskreia’s schedule for him. Reiner believed that he was pretty average though. Perhaps he was unaware of the fact that he was doing a very good job, given how strict his mother was regarding his education. At times, Reiner did feel the urge to zone out, count the tiles on the ceiling, daydream about being outside doing fun things with other people…etc. He even thought about skipping class because listening to his tutors’ voices echo in the study room was anything but interesting.

But Reiner had a lot of self-discipline. He did his best to not let himself be distracted, and he did a pretty good job. And if he doesn’t do it now, he’ll need to do it later anyway. Most of all, the Lord would be disappointed in him, and that was the last thing he wanted to see: his mother’s disheartened expression. He’ll make sure he does everything ordered of him, if that means he’ll get praise from her. Anything is welcome. Good job, you’ve worked hard, that’s my little boy. If the Lord praises him, maybe he can even stop daydreaming about his freedom. All these tedious tasks would then have meaning to them. But not once did the Lord drop by to check on her son’s progress. Little Reiner always had his eyes and ears on the windows and doors of his study room in anticipation of his mother’s arrival. Unfortunately, his wishes never came true. Each time his disappointment increased as the footsteps he so eagerly followed were revealed to have belonged to one of the Lord’s many assistants. Sure, the Lord sent them herself and they were tasked to check on their prince, but that doesn’t change the fact that they weren’t… her. He wanted to show his mother how much progress he made. Make her proud. Yet not once was she willing to come in person. And her assistants were not helpful either. They never praised Reiner for his work, only to take notes and report back to Raskreia if they came to the conclusion that Reiner was about to fall behind. That’s literally their job. They were in no place to interfere with their prince’s classes, even if he was only a small child who needed emotional support. Reiner started to feel trapped, and classes felt more like prison sentences than lessons.

Fortunately, Reiner’s training wasn’t all about pen on paper. Sparring lessons were like a breath of fresh air to him, and he always looked forward to meeting people on the training grounds. At least he didn’t have to sit still and listen to a tutor talk all day. He could actually interact with a “real” person out in the open, and he could stretch his limbs and move around to his satisfaction. How nice! As with Reiner’s academic skills, he was no fighting genius either. His grasp on his little wooden sword was wobbly and his swings were less than smooth. His aura conjuring was unstable and at times, it either dispersed completely or messily exploded. But with perseverance and effort, and lots of patience from his mentors, he was able to get a decent grasp on things fairly quickly. Raskreia assigned her most elite fighters to Reiner to help shape him into the impressive warrior he must become as part of his succession training. He had mentors who specialized in offense and defense, and some that specialized in being all-rounders. Reiner would begin to develop a very special way of defensive fighting. His mentors were very impressed with their young prince. And for Reiner, getting his clothes sweaty and his knuckles bloody was definitely more fun than watching a tutor talk all day. And unlike his tutors, his fighting mentors were much more enthusiastic and open to communication outside their spars rather than just deadpan reciting an old piece of history while refusing to have any small talk. His mentors were fun people. Reiner had a good time. But something still felt like it was missing. Like with Reiner’s daily academic checkpoints, the Lord’s assistants would also come to the training grounds to take notes on Reiner’s progress. They jot down something in a notebook, take a few glances at him, and they leave. Yet again, his mother was nowhere to be seen. She did not bother to come to see him recite a passage flawlessly, nor did she make an effort to watch him skillfully defend himself from a mentor’s forceful kick. Reiner’s mentors would notice his sudden mood switch and ask their prince what’s wrong, to which Reiner would always respond “nothing”. And now he has to clean up and go back indoors to finish his essay on Lukedonian history, before he can even get a chance to relax. Sigh.

Studying after sparring. Sparring after studying. Back and forth. For almost every single day. Reiner started to grow tired. But he never let himself relax. He pushed himself, and he consistently grinded through the challenges presented to him just like he had always been doing since Raskreia put him on this training regimen. His brain and body, one of them was always busy. Yet Raskreia was never absent from Reiner’s mind. Whenever he made progress, he always instinctively thought about her witnessing his good work. He sustained himself by coming up with and replaying imaginary scenes of his mother giving him the praise he deserves. The real deal never bothered anyway. She still relied on her assistants to monitor Reiner’s progress. As days went by, Reiner began to lose hope and he no longer anticipated his mother’s arrival and involvement in his training. Sometimes, it’d cross his mind, but then he’d shrug it off. Nope. Don’t think about it. It’ll just make him feel sad. Can’t give himself that false sense of hope. Fortunately, for him, his mother isn’t his only source of hope. One day, as his tutor announces that class is over, he hears some footsteps… and he senses something familiar. It isn’t his mother, nor is it one of her assistants. It’s… his father!! Little Reiner is more than overjoyed to have his father pick him up at the end of the day. Usually, the butler or one of the maids do it. Not today! At least Reiner can stop pouting for now. Razark would give his son praise and tell him he worked hard. This would soothe the faint, aching feeling in Reiner’s chest. While it did not substitute for affection from Raskreia, it was still better than nothing.

Not only was Razark more involved in Reiner’s early life, he pretty much remains as Reiner’s only parental figure throughout his son’s time in Lukedonia. Functionally, his role is pretty similar to that of single parent’s. Raskreia is simply too busy to be involved in Reiner’s life. She is Reiner’s biological mother, but she is also her people’s Lord. She had the duty to attend to her subjects. And… her son can get by without a mother present in his life, but Lukedonia can’t be without their Lord. That’s what her husband Razark is for. Right. She has him. He’ll be there for their son, in her place. And the title of Kertia Clan Leader now belongs to Rael, so Razark has all the time in the world for Reiner if he needs parental support. That’ll work. Their son would have company, and she could carry on with her duties as Lord. Surely that is the best arrangement. Or, at least that’s what the Lord thought. Logically, it made sense. Realistically? Asking her preschool-aged son to compromise probably wasn’t the fairest thing to do, but they had no other choice. And Razark, being the loyal husband he is, did as his wife suggested. And he did what a good father would. He monitored his son’s progress, played with him, and they talked about the old days. About that time when the traitor nobles invaded Lukedonia and how they ultimately fought them off with help from the noblesse, how the Lord stopped a missile with Rozaria-nim and Kei-nim, what his paternal grandfather Ragar was like, even funny stories about uncle Rael’s embarrassing shenanigans… they had a good time as father and son. It didn’t make up for Raskreia’s absence, but Reiner nonetheless appreciated his father’s efforts very much.

However, this did not stop young Reiner from asking his father questions about his mother. After all, she was still very much of an important presence in his life even if he wasn’t necessarily part of hers. He asked his father if the Lord didn’t like him, or that she was disappointed in him, like any child would if they felt like a parent didn’t want to be with them. Razark always reassured his son that the Lord loves him, but she is just too busy. Out of respect, Reiner does not press the matter any further. And their conversations always ended there. Did Razark manage to convince Reiner? No. As much as Reiner wanted to believe his father, he needed to witness it with his own eyes. Reiner loved Raskreia and he missed her. She was everywhere, yet she was also nowhere. She could be in the throne room discussing matters with her Clan Leaders, checking in on the coastal borders, on a diplomatic meeting with some humans or werewolves… if something needed her attention, she would always be on the way. And out of all those things, she couldn’t find time for her son. If Reiner was lucky, he got a short glimpse of his mother from below the balcony or through the window. His eyes follow her longingly, ever so hopeful that she would turn around and look at him just once. Yet she simply walked straight ahead and her back view vanished from his sight as she hurried to her next destination. Those few seconds would be the last of her that the young prince gets to see for a whole week.

Reiner refused to believe that this is how his life will be. If his mother didn’t come to him, then he will go to his mother. How will he make that happen then? Reiner obviously couldn’t ask his servants. The other Clan Leaders and nobles were in no position to authorize such a thing either. And his own father Razark seemed to avoid answering his questions that hinted towards wanting him to be the bridge for him to meet his mother. If he couldn’t get realistic help, then he’d come up with something on his own. Reiner pondered for some time. Then he came up with a genius idea. What he did not realize at this point was that this would go on to be a complete disaster and the first major traumatic event of his life that would permanently change him.

So Reiner snuck into one of Raskreia’s offices when she wasn’t there. Earlier, he happened to overhear one of her secretaries talk to a colleague about their Lord’s next meeting and the documents she had prepared for it. The perfect opportunity. With a bit of searching and standing on his little tiptoes, Reiner was able to find exactly what he was searching for. He took out the crayons he stuffed in his pockets and scribbled something on the papers. Then he carefully closed the documents and put them back where he found them, hoping that Raskreia would be overjoyed to see what he had prepared for her. And it’ll happen very soon, because she’ll be opening those documents for her next meeting. Reiner was very proud of himself. He left her office with a big smile on his face and went home in anticipation of good news.

The time came. The Lord summoned her subjects to their scheduled meeting and her secretary passed the documents into her hands. Raskreia opened the folder and… instead of words on paper, as it should’ve been, her eyes met a colorful scribbly mess. She was shocked and confused, and wondered who on earth dared to mess with the Lord. It couldn’t have been one of her secretaries or assistants, because they were dutiful and dared not to tamper with their Lord’s belongings, let alone meeting documents they knew their Lord had prepared to present. Then Raskreia took a closer look at the scribbles and finally pieced together what it attempts to depict. It was more than intentional, and the culprit did not mean to stay hidden at all. It was even a deliberate effort to catch her attention. Right there on the paper was a childish crayon drawing of three figures holding hands on a flower field, with “I love my family” and “I miss my Mama” written below. As badly drawn as it was, Raskreia had an idea of who these figures were meant to depict. The smaller one stood in the middle, smiling happily, and to his left a taller one, drawn with a black crayon. Then to his right an even taller one drawn in yellow. This was exactly what she suspected it to be. It had to be. The other nobles at the meeting were shocked as well, but before they could fully comprehend the situation, Raskreia’s aura suddenly exploded into the air like a shockwave and the office was heavy and drenched in her rage. The walls and ceiling began to shake and pieces fell to the ground where cracks had formed. All the nobles dared not to talk and nervously held their heads low in response to their Lord’s wrath. They were not sure if the Lord’s anger was directed at them. But Raskreia had someone else in mind, one she realized she had failed to discipline. …Reiner.

She immediately summoned her son through their mind link, but it was done so forcefully, all the nobles within a few kilometers heard her and felt her fearsome tone. And of course Reiner did not anticipate this reaction. He had imagined that if his mother does summon him, she would invite him in, give him praise, and hug him while telling him she’ll never leave him alone again, and from now on they’ll spend a lot of time together. He daydreamed that his little drawing would melt her heart and make her realize how much he loved her as her son, in hopes that she’d reciprocate his affection. Except… the final result was the complete opposite. The Lord was livid. Reiner dreaded the entire walk to his mother’s office, and he could feel his legs shaking and telling him to turn around and run away. He was panic-stricken, his fingers went cold and his limbs tensed up. Then he stepped into her office. There was no warm welcome, no greeting, no interaction between mother and son. Oddly enough, his mother did not reprimand him. There was nothing to break the dreadful silence in the room. And perhaps that silence was much worse than his mother yelling at him. Then Reiner’s memories blur. To this day, Reiner is not able to recall what happened after, as it was too traumatic for his little brain to fully process at that time. The only thing he can vividly recreate in his mind is the scene of a dark room. There was no sunlight, as the clouds had darkened, and candles blown out. And in the darkness, Reiner saw his own reflection inside two glowing crimson orbs of coldness and fury. His legs would not stop shaking despite his every effort to stay still in front his Lord. And then it hit him. In this moment, he was no longer her son. He was a criminal. Reiner can’t recall anything else. Or, maybe he doesn’t want to. Any attempt to do so would be a ruthless act of reopening the deep scar inside his little heart, and he doesn’t need to hurt himself any further. Perhaps he even tries to suppress this event to the best of his ability in an attempt to completely forget it, which he does to no avail.

Reiner’s memories only resume its tracks at him being punished to a week of solitude inside his room. Messing with the Lord’s belongings usually warrants a much harsher punishment, but Reiner was only a small child. Even a week of a being left alone was too harsh on him. But the Lord would not have it otherwise. And for the entire week, Reiner sulked and curled up in the corner. He didn’t even notice day and night passing by. Seven days felt like seven years. He did not understand why his mother was so angry. If fact, he had never seen his mother like this in his entire life. Reiner felt something for the first time. He had no place in her heart; of the one he loved so, so much. His mother wanted to disown him, and his Lord wanted to execute him. And of course that would be untrue and very delusional, because no Lord would ever do that over something so trivial. Reiner was just overthinking. But in the midst of the mess, that was all he could comprehend with his little mind. He will never be Raskreia’s priority. Compared to everything else she had to do, he was a nobody. Nothing. He was her subject, but he was no son to her. Lukedonia needed her, and he needed her as well. She chose the former. Then Reiner woke up from his illusions. She would never approve of him no matter how hard he tried. Receiving her unconditional love was just as much of a myth as humans dreamed of mermaids and dragons.

And for the first time in Reiner’s life, he cried. He sobbed. His wails echoed through his room, and no one was there to hear him. Then Reiner calmed down. Once again, Reiner stood in front of the mirror. This is the second promise he makes to himself. Except this time, he swore to himself that from now own, he will never call her his mother again. He can’t be greedy or selfish anymore. She will only be the Lord. His Lord. And he will be her subject. Nothing more. This would be the first and last time Reiner ever cries.

Reiner’s punishment came to an end when Razark unlocked and opened the door. Reiner could’ve broken himself out of solitude if that had been what he desired, but he was responsible and accepted his punishment. Furthermore, he would just upset his Lord again, and she’d have to punish him once more. Father and son did not greet each other verbally upon their meeting. Slowly, Razark approached his son, who sulked on the floor, and sat down next to him. He gently stroked Reiner’s head with one of his hands as he held something in the other. “This is for you, my son. Do you want to take a look?” He said in a soft voice, and his low-spirited son lifted his head slowly. Razark passed the box to Reiner. It was a plain, black box. Reiner opened the box and he was greeted by a small handwritten card inside that read “To Aretis Verja Di Reiner”. It was his Lord’s handwriting. Reiner carefully picked up the card and flipped it over, but he found no other text. It was just his name. Then Razark gestured to his son to take a look at the content. Inside the box were two items.

The first item was a thick envelope that held many copies of the same form. Reiner took one out and read it carefully. It was a form for an official request to meet the Lord in person. The standard procedure. This was Raskreia’s way of telling her son that if he wanted to meet her, he had to submit a request just like everyone else to ask for her audience. Essentially, Raskreia was reminding her son that he was no exception, even if he’s the prince. But this was also an invitation, in a sense. Reiner, albeit in a less desirable manner, had successfully conveyed to Raskreia that he wanted more private time with her as her son. And Raskreia responded, even if it she did it in a confusing way. She basically reached out Reiner from her end. Sure, it was strange, but it sure was something. A proof of her efforts. If Reiner wanted to spent time with the Lord, he could fill out a form and deliver it to one of her secretaries, and they would then add it to one of her many piles of forms to approve. If she approves Reiner’s request, he will get a chance to meet her. What an overcomplicated and unnecessary process of parent-child bonding.

The second item was a toy. It was a small, fluffy black teddy bear with red gems embedded into its eyes. Reiner was perplexed. Was this… Raskreia’s attempt to apologize to him? He could not be certain, but he had a feeling that Raskreia intended for this to be her substitute for when she isn’t around. This teddy bear was to serve as her replacement for when he missed her. Reiner was not sure on how this was supposed to make him feel. He doesn’t even like teddy bears, or toys in general. So far the Lord had spent so little time with him in his life, she wasn’t even aware of his preferences for things. Still, this teddy bear had a very significant meaning to it, as it was the first gift his Lord had ever given him. It was an item with great sentimental value, despite being one laced with sorrow and regret. To this day, Reiner has this teddy bear stored inside a thrice secured display cabinet inside his room. It sits inside a sturdy glass case, fixed with a complicated maze lock, all encased inside a layer of Ludis’ special barrier charm. It will never leave his residence, let alone his room. Every now and then, Reiner would take it out to play with it, and lock it back up when he’s done. The maids are not allowed to go near the cabinet, as Reiner stated that he will do the cleaning it himself. They would stay loyal to this order of his even after his departure from Lukedonia. Funny enough, Reiner never names this teddy bear, probably in fear that it would come alive if he did.

We move on from Reiner’s early childhood to his teen years and early adulthood. Reiner attends his lessons as usual, and performs his duties as prince. But before we dive into that part of his story, I want to talk about the deal with his parents first.

Raskreia. Truth is, Reiner is not entirely correct with his assumptions about what his existence means to his mother. In fact, he is very wrong. It is not his fault either, because anyone would’ve guessed something similar if they were in his shoes. Raskreia does genuinely love her son. She has loved Reiner since he was born, and she still loves him after his eventual departure from Lukedonia. He has always been her little one, and he’ll always be. He has a permanent place in her heart. But Raskreia also struggles to express herself. This is Raskreia’s biggest flaw as a parent. Raskreia’s sense of pride and the need to uphold her position as Lord even with her family hurts her relationship with her son very much. Just as much as her son misses her, she misses her son. The feeling was mutual, yet Raskreia never acted upon it. She couldn’t. She had a standard she had to uphold as Lord, and that is to stay faithful to her duties and to not let herself be distracted by other elements, especially considering all the mess they and the noblesse had to deal with in the past millennia. They had to stay alert, and Raskreia as Lord was busier than ever. She must lead her people and respond to them in a timely manner. She had to be professional, even if it means ignoring her own son unless he has a dire emergency, which he does not. At least from her perspective. Reiner is more desperate than ever.

Raskreia simply could not dedicate time to her son on a regular basis. That’s why the request-to-meet forms are there for him. She cannot promise him her guaranteed presence, but she’d approve of it when she can. Maybe thirty minutes at a time. That is her limit. Maybe twenty, or ten, if she really can’t squeeze more in. Occasionally, she’d have an hour for him, though that is an extremely rare luxury.

And… She needs to prepare her son for the position of Lord. Yes, Reiner has a family, but most importantly, he has a duty to all the nobles in this land who will require his leadership one day. He does not have an option. This is the fate that he is destined to carry on his shoulders since his birth. It wasn’t Reiner’s fault for being a needy child, a normal child who needed love and affection to thrive. Except Reiner is also Lukedonia’s prince. He needs to learn to put his personal needs below the duties to which he is tied, even if it means setting his own important feelings aside. That is an essential skill a Lord’s successor needs to master. Raskreia can’t just grant her son’s every wish. She doesn’t shut him out completely, but she also keeps some distance from him. She can’t let him be too attached to her, as that would be unfavorable in the long run for him as future Lord. She will only respond to him when he asks for her, but she’ll never be the first one the reach out if he doesn’t ask. It would be cruel to Reiner if he got to see his mother as often as he liked while knowing that he has to detach himself from her one day.

Regarding the doodle incident, Raskreia was actually… touched by her son’s efforts, as a mother. She understood her son’s love for her. But as Lord, she couldn’t show it. She had to maintain her professionalism. What was seemingly a touching gift from son to mother, was in reality a very disrespectful disruption of her work. Little Reiner trespassed, and vandalized official documents. As touched as she was, she couldn’t encourage that behavior. It just wasn’t acceptable. She had to address the situation and issue her son’s punishments accordingly. Everything was decided by the book. She had to show her fellow nobles that she was fair, and that she does not condone misbehavior from anyone. Their Prince was no exception. That is all.

What they do not know is that Raskreia didn’t dispose of those documents. In fact, she has them locked away somewhere with a protection charm to keep the crayon’s colors from fading over time. She had to be angry with him, but… she treasured this gesture as well. Every now and then, she’d take out the drawing and stare at it, and then lock it back up. You can say that they really are mother and son, despite their challenges and differences.

Raskreia would continue to remain mostly uninvolved in Reiner’s live for as long as he’s still in Lukedonia. The two of them would go on to never resolve their issues verbally, and despite their love for one another, the miscommunication and misunderstandings would only continue to snowball into bigger messes. Their relationship is very, very strained but neither wants to be the first to initiate a reconciliation, nor is any one of them willing to let go of their own sense pride. Deep down, both of them yearn for each other’s love so, so much, but their own issues mixed together with reluctancy on certain things just makes matters worse.

Razark. Reiner’s functionally “only” parental figure in his life, and the healthier one of the two that he technically has. He’s actively involved in Reiner’s life as his father and mentor, as he’s free thanks to passing his title (and soul weapon) to Rael. He entertains and keeps Reiner company. He’s really trying his best to be Reiner’s father. Except… Razark’s efforts has its limits. In fact, the older Reiner gets, the less helpful Razark is and he actually starts to hurt his son unintentionally, with Reiner eventually losing trust in not only his mother and Lord, but in his father as well. Yeah. It’s angsty. We’ll have to look into Razark’s relationship with Raskreia for an answer. The two of them are a loving couple, even if they don’t appear such way in public. As emotionless as their faces may be, they are quite affectionate when they’re by themselves. People just don’t get to see this side of them. Razark’s official title is the Lord’s spouse. He is a responsible husband who takes care of their son, and manages the household in Raskreia’s place. But he is also Raskreia’s subject. One of her many, many subjects. The nobles are all loyal to her. Amongst them, Razark stands out as exceptionally loyal. Maybe even too loyal. And this loyalty would prove to be detrimental to their son. You see, Razark enables Raskreia’s behavior, even if he himself is unaware of it. Not once had he attempted to intervene Raskreia’s way of “parenting” their son. Giving her suggestions, telling her what she’s lacking, encouraging her to see their son more often, reminding her that their son is still their son before he is the prince, etc… none of that. As a husband and father, it would be logical for him to do that. As a subject, that would be questioning his Lord’s decisions with her heir. Not their son, but her heir, and that would be mighty disrespectful. And it’s not that Razark is refraining from communicating with her. These things simply never crossed Razark’s mind. His blinding loyalty to his wife and Lord means that he never questions any of her decisions, including ones involving their son. He will stand by Raskreia’s beliefs, because she is always right. She is their Lord, after all. And the Lord is meant to be followed without question. You can assume how this goes. Razark is supportive of his son, but he never tries to get Raskreia to notice him more. He knows that Reiner is lonely, but never addresses the direct cause of his unhappiness. All these years, he never stood up for Reiner, even when he very much should’ve. Always on the sidelines, watching Raskreia handle their son as she pleased. In a way, Razark is just as guilty as Raskreia. He put his Lord before his son, even if he is oblivious to this fact. He just deals with the aftermath regarding Reiner, and never takes on the role of actively supporting Reiner by being the change his son needs. And Reiner could not ask his father to help him, as he was in no place to challenge his father’s loyalty and decision to unconditionally follow their Lord.

At this point, Reiner doesn’t know if he trusts his parents anymore. He still loves them very much, but he can’t put his full trust in them. This love would go on to be very twisted, especially for his mother. Reiner loves her just as much as he loathes her. As for Razark, Reiner is grateful to him for being the father who raised him, but he is also disappointed in him for never standing up to his mother for him. He does feel like his father betrayed him, in a sense. Poor boy.

Back to a now older teen/young adult Reiner. Reiner is busy with lessons and successor training as usual. He has a lot less free time than other nobles of the same age, but he still has some to himself. Despite Reiner’s wounds from his parents and rather unideal childhood, he is still the kind and generous child he has always been. He still helps ordinary nobles with their mundane tasks, and enjoys interacting with them. His passion in people miraculously stayed unaffected despite his circumstances. Because Reiner is so busy, he shows up less frequently. Nevertheless, he manages to not miss out on being there for his people because he promised that he’ll come. The nobles are extremely honored and grateful that their prince makes an effort to interact with them despite being so busy, in awe that he insists on dedicating the remainder of his scarce free time to them. He probably has much more important matters to attend to, they think. But what they don’t know is that mingling with his people is his passion and, ultimately, what it means to be prince. The current Lord goes around to assigning tasks to people and they are meant to follow her without question. And Reiner? He believes he should be one of his people. Not as future Lord, not as Prince Reiner, but just Reiner. He is in a position higher than any of them, and for this exact reason, he is also responsible for their well being. That means doing so by walking along the ordinary people to understand what they really need in life, and not by sitting on the throne giving order after order. To Reiner, the position of Lord is more symbolic than it is technical. That is why Reiner is so active with doing good for the community.

Unfortunately, it is time for Reiner’s lessons to be taken to a further step. Raskreia updates her son’s training regimen and his lessons are even longer and more intense than before. In addition to individual tutors teaching him different subjects, he is now also obliged to attend lessons aimed at simulating real-life Lord meetings, tasks, and discussions. Basically, he has a seminar group assigned to him, with all of his mentors carefully hand-picked by none other than the Lord herself. The roster is made up of her most loyal followers whom she trusts to shape Reiner into the Lord she thinks he needs to be. This is Raskreia saying that Reiner is ready to move onto the next phase of his life. Reiner is not too happy about this change, but he follows the Lord’s orders without complaints. He doesn’t appreciate how her assistants now follow him around even during his free time to remind him that it is time for him to go back indoors to attend his lessons. He can tell time by himself; he doesn’t need the Lord’s little lackeys to interrupt him when he’s washing herbs and have them drag him out of the garden while telling him that he’ll be late if he doesn’t leave soon, and that princes do not engage themselves in such shallow matters. Sigh. The Lord is so overbearing even when she isn’t here.

Reiner is back indoors and ready for his mock conference. His mentors have high expectations for him, as he had shown that he is capable of academic success through his childhood accomplishments. Except this is where things don’t go smoothly anymore. His mentors would present him with hypothetical scenarios and ask him what he would do, and Reiner’s answers always contradicted what was expected of him. He told them that the throne is meant to be shared, and it did not belong to one person just because they were born into the position. He argued that the throne should only be a symbol of leadership and not a source of power that lets one decide the fates of others, and that people should get to decide on things as a group. Not just Clan Leaders, but ordinary people as well. This would confuse his mentors very much, and Reiner would explain to them that a healthy nation does not let the decision of one overshadow the decision of all others. His mentors were in disbelief, and scolded their prince for playing a humorless prank during such a formal lesson. Unfortunately for them, Reiner is dead serious. They don’t believe him. No one wants to listen to him. It makes sense. They are the Lord’s loyalists, after all. They aren’t having it otherwise. They seem to be satisfied when Reiner gives them the standard answer, the one they want to hear. So they’re not here for discussion, they’re just here to put words into his mouth, Reiner thinks. But Reiner knows better than to argue with them, so he stops speaking for himself, and submits to the suffocating echo chamber. His unhappiness and frustration intensified. So did his resentment towards the stubborn Lukedonian laws and traditions. His bitterness towards the system would plant a seed of rebellion in his heart that he himself did not even realize was growing inside of him.

Things weren’t any better on the training grounds. From Raskreia’s assistants’ judgement of Reiner’s progress, he leaned too much towards defensive fighting. In other words, he was lacking in offense. But that is just how Reiner fights, and it comes most naturally to him. The Lord thinks otherwise. So, she pulls out his mentors who specialized in defense and replaces them with offensive fighters. They are faster, more aggressive, and do not hesitate to land unforgiving blows on their prince. This transition was a little too abrupt for Reiner, as he had almost no room to allow himself to get used to this new type of fighting. His new mentors are also much less lenient than his old mentors. They are much harsher with Reiner’s perceived lack of improvement. This would lead to the second major traumatic event in Reiner’s life, where he fails a fighting test and gets pushed too much and ends up almost dying from his wounds. Healers from the Volo Clan had to be called in to address his injuries. As Reiner laid down on the ground groaning in pain, one of the Lord’s assistants monitoring the training grounds simply walked over, and in an flat tone, informed their prince that “The Lord intends to remind you that in a real battleground, not only would your enemies not spare you, they would also kill you.” Wow. How cold. Not even a word of care or concern. As usual, the Lord doesn’t bother to show up to check in on her severely injured son. This would only go on to twist Reiner’s view of the Lord even more. He continues to suppress his feelings and follows her orders without question. He changes his fighting style to be more offensive even if it is difficult and unnatural for him.

He won’t say anything. He can’t say anything. He has to be a good son and a good prince. If following in his Lord’s footsteps is his destiny then… he’ll do so. He won’t ask questions anymore. He’ll stop resisting.

His Lord’s wish is his command.

For this reason, Reiner never brings up any of his concerns during his one-to-one meetings with Raskreia, the “submit a request and wait for approval” mother-son bonding time. The two of them would just awkwardly sit across from each other. Just silence. Occasionally, they’d talk about the weather. But that’s it. Reiner also finds it hard to look at the Lord in the eyes, so he just looks to the ground, only meeting her eye to eye when he answers one of her boring, awkward questions. And they’d continue to sit like that, until time is over and Raskreia has other guests to see. Reiner would always leave feeling bitter. Yet he never stops submitting his request forms, because that would mean that he had given up on facing her and that he had lost his battle with himself. He’s not afraid of her. Nope. Impossible. What a spectacular, twisted love and sense of pride.

As time went on, Reiner started to feel numb. He stops standing up for himself. He simply does what is asked of him. Only a husk of him remains now. Even his passion in his people started to dwindle. He still loves them with all his heart, and wants to be a part of them very badly, but his energy levels are no longer enough to sustain himself. Reiner is being drained from the inside out, and he could feel the few remaining ounces of motivation slowly leave his body. He wants to care, but can’t care anymore. He doesn’t even care about himself; what does he have to spare for the others?

Reiner has finally cracked from the pressure of being the perfect prince.

Gradually, Reiner’s progress slowed down. He still shows up to all his lessons, but he can’t quite keep up with the pace anymore. He really is trying his best. He’s doing everything correctly, yet he’s failing. Reiner is depressed. As usual, Raskreia’s assistants report back to her. Her response? Tells him to pick himself back up and return to normal. A future Lord does not have time for this. The Lord doesn’t care, she never has, she never will, Reiner thinks. Raskreia’s way is easier said than done. Reiner is already very stressed out. His Lord is only adding fuel to fire.

Reiner develops many unhealthy habits as a response to stress.

He pulls his hair out when he feels nervous. He’d run his fingers through his hair, twirl around for a bit, and yank on it forcefully. It hurt, but the pain eased his anxiety a little.

Reiner also started to talk to himself. A lot. He’d talk to himself when he’s studying, when he’s running errands, when he’s sitting still… he just couldn’t be left alone with himself. He is unable to be at peace with his own presence, and has to fill the empty space with his voice. The silence was too heavy as if it would crush him. The things he says are mostly self-deprecating phrases. Not smart enough, not fast enough, not strong enough. Too weak, both physically and emotionally. Too easy to fall under pressure. Can’t handle anything. Reiner constantly belittles himself. Again, it barely eases his discomfort.

Sometimes Reiner would also stand in front a mirror and tell himself to cry. Crying makes people feel better, he says. Try it. He’d lean forward so his forehead presses against the mirror. No matter how hard he stares at his reflection or how much he shames himself for not being able to be honest with himself, the tears just won’t come out. And he’d try and try and try and fail every single time. He’s too tired to even cry.

Reiner is also constantly in pain. His neck, shoulders, arms… his entire body is constantly aching. His muscles hurt. This is caused by him not being able to relax. He’s always alert and anxious, as if the Lord is behind his back watching his every move. He has to stay in posture, to be respectful and to not be a disappointment. It doesn’t help when Reiner would sometimes even hear her voice inside his head telling him that he’s a failure of a prince, and that Lukedonia cannot be entrusted to him. Shut up, shut up, please leave me alone, Reiner dreads. Inaudible painful whimpers would make their way out despite Reiner clenching his jaw as hard as he can as to seal away his sorrow.

Reiner’s would-be paranoia also lead him to suppressing his aura routinely. He doesn’t even realize he is doing this. It’s not perfect, but it’s enough for him to go unnoticed by your average noble in an average situation. He’s of the Lord’s lineage, so of course by nature he has a very strong aura. To Reiner, this is a curse. It’s like blasting his arrival, wherever he goes, on loud speakers. So he does as he needs to counter that. The only thing he wants to do now is to lie low and stay unnoticed. He doesn’t want to draw any attention to him. Even positive attention is undesirable. Reiner’s subconscious wants to make himself as small as possible as part of his defense mechanism. Unfortunately for him, he is still detectable, and he has to maintain his weak, forced smile in public. Doesn’t help that Raskreia has now assigned him to greet werewolf and human diplomats as part of his new duties as a public figure. It is nothing but torture to Reiner.

Reiner’s free time is now spent either alone and locked up in his room, repeating self-deprecating phrases over and over to himself, or he’s with his maternal grandmother Desdemona. Only she truly understands him. But even she chooses to lurk in the shadows, so she can’t keep him company unless he goes to her. At this point, Reiner is reluctant to spend time even with Razark, because he’d just be reminded that this man is his mother’s enabler. Razark doesn’t understand why his son is not enthusiastic about father-son bonding anymore. Reiner would just tell him that he’s busy with studies. To be honest, he can’t stand his father.

Reiner also can’t stand his mother. His paranoia worsens. The thought of her alone is enough to send him into a panic attack. Like Reiner has always done, he doesn’t seek help from anyone. He just locks himself up until he calms down. Poor Reiner doesn’t know how to ask for help.

As soon as Reiner became old enough to have to some power over the household, the first thing he ordered was to renovate everything he owned. His study, his bedroom, etc. Everything that reminded him of his Lord, his classrooms, and general sources of discomfort, were to be thrown out or torn down and rebuilt from scratch. Even just seeing the same wallpaper pattern is enough to cause a panic attack. Reiner still has to go outside to attend class and perform his duties, but at least he doesn’t have to be reminded of them when he’s at home.

Reiner ordered his servants to burn everything they threw out and tore down. He wanted no trace of any of it. Curiously, the teddy bear his Lord gave him in his childhood was spared. Reiner precisely ordered them to leave it alone. That stays. Everything else goes.

Renovating his surroundings would only help to a certain extent. It did not remove the source of his pain, to his dismay.

Reiner is dying. He is alive, but his soul feels like it is disintegrating. He doesn’t even know who he is anymore.

One faithful day, on one of Reiner’s temporary escapes from reality, he visits Grandma Desdemona who lurked in the shadows. She suggests to him the option of leaving Lukedonia permanently. Huh. That’s impossible. It’ll be a huge crime and act of betrayal. Grandma just shrugs and says you won’t know what’s best for you unless you try. Reiner pretends that he didn’t hear anything. But this single piece of seemingly absurd and impossible suggestion would be an important catalyst to his ultimate choice. Remember the seed of rebellion inside his heart? Mhm.

Reiner can’t get Mona’s words out of his head. Whenever he’s in a difficult situation, he’d think about it. He would still hear Raskreia’s voice in his head due to his paranoia, but her voice would be overridden by that of his grandmother’s. “You can always leave this place.” She says. With repetition, the impossible becomes possible. Soon enough, Reiner was considering leaving his home forever. To the unknown, to faraway land. He feared the possibilities, but he was also hopeful. He hadn’t felt hope since his childhood. Then Reiner realized that he didn’t have to figuratively kill himself to become the Lord everyone expects him to.

And what does being Lord even mean to Reiner? Once he becomes Lord, he’ll be permanently separated from his people by an intangible barrier. He’ll no longer be Reiner, and he’ll only be known as the Lord. No more being with the people. He’ll be imprisoned to his throne for all eternity, until his hypothetical future heir is old enough for him to abdicate or he enters eternal sleep. To his core, Reiner believed in a democracy. It didn’t matter if none of his Lord ancestors established one. Someone needs to be the change. The first. And he doesn’t want to wait until Raskreia steps down to see this happen. Perhaps due to Reiner’s now realistic option of leaving Lukedonia, he is more daring. His childhood dreams and passions felt like they have returned, and though not to their full extent, it was the push he needed.

Then Reiner decided. He doesn’t want to be “Lord” anymore. He doesn’t want to be Prince. He doesn’t even want to be Reiner anymore. If giving up his identity means that he could have one single shot at changing Lukedonia, he’d risk it. If he can’t have a democracy, then he doesn’t want any of this. This land and everything he had ever known since his birth… he’d give it up. Reiner already has a very estranged relationship with Raskreia, and there is no hope for reconciliation despite their love for one another. It has to be him, or her. This land cannot tolerate both of them at once.

It took Reiner centuries of preparation, from Mona’s initial suggestion to his final decision. Most of this time was spent saying goodbye to everything he loved. The grass, the trees, the mountains. He’ll miss the way seasons change. The blooming flowers, the falling snow. The way sunrise illuminated and colored the land. The way the sea reflected the beautiful moon. The singing birds, the fluttering butterflies. It’ll never be the same outside Lukedonia. And… the people. His family. His friends. His acquaintances. It brings him great sorrow to think that he’ll have to part from all of them, and that he’ll never get to see any of them again for all of eternity. He’ll never stop loving them no matter how hard he tries to put his love for them to an end. As soon as he thinks he has gotten over them, his emotions flow back. This just makes him want to cry, despite being unable to.

Razark is glad that his son seems to feel a bit better. After all, Reiner went on walks more often and started hanging out with people again. He looked like he was returning to his old self. What Razark does not realize is that this sudden boost of optimism is his son saying his last goodbyes to his home.

No one realized.

To say that everyone in Lukedonia totally agrees with Raskreia would be false. Of course, they have to look like they agree with her, at least on the surface. She is their Lord, and they have to live as she intends them to. This is what Reiner doesn’t like. His vision of an ideal Lukedonia is one where no one is afraid to speak their mind, where everyone could have input on how to live. The title of Lord is only there for symbolic and spiritual reasons. Reiner wanted freedom for everyone. Freedom to live as they wish, freedom to enter and leave Lukedonia as they please, freedom to not be held back by the decisions of a single person… Reiner can only dream about it. Reiner knew how his people felt. He isn’t the only one with depression and anxiety. While many are indeed satisfied with life here, some thought otherwise. Reiner spent time with them, got their trust, and they talked to him. Reiner asked them why they didn’t pursue the things that they wanted to, and they always answered “Because it’s just how it is.” Who gets to say anyway?

So Reiner went around and asked more questions. Soon, he was certain that many of them felt exactly the same way. If he’s going to give it a shot, he might as well do his best and gather all the resources he can find. Reiner needed supporters to back him up. Even if his chance of changing Raskreia’s mind is near 0%, it could help. Who knows. Nobody knows for sure. But it was an option. Reiner worked hard to gather people who were seemingly willing to support his cause. They all agreed with his ideals and dreams. However, Reiner does not tell them that he plans to enter the throne room and give a speech in front of the Lord and her audience, at least not until a few hours prior. Everyone who initially agreed with him suddenly panicked. This was far too aggressive and rebellious. Unlike Reiner, they had more important things to lose. They did not expect Reiner to be so upfront about his attempt to change Raskreia’s mind. Then… his supporters left. They apologized, told him this was impossible, and disappeared in a hurry. To be labeled as a traitor was the last thing they wanted. All of a sudden, Reiner was alone again. But it was too late go back on his plans. Reiner is determined, and he is going to get this done regardless of whether he had supporters or not.

So it will be done. Reiner takes a deep breath, and straightens his back. He walks towards the throne room steadily. He is afraid, yes, but he is dedicated to his cause. Nothing will stop him now. He pushes open the door and barges into the throne room despite the guards begging him not to, and interrupts Raskreia and her nobles. The throne room went silent. Then, Reiner gives his speech. After his closing sentence trailed off, no one reacted. Then, Raskreia’s voice breaks the silence, just as everyone dreaded her reaction. Curiously, she does not arrest Reiner on the spot, nor does she order him to apologize to her this instant. She orders him to go back to his residence immediately, and to not leave until she comes to him. They will have a very long discussion there. For now, no more words shall be spoken in the throne room.

And this is when Reiner knew he failed. The Lord kept calm for the sake of her audience. He knows that look on her face. Those same eyes. Reiner could feel the world collapse on him. So his one shot failed, he thinks. But it’s alright. He saw this coming. He shouldn’t have expected anything anyway.

Reiner tells Lord he’d obey her wishes for him to wait for her to come to him. Raskreia’s guards come to escort him out of the throne him and they are about to deliver him to his residence. Except Reiner asks the Lord for one last favor. He wishes to meet his grandmother before he goes back to his residence. Oddly, Raskreia does not refuse this request, and grants him permission. Reiner would then go to say his goodbyes to Mona while the guards waited outside. That is where she gives him her magic ring, and then they part for good.

Reiner is escorted to his room. But he’s not done. He would proceed to disobey Raskreia one last time. As soon as he got a cue from her alliance, he acted right away. Grandma Mona is more than smart enough to sneak Reiner out of Lukedonia without Raskreia knowing, and she has her own group of followers. Even if Mona doesn’t tell Reiner exactly what will happen, she gives him a few clues. This is his chance to leave. After bypassing Raskreia’s guards, Reiner runs through the forest, and through the mountains. Mona had cleared the path for him. No guards in sight. Then he reaches the border at the sea, where he confirms that a small portion of Lukedonia’s barrier had been deactivated in a timely manner, and it will close up very soon. Reiner runs towards the opening at full speed and… it’s been done. He’s done. He’s no longer in Lukedonia. He ran, and he ran, and he ran. He does not look back. He can’t look back.

And into the horizon he vanished.

It didn’t take long for Raskreia to realize that her son had run away. She immediately dispatches a search party to go after him. Then Raskreia summons everyone in the most urgent manner, and announces that Reiner is now a traitor to Lukedonia, and that he is being hunted after. If anyone spots him, they need to deliver him to her immediately. They cannot hide him or assist him in evading her, unless they want to be labeled as a traitor as well. She then issues the most severe punishment to her son, for abandoning his identity as future Lord, and for betraying her. He had multiple treason accusations on him. There was no expression on Raskreia’s face as she uttered everyone’s most dreaded words: death penalty.

For this first time ever, Razark broke down into a sob. No one had ever seen him cry before, until this moment. He couldn’t control himself anymore. After Raskreia dispersed the crowd, he went to her crying and begging for her to rescind her prosecution of their son. There just has to be another way. She can’t kill their boy. Raskreia said nothing. She did not even look at her husband in the eye as his sobs echoed through the room. Her decision was final. There is no going back. According to tradition, this is the punishment for Reiner’s crime. Her opinion did not matter. From this moment, he was no longer her son. He was a runaway prince. A fugitive. A criminal.

Raskreia and Razark did not speak to each other for weeks to come.

Truth is, Raskreia sentencing Reiner after he runs away from Lukedonia doesn’t hurt her any less than it hurt Razark. She is just as devastated as he is. Reiner left her with no choice but to carry out Lukedonia’s laws as they had been written since the beginning of time. As a mother, she did not wish to sentence him. As the Lord, she had no choice. She could not show her turmoil to anyone, not even her own husband. She must keep her composure and remain calm despite total chaos. If she showed any signs of hesitation, she would fail as Lord.

On the one hand, Raskreia’s end goal is to catch Reiner so he meets the fate he deserves. On the other hand, she hopes that Reiner will run far, far away; so far away she will never catch him for all eternity. She needed to execute the traitor and former Prince Reiner, but she wanted Reiner to live. The thought of executing her own son tormented her more than anyone else; her little boy whom she had neglected all these years. The best she can do is to pray that her search party never finds Reiner, despite being the one who is sending them after him. May the two of them never meet again.

“Regrets are an extravagant emotion to me.” As the noblesse once said.

To this day, Raskreia visits her father’s grave every so often and asks for his forgiveness on what she had done, and wishes that Reiner eventually finds his peace.

And that’s the end! Woohoo! There’s a lot more to come, and I’ll leave that to future posts. This includes Raegyn’s deal with Reiner, Garyth’s crush on Reiner, and much more. My prince boy is just so angsty lol.

A small spoiler for now: Reiner currently lives with his distant cousin Oswald Kravei. So fun!

Thank you for reading, and stay tuned for the next long character post!

See you again!

[foolsocracy]

I can't help but notice you haven't posted any angst in a while and I'm suspicious

whipped this one up just for u anon

[piko-power]

My Personal Headcanon On Why Amy's Love For Sonic Died Down Lately (and their dynamic)

When they were younger, Amy's love for Sonic was pretty extreme, and Sonic was, understandable, uncomfortable for the most part. He knows she means well, but that girl needs to calm down.

She can fight, but sometimes her hammer could only stun her enemies for a while. (It took her a long time to get rid of that robot that has been chasing her around Station Square.) She wasn't fully independent yet, even if she fought on her own a couple of times.

She often follows Sonic and his friends around. She is part of the team, but she was not a strong as she is now at the time yet.

She admires Sonic. A LOT. And Sonic knows that. Obviously, he could only run away from something like that, since he is NOT ready for that kind of thing, and whether Amy takes the hint or stop, she still loves him.

...BUT, I think things were slightly starting to change between her and Sonic after Lost World.

Remember this line?

You remember that? Okay, okay. Here's another totally unrelated question:

Before the events of Lost World, when was the last time Amy said "I love you" to Sonic out loud?

...YEP. 😈 (Unless I'm missing something, let me know lmao)

As more games and adventures come out, the characters get slightly older, and Amy is 12 to 13 now, and she is most certainly at that age where her body starts to change, but especially on how she views Sonic.

She knows she loves Sonic, but it was this moment during her change where she actually wanted to admit that she loves him.

I believe that Amy was all about sharing her affection to him not through confessions, but through obvious hints. Sonic totally got it, and there was no need to confess. Sonic knows she loves her.

...But she never said it. And she almost did, but she never did again for a while.

I think this was the moment in her life where, oh, God, she actually loves Sonic. SHE LOVES HIM, WHAT.

And she was looking back at all the times she had with Sonic that she can now see were unpleasant to Sonic (At least that's what she thinks) and that's probably why she isn't so expressive about her love to him than how she used to back then.

She wasn't sure what to do with this realization, and sets aside it for a while, and nearly stayed as her casual, peppy self... until the Eggman War happened.

During the 6 months of being with the Resistance, fighting Eggman's army all day and all night, all she can think of was Sonic.

She dreams that he still with not just her, but with her friends. She just wanted to see Sonic again, she just wants to be with her hero again.

But I'd like to think that she was also thinking about how she used to treat Sonic back when they were younger, how Sonic would almost always run away from her whenever she asks him out, or always look so uncomfortable whenever she gets so close to him.

Cringing at those memories big time, she wanted to change and hopefully when Sonic is okay and comes back, she can be better for him.

...Or will he still find her uncomfortable regardless? Would he even be happy to see her at all if he did survive?

But, hold on! She can't just give up her love for Sonic! He made her who she is today! A peppy, nature-loving, hammer-swinging, confident, brave... loud-mouth... annoying... Sonic obsessed... weak... pathetic... lonely little girl.

If she gives up on Sonic, it'll be like she gave up on the one hedgehog who saved her life. If she didn't she'll still be the same ol' Amy.

I also like to think she had parents a long while before she met Sonic, and was even expecting a little sister, but a robot invasion happened from where she was and attacked her parents and instead of trying to save them, after getting hurt, she ran away, hoping that they'll come back okay. But they never did.

She was all alone, and needed someone, a friend, a new family, someone who will hold her hand, anyone, to be there for her. But she was ignored by lots, and at that point, she's better off by herself, but still longed for company.

Eventually though, her tarot cards told her her future hero, and there might be hope after all. She encountered Sonic, held onto the belief of the cards tight, and the rest is history.

So, with that headcanon in mind, not only did Amy loose her parents that she didn't save because of her cowardliness (she was only so little at the time that happened) and also Sonic, who she thought will be her only hope, but now gone.

She doesn't even care if he did come back, he'd probably hate her now after everything she did to him, always talking about their "future wedding" or forcing him to go to Twinkle Park.

For the last few months of the war, it was nothing but Amy mentally beating herself up for either refusing to change or moving on, and they are both not fine choices.

She loves Sonic, but he does not love her, and she finally, finally realized it. And it's probably for the best if no body loved her at all.

But of course Sonic did survive and all of her worries wash away in an instant, she's just not expressive about her love for Sonic AT ALL now, since she's still worried about it but rather not mention it to Sonic because it doesn't matter.

If Sonic doesn't love her, then her feelings don't matter to him, and according to Amy herself, that is okay.

But also, I'd like to think that Sonic was thinking about his friends a lot up in the Death Egg for the past months, sometimes it's Tails (worried for his safety), sometimes it's Shadow (because he's wondering why he would join Eggman.) At some point, for a few days, Amy was in his mind the longest, and he felt bad about how he thought he was rude and pushy to her.

He wondered if she's not thinking about it too much, and if she is, will she give up on him? Yeah, he doesn't feel the same and still not looking for a relationship, but it's so strange but interesting how anyone could ever like someone like Sonic the Hedgehog. Amy was never afraid to show that, and she probably might be now.

He couldn't help but feel guilty. They were kids when she was like this, but he was so... arrogant at the time too. Not a lot happened at the time yet. He'd always have trouble expressing how much he value his friends, until he shattered the Paradox Prism. (I'd like to think Prime took place before Forces. It makes sense.)

She is such a sweet girl, and he probably made her believe that he didn't care for her. Just because he doesn't feel the same, that doesn't mean he hates her at all.

He wished he never ran away from Amy... Worrying for his little bro and wishing to be a good person for Amy was when Sonic cried in the Death Egg for the first and only time.

Frontiers, in my opinion, is kind of confirming their dynamic now. Sonic is a lot more sincere and kinder to Amy and she is not all hyperactive and lovey to Sonic. There is probably a real reason for this now.

They are both hiding their feelings from them, and they are both unaware of this. Amy, hiding her mental issues from Sonic, and Sonic, hiding his guilt away from Amy.

None of those things are important now. Sonic is with Amy and Amy is with Sonic. They are here with each other. They can be finally be better for each other now.

They don't care if they'll ever be something more when they get older. None of that matters anymore. They are here with each other. They can be finally be better for each other now.

Maybe someday they'll both talk about it, but for now, the present is important. They care about each other too much to think about it right now.

It's the kind of love that is unbreakable. It doesn't even have to be romantic. It's just love. Love is important for everyone, in any form. It's something Sonic and his friends need. And especially Sonic and Amy.

Amy Rose is the living embodiment of love, and without her, a lot would go downhill for Sonic and co. Heck, if it weren't for her, Shadow wouldn't have never remembered Maria's promise, which lead him to save the world with Sonic, before he temporarily disappeared from their lives for a while.

She is always there to lend a helping hand for anybody, even bad guys like Metal Sonic, and despite what she had been through, both in Forces and headcanon wise, she still fights back, even without her hammer.

She will pick you back up on your feet, reminding you that you are important and that you are loved, and that you should never give up. It's pretty much the words of encouragement she herself needed also...

She is still the happy, hyper, butt-kicking hedgehog we all know and love, but she still need someone to pick her back up on her feet after so long. Thankfully, she has her friends and her blue hero. The hero who made her who she is today.

I think Amy has no idea how important she thought she is, but Sonic does. Sonic knows fully well how important she is to a lot of people. It's about time he returns the favor to her. It's his turn to remind her how much a lot of people love her.

How much he loves her.

And I feel like The Murder of Sonic the Hedgehog was the moment where their dynamic really shined, but also the starting point of their relationship not only healing, but also the next chapter of what's to come for them.

Everyone, friends old and new, gathered around for a special birthday. A birthday for the confident, unshakable, and radiant Amy Rose.

It was such a special moment in Amy's life. After years of chasing and following the people she look up to, she is part of the team, but most importantly, she is part of the family.

She is fully realized as someone more than just a fangirl, but someone strong, courageous, creative, kind and a big inspiration for others.

I feel like this moment here...

-is where Amy is eternally grateful to call her friends her family. A family she thought she'll never have again. She's not alone anymore, and as long as they're by her side, she'll never will be again.

Her chasing days are over. She's finally caught up to them. She's finally home.

And it's all thanks to Sonic.

If it weren't for him, she'd probably be alone forever. Her past moments with Sonic might be embarrassing to look back on for a while, but they are good memories regardless, because they involve him.

Sonic saved her life in more ways than one, and despite everything, he's grateful to have her too.

He cares about her. He really does... And in her eyes, that all she needed to know. As long as Sonic loves her in his own way, she'll be happy.

Amy hasn't given up on Sonic. As long as Amy always supports him, he'll be happy.

Maybe sometime in the future, they can talk about their problems, but that's a story for another time. At this point, they need to. Right now, they are happy. They are okay.

They are here for each other. They are finally better for each other now.

"You guys won't ever leave me, right?"

"Wouldn't dream of it."

[sodafrog13]

younger butch (idiot)/older femme (into that) is like S tier combo to me

also some little things that i liked + alt sweetheart thoughts under the cut:

[chibipandaao3]

I’m still writing this thing — how am I writing it? Why am I writing it 😆 I’ve never written something like this before 😂 probably doing a horrible job.

[sysig]

Roleswap(?) (Patreon)

[infinitelystrangemachinex]

Mel for the unhinged character bingo!

yessss YEEEESSSSSSSSS

[pixiemage]

i have a headcanon that tango and jimmy have tk be careful not to spend to much consecutive time together because if they do, jimmy could get a sunburn. the only time they can be together for hours is when they’re sleeping because then tango’s flames are calm and low enough to not hurt jimmy

Thanks, it hurts, I hate it

I'm revoking your ability to create new headcanons and I'm taking away your Rancher dolls until you learn how to treat them nicely again 😤

[mobius-m-mobius]

(I'm so sorry for this but) in a roundabout way don't you think Loki taking the brunt of the fall-and-slide off the time runway a foreshadow for him taking the brunt of holding onto the entire multiverse so his new boy best friend can continue to exist? And the fact that he re-materialized and slammed all the way into Mobius' arms really cemented the fact that he was timeslipping back to him the whole time??

Oh no please don't be sorry anon, if anything Lokius angst is probably fueling at least 97.2% of my existence at this point so by all means keep it coming 😂

And yes, I was just thinking about this the other day!! Tbh the first ep of S2 is full of foreshadowing about Loki's fate (most notably the sheets of paper that cover enough of the TVA logo to spell “Time Author” when he's looking for a time stick in the future TVA to get back to Mobius) and it's definitely not a coincidence all the time Mobius spent in S1 fighting to give Loki the chance to be whoever he wanted essentially manifested in Loki realizing what he wants is to be someone there for Mobius in the same way which we see in his every action afterwards.

Then there's Loki's timeslipping which is SUCH a cool visual impact but also just satisfyingly obvious which is probably the main reason I love it, lol. How unbelievably telling that at first when it happens as Loki's anxiety or nervousness builds he's only able to take better control after following the trail of getting back to Mobius then even more so after Mobius physically and emotionally grounds him. Then of course when A.D. Doug explains if Loki focuses on what he "needs" he can control his timeslipping, that's why his reply of needing to save the TVA doesn't activate anything until he gives in to what he *personally* needs first and foremost which is to get back to Don and figure out how to give Mobius the choices he was never afforded upon creation, only to end up doing so in a way that took away the one thing Mobius did want and now here we are 😔

[waywardsalt]

Hi! I hope you’re doing good in life! So it’s spooky season so I have an ask related to that. I don’t know if you play horror video games, watch horror movies/shows, or read horror books, but if you do, I have to ask: What is the most disturbing book, or video game or show/movie that you’ve played/watched/read? In my opinion, there is two types of horror: the ones that scare you, and the ones that traumatize you. If you can think of any book, movie, or game that really kind of fucked you up, I’m curious to know if you feel like answering. I hope you have a good day and a good life.

Hey, I’m doing good and I hope you are too!

the answer ended up being really long lol

Woof, this is honestly a pretty hard question, since I can't really name any horror (or otherwise) media that actually left me kind of fucked up for a bit, at least not to the degree where it affected me for a while. I probably haven't been really fucked up by anything since I was a kid, so I'll try and recall what a few things fucked me up back then...

Off the top of my head I know that two different spongebob episodes got me bad, the first being one with that tunnel of love thing (tho tbh i havent seen it in a while so it might still spook me today) and the one where i'm pretty sure for whatever reason squidward gets locked in some small locker and has some kind of fucked up dream, whatever that was. I remember there was an eagle in that one. the eagle terrified me. (i looked them up, and the first episode is titled 'tunnel of glove' and the second is 'squidward in clarinetland'. with how badly that second one got to me, i'm surprised i ended up learning to play the clarinet at all)

other than that, i think the courage the cowardly dog episode 'the house of discontent' got me pretty bad, too, but i think everyone who saw any amount of that series as a kid has at least one episode that got them fucked up.

there's probably a handful of scooby-doo stuff that got to me when i was a kid, but i could not name any specifics (asides from charlie the robot's original episode, christ) because i think i managed to see just about every bit of available scooby media around that time.

nowadays stuff still does kinda fuck me up, but it's usually only for brief bits of time. the most recent example I can think of is cowboy bebop's 20's episode, pierrot le fou, which is honestly some great horror, especially how it uses the show's typical format and flips it on it's head, but i wouldn't necessarily say it got to me because of it being scary, more because of the way the ending disturbed me for a bit. it was the only episode that had me stop afterwards and really look into it for anything other than clarifying a character's gender, lol.

the endings of both neon genesis evangelion and end of evangelion had me shaken, the latter more so than the former, but not really due to horror aspects, though. i did have to take a walk after finishing end of evangelion. i don't really watch horror movies, i just... read the wikipedia plot descriptions of them.

honestly, i think some of the more popular youtube analogue horror series have gotten to me worse (likely due to the fact that they can get a bit more fucked up than, say, a tv show or movie), specifically the walten files (which i did watch) and the mandela catalogue (which i just watched wendigoon's vids on), and those two and mostly because facial distortion is generally just an incredibly effective form of horror imo. a lot of the time (esp with the childhood examples) the way i was 'fucked up' was that id be in be visualizing the stuff that scared me, and both the mandela catalogue and the walten files had me doing that for a bit.

now that i remember it, i was really scared of fnaf when it first came out. i first learned of it second-hand from seeing some other kids looking into it, and the bits and pieces i put together about it really scared me.

honestly, it's usually straight-up disturbing sequences or imagery that gets to me the most, and i know my limits well enough to generally identify and avoid that stuff, which is probably why i don't have too many recent examples. i've got one or two examples of non-horror movies that fucked me up as a kid, but that's mostly because they were wildly inappropriate for someone of my age (at the time) to be witnessing, so that's a different sort of topic.

i mean, i think i generally have a decent tolerance for fucked up stuff in media, anyways, i mean, i enjoy berserk and haven't really been too upset or disturbed by what happens in it (look theres some nasty shit in there im not saying its not that bad) so there's definitionally some kind of line that media needs to cross to really get to me nowadays, or it just needs to be a specific kind of fucked up. books generally don't do that for me so i don't have any book examples. no games, either, though shadow mario and the haunted house segments in super mario 3d world scared me so much that i had to make my mom do the levels for me, and i'm pretty sure scooby doo: first frights scared me a bit when i first played it on ds.

other than that, though, I just think that, in pokemon x, the story that an npc tells you during your first trip to route 14 and then the strange office building encounter with the animation-less hex maniac creeped me out pretty bad.

yeah, it's kind of hard for me to think of anything (recent) that actually really fucked me up or anything. most stuff just scared me, never really fucked me up or figuratively traumatized me in recent years.

[blackcatanna]

I've never really done my own personal art work (as in, not for a company) with the intention of showing it to an audience and I'm really shocked by how quickly my mood will shift from, "Oh, this is great and I'm loving where this is going! Can't wait to share it!" to, "OH DEAR GOD HOW CAN I EVER THINK OF SHARING THIS TRASH WITH ANYONE? I MUST FIX IT! HOW CAN I FIX IT? I LACK THE SKILLS! THERE'S SO MUCH WRONG WITH THIS. MAYBE IF I OBSESS OVER IT FOR HOURS, I CAN MAKE THE PROBLEMS DISAPPEAR AND ONLY THEN CAN I BE RID OF THIS DEEP, CRIPPLING SHAME," while working.

I thought I'd share in case any other artist people can relate because I feel like a lot of artists on social media maintain this veneer of effortless perfection. Really pisses me off when people post a beautiful, coloured, shaded, fully rendered illustration with perfect line art and then the caption is something like, "Just a quick doodle :P "

...like... bitch, that is not what a doodle is! Doodles can be really amazing and beautiful but don't call a finished illustration a doodle to minimise the amount of effort you put in. It creates a culture where it becomes shameful to put effort into things and makes other artists feel shit.

I want being proud of your art (or any work) and the effort you put in (even if it's turned out kinda "bad") to be normalised more, I think. It's weird to me that I take way more psychic damage from art social media than regular social media...

Maybe I care more about likes and stuff than I thought and would admit to myself, too... Like, maybe if my art got more than, like, 2 likes on tumblr then the psychic damage from exposing myself on social media would be healed by that sweet sweet positive engagement serotonin... I really hate to think that, though, because chasing social media approval is a dark path I don't want to go down... X_X

Anyway, yeah, this rant got out of hand! I think it's important for me to acknowledge and explore my own insecurities for the sake of my mental health and if anyone else can relate then know that you are not alone!

And if anyone is reading this and wants advice on how to banish the insecurity demons, I find that the best way is to spend time with other artists. Interact with them as human beans! Share struggles with each other! I always come away feeling better after spending time with my artist friends, ESPECIALLY ones who are amazing and successful because they face so many of the same issues as little old me. They're not some faceless deity shitting out flawless images and then depreciating them with dismissive captions.

[fluffypotatey]

What's your favorite type of soulmate au? Mine is the Soulmate Goose of Enforcement just because I almost die from laughter everytime. I also read a really good soulmate au once where a person's arm had images that symbolized important events/interests of your soulmate and that changed as your soulmate changed too

ok so i do kinda like the soulmate AUs that mix every type of soulmate gimmick together bc it just adds to the world building and the diversity of stories you can get and shows how diverse love is itself with other people and— ugh, so good 😍

but if i had to choose…….

i’m going with the red string theory 🥰 (who’s surprised, raise your hands) just because 1) the art is *CHEF’S KISS SO FUCKING GOOD* just delish, ESPECIALLY IF THEY ALWRAP THE THREAD AROUND THE SHIP’S THROAT THAT IS THE GOOD SHIT RIGHT THERE—

2) i also really like how it’s a subtle kind of thing. you feel it’s tugging but the string isn’t pulling you to your soulmate.

also, there was this one fic i read (years ago in high school) where it applied the red string of fate, and while nobody in the fic could see their string, they could see the rings around their fingers like a tattoo! however, they wouldn’t know who their soulmates were (in the fic people have many soulmates and even have their rings color coded like dam) until making it physical contact with them.

ngl it was that fic that got me hooked to the concept of the red string of fate. I always enjoyed the trope of soulmates and this love has evolved to more than just the romantic kind of concept and it’s just nice have some kind of assurance that the people you meet and somehow click with we’re always meant to happen. like, in a cosmic “Destiny” kind of way, ya know?

[lokissweater]

“i love you and i love you.” ᡣ𐭩

{yuta okkotsu x f!reader}

summary: yuta okkotsu has been hopelessly in love with you since he was fifteen. you, his muse and his reason to live as you took care of him growing up more than anyone else in his life. in fear of breaking your best friend pact and losing you entirely, yuta swallows his feelings for the sake of keeping you in his life, but he can only take so much.

warnings: college au, friends to best friends to lovers trope, lowkey ooc yuta oops, mentions of underage drinking, hopelessly devoted and lovesick yuta for reader, cursing!!! both reader and yuta cuss lol, lots and lots of fluff, ANGST, afab!reader, use of y/n, pet names, no smut in this one! slight sexual themes, reader is older than yuta by two years.

word count: 8.7k

authors note: YAAALLL i actually poured my heart and soul out into this one so i really hope it reaches your heart and soul as well! it is so so cute and i had so much fun writing it. this is definitely not the end of this au! i plan to write more short stories that take place after this one :) mwah.

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yuta was thirteen years old when he first saw you.

you were a casual friend of his older brother who had invited his entire group of friends over for a thanksgiving feast reunion amongst yourselves. yuta stayed locked in his room for the most part, from time to time lazily making his way down the halls and through the kitchen where you all sat to get a glass of water for himself, silently savoring at the food on the table.

eventually you had picked up on his lame attempts of coming into the kitchen for random excuses, concluding that he just wanted to gawk at the food and maybe score a bite or two of the pumpkin pie drenched in whipped cream, sitting pretty and proud in the middle of the table.

but after various unsuccessful attempts and various defeated stomps down the hall and back to his room after every shoo from his brother, he knew he wasn’t going to get even a lick. at the end of the night when the group settled down and many began to take their leave, yuta made his way back down one more time in search of any lucky scraps left behind.

but what he found instead was you, standing in the kitchen with a white porcelain plate in your hands, a slice of pumpkin pie drenched in whipped cream sitting pretty in the middle.

“for you,” you had said calmly, plate outstretched, beckoning him to take it. “i saw you come down a few times looking at it, and i think whoever brought it is taking the rest of it back home, so here.”

yuta had never spoken to a girl before, much less a fifteen year old one with the sweetest smile he had ever seen in his life on her face, but he timidly and awkwardly took the smooth plate from your offering hands, and muttered a squeaky thank you before stumbling down the hall and slamming his bedroom door shut.

from then on, yuta looked forward to the next time his brother would have his friends over, nagging at him constantly with questions of when, and even going as far as to straight up planning the hangouts himself (the location of all of them being at their house of course), but his brother would only shove him out of his room and lock the door shut.

luckily for yuta his wish was granted, and his curious eyes saw you around a lot more often than not, and you gradually became a close friend of yuta’s brother instead of just casual one. every time you came over to his house, you always greeted him with the biggest smile on your face before going into his brother’s room with the rest of the group. and over time, your greetings to yuta went from sweet smiles, to pats on the head, to ruffling up his hair occasionally, and to his personal favorite, the side hug.

you always were around in yuta’s growing life and always made sure he had gotten something to eat that day, or if he had a ride to soccer practice, or if his phone had enough battery to last him through his tutoring sessions, or even if he had someone going to watch his soccer games in the mornings (which was never).

yuta was fifteen when he realized he liked you.

“so no one is going?” you asked sharply, “again?”

yuta shrugged. “its at eight o’ clock in the morning. i don’t expect anyone to, not even you-“

“well i’m going,” you said simply, putting the rest of your textbooks away in your locker and slamming it shut. “geez not even your brother goes to your games? i’m gonna yell at him later.”

“it’s fine.” yuta shook his head and gave you a small smile, his insides twisting and contorting with an overwhelming boy crush for you. “a lot of my teammates parents don’t go either, usually only to the first two of the season.”

but not you. you went every single time, even going as far as dragging his brother with you so he could have family there to watch him play. yuta always made sure to turn and raise a hand to you from across the field, waving it side to side before getting back in the game, his heart thumping wildly in his chest with an insane sense of adrenaline to do good on the field and show off— because you were watching.

yuta was still fifteen when he realized you liked his brother.

firstly, he felt utterly stupid for not picking up on it before. yuta was always too busy staring at you and memorizing every inch and detail of your face to realize that you were looking at his brother the same way yuta looked at you. he was too busy running around in soccer fields and eating the ham sandwiches you always made for him after practices to realize how red your face would get when you sat next to his brother during his games, or when you gave him sandwiches. yuta was too busy drooling over you in his mind that sometimes you wouldn’t even notice him waving at you from across the field like he always did, your eyes trained on his brother instead, that sweet smile he was all too familiar with shining for someone else.

it wasn’t fair. it wasn’t fair at all. yuta felt like his brother always got everything and he always ended up with scraps. yuta never got a friend group like his, or a stellar reputation in a sport like he did, or people at his beck and call everywhere he went, or nominations for pointless shit like homecoming king.

but yuta didn’t give a flying fuck about any of that. he didn’t want any of that. he wanted you. just you.

but he couldn’t have you.

yuta was sixteen when he realized he was in love with you.

he had been for a while actually, and he knew it, but the thought alone of you liking his stupid brother only fueled the fire of denial to save himself from getting hurt more than he already was.

but it was absolutely pouring rain that day, his tutoring session having been cancelled last minute due to the weather, and because of this he had no ride home and no umbrella to even attempt at walking home, not that he could anyways seeing as it would take him thirty minutes to do so. yuta absolutely could not take that chance. he had his laptop in his backpack with all of his school work, and worst of all, his final project that he had been working on since the beginning of the school year, a precious green portfolio filled with notes worth more than gold to him.

yuta grumbled as he scuffed his feet against the concrete at the front of his school under a rooftop, lips pressed into a thin line in annoyance. his parents were at work, there was no way they could just drop everything and go to him (not that they would anyways), and his brother was too busy hanging out with you doing god knows what at god knows where— so even calling you was out of the picture.

at the mere thought of you hanging out with his brother, he sighed softly, sadly, and slumped down on a blue bench with his cold hands stuffed into the pockets of his jacket, eyes trained to the ground.

heavy pit pats of rain smacked against the ground as he sat there in thought, the sounds of cars zooming down the wet streets as the only source of life around besides himself, seeing as it was already late in the day and everybody else had gone home. without him even noticing, the front doors beside him creaked open as he sat there grumbling.

“yuta?”

his head snapped up upon hearing your pretty voice call out to him, his eyes wide as he saw you standing there with an umbrella.

“what are you doing here?” he asked softly, standing up. yuta looked at you then and noticed your eyes were red and tired, and a shock of worry shot up his spine.

“i was-”

“are you okay?” he asked quickly. “your eyes are red.”

“oh really?” you mumbled, rubbing your eyes with your palm, waving him off. “it’s nothing, i didn’t even notice.”

he pursed his lips, concern written all over his face as he took in your defeated expression, but before he could press any further, you spoke again.

“why aren’t you in tutoring?”

“oh they cancelled last minute,” he stuffed his hands further into his jacket and looked to the side. “i don’t have a ride home now because of it, and i can’t even walk home because it’s raining hard as fuck and i have my laptop in my backpack.”

you hummed in understanding, and even though it looked like the worst possible thing ever just happened to you, you gave him that same sweet smile he craved every time he saw you. “let’s walk to your house together. i have an umbrella we can try and fit under.”

he looked at you incredulously. “no no! it’s okay! you live down the street i don’t want to make you walk thirty minutes in the rain with me and thirty back-”

“it’s okay!” you laughed. “i would never leave you here by yourself yu, you know that.”

oh how he loved when you called him that.

his shoulders slowly relaxed, a wobbly cute smile spreading across his face, his cheeks a fuzzy pink. “okay.”

you walked together in a comfortable silence, your little umbrella just barely covering the both of you and yuta’s cheeks were still an intense pinky shade due to the close proximity, his steamy breath basically fanning the side of your ear as he huddled close to you.

after a few minutes spent walking on the sidewalk, yuta spoke up again.

“why are your eyes red?”

you immediately froze, but relaxed quickly.

“just tired s’all,” you responded weakly, but the little wobbling of your bottom lip told him otherwise.

yuta slowly lifted his hand and reached out, placing it softly on top of yours and clenching over the stem of the umbrella. the action caused you both to stop walking, your curious eyes snapping to his.

his palm felt like it was on absolute fire at the feeling of your soft hand under his, yuta’s breath trembling as he breathed out.

he swallowed. “can you please tell me why.”

your eyes flooded with tears then, and you shut them tightly as you dropped your forehead solemnly to rest against his shoulder, your frame shaking with quiet sobs escaping your lips.

yuta’s eyes softened and he quickly took the umbrella from you, wrapping his arms around your shoulders in a tight hug. his heart thumped so hard against his chest that he could hear it ringing through his ears.

he patted the back of your head gently. “what happened? what’s going on?”

you shook your head against his chest.

“y/n..” he sighed worriedly, running a soothing hand over your shaking back now.

“i have a crush on your brother,” you sobbed.

he knew. god he knew. but hearing you say it out loud broke his heart ten times more than it did when he found out on his own.

yuta slightly pulled back, bending his knees a little to look at you at eye level, his hand on your shoulder.

“i know.”

your eyebrows furrowed, more silent tears spilling from your eyes. “you know?”

yuta nodded, smiling sadly at you as he wiped your tears with his thumb, your eyes closing as he did so. “i spend almost every second of my life with you, of course i know. i noticed.”

you sniffed.

“weren’t you just with him now?” he asked.

your eyes shut tightly again, eyebrows contorted in pain as you nodded. “i confessed to him. i wanted to tell him before we graduated next month.”

you lifted your hands and covered your face, sobbing into them. “i’ve loved him since middle school.”

loved?

yuta’s shoulders slumped as he stared straight ahead, feeling like he wanted to crawl into a deep dark hole and stay there.

“he-“ you hiccuped. “he rejected me.”

his head snapped down immediately, eyebrows furrowing in a mix of disbelief and anger. “huh? he rejected you?”

you nodded, dropping your hands from your eyes and burying your head in his chest.

“why? what did he say?”

“he said he didn’t feel the same way—” you stopped for a moment to even out your breaths. “and that he was sorry.”

yuta scoffed, shaking his head. “what a big fucking loser.”

you snorted at that, and he looked down at you fondly, relieved you laughed.

“he… he thanked me for everything that i’ve done for your family though, especially you.”

he stayed silent.

“he said he was thankful that i was like another sibling for you, and that i took care of you.”

another sibling?

yuta didn’t say anything, that phrase like a slash through his heart while he still thought about how much of a fucking idiot he was to reject you. you, out of anyone deserved to get everything you wanted. you were selfless, incredibly sweet, the most gorgeous human being to ever walk this earth, and you had done so much for everyone that you neglected your own needs all of the time.

how could he not love you back? how could his brother not see the angel in his life that loved him, that sentiment alone an absolute privilege to have? something he would kill for?

yuta knew he shouldn’t make this about himself. he knew you were absolutely hurting and heartbroken, but he just had to know. it was eating him alive inside and out and over and over again as he kept thinking about it.

“is that how you see me?”

“hu-huh?” you hiccuped, picking your head up from his chest to look at him.

“as another sibling. is that how you see me?”

you blinked up at him, your eyes trailing over his furrowed eyebrows and worried gaze, and you hesitated for a moment, not knowing exactly why.

but you nodded, slowly. “you’re my best friend, yu. you’re not just anyone to me i care a lot about you. more than most people in my life.”

for a moment, yuta looked at you blankly, his mind unable to properly register your words. he didn’t know whether he wanted to cry, call up his brother and yell at him, kiss you, or run away.

a part of him knew that too, that you only saw him as a sibling. but like everything else in his life, he buried it down and chose to pretend like it didn’t exist for the sake of his heart.

but regardless of you not returning his feelings, he would rather be something to you than nothing at all. he would rather make some type of difference in your life and have a special spot, than be an absolute nobody to you.

so he smiled. he smiled with soft sad eyes and nodded, pulling you back in and resting his cheek against the top of your head. “you’re my best friend too.”

yuta didn’t see you around much at his house after that, which he understood.

but you still texted yuta everyday and hung out with him sometimes at school, and you still went to his games and practices and made him ham sandwiches after, and you still gave him that sweet smile he loved so so much.

but he never missed how sad you got around his brother, even at the mere mention of him. he never missed how your eyes stayed glued to the ground or had a far off look to them, your arms wrapped around yourself with a safe distance between you both.

when you graduated high school, yuta was a brat the entire ceremony. he was pissed. so pissed that you were two years older than him and that he wasn’t going to see your pretty self around school anymore, which was pretty much the only reason he tolerated it in the first place.

but when your graduating class threw their caps up into the air and his family went down to congratulate his brother, yuta made a beeline for you instead.

and behind that scowl on his face that he had the entire day, his eyes were glossy.

yuta never cried.

when you noticed, your shoulders instantly dropped and you ran to his open arms, practically throwing yourself on him. “yuuu! don’t cry for me!”

“who said i’m crying?” yuta grumbled into your shoulder.

you pulled back and smiled at him, “i’m gonna miss you the most.”

yuta smiled, but then faltered, and a sliver of fear shot up his spine. was this the last time he was going to see you? was this the start of you both slowly distancing, and then ultimately falling apart? were you still going to call him and text him everyday?

as if you could sense his fear, you quickly shook your head. “you’re literally stuck with me for life. you will never find another best friend to replace me, you got it?”

you waved your little index finger at him sternly, and yuta laughed. “i got it.”

yuta was nineteen when he almost kissed you.

after you graduated high school, luckily you went to a college that was only about a thirty minute drive from his place. you were still in yuta’s life, if not way more than it was before, which he thanked his lucky stars for. you went from being a best friend of his brothers, to being only his best friend, as you and his brother didn’t really talk anymore after high school.

and to that, yuta was happy.

and when he graduated high school, you of course were there, crying and pinching his cheeks and hugging him so tight his back cracked a little bit.

he didn’t go to the same college you did (although he definitely tried but didn’t get in) and went to one that was about forty five minutes away from home, one he commuted to everyday like you did for yours.

you both got so much closer that you obliviously acted like a couple, when you weren’t. yuta would pick you up from class and drive you to lunch, pay for all of your meals and anything you practically wanted despite you fighting him every time on it. he would kiss your forehead and your cheek and throw his arm around your shoulder when you walked, he would call you baby and compliment you every single day, and he would sleep over at your house almost all of the time, your head on his chest and his arm wrapped around your torso.

he knew best friends weren’t really supposed to act like this, but did you? you both had grown so accustomed to it that it wasn’t a weird thing for you both, but the constant questions from your mutual friends or even each others parents was a dead giveaway that it in fact, was not how best friends were supposed to act.

but neither of you seemed to care.

“stop moving yu!” you whispered harshly as you applied an aloe vera mud mask to his face. yuta snickered, dodging your fingers every time they came close to applying the mask, with the only reason he was doing it being because it made you laugh.

you were both sat on your fluffy pink rug in the middle of your room in your pajamas, surrounded by all of your skincare essentials and even the fancy products you only pulled out on special occasions. it was one in the morning at this point and you both were still up, trying to keep your laughter to a minimum in attempts at not waking up your parents downstairs.

“baby this stuff smells kind of funky,” he commented as you applied some to his cheek.

“the funkier the better,” you responded, focused. “kind of smells like you.”

he pinched your side and you giggled, flinching away. “i’m kidding! i’m almost done, don’t move.”

yuta listened and stayed still, watching your concentrated pretty face that was practically inches away from his as you applied the mask to the rest of his face, his poor heart almost giving out.

once you were done, you smiled triumphantly and wiped your fingers with a warm damp towel. “all done!”

yuta smiled fondly at you and kissed your cheek. “thanks. is this what you put on every night?”

you shook your head, “not every night, only when i want my skin to look extra good for special occasions.”

“which is..?”

“it’s usually when you invite me over to your family events or when we eat dinner at that one really nice place by your school.”

yuta stopped at that and he felt his heart clench at your words. he didn’t know why and he usually didn’t let it, but his mind was making him believe that maybe…

no.

he relaxed again, humming in acknowledgement. you picked up a circular pink little tub compartment thing and unscrewed the cap, dipping your ring finger in the shimmery product.

“what’s that?” he asked softly, nodding his head to it.

“it’s my lip scrub!” you responded enthusiastically, lifting your ring finger and scooting closer to him. his eyes looked straight at you as you slid your finger over his lips. “it has kind of like a rough texture, it’s supposed to exfoliate your lips and make them really soft.”

his cheeks slowly turned pink, his eyes trailing down to your lips as you sat back, finished.

“here— put some on me now so you can feel what i’m talking about,” you handed him the little tub and he dipped his index finger in, swallowing the lump in his throat.

he timidly lifted his hand and pressed his finger to your waiting perfect lips, softly and gently running the product on your bottom lip before going to the top, his eyes mesmerized and nearly drooling.

yuta was practically tracing you, wanting to burn forever the shape of your mouth into his brain to remember for the rest of his life, wanting nothing more than to press his lips on yours.

but he inhaled sharply and quickly dropped his hand. “i’m finished.”

you pressed your lips together and spread the product around, “did you feel it?”

he shakily nodded, wiping his finger on the warm damp towel before handing it over for you to do the same.

you held up a corner of the towel to his lips and gently wiped the scrub away, “and now they’re soft.”

you passed the towel back over to him, and you sat back, eagerly waiting for him to do the same.

yuta swallowed again and mimicked you, except he was much slower, much more gentle over your plush lips as he subconsciously leaned closer to you that by the time he was done, his nose almost bumped with yours.

with eyes half lidded, he stared at your lips in a daze, licking his bottom lip slightly as you looked at him with wide eyes. he wanted to, so badly, to just grab your face and press your lips together, to pour the love he’s had for you for the past four years out and cherish you with everything that he has.

“yu?” you spoke softly, your voice barely above a whisper, your breath fanning against his lips.

his eyes immediately snapped to yours and he flinched back like a deer in headlights. “so— so when do i take this off?” he pointed to his face. “the mud mask.. when does it come off?”

you looked at him curiously, your eyebrows slightly pinched together as you tried to make sense of what was happening, if anything even really happened.

“almost..” you responded, unfocused. “in about five minutes.”

yuta quickly nodded and pressed his lips into a thin line, his hands clenched so hard into tight fists that his knuckles turned white.

he couldn’t look you in the eye. what the fuck was he doing? he was going to scare you away if he kept doing things like this, if he kept almost slipping up and doing something that could jeopardize your friendship with him.

your trust.

you nudged his shoulder with your finger, and he finally looked at you.

“is the face mask bothering you that much?” you said with a silly smile, and yuta physically deflated, affection pumping through his system.

“no baby,” he shook his head. “i like it! i think i should keep it on for the rest of the night and go to class with it tomorrow morning.”

you snorted and shook your head, “don’t be mean.”

he raised his hands up frantically, “i’m not! you think everybody has the privilege of getting a free facial by their pretty best friend?” he held up his index finger and wiggled it side to side. “i don’t think so.”

you giggled, so much, and grabbed the warm damp towel again, scooting closer to him by your knees. you began wiping away the mask on his face, being careful of not going too rough in fear of accidentally irritating and hurting him. yuta held you by the hips, assisting in keeping your balance and rubbing little circles into your stomach with his thumbs.

your cheeks went a little pink after a bit.

as the rest of the night went on, and when you both finally settled into bed facing each other— his hand on the side of your hip, you softly traced the rather dark bags under his eyes and frowned.

“you need to get more sleep, yu. i think you’ve had these bags since you were fifteen.”

“it’s because i always grind so i can buy you a big white house with a wiener dog and a picket fence.”

you laughed a little too loud and slapped a hand over your mouth, leaning forward and resting your forehead against his as your shoulders shook. when you settled down, you removed your hand and smiled sweetly.

“only if the house comes with you.”

yuta’s breath hitched, and his eyes searched yours desperately, for any indication that maybe, just maybe, you…

no.

“what… you want me as a roommate?”

you playfully rolled your eyes and gently shoved his shoulder.

yuta was twenty years old when he confessed to you.

it was also the first big fight you guys ever had in your entire years of knowing each other.

your relationship stayed the same, two peas in a little pod through college that never seemed to go to one place without the other, so much so that when you did, people would often ask where the other half was. he loved it. he loved you so much, and he found it harder and harder and more heart breaking for him as the years went by watching you not be his in any way shape or form.

every time he visited your campus or went with you to your college parties, he noticed the lurking eyes it seemed like every guy had on you everywhere you went, and it agitated yuta more than anything else. he was still a stubborn brat, and instead of doing something about it and maybe telling you how he feels, he just endures the pain and scowls at their glances, leading you through crowds by the hand or by the small of your back.

he never really indulged in the traditional college experience like you did, and never ever talked to any other girl besides you. he never wanted to or had any interest in doing so, regardless of you returning his feelings or not. you also never really talked to any other guy besides yuta or made any mention of your dating life, people mostly assuming you both were.

yuta weaved through the crowd, trying to spot a place for the both of you to sit while you went to get drinks from the kitchen. upon finally breaking free from the pile of dancing sweaty bodies, he recognized one of your girl friends and a couple of others sitting on a long lounge sofa, her eyes perking up.

“y/n’s boyfriend! you came?”

he stopped a bit, then smiled wide.

“yeah! she’s in the kitchen now by the way, she’ll be over here in a second.”

and when you did come over, already a bit tipsy from the line of shots you got pulled into while getting drinks, you walked over to where yuta sat while greeting your friends, handing him a red solo cup. and instead of sitting in the spot yuta had saved for you right beside him, you settled neatly on his lap.

his eyes nearly bulged out of their eye sockets as you swung an arm around his shoulders for support and made yourself comfortable. you had never done something like this, and he swallowed the huge lump in his throat as trembling hands settled around your waist and over your lap. his arm tingled with the feeling of your thighs underneath, afraid to put his hands anywhere near them in fear of making you uncomfortable or accidentally grabbing your face and making out with you.

but the chance of that happening wasn’t anywhere near impossible, as he was already tipsy by his drink and his hand was already gently caressing over the skin of your soft plush thighs.

best friends don’t do things like this.

and he did not give a single fuck.

your boobs were practically shoved up in his face, his pinky cheeks absolutely blazing as his eyes darted to every corner of the house and anywhere else that wasn’t your tits, his lips itching to feel, to taste.

the night progressed and the both of you got increasingly more and more drunk, clinging on to each other on the couch or stumbling through the house, laughing when one of you would trip and almost face plant on the hardwood floors, leaning on to each other for support.

“your boyfriend almost knocked over the tub of tropical mix in the kitchen!” your girl friend yelled over the loud booming music, laughing.

yuta expected you to correct her, but you didn’t, and only laughed along with her.

“no it wasn’t him! it was me,” you giggled drunkenly, your arms around his neck as his were tight around your waist, your group standing off to the side of the dance floor. “he had to grab me and pull me from it!”

and that’s how it often was, just you and him. you taking care of him and him taking care of you in every way possible, trying to pay you back for all of the years you spent being there for him when he was younger and way more, simply because he wanted to.

and on a night where yuta was studying for finals in his room, his brother that was visiting from college came in and sat down on the edge of his bed.

“you studying?” he asked.

yuta nodded, not bothering to take his eyes away from his notebook, still scribbling down his notes. he never really had the best relationship with his brother, much less after what had happened with you getting rejected by him.

his brother took a deep breath through his nose and nodded. “i um… are you still friends with y/n?”

that caught his attention, and yuta’s eyes lifted from his notes to look at him. “yes? i’m with her like, most of the time. if you haven’t noticed.”

“no i have,” his brother murmured. “how is she?”

yuta took a second to respond. “she’s good.”

“that’s good that’s good. does she um- does she still have the same number?”

yuta put down his pencil and leaned back against his desk chair. “why?”

“i wanted to just catch up with her is all,” he shrugged. “i saw her when you brought her here for mom’s birthday and i hadn’t seen her since graduation.”

“catch up with her?” yuta mumbled. “since when do you give a shit about y/n?”

his brother scoffed. “i always have, yuta.”

“didn’t seem like it when you rejected her and started dating one of her close friends like the next day.”

his brother didn’t say anything, and yuta rolled his eyes at the lack of response, picking his pencil back up to continue his work.

“i still have her on social media and see what she’s up to… she posts you a lot. are you guys like— a thing?”

yuta bit the inside of his cheek. “no.”

his brother visibly relaxed for whatever reason and nodded. “i just want to talk to her again, is all. maybe buy her dinner—”

yuta pushed his textbook away, dropped his pencil again and spun around, looking at him with narrowed eyes. “fuck no.”

his brother scoffed. “i’m not asking for permission—”

“fuck no.”

“yuta i’m your brother i literally took you to school everyday and took care of you—”

“y/n did that.” yuta cut him off. “y/n gave me rides to school when i didn’t have my license and bought me food when i didn’t have a job. she also came to every single one of my games regardless of the weather and helped me with my homework when i was too stupid to figure it out on my own, everything you should’ve done.”

“that’s not true—”

“yes it is.” yuta crossed his arms in annoyance. “she didn’t have to do any of that. she never had to take care of me the way that she did but she did it anyways. she took on your role because you were too busy being a dingus doing god knows what and she knew that. y/n has done more for me than you’ve ever done in your entire twenty two years of living.”

his brother sat there in silence, yuta’s heavy angry breathing being the only thing heard in the room.

“okay well—” his brother stood from his bed and walked over to the door. “i’m just going to text her—”

“why the fuck are you gonna meddle into her life now? what… are you bored? are you not satisfied with whatever fucking girl you find up there at school?” yuta threw his arms up in irritation, his blood beginning to boil. “you treated her like shit. like absolute dog shit when you ignored her and avoided her for months after she confessed to you. do you understand how disrespectful that is?”

“whatever man it was high school—”

“and what, that gives you a pass to treat her like that? when that happened i was sixteen picking up the pieces you shit all over at your grown age—”

“i’m leaving.”

and with that, his brother walked out and slammed the door shut, and yuta was left absolutely red. red with anger he had never felt before in his life as he grabbed his notebook and chucked it across the room. he hated how casual he spoke of you, like you were just another girl he was going to try and get to know and fuck— to then leave without another word like his brother’s been doing his whole fucking life to girls. but not to you, it couldn’t happen to you.

and it was like yuta was going through the five stages of grief because then he was afraid. what if you let his brother back into your life? what if you fell for him again? you’d done it before the chances were not zero of you doing it again.

yuta didn’t want to lose you. he would rather gauge his eyes out and eat them for breakfast.

with that, yuta stumbled through his room putting on his shoes and snatching his car keys from his night stand, running down the hall and slamming the front door shut before getting in his car.

the drive was only about fifteen minutes to your house, and he felt so bad that it was nearly two in the morning and he was most likely going to wake you up, but he couldn’t stand it. he was going absolutely crazy, everything in him gnawing and eating him alive, his brother having pushed every single button in his body and more.

his tires screeched as he pulled into your driveway, thankful that your parents were away on a getaway trip as he slammed his car door shut and made his way up to your front door. yuta rang your doorbell twice before you finally opened it.

slowly, you peeked your tired eye through the slit, and your body immediately relaxed at the sight of him. “oh my god yuta, you scared the absolute shit out of—”

you stopped, your face falling at his livid expression and the way his chest heaved erratically. “yu? are you okay? what’s going on—”

but yuta only pushed passed you and trudged up your stairs without another word. dumbstruck, you closed your front door with a click and locked it, following him up the stairs and into your room.

“what’s wrong?”

“my brother is visiting from college.” he mumbled, sitting stiff on your desk chair. you moved to stand in front of him.

“…you mentioned that yeah—”

“and he… he told me that he wants to reach out to you.”

your eyebrows furrowed, taken aback. “me? for what?”

“he says he wants to catch up with you, see how you’re doing. be friends again i guess.”

yuta’s eyes remained stuck to the floor like glue, and you remained silent as you processed his words, confused out of your mind.

“i mean… i mean i guess? i guess that’s fine—”

his head snapped up, “that’s fine?”

you shrugged, “yes? i don’t see the big deal i don’t—”

“baby—” he shook his head in disbelief. “he absolutely broke you and treated you like nothing in high school, and you’re fine letting him back into your life? great.”

you narrowed your eyes at him. “why are you being like that? he just wants to be friends again and that’s fine with me—”

yuta scoffed. “he doesn’t deserve it! he doesn’t deserve you—”

“yuta, whatever happened between your brother and i was years ago! i’m over it! this isn’t a big fucking deal!”

you hated fighting with him, god how much you hated it, and the way that he looked at you now was making you absolutely sick.

“so you’re just gonna be friends with him again?” he shrugged, looking at you with narrowed eyes.

“yeah?”

“you’re fucking stupid,” he spat, getting up from your desk chair and walking over to the door, reaching for your doorknob.

you instantly grabbed his shoulder and spun him around to face you. “what the fuck is wrong with you?!”

“what’s wrong with me?!” he raised his voice, jabbing a finger to his chest. “what’s wrong with you! do you not remember how bad you got when he did what he did?! do you really think i would stand here okay with you rekindling your little love for my brother?”

you scoffed, “my little love?!”

and before you knew it, angry tears were streaming down your face. you hated the way he was talking to you, and you didn’t know how your argument escalated so quickly and so drastically as you wiped your cheeks furiously.

and at the sight of you crying, yuta faltered slightly, his eyes softening.

“why do you think i still love him? i don’t! i haven’t since he rejected me!—”

“who says you won’t start again?” he spoke lowly, arms crossed over his chest. “my brother never had to lift a fucking finger for you to be head over heels for him. you don’t give a shit about yourself and you’re willing to throw yourself at him again—”

“shut up.” you spat, sobs raking through your body. “the fact that you’re stuffing a bunch of fucking words into my mouth and assuming i’m going to jump into your brothers arms is bullshit.”

“i—”

“is this how low you think of me?”

“no baby i don’t—”

“yes you clearly do because everything that’s come out of your mouth—”

“no! no i’m sorry i don’t—”

“then why—”

yuta shoved his hands into his hair exasperated, “because i love you!”

he let his arms fall limp, his eyes glossy and red with the most gut wrenching look on his face that read pure exhaustion. you had never seen him so torn.

“i love you and i love you and i have since since i was fifteen,” his voice shook with each word, hands trembling at his sides. “more than a best friend, more than anything in this world, and i never saw you like another sibling like you did for me.”

“fi.. fifteen?” you spoke so softly he almost didn’t hear you.

he nodded sadly, silent tears slipping down his cheeks and you automatically reached up, softly wiping them away with your thumbs as he closed his eyes, much like how yuta did when you got your heart broken by his brother on that rainy day.

yuta never cried.

“i swallowed it. you loved my brother and i swallowed it. i didn’t give a shit if you only saw me as a sibling because i would rather make some type of mark in your life and be in it than not have you at all. but i can’t take it anymore.”

he let out a sob, and he instantly shoved his face in the crook of his arm in embarrassment.

“yu…”

“you mean absolutely everything to me baby,” his voice was muffled a bit by his elbow, and after roughly wiping his eyes on the sleeve of his sweater, he dropped his arm to look at you again. “i would do absolutely a-anything for you. you’re precious to me and the prettiest girl i have ever laid my eyes on and will ever lay my eyes on.”

he hiccuped and crossed his arms over his chest, staring up at your ceiling. “but i know you don’t love me like i love you. i’ve known for years and i just can’t bring myself to let you go. it’s so bad that i would rather you break my heart over and over again than let you go for the sake of my wellbeing and watch you walk out of my life—”

“yuta, can you please look at me?”

“i— i can’t,” he shook his head as his voice trembled, tears slipping from the sides of his eyes as he continued to stare at your ceiling. “i can’t do it—”

you slowly reached out and cupped his wet cheeks in the palm of your hands, tilting his face down gently to look at you, your eyes filled with remorse at the defeated look on his face.

“why didn’t you tell me?” you asked softly. “why didn’t you tell you were hurting so much?”

he shook his head slowly in your hands. “it’s not fair to you. i didn’t want to put you in a difficult position—”

“what difficult position, yu?” you spoke so gently, so sweetly to him that he almost fell to his knees. “how could you have kept this in for five years? i can’t even imagine—” you hiccuped, “i hate that you were hurting because of me-“

your voice began to contort again into sobs, and he quickly shook his head. “no baby no, it was not because of you, you did nothing wrong. you did the exact opposite.”

you wiped more of his tears with your fingers as he spoke, listening intently.

“no one gave a shit about me the way you did. not even my own parents, and not even my stupid brother that pretended like i practically didn’t exist. you were the only one that was there and you didn’t have to be. you could’ve easily ditched me at any given point and you never did, and i can’t thank you enough for giving me a reason to keep going.”

he wiped his eyes. “and that’s why i fell in love with you so hard because you were so selfless and sweet and i love your smile. i don’t think i could ever make up for everything you’ve done—”

“but you have!—” you interjected, but yuta only shook his head.

“no i haven’t. i’m a stubborn asshole who just said a bunch of shit five minutes ago that i didn’t mean and i only hurt you and i never wanted that—”

“yuta.” you spoke firmly. “you’ve literally done more for me than anyone else in my entire life and i hate that you can’t see that or give yourself credit. you were there for me when i went absolutely insane after your brother rejected me even though you loved me then. you put your own feelings aside to take care of me baby..”

you softly took his hands and led him to sit with you on the bed, wiping his wet cheeks with your sleeve.

“do you not remember when even though you didn’t have a job, any chance you got money you would spend it on me instead of yourself?” you laughed softly. “the minute you got your license you drove me anywhere i wanted… and even to little things like the store because you said you didn’t want me to spend gas money.”

yuta slightly smiled.

“you never ditched me either, when there was every opportunity you could’ve. you always make sure i eat and get enough sleep… and you make me so happy yu, i wish you could see how much i miss you when you’re not around.”

he tucked a piece of hair behind your ear and leaned in, softly planting a kiss to your cheek. you smiled warmly.

“who told you i didn’t love you back?”

yuta froze. “you did?”

“when?”

“the day my brother rejected you?” he cocked his head to the side. “i had asked you if you saw me as another sibling and you said yes.”

you threw your head back and moaned, “oh my god yu, of course in that moment because i was stupid and into your brother and i had just gotten rejected!”

you deflated and smiled at him warmly then, your eyes shining with emotions he didn’t allow himself to believe were there. for five years, yuta forced himself to believe you could never return his feelings as a form of protection, and now there was a huge wall in his brain that was itching to come down.

you scooted closer to him and wrapped your arms around his neck, your foreheads touching. “ask me again.”

“hm?” he was dazed, wide eyes staring into yours.

“ask me that question again,” you spoke softly. “the one from that day.”

yuta swallowed thickly, his breathing shaky through his nose, reiterating the phrase he played through his head like a broken record since it happened.

“as another sibling…” he murmured. “is that how you see me?”

you shook your head gently against his forehead, “no… to me—” you leaned back slightly and tilted your head to the side. “you look like the man i’ve been in love with for the past three years.”

silence. nothing.

and then, his eyes welled with tears as he tackled you down and just cried. he cried and he cried into your neck and shook like a little leaf, you holding him so unbelievably tight as your bottom lip wobbled. yuta’s arms were snaked around you as he held you with just as much force if not more.

half a decade. half a decade yuta spent hopelessly lovesick for you that your words burned over his entire body like a fever, his mind reeling and hazy. he held on to you so fucking tight and refused to let go of you, in fear that this was all just some horrendous sick dream and he was going to wake up alone in his bed without you.

you placed a hand on the back of his head as you hugged him, “i love you so much yuta that sometimes i feel like im going nuts.” you laughed softly. “it was always you… it’s been you that’s why i said earlier that i didn’t care if your brother wanted to be friends again, because i love you and i don’t give a shit about him and i’m sorry i made you upset—”

“no,” he lifted his head from the crook of your neck and looked at you, his cheeks flushed with dried up tears and red eyes. “that was just me being an absolute dick and scared of re-living high school all over again. i took that out on you and that wasn’t fair at all, baby. i’m sorry.”

you carded your fingers through his hair. “we both have things to be sorry about, and a lot of years to make up for.”

and finally, yuta grinned so big that his cheeks hurt.

“can i—“ he exhaled shakily. “can i kiss you?”

“please.”

and he smashed his lips against yours, greedily kissing you with so much desperation as he lip locked with you, his hands squeezing and roaming your body. the sound of your lips smacking was loud, and his kisses were so needy and sloppy against your soft plush lips that you squeaked at the intensity. you felt him grin again at your noise and he pulled away from you.

“i’ve wanted this for so long…” he breathed out, his breath fanning against your face as you tried to recover from what was probably the best kiss of your life. you nodded frantically, too dazed and caught up in the thought of his mouth on yours to respond with sentences that made sense.

he chuckled cutely at this, and he pressed a kiss to your forehead. “i love you and i love you.”

and since then, it was like the final wall had finally crumbled down, and yuta began to live like he was supposed to, like he was meant to, with you. his days of yearning and silent torment were over, and most of the time it still felt like a dream whenever he was by your side.

things stayed relatively the same between you two, as you now acknowledge how much of a couple you both actually were acting prior to yuta’s confession. the only major difference now though, was that yuta earned the privilege to call you his and give you sweet kisses as he picked you up from class, or when you make and hand him those ham sandwiches you always do just for him, only this time adorned with a honeyed kiss of your own.

sitting on his living room couch now, your head resting on his lap as a random horror movie played in the background, yuta’s fingers gently brushed over the features of your face as you stared at the tv, his eyes stuck to you like sticky lovesick glue.

you turned your head to look at him after a bit. “why don’t you start playing soccer again?” you hummed. “is there a team at your school?”

yuta nodded, “there is baby.”

“why don’t you try out?” you smiled sweetly at him, and his heart ached. “i always loved watching you play. i miss it.”

“okay,” he tapped your nose. “just for you.”

you rolled your eyes playfully. “and i’ll start dragging your brother with me again.”

yuta’s eyes flung open as his jaw dropped, and you snorted, giggling uncontrollably as he tickled and pinched at your sides. “i’m just kidding! i’m kidding! i’d rather die.”

he let out a boyish laugh, his eyes sparkling as he looked down at you. “as much as i hate him, i can’t thank him enough for being a stupid dingus.”

you quirked an eyebrow, “thank him? why?”

yuta gently and softly pinched one of your cheeks as he smiled at you, and it was then that you noticed the bags under his eyes were nearly gone. he leaned down and pressed a kiss to your lips, moving some of your hair away from your face after he did so.

“because he brought you to me.”

and you smiled, that same radiant sweet smile that made him fall in love with you in the first place, as you reached up and ran a tender finger under where his eye bags once stood, your voice light and airy as you spoke—

“i love you and i love you, yuta.”

[hannieehaee]

BAD HABIT

18+ / mdi

summary: hiding his secret crush on you was already hard enough for jungkook, and after getting bit by a spider, he'd now have the grueling task of hiding his brand-new superhero identity from you.

content: spiderman!jungkook, f2l!jungkook, based on mcu's spiderman and is supposed to take place during/after civil war but with an aged up spiderman, college-aged Jungkook and reader, picture tattoo-less 2019 jungkook, pining, slow burn-ish, afab reader, smut, dry humping, fingering, penetrative sex, etc.

wc: 9.4k

a/n: despite the spiderman aspect of it, this is just a cute little love story between two besties there's no angst or action here lol sorry</3

masterlist | kofi/patreon

support me through a one time tip<3

"Oh my God, did you see what he did last night?", you excitedly shoved your phone in Jungkook's direction, showing him yet another news article detailing Spiderman's newest act of bravery.

"What, did he stop another bank robbery?", Jungkook showed disinterest in your interruption, continuing to pay attention to what was playing on the TV.

"Okay, booo! Why are you so lame about him? He's so cool," you complained, setting your back against the couch again with a frown.

"I dunno," he shrugged, "Just don't see what the big deal is about him. There's cooler superheroes out there."

With the light from the TV shinning on the two of you, you allowed the content from the movie to consume you for a bit before arguing back. You always argued back when it came to Spiderman. This was practically routine to Jungkook by now.

"Like Iron Man? Sure, Tony Stark's cool, but think about it — Spiderman's probably just a regular person like you and me. Can you imagine doing all he does while keeping it all undercover?", you rambled on, "Also his body's crazy," you added as an afterthought, almost whispering it to yourself.

Jungkook couldn't help but chuckle at this, inadvertently looking down at his own abdomen before responding, "How do you know he's got a nice body under that suit?"

"You can literally see his abs through the suit! Duh!", you tutted at him as if he were an idiot to question you.

"Ah, right. My bad," he chuckled, "Okay, whatever. Just pay attention to the movie. You can ramble about him all you want after we finish, okay?," he held up his pinky towards you in a childish fashion, grinning when you giggled at him and intertwined your pinky with him, grumbling a 'fine' in mock annoyance.

Now with you both putting your focus on the movie, — Jungkook's all-time favorite, Back to the Future — Jungkook had the opportunity to lose himself to his own head, thinking about your recent obsession with Spiderman — New York's newest hero.

After Spiderman's recent appearance at an encounter with the Avengers in Germany, followed by a more prominent presence in the streets of New York with a revamped suit, you had instantly formed an intense interest in the masked man. Prior to that, the hero was mostly a man hidden in the shadows — a myth to all those in Queens. Almost immediately upon his return to New York he became a sensation across the world, but specially around the area in which he'd serve the people and fight all evil around.

Among all those fans stood you, maybe the biggest of them all.

It didn't take you long to develop a liking to the masked man upon his sudden resurgence. Jungkook had known you to get overly invested in your interests (there had been a few instances throughout your friendship where you'd demonstrated as such), but he never thought you'd be the type to develop such a blatant crush on someone you virtually knew nothing about. Past the fact that he was the youngest addition to the Avengers, there was not much information about Spiderman out to the general public, yet you were quite loud about your crush on him to everyone you knew — especially to Jungkook, who just so happened to be your best friend.

Unfortunately to Jungkook, you were entirely unaware that the man you were actually crushing on was your best friend in disguise.

And even more unfortunate to him, you were even more unaware of Jungkook's own crush on you.

Did this count? Were you technically crushing on Jungkook?

He chose to go for the most pesimistic answer and assume that your interest in Spiderman would immediately die upon finding out his real identity. Throughout your many years of knowing each other — all through the ups and downs of middle school and high school all the way to university — you'd never once shown anything but platonic interest in him.

To be fair, Jungkook also never gave you any clear indication of his feelings for you. He liked to think that he was discrete about it; that you had no idea of the embarrassing crush he'd been cultivating since freshman year of high school. Fortunately, you appeared to be far too oblivious to it, leaving Jungkook to hold not one but two life-altering secrets, never once considering letting you in on either of them.

For now, all Jungkook could do was make up lame excuses for his sudden absences and to grumble any time Spiderman's name was brought up. Part of him held disdain for Spiderman due to having to keep him a secret from you, but most of his dislike was born out of jealousy over your interest in him. What did he have that Jungkook didn't? Nothing! But he could never tell you that, leading him to a never-ending dilema that he could entrust in no one.

The movie left his mind for the next of the night, much more so when you seemed to become disinterested again, cuddling against him as you prepared to let yourself fall asleep. This was common in your relationship, though it was always strictly platonic. It always left Jungkook wanting more, but still content at having you by his side.

The next time you brought up Spiderman was the morning after. That night, you'd fallen asleep soon before the Back to the Future marathon ended, which was coincidentally the same time in which he usually went out to patrol the city looking for crime nearby. Leaving you comfy on his couch and cuddled against some of his plushies, he made his way out to check in on the city. That night was particularly calm, as he only prevented two street burglaries before making his way back to a still-sleeping you.

Naturally, he fell asleep next to you, only waking up the following morning when you'd woken him up by shaking his side, exclaiming something about some news you'd just seen online. Before even coming to his senses, he could already tell what you were so excited about. It was a conflicting feeling really, consisting of half cockiness and half annoyance. He felt pride at how impressed you were at his actions (despite not having knowledge that they were his), though he also felt annoyed that it was his secret identity who took credit for it.

With a yawn, he finally turned to you in order to entertain your insistence on raving about the masked man who'd been spotted once again last night.

"Oh my God! Jungkook, look! He stopped some burglars just a few streets over! Do you think he passed by here? — What if he climbed on our walls? That's so crazy," you went a mile a minute, "Fuck, I can't believe I slept through it," you pouted by the end of your rambles, practically huffing and puffing.

Once more, he couldn't help but chuckle at your antics. Despite his internal annoyance at the mere existence of Spiderman, he was also thankful his presence gave him a first row seat to how adorably infatuated you could get.

"Not like you could've met him anyways," but then he burst your bubble anyways.

"Stop! I could never meet him, I'd embarrass myself too badly. He's too cool for me anyways," you laughed to yourself, beginning to get up and taking some clothes from one of the drawers nearby, — Jungkook's apartment housed some of your clothes specifically for nights like these — heading over to the bathroom and presumably beginning to get dressed as soon as you were outside of his line of sight, not even bothering to close the door.

"Really? He could just be a loser under that costume," he commented, knowing it'd get under your skin.

Leaning back against the couch with his arms behind his head in a relaxed manner, he didn't even need his spidey reflexes to predict the shirt you threw his way in defiance due to his comment. He simply let it land on his chest, chuckling at your cute childishness.

"C'mon! You don't have to defend him from every little comment I make. He's a superhero, right? He's got tough skin," he whined at you, crumpling the shirt into a ball and tossing it into the clothes bin nearby with an expert precision.

Finally coming out of the restroom fully dressed, you grumbled at him as you ransacked his living room in search for your makeup bag, "You're just jealous of him," you hummed, disinterested in his complaints.

"Jealous? Of what? Not having to risk my life on a daily basis?"

Oh, how he wished that was the case sometimes.

"Spiderman must have so much game. Meanwhile, when was the last time you had a girlfriend?", you mocked him, finally spotting your makeup and sitting on the floor in front of his full length mirror in order to do your makeup.

Getting up, he sat on a beanbag nearby, watching you through the reflection with a scowl.

"M-me? Without game? You're the one crushing on a nameless man who probably doesn't even have a place to live! At least I have my bachelor pad — which, by the way, you stay at free of charge!", he rebutted, somewhat offended but not really. He just really needed to win this fight against himself.

"Please, I could totally pull him if we were in the same room for five minutes," you smirked at him through the reflection, somehow grooming your eyebrows to absolute perfection despite the current argument going on.

"You literally just said he was too cool for you," he recalled back.

"Under that suit, he's just a man. And I could pull any man."

Pull me, please! a desperate gremlin in his head practically whined as soon as you said the words.

With a shake of his head, he cleared his mind of that thought, "Okay, valid. So, you mean to tell me that you're just waiting for the chance to catch him alone? Is that why you haven't dated in months?", he genuinely wondered.

"Maybe," you mumbled, now moving onto your blush, one of Jungkook's favorite touches in your makeup regimen, "How about you? How come you haven't seriously dated a girl in years? Any secret crush I need to know about? I'm very open about mine," you dug in, unknowingly making Jungkook break a sweat at the questioning glare you sent him through the mirror before refocusing your gaze on yourself.

Facing Captain America and the Winter Soldier had made him less nervous than this very moment.

He squirmed in his seat a bit before managing to let out a credible response, "Just- just not into anyone these days," he lamely responded.

"Boo," you boo'd him, "That's lame. Maybe if you wingman me with Spidey I could help you out with some girl," you suggested.

"Yeah, maybe," and that was that for that subject.

After that, the subject wasn't brought up again for the rest of the day. You and Jungkook followed your usual plans, walking over to uni side by side as soon as you finished getting ready and spending any of your down time together. Unlike last night, you opted to head back to your own apartment for the night, leaving Jungkook to freely roam the city in disguise while you probably daydreamed about the guy he wasn't. He kept you in his mind for the rest of the day, sighing any time he remembered how easy it was for you to want to pair him off to another girl, knowing his feelings surely would never be mutual.

Unfortunately for Jungkook, it was extremely difficult for him to ignore your intense interest in Spiderman. His supersonic hearing would not allow him to do so anyway.

He wasn't really in the habit of getting into your private business. Despite his superhuman abilities, he had sworn to himself that he would never spy on you or use any of his newfound skills to ever insert himself in places of your life where he wasn't openly invited.

However ...

Okay, it's not like he meant to be so quiet when he came into your apartment. And it's not like you hadn't invited him beforehand. It was very likely that you wouldn't have minded him hearing the conversation you were currently having with your friend on the phone since it technically did not concern him, but he still couldn't help but feel guilty at being made privy of the details of it.

And the details were harsh to listen to — but not in a bad way.

His nails dug into the edge of the wall as he began making sense of what you were saying — of who you were talking about. His eyebrows furrowed, not sure if in annoyance or if in frustration. Your commentary simply had an unexpected effect on him.

"Oh my God, don't ask me that!," you giggled, scandalized at your phone, "I can't think of him that way, I like him too much. It feels almost disrespectful," you whispered the last bit, as if ashamed yet still giddy.

Without any context, the hopeless romantic side of Jungkook's brain might've allowed him to think you were talking about him. His bionic hearing could make out your friend's words on the other side of the phone perfectly, however, which proved to him that you were in fact speaking of someone else — kind of.

"What, you're talking about him all the time but you tell me you've never had any thoughts of fucking him?", your friend teased on the other aide of the call, causing you to whine in response.

"Of course I have!," you argued back, making Jungkook mentally wince at the thought, "Everyone and their mom knows I'm into him, of course it's not just some elementary school crush, dude. I want him," you put extra emphasis on your last statement.

"Tell me more," your friend pushed.

Jungkook could hear you shuffling in the sheets, likely kicking your feet around due to the giddy emotions thinking about your crush caused within you.

"There's nothing to tell ..." you murmured, avoidant.

"There is, c'mon! It's not like you can talk about this with Jungkook. He hates him," she reminded you, causing Jungkook to nod to himself from the other side of the wall.

"He doesn't hate him. I think he just finds my crush ... dumb," you responded. You were right. Well, kind of.

"Okay, I don't care about that. I wanna hear more about him. You said you were going to try and see him. Have you?", your friend continued to push.

This made Jungkook pause.

Would you actually go as far as to try and seek out Spiderman? How would you even find him?

"Well," you started, dragging out the vowel, "I caught a peak of him the other day — don't say anything!," you interrupted yourself, "Jungkook doesn't know, it just happened the other day. And he'll call me reckless or something."

"What'd you see?", your friend was clearly excited at the news, ecstatic to heat more. Jungkook was more so anxious to hear more. How had he not spotted you?

"I caught him in the middle of changing out of his suit ..." you whispered, as if someone could possibly be listening in — if only you knew.

"What?!," if your friend was excited, she was over the moon now.

"I saw him making his way through the city with his little webs and he stopped by near me. It was total luck, but I recognized the alley where he stopped and ran there," you recounted, "All I could see by the time I got there was a guy speed walking away from the alley while adjusting a black sweatshirt — it was obviously him! Even speed walking he was too fast for me," you finished with an intake of breath.

"So you're saying you saw his abs, basically," was all your friend responded.

"Stop!," you whined, "But yeah ... I might've gotten to see his happy trail ... He had a mask and beanie on, so I didn't catch his face at all," he could hear the pout on your face, "Not that I wanted to! I'd never wanna find him out without his permission. I just wanted to see him up close."

Jungkook believed this. He knew that you'd respect anyone's privacy, specially someone who you had grown certain affection for.

He was still shocked by this information, though. You'd spotted him? How had he not noticed you? And on top of it all, you'd almost caught him suit-less. A tiny, and frankly stupid, part of him felt a little cocky at knowing you'd seen him in action — at knowing you'd seen part of his body and liked it. His regular self was quite modest around you, not wanting to cross any boundaries nor cause you to feel liberal enough to walk around bare near his vicinity (his brain would just not he able to handle that). It was already hard enough for him to see you in those tiny little shorts and tank tops you'd wear to sleep during the summer. He hoped he had a similar effect on you, and knowing he somewhat had it made him feel like he was on top of the world.

And then your conversation continued.

"You should've followed him, you dumbass! Don't you wanna know where that happy trail leads?," your friend encouraged.

"As much as I'd love to get him in bed, I can't just stalk him! Iron Man's secret identity didn't last too long, we'll probably know who Spidey is within a few years and I'll be first in line to get to him," you giggled.

"What are you gonna do once you get to him?"

"Not to get nasty, but the first thing I'd do would be–"

That's when Jungkook stomped his feet and made his presence to you known, acting as if he'd just arrived. There was no way he'd be able to hear your thoughts and still be able to look you in the eye afterward.

"Y/N? You home?", he stealthily made his way back to the front door before calling out to you, surely interrupting your conversation.

"Shit, never mind, Kook's here. Gotta go," you said a quick goodbye to your friend before making your way to the living room and welcoming Jungkook.

"Kookie! I forgot you were coming," you walked over to him to give him a quick hug; your usual greeting.

"You should just assume I'm coming at any time," he mumbled into the hug, pulling away and immediately finding his rightful place on your couch, soon joined by you.

"So, what's new?", he turned to you with interest.

You cocked your head to the side in a questioning manner, "Nothing? You just saw me yesterday," you scoff.

"Nothing new with your spider boy?", he feigned disinterest.

"You never wanna hear about him. Why do you ask?"

"Maybe I want to be more supportive," he mumbled, avoiding eye contact.

From his peripheral he could tell you were looking at him with curiosity in your eyes, likely pondering about his change of heart. It took you a few seconds of silence before shrugging off his unusual interest and continuing the conversation.

"I might've spotted him the other day ...", now you were the one to mumble, looking down to avoid what you likely believed would be a judgmental reaction from him.

"R-really?", he scratched the back of his head, "Where? What'd you see?"

"Y'know, just him swinging around. Saw him heading home, I think. Then I lost track of him," you told him once you'd realized this wasn't some ruse to scold you for your interest again.

"What would you do if you actually met him someday?", he asked nonchalantly. Or at least as nonchalantly as he could manage while recalling the prior response he'd interrupted when you'd been talking to your friend.

Shrugging, you pressed your lips into a line as you pondered it for a bit, "I'd just tell him I'm his fan, I guess. I'd probably be too shy to even speak to him. It's like talking to your high school crush; you just avoid them as much as you can til it goes away," you chuckled to yourself.

He hummed, "Well, if the day ever comes, I think it'd be worth a try to talk to him. Maybe he'll like what he hears."

You nodded along, seemingly mulling over it inwardly, but saying nothing more regarding the matter. Jungkook joined you in dropping the subject, moving on to your usual movie night whilst also thinking over your sudden spotting of his masked self. It was odd to him how you'd somehow spotted him, but that was really the last thing on his mind. What concerned him the most was the sudden desire he felt to fulfill that need to see you while he was in his suit. He craved for you to return his feelings and there was a thoughtless side of him that wanted to get that reaction out of you, even if it meant you'd be reciprocating it to someone else.

Jungkook knew this was a stupid and reckless thing to do.

If Tony Stark were here in this moment, he'd probably take away the brand new suit he'd recently made for him. However, Jungkook was only 21, his hormones were still going crazy; crazy enough for him to make dumb and uncontrolled decisions just based off his feelings.

This was how he came to find himself pacing back and forth on the terrace of your apartment building whilst suited up. Muttering out loud to himself, he fought against himself as to whether or not he should go through with what had been bugging at him since speaking to you about your almost-encounter last week.

After mulling over it for a bit, he came to realize that there was no true harm to actually granting your wish of meeting Spiderman. He knew you to be a reasonable person (despite your claims of wanting to fuck Spiderman — who was a complete stranger to you) and felt reassured that you wouldn't put his identity at risk. On top of that, you had claimed that you probably wouldn't be able to even speak to him if you were to meet him.

The biggest issue was to come up with a reason as to why he'd be paying you a visit in particular. Maybe you were completely clueless as to your best friend's secret identity, but you weren't an idiot. His motives and identity would be immediately suspicious to you due to the strange nature of his apparition. Sure, he could hide his face and voice and even demeanor, but you'd be able to piece the pieces together too easily, anyone would.

Unluckily for him, this was not something he had to worry about for too long, as his plans did not go as smoothly as he had hoped. Just in between his nonsensical rambles to himself, there was an interruption orchestrated by you, with your sudden presence in the terrace throwing him completely off guard. Thank God he hadn't had a chance to take off his mask before you showed up.

"Oh my God," were your only words as you slowly made your way through the door leading to the terrace, choosing not to make your presence unknown.

"Shit," was his sole response, wincing from behind the mask.

"What- what are you doing here? Is it really you?", you asked, slowly making your way closer to his frozen self.

Attempting to switch over to his usual confident demeanor, Jungkook stood up straighter, hands on his hips as he waved over at you. The eyes displayed on his mask replicated his actual facial expression, squinting at you in a friendly manner as he tried to introduce himself in the least awkward way he could muster whilst deepening his voice in order to mask it.

"Hello! I- Yes, it's me! I- uh, was not expecting anyone to be here," he managed, walking over to you and giving you a handshake — something quite out of character for Spiderman, which he hoped you didn't pick up on.

Unfortunately, you did pick up on it, tilting your head to the side in curiosity before returning his handshake. From Jungkook's perspective, you seemed like a mixture of nerves, excitement and genuine curiosity. He couldn't blame you. Your idol/crush had suddenly showed up on the roof of your apartment and was nonchalantly trying to make acquaintances with you.

"I'm so sorry!," you suddenly chirped, letting go of his hand mid handshake, "I wasn't following you, I swear! I live downstairs and sometimes I come up here for air and I saw you and I thought it was you — and it is you! Wow, I- Fuck, hi. I'm Y/N, it's so nice to meet you," you rambled on and on, inflicting pain in Jungkook's heart at how adorable you were.

"Hi, again," he smiled under the mask, "It's fine, uh, this happens more than you may think," he lied, attempting to cover his tracks.

"Really? Do you get spotted a lot?", you wondered.

"It's not super rare, but it's usually while I'm on the run, not like, uh, like this. I was just resting for a bit," he went to casually lean against the railing next to him but pathetically slipping a bit and having to readjust his standing.

He cleared his throat, "So, I take it you're a fan?", he attempted to make conversation.

"I'm literally obsessed with you. I keep up with every article that comes out about you and any sighting of yours," you beamed before cringing to yourself, "Shit, I'm not playing it cool at all, am I?"

He couldn't help but chuckle, "No, you're good, trust me. Most people just scream and run away or ask me to do a backflip — which I can totally do, but it gets repetitive. Others attack me sometimes. It's rare to actually start conversation with me."

"Oh, so am I special, then?", you giggled, taking a few steps forward as you moved to lean on the railing next to him.

And just like that, you took the upper hand in the conversation. The mood shifted the moment you decided to start a flirtation with him, and Jungkook knew he was completely doomed.

Yes, you were absolutely special. Sure, he would occasionally interact with regular citizens of Queens, but he had never actually sought them out for conversation nor even entertained any fanatics of his. For you, however, he was willing to make an exception. God, he had been itching to do this from the moment he found out you had an infatuation with the superhero.

"Y- you- yeah," he cleared his throat, trying again, "You're the only person who hasn't alerted everyone around me of my presence," he regained his suave vibe by the end of the sentence.

"Why would I ever do that?", you pondered out loud, using a flirtatious tone Jungkook had never been on the receiving end of, "Then I wouldn't get to have you all for myself."

Were you closer? Had you moved closer in proximity? He could swear that the distance had lessened from just a few moments ago. This wasn't good, but it was also great.

"O-oh? That's ... Yes, hah, thank you for not exposing me," was all he managed to say. Fuck, his usual wit and ability to banter under the guise of being Spiderman seemingly dissipated when it came to interacting with you.

You giggled at him, likely taking note of how easy it was to fluster him. Jungkook knew you were aware of how attractive you were, also having the ability you turn up the charm whenever you so wished — except he had never dealt with it firsthand. It was both exhilarating and nerve wracking at the same time. He had truly not prepared for this.

"It's no problem," you smiled at him with a hint of something else in your eye, "Since you're such a good guy, y'know, maybe you'd like to return the favor?", you tilted your head at him, lifting your eyebrows suggestively.

"R-repay? How would you suggest?", he managed to regain some of his confidence, now leaning his body a bit more towards your own, smiling under his mask as he attempted to keep his heart rate normal.

"I'm sure you're super busy saving the world and all that, but maybe you'd like to visit again? No one ever comes up here, so it'd just be the two of us," you suggested, biting your lip in anticipation. Despite your confidence, Jungkook could still hear the rapid thumping of your heart — you were nervous about shooting your shot with a certain superhero; understandably so.

He decided to take advantage of the newfound realization that you might've been just as nervous as he was, clearing his throat and ensuring he didn't stutter this time around, "That'd be unfair, though, wouldn't it? To show you favoritism over all my other fans?", he said in flirtatious jest, hoping you caught on.

A pout far too enticing for Jungkook made its way to your lips, "But you just said I was special?", your hand went up to his chest, finger tracing the spider symbol on it.

"I never said that, you did," you couldn't see the teasing grin on his face, but it was there to stay.

"Oh?", you feigned offense, "So you don't think I'm special? Wow, now you really do owe me."

"You're right. Wouldn't want any unhappy citizens in Queens when I can help it," he agreed, taking hold of your wrist and tracing the back of it.

You smiled to yourself then, letting air out through your nose before looking back up at him, "I really do mean it. If you ever need a place to lay low, you can always come," you paused, "And ... If you ever want company, I'm just downstairs," you suggested.

Biting his lips from behind the mask, he nodded, letting go of your hand, "Yeah, I'll take that in mind," he checked his wrist despite there being no watch there, pulling a chuckle from you, "Unfortunately, I have to get back to patrolling now, but I'll see you around?", he asked as he climbed up the ledge of your building, ready to swing away.

"That's up to you, Spiderman," were the last words you said, though they were spoken with a confidence that told him you knew he'd be coming back.

Within just a month, Jungkook had lost count of the times he'd coincidentally found himself on your roof, always showing up at a similar time as that of your first encounter.

At first he played it off as a coincidence, cheekily claiming that he was just passing by and needed some rest. Other times, he'd show up due to legitimate exhaustion as he sought you out for comfort. It was very quick that you began a genuine friendship with one another, having an unspoken agreement of seeing each other there a few times a week late into the afternoon.

The flirtation was still present, but a friendship between you overtook that. This made Jungkook glad in a sense, as he knew he would've felt guilty if anything romantic ever came up without you knowing his real identity. He already felt badly about befriending you without your knowledge, but he felt like he was too late to back out now.

Today was yet another day in which he decided to show up, though this time a little later. Since you lived at the highest floor of your building, his mere presence on the roof was enough to alert you of his arrival, causing you to walk through the door leading to the staircase just moments later.

You were in your pajamas — just some small shorts and a tank top, but it was enough for his eyes to bug out of his head (figuratively, of course). Any time he'd stay over with you, you'd usually opt for a shirt long enough to cover halfway through your thighs, but since Jungkook wasn't present tonight it seemed like you'd chosen a tank top tight enough it'd give him the perfect view of your nipples peaking through the fabric. It bugged him to think you were doing this for Spiderman and not Jungkook, but he was too distracted by the sight of you to mind it too much.

"Hey," you greeted him as you headed his way, "A little late today, huh?"

"Yeah, uh, I was busy with a robbery," he explained, leaning against the veranda as you joined next to him.

"Oh? That sounds dangerous? Are you hurt? Maybe I should take a look?", your hand went up to his chest, pretending to check for injuries.

He laughed and you joined him, biting his lip under the mask, "You're even more dangerous than any bad guy out there, you know that?", he grabbed your wrist and took your hand off his chest, opting to shyly hold onto it instead.

"Me? I'm not the masked man showing up at an unsuspecting girl's apartment in the middle of the night," you teased, hand playing with his own.

"I thought I wouldn't be a stranger by now. We've been meeting for what, a month now? I'd say that's enough to get to know a person," he reasoned.

"Hmm," you pretended to mull over it, "Does that mean there's no chance you'll let me see what's under that mask?", you pouted at him.

This was not the first time you teased him about his secret identity, often bugging him (in a way far too entertaining for him to be actually bugged by it) to let you in on his secret. You swore up and down you'd never tell, offering up your pinky to intertwine with his. Jungkook liked you so much that there were various instances in which he had to catch himself before he ended up agreeing with your request.

"You know I can't do that, gorgeous," it was his turn to flirt. To be fair, as Spiderman, he did have a flirtatious streak to his personality. You weren't the only one on the receiving end of it, but you sure were the only one he meant it with. You also always giggled or blushed when he turned up the charm, which always instigated him into doing it more and more.

"But you said I was special," you reminded him with a smile, "And! We've been meeting for a while. Don't you wanna trust at least one person with your identity? Y'know, if something were to happen to you," even Jungkook could tell you were pulling your reasoning out of your ass, but he couldn't help but feel endeared by you.

Before he could fire back with an equally cheeky response, you interrupted him again, "How about you let me see you some other way?"

He cocked his head to the side with curiosity, unknowing of what you meant.

Hesitantly, your hand let go of his, now engulfing it with both of your hands. Your fingers traced his hands through his gloves, looking up at him for a moment to seek permission for what you were going to go next. Silently, he offered you a nod, allowing you to take off his gloves.

Jungkook couldn't help but feel slightly scared that you might recognize his hands, but finding no reaction in your eyes or heart rate (which he could hear perfectly any time he neared you), he felt calm. Your hands traced his own bare ones, eventually holding them in your own. The entirety of the interaction was soft and intimate in a way Jungkook had never experienced.

"Can I see more?", you asked after a while, voice almost a whisper.

"What- what would you like to see?", he whispered back, gulping at how close to you he suddenly felt.

Once more, your hand silently went up to touch him, but this time it reached his chest, laying flat against it before slowly finding the opening in the middle, allowing you to peek at a sliver of his bare chest. Without hesitation, Jungkook grabbed onto your hands on his chest and helped you open his body suit a little more, just enough to reveal his chest.

Your hands softly traced at a few cuts and bruises found there, pouting to yourself as you stared at the firm muscle under your hands. Silence engulfed you for a few moments as he enjoyed your affections.

"Well, this seems kinda unfair," he started with a quiet voice, "You're getting me naked, feeling me up. Making me feel like a piece of meat," he joked.

You stifled a chuckle, "Don't think I didn't notice you looking at my boobs when I got here, you perv. I'm just getting my payback," your hands went back to his hands, taking them in your own.

He gaped at you from under his mask, "I- I would never!", he rasped out, "The fact that you would even accuse me of that- I- I am appalled, Y/N Y/L/N," he gave you an exaggerated gasp.

"Okay, whatever," you rolled your eyes, "Can I keep going now?", you asked as you went back to tracing his suit with your hands, this time reaching up to his neck.

You wrapped your arms around the back of his neck, pulling him closer as you stared up at him. He knew that all you could see was the comically large eyes featured on his mask, but he was still affected by the look on your face. Your mouth was agape and your eyes kept going down to where you knew his lips would be. Without being able to help himself, his hands wrapped around your waist, feeling the sliver of skin between your shorts and your tank top. In all your years of friendship, Jungkook had never been able to hold you like this. It was exhilarating.

There was no need for any words as your hands found his mask, lifting it up to uncover his lips and lay right below his nose. Jungkook knew he should've been more careful in letting anyone — even you — even make contact with his mask, but his eyes had been trained on your lips from the moment you got your hands on him. His mind was in another planet at the moment.

There was, again, no reaction from you that could've led Jungkook to believe you had recognized him. Was the shape of his lips not obvious enough? Were you too distracted to notice? It truly made no sense to him, but the proximity of your lips had him too distracted to think about it too much.

That was when the moment Jungkook had been waiting for for years finally came to fruition. Your lips made contact with his own, very tentative and shy in their movements. Mere seconds happened until he opened his mouth to deepen the kiss as he held you against him.

It was a bit awkward due to the obstacle the mask proved itself to be, but Jungkook didn't care. He was far too drunk in you to consider anything around him, specially when the kiss grew heated within moments. Pressing you up against the veranda, Jungkook let out all pent up need against tour mouth, hoping in the back of his mind that you wouldn't realize it was him you were kissing.

Sadly, it all ended before Jungkook could really lose himself in it. You pulled away with a giggle at the way his body insisted on following yours, attempting to trap you in another kiss. He couldn't help but chuckle back, still not letting go of you.

"Hmm, ever let any of your other fans go that far?", you hummed when he buried his face on the crook of your neck, pressing shy kisses on the bare skin.

"N-no, just you," he muttered, pulling back to readjust his suit, now covering himself back up.

"Boo," you complained once he was completely covered up again, crossing your arms petulantly, "What, time for you to go?"

"Sadly, yes. I'm a busy man, pretty. Need to get back out there to ensure pretty girls like you remain safe," he coo'd at you jokingly, pinching your nose adoringly before beginning to climb the veranda in order to leave.

"You know this isn't a one-time thing, right?", you called from below him.

"Oh, I'll make sure it's not, baby," he chuckled before saluting you as he jumped down, disappearing from your view almost immediately.

He arrived home soon after that, too giddy to even consider patrolling that night. The smile wouldn't leave his face, and his skin was covered in goosebumps. He felt like such a teenager at the excitement cruising through him, but the remnants of the feeling of your mouth on his simply wouldn't leave him.

He knew that sooner or later he'd have to tell you about who he was, but he wanted to enjoy your newfound relationship as much as he could. So far, you hadn't told him about your frequent encounters with Spiderman, which led him to believe you felt the same way. Clearly you wanted to keep him as your own little secret, which only made him the giddier about it all.

There were occasions in which Jungkook simply didn't plan things out to well. Today was one of those days.

Having no one aware of his identity proved to be more bothersome than he had first assumed. Sure, he could lie about his location to his friends and family with ease, keep any troubling encounters with criminals to himself, but it was the aftermath of these encounters that sometimes came to be too much for him to handle.

He had been reckless tonight, somehow miscalculating every single one of his moves when taking down a crew of armed robbers. He hadn't even meant to come across them nor fight them on his own (Tony Stark had warned him about this before), but it's not like he could've walked away without at least attempting to deal with the situation.

In the end, he was victorious, and his current state proved as much. It was not a simple fight, resulting in his suit getting mangled all over, with many of the injuries penetrating into his actual skin.

Battered and covered in bruises and scratches all over, Jungkook had no idea where to go. This was one of the first times in which Jungkook found himself limping and unknowing of how to patch himself up before the sun rose. His plan had been poor, which only reminded him what a stupid decision it was to try and handle the situation on his own rather than to leave it up to the police.

But his terrible planning skills did not stop there. They evolved into finding himself standing on the fire escape that led directly to your apartment. With his arms holding onto his sides to try and alleviate the pain, he reached out to knock on your window, hoping 2AM wasn't too late for you to come find him.

It was only moments when you showed up in your pajamas, a shocked yet worried look on your face as you opened up your fire escape entrance to him.

"Oh my God, what happened?", you asked whilst ushering him in, providing him with support so he could make it over to your room and lay on your bed.

"You should see the other guy," he rasped, coughing out.

"Stop! Fuck, how can I help you? What do you need?", you frantically went over to your restroom, returning with a makeshift first aid kit.

You sat next to him on the bed, helping him sit up so you could check out his injuries. His suit had multiple scratches that revealed slivers of his skin, but there was nothing you hadn't seen the previous time he had been over.

"It was just a robbery gone wrong. Nothing to worry about," he finally said, wincing when you began to open up his suit to better check his injuries. Your hands immediately went to try and take care of the cuts on his stomach, moving anything out of the way in order to reach them.

"You idiot," you muttered, "This is gonna hurt, okay? Just breathe deep," you warned before moving on to dab on his injuries with some ointment. Hissing at the burn, his stomach hardened, causing him to recoil a bit.

"Jungkook, be still," you hissed back at him, scoffing when he suddenly stilled at the mention of his name.

"W-what? What did you just say?",

You paid him no mind, still putting all your focus in his injuries, "Do you think I'm dumb, Jungkook? You show up to hang out with me and let me feel you up and you think I won't recognize you? You really are an idiot," you chuckled by the end.

"You- you knew?! This whole time?", he gaped at you, throwing off his mask as he groaned at the way you blatantly laughed at his shock, "God, you suck."

"C'mon, Jungkook. You're a horrible liar. And I'm your best friend, you can't hide anything from me."

"Whatever," he huffs, followed by a wince from your manhandling of his injuries, "You could've told me," he muttered petulantly.

You finally looked back at him, with a stern look in your eyes Jungkook only ever saw whenever you were about to tell him off, "Oh, like you told me? Dude, you were more than fine pretending not to know me," you jabbed at him, "Dickhead," you muttered once you were done.

It was his time to chuckle, jabbing at your leg with his own and smirking when you pushed back.

"So, is this you admitting you've wanted to fuck me all this years?"

You scoffed, "Me? I wanted to fuck Spiderman. Not my fault it turned out to be you," you argued as you wrapped some bandages on the cuts found alonh his torso, "You're the one who came after me cause you wanted to fuck me."

"Okay, fine," he relented, patting at the wraps you'd just secured on him, "What's the verdict now? Still want to fuck me?", he leaned in with a smirk, smirk growing even bigger at your playful scowl.

"Shut up and come here," you practically growled at him, pulling him to you by his shoulders and catching him in a kiss.

It was almost effortless the way in which Jungkook pushed you back on the bed, easily climbing on top of you as he kissed you. His hand was on your back as he lowered your body to lay flat on the bed, ignoring any injury he may have had. Everything left his mind as he kissed you — the burglary, the secret he thought he had been keeping from you, the relief you now knew; everything.

"Kook," you sighed when his lips reached the length of your neck, softly nibbling at your skin every so often.

"You're so bad," he murmured, "Lying to me this whole time ... Making me look like an idiot while I tried to keep my secret from you," he reprimanded with a love bite.

"You're the idiot who- oh," your complaint was interrupted by the sudden presence of his hands on your breasts, feeling at your nipples through the thin barrier of your tank top.

"Shh, baby. You may have had the upper hand all these years, but now I'm in charge," he shushed you, "Never looked my way, but kept tryna get in my pants as Spidey? Bad, bad girl," he murmured as his lips came closer and closer to your chest, eventually reaching your nipples and wrapping his mouth around the clothed skin, engulfing the cloth with his saliva as he abused your nipple with his teeth.

You writhed under him, both frustrated at the barrier and affected by the stimulation, "Hmm, and you're good at dealing with the bad guys, right, Kookie?", you murmured, already delirious with his touch.

In the meantime, his hands went up to your breasts, lifting up the shirt and smoothly managing to throw it off before his hands went right back to playing with your tits.

"Oh, yeah. Gonna take care of you, baby. Gonna fuck all the bad out of you," he sighed at the sight of your nude torso, hips unable to help themselves in beginning to grind against you.

He trapped you under him, using you for his own pleasure. However, if your moans were anything to go by, he had a great idea of his current effect on you. Holding you down, he kissed you up and down, going from your breasts to your lips all while his hips danced with your own. At some point his hands snuck down to help you pull off your shorts and panties low enough to give him access to you. By now, you were basically completely nude while he remained in his scratched up suit. Seemed unfair, but it worked for Jungkook.

With curious hands, he reached down to your bare cunt, beginning to finger his way to your clit. His thumb found it with a swiftness you could only expect from a man like Jungkook. Synchronizing his hand and hips, he ground down on you while thumbing at the puffy pearl between your legs.

"Right there, huh?", he murmured at your increasingly high-pitched sighs, "That's where you need it, huh, baby?"

Warm eyes stared down at yours, eyebrows furrowed in concentration as he worked you all the way to your peak. Not a single part of him was occupied with anything but you — his lips tended to your own, his hand to your clit, his hips to your cunt, he was consumed by you whilst consuming you himself.

All his senses were heightened. His superhuman hearing allowed him to take in every noise of wetness coming south and every cry coming north. He could smell you perfectly, which only added to the delirious feeling you always provoked in him.

"I- Kookie, I'm gonna cum ... Keep going, I'm almost there, fuck," you cried as his movements sped up. Unbeknownst to you, he let out a sigh of relief at realizing your orgasm would come before his own. He was bursting inside his suit, almost ready to pounce you.

"Yeah? Cum for me, pretty. Need you to cum for me, okay? Promise I'll ... I'll fuck the bad out of you right after," he swore, lips finding their way to your ear as he whispered words of encouragement to you.

With a desperate nod, you continued to cry out his name, hands finding his bicep for support as you let yourself go. Jungkook took in every sound, every move, every single reaction coming from you. He memorized every bit of your orgasm and let himself be ruined by it.

Upon the crescendo of your orgasm, wet sounds filled up the room once more as his lips made their rightful way to yours once again. He sighed praise into your lips, calling you his good girl and his dream, claiming you to be the greatest reward he could ever receive.

"Thought I was bad, Kook? What happened to that?", you teased him, beginning to slowly rip off his suit in order to get him equally as nude as yourself.

"Baby, shut up. Just let me fuck you," he scolded, annoyed your words were interrupting his kisses.

"Hmm, do superheroes need condoms, or are you going in raw?", you asked so casually it made Jungkook's grip on you tighten involuntarily.

"Don't talk like that, fuck, I'll cum," he winced before backtracking with wide eyes, "Shit, wait. You'd let me do it raw?", he gaped at you, interrupting the kiss.

You laughed at him, giving him a single peck, "Course, Kook. Trust you more than anyone," you said, sharing the first moment of pure softness of the night.

Jungkook loved how easy it was for you to share friendly banter and bug at each other even under this context, but he couldn't lie when he said he adored those moments of unadulterated adoration you'd share any time you looked up at him while he was Spiderman. This was reminiscent of those moments, but so much better — especially being now aware that every single one of those looks had been directed at Jungkook, not Spiderman.

"Yeah?," he smiled at you, intertwining your fingers above your head, "Trust you too, beautiful," he let go of one of your hands to line himself up, groaning as he traced his tip up and down your folds before finally entering you.

"God, Kook," you sighed, arching your back at the feeling.

"I know, fuck," he matched your tone, burying his face in your neck while he gave you some time to get used to him, "Let me know when I can move, okay, baby? Feel so fucking good already."

You nodded wordlessly, using your free hand to dig your nails on the skin of his back. After about a minute you gave him the green light to move, dragging your nails down his back when he began to thrust, slowly building up his speed snd intensity.

"That feel good, pretty?", he murmured into your ear.

"Mhm!", you practically whined, attempting to move your hips to his rhythm, "D-don't stop."

Unburying himself from the crook of your neck, his hands went to your face to make you look into his eyes. He looked at you silently for a few moments with softness in his eyes, proceeding to locking your lips in a kiss as he continued to fuck into you. It was all very intense yet it carried an air of intimacy Jungkook knew he would never be able to replicate.

"Tell me you're almost there, shit. 'm gonna cum soon, pretty," he warned, thrusts accelerating in both speed and intensity.

"Yes! Almost there, just- keep going," you whined, hands reaching his hips to further encourage his movements. Wrapping your legs tighter around him, your body took control and did its best to follow his movements, making Jungkook's orgasm even more imminent.

"Think I can count you down?" he grumbled, eyebrows furrowed and demonstrating the amount of restraint in him at the moment.

"Yes, c-count me down," you nodded aggressively.

"Kay, pretty. Cum with me, yeah? In three," his hand went to toy at your clit once more, making you hiss in pleasure, "two ..." his hips readjusted to hit at that one spongey spot he'd been ramming at, but now harder, "one," he groaned the last word, almost falling limp against you as his movements stilled.

He could feel himself emptying inside you, kissing at your skin endlessly at how intimate the act felt. Meanwhile, you mewled nonstop under him, not helping his situation at all. He felt as if life halted for a moment, with everything aligning perfectly as he enjoyed both his and your orgasm.

"God ... Fuck, I can't believe it took us this long to do that," he sighed when it was all said and done.

You pushed at him, making him remove his weight off you and lay beside you, staring up at the ceiling just like you, "You're the dumbass who wouldn't tell me you liked me," you huffed.

"Well, if I'm that much of a dumbass, why did you never tell me you knew who I was- Which, by the way! How long have you known?", he was still fairly breathless, but entirely too curious.

You took a pause to laugh at him for a moment, only stopping when he gave you a menacing stare, "Since the first day you came to see me," you started, "You moved and talked just like Jungkook, and it made no sense for you to come see me out of all people," you revealed.

His body turned to its side, arm reaching out to make you cuddle against him, "Why didn't you say anything?", he pouted.

"I don't know," you shrugged, "Wanted you to tell me about your identity on your own. Not my fault you're too dumb," you murmured that last part."

"Okay, whatever. You're my Spidey girlfriend now anyway, so it doesn't matter anymore," he huffed.

"Oh? I don't recall anyone asking me to be their 'Spidey girlfriend,' do you?"

"Fine," he groaned, "Give me ten minutes and I'll give you a full-on confession of love, okay?"

"Can't wait," you laughed.

to read short 1.3k word continuation (+ all other previously written bonus content) you can go join my jk monthly tier on kofi or patreon!

content: smut, afab reader, dry humping, teasing, penetrative sex, etc.

wc: 212 (teaser); 1308 (full drabble)

sneak peak:

"You're the vain of my existence, you know that, right?", you groaned at Jungkook's sudden presence on your fire escape.

"Is that how you talk to your boyfriend? I spend all day fighting evil and come back to nothing but disrespect," he complained jokingly, making his way into your room as if he owned the place.

"Boyfriend? Last I remember, I'm dating Spiderman, not Jeon Jungkook. Jeon Jungkook never asked me out," you trailed behind him, guiding him to take a seat in your couch.

"That joke's getting so old," he boo'd at you, "Plus, I literally have the suit on. Should I put on the mask? Is my face that ugly?" he continued his complaints, taking a seat on your couch and pulling you towards him, his inhuman strength managing to get you straddling him with minimal effort.

"No," you coo'd, "I like Jungkook's face just fine," your hands went to play with his hair, kissing at his cheek softly, "So, who were the bad guys today? Robbers? Bullies?"

"Nothing much today, just some guy stealing a bike and then a lost cat," he mumbled, "Still spent most of the day patrolling, though," he said as he buried his face in your chest, allowing you complete access to playing with his hair.

...

find the 18+ continuation on kofi or patreon!

if you have trouble finding it on there, just let me know!!<3

[sttoru]

𝝑𝑒 synopsis. tired of the continuous bullying you’re receiving from the other concubines, you finally decide to stand up for yourself. the tension dulls when lord sukuna breaks the fight up.

tags. true form!ryomen sukuna x concubine!reader. sfw - angst kinda, little suggestive. mentions of bullying. violence. fighting. vile language. reader gets referred to as a ‘bitch, slut, whore’ by the concubines. reader gets referred to as ‘brat, woman’ by sukuna. not beta read bcs im sleepy. @ohimsummer, thank you for the idea LOL

you’re tired. tired of being treated like less by the others in sukuna’s harem. they’re salty—jealous—because of the shameless favoritism sukuna shows. you’re his favorite, the one he can’t seem to get enough of.

that’s exactly why you’re on the floor right now. you’ve fallen to your knees after tripping over a concubine’s foot. you were passing by to go to your headquarters, though apparently such a mundane thing can’t happen in this place without some woman interfering in the worst way possible.

“oops,” the blonde one laughs as she sees you on the wooden floor. you’re covered in food and some. . . gooey beverage. you don’t know what it is, but it’s making everything feel uncomfortably sticky. your clothes, your fingers, your skin. it’s starting to itch.

“should’ve looked where you were going,” another girl chimes in. the brunette. she feigns pity and throws a handkerchief in your face, causing the other concubines to giggle. there are three of them in total. they always stick together to bully you.

the one with green eyes speaks up as well, “now now, don’t be so harsh to the poor slut! she’s got no brain to use after all.”

the other two laugh as you try your best to stay calm. you’re always telling yourself to be the bigger person in difficult situations. you’re clenching your hands into fists, your body basically trembling in anger. you want to swing. to show them that you’re worthy of respect.

“aww, she’s gonna cry,” the blonde one pouts—a mocking pout that gets on your nerves. the laughs sounding from the trio are like nails on a chalkboard. you want to make it stop. you’re tired of keeping it civil, when they have never tried doing the same.

your eyes land on the serving tray next to your hands. the one they emptied on your head ‘by accident’. you take a deep breath and try to remind yourself that it’s probably best to go wash up. they desperately want a reaction out of you and you refuse to give it to them.

despite it all, you’re mad. you’ve gone through enough of this. all because of sukuna’s favoritsm. all because you’re you.

they’re salty that they can never be you. you’ve seen their pathetic attempts to put you down yet simultaneously try and copy your entire existence. thinking that would somehow get them in your position as sukuna’s favorite.

you’re sick and tired of it. today’s the day you show them exactly that. you’re going to show those women that you can and will beat some sense into them.

“oy, dumb slut, answ—” the blonde is interupted before she could finish her sentence. a loud bang reverberates through the hallway and everyone falls silent.

she’s the one on the floor now instead of you. you’re up, the wooden tray in your hands, the one you just used to smack the life out of her. she’s whimpering and holding her red cheek. a nasty bruise is sure to form on her skin; deserved.

“i’ll answer you, alright,” you mumble under your breath. you’re panting as the adrenaline keeps pumping. you stand over her and lift up the serving platter in the air once more—bringing it down over and over against her head, which she’s trying to shield with her hands.

the other two concubines are frozen in pure shock. you’re not thinking anymore. you’re on autopilot. the woman’s yelps and screeches are music to your ears. “hah. you sound as ugly as you look,” you spit on her, watching the blood trickle down the corner of her mouth. you lift your arms up to bring the wooden platter down on her body again, but you’re stopped.

the green eyed concubine had moved first. she grabs your wrists with one hand and smacks you across the face with the other. “have you lost your mind?!” she yells and raises her hand to slap you again. the disrespect you’re showing clearly was not expected nor is it welcomed.

“don’t you fucking touch me,” you kiss your teeth. you’re glaring at her with pure hatred. you push and slap her right back. you’re sure the blonde won’t be up for a while now—she’s done for.

you don’t know if you went a bit overboard with it, considering she’s barely conscious anymore, but you couldn’t care less at the moment.

you’re surprised when the third concubine yanks your hair. “oh, you little bitch!” the brunette grabs a bunch of your hair with both hands and tugs at it to drag you down on the floor. you wince in pain but quickly pull at her own brown locks. you struggle to keep your balance and your scalp aches.

you hate it when women go for your hair when fighting, though luckily you know your way out of it. you take a deep breath and bring her head down, lifting your left leg up at the same time. her forehead comes crashing down on your knee and she loosens her grip on your hair.

“disgusting,” you huff and take the opportunity to push her fragile body aside, making her trip over the blonde girl on the floor. you can’t help but think that your current state is quite similar to a certain someone.

the violence. the seething anger. you’ve seen this scene way too many times before. you’ve learnt it from him.

your thoughts are interrupted by someone pulling the back of your hair, causing you to stumble backwards. “a whore like you needs to be taught some manners,” the green eyed concubine sniffs and keeps a tight grip on your hair. she delivers a few punches to your face, which you actually struggle to block for a second.

the force hitting your nose makes it bleed. that only angers you further. you gather some saliva in your mouth before spitting it out right in the girl’s eyes. you take your chance and grab her hair, smashing her head against the nearby fusuma. the thin plaster the sliding doors are made out of breaks, and she falls right through into the other room.

“i think you all need to be taught how to act,” you pant and wipe the blood dripping down your chin with the back of your hand. you walk through the opening you made in the frail door, kicking the concubine right in the face as revenge for the nosebleed she gave you.

you crouch down, your fingers tangling into her hair. you yank her head up and stare her right in the eyes. there’s an eerie, dark look in yours. “why can’t you just accept that you’re nothing but trash in your lord’s eyes?” you sneer. you are pitying them instead of the other way around, like how it usually would be.

and they despise it.

“you fucking—” “bitch? slut? whore?” you finish her sentence for her with an exasperated sigh. you’ve heard those insults a thousand times before. it’s nothing new. it’s always the same nasty and repetitive comments. you slap the concubine in front of you again for good measure before standing up, “you should come up with something new. it’s getting boring.”

you walk over to the other two, who are still recovering. you add to your last comment with a shrug, trying to hit them where it hurts, “your repetitiveness explains why lord sukuna rarely calls for you at night. i bet your severe lack of creativity shows even in bed.”

“you’re just a boring and hopeless bunch,” you’re out for blood. the blonde and brunette are looking up at you with fear and the sight excites you for some reason. they’re crawling away, trying to go find someone who would save them. the servants are nowhere to be found. nor is uraume, who usually stops the petty arguments.

they’re terrified by how you’re acting right now. they’re clearly seeing sukuna in you. in your eyes and the aura you’re emitting.

you’re mirroring him, his merciless personality and all included. he’s subconsciously taking over your mind and it’s terrifying them.

your steps are heavy as you walk towards the concubines. you don’t pay attention to the blood trickling down your chin, nor do you care about the ache in your scalp from the earlier hair pulling. all you care about is getting revenge for yourself.

you could complain to sukuna and have him punish them in your place, but that wouldn’t be enough. you’re going to make sure that they don’t try you again any time soon. you grab the blonde by her arm, lifting your fist to punch her—

“oi, brat.”

your eyes widen and you snap out of your mad daze. sukuna’s voice shakes the floors with how loud it is. you whip your head to the side and see his tall figure standing at the end of the hallway—uraume being right behind him. it looks like they were the one that rushed to inform sukuna of the ruckus.

you drop the other concubine and look at the mess. the broken fusuma. the blood splatter on the wooden flooring. your disheveled hair and clothes. your bleeding nose. the crimson stained plate and spilt food that got everywhere.

it’s a complete mess.

sukuna doesn’t utter a word. he just glares right at you. you’re not sure if it’s because of your irresponsible behaviour or the mess you created. or both. he marches over to you and grabs you by the back of your collar with one big hand.

“m-my lord,” you whimper, nearly choking as you’re held up in the air like you weigh nothing, like one would do to a cat’s nape. one of sukuna’s hands keeps you up whilst the others hang limply by his side. his red eyes scan your body, moving up and then back down.

you don’t know what to say. you surely have overstepped a boundary - or multiple - with what you’ve done today. you’ve disturbed the peace in the estate and have caused damage to sukuna’s property. both to his women and the interior of his palace.

you cough up a bit of blood that was stuck in the back of your throat. you’re uncertain of how you should explain yourself. “i’m sorry, my lord. i didn’t know what came over me,” you apologise and look down at the floor below your feet. you’re too embarrassed to look the king of curses in the eyes.

sukuna stays silent. it’s nerve wracking since you have no idea what he’ll do in response to your outburst. his facial expression is blank, so you aren’t able to guess what’s going on in his head. it’s a complete mystery.

however, the tall man is secretly more amused than anything. what you’ve just done, is one of the most interesting things he has seen a human do. sukuna witnessed everything from the beginning to the end and thoroughly enjoyed it. from the way you used that serving plate as a weapon to the way you managed to get out of those concubines’ grasps each time.

it’s strange to sukuna; he felt something when he saw you in action like that.

pride? perhaps that’s it. sukuna can’t pinpoint the exact emotion, though if he were to describe it, the closest word would be indeed pride. he is proud to have discovered and witnessed that untamed side of yours. you’re always full of pleasant surprises that keep even a dangerous curse like him on his toes.

it’s why he will never get bored of you. he wishes to unleash your full potential one day.

sukuna finally breaks the silence with an amused snicker. one of his hands move to wipe the blood from your nose. you cringe when he slowly licks the red liquid from his fingers afterwards—clearly ravishing the metallic taste.

“y’ finally did something, huh?” sukuna grins wickedly. he knows of the harassment you’ve been going through and he couldn’t wait to see you snap like this one day.

it’s sickening that he allows the bullying to continue just for the sake of creating drama, but it’s also worth it to him, since he’s got to unlock a side of you he knew you had buried deep inside. sukuna is a selfish bastard. you know that much, yet you like it when he looks at you with a prideful gaze and grin.

it’s so obvious that sukuna took pleasure in what he’s witnessed. he couldn’t believe how much you actually resembled him in a way.

if he were to be honest: it turned him on like crazy. seeing how you fought back against those women and how nearly deranged you became. the degrading words you spewed. . . sukuna cannot get enough of it. if it were up to him, he’d have let you continue. but for your own sake, he decided against it.

as much as he loves that untamed side of yours, sukuna knew that he couldn’t let you go too far. not because he wants to defend those other women, but because he still needs you to stay sane. going down that path of violence surely will do you more damage than good.

he’ll fully corrupt you - your body and mind - one day. just not today.

sukuna lets you back on your feet after you nearly fail to breathe. he cocks his head to the side, still having a menacing smirk on his face. he roughly pinches your cheek, “it was entertaining, i’ll give you that, woman.”

you wince as sukuna pinches the exact cheek you had a bruise on. he’s never done so before, therefore you don’t have a clue about the meaning behind that gesture. though the compliment told you that he was pleased by the ruckus more than he was annoyed by it.

sukuna still hasn’t bat an eye to the other concubines. they are waiting for their lord to punish you for hurting them, but it all seems to be in vain. they know better than to speak up about that to him. they’re easily replaceable. they know that by now. it’s as clear as day.

you’ve drilled that into their head today.

the king of curses pushes your small body towards uraume and you nearly bump against their chest with how easily he moved you around. uraume catches you in time and helps you stand straight, awaiting their master’s orders.

sukuna checks you out one more time in that disheveled state, before you go back to your formal and reserved self. his interest in you has been piqued by today’s events and he wonders when he can experience that side of yours again. he nods at uraume, “make sure she’s properly taken care of.”

uraume doesn’t waste a single second after being given an order. “understood,” they reply curtly and keep you steady so you could walk with them towards the physician’s quarters.

you look up at sukuna, trying to catch a glimpse of him before you’re taken away. he’s staring right back at you, the corners of his lips twitching into another subtle grin. he’s surprisingly pleased and content with your actions.

however it’s also not so surprising, considering that he loves it when you show any hint of resistance or stubbornness. whether it’d be to him or to his concubines.

sukuna’s facial expression turns cold the moment you’re gone and he’s left with the mess. “she took the words right out of my mouth,” he stares down at the three women on the floor who’re still unable to stand. he’s not helping them up—that’s their own problem, “y’re a pathetic bunch.”

the concubines flinch as they hear the inevitable from their own lord. hearing it from you was frustrating, but hearing it directly from the man that’s taken them in is heartbreaking. they don’t dare look up at him in such pitiful states.

“all three of you,” sukuna addresses them sharply. his arms cross over his chest, a ruthless tone to his voice. the concubines tremble in his presence, though it’s partially still because of the fear you’ve implemented in their systems.

he would’ve killed them off right then and there, though you’ve done enough damage to them both physically and mentally for now.

sukuna however, still couldn’t care less about their wellbeing. their wounds and bruises are something they’ll need to fix on their own.

he points at the floor and broken door with his head before turning around to leave the miserable trio. sukuna leaves them with an order that’s usually left to the servants;

“clean up the damn mess you caused. it better be taken care of before i return. ‘nd i don’t wanna hear a single squeak from any of you about this.”

[dollaches]

— my wait is you

♡ closeted!abby anderson x fem!reader

synopsis: after deciding to stop seeing abby completely due to her inability to commit, she drops everything to make it up to you

a/n: from a req… im so sorry this sucks so bad & i did not proofread

warnings: closeted abby duh, owen gets his own tw, internalized homophobia i guess (?), mentions of crying, improper communication, secret relationships, kissing, sorta established relationship, whiney and needy abby, pussydrunk abs lol, dry humping (THE CROWD GOES WILD), face sitting, abby is a messy eater and a MUNCH, make up sex, mentions of strap usage, cursing, a little bit of angst in the beginning if you squint and turn your head away a little bit, fluff, cliffhanger idk if i’ll make a pt2, and pet names

wc: 3.8k

The bustle from all the people in the dining hall made it impossible to think and in some ways that was comforting, yet everyone's presence was a bit too overwhelming at the moment. 

You dropped a half finished sandwich into the trash, having no appetite after what you endured today. As you walk back towards your assigned room, the memories of Abby’s betrayal come flooding back. 

 It didn’t take long for you to realize that she wanted to live a double life, one in which she was with Owen and another where she was with you.But you were not going to give her the pleasure of having both, not when it’s fucking with your head as badly as it is.

Today you had been assigned patrol with Abby, who you just so happened to be avoiding like the plague as of late. It was easier to avoid her, as you knew if she were to look at you with her kind eyes, you would give in to her every request. 

Fate seemed to be against you, as you had the daunting task of facing her for almost an entire day. You brushed off every attempt she made to speak with you, your gun held tightly in your hands as the two of you left the base. 

The gentle “hey” that fell from her lips was only met with silence, your eyes focused on the path ahead. She knew you were pissed— knew she fucked up badly enough to ruin everything the two of you had built together. But she just didn’t know how to apologize to you for being unable to be openly out with you. 

Tension between the two of you became so thick during your journey that you could’ve cut it with a knife, but you refused to budge. 

Even when she tried to soothe you a bit by offering to stop by the old desolate book store the two of you had found, she was met with silence before you simply shook your head and looked away from her. 

It was eating away at every inch of her being, her hands twitching at her sides as she yearns to get her hands on you. She misses being close enough to breathe in your sweet scent, misses the way your soft hands felt against her skin— she missed everything. 

To you, she was simply being a pain and rubbing it in your face that she had chosen to be with Owen rather than you. So during the entire trip, you remained silent and didn’t allow Abby any comfort for once. She eventually went quiet, her jaw clenched tightly and her eyes narrowing at your form as the two of you got back to base. 

And even now as you walked towards the door to your room, you felt anger bubbling within your tummy due to the fall out between the two of you. Just as your hand touched the cool metal of the knob, you felt two warm hands rest on your waist. 

Your brows furrowed out of confusion, although you knew who was touching you just by the weight of their hands. 

Spinning to face her, you push Abby’s hands away and let a deep frown settle onto your lips. You offer her no words, simply taking her in as she stands before you. 

She looks tired, frustration etched into her features as she gazes down at you.

“What the fuck was all that today?” she questions, her anger showing despite the quietness of her voice. She’s keeping it down as per usual, never wanting anyone to even notice the two of you interacting beyond work duties.

“You haven’t let me speak to you for weeks. I miss you, okay? I get that you’re upset with me but don’t give me the silent treatment, just tell me I fucked up and let’s move on” she pleads, her words so rushed from nerves that you barely comprehend what she has said. 

Her words only make you want to scream at her, to make a huge scene just to show her how much she has hurt you. But you push it down, keeping your voice just as low as hers is.

“I’m not going to ‘move on’ from you dating some asshole that you don’t even like. I’m tired of you using me to satisfy your own needs so find some other girl who is willing to be your dirty little secret” you mutter bitterly, glancing down to notice the way her hands were flexing as she opened them only to clench them into fists once more. 

“I don’t want to see you anymore, Abby. And don’t even think about knocking on my door when he can’t give you what you want.” you seethe, turning your back on her and entering your room without giving her time to completely process your words before you slam the door in her face. 

Abby is left wide eyed, her plush lips parted as she is left alone with your harsh words. She goes to knock on your door out of instinct but pauses, her brows furrowing as irritation and desperation make an ugly mix within her. She lowers her hand, now moving with a determined stride towards Owen’s room. 

♡

With little to console you after the altercation, you had made the prompt decision to bury your face into your pillow and let your thoughts fade away as you fell into a dreamless sleep. It was comfortable, being so detached from everything around you even if it was only for a little while. 

However, any solace you had found was ripped from your hands as a heavy knock sounds on the door. A low groan sounds throughout your small room as you blindly move your hand onto the side table to try and find the lamp. 

Once the light switches on, another loud knock can be heard, the door shaking from the force. The second knock makes you rush towards the door, unsure of what to expect but believing it to be urgent. 

That is until you swing open the door, the dimly lit hallway showing you a very broken down Abby. Her braid has become messy and loose, her eyes red rimmed and glassy. She looks like a kicked puppy, so lost and scared. 

“I broke up with him, okay? It’s done, I swear” she blurts out breathlessly, not even giving you the chance to speak. The information takes a while to set in, the cogs in your mind slowly turning as you realize what she had said. 

It was over. She was yours and only yours now. 

It’s hard to speak as you try to process everything, leaving Abby with an aching silence. Tears begin to roll down her rosy cheeks, a pitiful whine emitting from her. 

“I know you’re probably still mad but please let me stay. You don’t even have to talk to me if you don’t want to, that’s fine. I just— I can’t be alone right now” she whispers weakly, taking a step closer to you so that she is standing inside your room. 

She sounds absolutely pathetic and you can’t help but relish in this moment, her pain making up for all you had gone through these last few weeks. You let her come inside, simply shutting your door as a sign that she can stay for the night. 

But you’re toying with her, knowing exactly where all these pent up emotions are coming from. You don’t let her get too close, as you want to see just what she wants from you. 

“Thank you, thank you” she breathes, relieved to at least be welcome in your room once more. Her shaky hand pushes back her hair to soothe herself, the ache in her body worsening as she realizes you’re wearing the smallest pair of pajama shorts she has ever seen. 

It’s enough to leave her feeling dizzy, her eyes flickering back up to meet your own. “You look absolutely perfect” she mumbles, no tears to be found as she feels countless weeks worth of energy beginning to boil over. 

Her words make you feel all warm inside, as you know she is all yours now. You need her just as much as she needs you but you are unwilling to confess that just yet. 

So you give her a soft hum of acknowledgment at her words, simply turning away and mindlessly rearranging your bed, purposely bending over so your shorts ride up just enough for her to see your panties. 

Abby is falling apart in your hands, her eyes lingering on your ass far too long. She had spent these last few weeks picturing you just like this, her fingers buried in her cunt as she got off to the thought of you. 

But now here you were in all your glory, and she wasn’t about to let this opportunity pass. With a few quick steps, she is behind you, your back pressing against her chest as she pins you down against the bed with ease. 

“What the fuck” you huff, your brows furrowing as you try to squirm out of her grasp but to no avail. “I’m sorry, baby. I’m so fucking sorry, can’t you see that?” she whispers, her arms being wrapped around you so tight, scared that you would leave her at any moment. 

Seconds after she speaks, her hips begin rocking against you, desperately humping your ass like a woman who had been deprived of something holy for so long. The warmth of her body combined with her little pleas makes you let out a soft moan, breathy and barely there but just enough to let Abby know that you are enjoying this. 

“Jesus, Abs. M’ not going anywhere, calm down” you mutter, your words broken up by how harshly she is rubbing up against you, her movements displaying just how needy she is. Her hold on you doesn’t budge, simply focusing on your scent and how warm you feel against her. 

She shakes her head feverishly, her breath warm against the back of your neck. “Need to touch you, missed you so much” she breathes frantically, as if she were in some sort of frenzy that could only be soothed by touching you. 

The way she rubs up against you has your core aching, desperate for relief that only Abby could give you. “Missed you too, fuck” you huff, trying to be the one in power but failing miserably. Even in her desperate state, Abby finds a way to keep you dumb for her, your mind only filled with thoughts of her giving you the relief you have been craving for so long. 

Your confession blows up Abby’s ego a massive amount, her nerves dissipating since she knew the misery she felt without you was shared between the two of you. 

“Yeah, baby? You have a funny way of showing it. You’ve been such a little brat, avoiding me and not letting me touch you at all” she grunts, the rocking of her hips faltering as her mind is flooded with a need to be closely connected with you. 

“M’ sorry” you huff, still a little frustrated by her previous actions which meant you were unable to be empathetic towards her. Abby pays you no mind as she stops grinding against you completely, helping you get back into an upright position by pulling you by your arms. 

“Can you get on the bed for me, sweet girl?” she asks hopefully, unsure if you would even agree to what she wanted to do. Much to her surprise, you nod your head slightly and crawl onto your bed so you can make yourself comfortable. 

Your chest heaves with anticipation, watching Abby’s every move to try and figure out what she wanted to do. After taking off her boots and setting them off to the side, she gets on the bed, her large frame being rather intimidating as she spreads your legs open so that she can settle between them. 

She’s laying on her tummy, nuzzling her cheek against your inner thigh affectionately as she keeps her gaze focused on you. “Can I taste you, angel? Been thinking about your cunt so much, need to see her again” she mutters, sounding borderline delirious just from the idea of being able to lap at you like a woman starved. 

“Mmph, just a little” you say after a moment of thinking, wanting to remind her that being able to touch you like this was a privilege that only you could give her. A pleased grin appears on her lips as you give her permission, nodding her head eagerly. 

“Thank you, thank you” she breathes out, pressing a few open mouthed kisses to your inner thighs that leave you aching for more. “Gonna make you feel so good, need to make you come” she hums as she backs up, hooking her fingers under your little shorts along with your panties in one swift movement. 

You feel so exposed to her, finding the feeling only adds to your arousal. Abby takes a moment to consider her options before she decides on exactly how she wants to do this. 

She uses her thumb to rub soothing circles on your hips, her expression warm and comforting. “Need you to sit on my face, doll. I wanna feel all of you, want to taste all of you. Is that okay?” she questions in a pleading manner, as if she would burst into tears if you were to deny her. 

The request makes your heartbeat a little faster, knowing that Abby can barely contain herself whenever she is eating you out. But after weeks of going without her attention, you’re just as needy as she is. 

“It’s okay with me, just wanna feel good” you whine, unable to mask your excitement now that she was soothing you completely. She takes notice of how eager you are and decides to make it her personal mission to make you come until she’s decided you’ve had enough. 

“Sweet thing, so eager” she coos, giving your hip a gentle pat as a sign for you to start switching positions. You are quick to follow her command, moving out of the way so she can lay down flat on her back. She waits for you to move, glancing at you only to find that you’ve yanked off your t-shirt, the sight of you alone pulling a porn worthy moan from her. 

“That’s a good girl” she praises, so pleased that you were completely bare while she remained clothed, as it only reinforced the control she felt she had over you. Shakily, you begin to move up the bed so that you can get into the proper placement. 

With your hands holding onto the wall in front of you for stability, you manage to straddle Abby’s head so that she can stare directly up at your heat. “So fucking pretty” she practically pants as she sees you in all your glory, her strong hands grasping your hips with a bruising grip. 

It’s not as if you minded, as whenever she decided to show off her strength you found yourself completely enamored. “You sure this is okay, Abs? Don’t wanna hurt you…” you trail off slightly, not wanting her to be unable to breathe or anything like that. 

“Baby, if I die with you sitting on my face, I will die doing what I love” she quips in a playful manner, wanting to help you relax. Her words make you smile in the slightest bit, the tension that coursed through your body now melting away. 

“Shut up” you mutter playfully, her teasing remark making your tummy flutter. “As you wish” she states quickly, not giving any explanation before she pulls your hips down onto her face. 

It’s a bit of a shock to feel her gentle licks against your pussy, a low gasp being pulled from you as warmth spreads throughout your lower half. She’s being messy on purpose, now licking long stripes up and down your cunt, pausing for a moment to messily kisses your clit before moving her tongue lower. 

The sensation is enough to make you tremble, your hands weakly grasping at the wall as you try to stay upright. “Jus’ like that” you moan out, your folds so slick that Abby can’t stop herself from moaning due to the complete mess you’re making on her. 

Your statement entices her to work harder, now tonguing as your slit to test the waters. The position is almost too perfect, her nose bumping against your clit while she obscenely slurps up all your arousal. 

With the pleasure being doubled, you find yourself unable to keep your eyes open any longer, now squeezing them shut as you let ecstasy course through your being. Broken up moans leave your lips as you practically hump her face, needing her nose to rub up against your clit just a little more. 

There are no complaints from Abby, as it let her know that you were feeling good. She dips her tongue into your entrance, fucking her tongue so deep into you that you swear it’s almost better than when she fucks you open on her thick fingers. 

“Jesus Christ, s’ too much” you say after a string of pitiful mewls, your hips stuttering against her as the pleasure begins to reach its peak. She couldn’t care less, as she needed her fix of you or she might actually lose her mind. 

Your scent consumes her whole being, you taste heavy on her tongue. It’s enough to make her ravenous, now using her firm grip on your hips to guide your movements so that you don’t have to do it by yourself. Her tongue continues to stretch you open, fucking you at a rhythmic pace that keeps pace with the way she is rocking your hips against her. 

In a complete daze, you grope your tits, trying to pretend it’s her hands instead just to maximize the goodness of the feeling. And it truly works, as all the pleasure combines to make something completely blinding and overpowering. 

It’s everything you’ve been craving since you began avoiding her and now it’s all yours. 

“Abs, gonna come, you gotta slow down” you whine, your lungs burning from the amount of effort it takes to breathe in properly. Your pleas don’t discourage her at all, as all she chooses to focus on is that you are about to get off just from her tongue. 

So she keeps her firm pace, burying her face into your cunt as if it were a sanctuary that only belonged to her. It’s all too much, the way you can feel her spit coating your folds and you can only imagine how soaked the lower half of her face must be. 

You can only whine as she refuses to yield and so you find yourself rubbing teasing circles against your hardened buds, trying to match her timing. And within a moment or two, you let out an incomprehensible string of words, moaning so loud that you knew others on the base will be talking about the two of you tomorrow.

You couldn’t care less, too focused on the way the band that had tightened in your tummy had finally snapped and left you feeling euphoric. Your cunt clenches around Abby’s tongue as you come, a low whine leaving her as she feels your gummy walls tighten up even further. 

You ride it out, practically bouncing against her since it was hard to move properly even with her help. But it all becomes overwhelming so quickly that you raise your hips the best you can, Abby’s hold on you fading away since she knew you needed time to recover. 

After carefully changing your position, you lay down beside her, your breathing still being labored and you can’t help but smile at how much Abby is panting alongside you. The stickiness between your thighs doesn’t bother you much, much more focused on the girl who was lying beside you. 

You turn onto your side, facing her enough so that you can give her a sweet kiss. You can still taste yourself on hee tongue, shivers coursing through your form as she eagerly kisses you back. It’s lazy and messy, both of you being so tired out. So you let her tongue glide against yours, moaning against her lips before she gently bites your lower lip. 

She pulls away after she gets a small whine from you, a grin spreading onto her features. She is completely different from how she came into your room earlier, her eyes dazed and her whole being practically radiating warmth. You were glad to see the change, as after all that the two of you had been through, you both deserved some relief. 

“You’re a mess” you state playfully, noticing that her nose and mouth were completely coated with your slick. “Good” she quips, swiping her thumb against her chin to gather up some of your leftover juices and pushing the digit into her mouth to suck it clean. 

The sight leaves you feeling flustered yet strangely proud that she finds the taste of you to be so pleasing. You press your naked body against her, needing some comfort after everything that went down today. 

She is quick to wrap you up in her arms, not even caring if you make a mess on her clothes. “You did so good, baby. You’re all mine” she hums soothingly, pressing a gentle kiss to the top of your head as you hide your face against her chest. 

You don’t reply, simply wanting to let her words sink in and make you feel safe once more. Abby would never force you to speak, especially when she can tell you’re so sensitive and tired. It’s as if the two of you are having your first time together once more, but this time had much more being for both of you. 

A comfortable silence falls between the two of you as she mindlessly traces shapes along your back to keep you at ease. But she just can’t help herself, not when she has been aching to make you come multiple times. 

“You still got my strap, angel? I think you can take a little more, hm?” she questions, her voice low and soft. The suggestion has your eyes going wide, always amazed by her stamina. You were more than eager to comply, raising your head so you can nod quickly. 

“Gonna fuck you nice and stupid so you can sleep well” she states calmly, as if it were the most natural statement ever. With the way it rolls off her tongue with ease, you can almost convince yourself that it is normal. 

A lazy grin crosses your features as you take in the idea of her burying her thick strap into your cunt. “S’ still in the closet— if you wanna…” you whisper timidly, suddenly feeling shy under her persistent gaze. 

“Of course I want to, sweet girl. Tonight is all about you, I swear” she states smoothly, giving you a quick kiss as she begins to get up to search for exactly what she needs. 

Although you’re in for a long night, you couldn’t be more excited to be sharing it with her.