#neverending i fear
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it's also about the self but that's a given
#described in alt text#my art#my comic#my ocs#lidkaer#was wondering 'why is every story i write lowkey the same?' its cause its always about that damn fear and body and self like darn#thinking about that lame poem i made with the banger line 'art is a neverending vivisection' like yea bro i guess it fucking is#all this cause of onepiece aus do you believe that.
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How do you feel about the increase in really weird NSFW ads on here (advertising panels that look like sexual encounters, and AI art apps that pride themselves on porn) but will take down NSFW posts from their users, even if it isn't technically sexual.
i hate all social media and it's consistent prioritising the advertisers over the users and the internet simply was a better place before capitalism sunk its hooks into it
#i could write essays about how capitalism ruined the internet.#i was actually talking to someone earlier today about how youtube was kind of effectively ruined by monetisation.#and they were raised in the soviet union and we had a bit of a talk about how art was better because it wasn't for profit.#the people who made art made it because they wanted to do it and because they loved it.#she said that communism was terrible for every aspect of life for her. people's lives under communism wasn't pretty.#but the art was better. and i feel like it's true for the internet – it was better when it was a free-for-all.#the companies didn't know how to exploit it yet and turn it into a neverending profit-driven hellscape.#people created content because they wanted to. because they wanted to make something silly to make people laugh.#not for profit. not for gain. not for numbers. not to further their career.#i miss the days of newgrounds and youtube before monetisation.#capitalism has soiled everything that's joyful and good in this world.#people should be able to share whatever they want.#people should be able to tell any story they want without the fear of being silenced by advertisers.#that's what made the internet so beautiful before. anyone could do anything and we all had equal footing.#but now we're victims of the algorithm. and it makes me sick.#i'm quitting my job in social media. i'm quitting it. it makes me too depressed. i have an existential crisis every freaking day.#every day i wake up and say "ah. this is the fucking hell we live in#i'm so sorry i feel so passionate about this.#social media is a black hole and it is actively destroying humanity. forget ai. social media is what's doing it.#i miss how beautiful the internet used to be. it should've been a tool for good. but it's corrupt and evil now.#sci speaks
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quickest warm up scribbles of sum less common König skins that i love while i gotta wait 4 mf antibiotics bc ig my body has the immune strength of a dying victorian child 🙃🔫 the man yearns for the slop of the earth ☢💚
#könig#wasnt gunna bother posting it here since theres significantly less cod ppl on tumblr than twitter but fuggit posting it for records sake#what can i say this mortal flesh prison im trapped in until the sweet release of death hates my guts!!!!#this whole year has been can of worms after can of worms of health problems i s2g#and my knowing fear of getting wrapped up in the neverending web of medical bills and issues was right all along lmfao#ANYWAY i got 5 more pages left im hoping the comic update will be in around 3 weeks maybe less#call of duty#konig#cod#call of duty modern warfare 2#konig modern warfare#modern warfare#call of duty modern warfare#my art#doodle#sketch#fanart#fish
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I don't wanna be scared anymore!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
#kae.txt#its crazy cause my last neighborhood had maybe not the greatest reputation but i hear one (1) circling helicopter and i start freaking#tf out now#what if theres a guy.what if the police think im the guy.what if the guy goes to my sisters school.what if...its neverending my god. enough#im more scared about break ins now cause im in the house by myself for like 7hrs and then with baby for another 2-3 and what if something#happens i cant defend myself !?! as i recently explained im dying first or second in a horror scenario 😐#its not even like an irrational fear either#well anyways. morning
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last thoughts before bed but I really wish Jadus haunted the agent more or appeared in some really freaky nightmares, both pre and post-Castellan. if you don't talk him down you never truly sleep at night; you never conquer your fears, and thus, he never leaves. you can feel him there. he says he's inside you. peel open your chest and see, you within me, and me within you. in that far reach beyond your dreams, where your decisions play on repeat. where he waits, and he aches.
just. the agent haunted perpetually by him. of course winning against him is too easy, too unreal-- the mind copes by pretending you've lost instead.
#swtor#ooc#that neverending fear that he might return as promised someday#or what you've done on the dominator#i do miss his presence on the agent.#it's overshadowed by everything that happens by chapter 3 in terms of mindbreak#but it'd be nice if that returned now when it's been so long :^)#gimme mindbreak.#i also love thinking about the agent and jadus in general#it's so mysterious. so impossible to be acknowledged by someone that imposing#i don't exactly want him to come back in the story but i miss his influence#and the way he seeped into every crack.
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leland is a perfect mirror for other people, i think. both in the way where he’s changeable, easily influenced because he isn’t really sure who he is when he’s not keeping up with someone else’s image of him, lacks a certain security about it. but also in the way where he tends to show people pieces of themselves without really trying. his heart being so earnestly (and usually stupidly) out in the open tends to open others up to their own softness over time. uncomfortable to look into the mirror at first for people who are more naturally closed off. but i like that in so many of my dynamics he has a positive affect on others that he has no idea about.
#like aren’t you scared of being hurt? dude of course. it’s probably going to happen whether i try to stop it or not tho#but how u ever gonna know if u don’t put yourself out there and through the fuckin wringer sometimes#the fear uncertainty horror is neverending bro but so is the love
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something invokes the carnal rage in me when a grown man rages like a two-year old over a video game
#it makes me think of the mothers trying to act like theyre defusing an already blown up bomb and it's literally just#idk#it just gives me the ick im srry the moment i hear one 'me' entitled statement and it's not like#clearly burnt out 'i kinda know im being ironic' ventong#venting LMAO#and just genuine sorrow for urself#over a Digital Game#i just cant srry#maybe it's my youngest to an older brother who everyone gets the ages flipped around Not just from looks but actual Acting#syndrome#and of course context plays a part too like if u have a stressful af job and just wanted to rewind? understandable. id be pissed too#but mfers who just Sit there and continue to stink the whole room up is like. ok. get some air or smthin#i do Not fuck around with throwing or damaging expensive shit ESPECIALLY if u did not pay for it#idk im naturally good at video games i think only bcs i only had access to old one that were way above my age audience#so i had to develop a sense of patterning not just to have competition but to just play the game at all#but still i have gotten frustrated at games bcs everyone gets frustrated at smthing#but usually now. at my grown age. (even tho i Rarely ever game anymore bcs i cant rlly so anything not active in my mind#bcs of Guilt and Constant Dread of Judgement)#when i find myself getting frustrated it's bcs im purposefully either playing a harder level/mode/with better ppl so i can advance#and the advancing is just not happening#i acknowledge that and accept not every difficulty can be passed at one time or at all sometimes in my limited time/care so i just either#Shut it Off. or go back down to a pace i know can just be carefree#i DO have a thing where i Need to end on a win. which is not good bcs i do that with everythin (like sports) in order to justify me quittin#but if i have to get out of the rlly competitive lobby to get my dopamine then i will bcs this is meant to give u that#anyways it's just insane. ted complains abt superfocus while being superfocused himself on the concept of superfocus#the neverending story#DO anything not active** idk it's my fear of death maybe that i disease myself with everything needing a purpose when it comes to gain
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#undertale#shifting quiet#slay the princess#friskriel#sorry for maintagging my silly polls it will happen again#flowisk#polls#otp: not letting go#I swore I'd already queued or drafted this#but I didn't#there is a correct answer#think about reset hells#of being the only people in the world who share that power#the only ones who can understand#think of chaos and love and violence and forgiveness and trust and pain and fear#you've died by someone's hand over and over do you still extend your own hand to them?#do you push away the fears that they might be still be a grave danger to everyone?#what about facing off against a godlike version of someone at the climax trying desperately to get through to them?#pushing past the noise and the grandiosity and the declarations to get the heart of things to help the prince(ss) remember who they were#before all this? only to find them...kind calm and remorseful wanting to finally put this neverending cycle of violence behind them#a royal who changed drastically in almost every sense#a protagonist with a villainous narrator in their brain#an offer to come with them to start a new life together free of violence and resets#any a that speak to you?
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someday. someday i will post my analysis of how trust and loss are the driving force for both fitpac and spiderbit..... maybe when im not so tired (and that is: never)
#qsmp#blah blah fitpac neverending slowburn bc of the fear of loss....... spiderbit marriage speedrun bc of the same fear.... yeah#i worded it weird. like ofc trust and loss are the basis of a lot of relationships. but alas#my english is not at its best and also idc too much
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is utena imprinted on your memory so hard you remember which parts of the soundtrack belong to which scenes or are you normal
#FUCK man the brainrot is neverending#but also jokes aside i think this evidence of how fucking effective that show is#THAT i remember the music and the scenes it belongs to so clearly is a testament to how fucking well those elements are applied w one anoth#tunes talks utena#but also repetition (REVOLUTION HA) in utena is such an incredibly important theme and this is reflected and reinforced in how it uses it's#soundtrack#that orpheus has only TWO applications in the entire show (fake destruction of the castle which is thought of as world ending and terrifyin#and 2. when utena and anthy are off to destroy what the castle means fr) and those two applications being thematically tied together is SO#good#if anything w that specific example orpheus is a bookend to the specific idea of destroying a system and how part of what's used to deter#its destruction is the fear that it's falling pieces will crush you#that you have no choice but submission
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yeah i have to stop reading the comics
aw man
#i have a big bone to pick with american comics as a concept i fear#its so neverending and reboot after reboot and i have reader fatigue#and frankly think batman (the series) has lost a lot of its intial appeal#or at least the appeal it had after its first issues ever#a youtuber put it succintly how batman was kind of the 'anti-superhero' superhero#batman is about stealth detective work and combating the seedy underbelly of gotham#and while i dont hate how batman is more tied to the general dc mythos (i love that !!! i love young justice and JLU)#it makes it hard for batman (the franchise) to exist in the dark shadowy bubble that is gotham#a lot of batman plots be so wacky nowadays kghskfh and hey they kind of always were!! poison ivy was a crazy plant lady#jokers a clown#but idk once we start getting into demons and magic and shit it starts feelin :( eh!#what do you mean damian has a secret brother HOW MANY SECRET KIDS CAN WE BE HAVING-- wait no talia just killed him OFASIhdsfdisghfisgdfa
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the voices the fucking voices (telling me to try non-vegetarian food)
#neverending battle actually because i just get so sad thinking abt all the amazing food i'm missing out on#and it must not be a big deal to u guys but growing up in a vegetarian family and in a largely vegetarian environment really#pushed this deeprooted fear of change in me. like trying non veg feels irreversible somehow#and i dont have religious obligations im really just afraid#ARRGHHHGHGH every month i go through this cycle of agony and self control
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shoutout to whoever was making the "share the love" cs anonymous asks on a bunch of blogs because i went through the cs tag putting those all into another tab and now i'm gonna read (broke out my scientific calculator that i use for super scientific reasons like chemistry and not at all for calculating silly little things) 350k words worth of fanfic (on top of the 13 something k words i just read as a treat, and the 200k words i read across two days a few days ago for funsies. these are all going onto a funky little list on google docs. and will be very graciously refuelling me every time i hit writersblock
#whoever it was you have literally done god's work and i hope you see this and know you have my neverending support and praise#i salute you#look i KNOW 350k is rooky numbers but maybe you should consider the fact that i am VERY picky when it comes to fanfic#so that's actually REALLY generous#i mean i haven't checked for paragraph breaks so we'll see because that could cut it down even more#goodness i thought i managed to kill my love for fanfic dead#somebody come save me (please don't or else i'll never finish the fic i'm writing)#ouat#once upon a time#captain swan#killian jones#emma swan#so unhinged so if you know me irl DON'T LOOK AT ME#i believe that this very well may be the benefit of what one may call a “sideblog” but i fear it's very well too late for that lmao
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I feel SO bad right now and it’s annoying. I just wanna draw in peace. Like why am I suddenly being attacked by intense anxiety and dysphoria?? I am literally just drawing wtf
#꒰ v’s rambling ꒱#vent in the tags… be warned#but uh#I just feel so. so shitty#and I’m sure I’ve said it a lot already#but I wanna get it off my chest#I keep doubting my identity. keep trying to force myself to be cis with the stupidest reasons I could come up with#and it leads me to this neverending stream of fear. self doubt. gender dysphoria. and anxiety#It’s the worst. I want to stop doing this cycle over and over again#My brain keeps telling me I’m wrong. maybe this is just a phase or whatever#when I know it isn’t.#I don’t know why this happens#I just know it’s terrible. It’s why I haven’t been feeling well#It might be because my gender is quite fluid#Most times I identify as a guy. sometimes I identify as agender#and plus. I’m very GNC#or at least I wish I was. so that messes me up#it makes me think ‘ah. I’m not actually trans then’#and it’s stupid. it’s so dumb.#especially when you realize I almost cried today due to gender envy lol#like fuck man I just wanna be a silly little happy guy#is it really that hard?#but uh. yeah whatever I’ll be fine#don’t worry about me .w.
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When is life supposed to get better again? When does it get easy? When will I wake up without everything worrying me...and when will I snap back into reality and feel light again. Without any fear, with the ability to know I'm secure and loved. To have my health no longer be failing me and to not care what others think.
Idk I'm just a miserable bitch and life will always be as horrible as it ever has been,
But God am I trying so hard for it to not be
I just wish I had a break so I can be...light. just for once.
#summer shut up#if it werent for my son life is just a neverending nightmare and im so surprised i havent killed myself yet#when will i be loved? so truly and purely. i want something soft and sweet with butterflies#the kind of love that makes you blush by yourself. the kind of love where you look at the person and want to shut down because everything#everything hits you. i want something so soft sweet and pure. someone to open doors for me. write me poetry. take pictures when i dont ask#i want to be able to talk about anything without fear i want it to be mutual just so head over heels for one another#i just want the pinnacle of romance and love it makes me want to throw up and then i want that to be the model for how my son treats his#his future partners. makes me want to throw up that i have to go through it all essentially alone#i just want to be understood and not pacified by my partners too god thats just romance#i want my health to get better im tired of being sick im tired of dying im TIRED.#like get this tumor out of my fuckin head already yeah i renoved 2 already but the one underneath my brain is cramping my fucking style#i feel like im going to die soon and i dream about it so vividly and its just so bitter sweet#anyways i dont have anywhere else to vent and im crying myself to sleep bc im overwhelmed with how bad life truly is#just when will it get easier? i just want to run away from all of it. my health#i need a job im supporting an almost 1 yr old by myself im not doing okay#when does it get easier!!!!!!!i want to scream#i know im stupid just disregard this im melting down
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Guys guys I wanna hear who your favourite avatar is and why! Please! I would love to hear your opinions!
#just if you want to ofc#i just think fear avatars are kind of neat ok-#aaand my obsession with this podcast is kind of neverending#the magnus archives#the magnus archive#tma podcast#tma brainrot#magnus pod
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