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#next therapy app is in a month lol
thisismeracing · 2 months
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The one | CS55
― Pairing: Carlos Sainz x fem!reader (she/her) ― Warnings: mentions of break up and food; typos. ― Summary: Yn is doing well a few months after her break up with Carlos, and so is he. Everyone thinks that this paragraph of their lives is over, but as it happens they may be a chapter to each other, and Yn makes sure everyone knows he was her great love, the one - through her new song. ― A/n: None of the pictures used are mine, they are all from Pinterest and other apps, but the work is, and I do not allow it to be published on a different platform. I would appreciate it if those things could be taken into consideration 💛
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February, 2023
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February, 2024
realyn
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liked by charles_leclerc, sza, and others
realyn "The One" has just come out on all streaming platforms. I hope this piece of my heart reaches yours. Tune in and dive into the feels 💐🤍
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saintsainz "for old time's sake" HELLO?????
ynsummer omg another bop!!! I wish I could write songs when I'm sad, the few breakups I had I could only cry and try not to choke on my own phlegm
⤷ fan2000 ewwww LOL
hammert1m3 charles on the likes 👀
leclowns1655 in my head they're not over yet
⤷ mercmickey you need therapy, bestie
lewishamilton great music as usual 💜
francisca.cgomes 😍😍
szadirection I love how the grid's still here supporting here even a year after she and carlos broke up 🥺
popyn WE WERE SOMETHING DON'T YOU THINK SOOO ROSÉ FLOWING WITH YOUR CHOSEN FAMILY 🎤🎤🎤🎤
ferraristrangers I have so many theories for the lyrics and the cover and kksjksdj aaaaaaaa
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Old posts
March, 2018
realyn
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liked by lewishamilton, ynfan, and others
realyn eat pasta, run fasta, they said 😋😂
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bieberf1 they my new fav couple now 💋
raintyresainz thank you for feeding us that last carlos pic
hurricaneyn welp now I wanna eat pasta but its like the middle of the night
⤷ alonsochamp eat pasta, sleep fasta 😙😂
carlossainz55 ❤️❤️
amarelorenault her glasses are so cool!!!!! her style is always on point
carlossainz55
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liked by yourfriend, fernandoalo_oficial, and others
carlossainz55 we tried homemade, it worked 😋
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realyn we didn't run fasta this time though :(
⤷ carlossainz55 there wasn't any race this Sunday, cariño
⤷ realyn shhhh, let me be funny
harrystylistee I want what they have!
April, 2018
realyn
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liked by hulkhulkenberg, renaultf1team, and others
realyn enjoyed April with my fav spaniard, wrote a few songs for you guys - new album dropping soon!!!!! 🥳
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aussiegrid howd you like Australia, Yn?
⤷ realyn I loved it, def gonna come back soon 🥰
ynfan 💙💙💙💙💙💙
carlosfullname1 where’s your jacket from?
⤷ realyn website.com 😘
fab2000 can’t wait for the new song and espec the new album!!!!!
July, 2018
carlossainz55
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liked by pierregasly, realyn, and others
carlossainz55 Yn's new album "I used to know her" is out now and you guys should run to listen to it 💙💙 she did an amazing job as usual. I'm very proud of you, cariño @ realyn
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lewishamilton congrats, Yn!
hulkhulkenberg everyone here loved the new album, well done, Yn!
renaultf1team its our garage soundtrack 😎💛
March, 2019
realyn
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liked by landonorris, mclaren, and others
realyn the past few months wearing papaya have been amazing! 🧡 and yes, last concert clothes were orange bc of the team
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landonorris looks like the concert clothes gave us some luck, make sure to wear orange again next time!
⤷ realyn I love you guys but I can't be wearing orange all the time
⤷ yourmanager yes, you can
⤷ realyn shut up, I'm gonna fire your ass
⤷ yourmanager no, you won't
⤷ carlossainz55 jajajaja
tifosinha I love how lando looks like their kid 😂
spaincarlos_ not yn and carlos adopting lando lol
ynfan4 her music taste is *chef kiss* 🤌🏾
ynandsainz yn, your album still on repeat on my apple music!
mclaren 🧡🧡
December, 2019
carlossainz55
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liked by charles_leclerc, hulkhulkenberg, and others
carlossainz55 ¡Feliz Navidad! 🎄❤️
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saturnracer FELIZ NAVIDAD TAN TAN TAN PROSPERO AÑO Y FELICIDAD 🎤
szalover 😭😍 its the way she loves pasta
⤷ cowboyvettel @ realyn pasta or carlos? choose one
⤷ realyn carlos cooking pasta 😙😋😜
July, 2020
realyn
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liked by lewishamilton, fernandoalo_oficial, and others
realyn compilation of some of the flowers Carlos gave me and pics he took 💖 Te amo, cariño 💐🌷🌹🌸🌺🌼🌻
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fonedirection God I see what youve done for others
carlossainz55 you’re my favorite flower, love 🌸💖
⤷ fernandoalo_official you guys know how to be sicklengly cute huh 🙄
piastripastry see? carlos gets flowers regularly to yn and yall out there crying over an ugly ass man who gives you the bare minimum 🫵
March, 2021
realyn
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liked by carlossainz, scuderiaferrari, and others
realyn new character unlocked hehe ❤️💛🏎️
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ynfrance We want a new album, queen!!! save us!
swiftverstappen the way they went through everything togerher 🤧
⤷ russellsainz I want what they have
monegasque16 another day another yn post to make me cry in single and alone
carlossainz55 thank you for the endless support, cariño 💛 you’re my everything
tifosisunshine you’re 😭 my 😭 everything 😭
August, 2022
carlossainz55
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liked by landonorris, pierregasly, and others
carlossainz55 my kind of free-weekends 🩵
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sunnyyn yn looks so good 😍😍
yourbestie ❤️ aweee
realyn te amo! 😘
January, 2023
realyn
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liked by lewishamilton, francisca.cgomes, and others
realyn happy new year 🙃
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charlsmonaco where's carlos? 😟
mylightyn I don't like this vibe…
ynwardrobe what is she reading?
lewishamilton 💙
⤷ mclatinha lew do you happen to know something we don’t?
carlossainz55
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liked by landonorris, fernandoalo_oficial, and others
carlossainz55 ¡Feliz Año Nuevo! 🎉
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brocedes2010 where's Yn??????
schumini_ at least they seem to be on the same place 🙏🏾🙏🏾
redsainz he looks so good it hurts
back to 2024 💬📩
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────── ⋆🪩 VOICEMAIL: Hi! I hope you guys liked this piece! I'm set on publishing my drafts but I need time to work on them, this one was saved for a while now, and it's finally here heheh let me know your thoughts!
If you liked this piece and want early access to new ones and exclusive access to others, subscribe to my patreon!💘
▸ check my main masterlist | patreon guide and my taglist.
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chaotic-on-main · 7 months
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Epilogue
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☾ Pairings ➼ Levi Ackerman x fem!mute!Reader (she/her pronouns), set in a modern semi-fictional world
☾ Summary ➼ Due to childhood trauma, you find yourself an adult without the ability to speak. After years of working on it, you have found ways to live without a voice. Now here in your late 20s, you are 5 months in getting used to a new town. On a fateful day in late November, you and your adopted sister visit a local bookstore-café, unaware of the friendships about to blossom. Throughout the months, one friendship in particular develops into something more.
☾ Content/Warnings ➼ fluff, slowburn, oblivious feelings, romance, angst, mention of minor character deaths, trauma, illness, adoption, mentions of fire, disabilities, alcohol use, very light nsfw mentions, references to child abuse, smoking and alcohol abuse mentions, domestic violence, light assault, eventual smut
☾ Author's note ➼ Heeeeyy I'm back. If you haven't had an eye on my masterlist for Unspoken Words, you might have missed that I've been working on an epilogue. SURPRISE. If you have, then here it is lol. I am OFFICIALLY done with UW and I'm so sad about it. ALSO for some reason my tumblr app hates me and any time I italicize a line, it italicizes the entire paragraph and I have no idea why. As always, the sign language lines are marked with ' and speaking lines marked with ".
Thank you to anyone who has taken time out of their lives to read my "little" story. I enjoyed writing about this little world and I could not be happier to know that most of you liked reading it. I appreciate you more than you know. Can you believe this is around 100k words? Crazy. Anyways, I'm gonna go write some more, I'll see ya around! <3
☾ Word Count ➼ ~4k
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Reddish-orange leaves dance in a unique ballet number past the window you were currently staring out of. You can't keep your fingers from picking at the sleeves of your wool sweater as you wait for your speech therapist to come and get you from the semi-quiet lobby. The only noises you hear comes from the reception desk and the TV mounted opposite of the couch you were waiting on. The weather channel calls for a beautiful weekend with warmer than usual temperatures – which is good considering Halloween is tomorrow.
A side door leading to the back offices opens up, and your name is called from a stout brunette woman with large rimmed glasses and a kind smile. She holds it open as she beckons you forward, and you don't hesitate to smile back as you pick up your bag and make your way through the door and down the familiar hall on her heels.
You’ve been seeing Dr. Boreal for about almost two years now. You started speech therapy shortly after starting trauma therapy – something they had recommended. You weren't quick to decline the suggestion, but you'd be lying if you said you had ever thought about taking back your speech. Some time in your youth, you just assumed it was gone forever. That it was something that couldn't be fixed.
According to Dr. Foust, your trauma therapist, the speech block was mental. Therefore, it was something that could be explored and possibly broken through.
When he had said that, you had newfound hope and suddenly a silent goal to work towards.
It's like clockwork the way you stepped into Dr. Boreal's navy blue office, stepping over to the right and onto the plush cream colored couch meant just for patients. On the walls of her office sits multiple picture frames and motivational posters, all with smiles and bright colors. Her dark curtains sit parted, letting in the afternoon autumn sun that hits the wall next to you. You watch as she grabs the folder with your name on it before sitting in her large red chair and smiling over to you.
“So, how have you been? How was your trip with Levi?”
‘I’m doing well. And It was lovely! You were right, too. The road to Trost is gorgeous this time of year and the trees! So pretty.’ You think back at the little vacation Levi took you on just a week ago. He had taken the scenic route to the little town that you and he had rented a cabin in.
The leaves were at the end of their life and littered the ground wherever you went, crunching underneath your boots. Between the intimate moments and crisp atmosphere, it really was a magical time. Levi practically had to drag you back home.
On the way out, Levi found this adorable tea shop. It's not easy finding a place that made tea as well as he did, and of course he didn't say anything, but you could tell how much he enjoyed it. You won't soon forget the content on his normally stoic face. That reminds you of the little package snuggled in your purse so you reach down into it to pull out a small, rectangular tin.
‘I got this for you.’ You beam at her as you hand it over gently.
“Cranberry autumn tea?” She inspects the wording on the metal, hazel eyes glittering gold in the sunlight that reflects off the container. Her eyes shift to you as a grateful smile lights up her weathered face. “Oh you sweet thing, thank you so much. But you shouldn't have.”
‘As thanks for dealing with me.’ You laugh softly, leaning back into the plush couch.
“You know it's no problem. Even if I wasn't paid, I'd still enjoy your company.” She waves dismissively after setting her gift down on the table in front of her. “So, let's see where we left off last time.”
You pick at the edges of your sleeves once again as you watch her find the right place in her notes. Dr. Boreal is one of the kindest people you've had the pleasure of being around. Though she was being paid to help you, she always did so much more. She was patient with you when you struggled to get past certain goals, and when your voice hurt after a grueling session she would bring you herbal tea with honey to smooth the pain. Levi joked that you liked her tea more than his to which you always rolled your eyes at.
“Well you have made outstanding progress. Of course, there is still plenty we still need to work on. But you're doing well.” She looks down at her papers as she talks, the scratch of her pen fills the silence after she finishes. She looks back up to you. “Have you shown anyone your progress yet?”
Those around you are aware of your long journey through therapy. They even celebrated with you after one year - Hange's idea of course. Your sister couldn't hold it in when you had told them of the progress you've made and the goals you were looking forward to completing in the oncoming sessions.  
What they didn't know was that you were even in speech therapy, and how far in your speech recovery you were. Keeping it secret from Levi was getting harder with every passing week.
‘No, but I plan to soon, I promise.’ You pinch your lips together in a grimace. This has been a threat for the last 6 months but truthfully, you've been too scared to tell anyone. No, not scared. Nervous.
“Well, you know my stance on that. I’m sure they're going to be ecstatic, when you're ready to do so.” Dr. Boreal sets out a recorder to let you hear your voice the way she does, a tool you both found the most helpful when it came to fixing the areas that needed the most work. “Enough of that though, are you ready to start?”
With a confident smile, you open your mouth to speak.
.
A few hours later, you find yourself home and in the kitchen with your mind in another dimension. You’re currently plating up a vegetable tray on a tupperware platter as autumnal lofi weaves through the room from the speakers behind you. You’re so focused on arranging your sliced up miscellaneous veggies that you don't hear the metal key in the front door and the light footsteps of your boyfriend coming home for the evening.
“Hey.” Levi mutters from behind you, snaking his arms around your waist and resting his head on your shoulder to look at what you're doing – not without difficulty, of course. You jump at his sudden proximity causing you to drop the chosen dipping sauces in the middle of the platter, disturbing the once perfect arrangement.
There's a soft sigh from you, but you feel the giddiness at the expected company fluttering in your stomach. Even after a few years, he still gives you that effect. You twist in his arms to face him, and his gray eyes are downturned in concern.  
“Are you okay? Was therapy too much today?” He lessens his grip on you so you can pull your hands up to sign.
Levi Ackerman’s raven hair is slicked back from him running his fingers through it, and the way that it stayed put and the sheen on the strands, you can tell it must be raining. You've been so fixated on making sure it looked good that you hadn't even noticed. His gaze stares into yours as he searches for what might be bothering you, so you give him a reassuring smile.
‘No, it was actually really good. She said I've made a lot of progress.’
“That's good. Did you come home late, or have you been working on this tray the whole time?” He glances over your shoulder at the vegetables now thrown about on the counter.
‘Yes and no. I decided to run by the farmers market for more options. But they didn't have anything we didn't already have.’ You explain, shrugging your shoulders.
The afternoon sun was so nice on your face that you would have been a fool to not take advantage of it - and it's a good thing you did. Your eyes slide to the water droplets that drip down on the outside of the living room windows.
“Hm. Well we need to leave for Hange's party soon and you're not dressed. Let me finish this for you and you go get ready.” He leans in to kiss your forehead before unraveling his arms and pushing you in the direction of the bedroom. You only roll your eyes but make your way to the back as he asked.
Hange's Halloween Bash is something they have been planning for about a year. The moment the decorations went on sale last winter, she snatched up what she could. She said something about starting a new tradition for her friends turned family. Levi wasn't as excited about the prospect of such a social gathering but you were, and that was enough to get him to go.
Not only were you able to get him to go, you were also able to talk him into dressing up with you.  
In front of the mirror, you finish tying up a black corset that wraps around your waist. It helps form-fit the blue long sleeve dress that drops down to your bare ankles with your pair of flats completing the look. You were almost ready – all that was left was the big blue bow that you pinned to the back of your head as best you could. You suppose for a makeshift Ariel, this would do just fine. You almost chuckle at the irony of the characters you suggested to Levi a month ago.
A girl who can't talk and a prince that loved her despite it.
You do a small twirl in the mirror to make sure everything looks right. You almost jump out of your skin at the sudden sight of the person standing in the doorway. Levi leans against the door frame, the corner of his mouth twitching into a small smirk. His hands are in the pockets of his work clothes as he watches you intently, taking in the sight of you. With a hand over your heart, you give him a small frown.
“Sorry, I didn't mean to startle you.” He doesn't sound sorry at all.
‘You are too quiet for your own good. One day you're going to scare me so bad that I'm going to punch you.’ You shake your head but smile anyways. You make your way to the closet to pull out Levi's costume for the night, making sure to grab the red waist sash that threatens to fall to the floor.
“You keep saying that.” He takes the hanger from you but not before leaning in to give you a chaste kiss. With a small laugh, you head out of the bedroom and down the hall back to the kitchen.
On your way there, you take a moment to glance at the framed photographs on the walls. Levi made sure to hang up the pictures he took from his apartment that he shared with Erwin as soon as you both moved in.
There was the one of him, Furlan, and Isabel as well as the one of him and Erwin on graduation day though Levi had persisted with Erwin to keep the latter. His blonde and blue eyed friend told him to take it as he had plenty more photos of the two he could hang up. That didn’t make Levi feel any better and it makes you wonder what photos Levi might be hiding from you.
Dispersed in between those are ones of you and Hange, and some with your shared circle of friends. The last one frames three photo strips next to each other. The first one is from your first Sakura Festival a few years ago where you sat on Levi's lap – both red faced and unaware of the extent of your affections for each other.
The other two are from the same photo booth, taken from the previous and current year. With each year, the smiles and looks of adoration grew. Both, luckily, were without the presence of your sister and Erwin. Surprisingly, it wasn't your idea to go back. As much as Levi did his best to hide his sentimental side, it was always present.  
When you get to the kitchen counter, you see the platter rearranged and closed up with the matching plastic lid. It looks perfect, even better than when you took a crack at it. You also see two cups of tea on the counter, both with steam rising up and dancing in the kitchen lights before dissipating into the air.
With a grin, you reach over to grab what you can only assume is yours based on the light color of your tea then walk around the island to sit on the bar stool, leaning on the counter with the mug in both hands. After your first sip, you sigh happily. It was one of the new teas Levi had brought back from the trip because he couldn't get enough of it. Earthy with hints of floral notes, topped with a citrusy zing.
When you start to wonder if Levi was okay, your eyes catch movement in the hallway. You watch Levi struggle with his sash, the soft grumbling of his irritation coming from under his breath as he tugs on it. Sometimes you never realize how hard it is to do something with less than the normal amount of fingers until it's forced upon you. Of course, Levi was never one to ask for help even after all these years.
Without a second thought, you stand up and make your way over to him. He doesn't fight as you take the fabric from his fingers and tighten it from the back. Tucked into the sash is a white blouse, loose enough to billow in the evening breeze. Black pants and matching boots fit snug against his lower half. When you're done, you turn him to face you to inspect the whole ensemble. With his hair properly slicked back, he was the perfect Prince Eric.
‘You look rather dashing, you know that?’
“Tch.” He rolls his eyes at you, but there's not a trace of annoyance radiating off of him. As much as he hates it, he loves you and would do anything you asked – within reason.
‘Are you almost ready to go?’
“In a few, I didn't just brew this for nothing.” He makes his way to the counter to grab his mug and instead of sitting, he stands propped up against the counter like you were but with his phone in hand.
“Your sister wants to know if you want apple juice or apple cider.” He mutters, his gray eyes flicking up over to you as you make your way over to the seat you were just at to finish your own cup. “Both, right?”
‘How did you know?’ You laugh, but nod in agreement. You watch as his fingers type away, the clicking of the keys filling back empty space. There's barely any sunlight coming through the closed blinds signifying that nightfall was almost here. You just now noticed Levi had gone ahead and turned off everything for you while you were getting ready.
The gut feeling you felt last week is back. There was a moment when Levi drove through the rolling hills, the golden rays of sunset lighting up his face. A moment of peace that washed over you as his soft gaze flitted over to you in the passenger seat for only a second, one hand on the wheel and the other on your thigh.
With a nervous sigh, you reach over and pull down his phone with one finger to get his attention. Instantly he looks at you with worry, his mouth downturned.
“Are you okay?”
‘I bet you love me.’
His eyebrows raise, a little surprised at your random question – at something so obvious that he worries even more that something is wrong.
“What’s this about?”
‘Humor me. I bet you love me.’
“You bet right.” He draws out, confusion lacing his tone. 
‘You have to answer a question now. Since I was right.’
“What do you want to know that you don’t already?” His eyes roll at you again, but he sets his phone and mug down and leans over on his elbows to watch you intently.
‘It’s a simple but very important question, I promise.’
“Tch, okay. Hit me.”
Your eyes are suddenly fixated on the fridge to the right of you, the heat of his stare making you shy. For a split second, you almost chicken out. With your heart in your throat, you feel as if you're going to choke as your pulse quickens. Can you do this? Were you ready for this? You were quite tired after today, maybe it's best saved for another day. These thoughts race loudly in your head, but the moment you look back up to meet Levi's gaze, they cease to a quiet murmur.
No, you're ready. And you can do this.
With your fingers laced together, you rest your chin on them and continue to look up at Levi's perplexed expression. Your mouth opens and closes a few times before you're finally able to find your voice.
“Will… you marry… me, Levi?” Your voice is scratchy despite the honey tea you drank after your session. It's rough, and to you it's far from pretty. But the change in expression on Levi's face is almost worth it as he stares at you dazed. It's almost funny to see the physical reaction of his brain comprehending what just happened, like a computer crashing and rebooting.
He's reaching over the counter suddenly and cupping your face in his calloused hands. He holds you there as his wide eyes bounce back and forth between yours. You fight back a laugh, your lips pinched together and quivering.
“Do that again. Say my name again.” The urgency in his voice is palpable.
“L…” You take a deep breath and close your eyes, trying to find your voice yet again. It's hard, but you try again anyway. “Levi.” It comes out brittle this time, leaving an uncomfortable pain in its wake.
“How did this happen?” His own voice sounds a little higher than before, and you have to bite back another laugh.
‘I've been working on it alongside my sessions with Foust.’ You've met your vocal quota for the day. Levi's hands stay cupped around your cheeks and he pulls you in until his soft lips touch yours again. Your eyes flutter closed as you kiss him back, feeling the weight of your anxiety lift off your shoulders in an instant.
When he pulls away, his stare is conflicted and before you know it, he's released you and whips around the corner down the hallway. Dread inches its way into your chest where the anxiety was before as you realize he never answered your question. Did he need a moment? Did he even hear what you asked? The shock may have been too much. Your teeth bite into the inside of your cheek as you watch the dark hallway nervously.
A few seconds later, he emerges from the shadows with red creeping from his neck up into his face. He's flustered and holding something small in his hand. It takes you a moment to register what it was, and when you do, you jump to your feet to meet him halfway.
He doesn’t hesitate to open it to you though his fingers tremble ever so slightly. Inside are two golden rings, interlocked together. A small oval ruby sits surrounded by metal vines beset by smaller white diamonds in the shape of leaves. It's simple yet elegant. Your eyes snap up to his, no doubt as big as saucers.
Not only is this ring breathtaking, it's also groundbreaking to you. You've seen this ring box around since before you both had moved in together. It's been in the closet collecting dust, so of course you didn't think anything of it. He's had this ring for a long time, sitting right under your nose.
‘How long were you planning to propose?’
“For a while now. I just didn't know when would be a good time.” He carefully takes out the one with the red ruby and holds it up to you. The kitchen lights glimmer off the smooth surface reflecting red against his fingers. “I can't believe you beat me to it, though.” So he did hear you.
‘I wasn't planning to do it tonight, but I just had a feeling.’
“You never cease to amaze me, you know that?” He leans over to place the ring box onto the side table behind him, then turns to you. Then he does something you've only ever seen in movies – Levi gets down on one knee and the ring out to you.
“Um. I'm not good with things like this. But I just want you to know that I love you. And I've never been more prepared to spend my life with someone, if you'll have me. Will you marry me?” His eyes look away for a second before focusing back on you. Even though you had pretty much said yes when you asked first, he still seemed so nervous.  
To see Levi in such a mess like this in front of you makes that laugh you held back burst forth, tears pricking at the corners of your eyes. Speechless again, you reach your hand out to him and just like that, he slides the ring on your finger with ease.
“I- uh, borrowed one of your rings to get it resized.” He mutters as you stare at it curiously. “So, that's a yes right?” Even though you took the ring, you can still hear the anxiety in his voice.
‘Of course, dummy.’ You laugh again before pulling him up on his feet by his collar and into you for another kiss, this time deeper and full of the love that you have for this man. When you pull away, you can't help but stare at the metal hugging your ring finger.
“It was my mom’s, she insisted on me having it. I think she knew.” He grabs your hand and pulls you into him, one hand on your waist and the other cupping your face. “I suppose we should call her tomorrow, yeah?”
You nod sharply, your smile hurting your cheeks, but you don't care. All you feel right now is the same peace you felt last week and excitement for the future ahead. You didn't want anyone else. 
“Say it again?”
“Levi.” He leans in again, hand still on your face as he presses his lips against your once more. There have been many shared kisses since you both became official but this one felt different. You didn't have the words for it, but it was miles away from being bad.
Levi's phone vibrating loudly on the counter disturbs the comfortable silence and you can only sigh. You almost forgot that you had somewhere to be and are reminded by the caller ID flashing your sister's name. In Levi fashion, he ignores it but he does pull away to look at you with a grimace.
“So who’s telling them?” 
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☾ Previous Chapter: June - Part 5
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spicerackofblorbos · 3 months
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Epilogue
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☾ Pairings ➼ Levi Ackerman x fem!mute!Reader (she/her pronouns), set in a modern semi-fictional world
☾ Summary ➼ Due to childhood trauma, you find yourself an adult without the ability to speak. After years of working on it, you have found ways to live without a voice. Now here in your late 20s, you are 5 months in getting used to a new town. On a fateful day in late November, you and your adopted sister visit a local bookstore-café, unaware of the friendships about to blossom. Throughout the months, one friendship in particular develops into something more.
☾ Content/Warnings ➼ fluff, slowburn, oblivious feelings, romance, angst, mention of minor character deaths, trauma, illness, adoption, mentions of fire, disabilities, alcohol use, very light nsfw mentions, references to child abuse, smoking and alcohol abuse mentions, domestic violence, light assault, eventual smut
☾ Author's note ➼ Heeeeyy I'm back. If you haven't had an eye on my masterlist for Unspoken Words, you might have missed that I've been working on an epilogue. SURPRISE. If you have, then here it is lol. I am OFFICIALLY done with UW and I'm so sad about it. ALSO for some reason my tumblr app hates me and any time I italicize a line, it italicizes the entire paragraph and I have no idea why. As always, the sign language lines are marked with ' and speaking lines marked with ".
Thank you to anyone who has taken time out of their lives to read my "little" story. I enjoyed writing about this little world and I could not be happier to know that most of you liked reading it. I appreciate you more than you know. Can you believe this is around 100k words? Crazy. Anyways, I'm gonna go write some more, I'll see ya around! &lt;3
☾ Word Count ➼ ~4k
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Reddish-orange leaves dance in a unique ballet number past the window you were currently staring out of. You can't keep your fingers from picking at the sleeves of your wool sweater as you wait for your speech therapist to come and get you from the semi-quiet lobby. The only noises you hear comes from the reception desk and the TV mounted opposite of the couch you were waiting on. The weather channel calls for a beautiful weekend with warmer than usual temperatures – which is good considering Halloween is tomorrow.
A side door leading to the back offices opens up, and your name is called from a stout brunette woman with large rimmed glasses and a kind smile. She holds it open as she beckons you forward, and you don't hesitate to smile back as you pick up your bag and make your way through the door and down the familiar hall on her heels.
You’ve been seeing Dr. Boreal for about almost two years now. You started speech therapy shortly after starting trauma therapy – something they had recommended. You weren't quick to decline the suggestion, but you'd be lying if you said you had ever thought about taking back your speech. Some time in your youth, you just assumed it was gone forever. That it was something that couldn't be fixed.
According to Dr. Foust, your trauma therapist, the speech block was mental. Therefore, it was something that could be explored and possibly broken through.
When he had said that, you had newfound hope and suddenly a silent goal to work towards.
It's like clockwork the way you stepped into Dr. Boreal's navy blue office, stepping over to the right and onto the plush cream colored couch meant just for patients. On the walls of her office sits multiple picture frames and motivational posters, all with smiles and bright colors. Her dark curtains sit parted, letting in the afternoon autumn sun that hits the wall next to you. You watch as she grabs the folder with your name on it before sitting in her large red chair and smiling over to you.
“So, how have you been? How was your trip with Levi?”
‘I’m doing well. And It was lovely! You were right, too. The road to Trost is gorgeous this time of year and the trees! So pretty.’ You think back at the little vacation Levi took you on just a week ago. He had taken the scenic route to the little town that you and he had rented a cabin in.
The leaves were at the end of their life and littered the ground wherever you went, crunching underneath your boots. Between the intimate moments and crisp atmosphere, it really was a magical time. Levi practically had to drag you back home.
On the way out, Levi found this adorable tea shop. It's not easy finding a place that made tea as well as he did, and of course he didn't say anything, but you could tell how much he enjoyed it. You won't soon forget the content on his normally stoic face. That reminds you of the little package snuggled in your purse so you reach down into it to pull out a small, rectangular tin.
‘I got this for you.’ You beam at her as you hand it over gently.
“Cranberry autumn tea?” She inspects the wording on the metal, hazel eyes glittering gold in the sunlight that reflects off the container. Her eyes shift to you as a grateful smile lights up her weathered face. “Oh you sweet thing, thank you so much. But you shouldn't have.”
‘As thanks for dealing with me.’ You laugh softly, leaning back into the plush couch.
“You know it's no problem. Even if I wasn't paid, I'd still enjoy your company.” She waves dismissively after setting her gift down on the table in front of her. “So, let's see where we left off last time.”
You pick at the edges of your sleeves once again as you watch her find the right place in her notes. Dr. Boreal is one of the kindest people you've had the pleasure of being around. Though she was being paid to help you, she always did so much more. She was patient with you when you struggled to get past certain goals, and when your voice hurt after a grueling session she would bring you herbal tea with honey to smooth the pain. Levi joked that you liked her tea more than his to which you always rolled your eyes at.
“Well you have made outstanding progress. Of course, there is still plenty we still need to work on. But you're doing well.” She looks down at her papers as she talks, the scratch of her pen fills the silence after she finishes. She looks back up to you. “Have you shown anyone your progress yet?”
Those around you are aware of your long journey through therapy. They even celebrated with you after one year - Hange's idea of course. Your sister couldn't hold it in when you had told them of the progress you've made and the goals you were looking forward to completing in the oncoming sessions.  
What they didn't know was that you were even in speech therapy, and how far in your speech recovery you were. Keeping it secret from Levi was getting harder with every passing week.
‘No, but I plan to soon, I promise.’ You pinch your lips together in a grimace. This has been a threat for the last 6 months but truthfully, you've been too scared to tell anyone. No, not scared. Nervous.
“Well, you know my stance on that. I’m sure they're going to be ecstatic, when you're ready to do so.” Dr. Boreal sets out a recorder to let you hear your voice the way she does, a tool you both found the most helpful when it came to fixing the areas that needed the most work. “Enough of that though, are you ready to start?”
With a confident smile, you open your mouth to speak.
.
A few hours later, you find yourself home and in the kitchen with your mind in another dimension. You’re currently plating up a vegetable tray on a tupperware platter as autumnal lofi weaves through the room from the speakers behind you. You’re so focused on arranging your sliced up miscellaneous veggies that you don't hear the metal key in the front door and the light footsteps of your boyfriend coming home for the evening.
“Hey.” Levi mutters from behind you, snaking his arms around your waist and resting his head on your shoulder to look at what you're doing – not without difficulty, of course. You jump at his sudden proximity causing you to drop the chosen dipping sauces in the middle of the platter, disturbing the once perfect arrangement.
There's a soft sigh from you, but you feel the giddiness at the expected company fluttering in your stomach. Even after a few years, he still gives you that effect. You twist in his arms to face him, and his gray eyes are downturned in concern.  
“Are you okay? Was therapy too much today?” He lessens his grip on you so you can pull your hands up to sign.
Levi Ackerman’s raven hair is slicked back from him running his fingers through it, and the way that it stayed put and the sheen on the strands, you can tell it must be raining. You've been so fixated on making sure it looked good that you hadn't even noticed. His gaze stares into yours as he searches for what might be bothering you, so you give him a reassuring smile.
‘No, it was actually really good. She said I've made a lot of progress.’
“That's good. Did you come home late, or have you been working on this tray the whole time?” He glances over your shoulder at the vegetables now thrown about on the counter.
‘Yes and no. I decided to run by the farmers market for more options. But they didn't have anything we didn't already have.’ You explain, shrugging your shoulders.
The afternoon sun was so nice on your face that you would have been a fool to not take advantage of it - and it's a good thing you did. Your eyes slide to the water droplets that drip down on the outside of the living room windows.
“Hm. Well we need to leave for Hange's party soon and you're not dressed. Let me finish this for you and you go get ready.” He leans in to kiss your forehead before unraveling his arms and pushing you in the direction of the bedroom. You only roll your eyes but make your way to the back as he asked.
Hange's Halloween Bash is something they have been planning for about a year. The moment the decorations went on sale last winter, she snatched up what she could. She said something about starting a new tradition for her friends turned family. Levi wasn't as excited about the prospect of such a social gathering but you were, and that was enough to get him to go.
Not only were you able to get him to go, you were also able to talk him into dressing up with you.  
In front of the mirror, you finish tying up a black corset that wraps around your waist. It helps form-fit the blue long sleeve dress that drops down to your bare ankles with your pair of flats completing the look. You were almost ready – all that was left was the big blue bow that you pinned to the back of your head as best you could. You suppose for a makeshift Ariel, this would do just fine. You almost chuckle at the irony of the characters you suggested to Levi a month ago.
A girl who can't talk and a prince that loved her despite it.
You do a small twirl in the mirror to make sure everything looks right. You almost jump out of your skin at the sudden sight of the person standing in the doorway. Levi leans against the door frame, the corner of his mouth twitching into a small smirk. His hands are in the pockets of his work clothes as he watches you intently, taking in the sight of you. With a hand over your heart, you give him a small frown.
“Sorry, I didn't mean to startle you.” He doesn't sound sorry at all.
‘You are too quiet for your own good. One day you're going to scare me so bad that I'm going to punch you.’ You shake your head but smile anyways. You make your way to the closet to pull out Levi's costume for the night, making sure to grab the red waist sash that threatens to fall to the floor.
“You keep saying that.” He takes the hanger from you but not before leaning in to give you a chaste kiss. With a small laugh, you head out of the bedroom and down the hall back to the kitchen.
On your way there, you take a moment to glance at the framed photographs on the walls. Levi made sure to hang up the pictures he took from his apartment that he shared with Erwin as soon as you both moved in.
There was the one of him, Furlan, and Isabel as well as the one of him and Erwin on graduation day though Levi had persisted with Erwin to keep the latter. His blonde and blue eyed friend told him to take it as he had plenty more photos of the two he could hang up. That didn’t make Levi feel any better and it makes you wonder what photos Levi might be hiding from you.
Dispersed in between those are ones of you and Hange, and some with your shared circle of friends. The last one frames three photo strips next to each other. The first one is from your first Sakura Festival a few years ago where you sat on Levi's lap – both red faced and unaware of the extent of your affections for each other.
The other two are from the same photo booth, taken from the previous and current year. With each year, the smiles and looks of adoration grew. Both, luckily, were without the presence of your sister and Erwin. Surprisingly, it wasn't your idea to go back. As much as Levi did his best to hide his sentimental side, it was always present.  
When you get to the kitchen counter, you see the platter rearranged and closed up with the matching plastic lid. It looks perfect, even better than when you took a crack at it. You also see two cups of tea on the counter, both with steam rising up and dancing in the kitchen lights before dissipating into the air.
With a grin, you reach over to grab what you can only assume is yours based on the light color of your tea then walk around the island to sit on the bar stool, leaning on the counter with the mug in both hands. After your first sip, you sigh happily. It was one of the new teas Levi had brought back from the trip because he couldn't get enough of it. Earthy with hints of floral notes, topped with a citrusy zing.
When you start to wonder if Levi was okay, your eyes catch movement in the hallway. You watch Levi struggle with his sash, the soft grumbling of his irritation coming from under his breath as he tugs on it. Sometimes you never realize how hard it is to do something with less than the normal amount of fingers until it's forced upon you. Of course, Levi was never one to ask for help even after all these years.
Without a second thought, you stand up and make your way over to him. He doesn't fight as you take the fabric from his fingers and tighten it from the back. Tucked into the sash is a white blouse, loose enough to billow in the evening breeze. Black pants and matching boots fit snug against his lower half. When you're done, you turn him to face you to inspect the whole ensemble. With his hair properly slicked back, he was the perfect Prince Eric.
‘You look rather dashing, you know that?’
“Tch.” He rolls his eyes at you, but there's not a trace of annoyance radiating off of him. As much as he hates it, he loves you and would do anything you asked – within reason.
‘Are you almost ready to go?’
“In a few, I didn't just brew this for nothing.” He makes his way to the counter to grab his mug and instead of sitting, he stands propped up against the counter like you were but with his phone in hand.
“Your sister wants to know if you want apple juice or apple cider.” He mutters, his gray eyes flicking up over to you as you make your way over to the seat you were just at to finish your own cup. “Both, right?”
‘How did you know?’ You laugh, but nod in agreement. You watch as his fingers type away, the clicking of the keys filling back empty space. There's barely any sunlight coming through the closed blinds signifying that nightfall was almost here. You just now noticed Levi had gone ahead and turned off everything for you while you were getting ready.
The gut feeling you felt last week is back. There was a moment when Levi drove through the rolling hills, the golden rays of sunset lighting up his face. A moment of peace that washed over you as his soft gaze flitted over to you in the passenger seat for only a second, one hand on the wheel and the other on your thigh.
With a nervous sigh, you reach over and pull down his phone with one finger to get his attention. Instantly he looks at you with worry, his mouth downturned.
“Are you okay?”
‘I bet you love me.’
His eyebrows raise, a little surprised at your random question – at something so obvious that he worries even more that something is wrong.
“What’s this about?”
‘Humor me. I bet you love me.’
“You bet right.” He draws out, confusion lacing his tone. 
‘You have to answer a question now. Since I was right.’
“What do you want to know that you don’t already?” His eyes roll at you again, but he sets his phone and mug down and leans over on his elbows to watch you intently.
‘It’s a simple but very important question, I promise.’
“Tch, okay. Hit me.”
Your eyes are suddenly fixated on the fridge to the right of you, the heat of his stare making you shy. For a split second, you almost chicken out. With your heart in your throat, you feel as if you're going to choke as your pulse quickens. Can you do this? Were you ready for this? You were quite tired after today, maybe it's best saved for another day. These thoughts race loudly in your head, but the moment you look back up to meet Levi's gaze, they cease to a quiet murmur.
No, you're ready. And you can do this.
With your fingers laced together, you rest your chin on them and continue to look up at Levi's perplexed expression. Your mouth opens and closes a few times before you're finally able to find your voice.
“Will… you marry… me, Levi?” Your voice is scratchy despite the honey tea you drank after your session. It's rough, and to you it's far from pretty. But the change in expression on Levi's face is almost worth it as he stares at you dazed. It's almost funny to see the physical reaction of his brain comprehending what just happened, like a computer crashing and rebooting.
He's reaching over the counter suddenly and cupping your face in his calloused hands. He holds you there as his wide eyes bounce back and forth between yours. You fight back a laugh, your lips pinched together and quivering.
“Do that again. Say my name again.” The urgency in his voice is palpable.
“L…” You take a deep breath and close your eyes, trying to find your voice yet again. It's hard, but you try again anyway. “Levi.” It comes out brittle this time, leaving an uncomfortable pain in its wake.
“How did this happen?” His own voice sounds a little higher than before, and you have to bite back another laugh.
‘I've been working on it alongside my sessions with Foust.’ You've met your vocal quota for the day. Levi's hands stay cupped around your cheeks and he pulls you in until his soft lips touch yours again. Your eyes flutter closed as you kiss him back, feeling the weight of your anxiety lift off your shoulders in an instant.
When he pulls away, his stare is conflicted and before you know it, he's released you and whips around the corner down the hallway. Dread inches its way into your chest where the anxiety was before as you realize he never answered your question. Did he need a moment? Did he even hear what you asked? The shock may have been too much. Your teeth bite into the inside of your cheek as you watch the dark hallway nervously.
A few seconds later, he emerges from the shadows with red creeping from his neck up into his face. He's flustered and holding something small in his hand. It takes you a moment to register what it was, and when you do, you jump to your feet to meet him halfway.
He doesn’t hesitate to open it to you though his fingers tremble ever so slightly. Inside are two golden rings, interlocked together. A small oval ruby sits surrounded by metal vines beset by smaller white diamonds in the shape of leaves. It's simple yet elegant. Your eyes snap up to his, no doubt as big as saucers.
Not only is this ring breathtaking, it's also groundbreaking to you. You've seen this ring box around since before you both had moved in together. It's been in the closet collecting dust, so of course you didn't think anything of it. He's had this ring for a long time, sitting right under your nose.
‘How long were you planning to propose?’
“For a while now. I just didn't know when would be a good time.” He carefully takes out the one with the red ruby and holds it up to you. The kitchen lights glimmer off the smooth surface reflecting red against his fingers. “I can't believe you beat me to it, though.” So he did hear you.
‘I wasn't planning to do it tonight, but I just had a feeling.’
“You never cease to amaze me, you know that?” He leans over to place the ring box onto the side table behind him, then turns to you. Then he does something you've only ever seen in movies – Levi gets down on one knee and the ring out to you.
“Um. I'm not good with things like this. But I just want you to know that I love you. And I've never been more prepared to spend my life with someone, if you'll have me. Will you marry me?” His eyes look away for a second before focusing back on you. Even though you had pretty much said yes when you asked first, he still seemed so nervous.  
To see Levi in such a mess like this in front of you makes that laugh you held back burst forth, tears pricking at the corners of your eyes. Speechless again, you reach your hand out to him and just like that, he slides the ring on your finger with ease.
“I- uh, borrowed one of your rings to get it resized.” He mutters as you stare at it curiously. “So, that's a yes right?” Even though you took the ring, you can still hear the anxiety in his voice.
‘Of course, dummy.’ You laugh again before pulling him up on his feet by his collar and into you for another kiss, this time deeper and full of the love that you have for this man. When you pull away, you can't help but stare at the metal hugging your ring finger.
“It was my mom’s, she insisted on me having it. I think she knew.” He grabs your hand and pulls you into him, one hand on your waist and the other cupping your face. “I suppose we should call her tomorrow, yeah?”
You nod sharply, your smile hurting your cheeks, but you don't care. All you feel right now is the same peace you felt last week and excitement for the future ahead. You didn't want anyone else. 
“Say it again?”
“Levi.” He leans in again, hand still on your face as he presses his lips against your once more. There have been many shared kisses since you both became official but this one felt different. You didn't have the words for it, but it was miles away from being bad.
Levi's phone vibrating loudly on the counter disturbs the comfortable silence and you can only sigh. You almost forgot that you had somewhere to be and are reminded by the caller ID flashing your sister's name. In Levi fashion, he ignores it but he does pull away to look at you with a grimace.
“So who’s telling them?” 
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☾ Previous Chapter: June - Part 5
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buggyandthebartoclub · 6 months
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Vent post sorry I have no where to scream into the void but here and I am having an anxiety attack lolll
Screaming and trying not to throw up!!!! Lol!!!!
Shoutout to texas medicaid for telling me we were covered till the end of November then suddenly revoking our coverage and sending us the $400+ bill for our sons bloodwork!!! So cool thanks!!!!
Somehow our coverage is denied and our renewal app from JANUARY (which is somehow??? Not the one we most recently had coverage on???) is in review??? And they are ONCE AGAIN
Trying to say my husband is somehow the household provider an adult, but also a child who needs child support, while also being the absent father of said child so he needs to pay child support to… idk himself????
I swear to god I am this 🤏🏼 fucking close to absolutely losing it!!!
I can’t get a fucking appointment in person and ofc you can’t get anyone on the fucking phone !!!!
Not supposed to talk about it online but no one irl knows me here besides like 1 of you so fuck it. My husband was out of work almost a whole!!! Month!!!
Bc he got sideswiped on the highway and now we’re in the middle of a fuckign personal injury lawsuit and thank GOD for the law firm we’re using who works on contingency bc they’re footing the dr bills rn bc he has to go to the chiropractor 3x a fucking week rn (and which is well over $200 a visit bc of shockwave treatment therapy whatever it’s fucking called)
And we have fallen so behind on bills etc, fuck paying for meds who can afford that??
I am literally spiraling into the biggest anxiety attack of my life I have a fucking child to take care of I never cared about being dirt poor when it was just us I’ll live off nothing if I have to but we have a 3yo!!!
I fucking hate texas I can’t wait till we can fucking leave when this court case is over if we have anything left we are moving to North Carolina to be with our chosen family/our sons god parents where at least we’ll have some emotional and moral support nearby we’re just down here by ourselves 8hr one way to anyone (and those anyones are transphobic homophobic racist pieces of shit !!! Shocker!!!! So how much support/help are they really??)
ANYWAY I’m fucking fine we prepaid for a few visits of therapy w extra money I made doing pieces for people on fb so I will be able to work out some of this next visit I just really needed to lose mt shit somewhere thanks
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queerdesire · 2 years
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September 30, 2022
It's been a minute since my last update.
What have I accomplished this week? Well I drove for the first time in the dark last night and honestly I think I smiled all the way home. I'm getting so much more comfortable driving and it's starting to feel so fucking good. I'm hoping to have my license by the end of the year. Driving is not as scary and anxious as I always imagined. I'm proud of myself for this.
Let's see what else am I proud of? Oh! I have paid all my bills but two, both are due on the 6th so not late but I'll probably do it right now as all the other payments should of went through. I'ma be a broke ass bitch but it feels so fucking good to be able to pay everyone time.
I also deleted some girls number! She's been semi dicking me around for a month, and I let her >.< She was the one who hit me up and was interested and wanted to go on a date. I was going with the flow of it. Started out texting strong and things like that but then it became 8 separate times of excuses. Like we were not anything where a conversation of her no longer interested would of been perfectly okay. I even said as much during excuse number 6 lmao. But deleting her phone number and not replying back to her bs felt good. And then my toxic side may have left her on Snapchat 🙈🤡, I don't look at her snaps but she has replied to three of my hot story ones since I've deleted her number and ignore last excuse text and it feels kinda good to be like yeah I'm hot and you missed out. Even if it's in my head and even if that may be a bit toxic lol regardless I'm glad I was able to be like I'm done, and it was okay that it took me a month 😭 because I still was able to stop the pattern instead of continue the pattern of letting ppl use me like that.
I've had two therapy sessions now, the first session I felt hella guilty leaving and the second one I felt like I was on a good high. I was given therapy homework though and I haven't accomplished it :( and I don't think I will before Tuesday. I'm supposed to go out with someone and do something out of my comfort zone. The issue with this assignment is I'm scared to ask ppl to hang out that I wouldn't normally cuz that fear of the rejection and I guess that's the whole point. I did ask a girl one hinge if she wanted to hangout in person and I didn't get a reply so I'ma go with that as my assignment completed lmfao. Oooh and in therapy my therapist at one point said "I'm seeing a pattern here do you?" And I didn't so hopefully I will see the pattern she spoke of with the more sessions I have as she didn't tell me lmao.
Hmm what else? Oh completely over my ex! Well for the most part. Obviously I'll always wish it would be different but I've come with terms that she will never want to be friends and I haven't looked at her socials so much so that I missed her bday lol so that felt like a win. Only looked at her socials the last few days. But to be honest I think I'm using Tumblr as a distraction 😅 I'm not sure if that is a good thing or a bad thing tho.
Let's see what else...oh the new job is going very well! Last night it felt so easy, I think I asked someone one question and I remembered to bring silly things like the pizza stand, app plates, pepper mill, instead of forgetting until last minute. Oh and a coworker has now started to play with my hair and honestly makes me feel a bit loved, as touch is my love language. She's super sweet. Also last night one of the "favorites" told me I was, "the better new servers" and that I am a "hard worker" my cocky ass knew this, my cocky ass knew i would be but I can't say that :P I'm playing a political game here. But I said thank you lol oh and I was sitting next to some girls and they included me in conversation and one was like yeah when deena first met me she told me she thought I was gonna be a bitch 😅😂. So then everyone wanted to know what I thought about them. One of the girls was like did you think I was gonna be mean? And I told her yes I said "we didn't speak until Sunday!! So yes I thought you were going to be mean but you're very nice." Turns out she told me she's shy and I 100% can see that. I did not tell any of them that I think all pretty girls are going to be mean because they are hot lmao
I don't think anything else happened this week that is note worthy. I havent cried or felt hopeless in awhile and that is a wonderful feeling. I honestly think that has to do with therapy tho.
My period is very late and I'm pregnant jk jk jk 😂 but it is late af. That bitch needs to get here.
OOOH I REMEMBERED SOMETHING. One of my best guy friends works at my new job, he is why I went there. And a different coworker came up to me and was like "do you know Sean talks about you alot?" "I think he likes you" etc etc. And I was dying absolutely trying not to laugh because Sean is such a homie, I would say brother but we playfully flirt sometimes to hype the other up so what ever that makes him. But I had to explain to the coworker that Sean is a close friend, my homie is how I think I worded it. The dude was so small minded though and wouldn't stop and I was like I'm extremely gay and Sean knows this so there isn't anything between us. (I think it's because Sean and I hug at work) because the kid still didn't let it go. I went over to Sean immediately after and him and I got a huge laugh. Sean also said he had never even spoke to the dude before lmfao so I'm real confused but find it amusing nonetheless.
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rustencohle · 3 months
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Last week i got a job offer that is actually properly good and that i actually feel excited for following two rounds of interviews and testing. I am starting at the end of the month and honestly I'm still amazed that among all the candidates they chose me lol. I quit my current job today and let them know about it too and their response felt way too dramatic for my liking but at least it's over. After the depressing months I've had at the end of last year looking for a job, genuinely thinking that I might never again find employment lol this offer feels absolutely exhilarating! I also got accepted into a semester long programme and a 3 day master class in a different city in a few days in the field i graduated and I will be listening to all these amazing professionals give lectures and so on and that's also exciting bc i want to return to education/learning but not really in an academic setting.
So I've been on a roll! I am happy about it all! I feel proud of myself! And yet my anxiety and OCD are worse than ever. My head is filled with the most insane fears and paralysing thoughts and i can't stop that same desire to just smash my ol' head like a watermelon because i just can't deal with my mind anymore. I live in silent agony from the outside. But on the inside I have this feeling of dread just coursing through my veins 24/7. Therapy on friday and if i can find the guts to book that psych app next week that would also be great. I think for way way way too long i have just been managing my mental issues and i imagine them simmering over all these years in a pot and now they are very much boiling and close to running over. And i'm scared about how that will look like so i must do something about it soon even if that in itself feels debilitating
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steamishot · 5 months
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funky
although there have been a lot of good moments this past month, i overall was in a funk. in hindsight, i was really disappointed with how the job search was going and a lot of my expectations going out the window. our plan of moving back in winter (aka now) looks more like summer of next year or later. i was in LA for three weeks and matt and i were semi-long distance. i felt really sad that after all these years of hard work, we were where we started: me in my parents house, him in a tiny apartment in NYC, and the future uncertain. i felt like we had nothing to show for all the years of sacrifice and it is embarrassing. also, being at home feels different recently. like there is some silent disappointment that we haven't moved back home yet and it keeps getting delayed (could be me projecting).
my ginger/headspace app from kaiser finally reactivated during a good time. i had a couple texting sessions with life coaches which were helpful. the main takeaway from this is that i became so tunnel-visioned on something that is essentially out of my control, and basically forgot to nurture all the things that are in my control. i felt like i had job search depression by extension. reading about how others were struggling to find a good job (and remembering that my own brother was unemployed for 8 months) helped me feel less alone. i am planning on doing therapy starting december since it is covered by kaiser when i'm in CA.
finally, i cried at least 6+ times in the last two weeks instead of holding it all in. i usually only cry a couple of times a year max. it felt very releasing, and i reminded myself it's okay to not be okay.
positive things
my cousin stephanie came to visit from TX and she slept over at my parent's house for 3 nights. it was so nice to get to know her a little bit more. i never felt close to her because she grew up a lot more americanized and i am naturally closed off, but there's also many commonalities by just being related. she and matt connected because they're both in healthcare. she joined us for hot yoga one day and was quite good
one of the days, my niece had a 102 fever. luckily, there were two healthcare professionals in the room. i went along with matt (MD) and stephanie (PA) to CVS to pick up an ear thermometer since we didn't have one at home
attended S&A's wedding. it was an intimate setting and the bride was gorgeous ;) got to finally meet the groom A and see J&O again after 3+ years. we really liked the succulents and food.
had a craft's day with G at her parent's house in east LA while watching twin flames and no hard feelings. we made felt ornaments that i later gave to my niece
went on a hike and ate dinner with matt's family at ho kee cafe.
got hai di lao and matcha with stephanie at westfiled santa anita. i gifted her my old coffee grinder, but my clumsy self broke the glass container at the last minute :/
had dinner at my aunt's house for veterans day. i got to see my baby cousin E who is taller now! i picked up cousin B from color guard practice. it was inspiring to see how hard these teenagers were working
as part of the long distance lifestyle, matt and i met up in norcal to celebrate his birthday. we stayed at alila ventana big sur and carmel valley ranch. alila, though beautiful, was TOO indulgent for me lol. due to it being all inclusive, we basically planned our days around eating at the same restaurant and i just felt meh and stuck. i much preferred our carmel valley ranch stay, where we were more active and got to explore the town
funny side note, we took a class called balance and fit at CVR and it turns out everyone in the class was at least 80 years old. the instructor was nice enough not to treat us differently haha
did a corepower sculpt class in redwood city before flying a red eye back to NYC
matt has an interview with USC next week. a few other places have responded: kaiser, UCLA, memorialcare and cedars. fingers crossed (but keeping expectations low)
i started watching abbott elementary and really enjoyed it. recently enjoyed the movie a million miles away. i also started playing chess on chess.com. this is me learning how to nurture other parts in my life i've been neglecting. i am literally learning resilience by playing chess. i have a tendency of not wanting to lose/fail, and rather give up than learning how to do better. but, here i am losing and continuing to try lol
thanksgiving: matt is on a hard rotation and it is his birthday on thanksgiving day. R&T mentioned hanging out but we haven't finalized plans yet. i have plans with T to watch marvels on friday.
black friday wishlist: manduka yoga mats, yogitoes yoga towels, breville bambino plus espresso machine to keep at my parent's house, fellow opus grinder (already purchased) and maybe a new kindle cover
note: life is much more enjoyable when i don't try and control everything. appreciate the here and now, because i might miss it once it's gone. having such rigid expectations will always leave me feeling disappointed. enjoy the journey as it is 70-80% of the process.
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guzsdaily · 5 months
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Good mood on a [somewhat] chaotic day
Day 12 - Nov 17, 12.023
This is the latest post yet, at the time of starting writing this is 11 p.m. and let's just say that it was a busy day, so why
not list the events in this day as today's post?
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Woke up at around 7 a.m., but just got up of bed around 8 a.m. After that, the normal start of the day when I have to go to my therapist in the morning: Shower, dress up, brush teeth, get my bicycle, keys, money, etc. And after drinking my coffee, I was ready to go off home around 9:30 a.m. Something which I started some weeks ago, was going to therapy by bicycle, even if my city is not really meant for it, doing this helps me feel more in the outside world and help my anxiety with the movement of city and real world in general. It is an exhausting ride, because of small hills, ups and downs, not so good pavement, but it is just at the most twice a month, and now I have an excuse to not go to gym the next day if I need to.
I arrive at the clinic half an hour later, put my bicycle in a street sign, and just wait in line to pay and confirm my arrival. At this point, after doing it a lot of times, it is already muscular memory, my anxiety doesn't attack anymore to me honest, which it would some years ago. While waiting to pay, I see my therapist going outside the clinic... "ok?" It sometimes happens, and there's around half another hour until my consultation. After paying, I go to the waiting room and the door to my therapist
room is closed, and I can see that the lights inside are turned off, "ok, there's still 30 minutes until, whatever", open my "read it later" app - which I never used and just opened to see how it actually works - and start reading some articles.
While reading, an old lady approaches me questioning if I was waiting to another professional, and after saying that I was waiting to my therapist, she tells me that they already left. "Thank you, I already knew, I am just waiting for they to return and my time to be called arrive". And I'm going to be honest, my lack of social interaction daily and just "residues" of my social anxiety left me just wandering: Why? Why me? I am just sitting here waiting, doing nothing? Just confused why this lady approached me in the first place, when are so many people around k'now?
Then my marked time arrives and nothing, my therapist is nowhere to be seen. Another employee arrives, with a cable in hand(?), and enters the room to place it somewhere, and when they left, they change the sign saying what professional was there, and now that's not where my therapist will attend, apparently. When after noticing I just rush to get help, and apparently they're in another room in another floor now, and ok, just some 5 minutes passed, I will just have a some minutes less in my consult. And being honest, I wasn't stressed or anything, actually I just was thinking it was funny, and I was in a good mood in general, even more after that interaction with the lady.
Going to the right room, I question another guy who was also waiting if they're attending, and kinda have a small talk because of that and because my therapist is late because of this room change. And with this small talk... apparently I discover another stranger who is learning web dev! And just this detail made me talk so much more and talk with him, another person who has the same interests! Yyyyeeeeee! (lol). However, right at the time of knowing it, my therapist calls me, but right before I can pass contact to talk later with him possibly - and I cannot explain the face of my therapist seeing this interaction lol.
In the therapy session, in summary: I'm doing fine, the experiment of being alone on my birthday was good, and these small interactions like the one that just happened are really doing good for me.
After the session, things go a little more of rail. When getting out my bicycle, I see my therapist going outside again... and you know that feeling of seeing your teacher outside of school? Kinda the same thing. And right when I get my bicycle off, I almost hit another old lady, without even riding the bicycle, because I turned the handlebar right in the second she was walking there and end up scaring her, "Sorry!". I have to admit that I should have seen both sides of the sidewalk before, my bad!
Going back home in the same route, let's just say that again, my city is not meant for bicycles like the ones you see in Europe, you will be riding alongside cars, and the only bicycle lane is right in the middle of the street. And I needed to cross the street, in an intersection, in traffic lights, which I have done many times, and many times you can cross riding it if you time with the lights enough... and let's just say that I speed up a little to be able to cross... and didn't see the curb of the street in front of me because I was looking behind to check any cars... and wasn't able to break or turn enough to go in the bicycle lane... and felt off... and now I just haven't a leg soaking blood because I was wearing pants... which saved me from scrapping my leg on the sidewalk tiles...
And to finish the trip home, somewhere near my house, I almost lost my water bottle because I dropped it in a steep road!
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But why talk ever detail and bad things that happened? Well, outside now knowing what to write here today, I'm really want to clarify and say that through this entire morning, I never felt actually stressed. This is something which I would like to talk more in the future, but there are a lot of things that can happen in a day, even more when you go outside to do something and are vulnerable to the randomness that a city can have. And a lot of things will be stressful, but why really be so angry over the little ones? I know that it can be something cliché, but for someone who doesn't go outside very often, I laughed my shit off with all these little things that happened, hurting or not, they made this day be different and somewhat special and a learning experience in a way. I didn't hurt myself bad, and no actual accident happened, so why bother?
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For the record: I wasn't able to post this on tumblr on time, literally a minute after midnight I posted, and I'm not sure yet if because of that I will reset the days counter. The start of writing this post was around 10 p.m., but then a friend of mine fucked up his computer and was having an anxiety attack because of it, so I was able to start just around 11 p.m. If I had written this in the morning right after coming home, none of this would have happened, but I'm also sure that this will not be the last day I end up posting late, emergencies can sometimes happen and things like that. I will try to make the writing of these more streamlined for me to see if it helps, I really don't want to fail with this compromise with myself anymore.
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Today's artists & creative things
Song: Honey I'm Home - by Ghost and Pals (feat. Black Gryph0n & Baasik) - The chaotic beat of this song is superb, and it was actually what I was listening to when left my house. This artist has such a unique style each song, and it is hard to say that one song has the same style as another, the only thing that I can pin post is most of them is "chaos".
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Copyright (c) 2023-present Gustavo "Guz" L. de Mello <[email protected]>
This work is licensed under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike 4.0 International (CC BY-SA 4.0) License
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nightmareofmenses · 2 years
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Idk how to make a read more or whatever sorry if this is annoying (I guess who am I even apologizing to) but I just have to uhhhh scream about how much I love my partner Daniel. We’ve been dating (still sounds SO weird to say) for 2 months. I don’t know who knows this but we’ve been friends for 5 years we met playing the last of us online lol and I was married but I had a crush on him and really started to fall for him 3 years ago so I eventually left my ex husband and fully committed to falling in love with Daniel in 2020. he’s 1 year younger than me (34/35) and has never been in a relationship or even kissed anyone I am his first everything and he only showed me his face AFTER we officially started dating (he’s maybe on the spectrum and has severe social anxiety and self esteem issues) and he’s so?? fucking adorable? I mean I love Him so of course I think he’s adorable. He’s Canadian and his first language is French so I have been learning for the last 2 years it’s been so much fun. Trying to go to see him asap.
The batshit craziness of how we got together… I had told him that I was in love with him and it scared the shit out of him so for like a year we battled and played games of the heart, we basically acted like a couple but with his luxury of claiming to be not ready for a relationship/adventure.. then this summer I randomly met this French guy on an app called Tandem (meet people to learn language with) and fell in weirdly with him (it was fine, I think I loved him, it was just really fast and I was still in love with Daniel), that was a dramatic 2 months. I decided that I had been patient enough with Daniel and it was time to move on?? I knew it wasn’t but I was at my wits end. It was some crazy Jane Austen bullshit. I was just like okay the man I love won’t be with me, and I was ready to settle for Frenchie. At first it was okay, I even talked about him to Daniel (who definitely seemed uncomfortable hearing about it but fuck if he said absolutely nothing plus he straight up had said to me in the past he couldn’t be with me) and thought I could be friends with Daniel LOL well it basically boiled over and I had to choose to cut Daniel out of my life and move on or be alone forever (convincing myself Daniel would never man up). So after an emotional therapy session I was going to have the Goodbye Conversation with Daniel towards the end of July. It did not go well. I knew i couldn’t live without him. Daniel, who had never said these words before, choked out through tears that he loved me and wanted to be with me. And a switch flipped in my brain, in my soul. I was like « oh okay I shall break up with frenchie tomorrow » and we fell asleep on discord. The next morning I woke up and he said « Jenni? Je t’aime » and I… well, still to this day wonder if I’m dreaming. I love him so much, so intensely. It’s cosmic. It’s automatic.
Anyway, don’t really know how to end this except wow. I really got the silly slow burn friends to lovers trope of my dreams.
Good night.
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87435678753256732 · 2 years
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Update // September, 2022
where: room
doing: laying, listening to Kokomo, IN by JP
hey! it’s been a while. i stopped entering new blogs after covid, school, and work started picking up again.
Well now it’s 2022 and i’ve finally graduated! this was back in may, so it’s been a couple of months. I now have a BS(haha) and am planning on applying to grad school this fall (this month act HAHA) AHHH i’m terrified. i work full time now at a place related to my degree. i love my coworkers, although i wish we got more employee appreciation such as free food jeje. bare minimum pizza parties?? cmon yall. I’m still at Target here and there, mostly to start saving up for grad school cus a bitch is BROKE. holidays are coming up so that’ll be fun. i started physically journaling as well but that didn’t last long either. i started therapy this time last year. i liked her at first but definitely caught some red flags. finally almost a year later i got the guts to terminate and got a therapist that has a similar background and is a beast at processing. she did call me out tho LMFAO on stuff i’m a bit hypocritical on.
life was pretty much become work, rest, work, rest. i have been drifting a bit from my college friends because they’re still in school, but i try to reply in the gc. my hs friends i’ve pretty much lost contact with. the only person i actively speak with is aracely who i adore. but i only see her irl like twice a year. trying to get better at catching up with friends. i haven’t been worried about my social life bc so much of it is online, so it’s easy to communicate. my twitter bud cameron keeps me updated on twitter drama and bs that the internet shits out, and my other pals i keep in touch by watching their stories LOL. my friend sun told me he cannot go a week without speaking to his friends which makes me feel bad for him. i couldn’t imagine being so dependent on others like that. now for the juicy stuff. i’ve been pretty much single for the entirety of this blog. i actually started this as a way to see my progress mentally. although i haven’t scrolled ALL the way down, i already can tell it’ll be cringey as FUU. teenage me was dramatic asf. i’ll be 23 this year, and at a place where i can feel my frontal lobe finally forming lolol. dating apps have always terrified me, mostly bc i felt a form of embarrassment from having others see me. yet, they can’t judge cus they���re also on the app as well LMFAO. so i never went through with it. instead i lurked through the internet in places where i was the most comfortable in. and after a few months of slithering through the cracks, i stumbled upon a post that caught my attention. this was about spring time this year. i didn’t have the guts to hit this person up and instead contemplated the idea for some days but eventually talked myself out of it. the next couple of months i went back to walking through the back rooms of the web. early this summer that same person posted something, i recognized their user, so i said “fuck it” and hit them up. i did use a burner account tho and not my actual account from when i was 18 LMFAO. roach milk some would call it. he ended up replying and we started talking online. once it hit the weekend, he asked if i wanted to hang out irl which i started panicking and trying to come up with excuses LOL i was just scared. the first date went great imo and we kissed at the end. the kiss SUCKed bc i was uncomfy on our location and also bc i had just met this person.
i just need to stop my brain from trying to sabotage my happiness. my body image has also gotten a bit better, especially considering he’s seen every spot in my body lmfao. i’ll be bring up the self sabotage to my therapist next week so hopefully i’ll have something to update y’all on soon.
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thelifeofnosilla · 2 years
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It's been a long time...hi!
Yeah it's been a while, noticed my last post said something about 365 pounds. Well whatever I said in that post probably did not happen because I am now 375 pounds. 10 pounds heavier and not sure I am really liking my life because of it. I decided to come on here and write (even though this should be a daily thing for me) because I am going into a deep depression. I honestly have no idea what is going on with me but I was out of it all day.
Yesterday I found out that I got accepted for what was my little "dream" apartment but sadly we are not going to take it because my partner and I do not have money saved up for it. It had everything I needed/wanted and even a gym in the building WHICH WAS WHAT I REALLY WANTED. I feel like having a gym in the building would just help me stay motivated even though lately I feel like nothing motivates me.
Just a disclaimer that I am going to babble off about different things today. I just needed to get everything going on in my life the past few months out.
Anyways, I got into a situation where I wasn't paying my rent for a few months and now owe a lot of back rent which could get me evicted by the end of September if I do not get it paid. My partner pays the ConEd and WiFi while I pay for the rent. This was kinda the deal moving in since he was not even ready to move out of his father's house but I asked him to move in with me. The plan is when we move from here to go 50/50 on everything and honestly rent at this place is so cheap!
I will probably keep this post private so that everyone is not in my business/our business now that I think about it. (DECIDED TO POST, YOUR STORY CAN HELP SOMEONE ELSE!)
ANYWHO, I am in debt, I know I can get paid more at a new job, I feel like I owe everyone and everything. I don't even know what to do anymore (lol). I guess the real truth is that I am at a loss in life at the moment. I do not even take care of myself and I really need to start. I try here and there but nothing is consistent so I need to put some real discipline in my life because I do not know wtf I am even doing anymore. I am going to read my past post after this just to see where things went wrong for me and see if I can catch myself back up.
As I am writing this, I am thinking that I need to do the $0 budget where all my money goes somewhere so that I cannot find an excuse to spend money on something I do not need. I deleted the food apps from my iPhone but those are just a download away and I fall right back into that trap. Urgh. I do not know what I am going to do as I keep saying here (lol). I cannot even open up a regular bank account because I have messed up all my relationships with the banks and I do not have the money to mend those relationships. I can sit here and dwell on all the what ifs of life but I am letting that go. I need to leave all of my past in the past and truly move forward in life.
I guess I am starting to feel a little better as I write everything out. This is what I need to do in general, even with work, I need to just write about it and vent into my writing so I do not react at work or in life in general. I know a lot of people say just go to therapy but I do not feel ready I guess to take that next step. I also noticed I do not like talking to people much in conversation, I rather pour it all into a book at this point. I just do not want to speak about my trauma and my life. Maybe everyone thinks I am crazy but this might work best for me right now until I find myself ready to take that step.
I do want to share that my anxiety has gotten a little bit better. I could not even get out of my house at one point and I hated traveling on the MTA because I just felt like something was going to happen to me. Living in NYC can be rough. I was mostly ok until COVID hit and things got really bad and I just would rather stay home. I have plans to get out of the house tomorrow on my own so hopefully that works out for me. I want to go to Whole Foods and buy some healthy options to eat during the week. I might stop by Bath & Body Works to get myself a candle. Either way I want to start doing stuff for myself so I can feel better. I am not the girl who needs to get her hair done but definitely need to start adding getting my nails done every two weeks, mani/acrylic and a pedicure. I am in a whole relationship and my feet be looking crazy. LOL. It sounds funny but seriously we all need to care for ourselves.
I had to take a pause to go in my phone because I have been wanting to go to this nail artist for acrylic nails and I think I am going to start going to her. I need to be ready for when she opens her books since she opens them biweekly. On another note though I had red and blue hair this year but I am going to cut it and dye it black, probably might do that once I get off here. I need a break from the colors so I can stay focused on other things. I have not had black hair in a very long time but my hair short is everything for me. I do not know why but it makes me feel so good and like a true woman. When my hair is long, nothing looks nice to me, even when I blow it out. I cannot explain it but short hair seems to be the thing for me.
I am going down the list of my life to see what else has been happening and I noticed I did not even mention I am going to be 30 on Sunday, August 28th. Something about my birthday being on a Sunday feels so right but I really cannot believe I am going to be 30 years old. I really thought that I would be in a different place in life but I am not and that is totally ok. 30 is going to be a different chapter for me for sure, probably a whole new book. I want things to be different, I want to really work on me. I plan to live it up in my 30s and live life to the fullest, as well as really manifest a life for myself.
Was thinking about cleansing myself. I feel like I need a full cleanse in life, to let go of all my past and wrong doings and move forward as a better person. I do not feel like going to everyone I hurt or hurt me and speaking about it will make things better. I believe it is what you do moving forward. At this point I just see no sense in moving backwards. I hope this does not seem like a cop out in life but I just really want to start a new chapter for myself and I really want things to be different.
RANDOM BUT I need to stay the hell off Instagram lol. I feel like it sucked me back in again. I need to put most of my time into reading, educating myself and just being better. (Reminds me I want to go back to school at some point lol). But yeah, Nosilla needs to invest her time wisely!
From February 2023-July 2023, for those 6 months, I am saving and paying off debt, saving and paying off debt. I do want to buy myself a car for my 31st birthday but I am not sure yet if that will happen. I just want $10k in my savings account first and everything else can come after that. I need money put away that I do not touch so if I ever end up in a situation, at least I have some type of money. For my car, I want to be able to have my 6 months of insurance paid up front when I finance my car, because honestly I am probably not going to lease. I think it is best I finance since I plan to drive it everywhere lol.
Who knows anything..like I said before I AM LOST but I want to make moves to a better future and start manifesting my life.
I am glad I got all this out, I think I said somewhere above I will go back and read my old post but I am not going to. I am going to just move forward and one day when things in life are where I want them to be, I can always come back to see how far I have come.
Goodbye all you beautiful people - we will chat soon! 🥰
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lissabean · 2 years
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I have a lot of thoughts today.
My boss once referred to me as "a fixture in her house" and I really don't like the way that sounds. I suppose she may not have meant any harm by it. She probably just meant that I'm there all the time - which is true - but she seems to think I'll be here forever, which definitely isn't true.
I've been thinking a lot about what I'd like to talk about in therapy tomorrow. I think I want to delve into my psychotic break and the unexpected accusation I made against my father. I don't know though. Every time I decide what I'm going to talk about in therapy, something else usually comes out. I suppose I'll keep it in mind and if I end up being ready to talk about it, I'll talk about it.
I'm taking a technology break today. Yes, I know I'm using Tumblr right now but only to type out this post. I love journaling and I consider this just another online journal, honestly. I like keeping track of my life at particular moments, even moments that have no grand significance. There are things I never would remember if I didn't have something of it to look back on.
Anyway, I'm not using the TV while I'm at work and I'm using my phone as little as I can. I've been replying to friends and looking up a thing here and there but that's all. I've been very tired lately and I think that's partly because my mind has been stimulated far too much for too long.
Oh! I almost forgot lol. Our apartment closet and half of our bedroom got flooded yesterday. Water had pooled up beneath the carpet from a toilet that had busted in the apartment next to us. The funny thing is, it was the toilet from the model apartment - the one they bring potential residents ((pls tell me why I thought the word was "livers" for a second)) in to see. So we're crashing with my husband's baby mama for almost a week. It's not nearly as awful as it would have been years ago. It's actually quite nice to be there. We get to spend time with my step-daughter which is always fun. We played Yahtzee last night, it had been a long time for me. I forgot how much I love that game, hehe.
I started smoking cigarettes again after going three months with no nicotine. I had been vaping before. I know I'll quit again here in a bit so I'm not gonna give myself a hard time over it.
I think maybe I already talked about registering for college classes but- oh yeah, I remember I did. Good then. I think that's about it for now. Um, I guess last thing I can talk about is how much money I'm making from Rover right now. It's a pet sitting app and it is keeping me busy! I'm glad for it though, I need to save all the money I can so I can get started at school asap, hopefully no later than next summer.
Speaking of summer, I am ready to go swimming. I love the sounds of summer, the heat, the vibrancy of it. I wanna lay in the sun for a while and swim - then repeat. That sounds just about perfect to me.
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raysofcrosby · 3 years
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WHATEVER LIFE THROWS AT YOU – m. tkachuk
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part nine – KEEP THIS LOVE IN A PHOTOGRAPH
warning(s): a little bit of angst, matt being a butthead for .2 seconds and some sad moments.
summary: still reeling from betrayal, chantal gives matt an overdue gift that leads him down a road to all the things he missed. after some advice, he ends up back at caroline’s door and the two have a much needed, second conversation, finding himself wanting to mend the wounds from the last eight years.
word count: 12,014
an: i may or may not have listened to photograph by ed sheeran on repeat while writing this 🥺again, i suck at summaries they’re literally the worst lol
⇠ previous part • playlist • series masterlist • join the series taglist • next part ⇢
He didn’t go back to Calgary.
He did stay in a hotel the night of Thanksgiving and the day after that, only returning home when he knew his parents were off at Brady’s game, the last home game before he went off on a 2-week road series, only to come back for a 3 game home stand then be off again for another 2 weeks which would bring him back home the last two days of the year, where he’d luckily have New Year's Eve off. He didn’t leave his room unless he knew his parents were out of the house somewhere and if he couldn’t avoid them, he’d just do whatever he needed to do and ignored the hell out of them.
Not that they attempted to talk to him anyway.
Maybe it was because he clearly had a look on his face that said ‘don’t talk to me’ or maybe it was because after that blowup on Thanksgiving night, they knew how he felt about the entire situation and they knew that they were wrong. Either way, they were giving him the space he desperately needed and didn’t need to ask for.
And it stayed that way for a week. He went along his business, going to physical therapy, doing his stretches, calling the guys to see how everything was going and to keep up morale, and if he happened to cross paths with his parents, he just kept going on his way. The only time he ever purposely avoided them was when he knew Ethan was coming over, Caroline came to pick him up or any of the Marsh’s came over.
It wasn’t that he didn’t want to see any of them, it was just that he needed a little bit of time. It was easy enough waking up every morning and remembering that hey, he was a Dad. The thought alone was simple, but the questions that followed weren’t. Where do he and Caroline go from here? When were they going to tell Ethan? Would they do split custody and he got Ethan for the summer months? Did he have to legally file for split custody for those three months? How does this all work out and why did the mere thought of even having to think about split custody make his stomach feel all sour?
Besides the haunting questions and constantly replaying his and Gio’s conversation in his mind every second of the day, Matt had to deal with telling Greg, his agent, about Ethan. As expected, he didn’t immediately greet the news with welcome arms, thinking that Matt had gotten himself twisted up with a random hook-up in Calgary somewhere. But once Matt told him the details, well pretty much everything he knew and that Caroline wasn’t some random girl he met at a bar or on an app, he could hear the stress lower in Greg’s voice.
Until he started talking about how they would put it out there in the world, different strategies they could take that would put the cards into their hands and have it break when they wanted it to...and Matt told him no. That he couldn’t release that information yet, because Ethan didn’t even know yet.
“Sooner rather than later, Matt. You don’t want this getting out unless you and her are the ones announcing it.”
Matt knew that. He knew that at some point, it would have to be out there that he has a son and if he didn’t announce it first, somehow someone else would catch them on a day together and throw it all into the hands of some magazine or all bundled up in an email to a sports network. He knew how the world worked from his side when it came to the need to know and want to know details of a player's personal life.
Sometimes, it was like there were no boundaries and that’s what made him the most nervous about all of this. Not that he wanted to hide the fact that Ethan existed or the history he and Caroline shared...but how it’d all play out for them. He could handle it, he’s been on the receiving end of some not-so-great tweets, articles, newsreels, etc for most of his career. But Caroline hadn’t and Ethan was just a kid.
But sometimes, none of that ever even mattered to the ones who wanted to be the first ones to get the news out first.
Before the phone call ended, Greg had reminded him again to try and have the conversation with Caroline about what to do and what they wanted to do and Matt just agreed and hung up. But that conversation wouldn’t be happening for a while, not until Ethan knew and not until Matt felt comfortable enough in his apparently shattered relationship with Caroline.
Caroline’s birthday had come and gone and Matt knew she hadn’t asked Brady for the birthday gift like he told her to do...because it was still sitting tucked up at the top of his closet. At least the half of it that Brady knew about. The other half was still sitting at the bottom of the last drawer of his dresser, buried beneath the stack of t-shirts he tossed in when he unpacked that first week home. A velvet black box that sat untouched from the moment he tossed in and covered with a bunch of t-shirts he never wore anymore once that first week back at home ended and he found out that Caroline had left for the summer.
No one knew about that part of what would’ve been her birthday gift...well, only Mitch. Because Mitch was there with Matt when he bought it. Another reason why he had been so understanding to Matt since he was also with him the moment Caroline’s break-up text came through. And since he’s locked himself away in his room once all of his errands are done, it’s been all he could think about.
A reminder of just how different things are now and he wasn’t sure if he’d ever be able to bring himself to dig it up from the bottom of the drawer.
He was on day eight of keeping up with his ignore everyone routine and truly just felt drained all around– physically, mentally, and emotionally. Physical therapy kicked his ass, now that he was getting ready to reach six weeks post-op and was given new stretches that were really involving his shoulder, most of his appointments ending in a serious icing session. He stopped at subway on the way home and grabbed himself a sub before going home, showering and then hiding back up in his room to eat.
Once he had finished eating, he checked the time to see if he could make it to the bathroom down the hall without being caught by his parents or Ethan– and if he could be quiet, he’d succeed. Now was around the time that Ethan and his Dad would be heading out to practice, not coming back till later that night. The large drink he splurged on was enough to have him risk getting caught as he carefully opened his door and snuck down the hall to use the bathroom. When he was done, he snuck back out into the hall and got to his bedroom door just in time as he heard his Dad and Ethan leaving.
“Papa Walt?” Ethan asked, he and Matt’s Dad walking by the bottom of the stairs as Matt tried to peek out of his door.
“What’s up, buddy?” Matt’s Dad replied, handing him his winter coat.
“Is he mad that I didn’t want to work on my backhands at Thanksgiving? Is that why he’s not helping me anymore?” Ethan paused at the bottom of the stairs, zipping up the thick coat.
Matt heard his Dad take a deep breath and exhale before opening the door. “He’s not mad at you Ethan, I promise. He’s just...dealing with some stuff.”
“Shoulder stuff?”
“A bit, yeah.”
He heard the front door close and he closed his bedroom door, walking over to his bed. That wasn’t the first time that he’d heard Ethan ask about where Matt had been over the last week. Every time Ethan’s come over since that first day Matt left the hotel...he’s asked. Is he sick? Is he mad? Where’s he at? Is he hungry? Is he sleeping? Did he go back to Calgary? Should we make him a sandwich? It’s not because I didn’t want to do backhands, is it? Are you sure he’s not mad at me?
The first time he heard him ask about the backhands, Matt felt horrible. It hadn’t even dawned on him that Ethan would even think that the reason Matt hadn’t been around was his fault. But still, Matt couldn’t bring himself to leave his room, he still needed time. How was he supposed to look Ethan in the eyes and just act like he hadn’t learned this big secret? How would he be able to keep the word son from accidentally slipping through his lips? Most of all, how was he supposed to look at him and remember that he’d missed out on nearly his entire life without getting even the slightest bit angry? Ethan was a smart kid, there was no way he wouldn’t miss the tension Matt was carrying, he’d catch on too quick for Matt to handle.
He didn’t even know if Caroline was going to tell him...or when, Matt at least gave her that much. Now that he knew, there was no way she’d keep it from Ethan and if she did, she wasn’t the girl he knew growing up. It was still hard to believe that the girl he loved for all of those years, so easily shut him out of something this big.
But still...he wanted to give her the benefit of the doubt, but it was just so damn hard.
He’d only been lying back in his bed for ten minutes before a knock came from his door. He didn’t look in that direction, keeping his eyes on the tv. Another knock came a few seconds later before the door opened altogether, his Mom standing in the doorway. He wanted to say something slick along the lines of wanting some privacy since he was almost 26 years old, but even if he was mad at her, she was still his Mom and he would never disrespect her that way.
“I’m getting tired of this, Matthew.” She spoke, holding onto his doorknob. “I know you’re upset, but this isn’t the way to go about it.”
“Yeah, well hiding the fact that I have a son wasn’t exactly the best way to go about that either,” he spoke, crossing his arms as he kept his gaze ahead.
She walked into his room and over to the edge of his bed, sitting down. “I was dropping off their Christmas presents when I found out.” She said, running her hand over his comforter. “Caroline answered the door and I had just started talking thinking that it was Susan who answered. It took me a second to realize that it was Caroline and my eyes just drifted down and there was this...tiny baby in her arms in a blue onesie and I just couldn’t believe it.”
He didn’t want to listen, he heard it all from Caroline how his parents had found out about Ethan. But still, hearing the soft tone and guilt in his Mom’s voice, he let his gaze move away from the tv and onto her.
“Susan let me come in and we all sat down on the couch. Caroline put him down in this little soothe and sway and before anyone could speak, she just broke down into tears and told me everything.”
“Everything?” He asked.
She pursed her lips and nodded. “Yes, everything and if I could ground you for sneaking her over those times eight years ago, I would.”
He bit the inside of his cheek, fighting from letting the smile show on his face as he kept his arms crossed. “What happened? I mean, Caroline already told me...but I want to know your reasoning for not telling me.”
“She didn’t do it maliciously, Matthew, I want you to know that. When we were sitting there, I could just see how...scared and how worried she was that all of this would ruin everything that was happening for you.” She turned towards him more, resting her hands in her lap. “We got your Dad to try and reason with her, explain that you knowing about Ethan and everything wouldn’t hurt anything...but she didn’t want to risk it.”
“She knew not telling you was wrong, she told me herself. And she was insistent on everyone having a relationship with him, letting him grow up with everyone around and then telling you when the time was right.”
“She didn’t even tell me, Mom.” He said, clenching his jaw. “I only found out because I saw Ethan wearing that necklace I gave her for Christmas and he said that she told him his Dad gave it to him. Eight years and she wasn’t going to tell me. She played all of you guys and you let it happen.”
“Matthew Tkachuk you cut out that tone right now and you listen to me,” she said, giving him her stern Mom look. “We tried to get her to tell you, all of us and I mean all of us. We would talk to her and set dates for the day she’d tell you, but she would always get too scared and never do it.”
“You guys let her,” he replied, looking at her. “Even if she never told me, any of you could have. But you didn’t and I don’t understand why.”
“You asked why your Dad and I didn’t fight more for you to know about him,” she sighed, looking at him. “We did, Matthew. We tried, but she was just...she was never ready. We all tried to tell her that there was nothing to be worried about or scared about, but she just never listened.”
“How do I even know he’s mine?” The words left his mouth before he could stop them, a stupid thought he knew had no merit but said completely out of spite.
“I know you’ve taken plenty of hits over the years, but I’d like to think that you still have some normal brain function to know that what you just asked, was an incredibly stupid question, Matthew.” The tone and look on her face was the one he always had to stare at whenever he got grounded and instantly he felt like he was a teenager again getting reprimanded.
“I’m sorry, I don’t know why I said it…”
“Because you’re frustrated.” She said, nodding. “You’re frustrated at Caroline and all of us and I understand that. We had no right to keep it from you as the years passed and I just want you to know that in doing that...it wasn’t easy on any of us, even Caroline. We only wanted to respect her wishes, Matthew. She was 18 and in many ways a child, but she was also a Mom. And she’s learning a very hard lesson from that first choice that she made all those years ago.”
Matt looked away from her again as he tried to focus on the Breaking Bad episode and ignore the sigh coming from his Mom. “I know it’s going to be some time before you can understand or even forgive us for what we did, but please just know that we all love you and in the beginning, we came to an agreement to benefit you. But as time went on, everything changed and everyone pushed her to say something. We haven’t been against you all of this time, Matthew and we love seeing you with Ethan. It’s something we’ve been waiting for for a very long time, and the Marsh’s since before he was even born.”
He clenched his jaw, shaking his head slightly as he looked back at her. “I missed everything, Mom. She lied to me and I-I missed it all. The ultrasounds, the appointments, the birth,” he took a deep breath and exhaled. “Ethan’s first steps, first words...everything a-and I feel like a part of me hates her for it, but I don’t want to hate her, Mom, I really don’t because she’s...I...she’s Care. But he’s also half mine and she cut me out of that entire experience of watching him grow up and grouped you guys all in it.”
His Mom got up and walked out of the room, leaving his bedroom door open behind her as he heard her walk down the steps. He stared at the empty doorway, giving her a little more time before he grabbed the corner of his blanket to toss it off to go close the door. Before he could toss off his blanket, she came back into the room, carrying a stack of four album books, walking back over to his bed.
“What is this?” He asked, looking at the stack.
“The bottom three are albums of pictures she’s put together in her spare time over the last few years,” she said, picking up the one on top and turning it to him. “And this one, is Ethan’s baby book, his first year.”
The book itself was hardcover, the spine was lighter green with dark green stripes that reached maybe three inches into the rest of the cover. Decorated across were little different colored flags that hung from a banner that was just above two cut-out squares that were stacked on top of each other. Inside the first, was a picture of a smiling Ethan who couldn’t have been more than a few months old, with messy curls, and a dimpled smile on full display with what was probably baby food all over his face. The second picture was a small footprint, probably taken from when he was born. Beneath both photos were the words ‘my baby book’ and in the bottom right corner, an embroidered grey elephant that was holding onto the string of an orange balloon.
“Why are you giving me these?” He asked, motioning towards the stack. “They’re yours, not mine.”
“No, ours are at the top of your Dad’s closet,” she said, walking towards him and placing the baby book in his lap. “These are yours.”
Matt picked up the baby book, feeling the weight of it as he looked at the other photo albums, shaking his head slightly. “Mine?”
“Yours. Caroline did online school senior year...she had a lot of free time and in her words ‘picked up an artistic hobby.’” She laughed, exhaling, touching the top of the baby book. “She made one and then made some copies for her parents, one for us...and one for you. She gave it to us as a Christmas present and gave us yours as well for safekeeping in case once you did find out...you would be angry like you are now for missing out on so much.”
“And the rest of those…” his eyes drifted towards the stack.
“Years 2 through well, his 7th birthday.” She said, reaching back and touching them. “Each one holds two years' worth of pictures, little notes, and memories. She put it together and at the end of the second year when the book is full, she gifts it as a Christmas present. If you ask me, I think she keeps up with it for you and just makes the copies for everyone else. I don’t know if it’s her way of trying to ignore the guilt she feels from keeping it a secret or if she’s officially turned into a craft woman...but she’s kept up with it. Hasn’t stopped.”
He looked back down at the baby book in his hands, his right thumb brushing against the pages of the book and his left brushing against the cover. “She never wanted to cut you out, Matthew. I think she always wanted you there...but she couldn’t let herself put her wants above you. And I know it’s no substitute for missing out on everything that you did...but it’s something.”
“Thanks, Mom…” he said, looking up from the book and holding it up slightly. “For this.”
“It’s the least I could do,” she nodded, leaning down and kissing his forehead before walking towards the door to leave. She turned around, looking at him as she sighed. “I’m really sorry, Matthew. We all are. And I know those are just words, but I really hope that through time you can forgive us.”
He nodded and watched as she walked out of his bedroom, closing the door behind her. He looked down at the book in his hands and then the books that were sitting at the edge of his bed. He slid out from beneath the comforter and placed the baby book on top of the other four, trying his best to carry all four in his right arm as he walked across the room and placed them on top of his dresser before walking back to his bed and climbing beneath the blankets and returning to Breaking Bad.
He picked up his phone and pressed Gio’s contact, listening to it ring before finally reaching the voicemail. He groaned and hung up, typing up a text instead before placing his phone down next to him and taking one last look at the books before looking back at the tv, interrupting his Breaking Bad episode and clicking onto Greys Anatomy, where he’d left off in season five, skipping George’s death and immediately going into season six.
He just needed time. Time and for Gio to answer his damn phone. Both of which, he guesses... go hand in hand at this point.
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The sound of the generic iPhone ringtone erupted by Matt’s ear, almost causing him to fall out of bed. He hadn’t even known he fell asleep until he was waking up. He picked up the phone to see Gio’s name and the time— he’d only been asleep for almost two hours.
“Hello?” He asked, clearing his groggy voice as he sat up and rubbed his eyes.
“What kind of bullshit did you text me, Matt?” 
“Huh?” He yawned, stretching. “I kinda feel asleep and you woke me up so you’re gonna have to refresh my memory there a bit, Gio.”
“Oh sorry here,” Gio’s voice was dropped in sarcasm before he cleared his throat to speak. “My Mom just put seven years' worth of pictures in photo albums on my bed including Ethan’s baby book saying that Caroline made them for me what do I do???”
“Oh, that.”
“Oh that, yeah no shit that,” Gio said, no doubt rolling his eyes on the other side of the phone. “Please tell me you still have enough brain cells in that thick skull of yours to know what I’m about to tell you right now.”
“Um…” Matt looked off towards his dresser to see the stack of books still sitting where he’d left them. “That I’m being stupid and should look at them?”
“A much nicer way of putting it, but yeah pretty much.” Gio laughed. “Why did you even second guess looking at them, Chucky? Last time we talked you were wrecked about missing all of this and now that you have a chance to get a glimpse you’re not going to do it? Is this out of spite or something?”
“I may or may not have been hiding away and ignoring everyone for the last week,” Matt replied, running a hand down his face. “And I know you’re going to ream me out for that but...I just needed time, Gio.”
“You’re running out of time, Matt.” Gio laughed softly. “Every second that you spend wasting away in your room throwing yourself a pity party, is a second that you’re letting pass by to being able to spend time with Ethan and get to know him more. So look at the damn pictures, dude.”
“Alright, thanks Gio,” Matt said, getting out of bed and walking towards the dresser. “Sorry for the call and stupid text.”
“It’s no problem, I’m here for you, Matt.” He replied. “Oh, send me a picture of what Ethan looks like. I need to know if I need to say a little prayer for his Mom in case he’s literally a carbon copy of you.”
“Bye, Gio,” Matt laughed, hanging up the phone and tossing it over to his bed. He scooted the albums off of the dresser and held them steady in his right arm, still restricted from holding anything heavy in his left. He shuffled over to his bed and placed them down before sitting back down and getting back beneath his blanket.
At first, he questioned where he should start, but that quickly faded out when he realized that he literally had the first seven years all in front of him and it would clearly only make sense to start...at the beginning.
He picked up the baby book and rested it on his lap, right hand toying with the cover as he tried to push back the nerves he was feeling from even just holding it. When he finally got the nerve to open it, he was greeted with a picture of Ethan wrapped up in one of the generic hospital blankets and lying in a hospital bassinet, looking directly at whoever was taking the picture. Beneath it in nice cursive writing and dark marker, was a quote with an unknown author– “May you touch fireflies and stars, dance with fairies, and talk to the man in the moon. May you grow up with love and gracious hearts and people who care. Welcome to the world, little one. It’s been waiting for you.”
Matt flipped the page and was greeted with a light blue scrapbook paper that honestly part of him had a hard time believing Caroline ever put together. She was artistic, sure– but there was a reason why she never took art in high school. But his Mom said that she had a lot of free time...so maybe that’s why it all looked so good. In fancy script, flat in the middle of the page it read– “where my story begins…”
Matt flipped again and stopped, instantly seeing four different pictures of him and Caroline throughout the years. In the top left, was a picture from their first day of kindergarten. Both of them wearing backpacks that were much bigger than they were and the two were holding hands and sporting big toothy grins. The top right was a picture from the summer after sixth grade, the two of them sitting on the back of a boat out on the lake, arms over the other's shoulders as they ate popsicles. The bottom right was their freshman year of high school, both of them sporting their respective school team uniforms. Caroline had raced over to his school after her first field hockey win, to make sure she caught his first high school game. His arm around her waist and hers around his as she held her left hand right on his torso, the two of them smiling as they both looked equally as spent from their games. And the bottom left, the last picture was from junior prom when he flew in to surprise her. They were out at this park where kids from the schools always went to get big event pictures done for senior year or even just for prom. She was wearing a lavender, one-shoulder dress, the top half of it was decorated with small silver jewels and Matt was wearing a black tux with a matching bowtie. They were supposed to be doing the traditional prom pose, but Matt was smiling down at her and she was looking over her shoulder, smiling at him.
In the paper that the pictures bordered, at the very top was written– Mommy and Daddy: Our Story. And in Caroline’s familiar, neat handwriting, he read what she wrote:
We met when we were four years old at a park in our neighborhood. I was working very hard on creating the biggest sand pile that a four-year-old could muster when Daddy came running over, tripped, and fell into my pile, destroying it. We both cried and then he helped me build another one. We later became neighbors and best friends, always hanging out and playing together, spending summer days on the lake or out at the fields or rinks. But as we got older we realized that we were both hiding big secrets– we liked each other a lot! Daddy asked Mommy to be his girlfriend the same night as their first date at one of Grandpa Keith’s hockey games and we were inseparable from that point on. Mommy supported Daddy at his hockey games and Daddy supported Mommy at her field hockey games, we were each other’s biggest fans. Even when Daddy got chosen to play with some of the best hockey players in the country and had to move away during the school year, we loved and supported each other through the distance, remaining best friends and in love. We were each others' forever number one fans.
Matt flipped the page, seeing pictures of himself from when he was growing up, as well as pictures of his parents and siblings. Caroline had filled out this page as an About My Daddy page, listing all of Matthew’s favorite things– food, sports, candy, movies, music– and his other background information– where he was born, where he went to school, his siblings' names, his parents' names, grandparents names– the entire page was dedicated to him. And when he flipped to the next one, it was an About My Mommy page, similar to how his had been, but this time it was strictly about Caroline.
He flipped again and paused, focusing on the black and white images of Ethan’s sonogram. Beneath the two images, were two appointment cards from Planned Parenthood. On the left one, the date was a little faded, but when he looked close enough...he saw that it was the day she found out that she was pregnant and told Matt that she wasn’t. Next to it, was one that shared the same date as the date on the sonogram– two weeks later after she had told him her test was negative and in a sectioned off box in the top right, was Caroline’s handwriting again: 
When I found out about you, I was scared and had so many doubts. I was a teenager, what did I know about raising a baby? I could barely manage to come back home on time before curfew! But when I went in and heard your heartbeat and saw you for the first time, I felt a calm come over me. I was still terrified and knew nothing about being a Mommy, but already you were able to reach me in a way that only your Daddy could...and I knew that you were our little blessing.
The next page was a brighter blue of scrapbook paper and more of Ethan’s sonogram scans, what looked like a receipt to shake shack featuring...quite the list of items this time, a picture of Caroline’s baby bump and a big scrapbook patch that read, ‘it’s a boy’ sat in the middle and Caroline’s handwriting sat to the side of it: 
If I’m being honest with you, I had absolutely no idea what you were going to be. I just really wanted you to be healthy, that’s all that mattered to me. Grandpa Richard went with me to my appointment to find out who you were going to be. You surprised Mommy that morning because I went to bed and the next morning I woke up with a bump. Mommy’s doctor joked that you were ready to make yourself known to the world. Every time the tech went to try and get scans of you, you would always move around inside my belly and we all knew then that you were going to be quite a wild one. And when they told me that you were a boy, Mommy cried and I pictured you looking just like your Daddy. After the appointment, you were fussy and practically begging Mommy to get some french fries and a milkshake– great choice– so Grandpa Richard bought us some and you were very, very happy after that. That was a really rough day for Mommy, I cried a lot...but thinking about you always made me feel just a little bit better.
The date on the scans in this section of the book...Matt knew that date, God he’d never forget that date. It was when he was hours away from going to the airport to pick her up, only to receive a text from her saying that she wasn’t coming. That he couldn’t be distracted and that the two of them should focus on their own stuff– pretty much dumping him over text. He could still remember exactly how he felt and how he channeled all that anger, frustration, and heartbreak into hockey, but nothing ever made it feel better. The distractions only masked the pain he was feeling and most nights after practice, the only way he could ever help himself relax and feel better...was by hanging around the rink for a few minutes to an hour afterward and just take in the silence and the peacefulness that a clean sheet of ice brought. That day was the worst day of his life back then...and while he felt like he should still be holding onto that anger– somehow, after reading this...that day was taking on new meaning.
It was the day that he was expecting a son– Ethan.
The next few pages went over the cravings she had during her pregnancy, some maternity pictures she’d taken with Aunt Clara, and just talking about how the times he was most active were at night or whenever she was watching hockey or 20/20. He flipped through and came to another break with a light green scrapbook paper that had ‘Hello, Baby!’ in fancy script in dark marker, the famous Winnie the Pooh quote written beneath it– A grand adventure is about to begin! When he flipped it, he was greeted with two pictures of Caroline and Ethan. The one on top had Care elevated in a hospital bed, holding onto the bundled newborn Ethan, yawning and reaching up with his arm. The second, just beneath the first, was the same picture– only this time Ethan had a grip on her index finger and she was crying.
To the right, was her handwriting again: 
If there was anything that ever convinced Mommy that you were just like you Daddy, it’s the fact that you came 20 days earlier than you were supposed to. Daddy isn’t one for waiting either, he’s too eager and impatient. You were determined to make your way into the world, starting your journey the night before so by the time Mommy got to the hospital, she missed out on her epidural and it was already time for your delivery! Grandpa Richard, Grandma Susan, and Uncle Andrew were in the room with me, your Uncle being a little freaked out, but he did a great job of supporting me, he even volunteered to cut your umbilical cord. And when I heard you cry for the first time, I cried too because you were finally here and you were exactly how I pictured you– just like your Daddy.
Matt turned the page to see a bunch of pictures of a newborn Ethan being checked by nurses, screaming and crying like all newborns do as well as pictures of him wrapped up in a blanket and being held by Richard, Susan, and Andrew in the hospital room. On the next page, was a bigger picture of him swaddled up in a light blue blanket with a matching beanie, fast asleep. Beneath it, in an official-looking kind of template was everything about him and it only took Matt a few seconds to stop staring at the sleeping newborn version of the soon-to-be eight-year-old that he now knows, to even notice what it says: 
Ethan Matthew Marsh. Born: December 11th, 2015, 7:00 pm at St. Vincent’s Medical Center. Stats: 6 pounds 4 ounces, 19 inches long. Delivered by: Dr. Teresa Kendricks.
Beneath it, there was a longer box with Caroline’s handwriting: 
Mommy chose to name you Ethan because it means firm, strong, and that’s how I felt whenever I looked at you, so tiny in my arms. You made me feel strong. And your middle name is after your Daddy. Looking at you made me feel like I always did whenever I looked at your Daddy. You are the both of ours, but you are every bit of your Daddy’s son.
He’d been fighting them the entire time– the tears that were burning in his eyes. And the moment he read that, he was starting to lose the strength to keep them at bay, feeling a tear fall down his face as he quickly brushed it away.
His middle name was Matthew. She remembered that silly conversation they had way back when Ethan was still a question mark. She named him after him.
It took everything in him to finish through the rest of the book, reading up on Ethan’s trip home, his first bath, his first haircut, his favorite toys and food, first holidays, first word, first outing, first tooth, growth chart– Caroline had kept an organized and meticulous scrapbook of every piece of Ethan’s firsts and the entire first year. Matt would be lying if he said that seeing the pictures of a baby Ethan with his parents and siblings didn’t hurt him, because it did. Looking through this entire book and realizing that he could’ve been a part of this entire journey, but wasn’t...hurt like hell.
But that hurt was eased...because at least he got to see it and read in Caroline’s own words, her experience of carrying and having Ethan. At the end of the book, was a plastic cd sleeve, but inside of it was a flash drive. He reached in and grabbed it before resting the book aside and reaching out to his bedside table for his laptop. He plugged it in and waited for the USB drive to load, clicking on it once he did. And when he opened it, he was greeted with tons of video files– all labeled with Ethan’s name.
He clicked on the first one– Ethan’s first steps– and watched as an 8-month-old Ethan was using his hands to balance against the couch he recognized from the Marsh’s living room. Voices of everyone in the background mingled in and from the left side of the frame, Caroline was squatted down with her arms out in front of her, a smile on her face. Ethan was bouncing himself on his feet, smiling at her before he turned away from the couch and took shaky steps towards her, quickening up before walking into her arms as she hugged him and picked him up, cheering him on.
The second one– Ethan’s first word– and in this one, was a 10-month-old Ethan who was dressed in a dark blue and teal striped onesie, propped up on Caroline’s hip and resting his head against her shoulder. He had a half-empty baby bottle curled inside of his arm as the hand of the arm draped on her shoulder, was twirling a piece of her hair. “Okay, Ethan it’s time to go night night, are you ready to say goodnight?” Caroline smiled, bouncing him on her hip as he nodded, looking off at something that the camera couldn’t see.
The camera panned towards the wall they were standing in front of to show a bunch of pictures– he didn’t recognize the walls of the house, so this had to be the apartment she said she had moved to when she started school. Caroline pointed at all of the pictures, saying ‘goodnight…’ before pausing and hoping that Ethan would fill in the blanks before filling it in for him. She’d gone through her parents, his parents, Brady, Andrew, and Taryn before coming to one last picture.
“Goodnight…” she paused, tickling his tummy as he squirmed slightly a smile on her face before waving at the wall. “Goodnight, Mommy, and say goodnight,” she took a dramatic pause, looking at Ethan as he reached for the picture, waving again.
“Daddy.” Ethan smiled, looking at her as he raised his head off of her shoulder.
“Yes, Ethan, yay!” She smiled, hugging him as she pointed at the picture again. “That’s Mommy and that’s–”
“Daddy.” He smiled, making a grabby hand at the picture before looking at her and bringing his hands into his chest, resting his head in the crook of her neck. “Ight, Daddy.”
Which Matt knew he probably meant to say, ‘Goodnight, Daddy’ like Caroline had been trying to get him to say.
“Good boy, you’re so smart!” She smiled, resting a hand on the back of his head as she looked at the camera with tears in her eyes. “Such a smart boy, that’s your Daddy. Now blow a kiss,” she mimicked blowing a kiss at the picture frame and Ethan did the same, throwing his arm out before wrapping them both around her neck and trying to climb up her as if he was telling her he wanted to go to bed now.
She nodded towards the frame and smiled as she rocked Ethan, the camera moving toward the frame to show that it was the same Junior prom picture of Matt and Caroline.
The rest of the videos were from his first holidays, first time in a pool, his first laugh and smile– Caroline had videotaped every moment that she could...and put it on a flash drive. The firsts, the little moments in between— everything was marked down in his baby book or saved as a video on this flash drive.
“She never wanted to cut you out, Matthew. I think she always wanted you there…” his mom’s voice echoed in his mind as he removed the flash drive and put it back into the sleeve in the baby book.
She wrote all about him in Ethan’s baby book. She chose Matthew as his middle name from a conversation they had years ago. Ethan’s first word...was Daddy and he said it during what Matt could only assume was a routine Caroline and him did every night. He knew who Matt was, he recognized his face in the picture. How involved had he been in the early years of Ethan’s life without knowing and if Caroline had been deliberately keeping him a secret all these years...why bothering showing Ethan anything about Matt at all?
He set the baby book aside and spent the entire rest of his night flipping through the photo albums from Ethan’s second year to his seventh. It was pictures of all the family members with Ethan, days at the park, times at the zoo. Ethan wearing what looked like itchy holiday sweaters and shoving Christmas cookies into his mouth wearing a Santa hat. The first album looked like it was when Ethan picked up hockey, swallowed whole in Matt’s Dad’s old jerseys with a big smile on his face— holding hockey sticks, being on skates, wearing a helmet.
His first day of kindergarten picture had Matt flipping back open the baby book and sure enough, the two of them had matching dimpled grins. School trips and friends, birthday parties, and hockey games. Summers on the beach, most likely in Florida. With each passing picture, he watched Ethan grow up, learning little tidbits from the small notes Caroline wrote in given margins.
At four, “Ethan fell asleep underneath the Christmas tree to try and catch Santa Claus. Stole the milk and cookies so Santa would have to stay longer.”
At six, “Brady and Andrew convinced Ethan that if he took his loose tooth out by using the string and door trick, the tooth fairy would give him $10. They both paid up $5 that I put under his pillow.”
At two, “Ethan’s first time on the ice today with Papa Walt, who said that watching him reminded him of Matthew, I might’ve cried...a lot.”
At five, “His teacher, Mrs. Shepherd sent home a note saying that Ethan absolutely refuses to take his naps and won’t stop talking about the players his Papa Walt told him about. She said it provides great entertainment to the teachers in the lounge and that he might be a little tired when he gets home.”
At three, “Took a trip to the zoo and Ethan stood in front of the tiger exhibit playing with one of the younger tigers for 10 minutes. They ran back and forth in front of the glass until Ethan tripped and fell. Tiger stopped and pawed at the glass but Ethan just giggled, got up, and tried to hug the tiger through the glass before running again.”
And at seven, “Brady took Ethan around the Blues locker room after the game tonight, introduced him to Colton Parayko, and said Ethan ‘called him a giant’ before asking for an autograph.”
By the time he reached the end of the last photo album, Matt no longer had the strength to hold back the tears that had been building up from the moment he opened Ethan’s baby book. He lost it way back by the time he opened the second photo album. But now that he was done looking, he could just bury his head into his hands and just...cry.
It was like all of the frustration, anger, and sadness was releasing from him both as he sat there, stifling sobs as he felt the tears run down his face. There was no way to pinpoint what he was crying about because he was crying about everything. The fact that he and Caroline had been so reckless as teens and she ended up feeling like she needed to keep Ethan a secret. Ethan having knowledge of who he was, even in those younger days. Seeing his parents and siblings holding him in pictures. Seeing himself in pictures of Ethan and wondering how he never saw it before. How he had missed all of those big moments, small moments, and little quirks Ethan developed along the way. Desperately wanting to make memories with him that would be implanted in photo albums for years to come. 
Matt just cried and cried until he physically felt like he couldn’t sit up anymore...and then he fell asleep.
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He woke up the next morning with a throbbing head— hell, his entire body was throbbing. He sent a text asking if they could push PT back to around noon since he wasn’t feeling too hot and needed a few more minutes of sleep. In reality, he just really wanted to go stand beneath the hot water of his shower for some time to try and ease some of the pain throughout his entire body.
It was a struggle to get himself out of bed, sleeping in an awkward position since he fell asleep with Ethan’s photo albums and baby book on his bed. He carefully picked them up before walking them over to the dresser and resting them down, then opening his bedroom door and going out into the hall.
If it was an option to be able to just stay in the shower all day, Matt was positive that he could and would do it. It wasn’t that he was still avoiding the problems that waited outside of his bedroom door, it was the fact that the hot water washing over him put everything at ease. He felt his entire body stop throbbing, his nose felt clear, his eyes weren’t sore...he just felt better.
When he finished his shower, he went back to his room and got dressed for PT, picking his phone up from his bed and remembering that he never sent Gio a picture of Ethan. He walked over to the dresser, opened the book to the picture of Ethan when he was two, and draped in one of Matt’s Dad’s old jersey, smiling, and took a picture of it. He opened his messages with Gio and attached that picture, along with two from Halloween— one of him and Ethan smiling at the camera and then the other of them laughing at each other- and then a picture from Caroline’s Instagram of her and Ethan.
Matt: What’s the verdict, Cap? He as much as a carbon copy as you thought? 😂
Gio: HOLY SHIT. 😳😂
Gio: Just going to go ahead and throw up a small prayer that the both of you don’t drive that girl of yours insane...
Gio: He’s a cute kid, Chucky. Thankfully he looks like he’s got some of his Mom, otherwise, the world would be scary with two Chucky’s wandering around.
Gio: Now keep your head out of your ass and get to know him more!
Matt: Will do! My head is going nowhere near my ass from now on. Hope to introduce you someday!
Gio: Looking forward to it! Can’t wait to tell them all the stories I have on you.
Matt smiled, sending a laughing emoji before getting up to leave his room, Gio’s last text stuck in his mind— how he can’t wait to tell them all the stories of Matt— them as in Ethan and Caroline. Which was funny...because that’s exactly who he pictured when Matt had said he hoped to introduce Gio one day...Ethan and Caroline.
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PT was actually a lot easier today. Whether it was because the healing process was going great or because he as a whole just felt so much lighter, he didn’t know. But he did, he felt better than he did the entire week..and that had to count for something.
When he got back home, he walked into the kitchen to see his Mom and Dad standing at the island counter, a plate out with two pieces of bread on the plate and the supplies to make a peanut butter and jelly out beside it. They stopped their conversation when they heard Matt come in and they all paused.
“How was physical therapy today?” His Mom asked, resting an arm around his Dad.
“It was good,” Matt replied, walking by them and to the fridge, grabbing a cold Gatorade. “The new stretches and stuff are obviously tough...but it’s getting easier.” He walked back and stopped at the end of the counter, nodding at the plate. “Is that for Ethan or you?”
“Ethan,” his Dad replied. “They’ve got a game in a bit and he and Caroline are coming over just before.”
Matt nodded, opening the bottle. Things may have felt better with him, but there was obviously still some tension. “Can I go?”
His parents looked at each other in surprise before his Mom walked from around the counter and gently squeezed his arm. “Of course you can, sweetie. I’m sure Caroline and Ethan would love that.”
“Speaking of,” his Dad said, brushing his hands off on a paper towel. “I’ve got to go meet him out on the sidewalk, would you like to come with me, Matt?”
Matt nodded, holding onto his Gatorade bottle as he followed him out of the kitchen and the front door, out down their front steps and driveway before stopping at the sidewalk just beside their mailbox. “So...why are you standing here, exactly?”
“Ethan’s been wanting a little more freedom in the neighborhood,” he replied, motioning towards Caroline’s house. “Wants to walk to the park, or ride his bike with his friends up and down the street, but obviously he’s a little too young to do that without supervision. Things are how they used to be back when I was a kid or when you guys were kids.”
“So you wait here and watch him walk?”
“That was Caroline’s one condition. He could walk over to our house or the Marsh’s, but only if could get someone to agree to stand there and wait for him. Make sure he actually got there.”
“That’s...actually pretty smart,” Matt replied, taking a sip of his drink. “Who knows all of the times Brady, Care, and I ended up wandering off where we shouldn’t have been.”
“Which is exactly why she did it,” he laughed, digging his hands in his pockets as he sighed. “Listen, I know you’re upset with all of us and you have a very good reason to be. But I just want you to know that what she did...was as much of a good decision as it was bad.”
Matt furrowed his brows and looked at him, tilting his head, but before he could speak, he was cut off. “Papa Walt!!” They looked down the street to see Ethan jogging down his driveway as Caroline followed behind him. “Matt, hi!!”
As soon as he started to run in their direction, Matt moved his gaze to Caroline who was standing at the other end of the sidewalk. She had her arms crossed and he couldn’t tell, but she might've been looking at him too.
“I know it’s hard to understand right now, but you need to realize that at that point in time, what she chose to do was right.” His Dad said, looking at him. “Waiting this long, none of us agreed with it or wanted it to happen. But those first few months...it seemed to be the right thing.”
Matt couldn’t reply because Ethan had reached them, immediately wrapping his arms around Matt’s waist and almost knocking him over. “Oomph!” Matt laughed, bending down and hugging him. “Maybe you should be playing football, huh?”
“My mom says I can’t,” he said, shrugging his shoulders. “She says I’ll get run over.”
“What am I? Chopped liver?” Matt’s Dad laughed as Ethan moved over to him, hugging him.
“I’ve seen you every day, Papa Walt,” Ethan replied, looking at Matt. “Are you feeling better?”
Matt looked at his Dad before looking back at Ethan, nodding. “Yeah, a lot better. I heard you have a game today.”
“Yeah, I’m excited.” He smiled, bouncing on the balls of his feet. “We’re still undefeated and so are they, but I think we’ll win.”
“Well I can’t wait to see you play,” Matt smiled, holding out a fist.
“You’re coming?!” He asked, eyes wide.
“Only if you want me to,” Matt laughed, shrugging.
“Uh, duh!” He hugged Matt again and he was caught just as off guard as he had been before...but he didn’t mind. He loved it.
“Alright come on, we’ve got a pre-game sandwich to make.” Matt’s Dad laughed, walking towards the driveway.
“Uh, you guys go ahead,” Matt looked down the street to see that Caroline was walking back towards her front door. “I’m gonna go talk to Care for a second.”
“Be careful, she’s grouchy,” Ethan said, scrunching his nose.
“Why? What did you do?” Matt’s dad asked, looking down at him.
“I didn’t do anything.” He replied, shaking his head.
Matt raised an eyebrow, crossing his arms. “Really?”
Ethan chewed on the inside of his cheek before pursing his lips and sighing. “Fine. I got in trouble in school yesterday. Mrs. Rumer called and told her I was talking during reading time.” He looked between the two of them, shaking his head. “But I was only trying to tell Melody about what happened in my book!”
“Melody, huh?” Matt smiled as his Dad laughed and Ethan ducked his head.
“Papa Walt, he’s being mean to me,” he pouted, pointing at Matt.
“He’s just teasing, Ethan. He used to do it to Brady all the time.” His dad laughed, patting his shoulder.
“Besides that, it sounds like you really are a blabbermouth and you say I talk too much.” Matt laughed.
“You talk more than—“
Matt watched as his Dad placed a hand over Ethan’s mouth, Ethan still trying to talk though it only came out in mumbles. “All right, relax we’re going to eat now.”
“As long as Matt doesn’t cut the sandwich,” Ethan said, squinting at him. “He tried to ruin my ritual.”
“One time!” Matt replied, waving him off as he started to walk down to Caroline’s. “It was one time and you didn’t tell me.”
“Yeah, well now you know!” Ethan called out. “And the next time you do it, I’ll know it was on purpose!”
Matt just laughed as he watched his Dad usher Ethan up the driveway and towards the front door. He took Ethan’s warning into consideration but knew that if Caroline was grouchy or upset, it probably had very little to do with Ethan talking during reading time in class. He was stuck between wanting to get to her house as quick as he could and taking his time, going over in his head all of the things he wanted to and needed to say. Their last conversation didn’t really play out all that well, so how could he be any sure that she would even feel comfortable letting him get a single word in?
When she reached her front porch, he took a calming breath and rang the doorbell. It only took a few seconds before the door opened and Caroline stood in front of him, a knowing look on her face as if she had been expecting him. “Hi.” She said softly, stepping to the side. “Do you want to come in?”
“Yeah, thanks,” Matt replied, walking in through the doorway and standing off to the side as she closed the door. “Listen, Care I–”
“I’m sorry,” she said, shaking her head. “A-and I know that sorry isn’t good enough and that things kind of...got crazy on Thanksgiving. It’s all my fault and I’ll take full responsibility for that, but please don’t go back to Calgary and don’t shut everyone out and Ethan...please. You can hate me all you want...just, don’t take it out on them.”
“I could never hate you, Care,” he said, his eyebrows furrowed as he shook his head. “I mean, I’m upset, yeah...but I could never hate you. You were it for me...you’re my best friend.”
He watched as she let out a shuddered breath she must’ve been holding as she nodded, sniffling slightly as he held back tears. “God, I’m a mess I’m sorry.”
“It’s fine, really.” He said, stepping towards her and resting his hands on his arms, nodding at her. “I just...I needed some time to think. I was never going back to Calgary, I...I couldn’t leave after...everything.”
“So you’re staying?” She asked, hugging her arms against her chest. “I-I mean...until you’re done with physical therapy?”
He nodded, letting his hands brush against the sleeves of her sweatshirt before they dropped back to his sides. “Yeah, until I’m cleared to play, I’m staying.”
“Ethan will be glad to hear that,” she smiled sadly, nodding. “He...he was pretty upset after Thanksgiving and I just...after talking to you it dawned on me that I’ve fucked up so bad Matt. With you and with him…”
“He needs to know, Care,” Matt said, resting his hands in the pockets of his gym shorts. “It’s hard to look at him and know that he doesn’t know…”
“He goes on winter break the week after his birthday, so he won’t have school. Would you come over and we could sit down and talk to him?” She asked, looking scared like Matt might turn her down.
“Sure, whatever you want.” Matt nodded. “Though, do you think we should do it more into January? ‘Cause of Christmas and all? I don’t really want to ruin Christmas…”
“Okay, January.” She smiled, letting her arms drop from around her. “He has a game today, would you like to go?”
“I am,” he nodded his head towards the door. “And I also got chirped about me trying to ruin his pre-game ritual on purpose.”
She laughed, exhaling deeply. “Yeah, he’s pretty serious about his pb&j’s. But he’s just like you were with your gross undershirt. Anytime you had to replace it, it had to be cut exactly two inches away from the collar and then ripped around until it looked all raggy.”
“Hey, it's worked for me so far, so I’m sticking to it.” Matt laughed, rolling his eyes, looking towards the door. “We should probably go meet them back at the house...unless you’re driving?”
“Actually, Ethan and I ride with your parents,” she laughed, grabbing her purse from the dining room table. “Sometimes we go for dinner afterward if the game starts and ends at a decent time.”
He opened the door and walked out onto the front porch with her following behind them, waiting as she locked the door behind her before the two of them walked down the front steps and down the driveway, making their way back to Matt’s parent's home. It was silent between them as he kicked away a small rock off of the sidewalk and into the street. It wasn’t awkward though, they never had an awkward moment of silence– it was always comfortable like it was now...but still, it’s been so long since the two of them had seen each other, the last thing he wanted to do was walk in silence.
When they reached the Tkachuks’ driveway, he saw his window closing to talk and ask the question he was dying to know. So before she could walk up the driveway and to the front door, he grabbed her hand, stopping her. “His middle name is Matthew,” he said as she turned to look at him. “You gave him my name…”
She looked shocked to see that he knew that information, but then she nodded and smiled softly. “Matthew Jr...remember?”
“Yeah, I remember,” he nodded, rocking back on his heels. “He never mentioned it…”
“Did you ask him for his full name?” She laughed, raising an eyebrow.
“Well...no, I guess not.” He replied, rubbing the back of his neck. “My Mom...she gave me the baby book and photo albums you made for me. That was really...thank you.”
She nodded, the guilty look returning on her face. “It was really the least I could do, Matt...considering everything.”
“Yeah, but all of those copies? That’s...that was just really kind of you. Especially the baby book. I don’t know how you made a good copy of your hospital bracelet and stuff.”
“It’s not a copy,” she replied, shaking her head. “You got the original...you got all of the originals. Our parents and mine are the copies.”
He stopped and blinked at her. “You gave me the original? But...why?”
“Because you’re his Dad, Matt. And you missed so much in that first year...I just wanted you to have something when the time came.” She spoke softly, crossing her arms as she looked at him. “Did you find the flash drive?”
He nodded, taking his hands out of his pockets as he crossed his arms. “His first word was Daddy, Care. How did he know who I was?”
“That was our nightly routine up until he turned two, Matt,” she said, looking at him. “Ever since he was born...I’ve always pointed you out in pictures and told him who you were.”
“But...why? I-I mean, I don’t get it,” Matt said, letting his arms drop by his sides as he shook his head. “He doesn’t remember obviously because he told me he’s never met his Dad...but you told him back then and then kept it hush. Why, Care?”
“Because I planned on telling you when you were home for those few days around Christmas and I wanted him to be able to recognize you,” she replied, holding her arms tighter against herself. “I came over and I had him with me and I was just...so nervous, but your Mom answered the door and said you were Christmas shopping with Taryn...and I went back home. That was the closest I came to telling you and it just...it didn’t work out.”
He looked at her and could see the guilt over their last conversation and her decision from all those years ago was taking its toll on her since he last saw her. She looked stressed and tired, her hair was tied up into a quick bun and she was dressed in leggings and a Boston U sweatshirt that Brady probably got for her. He was still mad and upset, and he knew that it would be a while before he really got over it at all...but he kept hearing Gio’s words in his head: “Every second that you spend wasting away in your room throwing yourself a pity party, is a second that you’re letting pass by to being able to spend time with Ethan and get to know him more.”
And Gio was right. He could internalize those feelings and let them waste him away, but that wouldn’t be helping anything. He sat with them, he heard them out– and sure, he still felt those same feelings he did from the moment he found out about what they’d all done...but that was perfectly okay. But what wasn’t okay, was to shut them out and let it eat away at him while he let more time pass by. Time, which right now was rare on his usual schedule, that he could be using to hear the memories his family and the Marsh’s made with Ethan. To get to know Ethan better and spend more time with him. Where he could pick up right where he left off with Caroline and spend as much time as he had back home with her and Ethan.
But he couldn’t do any of that if he was distancing himself away from all of them.
He stepped forward and wrapped his arms around her neck, hugging her carefully as if he was waiting for her to push him away at any moment. Instead, he felt her arms move away from where they were pressed into his stomach and wrapped them around his waist, hugging him back. For a moment, he felt like they were those kids again, hugging goodbye for the last time in the St. Louis airport and part of him didn’t want to let go now, scared that like back then– things would change and go wrong.
“I want to get to know him, Care,” he mumbled, turning and resting his left cheek on top of her head. “Please, let me get to know him. I want to know my son.”
“Yes,” Caroline nodded as she sniffled softly, resting her head against his chest. “Whatever you want to do, Matt, we’ll do it.”
The two of them pulled away and laughed, taking in the other’s tear-stained face. “God, is this what happens when you become a parent? Do you cry all of the time?”
“Pretty much,” she laughed, taking a deep breath and exhaling.
He reached up and wiped the tears off of her cheeks with his thumbs before they heard the door open. They both looked towards it to see Ethan running down the steps, Matt’s parents drifting behind him. “Hurry up, people! We’ve got a game to go to!”
“Ethan, patience,” she laughed, Ethan, coming to a stop in front of them. “What’s in your hand?”
“Mimi said to give this to Matt since he’s,” his face scrunched up as he turned around. “What did you say about Matt, Mimi? That the cold will shrink his brain?”
“If he goes just wearing those shorts and a t-shirt he will,”  his Mom laughed, coming up to join them as his Dad pulled the car out of the garage and came up beside them.
“Yeah, what Mimi said,” Ethan said, shoving the sweatshirt at Matt. “Don’t want a brain freeze.”
“At least I can sit in a normal seat,” Matt teased, opening the back passenger side door and letting Caroline climb in and move all the way over to the left side of the van as his Mom got into the front passenger seat.
“Once I grow seven more inches, I can!” He replied, climbing into the car and sitting down onto his booster seat that was resting in the middle backseat. “Right, Momma? Tell Matt once I get taller I don’t have to use my booster seat anymore.”
“Don’t let him bother you, sweetie,” she replied, watching him as he reached to buckle up his seatbelt and made sure that he was secure before leaning into him and smiling at Matt. “He had to use a booster seat until he was 10.”
Ethan turned to Matt with a big smile as Matt got into the car and closed the door behind him. “Ha! You were short too, so now you can’t tease me about it because you were 10.”
“Yeah, well your Mom had to use one too, don’t let her fool you,” Matt replied, buckling up as his Dad started to back out of the driveway.
“Children, are we done bickering, or should I sit in the driveway?” His Dad asked, looking at them in the backseat.
“We’re done, I promise,” Ethan said, nodding his head. “We can’t be late, Papa Walt. I’ll have to do laps.”
“Don’t worry Ethan, that was directed towards your–” Matt’s Dad paused on the word ‘parents’ and he smiled, looking at him through the rearview mirror. “Your Mother and Matthew. 26 years old and you two still chirp like you’re 12, step up your game.”
The three of them laughed as they continued to pull out of the driveway and down the street. “Papa Walt?”
“Yes, Ethan?”
“Can I request a song, please?” He asked, resting back against the backrest.
“Sure, what would you like to listen to?” Matt’s Mom asked, turning to look at him.
Ethan turned to Matt, a smile on his face. “Do you want to listen to a certain song?”
“Um...I don’t know, how about Another One Bites the Dust? That’s a good pre-game song,” Matt replied, nodding. “We listen to it from time to time on our warm-up playlist.”
Ethan nodded, looking back to Matt’s Dad. “Papa Walt, don’t play that. Can you play Don’t Stop Believin’ instead.”
Matt’s jaw dropped as his parents and Caroline laughed. “Sure thing, buddy.”
Ethan turned back to Matt, a one dimpled smirk on his face. “We can play your song afterward...but mine is better, sorry.”
Before Matt could reply, he felt his phone vibrate and he looked down to see a text from Caroline.
Care Marsh 🐻: Forgot to tell you...he’s just as sassy as you.
Matt: I’m not sassy 🙄
Care Marsh 🐻: Says the guy who picked on an almost 8-year-old for his booster seat.
Matt: I called him short, there’s a difference.
Care Marsh 🐻: Says the shorter Tkachuk brother 🙂
Matt laughed and Ethan looked at him in curiosity. “Why are you laughing?”
“I was looking at your seat, sorry,” Matt said, sending a look to Caroline who gave him a knowing smile.
“I’m going to grow taller, I swear!” Ethan whined, leaning his head back as he crossed his arms and then looked at Caroline. “Right, Momma?”
“Right, sweetie.” She replied, sending Matt a ‘stop picking on him’ look.
“How tall are you, Matt?” Ethan asked, looking over at him.
“6’2”.’
Ethan got a cocky smirk on his face that gave Matt chills up his arms and spine because he knew that smirk– it was his smirk. “Well, I’m going to be 6’3” so you’ll be shorter than me.” He crossed his arms and shrugged, his smirk still on his face. “Watch.”
“Okay, Ethan,” Matt laughed, sending Caroline a small shrug as he smiled back at Ethan and his phone vibrated to show another message from Caroline.
Care Marsh 🐻: Well...Brady is 6’4” and he is half-Tkachuk...so who knows, he could end up being taller than his Dad 🤔
Matt: 😑
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taglist [if striked through, it won’t let me tag you 🥺] :
@hockeybabe87 @nolanscheeks @hey-there9-its-me @besthockeyfics​ @hockeyshmockey @sidscrosbyy @hockeystop @hannabritta @robschwartzman @ipuckwithwriting @tkachuk-yeah @luvsherleafs @heyheyheyhayes @oilers2997 @cutiesara23 @glassdanse @annedub @notaccurateornice @art-m-anic @corrinereads @reavenedges-lies @lwstuff​ @whatishockey​ @mydarkestsecretlol​ @dorotheathe1 @barzyspov​ @dutch-tv-fan​ @dude-44 @wastedheartcth​ @sorryjustafangirl @turnoutthecitylights​ @teenagekook​ @precioustk​ @lorrmorr​ @linkingdolans​ @starswin​ @himbos-on-ice​ @shawnsreputation @heatherawoowoo​ @usmileismile @hockey-and-wine​ @brehonodea​ @ggggmoneyyyy​ @majdoline​ @hiimjaredim19 @aesterins @adelaidestreets​ @idkalexaaw​ @u-4-ia​ @jennielynnie @miss-cap21 @itrocksmysocks @spencereidbasis @b34ut1fulb4st4rds​ @withthelightoff @dreamer1430​ @predshockeyfan @joelsfarabee​​
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softtransbf · 3 years
Text
Mister Nice Guy, part 2
part one
Summary: Shit hits the fan, and the rest of the BAU is done with it.
Word Count: 3523
Reader: he/him trans man, no physical description
Warnings: case involving targeting gay people, brief mention of a child abduction case, coming out/anxiety of experiencing transphobia (no actual transphobia though), alcohol, swearing
@aleccolocco (sorry it took so long to finish lol)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"No, that doesn't make any sense at all, doctor!" you spat his title. "He's not jealous of these couples, killing what he can't have, or a homophobe, punishing gay people for being happy. He's putting an end to their unhappy relationships. He sees it as mercy." Over the months, your cold war with Reid turned into outright conflict, and tonight, alone in the police station in Oregon, was no exception. Hotchner had tasked the two of you with presenting the preliminary profile the next morning, and it was going as well as conversations ever went.
"We have no evidence that he knows they're unhappy, though. All of his victims are clearly happy in their relationships," Reid challenged.
You rolled your eyes and scoffed. "Please. One look at their social media and it's obvious that the relationships are on the rocks."
"Where do you get that? All I see are typical happy relationships. Selfies, checking into special events together, posts about kind things one does for the other. Nothing indicating a troubled relationship to me."
"The gentlemen doth protest too much. They're painting an overly happy painting on social media, hoping that some of that happiness will actually become real. They're desperate for the relationship to work."
"Let's say you're right. I don't think you are, but let's pretend for the sake of trying to see your logic through. Why? Why would they be so desperate to save a failing relationship?"
"God, straight men just don't fucking get it!" You went to grab a file, missing his small flinch. "You don't understand how limited the dating pool for men who are into men is. Look at the most recent couple in particular. The most lovey-dovey on social media, and got the most brutal deaths."
"Yes, because they were the happiest. My theory holds," Reid interrupted.
"No. Look, this guy put way more out there on social media than his partner, and look at the pictures he posted. Look how forced his smile is, look at the body language. He needs this relationship to work, because dating as a gay man is one thing, dating as a gay trans man is almost impossible. Having to start over and deal with transphobia over and over again is worse than being in a bad relationship. In his eyes, I mean." Shit, the first person I come out to on this team cannot be Spencer fucking Reid. He doesn't deserve the honor.
"That was yesterday. We haven't gotten the autopsy report yet. How could you possibly know that he's trans?"
"Testosterone vials and needles in the bathroom. Neither of them are old enough for a cis man to reasonably have issues that require testosterone injections. It's HRT, hormone replacement therapy."
"Even if you're right, your conclusion still seems like a much bigger jump than mine, that the killer sees the relationships as happy and is lashing out at that, be it from jealousy or homophobia."
"Whatever. You'll see tomorrow, when we talk to the M.E., that he was trans, and that fact backs me up. I am absolutely right about this, and you will eat your words. Then I will present my theory, and you can choke on yours."
"We? You anticipate us spending more time together?" He raised an eyebrow.
"I meant 'we' as in the team, asshat. The world doesn't revolve around you. Mine sure as hell doesn't. I'm gonna go back to the hotel, write my own damn preliminary profile, and try to get some fucking sleep. Clearly we won't agree on this."
"We don't ever agree on anything," he pointed out.
"Not true. We agree that we dislike each other and can't get along. Good night, doctor." You turned and walked away, not giving him a chance to respond.
This man is going to be the death of me, he thought as he watched you walk away.
~
The autopsy report came in the next day, and you were right. The tech team also found a locked notes app on his phone that catalogued his unhappiness and fear of leaving. You presented your preliminary profile to the team. Reid didn't even argue; he just sat in silence, leaving the room as soon as you were finished. Never one to pass up a chance to gloat for beating him, you offered to get coffee for the team, got everyone's order, and left shortly behind him.
You were expecting to catch up to him, his impossibly long legs be damned. You weren't expecting him to be waiting for you. He pulled you into an empty interrogation room and pushed you up against a wall, his face just inches from yours. It was only a moment before being flustered by the closeness and those goddamn eyes were replaced by anger.
"What the FUCK, Reid?"
"What game are you playing, Y/N? What game are we playing? What's your endgame?" He spoke quickly and softly, but there was an intensity in his voice that had you captivated.
"I'm the one playing games?" You pushed him back, away from you. "You're the one who decided to hate me before we even met. When I transferred, all I wanted was to do a good job and fit in with the team. But quite literally from the minute I walked through the door, you'd decided you hate me. Turnabout is just fair play, gorgeous." Oh, fuck.
"Gorgeous?" You walked past him to the other side of the room, running a hand through your hair and turning your back on him. "Fine. Yeah, okay? I wanted approval from the brilliant and handsome Doctor Spencer Reid. In a way that's respectful of your heterosexuality, of course." You turned around and faced him again. "But that doesn't matter, because you made it clear you wanted nothing to do with me right off the bat."
"What makes you think I'm straight?" He's fucking with me, now that that cat is out of the bag. Great. Fucking cishet men. Even he's no different. Thank god he still thinks I'm cis.
"Garcia mentioned in her newbie-run-down that you're 'awkward, but in a cute way, especially around women'. Plus, she mentioned that Emily is bi, leaving everyone else implied straight as even the best cishet allies are wont to do. And as we both know, Penelope knows everything.
And before you make the hearsay argument I can see forming in that brilliant head of yours, I've heard and seen too much about your impeccable memory to assume you don't remember when we all went to the bar after my first case. I was unabashedly Queer, friendly flirting with Derek and calling out cishet bullshit. When I did the latter, you literally rolled your eyes and walked away. Which is, funnily enough, some cishet bullshit. 
JJ said you were just going through a thing and things would get better, but they just got worse. I'm not going to ask you to spill whatever was going on, because it's not my business, but god damn, dude. Why did you hate me so much so quickly?"
"You asked JJ about me?" He took a few steps towards you, a small smile on his face.
"That's the part you focused on? Jesus fucking Christ. Yes, I asked her about why you decided to hate me before we even met. Whatever. I hope you got whatever you were looking for by pulling me in here. I'm done. Done with this conversation, done with whatever has been going on with you and us since the day I transferred." You turned to leave, but he grabbed your arm. It was barely more than a light touch, but you let it stop you.
"Y/N. I can't-" he sighed. "God, you make my head spin. I can't organize my thoughts enough to say what I want to. JJ was right, there was something I had to work through, and I guess you'd made up your mind about me before I figured it out. It isn't an excuse for how I treated you, just an explanation. As for the more recent development of arguments… I guess I read a subtext that wasn't there. I could never dislike you, let alone hate you. I am truly sorry for- for all of it." With three long strides, he was out the door.
Make his head spin? What subtext? Since when is he unable to say what's on his mind? And what was that about not disliking me? All we've done since we met is argue or ignore each other. Why else would he act like that? Why do I even care? Why am I so knotted up about what he's thinking and feeling? Whatever. Fuck him, and not in the fun way. I've gotta go get coffee for the team. As you were getting the coffee, you couldn't get the memory of his face, so close to yours, to stop playing in your head.
The rest of the case was mostly as normal, but there was an energy between you and Spencer that was distant like when you joined the team, but there was something else to it that you couldn't quite put your finger on. It made you a little bit sad, though, for reasons you didn't understand.
~
"I love you, Y/N. I love you so much. I pulled away from you because it terrified me how much I loved you from the moment you walked through the door that first day. Being around you, even when we were arguing, made me feel alive in a way I never had before. You're all I think about, you're all I could ever want. I love you."
"I… I love you too." You didn't know which one of you moved, maybe you both did, but in an instant, you were kissing Spencer Reid, and you couldn't have been happier.
-
You woke up with a start, breathing heavily. You looked around; you were in your room, home alone, and it was 3:37 am. What the hell was that?
Four hours later, you trudged through the door of the BAU office, venti red-eye in hand. You made it about ten steps before Derek had his arm around your shoulders.
"Whoa there, hot stuff. Rough night?" You tried to shake him off, but he wouldn't budge, so you just kept walking, making him go with you towards your desk.
"So not your business, Derek. You being open with your personal life doesn't mean we all have to be open like that with ours."
"Personal life, huh? So who is he? More importantly, how was he, and should we expect more mornings like this in the future?" You rolled your eyes and playfully shoved him away. You'd reached your desk, so you sat on top of it, facing him. As you did, you made eye contact with Spencer, who was well within earshot. His face was unreadable, and you weren't sure why him hearing Morgan tease you like that upset you. It never had before.
"No, Derek. There's no one. Just some nightmares. Nothing major; I'll be fine by tomorrow." You got off your desk, sat in your chair, and logged into your laptop. Derek whistled and walked away without another word, shaking his head.
You tried to focus on the paperwork you needed to get done, but you couldn't stop thinking about that dream. The feeling of his lips on yours… it felt so real.
This is ridiculous. Love? We don't even like each other. Well… there was the stuff he was saying yesterday- 'I could never dislike you, let alone hate you', and some sort of subtext? But not disliking someone is a far cry from love. Plus, he's straight, so this is all absurd. And even if he DID have feelings for me, I sure as hell don't return them. I mean, maybe he's not as awful as I've thought, especially if he wasn't coming from a place of dislike. And he really is very pretty. Those eyes… Wait, what the fuck? This is all fucking ridiculous. I just need to get a full night's sleep tomorrow, and all this weirdness will be gone.
You took a giant gulp of your coffee, shook your head, and ran your fingers through your hair. Fortunately, Hotchner called a team meeting, forcing your attention to other things.
While no case could ever be described as 'normal', this case was pretty cut and dry, once you figured out what you were looking for. No dramatic twist, no tense showdown at his arrest. There weren't many cases like that, but you were very glad that this one was. You never sleep well when on a case, and no matter what you did, you couldn't shake that dream, the butterflies it left in your stomach every time you looked at him, and the strange disappointment when, unlike before that moment in Oregon, he wasn't looking at you.
Two more weeks passed. The energy between you and Spencer, whatever force it was that had drawn you together to argue again and again, was gone. You were polite to each other, and cooperated as necessary, but didn't do more than the bare minimum when it came to interacting with each other. Your interactions were cold and low-spirited. So you were so glad for a fun night out with Penelope, Emily, and JJ.
"So, Y/N, things seem… different… between you and Spencer these days. Did something happen?" Emily's tone made it clear that the three of them had intended to bring this up long before the plan to get drinks was even made. "I appreciate y'all waiting until I had a couple of drinks in me at least before going here. I guess we just got tired of fighting? I don't know. I can't figure out what's going on in that brilliant head of his. I thought I at least knew where I stood with him, even though it was purely adversarial, but I think I was wrong. But then that leaves me with no idea what he thinks of me or why I care so damn much."
"Really? No idea at all?" JJ asked. "I remember walking by a closed door in the police station in Oregon and hearing the word 'gorgeous' being thrown around." "Oh my god. You heard that?" You buried your face in your hands, and they all laughed.
"Yeah, I did, but only that one word. I'd figured you were on the phone with someone, but then you and Spence both started acting sad. I wasn't sure, of course, that you were talking to him until just now."
"Fuck. Okay, yeah. I think he's pretty. But I'm absolutely not alone in that. Derek calls him Pretty Boy, for goodness' sake. Appreciating someone's beauty doesn't have to mean anything more."
"Y/N, really? After everything we've been through together, you're gonna lie to us like this? Whatever happened, you've both been miserable since, and it's throwing the whole team off balance."
"What do you want me to say, Penelope? That I'm in love with him? He's pretentious and a know-it-all and a nerd and funny and kind and gorgeous and oh my God. I think I'm in love with him." The three women clapped and cheered.
"Finally, you get there! Took you long enough." Emily winked. "So, what's the plan now?"
"Keep this shit between us until my feelings go away. Even if he wasn't straight, I wouldn't risk fucking things up by telling him how I felt. As it is, I stand no chance in hell, so I'm just gonna write this one off as another straight guy I've fallen for and try to move on."
"Y/N, if you tell him-" Penelope started.
"No. You, more than anyone, know why I can't even entertain the idea of trying to be with him. I can't set myself up for that kind of pain. Not here, not where things are so good." You looked at all three of them. "I know that your intentions were good, but I just can't do this. I'm sorry." You grabbed your coat and left.
Your interactions with Spencer changed yet again. Now that you knew you loved him, you couldn't help yourself from being warmer towards him. As the weeks passed, you got closer. After three weeks, you considered him to be a good friend, not that that made things any less painful. You were just hoping that Penelope, Emily, and JJ were going to respect your wishes and drop the subject of your feelings for him.
[From: Penelope]: round table room ASAP
Shit. The last time you'd gotten that text from Penelope, the team left on a serial child abduction case 30 minutes later. So, despite it being your day off, you ran out the door and were there with your go bag in 15 minutes.
But no one else was there. No files on the table, nothing to indicate that there was a new case. You pulled out your phone to call Penelope, but then you heard a commotion outside the door- you'd closed it behind you.
"No, Derek, wait, I don't-"
"Can it, Pretty Boy, and thank me later." Derek opened the door, pushed Spencer into the room, winked at you, and shut the door, all in about 3 seconds.
"Spencer. Um, hi. Is the rest of the team not going to join us? Garcia's text seemed pretty urgent." You tucked your phone into your pocket.
"I don't think so, since I just heard Morgan barricade the door." He tried to open the door and failed.
"Oh my god they're Parent Trapping us. I'm gonna kill them."
Spencer tilted his head, confused. "Parent Trapping?"
"Oh my god have you not seen any of the Parent Trap movies? Were you living under a rock in 1998?" "I was seventeen and working on my first doctorate, so pretty much, yeah," he laughed. You couldn't help but laugh, too, as you firmly ignored how his smile made you absolutely melt.
"Fair enough. The '61 one is good too, but the '98 Lindsay Lohan one is Iconic for good reason. Anyway. The point is, they've locked us in here and won't let us out until we have a conversation."
"Just a conversation? Or do they want us to talk about something in particular?" He took a seat at the table.
"I- yeah, they have a particular topic in mind. I'm so sorry. This is my fault. I was tipsy and said things I should have just kept to myself. I thought they'd respected my wishes and left well enough alone, but clearly they didn't. And they won't let us out of here until I tell you-" you hesitated.
"Tell me what?" He leaned forward, and part of you swore you saw hope in his beautiful brown eyes. You looked at the floor, avoiding them.
"Tell you that I… have feelings for you. Romantic, cheesy, butterflies-in-my-stomach feelings. I don't know why they want me to tell you this. We've just gotten to a good place as friends, and you're straight, and-"
Somehow you missed the sound of him getting up and taking the few steps over to you, because you practically jumped out of your skin when his hands were suddenly on your shoulders.
"Y/N. Please, darling, look at me?" Bewildered by the endearment, you did, and his smile was blinding. "I'm not straight. I'm bi, and I think part of me has been in love with you since your first day at the BAU. The thing JJ said I was working through? The potential problems of having feelings for a coworker. For you. As soon as you walked through that door", he pointed and then took both your hands in his, "I loved you. The night at the bar? I was rolling my eyes at myself for how much I wanted to kiss you, and I walked away to stop myself from doing something reckless. I love you, Y/N. Can I do something reckless?"
"I'm trans," you blurted. "I hope that doesn't change anything, but it's something you should know. If knowing that I'm trans changes things, now is the time for you to say something. If it's a problem and it blows up later, it might actually kill me. Because I love you, too. So much. If it doesn't change anything, then please, Spencer, kiss me."
The words were barely out of your mouth before his lips were on yours. You weren't sure how long you were kissing before you were interrupted by cheers from the other side of the door. "Shit, Spencer, they're going to be the worst about this, aren't they?" You were a bit embarrassed by how breathy your voice was, but you were too happy to really care.
"Oh yeah. We're not going to get a moment that's just us in this building ever again. Do you want to get it over with and face them, or would you prefer we stay in this moment a bit longer?"
"What do you think, doctor?" you asked, pulling him in for another kiss.
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gallickingun · 3 years
Text
ding, dong, the witch is dead!
honestly, who didn’t see this coming? lol. but, anyway. i guess this is goodbye! i’ll ramble more below the cut, but just know that over the next couple of days, i’ll be exporting my blog so i can keep what i want, and then this will be the only post left here.
thank you to everyone who i’ve had the privilege of meeting, and those of you who have been so kind as to leave lovely notes on my works, and interact with me over our silly anime crushes. i really appreciate all the kindness i’ve been shown in the anime fandom. some of my best friends i’ve met through this stupid app, but overall, it’s just not a healthy space for me. i’m not blaming anyone else for what this has become, at the end of the day, i created a hell for myself. i’m just tired of trying to rebuild, rebrand, whatever. i’m just tired.
that being said, obviously not everything can always be so lovely. i don’t care about the discourse or the drama or the whatever, but i’m just hoping this post will bring me some closure, and maybe some for those i’ve hurt, whether accidentally or intentionally. if you click read more and you’re upset with what you see, well, idk what to tell you, friend.
i hate that tumblr can be so insignificant, and yet so all encompassing all at once. yes, it’s “just tumblr” and “it’s not that deep” because at the end of the day, it’s just an app. but, unfortunately, behind this app and these blogs are human beings. which means you create real bonds and real friendships, and real feelings get hurt.
i came back to tumblr during a really sad, dark time in my life. and that was honestly my first mistake. i latched on to whoever would pay attention to me, craving some sort of friendship that i never needed before because i always had someone in real life. but i had just moved away from my family, and was starting the process of what would end up being a notsogreat divorce. i felt alone, and was struggling a lot with my self worth, so instead of choosing to be kind, i chose to lash out. regardless of whether or not that was in private dm’s of those whom, at the time, i’d considered friends, it was still inconsiderate and childish of me. i thought i had to be some hateful version of myself in order to prove to other people that i wasn’t as sad about myself as i truly was. the words i said in private were rude, nasty, and just... not who i want to be? and, without going into immense detail, some of those things i wanted to move on from and no longer felt, were then used as weapons and spread around to others who i never intended to see what i’d said.
please, please, PLEASE — be careful what you say. you really never know who is watching, who is going to manipulate you, etc. what you say holds weight, and even if you don’t intend for it to hurt anyone, even if it’s just venting.. i dunno. just, be careful, okay? check yourself from time to time, friend. make sure that you’re not allowing the overall negativity of the world, of your own mind, of others, to affect you to the point that you don’t recognize yourself.
if you don’t know about my lovely little exposed blog, well, you’d probably be the last to know. at least, it feels that way. although in the beginning maybe it was justified? in some right? i’m not sure anymore, really, but regardless—it turned into some sort of stalking experience. at one point in time, i received 35+ messages telling me how horrible i was, telling me to off myself, telling me that my ex did the right thing by leaving me “on the curb”, etc. my full legal name was being released, with the intent to doxx me i’m assuming? i was being told i was “being watched”, which i fully believe was happening, with the consistency of the updates. people who claim to hate me, still followed me with the intent of watching my every move to “see if i’d changed”. i only have received updates through friends, because to be perfectly honest with you, seeing your worst mistakes splayed on the internet and turning you into some shounen villain is NOT the best thing for your mental health. that, and some of the “truths” were half-honesties twisted because i’d be a hypocrite to post private dm’s debunking these things when i was upset with the very same people for posting such things. i’ve addressed some things, such as the racism, so i won’t go into that again, but some of these other instances are stretches, to say the least.
the irony of the whole thing is not lost on me. the very same people who say i only do things for notes/recognition, are doing those very things. those who say i only care about tumblr, are proving that by running a blog dedicated to exposing some twenty three year old idiot on the internet. those who say i use my friends are the same ones who literally lied to my face so they could collect receipts behind my back and then leave me when it got convenient. those who say i talk to “insignificant” blogs to appear invested are the ones calling those blogs insignificant, i never once believed anyone i’ve interacted with was insignificant, contrary to popular belief. everything they focus on ends up being nothing but hypocrisy in the end.
that being said, obviously i truly hurt whoever all is behind this blog. intentionally, or otherwise. and i know that sometimes what you do/say isn’t meant to hurt anyone, however, you don’t get to control how what you’ve done effects others. all you can do is apologize. but, i know a few of them, because based on the “receipts” they’ve pulled together, the stories are too specific to be anything but those people i’m thinking of. i don’t enjoy blanket apologies, but i’m leaving this hellsite, so it’s all i’ve got left.
i’m sorry for giving you the fuel to your fire for this petty agenda, i’m sorry for creating the monster of myself that allowed you to string along this storyline for what seems to be the better part of a year. i’m sorry that i gave you material to fixate upon, rather than providing you with friendship and something better to focus on. i truly hope you can move on now that i’m gone from tumblr, and honestly i don’t plan on coming back, lol. i genuinely, truly, deeply feel sorry for you, and pray that you can turn this obsessive focus from me to something more productive, something healthier.
the angry part of me wants everyone to realize that the start of this, the matchups/refunds situation, was born from this stalkerish behavior. it has taken me months to put the pieces together, because i truly didn’t think someone who i’d called my friend once would ever string together such a lie, or rather an exaggerated, adulterated truth, but i guess it’s what happened, in the end.
there are a lot of, uh, conveniently timed “releases” of receipts even though they were months after the initial occurrence of the offense. i can’t go into each one, because, frankly, there are too many. i just hope that in the wake of all of these horrible exposes of things i’ve done, others are able to reflect on their actions. telling me one thing while currently speaking to another individual and telling them another, blatantly LYING, etc. are all things that i’ve been accused of, and yet they’ve also been done to me. doesn’t justify what i’ve done, nor am i seeking some sort of absolution, however i just hope that these individuals can see their hypocrisy and move forward.
which leads me to my final point — regardless of how shitty someone is, disallowing them the room to grow, stunting their moral/mental growth, is truly the issue. i am not going to sit here and play holier than thou. i know i fucked up. i was a nasty bitch because i was angry at the world, and then that anger was fueled further by consistent situations where i made the wrong friends at the wrong times in my life. but the fact that this exposed nonsense has been dragging on since... july? august? i’m not really sure, but whatever. since it’s been going on, i have been battling with myself and my ability to do the things i love, talk to those i care about, etc. all because i’m afraid of saying the wrong thing, hurting the wrong person, etc. and in trying to avoid it, i’ve been doing the very same thing i hoped to keep from doing.
i never felt like i could apologize to those i wanted to apologize to because it might be received as disingenuous due to the nature of the exposed blog’s very existence “forcing” me to apologize. don’t get me wrong, some of those who the blog tried to coerce me into apologizing to can suck a dick, because there are people that i truly do not feel deserve my apologies, and therefore, will never get them. but, i do feel bad for those i didn’t get the chance to apologize to that i really wanted to. the last thing i’d want is for my apology to be turned into something it’s not, but hopefully everyone who has been affected by my actions can move on with my absence.
and to those of you who feel the need to make public denounces of my name, i hope it provides you the closure you’ve been seeking. truly, i do. but know that i never did anything i’ve ever done with the intent to get ahead or buy someone’s friendship or take advantage of anyone else. if i truly only cared about the things people say i cared about, i would have never made this blog in the first place. i would have leeched off the popularity of my main blog if popularity was all i cared about. i was searching for a home, which, in the end, i burned down myself. me, joking around about follower count and notes, was literally nothing but sarcastic banter that’s been taken out of context. but, i digress.
i am very thankful for those who i can still call my friends, who are willing and ready to have honest discussions with me about the things i’ve said/done and analyze them and help me move forward. therapy, medication, life choices, etc. all have been rolled into me deciding that i’m done letting a silly little app stunt my growth. if the internet was unplugged tomorrow, i know who i’d have and what would matter. i have REAL LIFE to focus on. i am in love and i have beautiful friendships that i want to foster with honesty and kindness. i can only hope that you all have the opportunity to have those very same things.
will i stop writing? nah, dude. no way. i’m just getting started. in my absence, in choosing to stay away from a place that makes me sick to my stomach with anxiety, i’ve delved into my original characters and i’ve written thousands of words that i haven’t felt the pressure to post about. i’ve learned that just because i’m doing something i love, i don’t have to do it for anyone else.
the internet is a funky place, folks. just be careful who your friends are, okay?
anyway. peace out, girl scouts. i wish you all the best 💖
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