#no i havent been thinking myself to sleep over this
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errm uhh augh how have you guys been long time no see. annotated young morro design be upon ye
without the bg cause you can see the sequins better with the bg but you can also see the words better without the bg
#after prophecy to leaving he would either obsess over being clean even in the middle of training#cause it’s ‘unfitting for the green ninja to look anything other than perfect’ or whatever#and being dirty shows he wasn’t good enough cause someone got a hit on him or something#or he would just either forget or not care about basic needs like showering and sleeping cause he’s too obsessed with the prophecy#cant really decide#after leaving/ghost morro will be out. maybe soon#morro tag is DEAD by the way is anyone still here#i’m one to talk i havent posted anything either#it’s cause i’m back in my 2020 purpled bedwars era#he was my fav long before las nevadas 🤞🤞#and las nevadas purpled is INTERESTING genuinely#i was never one for lore streams but now that i learned how to have patience and how to kill cringe i’ve been watching his#i dont actually really know what the deal is with las nevadas i’m just watching purpleds bits#i’m halfway through but i know what happened but also don’t tell me anything#if anyone here even knows what i’m talking about#i can’t really call myself a dsmp kid cause i started watching before all the stuff started i think even before wilbur joined#and didn’t really watch the lmanberg streams just sorta generally knew what was happening#then completely dropped watching it when they started politics#i watched the content creators INDIVIDUALLY but not the dsmp lore itself#there’s too much it’s too much of a hassle#if anyone calls me cringe you literally cannot talk this is a season 5 lego ninjago character#and also it was covid it’s like a rite of passage to be into mcyt during covid#i know there’s a pipeline from mcyt to kids shows. i know there’s one out there#there’s definitely one from mcyt to musicals what with hamilton and all#ninjago#lego ninjago#morro ninjago#ninjago morro#morro wu#jellos scribbles
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r.une is so awesome! he's the kindest guy ever and I always drop by the thieves guild whenever I'm not doing anything just to hear his pretty voice
#ash rambles 💚#and he's handsome!#steal me away 🐉#ugh it's been so long since i've played s.kyrim#or uh. anything other than c.yberpunk#school keeps me busy and#i also got some wisdom teeth removed today! and two other teeth! it's... not the most comfortable! I'm trying to stay chill about it but#FUCK i miss solid food so much#anyways I'll try my best to get some sleep! I'm trying to downplay it but it's probably not a good idea to like. not rest after all that#so yeah if i havent been as activate as of late it's just a mixture of that + school + me trying to platinum cy.berpunk 2077#i think I'm at about 75% trophy achievement? which isnt bad at all#sorry i was talking about r.une#s.kyrim has ass lighting but. his eyes are actually green! i just think he's sooooo handsome!#I can't really kiss since my face is all swollen but i am mentally kissing him all over! he's just such a sweet guy! i know i ship with a#lot of men that are a little rough around the edges but. not him#he's just a genuinely nice guy#(ignorethat hes part of the thieves guild)#oh speaking of I've started to play o.ctopath 2 again. starting to drag myself out of my gaming slump#it's just... been such a crazy last few weeks. with school and life and my mouth... and the roadtrip in which our tire went kaboom in the#middle of nowhere.. everyone is okay but it's still definitely a moment that made me go 'what the hell is wrong with ash's life' LMAAAOO#gonna save that story for the grandkids! BAHAHAHAHAA#oh speaking of kiddos. i've been developing the kiddo for s.eifer a lot as of late! her name is selena + she wields a gunblade like her pap#and just like how her papa has a thing for s.quall (/hj) she has a thing for s.quall's kid LMAAAOO#ah shit it's almost 3am.. I'm gonna go to sleep! i should rest after today#good night my friends#or. well. good morning. since you know. it's so late ajdkahsjq#I'll get back to the regularly scheduled f/o posting eventually <3#your knight until the end 🤍#also also I've been reading john koenigs the dictionary of obscure sorrows and annotating it like the nerd i am. fucking hell it's so good#apologies to all my friends who keep getting spammed with me analyzing it LMAAAAOO y'all are the best
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🕷️☕️
#im broken#im someone who is meant to be alone and be unliked and unlovable and unwanted#thats my place in the world. im foolish for hoping for more#it just hurts sm that it feels like everyone else has or have had someone#i've never had someone who has chosen me over everyone else#im surrounded by ppl who have been chosen above everyone else#and like i read a romance book abt two ppl in their late 30s who are virgins and meet eo#but both of them have kissed & made out w ppl before.... i havent even done that#like am i gonna be 30 and have my 1st kiss???? be fr who would wanna have sex w someone in their 30s who has no experience#they'd have to teach me and like ppl in their 30s are getting ready to settle down#i cant imagine anyone wanting to kiss me just bc im me either like everyone gets tired of me after a while......#i cant imagine anyone not tiring of me and choosing to be w me#when there'll always be someone else. someone better. hotter. sexier. funnier. smarter#im like actually fkn dumb for thinking that someone could want to be w ME above everyone else#spend their time with me when there are 1m things better than me#there will always be someone else everyone would choose above me#also im broken bc my heart is stupidly loyal. im like a penguin... but normal ppl dont work that way#i cant imagine anyone thinking im special enough to love and want me the way i feel love#so i've always known im meant to be alone#but its so hard watching everyone around me have a partner while i have to be lonely and ache to be that important and loved#im always gonna exist as a lonely island never being 1st priority or the favorite or more special than everyone else#and its making my heart so sad. why am i not worthy of dating or loving or choosing or bein no 1??#and being so unwanted and never chosen or special is making me so dejected and lifeless#friendships arent as big to me anymore bc sure i'll hang out or talk to my friends#but then they go home to their partner. the person that are no 1 in their lives#i can have friends but it only makes me sadder bc it reminds me that theyve all been chosen and i have not#i have cry myself to sleep everyday while they have the joy of bring chosen and important and held#i just dont care anymore... i'll only ever exist as a tiny side roll in ppl's lives#i'll never be a main part or the biggest part to anyone....#i'll always have to be completely alone in everything and watch while ppl around me get to have the comfort of partnership
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it's almost 5am and I'm still fucking awake so everyone can excuse me being emo for a second but im thinking about 2025 when bts are back and how happy and settled they're going to be. older, with enlistment no longer haunting the horizon, nothing to do but make music they want to make and enjoy life how they want to live it, hopefully taking us along for the ride as well and I'm just really looking forward to it is all
#cant sleep and ended up on kpop youtube which i have not been on in a while tbh#and i just miss them is all. and i saw a clip from joon tae jimin and jk's live (which i havent seen) and i had this moment of like oh.#theyre older. they just have this calmness to them that you can feel the difference between even just a couple years ago and no2#which same for myself too such is getting older. but just thinking about how nice 2025 is going to be. i feel like they really only started#to come into themselves over the last 2 years im really excited to see where they go from here#also i need something to look forward to or ill explode before then#bts#ignore me
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maybe now that i have adhd meds i can attempt Language again
#i mean ok i had them before but different ones & they didnt work. but i think what im on now is what i was on in hs & those Did work#(& then i stopped bc i was like well i am not in school anymore i dont need these. & then. i moved out. and oops i do need them actually)#(unfortunately due to the adhd & also my medical records having gone fucking missing somehow(???) it um. took a while)#but ough i must learn words......... i just need to Actually set aside time for it . and like keep a fucking notebook im not making the#mistake i made with french where i start out like oh this is easy :) & then it gets harder but i havent been taking any notes & now idk How#& so i just give up. we are not doing that this time we are taking notes From The Start and figuring out what works .#but...... probably not this month. this month is Busy. maybe august..........#thats actually a little bit of a lie bc i Have already started theres a podcast w some basics that i have on my work mp3 player#buuuut its been a minute & also Because i only listen to it at work im not really able to pick up on everything. so im basically still#kind of starting from scratch lmao.#honestly my biggest complaint w the podcast is that like. while it does have a sheet w the translations it doesnt have Pronunciation & bc i#have auditory processing issues i cant actually figure out How they are saying certain words just by hearing them.... bc i dont know that im#actually hearing them Correctly. fucking cannot identify sounds disorder killing me over here#doesnt help that its a language where pronunciation is Quite Different than english lmao......#i did find a pronunciation cheat sheet online somewhere & i . bookmarked it? downloaded it? sent myself a link on discord? fuck idr#but i also dont know if theres significant differences in dialect between the two. idk what dialect the cheat sheet was even made.. for? in?#whatever ykwim its 6:30am i need to sleep
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GAAHAHHHHH
#venting in the tags#maybe its just past darkness and the Bad Thoughts which i shouldnt listen to are clouding my brain too much#but i feel so fucking weird and inadequate over everything rn#im unable to work on drawings as i usually would have and its kinda plaguing everything which it should like yeah i love drawing but#i cant let just one aspect of me ruin everything. right? the fact that i havent been able to draw as well as i usually can should make me#feel sick to the stomach and unsure about everything i do but it happening and i hate it.#plus i got the ipad id saved up from the comms to buy and its fun and nice and all and maybe i just need more practice with it but i feel#like im not able to draw on it even more? and i spent the whole day trying to get used to it but its just not as good?? and then when i went#back to the no screen wacom i couldnt get a hang of it becuase idek its just not happening#and also the fucking art block wants me dead i swear i want to draw so bad and i have so many ideas but the moment i start anything its just#crumbles down into nothingness and i hate everything i do and gods fuck i want to cry but i can because there are people at home and#usually im a big 'crybaby' when im at home but i dont fucjing wanna be like that anymore like i can handly my shit myself im fine.#i dont need to just fuckinf cry abiut it becuase thats not gonna fox anything but also i feel like crying might just make me feel better#but then id have to hear shit from my family and i know theyre just teasing in a /pos way but i dont wanna fucking deal with that#plus my brother iust talking to him os annoying sometimes like he talks about things so condescendingly and fucking hel dude shut#the fuck up i dont need you telling me that my art is something people can 'just do' and the fact that i was able to get the ipad#'basically for free since i got that money from the little drawings i make' as if they dont fucking mean anything to you like#shut the fucking fuck up dude i worked hard on those and even though i dont like my own shit sometimes i still fucking work hard on those#fuck you you bitch#i think a lot of things are just piling up and i need to sleep#tomorrow will be a new dawn and a fresh start and maybe ill hate myself less#ps. note to anyone reading the tags#im fine i just needed to yell out and express my frustration a bit. some sleep will help surely.
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#ive already expressed what i want to express but i still feel jorrible#i havent felt this badly triggered in months#my skin is crawling' heart wont stop beating' ears are ringing' cant sit still but cant focus on anything#the mental health center isuakly go to already closed for the day#i dont trust myseld to drive anywhere#i know im safe but my body is on fire#i cant stop worrying#theres a part of me that i resent that is afraid that w.soot is gonna try to kill himself#at the same time i feel so sick at all the stuff hes done#all the women coming forward specifically#ive lost faith in someone i really admires#oddly enough im not having flashbacks?#memory loops definitely#i want to sleep but my body literally cannot stop shaking#i have been shaking for hours#i think its literally been 10 hours at this point of non stop shaking#i dont want to admit myself to a psych ward but i think im reaching a point where i might have to go#i havent been there in over a year & i hate it cuz the temperature controls are broken and they wake you up at 5am to make sure youre alive#im safe but i dont want to be alone with this#i dont want to be awake right now#my body wont stop shaking
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horrifying self recognition through the other aside this has been an actually not terrible start to The Family Gathering tbh
#my cousin who i havent really seen in a while came up to me and asked abt my pronouns because i came out to the fam a while ago#and he didnt really remember what id said (which. fair. its a big family w lots of things to remember)#and so he asked what my pronouns were and i told him and he promised that if he ever messed up i needed to make him#do like 5 or 10 pushups lmao#and ngl. its the sweetest thing anyone in this family has ever said to me abt that#everyone else has kinda just. moved on. and either forgotten that im not a girl or purposefully ignoring it.#and idk maybe i should stand up for myself a little more but ive been practically a doormat all my life#and idk. its hard using my voice and establishing boundaries when ive let ppl bulldoze over me for almost 20 years.#sigh. anyway.#im gonna be thinking about that all day tbh it was genuinely so sweet#and i am also being consumed by The Loneliness again <3#just. i want someone to just talk to about all this??? someone who isnt in my family because they all have stakes in it too?????#we're all grieving. i aint special.#i just want to talk to someone about it in person so they can hold my hand while i cry myself to sleep because ngl#thats what it looks like we're doing tonight#im just. tired of feeling alone in this enormous family where it seems like im the only odd man out#and also ykw the Not Having Any Irl Friends loneliness too. thats also pretty significant.#not saying my internet friends arent great i love yall so so so much but it has just been .#a really really long time since ive had a good cry n hug session w someone.#sigh. im tired i need to go to bed#winter speaks#personal
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#other ppl: youll be fine! u r passionate abt what u do#no u dont understand. its not passion. im being consumed. im being devoured whole and alive.#its out of control and its killing me#stop trying to tell me im good. i can assure u its a problem and i want it to fucking stop. whats the point of being successful if u cant#even fucking breathe?#this has been my weekend in purgatory for some reason. but fuck u i got the fucking application 98% done so im gonna read it over tomorrow#when my brain doesnt feel like its gonna explode and thrn send it to the dude and idk see wtf he has to say about it bc im positive i#overwrote it bc im unhinged. whatever tomorrow im gonna spend another 4hr transfering algae#if i can. turns out ive given myself a headache and now i cannot sleep lmao#lol i wrote all that yesterday night. it appears i was having a bad time. and i continue to have a bad time bc my manuscript is 98% ready#for submission but i leave at 7.20 tomorrow morning for my flight and wont be home until 7pm in this time zone at the very least#which means ill have to fucking wait all day to submit i guess unless i use plane wifi or something. fucking idk#i also havent sent the application in yet and i havent bought any Christmas presents bc my brain is splitting into a million pieces#its 10 pm now. will is sleep tonight? who's to say i still have work to do on this fucking manuscript#at least my coauthor thinks itll only get sent back with minor revisions so it must look pretty ok#part of it is just me bitching abt inconsistent methods across papers bc it annoys me but also i dont give a fuck#i will fucking psychically control ppl to read this paper and use its knowledge bc the way they talk abt the topic annoys me so much#which is additionally annoying bc like i said i dont give a fuck#anyway im procrastinating#unrelated#my parents texting me today: yay we r excited to see u 🤗#and im just laying on the floor eminating a demonic aura
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#idk if i burned myself out finally or what this is but im just sad and upset that writing isnt all of a sudden working out for me#like i get it not everything can be a certified banger but ive felt that the last few just. havent been that good in general?#i just miss feeling good about writing stuff. i miss enjoying it. i mean i am but. also i dont think i am. i dont know#im just. afraid. last time i lost my will to write it took almost two years to fully get it back#and now its last for a good few months without much of issues until now#im probably just over dramatic and over thinking it but just. i dont want to lose this. but recently everything ive tried to do feels just#like a chore. and that its not good enough. and that it sucks. and that i suck#i dont wanna feel that. this isnt great. nothings great everything sucks#im just gonna try to sleep. not that its gonna change anything but maybe i'll feel at least a little better. doubt it but yeah#whatever really#night is an absolute mess on main
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... :)
#about to rant so ignore me#but like#okay. i have gotten over my assigned professor being changed. its okay. if she says this is better i trust her decision#and the forgetting to tell me and my new professor not having understood he had to read my stuff now is just an unfortunate accident#it happens. im unlucky like that i should be used to it#but now i still havent gotten even a single 'read' or whatever like they do with all my other classmates#if i go to class tomorrow just to find out no one still hasnt read what i have been working on for the last 5 weeks im#im going to explode#i already feel like shit for not meeting my self imposed goals#and its not like they could forget i have had no revisions BECAUSE I REMINDED THEM AGAIN TO PLEASE CHECK THEM OUT ON THE EMAIL I SENT#im just. so desmotivated#im already having the shittiest fucking weeks. maybe months. trying to get myself to work and do stuff#and this makes me feel like im that forgettable or that im gonna get hit with a 'change EVERYTHING' in the worst last possible moment#im so tired my intentions are good please someone for the love of god remember IM HEREEEEEEE#nothing is enjoyable i have no energy i just want to sleep everyday!!!!!!! i feel like im a burden and a bore to anyone!!!!!!!#im not wanted anywhere!!!!!! im fucking painted in here!!!!!#i have begun to talk about stuff unrelated to what i was originally saying 🙃 but oh well#its too much too many things all at the same time#i just want one fucking time where im not forgotten by literally everyone and made feel like a last fucking choice i want good things!!!!!#and im so tired of coming to terms with me never being anything to anyone just for someone to come and make me think maybe im wrong#just for everything to go to shit again!!!!!!!#i want to scream and take space and say how mad i am no more fucking 'dont worry its okay' 'sorry' no fuck off!!!!!!! SCREAM!!!!!#haunted.txt
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i need to be put down like an old dog fr 😔 now that my teen years are over suddenly i have every problem at once
#got like. 2.5-3 hrs of sleep tn and i wanna die#i havent gotten 8 hours in like. idk a week?#and the only time i actually am able to sleep well i have to get up early for work 💔#and almost every day im nauseous and cant eat so then im hungry to the point of further nausea#im still recovering from my surgery and its complications too#just restarted birth control for my debilitating cramps but not soon enough to stop my cramps this period#and every food is unappealing and makes me feel nauseous to think about eating it except fucking cereal and saltines rn#and ive been up since 6 fuckin am and i just want to go back to sleep :')#and all i can do to make myself feel better is complain but nobodys even around to complain to :( my whole family is out my gf is asleep#and during the day everyone's too busy or sick of my shit since this has been going on for over three weeks now#but ranting abt this on tumblr is actually making me feel better even if nobody sees it or cares#idk man feel like shit need to be given some sort of sleeping pill so i can finally fucking rest
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im trying
#i feel like im always saying that#its harder than you think#even more so when i cant find the words to say or even pinpoint how im feeling#im not fuckng perfect. even when i was it wasnt enough for anyone#how am i supposed to know and express how i feel and what i want when i was never given an option.... how is that my fault....#fuck my stupid baka life#personal#vent post#im fine. i just need therapy but todays solution is sleep cause i have to work tonight i havent slept yet and im exhausted all the time#instead of being angry at me for not saying what i want/how i feel you couldve been gentle and helped me try to communicate#i needed you to say 'hey i understand why you always do this but its ok for you to take up space around me. youre safe to have an opinion'#oh well. its been well over two years. no sense in dwelling on it. its my job to tell myself im safe now. im allowed to take up space#its time for bed now emma. sleep well. i love you 💙
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#what's up guys its been a while since i did one of these venting in the tags of a tumblr post#idk im just really tired#hitting exhaustion levels that i just feel like i don't have time to recover from#i was really excited about doing nanowrimo this year because i have so many ideas but im do tired and busy i dont have the time to write and#im really disappointed#*sigh*#i mean i know its not legally binding or anything but i thought this year i could make the fifty thousand words#but im a week in and havent even broken 5k#i also have too much that im doing just generally#i think im working like 50 hours a week? woof i hadnt added that all up in my head properly yet yeah no wonder im tired#plus my sleep schedule is not playing nice with my work schedule and its a problem#i have to leave the house by 7. i am struggling getting up by 6:30 every day#and then also i don't usually get to bed before 11 because im at work all day and then come home and unwind for a couple hours and then its#time to get ready for bed again so i procrastinate because i dont want to lose the time i have to myself which then fucks me over again for#the morning etc the cycle continues#anyway idk if any of this is coherent its getting late and ive had a long ass day#im tired#goodnight guys
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#do yall ever feel like.... a special kinda love for the mundane and basic things in your life?#i think i just need more time to myself in general like..... trigger warning for folks that read these tags for suicide reference#but ever since my friend left us back in november ive been having A Fucking Time Of It where almost nothing seems to have gone right#and i feel like ive been having to rebuild myself from the ground up#and i know i still have a long way to go but goddamn#ive been stressed and i havent been sleeping#but i want to do more things alone#i want to explore things i want to experience things.... alone#which sounds Bad probably but like#the group chat my friends and i use has been taken over by some frustrating folks that insist on being as mean spirited as possible#and im just so fucking tired man#i dont really know what this late night rambe is but im just tired#im tryna get to a place of contentedness#but it feels like its miles and miles away#and every time i think ive been making progress the last few months it feels like something has come to kick me in the kneecaps#i feel like.... equal parts really fucking low#yet also pretty flat? pretty normal? pretty ok?#im treading water and thats what i got right now#ivve been pushing all of my stressors off to the side for months (along with everything else lets be real)#i think its time to start dealing with them one by one
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#i had the worst fucking nightmare yesterday when i took a nap and i havent slept since 😣#it technically wasnt all bad but it was one of those lucid dream situations and ive been groggy ever since (but cant! fuckigng sleep!)#and then i was studying but i think im getting burnt out bc i cant fucking concentrate bc im so fucking stupid and i#keep getting practice questions wrong and my test is in TWO WEEKS and i know NOTHING even tho ive been studying for so long#i feel so hopeless like i genuinely think im gonna fail and that scares the shit out of me bc what the FUCK am i gonna do then#that shit would be so embarrassing like that will just confirm what i already know that im a dumbass piece of shit loser 😭#like i lowkey broke down a few hours ago bc i genuinely think im just plain fucking stupid! like Not Smart like fucking can barely read#like one question will take me like two minutes bc i have to read that shit two or three times to process whatever the fuck its saying#thats so fucking embarrassing i feel like a fucking failure lmao#and the thing is im trying my best im just dumb as a brick fr#like how tf u study over five hours a day and still on some 56% bullshit 😭#and everyone is saying im gonna pass bc i study so much but!! i get almost half the questions WRONG that is NOT a good sign#no but fr if i fail idk whats gonna happen i dont think i'll get kicked out but i know everyone's gonna be mad at me#and im gonna be in a dark place for a while and i'll have no one to blame but myself#just like the last time i failed at something#ignore me#i just needed to vent
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