#no matter how many times i try to repair our relationship

[nottragic-stilltoothsome]

"Revange, please"

Summary: Although their relationship progressed lightyears past the fling that it started as, Astarion loves to be petty almost as much as he loves his new partner.

Ship: Astarion x Fem!Tav

Category: Short fluff with some (hopefuly funny) banter

Warnings: Mention of past abuse, mention of sex

With the blessing from Dolly Dolly Dolly, they could finaly revert to walking in a relaxed group, with considerable breathing room between them, instead of how they traveled from the Underdark to the Last Light's Inn - like prey animals, almost like sewn together, to make sure no one was left in the cursed darkness.

Astarion and Tav could finaly fall considerably behide.

Tav has silently hoped she would get a moment alone with her lover. She had something she wanted to talk to him about, preferably out of other's earshot. Privacy during their adventure was particularly hard to come by.

"So", she began, trying to sound nonchalantly (or at least unrehearsed). "I was thinking about our conversation from last night, about not sleeping together".

Astarion was careful not to let his face drop.

He was so naive to let himself actually belive her words yesterday. Words, that she was aparently already going back on.

He looked past many, many years of experience and genuinely trusted that she meant what she said. That she cared for more than... that. More than what everyone else always wanted from him. That she cared for him, for the person he was.

He should have known better, he should have predicted this and never made a fool of himself by telling her about all of those pathetic feelings.

He looked back at her. Her eyes hopeful, cheeks slightly flushed, as if she was embarrassed.

It was him who should be embarrassed. He was, in fact. He had to try to salvage the situation, somehow.

"Yes, my love?", he asked, but the pet name felt flat on his toungue now. He got used to meaning it. How could he mean it now? When he knew what she truly wanted, just like everybody else? "Are you getting impatient? One night of waiting was more than enough", he purred.

Tav looked at him like he was crazy.

"That's actually not what I wanted to talk about at all. It's slightly concerning that you would think that". She blinked, banishing the thought, as if making mental note to deal with that later.

Astarion looked at half-drow, expectantly.

He couldnt deny the instant, heartwarming relief that filled him to the brim.

Still, the Vampire remained cautious, unsure of her intentions.

She hesitated.

"It felt lonely, without you, last night. I was wondering, if...", Tav avoided his eyes. "If you wanted to, of course. I wanted to know..."

She could cause others psychic demage by mocking them and talk their enemies to give up without fight, but now of all times, she found herself at loss for words.

Apparently fed up with her own innability to speak, she cleared her throat and blurted out:

"If you would want to come my tent tonight. Not for sex", she clarified.

Astarion raised an eyebrow.

"What for?" He asked.

"For... Affection?"

She finaly met his gaze, in all seriousness, as if asking in a matter-of-fact tone would cause her case to be any less corny.

Tav awaited his answer.

Clearly, she was somewhat afraid he would burst out laughing, demaging her pride beyond repair.

And, of course, Astarion would not disapoint.

His laugh (albeit, unbeknownst to Tav, comming from a place of relief rather than amusement) temporarily alerted the others, which caused her cheeks to burn hotter than Karlach's engine.

"Okay, fine, fuck you, too", she wasnt really mad, but she much preferred to growl at him than to hide her face in her palms, which she saw as her only other avaible reaction.

"No, no!" Astarion rushed to say, with a sinister scheme already forming in his mind. He stopped and faced her. "I will consider it".

Tav raised her eyebrows. Vampire's grin was not a good sign for her.

"If you say please"

Tav chuckled, with a hefty dose of disbelief. She wasn't sure if he was serious.

And couldnt help but smile a little, at his audicity.

Astarion didn't elaborate, standing his ground, so she said:

"Oh, I get it. It's a revange. For the party after we saved the Grove" She made him say please then. "Begging for cuddles is much more humiliating than asking for sex" Tav complained. "The latter you can blame at a kink at least. Or flirting".

"Please, do explain to me more how I'm comming up a winner. And do stall, I'd love an audience" with his chin Astarion gestured at the group ahead, who seemed to develop an interest in the couple and why did they stop.

"Fine", Tav hissed, her entire face burning with shame. She crossed her arms on her chest and looked into his eyes, as she finaly spat out a hateful: "Please".

"I'd be happy to", the Vampire said sweetly after a prolonged pause, when he delighted in the silence left between them after her plead.

"I'm honored" Tav said, sarcasm dripping from each syllable, but she was already dropping her feigned annoyance and letting it turn into a genuine smile.

Astarion looked pretty happy, too, and not only in a sadistic way that took pleasure into seeing her all frustrated.

"Hey, Soldier!" They heard Karlach from up ahead. "You guys comming?"

Astarion and Tav caught up with the rest of the group, making their way to the camp, motivated by their plans for the night.

[tyfinn]

Had a conversation with my mother that turned sideways in a matter of minutes. I feel the need to write what happened. I'm not asking for sympathy or criticism. I just need to get this off my chest.

TW/CW: Walking away from a toxic parent

Mom: "Wow- it's been so long since I've heard from you, I thought you were dead."

Silence.

Me: "I don't know how to respond to that."

Mother: "I'm just saying it would be nice to hear from my children from time to time."

Me: "I'm not dead, and the phones go both ways, Mom."

Mother: "I never know when to call you!"

Me: "I'm home every evening and weekends. I'm not having this conversation with you again."

Silence.

Mother: "Now you're pissed and I won't hear from you in another six months. Have a nice week! Thanks for calling!"

One of my therapists once told me to not engage when a toxic person pushes you. It does work, and they get very mad when you don't engage. Case in point.

To be fair, it has been six months since I've seen her. It is complicated.

Today, however, was different.

Today I believe the fractured relationship with my mother is finally beyond repair this time. It has been deteriorating for a number of years now.

There have been many "breaking points" throughout the years. Four years ago I thought it was done. I spoke to my uncle, and he told me, "she's your mother, she's family, and you need to keep trying." So I did.

I've been trying for years. I was forced to grow up and be the adult in our relationship since I was seven.

I got where I am today because I have worked my ass off. I never asked for help, and any success I achieved was viewed as me being better than everyone else.

I'm tired. I'm beyond tired.

I don't want to keep trying anymore.

I don't want to feel obligated to celebrate birthdays, mother's days, and holidays with someone who does not want to know anything about me or what is happening in my life.

For years I have struggled anytime I receive compliments, or when anyone offers me support. But I'm trying to do better. I have a husband, best friend, nieces and nephews, and a found-family who all love me very much.

I found AMAZING support from fellow writers after I started writing. Many of whom I now consider my friends. They know me better than my family, check in on me (and I do them, as well), and make me feel good about who I am. Thank you all for reading my words and encouraging me to continue.

I realize now, that encouragement was lacking while growing up.

My mother was a single mother who struggled with depression and alcoholism. She chose her second husband over her children. I know now she did the best she could back then. Unfortunately, words have been said that cannot be unsaid, time has passed that cannot be given back, and no amount of me forgiving her can make her have an interest in my life.

I've read books on toxic parenting and toxic relationships.

Sometimes you have to walk away from that toxicity in order to keep your mental health in check.

I'm choosing to do that, and I know what the consequences of that may be. I'm choosing to walk away from a family I am not close to.

I need to do what is best for me and my well-being.

I'm okay with that. I've been okay with that for years now.

[psi-spectacular]

Since I saw @kibasniper111 do this for the campers, I wanna do some headcanons I have for the interns! Also they get sadder as you go down, be warned.

Raz

Trans kid who's fully accepted by his parents. Sorry I just really can't see the aquatos being transphobic and genuinely don't think transphobia is super common in the psychonauts universe? He's unlabeled at the moment and uses he/him pronouns.

Nona mixing up Raz's name with his brothers is because her brain had to connect Raz now having a boy name and connecting that to the other brothers so shes just a lil confused but shes got the spirit

He has (currently) undiagnosed autism, mostly because 1. there is no way the aquato family is able to afford a psychologist but 2. Augustus is also autistic and they have similar mannerisms, sensory issues, and stims so most of the family doesnt suspect that Raz is neurodivergent, they just think he takes after his father.

His helmet and googles are very much comfort items, but they also help with sensory issues. While they block out noise and reduce color in the area around him if needed, his helmet also stops him from constantly hearing the thoughts of others, which can easily overwhelm him.

He's mostly able to speak to smaller animals, mainly rodents like mice, rats, and squirrels, since they were the ones that were most common at different areas he would travel too.

He fell into water and almost drowned when he was little and that was the biggest thing that spurred the "hand of galocchio" thing.

Raz spent a lot of time in libraries and bookstores in the many towns he's traveled to in between practice and shows, and that was the way he discovered both his love for psychology and true psychic tales.

Raz is sensory seeking and douses everything he eats in hot sauce and spices. He'll try pretty much anything as long as its free and remotely edible. This extends to touch, he likes rubbing his hands on textured surfaces, especially velvet and fur.

He rubs his gloves on his face, bites, and scratches at them when he's stressed, so they're worn down where he's done it.

He has a plush toy Nona made him when he was a baby that used to be a rabbit but it's been repeatedly bitten, crushed, splattered in mud, and fixed so many times that it barely looks like a specific thing anymore, But he refuses to part with it no matter what.

His relationship with the junior agents goes from "eugh its weird having a kid here, we can't swear anymore." to "hello, this is our emotional support 10 year old, his name is shitfuck, we feed him moss, he's the golden retriver that keeps the cheetahs in our hearts from going insane, we constantly make fun of him and if you do anything to hurt his feelings no one will find your body."

Dona taught him how to forage and cook when he was little.

He enjoys dressing up and acting out roles whenever he can, and is very quick on his feet with his roles. He gets into LARPing later in life.

Raz doesn't have a specific specialty, so he's a bit of a jack of all trades when it comes to powers.

Morris

Another trans dude, Wowza. He's been out for a shorter time than Raz, but he's pretty comfortable with where he is right now. He's also bi! Woo.

He's peruvian, and was orphaned at a very young age before being adopted at around age 5 by his moms. He's currently 16.

He was one of Milla's orphans, but he was very young when the fire happened and he doesn't remember what happened or Milla, but his back did get injured in the fire and never fully healed, and that's why he's in the wheelchair.

His moms are rockabillies who own a motorcycle repair shop in the outskirts of Trujillo, They're big into 50's american culture and almost always have the radio on to whatever rock station is playing at the time, which helped inspire his love of radio and older fashion style. The albums he plays on KLOB are the only ones they let him bring because they were copies of records they already had.

He has a regular wheelchair with, you know, wheels, but when he fully learned levitation he found it easier to move around with a chair on a lev ball, especially on rougher terrain, so thats what he usually uses.

Despite his amount of Rizz he has no clue that Adam has a crush on him (not totally his fault, Adam's attempts of flirting are stuttery at best). He's just. Slightly oblivious to the feelings of others.

He acts like he doesnt care what people think. He very much does, and has some very overcompetative tendancies.

He and Gisu met in the motherlobe and have been part of the intern program for the longest, spending three years doing dumb shit in the woods while brushing off their intern duties or whatever they are.

He immediately took Queepie under his wing and they end up becoming really good friends, even if he isn't the greatest DJ. Cause he's, yknow, like 8.

Gisu

She/Her Intersex transmasc bisexual. Binds.

She's an Iranian immigrant who lives in a small town in the midwest, Same town as Lizzie and Norma. They're families know each other and they're childhood friends.

AuDHD and NPD.

She's an only child and lives with her mother and grandparents. She's slightly spoiled and they pretty much let her do whatever she wants, as long as she doesn't get arrested.

She's autistic and has a special interest in paleontology and robotics. She was part of her school's robotics team before joining the psychonauts.

She's very much a romantic, but tends to leap into crushes quickly and gets her heart broken.

Speaking of, she and Norma are QPPs.

Morris and her are besties and each others hypeman.

She has a tendency to work on her projects late into the night to the point of not noticing that its three in the morning by the time she finishes something.

She's easily able to focus on something that interests her, but if she doesn't think its something she would like to do, she procrastinates and avoids it like the plague. She gets easily distracted when she finally does get started.

Has a fursona. Its an otter.

BIG Boy band fan. All paul but also n-street, synced up boys, and whatever she can get her hands on. She doesn't care if its considered "trashy", it sounds good to her ears!

Also daft punk.

She loves Dion for his lack of swag and dumb barry b benson ass expressions

She was raised muslim and is personally agnostic but Sam convinced her Jesus and Moses were psychic and she constantly pisses Norma (catholic) off by bringing it up.

She's smart and gets good grades but doesn't have much respect for authority. She has A's and B's despite skipping most of her classes.

Adam

Transfem gay, but currently unaware of his gender, mostly from repression and not feeling the need to go too far inward. (Dont all guys wish they could wake up in the body of a girl and have no one question it and call him a she?) She/He, 16 years old.

She's from a rich, very influential family in britan known for having a lot of successful and gifted members. There's a lot of push for all the kids to do something "big" with their lives, and many begin to achieve that at very young, most having scholarships and awards at young ages.

And then there's Adam. Her biggest achievements are being

Truman's intern and that time she reached the quarterfinals of the county debate tournament. She's surrounded by ivy bound prodigies and musical geniuses and she's just… some history buff. She fades into the background noise, and feels like she's failing her family despite his best efforts.

Not fully conscious of the amount of wealth his family has. What do you mean your family doesn't send you 80 dollar tea overseas every month?

On a lighter note, He's taken it upon himself to become a bit of a "big brother" to Raz because he has a sibling around his age and he reminds her of them. She's trying to teach him how to play tetris. • As mentioned before, he has a crush on Morris but is terrible at flirting. He's one of Morris' few listeners on KLOB, but mostly does it because he enjoys hearing his voice.

She and Lizzie are absolutely TOIGHT. Lizzie immediately pinned her as a dweeb first time they met and she was right. They became a lot friendlier over time and were pen pals when Adam went back home after their first year.

Adam's eyes are all funky because he's got extra strong aura reading abilities, but the downside is that he basically goes blind for a while sometimes and has to orient around the world by seeing others auras and how they reflect off and affect objects.

Had a cringey katana-and-fedora phase when she was like 13. He tries to repress the memory. Her friends won't let her live it down because they have photo evidence.

Telekinesis specialist

Sam

CW For parental neglect, bullying, and parentification. Hoo boy lotta thoughts here.

Genderfluid Xenogendered Lesbian but not fully out to people who aren't the other junior agents. 14 and uses any pronouns but mainly she/her publicly.

Her family life is... strained. She lives in a pretty small town in the middle of nowhere, southeast america. Her family was normal when she still felt like a kid, but after Dogen acidentally blew up a bullies head, it became a frantic rush of lawyers, policemen, and hospital visits.

Since her parents were frequently away trying to figure out ways to mitigate Dogens abilities and find ways to settle the lawsuit they got, Sam would spend many hours alone. She quickly had to figure out how to cook and gather food outside to sustain herself because they would sometimes be in too much of a rush to prepare anything or be gone for longer than expected.

As things started to calm down, her parents would leave her alone with Dogen while they went off doing whatever else, and when they came back they would be too tired or too stressed to help her with anything.

She spent most of her days in the companionship of animals, almost always got up whenever Dogen was hungry or sick or had a nightmare, just to feed him and make sure he was okay.

Her parents basically treated her like a third adult when she was like 10, venting to her and letting her do most of the chores in the house when they were away, and they never really left her with a babysitter because she's "so mature for her age".

She has a strong fear of developing it herself, so she represses her anger. When someone is being mean to her and she starts focusing more on not blowing up than whats happening so she gets an unfocused look which leads to more teasing.

She eventually decided to just play into the "stupid weird girl" role, hoping being the butt of a joke in a friend group and making people laugh would help ease up her anger if she just laughs it off as her being dumb. (This ended up leaking into her and Norma's relationship and was part of the reason why they broke up.)

She did actually get in prison! She had a meltdown when the teasing became too much and attacked one of the girls in her "friend" group. She got sent to juvie for that. Her parents had to get a lot of recommendations from Compton to get her into the intern program and send her away.

The anxiety is genetic!!! Yayyyy!! Same with the autism.

Her trauma's left her with a very dysfunctional view of relationships and uses the animals as a way to feel like she has some control over her life and that she isn't a servant, she can lead too and help others improve themselves. This ended up leaking into

Heavy backstory stuff outta the way, back to the present. Sam's nickname is barncat because she runs off in the middle of the night and comes back the day after covered in mud and whatever else. She's basically made herself queen of the questionable area and forages for food and scrap metal at night. also she occasionally hacks up hairballs. no one wants to know why

Despite her.. questionable pancakes, Sam is actually a very good chef! She's just better at using more dubious ingredients.

She has PCOS and is on birth control to regulate it (projecting...)

Also IBS! She gets random tummy aches a lot and has zero clue why it happens.

Sam's kinlist includes raku chan gregor samsa and that canary she saw once when she was a kid

Sam constantly masks back home and the motherlobe is the only place she feels she can be weird and free. She used to have longer hair but she lopped it off sometime during her internship because dysphoria (i hc its like end of summer so near the end of the intern program that year)

Sam ends up deciding to become Raz's weird older sister. Sam has no braincells, raz simultaneously has a lot of and no braincells at the same time, but when they're together they somehow add up to -7. She gives Raz advice that ranges from suprisingly helpful to very dubious

She really does love her grandpa, even if she's seen less and less of him throughout her life.

Her specialty is zoolingualism, but I think she'd be skilled at abilities that require her hands, like Psi-Punch and confusion bombs. She used mental connection to create a lasso of sorts she calls "critical thinking" which lets her lasso enemies and tie them down.

Norma

Cw for emotional abuse and manipulation.

Norma's a trans girl, who uses she/her pronouns exclusively. She's a lesbian, 15 years old. She's also Afro-Filipina.

I've mentioned this, but her mother is the mayor of the town they're from. They've very much in the higher rung of their town when it comes to wealth.

Norma's mother is very cold and analytical, constantly seeing most things she does as transactional. Every positive interaction is a step towards a vote, every negative action reflects badly on her status. Average politician. This extends to her daughters and how she expects them to act.

She's the kid that's always trying to be on her parents good side, because failure isnt tolerated in their family and definite high expectations for both sisters and how they're supposed to behave. The two of them constantly needed to fight to get their mothers affection and love. But Lizzie's pretty much given up on trying to appease her, so despite her powers being seen as "less rare", she's the preferred child now.

Her mom uses her as a token of "I'm not transphobic! I have a trans kid!" Despite, in private, constantly misgendering her and insisting she barely change her name (norman to norma) You know how transphobes are a minority in this verse? Yeeep. Its better for her mom to pretend her views are something else so she can get more votes.

Should I add the two of them had a catholic upbringing? Big amount of guilt on her end but at the same time a sense of superiority and entitlement. She's devout and retreats into religious studies as a coping mechanism

Raz makes her feel threatened in her status as "#1 student" and she's very aggressive about it.

She's still not over her and Sam's breakup and is slowly starting to obsess over her and why it ended.

Norma is a big fan of detective shows like Columbo, Sherlock, and Death Book. She absolutely wants to be a detective and solve mysteries, part of the reason why she joined the intern program.

She has NPD, BPD, Autism, and struggles with insomnia.

Despite her last name, neutral to christmas.

Shes a teachers pet and would remind the teacher of the homework just to piss a specific person off.

Touch averse, only lets people she trusts touch her.

She's a closet weeb and uses her psychic abilities to make her glasses glow like an anime character

She has a sherlock based tumblr (or livejournal or whatever you want them to use) and gets into ship discourse at 3 am. She also writes amateur death note yaoi. On paper. She gets so embarassed about it she burns it as soon as she's done.

She misses the time she spend with her sister and envies how much freedom she has from rebelling against her parents. She wishes she could do the same but also wishes they could go back to normal so Lizzie can have a seat at the dinner table again.

She can do glassblowing with her hands.

Lizzie

Same CWs as Norma, Cw for emotional abuse and manipulation.

She's closeted genderqueer and a lesbian, uses They/She pronouns. She and Norma are twins but Norma insists she's the older one.

She's just given up on her relationship with her parents. No matter what they do, she isn't going to go back to constant competition and stress. She doesn't want that anymore. The Natividad sisters give off "rich parents in a gated community" vibes but Lizzie abhors their entire lifestyle and spends like 90% of her time outside the house doing random shit

She's realized the privilege that comes with her position, and decided to hang out more in punk spaces and with kids considered "teen delinquents" or "the wrong crowd".

She prefers dumpsterdiving and thrifting over the stuff her parents buy her, stitching and crafting her own clothes is an act of rebellion because they constantly scold her for wearing "Rags".

Her parents finally gave up, deciding to go "Fine, you want to be stubborn? We'll just pretend you don't exist." They give her somewhere to live but otherwise don't acknowledge her existence in the family until she learns to behave. She created a second hangout spot in an abandoned building with her friends and she'd spend long hours there.

She'd rather be a high school slacker who hangs out with poorer punk kids who arent "in the right groups" and actually have a social life than fighting for the spot of "perfect precious angel child" for the rest of her life. No matter how many punishments they give her. She won't let anyone know, but the way her parents treat and talk about her really hurts.

She has undying hatred for hostile architecture and drags Norma along to melt the spikes.

She fake smokes. Using candy cigarettes and using her powers to make smoke because it makes her look cool but she doesn't want lung cancer.

Very into Christmas but more into the gift making and pagan traditions.

She reads vampire romance novels for flirting tips (and also cuz they're her guilty pleasure). She also pretends to be a vampire sometimes.

She enjoys going cryptid hunting and scouring local forums for information.

Hates wearing fancy dresses. Ripped up skirts and suits ONLY.

Introduced Norma to anime, favorite is Akira and fave manga is Battle Angel Alita.

[moonspirit]

I sincerely think that someone should seriously talk to Annie at VBEOW so that the poor girl finally opens her eyes and realizes that there was never a "broken" relationship between her and her father, what there was was an abuser and a victim, who Say how sick it is that an abuser asks his victim to live with him to make up for his mistakes instead of acting like someone genuinely repentant and letting the victim be happy away from him.

However, I don't think it has to be Armin who intervenes in that awakening, he will surely try and Annie will be attacked because in her vision as a victim she is the monster and her father is the poor changed man who wants to correct his mistake and she the bad one in the story that doesn't let him do it. Then everything is going to explode and I already see them blaming each other for several things after this. Personally, Armin is the type of person who angrily says things he doesn't really mean in order to hurt (we saw it with Mikasa and everything he said when our boy was on the edge) But these are ramblings.

It will definitely have to be either Pieck or Oliver who makes her change her mind about her father, it will hurt and it will be a huge reality shock for our Annie. But really all his communication problems, self-esteem and mistrust COME BECAUSE OF HIM. She has to realize that she is the victim and that a victim could never be happy living with her abuser.

Hello :3!

Annie's father has so far not featured prominently in VBEOW, and while I have no plans to put him in the limelight, the way he raised her is a huge portion of the person she is, and part of her past. And the past is very important, ofc.

Atm the relationship between them is "something that exists", at best. It's not comfortable, it's not warm, it hasn't stepped beyond the past, but it is something, and it is "stable". The subject matter of the life Annie lived with him when she was a child, and what she endured is not something she likes to address. She has massive trouble acknowledging the necessity of thinking about it multiple times through the chapters: when she first sees Aoife's bruises, when Aoife asks to be taught how to fight, when she visits her father in Ch.9, when she's in the middle of training the girl and remembers the sensations of insects.... and so on. It's also important to remember that while Armin has explicitly acknowledged the existence of her scars and the fact that he knows who caused them - and Annie accepts this, she has still not talked about it to him. He knows, and she knows he knows, and that's that - the status quo.

My point being that Annie does not "talk", and relevant to this topic particularly, Annie does not talk about her father, and does not want to voluntarily think of those bad memories.

There is guilt, however, surfacing. Guilt that he's crippled, guilt that he's alone, guilt that she isn't doing enough to repair the relationship. She would've been more than happy to take the chance to live with him, pre-Kald. But now she has so much, so many people surrounding her, teaching her everyday that she's cared for, loved, and looked after with respect... and she's changing, slowly, growing out of all the things that scared and stunted her. So the realisation that she isn't really looking forward to moving in with her father is quite a shock for her. But again, the two problems: (1) Unless Annie finally wants to "understand" the trauma she faced and how her father was not right for it, and (2) unless she "talks", there is nobody who is going to know of the problems she's trying to deal with (or not deal with, rather) regarding her father.

Then again :3! Things will be interesting! We'll see!

Thank you so much for reading, and for sharing your thoughts T////T I appreciate it!

[humanitys-last-call]

considering the Elites that worked tirelessly to repair you a new body, where are those elites now? and how has your relationship with them been ever since? (🐙)

"It would help immensely if I could actually present them to you, but I'm afraid our route of communication is limited at the moment.

I suppose you'll just have to humor me and try to imagine what they look like... Actually, that might be a challenge. I've heard that many Inklings are under the assumption that all Octoling soldiers look virtually indistinguishable from each other...

No matter. Moving on."

"There's Helui, a robotics engineer. Those are quite valuable in the Octarian army, you know. Though they are not easy to find...

She's a bit of a strange one. Prone to taunting her colleagues, picks on the lesser Octarians like some sort of schoolyard bully, laughs perhaps just a bit too much- you get the picture. She does as she's told, though, and her work on my body is not without praise. Questionable maturity aside, Helui's engineering talent far exceeds that of her former comrades.

I do not mind her."

"Then there's Wakapi, our mechanic. Hmph. Her work is good, but some of my previous recruits easily dwarf her. Beggars cannot be choosers, however, so her work is within an acceptable standard... for now. She's very sociable and proud, and she needed little persuasion to join me at my side. Despite that, she is mildly rebellious, likely on account of her ego, and she will resist my orders at times or make snappy quips directed at me. The other soldiers do seem to enjoy her presence, though.

My fear is that Wakapi enjoys mine... too much. I am under the suspicion that she's harboring some level of intimate feelings towards me, but I really cannot be certain. I've never been good at spotting these things.

I am not sure how I feel about this one."

"Last, but certainly not least, there is Wanni. Wanni is our humble little clothing designer. She is responsible for my stunning uniform, of course. One befitting of a commander like me, if you could try to visualize it.

She is outwardly meek and speaks little, but she is incredibly vicious on the battlefield. Attacks to kill. Do not underestimate her capabilities. Wanni is frustratingly modest and is a bit of a pushover, especially with Helui, so I do find it aggravating to watch her struggle sometimes. That being said, she is very diligent, and obeys every order without question. Her loyalty never falters.

I am decidedly fond of this Octoling."

[silverloreley]

I'm kinda in a pinch here.

I am demiace, sometimes I am wholly sex repulsed, some are sex indifferent.

As long as I was single, this didn't matter, save for the occasional boring same "you'll find someone someday" and the likes. But I have a boyfriend now, since the end of December actually, and even if I was very clear about my orientation since our second date (and dropping hints in the first) he keeps trying to lead me to sexual activities. Gently and respecting when I say stop or no, but still it's much too clear he wants that.

The thing is, I get it, humans tend to want sex and closeness, and I did make an effort for the sake of the relationship, tried a few things (I'm a virgin so I thought maybe I could learn and try and see how is it...) some of which were vaguely pleasant, but I keep thinking of other stuff and how I'd rather do anything else but that. Even when we kiss I'd rather not. In fact, I had to stop him several times while we were in the street and he gets too handsy because I'm a very private person and I can't stand PDA save for very mild ones.

And yesterday we had one of the best dates so far, at least for me, in which we had lunch at my home (no money wasted to go out, don't judge me, I'm poor) and then we worked on the stuff for the next cosplay contest (our first together, he volunteered since he already had the cosplay, so I added him to my idea) and we made a prop + tried the scene and dance, I had a whole lot of fun and finally felt I wasn't wasting my time.

He didn't. He said it was fun but he still preferred walks and talking (and trying to have sex, that was implied) and I was hurt by that. It was the best for me that we did actual things together, real tangibile stuff and nice activities, when I always felt kind of off any other time.

Also, there's the thing he doesn't seem able to do even half the stuff I do. I can dance, cook, sew, do anything a household can need including painting or doing minor repairs, I make props and I'm learning to prep wigs, and many other things, I write and have a somewhat extensive (though not as much as I'd like) culture... He has a good job and he's sweet, that's it, nothing else. He can't keep up when I speak of complex topics, he has nothing to add to a discussion, he always speaks of the same topics in the same way (his job, videogames, movies, his past relationships and trauma) or gives me compliments that point out how great I am that always feel more like he wants me to give them back or raise him up.

I don't know what to do. I'm very confused because I don't know what I want, if I want to try more to make this work or just wait until the competition is over and break up, but then I'd come off like I wanted to use him for a goal and that's not the truth, I like him but the issues are there and I can't ignore them forever.

I thought I'd give us time until October (the last competition is at the beginning of September) to see how things evolve, if I can make him understand I need different things and see if there are compromises we can make, but still I worry this won't work, not if I'm unhappy with the things he likes and wants, and he doesn't enjoy the ones I like.

[greenhikingboots]

Ship Game. Answer with a GIF. No repeats. 1. First Ship I thought long and hard about it, and I think my first ship must have been Mulan and Li from Disney’s Mulan. The movie came out when I was just old enough to start thinking critically about movies, noticing what I liked and didn’t like. And I realized I really, really liked Mulan and Li as individual characters, but I didn’t like that we didn’t get to see them fall in love — just the spark of something starting at the end of the movie. I think it was the first time I daydreamed about different scenarios that could have played out between them, which is basically the foundation of fanfiction, right? So…. count it!

2. First OTP This has to be Draco and Hermione (Dramione) from Harry Potter. This is the ship that got me into reading fanfiction and actually engaging in fandom spaces. Unfinished fics still haunt my Google Docs, and I hope one day I’m going to come back to this ship and finish them. Basically, I love thinking about Draco’s possible redemption arc and I love that a relationship with Hermione helps explore and enhance it. Oh, and the angst!

3. Current Favorite Sydney and Carmen from The Bear. It took until the end of the most recent season for the appeal to sink in, and I’d like to see more positive moments between them before romantic feelings solidify. But I think they’ve got a great foundation. Plenty of conflict, sure, but relationship experts say the frequency of conflicts and the subject matter of conflicts aren’t what indicate success in relationships. It’s all about how conflicts are repaired. And I LOVE the way they do repairs together. So vulnerable. So willing to accept responsibility and try to change. Looking forward to their development in future seasons.

4. Shipped From the First Minute Josh and Donna from The West Wing. I watched this show way after it ended and found myself just wanting more and more of them. Like, they could have been the main characters instead of having an ensemble cast and I would have been perfectly content. Playful banter right off the bat. She keeps him in line. He’d be lost without her. They’re both smitten but dammit they work at the White House and that means they have to keep things professional. The pining! Do yourself a favor and go watch YouTube videos of just them. You won’t regret it.

5. Wish They’d Been Endgame I’m putting Jon and Sansa (Jonsa) here so that I have a sensible spot left for other ships. I do believe they’ll be endgame in the books, if we ever get them, so this answer is for Game of Thrones specifically. We’ve all read, reblogged, and probably written a few of our own posts about how many different ways the show went sideways. I have nothing new to say here and to recap previous thoughts would take way too many paragraphs. Jon, Sansa, and the Stark legacy all deserved so much better. That’s the short of it.

6. Wish They’d Been Canon As some other answers hint at, I typically empathize with writers’ choices even if they don’t fit my personal preference. So it was hard to think of a couple that wasn’t canon but I truly thought should have been from a cohesive narrative perspective. Maybe Caleb and Maeve from Westworld? This show went more and more off the rails with each season, so a lot more than ship dynamics would have to change to redeem it in my opinion. And I definitely wouldn’t want Caleb to have been unfaithful to his wife. But they showed us such a stronger bond between him and his daughter and between him and Maeve compared to him and his wife that, like…. maybe his wife shouldn’t have even been a character? Write her out completely, as early as possible? And then that strong partnership between Caleb and Maeve could have been something even more? Yep, that would have been better.

7. You Like But Most of Fandom Hates Do people *hate* Jacob and Bella (Jella) from Twilight? I don’t know, but I like it 100 times more than Bella and Edward, and I think that’s probably pretty uncommon. Actually, in my college public speaking class, we had an assignment where we had to have a partner and write persuasive speeches from opposing views. And I was like, “Who wants to be my partner and have fun with this by debating Twilight ships?” I compared Jella against serious research about successful relationships and ACED IT. My instructor liked my speech so much she asked me to give it a second time to another class she taught while she recorded it. I would pay money to be able to track down a copy of that. A+ work.

8. Don’t Even Watch But Ship Them Anyway Eddie and Chrissy (HellCheer) from Stranger Things. Opposites attract? Grumpy sunshine appearing but maybe not really? Outcast boy and popular girl? A ship name that isn’t about their names? DOOMED BY THE NARRATIVE? What’s not to love, you know? Plus, this ship’s fans make amazing art! And if I remember correctly, it loosely inspired a Jonsa AU fic I really enjoyed, lounge act.

9. Wish They’d Had a Different Storyline Stefan and Caroline (Steroline) from the Vampire Diaries. I’ve only dabbled in this fandom, but it seems like Klaus and Caroline (Klaroline) is a much more popular ship. They had great chemistry, so I get the appeal. But the surface-level unrequited crush to reluctant mentor/mentee to genuine friends to platonic soulmates to lovers slow burn of Steroline is just chef's kiss. But then — spoiler alert — right after they get married, Stefan sacrifices himself so his brother and ex-girlfriend can be together? From a writer’s perspective, I get that ending. Full circle, brotherly love, blah blah blah. But I liked Stefan and Caroline so much more than Damon and Elena and would have rather seen the former couple get the happy ending.

10. Favorite that was Endgame Coach Eric Taylor and his wife Tami Taylor from Friday Night Lights. Do they count? They were together the entire series and had few serious marital conflicts. So there was never any threat of being something other than endgame. But I’m picking them anyway. I love their classic bickering like an old married couple and the way they still lust for each other after so many years. And I love, love, love that the series finale ended with them making a move that was more for her career than his. Relationship goals.

[beansnpeets]

I'm really trying to think about this whole thing with Jon and I would really like to feel better about it and I would like if we could fix things, but I'm worried too much damage has been done. I'm worried that there is no coming back from all of it.

But then, at the same time, maybe he isn't the person that I think he is. I already know he doesn't share all his political views with me because he knows I'm very opposed to a lot of what he's said in the past. But then there are so many other things that we are on the same page about and the things we disagree on tend to be things he just doesn't know anything about?

Idk. I still care about him a lot and it's hard to go through a breakup. But my gut does tell me that we aren't right for each other and that it will come to an end eventually either way.

It's a lot to think about. On one hand he is my best friend and we do have fun together, but then on the other hand there are many aspects of our relationship that only cause me grief. I don't feel like I benefit from living with him. Perhaps that's a step we could take. Maybe living apart would help us to repair things. I just don't know how to talk to him about that. I do think I'd be happier if we lived apart and honestly I think he would be, too. He constantly complains about our pets and if he moved out he could take Lucky and then the whole thing would be easier on him. And then I don't have to deal with breaking up fights anymore between her and the other two.

I just......don't know what to do. It's hard and I am unsure how to handle this. I'd like to get in to see a counselor to talk to someone about it, a neutral party, but they discouraged me last time when I was seeking mental health help, I guess because I wasn't going to kill myself. They only wanna help people in crisis. Everyone else doesn't matter.

[natesfeliz]

It has been a very long time since I posted, but recently rediscovered my old blog as i was talking to my friend about his blog that I came across.

I think not only it is great to express yourself here, but also it is amazing to revisit it so many years later and see how you felt and what were your thoughts at the time... no matter how cringy it might seem in the moment.

I decided to write this now, as I came back from Estonia. My relationship with my mother has strained over the past few years and it is though. I think we are both trying to re-build our relationship, but sometimes it is tough when there is traumatic history. I was sitting now at my desk, and the thought crossed my mind "We have not spent enough time together". And whilst it is true that I wish we had spent a lot more time together - it is also true that had we spent more time together in the past few years, our relationship would have been beyond repair at this moment. For any relationship, it takes two to work on it.

It is human nature to wonder and have the "grass is greener on the other side" feeling. We all wish and want things we do not have or desire a path or an outcome was different. We truly need to appreciate what we have in the moment, but acknowledge that if something is not to our liking, then to work, and work hard, to improve our situation. We cannot just rebuild something, or expect a different outcome, if we do nothing towards it...

Seems simple, yet so many fail in this regard. When I see something I dont like, I tend to close my eyes. For example, the other day, there was a dead squirrel on the street. I closed my eyes and turned my head the other way. If i dont see it, then it doesnt exist, right? We tend to do the same with our life and our future. If we dont think about it and dont actively work towards a better future, then it is not as bad (because we just dont think about how miserable the situation is).

Wrong. That squirrel was still there, it was still dead and someone still had ran it over. It did not change it. And whilst for that particular squirrel it does not change the outcome. But me working towards my life and keeping my eyes open DOES change the outcome of my future. In anything... my relationship with my mother, my money saving, my career, my friendship. With pain comes growth. We just need to learn to embrace the pain and to understand that it is essential for bettering ourselves... even though sometimes it is *very, very* painful...

[l-sincline]

Cybernetics Chapter 25

Amy Rose is a mechanic, plain and simple. But aside from that, she feels utterly alone in a cruel world where she makes just enough to scrape by. One night she’s visited by a mysterious Cyborg that needs his arm fixed, little does she know this repair will change her life.

Flung from the confines of her normal life, Amy finds herself working with Anarchists set on creating a new life for themselves and the poor people of Mobius. The only downside? Seeing who she thought was her best friend fight against her.

AO3 Tags:  Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Amy Rose/Shadow the Hedgehog, Minor or Background Relationship(s), Amy Rose (Sonic the Hedgehog), Shadow the Hedgehog, Sonic the Hedgehog, Miles “Tails” Prower, Dr. Eggman | Dr. Robotnik, Rouge the Bat, Whisper the Wolf, Cream the Rabbit, Knuckles the Echidna, Badnik (Sonic the Hedgehog), E-123 Omega, Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Cyberpunk, Angst, Slow Burn, Partners in Crime

AO3 Link

Previous/Next

The abandoned outer ring was eerily silent, despite its influx of occupants. Though, ever since they’d found Silver, Amy couldn’t help but wonder how many other Mobians were really living here. The sun was beginning to set, Tails had fashioned a fire with the help of a gentler flame from Omega. The command had come quietly from her own mouth, Go help him set the fire, Omega. And Omega had quietly complied. 

They were split, Sonic and Knuckles stood at the other side of the fire, talking lowly- but animatedly- to each other. Rouge stood, watching them, from their own side of the fire. Amy sat on the ground, hugging her knees to her chest, and eventually Shadow huffed and moved from Rouge’s side, sitting down next to her with a thump. His cloak fluttered only momentarily before following him down to conceal the rest of his body, as usual. Though, he’d removed his hood. 

“Do you think this is worth it?” He muttered.

“I don’t know. They haven’t attacked us yet.” She pointed out.

“Still.” He replied, “Stay on guard.” 

“Thinking up an attack plan over there?” Sonic’s bristly voice cut through the clearing. 

“You were chatting up a storm with that buffoon not even a moment ago!” Rouge snapped back, waving a hand at the android echidna. 

“Hey-!” The echidna began to respond, but Tails interrupted.

“Stop!” He cried as Omega moved to go stand by Rouge, “We can’t get anything done if we just fight the whole time.” 

“And what exactly are we supposed to ‘get done’ here, Tails?” Amy snapped, Shadow glanced over to her before looking back to Tails and nodding affirmatively.

“We have to work together to take down Robotnik.” There was a heavy silence, Tails locked eyes with Amy, even though she hadn’t responded, “I know you agree with me Amy.”

“What’s it matter if I agree with you?” She responded, extending her feet and leaning back on her hands, “You and your stupid Blue Blur have done nothing but attack us and make our job harder, how are any of us supposed to know that this isn’t just an attempt at insider take down?”

“Do you really think that little of me?” Tails shot back, Sonic had seemed like he was about to speak, but shut his mouth. 

“Yeah, actually, I do.” She narrowed her eyes, “It’s pretty hard to trust you from my perspective, Tails. You leave me and then the first time I see you in person in months is to try and capture me. And why? Because you want information on him-” Amy pointed harshly to Shadow, “-a guy I barely even knew at the time. All he’d done for me was pay me way more money than I thought I deserved and take me out to a nice dinner as part of that payment. But all of a sudden, because you couldn’t just talk to me like a friend, I'm suddenly an accessory to crime.” 

Tails opened his mouth to speak, but was interrupted by Amy once more.

“And I’m not finished yet! Come to find out, this ‘criminal’ you’ve accused me of partnering with, isn’t even really a criminal! He was doing work to help mobians like me, mobians like us, Tails! I guess you just forgot what it’s like to live out there in those back alleys as soon as you moved away, huh?” Amy took a deep breath and stared angrily at Tails. The clearing had regained it’s previous silence, save for the crackling of the fire. 

She could feel all eyes burning into her, and she willed Tails to respond. She wanted him to say anything, not even an apology at this point, even an excuse would have sufficed, but the fox stared at her dumbfounded, seemingly by the amount of suppressed rage she had unloaded on him- and even then she was controlling herself. Much to her disappointment, it was Sonic that spoke next.

“Hold on a second- ‘help mobians like us’, what do you mean?” 

“Me and Tails? We’re both from the outer ring.”  Amy could only say this as if it was a ‘duh’ moment.

“I thought you only wanted the chips?” Sonic turned his attention to Shadow. 

“Well you never sat me down over tea to ask about it, did you?” Shadow spat, “No. The chips are a personal project, they just happen to be in the hands of a lot of people that don’t deserve them.” 

“It’s the same for us.” Tails finally spoke again as he shifted back to sonic and the android. “Chips are a side project, we mean to save the citizens of Mobius.” 

“Then why, pray tell, have you spent so much of your time attacking us?” Rouge asked. 

It was silent again. 

“I guess we’ve only been thinking about you in terms of the chips.” Sonic addressed Shadow again, “You only came to mind when we were talking about the chips, you’ve always been at one of the chips. So that’s all I saw you as, someone who wasn’t me trying to get the chips.” 

“What do you want the chips for?” The echidna asked Shadow. 

Amy sucked on her teeth as she glanced at Shadow. She wasn’t even sure what he wanted the chips for, he’d just referenced that it was personal, and something about going back in time. 

“What do you want the chips for?” Shadow shot back at Sonic, both were silent. 

“Okay, okay- forget about the chips.” Amy spoke up, “What one or the other needs them for isn’t important right now. It’s getting it away from Robotnik.”

“Who knows what he’ll do with it if he has it for much longer…” Tails echoed quietly. 

All was silent again. Amy couldn’t say she didn’t like it- at this point the group being silent seemed to be when the most thought happened. It was good for them to lull before they accidentally tripped back into fighting. 

“I have a plan.” Shadow spoke up, “Listen carefully, I think this’ll be easier than it sounds.”

[the-rockstar-lestat]

Good Morning Prince. How does the whole prince thing work when you're away from court with sad boi? And what did sad boi do to get you away from a place as cool as a vampire court????

Good morning dear. Sorry for taking so long to reply, but your ask came at a very appropriate time: I just got back from a visit to court.

So when we set up the court I suppose I thought I'd live there full time. But even a rockstar can't be on stage 24/7, and, I imagine like many kings and queens have, I found the environment stifling.

Look, I've always wanted to be a hero, I've always wanted to be seen and loved and wanted, guilty as charged, but I've never been good at dealing with pomp and circumstance and ritual and the Court seemed to positively BREED that sort of thing. Maybe vampires are pompous by nature. Maybe too many of them were born in a world of royalty and divine right. But I'm a creature of chaos, as Louis will be glad to tell you. The brat prince, remember? I've never been good at falling in line. I'm also a child of the enlightenment; I was no fan of the revolution when it happened (it did kill most of my family...) but I've always been a little skeptical of titles, despite being born with one. Or maybe because of it. Our title didn't keep us warm during the winter, it just made it impossible to ask for the help of our neighbors because as aristocrats we were above such weakness.

Maybe we shouldn't have structured it in such a regal fashion, but it was a busy time. I was trying to figure out how to put out Roshamendes' fires (quite literally) , and then they wanted me to be leader and then they were calling me prince. Not sure how it all escalated that quickly either. Better than a new religion, which seems to be the OTHER thing vampires like to do.

Anyway, court was uncomfortable, at least to be at full time, and I longed for a backstage area. Louis and I were also repairing our relationship, trying again, and while Louis loves the court in theory and what it stands for, he finds it overwhelming. When I held the core we didn't have much choice in the matter, I had to be protected, and my understandably paranoid subjects insisted I be somwhere safe and accessible, for THEIR safety. But after it's removal and our serverencr from the core, there was no reason to keep me in my gilded cage, so an idea was reached. Louis and I would live our private lives in whatever city we chose, and would both be in attendance a few days out of the month to run business. I usually average about a week out of the month, sometimes less or more if things ar happening. We also have a Season now, a month or so when court is officially opened, we have a series of balls and parties, announcements are made, major business is attended to, and all vampire kind is invited to attend. THAT'S when I'm most busy, and tend to live there full time while the court is teeming with people, both for business and pleasure. I don't mind it so much! The show must go on, and most of this prince stuff is being a pretty figurehead that people can identify with.

Honestly, I'm a pretty hands off ruler. Could never stand being told what to do, don't really like to tell others, but I'm happy to step in to settle disputes and mediate. That I can do. Sometimes big things come up and require my presence, like the vampire Nazi incident that brought Louis and me to Thessaloniki, then Rome, then England, then back to Thessaloniki (more for a vacation...) slightly before the pandemic.

Anyway, other than that, I live privately with Louis in New York, and very happily. I like being the vampire prince, don't get me wrong, love the attention and the adoration, and yes, the ability to do something for my people and my kind that helps them cope with eternity, and gives them the pride in their culture and nature that so many of us lacked for so long.

I hope my service there somehow makes up for what I did to Louis and Claudia. All this started because I separated two vampires from their community, and what is Louis' story, immortalized in his book, but a search for community? I hope I have finally brought him that.

[swiftcola]

Out of curiosity— how would you do the ending(s) of M3?

honestly i have no idea bc i have issues with the entire story 😭😭 the most i can come up with is something i’ve mentioned a few times before, making decisions throughout the game that can lead to 2 different outcomes: bad lincoln who lets the power and money get to him vs good lincoln who repairs the city (and heals a little himself) as he goes and leaves at the end. sounds simple enough but i think it would’ve been interesting to see how your choices effect his behaviour in real time. once you’ve made too many poor decisions, you’re stuck with a twisted, tortured lincoln who can’t let go and move on. make a lot of charitable, compassionate choices and he leaves of his own volition, goes to california just like he wanted. it just felt like the last minute choice at the end where you get to drive in either direction was so…. boring? i feel at that point he just lost all personality and became the player. like what does HE want?? they could’ve easily kept the alternate endings/make your own decisions thing they were trying to do while doing something rly interesting with his character. i want to see him change because of our choices. to see him heal and let go and find some semblance of peace. or to see him fall and fall and fall until he doesn’t even realise what he’s become. i want to see it effect his personal relationships. see it impact just how willing his allies would be to come to his aid. and i think the underbosses should’ve had set stories/roles !!! the game very much suffers by leaving their fates in your hands and making you do everything alone. and none of their endings were satisfying to me either. the game punishes you no matter what you choose and none of it feels deserved because there’s a serious lack of a strong narrative that definitively leads to any of these outcomes !! is any of this making sense

[prusikknots]

3 days into reactivating my dating profiles and I’m already on the verge of deactivating them again. It’s so demoralizing to me.

Feeld: 90% poly, casual, and ENM, which is not what I’m looking for at all.

Tinder: bots, people just looking to hookup (likely also bots), or matches that don’t message or respond back. Just like last time.

FB Dating: matches that never respond, or their profile says to add on IG and they never message back because they’re just looking to get traffic to their OF or whatever.

All three also bring in dominatrix women, which is a weirdly consistent thing I’ve been getting every time I join. Wtf kind of energy do I put off?

The ones that give me instant ick, no matter what else is on their profile or how they look, is ‘god first’ or ‘child free.’ Instant swipe left.

Maybe I should try OKCupid. Or maybe I shouldn’t be trying to see people still and keep isolating. I’m already extremely discouraged and demoralized after just a few days.

lol my dumbass really thought I’d be going a casual route or doing OF content with mutuals or something. My desire for sex and intimacy has tanked so hard 😭 I feel so fucking broken now. The third time my ex moved onto some other dude, and then was open about her hookup when she kept me hidden for so long, really fucked me up mentally. I was raging so much because I truly thought differently of her. I still do in a way, and I get now why she did certain things, but still. It still hurt to be given up on, and to not see how her words over many months wore me down. We already had a relationship, why couldn’t we be doing our own thing and what we needed to do in our own lives while also being there for each other? Why was that so difficult???

I’ve never felt this defeated before, even after the first time she left me. I feel like damaged goods, but with a weird sense of clarity and calmness. Therapy is helping me see the why with my actions, I just wish she understood my angle and could have empathy enough to see that repair is truly doable. To hear her say she didn’t remember how much hurt we processed and all the good times we did have, that shook me. To say she only saw it as suffering, it felt dehumanizing.

It makes me not want to get close to people ever again. That’s why I hardly ever reach out or text people anymore. No one wants me around, so what’s the point? Why should I bother anyone to spend time with me if no one is hitting me up wanting to hang out?

[chryslerdodgejeeps]

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[unsoundgarden]

I’ve been thinking about my parents a lot lately. Now that I’m considering moving far away from them, it’s making my decision to not talk to them feel a lot more final. Part of me wonders if cutting them off is just taking the easy out. If I'm avoiding doing the work to repair our relationship by just leaving the relationship altogether. But then I think, what would be the goal of talking to them again? I want them to be loving and supportive, but I don't think I can just talk them into being that for me.

They never showed much care for my emotional needs. I'm not saying my parents are inherently incapable of providing love and emotional support, but it seems that a long time ago they decided that it just wasn't very important. They treat their role as parents more like being parole officers. Just make sure I follow the rules and everything else is my problem. My emotions were always my responsibility and I was very rarely offered any help or support with them. They just don't see that as necessary. And I don't know if I could convince them to start now.

I just mourn for what could have been. I cry that I never felt emotionally cared for. But my parents don't view this as a shortcoming. There was a complete devaluation and contempt for emotionality in that household. Having emotions was seen as weakness, an impediment to logic, reason, and obedience which were the things that really mattered. I remember distinctly how they would audibly scoff whenever a character in a movie decided to "follow their heart". Being true to yourself and honoring your emotions was a fool's errand and whatever harm came to you would be your fault. It all stems from their theology. I can't tell you how many times I heard "The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately wicked: who can know it?"

I guess in the end they were just two emotionally scarred people who didn't know how to live honestly with their emotions in a way that wasn't painful and compromising so they threw them all away. I'm sad for them because of how far down this cold isolated tunnel they seem to have wandered. And that makes me come full circle and wonder if I should be the person to try to help them emotionally heal. It's crazy because that was my duty in the household growing up. I was the emotional regulator. The calmer. The peacemaker. They told me that all the time. I was the third parent. That burden should never have been put on me and now I'm expected to play that role again on the largest scale possible just so I can convince my parents of my humanity so that maybe I can convince them to love me? I can't. That's a years-long, life-encompassing, soul-draining endeavor. I've already had so much of my life taken away by them, I will not give them more just in the hopes that they will repay me with the love I should have received the moment they decided to create me.

But I want their love so badly, I feel its lack so deeply, that sometimes I think all that work might be worth it. Sometimes I think that because their love was what I needed so desperately in my childhood, receiving that love now would fill some deeper need that couldn't be fulfilled through receiving that same love from someone else. This is probably true to some extent. It would feel so good to hear my parents say how sorry they are, that they understand how harmful their actions were, and how they are committed to being there for me how they should have been all along. But that wouldn't repair the damage done to me by all those years of emotional neglect. And ultimately, I don't think this potential outcome, thought it would be extremely cathartic, is worth the massive amount of emotional labor it would take to get there. Especially given the very significant possibility that they may never see the error of their ways and they may never understand my needs.

I will find people who fully love and support me in the way that I wish my parents did. But regardless of who might become that in the future for me, it will have to be built over time. And I'm not going to start that process by spending immense effort to deprogram someone who thinks I'm delusional and doesn't believe that I know the truth about myself and my experiences. I deserve these deep loving relationships and I will do the work to build them. But it won't be with my parents. At least not as they exist right now.

When I said goodbye to my parents, I told them I was willing to try to rebuild our relationship. But first they had to acknowledge that neither they nor their religion know better than me on matters of my personhood and experiences. I'm not willing to drag anyone to the starting line so we can build a relationship. I think there's a voice that comes from others and lives in my head that says because they're my family I bear some responsibility to work harder for that relationship. But I don't owe that to anyone. Genetics don't give you a waiver for fundamental respect.

I hope someday they can reach that point. I so wish they were in my corner. But after the way they treated me, it's up to them to change.

[promiseiwillwrite]

Dreams

Long ago, probably at 18 or 19 years old, something in me died.

It was an expectation that I could safely trust another in love.

It was built from all these ideas about love that I have come to see were toxic and terrible and distorted. But given my overall framework, that is understandable.

But for my Entire Life, this expectation, and the desires around it have come back in my dreams.

Many times, I wake up feeling the desperate desire to be wanted by another, and to unguardedly, trustingly throw myself on the mercy of their love, and to believe with my whole heart that this is what they want too, in equal measure. For that to be safe. For that to be desirable. For that to be possible.

But, As I said... I killed that part of myself when I was a teenager. I had the experience, of course, with the other people that lived in my head, but not with humans. Because I knew better. Because I had been done dirty by someone, as teenagers tend to do. I'd been shown that they didn't care for me the same way I cared for them.

And in the "all or nothing" perspective that ruled me at the time, this broke my heart, and ruined my faith that love was safe at all. Now, to be fair, I am fairly certain that the catastrophic failure of my trust in this person broke him as much as it broke me. But he deserved to know of the consequences of his actions for me. We were in an open relationship. I had asked him to Use A FUCKING CONDOM with his other partners. And I had asked him to Tell me, when it was Feasible to do so, what was going on, to not keep secrets.

When he violated both conditions in a 2 week period and we had an HIV scare, and fucked a girl up against the wall of our bedroom while I was trying to sleep and then Came in while I was crying and Lied to me about it, I decided I was done. He was going to do what he wanted anyway. But he wasn't going to get to stay in the safe harbor of my surprising financial acumen or under my roof anymore.

And after that, there have been a few brief, shining moments between myself and another... and mostly the small, soft, safe, comfortable kind of love that comes with living with others. Sometimes there has been a physical element. But As I've gotten older, people have wanted me less in that way, as often happens.

And no trust.

I don't think human relationships without pain and disappointment exist. There has been no Safe love in my paradigm for years, no matter how I dream about it. I don't believe in it. So no experience of love in my heart walks without lock-step doubt, no love moves without a shadow of the pain I know will come. Love is not Freedom, here. Love is some Death Pact, where I know in advance how Far to Shit it might go, and I have to keep my wits about me. I have to keep myself an arm's length away from basking in it, and savoring it, because if I Don't, it will hurt That much worse, because I will have to feel the loss again.

I don't think I ever let myself feel the loss of it in the first place.

I think that cave-in of my heart temple just left rubble. A little love can still seep through the cracks, and the Desire is still somewhere down in there, shining like a lost archaeological relic that calls to me in my sleep, but I have been afraid to go after it. I have been afraid to go down into the cave, and try to clear the rocks.

So I think I will start.

Because I have a new understanding of what love is, and what it is not. I have an understanding that holds a possibility that I have not believed in for decades.

A possibility that makes me want to try to Build an Idea of Love that is Safe. To see if this is an experience I can create for myself and have in my life. One stripped of desperation and fear. One outside of the validation craving and surrender requiring that my old ideas held. One where love is a choice, and love is work, and love is communication. One where hurts exist, but also repair exists, and it's understood that this is part of being human. One where love is not meant to last a thousand years, and that a love that only lasts for a month is not a failure.

One where we are all bulls in china shops, and we muddle through anyway, and do terribly cute cow things like lick each others noses, even though sometimes we break the plates.

One where it is worth the risk, and where I know myself as something that will not crack into a million pieces, and I know I can handle it if things don't end up like I imagined.

One where romantic love does not trump or supersede platonic love in value.

One where I can be a part of the circle of the people that I love.

One where I can love others in the best way I know how, to the best of my understanding of what is right for them, according to them, and that this will be good enough.

One where I can trust that other people want me to be happy and live my best life, like I do with others.