#no one talking about alinas face when david mentioned genya

[lingeringscars]

Genya is the one person who made alina feel safe and comfortable from the start. Alina wanted genya to stay with them, didn't understand why genya couldn't sit with her, literally looked for genya in every room she entered. They felt instantly at ease with genya and really connected to how they both don't fully belong and have a power no one else does.

[unrequitedloveletter]

Forevermore- n.l x gn! Tidemaker! reader

Okay! This is part two, and in order for this to make sense, you’ll have to read part one! 

Fic type- hurt/comfort with a lot of nostalgia-type feels in it lol

Warnings- mentions of death

The day came during the summer, when you found yourself on a boat from Novyi Zem to Ravka on a six week long vacation. Just because you’d never quite thought you’d return did not mean that you were going to keep yourself from going, not when a part of you had begun longing for home, for butter week and laughter and dancing in the town square. 

Some part of you knew that you’d find your way to Os Alta, but it seemed that Tamar knew it better than you had, because when you were leaving the boat, you spotted her face, lips spread out in a grin as her gaze met yours.

“Oh, too long,” she said as you stepped off the dock and set your bags down. She hugged you tightly, and you hugged her back. “Oh, much too long.” 

“Too long indeed,” you agreed, grinning slightly as you pulled away from one another. “Missed you, Tamar. Hows the wife?”

“The wife is good,” Tamar laughed. “Though she, too, has missed you terribly. Did you have anything planned?”

“I had a room booked at the hotel twenty minutes out,” you said. “No coach, though. Nothing of the sort, actually.” 

“Well, I’ll have the room cancelled and refunded,” she said. “You need to stay at the Little Palace. Reminisce a little bit. I’ll be honest, I fear that Genya will kill you if she finds out you’re in Ravka and you haven’t visited. How long are you due to to stay?”

“Six weeks,” you said.

“Good,” Tamar nodded. “I took the royal coach. We’ll be behind Palace walls in three hours, tops.” 

You took up your luggage again, followed her unwittingly, some part of you being reminded of your friendship while you were at sea, her noticing the looks you threw at your beloved and teasing you for it, you laughing as she beat you at cards and won your rum ration for the taking. 

You rode to the Little Palace and talked throughout the entire time. Tamar gave you updates on Nikolai--including what the Darkling had done to him and the beast that came of it--and the rest of the people you’d known and loved. Genya and David. Zoya. Alina, it turned out, had faked her martyrdom, and was living with her beloved in Keramzin. It was all stuff she trusted you with, and you’d known Tamar long enough to know that you could’ve trusted each other with anything. 

You told her of your life in Novyi Zem, your flat and the stray cat that’d appeared on your windowsil and wormed his way into your home and your heart. You told her about the boutique, about the people you worked with and the ones you’d befriended. You told her about the kind souls who worked the market stalls, the laughter that carried through the city no matter which street you walked down. You told her about the baked goods that you always bought from the bakery across the street from the building you lived in, about the fact that the cat you’d taken in liked to use the inside of your winter kefta as a pillow. 

And then, almost suddenly, you were at the Little Palace, stepping out of the coach and barely having time to look to your right and  register Genyas face before she was approaching, and suddenly, you were hugging her and laughing and you couldn’t believe you’d stayed out of Ravka for so long, all of the feelings you’d neglected finally taking their chance to resurface. You’d missed everyone terribly. 

Zoya gave you a grin as the servants took to your luggage, offered you an elbow as you walked back through the Little Palace doors and Tamar returned to her duties as a member of Nikolais guard.

“Tamar knew about it, you know,” she said. “Cancelled the hotel the same day you’d booked it. Knew about the boat, too. A few of our spies in Novyi Zem reported to her in the same week you’d bought the ticket.” 

“I didn’t take much convincing,” you laughed. “I would’ve found my way back here even if she hadn’t intervened. Missed it too much.” 

“Missed the golden haired, brown eyed king too much, you mean?” Genya asked with a teasing laugh. You snorted ungracefully, internally denied it right off the bat, but you knew yourself too well. 

Some part of you had hoped he’d go to you before you went to him. Some part of you hoped you would return to your flat and find those disgustingly glorious hazel eyes staring at you as the man you’d once thought you’d marry sat, drinking kvas at your dining room table. 

Some part of you had hoped he’d say that he’d never stopped loving you and another part of you hoped he’d ask you to return to Ravka. 

Some foolish part of you hoped he’d ask you that so that you could have the chance to refuse him. 

The part of you that was not a fool knew you’d say yes, if he ever showed up at your flat and asked you to go back to Ravka. You’d never stopped loving him, only wished that you had. 

“Perhaps,” you agreed apprehensively. Had he missed you too? Was the love that had once been requited but had gone two years unrequited still there for the man you’d loved? 

Zoya scoffed. “Perhaps, Y/N?”

“Most definitely,” you allowed yourself a sad grin. “I missed him, yes. But I’ve missed you guys, too. I’ve missed David, I’ve missed Tamar and Tolya and I’ve missed Ravka as a whole. Two years is too long to go without visiting. Never again.” 

Zoya sighed. “You’re hopeless,” she said.

Genya laughed, but agreed, and the three of you were at the room that’d once upon a time been yours. 

“Go on,” Zoya said, “The refund for the money spent on the hotel stay awaits.” 

You scoffed, but turned the doorknob, opened it, and stepped inside.

You scoffed again as you found the money in bills laying atop a silk pillowcase colored a pale blue. You counted it out, and there it was, the money you’d spent and twenty dollars on top of it.

When you glanced up to the window, eyes searching for a desk somewhere because you had promised your friends in Novyi Zem that you’d write, your heart began to race. 

There he was. The Ravkan king, the man you once called your beloved. He was standing in front of the window, looking out to the scenery that was displayed outside it. 

“The additional twenty coin is what I’ve taken to calling an inconvenience fee,” Nikolai said. “I’m sorry for the inconvenience. That’s what it’s for.”

“What inconvenience, Nik?” You asked, using the nickname you used for him in past, in times of love and times before your relationship had crumbled and you’d run away from the rubble. 

You heard Nikolais scoff, and when he turned around, you caught a smirk playing on his lips. He looked like he had when you’d last seen him, when you’d fallen asleep in the same bed as him and been gone from the city by the next morning, though it was impossible not to notice the inky black stains on his fingertips. Left over from his spat with the Darkling, perhaps, or something that the volcra-like beast left in its wake.

“This one,” he said. “My being in your room. My having gotten Tamar to do as she did. My asking that she cancel your hotel, that she have her spies alert her the moment that you were seen purchasing a boat ticket near Novyi Zems docks. I’ve missed you.” 

You laughed. “Tamar respects my choices too much,” you said. “Zoya told me it was her doing, but I’d known it couldn’t’ve been. She never wanted me to go but she respected it when I did. You, however? Every decision of yours is calculated. You let me go because you knew you could get me back, you handsome fool.”

“You have always been the right person for me,” Nikolai said. “But in the middle of a war, in the middle of watching a living saint in her quest to destroy the Fold, it was not the right time. In no universe would it ever have been. You were the right person for me then, and I imagine you’re the right person for me now. I think you think the same thing.” 

You could’ve cursed him out, kicked his shin, punched him the face for the boldness of his words. You wanted to, and judging by the way that Nikolai grinned but rested a hand on the sword sheathed to the right of his waist, he knew it. 

But he was right. Two years, you’d missed him. Two years, you’d hoped he’d come strolling through your flat and sweep you off your feet like he did the first time. Two years, you thought of him every single day and two years, every single day you debated leaving Novyi Zem behind and purchasing a boat ticket back to Ravka. 

“So what then, Nikolai?” You asked. “What of it? Am I supposed to drop everything of the life I have built in Novyi Zem, leave behind my friends, my job, the cat who wormed his way into my heart when he sat on my windowsil like he bloody well owned it? I want this. I want us. I’ve missed you more than you will ever be capable of comprehending, but I cannot stand the idea of just leaving it all behind.” 

“You did much the same when you left Ravka the first time,” Nikolai pointed out. “You seemed to have no problem with it then!”

“I wept from the moment I got on that boat to the moment I docked in Novyi Zem,” you cut. “I could not stop crying for my first week. I didn’t want to go, Nikolai. I just knew that I had to. I built a life from the one I left behind. I cannot bear the thought of leaving it in the dust. I did that once, thinking I’d be able to survive it. Never again.” 

With the words, you left the money from the hotel refund on your bed, left your room and walked down the hall. You didn’t know where you were heading, but you were sure you’d figure it out eventually.

-

in the hours later, Nikolai found you at the lake. You were sitting on the dock, pants rolled a good few inches, one foot lazing about in the water whilst your other leg was bent, one arm resting against your knee. You occasionally flit your wrist, watched as the waves picked up and rolled at your will.

“I shouldn’t’ve asked you to leave it all behind,” he said. “I wasn’t trying to. I was just trying--fuck. I don’t know.” 

“If you asked me to now, I would,” you said. 

The hours spent by the lake had been hours of drowning in your own thoughts. You could holiday to Novyi Zem in the summer. You loved it there after you grew into it, but you hated it at the same time.  

Never being able to use your abilities as a Tidemaker, never wearing the amplifier you’d claimed for your own, they got tiring. Refilling the kettle, filling the basin when you needed to wash dishes, summoning when it was time to water some near-dead plants in your garden, it grew monotonous. You missed summoning waves as tall as the boats Nikolai loved to captain. You missed summoning water to the samovars, drinking the tea that brewed in them as you talked to Tolya and laughed at Zoyas quips. 

“You would?” Nikolai asked. “So then our spat was for nothing?”

You laughed. “Not for nothing,” you said. “If we’d not argued, I never would’ve thought about staying past the six weeks I’m due to spend here. I would’ve enjoyed my time, cried the entire way back to Novyi Zem when I left. I missed you lot every single day. It would’ve gotten worse, and I wouldn’t’ve lasted two months.”

Nikolai laughed as he took off his shoes, rolled his pants up and dipped his feet into the water. He wrapped an arm around your shoulders, let his chin rest against one of them.

“I used to call you my intended back in the day,” he said. “When we were nineteen, I knew that I would marry you. Tolya teased me for it relentlessly.”

“Your intended, Lantsov?” You laughed. “Because you intended to marry me? I resent how sweet that is. If I’m remembering correctly, I used to call you my most beloved.” 

Nikolai smirked. “Oh, and I’m the sweet one?” 

“The most charming, by far.” 

Nikolai shrugged, nodding his agreement as he did. 

Silence passed. It felt familiar, and you realized that it was the same comfortable silence that used to settle over the two of you in the years prior. 

The one that settled as you stood side by side near the prow of whichever boat he’d taken to captaining that time around, the silence that would settle as he wrapped his arms around you and pressed a kiss to your cheek, whispering “I love you” with the same sureness that you saw in his smile. It was the same silence that reminded you that life would not always feel as it did, that there would be a life after the war with the Darkling. You would be reminded that the two of you could make it past that. 

As the silence passed, you realized that you were wrong about it. Your relationship had not survived the war, but that wasn’t to say it could not begin again in the rubble that the war had left behind. 

“May I kiss you?” Nikolai asked as the sunset draped itself across the Ravkan sky. You noticed that it’d become a swirl of shooting reds, pinks, oranges and purples, teal-ish hues and orange spots behind the clouds. 

You let yourself grin. “Please.” 

And then you were adjusting, and Nikolai was moving forward, and his lips were against yours. You were wrapping your arms around his shoulders when you tilted back, laughter on both ends breaking the kiss before it really had the chance to start. 

Nikolai kissed you as you lay on your sides, his lips feeling like something familiar, something that said “welcome home,” in the sweetest intones and with the brightest, warmest smile. It was like being greeted by a lover long lost, which you supposed he was, really.

The two of you pulled away, grinning and breathless as your gazes turned to the sky. 

“I love you. I love you and I have missed you terribly,” he took your hand, interlaced his fingers with yours and kissed the back of it. “Would you, Y/N L/N, my once upon a time intended, do me the honors of staying in Ravka for the duration of the summer and the fall? Would you let me prove myself worthy of taking your hand in marriage?”

You laughed. “When you say it like that, it becomes so utterly undeniable. Of course.” 

Nikolai grinned, asked if you’d like another kiss. When you said yes, he pressed his lips to yours and you kissed him back and you were overjoyed to be able to do it again. He pulled away and the two of you stayed there, laying on the dock, more content than not. 

-

The winter came, and you’d moved into the Grand Palace full time. You once again began to laugh with Genya and Zoya, took interest in David and Nadia’s work in the Materialki workrooms. 

When Os Alta went too far into a drought, you and Zoya worked together and summoned storms that lasted days. 

You and Tamar sparred daily, laughing and talking as you threw your punches. You sparred with Tolya, let him recite his sonnets and read some of your favorite poetry books in the library. 

When the day of your wedding came in early December, it was certainly one of the best days of your life. There was kvas, iced wine, more champagne than you’d ever seen in your lifetime. There was dancing, laughter, an airy kind of contentment having draped itself over the venue. 

Nikolai found himself grinning that night, as you ran your hands along the black-stained fingertips that the beast created by the Darkling left in its wake. His hair looked golden in the lamplight, eyes looking ethereal to match it. He wore his usual self assured, kind smile, a twinge of love draped across his grin.

“You’re no longer my intended,” he said. “You’re my spouse. The person whom I shall rule Ravka alongside.”

You found yourself grinning. “I can’t wait.” 

And then Nikolai was kissing you and you were laughing as you fell back into the bed, contentment and genuine joy flooding and overtaking your every sense. 

Nikolai was the one. Two years ago, you could have argued that he was not, that he may have been the right person but you’d never quite find the right time. There was a right time for your romance, and the middle of a war was not it.

However, you’d done as you hoped. You’d built something from the rubble, and the thing that you’d built would stay strong forevermore. 

[padfootagain]

The Last Ones on Earth (II)

Chapter 2 : A Meeting

Hi everyone! Here is the second chapter for my Darkling series!

I’m going to keep the same structure for the chapters throughout the series, in case you’re wondering about that…

I hope you like it! Let me know what you think!

****

Pairing: The Darkling x reader

Warnings for the series: mentions and depictions of violence and warfare, mentions of trauma

Warnings for the chapter: None

Summary: You and the Darkling are a team, even if no one knows it. Beyond being a team, you are the only one he trusts, and he's the only one you care about, and you're each other's true love. But if you've kept your secrets hidden for a long time, now that the Sun Summoner is fighting against you, it's time to reveal who you are, and what you are capable of...

Word Count: 4333

Masterlist for the series – The Darkling’s Masterlist – Main Masterlist

The chains are heavy around your wrists, but you’re not surprised. You hate being bound though. You were bound before, many times. You hate the feeling of it: the impediment, the feeling of being useless, of having no way to fight. That’s the worst part of it all. Being unable to defend yourself, even if it is to last for a mere moment.

You used to be defenceless; you’re not anymore. You’re too talented for this kind of trap.

If you expected the chains, you’re surprised when you’re guided to a dusty room of an abandoned house, to meet directly with Alina. You thought it would take a little more convincing than that… after all, you barely talked to her at all at the Little Palace, you don’t expect that she would trust you.

You’re even more surprised when you don’t find just Alina in the dimly lit room, but Nikolai Lantsov as well, along with David, Genya, Zoya and Mal Oretsev. What a merry gathering…

David’s head snaps up when he sees you, a mixture of a frown and a smile spreading on his features as he looks up at you.

You like him. He’s kind and dangerously intelligent, although a little too naïve. You’re happy to see him in good health…

“Take a seat,” says Nikolai with a wide smile, one that oozes charm but you’re not fooled.

You oblige nevertheless, resting your bound hands on your laps, hidden under the table. No one objects to your gesture.

The fools…

Your expression remains neutral, but you can see that they don’t expect it. You should be afraid, intimidated by the group before you.

But you’ve lived too long for that. And today, many masks will have to fall.

“I’m sorry about the chains,” Alina finally spoke. “We just need to make sure that you’re really on our side before letting you go as you please around this place.”

“I understand,” you reassure her.

Everyone, except for Mal, is sitting around the same round table, just as you are: Alina directly before you, Nikolai and Zoya by her sides. Behind Alina, Mal’s figure hovers, a grim look on his face. You guess he’s trying to look threatening, he looks rather ridiculous in comparison to what you can look like if you want to. Genya and David are sitting next to Zoya. They’re all clustered around the other half of the table though, letting a safe distance separate you from the group.

It will take more than that to save their skins if you decide to kill them.

“David told us that you’re a Durast,” Nikolai speaks, studying you carefully. “Why aren’t you wearing a purple kefta then?”

“Ravka is not particularly safe for Grisha these days, in case you haven’t noticed,” you answer with a humourless smile. “Traveling as an otkazat’sya is much safer.”

“Blame the Darkling for that,” mumbles Zoya.

“Oh, I’m sure you do.”

All of them look at you with a frown. They focus on your words, on your expression that’s still coldly neutral. They don’t notice the way your fingers move under the table. The leather of your gloves moves in perfect sync with your fingers, you’ve made these to fit your hands to perfection, like a second skin. Fabrikator made. And made by you, of all people. No one but Aleksander really knows what that means though. No one knows why you never take these gloves off either. You remember many of the stories that ran though the corridors and bedchambers of the Little Palace along the years: a strange hereditary sickness, old burns from an experiment that went sour, some even thought your hands weren’t real, that you had been born handless and had built prosthetics instead. All ideas more ridiculous than the other, and none of them being anywhere near the truth. Good. It made you unimportant in the Little Palace, and that is probably why no one notices the way your fingers dance under the table, why no one asks to see your hands now. Why would they? They don’t have the kind of powers you do, anyway.

“You said that you had escaped the Darkling. How did you do it?” Alina asks, tilting her head a little to the side, narrowing her eyes at you, studying your reaction.

But you smile, because it took you but a few seconds to use your powers. No need to stall.

“I didn’t. I’m here to talk to you, on his behalf.”

They all lean back at that, in what you recognize as fear. You smile. Aleksander most definitely succeeded at making them see him as the villain…

“Did he send you here to kill us?” Genya asks, and you can hear in her voice that she’s trying to reach a firm tone, but fails, her voice remains unsteady.

“Not necessarily,” you shrug, genuinely unbothered by the prospect of killing everyone in the room. “It will depend on how the negotiations will go.”

“So, if we don’t yield, you’ll try to kill us? These are very poor terms for negotiations,” Nikolai complains.

But Mal chuckles, and you raise a surprised eyebrow at that.

“You use threats, when you are alone here, your hands bound. You are powerless,” he points out.

You give him a toothy grin, it looks thirsty for blood, and you kind of are. He pisses you off. You almost long to cut his throat. Almost.

“Poor me,” is all you answer.

Meanwhile, your fingers continue their silent dance under the table. And all of them are fooled.

And you reckon that the long years spent sacrificing a part of your intimacy with Aleksander are worth it. Because no one knows who you are, what you are truly capable of. And so, no one thinks that you are a real threat. They don’t pay attention to the slight hissing sound of metal moving near the doorframe, or the light thud noise coming from the corridor, or the barely audible click ringing near your wrists.

You were right to remain hidden for years. It pays off now.

“So, what do you have to negotiate? Your surrender?” offers Nikolai, and you chuckle with him when you catch his eyes.

You like him. He’s more eager for power than he pretends to be, like everyone is, like Alina, like Aleksander… but he’s nice enough. He’s be a better king than his supposed-father, you have no real doubt about that.

“I’m afraid not. Although, I will gladly accept yours,” you answer in the same humorous tone, and Nikolai is impressed, even though he won’t admit it.

“As Mal pointed out, you don’t exactly have the upper-hand here. Our men are patrolling the area, they’ve confirmed that you’ve come here alone.”

“Indeed, there’s no one else. And there won’t be.”

“So… the Darkling sent you to your death, and you accepted?” Zoya asked, mocking you.

And you’ve never been fond of her, but you pity her more than anything else. She has much to learn still.

“I can handle myself perfectly well,” you give her a smile. “Besides, this was my idea.”

“Your idea? Does the Darkling even know you’re here?”

“Of course, he does. We’re a team, he and I. We have been so, for a long time.”

And Alina seems to realize something. A flash of understanding passes through her features, and you almost feel sorry for her. She really doesn’t understand a thing…

“Maeve, the Darkling manipulates everyone. And he might have made you feel like you’re special, but you’re not. Not to him. I know what it feels like, it was not your fault. He used this on me too, and I almost fell for it.”

Maeve. It’s the name you’re wearing these days. You’re used to it, enough so to react as if it were your own. It isn’t. It tastes bitter on your tongue every time you have to speak it to introduce yourself. But the only ones who know your true identity are Baghra and Aleksander. No one else.

They’ve taken even that from you. Even your name…

“You did fall for it,” you correct her with a disgusted wince. “I can’t believe you did, he wasn’t even subtle about it.”

She frowns at that.

“You knew he was…” her voice trails off, as if she couldn’t bring herself to speak the words.

“Seducing you?” you complete her sentence for her, and she winces but doesn’t deny it. “Of course, I did. It was plan A. But Baghra got us in trouble, again. Is she alright, by the way? I heard she was with you. Is she unharmed?”

“Are you really worried about Baghra?” Genya asks, puzzled.

“Yes, I am. Is she alright?”

“She’s fine,” Alina answers in a glare.

“Good. I’m sure she drives you all crazy. Keep you on your toes.”

“You said that the Darkling manipulating Alina was ‘plan A’,” said Nikolai, pulling the conversation back on track. “So what is plan B, then?”

“This. This is plan B.”

Nikolai can’t hold back a laugh.

“You surrendering to us, chained, and trying to talk your way out of a genocide… this is plan B?”

“Well, when you say it like that, it’s not that appealing, I’ll admit.”

During the whole conversation, David has been staring at you, clearly puzzled, trying to make sense of what is happening. You reckon it’s the longest he’s ever stared at someone in his life. He remains silent though.

But Genya seems to notice the way you glance over at your fellow Durast, with genuine fondness, and she frowns at the sight, distorting a little more her scarred features.

You feel sorry for her at the sight. She suffered too much to deserve that. You didn’t approve Aleksander’s decisions when it came to Genya. You reckon he has failed her, and so in a way, you did too.

“When you arrived here, David said that he knew you well. That you were nice to him. That you were a friend.”

“He is my friend.”

“And you’re on the Darkling’s side?”

You heave a sigh at that.

“There is no other side to choose from, Genya. We’ve tried. Many times. It never works. The Fold is the only thing we haven’t tried yet.”

“To do what? Kill everyone?” Mal breathes through gritted teeth.

“To protect the Grisha,” you answer in a cold tone.

You lean over the table, but keep your hands hidden on your lap. You stare at this boy, who looks at you as if he knew everything better than you do. He is so young. He is but a drop of water in the flowing river of time. You’ve seen hundreds, thousands of boys like him before. They’re always wrong.

“What happens in your righteous plan? Once the Fold is destroyed, and the Darkling is dead? You try to rebuild Ravka with Nikolai as a King, I suppose. Alina must reach martyrdom if she wants to be a saint, so she’s out of the picture the second the Fold no longer exists, whether she might be truly dead or in hiding. And what happens next? You build a new Second Army? And then what?”

“We can make Ravka better,” Alina argues. “We can make it a safe place for Grisha.”

“People don’t change so fast, Alina,” you shake your head. “Your politics might change, but the people won’t. They’ll keep on slaughtering us, the way they always have, at any given occasion. And what do you do about Fjerda in your brilliant plan? About the Grisha who are burnt alive like witches? About the Shu Han who dissect us alive in the name of science? About the Kerch who buy us as slaves? About the Grisha taken from their family in the Isles to be sold? What do you do about them, in your great plan?”

“What did the Darkling do about them?” she answers out of spite.

“Not much,” you admit. “Not nearly enough. That’s why we need the Fold. Because then, it’s not only Ravka who will be frightened, it’s the entire world.”

“Grisha don’t survive the Fold more than otkazat’sya do.”

“That’s not the point. The point is not to commit a genocide, the point is to have a weapon powerful enough to commit one.”

“What about the villages you’ve destroyed then?” Zoya asks, and you know that her voice trembles because of the family she lost in one of the movements of the Fold. “What about the families you’ve slaughtered, the innocents, the children.”

But you’ve heard that argument before, and she’s surprised when you’re genuinely unmoved by it.

The fools…

“How many children are killed every year because they are Grisha? Have you ever tried to make a count of that, Zoya? I’m not particularly moved by your argument, indeed. I’ve seen too much death for that.”

“So you want revenge,” Alina says, more of a statement than a question, and you don’t like the way her tone is judgemental, almost disdainful.

You laugh at her. A full-on laugh.

“Ha, little Saint,” you mock, and she’s taken aback by your words and your tone. “You are very naïve. That was the whole problem, you see? The Darkling thought you were too young, too innocent, to understand what needs to be done, and I agreed, but I still thought that telling you the truth would help. He thought it was useless, and that manipulation would be more efficient.”

“I’m not so naïve,” she answers, clenching her jaw, a look of defiance in her gaze, and you notice the way the others see it as bravery. It isn’t though. It’s just pride.

“You’re running around the country looking for amplifiers, because you crave for power, more than you are willing to admit even to yourself. That’s the game you’re playing, Alina. Power calls for power. Once you’ve had a taste of it, you can never have enough.”

“You sound like Baghra.”

“I’ve had many years to hear all about her mantras. Do not think yourself so above me, Alina. You’re young, it makes you eager and candid. It doesn’t make you righteous.”

You heave a sigh, leaning back into your chair.

“I still believe that we can make an alliance. We’ll go my way this time: I’ll tell you everything, we can negotiate terms, and we can work together to make sure that the Fold is properly used, and that no one will ever die simply because they were born Grisha ever again.”

“There will be no negotiations when it comes to the destruction of the Fold,” argues Nikolai, his tone firm, decisive.

“It won’t work without it. We’ll be back to square one, all over again,” you argue. “We’ll be back with a King on the Throne for whom we are not a priority, and with all our neighbouring countries happily slaughtering us all or making us their pretty toys to play with like pets ready for a parade. We need the Fold. We need its potential destruction to ensure that it will stop. Only when our societies are changed will we be able to get rid of it, but it will take centuries to do so. And while we wait, we need insurance. And that’s what the Fold is about.”

“You have little faith in people,” Nikolai points out.

You chuckle at that.

“I do. They haven’t proven me wrong, so far, either.”

But Mal is getting impatient, annoyed even. He shakes his head.

“This is ridiculous. We will get nowhere with this.”

Alina heaves a sigh.

“It’s late, let’s talk tomorrow morning.”

But you shake your head, shooting them a grin.

“I’m afraid no one is leaving this room before we’ve reached an agreement. Or… at the very least, we have fully debated our options.”

“Should we truly remind you who is in chains right now?” Zoya asks, rolling her eyes.

But she’s taken aback when you laugh at her.

“Oh, you mean… these chains?”

You lift your hands above the table, at long last, carrying the heavy metallic chains so that all can see that you are free of them.

They all stare at you, cautious now. You see Mal’s hand moving towards the gun at his side.

“Have I ever told you that I am an incredibly powerful Durast?” you speak as you lower the chains to put them on the table, keeping your free hands on display to make sure that they see that they are unbound, but also to show them that you are not using your powers for now. “I don’t need my hands to touch to use my powers anymore. I don’t even need my hands at all, if I focus enough, but it is pretty tiring.”

“How did you get that kind of power?” Genya asks, her voice shaking.

“I was born with it,” you answer matter-of-factly.

Mal’s fingers close on his weapon, and you shake your head, resting your chin on both your hands.

“Oretsev, I’m not stupid. I’ve made sure that no weapon in this room is usable anymore. No need to reach for your gun. It won’t do you any good. Besides, I would prefer if we could discuss all this like responsible adults, sitting casually around this table, but I will bound all of you to your chairs if I need to. I will barely need a second to do so. So, please, don’t tempt me too much.”

“That’s enough,” Alina stands up, angry now, and you let her stride towards the door. But she struggles against the doorknob, and it doesn’t budge.

“No need to tire yourself out, I’ve locked the door,” you explain. “Even David is not powerful enough to open it. Oh, and there’s no need to try and call for the two guards stationed at the door either. I’ve killed them both.”

All around the table look at you with round eyes.

You smile at them.

The fools…

“You would be surprised how easy it is to kill someone with something as small as a brass button.”

You turn around to look at Alina, who is still standing, aghast, by the door.

“Now, can we start truly talking? Or do I really need to tie your arse to a chair?”

Three weeks earlier

An abandoned house near Adena

“We have talked about this a hundred times. You are not fighting anymore.”

His voice was colder than usual that night. Because he was tired, because he was in pain, because he was worried. And there you were, bringing back this same debate you had gone through so many times before…

“I’m probably the most powerful Grisha here, right after you. And you’re not even considering using my abilities…”

“You are not fighting, Y/N. End of story.”

But you shook your head, crossing your arms before your chest. He was wearing his commanding voice now, the one he used as a general. But you were not a mere soldier in his obedient army, and he knew it. He wasn’t surprised when you stood straighter, when you glared at him.

There was so much fire in you. He had always loved that about you, the passion burning behind your eyes, always mingled with something softer, tender almost.

It was tainted with sorrow and rage now, but he still found the same glint he adored. Seeing a trace of it was enough. You had changed, and he couldn’t blame you. He had changed tremendously as well…

“This is ridiculous. You are being stubborn,” you argued.

And any other night, he would have raised his voice, and gotten mad at you, but he didn’t. He didn’t, because he was tired, because he was in pain, because he was worried. If he were to be honest with himself, he would even admit that he was afraid. And at that moment, he didn’t need to argue with you. He needed to be with you, just for a moment.

You frowned when he didn’t answer, merely staring at you. He had used his nichevo’ya during the day, while you raided an encampment filled with Grisha prisoners. You knew it cost him much to summon them, although, you weren’t sure how much. These were uncharted territories. A new way of using his powers that even you couldn’t fully comprehend.

Slowly, you let your arms fall to your sides, a frown remaining on your brow, but it grew out of worry now.

“Aleksander? Are you alright?”

“Of course. Why do you ask?”

“You didn’t answer.”

“And?”

“You’re not the type to let anyone have the last word in any conversation.”

He smiled at that, his gesture fond, as he held out his hand to you.

It was the middle of the afternoon. Neither of you had changed clothes after the raid. You were dirty, sweaty, covered with dust, ashes, the harsh smell of smoke still glued to your skins. Still, you stepped into his embrace the second he opened his arms for you.

You smelled of fire, of fear, of blood. He had to breathe too deeply to finally catch your scent: lilac, pine trees, a river running through a summer afternoon…

“Are you in pain?” you asked him, voice gentle now, as you soothingly rubbed your hands up and down his back.

He nodded.

“Do you want me to call for a Healer?” you asked next, but he shook his head.

“I just want to rest,” he admitted. “And I want you to be safe.”

“Aleks…”

“No, please, listen to me…”

“I am one of the most powerful Durasts who ever existed, and we’re wasting my powers by keeping me in this house.”

“Do you have any idea how terrified I was when I saw you there? When I saw you fighting?”

“I can fight.”

“I know you can. That is not the point.”

He held your face in both his hands.

“You are the most powerful Durast who has ever lived,” he spoke, voice low and deep and genuine under his intense gaze. “You could kill me without moving a finger. That is not the point. I know you can fight. But I am terrified whenever you do. I need you, do you understand?”

“Of course, I do. I need you as well. But this… love, we don’t have time for this. We can’t be as cautious as we usually are.”

“If we win, and you’re not here anymore, it would all have been for nothing to me.”

“Don’t say that… it will still help the Grisha…”

“But it won’t help you. You need to stop fighting. You need to stop…”

“I won’t stop.”

“Y/N… darling…”

“No, Aleks. I can take care of myself. You will not change my mind. I’ll keep fighting. Until we’re done with Alina and the others, I’ll keep fighting. Just like we used to. Together.”

He heaved a sigh. Painful, slow, but you knew you had won all the same.

“As you wish. But if you die, I’ll destroy everything in Ravka. You are warned.”

You knew he was serious, you knew he would do it. He loved you enough for that, just like he loved you enough to listen to you when you calmed him down.

You nodded, holding him tightly again.

“We need to deal with Alina and her tracker,” you breathed against his shoulder, the kefta ripped over his collarbone because of a bullet it stopped that morning during the raid. You could still smell gunpowder on his clothes.

“And Lantsov as well. The pup is back, probably looking for our blood.”

“Probably. Or well, yours more than mine. He has no idea who I am. But you’re insufferable enough for the entirety of Ravka to try and get your head.”

He chuckled, the sound deep, like thunder rolling on a summer evening.

“Insufferable? Really?”

“Indeed.”

“Even to you? Even after all this time?”

“Hmm… now you know how much I love you.”

You brushed your nose across his cheek, his beard tickling you; the gesture tender, intimate.

“How do you propose we deal with Alina Starkov?” you asked him after a long pause.

“I can still call for her, we are still bound together. I can still try to control her from afar. But I doubt it will be enough.”

“We should talk to her. Tell her what will happen if we don’t do this. There is no other way, she must see that.”

“I’ve tried to convince her…”

“But I haven’t.”

He frowned, pulling away enough to look at you, study your features with great care.

“You want to go and talk to her? That would be too much of a risk.”

“They have no idea what I’m capable of. I can lie, tell her that I want to turn against you. That I have information. She’ll see me. David is there, and we were close friends before all this, he’ll convince her. I’ll talk to her.”

“And if she doesn’t listen?”

You shrugged.

“We’ll see. But we don’t need her help to control her powers. I’ll work on that. If she is too stubborn, we can still use the stag’s bones again, only, in a different way. I have a few theories about that.”

Slowly, he nodded.

“We’ll discuss this later. I am too tired to take such a decision now. My head is not clear enough to weigh our options.”

You ran a hand through his hair, and he couldn’t help the way he closed his eyes under your touch, relaxing as soon as your fingers brushed across his hair.

“But then again, you are the most powerful Durast who has ever lived,” he repeated himself. “If there is anyone who can solve our problem with the Sun Summoner, it’s you, my darling.”

“It can wait until tomorrow morning though,” you pleaded. “For tonight, what about a bath together? We haven’t had one of those in a long time.”

He grinned, you had not seen him smile so much in what felt like years.

“That sounds perfect, darling.”

************************************

@wolfmoonmusic @reg-arcturus-black @sayumiht

[where-theres-smoak-2]

What did you think about the scene where Aleks used the tether to visit Alina while she was sleeping? I got very Gothic Romance vibes. Obviously, it wasn't ideal for Aleks to be in her bedroom without her knowledge or consent, but at the same time he didn't take any liberties. He caressed the shape of her body without directly touching her. It was almost like you saw both the Dark & Light sides of Aleks at work. He was far bolder than S1, but he still managed to not cross any major lines by keeping his hands to himself.

Gothic Romance vibes for sure. It actually kind of reminded me of twilight and that scene where bella finds out that edward has been coming to her room while she slept for the last couple of months and he says 'I like to watch you sleep'. You're kind of left trying to figure out if that is romantic or creepy. I think the reason it seems a bit creepy is because its that idea of someone being in your room, whilst you are in the vulnerable state of sleep, without you being aware of it, in the same way someone who may wish you harm may break in, like an intruder, stalker or killer. As you said its that kind of grey area where he is in her room without her knowledge and consent and at a time where she is vulnerable, which obviously isn't great, but I also don't think he has gone there with any intentions to harm. As you pointed out he caresses the shape of her body, showing that he longs and aches for that touch but he doesn't actually touch her, he won't cross that line.

I think the context of the scene is important as well, I mentioned this in another post, but Aleks visits Alina in her sleep twice and both times it is right after he has gotten bad news and is clearly spiralling, he goes to see Alina as a way of calming down, of grounding himself. But lets talk about this particular scene where he caresses the shape of her body, the first time he goes to see her. Right before this he had just learnt that david had stolen the morozova journal as well as any hope he has of understanding his condition, ie the nichevo'ya and how they are poisoning him and how he can't fully control them, as we learn in the finale. So when faced with this reality where he is dying and the one source of information that may help him is gone his instinct is to go to Alina, she is a source of comfort to him and what he says during that scene is important to, that one day she'll realise the truth and that when she does she'll come back to him where he'll be waiting with open arms. He is clinging to this dream and using it as a way of keeping himself going. But I also don't think it is all about the fact that the merzost is killing him, its about the fact that he can't control the nichevo'ya and I think he is scared that they'll harm Alina, so visiting her also allows him to reassure himself that she is safe.

A little detail I noticed in the scene when he visits her while she sleeps the second time, this is after he has discovered Baghra and Genya escaped, is that he reaches out to her and begins to move closer to her with his hand outstretched but then the merzost veins appear on his throat and then on his hand and he quickly pulls out of the tether and the veins fade. He then has a conversation with Fruzsi his tidemaker and he is instructing her to keep searching for Alina despite it not being the most strategic move. But he also talks about how she is with Nikolai, this is something he seems distressed about and at first I didn't think much of it, but then I remembered the scene in 2x04 where Aleks lures Alina away from the fighting because he wants to keep her safe. He says that the nichevo'ya are targeting the Lantsovs and that they can be unpredictable. Which makes Aleks now being stressed that Alina is with Nikolai make alot of sense, he is worried the nichevo'ya will attack Nikolai and that Alina will get hurt in the process as they may see her as a threat as well, it is at the mention of Nikolai and the sun summoner that the nichevo'ya begin to appear in the scene where he is talking to his tidemaker, after all, almost like their names triggered them. I think Aleks wants Alina found so that he can keep her somewhere safe and know that the nichevo'ya haven't harmed her.

As for why he may be visiting her in her asleep as opposed to when she is awake like he has when using the tether at other times, I think it comes back to that comfort thing. He's feeling unhinged and angry and betrayed and like his grip on the nichevo'ya is slipping and so he wants, needs, to see Alina so he can feel a moment of peace, by going to her when she is asleep he can see her without also having to be met by her anger, without the betrayal and hurt he'll see in her eyes if he were to visit her while she is awake. These visits are because Alina is Aleks' peace, which I do think is romantic.

[justanotherfanaccount]

shadow and bone s2e4 reaction

everyone's reactions to the engagement 😳

zoyas back to herself hahah

bitch ass...she is not ruined (she is ruination)

damn...openly kissing right after your engagement announcement?? 👀 yes...I see nothing going wrong

ope...guess who was right and who's brother saw that!!

what is this boy doing??? (baghras finger) God damn

they really made baghra a better (nicer) person in this version though...

"it'll give me some comfort to know you're with me" is the nicest thing kaz can say hahaha

"if the plan goes awry" ...book kaz's plans never go awry...they just turn into plan f

"kinda like your face" IS THAT THE RIP-OFF "maybe I liked your stupid face" !?!?! IT BETTER NOT BE

ok jesper guessing what kaz is gonna say was amazing top notch quality...one of my new favorite moments

...this is also crooked kingdom...(the costumes)...it SCARES ME

...ope...nina is in this plan...she might ruin it (she hasn't really been a CROW yet...she cares more about Matthias at the moment and Pekka can give her that)

anndd...that happened sooner than I expected

it took kaz almost a whole book to forgive jesper for ACCIDENTALLY telling people they were leaving town...idk how he's gonna forgive nina for PURPOSELY doing this

love alina learning the cut...get it girl

also Tamar and Nadias chemistry 👀👀 I see you (ps Tamar is so gorgeous how do I focus with her on screen 😭)

David's actor is so good! the pain in his voice when he mentions genya 🥺🥺

"I share no bond with kirigan" 😳 girl is done with him

"it's a little unsettling how you talk about him like he's someone else" get it mal! I love that line

please be a kaz plan please be a kaz plan please be a kaz plan please be a kaz plan

inej saving the people on the ship 😭😭 I love her so much

again I say...please be a kaz plan please be a kaz plan... how else does he forgive nina?

this is literally crooked kingdom...the fake plague?

YES ITS A KAZ PLAAANNN

I KNEW IT I LOVE KAZ PLANS

wylan 🥰 (it was such a short scene...I just love him)

jesper in his costume brooo

hell yeah I love crazy kaz

"you'll never find your son in time" badass shit

start begging Pekka. start begging.

honestly...not mad that they moved this plot up sooner cuz there is still a lot that happens in six of crows and crooked kingdom with van eck and the ice court...this gets Pekka out of the way

aahhhhhh freddy is an amazing kaz!!!!

right after his big Pekka throw down he looks at jesper and nina like he was ashamed he learned his secret and it just ahhhhh

tolya and his poetry hahaha loovee

damn nikolais brother whose name I forgot! rude!

Vasily...it was said

ew...don't kiss her hand vasily...nasty

his son being okay gets me though 🥺 the little boy didn't do anything wrong and kaz knows that

"you could come with me" for being so good at flirting with everyone...i love how bad he is at it with the people he actually likes

"I can't make you any promises, or predict what might happen between us. but I can tell you that, I'd like to find out." CRIES 😭😭

ok imma be honest...I got a bit of wesper in e4 spoiled for me because I opened tumblr and THERE IT WAS and was SO UPSET because I love their slow burn

it just seems like they rushed it...they barely know each other...GIVE ME MY SLOW BURN

but also this scene is really cute

BUT WHY WE MOVING SO FUCKING FAST BRO

...I went back and rewatched the scene because as I said in a previous post...I always rewatch wylan scenes and

WYLANS LITTLE TURNED AWAY SMILE AFTER JESPERS SPEECH OMGGG HES SO ADORABLE

kaz being mad at inej but just because he was worried about her 🥺

"weak link" this bitch is so bad at feelings...we all know you love her

I just know that if we could see in his head like the books he'd be yelling at himself

I love nikolai "wear it that is...not punch me"

this scene is like word for word! love!

Vasily gives me slimey vibbeess

I'm so excited for this scene

AND HERE WE GO

BRO WAS LITERALLY RIPPED IN TWO

darkling really just walked past alina like 🚶‍♂️

I love the darklina scenes thouggghh they're done so well to the book!!

is it bad to say that I expected genya to be...worse than she is??? 👀

like girl was described as missing an eye and basically looking almost non-humanlike due to the torture she endured

but now she has like some scratches on her face

"do you see him?" 👀 same alina...same

(imma just put this here in my small shameful way but...the darkling looks really hot when he's trembling with anger 😗...)

[sharpestasp]

Shadow and Bone S2E3

Episode 3

Alina - Feeling cocky. Alina is not coping well with the air. And she's going to try to defeat the Fold. But she lost it, doubt placed in her, or just not strong enough? Alina, you are so naive. She's aware of her failure. Do What Is Right. GOOD ALINA!

Mal - Being protective. Trying to ground Alina enough for her to do it. Mal is great. A good general in the making? Maybe. If he can get the personal out of the way of using that fine brain. OH. Please, yes? ADVISE HER! GO MAL. YES! Also, threesome please.

Sturmhond - Nice airship. He's a very good inventor. Into the fold we go, so the ship cannot go above it. DAMN. Hard landing, but he asks if everyone is okay first? I am loving this white boy. SO thankful he reached a soldier loyal to him. And he is so SAVVY. I love this man, jumping straight to a wedding?

Tolya - Wants luxury. They are a damn fine battle pair, he and Tamar.

Tamar - Wants to hunt. And here comes the army; her face as Sturmhond is revealed.

Kaz - So Asshole Mode. More flashback, yay. Who is the girl? Him actually SEEING Inej's injuries gets the truth, and he comes to help. Oh this is going to be BEAUTIFUL against the Dregs. Come on, Kaz… Gorgeous. He just dusted Per so hard. Oh he knows about the son.

Inej - Inej… what are you doing? And she is back. With intel. And OH she is not happy with Kaz. But when she knows, she commits. She also pushes her luck, but Nina intruded. Oh. She's after Mogens on her own. I feel bad for her, knowing she has to kill him. OOH, Lost Boys moment. OH BABY. Praying over him.

Jesper - Calling out Kaz. He's very angry. He really is more than a pretty face, working out this part of it. OH. Him using his power. He is SO falling for Wylan as Wylan plays. So is Jesper, trying to get him to back out.

Wylan - Accidentally triggering Kaz with mention of the floated bodies. He really doesn't want to sneak in. And we get backstory snippets, again. Comes up with a cover story. And now the piano scene… nice. He is a Good Heart. Poor Wylan! He's trying to save the boy.

Nina - Nina is solid in her resolve. She is trying so hard to help, even though you know she JUST wants Matthias to be free. And she is going to have to see the fight. OH FUCK. Pekka has her. Okay, Nina, what do you do?

Matthias - He's mucking a cell. And finding out what fate awaits him. Oh, he sees the dogs! His reaction to them! And trying to be kind to them. OH NO. Do you have to take the blows to get to the right mindset/ability? Berserker? Is that what a Druskelle is? I think so. And he does not want anything to do with that man.

Genya - She's trying to protect David, and he protects her instead. Ready to act! OH FUCK! She is so scared. GODS that poor woman.

David - taken into Kirigan's need immediately, but I think he's working his own ideas too. Oh he is Genya's in his soul. He is so scared. RUN! GO DAVID! YOU ARE SO BRAVE.

Kirigan - Talking to mummy dearest. "Tidemaker" for the one that held Baghra. He's obsessed with Alina, I think. And he knows Alina is moving again. OH YOU FUCKING BASTARD. Such a bastard. And he lost it! If the bridge is tainting him, as David said… can Alina use that against him?

Baghra - Coming to see how she fucked up, being pointed in telling it. The Firebird is known to Baghra? Is she lying about not? I am curious about her story. Should I read that?

NADIA!!!! - Nice to see her. And she has a brother, Adrik.

ZOYA!!! - MY HEART. She told Alina to knock it off! I love her.

[bey0nd-1he-stars]

Mistakes - Nikolai Lantsov

Masterlist

Pairing: Nikolai Lantsov x reader

Wordcount: 1413

Warnings: anxiety, crying (not much), mentions of death, I think that’s it.

Summary: After Nikolai helped to reach a solution regarding the allegations made towards each other by the king and Genya, Nikolai doubts himself, wondering if he did the right thing.

The grand walls of The spinning wheel stood proud around you. Your shoes made a clinking sound with each step you took. With hurried steps you steered yourself towards the room where you knew the king would be confronting Genya about her treason. Nikolai had told you that he would be there too, but you had a bit paperwork that needed to be done. But now when you had finished you decided to walk down stairs to see how things where holding up.

Down the stairs you met the king and the queen. Neither of them seemed very pleased with the outcome of the meeting, but gave you a respectful nod as you stopped by and gave them a quick courtesy.

“Miss y/l/n,” the king greeted politely, voice strained and with a rather irritated expression resting upon his features.

“Moi tsar,” you greeted, then locked eyes with the queen,”moya tsaritsa.” The queen gave you a short nod but kept quiet.

“Is everything alright, moi tsar,” you asked, shifting on your heels. The king snorted and spit out his answer, “go talk some sense in that boy. You’re probably the only one he’ll listen too.” You raised your eyebrows, silently asking what had happened, but the king didn’t seem to catch the meaning behind the gesture. You sighted and looked away, shifting your gaze to Alina, Genya and David who slipped out of the room behind the king and the queen. You caught a glimpse of Nikolai before the doors shut, slumped back on his drafting table and with his head in his hands. You sighted softly, then turned you eyes back to the king.

“I’ll talk to him. But I can’t promise that the outcome of it will be any different,” you gave him a short nod and walked past them. Alina, Genya and David were the next ones you met up with. David had his arm wrapped around Genya’s waist and she was slightly leaning against him. But her eyes were focused on Alina as she talked quietly.

“How’d it go?” You asked and threw a glance over you shoulder towards the king and the queen,”those two didn’t seem overjoyed.”

Genya sighted but gave you a small smile,”I’ll face my charges when this war is over and Nikolai will determine if I’m pardoned or not. And the king is resigning and leaving the country.” The chock that went through your body was milder than you thought it would be. Instead, worry struck you. That’s why Nikolai had looked so miserable sitting at the table in that room; he doubted his choices and he doubted if he’d done the right thing.

“Sounds good enough,” you gave Genya a smile and she nodded along with you. “But I do have to check up on Nikolai, I’ll talk to you three later,” you excused yourself and set off towards the door behind them. They waved shortly and set off towards the stairs.

Carefully you opened the door and stepped inside. The door shut close behind you without making a sound. Nikolai sat slumped back on the table, his back bent and his head in his hands. All the signs of that strong, confident leader was gone for the moment and left was just… Nikolai. With careful steps you made your way towards him. He didn’t look up, but you knew he noticed your presence and he knew that it was you. When you reached him you carefully pulled a hand though his soft, blond mop of hair and he let out a breath and fell against you, burying his head against your neck. His nose rested just above your collarbones and his arms snaked around your waist. You wrapped your arms around his shoulders and one hand came to rest in his hair, tugging softly at it.

“Tell me about it,” you said softly. Nikolai let out a shaky breath and tightened his hold on you.

“I told my father to leave. Leave the throne. The spinning wheel. The country. To leave for the colonies. Or he would face trial and if he were found guilty, which I know he would’ve, I would see him hang. But now, I can’t help but wonder if I just made one of the biggest mistake of my life,” his voice was muffled and quiet, unsure and questioning, and his tone changed when he spoke up again,”am I… a horrible person, Y/N?” You pressed a kiss at his hairline and your hand made comforting strokes over his back. Your lips lingered at his forehead and Nikolai closed his eyes, letting himself fall into your comforting embrace.

“No, you’re just wonderful, Nikolai,” you reassured him and pressed another kiss against his forehead. Nikolai let out a shaky breath, the hot air fanning over your neck.

“Are you.. are you sure? I feel as if I’m awful. Father even said it out loud, that I’m horrible, in front of everyone,” he almost complained and his voice was broken. His breathing was uneven and his hands fidgeted with your hair that fell down your back. Anxiety flooded through his body, spreading as if it was carried by the blood.

“Oh Nik…” you softly mumbled, slightly rocking back and forth in an attempt in comforting him further. “You’re not a horrible person. You’re just wonderful. You’re always thinking about what’s best for everybody else. You’re never letting anyone down. So please, don’t let yourself down because you’re prioritising everybody else,” your voice was just a whisper but Nikolai heard the words clear as a day.

“But what if did it all wrong? I basically forced my father to resign and leave. And what’s next? I’m to be king,” he breathed out, eyes looking up at you, worry covering his features. “Do you think I can do that. Do you think I’ll be a good king?” the question sounded like it would come from a teenager but Nikolai wasn’t much older. And his anxiety made him question everything.

“I know that you’ll be absolutely wonderful as king, my love,” you reassured him and gave him a soft smile. His worry seamed to fade a bit and he leant back into your arms.

“I may still have made a huge mistake… what if I did it wrong?” he sounded defeated and a few tears had gathered in his hazel eyes.

“Then that its. It’s not the mistake that matters, my love. It’s what you do with it afterwards and what you learn from it,” the words were just whispers but Nikolai took them to heart. His arms tightened around your waist and he pressed a soft kiss to your neck, a few tears rolled down his cheeks, but he let them. They fell down on your shirt but you didn’t mind.

”Will you be there?” he asked softly, looking up to meet your eyes. An almost begging smile on his lips. You let out a soft chuckle, “where?” you could guess the answer to that question but you wanted to hear it from Nikolai.

“When I become king. Will you be there?” his voice was still broken and it was just whispers,”will you be my queen?” it wasn’t much of a proposal, you standing there with Nikolai in your arms in an empty room, comforting him through his waves of anxiety. But it was your Nikolai. Your Nikolai who you loved endlessly, he was trusting you with the ravkan dubble eagle crown. He was trusting you to take care of his beloved country, like you always took care of him. And how could you say no to him. So you smiled and nodded,”of course I’ll be there. I’ll be there for as long as you’ll have me.” A real smile broke out on his lips and he took your face in his hands and pressed a gentle but passionate kiss to your lips. When you two broke away, lips swollen and out of breath, happiness shined in his eyes just as it did in yours.

“Choosing you certainly isn’t a mistake,” Nikolai laughed softly. Adoration in his eyes, his gentle gaze resting upon your features. “Thank you,” he breathed out. You nodded in return, pulling a hand through his curls and messing them up a bit, giving him a more relaxed look.

“Of course, love,” you replied with a soft smile,”and for the record, I don’t think sending your father away was a mistake either. You’ll be a great king. And I’m honored to be your queen.”

[xsamsharons]

come here often? - n. lantsov

pairing: nikolai lantsov x healer!reader.

genre/warning: fluff. mentions of injuries.

words: 1.6k

summary: in which nikolai and you aren't really close, until he falls on his face and you fall in love.

It was a rather slow night considering you were working as the main healer aboard a ship that had the prince of Ravka as its captain and also counted the three leaders of the grisha triumvirate as part of the crew. Night after night, people would come in though the makeshift hospital David had built into your room for you, injured by the weirdest things you would ever imagine, and go back out to no doubt keep endangering their lives on behalf of their country. Now, you were not saying that fighting for your country was an dishonorable thing to do, the opposite actually, but for the life of you, you just couldn’t seem to understand how someone could possibly willingly jump off a ship and into an ocean filled with monsters and mythical creatures, and not expect any injuries.

Speaking of, as of right now you found yourself attending the injuries of none other but the captain himself, he looked like he hadn’t slept in ages, and reeked of sea water and sweat. The first time you had met him you had been extremely nervous about actually using your powers on him, after all, you didn’t wanna be known as the healer who had permanently injured the future king. That day you had learned that Nikolai became pretty delirious every time he was suffering from physical pain given as he had had a broken nose and damaged rib, but he had claimed that ‘the other guy had it worse’. This would’ve be a normal enough to say, except in this case, the ‘other guy’ was an ancient mythical being that has been believed to only exist in Ravkan’s passed down stories. Ever since then, he has been ending up in your room almost every night, and with your unfortunate luck, he always seemed to arrive right in your shifts.

His face was framed by messy strands that had fallen from his red tailored hair, and on his chest were displayed a couple of gold necklaces that matched the buttons of his red coat. He had been talking to you and distracting you from your work ever since he arrived, and to make matters worse, he had to rest on one of the beds in your room all night just in case the fall he had taken on his face somehow caused more damage than you had originally thought.

“So, you come here often?” he asked with a crooked smirk and wandering eyes.

“You mean my room? Where I work?” you answered, rolling your eyes when he nodded his head and raised his eyebrows, implying it was a totally logical question. “Yes, I come here often. Not as often as you it would seem. Quite prone to hurting yourself, aren’t you?”

“Maybe I just like to visit my favorite healer.”

Ah yes, the flirting. It seemed it wasn’t enough for him to already bother you with his presence, but he also made it his mission to flirt with you as much as possible during his stay.

“Firstly, I’m the only specialized healer you know, so that line isn’t as smooth as you think it is.” you started, continuing to work on his nose. “Secondly, I would appreciate it if you could keep your advances to the minimum. We don’t want you to damage your brain trying to come up with more pick up lines, seeing as it requires a lot of effort for you to even get coherent sentences out.” you said sarcastically and watched his smirk grow.

“What is it going to take for you to finally admit you actually really like me?” he asked, and for the life of you, you could not understand how he’d come to that conclusion when all you’ve ever done is turn him down. Nonetheless, you figured you’d follow his game. If you were going to spend your whole night by his side, you could use some fun.

“Well, for one, I have never seen you not beaten up, or showered for that matter, so that would be a great start.” you said, tailoring his nose to look like Sturmhond’s crooked one after you finished tending to it.

“It’s not my fault I always end up here in the nights when we get ambushed.” he said in a voice that could almost be considered as a whine, and you found yourself smiling at how cute he sounded when he wasn’t being an asshole. Still, you furrowed your brows in response to something he’d hinted at.

“Ambushed? What, like by other crews?” you asked and he nodded. “So, you tailor yourself to not get ambushed for being a royal, but we still are ambushed even when you look like Sturmhond? What’s the point then?”

“It may be kind of useless now that everyone in Ravka knows us, but I like pretending to be someone else sometimes.” he shrugged, a look that you’d never seen on his face appearing. “It’s stupid, i know” he snorted, trying to shake off the weight of his sentence after you remained quiet for a few seconds.

“It’s not stupid.” you were quick to deny. “I get it, believe me. Growing up as a grisha in Fjerda, I wished every night before bed to have the ability to simply be reborn as someone else.” you admitted, missing the shocked look on his face.

“You are Fjerdan?” he asked.

“What? That’s not in my file?” you answered with a question of your own and he rolled his green eyes.

After you accused him of violating your privacy for reading your file and he defensively said that it was his job to know his crew, you spent a few minutes teaching him Fjerdan words and took advantage of the little knowledge he had about your native language by making fun of his tailored face, knowing he couldn’t understand what you were saying.

“So, how come you praise yourself so much about your aim but seem to get beaten up every night?” you asked.

“Hey! I am actually an incredible shot, thank you very much.” he replied, offense clear on his voice, making you snort.

“Can’t be any good if the only times I ever see you is when you are injured.” you said sarcastically, and he made a face that seemed a bit dramatic in your opinion.

“Not my fault you are trapped between these four walls every night.” he replied, and now it was your turn to act defensively.

“Excuse you! I have a life outside of the hospital.” you said in a light tone, to let him know you weren’t truly offended.

“People who have lives don’t need to remind other people that they do.”

“People who are great in battle don’t need to remind other people that they are.”

“Touché.” he said with a smirk.

You spent the next couple of hours talking to Nikolai about random topics, him not failing to deliver a pick up line from time to time, and the night was slowly but surely starting to slip out of your hands. Right now, you were back to him being the topic of conversation after you had ranted for a couple of minutes about how hard it was to have to grow up in Fjerda hiding who you were. As you teased him telling him he had to settle for captain of a ship because he wasn’t a good enough royal (a claim he denied thoroughly), he looked like he wanted to say something else, before Genya entered the room with a smirk on her face.

“If you two lovebirds are done flirting, you are needed up on the main deck. Sparring session gone wrong - again.” she informed you, rolling her eyes at the usual recklessness of the crew.

“Yes, ma’am.” you saluted sarcastically, before turning back around to face Nikolai again and check his injuries one more time.

“You should actually stay upstairs with us sometime, that way I can prove to you that I'm actually good.” he suggested once Genya was out of the room again. “Plus, the day should be sunny today so we’ll probably spar a lot.”

“You’ve flirted with me every night you’ve been here and the answer’s always been the same, what makes you think tonight is going to be different?”

“Oh, come on. I promise I'll shower and I will try to not get punched in the face. That way you get to see me showered and not injured, it’s a package deal you can’t just ignore.” he pleaded, in reference to your words from earlier.

“All right, maybe I'll stay upstairs after I finish fixing the crew up, and if I catch sight of a certain arrogant royal I know, I might stick around to watch a sparring session or two.” you gave in with a smirk, leading him to the door so he could leave you alone to fix your room up a bit before you went upstairs.

“I’ll see you when I see you then.” he said while bowing his invisible pirate hat, and walked away with a wink.

He left you standing at your desk watching as, just like every other night, he slipped past your door and out onto the main deck again. You watched as he caught up with Genya and said something to her with a smirk, though you couldn’t quite catch the words the spoke, and turned back around to tidy up your room with a stupid smile on your face.

bonus:

“Did it work?” Genya asked him with raised eyebrows and a smile, her question in reference to the plan they had come up with to get Nikolai to spend more time with you. It consisted of Genya tailoring his face to look like he had fallen on his face and busted his nose open.

“Like a charm.” Nikolai nodded, a smile similar to the one you were wearing back in your room appearing on his face.

a/n: making fun of sturmhond's nose is a personality trait and it's mine (and alina's)

[incorrectquotesconaisseur]

SO GUYSSSS I JUST FINISHED READING RULE OF WOLVES AND WHAT THE HELL???? I am a MESS

(so here are my thoughts that I had while reading it)

❗❗RULE OF WOLVES SPOILERS❗❗

• Lol Nikolai has a horse named Punchline, I love him so much

• Sankta Zoya Y E S

• Nina is sooo badass I love her - Brum needs to die btw

• Fjerda is a little shit

• "If not for Nina, their blessed termite eating at the heart of Fjerda’s government" - did I mention I love Nina?????

• Nikolai is a freaking mastermind and I love him

• OMG THEY HAVE AN ANTIDOTE FOR PAREM NOW???? HELL YEAH take THAT Fjerda!!!!

• Nina adopting Kaz's mindset when back at the Ice Court is what I live for

• UGH THE APPARAT

• Nikolai is soooo in love with Zoya I AM GOING CRAZY

• Zoya's "you forget that in Kerch greed is a virtue" gave me MAJOR Kaz vibes... I miss my crow babies

• Maybe it's an unpopular opinion, but I don't really like Ehri

• ZOYALAI NATION, HOW ARE WE??? ARE WE CRYING?

• I just REALLY love the found family trope and seeing everyone gathered in Zoya's rooms and Zoya curled up on the couch next to Genya I just AAAAAAAAA

• I absolutely adore the whole concept of the Darkling's prison and the CONSTANT sunlight he has to face HA - Alina vibes

• OMG "bring me Alina Starkov" WHAT THE FUCK I have literal chills ESPECIALLY after seeing the S&B trailer:)

• Nina being so confident in everything she learned from the Crows gives me so much serotonin I WANT MY BABIESSS

• Oh my god... I like prince Rasmus, he gives me major Nikolai vibes

• I draw immense satisfaction from Kaz and Zoya using "podge" as their preferred curse word :))))

• NIKOLAI CAN SEPARATE HIMSELF FROM HIS DEMON???? King behavior

• HOLY SHIT ALINA AGREED TO THE MEETING here we go again, fam

• I'm seeing Nikolai talking a lot about accepting his death and being undisturbed by the prospect of it and it feeaks me out - if he dies, I die with him

• Random, but: they need to get the thorn stuff from the Order of Sankt Feliks or whatever, right??? Maybe they have to steal it... and they would require expertise... MAYBE SOME CROWS PLS???????? (I am such a clown)

• Okay wait... so the letters that prove Nikolai is a bastard are in the druskelle sector... PLEASE TELL ME NINA HAS TO BREAK IN THE ICE COURT the fact that she is back there ALONE makes my heart clench so hard... I MISS MY CROWS

• FUCK ALINA SHOWED UP (also Oncat apparently and now I want to cry about Harshaw again)... AND MAL I can't take this I AM HYPERVENTILATING

• I AM LEGIT ON THE FLOOR Yuri is still there FINALLY understanding that the Darkling is evil AND NOW MY MAIN MAN GOT HIS POWERS BACK oh, I love the chaos

• NIKOLAI FUCKING CARRIES ZOYA'S RIBBON IN HIS POCKET nobody fucking touch me

• THE WEDDING IS FOR GENYA AND DAVID????? I AM SOOO CONFUSED what the heck

• Nikoali is the most fucking badass amazing cunning freakishly intelligent idiot I have ever seen in my entire life, my love for him is immesurable, I cannot put into words just how awesome his awesomeness is TAKE THAT MAKHI YOU BITCH

• OH HELL NO the demon is trying to escape SMACK THAT BITCH NIKOLAI BABY

• Oh wow, Rasmus is crazyyyy af he isn't anything like Nikolai my perfect boi SORRY

• OMG Nikolai's dad us a good guy??? I feel so sorry for him... SO NIKOLAI WAS RIGHT TO BE A ROMANTIC huh

• FUCKING HELL again with the nichevo’ya???? Darkling bby, what the HECK

• Nononononooo NO NOOOO NOT DAVID WHAT THE FUCK LEIGH

• "This is what love does" one of the most powerful quotes tbh

• Wait... they want to???? STEAL??? titanium from the Kerch??? .... DOES THIS MEAN.... C R O W S?????

• Okay but... the Darkling's POV? POWER MOVE I love it!!! And the fact that he uses Aleksander as his name with zero reticence now is just *chef's kiss*

• I'm sorry but... I don't like Mayu's chapters I AM SO SORRY I DON'T

• Nina is my badass queen STEP ASIDE PEASANTS

• All these SoC Easter Eggs and mentions are driving me insane

• Idk why but imagining the Darkling drinking beer is sooo funny to me

• I AM LOSING MY SHIT they are in Ketterdam KETTERDAM does that mean ....DOES THAT MEAN ....I better see my Crows or I am throwing hands

• The Zoyalai conversations in this book are KILLING me

• OH MY FUCKING GOD so Kaz took the Emerald Palace over and renamed it THE SILVER SIX???? LIKE???? I AM LEGIT CRYING???

• Ummm...Zoya, honey, WHY do you want to VOLUNTARILY stay away from Nikolai, HUH?????

• THE ONLY REASON HE AGREED TO HELP NIKOLAI WAS BECAUSE HE GUARANTEES INEJ'S PROTECTION if that's not L O V E idk what is YAAASSS KANEJ

• FUCKING SHIT JESPER!!!! IT'S JESPER!!!! WYLAN!!!! I AM FAINTING MY BABIESS

• The Crows' banter is WHAT I LIVE FOR

• Kaz is the most cold, badass and calculating motherfucker on the planet, I love him soooo much

• No NO NOO JORAN IS THE ONE WHO KILLED MATTHIAS????? HOLY SHIT I am sooo scared LEIGH WHYYYY

• Kaz's reaction to Nikolai's demon is legit the funniest shit ever

• Kaz and Nikolai are bffs - THIS IS HEADCANON LEAVE ME BE

• Queen Leyti has severely disappointed me

• I am having waayyyyy too much fun reading about the Darkling among blindly faithful monks - this is the stuff of sitcoms

• (I know the Crows only had a cameo and they won't pop up again, but I can't help desperation wanting to see Nina reunite with them and PLEASE GIVE ME INEJ!!!)

• Honestly, it's pretty cool getting to have a look in the Darkling's head - it's SUPER fucked up

• OOOOO the blight vs the Darkling = the only confrontation I want to see

• FATHER AND SON REUNION

• I don't care much for Hanne x Nina, but I have to admit that they make a very cute couple

• FUCK THEY BROKE STURMHOND'S BLOCADE FUUUUCK

• WAIT NO it was their plan all along HOLY SHIT electricity RULEZZZZ who knew physics would prove THIS useful???

• UUUGHH FUCK THE APPARAT I am so sick of this guy - Zoya was right, they should have killed him

• I am really pissed at the Darkling- YOU FUCKING ACKNOWLEDGE HOW MUCH RAVKA NEEDS YOUR HELP, YOU SEE NIKOLAI'S BRAVERY, YOU KNOW YOU CAM HELP, AND YOU DO NOTHING??? BRO WHAT THE FUCK

• HELL YEAH ZOYA IS A DRAGOOON fuck some shit up sweety Y E S

• MY SKIN IS CLEARED AND MY CROPS ARE WATERED BY THE DARKLING RAISING A MOB TO CALL ZOYA "SANKTA"

• Also... the Darkling winking at Nikolai? FLERT

• WHAT THE FUCK???? HANNE DIED??? holy shit, why???? WHY CAN'T NINA BE HAPPY???????

• Nikolai is an absolute SAVAGE in a debate

• Idk what to think abt Rasmus... he was kinda badass for standing up against Brum

• SOLDIER. SUMMONER. SAINT. slap me and call me a hoe I SCREAMED WHEN I READ THAT

• ZOYA AS QUEEN, SIGN ME THE FUCK UP

• Okay I stan the Darkling again

• ZOYALAI IS CANON I REPEAT ZOYALAI IS CANONNNNN

• OKAY WOW HANNE IS A FULL-ON BADASS yep, I stan

• I really???? LOVE??? this ending for the Darkling??? Idk but it is VERY fitting

• ALINA!!!! AT ZOYA'S!!!! CORONATION!!!! my life is complete

• FUCKING SHIT INEJ!!! INEEEEEJJJJ my queen my love AAAAAA

• The conversation at the end between Alina, Zoya and Genya DESTROYED ME

• STEALING THE HEART OF SANKT FELIKS yes please BRING THE CROWS BACK!!!!! I NEED ANOTHER CROWS SEQUEL!!!!

• I fainted, I ascended, I DIED at the last page

• NOW I NEED A SEQUEL!!!

• Leigh, you ARE goig to write what happens next, right? RIGHT? RIGHT????

[dandelioncrownns]

random grishaverse facts/trivia (mostly tgt/kos, tbh), because i love useless details. Also, attempted organisation, because i like order too. + ft. my unwanted commentary

the darkling

has a sweet tooth

loves animals and nature in general

for those of you who have read demon in the woods, he got to meet the white tigers :)

his bedchamber walls are carved into trees bc he loves the woods

his favourite trees in particular are pine trees (or just evergreen trees in general)

he used to be afraid of the dark (many possibly worrying? interesting? implications to this; i won’t get into it here tho)

he likes bright colours, but wears black all the time basically for the aesthetic

he met his younger half-sister, Ulla, when he was a seer’s apprentice in Fjerda 

the darkling is a musician! He plays the fiddle, and growing up, he played the balalaika and oud (i wonder if he can read tablature,,) 

His father was a very powerful heartrender (maybe this is why the corporalki are valued so highly by him?)

genya

she got an amplifier between the end of R+R and the start of KoS (kestrel bones)

Genya used Dekora Nevich, the Ornamental Blade, to poison the King

It smells like cinnamon and is a warm golden colour

the royal family / nikolai’s bio family 

the King once cut himself on his own sword

genya named the queen’s dog 

until she was like 11, Genya was like the daughter the queen never had (omg i really wonder how Nikolai and Vasily felt about that? ik it’s not really mentioned, and Nik kinda acts like he just met Genya is S+S, but they must have been a lot closer, right?? I mean genya was almost always at the grand palace with Queen Tatiana, and nikolai just really wanted his parents’ attention, there must have been some kind of maybe one-sided jealousy/sibling rivalry thing, right?? I digress- for now)

also the queen in a dog person

p. sure Nikolai is a mommy’s boy

(possible explanation:) he looks exactly like his real father (except for his eyes). Nikolai even has the same laugh as Magnus

the queen was also fed up with Vasily and his horses

Vasily rides a white gelding horse and Nikolai rides a speckled grey horse (called Punchline)

speaking of, vasily is definitely a horse girl, but like... just the worst (darkling 🤝vasily)

Queen Tatiana’s letters to Magnus Opjer were “very racy” 

 She doesn’t approve of women in trousers

Linnea is ~1 year younger than Nikolai

she is good at math + studies engineering at ketterdam (I wonder if maybe she and Nikolai crossed paths when he was at uni- they’re around the same age, so maybe?)

The King and Queen hired a clown for nikolai’s 10th birthday (the worst birthday party he’d been to, inclusive of the night Vasily died, according to Nikolai)

Nikolai is afraid of spiders (and also clowns???)

nikolai:

he can juggle

Nikolai sucks at learning languages 

he once spoke Fjerdan so badly a man named Knut offered him a ruby to stop

his Kerch seems pretty good tho

Nikolai met The Darkling when he was 14

Nikolai is a baritone (as is Jesper!)

In his free time, Nikolai writes bad poetry (remember that time he got stabbed w/ a letter opener bc his poetry sucked?)

he went through an emo phase/ existential crisis before becoming sturmhond.

during said emo phase, he wrote rhyming poetry pretty much exclusively

He also took philosophy classes at uni (PPE?)

alina:

alina tried on the same rose dress that the Queen watched vasily die in

Nikolai gifted Alina a VERY low-cut cobalt lace gown (In the words of Nadia, “The bodice might as well be cut to the navel.” )

Alina hates herring, but Zoya and Nikolai love it

She is VERY sarcastic and snarky!! I feel like this gets glossed over so much in the fandom, and just why?? (she’s so gloomy and over everything 90% of the time, i love it so much)

So this isn’t technically a fact-fact, but there is no way Alina wasn’t at least a little bit into women. Did you read how she talked abt genya? Zoya? there’s no way she wasn’t into them

Alina doesn’t really like hard cheese

zoya + zoyalai:

Zoya’s horse is called Serebrine

Zoya can use her lightning as a defibrillator (I’m sure other squallers can do this too with the right training)

Zoya likes Nikolai’s hands (and Nikolai likes Zoya’s feet lmao)

she has ‘weird (long?) incisors’  

she definitely had a crush on Nikolai since Ruin and Rising

kaz:

Kaz grew up on a farm in Southern Kerch, in Lij

Kaz is a both a cat and a dog person  (he just likes strays)

Matthias is a dog person, obviously

All the other crows are cat people 

He likes hot chocolate

both he and nikolai like brandy

hates cereal

Kaz is obsessed with magic + likes puzzles

actually very funny if he wasn’t terrifying (honestly?? at leat 70% of his dialogue is just witty quips/jokes)

Kaz’s right leg is the one he broke, and the dregs usually get their tattoo on their right forearm

the other crows:

Jesper has been known to go line-dancing (and would like country music) 

Mal and Jesper were friends in S+S!! (Probably) Jesper has a not-really-secret crush on sturmhond. 

He also had a VERY not secret crush on Kaz before wylan, ofc

Matthias’ middle name is Benedik

Nina would win in an arm wrestling contest against Jesper

Inej has a thing for Kaz’s eyes

Nina was at the orphanage with the other grisha kids in R+R

In the opening scene of CK, Jesper was wearing a navy waistcoat with little gold stars (his fashion is just top tier honestly)

grisha- powers, etc.:

A solar eclipse would have no effect on the Darkling’s powers, but it would make it harder for Alina to summon.

Fabrikators can make flowers bloom

The twins have shark teeth amplifiers

Adrik and Leoni are saints

general world stuff:

Gay marriage is legal in Kerch!

there was a landbridge connecting Shu Han and Kerch but the council of tides covered it

Antimony is used as mascara

kruge is pale purple paper currency

ravkan currency has Nikolai’s face on it (ig not anymore tho?)

Hringkälla is celebrated on March 20th

the distance between Ivets and Os Alta is only about 100 miles? (i’m just going to willfully ignore this, because thats,, so small?)

Mermaids and dragons exist(ed) in the grishaverse

misc:

the daughter of the duke of ivets has a daughter who can play the harp

there is not fourth tale of krigi

The baroness Natasha Beritrova is fifty (as of KoS) and has lands near caryeva

Elke Marie Smit is from one of the most powerful Kerch families and is just 16 in KoS

Oncat is an orange tabby

Anya liked Joost a lot :( (I got way too attached to them at the start of SoC and was so sad + confused when they died lol)

david eats hard boiled eggs for his working days in the shops

‘Malyen’ is the Ravkan version of ‘Malcolm’ (very fitting)

Nikolai brought the kids at Keramzin toy boats + frequently sends Alina and Mal gifts 

The triumvirate would also visit them every feast of Sankt Nikolai too :)

star signs / birthdays (ik the gv constellations aren’t the same as ours, but idc):

Inej: Cancer (june 21st - july 22nd)

Kaz: Capricorn (december 22nd - january 19th)

Nina: Leo (july 23rd - august 22nd)

Jesper: Gemini (may 21st - june 20th)

Matthias: Taurus (april 20th - may 20th)

Wylan: virgo (august 23rd - september 22nd)

Kuwei: aries (march 21st - april 19th)

Darkling: aries

Nikolai is most likely either a gemini or cancer (but he could also be a Leo or Taurus). Whatever it is, he is a summer baby.

Alina and Mal have the same birthday (they were given the Duke’s birthday when they came to the orphanage)

heights:

Jesper is 6’2” - 6’3”

Kaz is 6′

Matthias is 6’4

Nina is 5’9”-5’10”

Inej is 5’3” - 5’4”

Alina is ’short’ (5’3”?)

Mal and the Darkling are ‘tall’ (tbf, like all the characters are tall >:( I want my short people rights)

Nikolai  (well, stumhond, but i think they’re the same height) is described by Jesper as tall (so 6’2”+?? why is everyone so tall??? I-)

Zoya is several inches shorter than nina (zoyalai height difference lets go)

Kuwei is slightly shorter than Wylan (who is about 5’8”?)

there’s definitely more, so if you made it this far and have any more, pls add to the list!

[vanilla-vivillon]

So since y’all seemed to like Kanej kid, let’s do Zoyalai kid. Also David isn’t dead in this because it is to sad

||ROW SPOILERS||

TW, this has brief mentions of infertility and describes labor, nothing to graphic just talks about how painful it is

After the wedding zoya and Nikolai were both excited to start a family

Nikolai; while he adores his sister Linnea and his father, never really was able to grow up in a loving household

He never wanted that for his children

He and Vasily had a horrible relationship growing up and he wanted to di everything in his power to make sure his kids had a healthy sibling relationship

Zoya on the other hand never really thought she’d have kids

Before everything went down she kinda assumed she’d work as a general and work to help Grisha

She never thought she’d have children

That obviously had to change

The country needed heirs

Zoya already decided that since she was probably gonna live a loooooong time, when her heir came of age she would step down; that way she wouldn’t love for a super long time.

Now that Zoya was gonna have children she wasn’t honestly sure about

What if they hold her back?

What if she gives up to many duties for them?

But higher the all these other worries she didn’t want to turn into her own mother

No matter how much Nikolai assured her that never will happen

Zoya still had worries

Zoya was a lot of things but motherly she was not

Nevertheless in February Zoya and Nikolai told there friends they were expecting

They were all incredibly happy for them

Tamar loved children although she herself didn’t want any and couldn’t wait to teach the kid things like how to ride a horse or shoot

Tolya objected saying the kid should be well educated on poatry and great works that way the Nazyalensky dynasty might be somewhat pious

Genya was hoping for a girl. Genya and David had there son Forrest earlier that year and Genya was already planning play dates

David was happy for his friends and had already started on projects for toys for the kid

When they wrote Mal and Alina they were ecstatic

While Mal gave tips on how to handle babies to Nikolai

Alina with her wiles and years of friendship with Zoya figured out all the way from Keramzin Zoya was worried

She wrote “Zoya babe imma cut to the chase, your nervous, your scared, your probably worried you’ll turn out to be a horrible mother. And imma tell you your not. Cause you’ve got an amazing freaking team. You’ve got Nikolai, Magnus, Linnea, and Genya and David, the twins, and of course myself. There’s no way in hell we’d let you turn out horrible to the kid. We’ve got you”

It helped Zoya a lot

She decided it was orphan wiles that Alina used to diagnose her exact problem from the letter she wrote to her

And Zoya did have wonderful people to help her

She wasn’t alone

Zoya had been trying to remember that more

Three months along Zoya was safely into Trmester two and it was time to tell the public

This was crucial to the monarchy

While zoya and Nikolai were popular

They needed an heir to convive people of the security of the nation

They made a public speech announcing the baby and Ravka went wild

If there’s one thing Ravkans know how to do it’s rally around babies

Letter came pouring in from name suggestions to old wives tales

They said Rosemary made the baby healthier

They said they should name there child Plumje

Well the Plumje comment was from some Kerch girl Zoya found strange but never mind that

The announcement was huge

The people had hope

Hope that wolves wouldn’t come knocking

Hope that there boys and girls wouldn’t be drafted

Hope for peace

While the people rejoiced Zoyas pregnancy was getting tougher

She had a easy enough first trimester but the second? That was rough

The morning sickness was bad

Her Healer; a no nonsense Fjerdan Women said that the vomiting wasn’t something that could be healed

And so Zoya suffered on

Zoya insisted on keeping her normal schedule

Her usual meetings with Grisha and the spy’s

Passive agressive letters to the Kerch

Aggressive aggressive letters to the shu

And trying to figure out whether or not there was a revolution group in the Wandering Isle

Zoyas schedule was already stressed and the baby wasn’t helping

Eventually her healer; Monika, put her foot down

“Your Magesty” She started “if you do not alleviate your stress I guarantee your pregnancy will be worse”

“Look Monika I can handle a little throw up”

Monika and Zoya attended the little palace together

While Monika was a healer and back then the animosity between corporalki and etherealki were high, they were friends

It was good to have a powerful healer in your corner when half the little palace hates you

And it was good to have a powerful squaller in your corner when your Fjerdan and in enemy territory

“Zoya you are endangering your child” Monika stated

By this statement Nikolai had enough

And zoya finally listened

Nikolai assumed some of her duties and Zoya started to feel a bit better

Her second trimester was stressful for there relationship

Nikolai had a hard time understanding zoya

And Zoyas fears started to grow

But they were a good couple

And they worked through tension before

Zoya opened up about her worries of being a competent queen with a child

She leaned on Nikolai more

And they worked together to fix the damage

By the end of her second trimester there relationship was healthier

And they thought the third couldn’t be as bad

In a way they were right

Her morning sickness while still present was significantly less then her second trimester

However I new thing arose

A question that everyone had been thinking

“What if the baby is Grisha?”

The Ravkans had accepted a Grisha queen

But a Grisha dynasty was another thing

Monika told them outright that the baby was probably Grisha

Being Grisha tended to run in families

And Zoya was fairly sure her paternal grandmother was also a squaller

The whole science of Grisha heritage wasn’t studied well

Most Grisha were in Ravka in the second army

And most of the soldiers don’t have children

Zoya also learned her new found ability to sense Grisha wasn’t fool proof

Sometimes she couldn’t tell at all

And in Genyas case of being somewhere between a corporalki and materialki, she couldn’t tell what she was

She also couldn’t sense anything in Forrest Kostyk

That meant they couldn’t rely on Zoyas power

Nikolai couldn’t help but think tracing heritage would be easier if he wasn’t a bastard

His mother’s line was easy

She was a Fjerdan princess so he could trace everything back from the very start

And from his mother not a drop of Grisha blood ran through his veins

His fathers got murky

Magnus didn’t come from nobility

He was self made

A self made orphan

So other then his father neither he nor Magnus knew anything about Grisha influence

Nevertheless they had other worries

Zoya was in her third trimester and was going to give birth any minute now

Zoya honestly didn’t think she would make it this far

And that has nothing to do with her fears of motherhood

Her own mother had four miscarriages

Pregnancy complications were common

Especially in Ravka where most couldn’t afford mediks

But now that the due date was fast approaching Zoya was in fact okay

Zoya can handle pain, she’s handled much worse

Labor was one of the least of her worries

The due date was October eighth

And on time and punctual Zoya went into labor during lunch

Nikolai joked it would be a good trait for a ruler to show up on time

However Zoya was in to much pain to think about a snarky retort

She had vastly underestimated how much this would hurt

The pain was blinding

But Zoya was strong enough to survive the fall

And so in 3:07 PM son October eighth

Prince Mycanae Juris Nazyalensky was born (prounounced My-kuh-nay-uh because I threw some random vowels together and made it a name)

Myca (My Kuh) for short

With a tuft of chocolate brown hair and beautiful hazel eyes he shone

Nikolai absolutely adored him

He would rock him and sing him lullabies

But mostly tell him stories

About the amazing Privateer Sturmhond

Of the allusive Juris

Of the little termite

Zoya in the other hand had a different approach to there newborn

When he first cried she was elated

Zoya didn’t hold back the tears of happiness and didn’t even swear the healers to secrecy after

Zoya was the epitome of

“Oh god it’s a baby, as I holding him wrong? Does he have the right clothes on? He’s so fragile and precious”

Monika had to tell her three times that Myca’s crib was fine for him and it wasn’t to hard

However the family’s elation was short lived

They were a family

But they were also the rulers of Ravka

And Ravka needed to see the face of there hope

Four hours after his birth Nikolai presented him before the nobility

Zoya still wasn’t feeling to great and Nikolai Insisted he could do it

This is what the Ravkans needed

The baby met stability

Met peace

For once in many years the people could lay down in there beds without fear

But to Zoya and Nikolai

There baby wasn’t a political tool

Or a savior

He was just a baby

A perfect

Small

Baby

This is what love does.

Im really proud of myself for accomplishing this. I worked really hard on it and to keep our characters in canon. My ask box is open and n do any Grishaverse asks

If this gets 25 likes I’ll do a part two 😉

I defo think Nikolai and Zoya would have more then one kid

Also I kid you not I couldn’t find any good names for the life of me so I eventually took a break and was doing my History homework when I was reading some old Greek thing and saw the word “Mycenae” and was like “Yeah I can massively mispronounce this and make it a name”

Here is part two https://dablackdahlia.tumblr.com/post/651104016423583744/the-black-dahlia

I also made a Kanej kid one here

[sirenprincess15]

Please Don't Leave Me Chapter 15

Title: Please Don’t Leave Me

Author: SirenPrincess

Description: What if Aleksander hadn’t answered the door when Ivan interrupted the war room kissing? What if Aleksander and Alina had a bit more time to get to know each other before Baghra told her his true identity? Alina is the only one who can comfort Aleksander through his nightmares. Will she leave once she knows who he is?

This story is based on the show version and features a soft on the inside, hard on the outside Aleksander with an emphasis on emotional hurt/comfort and angst. If you are looking for lots of hurt!Aleksander thoughts, then this story is for you. Mal exists but pretty much solely to cause Aleksander some angst. Don’t worry. It will be a Darklina ending.

Chapter 1 is a missing scene at the end of Ep 4, and Chapter 2 takes place alongside Ep 5 and then diverges from canon there.

Pairings: Aleksander Morozova/Alina Starkov, bits of Ivan/Fedyor

Rating: PG-13

Warnings: Grisha are oppressed in this universe, and I don’t shy away from showing the horrors of that. There may eventually be mentions of canon-typical torture (Fjerdan pyres), death of family members, and cruelty to Grisha children. It’s not the focus, but that backdrop is definitely there and comes up as characters discuss their past.

In this chapter: Aleksander struggles to share his secrets with Alina until he finds her upset and needing him.

Recommended listening: Lady A "Need You Now"

Chapter 15

They went on that way for a couple of days. Alina spent most of her time with the tracker. It tore Aleksander up but he permitted it for her. Most of Aleksander’s time was spent handling details of the war, receiving intelligence reports, and managing Ravka. Keeping everyone alive kept him focused.

It was the evenings he spent alone that were driving him mad. He kept thinking of Alina’s desire to be fully honest with each other and Fedyor’s words of the importance of knowing and accepting a partner wholly, even with flaws. He had always been a strategist, always played through all scenarios in his head a thousand times until he arrived at one he liked. No matter what scenario he envisioned with Alina, none of them ever turned out as he desired. He desperately longed for the kind of love and acceptance that Alina called for. There had been so many years alone where he had yearned for someone to share things with. However, every time he tried to plan the discussion of one of his secrets, it all went to hell quickly. He had even spent one evening writing it all out for her in the hopes that would help him solidify his thoughts. It hadn’t, and he’d burned it all as he realized how beyond stupid it would be to give her such information in writing.

The problem, he realized, was that he could eloquently justify every decision he had made, but no matter how he poured his heart out into explaining it all, none of that would make the truth any less horrible. Marie was dead--that knowledge would hurt Alina, and he just couldn’t stand the idea of her experiencing all that pain. Genya was his spy--without the centuries of seeing Grisha persecuted to understand what it meant if they lost this war, without seeing the king’s ineptness firsthand, seeing the battalions they had lost because of inadequate supplies and wasted funds, she would never be able to understand this decision. It was unforgivable to leave Genya in that situation. He knew it was, even if Genya had agreed to stay in it herself. That didn’t mean it wasn’t the necessary decision, too. They weren’t mutually exclusive, but Alina would never be able to grasp that. He had a way to potentially take control of her power and use it against her will--would she ever believe he didn’t intend to use it? Was that even really true? He had always hated the idea and told everyone they would not be using it, but deep down he had always known it was the back-up plan. Could he even say he didn’t intend to use it if he knew there were circumstances where he would? All the thoughts swirled in his head and threatened to take him past his breaking point. And then she would be there to help him sleep and somehow it was enough to get him through the next day.

He was stuck, and he didn’t see a way out of this pattern. He couldn’t stop thinking of ways to try to explain things to her. He needed her. His desire for her to actually accept him was overwhelming. But how could she? As he imagined trying to explain things to her, he saw things through her eyes. It was a fresh perspective, and what he saw was horrifying. It all caused him horrible guilt, and, yet, he knew he would make the same decisions again. Over the centuries, he had become numb to accepting the small pains to prevent the true horrors. Alina had reignited emotion inside him, and suddenly everything was raw again.

Aleksander looked at the clock and groaned. It would still be several hours before Alina would visit his chambers to help him sleep. He could not take another night of tearing himself apart while trying to come up with words to help Alina understand how the murder and torture of Grisha over the centuries had forced him to make harder and harder choices. He should get up and do something productive, something, anything to keep his mind active. The library might be a good idea. He thought he had most of the good sources on the Stag in his chambers, but there could still be some good books with more information on relics in general that he and David had not yet read that could at least keep his mind engaged. There was the added bonus that the library reminded him of happier times with Alina. He had never seen someone smile so broadly at books. The memory of stolen kisses between the shelves brought a smile to his face.

Decision made, Aleksander strode to the library. He froze when he saw Ivan hovering near an alcove. Ivan was supposed to be guarding Alina. Aleksander raised an eyebrow, and Ivan gestured with his chin toward the alcove. Years of working together made a silent exchange possible. Alina was in the alcove, and Ivan thought Aleksander should go in there.

“Alina,” Aleksander gasped as he took in her appearance. In her nightgown and robe, she was disheveled, hair a mess, with tears in her eyes.

She desperately tried to wipe the tears away when she saw him. “Aleksander.”

“You’re crying,” he whispered as he closed the distance between them.

“It’s nothing. I’m just tired.”

He reached out and tilted her chin until she met his eyes. “You never let me get away with that line.”

The tears started to fall again. He wrapped his arms around her and pulled her to his chest. To his surprise, she started sobbing. He tentatively sent his power through to her. It caressed against hers and begged for a response. This time, she let the connection flow between them. Emotions echoed back and forth with the familiar comfort of each other. She was sad, confused, scared. He was concerned. He made sure to let her feel his love for her, whether she wanted it or not.

“I missed this,” she whispered after a long while.

He blinked. Didn’t she know she was in control of that? He constantly longed for the connection with her. She was the one who decided when they were allowed to have this. “I missed you.”

She sighed and finally let go of the stress in her. In their bond, she pulled for his comfort.

“Did he hurt you?” It was a quiet question, but there was a clear threat in his tone. If the tracker had harmed her, there was nothing that would stop him from enjoying that man’s death.

“No,” she responded quickly. “It’s nothing like that.”

“Are things not going the way you want with the tracker?” He tried not to enjoy that idea. Alina was hurting. That was bad even if it would result in the tracker being out of the picture.

“You’ll be relieved to know that we’ve realized what we are to each other and it’s family. I tried to kiss him. It was awful. So awful, Aleksander.” She made a face and then gave a soft little laugh. “I do love him, but that felt so wrong, and I realized it’s because he’s like my brother.”

“That is not why you are crying, though.” He could tell. He couldn’t let himself become distracted by the jealousy he felt at the idea of the tracker’s lips on hers, even if it was awful as she said. She was comfortable with the decision that the relationship with the tracker was not romantic. He might take more joy in that, but he could not because something else was devastating her. “Whatever it is, you know you can tell me.”

“I’m afraid it will upset you.”

Because the tracker had actually hurt her? Because she was going to say something against Aleksander? Something to break his heart? “I can take it.” He kissed the top of her forehead. “If I somehow found a way to talk to you about the Fold, you can share this with me.”

She looked up at him with uncertainty in her eyes. “I can’t. You’ll hurt him or ... lock him in the dungeons.”

So this was about the tracker. He might very much like to kill, mame, or at least imprison the tracker for whatever she was about to say next, but he knew she wouldn’t tell him unless he agreed not to hurt that idiot and she could feel that he meant it. He took her hand in his so she could get a strong read of his emotions. “I promise I won’t hurt him without your permission.” That, at least, he could agree to. He’d just convince her to let him kill the tracker if that was called for.

Unable to look him in the eye as she spoke, she focused her gaze on the floor and whispered. “He wants us to run away and hide. He has a whole plan. I tried to explain how I can’t do that. I can’t hide my power. I told him how sick it used to make me. I didn’t understand what was causing it at the time, but now I do and I can’t go back to not being able to eat or sleep, to feeling so exhausted constantly. Nadia told me some stories of Grisha who tried to suppress their powers and got seriously ill. But he just keeps saying it will be fine just for a little while.”

Aleksander tried not to react to the news that the tracker was trying to escape with her, but Alina could probably feel his response. Anger was there, of course, but more than anything it triggered his protective instincts. He swallowed as he tried to push away any concerns of the tracker stealing her out of his safe space in the Little Palace. That wasn’t why Alina had told him or what she was asking for his help with. “He doesn’t accept you as you are, but it’s only because he doesn’t understand you. What we are is impossible for him to comprehend.”

She leaned against his chest so he could wrap his arms back around her. “He keeps saying things against Grisha. Not against me, he says not me, but … I don’t even think he realizes he’s doing it half the time. ‘We can’t trust her, she’s Grisha.’ ‘Those people always have tricks up their sleeves.’ Please don’t be mad at him. He isn’t trying to hurt me, but it does.”

“Prejudice against our kind is something learned at an early age. It’s so ingrained in Ravkan society, worse so in other countries, he probably does not realize that it is hate he is speaking.” He took a deep breath. “I’m not trying to defend or slander him. It’s the truth you need to hear, Alina. He is otkazat’sya. You are Grisha. They have always hated our kind. Fight as we may to be accepted, we never are.”

“I’m tired of feeling so … foreign … other.” She sighed.

“Do you feel like that here at the Little Palace? When you are with me?”

“No, and when he says things like that … I … It’s stupid. I’m so stupid.”

She knew he couldn’t stand for her to put herself down, but he was trying to get her to open up and let all her feelings out, so he didn’t correct her. “Tell me. All of it.”

“I’m a mess, Aleksander. I’m such a mess.”

“You hold me together when I am a mess. I can do the same for you.”

“When he says things that hurt me, all I want is you. I miss you. I miss our connection. I find I can’t breathe when I’m not with you. There’s just this tightness in my chest that won’t go away. I long to reach out to our bond.”

“And that’s a bad thing? Maybe when he puts you down, you subconsciously reach for the only person who has ever made you feel like you are enough and worthy of being loved. I wanted to give that to you, Alina.”

“I’m so scared, Aleksander. I’m in here crying because I need you and I’m so scared to need you!”

“You have taught me it’s okay to need you. It’s okay to need acceptance and love, Alina. I offer those.”

“How can I need you if I don’t even know if I trust you?” Her voice cracked.

Aleksander sucked in a breath at the pain those words caused. “Because of what Baghra said?”

She nodded into his chest. “And the manipulation. If I didn’t know about the letters, what else don’t I know? What else are you doing to manipulate me? At times I think I am strong enough and I can tell when you are lying to me, so that will be enough for me to be able to stay in control of things with you. Other times I’m terrified that I’m still falling for you and I will end up your slave. I realize I’m not in control of anything. I don’t feel whole unless I’m with you! When I’m with Mal, I am constantly thinking of you. I thought that if I gave myself some space, I could separate from that and sort things out, but it’s only worse. It takes all my strength not to run to your rooms because I need you.”

He wanted to reassure her that he was worthy of her trust, but he wasn’t sure that was even true. Wasn’t he just a bit earlier going through the list of all the secrets he had kept from her? He hadn’t managed to confide any of them to her or even come up with a plan of how he could. “There’s so much you don’t know,” he admitted. “It terrifies me, too. Trying to find a way to share it all with you is destroying me.” It was the full truth for once. There were horrible secrets there. He did not want to be manipulating her. He truly did want her to know all of it now, but he wanted her to understand it all too. Figuring out how to make that happen was eating him alive. He focused on those feelings and opened their bond fully so she can know the truth of that. “I need you. I fear if I use the wrong words, you will leave me, and I will not survive.”

“So … we both are driving ourselves mad with self doubt and worry and the pain of being apart. What do we even do with that?”

“If I had come up with a solution, I would not still be tearing myself apart trying to figure it out.” He sighed at the familiar ache in his chest. “Do you … Do you want to just take a break from … trying to figure everything out? My only solace in life is you. If I am your only respite, can we not just give ourselves a night to have that?” He needed a break, and she needed his comfort. They both were in so much pain from trying to survive alone.

“I’d like that,” she admitted, finally looking up into his eyes.

Aleksander reached out his hand and cupped her cheek. She leaned into his touch, and the clenching in his chest finally relaxed. She wanted his comfort. He wasn’t quite sure what a break would look like to her. Would she just want to sit and read in the library? Hold each other perhaps?

Tentatively, he leaned forward to kiss her. Her lips parted, and her body arched into him as if she could not get enough of his touch. He was shocked at the flood of desire that she released through their bond. There was no doubt that she wanted more.

As much as he longed to make mad love to her right there in the bookshelves even with Ivan only an aisle away, it didn’t feel quite right to dive straight into ripping off her clothes. Their relationship was awkward and uncertain at the moment. They needed cuddles and contact and warmth before he reminded her what it felt like to have her body worshipped. An idea occurred to him. “Do you want to take a bath together?”

She smiled. “Yes, please.”

=========

Author Notes: I wrote this chapter a dozen times and deleted them all. Every attempt at writing Aleksander come clean was ridiculously bad. So I started writing about him feeling that way, and Lady A's "Need You Now" came on my station and inspired me. Aleksander was a mess of guilt, self-doubt, and fear until Alina needed him, and then the story just clicked and was so easy to write. All of the emotions felt right once he realized she needed him. He doesn't need to be perfect for her. He needs to be what she needs, and he can be that, even with the dark past. This version felt genuine to the characters, including Alina and Mal. Alina's future with Mal was miserable. I wanted to let her realize 'hey, I don't like this' and choose something else for herself.

[alinastracker]

hello my dear bonnie, if you're still taking prompts, can i suggest #47 👀 ?

LOVE THIS PROMPT!!! here you go my love<3

prompt: you’re casually seeing my roommate and think they’re in the shower when you strip down to join me and we end up screaming and my roommate thinks it’s the funniest thing and tries to set us up on a date

yikes at this going from a quick lil ficlet to 6.7k oof

would it be okay if i came home to you (explicit) (ao3)

Alina steps into the shower, wondering how the hell she ended up rooming with Zoya to begin with.

Don't get her wrong, she loves Zoya. But her raven-haired friend can be difficult, and she was supposed to have buffer. Originally, it was going to be her, Zoya, and Genya living together, until Genya backed out last minute to move in with her boyfriend David instead.

"I'm so sorry, but it just makes sense," Genya said to them over lunch one afternoon. "Besides, if things go how I think they will, you two will be on the same path that I'm on soon enough."

Zoya scoffed. "What's that supposed to mean?"

Alina had the same question, considering both of them were hopelessly single.

Genya just sipped her tea and said in a sing-song voice, "You'll see."

At first, living with Zoya was fine. They agreed easily on most apartment related things; splitting up chores, rules about not touching each other's food, a timely heads up before having friends or potential sexual partners over. Zoya could get nit picky about a few things, like the lecture she'd given her on the proper position of the toilet paper roll. It goes over, Starkov, understand? Under is for heathens and natural selection is coming for them. But otherwise, things had been fine.

Until Mal.

He was a part of the friend circle she had surrounded herself with since freshman year. But there was something about Mal that had drawn her to him in a way that was different from the rest of the group — different from anyone else she had ever met. He was like a drug, a magnet, the missing link that had her saying, where have you been my whole life, when you're meant to be here beside me? So quickly he had become her closet friend, and as much as their group liked to tease them, they both denied feeling anything beyond fierce friendship.

But Alina was such a liar.

Which makes it her own fault, really, for ending up in this situation. Zoya could, quite frankly, be a bitch — but she wouldn't have gone after Mal if Alina had just owned up to her feelings.

Though she really could have told her about it sooner.

Alina had been studying in the living room one night when a knock at the door startled her. Zoya hadn't mentioned having company, and neither of them had ordered food. Hesitantly, she rose and stood on her tiptoes to peek through the peephole. Then her face lit up, and she swung the door open. "Mal!"

Saints, he looked good. He appeared freshly showered, dressed in a silky green shirt and dark jeans. He had actually put effort into his hair for once, and he had a small gold hoop earring in his left ear.

"Hey, Lina," he said, something a little off with the smile he gave her. As he passed by to come inside, she could smell expensive cologne.

"What are you doing here?" she asked, butterflies in her stomach. Her head was already filling with wild fantasies. He wanted to surprise her, so he showed up without notice. He put effort into how he looked, because he wanted to impress her. He was going to reveal his true feelings for her, and she would revel in the fact that he wanted her as much as she wanted him.

Instead, Zoya entered the room and said, "He's here for me."

Mal had the decency to flush and offer a sheepish shrug. "I'm gonna grab some water," he said, and scuttled off to the kitchen. Of course, Mal had been here plenty of times before. He knew where everything was.

Alina had barely heard him though, Zoya's words repeating on a loop in her head. He's here for me. She knew what this meant, even as her mind tried to deny it. The room was spinning and she couldn't quite steady herself, like something had broken inside of her.

She swallowed, and as calmly as possible, said, "What happened to the heads up rule?"

Zoya arched a brow. "I texted you two hours ago."

Alina frowned and pulled out her phone. Sure enough, there was a text from Zoya. Got a guy coming over in a couple hours. She must have missed it, lost in her studies. But still, something in the text ignited anger in her chest.

"You could have said the guy was Mal."

Zoya shrugged, so frustratingly nonchalant. "What does it matter?"

It matters because I am so hopelessly in love with him, and you're supposed to be my friend, and now I have to blast music so I don't hear the sounds of you two fucking, she thought.

"He's my best friend," she said. "It's just a little weird, I guess."

"Don't worry, Starkov," Zoya said, turning toward the kitchen, probably to grab Mal so they could get the night started. "It won't affect anything between you two."

Alina waited until the two of them were tucked away in Zoya's room. Then she pulled on her old running shoes and slipped out — there was just no way she could be here, knowing what was happening in the room across from her own.

She ran with no destination in mind, pumping her little legs as hard as they could go, music pounding from her headphones. When she became too tired to go further, she checked her surroundings and sighed. Of course, her feet took her to one of her favorite places in the city.

It's not anything, really. A quiet street with an old abandoned building at the end of it. But on the building's brick wall is one of her favorite pieces of art. A mural of the sun, complex in its simplicity, using colors she had never seen used to express the sun before, yet perfectly capturing the feeling of a warm sunny day.

Alina leaned against the wall, slid down until she was sitting on the old, cracked sidewalk. Only then did she realize that she was crying. Turning off her music, she called Genya, and told her everything.

"You have to talk to Zoya," Genya said.

"No!" she said quickly. "I don't want her to feel bad. It's not her fault. And if Mal likes her — well, it's not like he's shown any interest in me. I'm not going to get in their way."

"Alina," Genya sighed.

"It's fine," she promised. "I just—" A sob escaped her throat, the pain overshadowing any coherent thought. It was not fine.

"Send me your location," Genya said, and Alina did.

She spent the night at Genya and David's that night, David promising he was more than okay with taking the couch so her and Genya could have the bed. Which was needed, because Alina had a lot more crying to do.

"Just don't tell Zoya," she said.

"Alina, I don't know."

"Promise, Genya. Please."

Finally, Genya sighed. "All right."

That was four months ago. Zoya had told her it wouldn't affect her close bond with Mal, but it had. Alina never invites Mal over anymore, too afraid that he'll come to watch a movie, sit on the couch beside her — much closer than most friends sit. They would point out everything terrible about it, because they loved to watch bad films together as they stuffed their faces with popcorn. Then the movie would end and Mal would say goodnight, but instead of leaving, he'd go to Zoya's room, and the popcorn they ate would sour in her stomach.

There were so many little changes, too. Like when they hung out as a group, and suddenly Alina was questioning every move she made around him. Was it still okay to playfully ruffle his hair, to sit close enough that their shoulders pressed together, to look at him like he personally hung the sun and the moon in the sky, all while Zoya was there to see? Was it wrong to look at his lips and fantasize about how they would feel against her own, pressed to her collarbone, sucking her most sensitive spots? Zoya and Mal were a casual thing, they had both said so. But still, the natural intimacy her friendship with Mal had built for the past two years suddenly felt wrong, and she hated it.

Needless to say, Alina has been looking into new rooming possibilities for next year. She can't do this anymore. Every time Mal comes over, she waits for them to lock themselves away in Zoya's room, and then she leaves. She runs to her sun, sometimes just sitting and letting her sad song playlist make her sadder, sometimes bringing her sketchbook to at least make art out of the pain.

But tonight she has a very rare opportunity — the apartment to herself. Only for a couple hours, but still. She has spent most of the time so far blaring music, and her neighbors probably hate her, but damn it, they can deal with it for a night.

She lets the music play as she takes a much needed shower. Sure, she could have gone the bath route, but she doesn't want to waste all her time getting clean. Alina has decided her hours alone should end with a much needed date with her vibrator and an Owen Gray video that she's going to watch without headphones.

Olivia Rodrigo's Brutal is pounding from her speaker, and though Alina's twenty-one, not seventeen, the lyrics hit all the same. She's so into the music, thinking about her life for the past four months, thinking about moving as soon as she possibly can, thinking yeah, it really is fucking brutal out here, that she does not notice the telltale signs of someone entering her apartment, and even more worrisome, someone entering the bathroom. Not until it's too late.

"Thought you were too cool for Olivia Rodrigo," a very male voice says, and then the shower curtain opens.

Screams fill the air from both of them. Alina's already holding her conditioner bottle, and on instinct, hurls it at the man's chest while her other hand reaches for her razor.

"Oi!"

Only then does her mind register that it's not a strange man come to sexually assault her, it's Mal. Her best friend. Her roommate's casual lover slash fuck buddy slash whatever. It's Mal, completely naked before her. She gets a quick glimpse of his cock, half-hard, before he curses and turns around.

It doesn't help that his backside is just as nice to look at. He's well toned, muscles flexing as he reaches to grab the clothes he must have just discarded. He bends, giving her the most sinful view of his ass, and Saints, her mind goes wild. She pictures him turning back around and pushing her against the wall, slamming inside of her. As he fucks her, she would reach around and grab that delicious ass of his, dig her fingers into the plump skin, and leave little half-moon indents.

Mal is apologizing over and over again — "I thought you were Zoya!" — as he gathers up his clothes and makes a beeline for the door. Alina finally snaps out of her filthy fantasy and slides the shower curtain closed with a shaky hand. She leans back against the tiled wall, breathing hard. Her heart is pounding like never before.

The song is winding down. Olivia is crooning, God I don't even know where to start.

Neither does Alina.

~

By the time she musters the courage to finish her shower and leave the bathroom, her robe clutched tightly around her, there’s no sign of Mal in the apartment. Zoya isn’t back yet, either.

With a sigh of relief, she flops onto her bed. Her previous plans were out the window now. Taking a breath, she goes over the facts in her head. 

One: Mal has now seen her completely naked. 

Two: she has now seen Mal completely naked. 

It was the wrong thing to think about, because now she’s picturing the smooth expanse of his skin, his perfectly tight ass, and the quick glimpse she had gotten of his—

Heat pools between her thighs. She’s positively aching, when she should be feeling horrified. She should absolutely not be reaching for her vibrator as she lets the images of Mal’s naked body settle in her mind. It’s wrong, because Mal is, at least somewhat, Zoya’s, and Zoya is her friend. Besides, it was Zoya that he had come looking for, Zoya that he wanted to fuck against the shower wall. 

But Alina does grab her vibrator, and as it buzzes her to multiple releases, she imagines Mal shoving her against the wall, pressing kisses to her neck, fucking her like it’s his sole reason for existing. Fucking her like she’s his, and he’s hers.

~

She doesn’t see Zoya until the next morning, passing out sometime after orgasm number three. Saints, if the memory of Mal’s bare skin had been enough to keep her going for three rounds, she wasn’t sure she could even handle actually being with him. 

When she walks into the kitchen, Zoya is sitting at their tiny excuse for a table. “Good morning,” Alina says as naturally as possible. 

Zoya only says, “Sit down, Starkov.”

It’s unnerving, how quickly can could take over her entire body. Saying nothing, still going for casual, Alina sits across from her. “What’s up?”

“That’s my question, actually.” Zoya arches a brow. “What happened with you and Mal last night?”

Shit, shit, shit. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“Oh, I think you do. I know he stopped by before I got home. When I asked why he left, he got all weird and said something came up with Dubrov. But I know that’s a lie, because Dubrov was happily posting drunken stories last night. So obviously something happened when he was over.” Zoya sits back in her chair and stares her down, making her insides twist. “And since I don’t live with him, the only person I have to grill is you. So get talking.”

Alina sighs, knowing she isn’t strong enough to deny Zoya when she’s like this, and babbles out the story. Really, it wasn’t her fault. Mal was the one that walked in on her. It was just incredibly embarrassing for both of them. 

When she finishes, Zoya lets the information sink in, and then she laughs, harder than Alina has ever seen her laugh.

“Well I’m so glad this is funny to you,” she huffs, arms crossed over her chest.

“It is! I can only imagine your faces, shit.” Zoya wipes at her eyes. “Too bad you already know each other, that would make for one hell of a meet cute.” She pauses and says, “Well, it still could be your origin.”

Alina frowns. “Our origin?”

“You know, if you guys dated.”

She momentarily loses her breath. “What? No, you guys are a thing.”

Zoya rolls her eyes. “We’re fucking, Alina, that’s it. And actually, I was planning on cutting it off after last night.” She stands and pours herself what is at least her second up of coffee. “There’s someone else I’m interested in.”

“Someone else? Who?” Zoya says nothing. Alina pops up as it comes to her. “Oh! It’s that rich blond guy from the bar, isn’t it? The one that transferred here this semester. Nikolai or something, right?”

The tiniest blush spreads on Zoya’s face, and Alina squeals. “It is him! Saints, he’s attractive.”

“Yes, he is,” Zoya snaps. “And not bad for conversation, either.”

“Conversation?” She grins. “Why, Miss Nazyalensky, do you actually have feelings for this guy?”

Zoya scowls. “Shut it, Starkov.”

“Oh, you totally have feelings for him!”

“Keep it up and you will pay for this. I’m devising a plan as we speak.”

Alina just laughs. “Okay, Mrs. Whatever Nikolai’s Last Name Is.”

Under her breath, Zoya mutters, “Lantsov,” and stalks off with her coffee as Alina laughs harder. 

~

Zoya, apparently, hadn’t been kidding when she said she was devising a plan. 

When the weekend rolls around once again and Zoya texts the group chat they have with Genya about getting lunch, Alina jumps at the idea. She missed Genya, and it had been a hell of a week between juggling exams and thinking about her encounter with Mal. They haven’t spoken at all, and she had used her classes as an excuse to get out of any hang outs where he might show up. 

Zoya’s words from the morning after had been on her mind a lot, too. It still could be your origin. Could it? Was Mal even interested in her — and would he even want to try, after he’d had something with Zoya, or would it just be inevitably awkward?

Alina approaches the restaurant and sucks in a breath. She’s decided to finally tell Zoya about how she’s had feelings for Mal all this time, and maybe with her and Genya, the three of them can come up with what the hell Alina should do next. 

Zoya had texted five minutes ago saying she grabbed them a table in the restaurant’s outdoor patio, so she makes her way there. Only it’s not Zoya or even Genya waiting for her.

It’s Mal. 

He looks just as surprised to see her as she is to see him, and for a moment, she believes it really is some crazy coincidence. 

“Alina,” he says, standing. Neither of them can quite meet the other’s eye. “What are you doing here?”

Her hand is doing some nervous twitchy thing at her side, so she shoves it into the pocket of her dress. “I’m supposed to be meeting Zoya and Genya.”

Mal curses under his breath. “I’m supposed to be meeting Zoya, too.”

“Oh.”

“Yeah.”

Shaking her head and feeling incredibly stupid, Alina takes out her phone and fires off a text to Zoya, WHAT THE HELL????

The next message she receives comes from Zoya — only not in the text chat between the two of them, but rather a newly created group chat with the two of them and Mal. 

consider this the official end to our fuck-mance, oretsev. yalls little bathroom flash show was the perfect opportunity for a new beginning, because yes, i see the doe eyes you give alina when she’s not looking. you too, starkov. i’m sorry for getting in the way for so long. have a good date, no throwing bottles at each other xoxo

They finish reading at the same time, looking up from their phones, eyes meeting before flickering away again. 

Mal sighs. “I think I hate her.”

“I think I hate her, too.”

He scratches the back of his neck. “We don’t have to do this if you don’t want to.”

Alina bites her lip. Because he doesn’t want to do this, she thinks. “Oh, well, I guess—”

Mal cuts her off. “But it might be a nice chance for us to talk.” Her head snaps up, and this time when their eyes meet, neither of them look away. He smiles shyly. “I missed you this week, Lina.”

Her smile matches his. “I missed you, too.” 

They sit, and after the waiter takes their order for drinks and an appetizer for them to share — a sample platter, both of them too indecisive for any singular thing — Mal starts to stutter out an apology. Alina stops him with a hand on his arm. He looks down at where her fingers brush against bare skin, and she wonders if he’s thinking about all the skin they’ve bared to each other now. She certainly is.

“You don’t need to apologize, Mal,” she promises. “It was an accident.”

He shakes his head. “Still, I can’t imagine how terrifying that was for you.”

“Well, it was,” she admits, then adds, “at first.”

“At first?”

She shrugs, but says nothing, thankful for their drinks arriving to save her from answering. Because the truth was she had been scared for maybe three seconds. Once she had realized it was Mal, she’d only felt desire.

With their awkward shower encounter out of the way, they fall into fairly easy conversation, complaining about exams and projects, annoying classmates and neighbors. Soon enough, they’re back to being themselves. Alina pulls out her phone to show Mal all the memes and TikToks she had wanted to send him this week, and he does the same. Hours fly by without their notice, and now the dinner crowd is filing in. 

“Oi, I think our waiter is silently praying for us to leave.”

She laughs, pulling out her wallet. “Definitely.”

Mal waves her off. “Let me get it,” he says, taking his own wallet out. “I mean, since this is apparently a date and all.”

Alina hesitates, a little flutter in her chest even though he’d said it teasingly. “Okay, fine. But I’ll get the tip.”

“Deal.”

When everything is paid for, they stand. Going home is the last thing she wants right now, and not just because Zoya will be there. 

Mal looks ready to pull her into one of their standard hugs, but pauses. “Do you want to come over? We can find something shitty to watch. Mikhael and Dubrov will be around, but I just really don’t want to see Zoya right now.”

Alina smiles, the flutter in her chest returning with vigor. “Yeah, okay.”

~

At Mal’s flat, they settle onto the sofa together, close enough that their shoulders brush. Mikhael and Dubrov tease them about looking like lovebirds, but otherwise surprisingly leave them be. She doesn’t mind their company — but admittedly, she was glad they stayed to their respective rooms tonight. Mal puts on an indie horror flick that’s so bad it’s good, and they laugh and joke with each other throughout, per usual. 

About halfway through the film, they share a knowingly look — their that foreshadowing is so obvious, RIP to that character in twenty minutes look — and sport matching grins. But when the moment passes, neither of them looks away. 

“Alina,” Mal says softly, and her breath hitches. Has he ever said her name with such longing before?

His eyes flicker down — to her lips. She thinks of Zoya’s text then, basically calling both of them out for having feelings for each other. And while neither of them had confirmed it, they hadn’t denied it either.

Her heart is beating so fast. She gives him the tiniest nod.

Mal understands, he always does, and then he’s leaning in. Their noses brush before their lips do, and it could be silly or awkward, but instead it’s a different kind of intimacy she hadn’t known she wanted.

“Alina,” he breathes once more, and then he kisses her, so softly at first, it’s barely anything. Her stomach is doing cartwheels regardless. She takes initiative, kissing him back. Still soft, still careful, afraid that whatever this is between them is something fragile, something that needs delicacy. In some ways, it is. Her closest friendship, blossoming into something more. 

Mal lets out the softest moan, and it snaps something between them. 

He pulls her closer, his hand on the back of her neck, and now Alina is the one moaning, fervor replacing the softness, the delicacy. It’s the kind of kiss she’s been fantasizing about, made even better from how obvious it is that they’ve both wanted this for a long time. A desperate kiss bursting with desire. 

Alina shifts closer until she’s practically straddling his lap. Mal brings one hand to rest on her lower back, the other curling into her hair. His lips move to her neck, trailing down until he reaches her collarbone, where he nips and sucks, undoubtedly leaving a mark. 

“Mal,” she sighs, her head tipped back from the feeling as her hips roll against his. He curses against her skin. Her hands move to the hem of his shirt, ready to pull it off. 

All of a sudden, Mal pulls away, stopping her hands with his own. “Alina, don’t.”

She blinks her eyes open. “Do you want to move to your room?”

Mal bites his lip and shakes his head.

Alina frowns, any warmth in her chest turning cold. She quickly returns to her own side of the couch. “I don’t understand. I thought you wanted this.” Wanted me, she thinks but doesn’t say. Because he certainly had no issues with Zoya.

“I do!” he says quickly, taking her hand again and trying to pull her back. She holds her ground, pulls her hand out of his. “I do want this, Alina. Saints, I do. But this is technically our first date, right? I don’t want to do first date sex, not with you.”

Alina rolls her eyes, looking down and tugging at a loose thread on her dress. “Is this where you say something you think sounds respectful but really just puts down all the girls you have had first date sex with?”

“Alina, please look at me.”

Grudgingly, she does. 

“You’re different because you’re my best friend, and because I’ve been hooking up with our mutual friend.” She flinches, but Mal continues. “I don’t want you to think we have to have sex because of that. What I had with Zoya — it was good, and I care about Zoya, but it didn’t go beyond the physical. That’s all we wanted from each other. But that’s not all I want with you.”

Mal closes his eyes. Alina’s unconsciously holding her breath. He exhales and opens his eyes again, holding her gaze. “I want everything with you, Alina. I want your highs and your lows. I want to take you against the wall as much as I want to hold your hand.” He does so now, both of his hands around one of hers, and this time she doesn’t pull away. “And if you didn’t want to be physical? I’d still want you. I don’t want you to think there’s anything we have to do. That’s why I want to wait — even if I also want to take you to my room and pin you against my bed, too.”

“Oh,” she says, barely audible. Alina shakes her head, a little speechless. “I don’t know what to say.”

The corner of his mouth tugs up. “Was that too rom-com confessional?”

The tension breaks. She laughs and climbs onto his lap again, wrapping her arms around his neck. “You’re such a dork, but you’re the perfect dork. So we’ll wait.” She pauses and looks up at him with innocent eyes. “But will you kiss me again?”

Mal grins, pushes her down against the couch, and does just that. 

~

When she gets home, Zoya is waiting in the living room, reading a smutty romance book Genya had recommended. “Hey, how’d it go?” she asks, too casually to actually be casual. 

Alina ignores her and walks straight to her room. She’s decided to let Zoya sweat it out a bit for the weekend after her little stunt, even if it was successful. 

Though really, she didn’t think it would bother Zoya that much. Hard as steel Zoya, who never let anything get to her. But on Sunday, she bursts into Alina’s room, interrupting her studying. 

“Okay, I know you hate me now or whatever, but at least let me tell you that I’m sorry. I didn’t know how much you liked him, Alina. Not until Genya told me.”

Alina closes her book, frowning. “Genya told you?”

Zoya nods and sits at the end of her bed. “Recently, when I told her about Nikolai and that I was thinking about cutting things off with Mal. Don’t be mad at her, just be mad at me.” 

“Well—” she starts, but Zoya cuts her off. 

“And honestly? The worst part is, part of me did know. I saw the looks you gave each other, but I brushed them off because I was selfish and enjoying myself. I was a really, really shit friend to you, and I’m so sorry, Alina. You don’t have to forgive me, but I just—

Zoya stops mid-sentence, cut off by the laughter bubbling out of Alina. 

“Saints, I never thought I’d see the day that Zoya Nazyalensky grovels.” She shoots her a grin. “I accept your apology. And as much as I want to hate you for your meddling stunt, it worked, because we definitely spent the night making out. I just did the whole silent treatment to make you suffer a little.”

A moment passes — Zoya is completely still, too still — and then she grabs one of Alina’s pillows and smacks her with it. “You little rat!”

Alina only laughs harder, fighting off Zoya’s pillow attack with her hands. “I don’t think I’ve ever heard you say sorry non-sarcastically! You did so well, Nazyalensky!”

“And you’ll never hear it again! You’ve lost apology privileges! 

Eventually, Alina moves into the living room to study, and Zoya joins her. When their brains need a break, Alina tells her about her date with Mal, and Zoya tells her about her own with Nikolai. If this is their new normal, Alina finds that she really likes it. 

~

The next week is outstandingly better than the previous. She’s back to talking to Mal each day, even more than before. Halfway through the week, he sends her a song with the message, This song made me think of you the first time I heard it, still does every time. It has her heart beating extra fast as she listens on her walk to class, not only because it’s incredibly sweet, but because Mal has played this song for her before, months and months ago, which means he’s felt this way the whole time. 

Early Saturday evening, Zoya announces that she’s spending the night at Nikolai’s. “He has his own apartment, so it just makes sense. I’ll be home in the morning, probably.”

Thank the Saints for rich boys. 

She texts Mal, and Zoya’s barely gone for ten minutes before he’s there. They make dinner together — well, Alina sits on the counter while Mal does the actual cooking, but he spends any down time kissing her, so she likes to think she was the moral support. They eat on the couch, watching their favorite trashy reality television, and play a few rounds of Mario Kart afterwards. Really, it’s just like how things were when they were simply best friends, except now Alina drapes her body over his as they watch their show, Mal’s thumb moving in slow circles on her ankle, and instead of talking or playing on their phones during ad breaks, they pick up where they left off in the kitchen, their lips pressed together in a blissful ease. 

They’re on their fifth game of Mario Kart, Alina in the lead, as she has been every round. She’s bragging about how she’s going to beat him again when suddenly her vision is blocked as Mal presses his lips to hers. 

Her surprise doesn’t stop her from dropping her controller and kissing back. She’s just getting into the kiss when Mal pulls away as quickly as he had started the kiss. He stands, and only then does she see he never dropped his controller. Picking up right where he left off, he steers Luigi towards the finish line. (“Who the hell picks Luigi?” Alina had asked him once. To which Mal responded, “It’s not fair people only care about his brother when he probably works just as hard at their plumbing business. It’s just like people only knowing Adam Levine and ignoring the rest of Maroon 5—” which led to a very cute rant that Alina spent less time listening to and more time staring at his lips while he was distracted.)

Alina fumbles for her controller, but it’s too late. Mal hasn’t come in first — some of the computers still beat him. But he’s beat her, which by the smirk on his face, was his only goal.

“You’re such a cheater!”

“It’s not cheating, it’s strategy.”

“I suppose you need your strategy, since you don’t have any skills.”

Mal raises a brow, a devious look in his eyes. “Is that so? Perhaps I should show you my skills, then.” He moves in front of her and kneels on the couch, a leg on either side of her body, essentially pinning her there, and kisses her again. 

Immediately, she can feel the difference from the strategy kiss and even the ones from earlier that night. He’s kissing with purpose, cradling her face with one hand, the other on her waist, and Alina is melting against him. She is putty in Mal’s hands, his to mold how he pleases. 

He’s holding himself so that his weight isn’t pressing down on her, but that’s exactly what she wants. Her hips buck up against his, and Mal pulls back to moan, “Fuck, Alina,” so she does it again.

“Please tell me we can have second date sex.”

Mal chuckles. “Are we even going to bother with the dating process?”

“I don’t know, are we?”

“I don’t know. Do I need to ask you to be my girlfriend?”

Alina grins. “I wouldn’t mind hearing it.

“All right. Alina, my beauty, my beloved, will you bless me with the honor of calling you my girlfriend?”

Her grin widens, and giddy butterflies dance inside her chest. No, not butterflies — fireflies. She can feel their warmth and wouldn’t be surprised if she was glowing from their light. “Oh, I suppose.”

Mal laughs. “I can’t stand you,” he says, and kisses her again.

Alina returns the kiss for a moment before murmuring against his lips, “You don’t have to stand me, but now that you’re my boyfriend, can you fuck me?”

He practically growls as he says, “Saints, yes,” standing and lifting her with him. Mal brings them to her room, kissing her the whole way. He unceremoniously shoves her school books off of her bed, laying her down and crawling over her. “You don’t know how often I’ve imagined this,” he murmurs, lips on her throat. 

“Tell me,” she gasps.

“Every time I came over, Alina. Every time.”

A shiver runs down her spine. “Even when you were here to—”

“Especially then.”

She has no idea what to do with this information. Her head is empty of thought save for the screaming need for more of him, so she pulls his shirt over his head. This time, Mal doesn’t stop her. Her hands roam over all the places she’s been dying to touch; down his back, tracing along his spine, up over his stomach, fingers running along the muscles of his chest, brushing over a few scars he’s accumulated through the years.

“You’re so perfect,” she whispers. Smooth in some places, rougher in others, but so incredibly warm everywhere.

Mal tips her chin up, kisses her lips once, hard, and then another to her jaw, down her neck, her collarbone. Then he’s the one tossing her shirt aside, his lips continuing their decent. He’s pressing soft words into her skin as he kisses her — beauty, beloved, cherished, my heart —murmuring his love for her even as he brings her nipple between his teeth.

“Shit, Mal,” Alina breathes. Her hips keep bucking, far beyond her control. He chuckles, murmurs something along the lines of no patience, and quickens his pace. Soon enough, he’s got her undressed completely — which isn’t too unnerving after the shower incident. Any lingering nerves flee once his head is between her thighs. She’s suddenly very thankful Zoya isn’t home, because even though it’s never been a problem during sex before, she absolutely cannot control the noises she’s making — and she’s loud.

Mal returns to her with glistening lips. She kisses him and tastes herself, a thrill better than any rollercoaster. Her hands move to the waistband of his pants, giving a half-hearted tug. “Off.”

“So lazy,” he teases, unclasping the button on his jeans, tugging down the zipper. “I could always make you work for it.”

“Have mercy on me, Oretsev. I’m still recovering from the pleasures of your cocky mouth.”

He looks so proud of himself, she wants to kiss him just to wipe the smirk off of his face. “If you enjoyed my cocky mouth, just wait until you feel my—

“Do not finish that sentence.”

But then he’s pushing down his boxers, and all Alina can do is stare as the cock in question springs free. He’s fully hard this time around, and her thighs squeeze together at the sight. He watches her as she practically drools over his dick, his smirk becoming even, well, smirkier. She reaches out and curls her fingers around his length, giving him two quick strokes — both to clear the smirk from his face and because she so very much wants to touch him. 

“Fuck, Alina,” he hisses. He’s reaching for his jeans, probably to grab a condom from his pocket, but she grabs his hand.

“I’m on the pill, and I’ve been tested recently.” Of course, there’s still a slight risk. But it’s Mal — finally Mal — and she wants to feel every inch of him.

He pauses, then nods. “Okay.” Crawling over her, he takes one of her hands and intertwines their fingers. With his other hand, he grips his cock and drags the tip through her folds like the damn tease he is, eliciting needy mewling from her that he seems to enjoy. In her ear, he murmurs, “How do you want this, Alina?”

“I don’t want to be able to walk tomorrow.”

Mal chuckles softly, but the sound so close to her ear sends more shivers down her spine. “As you wish, moya solnishka.” My little sun.

She has only a brief moment to bask in the sweetness of his words before he’s slamming into her all in one go, anything sweet flying out the window. Mal keeps a steady rhythm while sucking on her neck, which is good, because all Alina can do is moan incoherently as her nails leave scratches down his back.

When he senses her getting close, Mal brings his finger to her clit, circling just right. “Saints!” she cries, and comes undone beneath him once again. But this time, she gets to watch him fall over the edge with her, his eyes so incredibly dark as he moans his release. He’s the only man she’s ever let come inside of her, and it feels very right that it’s Mal — she doesn’t want anyone else filling her like this, marking her in a sense as his spend drips down her thighs.

They stay like that for a while, foreheads pressed together, sweaty and sticky, but blissfully so. 

“So, is the sex still good on this side of the apartment?”

In answer, he dips his head and bites down on one of her tits.

“Shit, Malyen!”

“Ridiculous questions get ridiculous responses,” he teases, then wraps his arms around her, tucking his face into the crook of her shoulder. “You’re all I’ve wanted for two years, Alina, and this still beat my expectations.”

Smiling, she rests her chin against the top of his head. “Good. I would hate to have to start fucking in Zoya’s bed just because you like the airflow better there.”

“Smart ass,” Mal mutters, but he’s smiling. Then he says, "You know, this may not be my first time fucking in this apartment, but I’m still checking off a first tonight — of many, I hope.”

Alina rolls her eyes. “Yes, I’m aware this is your first time fucking me in this apartment, dumb ass.”

"That’s not what I meant, rude ass.”

She frowns. “Then what did you mean?”

He squeezes her hip. “It’s my first time spending the night.”

Her heart does a little jump in her chest, and she doesn’t even have it in her to tease that she hasn’t actually asked him to stay yet. But stay he does, though he gets her off a few more times before they pass out for the night — definitely beating her vibrator. One time it’s with his fingers, so incredibly long that she knows all her fantasies will involve the slender digits now. Another is after Alina murmurs about how filthy she is and that she really ought to take a shower. 

Mal waits long enough to join her that she starts to worry he hadn’t understood her intent. But then she hears his footsteps, and the shower curtain opens. There’s no bottle throwing this time, though she can’t say the same for the screaming. He steps into the shower, kisses her slowly, sensually, then pushes her back until she shivers from the feeling of cold tile against her bare skin.

“I meant to ask, you do know you have mirrors in here, right?” Mal murmurs huskily into her ear. She’s too disoriented with want to understand until he says, “I saw you staring at my ass last time.”

Then he slams into her, and Alina no longer has to imagine how it feels to be fucked against the shower wall.

[turnthedirtintojoy]

I finished Rule of Wolves last night and although it was a thoroughly enjoyable read (as everything Leigh Bardugo writes) and an overall satisfying ending to the series, I do have mixed feelings about some of the choices that were made. And there were some VERY big plot holes. Some thoughts below the cut. Beware: spoilers.

Things I liked:

It was so nice to dive into this world one more (last?) time and to see all our beloved characters again (my Crow babies, Alina, Mal, Misha, Oncat...). Leigh’s writing was on point as always, and she really did a great job expanding this universe as well. We got to discover Shu Han and see a bit more of Fjerda, and this novel, I feel, has a lot more scope than the previous ones. 

Leigh’s main strength remains her characters. Nikolai was delightful as always. Zoya’s arc was absolutely amazing. Nina was still the badass waffle-loving pansexual queen we all love.

Rule of Wolves offers great representation with a diverse set of characters. I never really clicked with Hanne’s character, but their story was told with grace and subtlety, and I love that Fjerda now has a gender non-conforming Grisha ruler (and they don’t even know it). Zoya’s road to acceptance of her Suli origins was also a nice touch. 

I’m really grateful that we got a happy ending for most of the characters. Obviously I love that Nikolai and Zoya are endgame. Nina has found love and joy again. And although we only got a brief glimpse of the rest of the Crows, I like where they’re at (Wesper living happily, Kaz ruling the Barrel while Inej rules the True Sea).

Things I didn’t like:

So many plot holes and inconsistencies... 

1. Let’s talk about the Ice Court, this supposedly unbreachable Fjerdan stronghold. It takes a whole book for the Crows to break into it, and they literally have to blow a hole in the wall with a tank to get out of it. But in ROW, although it is specifically stated security has been reinforced since the prison break, people seem to come and go as they please. Nina breaks into the Drüskelle sector not once, but twice. Not to mention Magnus Opjer who mysteriously manages to escape with nothing but a bone dart. Sorry, I don’t buy it.

2. The ending to Nina and Hanne’s story makes absolutely zero sense whatsoever. Why would Nina choose to keep Mila’s face? Couldn’t Prince Rasmus just marry Nina Zenik now that Fjerda is at peace with Ravka? It would make sense as a political alliance for the Prince to marry a Grisha. I hate that Nina will have to live as someone else for decades. Also, are we supposed to believe that Hanne will fool everyone as Prince Rasmus? A large chunk of KOS is devoted to Isaak’s training and difficulties to impersonate Nikolai, a man he has known for years and with the help of his closest friends (Genya, Tolya, Tamar...). He barely scrapes it in front of nobles, but Hanne will somehow manage to pass as Prince Rasmus, a man she barely knows, in front of his parents? That seems highly unlikely... One would say improbable.

3. As much as I adore the Crows, their appearance feels a bit forced and doesn’t really work narratively. I loved the Ketterdam chapters (of course I did), but they don’t really belong in Rule of Wolves and feel out of place. First, why would Nikolai and Zoya go in person? Also, we are talking about a Demon King and a Dragon Queen with an army of Grisha at their service, and they can’t manage without the help of Kaz Brekker, a 19-year old gangster, to steal stuff? Once was cute, twice is pushing it.

4. Since when are there Suli settlements in Kerch? And if Kaz knew it, why wouldn’t he tell Inej? This makes no sense.

Apart from this gaping holes, there are a couple of choices Leigh made that I am not a fan of. I mean, why kill David? On his wedding day no less! Hasn’t Genya suffered enough? I usually like a good character death, but this felt needlessly cruel and and it didn’t really advance the plot or the character. 

The other thing that sort of bugged me were the two main romances which felt really dragged out. I love slow burns as much as the next person, but not every relationship needs to be slow burnt. It took almost two books for Nikolai/Zoya and Nina/Hanne to admit their feelings for each other while it was obvious to everyone involved that they liked each other since early in KOS. Leigh was trying really hard to find excuses to keep them apart until the very end and it kind of got tiresome at one point.

Finally, let’s talk about the Darkling’s storyline. COMPLETELY UNECESSARY. I mean he is by far my favourite antagonist in the Grishaverse (the other ones are a bit too one-dimensional), but bringing him back for so little was a waste of pages. I really didn’t like his arc: it felt forced and rushed and made very little sense. The blight storyline was solved in one chapter and didn’t really tie in with the rest of the story. Unpopular opinion but I also didn’t like that the Darkling had POV chapters. Kind of ruins the mystery of the character. I was fine with his ending (endless agony in exchange for Sainthood), but the fact that Genya, Alina and Zoya changed their minds five pages later kind of ruined the whole thing...

Despite its flaws, I still loved the book and devoured it in only a few days. I’m always sad when I finish a Grishaverse book and have to say goodbye to these characters, but thankfully we have the show coming out in a few days!

What did you guys think of ROW?

[where-theres-smoak-2]

What Was Aleksander Thinking? (The Runaway)

Ok so I am bored and I can’t sleep so obviously I decided to rewatch S&B again. And as it always does it got me thinking so I am thinking I might do a series of posts centred on various events that take place in the show and do a deep dive into what Aleks was thinking, what his thought process was during those events and how those thoughts influenced his actions. This post obviously being the first in the series and this time I want to focus on Alina running away and what Aleks’ thought process was when he was pursuing her. So obviously show spoilers here. Also as always this one got really really long.  

I’m going to start with the moment that he discovers she is missing. Obviously we know that he leaves because he has just received word that an assassin has made it into the LP and attacked Genya and Marie with Alina being the target of the attack. We can assume during the time he is away, and whilst Baghra is outing him to Alina, that Aleks was likely in the fitting room being filled in on what happened. So whilst away he would have learned that not only was there an attack but that Marie had died in that attack. I think we don’t think about how much this would have hurt Aleks. He built the LP as a safe haven for Grisha, its suppose to be the one place where they are truly safe, but now one of his grisha has died inside its walls. I feel like this would have made Aleks even angrier and maybe even guilty and like he failed in providing that haven he had promised himself at 13 he would make for the grisha. So naturally upon hearing that the assassin had actually killed a grisha his immediate response instead of going and speaking to The Conductor/ assassin is to check in on Alina. You can see how eager he is to see her as he comes into the room. When he doesn’t see her in the war room he doesn’t panic right away, instead he heads straight to the bedroom whilst calling her name and knocking in the most adorable way on the table as he goes. It is when he discovers that Alina isn’t there either that I think he begins to become worried. The next time we see him is when he is crossing the grounds and encounters his mother. The context of this scene though is important because the scene before it shows Jesper with the coaches and he quickly hides as soldiers go running by shouting ‘He’s over there!’ and ‘Quickly, get in there!’ Seeing as this scene follows right after Inej kills the Inferni, I actually think this was when they had just discovered the Inferni’s body. So when we see Aleks crossing through the grounds its likely that he has also just learnt that another one of his grisha has been killed which would indicate that the assassin wasn’t alone. So knowing this he is naturally very concerned about the fact that he can’t find Alina. We can see that he is very agitated, he is walking fast and looking around quickly, checking everywhere, his fists are clenched. Then he comes across his mother who can obviously see that he is searching for someone but she assumes he is looking for M*l. This is one of the things that makes me sure that Aleks really did care for Alina because at this point he is so focused on Alina that he has completely forgotten about the Stag, which seeing as the stag is the thing that will give him control over her powers if her powers were the only thing he cared about he wouldn’t have forgotten about it. Instead he has to ask his mother who she is talking about because the only thing he was thinking about in that moment was finding Alina and making sure she was safe. After his impassioned speech about Alina being the one that his mother interrupts with ‘but where is she’ I think Aleks begins to suspect that maybe his mother had something to do with the assassination attempt, maybe she helped them into the LP, she had just admitted to disposing of M*l after all. So he warns her and points out that she doesn’t matter anymore either. I kept wondering what he meant by this line and I think it might be because up until now I feel like Aleks stuck with his mother because she was the only other immortal and so despite them not really seeing eye to eye he knows without her he will well and truly be alone. But now there is Alina and she is immortal and so Aleks won’t have to be alone if he leaves Baghra. When he’s warning her I did notice that Baghra did look sad and hurt when he says that she doesn’t matter. He is basically telling her that she is disposable herself now, that he no longer needs her. Of course this conversation only agitates and worries him further. As he walks away you can see him clenching and unclenching his fists and to me it looked like he was trying really hard to keep calm and keep his emotions in check. As he is walking away Baghra calls after him ‘I reckon you’d need a skilled tracker to find her now, pity.’ Obviously she is mocking him here but this does tell him two things, one Alina is still alive and two she’s not in the LP anymore. 

 After his talk with his mother he goes to The Conductor to interrogate him, I do think part of the reason he goes straight there is because he wants to know whether his mother did help the crow crew kidnap Alina but also because he is desperate to find Alina as quickly as he can and so needs all the information he can get. At first when the interrogation starts Aleks is his usual calm and collected self. But Aleks is very smart and after centuries on this earth can read people very well and so he very quickly figures out that his prisoner is The Conductor by putting together the report from Nina and the fact that The Conductor says he crossed the fold with three others. Here we actually see Aleks become angry, The Conductor is clearly someone he already hated, he even loses his cool and shouts when talking about how The Conductor smuggles grisha out of his palace and helps them abandon the war effort. He manages to get his emotions back under control and again when he continues he appears calm, but his eyes betray his anger, however that venom he feels towards The Conductor comes through again when he questions whether The Conductor had something to do with Nina’s disappearance. At this point he knows this man has smuggled grisha out of the LP, has helped a crew planning to kidnap Alina into the LP, has tried to kill Alina. It doesn’t take much for him to put all the pieces together and figure out that he was also working with Zlatan. The look of absolute hatred and loathing on Aleks’ face when The Conductor admitted that he agreed to kill Alina for Zlatan for a million kruge was actually really chilling. This was the man who had tried to take Alina away from him, the woman who he had waited for, had longed and ached for over hundreds of years and he was going to take her away for something as materialistic as money. The moment he admitted to it The Conductor had signed his death warrant. But you know what? I also think he signed the death warrants of everyone in Novokribirsk too because I really do believe it was at this moment that Aleks decided to take drastic action to get rid of Zlatan and his rebel forces. This is what he means when he says to The Conductor ‘No. I think I’ll take care of that myself’ when he offers to get revenge on Zlatan for Aleks. As he is walking away The Conductor asks how he can help and Aleks replies that he already has, which is true, he had helped Aleks decide what to do with Zlatan, he had confirmed by not mentioning her that Baghra hadn’t helped kidnap Alina though in Aleks’ mind he thinks she clearly knew something about it considering she made that comment of where is she, he doesn’t know about his mother’s own plot to help Alina escape so he probably assumes his mother saw the crows take Alina, and he also now knows that it was in fact the crows that took Alina so he now has a target to pursue.   

So by this point Aleks has realised that Alina is missing and has now discovered who took her, so now its all systems go in searching for her. This is when Fedyor comes to give his report about Nina, but when he says he has a lead on ‘her’ Aleks thinks he means Alina and you can see for a moment that he is relieved, happy and hopeful. But then you can see his disappointment when he realises Fedyor is talking about Nina and he looks a little angry too which I think is the residual anger left over from The Conductor and from the fact that he has lost two of his grisha within the walls of the LP. When he tells Fedyor to go as far as he can and bring back any grisha he finds I think this is again because he wants to protect grisha and he wants them behind the walls of the LP so they can be protected but he also wants ‘one of theirs’ because the events of the night have clearly brought up alot of his anger at the grisha being hunted and killed and how that never seems to change, he is very much in this mindset of wanting to hurt anyone who has even so much as thought about hurting even one of his grisha, he wants vengeance and not just for them trying to hurt Alina but for trying to hurt grisha as a whole. So this means killing the Conductor, this means killing the crows, this means killing Zlatan and this means killing any Fjerdan/ Witch Hunter he can get his hands on. I really do think that Aleks was coming to a breaking point and I think the catalyst for that was losing Alina, he feels unbalanced and lost without her and as the time that he is away from her goes on he becomes more and more erratic and unhinged.    

The next scene we get is between Zoya and Aleks and he instructs her to assemble a team which includes David because they are going to be pursuing Alina’s ‘kidnappers’. Zoya is clearly confused about why David is going to come and Aleks answers that he’ll need him for what comes next obviously meaning after they find Alina and needing him for the stag amplifier. Now I’ve said this before but I really don’t think this is because he was already planning to force the collar on her and steal her powers. I actually think Aleks is thinking more along the lines of, I nearly lost Alina to an assassin and now she has been taken against her will to essentially be sold to some stranger across the fold, I need to get her back and then I need to make her as powerful as possible so that if there’s a next time that someone tries to harm her she’s even more powerful and even more capable of defending herself. If she has the stag amplifier then there’s even less chance that he will lose her and she will be even more his equal. Throughout this scene we can see that Aleks looks flustered and scattered, he’s moving from place to place, he’s picking up one map then looking at this piece of parchment. He’s very distracted and even when giving instructions to Zoya he barely even looks at her and is only half paying attention when she starts asking questions. When she then brings up the possibility that Alina was rescued and ran with the crows Aleks actually looks really irritated, he doesn’t even consider it as a possibility, his facial expressions is basically saying why are you bothering me with this nonsense I’ve got more important things to worry about like rescuing Alina. I mean it is very obvious at this point that he believes this is a rescue operation. Zoya keeps pushing saying that Alina didn’t fit in, that she was under alot of pressure and this is when Aleks snaps a little. He tells Zoya he knew exactly how Alina felt, that the King’s men treated him the same way. Zoya is clearly surprised at his outburst, this is someone who is usually very in control of themselves. You can also see on Aleks’ face that he realised he let out more information than he meant to, he’s surprised at himself. Then he sighs and shakes his head while sinking onto the bed, clearly hit by fatigue and tiredness and says he’s not feeling himself. It’s actually a rare moment of vulnerability, one that Zoya responds too by bringing up how he used to call on her. Aleks makes it pretty clear he’s not interested in talking about that with his very dismissive ‘Did I?’ Zoya doesn’t take the hint though and keeps pushing continuing to talk about how she used to help him relax clearly offering to help him ‘relax’ again. But Aleks just dismisses her again and says he’ll relax when he has Alina making it very clear to Zoya that whatever they had in the past is staying in the past. 

I do think that Aleks is grappling alot with his past in this episode. I think alot of things are reminding him of the past, The Conductor and Nina being taken by the Fjerdans is reminding him of all the suffering and prosecution he’s witnessed his people go through and how he was hunted by the old king, his conversation with his mother reminding him of his poor relationship with her and all the issues he had with her over the years, Zoya reminding him of how lonely he was and how he used to seek comfort through a casual fling with her just so he could get some human contact when he was feeling particularly stressed and of course Alina being missing reminding him of all the lovers he’s lost, in particular Luda. On top of that as I said before he’s feeling very unbalanced without Alina. His emotions are all over the place, he’s clearly still very worried and concerned for Alina, he’s feeling alot of anger at the crows, at his mother, he’s feeling the stress of trying to find Alina whilst also dealing with everything else that is going on like Nina also being missing. Basically Aleks is just not having a good time of it. So by the time he leads the hunt for the crows and comes across Kaz he’s already in a pretty foul mood. Also as a mentioned above he has alot of anger at the crows for taking Alina and killing grisha in the LP. When Kaz says that they don’t have Alina and that she fled on her own Aleks for a moment looks surprised he literally stops dead in his tracks. But he gets this look on his face and you can see he is trying to figure Kaz out and looks very suspicious and comes to the conclusion that Kaz must be lying. So again he insists on knowing where Alina is. But again Kaz says he doesn’t know, that it was obvious she didn’t want to be a captive anymore. You can see it starting to dawn on Aleks that Kaz may be telling the truth, him talking about how she didn’t want to be a captive anymore and Zoya earlier talking about how Alina didn’t fit in and was under alot of pressure and Aleks is starting to think maybe Alina felt trapped and ran by herself. You can see that he has tears in his eyes and is clearly very hurt at the idea that Alina left him willingly. He becomes angry and tries to kill Kaz. I said earlier that Aleks is very much on a hunt for anyone who he believes has wronged him or the grisha and the crows are very much on this list so naturally when Kaz escapes this only makes Aleks angrier. In those moments right after Kaz escapes Aleks is left alone with his thoughts and you can see him processing everything and to be honest the man looks completely destroyed. He’s clearly struggling alot with this new information that Alina ran on her own, that she didn’t want to be with him, that she chose to leave him. Now this bit is more my theory on what I think he might be thinking at this moment its not really based on anything just to me it would be a natural thought process. But I do think on his walk back to the carriage he would have been thinking it all over and coming up with a plan. So what is this new plan? Well I think Aleks would figure from what Kaz said about being a captive and everything Zoya said, that Alina is feeling trapped and is maybe getting overwhelmed by everything and so ran away scared. I mean when he does get back to where the carriage is supposed to be he actually seems alot calmer and I think this is because he believes now that yes Alina ran on her own but she only left because she just got overwhelmed about having so many lives to safe and once he finds her he can calm her down and reassure her and she’ll come home again. This is why he doesn’t seem bothered about chasing the crows, as much as he hates them and as much as he wants them dead, Alina is his priority and as he says she is on her own. Basically he is back in the mind set of she needs my help, she’s on her own and she’s scared, I’m going to find her and bring her home and keep her safe. 

Of course all that changes when he speaks to the guy Alina attacked. During the first part of the conversation Aleks seems happy and relieved, he knows Alina was there and now he knows that she headed into the woods. But then the guy makes the comment about her being a spy and talks about how a first army tracker was also looking for her. I think in this moment Aleks thinks he’s figured out what happened, but is obviously wrong. He thinks that his mother helped Mal rescue Alina and that Alina chose to run with Mal and the two of them are going after the stag together. Here’s why he thinks that, firstly he knows how Alina has strong feelings for M*l and vice versa. Secondly Alina made that comment in episode three asking if any grisha had escaped the LP, thirdly his mother told him that Mal was dead and yet not only is he alive but he is with Alina which looks really bad for Baghra, he probably thinks that Baghra convinced Alina to claim the stag for herself and then sent the two of them after it so that Aleks couldn’t get the stag’s power. He probably thinks this was a long term thought out plan that took place during Baghra's lessons with Alina that they were conspiring together. He might even think that the kisses he and Alina shared were actually Alina trying to get him to let down his guard and distract him. So he is now feeling angry, hurt, betrayed and used. Also from the way he says the line about orphan’s of keramzin reuniting he is also obviously jealous and to be honest I also think he’s heartbroken. I think it’s telling that when he informs his team that she’s in the woods and going after the stag he uses miss starkov, he does often interchange what name he uses for her depending on the situation and in this case I think he’s trying to distance himself from her again to go back to that formality. I believe this is the moment he decided that he was going to kill the stag himself and take Alina’s powers for himself. He has decided that he has been a fool and that he can’t trust her, that by letting her in he lost sight of his mission to protect the grisha and that’s led to him losing three of his grisha in the last 24 or so hours. He can’t risk the grisha’s future again so the only path he can follow now is to force Alina to help him by taking control of her powers. He’s not merely searching for her anymore, he’s hunting her.

When he does finally catch up with her alot of his thoughts are confirmed for him, she is with M*l, she is with the stag so in his mind he must have been right about it all, she did chose to run away with M*l and go after the stag herself because she is acting against him along with his mother. But as I’ve mentioned in previous posts I also think in this moment seeing Alina distressed over an injured M*l and desperate to save him and the stag he is thinking alot about Luda and how he was once in a similar position and I do think the protectiveness he feels for her and his desire to save her from going through the same experiences he did takes over. As angry at her as he is and as hurt as he is, he still cares deeply for Alina, he just doesn’t think he can trust her anymore because in his mind she betrayed him for M*l and now instead of them working together she is working against him. I think this is why he does have that conversation with her before he puts the collar on her about how there’s nothing more powerful than the two of them together and how they can do anything together. He wants her to be on his side again. But he doesn’t have all the information, he believes that his mother has said something to Alina to turn her against him but he doesn’t know exactly what she said. He gets little clues once he is reunited with Alina, he knows that Alina knows his name is fake, that she has told her about the stag, seeing as Alina also keeps asking about the fold he has probably guessed that Baghra told her about his plans to weaponize it. When talking to M*l he discovers that M*l knows he is the Black Heretic and likely assumes that Baghra told him. But it isn’t until he goes to talk to Alina that he realises the mistake he’s made, that Baghra actually told Alina that he is the Black Heretic and that is why she ran. As their conversation continues and Alina says that line about how they could have had this, they could have had it all, he realises that she didn’t run because she wanted to be with M*l, she didn’t kiss him because she wanted to distract him and bring his guard down. She ran because she found out he had created the fold. When she puts his hand on her collarbone and says ‘instead you made me this’ he realises just how big of a mistake he’s made and that he really has lost her now. By putting the collar on her he proved his mother right and so now Alina doesn’t trust him at all. He became the villain to her and he can’t take it back. So instead he commits to it and instead he focusses on his original mission of protect the grisha at all cost and he once again distances himself from her. 

Ok so that’s it for part one of ‘What Was Aleksander Thinking?’ I’m not sure how many of these I’m going to make or even what scene or event I am going to do next, but they are fun to do and it gives me a reason to keep rewatching scenes, so I will probably be posting another one fairly soon. If there are any scenes in particular anyone wants me to write about feel free to let me know.  

[noirshadow]

New Beginnings - Ch 6

New Beginnings Ch 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6

Ch. 6 - The end!

Thanks for reading and supporting! ♥️

————————————-

“Saints! I’m so happy for you. He always seemed so stoic but professing his love like that! And giving you a key…how romantic. I remember when David and I got serious…” Genya’s eyes glaze into a faraway look as she reminisces.

Genya was folding laundry on the sofa as Alina sat on the floor next to her, holding a sock with blue cars on it and looking for its match in the giant pile in front of her. She came over to her neighbor’s the very next day to chat through the recent developments. On the one hand, it was exciting - like a high school sleepover dishing about a giddy new crush. On the other, it was coming to terms what what she still needed to do. And she could hardly face it.

“But when are you going to talk to Mal? Aleksander is being patient but you have to do it soon. He loves you and you love him so what are you waiting for!”

It was true. Since that chat, Aleks had not brought it up again. Nothing had changed but there was a tinge of torment in his words - a slight quiet that wasn’t there before.

Tonight, Alina was going over to surprise him with dinner. She hadn’t seen or talked to him much in the past week. He had been working quite late and had been very tired so she thought a nice homecooked meal would help. She went grocery shopping with Genya to prepare the ingredients for a nice hearty stew. She was anxious to see him and just wanted to be close to him again.

——

Alina let herself into the big house with her key. It was chilly and she turned up the heating in the hallway thermostat before going into the kitchen.

As usual, everything was immaculate. She unloaded her ingredients on the island. She paired her phone to the little speaker on the counter to her favorite mix and got busy with the cooking.

“Hello?” A voice came from the entryway.

Alina was so engrossed in her music and the cooking that she didn’t even hear the front door. A second later, Aleks materialised into the living area and came up to her. Hugging her from the side. He burried his face in her hair.

“Something smells nice. What a lovely surprise. I’ve missed you this week.” Aleks breathed, kissing her head before bending over to look at the stew.

“This looks amazing. I’m starved.”

“Go wash up - it’s almost ready. I’ll set the table and then we should be good.”

“Great. I think that Cab you like will go great with this. I’ll open a bottle when I come back down.”

15 minutes later they were seated at the table. The beefy aroma of the stew was great - Alina outdid herself here, she thought. It was just like she remembered from home and Genya’s seasoning tips were a perfect compliment to help finish the dish.

“How was your day - how was your week. Tell me everything.” Aleks asked thickly as he started spooning the stew into his mouth.

“It was fine. I saw Gen today. Didn’t do much this week - too cold out. Just some errands and had to take some suits of Mal’s into the cleaners…”

Alina balked as the mention of Mal hung heavy in the air. It was accidental and she hadn’t meant to. Evoking his name cut through their pleasant evening as they both thought about the conversation they were avoiding.

Alina gulped. She picked up her glass of wine and downed it to avoid saying anything more. Aleks noticed, staring, but did not say anything. He picked up his empty plate and went over to the sink. He started loading the dishwasher and busying himself with the cleaning.

“Aleks - you don’t have to do that. You’ve had a long day.” Desperate for a change in topic, Alina quickly got up to help.

“Don’t be ridiculous, you cooked for me. This is nothing.”

After cleaning up the kitchen, they sat down on the sofa. The air was still a bit tense and awkward ever since Alina said the M word. She felt desperate to say something. She had to say something. But what? There was nothing to say. No news or update. They sat there in front of the cozy fire and she was leaned against him with his arm around her but she felt the slight stiffness to it.

Sitting up, Alina turned to look at him.

“Aleks, I’m sorry. I know I have to do this and it’s been killing me. But I just haven’t been able to muster up the courage. I love you, you know, right? And I want a life with you. But I just —”

“Alina, let me stop you right there.” He put a hand on her shoulder.

“I am never going to put pressure on you. But you know I don’t want to wait. I’m ready to start our life together. And you know it’s not right - the longer we leave it. I won’t ask you again because this is something that you need to do. But I am here and waiting. And I will be here when you are ready.” Aleks spoke resolutely but there was a slight falter in his voice.

“Are you…are you asking me to leave?” Alina trembled.

“Milaya, no. Of course not. But, this can’t continue this way. You know it’s not right, don’t you? It’s not fair to Mal and it’s not fair to us.”

Aleks gripped her with his arm and kissed her gently on her cheek right on the tear that had escaped down from her eye.

The rest of the night they sat mostly in silence, deep in their own thoughts. Alina slept over but neither of them slept much. She curled toward him, longing for closeness. He lay there, ramrod straight, no attempt to touch her back. Both wide awake within their thoughts.

At dawn, Aleks roused her gently, sitting on the edge of her side of the bed and kissed her cheek. He smoothed her hair as Alina slowly blinked awake and brushed the sleep from her eyes.

“Morning,” he whispered.

“What time is it”, she said sluggishly, still waking up.

“Something’s come up at work and I have to go into Os Alta for a couple days. I’ll be back on Thursday. Think about what I said yesterday. I’ll be waiting.”

Alina, suddenly wide awake, reached up, arms around neck and hugged tightly burying herself into his chest. Absorbing that minty pine smell, fingers woven through his hair to memorize the feel of it in her hands.

He gently pried her off. “I have to go. Love you.”

And he was gone. Alina fell back into the sheets and cried. Not just for this messy situation but for herself and for all the time she had lost. She completely emptied herself - the reservoir of tears she had stored away over the years.

——

Hey, you’re still going to be home tonight, right?

Ya, but not till 8. What’s up?

I was hoping we could talk about something. I’ll wait for you to eat and we can get a delivery or something.

Works for me. Chat later.

Since Alina left Aleksander’s house three days ago, it had been complete radio silence on his part. To be fair, it was probably good for Alina to have the space. Clear her mind and figure everything out. Aleks’ distance felt like of ultimatum proportions. The ball was in her court and it was only fair to everyone to sort it out.

Her heart was steady and unflinching - it knew that her path ended with Aleks - but her brain was a flood of anxiety at confronting Mal. She would have to think with her heart, then, tonight.

Alina sat at the sofa with a glass of whisky - solitary cube clinking around the cup. She normally wasn’t big on liquor but the evening called for something stronger. She heard the front door go and Mal coming down the hall.

“Alin? I’m home.” Mal came into the room, briefcase still in hand. He stood in the doorway inquisitively.

“What’s up? Everything ok?” He came over and sat down on the armchair facing her.

Alina was glad of the space. She had a blanket over herself on the sofa and it was hiding her shaking hands.

“Yes. I just need to talk to you. How are you, how was your day?” Alina didn’t even know where to start. She could feel her throat tightening as the dread gripped her.

“Ya, all fine. Busy as usual but Mr. Lantsov is really pleased with my work in the past few months. He was hinting today at next steps for me if I can get the Van Eck deal closed. Will have to hit it hard and put in some late nights for the next while…”

Alina felt bad. Mal had no idea what was coming. But she had to do it. It was time.

“So, I need to talk to you. I still don’t think this is working.”

“What do you mean? Come on, Alina… you know I have to focus on work right now.”

“It’s not just that, Mal. I mean, it’s part of it, but don’t you think this - us - hasn’t been working in a while?” She looked at him, waiting for a reply.

Mal’s face was still. It went from slightly annoyed to now grave.

Quietly, he said, “Oh. That.”

He contemplated in silence for a few moments and continued on slowly, “I mean, you know work is really important to me. I thought moving here would help. Get away from the city and all that. I guess when I think about it, I was just skating by with us. Work was consuming me anyway so I thought we wouldn’t ever have to deal with it. ”

Alina sat up, scooting closer to where Mal was. Eyes full of sincerity. The way forward was clear now and she was going to finish this.

“But that wasn’t the problem. Even the work wasn’t really the problem. When was the last time we hung out together and had a blast? Not since college, I think. Even the few times here with Gen and David, you had to take some calls and were preoccupied with your phone. I think…I think that I love the idea of us and you mean so much to me. We go way back and you’ve almost always been in my life. But it’s not love, like real love. Don’t you think?” Alina fought back tears, choking them down as she said this.

Mal leaned back into the armchair and sighed, eyes closed. Alina gave him the time to collect his thoughts.

He opened his eyes and sat up a bit straighter.

Sighing deeply again, “You’re right, Lin. Maybe this conversation is overdue. I’m sorry for how this ended up and that I made you unhappy. Work has somehow become my priority and everything else got left by the wayside. I think I also loved the idea of us. It also didn’t help when I thought about what that would also do for my professional capital. But that’s my fault. It was unfair to you. To us. I did love you though. I do love you. Just probably not in the right way.” Mal’s eyes now also started to water up. He looked away toward the window.

“Oh Mal. I do love you too. It’s not your fault. It’s both of us not having the courage to talk to each other. And honestly, I wouldn’t have done it if we hadn’t moved here. Being here, meeting Genya and all the new friends in the neighborhood, it opened my eyes. Seeing Genya and David, I could see what I could have had - what we both could have.”

Mal rubbed his eyes and got up, sitting next to her on the sofa. He put an arm around her and gave a wan smile.

“We did have some fun times, though, didn’t we? I wish it could be different. But my career is the most important thing for me right now. I don’t know how that happened in a blink. Over the years, I didn’t even know what has changed or where my priorities have changed. I’m sorry, Alina. Truly. You don’t deserve this. Or me. But you mean so much to me - I just want you to be happy. And you’re still my best friend.”

“Don’t take it on yourself. It was both of us. Things change and people change.” Alina sighed.

Alina put her head on his shoulder. She felt exhausted from carrying this burden the past few weeks. But, it was over now. But somehow, although she loved Aleks, she still felt a bit shitty from all this. To be fair, she thought, Mal was a huge part of her life for a long time. It was still going to be a hole in part of her identity. But it was one that Aleks could fill. It could heal as she moved forward in her life. Thinking about that, she thought she should have mentioned Aleks, that she owed it to Mal, but there was no point. And it wouldn’t have changed anything. Mal would just have felt worse. All roads led to this anyway. He was just a catalyst.

Now, she had to see if she could rectify that situation. Take the step forward and meet his. Show Aleks that she was ready.

Mal moved to get up from the couch. Alina looked up at him expectantly.

“I’ll pack some stuff up. I’ll either go to Ilya’s or the office. You can stay here and we can figure out what to do with the house and everything.”

Alina could feel the color rising on her face - heating her cheeks. He didn’t know it but she felt so guilty all of a sudden. She could tell him she could go to Aleks’ but it didn’t feel right to say that now. She would wait awhile.

“You can stay. There is plenty of room - even for two of us - and it’s not like we hate each other or anything.” Alina gave a small smile.

“No, it’s better this way. Fresh start and all that.”

——

An hour later, Mal had packed up a bag and got ready to leave. She walked him to the door and they awkwardly lingered for a moment. It was weird. The end of a long chapter.

“Well, see you, Lin. I’ll message you before I come back for anything.”

“Bye, Mal. When you can, just let me know that you’re ok.”

One last hug. It was drawn out longer than normal - both holding on for the last time.

Alina closed the door and leaned against the door for awhile. She felt relieved and sad at the same time. She also felt exhausted from the swirl of different emotions. She slid down to the floor, head leaned against door and closed her eyes. She sighed, relaxing for a moment. Slow breaths, in and out.

After a short while, her eyes flew open with exceptional clarity. She was ready.

She ran out of the house without a coat. Sped down the familiar route to 1121.

She didn’t even ring the bell. Knocked repeatedly on the large wooden door.

Turn of the lock and there he was.