#no ones afraid or worried to lose me or that ill leave because im dumb enough to stay/to ask to talk/to keep it all in and move on

[blearyfaced]

.

[curious-menace]

Can you do headcanons of any Riddler getting cared for and gentle kisses from reader after getting beat up? He needs some loves.

SO I MAY HAVE SUGGESTED THAT MY ULTIMATE FANTASY IS TO GIVE RIDDLER A HUG WITH BACKRUBS AS HE TELLS ME ABOUT HIS DAY AND I STAND BY THAT WHOLE-HEARTEDLY .

i freaking love this stuff so im going to do all of them mwahahah

post asswoop riddlers getting loves

Arkham riddler

He’s VERY quiet, which knowing him and his inability to stop talking, is  bad news.

I paint arkham riddler as a cry baby and i stand by that. this is the hill i will die on. He’ll have dragged his sorry ass into your apartment or house , dripping blood on your floors but he wont bother calling for you. he’ll just sit at the table with his head in his hands having a lil pity party until you find him.

when you do finally get home, he’ll be looking like a kicked puppy. he’s gotten stuck in his own head, mentally beating himself up even more. he got a fright when you came in because he was so caught up he didn't even hear you at the door.

He’s literally sits there like a child with his arms up for you to come scoop him up. he’s not even sure why his first thought after getting beat up was to come here, he’s probably lead the cops here or something and that was so stupid and- you should probably give him a lil soft smooch on the head to stop him before he goes into a spiral.

he needs more emotional and mental care than physical. Talk to him while you're patching him up. any topic, it doesn't matter just keep him focused on your voice and not the one in his head calling him dumb.

he wont admit he wants to be held and coddled after something like this. get your softest blankie and 2 mugs of coco with marshmallows and just ramble at him. tell him about your day or ask him to explain something boring and complicated so he’s focusing on that rather than how upset he is. let him sit on your lap or between your legs on the sofa and watch how its made or mythbusters or something until he falls asleep. he should be ok again in the morning, he doesnt stay down for long. 

Blacklight Riddler

He’s used to getting his ass kicked, either by batman, the other rogues or once he’s a PI, by unhappy clients and the people he put away. He might be tiny but he’s pretty tough. 

even if he’s really hurting, his probably trying to crack jokes and tell blood and bruise related riddles. He doesn't like to see you worry so even if he’s in a lot of pain or a bit upset about things, he’s trying to make you smile.

he likes kisses on his bruises. even if he just banged his hand on the table he’ll come to you because he wants you to kiss it better. 

He’s a decent fighter, unlike a lot of riddlers who couldnt fight their way out of a paper bag. He can throw punches but he lacks in defence and with his bad knee, dodging can be a little hard. even if he wins the fight he’s still likely to need you to patch him up.

He likes kids plasters. like hello kitty and spongebob. no im not joking, he ALWAYS wanted them when he was little and his parents always said no. now he’s an adult he’s going to use them whenever he damn well pleases.

 if it was a particularly bad one, he’ll be ok in the moment even if he has to go to hospital. But he’s going to drop the facade at some point and let you see how upset he is. winding up in hospital after being beat was a common occurrence in childhood. even after doing it time and time again as an adult it doesn't make it any easier on him. he’ll want to stay in your bed, be close to you for few days until either he starts to heal or something snaps him out of his funk.

BTAS Riddler

he really prefers other people to do the fighting for him. well physically anyway. he can handle his own arguments...most of the time. He’s going to need you to nurse a bruised ego more than anything. he probably got dunked on my batman or crane and now he’s huffing.

i don't know if this counts as care and kisses but he clearly needs you around to keep his sorry ass alive. he hurt his side in a fight once and said he wasn't hurt. believable... until he started to act a little confused, a little dizzy. needless to say it worried you enough to take him to emergency care. 

He was obviously in agony by now but he was still fighting with you the entire drive there, insulting you and insisting he was fine. its a good job you took him when he did, turns out he’d ruptured his spleen and would probably be dead if you weren’t around to act like his common sense.

he still hasnt apologised for that. or any of the other times you insisted on medical care to stop him from pushing up daisies. he just pretends like you know he’s grateful so he doenst have to admit he’s bullheaded, stubborn and worst of all, wrong. 

if he has been seriously hurt, he acts more indignant about it than anything. he wants to be waited on and pampered while resting in bed. he can be a genuine pain to deal with, talking about how lucky you are to see him in such a vulnerable state and how you should be grateful he’s letting you do this for him.

He doesn't want to admit how much he actually needs you. his goons wont put up with him when he’s like this and he’s freaking paying them to do it. you do it for free and no matter how annoying he is you havent left him yet. he doesn't tell you but youve noticed he starts getting you more gifts about a week after he’s recovered. like its taken him a day or two to work out he should probably thank you for all you do.

Original Riddler

this riddler is just weird. like he gets a freaking hang nail and he pretends like he’s dying. but he could nearly lose a limb and he’ll say “tis but a scratch” and still try to hobble about like nothing is wrong.

actually he’s more like olaf “oh look i've been impaled.”. he probably tries to laugh off life threatening injuries like its nothing, taking maybe 3 steps before he collapses on his face in a blood puddle and lets out a tiny “help”

good luck moving his tall lanky ass around. better get a gurney and maybe those vets at the zoo who deal with giraffes. seriously if you want to take care of him you are going to need help or some sort of action plan and a go bag because with his limp butt this will not be easy.

he’s kinda like BTAS riddler in that he needs you to tell him the injury is serious. hes not dumb he just has a high pain threshold and genuinely doesn't realise that injuries are as bad as they are. 

he can be a bit of a baby while being patched up. he doesn't like a lot of blood or gore, it makes him feel a little sicky. better give him your phone to play with like a kid at the doctors or put the tv on for him to watch while you bandage  him. word of warning, he will pass out or throw up if you try to give him stitches.

i think you should focus your love and attention on him AFTER medical care. just focus on the job, be silent and as fast as possible to get it over with quickly. you should probably bring him something sweet too. no not just you, although you are sweet for looking after him. give him something sugary because he’s going to be light headed after seeing any blood. maybe you could give him a lolly for being a good patient. 

Telltale riddler

this riddler is essentially a metahuman. he can REALLY take a beating and bounce back fairly quickly. just look how many times batman punched him in the face and it barely stunned him! he doesnt usually need patched up after a fight. maybe just a lil smooch and some hugs

he did really need your help after the whole pact thing. having his friends abandon him hurt like hell, more than any physical injury ever could.

after that, he clings to you. almost obsessively so; we know he’s got some serious mental illnesses but he usually has the worst of it under control, even without meds. now? it seems like he’s experiencing ptsd and is afraid to go anywhere without you, like you might up and disappear if you arent in his line of sight at all times.

i think this riddler might need the most intense care from you. hugs and gentle reassurance wont be enough. you’re going to be responsible for taking him to therapy, keeping him taking his meds and grounding him to reality. this is the kind of responsibility you took on when you got involved with him but i doubt you realised how hard it would be. i cant promise it will all be worth it but i can promise he wont ever forget your kindness.

the kind of care he needs after such a hard knocking down is just stability. im not one for romance or any mushy gushy stuff but please just pour your love into the cracks in this poor mans soul.

its hard going, but he has his moments. his gallows sense of humor is still there and hey, after him being in and out and gone for so long, it might be nice to have him around more.  

Zero year riddler

INSUFFERABLE LITTLE SHIT THIS ONE. he could LITERALLY be bleeding out in your arms and he’d STILL be backseat driving on your medical skills. the temptation to just leave him there to bleed is INCREDIBLE.

he’ll drop the act eventually. he’ll ask and maybe even beg for your help. man has  no shame and all the self preservation instincts of a lemming. dont get me wrong, he can be a total coward some times, only looking out for himself . but when he’s actually hurt ? not a fuckin clue. does this head wound need an ice pack or heat pack? is this spurring blood wound worthy of medical care? no idea. he was a very sheltered child who never got so much as a bruise so he has no idea what to do when he’s hurt.

he gets the everloving shit kicked out of him on a clockwork basis. like you could hear knocking on your door at 3 am and already be at the table with a first aid kit like oh its tuesday riddler must have broken his nose.

he takes entirely too much joy in making you patch him up. youre starting to wonder if he’s doing it on purpose just to see you in your little apron and latex gloves . he’s getting off on this and you know it but god help you, you just  cant resist his dumb face asking for your help and would you also wear this pink nurses outfit while youre at it?

one time he lost a LOT of blood. he would be fine but he was pretty damn loopy from lightheadedness. while you were trying to get him into bed to rest he started flirting with you. can you believe the audacity? he’s lost 3 pints of blood and he’s still more focus on his libido? 

he’s actually going to be both humble and grateful for your help when he finally comes round. dont get me wrong, he’s still a bit of a prick but at least he says thank you for saving him before he demands you kiss all his booboos and ouchies. 

nonnie i am having a stroke. i was trying SO hard to just pick one but i COULDNT because i am WEAK for hurt and comfort.

theres a reason i have a tag that literally says “i have naughty hands and no self control”

someone needs to stage an intervention

got something you wana talk about? send me an ask or a dm! im always game to talk about our favorite curious menace 💚💜

[fairycosmos]

Will u please give a poor soul a wee bit of advice as you’re a goddess of wisdom. I’m going into my last year of high school in a month & I feel so overwhelmed with the stress of the final exams and the application process for college. I’m mentally ill & while I used to be a good student, I have fallen down a slippery slope & I don’t know if I can deal with the pressure. Should I take a gap year before I go to college? I think it may lift some weight off, but it may also do more harm than good.

hey babeyyyy :(( i'm really sorry to hear that!! school is so fucking stressful and it's natural to worry about your final year, it just means you care about doing well. that's to be expected. but if you have preexisting mental health issues, your brain may force you to compulsively wonder about worst case scenarios and uncontrollable factors, as a way to induce self hatred or anxiety. it's a tactic, a side effect. but a lot of these thoughts do not reflect your reality or what the future will actually be like. there's no way of knowing, and you still have a whole year to adapt and to learn. the most likely outcome is that you will find a middle ground eventually. so breathe. i know it feels unimaginably awful at the moment, but identifying the difference between fact and fear will allow you to stay grounded in the present. it's ok if it takes a while to get to that point, or if your emotions overwhelm you at times. you've gotten through it before and you will again. sometimes all you can do is cry and lose it and let the 'episode' run its course. but as long as you're even just attempting to cope in a healthy way, through talking to someone you trust or distracting yourself, then you're doing great. better than you realize. another important thing to keep in mind is that your mental health is always more important than your education. just because it's your last year, doesn't mean you have to drop everything, no matter what the adults tell you. your academic career doesn't have to be linear, doesn't have to look like everyone else's. if you have to take a mental health day, or ask your teachers for additional support, you are TOTALLY entitled to that. in fact i encourage it. 'that' part of your brain may try to twist the narrative, may try to place blame or guilt, but your mental illness is not a reflection of your capability or your worth. and neither are your grades. don't ascribe morality or personhood to a letter on a page. the actual experience of leaving high school will probably teach you more than your lessons, in a good and bad way. anyway it's cool if you don't quite believe me right now, but i just hope that concept sticks in your head. ultimately though, all you have to do is take it a day at a time. create a simple short term plan and stick to it as best you can, repeatedly. with regular breaks of course. and make sure at least one of your teachers knows the gist of what's going on so you can keep an honest dialogue with them. it's a matter of finding what works for you, and adjusting accordingly. prioritising your mental well being should always be your goal, because everything starts with you. if you're not practicing self compassion, everything else feels a hundred times more daunting.

anywhere as far as the gap year goes, i think it's a good idea if it makes the upcoming year feel less scary. it's your life and your desicion. and theres literally no wrong answer. and you have a while to mull on it, you don't have to know for sure right now. if you need some time to truly focus on yourself then there's no harm in that. in fact i kind of think it's a sign of maturity when you know what you need and how to give it to yourself. if you can recognize that you're slipping, then that's actually a good sign. because you understand that you need help. you're not buying into any illusions. as a side note - of course, school brings structure which alleviates the impact of many mental health issues. when i briefly left college, i had no excuse to leave the house, and everything festered and i became even more isolated. though i did need that break to figure some shit out. as with everything, there's positives and negatives. so just be sure to keep up with smaller goals if you take time off, that's all. use the break to look into getting professional help if you haven't already. and try to practice self soothing exercises on a weekly or daily basis, even if you feel dumb. gap years are great tools if utilized correctly and fuck anyone who has anything to say about it. college will always be there, and even if you don't go at all for any reason - it wouldn't be the end of the world. there must be a lot of pressure rn for you but so much of it is just,,, bullshit. hindsight will allow you to see that. just gotta let yourself get to that point by living the natural solutions to your worries, and getting by a day at a time. when that feels like too much, an hour at a time. you're obviously still young as hell and your future is so much wider than your brain is allowing you to see. i promise! above all though, keep in mind that there are people to talk to and countless resources out there whenever you're struggling - whether it's at school, or in your community or your family, or through your doctor - there is always someone to turn to and always a way forward. the biggest trick of mental illness is that it convinces you otherwise, but it's a notorious liar. so. try not to self isolate even when the urge is there, and done be afraid to talk about what's going on in your head. let it be embarrassing. block everything else out and look at what will make you feel happier with your own existence from an objective perspective. cause that's all that matters really. anyway i'm wishing you so much luck with your final year and whatever happens, i hope you make some decent memories :) be sure to cut yourself some slack when possible. remember, the desicion is yours, no matter what. sending a lot of love to you!! let me know if you need a friend or want to walk more about it. (also goddess of wisdom sfhjhsdhh im a whole dumbass but. thank you lil peach 💞)

[ts-autumns-world]

Episode 4: “Tua supremacy babey” - Lily O

I GET TO REUNITE WITH JINX YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS

me waking up to see that im in the new tribe: https://media.tenor.com/images/93212119a4887f9fa0ad945c7ae2a5d0/tenor.gif

tbh i expected the swap since like we have 14 rn so its a reasonable number to do a swap before the merge.. but like this swap sucks not only me being the only one from og eener but its also me having to be with these 4 whites ppl. you know i don't trust white ppl except mikki SDFSDFSDFSDF so this absolutely SUCKS. and geekoffilm is on another tribe too.

URGH i hope i can team up with jinx and jude. and joey and i used to play together in CoW so hopefully, i am able to make him want to work with me again.. but monty... monty is very skeptical cause like they could just vote me off now. BUT THEN, i know that either jinx or raffy has the idol for sure, so maybe i need to ask jinx for that. or i just ask the person who i'll be up against with in the tic tac toe to throw a challenge if they are the og eener too. 

much to think about bestie booth. i wanna trust these ppl so bad but i have trust issues

https://youtu.be/JrXnnD5KU0I

---

naur this is the plan if we go to council

imma be like joey

you are the only cis white man on the team

you have to go. 

you wanna be an ally?

THIS IS HOW!!!

so im pushing for u FEWEJFEEFJEFEIFEFIJW 

heS ALWAYS SAYING HE WANTS TO BE A BETTER ALLY

ALWAYS CALLING ME LIKE JINX IM SO SORRY

ILL BE LIKE FOR WHAT?? 

HE'S LIKE FOR BEING A WHITE CIS STRAIGHT MAN. 

IF UR REALLY SORRY ULL LEAVE!

I have to start this out by saying Giraffez, I’m so sorry! I tried my best but too many people wanted to keep us comp strong and wanted Lily O to stay. I really wish we would have had the chance to play longer together but sometimes it’s just not in the cards.

As far as swap goes, I’m really happy about my team. We have a majority from my original group which is pretty wild. I wish Chips was here and I really hope he makes it work somehow but I’m ngl I’m a little worried about him.

I was so so thrilled to see Jinx on Tua with me. I also have started talking with Captain and Jude. They both seem super nice so as always I’m hoping to avoid tribal once again.

I’d like to the think that original Llih (was that how you spelled it?) will stay together but Giraffez told me that Lily O told her that she was voting for me. Now obviously we all voted Giraffez but I think Lily O knows I was plotting. So. I hope we can stick together. But. Yeah. Your girl is worried. And excited. She is excited cause this group seems cool. But nervous because yeah I’m not ready for another vote out. Mkay. Bye.

This swap went pretty well for me all things considered. I still have a bunch of people from my OG Tribe, and the new people seem active and really nice! So, I like my tribe. Blake offered to me today to work together closely in the game which I am down for. The semi-inactive people need to stick together and all that lmao. Other than that, I am straight Vibing

Swap time! honestly its time to kick it into high gear and win this immunity challenge! make some real allies!

HELLO AUTUMNS WORLD!!!!!! So I have arrived in a swapped team with 3 of my old members! SOOO happy Mikki is here firstly since we can discuss basically anything. Blake and Raffy im also cool with but not like as close with them. Maybe a bit more with Blake. Of the new people my fav is Chris !! Already liking our chats and hope it can turn more strategic later maybe!! Ricky is also cool and funny and chips I was allies with him in Kili which is cool but probably the weakest connection of the new people so far!! It looks like we are gonna lose and if so its kinda hard like on one hand we have easy majority to vote off idk probably chips or maybe ricky or we could go against tribal linesI think Blake truly does wanna work with me tho but is just busy. Like going against tribal lines is kinda fun but maybe dumb. And chips being the 1 in a 4-2-1 swap sucks too!! Idk kind of evaluating the vibe with Mikki and will see what we think later if we lose… we would probs be safe regardless being protected by tribal lines on one side and having developed sorta good vibes with Chris and Ricky from the other side so probs wouldn’t be targeted from that angle either?? Hopefully… I did have kind of a delayed start with the new people cuz of irl stuff but yah we will see!

My opinion on swap was initially sad because I was missing out on Jinx/Jude/Joey/Captain BUT then I realize I like this tribe?? Im with Ricky still, Mikki probably is sitting at the cookout as we spesk, Chips is lowkey goody but I got my eye on him, Benj and I bond over Agatha Christie <3, Blake I knew from TDI so we have been goofin like a Goofy movie, Raffy I actually enjoy that we chat of the most mundane things, and that's everybody! I think I have a chance to survive on this tribe

---

My thoughts are that I've got Ricky and Mikki at minimum. I know Mikki/Raffy got beef but I doubt they go for each other. Chips is like a level-headed Joey but I reckon one of him/Blake/Benj will be targeted if I had to guess. Nevertheless me and Captain talked during our matchup and exchanged info. My hope is me or Ricky are in Outhouse but I also hope not so we have higher odds to keep the goodies all goodie and safe

https://voca.ro/18WSqZznajDx

---

I LOVE JUDE

so idk where my last confessional left off but i think it was before tribal. so after tribal, jinx’s manifestations came true, we swapped, i ended up on a tribe with no one i knew except chris, so that was kind of…nnng. but hey, gotta roll with the punches. me and jinx were paired up for the challenge which game me a bit of time to talk with them, and they gave me some insight on ppl i didn’t really know on my tribe, and also they gave me a tarot reading, and it basically said that while i’m probably gonna have to deal with some bullshit, i just have to use everything i’ve learned to get over any obstacles, and stay calm and collected through it all. i’m really really praying for this one, since we just lost immunity, and now chris is going to the outhouse, i’m afraid that i’m truly all alone now. and if there’s one thing that scares me it’s being alone. i really like mikki tho, and i heard benj was good ppl. maybe if i let them know that raffy might have the half idol then maybe they’d be more inclined to work with me, but i also really enjoy raffy’s presence, so i don’t really want him to be a target. blake and i have had a good amount of dialogue so i’m hoping that he’d be willing to work with me, to be honest. ughhhhh why why why tribal. WHY TRIBAL. in all my years of playing tumble survivor i’ve never been sent to like…and exile or redemption island ONCE. not once….ever…. please god let me get to the outhouse just one time.

First of all, lemme just say I'm so amused by how quickly my chances of no-votes went RIGHT out the door. But also thank god that it went off without a hitch! And right before a swap, no less New tribe is definitely iconic. LOVE Jinx, Captain and Jude are cool too, and then my Llih buddies are also v nice to have (shoutouts monty and joey)

Tua supremacy babey

https://youtu.be/oP7DWOnmt40

https://youtu.be/Z3_pyWTdRh8

https://youtu.be/UFshPYJ98z0

hello confessional booth... i'm here to give you um. something i hope!!!! 

well since the swap, i feel like i've managed to fit in better than i expected cause ive been feeling under the weather and i don't rlly have energy to talk to anyone (which is so great that our tribe won this IC) but i rlly need to work on that more for sure..

joey wants to work with me.. like a lot. we worked together for a bit in CoW before he was voted out and he was a great ally to me back then so i think i can trust joey a little bit? and he rlly wants the pocs to go far so i think this is a good sign.

with jinx, we've been wanting to talk about the outhouse thing but jinx wants to call and i've been feeling sick so we haven't called but hopefully we can do that soon. i trust jinx a lot and i know they're gonna take care of me.

jude.. you know i like her since i saw her intro vid so yup gonna need to talk to her more!!!

lily c.. my fellow teacher pls SFSFSDFSD i enjoy our chat a lot like idt its much but every time we talk, with her, it just feels great and nice and like we just get to know each other so far so i hope we can talk game a bit more but we'll see

lily o.. we haven't talked since the day the swap happened. idk why. maybe she's busy or maybe i should dm her first so i think i'm gonna do that tmr my time if i have the energy.

and monty... PLEASE idk if i can trust monty or not. like he's a good friend of mine but my experience in orgs with them is that they tried to break the swp apart (which was smart but then mikki and i are both playing so gotta keep an eyes on them)

i'm just trying to feel good and hopefully recover soon cause i hate being sick. idk i'm scared of covid!!!!! but i haven't gone outside for a week or two methinks so we're gonna pray and see.

---

missing mikki and hope she will be fine

Blake suggested starting an OG Eneer alliance to Mikki and Benj. They took them up on the offer so I guess I am in my first alliance of the game based on arbitrary reasons. In any case, they seem to want to vote out Chips which is a RIP. But whatever keeps me safe for one more round.

I don’t have an obsession with the Mr. Robinson’s Neighborhood sketch from SNL... No I clearly don’t... https://youtu.be/whfQf3Pd5bU

It’s my chronic overthinking in this swap that is going to do me in, I feel. It’s the pressure of having to actually think differently, and coming off of EVERYTHING I’ve seen in this community over the past 6 months, oh good Lord have mercy, I feel as though its so hard for me to want to not sacrifice my game, but at the same time... I feel all the pressure in the world to flip. I did have a lucid dream that if I got to a point where I consistently voted only white people at every Council, it would make my game look REALLY good by comparison, since I literally did everything I could, and no, I don’t want to hear anyone post season say this was rigged for Jinx, it’s not, we’re only going to go against each other down the road because of how this season has been set up, and it breaks my heart

https://photos.app.goo.gl/eSvSGkc4zmBfnYVP7

So here's some tea I suppose. I was a pretty big fan of the tribe swap because people talked more in general. This was particularly interesting considering their different timezones but continued ability to keep up conversation. It was pretty apparent that I was at a numbers deficit from my original tribe but my hope was that people didn't want to play like "that" and then if they did that my former tribe would throw it to keep the numbers. Apparently that is not true as Lily C went as hard as possible to win a challenge she could have convincingly thrown as an "accident" multiple times. At any rate, based on the total lack of communication with me concerning who I am voting it is evident that either the plan is to vote someone without telling me or that it is to vote me. This means that regardless of the situation I am in a terrible position and will be leaving sooner rather than later. I don't know that I've been swap screwed in the past (perhaps, I've been playing for too long) but it really stinks. 

For the TL;DR watch this: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dzftXB28gBE

 http://www.purplerockpodcast.com/wp-content/uploads/survivor-pearlislands-lillian-morris-no-sir.gif

As I'm writing this, I have a big gulp from... you guessed it... 7/11. I need to flip on one of the three of Monty, Lily O, and Lily C. My best option is going to vote for Lily O, I need Monty and Lily C to know I'm only doing this because yanno, things look awfully awful, and the pressure of making the right move and yet making sure I don't lose relationships is starting to get to me.

I also need them as shields because theyre the only winners in this game, and I need them here as shields for down the road heading into a merge.

I can't even believe I found TWOA IDOLS! I had to think a lot about who to give it too but I decided to do what felt like the smartest thing to do. Jinx and Captain already trust me and I enjoy Ricky but he gives semi chaotic energy. With that in mind, I had to give it to Jude as a sign of faith. Not only am I wanting her to do well, but I want to prove to her I legit want to work with her come merge 😊

https://youtu.be/vOn8Zsi0njA

https://youtu.be/UWTB-LYjbu0

for Chips: https://youtu.be/lSeDZdSEl4o

[contactlense]

wanna read something absolutely batshit insane?

???

each time i look at my reflection im not quite sure who’s staring back

now i carry all these ghosts but i dont think i’ve ever known

each time i close my eyes i think maybe i’ll be different when i wake

but every day’s the same

they go just as they came; as if no time has passed at all

it’s as if i’m waiting for an apparition of

someone i haven’t met yet

will i ever get that?

i want to run away,

ditch the phones, ditch the games

but something like fear of missing out

keeps me here, exactly the same

i’ve got a lot to lose. or so i thought.

(people to disappoint, people who love me a lot. )

whats the point of all that love when i don’t know who i am?

that stranger in the mirror needs to grow/ into someone that i can understand.

im not sure how i can do it/ when im afraid to let go

money to spend, money to waste,/ jumping around from place to place

its not my shit to jerk around, /just use it wise and settle down

finish what you started before you run again

finish what you started and maybe you’ll find you can/ finally get to know

that stranger in the mirror

maybe you’ll have to stay here for now

maybe you’ll actually figure out how /to stop romanticizing the lives you’ll never live

or maybe, just maybe, you’ll get it

i want to leave

for something uncomplicated

i dont think ill make it

things stay complicated

you’re kidding yourself

life isnt that simple

life isn’t the story you think you can write

do you want to live inside your stories?

do you really want that life?

the thing about being alone is theres no pretence to uphold

nobody to lie to

but your own reflection in the mirror

if you can even see it

im not alone

but sometimes i wish i was

so every time that i fuck up theres no one else to clean it up

no more guilt

but thats not something i can just make up

maybe the pain would be easier if my life was actually tragic

something real to cry about instead of the thoughts inside my head

only you can change yourself but not enough

not enough to get it

with all the people tying you down

its not enough room to grow, to really grow

but loosening those ties would mean i’d have to make it on my own

i need my medication. thats the part that fucks me up. if i leave i wont be stable, i wont be able to get by.

i get so dramatic when im sad, but am i telling the truth?

is this how i really feel?

when im lying by myself in bed it seems like the biggest truth

but morning comes and the alarm goes off

and i think how silly, how dumb, how crude

unrealistic, privileged thoughts

maybe i’d be better off

going to sleep at 8:30.

this isnt a new feeling. year after year i have the same thought. if i could just run away from here, maybe i’ll find what i want.

“here,” where is “here”? i’ve been so many places and i always want to go. and so i leave but where i land is not where i want to go.

its where i think i should be, to please the people who keep me on my feet

unrealistic, privileged thoughts.

if one of them was gone you’d regret everything you ever wrote. you’d beg god to bring them back but no one’s listening, and you know

that all the things you think you want

would kill you just the same

as the life you think that you resent

so maybe all you’ll ever feel is pain.

sick. twisted. ridiculous. privileged thoughts.

just because others have it worse doesnt mean that your feelings mean any less

but how the fuck can you say you’re unhappy when you know you’d feel worse if you were them

since i feel this type of pain maybe giving it all up is what i deserve

if i’ll be unhappy anyways, why not give me a real reason? i need a real reason. it doesnt make sense. i feel alone, but not in the way that i want. i want peace of mind.

the only way i think i’ll get it is if i move to the countryside

only do the work to get the money that i need to survive.

otherwise i’ll tend to plants, read a book, count the ants

count the stars

and hope a new life will find me here

without ties to who i was

just being who i am

i am who i am from moment to moment

i dont think im ever the same

when i started writing i felt i had a different name

a different face

there is no future

there is no past

if one day at a time is all we’ve got

i’ll erase it all, close my eyes, and hope that when i wake up it’ll look a different way

i should send this to my therapist. theres a lot to unpack. but i think i laid it all out, rearranged it, and put it back together, the same way i always do. i get upset. i get angry. i reframe it. and it feels empty. an empty promise of tomorrow. there’s nothing to be upset about. just finish all you started. the same cycle every time.

cycle. im about to get my period.

if none of this is how i really feel, then why does it happen Every. Single. Time. ????

the same thoughts. the Same Shit. it must be true. i think im deluding myself every time i get through it because it’s the only thing i know how to do. the only thing i think i should do. lay it out, reframe it, pack it all back up for the next time it explodes.

im fine. im alive. but am i? doesn’t feel like it.

every time i take a breath i feel like i have to document it. i have to write it all down. if i have nothing to show for it, did any of it really happen? in 100 years someone may find this and know that something happened here. someone felt something.

when i write things down i feel like im not alone. there are no people around, how i like it, but at least i am known. i want to be known. in anonymity. i want to be known when it’s all over. that’s all. but we’re all marks that get worn away by time. we sink into the ground and make way for new things, new life. nothing is permanent, except it feels like it is when you’ve only got so much time. it feels like the clock is running out when i haven’t even been here long. how do i have all these thoughts when i haven’t even been here that long??? things move too fast for me. i need everything to slow down. to experience a year for the length of a year. all 525,600 minutes of it. instead of being worried about whats coming next. it feels like a bunch of cars are speeding at me and i have to get out of the way. i just want to get out of the way but there’s nowhere to go but between the cars or under them. it feels like they’re just narrowly missing me. my heart beating fast, thinking “that was close,” over and over. i’m tired of it. i’m tired of mental and emotional labor. i’m so tired of it i think about defaulting to physical labor. moving things around from place to place for a living. helping life move along for a living. not bringing new things into it that no one needs or wants. nothing to complicate anything further. less thinking. more doing. having something to show for your labor instead of an obscenely long note in your phone and dried tears on your pillow and a C+ on a computer screen.

sometimes i think maybe i should fuck it up on purpose. make them kick me out. show my parents i actually couldnt do it. that i wasted time and money. make them cut me off financially and fend for myself. then it wouldnt feel like quitting or running. it would feel like this is how my life is now. this is what i have to do or i’ll drown.

life is really forced upon you. i did not ask for this. i did NOT ask for this. i feel like i cant control anything.

i feel like im lying all the time. lying to everyone around me and to myself.

[survivorforestofhorrors]

Episode 3: I really am booboo the fool - Dan

First off, I want to start off by saying, Nik you will missed. 😭❤️ So, we get our immunity challenge and of course, it’s fucking puzzles. I am AWFUL at puzzles, and I’m just afraid I’m going to let my tribe down. 😔 That’s the last thing I want to do. I don’t want to be the reason we lose, and I don’t want an easy target on my back in the event that we do have to go to tribal.

Ya know what I just love? One of my closest allies going home over T*m and now we have to do a fucking puzzle comp against his ass. I hope and pray his tribe like throws so they can vote him out. Also I love that I have a fucking machete and then FORGOT to go straight and use my machete to hack through the jungle to probably get some sort of reward. I really am booboo the fool

Well i did my puzzle. I hope we win immunity because this round there hasnt been much talk. So im nervous that I might be left out and can be an easy target. Im nervous amd kinda scared if we lose. I hope im not a target.

I hate it here.

Welp, we lost. But not by a lot. My score wasn’t terrible I guess. In this game, I trust Dan and Grace the most with Zach up there too. The fact that Zach is exiled is good I suppose because Dan hinted at possibly wanting to vote him since they never talk. I didn’t like that idea, so I’m glad he’s safe at Exile. I would definitely prefer Chips to be the vote since him and I haven’t spoken, but I’ll go with just about anyone at this point.

Ok i didn't send this cuz i didnt know if i would be there. Nik should have kept his mouth shut and ryan or gavin would have left which would have looked a lot better for me. Those 2 are gonna gun for me and ill gun for them right back. I'm trying to get on a good side with austin or brandan. Glad we won so i can relax thank god zach is dumb and left lol

y'all, I might be in a pickle! I feel like i've connected with pretty much everyone on my tribe???? This might be a first for me because I usually let socializing take a back seat to my strategic/physical game, but mama might be onto something here. My worry is that I will spread myself out too thin. the good news is, that people are openly talking game with me and saying names. 

Daulton has thrown out Chips, which is a decent option, but not one I really want to pursue at this precise moment. While I trust daulton and want to work with him, I think I need chips here. Chips and I don't always see eye to eye, but we're from the same stomping grounds. there's respect there. Obviously if he's the vote, I'll vote his ass out, but I think I need other options. Keaton seems like someone I want to work with, and also livingston.  They both have expressed interest in working with me, which I love bc I do enjoy talking to them about life and stuff. I am hoping to form a little thing with them. ALSO jessie wants to work with me kljfalksjfa I literally CANNOT yall. I feel like I'm making so many deals but what am I supposed to say to people? NO??? haha Grace seems interested in working with me but she also leaves me on read constantly so i'm not sure about that. I gave josh a heads up he was getting votes last time so I think i'm in good with him as well? not entirely sure. I certainly said his name a lot last round, but I didn't write his name down?? idk if he knows of my involvement haha. 

for the most part though, I feel pretty good about this tribal so far, but I'm sure in approximately 20 hours I will be spiraling out of control flkjasldkf

I don’t want to toot my own horn or anything, but Livingston and I created a 4 person alliance with us two, Grace, and Keaton this round. We all decided that since Livingston’s name was being thrown out there that were should counter it with Chips since his name is also out there. Josh’s name is a choice too apparently and Dan heard his name but not Livingston’s, so maybe Livingston isn’t a target, but just to be sure, we’re voting Chips.  And I got Josh on board as well as Dan I think, so the numbers are there regardless of what Jessie, Maynor, and Chips do. I’ve been subtly pushing for Chips all day by just telling people that I haven’t talked to him as much but not really saying I wanted him gone, and it seems to have worked out somehow that the person I really wanted out is now leaving (or should be). Zach being on Exile sucks because I feel like he’d vote with our 4, but after he returns, we should be able to have him become a 5th for us. We’ll see how this tribal goes though. 🤞🏻

ooooof. The person I would have liked to vote out this round is on exile, so I love that for me! It's not that I don't like Zach, I just know he's good and a big threat and likable. So if we could have figured something out to get him out that would have been awesome. I think when he comes back i'm gonna message him incessantly to build an ounce of a relationship with him lmao. 

But anyway, onto the vote, three names got floated to my knowledge. Those names being livingston (hard no from me), josh v (meh), and chips (pls god yes).  So I was rolling with the josh v vote because it was safe, until miss chips made me mad. I told chips I had heard Josh's name. I did this because chips said he wanted to work with me, which is cool. But when I told him that he said to me "I think I wanna message josh and see what he's being told about the vote" i'm not sure how that convo goes without chips telling him that his name is going around and that it's potentially coming from me. So obviously I went to my main squad alliance of keaton and livingston and filled them in on the tea. In the meantime, I messaged daulton and asked him if he had any updates because he had floated chips' name by me last night and I was hoping to fuel that fire again.  He told me the three names I said above and that he was leaning toward chips. I said cool, sounds good. I don't want to vote josh or livingston, pitched an alliance between myself, josh, and daulton, and now feel pretty secure with most of the people in the tribe, as long as people don't talk and spill too much about their allegiances flkajsdfklajs. 

I'm really not trying to play a messy game, I am just trying to be more socailly forward than any other games I've been in, and I really feel like it might be paying off.

-

I don’t fucking like this “please be around after tribal and don’t tell anyone you got this message” thing.... I’m just thinking I’m about to get fucked by a twist

[abstracttheworld]

hahah im stuck in a neverending loop of “not enough time” because adhd and time management sucks and i have to take time to destress or i wont be able to function with any sort of energy or patience

unless i hit stage i once hit before of “gotta get done no choice” where literally all i did was work and sleep and be depressed and angry and sad all the time and basically just block out the world desperately- and i dont want to go back to that. and i know someday ill have to hit a point in my life where i have to work constantlyand be tired to be able to survive but right now i DONT have to and I kind of want to take advantage of that time by using it to get other shit done besides just WORK and not really MOVE FORWARD

like actually getting past my driver anxiety and practicing until it isnt a big event

like getting my fucking its-year-3-of-a-1-year-certificate program.

like having time and energy to be able to help mom with house stuff without constantly running the countdown until next WORK aka prison until i get home and can let loose again

like SEE MY IRL friends whom ive been neglecting when they are fucking AMAZING to me

i just :( i dont want to make the people at work feel bad- theyve been so good to me! and i hate to leave but currently im not at a place where i can do everything at once and not lose my mind

and im afraid to admit it to them because what if they think im lazy? what if i come off like my fuicking ex “cant be a secretary its too boring” wife? what if my parents suddenly have shit happen and I cant help cause i dont have a job anymore because i went back to school? what if i make all these plans and i fuck up?? what if i give up what i have now and cant get it back?? what if theyre mad or disappointed i didnt stay to help them? what if they try their best to encourage me that i can get work and school and other life crap done all at once and I cant? what if i have to admit that i cant? At least not right now..im not strong enough. I might be one day but right now everything seems daunting and honestly i only got into this shit this quick because i made a dumb fucking desicion at 18 that i thought i knew someone well that i never actually met and that spiraled into changing my life plan that my parents agreed on to be live at home and just focus on school and only school for like the foreseeable future and THEN worry about work, into need a job NOW need to prepare to make a HOME LIFE OF MY OWN very SOON.

If I had never said yes, I wonder where i would be? I knew even tho i hated every second of my big misadventure, I grew. And I want to keep growing but im afraid. What if I’ve already hit my peak? What if it never gets better? What am i going to do, only a few short years from now when I DO HAVE to get work as much as i can and make a household? will i be stronger? will i just collapse into myself and go back to pretending everything is okay every day when i want to scream?

things would be so much easier if i wasnt tired and stressed all the time like- im just so tired. and rikght now for real cause i did a 9 1/2 hour shift on an hour of sleep while having a cold but like...goddamn. :(

[whimsically-ominously-auspice]

I heard about the 64% of all lives matter wanting the blue lives matter to do the bottom breath exercise

Compared to the, especially much lower 41% of black lives matter positive response out of only 1/3 of the voters saying yes they would exercise. Thier 41% was for anyone else to, not just blue matters

These numbers are broken down from bigger numbers

I really like this. This anger and revenge and hate from all lives matter people

Remember the conversation was, "please stop killing us, our black lives matter"

"Shut up nigg** we will kill you all, blue lives matter"

Then all us went all lives matter. Some in shock and so on and what have you. Some to settle, some to continue the fight.

So I'm glad to see so many continue the fight.

And that is what I am saying.

I obviously am All Lives Matter. I prove that. But I took my time and watched the conversation and listened to myself and felt the arrogance. And i took sides.

And i said Black Lives Matter. Because of what was said.

But I defend blue lives, criminal lives, illegal alien lives, all lives. Because all lives matter

I'm just black panther to the core.

And that's how they are:

a life is a life

A life paid is a life cost.

They taught me that.

My richest most developed understanding of the world was taught to me by negros

My most in depth acceptance of kindness and love and myself was taught by the Harringtons.

The world gave me the black Panthers

My mom directed me to the Harringtons.

They are what gave the black Panthers depth.

Not words. Not soldiers on the streets.

Humans.

Like I said the other day, same as for with criminals and so the Harringtons allowed me to embrace what I hated myself most for. To give others a chance. Like,Jesse James. Others.

Unfortunately they've pushed me so far I can no longer

Love like what I got from the Harringtons has been pushed so far away

By criminals like Jesse James and i will say Jesse in particular m he also for by Malcolm.

So these movements and protests they help people get together and like Seattle's Mayor says, with love.

Its not about anti-others.

Black Lives Matter or all lives matter.

It's about being around love. Acceptance. Protection. No matter who you are or where you been or where you'll go.

It's like being with the Harringtons.

It creates calmer and happier people.

Sure the white supremacy are out with a vengeance and not y'alls business, but we relabeled our SMS to help our planet with that problem

Fun oddity... I saw a video of this guy randomly picked to check the system. Bec it's fairly new and it's not SMS: brightgady but another because of the limited people and rarity of people allowed to kill with permission.

Its called The Brightside of Hell. Because that's where it sends people. LoL.

And so.

This guy all skinny and in all black in an umbrella was breaking windows and he's been driving me nuts since day one i saw that guy. I wanted to kill him,but at the same time i knew i should not.

So, today they tell me he was checking the routing system of people dressed similar and people with big afro hair was the reason for the umbrella.

And they went into a group in a building. Left their bank and credit cards. Phones. All everything traceable. Some others had the same exact umbrella. All skin tones. Big afros also. Because that was a concern for me... An afro being thought of as something else. Just because i seriously seriously love afros

Only African Americans can wear an afro. True story.

So I really treasure it.

So they all left in a mass. Like in a line and then walked around. Some traded the umbrella off and so on. Changed clothes. They did anything possible to confuse the system. Changed gender type clothing and put on wigs. And did stuff they never ever did before.

So then the guy breaking windows was actually on my own shop front.

And turns out the system is perfect. Its God driven and I hear "hey! And tree!!" From tree himself.

So we have an amazing platform. And i wanted and I would assume the world would want it tested to an Extreme.

The guy that broke the Windows is a little nerd, to himself guy and would never ever do anything like,that and he said He thought he would go home and,cry but he,said instead he felt such a rush and enjoyed it

SMS put out a serious alarm on him and when the kill team went to "interrogate" him of his crimes the actual system screamed at them all rrrrrrl rrrrrl so they knew not to harm him. It has an override to override all sounds blocks so if its turned on vibrate it will do it still.

It said "warning warning. There is something wrong! This is not a normal criminal: proceed with caution, check computer before leaving!"

Obviously he was having a mental break and the internet history would say so. What has he been reading or watching? What kind of help does he need?

And/ OR someone is threatening their life to commit such crimes and the SMS hasnt seen or been notified of anyone.

And they actually had that alert after i attacked Denise and busted her head open.

And it auto downloaded my internet history and the phone numbers contacting me frequently and people from chat apps.

So i was chatting with someone new and so it could been presumed it was due to them telling me to or their influence.

He had been annoying me all fucking day and raging me. -.-

But she tried to throw me out the car in 100° heat. She deserved that shit.

But it also showed i blow up and can't tolerate her and will lose my shit every 4 to 6 months on her.

But it was more violent than usual. But its because of my younger brother. She's all scared of him and treats him wirh respect and shit and he told me how he pulled her hair when she was driving and so that is where it came from. More so than anything. That is exactly what was in my mind. I was all he did it. So can I.

Watch me now. Bitch.

So,fucking tired of her lies!! Fucking throw me out the car. Fuck you.

You think I'm not crippled? Well I'll show you what I can do Because walking ain't one.

Had i been in a happy loving relationship or even in my own house all clean with water and electric then I probably wouldn't done that because I would just been all. Well first take me back to my house. But i would been all I'm bout to get out the car and away from her so i can just ignore her till then.

But it ain't that way, I'm unhappy and im angry and she just wanted to fucking look at me like her stupid eyes were gonna mind control me.

Yeah sure if what you want is a beating.

Tired of people trying to control me.

So movements and protests

Yall stupid white supremacy you think you know shit, all you know is you.

When the rest of us get together in life, in the world, its church. Love and peace and shit.

You stupid ass white niggers don't know love. You know fear. Fear once they finish paying their debt to be shipped that no one will work for you.

Fear of African Americans doing what they want and living their dreams

Well there ain't plantations no more.

So you fucking white supremacy have a problem. And it's me. So you better stay in your fucking houses. You get out ane mix in with any other protests and cause shit and harm ill find you

You have another big ass KKK rally ... Your hoods will be removed.

I ain't gonna say all I'd fucking do to you ignorant white ass fools in need of a REAL NIGGER because i don't want you all doing shit to my people. The ones you don't think belong here.

When Venus joined our human race, we all changed skin color. To Negro. Black. Before we were pink, green. Halo (a shade of white) and blue. Few were purple. Those were mean ones. Like the ones I'm sending out with the Brightside.

So for us all to hide the Venetians because they were as Snoop Dogg shows and as the Egyptian pyramids show, they had dog heads. So we changed to human heads and we all hid in Negro skin.

It was a trick that worked

We told space invaders that had,came to attack us before that we had came and killed everyone and we were a totally different race.

Shit worked man.

So these white supremacy. They're afraid of that black skin.

They really are. And they hate it because they want to take over.

And then compound how the entire North America was fucking empty except for some invading settlers from outer space, they really feel that the Nigger have taken over

Cause they aint been to New Mexico. Because they dumb white trash and they ain't seen how black people aren't all over and didn't take over.

But guess whose fault is that? Plantation owners with the bright idea to get people from all over the world to visit or move to the "new world" and not worry about sea fare, just work for your food and you can explore.

So definitely not the Nigger's fault.

Most African American just came to visit

And some were rich but wanted to work for food doe the week or two to see the feeling

And a lot more paid half or more to do part work and part true vacation.

They never returned

So then they got more people to come search.

And it went on.

Like I said we went to Africa to stop it. Returned Africans and so on.

Shit by the time Harriet Tubman came along there was full blown families here. Ma and pa come to vacation. Brother comes to look for them. Then son then sister then their ma and pa and ya got 5 generations.

And we taught the word Nigger in Africa to be respect.

But we warned "if you hear a white man say nigger he may have your family"

Then they ask the Negro "do you know any niggers? Where they are?"

There was HUGE legendary lessons on how to use the word.

In Africa it meant teacher that was all.

On the long ship rides to America the truth was told about how the word was used. So they used it proper.

No ome trusted outsiders. So if a black boy with a thick accent said "nigger to a black slave asking for help in,secret to find his family, then he would know the boy was a slave and would protect him and hide him for wandering the streets as he was.

We're smart. Every thing was intuition. Few code words.

We knew a Negro slave. How far and much they would protect. How they would risk their own lives.

It would get the search party on the plantation. They could search then leave in secret, have food and rest.

Then off to the next plantation.

The word nigger is sacred. To people like Snoop Dogg and others that say nigga.

They continue to keep the word in use to show love as it was initially used.

As I said before it stemmed from,the word Negro the Spanish word for black.

You need to know the whole black skin culture... They called each other blackie and so on

Like i said we all were Negro once to protect the Earth from invaders. So,we were all happy to be black.

We were invaded and we worked a system to accept other planets 32 other races.

We got lax. We thought we were safe

The walls of Jericho? That is in the Bible. It was am alien sect we were observing to see if we could accept their style and way of life. We could not. We killed them and destroyed their village.

Some like Zulululu had observed us and lied during their observation period. To be perfect like us.

They aren't

Just like people in the white supremacy movement.

Like those in the walls of Jericho they will be killed.

They don't belong under the heading of all lives matter.

They don't fit our world and they are out numbered.

So I will say nigger but as you see I block it out when it's used harmfully against others

Except when I say white bigger because there ain't anything a white supremacist hates more. And there ain't much I hate more than a white supremacist.

[poetiqueconnard]

bull shit emotions, feel free to skip.

im so. fucking tired. ignore all the spelling mistakes ahead, im not going to fix it.

i met someone who reminded me of myself when i was in love with you.more so when you let me love you.

i realize wwhat i did wrong. and im sorry. 

but you never accept my apologies.

or my excuses.

or my emotions.

i am a empty shell.

i dont know who the fuck i was, who i became, and who i want to be besides dead. 

yeah, i currently have a boyfriend but i know ill fail him and he will leave me in the end because of how much baggage i carry.

i carry so much.

and then this kid i met.

i realize thanks to him how i treated and stressed you and god.

emily.

emily im so sorry.

but now that i know, you wont ever come back regardless of how uch understanding i recieve.

and i dont even know if in the end you will come back.

i lost hope.

i lost hope on being happy, you coming back, on even living past this.

i’m tired.

i relapsed last night.

i tried getting shit faced high.

i smoked so much weed.

i dont know why i turned down the alochol i was offered.

i just dont want this.

i want to be ok.

but thats far from my own grasp.

i can feel myself slipping and i dont want to go, but i also dont want to live like this and im suffering.

no one understands.

no one is here for me personally.

i only have myself throughout all of this and i dont know what else to do besides harm my body and put awful substances into it

i wish you arms were around me. but i know they never will be again.

and it hurts.

all of this stress wouldnt of been so bad if you were supporting me.

but you arent,

and im here alone.

per usual.

i just want this to stop.

i want to stop crying.

i also want to stop breathing.

are you even looking

or are you looking at someone else and telling them what you told me because i was never good enough?

im so tired.

im so so tired.

i dont know what more i can take before i stop.

stop living. trying, breathing.

im missing school all this week on greiving leave.

i go to a visitation on Wednesday and i dont know how i can handle it,

saying goodbye to someone is so hard regardless of title and relationship.

i love my family.

and i keep losing them because my awful abusive mother refuses to let me see them untill they die.

im missing out on amazing people.

and its her fault and i hate this ...

along with me getting sexually harassed the other day at school, hell, the last time i went.

i dont know what that man could of done if a friend didnt walk in.

i dont know. but i was terrified.

michael, if you’re reading this, i know you are.

leave.

me.

alone.

stop stalking me . stop hurting me.

let me grieve. do not rub my faults in my face and cuss me out because i am depressed and stressed.

stop hurting me.

please.

let me vent to simon.

let me vent on here.

do not put all of this into a screenshot folder to use against me,

leave. me. alone.

/////////

i am legit terrified of the internet because of you and your friends.

all of them harass me due to my split episodes. and all of you are too close minded to understand my mental illness.

i didnt ask that night to happen, it just did.

and i apologized.

but you all rubbed my faults and disabilites into my face like a damn game and i wasnt laughing.

how many of my panic attacks were caused by you? 

so many. so fucking many. but i didnt tell you because i was afraid to hurt you.

im sorry we had skype sex.

im sorry i used you.

but shit happens and i wish it never happened. i wish i didnt.

i wish we never met.

but shit happens.

and i need to leave to get my own shit sorted out before i get close to anyone.

this isnt fair to simon, either.

but when i say i need space to rethink about what you want from me,

do not speak to me.

do not look at my accounts.

do not go deep looking to see if i liked or even commented on someones post.

dont send me memes at random times throughout the day.

dont go looking for shit i dont want you to see.

do not ask simon about me.

i prefer you not even speaking to him.

this is the hardest part of my life. i have less than 8 months to figure out a life i dont even fucking want?

i get yelled at to get a job im too ill to get.

i dont even have a license, which i get yelled at for too and get called slurrs for being “dumb”

i am heart broken and suffering with ptsd ovr emily and cry about her about 3 times a week.

i wont even be able to eat lunch because of how poor we are.

i worry over friends who probably dont give a shit over me.

i have 2 college classes.

i spend my time worrying over you and losing sleep over alice wanting to kill herself.

and my schizophrenia has gotten so bad and its hard without medication

and now my grandfather is dead.

he is gone.

and i never spent time with him and do you EVEN UNDERSTAND HOW MUCH REGRET I FUCKING FEEL? 

HOW HEARTBROKEN AND ANGRY I AM.

angry at my damn mother for hiding me from a family she hated because MY AUNT STOLE A TOP AND RIPPED IT. 27 YEARS AGO.

AND IM NOT ALLOWED TO SEE HER OR ANYONE I AM RELATED TO.

AND THE SAME DAY HE PASSED AWAY YOU HAD THE MIND TO TELL ME IM TOXIC AND SHIT AND A BITCH AND ALL OF THIS.

really?

if you loved me you wouldnt fucking do this.

but you did.

and im tired of you doing this to me.

im tired of you pressuring me into skype sex even when you knew i am in a relationship.

you rubbing my faults into my face.

im so tired of it.

it hurts.

this isnt love. you do not know love.

so dont fucking tell me you love me.

and leave me alone.

dont look for this. dont look for this blog.

do not contact simon.

dont even think about texting emily again. if i hear you do i will seriously kick your ass into the ground. leave her out of my issues. she has her own. i know damn well she doesnt wanna hear from me.

and finally.

GIVE,

ME.

SPACE.

dont make me repeat myself or you WILL NOT get a second chance.

goodnight tumblr