#nobody else is. and *i* wont speak on it because its real life but. anyway.

[mediapen]

for anon: carlos, with his life split into two halves. how life feels cut when a major event occurs — before and after — maybe before and after silverstone ‘22?

[x] // richard siken, ‘straw house, straw dog’ // richard siken, ‘unfinished duet’ // [x] // jenefer shute, life-size // [x] // liz bowen, sugarblood // ethel cain, ‘strangers’ // warsan shire, ‘to swim with god' // the smiths, ‘paint a vulgar picture’ // richard siken, ‘saying your names’ // [x] // [x] // [x] // rainer maria rilke in a letter to lou andreas-salomé // phoebe bridgers, ‘garden song’ // [x] // [x] // r/Games // bhanu kapil, the vertical interrogation of strangers // [x] // [x] // [x] // [x] // cota, 2022 // [x] // clementine von radics, 'the fear.’

[arcaneyouth]

Hmmm.... top 10 OCs and why you like them! Also allowed is just giving their entire backstory with each answer.

OH FUCKIN BOY this ones almost definitely going under a read more thanks

1) JOE!!!!

ironically i cant explain this one in detail sorry thats still spoilers. we are getting there in my comic i fucking promise just give me. another year. or two. fuck. anyways he's just!!!! he's my silly!!! he helped me figure out a lot about myself and what i wanted from the world and i kind of accidentally processed some of my biggest traumas through him and because of that every day he is a reminder that life continues, the time will pass anyways, tomorrow will always come, and fear of something ending does not have to control you

2) amedeo my fucked up piece of shit amedeo. ive already written paragraphs upon paragraphs about him in several different places so i will refrain from doing it again and focus on Why he means so much to me. he's kind of! like a counterweight to what joe helps me with? like joe reminds me i have the freedom to do whatever i want with my life, and amedeo reminds me i still gotta fucking be nice to people or that will have consequences i dont want. if i were to live my life purely by what joe helped me figure out i wanted, i would become amedeo and thats like not. good ADGAHFS and i have fallen down that path before. and there was still hope for him. so theres still hope for me. hes also really pretty

3) oh fuck now i have to choose between my beloveds. UHHHHHH dara we're going dara. honestly she only gets this high up the list because shes joes girlfriend, but she is still really interesting and special to me. dara did genuinely awful things.... 70 years ago. things she has spent the rest of her life trying to make up for. she is a good person who is trying so hard. she also cant even see how hard shes trying and sabotages herself often. she is the narrator of the story and its not a role she can bear. because she knows its not her story to tell. so she hands it to theron and lets them paint her as a monster, lets everyone believe she deserves whats coming to her, that shes the scum of the earth. and she knows her side of the story will change things. and she does not give it. she thinks the best way to make up for everything shes done is to finally let theron speak. its their story. and she is their villain. she knows its true. even as shes still trying, still trying to help people, still trying to survive one day at a time, still trying to improve (even if shes not good at it). she is still therons villain. she wont take that from them

4) reverie somethings fucking wrong with them. and you cant even blame them for it. at least when i go on unreality spirals i can get someone to confirm things are real and thatll help pull me out of it. reverie cant trust a word anyone tells them because Nobody Else Is Real. They Are All Made Of Code. of course an npc would tell reverie the world is real. of course the ai living in the game would tell reverie the world is real. what else can they do. the only other player, the only other real person in this game, left them. and now its just reverie. they cant find meaning in a life theyve replayed hundreds and hundreds of times. they get trapped in their own head because thats the only thing thats real. and their head isnt filled with any comfort. they are much too far gone to be helped by the people who care about them. and so the people who care about them choose to make them worse.

reverie is interesting to me because they are an awful person who just needed to let someone hold their hand and help them through their hardest days, but i know if i was in their position, i wouldnt have accepted it either. shattering what little hope they had left was genuinely the only way to get them to snap out of it and want help. if theyd just had a hug, that they could consider real, maybe theyd have been ok. but they couldn't.

5) eden, girl got dragged down hard by reveries spiraling. got treated like less than a person by them so much she believed she wasnt a person either. and none of it really mattered, in the end. everything she went through was about reverie. never her. for the entire story up until that point, it had never been about her, and at her lowest point at least she thought she had some kind of meaning and purpose as she shoved her sword through reveries chest and killed them in a way they couldn't just respawn from. and none of that was about her either. just reverie. any emotions eden felt did not matter for the plot elysium wrote. edens tragedy just fucks me up because she goes through so much for nothing and she still has to just wake up the next day and keep going. and she will. she just has to find something that matters, to her

6) theron this kids fucked up theyre like 10 and experiencing horrors beyond their comprehension

7) elysium,,,,, shes really pretty and also shes trying so damn hard to save reverie but the only way she can do it is to ruin their AND eden's lives. she's a good person. she writes the story and there was nothing she could do!! she just wants everyone to love the world she helped create for them and they Cant and that breaks her heart. she looks like shed give warm hugs and hand me a juice box

8) rowena. somethings wrong with her <3 she is kind, she is awful, she kills for her own fucked up sense of justice, she is the kindest person theron has ever met, she justifies innocent bystanders getting caught in her wrath because if they didnt want to die maybe they shouldnt have been on the wrong side, she is giving a 10 year old reason to hope and love again. she genuinely cannot be considered a good or bad person because every move she makes helps AND harms others at the same time. shes fun!

9) raid, they are another player of the game just like reverie (tho they dont know each other) and they are so comfortable with their life and they make me so happy. they wake up on a day theyve seen hundreds of times, and ask themself what they can do to make it special. life is what you make of it, and raid has made it into a love letter to everything thats ever existed. they have no control over when the resets and reloads happen since reverie is always doing it before they can even consider it, and they are ok with that. they really have a grip on what a joy it is to simply be alive

10) I CANT CHOOSE. FUCK YOU

[whisperingrockers]

would u. i dunno. perhaps articulate some thots on toh infinity train au 😳 if u can

HM. i will do my best. but...i dont really know how to organize my thoughts.  i guess i should probably just start with the characters and go from there, huh. also in this particular au these characters don’t actually take the place of tulip, lake, jesse, grace, etc- i think they’re all just there under different circumstances. 

Luz

okay so we’ll start with Luz because. she’s the main character, y’know. very important. i think the catalyst that brings her to the train is her mother signing her up for Reality Check summer camp because as a creative it’s just! disheartening to have someone you love tell you that you’re not going to make it in this world if you don’t conform to what everyone else wants. so of course when a huge mysterious locomotive suddenly pulls up to the bus stop you KNOW luz gets on, no hesitation. after all, isn’t that something right out of a sci-fi adventure novel? 

unlike tulip, luz is THRILLED to find herself on some unknowable train where each car is a new adventure just waiting to happen, where there are always new friends to make, new places to see, and tons of puzzles to solve? she’s made to feel like the protagonist right out one of her fave animes. 

also, really important to note that her number is probably tied to how she relates to the other passengers on the train. i feel like there’s an overarching theme in the show about how luz is going through a lot of firsts when it comes to interpersonal relationships, especially friendships, so i wanted to keep that going in this au- i imagine her number goes up when she finds her friends tapes and convinces them to watch with her because this is obviously the easiest and most straightforward way to get to know them! (luz poppin that bad boy into a vcr player: this mama is ready for trauma!) 

realized how wordy this is going to be LOL

Eda

hough so this is a human au also (i assume? infinity train world really do be existing in some limbo state of reality where your reflection can just up and ditch you). i see her as a jack of all trades, master of none type, with a lean towards perfumes and handmade soaps that she sells at fairs or farmers markets and also pickpocketing. i think she sees something that reminds her of the life she used to have/would have had before lilith [redacted because i do not know what she DID yet but on GOD we will have canon continuity] and that drives her to get on the next train headed anywhere.

her number is tied to how much she allows herself to open up; the more she uses her salesman cover to keep others at arms length, the higher her number goes, which is why it’s so important for her to team up with King and Luz; they help her open up and be more honest with herself.  

King

king is actually a denizen of the train in this au; i love him too much to turn him into a real ass dog, so i wont. eda meets him in a car full of plush toys, which he refers to lovingly as his army of the damned. i almost want to hold off on writing up any more for him because i know there’s more to king’s character than meets the eye. still torn between eda trying to bring him off the train with her or having him realize that the whole TRAIN is HIS KINGDOM, and all its passengers loyal peons who need their mighty rulers HELP, for without him they would PERISH.

for now though eda sees him and is immediately like get over here (reaching emoji) 

Willow 

willow is a tough one for me because in all honesty having your longtime friend tell you out of the blue that they can’t be friends with you anymore would be enough to send me packing to the train, but with willow i think it’s less about amity and more about how the fallout between them affects her social and academic success. the frustration reaches a tipping point that has her running out of the classroom and finding the train. 

and yes, willow is a very sensible, bright girl, but she was also SO ready to trick the principle and steal from the emperor for her friend so i don’t think getting on a mystery train is wholly out of the question for her, y’know? 

There’s a lot about repression in the way willow deals with things generally, so her number is tied to passivity. the more she allows others to infringe on her personal boundaries to keep them placated, the higher her number goes. when she stands up for herself to others (sometimes even her friends!) the number goes up. willow x agency and clear limitations is my otp

Gus

gus was actually a SUPER easy one for me we know so much about him from the episodes he’s been in; he’s an overachiever, he’s passionate about what he loves, he’s a natural showman, and he is constantly pushing himself to be the best that he can be, all the time. the hustle doesn’t STOP for gus, and i...i...(tears up) 

anyways, i think the thing that draws him to the train is getting suddenly ousted from the club he formed at school. he’s young, and having everyone you had assumed were your friends turn their back on you and throw you out of the space that you CREATED FOR THEM would be shocking to anyone, but it broke gus’ heart clean in two. after he’d picked his bag and himself up off the hallway floor, he’d left the building in a daze, not even realizing as he boarded the train door that had suddenly opened up in front of him until it was too late. 

i’m actually going to go so far as to say that gus would likely be the one MOST interested in the truth of the train- he’d be asking the tough questions, like what is the purpose of the train? who made it and its technology? where does it exist that it can be both at his school and also speeding across a barren desert landscape at the same time? How does it create sentient lifeforms? the train helps him discover a new passion; journalism. he finds a journal that speaks to him as a friend and advisor in one of the trains, and he takes careful note of everything that happens to and around him. by the time he meets up with willow, he’s got so many ideas and theories that the other girl would have never thought to consider until that very moment. 

idk what his number relates to because he’s perfect the way he is but if i had to take a shot in the dark it probably has something to do with finding somewhere he feels he can belong, as well as being able to mourn and let go of the people he’d considered his friends before he’d gotten on the train. 

sorry this is so long i just have a lot of . gus feelings. 

Amity ( + Edric + Emira )

lumping these whites together 

okay so nobody wants to hear me talk about blight angst there are 800 posts about blight angst, so long story short the three siblings run away, get into an argument with each other, amity ditches them for the train while they’re asleep, and the twins panic and chase after her, determined to find her because in the end they’re all they’ve got. 

‘next stop: amity blight’ 

i think it’d be a cool journey to see the three of them going from ‘we need to be together out of necessity’ to ‘we need to be together because we love each other, and that genuine support structure will pull us through when everything else fails.’ but in order for that to happen they all have to have their own journey, so at some point edric and emira finally get into a spat and that’s enough to get edric and emira stuck on opposite ends of a retracting bridge. send that mans to the BACK of the train. 

emira: my greatest fear is being stuck with edric forever emira: (gets separated from edric)  emira: haha wait please say psyche

amity’s number is definitely tied to her fear of failure, of not being enough for the people she holds closest to her- in this case her siblings, and then lilith, and then luz when they finally meet. when she acts without concern for what the people around her think and when she sticks up for what she knows is right, even when the majority is against her, her number goes down. 

for ed and em im...i don’t want to think about their feelings because they’re supposed to be clowns but i am forced to consider that they may be jealous of their sisters independence. also separating them means they both have to take responsibility for all their own actions and choices, which is probably pretty new for the twins. 

Lilith 

im out of energy actually znzzzsnsz uh. estranged sister who sees something that reminds her of the relationship she used to have and she’s not actually as over it as she thought so the train....she..hghrg

[ccsthemovie2]

(I think it's a word over 500, but:)

"Speaking of Tsukishiro, how's he doing?", Eriol asks. Frying pan to fire to volcano.

"He's good," Touya says quickly, before Sakura can say anything. Yukito is not even in the ballpark of "good". Yesterday he called Touya and begged him to bike over and said it was important and when Touya showed up he was asleep, and stayed fast asleep right through to the next morning. He keeps trying to make appointments with doctors, and then falling asleep before he can call, or, when Touya calls for him, before he can make it out the door. Privately, Touya isn't sure how much good a doctor can do for him, but anything has to be better than this, right?

"Really? I'm glad to hear it." Ugh, how much has Sakura told him. Not that she doesn't have a right to talk to her friends, but, come on, would it kill her to least keep it between her and Tomoyo and the funny looking cat.

He's good, that's an obvious lie. Ruby has said Yukito could barely stand upright at school. Every inch of Touya Kinomoto is packed full of magic. Sooner or later, Eriol figures, either Sakura will be powerful enough to sustain him, or Yue will have to get over himself and just eat already. Touya can't actually do anything with his magic, so it's not like Yue, even weak as he is, will have to face much of a struggle to take it. (Aside from competition with Ruby, of course. There's something to that, right, articles and studies about animals being healthier if they need a bit of careful planning to get their food? Yes, so this works out nicely.)

Or maybe- oh, that's probably it. Yue's on to him, isn't he? He's just being stubborn as usual, figuring sooner or later Clow will appear via Eriol and save him. He can imagine how surprised, overjoyed, grateful Yue would be, if Eriol showed up and saved his life. He can imagine Yue's head resting on his neck as clearly as if he had kept Yue well-fed with magic a thousand times in his lifetime. It would be nice, in the short run, but it wouldn't be right, no. Clow is dead, and Yue needs to learn to live with that. If he knows what's good for him, he will take responsibility for his own life, and if he doesn't...

Ahh, well, maybe it's Clow's old sentimentality, maybe Eriol is just warming up to Sakura's moon guardian all on his own, but he can't bring himself around to the idea of letting Yue just die. He'd save him, if it came down to it. But, he tells himself sternly, only as an absolute last resort. He's just worrying because he misses Yue and wants to get to know him better all at once in that past-and-future way- it's worth a visit, soon. Yes, a nice little visit, and Yue will never even have to know it happened. Just to check in.

(sorry the formatting got weird when i copypasted lol!)

hiiii thanks for the ask!!!

if we talk about this convo we need to back up and talk about how it got here. this should give you some idea of how badly this needs to be under a cut for length lol.

so it all starts with the bit about how someone falling and being caught is something that happens a lot in ccs. how with eriol, it's purposeful, and with fujitaka (and i misremembered it but since found out she fell *on* him and not *caught* by him, which lolol i hope he broke a bone, but also its fine the fic's already marked canon divergent, or maybe the story gets misremembered, whatever, in any case), it's an echo of clowriol's intentional artificial-trustbuild-dangersaves but without the magic or purpose to back it up (just like fujitaka himself!), but it's a situation he quickly makes favorable to him, because it may be a blank slate but it's made of the same material.

this whole convo was part of one of the very first chunks written, but everything was going to go in a very different direction at first. (there's a lot of Cut Content from this fic, some that i just didn't like, some that wasn't connectable with the rest of the fic after it took the shape it took but might pop up somewhere else one day idk). in this particular bit i cut the later half of the conversation because i really didn't like what i'd written, but then even though the direction of the story changed the conversation was still going so it had to bounce somewhere else, so it bounced to yukito. here we are answering your ask 2 paragraphs in!

yukito, iirc in the anime, did catch her from a fall, (in the manga, which made way more sense for why she had to change her clothes and rest so much, he saved her from drowning, again iirc because who can trust a memory) and at a point where eriol still has some investment in making yuekito/sakura (ewwwww) happen, he's going to try and draw on that symbolism to nudge her in that direction, right?

so all this said, SPEAKING of yuekito. how are they doing.

bad, obviously. touya's freaking out. i imagine that part of what's stopping yukito from seeing a doctor is yue, though- he knows it wont help, and i dont think yukito has, like, person insides that will stand up to medical tests, and yue would pick up on yukito like, not wanting to be outed to the doctor as a magic construct because he, like, doesnt actually have a real heart that pulses, just a repeating heartbeat sound. doesn't for real have blood etc to test, just records of blood type (for personality reasons).

and also touya's a very like keep-ur-problems-not-everybodys-business type so hes like imagining sakura venting her fears to this weirdo and getting pissed off. but that didnt actually happen, eriol knew all on his own lolol. touya you have to say something nice should happen to sakura to make up for wrongly suspecting her now

and this bit on eriol's end is all wrong information and inaccurate conclusions and i was really worried ppl would take it at face value but i hope nobody did. in ccs we get moments where eriol wants sakura to take power, or to learn that power can be taken- his final battle with her, for example, where the answer to his light and dark puzzle is to use kero and yue's power, except that's not something she would ever Want to do or would even Occur to her to try. the power is gifted to her by kero and yue (and syaoran!) because they love her.

same concept, here- the answer to the 'yue is dying' puzzle is to eat touya's power, and he can't imagine the real reason why he won't just do that, and when he thinks about it too long it goes right to his ego- yue looovvvvesss clow, and by extension me. he wants meeeeeee to save him. he wants to neck kissy MY magic soo sooooo bad. but yue isn't considering any of that at all. he's thinking about yukito and what touya means to yukito and why that would make yukito hesitate to reach out, and that no way in hell will he just ambush his other self's crush down a dark alley and take his magic, even to save both their lives. he's a lot more selfless than clow and eriol ever realize. maybe- this is just a half formed thought right now, i dont know if im like certain about it, but- maybe they feel his devotion to clow was a form of selfishness, that he Wanted Love as a thing he could hold and own, whereas pretty much everybody else who meets him goes like YOU SELFLESS MAN YOU CANT JUST DIE FOR PPL YOU CARE ABOUT YOU GOTTA TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF TOOOO

and there’s also that bit of teacherliness intrinsic to the three of them again: im doing this to teach him a lesson. im letting ruby do her thing without telling her what’s going on to help and encourage yue, etc.

anyway, that (in terms of fic weaving itself into canon) solidifies his decision to do uhmmmm a thing that creeps me out real bad in the anime (knocking yue out to have a moment with him, and oh, ding, there's another 'you fell but i caught you' moment!). eriol loves this manner of hanging out with people, you see it later in this fic, even:

It's important to say what's in your heart to the people you want to say it to, even if you have to make sure the other person never hears it. It's important for your own emotional freedom.

he loves to spend time with people exclusively on his terms, to the point where the other party never even knew he was there, because he knocked them out, or because he was just staring creepily at the outside of sakura's house while she did homework, etc etc etc.

tldr: it's all connected, aaaaaaaaa

[axemetaphor]

im definitely not ripping off my friend by making a list of au ideas i have no siree //gonna slap this under a readmore cause i. well i say a lot. all of the time. i tried so hard to format this Good but tumblr fucked me up i am so sorry

so first-off i know i already have one WIP AU (Auckland) on ao3 so i wont talk about That one cause like. spoilers. i actualyl have it like 80% created so its likely gonna truly get finished for once and i dont wanna ruin shit

the other one ive posted about is something me and ben (catgirlrepublic) have worked on together its not at all close to done or anything but it's. a fun little crossover. Between jdate and my fuckinuhm. Original characters story “Untitled Villains Project”. the sketches of the comic version ive started is actually my pinned post 👉👈 its like the first chunk of the story, i think half of part 1? yea.

Tldr john fucking Somehow is able t oget into contact with a certain curious scientist from another reality who’d just love to study the Soy Sauce, most certainly not for her own nefarious purposes

John and Dave meet up with the scientist, her name is Boss, and her lab assistant, Toxic, and after a bit of a preliminary Vibe Check where john determines her trustworthy (which Dave doesnt agree with,) the two agree to be taken to the world UVP is set in. from there they stay in Boss’s lab (big old fucking abandoned military lab). John and Toxic are fast friends due to mutual love-of-chaos. John n Dave get to fuckin, camp out on an air mattress.

The day after they arrive, the two get split up, not exactly intentionally; big plot points of UVP are liek. Fueled by Boss sending Toxic to go fetch her “research materials,” which are usually important artifacts

Fuckin side note i guess i have to explain my dumb bullshit: Boss’s, uh, field of expertise so to speak is actually fckin, basically the scientific study of magic and superpowers n shit like that. This shit’s all real in that world. Toxic’s got fuckin superpowers, so do 4 other main characters, whatever. It’s got a bit to do with spirituality, iss Boss’s hypothesis. So she has Toxic fetch important artifacts that might have “energies” to them. The thing is actually way more fuckin complictated than that, this is just Boss’s initial hypothesis.

Motherfucking anyways. So Boss gives Toxic a job to do, and John get excited about how Cool that sounds, and ends up going with Toxic, leaving Boss and Dave alone. Neither is thrilled about this. But Dave and Boss get to have a bit of conversation (while Toxic and John are off bonding and having a good time) and come to a… mutual grudging understanding of some kind. They still dont like each other though lmao

Theres gonna be deeper shit going on but we havent sorted it out yet/tbh havent like Written For It in a while but i still like thinking about it a lot lol

Also pretty sure our endgame is john and dave steal toxic and bring them back with em lmao boss is kind of not nice and toxic would most certainly be better off in Undisclosed. Actually theyd fucking love it. Theyd become a local cryptid im sure. Undisclosed’s mothman is a teleporting spike baby.

I have. Another crossover AU that i might. Post something about for halloween? Maybe? If i have it finished?

Crosses over into, you guessed it, another one of my original-character projects. God, am i vain or something?

I promise this is just because i think blue and dave should get to team up to beat up some monsters

Quick briefing on my fuckinuh. Original character story, this one doesnt have a name (yet? Idk lol my work never actually goes anywhere sso who gives a shit). It centers around two grim reapers, Red (26, bi woman) and Blue (22, aroace agender asshole). In this reality or whatever, grim reapers function kind of like low-level office workers. They get told who’s going to die + when by some middle-management types, and upper management only involve themselves when punishment needs to be doled out. These Higher-Ups can be seen as analogous to Korrok; they’re decidedly not human, never were, and fucking terrifyingly powerful. Additionally, grim reapers are sort of .. designed to be “background noise” people. In reality theyre supernatural beings and, uh, look Real Fuckin Weird (the whole deal has a neon aesthetic im terrible at drawing uwu) but most humans just perceive them like extras in a movie. A body’s there but the camera’s not focused on it.

To the narrative: the shit starts when Red n Blue get relocated to Undisclosed. Relocation is something that just happens every now and then to reapers; they usually work in teams, but they get split up into different cities to avoid any strong bonds forming (a counter-union strategy from the Higher-Ups).

Red, Blue, John and Dave end up running into each other for the first time in a McDonalds where John n Dave are getting some 4am “hey, we just survived another horrific monster fight” celebration burgers. John and Dave are the only two people who can see how… strange Red and Blue are. Nobody else notices.

John unintentionally pisses Blue off, leading to Blue whacking him upside the head with a dildo bat. They all four get kicked out of McDonald’s. Dave and Red both are less than thrilled

Blue and John end up resolving their differences, somehow. Red and Dave briefly bond over their dumbass best friends being, well, dumbasses. They all part ways amicably.

somehow-or-other (idk yet) they end up running into each other a few more times, and eventually john invites them over to his place, and the four (plus Amy now!) get to know each other a little better

while there, Blue gets a text about some guy who's gonna die and John offers to drive them to where that's gonna go down. they take him up on the offer and get to have a bit of one-on-one conversation

after that ordeal though Blue has had Enough of people and bails, leaving John to head home alone

theres a sort of mirror-development going on with the five of em. Red, John, and Amy would all like everyone to get along, though theyre a bit tentative about it (John moreso than the other two, actually, jsut cause. well Red n Blue could still be Sauce Monsters). Dave and Blue on the other hand do Not like people enough for this shit, and Dave's not unconvinced theyre Sauce Monsters. he will not trust them until proven he should

the story's kinda nebulous but i got an idea for some Shit going down that involves both Sauce Monsters and also the Higher-Ups to have some fuckin absolute chaos go down.

Oops! All Trans

Everybody is transgender. Everyone

Ive actually workshopped this one both with ben (catgirlrepublic) and ghost (ghost-wannabe) lmao its a fun lil concept ive had from the get-go cause i mean. What’s an internet tran gonna do other than hit all their favourite media with the Everyone’s Trans beam

Dave transitioned post-high school and faked his death for it. People go missing in Undisclosed all the damned time, after all. He moved to the next city over, transitioned fully, then came back as a completely new man. Yes i know this doesnt exactly fit with the “everyone knows David from high school” thing alright, hush.

Anytime anyone brings up John’s old best friend (pre-transition Dave) John throws an entire fit like an overdramatic grieving widow. Full-on sobbing “why would you bring her up?! I miss her so much—” to the point that people just stop bringing up because Jesus Christ That Sure Is Uncomfortable KJHGFDS.

This is a scheme he and Dave came up with prior to Dave leaving, though Dave hadnt exactly anticipated John putting on this much of a performance about it— but it’s stopped Dave from ever having tto hear his deadname again, so hey.

Amy transitioned sometime in middle school/early high school. Her family was super supportive and loved her a ton and most people just know her as Amy. she was super shy her whole life really so. Yeah. people just dont think to bring it up lmao also i Feel Like big jim would absolutely wallop anyone who gave her trouble of any kind

John’s nonbinary (genderfluid specifically) and not exactly Interested in transitioning ? like hes fine with how he is. mostly.

he came out to Dave in high school but hes not out to anyone else exactly. Maybe his bandmates. Probably any other trans person in Undisclosed knows, too, cause theyre safe to tell lmao. Johns mostly a “he/him out of convenience” kinda nb who’s cool with any pronouns but does prefer they/them most. Dave and Amy use they/them when the trio are alone

Also this is a totally self-indulgent caveat that i think would be great, Dave’s actually agender but because he's transmasc and transitioned when he thought there were really only two options, and being Boy at least felt less weird than being Girl, he just kind of assumed he was a dude. It’s only through a lot of (like fucking years and years hes probably in his 30s/40s when he puts 2 and 2 together on this one) talks about gender with John that he realizes he actually feels like No Gender. Masc aesthetic with none gender.

I Just Think It’d Be Neat Is All Okay

Also Amy came out to Dave about being trans early on in them seeing each other and his response was to get very nervous before blurting out “me too” and then just being too embarrassed to talk about it for the rest of the day. Hes got a lot of hangups on talking about it actually it takes years for him to get comfortable in that

by contrast when Amy comes out to John about it his response is to yell “EYYY ME TOO” and give her a big ol hug lmao

I think itd be neatt if Amy ran a like. Transfem help/advice blog on tumblr. Kind of helped-with by John who can give her transfem nb insight for certain asks. I also just think that would be neat.

Cowboy AU - i put this one last cause its got drawings to it actually. Theyll be at the bottom

Basically just. Hey you ever watched a western. I think they look neat

This is another one me n ben have come up with lol

The soy sauce and all that shit still exist, im not sure where korrok fits in yet but ill figure it out

Theres no real like solid narrative yet ? but heres the barebones of everybody’s arcs.

John

Johns an absolute troublemaker, Of Course. Hes wanted in several towns for absolutely stupid shit. Hes a loner who shows up, causes chaos, gets drunk, does some drugs, runs away if people get too mad at him

He definitely had the same kind of deal with the soy sauce as in canon— he was at some kind of party, somebody offered it, he took it cause why the fuck wouldnt he, now he can see monsters and shit

Hes kind of a mooch also. Like. dont let him stay in your barn man he’ll never fucking leave and drink all your booze.

He runs into Dave when they happen to just, cross paths in the same town. the bullshit John stirs up ends up involving Dave in a way that makes it seem like it's his fault too, and they both get run out of town

after that he just tags along after Dave. hes decided this guy's Cool he wants to stick around. Dave is pissed at first, but not enough to shoot him or anything, and eventually, John grows on him

Dave

Dave also is a loner but unlike John hes simply so fucking awkward and bad with people. He doesnt feel like he belongs anywhere so he just travels

He’s the stereotypical Lone Ranger tbh. He wanders from town to town, solving their problems, though hed deny its out of any moral obligation (it kinda is, a little bit, tbh. He does like feeling useful). He shows up, fixes things, leaves. He's kind of a legend but most people think he's hiding something dark. other people jsut know him as that guy who farted real loud in the middle of the saloon and promptly skipped town out of sheer embarrassment. you know how it goes with Dave

He ends up involved with the Soy Sauce when a snake (not Actually a snake,) bites him. The snake’s more like the wig-monsters, really. Anyway, it injects him with the soy sauce, he fucking trips balls in the middle of the desert, he can see monsters now

He runs into John and shit goes tits-up, as said, but they become traveling buddies after that. he'd never say so, but he's glad for the company, actually. it's nice. hes not used to companionship but he feels a strange kind of easiness hanging out with John....

not sure how the Monster Dave concept will like fit in to this reality but like. trust me i want it in here. I'll Figure It Out.

Amy

Amy’s been living in a town John and Dave end up passing through and she is very curious about these two new Handsome Strangers who claim to fight monsters and just kinda. Persistently tags along til they let her join for real

Her family’s all dead, unfortunately, just like in canon, and she’s been living alone for a few years before meeting John n Dave. she had nothing left in that town to stay for, she'd been fantasizing about escaping on wild adventures for a long time and this felt a little like a dream come true. (Dave still gives her a spiel about how Difficult it is, but really, her fantasies were pretty grounded-in-reality already. i jsut think thats how she is, yknow?)

Shes the first person to react to the whole “we see monsters” shit with a kind of “oh, okay. neat” kind of response lmao

John and Dave fix whatever the fuck is up with her town (maybe that’s where the Korrok shit can fit, who knows) and Amy ends up being integral to that. After, she insists they take her with them because “they need her now” and Dave just cant really say no. John too is very much "the more the merrier!" and hes actually glad to have another person along he loves people lmao

At the start she has long hair but after she joins them she chops it short with a knife for convenience

also she still is an amputee. justt. idk. it was a wagon/stagecoach accident rather than a car accident lmao. just to clarify since i hadnt mentioned it, i wouldnt rob her of her ghost hand or yknow. all of the significance to her character that Missing A Hand has. although also now im going to have to research what was used as painkillers way-back-when, but im betting shes still got, like, her pain pills, they probably had those, maybe i wouldnt have to try too hard there. old timey medicine could be WACK though,

Shitload

Yeah hes in tthis shit mostly cause i liked designing his cowboy self lmao

Hes a kid (like 16, 17, technically i think in those days that was more Young Man than Kid but whatever. Hes Young i mean.) who got possessed by the Worms out in the desert and, by his family’s perception, just went missing!

Hes also a wanderer, but he ended up at the same town john and dave met in, at that same time, and starts following them after, already aware of who/what they are.

He keeps his face covered 24/7. actually he covers a Majority of his self for reasons. kinda want him to be a slightly more horrifying Worm Entity rather than human idk,

I kinda dont have much for this boy yet sorry Shitload

images !

with some editing notes for me cause im doing a very specific aesthetic with this lmao. i might change some lil details/colours though ...... idk

im also kinda 🤔 about shitload's colour palette. i want things assoicated w the sauce to be black'n'red predominantly but i think his palette might mirror dave's too closely. also im working on a korrok design i jsut am too busy to draw it now

[safebubblebycyg]

trans harry + drarry au:

☆ harry being deadnamed would literally be the worst pain to ever exist to him but draco would always be there to bitch slap the person who dare speak such a name

☆ harry having to go to madam pomfrey to get testosterone potions

☆ madam pomfrey rolling her eyes at him one day when hes late "mister malfoys mouth is not filled with testosterone, potter"

☆ harry secretly binding during quidditch even though he literally can NOT breathe

☆ hermione looking ready to hex him when she finds out

☆ " 'mione!! i swear im taking it off after!!" "that doesnt matter harry!! its dangerous!! either wear a sports bra or dont play!!"

☆ harry reluctantly wearing a sports bra after his confrontation with hermione

☆ ron finding out when harry unbuttoned his shirt to reveal tattered bras way too small for harry layered onto his chest

☆ ron immediately accepting harry "you've always been more a man than ill ever be, mate"

☆ draco finding out a month after they're dating

☆ he found harrys binder monster (as he affectionately called it) "love, why didnt you tell me sooner? that's it, im getting you a new one. a real one"

☆ draco immediately SPOILING harry. new binders, button-ups, and boxers

☆ "draco you cant just buy me a binder every time i get a stain on one, it's way too much-" "oh hush, what else am i spending my money on?"

☆ snape being the greasy thot he is and purposefully using female pronouns and deadnaming harry in class and in the corridors

☆ which causes ron to start H.P.P.S.; harry potter protection squad

☆ neville, luna, ginny, hermione, pansy, blaise, and ron being proud members of H.P.P.S.

☆ they even got pins just to confuse the hell out of harry

☆ harry not going to class on dysphoric days

☆ mcgonagall understanding when he misses class and allowing hermione to do his homework and take his notes

☆ harry once got told he played quidditch "like a girl" which tore him apart...until ginny stole the beaters bat and hit the quaffle to let it hit them dead in the face

☆ harry finally getting fed up with not knowing what H.P.P.S. was so he pulled them all to the room of requirements and made them fess up

☆ harry just burst into a fit of giggles and thanked them before giggling again

☆ harry let his protection squad stay intact as long as he got a crown with group initials

☆ yes, harry got his crown

☆ harry coming to potions class as an ultimate grump one day

☆ "miss potter you're late-" "yeah and you're transphobic, dont talk to me snivilly"

☆ he didnt even get detention, snape was too taken aback to remember to give it to him

☆ harry forgetting to take off his binder before he slept and waking up so sore he couldnt take it off

☆ "er- 'mione??" "yes harry?" "can you help me take my um, my binder off?"

☆ hermione giving him a twenty minute lecture and fussing at him for sleeping in a binder. she also gave him one of her bras "YOU ARE NOT WEARING IT TODAY, DONT ARGUE HARRY"

☆ harry dragging himself around the castle until draco stops him on the way to dinner. harry just slumps against his chest and sobs "m couldn wear m binder today, 'mione wouldn let me, m slep in it" he had sadly mumbled against dracos chest. draco just squeezed him tight and drummed his fingers against his back "how would you feel about top surgery?"

☆ long story short, draco wanted to pay to get harrys top surgery done by the top wizarding surgeons in the world "it wont even leave a scar, recovery will only take a week"

☆ in conclusion that was harry's favourite christmas present in his fifth year

☆ "GUESS WHOS FLAT, FLAT BEGINS, I AM FLAT, TELL A FRIEND" was all harry sang for a month, and only the muggle borns understood him that month

☆ draco catching harry sobbing in the bathroom one day "thank you- merlin thank you dray, im finally flat, thank you so much"

☆ and harry finally feels so good

☆ until snape finds out. yeah, that's right the slimey bitch ruins harrys pride

☆ "harriet, please stop touching your chest. we know you altered your body because you fail to be a real man, but you're getting a bit egotistical." AND DRACO HAS NEVER BEEN MORE LIVID

☆ he punched snape. but not before delivering the most powerful speech that hogwarts has ever heard, "how dare you. how DARE you. HOW DARE YOU. you are supposed to be a teacher. a role model. someone that students believe in. and yet you have to audacity to call harry by his dead name, misgender him on multiple occasions, and proceed to humiliate him after he has been living the happiest life he has ever lived and you saw that and RUINED IT. you, severus, are a monster. you have no idea the hell that harry has been through for being born in the wrong body. so let me give you one. 41% of transgender individuals attempt suicide at least once in their life times. that is almost half! OH and get this one! 51% of transgender males are part of that. that is MORE than half. for all you know, harry could be part of that percentage. because of people like YOU. insecure, idiotic, racist, homophobic, transphobic, morons. harry had to fight his family for his will to live and you're the only person left in his life that is trying to take that away from him now. you think that just because hes a little different and just because he wasnt born with a completely flat chest or a bulge in his pants that he isnt a man? because if that's all a man is to you then you are full of shit, severus. because harry is more of a man than youll ever be. my father will damn well hear about this. and you will be fired. because you are a greasy, transphobic, nobody. now excuse me, as i escort the entire class out of your useless lesson. nobody will ever need to know how to enhance the effects of amortentia anyway"

☆ yeah snape was fired. and no one dared to mess with harry again

☆ draco declaring one day that one half of the slytherin table was now dedicated to the H.P.P.S.

☆ theodore, astoria, crabbe, goyle, seamus, and dean joined the H.P.P.S not too long after this, missing their friends and finding it funny that draco had now become vice president with ron

☆ harry now spending his summers between the burrow, the granger's, and malfoy manner

☆ basically, ron, draco, and hermione had a contract (yes, hermione wrote it) that was a custody plan with harry. they even got mcgonagall to sign on it

☆ "you are not living in a household that calls you such horrid things" "they just call me a gir-" "AND YOU ARE NOT. HORRID"

☆ honestly any of the three could have had that conversation with harry

☆ harry felt safe at all times now

☆ "dray? mione? ron? thank you"

[the-dimensionmaker]

Oh boy.... where... WHERE... do i begin with this... i had to think about this for a LONG time... cause i know if i talk about this and try and give Aidan more attention... then my friend and great artist, Raisha gs will be upset with me... and.... will probably block me.... leaving me here to grieve again for the mistakes i did...... so if Raisha some how knows that i have a twitter acc... first off... hi dude... second off dont block me... yhe worst you can do is block someone for trying to get something out of they're situation so they can feel better... im not saying that your a bad person... im not saying that that your trying to control my life... all im saying is that.. please... understand that i need to do this... if people are doing this against people like Lui or Mini Ladd or even Shane Dawson... then i should do the same for a guy who has did this... dont worry... i blocked him on twitter.... so dont worry about him trying to find out about what im talking about... ok...? I hope you understand...

so for starters if you dont know who i am, i am the Dimensionmaker. Someone who wants to make animations for yt, who wants to make his own games, want do lets plays, and even talk to you viewers... i have a rough life... filled with nothing but people lying to me, people cheating on me without a reason (the numbers of people who did that is now 61 in total...), people lying ABOUT me, nothing but fear, and many more... Jaiden or Kitty Courtnie And Linka, is... the first gf i ever had. She was... the worst as well. She never listened, didnt care, and then cheated... then we have... Aidan2003, who is the main topic of this...

We start from what caused all of this to happen... when i was in middle school still i was on roblox... i had great friends... one of them named herself Jaidenanimations (not the real one...) also known as Courtnie... she was the nicest.. at the time she had a bf named Dud.. (btw Dud is Older then both me AND courtnie.. he acted like a complete creep around her..) but fsr.. Dud broke up with her.... someone named Ethan dated her too... but then broke up with her... and who knows if he is older then courtnie at the time... she was now sad... so i decided to become her bf... and when i did... we were... THE BEST... we loved each other more then anything... she would without me asking, want to do a drp with me... she wanted to come to my house... she wanted to meet me irl... she was better then anyone...things got a bit worst... Jaiden was now enemies with everyone... (Ethan, Dud, Jonathan, etc...) she doesnt want them to follow her... so i decied to be a bit strict.. and tell her to NOT go to any of the roblox games till she blocks them... and she lies to me... saying that... "She wasnt able to block them as a crack was CONVENIENTLY on the block and unfriend button..." and when ever we have a plan or another idea on what can actually work... she lied her way saying thaings like oh.. "My Phone Is Dead" and such.. so much in fake that it was... PREDICTABLE... she then started to hang out with them... i became a bit more stricter... then my mental health became bad... she didnt listen... it made me feel like nobody listens to me... leading me into a depression... i felt like nobody liked me... nobody listens to me... nobody even cared about me... i wanted to die... a... bunch of times... most of the time... she never cared... then... on yt......... she cheated on me... with 2 people who were OLDER THEN ME AND HER COMBINED (being both Jonathan and Dud... keep that in mind...)... i noticed this.... i was FURIOUS..... i yelled at the thing i thought was a girl i Loved... a girl i could trust... a Girl that i thought was LOYAL..... then her parents got involved calling me rude words like European Boy (i think it was something else) "just because my skin was black".. keep that in mind as well... "her parents deleted her discord acc For Good..." (keep thaf in mind...)... then... i sobbed... again... and again... i tried to go and find people who cares about me or loved me... but then they cheated... one by one... my mental health became WORST.... i tried many methods... me having more then one girlfriend... having them make promises due to what has happen to me... being nice... being strict..... nothing worked.......... my life was miserable...... i didnt finally be able to talk to courtnie and get her to break up with Jonathan... she was happy that she did... but then she didnt come back to roblox... but then betrayed me yet again........

I asked one of my friends on if they are able to talk to Courtnie...they couldn't... all except for one person one of them know... Aidan... i talked to Aidan and he actually was nice... but then... he started to act like im a pedo... wanna know why...? Get this... JAIDEN LIED ABOUT HER AGE THE WHOLE TIME. when i was 13 she was 10 ALL ALONG. She lied to me for YEARS... saying she was my age.... i blocked Aidan and never talked to him ever again... and jaiden finally talks to me and we were in good terms... but then... Aidan came in.... saying jaiden has caused alot of crap to him... i believed him and became his friend only to be forced into a group where this friends (ETHAN AND IVAN BEING ONE OF THEM) could harass me... then... we go to his videos... his videos are false... they barely show proof... he says points that are completely incorrect.... hell here is some (not all cause i dont want to be texting all night) he said in them...

- "I Know Where You Live And I Know Everything About You"

He says this yet he assumed i was a 25 year old man. Even tho im now 15. At the time i was 14 now im 15. Plus he doxxedy house. And stole my IP ADDRESS... that right there makes him seem more like a creep. Courtnie without me asking told me where she lived. This guy STOLE MY IP ADDRESS AND FUCKING DOXXED MY HOUSE. That right there will show that he is a bad person who is just lying to ruin my life... speaking of lying

- "Schroederluvr Is A Minor"

This proves that he didnt even talk to her... she isnt a minor... hell looking at her compared to me... she is OLDER THEN ME.. SHE IS 20 SOMETHING YEARS OLD. I Didnt Harass Her Anyways so why is he saying that i did.

- "Lillie is innocent"

Lillie on Instagram literally said in her own words that she is bullying me because of me being depressed. Thats jot justified AT ALL.

"Klara's post is about me"

No its not. Its about lillie and her friends. Who BTW IS DMING ME SENDING A PICTURE OF SOME STUPID PICTURE OF A INCINEROAR. sure yes it doesnt seem to bad but its EXTREMELY ANNOYING.

- "Telling the police that Aidan doxxed my house and Stole my IP Address wont do anything"

It will, Aidan. It literally says that no matter how you got it or why you got it, you will be send to jail.

- "TALKING to minors is bad"

Wrong. If thats the case then someone like WILDCAT, VANOSS, H2ODELIRIOUS, MARKIPLIER, CORYXKENSHIN, AND MANY MANY MORE would be swatted and in jail. Its not Illegal to talk to them.

- "that Katie is innocent"

Katie has done a MOUNTAIN of stuff to me. So much so that even the nicest people of all time wont be nice to her. She isnt in the right. AT. ALL.

- "that telling people to leave me alone is harassing them"

Its not harassment. Seriously. A NORMAL HUMAN BEING WOULD KNOW THAT IST NOR HARASSMENT TO TELL SOMEONE TO GO AWAY OR LEAVE THEM ALONE

- "That im a predator yet youw ont go after Jonathan and Dud"

He literally spares them but not me. Jonathan was 17 i think. And Dud was i think 19. Now he's probably 20 OR 21 YEARS OLD. And you STILL come at me for just DATING someone who LIED ABOUT HER AGE.

- "that i was... Harassing? xxlitle_dummyxx"

Even tho she literally wants to be rude while im trying to help... wow... just fucking WOW

- "that not telling people your name, nor putting your name on your acc is a bad thing"

No.. no its not... hell we look at a bunch of youtubers doing that. Hell there are a bunch of people i KNOW that doesnt say they're real name. It's THEY'RE CHOICE. Not yours Aidan.

Anyways.... then to make things worst he called me the N word a bunch of times then say that he "didnt" because i didnt have proof... wanna know why? BECAUSE HE BLOCKED ME AFTER THAT SO I WASNT ABLE TO TAKE A VIDEO OF THIS. Then he made a fake conversation between me and jaiden. I can tell its fake by just looking at the pfps and names...

I decided to delete all the posts about him on Instagram... not because he beated me... but because i wanted Raisha gs to be happy... to not hate me...... to not block me... thats something that Effects me when it comes to someone like Raisha or Brsstar... i worry that if i make one mistake for what ever reason... ill be blocked... so im hoping that Raisha understands that i cant hold all of this in anymore... if Aidan are exposing me for shit i didn't do... if PEOPLE are coming out to finally say the truth about someone... then i should as well.... i hope you understand if you made it this far...

So... here's what i have to say for the conclusion of this... if you all see the name... "Aidan2003"... block him... REPORT HIM... do what ever you like to him.... he wants to hurt me for shit i didnt do... so why should i say to not do the same to him... he is not a good person... he never was....

This is The Creator Of Multiverses... and i will soon make other posts, dont worry ^^.

Till then my fell Universers..

[karmalondon]

#BlackLivesMatter

I'm calling some of you out, with all this madness going on, I wanna share whats on my mind.

I think around 90% of Turks/Turkish Cypriots are racist hypocrites.

Hear me out before you think its not you.

I grew up in Tottenham till i was 12, Now we all know Tottenham has a very large black community.

Why do we all know this?

Because its always been talked about in that way.

Anyway, my childhood was amazing i had alsorts of friends from different backgrounds at school, i loved it there, it was a place i was free to play with whoever i wanted, and i did, i don't have any memories of racism at primary school.

However i do have memories of my parents' friends (family even) saying stuff to my parents like "Why dont you move, you're surrounded by Blacks" followed by "Why dont you move somewhere with more English?"

My parents would answer them by saying our Black neighbours are nicer to us than the English are. They would say abd describe the English people they knew, as cold and only willing to see you and speak when they feel like it.

We're my parents being racist or just saying it how they saw and experienced it, im not sure,

but what i do know is i personally can't prove them wrong yet, dont get me wrong i love all my friends but if im gonna separate race, like its happening now, i have to agree, with my parents and say to this day my English friends have never been racist to me, but have always kept me at their convenient distance, sorry if you disagree but that is my feelings, how i feel.

Is it because they are racist? or just a general way of English life?

Or is it just the ones God puts on my path? (I have lots of questions) anyway im veering off here, going back to Turks being racist.

As a kid, I remember going on holiday to North Cyprus and making friends with some gypsies that lived across the road, i was told off for this by a lot of my Nans neighbours (you know the ones that came for coffee and woke you up every morning with their chatter and gossip), i was told not to play with them as they were gypsies and black, so that there was my 1st encounter i remember clearly with people not thinking like i did (so what if they were gypsies and black i was having fun with them), It gave me reasons to see these elders as stupid (now I'd say deeply uneducated), as at that time i had no idea what racism was, so i agree 100% when people say racism is taught. So anyway, naturally i had no respect for anything else that came out of their mouths and for this i was given the naughty rebel title from a very young age.

Moving on, we moved from Tottenham to Edmonton when my daddy got a job working for British Telecom, Not because of Black people, but because my parents now had a better income and the houses were nicer and there was more open green space for us to play, they thought they upgraded.

I start a new school and funny enough I'm in really new territory, i was 1 of only 4 turks in my class and i knew it, I felt the foreigner, but found my new friends were more keen to learn about our culture than to bully me or be nasty about it. But none the less i still felt foreign.

Later i made lots Greek Cypriot friends they just seemed to be so similar to us Turks and yet so different, but yet we all clicked and clicked well. I knew a little bit about the Cyprus war, but it wasn't really something that was spoken about in my family. As i was getting older and going out, going round friends houses, thats when i really began to here the stories of the Cyprus war, but it wasn't from my family no, it was my Greek friends parents telling me all about it, every single one i ever met had to bring up the story and educate me.

so now im a confused teen who thinks i got great friends, but every Greek parent still holds a mini grudge against Turks or just wont let go of the past.

It always felt like it was their way of letting me know i was privileged to be in their home. That may not be what they would say, but its how i felt.

Yet again i still wonder was it just the people in my life path? Or is this the Greek Cypriot way of life? Maybe like the English are stereotyped for conversations about the weather, that's just what the old Greek Cypriots do? I mean its still a history story told to tourists in South Cyprus to this day.

Obviously I've gone back home and questioned the stuff, done my own research too and come up with my own decision and that was that this is how deep racism still runs, Its such a small island with such a small population that couldn't (still aint) live in harmony with one another, who cares who had it 1st, (my conclusion is Dinosaurs btw) anyway the Bible says "Love thy neighbour" and one of the fundamental laws of the Quran is Oneness and Unity, so for such a religious island full of Churches, pictures of Mary's and Jesus Christ and Mosque's and with prayer read out loud on speakers 5 times a day and atheism at a low there, I think it's truly hypocritical racism on both parts isn't it?

Why do we live in harmony here but not there?

What made it all different just by crossing an ocean?

Or are we just faking it?

Coz it looks like harmony until one wants to marry the other, and the same again when it comes to the Black community. although this is slowly changing.

We all know finding true love and connection is very rare, every now and then a person blessed to meet and connect with someone on a deep level, someone who gets them, someone who presses all the right buttons in all the right places, someone who wants to be with them always and share a life together, when that happens you don't see that persons Colour, Race or Religion.

But take that relationship outside and all hell breaks loose, everyone has something to say about it, someway to feel about it.

Especially those who have been suffering in fear of loneliness in loveless marriages for years.

God help any Turkish girl that might fall in love with a Black or Greek man, 50% of them today would loose their family.

I have also seen many Turkish girls in multi racial relationships suffer and fail because of the family putting so much pressure of hate on the relationship,

When it does fail its usually because they lost their family support system, shut out in the cold by the ones that once said nobody loved them like they did, then being made to feel like they brought shame on the family. Being made to feel like they were a waste of time being raised.That kinda hurt changes people, its bad, but the guilty party dont accept and usually turn around and say "I told you so", hence enforcing their racist belief was true and so it continues.

I have also come across many Turkish males over the years and still to this day know of many who have many Black friends but would never touch a Turkish girl who has been in bed with a Black male!

Is this not hypocritical racism too?

But i guess it justified because we hear stories on the news of some other races that murder their daughters, to honor the family name, should they run off with a Black man, so i guess Turkish girls are lucky, aren't they?

Then we have the stupid racism against our own, us British Turkish Cypriots have always been treated differently when visiting Cyprus.

And a lot Turkey Turks that act like they're better than everyone. Always teasing the way we speak and always pointing out and saying something like "Ohh you're Cypriot"

Well yeah we speak different, you twat, its mixed in with greek because we used to live together.

Then they act like we still owe them gratitude for helping us get half of Cyprus (not all of you but a lot),

Well I think every Turkish household in North Cyprus has a picture of Ataturk in there home to this day.

The Turkish Cypriot government has even allowed mainland Turks to set up lots of hotels and casinos and brothels and created a safe haven for those with money running away from trials.

How much more gratitude do they want?

Especially as in my eyes all they really did was create a huge divide and caused unnecessary ongoing racism, where it once never existed, instead of helping achieve peace and harmony.

So if we are gonna end racism it starts with you.

Open your eyes every time you mention people by their Race or Religion or Colour?

Ask yourself was it really necessary?

Ask yourself why you think about people of different Race, Religion or Colour the way you do?

See your own racism 1st.

And finally I would like to add no Turk except the Black Turks has ever faced racism like Black People around the world have and still face.

It needs to stop and it needs to stop now.

I'm just having a rant based on my life experiences and this is only my opinion and does not include any real facts other than my personal encounters and experiences.

[infantacarlota]

literally everyone: can u for once if your miserable life stop with the sad ansty shit  me:  

time: c. late 2016 riley can meet me in a mcdonalds parking lot and fight me on this later if she wants characters mentioned: @ofcosima, @princetomas

There’s something special about all of the fancy formal and informal highly decorated parties and events taking place towards the end of the year. 

There was a time in her teenage years when she had stopped feeling this way ( at that point in her life being surrounded by people only made her feel more alone ), but she was glad that wave of depressing isolating disenchantment seemed to have passed and be well behind her. Not even know did she feel tempted to circle back to it; while the last handful of years had had their downside moments, they been good to her, sometimes better than she felt deserving of. 

It was nice to be able to catch up with those she didn’t get to see as often, even if only in a superficial manner, and comforting to realise that time and distance don’t matter when it comes to some friendships. 

It was perhaps a little sad or even pathetic to admit it, even if only to herself and nobody else, but she had needed this - was thankful for it. All the mingling and socialising and re-connecting and helping out and offering support to other’s when needed ( because in these events, after glasses of Moët & Chandon, feelings often get the best of people ), it was all helping keeping her busy and distracted. 

At the very least, she could thank Tommy’s parents ( whom, truly, she was still fond of ) for that. The holidays themselves were going to be painful, she had been bracing herself as best as she could for it, but until then she didn’t have much time to sit around dwelling on how her life had so suddenly been thrown upside down for there were too many events and parties to attend to or help plan. Not that the heartache she woke up with, carried with her all day, and said goodnight to every night ever let her forget it, anyway. 

These days, she had been trying to think of the pain that made it seem like one of her limbs was missing as a friend - as a reminder that it only hurt was much as it did because it was had been something good and real.

( And my God, she misses it every day and it hurts so overwhelmingly much everywhere all the time - even when she happens to laugh the underlying pain is still present. And not having a best friend there with her any longer makes it all a thousand times more difficult to bear. )

She doesn’t believe that she’ll ever not what to share things with him ( even the smallest most mundane things at times ), but she hoped that one day thinking of the pain as something good would help make everything easier. That it would help her no longer feel like something had struck her in the chest leaving her forgetting for to breathe for a second when she remembered she no longer could just call or text or want to see him. 

Because she still did.  

And it was such an excruciating journey to go through time and time again; the innate knee-jerk reaction to want to tell him about something or simply ask him about his day, only for a second later to dawn on her that she couldn’t, or rather, shouldn’t. She still spoke to him when they happened to be thrown under the same roof, all quick and polite conversation, desperately attempting to maintain some sort of normalcy, as if it was possible to act the same way she did before they had been together. 

But was easier for both of them to keep a distance, Carlota had easily and gladly respected that. It didn’t feel like it, not in the least, but it was. 

He wasn’t here tonight however ( and she suspected Cosima wasn’t either ) but was going to have to face him again eventually and in a bittersweet way she didn’t mind it - seeing him would hurt, but she also missed being in his presence. 

She could swear that even in the noisiest of rooms, the quietest voice could mention his name that her ears would somehow be able to hear it, and she always stops everything she’s doing and thinking about to try to listen. Even when she’s speaking to other people her attention always wonders to whatever voices are speaking his name - she can’t ever keep herself from paying attention to what’s being said about him. 

Maybe she should, but he’s still a dear friend ( he’ll always be a dear friend, he’ll always have a part of her heart ), even if they haven’t talked in a while.

Nothing could prepare her to hear Cosima’s name in the same sentence as Tommy’s though.  

                    “I swear. Cosima. From Andorra.”

It hits her like a mallet to the temple and suddenly it’s as though the air had been sucked out of the room, leaving her feeling slightly dizzy. 

All at once she feels the pain of Cosima’s sudden and inexplicable ghosting, the pain of when Tomás told her they had to end things ---- and now the pain of hearing the two of them are together.

It’s heartbreak all over again only this time times three, and Carlota stands very still, not even daring to open her mouth, afraid that if she makes the slightest of movements she’ll disintegrate into a million pieces.

          “She’s pretty.”

                   “Kinda crazy if you ask me.”

         “You always think every woman is kind of crazy then wonder why they won’t date you.”

                               “I think she’s a mama’s girl.”

It’s an awful thing and she hates herself for it, but doubt and insecurity immediately begin to cloud her mind like they hadn’t in years, and she can’t help but wonder if Cosima and Tommy had been together before...

No. She admonishes herself. 

Tomás wouldn’t have done that to her, he would never cheat on her or lie to her, and, despite all that happened ( and which she’s still struggling to wrap her head around ), she wants to believe Cosima wouldn’t have either. 

                  “Wait, don’t you know her Car?”

All eyes turn to her and the world begins moving at a regular pace again.  

Carlota reminds herself to breathe. Slowly.

She was like a sister to me, she thinks. “We were friends.” She replies.

                “Why would you have befriended her?”

        “She befriends everyone. But it’s a gift Car, I don’t have it.” 

                              “That’s because you’re chronically incapable of being nice.”

The voices and their playful bickering become background noise but the grin was still gracing her lips - or rather, now plastered on her lips, but the people around her didn’t seem to notice the slight change. 

A part of her was thankful for it.

Another wanted to fall on the floor with her flowy Elie Saab dress pooling around her like a kind of protective shield, uncontrollably sobbing her heart out and to hell with whoever saw it and what they thought.

She can feel her chest collapsing in on itself.

Breathe, she reminds herself again. She had learned many things during her three years ( which felt more like a whole lifetime ) with Tommy and how to breathe when the world seems to be falling apart had been one of them. 

Breathe.

“I should go check on my sister.” 

It’ll be fine. It’ll be fine. It’ll be fine. It’ll be fine. It’ll be fine. She repeats the worlds time and time again inside her brain as she walks away, her hands tightly holding the flute of champagne close to her chest. Not tonight, she concedes, but it’ll be fine it’ll be fine it’ll be fine . 

[nocancer]

Tryna by Cancer moon

Before Young T went to bed he poured a glass of water and looked out the kitchen window to his backyard and noted how the snow made 3:00 A.M. look like 6:00 P.M.. Only difference being that if he stepped outside with his glass of water to the seeming twilight he wouldn’t be able to hear the rush-hour traffic like he usually could if it was Friday and 6:00 P.M.. Young T didn’t bother going outside because the snow was still falling a little and it’d be there when he woke up. And the neighborhood would still be silent, as it always was.

Young T woke up and his fan was still humming its white noise which he needed to sleep at night even though it was January and his dad was reluctant to leave the heat on over night. The small fan sat on his dresser and was pointed away from his bed towards his window which emitted a sharper and more blinding afternoon light than what he was used to. He checked his phone for the time, it was about noon - about the time where his parents bedroom door would open and their TV would blast the local news and his persian cat, Jo Jo, would meow at his door from which would force him out of bed to open the door so Jo Jo could jump up on his bed to sleep on his pillow from which he would either start his day or keep doing nothing. This time he laid back down, idly on his bed, with the covers pulled over his head to lessen the effects of his slight cat allergy. Jo Jo had a flat face and was grey and fat, and he occupied the entire pillow. Young T thought of how he wanted to trade lives with Jo Jo.

Young T couldn’t fall back to sleep, so he looked at his phone. He bireifly looked at worldstarhiphop, Twitter, then Instagram.

Then he went to bed with a head ache and woke up in college.

9/27/17 wednesday

Tycho: excuse me, hey, getting along just fine, I see? Yolandra: hey, and yeah, sort of, just studying, whats going on with you T: Nothing, the usual, i guess, being responsible, trying not to offend anyone. Y: Oh but you're so innocent. If anyone's offended its on them, not you. T: But my presence alone, I dont know, like I'm out of place or something. And I just want to tell people,  Yeah, so, I know how strange it is, me being here and all. Y: You're a free spirit amongst prisoners. That was my favorite part about getting to know you.

Tycho: After all these years, not for a second did i think you were right for me. And thats why i liked you. Cus I'm crazy. Yolandra: thats okay? what do you mean?, i want to get inside your head again. T: [pause] Most people wouldnt understand. Y: Don't be too cool for school. Im not most people. If I knew what was good for me, I'd have cut ties with you a long time ago. But im a crazy bitch too. Havent you realized? T: Yes. Youre highly psychic when it comes to "free spirits" like me - and you, though maybe, "lost soul" would be a better term for me. Though I dont mind being lost. It keeps things interesting.   Anyway, you should spend your energy on solving world hunger than worrying about me. Y: dont be so difficult. catching vibes isnt easy you know? coming for your type. Who knows, maybe youre worth it. Tycho: well, your the first to try me like this. im mysterious for a reason. Yolandra: And do you know why exactly? T: Thats for me to decide. Y: It's so damn frustrating. But I guess some things are better left unsaid. T: Most people wouldnt understand that, what youre saying. Indescribable feelings we know happened but fall short in explaining. That sort of thing. Y: I call those. "You had to be there" moments. Tycho: Honestly i never gave up on you, only myself, thinking you were different from my dream girl.   it took months for me to realize that but when i did the only thing i wanted to do was forget i ever met you. Yolandra: than what? T: the rest of these simple people that surround us, they see in a way thats opposite of what i am. Y: how convenient it must be. to blame your problems on people you dont even know. and just say "fuck it." I envy you. T: just my luck haha. of being born into myself, my personality forgive me, i dont mean to be such a downer. thats my ego talking Y: you had to be there T: where? Y: in my memories. T: it matters that much to you? Y: if I could find you in a crowd, just to say something, anything, even if i have to scream it in your ear,  then you'd know how much it means to me. Tycho: I'll be waiting for you to say hola.

9/30/17 saturday In the midst of an obnoxious trap beat I remember what my grandpa used to tell me. It's the harsh realities of life that stick with us the most. A dream is only a dream until you make it come true. Never hit a women no exceptions." He would say to a 7 year old me. Now I wish I had the balls back then to tell him that his strict army ass probably never had a dream that went beyond what he already knew. Like revisiting the same shitty cloud of meaningless thoughts every night till you reincarnate into someone who revisits a slightly less shitty cloud over and over until they become someone like me, who lives on the cloud everyone strives to be, forgetting those elvish looking folks of the below who never leave the house except to get groceries. There's comes a point in life where you just gotta be honest with yourself, and say hey, i just dont match the freqeuncy anymore. It's okay. I can still pretend like that one MGMT song, but im fading away. Fuck. I get naseous and imagine a cop coming around the corner which kills my vibe for a second so I take my headphones off, spit on my finger tip, ash the blunt, and walk to my dorm. I'm in water so muddy that the surface is all I have to cling onto. What lies beneath is my past, housing the memories like demons. Of course, her face, would be in the middle. Falling more faintly in detail as I wake up sober and go to sleep high and dream nonsense that somehow doesnt go away like the usual forgotten dream you usually wouldnt give a second thought to otherwise but this morning my head feels foggy and theres a vague recollection of a search going on but I dont know what it's for and my chances of knowing diminish as I go deeper into the day. A search, it's on repeat, like my brain is an actual TV. Thats probably a normal thought to have, though I've never heard it in real words. "Is my brain a TV." I say to myself.                                                                 if you can call it that. but those take the shape of monsters of which, as if I had no choice, I find myself preparing for so when the moment really matters, I can either go down in a blaze of glory or come out on top like the badass I imagine myself to be. All I know is that I was born and now I have to live.

Maybe because my past is so glaringly depicted onto a person I refuse to acknowledge. All that shit was a dream. The only thing that matters is the present, right? Bill Nye the Science Guy would agree with that. Back in elementary whenever we had a sub for the day, a cart would roll in and thats how you knew. I watched his show in elementary school, when we had a substitute teacher. Those were the best days. I had no worries then, able to speak freely with no inhibitions as if duality had nothing to latch its mechanical claws onto. Wait, I'm thinking about the past again. And thats going way back. Fuck! Okay.. On your feet soldier! That baby momma drama dont fly out here in the real world. out here  it's the winners and the losers, haves and the have-nots,  thats the way it is.

We're here to endure anxiety. I dont care about this slave shit. I think im gonna drop out. These fucking people bro, I shouldve known better than to come here. Deep down in the recesses of my highly realized capacity for recognizing everyday objects I'm  hearing the voice my computer makes. It just so happens that I'm a little different from everyone else. I see things. Feel them. Some are expressed. Others proccessed. Though most get put away for later. These things I speak of is all they'll ever be to Some bad. Some good. But in the end I understand the root cause  is nothing and thats where I pretty much exist anyway. In between any and all things, including people. At least that what it feels like. So although I may come off as shy and maybe a bit soft to the average layperson I aint no bitch and I wont hesitate to put my body on the line to make some headway when it comes to cementing my place as a savage demon in the halls of said layperson's memory bank. Someone who is wise would recognize the virtue of my conviction It is only because I must prepare for that singular moment, an unknown point in the fabric of time and space. To where if theyre not careful, a life's worth of energy should be pitted against me as if one were to stand a chance against the power housed within my vessle. Theres no such thing as a polite gesture. Nobody asks me how my day is "going" for no other reason than to relay to me how their own special day is "going". reckoning between a humble acknowledgement that I can never truly grasp the reason for existing and therefor should play my part in keeping the peace, versus pure badass in a world of sheep. And the more I get to know my surroundings, the more I reach erradically for the inherent bliss found within the path of satanism.

000t333g922276888o

Spmewhere off in the distance, Crermoth sits on a palm tree idly sculpting astral suspensions into a tattered fervor of mesh for working the keys of ineptitude. She is oblivious to her surroundings, not caring for chatty and gossip which she cant seperate between her reality and theirs because she is sensitive and when the the fully recognized sage, Esoh, confronts her about she says she much prefers it that way.

Their balance among them. With the wind at her side, Hojihka refuses the initial preference of her stillness and moves in a nameless precession by the whim of her ancestral birth right. "aaa may-ee soo shay-noo"

Her possession wakes up without a name. a new and more elaborate transposition of jubilee onto each successive indifference. The attention to one area renders the outer confines a vacuum enveloping the excess span unto both of their liable to taken over like a plain, sole, unconscious will. It certainly does its job Crermoth and has become something of a plan b pill thats taken during one of her many unpredictable episodes of self hate and general spiritual torment. One time she told J-Money she was a demon in a matter of factness that still haunts J-Money in moments when he pretends it doesnt bother him.. Reliant upon the interaction of her world and the next. Crermoth normally prefers being to herself on nights like these, that way she can answer any calls at a moments notice. A dimension close enough so that she may assist her friends in earthly manners of which, by the natural law of limitation, those lacking the incessant nobility of the Orisha cannot be bothered to see to themselves, less the tether between her world and theirs be rendered a useless tattered fervor of mesh that gives way to any varitable knock of an over arching brood of usurpment of the mundane frequency. “I need space. I only have but so much light of see to her calling as a being of light, assisting the pieces of herself that we’re lost during the falling. You remember that don’t you?” She says “Of course I remember. But only as a matter of fact. Upon closer reflection I fail to see the relevance of a subtle hunch with no bearings in the present.”

I must know that I’m allowed to be straight up with you, else I run the risk of straying from my calling. If there’s anything I hate more than being ignored its catching myself being lazy to the voices. “She musn’t veer to far.” Esoh said on a mountain.

999c4477P72222cv555566

The woman wakes up to look around. Store-bought soil, empty bike-rack, office building. "Harder. Think harder. Come on girl." She stands for dignity's sake. A car traces a hilltop in the distance. She raises her cold arms to the sun in defiance of stillness. Nothing is in tune with the nature of her being besides the stale wind of a coming day. "Where are you?" The car freezes as it reaches the horizon, but the sound remains on loop. Whirrrrr A portal manifests abruptly and Elegua arrives on a chariot of skulls. "Erzulie, madame, how nice it is to see you this early in the morning." A whisp of fire cleans her face and the car continues over the horizon. "It really shouldnt be, not like this. Where Im at should tell a lot you know." Erzulie said. "Quite a dense reply to a longtime friend, dont you think" "Hmm, considering how I slept in a bush last night and dont remember a thing. I shouldnt need to explain myself." "No? is the friz on your hair not matching the blood on your knees? I can't tell which." Elegua said.     Or is the attitude possessing you as if theres no consequence for ill-manneredness? I cant tell which." So long as one's not so dense up his selfish ass that he aint notice." "Oh so now all a sudden you about the finer things in life? We can switch places less you miss me. Erzulie said. Im only pointing out the obvious." Elegua said. Erzulie replied with silence, forcing life to flash before his eyes. She learned this from her Mother, Darkness. "Attitude is possessing you. I cant tell why but its a poison I dont deserve. I was only trying to help" He continued. "I just dont fuck with being called too early. So long as youre not too dense up your ass to take notice, safe to say i'm in some shit right now." "Clearly. A product of consequence." Elegua said randomly. "Yeah, recognize. Please, for me, baby?" "No more testing your patience, Goddess immortal of justice. Save that for what I came to tell you about." "Take me to cleanliness, saintly promise of wisdom. For im not feeling myself." They left the scene to the past and pondered on the pyramid they had just made with each other. "It's nice to be home." Erzulie said. Flying over the palm trees brought Elegua back to his power. "On the basis of love." Elegua said. The salt-water washed away all glimpses of doubt Erzulie had of her beauty. And she harnessed the pastels of the ocean. Thus, all guilt was abolished and unconditional love was convinced to dance within them. Drying his body under the rays of Amen reminded Elegua of his first words. Long ago, before Time was born. "O Father, you are so brilliant." "Thank you, son. I am the Light" "Then tell me, Father, if you are the Light, and are so brilliant, then why is it you flee from Darkness?" "All I do is my purpose, which seeks to balance harmony with creation. Although it is much more complicated than that. Like always I suppose. I'm afraid you ask me a question that I cannot answer. Here, because you are so curious, I will show you." "I'm ready, Father." Light grew brighter causing Elegua to cry in his recollection of what it felt like to say words. The links in his mind straining to pull in the right words. Not too plain to where the moment would be lost in happen stance, and not too radical so that his manhood could stay irrefutable (to convey meaning.) Then Light disintegrated into everything and Elegua searched for Light ever since. So Elegua went to the crossroads, and prodded Darkness for Light's wherabouts, "I want to relive the the moments before he left for eternity. Where can I find him?" Without a hug or a kiss, she told him to let go of his experience in order to live in the now, "Take his place and move forward. Grow up, your Daddy's gone cus you never did." "How could you say that me? I love you, Mom. Yet all I get is hate. Why are you hiding the truth from me?" "If I don't hate you, then who will? You got so much to learn that my heart breaks into brass. You must leave, understand me? LEAVE, before I do what your Father did and them some. I'm this close. Believe me." With nowhere else to go, Elegua obeyed the commands of his Mother. Although lonely at first, the spirits of the dead related to his despair, and offered to guide him through all the known and unknown realms of Ether, so long as he guided the spirits of the living to his Mother. So that the dead could learn for themselves the origins of their being dead. And when Light came back, they could say "Father, we know of Hate, now teach us Love." Elegua tried telling them that it was hopeless, that his Father was there, just not in the way they imagined, that they we're actually his Father and they had to realize it through an altered perception. but that negativity only made them more adament to their cause which annoyed Elegua into a manic spell of existential irony which persisted during times of war with the Snakes on 5th density. One battle in particular Badly wounded, he pulled his chariot with his arms to the middle of a corn-field on a full-moon during the Solstice, it was there he made a pact with his self, to never be ignorant to the fact that fate was an inescapable constant within all contributors to existence. That the very fabric that distinguishes the dead from the living was comprised of scattered shards of an indestructable essence that attached itself to the spirit-body via fate which is the Father of destiny. That the collective conscious is woven by the thread of Fate, thus binding a common goal, or Destiny, inherent to all beings of both polarities, thus setting in motion the spiral of gnosis, which lends itself to the spreading of keys that open the doors to helping each other fulfill each others Purpose. "I will collect the pieces of my Father so that I may speak with him again as I did as a child. I will never forget you because I love you. You are everything to me, which is all I ever could be. Please, I want to know why you flee in the face of Darkness."

____10/9/17 monday

My pace quickens as I veer away from the crowd onto the handicap stairs. I silently count my steps to give off a pensive, non-assuming vibe. Over by the quad theres crows just walking on the grass. Yet I'm the only one who seems to notice, even from a distance. The busses haul ass down Memorial St. I've learned to always be on alert because I'll never know whats waiting for me when I turn my attention off the floor and become reminded of string theory. Artificial energy, cork boards with grime on the edges, tunnel of dull ends, spongy plywood cielings. as i step with my head down and in every so sudden a demarcation in the bricks, the reptiles answer emails. This is where I'm going. Because my soul chose to live here at some point in time not too long ago considering the relationship between all that the universe has to offer and my general apathy towards said all as in any and all one. Which has become quite of a bore ever since the first week ended I had to come to terms with the reality that friends won't simply fall into my lap like they would     if I wasnt such      a masochist for being lonely. The row of pillars turn to one and all I see is the contentment in the air of the lobby. In the hallway are casually turned faces which glide about in a linear fashion like the ghost of a lost bride.. I get a side-view of the people afraid to admit that this is far from the paradise we expected it to be. The brochure in our acceptance letters didn't include the drunken nights of another dimension. I'm inside the life of an architect. One who's dead by now, but lives on through his work. I'm not going anywhere, the building would say, if it could talk. And I suppose it can. Because I just had the thought, and nothing is ever truly wrong without another thought to compare it to. But then if buildings could speak existed first, and was allowed to grow and find its place in the universe, then it'd be established enough to not warrant an adversary. But the question remains where, if it existed, was its fate organized before coming into my mind, awaiting my final judgement. Substitute me for a unicellular collective conscious and it seems like we're all dealers of fate her on planet earth of the milky way of the universe of the whatever comes next (should we ever know for sure). he or she deserves all the credit for it manifesting onto the grid of my consciousness, which is a zig zag joint's worth of a high right now. The perfect amount for not giving a fuck while still staying slick enough for witty comebacks. Which wouldn't hurt right now. This building isn't going anywhere. Though I wish it would. Because I dread what I'm about to do How he must have pained to communicate something he could call his own while maintaining a dignified and safe, always safe, because god forgive, well, you know, , putting the pen to the pad, drawing  collumns in front of a Victorian fassad Succumbing to authority just to eat with a roof over your head and not freeze your ass off like a homeless freak. Profit margins in the final half of quarter one are lower than 1 standard deviation to what is considered by corporate to be optimal. As of now, the college has no incentive to ship in product from outside sources. All inventory must be stored in house to the buyer's demand. You better not be late.

___ On the parking deck

Tycho: “I had a dream I was on an internet forum. Someone posted the words: “life is an endless hell. With a blurry picture of a street at night-time. Not much different from what’s in front of us. I thought that made sense, until I scrolled down, to see a video looking out the windshield of a vintage rolls royce, coasting along a pacific highway. And the lines kept going. Next thing you know I’m falling down a pitch black waterslide, dreading my destination. If I never woke up I have a funny feeling i know where it was leading.

Preacher: In that instance did you feel the need to repent for your sins?

Tycho: No. that didn’t cross my mind. It was too late at that point.

Miranda: “I used to.

T: What made it stop?

Miranda: Seeing all the happy people around me. And knowing that they’ve been through the same shit. Break-ups, Death in the family, just generally feeling lost.

My heart was broken ”

T: Getting over the mind can be a dark place when it has nowhere else to rest. You can train it to think anything.”

Miranda: True

Tycho: Lately Ive been taking these long drives late at night into the boonies. Just to see where I up. I realized theres so many lives I’ll never know about.

If i wasnt born into money maybe I’d be humble enough to hate myself for even thinking such a thing.

How’d you get out of that?

Miranda:

These know it all professors are getting on my nerves. I fear Im crossing into an abyss I’ll never fully understand. Honestly I can’t fuckin stand these people. What name do I have to make for myself that i haven’t already experienced in the depths of my soul?

Tyco: You know how they try to act like they all official and shit, like I won’t see past it.

Miranda: [agreement] They do that.

Tyco: [stream of consciousness] So I just told her look I know its a rule, but I’m all about learning at my own pace and no disrespect i love her but Mrs. Soso can only go so far in telling me how to write. You can give tips and tricks but at the end of the day, I’ve been developed my writing style.. Like I thought we were done with all this high school shit. Well I didnt say that.

M: And what’d she say?

Tyco: She was like “As you get further into your major 90% of your assignments will be in essay format.. we require full participation “ At this im like she gonna hit me with the book like hell nah THEN outta nowhere She said “However, I also believe in 2nd chances.”. On the outside I was cool but inside I was like “*fist bump* yo i cannot fail outta college like someone watchin out for me idk who but-

Chad: fuck that shiiiiit *holds up white rum in front of street light”

Friend in background: 12! 12! 12!

Abrupt scene change. Camera shows Tyco zoned out. Then police car, as Tyco begins to hide behind the tree hes smoking on.

My black hoodie and phone-call to my dealer will still be with me tomorrow as I do the same thing.

(From a dream 10/23)

Tyco is driving around serving with Shantel when she lights her phone up from the passenger seat and puts the phone to her ear.

Shantel: You are not finna be talkin all that mess on my phone. Be honest with                  yourself. Don’t lie. You a hoe ass bitch.

?? Caller: Why are you even calling me? I dont give a fuck.

Shantel: Wait till I pull up then and slap the shit out you. Would that be better                     sweety?

?? Caller: I’m at Kawaii’s 30 deep. Bring your lil boyfriend and see what                          happens.

Shantel: Try me bitch.

[ The economy sedan turns right on red seemingly without breaking. ]

Tyco: 30 deep huh?

Shantel: With them ratchets.

Tyco: She sounds scared as hell aint nobody sticken up for her like that. You know they gonna talk shit right but soon as we throw them hands they gon be like, I dont know that bitch.

Shantel: nah but she stupid tho like not even worth all that extra

Tyco: We’re going. Wheres that nigga house i’ll waze that shit and we get there we just pop off. Aite?

[Not looking at the road, but to her, coasting down an average 2-lane with box neon trimmed tire shops and drive-thru windows governed stately as immovable beasts of mothership stores lurk behind low-sodium trenches of the new world order’s surveillence agenda for mass poplations en masse. ]

              Just follow me. I’m walkin in and gonna start a commotion just bussin                 and you just break this bottle on her mother fuckin head and we out.

Shantel: haaah what okay

Tyco: You’re gonna fuck her shit up som serious.

Shantel: She talk shit about you.

Tyco: It’s in the stars babe for real.

Shantel: You gonna help me find that bitch?

Tyco: You my fucken queen I love you and I got you.

Neighborhood entrance.

Cars parked for miles.

House identified first glance.

Park.

Car doors..

Hip-Hop

Grass.

Walkway.

Steps.

Porch.

Door opens and yellow tops within the frame.

!! WHERE YOU AT// YALL FAKE AND CANT FINESSEE !!

AAAAAH YOU UGLY DARK SKINNED NIGROS

The caller is sitting on a couch ass to ass with other dudes. Looking stupid.

She never saw Shantel. Who came upon her like The Ring.

She has become a party magnet. It is a Slayer concert now. Nobody knows who’s who. Though Tyco is surely getting his ass beat. He catches of glimpse of Shantel’s fat ass ducking through the doorway and he could die right now and it wouldnt matter.

*GUN SHOT*

FUCK GOIN ON HERE MANE

“This not the place for you bro. - White boy comin up here in my place of business - Tryna pop shit off like you really not a bitch”

Kawaii looks up with his glock-9 extendo at his GD party mostly all gone just like that. The poor girl is still leaking.

“She need to go to the hospital.” Her friend says.

He points the glock at his head. Despair.

“Look around before I kill you.” An invitation.

Tycho: “I sold a 4 oz today after my accounting exam. I could be GD, 74, rock                            purp. whatever it be its nothing but Respect yo. Got connects with chad and Becky nahmean dog. Could put you on to some numbers they white and they fiends. Please OG.

“How much for a zip.”

“80, gas.”

“Was that yo bitch?”

“yea”

Kawaii: You lyin to me?

“No.”

“She eat your ass?”

“Yeah and bounce on my BIG ASS DICK” Tyco says with autism.

K walks away.

T: they don't even sell Molly bruh

K is you fucken high you dummies. Beat this nigga ass. *Tyco imagines the why the fuck you lyyin vine and remembers the exact moment he realized that wasnt an original song but actually a spin off of a classic throwback jam by the 90s R&B group “Next” in their hit single “Too Close”.. He was driving home from the cafe he used to write high school essays in while smoking a menthol american spirit with the windows rolled down on a spring evening playing KISS 104.1 Atlantas classic jams. Then he realized there was a full 6 minute video of the vine on youtube. After watching it he felt gayer. Thats all it did for him.

Tycho wakes up on living room floor.Terry (random G, on couch): *Hands him note× Kawaii said he's sorry. No hard feelings ya heard dog?

Tyco: I guess thugs act on impulse. *looks at note* and don't count on a gahdamn thing you bitchass motherfuckers. Tyco walks into class with a black eye. The Professor talks about interest loans. Tyco meets Moe after class in parking lot.

*Moe: Waddup

Tyco: It's lemon og I just got in.

Moe: Bet. Those last cookies you got. Bomb dude. It had them frar mother fuckers leanin like they can't handle that purp like that nahmean.*laughs*

Tyco: I got some backwoods you wanna hotbox.

Moe: Yo I'm down.

10/24/17 thursday

____ Last night I decided not to hate myself. The look I get from them doesnt bother me. Really, its a simple sign from nature that I’m used to by now. A wrong impression can sustain the fog of memory, of which I will be seen from the lens of another dimension, with not a care in the world, an angel in disguise. Thats the crux of my life up to this point. To no longer hate myself. But appear as if I still do. The nameless place in our past with no address., one of which even a frat boy can relate to. This invisible standard that’s thrown us into the pits of despair must be addressed. To seperate the real from the fake. Like the others are sleep walking through class fronting like they dont see me. The pyramid of perspective is an accordian overlayed on my third eye, televising scenes of sleep walkers who stay fronting like they dont see me. Walking behind the parking deck where green dumpsters were with my phone to my ear is a feeling that remains within me until I do the same thing over again in a few days. Buying in bulk never appealed to me. And if a 20 a g was the price thered be nothing my lonely ass could do. Fuck this worthless paper, I tell myself.

I tell myself. Anyone who catches my glimpse pauses for a split second, calibrating my own opinion of the why in life. A definition of nuance that was never meant to be expressed but felt. To sense what I’ve been wanting, free and alone, after all those wasted days.

I’m signalling. Though I havent been approached yet.

Figuring that would resolve the look I give other people. I mean, christ, I turned 18 last March. And spent the Summer in a last ditch effort to secure an identity before I made my plays in college. For too long I’ve avoided the call of the light and in return have gotten blank stares.

(SOMEHOW gets wrapped up into a petty conversation with sorirty girl (on top of parking deck.)

Clarissa: I was the only one alone in the entire party.

Tycho: Why didnt you leave?

T: Dont worry I dont wanna know your major.

C; Good cus it keeps changing.

T: You think you know everything dont you? This world aint nothin babe.

C: Why do you say that?

T: What do you wanna know? That I get money? Thats nothin.

Clarissa drifts off.

Hannah: So Stacy’s telling me the banners weren’t in that right place and we’re like an hour away from starting and we still haven’t even got the chairs in order and barely anyone who was suppose to be here has shown up yet.

Tycho: Where were they?

“Well for one, Candace, I dont know whats her problem lately, but shes been gone because her best-friends now telling her she’s not rushing anymore but thats honestly a relief because that girl wheres winged eyeliner and thinks shes better than us.”

Tycho: Oh, I think I’ve seen that girl at the library or something.

     I intuit that in order to justify her reasoning for not liking the winged eyeliner girl, that she channeled my very own resonant storm cloud of which I emit silently in the face of vanity..  

H: Well you’ll probably see her there a lot more cus shes definitely not with us.

“Okay so thats one.” I say as if taking notes.

“Then Rachel’s out at some charity event that I never even heard of probably with a guy she’s not telling us about which is so frustrating that of all days you pick friday night at the peak of rush to go be a hoe behind our backs.”

“Did she ever show up to the party?”

“Yeah. And she was fucking drunk.” She said as if surprised but not really because this is Rachel we’re talking about, after all.

“Like wasted orrr “

“Damn I didnt know yall got down like that.”

“Umm when youre stumbling through the door and your first words to all the new girls is hallelujah bitches!

She wasn’t with a guy.

“So tell me more about the party. Like was there”

who nobody knows anyway

is that Cheyenne is just out of it because her friends now telling her she doesnt want to rush anymore and for one its like look,

Wait, who’s hannah?

Hannah’s the leader of her sorority.

Ooooh, Okay, I see why now

-Yeah, I mean if word got around that would literally mean she was going around their backs to cover up that she was lying.

> Right. Yeah I hear what you sayin. She’s trying to make it seem as if it never concerned yall in the first place but if thats the case then she dont need to be acting like she got the right to be trusted.

This goes beyond reputation. Manipulating emotions just cus she has none of her own. Conniving biitch.  just to get her way goes beyond reputation.

Aint nobody wanna be around that energy.

> So what you tell her?

I get schizophrenic when it comes accepting new ways of being. The person I made him out to be was the perfect cure for my suffering. All those forgetful nights of boredom I knew what I needed all along, but was to scared to do it myself.

------ Frat house halloween party kidnap scene ----

GD shaman prays to shango for power to go out by mantra. Squad in car repeats the same mantra. The power goes out at 1:00 (or peak of the party).

Tycho throws blue flare through the side of the window

at the Tycho must find Chad and lure him downstairs near the door so the squad can get the keys to the room full cocaine and adderal. After looking everwhere he’s no where to be found. He walks in on a couple having with the girl in missionary with devil ears. “Yo chad that you?” Its

(fuckem x3) Music stops from power so he sneaks in wireless speaker in his robot costume  and puts it at one end of the room. Squad member 1 will carry bigger wireless speaker and set it down when he storms in. Tycho also brings a timed strobe light to distract people and keep the illusion of the party still going.

Tycho runs down stairs and towards door with chad chasing him. Squad slaps tape and mask on him and carries like a battering ram although theyve already kicked the door.

*Power turns back on*

“Fuck em, fuck em, nigga get out my section

Don’t want to see him, I don’t want to touch him

*waves zippo lighter in front of face so chad can see him through mask*

“Ima count 3 seconds and your dead on 5 if i dont get this combination” says calmly. thus saiyth the lord thy god”

“Three... No mercy”

“Two.. Shall be given unto those”

*gives code*

          “One.”

Love takes many shapes and forms.Tycho never opened up to people, hating himself for being incapable of feeling what others felt. He wanted more so he went spiritual. Which his close friends perceived as going off the deep end."Ayy whatsup bro you tryna smoke?""I have a calc exam tomorrow but I'm down after."Aight good luck on your studying tonight and then kill it tomorrow I know you got this calc is your specialty can't say the same for me but that's why you always tutored me haha."Let me know if you need more help. Figuring their was no bounds and he could be whatever, even silent, and experience irony rather than fate. How bland, he thought, to have a life plan and nothing to look forward to. Running drugs would be a necessary chain reaction. The highest elixer exceeding the bliss provided by the very weight he'd be pushing, itd be getting off on defying his own life, leaving spirit his only option. And so like a blackbird his soul seeks experience only in the clearest degree of visibility. Swerving transgressions of lonliness to levy the burdens of contrived responsibilities at societies every turn until his flight patterns veer from the trodden path to and fro the calling of reality in which he desires to preside over as a God of many statures. Untainted by works, head first into the entity of the adversary, of which he is able to predict the situational consequence in only a glimpsing moment before havoc ensues and the final hour is upon him, his loose wings coated with astral charcoal of depravity. Be caught slipping once and he loses the jump until the enevitable program takes its course - an unstoppable relationship between fate and reckoning that must be fulfilled as day turns to night. Once that happens he reverts back to being like the rest of them. Yet to the world, now desolated beyond repair, hed still be alive, exuding a calm presence that something is not quite right with him existing without remorse. The truth is simple enough, a hint just ever so slight as to never be able to cross the threshold of utterance, thus becoming rendered a convinction of self delusion on the part of the unknowing accuser, who by this time hates himself for even thinking badly of such a good guy to make peace with.  The collage curtails past the illusion of what is already known and at last the watchers take notice and thus regeneration is able to take place along all the land, allowing for new energy to take the throne of anticipation. One that has harnessed the potential to become anything the wonder puts his mind too. So what if I'm imaginative? Yolandra: I mean everyone's different in their own way. Like yeah the soroitys have a dress code and all that Starbucks and capris. But I don't know. You just have to get know a person for who they are and not how the outside world perceives them to be. T: So what'd you first think of me? Yolandra: Honestly not much anything. You were one of those people who could be anything. But then I overheard you say taurus's are gold diggers and I hated you cus I'm a taurus. T: Oh sorry I really didn't mean it like that but c'mon now I can tell you have a taste for finer things you bougie little.. Boob. *laugh\ haha "you know what I mean" It doesn't bother you? What? That so much could go wrong so quickly? Look, deep down he's telling you his heart lies with getting over and you let him because that's /just what you like about him, how deep he gets. cus he's a sad and selfish individual who was never about loving anything other than vanity. The best thing to do would be to trust his actions, intentions aren't what's important right now. Really, forget about the soul connection. Loves comes through all types of people as long as you're open to receiving them. Those energies. Don't lose yourself in the illusion. Without ever taking credit for what truly matters which should be you. Then your fashion made sense to me. T:  I'm so caught up in myself. I mean, it's impossible to know anything else. I'll never get to stand in your shoes. Its just truth. Yet I'm the bad guy. You're not like the other people I've met. T: Yeah I'm kind of loner if you couldn't tell already. I guess that's a good thing.T: Hey it's okay. I get that a lot... Wait what do you mean you guess? Ive found that who evers saying does a 180 in their normalcy.  Knowing your even here right now is a good thing. Knowing that you're with me even when im not. Don't you think? Starting out with confidence and ending strong to be lucky if I'm not hurt. Tell me what you want out of this. Sometimes I feel so lame, then I realize how fun itd be to not care. Through the window screen i see parchments and grass blades, this is an image I've sought to ignore for its blandness thinking I was over recognizing such mundane structures. The sunlight made me drunk with non verbal contemplation. I crave this heat when I'm in low spirits. And a breeze when I'm high. My thoughts are channeled from a lonely place (My thoughts come from a lonely place)  I've had no choice but to become accustomed to for my own sanity. To work faster and breach that veil of reckonning. So unreachable and enticing at the same time.T When I'm alone, welcome something more than the past if you ever cared to help me. This isn't the only world out there. And even if it was the material would eventually reach infinity. Then a black hole would open or something. Don't quote me on that, science is the hottest thing going right now. It cant hurt to butt in unofficially. As long as no one calls you on it. The universe molds to your confidence. That's another story. At the end of the day, I have too much pride to be a scientist.  The God they're serving calls for a lot of self sacrifice. A self that ignores emergency when called to speak. A self i'm not prepared to lose. "Why are you here again, nothing will change, you're gonna be quiet like last time" any handle on reality I had during the sun rise flees like an ex girlfriend into the night. I'm not prepared to lose. Anxiety is that humid feeling you get when roughnecking the time away. Jaded peripherals, internet browsing, and fading friends initiate a color spectrum so cruelly vivid in its inability to be shared with the CVS cashier who looked at you wrong because you bought 3 4oz bottles of robitussin. A man who couldnt care to see the streets, stop signs, and traffic lights. Man is a slang term we use when caught in the moment. Of which matrix programming loves to grasp onto. --- 10/25/17 wednesday So here I am enjoying a piece of lackluster nothing for the sake of something I've agreed to experience in a past life I can't even remember but somehow must make amends to as if its an actual concrete thing I can touch and make sense out of without caring to ponder how life puts us in these type situations like getting your hair done a new way and meeting a friend of a friend superficially without ever following up like aight word up bro I feel you by the way hows life and what's the special fact I should become one with in this moment while not thinking too much in to things or else id be alone as if we're not alive under the stars for any other reason than to be happy but still to me that becomes too much like a flash in time rather than something meaningful because then sex would have to be our purpose for being here but you and I both know it's more complicated than that so we look into it via memories and realize the journey was brighter than the reward as in I don't remember the actual sex part but rather the day as a whole with stained glass sprinkled in on a film reel to push the past into something real and unexplainably alluring to the self of which we projected this light onto in order to perhaps know in advance maybe how to repeat this metaphysical phenomenon for a second time because we're not quite there yet although at this rate if seems that to finally reach a state of thereness would mean we wouldn't be able to be here right now having this conversation like a building block struck from below or a house of cards we have to keep faith that every moment plays its part because we had an emotion for it and therefore couldn't be rendered to nothing in a wreckless attempt force it all together rather let each tile compliment it's neighbor and bypass the need for destruction by allowing enough caring energy to flow through that filter mechanism within you that deems lifes moments as worth remembering or forgetting and pretend you never heard about forgetting and avoid it like the plague because everything that ever was is depending on you to go forth into righteous so that gods original intention for letting go of unwanted baggage be synthesized within your vessel of upgrades intelligence so that the journey can still be appreciated only this time without th deceptive veil of the end. to question the little things that somehow don't mean much but at the same time appear to us daily as conduits for good fortune and thats what we must uphold ___ 11/2/17 thursday

I you and me playcated on a surface of stones that match our longing to search in the wrong places. Convenient are we done such a conceivable time that is time which is also time because what more can be said other than us winding down a fire escape to an inexplicable hatch sitting like paper mache on our transformative spiritual natures. Gone already but not forgotten just make sure to take the negative side of every situation involving 1 or more parties so as to make sure the rythym is in order because you can't go wrong with challenging the status quo of an area you're not suppose to be in even if that seems too easy and superficial it's the right choice because even the idea of rebellion as a bad thing must be able to project into a physical thing prompt for examination so secrets may be revealed. Wouldn't you know i stopped believing in faith due to its redundancy of chasing metaphysical strings too far out for us to put into words and isn't that the source of all our angst. Depraved of propositional phrases and elemental tables it's all so clear to me now. Casandra had a bag and Mikey had his sneakers in the forefront like a low hanging fruit but of course they had personalities that weren't so easy to see unless the hard work of interfacing came into the equation. Lets judge people based on judging for the sake of basing ourselves onto something not within our realm of reality. Perception is a hard question i think maybe inanimate objects could tell us a thing or two. Low pressure sodium lamps.Documentorial lecture hall amps failing to reach the end of the pyramid turned 90 degrees away from its focal point. May disease not reach our unexplainable selves if ever they may inhabit our temporary vessels like a friend who has no friends but you and wants desperately to get along with others but is attached to your ways. Are we in hell? What can our astral travels tell us about signaling locations with Etheric marks of time dialation. Things are what they are by defintion or they wouldn t be things however stepping the observer up a notch sets in motion cancer to grow from the singular notion that we ourselves separate on a cost of lightening our load. I am partly responsible for this mess we have made. Pulling my hair out in thin strands so as to not make a difference. Some people just don't understand what it means to be so far gone yet in a place of enchantment that lets us know we're not alone as Michael Jackson plays on the ham radio and Wikipedia says the song was written by r kelly. I'm a solitary young man, joined at the seams complacency and red-ridden vanishing points to a line of sight I'd rather not identify with if I had a choice. I'm seriously considering becoming rich and famous despite others already forcing me to. I guess eventually my spirit will give in as my soul looks from a distance and says what a fool I am then goes about his day. You can't be like the rest of them no matter how hard you try. Thinking on the sensualities you avoided after this rap shit led you no where. The palace at the height of creation where Jesus stopped and stared to collect his thoughts before he kept going when his alarm rang as his slave bending consistency tracked the new melinnia into a moldy piece of sandstone cheese the better of which tasted nutty with fruity notes and 80% abv shards of liquid glass on the throat thatd make even an immortal weep a shy tear or two. The pigs down in Mississippi feel things we can't understand in their slaughterhouse decrepit and forwarned in a musk ridden air flow that's non existent to hypocritical angels who were supposed to stop atrocity but opted to sit on their ads and play virtua tennis all day. Oink says the pig. Hee haw says the donkey. Give me life says the God and there on the 30th night fags came to tell the story on their faces. The bag lady told them to shut up and stop whining but they wouldn't listen though they lost their ability to speak. Goodness gracious me oh my great balls of fire. Great balls of ball you are the Lord of my lonely century in this dimension I took awareness to when I allowed you into my heart space.And then I left asking my self: Who is this I?

755559888a

Let’s stand for a while and think about the dastardly ways we have gone under the waters and flew away from temptation. Have us saying isnt it so pretty to be in something and have that to fall back on due to the struggles of forgetting the place we come from which didnt always have it out for us this bad in refusing us of inconjunctions we can at least point to and blame our problems on saying “See! There, I told you so. That’s why we cant find our beginning!” And we’ll keep toilling the fields as halflings saving up for a chance to leave the very universe we serve. “So thats more like it. Finally something I can get my flows on to” Shelly the alien said. “The Stars dont have to like you just because you see them. They have their place and so do we” Gerald said. “Oh but they do.” “How do you know?” “Well for one they always shine bright at the most oppurtune times, like when I’m feeling down about the part of myself that conveinently seems to escape me just when I need it most. If that be so then put me on to something else and that’ll do just fine.” “Perhaps you're not as big as you thought ”  Gerald held up his hand to salvage what was left of the dissolving psychic barrier between them. An invisible giant with an ocd issue. For now he could only listen. “No im not here to choose and thats exactly why Im not afraid to go where you can’t. Having the courage to admit your wrongs requires as much energy as universal rotation itself - a force which exists beyond our pleaidien awareness. ” “ But Shel- Okay whatever” Gerald paused and rolled the horizon through his scaly fingertips. “Keep calling on the unknown and you might get lost because it’s been there forever and sometimes Look, Shelly, no offense, you know I love you, but your awareness has no filter on what representation it can cling onto like danger isnt a reality to you. Me and Dazel always had to look out for you and thats just in this world what makes you think you can take on things you cant even see? “But do you believe in me? Anyone can say they love me. I’ve been hearing that my whole life. So much that it holds the same meaning as “um” does in conversation. Is that really the final conclusion we have at the end of the day? That you love me? Besides, I dont think you really meant that.”

“Here goes Miss Type-1 personality again. Always needing to label circles into squares, stars into gods, this as that, out of an inability to cope with insecurity. Leaving the rest of us as unwilling participants.”

“HOW DO YOU KNOW WHAT’S WRONG IN NATURE?”  Shelly bawled.  

The beach of Temofose was out of walking distance from the orange cottage they grew up in with there Mom. When they were young it was somewhere theyd go when they had nothing else to do. Euweu Sister Beach was the brighter of the two, but now too populated for their liking. Temofose is less frequented by other families and polluted by cargo ships and a lack of open views but as they stood there a semblence of twilight through the holographic cages offered closure to the purpose of them arguing in the elements about a timeline Shelly was going to step into  And no matter what argument he could put forth, Gerald thought of it fruitless unless he spoke from his heart, a heart of which Shelly was currently taking the place of, so that he could not use it against her. “Shelly, I just hope you can understand how I dont want to let you go.” “I’m sorry you feel that way. But it’s my choice. Have a good njght Gerald. I love you” She said as she went into darkness.

Summer Break 2018

As a street light exploring strip malls, I am a linoleum tile on top of a trapezoid emitting frames of rave scenes. Heres where I find myself walking through last nights dream of the gang member selling duck pussy then getting assaulted by a pizza guy and a cop. Alone after those nights. Seems love was never meant to be expressed but felt. I look inside to see if I’m about to die, seeing diamonds mixed with sky. Materializing in the backdrop of my memories. Now I know why.

Now I know.

Then a wren on the fence manifests when it needs to. The perspective pyramid is that I pleaded for a higher calling. There’s nobody bohemian as me.  One day I’ll take this civic off the road and escape into my sacred grove. If only I wasnt such a bitch.

I carry my single briefcase through the airport parking lot. I’m hot and out of breath. Everyone watching me. I can read their thoughts but not my own. They say look at the guy who isnt me but is still conscious enough to move his vessel.

The a/c runs down to the end of the terminal, but my spirit is squared by the stores selling vain material. The pyramid of perspective is an accordian overlayed on my mind’s eye televises scenes too chaotic to put into words. Walking through customs is an event to be remembered, I tell myself. Anyone who catches my glimpse pauses for a split second, calibrating my own opinion of the why in life. A definition of nuance that was never meant to be expressed but felt. To sense what I’ve been wanting, free and alone, after all those wasted days. I board the flight to say finally I am my own religion. If I was flying over africa I’d see bon fires, but over Georgia I only see street lights. Thinking how absurd that they will speak of me as crazy. Others will listen. A vibration through these amber aisles to look no further than my destiny. Because everyone has their destination is the way it goes. I refuse. I’m tired of being a number. Atlanta had its place. Now I’m homeless in Tokyo. This is the not-so perfect end to the chapter planned out for me by the higher power. Not-so bad neither.

Save me. I’m on the other side now.

[bluebuckstallion]

kinda ramble-y fic below the cut, includes a metric fuck-ton of angst, macdennis, teen au, drinking, and a Lot of implied abuse/trauma

summary: macs a rebellious 14 year old tht hates the rich, dennis is a dick that really just needs an outlet to share his feelings, theyre sad together

ok no offense but i just...really love the concept of like, teen mac & charlie crashing house parties. them sneaking out of the house together and their late night adventures quickly becoming a blur of adrenaline and laughter as they jus show up at random parties someone down the street is throwing. they show up undetected at the peak of the utter chaos that is teen rebellion, take a shitload of booze, and then ditch just as fast. they go by the train tracks after and get wasted together, drowning out the deafening reality that is their parents dont care enough to notice theyre not at home every night & that life isnt going so well. and for once they can be happy in each others company and have a taste of a childhood they deserved, even if they can only find it at the bottom of a bottle

one night mac goes off by himself, probably because charlie just hasnt been as up to going out. mac has no clue why, the only things charlie’s been sputtering about between drinks every night is his ‘son of a bitch of an uncle’ who moved back in recently. mac doesnt understand and charlie wont give him what he needs to understand it. so mac gives it no second thought. he spots this absolutely huge house in the suburbs. hes never seen something with architecture like this and hell sure as hell never understand how someone can afford so much room, or what its even used for. the yard is donned with blacked out kids he knows from his classes, and the inside of the house is filled with the melody of drunk kids slurring and laughing to party songs.

he decides this is it-this is the one place hell allow himself to go without his best friend. and hell definitely save booze for him. and he wont allow himself to feel guilty for it, he never does anything for himself anyways. he strides in with a nonchalant facade and his best ‘yes-i-definitely-belong-here’ smile from cheek to cheek, waving at classmates that never noticed him before and definitely wont now. which is the only advantage that comes from being the rat, one of the sore losers in the bullshit hierarchy that is high school popularity. nobody will notice when youre taking something right infront of them.

he makes it to the kitchen and finally pieces together who lives here-its the piece of shit he has half his classes with, the word snob as a person, someone he cant help but loathe for his gross elitism. its dennis reynolds. some kid thats really full of himself, someone who helped trademark ‘the rat’ and laughs at mac while hes down. he didnt really mind, its not like he was bullying charlie, and he was strong enough to take the half-assed insults this guy threw at him. it wasnt a big deal.

but here, now-he found dennis in the midst of his own party, alone in the kitchen, half-empty bottle of tequila in tow, and what looked like mascara trailing from his eyes. what a pussy is what he was about to say, but something stopped him. dennis looked at the other boy looming over him and flinched, covering his face instantly. mac was confused, what the hell was he doing that for? when dennis realized he was fine, he instantly tried to revert back to his cool guy defense mode. something compelled mac to crouch down next to him because, well geez, the poor kid was a mess.. and he felt like it humanized him. the urge to steal his things for a taste of a life he never had slowly died down as he said hello to the gracious party host himself. “why-are-you-here”s  were spit out instantly, because dennis didn’t remember inviting some dirty street rat to his party. mac gave a really half-assed excuse, which was all he needed to convince dennis he was supposed to be here, considering all his thoughts were mush from how out of it he was-he never had the opportunity to drink this much on account of his sister beating him to it, or his mom emptying everything after heated arguments with his dad. and although it annoyed him when she was drunk, it was better than falling asleep to the melody of fighting and the threat of an impending divorce.

but anyways, now mac is lost in his eyes and they’re both half a bottle of tequila down, and he isnt sure if hes holding his hand or just dreaming it. and oh god, his eyes are so beautiful and his lips are coated with strawberry chapstick and he wants to kiss them so bad, he wants to keep holding his hand for all of eternity but at the same time he wants to hold his face in his hands and wow he wants to kiss him so bad and to taste the strawberry chapstick and god, hes infatuated. he wants to wipe his tears away and to kiss his rosy cheeks and run his hands through his hair, so bad. and it hits him that hes too deep, what would charlie think of this? falling for the enemy? fuck. but that doesnt matter because all that matters now is the fact hes really hand in hand with someone hes fallen in love with, and all it took was talk of trauma and a bottle of tequila.

theyre no longer on the kitchen floor as theyre giggling hand in hand stumbling up the stairs, leaning on each other and shushing one another as they laugh too hard to smile right and their cheeks are flush and they arent sure if its the drinking or their company. theyre trying to be quiet as they close the door to the twins’ room and dennis tries to lock it with a shaky hand. mac watches him in utter jaw-dropping awe, feeling butterflies fill his stomach and suffocating any insecurity hed ever felt before. this was new to him. but dennis felt it even stronger. hed spent so long building up a wall, hed spent so long listening to his mothers vodka-fueled lectures about never letting yourself fall in love. barbara made him promise hed never do that to himself, it hurt too much she told him. but now he was sitting on the top bunk of his bed with what seemed to be the boy of his dreams, he didnt know he could ever feel this way or honestly feel anything at all, and he was too drunk to feel guilty for it.

hours pass and now mac is laying on his bare chest. dennis has his hands intertwined in his hair and hes taken away by how soft it is when he strokes it. macs never felt a wave of clarity envelop him so softly before. hes at peace. all the droning hum of party music is drowned out. all he can hear is the soft rhythm of their hearts and their cautious breathing, both scared that this still might not be real. macs heart flutters when he realizes dennis’ breathing gets faster as he moves his hand across his chest, and he looks up with half-slit puppy dog eyes that dennis is absolutely in love with. mac opens his mouth to speak, but changes his mind. he doesnt wanna jinx it, hes so scared he wont be able to impress cool kid dennis reynolds, and he doesnt wanna do anything to change this moment. he plays it safe. as he snuggles closer, dennis holds him and macs face is the warmest its ever been, and he buries it in the other boys chest. he doesnt know how to react to this, hes never known how to react to anything but especially nothing like this. his face is even warmer than macs and hes trying so hard to not let him know that he likes him because thats something his mom would be ashamed of. mac falls asleep on his chest, and dennis cant stop playing with his hair.

dennis wakes him up because he knows everything would be ruined if anyone found them together, especially his sister. god knows what she would do. and dennis tries to tell him he should leave, but the words choke him too much to come out when he sees macs adorable face glance up at him. and hes just too shy to say a word.

the next thing they know, dennis pulls him closer and theyre both kissing for the first time, and mac feels wrong. he wants to push him away and he knows he should feel absolutely horrible, he knows god would be disappointed in something like this and hes terrified of the consequences hell get. but he pushes the thoughts away and succumbs to the warmth that surrounds his body. dennis is holding him so gently and neither want to ever move again, and something compels them to stay together. the kiss is only broken by dennis’ nervous laughter, and a smile that he cant hide. and when the boys recollect themselves they start kissing again. they never went further than that, partially because they couldnt get it up this drunk and partially because they were too scared to ruin it, but it was still nice to fall asleep side by side, even if they didnt mean to

mac wakes up to the soft golden smile of the suns rays against the bed, and he vaguely remembers last night. panic sets in like it never has before. hes never stayed somewhere else this late before. what if charlie’s looking for him. what if whoever hes with didnt lock the door and someone saw him. and then he remembers who hes with, and hes terrified. what the hell did he do? he feels tears of shame well up because he knows hes a sinner in gods eyes and hes made the biggest mistake of his life, and oh fuck when he tried to get out from under the covers he woke dennis up. he isnt even half as shocked as mac is, hes calm. hes happy. hes never woke up so peacefully before, and hes grinning. he tries to tell mac good morning but hes rambling under his breath about how wrong this is and hes going to hell, and dennis takes that as a sign he shouldve taken his mothers advice. hes utterly crushed.

mac doesnt even apologize as he leaves, he slips on his boots and gets out as soon as he can despite the wavering tone in dennis’ protests and pleads to stay. he forgets his jacket during the rush. he leaves dennis confused and more scared of opening up than hes ever been, and he doesnt know how to deal with his feelings anymore. mac tries to forget everything. he never tells charlie. he doesnt ever want to look dennis in the eyes again. he never wants to feel that way again, because he went from feeling on top of the world to being ashamed and thinking he knows its wrong. he doesnt tell anyone.

[magdaclaire]

yo @ghostwheeze gave me permission to do this, so inspired by this post, here’s a monster i did not intend to be this long!

It's not something you can just bring up in conversation, you know? You're an immortal creature from hell - well, from Heaven, but also from Hell, from Earth as well, things are complicated - it's not a simple point to make. It helped that Shane had never been anyone's traditional idea of a demon, beginning with his name and ending with his laughter, his humor, his enjoyment of human life and all of its wonders. Nobody thinks that demons can make friends, can fall in love, can live and breathe and want to do all of these things and more. People don't think of demons and people like Shane Madej in the same breath, and that has always made it easy to hide.

Except, when it came to a young man called Ryan Bergara. As he is wont to, Shane is aging as normal this lifetime, planning to just cycle again when he gets too old for the humans he wants to take through life with him. He met Ryan when this life was twenty six years old, and Ryan Bergara was twenty two for the first time ever, and he was enough of a sunshine boy that parts of Shane wondered if he were an angel. With the curious edge of him, though, Ryan Bergara couldn't be. It's because of that curious edge, however, that Ryan did find out that his best friend was a demon.

It was anti-climactic really. Ryan walking into the wrong room of a haunted house at the wrong time, seeing Shane talking to another demon, negotiating Ryan's safety. No one was hurt, except Shane's reputation as a normal human being. Ryan was understandably confused, blew up at Shane a little as he was wont to do anyway, but ultimately decided he wanted Shane to stay. Shane doesn't tell him that he would have left if Ryan asked him to, would have remade himself all over again, left everyone behind at the smallest whim of Ryan Bergara. But demons don't have feelings right?

Anyway, after finding out, Ryan began his quest of being as much of a little shit about it as possible. Without Shane's own manipulation, his phone's ringtone changes from the basic unto Carry On My Wayward Son unto the Buffy the Vampire Slayer theme song, unto the Catharsis of Suffering and onto other supernaturally themed songs of Ryan's ultimate choosing. Shane never should have given Ryan his phone's password, but he doesn't have the heart to change it now; without the songs, he doesn't know that he would always be sure that Ryan accepts the worst parts of him.

Ryan gets a particular kick out of surprising Shane into using any of his demonic powers, though he only does it when he's sure no one will see. He'll jump off of the top of the stairs onto Shane so that Shane will have to use his strength, throw random things at Shane to see his agility, and what have you. Shane doesn't understand the fascination, but he doesn't mind feeding into the most innocent of Ryan's little jokes, seeing as he was expecting much worse if the younger man ever found out. Speaking of the devil - that's not a good pun.

"Hey Shane, think fast!" Ryan calls as he jumps from the balcony, directly into Shane's arms. They're at a haunted location, but the cameras aren't on yet - their camera crew was delayed by traffic when they took a different route. Shane looks at the man in his arms for a solid second before putting him down, watching the blush that bloomed over Ryan's cheeks. It's a good look on him, but Shane doesn't comment for fear of what Ryan could say in return; he can't afford to give Ryan more than one reason to push him away, and he can't take back the demon thing.

"You know, I barely use my supernatural strength to catch you when you do that - you're a very tiny man, Ryan Bergara," Shane jokes, and he is immediately rewarded with a growl, and a swat at his chest. The joke distracts from the tight atmosphere that pervades them even though they're still outside, and Shane wants to joke some more, but he can't think of anything to say with Ryan standing so close.

"It's not my fault that collecting souls apparently makes you taller," Ryan mutters, and Shane clicks his tongue on reflex. It's a common joke that the other makes, but it always rubs him a little wrong. It's such a common demon misconception that he doesn't want Ryan to be the one to make it, Ryan who knows so many things about the workings of the Underworld, even if he doesn't realise all of them are factual.

"That's not even what I do, you shithead," Shane replies, bumping his shoulder into Ryan's and purposefully not looking him in the face. Telling Ryan what he does as a demon will make it real, and maybe Ryan won't even want him around anymore - god, Shane's gotten used to the idea that he can stay, like he's some sort of stray dog that Ryan has taken in out of the good of his heart. Hell, maybe he is. Maybe he's more animal than human. Shane heads off that crazy train before it can go any further, just in time to listen to Ryan's response.

"What do you do? Like, as a demon, not as a ghost buster," Ryan asks, and neither of them speak the irony of Shane being a ghost buster or hunter or whatever in the first place. Shane sighs, and thinks of how to put it into words.

"I... tempt humans into the way of sin," Shane explains, choosing carefully. He doesn't want to call himself an incubus of any kind, but he's technically supposed to tempt humans into romantic or sexual sins - he hasn't done it in a while, but it's what he's supposed to do.

"So, if I wanted to kiss you right now, would you be doing your job?" Ryan asks, the picture of nonchalance, but Shane, who doesn't strictly need to breathe, may just hyperventilate right here. Ryan finally looks over to make eye contact with him, and seems to realise the impact of his words. "Not! Not that I want to - want to kiss you or anything. Yeah. Totally no," Ryan says, and Shane suddenly has to hold himself back from rolling his eyes. The humor of it all calms his nerves, and he summons a smile like a lesser demon.

"You sure about that? You don't sound too sure about that," Shane teases, because collecting himself is so much easier when Ryan is flustered. He's so pretty to look at with a blush that it's easier to think, and blush he does. Ryan doesn't nod or shake his head or anything like Shane thought he might, instead turning to face Shane directly. The suddenness of it is enough to throw Shane off kilter, making him no longer feel like the confident one between the two of them.

"I think I might not be sure about that, Shane. What about you?" There's a fierce determination to his eyes that makes Shane both falter and feel like he's being slowly set on fire, a strange amalgamation of joy and pain.

"Well, as for me, I don't think I would be doing my job. Can't afford to mix business and pleasure," Shane says, because he doesn't know how to string together enough words to make this make sense for himself, let alone anyone else. He's wanted to kiss Ryan for years, but the idea of getting to do it now is... revolutionary.

"Stop being a shithead for a second and actually kiss me, Shane," Ryan growls, holding onto the lapels of his jacket and pulling Shane's face down to his level. He didn't move first, though. Shane swallows loud enough to hear, and leans even closer.

"Yeah, okay," Shane replies, and does exactly as Ryan told him to.

[survivormykonos]

Episode #1: “everyone knows I’m here for the drama™️” ~Robbie

First impressions these people are basic players who wont have very big personalities, and not willing to put a lot of effort into this game. Hopefully thats not the case and its just late so no one is really wide awake :) Because I came to play and I hope thats what everyone else came here to do as well 

Okay so my plan basically worked, winning the first reward competition by placing a good score has opened up one of many avenues to come. Ryan, and Zeezo want to work with me (bad choice for them since I will be winning this aka taking them out eventually but oh well)

Him hitting it off really well with this tribe they are all so friendly and welcoming, Ain is my main homegirl at the moment she is the best and jared is a nice friendly face so it should be interesting to see what the coming days are like.

so not 30 minutes in and meowth comes out with the question "what if someones racist" which to me carried an air of accusation it was public and clearly meant for all to see it just gives me a bit of an icky feeling towards meowth

I'm glad that others are getting higher scores than me because i definitely don't want to be presenting as a threat in challenges particularity not the first day so i just am hoping that ill land middle of the pack challenge wise

so this immunity is fun i love puzzles like these even though they are hard tbh im not completly happy about our chances but i hope we can push through and win or the other tribes internet fucks up, either or really

so right now the vote seems to be between Robbie and Mewoth (Josh) and tbh i dont care which goes because they havent spoken to me but whatever, in any case id rather keep someone who actually contributed to the challenge and if he doesn't step it up then Josh will be gone next

Going into tribal council i am very nervous, you never know where the vote is until the votes are read and if im on the wrong side of the vote i might not be around much longer

I dont know whats gonna go down here but i hope i do well

reunited with lukas my love

she sells seashells at the seashore

why is the first vote already so confusing and wild.... just decide on a person

WHATS UPPPP!!! Can’t say much because I’m busy but I’m stoked!!! Only two other girls on my team tho :/ but it’s ok! I have Stephen who I know but I’ll get into all that later and I have lukas and Sammy on the other tribe who I LOVE TO DEATH but obviously can’t tell anyone that. Ain is on the other side who I hate but I just hope she gets voted out and we never have to interact :’)

Honestly, living my best life and enjoying the brief small talk with my tribe mates. So far getting a good vibe from everyone but lets be real, shit (I can curse right... I lowkey have always wanted to say that) is definitely going to go down as soon as something goes wrong. But like *shrug*. 

OK LET'S TALK ABOUT THAT TIME THAT I DIDNT WANT TO GRAB THE LIGHT AND SHINE IT ON ME AND WE WIN FIRST IMMUNITY AND I GET SENT TO PARADISE ISLAND!!!!!!!!! Yeah, because like, screw the idea of trying to lay a tad low for the first vote. But hey, I guess when you are working with Zeezo and she tells you the immunity boxes must be evens because of the clue she got, and then you get sent to PI, it can't be all that bad. I'm so shook I don't even know if I'm making sentences rn hahaha. I hate saying this, but like I am so happy with where I am rn, but I def know there is so much more work to put in before my tribe ends up going to tribal. AND SPEAKING OF TRIBES, WHET ON EARTH? Two abstains in the reward and then a tie and only two points in the immunity challenge for Yalos? Did they also think they were cast in ANTM because like same. We've all been there, amiright? Can they continue to do this so I can just breeze my way to merge and start playing this game already??? Please and thank you. 

When I wake up and realize I have so much work to do for school but at least I don't have to worry about going to tribal tonight! I aint mad! At least Im not gonna be the Francesca of this season soooooooo..... 

So... ya boy just beat Jared in a word search comp... and beat him... and went to Super Paradise Island... and idk which greek god is on my side, but one them has ya boy's back because he just the sapphire gem... Like no big deal... I didn't expect to be the first voted out and then just somehow came across getting one of the first big advantages of the game... WE ARE ALL FINE GUYS!!!

I have Oakley, who voted me out on Athena: Himalayas and Olivia, who I voted out on Atomic: Isle of Skye on my tribe. And my immediate thought is I want to work with them. Olivia more than Oakley, I don’t have any beef with him from another season but he is sneaky. However my strategy especially at this point in the game is just make lersonal connections and pretend to have the strategic knowledge of a goldfish. Here’s hoping it works.

So far I’ve talked to most people but some are easier to connect to than others, Joanna seems the most distant, she responds but it doesn’t feel friendly. But we won, so we’re all good this round. I really hope Ain goes home, shes manipulative, vindictive and isn’t afraid to use underhanded tactics.

WOAH! So after being recommended to play by a friend, I found out he ALSO recommended Miles to play, although in the other tribe.. I have someone I know here although I kinda got them eliminated in a Twitter Survivor... Hmmm... So far in Kalafati tribe, Im liking Miles and Joanna, Haven't had much contact with the others but they seem really cool. Im so excited to play, Especially with winning a lucky hidden immunity Idol

I’m still waving the flag

I’m still waving the flag I hate that challenge. I got a respectable score but if i did all that just to have the Yalos player stop after a low score, I'll be sad

My first impressions of the tribe is pretty positive! No immediate negative figures jump out at me. I'm still testing the waters, trying to figure out if any people are potentials for alliance members. Some people like Olivia, Jacob, Miles, Stephen and Thomas have reached out to me which makes them seem like good potentials for friends. However, I want to see how the reward challenge goes before I can evaluate my teammates further. 

It's amazing that we won the reward challenge and I'm so happy that I performed as well as I did. However, I am worried about the immunity challenge. I'm happy with the flash game, but the controls are really wacky and I already know it will take forever to get used to.

I'm honestly a little worried seeing that I didn't preform very well in the immunity challenge. Thankfully, we still managed to pull off a win and we didn't have to worry about tribal. Speaking of tribal, I don't think there is anyway Robbie is going to stay, seeing that he abstained in the reward and striked in the immunity. Also, I feel like I want to work with Olivia, but Miles also seems like a good person to work with, but I haven't approached either of them yet. Still weighing my options and figuring out the best way to proceed. 

Honestly it doesn’t seem like anyone is playing hard yet which is annoying me. Because I want to play hard, but if no one else is people can get sketched out by highly strategic, social players

Honestly if I finess this vote and stay in the game after forfeiting two comps it will be hilarious. But everyone knows I’m here for the drama™️ Hope no one gets blind sided

So the first night went..... alright. My tribe wasn’t as energetic or as talkitive as I had expected. It appears as though I am on a tribe with all gay men, which sounds nice in theory, but I’m bracing for the moment these twinks start wildin. Aside from the gays, I know Ain from a past org and am starting to warm back up to her. We will probs stick together for awhile. As of now, that’s all. 

Robbie, queen of being inactive and making cases to stay last minute, came to me with the idea of booting Meowth instead. I said hell yeah! All for that shit! Not that I don’t like Meowth, it’s just I would love to do something unexpected for the first tribal. However, Sammy and Michael seem to be so against it for some reason. Lord knows why. I’m going to aim to be in the majority, but I may just cast my vote for Meowth for the hell of it. 

Ok I don’t quite remember what my last confessional was but I know for a fact I fucked up the names. Robbie is the one on the line, Sammy is just another gay. I swap their names all of the time. 

I really like this tribe so far! Everyone seems pretty chill and it's nice to know that at the moment, nobody is really mean-spirited. I know that Jacob has some past with the other Miles, but he's on the other tribe, so there's really no past relationships to deal with either, at least that I know of! I think that by far, I'd probably like to align with Olivia and Joanna for sure, and maybe Stephen, Zeezo,  Oakley, and Julian as well? I'd rather not get into scheming this early! I think it'd be much better for my game at the moment not to be the leader or figurehead of a group, but rather an updated member. I guess I'll have to see!

Alright so... Not a whole lot is going on, it's just the start of the game, we're just doing the first reward challenge. This tribe is just a bit too large for my taste but whatever, I'll manage. Getting to know all these people is interesting, which is funny because the absolute LAST word I would use to describe myself is "interesting"

I'm not entirely sure what use one would have for a fire making kit in an online survivor. Am I meant to set my laptop on fire? ARE YOU TRYING TO TELL ME SOMETHING????????? lmao...

There's a few people that I'm getting great vibes from. Miles would probably be the biggest one rn. I would love nothing more than to get some sort of alliance going sooner rather than later JUST IN CASE but like I don't want to be the one to actively go out and do it because if someone leaks RIP ME. Idk what I'm doing just yet. We'll figure this out.

We won the first immunity and don't have to vote anyone out, that's awesome. I can't help but feel just a little concerned though, everyone's almost a little TOO peaceful on this tribe. I'm not saying I'd want to LOSE a comp and have to face tribal but the reads I'm getting from everyone is giving me a sense of unease. I do enjoy winning though and wouldn't mind winning out. I'm just saying, I feel very uneasy with the vibes I'm receiving. Good lord I just repeated myself there. Oh well.

I really like this tribe so far! Everyone seems pretty chill and it's nice to know that at the moment, nobody is really mean-spirited. I know that Jacob has some past with the other Miles, but he's on the other tribe, so there's really no past relationships to deal with either, at least that I know of! I think that by far, I'd probably like to align with Olivia and Joanna for sure, and maybe Stephen, Zeezo,  Oakley, and Julian as well? I'd rather not get into scheming this early! I think it'd be much better for my game at the moment not to be the leader or figurehead of a group, but rather an updated member. I guess I'll have to see!

I think I'm pretty safe after this immunity challenge. I was one of 2 people to win the head to head for my tribe and therefore I have a chance to go to Paradise Island! I'm trying my best NOT to go though because I think that would put a target on my back very early on.

Right now my closest ally is Matt and I feel that we have a strong bond. We're each other's #1's and talking back and forth over who should go tonight. I'm very torn for who I'm voting for at tribal tonight, it's either Meowth (Josh) or Robbie. I've heard that Robbie may have gotten the majority but I don't feel 100% on wanting him still in the game. Yes, Meowth is weak in challenges but he's another easy vote moving forward in the future.

So, what's been going for me so far?  Well, reward challenge I busted my ass and showed what I can do, which was great!  WE lost, which sucks, and 2 people didn't submit.  Those 2 were Miles and Robbie.  This made me upset, mostly because Miles I know from my Minecraft UHC days, so we made an instant alliance from that.  Robbie I didn't care about.  Then came immunity, where once again, Robbie was unable to compete, and I still stand by that I was robbed in my challenge because of a shit quality image, but this is what I'm used to from online games like this, so I'll move on (eventually).  We got rekt in immunity, and the obvious choice was looking like Robbie for not submitting twice.  So, being the intelligent player I am, I basically pitched to Robbie that he was going home unless he made a better pitch about someone else.  He aimed at Michael, someone who I somewhat wanted to work with at the time (in hind sight, I wouldn't have cared much).  I proposed, instead, we vote for meowth (Joshua) because he just rubbed me the wrong way, under-performed, and refused to talk game strategy with me at all.  I pulled in Lukas and Jared, as well as had Ain in my pocket, and with the acquiring of Sammy by both me and Robbie, the vote should be set in our favor.  I'm still trying to convince Miles to roll with us so he's not on the losing end of the vote, but I think its 50/50 whether he will or won't.  Honestly, I feel pretty safe with this vote, being that I was a top performer and have shown how active I strive to be in these games.  I'm not super worried about this vote and hope that Robbie sticks around.  Hopefully, he becomes a powerful player and a big help in challenges.  If he's not, he'll go next for sure.  Let's hope I don't live to regret these words!

I think I’m in a pretty safe spot right now, but we def have people who think they are running the show around here...SIT DOWN or else you’ll become a target early😉 but I like everyone just don’t know who we should keep...someone who hasn’t been active or someone who tries but does not communicate. Eh either way I’m not on the chopping block sooooo. Okay wow that sounds rude but um i like everyone:) yikes

Honestly, this is a fung ame and a fun set of people. Just hope my time here isn't too short.

So far I feel pretty good about my tribe even though there a couple people I forgot to ever talk to oops. We seem to be good at challenges and get along well. I've connected most with Ryan so far and told him my idol clue to gain his trust. He's told me he trusts me the most out of anyone so that's good. After we talked we decided to pull in a 3rd and settled with Thomas since he got the best score in the reward challenge. After consulting with Ryan I decided to share my clue with Thomas too and the 3 of us officially performed an alliance. I think with this alliance my goal is to think more long term. Thomas is probabaly going to on Tinder performing well at challenges and be a shield for me. He also doesn't seem to talk to a lot of other people. Meanwhile Ryan seems like the type of person who might play too hard so he could be another shield. Plus we get along really well so far so that's good :') We might pull in a 4th for the alliance later since Thomas is kind of inactive and Ryan suggested Stephen so I'm interested to see how that will pan out. In other news Ryan got sent to paradise island and got the sapphire gem thing so that's great :') So if one of us finds the idol we should have great power in the game so I'm looking forward to the rest of the game 

Nothing is going really because we have been on a winning streak and have been crushing it. I knew Stephen from a previous game and we agreed to work together. He is not being extremely subtle about it but I think he wants to work with Olivia because he has mentioned her a lot and how he likes her. I don't mind that because I do like her but I am worried about the two of them being closer to each other than to me because I know they know each other. I am really liking Ryan as well and would like to work with him. I am worried I am not being as social as I should be because I do notice that I don't talk to as many people as I would like. Miles I have talked to a bit but haven't built much of a relationship with him and everyone else I have said hi to and talked to a bit but I haven't really built anything or know anything about them. I just hope we can win long enough for me to build those relationships because I am worried that I am one of the two people to lose my round in the immunity challenge.

[searching4paradise23]

July 10,2020

Sorry I never finished elaborating on my ex boyfriend, but now I;m forced to give a bit of a summary because this story pertains to him. 

     We met at a party but didn’t start talking until months later when me and my then husband decided to go our separate ways. First two months were awesome, even took me to six flags and booked a pretty luxurious hotel for us during fourth of July weekend and it basically was the best time ever. A week after that weekend, we went out of a friend’s birthday and since no one knew we were dating, he got extremely upset that I was going around our group of friends and talking to everyone as to not show favoritism. This led to him having a meltdown where he tried to drag me out of the club to go home. Later he called stating he got out of an uber and was thinking of jumping off the highway bridge. Fast forward a bit into that night where he ended up hospitalized and when I went in to see him, he said he had zero respect for me and that everything that happened was my fault and topped it off by spitting on me. Later on throughout the relationship (yes I stayed, I know) things were pretty chill except I would get the occasional comment about why don’t I dress differently or “If you don’t do this for me, then I’ll call my other girlfriend to do it” type of comments. Those always left me feeling terrible about myself to the point that I contemplated suicide one day because I felt as I can never make a relationship work. One day after about six months in, I found out that he was snooping through my phone to see if I was texting anyone or looking for a way out of the relationship. This prompted me to snoop and I found out he was talking to some girl for about three months. This led to a huge argument and I was trying to kick him out of the house but somehow he talked me into not breaking up. This phase didn’t last long because he started making more and more comments about my appearance or my actions, specially calling me a terrible mother. One day back in March, he started to openly speak ill in regards to the father of my child and I fought back because NOBODY speaks ill about the father of my child. SPECIALLY after her dad was soo accommodating when it came to shifting our visitation schedules due to emergencies or trips he always suggested. That night ended with him putting a loaded gun to his head in my closet and me having to talk him out of doing anything, then me taking apart the gun and hiding pieces around my house. All of this happened while my then 2 year old was asleep in her room. Safe to say, a restraining order came into play and well I thought that was it.

WRONG!!!!!!!!!!

   My dumbass texted him a month into the restraining order because I was having an issue with my car tires and I wanted to see if he remembered which ones I recently bought. One thing led to another and we were hanging out in secret. A ton of emotions flooded me because I was feeling so good while we were separated and I though I was grown enough to handle bullshit and help him out. The arguing started up again, this time it was more like on a weekly basis and I do have to take responsibility because most of the shit started because I though I still cared for him romantically but I actually didn’t so I kept kinda breaking his heart until he legit broke. After me explaining and apologizing time and time again and stating that I think it’s better if we just never talk to each other, the switch in his brain got set to revenge. He wanted me to feel as shitty as he did so he would threaten me saying that he would tell m kid’s dad that him and I are talking so that way my ex could take full custody. He would force me to hang out when I really didn’t want to and would throw a huge fit when I said I didn’t want to be intimate.  

      Point is, we kept going back and forth being nice and cordial to him throwing a tantrum because I wouldn’t act as I was in love with him. But July 10th....went to a different level...

      The plan for that day was that I was to go to his place to eat, play the switch, shave some body hair in prep for our massages the next day, and just take it easy. I knew something bad was going to happen the minute I walked in because he forcefully grabbed me and kissed me. After that awkward entrance, I pretended to act as if it didn’t bother me and we talked about our work life. We ordered food and were about to go and pick it up when he said he heard a rumor that I was sleeping around with my coworkers and said “you can say whatever you want about what I heard, I wont believe you.” So please, anyone tell me, how would you react if you hear such accusations and then are told that whatever you say it’s a lie. So I got upset and said that those rumors are false and I can’t believe he would say that out of nowhere and assume it was true. So in true me fashion I tried to keep quiet as to not make matters worse. We got n the car to go pick up food and he was purposefully driving like a maniac to scare me. He wouldn’t listen to anything I had to say and while he was getting angrier he kept saying it was all MY fault. I didn’t want to stay quiet after hearing that and that was when he lost complete control.

      We were five minutes away from his apartment and he’s still yelling at me and out of nowhere, he punched me straight on my jaw. Immediately I froze and started to tear up. I never thought I could break someone to this point. All I could think of was of him saying how much he loved me but yet he straight up punched me in the face. Keep in mind, I’m 5′1 and 130 pounds, hes 5′10 and about 185 who lifts a decent amount so that punch was rough. We pulled up to the parking lot and he kept yelling and I didn’t want to cause a scene so I said lets just go inside and started to get out of the car when he grabbed my arm and dragged me back into the car, hitting my head on the car on the way in. I was scared at this point. I had to make a choice, either I stay quiet and not do anything and just see what happens, or do I try and fight back in some way shape or form the next time he goes for a hit just in case it escalates to the point where a coroner is in there determining time of death, they can at least say I died fighting for my life. So we’re inside eating and I’m not eating as much because my face hurts from getting punched and it hurt to chew. To be 100% honest, I don’t remember exactly what our exchange of words were. It might have been something along the lines of me saying that I don’t ever want to be in a relationship with him and that I do not love him , but that was enough for him to slap me..repeatedly. Then I kept saying how I wanted to just leave before things got worse, so he hid my car keys and my phone. This made me mad so I repeated my statement on how I don’t love him and I would rather be at home. That is when he first started to choke me....

     I always knew that strangling someone takes a ton of time and effort so its usually committed by a very passionate person. He was feeling extremely passionate that day because I have never feared for my life before. I can still remember the feeling of him grabbing my throat and squeezing until I could barely move. Obviously, I freaked and started asking why tf would he do this if he claims to love me. His reason is because I’ve hurt him so many times and he couldn’t contain his anger anymore so he wanted to take it out. After that answer, I knew I needed to leave so I walked out and tried to get away as fast as possible but I wasn’t successful and he got me back. I was so scared and mentally prepared to fight back that at one point I said I started feeling repulsed by him after the last time I stayed the night and I said I didn’t want to have ex, yet as I was falling asleep, he grabbed me and decided he would take care of his business anyways. Yup....so because I called him out on it, ie called him a rapist, that led to another, longer rampage. This time started by him cutting up my sweatshirt, then he pushed me on the bed and was commanding me to get him ready for sex. Since I refused, he grabbed me, pushed and pulled me against the walls and when I eventually landed on the floor, he climbed on me and started choking me again. This time harder and longer. and when he let me go, the first thing I said was “now your a rapist and a woman beater, good job expanding your resume”. He then grabbed some scissors, cut up my shirt, then stepped on my abdomen instead of stepping around me, oh yeah then he wanted to show me what a “real rapist” would do. We wrestled and he managed to pull my pants down to my ankles, he then grabbed by underwear and ripped it off of me. He was clearly doing everything as a power move so I knew he wasn’t going to try and penetrate me, but I was wrong. Instead he let his hands do the work. I was mortified. 

      He then tossed me back on his bed and I desperately tried to cover myself so I didn’t feel so exposed. Instead he pinned me down, spread my shirt wide open and talked about how disgusting I am. Again, this is coming from someone who “loves me”. He kinda calmed down after that but I kept demanding for my stuff so I could just leave and so things wouldn’t continue to escalate. But that wasn’t the case. I noticed that he choked me so hard that I was bruising. All  could say to myself at that moment was that I need to fight, I need to yell, I need to run or else next time it just won’t be a bruise. I tried to manged to thread a lil lighter, but still demand that I would be let out because this was excessive. He then would push me into the bath tub and turn the water on and demanded I’d shower under his supervision. I stood my ground and said no until he left me alone for a few seconds. I could tell he was exhausted but was still upset and all I wanted was to find my car keys and go home. Point it, similar events repeated, mostly it was more grabbing and throwing and slapping. At one point he was begging me to hit him, and I refused. After a couple of attempts to grab a phone and lock myself in a bathroom failed, he choked me again and said next time, he would grab a knife. After some negotiation, he let me go into a bathroom to pee and i locked the doors against his wishes. He broke into one of the doors with a knife in his hand. I was petrified and told myself that I had to make a run for it. He was sitting there and I said I would take a shower in that bathroom, but i needed my toiletry bag. He didn’t follow me out so I casually grabbed my wallet (since its all I could find) and ran out the door as fast as I could. I didn’t go too far because I figured he would find me if I was walking the streets, so i hid behind a stairwell. After I stood there for about 10 minutes, I knew I had to find a way to contact someone. I was too afraid to go knocking on random people’s doors because we’ve all heard stories about people who pretend theyre hurt and then rob you. Instead I sat on the stairs on the second floor until a female tenant walked out and asked if I was okay. I told her I was hiding from someone and she kindly let me in and helped me calm down and bandaged a couple of wounds I didn’t know I had. We talked for a good 30 minutes or so until I decided to call my own phone to be able to get my stuff back. She said I could go,and gave me a taser on my way out.

     Once I went back to his place, he was completely enraged because he had been looking everywhere for me and I just demanded to get my stuff back. He refused and I was so sick of everything that the minute he turned his back to me, i tased him and he barely reacted....that scared me soo much because I knew he could easily over power me and take it. Which he did. He tased my arm and my neck....

I think that was the last of the physical abuse. We calmed down enough to where he gave my stuff back and I went home to try and feel safer. 

[erikadreamsblog]

Last Night

Out of all four dreams i had last night, the first one was profound, and when i woke up in the middle of the night i was excited about it, but then by the time i woke up in the morning hours later, and three dreams later, i had forgotten it.

One dream from last night was another reoccurring Controlling man dream. Once again, as i have discussed in the previous post, there was a controlling man. I wanted to kiss him, but he would not let me. He had beautiful lips, 

He was strange in stature, cant really describe it, because i was floating in the air in front/above him so i do not remember exactly how tall he was. couldn't tell from where i was.He had brown hair and a beard, but from my angle ( floating in the air above him looking down) he seemed bulky, built?

I didn't assume he was any man i knew, and even now i wont assume he was any man i know- as i’ve discussed before i am moving past that frame of thought.

However, in this dream it was very clear he was not me. As i had stated in a previous dream how i assumed the controlling man may have been my ego personified into a masculine man. Why? because in this dream, my egoic me actually was in it too. 

So let me explain the dream:

I literally was sucked feet first through a child’s tube that you slide through but all the walls are pressed up against you as you slide through it. Strange. Btw i Willingly went through that. I knew that on the other end of the tube was my destination.

As i popped out of the end, into a cavern of stone and water, the controlling man was there, and i was so happy and in love. It was a strange feeling because it was like i was happy and he wasn't, i was in love and he was looking for proof.

So i came out of the end of the tube, i was floating in the air above him, and i bend my face down to kiss his lips, and as i did so, right before i could touch them, i was grabbed.

I was grabbed by a gray and black version of myself, really pale and scary looking. Pretty much the girl from The Ring. However, she was scary only to look at, her heart was pure. The controlling man said something and the Dark version of myself (who was also floating) grabbed me and pulled me away from him. 

The controlling man had instructed her to drown me, in a sense. Like how in the mafia they might hold your head under water to get information. That is what he wanted done to me. I was confused, and i looked at him as such because i loved him. 

And as i was being pulled away by the dark version of me, she said into my ear (only audible for me and her to hear), “ i am sorry, i will not do it too hard”

I tried to look at her face, but it was covered by black hair (like in The Ring, exact copy except it was me). and she did exactly as she said

We were in a cavern underground, with a river running through it in many directions, and she held my head under water.

Barely enough, and brought me up again, and down again. I thrashed and choked. I felt as though i was fine the whole time, and yet scared. It seemed her words had comforted me, and that maybe i wasn't being as abused as i thought. I feel as though i might have also added to the dramatics at one point thrashing around with my head under water. 

Then i was yanked up out of the water by, i assumed my dark version however she and i lay on the stone wet (perhaps it was the controlling man?) The controlling man was yelling, perhaps he had had enough. Perhaps he may have actually felt for me, i don’t know. I didn’t hear what was going on, but i saw he had gotten closer.

I woke up after that. 

My Thoughts: 

Last post we established my process of creating this “controlling man” as my ego personified into a masculine man. Ego is materialism, it is everything in the 3D world that wants you to consume, and it isn't loving at all. It is the personification of want, need, and entitlement.

but in this dream, my ego was clearly personified, and she looked just like me, just dark, sad, scary, and truthfully she was loving and sorry. She was sorry for what she had to do and she did it anyway, and in a way that was loving. Like a deer hunter who believes that when they shoot down a doe they must watch the life leave its eyes as a sign of respect. It is loving and yet it still kills.

my ego version seemed to be a slave of the controlling man.

 I feel as though once again i am being pushed to see who the man is and why he is in my mind, and why he is coming after me in every dream.

if it is not me, perhaps it is something else in my life that i feel is coming after me. and if not, i feel it could be someone i know, but then it still wouldn’t make sense on why he is coming after me in my dreams.

perhaps it is just my own drives, i feel like my love for a man has controlled me. that makes sense. sometimes we love people so deeply and as i’ve stated in multiple posts, i am deeply in love with a man.

i think i am going to look at it in that aspect for now, unless more information becomes revealed in my next dreams. As i thought it was one thing, my dream showed me it was not, so now i will assume it is another  and see what happens.

 Next time should i become coherent in my own dream i will ask the man why he comes after me. Let my unconscious speak to me plainly. I have done it before, but it’s rare that i become coherent in the middle of the dream but not impossible.

 i am always able to recognize who the men in my dream are,  if i know them or not. Unless i don’t recognize them (such as this man who has come to my dreams before), which i explained before how i concluded who they might be. But above all, i know that if i am in love with the man in my dream, then the reality is its probably the same man i love in real life. But now the question is, what is this dream telling me. why is my unconscious showing me the man i love as a controlling man? in this post i have decided that it is because perhaps my love for him, has controlled me. That my love for him must be released. Why does my ego version listen to him. that question is easy. Ego personified, as i stated before is want and need. My ego, wants and needs him therefore she listens to him implicitly. Me, who i really am in my heart beyond my ego, also is deeply in love with him. but this version of Me who loves him beyond ego, does so without want and need. Me as i truly am, loves him just as he is, for the loving and beautiful man that he is. That is the difference between my ego and me.

my unconscious perhaps was merely showing me, the version i need to be, not the ego that wants, but the me that simply loves unconditionally without exception.

I feel as though thats where i am at for this man that i love, but this dream showed quite clearly the basis between want/need, and true unconditional love. I feel as though i needed to see that to move forward in life. i’m sure nobody see’s this blog but the reality is, is the man i love is no longer in my life. He left quite some time ago, and perhaps he was never really in it. this dream was just showing me not to let the controlling man, control me any longer. 

if this was what i was supposed to learn about the controlling man in its entirety, then i am sure i will never dream of the controlling man again. 

[letaleoanswerit]

SIGNS at THEIR DARKEST MOMENTS:

Aries: Oh if you ever mess with them they will roast you alive, and they will turn everyone else around you into enemies. Even the kindest people have their hurricanes and shit. Your blood will stain her lips into a beautiful shade of red for all to see. Taurus: Have you ever wonder why they eat a lot sleep a lot? Yeah maybe its their hobbies, but people who know them well see that theyre constantly stressed. Their friends consult them for advice and dont take them, and Taurus has to see them walking the route to eternal damnation. Taurus is tired of society"s expectations, because if they dont like the game they change the rules. Gemini: Make jokes out of their misery, because no one takes them seriously when they are down. Constantly bored and in search of life but they really just need people to talk to. Theyre conversationalists amongst the zodiac, its what they do best. Maybe its time for you to thrash things out with them if they start avoiding you. Cancer: Their eyes reveal a lot. If theyre angry they flash daggers at you if theyre happy you can see rainbows and cupcakes jk maybe. They are truly innocent, and the kind of people who will apologise to you when you are angry, even when they didnt anger you. When you make them cry, you will look like the biggest jerk in history. Leo: This sunshine zodiac loves you like hell, yet theyre living a life in hell. Constantly feeling insecure and wishes to please everyone around them, living their lives according to peoples standards this and that and blah blah. Whatever they do its never good enough for you, because you dont deserve them. Search it up: Pseudo Personality Disorder. Virgo: Tries to make everyone happy, but then there are jerks who will up and be mean to them for no reason. Dont usually talk about themselves even though they always ask about your day. At the end of the day it makes you wonder if you really know them as a friend or etc. They are not waiting for people to ask them or anything, they just want to move on. If verbal communication doesnt work, just sit beside them quietly and wait till they speak up. Libra: This sign always tries to bring people together. In fights, they will slay you with class you will see sparks on their lips. Every. Argument. Is. Reasonable. And everything is your fault. You didnt appreciate what they do for you, you didnt stand up for them, you werent by their side when their world is crashing down around them and they still love you. Scorpio: Cold on the outside, sweeter on the inside. I know sometimes they take things too hard, but thats because they saw how cruel the real world is, and how helpless they are. Extremely talented and analytical, but their hearts are soft. A heartbreak will wreck them internally, so before i haunt your golden ass down dont you ever ever destroy scorpios. Sagittarius: If theyre pissed they will walk away. Cause nobody will understand or give in anyways so they had to be the bigger person. They will make you look dumb for doubting them, because cmon Sagittarius are mostly right about things. Dont half-ass their feelings, effort and time. They will knock you down at your most unexpected times and carve diamonds from your bones honey. Capricorn: Reserved like Scorpios, but very self sacrificing. You wont know whether theyre suffering or blissful they dont reveal it on their poker faces. They hide themselves away from others for a good long period of time, considering their options,and dont really talk to others about their problems. They dont want you to worry about them because they love you. They know people judge a capricorn because they dont understand. Aquarius: They dont have enemies. Because....all of them are dead. They dont speak up like Aries, Leo, and Taurus but they will hate you forever. Aquarius is the wisest sign and they are the antibullshit detector, so you dont stand a chance to get close to them and break them. If you are good if you are bad they will remember you for centuries. Forgiving yes yes...over their dead body. Pisces: Always misunderstood as crybabies, this sign is secretly savage and they will let you know when you cross them. Their tears will drown you and i hope you do because they kept giving you chances to change and you dont. They are not going to stay forever and find out, but they are gonna block you like a lego then make a fairytale story out of you. Bam. Wow got a lil emotional and figurative there, but hope you dont mind. Cherish the signs and have a nice day. Cx