#not even gonna have any social interactions this weekend i just wanna study. and watch movies. and pamper myself

[stuckinapril]

Not me literally feeling sad bc I have to go somewhere for the next few hours but I wanna be home studying

[miss-lady-uhane]

Off My Chest Pt.1

I don't see what's so hard about being in a relationship. You are born in to a group of relationships. Your parents, maybe siblings, aunts, uncles, or cousins?

Then immediately you're expected to create more relationships and this time it's with strangers. You're told at a you age to treat others how you want to be treated but who's to say that others will treat you the way you treat them. It's totally uncertain how a person will react to you since not everyone gets along even for the most simple of reasons.

When I was in elementary school I always had the weirdest time making friends and I think it's because no one else was going through what I was going through. At that time I was too young to connect those dots because I didn't even really know what I was going through. I always hung out with my cousin patsy when we weren't in school, mostly because my dad was working and she was also my only cousin who was my age. I think we got along well but we just had different views about things. We both grew up in a Jehovah Witness family, and by that I mean my grandparents were both heavily religious and had 13 kids where majority of them were also heavy in to the JW beliefs. The difference between us was that her dad didn't care about going to church and never let the rest of the family pressure him. My dad was always in the church as a young man but was also a troublemaker and actually was disfellowshiped which means no one in the JW congregation could talk to you because you've basically been banned and the only way to get that back is to do everything you're supposed to do in regards to being a good follower.

I don't exactly know how his obligations transferred to me but we always had to go to church until I was maybe 6-8? And I had to go alone. My older cousins would take me to bible study or come over and study the watch tower. At a young age I started to actually realize how hypocritical that was, why do I have to get dressed up and memorize the Bible when my dad just stays home every night? Boom. All at once I was a bad person even though I never did anything wrong.

As a kid I spent a lot of time with my dad who was really strict. My grandma got me a phone because he would refuse to answer her calls and that was both the best and worst gift. I could have some kind of social life and hang out with my friends but my dad would literally call me every 20 minutes and I'm not exaggerating. It got to the point where I would just turn my phone off even if I knew I would get in trouble.

The constant calling and over-protection along with my dad always being gone for work coupled with moving in to smaller and smaller housing situations started to change me inside. I started realizing that not everything was peachy-keen. My dads best friends who I would go over and hang out with their kids no longer wanted him around which meant I had less and less friends. I started to wonder why my dad was always so frantic and why these people he's known his whole life started to drift away from him. The final time we moved to Pa'anau village which was basically Kauai's section 8 housing changed everything. After a lot of drama and overhearing arguments I realized that we were poor. I was still to young to understand why that was but I wasn't really bothered by it because I still wore the same school uniform, I still saw my friends from school, I still went to the beach every day. The only thing that was different now was that my dad was unemployed because the union does massive layoffs all the time.

I was still in middle school at this time and things started to change a little, people wanted to come to my neck of the woods all the sudden and I could never think of an excuse to tell them why they couldn't. Because my dad is a hoarder? Because I live in the ghetto? Or what else? Because my dad refused to pick me up or drop me off because he was always asleep? I never questioned why my dad was the way he was. I always just thought he was sad and missed my mom. He would cry a lot and have nightmares where he would yell for her and I would go in and wake him up and he would just cry.

I learned a lot about growing up once we moved to pa'anau. I had to clean our apartment all the time or it would be a mess, I did my own laundry. I definitely got in a lot of trouble because of who I was hanging out with in the environment. Living there and going to school in the city really changed who I was as a person.

I never saw myself as a "hot girl" or let alone a "pretty island girl". When I was in chief was I remember being like wow I thought I was a tomboy before and now I don't even own a pair of short hollister jean shorts. Either way I made my own path, I had the typical "text" boyfriend that I never saw in my life. We'd look at each other after our friends would go tell them something we each sent them on a mission to relay. Never really cared for any of that because in reality I was still shooting my guy friends with airsoft guns on the weekends.

After a while I realized that I couldn't just hang out with my two guy friends (Curtis & Treydon) because they too were finding themselves in a whole new world. I started hanging out with girls.. I just always felt like I never fit in. Girls as a whole are hard to get close with because there is ALWAYS drama. I still managed to have a group of friends wether I was unsure of if they really liked me or not we all ate lunch and we all hung out every lunch and found each other in class.

In the 8th grade things started to go for a wild turn. I got in a lot of trouble since my after school friends were those in my neighborhood and most of the people who lived in Pa'anau Village have drug using parents or drug dealing parents. I ended up getting arrested for the first time when I was 11 years old. We were eating ice cream I. Old Koloa Town when one of our friends said hey that couple left their bag should we take it? I remember everyone being scared and not wanting to but before I knew it she grabbed it and everyone just started running so of course I ran. She started opening the bag once we got to a bush covered pond near by and I realized we fucked up. The bag had her cell phone, her engagement ring, wedding band, Movado watch, everything. When they caught us I didn't have anything in my possession but the only thing that linked me was a phone call to my cell phone from the stolen phone. That call was made by a friends boyfriend who thought it was funny.

I'm now an 11 year old on probation. Grounded for life, can't affiliate with those friends, not to mention that we all had a different version of what happened. After this I found out that not only those friends but also our mutual school friends also had it out for me. As some kind of joke while we were banned from seeing each other they made a fake MySpace page where they started flirting with all kinds of guys including my last friend left in the groups boyfriend.

At this point I pretty much gave up on everyone I knew. I didn't want to hang out with them and I knew that I could find better people to be with. 8th grade summer my cousin Levi who was for some reason two years older than me in the same grade invited me to hang out with his friends. They were all way older and looked at me crazy!

A 13 year old? Who brought her here. But I was a balmores and they knew my older cousins really well. This group wasn't easy to get in to but once again I found my way and stuck around.

This all leads me to what I wanna figure out. Why, do I consistently get shafted? My 9th grade year I met a boy, he was quiet and literally said nothing to me. We would pass at school and for the first time ever I was like wow who is that. Fast forward, I find out he's friends with my new older friends because he was a senior which would make sense why I never saw him before. We eventually had small interactions and then one day at a party we hooked up. Go figure. We danced and kissed and I was like holy shit I'm gonna get in so much trouble. After that he literally said nothing to me until months went by and it happened again and this time it went all the way. First of all as I'm writing this why the fuck would he be the one to choose? Fuckin guy didn't do anything. Anyway.

I'm 14 and I've lost my virginity to a senior who also lost his virginity to me. Everyone we knew found out and made fun of him for hooking up with such a young girl. Everyone was so mean to me and he never talked to me again not a single word. Later I find out he was too embarrassed, what a pussy.

Instead of being sad I got really mad and started partying more and being kind of a tease because I thought it was funny that guys would try to hook up with me and I could say no but a girl they knew for years would be trying to hook up with them and the guy wouldn't want to. My way of killing two birds with one stone, getting over a guy and pissing off girls who were being mean to me.

Eventually I had my first legit boyfriend and that was.. a first. Typical I threw away my whole world for him but it wasn't hard since we were in the same group, things continued pretty much as normal minus the fact that I always had a ride now.

A lot of things happened that would need an entire book to fill in order for me to explain my self enstated independence from my dad, moving in with a friend, moving in with my coupons, then ending up in Washington.

I spent the entire time in Washington flying back and forth to California partially to see my boyfriend and partially to stay with friends and party.

My boyfriend and I ended pretty bad. He had developed depression and became a legitimate alcoholic, was cheating on me with multiple girls who I was suspicious of, then finally he was a complete drunk monster and that was the end of that.

Once again I found my way. I stayed in Washington and completed high school where I also met a whole squad of female demons. But yet again I started dating someone I met at a party. I didn't know him at all just what I knew from parties and social media. I figured we would be good friends and have fun and it was one of those things where he just called me his girlfriend one day. This was the biggest mistake I could've ever made. This guy was abusive, mentally and physically. I've never dealt with anyone like that and found myself at my weakest point. He spat in my face, threw my belongings all over the place, cheated on me physically, cheated on me on social media, fought with me publicly and on social media. Ultimately he ended up hacking any kind of internet profile I owned and was trying to ruin my life and I had to go to his house get my stuff and tell his parents and threaten legal action. Worst person ever.

Then right before I move to college a friend of mine was really in to setting me up with someone and I told her sure but nothing official. I hung out with this guy and her a few times and started to like him just because he was a normal guy. Pretty basic, friends, family, a dog. Most of all worshipped the ground I walk on. Everything was pretty easy going he asked me to be his girlfriend and I didn't see why not so I said yes, we dated in Washington for 3 months. I moved to California and we were still together even though that wasn't the plan. While I was there the day before my first ever jiu jitsu tournament I get a call "Keanna I'm so sorry I should've never done that I feel so terrible" the voice was a girl but the number wasn't recognized. It was a friend of my boyfriend, she told me that they went to lunch and after went back to his place. I didn't care much about him hanging out with girls because he had a lot of girl friends and it just wasn't an issue. She said that she wanted to break up with her crazy boyfriend and she saw an opportunity (to cheat) and took it. They went back to his house after having a long talk about how they used to have feelings for each other. The stories after this don't really add up but what I gather is that they went up to his room to have sex or something and she started feeling guilty, because we were "friends" and told him she changed her mind to which he responded "can I touch your ass at least" and she pulled her pants down and he touched her ass. Doesn't make sense yeah? So anyway I'm not really trying to deal with this and I should've broken up with him but instead I call him and I said "what did you do?" He sounds confused so I ask again but this time louder. He panicks and says I don't know I don't know. He ended up telling me and flew down the weekend after because wanted to talk. While he was there I looked through his phone and saw some other conversations he was having and also saw that when we first were hanging out he had another option if I didn't go through. Another option who apparently was in his bed when they were making out and she got her period and bled on him she felt so inclined to apologize. After this I lost my shit and didn't trust him at all and I just wanted him to leave. He begged me to forgive him and promised nothing would ever happen again and like me, I go with it. We end up dating for a total of two years. After he said he wouldn't do anything he really didn't. I still let him do whatever he wanted if he wanted to go to Vegas with his friends or party or go to lunch with girls. I just didn't really care I guess, my friend told me "do what you want to do so I know what you'd rather do" so I kept that. Eventually I was tired of how dependent he was. I had to do everything for him aside from basic chores. I had to file papers for him (e.g work, school, gym) I felt like I was teaching him how to do things and I just got tired of it. I felt like everything was almost too good and too plain because I was carrying the relationship. I was better than him at everything. We broke up and he moved out which was a long process.

During that process I was working my first full time job, had a recently found new best friend, and was spending most of my time with someone from high school who didn't like me but we ended up liking our adult selfs. This person suggested that I start hanging out with a teammate, a guy I knew since the 6th grade, or at least knew who he was. She said she thought we would be cute together and people always made fun of us for being so close. Never in my mind did I think I would date him. I just didn't see him like that. We started hanging out and realized we have a lot more in common than we thought. Everything happened pretty fast and things were so different. For once I was open to the idea of having a "friends with benefits" because I knew this person for a while and knew he wasn't exactly the relationship type. I told him that this could work out as long as he didn't keep me in the dark and was honest with me. After 4 months of us being kind of exclusive kind of not he told me that he loved me more than anyone else and I felt the same way. We were officially official. I felt so close to him in ways I never felt with anyone else. Eventually we had our first issue. I had found out that he had been chatting with our old classmate who lived in a city near by, he was telling her all kinds of false nothings and she asked "aren't you dating Keanna?" To which he replied "ugh". I found out because we were sitting with each other that night and she messaged him, I said ew why are you talking to that girl? And he said they were talking because she lived near by. I messaged her "hey girl. Bryson told me you live in LA we should hang sometime" to which she responded something like "Keanna I'm so sorry I shouldn't have been talking to him I'm so sorry I did this to you" followed with screenshots of their conversation. I was hurt. I freaked out, he left, he came back and squeezed me tight after hours of us fighting and said he was sorry and it would never happen again. A few months go by and we're sort of living together mostly because I didn't want to hang out at his house anymore and my place was cuter. Every morning before he went to work he spent a huge amount of time in the bathroom and I was always kind of like wtf and I don't remember how I found this out but I found out that he was flirting with girls during those hours because some how one of the girls told me and sent me screenshots of their conversations. Once again I got mad and forgave him and months went by. I go away for thanksgiving break leaving him at our place/my place. I come back to beautiful flowers and more attention than I had before. He told me shortly after that break that he wasn't going to be hanging with his old friends because they were bad news and I was pretty surprised. I kind of agreed but I also think.. idk my friends are wild too. Either way things were good. One day he gets a FaceTime call and didn't want to answer it, I copied the number in to google and found a name of a girl I recognized from a while ago at my birthday. I was drunk and he let me send a Snapchat to a bunch of girls I told them "I will ruin your life" the only one who responded was this girl who said "I didn't even do anything" and I thought it was funny. I find out that while I was gone for thanksgiving he and his friend picked this girl up and her friend and brought them to my apartment and they stayed the night. They made a vlog about how they picked them up in my car and how they hung out at my place and slept so long that they missed their flight. The next morning there were videos of my boyfriend driving them back in my car. My heart stopped.

I've never felt so blind sided in my life. I hated him and I didn't want to see him again but somehow he convinced me that it was all a mistake and he already cut all these toxic people out of his life.

He suggested that we delete social media and I remember the exactly message "if you love me you'll do the same thing" and I was like wow, yeah let's do it. That was probably the most interesting time of my life. For once I didn't have social media and I had to answer to everyone as to why and tell them that I am okay and that I'm just taking time off. We ended up moving to LA to be closer to school. His friend moved in from Kauai and stayed only 6 months. Living in LA was an interesting change. We got to eat a lot and experience a different kind of the city.

Lots of little things happened while we were here, we fought a lot about social media. He would reactivate his Instagram without telling me which I felt like was kind of shady since we were doing this together and I didn't know there was that option on the table but I felt like life was better without it anyway. At one point I saw a call on his phone made from Snapchat to a random girl. I asked about it and it got no where but I became very suspicious. At this point my trust level was low as could be but I just thought that the goods were good and that bads were so stupid and avoidable. One day I just decided to look through his Venmo and the first name said "queenturtlee" I was like wtf kind of name is that so I look it up on google and see that it's connected to a Twitter account of a girl asking people to send her money. I reach out to her and ask why she's friends with my boyfriend to which she sends me screenshots of their conversations and once again I am frantic. I screenshot all of it and send it to him, we go through the apologies again. And yet again I believe that he was going to delete it. Half way through living in Palos Verdes, life at this point is a fucking rollercoaster. I haven't told anyone about anything thats happened I haven't opened up or really understand how I feel about it we just keep moving. One night after he was out with friends he was getting texts and calls from a Hawaii phone number which I thought was strange, I look it up on a google and I recognize the name. I start questioning it but I get deflected, it's nothing it's nothing. Once again we move on.

A few months go by and we're hit with an actual pandemic. We leave LA all together to go to Washington temporarily and it turned in to permanently after realizing that life in California just wasn't going to be sustainable. I graduated college virtually, we were living in my grandmas house for 3-4 months. Things were weird. We were managing to stay positive by doing all the things we possibly could to stay active and have a good summer.

Eventually we got our own place, moved all our belongings up, and got a puppy! Things were still locked down but at least we had all of our things and more importantly we had this little fluffy bear.

I've always struggled with birth control because I would get the worst symptoms so a friend told me about tracking ovulation and taking my basal body temperature in place of taking birth control. This method was risky but I felt like it was okay because she does it. One day I felt really sick and realized I didn't get my period, I took 5 pregnancy tests all faded positive negative. This led to me having to take a bunch of blood tests and ultrasounds to find out that I was exactly 3 weeks pregnant.

I wasn't ready and had no intention on having the baby but I had to wait until a fetus was visible to do anything about it. While I'm in this process I get a random message from a classmate I haven't talked to in years. They say "hey girl sorry to message you about this but I was at a family party and there were some girls talking about your boyfriend subscribing to her only fans" I immediately felt my heart drop lower than ever. The girl who was at the party messaged me, she told the girl with the only fans to message me and she did. She sent me everything and I remembered a time recently when I walked out late at night and saw him on Snapchat which is where the messages she showed me came from. So once again I confront him but this time it's different. I'm going through something that I never thought. I'm waiting weeks knowing I'm pregnant feeling nauseas, anxious, and scared. What am I supposed to do now.

After a huge fight, the solution was that he would delete it again and give me his password.

This was probably the worst it ever was. A couple nights I unlocked his phone and then got nervous and locked it again. I wanted to look but I was scared of what I would find. I couldn't sleep every night, I didn't know what I was doing, I didn't know if I could trust him anymore. Everything was so good how was I going to deal with a breakup, a puppy separation, all after moving to a new state. I thought to myself, if I don't look now I'll never know. So I do. I find messages that date back to a year. I find all the extra messages that no one sent me, I find money trails sent to females for nudes or sexual messages. Worst of all I find the girl that I saw calling him a year before when he came home late that one night. He had been talking to this girl the entire time, telling her stories about things we were doing. Worst of all is that he wrote the words "I love you".

I completely lost my shit. I woke him up in a rage showing him all the things I saw asking him how he could do this to me.

I never wanted to see him again I felt like I was going to throw up. I was crying so much I felt like the world knew.

He went to his moms house and I tried to stay out or away as much as possible without telling my family anything. At this point it hurt so much. I love him so much, everything outside of social media is a dream so why would he risk that? I felt insecure. A few days before my surgery he told me that he wanted to be there for me and that he was a changed person and realized how fucked up he was but he didn't want me to go through it alone. I didn't want to go through it alone either, I couldn't stop thinking about what I saw and all the names I read. I felt alone and like I was looking at a stranger.

He came back and we slowly tried to figure out how to be normal again. Since then we've moved on far but I think he moves much faster or at least it seems like it. He is my best friend and someone I care about differently than I've ever before. We make a great team, we support each other and know each other on a deep level. We can be our selves with each other. We know each other more than I've ever known any of my friends.

Today, we are still together. He is still my best friend. Our little fluffy bear is now a semi-huge German shepherd who is the cutest and most well behaved 9 month old ever. We've established ourselves in Washington and he actually got a really good job doing what he went to school for. In regards to loyalty things have been going well so far. It's taken me a lot to get to where I am now, I feel like I lost myself for a long time. I'm trying to work on myself lately and trying to stay focused on things that really matter. Our life is pretty much picture perfect but we're still growing up.

Our most constant argument is always social media, but now it's all over the place. It's me being crazy, it's him being careless. A constant circle of misunderstanding each other and breaking each other down emotionally. Sometimes I wish there was a way to forget everything. I wish social media was as it were before, simple. I wish communication wasn't so aggressive and that there was an easier way to mediate instead of getting a therapist. I don't know I wish there was a way to make the pain go away. To not think about what's made me who I am today.

I think it's hard being in your 20s. Everyone is at different stages of life. They have different priorities. People who you grew up with are now spread across the world and you may go years without seeing someone you consider your close friend.

One thing that's hard for me now is not knowing what's next. I feel as if I've given all of the emotional gas I have and if anything else makes my heart drop I think I'll completely give up.

I wish it was easier to get over a fear but some people including myself need extra support. Unfortunately for my boyfriend, not only does he get to deal with what we've been through but he has to deal with all that I've been through.

I always feel like no one I know actually knew what I went through growing up. Boyfriends or best friends are usually the ones who get to know you best and so far only one person who's not my family knows so much about me. Life has shown me how easy it's been for people to leave me or treat me badly. I know that I am not a perfect person but I do know that I don't deserve half the things I experienced. I blame myself for being too forgiving, I blame the church for teaching me that trait, I blame my dad for making me go and making me think life was different than it was.

At this point I have no one to blame but myself for how things have gone. All I can hope is that all that I have now stays afloat and keeps growing in the positive direction that it has. I can't control everything even though I want to.

[plasticoveredfurniture]

inktober d16: wild

pairing: taejin

words: 1823

tags: summer camp au, referenced drug abuse, implied alcoholism, domestic violence, homophobia, angst with a happy ending

"Good morning boys! Welcome to Tangeum Lake Summer Camp. My name is Seokjin and I'll be one of your coordinators' assistant. I'm here to help them keep you in check but ,most importantly, I'm here to make sure you have a great time with us and help you in case you ever need anything!"

His smile was beaming, that was the first thing Taehyung noticed. It put him off in a way. Why would a good looking boy who was barely older than him willingly take care of a bunch of annoying teenagers?

"What's your name?"

Taehyung looked around. Great, he was talking to him now.

"Kim Taehyung"

"Nice to meet you, Taehyung-ah. I hope I'll be able to turn that frown upside down by the end of the summer"

Once again he was flashes a bright smile. Taehyung really didn't want to be there.

He'd been sent there by his parents as correctional punishment after they'd found his small weed stash. It couldn't have been more than a gram, but his parents hadn't taken it well. His dad had already been drunk so instead of raising the bottle to his lips first, he directly started having his fun yelling about what a good for nothing disappointment his son was and reinforced the message with harsh blows to the boy's torso. Taehyung was still carrying purple bruises on his ribcage.

The first couple of days, he refused to talk to anyone. He sat alone for their meals and was always the first one to head to sleep, missing out on the bonfires. His only social interactions were limited to the group activities that they were forced into every day, but even then he never really spoke much. None of the other boys particularly cared, all of them already had their friends anyway. But Seokjin noticed and he didn't like the idea of the younger boy being alone. So, on the fifth night, he went to the cabin he was staying in to talk to him. He didn't think about knocking before he opened the door.

When he looked up from the handle he was met with a broad back of golden skin littered in dark spots of purple, black, and blue with some hints of yellow and green. He immediately rushed forward to check on the boy, but as soon as he reached out with his hand Taehyung closed his eyes and flinched. Seokjin stopped dead in his tracks. He just watched as Taehyung pulled a shirt over his head.

"What do you want?" he wasn't even looking at him. Was he ashamed?

"I just wanted to check in on you"

"Well, I'm fine. Can you leave now?"

Seokjin didn't move. Something inside him was yelling at him to stay and take care of the boy.

"Taehyung-ah" he took a step forward "do you wanna talk about it?"

"I-I don't know"

"It's okay, you don't have to tell me anything. Just-" Seokjin but his hand on Taehyung's "know that you can always talk to me, okay? About anything."

Taehyung looked up for the first time. He was teary eyed and nodded weakly.

After that Seokjin made sure to keep an eye on Taehyung. He'd slip little chocolate treats into his pocket at lunch and go to him when everyone else was at the bonfire. Little by little, Taehyung started talking more. First, it was little things about his life back in Daegu. His friends, school, his hobbies. Then, he started sharing more. He talked about how is father was an alcoholic and his mom never really said anything. He talked about the abuse and why he was sent to camp.

Seokjin's heart ached with every word they boy spoke, but he never let it show, trying to be professional. But that didn't last too long. One night, after all had been put out in the open, they decided to go for a walk. They were basking in the moonlight, the lake to their left and woods to the right. Technically they weren't supposed to be out of the camp's confines, but the elder knew his way around. They were just chatting and skipping stones when they saw a light pointing towards them. One of the tutors had been walking around to make sure that none of the boys were engaging in activities that were not allowed when he'd spotted two figures throwing rocks into the lake.

Seokjin to the younger's hand and dragged him into the woods. They ran and ran until the screaming faded into the distance. When they finally stopped they were both panting messes. They stood there, hands on their knees and breaths heavy and eyes fixed on the way the other's chest was rising and falling. When they could finally breathe properly they looked each other in the eye and just burst out laughing.

Taehyung's back was resting against a tree.

"Who would've thought that good 'ol Jinnie-hyung would help the youngster with a criminal record escape from camp security."

"Oh shut the fuck up, you brat. You don't have a criminal record, you were just dumb enough to keep your weed at home"

The laughter, too, subsided and they were left in silence.

"Hyung"

The elder hummed.

"Come here."

Seokjin looked confused but walked towards the younger nonetheless.

When he was an arm's length away, Taehyung grabbed his wrist and pulled him forward. Next thing they knew, their lips were touching. It was slow but nowhere near long enough, but when they pulled away and Seokjin rested his forehead on the younger, they both smiled.

They were very aware that what they were doing was going to hurt them both in the end, but in that moment, it was everything.

They had two months left so they decided to make the most of them.

Every night they'd meet at the cabin right after dinner and find a good hideout to just make out or hold hands. Their relationship was mostly just soft touches and even softer kisses, nothing more. And they were content. More than either of them had been in their whole lives.

But everything comes to an end eventually. Summer couldn't last forever.

September came quicker than they'd anticipated and both of them had to go back to their lives. Daegu and Gwacheon were not that far, but they weren't close enough either.

The night before their departure Seokjin scribbled his phone number and home address on Taehyung's forearm.

"You're more stupid than I thought if you think I'm gonna let you so, TaeTae"

Everything went perfectly for the first few months. They texted and called every single day, sometimes even video chatted a couple of times.

But the world had never been kind to boys who fell in love with other boys, and it had never been kind to Kim Taehyung.

Timing was crucial in their relationship, both of them aware that the younger's dad was not a forgiving man and extremely set in his ways, and him finding out would've been dangerous.

They had scheduled times when they were free to talk around Taehyung's father shifts, and it didn't occur to them that one day he might get home earlier.

But, around a month after camp had ended, that day came. They were about to end their weekly video call when it happened.

"Okay so what are you gonna tell them?"

"That I'm spending the weekend at Yoongi-hyung's"

"Okay. Did you get your train tickets, sunshine?"

"Of course, Jinnie. I even have my bags packed already."

"Good, baby. I can't wait for Friday."

"Same. The weekend can't come fast enough."

Taehyung left out a soft sigh.

"I just wanna kiss you again"

"Just two more days and you'll be right here in my arms, TaeTae."

"Yeah, I know"

"I love you."

The younger's frown disappeared and was replaced with the wide, boxy grin that the elder loved.

"I love you too, hyungie"

Then, a crash. A beer bottle flew from a side of the room to the other and almost hit him in the head.

"What the fuck is this?"

"Dad I-"

"Who is this, huh? Is my son getting fucked liked a bitch now too? Weren't you satisfied with how much of a disappointment you were?"

Tears formed in his eyes, but he refused to let them spill.

"Sir, please don't hurt him. It's all my fault-"

Taehyung disconnected the call. He didn't want his Jinnie to get caught up in his mess.

After that night, Taehyung's constellation of bruises kept growing. He didn't have his phone anymore so he couldn't talk to his hyung, but he'd kept the elder's address.

He sent only one letter.

"I'll work it out, I promise.

I'll send another letter as soon as I have a plan just, please, don't forget about me.

I love you, TaeTae"

Seokjin knew better than to reply, so he just waited. He knew he could trust Taehyung.

In the meanwhile, Taehyung kept going to school and pretending to have forgotten all about the "boy who corrupted him".

It took two months for his father to trust him enough to let him leave the house for anything other than school. With this newfound freedom, Taehyung decided that he was gonna try his luck.

He sent the letter, bought the train tickets, packed his bags, and left a note.

"Gonna be at Yoongi-hyung's for the weekend, we have a project coming up."

His father didn't care enough to know that Yoongi wasn't even one of his classmates.

And he left.

When he got to Seokjin's house, he burst into tears. Their first night together was spent like that, rocking each other through the crying and exchanging soft kisses that were drenched in tears. The second one went better, they hung out the way they used to when they sneaked to the woods during camp. Just, this time around, they were a tangle of limbs on a soft mattress. In a house where they knew that their actions were not something to be ashamed of. Something that didn't hold any consequence. They thrived in the freedom, so much so that they drunk off of it. Shy touches became more firm and sure, soft kisses became hot and desperate. Their hands wandered and they studied each other's bodies as if they were sacred scriptures. Something holy and worth worshipping. And worship they did.

The last day was spent basking in the afterglow, trying desperately to stop counting the minutes until the younger's departure in the back of their minds.

Despite the heaviness in their hearts, they knew that this goodbye was surely going to be temporary. An unspoken promise of sorts that could be found in the way they looked at each other.

Sure, the world had never been kind to Kim Taehyung. But it had given him Seokjin, and Taehyung knew that there was nothing that could ever take his hyung away from him.

[codename-bewareofthefangirl]

What kind of older siblings are GoM, Nijimura, Haizaki, Momoi, Riko, and Ogiwara?? Headcanons?

Hi dear! This was more difficult than I thought! There’re some of them I really can’t picture as big brothers so I’vecome up with less headcanons (Murasakibara for example)! However it was really funny and I tried my best! I believe I’ll probably like Aomine or Kuroko as my big brothers! And you?

 I hope you’re going to enjoy it!

The Gom,Nijimura, Haizaki, Ogiwara, Riko, Momoi Older Brother/SisterHeadcanons

Aomine Daiki

-The brother that wants to be cool. He’s good at playingwith you and joking around, especially if he realizes you look up at him.Compliment him and he’s probably going to do whatever you want.

-However, he needs his space and gets annoyed easily. He likes to tease youand annoys you in his free time. Don’t worry, you get to tease him too and hegets flustered easily.

-He’s not the most interactive or attentive brother; sometimes, growing up,you only greet each other and don’t speak for days; however he’s veryprotective. He’s the only one who can mock you.

-He can be serious and if he realizes you have a problem (if, because he’sdense) he’s going to try and listen to you. It’s very awkward for both of yousince usually you don’t have serious talks, but he tries at least.

-He’s going to teach you how to play basketball and it doesn’t matter ifyou aren’t good, you have to learn.

-He’s painfully blunt. About everything. But at least you can trust him.

-Sometimes, he’s the one who asks you help with homework.

-You have a lot of stupid, heated fights, for nearly everything, but youboth get over it quickly. Usually you just shout, insults in particular, ortackle each other.

-He’s going to check on your crush, if he discovers you have one, and ifyou have a lover, he’s going to intimidate them with the typical “I’ll breakyour arms if you make her suffer” warning.

Kise Ryouta

-Over-doting brother. He loves you deeply, spoils you, teaches youeverything he knows (from cooking to playing basket) and he’s over-protective.

-He have photos and photos of you and likes to brag about how special youare and how much you love him to his friend. He comes to every formal orspecial occasion and to pick you up at night when you go out. He’s the onecheering out loud at competitions.

-Yes, if you try to shut him up, he’s going to ignore you and he canbe…overwhelming? And embarrassing. But you know he just cares a lot.

-He helps you picking out your outfit and styling your hair any time youwant. (And he checks on what you buy to be sure you’re presentable)

-He brings you with him to the photoshoots when he can, but he’s not sureif he wants to try making you a model like him (if you are interested) becausehe knows it can be a toxic world. He brings you back clothes and accessoriesfor you.

-Every gesture of affection from you makes him happy like a hyped Chihuahua

-Kise has also a teasing and petty side, that emerges in particular when youplay at something. He riles you up and he’s determined to remain the one who’sbest at everything. Hella competitive, but he says it’s to strengthen you.(tbh, he’s just childish)

-One movie night together per month is a must. He pesters you for it. He needshis alone time with you, being comfy and happy and relaxed.

-All the people you’ve dated or tried to date are deeply terrified by him.They still have nightmares.

Midorima Shintarou

I have already written something in this post about him and his littlesister! Here:   codename-bewareofthefangirl.tumblr.com/post/160382391180/do-you-have-any-headcanons-on-midorins-sister 

Murasakibara Atsushi

-The spoiling brother. You two team up against your parents when you needit. Low-key protective.

-He’s also a huge tease and loves to annoys you. Then he searches forforgiveness by bribing you with food, cuddles or other things you want.

-He tutors you and checks your homework, but only if you ask him or whenyou’re not looking.

-However, the most responsible one is you and sometimes you have literallyto babysit him. He bashes into your care. Persuading him to do his share ofhouse chores is the hardest mission ever.

-Every year, for your birthday he bakes a different cake.

-You often nap together on the couch or bake sweets in your free time.

Kuroko Tetsuya

-Quiet, responsible brother. He doesn’t bother you nor he’sover-protective, but he waits for you to take the first step towards him if youneed something and he respects your privacy. He looks over you in silence, wecould say.

-He’s very gentle and kind. The sort of inspiring brother that you can notrespect. Just by being at his side, you feel a lot calmer and relaxed; hedoesn’t mind your company and let you stay in his room when you’re stressedwhile he does his homework or reads something.

-You share equally the house-related responsibilities, doing differenthouse chores. He doesn’t know at all how to use the wash machine. It drives himcrazy.

-Everyone rely on you to find him, as it seems you’re unaffected by hisghostlike ability.

-He’s the first one you search when you have to talk. He prepares you a cupof tea and he listens to your problems and worries on the couch; then he givesyou advices or helps you figure out the solution on your own. With you he’svery…mature and cool, usually?

-But your fights are petty: you both use obstinate silence as a weapon andhe can be veeeery revengeful, especially if you’re in the wrong. Like that onetime he put a frog in your bed because you ruined the book he had bought. Andthe worst is that it’s impossible to incriminate him: he’s a master of evilnessif he wants. He has never been punished once by your parents.

-He lets you sleep in his bed if you want but only if you promise to notmock his bedhead the next morning.

-Awfully good cuddler. When you were little, he read out fables for you.

-He still gives you a small peck on the forehead before going to bed.

Akashi Seijuurou

-Strict but caring brother. He’s constantly divided by the need to spoilyou and the one to raise you well. He wants you to be a proper, responsible,refined and caring person, who, at the same time, knows how to enjoy life andfeels loved.

-He checks on your studies and homework, not accepting that you slack off,but helping you with whatever you need. He doesn’t mind spending hoursexplaining things that for him are easy and he’s very patient. A good teacher,all in all.

-He’s the one to ground you if you misbehave or do something wrong. After along, strict preach.

-He doesn’t know how to control himself when it’s your birthday or a festivity.He wants to celebrate in grand style and nothing can stop him. Gifts,extravagant trips, expensive dinners…

-He expects you to do your best, but he always reassures you that you’refine even if you’re not the number one. The important thing is that you workhard and do everything you can. (He can be the best at everything for the bothof you)

-He likes to play the piano or the violin for you, to help you sleep orrelax. He treasures immensely the time you spend together.

-You can often surprise him looking fondly at you.

-He sucks at giving you suggestions on how to socialize. He tries, reallyhard, but he’s too awkward, without realizing, and can lack common sense.

-He’s extremely overjoyed when you go to watch his matches, even if hedoesn’t say/show it.

-His team is required to treat you like a prince/princess.

-He’s extremely protective, even with your father. He doesn’t want him toruin your life or “corrupt” you.

Ogiwara Shigehiro

-As I already said, he’s more a Mom than a big brother. He’s theresponsible and caring one that takes care of everything in the house. Heprepares you the bento and takes you to school, he comes to pick you up whenyou stay out late at night or after your part-time job…

-He does most of the house chores, but gets very mad if you don’t do theones you’re supposed to. He can be nagging and always inquires about grades,love life, friends…

-He likes to hang out with you on the weekends, bringing you somewherefunny: the amusement park, the aquarium, out camping, the mall…

-He can brighten your mood quicker than anyone else. His sunshine smile ishighly contagious and he can read you well: if he understands somethinghappened, first he comforts you and then he asks if you wanna talk. But healways respects your privacy in these occasions.

-Since he never stops moving, at night, he usually faints on the couch fromexhaustion and you have to drag him to bed in a sleepy state.

-He loves PDA and he always ruffles your hair, especially if you whineabout it afterwards.

Haizaki Shougo (I don’tparticularly like him, but I’ve tried to find something nice to say)

-The big brother that likes to be the older (reminding it to you often) andwants to be respected. Sorry for you, you have to be the responsible one and doeverything in the house.

-He likes to teach you “the way of life” and bringing you out at night withhis friends to “have fun”.

-He’s usually disinterest in your life, but deep down he remains yourbrother and he’s gonna smack some sense into you if you do something stupid.

-He has the decency not to bring his lovers at home anymore (once you wereat home too but he didn’t notice and you remained shocked; he even apologized)

-He told you to focus on your studies, since you’re smarter and canprobably do something good with your life. Instead, he has more than onepart-time job to help you and the family.

Nijimura Shuuzou

-another strict but caring brother; he’s short tempered and gets annoyedeasily when he’s at home (since he can be himself) and can be brash in his wayto show you affection.

-His punishment are harsher than your parents’. Don’t make him mad forreal.

-Don’t mess with him while he’s studying. He’s going to painfully tortureyou. Aaaaand he likes to tickle you to death.

-You fight both physically and by shouting; the entire neighborhood always knowswhen you two are arguing.

-He likes being the one you talk to, ready to give suggestions or pushingyou on the right path. He’s patient and considers your problems seriously. Veryinspirational.

-He feels the pressure of being the “replace for you dad”, who is inhospital. He tries his best, really, but he’s just a teenager. He tenses upoften and you can see when he’s torturing himself over something. In thosecases, laughing with you is a good way to relax. It’s not easy to make himsmile, but he enjoys even a simple movie on the couch together or coming homeand finding dinner prepared by you.

-He tries to take all the heavy responsibilities on his shoulders, sosometimes you have to scold him for it.

-Every week you go together to visit your father.

-He sucks at cooking, please help him. He can mess up while preparing atea.

Riko Aida

-Strict, tough, inspiring sister. She’s more like a mom sometimes andhandles the house. Obviously she’s not going to let you slack off: you have todo your share.

-Riko treats you with sweets or ice-cream when you get a good grade orachieve something. Or just if she’s in the mood and wants to make you happy.

-She helps you studying and does the laundry, but you prepare the bento anddinner for both. And for your father, who can’t cook like Riko. You’re the onewho keeps them for starving.

-Sometimes you take a bath together like when you were little. You’re okaywith seeing each other naked and when you’re home alone you don’t mind walkingaround with just a t-shirt nor entering in the bathroom/bedroom withoutknocking. You behave when your father is at home.

-She tackles you when she’s mad and often you two resolve things with bruteforce. She’s the one who taught you how to fight. She keeps you in perfectshape.

-Even if Riko is sheepish about it, she asks you advices for being morefeminine or cute sometimes. She feels better when you help her, but remind hershe’s perfect like she is. You help her especially with clothes andaccessories.

Momoi Satsuki

-The hyped, over-caring sister! She adores you and loves spending time withyou!

-You often hang out together, going shopping or hitting cute cafés. She’sthe one in charge of your outfit and your style, making sure you look the best.

-She knows everything about you, everything. Don’t make her made, she hasenough blackmailing material to ruin your life. Twice. And she can be socunning and sly that when she gets her revenge, not only it’s impossible toincriminate her, but it’s unexpected and devastating

-If the argument is not serious she’s just going to pout. And whiny. Andbeing a little pest.

-She loves taking videos and photos of you or of the two of you together.Obviously she loves posting them on socials, but she has also secret albumswith cute and funny photos only for herself. Momoi likes looking at them whenshe’s feeling a bit down or in a particularly sweet mood.

-You cook for both, since she can’t prepare a cup of tea without breakingthe microwave.

-She’s needy and whiny, begging for PDA and incapable to restrain herselfin public. Hugs, kisses on the cheeks, patting heads…

-MOMOI NEEDS TO KNOW EVERYTHING ABOUT YOUR LOVE LIFE, OKAY?! EVERYTHING.She doesn’t accept “buts” and plays the best Cupid she can for you, even ifyou’d prefer her not.

-“Privacy? What does it mean?”

-Aomine treats you like his little sister too. He’s the only one who canunderstand your pain when Momoi is being over excited/whiny or who hasexperienced her anger.

[docandprof]

Why Did This Week Suck and Not Suck so Much?

Salutations good sir!

Man this week was a rollercoaster of emotions. Honestly probably one of the hardest weeks I have ever endured. But before that, lemme take a hot sec to answer some of your questions and comment on you. First and foremost, I'm SUPER proud of you and how much of an adult you are becoming! Your life seems, if not more than, as crazy as mine does. It always brings a smile to my face when you tell me how you are breaking out of your shell in more social and professional environments because when it’s us and the gang, you are more than sociable, so I see it as more the world is getting to see the true version of you, a dorky pensive goofball. Even though this wasn't in your post, because we talk outside of said blog, I was really happy that Lyss was able to go see you two and spend some time with ya. I can’t wait to see you all for Thanksgiving, which is just a few short weeks away!! Also, when are you coming home for that? I'm gonna be in Iowa from that Tuesday until maybe Friday morning so I wanna see you when I can before I have to leave again. You might have to share me with Jaynie at that point because I'm not gonna have tons of time to see everyone. Ummmm your question for the week was kinda hard because I would want everything to be magical. Buuuuut, if I had to choose, I would probably go with something inconspicuous like a magic watch that when you open it or interact with it in whichever way the player sees fit, a portal opens from which you can pull/store anything like Hermione's bag. Or it’s imbued with some sort of element and you can get creative with what it can affect, like you click it and you turn into a flame-man or different parts of you take on the characteristics of the different elements a la Ben 10. So yeah, something like that.

Now for my week in retrospect! Let’s see, Halloween here at school is more of a big deal on the weekend (Halloweekend is what they call it) because that is when all the parties are, so I stayed in and studied and did work like a good lil noodle. I did dress up in my Superman onesie while I did work so that was kinda in the Halloween spirit. So lemme just preface what my academic week entailed and then we can get into it. Monday: 3-4 page Spanish paper was due, Tuesday: Orgo lab report due, Wednesday: Test corrections due for my Bioclocks test, Spanish essay test, History of Warfare test where like every subject involved some iteration of Charles, Frederick, Philip, Henry or some Pope, Friday: massive Orgo test, big project due at midnight for my Brain Damage class, and another assignment for said class. And inbetween all of those things, I had to study for all 3 tests, perform a continuous sleep study on myself, help mediate/console 2 friends who are dating/like each other but being stupid so I'm being the good friend who listens and tries to help, AND still dealing with my own emotional shortcomings. Ok got the picture? Simple enough? Good. OH! And I planned out the rest of my classes for the rest of college in order to be prepared and efficient for class registration, which is tomorrow for me.

So I did what I had to do and I buckled down, studying and working on everything while trying to be a good friend for these two love birds. Now I think the earliest I ever got to sleep this past week was 3 in the morning, and I woke up at 8 every day, so my body was really pushing its limits. I didn't really feel stressed out in the beginning of the week, which is normal for me. You know me better than anyone, so you know that I'm pretty calm under pressure and don't panic, which I just consciously realized is all God. I always knew that everything I did wasn't by my own strength and that I am extremely blessed and favored, but it never really registered in me that the reason for my stress-free life is because I have faith in God that he will take care of me and everything will work out in accordance with his plan and if God provides for the birds, why would he not provide for his own beloved children. So that was pretty cool to actively know that. Now back from my sermon of the week to our previously scheduled programming. Totally ok during the week, and then Thursday hit. I was feeling like crap, like actual crap, no figure of speech there or excuse to include some profanity, I was really not feeling well. But I had already asked Nidhi if she wanted to go get breakfast that day at 9 because I haven't had a real breakfast in forever. I ate like 3 bites before I started to feel worse. So we do breakfast and then move to go do work. Standard stuff, studying, tried to eat a lil something for lunch, couldn't. So I went back to the house and kept studying until I finished the notes and felt like I had an ok grasp on the material. Later that day, my friend Jordan came over and we were studying together and she would ask me a question about something, but I just had no idea how to answer, so we moved on to the practice test which we both usually do pretty well on. But we couldn't even make it past the first question without having to look everything up and I was getting really frustrated at that point because I had been studying for over a week. Now at this same point in time, in addition to the friends in love problem thing, I was getting frustrated with myself over this whole Jaynie situation because I'm me and I haven't told her how I feel and it has been eating at me for a bit and she has been busy so we hadn't been talking a lot and you know how I get attached to the people around me, so not talking to one of my favorite people was pretty frustrating. And we were talking at the time of my failure to even attempt the practice test and I was telling her that I was getting frustrated amongst other things. She asked me what was wrong and if I wanted to talk about it, and I said yes and no because it’s complicated and I wanted to tell her everything but it’s hard to tell her some of the reason for my anxiety was because of her and my feelings for her so that worsened things on my end because she could tell I was losing it, so she used my own advice I gave to her earlier that week against me that I needed to talk to someone and not internalize my feelings. So at that point I kinda just lost it and left the house to go on a walk. I was gonna call you because I tell you everything, but it was like 1 in the morning at that point and you were asleep, and I was gonna call my dad because he and my brother have a close relationship and I know that he will always be up and willing to listen and give me some advice, but I didn't do any of that. Instead I called Jaynie. I had no idea what I was doing, but I knew that I had to hear her voice. Luckily she answered, and I was initially just gonna call and say thanks for helping me through it and that I was gonna call my dad afterwards, but I never did and we ended up talking for a little bit and it felt really good. She knew that the best way to calm me down was to ask me about other stuff like the crappy dodgeball game and some other stuff to get my mind off things and it was really just what I needed. We didn't really address anything else major, even though I really wanted to bring us up, but I didn't and after we were done on the phone she sent me nice text telling me that I always had someone to call and that I don't always have to be perfect. So outta my ashes of a first mental breakdown came some solace and some good in that one call. But yeah, that was my week.

As for this upcoming week, I'm pleased to announce that Jaynie will be coming back for the weekend because I invited her! Nidhi is dancing in the Diwali showcase on Saturaday, which is an Indian festival thing and she is super excited to do it, so I figured it would be a nice surprise if her best friend came into town to see her dance. But we are ALSO going to another concert after Nidhi’s dance and that is gonna be fun because we know the band personally. More on them later in the recommendations. And so we had this all set up to surprise Nidhi, but things kinda got twisted around logistically, so we had to tell Nidhi about it since Jaynie is gonna be staying the weekend with her and she didn't wanna just blindside her like that, so I told Nidhi what was going on and she was so happy, so I'm pretty excited for this weekend for 2 reasons, which are pretty obvious and need no further words ;). The only thing I have to get done this week is to write a research paper for Friday, but I think that’ll be ok. Life is on the upswing right now.

Ok recommendation: this band we are seeing is called Arlie, and the guitarist was the RA of the floor my friends and I hung out on all the time last year in Memorial and we are good friends with him. But they just signed a record deal, and they have their single out on Spotify right now and it is actually decently popular with like over a million listens already, so check out Arlie and their single because I think you would enjoy it. Question of the week: have you ever thought about watching Silicon Valley on HBO? I have seen the first episode and am wondering if you would like to watch with me? Oh, I also have watched all of the Bloodborne and Dark Souls 3 play throughs on IGN, so praise the sun for that!! Now that I have once again plot dumped on you, I bid thee farewell.

With all my love,

the doc

P.S. - don't forget to tell Dev happy birthday!!

[xofanfics]

Playboy

Genre: Smut

Pairing: Johnny Seo x Reader

Word Count: 3,293 words

Summary: Johnny gets on your nerves. Of course, this makes Johnny want you even more.

You weren’t attracted to Johnny by any means. He disgusted you. He was a playboy, flirting with every girl he saw. You constantly saw him on campus, a new girl around his arm each time. You lived in the same dorm as him but if you lived on the same floor as the guys, you were sure you’d see a new girl leaving his room every other morning. Thankfully, you lived on the second floor.

It wasn’t that Johnny was ugly because he wasn’t. In fact, he was rather good looking. However, his personality was too much for you. He could be so cocky and there was nothing that you hated more than a man with a huge ego. He had the looks, the grades, and more. He could play the piano, too. But none of that mattered to you. He annoyed you. His very presence annoyed you.

And, unfortunately, because you weren’t interested in him and made that very clear, Johnny made it a point to get on your nerves. You were both living in the same dorm so you saw him often. I didn’t help that you had the same major and you had two classes with him. So you had the pleasure of having class with him pretty much every day. To top things off, your major required a lot of group work.

Your professor came back into the classroom, after the lecture, with a bag in her hand. “Now that lecture is over, you’ll be getting your partners for your semester project. I already chose them at random.” She raised her finger. “And don’t even think about trying to switch. Teamwork is a big part of your grade so I hope that all of you can work well together.”

Your heart raced as your teacher began calling out names and topics. You couldn’t feel or hear anything. When you heard your name being called, your heart stopped. “Y/N,” she called, “and Johnny. Your topic is social media.” Your whole world came crashing down as you heard Johnny’s name being called after yours.

“Okay, find your partners,” she called. “Start brainstorming ideas over the weekend. ”

You rolled your eyes as Johnny waved at you from the other side of the room. He shot you that stupid, arrogant smile that you hated with every ounce of your being before walking over to your side of the room. Was this really happening? Was your teacher serious? She couldn’t be serious… How could you possibly work with him?

“Hey,” Johnny said, sitting in the empty chair next to you. “Looks like we’re partners.”

You sighed. “Yeah. Do you have the assignment sheet she gave us on Wednesday? I think it’s in a different folder…”

Johnny sucked his teeth and reached for his notebook, pulling out a sheet of paper. “Why so serious? Smile a little, beautiful.”

“Don’t call me that,” you said, taking the piece of paper. You read over the instructions carefully. “Do you have any ideas?”

Johnny said, “We could do a skit. How about a video?”

“Okay. I was thinking the same thing. We could create a scenario using social media.”

Johnny nodded. “What are you doing tonight?”

You raised your eyebrows. “Excuse me?”

“To brainstorm,” he said. “I’m busy until ten. I have some errands to run and I want to get a head start on this project.”

“I guess we could meet in the common room later.” You stood up. “Well, just come knock on my door around ten.”

“Shouldn’t you give me your number or something?” he asked, grabbing onto your sleeve before you could rush out of the classroom. With a huff, you took out your phone and handed it to him. He smiled as he put his contact in your phone. He handed it back to you with that dumb smirk. “I sent a text to my phone so I have your number too.” He stood up, too, grabbing his backpack. “I’ll call you later, beautiful.” He winked at you before turning his back.

God, you couldn’t stand him.

You knocked on the door, annoyed at the fact that it was eleven o’clock and Johnny hadn’t contacted you. His roommate, Jaehyun opened the door. You didn’t know much about him other than the fact that he was attractive and that, by association, he was probably a jerk like Johnny. You took a deep breath and said, “Is Johnny here?”

Jaehyun shook his head. “I think he went to some party or something…”

“A party?” you asked, in complete disbelief. This person had the audacity to be at a party right now, when he was supposed to meet with you? You were furious. He could’ve called or texted you but he didn’t because he was probably at a party getting wasted and flirting with multiple girls.

“Yeah. There’s a house party off campus,” he said, fixing his shirt collar. “I’m about to head over there now. Did you need him for something?”

You sighed and said, “Nothing at all… Have a good time at the party.” Then you walked away, up the staircase, and back to your room. You weren’t mad at Jaehyun, obviously, but you were so annoyed.

You slammed the door, startling your roommate. She sat up in her bed. “What happened?”

“I don’t wanna talk about it,” you huffed, plopping down in your beanbag chair.

“Was he not down there?” she asked.

You shook your head. “He’s at some party, according to his roommate.”

“Wow,” she said. “What a dick.”

“Tell me about it.”

“I wonder where that party is… We should do something tonight. I can get us beer with my fake. Let’s get beer and order pizza.”

“Sounds good,” you said. “Let’s do it.”

After Johnny pissed you off tonight, you could damn sure use a beer or two. Or maybe even three.

You were sitting cross-legged on the floor, mouth full of pizza when you heard a knock at your door. Your roommate got up first and opened up the door while you swallowed your bite of pizza. On the other side of the door was Jaehyun and, unfortunately, Johnny. Your mood went from happy and buzzed to irritated.

“Hey,” said Jaehyun, leaning against the door frame. Johnny leaned on his friend’s shoulder.

Johnny said, “That party was lame. Mind if we hang out with you?” From the looks of it, he was drunk. He had to be. Both of them. He had that stupid-ass smirk on his face, too. Jaehyun held up cans of beer.

You rolled your eyes and got up, coming to the door to stand next to your roommate. “Yes,” you said, “we do mind.”

“Why are you being so mean?” asked Jaehyun, holding onto the door before you could slam it shut.

“I wouldn’t be if your friend wasn’t an inconsiderate asshole who decided to go to a party instead of coming up with ideas for our project…”

Jaehyun turned to your roommate. “What about you, Naomi? Are you gonna be mean to me like your friend?” He pouted.

“Of course not,” she said. Naomi had the audacity to smile at him and give him a wink. Was she seriously flirting with Jaehyun right now? He wasn’t exactly a stranger, living in the same dorm and all. You’d had a few interactions with him, but you certainly wouldn’t consider him as one of your friends.

“These two seem to have a lot to talk about,” Jaehyun added. Naomi, then, had the audacity to allow Jaehyun to put his arm around her and walk away with the guy. She had seriously left you here, standing in front of Johnny Seo, to fend for yourself? She’d had a beer and a half and she was done for.

“She’s such a lightweight,” you muttered to yourself.

Johnny leaned in a little closer. “What was that, beautiful?”

“I told you not to call me that,” you said, raising your voice.

He put his finger to your lips and said, “Shh. It’s one in the morning. You’ll wake everyone up.”

You crossed your arms, still annoyed by his presence. “Why are you still here?”

“Well, I heard you were asking about me earlier,” he replied, “so I rushed over here to see you.” He pulled you into his chest, hugging you in the doorway.

“What the hell are you doing?” You squirmed, trying to get out of his grasp.

“Come on. Just let me hug you.”

“Fine, fine, fine. Just come inside since you wanna be difficult.”

With that stupid smile plastered across his face, he sauntered inside and you shut the door closed. The last thing that you wanted was to be seen with him. You sat back down on the floor and Johnny sat down in Naomi’s desk chair, on the other side of the room. He watched you as you finished the rest of the beer in your can.

“What are you looking at?” you asked.

“You,” he said. “You look good tonight.”

You were wearing a pair of shorts and a shirt with minimal makeup; just a little eyeliner and some mascara. It was kind of cute, but it was nothing special. It was nothing in comparison to those girls that Johnny walked around with. You weren’t sure why he thought that you looked good tonight.

“Thanks,” you said.

“Why do you hate me?”

“Because you piss me off.”

He got up and stood in front of you. He took your hand in his, pulling you up on your feet. His hand was soft on your skin, surprising you. He towered above you. He was close to you—dangerously close. Inside, you were panicking. He was too close and too tall. You felt small and vulnerable.

You made the mistake of looking up at him. Then he leaned down toward you, slowly making his way toward your lips. You let him. His lips pressed against yours, his tongue slowly entering your mouth and his hands cupping your cheeks. His movements were slow, calculated. He probably didn’t think he’d get this far. You never thought the day would come that you’d be exchanging saliva with Johnny.

He pulled away first, studying your face. He looked just as confused as you felt. “You let me kiss you…”

“So?”

You liked the kiss, you had to admit. But you certainly weren’t going to openly tell him that little detail.

With that, he picked you up. You wrapped your legs around his waist in response. You like this. He kissed you again as he sat down on your bed, with you in his lap. You placed your legs on either side of his thighs. Johnny started running his lips across the sensitive skin of your neck before starting to plant soft, feathery kisses in the crook of your neck. You let out a soft moan, by accident.

“You like that, huh?” he said, pulling away from your neck with an arrogant grin. You weren’t going to answer that question. He shrugged. “I guess I’ll have to figure out what else you like, then.”

With that he started running his hands over your body, slowly feeling on your ass. You let him. You wanted him to touch you, kiss you, all of that. You supposed it had been a while since you’d been with a guy. Maybe that was why you were letting him do all of this. Maybe it was that. Maybe you liked him. Right now, it didn’t matter. He lifted your shirt over your head, revealing your black bra. In one swift motion he unhooked your bra, a move he’d probably perfected. Immediately, he took your breast in his mouth, teasing and sucking your nipple. You bit your lip, holding back another moan.

“You like that, too, huh?”

Instead of answering, you tugged at the bottom of his shirt. He nodded and let you unbutton it yourself. You felt his chest, running your fingers across gently. You took in his body. You were aware that Johnny made it a point to go to the gym often, if not everyday. His body was perfect, in your eyes. He wasn’t huge like some of the guys you saw walking out of the gym.

Your heart started racing as you realized what was happening. You were topless in Johnny’s lap for God’s sake! And you could feel yourself getting excited. Was Johnny making you horny? Were your panties wet, right now?

Before you could give it another thought, Johnny flipped you over on your back, pulling your shorts and panties off at once. It took you by surprise but, still, you didn’t stop him. He hovered over you after tossing your clothes someplace and kissed you on the lips before leaving a trail of kisses across your breasts, down your stomach, and closer and closer to your wet spot.

Noticing your wetness, he said, “For someone you hate, you sure are wet.” You started to tell him to shut up, but his tongue touched your clit before you could. You let out an unexpected moan as his tongue circled your clit, sending chills down your spine. He was a good kisser, so you guessed that it was only natural for him to be good at this, too. He didn’t make a sound as he dipped his tongue in and out of you. The only sounds being made came from you, soft moans. Your body tensed as he went to work on your clit, wrapping his arms around your thighs, pulling you closer to meet his mouth.

“I want to try something,” you said, as Johnny looked up from his work. You couldn’t believe you were thinking this, but you wanted to please him. You wanted to see the look on his face as you did.

“What’s that, beautiful?” he asked.

“I want to give you head.”

He gave you a half smile. “Have you tried 69 before?” You shook your head. “Good. I’ll be the first you get to do it with.”

You didn’t hesitate to help him unbutton and take off his pants. As he pulled his boxers down, you couldn’t help but stare. He was the biggest you’d seen, for sure. No wonder he gets so many girls… Johnny seemed to be the ideal guy that any girl would be attracted to. He was attractive, tall, smart, and he was big down there.

“You like what you see?” he said, smiling that stupid, cocky smile that you hated so much.

You nodded before taking his cock in your hands. You wrapped your hands around it, slowly moving your hands up and down his shaft. His lips parted in pleasure.

“Come here,” he said, pulling you closer. “I want you to sit on my face.”

You had never sat on anyone’s face before. The thought excited you, so you did as he said, placing yourself above his face. He pulled your hips close, his lips meeting your clit. As he did, you leaned toward his hard cock. You took the tip in your mouth, running your tongue gently across. You slowly went down his shaft, taking it all in your mouth. You felt his legs tense from underneath you.

“You’re … good at this,” he admitted. This wasn’t something that you did often but when you did, you liked doing it. You liked 69. It was fun. You were feeling pleasure, as well as giving it. Hearing the sounds that Johnny was making was turning you on. And you liked feeling the vibrations from his mouth on your skin.

The pleasure you were feeling was distracting you. Your lips were wrapped around his shaft, but you couldn’t concentrate on what you were doing with Johnny’s tongue dipping in and out of you. Your face was starting to feel hot. You found yourself breathless. Johnny kept at it, driving you crazy. He was relentless as you began to squirm. You were getting closer and closer to your breaking point; you could feel it. You tried to lift your hips, but Johnny pulled you back down, gripping onto your thighs tightly.

At this point, you couldn’t finish what you were doing. All you could do was hold onto Johnny’s thighs. The pleasure you felt was too great. You squirmed even more, trying to get away, but he was holding onto you tightly so that you couldn’t escape so easily. You knew that you were done for as your legs started to shake. Knowing that you were so close, he dug his tongue into your clit. You gasped, moaned, and shook to your orgasm.

“You taste amazing,” he said as you moved away from his face. You glanced at him and saw that his mouth was still wet with your wetness. He licked his lips as you smiled, completely blown away by what Johnny had just done to you. He was looking at you with dark, lusty eyes. You were doing the same.

Before he could say anything or make another move, you moved in front of him. You took his dick in your mouth again, determined to finish the job. He inhaled sharply at the sudden contact. His lips parted and he reached over to hold onto your shoulder. You could feel him watching you as you bobbed your head up and down. You rubbed on his ballsack, sending a chill up his spine.

“Fuck,” he sighed.

You made eye contact with him for a few seconds. His eyes were dark, still full of lust for you. He pushed your hair out of the way and held your hair in his hands. Then he moved his hips upward to hit the spots that he wanted to reach. You let him. If anything, you were enjoying it more. You liked him touching you.

Slowly, he started pushing your head down, his cock going deeper and deeper into your mouth. He shifted his legs. In hearing  his shaky breaths, you could tell that he was enjoying it. You looked up at him again, arching your back. You came up, arching your back. Then you took the time to run your tongue across the tip.

You felt him tense from underneath you. You didn’t break eye contact with him. He was biting his lips, low moans spilling from them.

“Baby,” he said, “you’re so good at this.”

“You like it?” you asked, deciding to play along and talk dirty to him. He nodded. “You like when I suck it like this?”

“Yeah, babe… I’m close.”

“Cum for me,” you said, before taking his cock in your mouth again. He grabbed your hair, pushing himself deeply into your mouth. He pushed himself in faster and faster. He started groaning a little more loudly and you knew that he was going to cum soon.

“Make me cum,” he said, taking his hands off of you. You took matters into your own hands, wrapping your hand around his shaft. You jerked your hand up and down. In response, Johnny moved his hips up and down to meet you halfway. You wrapped your lips around the tip and pushed down the shaft about midway, sucking while you jerked him off.

His lips parted and you saw his eyes roll back. “Baby…”

“Cum for me,” you repeated.

“I’m cumming...” He groaned and you felt his cum spilling into your mouth. You took it, swallowing every last drop of his warm cum. His cum tasted good, slightly sweet. When he was finished, he fell back onto the pillow as you laid down next to him, leaning on your elbow.

“Do you still hate me?” he asked, wrapping his arm around you.

“I do,” you said, scooting closer and placing your head on his chest, “but I’d suck your dick any day.”

[ghost-town-story]

He Was Never Mine to Have: An Unexpected Part 2

boi it’s 4 am so let’s make some more mistakes

So follow up time on the events of He Was Never Mine to Have: it’s been a good three months since that night and boy oh boy has it been interesting for my goddamned feelings but let’s start off with the weekend after that.

First off, Tech wasn’t in pep band (for somewhat bullshit reasons but you know what whatever), so I didn’t have to figure out how to interact with him there. Or ask him to take me off campus for food, since I barely had time to run from pep band to the theater before call time :P But that’s not really important in the grand scheme of things.

That weekend there was a party at the director’s house. I got a ride with Tech and his friend (whom I am still friendly with, even more than Tech perhaps?). Friend’s nickname shall be Chuck. The night before, Chuck let me know that he was nominating Tech for the “shameless flirt” award because of what happened at the cast party. I’m like “lol that’s funny don’t worry about me I’m cool with it honestly” because he was like “Yeah thought I’d let you know since this vaguely involves you.” So at the cast party, I curl up in a corner of the couch (which was hella nice let me tell you) and when awards started up, Chuck was sitting next to me, with a bit of space between us. Tech decided to sit between us, so I moved more into the corner to make space for him. I gave him my chips to hold while I moved. He ate some the lil shit.

Awards happen. Tech wins shameless flirt because he’s “thirsty.” I laughed so hard at that. Stories happen. One of them involves repetition of a phrase in the first half, while twist ending means it doesn’t happen in the second half. I laughed as I saw Tech’s face twist into utter confusion when the second half rolled around and repetition didn’t happen. He was like “wait, what?” And I asked him if he knew this story. He said no. I laughed and told him to wait because it got better. The second story involves “brightly colored hankies”. Tech smirked at my beaded bandanna, and I teasingly smacked him in the face with it the next time they were brought up, only to apologize literally a second afterwards because I am cringe as hell. I offer him food. It seems like everything’s okay.

After awards and stories, everybody kinda disperses and people start to leave. I’m left alone on the couch, though Tech and others were nearby, including this girl. I don’t actually know her name, but she looked like a Maria so I’m gonna call her that. Maria was wearing a baseball cap. Tech and Maria start talking, kinda with other people, kinda not. I’m kinda half in my head, half half-assedly paying attention to all the other conversations around me, so I’m not paying a ton of attention to them, but at one point I notice Tech is wearing Maria’s cap. Fuck. It’s none of your business. You have no right to judge him.

Since I got a ride with Chuck, I chill around until Tech and Chuck are ready to leave. This takes a couple of hours. After most people have left, the remaining people migrate to the couch and sit around chatting for another couple of hours. During this, I have a good view of Tech with his arm wrapped around Maria, and Maria eventually migrating to basically sitting in his lap. It’s none of your business. You have no right to judge him.

I avoided looking at him as much as fucking possible because I just felt sick. I was so jealous, even though I kept telling myself I had no right to be, even though I was trying so hard not to care. I was hopelessly in love and viciously bitter. I swung between blaming him: You’re a fuckboy for doing this, for making out with me and maybe flirting with her when you told me you wanted to date Al, and feeling inadequate and insecure: What if he told me he wanted to date Al because he didn’t want to say he’d never date me and he’d never want to and somehow that’s better than the truth. None of my rational thoughts helped the jealousy coiling in my stomach and clawing at my throat.

I was tired enough at the director’s house that thankfully neither Chuck nor Tech expected much conversation from me on the way home. I wasn’t keen to give it. I’m not sure if this is at all related, but I stayed up till five or six in the morning, crying and feeling out of place and unable to attempt to sleep without feeling like shit and way too much cold blue (I know that only makes sense to me, but I can’t describe the feeling any other way).

But life went on.

On Valentine’s Day, our school was showing Moana in the theater, after band ended. Me and one of my band friends decided to hang around the theater after band until the movie, and meet our other friends there. I briefly entertained thoughts about what would happen if Tech was there as well, but I tried to ignore those. It was none of my business what he was doing, and I thought he would probably be going with Al anyways. 

After band, my friend and I chilled in the hallway, and to my surprise, Tech hung around, as well as another random person. We all hung out for a bit, mostly me fucking around on the internet and chatting with my friend. Since it was Valentine’s Day, my lovely Athena sent me a valentine involving scalene triangles (long story). My friend saw it and was confused until I showed her the video that Athena was referencing (if you value your sanity, don’t go looking for this video. Just don’t.) Tech wandered over and looked over my shoulder at the video while I was showing it to my friend, and at the end just said “I am very uncomfortable now.” Dude same that video is so fucking weird. Eventually, Tech asked why we were still here. I was just kinda like “?? Dude, Moana tonight?” I had thought he was hanging around waiting for Al. “Oh yeah. I shouldn’t stay for that, I have a test tomorrow.” I was very confused by this point by Tech like dude why are you still here then get yo shit together lol. But after finding out he had never seen Moana before, with a bunch of teasing and calling him lame, I somehow managed to convince him to stay and watch the movie. 

And then promptly ditched him for my other friends XD Okay, not really. More like when the movie was about to start and we left the back hallway, Tech got separated from me and my band friend, and then I went and sat with my friends that we were going to meet at the movie. He wasn’t in the theater at the time and didn’t chose to come sit next to me. Whatever, he’s a grown boy, and I’m trying not to have a crush on him anyways (though that didn’t stop me from looking for him before the movie :P).

Afterwards, as we were leaving the theater, I saw Tech kinda chilling near the back of the theater. I waved at him, and was vaguely surprised when he started walking next to me. Not that I was complaining or anything lol. I asked him if he enjoyed the movie, and he said yeah. He then went on to say that during the movie, a couple of his frat brothers that he was going to study with had tried to contact him, since he hadn’t told any of them he was going to the movie. I laughed and told him to reassure them he wasn’t dead. As we left the theater, he started towards the parking lot and his car, and I went towards the dorms in the opposite direction, wishing him luck on his test. 

For the rest of the quarter, I pined and I saw him in band. I went home to Minnesnowta and tried to get over him.

The first day of the new quarter, I was dying because I decided to have 4-6 classes back to back every day, and this was one of the 6 class days. I just wanted to go back to my room and collapse and not think for the rest of the day. When I got to the staircase in the Union, though, I saw Tech. I was just gonna nod and do my usual salute if he saw me, but he fell into step beside me. We chatted about our breaks. I felt extremely awkward, especially when I bid him farewell at my dorm. But I had also fallen head over heels for him again.

I continued seeing him in band, though not as much when we split into woodwind and brass choirs. We had just enough encounters when I was already feeling socially awkward from other situations that I think he might have an inkling of my hella crush I don’t want to have. I also saw him and Al hanging out together, which solidified my desire to get over this stupid crush.

For the spring musical, he wasn’t in tech. It was a small mercy, I suppose, because I would probably just make a fool out of myself as per usual yaaaay. But now it gets interesting cause Chuck takes on a larger role in this story.

For background, Chuck and Tech are pretty good friends from what I can tell. They’re also frat brothers and live together if I’m remembering correctly. Chuck is a senior and Tech is a sophomore.

One thing that happens is offhanded comments that just so happen to include Tech. Ones that are not aimed for me to hear, but I do anyways. And I start to think “Wow, I kinda don’t wanna date Tech. Like, he’s a great kisser and all, and not a bad dude, but idk if I would actually be able to get past these things I’m learning about him.” Which is yay, because I’m apparently getting the fuck over this shitty ass crush.

So one night I’m talking to Chuck and a couple other people, and Chuck brings up the last cast party, and the fact I “ended up on the floor.” “Yeah,” he said, “So I get a text the next morning from Walter that just says ‘fuck’. So I’m like, ‘are you still alive dude?’”

I thought I was finally basically over everything, but for some reason that really fucking hurt. Like, the first thing Tech thought of when sober was that he had done fucked up. Like wow, that kinda hurts, knowing I’m just a fucking mistake for you. Perfectionism, ya know? Don’t want to make mistakes, yet one of the most fun nights of your life is a mistake for the boy you spent it with. It’s just, I’d be more fine if he was like “yeah, that happened, but I don’t want to date you, so let’s just move along and be cool with the fact that it happened,” but it doesn’t seem like that.

Fuck you Walt. Even though my feelings are my own goddamned fault, still. Fuck you.

Also. Before the spring cast party, I had three people (Chuck, another techie, and an actress) all kinda mothering me about the party, which was kinda weird and hella embarrassing. The other techie basically banned me from the beanbag in his apartment (not that I ended up in his apartment, but still) cause he didn’t want me to “end up on the floor” again. Which, I mean, good goal, making sure the freshman girl who’s barely had alcohol before doesn’t make too many mistakes, but it’s not like that’s me. The actress offered to keep an eye on me. She’s sweet, but I turned her down. Why? Because I like to think that even when I’m slightly drunk, I still have a semblance of control.

So here’s what I want to tell everybody but won’t, because they probably don’t care enough. But I do.

Making out with Walt wasn’t me just doing dumb drunk things. That’s not who I am, while drunk or sober. There is nothing that could prompt me to make out with random boys, even if I was drunk. I’m too socially awkward for that, and I feel a lot more alcohol would not help. But I was well aware of what I was doing when I leaned against Walt and let him pull me close and kiss me. I kinda liked him, he made it seem like he liked me back, and that’s why I let myself end up on the floor. He flirted with me, pulled me close, murmured sweet things in my ear, and I responded, knowing full well what I was doing. The alcohol just made me brave enough to say, “Fuck it, let’s roll with this cute boy I like who’s flirting with me.” I pushed him away when I needed to. When we left the cast party together, it wasn’t to fuck. I never had any intention of that, even though I probably vaguely thought that a lot of people would think that. No, we just made out some more, and I went back to my dorm, tipsy and on cloud nine and alone. Nothing. Happened.

Except for Walt’s mistakes.

Guess I’m one of them.

Alternative title for this: My head’s yelling “fuck no” while my heart cries “yes”.