#not from self-hatred. but from comparing herself to those who live.

[zorkaya-moved]

" you are always on about helping me," for someone whose voice usually comes in a subtle, warming tone, it has taken the turn for something more heated today as their debate, nay, argument had come to blossom as a result of long nights and dreadful projects. in the aftermath of the disagreement, kaveh will find himself in a pit of embarrassment and guilt for having stood his ground, but he couldn't accept it. he wouldn't accept it.

" to say that it's pride is only a portion of it, but i have never had to rely on anyone in my life --- i couldn't. there was simply no room for me to rely on anyone, let alone ask for it and --- that's why i can't stand by and simply allow you to help me, when you clearly do not wish me to help you in return. are we not equals ? do we not share a mutual form for respect, do you think less of me because you see yourself in a position to protect me and support me ? because i won't have you in such a position, zarina. "

it's not anger , per say , simply frustration. he is frustrated with how she puts up a mighty act of a stable, strong woman, for while she is ( archons know she is, she is so strong, and kaveh looks up to her in so many ways / had he been one for prayer, her feet would be the ones he'd find himself bowing to in seek of grace ) she remains as human as him at the end of the day. the pain and hurt he felt certainly were no strangers to her. does she not think he feels the way her face tends to drop the second he turns, or notice how her thoughts wander in the corner of his eyes when he find himself occupied by the desk ?

" let me look after you the way you look after me. let me take care of you the way you take care of me --- for it seems too long ago since anyone did the same for you. " crumbling in his stance ( is my love not enough for you ? ), the heated tone has come to falter in favor for a softer and honest one, as hands seek out to her cheeks, pleading to hold her tenderly in his grasp. " you are my life , zarina. how do you expect me to allow you to be my foundation when you refuse to accept it from me in return?"

@avaere

Their argument breaks out and nothing feels real for the first second. They’ve never argued like this before, it’s never come to this. It’s unusual for the architect to look at her like this and speak to her like this. It confuses her, it makes her wonder, and it makes her question exactly what brought this out. And the more words leave Kaveh’s mouth, the more confused and puzzled she becomes. It doesn’t make sense. It simply doesn’t make sense to her. Is he… not happy? Is he upset that she offers her support? Is he upset that she wants to keep him safe? It doesn’t seem logical nor does it seem like something he should be so frustrated over. The questions circle in her head and Zarina tries to search for an answer, but instead she’s met with a wall. She slams into it mentally as Kaveh keeps talking. 

—That's why I can't stand by and simply allow you to help me, when you clearly do not wish me to help you in return. Are we not equals?—

“We are…” Sokolova whispers to his question, still finding herself at a loss for words simply because she cannot fathom the reasoning for his upsetness, frustration, and fiery anger. It makes no sense for him to be hurt in her mind. 

 —Do we not share a mutual form for respect, do you think less of me because you see yourself in a position to protect me and support me?—

What are you talking about? Zarina asks internally, eyes empty and hollow at those words. Suddenly, his words echo in her head and she can’t find the will in herself to really suppress them. To her, everything he says right now simply doesn’t fit in her understanding. Is she not supposed to help him? Is this not proof of her love? Is this not enough for him to understand how much he means to her? Is this now what love is supposed to be about? 

Finally, Zarina isn’t weak to keep those she loves unprotected. She gained everything she needed to keep these important people safe. She has power, she has influence, she has money, she has it all. She has information on each and every important person in almost all of Teyvat. She has customers and clients who are of noble birth and who would beg for her to take a look at their cases. She has it all to ensure those she loves have a comfortable life. 

Because she, a woman who lacks any humanity behind her void gaze, can only feel human while being with them. They keep her a person. They keep her away from the numbness, void and hollowness. They keep her away from losing the joys and colors. They are her colors. Kaveh is her Sun and the person she wants to keep happy the most. 

But… 

—Because I won't have you in such a position, Zarina.—

…I’m strong enough to be in that position, am I not? Why don’t you just let me do it?  

She isn't weak. She isn’t weak anymore to have others fuss over her. She doesn’t have anyone to worry over her and try to keep her from harm’s way. Now she can take care of herself, she can protect others like she always wanted. There won’t be laughs of men cruelly kicking her and calling her a little princess, there won’t be Victor hurt while trying to protect her, there won’t be Aleksey who they fret over as her parents are gone, and there won’t be any other people they’d be indebted to who can use them for their own ridiculous schemes. 

No, she’s climbing to the top and it means she won’t have anyone look at her or her family the wrong way. She can tear apart anyone who dares to mistreat her or her family. She has everything to keep herself occupied, interested, away from the deafening silence and frigidness. 

Ah, but that’s not it. That’s not what Kaveh says and that’s where the dissonance happens. Her past clashes against her present.  

Why do you look at me like Victor did? I’m stronger now. I can protect you. I won’t be hurt anymore. There’s no need to worry, no need to try and protect me, I’m fine. I’m…

—Let me take care of you the way you take care of me --- for it seems too long ago since anyone did the same for you.—

His tone crumbles and she can see him reaching out. After all, she had no second to input any of her words into this conversation. His stream of words hit her a bit harder than she’d ever expected. It makes her confused, all too confused and lost.  

This means that she hasn't been successful or what does it mean? It makes her think of Victor who’s been trying to take care of her when she was rescued. It makes her think of how when she came to Sumeru, she was looked down on by Scholars and those who were against Snezhnaya. Now they love or hate her, seeking her out despite pride and prejudice because they know she’s stronger. Isn’t it fun to see those people crawl to her? 

It makes her think of her selfishness, her indulgence, her sick satisfaction with reaching the top and watching people who underestimated her crumble before her feet. But then it all dissipates, she’s grown bored and sought out more. Like a ravenous beast in the body of a beauty. All hedonistic indulgences fade with time aside from sex and planning. The long-standing plans hold her interest for a little while longer until she’s left disappointed or satisfied for a medium period of time. It all fades, but not the warmth she feels when she’s with those she loves. Not with Victor, Aleksey, Kaveh… Not with them. Not with him. 

Oh, but Kaveh reaching out to her both emotionally and physically almost makes her feel fear. Almost, if not for her control over the internal state. It’s a titanium hold, but when his hands touch her cheeks, Sokolova feels something inside start to crack. The whispers in her mind say over and over again how he’d find her revolting, tyrannical, and cruel. He doesn’t know how little care for the world and its riches she has. 

She’s always lived selfishly, so giving to her loved ones feels like what she can do. After acquiring everything because her selfish self wanted to see how far she’d be able to reach, this development seems to be… baffling. 

His touch and his last words bring her out of that stupor. Still, confused and puzzled over these confessions within the argument, she feels at a loss. Emotions aren’t her strongest forte. Nay, genuine emotions aren’t her strongest forte. Zarina knows how to use them, manipulate them, and twirls them for her own benefit, but right now? It’s not about manipulation and malice. It’s not about shadows and darkness. It’s not about survival. It’s about… love, trust, and communication. 

Everything she wanted to protect since childhood yet never surrounded herself with until return home or when Kaveh was by her side. 

“What do you mean you don’t help me with anything?” She suddenly asks, her voice coming out genuinely puzzled but her eyes… Her eyes are bleak and cloudy, no, they’re hollow and empty when she begins. His hands against her cheeks feel so hot, her own body feels so cold. Is it because of her vision or is it because she remembered everything from that past? She doesn’t understand him, or does he not get the amount of things he does for her without knowing? “You always do. You’re the only one here who does.”

No one in Sumeru matters. No one in several regions matters aside from Snezhnaya where her brothers stay. Kaveh doesn’t know. He doesn’t know the ‘survival of the fittest’ rule she lives by, rules by, orders by. 

Zarina brings her left hand up, touching his hand but she doesn’t yet grasp it. Her fingertips grave over the fabric covering his wrist. She worries that if she grasps it, she’ll break it. Zarina recalls her first hunt in the snowy plains of Snezhnaya. She doesn’t want to break him.

“You make the nightmares go away. You make me feel safer than I’ve ever felt since…” The agonizing pain, the loud screams, the laughter of those who had control. “...since I was hurt,” Sokolova looks away for a moment, her words feel like they’re spilling out as if in desperation to get him to hear, to understand, to give him enough to have an idea but not dive into details (not yet). “You indulge me, you give me your time. There’s no silence, no hollowness, no void. You make me feel…”

Clarity returns to her golden eyes. The silverette takes a second to breathe, finally letting her fingers wrap around his wrist (tenderly, carefully). Her shoulders drop, her expression is one of light exhaustion and still flickers of bewilderment. 

“You make me feel human.”

It must be so strange to hear, isn’t it? To feel human. Isn’t she almost the most beloved in all Sumeru for her scholarly achievements, for her charismatic nature, for her connections and for her being the strongest candidate for the Amurta Sage? And yet, Zarina knows better than anyone that those achievements are not done for the sake of gratitude or betterment of the world. It’s selfish, it’s ambitious, it’s all out of boredom and pettiness. 

“You never ask for anything. I have power, I have money, I have connections, I have it all, but you never ask for anything,” she starts off. “You are my equal, if you were not…” She lets out a soft chuckle, but it’s sharp and cold. “...I wouldn’t fall for you, love you, treasure you, want to give you as much as I can. If you were not my equal, you’d be lost in the sea of faces I meet.” 

Golden eyes return to look at him, but she doesn’t smile nor show any emotion. If anything, she’s stone cold, but not guarded. She doesn’t hide, but there’s no bright light in her gaze and in her behavior.

“Do you… really think that I’ve reached all of what I have today through honored and honest work, Kaveh?” She gives his hand a gentle squeeze, but her golden eyes are growing colder the more she thinks about what she’s done… and how she feels no guilt or remorse or regret over everything. The people’s screams, the Abyssals’ pleas for mercy, the blood, the merciless ends, the survival. “Do you really think that I don’t see you as my equal? If I didn’t care about you or saw you as my equal, you would’ve never even gotten a glimpse of who I am. Like everyone else in Teyvat.”

A hard hitting sentence, isn’t it? Especially said with that razor-sharp gaze and a voice that got deeper as if she growled it out. But instead of showing the same cold-hearted ferocity, she presses her lips together and looks away from him as if ashamed. It’s not that she’s ashamed of who she is, but she is unsure of how much more she can say. 

“I… don’t know how to let others care for me,” she admits. “I don’t know how to stop protecting who I care about. And I don’t think… You’ll look at me the same if you learned the things I have to do to survive…” But also because when you’re not here, the boredom and silence come back in full force and I return to those frigid days. “What if the person you love is only kind to you, Kaveh? Will you hate me for it?” 

There’s a glimpse of cracks, of a weight no one ever expects someone to carry. But she doesn’t mind that. If it means she’s indulged and her family is protected, it means nothing. Is she really human when she does not feel any remorse for all the things she’s done? Perhaps, the only remorse and sadness comes when it comes to Kaveh. What if he fell in love with a phantom? What if her sharper and crueler sides will scare him away? There’s no fixing that. It’s simply who she is. 

“I don’t understand you.” Her lips are pressed together in frustration. “I don’t understand what you mean by taking care of me more than you already do. I don’t understand what you want from me right now. All these riches, all these connections, all of what I have… They are nothing compared to what you’ve given me. You taught me that I can love, I can experience love, I can feel it.” She brings her other hand up to touch his, but then pries his hands away from her face to hold them instead. “And yes, it doesn’t make the world better and it doesn’t make colors seem brighter, but it settles me down. It makes me… think that a normal life isn’t out of the question for me.”

 Then, Zarina laughs. But it’s hollow and bitter and feels like shattering. 

“To accept your help, I must give up control… of everything I am. And if I do,” she lets out a soft exhale. “I don’t know if I’ll be able to pick myself up if you reject me.” 

Finally, she smiles but that smile is soft and careful. Not sharp, not hollow, not cold. It’s more familiar to him. It’s more genuine, it’s as genuine as she can muster when her mind remembers everything she does behind his back to remain on top. She cannot simply end everything she rules over, it’s already too late. Too many people want her head, too many people rely on her, too many people have their eyes on her, too many people wait for her word like their only prayer.

“You are my lifeline, Kaveh. You already give me so much, I want to…” She gives his hands a squeeze, gaining up courage to say the next words. He’s more important to her than everything she’s acquired. She’s lived her life selfishly already. “But alright. I don’t yet understand, and that’s why… Can you teach me… how to let you care for me in a way you meant?” Without this iron control over everything. As she holds his hands in her own, she bends down to press her forehead against his knuckles. A beast offering its leash to another, she hopes he won’t turn away the more she opens up. “But please, I’m begging you, give me time to tell you everything. My life belongs to you, you are my heart. I still don’t understand, I probably will struggle, but be my guide here. So please,” she straightens up and gives him another small smile. She’s trying. It’s obvious. She’s trying against everything she’s been taught by life, by experience, by struggle and torturous existence. But for him? She’s trying. It’s tense, but she’s trying. “Be a patient teacher with me. I’ve never… been protected… and I haven’t been cared for since my childhood.”

[dabblingreturns]

When I started Harrow the Ninth I hated Mercymorn. I hated Augustine, I scorned both men called Ortus, for their weakness, though this rant only deals with G1deon. I hated those adults with all the fury of two infinitely and continuously wronged teenage girls. But then I read Harrow again and again and Gideon and Harrow....and finally Nona and Nona and Harrow again.

And my understanding of them had changed.

I see adults trapped in webs of thier own unreversable consent.

I see adults, who at one timed agreed, and participated...maybe they didn't have all the information...maybe they suspected, maybe they knew almost everything, or maybe their hands was forced, but they agreed.

But it doesn't matter who knew what, or who didn't think things through.... because now they are trapped. They don't know how to get off this ride. Things have changed. They have changed. They have sat too long with their own pain, hatred, and grief, a loneliness, or regret.

They have spent this time frozen, but not unaffected.

The events of Harrow the Ninth give them a chance to break free of their own prison.

Because now they have Harrow to worry for and to think about. And Ianthe to think because of and worry about.

Just like Anne of Green gables, or Spy x Family, or Interview with a Vampire, nothing changes the dynamic of your life like a kid.

And Harrow is a kid to them. They know intellectually, that she is at least 15. But she is so small, and frail, which no figure, which makes her look even more childlike. I don't think any other necromancer, except possible Isaac, could have created the the feeling in the adults brain that "this is a child!" Quite as violently as Harrow did.

And Augustine was an older brother....he was a protector....and now he is living with a child who looks like the sad little sister of his dead friend, Anastasia, and at the back of his mind is a voice saying....don't let bad things happen to this one....not like the others. And he doesn't always listen to it....but it's there.

And Mercymorn looks at this child, and once before she was Mercymorn, she was trained as a doctor, and she probably had patient, and some of them were probably children or teens. And the woman who wasn't called Mercy yet, saw what the world could do to them at least physically speaking, and she tried to fix it. Was M so devoutly pro-choice because her had to do those procedures?....and did she see the aftermath of stolen choices? Did she see those who's choices were taken away from? Maybe M didn't work with those patients, maybe she just heard stories....but she cared, and now she's been given another child and this one probably reminds her of her self. With her brains, and religious furver, her love of the human body, her inability to read the room, and her dead best friend. Mercy may not be able to remember her won childhood, or her own time as a doctor.....but Harrow the ninth makes it clear that just because you don't remember someone, doesn't mean they cant haunt you.

And G1deon, called "ORTUS", I don't know what he sees, I don't know what memories do and don't exist in his brain for 10000 years of being the emperor's dog. I don't know if G1deon was haunted by the child he lost the same way Pyrrha was. But I think G!deon sees a broken child, or at least the top of her head, and Pyrrha said, that he did like an underdog. And in Nona the ninth, Pyrrha said that G!deon liked Harrow.

And that's only Harrows physical effect. Then there is Harrow's actions...the adults are forced to sit there for months and watch "the work" and compare Harrowhark and her work to Ianthe.

And its a stark comparison.

On one arm, they have Ianthe, who did not love her caviler, who is not effected by his loss, who's only issues mastering lyctorhood seams to be in her need to be fully herself. She doesn't grieve, she is not broken, she is smart and clever, good at conversations and an flattery, she is tall and full grown.

And I bet Ianthe is abhorrent to the other lyctors.....she is a threat. A possible new favorite for John. She is competent, charmingish, and shows absolutely no moral compuntions about anything.

She is a monster shaped like pretty young woman to them because she went through the same sacrifice and immersed without guilt.

Mercymorn hated her, G1deon avoided her, and Augustine, Ianthe's teacher, looked for any excuse to put her down. After all, Naberius could have still fought with the other hand. Cavs need to be at least a bit ambidextrous to use two weapons at once. putting her down for having an technical fighting issue in one arm seams a bit of an over reaction. After all, all the lyctors knew that lost limbs don't grown back, so Ianthe can't have been the first lyctor with a few bits missing. I think the problem was never really about the arm.

Then while spending time with Ianthe, the three older lyctors get to see Harrowhark. Harrow who broke herself in her own grief, who had the same choice thrust upon her that Augustine and Mercymorn had. Harrow did ultimately make the same choice to become a lyctor, only to immediately reject it.

Harrow chose to to brake her own mind rather than deal....Harrow is walking around that space station, very clearly not dealing with the consequences of her own actions. Harrow has said, "fuck you" to "action and consequences" Harrow is rejecting reality instead of living with her own guilt. Harrow is not playing by the rules of their polite little society. She's fainting, and bleeding, and stroking out all over the place. She is making a massive fuss. And in her own completely batshit way Harrowhark is fighting back

And the adult lyctors have flirted with fighting back in the past but without much urgency. They played ball with BoE...but the ninth house operation and the wake affair both required no immediate confrontation. John never had to know.

But John sees Harrows rebellion and John let's her rebel...John let's Harrow be crazy, and bleed, and make an ass of herself all over the Mithreaum, and embarrassment is the only consequence.

He doesn't stop The Work....he let's her continue. Harrow is rebelling against her own lyctorhood and the order god made....and he appears to be mildly disappointed....but that's all.

I dont think any lyctor has done this before, regretting it enough that they changed thier own mind.....and Augustine and Mercymorn and the man Harrow keeps calling ORTUS, just have to watch...and sit with there own memories.

And the worst part is that broken little baby harrow is still more powerfull then they are....

They get to watch her heal herself over and over again. They can see the speed. They see how long she can stay in the river. And they see the theorems she uses. They know that she is a bone adept who has ignored flesh and spirit for bone....but her own flesh and spirit are unwavering.

The consequences of Harrows rejection of her own lyctorhood are so much less then any of them ever conceived. They are trapped with a girl who is in a constant state of rebellion against herself and the universe.

And Mercy and Augustine and even G1deon can't ignore this situation.

On one hand they have Ianthe and all the danger she posses to their rank in the status quo, and on the other hand they have Harrow, who constantly reminds them that they don't have to accept the status quo at all. And they like Harrow. She's the feral kitten wondering around their home and occasionally giving them the worst possible food to eat. But she is cute and charismatic and unpredictable and entertaining, in a wet kitten sort of way. And she has so much potential!

And so they have to ask themselves, "is it my job to put this girl down, to releave her suffering, for her own good, because shes not a threat but she's also not right. or do I just let her be...."

And Augustine says, "yeah, I'll go out of my way to protect her from my brother. Because I like her better"

And Mercymorn says "I am the only one here capable of putting her down without suffering, so I will do it at the last moment possible and take the guilt on myself, because I alone deserve to suffer the most!"

And then G1deon says, "I will try to put her out of her misery in the most distressing and half assed way imaginable until everyone complains to much and everyone realizes that this should stop." Or at least G1deon might if he was ever forced to explain his thoughts....ever!

And then Gideon Nav shows up and blows the whole thing wide open. But harrow lit the long fuse. And now Augustine and Mercymorn have to deal, because G1deon said "fuck it, I'm done with this bullshit. I'm going to go die in battle!"

Here is a wet kitten as a reward for reaching the end

[sootwilb]

WARNING SUPER LONG ASK AHEAD!

How many other people believe this whole situation between Wilbur and Shelby is being blown WAY out of proportion? I believe it's being blown out of proportion a bit on both sides, but I just see an overwhelming amount of hate on one side, and it isn't Wilbur's. Not to say no hate toward Shelby exists, it does, but I keep seeing people attacking Wilbur. (Not to excuse those attacking Shelby, they should stop as well).

Like the extreme dehumanization towards Wilbur, calling him a drug addict, all the muzzles' posts and edits, people calling or comparing him to a dog or animal because of his biting habit –

Mini-rant: Wilbur's biting is akin to atypical affection or a stim and he does it out of affection. It is not a kink. So to characterize it as something sexual, to be controlling, do deliberate harm, as a targeted or calculated thing is extremely absurd. Everyone shows affection/intimacy in different ways. Also to draw muzzles or comparisons to an animal (I believe) is extremely dehumanizing for those who also bite (for similar or different reasons).

– people have edited self-harm on him, people post gore under WSS posts - like that guy shooting himself, there have been rumors of people sharing what they believe to be CP of Wilbur (if true, WTF is wrong with them) wishing for death and sending numerous threats to Wilbur and those who still like him or support him. 

A majority just dehumanizes, bullies, and victimizes others all while claiming to support victims without actually supporting the victim. I don't believe those who participate in this behavior care about victims, they just want to be lauded as a good person or a hero without actually having to do anything. They don't watch Shelby stream nor have I seen them do anything that would actually help victims - like talk about signs of abuse, different kinds/types of abuse, how to spot them, how to get out of those abusive situations nor support or bring up and charities that help abuse victims (But as far as I'm aware, I haven't seen Shelby do this either) all I’ve seen is just overwhelming hatred for one man. What they’re really saying is “Everyone! Look at me! I'm on the right side! I’m normal and good, the cop of life! Give me praise and admiration! Ruin this man's life so that I may become famous!” 

Like… All of this over Wilbur consensually biting his older girlfriend. Shelby said herself that the biting was consensual and that she didn't know how to properly use the safeword until recently. (Like within the last few months, I believe).

Is it bad that I struggle to believe Shelby is completely unaware of what people are saying about Wilbur? Especially if she is supposedly lurking in WSS or LVJY spaces with that ‘stream my stream instead’ when people were streaming ILGWIS. I mean, if it's also true that she liked posts saying Wilbur should be in a muzzle and that he should join the 27 Club back in February or early March then by god I’d expect more maturity from someone in their thirties. 

You can disagree with me on this. I was raised with the belief that you are responsible for your actions (or lack thereof) and you are responsible for yourself at the end of the day because there won't always be people around to help you. If you put yourself in a bad situation and keep putting yourself !!KNOWINGLY!! back in that situation, it is your job to get yourself out of it. 

– This doesn't apply to those who are genuinely trapped whether because they live with them, (like with parents, siblings, other relatives, or spouses) have legal or other types of obligations, (like marriage or children) are blackmailed or forced into the situation by others, (like arranged marriages) or in financial abuse situations where they can't afford to leave. (Not paying for a cat sitter, plane ticket, or their side of the food is not financial abuse) – 

Wilbur's biting habit was extremely well-known, he told her that he wasn't going to change, plus in Lexi's stream, she said she saw/knew about the red flags and decided not to tell anyone and stay in the relationship. Shelby is a grown woman who is older than Wilbur and has been in multiple relationships. I don't know if she thought she could change or fix him - which ladies and gentlemen if you're in a relationship thinking “I can change them” or “I can fix them” - break up. Because starting or continuing a relationship with that “I can fix them” mentally is not a healthy or a good foundation for ANY relationship.

Personally, I believe the relationship was dysfunctional, mutually toxic, and rifled with miscommunications and misunderstandings between the both of them that couldn't be fixed.

well said nonnie! it annoys me so much when people call his biting habit a kink. shelby literally says herself that he did it to show affection, he does it to both partners and friends and he’s done it since childhood.

the way people talk about wilbur and dehumanise him is online harassment and online harassment is abuse, those people who constantly wish him to die or want him to be hurt they are no better than who they think he is but they think that because he has the label abuser on him that they are morally right to behave in that way. ive started calling those people antis/haters because that’s what they are they couldn’t give a crap about shelby.

wilbur has consistently been the more mature one despite the fact that she is older than him and has been a public figure far longer than he has.

i definitely think she went into the relationship thinking she could fix him considering his struggle with mental health has never been hidden. i also agree that it was mutually toxic and that there were massive issues with communication from both of them

[praxinasshanila]

Elenora - "Ellie" -Fredrickson

Ellie is an Ephedian commoner, She's a shepherd from a small village that felt it's fair share of hardships under Gramorr. Ellie is a kind hearted person who does her best to help other's and her community. Most people see her as a loving big sister who won't hesitate to chew you out if you've done wrong.

~full bio and backstory under the cut ~

Name:

Elenora Fredrickson

Nicknames:

Ellie

Freddie

Gender:

female

Age:

23 (earth year)

Kingdom/Hometown:

Silvafinis, Ephedia 

Role/Rank:

Commoner, shepherd

Sexuality

lesbian

Siblings/Relatives

Her grandmother

Lucas, younger brother, 17 (deceased)

A father (deceased)

Favorite Color:

Cotton candy pink

Weapon(s), if any?

Shepherds crook (she can and will beat your ass with it if need be)

low level magic (she has light peachy pink crystals)

Likes

👍other people, especially those in her village

👍Animals, especially her sheep and her Amaru, Amelie

👍Magic

👍stories and legends for other realms

Dislikes

👎People who cause problems for others

👎Crystal monsters

👎The classic pet owner “What’s in your mouth!” struggle. It’s a daily one for her

👎minimalism/ rooms without a naturally amount of clutter

Strengths

👍physically strong

👍observant 

👍social skills, she can make friends with anyone

👍Animal handling and care

👍open minded

Weaknesses

👎kind to a fault, she’ll help people even if they don’t deserve it

👎self preservation, she will run into a dangerous situation to help someone else regardless of the risk she’s putting herself in.

👎Magic. Although she is one of the better mages in her village that isn’t saying much as most people in town only use the most basic of magic. Compared to the magic we’ve seen from the princesses, she’s really weak.

👎book smarts, especially spelling

👎impulsive

Fears

Crystal monsters

While Gramorr held power over the realm, crystal monsters were everywhere enforcing his will. These monsters regularly caused destruction in Ellie’s village and were a terrifying threat while she was growing up. She recently lost her younger brother to an attack from one of these crystal monsters and it’s made her hatred and fear of them that much stronger. 

Dead things

beyond being generally creepy, she’s scared her herd of opportunistic omnivore sheep will try to eat anything they find and get sick. Her flock is kind of her life and anything happening to them is scary af to her

3. Gramorr returning or a new threat taking his place

she lived almost her whole life in a realm occupied by Gramorr, she’s seen first hand how it got worse over time and the damage he and his forces caused. Her little village suffered great losses because of what was happening in the world around it, and she can only imagine what was happening in larger towns and cities of influence. She wants to believe what she's heard of Gramorr’s defeat, and that the royal families and resistance will be able to stop any remaining forces from taking power again, but after living her whole life with him in control it’s easier said than done. Especially with rumors going around that the princess of Ephedia has been sent off planet again.

Hobbies

Talking. She’s a constant chatterbox

Storytelling and hearing others stories.

Organizing community events

Riding her amaru, Amelie in her Pegasus form

Magic research

Back Story

Ellie is a common girl from Ephedia. She lives in the small village of Silvafinis and works as a shepherd. She’s a sweet, kind hearted young person who does her best to help people around her. Growing up in the realm of Ephedia she saw first hand the destruction and misery brought on by Gramorr during his reign of terror. Even being in a small village far from most things, they were never safe from the abuse of his forces, or the danger of the violent crystal monsters he created. The village was routinely threatened, and more than once irreparably damaged by this. When Gramorr first took over Ephedia the people of the realm attempted a coup to try to stop him, hoping to avoid what they knew would come should he stay in power. Ellie’s father and a number of other people from the town were a part of this. Unfortunately this revolution was a complete failure, most of the people involved in it died in the battle, Ellie’s father included.

After her fathers death she was left with just her grandmother and younger brother in her direct family, but being from such a small village most of the other people in town helped to care for her and felt just as much like family. Still she had to grow up fast, in doing so she kind of became a big sister figure to most of the town. Almost to combat the harshness of the world she lives in, Ellie does her best to be kind and helpful. She doesn’t see a point in making things harder than they already are for others. She comes down hard on younger kids in the village when they’re misbehaving or causing problems for that reason. She spent most of her life in this role, taking care of her family's sheep and younger brother. She more or less got used to the constant threat and destruction caused by Gramorr’s reign, as it was just how life always was.

But in recent months rumors began to spread that the princesses of Ephedia, who’d been sent off planet for her safety so long ago, had been found and was fighting for her kingdom and planet. that Princess Izira of Xeris had escaped one of Gramorr’s prisons and formed a resistance force to fight him, that hope was returning to Ephedia again. In direct conflict of that hope, it seemed like attacks from Gramorr’s crystal beasts were becoming more frequent than ever before. The village’s losses begane to pile up as homes, businesses, and farmlands were destroyed. Ellie’s younger brother died trying to protect the village during one of these attacks. This was a devastating loss for her, she blames herself for not being able to protect him, and has been in deep mourning ever since. She continues to keep up her cheery disposition around others though, not wanting her pain to bring down others.

When Gramorr was defeated, news spread fast across Ephedia, including to the little village of Silvafinis. Ellie, like most of Ephedia’s people, hopes this will mean an era of peace and recovery from all they’ve lost, but she can’t help but continue to worry that some new dark force may rise up to take Gramorr’s place. 

[caestusvulpes]

The thing I'm most interested in exploring with part2kari is her intense self hatred and grapple with both her humanity and mental health, comparing and contrasting what having a support system can do for someone struggling vs. not having one, and soooo many more themes. If you thought dckari was fucked up in the head oh my god dude you don't even know the half of it.

A lot of key differences involve doing things alone for most of her life. Wandering as a vampire, living off what animals she could catch and even sometimes stealing blood from hospitals when she needed it, keeping all those negative emotions bottled up so she didn't deliberately hurt anyone with immense willpower, ect. She didn't have her Stand, so she was alone even in her darkest moments-- not even having a fighting spirit to guide her or aid her when needed. She went into Soft Cell completely alone, endured its trials alone, and took a lifetime from Sinclair alone, and felt the sun on her skin for the first time in 3 years alone. She cut herself off from her family out of shame of what she'd become, even if she had no say in the how, why, or what. This amount of isolation is crushing for someone who's only 21. LaBrie haunted her memories as the vampire who turned her, and no amount of searching for vampires' origins could give her any information besides a handful of occult books she studied in local libraries at night as a drifter, or one odd isolated case in England fifty years prior where, allegedly, there was an undead onslaught in a small town.

Where partflexible hikari had things happen to her in a similarish fashion ( attacked by labrie twice, turning into a vampire for three years, developing her stand after a short illness post first-labrie, soft cell's entire shit ) she HAD people. She knew people. She had Tenmei and Yukako and Astrid and Sadzi and whoever else she met along the way that lead her away from destructive impulses and within six years of being around she has a stable career as a Stand user agent in the Foundation within a wonderful community.

part2kari doesn't have that support. She left home just shy of 18 to be independent, was turned for her trouble, and apent those 3 years researching what had become of her, and how to cure it. Nearly obsessively. She succeeded at the cost of a part of her she'll never get back. Soft Cell shows someone their worst possible traumas to soldier through and claim their cure, and this mental torture was what claimed so many lives for the Stand to draw on. Hikari persevered out of sheer force of will, even as her body slowly lost the curse as she progressed. By the final chamber, she was weak, exhausted, and in pain. Hikari hadn't felt legitimately fatigued in the whole time she was a vampire, and here she was, clutching the wispy and intangible chains of gold pierced through her heart and panting and sweaty, feeling her fangs piercing her bottom lip as she tried to fight and not keel over from the sheer oppressive weight in that room.

And then, release. She's outside, stepping out from under the trees all by herself and no one to share in that victory with. It feels remarkably hollow as she stands there, hand encased in light and not searing in agony. Why don't I feel better? This should have fixed me.

I have a lot of thoughts abt her.

[ericwenninger]

Anne Lamott's book, Bird by Bird, is a helpful and honest guide for writing fiction. She pulls back the curtains to confirm what we all already know about writing. It's hard! Lamott paints the writing process as one riddled with insecurity, self-doubt, and despair. But she does so with a light heart and a whole lot of humor.

Her chapter on jealousy stood out to me as one of the most insightful and one of the funniest. In it she describes a severe bout of jealousy she experienced when a less-skilled writer friend started to have a lot more success than her. She writes:

My therapist said that jealousy is a secondary emotion, that it is born out of feeling excluded and deprived, and that if I worked on those age-old feelings, I would probably break through the jealousy. (...) She said it was once again that business of comparing my insides to other people's outsides. She said to go ahead and feel the feelings. I did. They felt like shit.

She goes on to detail the small pieces of advice that strung together a solution for her jealousy. I would summarize this string of advice as follows:

Show grace to yourself and others, knowing that we will all die someday

Practice mindfulness to get a little better day by day

Use humor to make negative feelings funny

Accept negative feelings and defuse their impact on you

Talk and write about your feelings

I'm a big believer in using strategies from Stoicism (see "7 Stoic Lessons on Living Life to Its Fullest") and ACT (Acceptance and Commitment Therapy) to overcome any negative emotion that is preventing you from experiencing more fulfillment in life. This is exactly the stuff Lamott used to move past her jealousy. After putting these strategies into practice, she was able to reach a point of compassion for herself and for her friend, with whom she graciously decided to part ways. She writes:

And finally I felt that my jealousy and I were strangely beautiful...

The very day I read this chapter I learned of another resolution to a conflict involving shades of jealousy. In early June, Charli xcx released her album, BRAT. On the song, "Girl, so confusing," she addresses an unnamed artist and the struggles she experiences in their relationship. Immediately following the song's release, many speculated that the artist she was referring to was Lorde. This was confirmed when just two weeks later, Charli xcx released a follow-up single, "The girl, so confusing version with lorde." On the remix, Lorde actually has a verse in which she responds to Charli's lyrics about their relationship. She responds, in part:

Well, honestly, I was speechless When I woke up to your voice note You told me how you’d been feeling Let's work it out on the remix You’d always say, “Let’s go out” But then I’d cancel last minute I was so lost in my head And scared to be in the pictures ’Cause for the last couple years I’ve been at war in my body I tried to starve myself thinner And then I gained all the weight back I was trapped in the hatred And your life seemed so awesome I never thought for a second My voice was in your head

This is still pop music. Such a public display of resolving conflict is going to promote the work of both artists, and as the song suggests, "make the internet go crazy." But I hear the dialogue between Charli xcx and Lorde as being vulnerable and honest. The very act of putting your work out into the world makes you vulnerable. The song's subject matter brings me back to what Lamott's therapist told her about jealousy:

She said it was once again that business of comparing my insides to other people's outsides.

I try to remind myself on a daily basis that everyone I encounter is experiencing some kind of suffering, even those who appear to be happy and successful. Often times their sufferings are internal and go unnoticed, maybe even to the closest of friends. Knowing this can help us all give one another a bit more grace, reconcile the conflicts that divide us, and ultimately, reach the potential that each of us carries.

[aetherose]

I just binged all of the Wednesday show since I had been meaning to do so and man, I really enjoyed watching it. And of course as I've mentioned before I find quite a few similarities between Wednesday and Layla. They're both goth and very eccentric people, deeply protective even if stern with those they do actually care for, viewing the world through a lens of 'kill or be killed', brutally honest, an outcast of society harassed and bullied at several turns, generally very rough around the edges, and ultimately thinking they're better off alone even though they don't truly want to be. They think they're doomed to be alone. They also both have that big sister instinct haha.

I do have problems with how the show handled Wednesday I'll say; I would've liked much more consequences for Wednesday's actions as I LOVE when she gets called out, but then it feels like it just amounts to nothing because it just naturally resolves itself rather than making Wednesday resolve it as part of her character development. But I found the show still enjoyable.

Back to Layla and Wednesday though, I do think one big key difference that really makes them ultimately quite different is though they're stern and rather abrasive Layla feels much worse about it, since she has far more compassion than Wednesday. Which I really like to just...hammer that down so much as Layla's key trait because it sets her apart.

Most in her situation would perhaps become entirely cold and callous, and whilst Layla does become quite cold and she does what she must do, she does not enjoy it, she is acting out of a desire to survive, a fear of death. Human instinct. And she feels really bad about it most of the time because she never wanted to become this.

Where Wednesday is unashamedly herself, Layla is ashamed of what she has become in several regards. She is not proud of what she has done, at least not when she's done it to innocents. She only ever wanted to live a happy life, to have friends, to be loved. But she was punished for it. Punished for even existing. And she was forced to become what she is now to survive.

She knows what she is, and though she is angry at the world for making her this way, she also knows she isn't the only one who's suffered, far from the only one who never wanted to be what they are now. And hence her guilt.

She has no more right than others to survive, she was just better at surviving. But at the end of the day she's stooped to the level of several people she's hated for the sake of survival on top of her never wanting to become this sort of person, but she both feels like there's no way out alongside just drowning in guilt and self-hatred.

In a way, Layla isn't really truly being herself, because most things she does are for survival, not really because she wants to do it. Sometimes she does want to do it if it's in regards to someone she hates, but usually it's not, and it truly hurts her deeply. And it's a mess of feelings of hating the world for making her become this, and hating herself for letting the world make her be this, because she knows it's ultimately her own choices.

But did she really have a choice in the fight for survival? Can you really say she had options when more often than not it was 'do a morally questionable thing or die'? And at the end of the day, she fails to see that feeling remorse is what sets her apart from many truly horrific monsters in this world.

This was your 'comparing and contrasting Layla and Wednesday turns into Mun Rose just rambling on and on about Layla' post today.

[oc-cinematic-universe]

time to analyze my ocs as if I didn't make them, dara's character arc is soooo interesting to me. cause she's already had her redemption arc. you don't get to see it but she's spent the last 70 years trying to improve in every way she can. and she's done well! if you compare her as she is now to how she was before theron's death, she is Starkly different.

the only perspective you get on her before theron's death is theron's journal, but it is a good perspective to have. because she fucking treated this kid like shit! theron was not part of her job description so she did not give them care aside from making sure they were alive. and she clearly didn't do that part very well either! she got herself wrapped up in her annoyance of this kid enough to be convinced they needed to DIE. falling that far into her own selfish emotions wasn't entirely her fault but she still very much had every option not to. and yet therons dead.

what you don't get to see is everything in between that moment and the start of the comic, 74 years later. of course you don't. dara is the main character of this story, a little bit the narrator as everything follows her. and she does not think seeing those 74 years is important. there's only then and now. she doesn't let the story take a path that could reveal just how much effort she's put into doing better. she won't look at it and neither should you.

but she HAS clearly had her arc. you can see that. she loves the kids in her school so much. she cares about everyone she meets So Much. she lets kids who have nowhere else to go stay over the summer and makes sure they dont have to go back to abusive environments. you dont even have to fucking look at anything else to know this is a HUGE shift from what she was like in 1950! she takes in a random kid practically left on her doorstep (jules) and makes sure they are loved and safe despite the consequences that could come from that! and it feels so casual for her!! this isn't something she's doing out of guilt (maybe not anymore), she's just doing it because it's the right thing to do! because she CLEARLY put in the effort already to reach this point, even if we didn't see it. dara does not HAVE a redemption arc in the comic. she's already finished hers LONG before the story begins.

dara's arc in comic isn't about getting better, it's about accepting being better. dara had even already begun accepting herself before the comic started. its been 7 decades. she hasn't Forgotten what she did, it just. isn't relevant anymore. so she doesn't think about it as often as she once did. ...but now she can't avoid thinking about it. and she's losing so much of the progress she's made because she hates herself that much. as much effort as she clearly put into being kind to others, she did not put the same into being kind to herself. and on some level, it's fair. i mean. kind of hard to want to be kind to a child murderer. and she shouldn't convince herself that didn't matter, because it does, so much. but she really takes it to mean she can never be a good person. and thats where so much of the conflict of the story lies. her self hatred is why everything gets as bad as it does. she's dragging everyone down with her because hating herself becomes more important than keeping her loved ones safe. and it hurts them a lot. it hurts her. over. and over. and over.

daras arc revolves around accepting the truth. that people are complicated. and letting herself live because she's a person too. she's already gone through her redemption arc. now she just needs to see that and live with it

[loregoddess]

head empty, no thoughts, only Ori (this is a lie, I have several thoughts about Octo2 yet again, specifically about Tanzy and Ori)

Agnea's final chapter was fun bc I was keeping such a wildly close eye on Tanzy bc, of all the foils, she was one of the least developed and therefore most confusing/enigmatic (Petrichor gets the crown for literally not existing outside of hearsay, but Tanzy's pretty weird too).

So anyhow, every time Tanzy says something about her goddess I know she's talking about Arcanette now, which makes her statement to Agnea about "even the goddess is watching you" pretty ominous, but aside from that Tanzy is? literally impossible to read. Unlike Trousseau, who we see in the Winterbloom flashback to be a little unhinged before Castti meets him (and therefore making it not as surprising that he was so susceptible to Claude's logic), we really aren't shown any indication that Tanzy isn't doing well. I mean hell, even Ori, with her happy-go-lucky scrivener mask, slips a few times, and her "true" personality comes through a bit if you're paying attention (more on that later). But not Tanzy, which I guess makes sense, given that she's the "dancer" and I seem to recall that she was an actor at some point?

Also, Tanzy literally sees Agnea's entire performance of the Song of Hope. Y'know, the same song that saves Dolcinaea, and even pulls La'mani out of his hatred. And yet, Tanzy is entirely unfazed, and I think this speaks a lot to Arcanette's approach to manipulating people by appealing to their emotions. Unlike Ori, who is acting on her own alongside Oboro, and who isn't deeply connected to Arcanette or Claude (really, I'd argue Oboro is more using those two for his own game rather than the other way around), Tanzy gets pulled into this entire mess by Arcanette, who preys on Tanzy's grief. So I guess it's not surprising that Tanzy is entirely unfazed by the Song of Hope, because in a way the hope that Agnea could have given her has already been given to Tanzy by Arcanette, even if Arcanette's hope is a falsehood meant to manipulate Tanzy. Which is...really interesting, because really, Tanzy doesn't crave or desire the shadow the same way most of the other foils do. She's just in love with Arcanette bc Arcanette filled a void left by Tanzy's grief.

I dunno, Tanzy just seems really tragic.

This brings me to Partitio's final chapter, which is also really interesting for getting some insight into Ori. Because I think this is the only time we really see her mask slip for a second. Her little speech to Partitio before running to distract the guards with a fake stomach ache is just...really out of place compared to the mood of the rest of the chapter. Sadder music plays, and Ori acts like this is the last time she's going to see Partitio, despite wanting him to succeed.

There's also the whole "putting herself in harm's way for Partitio" thing which is...I dunno, interesting but concerning, because I get the sense that, like Oboro, Ori has this self-destructive streak at the start of the game. We even see this later after Roque pulls out the train to try and kill Partitio, and everyone but Ori and Partitio run away, and sure Ori says she wants to stay bc she "smells a big scoop" but her hesitation and some of the stuttering make it seem more like she was either too shocked by the train's appearance to react, or that she really planned to stay by Partitio and possibly die to protect him. And it's Partitio who talks her into saving herself and living, like he literally tells her to go and live.

And like! Between the fact that she actively involves herself with helping Partitio, that she has to act out the fight for hope and therefore actually gets a taste of trying to do good and actually being able to do good, that she gets to participate in hope, but also that Paritio shows that hope towards her, that he actively reaches out and tells her to live is just...! Especially after all she's gone through like, damn.

It makes sense she's the only one of the "order" of character foils who actually survives the events of the story, like. First there's the oddity that all the flames are extinguished via murder (Oboro kills Ageha, Petrichor is killed by the Darkling, Arcanette kills Tanzy), but then Ori has to go and kill herself to extinguish the flame, and while her attempt of the act is despairful enough to douse the flame, her desire to live because of how she's changed during her time with Partitio is enough to save her. She gets the second chance that was afforded to literally every single character in Partitio's story, and that's just, I dunno. That gets me, I guess. I'm really glad she gets that second chance.

Anyhow now I just have Temenos and Ochette's final chapters, and then I can wrap up the side quests and...well I think I'm gonna try fighting Vide before Galdera, bc as fun as it was to accidentally steamroll Vide for my first run, I would like a bit of a challenge this time around (and if it doesn't work I can always level-grind anyhow, since I do all my grinding at night bc of that one skill that increases JP and EXP acquisition at night). I think I'm gonna try walking around during the eternal night phase and actually talking to NPCs to see if there's any unique dialogue...maybe.

[kristoffs-lullaby]

I would like to hear more about this Prince of the Underworld AU, it sounds so interesting!

Thank you!! Ask and I shall deliver!

For anyone seeing this for the first time you can find the beginnings to this AU here: Prince of the Underworld AU Alright first things FIRST. Have this for the AU:

Alright so. In this AU, Lloyd grows up with both his parents at his side in the Underworld. But of course, the fact that the only humans, while growing up, he ever interacted with were the Lord of Darkness and History's Greatest Fan, he.. turned out a little weird. Well- weirder than intended.

I think that whenever he's not spending time trying to be a carbon copy of his father (something that Garmadon secretly finds disdain in because he doesn't want Lloyd trying to be something he isn't) he's off with his mom. Now, Misako wasn't all that thrilled with the idea of living in the Underworld. But for Lloyd's benefit (that being: letting him have his father in his life, she was willing to do it). As luck would have it, when they arrived she found it easy to occupy herself. She was enthralled with the Realm she never would have imagined herself ever traveling to. She'd read up on it a lot in her studies, of course, but none of it could have compared to what it actually was.

Lloyd accompanies her on her small self-planned expeditions around the Realm. They spend time recording the various locations, the different species that occupy the place from the Skulkin to the spiders to the lost souls of those that had failed to make their way to the Departed Realm for one reason or another and found themselves stuck here instead. They were a little different to the Skulkin, stuck there for the same reason, but without a true physical form like the Skeleton Army. Lloyd liked chatting with those spirits the most, they always had something interesting to say, but the Skulkin did make him laugh so they still got points for that. The souls are a little intimidated by him at first (because they've heard of the newly proclaimed King and his family) but once they see they mean them no harm they are happy to indulge him with stories about their lives before their demise. In the process of all of this, Lloyd did grow up pretty knowledgeable, though of course HIS specific knowledge would probably be deemed WEIRD in any other realm. Who else would know the intricate innerworkings of PURGATORY.

Deviating from this.. because I have THOUGHTS about growing up with his Dad.

So in canon, Lloyd tries to cover up the fact that he's nice or any form of "good" because all he knows about his father is that he's evil and he wants to be like him, I feel like in this AU things would be slightly different in that regard. Because he actually has his father around and can actually observe his person and the way he carries himself, he's not going around guessing to what degree his villainy might reach. So he sees that while, yes, his father IS hard on the Skulkin, he's does not act the same around him, his mom, or many of the other residents that don't belong to the Army (i.e. the wandering souls). In fact, he's more composed, less sarcastic, less demanding and his arrogance slips away from him instantly. Instead, he's kind and gentle and puts their worries before any of the plans he might be hatching out with his Army. Which is why, while Lloyd might still be as much a Gremlin as s1 Lloyd, he isn't actually ashamed and doesn't shy away from leaning into that side of himself that's GOOD and pure and genuine. Because his Father isn't with him and he sees that. And he's learned early on that he needed to be what his heart led him to be. He got the whole "You have a choice" tangent from his father early on. Though it was hard to break out of the habit of trying to measure up to him for a bit regardless.

Fun things:

- Lloyd likes pranking Samukai. Samukai's hatred of the kid grows but he's literally the ONLY ONE who hates him. (The other Skulkin help Lloyd sometimes)

- Lloyd goes spider Riding. It's like horse riding but with giant spiders. He challenges Kruncha and Nuckal to races ALL the time

- He made the Skulkin build him a mini fortress and sometimes he steals some of them away for a while to play Garmadon. He'll make some of them the "heroes that he squashes" and comes up with insane plans with the others and how he's gonna SQUASH EM! (ofc all pretend play. No Skulkin were harmed in the making of this game)

- Despite his mom's wishes, Lloyd under her nose made the Skulkin teach him how to drive their vehicles. Just imagine an 8 year old being able to drive stick with that huge ass car. Misako definitely chewed them out when she found out (this is the moment the Skulkin became more afraid of her than they were of Garmadon)

- The residents call Lloyd any honorifics they call Garmadon but with "Little" or "Jr." in front of/behind it. (ex. [Little/Jr.] Lord of [Destruction/Darkness])

-He made the Skulkin make him a cape just like his father's

- Courtesy of @l0on who suggested that Garmadon train Lloyd in the Underworld. I AGREE. Though I think that while Garmadon initially tries to teach him offensive moves, he quickly notices that Lloyd doesn't particularly enjoy hurting people?? Like he tries to act like he does because that's how the Skulkin train (rough and tough) but he's just not that into it. so Garmadon switches it up and primarily teaches him defensive moves (which parallels what he teaches him in s3 with the art of the silent fist ykyk) though he DOES slip in some sword lessons with fake weapons. And obviously teaches him Spinjitzu!! (Wu ran out of a job when he learns he already has a well trained green ninja)

- Courtesy of @theaceofarrows Lloyd DEFINTELY has a long and complicated handshake with some of the Skulkin. He's very proud of it actually and made his mom and dad watch it as if he single-handedly put on an elaborate play. I feel like he tries really hard to get Samukai to do it with him and he never budges.

[anthurak]

When Evil is NOT a Choice...

So I find myself pretty much unable to actually hate Cinder for who she is and what she has done. That is not to say I condone what she has done or think she has been in the right. Rather, when I think about why Cinder is the person she is.

Cinder is evil, yes. But not by choice.

Think back for a moment at the life we see Cinder live in the episode ‘Midnight’: From growing up in a brutal orphanage in Anima that was almost certainly part of a human trafficking operation, to being sold into slavery at an Atlisian hotel wherein she was constantly abused and exploited by the cruel owners for years. And through that time, Cinder had only one friend. A singular ray of hope that maybe, she might be free of her never-ending suffering in the form of the huntsman Rhodes. Until the one night when Cinder actually defended herself against her oppressors, the one time she actually fought back. Then Rhodes, Cinder’s only friend, turned against her. Leaving Cinder, once again, with no one.

And now, Cinder works under Salem. A woman who clearly sees Cinder as nothing more than a tool.

Throughout what seems to be her entire life, Cinder has been shown nothing but the absolute worst of humanity. Nothing but cruelty, pain, suffering, exploitation and evil. The ONLY time Cinder seems to have been shown genuine kindness and positive support was in the form of Rhodes, who then ripped that kindness away the moment Cinder did something he didn’t agree with.

Consider this: The closest thing Cinder has to a positive, supportive figure in her entire life is SALEM. And that has clearly only been because Salem is a masterful manipulator who has been expertly leveraging a ‘carrot and stick’ to ensure Cinder’s total loyalty. Just watch the end of ‘Midnight’ to see just how skillful a manipulator Salem is.

With all that in mind, can we really hate or even blame Cinder for turning out the way she did? Here we have a girl who seems to have NEVER been shown genuine love, kindness, compassion or even simple positivity in her entire life. And instead was shown nothing but cruelty, hate, pain and suffering. Is it any wonder then, that Cinder internalized all that cruelty and hate? What other choice did she have? Can we really blame someone for being cruel and hateful when they’ve literally known nothing else?

In short, Cinder is evil only because ‘Evil’ is all that she has ever known.

And now in the show currently, Cinder still doesn’t have a choice. Cinder might THINK she’s acting on her own will, but in truth she’s just an oblivious puppet dancing obediently on Salem’s strings. Not only that, but this volume gave us a VERY good idea as to the fate that is awaiting Cinder should she keep dancing to Salem’s tune.

Compare Cinder’s situation to someone like Adam. Like Cinder, Adam suffered horribly at the hands of cruel oppressors. But Adam got out. He escaped his oppressors in Atlas and made it to Menagerie. He had a chance, many chances actually, to let go of all that cruelty and hate. Instead, Adam chose to internalize the hatred and cruelty he suffered under to become the man we see in the show.

But Cinder? She hasn’t even gotten that chance yet. She’s STILL trapped, just as much as she once was by the Madam in that hotel. The only difference now is that the mistress controlling her has a far more deft and subtle hand, even if the grip holding Cinder is no less inescapable.

There is a great irony in the fact that the Maiden associated with the Relic of Choice is a girl who has never actually HAD a ‘choice’ in who she is. She’s never had a chance to be compassionate or kind because those are things she’s never known. And now Salem has expertly molded this writhing mass of trauma and self-internalized cruelty into a perfectly obedient and dependent tool.

For all that Cinder has done, I find myself unable to actually hate her for it or who she is. Because while other villains like Ironwood, Adam, Watts, Lionheart and Jacques at least had a chance to do good and made the CHOICE to do evil instead of good, it seems that Cinder has never gotten to make that choice.

It’s probably the biggest reason why I’m confident that Cinder is ultimately going to find some measure of redemption. Or at least won’t simply be killed off by Salem or our heroines. In a show so focused on optimism and defying cynical tropes like RWBY is, WHY would they make such a big deal out of its main recurring rival/antagonist being a villain who literally has never had a chance to be anything other than a villain, and then have her character meet the incredibly cynical end of ‘Eh, you just can’t help some people’ and simply kill her off?

Yeah, that is NOT the kind of show RWBY is.

[mylordshesacactus]

Do you have any particular trends, themes or broad concepts that seem to run through your OCs?

lmao im being CALLED OUT

let's see. off the top of my head.

There's:

Benevolence ("Benny"), my tiefling bard, who's my only actual Lawful Good character because her father (the uh, former high priest of Tiamat, shh) taught her his ethical code and she cleaves to those Three Rules the way some people cleave to their gods. You know. The girl who views the world through an unwavering lens of power--who has it, who doesn't, how they use it. How they don't. Who flies into a seething rage when anyone abuses their power.

Sedge Burdock, whose life is lived by the words of the uncle who raised her: Cruelty dies in daylight.

Rinda Broadstone, founding member of Paladins Against Parasocial Relationships because there is no ethical way to be a paladin unless you're willing, at any moment, to walk away and lose the blessing of your god forever if they ask you to do something that's morally wrong. She also adopted her late sister's five children with zero warning and no time to prepare solely to prevent their abusive father from claiming custody after their mother died.

Atri, ranger-cleric of the Raven Queen, Order of the Breaker of Chains, whose entire religious purpose is uplifting the powerless and checking the powerful.

Ihz, the antisocial mule courier and dog trainer who silently, stubbornly dedicated her life to caring for the Forsaken--who compares the way the living have treated them to a whipped dog, who learns to bite hard and on sight because it's been abused and its warnings and requests for space ignored for so long that there was no other way to keep itself safe.

Talet, the werewolf rogue who adopted a traumatized teenage bard on sight, and refuses to kill on orders or to kill her personal enemies even when she can get away with it, because wanting something doesn't give you the right to take it.

Velshada Wolfsong, gifted kid burnout extraordinaire, mage prodigy who was pushed too hard too young by her well-meaning mother and teachers until she completely lost control of her powers, broke and ran away, and had a long and difficult journey to heal from her trauma in the care of an adult who treated her like the teenager she is and taught her to value things about herself other than her magical abilities.

Levaden Mountaincall, self-taught feral druid who refuses to join a Circle because she feels they value Preserving The Natural Order above saving lives and is furious that they treat "people" as the opposite of nature, rather than an integral part of it. Whose motto is "Sometimes the point of a fight is to have it. if you're only willing to fight for something when you think you can win, then you don't really care. Someone has to be willing to lock antlers with you."

Beverly Hale, the file clerk/assassin whose life's work is meticulously reconstructing the legal system of the Kingdom of Lordaeron so that she can figure out who inherited its debts and sue them for the 1500 gold Arthas Menethil owes her for destroying her apartment right after she put down the first month's rent. Yes, he also murdered her, but SHE came back and her GODDAMN MONEY hasn't. Also, she's unionizing the Val'kyr.

THERE IS NOOOO STRONG THROUGHLINE HERE NNNNNOPE.

I am COMPLETELY capable of creating RPG characters who are not defined by a searing hatred for abuse of power, a fierce undying belief in a duty of care, a bullheaded "no, you move" brand of understated defiance, and, if standing in front of literally any trauma victim, the willingness to dig in their heels and fight god rather than give an inch.

[where-theres-smoak-2]

Good point, Smoak, about how the Alina that Mal reunited with was much more like her younger self prior to her suppressing her powers (truest self) for HIM. I think as they grew older and Mal basically became the former Nerd that got hot and popular in high school, Alina felt like she had tone herself down in order to be more like the type of fawning girl he seemed to want. She still had her fire (ex.punching out her racist commander), but she didn't fully embrace it again until she met Aleks.

(Trigger Warning: Racism)

Oh god the nerd to hot popular kid comparison!! I never thought of it that way before but that really is what happened isn't it lol. I do agree with you though that it seems like as M*l got more popular and confident Alina did the opposite and became meeker and less confident. Which is interesting and I do wonder why she did that. I do think maybe you could be right that some of it is that she liked M*l so tried to tone herself down to fit more with the type of girl he likes. But I also wonder if some of it was due to that racism she faced. I read an interview where the show producers talked about how M*l didn't face the same racism as Alina because he could pass as Ravkan. It was different for Alina because she looks Shu Han. I can't help but wonder if part of the reason why she became a bit meeker and quieter was because she learnt that if she stayed quiet and kind of out of sight as much as possible she wouldn't be subjected to as much racist comments and treatment. Like she learnt not to draw attention to herself as a protective measure. But, as you pointed out, Alina still had some of her fire and there were times when that side of her, her true self so to speak, would come out, like when she punched out the commander or when she immediately challenged and refused to be intimidated by Aleks.

I think it was because of that immediate connection that she felt with Aleks that she was able to feel more comfortable being her true self, she knew he wouldn't judge her. I also think being at the LP helped her become her true self because she was accepted there, the grisha have a environment where it doesn't matter where you come from or what race you are, if you are grisha you are one of them and you are welcomed. I think this was a very healthy environment for Alina to be in after the one she lived in the First Army. I feel like in the First Army she was mostly faced with people's hatred and racism with only a few people who befriended her. The LP was the reverse of that, most people befriended and welcomed her and only one or two were antagonistic or racist towards her.

There is something else that I think is significant and that's the consequences those who were racist/antagonistic towards her faced in the First Army compared to the Grisha. When that commander was racist towards her and she retaliated by hitting him, she was punished but he faced no consequences for what he said to her. But at the LP when Zoya attacked Alina during their sparring match Aleks responded by sending Zoya away. I think this would have made Alina feel supported for the first time, but also like Aleks had her back. The same can be said for when the maid made the comment about changing Alina's eyes, Genya again immediately sends them away. From the very start Alina is defended by two people she's just met, one who is a superior officer, whereas before she only really had M*l who would stick up for her. She learns that the behaviour she had become accustomed to in the First Army was not something that would be tolerated in the LP. I think that went a long way to making Alina feel safe and like she could just be herself.

[idreamtofmanderleyagain]

Hot takes about Severus Snape are a wierdly decent glimpse into how a person with progressive values analyses things. Literally every time someone talks about Snape, it’s like this tiny window into how one-dimentionally people actually think.

Recently saw a twitter post that was a fantastic example. Here’s how it goes (paraphrasing):

Person A:“Snape is POC and Queer coded, that’s why you guy’s hate him uwu lol.”

Person B: “Actually I hate him because he was mean and abusive to children under his care uwu but go off I guess lol”

Both of these takes are designed to be dramatic and/or reactionary. They each use partial truths to paint very broad strokes. These are get-em-in-one-hit quips. This is virtue signalling, if you’ll excuse that loaded phrase. Nobody had a substantial conversation, but now everyone who sees their statement knows the high ground they took.

At least a hundred other people chimed in to add their own little quippy hot takes into play, none of which add anything significant, but clearly made everyone feel very highly of themselves.

So many layers of nuance and complex analysis is completely lost in this kind of discussion. On tumblr, you get more of this kind of bullshit, but you don’t have a word count limit, so you guys just spew endless mountains of weak overblown evidence backing up your bullshit arguments, none of which was really about engaging in a real conversation anyway.

Here’s the thing about Snape.

He is a childhood domestic abuse victim. His abuser is a muggle.

He becomes a student at a magical school that takes him away from his abuser and immediately instills in him the idea that being a part of this magical world is a badge of self-worth, empowerment, and provides safety and security - provided that he keeps in line.

There is a war is being waged in that world over his right to exist (he is a half blood).

He is a marginalized person within the context of the narrative, forced to constantly be in the same living space as the children of his own oppressors who are being groomed and recruited into a hate group militia (the pureblood slytherins). They are in turn trying to do the same to him.

He is marginalized person bullied by children who are also part of his oppressor group, but who have “more liberal” leanings and aren’t direct about why he’s being targeted (the mauraders are all purebloods, Sirius, who was the worst offender, was raised in a bigoted household, the same one that produced Bellatrix.).

He had a crush on a girl who is a muggleborn, and therefore she is considered even lesser than him and carries a stigma to those who associate with her. That girl was his only real friend. In his entire life.

For both Snape and Lily, allying themselves to a pureblood clique within their own houses would be a great way of shielding themselves from a measure of the bigotry they were probably facing. There would have been obvious pressure from those cliques to disconnect with one and other.

Every other person who associates with Snape in his adulthood carries some sort of sociopolitical or workplace (or hate cult) baggage with their association. Some of them will physically harm and/or kill him if he steps out of line. He hasn’t at any point had the right environment to heal and adjust from these childhood experiences. Even his relationship with Dumbledore is charged with constant baggage, including the purebloods who almost killed him during their bullying getting a slap on the wrist, the werewolf that almost killed him as a child being placed in an authority position over new children, etc. Dumbledore is canonically manipulative no matter his good qualities, and he has literally been manipulating Snape for years in order to cultivate a necessary asset in the war.

He is a person who is not in the stable mental state necessary to be teaching children, whom has been forced to teach children. While also playing the role of double agent against the hate group militia, the one that will literally torture you for mistakes or backtalk or just for fun. The one that will torture and kill him if he makes one wrong move.

Is the math clicking yet? From all of this, it’s not difficult to see how everything shitty about Snape was cultivated for him by his environment. Snape was not given great options. Snape made amazingly awful choices, and also some amazingly difficult, courageous ones. Snape was ultimately a human who had an extremely bad life, in which his options were incredibly grim and limited.

In fact, pretty much every point people make about how shitty Snape is as a person makes 100% logical sense as something that would emerge from how he was treated. Some if it he’s kind of right about, some of it is the inevitable reality of suffering, and some of it is part of the cycle of abuse and harm.

Even Snape’s emotional obsession with Lily makes logical sense when you have the perspective that he literally has no substantial positive experiences with other human beings that we know of, and he has an extreme, soul destroying guilt complex over her death. Calling him an Incel mysoginist nice guy projects a real-world political ideology and behavior that does not really apply to the context of what happened to him and her.

Even Snape’s specific little acts of cruelty to certain students is a reflection of his own life experiences. He identifies with Neville; more specifically, he identifies his own percieved emotional weaknesses in his childhood in Neville. There’s a very sad reason there why he feels the urge to be so harsh.

Snape very clearly hates himself, in a world where everyone else hates him, too. Imagine that, for a second. Imagine total internal and external hatred, an yearning for just a little bit of true connection. For years. Imagine then also trying to save that world, even if it’s motivated by guilt. Even if nobody ever knows you did it and you expect to die a miserable death alone.

There are more elements here to consider, including the way Rowling described his looks (there may be something in there re: ugliness and swarthy stereotyping). These are just the things that stand out the most prominently to me.

J.K. Rowling is clearly also not reliable as an imparter of moral or sociopolitical philosophies. I don’t feel that her grasp of minority experiences is a solid one, considering how she picks and chooses who is acceptable and who is a threat.

All of that said, this is a logically consistent character arc. Within the context of his narrative, Snape is a marginalized person with severe PTSD and emotional instability issues who has absolutely no room available to him for self-improvement or healing, and never really has. And yes, he’s also mean, and caustic, and verbally abusive to the students. He’s also a completey miserable, lonely person.

There are elements in his character arc that mirror real world experiences quite well. If nothing else, Rowling is enough of an emotional adult to recognise these kinds of things and portray something that feels authentic.

In my opinion, it’s not appropriate to whittle all this down by comparing him directly to the real world experiences of marginalized groups - at least if you are not a part of the group you are comparing him to. There have been many individuals who have compared his arc to their own personal experiences of marginalization, and that is valid. But generally speaking, comparing a white straight dude to people who are not that can often be pretty offensive. This is not a valuable way to discuss either subject.

Also, I believe that while it’s perfectly okay to not like Snape as a character, many of the people who act like Person B are carrying Harry’s childhood POV about Snape in their hearts well into their own adulthood. And if nothing else, Rowling was attempting to say something here about how our perspectives (should) grow and change as we emotionally mature.  She doesn’t have to be a good person herself to have expressed something true about the world in this instance, and since this story is a part of our popular culture, people have a right to feel whatever way they do about this story and it’s characters.

The complexity of this particular snapshot of fictionalized marginalization, and what it reveals about the human experience, cannot be reduced down to “he’s an abuser so he’s not worth anyone’s time/you are bad for liking him.”

And to be honest, I think that it reveals a lot about many of us in progressive spaces, particularly those of us who less marginalized but very loud about our values, that we refuse to engage with these complexities in leu of totally condemning him. Particularly because a lot of the elements I listed above are indeed reflected in real world examples of people who have experienced marginalization and thus had to deal with the resulting emotional damage, an mental illness, and behavior troubles, and bad decisions. Our inability to address the full scope of this may be a good reflection of how we are handling the complexity of real world examples.

Real people are not perfect angels in their victimhood. They are just humans who are victims, and we all have the capacity to be cruel and abusive in a world where we have been given cruelty and abuse. This is just a part of existing. If you cannot sympathise with that, or at least grasp it and aknowledge it and respect the people who are emotionally drawn to a character who refects that, then you may be telling on yourself to be honest.

To be honest, this is especially true if you hate Snape but just really, really love the Mauraduers. You have a right to those feelings, but if you are moralizing this and judging others for liking Snape, you’ve confessed to something about how you’ve mentally constructed your personal values in a way I don’t think you’ve fully grasped yet.

I have a hard time imagining a mindset where a story like Snape’s does not move one to empathy and vicarious grief, if I’m honest. I feel like some people really just cannot be bothered to imagine themselves in other people’s shoes, feeling what they feel and living like they live. I struggle to trust the social politics of people who show these kinds of colors, tbh.

But maybe that’s just me.

[willel]

I feel like that's why some people might dislike or find it hard to sympathize with mike because most of his arcs or conflicts revolve around/half to do with another person who's usually shown having a hard time for whatever reason. I really wanted him to get vecna'd in v2 so we could see more of his own internal feelings, conflicts, hardships, fears and how he would react to being in a situation like that in general since compared to other characters we don't get to see that a lot with him

There were quite a lot of "Mike gets vecna'd" theories in the Will Byers tag (please allow me to spill a little bit of my saltiness about the Will Byers tag being halfway filled with posts about Michael Wheeler even though Michael Wheeler has his own Michael Wheeler tag. Now see here Michael Wheeler, you are too tall to be William Byers so please stay in your own tag thank you)

I don't really see a point in Mike getting vecna'd. At least, not in the way that Max and the other victims were. What guilt is Mike carrying? What self-hatred does he have? How has he been personally harmed/traumatized?

I'm not downplaying his fears of losing the people he loves or being inadequate and useless, but those don't really seem to fit Vecna's MO. I wouldn't really say Mike is suffering from guilt or self loathing, not in the way the other victims are. Even Nancy's guilt over Barb wasn't enough to make her a prime target, just a messenger. See what I mean?

We've been following Mike's story all these years, there's nothing particularly new Vecna could show us about Mike that we don't already know.

We know Max's step brother died. We know she was feeling a certain way about it. We saw her distancing herself from her friends and Lucas. We saw how much her living situation has deteriorated and her struggling in school.

Mike, in comparison, still has a stable home life and is living as an average teenager even with a bit of bullying and being a nerd. He's like... SO squeaky clean compared to his friends at this point that I can't help but feel like it's being done on purpose.

El, Will, Dustin, and Lucas (and Max of course) have all lost someone very close to them now. Like, really lost them. Craddled their dead bodies in their arms and/or sits with their comatose body every day. (not to mention Lucas having to face various forms of racism over the years) It's almost like a reverse of season 2.

Right now, I imagine Mike as an anchor. An anchor to normalcy and relatively carefree life. The "normal" one. The only one with eyes unclouded with grief and pain. The one who can't be lead astray because his heart is untainted.

What if that is Mike's role? To be the tether the party needs to escape the darkness? Not in a "MIKE IS OUR SAVIOUR" kind of way. But the one who will slap them all awake when they need it most kind of way. The lifeline kind of way, holding the rope and dragging them all back one by one cause he's the one that's "harder to trick".

Know what I mean?

While I would've liked to get down deep into Mike's head and find all his trauma, I don't think there IS much trauma there, not the kind of trauma the main baddie likes to capitalize on.

If this is Mike's role, I can see why the audience sympathizes more with characters like El. Will, and Max. Part of the point of their characters is to suffer. A lot.

But maybe the point of Mike's character is that he doesn't suffer, and that's why he can save them all?

[miyanom]

DEVILS PARADISE (part one)

MASTERLIST | JEAN KIRSTEIN X FEM!READER

synopsis: growing up in marley, y/n learnt the devils of paradis are her greatest enemy. though they shared the blood running through her veins, their mere existence led to constant discrimination against y/n’s people. knowing all of this, y/n enlists in the marleyan warrior program; a program designed to turn eldians like herself into titan shifters. however, joining the program leads y/n to the devil’s paradise, and she realises the truth marley so desperately hid from them.

warnings: spoilers for season 4, blood and violence. reader has hair long enough to be tied up, but only in a flashback.

notes: i’m leaning toward this being a 5 part series at most with jean as the love interest, but i’m not too sure, it might be shorter or longer than that!

word count: 2506

"When you become a Marleyan Warrior, you'll make all of us proud here in Liberio, Y/N." Her mother spoke, pulling the child's hair back as she tied it with a crimson red ribbon. "You'll show them that we aren't like those island devils."

Her mother spoke with disgust as she mentioned the Eldian devils of Paradis. By now, Y/N knew to keep silent and agree with her mother about everything.

"You'll become one of the Warriors for me, won't you, Y/N?" She glanced down at her daughter, a stern expression on her face.

Y/N nodded her head, smiling up at her mother. "Of course."

It was a decision completely out of Y/N's hands, she could only train as hard as she could and hope for the best. But in her mother's eyes, the best just wasn't good enough. It was never good enough.

Looking back, Y/N could hear the words "this is the only way" repeating in her head over and over again until she began to agree with it too.

The only way for the Marleyans to see her family as just a little bit more human, was if Y/N were to become one of the warriors.

Earning that red band and becoming honorary Marleyans was the only way to be happy.

Y/N leaned against the wall of the courtyard her and the others in her Warrior training unit were waiting in. The tip of her shoe digging into the ground in front of her as she stayed buried within her thoughts.

With the previous warriors terms coming to an end, she had heard from the army that she was a prime candidate for one of the Titans, it was almost guaranteed at this point considering the Warrior unit had been narrowed down to the 8 of them.

But soon, one of them would be left behind, while the others are turned to Titan shifters.

“Did you guys hear? We’re attacking Paradis Island in just a few years,” Zeke spoke from where he was sitting, before chucking an apple in Marcel’s direction.

“Huh?” Y/N breathed out, raising her head to look over at the older man.

“It’s almost time for us to inherit Titans,” Zeke continued. “Out of the eight of us, they’re picking seven!”

Y/N looked back at the ground for a moment, the 10 year old’s shoulders becoming stiff. Yes, she was almost guaranteed to receive a Titan, but if something happened and she failed to earn the title of honorary marleyan’s for her family…

“Yes! I can finally be Marleyan!” Reiner spoke excitedly.

“Huh? Why so excited?” Porco glanced over at him. “If anyone’s the worst, it’s you.”

Reiner’s head snapped in the boy’s direction, his hands clenched into fists. “Excuse me?!”

“What’s your strong point?” Porco continued. “Your strength? Your brains? Your aim? Combat ability? Nope. The only value they see in you is your loyalty to Marley.”

Y/N kept her gaze off the two boys, knowing Porco was right. The only thing that made Reiner appealing to Marley was his unrelenting loyalty.

One day, that wouldn’t be enough.

“I’ll slaughter the island devils real good for you, sir!” Porco mocked.

Reiner stepped forward, grabbing Porco’s wrist, causing the boy to drop the apple he was holding. “You making fun of our mission?! Or maybe you’re a stray Restorationist?! You are, aren’t you?! I’ll report you to the Commander!”

“Report this, you little shit!”

When Y/N finally lifted her head, Reiner was already on the ground. And Marcel was holding his brother back from attacking the boy again.

“Hating the island doesn’t make you special!” Porco told him. “Have fun waiting 13 years alone!”

Knocking his brother away, Porco began to storm off, causing Zeke to finally stand up. “Let’s go, Pieck, Y/N.” He spared a quick glance at the girls standing near him.

Pieck, older by just a few small years, was much like a sister to Y/N. Looking out for her during their time in the program despite the fact they were possibly competing for a place.

The raven haired girl took Y/N’s hand, gently pulling her along to follow after Zeke. It was a habit Pieck had taken up after noticing Y/N’s tendency to space out when things got too quiet.

“Don’t cry too long or the Commander will chew me out,” Zeke called back to Reiner, who remained in the dirt.

Y/N glanced over her shoulder as Pieck continued to pull her along, her eyes falling onto Reiner as Bertholdt helped him onto his feet.

Becoming a Warrior was a privilege, Y/N knew that. But why would anyone want to shorten their life to a 13 year term dedicated to fighting Marley’s enemies?

Y/N didn’t want to die in 13 years, she’d rather take the hatred from Marley for the rest of her life, like many others had done before her.

If she had a choice, that was exactly what she would do. But it was too late now.

In a few years, she would be an official Marleyan Warrior, headed for the devil’s island to attack their self imposed century long quarantine.

Y/N’s eyes flickered up to the sky, as a bird flew overhead leaving her to wonder what the island devils were doing in this moment.

Did they really deserve what was coming?

The weeks leading up to Y/N being sent to Paradis all passed by in a blur, whether it was the shock of finally being an honorary Marleyan or the memories of the former host that kept her awake at night, Y/N wasn’t sure.

All she knew was that she was on Paradis Island, headed with Reiner, Annie, Bertholdt and Marcel to break through the wall that kept the devils safe from the Titans Marley had filled the island with over the past century.

Did they really deserve what was coming? Did they deserve it? Did they-

“Y/N, can you?” Bertholdt held the can in Y/N’s direction as he whispered.

Y/N carefully took the unopened can of food from his shaky hands, peeling it open before handing it back. She had been doing it for him the past few nights, his hands too shaky to even open a simple can as it came closer and closer to the day he would kick through the wall.

It couldn’t be easy being the successor for the Colossal Titan, a god of death.

“You alright?” Y/N questioned quietly, taking note of the fear in his eyes.

Bertholdt quickly averted his gaze, letting out a hum as he nodded his head.

He was always quiet like this, and Y/N found it oddly calming. It was a nice difference when compared to the louder members of their unit back in Marley.

It was nice because it reminded her of Pieck, who had stayed behind with Zeke to protect Marley while the others attacked Paradis.

“We didn’t cover much ground tonight,” Marcel commented as he poked at the fire with a stick.

“Can’t do much about the clouds.”

“Will the King really not use the Founding Titan, even if we break the wall?” Bertholdt asked, remembering what they had been told in preparation for their mission.

“What’s the use asking now?” Reiner glanced at him. “Trust Marley’s research.”

Y/N stares at the fire in front of her, one hand coming up to rest against her forearm, right where the material band showing her status would be sitting if she were back in Marley.

It felt weird to not have that constant reminder that she was nothing but Titan shifting scum.

“That’s right. We can’t turn back,” Marcel nodded. “Tomorrow, we reach the wall… and then…”

Y/N remained silent, a shaky breath falling from her lips. Right, tomorrow they would be breaking through the Wall. They’d come face to face with the people they were sent to kill.

It’s not like they haven’t done it before, they were sent to destroy an enemy base as part of their Titan training.

But those people had been actively trying to harm Marley… the devils hadn’t done that in over a century.

Reiner’s eyes scanned the group, a shocked expression painted over his face. “Huh? What? Are you having second thoughts about killing the devils? Have you forgotten what they’ve done?!”

Y/N hugged her legs close to her chest, refusing to look in Reiner’s direction or answer his question.

It was impossible to forget the sins of the Eldians, it had been drilled into their heads for years now, after all.

Reiner stood up quickly. “We’re the world’s chosen Warriors sent to punish the island devils!”

Marcel averted his gaze. “I’m sorry.”

“Huh?”

“Reiner, I’m sorry. You were never meant to be chosen as a Warrior,” Marcel continued.

Y/N’s head shot in the boy’s direction, her eyes widened. She couldn’t say it was a surprise, no, Reiner was the weakest of the warriors in their unit.

Maybe it was a shock?

Marcel’s voice came out like it hurt him to finally admit it. “I talked you up and criticised my brother to influence their decision. I… just want to protect my brother.”

Tears began to fall from his eyes. “I’m sorry, Reiner… I’m sorry!”

Y/N turned to see Reiner’s frozen form, unmoving and engulfed by shock— it was the same thing he did when he watched Marcel get eaten by a Titan.

Frozen, unmoving, and engulfed by shock.

Y/N could still hear Marcel’s screaming, as the other warriors ran for their lives.

Her chest felt heavy as they finally came to a stop, her knees giving out beneath her as she fell to the grass. Teardrops falling against her clenched fists.

How long had she been crying for?

She couldn’t tell, not when she was too focused on escaping the mindless titan that devoured Marcel before their very eyes.

She choked back the sob that threatened to fall from her lips as she realised what they had done; they could’ve saved Marcel, they should’ve saved Marcel, but they ran.

And they lost the Jaw Titan.

Marley was going to kill them, they weren’t even going to reach the end of their 13 year term. They were going to die for failing the mission before even reaching the walls.

Would it even be worth it if they came back with the Founding Titan but not the Jaw Titan? They’d still be left with the same number as before.

Y/N’s eyes widened when she felt a hand press against her back, though she relaxed just slightly as she realised it was Bertholdt.

He looked just as terrified as her.

As Annie caught up to the group, she immediately kicked Reiner, causing the boy to start screaming as he moved away in fear.

“Not bad,” Annie spoke, her voice coming out almost breathlessly from the running. “This is a first. You actually beat me… in a long distance race…”

Y/N wiped her tears away as she pushed herself up, looking back in the direction they had come from.

“If we took out that Titan we wouldn’t have lost Jaw,” Annie told Reiner. “Shit! Now Marcel’s gone for good.”

“They said there wouldn’t be Titans this far out,” Reiner whispered.

“We’ve gotta go home,” Annie averted her gaze. “Let’s find Jaw and leave. They would’ve changed back to human. Besides, without Marcel to lead, this mission is doomed.”

“Do you… do you think they’ll just come willingly?” Y/N breathed out, still trying to catch her breath.

Though just as Y/N moved to follow Annie, Reiner began to yell. “We can’t!”

Y/N turned around, her eyes widening as Reiner held his outstretched hand in their direction. “We can’t go home! We’ve gotta continue the mission!”

“Oh, yeah…” Annie’s eyes narrowed in his direction for a moment. “If we go back now, you’ll just get eaten by the next Warrior.”

Reiner began nodding his head.

Y/N looked away from the boy, biting her trembling lip gently. Porco was the next warrior… he would see Reiner’s memories, see his brother getting eaten…

“You think only I will?” Reiner spoke up, causing the other three to turn back to him. “That only I’ll get the blame for running away? You guys are certain you won’t get eaten, too?”

Y/N swallowed the lump forming in the back of her dried throat, an uneasy feeling returning to the pit of her stomach as she stared at Reiner’s grim face.

“Catching Jaw won’t be easy either. If they used its power and ran, our titans could never catch up.”

“They can’t control it right after becoming-”

“You controlled the Colossal Titan, no problem!” Reiner cut Bertholdt off. “Anyways, we’re doomed at this rate! Without the Founding Titan, there’s no going home!”

He was right, Y/N realised. None of them could catch up with the Jaw Titan, and if they returned empty handed, they would all die.

“Back there, if you were a fraction as calm as you are now, we wouldn’t have lost Marcel or Jaw,” Annie stated. “But you’ve got no problem intimidating us to save your own ass, huh?!”

Walking back toward Reiner, she let out a shout as she kicked the boy in the face, sending him flying backward onto the ground.

“How about you come clean to Magath?! Tell him, “it’s all my fault!” Honorary Marleyan, my ass!” She shouted, continually kicking him over and over again. “Chosen warrior, my ass! Marleyans, Eldians! They’re all liars! Everyone only thinks about themselves!”

Y/N remained silent, knowing Annie was right. The predicament they were in now could’ve been avoided had Reiner remained calm back then.

Marcel died saving him, after all.

If Reiner had just sucked it up, if he just didn’t let what Marcel said get to him, they would’ve been long gone before the Titan even woke up from its slumber.

“Should we… should we stop her?” Bertholdt glanced at Y/N.

Y/N stared at Annie who kept kicking Reiner in her anger, before she looked to Bertholdt and shook her head. “Annie’s right.”

“If you feel guilty, just die! Take all the blame and die!”

With that, Annie began to walk away, leaving Reiner face first on the ground, blood pooling on the grass beneath his face.

A perk of being a Titan shifter was that they could all heal from wounds like that.

Y/N’s eyes widened as Reiner pushed himself up, jumping at Annie and holding her in a headlock. “Reiner is dead,” he spoke. “If we need Marcel, then I’ll be Marcel.”

Y/N’s throat went dry once more as she stared at Reiner in fear, her hands shaking at her sides.

“Please, stop this…” Bertholdt muttered, tears falling from his eyes as he watched.

“This is the only way we’ll be able to go back home!” Reiner kept his grip on Annie. “Let’s go back… together… to our hometown!”