#not related to the suicide tag

[swifty-fox]

okay so I’m not going to go into any details here but I just finished “what comes after” and oh. my. god. you captured the feelings of the person on the other end perfectly.

for me it wasn’t anyone as close as a husband, and I wasn’t there to see it, but they texted me one evening and I swear I just knew. and I knew they were in a pretty bad place, but I don’t think anyone had realized just how bad, and I have so many mixed feelings about all of it? And you somehow managed to write that and make it so tragic and so beautiful and. I don’t even know what I’m trying to say here. I guess I just wanted to say thank you? Thank you for treating the subject so delicately and so fairly and thank you for adding the part about Curt and how he’s there to help and I know it’s “just” fanfiction, but I need you to know how much of an impact it had on me.

so. yeah. thank you. and I’m sorry to spring this on you just like this (if it makes you uncomfortable I’m so sorry! please don’t feel like you have to respond!), I swear I’m not saying any of this to make you feel bad for me or anything. my friend is in a much better place and everything is okay. call this the incoherent ramblings of a person who should’ve gone to bed hours ago now. thank you. thank you thank you thank you thank you <3

theres three experiences in my life I pulled from for this fic

my little brother has been to a psych ward three times in my life, two in the last two years. The second time (March 2023) he called me the day before in great spirits and laughing about a childhood memory. Next day I receive a call that He's going to the hospital, drugs were involved but nobody knew anything more because he's an adult. We heard no news, couldn't contact him for Three Days. We had no idea what happened or how bad things were.

In the aftermath my baby sister and I had to drive into the city to pick his car up and bring it to my parents. She's a freshman in college and was too young to really remember my brothers first time in (I was twenty and she was twelve) and so I had to be the older sibling and tell her to rely on me. To brace herself that this probably would not be the end of the storyline with his mental health issues and she had to make peace with it and to protect herself how she could while still being there for him. I had to put my shit aside for my her and my mom and my dad. Had to be Gale.

At the same time I was fresh off a devastating breakup. I reached out that night to the ex because I thought we were still friends and got brushed off. While driving to get that damn car all i wanted was what my brain thought was my ride or die support system to be there helping me through this. All i wanted was a Curt and I didn't have one. So i gave Gale what i needed via Curt. Someone to pick up the pieces.

My grandmother passed away due to complications from colon cancer in 2020. She came down with an infection that ate away her intestines to nothing in the span of a weekend. I sat on the phone with her six states away as she lay dying on her bathroom floor. My Grandma who was my best friend my namesake wordlessly crying in my ear from pain. And I just remember thinking nobody fucking gave me the instruction manual for this. I went to bed once the ambulance came, thinking she would be okay. And by the time I woke up she was gone. And I've worked my feelings of that out through a previous fic but I definitely reached back into that experience to remember that headspace

I've been on both ends. I almost ended my life several times last year and I'm really fuckin glad I didn't cause I am having so much fun with you guys

[silusvesuius]

nnnnnnnnnnnnno maa'am

[ghastlyaffairs]

for something as trivial and simple those feelings sure are hard to get rid of

also made a gif a version for fun + alt version with no tears under the cut

the gif is in very low resolution...this is a feature (i could make it bigger but that would require saving each frame individually and than glueing it all together. also i feel like low resolution suits it better. aesthetically and fits the mood)

[mymiserablediaries]

There is an ache in my heart for the imagined beauty of a life I haven't had, from which I had been locked out, and it never goes away.

[ohmerricat]

i hope ruby gets a well-that’s-alright-then-style notdeath. on the one hand it will make haters mad because oh no not another companion with an impermanent end (and i like to see haters mad) on the other it would require creativity to depict this in a new way + i love all the implications i love the dark fairytale quality of these companion exits i love my un-undead schrodinger’s women

with the way the legend of ruby sunday is titled… legends aren’t usually told about living people. legends are stories of the bygone past, of an age long since over, fictionalised and overgrown with folklore like barnacles sticking to an abandoned shell. there is such a thing as a living legend, but they’re exceedingly rare. the unmistakeable raven’s call in the 73 yards teaser, the trailer’s cut to fifteen crying alone after promising to cherry he’d protect her daughter�� the foreshadowing is clear as day…

and yet. there’s one massive HOWEVER. ruby appears in s15: millie’s been spotted on set filming it. which leads me to believe — the doctor isn’t one to take the time travel route and revisit companions that in his future are genuinely dead. that would hurt too much, it would cause unnecessary trauma and could break the timeline. that must mean ruby stays alive in some way. ish. she’s alive and a legend and a mystery. girl-ballad girl-song girl-paradox

here she is, fading out.

p.s.: thesis statement on moffatgirls from the tags i left on somebody else’s post about charley pollard.. well it belongs here since it’s basically the semiotic hurricane swirling around ruby at the moment :)

[menlove]

listening to songs u contemplated killing urself to in high school like ah yes that's my best friend my good pal and buddy. it's such a weird nostalgia

[baambied]

"this summer is gonna be so good!!" me all summer:

[shakaprio]

i feel my ingrown toenail, my hair is oily, idk what to wear, my alarm goes off in an hour

[kaidanalenkosprmanager]

THE BEST OF SHENKO 1/?

The end of the world has a way of reminding you of all the things you forgot to say do. Mass Effect: Legendary Edition (2021)

[i-dreamed-i-had-a-son]

“because he never accepts that it's never been about righteousness--it's about repentance.” except javert killing himself IS repentance.

well, it’s like 12 different things, because bro had gone days without sleeping and very little food and water and he already had low self-worth and kept asking the amis to kill him and just assumed he was going to die AND THEN valjean upended his understanding of the world and morality. he was really going through it & there are a lot of overlapping reasons for why he jumps into the seine.

but javert is like Number One Most Responsible guy in the whole story. taking responsibility is his Thing (forever bitter the musical doesn’t include the punish me monsieur le maire scene). how else, in his derailment, could he atone for his conceived misdeeds other than by handing in his resignation to god? in the brick he had already left a note urging his superiors to treat convicts at toulon better, which is another step in his repentance (and another crime the musical commits by not including it). jumping into the seine was another step.

honestly a lot of ppl who like the book think the musical was dead wrong to exclude him from the big heaven group sing, because it COMPLETELY undermines the themes of forgiveness and compassion threaded throughout les mis. like the musical was simply wrong lol.

This is helpful context! I am still finishing the brick, although I have fully read the abridged version, and that detail about the letter wasn't included, so I didn't know that occurred! (And thank you for the message--this is a long response but I'd love to hear more of your thoughts!)

I agree that Javert is certainly deeply distraught and remorseful; like you mentioned, his worldview is literally falling apart, and his actions reflect his mental state. But his death isn't really repentance--in the sense that it's not what God would have wanted. To me it reads like a Judas situation: a desperate realization of a huge mistake, and doing the only thing you think can make it right, namely, ending it all. That's the just punishment for someone so wrong, isn't it?

But true repentance, meaning the repentance that the Lord desires, is about changing your ways, not "paying a price." Had Javert really understood the beauty of Valjean's mercy (an image of Christ's, just as the bishop's undeserved mercy was to Valjean himself), rather than killing himself, he would have lived to also become "an honest man"--in heart. One who could forgive and understand forgiveness, for himself as well as others. One who could recognize that he is not The Law, that he can fall, but that he can also be "brought to the light." One who could accept that men like Valjean, and men like himself, CAN change, and be changed.

It's tragic to me because so much of "Stars," and his character in the book as well as the musical, is about wanting to be righteous, to rise above his birth and the sinfulness he associates it with. It's about wanting to please the Lord by his actions. But in his end, he shows he never understood what God really wanted from him, and that's where my original phrase comes in: not righteousness, but repentance. To live, and face the man you were, knowing it's no longer the man you are. That it's never been about what you've done or can do, but about what's been done for you. That's the Gospel that he could never fully accept.

To use another example you mentioned, that misunderstanding drives why he asks the Mayor (Valjean) to punish him--in his worldview, mercy is unjust, or at the very least, unfair. Evil must be punished; "those who fall like Lucifer fell" receive "the sword." But "as it is written," God "desires mercy, not sacrifice" (Matthew 9:13). God would have wanted Javert to live, and Javert couldn't see that, and that's why it's devastating to me. In his misunderstanding of the heart of God, he misses what would have set him free from the chains of sin he's always been trying to escape.

That's why he's contrasted with Valjean, who (though he carries guilt about his past till the end of his life) is eventually able to face it and confess what he had done to those he loves. He knew there was mercy to be found, if only it was asked for. Javert was too blinded by pride and shame to realize it, and so, while broken, he never was able to truly repent.

For that, you must go on.

[lifeof-pink]

kdj trying to kill himself after seeing the OD is such a visceral and gut wrenching part of the book—

“Something was wrong. A blade… I, I needed to find a blade.” <- this scene (chapter 515) actually broke my heart, i genuinely felt sick reading it. he’s so desperate to die that it’s honestly palpable, it’s like finally seeing that truth behind the snarky mask kim dokja always wears. it took me until this point to realize that every time he tried to sacrifice himself for his companions, it wasn’t just a well thought out plan but a true, genuine suicidality and the acceptance that he might not come back. that he isn’t worthy of living a good, happy life with a happy ending. (which maybe i’m just slow, but i really fell for dokja’s lies, every single time i thought to myself “everything’s going to be fine because he has a plan to survive this,” and almost every single time i was right. except for the end i suppose.)

and fuck, it hits so, so hard.

[what-the-fuck-khr]

Here’s Amano’s artwork of Harley Quinn, as she’s in charge of the character design drafts! This is all for the isekai anime Suicide Squad coming from Warner Bros. Japan Anime!

open the picture for better quality I promise

[toimintalaama]

Homophobia in the church is making me so distressed

I'm in the process of converting to the Orthodox church, and I was so happy, frankly joyful, about it. I felt like I was being accepted and that it wasn't an issue that I'm queer. Like I knew that they're not gonna be conducting gay weddings any time soon, but I thought that it wasn't an issue either. Yeah well, that was until I came across some material by one of the people who often teaches at the church. He's not a priest officially or anything, but he's not a lay person either. It's confusing, but it's besides the point anyway.

It was a video lecture about the Orthodox church's view on family. Kinda knew what it could/would contain before clicking on it, but foolishly I wanted to hope that maybe it was what it was gonna be.

It was kinda the standard stuff you expect to see in these things. Marriage is for man and woman, for starting up a family, blessed by God for starting a family. Being gay is giving into fleshly temptations blablablaa. You know the drill. He read some paper from a big synod about what the church fathers think about these new marriage laws. And also apparently the two options the church provides for people is marriage and being a monk/nun (I don't think that's true tho, irrespective of whether being queer is a sin or not, but anyway).

This kind a threw me into this whole loop, like is being gay sin or not??? What is our place in the church??? Are we even allowed to be, if the view of the church is so stern, that it's like celibacy or sin.

It didn't really help that it was the first week of Great Lent / Fast, and the church services were really about realizing your sinfullness and being remorseful. I just kept thinking about this 247, I couldn't sleep, I started to have these self harm thoughts and yeah. It got bad, and still is.

I contacted the priest I've talked to a few times before. He's the one I talked about this queer thing before, and he was like it's not a problem at all, but he did warn me that some people have a very black and white view of this. Well, he said that yeah, that person has a very very black and white view about this, and that the reality in the church is not so harsh. He said that we could talk about this more when I have confession, and I could also talk to the Bishop about, as he has a very open and loving heart, according to the priest.

This helped a tiny bit, but honestly I have had a knot in my stomach ever since. I think about this all the time, and I have trouble falling asleep. I get these self harm thoughts at times, but I think I have them under control. This sucks so bad tho

I've never understood why would God make us so loving, and then condemn it?? It makes no sense

[dazzelmethat]

Long time no Bud. Wow the last time I made her a ref was 2018. I experimented some with her pallet. Unsure if I like the profile head but oh well, open mouthed anime inspired profile faces are notoriously hard for a reason.

Sigh. What am I going to do with her.. my writing conundrum workshopping in tags. My tag rant mentions plot related suicide and ableism (in relation to the zombie trope).

[mymiserablediaries]

Help! I feel like 24h isn't enough to do all the stuff I want to do. I wanna watch movies, read a lot of books, listen to meaningful music, talk to people, journal, learn a language, manifest, meditate, have fun, look for a job,school, blog, talk to someone, cry, dance, sing, a lot of things.

[nonbinarylesbianherb]

was going through my drafts on tumblr