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brelione · 4 years

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Now That You’re Gone (The Best Boys)

Series Masterlist

NOT MY GIF

warnings:mentions of drugs, death, not proof read.also im pretty sure this is the longest chapter in the series.

You didnt really remember coming back inside, waking up on the kitchen floor with your phone playing some random playlist.You slowly got up, looking into the living room.Rafe and Kelce were missing, Topper on the floor with his legs on the couch, drool on his chin.

You groaned, stumbling upstairs. “Kelce?”You called out, wondering if he had left. “WHAT?”He shouted from your bedroom, holding one of your pillows to his chest. “Nothing.”You replied, opening the door of the guest room as you searched for Rafe.

He was half asleep, eyes closing every couple of seconds as he stared at his phone, not even unlocking it yet. “Rafe?”You asked.He hummed, opening his eyes all the way. “Wha??”He asked, clearing his throat. “Just making sure you’re awake.”You replied, making your way back downstairs.

You didnt even question why Kelce was sleeping on your bed or why Topper was sleeping in the position that he was.It didnt seem that weird to you.But you couldnt understand why you had woken up on your kitchen floor with your phone playing music, feeling how hot the screen was.It had to have been playing for hours.You went to your texts, frowning when you saw a whole conversation that you couldnt recall having.

Unknown:She passed away this morning, the service is gonna be in mid august in venice.

You:What’d she pass from?

Unknown:Stroke.

You:Why is the service going to be so far from now?

Unknown:Cremation

You:wtf she never wanted cremation

Unknown:Thats what she said she wanted

You didnt need any context to know exactly what he was talking about.You werent surprised either, not feeling anything.You werent even shocked.You just sat there for a minute, letting out a sigh before checking all your other notifications.

Money was being transferred into your bank account, already having an additional 30k.You didnt even want to go to the funeral, it was stupid anyways.She had just left you like the selfish bitch she was.You got off the floor, going back up into your room.Kelce was more awake now, sitting up and scrolling through his instagram.

“You okay?”He asked, noticing how you were walking a bit sideways almost like you were drunk.You hummed, opening your drawers and pulling out the first thing you saw.You quickly pulled off the shirt you were already wearing, too tired and disoriented to care that you werent wearing anything under it and that you were covered in hickies.

Kelce shriekedk, burying his face into the pillow.You ignored him, pulling on some baggy jeans. “Are you done?”He asked, voice muffled by the pillow. “My mom’s dead.”You replied, shrugging your shoulders.He frowned, looking up at you and studying your face, trying to figure out if you were serious.

“Im sorry, sunshine.You okay?”He asked, opening his arms.You nodded, hugging him. “Yeah...its just...I dont know, is its bad that I dont miss her?It just feels wrong.”You admitted.Kelce nodded, understanding.

“No, no, its fine, babes.She wasnt in your life that much so its totally normal.I think its good that you’re not upset, it means that you let go of that toxic part of your life.”He squeezed your shoulder lightly.You nodded, not sure if you believed him or not.

“Yeah, I guess.”You shrugged, pulling out of the hug. “Im gonna go downstairs.”You told him, leaving your room and going down the steps, seeing Topper now completely on the floor.His eyes opened, looking up at you. “Hi.”He grinned, flipping onto his stomach.

You just looked down at him before heading into your kitchen, opening your fridge and pouring yourself a cup of juice, grabbing your vitamins and downing them with a sip of juice, sitting at your kitchen table.Topper frowned, getting up and stretching his long limbs, cracking his knuckles before coming up behind you, wrapping his arms around your shoulders.

You just sighed, leaning your head against his arm. “Did you sleep okay?”He asked, trying to figure out what was off about you.You just shrugged, looking up at him. “Did you sleep in one of the guest rooms?”He asked.You shook your head, turning in your seat so you could rest your arms on the chair.

His face wasnt far away from yours now, his casted arm resting on the chair as well. “Are the boys still asleep?”He asked. “Nope.”You answered.He glanced over at the staircase, almost like he was making sure they werent watching him.

“Do you wanna do something today?”He asked, kissing your forehead lightly. “Like what?”You asked, not sure what he was planning in his mind. “I dunno...do you want to drive?”He suggested, a small smirk tugging at his lips.

You raised your eyebrows, surprised he’d even suggest such a thing. “Drive where?”You asked, curious.He shrugged, biting on his bottom lip. “We could go to Barnes and Noble or to Dunkin Donuts...we could go thrifting or rock hunting.”He grinned, tapping his fingers along the chair.You didnt know why it happened or why you got the sudden urge to do what you did, leaning up and kissing him.

He was surprised at first, freezing up for a moment before calming himself, his fingers lightly grazing your waist.He pulled back for a second, biting his lip and taking in a deep breath.You didnt say anything, messing around with his hair.

He let out a soft sigh, leaning down again, kissing you gently.Rafe made his way down the stairs, glancing into the kitchen before doing a double take, eyes widening.He just stood there for a second, gripping the railing.He quickly turned around, heading back upstairs.Fucking hell.You pulled away from Topper, his thumb running over your cheekbone, his face a bit pink. “So...Barnes and Noble?”You asked.

Topper jogged upstairs, grabbing his wallet, turning around and seeing Rafe standing in the doorway of the guest room. “Topper, why?”Rafe asked, sighing.Topper raised his eyebrows. “Why what?”He asked, feeling himself tense up.

“You cant-you cant just….”Rafe muttered, realising there wasnt much he could say.THe two of you werent official, he wasnt allowed to be mad.Topper walked past him, heading towards your bedroom to talk to Kelce. “(Y/N) and I are heading to the bookstore, you want anything?”Topper asked.Kelce raised his eyebrows, looking down at his phone.

“Did she tell you what happened?”Kelce asked.Topper shook his head, confused. “Her mum died...dont tell her that I told you, I think she needs a good distraction.”Kelce got up, patting Topper on the shoulder.Kelce was heading towards Rafe, figuring that he should know too.

“Why wouldnt she want Topper and I to know?”Rafe asked.Kelce shrugged, not knowing an actual answer.THat explained why you started showing a ton of affection towards Topper, you just needed something to occupy your mind.But Rafe could occupy your mind so much better.What did Topper have that Rafe didnt?Blonde hair?

You werent as nervous to drive anymore, knowing to take the back roads.Topper had the volume of the radio at 5, playing some music from his old study playlist.It was mainly indie music and anything that made him feel like a main character even though he would never admit it.

He was looking out his window at the passing trees, looking over to you every couple of seconds.The Barnes and Noble in Outer Banks was on the smaller side since not a lot of people went to it.You pulled into the parking lot, letting out a sigh of relief. “You okay?”Topper chuckled, reaching over and squeezing your hand. “Yeah.”You replied, smiling at him.

THe two of you entered the store, seeing the table of best sellers and new releases.He gripped your hand tightly, guiding you over to the fantasy section.His other arm was resting in his sling, looking over the different titles. “I know that they have a uh….uh….shit.Loki!They have a Loki book!”He exclaimed, proud of himself.You smiled, your thumb tapping his palm as your eyes scanned over all the book covers.You turned around, looking at the other shelf when something else caught your eye.

“Rafe-are you serious right now?I thought you were trying to get clean!”Kelce exclaimed, seeing the other lines that Rafe had prepared for himself.Rafe shrugged, leaning down towards the countertop when Kelce smacked the side of his head.

“RAFE!What the hell is wrong with you?Put the bill down, now.”Kelce demanded.Rafe glared at him for a moment, tossing the twenty onto the countertop before stepping back. “What?”Rafe asked, taking in a deep breath. “Talk to me, man.You’re doing this for a reason, right?Why dont you just tell me the reason.”Kelce suggested, sitting down at the counter across from Rafe.

“FUCKING TOPPPER IS THE REASON, ALRIGHT?”Rafe shouted, slamming his fists down. “HE’S NOT RIGHT FOR HER!HES NOT!AND I COME DOWN STAIRS AND HES ALL OVER HERE AND ITS FUCKING DISGUSTING!HE GETS ALL FUCKING PISSED WHENEVER IM AROUND HER BUT WHENEVER HE DOES IT ITS FINE.AND-AND NOW I CANT-I CANT BE ALONE AGAIN!HE CANT TAKE HER AWAY!”Rafe shouted, his voice getting squeaky and his eyes getting watery. “And I know-I know that I cant be mad at him but its so hard!Do you think she even cares about me?Like at all?”Rafe asked, hands shaking as he reached for the dollar bill again.

Kelce gripped his wrist, shaking his head. “Rafe, dont.You cant just snort some coke and have all your problems go away.She does care about you, I can promise you that.But its not her job to constantly validate you, you gotta do that for yourself.And we cant be dependent on her all the time, its not good for her and its not good for any of us.I shouldnt have done what i did last night but to be honest I think we were all in the wrong.This cant tear us all apart and be honest with yourself, you knew this would happen too.I always knew she was gonna have to pick one of us, I fucking knew it.Theres no way we can all be happy, everyones gonna be upset no matter what and as much as it sucks its the truth.But is coke gonna fix any of that?No.”Kelce finished, staring back at Rafe.

He was speechless, a few tears slipping down his face. “Im pretty sure she doesnt even want a relationship.Dont tell her that I told you this, okay?But….in the hospital elevator she told me that she didnt want to date you.I dont think she wants to date anyone and we’re gonna have to respect that.Fuck, im contradicting myself, arent I?I doesnt matter.I dont think any of us are stable to be in a relationship, we’re all so fucked up right now.”Kelce thought out loud, letting out a sigh.

“Kelce.”Rafe choked out, taking in a shaky breath.Kelce raised his eyebrows, not sure what to expect. “The thing that (Y/N) and I have isnt the same as the thing you guys have.After yesterday I thought-I thought she saw me different, you know?I just...I thought I was special.”Rafe muttered, pinching his nostrils shut.Kelce frowned, not really understanding. “What did you do yesterday?”Kelce asked, thinking of all the possibilities and hoping he wasnt right.Rafe huffed, trembling as he spoke. “We slept together.”He replied, watching Kelce’s eyes widen, jaw dropping.

You and Topper stood in line, seeing his eyes widen when he saw Pope Heyward and JJ Maybank only a few feet away, the two of them bickering as they looked at notebooks.Topper almost let a rude comment slip out, reminding himself that he was with you.

JJ looked over his shoulder, smacking Pope when he saw the two of you. “Pope, Pope, Pope!Look-its (Y/N).”JJ grinned, looking back over to you.You squeezed Topper’s hand, looking over to JJ and flashing him a small smile.

“Hi, JJ.”You spoke quietly, not wanting to be too loud in a bookstore. “Hi.”He waved, biting his lip before looking back down at the notebooks. “Hi.”Pope nodded, embarrassed.Topper didnt say anything, tapping his foot.The two pogues rushed off, laughing quietly.

You and Topper got back into your car, satisfied with the books and movies you two had picked out.He wanted to get the first movie he saw that just happened to be The Outsiders.You found a few realistic fiction books, deciding to get them along with a small raccoon plushie and a dinosaur bookmark for Kelce.

You ddint know why you had picked them, figuring it would make them smile.The two of you just sat in the car for a few minutes, not really ready to leave the parking lot yet. “Hey, do you wanna draw on my cast later?”He asked, becoming bored of looking at the same bland, bulky cast that clung to his arm.You nodded, carefully grabbing his hand.

Your palm was over his cast, his fingers closing around yours with a small smile on his face.The two of you sat in silence for a few minutes before you started up your car, Topper removing his hand from yours so you could drive properly.

He was playing the same song on loop for hours, hoping you wouldnt notice.He didnt know why he liked it so much, the beat and the overall vibe of it calmed him.Of course you noticed, starting to wonder how long the song was that it could be going on for fifteen minutes straight.

You didnt have a problem with it, glad that it calmed him and that it wasnt a terrible song.

He was half asleep, deciding to open one of the books you got, rereading the same line eleven times.He yawned, reading it again.He could never understand how you could keep up with storylines so well when you couldnt even remember something that had happened just last week.

You were driving ten under the speed limit, carefully pulling into your driveway. “You did a good job.”Topper kissed your forehead lightly, smiling.He lingered for a second, glancing down at your lips.

You rested your forehead against his, your thumb rubbing little circles along the side of his neck.He slowly leaned forward, pulling away a second later.His hand made its way to the back of your neck, kissing you again.

He wasnt as nervous this time but was still pretty nervous, not wanting to mess up or embarass himself.You were the one to pull away this time, taking in a deep breath. “We should go inside.”You told him, messing around with the hair on the back of his head.

He nodded, not moving yet.You eventually let go of him, taking your keys out and grabbing your Barnes and Noble bag, getting out of the car.He came with you, seeing Kelce and Rafe sitting in the kitchen, seeming to be in a deep conversation that had been interrupted by your entrance. “Hey.”You grinned at them, putting your bag down on the counter.

Rafe couldnt even bring himself to smile, feeling too exhausted.You pouted, trying to figure out what was wrong.His eyes were slightly puffy, his lips slightly red like he had been biting at them.He had been crying for a reason that you couldnt quite place, not wanting to push him to tell you what had happened.

Instead you reached into the bag, pulling out the plushie and pushing it into his chest before he could see exactly what it was.He looked down at it, laughing quietly.It had large, purple glittery eyes and a little tag with a link to a website.

He grabbed your waist, pulling you so that he could rest his head on your stomach.You gulped, sucking in your gut ever so slightly and hoping that he wouldnt notice.You raised your eyebrows at Kelce, looking down at Rafe, trying to ask silently what had happened.Kelce simply shook his head, placing a finger over his lips.

You nodded, running your fingers through Rafes hair, dragging your fingertips down his jaw, the bridge or his nose and his temple, feeling his arms getting tired as he relaxed, now draped around your hips.Topper sat down on the couch, holding the dvd in his hands as he waited for a time to watch it.

Rafe loved having you around, his breathing getting steady as you massaged his scalp.He knew that it was wrong to want to be in your arms when you had been kissing another guy but you just took such good care of him, of everyone.

You reached over to the bag, throwing the book mark at Kelce’s face. “Thanks.”He smiled, looking at all the little dinosaurs.He didnt read physical books too often but he always loved getting something new to add to his (Y/N) box.

“Can you guys please come watch this movie with me?”Topper asked, peeling at his cuticles.Kelce got up, looking over to you and Rafe before nodding towards Topper, wanting to make sure that you two didnt get too caught up with eachother.

Kelce took the dvd from Kelce, putting it into your dvd player and switching the HDMI before sitting down on the couch, surprised when you chose to cuddle up next to him.He was relieved that you werent hesitant about giving them affection now that you knew the truth, resting his hand on your back.

Rafe rested at the end of the couch, poking at your knee cap, a grin on his face as he tried to annoy you.Topper sat on the floor, his head against the couch so you could reach out and fluff of his golden locks if you wanted to.The credits were at the beginning of the movie, all of you guys remaining quiet as you watched the screen.

“Didnt we read this book in 7th grade?”Topper asked, putting the pieces together.You hummed, tapping Kelce’s chest. “Nope, I read it to you guys while you pretended to listen.”You corrected.Once Dally showed up on screen all the boys had turned to look at you, waiting for you to fall in love.

“Come on, (Y/N)!Isnt that one your type!He’s brunette and just got out of jail!”Kelce pointed out.You grinned, shrugging. “He’s okay.”You replied, surprising them. “Hey, do you guys want to make a blanket fort later?”You asked, feeling bored with the set up of the living room.

They nodded, agreeing. “Yeah, okay.”Rafe nodded.It wasnt until the scene of Ponyboy’s parents getting into a car accident that anyone spoke again, Topper laughing. “Same.”He pointed at the tv, hoping you guys would laugh too.Kelce was the first to laugh, nodding. “We should sue the for stealing your plot line.”He grinned.Rafe chuckled, sighing.

“Let me just call my lawyer, oh wait, my phone drowned.”He laughed again, looking over to you to make sure that you werent taking it to seriously.You simply grinned, rolling your eyes. “If I were a character in this who would I be?”Rafe asked, his head against your thigh.You hummed, thinking. “I dunno….I think Kelce would be Darry for sure but I think you would be Ponyboy cause you’re dumb.”You grinned at him, knowing you were about to get attacked.

He scoffed, climbing on top of you and laying down on top of you, his head on your stomach and his legs on top of yours, nearly crushing you. “You’re gonna kill me!’You exclaimed, flicking him repeatedly.He pouted, getting comfy.

Your phone began to ring but you chose to ignore it, figuring it was your uncle calling to ask if you were coming to Italy.The others followed your lead, ignoring it too.They were all there with you, it wasnt like anyone else really mattered.It wasnt until it rang for the eighth time that you finally picked up, whispering for Kelce to pause the movie as you held the phone to your ear, waiting for the person to say something first.

“hello?”A deep voice asked.You frowned, not recognizing it. “What?”You asked, hoping it wasnt your uncle. “Um...is this (Y/N) (Y/L/N)?”The voice asked and you could hear tapping in the background. “yeah.”You replied, not wanting to give away anymore information.

“This is your father.”THe voice spoke, letting out a sigh right after it. “I heard that your mother died, how are you doing?”He asked.Rafe was tapping at your thigh, trying to ask who it was, shutting up when you placed your hand over his face.

“How do I know you’re not lying?”You asked, feeling the boys all staring at you. “Do you know where your birth certificate is?”He asked.You hummed, pushing Rafe off of you and standing up, jogging up the stairs and opening the door to your mothers room.

It hadnt been touched for only the gods know how long, the ceiling fan gathering bits of dust along with all the cabinets and the tv screen.You opened her file cabinet, finding your birth certificate and placing it in front of you.

“Do you see the name of the father?”He asked, waiting for your response. “Yeah.”You replied.Matthew Islands. “Does it say Matthew Islands?”He asked.Fucking hell. “Yeah.”You answered. “Theres your proof.”He replied.You gulped, sitting down entirely.

“No, you have no proof that that’s your real name.”You replied, just hoping that this wasnt true.You couldnt handle this on top of everything else. “Would a liscense and my birth certificate be enough proof?”He asked.You held your breath, wanting to hang up and block his number so you’d never have to think about him ever again.

“Your uncle gave me your address.I could come over and bring all of my documents if you want.”He answered.Your heart dropped into your stomach, eyes going wide. “No, do not come to my house.If I want to meet you i’ll meet you at a public place.”You replied, not liking the idea of some old dude you had never met that claimed to be your dad coming to your home.

“Alright, where would that be?”He asked.You jogged back downstairs, staring outside your window. “What-where are you right now?”You asked. “Im at a hotel near the country club.”He told you.You sighed, sitting down on the floor.

“The turtle beach...five thirty.”You suggested, breath shaky as you waited. “Okay, i’ll bring everything.”He replied, waiting for you to hang up.You hung up quickly, putting your phone down with a huff. “Who was that?”Topper asked.

“My father.”You replied, shocking them all.Kelce sat up straight, raising his eyebrows. “And you’re meeting him?”Kelce asked, wanting to make sure he was hearing you correctly and he hadnt lost his mind. “Well, not alone.You guys are coming with me.”You told them, figuring that they already knew.

“If he’s a psychopath im gonna be pissed.”You grumbled, standing back up. “And apparently my uncle gave him my address so now he knows where I live so now he can just show up whenever and hes gonna bring his ID and his birth certificate and I guess he’s been in OBX this whole time so its possible that I already know him which is just fucking weird.This is so weird-I dont even want to meet him!Like who the hell calls the day that their ex lover dies to tell their kid that they’re actually around in the same place and have been this whole time and didnt even try to help raise me?God, I hate this!”You exclaimed, pacing around.

“Well at least you’ll be safe if you’re meeting him in a public place!Plus, if you meet him and you just want to leave we can leave.And if you dont feel safe staying here you could always come over to my house.”Kelce reminded you.You nodded, sighing.

“But think about it, why would he be gone all those years?What has he been doing with his life?And why wouldnt my mom want me to know about him?He probably is a psychopath and thats why im so fucked in the head.”You laughed, trying to calm your self.

“And like, I feel like something is just wrong, you know?I dont even know what it just doesnt feel right.Like mom was never here anyways but with her being like….gone gone it just feels like im being watched.Its gross.”You ranted, pulling at your fingers.

“So why dont you just leave?You dont have to stay here everyday, we can just start hanging out at Rafe’s and eating all of his food.”Topper grinned.You shrugged, walking into your kitchen and walking around in a loop before coming back.

“I feel like I cant leave.I dont know why.”You explained. “How about we just ditch your dad and have a sleepover at my house?We can go to the grocery store and play mario kart and we can watch Criminal Minds.”Rafe spoke softly, knowing his father couldnt yell at him if you were over.

“Your dad doesnt like me.”You told him, looking for any excuse to stay home. “Are you kidding?You’re the most responsible, of course he likes you!Sarah likes you too!And you can come see the new lights I got for my room-do you wanna go to the thrift store and get some records for me to hang on my walls?”He asked, hoping you’d agree.

“You could pick out a few less hideous shirts for me!I know you hate my pastel ones.”Kelce replied.With all of them trying to convince you the idea was becoming more appealing. “Okay...let me just pack a bag.”You muttered, going back upstairs and into your bedroom, grabbing a mint blue backpack and opening your drawers, grabbing some pajama shorts, a t shirt, some sweatpants, deodorant and a hairbrush.

Rafe came upstairs to grab the stuff that he had brought to your house, figuring he should do his laundry. “You okay?”He asked, watching as you zipped your bag.You nodded, taking in a deep breath. “Why does so much happen in my life?I feel like the universe is specifically after me.”You mumbled, feeling his strong arms around you, leaning against him.

“I know how it feels, chip.It’ll take a little while but you’ll feel better eventually, just promise me you wont hurt yourself.”He whispered into your neck, kissing your jaw lightly.You shivered, your hands falling over his, letting out a soft sigh.

“I know.”You replied, closing your eyes as he kissed up and down your neck lightly. “You can always come over, you know.You dont have to call or anything, doesnt even matter if im home or not.”He pressed a kiss to your cheek, grinning when you turned your head so he could kiss you properly, letting out a low sigh.

He stood for a while, his warm hands running up and down your body, humming to you.He didnt know what song he was humming but he was almost positive that it was from a disney movie. “Are you humming something from The Lion King?”you asked.He nodded, kissing your forehead.

“Can you feel the love tonight, The peace the evening brings, The world for once in perfect harmony, With all its living things.”He sang softly, remembering what the song was.He remembered you singing it constantly, getting the song stuck in your head for weeks.

You grinned, biting your lip as he blushed, continuing to sing. “He's holding back, he's hiding, But what, I can't decide, Why won't he be the king I know he is?The king I see inside?”You sang quietly, turning so you could hide your face in his shirt, giggling.

He turned bright red, squeezing you for a few seconds before letting go. “Lets get going so that we can make Kelce wear a blouse.”He smiled, grabbing your bag for you.Topper was taking the movie out of your dvd player and putting it back in its case, grabbing the barnes and noble bag and throwning Rafe his raccoon.

“I will drive.”Kelce announced, opening the door and leading the group out to Rafe’s truck, getting inside.You and Rafe decided to sit in the backseat while Topper sat up front, controlling the music.Rafe’s hand rested on your thigh, tapping his fingertips on your kneecap to the sound of the music.

You reached out, playing with his fingers, tapping them and watching them wiggle.He sighed, not understanding why you were so entertained. “Where am I going?Grocery store or thrift store?”Kelce asked, pulling out of your driveway. “Thrift store.”Topper replied quickly.

Kelce nodded, trying his best to drive smoothly and avoid any bumps.Rafe moved as close as he could to you so he could get his arm around your waist, his other arm across your thighs as he rested his head in the crook of your neck.

Usually he wouldnt be this touchy with you when the boys were right there.Your heart skipped a beat as he started to kiss your collarbone and the side of your neck, biting softly as the tip of his tongue swirled around your skin.

You just had to hope the others wouldnt notice.Kelce parked the truck as he pulled into the parking lot of the thrift store, the four of you hopping out.Topper stayed close to you as you guys walked around the store.Rafe was incredibly out of his element, not used to stores that werent cleaned head to toe with music playing from speakers.

Walmart was one thing for him to get used to but a thrift store was a whole other thing.You grabbed a large yellow shirt, looking through the t shirts before you heard Kelce let out an excited shout, rushing over to you with a purple dress.

“Dinosaurs!Dinosaurs!Dinosaurs!Come one, please!You have to get this!”He exclaimed.You sighed, taking it from him. “Did you check the size?”You asked. “That’ll fit you fine, your body dysmorphia just needs to shut the fuck up.”Topper kissed your forehead, holding up the dress before looking back over to you.

“This’ll be perfect with those black boots you have and the frilly socks!You know the ones im talking about, right?Like they look like they were made with a wedding dress.”He thought out loud.You nodded, not really agreeing but you didnt have the heart to tell him that.

Rafe came into the isle, a large leopard print jacket in his hand. “Kelceeeeee.”He smirked, holding it up.Kelce’s face dropped, shaking his head. “No.”He replied. “Please?”You asked, pouting ever so slightly.Kelce sighed.

“I hate you.”He muttered, taking the jacket.You left the thrift store with a dinosaur dress, a fancy tea cup, a dog lamp, and a large hawaiian shirt.After spending forty minutes at looking at records you had convinced Rafe to hang up album covers too since you had found a few disney ones.

“Why dont you take them then?”He suggested, not wanting to have Anna and Elsa on his wall. “No, you need them.”You replied.Kelce was pretty mad about the giant stack of yellow, leopard print, hawaiian shirts and striped tank tops.

“You’re such a bully.”he grumbled as you placed a holographic hat on his head. “Yeah but you still love me, right?”You giggled.The grocery store wasnt any better, Topper deciding to sit in the cart while Rafe tossed bags of chips at his face.

“Hey, dont do that.You could hit his head.”You told him.Topper grinned, reaching out and pulling you by the back of your shirt so he could hug you.You placed a kiss on his forehead, asking what kind of chips he wanted.

“Can we get cantalope?”Kelce asked, already putting one in the cart.Rafe was stumbling around a little, taking in a deep breath. “Hey, you okay?”You asked, placing your hands on his shoulders to steady him.He nodded.

“Yeah, yeah im fine.”He replied, just as confused as you.You didnt really believe him, gripping his jaw and staring into his eyes, noticing how they were dialated.

“Can you sit down please?”You asked him, pushing on his shoulders slightly. “We’re in a store.”He muttered. “Rafe, its fine.Just sit please.”You repeated.He sat on the floor, not sure what you were doing.

You sat across from him, pretending to read cereal boxes as a group walked by. “How much did you take?”You asked him.He gulped, trying to think back. “Umm...I dont know.”He replied.

“How much do you usually take?”You asked. “Like...one or two.”He answered.You nodded, taking in a deep breath. “What can happen if you take too much?Do you think you overdosed?”You asked, keeping your voice quiet.

He shook his head. “No...no...I took like...six lines a few weeks ago.”He replied, realising how bad it sounded. “Okay...okay so what do we do?Should you drink water or-or-ummm okay.Can you see and hear?”You asked, not knowing what to do.He nodded, gulping.

“I feel fine, like im fine.But it’s just weird.I dunno.Just dont worry about it.”He muttered, slowly standing back up.You tried to hurry the rest of the shopping trip, making them go through self checkout so it wouldnt take so long.

You grabbed a cold mountain dew for Rafe, tugging him by his arm over to the truck as fast as you could, making him chug the drink.He let out a loud burp, laughing right after. “See?Im fine.”He grinned, trying to convince you more than himself.

“Why’d you get high in the first place?”You asked.He shrugged, going to hug you when you pushed him away. “Rafe, im serious.”You tried your best to sound assertive, worried that you might sound like his father.

“I know.......I just went too long without anything.”He lied.You knew he was lying but you didnt say anything else, reaching for his hand to let him know that you werent mad at him.

He rested his head against your shoulder, his other arm resting on your leg, taking in deep breaths. “im sorry, princess.Im so sorry.”He whispered.You simply kissed the top of his head.

“I know you are, Rafe.But you gotta be better, you guys are all I have and we already almost lost Topper, we cant lose you too.”You told him.He nodded, feeling the truck move a bit as Topper and Kelce got in.

Rain started to fall, the light in the car slightly blue as Rafe’s eyes slowly closed, falling asleep against your shoulder.Topper played a sad song on low volume, liking the vibe that he had created.

Kelce seemed to have forgot where he was going, pulling into a cumberland farms parking lot, sighing.All of you just sat for a moment, breathing and listening to the music.

Kelce took in a deep breath before backing out again, humming along to the song before pulling up at Rafe’s house.You rubbed Rafe’s back to wake him up, kissing his forehead lightly.

There were only a few bags, Kelce grabbing them all before heading over to the door, all of you guys getting inside and taking off your shoes. “Rafe-where have you-”Ward started, looking over to see you, Topper and Kelce before closing his mouth.

“I see you brought friends.”Was all he had to say, rolling up his sleeves to his elbows to show off a watch.Rafe nodded, gripping your hand. “You have to babysit Wheezie tonight.No funny buisiness.”He said strictly, dissapearing.

Rafe glared at the wall. “Fucking idiot.”He grumbled, heading upstairs.You took a deep breath, following him with Topper and Kelce close behind you and into his room.Kelce placed the bags down, sitting on the floor.

“Lets just wait for Ward to leave, then we can go into the living room.”Rafe muttered, taking the record covers and sliding the records out, letting you use the double sided tape to stick them to his wall.

His walls were a light gray that matched his carpet, his sheets white and his comforter blue.He had a few pictures of you and the boys on his nightstand, his hamper in the corner and a tv on his wall.

You could understand why he’d want to make it less bland, sticking the record covers along the wall, trying to make them in a rainbow order.It mustve been 5:30 since your phone wouldnt stop going off but you couldnt care less, turning off your ringer.

Once you heard the front door slam loudly and Ward’s car start up a smile came across your face.Once you hung the last record Rafe had thrown you over his shoulder, tossing you onto the couch.

“RAFE!”Wheezie shouted, coming out of her room and storming downstairs, freezing up when she saw the four of you. “Yeah?”Rafe asked.She frowned, turning around and going back upstairs.

Kelce had pulled you into his lap, watching as Rafe flicked through the cameras, stopping on Nickelodeon.You had no idea why you guys had even gone grocery shopping since Rafe was planning on ordering pizza anyways, texting Wheezie to ask what she wanted.

Zoey 101 was playing, Kelce laughing for some reason. “Hey, you should do a little fashion show for us.”Topper grinned, remembering all the clothes.Kelce groaned, getting up and going upstairs.

You went upstairs as well, explaining that you had to show him how the outfits were supposed to go.He was laughing as you told him to put on the rainbow sweater with the leopard print jacket on top of it.

“This looks terrible!”He exclaimed, telling you you could turn around now. “Its not that bad!”You laughed, moving forward to fix the collar of the sweater.He took in a shallow breath, not used to you standing so close.

He didnt even think about it, leaning forward and kissing you lightly.You were surprised, not really knowing how to react.You held onto the sweater collar tightly, pulling away.

“Um....you still need to put on the hat.”You muttered, grabbing the holographic hat and placing it on top of his head.He cleared his throat, turning and looking in the mirror with a frown on his face.

“Come on, dont be like that.Its not gonna look good if you’re grumpy.”You told him.He sighed, following you downstairs.Topper was recording, zooming in on Kelce’s grumpy face. “It looks great!Now give us a spin.”He grinned, watching as Kelce put out his arms and spun around.

“I know, I look fantastic.”Kelce replied, putting his hands in the pockets of the jacket.He sat down on the couch, ignoring the squeak of the jacket material against the couch, holding a pillow to his chest with a grin as he watched the tv.You sat back down, pushing the hat off of his head.

“Asshole.”He grinned at you, putting the hat on your head instead.The sound of the doorbell ringing caused you all to jump, not expecting the pizza to come that fast.Rafe answered the door, putting the pizza down in the kitchen and shouting for Wheezie, grabbing plates from the cabinet.

You had a slice and some fries, sitting down on the living room carpet.You werent even sure when you had fallen asleep, a blanket thrown over you and Friends playing on the TV.

The boys were still awake, watching the tv. “Morning.”Topper grinned when he confused you, shaking his head. “Its not actually morning.”He chuckled, ruffling your hair.

You grumbled something, reaching for your phone and seeing ten missed calls and eighteen messages from your ‘dad’.You blocked his number, not wanting to deal with him anymore.

Thats when you got an idea, heading to the bathroom and locking the door, sitting down and beginning to type.It was to your mothers cellphone, not caring if your uncle saw it or not.

Dear Mom,

I dont remember much about the last time I saw you.I dont even think you told me that you loved me.Your room is still the same as it was eight months ago.My friends were always here for me when you shouldve been.Kelce told me that writing a goodbye letter to something that hurt you is the best way to cope.So here I am.I feel like you’re haunting the house, it feels kind of bitter and I constantly feel like you’re still judging me.And now that you’re gone im not even sure how to feel about you.I dont even know if you thought about me during your last moments but im sure if you did it was out of anger and disgust.Thats all you really had for me.This is me officially saying goodbye, I hope you had fun in Italy.

You didnt even bother to reread the message, sending it out and turning off your phone, leaving the bathroom. “Hey, im just gonna crash in your room.”You told Rafe, seeing him nod in the dark.

You dragged your feet as you went upstairs, getting under his covers and resting your head against his pillow.You were half asleep when Rafe got into bed next to you, his arm moving around your waist.

You were confused when you felt someone else lay down, opening your eyes. “Its just me.”Kelce muttered.You hummed, resting your head on his chest. “Topper took up the whole couch.”He explained, kissing your forehead lightly.

You kept rolling over throughout the night, unable to get comfy until Rafe pulled you on top of him.You grumbled, sitting up, realising you were straddling him. “You okay?”He asked, still half asleep.You hummed, laying down on top of him, one of your arms hanging off the bed. “I love you.”He mumbled. “love you too.”You muttered, falling asleep only seconds later.

THERES ONLY A CHAPTER LEFT IM GONNA CRY

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zmayadw · 3 years

Text

Hello, hello :)

It's time to continue the story, so here is the next part.

Wish you all a nice evening :)

CALL OF THE RAVEN

PART 21

It was Sunday. The light rain was drizzling from the morning, making the day feel even more lazy, and my mood was the same. Jake was at his laptop, as usual. I didnt feel like working today. I tried reading a book i downloaded months ago, but i wasnt focused enough for it also. I had my headphones on, not to distract Jake with music, and just messed arround on my laptop. As i hummed silently the words of a song that was playing, my headphones wer suddenly thrown from my ears by him. „Get dressed!“ he said to me, walking quickly back to the desk, taking some stuff and throwing them in his backpack. „Jake?“ I was confused, but he just shot me a sideway look and said more fiercly „Maya, get up and get dressed! Now!“ I was dressed already, i just needed to put my sneakers and a jacket on. As i was done, he tossed me my phone „Call Jessy, tell her we'll be there in 10 minutes, and that i need Dans help.“ He said and now i was even more confused. „Jake, whats going on?“ He didnt answer me, just continued taking the stuff, turning to his laptop and typing something on it. „Jake!“ i yelled. He finaly turned to me, throwing his backpack over his shoulder „I got it!“ „You got what?“ i asked now totaly confused, and a bit annoyed with those vague answers. He smirked, some new glow showing in his eyes „Where the calls are coming from.“ His words left me breathless. Can this really be? Are we finaly gonna get to the bottom of this all? My heart was beating like crazy, as Jake words snaped my attention back. He was holding the doors of the room open „Maya, move!“

I called Jessy once we wer in the car, explaining all to her, and she said Dan will wait for us outside. „You do know you're staying with Jessy, right?“ Jake said to me. „Yes, i kinda had a hunch you wont let me come with you.“ i said a bit dissapointed. „Maya, we have no clue what we're gonna find. I just need you to stay with her. I cant worry about you while we're there.“ „I know. Just promise me you'll be careful, too.“ „Ofcourse.“ He said. „Take my backpack.“ He told me „You'll find a white box in it, get it.“ I turned to the back seat taking his backpack and doing as he told me. I took the box out „What is it?“ i asked as i opened it. There was a phone in it, similar to the one he had. „Its my old phone. You're gonna use it. Its encrypted, so you wont recive any strange calls on it.“ „Oh, ok.“ I said. „And, yes, before you ask, im tracking that one, too.“ He said with a grin. „Ofcourse you are.“ I replied with a grin myself. He got serious on me „I just need to know i can find you if something happens. So, please, promise me you will always keep it with you.“ „I promise.“

Dan was waiting outside for us. I started to leave the car, when Jake pulled me back for a kiss „See you soon.“ I smiled, and left the car, letting Dan take my place. Jake raised his eyebrow at him as he sat in, since Dan was holding a baseball bat. „Hey, better be safe then sorry, man.“ Dan told him, closing the doors. „Come, Maya, i'll make us some coffee.“ Jessy said to me, as i watched Jake drive away, feeling of both excitement and fear mixing in me.

Jakes POV

„You all right there, Dan?“ i asked him. He was clenching that bat so hard. „Yeah, man, guess adrenalin is kicking in.“ I could relate to that. „You sure you're going in the right direction?“ he asked. „Yes, why?“ „We're close to leaving Duskwood. I tought you said the calls came from within Duskwood.“ They were. „Are there any buildings in this area?“ „Yeah, man, but it's just an abandoned warehouse. It's huge and been deserted for years.“ Dan said. „Perfect for hiding.“ I told him. „True.“ He said. „See that gravel path there? Take it, it will lead us to the entrance.“ Dan instructed me. After a while, we came at the warehous. There was a fence all over it, but visibly torn at various spots. „At least we wont have problems getting in.“ Dan said as we left the car. I took my backpack from the back seat. Opening it, i took out my knife, Dan eyeing me, but not saying a word about it. I threw my backpack over my shoulders. The rain started falling harder, so I pulled my hood on, turning to Dan „Lets go.“

„How are we gonna know where to go look at?“ Dan asked as we passed the fence. The place was huge, so his question was valid. I took my phone out, tapping on it and showing it to him „With this.“ He looked at it, a red dot blinking on the screen, showing wich direction we should go. „It will get us to the right building.“ „Good“ he siad „I dont want to be roaming here in vain. This place gives me goosebumps, man. You could definitely make a horror movie here.“ He said teasingly, but i could see he was being nervous. And he wasnt wrong, the place did look eerie. It was long deserted. Graffiti on the walls, some half torn from plasters missing, manny windows broken or dirty from the influence of time. Beside our footsteps, the only sound heard was the occasional dripping of water from the rain, falling on some meatl. And the sound of ravens cawing in the distance. How convenient, i tought. My phone beeped „This is it.“ I told Dan, pointing at the building a few feet from us to our right. Dan clenched his bat tighter again, and my hand automatically went for my waist, grabbing the knifes handle tightly, as we neared the building. „Allright“ Dan said „Lets find a way in.“

Mayas POV

I was nervously clicking on the phone Jake gave me, as Jessy settled a coffee cup infront of me. „Maya, the phone works fine. Stop checking it every thirty seconds.“ I smiled at her forcedly „Sorry, i'm just nervous as hell.“ I said, my leg bouncing uncontrollably under the table. „I get it, im nervous , too. But they barely left, it wont be some time till we might hear anything.“ She told me, and i knew she was right. „I know Jessy, but im getting a bad vibe about this.“ I said. „I hope its just my nervousness kicking in, but theres some terrible feeling creeping at me that something bad will happen.“ Jessy looked at me serious, fear creeping to her face now „I hope you're wrong.“ I looked at her, that bad feeling kicking me in the gut „Me too, Jessy.“

Jakes POV

Getting in wasnt a problem. We found a door on the side of the building, with the chain that was suppose to keep it closed, cut. Pushing it open, the sound of old doors creaking filled the place, and I cursed under my breath. There goes the element of surprise. It was quite dark inside, barely any light came in from the windows, full of dust, spiderwebs and old newspapers. Dan took his phone out turning the flashlight on and about to light up they way infront of us, but i stopped his hand. „Better not“ i said with hushed voice„We announced our presence enough allready.“ He looked at me, turning the flashlight off and putting the phone back to his pocket. „Right, sorry, man.“ We continued further slowly, letting our eyes adjust to the increasing darkness. The hallway leading us deeper in had doors appearing on each side every few feet, but all the rooms wer empty. I was getting desperate already, when suddenly Dan stopped me, pointing at the doors further in that i couldnt see good from where i stood. I moved to where Dan was, my heart starting to beat faster. There was a flicker of light coming from the doors that were ajar. We moved towards it, still checking the rest of the rooms on the way. Stopping in front of it, Dan slowly pushed the doors, opening them fully. The room was empty, except for a table at the opposite end of it. We moved towards it, Dan turning to me with eyes open wide „What the hell..“ There was a laptop on the desk, a program running on it, with a phone connected to it. But that wasnt what made Dan shocked. What shocked him, and got me boiling with rage wer the pictures thrown all over the desk. Pictures of Maya. One caught my eye immediately. I picked it up from the desk. It was from the day she got out of hospital. Sitting at the square, carelessly lost in her toughts. I knew the picture well, i had similar on my phone myself. I took it secretly, seeing her that day, before going to talk to her. She looked so beautiful, i just couldnt resist. But the tought of someone else was watching her that day, or any other day got me furious. „What the hell is going on here?“ Dan asked, but i was equally confused as him. I lowered the picture down, looking at the laptop in front of me. „Lets see what i can find.“

Dan was nervously tapping his foot standing next to me. „Can you please stop that?“ i told him, a bit annoyed. „Sorry, man.“ He said, constantly turning his head arround, scaning the room . His gaze stopped on the door leading to another room from this one „I'll go snoop arround.“ He started going for the door. „Be careful.“ I said, and he turned to me with a grin „Aww, you care fore me, man.“ I looked at him with a raised eyebrow „No, but i am scared of what Jessy might do to me if something happens to you.“ He laughed and continued towards the door. I focused back on the laptop. I just needed to find one little thing, anything that might shed some light to all of this, my eyes jumping all over the screen. I got interrupted by the noise coming from the room Dan went in. „Dan, you ok there?“ i yelled, my eyes still glued to the screen, but there was no answer. I straightened and turned towards the door. „Dan?“ i tried again, but nothing. Shit, what was he doing there. I walked towards the room. There was some more light pouring in, so i had no problem seeing Dan sprawled on the floor, unconscious. I started to ran to him, but the moment i stepped in, a blow to the head sent me down on my knees. Fuck, how could i just rush in so stupidly. I leaned on my palms, trying to shake off the dizziness. My sight got blurry, as i tried to move my head to look at the person standing above me. „You cant save her, boy. She will die.“ A sinister voice spat the words in my ear, sending chills through me, before another blow sent me face flat to the ground, all going dark on me.

Opening my eyes, Dan was hovering above me, looking worryingly at me. I was laying on my back and my head was pounding like crazy. „Welcome back.“ He said to me, extending his arm to help me up. Getting up just made my head pound even more and i got dizzy. I leaned on the wall steadying myself, Dan eyeing me. „You all right there, man?“ „Yeah, just give me a minute.“ Every move i made just made my head pound more and more. One blow to the head, i could manage. But two is a bit too much. I moved slowly back to the other room, with my shoulder still leaning on the wall. All was gone, the desk was cleared from everything. „Shit“ Dan cursed at the sight. But It didnt matter, there was nothing important on that laptop eitherway. „This means we can finaly leave this shit place?“ he asked. „Definatly.“ I said, taking the car keys from my pocket. „But i think it will be better if you drive.“

It was dark already when we left the building and headed back to the car. I was still feeling dizzy and with my head pounding so badly I had to focus hard not to loose my footing. „What are we gonna tell the girls, man?“ Dan asked as we finaly came to the car. I sat in, lowering the seat back as much as possible „The truth.“ I told him. „Damn it, this wont go easy on them, especialy on Maya.“ He said, as he started driving. The gravel path we took coming here made the car jumpy, and i felt every little stone, my head wanting to explode. „Indeed.“ I was scared how she will take all this. Last time was already hard on her. And this shit got serious now, i just hope she wont loose it completly this time.

„Come on, man.“ Dan said to me, as i opened my eyes, realizing we came back to his place. I got the seat back up, and left the car slowly. We went inside, heading for the kitchen. I heard Jessys voice as she saw Dan „Finaly!“ Maya was already on her feet running to me. She almost knocked me down, crushing full speed at me hugging me tightly. I smiled and hugged her back as tight as i could. She finaly looked at me, her face terrified. „I'm fine.“ I said to her. „Fine?“ she said worringly „That definatly doesnt look 'fine', Jake.“ Her fingers gently brushed the top right side of my forehead, and i vinced. There was a cut I havent noticed by now, with some dried blood arround it. „What happened?“ Jessy asked worryingly, as Dan settled glasses and a bottle of whiskey on the table. „We wer...surprised.“ he told her, as he opened the fridge, taking a bag of frozen vegetables, putting it at the back of his head. I just wanted to sit down, so i started towards the table, but the dizziness got back again. I leaned against the door frame, and just slid down, sitting on the floor. „Jake!“ Maya exclimed, crouching next to me. „I'm fine.“ I reasured her, but i knew she didnt belive me. And lets face it, i wasnt fine. „He needs to lay down“ Dan said „He looks like he might have concussion.“ „You're staying here tonight.“ Jessy said firmly „I'm not letting you drive to the motel now.“ „Indeed.“ Dan added, walking to us. „Alrigh, man“ he said, grabing me under my arm and getting me up. „ Let's get you to bed.“

„Here, drink this.“ I opened my eyes. She looked so worried, her eyes tired. „Im fine, Maya“ i told her, taking the painkillers and water from her. „Can you please stop saying that. You are not fine!“ „I am, now that im back here with you.“ I said smiling, trying to calm her down. „Jake! Can you be serious for a moment, please.“ I looked at her, barely managing to keep my eyes open. „I am serious.“ I said, and before she could say anything more i added „But, can we please talk about all this tomorrow? I could really use some rest.“ She tensed a bit, guilt showing on her face. „Ofcourse, sorry, i'll let you get some sleep .“ She said, taking the glass from me, and getting up. I stopped her, taking her hand, my eyes closing now on their own. „Stay.“ I said, my hand slipping from hers, I barely had any strenght left in me to stay awake. I felt the bed shift, and her hand gently brushing through my hair. She kissed me softly „Sleep now, i'm right here.“ I smiled, falling asleep in a heartbeat.

#duskwood #duskwood fanfiction #duskwood jake #duskwood mc #duskwood jessy #duskwood dan #duskwood jake x mc

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redrabbitspod · 4 years

Note

This is in no way meant to be rude or disrespectful and I am fully aware that you can do whatever you please but I feel like Neil is getting so out of character. He clearly started to develop more of an own personality but he definitely has been through so much and he is just so..cheery and happy and clingy all the time(which if you’re like that is in no way wrong or bad) and now he reminds me so much of Nicky in AFTG. It’s really hard for me to still see Neil.

OOC: This is very long, and while we think everything leading up to it is super important to our thought process (and yes this is something we’ve thought about) the bit in bold is the heart of the point we try to make. (Please read the whole thing though!)

Hey, I’m actually really happy that you sent this in because I’ve been wanting to talk about it. I know that there’s a post going around that we both wholeheartedly agree with about Neil reaching far past ooc and becoming very ‘fem’. Jeni and I had a really long talk about this because we were worried that our Neil would be perceived or mistaken to fit in that trope. And while I think your concern is EXTREMELY valid (note: people can write the characters however they want. It’s fanfiction, they can do as they please, like you said, we just did not want to go that direction), I have a few points as to why I disagree.

On surface I definitely get that. Idk if you’ve read the entirety of RRP, but I know for those of you that just read the asks (Im sure there are a lot), it DEFINITELY seems that way. But we went into RRP right off the bat letting people know that these characters will fundamentally be different. In Andrew’s case, we know he’s extremely soft now and we bring that up a LOT in the fic. Both himself acknowledging it and all the other characters around him. But we went in knowing he was going to be very different from canon - mainly because we took out the plotline that he was ever put on meds. In Wish You Were Here, the story we are writing post-season 2, we will be mentioning that and how we twisted it. Because in canon, that shaped his entire character. The medication changed the physiology of his brain and we hated the fact that something so abhorrent was forced upon him by the courts that we didn’t do it. And as a result, Andrew’s character is completely different because he’s able to tap into emotions that were blocked in canon. He’s able to grow in ways that he was not able to before and besides the fact that this is set a good while after college and especially his sophomore year that we saw in canon, he was going to change. We definitely know that them admitting that they love each other, making strides in their relationship both physical and mental, opening up, expressing, for his character may seem extremely ooc for some, but we had to take into account what would’ve happened if we took the thing that shaped his character in canon away. I hope we’ve done him justice.

Now onto Neil. Neil we work over a LOT. And when Jeni brought this up to me because of the post, there were glaring things in my mind that automatically said no. This doesnt apply to our Neil even though to some it may seem that way. Here’s what we’ve done at least very consciously to make sure that our Neil holds integrity to his canon character, that he holds merit and a backbone to back up how he’s grown throughout our series.

From day one, we knew that they knew each other. We knew that an event from the past not only shaped how Andrew approaches life, but how Neil does as well. Childish sentiment and nostalgia kept Neil in Arizona for so long, which we imply throughout season 1 and start the ball rolling in the first chapter. For the both of them, they held onto the boy they met at the Grand Canyon through everything they’d been through. When shit got tough, it was each other they thought of. And on some wild whim, Neil hoped one day Andrew would walk through the Book Nook’s doors and he’d see him again. Not because Neil had a crush, because he didn’t. But because Andrew was the embodiment of strength for him.

New York was really important to us. Neil standing his ground and letting Andrew know exactly what he’d done to him, was what the entirety of Season 1 and EVEN season 2 culminated and came back to. Neil being able to say no, fuck you asshole, and always express exactly how he was feeling, was so vitally important to us. ESPECIALLY when it came to Andrew. Those few weeks of New York we wanted to build a bridge if you will. Andrew’s intentions were always genuine and well-meaning and Neil knew that, but survival instincts and what’s been ingrained in him stuck. They started to have a little give when he came to realize that he felt something for the man before him. But he never lost that fight for himself. That HE has to ALSO be okay. And I think we see a lot in that trope of Neil that he loses the fight, the backbone, the integrity that makes his canon character so compelling (even if he is a martyr).

One thing we worried people would misinterpret was how fast we pushed their characters together. We definitely get that. In our world we didnt really have the luxury of really stretching it out like some may have, just because we were working with real-time. And honestly? As we wrote, the drive to push them together because they were so connected and intertwined just fell genuinely and organically. For us, it only made sense and not because of canon, but because of the story we’d written already. It made sense to us for Andrew to be the one to hold himself back and Neil be the one reaching out - Neil be the one exploring and beginning to recognize what want and really, agency over himself AND his wants, was. Neil was the one to ask for their first kiss here, Neil was the one to initiate them all afterwards, Neil was the one that asked Andrew to touch him, Neil was the one that asked what they were in Arizona, Neil was the one to bring up sex. And in return, Andrew was peeling away layers of himself, feeling accepted, and wanted, and understood in ways he’d never been before. And honestly? Feeling honored that they were both experiencing emotions in ways that they both never felt before. We see their relationship has an equal give and take, a push and pull. And I’m saying all of this because it’s honestly and truly really important for why we’ve made Neil’s character the way that he is.

Going into season 2, we knew that happiness could not last long. They both had things to sort out, they both had hurdles to hop over, bridges to cross, whole fucking oceans to swim. Before season 2 started, before we had anything written or really even solidly planned, we knew they had to break up. Jeni even had the scene written back in either july or august. We knew that in order to continue trying to give integrity to their characters and relationship, how far they’d grown but also that growth is not a linear path, we needed to break them up. And in the lead up to that, we made sure that Neil was not only looking out for Andrew or trying to, but that he was looking out for HIMSELF. Unlike in canon, he didnt automatically have the foxes - not in his head at least. Of course he knew he had a home there, he knew that he had friends, but they weren’t like canon because he didnt grow WITH them like he did in canon. In his mind, he really only had Andrew and if there was no Andrew, why stay? And when their fight happened we made sure that Neil had value enough in himself, care for himself, love for himself AND for Andrew that they couldn’t let this go on any longer. Neil left because he knew he deserved better. He knew Andrew needed help and he couldn’t provide it. And he held onto that. In fact, Andrew even held onto it himself:

“Is there no hope, then?” Andrew asked, unable to help himself.

Neil sighed and Andrew was grateful that he at least didn’t pretend that he didn’t know what Andrew meant.

“I don’t know, Dr- Andrew.” Was it possible for his chest to hurt even more? He wanted to curl in on himself, but settled instead for clenching the sharp corners of the pack of cigarettes in his pocket into the palm of his hand. He watched as Neil bit the inside of his lip and that little indent appeared. Maybe he feels it, too . “Part of me wants to say fuck it all and let’s just go home. I hate this... But I hate what you’ve been putting me through these last couple of weeks even more. I can’t do that again,” he stopped talking once more and inhaled a shuddering breath. “You broke my heart, Andrew. I know I sound dramatic and stupid, but I don’t know how else to say it and - I don’t know how to do this, for fucks sake.” He finally turned to him, but the eye contact was brief and before it was even there, it was gone. “I came into this knowing nothing about relationships and I know even less about breakups. I don’t know how to navigate this.”

“You think I do?” Andrew asked. He didn’t mean for it to sound so bitter, but there it was.

“I don’t know with you,” Neil shrugged. “I feel like you keep everything so close to your chest, that there are whole sections of you I’m missing. And listen, I don’t blame you. You should be able to choose what you want to share. But I can’t help that it makes things hard when you’re falling apart and I don’t know why...”

Andrew let go of the box and put both of his hands in his lap. Grinding his teeth together, he heard the beginning hum of Bee’s buzz , but took a deep breath to try and keep her at bay. Clearing his throat, he looked back to the stadium and that stupid orange fox paw, before he murmured, “What if I offer you a piece?” - suddenly and quickly said, it was as if his mouth was trying to outrun his mind, despite the second he took to contain it. He’d known this would eventually come - that he would have to do this. And besides, Neil deserved an explanation, even if they never got back together.

“Andrew-”

“I’m not offering with hopes that we’ll get back together right now, Neil. I’m working through shit the best I can. Therapy is helping, but I know it’s a process. I just know you deserve an explanation. And I haven’t wanted to tell you because it’s fucking horrific, but I was also afraid that it would send me even further down the spiral if I talked about it. Now that I have a space to vent through, I don’t think I’m so afraid of the fall.”

This part was so important to us for both Andrew and Neil’s character. And in the entire build up to the break up and directly after, Neil held onto the fact that they needed to talk. He kept bringing it up. Because he knew that if they didn’t it would escalate just like it did before.

“I wouldn’t risk being with you again if I didn’t think things would be different. I’m not better and to be honest? I probably wont ever be better. I’ve spent my entire life dealing with my shit by myself because that’s just how it was. I’ve avoided relationships because I never trusted anyone with my baggage and I didn’t think it’d be fair to pile it on someone anyway. So when it comes to talking about shit - I’m not used to that. Bee was the only person I’d ever told everything to, and she doesn’t even know all of it.”

“I know that,” Neil said, leaning forward as if to show Andrew how much he actually understood. If that was the case, Andrew believed him. “I know you, Andrew. I would never force you to talk about something you don’t want to. That’s not what I’m trying to do. But , I need you to work with me, and if not me, someone else. Don’t take it out on me when you’re going through shit that neither of us can control. It’s not fair and it makes me feel like I’ve done something wrong and I can’t fix it.”

Now. Now we’re up to your points. I promise all of this was important for me to explain, because I know there’s literally SO MUCH that we’ve written, that shit happening now can get in the way of everything that’s happened before to lead up to this.

We fully recognize that Neil is definitely happy. But he’s not happy-go-lucky and we tried really hard to make sure he didn’t lose his integrity - his backbone - the things that made Neil, Neil.

Something I realized throughout this series was that I was getting worried that the focus of season 2 was so heavily on Andrew. I was seriously worried about that. But then I realized that Season 1 was focused solely on Neil. Season 1, Neil was a fucking wreck. It was Matt AND Andrew comforting him, Matt and Andrew bringing him down, Matt and Andrew trying to protect him, take care of him, find him, search for him, all of that. But even through Neil’s horrific anxiety and all the bad shit that happened, it was still Neil that pushed himself up from the ground, pulled Lola back, and gave Andrew the in. It was Neil that fought with the doctors and nurses to see Andrew and make sure he was okay. Even still afterward though, it was Neil discovering and Neil understanding and a lot of Neil, Neil, Neil.

Season 2 is heavily focused on Andrew. We’ve already seen Neil’s story and his growth. Its Andrew’s turn to try and again, build his bridge to getting better. But with that, it was Neil that made the strides to speak and handle Ichirou, it was Neil that figured out things with his uncle, it was Neil that ultimately had the gun, brought Andrew for practice - took it out and demanded Andrew get behind him this time. It was Neil that looked Andrew in the eyes as the cops patted them down and desperately tried to tether them together. It was Neil that kept reassuring Andrew they were going home. It was Neil that snapped the moment the cop tried to put his hands on Andrew to show them where their things were when they left the prescient, and ANDREW that allowed himself to be pulled into Neil’s arms in that moment, because he knew that he was the one thing that was SAFE. It was Neil that held Andrew that night and Andrew that LET himself be held as he broke down.

That was one chapter ago. And we really tried to illustrate at the end that they have a life ahead of them now. They have a future - a future that is spread out and it’s bright and full of possibilities. They have a future where they can do what they want. They have a FAMILY. They have nieces, Aaron, Kate, Bee, the entire TFN team. Neil had nothing and now he has something. He has hope.

Promise Im coming down to the end omfg. This is why our Authors and End Notes are so fucking long i swear to fucking god.

This BTP chapter, we wanted to explore that fucking unbridled happiness. That elation of fuck - we have the world out in front of us. We don’t have any killers on our backs, Hailey is safe, Robin is safe, Jean is out, the Moriyama’s are taken care of, Stuart isn’t begging Neil to join the Hatford Branch, Aaron and Kate might be moving back to South Carolina, they’re married and all of that isn’t terrifying. It’s COMFORTING. So yes, this BTP chapter was bright and cheery. Neil was most certainly happy and showing it. Jumping on the bed, kisses all around, getting excited over ZOO BABIES and a ZOO CHOO train. But just because we show this side of him where he gets to go on a road trip and experience real and true fucking freedom for the first time, doesn’t mean that we’re all of a sudden shedding everything that we’ve built for his character. I don’t think that’s what you meant, but I mean it when I say we take the characters, the integrity of the characters, very, very seriously. Also in this chapter, Neil takes a homophobic asshole to task and not in the way that a lot of people do, but by quietly hinting at the threat because Neil doesn’t need bells and whistles. In fact, he even talked about how being happy was something his mother frowned upon:

Because the way he looked at Neil when a butterfly landed on his finger or when he snuggled up to a goat in the petting zoo let Neil know that Andrew was happy. And he was happy. That was something Neil never really had in his life. His mother didn’t care if he was happy, only that he was alive . In fact, the less happy he was, the fucking better. By her logic, he was less likely to go rogue if he didn't feel like there was something to be happy about outside of her.

Neil’s finally had a moment to enjoy and let go and we know exactly how that can come off, but we have an entire future planned for them and the book they’re about to explore. Spoiler Alert: It won’t be all “butterflies and rainbows”. But all of this does not mean that all of a sudden we’re giving in to tropes and changing his character entirely because of one chapter. RRP and it’s characters mean too much to us.

So I definitely get where you’re coming from and I’m so fucking sorry this is so long omfg. And I respect your view because we definitely worried that people would see them like that. But we have a reason for almost everything we do in this fic and really, we just wanted to see the boys happy here. We don’t believe he’s like Nicky and we don’t believe he’s clingy, but everyone interprets these characters differently, and you’re certainly entitled to that opinion. We hope this just makes our thought process on Neil’s development a little clearer. - The Creators

#Anonymous #red rabbits pod #ooc #rr answers 2

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fluffyglass · 3 years

Text

THE MR. RUDE APOLOGISM MASTERPOST

you may be asking "Oh dear god what has Finn gotten up to this time?" well, that my friend, is a very valid question! The answer to which is as follows: He's rewatched every single TMMS segment with Mr. Rude in it to prove that he's done nothing wrong!

After many many hours of rewatching, I've come to some conclusions on the depressed tomato man. I'll give a quick rundown here, then throw my episode by episode analysis under the cut.

Season 1

Mr. Rude is in 30 episodes in Season 1.

In only 3 of these episodes does he do anything wrong.

In 4 of the episodes where he's innocent, Mr. Fussy yells at him for no reason.

Season 2

Mr. Rude is in 30 episodes in Season 2.

In only 6 of these episodes does he do anything wrong.

In 1 of the episodes where he's innocent, as well as one where he did do something wrong, Mr. Fussy yells at him for no reason.

Conclusions

In total, Mr. Rude only actually did anything wrong in 9 out of the 60 segments he's in, which is 15%. That's less than a quarter of the time. Even counting the three episodes I was unsure about, that's only 12/60. 20%. Still less than a quarter.

Why have I been bringing up Mr. Fussy? Because this experience genuinely made me not like him anymore. In only one out of Mr. Fussy's 7 appearances with Mr. Rude does he not yell at him, and in five of the times he does - it was completely unjustified.

Now, onto the episode by episode section!

Ah, you wanna see my episode by episode analysis? Well, I'll give you a quick color legend first.

Yellow - Mr. Rude does nothing wrong

Red - Mr. Rude does something wrong

Blue - Mr. Fussy yells at Mr. Rude for no reason

Pink - I have no idea what to put for this one lmao

Also, there's a ton of cursing in here because I wrote these notes as I went along and I don't feel like editing them to be more professional. You get what you get when it comes to Mr. Rude apologism.

SEASON 1

Flying - He does nothing wrong, he just asked Mr. Grumpy to do his fucking job. Though, I will admit, he was a dick about it.

Music - He does nothing wrong, Miss Naughty is a fucking bitch and Mr. Fussy targeted him for no got damn reason even though he has fucking ears and should have heard Miss Naughty going off on her fucking cymbals. Miss Naughty also tried to poison him so

Farm - He does nothing wrong, those bitch ass crows broke his fucking robot I cant believe this.

Booboos - He does nothing wrong, he literally just wants some decent service while he is in the fucking hospital and Mr. Scatterbrain is a fucking moron about it

Mall - He's barely in it and I will admit he is a bit of an asshole in this one but he doesn't do anything explicitly wrong

Birthday - He does nothing wrong, he just wants to buy a birthday present for his homie Mr. Grumpy. In fact, he shows that he cares about his friend because he knows what he would want (and gets something he wouldnt like, presumably as a joke). Hes a caring friend but also a troll.

Superstore - He does nothing wrong, he just wants to return his shitty toaster. It ends up well for everyone involved :)

Books - He does nothing wrong, he is literally just neurodivergent and cannot read social situations

Camping - He does nothing wrong, he tried to warn everyone that they were going the wrong way, and then called out Miss Whoops on her fucking bullshit and putting everyone in danger. He then proceeded to fucking die. Miss Daredevil doesnt even give a shit about two of the raft riders fucking dying what the fuck.

Paint - He does nothing wrong, he just wants to finish his painting commission.

Jobs - This is the one I time I'll admit he does something really wrong. He commits multiple driving related crimes, as well as throwing his sandwich at Mr. Quiet, splashing Mr. Nosey and Mr. Small, and taking advantage of Mr. Scatterbrain's stupidity. He also crumpled up Mr. Scatterbrain's drawing of a hamster.

Trains - He does nothing wrong, Mr. Fussy's a bitch ass motherfucker, and he did more good than bad because he rescued Mr. Messy at the end.

Fair - He does nothing wrong, he got a fucking pie yeeted at him of course he wouldn't like it. He does put the pie in Mr. Scatterbrain's face though but he already got it in his face so it's just even now. He then proceeds to be pelted with pies. But thankfully it seems like they're both having fun by the end.

Movies - Yeah he's a bit of an asshole in this one. He puts too much cheese on Mr. Happy's nachos (and then throws them at him). He does get his karma though cause he gets fucking trapped in the popcorn machine someone please save him oh my god.

Dance - He does nothing wrong, he just has taste.

Inventions - He does nothing wrong, Miss Chatterbox just doesnt like him for the way he is which is super fucked up of her. What the fuck, man. He accepts Miss Chatterbox's invention regardless. He then proceeds to be abused by everyone around him. Hes totally justified in being mean at the end.

Amusement Park - Okay yeah he was an asshole in this one, cause he was rude to Miss Calamity about her supposed grooming habits. However, he was also abused a lot during multiple of the bumpers, which I guess counts as karma.

Adventure - He literally doesnt even do anything in this one

Rainy Day - Dude, his entire fucking family died. Give him a break.

Games - He did nothing wrong, he won the fucking game but Mr. Scatterbrain took the credit what the fuck he only had 3 POINTS MR RUDE HAD 4 MR. HAPPY YOU DUMB YELLOW FUCK LEARN HOW TO COUNT

Restaurants - He does nothing wrong, Mr. Fussy is so fucking mean to him I will never get over this he deserves so much better what the fuck

Cars - he's just vibin man

Canned Goods - He does nothing wrong, he just ate some beans man

Collecting - he's barely in it and just kinda vibes

Full Moon - He does nothing wrong, he legit just got kidnapped by some fucking aliens with his alien husband

Heatwave - He does nothing wrong, 6 gay men just casually committed acts of Home Invasion and are going to be arrested for their crimes against him.

Sleep - He does nothing wrong, and I doubt anyone would have even noticed he was asleep if Miss Chatterbox kept her fucking mouth shut. He cant control what hes doing if hes fucking asleep. Even after all that he still clapped for Mr. Fussy, who hates him, at the end. What a champ.

Carwash - He does nothing wrong, Miss Calamity technically fucking kidnapped him what the fuck.

Lawns - He does nothing wrong, he didn't want to take his lawn to begin with and then got his lawn ruined for literally no reason, even after warning Me. Nosey and Mr. Small that their invention was gonna explode. He even gave Miss Chatterbox the joy in knowing she "won".

Parade - He does nothing wrong, he legit just made a float and Mr. Fussy fucking bullied him for it. What the fuck.

SEASON 2

Clean Teeth - Yeah hes a bitch in this one but Mr. Fussy was also a bitch so it evens out.

Airports - He does nothing wrong, he just wanted to go on his flight. Of anything, Miss Scary was more rude than he was.

Game Shows - He does nothing wrong like. Genuinely nothing, and then gets physically assaulted.

Hats - He does nothing wrong, Mr. Grumpy's just a fucking bitch and took credit for both his and Mr. Tickles hats. What the fuck, man.

Robots - He does nothing wrong, he legit just got his baguette burnt wtf

Up and Down - He's fine for the first bit but I will admit hes an asshole in the second one

Gifts - He does nothing wrong, he's just trying to keep Mr. Tickle from fucking assaulting people. Then his entire store is destroyed for no reason.

Sun and Moon - He does nothing wrong, he barely did anything at all

Telephone - I refused to watch this one I just know hes a bitch in it

Washing and Drying - He does nothing wrong, he just wanted his laundry done and he got assaulted at the end. Why is this a trend.

Fruit - He stole Miss Sunshines fucking fruit and then proceeded to endanger everyone around him by driving recklessly. What the fuck, man.

Radio - He does nothing wrong, Mr. Scatterbrain is just a moron, and Miss Whoops is a dumbass.

Supermarket - ???

Cinema - He doesn't do anything wrong, and he looks very nice in his new hat.

Post Office - He doesn't do anything wrong, hes trying his best okay (he also gets covered in stamps at the end)

Pets - He doesn't do anything wrong, he doesn't do anything at all

Dance Dance Dance - He doesn't do anything wrong, Mr. Fussy's a fucking bitch

Trees - He doesn't do anything wrong, someone free him

Library - He didnt even do anything man

Pirates - He doesn't do anything wrong, in fact he is the first to jump in and protect his crewmates from the aliens. He also saves the entire space crew in the end.

Trains and Planes - He doesn't do anything wrong, he barely does anything to begin with

Out to Sea - He doesn't do anything wrong, it makes sense for him to act in his own self interest because he was stuck on a deserted island with those three morons for 30 fucking days. He didn't intend to take the boat, because the tide rolled him out. He is now inevitably going to die.

Next Door - Yeah hes a bitch in this one, but he didnt deserve to get his fucking car crushed.

Lunch - He doesn't do anything wrong, Mr. Stubborn drew first blood.

Machines - This is a weird one. Is he really in the wrong for wanting to go home? I mean, it's safe to assume Miss Giggles is fucking dead if she was taken by a dinosaur. He even vows not to doubt Miss Daredevil at the end and is happy to see Miss Giggles okay

Fairies and Gnomes - even though he thinks it's silly that Mr. Nervous is scared of a garden gnome, he still "arrests" it to make him happy :)

Home Improvement - He doesn't do anything wrong, Mr. Stubborn is just a moron.

Birds - He doesn't do anything wrong, he was even nice enough to invite Mr. Nervous along for the birdwatching trip. He's totally justified in not giving a shit about Mr. Fussy because Mr. Fussy has been nothing bit horrible to him the entire show.

Parks - He does nothing wrong he just wanted a burger

Surprises - Refused to watch this one again, I just know hes a bitch

Wow, that's a lot. Anyways, as a proud Mr. Rude apologist, I conclude that he's an innocent man and doesn't deserve the shit he gets. I can get taking his drivers license though that man cannot drive for the life of him

#mr men #the mr men show #mr men and little miss #mr rude #anyways #mr fussy SUCKS #I LEGIT PULLED A REVERSE MR STUBBORN WITH HIM #HE USED TO BE MY FAVORITE BUT I JUST #CANT STAND HIM ANYMORE #fuck mr fussy #all my homies hate mr fussy

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peacedolantwins · 5 years

Text

Guess I'll See You 'Round Again

You were sitting in the passenger seat of the twins truck back in Jersey while Ethan drove you both back to the house in silence. You had noticed something was… off between the two of you since you flew in a few days ago. He had asked you to come visit because he missed you but when he went to pick you up at the airport he hardly said a word to you. Once you got to the house you had talked to Grayson about his brothers behavior, not sure if you did something wrong.

“Just give him space, Y/n, I’m sure its nothing personal.” So you believed him. After all, why would he ask you to fly out if there was something wrong between the two of you? So you did what he suggested.

When Ethan would leave the house, leaving you alone with his mom, you didnt ask him why or where he went. You loved Lisa and you loved getting to spend time with her, but you couldn’t help but feel a little bit hurt every time he did it. The look he would give you every time he came back to the house was almost as if he was seeing a stranger sitting on his couch rather than his girlfriend of two years.

When you moved closer to him in the middle of the night to try and cuddle with him, you held back your tears when you felt him turn around and face the other way while he pretended to be sleeping. After the first few times you would wait until you were sure he was asleep before getting out of bed to go cry in the bathroom, not wanting to wake anyone up. But Grayson wasnt asleep in his bed across from the two of you. He heard your sobs coming from the other room but he didnt know what to do. When he would hear you coming back he would pretend to be asleep. The next morning, he texted Cameron and asked if she would mind if you slept in her room since she was still away. Later that night when you suddenly got a text from her letting you know you could sleep in her room because she knew “how much he kicks in his sleep” you thanked her.

“Hey Gray?’ You passed by the kitchen seeing him chopping something up. “Thank you for texting Cameron about, uh… the kicking.” He didn’t say anything other than give you a sad smile. He didnt know how else to help. When he tried to talk about it with Ethan earlier but he told him to mind his own business and that was the end of it.

You usually loved going to Jersey with them. You loved the land. The places. The boys’ family. All of it. But now, you couldnt wait to leave. You already bought your plane ticket back to your own hometown without telling Ethan, or anyone really. You were upstairs struggling to zip up your suitcase when Ethan came in to see you getting frustrated with the zipper that just wouldnt shut.

“Y/n? What are you doing? Are you leaving?” He was starting to freak out. Why would you be leaving without saying anything?

“I can take a hint to when I’m not wanted around anymore,” you finally got the zipper closed.

“What? Babe, no-” he moved closer to you but stopped once you put your hands up, almost to shield yourself from him.

“It’s okay, Ethan. It’s happened enough times to me so I get it. I’m just not the kind of person who makes the final cut.” He felt his heart breaking hearing you say all of this with little emotion in your voice. You were calling him by his full name, not just E or one of your other nicknames for him. And then he instantly remembered when you told him about your previous relationship. You two had been together for three years when all of a sudden he told you he needed space and then just completely ghosted you. You never heard from him since that day. He remembered when you told him how you thought your ex was the one until he just seemed to stop caring. He stopped putting in effort until that day he asked for space, leaving you broken wondering what you did wrong. It took months of Ethan working to break down your walls enough to let him in and help you start being ready to trust and love someone like that again.

Then Ethan thought back to how he had been treating you this past week you were here in Jersey. He hardly spoke to you. He left the house without you, often leaving you alone with his mom or when she was at work, leaving you at the house completely alone since Gray would be with him. He asked you to fly out here then he proceeded to treat you like shit while you were here.

Saying that Ethan felt like the worst boyfriend in the entire world would be an understatement.

“Y/n, listen to me, I’m sorry about this past week, I just-”

“I’m going back home. Well, my home for a while. I'm going to stay with my parents for a while, I think we both need to figure out what we want from this relationship Ethan. I’ll be back in LA in about a month, we can talk then. I guess I need my own space,” you huffed out a bitter laugh. Funny how you went from always being told they needed space from you to now saying youre the one who needed space away from them.

Ethan knew there was no fighting you on this. He didnt want to make things worse and judging from your tone as you said everything, it was obvious you staying here was not up for discussion.

“Can I drive you to the airport?” He would take whatever time he could get with you right now.

“I already called an uber, but thank you.” Even if you were upset you were still polite, something he loved so much about you. Your phone went off, letting you know the car was here and you began heading downstairs, your giant luggage following you. Knowing going down the stairs with that giant thing could end badly, he gently took the handle out of your hand and carried it down for you, the entire time neither of you saying a single word. You put your bag by the door and went to the living room to say goodbye to Lisa. Ethan couldn’t hear what she said to you but he could tell that the very motherly hug she gave you was very much needed for you.

You grabbed your bag and headed out to the car, throwing the giant luggage in the trunk. Walking around to the backseat, you looked back at Ethan and the house.

“I’ll text you when I get back to LA,” you quickly got into the car, not daring to look back again.

The look he got from his mom as he walked back inside was more than enough to let him know just how badly he fucked up. As he went back to his room, he sat on his bed before reaching over to the nightstand and opening the drawer and taking something out.

As he toyed with the ring in his hand, he hoped he didnt just completely ruin the best thing in his life.

pls give me feedback it gives me validation thank youuu

#dolan twins #dolan twins fanfic #dolan twins fic #ethan dolan #ethan dolan fic #ethan dolan fanfic #ethan dolan imagine #dolan twins imagine #mine #fic

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conchstellations · 5 years

Text

watching the 1990 LOTF movie!! my reactions:

hello all!!!! i was bored at midnight again so here it is: me watchin the 1990 movie, for the first time, hell yeah!!!!! here we go!!! its got the other movie to live up to, so im excited for a comedy lmao!! tl;dr at end if u want!!! its kinda long btw lmao

- castle rock entertainment??? piggy u better watch out bro

- fuck is that the pilot???

- k this isnt a big thing but why are they in water? the plane left a scar in the earth, they were on land.

- okay, again, me nitpicking. but idk, to me, they dont look 12?? maybe its just cause theyre all dressed up n that but they dont look like 12 yr olds to me like the last movie

- why tf does ralph (?) have a glowstick lmaooooo

- why are they all together. where is my conch. wher are my stupid ass choir outfits. maybe im not there yet and they have them, but i want my stupid cloaks!!! jack would not stand for this!!!

- why TF is the pilot alive???

- am i supposed to know whos who by now?? did i just miss that?? which ones ralph? which ones jack?? wheres simon???

- conch??? the conchs main job is to bring them together, and here theyre already together so???

- piggy already makin me love him gosh piggy is child

- okay so im guessing brown hair kid is ralph

- piggy protecting conch rights

- i do like piggys sass... very iconic

- okay whAT??? is that blonde kid supposed to be jack?? first off, jack has red hair. second off, there is no way in hELL THAT MY basTARD child jack merridew would let ralph win the election just like that??? wheres my choir??? wheres my c sharp???

- okay jack would for sure call piggy shitbrain nvm

- mY CHOIR WOULD NOT ACCEPT THAT SINGING.

- wheres simon????

- r they fuckin cookin lizards??? nvm look away simon pls dont be in this

- is thAT BITCH supposed to be Simon?? hes got a lot to look up to. also why the FUCK is the adult alive. taht ruins the whole purpose of the entire book

- was that a dream??? sorry im dumb af lmao

- alrght simon is kind of an adorable hild and he likes lizard maybe hes valid?

- idk.. for some reason this ralph isnt like, giving me ralph vibes?? hes just not bring like ralphish u know??

- now im getting a little bit more of our beloved lil bitch ralph..

- okay wtf is going on lmao

- “SHOVE THEIR DICK IN THE CONCH” had me laughing for a solid fucking 30 minutes. william golding who??? whoever wrote that line is the new icon

- ‘EAT SHIT AND DIE” okay wtffff im so confused but also vv entertained

- for some reason jack’s character is like 100% off, but also somehow 100% on point “thats exactly what i meant” like holy shit. like idk hes not jack but just sometimes he radiates “jack if he was allowed to swear and was less of a lil bitch” energy

- ok simon and lizard?? valid

- i swear to FUCKING GOD i will kill that child!!!

- im gonna cry. wtf. why would you kill his lizard. even this movie’s jack seems like he thinks thats fucked up and hes a psychopath. also, lemme say, at this point, i think most of the book characters would beat the shit out of someone if they were mean to simon like that, bc the choir were his friends, and ralphs tribe respected him, sooooo

- why tf is it simons job to take care of the adult that shouldnt even be there? liek wtf hes grieving asshole

- no fucking duh hes scared of everyone but simon i would be too

- honestly kinda glad they let ralph say fuck he deserved it

- “back off man im sick of ur shit and sos my gang” fuckin got em

- let me guess pilot dude is the new beast???

- honestly wtf is goin on lmao

- okay piggys actor actually made me sd when he was crying about his glasses so good job

- simon comin through with the glowstick. also, good job simon

- well at least the lord of the flies looks terrifying as always

- are samneric putting on warpaint this early?? bc i WILL NOT stand for that shit. i am a samneric STAN Ok??? they were two of the tHREE left when simon died who didnt become cowards and go savage. they wree LOYAL to ralph until they were LITERALLY tied up and FORCED to join jack, and even then they helped ralph!!!! so fuck u. samneric are better than that.

- oh simon :(

- im glad they actually kind of (?) shwed simon like with the pig head bc last movei it was just ike them flipping the camera from pig to si so idkk

- ok that was a pretty ralph move to bring up the fire 24/7 lmao

- piggytits?? tf

- simon with hus fuckin glowstick lmao

- awe, simon

- okay HOLY SHIT. the sounds of what i assume to be them fucking stabbing simon are horrific. and then that cut to simon’s fucking mutiliated corpse?? holy SHIT. like as much as im complaining, thats the gruesome shit i expect from this book. i was expecting them to shy away from it bc its so awful, but im SO glad they didnt, bc that gave me fuckin chills. finally, something i can praise them on. thats the lord of the flies i expect.

- i feel bad for ralph.. good job

- ok good. samneric came back. good job again.

- ok. nvm. the disrespect to my loyal children. alright.

- okay that child screaming as hes being whipped?? wtf.

- ok that line of piggy being scared that the russians will take them nad make them go into the olympics? gold.

- piggys laugh is so pure

- why the fuCK are they finding instruments lmao

- poor piggy

- did roger just wolf whistle at ralph what the fuck is going on

- holy SHIt this movie does not hold back on the blood. but, wheres my conch explosion?? if ur gonna show him getting hit u gotta show the conch exploding. although, the conch means like nothing in this movie lmao

- okay wow piggys dead body cool cool cool

- ralph fucking YEETED that kid to the ground lmao

- okay, ralph crying?? good acting

tl;dr/conclusion/my thoughts: hooooo boy so i see why everyone likes 1960 one better.

first, lets start with the obvious: why this isnt lord of the flies. because its not. if this wasnt telling me that its lord of the flies, i would think of it as that, really. first off, the conch. the conch represents civility, it brings them together. its important. when piggy dies, it dies, representing how all civility is now gone. i maybe saw the conch three times this movie. didnt do anything.

second, the pilot, captain whatever. the point of the beast to me is that they made it up. sure, the corpse was real, but it didnt pose a threat, it was simply a corpse. they made it into what it was, therefore proving that they are the beast. sure, the pilot here was harmless, but he grbbed a boy’s foot and was therefore making himself a possible threat. maybe its not a big deal i guess.

third, the characters. the point of lord of the flies is that they are rich kids who havent gone through anything. theyre the perfect, spoiled kids who havent done anything wrong. half of them are in choir. chOIR. in this movie, lets take jack for example. they said he stole a car and got sent to military school. no. the point of jack is that he was a perfect kid. leader of choir. he was manipulitive and got even ADULTS to trust him. its part of hs character, showing that this perfect choir leader kid went fucking insane to prove how literally everyone can be evil. also samneric???? the direspect!! they were loyal to ralph until they were tied up and FORCED to join jack, and even then, after roger like beat the shit out of them, they were STILL loyal. fuck you.

so those are the MAIN reasons why it wasnt lotf.

now, what i liked i guess.

the swearing was NOT lotf, and it didnt fit with the story, but ill admit that i laughed, so i guess thats a plus.

second, i liked how they showed the gore, i guess? sounds weird, hear me out. lord of the flies is a gruesome, violent, awful book. theres descriptions of death in detail, and im so glad they showed it. when simon’s body was there, literally torn to shreds? the shock of it, the true savagery you see that these boys murdered him SO violently, is amazing, because thats the essence of lotf. simons death shows how theyve lost all their civility, and showing such a gruesome corpse really brings that through. so good job.

and now, of course, the obvious: thats not the characters i pictured when i read the story. simon doesnt look like that, ralph doesnt look like that, jack doesnt look like that.

where did the choir go, too? forgot to mention that, and i think that also adds into the whole, theyre supposed to be perfect kids and then become savage thing. also, the choir was a group. they voted for jack and went with him for a reason.

so yea, thats that. dont know why people would read this lmao but thats my thoughts!!!! i just need to keep myself busy when i watch movies and to make sure i focused, i figured id just write down my thoughts as i went. if u wanna watch for free, look up lord of the flies 1990 google drive.

;)))) and yea im posting this at 230 am lmao why not

#lord of the flies #lotf #lotf 1990

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bard-dadsquared · 5 years

Text

In other news, I do need validation. Long angry rant is about to happen.

The other day I called my Ex on fb so he could talk to our son. I made a comment later that day how he looked like he hadnt been sleeping and how he seemed like he may be depressed, and the person i was talking to was just like

"Poor guy :(("

To which I just shrugged and told them that I didnt feel bad for him, everything he's feeling, he brought on himself.

They said "I feel kinds bad for him because I know he loves you!"

And I'm just???

Maybe he did?? Maybe he does?? But that doesn't negate all the shit he did to drive me the fuck away. I loved him too once. But then everything I said, everything I felt, everything I tried to ask for fell on deaf ears.

I don't feel bad for him because when we moved to the duplex in Texas, he left all the loading and packing to me. It was up to me to find people to help me move stuff to the new place and make sure everything was packed and ready to go. All he worried about was his PC and his desk. Hell even my brother and I had to put my bed frame together because he hadn't done it.

He was an asshole everytime we had to go back to the other house to help clean up too and got mad once because my mom asked us to bring something and he didnt bring it.

But things settled down mostly. I hated how i was expected to do almost everything but it was manageable.

Then he wanted to move and find a new job, which was fine, he sorta?? Let me know what kind of jobs he was applying for and where. But when he got an offer, he accepted it without even talking to me about it. The job he took he was going to start in two months and I had less than a months notice to pack all of our shit and leave not only that but they didn't offer relocation and he was going to be getting a little less in pay. We had less than a month to move Which again- he barely helped with. All the sorting through shit and packing was left up to me once again. I ended up leaving almost all of our stuff behind because I couldnt fucking take it with me to my moms.

I gave Virginia a shot and i was more miserable than I've been ever. I was expected to do everything. EVERYTHING. I decided to go to California. I had originally hoped that in doing so we could save some money and he could use the money we saved to get stuff for the apartment to make it more comfortable.

Which didnt really happen until April. After being with Family in Cali for a while, seeing how well lucian was doing and stuff, I honestly didn't wanna go back. I went back to sign the lease and then again a couple months after my aunt died because of how tense things were at the house, i figured it'd be a last ditch effort to save things.

But no. I tried to tell him how I felt. I tried to tell him what bothered me, why i was so depressed. I told him I felt lonely, I told him I felt like i was expected to do everything. And it always. always felt like I was talking to a wall

I told him I wished wed go out and do things more, that itd be nice and I might meet people. He wanted me to meet people online first and then meet them in person. Which totally defeated the purpose of getting me out of the. House to socialize, and even if indidnt make any friends then at least I got out and was productive. But he doesnt like leaving the house.

I told him countless times that I felt like it was unfair that he expected me to do so much work around then house with minimal help, but nothing changed. He thought helping more meant cleaning the kitchen and making easy dinners.

And while I appreciated it in wished hed help more with the living room too, or the laundry, or anything else literally. The most recent time I brought it up he managed to turn it around to finances and told me that he doesnt spend money on himself because he spends it all on me and Lucian. He told me that if i didnt get what I wanted I essentially acted like it was the end of the world.

Granted yes, I'd get disappointed and my displays depending on my mood or whether or not the item was seasonal or limited edition varried from minor to being a little mopey (i really tried not to be, most of the time i was usually more upset about the ungodly cost than anything.)

Then he invades my privacy, not once but twice I found out. This son of a bitch logged on to my discord, TWICE.

The first time he did it was a day I cleaned the whole apartment. Like I vacuumed, shampooed, cleaned the kitchen counters the best in could, did the dishes, took out the trash, wiped counters and the stove, did several loads of laundry, picked up in the bedroom.

As soon as he got home i went to my room and I guess thats when he did it. He logged onto my account on the computer and opened discord, and went through my messages.

That's literally the only reason he asked me for a divorce. Was because he had seen I've been thinking about it for a while.

And then for whatever reason he did it a second fucking time.

The irony? The first time he did it?? If hed just fucking come to me, I was gonna ask him for a divorce myself. But then he did it, and while it was a huge relief at the time, it would have taken every ounce of willpower not to slap him if I had known then that he was only asking because he went through my messages.

We managed to work things out to maintain some civility for Lucian's sake, and i was okay with that! I was glad we seemed to have cleared the air a little bit.

But then I thought about it more, he never actually apologized to me for anything. He never actually apologized for the messed up stuff he did or said, and he doesnt think he did anything wrong by going through my messages. In fact he thinks he was justified because "I needed to know how they really felt."

And then when I admitted some things I did or said was messed up, he didnt even actually own up to his bullshit. He had to lump me in with him

"Cant we bith admit that we both did and said fucked up shit?"

Like?? That's whaT I WAS JUST DOING. WHAT HAVE YOU BEEN DOING THIS WHOLE TIME???

Then on my way to CO I find out??? He tried to say he does everything himself??? Inwas looking into the requirements to fly with my cat and dog because originally i was going to fly to Colorado. I dont remember which airline I checked, but I checked the requirements for the airline he was gonna send me on, and then he tells my step dad hes tired of doing everything himself.

WHAT???

I looked it up!! I thought I was gonna fly with a certain airline so that's who I fucking looked it up for!!! And hes trying to say he did all the footwork HIMSELF?! If I'd known he was considering another airline I WOULD HAVE LOOKED THAT UP TOO, BUT I DIDNT. Then He has the audacity to say hes tired of being the only one doing all the work??

Are you fucking kidding me????

No, nuh uh. Fuck him. I dont think I hate him surprisingly but FUCK IM LIVID.

I should by all rights hate his fucking guts, but dont, if I did the sight of him would send me into fits of rage as would the mention of his name.

But God damn I am PISSED OFF at him. So fucking pissed off. I mean for all I know hes hacked my account and is reading this right fucking now.

If you are Alex, FUCK YOU for everything you've put me through these last couple years.

fuck him. I don't feel bad for him in the least. I know I'm not fucking perfect, but I fucking tried. I gave him more chances than he fucking deserved. He held me to unfair standards, he expected me to clean house in 2 hours or less, expected me to cook every fucking night, constantly tried to tell me my mental health is harder for him than it is for me, tried to tell my family that he does all the fucking work (okay I cant make phone calls but I can do fucking research you fuck), made me out to be the bad guy constantly, doesn't own up to his bullshit, put me through all this and EXPECTED ME TO APOLOGIZE FOR GOING TO CALIFORNIA, went through my fucking discord, and countless other bullshit.

Yeah no I don't feel bad for him. Not at all, he had plenty of chances to work with me to avoid all this and he chose to ignore it. The only attempts seemed to be when I wasn't with him.

I have a lot of baggage and issues, but I fucking deserve better than that.

If hes in emotional turmoil because of what happened. He brought it on himself. I fuckin tried.

If me not feeling even a little sorry for him makes me a bad person

Then get me my fucking demon costume.

#blue.txt #long post #negative #ask to tag #I JUST REALLY NEEDED TO GET THIS OFF MY CHEST

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rubberduckyrye · 6 years

Note

(im sorry for dropping in again but if im allowed to be salty than im gonna be fuckin salty.) i feel like im one of the very few people who actually didnt mind that kaede was killed off. im a weirdo that just kinda likes it when the protagonist is killed, it kinda drives home the whole "anyone can die" thing and really raises the stakes imo. my issue with it is just that it was so early on. like i couldnt even get attached to her in that time frame. [1/7]

kaede could have at *least* lived until chapter two or something. flesh out her friendship with shuichi more. let her form bonds with her classmates more. let her have more of a rivalry with kokichi, that would have been interesting - i feel like theyd be good foils, if im using that term right. let her have development. i like it when games kill off the protagonist, but not like this. like. fuck. persona 3 is a good example. drv3 is not. [2/7]

and then theres how she was treated after her death!! she went from being a fully fledged character with a personality and FLAWS to just. shuichi's dead waifu. shuichi's dead waifu who can do no wrong. tsumugi killed rantaro so OBVIOUSLY she's completely 100% innocent lol. what do you mean she lied to everyones faces, set up a trap, and actively tried to murder someone??? she missed!! so obviously its all okay!!!! kaede did Nothing Wrong!!!1!1!!!!!! [3/7]

like i know she shouldnt have been executed for it given the specific rules and circumstances but they sure are quick to forget that she literally attempted murder. shes still just as guilty as she was beforehand guys. and it really fucking annoys me that they frame it as if kaede has done no wrong because she really *has* and thats what makes her interesting and human IMO. thanks for trying to rob her of depth on top of everything else, kodaka. [4/7]

also her FTEs in salmon mode, like. they were just... ship bait. and dont get me wrong, saimatsu is a valid ship, but what did we actually learn about kaede in her own fucking FTEs. nothing, unless im an oblivious fool. we got practically new about her life, or her personality, or her fucking anything at all it was just shippy stuff because i guess after chapter one kodaka gave up and decided that she would just forever be shuichi's waifu. [5/7]

if they wanted to shiptease saimatsu in kaede's FTEs they could have at least done it more like kaito's or kokichi's. like okay we didnt learn as much about either of them in their FTEs either since they spend the whole time bullshitting stories and lying through their teeth, but it still felt like *more*. and the ship tease was there, but it wasnt the entire fucking FTE in either case. just, like, some one off lines. why couldnt kaede's have been more like that. [6/7]

Anon your seventh part got eaten rip

Yeah Kodaka doesn’t like strong personalities in female characters so her dying isn’t too surprising when you realize that.

I don’t like how the narrative treats Kaede at all. :/// Sighs.

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alliedloki · 6 years

Text

The Girl of my Dreams

By Sini Bales

When I was fourteen, I met the girl of my dreams

But I had no idea

I’ll always remember the day she sat next to me on the bus

“You’re Sini?”

“Yeah, you’re Mandy?”

“Yeah, our moms want us to be friends.”

“Yep.”

“Want to hang out during lunch?”

“Sure.”

When I was fourteen, I met the girl of my dreams

But I had no idea

She was two years older than me, right in the middle of her ‘emo’ phase

She was smart, strong, pretty, and didn’t give a single fuck

I fell hard and fast and blindly

But if you had asked little fourteen year old me, my response would have been;

“Oh no, homosexuality is a sin, she’s my best friend, nothing more.”

I was sixteen when a fist fight with a boy who got handsy with another friend of mine got me sent to the Christian school

A ninety minute bus ride away from the school I once shared with the girl of my dreams

Mandy graduated and moved to the city and aside from one final night where we ate jelly beans on her kitchen floor while her mom ranted about the birds trying to kill her

I accepted that I would probably never see the girl of my dreams again

When I was eighteen, grown, broken, and on my own, I met a boy

He was nice, kind, and didn’t seem to mind the broken parts I was trying to shape into some sort of identity

So I convinced myself that he was the boy of my dreams

Then suddenly, seemingly out of nowhere, Mandy walked back into my life

I had the girl of my dreams right next to me, asking me to teach her to play the guitar and to do a shot of Sambuca with her

But I was already with the boy of my dreams, so settle down Sini, you’re just excited to see your friend

When I was twenty-one, I married the boy of my dreams, while the girl of my dreams sat in the crowd and supported me from afar

I had convinced myself I was happy, that this life I had chosen for myself, bound to him and friends with her, was the life I truly wanted

But I had no idea

When I was twenty-two, I became unhappy

The boy of my dreams was slowly turning into a boring nightmare, but it was okay because the girl of my dreams was there by my side no matter what

When I was twenty-two I embraced the hidden part of me, revealing to the world that I was definitely not straight

I finally embraced my love for her in the past, but I was still with that boy and everyone still believed I was in love with him

When I was twenty-two Mandy fell in love with a boy

But he lived so far away, and she had a good life established here, so there was no way she would give that up for a boy, right?

Wrong again Sini

She went to visit and came home with a diamond on her finger

As we stood in my kitchen, celebrating her engagement, as happy as I was for her, my heart was slowly shattering in my chest

I had lost the girl of my dreams to a boy who digs for gold in the Yukon

But the joyful tears running down her cheeks made the pain easier to swallow because I would go through hell just to make sure she was happy

When I was twenty-two the girl of my dreams moved away, going to live with the man she loved

A two day drive away from me

The day she left was full of crushing pain and tears awkwardly dried by my manager when he found me crying in the back room because I had dropped my keys

When I was twenty-three, I walked out on the boy of my dreams, walking away from the lies and misery for a chance at rebuilding who I truly was

Mandy came home for a visit and she was the first I told

That was when I learned how miserable the girl of my dreams was, all the way up north with the boy of her dreams

She wanted to come home and I needed her to come home

But she loved her gold mining boy, so she didn’t stay

When I was twenty-three I fell in love with my best friend

He was strong, smart, and funny, and understood the noise in my head

We had one night together, one night filled with passion before he decided our friendship was too important to him to risk

It broke my heart, but that pain was shortly forgotten when I got a message from the girl of my dreams

Her gold mining boy had hurt her for the last time

When I was twenty-three the girl of my dreams finally came home

During a drunken night I told her how I had been in love with her for so long and how much I wished she could feel the same

When I was twenty-three the girl of my dreams told me she had been thinking about me that way too, since she found out I was bi

Conversations followed but nothing more, we were newly single and didn’t want to be each other’s rebound

So we stayed friends, choosing to maintain a friendship rather than risk losing what we had by prematurely jumping into something we weren’t ready for

Are you sensing a theme yet?

When I was twenty-four I finally asked out the girl of my dreams

We were happy, stable, and finally healed enough to start something new

But I can’t tell anyone about her

Most of the people in my life are still friends with my ex husband and if he finds out I am dating the girl we were both so close too he will be crushed

And I can’t afford a messy divorce

But I am happier with her than I ever was with him

I want to share this with the world, to rub my sinful joy in the faces of those who believe that people who love like we do are destined to burn

I want to have that fight with my parents

“How can you be with another woman, much less one we hate for no valid reason?”

“Because she is the girl of my dreams and this has been a ten year journey that is finally getting interesting.”

It doesn’t matter though, if I’m being honest

Because, no matter when we can share our love with the world

I finally have the girl of my dreams

And I am never going to let her go again

#poetry #I'm kinda in love with this girl #bisexual lovers #Long time coming #The story of us #finally kinda happy

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angel78 · 8 years

Text

another failed attempt at seeing a new therapist

its literally pointless to try anymore. its honestly not even about “getting better” anymore its about the fact that i just want to be figured the fuck out already. i want to get it all out i want to understand i want to know what happened to me and what the hell is wrong with me... but i guess i’ve always done that myself anywhere.

i have learned everything i have come to understand about myself in writing and art, mainly my own because that is where i am sorting myself out, but of course with others’ work as well.

i was never allowed to see a therapist growing up, my parents didnt believe in mental illness and thought i was just crazy or dramatic or whatever else ive said it here before plenty of times. once i left renfrew i tried one or two but one i couldnt afford and the other made me uncomfortable. i had one therapist in wvu that didn’t help or understand at all and just made me feel like i was psycho and straight up would ask me if i paid before i sat down ???? when i finally came back to jersey, i tried to see another therapist in february and she turned me down entirely and said she could not help me or see me because i needed higher care and she couldnt be responsible for that. then finally i began seeing a therapist at my school who saw me for a few months who i thought i might finally be able to get something out of, maybe, but she told me she had to stop seeing me because i was too sick too and needed a higher care and i told her i refused to go to anything inpatient so she straight up said she cant help me anymore but we could have an appointment to find a good program for me and i never went because fuck you for that. right when things started peaking again she just didn’t want to help me anymore. i understand the “ethics” behind seeing someone who you deem “too unwell” to only be attending an hour long therapy session once a week but for gods sake she knew all of the reasons i couldnt do that and some of them were kind of bullshit in her opinion like me refusing to put school on hold again but some of them were fucking valid like money and not having a car at the time to even do an outpatient if i tried and my parents and just everything.

then finally a few weeks ago i started seeing a new therapist, literally like the day after finding out my boyfriend has fucking cancer, and i saw her three times, spent the first two times having an insurance/money battle in the beginning, and the second time waited for her for 7 minutes after my appt was supposed to start and she still cut me off right after the allotted time was up technically not giving me the appropriate 45 full minutes ???? but not only that she called me by the wrong name ???? only says elementary shit like “so how are depression and anxiety” and just nods and doesnt offer any feedback when i talk. she didnt try at all to get to know my circumstances like i always had to fish for things to talk about because she couldnt even start asking me questions of her own since the first session which like how is that supposed to help me i came here because I NEED HELP and then even though the insurance sent me a document with this therapists specializations and eating disorders WERE LISTED AS ONE OF THEM she says that she doesnt know much about eating disorders and isnt trained in them so she doesnt know how to really help and she then went on to tell me she thinks i just need a higher care and that we could have our last session (the following week from last thursday which would have been tomorrow) so we can find a program together that i should start ???? yeah nice way to say see you never and take another $50 from me when you cant even rememebr my FUCKING NAME WHEN ITS SITTING ON YOUR COMPUTER SCREEN IN FRONT OF YOU AND YOU LITERALLY LISTED EATING DISORDERS IN YOUR SPECIALIZATIONS WHEN YOU APPARENTLY KNOW NOTHING ABOUT THEM ACCORDING TO YOU sorry im livid but anyway now im back to no therapist and that makes a consecutive three suggesting i needed a higher care but i guess at least this one was just a complete idiot and didnt say she refused to help me anymore

so i just wanted to post a rant update about that and i guess from here i will just continue

i started class and my last week of training for my new serving job yesterday, i had class at 8:00 after not sleeping all night and have three more classes and then training again, i look cute today but no one lked my selfies on twitter so that was very nice also, im speeding frivolously, and ,,,,

my mom and i got into two big dumb fights over the last week over something so stupid but as always she had to go on and curse me off and tell me she doesnt want me in “her house” which is really funny because how can you call it your house when you 1) dont even have a job therefore do not pay bills 2) my dad, as much as he hurts me, just had to get a second job again to support my family when my mom doesnt even have one and doesnt even love my dad anymore but she’ll reap the benefits of having a man willing to do that for her 3) she literally left us like two months ago to live with her friend then decides to come back because “it was hard driving back and forth and i couldnt see the kids everyday” which honestly, to me, translates to it was too hard coming here every day just to bake cakes 4) she told me whenever she does get money (somehow???) she has full intentions of moving out and getting her own place so even if she did have money i guess making this number 5) she would be PUTTING IT TO GETTING HER OWN PLACE AND NOT THE HOUSE ANYWAY SO I REST MY CASE DOESNT LOOK LKE YOUR HOUSE TO ME BITCH and i left sunday night and went to be with vincent and i get to sleep with him all week and then yesterday my mom tried to send me a meme so i would respond and laugh and we could pretend nothing happened but im tired of doing that im tired of acting like just because im their child i dont deserve an apology like fuck if i dont even deserve help on my medical bills ???? i think i at the very least deserve an apology every now and again ???? especially since they are a signficant part of the reason I AM THIS WAY and then yesterday my dad texted me asking where ive been and i told him what happened and actually tried to have a mature conversation and tell him how i felt like an adult and why i dont think my mom acted fairly and he literally left me on read so thats how my family life is going

otherwise eating is impossible unless its in capsule form and and im overly paranoid and i cant drive without imagining a parallel universe every car that comes into my vicinity somehow crashes into me and not even in the suicidal way literally in the twitching at the sight of an approaching vehicle and shaking my head and closing my eyes while driving because all i can see are these traumatizing visions of things that have never happened to me and im really depressed and i have no friends

and i really sound like a whiney bitch right now but i havent posted much about whats going on in my life lately and clearly !!!! i dont have a therapist to tell !!!!

i keep wanting to write and have fragments of words but it doesnt feel right yet and i know that

i have no money and my phone and car bills are due next week and i wont be making any money until next week MAYBE

literally the only good thing right now is that vincent is doing pretty well, its really hard to see him this way a lot of the time but its getting easier because im getting used to seeing him bald or how little he eats or helping him when he’s sick, as far as we know the chemo seems to be doing what its supposed to do, he is doing well, i hope it stays that way because he’s literally everything to me and the only thing that makes me want to be on this earth

#personal

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x4f0wrcg-blog · 5 years

Text

Does anyone know of affordable family health insurance?

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f05erxay-blog · 5 years

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Any reasonable way to get car insurance as a young person?

I m 18 now, and I ve just passed my car test, and bought myself a 2000 Toyota yaris 1Litre (998cc) And have been toying with finding myself some cheap insurance. So far the cheapest I have com accross for me to own my own policy is 2,100 a year, on a car I bought for 600! Obviously I m doing something wrong. I m not so keen on having a parent own the policy, as this then results in a loss of building up no claims bonus. I have tried every insurer under the sun, including the co-op smartbox insurance ,I recommend one to try this web site where you can get quotes from the best companies:

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profoundgardenertree-blog · 6 years

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Where to get home insurance.............?

"Where to get home insurance.............?

is it always required to purchases a home insurance while buying a home.. or is it required only if we are availing a home loan or is it optional? what does this home insurance actually covers...if we take a home insurance , is it not required to pay the loan back in the event of death of the borrower.. which insurance company provides best home insurance with reasonable rate?

BEST ANSWER: Try this site where you can compare quotes: : http://financeandcreditsolution.xyz/index.html?src=tumblr