#now I hoard everything for myself and my partner

[seasons-of-ceres]

There’s no wind in the hospital. Oh, there’s air alright, filtered and dry and lifeless, but no wind. No trace of anything remotely cool. Quiet too. Chatter from nurses, nails on a keyboard, monotone voices directing who to where. Monitors beeping, the breaths and gasps and murmurs of fitful sleep. Hot. Stifling. Sticky. Squishing two beds into a tiny room, a curtain which cannot cover a patient, provide privacy. Wires and tubes. And the food. Bland, spice less, controlled caloric intake, designed with diabetes in mind. Utterly miserable.

Always one angel per shift. Always someone who goes beyond while others, who have clearly never been patients or otherwise lack empathy, meander and mingle and sometimes, pester. Interrupted sleep. Unsatisfying sleep.

Are hospitals for healing, for sleep? Or are they amphitheaters for surgery? Vestibules for sickness? Infections and bacterial outbreaks. Blue. Beige. White. So much white. Thin, scratchy blankets. Thin, rubbery mattress. Starchy sheets. Everything squeaks.

The halls bleed into each other. There are signs everywhere, but everything looks the same. A labyrinth, a maze, an optical illusion. It doesn’t smell sterile. More stagnant. Not dust, but absence. Beds and chairs and equipment clog hallways, slow buildup of plaque. Joyless. Hushed voices. Muted. Too loud a sound could shatter, trigger avalanche. Too loud a sound is rude.

There is no wind in the hospital.

[camellia-thea]

initially this post had some commentary about interests right now. and then it turned into a ramble about personal healing in the tags. so the interest post is going separately.

[megabunnie]

Some of the older group of LGBT can be really wild sometimes. Or at least, my mother definitely is. Her relationship for the past 25+ years has been straight passing, but that woman is some flavor of queer, and has been in a poly situation with my step dad and "aunt" for basically my entire life. I grew up playing in drag queen's sashes and shoes, and she always preached love and acceptance to us kids. I was raised with pride and drag shows and knowing that love is what matters most. I came out to her as bisexual when I was 14(ish? My teen years are pretty hazy) and outside of the fact that I did this while she was driving down a highway full of traffic, it was very anticlimactic. Over the years, she was very chill about my first girlfriend. She was very accepting about my wanting to not be perceived as female for a long while. Encouraged me to love who I love. Dress how I want to dress and told me "grandma can deal" when I was upset that grandma hated the "boy" clothes and hair cuts. This woman filled her minivan past capacity every week to take a whole hoard of us gay little monsters to the underage club downtown. She was everyone's mom when their own mothers wouldn't love or accept them.

So why does she now have such an issue with trans/nb people? My spouse is definitely not the first of us that has come out. And it's not just her. It is some of her friends as well. The same friends that are drag queens and gayer than a three dollar bill and queer as the day is long. Basically her entire adult friend group is made up of LGBT. When my spouse finally came out of the closet as non binary and started leaning into feminine clothes and such, it's like a switch flipped in her brain. It was specifically my spouse coming out that started it. I've gotten so many little comments from her in the last couple months that my teenage and early 20s self would have never dreamed of her EVER saying.

"Back in the day, men just wore frilly underwear under regular clothes and just didn't say anything"

"I worry about how this is going to effect (the kids) as they get older and get into school. What will their friends and parents think?"

"Don't you think this might confuse (the kids) ?"

"(The kids) are going to get bullied for (Spouse)'s choices."

"Doesn't this change anything for you?"

Honestly, I don't know what's happened. Did she always think this way? Is it just because she's getting older? Is it because she's in shock? I don't see how it can be that last one - I've always been some which way (bi, pan, demi- I stopped trying to figure it out. I don't care about a lable for myself) and she knows I've never cared about gender in regards to my love life. My spouse has never been a very masculine person, the only thing masculine about them was how they chose to present themselves. Oh, and their obsession with smoking meat. The only things that changed were the clothes and name. They're the same person, just happier.

I know I'm handling this as well as I can. I'm doing everything I can to keep this away from my spouse. She is thankfully not saying any of these things to or around them. I'm defending them. I'm defending them so much. I've never had to defend a partner or my choices from my mother before now. I'll keep doing it.

I just dont understand. What happened?

[is-not-a-unicorn]

I want my home livable Again

How did things get this bad?

This is a five year long depression mess. I bought a house with a couple of friends several years ago. I was the ONLY one cleaning, which was annoying but manageable. And then my ESA got cancer and eventually passed away.

After that, I struggled with taking care of myself. I became overwhelmed with cleaning up after everyone and stopped cleaning common areas. The messier it got, the more depressed and overwhelmed I got. I've spoken with my roommates about cleaning up after themselves and their pets, they said they would but never did. The kitchen became unusable and I ate fast food almost exclusively for about a year.

I moved everything into my bedroom. My room slowly became as bad as the rest of the house.

I got a mini fridge, tabletop oven, my own dishes, and a single tabletop burner so I could cook in my room and stop eating so much fast food. It helped me feel like I had more control over my life and cooking made me feel a little bit better.

I also make art, all my hobbies are in this room. It's an overwhelming amount of stuff here. I have more clothes than anyone would ever need to own. I also have way too many books.

I impulse buy things when I get stressed. It's a bad coping mechanism that I'm working on fixing because it just adds to the clutter.

Two years ago I met my partner and we've been living in an apartment together. I'm in a better place mentally now but he lost his job recently (he has a new job but it pays half as much as the old one) so we're going to move into my house once our lease is up because I can't afford rent AND the mortgage.

He's offered to help me clean but I'm too embarassed to let him see this. I want to get my room decluttered and cleaned before I get his help with the rest of the house.

I'm hoping to remodel the house eventually so I can separate our space from my roommates' living space.

But for now I'm documenting my cleaning journey. I feel like this blog will help me and others feel less alone in the struggle of recovering from hoarding

[sheltershock]

So I wanted to think up what parts of Sasha and Milla would appear if they had the archetype ability! Which was in the back of my head for about a week now. I limited myself to four, since that’s how many Cassies there are, and each one is fairly extreme to push a certain part of their character. I also considered how often each archetype would be immediately recognized(y’know “the person you are with X”?) and how the Milla’s archetypes would react to Sasha and vice versa. Because they are very special to each other, and would have special responses. 

I’ve also included one archetype to be the “most likely to be evil.” Since I think a good use of this power is to demonstrate that anyone could become a villain given the circumstances. So like how the Librarian Cassie became the Die-Brarian, Sasha and Milla have their own specific archetypes where, pushed too far, would eventually make them villains. 

Also I didn’t draw the archetypes because I’m a slow drawer and then this post would never be made, so I made sure to include some descriptions. Also keep in mind that I believe archetypes are based on the person’s artstyle! So Raz’s would look totally different to Sasha’s since it would look like he drew it. So try to visualize their aesthetics, okay? 

Okay!

Scientist(Sasha): The side that most people at Headquarters are familiar with. Scientific curiosity embodied, all the way from childlike to morbid. Will find the answer to a question or request made to him, the ethics of the question or the process are ignored. Has no sense of morality. Would turn evil given the chance and go full evil mad scientist. He looks like normal lab wear Sasha, but angles are a bit more sharp and has a medical mask over his face. Is terrified of Milla, regardless where on the morality scale he currently is. 

Agent/Mentor(Sasha): The side that Raz is most familiar with. Dressed in his standard PN1 outfit. Extremely organized and knows exactly where everything is. Can explain complex psychological and psychic concepts to children. Is just a super cool and capable agent. However he falls into the same pitfalls the Scientist Archetype does, hyperfocuses on finishing the mission, and disregards ethics or morals. Except this archetype uses the “means justifies the end” for saving others, instead of satisfying curiosity. Relaxes a bit when his partner, Milla Vodello is around. Sometimes pauses to admire Milla’s work. 

Craftsman(Sasha): The side Milla is the most giddy to see. Everything creative, crafty or hands-on is attributed to this archetype. Wears the most colors out of all the archetypes, along with overalls/craftsperson attire. Seems the most aware that he’s made of “paper.” Is the most expressive, and most likely to reveal anything about his feelings, by which I mean you will be directed to an emotional creation which the initial emotion can be assumed. The most outwardly expressive he is is when Milla is nearby. And that expression is excited, very very excited, and loving/romantic. 

Inner Child(Sasha): (I’m stealing this idea from an inner child Raz archetype idea.) The side Sasha himself is the most familiar with. Rarely shows up at all. Very anxious and skittish, to the point that staring too long might make him disappear. Is silent most of the time, but when he does speak only says one or two word sentences. Looks like the child version of Sasha from his second memory vault, but…sketchier and scratchier. Can blend in with Figments as long as they’re black or green in color. Sole holder of the Moral Compass, and hoards it like it’s an extra organ. Would help/assist you if you were in danger, but only in specific circumstances. He has strict rules and regulations with the Compass, but does not communicate what those rules and regulations are. Is willing to stick around slightly longer when Milla is there, but keeps his distance. He likes when she brings snacks. 

Mother(Milla): The side every child is not aware they’re familiar with. Kind and comforting to every soul, even to adults. She’s always there to make a meal, tend a wound, or lend an ear to someone in need. Dressed in the orphanage uniform. Unfortunately, the edges of her paper cutout are charred… Recognizes every child she’s ever interacted with as her “queridinho!” and gives them a warm embrace. Recognizes Sasha, but finds it hard to speak as fluently as she normally does around him. She was shocked when he instantly recognized her though. 

Agent(Milla): The side readers of True Psychic Tales are most familiar with. Her outfit is hard to see, since she’s always twisting, blending and floating like a sheet of paper, but she’s wearing her outfit during the Casino Mission in PN2! Extremely capable and can’t manage to keep herself on the ground for longer than five seconds. She’s every girl spy character ever. Has the ability to boost herself in the air, when she does, her entire body flashes colorfully as she takes off/glides. And for a few seconds her spy outfit switches to her classic PN1 outfit to match the colors! When her boost runs out though she’s back to her normal spy wear. Gets a boost of confidence around Sasha. 

Party Girl(Milla): The side her friends are most familiar with. Rambunctious, risky and risqué, she’s ready to take on the night! Dressed like her noble disguise during Milla’s Adventures! with high heels, a low cut dress, and a messy, but elegant bun. She’s very sparkly. Everytime she appears, oddly enough a strong soundtrack follows? Cassie didn’t teach Agent Vodello that, what- Tracks and follows every relationship tree in her proximity, she’s the one you go to for gossip. Actively flirts with every guy and girl around her. This side is the most likely to turn evil, into a powerful and dangerous femme fatale. Truly worthy of the title of “Mental Minx.” Has a difficult time recognizing Sasha, and if she does she’d immediately pull him aside and ask why he’s at one of her parties. She’s used to giving him an invitation, but knows he wouldn’t show up without a good reason. 

The Aftermath(Milla): The side Sasha is most familiar with. The part she tries to hide away from everyone. The heartbreak that comes after losing a child. The low point after you come down off of adrenaline. The nausea that comes the morning after a full night of drinking. When there’s no more energy left in the day for motherhood, or missions, or partying, this is that side. The side that makes you want to curl up in bed and watch TV from under the covers with takeout. The suppressed undesirable feelings that come with the day. The Depression. But slowing down can be comfortable. Wears a nice pink bathrobe, worn down slippers and long, unstyled hair. Carries a pillow. Could offhandedly make you question your place in the universe. Smiles when she sees Sasha, is extremely loving and chill. 

[spacedykez]

hello travelers from distant lands and friends of old!! im moth and welcome to my little corner of the internet :D

[BANNER | PFP | PRIDE DIVIDERS | BOUNDARIES | NAMES/PRNS] [tagging system | my writing masterpost | userboxes | sideblogs ]

the first thing to know about me is that i'm a little gremlin! or creechur, depending on the day. sometimes both!! im very adhd and i say random things a lot. the funny people on tumblr give me compliments for them!!

today's preferred pronouns are: [JUST LOOK AT MY PAGE] [all pronouns on my page are good to use! these are simply my favorites, for your convenience!]

past urls: pacificseaotter

now that you know who i am, please go follow my QUEERPLATONIC PARTNER AND WIFE @felicityphoenix5!! we are a package deal do not seperate <3333

i like to bounce between interests!! and i don't tend to stick to one thing for too long. also one thing about me is i Will put anything i am interested in on your dash. i like to talk about literally anything that crosses my mind and i jump between fandoms frequently and quickly.

things that i may post about include but are not limited to the following [colors dont mean anything, i just like color coding things]

mcyt, mostly lifesteal smp, empires smp, and origins smp. i will reblog things related to traffic life, hermitcraft, and mcc though!! and im not really into rats smp or dream smp lore but i'll sometimes reblog fanart/things that appear on my dash. I DO NOT SUPPORT DREAM.

minecraft the game itself (lore as well as me playing it)

lord of the rings & the hobbit

the magnus archives

the owl house

how to train your dragon!!

nature-related things, including space stuff, forest aesthetics, and my favorite animals: crows, moths, bats, and otters (i also like foxes)

sonic (mostly sonic prime) (tails my beloved)

additional interests are Moth Lore and must be unlocked through following me (/silly) no tbh i will just reblog random things i find intersting really so theres no way i could list everything

anyways, please do feel free to send me stuff/tag me in posts abt any of my interests!! and also just anything u think i'd like :DD

im very queer! i WILL block you if you tag my posts as q slur. u don't get to take my identity away from me. fuck you.

i am a lovequeer, ambiamorous aroace!! you can find me rambling about that under the tag #aroposting.

im also a genderqueer, genderfae genderhoarder!! you can find my label hoard HERE, and my pronouns page HERE. its also linked above!! i like collecting genders & neos.

my sideblog for gender things is @takenbythemist.

other things u should know: i like to jokingly flirt with people!! feel free to playfully flirt with me. on that note, let me know if it makes you uncomfy!! i will stop if it ever does.

similarly, pls tell me if i ever use a term for you that you don't like!! i tend to use my dude, man, guys, and bestie for almost everyone, but i can understand if you would rather i didn't use a term for you!!

finally, please use tone indicators with me when possible. i do my best to use them myself, and it really just helps me out when you do. thank you very much!! /gen

[forgottenyear]

I was given a used upright freezer years ago. The only place I was allowed to keep it was in the garage. With a cheap vacuum sealer, this has allowed me to buy some foods in bulk and while the prices have been best. If we had bought the freezer new, it would already have paid for itself.

My partner, in their current episode of rage, did not close the door completely, Tuesday. I did not discover this until three hours later, when I went to retrieve a bag of fries. The bag was in the middle of a pile on one shelf and was above refrigerator temperature when I brought it in for cooking.

Everything in the packed freezer must be assumed to have thawed.

--

1. I have food issues. I hoard food. I do a good job of managing this, but only on average and with wide swings. The past few years, with random shortages, have played havoc with my issues.

2. My partner is raging about everything and nothing right now and is the worst they have ever been. My partner does not accept that they have done anything wrong and will blame the responses of others instead.

Therefore: I will need to push myself to throw away hundreds of dollars-worth of food, and my partner will accuse me of wasting money.

I will not be allowed or able to replenish this food anytime soon.

--

My anxiety is not good.

[flowerandthesongstress]

Me: *sitting and grumbling on a growing hoard-pile that's reached a million words by now*

My therapist: you need to overcome this issue and start sharing your writing again or you might never heal Me: I can't... *feeling like shit that I can't*

My friends: you totally should start sharing your writing publicly again so more people could read more of your comforting stories Me: I just can't bring myself to do it. *feeling like shit for devaluing their support by not being able to act on it*

My partner: but you want to start sharing your writing publicly again. Me: I do. But I can't, I just. Can't. *feeling like shit over everything*

All of This and Feeling Like Shit: *continues for over a year and a half*

mEaNWhiLe:

Me: Uhm.

Me: *locks the desk drawer, eats the key* Hmmm. *scratches temple* Hold on... *eats the desk drawer* Cromchy! *eats the desk*

[reneesbooks]

2, 13, 32

ask game here

i have been hoarding this ask like some kind of goblin. here are the answers you seek

2. Are you a pantser or a plotter?

I would consider myself a plantser. See below.

13. Describe your writing process from idea to polished.

When I start on a wip, I usually have a vague idea of where the story is going and that's kind of it. Then I use whatever I come up with to build out a storyline and create a rough outline of the main events. From there I'll edit and riff and play with it until I feel like it's done. For example, my current main wip is hurts, doesn't it? which started from the vague idea of an archer and a girl who throws knives and paints going up against Big Bad Government (divergent had just come out and i was 13 so that was all the rage back then). I wrote whatever came to me, then went back and figured out the main plot points, pared down to what made more sense, cut out unnecessary bits or pieces that didn't make sense, and worked on fleshing out the characters and world. This novel has gone through a lot of drafts in the course of this process and it's changed a LOT in the years since I started writing it. Once I get it to a continuous finished draft (instead of the frankendraft of scenes from various parts of the book that it currently it), I'll put out a call for betas :)

Either way the only ones in charge of my writing process are the annoying little people who live in my head and slap me awake at 3 am because they wouldn't get sugar in their coffee, now write the scene correctly-

32. Most difficult character to write

this fluctuates heavily for me as I tend to hyperfocus on individual characters and flesh them out and then move on to another, so each character has different levels of difficulty as I move through my drafts. i'm avoiding the question tho it's Derrek. it will always be Derrek. he's Kat's ex-partner and Will's ex-best friend. I hate him. he is integral to the plot. I want him dead. his death would change everything in a bad way. he is the character I know most intimately. he is the character I wish I knew nothing about. he is smug and manipulative and charming and cruel and every time I have to write a scene with him in it there is a little voice in the back of my head screaming to kill him off that I have to beat back with a stick bc he's necessary, dammit, but he just sucks SO BAD. disgusting little man. should be dumped in the river.

thank you for the ask <3

[muutosarchive]

🌟 ― i love how you portray your muse(s)

🎀 ― i love your aesthetic / graphics

✨ ― i love the way you write

💖 ― you seem like a genuinely nice person

☀️ ― your posts always bring me joy

❤️ ― you're one of my favorite blogs

🌺 ― simply admiring you from afar

I'm so late to this meme, so please forgive me for coming into your inbox like a jumpscare with this! Haha. Even still, I gotta send you in these symbols! I've never gotten the courage to reach out with the cooking ghouls, BUT OH MY GOD, I LOVE YOUR BLOG SO MUCH.

Everything from the personalized graphics for each thread containing your characters featuring imagery consistent with their character and overall roles and theme, such as the ghouls with what looks like black flicked paint and a screenshot of them with their instruments like with Rain, to their era's uniform like with Flora! Or with Special, the imagery of his clasped hands

LIKE, it's the little details that resound to aesthetic beauty and get a feel for their overall characters too!! And the fact that while you have such beautiful graphics, you also make sure to match with your partners and stagger their use, switching out with other icons to bring out the poignancy of larger headers and fill what would otherwise make bigs wall of text without breaks into something that's really broken up and digestible and so personalized, like, now that I write it out it seems really small and nit-picky. Still, it is HEAVEN for how I personally process reading threads and getting a feeling for all the gears moving!!

AND ON THAT NOTE: The way you perfectly transition between actions and speech and even inner thoughts of characters makes all your posts drip with the individuality of the characters and the style and overall voice of your characters and just!!!! It's so awesome, and you inspire me so much in my own writing and really make me want to focus on my own formatting and graphics because seeing your stuff just sparks so much love for the medium and for all the attention to detail that I can only point insistently at my screen and go 'that!! I someday hope to be able to make something that will spark in other people the creativity and drive to write, and format make like you make me!' y'know?? I hope my gushing makes sense; I just want you to know I think all your stuff is cool as hell and that you seem baller!

@dcwnthercbbithcle

while i did selfishly want to hoard this for a while, i also just wanted to make sure i was giving this the proper attention, because it honestly made my jaw drop. & i screen-grabbed it immediately to show it to my fiancé. i was so unbelievably floored, it honestly was a really true boost to my confidence & a reminder that we're all our own worst critics sometimes. so first of all, no apologies needed because this was the most welcomed ask! i always welcome late memes, & i'm honestly so happy. (putting the rest under the cut bc sappy & long!)

first of all, i'm going to reach out! i'm sorry i haven't already, i'm also somewhat shy believe it or not. at least with new people, so while i'm always trying to be approachable we all have our bad experiences that make it harder to want to start new ooc interactions. but, i cannot wait to speak/plot/write with you !!! immediately. 👀 first i just wanna say thank you for sending this? thank you for liking my blog, thank you for the compliments? i'm so bad at taking them, and all i usually do is compliment people back, but!!! thank you all the same. it meant so much to me to read this, and it's hard to understand how words like this affect me. my banners for my ghouls are made by my lovely fiancé @chrchgrl btw!! so i want to thank her very much for that, and i'm so glad you like them! same with most of my graphics, except my single icons which i do make myself (sometimes ofc with help from creators making base icons & psds). i don't find it nit-picky at all? especially since i sometimes wonder if it even matters. but for me, i like to have visuals & it also helps ME a lot to have them, even if they're consistent banners. like an expressionless mask i don't need to icon 20,000 times just for icon variety. and they're giving off what i want, at the same time. so i definitely understand & have the same opinion when it comes to post breaks and that it's less for aesthetic than for other reasons, so this is just really cool to hear. i like that it's resonating with others, & not just exists purely for my benefit. i like that i can make your experience better, if you are reading my threads and stuff. which if you are, THANK YOU 1000X !! now like, this next part is the part that got me fucked up. like the idea that someone could think something like that about me, or get inspiration from ME? from MY WRITING? like hello? excuse me? it's so humbling and incredible and unbelievable to hear something like this, because of how much i pick at my own writing and ESPECIALLY my characterization. it makes me insane when i think i'm not producing my very best, & i constantly pick my work apart. i always say i don't think we should compare each other to someone else. i literally have a writing degree, and i'm not under any impressions that i'm better than ANYBODY else. you miss out on some amazing interactions that way, & it's really not fair. writing is expressive and beautiful and as long as you're having fun (or anyone is having fun, i'm talking generally obviously), than it's worth it. and creativity is a beautiful thing. i'm just so happy that someone actually enjoys what i do here, because i do put an unbelievable amount of effort into it. & that is my choice as well! it's just tumblr rp, and we do what we can/what's fun! that's what this is about, at the end of the day. it just??? it makes me scream and cry to even think that people are reading my shit, let alone enjoying it. so the idea that i inspire you is incredibly unbelievable and i thank you so much for being so kind as to tell me this. it means so much to me! just thank you thank you!!

[energy-healing-with-jen]

TODAY'S LEARNING

Habits For Happiness

1. Appreciate more.

This morning I was grateful for my bed, my amazing friends, and my mom for always being there for me. Happiness grows from appreciation. What matters in our lives are highlighted and given worth by this. And the more you appreciate, the more you’ll find things to be appreciative of.

When waking up and going to sleep, remind yourself of three things you currently appreciate in your life.

2. Energize yourself every morning.

For the rest of the day, the mornings set the tone. You feel grounded, energised, and prepared to take on the world after a successful morning routine.

Before leaving the house, practice meditation, yoga, make a list of everything you love, watch motivational YouTube videos, or play your favorite song. Simply prepare yourself for a fantastic day!

3. Practice acceptance.

There are times when plans don't work out. When my plans changed or the bus was late, I used to get angry. But pushing back never resulted in anything changing; instead, it only made things worse for me. When I started accepting whatever happened, I relieved myself from unnecessary suffering.

Start practicing acceptance. Without adding further stress to the situation, adapt to it.

4. Live in the present.

This is where it all happens, the present moment. You cannot experience happiness, or anything else, anywhere else but there. The only place worth being is there. It might sound obvious, but realizing this was life changing for me. I feel better, act better, and think better now.

Whenever you enter a new place, use your five senses—sound, sight, touch, smell and taste—to find more nowness.

5. Listen attentively.

Listen with focus and compassion. Give individuals your whole attention as a gift. This forges solid relationships between individuals and grounds you in the here and now, making it a potent source of happiness.

Make the decision to be more present in every discussion you have, whether it involves a coworker, a romantic partner, or a total stranger on the street.

6. Save money to invest in memories.

Although material possessions may temporarily make us happy, it's experiences that bring us lasting joy. I haven't really bought anything new in the past year. I chose to vacation with that money instead. Just thinking about the beach parties in the Caribbean, those sunny days in Central Park, and that festival in Ibiza puts a ridiculously big smile on my face.

Buy only things you need or fall head-over-heels in love with. Then, spend the extra cash on memories that will make you go "Aaah," "Ohhh," and "Wow" years from now.

7. Make new friends.

Once we reach the age of twenty, many of us stop establishing new acquaintances. You'll develop personally, get exposed to new things, and have a full social life if you make new acquaintances.

Have a friendly conversation with a stranger and maybe you make a new friend. It could last for a short period of time or for a very long time.

8. Dream big.

Dreams are beneficial because they advance us. They give us reasons to live and stimulate our hearts and minds. Allow yourself to have big dreams and have faith that they can come true for you.

Give yourself at least five minutes each day to escape into your ideal world. Make it as real as you can by visualizing and conjuring up the emotions of being, doing, and possessing all you desire.

9. Take steps toward your dream.

Now, does the moment you are in resemble the future you envision? If not, put more time and energy on what you want to see grow.

Take small steps every day to elevate you toward what you want. Small steps add up.

10. Develop a mindset of abundance, not scarcity.

Only our view of the world determines how we experience it. When you live in lack, you protect and hoard. You can express that you have more than enough for yourself by giving.

Don’t feel like you get enough love? Show someone else some love. Feel as though you don't earn enough money? Donate money to a person who is in need.

[mossea]

my mind’s fight club

tw: sui cidal

i think it was just last year when i made a list of the things that portray my condition. i made that list because i planned to just show it to the expert that i would get to talk to as i might have trouble opening up when the time comes. last year, as well, i agreed with my partner to finally get an appointment next summer break, but that summer break is almost over now, yet i haven't made a single effort to get in touch with a medical professional. haha. also, listing helps me remind myself to not let others invalidate my condition and/or experiences. ^__^

anyway, i thought of doing another list—an updated one, and here it is:

counting how many times i push down the mop in its spinner to get it dry

counting how long until a pitcher gets filled with water

excessively cleaning the toilet before using it, guided by the numbers 4, 5, 7, 8, 10, 11, and 12

pouring water on myself 4, 5, 10, 11, or 12 times at the start of the bath for good luck

avoiding certain keys of a keyboard that remind me of stuff i dislike

saying the antonym of a negative word i just heard in my mind or out loud before doing or saying something to ward off negativity

waiting for the time to change so that the digits won't sum up to 13 before doing anything

thinking that i "own" the negative thought once i have done something somewhat irreversible to not feel bad

randomly smiling to combat negative thoughts

clutching my hands together for good luck

sending an emoji or anything to my partner on "lucky" times (e.g. 01:43, 04:04, 11:11, 14:14, 22:00, 23:11, etc.)

lowkey wanting to *ill myself

having murderous thoughts

oversharing on social media

being too sentimental, hoarding receipts, tickets, tissues, etc.

being over-organized and too messy both at the same time

disassociating and forgetting that things actually happened even though i am the doer

being unsure about whether i'm doing things because I WANT to do them or MY MIND IS ORDERING ME to do them

ending up being mediocre to avoid stressing over things

counting or saying something before entering another space

having *rituals* before and after charging my devices

sleeping so late (almost morning or morning) every day due to a very active and anxious brain

over-organizing my wallet, using the old bills/bills that i got first before the new ones even if they are just the same + putting new bills in my wallet first even though i’m using them right away

retrieving the trash i just threw because i think i threw it the *wrong* way (so gross tbh lol) and throwing it again *properly*

retyping words/sentences even though there are no typos because i thought of something negative while typing them

avoiding using and looking at “sad” avatars, emojis, gifs, etc.

unnecessarily organizing things alphabetically

bookmarking every post to either get its positive energy or *prevent* similar bad news

unsending and resending messages to make them *better*

having rituals before and during uploading things online

taking pictures of everything, especially food and drinks, before consuming or using them even though i won’t upload nor send them to anyone

having rituals before ending calls or leaving conversations, taking screenshots sometimes

copying and pasting every message before sending + excessively using effects (messenger)

using “complete” words instead of acronyms or abbreviations to really honor their meanings

imagining vivid positive images/having happy thoughts before accomplishing something for good luck

not using a towel after taking a bath because hanging it up to dry has a *proper* way that is exhausting

☆ to be updated

[kifu]

Type pen ~~!

Got a *little* bit of cleaning done in the outside pen. The woody brush I set the building on is very difficult to work with. And then I used straw, which makes things exponentially worse. But a little is better than none. This type pen gets a good spring cleaning after I get the outside pen all figured out.

But I put the type pen together!

The type pen currently includes my chocolate hen and her pair partner, but I care less about which boy fertilizes her eggs and more about knowing which eggs came out of her. So I'm happy to let her mill about while I figure out where to put the pair next month.

I think I'll also put my barred girls in here after I sell off the extra blues. Again, I care less about which boy fertilizes their eggs and more about ... knowing whether or not those two lay eggs. Just not enough space yet.

But I'm one step closer to hatching season!

I set the small incubator yesterday with a handful of houdan eggs and bantam cochin eggs. Mostly fertility test. I can't wait to have a good dozen or two lavender bantam cochin and get rid of everything else. I just. Want. Large fowl. Lavender!

And today I discover three eggs the sussex cross have been hoarding on me. So I get to wait like three weeks while they lay now before I allow myself to hatch in force.

So ready for spring. So ready to see if my theories prove out.

[littlewalken]

Sep 28

Don't know, in too much physical pain. But I'm going to part with some more books today if possible.

Aside from those I can't find at my digital library of choice it's generally an arbitrary reason for keeping those I keep. Some I have a relationship with and some I just feel would look cool or weird on the book shelf. Still, leaving here with about half as many books that I came in with seems like a good amount.

Outside of... A doll book or a craft book or like a couple of coloring books I can not think what books I got while living here aside from Moonage Daydream by Bowie.

I know in the past a lot of my book buying was retail therapy and a distraction.

There's no way to explain to people who aren't dealing with their hoarding in a healthy way that sometimes something just changes inside you and you're alright letting stuff go.

And my goals for the summer of 2021 before it all went to shit was to have a major sort thru and deal with. I want to break the chain of hoarding and I feel I am doing quite well.

Also wish Disney Princess on the doll board lived on this side of the country because I'd just give her a bunch of Sailor Moon stuff I have.

But right now once it's in storage I intend to keep it awhile longer, except for the dolls I'm wanting to sell.

In fact, today's doings will include repacking the wagon full of books so I can try to get more books in to it. Some are going back to the store they came from but enough came from other stores or junk hauls.

Anyone who complains can come here and physically move them themselves. My disabled ass has to be at peace with less books. Then again, I also don't need massive book shelves to act as sound dampeners because...

For future historians it came to a boil with that 'days of stereotypical sexist female tropes' asshole with a large under age following partnering with a beer company to unite the sensible people of the world to look at everything, say really, and start on the enough is enough train. Any stragglers were busy pushing people who had purposefully eaten themselves in to obesity off the scooters at Walmart so disabled people could have them back.

Today I've got to hope I won't need my iron or paper mill or other things in smaller boxes for awhile. Will keep the art projector, it goes when the art supplies go, because I want to make myself a sort of coloring book with projections of reference pictures so I'll have that as an option for something to do during waiting to move time.

By which I hope that it triggers the new place in to getting done faster and I wont have the nothing to do while waiting to move time I will be planning for.

[tseneipgam]

"...due to the awful algorithm. Instagram deletes a woman for nudity but encourages us to post thirst traps to be seen. I just can't be bothered with them, though. I see enough of myself reflected in. buildings as I walk through the city to a booking, or in the mirrors of a brothel room. I feel sickened by the over saturation of images, just as I am deadened by compliments after years of being showered in them by men I do not care for. My body has been a tool that I've wielded. but it's also something I just live in every day, that I'm comfortable with and no longer itch to record in order to assert my personhood on the world. I can't tell if that means I'm missing a curiosity I once had or it means I'm feeling satisfied in ways I wasn't before."

"'It's thriving, doll' said one of my gay guy friends about that break up vine that is climbing up the wall of my living room, leaping from mantelpiece to painting to picture rail, a literal metaphor of my progress post relationship, and that's what I how I want to see all my friends: thriving."

" The worse thing about rich clients is they're always surprised when you're smart, as if it's shocking to have an articulate person doing physical labour. My working-class clients usually treat me more like an equal and aren't shocked that I'm intelligent, whereas my rich clients always have this condescending attitude, like how lucky are you to be around me and exposed to culture by me. I guess if you're working class you know jobs aren't necessarily a summation of your abilities, you do what you need to do to get by, but if you're upper middle class or upper class you're more likely to think your job is a reflection of your innate capacity."

"I look across at one of my friends, who is wearing nothing but sneakers and a loin cloth, and I see an expression on his face that I can feel on mine, one beyond words, and I know everything has been worth it to make it to this moment, all paths led here and there is a greater purpose. I feel God in the room, just as I feel God as I gaze over the rolling hills of Dorrigo, and know God is between and with us sometimes when a partner and I make love. Forget the false idols; we should love ourselves and each other like this always, because we are made in God's image, in all our flaws and follies, only human - and, yet, isn't it incredible to have this chance at life?"

"I'm an easy lay, unhindered by virtue, supposedly carrying a high body count as if it's a disease or baggage, when in reality the soul is self-replenishing and limitless, not a finite source that is whittled down to nothing with each conquest and paid request, I'm not the wilted rose society thinks I am, petals picked by all and sundry, I'm louche but not loose, my pussy like any muscle becomes stronger with each use"

"Are we simply poor replacements to each other, creatures driven by the need for connection and hampered by borders and class? What would this world be without borders, without nation states? How could we move among each other, and how could the hoarded wealth of prosperous nations be shared? Trafficking only exists because borders exist, and exploitation only exists because of wealth inequality. How did I come to be lying on this bed? How did other women come to lie on other such beds? It's nearly always a tale of migration or economic need. Need that led to this symbiotic relationship I feel with him, and the parasitic relationship I feel with my wealthy clients, whereby I am leaching from them just as they leach the labor of the working class; we're both leeches in that equation and I burst with blood like a pomegranate, staining their hotel bed sheets. What does it mean, that I do sex work because I am working class but am no longer working class through doing sex work? On this bed now, with a migrant man who stacks shelves, who sells the use of his body just as I sell the use of mine, where I am the product and he could physically overpower me if he wished, who has the power? Is that what this is even is about, an exchange of power? That's what people always debate about, who is exploiting whom; the woman either can't consent or she's manipulating the desires of the man. Is everything in life a power exchange, though? I don't think I could reduce this moment to such a simplistic take on it, and besides, I feel equal to him; whatever is between us is malleable, and flows"

"Moving on from an Internet fling is more difficult than I realised. With in-person things you can avoid the physical spaces that remind you of them, like the bar where you met or the café you used to go to together. When it's online, though, it's like they only existed in your mind - and how the hell do you get them out of there? Why did no one warn me? People always demean online relationships as less legitimate, phone sex as not counting, the emotions only a mockery of the real; when your mind is what you live in, though, surely bringing someone to live in there with you can mess you up as much as living with someone in the literal sense?"

[vapour-ofthe-moon]

im able to make 2 new carrds now but what for?

i no longer feel like theres a point in having a carrd for the system the systems so big i lost track of everything

id make carrd for other alters but i dunno who to make them for, the ones who front frequently aside from myself dont really interact with anyone outside the partner system (doesnt really seem like anyone wants to interact much anyway)

i already have blogs for things like my hoard so no point in making a carrd for that

guess i just have two free slots now