#off to deliver more eggs

[shadyufo]

Checked my trail cams today—this one was taken on Easter <3

[postmakerkiwi]

🦴 Skelos Badlands Sounds - Badland Wildlife 🔥

Skelos Badlands is home to a wide variety of fauna besides the Bonebuilders. Keep quiet (and out of sight) and you can safely (probably) hear any one of these local creatures: catbats, lava toads, fire wizards, pterodactyls, lava lizards...

photos via Spyro Wikia

[illgiveyouahint]

From someone who didn't really like eggs to someone who's excited about the delicious omelette I just made, I sure am making great strides in my pickiness

[deadghosy]

I was wondering if you could do a miniso penguin reader being a delivery boy for all of hell (mostly hazbin)

I JUST LOOKED IT UP AND OMGGGG ITS SO CUTEEE🦆💗🦆 AND YES I WILL! THANK YOU MY GHOST

HAZBIN HOTEL X PENGUIN! READER

prompt: you deliver mail all over hell, but mostly to your favorite place!

Okay starters off….you definitely get petted by the sinners who walk by you. Like you are so adorable!

I headcannon that you have a magic barrier that activates when you are in danger. Like say for example, a sinner tried to stab and mug but a bubble appears around you as you quack and roll away.

But like…you are the most known person in hell. YOU COULD BE WALKING AND GIVING MAIL AND IMMEDIATELY- “Hey [reader]!”

Yeah you’re quite known🦆🔥

The overlords love you! Carmilla adores you as you help her move her things around with her supplies of angelic metal. And Alastor….he joked about eating you up because of how cute you are..you definitely hide behind carmilla as she glared at him.

Alastor said sorry as he buys you ice cream for scaring you. (Charlie made him do it after carmilla snitched on him)

The most place you love giving mail to is the hazbin hotel! You like it there as you always get greeted by the people there gently. Charlie would pet you as she gushes how cute you are and how you should’ve been an angel.

Husk just pokes at your chubby and cute body as you quack and rub your face in his leg. You are the size of a penguin so guess how small you are 😭💗

You and fat nuggets are best friends, dead ass you both speak animal to each other and just gossip… “quack…” “oink oink..” “QUACK?!” You yelled pointing to Alastor as fat nuggets nodded seriously. Angel tried to record it but he just couldn’t help but laugh

Lucifer loves you! Like at first he would just watch you around hell secretly as he didn’t want to scare you off too easy. But soon he felt over protective at how pure and nice you are to other sinners and hell born

I headcannon every time it’s extermination, you would be forced to be at the hotel as you bake cookies to past the time helping Charlie and the other feel less stress as the angels kill the sinners.  

“So like…do you lay eggs or somethin'?” Angel asked looking at the egg boiz under you as they are sound asleep. You just stay there like a mama penguin as you shrugged.

“[READER] I CHOSE YOU!” Vaggie yells as you waddle to a person and hug them in need. Its funny to imagine you being used a Pokémon who’s only attack is “HUG SURPRISE!”

I headcannon you to use a rolling attack. LIKE FOR EXAMPLE, you are getting chased so you roll like a ball and BOWLING BALL THEY ASS! STRIKEEE‼️‼️

You have a room in the hotel, it’s just you don’t stay there often. But the other would loved if you stayed at the hotel with them as they find you lovely to around. Like imagine how cool it is to be tired from delivering mail all day just to go to the hotel and see your own room.

Immediately passing out in the soft bed😭🦆

I imagine you walking, more like waddling and the egg boiz just copy your waddling as they are still baby chickens in eggs.

Velvette definitely has you go to her section of the vee tower so you can wear those cute sailor boy outfits 😭 like imagine how cute that is….

Sir Pentious and nifty love you also as they find you adorable. The egg boiz love you, and nifty….she just finds you interesting how every sinner knows who you are and wants to be your best friend.

I can see you being sick and not coming to deliver mail to the hotel, and immediately you wake up sniffling as you waddle to your door to see a bunch of gift baskets as you quack surprised at all those candies and get better cards….man you are loved

[dandylovesturtles]

Made myself emotional over the “Leo and Donnie chose to be twins” headcanon.

———

“By the way, it’s Leo and Donnie’s birthday next Thursday. You’re coming, right?”

Draxum looked up from his work organizing next week’s lunch schedule to look at Michelangelo, sitting on the counter and swinging his feet. Celebrating individual birthdays wasn’t a thing that the yokai did, but Draxum had been forced to accept that the boys could not be dissuaded from this human tradition. He’d been to two birthday parties now, for Michelangelo and Raphael respectively, eating cake and presenting them with some small trinket he purchased.

He’d known that he would have to go to more birthday parties at some point. But he wasn’t expecting two at once.

“Why on the same day? I can’t imagine the blue one wanting to share.” Actually, he couldn’t imagine Donatello wanting to share, either.

“Oh,” said Michelangelo with a laugh. “That’s ‘cause they’re twins!”

Draxum stared at him. “Twins? What kind of nonsense is that?”

Mikey tilted his head. “What do you mean?”

“They’re entirely different species, for starters,” Draxum pointed out.

“I mean, we all are, but we’re still brothers.”

“Yes, by virtue of your shared DNA donor and the circumstances of your raising.” Draxum waved that off. “But “twins” refers to a situation where two children are born at once, especially as the result of a split of a fertilized egg. Which is absolutely impossible in the case of Leonardo and Donatello. Even if I were to be charitable and simply consider them “twins” for having the same hatch day, I can tell you they do not.”

“Uh, okay,” said Michelangelo, unimpressed. “But they’ve always been twins, so I don’t think it matters to them.”

“Why not? I would think it would matter to Donatello especially, since he claims to be scientifically minded.”

Michelangelo laughed. “Not everything is about science, Barry. Not even to Donnie.”

“Then his decisions about when to apply science and when not to are inconsistent and confusing.”

“Well, it’s their birthday, so they get to pick.”

“I am certain that is not how birthdays work.”

“It’s how it works for us!” Michelangelo slipped off the counter. “We’ll see you on Thursday, right? It’ll mean a lot to them if you come!”

Draxum was fairly sure Leonardo in particular would prefer he didn’t, but that didn’t matter. Now he had a mission: he had to correct this strange incongruence.

“Yes, I will be there.”

“Yay!” cheered Michelangelo. “Okay, see ya Dad!”

He squeezed Draxum around the waist on his way out. Draxum was finding he didn’t mind that as much as he used to.

———

Leonardo and Donatello’s party was just as loud and obnoxious as the other two. Blue and purple decorations covered every inch of the old subway station, strange music blared from unseen speakers, and a horrendous amount of junk food was spread out over a table. It was the same group of people present today as there ever was, the eclectic mix of humans and yokai that the boys considered family, but it felt like a crowd three times the size with the amount of noise being made.

Draxum stood off on his own for most of it, his slim birthday present already delivered to the table stacked with gifts. He’d been a little shocked when Donatello and then Leonardo came by to say hello, since he’d been prepared to be ignored by both of them. It was… nice, maybe, that they did that. Even if Leonardo just wanted to make jokes at his expense.

For most of the party, the two birthday boys seemed to be competing with each other for attention. In fact, the longer he took it all in, the whole affair seemed like a clash of ideas. The purple decorations were neat and tidy, geometric patterns and hard angles. The blue decorations were whimsical, uncoordinated, and haphazard, and there were places it seemed someone had deliberately covered up some of the purple with the blue. Leonardo wanted to play rock music and Donatello wanted to play techno. The cake was a mess because they’d both requested different themes for the decorations. There were arguments between the two of them every few minutes, and according to the human girl April this was “typical behavior.”

But why? They weren’t really twins. They didn’t have to share this day.

Hopefully Draxum’s plan would fix all this nonsense.

When it was time for gifts, Leonardo loudly declared that he was going first, sparking an argument. They squabbled for a bit before agreeing to play rock-paper-scissors, which was apparently what they did every year.

Leonardo won the game and celebrated obnoxiously while Donatello scowled at him. Then he gestured at the gift table - which Draxum, in his efforts to stay out of the main throng, was closest to.

“Hey, Barry! Grab me a gift! Make it a good one.”

Draxum sighed but reached over to take one of the blue packages, checking the tag to make sure it was for Leonardo. “This one is… to Leo from Donnie,” he read.

“Oh no, not that one. Our presents to each other are always last.”

“Because they always get sappy about it,” said April with a laugh.

“Do not!” yelled Leonardo at the same time Donatello hissed, “You take that back!”

“Uh, yeah you do, and you know I’m right.”

Draxum ignored the petty argument to look back at the gift table. If they weren’t going to be satisfied with his choice, he might as well give them his own gift.

He lifted it, in its sensible brown packaging, off the table and handed it over.

“Why not start with this? It’s to both of you from me.”

“Both of us at once?” asked Leonardo. “Oh man, you’re throwing off our whole system, Barry.”

“Yes, but he’s giving it to you,” Donatello pointed out, “which means my turn is still next.”

“Uh, no, if it’s for both of us then it counts for both of us, which means it comes back around to me!”

“Ooooh no, you do not get to loophole your way into opening two presents in a row-“

“Ahem!” Draxum loudly cleared his throat, getting their attention. “Would you please just open it?”

“Yikes,” said Leonardo. “Touchy.”

“Some people just don’t understand the sanctity of opening birthday gifts,” said Donatello with a sniff. But he leaned in to watch as Leonardo tore off the wrapping paper and opened the box.

They were both silent for a moment, staring at it. Then Leonardo said, “Uh, no offense, Barry, but what is this?”

“It’s a… scientific study on how twins are formed during the gestational period,” said Donatello, pulling the paper clipped thesis from the box. “Oh, there are more in here… Also about twins.”

“Uh…” Leonardo blinked at it, clearly bewildered. Well, he was always a bit slow. “Thanks…? I think?”

“Not that I don’t appreciate the scientific literature,” said Donatello, “but this isn’t really my area of study and Leo does better with training manuals and textbooks than research papers.” He looked up at Draxum. “Is there something about this we aren’t getting?”

“Yes there is,” said Draxum, sweeping his hand around at the entire party. “I am here to correct your mistaken assumption that you are twins.”

The room fell silent. Donatello set the paper back in the box, staring at him. Leonardo’s brow creased in anger.

“We are twins, though,” he said, setting the box aside like it was burning him.

“No, you are not. There is simply no way that the two of you could be twins. It is biologically impossible.”

“You think that I’m so stupid I don’t know that?” Donatello demanded, getting up from the chair he was sitting in. “Are you doubting my intelligence?”

“Yes, if you honestly think you are twins with him, then I am.”

“Uhhh, Draxum,” said Michelangelo quickly, stepping between him and the now furious Donatello, “this was a… funny joke, but you can stop now-“

“This is not a joke. I am simply explaining the facts.”

“Yeah, well,” now Leonardo was on his feet, too, “the facts are that me and Donnie are twins. Always have been, always will be.”

“You are not,” Draxum insisted. “And given what I have seen here today, I’d think you’d both be relieved, since you clearly don’t enjoy being twins!”

Both boys looked like they’d just been slapped in the face. The rest of the room had gone completely silent, like everyone was collectively holding their breath.

Donatello broke first, turning on his heel and marching out of the room, his hands balled into fists and his shoulders hunched up as high as they could go. “Dee!” called Leonardo, and then he was scurrying off after him. There was the sound of a heavy door slamming, then silence.

It didn’t last long.

“Draxum!” roared the rat, actually getting up from his chair to get in Draxum’s face. “You come in here and upset my boys on their own birthday!?”

“Seriously not cool, Drax,” said the human April. Cassandra shook her head in shared disappointment behind her.

Draxum pushed Lou Jitsu back, scowling at his accusers. “I was only explaining reality! This is really the rat’s fault for letting their delusion go on so long.”

“Delusion!?”

“Barry!”

“Rat!?”

“Ooookay,” said Raphael suddenly, stepping his way into the middle of the fray and starting to herd Draxum back toward the exit. “That’s enough of that for now.”

“I am simply trying to explain-“

“Trust me, hoss, you wanna step away from this one,” said Raphael, and his tone was angry but surprisingly measured. “Come on.”

They retreated to the sewer tunnels outside the subway station. The smell was much worse out here, and Draxum wrinkled his nose.

“Alright.” Raphael heaved a sigh, folding his arms. “So here’s the deal. Mikey likes you, and I guess I kinda do too, so I’m gonna try to help you before you completely torpedo your chances with the rest of the guys. Which, you kinda did already, but maybe we can turn it around.”

“I still don’t understand why they’re so upset,” said Draxum. “Surely it was obvious they aren’t twins.”

“Uh, yeah, they know they aren’t twins by bio-whatever,” agreed Raphael. “They ain’t stupid.”

“Hmm.” Draxum turned up his nose. “Donatello isn’t stupid, maybe.”

“Leo ain’t stupid, either, he just pretends like it.” Raphael pinched his brow. “Listen, that isn’t the point - the point is they already know they didn’t come from the same egg or hatch the same day or whatever. They’re just twins anyway.”

“But how? That doesn’t make sense!”

Raphael sighed again. “Alright, look. Dad didn’t know when we hatched, right? But we all wanted birthday parties like we saw on TV, so he let us pick.”

“Yes. And for some reason Leonardo and Donatello chose the same day.” Draxum could figure that much out on his own.

Raphael nodded. “I was the biggest and oldest, and Mikey was the littlest and youngest, and Leo and Donnie were just kinda sandwiched in the middle. I think at first they just wanted a thing. Somethin’ that set them apart from me and Mikey, ya know?”

“Not really,” said Draxum. Raphael glared at him, and he sighed. “But go on.”

“So they picked the same birthday and called themselves twins. I think Pops just so glad they were actually getting along that he agreed to it. And I think he thought once we got to the day, and they realized they were really gonna have to share it, they’d both demand their own day instead. I know I thought that was gonna happen.” He smiled at the memory. “But the day came, and… they fussed the whole time just like they do now. Arguing about what kind of cake they wanted and who got to open their present first. But they didn’t ask to split. They kept it the same day, and they kept calling each other twins and it just stuck, until we didn’t question it anymore.”

“…They are both stubborn,” Draxum pointed out, and Raphael laughed once.

“Yeah, guess they are. But that’s not what this is.” Raphael shrugged. “They chose each other back then. Maybe at first it was just to have a thing, but then it became real. And every single year they keep choosing each other. That’s why they’re twins.”

Choosing each other as twins… Draxum furrowed his brow. “It’s not normally a choice,” he pointed out finally.

“Yeah, well, our family doesn’t get a lot of choices, so just let ‘em have this one, okay?”

“…Fine,” Draxum finally relented. “As long as it’s noted that this is purely a social designation, and not a biological one.”

“Uh, sure, whatever.” Raphael rolled his eyes. “Glad we got that cleared up, though. Think you can come back to the party and behave?”

Draxum wrinkled his nose at that phrasing, but nodded. “Yes. I will not bring it up again.”

“Good!” Raphael’s smile abruptly transitioned into something much more dangerous. “Because if you make my little brothers upset on their birthday again, I’ll remind you what it was like when we were enemies.”

Then the smile was back. “Now let’s go in!”

He walked back to the subway station, leaving Draxum to follow on his own. Draxum couldn’t help but sigh wistfully.

Raphael would have made a great general for his army.

———

The boys had already returned by the time Draxum got back. They were opening more gifts, and he noted they were wearing hoodies now - though they had apparently decided to swap their signature colors. They were smiling and chattering, and any hint of their earlier upset was gone.

Until Draxum stepped into their line of sight, and both of them went rigid, wary of him.

Apparently just talking to the red one was not enough. Draxum would have to do more. What a pain.

But he didn’t want the boys to hate him. So he sighed and launched into it.

“I… am sorry. I shouldn’t have said you aren’t twins.”

The boys looked surprised at that; slowly, their posture loosened back up.

“And… to make up for my present, I will… take the two of you wherever you want to go in the Hidden City.” The next words were painful, and he ground them out. “My treat.”

Leonardo and Donatello shifted their gaze from him to each other. They were silent, but it didn’t seem like they needed to talk to have a conversation.

Then they finally looked back at Draxum, slow grins growing over both their faces.

Eerily matching, very evil grins.

“Oh,” said Leonardo, happily menacing. “I think we can think of something.”

“I concur,” said Donatello in the exact same tone.

Oh, thought Draxum. Maybe they really are twins.

[tired-biscuit]

farmer boy!kiri driving me insane as per usua

he’s everyone in town’s favorite guy!! big and dependable and so funny!! local housewives make it a point to wear their prettiest dresses to go and visit his stand at the local market.. but he doesn’t fall for it..

doesn’t fall for anyone until you move into town.. you work at the local bakery and sometimes visit him when the bakery needs an expedited egg delivery..

he’s so smitten with you, you’re pretty, smart and he can’t take his eyes off of you.. makes it a point to lift the heaviest things when you’re around in an effort to impress you..

little does he know how smitten you are with him.. how you purposely promote custards and egg tarts just so that your bakery needs more eggs and milk.. and you have an excuse to go see him again <3

all these meet-cutes until he finally works up the courage to ask you on a picnic.. where he lets you feel his muscles like you’ve been dying to from the start.. where he lets you take off his overalls and lifts up your skirt..

where the sun warms his and yours’ skin and where only the flowers know what happened next :3

(he ate you out and bred u <3)

18+ / fem!reader

you’ve been dying to touch and feel his biceps for the longest time now because you’ve seen the way they tighten and turn exceptionally prominent whenever he picks up and tosses those big sacks of flour that you keep ordering for your bakery from him and him only.

he always greets you in the friendliest way possible whenever he swings by to deliver you the goods; a polite nod of his head and a warm “hey there, darlin’” never fail to make you weak in the knees. the combination of it, that’s sometimes even accompanied by a rather playful wink, turns your brain to goddamn mush. goodness, you’re so into him that it’s getting kind of absurd!

but to be fair, how couldn’t you be? he’s pure eye candy, with his sharp facial features, fiery eyes and messy hair of the exact same shade that he keeps tied back with the help of a single elastic, and that exposes the sides of his neck, as well as the nape, in the most delicious of ways.

his skin is tan and sun-kissed from many days spent working outside under the blazing sun, and his back is broad; he carries any kind of weight with seemingly no trouble at all. the faded, well worn jeans that he usually throws on whenever he drives to town make his ass and thighs look absolutely divine as they hang off his hips.

the sight of them makes you feel like a sleaze from the way they coax you to ogle at him so openly again and again. stealing glances as he moves around your little storage room where you keep all your ingredients, all you can see is his tight physique, his big hands, how appealingly thick his fingers are; coated with a thin layer of white powder coming from the flour.

he’s a working man, oftentimes dirty with sweat and grime whenever you just happen to be passing by his land and spot him coming back from the fields, but surprisingly enough, he keeps his nails clean whenever he comes to see you.

and it doesn’t stop just at the nails. even his face lacks the sheen of sweat his line of work usually tends to induce, because unbeknownst to you, he doesn’t leave the house before he scrubs it clean. his signature white t-shirts — each one usually adorned with a logo of his favourite sports team — are crisp and constantly smell of pleasant laundry detergent; like they’ve been freshly washed every single time. and if his hair just happens to be a mess that day — stubborn strands, bedhead and whatnot — he makes sure to hide it underneath his trusty baseball cap just so you don’t have to see it.

altogether, it shows that he’s trying to impress you. that he’s putting in the effort.

and that effort is almost enough to make an already smitten girl like yourself admit defeat and fold right then and there; in the storage room of your little bakery. to make you rest the flat of your palms against one of the shelves, and bend right over at the middle.

until the fat of your ass is peeking from underneath your pretty sundress, no panties in sight, and he’s got drool nearly dripping from his mouth at the discovery. until his fat cock is nice and snug, sheathed inside your soft cunt, and his heavy balls are tightening from the way you’re invitingly wiggling your hips against him and hurrying to make him all sticky and wet with your arousal so that he can slide in even further, even deeper.

just by looking at him, you know he’d fuck you nice and slow, and so deep that it’d make hearts form in your eyes right before they’d cross. quiet grunts would fill your ear, his breathing ragged as it tickles the side of your neck and cheek. his calloused hands would be warm against your hips; dusting flour over your dress and skin, and providing a steady weight that you could lean on and rest your tired body against any time you’d wish.

there’d be constant pressure in your lower belly — overhelming but the good kind nevertheless. the slapping of skin against skin, the stretch, the sweat coating both of your brows. the pounding, the pleasure, the passion that’d be so intense that you’d end up feeling it in the goddamn marrow of your bones even.

and then, the climax. the white noise and bliss as every nerve end buzzes with electricity that’s powerful but mellow at the same time. the feeling of warm cum eventually leaking from your poor little pussy, down your thighs, dripping onto the floor; causing a mess you both chuckle at whilst cleaning afterwards.

his forehead pressing against your spine as he hunches his back because of the prominent height difference and waits for his cock to slowly soften whilst it’s still inside of you, still stretching your velvety walls. your clothes sticking to your salt-riddled bodies as you attempt to catch your breaths and not say anything too brash or embarrassing to each other.

you want him to rail you and fuck your brains out in this tiny storage room so bad. he’s just such a… man. bulky and strong, simple and endlessly kind. his heart is as big as his tits are, and much like the rest of him, you can’t help but leer at them, too as the mixture of the summer heat and your baked delights turns too much for him to bare in that exact moment and he swiftly loses the crisp white t-shirt just so that he can survive it.

watching him as he throws it over his shoulder and keeps it there, you start to think that you could take such good care of him. that he could take such good care of you. you can already see it; a cozy house, a couple of kids. hard work, animals and endless love. fresh lemonade and cookies. creaky wooden furniture and movie nights on the world’s comfiest couch. domestic bliss.

he’s the type to kiss you goodbye and hello again whenever he walks through the front door.

your daydreams end abruptly when he tosses the last sack of flour onto the neat little pile and turns around to look at you with a face that’s all of a sudden vividly red like a tomato; from his neck to his forehead, from one ear to the other.

you’re still blinking, sweetly batting your eyelashes up at him by the time he finally gathers enough courage to ask you a question you’d thought you’d never get the chance to hear from him.

he wants to take you out on a date, huh?

[mellowsadistic]

"Lift up your pretty dress, baby," I ordered. "Show Daddy's friends what you're wearing underneath."

April's cheeks flushed, and she looked up at me imploringly, even as the men and women around us started to titter. "Please, Daddy," she whispered. "Please don't make me... I don't want them to see..."

"You should've thought of that before you started wetting your pants like a toddler, April," I said. “Now do as you’re told. Don't make me ask you again, young lady."

Looking tearful, April slowly raised the hem of her skirt, revealing the thick disposable diaper she wore beneath. The crowd around us burst into laughter at the sight of it. Many of them were our mutual friends, April's friends too from before her demotion to babyhood, but none of them saw her as an adult anymore. After months of carefully engineering public accidents and potty emergencies, not to mention a myriad of other babyish behaviours, I'd managed to strip her of her status as a big girl in the eyes of everyone who knew her.

Kneeling down, I pressed my hand to the front of her nappy and felt the warm squishiness within. "A bit soggy," I announced, to the raucous amusement of my guests, "but a change can wait until after the Easter egg hunt, I think. She hasn't made her morning messy yet, and all that rushing about is sure to get things moving!"

Our friends laughed even harder, and April's face went scarlet. "I don't wanna do a stupid Easter egg hunt, Daddy!" she whined, sounding exactly like a fussy three-year-old.

"All the children are taking part, April," I said firmly, delivering a sharp smack to the inside of her thigh, "and that includes you. Girls who still need diapers don't get to sit and have champagne with the grown-ups. You'll be toddling around the garden with the other kiddies, hunting for eggs."

April's bottom lip trembled. "But I'll look so stupid," she whimpered.

I ran my fingers through her hair, tucking a few strands behind her ear, and said, in a far more gentle voice than before, "You're going to look adorable, darling. You're so pretty in your little outfit. My baby bunny." I leaned in closer, so that nobody else could hear. "Tell you what, princess, if you can find the most eggs, I'll let you have an orgasm. Would you like that, baby? Would you like a little clitty tickle?"

April's eyes widened and she nodded eagerly. She hadn't been allowed an orgasm in a long time. I smiled. I wouldn't really let her cum of course, but on the off-chance she won, it would be worth dealing with a tantrum or two to see her stomping around the garden in a wet (and soon to be stinky) nappy, trying her hardest to find the most Easter eggs.

"That's my good girl!"

[eternally-racing]

how do you like your eggs? | lando norris

pairing: lando x reader (w/ best friend Danny Ric) 

genre: fluff 

wc:1.2k

summary: Lando’s determined to show you how much you mean to him by cooking you breakfast, even if he is horrible in the kitchen.

— — — — 

“You’re being way too loud, mate, you’re going to wake her up.” 

There’s too much rummaging through cabinets as Daniel asks Lando if he can get his sifter out from the cabinets. It sure as hell would be a lot easier to find if Lando actually knew what a sifter was, but as a boy who’s gotten most of his meals delivered to him and has become a creature of habit for the select few that he does make on his own, it’s safe to say that he is an absolute menace in the kitchen. 

After your boyfriend Lando had last minute decided to go to Australia to visit Daniel, you received enough facetimes and text messages from him begging for you to come visit that you had finally caved to spontaneity and flew into Perth the night before. 

Lando was nothing but a gentleman, and he wanted to do something special to show his appreciation for you going out of your way to spend time with him. Every sacrifice that you make definitely does not go unnoticed, and in the little time that he has during the offseason Lando likes to make sure that you know how much he loves everything that you do for him. 

And somehow that led to his master plan of wanting to cook breakfast for you. He knew that he was no masterchef, but Lando had hoped that having his former teammate help him out in the kitchen would be enough. It started as a plan to make a full English breakfast. Then Lando realized that Daniel’s fridge looked like he hadn’t gone grocery shopping since the two of them were teammates, so the plan got switched to just eggs and homemade biscuits. And after two failed attempts at making dough for biscuits that had only led to a colossal mess on the kitchen countertops they finally settled for making just eggs. 

“There’s a really great breakfast cafe down the road, Lando. I’m sure Y/N would like that just as much as..” Daniel’s voice trails off as he looks at what he used to be able to recognize as his own kitchen “whatever this is that you’re doing.” 

Meanwhile, Lando is at eye level with his bowl of freshly cracked eggs as he is carrying out what he can only describe as a “rescue mission” to fish out the pieces of eggshell that have fallen into the bowl. 

“Shut up Daniel, it’s a labor of love, you wouldn’t get it.” He continues to pick out a concerning number of pieces of shell.

“More like a labor of salmonella” Daniel snickers as he leans against the counter. 

The Aussie is quick to jump out of the way when Lando throws a piece of shell at him and misses, only adding to the mess in the kitchen. Luckily, he’s saved by the bell when you finally stumble out of the bedroom, sleep still clouding your eyes. 

“Good morning sunshine!” Lando yells from the stove as he’s finally gotten into action cooking said eggs. 

With the promise that in 2 minutes there would be fresh eggs for breakfast, Lando guides you to sit at the table. You hadn’t realized until this moment that you’d never seen Lando cook at all, let alone cook for you. He was a great sous chef when he asked you to be, but you weren’t sure of his abilities when left to his own devices. 

“Breakfast is served!” Lando says as he lays the plate in front of you. You raise your eyebrows in surprise, biting your tongue to keep your initial reaction from slipping out. 

“They’re poached!” your boyfriend exclaims with a smile.

Lando looks so proud and there’s no way you can break his heart over what is certainly a non-edible, definitely not poached egg that he has placed in front of you. 

“Thank you, baby” you smile as you pinch his cheek.

You can see Daniel posed behind Lando wildly shaking his hands and mouthing “DO NOT EAT” as he watches you toy with the runny eggs in front of you. You would do anything for Lando, including eating an icky egg, so you pick up your fork and dig in.

It’s definitely still raw, which you expected from its appearance, but there’s subtle hints of vinegar and sugar and something spicy that feels especially vile on your tongue. Your best attempt at a poker face cracks near the end as you try to swallow, but you’re quick to try and cover it up. 

“Wow, you did something really special with these Lan” you say, choosing your words very carefully as you try to wash out your mouth with a non-suspicious amount of water. 

Lando offers to try them and you figure there’s no point in stopping them as he piles some egg onto a spoon. You swear it barely even touches his mouth before he spits it back out right onto the plate. 

“Oh my god - you swallowed that??” The British boy doesn’t even dare to put his tongue back into his mouth as he tries to brush the taste off his taste buds. You can’t help the giggle that bubbles up inside you as you and Daniel start to keel over in laughter. 

“Mate - you let me serve this to my girlfriend?? I could have killed her or something with this!” Lando turns to Daniel in his rage.

The Aussie is laughing and is trying to rationalize that the egg is probably not deadly as he continues to gasp for air. It’s Lando who makes the next move to grab the plate and dump it in its entirety in the garbage.

“That’s a porcelain plate, Lando!” you exclaim from where you’re sitting. 

“”Please, it’s probably a biohazard at this point. I  think I owe Daniel an entirely new kitchen at this point anyways, so he can just add this to my tab.” Lando jokes as he pulls you towards the bathroom, gesturing towards the mess on the counters as you both walk away.

“Lando, she’s so in love with you because you couldn’t pay me to eat that shit.” Daniel says as he watches the both of you share the bathroom trying to brush the vile taste off your tongues with your toothbrushes.

Lando keeps the toothbrush in his mouth as he goes to wrap his arms around your waist, something that has you shrugging away since you’re pretty sure he’s drooling on your shoulder, and you tell him exactly that. From the side Daniel can’t stop laughing as he stares at you two. 

The British boy stays attached to you as he leans over to spit out his toothpaste, mumbling something you can’t quite understand.

“ I sdflksnjo sdlkgsnd” 

You almost choke on your spit listening to Lando’s babbling as you hunch over to do the same in the sink. 

“I was trying to say that I’m so lucky to have you baby. I love you.” 

You can't help but smile against Lando’s lips as you pull him in for a kiss. There’s still a vague taste of vinegar and egg that you know will linger for a little too long, but more than anything, he tastes like love.

---

author's note: this was just something fun and sweet inspired by Lando's recent interview about his Australia trip! Thanks for all the love :) Until next time! - Em 🤍

[s4no]

PART TWO

+ feat: shuji hanma, tetta kisaki, hajime kokonoi, seishu inui, izana kurokawa, kakucho hitto & hakkai shiba

+ cws: fem!reader, twitter p*rn links, each character will have their own cws

+ a/n: the twt acc is mine !! you must be logged in to twitter to view the tweets. all characters are written in adult timelines (aged 21+) — part one | part two | part three

ಇ  𝗦𝗛𝗨𝗝𝗜 𝗛𝗔𝗡𝗠𝗔. + cw: spanking (r), fingering, bondage (r), ptv, ass play (r)    [ link one | link two ] hanma is dangerous— the type of predator that likes to play with his food before he eats it. he likes to hear the sounds you make when he bends you over his lap and lets sin and punishment wreak havoc on your ass, delivering harsh smacks that make you cry out and leave your flesh red and angry. he laces the pain with pleasure, rubbing his thumb between your folds and granting you a brief respite before he's spanking you again. the whimpers that ensue only seem to egg him on, but he exercises a great deal of patience as he restrains your hands behind your back in a pair of leather cuffs that fit snugly around your wrists. keeping you bent over, he gets to admire his work while he lines himself up with your entrance, sinking inside of you until he's buried to the hilt. but one hole isn't enough for shuji hanma— he's much too greedy for that to satiate his desire. so he plows into you, the sound of skin slapping skin echoing off the walls, and uses his thumb once more, pushing the digit inside of your ass deep enough to bring tears to your eyes. when you're like this, helpless and entirely at his mercy, hanma can't help but think you're the most beautiful thing he's ever laid eyes on.

ಇ  𝗧𝗘𝗧𝗧𝗔 𝗞𝗜𝗦𝗔𝗞𝗜. + cw: fingering, pta    [ link one | link two ] kisaki is a multitasker and he’s a very talented one at that. you know this because he currently has two fingers plunging inside of you while he effortlessly steers the car with his other hand. not once does he swerve, not once are you worried you might crash. but just because he's good at multitasking, doesn't necessarily mean that he likes to do it. in fact, he's irritated that you couldn't wait until you got home. he’s annoyed that he’s been forced to divide his attention between you and the road. so when he finally pulls into the parking lot of your apartment complex, he doesn’t even let you pull on your pants before dragging you out of the car. the moment you get inside, he’s unbuckling his pants and pushing you down onto your side. “so fucking needy,” he chastises, his voice dripping with disdain. he plans on making you regret your decision to rush him, and you find that you do as he grabs a bottle of lube and smears it over his cock. instead of pushing inside of your pussy like you wish he would, he feeds the tip of his cock into your ass, grunting at how tight you are unprepped. he takes pity on you when you start to cry, gliding his fingers through your folds, but his generosity only extends so far. not once do they go near your clit.

ಇ  𝗛𝗔𝗝𝗜𝗠𝗘 𝗞𝗢𝗞𝗢𝗡𝗢𝗜. + cw: butt plug (r), fingering, pussy slapping, spanking (r), bondage (r), ptv    [ link one | link two ] kokonoi’s love language is gift-giving. he’ll return home from work with your favorite flowers in hand, buy you those chocolates you love when you’re on your period. sometimes, when you’re having a bad day, he’ll surprise you with that pair of diamond earrings you were eyeing at the store the other day. but out of all the gifts he’s given you, the toys he’s picked out for you are some of your favorites. he always likes to try them out later that night, so it’s not unusual when you find yourself lying on your back with a pair of metal cuffs clamped down around your wrists. they’re chained to the diamond butt plug that rests inside of you and you do your best not to thrash and squirm as his fingers delve in and out of your cunt. it’s even harder to stay in position when he brings his palm down against your pussy, smug at the way your entire body lurches upon impact. but that’s only the beginning of the fun he has planned for you because minutes later he has you on your stomach, chest against the bed with your arms restrained behind your back in a red leather set. “my pretty little jewel,” he croons, rubbing his length over your folds. he uses your wrists as leverage, pulling you back into him as he thrusts inside of you, and he swears he’d spend every yen to his name if it felt even half as good as your pussy does right now.

ಇ  𝗦𝗘𝗜𝗦𝗛𝗨 𝗜𝗡𝗨𝗜. + cw: oral (r), ptv    [ link one | link two ] inui likes to take things slow and steady. he prefers to take his time, kissing you tenderly and undressing you slowly. pieces of clothing fall to the floor one by one, and you both have wandering hands that dip beneath the few remaining garments, claiming what’s underneath. a low groan rumbles from his chest when your small hand wraps around his dick and you stroke it while deft fingers rub figure-eights across your clit. the tension swells, becoming more and more intense as his lips roam lower and lower until they’re between your legs, one hand splayed out against the small of your back to make sure you don’t try to shy away from his mouth. he licks you languidly, alternating between pressing open-mouthed kisses against your clit and flicking his tongue over it. just when you think the bubble inside of you is going to burst, he draws away and coaxes you onto your back, thrusting into you deep enough to send you toppling right over the edge. he doesn’t stop when your pussy convulses around him, not until he’s filled you up good and plenty. afterward, he lets you lay in his arms, fingers absentmindedly trailing up and down your back. 

ಇ  𝗜𝗭𝗔𝗡𝗔 𝗞𝗨𝗥𝗢𝗞𝗔𝗪𝗔. + cw: dacryphilia, overstim (r), bondage (r), toys, ptv, manipulation(?)    [ link one | link two ] izana may think you’re pretty when you laugh— even more so when you smile— but nothing will ever compare to the way you look when you’re crying for him. no, you’re downright captivating. the way your dark lashes clump together, lining with unshed tears and pleading up at him, gives him a rush better than any drug. it doesn’t deter him one bit, and he remains holding the vibrator against your cunt even when your legs start to tremble in the ropes restraining your limbs. you’re so sensitive from three consecutive orgasms that the tears streak down your cheeks, and a deafening sob wracks through you as he rips a fourth one out of you. he murmurs praise after praise, telling you how precious you look with your eyebrows pinched together and your bottom lip snug between your teeth. he deems four a sufficient number but he’s far from letting you go, deciding to untie you only to flip you onto your stomach and pin your hands behind your back. you’re sopping wet, heady arousal staining the sheets below you, so when he brings his cock to your entrance, it slips right into your abused pussy without any resistance. “don’t you want to make me feel good too, angel?” his honeyed words act as poison, subduing you into a compliant state that he’s all too eager to take advantage of.

ಇ  𝗞𝗔𝗞𝗨𝗖𝗛𝗢 𝗛𝗜𝗧𝗧𝗢. + cw: ptv, size difference, stomach bulge    [ link one | link two ] to say kakucho is large is an understatement. he’s mountainous, with broad shoulders and bulging biceps, and thighs as thick as tree trunks. he towers over you without even trying, easily double your size, and it only becomes more apparent when you’re fucking. truly, he loves the size difference, loves how small and fragile you seem in comparison to a giant like him. strong hands hold your hips in a firm grip as he thrusts against your backside, supporting your weight in case your legs give out. honestly, it’s remarkable that he’s somehow managed to fit his entire cock inside of you, and when one of his hands moves up to your throat, forcing your head back so you have no choice but to look up at him, you can see the sheer adoration in his dual-toned eyes. admittedly, your legs do end up collapsing beneath you but that’s no reason for him to stop— all it means is he needs to get you off your feet. that’s how you find yourself on the bed, bent over on your hands and knees, with kakucho looming behind you. the position is intimidating because it allows him to get even deeper than before, and you let out a breathless moan when he perfectly angles his cock to press against your g-spot. he helps guide you back against his pelvis, mesmerized by the sight of your pussy sucking him in with every thrust.

ಇ  𝗛𝗔𝗞𝗞𝗔𝗜 𝗦𝗛𝗜𝗕𝗔. + cw: ptv    [ link one | link two ] it’s cute how nervous hakkai gets when it comes to you— how this hulking gang member turns to absolute mush whenever you’re around. he treats you like royalty, bowing down in your presence and slowly worshipping your body until you're like putty in his hands. he leaves no inch of you untouched as he sits behind you, his hands squeezing your breasts over your bra while you let out appreciative hums, bolstering him on. one skims down your stomach and in between your thighs, his fingers skillfully rubbing circles over you clothed cunt that have your hips shifting from side to side. “so perfect,” he murmurs, burying his head in the crook of your neck and pressing a soft kiss against your skin. you melt back into him as he pulls your bra down, and large hands begin kneading your bare breasts, making you moan out in satisfaction. never once do his motions become rushed; never once does he put his pleasure above your own. only when you’re dripping wet does he deem you adequately prepared for him to situate himself between your legs and ease himself inside of you. his lips never leave yours as his hips roll against yours, swallowing your sounds like a man dying of thirst. he doesn’t fuck you— he makes love to you, whispering how much he loves you while you drown in bliss beneath him.

[jessepinkmvn]

just saw oppenheimer and goddamn. there's a jfk name drop like a marvel easter egg. he says the destroyer of worlds line while being ridden by communist florence pugh. cillian murphy turns sideways and disappears into a straight line. social network levels of bitchiness delivered via courtroom testimony. einstein has way more screentime than you expect. they don't bomb kyoto because a politician holidays there a lot. genuinely harrowing ending that makes you want to throw yourself off a cliff. 10/10 best movie of all time.

[peachyhalstead]

married man | j. halstead

request:Can you do a Jay Halstead x Reader. They are both married and have a child together. The child just started pre-k or kindergarten and since the reader is heavily pregnant Jay has been dropping off and picking up their kid. And maybe like the single moms are flirting with Jay since they think he might be a single dad but they get surprised when the reader picks the kid one day after giving birth.

pairing: established (married) fem!reader x jay halstead

word count: 1.75k

warnings: none??

a/n: dad!jay dad!jay dad!jay !!!!! they have a little boy (his name is dylan) and a newborn girlie (what should her name be)

------

Grumbling as the alarm went off, you blindly reached over and whacked Jay on the chest. “Why’s it have to be so loud?”

Jay chuckled, silencing his phone’s alarm. “It’s not even that loud, babe.”

You glared at him through narrow eyes. “If I wasn’t about to pop right now I’d give you a piece of my mind.”

Letting out a hearty laugh, Jay got out of bed and folded his portion of the comforter back up, trapping the heat for you. “Only a few more weeks, babe. Then you’ll be able to move without having to pee every two seconds.”

You slowly followed Jay, yawning and rubbing the nine-month bump as you headed into the kitchen to package your son’s lunch.

He had recently started kindergarten, and loved telling you and Jay about all his escapades with his classmates as he learned different things.

“I could’ve done that, you didn’t have to get up.” Jay said, popping a capsule into the coffee machine and starting it.

Shrugging, you zipped the lunchbox closed and set it next to the matching blue backpack, one hand going to rub at the sore spot on your back. “I knew I wasn’t going to be able to fall back to sleep.”

Jay noticed, and his hands slowly made their way to the exact spot that bothered you in your first pregnancy. “Who do you thinks going to ask me out today, hm?”

Laughing softly, you clicked your tongue at Jay. “You really enjoy that, don’t you? Miss getting hit on?”

Jay shook his head. “Don’t miss it one bit. Just enjoy seeing those soccer moms think their whispers are quiet.”

A few weeks ago Jay had mentioned that some of the moms at drop-off had been talking about Jay, commenting on his lack of wedding band and no significant other ever at drop off or pick up.

“Momma, when will you go to school with me?” Dylan asked, your son finally making his appearance in his pajamas.

“Soon, little bug. Once Little Sister is here, I’ll drop you off with Daddy some days.”

Dylan frowned. “Can Sissy come now?”

You huffed, wanting nothing more than to deliver the weight that seemed to be constantly on your bladder. “I wish, but I think she needs a few more weeks.”

Jay smiled into his coffee cup, phone chiming with a text from Hailey. “Come on, Dyl. Let’s get dressed so you can show your friends your new shoes.”

Dylan beamed at the thought, and followed Jay back to his room, leaving you alone in the warm kitchen. The aroma of coffee lingered as you found a chair to rest in, hand absently tracing circles over your distended belly.

A sigh of contentment escaped you; this was your world, and despite the groggy mornings and occasional aggravations - like trying to convince Dylan to brush his teeth properly - you wouldn’t change it for anything else. That was the beauty of family - it wasn’t always perfect, but it was yours. And that made all the imperfections precious in their own odd way.

The sound of Jay's voice pulled you from your thoughts as he asked Dylan to choose between two shirts. You smiled, knowing how seriously your little boy took these morning decisions. Sipping on some water and slowly standing up, you decided to start breakfast.

The scent of eggs and bacon soon filled the room, joining the still lingering coffee aroma. Dylan would be excited; he loved his simple morning breakfasts. As you were flipping an egg, Jay returned with Dylan in tow. Their matching grins caught your eye.

“What are you two up to?” You questioned playfully, adjusting your hold on your bump.

“Nothing,” they both chimed in unison, their grins growing even wider.

“Okay,” you drew out the first syllable, grabbing a plate and moving the eggs for Dylan to eat, blowing on them as you cut them into pieces.

“Eat, then Daddy will bring you to school.” You smiled, cracking a few more eggs and grabbing a tortilla and the toppings you knew Jay liked, quickly making a breakfast wrap for him.

Wrapping it in foil, you smiled to yourself as you heard Jay helping Dylan put on his sneakers.

“Ok, we gotta go, Little Man! Go give Momma a kiss.”

Dylan skipped over to you, wrapping his little arms around your legs, promising you he’d come home with a drawing to put in the nursery.

Thanking him, you smiled at Jay as he grabbed the wrap and his badge, stopping to press a kiss to your forehead. “Take it easy today, babe.”

“I will. Go break hearts and catch perps, Jay.”

——

Jay hid his eye roll as he followed Dylan to the drop off location, ignoring the looks from the few single mothers nearby.

“I mean, who in their right mind wouldn’t grab that ass? He’s such a good dad, too.”

Jay overheard one of the mothers and shook his head, stifling a laugh. He still found it amusing and somewhat flattering to know that he was the topic of their little gossip circle. But he also knew firmly where his heart lay - at home with you and Dylan, and soon, your new little girl.

As Dylan scampered off towards his classroom, he turned to Jay with a big grin. "Daddy, do you think I can tell Mrs. Johnson about Sissy coming soon?"

Jay bent down to his level, ruffling his hair affectionately. "Of course, buddy. I'm sure she will be thrilled to hear it."

At that moment, a pair of giggling women walked by, shooting him suggestive glances over their shoulders. He merely smiled politely before turning away.

Arriving back at the car, Jay pulled out his phone and saw a text from you: Feeling better now that the house is empty. How did drop off go?

He quickly typed back: Smooth as always. He's telling all his teachers about his soon-to-be little sister.

Satisfied, he started the vehicle and headed towards the precinct. His phone chimed again with your response: That's my boy! Take care at work, Jay.

He chuckled as he imagined you grinning at your phone, feet kicked up on the coffee table even though you often chided him for doing the same thing.

——

The routine didn’t shift for the next few weeks, but the gossiping mothers were surprised when Dylan was dropped off by Will one day, Jay at the hospital where you were currently resting with the newest addition to the family.

“Uncle Will, can we see Momma and Sissy after school?” Dylan asked, tugging on his uncle’s hand.

"Of course, buddy," Will replied with a soft smile, watching as Dylan's face lit up with joy. "I bet they can't wait to see you."

Once Dylan scampered off towards his classroom, Will indulged in a moment of silence. He was used to the emergency room's relentless noise and bustle, so the unfamiliar hush of the school yard in the early morning was a welcome respite. A group of mothers were huddled together, shooting glances his way. Perhaps he was becoming part of their gossip routine now too - he silently hoped otherwise.

Meanwhile, at the hospital, Jay could barely tear his gaze away from you sleeping peacefully, the tiny bundle in his arms a testament to your strength and love. His heart swelled in his chest at the sight; you looked more beautiful than ever, your face radiating an exhausted but blissful glow as your daughter, their daughter, clung onto his finger with her small hand.

Just then, she stirred awake and let out a soft whimper which turned into a loud wail. He quickly got up and started to gently rock her, not wanting her cries to disturb your much-needed rest.

“Hey there, little princess,” he cooed softly as he bounced her gently in his arms. “Let’s not wake Mommy up now.”

After a few minutes of gentle rocking and hushed lullabies - Jay trying his best to remember the ones you sung to Dylan when he was an infant, the baby quieted down, blue eyes peering up at her father.

“Hi, munchkin. You already have half of Chicago’s first responders wrapped around your finger.” He whispered, soft smile at his lips as he thought back to the replies from his team when he sent the photo of the baby in the group chat.

"The other half is itching to meet you. Just wait until Uncle Will gets a hold of you. You're going to be spoiled rotten." He laughed softly, mindlessly tracing a finger over his daughter's tiny forehead.

His phone buzzed where he had left it on the bedside table. It was a message from Will letting him know that Dylan had been dropped off at school and asking if they could come by after school to see the baby.

Jay's heart swelled, even more, knowing his son was equally excited about his little sister's arrival. Jay quickly typed a response, assuring Will they would be more than happy to have visitors later in the day.

——

The day passed in a flurry of nurses checking vitals and bringing meals, phone calls from family and friends, and quiet moments spent marveling over their newest addition. Dylan was bursting with energy when Will brought him by after school, his wide eyes taking in everything with an infectious excitement that had everyone in the room smiling.

"Momma, Sissy is really small!" Dylan whispered in awe as he approached the bed, carefully peering over the edge of the bassinet.

You chuckled at his innocent observation as Jay helped him climb up onto the bed to get a better look. "Yes, she is," you agreed with a fond smile. "You were that small, too, Little Man!”

Dylan looked at you with wide eyes, shaking his head. “Nuh-uh!”

“Mhmm!” You replied, fixing his shirt as he squirmed to get another look at his sister.

“When can you and Sissy come to school?” He asked, looking at you.

Jay laughed quietly, and you looked at your husband. “Soon, Dyl.”

——

Two weeks later, you consoled the crying baby as Jay helped Dylan put his backpack on. “Can Sissy come meet Mrs. Johnson?”

Shaking your head, you carefully strapped the little girl into her carrier, softly rubbing her cheek. “Not yet. Maybe during the spring concert, but she’s still too little.”

Jay stood up and grabbed his keys. “She can help Momma and Daddy drop you off, though. That sound good?”

Dylan’s face lit up at the thought. “Yeah! Everyone will get to see her!” He jumped excitedly before Jay guided him out the door.

Satisfied with your successful early morning, you carried the baby carrier to the car and buckled it in securely at the back seat. Moving around was still a little tough for you but you were slowly getting the hang of things. You climbed into the passenger side, glancing back at Dylan who was squirming in his seat with anticipation.

The drive to the school was filled with Dylan's non-stop chatter about what he was going to show his little sister. Jay had a soft smile on his face as he listened to his son, occasionally glancing at you in admiration and shared joy.

Once they arrived in front of the school, Dylan unbuckled himself and carefully opened your car door for you. “Be careful, Momma!” He cautioned, making Jay chuckle as he followed behind with his son’s backpack.

You smiled, letting Jay go ahead with Dylan so he wasn’t late, working to unstrap your daughter’s carrier so Dylan could see her one last time before he was in school.

“Jay, haven’t seen you the last few days. Is everything okay?” One of the mothers who had tried to hit on Jay asked, faux worry on her face.

Jay wore a smile as he turned to the woman, Dylan's hand tucked safely in his own as they made their way toward the school entrance. "Yeah, everything’s great, actually. My wife just gave birth to our second child," he responded casually, nodding his head towards the car where you were carefully lifting the baby carrier.

The woman blinked in surprise before offering a tight-lipped smile, "Oh, I didn’t know... congratulations."

"Thanks," Jay replied with a nod before turning his attention back to Dylan whose bundle of excitement was barely contained. As Jay opened the door for him to enter he looked into the bright eyes of his son and smiled reassuringly, "You ready?"

Dylan nodded eagerly, already tugging on his father's hand to drag him inside. Jay followed docilely, striding up the hallway towards Dylan's classroom.

Meanwhile, you were still out by the car, struggling slightly with the baby carrier that seemed to weigh even more than your now two-week-old daughter. A few mothers noticed and stepped forward to help you, their faces lighting up at the sight of the infant bundled up against the cold.

"Oh she's absolutely adorable!" One woman cooed, and you recognized her from when Jay was telling you how one of them started to wear low-cut tops after he started doing drop off duty.

You walked with them to the doors, smile brightening when you saw Jay and Dylan at the door, the young boy wanting to say goodbye to his sister.

“Bye, Sissy! Bye, Momma!” Dylan smiled, giving his sister a kiss and hugging your legs, unaware that his farewells caused the mothers who had walked with you to gasp lightly.

Jay’s smile widened at Dylan's display of affection, ruffling his son's hair gently, "Alright, champ. We’ll pick you up later. Have a great day at school."

Dylan nodded eagerly before disappearing into the bustling school building with his teacher. The remaining mothers turned to you, their surprised expressions replaced by warm, slender smiles as they admired your little girl.

Back in the car, you laughed as Jay started the ignition. “Think I felt the daggers from some of the moms when they found out you’re married.”

Jay snorted, turning back to the road to your house. “Well, that or when they found out we have great sex. Either way, watch your back, babe.”

You gawked at Jay’s remark, hitting him in the chest. “Jay! Your daughter is listening!”

“Oh, she’ll hear worse when Ruz babysits her." ------ a/n: send requests if you wanna!!

[jayrockin]

Oh I also have a less important scud question r.e. reproduction just because I'm not sure I fully understand the genetics there. Like I know how plants do it, I'm a full on botanist, so alternation of generations I get but like…so the haploid generation have two sexes which mate and I guess there's where chiasmata happens, but then one of those (the arguably female one) goes off and fertilises haploid eggs in the diploids?

Only way I can reconcile it is that the female haploids receive gametes from the male haploids, which combine to form a diploid zygote that subsequently undergoes mitosis and meiosis into new (haploid) gametes containing a random mix of genes from both haploid parents, which are then used to fertilise the haploid eggs of the diploid parent. Which also means that the male haploid stage are male, but the female haploid stage are sequentially female and then male in function.

Or, arguably, they've actually got three alternating generations involved, like whatever's going on with red algae on our world. With a second, highly reduced, diploid gen that exists only temporarily to enable the shuffling of genes from two haploid parents into new haploid gametes, that are delivered by the female haploid parents.

Sorry I had to make a diagram to explain what I mean. Does this make sense or am I missing something and have charged off down a completely inane path?

I have a PhD in ecology and genetics and I just realised I drew all those chromosomes duplicated like they're ready for mitosis or meiosis 🙃

I dislike this version but it's more accurate

Yeah that's basically it! Every scud has three parents, and the largest genetic donor is the egg-laying sex. Red algae were actually a major inspiration for this because I love their horrible convoluted lifecycle. Rhodophytes likely evolved it as compensation for losing sperm flagella (and thus, the ability to move their sperm). Maybe the same thing happened to the early ancestors of the "arthropodal" clade that scuds belong to.

[she-is-ovarit]

Please hear me.

Being tired isn't normal. It doesn't matter that you're aging. Being fatigued is a serious sign.

It might be difficult to judge "normal tired" from "bad tired". Rule of thumb is that if you notice that other people seem to be on another plane of existence with alertness, you're not "normal tired".

I slept for 10-12 hours a day at least and still was tired for most of the day but "functioned" (went to work).

It turns out it wasn't just one thing. It was a lot of things. I went on liquid vitamins first because that's all I had energy for—to throw money at something that can be delivered to me. And it was crucial. I went off my heart medication after my doctor let me know my active heart rate was way too low (prior to the vitamins). I felt super improved and this went from feeling super improved to extremely improved after I began to eat more healthy fats (avocados, eggs, nuts, vegetarian-friendly animal products). I cannot emohasize the eating more fats thing enough. Did you know that due to our biology women are supposed to have way more healthy fats than what we're typically told?

I had struggled with other symptoms I brushed off as normal too. My hands and feet being cold all the time. Turns out this wasn't normal. How many women and girls have cold hands and feet constantly? I was "adoringly clumsy". Balance issues from vitamin B12 deficiency. Foot cramps. Magnesium deficiency. Generalized anxiety disorder. Still have it, but significantly improved because my body isn't fighting for it's life. Lack of focus/concentration issues to the point where I worried I had ADHD or something since that's all I know about that mental health condition.

Constant cravings I blamed on emotional eating. Increasing my healthy fat intake all about cured this—helped more than protein. I began to lose weight when I increased my healthy fats because I was no longer seeking out sugar or bad fats. Iron deficiency and vitamin D3 deficiencies were also confirmed on blood tests before I started liquid vitamins.

When I went off my heart med and bought those dumb electrolyte packets for my water, my arrhythmia is now hardly noticeable physically.

And to circle back—I am awake. And I sometimes break down and cry because I can't believe how I was functioning now that I understand what having energy feels like. I didn't know. I didn't know there was even anything wrong with me. I thought I was just a tired person. That being tired was normal to being female and aging.

Chronic fatigue is extremely serious. It's not normal. You're not just a tired person.

[espion7971]

IceWing tribe sheet!

icewings actually happen to be my favorite tribe, they're a little messed up but i love them. enjoy my headcanons!

Physical Appearance + Traits:

-IceWings live in the cold and barren arctic north, and have developed very specific adaptations in order to survive. Rather than being warm-blooded and keeping themselves insulated, they kept their reptillian cold blood and slowly adapted to a consistently cold internal body temperature. As a result, they require no warmth at all for their bodies to function; they do not insulate themselves with fur or fat like mammals do.

-Their scales are pale, usually with a bluish tint although other colors are not unheard of. When well taken care of, they gleam and sparkle like ice.

-They are naturally cold to the touch, giving off a chill to anyone close by. In warm environments, especially humid ones, the cold will sometimes cause moisture from the air to condense on their scales, letting drops of water settle on them and drip from them. This, at first glance, can sometimes look like they’re “melting”, and has made some believe that IceWings are literally made from ice, and they can melt in the heat. (This is another headcanon that didn’t originate with me, it comes from @flamebringer0. If you see this, I adore your headcanon, I hope you don’t mind me including it among with mine!)

-Sharp spikes bristle their necks and run along their spines and tails. This can make it difficult for other tribes to gain the upper hand in fights without being wounded by the spines. They can also use their tail as an effective weapon.

-They can summon a storm of tiny shards and crystals from the ice that tends to coat their throat and produce frostbreath, which can quickly deliver frostbite to any dragons who aren’t well adapted to cold.

-Icewing horns are sometimes straight, resembling icicles, sometimes jagged, and sometimes branch off into something more antler-adjacent. They are always sharp, but just slightly more fragile than other horns.

-Some IceWing scales tend to get a bit darker and more silvery as they age, and likewise they tend to hatch with bright, snowy-white coloration. Some will have speckled patterns and general variability between colors across their bodies.

-Their dark eyes help absorb light and allow them to see past the bright glare of sun on ice. 

-Their bodies are long, slender and elegant, especially among royals. Their faces are long and pointed, and they are more agile and maneuverable than most tribes expect. They are generally smaller than SkyWings but taller than MudWings.

-Their serrated claws help grip ice, and make their attacks more punishing. They have a sharp and sturdy point on the end of their snout, which can be used to crack ice without harming them.

-They are not a very physically varied tribe, but the royal and noble IceWings have a look distinct from those on outskirt villages. They often have fewer spines, straighter horns, narrower wings and paler colors, whereas lower-ranking IceWings have more practical antler-like horns, more spines, and a more muscular appearance. (Sketch displaying this below.)

Life Cycle:

-IceWings are hatched in small clutches of one to three. Parents will carve out a nest in the ice, lay the eggs, and then allow them to freeze over again until the dragonets break through the ice. It is believed that the colder the eggs during incubation, the more powerful the dragonets will become. 

-They take around 5 months to develop and are hatched strong enough to free themselves and big enough that most predators aren’t interested in them. They are also hatched with a delicate layer of spines all across their bodies that resemble frost crystals, though these later shed off. Dragonets can also go several days without eating after hatching, which is unusual for dragons. 

-Most parents are available to watch their dragonets, so these abilities simply serve as precautions for the case of missing or neglectful parents. 

-They grow somewhat slowly, reaching maturity a bit later than other tribes.

-IceWings, especially those of high rank, are expected to be strictly monogamous, and their marriages are usually more of a formality than a real union of affection. They aren’t incapable of love, certainly, but marriage is not treated as an act of love among nobles and royalty. Sometimes even lower-status IceWings marry out of societal expectation and not for their own happiness, but things are generally less strict.

Society + Culture:

-IceWing society is strictly ranked by class and birthright. There are seven divisions, referred to as Circles; the Seventh Circle is made up of dragons of low status, living in small villages on the outskirts of the tribe and scorned by those in higher Circles. The First Circle, meanwhile, is almost entirely comprised of royalty and other dragons of high honor and status. In the palace, dragons are expected to greet and interact with others differently depending on their relative ranking. The system is extremely strict and ruthless, and disrespect is one quick way to be lowered down the ladder. During her reign, Queen Snowfall tore down the wall used to keep track of the placement of each dragon, and made great steps toward lessening this aspect of their culture, but it continued to subtly persist long after her death. 

-Lower-circle IceWing society is simple and straightforward. They live in communities quite detached from palace life, hunting for themselves and helping each other raise their dragonets. As all IceWing animus dragons were strategically kept in royalty, most animus gifts did little to improve the lives of those outside the First and Second Circles. The best way for a low-born IceWing to rise in rank would be through military work; otherwise, the groups remain fairly stagnant. Protests and revolts, though, are surprisingly uncommon. Most Sixth and Seventh Circle IceWings are simply too detached from royalty to be concerned with wealth differences, and royals likewise rarely bother to interfere with Sixth and Seventh circle dragons.

-While in the palace, during the worst of the class division, all dragons were commanded to wear necklaces made from a heavy metal that matched their rank. First-Circle necklaces would consist of one ring, Second-Circle necklaces would have two, one inside of the other, and so on. The more circles, the heavier the necklace, and Seventh-Circle dragons, on the rare occasion they visited the palace, would be forced into a constant bow by the weight of the metal.

-IceWings are quite superstitious, not unlike SkyWings. Their beliefs vary by region, but a generally common one is that the deep, impenetrable ice cap they live on harbors some ancient, powerful force, and that if it ever were to break or melt away, that power would be unleashed and cause havoc; they see the ice as a protective field that froze over at the dawn of time, and if it unfroze it would be the end of everything they know.

-IceWings will sometimes wear polar bear fur or the pelts of elk and deer, though not for warmth. Lower-Circle dragons will wear the pelts and sometimes even antlers of their own prey, for bragging rights. Higher-Circle dragons simply wear them as a fashion statement and a show of wealth.

-IceWings are educated much more about their own tribe than others, and generally prefer to stick to their own affairs. They have few exports to trade and little interest in those of others. They are not the most diplomatic tribe.

-After the perceived theft of their last animus, they not only blamed NightWings, but also harbored resentment for every other tribe with animus magic, believing themselves to be the original carrier of the gene and therefore the rightful possessor of it. They are extremely protective of even the least useful of their animus gifts. 

Diet: Carnivorous. IceWings eat arctic mammals like elk and polar bears, and aquatic mammals like seals and even sometimes narwhals and orcas. They also eat fish and, rarely, a few species of birds. They have no way to cook food and no desire to. Other than a few types of berries in the mountains near the SkyWing border, no plants grow in the arctic, and IceWings live on meat alone.

[cassiopeiasdaughter]

like the moon loves the earth

Tom Riddle x fem!reader

summary: in which Tom is dragged out of bed in the middle of the night, because he is a simp to help his friend, deliver a hippogriff. (based on a request from anon)

main masterlist

Tom was dreaming, or actually having a nightmare. He felt cold and the world around him was dark. There were strange faces looking at him, calling him Dark Master or Lord, he doesn’t remember now, his attention is on the school- his school- around him, on fire and in ruins. Children and teachers are screaming and running around and he…he-

He wakes with a gasp and later a scream, at the first thing he sees; a pair of wide eyes staring deeply at him.

“Quiet!”, you whisper and cover his mouth with your hand “Are you mental? You’ll wake everyone.”

His eyes widen at the realization, of you in his room and not a terrible monster that has spilled from his dream into the real world.

“What?”, he asks confused as he removes your hand lightly

“I think you were having a bad dream.”, you whisper

“How did you know? Was I screaming in my sleep?”

“Ah no. I came here for something else.”, you reply awkwardly- twirling your hair in your fingers innocently. 

He had to control himself and not smile, at that. Truth was, that you and Tom had been good friends for a few years now. You did almost everything together; almost, because you like animals and he doesn’t. More specifically, you will head off to the forest at times, care for the creatures there, spend time with them or just observe them. He loves that about you, how soft you’ll turn around magical creatures, how protective you are and how caring.

He loves many things about you; he loves your voice and how it sounds when you laugh at his jokes. He loves your expression, the one you make when you try to keep up with his long talks about magic and life. He loves how you don’t care about the whys and the what ifs whatsoever, but still pay attention to him and his existential worries. He loves you, but will never tell you.

And now, you are in his room at night, wanting to tell him something. Will that be a confession? A demand for you two to not be just friends anymore? Would you kiss-

“Bobbi is in labour.”, you rushed out worried ,“You need to come and help.”

“Uhh- what?”, he asked in confusion- trying to ignore the pain in his chest.

“Come on, we don’t have time, the baby could be out any minute.”

“The baby?”

“Yes! Bobbis baby- egg actually. Did you not hear what I said? Come on, up we go.”, you pushed the covers off and threw a few of his clothes on him. 

“Who in the name of bloody Salazar, is Bobbi?”

“Bobbi, the hippogriff, she is pregnant- was actually. Come on!”, you whispered loudly, waiting for him impatiently with your hands on your hips and your eyebrows raised. If you were together, Tom would plant a kiss on your lips and maybe drag you back to sleep; but you weren’t and that is why, as he told himself, he got out of bed.

“Wouldn’t it be better if- I don’t know- a professor helped Bobbi, instead of us?”, he asked- as he put on his clothes, after spinning you around so you wouldn’t face him.

“Tsk.”, you let out “Bobbi doesn’t trust them, she trusts us.”

“She trusts you, you mean”

“Only, because she hasn’t met you yet, you should join me more often when I visit her.”

“I don’t see why.”, he lies- he would join you if it meant spending more time with you, but it would still be hopeless.

“For starters, you could leave your dorm- and the library does not count.”, you lifted your finger towards him and he snorted 

“And, you and Bobbi are alike-”

“In, uh- what way exactly?”, he asked fully dressed now and ready to leave with you

“Well, you both seem grumpy and scary, but in reality- you are way too soft.”

Only around you, he wanted to finish, but wouldn’t dare to, instead he walked over to the door, lightly bumping your shoulder on his way out, “Come on then, Poppy is waiting.”

“Bobbi!”, you said laughing and ran after him.

Bobbi had indeed been waiting, and in obvious pain, as she lay down on her side- letting out screams and cries. You quickly run to her side- kneeling by her and running soothing circles on her beak with your fingers.

“It’s going to be alright, sweet girl.”, you whispered in a tone that made Tom’s heart swell and slow down his breathing. With hesitant steps, he walked over to you two, kneeling quietly behind you- releasing a hiss from the frightened hippogriff in front of him.

“Maybe, I should go.”, he whispered cautiously trying to maintain eye contact with the creature

“Stay where you are! Bow and you’ll be fine.”

Mumbling an annoyed “Shouldvegonetobed” under his breath, he listened to you and slowly- without breaking eye contact, bowed to Bobbi, who gave him a less suspicious stare now. It took a few seconds, but they felt like many agonizing hours to Tom, for the poor creature to lightly bow in return, proving she approved of him and was willing to trust him.

It wasn’t the bow he earned that melted his heart, washed his stress away- no- it was your hand clasping his and the smile you beamed at him, a thank you and an I told you so all in one.

He didn’t have enough time to savor the feeling, a scream whipped both your heads away from eachother, turning your attention to the animal in front of you.

“What do we do now?”, he asked anxiously

“Well, I- I don’t know, I figured you’d come up with something.”, you replied anxiously- moving closer to the animal, touching her beak in a comforting manner

“How on Earth, would I know how to help hippogriff in labor, this is the first one I’ve seen up close.”, he whispered loudly, doing his best to not cause nay more stress to poor Bobbi, who’d now curled up even further into herself.

“I don’t know Tom, you always think of something.”, you said back, looking at him with open eyes, vulnerable and honest and scared. He wanted more than anything to wipe that look off your face, comfort you- fight every single one of your fears and worries, so he could see you smile at him, once more.

“Alright, alright.”, he said, mostly to himself while taking a deep breath, “First, let’s cast a warming charm, I-I spotted the calming roots we learned about last week in herbology, you remember which ones?”

“Yeah, yeah.”, you replied collecting yourself- “The ones with a little yellow at the tips?”

“Exactly, I saw some a few feet behind, can you fetch some? And water, also?”, he said rolling up his sleeves and casting a Lumos so he could see clearer.

You tossed your bag at his feet, “There’s a bottle in the front pocket.”,you said running to pick some of the roots he told you about.

The moment you ran away anxiety crashed him, his hands felt sweaty and unsteady and he drew a shaky breath staring at the poor creature, folded and in visible pain, whimpers and cries falling from her mouth, “I did not ask for this.”, he said earning a loud whine from Bobbi.

“You are right, sorry.”, he replied, “We can do this, come on.”, moving closer and transfigurating leaves and mud into a blanket for her.

“I am here.”, he heard your voice from afar, running breathless with a stack of leaves and flowers and anything that resembled the roots you looked for.

“Here-“, you handed him the roots, “-I also picked up these.”, you placed a few flowers on his lap- 

He started at you for a few seconds with confused eyes, and red color creeping up on his cheeks, staining them.

“For the taste…of the potion.”, you added

“Ah, yeah, of course.”, he shook his head and began brewing a potion to calm the poor hippogriff and ease her pain, make the situation easier and faster. He felt your hand gripping his shoulder, tightly, when you heard Bobbi scream and toss around, and if it weren’t for the terrible circumstances, he swears his heart would have stopped.

Tom Riddle has felt relief, many times in his life. Moving to Hogwarts is a memorable one, you telling him that you would never date the annoying Hufflepuff prefect- another special to him. But, this exact moment, watching Bobbi, curled around her egg- with you by his side, resting your head on his shoulder and sniffling quietly with your arms wrapped around his, this moment; he is sure, he’ll remember and cherish forever.

“Thank you.”, you whisper on the way back to the castle, “I can always count on you. I- I can trust you and you are always there for me. Thank you, really.”

You squeeze his hand. His fingers are growing sweaty and hot as each moment passes. You must have realized by now- what you mean to him. How you affect him; how he’ll always follow you, like the Moon orbits the Earth, at all times. Every night it shines for the Earth, like he would for you- if you asked him to. Maybe it’s the moon that shines bright tonight, or the sentimental- vulnerable moment that passed, or maybe it is all the years of pining that have piled up and can’t be contained anymore. 

“You know why I did it, don’t you?”, he stops abruptly , “I would do anything for you, anything you ask of  me- it’s yours. For Merlins sake I- I would hatch a dragons egg for you!”

He stares at your expression; mouth slightly open- eyes focused on him, playing with your rings nervously. Nervous, you are nervous. Probably thinking of a way to let him down gently, because you are kind like that, you try to please everyone- make everyone happy, sacrificing in result your needs, but he won’t stand for that, especially not now.

“Sorry, forget it”, he says and takes quick steps away from you- wanting more than anything to hide under his blankets and pillows.

As he contemplates every decision he’s made in his life and tries to think of anything more stupid than his confession, right now, he doesn’t hear you running behind him shouting his name annoyed.

“Would you just, wait one second!”, you grab his hand and turn him- to face you, “You are so annoying when you act like this.”

“Like what?”, 

“Like a complete self-pitying know-it-all-”, you shout, “Excuse me.”, he interrupts but you continue, “-it’s bloody annoying, especially when-” you stop and let out an exasperated breath at his ignorance; eyes looking at you innocently and blush all over his cheeks. He wanted to ask, “when what?”, but you let out a sound that reminded him of Bobbis groans and grabbed his tie- lowering him to you, smashing your lips to his.

It took him a few moments to realize what was happening, and then a few more to convince himself that he wasn’t imagining this and you were in fact kissing him. And boy, when he was convinced he kissed you like his life depended on it.

His arms wrapped around your body, keeping you close to him, fearing you’d slip away. But your hands pulling at his collar, and playing with his buttons assured him there would be no slipping away, not tonight and hopefully not ever.

He smiles at your lips as you part from him, both of you in need of air as you take deep breaths.

“I would hatch a dragons egg for you too.”, you say quietly and intertwine your fingers, kissing his knuckles as he grins down at you. “Don’t look at me like that.”, you say blushing and then prompt him to move, walk back to the castle with you, “Come on, we have to wake up early tomorrow and help Bobbi with her egg.”

“Of course we do.”, he says tucking you to him, with his arm wrapped around your shoulder, as he gives your hair a kiss.

At this exact moment, Tom Riddle doesn’t feel relieved or content. This feeling can’t compare to anything, not to the satisfaction a perfectly curated potion brings him and neither to the sweet peace he feels as his head lands on his pillows on Friday nights. No, right now he feels joy and that counts for so much more than he ever thought it would.

A/N: sorry for any mistakes! feedback & criticism are very very appreciated

[facts-i-just-made-up]

whats the most powerful dessert in the world

In the summer of 1877, a man walked into Clarabelle's Chocolate Cake Shoppe in Boletaria, Michigan. He ordered a Rich Chocolate Cake, their specialty. What he got was said by all who had ordered the same to be a delightfully rich dessert, but he was not impressed. He asked to see Clarabelle and told her the cake wasn't at all rich to his palate. She apologized and not only refunded his cake, but promised to make him a much richer cake if he'd come again, money back guaranteed.

He came in the next day and took her up on the offer. She made him a special cake with twice the chocolate, but still, he found it underwhelming. True to her word, she refunded it and promised that if he'd give her one more chance, she'd give him a cake he couldn't possibly find bland. He accepted.

The next day, he came in for his cake. Clarabelle had made a new cake with ingredients known to include several pounds of concentrated cocoa, several blocks of pure chocolate fudge, at least two essential humors from the cocoa seed, and also one unknown substance, present in only a gram but said to have been delivered under armed guard by the Pinkerton Agency, which she ordered her staff out of the kitchen to fold into the batter.

The result was a strange cake that her waitstaff described as "barely-a-cake," held together by a minimum of flour and egg. It glowed brown and smelled most pungently of chocolate, a harsh sort of chocolate akin to sulfur in the burning sensation it caused in those near it.

The man sat down and ate a slice while Clarabelle and her entire staff watched, waiting to see what would happen. They found out, but few lived to tell. The man's head, according to the sole surviving waiter, melted quickly before exploding in a colossal chocolate burst that leveled the restaurant, killing Clarabelle, three Pinkerton Agents, four customers, two waiters, a passing ox, and left the entire region uninhabitable for 140 years. Nothing grows in the region to this day, but scientists have finally begun cataloging the state of the area and allowing critical personnel into the area with high-level biological protection.

The government naturally hid this from public knowledge for fear that Clarabelle's Last Cake could be duplicated by terrorists or food vloggers, but thanks to the freedom of information act, we now know the legacy of the cake if not its secret ingredients. The man who ordered the cake is still there. Nobody knows his name, but his body stays smouldering to this day, smelling strongly of delicious chocolate batter, and will still for a half-life of 400,000 years. Called "The Cadbury Bunny's Foot" by scientists, his remains are considered the most intense chocolate concentration in the solar system, perhaps the galaxy owing to the lack of genuine cocoa plants off the Earth.

It is still only half as terrible as those damn 90% Cacao Lindt bars.