#oh and the homeless man was Ted the whole time

[sorio99]

Knowing “Nerdy Prudes Must Die” was the first idea the Lang brothers had for Hatchetfield makes the whole series so much funnier.

Like, did they know in “The Guy Who Didn’t Like Musicals” that the weirdo who demanded a hot chocolate would be the leading man of the high school horror show?

Did they know the prude they mentioned a few times would be a homophobic murderer who defiled a corpse, fucked a ghost, and became a vessel for dark lords?

Was the homeless man joke in BEFORE the recast because they were still brothers, or not?

[marvelmaniac715]

If I was in various Hatchetfield stories:

The Guy Who Didn’t Like Musicals:

Hive: Do you wanna save the planet?

Me: …No, and I haven’t drank nearly enough water to sing along so stop making me jealous!

————————————————————————

Emma: Take out the head and the whole thing-

Me: I’m on it, I’ll either call you when I’m done or die a hero, either way this is my main character moment, so MOVE. What are you doing with that needle, Professor?

————————————————————————

Me after listening to some of the Working Boys pitch: So which one were you dating? Was it all of them?

————————————————————————

Me in my last conscious moments before being part of the hive: Okay but forcibly controlling women isn’t very slay girl boss of you…

Black Friday:

Me: No, I actually don’t have the money to buy a Wiggly and I don’t leave the house if I can help it so I’m not going to the mall on Black Friday, text me all about it though.

————————————————————————

Wiley: I just need you to do what you do best-

Me: Read fanfiction?

Wiley: Be a mother.

Me: Dude I have no children except for my dog and I think he sees me as some sort of alien… kiss me and I’ll think about it.

————————————————————————

Me after seeing Wiggly (don’t ask why I’m in the Black and White): Why am I looking at yassified Cthulhu? And why are you British? Did eldritch dimensions get invaded by the British too? Wow, the sun really DOESN’T set on that empire…

The Hatchetfield Ape Man:

Me after seeing Konk: …I was wrong, this is nothing like Tarzan, get this man some clothes. Lucy, I know you were never the brightest in your class but someone REALLY needs to tell you what an APE looks like, delulu is not the solulu baby girl.

Watcher World:

Me: I don’t like roller coasters and it’s far too hot, I think I’ll just stay home, sorry Bill.

Time Bastard:

Me watching Ted from a distance: Wow, he really isn’t doing okay…

————————————————————————

Me staring at the Homeless Man: How is nobody realising that this is clearly Ted Spankoffski?

Honey Queen:

Me: What’s my talent? Oh, I can recite the lyrics to every single song from twelve different musicals, even the classics, that ought to win a few judges over… Linda why are you uncoiling that rope?

————————————————————————

Me staring up at Nibbly (I won the title of Honey Queen by sheer force of will) and holding out an unwrapped Snickers bar like it’s a cross: You’re not you when you’re hungry.

Killer Track:

Me: I’m trying to find this song that was sang at the Honey Festival last night but I can’t for the life of me remember any lyrics or what the singer was called…

Nerdy Prudes Must Die:

Me: Hey Ruth, can I sit in rehearsals with you? I could help you with tech and keep you company - after what happened to Richie I don’t think that any vulnerable students should be left alone, I’m surprised the adults haven’t thought this, maybe we should invite Pete too?

[awigglycultist]

Episode 3 rewatch! This just might be favourite ep so I'm really glad I got to watch it live

So I'm guessing it was an editing mistake that homeless man's cameo was taken out of the theme last ep?

Daddy

Frank is an asshole but also this ep makes me so sympathic for him. He's not totally bad.

The dog :( oh god

Holloway! Beloved!!

Sherman! You little weirdo

Jaime and Corey are such amazing actors

Shelia!!!! MILFFF

DAAADDY

I forgot about them singing the them for the suggies dbdhdj

"don't shame me!"

"yes. Best milf ever"

Marco!

Sheila's outfit!!!

"but growing up is optional :)" "growing up is for poor people Frank" ".... Right."

*spits out wine* "marry me?!? You just met me!!"

Stan Holloway for pointing out Frank's hypocrisy but also Frank's right Sherman's a rich spoiled brat

"rich people."

The fact Sherman acts like the from crunching something hard. Christ.

Becky!!!

The way Shelia talked to and about Becky alone makes me want to slap her

"I'm sick of it Frank" OF WHAT? IT'S BEEN LIKE DAY

"PETER PAN??"

"your both so rich it turned you into monsters! Your money turned you into monsters!" I love Frank

BARRY SWIFT!!!

I love him, his serious and calm tone while his leg is fucking bleeding

So no AIAH? *breaks something* /j

Vitamin D hehe

"LIKE A FUCKING MILLENNIAL"

Barry :(

TED ME BELOVED

And he's dead again :/

Considering it was two weeks Barry lived a long time

"oh well, I'll make another one" wtf is Marco. What is he. I still need answers

Nothing's impossible in Hatchetfield Frank...

Go off ig Sherman?

"Huzzah! I'm a kid again! "

Being Sherman's dad truly is the most terrifying thing

Killer Track

"WELL FUUUCKKK YOUU"

"You don't know me ill fucking kill you!" "oh your gonna kill me!?" this whole bit is so great

" come on guys. Let's go to Denny's"

God Thrash is SO funny

DUUKKKEEEE

"well I don't know I've never done drugs Duke!" "... I know Beth."

Duke my beloved :)

HOLLOWAY

"great. My life is in the hands of Barbie."

Duke probably while watching Holloway literally magically make Rose eat a slice of pie: yup that normal and there's a totally legit logical non actually magically reason for this :)

Ahh the black book!!! @thirdchildart did such an amazing job with it!!!!!

Tinky!

I still can't believe Curt kept giving us taco bell as a spoiler when we asked him for one and then turns out taco bell is mentioned literally once and is not important. But he also gave us fireworks as one and that broke our hearts so!

Can't wait to die in a week /j

"it's just a teeny tiny paradox it happens all the time!"

"if it's a ghost I'll trap it in this jar :)"

*Holloway on the verge of killing Duke* "get away from me!" "don't worry! I'm not going anywhere! :)"

"what are ya doing Darlin'?" :(

"sh- she wouldn't!" :(

I know she's not actually dead BUT OH GOD IT HURTS THEIR REACTIONS DUKE'S SO SAD HNGGG AND ROSE SAYING HITS HER FAULT AUUGGHH AND DUKE'S STILL SO SWEET AND THE CAT-

Oh to relieve the moment where Holloway starts to explain her past and then it cuts to the future I was so mad dndjdjks

"the killer track! Keep up Duke!"

James' character is SO done with Solomon

"did you want me cut the mic?"

Hailey's betrayal!!!

Ted!

Deb and Alice!!

I've seen the ep before but it's still so nice seeing all these characters

Duke was trying his best

Can't believe Thrash didn't actually sell his soul

Poor Thrash

"hey! Why are you still alive!?" is such a great quote out of context

OH GOD POOR KALE

"are you any good?" "NO! D':" "we're loud! :)"

AHH RUN AWAY WITH ME IT'S SO GOOD

Fireworks :''((((

"that was radical guys! I mean it! Bitchin!"

KALE :(

"feels good to be heros for once" yeah sure Duke

DON'T CRY DON'T CRY DON'T CRY-

"I couldn't forget you even if I tried you know how I feel about you!" :'(

"oh yeah. He was watching the fireworks" :'(

HNGGG I THAT BIT IS ALL SO SAD

Mrs Holiday!

"is that a tape deck in there Mrs retro?"

OH NEEDY BEAST VERSION OF THE THEME YESSS

I forgot about the Becky Barnes bit! Jddjdj

Paul is dead records

Director Barry Swift

What does it mean WHAT DOES IT MEAN

[kizzys]

Starkid Rewatch: The Guy Who Didn't Like Musicals 🎼

Finally we have reached the hatchetfield series

My paulkins brain is ready let's gooo

I'm that one lady in the audience who's genuinely jamming out to the intro

Thinking back to how the intro was just foreshadowing the ending and that Emma gets infected too

🎶what an ass, what a bitch, what a cuuuuuuuuck🎶

I love how every musical with them has lauren and robert having a cute dance number

Paul was clearly set up to be the asshole character but we all chose to love him so they just went along with it

LATTAY HOTTAY ☕

Does she know i would die for her

I have very low blood sugar

Paulkins interaction here we go

Knowing that ted is the homeless man...

I don't know how it changes things here but somehow it just does

Reluctant friendship hcs for paul and green peace girl come through

Once again: props to June saito for understanding the duality of lesbian fashion

Hey it's everyone's favorite murder grandpa

Oh, look a new blouse

Pitch perfect whomst?

I love that for Bill it's never a question of alice being gay..it's never really that big of a deal. He just does not like deb

He even suggests other girls for alice

Its just really comforting for me to watch it be normalised so sweetly

Lah...dee...DAH. DAH. DAY?!

I will 100% believe this is the man behind the paul clones. He is so fucking unhinged look at him

🎶black coffee, I'm your coffee gal- NOOOOO!!!!!

He has to bend to half his height to meet her eye level i love them

Promise me you'll think about the implications!!

Jaime had no business being this hot during cup of poisoned coffee

They're constantly just holding hands or reaching out for each other it's too cute

YOU GRABBED THE WRONG ONE, YOU NOODLE!

The purest friendship

Ted casually jamming out to Robert's dance

[alien/turkey noises]

His brain fell out

Who is it? Professor hidgens! Don't lie to me whoever you are, I'm professor hidgens!

This is paul and...them

I'm going to...kick your...head

Iconic

Get you someone who looks at you the way paul looks at emma

Or even the way emma looks at paul really they're both equally soft

The biggest plot twist would have been if Paul had been the one to crash Jane's car

FUCK CLIVESDALE

So I guess I'm the supervillain? I don't think of you like that at all emma

I'm soft for them

Jaime i love u

Seriously her voice 😯

Jeff just jumping around while jaime sings like a goddess honestly same

Anyways paulkins are being all adorable in the background

I love how they're just screaming out for bill like fuck ted

I shot a charle-ton

Appreciate his jokes please

SING THE BEGINNING OF MOANA

The best starkid song honestly

Can we talk about how paul remembered most of the lines? Like emma and ted were just repeating whatever he said and bill was fucking singing the circle of life

Ted's voice cracking

I just realised he's sitting directly in front of charlotte's body and I know he's 90% an asshole but this fucking scene man

Like he cares just a little and we can all see it how he's trying to keep whats left of his friends from dying too

Honestly joey's acting here gets me

Height difference™

When he said "I respect her choices but..." I honestly initially thought some homophobic crap might follow but bill you absolute angel

He did not dissapoint

Bill Woodward 🤝 Steve harrington

If you get what I mean

(team i have no issue with you being a lesbian but please have better taste in girls)

Fancasting for denise or angela to play grace chastity in NPMD

Corey's expressions in this scene honestly breaks my heart

He just wanted to save his daughter 😔

prove it asshole, we're the army

he boop

WEAR A WATCH ⌚

I'm authorising you to use my firearm

Hidgens and mcnamara are both dramatic gays but with completely opposite energies

[foot sweep]

The way he skip-runs across the stage

Draco would be proud

For a 63 year old he can really work those hips

The audience losing their shit

Should I take this chair? I'll get the piano

The light slowly turning red as infected!mcnamara smiles

The audience slowly realising what the lyrics mean

Honestly iconic

One of my favorite moments in the show

So the last thing paul ever told emma was "byeeeee"?

Nah fuck that they both survived and are living happily in colorado running their pot farm

What ending?

The theatre being Paul's worst nightmare and starlight theatre being the place where he's killed, and starlight also being miss holloway's nightmare time? Methinks he might be her descendent of some sort

Watch out paul, he might kick your head

Mr. Davidson didn't want to be a mindless alien slave! He wanted to be choked by his wife!

Starkid stroking their villain takes a whole another level here huh

Jon slipping between normal talking to singing after every other word is pure talent

All jokes and paulkins related angst aside the ending is actually really amazing for a multitude of reasons

1. Inevitable is an absolute masterpiece of a song and it ties in all the previous songs that were there in the show

2. It provides context to the intro song (its all a fucking loop babey)

3. We get this one final moment of softness

4. Emma's scream perfectly harmonises with the ending of inevitable

5. It spectacularly breaks the 4th wall for the second time and integrates the audience as characters in the show

6. They never once break character through the whole thing

7. It proves once and for all that the hero of the story was never paul, it was emma. paul was just the final villain

That being said I am happily going back deep down in denial-town. You can find me drowning in a bucketload of paulkins fluff fics goodbye

[susiephone]

okay okay okay okay i just finished episode 2 of nightmare time. SPOILERS BELOW, HOLY SHIT SPOILERS. SCROLL PAST IF YOU HAVEN’T SEEN. but here are my thoughts

overall:

the lang brothers are geniuses

this could truly be the next twilight zone

the hour-long format is PERFECT for expanding on the hatchetfield multiverse. it’s not overstuffed like black friday was and we get to delve deep into so many different facets of the world

MAJOR PROPS TO THE PIANIST

i also love that this whole thing gives fanfic authors free reign. anything we write COULD be canon in some other timeline. and if there’s an inconsistency? blame it on the multiverse

bill and sylvia: new otp

there haven’t been any songs i’ve really loved yet (besides the theme song), but the stories are so good that i almost don’t care

forever and always:

i fully expected not-emma to be called “kelly”

my theory is that the emma we met from tgwdlm is indeed the real emma perkins, because i don’t think not-emma would’ve been as surprised by the invasion and blue shit as she was. plus, she would’ve kicked infected!paul’s ass

lauren lopez deserves an award for the scenes where she played both emmas. that was incredible.

as horrifying as the ending was, i kind of smiled at the idea of not-emma and paul-23 going off together to live in unholy matrimony, forever. in a way, they’re perfect for each other. and i think they do genuinely love each other, in spite of it all.

i feel like having mariah and robert sing the song together was throwing us a bone since we didn’t see them play a couple in black friday (though angela turned out to be the perfect lex in my opinion)

i thought the fact that clones/androids have the same memories and thinking process as the original was super interesting and it really does muddy the waters as to who’s “real” or not

also makes me wonder if jane was somehow mixed up in all this... the timing of emma’s supposed death and her death, both via vehicle crashes, is awfully coincidential

time bastard:

i didn’t think anything to come out of hatchetfield would spook me more than the ending of black friday. 

then this fucker.

little sad this debunked the theory that ethan is ted’s little brother, but oh well

it made me a little sad that ted really does think of paul as his best friend

the homeless man reveal SHOOK ME TO MY CORE. my jaw was on the ground.

also i loved the grins of the cast, like they’d been waiting for that moment the whole time

i bet the livestream went INSANE

also ted’s vision of dancing with jenny at the wedding genuinely made me tear up. joey’s so good at making me pity ted even when he’s being an absolute shitbag

speaking of which, i actually gasped and went “oh no...” when i realized ted was fucking it up with jenny when he went back in time. i really wanted it to all work out somehow.

i REALLY hope andy and jenny come back

the ending of this had me horrified and tearing up at the same time. it really does remind me of the ending of some twilight zone episodes, where the protagonist brings their fate wholly on themselves, but it’s just so horrible that no one really deserves it.

GET TED OUT OF THE BASTARD’S BOX 2K20.

[faithfulcat111]

Moving into Black Friday Act 2. Favourite bits under the cut:

Jingle and Jangle

'What the fuck am I watching?'

'How is it?' 'Not good, Tom.' 'No, I was talking about the movie.' 'So was I. It's really bad.'

'This is the best movie ever!'

Xander Lee in general

'Physicist. Is that like a scientist?' 'Yes. He is also the best damn field agent I've ever worked with.' 'Field agent. Is that like a soldier?'

'Fuck that. Fuck that. That's all folks!'

'I dislike that word, Gerald, cult. No, it's an exciting new religion that I started.'

'Of course you can come inside and support me! But, before you do, you should know that my first act as divine prophet was to set fire to the Cinnabon as a sacrifice to a dark god. Oh, now you'd rather stay outside and keep the car warm!'

Adore Me is such a great song

Homeless Guy kissing Linda's toe during 'kiss my toe' line and Man in a Hurry being so excited behind him

Lauren's voice

Gary being the only one to change his costume when deciding to join the cult by ditching his coat and scarf, putting his tie around his head, and his vest being all messed up. But everyone else still in the same clothes from Feast or Famine. This is why Gary got his own cult in the fandom. He was waiting for a chance to go feral this whole time.

Everyone lifting and carrying Linda everywhere

'What's shaking banana?'

'Don't worry, kid, we don't get tricked. We're grown-ups.'

That switch for Tom and Becky from good guys to bad guys in this scene

Kim's voice

Do You Want To Play With Me? just is so good.

Dylan's voice

Becky giving herself the sedative instead of Hannah and just going, 'Oh, shit! It's in my leg!'

'She's heavy!'

'The prophet shall bathe in the blood of the unfaithful. Joyous day!'

Wilbur's apple

'I can't be evil! I'm a status quo democrat!'

Joey just handing the apple with a bite out of it to an audience member

Made in America is also so good, I can't think of a single song in Act 2 that isn't just amazing

Appreciate that Robert did a full outfit quick change from sniggle to that PIEP agent in like two minutes or something.

'I'll give you all the ponies your sick little heart desires.' 'I don't know if there are enough ponies in the world for that.'

Angela's voice

Sherman just slo-mo choking Lex and then freezing so she can do her solo

'I'm authorizing you to use my firearm!'

'I hope they didn't tow my car.'

'They're all into fortnite, dude!'

The choreography in general during Wiggle. Just everything about this scene

The mal cop and Robert's shoppers having a dance solo each for this scene

'Gerald? Hey, it's Gary. Yeah, we got to talk about the will.'

Gary using his phone even though he still is wearing his bluetooth device.

'What am I supposed to do without my iPhone?' 'Wear a watch.'

Kendall's voice

What If Tomorrow Comes is so beautiful

Papa Ed and Peanuts

That soft look Paul gets everytime he looks at Emma

Hannah and Lex hugging there at the end

Ted just holding Charlotte and HCB's hands in that final scene

[nobodytellsme-anything]

what do we know about hatchetfield characters /nightmare time episode 2 in depth SPOILER WARNING

HELLO WHAT WAS THAT

ahem

so lads ya local simp made the mistake of watching episode two of nightmare time and is scarred for LIFE which means hyperfixating time! :D

if you haven’t seen it yet, GET OUTTA HERE. if you have, i’m gonna try attacking this detail by detail because i physically cannot rest til i’ve taken these two episodes piece by piece (and maybe cursed the langs a couple hundred times) and reasoned a happy ending for all of them in my mind! that’s just how this works! also i’m doing this directly from memory and discord vents, so if i miss anything please tell me

MAJOR SPOILERS UNDER THE CUT. STAY THE HELL AWAY FOR YOUR SANITY.

forever and always

the homeless dude knows foreverandalways!emma from somewhere and is trying to stop her and paul from getting married (more on this later!)

ted’s at the wedding on october 17, 2019 (this is super important)

faa!emma matthews (to separate from tgwdlm!emma perkins) isn’t the real emma perkins. she’s an android double constructed by ccrp technical (oh yeah bitch) who has emma perkins’ dna, face, and life because--

tgwdlm!emma perkins sold her biological info in a shady deal for quick money to some corporation (mmm thAT one). she also spent her time backpacking in guatemala. in this universe, she’s never met paul, was presumed dead because she nearly died in guatemala, had her things and identification stolen, and had to make it back to hatchetfield without any form of id

tgwdlm!emma dies by paul’s hand, goaded on by faa!emma matthews, and is dropped in a lake (rip, sweet bby, you deserved so much better)

what about paul, you may ask? oh, this isn’t tgwdlm!paul, this is paul 23, a clone of paul produced by ccrp who later killed tgwdlm!paul and led a revolution of clones against the company that made them. he has most of our paul’s person down, except for his relationship with emma and memories here and there

android!emma and paul 23 are gonna kill homeless man in the ending (oh man yeah this is important)

time bastard

(where the HELL do i start)

in this universe, professor hidgens talks to siri instead of alexa. this is while he’s talking to ted about the potentials of getting laid by robots (which is the most disgusting thing i have ever had to type but it does, in fact, get worse)

ted had a previous love named jenny. in this time, he isn’t an asshole and he doesn’t objectify women, he repeatedly calls jenny the love of his life and his best friend (which i’m so soft for), but on october 17, 2004, jenny agrees to move in with andy to clivesdale (fuck clivesdale), even though she loves ted (who wouldn’t). this causes ted to  become the pushy asshole we all hate. (it gets worse)

ted gets blackout drunk and transported to an alternate reality where he and jenny get married and he’s the boss of ccrp technical.

this vision is shown by a new eldritch horror god named tinky, who explains that he has ted in some yellow box of time/space/reality, and deems ted the time bastard. essentially, he’s fucking with ted on supernatural levels.

ted’s office is directly under what’s basically a time machine, an experiment worked on by coven communications research and power. when ted tiredly drudges over to his office for late night paperwork, he falls asleep on his chair and jokingly says he’ll be there for 85 years, which is how he accidentally tim travels

ted wakes up on october 17, 2104, 85 years in the future. he finds out that ccrp is doing human experimentation, using emma perkin’s biological info as an example, the world is divided into corporations and the leader of future ccrp is kilgore, someone who’s been waiting to hunt ted down because

ted is now outside major timelines, meaning his dna has genetic codes to unlock time travel. kilgore wants to kill ted for his dna.

ted manages to escape. he uses a futuristic weapon to disintegrate kilgore. he runs away back to his office and realizes that he can travel places anywhere in time. instead of going back to 2019, he chooses to travel back to 2004 to get back together with jenny

in a horrible turn of events, ted kicks andy 2004 ass, who identifies ted as “the bastard” and vows revenge (who’s andy? READ BACK UP) and jenny accidentally gets disintegrated. ted’s traumatized and tries to go back to his office to go back four hours earlier, but because the time machine hasn’t been invented yet, he gets stuck in 2004

tinky reappears and fucks with ted some more, forcing ted to listen to that yellow box of people living, dead, and nonexistent. this warps ted’s mind and permanently traumatizes him, leaving him alone, mentally disturbed, and homeless. (i can’t say enough how many times i typed “i’m so sorry ted” on all the chats i was on during watching this it HURTS)

as the homeless man, on october 17, 2019, ted tries to stop paul and emma’s wedding, having remembered that info on emma from his earlier trip. this fails and he gets kicked out

i’m sure you know what happens, but android! emma and paul 23 kill homeless man ted. this gets his spirit (?) stuck inside tinky’s box

inside the box is a maze of of strange proportions, and tinky controls ted and other people

ted considers paul his best friend

ted’s last name is spankovsty (not even gonna comment on this)

oop. there we go. i hope i got everything and i still have so much more i want/need to break down on the characters and themes and the new (oh no) extraterrestrial being, but here’s the whole list for now.

we are gonna die next saturday.

[wizisbored]

pls talk about zaz and ted meeting/interactions, i need to know what its like. (side note, she'd be running into homeless man and not reg ted since he hasnt encountered tinky at this point right? -💙

it is homeless man, yea. also, note: from here im going to refer to zaz, jemilla and fisher’s language as latin. i know prehistoric people did not speak latin but its easier than writing out ‘prehistoric language’ and will probably be what i use if i have to write it since i already use latin for their language in wildfire and its a dead language im familiar with

for a long time, zaz, jemilla, and fisher barely interacted with modern humans out of fear and general lack of understanding. but once they accept that theyre stuck in this time period zaz volunteers to go and scout out the town since she feels like shes made this whole mess worse with her fucking around with divine power and this is the least she can do to start turning that around. shes made an attempt to blend in with a tank top and trousers she found/stole, but shes still got her ankle cuffs, no shoes and a bone necklace so she gets some odd looks. at this point her horns arent quite as big as some of the drawings ive done and her hair is quite fluffy when its not tied back so theyre covered a bit but still noticable. most people assume its all some sort of weird costume and dont give her too much thought.

shes wandering around central hatchetfield trying to figure out what the hell is going on with the concept of capitalism when a man comes up to her and says “spare change for the homeless?” she doesnt understand it and has no idea how to respond so they just stare blankly at each other for a moment, and then he says “oh, sorry,” and repeats himself in fluent latin. theyre both taken off gaurd since neither of them expected him to be able to do that and then it kind of clicks for both of them that this is probably to do with the whole dark god thing. 

ted grabs zaz, pulls her into an alley and hurriedly shoves his beanie over her horns, hissing at her to “fucking cover yourself.” they talk, neither really sure what language theyre speaking, and ted explains the basics of how money works. she doesnt really like him much but hes the only person who she can ask for help. he teaches her enough english to panhandle and they spend all day begging, and then he shows her how to buy chocolate. perhaps not the most responsible use of the very little money she has but thats what happens when a dark god breaks the brain of the guy giving you advice. she thinks it’s great, though, and immediately takes it back to the woods to share with jemilla and fisher. they think its great too and zaz keeps buying it. its around that time they start feeling mildly ill on occasion because they have no clue what lactose intolerance is.

[lia-jones]

Growing Pains - Chapter Four - My Office. NOW.

I arrived at LFG the next day at 8 am, way before everybody else did. I went to the CEO’s office and left an envelope on top of his desk, with my resignation letter inside.

I brewed some coffee, and grabbing a cup for myself, I sat on my laptop and worked on the pending things I had to do for the week. Whoever would take my work, would have no problem picking up the pace if I left things organized.

I was so absorbed in my task I didn’t even notice all the other people coming in. I also didn’t notice Victor’s arrival, so it came as a surprise to see Victor’s message on the company communication channel.

My office. NOW.

I knocked on the glass door and heard a dry “come in”. Victor was sitting at his desk, my resignation letter in his hand.

“You called?” I said, my voice emotionless.

“Explain this.” His tone was severe, angry even, as he threw the letter on the desk with contempt.

“Not much to explain, it’s my resignation letter.” I said, my cold eyes meeting his fiery ones.

“Is it now?” His tone was of scorn. “Here’s what I think about your resignation letter.” He took the letter from the table and slowly ripped it to pieces. I was astonished, not believing my own eyes. That man had some nerve. Suddenly he got up, and although he wasn’t loud or aggressive, I was startled all the same. I could hear my heartbeat in my eardrums.

“Tomorrow morning a car will be picking you up at 6:30 in the morning. You will be ready for it at 6: 29, so you won’t cause any delays. You’ll pack a bag for a two-day trip, including dresses for business dinners. You said you wanted to learn, here is your chance, I will teach you. Tomorrow, you’ll sit with me at the grown-ups table.” His grey eyes were menacing and icy, defying me to retort or refuse. Seeing him like this, I simply couldn’t. I just stood there and took all of his fury, unable to move a muscle. He paused for a moment, watching my reaction, and continued.

“Goldman will send you my schedule for the next two days, which you will memorize like it was your own name. You’ll also come prepared with all the information required about the companies I am going to visit, including reports on your analysis of the present reality for those companies, and what actions should be taken to protect the investments. And you will not fail or disappoint me, or I will personally make sure you will never work in finances again, here or in any other place. Understood?”

He spat the threat like it was coming from the deepest darkest pit inside him, and it fell on me like a double punch on my gut. I remained silent, knowing that I couldn’t possibly say no to him. I wasn’t pleased with the whole situation, but I wasn’t stupid enough to face the angry bear now. I had poked him, after all.

“Yes. Anything else, sir?” I said, my expression emotionless, the word sir coming out sourer than I intended.

His eye twitched, and for a nanosecond, it seemed this was as hard for him as it was for me, a glint of discomfort in his eyes. Clearly wishful thinking. He sat down and picked a file, and spoke to me while reading it. It was clearly his way to show despise.

“Yes. Later today you will have a desk placed in my office. You will be working with me closely, taking all the tasks I give you. You will be here when I arrive, and you will only leave when I tell you to leave. I will be demanding and most likely ill-tempered, but you’ll take it like an adult, since I will be teaching you everything I know. In return, I expect from you nothing less than excellence.”

I couldn’t believe this was happening, but I wouldn’t relent. I asked to be taught, didn’t I? If I played my cards right, I could profit greatly from all the knowledge he had to offer. I didn’t know if the CEO was pushing me to be better or if it was just punishment for being sassy, but I wouldn’t lose the opportunity to get my hands dirty and learn something worth the trouble.

Seeing Victor was already busy with his own work, not even caring to finish the conversation, I excused myself and went to my desk. Ted was waiting by my chair, his expression worried.

“What the hell happened? You’re pale as a ghost.” He asked, worried.

“Victor will be supervising me now. I will move to his office soon.” I said, my body feeling tired as all the tension slowly left it.

“Did he say why?”

“Not really.” I lied. “I think he wasn’t pleased with my reports.”

“Are you keeping any of my accounts? You were working on them, will Victor be supervising them too?” Ted seemed worried, maybe because he felt his efficiency was on trial as well.

“I don’t know, Ted. He’s your buddy, go ask him yourself.”

Ted didn’t lose any time. He went straight to Victor’s office. I just sat at my desk and went back to work, not minding what was happening there.

I opened my email to find I already had an email from Goldman with the schedule for the two-day trip. I printed it and put it beside me, starting to research about the companies we would be visiting.

I was so busy with my own work I didn’t notice the time pass me by, the busy energy of the company acting only as a background noise. I was startled by someone tapping me on the shoulder. It was Diane.

“Oh sweetie, I noticed you just came back from Victor’s office. You don’t look so good. We’re going to grab something to eat. Would you like to join us?” She said, smiling. Diane was a tall blonde with piercing blue eyes, and a voice so calm it could literally put you to sleep. She was one of the best workers in LFG, constantly praised by Victor but especially by Goldman, that seemed to like and respect her deeply. It was no surprise though, her heart being as big as her brains, and her attitude always positive and wise, making it extremely difficult not to like her.

I looked at the clock, it was one pm. But I still had a lot of work to cover. I was about to say no, when a man approached me.

“Hey, you’re Andrea, right? I’m Lenny. I’m here to move your things to the CEO’s office while you have lunch.” Lenny extended his hand for me to shake.

“Actually, I still have work to do…” I said, not wanting to leave my desk at all. Victor would be arriving from his lunch break soon, and I was pretty sure he would dump all kinds of tasks on me. And I still wasn’t done with what I had started in the morning.

“20 minutes, that’s all I ask. You’ll be doing me a solid, if the CEO arrives to see I still haven’t done what he asked me to, I’ll be in trouble.”

“Come with us, Andrea, we won’t take long, I have a lot to do too. You grab some lunch and relax a little, you’ll be more productive when you return.” Diane chimed in.

“20 minutes.” I turned to Lenny. “And make sure everything is working properly, I can’t lose any more time than the much I’m giving you.”

Lenny agreed and I went with Diane and some other people to this salad bar we often went to. We sat with our lunch, the others engaged in conversation, me and Diane eating silently. That is, until Diane broke the silence.

“So… Do you want to talk about what happened? Goldman was in his office when he opened your letter. He said he has never seen him so angry.”

“Well, the report presentation went incredibly sour yesterday. I thought he was going to fire me, so I quit. To save myself the humiliation. He didn’t take it too well.” I blurted out. I didn’t want to, but I needed to tell somebody.

“Went sour how?”

“Well, he called me an idiot… And I called him a bully. And he is a bully, Diane. I never had any complaints until yesterday, but I see how he treats people. Like he is the only smart person in the room. You’re close to Goldman, you know how nervous he gets. Life can’t be easy for him.” I tried to defend myself, although I knew I wasn’t very nice to Victor either.

“Ok… But he didn’t fire you. You’re moving your stuff to his office.” Diane stated, trying to put the pieces of the puzzle together.

“He’s my supervisor now and he wants me to work closely with him. Probably to make me trip and add to my humiliation.” I sighed.

“I’ve known Victor for a while now. Goldman and I have been in the company for at least 7 years working close to him. And he’s not what he seems, Andy. He gives off the cold vibe but he’s actually a very kind and honorable person. It’s hard for him to let people in, I think. Do you know how Goldman started working at LFG?”

I shook my head, giving her my undivided attention.

“He was in a very bad place when he applied. He was practically homeless, he had lost his parents recently, nobody would hire him. He applied to work as a receptionist. Victor interviewed him, for some reason.” Diane paused to sip her drink. “When Victor asked him why someone with an Economics degree was applying as a receptionist, he told him his troubles. Victor not only hired him, but he did it as his assistant. And for a while, LFG paid the rental of a small apartment so Goldman could save some money and get himself back on his feet. And Victor taught him everything he needed to know about the job, making him his right arm. Victor didn’t need to do that.”

I pondered for a moment, thinking about how he helped me with my car trouble. Although it was a very uncomfortable experience, he was nothing but a gentleman. But that man was a very different man from the man threatening me in his office.

“He seems to be two very different people.” I said, concluding the conversation, not wanting to talk about it anymore.

“Well, since you are working with him, here’s a piece of advice. Don’t let his standoffish act fool you. Give him the benefit of the doubt.”

I nodded. Maybe he wasn’t all that bad. I sure hoped so, since I would be in close vicinity for the next few months.

I ran to the office to finish my work. My desk was already set on Victor’s office. Fortunately, he was still on his lunch break, so I sat and put on my earphones, resuming my work, my focus solely on my screen, the music blocking exterior stimuli. I worked fast and furiously for a while, my mind speeding through the process, when my concentration was broken by the sight of a tie next to my screen. I could only imagine the scolding I would get if the CEO had been there for long talking to me and I didn't listen.

“Sorry for the earphones. I needed to focus. Do you need anything?” I asked him.

“Do you have your reports ready? Did you gather all the information regarding the companies?”

“Almost ready. It’ll be finished in half an hour.” I answered.

“Let’s hope the quality of your work surpasses your efficiency, which is seriously lacking. A toddler could do it in half the time.” He said, sitting down at his desk.

I sighed. Who told me to be that straightforward to the guy and call him a bully?

“Did you have lunch?” I heard his voice again.

“Yes, I took a quick break and ate.”

“Rule number one in this office: No matter how busy you are, you take a break to eat and drink.”

“Understood.”

“The last thing I need is the intern to pass out from hunger and make a fool of herself in my office.”

This was going to be hell. I could feel it. Way to go, Andrea, you missed a perfectly good opportunity to be quiet.

[goodguydotmp3]

wait so are you an anarchist? no judgement just are you. or like I mean a communist or sum just like do you think ultimately the government should be overthrown and what do you think should replace it/what lack of thing

Okay so I have totally been going back and forth on how to properly answer this all day, this is my best attempt at properly explaining.

So I do consider myself an anarco-communist. I live in the U.S So I can really only comment on the situation here, but the entire government here absolutely needs to be thrown out, and we need to have the workers own the means of production. 

Why does this government need to go? Besides the fact that Ted Cruz would finally shut the fuck up, it’s simply impossible to have Justice and democracy on land that was stolen, and then built and maintained from genocide and slavery. First and foremost, I really think wee need to give jurisdiction of the land back to he natives. but beyond that the thing that’s gonna have to ultimately replace the government is community. Looking out for your fellow man. THE ABOLISHMENT OF CAPITAL!!! WHY DO WE HAVE THAT??? IT LITERALLY POISONS YOUR MIND!!

And people have asked me before like “oh so you think everything is free?” No! I just don’t think that your labor, time, energy, or body should be exploited, and I think you should have your most basic necessities. Like that should just be a basic right. All the things you need to survive should be a right! And on top of that, many of the problems with our current society stem from capitalism, or the pursuit of Capital. 

I’m really trying not to make this into an entire essay but the reality is, anything I say is going to sound really simple on paper but be something that is going to take a village to put in practice, which I guess is my entire point! To borrow capitalist’s terms, other people are our biggest asset. We as a collective should figure out how to get everyone’s most basic needs met first and foremost. Best example I have is food and shelter. Why is food and shelter behind a paywall???? If you do not have those you will die! And it’s not like the food and shelter isn’t there, it’s just behind paywalls and government regulations. And those regulations just feed right back into the cycle of genocide and slavery. Why are we locking people up for making shelter where no one is living?? Why are we rounding up people like chickens the day before the family reunion and putting them into concrete cells with no plants!! and then forcing them to provide labour for next to nothing! Not to mention that prisoners are often forced to do potentially life threatening work, so that the government doesn’t actually have to allocate those funds for trained people? For example, prisoners in California usually fight the yearly wild fires (this year because of Covid they are too sick to do so, which, while I’m glad they don’t have to, it brings up the issue of hwy they’re there right now in the first place???? Like,,,, do you not think people being cooped in an overcrowded prison with no ppe during a deadly pandemic while their Overseer gets to go in and out freely is going to end well????), and The same state spends millions on “homeless sweeps”, gathering people out of homeless camps and on the street to, you guessed it! Prisons! Add to that the fact that in this country, black and latineh queer youth are the most likely into end up homeless, the fact that black and indigenous people tend to have inherited poverty because of the whole colonialism thing + the repeated efforts to exclude and disenfranchise BIPOC, making them more likely to not own homes, or be in a position to acquire a home, plus you also have to consider the stagnation of wages with the mounting cost of living, oh and don’t forget the fact that having an illness of any kind can send you into crippling debt, impoverishment and eventual homelessness. OH! Plus, if you have any mental illness, nuerodivergency, or addiction issues, they can make it harder for you to work a job, even worse they can put you in a position where the only kind of jobs you can work are a heavy strain on your mind and body, putting you right back into the category of having an expensive illness. Also those thing can get your agency taken away, making it harder for you to own a home, hold a job, hell even vote, but most of all home, and it your designated caretaker can’t afford to take care of you well then both of you are on the street. I almost forgot about the vets!!! They go get terrible ptsd and possibly a horrible injury that leaves them disabled so this country can acquire more! Oil!!! Only for this country to spit on their backs and leave them on the street. I feel like there’s more I’m missing, but I can’t think of em right now? This reply is too long already

Anyway!! You take all of that you you apply what I’ve already said, that homeless people in this country often wind up either dead or imprisoned for the crime of Checks notes not having a home, and it almost sounds like State sanctioned genocide. With a dash of Slavery just to spice things up. 

Now the obvious solution here is give them a fucking home tf. Obviously I’ve mentioned some other things in there that of course needs addressing. For example people should have access to the mental health services they need, no one should be without a home because they can’t perform labor, queer kids shouldn’t be fucking thrown out but that last one is another entirely new rant, that, surprise! is made worse by American extremism! 

But again! All of the solutions that I have offered are currently behind a paywall or a government regulation. there are some states where housing homeless people is illegal without a permit, and others where it’s illegal to feed them. State sanctioned genocide! Which really drives home my point I feel, about how the state (AND CAPITAL) should not be used to allocate resources, and we as a collective should figure out ways to meet the needs out our community.

For example, even if there were no empty homes, there are people who know how to build houses! There are scientists who work on eco friendly building methods! There are carpeters who build tables and chairs! There are Rug makers out there If you’re so inclined like!!! why is it behind a paywall???? why can scientists not just help us build eco friendly homes without the government being like “nah”? To the end of medical professionals and mental health services, not only are they behind steep paywalls, but they’re also locked behind bureaucratic nonsense. What’s more, you may have to go into debt if you want to acquire that sort of degree/specialization! Why is that so hard to acquire???? It’s ridiculous!!

Again!!! I’m literally only using a few basic needs as an example because as you can see, all this stuff is connected, and really I’m just trying to make sure I get my reasoning across, not actual step by step instructions, because there are tons of solutions to the issues I've presented, I’m one person with one opinion and by no means am I an authority! Not only that, But I’m not an expert in any field, and there are tons of problem the government and capital have created that could better be solved by shifting the responsibility from a small governmental body with tons of capital, the people with actual resources. The problem is, the best way you’re going to get solutions is by having people come together to find what works best, and in many cases, the solution won’t be something that works universally. 

I hope this properly answered your question!

[theliterarywolf]

2019′s Animation Hidden Gems

So, another year has come and gone. And, in regards to animated content, we had a sizable smorgasboard of offerings both on the mainstream end and the Indie scene. 

I figured I would go over some of the ones that caught my eye that I don’t see many people talking about or, if they are talking about them, they’re focusing on shitty e-drama rather than the content in of itself. 

So, let’s begin!

... Just going to use a ‘Read More’ break due to the length of this post as well as spoilers for certain things within.

Tuca and Bertie

So, we’re just going to acknowledge the fact that Netflix’s cancellation of this show before it even had the chance to hit its stride (which coincidentally timed in with the team behind it, the same team behind Bojack Horseman, getting the rights to unionize -- but I’m sure that’s just a coincidence~) was one of the shittiest things they did this year, right? Right. 

Anyway, Tuca and Bertie was one of those shows that, while it took me a good few days to finally watch it (due mostly to Netflix burying this show underneath those damn Ted Bundy movies and that fucking Beyonce concert/documentary/what-the-fuck-ever), was definitely a front-runner for adult-centered animation this year. 

While the wacky animation styles can sometimes throw initial viewers off, by the time the series is halfway through you’re fully engrossed in how it helps to tell the stories this show wants to focus on. 

While, yes, the show was a little heavy-handed in one of the early episodes about women in the workplace (that whole scene of Tuca screaming obnoxiously in the board-meeting to signal that no woman had spoken in 30 minutes was kind of grating even though the message is sound), the series as a whole is a great change of pace in regards to having adult animation centered on/aimed towards women. The characters work great together, the sound design works wonders, and Netflix cancelling this show despite they themselves not promoting it is such a damn crime. 

My personal favorite part/episode: While the episode “The Jelly Lakes” was a great, poignant display of showing Bertie opening up about her past trauma and sexual abuse, the episode that I always resonate with during rewatches of this series is “Plumage”. The way that it tackles not only reconciling with addiction but emotional/psychological abuse and how it often comes from sources that are on the outside beneficial hits so close to home. The fact that it was handled with tact and respect while still being in this wacky world of talking bird-people was amazing. 

Sound and Fury

I... am just going to come out and admit it, my brain still hasn’t 100% wrapped around the ‘what does it MEAN?!?!’ aspect of this animated album but, damn it all, is it a feast for the ears and eyes. 

I honestly can’t talk about it too much because half the enjoyment comes from watching it for yourself.

My personal favorite part/episode: I can’t quite remember what the song’s name was, but visually it was the section that focused on the homeless veteran basically being left outside to die while the city is about to be decimated by a nuclear bomb. The fact that the segment shows everything, right down to how the cat he tries to rescue agonizingly burns to death when the bomb hits, has stuck with me.

Love, Death + Robots

Well, you guys didn’t think I was going to let 2019 pass without me gushing about one of my favorite animation anthologies of the year, did you? 

Seriously, I am so glad that Netflix has greenlit a second volume for this project because it really is the type of stuff I like to see: collections of vastly different stories using different mediums and styles. 

While two of the entries aren’t as strong as the others (”The Witness” and “Ice Age” freaking suck, don’t @ me), the bulk of the anthology is immensely strong and well-executed and no amount of people whinging about ‘myeh, it’s too sex-filled and violent~’ is going to ruin that. 

My personal favorite part/episode: The segment “Suits” still takes my award for best in show, but I still like the series potential of “Shapeshifters” and the attempt at cosmic horror in “Beyond the Aquila Rift”. 

Satellite City

I hate, hate, HATE that my initial exposure to Sam Fennah’s creative world, much like other people’s first exposure, was via that DAMN Nostalgia Critic review for The Wall!

But, in all seriousness, Fennah’s web-series as well as the book that he’s been working on are so excellently crafted. 

The character design: I’ve gushed so much about the character design that doing so again here would be a crime. But it really is wonderful seeing monster designs that think ‘monstrous’ first and ‘marketability’ second. 

The voice acting: everyone in here does an exceptional job with their performances and giving life to not only the characters but the world surrounding them. Seriously, they’re all amazing and I can only hope that their talents are showcased in other projects. 

The animation: the fact that it’s all done and rigged by one person is awe-inspiring enough but the way that Fennah works to make sure that the characters don’t stick out too much from their real-world sets is incredible. 

The writing: It would be so easy for a series like this to stick to wacky hijinks, violence, and toilet-humor, but no. We have excellently crafted, mature dialogue, we have incorporated world-building that doesn’t rely on exposition dumps, we have diction that rivals some of the commercial hyper-hits of the current year.

Seriously, I wish that more people watched this series; it’s so good..!

My personal favorite part/episode: This relies on some spoilers, but I have to talk about what I think the highlight of the series. While the episode “Slice of Life” gives a good display of the core cast in a day-to-day setting with Lucy Lacemaker giving an incredible monologue about the nature of life and immortality at the end, no where else does the work behind the craft of Satellite City shine more...

Than in Episode 20 - “The Order of Things”. Satellite City centers around the Kivouachians, a species of unworldly creatures who have been around for billions of years but, due to war and betrayal, lost their homeland and have been scattered across the Earth. 

During this war, many died, many were punished, many were tortured, and many were left to deal with horrific trauma and PTSD. 

While this episode has the connecting tissue of informing others that the series’ antagonist has escaped her prison, it also centers upon the heavy issue of destructive, toxic relationships and how people can let themselves waste away and decay just because they can’t find it in themselves to let go of something that may ‘make them happy’. 

We also get a dialogue from Lucy Lacemaker about the nature of art and imitation, but it’s simply the cherry on top of the sundae that the prior themes build up. 

... Seriously, j-just go watch the show; put has-been critics out of your minds and just go appreciate this series for what it is.

Hazbin Hotel/Helluva Boss/Holidaze

God, I can only be in awe of and respect Vivienne for getting to the point that she has gotten to. Two well-received animated pilots, an adorable holiday special, industry ties, and a portfolio that surely can fill two phone books at this point. 

Seriously, though, Hazbin Hotel is great: an adult animated show with an interesting art style, engaging characters, and a world that I really want to see more of. 

Helluva Boss is great too! That show has a more intimate cast and less insanity so if the barrage of visuals in the prior turned you off, then the latter would probably be more your cup of tea. 

Finally, Holidaze is fucking adorable. It boggles my mind that people were getting upset at this special for coming out and doing something different when most complaints against HH and HB were ‘ugh, she really can’t do anything aside from “offensive people in hell are offensive because HELL, lol”’. Well, here you go! Something wholesome and cute and heartwarming!

Some people just want to bitch and moan, I swear...

My personal favorite part/episode: See, here’s where it gets tricky. I love the feeling I get from Holidaze. I love the characters from Hazbin Hotel. I love the setting/premise of Helluva Boss. 

But I wouldn’t want all of those things crammed together. 

So, all in all, VivziePop and her colleagues have done an amazing job with these shorts and I can’t wait to see what 2020 has in store for them.

Dororo (2019)

Look, man! I get it, okay?! When it comes to anime where the main character in a feudal-era Japan setting goes around killing demons, everyone and their grandma was gushing over Demon Slayer. 

And, you know what? Demon Slayer is a good show; it has really good animation and Nezuko is best girl. 

... But fuck ALL OF YOU who slept on Dororo (2019), man! I get it, Amazon having the streaming rights to it made it all sorts of awful to try and keep up with, but even so this show was way too ignored by people.

Which is a damn shame because in regards to revamping classic anime IPs, this is right up there in ‘damn, they actually did a good job’ along with Casshern Sins and Devilman Crybaby.

My personal favorite part/episode:

... Have I mentioned that the theme song for this show is an absolute BANGER?!

That’s all I have for now. I still have yet to watch things like Klaus and I Lost My Body, and I was unfortunately unable to watch Promare due to not having the funds for it when it was in theaters, and -- Oh my fucking GOD, I’m just now finding out that Netflix has Hey Arnold! The Jungle Movie after trying to find a way to legally watch it for ages. 

But I hope that I was able to introduce some of you to some animated pieces that got a little overshadowed this year. 

Here’s hoping for more amazing stuff to grace our eyes in 2020!

[bobasheebaby]

70 Scrubs Prompts

Yup, another prompt list. Most of these are actually light and funny, though some are a little heavier. I tried to pick ones that would work outside of a hospital setting. Again it’s super long so cutting at 15. 

1 “And who’s to say this isn’t what happens? Who can tell me that my fantasies won’t come true? Just this once ... “ — John JD Dorian

2 “Look NAME, I don’t know if it’s possible for me to put how I feel about you into words, but I guess I’ll give it a shot. I never really believed I’d find somebody that I love as much as you. I love you more than anything in the whole world. NAME, I love you more than FRIEND.” “Oh my god” “It's kind of hard for me to say, but it's true.” — John JD Dorian and Elliot Reid

3 “I grew up on the street ... No, not the hood. The Sesame Street.” — John JD Dorian

4 “As I looked at all the relationships around me ... Some that had gone on forever ... some that were reigniting ... and some that had just begun ... I realized something: It should have been me.” — John JD Dorian

5 “NAME, you can’t test love. When I met NAME, it seemed he/she was more in love with his/her best friend than with me.” “Honey, they’ve got that almond biscotti FRIEND loves, so I was wondering if I could borrow some money so I can get him/her some.” “No, you got him/her a present yesterday.” — Carla and Turk

6 “You’ve been wrong so many times that I'm not even going to say something is wrong anymore. I'm going to say that it's 'NAME'.

— Perry Cox

7 “I just took a pregnancy test, just tell me when a minute's up.” “I just put some pizza rolls on the microwave oven; the minute that bad boy rings we're good to go.” “Oh, my god, I can't stand it, 30 more seconds.” “OK baby, don't get too excited, they have to cool off for at least a minute.” — Carla and Turk

8 “So, uh, you going to lunch with your brother/sister?” “Yeah, I... well, you know, I would've invited you, but I already made the reservation for two.” “So call and change it to three.” “Ohh, I'm not gonna mess with that hostess. You know, she uses sharp tones.” — Elliot Reid and John JD Dorian

9 “Nothing in this world, that's worth having comes easy.” — Bob Kelso

10 “Yeah, I'm not that great with kids. They've got such tiny hands. It's creepy.” — Elliot Reid

11 “I love this moment so much, I want to have sex with it.” — Perry Cox

12 “Oh, my God! I'm gagging and vomiting at the same time. I'm... I'm gavomiting!” — Perry Cox

13 “So he/she has a cute butt. Everyone has a cute butt. I have a cute butt.” “You should bring it in someday.” — John JD Dorian & Carla Espinosa

14 “The problem with people who only want what they can’t have is that once they have what they want, they don’t want it anymore.” — John JD Dorian

15 “I guess when you care about someone, you’ll do whatever you can to make ’em happy.” —John JD Dorian

16 “The truth is, it is all your memories, the joyful ones and the heartbreaking ones that make up who you are as a person” — John JD Dorian

17 “‘Cause even if it breaks your heart to be ‘just friends’, if you really care about someone, you’ll take the hit.“ — John JD Dorian

18 “The easiest way to lose something is to want it too badly.” — John JD Dorian

19 “Sometimes in life when you get what you want, you end up missing what you left behind.” — John JD Dorian

20 “Sex is only good for two things. Making babies and revenge.” — Jordan Sullivan

21 “What's going on?” “I love you too dumpling, but I have to work late. I'll make it up to you this weekend.” “NAME’s on the phone with his/her mom/dad/parent, so we're taking five.” — Jordan Sullivan, Ted Buckland and Perry Cox

22 “By the way, NAME’s here but I'm not going to kiss and tell.” “Oh really? Cause I just got your text that said "bone city".” “Oh really? That came through?” — JD and Elliot

23 “You're gonna love it here, sport.” “Get out while you still can.” “Uh...” “Seriously, get out while you still can.” — Bob Kelso, Ted Buckland, and Keith Dudemeister

24 “Ted, what are you doing?” “I like to do stomach crunches after lunch.” “Ted, lunch was four hours ago.” “Yep, I wasted most of my Tuesday.” “It's Wednesday.” “Aw, man! I missed SHOW!” — John JD Dorian and Ted Buckland

25 “Well, it took a whole tube of gel, but I finally got my hair down.” “No one male or female ever cared, NAME.” — Ted Buckland and Perry Cox

26 “Thirsty, huh?” “Helps the tears taste less bitter.” “Cheers.” — John JD Dorian and Ted Buckland

27 “I have to get ready man. I want my date with NAME to be perfect. What do you think about a romantic horseback ride on the beach?” “Ooh, like you and I did for your birthday.” “Yeah but except this time with two horses.” — John JD Dorian and Turk

28 “I am wearing red. Should I not be wearing red around her?” “She's pregnant, she's not a bull.” — Elliot Reid and Turk

29 “This is why the headache didn't go away, it is actually pronounced 'analgesic', not 'ANALgesic'. The pills go into your mouth.” — Turk

30 [She/he sees NAME holding a beer] “What are you doing? [He/she threatens to open it] “You better not open that.” [He/she opens it] “Okay, you better not drink it.” [He/she takes a sip] “All right, You better not enjoy it.” [He/she expresses enjoyment, person A bitch slaps his/her beer] “Did you just bitch slap my beer?” “Are you calling me a bitch?” “Yes. Yes, I am!” — Carla and Turk

31 “Is there another guy on this planet who is that sensitive?” “Okay, let it out. I've got you. NAME has got you. Hold me tighter, a little too tight...There is a good spot.” — Turk and JD

32 person a “This plan is fool proof.” Person c “That is impossible. You two are involved.” Person c “We will see about that!” [Person a and c crash into each other as they try to walk away] — JD, Perry Cox and Turk

33 person a “I don't think we have anymore wine. NAME, can I have some of yours?” [Person C’s narration: I felt like NAME was starting to blame me for all of this.] [person b Spills his/ her wine in person c’s face) “I spilled mine too, honey. You know what you should do? Ask for some NAME’s.” [Person C Spills his/her wine on his/her crotch] “I spilled mine too.” — Carla, Turk and JD

34 “Wait NAME! I have an idea.” “You have another idea? Well I've got to tell you, I'm done with your ideas and not just for now but forever! Okay, are we clear on that?”  “It's a good one.” “I'm listening.” — JD and Turk

35 “He/she is not allowed to dream about me. It gets too freaky in there.” “Cirque de Soleil freaky. One time, he/she was skinless.” — Carla and Turk

36 “How often do you make love?” “Twice today.” “Actually it was three times. You were asleep for the last one.” “Wow, that really happened? I thought it was weird that you were in one of my sex dreams.” — Marston, Turk and Carla

37 “How was your first stress-free day?” “Horrible. And you?” “Worse. Let's make a baby. If it doesn't work this time I'll kill myself.” “Not helping with the stress.” — Carla and Turk

38 “Dude, there you are. Two things; First, the aliens are here and they're wearing track suits.” “Oh, that's Nana.” — Turk and JD

39 “Are you nude right now?” “Yeah! How'd you know?” “Your voice is always higher when you're nude.” “That's true.” “It's not weird you know that at all.” —JD, Turk and Perry Cox

40 “You know, I actually like NAME. So, don't do that thing you always do.” “If you're referring to the game "Find the Saltine", relax. I don't even play that with NAME anymore.” [Later] “Behind your ear.” [Withdrawing Saltine from behind his ear] “My friend, you have found the Saltine. Uh, but, don't tell NAME we're still playing.”— Elliot Reid, JD and Turk

41 “Dude, he/she keeps a hug schedule with his/her friends!” “Okay, NAME ... looks like someone's getting crossed off their 2 o' clock spot and getting penciled in for never! How does that feel? Does it sting?” Person B Narration: He's hurting! Hug him/her ... hug him/her now! — Turk and JD

42 “Dude, don't sweat it - It says here that the ostrich is generally a docile creature.” “Thank God!” “It also says their kick can kill a man!” — Turk and JD

43 “Just don't repeat the same mistakes you made with me. For instance, don't speed down the road pretending your brakes are out. I don't care if it got you laid once in high school. It is not funny and I still have not forgiven you for killing that pony.” — Elliot Reid

44 “NAME, I don't photograph well. On my driver's license, I look like Gary Busey.” — Elliot Reid

45 “We have a very complicated past.” “Yeah, I hurt him/her, and I'm not proud.” Person B narration: I'm a little proud. — Elliot and JD

46 “NAME and I keep it superficial.” “Love the superficial. Dynamite teeth today!” “Oh thanks buddy!” “Sparkly.” “Yeah!” — Elliot and JD

47 “Will you tell me what NAME’s fantasy was?” “Nope.” “Did it involve chains?” “No.” “Whips?” “Mm-mm.” “Candle wax?” “No.” “Role-playing?” “No.” “Lasers?” “Mm-mm.” “Hamsters?” “Negative.” “Was he/she a Mexican apple thief?” “If only ...” — JD and Elliot

48 “Why don't you just move into my place?” “Oh, great, then we'll be two losers under one roof.” — Elliot and JD

49 “NAME, what you said before ... I knew you were right. Anyway, I'm sorry I got mad. You were wrong about one thing, though - we are moving forward.” “NAME, I'm thirty years old; I'm single, I'm homeless, and I'm pretty sure I just soiled myself.”

— Elliot and JD

50 Person A “Ohhh, my God, you're right.” Person B “Don't let him/her be your puppet-master.” Person C “Hey!” Person B “Hey.” Person C “What's up?” Person B “I have a headache.” Person C “Take some aspirin.” Person B “Don't tell me what to do! You're not the boss of me!” — Carla, Elliot and Jake

51 “I've never connected with a guy/girl like this before. I mean, even though it's only been two weeks, I already feel like I know NAME better than I know myself.” “What does he/she do for a living?” “I should know that.” — Elliot and Carla

52 “Look, the reason I've been acting so weird and having my friends hang around us all the time is because I really think that we have a shot for something great, and I don't wanna go and ruin it by sleeping with you too fast. I mean, what was I supposed to do?” “Well, you...you could have just told me that.” “Yes, but you're forgetting I'm a crazy person!” — Elliot and Jake

53 “I've seen the Wiggles live in concert ... twice.” “Did they perform 'Big Red Car'?” “They opened and closed the show with it. It was awesome.” — Perry Cox and Turk

54 “What's wrong with me?” “You're an annoying, whining man-child.” “That question wasn't directed to you!” “What question?” — JD and Perry Cox

55 “I’m notifying all my old boyfriends/girlfriends today that I'm officially off the market.” “I'm sure the 'pulse' setting on your shower head will be devastated!” — Elliot Reid and Perry Cox

56 “If there is one thing I have learned, it's that you can't schedule love.” “I think your credit card statement would beg to differ.” — Bob Kelso and Perry Cox

57 “Ladies and gentlemen, allow me to present, Man/Woman Not Caring.” [points to self] — Perry Cox

58 “If you're worried about people seeing your ass, do what all the other girls do and tie a sweater around your waist.” — Perry Cox

59 “Should I talk slower or get a nurse that speaks fluent moron?” — Perry Cox

60 “Do you actually listen to yourself when you speak, or do you find you drift in and out?” — Perry Cox

61 [thinking] Why don't I ever listen to me? — JD

62 “And you know what else? I quit!” “No you don't!” “Well I'm leaving early today!” “No, you're not! You're coming back to my office to do busy work!” “Fine, but I'm getting a soda first!” “Whatever.” — Ted Buckland and Bob Kelso

63 “Your dog is creepy.” “Aww...be nice to Rowdy. The guy we bought him from used to keep him in a box full of old hats.” — Elliot and JD

64 “I thought we cared about each other ...” “Oh please, if you didn't want to sleep with me, you'd have done the same thing.” “Well, I'll tell you one thing, the last thing in the world I wanna do is sleep wit'cha now!” “Do me right here.” “Okay.” “See!” — JD and Elliot

65 “Huh! I put all those fliers up, and nobody wants me to live with them!” “Oh, come on, NAME. I'm sure you'll eventually find a roommate who's a... clean, non-smoking vegetarian that rinses the shower thoroughly after each usage.” “Oh, well, if you don't, it gets mildewy.” “You know, you should move in with my friend: Anal McLooney.” — Elliot and JD

66 “You know, I've been thinking a lot about us lately.” “Me too.” “God, you drive me crazy.” “Oh, you drive me crazy!” “Sometimes I just lay awake at night, thinking about how unbelievably lucky I am to have you in my life.” “Sometimes you're so controlling it makes me want to strangle you..” — Paul and Elliot

67 “Tonight, I am going to make all of your fantasies come true.” “You know, NAME, I would be happy just to have sex above the covers once.” “Yeah ... never gonna happen.” — Elliot and Paul

68 “You know, it's funny... when I said "I love you," it was an accident - and I never really loved you at all.” “That is an absolute riot.” — Elliot and Paul

69 “Okay, here's what you do: First you say that, even though our relationship is ending, you don't have any regrets.” “Oh, my God! Are you actually telling me how to break up with you?” “You're right. Go ahead.” “If you could just start me off, that'd be super.” — Paul and Elliot

70 Person A “You never explained that U2 thing, did you!” Person B “You know, I've been thinking about it, and maybe it's not such a bad thing that that happened! Right? I mean, things have been going really well between us, and maybe it was fate! I could've been looking at my Bel Biv Devoe CD and said, "I love Bel Biv Devoe" - which I do, by the way. And I'm not ashamed of it.” Person A and B “That girl is poison..." Person A “NAME, look, I just think that if you guys are meant to get to this point, it'll happen... naturally.” Person B “You're right! "I love U2!" Dammit! Why do I always have to say every little thing that comes into my head!? Ugh, I really wish you wouldn't stand so close to me after you take your hummus break. See! I didn't need to say that! I'm gonna tell him.” Person C “Love you!” Person B “Love you more!” Person A “Ugh!” Person B “You know what - brush your teeth, then judge me!” — Carla, Elliot and Paul

[spiderman-homecomeme]

Day One - Hidden Connections

AN: You guys!!! Spideychelle week is finally here!! Ahhhh I’m so excited to see what everyone else as written and to share my stuff! Here is my contribution to day one! It’s a little short and quick, and there’s a fair amount of non-romantic stuff in it, but I just thought this idea was really funny and had to write it down! A huge thank you to @spideychelleweek for putting this together! 

Prompt: Secret Relationship AU/College AU

Pls enjoy some 2.4k of humor, fluff, and a dash of angst.

.

.

“To whom it may concern,”

“Dear Sir or Madam,”

“Dear Mr. Bugle,”

“Hello,

I hope your day is going well.

My name is Peter Parker, and I happened to film the altercation between the criminal known as Rhino and the heroes Luke Cage and Spider-Man on the intersection of 42nd Street and 11th Avenue. I have some screencaps of it attached, if you are interested in the video for a blog post, let me know. I am willing to sell said footage for a discounted quick-sale price.

Sincerely,

Yours Truly,

Love,

Thanks,

Peter Parker

--

Releasing a puff of air through his lips, Peter hits send.

The clickable ad he’d seen while scrolling through Facebook said: SEND VIDEOS OF SPIDER-MAN. $1 PER SECOND*. It was only after he’d clicked did he notice the fine print: Spider-Man must be within the frame for the whole second, otherwise the dollar is void.

But that doesn’t matter. Peter has a full five minutes that Dronie had so graciously recorded for him of Luke Cage and him kicking Rhino’s ass.

And he really needs the money.

MJ’s birthday is four days away, a day which also coincides with his rent being due, so in other words: he’s essentially broke. While he does have money in his bank account, he only has enough for one of those things, not both, and he can’t really afford to be evicted at this point. He knows MJ won’t leave him if he doesn’t get her anything…

But she at least deserves something nice.

This video should net him roughly $300; he can take her out to a nice dinner, maybe buy her something actually decent for a change. Not another scarf.

And who knows? She might not even want to go out to a fancy restaurant, seeing as she’s turned down every offer he’s given to take her out in the six months they’ve been dating. Every date night, it’s either been take-out, a quick slice, or some kind of fast food. Not that he’s complaining about hanging out with his girlfriend; every minute spent with her was more than enough. And he’d be a liar if he said it wasn’t a little easier on the wallet.

But there was still that seed of doubt. Why did she never want to leave Queens? Why was it always such a rush to get back home? Why hadn’t she introduced him to her parents? The intrusive, relentless thought that her being embarrassed of him might have been a factor whispered darkly in the back of his mind. He knows he can be immature at times, both with his sense of humor and overall behavior, so, albeit shamefully, he could understand where she was coming from.

Maybe a nice present accompanied by a fancy dinner could help to prove that he can act like a grown-up.

Maybe.

--

The next morning, while happily munching on a bowl of Hulk O’s, he’s genuinely surprised to see a reply in his notification bar from none other than J. Jonah Jameson himself.

“I want to see that video. Will talk about your payment after I have it analyzed by my team.

Your appointment is today at 9am. Don't be late.

J.J. Jameson

Editor for the Daily Bugle Heralding Your Daily News │Tel [212] 555-7109│Fax [877] 555-0971

Sent from my iPhone.”

Peter only allows himself a moment to be put off by the the informality of Jameson’s response, brows crinkled as he turns to check the time.

8:30 AM.

He drops his spoon into the bowl, milk and soggy cereal splashing.

Well, shit.

He stuffs whatever clothes he can find into a backpack before roughly yanking his suit on; he flings himself out of his fifth story window, cereal bowl abandoned on the kitchen counter. Phone in hand, following along on Google Maps, he wonders how super heroes were able to find their way around big cities before GPS.

The next thirty minutes fly by in a blur, and Peter honestly doesn’t know how he’s able to put enough brain cells together to find a place to change into his civilian “interview” clothes. It’s a wonder he made it there in one piece.

The lobby doesn’t have any kind of directory, or any indication of where J. Jonah Jameson is supposed to be. In fact, Peter isn’t even sure where he’s supposed to meet the guy, unable to recall if there’d been anything like that in the email.

He gingerly approaches the front desk, ducking his head down slightly as he offers a smile to the receptionist. “Uhm, hello! I’m here to see Mr. Jameson?”

The woman gives him the the quick once over, visibly unimpressed. “You got a delivery, kid?”

“Uh, n-no.” Peter shifts awkwardly, smile fading. “He, uh, he sent me an email. To meet him at nine? Today? Right… Right now?”

“Hold on,” she says, her voice monotone, turning to the phone on the desk and dialing a four digit number with freshly manicured nails.

Peter starts to say, “Thanks,” but is cut off by the woman holding a finger up.

“Hey Ted, I’ve got a kid down here. Says he’s supposed to meet with Jameson. Do you know anything about it?”

She listens for a moment, nodding. “Okay, thanks.”

Click.

“Okay, kid, go over to that elevator. 17th floor. Someone will meet you.”

Peter smiles again, throwing a quick, but polite, “Thank you,” over his shoulder as he moves.

He’s met by who he assumes to be Ted, a slight middle-aged man with tired eyes. “Peter Parker?” He asks.

Peter nods.

“Alright, follow me.”

Peter isn’t taken directly to the office at first, only being seated in the waiting area just outside.

For thirty minutes.

9 AM, he said. Don’t be late, he said.

The door to the office is ajar, the sound of Jameson yelling at and berating some poor unfortunate soul over the phone almost as loud as the clacking of Ted’s typing on his keyboard.

“I don’t care what that weasel said, I want it done right this time! And if you had done what I’d told you to, we wouldn’t be having this conversation!” There’s a pause as Jameson presumably listens to the person on the other line begging for mercy. “Fine. Go with the lilac. It’ll clash with your comforter, you’ll see. Don’t come crying to me when you have to buy a whole new bed set.”

Another beat of just Ted’s typing passes.

“Okay. Love you, Mom. Buh-bye.” Jameson hangs up, before yelling out the door. “HOFFMAN!”

“Yes, sir?” Ted answers quickly.

“MY 9:00 IS LATE. IT’S 9:30!”

“No, sir, he’s here sir. He’s been here since 9.”

“WHY DIDN’T YOU TELL ME? I COULD’VE HAVE ENDED THIS CONVERSATION SOONER. MAKE A NOTE OF THAT, HOFFMAN.”

“Yes, sir. Will do, sir.”

“NEXT TIME, INTERRUPT MY PHONE CALL. STICK YOUR HEAD IN HERE. GIVE ME A SIGNAL.” He sighs. “Okay. Send him in.”

Ted looks over. “You can go on in. Good luck.”

Peter falters for a moment, wondering if he’s really willing to go through with this.

No. He is. MJ was more than worth it.

He says a quick, “Thank you,” before walking in to the lion’s den.

Jameson sits at his desk, looking up briefly, chewing on an unlit cigar. “Well, quit your dawdling, get in here.”

Peter picks up the pace.

The man glares at him for an uncomfortable few moments, sizing him up, before extending his hand. “You got the video?” He asks, skipping introductions entirely.

“Uh, yeah. Yeah.” Peter swallows, handing him the drive.

Jameson hums. “I was expecting someone… More… professional.”

It’s then that Peter realizes he’d left his apartment without even combing his hair or brushing his teeth. He hadn’t even bothered put on deodorant or to change out of his The Mighty Thorgi t-shirt. He’s wearing a pair of the day before yesterday’s and yesterday’s jeans, and to make matters worse, he’s wearing two different shoes; one grey converse and one blue.

“You homeless or something? Because there’s a soup kitchen around here.” Jameson spends the next few moments trying to plug in the USB to his computer, flipping it over and over. “Damn thing. HOFFMAN!”

Ted practically sprints in. “Yes, sir?”

Peter tries to speak. “I can do it if you—”

“—Don’t patronize me, kid,” Jameson snaps. “Hoffman. Plug this in.”

Peter watches in silence as Jameson’s expression never changes as the video plays out on his computer. Peter knows what’s on the video, he knows it by heart, in fact. He fought in it. When the video ends, Jameson leans back, his blank expression now seems thoughtful.

“I’m gonna give it to you straight kid,” He says. “It’s a good video. Now I can send this down to my lab nerds. They can calculate the exact amount of time that Spider-Man’s in a full frame. I’m guessing it’s gonna be around $120 to $150. But, that’s if we give you credit, of course. If you wanna sign the rights of this video over to us, we’re looking at, say, $350 upfront. You won’t be credited, though.”

To Peter, that actually sounds pretty good; he gets a good amount of money, more than he thought, and his name won’t be tied to his alter-ego. It’s a win-win. “Oh, yeah! That sounds great!”

Jameson’s smile is shark-like. “Great. HOFFMAN! GET ME CONTRACT A27!”

“Do you mean A63, sir?” Ted asks from the door, contract already in hand, placing it on the desk.

“Yes, yes of course. A63.” Jameson shakes his head. “Can’t get decent help around here,” he mutters.

Peter signs where Ted indicates. Jameson signs the last page and hands back the contract.

“I’ll be back with your copy,” Hoffman says as he exits the room.

Jameson then opens his drawer, retrieving a thick check book and grabbing a pen. “Parker Peterson, right?”

“No, no. Just… Peter… Parker.”

As Jameson writes the check, Peter takes the time to take in the office around him, his eyes drawn immediately to the portrait on the desk. His stomach drops as he realizes who it is.

No doubt about it.

That’s a picture of his girlfriend.

Why is there a picture of MJ… on Jameson’s desk?

“Pretty, isn’t she?”

Jameson’s voice startles Peter, and he looks over, the older man glaring right into him. “Huh?” Peter asks.

“She’s pretty, right? It’s okay. You can say she’s pretty. Beautiful even.”

Peter nods, voice soft. “Yeah. Really beautiful.” And he means it, more than anything, nervous as he is; MJ is the most beautiful person he’s ever known.

With the flick of his wrist, Jameson deliberately flips the portrait away from Peter.

In the amount of time Peter’s been in the office, Jameson has had two volumes: Loud and VERY LOUD. There seems to be a third setting, however. In a hushed, threatening tone, Jameson seethes. “Listen here, kid. I don’t need no smelly, grubby, unemployed jackass drooling all over my daughter.”

Wait, what?!

Fuck.

“I don’t know what thoughts were going through your sick little mind, but that’s my little girl, and I will be damned if she fuels your pervy little spank bank! Do I make myself clear?”

Oh, if only he knew...

Even though Peter could easily take down the older man, he still finds himself shrinking back slightly.

He nods profusely. “Yes, sir, of course sir.”

“Good.” Jameson roughly shoves the check at Peter. “Now get the hell out of my office.”

Peter doesn’t need to be told twice as he dashes through the door, nearly running past Hoffman who expertly passes him the contract copy.

“Have a nice day!” Hoffman calls as Peter disappears down the hallway.

--

Omw, the text read from MJ.

Luckily, Peter had already planned for arrival; the apartment’s clean, the floors vacuumed, Febreez has been sprayed. Conditions were perfect. All he needed to do now was sit and wait, mindlessly tapping his fingers against his thigh, the events from earlier replaying in his head on some kind of torturous loop.

The sound of the key turning the lock fifteen minutes later had his pulse quickening. She was here. “I brought Chinese!” She called as she set the bags down on the dining room table.

Peter cuts right to the chase, barely lasting a second. “So. I met your dad today.”

MJ nearly drops the lo mein, her eyes blown wide. “Oh my God.”

Peter shrugs.

“I am so. So. Sorry.”

He tilts his head a fraction, brows wrinkling in confusion. “Why?”

“I don’t know how he find out,” She says, almost to herself. “I tried to keep this— us— hidden from him. He chases away any guy who comes close to me; friend, colleague… One time a teacher said I was a remarkable student and he— It doesn’t matter. I’ve tried explaining this hetero-normative, misogynistic bullshit to him, but it just goes right over his head. He’s always had this… toxic paternity complex. Like, I know that he loves me, I guess, but that’s no excuse.” She folds her arms across her chest, glancing away, her eyes welling in frustration. “And I just didn’t want him to scare you away.”

Peter puts his hands on her arms. “Woahwoahwoahwoah. Hey. It’s okay.” She looks up at him. “He doesn’t know about us. I just went to the Bugle today to sell a video of Spider-Man… and I saw your picture on his desk.”

Relief washes over her, and she puts a hand on her chest. “Oh, thank God.”

“Nothing to worry about.” Peter grins, before growing confused again, expression crinkling. “I thought your last name was Jones?”

“It is.”

“Then…?”

“So’s my Mom’s,” she elaborates. “They just never got married. Or stayed together, really.”

“Ah, gotcha,” Peter nods.

A comfortable silence fills the room, the food on the table surely getting colder by the minute. But MJ finds that her curiosity is growing too strong. She has to know.

“What did he say?”

Peter snorts, face scrunching as he scratches the back of his neck. “A lot. He totally freaked out when I said you were pretty.”

“He yelled at you for saying I was pretty?”

“Well… It wasn’t really yelling. Just angry whispering. And...” Peter turns bashful. “I said you were beautiful.”

A small smile cracks MJ’s expression, and she looks back down at their now intertwined hands. “Gross.”

“I know.” He cups her cheek, thumb caressing the soft skin there as he stares deeply into her eyes. He leans in, placing a loving, lingering kiss against her lips. As he pulls away, they both sigh. “Just so you know…” He starts, voice barely above a whisper.

Her eyes gaze adoringly into his; she’s not even trying to hide how mushy she feels at this moment.

“You’re always the star of my spank bank.”

“Wait, What?”

[allmight-amiright]

Not Quite Robin Hood. Shinsou Hitoshi

Request: Could you write a Pro AU where the reader is not really a villain, more like an anti-hero. (I don't really know who this would work best with maybe Shoto or Shinsou) and the reader gets caught doing something illegal (like using their quirk in public without a license) but to save/help someone. (Because in my head heroes are stopping villains but who is helping the poor/homeless) "The only thing I'm guilty of is helping the people heroes forgot."

Word Count: 1.16K

Warnings: Swearing.

Notes:  Shinsou Hitoshi deserves the world.  Thanks for coming to my TED talk.

“Here, give me your hands.  I’ll warm you up, Martin,” someone says.

Shinsou turns his head down the alley towards the soft voice.  He turns just in time to see you take the homeless man’s hands in your own.  You just hold onto him for a few moments before your hands begin to emit a soft red glow which passes towards the man.  You pull away, your own hands glowing blue, but then the glow slowly fades as you put your hands back into your gloves.  

“Thank you, Y/N.  You really are a gift,” he says, smiling at you as he revels in the new warmth.  

“Of course, Martin.  I couldn’t just let you freeze.  This winter has been pretty insane and if I have the ability to help, I’m going to.”

“Lord knows that no one else will,” he chuckles.  

“Exactly,” you say, setting down what looks like a lunch box.  “I brought you some beef stroganoff.  I hope it’s okay.  It’s a new recipe.”  You hand him a little container and a plastic fork.

“I’m sure it’s incredible, Y/N.  Your cooking is always delicious.”  He opens the lid, inhaling the savory aroma of his dinner.  

“Is it warm enough?  I can warm it up a little more if I need to,” you offer, holding your hands back out.  

“You know, since you offer, that would be wonderful.”

You take the container back and hold it in your hands, letting them glow red as the heat transfers from your body to the contents inside the plastic piece of tupperware.  “There you go.”

“Thank you.  I feel guilty. I’m making you cold, aren’t I?”

“I’m okay, Martin.  Don’t worry too much about me,” you say, flashing a warm smile at the man.  “Do you know if Roni is still down at the supermarket?”

“I think she’s still there, yeah.”

“Okay, well, I’m going to go pay her a visit and take her some dinner too.”  You stand up, dusting snow from your pant legs.  

“Thank you for taking care of us, Y/N.  You don’t know how much all of this means to me and the others in my situation.”

“I’m only doing the right thing.  But, thank you.” You pick your lunch box back up, pulling your coat taught around your body.  You give him a final wave as you walk back out to the main road, right into Shinsou who had just witnessed the whole thing.  “Excuse me, sir,” you say, trying to get around him.

“Stop.”

Your feet stop moving.

“Come back.”

You mindlessly walk back to stand in front of him.  Shinsou releases his control over you.  “Listen, I don’t want any trouble.  I just need to go to the supermarket,” you say, once again trying to move away, but he grabs you by the shoulder this time.  

“Can I see your license first?”

You look away, biting your lip, and shuffling your feet.  “I- uh- kinda don’t have one.”

“Are you aware that you are committing an illegal action by using your quirk in public without a license?”

“Oh, come on! I wasn’t hurting anyone!”

“That doesn’t mean anything.  If I let you get away with it, I have to let everyone get away with it.  There are laws for a reason.  Follow me,” he commands, starting to walk away with you dazily following behind him.  

“Hey, mister!” A voice shouts.

Shinsou turns, his concentration faltering enough for you to shake yourself out of his control.  The man that you had  called Martin is trudging over.  

“Who do you think you are, huh?  Y/N, right there, didn’t do nothing wrong!  You hear?  Nothing wrong with what they’re doing.”

“Besides using a quirk without a proper license.”

“Y/N’s helping people!  Something that you heroes might want to try every now and again.  Man, I hate all of you pros.  A person tries to do something nice for people who need it and they get in trouble.  Get that stick out of your ass.  There would be no reason for Y/N to use that there quirk if you pros would care about the ones of us who need it rather than yourselves and your reputation.”

“Martin, it’s okay.  I broke the law.  He’s just doing his job,” you say, looking down in defeat.

“No, it’s not okay! You’ve done more for me than anyone else in this damn city!  These pros need to take a lesson from you before they ever call themselves heroes again.  I’m not going to see you get locked up because this jackass-”

“Leave,” Shinsou says simply.  Martin turns his back on the conversation and walks back his spot.

“Listen, if you’re going to turn me in, can I least go make the rest of my rounds?  I only have two more.”

Shinsou scratches the back of his neck, weighing the option.  “I don’t know. . .”

“Please.  It’s supposed to get really cold tonight, and I can’t just let them freeze to death.”

“Fine.”

“Thank you.”

The two of you walked in an uncomfortable silence.  But, he walked with you to each of your deliveries and watched as you warmed up their bodies and offered them a hot meal, both of which were received with grateful hands.  Before leaving, each one told you thank you multiple times, telling you that they would see you another day.  After the final delivery, you walked back to Shinsou.  “Okay.  I’m ready,” you sigh.

He nods and starts to walk away with you following not too far behind.  “Can I ask you something?” He asks after a while.

“What?”

“Why aren’t you a hero?”

“My parents couldn’t afford the tuition for hero school.  Besides, my quirk isn’t powerful enough to take down villains.  It was just a lost cause all around, honestly.  But, I like what I do.  I don’t have to be a pro to change lives,” you offer.  “Sure, what I’m doing is illegal, but I’m helping the people that you and the other pros don’t care about.  And if being a good person is illegal, I’ll gladly go to prison.”

“Interesting,” he says, holding the door to the police station open for you.

“Good afternoon, Shinsou! What can we do for you?”

He gives you a soft smile.  “A hero license application.”

[carndriverrecords]

First Blog Post 3/20/20

Started CnD Records today. Feels Good.

Working on some diss tracks. Not sure if they see it coming - doesn’t matter either way.

Planning to release Car and Driver first real record this Friday 3/20/20. Driving Test Driver Fest 1. 

Self release first record - another 20 tracks next week. Compile top 10 - 15 for first release with other label - thinking Terrible, Kranky, blu ish label or Thrill Jockey. Citrus City a no-go for now. Maybe just keep building CnD records.

Be the middle man - take advantage of opportunities without sacrificing my bands’ (and those I represent) integrity.

Reach sleep destroyer.

Last night at Ted’s - great DJ set. Kidz bop remixes, Fancy. Crowd hated it. Ted disappointed we had to leave but it’s ok with everyone. Tall guy took aux right out of computer, have video. Started dancing - cucked everyone. Everyone thinks they’re the crazy charismatic guy. Am I actually? I think so. Syd thinks so. 

CnD Fest 2 , 3 , 4 at Purchase and beyond. Would like to play apartments, Scully’s den in BK (reach out) and Philly, DC etc.

Next voice memo album - 20 - 25 tracks right now. Better than the first. Danny said best album ever.

Working on “My oh Maia Reason Why” video - my favorite video I’ve ever seen. Getting good feedback.

Important to collab with certain SUNY people before I go:

Members of Lip Critic, Dawson, Neal, Gabe.

Send stuff back and forth with Joseph Kress. 

Need to write song about not sharing a stage w unstable Car and Driver - cost me 2 gigs. Ok because I had the police interaction that night. 

Things have been working out quite well. Syd is keeping me in check. Main priorities are keep the energy going while I can and make sure everyone around me is comfortable with me doing my thing, specifically mom, sofia.

Going to Only Angels tomorrow to collab with Alex.

Tues/Wed in RI with Zach Gorton. Need to see Nick Holcomb, Sofia, Will Orchard if he’s around. Riley in Boston? Would love to. 

Visit Dad soon on the way to Richmond, in a few weeks perhaps. Grandma Roberta etc. They have a BBQ place now - I bet it’s great. 

Follow up in the morning (3 hours from now) with wedding band, Kevin Daniels, drummer etc.

Film sunrise sessions at Purchase: My Ride’s Here, Splendid Isolation, Keep me in your heart, Studebaker, Cat’s in the Cradle, Everybody that you know. Don’t think twice, Boots of Spanish Leather, Someday my Prince, Teenage Dirtbag, Arthur (Woof Woof), Forget You, Signed Sealed Delivered, Superstition, The Promise, Hold me now (TT), Love on Top, Townes Van Zandt, 1-800 superstar, Evan Wright, Tom Petty, Blinded By the Light, Searching for a Heart, Mag Field’s, Barenaked Ladies, TMBG, Dolly Parton one sided love, Byrds, Beatles, Kinks, Stones, Parquet Courts, T Swift (Red, Way I loved you), Mitski, Sasami, Anything Could Happen, Beach House, He Needs Me, These Days, YLT, Beach Boys, Big Star Take Care, G500/Luna, Felt, Psychic TV, Shelia, BJM, Yellow Sarong, Over and Over, Hazel St, Heatherwood, Helicopter, He Would’ve Laughted, I wanna be your lover, The pump, Good enough (sleep destroyer), Them airs, BH (14, indian summer), help me scrape mucus off my brain), Beach Comber, DO YOUR THING, Icehead, Bobby, 1000 times, WIll Orchard, Bon Iver, MGMT, Tame impala, Instant Crush, etc. Art Vandelay, Quick Canal, Stereolab, Grouper, Broadcast, Animal Collective, Panda Bear, Bachelor Kisses, Cranberries, Cure, Pastels, MBV, I found a reason, pale blue eyes, Deerhoof, Gretel Alex G, Dancing w tears in my eyes, Elvis Costello, No age(things i did), Are ya ok, Maus, Ariel, R Stevie, Aphex Twin, Zomes, Vampire Weekend etc.

Bring Laptop for Beats on some and lyrics for all. 

Love life more than ever before. Music feels so good. Want to help, make amends, everything that moondog did. Don’t be homeless much longer.

Not sure if I like throbbing gristle - definitely like Psychic TV.

How savage should diss tracks be? Very? Match the severity of the person’s treatment of me/others. Aka - pretty bad for all except for Auto.

Listened to new Kanye today - 10x better and more influential than death grips. 

Realized today that i’ve spent my whole life wishing I was Kanye and now I am Kanye. Feels very good.

Everyone is gifted but internet makes us angst. 

I am mostly Camus right now - maybe more Kierkegaard soon. Religion and Terrence Malik. Still need to read books.

Order of Books: The graduate Portrait of the artist Consider Lobster Infinite Jest Pynchon Ulysses (At recommendation of American gamer association)

Syd is incredibly gifted. Want to help her feel comfortable doing art/work here in the chaos but also sort out the chaos for both of ours’ sake. I thrive in it, she tolerates well. Want to move to Riverdale still, maybe East Williamsburg with Backpack Chris. We’ll see about money. Philly perhaps, little too far. Jersey is good location but bad commute. Bad to RI. 

Visit RI and Boston Tues - Thurs. Sell Cigarettes at Concerts. Feels right.

Keep smoking for now - quit end of summer perhaps. 

Don’t have Corona Virus - glad we are not quarantined. Still be smart. Don’t expose mom regardless. Protect at ALL costs. 

Really though, why does Journee hate me? Write new track (Journee into forever nevermore not now not ever (Lou)) or Journee into SJW self righteous moral posturing (way too savage - maybe voice memo outro)

AR Kane album is incredible. Syd loves too. Sample everything.

Crazy - sound better at jazz than ever in my life. Exploring harmony - never practice. Teach free lessons all the time. Love the diminished scale. Might be best jazz guitarist to ever live. Time will tell. Would be cool long term. Prefer singing. 

Getting good at piano too.

I’m my favorite lyricist/comedian/actor.

Is maia right, acting isn’t hard? Weird they can’t act.

^Remember to delete^

Don’t share this on Facebook yet.

Why does Journee hate me so much? Just the Louis CK joke?

People who stay home and do nothing hate to see irreverent people doing things.

People like when you’re losing - don’t like to see you win.

^That makes me sound crazy.

F00D outsider might make me famous first.

Need to keep up with legal situation.

Hope mom and dad both live long. Call Syd, get something nice for everyone in family. Get weird jewel cases. Order jewelry from etsy. Post merch on bandcamp.

Finish album art soon. Music videos. Get better at animation etc. Pay Ben for his poster. Actually really good. Maybe album art? Duo album! Record in Wisconsin, release under his name. WIll success be good for Ben? I think so. Still can’t believe Liv told him I wasn’t ok. Wow - good content for lyrics. You truly cannot write this.

How will people react to diss tracks? Extremely negatively. Or no reaction. We shall see. Maybe no real names in the titles...... only on Oh my. 4 names in titles is too many. Don’t release Auto track. Maybe on Voice Memos. 

Track List: Good God Bed Head Rosa Reprise Oh My House Pop 1 skydive Pop 2 APhex GVO Pay 4 Take some Cherish Stars in F Are ya ok too bright Honeys Get to work Everybody That You Know Frost Bit BPC NYC New Age Heimet Helmet Deadbeat dads watermill for slitting bars romantic song david byrne Cinema study in cinema Brain ego Cherry doc marten Can’t liv w/o Venmo groceries Oh you like? Dancin DJ blues We are the State Farm robots Danny dorito is a dirty devito My funny valentine Zoomer blues The thing abt genres Blss Like minds ft dawson Lil toucha jazz Introducing car and driver The holy moment empire Ethics 101 - gma in the street Otto is sad I don’t know what it means! Operatic mellismatic Car and driver fest will be a success! Car and driver fest was a bust again! Cipha’s comedy corner Ryder Be gone evil atonal spirits!

Unreleased mental breakdown compilation ep:

I like all music! I’m a stupid pos Electric micro bike Get off your phone! John frusc Nice song Lap steel for 2 My masseuse advice Bed head wash sq Punchie John Maus yoyo interview Diminished  kinda thing

Build the NYC scene, w Blu ish, Evan, 1 800, sweet joseph, Comics Club, Dawson, Sloppy Jane, Wheatus,

See Jack Fortin in NYC soon. Either my event or his. 

Things are still good. Syd will be a great filmmaker. WIll maybe will end up with a dancer or a filmmaker - Probably not a musician. WIll have many loves. 

Things are good right now - hope they stay that way. 

Feel like Ezra Keonig - hopefully someone reads this one day and agrees. Different time in history and the internet - hope this is less cringe than Ezra’s blog , probably not. Ezra, if you’re reading this, sorry. See ya at Bernie’s rally. 

[yespoetry]

Alex Z. Salinas: The Savage Screwball

The Savage Screwball

I was at Starbucks sipping coffee, reading Roberto Bolaño’s The Savage Detectives, when a feeling hit me: Everything was perfect.

The sensation was so striking I put the book down.

I looked outside: the sun was smiling, birds chirped, traffic advanced smoothly. The world was a mid-century postcard.

Emboldened, feeling especially good after my morning workout, I texted Vanessa if she could come over tomorrow night. I said I could cook lasagna and buy a bottle of red wine, her favorite.

“Here ya go,” said Madeline, the tall, beautiful barista with bright tattoo sleeves, placing a fresh-out-of-the-oven chocolate chip muffin in front of me. The waft of baked dough was delectable.

“Thank you. They don’t pay you enough,” I flirted.

“But I get to see that smile of yours,” she flirted back.

Oh Madeline. I imagined us spending a day at the beach, me admiring her resplendent body art when I heard a bang. A man had pushed open the door into Starbucks. He had dark skin, army fatigue pants, crazed homeless eyes. He stunk. He looked to be my dad’s age. He peered left, right, straight ahead, then spotted me. He marched right up to me.

“Hey, let me bum a few bucks, dude,” he said. He smelled like a dead animal. His face was like expired beef jerky.

I patted my pocketless basketball shorts—my wallet was on the table—and said:

“Sorry, sir. Don’t carry cash.”

The man’s face twisted in ugly directions—was plain ugly.

“Little prick,” he mumbled, then marched right out of Starbucks.

Despite the insult, what struck me most was that he was clean-shaven. Some things don’t add up only after you think about them.

I felt someone’s eyes pierce the back of my head, so I turned around and caught an old black woman shaking her permed head at me.

“Yes?” I said.

She swiftly lifted up her Vanity Fair magazine to cover her face, effectively blocking me out.

I see how it is, I thought. Then my phone buzzed. Mom.

“Hey, Mom, what’s going on?”

“Hi mijo, I hope you’re having a great weekend. Real quick, I’m calling to update you on the house situation. I’ve thought a lot about it and…we’ve decided to sell it. I know, I know, that’s not what you wanted, but I think selling’s the right move right now. Lance agreed. He said the market is—”

“I don’t care what Lance thinks,” I interrupted.

“Mijo.”

“No, I’ve already told you I’m willing—more than willing to take it over. The house is all I have left…all we have left of Dad.”

Mom stayed quiet for a few seconds.

“I know, mijo,” she said softly. “I know. But me and Lance—”

I hung up on her. It wasn’t that Lance was white—he was—or that he’d become Mom’s boyfriend six months after Dad’s heart attack. It was his predilection to butt into our family affairs, give his two-and-a-half cents when we were good on the money. Lance wasn’t a bad guy, I don’t think, but that didn’t mean I didn’t think him a snake slithering on my property. White people, like snakes, have no propriety when it comes to death and property.

I pictured myself stomping on a snake’s head then sipped my black coffee. It was now lukewarm. It had lost its desired effect—to burn my tongue.

I went back to my book. I read a sentence six times over. I couldn’t comprehend it for the life of me. Bolaño wasn’t Balzac, but I might as well have been blind.

I put the book down again and closed my eyes. I focused in on the song playing in the back. “Maria Maria” by Carlos Santana. I started bobbing my head and was immediately brought back to middle school football, being on bus rides with the boys. Falling asleep, drooling.

As Santana made his guitar sing, I placed myself in Spanish Harlem, like in the song. Maria Maria—living the life like a movie star. She was getting ready for our hot date, putting on her makeup. It was always me waiting for her, Maria. She took forever, always. “Beauty takes time,” she’d always tell me.

How amazing would it be if even just for ten seconds, I wondered, if I was Santana’s guitar—no, his fingers, his magical fingers with so much talent they could make guitars sing and moan, just like women? What would it be like, I wondered, to have millions of fans across the world chant my name, beg encores every single night like I was the god of music? Like I was…Santana?

The song finished and I found myself tapping my left foot like mad. I was anxious. I needed fresh air. It was my day off, after all, so I needed to enjoy it.

The rude homeless man was sitting on the sidewalk by the Starbucks entrance. He looked up at me, studied me for two seconds, and seemed not to remember me one bit. He was whacked out.

Finally, he asked, “Got a cigarette I can bum?”

I was taken aback by the politeness in his voice. I patted the sides of my shorts where there were no pockets.

“Sorry, sir. Don’t smoke.”

“Geez, who you gotta blow around here to get a smoke? The Muffin Man?”

My muffin! I’d left it uneaten on the plate. Like my coffee, it was getting colder—was probably already cold. But then, the homeless guy. My sympathy synapses had already started firing. If I couldn’t help the man get a smoke, the least I could do was feed him. Right?

“Hold on a sec,” I said.

A few seconds later, I was back outside, objects in hand.

“Take this,” I said, handing the muffin to the man, “and eat it.”

“And take this,” I said, handing him the coffee cup, “and drink it. This is my blood.”

He accepted the muffin and coffee hesitantly. He sniffed the muffin, as if trying to detect poison. Then he threw it hard into the street. I didn’t even blink. I watched the muffin get pulverized by oncoming traffic.

The man polished off the coffee in one swig, burped loud, then set the empty cup on the ground. He reached inside his camo pants and pulled out a crumpled cigarette and a lighter.

“You had one this whole time?” I said.

“Last one. I get ‘em where I can.”

My phone buzzed. A text from Vanessa.

I can’t come over. Ted is in town the next couple weeks.

“Doomed!” the homeless man shouted. “We’re all doomed!”

He tapped cigarette ashes into the cup. The Starbucks woman imprinted on it still smiled her green smile. I’d never smoked a day in my life, but in that moment, a cigarette sounded so good. Anything did. Anything but standing there with the crazy homeless man, thinking the thoughts I was thinking.

“Hey, do me a favor and toss this into the street, willya,” I said, handing the man my iPhone.

He accepted it hesitantly then said:

“And what do I get out of it?”

I paused.

“Cigarettes and a cheeseburger,” I answered finally.

He scratched his expired beef jerky chin.

“It’s gotta be from Whataburger, though. I don’t want no McDonald’s.”

I smiled.

“Deal,” I said.  

Without wasting any time he launched my iPhone hard into the street. It flew upward as though toward heaven then took a sudden cruel dive toward traffic. I saw it get obliterated. Smashed into a hundred little pieces. Nobody stopped. Nothing changed.

“Incredible,” I said.

“That’s my screwball. Pretty good, huh?”

“Fucking amazing,” I agreed, holding back tears.

Alex Z. Salinas lives in San Antonio, Texas. His short fiction has appeared in publications such as Every Day Fiction, Mystery Tribune, Nanoism, escarp, Pecan Grove Review, 101 Words, 101 Fiction, 365tomorrows, 121 Words, Friday Flash Fiction, and ZeroFlash. He serves as poetry editor of the San Antonio Review.