#oh by the way edited versions of his videos are back up because nick should have his own portfolio

[thestarkster1465]

Haven't been following the James Somerton drama closely but it's become so ridiculous that it's funny

Is no one going to talk about the fact that he said that he thought it was okay for him to mention Vito Russo in the opening credits and then never mention him again because his book was out of print and Russo was dead....

And then in the same breath say that he was 'extending Russo's legacy' like my brother in Christ do you even hear yourself-

[nickmaghighlights]

Nick Mag Highlights - Nick Mag Presents: Danny Phantom (Fall 2005)

Well, well, well, fancy meeting you here. Welcome back to my blog and the words that inhabit it. Today, Halloween comes early this year when we read through another exciting issue of Nickelodeon Magazine Presents, this time all about Danny Phantom. Boo! Trick-or-Treat! Deck the halls!

And not only is this edition of Nick Mag Highlights spooky, it’s also… pretty chill. Y’know? Just takin’ it easy, reading a handful of comics and probably a crossword puzzle or something. As much as I love researching the kind of stuff Nickelodeon Magazine includes in its articles, sometimes it’s nice to sit back and take things at face value and just see what the state of Nickelodeon was like at any given time, and these short-and-sweet issues of Nick Mag Presents are the perfect venue for just that.

But why exactly am I tackling this purportedly Halloween-themed issue in August? Well, mainly it’s because that new Danny Phantom graphic novel just came out… two weeks ago (oops). And I really enjoyed it! So I’ve since been in a big Danny Phantom mood lately. I even ended up re-watching the whole first season and had a blast doing so. This show was a real obsession of mine as a kid, so maybe this blog post is also a way for me to give it its dues.

This issue can be found online here, read along… if you dare!

Another Nick Mag Presents, another humorously wordy introduction. If you’re unfamiliar, basically all these Presents-styled issues have a panel on the first page with a character essentially advertising the book to you and talking about all the comics and activities included inside. This one here features Danny and an understandably perturbed ghost, for example. 

Since these issues were usually sold in stores as opposed to through a mail subscription, I suppose this is the issue’s way of hooking you in and explaining to you why you should buy it. I think a kid would probably be more inclined to just flip through the book and arrive at the same conclusion, but I guess this approach doesn’t hurt anybody.

But anyway, let’s see here… aw, only two wholly new comics? The Fairly Oddparents-themed issue I took a look at previously had five original comics. That’s a bummer, but at least we’ve still got variety… SpongeBob, My Life as a Teenage Robot, and The Wild Thornberrys, oh my! Even Tak makes an appearance here, two years before the premiere of his actual Nickelodeon cartoon, meaning this was an attempt to interest readers in the then-recently released video game: Tak 3: The Great Juju Challenge. Not sure if that worked.

And if you’ll take a look at that yellow, spiky bubble with words on the right there, this September 2005 issue is meant to coincide with the then-upcoming two episode-long Danny Phantom special, “The Ultimate Enemy”, which featured Danny taking on a more powerful version of himself from the future. Seems like the included removable poster is even themed around that very episode! Let’s just hope that poster is still left intact, eh?

So first up, we’ve got a page to get you up to speed on the main cast if you’re new to the show. It’s even got some new factoids for the already familiar superfans! For example: Did you know Sam is into anime? I sure didn’t.

Oh, and if you’re wondering where series villain Vlad Masters is, don’t worry, they go over him later on in the book.

On the right you’ll find an easy if not slightly amusing word puzzle, which tasks you with solving questions where each answer contains the word boo. Simple enough for a kid while still being worth the time, methinks.

Although all the stock ghost art on the page gets me wondering, how come most of the ghosts in the show manifest as typical-looking cartoon ghosts while others manifest in a human form? I guess maybe it comes down to the strength of your spirit. Who’s to say?

You’ve met the characters, now it’s time to meet the voices behind them! I’ll always take a side of interviews with my Nickelodeon Magazine, and this is no exception. The questions are cute, and I had fun reading them. Not much to say.

So we’re finally here at the first comic of the issue, and… not really a fan of this one! Yeah, sorry to start this retrospective off on a sour note but this isn’t really doing it for me. The main villain of this one is Youngblood, who already isn’t exactly one of my favorite villains from the series. But here they’ve got him and all the other characters stuck in a pretty by-the-numbers plot where Danny and co. get stuck babysitting the brat while he tries to maim them, with them of course unable to fight back lest they face the wrath of his parents (who are humongous lizard monsters, for some reason). 

If you’re even a little familiar with cartoons you’ve probably already seen quite a few takes on this formula already. And even if you like Youngblood as a character they don’t have him doing his usual pirate shtick he’s remembered for, so I’m not sure what anyone is getting out of this, really. What's especially not helping is that this goes on for ten pages, further dragging out an already tired concept. 

So there you have it, I guess. Done-to-death story with accordingly done-to-death jokes, a lame villain, and about two pages of action. I will say though, Danny and Tucker’s babysitting poster on page 2 did get a smile out of me, at least.

You’ve met the characters, and you’ve also met the voices behind them, now it’s time to meet… the rest of the characters! The villain ones! These guys really made the show for me, cause the team behind the show really just seemed to understand the assignment and made all of them really unique and memorable.

So we can see they’ve been ranked in terms of how dangerous they all are, which is a fun idea. ‘Course you’ve got Vlad at the top of, but then there’s Technus just behind him? I can’t say I remember him being notably more dangerous than any of the other baddies, I’m fairly certain he gets swept up at the end of his specific episode just like all the rest. I’m pretty sure Valerie gave Danny a bigger run for his money, and she’s down at #3.

Woah now, I’m starting to scrutinize the power levels of cartoon characters. Cartoon characters from a show I haven’t even fully watched all the way through since I was a kid, no less. Better put a stop to that before it gets ugly.

Cool little cartoons on the left there, that one on the top right is properly devious and I’m all for it. All the art is quite lovely too.

The right is… well, it’s Mad Libs, there’s no other way around it. Y’know the Mad Libs website refers to itself as “the world’s greatest word game” but I seriously think they need to take that up with Scrabble, or hell, even Hangman. Yeah I was never a big fan of this kind of fill-in-the-blanks stuff, but I guess it’s a pretty inoffensive activity to include.

Check out Danny’s dad rocking that emo hair.

And now we’ve made it to the second and last new comic for the issue, and unfortunately it’s only a two-pager. But hey, if my thoughts on the previous ten-page comic said anything, it was that I prefer quality over quantity. And this one is… okay. It’s funny enough, does what all it needs to with the concept, and it definitely doesn’t overstay its welcome. I’m again surprised by the lack of action in both of these comics, considering Danny Phantom is an action show, after all, but it’s not like the show wasn’t a comedy either, so it’s not that weird.

I guess while we’re here I could nitpick it a bit. The lineart here courtesy of series creator Butch Hartman* is a bit wonky at times. There’s the aforementioned emo hair Danny’s dad is wearing, but my main gripe is that dog robot just doesn’t really fit in with the rest of the artstyle. It being the only new original character design for this comic as well doesn’t seem like a coincidence to me. I guess the team was fine with whatever Hartman drew because he made the show after all, so surely he knows what he’s doing, right?*

*Insert obligatory comment about how much of a loser Butch Hartman is here.

Just want to give a shoutout to this pretty creative puzzle here. It actually stumped me a little when I first read it! Those monster designs are pretty entertaining too. Solid activity overall.

Next up it’s an installment of Sam Shade, which was a short-lived recurring series in Nickelodeon Magazine. Apparently the series ran from 2002 to 2005, so this may be one of the last times a Sam Shade comic was ever printed in a Nick Magazine. 

These comics mainly consist of the titular Detective Sam Shade trying to solve some mystery, sleuthing around the area in a series of detailed, wordy scenes. Likewise, you as the reader are as well tasked with scouring the pages for clues to help deduce the culprit. Each panel here smoothly moves into the next, making for something like a Where’s Waldo puzzle but with an actual narrative. It’s a really good idea! A shame this series didn’t last longer.

Hey, is that Carl from Jimmy Neutron on the bottom right there?

Pretty nice My Life as a Teenage Robot comic here. Although that’s kind of unfortunate in a way, since that means I haven’t got much to talk about! It’s pretty much a 1-to-1 translation from animation to comic here. The artstyle and writing are both on point, it’s all just in a shorter, more paper-y format.

I wonder why the aliens’ speech bubble has flowers in it. Is that a theater reference, maybe?

The design of these fiery aliens are particularly awesome - simple but effective. I’m surprised they used such a cool design in a comic that was going to be seen by way less people as opposed to using it in the cartoon. Man, this show is so cool, even its supplementary media is stylish!

But anyway, do you want to know how this story ends? Read it yourself!

Ohh man, I distinctly remember this comic. I don’t remember what issue of Nickelodeon Magazine this one is sourced from, but whichever one it was, I had it. The story’s nothing to write home about really, It's another take on the age old tale of “Squidward yells at SpongeBob and Patrick for doing something annoying, so they inadvertently ruin his life”. Squidward must have a really good lawyer for him to be able to bounce back from all the crap SpongeBob and Pat get him into.

This version of the usual story has S. Bob and P. Rick making a cake in Squidward’s image. Mr. Krabs ends up mistaking it for the real Squidward, bringing it to the Krusty Krab, and having it run the cash register, obviously to disastrous results. It’s all pretty par for the course, and there’s some funny lines to be had.

Weirdly though, unless I’m blind, I can’t seem to find any credits for this one. Not in the comic itself or at the back of the book. I’m pretty sure the artist(s) behind this one did more SpongeBob SquarePants comics though, and I wouldn’t be surprised if the same writing team had a hand in them too. I distinctly remember one where all the characters turn into desserts. Or maybe it was an alternate universe where they’re all desserts? Something like that. Maybe I’ll find it and cover it on this blog someday!

And up next, it’s a Wild Thornberrys comic of all things (said with feigned surprise, having read the table of contents moments ago). And I’m just now realizing none of these comics have anything to do with ghosts, or horror, really. Quite the magazine you’ve got just in time for October, Nickelodeon!

But hey, it’s not right to judge a piece of art specifically by the context in which it is presented. Especially when it was originally published in a magazine that likely came out years earlier, probably not even around the month of October. Desperate times call for desperate measures and all that, even when it comes to filling the pages of a magazine.

This comic is especially cool, anyway, as you can no doubt tell from its distinct shakeup in style!

The story has Eliza receiving some gifts from her Japanese friend, Mayumi (who was probably in the show, presumably), one of those gifts being a homemade manga. And while I’m not exactly an expert on the Japanese arts, I certainly find this art convincing and really appreciate the attention to detail. I bet any kids that were fans of manga around this time must have felt pretty seen to have one of their hobbies referenced in a rather unlikely place, and with such attention to detail no less.

One thing I can also appreciate is that this story really isn’t something they could have pulled off in the show itself (unless they studio really wanted to have an anime-themed episode and go through the undertaking of doing an episode in an entirely different, foreign animation style all on their usual budget), so overall this is a really fun idea done quite flawlessly. My only gripe is we don’t get to see a manga-styled Nigel Thornberry, but what can you do?

Oh boy, the Tak comic, cool. Now, I know these games have their fans, but I can’t say I’m one of them. I did watch the show a bit though, but I’ve heard it has nothing to do with the games, so I guess that makes me rather unprepared to tackle this two-page comic on an intellectual, researched level. I will say though that I think the Sam Shade comic from earlier pulled off this style of free-flowing, no-panel storytelling to a much greater effect. The amount of Taks they threw around the page makes it feel really busy and cramped, and they had to essentially remove the second character Tak is traveling with from the story since I guess they were strapped for page space.

But yeah, the colors are nice at least, and Tak media is especially hard to come by nowadays, so I suppose if I were more into the property, I might be more into this.

Last comic of the day, and it’s Jimmy Neutron. At least this one kinda fits the theme, I mean, aliens are almost in the same horror-league as vampires, zombies, ghosts, and all that. This is a pretty quality one to end off the book with, and in regards to Jimmy Neutron, this is one of the better ways these characters have been translated to 2D. Although the incredibly warm colors and harsh shadows throw me for a loop. Pretty good overall!

Before we wrap things up, I would like to mention that advert for The Nicktoons Film Festival on the right. I totally forgot these used to be a thing! From 2004 to 2009 Nickelodeon hosted a film festival and let viewers vote for their favorite animated short, along with letting proper animation people who know what they’re talking about vote on their favorites, too. Lots of great up-and-coming cartoonists took part in these festivals. This one in 2005 actually featured a short by J. G. Quintel that eventually was used as a basis for his own Cartoon Network show, Regular Show! You can check the short out below:

Neat bit of history there, yeah?

Even though I’m still a bit disappointed this issue didn’t include more original content, I still think this ended up being a fairly entertaining walk down memory lane. And hey, I hope you had a good time too. I’m doubly disappointed, however, that the archive of this issue didn’t come with that tear-out poster! Now we’ll never see it in its full hi-def glory.

As always, thanks for stopping by and checking out another bit of Nick history with me. Have yourself a good one, and I’ll see you all next time!

[bzedan]

[ID: An edit of the Parmigianino painting Cupid Making His Bow, showing a figure from the back, mid-buttcrack up, leaning over, braced against an unfinished bow. They are looking over their shoulder and have the head and tail of Garfield in cartoony contrast to the late Renaissance painting style of the body and wings. The figure is also Garfield orange. A script tattoo on one buttcheeck reads "February 2024." /end ID]

Listen, last year I did two hours and twenty-eight minutes and when I hit two hours and fourteen minutes this year I was like "whatever, print it." Also I liked how they hung together and some life stuff kind of meant that what I needed was a very loopable couple hours, not a curated several hours. I think every time I hear a Donavan song I go "this is my favourite" but it's more like "this is my favourite right now." More love and relationship type songs because you can't get away from that in music tbh, but also it's a fun thing to theme around.

Related media to some of the songs:

"Oh Snap" has some muddy origins, like any phrase. Wild in this article to see that as of this 2009 article it had worn its ironic welcome.

'Heartbeat' by Riggs is from Heavy Metal (1981), well not *from* the movie, but was in the movie, which is so specifically of its genre and era and also so specifically for me, who ended up with a sizable Loc-Nar tattoo. I think you can gauge pretty quick if a deeply '80s metal animated movie is for you and it conveniently is available on Archive.

It was a wet month here, hence all the rain songs, I hate linking to Insta, but latimes.404 had a nice little rundown of stats. The 1933 record mentioned is why we have such monster flood abatement where we live. I can’t remember which Raymond Chandler story it is but one scene takes place in a house that had been swept down a hill by a community ruining flood and THATS the record mentioned in the video. That’s why every four way stop is crossed with gutters that bottom out your car.

Bump of Chicken! 'Sleep Walking Orchestra' slaps. I am a Delicious In Dungeon/Dungeon Meshi fan (vol 13 and 14 on preorder, bb!), it's as specific as Heavy Metal, so I guess decide if you want a cooking manga/anime that is also very intense, and monster-nerdy. (and also kind of horny). Anyway, the official video is a more all-ages delight.

Anyway here's a link to February's playlist on Spotify, with the track list below the cut.

And embedded, if you like that:

'Sometimes' - Nick Lutsko

'There's No Love in February' - The Orion Experience

'Riki Tiki Tavi' - Donovan

'For What It's Worth' - Buffalo Springfield

'Downtown' - Petula Clark

'Braveheart - Original Mix' - DJ Sammy

'Magnify' - Real McCoy

'Everybodies Girl' - Dwarves

'Wildflowers' - Tom Petty

'Lost Souls/Eelings' - TR/ST

'Nightmare' - Dead On A Sunday

'Boy Problems' - Carly Rae Jepsen

'Gotta Get Up' - Harry Nilsson

'One Night/All Night' - Justice

'Brand New Key' - Melanie

'Crockett's Theme' - Jan Hammer

'Baby I'm Burnin' - Disco Mix' - Dolly Parton

'No One Dies From Love' - Tove Lo

'Just a Friend' - Biz Markie

'Cupid' - Sam Cooke

'Angela's Theme ("You're Just What I've Been Looking For")' - ET TU'

'So This Is Love - From "Cinderella"' - Ilene Woods

'If You Should Try To Kiss Her' - Dressy Bessy

'Horizon' - 1991

'Selfish Soul' - Sudan Archives

'What's Love (feat. MUNA)' - Empress Of

'The Beat Goes On' - Sonny & Cher

'Slow Ride' - Foghat

'Walking In The Rain' - Grace Jones

'Heartbeat - Soundtrack Version' - Riggs

'No Matter What - Remastered 2010' - Badfinger

'Raindrop' - Tripping Daisy

'It Never Rains in Southern California' - Albert Hammond

'Your Heart Is A Muscle' - Carly Rae Jepsen

'A Central Rain Melody' - Bart Graft

'Sleep Walking Orchestra' - BUMP OF CHICKEN

'Novocaine For The Soul' - Eels

'Parasites' - Ugly Casanova

'Haunted House' - Sir Babygirl

[dafukdidiwatch]

U.S.S INDIANAPOLIS: MEN OF COURAGE

Nick Cage mixed with WW2 and sharks. What can possible go wrong?

Answer: Everything

Nick Cage has just an attraction to me. I have known him for so long since I was little, I can’t tell if he is a good actor or if it was nostalgia. All I know is if there is a Nick Cage film, it is going to have that Nick Cage charm. And BOY HOWDY, this movie has it.

Let’s go with backstory first.

This movie is based on the incredible and horrific events that happened to the U.S.S Indianapolis, a Naval Ship during World War 2. It was sent on a secret and dangerous mission to deliver parts for the construction of the Atomic Bomb. However, on their way back a Japanese Submarine sunk it with a torpedo, leaving the survivors stranded alone in the middle of the ocean for 4 days filled surrounded by sharks who would attack the dead, injured, and living. Out of the almost 12,000 sailors aboard, only 300 would survive, making this the worst naval tragedy in U.S. Navy history.

And they made this movie.

Not going to lie, I was stupidly judgy through this movie. I mean, I tried goddammit, to watch and enjoy it straight. But I couldn’t help it. I care about this history. I’m fasinated by this bit of history, the horror and pain the sailors when through. This is THE Greatest Shark Attack in history. I was judgy because I wanted this movie to respect the event and tragedy that had happened, to do the survivors justice. And they tried.

God did they tried.

The problem is that they didn’t do it well.

Let me start with the good things about this movie.

1) Nick Cage was pretty Good

He plays Captain Charles B. McVay of the Indianapolis. There is still a bit of hokiness that comes from Nick Cage being Nick Cage. One is him talking to himself while writing a letter to his wife in the weirdest way possible. Another is the fact that his sunglasses makes it look like his eyes are closer to his forehead. But he does the role well I think. He makes sure to show that Captain McVay cared for his men, put their safety ahead of his own, did everything he can to help. I thought he did a good job.

2) They were respectful in the representation of the Japanese Submarine Crew.

The movie could have just not even show the submarine until the ship sinks, but no, we actually get to see the crew. We see the Captain Hashimoto dealing with the struggles of fighting their side of the war. How he cares for his crew, and how they will lay down their lives for the fight. The ship was sunk by Kaiten Torpedoes, basically an underwater version of Kamakazi pilots. They were manned torpedoes, so you see the men loading themselves in to be launched. So while the main focus is on the Indianapolis, it is nice they tried to be empathetic to the Japanese crew as well.

3) The side-characters were interesting enough.

With a historical story like this, the best way is show the movie is to let the audience see all the possible people that were serving on the ship. You see two best friends fall in love with the same girl. Two guys who were enemies and in jail together. A guy with a gambling addiction. The lovable engineers that you see up above. The brand new green commander who is a bit of a dick. My favorite one is the writer sailor. He writes what he sees and tries to bolster people up with his stories. Like, there is a lot of characters so even if you don’t like one plot-line, there are others you can enjoy. They may act goofy/overly dramatic at times, but the actors did a good job for you to root for them.

With that out of the way, things I didn’t like.

A) The cgi was too basic and shit in places

I wish, I WISH I can find a better picture to show what I mean. When we were watching, even my sister were going back and forth on whether it was good or not. Everything that was cgi was just weirdly too smooth. Like really look at it. It looks more like graphics for a video game. Which, is passable. But you can’t have passable for a movie. This movie came out in 2016! We have the technology for a hell of a lot better images than template models. At that was the better cgi. Because when the cgi is bad, it is glaringly obvious bad.

B) The Editing Kills Me.

They have a weird sense of pacing in this movie. When you hit the middle part of the movie, it’s fine. Decent moments of the sailors goofing around, hving drmatic romance, fights, struggles. But there are some parts of the movie where someone in the editing room was like “Oh shit, the people watching this won’t understand. Quickly! Put out that exposition as fast as you can!!”

An Example: the first 3 minutes of the movie. Minute 1: BATTLE! Ok, good, see our historical men in action. Minute 2: We are in a war council room where the Indianapolis has been chosen for a secret mission. “You mean the atomic BOMB?!” -> Basically the line used. And this was BEFORE meeting ANY of our main cast. So it felt like the movie was putting more emphasis on the ship rather than the sailors. 

It also didn’t help the movie Felt like it ended when the survivors were rescued, but didn’t Actually end for another 20-30 minutes longer. I appreciate them going in for historical accuracy of showing the actual aftermath to Captain McVay, but by that point I was so done and bored that I didn’t really care.

Plus they keep using the same periscope tracking shot 7 times! Seven! In the same scene. TWICE!! When the Japanese were firing in daytime, we see the same daylight periscope 7 times before launch. Then when they fired a torpedo at night, LET’S DO THE SAME THING since it went so well the first time.

B) The ship sinks titanic style, the fuck is that?? 

Not going to lie, while I am facinated by the Indianapolis, I do not know everything about what exactly happened. One of them was how the ship sank. But I am pretty sure the ship did not sink in the Exact Same Way as the Titanic. Where one side is lifted up, then got cracked in the middle, and so it was split into two parts. It was, it was bad. Because this tied in to the whole repeating shots thing, because I saw the same man holding onto a pole trying not to drop 5 different times. The Same Exact Scene. No difference. And I’m sure he fell in the exact same way as in the Titanic Movie shots.

(Note:The jail cell sailors during this part were very good, but I still have No Idea how the hell they got out. Let me know if you figured it out)

C) The Sharks were S H I T!

This is basically where the whole meat of the story should have taken place, nd it was AWFUL! Trash! They were stupidly inaccurate, trying to go for Jaws Chomp factor instead of being anywhere near historical. The sharks were all Great Whites, which wasn’t a thing. Because the sharks that historically attacked were Oceanic Whitetips.

But ok, you could get pass. The sharks look similar enough at first glance so it would be an honest mistake. Except that sailors were specifically talking bout “Great White Sharks” with colored pictures of great whites, (which think about that for a minute) so that was bullshit. in making the audience think Great White.

But ok, so what, who cares, the sharks still does it’s things right? Why should we care if they got the type wrong or not?

^Because of Shit like This!! This movie decided to try and shittily mimic Jaws and the Jaws ripoffs by having crappy cgi sharks launch itself out of no where to stupidly chops on the nearest sailors. God you could make a drinking game out of it. Take a shot for every shark you see. Which won’t kill you, because there were NOT ENOUGH SHARKS!!

^The sharks should have been like this. The sailors literally should have been like waist deep in sharks. There were a lot of fucking sharks. And yet! There weren’t any. The sharks only decided to freaking rocket launch themselves out of the water when it’s time for a jump scare, on any old person they can fine. And maybe the reason they decide to throw themselves to the nearest pound of flesh instead of going for the closest dead body is because

D ) THERE WERE BARELY ANY SURVIVORS!!!

Seriously! When the ship sank there were 800 sailors left in the water, We only see 60. TOTAL! Not even random background sailors. It was just Nick Cage’s group, then a separate group of 30 people, and random boats here and there.  God how could they have fucked this up! I don’t know if it was just, not in the budged to hire more people or what, but you can still get somebody. Show the survivors dammit!

It pisses me off because this could have easily solved their shark problem. Because if there were more people, you can see the sharks eat/take the dead bodies. Then when there is a ton more sharks, see them go after the injured and dying. Like, having screams constantly while sharks pick people off left and right, even if it is just background characters, would build so much more tension than just “guys have a good laugh, talk, and support each other, send the shark for the jumpscare.”

I will give the movie this though: While I feel like the majority of the ending was unneeded, I do respect that they have little end-cards for what happened to the character’s historical counterparts, as well as come footage of some of the survivors describing the experience.

Overall: Don’t watch it. If you wanted to watch it for the actual historical event, watch something else. They made note of smaller historical facts while completely screwing up the actual main event with the sharks. You can find better documentaries Here, Here, Here, Here, and Here. The last one has a clip of the special that I I saw originally and while you do have to pay to see it (Here), it is very well done.

And If you want to watch a “so bad it’s good movie” then maybe it fits the bill, but I just honestly don’t think it’s worth it. The editing and pacing will give you whiplash. The CGI takes you out of the zone.  Nick Cage tried his best, but not even his enjoyable presence could save the film. They make for a great movie to rag on, but having it be on an actual historic event like this just leaves a bad taste in my mouth

[sapphicscholar]

Pride Month Prompts Day 22: Wedding (Grace/Frankie)

From this Pride Month Prompts post! I’m taking the opportunity to write some short fics for a variety of pairings that I haven’t written for as much. I’ll be sure to tag them all with #pride month prompts so you can find them later if you’d like!

Day 22: Wedding - on AO3 as Casual Simplicity

Pairing: Grace/Frankie

A/N: I apologize if this has already been done and I haven’t gotten to read that particular fic yet!

“Marry me.”

They’re words Grace never expected to hear again, not after 40 years of a loveless marriage came crumbling down around her, the husband she’d tolerated for so long apparently deciding that the years she gave him weren’t enough to make up for that “more” he’d gone chasing in another man’s arms, sneaking away on long “business trips” and leaving her alone with the children she’d come to love but had never wanted for her own sake. But the words are real. Nick is real, sitting there, right in front of her, looking perfectly handsome in a tailored suit from a designer that Grace has heard of and approves of. But the words—they have to be a joke, and she says as much.

Only Nick doesn’t leave. He stays there, telling her he doesn’t care if it’s crazy; he wants to marry her anyway. There’s an answer for every question, even that why that Grace has tried to avoid thinking too hard about when it comes to most of her romantic decisions. But Nick smiles up at her, more guileless than he’ll ever be during the business day, and tells her it’s simple, says, “I love you,” says, “I want to spend the rest of my life with you.”

And there’s something so damn attractive about simple.

Robert had seemed simple. He was a lawyer from a wealthy family with a charming smile and an easy laugh. He was a perfect gentleman on their dates, never pushing her to do things she didn’t want to do—later, she’ll wonder if all those years of polite manners were just repression dressed up in bourgeois niceties. When he asked her to marry him, neither of them asked why, neither of them wondered if it would be enough, if it would be the kind of love that sent them reeling. They fit. Socially, politically, financially, hell, even aesthetically—Robert’s taller, slightly stockier frame the perfect accessory to finish off Grace’s ensembles, right along with all shimmering, pre-packed gift jewelry that accentuated prominent collar bones and thin wrists and long, perfectly manicured fingers.

Simple makes sense. Simple is Byron telling Grace she’s “smokin’ hot” and sweeping her off her feet—quite literally—his desire plain for the world to see. Simple is the way her body had reacted to that show of need, of someone wanting her so clearly, so straightforwardly, at least until her mind caught up with her.

Everything with Nick would be simple. Problems would be purchased and turned into solutions or made to disappear. Love would be something declared in clear prose. Meals would appear and could be ignored in turn, the dishes vanishing and leftovers sliding down a garbage disposal that would never be clogged with paint or dirt or the DVR remote that had gone missing weeks ago. Sex would happen on a semi-regular basis and would continue to be semi-good, and Vybrant, promising older women that they could enjoy genuinely fulfilling sexual pleasure, would continue to flourish, and never would she let herself hold those two things up side-by-side for a comparison that might show her things she didn’t want to see.

Grace leans over and kisses Nick, hoping it’s answer enough when she can’t make her mouth form the sounds needed to agree to this next simple step. He cups her jaw and kisses her, smiling into it, and it isn’t Byron’s rough hands, but it’s real. It isn’t some video broadcast to the whole Internet talking about kisses that never happened—kisses offered in jest and discussed in public and penciled into Grace’s otherwise pristine planner in all capital letters, but never a real option.

As Grace walks down the beach, tucked into Nick’s side, she finally manages a, “Yes.” And that settles it. Because Nick doesn’t offer things he doesn’t mean. He doesn’t proposition someone for years only to laugh—loudly, too loudly—and insist it had been a great big tease all along when they finally start to say yes.

Only, it turns out that for all his simplicity, Nick wants some of that simplicity in return. He wants someone who will want him back. Can deal with a third player in the game, but not when it becomes clear that player 3 will always be priority 1.

They’re in the back of Nick’s car, flying down the highway on their way to be married, but all Grace can think about, can talk about, is Frankie. About what Frankie said. About everything Frankie has done. About all the ways Frankie has been telling her, again and again, even after her walking disease of a boyfriend took his yurt and fucked off, that what they have isn’t enough—and why shouldn’t it be enough? Why can’t it be enough? Why is Grace—again, always—being told that what she valued as enough someone else saw as lacking, never the “more” that would somehow make it worthwhile?

Nick shrugs his shoulders, as laissez-faire in his attitude towards Frankie’s behavior as he wants the government to be about his business. “Maybe Kooky wants something that you already have without her.”

“And what the hell would that be?” Grace snaps, yanking her hand free of Nick’s, too annoyed to want his easy comfort right now.

Nick turns to face her head on then, and Grace can see something like resignation in his expression, wonders how she’s fucked another thing up today, all before the sun has even set. “I meant me. A relationship.”

“Oh.”

Before Grace can get out one of those light, breezy laughs and paper over the fact that she’s forgotten the very thing she’s on her way to concretize in binding, legal documents, Nick takes her hand in his once more. “Maybe I should have listened when you told me this was crazy.”

“Nick.”

“I love you, Grace. I love you, and I want to spend the rest of my life with you. But not when you’ll always be there wondering about someone else.”

“It’s not the same,” Grace insists, her voice cracking as Nick’s words edge close—too close—to the questions that she’s been trying to quiet with pills and drown in vodka.

“No, it’s not the same. But I think I’m on the losing side here.”

---

Hovering on that thin line between still drunk and already hungover that would normally have Grace reaching for either a new drink or an Ambien and a few Advil, Grace pulls her sweater tighter around herself to ward off the chill as she wanders down the beach. The sea lions are quiet now, the breeze barely a whisper in the air. If only Bud and Allison had scheduled their wedding for 4am, then no one would have known that Grace couldn’t make heads or tails of Frankie’s pictionary Post Its.

The lights are almost all out at the beach house now, though the outside decorations are still up, long strings of fairy lights twinkling in the night sky. Grace knows she could walk back in, go up to her room, and sleep in a bed, but after hours of drunken contemplation alone, she isn’t quite sure she deserves it. Yes, Frankie had left stupid notes that made no fucking sense, but Grace could have asked, could have dealt with Joan Margaret and gotten on Frankie’s calendar, or pulled a Frankie and scrawled her name across the entire day (and she thinks Frankie may well have honored such a request). Instead, she’d assumed that Frankie was being, well, Kooky—and the caricature of Kooky that Nick thought he knew, not the slightly kooky but also brilliant, caring, warm woman Grace had come to know over the years.

Of course, there’s still anger there, too. Anger at Frankie for thinking that her life only meant something if she drank disgusting cacao and slept in a yurt on a beachfront in La Jolla and stole the Whole Foods groceries Grace was still buying for her and acted like somehow it was all enlightened because some man who smelled like feet and patchouli told her it was. Anger at Frankie for getting stoned and tweeting out promises that would bankrupt the company they’d worked so hard to build together—their refuge in a world that told them they didn’t matter. Anger at Frankie for posting some poorly edited video that made it sound like they were some old lesbian couple selling vibrators and sneaking into one another’s rooms late at night to kiss and test out their merchandise. Anger at Frankie for making her think about those things, making her wonder about those possibilities.

Then Frankie’s own anger and hurt comes rushing back at her. The betrayal in her voice when she’d seen the store-bought cake—the last straw that seemed to scream into that big empty kitchen: “I don’t trust you to do anything, not even when it comes to your children.” But Grace’s mind keeps returning, again and again, to the big fuck you moment—at least the one Frankie named as such. “You ran away with your boyfriend.” Grace absolutely loathes the hope she can feel bubbling up in her chest at the thought that maybe Frankie does see value in what they are together, that maybe Nick hurt Frankie—not because he was a capitalist or a fiscal conservative, but because he was there, with Grace, the new second name to her “Grace and”—as much as the yurt hobo and the version of Jacob who’d decided Santa Fe was a good idea had hurt Grace.

Eventually Grace settles herself in on a pile of rocks, tries to ignore the aches and pains that have become so much sharper as all the alcohol from earlier fades into the cold sobriety of almost-morning. Closing her eyes, Grace lets her mind drift, thinks about all that might have been had she run off with Nick and gone through with the marriage. Would she be here now? She doubts it. A wife would have been at home in bed with her husband, not sitting on the beach desperately needing to make things right with the woman who’d been her home for the past five years.

---

It’s a little after sunrise when Grace sees what she thinks is another figure down the beach. Her eyesight isn’t as bad as Frankie’s, but it certainly isn’t what it once was. Deciding it’s worth the potential humiliation of yelling at a stranger or an inanimate object, Grace stands and starts moving toward the blurry shape, yelling, “Frankie!”

But then the blurry shape is standing and yelling, “Grace!” right back at her.

And she doesn’t care that her knee is screaming, doesn’t care that Grace Hanson most definitely does not run, because her heart is pushing her as fast and as far as she can go—even if it isn’t very far or very fast.

“I’ll come to you!” And Frankie, who eats carbs and whipped cream and gummy bears for breakfast, is running like some sort of elite athlete in the 65+ category, while Grace waits, half hobbling, desperately hoping her knee won’t give out on her now.

Then Frankie is in front of her, and all the anger slips away in the face of the person she might have lost, maybe forever, and everything Grace has been thinking comes pouring out of her. Apologies for the terrible things she’s said. Admissions that she’s become a better person, someone that most days she can stand to look at in the mirror, with Frankie at her side. And somehow it all builds to Grace, standing on the beach, waves crashing beside them and the surf inching closer and closer to their feet, holding Frankie close, calling her a best friend, a partner, telling her that she needs her. And there’s nothing simple about that need. There are no straightforward lines where Frankie can do x or be y to fulfill z. It’s a need mingled with pangs of annoyance and frustration and anger but wrapped up in what Grace is finally realizing is love, and somehow that outweighs everything else, makes it simple even when it’s not. “I need you,” Grace repeats, blinking back tears that make Frankie look blurry, even now when she’s only inches away.

“Oh, I need you too.” Frankie falls into her arms with the words, holds her tight, the last vestiges of their fight falling away the longer they stay like that. “So, let’s go home.”

A sentimental part of Grace that rarely rears its head, and even more rarely gets anything out, wants to say that she’s already there. Instead she blurts out, “Nick asked me to marry him.” In an instant, all the happiness and love in Frankie’s expression is clouded over with hurt. “I—we’re not.”

“Not getting married?”

“Not getting married. Not together.” A deep breath. “He felt like he was always competing with you. Competing and losing.” Frankie’s usual taunts about beating Nick in any way are absent. She looks cautious, and Grace wonders if the same fragile hope is demanding shelter from her too. “Maybe he’s right.”

The quiet maybe isn’t enough to bring Frankie back to that joyous openness—not after she’s put back up those walls so few people realize she has in the face of all the pain Grace’s declaration had been poised to deliver.

This will never be simple, and Frankie will never be Robert, assuming Grace will say yes because it follows logically. She will never be Nick, convinced so deeply of her own charms that she’ll put her heart on the line in matters of love without a moment’s hesitation. Despite the “fuck it” lifestyle, she will never be Byron, desire plainly written in every move.

But, Grace realizes with a jolt, she can be that for Frankie, can let her see everything she’s offering—no jokes or questions about it.

Grace steps forward, closes the distance that had pulled them apart again. Her hands find Frankie’s arms first, one coming up to hold her jaw, thumb sweeping across her cheekbone. “I’m not going anywhere this time. I promise.” A kiss to the forehead, like Frankie had asked for all those years ago, only to have Grace deny her in a moment of panic about why—dear god, why—the thought of pressing her lips to any part of Frankie had sent her heart pounding. Then Frankie’s cheeks, one after the other. Grace pauses, waiting, centimeters away from Frankie’s mouth. “I promise,” she whispers again, the words ghosting across Frankie’s lips. Her eyes flutter shut as she leans forward, her mouth finding Frankie’s. Just one kiss. One sealed promise. One hint of what might be waiting for them.

When she pulls back, she finds Frankie blinking at her. Everything is still and silent for a long moment.

Frankie’s hand reaches out, tangling around her own. “Let’s go home.”

[superbeitmenotyou]

Spider-Man: Far From Home: The Screenwriters explain the Twists

This text incorporates spoilers for Spider-Man Far From Home.

Back it got here to crafting “Spider-Man Far From Home,” the screenwriters, Chris McKenna and Erik Somers, had an incredibly complex web to weave.

The movie sends Peter Parker and his superhero buddies, Spider-Man, both played with the aid of Tom Holland on category travel via Europe, but “removed from domestic” nevertheless had to grapple with the tragic catastrophe of “Avengers: Endgame,” wherein Peter misplaced his mentor, tony stark.

“Far From Home” additionally introduces Jake Gyllenhaal, an extra superhero who appears to be on abate’s facet but whom savvy comedian-e-book fanatics will automatically admire as Mysterio, certainly one of Spider-Man’s basic foes. and then there’s the rely upon unravelling character accoutrement introduced in ’s “Spider-Man: homecoming,” including Peter’s beginning accord along with his classmate MJ Zendaya.

In a fresh telephone dialogue, McKenna and Sommers whose previous collaborations include “Spider-Man: homecoming” and “ Jumanji: Welcome to the Jungle” explained how they juggled these abounding plot aspects and got here up with a surprise end-credit score aberration that guarantees to circuit Spider-Man in a whole new course. here are edited excerpts from that conversation.

How did you arrive on the choice to acquaint Mysterio as an ally who’s working with Samuel L. Jackson’s Nick Fury?

Chris McKenna one of the hardest issues with these motion pictures is touchdown on the villain. With Mysterio, there have been models of the memoir where he was at the forefront as an out-and-out villain that Peter and Nick have been chasing around Europe as he pulled off these events, all building to this lower back legend of why he became doing it, which changed into a totally different third act. We went downloads of different anchorage.

Erik Sommers however in the end, as a result of Mysterio offers so lots in deception, it changed into a variety of herbal that it led to a chronicle structure where his whole identity changed into a deceive for a long time.

McKenna There’s going to be people accepted satisfactory with the comics who reactivity to peer right through him, however, you type of can’t be concerned about that if you happen to develop with an artifice like this. You simply ought to achievement so you might get abroad with it lengthy satisfactory so that back the show comes up, people are still having fun with the film.

Mysterio employs enough deep-cut comedian-publication references — together with a back epic involving an alternative edition of the earth — that alike super enthusiasts might locate themselves satisfied in the beginning.

Sommers That truly did aid. Any time we locate ourselves with a twist or shock exhibit of something like this, we are looking to do as lots as we can to give protection to it and abstract from it ahead of time.

McKenna What we saved asserting is that he needed to consider as a true personality, so we desired to supply him a tragic again yarn with the entire particulars of coming from an additional apple, and ensure that the Elementals he’s combating acquainted like a becoming, Avengers-stage threat. surely, it turned into all smoke and mirrors, but we desired to accomplish it as plausible as feasible, and what helped become making Nick acerbity — the battiest man on the planet — apparently fall for it.

Sommers if you consider of what Mysterio is doing as actuality a con, again a sensible con man is going to employ different individuals to help promote his lie.

within the conclusion-credit scene, we find out that Nick isn’t Nick in any respect — as a substitute, a shape-shifting alien from “Captain Marvel” has been posing as Nick Fury for the total film.

McKenna Thematically, we desired to accept as many illusions and twists as viable, and up during the conclusion of the movie, we wanted to make you question everything you’ve viewed before.

however it becomes really a concept that got here later in the manner, and it helped because if anyone within the audience had considerations with Nick fury falling for Quentin’s nonsense, it changed into a nice defence valve to accept.

How a good deal did wonder divulge to you about the big twists in “Avengers: Endgame” in case you begun penning this film?

McKenna We were like, “wait, who goes abroad? and how do they arrive back?” We didn’t basically see “Endgame” except the most fulfilling — might be if we’d common more in strengthen, we might accept fabricated a funny story about Valkyrie using a Pegasus since you really are looking to reference that.

Sommers You’re accustomed every little thing on a need-to-recognize basis.

McKenna the two important things we knew have been the -yr hole and the ramifications it could accept for the individuals who did and didn’t get blipped away. And, certainly, the tony of all of it.

The shadow that tony’s demise casts over this film nearly makes him an alternative version of Uncle Ben from the Spider-Man comic books. back chic bequeaths a magnificent reward to abate in “far from domestic,” it could as well come with a bit observe announcing, “With first-rate power comes amazing accountability.”

McKenna The different “Spider-Man” videos definitely handled Uncle Ben, and “accession” hinted at it, however, you’re appropriate: In a lot of methods, the gravitas really comes from abate’s accord with chic.

Sommers It’s affected that there likely changed into an Uncle Ben and the ache of that accident is lingering there, but this gave each person the probability to actualize a whole new accord between Peter and his mentor, Tony, and to contend with the loss of that, which is a very potent, emotional experience in his life.

within the mid-credits tag, a posthumous video from Mysterio exposes Spider-Man’s secret identity to the world. That’s principal shake-up for this personality. Why acquaint it now?

McKenna We had been challenged via the producers to come up with whatever thing that abate sacrifices through the end of this movie, and after we hit upon that as a group, it grew to become a very horrifying theory: “Oh, no, we will do this! then it’s no longer a Spider-Man film anymore!”

Sommers sooner or later, we realized that because of it afraid us, you need to run toward it.

McKenna, It’s the sort of daring manoeuvre that it grew to become assured, especially with a difficult persona like Mysterio, who’s this darkish father figure. From the grave, is he making an attempt to give abate his “I’m adamant Man” moment? It’s advance aloft him, however, is this a lesson or an abuse?

Mysterio additionally frames Spider-Man for the crimes he’s been committing, which would initiate the next movie in an extremely different region.

McKenna, We have been questioning, “Are we activity as abysmal as we deserve to at the end of the movie?” We performed with the thought that Peter is the one who sacrifices his identification out of call all over the last combat, then it appeared more wonderful if Mysterio tricks him into doing it, but any time we wrote an edition where he was being printed to the world in that fight, it felt like it beneath the achievement. So earlier than it grew to become a tag, it becomes really simply the end of the film: right as he feels he’s dispatched up as Spider-Man, he has the rug pulled out from under him once again.

Sommers We had been basically debating, should still we just show who Spider-Man is, or should we body him for whatever thing and turn him right into an abomination? ultimately, we decided that each was how to go. It’s any such triumph on the end as a result of he’s received the girl and at last, becoming a big swing in the course of the city, so we are looking to knock him down as far as possible.

The greatest surprise of the movie is that the id show is advertisement via J. Jonah Jameson, the daily adenoids blowhard who became played by way of J.k. Simmons within the common “Spider-Man” movies directed via Sam Raimi. Simmons reprises the position right here, making him the first actor from a different set of movies to join the present wonder cosmos as the same personality.

McKenna both of those ideas got here together resplendent quickly. I don’t understand if it became director Jon Watts or somebody else who talked about, “it 'll be each day adenoids, and it 'll be J. Jonah Jameson.” That concept has been lingering round due to the fact that “homecoming”: How will we insert our new version of J. Jonah?

Sommers There had already been some activity in possibly the usage of J.k. Simmons when we brought J. Jonah again, so as soon as it was decided that we have been acting to reveal Peter’s identification on the very conclusion instead of the last combat, it all fell into region very artlessly that J. Jonah would be worried.

McKenna whatever thing that had been amphibian through this complete movie changed into the thought of “false information” and how can you accept as true with everything you see? We had been toying with the conception that Mysterio would turn Spider-Man right into a villain, similar to he did within the comic books, and it acquainted like that again angry into this J. Jonah. because of the Alex Jones of the MCU.

With newspapers on the wane, it’s fun that J. Jonah Jameson has basically become a YouTube personality.

[thebachelordiaries]

“Sage Advice And Sage Vaginas:” The Bachelorette Premiere Recap

We are officially back! It feels good to be back. I’ve missed being excited on Mondays. I’ve missed my little Twitter family. I’ve missed the memes and the endless sh*t talking. But most of all, I’ve missed seeing the man who I consider my second father: Chris Harrison.

Now let’s just jump right into it. 

The episode begins with Becca crying while looking at pictures of her and Arie. I don’t know how producers got her to cry, but I’m pretty sure Becca has now realized just how lucky she is to have been dumped by Arie. 

She’s done crying. Now it’s time for Becca to pick her head up and live out her new destiny as The Bachelorette.

As the wise artist Ariana Grande one said.

Ain't got no tears left to cry So I'm pickin' it up, pickin' it up I'm lovin', I'm livin', I'm pickin' it up

She’s now The Bachelorette, and women ledes always have the most success with choosing the right partner. As JoJo said later on in the episode, 

“One hundred percent, women are more intuitive and know what they want.” 

Can I get a hell yeah for the superior gender?

I’ve said this before and I’ll say it again, can psychologists do a case study on a woman’s intuition? And if it’s already been done, please slide the scholarly article into my DMs. Thank you in advance.

Look at this Minnesotean snow princess. I am shook.

Can you imagine having such a compelling storyline from being dumped by your fiance for someone else that producers just skim over the fact that your father died of a brain tumor and your mother has battled cancer? This girl has been through too much. If she doesn’t find happiness, all of Bachelor Nation will revolt. And I will be leading the way.

Becca wants a man who is as loyal and loving as her dad was to her mom. She deserves this and nothing less. Can we find this woman a man? Let’s do the damn thing.

(That is the first and last time I will ever say that phrase.)

Becca also has a sister and a corgi nephew, who made a very subtle appearance in the premiere episode. However, it must not go unnoticed.

Follow this little loaf of bread on Instagram: max_in_madison

Becca is then magically transported from Minnesota to LA, where she is seen driving a convertible along the coast of the Pacific. 

At the Bachelor Mansion, she gets some sage advice from the last three Bachelorettes: Rachel, JoJo and Kaitlyn. 

Rachel lit up some sage to get rid of the “bad juju” in the mansion.

"I’m going to sage your pu**y.” -Rachel

This was the first time the people giving advice were actually still in Bachelor-related relationships. It’s like The Bachelorette is becoming more successful with time. I approve. 

What I didn’t approve of was that Kaitlyn got no airtime. 

Hello, 911? I’d like to report that Kaitlyn Bristowe was ROBBED of airtime during The Bachelorette premiere. 

Video Intros

Every season ABC selectively chooses which men we should get to know in their video package intros. We met seven men. That seems like a lot, but here’s what I learned.

Clay— He’s not a regular jock. He’s a sensitive jock.

Garrett—He did a Chris Farley impression without explicitly stating he was doing one, which probably confused 95 percent of all viewers, including myself. Garrett likes doing outdoors stuff. The rest of his personality is hot air. This is everything you could ever want or need to know about Garrett.

Jordan— He has a unique (re: dumb) way of describing things, but I’m grateful for him because he’s going to be entertaining us for about 60 percent of the season in his ITMs. 

Lincoln— I take back whatever I said about him being attractive for having an accent. Listening to his voice has made me iron deficient. Brb, going to go chew on some ice now.

Joe— Joe owns a grocery store, a million-watt smile and a heart of gold. I’m in love.

Jean Blanc— He low-key shaded Trump by saying Haiti is not a “sh*t h*le.” He also has an obsession with smelling things and spending lots of money on material items. He seems ok.

Colton— I’m suspicious of Colton. He’s too ready-made for The Bachelorette: he’s handsome, athletic, loves his dog, owns a nonprofit, allegedly a virgin. Where are his flaws?

I spoke too soon. What in Chris Harrison’s name is he wearing?

Top Limo Entrances 

Leo released his beautiful curly mane to Becca with the line of “let’s let our hair down.” First thing Becca said to him were the words every male suitor wants to hear from a woman: “You have hair like my sister!”

She’s not wrong, though.

Nick came out the limo in a racecar driver suit, clearly making an Arie reference. He asked “what kind of a**hole wears something like this?” and ripped off the outfit to reveal his perfectly tailored suit. I know people were saying it’s in poor taste to bring up Becca’s ex, but I found it hilarious. I thought I was going to dislike Nick because he looks like a huge tool, but it turns out I have a giant crush on him BECAUSE he looks like a huge tool. Nick is the kind of guy you date because you secretly want to emotionally punish yourself. I’m ready for you to ruin my life, Nick. You know where you can find me.

Trent energetically (which is ironic in itself) jumped out the back of a hearse with the line of “Oh my god Becca. When I found out you were The Bachelorette, I literally died.” He was possibly the most “alive” person to ever come out of a hearse.

Garrett pulled up in a minivan with all the equipment necessary for “soccer dad duties.” Producers really are trying to give him an edge. He would be one of the more loved guys this season because of editing if it wasn’t for his giant Instagram fuck up.

Bachelor Mansion Highlights and Lowlights

The Highs

Christon, a former Harlem Globetrotter, jumped over Becca while dunking a basketball. And he did so with all the other guys watching. 

I enjoyed this angle because you get to see the large amount of cameras used during filming. 

Jake getting sent home. I CALLED IT in my “first impressions” review, that him and Becca have probably already met, further proving my theory that attractive people in the same city all know each other. Becca said her and Jake were “acquaintances” and met on “several occasions,” but Jake was unsure if she would remember him since they only met once, alluding to the fact that he may live the majority of his life in a blackout drunk state. As a way to convince Becca to change her mind and keep him around, he said he had a “very transformative year,” whatever that means. Becca was having NONE. OF. IT. and sent his ass home back to Minneapolis. The Bachelorette probably wasn’t for him anyway, especially since production has implemented an alcohol limit.

Blake and Becca had a pretty deep conversation for night one. Blake talked about how his last serious relationship ending abruptly. He said, “If I was able to love the wrong person that much, how much would I be able to love the right person?” Every female on Earth, including Becca agreed with this Tumblr-worthy quote. However, Blake was scammed out of a First Impression Rose by Garrett, who drove up in a minivan and taught Becca how to flyfish in the Bachelor Mansion pool. Blake, you got the First Impression Rose in my eyes, you adorable sweetheart, you.

Jordan’s presence was just an entire highlight reel. As Kaitlyn Bristowe said on her podcast, he has “Jordan-isms.” Some of my favorite ones were:

“People are already going home on the first night.”

“If I don’t get a rose tonight, it would be the biggest upset of all time.”

And in general, him just being offended by everyone’s outfits.

Follow me on Twittter, @thebachdiaries 

The Lows

David/ “Chicken Guy.” I just wasn’t a fan. Dressing up in a costume and saying “Be-CAW” isn’t a personality trait. Also, he looks like the real-life version of the Instagram filter that makes your mouth appear too big for your face.

“Wrong Reasons Police” Chris. Speaking of being creeped out. Chris is the new Iggy of this season: unlikeable, doesn’t belong here, won’t go away and loves to snitch. He’s the “wrong reasons” police, but I can’t really picture someone who takes selfies looking like Derek Zoolander being here for the right reasons. Also his recently-changed Instagram name used to be c_dome, which just creeps me out. If you don’t know what “dome” means, Urban Dictionary is your friend.

The newly implemented alcohol limit was a big lowlight for me. Where were the drunk guys jumping into the pools? We’re going to need someone who says and does stupid things without any sort of inhibitor. Oh wait, we have Jordan. I’m pretty certain he was sober on the first night as he briefly mentioned that Chicken Guy almost got “feathers in his coffee.” Oh the ol’ days of drunken contestants will be missed. Forever in our hearts.

Rose Ceremony

All I need to say here is that Grocery Bae Joe from Chicago went home and the internet has never been more upset about a contestant being sent home night one. He already has about 45K followers on Instagram. If ABC doesn’t bring him to paradise, I will immediately sell all the stock I’ve invested into their company. (Except I don’t invest or even know how to do that crap. But I would if I did because It would just be a terrible business decision to not bring Joe to Paradise.)

Some Takeaways

I can tell Garret and Blake are going to go pretty far based on night one. Based on the season preview, it appears Jason and Colton will go far as well. That literally just might be the final four. However, I don’t follow spoilers, so don’t be that person who tells me what happens. 

I also have a feeling Lincoln might be this season’s villain. Only time will tell how that will play out.

Speaking of Colton, he is allegedly a virgin. However, virginity is a social construct, so anyone can be a virgin if they really believe in themselves. I mean, this franchise has created the most famous fake virgin of all time: Sean Lowe. So sure, Colton’s a virgin.

[hytheter]

Hey it’s me with another tag-chain dead-end!

I’m pretty sure @copper-cable​ deserves some of the credit for breaking this chain mind you

Rule: Set your music playlist to random and list the first ten titles that play 

This was actually slightly challenging since I don’t really have a single centralised music playlist. The closest would be the 4 folders on a USB in my car that I listen to while driving, but to avoid biasing one particular set of songs I thought it best to skip between the folders as I went. And the results are these:

Dig Lazarus Dig by Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds ♫ I don’t know what it is but there is definitely something going on upstairs ♫ This sure is a song. I don’t really have a good way of dewcribing it except to say that it’s a bit weird and I’m not 100% why I even like it. Incidentally I initially mistyped the artist as Nick Cage and the Bad Seeds and boy do I wanna know what that would sound like.

Laura by The Scissor Sisters ♫ Sh’mon! Sh’mon! Where is your love? ♫ What the fuck is “Sh’mon”? And what the fuck is this video? It’s in a hairdresser, I turn away, I come back and they’re excorsising a creepy zombie dude in a cemetary or something? Uh, anyway, simple catchy song, sick guitar in second chorus, killer sax in the outro. Pretty cool.

Higher Ground by Red Hot Chill Peppers ♫ I gotta keep on trying, ‘til I reach the higher ground! ♫ Right off the bat with a completely un-ignorable bassline and keeps a good rock on from start to finish - punchy, catchy, some nice guitar fills and that classic RHCP energy (not to mention some top notch 80′s video editing). It’s actually a cover of a Stevie Wonder song, but if you ask me the Red Hot Chilli Peppers’ version is... on higher ground.

Bust a Move by Young MC ♫ Some girls are sadistic, materialistic, looking for a man makes them opportunistic ♫ Not gonna lie, there’s a chance that this song is just a little bit sexist. But the funk is undeniable. The guitar is simple and effective, the bass just oozes cool  and the lyrics are well constructed and fun if not entirely agreeable.

Solace of You by Living Colour ♫ Gotta go inside, back where it started, back to the beginning ‘cos that’s where my heart is ♫ A quite soothing song from an otherwise loud metal kinda band. The guitar tone and riffs are easy on the ears, accompanied by heartfelt singing and fast yet gentle drumming that, along with some African (I assume?) backing vocals lends the song a laid back tribal feel.

We’re Much Preferred Customers by Dissoaciatives ♫ Age is just a number, drawn on empty faces ♫ This song is rather subdued and a little trippy, with strange layered voices and nonsensical lyrics (as I recall, the writer was in a “show up and write lyrics on the day of recording” point in his career) and various other noises. It all kinda comes together though if you ask me. I don’t think this song has an official video, if you wanna see what they’re about on that front try Horror With Eyeballs, which is exactly as weird as it sounds.

I Am The Walrus by The Beatles ♫ Umpa, umpa, stick it up your jumper ♫ Thanks for that brilliant contribution, Ringo. Vimeo Link because Youtube doesn’t have the actual song for some reason? Unlike the Dissoaciatives simply not prioritising lyrical meaning, this song was apparently written to be intentionally nonsensical. Needless to say, it makes for a rather fun and silly song from the strange side of the Beatles.

Breaking All Illusions by Dream Theater ♫ *soloing for like 5 full minutes* ♫ Now we’re in the thick of it. This here is some real Progressive Metal (though on the more accessible side of Metal if you ask me). Starting with a two minute instrumental intro and lasting over 12 minutes in total, this song coverse a range of tempos, tones, time signatures and musical styles (the disco bass at around 5:20 is my jam) and of course in true DT fashion there’s a nice long and varied instrumental breakdown in the middle that makes up almost half the song’s total runtime. A Dramatic Turn Of Events isn’t my favourite Dream Theater album by a long shot (Portnoy whyyy) but this song stands its ground to me.

Short Skirt Long Jacket by Cake ♫ I wanna girl who gets up early (GETS! UP! EARLY!) ♫ Alright, fine, something a little more radio friendly. As far as Cake goes this song is actually relatively well known, and the reasons for its comparative success are fairly apparent. It’s funky, it’s catchy, the vocals are easy to follow and not particularly demanding, and that trumpet gives the band a nice and unique sound. I don’t think this is actually their best song mind you - anyone who likes it should try some of their other stuff - but it’s the one that came up and rules are rules so

Unnatural Selection by Muse ♫ Counterbalance this commotion, we’re not droplets in the ocean ♫ Despite the overall trends of my music tastes, this somehow ended up being the heaviest song on the list. Oh well, Looks like I’m going out with a bang! This song starts as pure hard rock - heavy chugging guitar, aggressive lyrics, catchy chorus, overall a fierce and punchy song. Comparable to High Ground actually, but instead of getting its point across capping off after the three minute mark it instead does something rather different and slows the fuck down. Not that it sacrifices its intensity, mind you, instead becoming even more dramatic and overblown in that special way that only talented wankers like Matt Bellamy can pull off. This is a Muse song through and through, and it’s a good one.

Overall, this is a pretty diverse snapshot of my music collection. I would’ve expected a stronger slant towards particular genres and artists but here we are. Not tagging anyone because no friends, but anyone who chances upon this can feel free to do the thing.

[junker-town]

‘Hard Knocks’ recap: Tampa Bay Buccaneers, Episode 1

Jameis Winston visited his childhood home, Gerald McCoy wore a dragon kimono, and Mike Evans and DeSean Jackson looked dangerous in the season premiere. Also: the Bucs coaching staff is super-boring.

Every year, Hard Knocks is an incomparable way to start the pro football season, unless the Rams are being profiled. At its heart, the series focuses on three different parts of a football team: the coach/front office, veterans/stars, and fringe players fighting for a spot on the team. Their stories are told with exclusive video and behind-the-scenes access, and polished with lightning-fast editing, time-lapse video of stadiums, and montages. SO MANY MONTAGES.

This year: the Tampa Bay Buccaneers. Let’s dive in.

Orientation

Let’s familiarize ourselves with the lay of the land:

Practice fields

New practice facility (under construction)

Team offices, maybe?

Strip clubs and real estate scams

Tacky-ass atrium for displaying sculptural abominations

Pirate ship dry dock

The biggest goddamn flag we could find. No! BIGGER, I said! GET ME A BIGGER FLAG

More strip clubs

The Star Players

JAMEIS WINSTON

When the NFL announced that the Bucs would star in this season’s Hard Knocks, my stomach churned. I wondered exactly how long it would take for the series to frame the young star quarterback in a positive light, given the history of sordid allegations he’s dodged due to his talent.

The answer: maybe 10-15 seconds after the credits ran. The show opens with Winston in his hometown of Bessemer, Alabama, returning to the simple low-slung house where he spent his early years. His childhood room is not a good room for a child.

“... and THIS bed was condemned by the state of Alabama.”

Winston also familiarizes the audience with the Coors Light graveyard on the side of the house where everyone urinates, pausing only to point out a cockroach on the steps of the porch. And whether you saw the episode or not, you definitely need this speech in its entirety.

“This area right here, this is basically where all the men pee when the bathroom is held up. So we would just stand right here— What’s up cockroach, you good? We just killed one. Aw, they matin’. No, she havin’ a baby. This cockroach havin’ a baby! The cockroach havin’ a baby, f’real. You see it? Look. This is Mother Nature at its best. I feel like the Crocodile Hunter, with roaches. But this, we just pee right here.”

It’s an undeniably charming, unscripted moment for a multimillionaire revisiting his old pissing grounds.

Later, while leading a football camp, Winston singles out the lone girl, celebrating her leadership. This is an improvement from last year, when Winston, while visiting an elementary school, said that girls should be silent before singling out the boys in the room and encouraging them to be strong.

Hard Knocks depicts Winston as an intelligent, talented, and vocal young leader — for his team, and for his community. I hope that’s who he really is. I’ll admit, though, that the Tallahassee Police Department’s negligence in investigating the allegation of rape against Winston, as reported by the New York Times, remains fresh in my mind. I don’t intend to make this a talking point every episode, but it’s only fair to acknowledge Winston’s history. Hard Knocks certainly won’t.

GERALD McCOY

McCoy, seen here arriving at camp in a dragon kimono, is not merely a a three-time All-Pro defensive tackle; he is also — through one episode of Hard Knocks — the nicest guy on the team. He feels awful about accidentally hitting Winston during practice (“They’re gonna trade me!”). He praises his teammates. He lightens the load of rookies carrying the veterans’ gear (“You gotta serve before you can lead”).

And if that’s not enough, he’s a doting father.

Singing a song about the items on your kid’s Gap pajamas is the single most relatable thing that happened for me in this episode (second place: Winston’s face when hearing about Marriott rewards). My blind spot as a human is a free pass for anyone I perceive to be a caring and attentive father, so McCoy could be a tax cheat and habitual drunk driver and I wouldn’t mind. He did bath time!

future large adult son

Also, I was going to issue a safety warning about children wearing necklaces to bed (it’s a choking hazard!), but look at that beefy boy. A mountain lion couldn’t take him down. He doesn’t have choking hazards.

DeSEAN JACKSON and MIKE EVANS

Whether they’re riffing on Jackson’s emoji-patterned sleeve or practicing daps, Evans and Jackson make good television. Despite their age gap — Evans said he used to play as Jackson’s team on Madden when he was younger — they have an easy, natural chemistry on-screen. Evans relayed the story of texting Jackson to recruit him during free agency; he didn’t realize that Jackson was already in the process of signing with the Bucs.

They’re great. And Hard Knocks is going to destroy any hope of you getting either of them at a fair value for your fantasy team.

Beard-growing: it’s not for everyone

The Front Office

GM: JASON LICHT

This is a scene where Licht talks to Mike Smith — last seen on Hard Knocks boring us to tears as the Falcons’ head coach — about the construction crew working on the Bucs’ new practice facility. And if you think a discussion between two middle-aged white guys about construction sounds boring, well, maybe you just haven’t seen enough construction montages.

HEAD COACH: DIRK KOETTER

Standard-issue NFL coach. I’m assuming Koetter was hired when the owner yelled, “Get me someone who looks like Pete Carroll!”

“We found a guy, but he’s super boring.”

“Great, write 30,000 word about him and put it on our website.”

COACH EMERITUS: JON GRUDEN

Say what you like about Mark Davis’s haircut, at least it’s an ethos.

Former coach Jon Gruden gets paraded around the staff and players this episode, ostensibly because he’ll be added to the Bucs’ Ring of Honor in December, but c’mon: the Tampa Bay brain trust has all the panache of a big bowl of mayonnaise. Gruden’s here to liven up the episode and show fans what a coach with enthusiasm is like. Heck, I bet a statue of Gruden would be more lively than Koetter.

Oh hey:

“He’s all yours, bounty hunter. Reset the chamber for Skywalker.”

This is the Tampa of sculpture. The E.J. Manuel of football art. I will never in my life see a tackier football sculpture than this atrocity in the Bucs’ football-shaped atrium. And buddy, I’ve seen Jerry Richardson striding confidently among panthers.

Players on the Fringe

EVAN PANFIL

Meet Evan Panfil. He’s trying to make the team as a lineman.

Okay, say goodbye to Evan Panfil. He got cut.

JEREMY McNICHOLS

McNichols is a dynamic running back who is nicknamed McWeapon because football players and coaches are extremely bad at nicknames. Back at the team hotel, McNichols receives guidance from his youth football coach, Snoop Dogg.

Snoop is the second-most passionate football coach in this episode — behind Gruden, but ahead of the statue of Gruden.

RILEY BULLOUGH

Bullough is an undrafted rookie linebacker who gets singled out in a team meeting by Koetter for being a good leader. At the rookie talent show, he is the only player who sings remotely well (his version of “679” is more soulful than Fetty Wap’s, not that the bar is all that high).

He denies looking like Joe Dirt.

Montages, deconstructed

Tuesday’s premiere featured a whopping SEVEN montages, which is a lot of montages even for the montage-iest show on television, which Hard Knocks most assuredly is. Were there low-angle shots of the grounds crew working during the golden hour? You know it!

What about aerial shots of the practice facility at sunset? OH HELL YEAH.

And players practicing in slow-motion? Did they have any of that? SO MUCH EPIC SLOW-MOTION THAT I FELL BACK IN LOVE WITH FOOTBALL AND SUDDENLY NEED THE SEASON TO START.

Montages, ranked

Practice montage, rainy — Slow-motion rain, man. That shit looks epic as hell.

Practice montage, sunny — The show’s first prolonged football action set to great music.

Off-day montage — Bonus points for a nod to The Big Lebowski.

DeSean Jackson montage — He’s fast.

Jameis Winston montage — He has good feet.

Dirk Koetter working the touchscreen depth chart montage — Only its brevity kept it from falling to last place.

Construction montage — I was as bored as the poor players sitting in that special teams meeting.

Sidelined

Top draft pick O.J. Howard was completely absent save for a moment when Riley Bullough broke up a pass intended for the rookie tight end ... Cornerback Brent Grimes and his outspoken wife Mika appeared only in the tease for next week’s episode ... Running back Doug Martin’s only job was moonwalking and shooing rookies offstage ... Roberto Aguayo and Nick Folk’s kicking battle looks slated for next week ... What does Lavonte David have to do to get some shine?

[junker-town]

‘Hard Knocks’ recap: Tampa Bay Buccaneers, Episode 1

Jameis Winston visited his childhood home, Gerald McCoy wore a dragon kimono, and Mike Evans and DeSean Jackson looked dangerous in the season premiere. Also: the Bucs coaching staff is super-boring.

Every year, “Hard Knocks” is an incomparable way to start the pro football season, unless the Rams are being profiled. At its heart, the series focuses on three different parts of a football team: the coach/front office, veterans/stars, and fringe players fighting for a spot on the team. Their stories are told with exclusive video and behind-the-scenes access, and polished with lightning-fast editing, time-lapse video of stadiums, and montages. SO MANY MONTAGES.

This year: the Tampa Bay Buccaneers. Let’s dive in.

Orientation

Let’s familiarize ourselves with the lay of the land:

Practice fields

New practice facility (under construction)

Team offices, maybe?

Strip clubs and real estate scams

Tacky-ass atrium for displaying sculptural abominations

Pirate ship dry dock

The biggest goddamn flag we could find. No! BIGGER, I said! GET ME A BIGGER FLAG

More strip clubs

The Star Players

JAMEIS WINSTON

When the NFL announced that the Bucs would star in this season’s “Hard Knocks,” my stomach churned. I wondered exactly how long it would take for the series to frame the young star quarterback in a positive light, given the history of sordid allegations he’s dodged due to his talent.

The answer: maybe 10-15 seconds after the credits ran. The show opens with Winston in his hometown of Bessemer, Alabama, returning to the simple low-slung house where he spent his early years. His childhood room is not a good room for a child.

“... and THIS bed was condemned by the state of Alabama.”

Winston also familiarizes the audience with the Coors Light graveyard on the side of the house where everyone urinates, pausing only to point out a cockroach on the steps of the porch. And whether you saw the episode or not, you definitely need this speech in its entirety.

“This area right here, this is basically where all the men pee when the bathroom is held up. So we would just stand right here— What’s up cockroach, you good? We just killed one. Aw, they matin’. No, she havin’ a baby. This cockroach havin’ a baby! The cockroach havin’ a baby, f’real. You see it? Look. This is Mother Nature at its best. I feel like the Crocodile Hunter, with roaches. But this, we just pee right here.”

It’s an undeniably charming, unscripted moment for a multimillionaire revisiting his old pissing grounds.

Later, while leading a football camp, Winston singles out the lone girl, celebrating her leadership. This is an improvement from last year, when Winston, while visiting an elementary school, said that girls should be silent before singling out the boys in the room and encouraging them to be strong.

Hard Knocks depicts Jameis Winston as an intelligent, talented, and vocal young leader — for his team, and for his community. I hope that’s who he really is. I’ll admit, though, that the Tallahassee Police Department’s negligence in investigating the allegation of rape against Winston, as reported by the New York Times, remains fresh in my mind. I don’t intend to make this a talking point every episode, but it’s only fair to acknowledge Winston’s history. Hard Knocks certainly won’t.

GERALD McCOY

McCoy, seen here arriving at camp in a dragon kimono, is not merely a a three-time All-Pro defensive tackle; he is also — through one episode of Hard Knocks — the nicest guy on the team. He feels awful about accidentally hitting Winston during practice (“They’re gonna trade me!”). He praises his teammates. He lightens the load of rookies carrying the veterans’ gear (“You gotta serve before you can lead”).

And if that’s not enough, he’s a doting father.

Singing a song about the items on your kid’s Gap pajamas is the single most relatable thing that happened for me in this episode (second place: Winston’s face when hearing about Marriott rewards). My blind spot as a human is a free pass for anyone I perceive to be a caring and attentive father, so McCoy could be a tax cheat and habitual drunk driver and I wouldn’t mind. He did bath time!

future large adult son

Also, I was going to issue a safety warning about children wearing necklaces to bed (it’s a choking hazard!), but look at that beefy boy. A mountain lion couldn’t take him down. He doesn’t have choking hazards.

DeSEAN JACKSON and MIKE EVANS

Whether they’re riffing on Jackson’s emoji-patterned sleeve or practicing daps, Evans and Jackson make good television. Despite their age gap — Evans said he used to play as Jackson’s team on Madden when he was younger — they have an easy, natural chemistry on-screen. Evans relayed the story of texting Jackson to recruit him during free agency; he didn’t realize that Jackson was already in the process of signing with the Bucs.

They’re great. And Hard Knocks is going to destroy any hope of you getting either of them at a fair value for your fantasy team.

Beard-growing: it’s not for everyone

The Front Office

GM: JASON LICHT

This is a scene where Licht talks to Mike Smith — last seen on Hard Knocks boring us to tears as the Falcons’ head coach — about the construction crew working on the Bucs’ new practice facility. And if you think a discussion between two middle-aged white guys about construction sounds boring, well, maybe you just haven’t seen enough construction montages.

HEAD COACH: DIRK KOETTER

Standard-issue NFL coach. I’m assuming Koetter was hired when the owner yelled, “Get me someone who looks like Pete Carroll!”

“We found a guy, but he’s super boring.”

“Great, write 30,000 word about him and put it on our website.”

COACH EMERITUS: JON GRUDEN

Say what you like about Mark Davis’s haircut, at least it’s an ethos.

Former coach Jon Gruden gets paraded around the staff and players this episode, ostensibly because he’ll be added to the Bucs’ Ring of Honor in December, but c’mon: the Tampa Bay brain trust has all the panache of a big bowl of mayonnaise. Gruden’s here to liven up the episode and show fans what coach with enthusiasm is like. Heck, I bet a statue of Gruden would be more lively than Dirk Koetter.

Oh hey:

“He’s all yours, bounty hunter. Reset the chamber for Skywalker.”

This is the Tampa of sculpture. The E.J. Manuel of football art. I will never in my life see a tackier football sculpture than this atrocity in the Bucs’ football-shaped atrium. And buddy, I’ve seen Jerry Richardson striding confidently among panthers.

Players on the Fringe

EVAN PANFIL

Meet Evan Panfil. He’s trying to make the team as a lineman.

Okay, say goodbye to Evan Panfil. He got cut.

JEREMY McNICHOLS

McNichols is a dynamic running back who is nicknamed McWeapon because football players and coaches are extremely bad at nicknames. Back at the team hotel, McNichols receives guidance from his youth football coach, Snoop Dogg.

Snoop is the second-most passionate football coach in this episode — behind Gruden, but ahead of the statue of Gruden.

RILEY BULLOUGH

Bullough is an undrafted rookie linebacker who gets singled out in a team meeting by Koetter for being a good leader. At the rookie talent show, he is the only player who sings remotely well (his version of “679” is more soulful than Fetty Wap’s, not that the bar is all that high).

He denies looking like Joe Dirt.

Montages, deconstructed

Tuesday’s premiere featured a whopping SEVEN montages, which is a lot of montages even for the montage-iest show on television, which Hard Knocks most assuredly is. Were there low-angle shots of the grounds crew working during the golden hour? You know it!

What about aerial shots of the practice facility at sunset? OH HELL YEAH.

And players practicing in slow-motion? Did they have any of that? SO MUCH EPIC SLOW-MOTION THAT I FELL BACK IN LOVE WITH FOOTBALL AND SUDDENLY NEED THE SEASON TO START.

Montages, ranked

Practice montage, rainy — Slow-motion rain, man. That shit looks epic as hell.

Practice montage, sunny — The show’s first prolonged football action set to great music.

Off-day montage — Bonus points for a nod to The Big Lebowski.

DeSean Jackson montage — He’s fast.

Jameis Winston montage — He has good feet.

Dirk Koetter working the touchscreen depth chart montage — Only its brevity kept it from falling to last place.

Construction montage — I was as bored as the poor players sitting in that special teams meeting.

Sidelined

Top draft pick O.J. Howard was completely absent save for a moment when Riley Bullough broke up a pass intended for the rookie tight end ... Cornerback Brent Grimes and his outspoken wife Mika appeared only in the tease for next week’s episode ... Running back Doug Martin’s only job was moonwalking and shooing rookies offstage ... Roberto Aguayo and Nick Folk’s kicking battle looks slated for next week ... What does Lavonte David have to do to get some shine?