#oh my god if theyre doing so much better or healthier about all this it means i AM a monster

[strawbebyjam]

if discord sends notifs when you leave groups or close dms. well i dont need or want to know that. thank u

[winderlylandchime]

1/2 We are finally at 4x11!! I’m sorry that I’m only now back in your inbox but unfortunately i am on a straight mans schedule lol. He also had a few rough days with his recovery this week so he’s just now getting back to his normal self (no joke, the doctor actually said to him ‘i can tell youre not okay because you haven’t said anything about that guy yet.’ So im glad to know that’s the way to test him now) and because he’s been feeling like shit until today, he was rewatching old episodes to feel “comfort”. Anyway: The episode starts with Drew refusing to do the shoot ‘ohhhh Brian looks good. I forgot about the early 2000s and everyone wearing popped collars that was fun, i should bring that back. so Drew is being a little bitch? Imagine telling Brian that youre shy in just your underwear. (The scene cuts to everyone in their underwear and the man is dying out of laugher) this is something only Brian would come up with. I fucking love this. Only Brian Kinney’ ‘I don’t know how I feel about Emmett and Drew. I hate the idea of Emy being kept a secret. My baby deserves better’ Lindsay and Sam just came on tv ‘FUCK NO! I FORGOT ABOUT THIS SHIT. Can he fuck off and can she…i dont know do something else besides piss me off?’ The whole time he’s watching the Linds/Sam scene with a grossed out expression on his face. Like he smelled something really bad. And we are at the Linds and Brian scene ‘shes CRYING ABOUT IT TO BRIAN?! It makes no sense and it makes all the sense but its funny because she also judges Brian at times. THEY FUCKED?! Why would Brian ever fuck her? Or any woman? Is that why she has such a weird crush on him? Are they learning about bisexuality? (brian says that one line) wait what? What do you mean not at the same time? I thought thats the whole bi schtick’ ‘michael as a dad is actually fun. I like him like this. HUNTER IS DATING?! Oh my god! Who’s the lucky guy? HUNTER HAS A BOYFRIEND’ and we are at the scene where Em and Deb go to the ball ‘ohhhhh girl you look beautiful! Carl, come on dump that girl and go back to Debbie! Now I want them back’ ‘Why are there bikes all over the club? What the fuck is going on? What the fuck is Liberty Ride? JUSTIN SHOWED HIS DICK FOR A THOUSAND DOLLARS! THIS IS THE MAN I LOVE! Why are Melanie and Ben always in the center of events and being in charge? Whats up with that? *looks at me all happily* this one time i got a medal for participating in a marathon because i accidentally joined them when i missed my path. So i could totally do this ride. THERES BRIAN! Ha, Brian hates this charity money dude. So does he hate anyone that thinks theyre better than him OR can he read people really well (Melanie comes up to ask if Brian is bothering that guy) can she fuck off? This is the type of shit that pisses me the fuck off about her.’ THE HUNTER BEING WITH A GIRL SCENE IS UP!!!! ‘Is that hunter? GET IT BOY! Finally he is being a teenager and making out with boys in a car safely for free…*said in a most shocking voice ever* GIRLS?! SHES A GIRLS?! Isnt he gay? Wait what? Is he bi? Is it a parallel with Lindsay like they both figure out theyre bi? (The girls says shes given blowjob twice) you cant tell me that a part of him isn’t fighting the urge to offer tips’ *pauses tv just as Mel and Linds are on screen* ‘ugh. Hey, how come Justin never worked with Lindsay at the gallery? Wouldn’t that make sense? Like him getting a job at a gallery would be fun. Basically what I’m saying is throw this whole Lindsay and that creep storyline away and give me Blondie making art’ ‘ITS BRIAN! He looks much more healthier. Looks like the radiation stopped kicking his ass or did they forget about that plot? *leans back and puts his hands behind his head* Brian IS thee most successful gay business man. Oh this dude really wants money. I don’t trust him. *looks at me* and yes, it is because Brian doesn’t trust him. Fuck this guy, he has no clue who he’s fucking with. DESTROY HIM BRIAN’

I’m sorry to hear he’s not been doing well! Watching comfort episodes of a show is legit a fan response to feeling under the weather.

Brian coming up with everyone being in the underwear is 100% hilarious and also something that would not ever happen today. Can you imagine, in 2023, the Me Too response to that scene?

“I hate the idea of Emy being kept a secret” I think he’s going to appreciate that Peter is gay.

Also, ughhhh that scene “not at the same time” like bisexuality exists and the biphobia on this show is so strong that rather than have Lindsay be bi, they turned her into a terrible person.

HA! And Hunter could have been bi too. There could have been an entire bisexuality story arc involving Lindsay and Hunter but the writers were cowards. Maybe he can write a fanfic about it!

He will get his way in S5 when Justin has a show at Lindsay’s gallery… and maybe he will wish he never asked about Justin being involved with Lindsay’s gallery. That turtleneck gives me violinist flashbacks.

I love the JUSTIN SHOWED HIS DICK FOR A THOUSAND DOLLARS, THIS IS THE MAN THAT I LOVE. And DESTROY HIM BRIAN.

[dreamquackity]

dude the fucking fandom is so fucking. god. fuck. jesus fucking christ. like ppl bitching about miraculous salt and all that shit is like - don't get me wrong it's irritating and fucked and stupid but like that shit is NOTHING compared to what we went through almost daily yk? i see people complaining about how bad it is in the fandom and how ridiculous people complaining about a literal kids' show is and i get that!! i feel that!! i understand you!! it's dumb!! i see it too! don't get me wrong about that!. HOWEVER. the amount of shit salters in this fucking fandom get up to is like - it's validly annoying but god it's literally nothing compared to how - like i feel like i'd be hard pressed to find another fandom that fucks with you mentally as much as that one. it was fun! it was good! it helped me through hard times! but dear. fucking. god. the bad was not worth the good. i just had no other good. and now i do so. i'm not as invested. thank fuck. i have other fandoms. thank fuck. it's fucking glorious. it's healthier. less fomo, less - every volatile emotion, less crazy people, it's lovely. i mean i still care about him and like his work but now i can simultaneously loop his EP and get work done, i can put videos off streams off, i can see people spamming about drama and not give a shit anymore because like - whatever happened is fucked up cos it always is (and this probably sounds like shitty but idc) and i feel bad for him but i'm not fucking up my fucking education and literally failing two classes because of stupid internet trolls causing drama that fucks with my mental health. god. (yes that actually happened. i was on track to being top in the class with both)

sorry that was a whole vent. basically i'm in a better place now that i'm only on the peripherals and it's great. what's funny is he literally got me to the peripherals bc the christmas streams made me feel happy enough to be able to stop relying on him like an addiction but it's been eight months and i feel like a recovered drug addict sometimes. recovered alcoholic who takes a sip of wine every now and then. lol. but like most drama in other fandoms doesn't faze me now bc like. yall have. no idea.

i get u anon........... it was way too exhausting being in that fandom. every fandom sucks esp if theyre big but boy oh boy. that shit was SOMETHING ELSE. im praying mlb lasts for me bc im really liking it here even tho parts of the fandom r getting like upset and leaving etc etc but well thats part and parcel of life im here and new people join every day and im looking forward to posting my fic even tho i know it will never be as popular as sadf and its a new fandom im writing for so theres this Fear

[thepoodlepack]

What's wrong with goldenpoodles? I'm genuinely curious because almost all of my dogs are mixed breeds and behave fine. So I'm curious if there's something else I'm missing

jeez this feels like bait but u kno what, you got me

alright, so it goes like this. the doodle really began with a guy in australia being like i need the temperament of a lab for a guide dog but these ppl are allergic to dogs, so i need a poodle bc they have hair, not fur. so he bred em together. years later he’s like damn that was a mistake.

now, why, exactly? alright so first of all he only needed that mix bc labs on average tend to adapt better to situations that are largely exclusive to service dog work than poodles do. i can go into what this means at a later date, but that’s basically how it is. but either way, people jumped on this creation and it kinda spiraled out of control. soon, poodles were being bred by everyone and every breed. suddenly, they were a marketing scam more then they were a dog breed.

oh theyre hypoallergenic! all of them, all the time cause zero allergies! look theyre so much better than poodles! theyre friendly and easy to train, not like poodles of course, just like labs! they’re better than labs bc none of them shed, ever! they’re super healthy bc breeding labs and poodles together wipes out all their health problems, of course!

lies, lies lies. the aussie guy, whose name i’m not going to look up bc i’m lazy but who you can find if you google creator of doodles, straight up says that even the first litter(s) of labradoodles he bred had puppies that the people he bred them for were allergic to. he very carefully tested the litter and the reaction the person had before placing a puppy that was not going to hurt them.

think of the punnet squares we all learned about in 5th grade science class. you draw the squares and one parent has two fur genes and the other parent has two hair genes and what do you get? well if you have four puppies, one might have hairhair and the next one might have hairfur and the next one might have furhair and the next one might have furfur. and so guess what? only hairhair pup is going to be the best choice for allergic people. additionally, you can see why the non-shedding thing can be bullshit, and that in particular is also a guessing game. you may be able to test allergy sufferers against the pups, but that does not necessarily mean they won’t shed. hairfur, for example, may be a good choice for some allergic people, but perhaps they’ve got just enough fur to shed anyway. also, lets look at salukis (and frankly, most long-haired sighthounds). salukis are still considered dogs with fur, not hair. they also still shed, even though it’s just a little. and yet they’re still considered good for allergy sufferers.

(ps poodles do actually shed. but they shed like humans shed. your hair comes out, doesn’t it? like, esp folks with long hair, aren’t people always complaining how you clog the shower drain? yeah, like that. ALSO obviously the situation is more complicated then super simple punnet squares and as an ex-groomer i have something to say about doodle coats but i’m going to save that for later, put a pin in it.)

oh and wait a hot minute there. i said best choice, didn’t i, not hypoallergenic. well, that’s because no dog is hypoallergenic. poodles, and a few other dog breeds, they have hair, like we do. but the thing is both humans and breeds with hair still produce the dander, though they’re different kinds. breeds with hair happen to produce the least amount possible that dogs can produce, which is why they’re a better choice for allergy sufferers, but that’s still not a guarantee. my roommate Dakota is allergic to dogs. if i don’t wash my dogs for an extended period of time (which has never happened, ever, in my life, idk what ur talking about), thus giving the chance for the dander my dogs still produce, he will have a very, very mild reaction when touching them. it can be countered by him washing his hands after touching them and also me just giving them a fucking bath, i need to stop forgetting, but still, there you go. ALSO people might not be allergic to dogs bc of their dander. they might be allergic to the saliva of dogs, which poodles or any other breed with hair still produces about the same as other dogs. so, yeah, not hypoallergenic, not at all.

the people who taut their hypoallergenic dogs for sale largely don’t do the testing required to check if they’re actually providing a dog to someone who won’t react to it. not acceptable at all.

so, labs are friendly and easy to train right? not at all like poodles, right? no. absolutely incorrect. some labs are friendly and easy to train. some labs, a lot of them when they’re puppies, are nightmare fuel. personally, i have a theory that everyone’s vision of labs in their heads are either a) service dogs or b) those old labs who are slightly pudgy (or morbidly obsess, which is a different topic) and who are graying in the face and just want to lounge around because they’re seniors now. alright, so here’s why thats bad. labs are a working breed. a retrieving breed. they’re supposed to be bulky and strong and driven. service dogs are highly trained, to a point that most pet dogs will never see, and if you see them with their actual disabled handler, they’ll probably be around 2.5 yrs of age and out of their most wild days. old labs are well. old. sleepy. maybe a bit achey. and well out of their most wild days. oh, and it’s the same type of thing with goldens by the way, the other most popular doodle type. poodles are also easy to train, especially if their parents have a decent temperament. they’re all about equal if you actually start training them when they’re puppies and just pay for some training classes, like everyone should. in the puppy classes i’m in right now, Euphoria is leaps and bounds ahead of doodles, goldens, and labs that are her age or older. I train her properly and she’s got amazing parents. that’s it, that’s the trick. not breed, not necessarily, and def not in this case.

I am once again going to say that labs and goldens are more often used as service dogs than poodles because of their adaptability, but it’s the ability to adapt to situations that most pet dogs will never have to worry about.

jeez this is a long post. i’ve still got more to cover too. alright, on to super healthy, or “hybrid vigor” as the nerds call it. uhh, it’s bullshit. thank u for ur time.

okay, but actually why on gods green earth would breeding two completely different breeds with little to no research make them super healthy? now i want to preface this with i’m (generally) pro-outcross projects. Euphoria’s dad is half mini poodle and half standard poodle, which isn’t technically an outcross bc all the variations are of the same breed, but if we’re going by genetic diversity alone minis and standards are different enough to actually be different breeds.

so, to be clear, outcrosses, given the proper thought and planning: good, results in healthier dogs (see: lua dals). randomly breeding two very different breeds together with no planning other than to sell the puppies to randos who won’t continue the outcross: bad. especially when you’re doing it to cash in and don’t health test at all, or don’t health test the major health problems with both breeds (if you’re doing an f2 breeding or anything like that). no the poodle’s health problems don’t get canceled out by the goldens or labs or whatever the other party’s health problems are, and vice versa. and yeah, i’ve looked at a lot of doodle breeder’s websites and yeah, most of them don’t health test at all, or at least don’t health test properly. do you know i own one doodle and currently live with another? yeah, i got them both from breeders and do you know how much health testing their parents got? if your answer is none, good job, you’ve been paying attention. in my defense, i was like 13, i didn’t know what i was doing.

alright, so those are the big points. this is kinda gonna be just... a mix of my other complaints. here we go, hope you’re ready for more. argument the first: i feel like it’s pretty disrespectful to reputable breeders. now, i actually have two reasons why that is. reason one: most reputable poodle breeders don’t want their breeding stock bred with other breeds, for various reasons. i’ve even met a few who used to be okay with it and then as the doodle scam got bigger and more out of control, they stopped being okay with it, even to the breeders who they had been fine with it in the past. that means a lot of doodle breeders out there have their breeding stock because they scammed poodle breeders into giving them pet quality, not breeding quality, dogs or because they’re getting their stock from non-reputable breeders. i also feel it’s disrespectful to breeders who are actually trying to create new breeds. quite frankly, a breed with the size, strength, and adaptability of a lab or golden that doesn’t shed and that has the train-ability of a poodle, lab, or golden sounds pretty interesting to me. did you know you can actually make that breed? and it wouldn’t be a cross with unpredictable... well, everything. it would actually be a true dog breed.

Look at Silken Windhounds and Biewer Terriers who began both development in the 1980s. Biewer Terriers were recognized by the AKC this year, and Silken Windhounds still haven’t been. And yeah, that’s the problem isn’t it? Making a real new breed takes a lot of time, planning, and care. People would rather just cash in. I think it’s sad and I think it’s disrespectful to the breeders who do work so hard to make actual new breeds.

and finally, unpin being an ex-groomer goddamnit. guess what? doodles are awful to groom! they’re terrible on the grooming tables because people want to have in both ways: they want a dog that doesnt shed at all and they want a dog who doesn’t need to be groomed. well guess what, that dog doesn’t exist and you can have it only one way. and also, bring back the goddamn punnet squares because a lot of doodles have awful coats. if you have hairfur and furhair over there, guess what, their coat fucking sucks bc it’s not meant to be like that. it wants to mat bc hair but also it wants the mats to slide out bc short-ish fur but its too thick for the mats to slide out bc thick hair. and yes its more complicated then this and that means its often more awful then this. its awful, it makes me want to cry. and maybe it’s slightly easier to get away with it with a shorthaired dog like a lab, or, you know what, even a golden, okay, even a slightly long haired dog like a golden but people are doodling akitas? border collies? bernese fucking mountain dogs? i am crying. i am crying right now as i type this.

lets do a sum up to this disaster of a post. look, i don’t go out there attacking or yelling at every doodle or every doodle owner i see, alright? or any of them really. i might engage in conversation to one that’s interested, but that’s it. i love my doodly Isis, okay? shes tiny and she’s adorable and I love her more than life and i will never, ever get another doodle. i don’t like the way they’ve gotten so prolific, i don’t like the reasons they’re now widespread, and i don’t like almost all of the people that create them, including the ones i’ve literally given my (parents) money to in the past. i wish they were better but i just cannot approve of them, especially not in the environment they exist in now. that said, i do support them in their original use case as assistance dogs, and i do not care about them if they’re shelter dogs.

[littlebabycrybtch]

tbh... we have absolutely FAILED ppl with ea/ting disor.ders so fucking unimaginably bad, especially the visibly underweight ones. and we are still failing them to this day by avoiding valuable education out of discomfort and demonization. its genuinely appalling sometimes, to see just how Dangerously ignorant ppl are about this shit. bros listen 2 me rn. you are not a doctor, and you are Not going cure an ed with your almost laughably ignorant and malicious ‘reverse psychology’ bit where you call someone an ugly skeleton knocking on deaths door whos body needs to be banned from instagram forever, because you’re just ‘so scared theyre gonna die’ or w/e so you can legit pretend they dont exist, holy fucking Shit dude. that shame-and-shun tactic is so unbelievably dangerous. like, if you knew Anything REAL abt these disorders or frankly any mental health issues and cared enough to apply that then you would understand how thats just... pure cruelty. im sorry to be blunt but yeah this isnt a joke, it needs to be said that you are easily going to KILL SOMEONE with that kind of unfiltered uneducated IGNORANCE. it is inexcusably selfish, harmful, and ableist behavior, we have to stop this already.

imo there’s a Lot to be said about the toxicity spiral thats become the pro recovery movement and how much it rejects and speaks over the people its Supposed to support, becoming more about ‘anti symptoms’ than pro anything, but if you are gonna understand Anything new today at least learn this;;; hating yourself at unhealthy is Never ever going to be the key to loving yourself at healthy. being ashamed of yourself FOR being unhealthy, will NOT make you healthier, it’ll make you worse every time. im not tryna be mean but honestly how the actual FUCK do yalls brains work, it is SO wildly damaging to let yourself perpetuate this type of mindset, and then still claim pro recovery or w/e like recovery doesnt have to start at unhealthy??? like itll just happen overnight??? like that’ll help??? like if ppl catch you displaying symptoms of the disorder you LITERALLY HAVE, you arent allowed to talk abt it in any form without intense open negativity towards it and yourself, so ppl know ur definitely totally against it tho and not enabling urself, bc if you dont talk abt ur shame and embarrassment for it that means you arent recovering and need a mob after you??? thats how you think people are gonna get better????

ffs dont try to viciously shame yourself out of bad habits and treat your disorders like taboo, respect and love yourself wholly, the good and the bad, if you want to form better habits!!! ppl NEED to be encouraged to love themselves at unhealthy if they ever want to improve. you are not going to accidentally make them worse by not constantly shaming all their ‘flaws’, they are not MADE of ‘flaws’. by showing support for the mentally ill, you are not fucking supporting their ‘symptoms’, you are a supporting THE FUCKING PERSON EXPERIENCING THEM. and you DESPERATELY NEED TO DO THAT!! there is MORE TO THEM than their symptoms! there are things to COMPLIMENT them on besides their body! its gotten to this point that like. ppl are actually Afraid of just being nice to ppl with eds. they dont even wanna treat them like Humans outside of their disorder, all they see is a disorder. everyone is just SO afraid of ‘enabling’ them by not being vocally against their symptoms that they avoid them like the plague and dont even try to build them up, which is what they fucking need more than anything dude!! 

ppl think refusing to ever let an underweight person feel pretty or love their body where they are at is what they need and will force them to recover, or they think giving them goals like ‘you’ll be so much happier with a bigger body’ and ‘keep going one day you wont look so sick’ is at all different than their own internal dialogue, when the Truth (that people need to fucking know by now!), is that shame with mental health is incredibly dangerous, eds are diverse but theyre most often rooted in starvation as a form of self harm from an unwavering self hatred and feeling of failure or lack of control, one they already have deeply ingrained and will usually feel at Any Size, which is why so many feel unsatisfied and keep going and going till they die. the answer to this problem isnt gonna be inflicting more fucking self hate or pressure. thats gasoline on a fire. you cannot just try and. UNO REVERSE CARD THE ~RULES~ OF THEIR FUCKING MENTAL DISORDER and expect RECOVERY... oh my god dude, please, id laugh out loud if this wasnt so malicious.

listen, if you wanna help, like actually Care about Helping the way you claim the root of your attitude is, you need to make that person feel like they can love themselves, not try to make them ‘realize’ how ‘bad’ they are and how uncomfortable and scared they make you and how Not Allowed their behavior is, bc 1. body dysmorphia is a delusion,,, denial is a common association with addictive/self destructive behaviors,,,, you are going about it wrong if thats the first thing you try to accomplish, and 2. whether you like it or not ‘bad’ is gonna be your first checkpoint! who would be motivated to get better when all you’re doing is giving them an already failing grade and pushing them back??? 

you’re all just... so paralyzed by ignorant fear every time you interact with someone with an ed bc you are so fucking detached from it as a concept, but you wont LEARN how to BEHAVE AROUND THESE PPL! LIKE! and then you claim you act this way ‘because you care'. ok then why do you feel like you dont have to listen or learn??? why dont you see these tactics as needlessly cruel when its explained??? bc oh you cant ‘’’’’trust’’’’ ppl with eds to tell You how to help Them, right??? they’re probably lying, you know better than them ofc. smhhh, every other mental illness community gets to speak for themselves to the ppl without their experiences and therefore the ability to hurt them, sure, but not the sneaky ed people, they created pr.0/a.na/, (the ONLY existing space for encouraging mentally ill ppl in self destructive behaviors, obviously), so they dont know what they need, they have to be Told by Normal people bc their irrational brains are Just Too Broken. (/s)............ like.............?? it is Sooo fuckin prejudiced and disgusting tbh. we gotta do better than this. 

eds are almost completely left out of communities for mental health these days. its seriously so disappointing. if you ACTUALLY ‘care’, then ok you need to swallow your pride and do better, you need to Listen and not let your personal discomforts (genuine triggers excluded!) with their appearance or behaviors get in the way of how humanized and committed your decent treatment of their disorder is. tbr, sometimes you arent just ‘concerned’ about a person, sometimes how you go about your feelings is rooted in your inner urge to validate your own discomforts with them, which means it might end up more about you than about them, which hurts them. i mean for the love of god, these ppl are not ‘irresponsible’ for existing around others with their ~unhealthy bodies~, they are not a walking trigger and cant be treated like one, they arent contagious, they will not benefit mentally from hearing you say you think they should be physically banned from posting selfies or w/e, that isolation WONT prevent eds from ~~~spreading~~~ and will severely harm the person in question, you are not making a heroic decision to try and bully them away to ‘save’ others from ever being around them or save them from being around an “enabling” (supportive recovery/not shameful) community. you are not ‘fixing’ them by making them hate their underweight bodies. you’re LITERALLY just ignorant and prejudiced and ableist, your ideas are actually Very harmful, you are not a savior, you are making it worse, plain and simple. Please just start doing better already, its kind of a life or death situation here

[ask-the-party-god]

Ask The Party God - Timeline

the pre-terezi-gang timeline post is here

height references over here

hi, im jade! everyones favorite party goddess and trans doggy girl~ but you already know that! if youre reading this, it means youre interested in learning more about my reality, because paradox space is fucking weird like that and you cant really be sure all the time

as far as im aware, everything up to the point where we beat the game happened without deviations from the alpha timeline? so this is what rose has talked about as a ‘terminal timeline’, or ‘post-canon’, or whatever the hell that is supposed to mean

we got to earth-c, and i settled in the troll kingdom because trolls are cool, dave and karkat were in the neighborhood, and the caverns are close by so i can visit rose and kanaya speedily as well! i still do have my old tower out on an island, with my workshop and garden, but i almost never sleep in it, too far away and isolated from everyone...

then one day i found this old active server in the furthest ring keeping tumblr active and i thought, hey, why not have some fun? ;D

as for the others...

my darling sis june egbert! she lives in the consort kingdom, but has been thinking about relocating elsewhere lately! she went through a rough patch right after the game, unsure of what to do and full of all sorts of doubts and questions, but shes doing a lot better nowadays! specially now that terezi is back, shes been a lot more peppy and hanging around with the lalondes particularly!

rose rose rose rose~ happily married to her wife kanaya, duh, but that doesnt make her any less of a flirty cutie! a while back she got really sick for a bit, and weve been keeping an eye on her just in case it happened again, but its been all good ever since! she helps kanaya at the caverns a bunch, which makes her schedule busy busy... and you didnt hear this from me, buuuut words out on the street that she and kanaya may be warming to the idea of having a kid! <3 well see how that goes!

one cool dude~ daves a little bit of a shut-in honestly! and honestly i dont blame him? he must be tired after all the timeline and time travel shenanigans, so he spends a good chunk of his time hanging out in his and karkats house! hes kind of awkward about opening up with feelings and stuff, and ive been trying to nudge him to be more open for a while! but with all the craziness thats been going down lately, and more people coming and going and getting together, hes starting to consider things he hadnt before~ hopefully, some specific someones? ;)

janey! my uh... ecto-mom, technically, although we see each other more like cousins than anything else! she still owns crockercorp, but ever since jasprose has been around, she has been spending a lot more time at home and just hanging out with her friends, which really, sounds a lot healthier than the big business thing she had going on a while back! she enjoys teaching me baking stuff, but doesnt have much patience for my decorating skills ;p

grandpa! and grandson technically, hehe, jakes kind of a weird case, hes a mixture of a shut-in, a celebrity and an adventurer! he can spend up to weeks at a time without leaving his manor, but then hell have full weeks of interviews and hiking, and thats not to say anything of when he and dirk put out another episode or two of their dumb comedy talkshow... hes often busy with stuff, but hes still a good pal and can clear his schedule in seconds if we need him for something!

one sweet nb dude! rox really is... something else, really! fun to tag along at a party, fun to chill at home playing games, fun to talk about more serious stuff and open up with him, he really is just solid as they come! hes been hanging out a lot more with june since she got out of her depressive slump, but sometimes i wonder if junebug finds weird to get flirty with roxy, considering im pretty sure we made out in front of her at some point or two... hehehe

dirk! if daves a bit of a shut-in, hes a shut-in times two, which is weird because youd think someone stuck in post-apocalyptic earth for so long would want to hang out more? not to say he DOESNT, though! hes around jake often enough, and keeps close to jane, roxy and dave specially! we dont see each other too often, but we HAVE been messing around with robots and planning out to upgrade our respective self-bots for funsies!

aradia! we only met briefly in dreams for the longest time, but i knew already that she was a riot! she came with terezis group after she finally found vriska, and seems pretty happy just... kind of... being around and watching shenanigans ensue! i actually dont know where she lives, but she drops by occasionally, because im apparently pretty ‘fun’... cant say i disagree ;)

sollux is blind, and not dead, and WILL kick you in the shins if you keep prying about how exactly he ended up like that, which is fair enough! he spends a good chunk of his time with aradia, and im not sure if theyre dating or not...? but hes been around the other trolls a bunch! specially kanaya, apparently theyre good friends that go way back! i guess they both DO style their hair similarly, with the side spike thingies...

the other half of the dave-kat duo! swooooon~ really though, i cant remember the last time i said “dave” or “karkat” without talking about the other shortly after... buuut theyre just roomies, and hell get awkward and grumpy if you even so slightly IMPLY otherwise, despite the fact everyone knows they fall asleep leaning against each other during friday movie night! roooolling my eyes~ with the rest of the living trolls having arrived, hes been a lot more willing to go outside, which im glad for! its healthy to get some fresh air from time to time, and specially hang out with friends!

oh-la-la, miss maryam-lalonde herself! kanayas the matriarch of the caverns, and quite the busy gal, having taken it upon herself to supervise her entire species reproduction and well-being... in my opinion, she needs a good vacation from time to time, and to be less of a workaholic! >:o ive been helping her occasionally in the caverns, and as of late weve begun trying to mess around with ectobiology for some troll-human crossing experiments with... not good results so far... but hey, rome wasnt built in a day!

terezis back, yes! after spending YEARS out there looking for vriska, she managed to find her and come back, the madwoman! personally im not sure why anyone would go to such lengths for... her... but also, its not my bond, not my place to speak, she obviously really loves her a bunch! with vriska no longer lost in the middle of the furthest ring, shes started to catch up with everything going on with earth-c, and i think shes really going to like being around! specially with how much june and the rest have missed her ;)

troublemaker extraordinaire herself! shes... well, shes vriska, im pretty sure she stole that eyepatch from sollux? so you just know she up to no good already >:/ speaking of her eyepatch, im not sure WHY shes wearing it? whatever kinda wound she got, she doesnt like mentioning it, despite bragging about defeating english at every chance she gets! terezi says they found her popping in and out of consciousness in the furthest ring with some messy wounds, and that shed probably been hovering out there after the fight for years... doesnt seem to have humbled her in the slightest <.<

callieeeee! theyre super sweet and wonderful but also really shy and awkward! they live with roxy but manage to outdo dirk in terms of shut-in-ness... they also totally like roxy but is unsure about approaching those feelings considering the whole species thing and whatever, ive been trying to get them to open up for a while now! weve written fanfic together and drawn grids, so i can definitely tell theres some attraction there, even if theyre afraid of acting upon it just yet <3

jaspie is roses bane, and the one cat that made me get used to their smell enough that i dont bark at them instantly anymore! im pretty sure she crashes at janes often, and is just as outgoing and flirty as i am around earth-c parties and bars, which is saying something honestly! i wont let her dethrone me as the party god, though >:)

and finally davepeta! theyre staying with june for the time being until they can get settled around and see what they want to do here! theyve also dropped by dave and karkats a bunch, which i most certainly dont mind! i definitely appreciate some help in bringing a romantic vibe into those twos lives~ ;o

and thats about it! theres also the nannasprites and tavrosprite and arquius, but they pop by so sporadically and rarely that i dont know what theyre doing a majority of the time... we lost track of gamzee after the session so hopefully hes totally gone, and we havent heard any message from caliborn in years... and with the furthest ring broken and the black hole sealed, leaving a weird white empty space right in the middle of reality, im not sure what our chances of bringing back the other trolls are :( but still, we keep living on happily over here and having our fun slice of life ending together!

id say after everything weve gone through, we deserve a big break, dont we? hehehe <3

also, particularly important events that happen and are recorded in this blog will be tagged as timeline shenanigans!

[fairycosmos]

tried to kill myself last week n slept it off for 24+ hrs before telling my mom. she couldnt take me to the hospital bc we don’t have insurance n my case manager ended up calling dcs /: (ill be 17 next month) rn i feel like theyre waiting for me to say myself i dont wanna live here rather than just removing me bc technically i am safe but im not ready to do that even tho i know i should let them find me help. i feel like theyre waiting for me to mess up to decide themselves. i just feel lost man

oh god, i’m sorry for the late response and that you’re in this position at all, man :( i literally cant imagine how difficult everything must feel right now, and i dont blame you at all for being lost. most 16 yo olds are, but add something like this into the mix, and it’s no surprise that you’re feeling so conflicted and hurt all of the time. i know it hurts to process such vitriolically negative emotions, but it’s also a normal human response. imo, what the real focus should be on, is doing what you can to cope in a healthy or safe way. even if some days, that just looks like crying in your room and waiting for it to pass. but anyway, i want to say that i’m genuinely glad you’re still here, and i hope that one day you can feel that way too. it’s wonderful that you’re alive, and the world would be missing something if you were gone. even if you dont know it right now, and even if you can’t see it in this moment, there is so much growth and positive change waiting in your future. it’s actually inevitable, and nobody really tells you that when you’re a teenager, but it’s kinda true from what i’ve observed. the natural progression of things, the natural process of growing up, makes things feel a lot more manageable. that probably doesn’t feel like a real train of thought to the present day you, but honestly even in the 3 yrs since i was 16, the entire basis of my perspective has changed. especially bc as an adult you’re able to control so much more of your life and the mental health resources that are available to you. it’s all waiting for you, and it’s nothing to be scared of. you dont have to know what to do next and you dont have to have a solid concrete plan. i’m not sure that they’re waiting for you to ‘mess up’, because trying to do what’s right for your own health doesn’t count as ‘messing up’, whatever you decide is okay. it’s a really hard decision to make and i totally understand why you don’t know where to begin. but i think it could help to just have an honest conversation with yourself about what you really need in terms of where you live. try to block out judgement and what you ‘think’ you should do.  where do you see yourself thriving, where you do see your needs being met? where do you see improvement, and guidance? are you able to work with your case manager to figure out some sort of middle ground, some sort of compromise? i get that actually taking such a step is way way easier said than done, but you can take it at your own pace over the course of the next two years while you figure out what would be best for you.

i know you said you don’t have healthcare, and i’m not entirely sure how things work where you are. but do you think it’s possible that there could be a support group for young people in your area, or a mental health center/crisis team, literally anything at all that could lend you some support? maybe you could talk to your case worker about this, too? there could also be someone at school available, like a counselor or even just a teacher you trust. another option is to call a mental health hotline to see what they think your options are. and i know these ideas sound vague, and like theyre impossible to take seriously, but i’d really appreciate it if you gave them some real thought. it’s alright to be scared, but the fear of reaching out literally doesn’t compare to the fear of staying silent and letting this get worse on your own. mental health conditions are just as serious as physical ones and sometimes they need genuine medical attention in order to learn to live with them, and that’s absolutely alright. having someone to talk to who is trained to offer you the tools you need can really make a massive difference. they’ll be able to advise you on what the next step should be, in terms of your personal development. initially saying that you need help out loud is the worst part, sometimes you have to force the words out....but it still counts, every small effort does. i just want you to know that a better future is possible and is much more likely than the awful one you’re envisioning, no matter where you go from here. if you’re unable to receive professional help at this time, then i hope you’re able to engage in healthier coping mechanisms anyway even if they don’t work every time. i’ll leave some links that may be helpful to you when you’re in a low moment. not saying they’re supposed to fix everything, but they’re supposed to calm you down and give you some clarity so you dont make an impulsive decision. i promise you’re capable of pulling yourself back from the brink of sadness, and i promise you’re capable of getting through this. every day you survive, you’re learning how to make it all feel lighter someday. i wouldn’t say any of this if i didn’t believe in you. despite my extremely limited perspective of your life, i can see that you’re smart and you’re young and you just want to find some stability.  the more you focus on yourself and your own well being, even when you want to self destruct, the calmer things will seem. so like i said before, take all the time you need to consider the choices available to you, and then try to get through each day as it comes. if that feels like too much, one hour. minute by minute is more than good enough. im proud of you for surviving and for being the person that you are. if you ever need a friend or if you want to talk, i’ll be here. you’re not as alone as you want to believe, and so many people can relate to your circumstances because they’ve gotten through it. you will, too. you dont have to have it all figured out, that’s not your responsibility. you just have to keep trying and working with what you’ve been given. im rooting for you.

https://www.healthyplace.com/blogs/speakingoutaboutselfinjury/2018/11/immediate-coping-mechanisms-for-self-harm

https://www.helpguide.org/articles/depression/teenagers-guide-to-depression.htm

 https://www.healthista.com/15-daily-self-care-tips-help-depression/

https://bebrainfit.com/stress-management-techniques/

[faunusrights]

OFFAL HUNT REMASTERED LIVEBLOG // CHAPTER 22

IN THIS EPISODE OF SURPRISINGLY TENDER TENDERNESS:

It had her soul by a hook, a barbed arrow digging into her flesh, gouging her bloody the more she tried to escape it.

JUST KIDDING

okay i’m just gonna HOP RIGHT IN if u dont mind me cause we in it now and i DON’T have time to catch you all up go read the fic!!!!!!!!!!!! DONT ASK ME SHIT

A direct line suited her better. From up here, with only the rain between her and the sky, the path ahead was so clear. The tether was a straight line.

a gaydar so refined it comes with its own overlay. sweet.

the planet below her resisted, no matter how she insisted

even when she persisted? 

She pushed, and the force released like a broken dam, propelling her body away from the unyielding world beneath it—she leapt, high into the air, and it was like flying. With huge bursts of Aura, she cushioned her falls and leapt again, from rooftop to rooftop, making a straight line across the city.

can u imagine yr in umbraroot having a grand old time minding yr own business and then u see Very Famous Tenured Professor of Beacon Academy, Glynda Goodwitch, pinging herself across the sky? nobody would believe u. do u think it’d b on the news.

The rain fell hard. It was pitch dark. Glynda had the phantom of a scent: like the last breath of a campfire before it died, like a kinder version of the acrid stench of Grimm, Cinder’s trail was clear as day to her. She was getting close; she could sense it, like blood on the wind.

ISNT THIS NOSTALGIC,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, wow. its like glynda’s abt to ruin vale’s infrastructure all over again,

If Cinder was in a fight, this rain would muzzle her. Glynda remembered it vividly: how frustration tainted Cinder’s face in Forever Fall, how her fire sputtered and died. Even Cinder would lose her edge here, in this cold downpour. If she was in trouble—if she—

remember when glynda realised this for the first time and was like ‘hoho’ only now its made a thousand times worse because u have a crush emotions r hell and yr in the soup now!!!!!!!!!!! YR IN THE SOUP NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

She almost ran right past Cinder—might have missed her entirely, if not for the painful yank at her own soul.

did cinder just hit the ground like a wet grape

“Don’t touch me!” Cinder’s voice was raw. She snarled the words out like a cornered animal and lashed out with one arm, hitting Glynda’s hand away. The other arm was limp, still tucked to her chest.

BE GENTLE WITH KITTY,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, lure her ass out w/ some shrimp on a string,

She shook like a frightened fawn under Glynda’s touch, ratchet tense and wholly spent of strength.

i cannot even describe how many of these scenes i am seeing so vividly in my head and my GOD do i wish i were better at sequential art cause i want to draw them ALL........................ I WANNA DRAW OUT THIS WHOLE THING!!!!!!!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAA

god i cant like. TALK ABT THIS SCENE WITHOUT COPY-PASTING THE ENTIRE THING BUT AAAAAAAAAA god. GOD. i just. phew. PHEW. its REAL TENDER. GLYNDA PICKING CINDER UP LIKE A LIL GRAPE AND wait diesel is this the thing you drew art of. diesel. diesel look at me is this that art--

Her fingers bunched in Glynda’s shirt. They were drenched and cold and Glynda hurt so much inside for her—whatever had happened to Cinder this night had destroyed her, that much was clear.

/sips drink see if i were an asshole id say hoohoo the karma but as i am not i say only this: babey 😔

If they recognized her name, they were determined to act normally when arranging the room she asked for.

“hey didn’t we just see her ping across the city a couple of hours ago--” “greg don’t even ask”

“I don’t want to talk about it,” Cinder mumbled. “Leave me.”

“I won’t.”

ough,,,, directly in the kokoro i see

The shower was a collaborative effort; Glynda inspected for injuries while Cinder sat in the tub, warm water pelting down on them both.

other slowburns when they share a shower: hoohoo,,,,,,,, the tension,,,,,,,,, the s k i n offal hunt: what if you got in the shower with yr ex-enemy,,,,,,,,,, to inspect her wounds,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, and you were both girls 😳

Glynda gently roused her own, pressing a tender flow of it through her palms, offering it to Cinder.

Cinder’s Aura was hollow and hungry. Her soul lapped up everything it was offered. Cinder leaned back slightly, like that would help the boost go through faster; or maybe like all she wanted was a kind touch. She didn’t look back. Slowly, the various cuts and scrapes that littered her body erased themselves.

i am loving this mirroring which you probably already guessed but im like wriggling in my chair abt it all,,,,,,,,,,,,,, THIS GAY SHIT. FUCK YEA. FUCK YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEA

She turned off the shower and stepped out, gathering up the biggest towels she had found, bundling Cinder up in one and fluffing her hair again. This time the white towel came away clean. Cinder peered out owlishly, her face a far healthier color despite the purple bruising that remained around her eyes, telling plainly of her weariness.

OKAY straight up that description is so cute i physically clapped a hand to my mouth and went ‘AWUGH’ because BABY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! B A B Y

There was a gulf between them in the hotel bed.

It wasn’t at all like their nights at Cinder’s house. This was closed off. Distant. A thousand questions and answers hung unspoken in the air, heavy like the rain clouds themselves. The two of them were warm and dry, but not much else. There was little comfort to speak of.

see the real slowburn experience is having progress and losing that shit again. we take one step forwards and two back. u get the HIGH and then u get the real low but rn i hope cinders round face smiles once again. nobody who looks that baby like should ever b so sad and thats a fact 😔

Cinder, in her sleep, started crying again. It came and went in disconnected pieces, until she finally cried herself awake, startling out of her dreams.

i sent this crying cat in response to the update announcement but i never knew how real it was until now

again there’s a whole ass section where i cant pick one bit cause its ALL good but GOD this fucking. whole silent conversation theyre having. OUGH. THE SOULMATES.

When Cinder didn’t answer the question, Glynda held one arm out, lifting the blankets between them. “Cinder.”

Glynda didn’t know which surprised her more: that she had offered, or that Cinder accepted.

OH???????????

She settled quietly, face pressed into Glynda’s collarbone, her breath flitting warm over scar-marked skin. Glynda’s arm, curled around her back, weighed her down. Cinder did not hold on to her in return. She was folded up around herself, fitting into the space Glynda had made for her, taking to warmth and shelter like an abandoned child.

OH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ;w; 

also whuh-oh:

The fear was eating her alive, and bit by bit, her skin seemed to unravel, every layer of her body sloughing off into just meat, rent through by that light—it felt like teeth, like destruction, like being twisted apart in some giant’s hands like an insect having its wings pulled out. It held fury like she had never felt. She quailed before it, and it bared its teeth, black tar and grave-rot spilling from between yellowed fangs.

Glynda tried to close her eyes, to look away, to run away, but it seized her like a bear trap sinking its jagged teeth into the wrong prey, snapping a much more fragile deer bone with ease. It sieved her being out from between her ribs, drinking only the cacophony of her soul, lapping up every part of her inheritance—all the while she was fighting, struggling helplessly in its grasp, her mind mere shatterings of bright-red pain, with only slivers of meat and fragments of bone remaining of her body—torn apart by lances of sunlight, burning like fire, a dawn that came with the sound of a scream.

firstly: 👈😎👈

secondly: do i gotta say how i love how visceral this fic is? i say it like in every liveblog. BUT IM SAYING IT AGAIN FOR GOOD MEASURE. IM SAYING IT AGAIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It was coming. It would destroy her. With ease, with relish, it would tear her still beating heart from her chest and discard it, offal from the slaughter—and then it would dig deeper still, to draw out of her that very engine that kept her moving.

is this the closest we’ve gotten to an almost title namedrop?

Glynda stared through the darkness, seeing nothing, but knowing without a doubt that her gaze pointed north like a compass.

HRM............................................. I N 👈 T E R 😎 E S T I 👈 N G

THATS CHAPTER 22 BABEY. it was VERY good. i mean rip cinder’s whole ass but i do love her. i love this evil baby. i also love glynda picking her up with all the effort of picking up a bag of crisps,

[incorrect-hs-quotes]

Why doesn’t mod Dave (I think) like Davekat? I’m not trying to be all “omg that’s homophobic” just curious

oh nfdkgjdj youre good! i gotcha lmao

im gonna put this under a read more cause i KNOW this is gonna get long. i know a lot of you ship davekat and yallre valid as hell but i just. Dont ship it and if you dont wanna scroll past all this then blacklist “long” or “anti davekat”

but if youre curious then. h. here we go

-mod dave

so first things first, again, im not shitting on any davekat shippers personally. hell i think the OTHER two mods of this blog ship it and i know that a whooooole ton of you guys do too. i love yall, this is just how i see davekat itself

to me though its just. not.. a substantial ship. yknow? and to top it all off i have the humongous fucking aroace headcanon that ive pinned to dave since he first showed up in the comic anyway

first things first my headcanon plays into the matter. i saw a lot of myself in him since i started reading in 2015, a lot of his phrasings and the way hed skitter around talking about love for like half the comic was a HUGE and RELATABLE thing for me. i get that a gay kid could also easily do those things the same reason an aroace kid could, not knowing how falling outside of “ThE nOrM” would go, sure, but. me kin id ya know

he didnt understand quadrants at all and refused to talk about them when the other kids did understand, or at least were interested in the topic. dave? completely shut it down like the second it was brought up. and oh god when itd get to specifically HIS quadrants? remember that whole entire memo when karkat told him and john not to talk to vriska and terezi anymore? literally dave the whole time “okay are we done. can we not. can we not. are we done. oh my god. great next”

so with all the instances like that going down my headcanon was born. and holy hell is that motherfucker hard to drop

dealing with actual dave ships in general? almost all of them are either broken off asap or skitted around without actually talking about them at all, minus like an off-hand mention or two. example: the three year trip. davesprite breaks up with jade for a reason implied to be “hes not the real dave” and thats it. cmon now

pre retcon meteor trip. sure terezis in the mix but again we never really get any actual substance in the comic. we get “DID DAVE BREAK UP WITH YOU?” once from karkat to terezi during openbound. and to tie this all back into davekat? pre retcon davekat doesnt.. happen. at all. its just two bros being dudes. hell they end up dropping the terezi quadrant notion anyway by the time they get to the alpha session

POST RETCON. suddenly vriska shows up and theyre… magically in a relationship

i get they had other things to focus on when vriska wasnt there yeah. but if rosemary can be a consistent factor, drunk rose or sober rose, vriska or no vriska, then shouldnt davekat, a ship implied to be the mlm equivalent to rosemary, have done the same thing? terezi was still there and its a little unrealistic that vriska took up so much of terezis time that dave and karkat would go “oh.” and just drop her altogether

and even after the retcon the only romantic thing that even happens between dave and karkat is a lot of other people going ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) at them, assuming thats whats going on, with no actual confirmation from either party. that and the fact that karkats last line off dialogue was “I HOPE HE’S OKAY.” worrying about dave. 

like. SHIT i hope SOLLUX is okay but you dont see me head over heels with a romantic crush on the dude do you ?? i GUSH about the fucker but i can assure you all i aint any less aromantic than before yall knew how much i appreciate a good captor

my whole point is davekat is written like it was a last minute add in solely as a nod toward mlm when there were so many other better suited people with a history and chemistry and personalities that actually could have fit together. JOHNKAT fit together. yall remember johnkat? or there could have been a dirkjake revival that focused on dirk bettering himself and them working toward a healthier relationship. or maybe tavros could have stayed alive and he and gamzee could have gone in further in whatever direction they kind of went in. we could have even had a canon kismesisitude between sollux and eridan, or- hear me out- a fuckin. CANON PALE DAVESOL if his ass STAYED ON THE METEOR,

long story short, i dont like davekat as a ship cause its rushed as hell and i self project on anything that resembles me in the least and thank you for coming to my ted talk

[tumblunni]

Me in the hospital: i cannot sleep for 24 hours, the slightest noise is blaring, i am perpetually anxiety adrenaline

As soon as i get home: has the best sleep of my life

I usually take an hour to get to sleep each night but i totally just curled up like a snail and dropped into dreamland instantly. And i woke up to a nice warm house cos the heating turned on while i was asleep, and now all the anesthetic is completely worn off so i feel energized and great! And my throat pain has eased up so thankfully i wont have to be liquids only for as long as i thought. I was all hyperactive and cooked a great fancy omelette and it tastes like heaven itself! Its so weird how stuff tastes slightly diffetent when its the first time youve been able to chew with the right side of your mouth in five years. I guess the tastebuds on the sides of your tongue are slightly different? When i eat everything now im gonna be rolling it all over my mouth like WOW ITS ALL SO NEW AGAIN! Will probably look nuts in the middle of mcdonalds with my cheeks puffed like a squirrel XD

Oh and this is also a great excuse to drink loads of chocolate milkshakes from my milkshake viking mug! I feel so energized with calcium and yums!! EVERYTHING TASTES SO NEWWWWWWW

Oh man i do feel a bit sleepy again now after just being up for a few hours tho. I have these good jaw pain specific medicines i have to take for the next two weeks til my followup appointment to check if theres any infection left. But man i feel SO ALIVE AGAIN im pretty sure all the rot is gone! It feels so wild having space in my mouth and not constant clenchy tightness. It actually hurts less recovering from the surgery than it did before, lol! I can feel all my teeth moving apart again and loosening up into normality and the gums healing up all their injuries and oh god i just love how they cleaned out all the broken parts of my teeth and capped them with these great replacements that look so real you'd never be able to tell! My smile looks not ugly!! My smile looks not ugly!! Aaaaa! I just expected regaining the right side of my mouth, i didbt expect to e like "holy shit it must have hurt even more than i realized cos this feels so amazing now". Like i guess i got used to putting up with it and forgot how it felt to not have painmouth? Underestimated how good a teeth can be! And man i never asked for reconstructive cosmetic stuff too but they did these caps and aaa my teeth never looked his good even when they were new!! My front teeth were always crooked even before they did the weird balogna slam together and shattered into a pile of crap. And now they look like perfect supermodel teeth!! The only side effect is that its a lil hard to get used to the lack of gaps between them now after so long dealing with the shattered mess. My tongue keeps being like "oh no did something get stuck in the gaps again oh wait there arent any" and then i subconsciously try to clean them after taking every bite and just bite my tongue instead. Man i never noticed i picked up a bunch of weird mannerismd cos of tje bad teeth! I was constantly paranoidly checking my mouth 24/7 in case the slightest thing made it even worse, and eating super gently so that nothing accidentally touched the Wrong Tooth and set off a jolt of pain. And i actually needed to get a filling put in on the leftmost back tooth that was the ONLY TOOTH I COULD USE TO EAT WITHOUT PAIN for all this time! Overuse of it meant that it got ground down a little and probably would have become painful too if i'd left it any longer. Then i really would have been all soups all the time and that sucks!! Soups are good but nothing but then gives u stomach issues. The bad poops!!

Man sorry im rambling so much im just so hyper and happy and also still kinda dopily sleepy! Im not still delirious or anything i just feel the happy kind of sleepy where the anesthetic is all gone and its not "oh god i cant stay awake" and more natural sleepyness of a long day being over and everything being okay. I had such a good long nap and i feel well rested after getting so little sleep beforehand due to all the dumb anxiety. And i still feel dozey but happy doze~

Anyway its awesometo be able to really chug and crunch a foods! With the other side of my mouth i forgot about! And taste milkshake to its fullest extent!! Oh and whats weird is that the reconstructive surgery capping on my front teeth means that theyre kinda one tooth now? The caps are all linked in a single piece to fill the gaps fully without even the natural ones you'd have on healthy teeth. So its like a solid tooth guard just sculpted to look like three teeth. Itll be tricky to train myself out of thts subconcious rubbing the gaps with my tongue when theyre not even there. But i expect once i get over the unfamiliarity this triple cap will be really useful! Theyre totes reinforced so that even if i do get tight mouth problems again and the front teeth take the brunt of the pressure, now theres no gaps to smash into each other and become a painful mess. Its like scaffolding reinforcing my whole mouth by fixing the loadbearing beam, or something.

Oh also these pain meds make u a little bit more sleepy than normal paracetamol so i'll probably doze off again soon. But hopefully i will have slept off most of the "healing debt exhaustion" tomorrow and will be able to go walk down the shops and buy some icecream and other soft food. I mostly stocked up on purely liquid food cos i tjought my mouth function would be more limited. But honestly the teeth are working so much better than before, they were already so swollen and painful that i couldnt crunch stuff! Now the mild discomfort of mid-healing from surgery feels like barely anything and i bet i could bite thru a goddamn rock right now! I just cant really swallow crunchy stuff or stuff thats too salty or citrusy. I didnt even know about the stabbity throat pipe so i didnt expect it to be the most painful part that takes the longest to heal. It feels so weird cos i keep coughing like my brain thinks theres phelgm stuck in my throat when its actually a skin flap/blister from the insertion. So obviously that aint going anywhere and i have to try and force myself not to cough or swallow or else i set off this cjain of "must get thing out of throat must puke" reflex. And the pain feels like a sore throat but it isnt?? Its not really inflamed ot anything its just an actual friction burn on the opening of my airway. Which is not a common occurance so the brain is justvlike "what the fuck is happening, must send all contradicting signals at once!" So sore throat medicine wont work cos that goes down your throat passage to your stomach when really this lil skin tag blister thing is in the lung throat opening thing. And sucking on throat sweets made it worse cos all the muscles were really tense around the area where the tube was inserted, hence why it was hard to swallow food even tho it was my windpipe that hurt. And sucking on something is kinda like perpetually swallowing nothing, when you think about it? Im glad that the muscle tenseness is mostly gone now and the painkillers are helping with the ouch, and my brainis getting usedto not coughing and making it worse. But still should eat soft easily swallowable stuff for a lil while and it'll be fun to go aroundthe shops with my last pocketful of change and find neat ingredients to stick in omelettes. Im so excited to taste all my favourite things in new HD functional mouth power!!! And i can smile at the shopkeeper!!!

And oh man i really do think that my sleeping problems with stiff neck and that kind of 'bloodrush to the head' migraine were indeed part of the bad wisdom teeth bleeding internally under the gum. I thought it had to be that cos nothing else in my life changed around that time aside from getting a better and healthier bed which should have been beneficial to my neck. And even going back to sleepong on the floor like before didnt make a difference so it definately wasnt the bed! And it kept getting worse while nothing was changing, and i kept trying different things like changing my pillows and headphones and cutting caffeine out of my diet and eating more salt and eating less salt and fuckin ANYTHING ELSE cos i knew if it really was the dumb tooth being infected then there was nothong i could do about it til my surgery day arrived. Itd be such a relief to know for sure that it was indeed the tooth and now that nonsense is gonna be gone forever! But also thats really worrying to know that it was getting so bad it could have spread an infection to my jawbone and the top of my spine if itd been left much longer. I kept sneezing up blood lumps like the size of a fifty pence piece! Had never had nosebleeds for a decade and now suddenly all the time! God it feels so good to be able to lay my head down and not feel all woozy and tense im the forehead or neck. I really hope this good neck untenseness continues and the awful aches really were just the tooth. But everyone in the hospital was so nice that i think even if i do need a second surgery to check for jaw infection then id be able to be less nervoud than i was this time

Man do u ever get that thing where youre so peaceful and contented that like you can breathe easier? Like subconciously taking bigger breaths and the middle of your chest feels slightly puffed out and warm. I guess thats what the "heart leaping in yout chest" idiom is meant to refer to, lol! Or maybe i can just literally breathe easier cos the tooth pain might have been passing into my nasal cavity too, lol. My entire head feels so less tense!! Its like all my bones were rebelling against me and now they're at peace again!! Man i feel so giddy happy like i chugged a giant energy drink or something but its the opposite its a good sleeps drink XD

So im gonna go lie down again and have a relax and watch a movie or something and see if i pass out when the medicine kicks in, or if its not too bad and i can still continue my hyper mood. But my nap was so long that its too late to go to the shops now anyway so i'll just make more plain omelette and milkshake if i get hungry. I mean it doesnt taste plain when all my sense of taste is so amplified likethis! I dont mind if its all i can eat all week. PURE MILKSHAKEY DECADENCE

Aaaaa im just so happy!! I missed my chance to get the new. Kingdlm hearts but ive beenwaiting fkr this surgery for ages too and it feels like just as much of an exciting relief!

[haahka]

Ooh ooh oh I have a question? Fo real doe, how do you think Taewoon is doing in the army? Getting enough sleep? Enjoys the food? Will he be able to do all the physical requirements? There's this TV show Shownu and Ravi were on about the army and they almost died there :(( But then again, Taewoon went through a boot camp with Speed (kinda almost maybe) so he knew what was waiting for him..

omg hey!!! ah thats an interesting question… i hope he’s doing well. idk much about the bootcamp other than that they were young debutants exhausted by their idol diets so it seemed like theyre absolutely dying then… and about that tv show, its made for tv viewers so. anyways evidently he had much better circumstances to start from this time round! he looks all well-fed and healthy in the recent photos so unless its a big mental strain for him (i mean obv it is but you know what i mean) i believe everything is well ^^ 

idk much at all about the army specifics there damn i dont even know which dept hes in? but having my own brother just finished his conscription i can say it can be a positive experience overall? i mean they got their assigned 8 hours of sleeping time so he was always (and still is) sleep deprived, but on the other hand he was no gym rat before he went but came back healthier than ever? im still not a fan of the military as an institution but its not necessarily an absolute shithole if you have to go thru it either. depends a lot on the circumstances. did i even answer your question. god what a rant soRRY

[hamliet]

Part 3. Is it possible to ever just be free from it all. I hear so much of how abuse can hurt ppl physically and mentally & I just go back to hating them for it bc I don't want to deal with it. Ik what they went through & I know theyre human but no matter how many times theyre told they're wrong they just don't change.

Hey Anon, sorry I got your messages all out of order, so that’s why my answers are all scattered and separate! Under the cut again for subject matter!

Part 4 . I wish i could go to therapy but everytime i tried it just never worked. I'm scared that they're gonna control me for the rest of my life, even when they're gone. Not everyone has a Touka that loves and would wait for them & I feel like I'll never get to the point where I just know that I love someone

Part 5 I've done shitty things to bc of them. AND Ik they aren't good but these habits are so bad that I feel like they're apart of me. And everytime I try to change I just can't. Even if i try to talk to ppl

Oh, Anon. I wish I could just hug you right now. You are clearly in a lot of pain, and none of it is your fault, and you do not deserve this no matter what. Please believe me.

I think I will say this: you can’t control them. No matter what you do to make them change the only one who will ever make them change is themselves, and most people who are like that don’t change. Sometimes they do. I hope yours do. But many times they don’t. And that is an extremely painful thing to realize, because no matter how much I was angry, they were still my parents, and I wanted them to change. I wanted them to love me like they were supposed to. I wanted them to accept me and LISTEN to me like they were supposed to. And realizing that I had to give up on that was agonizing. It was a slow process, and give yourself time. It’s okay that it’s slow. It’s okay that it will take time. You are not losing years of your life to them. You are learning. Life is learning. 

The only one you can control is yourself. You’re 18. Get to a safe situation. Give yourself space--that will probably help. They cannot control you. You control you. Therapy is really helpful for gaining your God-given power over your own life back, but you also have to find a therapist who works for you. My first therapist? It did not work. Not that she was a bad therapist, but she was a very bad fit for me and instead of getting better I got worse. And then I found my current therapist, who is exactly who and what I need right now.

You are not broken, Anon. They have hurt you and hurt you, but you are not destroyed. You are worthy of love. I say this as someone who is 25 and single and honestly, not happy about being single: I also don’t think my life is incomplete. I hope I find someone sooner rather than later, but my life is full now. Years ago I did not think this was possible. I thought they’ve ruined me forever. They hadn’t, but it does take time. Give yourself grace and empathy and understanding for the time you need to heal. Let yourself grieve, because you’ve lost something every human being deserved: a safe environment to grow up in. It’s okay to be angry. That’s part of the process.  

Those habits you mention? They’re coping mechanisms. Are they healthy? Many of them aren’t (writing is a healthy coping mechanism for me, but trust me I have many that are not healthy). Once you are out of the immediate danger of the situation--because verbal/emotional stress is dangerous for your psyche and wellbeing even if it isn’t physical--give yourself space. Breathe. And then slowly, step outside. (Yes I’m quoting one of Ishida’s poems lmao.) Try to learn the world and discover what coping mechanisms are no longer necessary when you’re not in danger. And while you can look back at your coping mechanisms and acknowledge that ain’t right, you can also have compassion on yourself. You were a scared child trying to find a way to survive, and those methods helped you in some ways, but you no longer need them and so you can find other methods, more productive, healthier methods now. It’s okay.

You are going to be okay, Anon. You are tough to have made it through all of this. You shouldn’t have had to be so tough. Get to safety. Take your space from your parents and take it one day at a time. Don’t worry so much about whether or not you’ll ever reconcile or forgive; just take it today, and then tomorrow. (That’s really hard for me lol as a planner, but try.) And then try to find some help, a therapist who works, talk to your general practitioner for recommendations if you can. One day at a time. You’re going to make it. You’re going to be okay. 

[annabelharmony]

i liked this one

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52,000+ online now

You're now chatting with a random stranger. Say STAND WITH HONG KONG AGAINST THE CCP!

You both like advice.

Stranger: hello

Stranger: here to help

You: ok

You: well this a super minor problem

Stranger: sure

Stranger: what is it?

You: yk the live omegle

Stranger: yeah

You: I meet guys on ther

You: I get their snap

You: They want me for nudes

You: Most of the time I give them

You: Either I offend them or they get bored or smth and unadd me

You: Or we just consistentely send nudes and I get bored

Stranger: i see ...

Stranger: so ... do you want advice on how to create a healthier relationship with people of the opposite sex?

Stranger: or ..?

You: ig

You: I just kinda wanted to rant and get advice on whatever

Stranger: that's okay

Stranger: that's why i'm here

Stranger: first things first, though ...

Stranger: ... there are much better ways to meet guys then sending nudes

Stranger: but i'm sure you know that already

You: well everyone on here is horny as shit

Stranger: yeah lol

You: and for rn I cant just meet people

You: I dont get invited to parties and stuff in general

Stranger: yeah but there are other online platforms were you can meet guys that are as ... sexually active as the ones on Omegle

You: so when Im bored and go on here I expect they want me for nudes even if its not explicitly said

You: sexually active people?

You: on here?

You: idk

You: people on here are sketch virgins

Stranger: well i mean like you said, everyone here is horny af, and you're right

Stranger: i guess that's what i meant

You: so why would they ask for my snap if they didnt want nudes?

You: idk but its kinda of annyoing

Stranger: well, the guys that hangout here on omegle want you snap for nudes, but not all guys that you meet that ask for your snap want nudes

Stranger: you know what i'm saying?

You: do you think people cope with minor things better if they talk about it or they pretend like it never happened

You: yeah i get it

Stranger: i think you should always talk about it

Stranger: because if you don't that minor thing will get bigger and bigger until you can't deal with it anymore

Stranger: it just becomes too much

You: like I feel kinda bad even if this is a really small thing

You: there was this guy who was kind of annyoing but he wanted nudes and i liked him

You: I asked him for his dick size after he sent me nudes I dont know why

You: and then I said aw ok, as in like I liked it

Stranger: i think all you need is more self-confidence

You: but it came across as super mean lol

You: and he blocked my ass

Stranger: like if i asked you for nudes right now, would you send them to me?

You: I have so much confidence you dont even know

You: no

You: bc I know nothing about you

Stranger: but do you really know the guys your sending the nudes to?

Stranger: they just see you as an easy target

Stranger: someone who will give them want they want

You: I think youre right

Stranger: but you shouldn't live to give these horny bastards what they want

You: But I dont see myself as an object really

Stranger: you should be living to help you

You: i willingly give that to them its my desicison

You: which i dont know is good

You: I hate saying no to people especially if I kind of want it

Stranger: but all they get is a few naked pictures of you and that's it

Stranger: no special connection is made

Stranger: so you basically are just a tool for them to use, even if it's your own decision

You: should I do it?

Stranger: lol and i'm not trying to be mean. i'm sorry if it sounds like i am

You: even if I want it

You: no youre right

You: I see what you mean completely

Stranger: well even if you want it, you need self-control

Stranger: if started telling you how pretty and hot you are

Stranger: and then showed you a pic of like my dick or something

Stranger: would you be inclined just to give away a photo of your naked body that will stay on the internet forever?

You: well it depends

Stranger: on what? my dick lol? sorry sorry

You: No lmao idc

You: but I needed some brief interaction ig

You: and no I dont trust this site

Stranger: if you don't trust the site, why are you giving naked photos of yourself to people who use the site?

You: not this site the other one

Stranger: oh you mean the live one?

You: which is a stupid reason ik

You: But this one is sketchier??

You: I dont know how thats possible

You: the other one is pretty bad

Stranger: look, tbh, both of them are really kinda nasty

Stranger: this advice place is one of the few innocent places

You: haha never

Stranger: and i'm sure there are still some nasty people

Stranger: yeah lol

You: are you a guy or a girl

Stranger: guy

You: I think what you said is what I wanted to hera

You: or more like what I needed to hear

Stranger: good

You: but I dont know I guess Ill do it less

Stranger: please, you're worth more than just someone who sends their body to complete strangers

Stranger: you're better than that

You: I dont think that makes me less of a person

You: I think theres this double standard where girls are forced to send nuds

You: and they cant just be chill about it

Stranger: yeah

Stranger: the whole society's fucked up

You: like guys sending their dps isnt a big deal theyre still worth something

You: but I dont know why I do it

You: if Im horny or seeking approval

You: Ig Ill do it less

Stranger: yes please do

You: but Im still doing it occasionally

Stranger: if you're seeking approval, you're seeking it from the wrong people

You: it kind of stimulates me

You: thats why Im on here

Stranger: i understand

Stranger: but if you're horny, you could always just like watch porn or something

Stranger: or does that not have the same effect for you?

You: I feel lonely

You: I used to watch porn more

Stranger: i'm sorry

Stranger: i wish there was someone you could trust

You: Im not that lonely

You: I just send nudes bc Im lonely

You: sex and relationship wise

You: I didnt spell that right

Stranger: it

Stranger: it's okay

Stranger: i wish i could help you more than just telling you stuff

You: no youre helping me

You: Just thing is when I dont have it I miss it

You: The nudes I mean

You: But I DO feel used

Stranger: you don't like feeling used, right?

You: and I dont know how much I care

You: well I dont think about it

Stranger: but you do after the fact, right?

Stranger: like, sure you might not feel used when you're doing it, but once it's already done and you look back at what happened, you feel used, right?

You: sometimes I think its fun

You: But its kind of like porn

You: Theres a limit to it

Stranger: yeah ... it is

Stranger: i mean you're basically giving away pictures of your body to these random dudes on the internet for free

Stranger: who knows what they'll do with those photos

Stranger: again, don't wanna sound mean

You: ok Im just gonna be honest Im not even in hs and Ive sent nudes to like 8 different fucking people

You: no youre right

You: which I dont think is a huge deal

Stranger: wait how old are you, if you don't mind me asking?

You: But its not like Im profiting of off it

You: too young for this convo

Stranger: so ... like ... less than 18?

You: I dont like telling people

You: Bc either they skip me or they stay and theyre pedos

Stranger: Uh ... you do know that what you're doing is illegal, right? If you're under 18 and you're giving nude photos to grown-ass men, that's child pornography ...

You: no

You: theyre my age

Stranger: oh

Stranger: well, on the one hand, thank god

Stranger: but on the other, well ... it still doesn't sit right with me

You: what doesnt sit right

You: also do I sound like im older than 18? I think I sound pretty young

Stranger: it's just i wish you didn't feel like you had to send nudes to fulfill some desire you have within you. no i thought you were pretty young, which is why i'm more concerned. we're probably the same age

You: how old are you

Stranger: 16

You: well heres my thing

Stranger: ?

You: I dont know if I should keep doing this

You: like sending nudes

You: Bc there was a period where I wasnt doing it

Stranger: yeah. please don't do it anymore

You: and I really didnt like it

You: Ok I'll do it less

You: and if it comforts you at all I will be kind of reminded of you before it happens

You: not to be weird

Stranger: no it's okay. that's good i guess

Stranger: i have to go now

Stranger: i'm sorry

You: ok see ya

Stranger: i wanted to help you more

Stranger: but ... sorry

You: yeah thanks you helped a lot

Stranger: alright

You: bye

Stranger: stay safe